#also fix my mac and my moms laptop

[azurine-cryptid]

watching linux videos because i really wanna use linux when i get myself a new laptop

kind of still dont really understand cause I've never been computer smart but i like the sound of it

[versaceeevixen]

Seven Stages of... Ego Death (Part 3)

This is the part of the story where I forget the order of things. My brain is trying to protect me from trauma, but I need to write thisss.

"Fuck!" I yelled as I got off the phone with Kamran. "What is happening?"

I needed to park my car. Like right now before I crash both physically and mentally. We arrived at the mall and I parked my car not caring how straight it was.

"Are you okay?" Ritchie said.

I took a deep breath, I felt myself sinking. It reminded me of that moment of Trainspotting where Renton OD'ed and he sunk into the red velvet.

I kept looking forward at the sunset, it was such a contrast between how this morning started out rainy and the evening ended with warm weather.

I don't know how long I stared, but the only words I could say was. "I'm fine."

I turned the car off, and grabbed my key. I had to figure out how to fix this, where can I go from here? I walked with Ritchie, towards the mall. I had to find Zumiez, somewhere indexed in between the tween ear piercing shops and beggars trying to pawn off something from their kiosks.

"I just need another job, then I'll figure everything else out."

I think Ritchie said something, but he wasn't in my tunnel of vision. I stepped into Zumiez, with some unknown Soundcloud rapper blaring overhead.

"Hey Welcome in!"

Luckily, it was the same manager I talked to during the first semester nearing winter break. He was wearing a black windbreaker, and held a hanger grabber for the t-shirts placed up high.

"Hey, I remember that you needed people to work a few months ago. I was wondering if you were still hiring." I smiled

"Unfortunately, I was looking for people during the holiday season. You can still put in an application, or try for another store." He said bouncing the grabber like a guard would do a pole staff protecting a gate.

"Okay, Thank You."

"Sorry." He shrugged.

I was finally at home surrounded by Home Depot boxes. I groaned trying to figure out how to pack everything. I literally took everything with me. So, I wouldn't have to drive to South Jersey every two seconds trying to pack my ACTUAL room when my Mom moves in the summer.

I packed two boxes, and called it a day on packing. I was mentally tired but had no choice BUT to keep making progress. I crashed on my bed and opened my Mac Book. I actually won my Mac Book at my high school prom raffle, I was cut out in the prom court picture after getting robbed from 1st place. My cousin handmade my backless prom dress with a tennis cut rhinestone trim draped on my back. The first place was a generic store bought dress, that held together the most popular girl in school. It honestly didn't matter, I won a fucking Mac Book. My luck is very strange, shit doesn't align for me unless there is chaos or me getting the short end of the stick.

I typed up 'Sales Associate Position Zumiez' I started to do the job application and submitted it for the same mall I went to. I also opened up my email, for the instructions for my exit as an RA. I rolled my eyes, then I scrolled a lil bit more in my inbox.

NASA INTERNSHIP APPLICATION

I clicked so fast, maybe... just maybe everything turned into shit so my luck can be right again.

Thank you for your submission, however,...

I closed my laptop, I rolled over to my side and curled into a fetus position to force myself to sleep. I think that's it for today.

...It was Friday morning...

I do not remember if I ate, I do not know if I took a shower. I don't remember which side of the bed I woke up on.

What I do remember was telling everyone I knew on campus that I got kicked out. If I walked by someone I knew, I told them everything because right now I had nothing.

I didn't know what to do, where to go.

I texted my RD and told her I got kicked out. She told me there was nothing that she could do. I told my co-workers and Big Sis said nothing, and my other co-workers just said "That sucks." not really caring.

I don't remember how I ended up back in my dorm, that had things scattered about on the floor like a hurricane came through. But I was here, trying to come up with solutions. I had an idea, that might work.

I called my friend from back home, maybe for a weekend I could possibly stay with her until I got my head clear. I dialed her phone number hoping she would pick up. I've known Sadie since 1st grade, literally when MTV still showed music videos... (For a few hours at least) We still kept in touch with each other after all those years.

"Hello?" She said

I explained everything to her. The spark notes version of this blog is what I told her. I remember pacing in my room back and forth and explaining. I probably sounded unstable the whole time, but it just came out all at once.

"I'm sorry Vevi, it won't work out I had a friend stay with me before and it didn't work out."

"I literally just need a weekend."

She sighed "You don't have any other friends?"

"My one friend Richie has ten siblings, I can't stay with him. I literally have no one else."

I don't remember if Sadie outright said yes, or she danced around the idea of yes. But I remember feeling relieved for maybe an hour or two as I was packing. I remember thinking I was going to stay with her for the weekend at least. Because she said something along those lines.

My brother called me, again, I was hesitant to pick up but I did.

"You're just going to couch surf with me at my crib. You can't stay with your friend. Mom said you can't stay with her. I'll be on my way to pick you up, I should be there on Saturday."

Welp, there goes my Plan C. I slowly sat on the ground, laying my back against the bed. I looked off into the distance crying and sobbing, and I held my head into my hands.

"I don't want to go to Georgia." I cried on the floor.

I couldn't cry for too long because I knew I had to pack some more. I only had today and tomorrow to do it. To pack up all my shit and possibly not see it again.

That was a lot, hopefully everything was coherent. We're starting to get into the bulk of the chaos. I actually forgot how a lot of the stuff went, my brain does an excellent job of forgetting the things that really traumatized me.

Thank you brain.

[chenyeemultiply]

Flat

this is what i am feeling today

unmotivated, lonely, frustration, uninspired, my mind was everywhere.

there are so many things i need to do but i don't want to do it

there many thing that i want to do but can't find the right place to start doing it

im starting to feel like i've been pushed to do many things that i dont want to do lately. things just get ordered on me and i've been reluctant to do them, or i just do it because it is my job. i have no will to do it from my heart. i simply complete a task at a standard that i want to keep, or based on the standard when i was most passionate. and that probably has caused me a lot of stress and dissatisfaction, and feeling burnt-out lately.

plus the computer is old, some keys on the keyboard are getting unresponsive. on the other hand, i am so annoyed by keyboard on the laptop giving me double spacing, which is troublesome. maybe I should bring it to fix already RM750 byebye? and if i am going to get the new imac, another RM6K to 10K will fly out, considering I will need to get apple care, the accessories and also software. not sure how much can i get to trade in my old imac though. i do not have space for that for sure. oh my god and it is going to take time to transfer everything from old to new mac. because i want to sort out things that i don't need anymore.

and then i felt really lonely, i need a hug.

and then i walked into the kitchen and the stove and floor were wet, the wall is dirty and the windows greasy and dusty. i want to change that, repaint the wall, get a new stove cabinet and a new wall protection, no more cardboard or aluminium please. and if i could get a kitchen hood i would too.

the next time i bump into cleaning lady at the condo, i'm going to ask her if she can help clean the house. i want someone to help wipe down all the windows, doors and anything that has greasy dust or black mold on it. i don't want to waste my time getting frustrated over it. or hearing my mom complain about it. i want to change the kitchen. fix the fridge, fix the water heater, get rid of cockroaches, change the bathroom doors.

maybe when i get back to swimming again i will find more motivation to do things. right now im just lacking will power. hate to socialise. want to sleep as much as i can. want to work with new people. want to work with smart and inspiring people.

please give me an access to reach a god designer to take my place in my full time job because i'm dread going there. i cant focus and unmotivated to do any work there. i dont want to go and clean things everytime i'm there, losing my energy feeling everything needs to be clean, and yes they do because it is always so dusty.

i just want to stay home alone most of the time, or go somewhere that i can work quietly and efficiently. whoever in the house please don't come and talk to me to distract me, i feel annoyed.

[lachalaine]

i’m not here because my laptop is broken and i’m still recovering from the pressure of the last three weeks of my life BUT. 

i just wanna say i love @secrecykept & @takusanno & @aquoreus with all my heart and soul and i wish her all the best and only the most amazing of things in the whole wide world, thank u. 

[keeptheotherone]

Mecation: Day 1 

Thursday

I once read social media described as an indulgence of the fantasy that others are interested in the details of our lives. I’m indulging in that fantasy this week by blogging about my Mecation under the guise of travel blogging ;)

If you follow me in even the most casual way, you know I’m a nurse. While I’ve enjoyed the vast majority of my 23 years as such, I don’t recommend it during a pandemic. The last 18 months have been the second-worst mental health period of my life, demoted to that position not because of the mildness of my symptoms but simply because at 15 I didn’t have the experience or perspective to realize my life was not, in fact, ruined forever.

COVID increased my personal vulnerability as a high-risk patient and made my job immensely more difficult in countless ways both small and large, but the worst part of the pandemic for me (so far) is it took away all my coping mechanisms precisely when I needed them most. Massage, pedicures, dinner out with friends, travel ... all gone practically overnight. Pre-COVID I travelled all the time--home to my parents’, long weekends by myself (Mecation!), annual visits to BFFs, conferences, tourism, the beach, my birthday, writing trips, international trips ... I always had at least one trip in the works, usually one booked and one (or more!) in the planning stages. 

When COVID started, all my close friends and family except for two lived out of state. One of those two was out of town but close enough to get together, but the other was a few hours’ drive away. I’m single and live alone; it was the most isolated I’ve ever been in my whole life. 

With my bestest friends over 500 miles away, I still feel that way sometimes. I haven’t seen them in a year. If it weren’t for COVID, it would only be 7 or 8 months (I’ve gone every January or February since ... forever). Then again, if it weren’t for COVID, I wouldn’t have been there last September; one had been hospitalized and I needed to see she was all right with my own two eyeballs. I expect it will be at least another 7 or 8 months before we get together again, bringing the total to about 20 months. One year we saw each other 5 times in 9 months, our personal best since college. 

I was alone on Christmas. Oh, I’ve spent December 25th on my own before; I’m a nurse. I’ve worked the night of the 24th or the 25th (or both), or whatever combination that didn’t leave enough time off to drive home. But I’ve never spent the Christmas season without my parents. Sometimes the week before, sometimes the week after, sometimes at my place instead of home, but always together. But last Christmas COVID was raging, the vaccines had just come out but were only available to first responders (I got mine on the 23rd), and my elderly parents didn’t feel safe to travel. So I spent Christmas without family.

Travel was not just a break from my daily routine and the stress of nursing; in many ways, the biggest benefit travel made to my mental and emotional health was giving me something to look forward to.  Proverbs 13:12 says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and ohhh, I was so heartsick last year! Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t visit my best friends of almost 25 years (more than half my life!). Not being able to travel meant I couldn’t lean on my dad or be hugged by my mom. Not being able to travel--and not knowing when I could travel--left this gaping hole in my future, and I had nothing to fill it with. 

I tell you this not to throw a pity party but to explain the significance of the trip I’m on right now. It is only my third this year: my dad and I spent a week in the mountains in February (my depression and anxiety was so bad then that was treatment, not vacation), I took a friend to the beach over my birthday, and now I’m a couple hours from home at a nice spa hotel. (I’m not counting my nephew’s graduation, which was emotionally challenging for multiple reasons, or helping a friend move from Florida. Moving is never fun.)

I started planning this trip in the spring ... May, maybe? You know, after the vaccine rolled out to everyone and case counts were dropping and it looked like we were gonna lick this thing and have a quasi-normal summer by the Fourth of July (yes, I’m American. That date is a proper noun here.). I had switched jobs in November (don’t ask) and gone on mental health leave December 29th, so I felt I owed it to my unit to put in about six months of work before taking any significant time off, especially since I came back at 24 hours instead of 36. That meant September.

I knew what I wanted to do: 4 or 5 days at an all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean. I’d been before and loved the freedom of not worrying about every little expenditure (what can I say, I’m cheap), and a few days of Vitamin Sea sounded perfect.

Then came Delta.

All right, maybe going out of the country isn’t the best idea, I thought. Don’t want to end up with expensive reservations and then your destination closes to Americans, or you make it to your chosen island but can’t get back home. But I didn’t want to fly (ugh, airports!), I didn’t want to drive (rest stops and restaurants and gas stations), and while I thought about taking the train, it didn’t seem much of an improvement (and maybe a downgrade) on flying.

Then a friend mentioned a sleeper car, and I thought yes! That could work! I’ve never been to New England, I want to go to Boston, that area of the country has low case rates and the highest vaccination rates, this has potential! 

