#also had this happen with a childhood trauma thing once. like hello i did not sign up for that realization when i opened this word document

[hylianengineer]

You ever get called out by your own fanfic? Like, I am projecting my problems onto the blorbos, and they're fine and normal when then happen to me, but when they happen to characters they're suddenly horrifying and a sign of something deeply wrong. I did not sign up for that realization when I opened this word document.

[maopll]

Hello I'm not sure if my request is allowed since i did not see it on the rules so pls ignore it it is not allowed.

May I request Leona, Jamil, Rook and Malleus with a S/O who is suffering from depression? Another thing is they have caught the reader trying to unalive themselves, and harming themselves, their mental health is also getting worse. I'd like to see the boy's reaction and how they'd comfort their S/O(since it it similar to my current situation).

I understand if you're not comfortable with this request or do not want to do it. I also apologize of it is against the rules. I'd also like to say that I enjoy reading your works a lot. Please take care of yourself. Thank you and enjoy your day!<3

Let me heal your scars

| twisted wonderland !

⌗:, scars on the outside heal after a time. but...are there any methods or medications that can heal the scars inflicted on the inside?....

⌗:, a/n: anon I am comfortable with this request as I myself have gone through similar situations but you need to push through ! I hope you find solace in whatever keeps you happy and please don't do anything that might unalive you ! I love you <3 I have added things I kind of felt when situation like those happened

⌗:, warning: mentions of reader unaliving themselves,, trauma,, mental health issues,, read at your own risk ! angst !

⌗:, pairings: leona, jamil, malleus, rook w/ gn!reader

,,your depression has gotten worse. you still have freakish nightmares and you slowly start to wonder "do I really have any worth?" "maybe I am useless" "it is my fault that I always fail". these thoughts keep plaguing you mind it's as if someone is telling you to just k!ll yourself. maybe you should just?....

LEONA refuses to let anything get to his weakness and he would absolutely hate it when someone or something is the reason his cherished herbivore is going through hard times and having negative thoughts. He believed that when you are with him no dark thoughts would engulf your mind but...not everything can be kept at bay...

whenever you would visit savannahclaw you would most wear short sleeves or if you ever wore a long sleeve it would be mostly during winter but short sleeves were your favourite. However he noticed a sudden change in your clothing pattern with you wearing long sleeves more than often and turtlenecks . He may be laidback but he too once aimed for the throne of a king...

He knew you would never tell him so when you were sleeing in his arms he looked under your sleeves and for the first time he was frightened and covered in cold sweat.

" [name]...why do you have those cuts on your hands and on your neck ?" for the first time, your leona was dead serious with anything and his voice was a decible lower than usual. you knew that you would have to provide an atleast believeable excuse to make him believe. but no matter how much you tried to answer you felt as if you were being engulfed by the floor and damn gravity never felt this heavy.

you burst into tears. the thoughts, the pressure of life, the decisions, everything fell on you like a thousand bricks. he sucked at comforting but he knew hugs were your favourite. he told you to cry as much as you wanted to. he patted your back and offered to listen to everything you've been going through those days.

he may not be able to relate with you but atleast he can lessen the pain you've felt.

JAMIL himself had to undergo some strict training in his childhood but he had to admit that whatever happened with you nothing of the sort happened to him. so he couldn't share the nor understand your feelings but just know...that he will do whatever it takes to help you

you would visit his dorms and sometimes dance with him under the moonlight with passion because it was something you wanted to do, something that would be very intimate but recently he saw less passion in you and frequent absences of your presence on many days. he thought you were busy but there's no way that you would be absent for two weeks right?...

he was on his way to Ramshackle dorm to see what you were doing, and if there were any homework, he might help you with those, but he definitely didn't expect your silhouette standing on the highest balcony railing ready to jump. he was frozen with fear. 'there's no way that YOU would do this..'

as soon as he saw your feet leave the railing, he sprinted to the spot where you might fall, and thank goodness he caught you just before you hit the ground. you have some explaining to do cause he was taken aback, he couldn't grasp what was happening and he was definitely sweating HARD.

" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUMPING OFF THAT RAILING ?! DO YOU WANT TO REALLY KI–" you cut him off by shouting "WHY DID YOU CATCH ME I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE LET ME GO" and that was your last straw as tears flowed out of your eyes like a waterfall and you were sure you were crying like a baby at this point.

Jamil can read the room very well so he sighed and said that you can tell him everything later on and he is sure that it is definitely trauma inducing otherwise you wouldn't have tried to jump off

he know how heartbreaking it would be to see you cry but he wants to let you let go of all the pains and sorrows you have experienced these days.

MALLEUS here has no idea. this man child is learning human emotions because he pretty much grew sheltered so he learns them by looking at you. Things that invoke happy emotions, romantic emotions, sometimes sad emotions but what is this emotion that you're feeling right now?

I feel that he is able to sense emotions that his lover feels. dragon instincts I guess. but while most emotions you feel smelled sweet, strong or sometimes like petrichor..this one smelled like poison ivy. why?

he may be learning but he doubts that those scents were anything but normal. while he did want to ask you about it you would just change the subject. he knew you were hiding something. his instincts are on another level when it comes to you

he sensed that you might be in danger so it's best if he investigated it by himself and not long after did he find blood stained knifes and ropes. he was horrified. to think that the one whom he cherishes so much would be trying to part away from him for eternity, to take away their own life. he can't have you do that. not when he already made up his mind to keep you by himself while he rules.

you made sure to check all your surroundings to see if everything was in place but you failed to notice that one knife was missing which malleus brought out in front of you when you didn't notice him. "[name]...why were you doing this to yourself?..." he was sad and heartbroken. his voice sounded like he was on the verge of crying and so were you. he was the last person you wanted to find out about your...intentions of killing you life...

no matter how much you tried to tell him something your mouth would only open just to close the next moment because you just cannot bring yourself to tell him. you dropped down on the floor telling him that "I just can't do it...I can't deal shit with life...everything around me feels like they are judging me..feel like they will engulf me and no matter what I do I'll just be useless all over again.." he couldn't reciprocate your feelings but he can surely make you feel better. such a person as yourself who stays bright and cheery should not be crying on the floor nor should they feel sorrows. he hugged you close to his chest while he told you that he would listen to everything you want to tell him.

if he can't shield you from sadness and mishaps then how can he call himself a worthy ruler who would protect the people..his people? so he would do anything in his power to make sure you never shed those tears again.

ROOK here knew exactly the moment when you seemed more gloomy and down than usual. you would talk less, eat less, and those eyebags were so prominent that they could be noticed from metres away.

Something is not right...he thought to himself. how could his always cheerful and perfect other half be so under the weather these days. looks like he needs to know about the origin of your sorrows. He is a stubborn one so he is going to and he WILL find out whatever or whoever has cause you pain. He knows for a reason that it's gotta be something from the past looking at how you don't want to tell him and looks like he was right....

he is slowly unfolding your bedsheets, opened your drawers, and investigated your kitchen knife. bigger sorrows usually lead to rash decisions and looks like he was right. he is a master archer and hunter. the smell of blood being too familiar to him to be able to trace the scent in the knife being yours.

he knew that it may be a possibility, but the fact being true makes him feel...crestfallen. how? why? when? all these thoughts raced his mind. he knew your reason for doing these would be even worse and heartbreaking. but he had to confront you and comfort you. so that's when you seeked you out in the middle of the night when you were almost going to drift off to slumber.

"[name]...were you trying to hurt yourself?" your eyes grew wide like saucers. you've never seen rook look so dejected and serious. you told him yes and showed him all the scars that wrapped your body. you felt tears threatening to spill from your eyes and..oh? why do your cheeks feel wet?...

his usual signature smile was now a ghost of itself and he had a frown. he hugged you as tight as possible and let you freely cry all over on his chest. he shushed you softly and told you to tell him everything you went through and let go of those past emotions.

with him here he swears to never let anyone or he himself be the reason of your tears. he can't afford to see his amoureuse stain her beautiful face.

a/n: sometimes you just need to let go of all those who belittled you or trampled over your pitiful self. you should now grow a stronger version of yourself and start your life anew <3

[kimbap-r0ll]

Hello! Can I request the Bucci Gang (jjba) with an s/o who’s never smiled before due to past trauma? However during the fight with the Boss (Diavolo), their s/o gets fatally injured but right before they die, they finally smile for the first time in years at said Bucci Gang character and say something along the lines of; “Thank you, for everything you’ve done for me…” before passing away due to blood loss(?)

Can the characters be separated too plz? Ty!

Hey! Omg, noo this is so sad ;-; I love angst but I love these characters sm it's gonna hurt writing this haha. This started to get super long so I might need to separate this into two posts. Here’s the first three characters tho!

Giorno, Bruno, Mista x s/o who smiles for the first/last time

Giorno

He knew you would survive, at least that's what he kept thinking to himself. You were witty, able to defend yourself against all of the assassins that were sent to kill the group, and you utilized your stand ability to make sure you would succeed. You had saved him once before too during the fight on the plane to Sardinia. However, he didn't calculate exactly how devastating King Crimson would be until it was too late

You joined the group at the same time as he did. Both of you were slightly reserved, not as chaotic as some of the other mafia members but also not too aloof. You two also got along because of similar interests. However, one thing he noted was that you didn't smile, he saw you laugh once when you saw the dance Mista, Narancia, and Fugo had been practicing before, but that was it. He would be lying if he said he didn't feel slightly dizzy when you stood close to him.

Giorno never asked you about your past, but it was brought up when you two were in the car with Bruno and Mista when battling the mad doctor Cioccolata and his partner Secco. You had mentioned you had something happen to you, perhaps you were left alone most of the time as a child like Giorno was, or you witnessed a horrible fight between two rivaling gangs. Whatever it was, you tried to brush it off by downplaying your childhood and saying "it's fine though, I'm feeling better with you all." Giorno was probably the one to tell you that you shouldn't be ashamed of what you had to go through, it was something that shouldn't have happened of course but you couldn't have the past haunt you forever. He was about to confess at that moment that he would want to go on a coffee outing with you, perhaps when the whole fight against Diavolo was over, but that was cut short with a corpse flying into the window of the car

Either way, here you two were now, at the Colosseum. It was fitting for a final duel, between the Devil himself one might argue. What made things worse was how Silver Chariot Requiem had switched all of your bodies around, and now you weren't sure who you supposed to trust and who was, well, the boss himself. You had taken the body of a random civilian that had made the poor decision to sneak into the Colosseum when the fight started. Just when it seemed like you could breathe and calm down from the chaos, you felt something grab you and throw you up against the stone wall. It was so fast, like time had skipped to the result of the assault that you could only feel a piercing pain coursing through your entire body. Then, you felt blood trickling down your face. It would be a few minutes too late before the rest of the gang found you.

The rest of the team had been split up from you without knowing where you were. Giorno, who was usually calm and collected, was starting to panic a little bit. Time skipped, he knew it because the blood droplets from his finger suddenly went from two to five out of nowhere. This worried the rest of the team, you would have to be close by. That was when Trish (who's soul had taken Mista's body) pointed at you and shouted someone had gotten hurt.

"Y/n!" The group rushed towards you, realizing it was you when you tried to pull out your stand but it immediately dissipated. "No, no, you have to stay awake. Hold on," Giorno was the one to rush to you first, he knew his stand would be able to patch you up, but at the same time, the blood loss from your wound could be even worse inside your body. Coughing, you tell him not to worry about you, that it wasn't likely you were going to make it out alive. Swearing in Italian, Giorno tells you not to give up, but you take his hand, telling him that it was alright.

"I like seeing you smile more," you coughed, clearly the impact was in your chest, you couldn't really see him because of you losing consciousness. That was when he saw you trying to smile, slowly pulling the corners of your lips upward in a sad farewell, you smiled at him. "Th-thank you...I'm sorry I wasn't able to do much, but I want you to know...I truly enjoyed spending time with you and everyone else. T...take care...take down Diavolo..."

That was the last thing he heard from you before you stopped breathing. He thought he could help heal the wounds but it was too late. Knowing that the fight wasn't over, he tried to hold back tears, placing a caste kiss on your forehead before standing back up and looking back at the team. "We know he's around, he shouldn't be too far," Giorno tried to sound level, but Trish noticed his eyes were slightly teary. If anything, Giorno wanted to make sure Diavolo received the worst punishment possible after what he did to you and the family he found.

Bruno

He was a dead man walking when it was time to fight Diavolo, he knew his time was basically up. However, he didn't want to see anyone die, he wanted to be the last one to say farewell. After Abbacchio's passing, he swore he would never let anyone else in the team suffer a painful death.

He recruited you around the same time as Fugo, but you two had known each other before that. Both of you lived in the town near the sea, with your parents being local bakers and Bruno's father being a fisher. At first, he didn't want you to be part of the mafia world at all, you were too kind. But after an incident with a rivaling gang that you happened to be in the collision of, you insisted you would make a good team partner. While he wanted you to recover by staying out of the Italian underworld, eventually he agreed under the condition you two would help take down the drug dealing businesses.

He remembers you smiling from his childhood, but he was saddened that you never smiled after the run-in with the other gang. He still had a lot of conversations and a lot of good memories with you after that, but the only thing missing was that warm, peaceful smile. He hoped he would see it again, but until then remained focused on his work in Passione. Bruno's feelings likely first started before you two were part of Passione, but he didn't think about it too hardly. He would likely start wondering if he should really tell you how he feels after Giorno joins the team and after you two have worked for some time together.

Bruno never told you what happened in Venice when he suddenly declared he was going to betray the Boss. You followed him, but when you asked him what had happened and if he was alright, he gave you a soft smile and said not to worry about him. He would keep it a secret from you, and when you were in the Coco Jumbo with Trish during the fight against Cioccolata, he hoped you hadn't heard him talking to Giorno about how he was now a walking corpse. During the time after he was basically killed by King Crimson, he did wonder what it would have been like if you two were normal civilians, perhaps he would have asked you out on a date and you two might have had a stroll by the beach.

In the fight at the Colosseum, you split up with Bruno and you were with Giorno. When Chariot Requiem's ability came into effect, the first thing he did was make sure you were alright. He didn't know whose body you had taken, but he tried to call out your name. While he was looking for you on his own, time suddenly skipped. Diavolo was still close by. Bruno's known for being level-headed, but in this moment he started to feel panicked. Were you alright? Was Diavolo fighting with you and the rest of the gang? He got the answers to his question when he turned one of the corners of the many gates at the ancient structure. You looked like you almost had a whole to your chest only it was your shoulder that was agape. You were bleeding from your head and you looked like you were about to pass out. "Y/N!"

At first, you look afraid, trying to move away from Bruno because of his appearance as the boss. Even when he called out your name and tried to take you into his arms, you mumbled a "n-no" before coughing violently. After multiple times of telling you it was really Bucciarati, you allow him to embrace you. He told you to hang on, not to lose your focus and for you to keep close to him. Bruno looked around to see if there was anyone close by, but he couldn't find a single person. Surely Giorno, or Polnareff even, was close by, right? Carrying you bridal style, he now tries to find the rest of his teammates.

That was when suddenly he felt a cold hand tap at his shoulder. You looked so weak, you were losing so much blood. But it was here that you looked up at him with teary eyes and gave him what he had wanted to see for so long — your smile. "Sorry it had to be this way, I should have been...more careful," your voice was hoarse, like you were choked up from the tears. "I wish I could have gone back to the shore with you, but you'll have to go for me alone." "Don't say that, you're going to make it out alive!" Bruno knew it was a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless. He didn't want to give up, he couldn't see you leave him, not before he could tell you

"T-this isn't a goodbye...just a see you later...T-thank you for letting me by your side all these years, I really think...I fell in love with you." With that, you were gone. Before he could say anything, before he could give you a kiss you left with such a peaceful expression. Bruno's vision went blurry, tears rolled down. When Giorno and the team found him again, they also found you. Explanations aside, the team moved swiftly to once again track down the Boss. But while the rest of the team were busy looking for the arrow and the Devil himself, Bruno couldn't help but wonder, how soon was it really that he was going to see you again. You asked him to live long and healthy, but it seemed like he would be seeing you on the last train home too.

Mista

You had joined before Mista and the first thing he had done when he saw you was, well, flirt. He really thought he was going to get you blushing, but you just rolled your eyes and told him to leave you alone. While on most occasions he would have done just that and went about his day, you two were a. stuck together in the same gang, and b. he kind of liked your attitude.

Surprisingly, you two would start to get along. His jokes couldn't really get you smiling, but you did give a few laughs here and there, so he thought he was at least winning some of your attention. While he was planning to tell you how he felt with a more serious (and expensive) date, you were the one to confess you liked him, but you said "I like you as well" as if you knew what he was going to say. When asked about it, you said during a mission Number 1 told you in secret while he was too busy focusing on the rest of his stand.

The entire gang thought it was kinda cute. Would Narancia and Fugo tease Mista about it? Yes. Would Abbacchio as well? Yes. Either way, you two enjoyed each others' company a lot, but Mista wondered if you ever smiled. He didn't really ask you to, nor did he want you to force yourself to smile when you didn't want to, but he did ask. You tried to make it brief, that it was something from your family relations that snapped the ability to smile away from you. He promised he was going to make you smile again though, saying he would make sure those past nightmares don't keep haunting you. Either way, he wanted to be the most supportive boyfriend he could be. However, nothing could prepare him for what was going to happen.

With the introduction of Giorno and Trish, the direction of the gang started to shift. Soon enough, you and your friends were fighting the Boss himself and assassins seemed to follow your every move. You mostly helped Mista during the fights and giving his bullets encouragement (especially no.5). He definitely talked to you about a life after the overthrowing of Diavolo but before that he also tried to make you smile. He didn’t ask what it was that caused you to not feel comfortable smiling, but he promised he would make you smile one day. Mista just didn’t know that would be the last smile he would see from you as well.

During the fight, you were separated from the rest of the team. Diavolo had managed to find you and target you as one of the traitors he would make an example of. When you were least expecting it, a hand suddenly grabbed your hair and threw you upwards. The next thing you knew was your arm was torn off. It was like time was going in skips and you had a horrible feeling it had to do with the Boss. You tried to fight him but it was to no avail. Mista would find you as he ran looking for you with the rest of the team. “Y/N!” Everyone ran towards your almost lifeless body, Mista taking you into his arms and telling you to not lose consciousness yet. “You can’t die, Giorno can patch you up and—“

“It’s okay, the boss is near you guys have to finish the job,” you stopped him, your breath ragged and your voice weak. He looked at you with tearful eyes, shaking his head and saying he couldn’t let go of you yet. “I’ve had the happiest moments with you,” reaching up to his face, you cupped his cheek. “I love you so much, thank you for everything.” With that, you were gone, you smiled at him with tears sliding down your cheeks before you collapsed in his arms. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. Was he supposed to scream? He just sat there, holding you and looking with disbelief.

After the fight he would continue to work with Giorno. However everyone who talked to him would hear his voice in a slightly tired tone. He spoke of a special someone, talking about them with a sense of longing. He missed you everyday, talking about you to whoever would listen to him. He truly made you smile, but oh what he would do to see you smile once more.

[tiphprince]

hello 😞

um can you explain the reasons you like snape?

Hi!

Sure.

I can't in fact remember when I started liking Snape, it happened as I was growing up with the movies, though I do know that by the time Half-Blood Prince came out in 2009 he was already well established as my favorite character, as I had friends take photos of me near a cardboard cutout of him at the cinema (I was 13 at that time).

