#also cruising together but i think that counts as a separate song

[realareturns]

Hello :3 random question,

What version of Dreams Dreams is your favourite?

Probably just the original NiD version or the Christmas NiGHTS remix version 🤔

[rheawritessometimes]

Let’s Fall in Love for the Night

{ Kaeya x Reader }

{ Summary } Kaeya keeps you company for the night. A songfic based loosely on Let’s Fall in Love for the Night by FINNEAS.

{ Warnings } Yelling, Alcohol, Intoxication, Kissing, Mild Physical Intimacy, Possible Mild Angst, Swearing, Overuse of Commas.

{ Notes } Can be read as reader being gender neutral, some parts suggest them being a bit feminine, I think it’s just one detail, but just to be safe. Reader is implied to be shorter than Kaeya because this was self indulgent and I forget not everyone is short like me. Kaeya doesn’t wear an eyepatch and both eyes are functional. He said there was nothing wrong with his eye and Kaeya would never lie. Reader also briefly talks about something a little nerdy. Hot by Confetti is also mentioned in this fic, I recommend listening to that and Let’s Fall in Love for the Night, for a better idea of the vibes and also because they’re good songs. The lyrics written in don’t follow the song exactly, I just put them in where I felt they fit. This has not been beta read and it’s my first time ever writing a fanfiction so it’s not very good. Feel free to send me feedback, I’d really like tips on improvement. Seriously, I have no idea what I’m doing. Please let me know if there is anything that should be added to the warnings. Masterlist

{ Word Count } 4,117

It has been a few years now since you’ve gotten to know the Ragnvindr brothers. You had spent a lot of time together with the both of them, more so before the fallout between them. Things had become tense since then, but the friendship you had with each of them was maintained, if a little different now. Now you mostly spent time with the brothers separately, going out with Kaeya and staying in with Diluc. Every once in a while they were able to tolerate each other and you could all hang out for a little while, but it never seemed to last.

It had become somewhat of a tradition for you to go to the club Diluc worked at when he was bartending. The majority of the time, Kaeya would accompany you since Diluc usually worked later into the night than you liked to stay out. It was routine for Kaeya to take you home in Diluc’s stead, not to mention Kaeya could keep a better eye on you than his brother was able to while he was working. In this way, you could still hang out with both of them. Sort of.

Most nights Diluc worked the bar, you were there keeping him company and carrying light-hearted conversation through the night. It was no secret to Kaeya, or anyone who had seen you and Diluc together for that matter, that you had feelings for each other. With the way you got along with Diluc and how you spent most of your time together, Kaeya sensed it was only a matter of time before one of you confessed and made things official.

Kaeya had spent many nights observing you and Diluc in his peripheral, wanting to give you two some space without losing track of you. All those nights and not once had he heard Diluc shout at you like he was now, the menacing tone in his voice. As a matter of fact, he’d never witnessed Diluc yell at you at all. Even with the volume of his shouts, making out Diluc’s words was impossible for Kaeya given the mixture of music and conversation in the club. It didn’t matter to him what was being said anyway.

The way your eyes widened at the outburst and you stepped back away from the bar had Kaeya rising out of his seat. In a few quick strides, he was at your side and leaning over to place his nearly empty glass on the bar. With the intent of driving you home at the end of the night in mind, he’d avoided anything alcoholic, despite his appreciation for such beverages.

He felt you looking up at him once you realized his presence, but his gaze was fixed firmly on Diluc. Still, he threw an arm casually around your shoulder in a subtly protective gesture that caused the redhead to bristle. Kaeya took your lack of negative reaction as a sign of acceptance of the contact.

Kaeya wore a charming smile, but his icy eyes were narrowed at his brother, who fixed him with a withering glare in return. He smirked internally at having so easily gotten under Diluc’s skin. After a short beat passed with neither of the men saying anything, Kaeya looked down at you with a soft expression, eyes suddenly seeming much warmer. Kind of like how he always felt so much warmer around you.

“It’s getting late, darling. Want me to take you home?” he asked with a gentle tone, despite you two having arrived not long ago. He had noticed your eyes were glassy with unshed tears, his heart clenched at the sight, and he wanted to give Diluc a solid punch in the jaw for upsetting you. Asking you to leave was a sure way to piss Diluc off, so that would have to do for now. Ever since you had gotten closer with the man he seemed insistent on keeping you away from Kaeya as much as possible. He hardly tolerated Kaeya even bringing you to the club, even though you only went to spend time with Diluc.

I’m the boy that your boy hoped that you would avoid                            Don’t waste your eyes on jealous guys, fuck that noise.

“Don’t you dare leave with him,” Diluc growled out before you responded, not seeming to care if his raised voice drew the attention of the other patrons at this point. Kaeya could feel you tense under his arm and he clenched his jaw, restraining himself from giving in to his desire to break Diluc’s jaw. Well, maybe breaking it was a little much. A nice bruise would do.

“Yeah, I’m ready to go. Thanks, Kaeya,” you said, voice quiet with a nearly undetectable tremble. You looked up to him and gave a soft smile, but Kaeya would wager by the tension in your expression that the gesture was because you couldn’t bear to look at Diluc. As the angered man opened his mouth to speak, Kaeya turned on his heel and used his grip on your shoulder to quickly sweep you away from the bar and out of the club. He didn’t think you would want to listen to anything else Diluc had to say tonight.

As the cool night air greeted you both, Kaeya pulled you tighter into his side as a gesture of comfort. He cast his glance down to you while you made your way towards his car, but your gaze was focused straight ahead. Your eyes were still glassy, but it didn’t look like you had shed any tears, and your hands were fidgeting slightly, which made him frown.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked gently once you were both inside the vehicle, brows drawn together with concern. At the shake of your head, he simply nodded in understanding. Kaeya hadn’t expected you to want to talk about it, certainly not so soon, but it seemed right to ask just in case.

As soon as the car was cruising comfortably down the road, Kaeya saw you lean forward to mess with the radio. The corners of his mouth quirked upwards at this subtle sign you were feeling a little better. He remained mostly focused on the road and the drive to your house continued without any conversation between you two. It was a comfortable quiet that Kaeya hoped would soothe you.

I like to push my luck                                                                                        So take my hand, let’s take a drive.

“Why don’t we keep driving around for a bit?” he asked after a few minutes, noticing you still had a troubled frown etched on your face as you neared your home. He imagined you were still thinking about what had happened between you and Diluc and he hated the thought of just dropping you off at home and leaving you alone like this.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

Kaeya made an effort to keep to roads he knew didn’t see much traffic. He stuck to the scenic route, long winding roads with a view that you could just look out the window and enjoy the sunset. It wasn’t long before he found himself enjoying this quiet time with you despite no words being exchanged.

It seemed that you enjoyed the time too, at least Kaeya thought you looked a lot more at peace by your expression. He decided it was best to begin heading towards your house since you seemed to be in better spirits, not to mention the strange guilt he felt over keeping you around too long. It felt like he was betraying both you and Diluc, in a way.

Once he had parked in your driveway, Kaeya looked over to examine your condition. You still seemed to be fidgeting with your sleeve and he only noticed he’d been staring harder than he meant, entranced by you, when you paused standing in the ajar door of his car, looking down at him.

“Um, do you... do you want to stay for a while?” you asked meekly, rubbing the back of your neck.