Then I looked at the CDC map. There were only four states that didn’t have high transmission at that time (early August, I think; I’d had to wait for confirmation that my time off had been approved): Michigan, Rhode Island, Maine, and New Hampshire. All four had substantial rates of transmission. Hardly ideal, but one thing I’ve learned this year is sometimes you have to make compromises to protect your mental health. It is true it doesn’t matter if you’re happy if you’re dead; it is also true it doesn’t matter if you’re safe if you want to kill yourself. (I’m not suicidal, I am receiving treatment, don’t anybody panic.)

So, now I’ve settled on Maine or New Hampshire by train via sleeper car (Michigan is too far for a 4-5 day trip and RI--meh). Well, as I got deeper into planning, turned out Maine or NH were awfully far too. Far enough I would have to overnight in a major city, which pretty much defeated the purpose of isolating in a sleeper car. Then I found out there were no sleeper cars on either train route.

So, now vacation is 5 weeks away and I’m back at square one. The Deep South, Texas, and Florida are imploding. Pediatric cases are rising--kids are sicker and make up a higher percentage of cases than they did last year. Scuttlebutt from my ICU colleagues is it’s bad--17/30 MICU beds are COVID and they’re all vented. SICU is being nicknamed “the ECMO unit.” The hospital has 18(!) ECMO machines and 12 are in use; the float nurse who tells us that didn’t even know we had 12 because she’s never seen that many in use at one time. Hospital-wide our numbers are equivalent to early February (we peaked in January). There were six--SIX--pediatric rapid responses in one day. 

And I’m going to travel.

It’s a big deal ... a big accomplishment, really, because of what it says about how I’m successfully managing my anxiety. April 1 was the first time I’d been inside a grocery store in more than a year ... and that wasn’t my idea. It was late April or May before I was comfortable eating in restaurants, even with the falling case count at the time. I’m still not sure if I’m managing my anxiety or reacting to the pressure by going to the opposite extreme (I have a history of that), but I know I’m less stressed, less anxious, have fewer obsessive thoughts, fewer physical symptoms, and am learning to live with this disease. 

So, here I sit at a marble-topped 5-foot-wide desk in my queen/queen hotel room at the end of a productive and enjoyable day. I slept in, completed the big goal of this weekend’s to-do list that I honestly thought would take several days, unpacked and organized my room (I arrived yesterday evening), reorganized my Favorites Bar and Bookmarks on my Mac, had an 80-minute aromatherapy massage, enjoyed a shower in the spa afterwards and even blow-dried my hair(!) before wandering around for a while to get the lay of the land and get some steps in (this place is huge!). Then I changed clothes and took myself out to dinner for my favorite food, Italian. 

That’s me in the picture up top, all dressed up :) Actually, I probably look pretty normal to y’all; like most people with depression, my personal hygiene sunk to new lows in the last year and a half, and as a low-maintenance person to begin with, that’s saying a lot. I bought that necklace as a bridesmaid and am not sure I’ve worn it since; this spring was her 10th anniversary. Yesterday I took out the cat-shaped earrings Dad gave me for Christmas. (Yes, they were gross. Yes, I cleaned them. Yes, I’m wearing them again now.) Just wearing a nice top, fixing my hair (no ponytail or claw-clip bun, my staples), and adding jewelry was a big deal ... especially since “no one” was going to see me. I did it just for me, to make myself feel good. And I did. (That’s another small pleasure COVID took away from me--lip gloss. If I wore any makeup at all, it was lipstick or gloss. Utterly pointless when you’re masked whenever you’re in public.)

I took my laptop to dinner and edited a couple chapters of my new Charlie/Amy fic (previewed during #ktoo turns 10), ran a couple errands, and headed back to the hotel since I don’t like to be out late by myself in an unfamiliar city. Forgot I put my receipt envelope in the backseat pocket and reorganized the glove compartment looking for it, then gathered a bunch of returns into a bag in the trunk. Hung out writing in the lobby until my Mac threatened to die, came upstairs and tidied up, put on my jammies, and talked to you guys :) 

[wingedchildqueen]

Thunderstorm Kisses

Well my god. I wrote this five years ago, under my old tumblr account that I deleted by mistake and thought I had lost it forever, as I had also lost the laptop I typed it on. I suddenly remembered the name of it and took a chance searching it up and what do you know. Tumblr aint completely useless. The post still exists even though the account is dead. This is a dead fandom, I’m quite aware but I’m posting it here for documentation sake and for any lucaya fans who may be still floating around on this god forsaken platform. Much love and happy reading. P.S My writing has gotten better since this was written (God I hope) lol but I have not edited or altered anything because I think my 18 year old self's writing style should be left as it is for the sentimentality of it all. Warning: This is so cringy, cheesy and teeny boppy (if that's a thing) eeekk

He’d always wondered what she tasted like. If her kisses would be as electric as the thunderstorm in her eyes.  He knew it was wrong to have these thoughts when he had been in a relationship with her best friend for almost two years, and he loved Riley, he really did. But when this girl  was always in his face , challenging him, teasing him and threatening him relentlessly, all he could do was stare down at this raging blond fury, and over time he happened to notice that she had the pinkest lips he had ever seen, almost perfectly shaped, with a permanent smirk that was always directed at him and he began to wonder what they tasted like.

He would catch himself thinking about her at the most random times. Strawberry lips and sunshine hair would flood his mind and afterwards he would hate himself for it because he knew he should be thinking about warm chocolate eyes and chestnut hair, but it was hard to do that when a sea of electric blue always invaded and washed away these thoughts.

After almost two years of letting her verbally and physically abuse him, he had finally begun to fight back. Not because he was sick of it, or because he wanted to hurt her, but because he knew she liked when he did, and he would do anything to see that fire in her eyes intensify. The first time he had actually fought back, by responding to one of her verbal jabs with a very clever remark in his opinion, her eyebrows had shot up in surprise and he was not sure if he should stay or run from her wrath, but surprisingly she had smiled. Though, he could not have been sure, because it had only lasted for an instant, until her face fell back to its usual smirk and she proceeded to call him one of her ever creative names in response.  He noticed that she smiled a lot, especially with Riley, but he also noticed that a lot of her smiles were always a little too hard, or with a little too much teeth and they never really reached her eyes.  He had never seen someone so committed to assuring the happiness of their best friend. She would sell her soul for Riley. Riley’s happiness was Maya’s occupation and he wished that she realized her happiness was important too and sometimes he would want so badly to tell her she was worth everything and more, and she deserved the world  but he could not do that. They would be no windowsill conversations between them, no heart to hearts because he was Ranger Rick and she was his girlfriend’s best friend. And that was that.

He found her crying one time, underneath a staircase at school. He had never seen her cry before. The school was nearly empty and Riley had had cheerleading practice.  He was not sure what to do at first, if he should just walk away and call Riley, but then a sob came from her that nearly broke his heart, and never in his life had he felt such  a need to  fix someone. She sat in the corner of the staircase, her knees drawn to her chest and her face in her hands, her hair cascading down her shoulders. Her shoulders shook and his insides hurt. He didn’t think she knew anyone was  looking at her so he called her name. She remained in the same position and he called her name again. No response. She had to have heard him. She probably thought if she didn’t acknowledge him he would eventually go away but he refused to do anything of that sort. Without a second thought, he walked towards her tiny figure and slid down the wall next to her. He felt her body tense and then put his arm around her, pulling her into him. She lay stiff in his arms but he held on. After a few minutes he felt her finally relax against him and her head fell heavily against his shoulder. Her sobs had subsided but she still shook a little. His grip tightened and he rested his head against hers. Never did someone fit so perfectly in his arms. He heard her sigh, a sigh that sounded like it was filled with so much world weariness. They never spoke of it afterwards, it was as if it had never happened and though she had never told him to, he knew he was not supposed to tell Riley that he had found her crying. It was an unspoken agreement. The only acknowledgment that he got that had proven what had happened had not been a figment of his imagination was when the very next day their eyes had locked briefly across their lunch table with Riley and Farkle in the cafeteria and she had given him a small smile. Of gratitude? He couldn’t be sure but he thinks it was probably the most genuine smile he had ever seen on her face, even though her lips had only slightly turned upwards, but no matter how small, it had gotten to her sea glass eyes.

He could feel there dynamic slowly changing. He wasn’t sure he could say they were becoming friendlier with each other but they were becoming…something more than just two teenagers who tolerated each other for the sake of a mutual friend. They no longer needed Riley to be there to feel comfortable in each other’s presence. One day, all four of them, him, Riley, Farkle and Maya, were supposed to meet at “Topanga’s” to hang out but it had just ended up being the two of them as Farkle had ditched them to hang out  with the AV club and Riley had to babysit Auggie at the last minute. He would have thought that Maya would have left to go and help Riley with Auggie but surprisingly she had stayed and it was then he had found out that she was a really good listener. Sitting opposite each other in one of the booths, with her hands clasped together on top of the table she listened as he told her about Texas sunsets, and how beautiful the horses looked when they ran together in the fields and how he had always woke up at five every morning to do things around his grandparents farm. He told her how much he missed his old home and his family  and how sometimes New York could be so suffocating with all its skyscraper buildings and millions of people. Not once did she call him a name or interrupt him as he told her, she just listened. At the end of it, it was silent for a moment and she just stared at him with her piercing eyes, as if she was searching for something in him. After a moment she leaned back and said to him,

“ Even though here might not feel like home, always remember that we will always be your family, no matter what.” She told him this without her gaze ever wavering from his face and he thinks that that was the moment he started to fall in love with her.

He began to walk her home nearly every day after school especially on the days when they all hung out till dark. The first time he did, he realized how far she lived from Riley’s house, nearly  five blocks and her neighborhood was not exactly the safest, especially in the night. The first few times she fussed about it and told him it wasn’t necessary but   eventually she realized she could not convince him otherwise and it became a pattern. No matter how much she claimed she could take care of herself he always noticed how she would draw nearer to him whenever they walked passed a dark ally or she received a random catcall from a pedestrian across the street. In those moments it would take everything he had within him to prevent himself from enclosing  her hand in his just to assure her that he was right here beside her, that nothing in hell could hurt her with him here. In those walks he found out a lot about her. That her mom changed jobs all the time and worked triple shifts and sometimes days would go by without her seeing her. He learned that her sick grandmother lived with them and that she tried to get home as soon as possible to make her dinner and watch tv with her. He got the impression that aside from Riley, her Grandma was her best friend. Her eyes always lit up when she spoke of her.

One day after almost six months of walking her home, she finally invited him inside. He could see how nervous she was as she fumbled open the door of the apartment. “It’s not much,” she had mumbled to him and he had told her he didn’t care if she lived in a box on the worst alley in New York. She laughed at that and he saw her relax a little. Her laugh was like a  drug to him, and like any addict, whenever he rarely evoked one from her, he found himself on this high. She introduced him to her grandmother who hugged him with a grip so fierce it startled him. He could have seen that she had been beautiful when she was younger. He now knew where Maya had gotten her looks from. Her grandmother had held his hand while sitting on her rocking chair and studied him for a significant amount of time, with eyes very similar to Maya’s. She then turned to Maya and announced that it was abnormal for a boy to have such a beautiful face. He laughed and then heard Maya scoff behind him. He turned to her and winked and she rolled her eyes. She walked towards the small kitchen and he swore he glimpsed a smile that she tried to hide behind her hair. He helped her make dinner, despite her refusal, and though it was only Mac and cheese, it was probably the best meal he had ever had as he ate next to her on the couch in the living room, opposite her grandmother as they watched some Spanish soap opera with no english subtitles. Though he had no idea what they were saying he laughed along with Maya and her grandmother and he thinks this was the happiest he had ever seen her.  Afterwards he stood next to her in the kitchen by the sink as she washed the dishes and he dried and in that moment he felt like this was something he would like to do for the rest of his life, not just wash dishes, but just stand next to her,  unconsciously bumping shoulders, and brushing fingers, as she passed the dishes to him, that sent shivers down his spine.

He helped her make dinner at least three times a week and her grandmother loved him. She would pass him worried looks  whenever her grandma barely touched her food, which was most nights, and he would fix the antenna on the television on the nights they tended to get a lot of static. He looked forward to these nights, more than anything else and though she would never admit it, he didn’t know how grateful Maya was for him coming. He made her nights less lonely.