So, I can't pinpoint what is the one thing that made me like him. However, I know that I started really loving his character more deeply when I read the books right after seeing the HBP movie. I discovered just how different he was in the books, and how much better his character was.

To answer your question... I love everything about him, including his many flaws.

He's hilarious, he has some of the funniest lines in the series. His sarcasm made me laugh as a young teen, even and probably, specially because it was directed at teenagers of the same age I was.

He's mysterious, for 95% of the series we have no idea what he thinks, what he's doing and why he's doing it. We just know that something is going on, but we don't know what. It makes him intriguing and makes you want to know more.

He's brave, and selfless. He risks his life on a regular basis once Voldemort gets back, he agrees to mercy kill Dumbledore, effectively getting himself branded as the second most hated man in the country and even by people who at minimum respected him (colleagues he'd been working with for 15 years, people who saw him as a friend), and he expects nothing in return. He dies a gruesome and painful death, though thankfully not alone, knowing that everyone who'd ever liked him, that everyone in the whole world, despises his guts because he had to do what no one else could to save thousands of lives.

He's petty, and cruel. I won't teach anyone anything by saying that Snape is a bully as a teacher, and that he enjoys it. Yet, this is also one of the reasons I like him, because it creates an amazing juxtaposition with the previous point. He's a hero... and an asshole who makes children cry. He will do everything in his power and more to ensure that his students are alive and stay that way, but damn if he won't crush their spirit in the meantime as well.

He's skilled. He's a potions genius, who was rewritting recipes as a teen. He invented spells also as a teen, both being things that even Hermione never attempted to do. He thinks outside the box, and he's an excellent duelist, but he relies on his intelligence more than rough power and fighting prowess.

He's traumatised. Snape has one of the worst childhood/backstories of the books. He was abused as a child by his father, grew up watching him abuse his mother, he lived in such extreme poverty that the Weasleys would look like the royal family to him. Then he got to Hogwarts, and we can see how excited he is to finally go somewhere he won't be forced to hide who he is, to be somewhere he belongs... except he meets his future bullies on the train and reality catches up to him fast.

He's "relentlessly bullied" for the next 6 years ish, with no escape. And yes, teenage Snape was no saint, he was no angel, but no child deserves this kind of torment. Every single day we hear of teenagers killing themselves because of bullying. As an adult he shows obvious signs of trauma from what the Marauders did to him, and it's very sad to see.

I need to stop at one point because I don't think you were asking for a whole ass novel about Snape, but there's so so much more to say about him. I'll just link to @said-snape-softly's answer to a post recently that was asking roughly the same thing, where they explain why they love Snape and added a lot of great metas to help you or anyone else better understand his character.

[uchihaharlot]

I have a question, what do you think of Obito/Tobi?

Hello nonny 😌🥹

You are my first ask on this blog 🥳🎉 And it’s of my beloved Obito/Tobi. 😍 Obito forever will be a gentle giant in my eyes with a side of fucking you stupid. Save that for another day. I will distinguish between the two personalities best I can. I feel like, aside from the mask hiding his identity, it was easier for him to be who he wanted to be in Tobi without the pressure.

Some sfw with mild suggestive themes Obito/Tobi headcanons:

Obito:

• Despite his role in bringing near world domination, he’s a lover not a fighter. After all the whole reason he went awol was because of Rin and Madara’s influence.

• Very easily manipulated. ☺️😅 Sorry Obito, he just is so gullible half majority the time. He doesn’t know any better, Madara completely lobotomized him from a young age to be his pawn after he died. A patsy for his own gain for Madara’s return from death.

• Definitely died virginal. Unless he fucked a white Zetsu, and as a teen he wasn’t very explorative given the seclusion and watchful eye of old man Madara. Plus he was focused on healing and growing half his damn body back. Plus, he didn’t look like himself anymore which probably gave him a bit of body dysmorphia and fed his insecurities.

• Genuinely believed he was being led the correct path in life. That he didn’t need anyone or the village — just Madara (especially didn’t need that Bakashi!!).

• Like majority of the men who are traumatized in this series, Obito can’t sleep at night. Late at night the inner confines of his mind play psychological warfare and close in on himself. ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ ‘Will this really make me feel better?’ ‘Will peace come once the dust settles?’

• Holds in his emotions until they crush him, figuratively and literally. Then he really carries the mantra of ‘burdened with glorious purpose.’ It replaces the heart on his sleeve and that’s when he hardens — or he thinks.

• Seeing Rin die definitely was that final straw and at the hands of Kakashi without any preemptive warning on the situation at hand. This is where Obito does a 180 and harnesses that resolve to carryon Madara’s will. Which is where Tobi comes out.

Tobi:

• Let’s see. I think when Obito designed became prisoner to this persona, it was a coping mechanism. Tobi was one way to get around his turmoil and needing a disguise was the perfect way to avoid dealing with deep seated issues. Win/win/???.

• It makes keeping a distance from the other Akatsuki members easier. Tobi doesn’t want to talk about his trauma or about his family’s history. When Itachi joins it’s imperative that the rest don’t know his secret. What trauma? He’s a new man in this new little world he’s made.

• Which is why in the beginning he’s such a butterball of feigned ignorant bliss. Obito never had the chance at a real childhood so what better way than to live that vicariously through his second ego?

• It also boosted his confidence, tremendously. Being an authoritative figure hiding within the ranks of a hand basket of deplorables made him deliciously confident. He can’t pinpoint why exactly, but having the Akatsuki on the string of his tennis shoe like puppets is an ego boost. It’s an added bonus that most are unsuspecting.

• I think Tobi sleeps most nights peacefully, not always though. Still has these moments of uncertainty, like that meme of your brain before going to bed and it spouts off some shit you’d rather not spend the night debating with yourself about. That still happens to Tobi but not as frequently as when it was Obito in the cockpit of his psyche.

• At the end of the day; we all have a face that we would hide. The face of a stranger, and when it comes to Tobi, Obito is his dead name — he doesn’t recognize much beyond the hurt that got him to where he was today. Letting it fester and further infect his brain. What did they call it? The curse of hatred: Obito is the poster child for this. Sure Sasuke would be a runner up but Sasuke literally chose the path of vengeance, Obito was molded by it. Tobi is the darkness and Obito became a prior life.

[beansmakesthings]

You 🫵

Yes you

Give me your Penny Lamb headcanons (legoland)

Boy, what happened to 'hello' and 'please'. I have a name, you know /lh

I will preface this one by saying I think it's very funny if Legoland Penny and RTC Penny exist in the same universe as separate people and all my hcs are approached from that perspective. Cool? Cool.

This one is also just random general stuff and will feature some vague references to parental abuse and mental health issues. Cause you know, it's Legoland.

- RTC Penny started calling her 'PB' when she found out she had a crush on Constance. As in, she's the future Penny Blackwood. (I will refer to her as PB for the rest of this for clarity)

- Yes this means there's a Penny Lamb dating Ocean and a Penny Lamb dating Constance. I just think it's funny.

- PB and Ezra'a parents were neglectful at best days and cruel at worst. PB did everything in her power to keep their attention off of Ezra and took care of him as best as she could. As a result, she's a lot more affected by their childhood than Ezra is.

- She has a bad habit of getting into fights as she has pretty poor emotional regulation due to her childhood trauma (see biting Johnny Moon in the face) and the internal anger over being unable to stop it. She's going to therapy and has improved considerably, but she still sometimes has a tendency to lash out at people who bother her.

- PB and Penny absolutely hated each other at first. It was just plain creepy. Both from somewhere a little outside Uranium City, have the same name, both have parental problems, both subject to bullying, both autistic, it just rubbed them the wrong way. They eventually grew to like each other though.

- PB still has a legally enforced curfew she has to follow as part of the court order after the Johnny Moon incident. This is a great travesty as it means she can't join any choir sleepovers.

- When Constance finally cracked and told PB all about the warehouse after the Cyclone accident and coming back to life (she felt guilty lying and hiding it from her), PB took it rather well. She once used her brother's money from selling his ADHD meds to cross the boarder into the States, snuck into a bar, and attacked a celebrity once, so who is she to decide whether or not 6 people collectively remembering God in the form of a fortune machine making them perform a musical for a rat was a real event or just mass hysteria? Weird things happen all the time. She's just glad they're all alive either way.

- PB loves going into the woods and finding little bugs and frogs and things. She takes pictures of everything and gives them all names

- She has no idea where the whole 'PB' thing came from, but literally everyone except Ezra calls her that at this point and she DOESN'T GET IT

- Constance usually shortens the PB nickname even further and just calls her Peebs. It's so far from her own name at this point that it's kind of frustrating, but she can't convince anyone to stop (Constance is also in on where it comes from and thinks it's adorable)

- PB has no idea how most teenagers dress and has never been in on a trend in her life (aside from Seven Up and we all know how that turned out) so she usually dresses like a 70s hippie

- She has a tendency to bring home wild animals and try to sneak them into her room. She once hid a family of raccoons in her closet

- PB formed a weird friendship with Ocean that almost entirely relies on comparing their shitty drug addict parents

- PB absolutely loves music. It's so stimmy. Once she's out in the world and becomes friends with the Saint Cassian Chamber Choir, she's being introduced to more music than she ever knew existed. She loves watching the choir perform and loves being in a car with any one of them and cranking their music until she can feel the bass in her chest.

- Constance keeps telling PB she could join the choir if she wants. They have plenty of room for her. PB declines because, while she can hold a tune and play ukulele, she doesn't like singing nearly enough to get in front of so many people and open herself up to judgement. She prefers to listen, so she'll just sit in the front row, thanks.

- PB does not like eye contact and will never look anyone in the eye ever unless she has no choice

- PB and Ezra were featured in one of Mischa's rap songs on YouTube

- Elysium didn't have a lot of modern technology so PB is terrible with most of it. She can barely use her phone without getting trapped in the notes app and panicking and needing someone to fix it

- Since she was homeschooled and kind of got to pick whatever she found most interesting to learn about, PB is incredibly knowledgeable about a lot of history and biology, but is god awful at math. She's pretty convinced she'll fail grade 12 math because what the hell is a parabola?

[elysian-drops]

Hello there!

Little question that might come off as weird but I’ve had it in my head ever since reading the Jealousy Has Thorns chapters. I know Voldemort is very jealous and would most likely kill anyone who touches Harrie but I’m wondering if she does willingly cheat (kiss, sleep or love someone else) how would that changes the dynamic between her and Voldemort ? How would he react ? Besides the obvious violence he would impact on the other party involved, it’s quite clear he can’t hurt her or kill her. Would that be a case of “cheat on me, give yourself to someone else and you will regret it for the rest of your life” or “nothing will ever be the same between us, you’ve betrayed me” or both and something else ? How do you think this would impact the dynamic between them long-term and their relationship? Would they ever recover ?

If you’ve made this far thank you I would love to hear your thoughts !

Oh my god, anon, stressing me out with this imagined scenario. I love it 😂 But no, it’s not a weird question at all!

I think it would be a little of both, as you suggested, and depend on the "severity” of said cheating. I think if it was solely physical, then he would be more okay with it (and kissing/fooling around more so than actually have sexing). Of course, this isn’t to say he’d be fully fine with it— and yes, like you theorized the person she cheated with probably wouldn’t be long for the world— but I believe he would eventually come around to begrudgingly accept it, especially if it was something that only happened once or twice. In his mind, the rational would be that she was probably curious as to what being intimate with others felt like (seeing as V was her first), and would chalk it up to that. We do know Harri leans towards bisexuality (given her crush on Ginny and Cho)— so if she slept with a woman, then it would be even easier for V to say it was an impulsive curiosity. Overall, I can see him being jealous when he finds out, but not allowing it change their relationship too much. That being said, this scenario is for further into the future when their relationship is more well-established (if she happened to sleep with someone else right now, it’d be catastrophic— he’s too insecure when it comes to Harri’s affections to be presently fine with it). Of course, I can also see V interpreting her cheating as a challenge, the possessive bastard he is 😅😂 Turn it into a whole ‘make her tell him, in explicit detail, everything she did with the other person so he can outperform them and prove he’s better’ situation 😂 😏

Where it gets reeeaaall messy though is when feelings are involved 😬Fooling around without any attachment is one thing— but fooling around and developing feelings? Yeah 😅 I personally can’t ever see him recovering from it if Harri told him she loved someone else. In that scenario, it would mean she was choosing them over him and saying what /he/ can offer her— his affection, his loyalty, his everything— wasn’t enough, nor will it ever be. At least when it’s limited to the purely physical, she would still have an /emotional/ attachment with V— but remove that? Yikes. Just yikes. We know he doesn’t handle rejection well, thanks to his childhood trauma, and that he suffers from deeply-suppressed doubts of self-worth. In fact, one of his greatest fears is just that: Harri will come to reject him for not being ‘good enough’ (which I could write an entire paragraph about how that’s tied into his ego and psyche to the point he worries his own soul will find himself lacking— but I digress). Anyway, Harri would be confirming these doubts and I truly believe it would absolutely devastate him. Push him right to the extremes, you know? Plus, as you’ve pointed out, he’s an insanely jealous individual who doesn’t know how to share or deal with competition for Harri’s affection. Hell, he already has difficulty coping with the fact she has preexisting /platonic/ relationships— so never mind a romantic once. Also, I think the intensity of his reaction would depend on /when/ she meets this person: was it someone she knew /before/ her life with V? Or was it someone she met while they were together? Because if it’s the former, then there might be the potential— and let me stress this word might— for a degree of understanding since it would be a pre-established relationship. But if it was someone she met afterwards? Well, it would only compound his feelings of inadequacy/serve as proof to it.

I gotta be real with you though, it would be a very, very bleak situation if she ever said she loved someone else. Turn it into a ‘Dead Dove’ situation real fast 😅 I don’t see him ever trusting her again and, frankly, giving up on having a relationship with her entirely. Basically, he would shut down— and not in a ‘I’m going to cry myself to sleep every night’ way, but in a ‘I’m turning off my humanity’ way. In order to cope, he would seek to distance himself from her and the memories of what they once were by viewing her as /only/ a vessel for his soul. To that end, I could see her being locked away somewhere without any social interaction— and then, maybe after a couple of decades, only having V sporadically visit her. There would be a lot of denial on his part that he’s hurt by her betrayal— because he’s ‘Lord Voldemort’ and is above such trifling emotions (or so he’d tell himself)— and this would manifest in how he acts going forward 😅 All of that progress/emotional growth we’ve seen would be obliterated as he becomes closer to the tyrant portrayed in the canon (though probably worse, to be honest) and force Harri to watch as he burns the world down. For the first few months following her betrayal, he would target her weaknesses— just to make her hurt— and wouldn’t have any qualms about breaking his promise on harming those she cared for. Hell, he’d do it in front of her, even—a very much so ‘if I can’t have you, no one can’ mentality. I can even picture him going full sadist mode and having her either kill her lover herself, or keep them around for a few decades to torture. Basically, it would bring out the /absolute worst/ in him. I mean, this is the same guy who skinned a man alive and beheaded a house-elf like it was just another Tuesday 😅😅 He definitely has it in himself to be extraordinarily cruel and vicious, and her betrayal would be the final straw.

Overall though, I don’t think he would look favorably upon cheating of any sort— but he would be able to process/justify one kind more easily than another and move forward. But also tell me why I lowkey want to write the second scenario now……. 😬🤭 Maybe as an alternative ending sort of situation? 😂 Anyway, I could write a lot more on this, but this answer’s getting pretty long as it is— so I’ll leave it here for now!

Thanks for the question and the food for thought! 💕

[outrunningthedark]

I think Eddie’s arcs are better because Eddie is actually allowed to grow while Buck keeps taking one step forward two steps back (as Oliver said both before season 5 and 6)

This is the gist of it, yep. Eddie and Shannon reconnecting -> Eddie isn't the parent Shannon knew when she left him, he's willing to leave the past behind and start fresh, be better The fighting arc -> Eddie is angry with himself for not knowing how to help Christopher cope in the aftermath of Shannon's death, and we learn that he is also struggling with his own grief because Lena and Bobby called him out about his behavior skateboarding episode -> Eddie makes his own assumptions about Christopher's capabilities (hello, ableism), but (with some help) realizes that not everything is/should be out of the question - he, as a parent, has to be willing to adapt to the circumstances and put in the work EddieAna -> Starts dating her because he's trying to convince himself he's ready to move on after his failed marriage, stays in the relationship because Christopher likes having Ana around, but when things started getting "serious" (Ana being referred to as the mom, being invited to the Flores family Christening) Eddie was able to initiate the break up before he ended up in a second marriage he didn't want. (Following his heart. Not Christopher's.) Eddie leaving the 118 & breakdown arc -> Christopher's concern over his safety is one of the reasons Eddie decides to start a new career, but they have a conversation ON SCREEN where Christopher clarifies that he never meant Eddie should quit doing what he loves. Eddie goes to Bobby about being reinstated, Bobby says he's clearly not ready yet, Eddie goes to therapy BEFORE THE BREAKDOWN because he WANTS to get back to the family, but he's not fully committed. Until his breakdown. Dispatch fire -> "God has spoken." Eddie knows he should be saving lives while in his LAFD gear, not from behind a desk Eddie going home to Texas -> Comes to an understanding with his father, agrees to work on repairing/rebuilding the relationship, also confirms that he's still doing things for himself first by wanting to get better for himself just as much as for Christopher [stopping there because I think I've made my point!] Whereas with Buck... What gets me 🙄 is that there was obvious, understandable growth between seasons one and three DESPITE his past that made him the character we met at the beginning. Dating Abby got him out of the 1.0 phase, hooking up with TayKay in s2 made him realize he didn't want to go back to being That Guy (and Ali was the proof, so her brief resurgence did what it was meant to do). Season 3 was about Buck being alone (Honestly...this is one that doesn't get discussed enough. "Buck needs to learn to be by himself and be comfortable with that." The man had ZERO romantic prospects in all of s3 WYM???) And then, ofc, seeing Abby again made it so that Abby would never be a "what if" situation. He had to let go of that part of his past, and he did. By going to a party and spending it with he Diaz boys. Hm. And then the next season three episodes in having a co-parenting moment. Hmmm. After that? The show was like "We're just gonna take all this growth and throw it out the window for a storyline that is talked about ONCE in two years (Buck's childhood trauma) and also because in our heads it makes for better ~drama~ if Buck's being stupid without Madney around." ...Despite the fact that talking to Maddie didn't lead to the breakup and Buck doesn't go to Chim for like, anything, and Chim isn't the one who calls Buck out on his bullshit anyway! (And we all know how the BL kiss could have been a decent plot point if it played any kind of role in the BT break up. But it was simply A Thing That Happened because sometimes this show turns into a soap!) Just because someone's enjoying the current path Buck is on doesn't automatically make it good storytelling. Please stop equating a series like 9-1-1 with a fanfic that you post for yourself and don't want constructive criticism on, thanks!

