#also getting killed by uni work
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another one of the pieces that i included in my uni portfolio :D i took random photos from my phone & tried to re-imagine them
(made in photoshop; created in january)
#portfolio 2023#comic#digital art#illustration#uni portfolio#forgot to continue this series after the comic blew up LOL#i haven't got anything new to post btw. i've been finishing my commissions in my free time#and i get sooo much homework it's insane. i also started working on my semester finals which is lowkey killing me
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as we approach the start of a new semester i'm sending all the compassion and empathy in the world to students who struggle with procrastination and what I affectionately like to call the Shame Monster that goes along with it. it sucks to always be treading water and feeling like a fraud to yourself and others, especially when it's something you truly care about. if you're always thinking "why can everyone else be responsible and organized but not me," your brain is overgeneralizing. you're not the only person to experience being overwhelmed and stuck. and even IF everyone else balanced their life perfectly, that wouldn't make you a bad person for struggling. if you care about something but keep avoiding it and don't understand why, there is probably more going than you realize. if your physical and mental health are being neglected, then you're never going to be able to accomplish what you want to do because you don't have any gas in the tank. it took me crashing and failing last semester for me to finally admit to myself that i was suffering from some SERIOUS burnout. i had this whole plan for research i was going to do over the summer and all these opportunities i wanted to take advantage of that i couldn't do because i was neglecting to take care of myself. the worst thing my anxious brain told me could ever happen did happen and i'm still alive. i hope that doesn't happen to you, but know you can recover and come back better. also: it's okay to stop wanting what you thought you wanted, or to take a different path than the one you were "supposed" to. don't do things because you think other people expect you to, or because you think it's too late to change your mind. that isn't sustainable. your college experience is for YOU, not for other people. you can do this!
#these are things that have been said before and im sure other students have figured it out earlier than me#but as i go into my senior year this is the advice i would have given myself four years ago and the stuff im still trying to remember#so maybe it will help someone else :)#*me remembering how i flamed out 3 months ago* girl its FINE YOURE FINE#this was not my hot scholar summer. but it was my ''treat your depression and stop wanting to kill yourself'' summer so i consider it a win#still have makeup work to finish. i'll get there#also i hope this doesn't sound preachy#i have a significant amount of privilege as a student#i dont go to a prestigious uni but i have a full scholarship so i get to study want i want and not worry about loans (<- american)#i have professors who have been flexible with me and supportive family#i know other students have individual economic social familial etc. pressures that complicate what i said above#im finally trying to work with my brain as it is and get out of the AWFUL procrastinate->overcompensate cycle that i've been in for 3 yrs#i dont have adhd afaik but i find posts about executive function struggles EXTREMELY relatable in a way that is probably connected#to my anxious depressive brain#you can ignore my essay this is basically a therapeutic exercise lmao
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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very lalalala day... I must savor it before I go to the trenches tomorrow
#got to sub for my old theater teacher and the kids were like YO!!!! AGAIN!!! HE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS 😭😭😭🌋🌋🌋🌋#bc ive subbed for them in choir the past four days 😆#it's fun to build that rapport w the kids! :] and then yesterday the choir teacher had asked if I could have them#figure out their riser formation for one of the more difficult songs they're doing and well.#peace and love on the planet earth those kids were STRUGGLING 😭 but i gave them no structure or help so. what could they do#(although that is a bit out of my wheelhouse as a sub 😳)#anyways it bothered me that the choir teacher was going to come back from being sick + have a whole lotta nothing SO. i spent my whole day#thinking about the dynamics of that group and which parts of the song challenged which voice parts + how confidently each section sang#etc etc. and i made a little diagram for her so she could at least have one thing to throw at the wall today 🥲#so! i went to check on her in between classes bc she's fighting bronchitis and i was worried about her. well! come to find out my#diagram was really helpful and the girls liked how it felt in those spots + are going to stick with it for concert! huzzah 😁🍻#i also got to interrogate the choir teacher on what uni's she recommends and ‼️‼️ holy shit mama has the scoop!!! we spent 20 minutes#talking about it at least 😇 anyways. fighting the urge to go to the private uni she and the other choir teachers in my lineage went to....#have i performed at that school many times and love the environment of their program? yes. but you have to fight a WAR for their scholarship#and they basically never give full-rides for music 🥲 then there's another private uni w an excellent musical theater program that would#give me a lot of experience in that vein BUT money is so hard already so 🥴🥴🥴#there's another school where you can get a bme and fast-track into their graduate conducting program which ‼️‼️#but ALSO. there's another school with an opera program 👀👀 which i would kill to study#i need to make an excel sheet respectfully. so much to consider 🙈🙈🙈#mostly i just want to be. as well-rounded as possible before i get in the classroom so i can have this same conversation w my own students#school stuff aside!! i just got out of our pre-season for the con i work at and RAHH ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#our team is so. 🌅🌅🌅❣️💖 i love everyone so much we are a little machine and i missed everyone a lot :] very excited for the changes we're#making this year!!#sriracha.txt
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society if hoo had them at uni age and the lost trio went to chb and chiron is like "how tf are ANY of u alive and unclaimed". wilderness was just community college.