One night, just after they had washed the dishes, they heard thunder rumble outside and in a few minutes there was a full out storm raging outside. They stood by the window and watched as lightning streaked the sky outside. He felt her turn her head to watch him and he met her gaze. She shrugged her shoulders and turned on her heel, heading for her room. How he knew that that was her way of giving him permission to stay the night? He wasn’t sure, but at some point they had begun to understand each other without the use of words. He stood still for a moment and eventually followed her into the room where she had already thrown a sheet and pillow on the floor for him. He told her that he could sleep on the couch but she just shook head, mumbling something about her grandma groaning in the night and he would never get any sleep on the couch.  

Later on, they lay in the dark, with him on the floor and Maya on her bed. They lay in silence and he listened to her breathing and thought of a lot of things. He thought of Riley, innocent Riley, who was probably sleeping and he felt guilty because she was so kind, and beautiful and loving and he didn’t deserve any of it as he lay on the floor of her best friend’s bedroom, her best friend who he was falling in love with one Spanish soap opera at a time. And then he thought of Maya, and everything she was, and how brightly she burned in this black and white life she did not deserve and how underneath the entire tough façade she put on at school she was just a girl trying to hold it all together the best that she could with a sick grandmother and an almost absent mother and he thought of how he so much wanted to give her a life she deserved.

He heard ruffling of sheets and then the thudding of feet landing on the floor and the next thing he knew she was lying next to him. There was absolutely no physical contact, and they both just lay there, staring at the ceiling and he could feel her warmth, so close to him, part of her hair, which was fanned out on the floor tickled his neck. He turned on his side to look at her and she mirrored him and they both lay staring at each other intently. He fell asleep  drowning in a sea of blue.

They didn’t talk about how the next morning they woke up wrapped up in each other, feet intertwined and his arms around her and her face in his neck. They didn’t talk about how they lay there for a few moments, without moving, even though they both were already awake and should have long detangled. Those things remained unspoken.

He could feel Riley beginning to suspect something. Innocent Riley who should not have to suspect these kinds of things. He wasn’t sure exactly what had made her aware of it, maybe it was the lingering glances between him and Maya in the cafeteria or the fact that Maya taunted him less and less these days or that he and Maya stood a little too close to each other by the lockers. She could feel her eyes on him at certain times, especially when they hung out together as a group and he couldn’t help but feel terrible. It wasn’t as if they had kissed or anything but he could feel Riley’s eyes burning into him and feared that she could see into his mind and see exactly what he was thinking. Maya, Maya, Maya.

He knew Maya could feel her suspicion too and they cut down his number of visits to once a week as much as he hated it. It wasn’t as if they were doing anything wrong even though, in reality they really were.

One afternoon, both him and Maya stood at Riley’s locker waiting for her to finish cheerleading practice. They had begun to laugh about something, something entirely stupid but it had him gasping for breath as he laughed and she bent over holding her stomach. They were a mess, even though whatever it was had not even been that funny. He steadied her from toppling over with laughter and she leaned against him heavily. Eventually they calmed down, leaning against the lockers with their shoulders pressed against each other. He looked at her, her hair an absolute mess and laughed, gently pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear and smoothing down the rest with his two hands. She smiled as he did this and suddenly there faces were so close to each other and he could feel her breath on his face  with the scent of peppermint and she was so close and so warm and……

He heard someone clearing their throat and there stood Riley, her hands clenched at her sides and they both straightened up. He hated being responsible for that look of hurt in her eyes. Maya looked down at her shoes and he felt sorry for her as well.  She had been trying so hard , all her life, to protect her friend from the hurt of the world and here she was, the person to hurt  her, sealed and delivered.

Him and Riley’s three year relationship ended that night over the phone with a lot of silence and sharp words from her side of the conversation. You would think after three years he would feel hurt and be mourning the loss if his girlfriend, but instead, he felt free. He called Maya but she did not answer the phone. He tried a few more times but it went straight to voicemail.

He thought that maybe she just felt bad about the entire Riley situation and that at school he would assure her that everything was alright and that Riley was not even that mad anyways, but for three days she didn’t show up to school and he felt a panic rise in him. He didn’t ask Riley because she still wasn’t talking to him and obviously Farkle, his supposed best friend was taking her side. She still would not pick up her phone and with nothing else to do he found himself walking towards her apartment after school. He knocked on her door loudly and anxiously. There was no response. Where was she? He knocked again and shook the handle only to find that the door was open. The pace of his heart increased rapidly and his palms began to sweat. Why was her door open and why did he suddenly feel so scared? He slowly pushed open the door and there she sat on the couch, in front of the television that blasted a Spanish soap opera. As familiar as this scenario was to him, he could not help but feel something was missing. Only then did he realize the empty rocking chair and the door to her grandmother’s room that was wide open showcasing  a stripped mattress and boxes on the floor for packing. Everything connected and his eyes fell back to her on the couch, knees drawn to her chest and unseeing eyes glued to the television. If he looked closely he could have seen that her hands trembled as they wrapped around her legs. He could see that she was trying desperately to hold herself together.  “Oh Maya,” he said and he dropped his book bag to the floor and made his way to the couch. He enveloped her into his arms and this time she didn’t tense but completely melted into him. She buried her face in his chest and he rested his chin on her head, smoothing his hand over her hair and she cried and shook and soaked his t-shirt with her tears. And in that moment he held her together.

He held her hand at the funeral and stayed with her at the grave until everyone else  left so she could say her goodbyes without the whole world to witness and just him, and he was not allowed to stay because he didn’t matter, but because he did. He took her for ice cream afterwards instead of them going back to the apartment to be surrounded by sad stories and the sickening smell of flowers. He tried to make her laugh and she appreciated  it even though the most she could muster was a bitter smile. They stood on the sidewalk outside the ice cream shop and he held her hand tightly and whispered to her that it was all going to be okay and she rested her head on his shoulder. Death sucked, but it sucked a little less when you had someone to hold onto.

The first time he kissed her, they were on her fire escape. They had started to sit there a lot now because watching Spanish soap operas just really was never the same anymore. He was telling her about the stars in Texas and how when you looked up at night you could see billions of them dotting the sky unlike the too bright city of New York that drowned out the night sky. They lay on their backs looking at the sky and he had challenged her that she probably could not even count twenty stars in New York’s night sky. Of course she had looked at him determinately and started to count, hell bent to find twenty-one stars, the one extra just to make him look like an ass. And of course she did count twenty one stars exactly and she raised her arms in triumph above her head and then turned to give him the most breathtaking smile he had ever seen. This smile met her eyes and lit up her entire face, and she was brighter than any Texas sky. He took her face in both his hands and kissed her.  She tasted like coffee and strawberries and Spanish soap operas and night skies and he loved her so much his heart hurt. She pulled away from him and looked at him, her eyes wide and questioning. He nodded his head in response to her unasked question and pulled her back in and his hands threaded through her sunshine hair. Her hands wrapped behind his neck and their bodies fit in  ways that was too perfect too describe.

He no longer had to wonder if her kisses were as electric as the thunderstorm in her eyes. They were. And she tasted like everything he could ever want and in her arms and lost in her lips, he knew;

He was home

[lettersfromthecatcave]

Weekender Update:

LIMBO I felt like I’m in a limbo the past weeks. I’ve been so used to flexible time at work that I feel like I’m merely a robot ticking of lists and taking orders. 

I hate losing control over my time, as I always work on my own schedule set for the day. I prioritize things and attack them in an agile manner. Nakakasira ng ulo na kailangan kong maupo for training. I know I’ve been talking abut this for a few posts but it really affects me mentally. 

I also found out that my team from previous company finally got the job grade increase we’ve been fighting for years. No tinge of jealousy but I felt feeling of doubt and regret rush through me like cold water... Should I have waited and stayed instead? I was part of the initiative for that job grade increase and now, it meant really working directly for Global and having 10-15% increase. I know it’s still lower compared to my current salary with current company but the kind of support system from my prior company is way different that the current. 

Still, I am extremely grateful for the fact that I have grown and learned so much in my current role, with the help of my current manager. I’ve been pushed to do more that what I thought I possibly could. But, often, I feel like I am valued only for my output and not for my potential. I hope I am wrong. 

To be honest, I just hope there was more trust within our team. I did try my hardest, especially during the lockdown periods, visiting them weekly, trying to share a meal and talk, but still... there’s a lot of politics happening.  FINANCIAL 

I’ve spent so much the past months, I hope I’d be able to get out of this spell again. Grateful that I wasn’t swayed to get the most expensive iPhone plan. But I bought an air fryer and depota, ang mahal ng groceries ko??? It’s hard to shop for two people, and I think it’s really about me prioritizing and understanding na ghorl, you are no longer single. Yes, you want that salmon but you have to buy smart, cook smart. 

SMALL JOYS

Aside from the weekend run and family time that I shared about earlier, I also love the new macOs Big Sur! To be honest, I haven’t really maximized my Mac’s potential, even dwell on how to customize it. Kapag nakahinga na siguro sa lahat ng ganap. 

I’m also excited, and I know I said magbabawas na but bonus is coming and aside from 1/5 of it going straight to savings, I plan to spend the remaining for: 

- Mom and Dad’s tablet or laptop - around 15K din aabutin - Coffee machine + pods - around 7-8K - Extra budget for Elizitea like chairs, plants and lights - around 10K - Christmas budget which I often give to Mom & Dad - 5K

Sometimes, I push myself too hard because super gutom akong kumita ng pera that I end up missing my daily life experiences. Kakablog ko lang sa Wit, Grit and Fit about enjoying life and not breezing through it always running after a goal far in the future tapos eto ako mismo, nangangarag about it. So, I wish that once all this fixed schedule is over, I can take time to breath and pause again. 

Nakakaadik lang talaga mag-ipon, magpaganda ng bahay at shop. Nakakaadik din magnegosyo. But, I need to value my health and rest too. 

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 5

Hello there! The first half of this was already written before my laptop died on me weeks ago, so I was able to finish it pretty quickly. I hope you enjoy, can’t wait to get on with this story. Feedback is always appreciated :)

Taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @ladylannisterxo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @queenismylifenow (if you want to be tagged please message me)

previous parts are found under the ‘some day one day’ tag!

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Brian spent the whole 25 minutes between the phone call and Y/N’s arrival pacing around his living room in a worn out shirt and a pair of briefs, his mac and cheese long forgotten and his mind lost in space. He’d tried to tidy the house a bit, hiding dirty clothes and his daughter’s toys under the bed and in old plastic boxes, but his nerves couldn't let him focus on one task and he ended up ignoring most of the chaos he’d made.

He didn't know why, but he truly wanted to make a good impression on Y/N and for her to like him for who he was, although he knew that wasn't the reason she was coming over. He shouldn't even have had those thoughts in the first place.

He stared at the door for a couple of minutes until the doorbell rang and he felt his heart try to break his ribcage apart. 

After taking a quick look at himself in the small mirror he had hung in the hallway and shaking his head at the image reflected back, disappointed at his appearance with bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d been experiencing lately and curly hair all over the place from running his hands through it way too often, he hurried to the door to not let her wait outside too long, considering how cold it had gotten that night.

When he opened it, he was shocked to see a very distressed Y/N who somehow looked tinier than usual with her shoulders hunched and makeup stains all over the soft skin of her face. Before he could stop his actions, he reached out and gently wiped the area under her eyes with his thumbs, holding her cheeks in his palms as she leaned into his right hand seeking comfort and affection. 

“Hi Brian”

“Hi my love, did you drive here?” He asked with concern, not wanting her to get behind the wheel in such a state.

“I did. It’s fine though, I’m a pretty good driver” 

“I don’t doubt that, but you should be careful. You could have asked me to come pick you up”

She shrugged and detached her eyes from his own, not needing to be scolded from him in such an emotional state. 

Brian stepped aside and finally let her in his apartment. She took notice of everything that surrounded her, the pictures on the walls and the shelves, the shoes that were left abandoned by the closet and the different pieces of forniture, some of which strongly contrasted with each other. She noticed an old black and white picture of a very young Brian holding a guitar and smiling at the camera and took it in her hands, admiring his features which she realized hadn't changed much since his youth days.