[ae-azile]

I loved the cousin drunken bonding in latest Progression chapter. It was so hilarious and cute. I am absolutely blown by Macau/Kinn though. I don't think I have ever read about these two together, even talking more than few words. While Khun/Vegas is cute and can be seen, Macau/Kinn is such rarepair cousin bond than I immediately started to ship them hard (not ship as romantically but as in cousin bonding). I can't wait for the next chapter. I hope ultimate shippers, Chay and Porsche, can see their appeal too. :D

Hello! I'm glad you liked the bonding between the cousins. It was definitely fun to write. I will say my favorite cousin dynamic tends to be between Tankhun and Vegas. They are the oldest sons and Vegas never treats Tankhun with disrespect - even after getting hit in the head with a tray. The most he does is attempt to stare him down, a challenge he quickly backs down from in silence, which is surprising when he had been smugly challenging Kinn through tense conversation just seconds before. The most negative thing he says about him is that he is "something" (at least going by the English translation). I like to think that they loved each other at one point, and maybe Vegas looked up to him and feels some semblance of sadness when he thinks about what Tankhun went through. Tankhun was old enough to be the big brother Vegas desperately needed - and maybe once had before their families became too strained and set on competition.

As for Kinn and Macau, they have a potential dynamic that interests me too. I can see Kinn as someone who wants to be both a protector and a friend to his brothers, but it is difficult with their very different personalities and the wedges forces between them due to their trauma and their overall situation. He was likely conditioned to be a protector by both his father as well as himself after Tankhun's kidnapping happened. While he likely adores his older brother, is present for him, and makes sure he has guards who are more suitable as friends, rather than just staff, there is likely some resentment, heartbreak, and grief for who is older brother once was and will likely never be again. His relationship with Kim seems like a distant one. In this story, this result is due to an upsetting incident during their childhood, Kim struggling to connect and express his emotions, and Kinn being the most involved in the family business while Kim wants nothing to do with it. There is likely resentment from Kinn as well, that Kim gets to follow his dreams while Kinn has to stay back and do all that is expected of him.

While both Khun and Kim genuinely love Kinn, there is a distance that Vegas and Macau simply don't have. While Vegas always feels like he is getting pitted against and beat by Kinn, he is more successful than him in at least one aspect: he actually has a healthy relationship with his brother. Macau is the youngest and not involved in the business either. Like Kim, I see him holding very little interest in it. However, he is present for his brother. He supports him, spends time with him, and is openly affectionate with him in a way that seems to come to both of them easily and without hesitation, which is something we don't really see between the major family brothers (although Khun does seem to want physical affection from him).

To me - at least in this story - Macau represents what Kinn would ideally want in a sibling. Macau may not show interest in any mafia business, but he also likely doesn't share any old lifetime goals Kinn once had for himself. On top of that, Macau is loyal. He is the one member of the family who successfully does his own thing and stays out of the business, yet stays loyal to his brother, who is very much tangled up in the expectations their family has. He is present, loving, there, and was never in a situation where he stepped back from previous responsibilities like Khun did. He also never distanced himself from the entire family due to his lack of interest in their operations like Kim did.

In some ways, Macau just being himself and resistent and avoidant towards the mafia/his father while remaining close and loving towards his brother makes him the most ideal sibling in either family. He is also the most "normal" by far. Kinn adores his brothers and wouldn't trade them for anything, but I think Vegas got something that Kinn simply didn't by having Macau as a brother: a healthy brotherly relationship that somehow was strengthened by their circumstances rather than tainted and strained. I think a lot of that deals with how Macau operates, which brings out Vegas loving, affectionate, protective, and nurturing side. This is a side Kinn has as well, but since his relationships with his own brothers were strained, that side sort of remains stagnant.

It's been coming out more that they have all become closer, and Kinn is incredibly grateful for it. That being said, he feels like a third wheel at times, and his role as heir/head made Tankhun and Kim hesitant to share certain things with him. Despite Vegas also being heir/head, Macau never faced this predicament. So when Macau and Kinn get drunk together after the cousin reconciliation and the two are left alone, I feel like Macau's sincere side comes out, all while Kinn's protective and caretaking side comes out. Talking with Macau was likely very easy in comparison to opening up with his brothers. Despite it being alcohol fueled, he felt genuine connection with his (now second) youngest family member. It felt easy, like how brotherly bonding should feel like.

We definitely might see more Kinn and Macau moments! I can see Macau just randomly inviting Kinn out to go jet skiing or something and Porsche being like, "Huh???" all while Kinn leaves the compound with an excited grin on his face because he's getting chosen over Tankhun and Kim lolol. But I think Chay will be invested, and Porsche will too after getting over his confusion.

Anyway, this turned into a rambling essay that got away from me lolol. But thank you for the ask and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

[silvaswiftcast]

FFxivWrite2023 Prompt #21: Grave

Characters: Silva Cataracta (Ricmorn Cataracta and Hien Rijin are also there, but the focus is mostly on her.)

Rating: General

Notes: Words in [brackets] are in another language, in this case, it's in Doman. If you would like to have more understanding of Silva's past/childhood and the grief around it, check out my longfic featuring these dummies on my AO3 page linked on my profile! Title is "You Can Find Your Way Back Home Again."

Content Warnings/Additional Tags: Polyamory Relationship (V Relationship), M/F/M relationship, Mild Angst, Grief, Dealing with Childhood Trauma, Original Character(s) Death(s), Brief Mentions of Suicidal Ideation.

“Hello, Mama. Baba,” Silva greeted her parents as she sat on her knees, resting her bag of things in front of her. “It’s… it’s been a while — forgive me. Life’s been busy. I’ve been busy. But… I know you know that.”

The only greeting she got in return was the gentle breeze blowing through her short purple and magenta waves and the calm ocean waters.

“But it’s Heavensturn! I always find the time to come see you at this time of year.” And seeing as her uncle was away for the week-long holiday dealing with personal matters, it was her job to perform these rites. Even if he was here with her, she would have performed them, anyway. “Can you believe another year has come and gone already? It’s been… an eventful one, to say the least,” she lightly laughed. “Though I don’t think that word perfectly describes it.”

There was no word circulating in her mind to describe everything that had happened. The good, the bad, and the things in between. The joy, the heartache, the fear of having to start over once again.

How she was able to find the peace that always came after a raging storm at long last.

This time, two distinct, rumbling chuckles echoed in her ivory horns. Warmth filled her chest as a smile tugged at her lips, the filling eating away at the sadness within her. Silva almost forgot they came with her. She was glad they did.

“Perhaps,” she muttered, reaching into her bag to remove the items inside. “It would just be better if I told you.”

The young Au Ra switched from speaking in Common to Hannish — the language of her mother’s homeland. The one she taught her father to speak as he taught her Doman, while they courted. Sometimes the things Silva said came out easier that way. She knew the two men standing a yalm or so behind her didn’t mind.

She told them of her troubles as she pulled out two large shallow bowls, filling one of them with water. The things that were difficult for her to swallow or accept. No matter how much of herself she gave, there were things she couldn’t fix or change. It was life.

Life and time went on and on like waves of water — unstoppable. Silva accepted that fact.

She told them of her anxiety, fear, and sadness as she carefully sliced several persimmons, their sweet honey scent filling the air and catching the wind, before placing them in the other bowl. How she was afraid for the lives of her friends and loved ones and their well-being. Of the nations they liberated together. How the hard-fought-for peace still hung in the balance — that it could be taken away from them with little warning.

How she nearly let herself be consumed by her bottled-up grief and anger over the years. And if it wasn’t for the kindness and deep understanding she found and was freely given to her, she didn’t know if she would still be here.

Silva remembered how her father always shared dried pieces of the fruit as a child, the spices dancing on her tongue. She would have to make some the next time she had a few bells to spare.

She told them of her joy — of the immense love she discovered and didn’t know she could give back in return — as she placed fresh lotus flowers in the bowl filled with water. How she didn’t know she could be as happy as she was at this very moment. Of how free she felt for the first time in her short life. She promised her parents and the two men behind her she would make the most of it. That she would do her best to never doubt herself again.

The soft purple petals reminded her of her father’s bright eyes and the long waves of her mother’s hair. She almost had the exact same shade coloring her silky locks.

She told them of her faith and new-found resolve as she lit several sticks of incense, placing them in a holder so they could burn safely — the soft scent of jasmine and chamomile mingled with the cut fruit. Of how she nearly lost hope in finding herself again and struggling with the idea she had more to lose now. But she didn’t. She found her way through the darkness and worked through her heart-numbing pain with the help of those who deeply cared for her. That she had reasons — friends, family, lovers, a beautiful life before her — to keep fighting and pushing ahead.

And even though the invisible scars and trauma would forever be with her, she was never alone.

Chamomile and jasmine-flavored teas were some of her favorites growing up. There was always a pot or two made of it every day — one in the morning and one in the evening. The herbs promoted peace of mind… and healing.

It wasn’t until Silva told the two gravestones how much she loved them in Common that she finally broke. Hot tears fell in messy trails down her face as hiccuping sobs bubbled from her chest.

“I’m sorry!” she gasped, clutching at her thundering heart. “I’m so, so sorry. It’s not fair! It’s not—”

She thought she was stronger than this.

Two sets of powerful arms wrapped around her trembling frame, murmuring sweet words of comfort beside her horns as they rubbed her back and caught her tears.

“It’s alright, Silv. We’re right here.”

“You’re allowed to be sad and cry when needed, [wildflower .] You do not have to be strong all the time — it’s okay.”

“We love you, and we’re not going anywhere. Pray know that.”

And so she let herself cry in the arms of the two people who loved her more than anything, knowing she was safe and cared for by them until she was out of tears.

[off-duty-rmt]

The curse of being an only child with anxiety

I honestly do not know where to start. If you're reading this and you're in you late twenties like me, then say hello to childhood trauma. I've made this into a list to keep everything organized. I think the key here is to arrange each one in numerals and then add more. Whatever. No one is gonna read this blog post anyway. Be grammar Nazi if you want to. It doesn't matter anyway.

1. Wanting to be alone, CONSTANLY.

Because we're used to doing things alone. I would constantly beg to spend a lot of time by myself doing things that I like. Most of us are introverts. I have a plethora of hobbies and would always find time to learn more. One day, I want to be an interior designer, and then the next day, I'd want to be a music producer. And I tell you what, it is costing me a lot of money. There's just too many things to do whilst being alone and non of it (in most cases) includes socializing. Maybe I need to find a different that's actually gonna help me pay my ever increasing credit card bills lol.

2. Wanting to be alone while also craving human interaction and strong friendships.

Now I'm not saying I don't have friends because I do. I really do. But you can only count them by hand because trust me, even with social media and all, I really don't have a lot. Actually, I struggle with this one. It's as if I don't know how to be friendly. It's as if I feel that no body really wants to be friends with me. I would have these thoughts. Maybe I'm not friendly enough. Maybe it's my RBF. Maybe I'm not cool enough or maybe I am too cool that I become too intimidating. That, or I'm just a horrible person. I don't know.

3. Then the anxiety comes in.

I feel that nobody really wants me there (a lot of times). I don't feel this way around my closest friends, whom by the way are thousands of miles away from me. I feel hurt when I'm not included, parties, group chats, dine outs, etc. This has got to be one of my darkest ghosts. This drags me down all the time, the feeling of not being in the circle, the feeling of being left behind. Whenever there's an event wherein this happens, I would just crumble. All my demons suddenly becomes alive, and suddenly I'm this 4 year old child again, pushed to play with kids who treats me differently, who doesn't want me there because I'm not part of the family.

4. I feel alone with my demons.

It feels like I'm trapped with my thoughts and my demons when it becomes too quiet, or after I get triggered. And I have learned the hard way to never let people around me know about me feeling this because people can easily use this weakness against me and I wouldn't even know how to get out once I'm in that hole again. As a child I would just go into hiding whenever they would bully me, child or adult, I would always hide. My parents weren't really around most of the time because of work and so I have learned to go into defense mode all the time when people would threaten to hurt me. And so I would be in my own little box where I could escape them and feel safe. My only companions were my toys, the TV, and my grandma.

5. Saying goodbye.

I didn't have a lot of nice things whilst growing up, when I do, I protect them and treasure them. Same with people. That's why I would feel a sense of grief after losing something, or someone. I did not take it easy when my grandma died because that's where the depression started back when I was in my second year of college. I was around 17 at that time and boy was I depressed. I was in my lowest that I started to fail my classes and had to transfer to a different university. I had to say goodbye to my closest friends in at uni. And when I finally got transferred to a different university, that was one of the moments wherein I felt so lost and indifferent to almost everyone. I did not fail my subjects but I wasn't doing great. The only good thing about transferring was that I escaped from distraction by overly surrounding my self with a lot of people.

[puffpasstea]

Matilda

 A/N: HELLO! Posting this a day early because, I shit you not, my family showed up unannounced from out of town , so I won't have time to post this tomorrow. This is also why I didn't proof read the whole thing. Sorry for any typos. Hope you enjoy! This is the most straightforwardly Matilda heavy chapter yet. As such, the contents could be too angsty, triggering, or otherwise upsetting. Please read with caution (see warning below). Warnings: Angst, fluff, mention of childhood trauma, depression, and anxiety. But also super kind Harry. If you struggle with any of the above mentioned triggers, please know that you are valid and loved, and please reach out for help. Also, my inbox is always open if anyone wants to just chat. I love you all. Please be kind to yourselves.

Read previous chapters here.

Chapter 7

I unlocked the bathroom door, relenting to Harry’s incessant knocking. He squeezed through and shut the door behind him. I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him or even acknowledge his presence, especially in my current state. He said nothing, only wrapping his arms around me firmly and letting me sob into the crook of his neck.

Several minutes later, still in total silence, we ended up on the bathroom floor, leaning against the door, with me still clinging to Harry’s neck and he ran his fingers soothingly through my hair. Once I’d stopped sobbing long enough to realize what’d happened, I felt self-conscious and tried to peel myself away. 

Harry noticed me moving around. “Hello�� he smiled down at my surely puffy, red face. 

“Hey…” my voice was barely audible; my throat raw.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I got up, off the floor, and stood in front of the mirror surveying the damage to my eyes and face.

“Nothing to talk about…just had a panic attack and felt shitty about it.” I said, stealing a glance at Harry’s face through the mirror as I played with my hair, trying to decide what the least awful hairdo option would be. 

He sat up, joining me by the mirror. “Plenty to talk about! Would it have anything to do with this family thing you’re going to?”

“Harry, look. It’s no big deal. Sorry I cried like a baby and got snot all over your $500 shirt, but there’s really nothing to talk about. You know how shitty parents can make you feel. It’s just that…”

“$800 actually, but do go on…”

He’d managed to get me to crack a smile, and he looked pretty proud of himself for that.

“I’m kidding. I think I got this shirt second hand. Went through a whole vintage phase with the solo career. Anyway, seriously, go on...”

“There’s nothing to go on about,” I stopped fiddling with my hair, and turned to face him. “You know when you haven’t seen your family in a while, and the prospect of seeing them makes you get in your head about, like, all the possible things that you could get wrong? Like how you dress, or speak, or what you order at dinner, or whatever, anything could set them off…”

  I watched Harry’s eyebrows raise into a frown as I went on. “N-no. I don’t know….” He looked sincerely confused.

“Are you saying that doesn’t happen to you?”

“It doesn’t. But, I know that my situation’s quite unusual, I only see my family like twice a year due to my job and-”

“I only see my family twice a year.”

I looked away, feeling embarrassed again and looking around me for something to distract myself with. Tears welling in the corners of my eyes already.

“I don’t want to push you to talk about something that you don’t wanna talk about, but you seem clearly upset, and, well…I’ve known you for a while now. Personally, I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you dress or speak, or what you order at dinner.” 

“That’s not what they’ll think…” I tried to get the words out but I doubt Harry could make out what I was saying as the crying overtook me again. I hated feeling so small and weak so I hid my face in the palm of my hands, not wanting to watch him watch me weep.

If he was uncomfortable at all, Harry did a great job of hiding it. He put the toilet seat cover down and made me sit on it, squatting down beside me. “Take a deep breath.” His gentle voice, just above a whisper, guiding me and helping to slow the spirals in my head.

I took several breaths and forced myself to stop crying. Bringing my knees close to my chest, I wrapped my arms around my legs. “My parents, they’re not bad people, Harry. Not at all- they…were just very young when they had me, and- well, there was a lot going on. Their parents didn’t approve of, like, the whole thing, and so they had no financial support, and- anyway, they took it out on me.” My resolve crumbled again and I couldn’t hold back the crying anymore. I rested my forehead on my knees and let my hot, salty tears run. Harry did nothing except rub slow, gentle circles along my back.

I swallowed, and looked up at him for a moment. Seeing the concern in his eyes made me feel pathetic, so I looked away quickly, choosing to focus my eyes on the bathroom floor instead. “This was a long time ago. They’ve changed now. Kind of. Like they won’t put their hands on me anymore, but, they really suck at communication” I giggled at my own words, mostly out of nerves, but seeing Harry smile too was good. “Anyway, even though they don’t not as bad a job as before, something inside of me still takes me back to those memories. Every time I see them, it’s like I’m 8 years old again and tiptoeing around trying to avoid conflict. What’s wrong with me that I can’t just let the past be in the past?!!”

“Hey, there is nothing wrong with you. You hear me?” He said without a moment’s pause.

I didn’t have it in me to respond. Too afraid that if I tried using my voice, I’d just be overcome with another wave of sobs, so I just nodded and blinked a few stray tears rolling down my face. Harry immediately reached over and wiped my eyes with the pad of his thumb, one teardrop at a time. I was suddenly aware that our faces were a mere few inches apart. At such a close distance, I saw his clear green eyes sparkle as he fixed his gaze on me, never once looking away or breaking eye-contact despite the difficult conversation that we were having. I felt as if he were looking straight into my soul, and the force of his eyes, his soft, plump lips, his  reassuring smile attempting to wordlessly negate all the destructive thoughts that swirled around me. I’d never felt so comforted by the simple presence of someone before. Usually, even the potential of sharing such a revealing, intimate side of myself to another human being had me running away as far as possible. Everything about my experiences with Harry was an exception.

“Uh-umm,” I attempted to break away from the spell of his beautiful face by clearing my throat and slowly unfolding my legs back down to the floor. “I’m running late, and I still have to figure out what to wear, and what to do with my hair, so…”

“Oh!” Harry took a minute to finally break eye contact and start to get up. “Yes, of course. I’ll let you get back to it, umm…”

He turned around to face the door as I stood back up, turning the faucet on to wash my tear-stained face, and at least try to look like an adult. The moment that I bent down to splash some water on my face I could feel Harry’s breath on my neck. He stood behind me and whispered in my ear, “You should wear that pretty little black dress, you wore to set once. You know? The one with the lacey ends? You looked so…. -holy fuck! Oh, and put your hair up. I like it when your neck is showing.”

His words sent a shiver through my body as I watched his reflection in the mirror. I blinked, and just like that, I heard the door shut behind me. He’d left.

***

Day 2, 9:47 PM.

I stormed out of the restaurant fuming and determined to get as far away from here as humanly possible. I couldn’t even remember how the argument had started, but by the end everyone was making passive-aggressive comments about how “closed-off” I am and how “little interest” I’ve shown in being a part of the family; and when I attempted to directly address to their backhanded comments, they all said I was “making a big deal out of a simple observation” and “looking to start a fight.” Basically, though they never uttered the words “you’re a shit daughter,” their words implied that I was the absolute worst person to be related to. I pulled my phone out of my purse. The screen lit up, showing a text from Harry. Sent 16 minutes ago. 

Harry (9:31 PM): I’ll wait up for you with the rest of that bottle we never finished. In the garden.