“It’s just, I’m feeling a little,” you couldn’t explain your emotions to him, “Well, it’s been a while since we’ve spent some time together, just the two of us. I’ve, I’ve kind of missed it. And I kind of ruined your night out... Or, if you want to go home that’s fine, obviously-”

Kaeya cut you off with a light-hearted laugh, unbuckling his seatbelt. The rush of happiness he felt after hearing you wanted him to stay had him turning his head to hide his smile from you, certain he was grinning like a fool. Despite the way his heart surged, in his mind he knew better than to think you wanted anything more than comfort.

Let’s fall in love for the night                                                                         And forget in the mornin’.

“Darling, you didn’t ruin anything. How could I possibly pass up the opportunity to spend some time with you? It sounds like a far better way to spend my night, anyways,” he replied with a grin as he climbed out of the car. He came around to take your hand in his, leading you to the door. He was still smiling at you once you had both made your way inside.

Kaeya let go of your hand when you started to pull away and head towards the kitchen. He didn’t follow you, comfortable enough to head into your living room instead. It had been quite a while since he’d been over, but not much had changed in that time. Standing in the living room, Kaeya still felt a strong sense of you from the home as he looked around.

Hearing the wooden floorboards creak softly, Kaeya looked over to see you making your way into the living room. He smiled at the two bottles and a wine glass in your hands. One was a bottle of his favorite dandelion wine and the other was a cheap vodka. He could distinctly recall you saying you kept the vodka around because it gets the job done quickly, as you had put it. Keeping wine in your home was new to him, though. You never seemed to care for it very much in the past.

Unless you kept it here for him?

His smile fell a little as he shook the thought from his head, it was nothing more than wishful thinking. Kaeya scolded himself internally, he knew better than to hope for feelings from you. Even after the outburst tonight, you’d be back to Diluc in the morning. Kaeya knew that. You must have just developed a taste for it.

“Oh, does someone feel like partying?” he asked with a playful laugh.

“Well, I still feel bad you missed out on having some fun at the club tonight,” you said with a sheepish smile, proffering him the bottle of wine and glass. He noticed the lack of a glass for yourself and couldn’t help but think drinking straight from the bottle was more your style anyway.

“I always have fun when I’m with you,” he told you earnestly, “But I won’t say no to some good wine.” The way you laughed at his response had his heart skipping a beat as he took your offerings. He couldn’t help but smile in return.

Opening the bottle, he poured himself a generous glass of the dandelion wine, taking a moment to appreciate the aroma. When he looked back up to you after setting the bottle down, he observed you scrolling on your phone.

“What kind of music do you want to listen to?” you asked, not looking at him as you opened the appropriate app on your phone. He noticed the Bluetooth radio sitting on the side table next to the couch light up.

Play me a song that you like

“Put on whatever you want,” he answered, listening to you hum with indecision as he took a sip from the glass in his hand. Delicious.

You had picked your favorite playlist, letting it play quietly in the background while you caught up with Kaeya, who was leaning back into the couch and sipping on his wine. He wondered how long it had been since you guys just talked like this.

I love it when you talk that nerdy shit,                                                        We’re in our twenties talking thirties shit.

“Hey, did you know recombinant fusant yeasts are being studied to improve the flavor of cider while simultaneously lowering the alcohol content?” you asked absently as you looked at his glass of wine.

“Oh? I didn’t know that, maybe Diluc would know more,” he responded, not wanting to mention that he wasn’t entirely sure what you were saying. Diluc was the one who knew about alcohol, Kaeya just enjoyed it.

“Yeah, I was watching a documentary about it,” you continued, too busy recounting the details to notice Kaeya staring at you. He didn’t need to understand, he was more than happy to just listen to you talk. It wasn’t that he wasn’t paying attention, but you didn’t really explain the concepts he’d never even heard of.

It wasn’t long before the two of you were suitably drunk and lost deep in pleasant conversation. Things had become a bit derailed, moving on to far less complicated topics. It felt so easy, no doubt thanks to all the time you had spent getting familiar with one another in the past.

“Last weekend, Venti got so drunk he called me panicking over,” you paused to laugh some, “locking himself inside his car. He’s crying to me that he can’t get his door open and is sobbing to me about how he can’t afford to fix his window if he has to break it to get out. He was crying so loud about how he just wanted to get his jacket that he couldn’t even hear most of what I said trying to convince him not to break the windows. It took me thirty minutes to get him to calm down enough so that I could explain to him that he could unlock the car door from the inside. He suddenly goes real quiet and I hear a click and the door opening before he’s crying again about he’s so relieved I saved his life.”

Your laughter from telling the story was infectious and Kaeya thought it had been an awfully long time since he laughed so much. He couldn’t help but think he had been smiling an awful lot tonight, even before he was drunk.

“Wait, shh, I love this one,” you said suddenly, standing up and turning the volume of your radio up. His laughter was silenced and his heart sped up when you grabbed both his hands to pull him up with you. Once he was on his feet and his thoughts became a little more focused, he found you beginning to sway to the beat. You looked at him with such an expectant expression that he couldn’t deny you. Kaeya joined in, moving easily to the music as he roughly mimicked your style.

You can bet I’ll know every line.

Your eyes widened slightly when the first lyrics came and Kaeya began singing along with a casual ease. There was no way you were good for his heart, he found himself thinking with the way you had his heart skipping a beat when your eyes lit up and crinkle at the corners as you smiled in response to him knowing the song. When you joined in singing with him, he was sure you were no good for his heart.

Let’s fall in love for the night                                                                         And forget in the mornin’.

For a moment he closed his eyes, wishing he could spend forever in this moment with you. He was in love with your smile, the way you danced, the way you sang, he couldn’t think of anything he didn’t love. His heart ached at the knowledge it would be gone in the morning. Here you were dancing and singing with him, but once you sobered up your heart would be back with Diluc.

You won’t stay with me I know,

“Oh baby, take a look at me, Oh baby, do you like what you see? Oh baby, take a look at me, 'Cause I'm the hottest motherfucker that you've ever seen,” Kaeya sang, winking at you as he danced sexily.

He noticed at this that your voice no longer joined his, causing him to pause for a moment to scan your expression. You were still smiling at him in a way that had him all too aware of his heart pounding in his chest. Kaeya wasn’t sure he had ever felt like this before.

“It’s like this song was written with you in mind,” you laughed, taking both his hands and bringing them up to your face to brush a kiss against his knuckles. Such a simple action had all rational thought leaving his head in an instant, it helped that he was drunk too. He pulled you closer by your hands before dropping them to cup your cheeks in his hands and bring your lips to his.

But you can have your way with me until you go.

Your eager return of his kiss had his heart nearly pounding out of his chest, he was sure he would be going into cardiac arrest shortly. Worth it. He leaned into it, quick to match your energy and rhythm. Kaeya felt your hands on his chest and mindlessly allowed you to walk him back until the back of his legs hit your couch. The kiss broke as he fell back onto the cushions but as he opened his eyes he found you right there with him, now straddling his lap and reaching up to pull his face back to yours. His hands found your waist as you kissed him again, and despite the nagging feeling of this being wrong in the back of his mind, he found himself powerless to resist you.

And before your kisses turn to bruises, I’m a warning

Kaeya didn’t stop you when your lips moved down to kiss his jaw, trailing slowly down to his neck. All he could do was let his head fall back on the couch and sigh when you started to suck a bruise into the exposed skin. He knew he should stop you but this was what he had wanted so badly for so long. Not to mention his thoughts felt like they were passing in slow motion, head fuzzy from the combination of alcohol and you.

Let’s fall in love for the night                                                                         And forget in the mornin’.

Surely it was okay to indulge just once, especially when you would probably forget in the morning anyways.