“You play?” For some reason that detail about him surprised her, maybe she thought someone as dedicated to physics as him couldn't have many other hobbies. To be honest, the guitar looked amazing on him, like he was meant to have it on himself at all times.

“I do. That picture is older than you probably, it’s from 1969. But yes, I do play, I’m in a band with a couple of my friends”

He smiled fondly at the memory of him and his three best friends playing for small crowds when they were younger and full of life as he watched Y/N take in every detail of his house. It wasn’t very big, anything he earned from his job he spent on spoiling his daughter, but it was cozy and homey, and Y/N thought it represented him very well, with scattered papers all around and posters of planets and galaxies almost everywhere. 

“I’d love to hear you play one day” she said before something caught her attention: a very tiny pink shoe left laying on the ground, which Brian must had forgotten to put back in its place previously. 

The thought of him having children had never crossed her mind for some reason, but in that moment she realized that she shouldn't have made assumptions, after all she knew almost nothing about him. He noticed her eyes wandering and took a close look at her reaction, not knowing what to expect from her.

“You.. have kids?” The words sounded even stranger on her tongue.

“I, uhm, I have a daughter, yes. Emily. Yeah. She's not here tonight though, don't worry” he blushed profusely at the idea of Y/N knowing about Em, he didn't even exactly know why but to him it was always a struggle to open up about anything even remotely personal. 

“I never thought you’d be the kind of person to have children Brian, but that's absolutely adorable”

He swiftly took his wallet from out of his old bag that he usually brought to school and pulled out a tiny picture of a very smiley, red cheeked and wide eyed little girl, proudly showing it to Y/N.

“This is her, she's the love of my life”

Y/N examined the picture, trying to find little clues that connected her to Brian and, in fact, finding many and realizing just how similar the two were. She was fascinated by the little girl and by the idea of tall, lanky professor May being a dad. 

“She’s beautiful, Brian. She looks just like you” she said after a while, hoping that with that statement she had made it clear that she thought he was also extremely beautiful. Actually, the word beautiful couldn't even begin to express the way she saw him, but it was a start.

He smiled fondly at the girl in front of him seeing genuine interest in her eyes. 

“You might meet her one day, I’d love for you to” as he spoke those words he realized just how true they were, he realized he wanted Em to get to know Y/N and watch movies about fairies and princesses with her, and he couldn’t understand why. Emily had a mother already, granted she wasn’t the most maternal person in the world, but she tried her best just like Brian did. Sometimes he felt like she didn’t do enough though, Emily would often come back home to him from a weekend spent with her mother craving affection and physical contact, so did that mean that her mother wasn't able to provide those things for her? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Y/N grabbed Brian’s hand and held it close to her body without thinking twice, she knew that would bring her comfort and all she wanted was a break from the emotional pain.

“Sorry for getting here so late, you’re always so kind to me but you really didn’t have to invite me here, maybe you had better plans in mind than listen to me whine”

“Don’t even say that love, I couldn’t stand knowing you weren’t okay and not doing anything about it”

Brian lingered a bit longer than usual on the last words, wondering if it was alright for him to keep going.

“I have grown quite attached to you Y/N, I only want what’s best for you, I hope you never forget that” he decided to say.

Almost instinctively he opened his long and skinny arms, letting Y/N crash her head on his firm chest then wrapping them around her, bending his head so that his curls would caress her cheeks as she left tears stains on his shirt.

“I’m such a mess Brian, I don’t know how to go on from here, I feel lost, I mean, I wasn’t even able to pass this test and that's a clear indication that I’m never going to achieve anything in my life” she was able to shakily let out a few words in between sobs and sniffles. She didn’t know what pushed her to feel so free and able to let herself be emotional around a man that she clearly didn't know that well after all, but there was an aura around him that smelled like home and family and love, and Y/N had never had much of any of those things.

He knew she wasn't thinking straight and that she was allowing her negative thoughts and insecurities run wild and take over her brain, he’d been in that same position many times in his own life. 

“Take a deep breath baby, you’re fine and I promise you’re always going to be fine. If it takes us two more years to get you to pass that test than that’s how long we’re gonna be working for. You’re gonna achieve such great things in life and I can tell because you’re so young and yet so determined and willing to fight already, that's not something everyone has in them. You are special love, I truly want you to learn to see that. Failures teach us how to keep going, not how to quit”.

His words were wonderful and spot on, she didn't know how he always somehow knew exactly what to say in any circumstance, but in that moment she felt the need to cry her feelings out, and Brian didn't question her, he understood her even when she didn't say a word. 

“Shall we make tea? Would that make you feel better in any way? It’s not magic, but I can make it for you just like my mom used to make it for me when I was young and ill, it’s life changing I promise” he said with a gentle expression on his lightly freckled face. 

All Y/N had to do was nod and she suddenly found herself sat on the kitchen counter staring at the gentle giant in front of her who was currently fixing her tea, she didn't even have it in herself to wonder how she got there because for once she felt like that was exactly where she belonged.

Brian could feel her eyes on him the whole time and he didn't mind the attention at all.

He handed her a steaming cup and got one for himself. Silence surrounded them, but it wasn't an awkward one, it was rather calming for Y/N’s nerves and excruciating headache. She was able to recollect her thoughts and realize just how lucky she was to have his support available at any hour of any day.

“I should probably head back home soon Bri, if my parents find out I’m not in my bedroom they're going to flip on me”

“What did you tell them about the test?”

He didn't know anything about her parents apart from the few things that had slipped from her mouth every once in a while during their tutoring sessions, but the fact that their own daughter was currently at his apartment seeking help and emotional support instead of being with them told him more about the kind of people they were than any words could. 

“I just said that I tried my best and that I won’t know how I did for another couple of weeks at least, then I gave them a big fake smile and disappeared. I kept it simple”

Brian nodded understandingly then wrapped his arms around her once more, not for any specific reason, but he felt that she could have used an extra hug. He felt weird, in a way that he would never be able to explain to himself even years after these events took place. He felt his stomach twist in a nervous knot and an overwhelming urge to kiss the girl and never let go of her. He wanted to be physically and emotionally connected to her and show her that not everything in life was so terrible after all. He wanted her, night and day, all of her.

A big part of him, however, knew very well that what he wanted was morally questionable.

He couldn't just go and kiss her without at least talking to her about it first, what if that's not what she wanted? She could have gotten him fired if she’d spread the word to anyone in school. Was it worth risking his whole career over this one girl? (Yes, yes it was).

Maybe if she hadn’t been his student and years younger than him things would have been different, but anyhow he was able to keep those urges under control by holding her tighter against his body, allowing himself to pretend for a second things could actually be different. 

He couldn't believe his own conscience, but his feelings were stronger than anything he’d ever experienced and later on, when Y/N left his house despite his concerns about her safety and his offer to let her sleep over for the night, he found himself wishing he didn't have so much self control. 

[randomdcfangirl]

Personal Hairstylist

Okay, this is Jason x POC Reader but reader is not living anymore. It's probably going to be sad and or triggering so be warned. Anyway, because reader was mom and is dead that means Jason dose her hair and things the 'moms do' (I put that in quotes because there are a lot of amazing single dads out there that don't have the recognition they deserve). So Jason is a single dad, daughter is about 6 years old.

Btw I'm a mixed girl who has extremely mixed hair. If you didn't think it was a thing OH MY GOD. My hair is a mess, it's curly and just a lot to handle. When it's wet and full of conditioner oh it's easy but when it's dry and tangled don't even think of getting a brush through it. But anyway my mom is black and my dad is white, I appear as a 'white girl' because my mom is light skin. I have 3 siblings and we are all the same skin tone.

Warnings: a couple cuss words, mentions of death, possibly triggering, Justice League is kinda insensitive, kinda depressing but it has a happy ending.

(D/N): Daughters name, (Y/N): Your name (L/N): Last name

Loosely inspired by a headcanon I saw by @secondratefiction

(btw the picture is a example of their daughters skin tone and hair type, but you can use her as your daughter if you would like).

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The night Jason got the news you weren't coming home he broke. He didn't care who saw or heard, all that was on his mind was the fact that you were gone. He cried, about the pain, about what happened, what this would mean for (D/N) since she was 8 months at the time.

You were in an accident, a MAC truck driver didn't look before pulling out and smashed your car. Your injuries were bad, like really bad, swollen brain, fractured skull, broken legs, spine, arms, ribs and many more injuries. You were lucky you didn't die on the spot, you were in a coma for 3 weeks before you passed.

Jason was sitting at home with the 8 month old baby in his arms. Bruce and his brother's were there to check on him, Alfred was there to take care of (D/N) when he went back to the hospital for the night. But instead Jason's phone rang, he set the sleeping baby on the couch next to him, he was there so she wouldn't fall, then answered.

"Hello?" He answered over the phone.

"Calling for Jason Todd?" The voice said.

"Thats me." He replied.

"I'm sorry to say but (Y/N) (L/N) passed away at 8:31 p.m., you may come here to see her and say your goodbyes." The doctor said. It was now 9:00 p.m.

Jason didn't know how to respond, so he hung up and threw his phone at the wall, shattering it. He had just seen you an hour ago, he came home to put (D/N) to bed then go back when Alfred arrived to take care of her. He was about to leave to spend the night with you there. That's when the crying came, no one needed an explanation, they understood what happened and started tearing up too. As much as Alfred wanted to cry as well as everyone else he just took (D/N) off the couch so the noise didn't wake her.

When everyone calmed down enough they went to the hospital. Jason brought (D/N) so she could say bye as well even though she doesn't understand. Safe to say that was the worst day of Jason's life, that beats his death, or anything horrible that has happened to him in the past. When they got to your room Jason laid your daughter on your chest that wasn't moving anymore. He laid his head on your shoulder as more tears and quiet sobs came out.

"I'm sorry it has to end this way. I can't believe you're gone, it hasn't set in yet. I love you so fucking much, I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm just so sorry." Jason said to your motionless body.

Jason felt a hand on his shoulder, he looked to see Bruce then turned back in your shoulder. The rest of the night was a blur to Jason, all he knew was he had to raise (D/N) into a queen he knew you would love.

Now it's almost 6 years later and Jason was getting (D/N) ready for school. He was doing her hair, when her hair was starting to get really long he taught himself how to do it. With the help of Kori, Barbara and YouTube videos, mostly YouTube because Kori and Babs didn't have hair like her so he got a lot of help from YouTube. It was definitely a trial and error type of thing.

But he did it, damn he was good too. He learned how to braid and how to slay dam edge's. He also is definitely teaching (D/N) how to embrace her curl's and love who she is. She's so much like you it's crazy, Jason has definitely cried over that many times but would never admit it.

"Okay, go look in the mirror." He told her as he picked her up off of the bar stool she was sitting on. They walked to the bathroom. "Do you like it?"

"I look so pretty." She said.

"Yes you do, like the queen you are." Jason told her. He was going to make her the most confident and independent woman you ever did see.

"Daddy, do you think mommy would like it?" She asked, the question stunned him for a minute but he composed himself.

"Yes, she would've loved it, almost as much as she loves you." Jason would never admit it but he almost cried.

"I wish she was here." She said, about to cry as well.

"Me too pumpkin," He sighed and picked her up them placed her on the bathroom counter by the sink. "But mommy wouldn't want us to be sad, she would want you to be happy, and you got me and I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, I love you." She told him.

"I love you too. Now, how about we get you to school?" He asked her.

She nodded and hopped on the countertop to get her shoes. Slipping them on she asked her dad to tie them for her, he did and grabbed her bag. Walking out the door he made sure he had everything then locked the apartment door. She held his hand as they walked down to Jason's car. She was really small so she had a booster seat that she knew how to do, Jay waited for her to finish before driving off.

In the car they started talking about random things, like all the friends she's going to play with today and what Jason gave her for lunch etc.

"Your like my own hair dresser." (D/N) told him which made him chuckle.

"I like personal hairstylist better." Jason said as he stopped outside of her school. "Okay, let's walk you in."

So she unhooked her seat belt and got out of her seat just as Jay opened her door. Once again grabbing his hand to walk her inside. Getting to her class she, Jason crouched down to hug and kiss her.

"Bye daddy." She said.

"Bye, have fun, okay?" He told her smiling.