I opened the uber app and started typing his address into the “To” box, but slowly deleted it and put my own apartment address in. I couldn’t handle letting everyone see me like this. I couldn’t handle sharing a bed with Christopher for another night. I couldn’t handle anything at all at this point.

 ***

Day 3, 1:03 AM.

I was awakened by the sound of my phone’s  unrelenting vibrations on the nightstand. Harry’s sending a series of texts

Harry 2 hours ago:

It’s getting late and I’m getting worried. You still out with the family?

Harry 3 minutes ago:

Where are you? Everything alright?

Harry 2 minutes ago:

I’m officially freaking out. Now would be a good time to come back.

Harry now:

Where the fuck are you?! PLEASE LET ME HEAR FROM YOU?

Hello????!!!

I swear I WILL CALL THE POLICE!!!

I clicked on his last text to retrieve the message app and write him back.

“I’m fine, Harry.” I started to type, but quickly deleted and replaced it with “Please stop” but that felt too cruel a response to his honest concern. My mind drew a blank. I couldn’t come up with the right words to articulate that, despite not being in mortal danger and needing the police to rescue me, I was decidedly NOT FINE AT ALL. 

Harry now:

You’re there! Typing! THANK FUCK!

Oh. You stopped.

Could you please just say something so I know you’re, like, not dead?

I tapped and held his text until the reaction bubbles popped up. I hit the thumbs up bubble.

He replied with, “thank you! I’ll let you be.”

Exiting the message app I saw that I had 3 missed calls. 1 from Sienna and 2 from Christopher.  I put my phone face down back on the nightstand and turn my bed-side lamp on, looking at the room around me. I felt disoriented and the whole room looked foreign to me. I’d fallen asleep with my dress and makeup on. My pillow was stained with tears, mascara, and foundation. I flipped it over and got up to change. Tossing my dress to the floor, I grabbed the nearest shirt I could find and got back into bed.

***

Day 3 9:23 AM

Harry 1 hour ago:

We’re just going over our lines for filming. We miss you and your input.

Christopher 2 hours ago: Spoke with Harry. Said you were okay but need some time. Let me know if you need to talk, ok? xx

3 missed calls from mom

My phone was at 3%, I plugged it in, stumbling over a book of short stories on my way back to bed. I picked the book up and decided to read it in bed.

***

Day 3, 6:15 PM

Harry now:

No pressure to reply. Just wanna say I’m here and I’m thinking of you.

I let the text notification fade, and letting it add to the number of unread messages on my phone, continuing to scroll endlessly. It didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I desperately wanted to be in his presence, but the very idea of being around other people right now overwhelmed me. How could both feelings be true at the same time?

***

 Day 4, 12:00 PM

Harry now:

In the pool. Alone. Wish you were here.

Christopher 2 minutes ago:

Checkin’ in. Hope you’re better today. What’re you up to?

Sienna 30 minutes ago:

Hi babes! I’m sorry you had to leave so abruptly. Can I bring you your things, and maybe get a cup of coffee?

***

Day 4 10:13 PM

Harry now:

Goodnight. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow on location!

***

On the afternoon of the first day back to filming I was startled out of my hard-won nap by a hard knock on my door. I knew, even before trudging over to the peephole, that it was Harry. Likely upset that I’d not been on set that morning. Or perhaps that I hadn’t replied to anyone’s texts or answered their calls.

“Open the fucking door, Matilda!” 

Even though I knew he wasn’t an angry person, the tone of his voice made me anxious. More because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to match his energy than because he could do or say anything to upset me. I considered not answering the door, but his relentless ruckus would surely alarm the neighbors.

My hands shook uncontrollably as I struggled to undo the chain on the door.

“Hey Harry…” my voice was hoarse and it scratched at my throat as I spoke.

The anger in his body dissipated as soon as his gaze landed on me, or whatever he could see of me through the small crack in the doorway. My own gaze, however, struggled to meet his. I alternated between looking in his direction and the direction of the floor. I knew that, even through the half open door, he could still see enough of my current state: the dark circles under my eyes, my hair unbrushed for days, the same pajamas I’d thrown on since my parents’ dinner. My only comfort was in the fact that, with my body blocking the doorway, he couldn’t see the state of my apartment.

We stood there, not speaking. His face signaling concern, pity, confusion. If I had any tears left in me I’m sure I’d have burst right then and there, but, the past few nights had taken all the emotion out of me. I’d now entered the pure numbness stage of my depressive episode. The hardest one to crawl out of. Because feeling something, even if it’s just complete despair, still enabled me to relate to the world albeit negatively. Feeling nothing, on the other hand, left me entirely alone.

“You weren’t at work today.” Harry had finally broken the silence.

“Yeah, umm, Fran said she’d take over for me and-”

“Yeah she told me.” He smiled, clearly out of discomfort. “I’m worried about you.” 

I shut my eyes, too embarrassed to let him look at me.

“And…maybe I’m right to be! I mean, no offense, Matilda, but look at you…”

“Harry, please. I didn’t come to work because I don’t want to-”

“May I come in?” he interrupted, his voice hopeful.

“No.”  I chopped that hope down by the legs.

“Let me in, Matilda.”

“That’s not even my real name.”

“Let me in. Now.”

I looked up at the ceiling, rolling my eyes, and moved out of the doorway letting him in.

He stood in the hall and looked around him, assessing the severity of the situation. I knew that he was putting on a front because no normal human being who sees my depression mess could remain unphased. Even I grimaced at it every time. 

The longer that Harry went without expressing concern or disgust the more my heart raced and my breath quickened. “Sorry about the mess. It’s not usually like this.”

“It’s fine.” He smiled.

“I mean, thanks, but it’s actually not fine.”

He said nothing, took out his phone, and stood there, scrolling on it for a moment; finally, he looked up from the screen and pocketed his phone again.

“When was the last time you slept?”

“I was actually napping just then…”

 He made his way over to the overflowing kitchen sink and salvaged a glass which he filled with water from the fridge full of leftover containers, and handed it to me. “Drink up.”

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing, Harry, but you should go…”

“I will be doing no such thing…where do you keep the trash bags around here?” he went back into the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets. 

I ran over to him, exerting physical effort for the first time that week, and almost slipped, the two day old socks I’d been wearing sliding across the floor. 

“Please stop whatever this is and go home, Harry.” I placed both hands on the arm he’d used to open the overhead cabinet. “You can’t be here.”

“Yes, I can.”

“I’M CLINICALLY DEPRESSED HARRY!” He’d driven me to yelling, and I hated it more than anything. 

He said nothing in response but he kept his eyes on my face. Never losing the determination.

“What I’m trying to say is…you can’t fix this. Not with a glass of water and some recycling. I’m not some damsel in distress waiting for you to rescue me.”

“I promise not to rescue you.”

Harry shut the cabinet and took a hold of my two hands, planting them firmly around his neck. He then leaned over and wrapped his arms around me at the knees and shoulders, carrying me in his arms. “I know what this looks like, but I’m still not doing any rescuing.” He planted a quick kiss on my temple when he heard me giggle. 

Harry carried me into the bathroom as if over a threshold and set me down on the counter, immediately reaching for my bath items and running the water as if he’d lived here and done this before. While the bathtub filled, he stood in the space between my dangling legs and placed his hands on my waist squeezing and hugging me.

“I don’t want to fix you. I want to help you fix yourself.” He spoke into my ear before breaking away from the embrace to look at me. “C’mon missy. Into the bath you go.” He tapped my hips, hooking his fingers into the waistband of the leggings that had practically adhered to my skin and peeled them off. 

“Uh, n-no Harry. Gross!” I attempted to stop him. Suddenly extremely aware of…well everything. The surely disgusting body odors, the hairy legs, the dry skin. I did not want him to see any of it.

“You’re going to do as I say.” He simply ignored my warnings and continued to wordlessly undress me. 

I complained to him about how unsexy I felt letting his first time seeing me naked be with all this hair all over me. 

“It’s just body hair, Matilda…” He said matter of factly. “But if it bothers you so much, we’ll have to do something about it.”

“Not ‘we’” I objected immediately.

“You either do as I say, or I make you.”

I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but I didn’t ask. Letting myself be moved around at his discretion. He helped me into the bubble bath he’d drawn, going into my closet and bringing back towels, a clean pair of underwear, and keeping his eyes to himself. He messed around in every corner of the bathroom until he’d recovered my shaving kit and placed it on the edge of the tub. 

“I’ll be right back.” he announced, disappearing for some time.

Harry had shut the door behind him causing the bathroom to grow warm and misty from the bathwater. Fog covered the bathroom mirror, so I could no longer see my reflection in it. I let myself sink deeper into the bath until it covered my knees and breasts completely. I leaned my head back and  closed my eyes, feeling the tension in my muscles melt away as if seeping out of me and into the scented bath water.  I have no idea how long I stayed like that.

“Don’t fall asleep on me now!” I heard Harry’s voice chuckling as he stood over me with a gentle smile. He sat at the edge of the tub and grabbed my shampoo bottle. “Coconut and Papaya” he read off the label. You know, I think Sienna’s dog has the same one!” he laughed, clearly pleased with his own joke.

He squirted some shampoo onto his hand and began to massage it gently into my hair. I’d opened my mouth to state that I was a grown woman, perfectly capable of washing my own hair, but he gave me a look. One that I had never seen before but that clearly said “remember what we said about doing as I say?” Soon, he moved on to scrubbing my body too, and then took great care and attention to rinse every inch of my body off watching the soap disappear and smiling at nothing in particular. His hands were gentle and precise. 

Something about the way that he handled me like a precious object felt terrifyingly intimate without being sexual. The way that his wet hands moved over my skin, he was getting to know every part of my body without getting any pleasure or gratification out of it. Yet another experience with Harry that I hadn’t shared with anyone else before.

Finally, when he took a brand new shaving razor out of it’s plastic container and asked me to raise my arm, I started to cry. It might have been this hydrating bath, or the glass of water he’d forced on me earlier, but my eyes had found more tears to shed. Even as I panted and my sniffles got louder, Harry continued to work the razor delicately down my body, making great work of making sure I was smooth and comfortable.

I wrapped my hand around his wrist as he attempted to move the razor between my legs. “You could hurt yourself!” he chided. 

“Harry, No. That’s too much.”

“What? Shaving your pussy?” he said bluntly, making me blush. “Oh, do you not normally shave it? Sorry. Okay.” he wiggled his wrist out of my firm grasp.

“I do, I just- please give me the razor.”

He paused for a moment looking at me and considering my request.

“Alright. I got some stuff to do anyway…” he handed it to me and left.

***

I walked out of the bathroom in the clothes Harry had laid out for me to find that he’d changed the bedding and cleaned my room.

“What the….?”

Harry was bent over my night stand, refilling my diffuser with my “sleeptime scent.”

He’d drawn the curtains and even brought me a water bottle.

“C’mon. Let’s tuck you in.” He fluffed up my pillows.

I hesitantly got into bed, Watching Harry’s movements around the room. Turning off the lights, he told me to have fun snoozing and began to walk out of the room when I begged him to stay.

“You want me here?” a grin forming on his face despite his best efforts to hide it.

“Just until I fall asleep, okay?”

He rushed over to my side, unable to contain himself, and quickly got under the covers with me, wrapping one arm around me and threading another hand through my hair as I laid my head on his shoulder.

***

We sat in my bed all afternoon, me glued to his side, venting and describing my worries over not getting to a stable place with my family before it’s too late, feeling that this instability inevitably takes a toll on my personal life, no matter how disconnected I am from my parents. At first, I felt nervous sharing my deepest, darkest thoughts with him. I made sure to preface everything with a long rant about not wanting to hear any “but it’s all in your head” or “but you’re better than you think you are” or “the future will work out just fine,” defensively informing him that if anxiety disorders could be cured by simply “deciding” not to be anxious anymore, the whole field of psychiatry wouldn’t exist. As time went on, however, I felt less and less like I needed to prove the realness of my mental illness to him, and I just went on speaking.

Harry, to his credit, did not interject once. He resorted to wiping any occasional tears away, echoing my nervous laughter whenever I made a self-deprecating joke or attempted to deflect, and squeezing me tighter to him if he sensed that I was apprehensive. “It’s okay” he’d whisper every time I mentioned being frustrated with my broken brain that it won’t let me have a “normal life,” or that I wished I could be a more functional human being. Finally, with my messy, discordant thoughts now out in the open, my brain felt empty and I fell asleep. Presumably in his arms.

I woke up as the sun was setting outside my window, Harry’s place in my bed empty.

“Hey sleepy girl” he looked up from the book he’d picked off my shelves when he saw me standing in the living room staring around me. He’d literally wiped every surface of the apartment clear of the last few days.

“Did you sleep okay?”

Still stunned at the state of everything, I could only nod and make my way over to the couch next to him.

Sure, he’d placed some items back where they didn’t belong, and arranged my throw pillows in ways that had never occurred to me, but he’d worked miracles. 

“You hungry? I made dinner.”

“Dinner?! Harry, that Mac and Cheese is probably expired!”

“You’re telling me! It tasted like grilled 3 day old garbage.” He laughed and stood up placing the book on the coffee table. “What? I got hungry! So, I went grocery shopping.”

I fired up the stove and started setting the dining table. I hurried over to help, and immediately saw that the entire kitchen had been restocked. Paper towels, detergent, crackers, frozen meals in the fridge,

“You’re depressed, yes? Meaning simple tasks can be overwhelming? You said that earlier…so I made extra! Put it in the fridge or the freezer or whatever. Then the next time you can’t be bothered to cook…TA DA! Food!”

“Harry, I-” I paused. Not knowing how to articulate the depths of my gratitude. A general feeling of care and gratefulness, in itself, was foreign to me. As a friend, he’d shown me more attention and generosity than anyone I’d ever met before him.  Then, he’d comforted me through the aftermath of a panic attack– something I’d never shared with anyone before– and as if all that weren’t enough,  now he was going above and being to carry this burden with me. My mind literally hit a wall. I did not understand why he was doing any of this. Or what I had done to deserve it. It made me want to bolt and disappear forever. And I felt guilty that my instinct is to, just, leave.

“Everything alright?” Harry leaned over to meet my eyes, holding a salad bowl in his hands.

“Why are you doing all this?” I blurted out, my town more confrontational than curious.

“We’ve been over this. I don’t expect you to wake up tomorrow all sunshine and rainbows cuz I cleaned your apartment or fed you a hot, three course meal. Now sit, let’s eat.”

***

After dinner and clean up, Harry dragged me out for a walk. Despite my best excuses about my stomach being full, he insisted that I see the outside world. I hated how right he was.

“You were right about what you said the other day.” I said, unsettling the comfortable silence.

Without missing a beat, Harry replied with “I’m right about a lot of things, Matilda, you’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“What you said about me being afraid of passionate relationships.”

Harry stopped in his tracks. I turned around as soon as I noticed that he was no longer walking beside me and saw the look of regret on his face. “I- I shouldn’t have said that. I was a dick to you. I didn’t– I didn’t know about all this. Your family, your mental health… You have every right to be-” 

“Just let me talk, ok?” 

“You’re right that I’m afraid, but not because passion scares me. I’m afraid to like it, depend on it, get used to it.” Harry’s apologetic demeanor turned into confusion as he listened.

I began to feel myself lose the burst of bravery that had compelled me to confess, so I looked away, urging him to resume walking. “Because, well, everyone leaves, Harry!” I spoke with my eyes glued to the pathway in front of us. “They all said they won’t in the beginning. Not just partners either. Friends too. Everyone says they wanna be there for you; mental health isn’t something to be ashamed of; asking for help is important. All which is TRUE, don’t get me wrong. I know that….But, the crying you’ve seen me do over the past couple of weeks? That’s pretty standard for me. And living in squalor- that’s a regular occurrence as well. Like, at least once a month. Sometimes more…I get these depressive episodes, and…This one was pretty mild. Cuz it’s predictable. I know what triggered it. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I just wake up and I feel like shit.”  I felt myself run out of breath so I paused. Harry said nothing, and I couldn’t stand the silence so I continued ranting. “And, you know, being in a relationship with someone who’s bound to be depressed most of the time can take a toll on people. And even if it doesn’t. I just– I worry. About reaching out to, or leaning on, the same person time and time again. I don’t wanna be a burden to the people that make me feel comfortable enough to share this stuff with. So, I– end up trying to rely on other coping mechanisms, and they think I’m pulling away.”

We turned around, heading back to my apartment.

I mustered the remains of my courage and glanced at Harry with the corner of my eye. He was looking thoughtfully into the distance, processing what I had divulged.

“May I say something?” He finally asked.

“Sure.”

“ I hear you. I won’t pretend that I understand, cuz I don’t. And I know I never will. But I hear what you’re saying.” He held the door open for me as we walked back into the building. “I have a counter argument though. With all due respect, Matilda –and I do mean this; I don’t ever want to trivialize your struggle with my ignorance– but I don’t think it’s your right to make my decisions for me. Why would you let ME decide what I can and can’t handle?”

“I don’t wanna lose you.” I unlocked the door and let us into the apartment.

“Who says you have to lose me?”

I shook my head. At what, I wasn’t sure. “Don’t wanna bring you down with me.” My eyes began to sting with tears.

Harry grabbed his coat off the hanger by the door and felt around his pockets to make sure he had his wallet, keys, and phone all on him.

He walked closer to me closing the gap between us and brought his hands up to my face. I closed my eyes, ready for his lips to touch mine, but he surprised me by kissing my cheek instead. “It’s getting late. Work tomorrow. I should go. You should go to bed too. Text me to let me know that you’re in bed in a bit.” He turned around aiming for the door.

“Hey Harry?”

“Yes, Darling?”

“I like it when you tell me what to do.”

He turned back around to face me. The look in his eyes was wild.

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

➶ WHAT MAKES THE MHA BOYS BREAK (PT. 2)

pairings: mirio togata, tenya iida, katsuki bakugo, aizawa shota, tomura shigaraki, dabi, hawks, mashirao ojiro, tamaki amajiki

warnings: hinting anxiety/anxiety attacks, reverse comfort, also tamaki’s made me cry so have fun lmao 

part one with mezo shoji, tokoyami fumikage, hanta sero, izuku midoriya, shoto todoroki, eijiro kirishima, denki kaminari, hitoshi shinsou here!

WHEN YOU COMFORT THEM THE MOMENT THEY BREAK DOWN: MIRIO TOGATA, TENYA IIDA, KATSUKI BAKUGO

MIRIO TOGATA

there was no way that mirio was completely fine after everything that had happened to him

he had lost his quirk, experienced a battle that could result in permanent trauma, and he lost nighteye-- the leader and hero that he had looked up to for so long

but when you told him that it was okay to be strong all the time, mirio had broken

he broke for the first time in what felt like years

“don’t worry a-ahbout me!” 

the saddest part about it?

he was smiling through his tears not even a few moments after his grin broke

his lips were trembling, his eyes were red and his entire body was shaking with suppressed sobs, but he had an unwavering smile.

and that... that was heartwrenching to look at.

his smile fell, his body trembled and he let out a strangled sobbut for some reason, this-- none of it had shown a single trace of weakness. it was a way of him to express very human emotions and reactions as everyone else could.

he wasn’t disappointing nighteye in anyway-- more of showing respect by letting it all out to be able to show genuine smiles in public

how come such human emotions were labeled as good or bad?