When you pulled away and looked him in the eyes your face was flushed, more than he remembered it being just a few moments ago. He brought his head back up to look at you, gaze dropping to your lips for a moment, grip on your hips tightening almost imperceptibly. Your brows were furrowed and your expression was nervous as you gripped his shirt gently.

“Um, will you stay the night?” you asked, looking away from him shyly. He was about to turn you down but you hastily continued, “Not for anything else! I mean just to sleep! You, um, I don’t want… You were drinking and I don’t want you to drive home. If, uh, anything happened I don’t think I could ever forgive myself and-”

I know better than to call you mine.

“Hey, easy. I’ll stay,” he soothed, gently rubbing your sides, unable to deny you. He could have called a ride, but he wanted to stay with you. He convinced himself in his head that he could be gone before you woke up and leave you a text. Surely you’d forget about all of this in the morning. Even if you didn’t, surely you’d act like it never happened and be back to Diluc.

You nodded, smiling softly at him, “Thanks.”

It wasn’t very long after that Kaeya found himself in your room getting ready for bed. Initially, he had insisted on sleeping on the couch at first but you were so goddamn stubborn and he was so goddamn weak for you. Plus, you two had slept in the same bed before. Sure it was when you were still kids and hadn’t just been making out, but certainly this was the same. He wondered if you knew just how much you had him wrapped around your finger.

He sat on the edge of the bed lost in his thoughts, looking up when he heard you coming back in from the bathroom dressed in an oversized T-shirt and shorts. You had offered to find something more comfortable for him to wear but he assured you he was fine wearing what he had on. He couldn’t imagine you possibly having anything that would fit him, anyway.

You turned off the ceiling light on your way in but the soft glow of a bedside lamp still illuminated your figure. Kaeya found himself staring at you as you crawled into the bed on the side opposite him and was silently thankful that the dim lighting probably concealed his intense gaze.

“If you’re uncomfortable I can put some pillows between us,” you hesitantly offered once you had settled in your place. “But I promise I have no plan to jump you in the middle of the night.”

Your addition had Kaeya laughing softly, shaking his head, “No, it’s alright. I don’t think I would mind, either.” He winked at you, causing you to laugh too.

“Goodnight, Kaeya,” you said softly, leaning over to turn off the bedside lamp.

“Goodnight, love.”

It wasn’t long before Kaeya was beginning to drift off, the remnants of the alcohol in his system dragging him down. He was on the edge of unconsciousness when a sudden awareness swept through him. He found you had made your way into his arms and he could distinctly feel the weight of your head resting on his chest. He was gently stroking your hair and, now that he was somewhat conscious, praying that the pounding of his heart didn’t wake you up.

Let’s fall in love for the night                                                                         And forget in the mornin’.

Just for tonight, I’ll be gone before you wake up, he told himself as an excuse to allow himself to indulge. Just for tonight.

Kaeya woke up to a pounding headache, groaning lightly as he reluctantly opened his eyes. He found himself not in his room and with you sleeping in his arms. He stared down at you, unable to help himself, as he absently wondered what was going on. Oh, right. The memories of last night were quick to come back and they made his heart ache now that he had to let you go.

He began slowly trying to move you off him, being as cautious as possible to avoid waking you. Kaeya was just sliding out of bed thinking he had been successful when your eyes fluttered open, landing on him almost immediately. Your expression changed to one of thought and confusion, a frown crossing your face and Kaeya could only assume you were trying to remember last night.

“Good morning sleeping beauty. Want me to get you some water?” he was quick to ask, hoping to distract you from your thoughts. He offered you a charming smile, hoping all was forgotten so you didn’t regret anything.

“Kaeya, about last night...” Fuck. His heart sank at the words, the smile he had been wearing quickly disappearing, “I’m really sor-”

I know better than to ever call you mine.

“Hey, it’s okay. I get it, we were drunk. It was an accident,” he cut you off with a smile even he could tell wasn’t convincing. His heart couldn’t take hearing you tell him you regretted it, worse if you didn’t want to see him again.

“No, wait, no it- I mean… Well, um, I really shouldn’t have kissed you like that, especially without saying anything. But, I- Well I don’t really… want to call it a mistake,” your cheeks were bright red as you stammered, unable to look Kaeya in the eyes, instead keeping your head bowed to stare down at the sheets. Kaeya was silently thankful you weren’t looking at him because he didn’t think his surprised expression was a very good look for him.

“For a while, well, I really like you Kaeya. And I know we were drunk and I don’t expect you to feel the same, it just felt weird not to tell you after… that. And it’s okay that you don’t like me and I’d really like to still be friends but if you don’t want-”

Kaeya cut off your nervous babbling by gently holding your cheeks between his hands, making you look at him. The blush spread across your face deepened in color as you stared up in silence. The heat consuming you would only get more intense with his next words.

“I’m in love with you.”

[txtdiaries]

Void - Chapter Two

SUMMARY | Amidst your world shattering to pieces, the boy you met long ago manages to fit everything back together again. Also - zombies. Lots and lots of zombies.

PAIRING | Yeonjun X Reader feat. TXT

CATEGORY | apocalypse au, end of the world, survival, angst, romance, enemies to lovers, slow burn, etc.

WORD COUNT | 2.8k

WARNINGS | dark content, swearing, gore, weapon possession, etc.

A/N | So this isn’t that long and I kinda don’t really like it but I hope some of you enjoy it at least. It also hasn’t rlly been proofread so uhhh we’ll see how that goes. Chapter 3 up soon!

SONG REC | Blood In The Cut (Aire Atlantica Remix) - K.Flay

Preview / Chapter One / Chapter Two / Chapter Three

The tension in the jeep is thick as the girl in the trunk compartment thrashes and screams, her legs jolting forward to kick at the seats ahead and hands struggling to pull apart her rope restraints. Her attempt falls flat due to the tight knots in the rope and the tape around her mouth, but she still tries.

It’s not an ideal situation – Yeonjun knows– but neither is being stuck in a different country with an empty tank of gas, so hey. Every man for themself, right?

He tries to ignore the feeling of guilt pooling at the bottom of his stomach as he glances down at the now full gas gauge that gleams back at him; instead, he eases onto the pedal below his boot. At least now they don’t have to worry about not making it to the next stop - because of this, the situation is that much more bearable.

Even though he feels like shit for wasting tape, rope, and time on the girl, he tries to keep telling himself that it’s not his fault. If anything, it’s hers. If she had just left them all alone in the first place, none of them would be stuck in this situation, and it would be a hell of a lot less awkward. Just as he is thinking this, he hears Soobin speak up from the back.

“This would be a lot easier if we couldn’t see or hear her, dude.” He is seated right next to the girl, and his hands are gripping onto her shoulders tightly to try and get her to stop moving. Although Soobin is definitely stronger than the girl, she still struggles. Yeonjun has to give her props for her perseverance. After a second, he focuses his gaze back in front of him and steers the jeep back onto the road; still not responding to his friend.

“You’re going to get tired if you keep doing that,” Soobin finally talks to the girl after a few more minutes of her annoying movements, voice low so he doesn’t bother anyone else in the car, “Stop moving so much. I won’t hurt you, you know.”

“Stop talking to her.” The eldest snaps from the front, irritated now because he can feel a headache coming on, but also because he doesn’t like Soobin being so close to her. He doesn’t know why, but something about it just bugs him. After a few more rounds of worrying about the fact that they practically kidnapped the girl – no, she did it to herself – he decides to just force himself to stop thinking about it. If he dwells on anything anymore, he knows for a fact that he will drive himself fucking insane.