She nodded and ran in the class, Jason watched her put her bag in her cubby then go sit on the rug with everyone else that was there. Jason looked and smiled one last time before walking back to his car. He had to go to the manor for some vigilante stuff, he had stopped missions and only patroled sometimes so he could take care of (D/N). He did help with behind the scenes stuff sometimes too.

When he pulled up to the manor he just walked in the door and down to the cave. Tim's face was in his computer as always, Dick and Damian were sparring, Babs was on her laptop looking through case files, Alfred and Bruce were at the Batcomputer looking at something.

"Hey jaybird, how's it going?" Dick asked.

"As well as it can." Jason responded.

That made everyone look at him.

"Where's (D/N)?" Tim asked finally pulling his face out his screen.

"School." Jason told him.

"What day is it?" Tim looked at the date.

"It's Tuesday. When was the last time you looked at the date?" Dick asked.

"Saturday, I think. Friday maybe?" Tim said.

"If you got you face out if your screen you might actually have a sense of time, Drake." Damian said.

"Yeah, Yeah demon." Tim shot back.

The case wasn't to tricky to solve but it was a league case so we had to talk to them over the phone. Then they were coming to Gotham because it wasn't safe to discuss it over the phone. Bruce was about to insist that he'll come to the watchtower but they hung up. Noticing what time it was Jason had to pick up (D/N).

"I have to get (D/N) from school." Jason announced going upstairs.

"Are you coming back?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah, she would kill me if she found out I came here without her then didn't bring her." Jason chuckled.

A noise no one has heard from him in a long time. It put a small smile on Bruce's face, he was getting soft in his older years. Especially with (D/N) since she was his first grandchild, Dick and Babs didn't have kids yet, Tim and Cass (wondergirl) were really young still and Damian and Raven were also really young. (Y/N) just happened to get pregnant and it wasn't planned, that's how that happened.

Jason drove to the school and walked to her class. She already had her bag and was waiting for him. But her hair was all over the place, one bun was out the other falling and the back had grass in it and was all frizzy. Jason suspected she was rolling in the grass.

"Hey princess." Jason said to her.

"You said I was a queen." She told him.

"You are a queen," Jason picked her up "But you're my princess."

"You're silly, dad." She giggled.

"Also, what happened to your hair?" Jason asked her. She shrugged. "Okay, we are going to the manor because daddy has some stuff to do, but do you want me to fix your hair?"

"Can you fix my hair in the," she stopped looked around to make sure no one was there then whispered. "Batcave?"

"Sure." Jason chuckled.

He walked back to the car and they both got buckled up for the drive to the manor. Once they arrived they once again went straight to the Batcave. The league was there but (D/N) didn't care and immediately ran to Bruce, he was talking so she quickly and quietly set in his lap waiting for him to be done. Once he was she said 'hi' and gave him a hug, The JL already knew about her so it wasn't surprising to see her. What was surprising to them was the fact Bruce smiled at her.

She greeted everyone else while Jason went to get her hair stuff that they'd left over here. Alfred had put it in Jason's old rooms bathroom for them. They're was a paddle brush, wide tooth comb and some products to keep the frizz down and a spray bottle with water in it. When Jason got back down there (D/N) was already sitting on a stool waiting. Dick wasn't to far either, so they were talking about stuff.

"What's going on with your hair there?" Dick asked her.

"I was playing." Was her response.

"I picked her up like that, I have know idea how it happened." Jason told him.

He got up behind her and started fixing the mess of hair she had.

"How do you want your hair?" Jay asked her.

"Can you put it up, I'm hot." She said.

"I can do that." Jason said.

So he did a bun so it was off her neck and shoulders.

"You're really good at that." Flash said surprised.

"I better be after doing it for over 5 years." Jason replied as (D/N) got off the stool.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." She told him.

"Oh come this way Miss, (D/N). I have some cookies upstairs waiting for you." Alfred said after over hearing her and grabbed her hand walking her upstairs.

Jason watched them with a small smile as his gathered up all the hair stuff to put back upstairs later. The league had a few questions about things but Jason didn't bother answer any. He was just helping them get filled in on the part of the case he worked on. After a little bit he went upstairs to put the hair stuff away and check on (D/N).

"So spooky, where's his baby momma?" Green Lantern (Hal) asked.

"(Y/N) was her name, she was in a fatal car accident 8 months after (D/N) was born. Automatically leaving Jason with his daughter and having to play both roles." Bruce told them.

"That's rough, dude." Flash said (Wally)

"It is, Jason is sensitive to that topic so don't ask him about it. Especially in front of (D/N)." Bruce said. His voice was very demanding so they didn't want to test that.

"Yeah, don't do that unless you want to be shot." Tim chuckled.

"Would he do that to us?" Wonder Woman asked.

"He would, if you haven't noticed he doesn't taken to you guys ver well." Damian said. Then mumbled "Although you imbeciles probably wouldn't notice."

Superman heard but didn't know how to respond. He thought about saying something but realized it would probably get him insulted further.

"Yeah, you guys really get on his bad side." Dick confirmed. "Jason has been through hell and back, literally, and he feels like y'all treat him like any other criminal. Except you don't take him in."

"We do because he is." Wonder Woman said.

"Jason is a good man who's made some bad mistakes. He doesn't even put his mask on nearly as much as he used to. That changed when (Y/N) died." Barbara told them.

The League went quiet to process what the bats just said. But shortly after Jason and his daughter came back downstairs, they came to say bye because they had to go home. They said bye and (D/N) gave everyone a hug, including the league. Getting in the car they drove home. Once they got home and went inside they hung out for like an hour.

"What do you want for dinner, pumpkin?" Jason asked her.

"Ummm, pizza." She said excitedly.

"I guess we could, we haven't had it in awhile. Can you get my phone out of the kitchen?" He asked, she nodded and walked to go get it.

When she came back with his phone he ordered the pizza and waited for it to be delivered. When the knock came he went to the door to get it. He told (D/N) to get 2 paper plates from the kitchen, when she came back she placed them on the coffee table.

"Can we watch a movie?" She asked.

"What movie do you want to watch?" Jason replied.

"Frozen." She set down on the couch and Jason put her plate with pizza on her lap and went to turn the movie on.

After he put it on he joined her on the couch with his own plate and watched the movie too. Once they were both finished and so was the movie Jason got (D/N) all clean and ready for bed. She had her favorite pair of pajamas that consisted of blue cupcakes shorts and a short sleeve shirt with a cupcake on it. Jason read her a story, it was 'Brown bear Brown bear', after that was done he kissed her goodnight and left. He came to check later to see she was sleeping super peacefully.

What a perfect end to the day.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Okay, I was going to post this earlier today but I fell asleep lol. I really hope you like it.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #226

“i couldn't take my eyes off her, but that's not what i took off that night.”