“i let him down,” mirio gasped, “i let him down, i hurt him, i could have saved him, and-”

“hey, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay. it’s just me baby, it’s just me,” you cooed as you wrapped your arms around him. “shhh, it’s just me. you’re okay.”

mirio’s hands trembled as he gripped tight onto you

his chest was getting tighter as he burst into struggled breaths. he was just so... tired.

a million thoughts zipped through his head at once, but he just had to calm the storm for a while in your arms

TENYA IIDA 

it was right after the accident in hosu city, and everything, everything had gone wrong

even though he didn’t show it at first, he felt used as an advertisement for hatsume, and then losing in a battle with todoroki and felt like he was thriving on dumb luck

he just wanted to make his brother proud, that was-

-if he could, anymore. 

he felt so weak for letting himself feel this way, his head racing and chest heaving as he struggled to breathe

letting your guard down will just make things worse. tensei wouldn’t want this.

tenya’s body visibly trembled as he let out a shaky breath in his dorm room, thinking everything over in the darkness

“iida?” you asked, knocking on the door.

immediately, his demeanor changed as he shifted over to a braver face. 

“hello, y/n!”

just breathe. they’ll be gone sooner or later. breathe.

“why are you up this late at night?” he asked.

“i was just checking in on you, but i should be asking you the same question, sonic boy,” you grinned, until you noticed his hands trembling.

and for some reason, that hurt you. his face was.. so put together with a brave smile, confident eyes, and his head held up high and posture straight and firm

but when you saw his hands trembling and an odd shifting in his chest, you knew something was up

“are you okay?” you tested the words. 

tenya tried. he tried so, so hard to smile and affirm with a confident, “yes!”

but he couldn’t.

“i-i’m not- i’m not sure-,” his voice broke into a whisper. 

“i don’t know.”

you melted into a hug next to him as you took a seat. “hey, you can tell me anything, okay? it’s okay not to have your guard up all the time, it’s not weak to show emotion. just- if you want, can you tell me what’s been going on?”

tenya took a shaky breath and pushed up his glasses. “of course, thank you for asking, i will.”

KATSUKI BAKUGO

after his fight with deku, all of the willpower left in him to hold himself together disappeared 

katsuki had been exhausted after a long day of fighting, not just physically, but emotionally

he had tried to keep his head high for as long as he could, but the moment he went to his dorm room, he just... broke.

angry tears released and he choked out heavy, strangled sobs as he pounded his fist to the ground in frustration

katsuki cursed towards whoever was there, until he found you standing behind him

he was too tired to argue.

“the fuck are you doing here,” he grumbled.

“is something wrong, 'suki?” you whispered. “i was just coming by to drop off your water bottle, you left it during hero training,” you examined his face. “are you- are you okay?”

he loved you, he really did-- but today just wasn’t a good day. “mn-no,” he managed to say.

his chest was heaving and his eyes seemed to be searching the room, as if looking for an exit.

you noticed the dark circles around his eyes and the way his lips trembled. had he been crying?

you slowly cupped his face in your hands, noses touching as you two shared breaths, inhaling and exhaling together

katsuki was too tired to pull away. 

he felt so weak.

you could hear katsuki’s breath shaking but slowly dying in volume as he held him tighter

“hey,” you said softly, brushing your thumb across his cheek. “you’re gonna be okay ‘suki. you’re gonna be okay.”

they’re pitying me.

“this?” you said, holding his bruised hand up and motioning towards his trembling figure. “this isn’t weak.” you said, as if reading his mind. “this is strong. this is brave. being emotionally vulnerable is one of the most courageous things anyone can ever do, and you are so much more than that, m’kay?”

he nodded in response. even though he didn’t express it that well, he thought of it 

WHEN YOU PROMISE TO STAY: TOMURA SHIGARAKI, HAWKS, DABI

DABI

everyone shut up i love him

all that he’s ever wanted and asked for in life was for someone to notice him for who he genuinely was, to be free to do whatever he pleased

it was late at night and you two were outside, the moon illuminating in the darkness as you slid against the wall of the city in the back of the building

“anything interesting happen?” you asked, staring up into the moon

the night was young and it had been a rough, terrible day at work for both of you, even though you had separate jobs and shfits-- the only thing that pushed you forward everyday was being able to meet with dabi right after, at exatly 11pm. 

sure, you did it every day, and it shouldn’t have been that impactful-- but for some reason, somehow, everything about talking to him was so... exhilerating. 

he didn’t reply.

“uhhm,” you shuffled nervously toward him. “dabi, you good?”

he let out a shaky exhale, which was odd.

hold the phone.

no, really, someone hold the phone because it was ringing

“oh, sorry, one sec,” you rushed, hurrying to answer. it was one of your co-workers. “hello!”

“uhuh. yeah. oh, cool... got it, mhm, be right ther-”

you noticed how dabi’s body language immediately changed as he turned around and crossed his arms gently over his chest and stared into the sky.

this really, really wasn’t like him. 

something had to be wrong.

“uhm, on second thought,” you said. “does tomorrow at... noon work for you? i have plans. yeah. mhm, sorry not tonight. yep, bye!”

dabi’s eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t look at you. “who was that?”

“one of my coworker buddies or whatever. they wanted to have a drink with me, but i said no.”

“why’d you say no?” he deadpanned.

“uhhhm, well, you certainly don’t seem very... how should i say this, at your fullest?”

“but why?” dabi said. “you meet with me every day, and going with your friends is probably a lot easier than this. what’s so different about it..?”

you thought carefully as you shrugged casually, gently leaning your head against his shoulder. “if one of my closest pals were down, i couldn’t just... leave them like that. and even though i know you won’t tell me what’s wrong, i just.. i just don’t want you to feel alone, you know? like everyone in your life has left? and i- i don’t want to do that to you.”

even though dabi stayed relatively quiet for the rest of the night, 

just know that was the day he fell in love with you.

SHIGARAKI

nightmares were the worst. 

for the record, he didn’t get them often, but when he did, and actually reacted to it... they ended up terrible

he gasped, grasping at the air for his mother’s embrace only to be met with nothingness

he clawed at his skin as his breath hitched, trying to control himself

“tomura?” you asked. “...are- are you okay?”

“get away from me,” he trembled. “i’m a... i’m a monster.”

you furrowed your eyebrows in concern. “hey, hey, c’mon. what’s going on-”

“leave me alone.”

his sudden change in tone made you jump as you stepped back and you watched his figure tremble. 

“shigaraki.”

“if something’s wrong, don’t sugarcoat it. if something’s wrong, please, for the love of the world, tell me, okay? i just- i just want to see you... maybe..”

“what?” shigaraki deadpanned. “happy? satisfied? content? joyful? you people all want the same thing.”

“hopeful.”

shigaraki looked up. 

“i want to see you hopeful, m’kay? so just... please. you don’t need to tell me word-for-word, but-- if you need something, i’m here.”

he was not going to cry. nuhuh. no way. no way was he going to start crying. 

you wrapped your arms around him before he cautiously hugged back, letting himself slowly melt into your embrace, his satin gloves against your clothes

“hey. i promise you, i’m never going to be leaving. no matter how much you mess up, no matter how terrible you may feel-- you mean the world to me. please hold on just a little longer.”

HAWKS

it wasn’t supposed to happen until later, when he was actually able to get home and prepare himself for anxious feeling in his stomach to finally settle

but noooo, his mental state really just said yolo

so here he was, reliving his entire childhood with memories that he’d pushed down for so long, about to snap in a matter of seconds

“keigo~!”

your familiar voice rang through his head. 

he just wanted to be held by you.

the most beautiful part about being with hawks his that he genuinely didn’t care about his pride around you. he wasn’t insecure of what you thought of him. he didn’t freak out or try to act like he was fine when you were with him, because... why would he need to? 

so instead of putting on a brave face and getting scared of your voice as if being anxious was a crime, he melted into it.

“hey angel, i got you some food at the-”

“y/...y/n,” his breath hitched. your voice, that you often said you were insecure about-- was his safe haven. he felt safe when he heard your voice and let himself crumple. he didn’t have to worry about putting his walls up, because it was just you.

beautiful, loving, kind you. 

his love was something special that he gave to no one else.

“k-keigo!” 

even though you were far from him, your bags in hand and everything, you immediately dropped them and ran to your boyfriend

“hey, hey, baby, what’s going on?” 

he stood directly in front of you, his head down and not saying a word.

you let your breathing sync with his as you reached out to hold his hand, when he threw his arms around you before his trembling body was held in your embrace

“-hey,” you said, shocked by the sudden embrace, before you hugged back, slowly, rocking him back and forth. “you’re going to be okay.”

“you don’t have to tell me anything, just-- focus on me,”

“i’m never leaving you, okay? no matter what you do, you’re still going to be my hero.”

and hawks decided on that day that out of anything else in the world, you meant the most to him. 

WHEN YOU TELL THEM THAT THEY MATTER: TAMAKI AMAJIKI, MASHIRAO OJIRO, SHOTA AIZAWA

TAMAKI AMAJIKI

useless. useless. useless.

why wouldn’t his stupid quirk activate before? why couldn’t he be more optimistic? why was he always thinking about something else? why couldn’t he ever stay positive and cheery like everyone else?

how was everyone else so strong?

but laying in a hospital bed, in complete silence and vulnerability...

that scared him.

tamaki blinked back the sudden tears that prickled against his eyes-- nuhuh, no way was he about to cry when so many other people had it worse, no way he was going to break down when nighteye was dead, he was not about to cry if mirio could be strong and so many other people had it worse, and-

“tamaki, snap out if it!”

your cold hands cupped his face, as you stared him directly in the eyes. “what are you doing?”

tamaki jumped back at your sudden question. but for some reason, the way you said it wasn’t angrily, more like... a statement? a question? as if you were asking are you okay?

tamaki shook his head. “i don’t... i don’t kn-know..”

get away, get away, get away.

your hands brushed back a hair from his face as you crouched down in front of him, your hands still helping him cool down. they rested gently on his scalp and along his face as you felt his breathing grow uneasy.

“listen,” you began slowly. “i’m not saying you need to tell me what’s going on, but... i just- i have a feeling that you’re not doing okay. and i know that because no one was ever really there for me back then, so if you want to say anything--”

“--i’m here for you.”

tamaki crumpled then as he let the tears fall.

his entire mask shattered as his breath hitched, trying to hold back the sobs but only came out as strangled breaths. 

“hey, hey, hey, you’re okay, you’re okay.” 

you held up his chin and rocked him back and forth, slowly. “just because other people seem to be going through bigger things doesn’t mean that you should invalidate your problems. if something’s hurting you, that’s enough of a problem to take care of it.”

tamaki began to shake as he suddenly clutched onto you, his body trembling as he nodded. 

what would mirio, nejire, nighteye, fatgum-- what would they think of him now?

“whatever is going around in your head right now will all quiet soon, i promise you, ‘mkay?”

“it’s okay. it’s okay. you’re okay.” 

AIZAWA SHOTA

“you didn’t eat,” you said, staring at the takeout that was left in its packaging. 

you heard shota mumble under his sleeping bag. “i’ll eat after.”

“after what?” you said back from the kitchen. 

you weren’t exactly mad at him, you could say-- it was more of disappointment, maybe? concern? he had always been so concerned about his students that he forgot to take care of himself-- no wonder why he was so angry lately. 

(and no, it wasn’t his resting face, he was genuinely burnt-out the last couple of days and it wasn’t getting better.)

“shota, come on,” you said softly. “or else i’m taking your sleeping bag away from you.”

aizawa’s head emerged from the bag, the light from the laptop giving a lovely display of his eyebags. “oh?”

he smirked, even though he seemed so drained.

“yes,” you said, pointing your nose up in the air and crossing your arms. “and you better go eat before i take it away.”

aizawa raised an eyebrow, but obliged.

you watched him eat, but he kept his laptop on the table the whole time.

he was looking through the profiles of all his students, and that was-- insane

despite how much had happened to him, he always thought of someone else first, putting everyone else above him.

“you’re going to overwork yourself,” you finally said. 

“amazing,” aizawa sighed back. “had no clue.”

“oh, c’mon,” you egged. “you matter too, ya know.”

you noticed how tense his shoulders were, how his gaze was fixated to the screen and the way his veins were protruding from lack of sleep, and how red his eyes were.

sure, most of the time, this was normal-- but you just had this gut feeling that something was wrong.

“i suppose you’re not wrong,” aizawa ventured. “but sometimes, you realize that students make up most of the world. i want them to grow..”

his gaze on the screen broke.

“and for them to know a world of love and kindess, not-- whatever this is.”

you looked at him before wrapping your arms around him and kissing his forehead. “but they have a teacher who works so hard already, and you-- you deserve a break. you’re always working so hard, and you have to remember that you matter, too, okay?”

you smiled sadly. “i need to go to work, but please finish the takeout for me, hmm?”

he never told you this, of course-- but yeah, he thought of your voice every time he wanted to take a break. he never forgot the words you said. 

MASHIRAO OJIRO

being forgotten was something that came way too easily for him.

everyone in class 1a was so good at everything-- they all either had good looks, a nice voice, talents, a cool quirk, technique, charisma, and he?

ojiro felt like he didn’t have anything.

but what did it matter, right? being the forgotten one was fine to him, at least. he was able to take time for himself. 

...kind of.

he was heading back from ua into the dorms, walking alone when he realized it started to rain.

picking up his bags, he ran, putting them under his shoulders so that they didn’t get wet-- it wasn’t a long walk, but it was a lot to have to run back and make sure everything stayed dry

“wait!”

ojiro turned around to find you, carrying your backpack in the air and waving your arms. “slow-” you panted, “down! god, where’d all the rain come from??”

he chuckled slightly, until he noticed your bag getting soaked, and before he knew it, ojiro called you over and said he could carry your bag

“are you sure?” you asked, in-between breaths. “i doubt you can carry both-”

ojiro laughed and waved his tail like a hand. “i can carry it.”

your face lit up. “thanks! okay, now let’s run back, c’mon.”

you two ran as fast as you could, trying not to slip as the rain began to pour even harder against your backs. 

but when you opened the doors to the dorms and your bag was completely dry, ojiro smiled.

(also y’all he’s an underrated king DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW PRECIOUS HIS SMILE IS?? PLS-)

“thanks,” you grinned. “your quirk is actually really cool. not just for keeping stuff dry, but uh, thanks. i appreciate it.”

something inside of him made his heart swell. 

“really?” ojiro asked. “do you really- is that true?”

he didn’t want to get his hopes up too quickly, but the way you nodded proudly and affirmed it was something he could never forget.

“yeah!” you said. “just because you’re not flashy as other people doesn’t mean that you’re a plain, boring person, you know that? you’re actually really cool!”

“huh. thanks,” he noted-- and don’t worry, he walked back into his dorm room with a grin on his face the whole time.

🕭 reblog | comment | like 🕭

hey bbys! reminder to go take a break and drink some water if you’re reading this! y’all are so amazing and beautiful, and please remember that you’re valid as well. what you did today was more than enough, please remember that!! i’m very proud of you for getting through today. ily <3

qotd, what song reminds you of a fictional character 👀

join my family! 

list of family members: @kirishimuhhhhh​, @xuxisushi-1​, @kirishima-my-beloved​, @msminsuga​, @farfetchedparanoia​, @satis-mangata​, @moonhere​, @renegadedeca​, @viridevi​​, @cherriiirose​​ <3

☂ requests are open for mha + hq!! ☂

[waitimcomingtoo]

In Case You Don’t Live Forever

~chapter two rewritten~

Pairing: Peter Parker x Venom!Reader

Synopsis: you are Peters greatest love and Spider-Man’s greatest enemy

Masterlist and Series Masterlist

Moving and finding an apartment can be an incredibly long and stressful process. Unless you’re you, and life likes to throw a lot of curve balls at you for the utter hell of it.

Your dad dropped dead three weeks after you told Andy you were moving to New York. Coincidentally, right in the middle of you trying to find a place to live. He drank himself to death. Figures. You doubted you’d ever had a conversation with him that he was sober enough to remember. His untimely demise was unfortunate for him, because he died or whatever, but very fortunate for you. As his only child, you got his apartment in Queens and all his smelly hoodies.

You said your goodbyes to Andy and Dani after a night out in the streets of San Francisco. You had originally moved there after high school to start your show, The L/n Report. San Francisco was known for its crimes against the homeless population and you wanted to start with a story on that. You ended up interviewing Andy at the police station while investigating a missing person, and dated him for two years. Now, you were spending your last few hours in San Francisco with the very boy you once loved and the very girl he now did.

“Are you all packed?” Dani asked you, snapping you out of your thoughts.

“Pretty much. I gotta put my toothbrush and hairbrush in my suitcase in the morning. Other than that, I’m good to go.” You answered her. She smiled fondly at you as she linked her arm through yours.

“Hey, I’m really gonna miss you. More than that guy over there.” You whispered, nodding towards Andy, who had his head buried in his phone. Dani laughed and nodded in agreement as you continued to walk.

“I’m going to miss you too. You’re my best friend here.” She sighed sadly.

“I’m glad we’re friends. Most women in our position would hate each other.” You thought out loud.

“Uh uh. You’re thinking of women in films. It’s 2021, baby. Women support women. You and I are two talented, smart, beautiful women who would never be caught fighting over some boy. Especially not one who can’t take his eyes off his phone for two seconds.” Dani said loudly and smacked Andy’s arm. You laughed at the domestic moment but couldn’t help feeling a pain in your heart knowing he used to be that way with you.

“What, sorry?” Andy looked up. You and Dani looked at him before looking at each other and laughing.

“What’s funny?” He asked, growing annoyed.

“We’re laughing at you babe. Put your phone away. It’s Y/N’s last night here.” Dani scolded playfully. Andy sighed and reluctantly put his phone in his pocket.

“Right, sorry. And it’s not her last night here. She’s coming back. You are coming back, right?” He asked you. You nodded, though you weren’t entirely sure.

“Of course I’ll be back.” You shrugged. “I just want to experience something new for a while. I’ve done a million pieces on homelessness and poverty. I want to see what fresh stories New York has to offer.”

“You’re quoting the Daily Bugle, aren’t you?” Dani teased you.

“That is verbatim what they said to me.” You admitted with a laugh. “But hey, it worked. As of tomorrow, I’m the Daily Bugle’s newest investigative reporter.”

“Who are you reporting on anyway?” Andy showed a rare interest in your work.

“Some guy named Cletus Kasady.” You answered. “He’s some hot shot serial killer down in Queens. No one knows how he’s hiding his victims bodies. Apparently none have ever been close to being found.”

“And they want you to write the story on him?” Andy raised an eyebrow, always with the condescending tone.

“Well they heard about the whole Carlton Drake situation and decided I hadn’t been through enough trauma in my career.” You replied, earning a laugh from Dani but not Andy. You and Andy had already broken up by the time Carlton Drake contracted a symbiote and tried to kill you and Venom. You stopped him before he could hurt anyone and wrote a career defining article on his lethal human experiments. You managed to leave out all information regarding symbiotes from the article, so your secret was still safe. You were a fairly well known reporter since the incident and your next job was waiting for you in New York.

In the morning, You and Venom got on a plane and made your way to New York. Being on a plane with Venom turned out to be the equivalent to traveling with a toddler. You tried to sleep, but every two seconds you had to stop Venom from getting into trouble. She kept trying to open the window, even after you explained to her that everyone on the plane would die horrible death if the window were to open.

“Stop that.” You whispered when you noticed a black tendril creeping towards the window. The lady in the seat next to you shot me a look of confusion. You gave her a fake smile and turned back to the window, doing your best to conceal the small black tendril that was coming out of your body and fidgeting with the airplane window.