He takes a deep breath and finally accelerates, pushing the speedometer to 85 before setting the cruise control. He takes an experimental glance in the rearview to “check to make sure there’s nothing behind them” but looks away when he sees what he was curious about the whole time.

The girl has given up on her struggling and lets out a defeated huff before slumping her body against Soobin’s. Yeonjun doesn’t let himself stare for long – he rips his gaze away from the two and focuses back on the road after a few seconds.

He feels it in his bones: It is going to be a very long drive.

After a few hours of his tunnel vision taking up most of his attention, Yeonjun finally decides that it is time to take a break. He feels the tension in his shoulders and arms when he slightly flexes them, and then sighs. A few miles back there was a sign signifying a rest stop, and Yeonjun feels a little more relaxed when it appears in the distance, slowly getting closer and closer.

“We’re going to stop for a break.” He announces, noticing that his words wake a few of the other passengers in the car. The eldest angles the wheel slightly, preparing to merge off the road so they can pull onto the off ramp and move toward the rest stop. From what he can see, the brick building is cracked and falling apart, but it is still standing.

Yeonjun glances in the rearview again – a habit he’s kept up from his years of driving (always check your mirrors before making any movement into another lane, especially on highways, his old driving instructor had taught him) - but he wishes he hadn’t, just this once. It’s not that he needs to anymore, given the end of the world and all, but it seems old habits die hard. More than anything, he wishes they wouldn’t.

Rested upon Soobin’s shoulder is the girl who’s name he still doesn’t know, eyes closed as she sleeps deeply. His best friend’s head is rested atop hers as well, and he’s gazing outside the window silently, letting her rest where she is. Yeonjun feels his stomach twist with jealousy, and he doesn’t know why he can’t stomp it down this time. Hell, he doesn’t even know why he’s feeling it. The whole thing makes him feel sick.

Soobin softly nudges the girl awake and whispers something to her, and Yeonjun takes this as his opportunity to focus on parking. He’d rather get decked in the throat than have to witness that again.

After he puts the jeep in park and everyone else piles out of the cramped car, Yeonjun pops the trunk and makes his way back to it to help the girl out.

“I’ve got it.” Soobin says once he realizes his friend’s intensions, arm already secured around her waist. Yeonjun shakes his head and awkwardly pries his hand off of her, the same hand wrapping around her wrist after, “It’s all good, you already had to deal with her sleeping on you. I’ll take her to the bathroom; you stay with the boys.”

“Hyung, I have to pee.” The youngest of the group says in a whiny voice, bouncing on the heels of his feet impatiently before giving him a desperate look. Yeonjun almost laughs.

“Okay, Soobin, take him to the men’s room. Tae, stay with Beom. You all know the drill. Five minutes tops and be back here on time.”

The boys all nod in agreement and the eldest is glad no one argues, not wasting anymore time before pulling the girl gently along with him toward the vacant, disheveled building.

“Do you have to go to the bathroom?” He asks her softly once they have turned around the brick wall leading to the bathrooms and separating them from the other boys. He angles his head down as he speaks to her, trying to get a better look. She shakes her head and tries to speak, but she can’t, given the tape covering her lips. The blue-haired boys leads her through the doorway into the bathroom he is sure she finds equally as disgusting as he does, and looks at her again. He doesn’t have to say anything, he just gives her a look to stay put as he carefully checks each individual stall in the room, and then finally makes his way back over once he knows they are alone.

“I’m going to take the tape off of your mouth and untie you, but please don’t try running. I promise, the most it’ll get you is a zombie bite to the body or another one of my friends catching you. Just stay, alright?”

The girl sighs and nods at him. He hesitates before biting his lip and nodding back, squatting easily to remove the restraints around her ankles. After he’s done, he undoes the ones around her wrists, and finally, stands to his full height to study her face.

The boy can feel his heart beating in his chest as he carefully pinches the corner of the tape in-between his pointer digit and thumb, and he winces with the girl as he tries to pull it off of her as gently as possible. He notices the slight whine that leaves her lips when he rips off the final part, and he’s only just looked up into her eyes for about a second before her voice is echoing loudly against the bathroom walls.

“You absolute fucking dickhead!”

Yeonjun takes an instinctive step back before standing up straight, her outburst truthfully startling him.

“I-“

“Don’t talk!” She snaps, still continuing her outburst. Yeonjun’s blood runs cold.

“I don’t even know where to start. First you steal my gas, and then you kidnap me, and then you have the fucking audacity to ask me if I have to go to the bathroom in this disgusting rest stop? Oh my god-” She runs her hands through her hair and groans loudly, tilting her head back up toward Yeonjun before glaring, “What is wrong with you!? Didn’t your mother ever teach you manners?”

Truthfully, the blue-haired boy doesn’t know what to say to the girl. She’s livid, that’s fucking obvious, but even more so, she looks terrified. Yeonjun feels the guilt now, it’s full force and clawing its way up through his throat. If he could apologize in a way he knew she’d accept, he would.

“You didn’t exactly give me any choice.” He says to the girl, voice as soft as possible, scared he’ll piss her off even more if he raises it. It seems it doesn’t really matter anyway, because she is still fuming with anger when she speaks again.

“That is bullshit!” Her voice is so loud, Yeonjun is scared that the boys outside might hear it.

“I really think you should-” She cuts him off.

“Don’t tell me what to do! How idiotic can someone be!?”

“Listen, I really think you might want to-”

“How many times do I have to tell you to-!”

She freezes when she sees the absolute look of horror on Yeonjun’s face.

She turns toward the entrance where he is looking and she feels fear run through her veins.

A zombie, skin rotting and insides hanging halfway out of its stomach turns the corner of the wall, separating the two of them from it, as it limps slowly and curiously toward the bathroom entrance.

The girl can barely react before Yeonjun is grabbing her arm and dragging her to the left, into one of the small, cramped stalls before he locks it behind them.

The girl meets his eyes as his hand clamps down over her mouth. She wants to cry, and he wants to scream, because they both realize the same thing in the exact same moment; Yeonjun forgot his fucking baseball bat.

It is deadly quiet in the bathroom when they hear the heavy, unnatural footsteps echo on the tile, and Yeonjun has to keep telling himself that it is fine. That they won’t die in this gross bathroom because he’s an idiot who got distracted, and that they won’t be zombie dinner in the next couple of seconds because his priorities lied in the girl instead of in his weapon. His fear suddenly turns to anger when the girl rips his hand away from her mouth and leans up to speak into his ear, voice so low Yeonjun has to hold his breath to hear it.

“This is your fault, asshole.”

“How is this my fault? I’m not the one who was screaming so loud Utah could hear it!” He whisper-shouts in the same manner, using the knowledge of the map he had studied earlier to make his point. He’s blaming her, but he knows the fault isn’t just on her. It’s on the both of them. 

The girl rolls her eyes, but before she can reply, a low, guttural growl echoes out through the bathroom.

 The noise sends her curling into Yeonjun’s chest, gripping onto his shoulders for dear life. She’s scared, he suddenly realizes. The girl with the tempter and killer attitude is scared, and it’s his fault.

“Hey…” He suddenly says to her, his anger melting away almost like water running down a tap, voice softening around the edges as he leans in closer to the girl. His guilt from earlier increases tenfold.

“It’s going to be fine...” He says to her quietly, slowly and silently sinking their bodies down to the ground with the girl still against him. He knows if he can see under the gap in the stall door, he can time their escape. All he has to do is wait until the undead figure’s body is in the right position.

“Now’s not the time to make a move.” The girl whispers sarcastically, voice shaking even though she’s trying to sound tough. Yeonjun rests a hand on her hair comfortingly, even though all he really needs her to do is stop talking.