#on a serious note this changes a lot actually. annabeth and percy would not be in chb anymore so when percy goes missing#its like. a genuine possibility and fear because demigods don't make it that old. there is also some added time between tlo and tlh as well#further adding to jasons isolation as being even WEIRDER than everyone else. he also would've been praetor for longer so maybe the romans#wouldve cared more. this also does away with the plot hole of ppl not giving a shit that jason piper and leo (and dylan) straight up#dipped. introducing piper especially to a summer camp makes chb less appealing because they're too old for that and thus makes their#departure from chb make more sense in toa. yet also it opens up the possibility of new rome uni.... which i cannot see any reason as to why#leo would not go there!!!!! outside of being banned cuz he bombed new rome lol. but pipers sexuality arc works for college too!!! ur never#too old to find urself. but also this is the question of if you are able to relatively function in society (this is more for piper leo fran#and i guess percy) then why would you even fight this prophecy??? anyway lol them being college aged is perfect cuz percy is literally#going to a new place and having a new transition with new ppl... like u do in college LOL. now the question is would hazel still be 13. nic#is a lot older at this point and perhaps has the same age gap as bianca and him did 🤔 cant remember. but also don't know why hazel was 13#in the first place lol. idk. in my college hoo she is just a senior in hs about to graduate from spqr and thinking about staying there or#possibly going to newru after seeing frank make the decision the previous year! SAD!#anyway in hoo. percy and annabeth are sophomores. frank and the lost trio are freshman.#but then in toa. percy annie frank and the lost trio are all graduating cuz percy got held back and Annabeth failed after tartarus fr.#but then also know that piper never went to newru and is adamant about going to mortal uni. and leo kills in newru but is bored. nvm i#forgot he died 🧍♂️ ummmmmm ok. ignore leo. and jason actually. so um. ok that really threw me off but are u getting it. that's when apollo#is like 'heeyyyyy i need help pwease 🥺' and they're all like 'dude.'#OK!#but also i ackowedge that this is a children's book and i am not its demographic so god be with you.