“We want it open.” Venom replied telepathically.

“Do you also want us to blow out of the plane and into space?” You said through my teeth.

“We didn’t anticipate that but it’d be appreciated.” Venom answered, making you groan. The rest of the plane ride followed in similar fashion.

Seven hours later, you arrived at the apartment building. You had never been to your dads apartment, you didn’t even know he had one. You wondered what happened to your childhood home as you looked around the place. The apartment wasn’t too small but not too big either. The rent was practically nothing compared to how expensive San Francisco was, and The Daily Bugle offered to cover your expenses until the story was done. You figured after some redecorating and moving in, it would make a fine new home.

The first seven days in the apartment went by smoothly. You unpacked, with little to no help from Venom, and set up the furniture. On the eight day, you sat on the couch, aimlessly flipping through channels in the TV when you had a thought.

“Oh shit.” You said out loud.

“What?” Venom, who was curly nestled around your neck like a neck pillow, asked.

“I forgot mail exists.” You frowned. “We better go check the mailbox before it overflows.”

You and Venom grudgingly walked to the mailboxes and back again. No one was around, so she manifested herself and rested on your shoulder as I looked through the mail.

“Oops. I grabbed someone else’s mail too.” You clicked your tongue when you read a strangers name off the envelope. “I gotta find them.”

“Let’s go.” Venom said and pulled you towards the front door.

“Sorry, babe. This is a me thing, not a we thing. You know I love you but I don’t want to scare our neighbors. Not yet anyway.” You reasoned. Venom grumbled and went back inside your body.

You checked the address of the envelope and discovered that it belonged to the apartment directly across from you.

You knocked on the door and patiently waited for someone to open it as you mindlessly cracked your knuckles. Just as you were about to walk away, the door opened.

“Hi, are you May Parker?” You asked right away. You looked up from the envelope and your face instantly flushed. The person staring back at you definitely wasn’t May Parker. It was a boy around your age, maybe a little younger. He had soft brown eyes and wavy brown hair. It was gelled back loosely and you could see the outline of soft curls. To your surprise, he was just as flushed as you were. You stared at each other for a moment, no one wanting to be the first to blink.

“Yea. I’m May Parker.” The boy said finally. He shut his eyes in embarrassment and shook his head.

“I mean, no I’m not. But that’s my Aunt. May is my Aunt but I’m not May. That’s my Aunt May. I’m her nephew…obviously. Aunt May is my Aunt May. I…what?” He stumbled over his words and somehow turned even redder. His blush reached all the way down his neck, to his blue jumper that read “Midtown Tech” in yellow letters. You recognized the name of one of the most prestigious high schools in New York, already impressed with your new neighbor.

“Well hello, not May Parker. I’m also not May Parker. But I seemed to forget that when I grabbed your mail this morning. Sorry about that.” You said sheepishly as you handed his mail to him. The boy rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at it and attempted to redeem himself.

“It’s not problem. She and I always forget to check the mail so you actually helped us, um, whoever you are.” He smiled weakly. His voice was cute. He had that Queens accent that the people of San Francisco lacked, for obvious reasons.

“Oh, right.” You laughed in embarrassment. “I’m Y/N L/N. I just moved here from San Francisco. I live across the hall.”

You pointed to the door behind you as if he didn’t know what “across the hall” meant. You didn’t know what was wrong with you. You were never this awkward.

His eyes lit up a bit once you told him where you lived.

“Really? I thought that smelly guy lived there.” The boy said and you stifled a laugh.

“That smelly guy was my father. He died a little while ago so I live there now.” You told him, malign the boys eyes widen. They were so brown. Like little pools of honey. Or little pools of the Hudson River. You had seen a million pairs of brown eyes before, but none like his. They were quite distracting to be honest.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I had. I had no idea-“ he began to frantically apologize but you cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it. We never got along. And you’re right, that man stank.” You chuckled. It was the first thing you said that felt like your old self. You hadn’t really talked to anyone since moving to New York, with the exception of Venom and the occasional phone call from Andy or Dani. You liked talking to this boy, though you still had no idea who he was.

“Oh thank God. I thought I screwed this up before it even went anywhere.” He immediately turned red when he heard his own words. You saw the regret in his eyes and decided to throw him a bone.

“Well it certainly can’t go anywhere until you tell me your name.” You flirted. Again, he relaxed. You felt a surge of confidence knowing he wanted this to go well.

“Parker. I’m Parker Peter. I mean, Peter Parker.” He fumbled over his words again, making you smile fondly.

“We like him. He’s cute.” Venom said telepathically. You looked down at my shoes and blushed, knowing you liked him too.

“And he looks delicious.” She added, ruining the moment.

“It’s nice to meet you Peter Parker.” You gave him your best smile. “I’m glad there’s someone my age around here. Everyone I’ve met so far is either an old bitty or a creepy uncle type.” You regretted it as soon as it left your mouth. You didn’t know what his sense of humor was like and he might not find you the slightest but funny. Andy always told you you were bad at telling jokes, and you feared he might be right.

Lucky for you, Peter burst out laughing.

“Ah. I’ve seen you’ve met Henry.” Peter pointed a finger down the hall. “Yeah, I’d stay away from him. He asked me if he could have pictures of my feet once. He said he’d “pay me handsomely” for it too.”

“Damn. So he beat me to asking you.” You pretended to be upset, which made Peter laugh again. The sound of his laugh made your heart pick up speed. You weren’t used to feeling like this. Boys rarely impressed you, Andy was just lucky you liked a man in uniform.

“Yeah. You better stay away from him.” Peter advised.

“It might be hard.” You clicked your tongue. “Our mailboxes are pretty close. I’ll make a mental note to never check my mail while wearing flip flops, though.”

Peter smiled at your joke. He had the kind of smile that you would make the person laugh just to see it again. It was brilliant.

“Well my mailbox should be directly above yours. So don’t worry, I’ll protect you.” He grinned, and you grinned back.

“My hero.” You gushed as you put your hands over your heart. The tips of his ears went pink, like he was shocked that you said that.

“I’m no hero.” He sounded almost panicked, like you touched a nerve or something.

“We’re hungry. We need to eat.” Venom interrupted abruptly, causing you to jump. Since Peter couldn’t hear her, he looked at you strangely, not knowing the cause of your sudden jolt.

“Sorry, I uh, I thought I saw a spider.” You lied.

“If there was a spider, we’d eat it. We need food. Now.” Venom demanded.

Peter looked up at his doorframe for the imaginary spider.

“Yeah, New York is full of them.” Peter said skeptically. “Not that full, though. And some spiders are nice. One might even call them friendly.”

“Right.” You laughed at his strange wording, unaware that you were both keeping a secret.

“Would…” Peter began but trailed off, seemingly mulling something over in his head. “Would you like to eat dinner with my Aunt and I? I remember when we first moved in, it took us a while to get into the swing of things and make dinner every night. If you like, you could join us. And, you know, we could get to know each other.” He offered. It all came out in one breath. You could tell he was nervous and that only drew you in more.

“I’d love to Peter.” You said, and he smiled in relief.

“Great.” He gave an awkward thumbs up. “We usually eat around six so maybe come around then? She’ll be so happy to meet you. She loves cooking and she always tries to get me to learn but I once burnt cereal and I still don’t know how.” Peter began to ramble. He cut himself off and shook his head again. “Sorry. I’m rambling.”

Then, you did something stupid. You put your hand on his arm like the dumb bitch you were. You barely knew this guy. Who the hell were you to touch him? He must’ve been thinking the same thing, since he instantly froze under your touch and stared at your hand on his arm.

“Don’t apologize. I can’t cook either. Unless you count making tater tots as cooking. Then I’m Gordon Ramsey.” You assured him, feeling him relax under your touch.

“You’re just gonna mention tater tots without warning us first? Our mouth is watering. Can we eat Peter?” Venom asked, making your eyes widen.

If it was socially acceptable to scream at your symbiote in public, you would’ve yelled “NO, WE CANNOT EAT PETER” from the top of your lungs. But since you didn’t want to scare Peter and the rest of the neighbors away, you merely smiled and made another mental note to smack the shit out of Venom later.

“I love that man. “Where is the lamb sauce?” Peter mimicked in a bad British accent. He had no right being as charming as he was.

“No no no.” You shook your head. “His best line is “I’ll get you more pumpkin and I’ll ram it right up your ass. Would you like it whole or diced?”. He’s said some pretty wild things but that one makes me cry.”

Peters laugh rang through the halls. To be the cause of that laugh was a feeling like no other. You stood there for a while, just looking at each other. His eyes grazed down your body, but not in a crude way. You berated yourself for not dressing better when going to meet the neighbors, clad in nothing but a grey hoodie and some leggings. Peter looked cute, but you had a feeling he always did. His jumper was pretty baggy and you could see a collared shirt poking out the top. He was dressed almost professionally and you found it incredibly endearing.

You wanted to know more about him. You wanted to know his secrets and his hobbies and what makes him itch. You wanted to see if he dresses this way on weekends too or what his summer clothes looked like. Your gawking was interrupted by Peters phone ringing. He broke out of his trance and answered it quickly.

“Hi, Mr. S. No I’m not busy. I mean, I’m super busy but I can totally make time for you. Yea, Happy talked to me. Okay. Okay. Where? Okay. See you in a bit.” Peter hung up and looked at you apologetically.

“That was my job. I have to run but I’ll be back in time for our dinner. I live at…you know where I live. I’ll see you then. Don’t be late.” Peter called as he ran down the hallway, towards the elevator.

“I won’t. See you later.” You called back.

You went back to your apartment and like a kid, broke out into a happy dance.

“Venom!! Did you see how cute he was?” You gushed. “And how funny he is? I have to get ready for tonight.”

Venom manifested and swirled around my arm.

“Someone has a crush.” Venom smirked. Well, as much of a smirk as she could muster with that huge mouth of hers.

“I don’t have a crush. I just think he’s cute okay?” You replied coyly. “Cute. And funny and sweet and charming and amazing. But that’s it.”

“We can feel your heart beat.” Venom reminded you. “It was going ten miles an hour. What would Andy say?”

You had been rummaging through your closet and stopped in your tracks. With Peters new inhabitance in your mind, you had forgotten all about Andy. You moved to New York to avoid his wedding and his moving on, and you might’ve succeeded.

“I don’t care what he’d say.” You decided. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“But we want him to be.” Venom insisted. “We want him back, remember?”

“I don’t know what I want.” You answered honestly. “I just want to get ready for tonight.”

“Why are you getting ready now? You have 5 hours until you have to be there and it’s right across the hall.” Venom teased.

“Only 5 hours?” You sighed. “We better get moving.”

[pigeonp0st]

Since I loved your one shot about Lena, I'm requesting another one! Reader is a single mom and is afraid to tell Lena about her child cause she thinks Lena isn't going to take it well, but in the end Lena loves her child.

Lena Luthor x Reader #2

Words: 1,590

Warnings: none?

Notes:

Thank you for requesting! If you’d like me to change the name of the kid (or the gender) feel free to say so. Also...sorry if you were expecting more of Lena. I realized at the end that there might not have been enough (Sorry for spelling mistakes too).

———

Miles, your eight year old son, has started to pretend he’s a psychologist. He’ll sit you down, with your head in his small lap (which isn’t very ethical), and ask you about your life problems.

Usually, you’ll make up funny nonsense that he’ll struggle to find the solution to...but today a very real problem has arrived, and you know you shouldn’t be trying to confide in your little boy about this, yet you decide to anyway.

He knows about you and Lena, though Lena doesn’t know about him. He saw her on TV once, was awestruck by her “smartness”, and you let slip that she’s the woman you’ve been dating.

Dating used as a loose term, because you and Lena haven’t actually become anything official. It’s...weird. Made even more so by the fact that she doesn’t know about the most important person in your life.

You tell Miles as much in today’s session. He beams down at you, happy that you’re finally starting to take his sessions seriously, and then taps his finger against his lip, thinking. “You should just tell her,” he finally concludes after a long pause.

You narrow your eyes up at him suspiciously, and wonder if you should just pretend to take his advice and move on. You don’t. “People usually don’t want to get involved with single moms.”

His eyes furrow at that, clearly upset, so you rush on. “If someone doesn’t want to be involved with you, none of me longs to be involved with them,” then, you pause, “I just want to want to be involved with Lena.”

“So this stems from past trauma?” Miles asks, and you gape at him, shocked.

“Where the f—when did you learn any of those words, honey?”

He grins at you again, clearly proud of himself, and then schools his face into an attempt of looking professional. It’s humorous. “Psy- Psych—”

“Psychology.”

“Yes, that. It says that our fears usually come for childhood trauma.”

“I’m not scared,” but even as you say that you know it’s not true. You make a mental note to watch over whatever the hell Miles is listening to, to make sure it’s age appropriate. “Even if I am, it’s definitely not from childhood trauma.”

“From relationship trauma then?”

You let out a shocked laugh, completely stumped. “Baby, your eight. If you keep saying smart things you’re going to start scaring me.”

“Let's talk about your fears,” He suggests. Clearly wanting to move on he gestures for you to sit up. Once you do, he hops up from the couch, grabs his clipboard from the coffee table, and starts scribbling down things you aren’t able to see.

“Okay,” you hesitantly agree. “I’m scared Lena will want nothing to do with me.”

“Why is that something you're scared of?”

You give him a confused look that he pays no attention to. “Obviously I like her...I also fear that you won’t.”

He nods, finally looking up from his clipboard. “And what happens if I hate her, and she hates me, so she leaves and you never speak to her again?”

You choke on absolutely nothing.

“What will you do then?” Miles asks, and you have no response for him. He doesn’t seem to want one. “You’ll deal with it, like you always have. So stop worrying until it comes. If it comes.”

You’re equal parts extremely proud of him, and extremely concerned as you think over what he’s said.

Then, as if he’s tired of being the smartest eight year old alive, he hands you the paper he was working on for half of your ‘session’. The paper is full of sharp lines that get more curvy and tangled the closer they get to what appears to be the middle.

“This,” he says, “is how you’re feeling.”

And you believe him.

———

It takes you a week to build up the courage to tell Lena about Miles. He surprisingly helped you come to the realization that holding off on telling Lena the truth won’t change the outcome.

In fact...it would probably make things more complicated. Even now, she deserved to know sooner than this.

It’s too late, of course. There’s no point in wishing you had done differently.

“Are you okay?” Lena asks through the phone, sounding so beautifully concerned over the fact that you haven’t spoken for awhile. God, you're whipped for this world-saving genius.

“Yeah,” you say, “just...you know how I said I had something to talk to you about?” You don’t wait for her to confirm, because of course she remembers, she’s looked scared because of it all day. “I sort of have to show you...so would you mind coming over?”

Yes, you’re a coward that’s hoping Lena seeing Miles for herself, instead of you telling her about him, will make her more accepting. Miles has a very convincing charm.

“You want me to go to your place?” Lena sputters, clearly shocked.

In an instant you regret the decision you were so sure about before. Maybe Lena isn’t ready. You should tell her before she comes, so she isn’t shocked out of her mind when she sees him.

You should—

“Okay,” Lena says, determined. You hadn’t even responded to her before. “I’ll be there soon.” And then she hangs up the phone before you manage to say anything, leaving you wondering what the fuck you’re doing.

You could call her back.

...you’re not going to. You’re too scared.

——

Miles waits by the door, dressed in his best suit. He knows how anxious you are about this, despite how hard you’ve been trying to hide it since your weird ‘session’, so he says he’s going to try and be the best him he can be.

You tell him that all he needs to be is his normal self and everything will be alright, but he admits to being nervous to meet Lena too, because she’s super smart. (He’s been watching anything he can find of her on the internet)

Thus, the two of you wait together impatiently, trying not to descend into madness.

——

At some point Miles starts making and handing you scribbles of how you feel, and you start making and handing them back.

It’s while you’re handing Miles your next piece that the doorbell rings.

He doesn’t look to be that nervous anymore, just excited, so he follows you on your track to answer the door, and with each step you contemplate your entire existence beyond Miles.

Then…Then you open the door.

Miles is hiding behind your leg, looking up at Lena with hesitant hopefulness and uncertainty, it’s the exact match of the way you’re looking at her, and Lena is looking at him with wide eyes.

Because you’re sure you’re about to die from the silence, you croak out a wobbly and quiet; “hi,” at the same time Mile’s sticks out his hands and says his own charming greeting.

“Hello, doctor Y/L/N here. Nice to meet you.”

“Lena Luthor.” As if on autopilot Lena shakes his hand. “You’re a doctor?” She asks, smiling the smallest of smiles at him.

He nods his head eagerly, glad she’s smiling. “Yeah! Of—of psy- psych...”

“Psychology,” You finish. Lena’s gaze switches to you. It’s the moment you think you’re gonna die, but her gaze is concerned instead of disappointed.

“He’s older than the photo on your wallpaper suggested,” Lena says.

Oh.

Oh…

You’re an idiot.

Then, Lena smiles—wider this time because of your dumbstruck expression—and looks at Miles. “To be a doctor you have to be pretty smart.”

He nods, his eyes practically full of stars.

“That’s how I know you and I are going to get along great.”

Miles grins madly, pushes you a bit to the side so Lena can come in, and says, eager, “can I show you my work, please?”

And Lena looks from you, to him, laughs a laugh full of amusement and endearment, and agrees gracefully. “I’d love it if you would.”

———

Lena adores Miles.

Around him she almost seems, impossibly, like a child herself. She so obviously and beautifully wants him to like her, and all the while Miles is almost exactly the same around her.

They’re both complete dorks trying to subtly get each other's attention and all you want to do is watch the two of them interact for ages.

They both were two separate parts of your life, and now they’re merged better than you ever expected them to.

It’s great. Absolutely great. But whenever they turn their twin gazes on you you’re sure you’re going to melt into a puddle of adoration.

Wow.

“What is it?” You ask them, after they’ve both looked at you for too long without saying anything.

Lena tilts her head, her smile concerned again, “you look like you’re about to cry.”

Miles nods his agreement. “What’s wrong mom? Does whatever bothering you stem from childhood trauma?” He asks, and at Lena’s ‘the fuck’ face you burst out into a fit of laughter, that quickly turns into tears of absolute love.

Both Miles and Lena looked at you with alarm because they don’t realize this is the happiest you’ve been in a while. It is though. It is.

“Not childhood trauma,” you assure them both, and before Miles can suggest it you add; “not past relationship trauma either, it’s happy tears.”

“Oh,” Lena stutters, “good.”

“Oh,” Miles repeats, sounding relieved and a tad bit disappointed. “I haven’t learned how to deal with those tears yet.”

[notnctu]

when the snow falls | j.jh

jung jaehyun x reader genre - angst first, fluff later details - childhood best friends!au, ghost!au, platonic relationship, genderneutral!reader, ft. boyfriend johnny warnings - grieving/mourning, mentions of death, lots of crying, explicit language (swearing) word count - 8.3k inspiration - A Christmas Carol synopsis - Jaehyun visits you every holiday season since his death to bring you out of your self isolation and hatred for the one season you both once loved.

a/n - this is for my first collab ever: a taste of winter collab hosted by @dearyongs​​​ & @pastelsicheng​​​ ! again, thank you for letting me participate and i hope this fic brings more warmth for everyone during the winter!! happy holidays everyone & i hope you can check out the rest of the fics in the collab as i will be, they’re written by such amazing writers! :)))

An iridescent frost covers the tall windows of the apartment and a bright white sky greets you this morning. The fallen sheets expose your bare shoulders to the bitter crisp cold air and goosebumps rise to remind you to wear a fucking sweater for once. However, the cold isn’t what bothers you this horrid day as you’re leaping out of bed to glance out at the world. It’s the first thing that you lay eyes on: it covers the streets, it’s falling from the blanket of grey sky, it’s others’ joy when it’s your trauma. What Mother Nature has brought upon this winter season, as she always does this time of the year, is snow. 