So, how are you doing today? I'm mostly fine, I guess. I'm sooooo sleep-deprived from these damn night terrors, so it has me pretty moody. Then I'm bummed as all fuckhell that Sara and I can't be together on our anniversary. What is the last song that you had on repeat? I think it waaaas... "Idiosyncrasy" (it took me five million attempts to spell that right) by Korn. Are you a hedonist/masochist/in between? Neither. The best musical performance you’ve been to? I've only ever seen Alice Cooper, but it was WICKED. He did his signature decapitation illusion (how the fuck does that even work??), and the last song (it was a fucking amazing cover of "Another Brick In The Wall") had INCREDIBLE theatrics. I loved it. Who is your favorite drummer? *shrugs* Your favorite guitarist? Idk, really. Maybe Zakk Wylde. A vocalist with the best voice? Freddie Mercury's voice is so versatile and chill-inducing, Amy Lee is an obvious answer, Patrick Stump's voice is just so goddamn sexy, as is Brendon Urie's, as well as wide in vocal range. Do you have a band yourself? Maaaan, that'd be dope. But no. Do you write poetry or song lyrics? I used to write poems aaaaaall the time (y'know, the "I'm 14 and this is deep" kind), and I've actually really wanted to for a while now, but idk about what. Plus my word-weaving capability has drastically declined, so all I'd do is get mad. Your best memories: Meeting Sara, SARA'S FUCKING FACE WHEN SHE SAW ME IN HER BEDROOM ON HER LAST BIRTHDAY OH MY FUCKING GOD, a novel of things with Jason, seeing meerkats at the zoo for the first time, THE DAY GOD NOTICED ME THROUGH A GIF I WORKED WAY TOO HARD ON (I couldn't sleep for three days, and I wish I was kidding), uhhhh. A lot. Your worst memories: The night of the breakup, absolutely and entirely. Nothing compares. It was a slow, paralyzing trauma (don't get pissy about me using that word "as an exaggeration," it was diagnosed as such years ago) that entirely put me into an actual state of shock. I wish that night on absolutely nobody. No one. Funniest thing you've ever seen an animal do? Maaaaan, I could tell you a lot. Probably inarguably the funniest was Ginger (ex's beagle) WITHOUT FAIL losing her shit with jealousy or SOMETHING whenever she noticed Jason and I were doing anything that involved affection without her. That dog would LOSE IT with barking, tail wagging, and climbing all over him, and it was never not funny to see this fatass little dog turn into a living cockblock lmfao. OH YEAH then our late boxer Cali could be baited into howling if you did it sometimes. It was so, so cute. She'd always look so confused but do it anyway. I'm sure there're others; I've grown up with pets my whole life, but those are the only two that come to me now. What is on your mind? I wanna see Sara. Could you ever cheat on your significant other? I physically couldn't stand myself if I ever did. No. Ever been so disgraced that you had homicidal thoughts? Wow no. If so, whom did you wish to assassin? I mean I've talked about Ashley (not my sister) before, but they weren't seriously "homicidal." I wasn't going to actually do anything. If you wish to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? I don't wish it, but let's say I was. Some form of artist. ... Wait, I do want that. Errrmmm OH! A serious wildlife conservator. Do you think humanity is going downhill? Duh. What was the last thing you threw at someone? I have no clue. Do you ever want to be prom queen/king? I didn't care. Have you ever ran from the police? I'd prefer to stay out of jail. Are you afraid of clowns? No. Have you ever written on someone’s face in your yearbook? Ha ha yeeeaaah... When was the last time you made dinner? me?????? cook????????????? huh?????????????? Do you have any special plans coming up? I'm shooting my sister's gender reveal Sunday. :') Ash and her husband don't know the gender, so I am so fucking excited to see their reactions. Who do you want to be buried next to? Please don't bury me and just take up space. Cremate me and scatter the ashes somewhere, or do SOMETHING meaningful and creative. What is your favorite fish? Like... to eat? I haven't tried very much, but I liked striper forever and ever ago. If you mean visually, probably betta fish. Have you ever won a gold medal? Probably with kid stuff. Do you have any trophies? Also as a kid for A honor roll, as well as dance and sports overall. Do you work out? Oops no. When you introduce yourself, do you give hand shakes? It depends on who I'm talking to. Is there a limit to how many best friends you have? No? Do you have any hickeys on you? Bitch a girl can wish. Do you have the strength to say goodbye forever? Been there, finally done that. Will you talk to the person you like tonight? I talk to her every day throughout the day. Who did you last share a bed with? Sara. Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone? Sara or Mom. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What are you listening to right now? I'm not actually listening to anything, but "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac is BURIED into my head rn. What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider? I've never tried to latter actually, but I'd probably still prefer hot chocolate, anyway. Do you make wishes at 11:11? No; I don't believe in that stuff. I have a friend who posts JUST "11:11 <3" or something like that every night on FB, and while it shouldn't, it annoys the fuck out of me. No one cares. Ever been on a golf cart? Yeah. Do you get blizzards where you live? No, never to the point where "blizzard" fits. What’s a biblical truth that you struggle with? lmao When was the last time you did something rebellious? *shrugs* Do you rebel against God a lot? I can genuinely say I don't give a fuck if I do or don't. Do you consider yourself creative? Very. What’s an old hobby that you want to pick back up? Sigh, reading. Do you ever read books to a pet? No. That seems without real purpose... and this is coming from me, an animal worshiper, just about. Like, you know they genuinely have no clue what you're saying or doing, and I highly doubt they're gonna stay still and look at the pictures. Do you have any pets? Two dogs, a cat, a rat, and a snake. What was the theme of your childhood bedroom? It didn't have a set theme. Partially because I grew up with the same room as my little sister, and we had very different interests. What color was your nursery as a baby? I have zero clue. Did I even have a proper nursery??? What was the last surgery you had? Getting a cyst above my asscrack removed lmaoooo. What’s something you prefer to keep private? Sexual history. I am very, very shy talking about that kind of stuff. Who is someone you look up to? *sobs "fischfuck" at the top of my lungs* As a child, did you have people you admired? STEVE IRWIN WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EMOTIONAL DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you good at prioritizing? Eek... I'm unsure, to be honest. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? fuckin' Halloween hoe. Which holiday or season has the best decorations in stores? Soooo Halloween decor=room decor for me tbh lol. Who’s the prettiest YouTuber you watch? She doesn't have her own active YT channel anymore, but Suzy Hanson (GameGrumps' Arin's wife) is a fucking goddess. Oh, and while I've never watched her channel, I've seen Hannah Hart on GMM quite a few times, and she's actually one of my first signals that I wasn't straight because I definitely felt attracted to how naturally beautiful she is. What’s the most shocking thing that’s occurred in your life lately? Finding out my grandma has terminal cancer. How’s the weather been at your part of the world in the past week? It's been fucking hot. Thursday was the hottest October day in NC history, peaking at 100. Disgoostiiiiiing. Have you given something up recently? (for ex., candy, red meat etc.) Uhhhh well, this is semi-recently, I guess: I entirely stopped going to Chick-fil-a in protest of higher-ranking business employees or whatever supporting/making donations to anti-LGBT cults, especially conversion "therapy." What’s the worst thing about autumn? "How fleeting it is. I never feel like I get properly immersed in the experience. I blink and the leaves are gone and Thanksgiving is here and Christmas is right around the corner." <<< Perfect description. What is something you enjoy doing, even if you’re not very good at it? Drawing portraits, maybe. Do you work hard for your money? I don't have a job, never have had a stable one. However, on the occasion I'm hired to take pictures, I. Try. Really. Hard. What’s a song that most people interpret entirely wrong? "Mama I'm Coming Home" by Ozzy Osbourne was first to come to mind; reasonably, people tend to think the song is about his mother, but it's rather about his wife. Calling your wife that is apparently some English petname. When’s the last time you had cake? Wow, idk, actually. I think my niece mighta had some for her birthday in June? I know my nephew had cupcakes. Yeah, I think it was her b-day. Have you ever made your own soda from scratch? I have not. How about your own jam? No. Or pickled something? No. Did you grow anything in your garden this year? No, we don't have one. Or did someone give you something they grew in theirs? No. What’s the most romantic gift anyone’s given to you? Uhhhhhhhhhh idk. Do you like woolly socks? If so, do you ever make your own? NO, especially when you put sneakers over them or something. They feel so constricted. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? A laptop that needs to be replaced, gah. Or fixed. I have a pure black crack and blob stretching across the left side of my screen that is super distracting and obscuring, and the right side of the top half is cracked along the side; I have duct tape to help keep it closed. Otherwise it's a fine laptop, though. Oh wait, and the apostrophe key is missing, so I have to hit the plastic pressure thingy that's easy to miss. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? No. If so, who has been your favorite contestant on AGT? My favorite ever was Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. Still have some of his covers on my iPod. Prince Poppycock is also my gay uncle that I would die for. What chore are you behind on? I need to dust my room good lort. Have you ever broken your phone screen? No, actually. Have you ever broke your computer screen? Well, refer to earlier question. I don't know if it's technically "broke," just damaged (it's not an actual scratch, btw; it's beyond the exterior screen). I need to take it somewhere to fix it ahhhhh. What department store do you shop at the most? Wal-Mart. Do you normally use the self-checkout or the regular checkout? Depends on how much we have. If it's just a handful or so, we just go do it ourselves. Which friend will be in your heart no matter what happens between you two? Sara, Megan. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. OH SHIT NO WAIT, I THINK a friend and I may have wandered into Spencer's once when we were "too young." Or maybe we just got ID'd. Idk, idr. What was the stupidest mistake of your life? Turning a person into my sole source of "real" happiness, giving my entire soul to a flawed human being, being naive about love, all that jazz. Have you ever unfriended a sibling on social media? Well, she unfriended me. We're friends again now tho I think I pissed her off again. Oops. Do you watch Niki and Gabi on YouTube? If yes, which twin is your favorite: Niki or Gabi? I've heard of 'em, but don't know anything about/watch them. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. The Handmaid's Tale is now right behind it. What do you want for your birthday this year? My '19 birthday has already passed, but if you mean like, my next one, idk. Maybe a new phone considering mine is GODawful with so many problems. Alllllthough I'm entirely aware I'll be putting a tattoo first, so... it depends on what I have, ha ha. Do you like rock music? Yep. What is the most beautiful landscape you have ever seen? MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!!!! What do you usually take for headaches? Advil/Ibuprofen. Have you ever switched doctors because of mistreatment? Or moreso carelessness and immeasurable ignorance masked by over-confidence. Do you film or record your doctor’s appointments? ??????????????????????????????? Can you even do that?????????????????? Which accomplishment are you most proud of yourself for? So, this kinda depends. I'm most likely to say "recovery," but I honestly give almost all credit to my psychiatrist and therapists. So I don't usually see *me* as playing a big role in it. Idk. So other days I'll say way more confidently graduating in the top 10% of the graduating class as a senior. Do you feel like you’ve accomplished anything yet with your life? Well yeah. What is your favorite medication that you take, and why? The combination I take of Vraylar + Lamictal due to how they interact and being massively responsible for me being stable. What is your favorite vitamin, and why? Do people???????????? have fave vitamins????????????????? List 5 people you know who have never been mean to you. Uh. I think Connie is it out of the people I know well/have known for a long time, lol. Would you rather do a craft project or a science experiment? s c i e n c e  b i t c h Do you say garbage, trash, rubbish, or something else? "Trash," usually. Which Bratz doll was your favorite? I didn't have a favorite. Which Barbie doll was your favorite? ^ Which American Girl doll was your favorite? I don't remember. Do you decorate Mason jars? No, but I find them veeeeeery pretty when decorated well. What color band and stone does your class ring have? I didn't get one. Can you see the mountains from where you live? No, I wish... What is your favorite Lisa Frank character? angel!!!!!!!!!!!! KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you believe in the power of prayer? Not in the slightest. What color eyes does the person you like/love have? Are they pretty? A beautiful brown. Obviously if I call them beautiful. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon cries. I never really like... showed just how much though. Looking back on when I was a kid, I took embarrassment poorly even then. Other girls thought I was weird for bringing a Psyduck plushy with me to school everyday, everyone in pre-k looked at me like "huh" when I brought my little Snorlax plush in for show-and-tell, I came to a point of only watching it when my sister was asleep, I was too scared to ask for the games, and- jfc okay I'm actually realizing I need to go back to therapy to talk about how deep my AvPD truly is rooted oops lmao. Do you eat chili when you get a hot dog, or do you like it plain? Chili is disgusting. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None got to the point of me feeling *actually* drunk. I've only ever been tipsy. When was the last time you acted really immature? *shrugs* Can you rely on one or more people to take up for you? Yeah, a few. When is the last time you sat around a campfire? I don't have a clue. Is there an important event coming up at your school? I think? It's some event all freshmen have to attend to all damn day and I'm not looking forward to it. It's for a good cause, but. It's gonna be a drag and I've had two incidents this school year of once collapsing and just last week almost fainting and vomiting just from the heat. Do you have a back-up career choice? What is it? Something with writing, I guess. Well, I ideally want to be a professional photographer but also a zoologist, but if photography goes absurdly well (this is incredibly unlikely, I know, but it's doable), I may not aim for a zoologist career, but get the necessary degree for it as back-up. I want an unquestionably stable back-up choice. My minor is Journalism, so like I mentioned up top, yeah, if things really go shitty, something in writing is an option. Would you ever get caught with a fake ID? No. Do you think religion justifies treating people unequally? I don't see the supposed "rationality" in this at all. No. Are men more attractive with longer or shorter hair? I guess it depends on the person, but I think I'm generally more attracted to men with longer hair. What color was the ink of the last pen you used? Black. Is there a name that you hear and cringe? I can't really say "cringe," but without fail, it's obvious who and what I think of the moment I hear the name "Jason," and it always causes this dull pain in my chest. What color are your dad’s eyes? They're dark brown. When you were a kid, was there a boy/girl that you said you were going to marry? No. Is your favourite TV show very popular? That '70s Show is, and Fullmetal Alchemist is among anime fans, at least. I don't think too many people know about Meerkat Manor, but I know it was and possibly still is Animal Planet's highest-grossing series, so it sure was big for viewers of that channel. What are you absolutely determined to do? Become at least a semi-successful photographer, make a great life with Sara, support my mom one day like she always has me, mostly overcome anxiety, photograph and touch a habituated meerkat of the KMP... a handful of things. Where would you rather be from? Somewhere in the U.S. that's not a homophobic, racist, gun-fucking, Bible-thumping cesspit of closed-minded shits. I love NC. How often do you play sports? Never. What website do you visit most often? YouTube. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics. What are some things you’ve had to unlearn? I stopped this as a young teenager, but I know I was one of those kids who used "retarded" as a substitute for "stupid." I absolutely hate that shit. I also had to unlearn uhhhh... man, I know there's a lot, I'm just blanking right now. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should? *shrug* Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? Interesting to me personally, Chicago. Cities that massive are foreign to me. What fad or trend do you hope comes back? Scene fashion was art, don't @ me. What’s the best way to start the day? SLEEPY CUDDLES W/ YOUR S/O. What kind of art do you enjoy most? Man, idk. I love art so much. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? That's a good question. What is the most heartwarming thing you’ve ever seen? Literally today/yesterday when I watched the secret stream Mark did of gathering viewers to anonymously destroy random but small Twitch streamers' charity goals & he was too motivated and inspiring & everyone was so fucking confused but thankful and it was literally the most inarguably Chaotic Good thing I have ever borne witness to. For three hours I couldn't stop fucking smiling. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? Hell if I know. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? lol guess How do you relax after a hard day of work? I don't work. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? TV show? 13 Reasons Why is a hell no. The Human Centipede I wouldn't watch over my dead fucking body. Where would you spend all your time if you could? All my time? Idk. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? Improving the world. What’s the most interesting piece of art you’ve seen? I couldn't even try to answer that question. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? I dunno, probably a lot. Maybe food? Ensure it's safe, at least. What is the luckiest thing that has happened to you? Not flipping over in the wreck we got in when I was a kid, probably. All factors of it considered, we were told flipping would have been far more likely than my mom managing to keep us on four wheels. What are some small things that make your day better? Multiple things. Sara feeling positive, I'm fucking awful so having a yummy soda gives me a measly drop of Serotonin, I love seeing Venus come out of her rock to wander around, finding a new song to become utterly addicted to is great, cool weather outside... things like that. I'm sure there's more. What one thing do you really want but can’t afford? REALLY want? A trip to South Africa. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? Uhhh idk. Otep, I suppose. As a band, anyway. She's actually the QUEEN of bigoted bitches. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? N/A What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? Oh, idk. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? Still a photographer. Have you ever saved someone’s life? No. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve learned? People can tell you they'll always be there and still leave in the blink of an eye. What’s something you are self-conscious about? Unconventional interests/hobbies and my body. Have you ever given to any charities? Yes. What was the best compliment you’ve received? Idk. What’s the most immature thing that you do? Not gonna lie, I can act bratty if I don't get something I SERIOUSLY want. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? None, really. What have you created that you are most proud of? A novel of very developed and deep RP characters over the years. What do you regret not doing or starting when you were younger? Learning German. As you get older, what are you becoming more and more afraid of? Mom dying. Being independent. In what situation or place would you feel the most out of place in? Most out of place? Would, like not one I've actually experienced? Uhhh idk. An orgy lmao.

[befitandchase]

I just... can’t... today

My anxiety has been off the charts for the past 4 hours.

I turned on my laptop for the first time in over a week to go over resume suggestions that one of my wonderful followers sent me and it just hit me like getting slammed into a brick wall at over 100mph. My heart rate jumped, I began to hyperventilate, and I started shaking. I gave it ten minutes max thinking it would end soon, but then I got a text from my sister:

“Mom and dad are bringing over lunch in a few minutes.”