“I’m serious, I know you’re tall and have cool hair and all that, but don’t think that’s grounds for-“

“Shut up.” The boy growls into her ear, voice as low as she’s ever heard it thus far, causing her mouth to snap shut instantly. She hates that she found that hot.

The two are silent again, waiting for the footsteps to do anything but come closer. It is only once the girl repositions awkwardly, does Yeonjun realize how close she really is. Her entire front is pressed up against his, with her leg even thrown over his hip as she sits awkwardly, and he can’t move. He wants to clear his throat, do anything to relieve the tension he is feeling, but he can’t.

He can’t move, until the footsteps suddenly stop.

He’s only just made eye contact with the girl wrapped up around him before a loud, deafening bang causes the stall door to concave in momentarily, the lock barely holding it closed. It rings in their ears as another growl emits from the zombie, and then Yeonjun feels his body spring into action. He quickly removes the bandana tied securely around his wrist and flings it under the stall, as far away from the two of them as possible.

The screaming figure launches itself toward the movement, and Yeonjun pushes them both up, flicking the lock before realizing he is carrying the girl around his waist and halfway in his arms. He doesn’t have time to do anything except run as fast as he can out of the bathroom, both him and the girl in his arms breathing heavily in fear as they escape. At this point, he can’t tell if the zombie is screaming or if he is.

Once they’re outside the bathroom, he drops the girl onto both legs and they race to the Jeep, Yeonjun only speaking after they’re close enough, and his members can hear him. He knows the figure is on their heels just by the smell.

“BEOMGYU. BAT, NOW.”

Yeonjun doesn’t have to clarify as his friend’s eyes go wide and he sees the chaos happening before him. Two running figures and a rotting dead corpse following close behind, so enraged it looks like it might kill all of them if it got the chance. He doesn’t hesitate.

Beomgyu quickly pulls the blue-haired boy’s bat from between the seats and under-hands it toward him. Yeonjun catches it skillfully before spinning his body in its tracks, launching forward before the hard aluminum comes in contact with the zombie’s face, its scream muffled once the blow impacts its frontal skull.

Yeonjun doesn’t have to put as much force into flooring the body as he does, but he just chalks it up to anger and irritation. Finally, once the dust settles and his hands stop shaking, Yeonjun is left panting heavily. It was close. Far too close for his comfort.

Everyone is silent, until the girl speaks again.

“Are you… uh-“

She doesn’t know how to word any of this, and she can see just how stressed out the boy is. She feels like it’s her fault – she knows it is – and now it’s her turn to feel guilty.

“Two hundred six.” Yeonjun says lowly, his voice almost lost in the wind as he drops the top of the bat onto the dirt and keeps hold of the handle. He takes another deep breath before turning and walking slowly back to the car, weapon dragging behind him.

“I’m-“

He doesn’t stop to listen to what the girl has to say, only walks past her silently before making his way back into the driver’s seat. The rest of the boys are silent as they follow suit. They all ignore the girl, until she finally speaks up again.

“Hey, uh… Beomgyu?” She’s talking to the blonde who opens the passenger side door, only looking at her out of surprise when he realizes she’s talking to him. She doesn’t know how good her excuse will be, but she knows she has to apologize to the eldest boy, and there is only one way to do it.

“I almost got mauled by a zombie, I think I deserve shot gun.”

[demivampirew]

Keep Calm and go to London chapter 18

The story is about Henry, not Geralt (only using this gif because it fits perfectly for this chapter)

Synopsis: This is the story of (y/n), a successful actress,  musician, musical producer and songwriter. After battling depression and  breaking up a long relationship, she seeks for a change of air,  escaping LA for a while going to visit some friends in London and there  she meets Henry. -Disclaimer: some chapters are mostly smut.

Previous Chapters:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5 (smut)

Chapter 6

Chapter 7 (smut)

Chapter 8 (smut/roleplay)

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12 (smut)

Chapter 13

Chapter 14 (smut)

Chapter 15

Chapter 16 (smut/ s&m) Chapter 17

Triggers:   Smut (I know, too much smut chapters 😁 😂 🤣 , but this chapter needed to have smut, you’ll see why 😜 ); mention of rape, sex trafficking and panic attacks (while talking about a movie; only mention those words, not describing anything them in any way)

Tag list:  Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank  you    so  much for that) and people who asked me to tag them too  ☺️   (I    think  I will write a few chapters of this story, if you want me to  tag     you, tell me ☺️   ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo   constip8merm8     penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen  littlefreya  wondersofdreaming    alyxkbrl solariumss  sweetybuzz25 @thethirstyarchive @agniavateira   @honeyloverogers @hell1129-blog   @lunedelorient​  @michelle-1185​  