The first sign of snowfall marks the first day of your self isolation period until the holidays pass. It marks the anniversary of your best friend’s death and an agonizingly long winter, but in spite of that, it also means the appearance of a rather special guest. A guest that is only visible to you and though resembles much of your passed friend, does not share the same memories as you do. 

“The snow is just so comforting, isn’t it?” Though you live alone, a sudden voice erupts from behind you and has you turning rather quickly to face the truth of this season. Your greatest treasure, yet haunting demise. “Hello, y/n. How has your year been?” Jaehyun stands with a lean at your door frame, his arms crossed at his chest and hair full of fluff. 

“Hello, Jaehyun’s spirit. I happen to hate the snow, if you have forgotten.” Your hip presses against the cold glass and you’re no longer afraid of being half naked in front of what this form of imagination possesses itself to be. 

“Remind me why again.” Jaehyun casually sits on your unmade bed, looking as about your age now. There is a brief silence as you examine how he’s grown with you, you’d imagine this is how he’d look if he was still alive and well.

It would be his third year in college, same as you, possibly studying engineering due to his past fascination with the mechanics of roller coasters. With such a strong jawline and a definite lean built, girls would be running all over him. Not to mention, his dimples remain one of his charms.

Kicking off the icy window, you walk carefully and slowly up to Jaehyun. A hand reaches to caress his cheek, but it goes right through him and leaves your hand to hang in mid-air. This happens every time you see him again, wondering if you can get one last touch of his dewy complexion, and you simply can’t. Despite his ability to touch you, there is no possibility for your senses to travel through to the other side of the supernatural dimension. 

Jaehyun gently rests your hand back to your side and repeats his request, “remind me again why you hate the snow.”

“It’s how you died.” A small croak gets caught in the back of your throat and tears well up to blur your vision. “So when the snow falls, it brings me back to the dreadful memory of me losing you, of you leaving me.” 

“I died from snow? That is so lame.” Jaehyun grumbles and rolls his eyes. 

You chuckle, but the tears roll down your cheeks as if they know no happiness. “You died from a car accident in the snow. Your tires slid, you couldn’t brake … and so, you crashed. Full trauma to the head, an instant death.” 

“Where was I going?” He wasn’t this curious last winter, and so you’re unaware if it’s your mind playing sick tricks on you or if his unrest spirit is this forgetful. You wish it was the latter. 

Choking on your tears, the droplets hit the hardwood floors below you. An overwhelming feeling of melancholy overtakes your chest and you’re suffocating underneath an unknown pressure. Your throat is drier than your mother’s gingerbread cookies, but you swallow the frigid air around you. 

You’re so choked up by your sobbing that it’s too difficult to speak. Any words you say feel like thin ice, ready to crack at the lightest touch. “O-On the way to … my house. You were coming over to tell me a secret.”

“And I never got to tell you.” 

“No, Jaehyun. I’ll never know what you wanted to tell me that day.” 

when the snow falls. 

There has never been a time before Jaehyun and all that you knew, all the memories that fill your brain, every growing pain you could possibly share, was with him and all until it wasn’t. Had there been a time after Jaehyun, you would not have expected it to come as soon as it did.

For the months following his death, you were in denial of his missing presence because every. single. thing. reminded you of him. Jaehyun remained in his assigned seat in school, although it was clearly empty. He lived through others’ mourning stories, where they spoke of fond memories that they shared and things he liked. The worst of them all, you still texted him every day in hopes to see the tiny three dots pop up that he was typing. And the warped reality in your head, the first stage of grief flooding every possible corner, was that he has always just been slow at replying back.

Then, his funeral rolled around and his parents asked you to share one happy memory of him. There were so many, how could you possibly have chosen just one? And so you didn’t. The moment the frame of the church entered your view, your legs stuck to the ground and refused to enter. There was going to be a point when you entered the building filled with crying people and a gripping, horrid smell of death and you wouldn’t be able to forget it. That scary thought, not only frightened you, but angered you. 

The large attendance of people walked past you as teary eyes blinked up at the dark wooden frame of the door, but every one of them had never visited him for more than once when he was alive. His older cousins that had forgotten about him when they flew away for college, his acquaintances from piano lessons who never bothered to remember his full name, his old friends from primary school that he had lost connection with after graduation, they were all here.

And you can’t help, but fester a fueling frustration in the pit of your stomach and as it grew into your chest in the matter of seconds, you wondered the single thought that picked up your feet to run home: where were they when he was alive? 

After a year and the appearance of Jaehyun’s ghost became less of a shock during winter, you were stuck in an odd and uneasy place of what if’s. Talking to him once a year was never enough, texting his old number was never enough. It was just never enough.

Missing him grew into a dark sense of yearning, longing, bargaining. Long nights of twisting and tossing in your bed, many thoughts and endless possibilities ran through your unhealthy thoughts. The description and police report of his accident played like a reel in darkest contemplations. 

The first year of college had to be the hardest to go through without him and thus, aiding in your regrets of not cherishing him enough when he was around. A rabbit hole of universe paths drove you wild, wishing and hoping that you could turn back time and stop him from coming over in the middle of a blizzard. And the one lasting thought still haunts you to your present: if only you hadn’t encouraged him that night, he wouldn’t have died. 

The saddest part has barely been acknowledged, even by yourself. That this one tragedy tainted the one holiday you two loved the most --- Christmas. Every year since his passing, you locked yourself in your room for two weeks before the holiday and waited through it all. Truthfully, there was nothing in the universe that was going to allow you to enjoy the holiday when it wasn’t with him. Even his ghost, who very randomly popped up on a December day and cluelessly never brings much comfort as the live him did during this season.

Jolly holiday music lost their joyous sound and became awfully low tempo. The bright red and green signature colors of Christmas became dull and rather grey; the long strings of colorful lights that hang from houses and around large trees were absolutely drained of their color. The warmth of the fireplace went cold. The cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies no longer entertained and lost their spark.

The Christmas themed decorations that covered the windows of shops, the city, your own house, became an overwhelming sore sight to look at. The love from your loved ones… you couldn’t feel anything remotely close to love anymore, just meaningless affection. The one gift that the Earth blessed your region with, snow, became the one petrifying thing that it had to offer. And your favoritism for the holiday, the so-called ‘Christmas Spirit’, slowly died out, along with Jaehyun. 

Now that it’s been three years since his passing, you’re here spending your third lonely holiday season inside your apartment discussing your yearly recap with your ghostly best friend. 

“That ridiculous final exam lowered my grade and I walked out of that class retaining none of the information. When will I ever need to know about pirates in the 1800’s?” The chocolate wrapper crinkles in your fist as you finish your overly passionate recollection of the most useless class you could have taken this whole year.

Jaehyun sits by your side, facing you as he hugs his knees close to his chest. A small grin dots the dimple on his left cheek when you peer over at the huddled boy and the sad reminiscent glisten in your eye does not go unnoticed. “You used to love pirates. Dressed up like one for Halloween and went up to every house yelling,” Jaehyun clears his throat and perks up, ready to perform.

A balled fist in the air, paired with a look of utter gusto and passion, Jaehyun speaks in an attempt to horribly reenact your once embarrassing pirate impression. “Argh! You scoundrel, give me all the treasures in your possession… preferably chocolate sweets.” He holds his stomach as he bursts into a fit of his baritone laughter. His wide mouth grows into such a big, open smile that his eyelashes dance on his glowing cheeks. 

“For a ghost, you sure look like someone who’s very much alive.” Naturally, you’d swat lightly at his knee or arm whenever he would joke around. However, the pain of your hand passing right through him breaks this habit and you’re left scoffing at the way Jaehyun is consumed with laughter.

“You know, for someone who is alive… you sure look a bit … lifeless. When was the last time you were happy, y/n?” Jaehyun finally settles down and gently nudges at your elbow. 

His question hits you like a wall of bricks. Unexpected and completely straightforward, but that’s just always been the way he is. “This past weekend when I turned in my last assignment for the semester.” 

“No. The last time you were genuinely happy, not relieved. You mentioned a boyfriend, right?” 

Rolling your eyes, you grow a bit silent and annoyed at his comment. “Listen, hopeless romantic. Not every relationship is perfect sunrays and gushy unconditional love.” Perhaps, your gaze drops down to your hands and the wrinkled wrapper between your fingers has worn out from your fidgeting. 

Johnny Suh. If you could move mountains for this man, you would. It all started due to an accidental happenstance of you abruptly walking into your campus’ coffee shop to seek shelter from the rain and him, the attractive barista behind the counter, chasing after you in a stained apron and an immensely strong aroma of coffee beans. Jaehyun practically swooned over hearing how you two met, hearts in his pupils and a dreamy grin resting fondly as he attentively listened. 

Jaehyun has always wanted a relationship, though he did have many admirers in high school, he never had the opportunity to experience one true love and to play out every sappy romantic thing rom-coms taught him. Hearing about your love life is the closest thing he can get to it, unfortunate for him, but fortunate that his best friend still has some romance in them.

Nevertheless, it’s only been a few months together. Though Johnny has seen intimate parts of you, he’s never experienced a winter with you and frankly, he won’t ever experience one with you if you keep this up. 

“Johnny doesn’t make you happy, then why are you with him?” Jaehyun knows Johnny makes you feel something that is hard for you to put into words. He also knows the type of person you are, pushing your buttons to get you to defend something you love. Boldly. Loudly. Strongly. He knows how to get you to spit out words of truth, even when they’re difficult.

“My partner is the literal definition of happiness, okay?” The defensiveness drives your assertiveness further. “The last time I was happy was when…” your eyes are frantically examining the floor for any source of focus as a highlight reel of this whole year flashes through your mind.

“... On my birthday, he planned me a picnic. Bought me roses, the whole grand scheme of romance. I started to cry, out of happiness… it was the first time in a while that the reason behind my tears was something good.” There’s somewhat of an epiphany when you finish your sentence. Your voice gets lost in your train of thought as the blissful scene plays out. 

“Why were you crying?” Jaehyun snatches the distracting wrapper from your fingers, it being unrecognizable from the wear and tear. It causes you to meet Jaehyun’s round eyes: empty, but not sad. They’re lost, yet filled with purpose.

Jaehyun has always been able to open up the darkest parts of your heart. “Because it reminded me of the time when you and I walked up that steep hill over on Fifth Street… and we forgot the picnic blanket. But it didn’t matter because after the strenuous journey, all we wanted was to sit down and enjoy some fucking sandwiches, along with some hot chocolate your mom packed us.” 

“y/n, you cried over the memory of sandwiches and exercise? That’s so---”

“Before you insult me by calling me lame,” you bring your finger to stop him mid-way and narrow your eyes, “I was so happy to be able to share our same experience with someone else. Even though you’re gone, I can still have these happy moments with other people.” 

Then, Jaehyun gathers both of your hands to hold and brings them to his soft lips. Everything about him feels cold, like a harsh chill that bites at your skin. In spite of it all, his delicate kiss on your knuckles somehow feel warm and slightly comforting. Jaehyun peers up with kind eyes, “you’re almost there. I will do everything I can to get you there.” 

Blinking at him with confusion, your expression asks the questions for you. When he sets your hands in his lap, a soft pat on the back of your hand reassures you. “Can we bake Christmas cookies?” 

Rolling your eyes, you tear your hands away from him. He leaves you with unspoken words and an oddly comforting feeling, but it’s not enough to dissipate your deeply rooted dislike for this particular holiday. “You ask this every year.” Getting up, you walk towards your bedroom to get away from feeling too vulnerable.

Jaehyun watches your back intently as you’re stumbling over your feet. He whispers to himself, “and I think this year is going to be the last year I’ll ask for it.” And a hopeful smile appears joyously as he anticipates the storm before reaching still waters. 

The sound of the doorbell awakens you and Jaehyun is nowhere to be seen. He comes and goes as he wishes, however, he’d usually accompany you during the mornings. You’re particularly sluggish, finding it difficult to adjust to the blinding white sky outside as snow continues to drift upon the city. 

“Good morning, gumdrop.” Your boyfriend is rather chirpy today. Johnny engulfs your fragile body in his long arms and you’re lost in his scent of peppermint bark. 

“This was unexpected.” His shirt muffles your tiny voice and Johnny is setting down bags of groceries on your kitchen countertop. 

“I texted you last night that I was coming over to do some grocery shopping for you. Did you sleep early?” Your very helpful boyfriend starts unloading all the parcels of fresh produce and your favorite snacks. However, there is a slight tinge of annoyance and possibly it’s due to the fact you weren’t expecting to see anyone during your isolation. Johnny couldn’t have known though.

A deep sigh escapes your lips and you walk over to stop his movements. A hand holds his arm and the other intertwines with his own, but you stand under him with the sweetest smile you could wear during the holiday season. “How is it that your mom invited me to your family holiday party, but tells me that you’re not going to be there?” 

Your smile automatically falls from your lips and a hand retracts from his warmth. It’s the sudden truth that you must face, the confession of your sadness that you’ll eventually need to tell your partner. Wondering how he’s going to take the news, your mom probably gave him a brief breakdown about how you’ve been this way for the past few years now. 

Nonetheless, Johnny has always been bold with his statements and though you’ve adjusted to his abruptness, this one is hard to give a quick answer back to. So as you’re racking how to present your dark narrative, Johnny sets you down on the couch with the utmost gentleness. You don’t even feel the cushion underneath you when the million different answers streamline their way into your brain.

Johnny notices your frantic eyes and unfocused gaze, growing a bit concerned at how cold your skin feels at his touch. Taking off his sweatshirt, he carefully slips it over your shaking figure. When the softness of the polyester cotton blend brushes upon your bare arms, you’re snapped back facing a worried expression.

And you say the one thing on your mind, the only thing you can think of in your scattered brain. “Jaehyun died during this time of year, so it just makes me very emotionally unstable to… participate in any festive events. I’d rather be alone, the whole holiday season.” 

Johnny nods, but his face remains with his eyebrows together and lips pressed into a tight line. He’s well aware of who Jaehyun was and means to you. Though you don’t talk much about him, your eyes light up with a bright twinkle whenever you do. It’s like the world spins ‘round and everything feels restored. Johnny knows enough about your good friend to deduct how hard it must be for you during the winters. 

“Can I help you in any way?” Johnny peers over at you with a small smile, and you wish there is something in your decaying heart to keep it up forever. 

“I hate to say it, but please just leave me alone for the winter.” Flopping on his lap, you’re burying your face in your hands to cower away from seeing your sunshine hurt. There are no more sugar coated kind words for you to pick and choose from.

While Johnny can understand how difficult it must be for you, he still holds onto a sliver of hope that you’ll come around. “Come on, don’t be such a Grinch. No one should be alone for Christmas.” 

Groaning, you sit up and roll your eyes at the familiar references. “Listen, Cindy Lou Who. Don’t call me that.”

“It’s still a cute nickname, you don’t think?” Johnny snickers lightly, but your expression turns rather grim and serious. A faint overcast of melancholy washes over your expression as you’re staring off into your memories again.

In a faint voice, your voice is barely above a whisper, “that used to be one of Jaehyun’s favorite movies.” Your arms drop from your puffed up chest, but Johnny catches your hand and kisses your fingertips.

“What was yours?” Johnny keeps the atmosphere as light and playful while he still can. 

“The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Ironically fitting and that’s one of the sole reasons you don’t watch holiday movies anymore. There have been too many parallels with your life and the wrenched holiday. As twisted as the joke may seem, you’ve lived your own nightmare before Christmas, except you never got the happy ending to it all. It’s like a nightmare that continues and you can’t escape it. 

Having said, Johnny pulls you up to stand and draws you into the biggest hug. “I can’t leave you alone, even if I tried my very best. I still get butterflies every time you smile at me, so you think I wouldn’t be addicted to that feeling?” 

“Johnny…” This man is in love with you until the ends of this Earth, until the horizon stretches so far that it’s unimaginable to see where it stops. 

“I’ll respect your wishes as much as I can, but know that it’s not the best form of healing.” The final word causes a chill to run down your spine. It implies that you’re still hurting, although he’s not wrong, it’s rather disheartening to hear someone else speak it aloud. “I’ll come around less.” 

“If I’m grumpy, then you’ll know why. And don’t try to shove the whole Christmas spirit act on me, I don’t want to hear a single thing about it! I can’t spend a Christmas without Jaehyun.” Johnny squeezes your shoulders at your bold declaration.

“You can’t or you won’t?” A painful tick at your heart leaves you speechless at his question. 

For as long as you could remember, every Christmas was spent with Jaehyun. Picking out a tree for both of your families and getting lost together between the evergreens brought laughter and excitement. Baking cookies and drawing the ugliest faces in tacky colorful frosting always happened a few days before the holiday. Drinking hot chocolate by his family’s fireplace and watching Christmas movies were one of your favorite activities. Christmas Eve was always so special, where you and Jaehyun made it tradition to open your gifts from each other right when the clock struck midnight. 

Then everything simply stopped. And when you tried to participate in those same activities, selfishness and guilt preoccupied your heart. What do any of those things mean without Jaehyun? Jaehyun was the reason you loved Christmas as much as you did. Then, his death became the reason you hated it as much as you do.

“I think that’s enough for today.” Johnny knows he’s hit a nerve, he can see it in your glossy eyes and subtle drop in the corners of your mouth. There is no protest from the taller man when he accepts his sweatshirt without a complaint. The bitter cold air bites at your bare shoulders again and you’re practically existing in its lack of warmth. Gathering the rest of his belongings, you two bid a kiss goodbye and shut the door.

It’s almost a relief that he’s gone and the tear runs down your cheek when your back hits the door. Suddenly, Jaehyun appears across the living room leaning on the door frame to your bedroom. “He seems like a nice guy.” 

“He is.” There is a hang at the end of your sentence and Jaehyun walks toward you. A few sniffs fill the empty apartment, but you’re rubbing away any sign of sadness from your face.

“But?” 

“But, he’s so optimistic about… everything. He lives by the sun and every waking day, he just lives it to the fullest. There’s nothing in the world for this man to possibly understand how sad I feel.” It’s the heaviness in your voice that has your heart sinking to the pit of your stomach. 

Jaehyun’s freezing hands graze your chin and as he lets go, his stare doesn’t leave yours. “Learn from him.” Your best friend’s ghastly voice reminds you that he’s not real. He’s a ghost. He’s very much gone and not for a split second, should you be wanting to cave into his embrace or else, you’ll hit the floor hard. Nevertheless, you’re entirely vulnerable and the next few words that leave Jaehyun’s mouth causes your throat to close up.

“Keep him close. y/n, he is the sun.” It’s a moment you thought you’d never witness, your best friend complimenting your significant partner. Moreover, it hurts to think about how great of friends Jaehyun and Johnny could have been. “To be very honest, you need some heat this winter.”