Guys, let me tell you, the last time I experienced panic like that, it was right after my accident and it basically paralyzed me for several hours straight, to the point where someone needed to be near me physically in order for me to calm down.

I have no idea how I managed to move, let alone have a full on lunch with my family feeling the way I did. The worst part was having to discuss job hunting because my parents won’t stop hounding me about getting a job with benefits. And then my sister chimed in with “well, why don’t you go into a completely different field?”

Um... no. I haven’t been paying back student loans for the past 13 years in order to go into another field! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely LOVE to be a forecaster for the NWS, but that’s not gonna happen because I don’t have a BS. I have a BA from a prestigious art school where I graduated with honors. I’m not about to change fields after I’ve been designing for 17 years. (I started working as a designer the second I got out of high school, picking up not only my computer skills, but also necessary production skills for any graphic designer to have if they’re working in print.)

I wanted to fall apart after that. Thankfully, at that point, everyone decided to start working on chores outside, leaving me the hell alone, but that did nothing to abate my anxiety. Instead, I felt like even more of a mess. I felt useless. Like I couldn���t do anything at all to help out so I tried to keep Mocha calm and quiet while my dad did some electrical work in the living room.

My parents left about 45 minutes ago and as they were leaving, my BIL said something that really pissed me off about my responsibilities and I basically told him “Don’t start with me.”

I now have the headache from hell and my anxiety is nowhere near stopping. I just wanna curl up and cry. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. And I just flat out don’t feel well.

I’m so sick of everyone asking so much from me and giving so little back. To add to all my anxiety, I got a call yesterday from my boss’s husband. He started out by saying “this is between you and me. Don’t tell anyone else about this.” And I’m automatically thinking, “am I finally getting that well deserved raise?!” Nope. “How do you turn off a Mac?”

Are you fucking kidding me? I have literally been on my feet all week doing production work, cutting paper, fixing the god damn printer after it went down, coming up with a creative solution to stop it from breaking down, and doing design work on top of that... WHERE THE FUCK IS MY RAISE?!

And don’t even get me started on the hiring of the other store’s graphic designer to “help” me. I’m not dissing her. She’s cool and actually stood up for me when Bitchass was about to blame me for a customer’s mistake. But if I’m doing over 75% of the hard labor on top of my actual job, I honestly think I should be compensated fairly. This girl is fresh out of college and only works on Macs. She doesn’t know how to do any of the production or how to use all of the Adobe Creative Suite. And I’m just

She knows a few tricks I don’t, but the majority of design stuff is all me. 17 years worth of expensive both self taught and schooled into me and I’m only making $17 an hour.

I’m beyond irritated. I’m beyond angry. I’m just numb and full of anxiety that makes my jaw hurt from clenching it so hard and grinding my teeth. I can’t keep going like this. I can’t keep being the low man on the totem pole. I should be at the top of my game right now, but I’m just a loser stuck at a dead end job. I’ve been that loser for almost 10 years now, and I feel like I’m stuck.

Wow, so this rant went off the rails, but it was cathartic to let it out. Unfortunately the headache remains, but the anxiety has lessened to a dull ache in my chest.

I’m going to try and edit this resume and hopefully start sending it out this evening while my sister and BIL have their date night.

[paintpencilink]

But wait, there's more!!!

Firefox Focus

An entire version of the Firefox browser that you can get as an app. It's basically private browsing but better. It dumps your session's internet history and cookies and stuff every time you close the app, and it does a lot to keep you from being tracked.

I'm a writer and when I need to search weird shit like "how to detect police gps trackers on your car," I use Firefox Focus.

I also use...

DuckDuckGo

There's a search engine called DuckDuckGo that doesn't collect your data at all either.

There's a few ads to keep it running, but they're targeted based on the search you're doing at the time and not based on trackers that follow you around the whole ass internet

DDG has no frickin clue who you are and that's how they like it, and that's how you should like it too.

the only time you'll notice duckduckgo being worse than google is for local maps and stuff because it uses yahoo maps integration or smth. But let's be real, you already have the google maps app on your phone anyway, so just use that for this one thing.

...and if you're an overachiever, upgrade to Linux Mint while you're at it.

Linux Mint

Use this instead of (or alongside) Windows. Yes, you can have both on one computer.

it's easy to use, I have both my parents using Linux

it doesn't force updates

its updates don't break your computer when you do install them

it doesn't artificially slow down your machine on purpose to try to get you to update

(or to convince you that the updates are making your computer faster, when it's windows' fault everything is slow in the first place)

I installed it on my mom's laptop alongside windows, and she gets mad if she ever has to boot into her windows partition instead because it's so much slower

the cinnamon desktop interface is really clean and pretty

no frickin ads in your start menu

no frickin microsoft spying on you all the damn time

notes on the software thing with Linux

the only big problem you will run into is with certain software being only available for mac or windows; this can be fixed with virtual machines or by using a dual boot setup, both of which sound more complicated than they are

some people also use WINE (windows emulator) but I don’t have that much experience with it personally

because actually a lot of the software you're used to has BETTER open source alternatives

libreoffice > microsoft office, inkscape > adobe illustrator, krita and/or gimp > photoshop, and all of them are faster, usually easier to use, and FREE

a surprising number of steam games and other software now run on linux mint, ubuntu, and debian--pick one of those 3 you'll be fine

your games will probably run better too because linux is more efficient with the hardware in general

seems that Chrome has around 60-65% market share, so it’s not totally dominating the market yet but it’s worrying that we’re basically reliant on Apple and Microsoft to hold the line.

[kennedyao-blog]

My technological imperative

It’s 2006, I’m sitting in a computer lab watching a caterpillar jump from one letter to another, the teacher comes over and places a piece of white poster board over my hands. I’ve been cheating, I was looking at my fingers while also trying to match the letters to the caterpillar. It’s computer class and our grade are based off whether or not we can keep our fingers on the “home keys.” I’m home now, it’s time to feed my Neopet, my dad’s on the phone though, I hope my Neopet hasn’t died yet. I finally got online, my AIM pops up, my friends are online—we discuss how terrible computer class is; my Neopet is fed, time to fix my Myspace page. Its 2006 and my generation is great at coding HTMLs because Myspace is what’s important to us all. Its 2009, Facebook is all the rage, thank god I don’t have to spend hours coding and we no longer have dial up, I have a flip phone and have just gotten unlimited texting, we no longer type words out, now it’s only “brb, g2g, ttyl.” It’s all about PowerPoint, until about 2011 when I discovered Prezi, now we can make things zoom out and zoom in and whoosh through without having to click a bunch of buttons in PowerPoint. Its 2012 and I get my first laptop, it’s a refurbished Dell laptop, it runs out of storage so now I need a portable hard drive to keep room. Its 2013 and my laptop dies, I get a brand new one that has the capability of a split screen. It’s 2017 and I finally get a MacBook Pro, I have no idea what to do on this thing, I didn’t even know what to do on my Dell, I’ve spent a year just clicking around on my Mac trying to figure out what the buttons feel do. My email addresses have gone from aim emails, to a comcast, to a google and now an Akron one; from dancergrl@aim.comto punkgirl@comcast.netto kaocows@comcast.netto now kennedyano7and kao34. I still am trying to learn what the excess buttons are at the bottom of the emails—I barely know how to send an attachment let alone full-blown pictures in the email.

Its 2006, we’re goofing off in computer class trying to draw pictures via the computer, the mouse doesn’t move in a circle. Its 2009, and now you just click a square to color its in. Its 2012 there are apps for everything, now you can just download a coloring app. Its 2019 and now coloring books are back, except there created for cuss words and jokes now. I don’t understand how apps work at all— like the “notes” section on your phone, I still don’t understand how that works. What buttons are you supposed to click when you want to create a new note/send a new note/save a new note. Now I’m just trying to figure out how to use MacBook Pro to just do my regular everyday work.

           I tried to use Arbonne to make some extra something on the side with a new kid, but that needs so much technology I have no clue what I got into—none of it makes sense. Now I need to create something to house all my projects for this class? How am I supposed to do that? Aren’t millennials supposed to be able to do anything and everything technology related, am I even a millennial? I stopped trying to use Instagram to advocate for Arbonne, how does Instagram even work?

           Its 2019, it’s all about Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and I have no idea how anything actually works. What is technology, there’s so many issues with WIFI I’d rather go back to dial up, at least then I knew the reason it wasn’t working was because someone picked up the phone and tried to make a phone call. All that mumbo-jumbo about WIFI not working because their working on lines or the cable needs to be restarted, it’s just too much. I’m about to be 25 years old and I still don’t understand how Microsoft Word even works.

           Its 2006 and I just learned how to change the color on my away message for AIM, it’s all set up so that when someone messages me they get my message. Its 2009 and I’m just learning how to setup Facebook. Its 2013 and I just discovered how to add people from my new dorm room onto my Facebook. Its 2019 and apparently you can change the color of your twitter page from light to dark, change your MacBook from light to dark. I even learned how to get my WIFI setup nicely. Its 2019 and I’m still trying to get used to Brightspace, Springboard was a lot easier to use than Brightspace. Why does everything have to be so complicated.

           Its 2006 and you’ve never heard of buying things online. Its 2009 and online Amazon shopping is popular. Its 2012 and I just purchased majority of my dorm room things online. I just signed up for Amazon Prime. Everything came within two days, this is amazing—you used to have to wait for weeks for your items and at that point you completely forgot what you bought. Its 2019 and now I can have everything the next day, or even pick the day I want to have things sent to me. Online shopping makes more sense to me than setting up a website—I can even program Amazon to one-click where I don’t have to use any information and can just click a button.

           Its 2006 and my mini iPod shuffle has music from LimeWire on it. I don’t know what song is going to appear because it doesn’t have a screen but it’s still pretty cool. Its 2009 and I have a flip phone, my iPod shuffle and my Walkman! Its 2012 and I have a sliding keyboard phone with an iPod that has a screen! LimeWire isn’t a “thing”anymore—good because half the music I downloaded wasn’t even what I really wanted. I continue to ask for iPod gift cards for every occasion possible, iTunes is expensive. Its 2019 and I have Apple Music, for $10.99 a month I get unlimited anything and everything. I don’t even need to download things anymore, that saves me so much time/effort.

           Its 2006 and technology is basically nonexistent. Its 2009 and Apple is becoming a thing. Its 2012/2013 and now I just have to worry about the University of Akron’s WIFI actually working [it never really worked in the dorms]. Its 2019 and now I can just go up to people at a desk and ask them to help me with my WIFI because it doesn’t work, it’s as simple as just deleting the old WIFI setting and setting it up all over again. We have autosave and an iCloud.

           Its 2006 and I just need a floppy disk to save my work. Its 2009 and we’ve gone from a floppy disk to USB drive, now you just have to make sure your computer is compatible to your USB drive. Its 2013 and I have an external hard drive plugged into my refurbished Dell laptop. Its 2019 and now everything is saved to a “cloud.” Which reminds me of the movie where the people accidentally send the contents of their “cloud” to their whole contact list—is that the danger we face nowadays?

           Its 2006 and you cannot text until after 9pm. Its 2009 and my parents are having me use a pay-as-you-go flip phone in order for me to pay for my own minutes, I just want to be able to text people. Its 2010 and my Samsung flip keyboard doesn’t work. Its 2013 and I have my first iPhone, I’m never going back to Samsung. Its 2015 and I crack my screen, I call my mom crying. Its 2019 and I have to set up AutoPay for my new phone bill service. It asks for the twelfth day of the month, but it’ll be taken out on the fifteenth, I don’t understand how that works. I’m so confused, nothing makes sense. My boyfriend’s father does everything electronically, I still send a check in the mail when it’s time to pay my car.

           Its 2006 and I spend majority of my money on buying DVDs and a portable DVD player for myself. Its 2009 and I illegally downloaded movies off the internet. Its 2013 and my TV has a DVD player in it. Its 2019 and now there’s Netflix, which I’m still learning how to use. I miss Blockbuster. I miss VHS’s, I still don’t know what feeling is worse—a broken VHS tape or scratched up DVD Player, either way I cry when one of them happens.