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couldn’t work up the discipline to get to the library and start working on my extremely overdue paper that I promised I’d hand in next week
finally get my ass to the desk
laptop fully bluescreens and can’t be turned on again
run into a full blown AfD demonstration on my way to a public computer, complete with marching drums, a fully automatic sound system protesting *checks notes* gender-inclusive language, queer people, the tax for public media and the war in Ukraine, all served with the most smug faces you’ve EVER seen
oh yeah and yesterday when I finally sat down to work for an hour before bed, half the city lost power 🙃🙃
really running out of reasons not to walk to the middle of a public square and start screaming tbh
#I finally regained some motivation what higher power hates me this much#like are these excuses? in a way probably but also WHY AM I CURSED#I can’t even work today without the goddamn computer let alone be productive for uni#luckily my boss is chill about it but Jesus Christ WHYYY#repair seems possible and they managed to save all my files so all is not lost!!#and honestly the guy at the store was very nice and helpful so far#I’m just. I’m so done#the AfD bastards honestly killed my mood worse than the laptop thing#their fucking GLEEFUL looks at the counter protest 🤮 swear to god those geezers get off on that shit
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*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH
#i'm exhausted#i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life#and i'm so scared of making wrong choices like i'm terrified#and the company seems kind of conservative in its structures and culture i mean apparently there are low hierarchies but#they make their whole deal about 'family' and then there are almost only men working there which is like ughhh like the ratio is ridiculous#and the thing is i found another job offer at my local library and i would just so love to work there!!!! i will definitely apply this week#i'm just scared that i'll do well enough during the interview that they will actually want ti hire me and then i can't say no#bc i didn't even expect them to reach out to me in the first place so i guess my application was better than i thought#so now im'm debating whether i should take the chance or sabotage the interview so that i get to try really hard for#the application for the library job instead#i sound ridiculous being upset that an employer is showing interest in me like what a privilege to be able to turn that down#at the same time. like thankfully there is financial support from the government so i'm safe in that regard atm but it's really not much#and i also don't want to be in this state of unemployment for too long#and yet...i want to just spend my days doing something worthwhile? maybe i should just be grateful that i have the privilege to choose betw#different jobs and try to take advantage of that fact and opt for the offers that speak to me rather than cry about it#god i'm so stressed this is my first time in life where i can't rest assured that the upcoming years will follow the same routine#like how it was when i entered uni like i just knew 'alright i'll be studying for at least 5 years and then we'll see' and now#it's like i don't know what i'll be doing next month or in half a year or next year or in five years#the uncertainty. killing me. that's how i know i grew up way too protected cause i break under the slightest inconvenience god#alright crying rant over from now on i'll be growing up for real 👍#personal
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okay google how do i move out of eastern europe but stay in the eu but go somewhere i speak the language but somewhere that has healthcare and somewhere where i dont need to become a construction worker and also somewhere that is not germany. thanks
#i wanna go to aotearoa I've always wanted to but it's so FAR AWAY. also i need somewhere cold also i#love authentic gothic buildings too much to leave europe. but omfggggg#like it's truly so. i dont want to move somewhere where english isnt a main language but the#uk is out and ireland is unlikely and canada is just somewhat nicer french usa and nz is 4 days travel away. blows up#whatever i have 4 semesters of uni left to think about it. it just feels like im#hurtling full speed at the inevitability of living the rest of my life in Germany#i dont want to live in germany idek why but im sooo. like omg nooo 😭😭😭#partly because it's such a cliché but also coz it's such a vacation country for me like we#went there for vacation like. unironically at least 3 times every single year#insert joke abt *getting back at the 10000000000 german tourists that come to hungary every day* that I'm too sleepy to make#it's so . like i used to have a specific goal in mind (uk ☹️) but then SOMEONE had to go and leave the eu#and also the uk sucks fat shit like csöbörből vödörbe omg. but now i have no#real goal so im just drifting w the vague knowledge that any second now I'll have to pack all my#shit up and escape before it's too late. but where 😀😀😀#i have no qualms abt leaving my f*mily behind but I'll miss budapest#and if i left Europe I'd miss it too especially coz even canada feels really far let alone nz which yknow. 3-4 days of travel#it's the lack of goals that's killing me like OMFGG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK HARD AND#STRIVE FOR SMTG WHEN I HAVE NOTHING SPECIFIC IN MIND...#i mean ''get the fuck out'' is something but it's not Enough. i need to be insane about a#place that's accessible. all the cities/locations im crazy about are inaccessible for one reason or another#bristol and wales are in the uk. nz is on the exact opposite side of the planet. life so sad.#canada is the most likely one honestly but like omgggg. godddddjfdnffnfjfmmf#they should invent a budapest that's not in hungary. they should invent a hungary that isn't comically awful#barking#ok to rb#eastern europe#like im fluent in 3 languages and i can get by in like 10 other ones i Could brush up on any language relatively quickly if it came to that#but it's like. 1. I'd have to pick a location 2. learning a new language also means#getting an entire new personality as well which yknow. idk if i have the capacity for another one rn#i should just become fluent in the ones im somewhat good at but idk which to pick
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RID HELLO MY LOVE 🫶🫶🫶
im so sorry for disappearing again ☹️ my dad had a health scare and if you know me, you know that i drop everything for that man no matter what ‼️ ive been so MIA from tumblr, i feel so so bad!!