“Then, what were you?” It’s the curiosity that nips at your tongue as it leaves no space for a pause. The thumping of your heart being so loud in the dead silence, but you know Jaehyun doesn’t have a heart to beat recklessly as yours. 

Jaehyun smirks and chuckles fondly, despite how desperate and serious you may have sounded. “I was a pain in the ass.”

Scoffing, you break the immensely intense eye contact. “You still are. This whole haunting thing is very creepy.” Gesturing his entire being in front of you, he just looks so alive and breathing. Before Jaehyun, you always thought ghosts were floating entities with a white transparency. But your best friend stands before you, well aged and all together. 

It still tosses you into shambles as to why Jaehyun exists, but you’ve given up on figuring out his purpose. He could be a form of your own imagination for all you care, perhaps you’ve grown so sad that you started to seek things. 

Companionship from the one person you wish was still alive?

Like before, you’ve always spent Christmas with Jaehyun… alive or in ghost form.

It’s another one of those long days that seem to never end. The bright white sky seems unchanging, stark with a dusty and imminent endless overcast of snow. It’s blinding and you’re regretting the moment you overlooked the curtain blinds at the department store.  

Your phone has already been lost somewhere underneath your bed and there isn’t a single desire to reach for it. Missed calls pile up, voicemails clutter your inbox, texts flood your messages, and your social media notifications fill your screen. Despite everyone’s effort to contact you, there is no sense of joyous cordial nature to even glance at them.

Jaehyun has been appearing more frequently and staying for longer periods of time. The conversations bring an empty comfort, most of the times you feel the need to remind yourself that you’re not actually talking to someone, are you?

“What’s that sad look in your eyes?” He startles you when you’re off looking vacantly out the window. Your mind has been completely distracted lately by meaningless thoughts and the sweetest reels of Jaehyun that have turned blue.

The more you wrap yourself in your white sheets, the less you can feel any source of warmth. And perhaps you haven’t realized that you no longer felt any heat the past few days, that you’re at a freezing point and it’s made you numb.

“Not sure what you mean.” Your voice remains dull and monotone, lifeless almost. Jaehyun takes a seat against the window and for the first time, you can see right through him.

“It’s not your fault, y/n.” Is he a mind reader too? The thought that always circles your mind when Christmas draws near is not only that Jaehyun is gone forever, but how you could have prevented it all. The guilt eats you up and no matter how hard you’re searching for acceptance, it slips away from you before you have a chance.

When you don’t answer, Jaehyun heads over to your bed and he’s alarmed at how cold your hands are. “It was never your fault.” Your best friend pulls you into a hug, but it can barely be felt. What kind of hug can’t be felt?

“I never said it was.”

“No, but you thought about it.” The chilly draft causes you to shiver and it’s hard for you to concentrate on anything else besides the night of his death.

“I should have stopped you from coming over.” Although you’ve confessed this many times to him before, it never gets easier to say. Jaehyun sighs and ultimately frowns at your tears slipping from your eyes again. Like the snow that drifts from the heavens, your tears know no end to their downfall. It’s become too natural for them to appear. The closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is to stop from crying.

“It’s hard for me to speak about it since we don’t remember much of the same moments---”

“Jaehyun! I remember that night as clear as it was just yesterday that it happened.” There’s no reason to yell, but a strong sense of pain erupts from your chest.

He’s so calm at your sudden outburst, turning his head to face you with a deadpan expression. “You weren’t there, y/n. You were home, safe and sound as you should have been. I’m more than grateful that you’re the one alive.”

“I’m not!” But when the confession leaves your lips, you’re shaking and fearful. The entire room is stiff and silent. You couldn’t even believe what you had just said, wondering if that is anything close to truth. You look up at Jaehyun, who blinks at you with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “I mean,” you clear your throat in the midst of the tense atmosphere. “I could have saved you.”

“You’re not a hero and I didn’t need saving when I was already gone.” He taps his temples lightly, “full trauma to the head. It was just my time to go.”

“The secret. I wanted to know so bad that I didn’t stop you from coming in a snowstorm!” Jaehyun pats your head in an attempt to soothe your aching heart.

“And I wanted to tell you just as bad that I didn’t care about the snowstorm. y/n, stop blaming yourself for something that happened to me. The universe is much more complex than that, give it some credit.”

“You’re even philosophical as a ghost? Give me a fucking break.” Groaning, you pull the sheets over your head to somehow run away from the conversation.

Jaehyun lies down next to you, smiling cheekily to himself and glancing over at the lump that you had become underneath the blankets. “Do you remember the time I taught you how to ride a bike?”

“I thought it was your dad who taught me.” You grumble, tossing away the sheets to glance over at him. It always puzzled you how Jaehyun never remembered the same memories as you do, and even if you did, one of you remembered it differently.

“He was probably there as supervision. I was the one who helped you take off your training wheels and strap on your impressively thick knee pads.” You’re lying on your elbows now, fists pressing into your cheeks and a fond attentive gaze upon Jaehyun’s resting figure. He’s staring up at the ceiling that protects you two above, yet can cave in at any moment.

Dimples dip into his round supple cheeks as his toothy smile comes into view, reliving the happy memory. “You rang your little bell so many times that day.”

“Because I was scared!” You protest, muttering something incoherent. “Didn’t we go downhill when I said I wasn’t ready?”

“We went downhill because you said you were ready.” His hair ruffles in your sheets when he turns to face you, and he just takes your breath away. It’s the stars in his dark eyes that sweep you off your feet, like the gleaming star on top of a tree. The color that oozes from his smile, like Christmas lights that line a rooftop, make it hard not to stare. Jaehyun looks just like Christmas, the most wonderful thing of the year. In someway, he resembled an angel or the soft sheet of snow ready to fall right through.

You’re encompassed by overwhelming effervescent emotions from listening and watching Jaehyun glow and gleam. “Then, what?”

Jaehyun’s low chuckle illuminates the room, dazzling the boring grey interior. “Little ol’ you, hurt yourself real bad that day, scrapes and wounds you thought you’d never heal from. You didn’t talk to me for a week, but you ended up learning how to ride a bike.”

“Is that right?”

Jaehyun rests on his side now, only an elbow supporting his body and he’s leaning in close to your face, you’re almost too sure you could feel a breath on your lips. “No matter how painful it gets, I’m always here to push you through it all.”

When your heart beats sporadically at his proximity, you didn’t realize that you are holding in a breath, being quite afraid that if you let it out, it would simply blow him away for the night. And you’re not ready for him to leave you again.

Christmas Eve;

It had to be a miracle that anyone got a hold of you this week when Johnny comes practically banging at your door. Though you are so close to ignoring his loud thumping, the sound of your boyfriend’s soft sniffles alarms you greatly.

“y/n, holy shit!” It’s deja vu when you’re in his arms again, a horribly warped version of it when the smell of peppermint bark tickles your nostrils disgustingly. “I thought something happened to you. You weren’t answering my calls or texts.”

“My one wish for Christmas was to be left alone and I meant it.” The attitude in your voice becomes jarringly evident and Johnny blinks back at you with a new found annoyance as well.

“Can you at least think of the other people around you?” He holds your shoulders lightly, but staring into his eyes seems to be harder to do lately. Jaehyun appears on the couch, lying flat on his stomach and a hand resting underneath his chin. This is no longer a private conversation, but you learned long ago that no one else can see him.

“Who are you talking about? My family? Because they’ve all given up on me.” This is the first time Johnny has seen you act so cold and distant, yet entirely vulnerable. You’re stripped of everything that you usually hide in --- oversized clothes, happy smiles, and a beaming warmth.

All Johnny ever wants is for you to be loved, not only by him, but by the world. And interestingly enough, he loved you for your vulnerability and your rawness. This is until he realizes, in this moment, that it stems from your trauma of losing Jaehyun.

“What about me, y/n? I’m still here.” Johnny is frantic, and by all means, hurt by your aloofness. Brushing off his hands from your body, you’re taking several steps away from him.

“And why are you still here when I kept telling you to leave me alone? Whenever I was upset, Jaehyun always gave me space! Haven’t ever thought about how that is something I need?” You’re saying nonsensical statements that are fueled by anger and annoyance.

He’s pushing your limits and for once, you’re pushing him away. But this isn’t new to you, in fact, you’ve pushed so many people away just like this and that’s why they’ve decided to just let you be.

Johnny is taken aback, “you know, I feel like I’m competing with Jaehyun and I’ve never even met him.”

You scoff and throw your arms in the air, visibly in disbelief at what your boyfriend is saying to you. May you lose your temper, you’re unsure about the future of this relationship. Yet, something in your cruel and painful heart no longer cared, snapping your wits and patience at your beloved.

“What are you saying?” You’re pacing back and forth, fuming with an inexplicable infuriation. Jaehyun catches your eye, and for a brief moment, you’re holding eye contact with him instead. “Jaehyun is dead,” facing Johnny now, you say words that jumble in your chest, regardless of their true meanings, “and even if he was alive, there would be no competition.”

“Because you were always going to choose him over everyone else in your life, is that right? Exactly like how you do now.” Johnny’s words sting like daggers at your skin, worse than the layer of frost that bites at you for the past two weeks.

“Please, don’t attack me for hurting.” With that, your voice breaks and cracks all over. Your tears hit the ground without you feeling them run down your cheeks.

Johnny is quick to wipe them away, not minding that his hands will now be wet from your salty droplets. He instantly regrets it all, the unwarranted questions, the fighting, the barging in unexpectedly. It pains him more to see you like this.

“I apologize. I’m sorry that I’m not saying the kindest words to you when you need to hear them the most.” Your partner is frowning, a true rare sight to see. “But, you’re still grieving and there is going to have to be a time that you move on.”

It’s one of those tip of the iceberg moments or when the ball finally hits the ground and a rush of cathartic enthusiasm washes over you. However, you’re not happy. You’re not even remotely close to happiness. You’re fucking sad, you’re aching with a pain so deeply rooted that it isolates you, that it rips apart anything that used to bring you joy.

And this causes you to scream your lungs out, sobs that choke you up. “I can’t! You don’t understand, no one understands! I just fucking can’t. He was my best friend and that night… he was going to tell me something.” Jaehyun can’t bear to hear your piercing wails, as he’s disappeared completely from the setting. When you’re panicked and searching for him, you only see Johnny staring back at you with a very concerned expression.

“And I will never know what he wanted to tell me.” Your tone grows soft and rather delicate, like a sad realization at the possibility that the secret died with Jaehyun that night.

“Some things are better left unknown. Do you really think you’ll feel better knowing?”

“Listen to him, y/n.” Jaehyun randomly appears next to Johnny’s stature. He stands a few inches shorter than him, but the sight of them together has you blinking in awe.

You’re darting between the two of them, “I don’t know what will make me feel better.”

“Come, tonight. Your whole family wants to see you for the one holiday that brings people together.” But when Johnny steps forward, you’re taking a step back.

“Please, just go.” With an assertive point to the door, your head does not lift up to watch your boyfriend leave. Despite every person you’ve done this to, Johnny’s hurts the most. His flame dies out tonight, providing no sense of security or heat. And with a toss of his arms of exasperation, he shuts your front door and leaves without a goodbye, without wishing you a merry Christmas.

Jaehyun calls your name, but you’re rushing to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. “Don’t you dare travel through the wall.”

Your apartment has grown so dark due to the shorten winter days. It’s pitch black all around you and the sky is no longer a deafening white. It’s the first time you notice the dark blue scattered clouds and the intricate snowflakes that drift carefully down to the streets. And, you’re all alone in the quietness. You truly are isolated every Christmas.

“y/n, let’s talk.” Jaehyun is beyond fed up with your behavior, that has to be the last straw. This is the first year since his death that he’s seen the evident spark in your eye, the hope that is hiding behind your depression. He sees it in the way Johnny looks at you, like you’re the greatest present he could receive in life. In your proclamation, as hard as it was to witness, is a spirit that wishes to be freed. There was a chance this year. There still is one.

“Jaehyun, you left me! You left all alone, and no matter how hard I try to stop thinking about you, it never works. In the end, no one is here for me like how you were.” Hands in your hair, you’re losing yourself at a rapid rate. It hurts to keep your eyes open, tears sting as they well up around the rims.

“Find a part of me in the people around you.” The door to your bedroom swings open and Jaehyun takes note of you by the window again. You want to leave, you want to be out there and he knows, before you can actually realize it yourself. You’re turning to face him and in the dark, he looks solid. He looks so real and whole.

“How do I do that?” It’s a genuine question that you’ve pondered before, but never feeling like you had the strength to do so. You’re always dwelling on your past with Jaehyun, indulging in the sacred memories only you two shared.

“What are things that you associate me with?” He is found leaning against your door frame again, hands are shoved into the pockets of his faded jeans.

You say the first thing on your mind, “snow.” When the words hit the air, your ceiling light flickers briefly. Jaehyun doesn’t flinch, however, still focused on your crying figure. Snow, the first sign of snowfall is when he appears for the winter.

“What else?” He encourages.

“Familiarity.” The light flashes again, for a mere second longer this time before it resumes darkness. Familiarity, for he grew up by your side for as long as you could remember.

There is an odd feeling that enters the room and you’re fearful of the unknown. But, Jaehyun’s cadence doesn’t falter, he’s not distracted by the random spurts of light. And if anything, it all could be his doing. “Keep going.”

“Comfort.” Flicker. “Warmth. Love. Excitement.” With each word, the light builds stronger and stronger. You’re speaking memories into existence now, “making snow angels until it got dark, laughing until our stomachs hurt, watching movies until the clock struck midnight, dancing until our legs gave out!”

Streams run down your face and you’re yelling until your throat feels raw, but you don’t wish to stop as the light glows brighter and brighter with each spoken word.

As you listen to every listed attribute and memory, you recognize a central theme in all of them and one thing that Jaehyun embodies, the one thing he’s always been associated with.

“Christmas.” A shaky breath exhales and a loud spark pierces your ears. The light illuminates intensely all around you, lighting up the darkest corners of your room and blinding you more than the sky has been lately.

“Jaehyun?” Closing your eyes, you can see the brightness through your eyelids and you’re beyond confused as to what is happening. When you mindlessly reach for his hand, you actually feel it and your heart is soaring due to strange unquestionable physics.

Jaehyun intertwines your hand in his own and caresses your face gently. For once, he doesn’t feel cold. He’s blazing hot, melting away the long days of isolation. “Open your eyes, y/n.”

What lies before you is an incredible, marvelous sight. Snow dusts the roof of your family’s house as green, red, yellow bulbs light the frame of it. Your parents really went all out; round snowmen sit perfectly together on your lawn. A decorative wreath hangs at the front door and a distinct chuckle catches your attention.

From the window that looks into your kitchen, your mother rolls a sheet of dough on the counter as clouds of flour erupt around her. Your father is preoccupied at the stove, with the silliest gimmicks for decorating the feast they’re about to hold. Silver tinsel line the dinner table with a festive table cloth draped upon it. The remarkable tree shines in the center of the living room, a glimmering star on top. 

“I know we probably won’t see y/n again this Christmas…” The sound of your mother’s voice rings a bell in your yearning heart and Jaehyun is gazing at you with a wondrous look in his eyes. The grip on his hand is tight, your breath enters the night in puffs of smoke, and regardless of this all being real or imaginary, you’re so immersed in this reality that he knows you’re anticipating what your family has to say.

“... but something about this year really makes me miss them.” Your mother puts the rolling pin off to the side and rests her hand on the kitchen counter, trying to hold back any form of her own tears from falling.

“May Jaehyun watch over them tonight, our little angel doesn’t deserve to be alone.”

Your dad walks over to embrace your mother in a long hug, kissing the top of her head gently. “Merry Christmas, y/n.” Your father speaks into the air, without the knowledge of you outside, he’s thinking of you.

Something in your heart shatters, but it’s entirely different from the pain you’ve felt over the years following Jaehyun’s death. It’s a warm, bubbly feeling that spreads across your chest and you’re covering your mouth out of pure shock at the sight of your parents.

Your parents, who you’ve neglected every holiday season, still think of you. You recognize the ingredients that scatter the table, they make your favorite dish every year in hopes you’ll come join them. 

Jaehyun whispers, “y/n, know that I’m always going to be here. I may physically be gone, but I live in your heart and the joyous memories we’ve shared together. I live through the many people who love you now, through Christmas. This spirit is also very much alive in the other people around you.”

When you peel your eyes from the scene of your parents, the vision suddenly disappears and you’re facing Jaehyun right back in your cold, empty, dark apartment. But you wish the moment lasted a little longer. For the first time in a long time, you wish to be with your loved ones. You wish to celebrate Christmas with the people who still care about you, the ones that are still alive and well.

“What if I’m not ready?”

“This signifies my final push down the hill. You’re all strapped up in your knee pads, y/n. You’re never truly going to be ready, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.” Jaehyun pats your head lovingly and mimics the motions of securing a helmet on your head.

You’re letting go of his hand, running around quickly in search for the appropriate outerwear for the snow. It’s like a switch went off in your heart and a cathartic feeling settles in the pit of your stomach.

Every Christmas since his passing, you thought it was best to be alone. You thought it was selfish to live your favorite holiday season without your best friend, that you lost the spirit of Christmas.

However, this entire time… Jaehyun’s ghost has been a reminder that the Christmas spirit has always been alive. It’s not about the enthusiastic festive events or the cheerful themed activities or the distinct colorful decorations, it’s about the appreciation and love you have for the people who have made your year so special. You’ve associated the holiday so much with your best friend, that you’ve lost sight of it in your family, your current friends, your own boyfriend.

When you’re rushing out the door, you stop in your tracks and peer back at Jaehyun leaning against your door frame, just as he appeared a few weeks ago. He has the warmest, brightest smile on his face, “y/n, I think I finally remember the secret I wanted to tell you.” You’re afraid of the answer and the outside world, but your hand doesn’t slip from the door handle. Could it really be? The long anticipated secret that has been gnawing at your conscience since his death?

Nevertheless, he’s giggling and holding his stomach slightly from the immense amount of joyous laughter. “I wanted to tell you that I... finally learned how to shave.”  

At first, you’re stunned at the simplicity of the beheld secret. All this time, you thought it had been something so meaningful, something so mind blowing, that needing to know practically destroyed your mental state. Then, a wholehearted and genuine laugh erupts from inside of you and you’re lighting up the darkest parts of yourself. Jaehyun looks at you fondly, like a beauty that he hasn’t seen in awhile. 

“That’s fucking it? You came out in the middle of a blizzard to tell me you learned how to shave? How lame.”

Jaehyun chuckles, “when did I ever need an extremely valid reason to see you?” The laughter falls short at his confession and in the midst of all this enthusiasm, you bid him the softest smile. His purpose has been fulfilled, as the best version of you he’s always known and loved stands before him at last. 

“I guess... you’re right. What’s going to happen to you now?”

“I’ll always be here for Christmas, even when you’re old and grey surrounded by the warmth of your loved ones in front of a large, extravagant Christmas tree. When the snow falls, I’ll be here.” Jaehyun’s dimple smile is the lasting image you see, the one you’ve always hoped to remember him by.  

“Merry Christmas, Jung Jaehyun… I--”

“Love you too, y/n. Merry Christmas.” He ushers you out the door with a small kiss on your knuckles.

That is the last time you ever see him again. Now, when the snow falls, it marks the anniversary of your long awaited healing, the journey to acceptance, and the beloved memory of your best friend. May you never lose the spirit of Christmas and the warmth from your loved ones.