           Its 2019 and I don’t understand how anything works anymore. Between PowerPoint, iMovie, Microsoft Word, and even Amazon either way when did everything get so difficult? I will be 25 this year, my son is almost four months old, technology makes no sense to me. I can barely figure out the control remote for our TV. Its 2019 and Disney is coming out with a new service with access to movies. Am I still old school for wanting to buy DVDs? Sometimes, when dealing with today’s technology, I ask myself am I 24 or am I 48?

[flameontheotherside]

Pride Is A Raggedy Bitch

Yeah I have a hard time asking for help.

1) I don't like having to get all deep explain personal problems. Just cliffnotes. Keep it simple but if not truthful, it's kind of pointless.

2) My mother had a tantrum any time I asked her for anything so I kind of cringe if I have to ask.

3) I like to do things my way first before others suggestions. Simply because it feels good to have accomplished something on my own and I feel less autistic. I'm very anal about how I want things to look if I'm going to be staring at it for lengths of time. The world is over until its fixed. It drives Vince crazy.

One time I lost all my custom data on WoW because Vince fucked around with it. He wanted to play, I got pissed off because I worked so hard to have my shit the way I liked it. So I was like, ummmm... No I can't play like that. It hurts my eyes. Vanilla hurts my eyes and I have to have it my way. Well it was hiss fucking fault for trying to help and failing at it. Now he had to wait until I could not have a panic attack over how bad it looked. He's Italian so he's inpatient and ignorant. Sorry. Anyway, his fault but of course he had to yell at me for all that too. He doesn't understand how autism works and how my brain is wired differently. He thinks it's bullshit.

Learning how to ask for help.

The one time I should have asked, of course I fucked up my computer. I lost EVERYTHING because of it. Then got chewed out by Vince calling me stupid. You know every time I write about his shitty attitude lately I'm just hating him (and my life) more.

Anyway... So a few times Erik left me hanging to figure out partitioning new disk space. For me is the hardest part because this is where I fucked up my windows. I should have taken the advice some guy had on YouTube. BUT THERE WAS A SIMPLE OPTION TO INSTALL ALONGSIDE THE OTHER OS!! What the fuck... But no, I had to re-install for the 3rd time or idk lost count.

Erik is more of a car person.

I like computer and tech shit. I like building them, customizing the OS up the ass, and customizing parts. If I could I'd build a hackintosh computer with custom parts. Also I like to take old phones and install different OS on them like turn an android in to an apple phone. Actually I'm not sure if that's possible so I'll look in to that.

I took a dell laptop and turned it in to a Mac.

Why do I do it? I like taking shit apart and putting them back together. Who wants to spend 2k+ on a new computer when you can build and customize it for half the cost?! I have all day to fuck around and basically this is what I've been doing. Vince called me a "Crack addict" because I've not been eating - - not intentionally I just forget because I'm busy but I would love tacos! And I have the behavior of someone tweaked out on meth... No, I'm not doing meth (*ahem*... anymore *ahem*) . So I've been hard at work on it happily blasting music from my headset and singing.

I got my old job back. It's cool I guess because I'm working at home again and don't have to put on cake face or wear skirts or dresses to let everyone know I'm not an lesbian... Because I'm totally not. I promise you.

All that's missing are my glasses which I still need to get. Contacts are expensive AF.

😘 💞 💕 ❤️ I love yall!

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and shit. channelingerik.com.

Submit a Twin Flame reading for free at TwinFlameMedium.Com and I provide detailed and lengthy readings starting at $5 per question at Store.TwinFlameMedium.Com

(◕‿◕)♡ Social: Twitter Tumblr Instagram  YouTube

[contactgreys]

App launcher for google drive for mac

#App launcher for google drive for mac for mac#

correctly triggering action shortcuts related to the website you’re on (such as ‘Gmail send this’ or ‘Bookmark this’). At the start of this year, the previous consumer app (Backup and Sync) picked.

#App launcher for google drive for mac for mac#

making sure the shortcuts launched for Google websites are for the same account that you’re currently signed in on, and Google Drive for desktop has now been updated with full support for Mac laptops and desktops with Apple’s M1 chip. replacing the default app launcher on Google shortcuts with G App Launcher, automatically getting the icon for websites you add manually, G App Launcher only uses these permissions for: G App Launcher requires additional permissions which the browser will inform about this on installation or first use. Your shortcuts are accessible through keyboard navigation. This means only you have access to your shortcuts these are never sent to our system.įeel at home with the familiar design based on the original app launcher. Replace the default Google app launcher with this extension to bring your shortcuts with you on Google websites.Ĭarry your personalized launcher across devices with support for browser-based extension sync. Launch shortcuts with the same account as the page you’re currently on. Personalize the launcher with shortcuts of your choice, with many options for layout and appearance. You can also add apps from Google Workspace. Over 1,000 shortcuts are available, including really obscure websites and action-based shortcuts. Open the launcher extension from any page with just a click or through a keyboard shortcut.Īdd any Google website to the launcher or create your own shortcut to sites that you visit often. It opens shortcuts in a new tab so you can stay productive your own way. This is awful for viewing images because phone screens are not that big and now it only shows up on half the screen.G App Launcher helps optimize your workflow by letting you open your most commonly-used websites from the browser toolbar. App Launcher For Google Drive Full Screen Withīut now, not only is the text required but am unable go full screen with an image (and hide the text when tapping on it or rotating my phone). I purposely used this app when searching for images as chrome doesnt display image searches the same. Less than 5 mins later I get an article about him in my feed. The day before writing this, I was talking about Chris Stapleton with my mom since she likes his music. What is starting to really bothering me is the repetitive custom cards that show up in my feed. It helps with so many things I need to do whenever it comes to research for a school project or just looking up the news. I hope its just a bug and can be fixed because I dont want to have to manually switch over every single time I use it, where as before, you did it once and you were set and good to go up until this most recent update. I typically dont like having a search history on because its just too much to clear out once it accumulates and google has allowed me to do that seemlesly for the longest time, but now Ive come across the issue that I have to manually switch browse history off every single time I open the app, because the search Ive done from one prior time, is still on there. If you are enjoying the app, please consider leaving a review or rating. We are always working to make the app faster and more stable. Learn more about what the Google app can do for you: Your feedback helps us create products youll love. Gboard is a keyboard that lets you search and send information, GIFs, emoji, and moreright from your keyboard, in any app.

App Launcher For Google Drive Full Screen With.

Find quick answers, explore your interests, and stay up to date with Discover.Search and browse: Nearby shops and restaurants Live sports scores and schedules Movies times, casts, and reviews Videos and images News, stock information, and more Anything youd find on the web Get personalized updates in Discover: Stay in the know about topics that interest you Start your morning with weather and top news Get real-time updates on sports, movies, and events Know as soon as your favorite artists drop new albums Get stories about your interests and hobbies Follow interesting topics, right from Search results More ways to access Google: Google Lens Search what you see with your camera, copy and translate text, find similar apparel, identify plants and animals, scan QR codes and more.Search Google extension While browsing in Safari, you can share a web page with Google to see suggestions for related contentno need to type anything new in the search box.Tap on the Search Google icon from Safaris share menu to get started.

[inhalareexhalare]

I made a Cheez-It snail. I suppose they were right to close campus today.

It's so darned cold outside. The rain is moderate in volume.

I suppose the long break starts today, then. Office opens next on Monday.

2018-10-30 13:00 Philippines Tuesday

These are the two kids, the nephews of Moira~ I got them hooked to Skullgirls HAHAHA

They like Beowulf now.

The chatty younger one's biting on the Milo sachet while the athletic older one is quietly studying his moves.

They've been using the same tactics, but they're now managing to claim some wins, compared to continuous losses at the beginning. The difference is growing confidence.

I guess psychology also plays a part in games.

To Small Group:

Parang ang dami pala nating pinagdadaanan ah =v= prayer requests, guys?? XD [It seems we're going through a lot of things =v=]

(As for me I'm being anxious about trivial things lately, a side effect from being too engrossed aka hyperanxious with work huhu)

It looks like we won't be able to go to Bulacan this long break :( Karu said the weather doesn't seem to be on our side and he made arrangements with friends.

So sad. On the other hand, I would travel a storm to be on a geographical adventure right now.

I desperately need it. But I can make do with home for now...

2018-10-30 15:00 Philippines Tuesday

OMYGOSH

SLEEPING ALL DAY THROUGH THE BEAT OF THE RAIN

WITH KARU PLAYING GAMES ALL DEIII (He's the gamer. I'm just a film junkie who's curious about anything and everything.)

That's my laptop (I have Windows and he has Mac so we adjust to whichever game or use is more appropriate. We share all our stuff.) and his leg and hand covered parts of it.

It kind of looks like a boat with its sail.

I feel so comfy in this kind of darkness.

I remember countless nights of Ma drinking beer in the dead of the night, watching T.V. with almost zero volume.

She's thoughtful of her sleeping children.

It's the nights when she's most sad and cannot sleep. She goes to our room and does this thing. (There were only two bedrooms: one for the parents and another for the siblings.)

It's the nights when Pa was most likely playing with another girl.

We don't hate Pa as a person though. It seems he has a different understanding of relationships. He has pretty low emotional intelligence to make up for his superb logic. He really does love Ma. The I-want-to-marry-you kind. He even vowed not to marry anyone else. Even after Ma died, he wouldn't marry anyone else.

Despite being terribly emotional, he doesn't understand emotions well. But I think he gets it better now.

I am so happy that everyone is learning everyday. I feel an indescribable sense of pride and joy every time I see Pa interact with my siblings in a more human and emotionally understanding way. (Only with my siblings, because Pa imposed a deal between us not to interact for a whole two years after I left home for independence. He's mighty stubborn, like me. I think it's a test of perseverance and will haha My friends don't get it though and think that he's doing this out of spite. We're a weird species.

Karu thinks it's partly for recovery time. It was a very painful time for Pa when I left, being his secret favorite child.)

I still send him letters and pictures as gifts and he accepts them! :) I told him I understand the deal is still on and so I don't feel offended when he doesn't respond, and he didn't. My beloved stubborn old man.

I heard from my sister about something Pa's girlfriend saw (don't worry, she's awesome. She's sort of psychic, and that's unknown territory to my knowledge, and she's also funny and witty and the very image of a young mom. She retained the personality haha. She has only one daughter, from her divorced husband.)

She found Pa alone in his room on several occasions reading the favorite book I left when I improvised my escape from home. It's the poetry book.

It must have piqued his interest as I barely talked about writing and poetry around him. That's the mistake we all made together.

We never spoke about our inner thoughts and feelings. Everyone in our home is awkward as hell. So introverted. But it ends up that we all can get along after all. :)

It was just came as a shock when big decisions came and we're just finding out what the other person's actual beliefs and philosophy are. The conflict with expected beliefs we thought the other shared with us then created chaos and panic within each of our minds, looking for ways to "fix" the other's "mistakes" to put everything "back to normal".

This is my personal analysis of my family, but I think this is a fairly popular occurrence.

It's important to aim to understand. It's important to never forget we are only human.

2018-10-30 18:23 Philippines Tuesday

So I've been thinking. Kids have a need for love and attention, right? 

Even I do.

But there are times that I want to be left alone. What then of the child?

It's important for them to understand that they can't always get they want and some people need alone time, but I don't want them to feel neglected.

But then I suppose this is nighttime anxiety issue all over again. Ma probably felt the same, and that's why she was always there when I cried at night and couldn't sleep. She always carried me to their room and let me snuggle up with her.

A bad cause for a bad separation anxiety to develop.

Maybe there needs to be a balance, between loving and giving space. Love is freedom after all. There cannot be love without space. Like two pillars. A pillar is hardly good foundation for a wide roof.

But how do I strike that balance?

That's what I'm gonna find out.

2018-10-30 20:07 Philippines Tuesday

THOR AND JOB ALSO GOT HOOKED TO SKULLGIRLS HAHAHA

I get a bit more than sad that Karu doesn't have late nights out with them anymore though.

So I have a new plot idea. I might start doodling some yonkoma thingy.

A ghost girl who dates a vampire who has vampire friends. These blood-hungry folks come out to play at night. But what does a vampire do when his ghost wife gets uncontrollably sad at night? (Maybe that's why there are stories of weeping invisible entities in the darkness lol)

A comic about a ghost who struggles with clumsy anxiety and paranoia nightly. Hm.

She didn't think her anxiety would survive after death.

2018-10-30 22:30 Philippines Tuesday