but on a lighter note, i do think im back for a bit now 🙏 i vaguely scrolled through your blog to catch up and o my gee i have a lot of reading to do (i cant wait to reenter my cmi world 🥺🥺)
i do want to say tho... i am truly sorry for continuously disappearing. ☹️ the lack of support from my end, combined with a bunch of other tumblr users leaving, mustve been very difficult as a creator. i also saw mentions of you wanting to discontinue your stories... however whether or not im actively reading each chapter, im always looking forward to it. 🙏cmi, as well as you in general, has truly helped me in such dark times... its a place of comfort ❤️ even though i may not actively wait for the chapters, i do count down the days in which i can sit down and read my babies story (they are literally my children no one can tell me otherwise) 🥺
whatever decision you make on them, i will support you, however i am #teamcontinuecmi 🙏
ALSO I SAW THERES A NEW C&F ONESHOT COMING SOON?? HOW EXCITING!!!!
i hope you are doing well, i would love love love some updates on uni and work since i have been absent for so long 🫶
- wife from war anon 💂♀️
oh gosh, babe 😭 you don't have to feel bad at all!!! i've been not been extremely active either, and i feel like everyone else's been feeling the same :') i'm ngl, i definitely missed you — thought about you p much before you sent this ask. but i always, always tell you to put yourself first and take your time. i hope your dad's okay!!
ahh, yes, it's been rough on tumblr and yeah i did have a couple thoughts about discontinuing cmi/leaving tumblr in general bc things feel mmh changed? those thoughts aren't rare, and very scary. but it's also hard leaving behind people like you and characters like them, because i've grown to love them like actual people and you like my rl friends. i'm so so happy you find comfort in them, my blog and me, it's all i ever want :( tyt with catching up, i can't wait to hear what you think!!
AND YES c&f oneshot coming soon!! praying for time and motivation though lmao!! love you and hope you're okay 🤍
#comfort is one of my fav words so when someone finds it in me.. it just genuinely means everything to me#also uni and work are okay babe!! im enjoying work but uni is KILLING me so that's also why i've been so absent 😂#like i barely get a second to breathe or be with myself these days so yeah!! but we move!! 🤍 how's it all for you?#notes for rid 🌹#wife from war anon 💂🏻#fic: colour me in#fic: candles & flames
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Me: *Writing a story*
Brain:
Me: Don’t fucking do it
Brain: :)
Me: Don’t you fucking dare
Brain: :)
Me: I just want a normal goddamn-
Brain: THIS CHILD IS A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE WHO WILL FOREVER HAVE THE LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE UNCONDITIONALLY AND THUS HAVE THE POWER OF THE UNIVERSE COURSING THROUGH ITS VEINS, THE UNIVERSE UNCARING BUT IT IS CRUEL TO THOSE WHO HARM WHAT IS THEIRS AND THEY WILL MAKE IT KNOWN-
#uni talks about the universe#writing#uni writes about the universe#hEH#why the fuck do I always make my ocs overpowered as fuck#I SWEAR I DON’T INTEND TO#but EVERYTIME I give them a power#they end up killing god#or becoming god#also getting a pretty dress in the process because dammit I love pretty dresses and anime girl transformations#but hey more powerful = more trauma#and more trauma = character development#…at least in my mind that’s how it works#most of the time#sometimes I just sprinkle trauma on them for no reason
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what about being shit at work. being terrible. i mean absolutely atrocious. unwillingly being a hindrance to your colleagues. why is nobody talking about that huh
#not only do I SUCK but also my dad's coming home tomorrow to this atrociously small apartment me and my parents live in#and he'll be stayin#there all day#so i get zero (0) time alone#so I'm a 19yo adult who hates going to college and is actively failing every class (because I#don't go or study <3) + have zero (0) friends there#and sucks and I mean SUCKS at work. Who has to live with her parents. I want to die#in this town ive always lived in. i thought something would be different something#i want to fking scream#yess his work is online always has been. mom was a house wife all my life until last year. ive never been free in my entire fucking life#i thought being a uni student would be differet i thought. i thought id fucking live#crying rn! have been deslerately trying not to cry in the underground today! yippie!#oh and he will stay past christmas. who wants to kill themselves? meeeeee :3#have fallen out with all my friends. since the start of 2024 haven't had any friends. yes I'll speak the goddamn truth. what a loveley#college life!