During quarantine, Henry spend lots of time cooking delicious meals, bread and desserts for the two of you. He pretended not to be good, but low key you knew that he wanted compliments because his food was freaking fantastic and you were sure he knew that already. He was in the kitchen preparing cookies for you an afternoon snack. Meanwhile, you entertained him dancing around, there were some real dance moves there, but mostly silly things that you did intend to make him laugh. Lizzo's "Juice", Nicky Minaj's "Anaconda", Rihanna's "Bitch better have my money", Bruno Mars's "24K Magic" were some of the songs you choose to perform for him. You closed your little show with N*Sync's "Bye bye bye" which make him laughed so hard that Kal barked at him. He mentioned that in his youth he made a movie with Joey Fatone and you were green with envy because you used to be a N*Sync fangirl when you were little. - What was he like? - you asked - Oh, he's great! Cool guy. If I ever cross paths with him again, I'll invite him to hang out so you can meet him too. - he replied - Oh yeah, baby. That'd be a childhood dream come true. - Have you ever meet one of your idols? - he questioned curiously - Hmm... yeah, I met Slash, he's now a friend of mine. He gave me guitar lessons. - You learned to play the guitar with Slash from Guns n' Roses? - he repeated your words as a question due to the surprise revelation - No. I was already pretty good. He gave me lessons on how to improve my guitar solos. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I've learnt so much with him and improved drastically my habilities. - you explained - I've also met Duff and he is cool too. I met Nikolaj Coster-Waldau from Game of Thrones, he's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I met my now friend Annie (Hathaway), which you must already know because we worked together in my first acting role and she is a mentor, she truly helped me a lot to become a good actress. - you paused, thinking and after a few moments continued.- I've met Robert De Niro, he played my dad in the movie that you didn't see - previously you have had a conversation in which he confessed to having seen three on the four movies that you made in your short but successful career as an actress. You advised him not to watch the movie, because you played a woman caught in sex trafficking and there were a lot of rape scenes and you thought he may be affected to see you like that, even you had panic attacks after filming that movie and never watched again after the premiere. You couldn't even see Cillian Murphy anymore, another co-star in that movie, because he was the villain and there was a much graphic scene in which his character raped yours. "Only the twisted mind of Darren Aronofsky could come with a story dark as that one," you told Henry laughing because you liked the director, he was a good man, but with a weird taste for disaster and dark psychology-.  You talked about meeting people that you admire and he mentioned Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise and Guy Ritchie, among others. As you predicted, the cookies were delicious. Your boyfriend was, definitely, the perfect man. Not only he was the sweetest, you two never fought, but he was also an amazing lover - he even made out a rule that you that to tell him if you didn't have an orgasm (or wanted more) so he could take care of that because those moments were made so both of you could have a great time and not just him. And, on top of all of that, he cooked for you amazing dishes and desserts. He was the definition of perfection. - Someday you're going to get tired of cooking for me and that'd be my doom. - you pointed out as you ate the tasteful cookies. - Not at all. I'll never get tired of cooking for the woman I love. - he assured you smiling. You chocked with the cooking you were eating and recover a few seconds later and starred at his face with an expression of full shock in yours. - What did you say? - you demanded him to repeat his words - What? I've said that I love cooking for the woman I love.- he repeated without understanding what was wrong with his words. - "The woman you love"? Do you love me? -you asked astonished - Absolutely.- he admitted with a smile on his face- I've been in love with you practically since the time I asked you to be my girlfriend, I just thought that you were going to think I was crazy and was too soon for saying the L word. - I felt the same way. I wanted you to be the first to say it. -you confessed him. - So, we are in love with eachother.- he confirmed with happiness written on his face; the kind of happiness that a child would experience on Christmas day if he/she received exactly what was expecting. You stood up from the table and run into his arms, as he embraced you for your first kiss after knowing that you were in love. Hours later, Henry was back again in the kitchen. This time he was planning to prepare dinner for him since you told him the cookies made you feel full and you didn't want to eat anything else for the day. He was preparing everything that he needed, when you showed up in the kitchen wearing nothing but translucid bran with pastel green colour and white flowers on it. The bra was delicate and made your breasts look amazing. You also wear a white thong and white stockings and stiletto heels pumps. You left Henry speechless. You got closer to him, put your arms around his neck a started to kiss him. You could feel his hands sliding through your back reaching your ass and grabbing it. That made you laughed and he joined you. You looked at his eyes and suggested him to take things to bed. You indicated that you couldn't wait anymore to properly celebrate the fact that you loved each other. He picked you up, holding you by your thighs and walked to the bedroom. He left you on the bed as he turned to close the door and took his clothes off. He got on the bed and then slowly slid your thong and then throw it away. Grabbing you by your thighs, he began to pleasure you with his mouth. He loved to stroke your clit with his tongue, grabbing it and sucking it as well. He could do that for long periods. You were used to him putting his fingers inside your underwear and make you cum over and over. He'd do that at least three or four times per week -without counting that you had sex every single night and some mornings as well. He always wanted to take you and satisfy his desires but also wanted to make you happy. He couldn't get enough of you, and the feeling was mutual. You could feel him tasting you, after several orgasms, you were dripping wet. He climbed on top of you and kissed you, grabbing your lips with his. He grabbed a condom from the nightstand and after putting it on, he put his member inside of you, making you burned inside. It felt so good. He would go from slow movements to really fast pound. He had both of his hands on the mattress and your's were on his neck. He would separate his mouth from yours from time to time only to be able to kiss your neck and breasts. He knew how much you needed the touch of his sweet lips on yours; to feel his tongue dancing inside your mouth. You put your arms on his back and dug your fingers on his back, followed by your nails scratching his back. That made him insane. He had shaved two days before that moment, but his beard started to grow again. He also left he moustache to grow. It was still on its early stages, but still made you tingle and it felt so amazing, especially when he was with his head between your legs. He made you stood up from the bed and then grabbed you by your thighs once more, as you entwined your arms around his neck and he started to thrust you. Your body was on flames. The fact that he was strong enough to fuck you while holding you amazed you. For moments, you would free one of your hands just to stroke his arm, as his muscles tense. He sat on the edge of the bed and continued to pound you, buried himself inside of you deeper and deeper each time. You pushed his back against the mattress, kissed him with burning passion and then started to ride him, placing your hands on his majestic hairy chest. Then, you enlaced your hands with his while you continue to move up and down his cock. He pulled your hands into his lips, kissing both of them, one at the time. You put your chest against his and whispered on his ear "You're mine, baby. You're mine and I'm yours", he looked into your eyes. Just as he thought he couldn't want you more, you told him everything he wanted to hear, that you were his. He remembered at that moment that if he wasn't for your ex, he'd been the only man you have been with. That thought made him feel both jealous and lucky at the same time. Another man had you before him, but he intended to be the only man you'll be with for the rest of his life. You were his. He wasn't the kind of man that would treat you as an object, as something that could belong to him, but you were his woman, he loved you and would make sure that you'll want him forever over anybody else because he could not stand the idea of losing you. You were his angel and he would love you and protect you and hopefully make you as happy as you made him. Life with you was a paradise. You woke up due to the need to drink some water. You had your head pressed against Henry's chest. You had sex until the sunrise. You felt so tired after that amazing night. You checked your phone to see the time and to your surprise, it was midday. You got up and decided to prepare lunch for the two of you. You starred at him for a moment before leaving the bedroom. Seeing him sleep so peaceful felt like a warm hug. You were so lucky. He was amazing and he loved you as much as you loved him.

[coreastories]

A Drive Around the Coast

Well, several drives.

They go on a trip.

Like normal people, they get to know--and love--more about each other. 

The King: Eternal Monarch RPF (Real People Fiction) Yep, this is LMH/KGE. Don’t worry. No cringe. Never. :) 

Inspired by July 13 - My Love By My Side

Extended MEGA version of Twitter thread fic I posted on July 13

With thanks to Joyce @singersleeps on Twitter and RCL. On July 16, she shared her translation of the Weibo speculative posts that in turn inspired how I could extend the thread fic I originally posted July 13 on Twitter. 

For @collectsfallenstars and Patty @pateetsie again, because RPF shenanigans, and just because. 

Companion to A Ride Along the River, but can standalone. 

ON AO3 for kudos and download :) 

July 9

He was such a tall tree man that when she got into the driver’s seat, she fully stretched her legs and her feet just thumped uselessly on the car floor. She couldn’t reach the pedals at all. 

He laughed his weird laugh while he adjusted the seat for her. 

Once he had put on his seatbelt and the van passed them, she started the car and followed. 

They were on a coastal road now and everyone’s business was to drive along it, so both of them felt safe enough to open their windows. They grinned at each other at the delicious wind that buffeted their hair and faces. 

It was so good. She felt so good. 

She handed him her phone and she pursed her lips and tried not to smile when he expertly navigated it, and in another second, the speakers played exactly the song she had in mind for a drive like this, with someone like this, on a trip like this, in a life like theirs. 

She realized he was looking at her to see if he’d done right, and she scrunched her nose and smiled. Without taking her eyes off the windshield, she reached for his hand, and it was already there waiting to catch hers. 

Sometimes their sync scared her. Or was it how he was so attuned to what she wanted? She had never felt so carefully... observed. He observed her. Out of the corner of his eye or with both those beautiful eyes, he saw and catalogued everything. 

And when all this began it had made her feel conscious of what he saw and whether he liked it. 

And apparently he did. Everything about her. Her truest self. She hadn’t hidden anything, to test him, to test herself, and he’d passed every test. 

So now she was well beyond the point of being conscious and well into the territory of getting used to it and loving it. 

He flipped the visor for her just as the angle of the afternoon sun started poking her in the eyes.

He offered her a sip of water just when she felt a little parched.  

He reached across her waist to shut all the windows just when she felt the wind start to bite and sting. 

This time, she turned to him with an eyeroll. “I could have done that.” 

“You didn’t have to. I can do all the buttons for you.” 

It took three seconds. Then he realized the ridiculousness of what he said. The lip bite came first. Then the grin. Then the laughter. 

She kept both hands on the wheel, trying to keep her eyes open as she shook with her own giggling. His hand was on her shoulder, keeping her upright because her body was curving over toward the dashboard. 

She ended up pulling over because her fit of giggles refused to stop. 

He was still chuckling, probably more at her laughter now. She felt him put her ball cap on her head, put his on, and then she saw him climb out and round the car to her door. She opened it herself but she was still too far gone to do much else.  

She had both hands over her cheeks now, alternately covering and fanning her face as she tried to calm down. He gently grabbed both wrists and pulled her up and out of the car. 

The wind helped. The change in temperature helped. His closeness helped. She took a deep breath and she was done. 

The visors of their ball caps collided and dovetailed as he peered down at her face. “It wasn’t that funny.”

This just triggered another giggling fit and she pretty much collapsed against him with her hands sliding from his chest to his waist so she could hold on to his hoodie and not fall to her knees. 

He held her and laughed a little again, rubbing her back a bit. “What?” 

She took deep breaths. When she was sure that answering wouldn’t make her giggle again, she said, “I… I remember the… the... button scene. You know…”

“Ahh.” And he grinned. 

“Yeah.” She ducked her head because he was looking at her intently and-- just when she thought she was getting used to it, he always managed to show her she was still not used to it. Would she ever be? His gaze was so intense, so unbelievable, because it made her feel like all he saw was her.  

He twisted her ball cap on her head, and once she was visible to that gaze, he said, “Our first kiss.” 

Almost on instinct as a defense, she said, “That wasn’t us.” 

He blinked. “Oh. Right. So when was it us then?” 

She looked up at him and realized, after all their text messages and phone calls, that they’d never talked about this yet. 

Instead of pressing in that direction, he pushed her gently in another-- toward the car. “Let’s get you back in the car. It’s getting a bit cold. I’ll drive now.” 

“But I only drove for an hour.” He had already driven the two hours from Seoul to their meeting point. 

“You drove a bit more than that.” He gestured for her to get into the passenger side. “I think we’re less than thirty minutes away now.” He adjusted the seat before getting in. 

Only when he was seated did she drop back in. She took off her ball cap and tossed it to the back seat, where it joined his. The caps sat bill to bill like they were having their own dialogue. 

She faced him just as he started the car. “It was me when we kissed by the window.” 

And she was glad the sun was going down, because she felt her cheeks burning. 

He maneuvered the car back onto the road. As soon as they were cruising again, he turned to her for a bit and reached for her hand. And she loved it that whenever he did that, his eyes always sought hers first. For permission. Or maybe he just really enjoyed turning her to mush by making contact with his eyes before making contact with his hand. Or with his lips. 

She really was thankful it was getting dark, especially when he said what he said next.  

“It was me when we kissed by the bed.”

He squeezed her hand. 

July 10

She was sitting in the passenger seat on her side, clutching her middle. The lights from the street lamps showed him she was grimacing a little. 

“I think I ate too much.” 

He grinned. “They served too much.” He cursed when he hit a random pothole. “Sorry about that. You okay?”

Her expression and position hadn’t changed. He was afraid that would unsettle her currently full stomach. Apparently not. She really was made of sterner stuff. All she said was, “Let’s not have bibimbap again while on this trip. Not like that anyway. How many side dishes was it? I lost count.” 

He laughed. He remembered how well she ate. He loved that she loved food and had no compunction about eating with enthusiasm, wherever she happened to be. They’d booked a dining room at the restaurant so it was just them and their teams, so she probably felt at home. But he had seen her eat with everyone else before. She was consistent with everyone, everywhere. 

Her unchanging character was what intrigued and charmed him when he finally met the person behind those magnificent and diverse roles. 

“I’ll grill meat tomorrow. The guys got fresh fish and ojing-eo and saeu, too.” 

“That sounds awesome,” she said, carefully sitting up and adjusting her seatbelt across her body. “Is it weird to fantasize about food when I’m still about to burst from food?”

He laughed again. She could always make him laugh. “No.”  

“You lost weight during the shoot too, right?”

He nodded. “About eight pounds, I think. You?”

“About the same. Do you want ice cream?” 

She was smiling as the light of the convenience store fluorescent lamps filled the car. He pulled over, shaking his head and grinning. She flitted out of the car fast-- for someone with a heavy stomach-- and he wondered if she should have put her ball cap on. But sometimes being in plain sight helped better than any attempt to hide. People didn’t expect you to be bare-faced if you really were a celebrity. 

And it was a godsend that everyone wore masks right now. 

She came back to the car and he didn’t need to ask her if anything happened. She was usually blushing and a little unsettled when she was recognized. She was shy. Eight years in the industry and she still blushed when she was at the center of attention off-camera. 

But now she neither blushing nor rattled. Just excited with her loot. 

He started the car and they ate ice cream. She fed him as he drove, and he pretended nonchalance that he was sharing her plastic spoon. 

That was new. 

Another new thing to add to the list so far. 

Sharing a blanket when they were all hanging out together. 

Good night kisses before they went to their separate rooms with the team-- girls and boys together. (No funny business on this trip-- he took care of his people).  

Her hand playing with his hair and ear when he laid his head on her lap.

The cute way she nodded when he agreed with what he or anyone else said. 

The silken softness of the skin where her back met her nape, when he lost thought one time she sat by his leg while he was on the couch, and he didn’t realize where his hand had gone and stayed. 

She must have felt him freeze, because before he could casually remove his hand, hers was there on his wrist, stroking and patting his arm, before letting go and going back to strumming the guitar on her lap. 

He moved his hand to her shoulder, but his thumb was stubborn and stayed glued to that new delicious place. 

July 11

He leaned back on the passenger seat and closed his eyes, but he was grinning. She took her hand off the wheel for a second to poke him at his side. He dodged the second poke and caught her hand. 

“What?” he asked, eyes still closed. 

“Did you really not plan that? They just also happened to be here?” 

“Yep.”

“I don’t believe you.” But she was smiling. It was so good to see the girls. The three of them hadn’t really gotten the chance to spend more time together during filming, but both women had become close friends. One she shared an agency with, and the other was such a nice and warm unnie. 

He had driven them to the bay today, with their staff staying behind at the villa, completely off the hook for their own plans. The bay was a perfect, secluded place for a sunset walk, and her heart recognized the romance of it and was thrilled at it. 

And then she saw two people approaching them, crossing the sandbar, waving and calling out annyeong. 

They had dinner right there, on a blanket on the sand, wrapping meat and sides in sangchu as fast as they talked, catching up with each other as the sun set before them. 

And throughout all that, he had sat slightly behind her, his back perpendicular to hers, so that whenever she leaned back she had something to lean on, and whenever her hand rested on the blanket, it was beside his, their fingers touching or overlapping. 

He let the women talk. He asked and answered questions, but for the most part, he let them talk. At some point he even leaned on her, so her instinct had been to lean back on him, and they stayed like that, until it got too dark and they packed up everything with the light of their phones. 

She and the girls had promised to meet again in Seoul. Her mind was already buzzing on how exactly to get that done. 

But she was also completely, entirely in awe of the man napping--or pretending to nap-- beside her as she drove his car. She hadn’t expected this sunset to turn out like this, with new friends she’d sorely missed. 

But then he always did surprise her. Not always in big ways like this one. But in quiet, small ways. 

Like how he always got embarrassed when their teams teased them. 

And how he intently listened to her all the time and looked surprised sometimes, even with his uncanny ability to intuit what was on her mind and what she needed or wanted. 

Or how he never assumed she would give him anything-- whether it was her hand, a kiss, or her head on his shoulder. 

Earlier on the blanket was the same. He had offered to be there for her to lean on, but he hadn’t pushed. He had this ability to get close to her without invading her space. 

Or was that her? Was he simply welcome now, his touch and presence beside her something she now wanted that it was never an intrusion in the first place?  