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u ever start piecing together why everything is wrong with you
#not everything actually but#so they stuck my brother in ib classes this year (i also took them when i was in 11-12 grade)#and realizing how badly those and ap classes were draining me and making my depression worse#and how much i wanted to jump off a bridge daily. and then i graduated and took no break before uni#and then the pandemic hit. and then i got even more stressed out bc couldnt see anyone + couldnt be outside so more depressed#and then when we finally get back to campus theres no real transition back and we lost a lot of time to learn material#so having to rush everything and struggle even more to get through my last year and a half and the entirety#of senior year ready to kill me and then also trying to struggle to get help from the counselors#while professors batter me with useless advice and then no accommodations bc i couldnt get that w/o being enrolled#in disability and i couldn't do that if i couldnt get an appt with the psych working with the counselors (i started trying in october#hadnt actually even gotten my first appointment until april that year bc the psych didnt even try to attend my first appt?#*)#so yeah.#im surprised im still here but thats also barely true.#running on fumes for 6 years does that doesnt it.
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one week left
#i think i have to do it#i’ll be miserable my whole life if i dont#there’s bound to be a way to get like#srs and maybe ffs before im 18#get it before uni#then go semi stealth in uni#i’m free from ritalin today so im clear of mind#i think#in my current mindful state#i maybe only need srs and maybe height reduction shit#depending on my final height#and maybe shoulders? idk i’ve been finding them fine lately and my hips getting wider will make them normaler#in terms of ffs it’s just brow lift and maybe jaw slimming and maybe chin reduction#again hrt should help with a lot of that#in terms of coming out the main thing is relating it too my mental health issues and explaining that diy is an option and i should take it#even if my parents aren’t accepting i still have some options in front of me#i can do the ‘suicide method’ where i threaten to kill myself unless i can diy#but that will probably get me pulled out of school and sent to an institution#but apparently it works for some ppl#i can always do it in secret too#the needles will be a hassle but im sure i could pay for it#i also need to figure out the legality of doing diy under 18#and also how going to the doctors would be like#but ultimately that’s stuff i can figure out with my parents#if they are accepting#i could always come out to my sister first#bcs she would be accepting#i’ll ask how she came out and how it went for her#i think my ultimate transition goal should be to pass by the end of highschool#and be able to stealth in uni
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Alright I cracked and made a playlist for my very early stage concepts for an oni role swap au time to give Jackie some more songs that make her look just oh so pathetic (because she is)
#rat rambles#oni posting#also sorry for being dead Ive been having a Rough time but lets not go into that#but yeah Im still brain storming for the rabbit and raccoon universes but main swap au aka rat uni is coming together more so#jackie as the printing pod realizing that this shitty pathetic weirdo who keeps acting like theyre the main character was in fact her#and that not only was her entire tantrum meaningless but that she wasnt even effecting olivia as much as she thought she was#and that even olivia's final betrayal wasnt even targeted. jackie was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.#meanwhile I get to give olivia a fun identity crisis spiral that slowly but surely snowballs Way out of hand#her ass is not imune to the allure of progress#Ill give her some credit though it took her WAY longer to kill and kidnap ppl than jackie did#not that thats saying That much tho since jackie never actually tried to murder someone as far as we know#she could have but thats not smth we can know for sure since we dont know what happened to nikola#but yeah Im having fun with this au and as far as my concepts for the other two universes I have my basic jackie concepts but Im not quite#sold on my olivia ones since theyre a bit harder to work with due to the nature of my jackie concepts#basically I dont want the two to feel too basic ig? or more so too samey to their main universe counterparts#idk Ill figure it out eventually Im just trying to distract myself rn
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,
#having a bad time#i literally think the dnpg comeback saved me from the major depressive swing i usually get around october#but my mood's been really up and down the past few months#and now it's just like down#and the brain chemistry is not working#also my research is literally killing me. and also all of uni#:') so! hopefully they do something literally insane#to reset my brain chemicals
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