She leaned back on her seat, extended and locked her left elbow as she held the wheel with one hand, and looked at him again. 

She was almost startled when his eyes opened and looked at her. Almost. 

Because over the last few days, she had gotten used to him meeting her gaze. And holding it. 

Of course she couldn’t lock eyes with him just now because she was driving but she felt her lips turning up in a smile. 

She glanced at him again, and when he saw her smile, he grinned that boyish grin, reached out and took her free hand in his. 

“Did you have fun today?” 

She nodded.

“And my grilling is five-star, right?”

He laughed. 

Just to mess with him even though he did grill so well, she wrinkled her nose. “You’re pushing it.” 

She was in danger of loving that silly laugh too much. 

July 12 

They’d fallen asleep on the living room couch. 

Every single one of them was a little or a lot drunk. And judging from the blanketed lumps scattered around the living area, every single one of them hadn’t made it to the bedrooms either. 

He was on his back on the long white couch, his arm around her, securing her against him as she lay half on the sofa and half on him, her head fitting perfectly against his shoulder and neck. Her arm was around his waist, her leg thrown over his thigh. 

She sang last night. And he could still hear her singing voice in his head. 

She was an angel. And he couldn’t believe his good luck in meeting her, knowing her, and now holding her like this. 

With just a small movement, his lips reached her forehead, and he kissed her there. 

He closed his eyes again. 

She felt that kiss and smiled to herself, tightening her arm around him and relishing how warm and solid he was. She could feel nothing but space behind her back and beyond his hold, but she felt safe in his arms. He wouldn’t let her fall off the couch. 

After all, he had kept her secure while they were both on a horse. He hadn’t allowed her to be forced into anything she wasn’t comfortable with, even a tiny thing like calling him “oppa” in public. He had always… always made her feel safe. He was her sunbae and now he was… 

He was an angel. He was kind and he was funny and he was a dork and he made her heart race and made her feel at peace at the same time. 

With just a small movement, her lips reached his jaw, and she kissed him there. 

She closed her eyes again. 

This was their last day here. Maybe they could prolong it by sleeping. 

July 13

She was asleep, her legs tucked under her, both feet at her hip, the shape of her toes discernible through her yellow socks.

Her cheek was slightly squished where it rested on her shrimp neck pillow.

And he catalogued these details, these mundane details, because he was driving.

But when the lights turned red, he stopped the car and looked his fill of the details that stole his breath away, no matter how many times he'd already seen them before.

Those lips, slightly open, pink, and unadorned with any artificial color.

Their script had never called for him to touch those lips, he just did. And he had clung to the thought that it was because he was dedicated to his craft, and Lee Gon couldn't possibly NOT touch those lips when he kissed her. 

But HE couldn't either.

It was-- he was fascinated that she never had any artifice, especially on those lips, which in all the time he'd known her had never uttered a single word he couldn't like or adore.

If she wasn't saying respectful, thoughtful, or generous things, she was laughing or smiling.

Laughter that always made him laugh. Smiles that stuck to the back of his eyelids so that he saw them even when he was away from her. Just the thought of it made him smile right now. 

He pursed his lips, but his grin was too persistent, unstoppable, not when she was right there.

She stirred and scratched her nose. His eyes followed her hand as it went back to join the other on her lap. 

He loved those hands, too. 

Soft, and brave, because those hands never shied away from handling anything she thought worth the effort.

Including him. Apparently, she thought he was worthy, because here she was beside him.

And nothing else mattered. 

Everything else could be finessed.

But in the meantime, she was on a furlough before the mad rush of winter.

They had months, or realistically, weeks together. 

Or practically, perhaps days and nights scattered here and there. 

They'd be busy. So busy.

But they’d just spent four blissful days together. He had seen so much of her to fill his mind on their days apart. 

And in the meantime, she was right there beside him, sleeping and slightly... 

...slightly snoring. 

He grinned. He'd tease her about that later. And she'd probably punch him.

He loved those hits and punches. 

Like the image of her smiles, those punches gave him solid ground, made him think, anchored him to wisdom. 

He wasn't going to make mistakes this time.

He took her hand and waited for the light to change.

And then they were at the park, and her car was pulling up beside his. He squeezed her hand to wake her up. 

She saw her car the same moment she opened her eyes. 

“Oh.” 

She looked at him. He didn’t know what she saw. He hoped he didn’t look pathetic and woebegone. He tried to smile, but she had already taken off her seatbelt, already crossed the console, and already gently taking his cheeks in her hands. 

And then she was kissing him, and his arms were going around her, pulling her tight against him. She melted against his embrace and he loved the way her cheeks stroked his when she hid her face against his shoulder. 

He turned his head and pressed his lips against her neck. “I’ll talk to you later?”

She nodded against him. 

She kissed his cheek. He kissed hers. And then they were smiling at each other. “I’ll talk to you later,” she repeated. 

He hugged her again and it was her turn to nod against her hair. 

--------------------------

[midnightswithdearkatytspb]

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC Stark

Rating: PG

Warning(s): Mentions of Character Death, Fluff & Angst

Word Count: 2,235

Info: I entered @littledarlinhavefaithinme Sebastian Stan Summer Song Writing Challenge. I choose to do it based off of Lullaby by Shawn Mullins. So I loosely and I mean loosely based it off the song, where she grew up with Tony, and Bucky does quote my favorite line of the song at the end. Also big thanks to @coffeebucko for making my moodboard!

Synopsis: Bruce snaps everyone back into existence and Thanos is gone. 5 years have passed and many things have changed for Remedy Stark, she’s an older sister, her dads gotten married to her mother figure and she isn't sure where she fits in it all.

Remedy Stark was born at the tail end of the ’80s, her father couldn't tell her much about how she was born but he could tell her about her mother and the story of how she was brought to him. Remedy could recount the story of being dropped off at her dad, Tony’s front doorstep by her mothers grieving friend. How Tony took one look at six-year-old her and cursed under his breath.

Remedy started showing her mutant abilities just a few months after she had moved in with her father. Tony had been working with some tools when he cut his finger open, feeling bad Remedy walked over grabbed her father's finger and kissed it. After telling him it was all better Tony looked down to find it healed with not even a scar left behind. That night they sat at the breakfast nook where Tony made Remedy promise she would keep her powers to them, and she did till she fixed Uncle Rhodey’s broken arm.

Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Bono, Mariah Carey, 2Pac, Elon Musk, Madonna, Michael J. Fox, Kevin Costner, Liv Tyler, Whitney Houston, Richard Branson, Steven Tyler, Bruce Springsteen, Celine Dion, and Leonardo DiCaprio were among the few who partied at the Stark mansion, getting to see Remedy Stark grow up. She learned to speak many languages, her best friend was an artificial intelligence named Just A Rather Very Intelligent System, or Jarvis for short, her father created, till she went to a private charter school.

Now Remedy, wasn’t as smart as her father, but she did skip a few grades here and there, graduating at the age of 14 in 2001. The same year Pepper Potts entered both her and her father's life, she watched them dance around each other in fawning, praying for the day when either her dad grew mature or one of them made a move. That was also the year her second mutation activated, all Remedy had to do was think of a place she wanted to be and she would end up there, unfortunately, it happened in front of both Pepper and her father. It became a family secret.

Years went by, she watched the only woman she ever saw as a mother figure dive in love with her father, while he became a superhero. Aliens it turned out were real, a frozen super-soldier her father spent his entire existence in the shadow was alive, assassins could have their own family and be a damn good friend, also Nazis it turned out were still around.

Being called an Avenger was pretty amazing, but what felt even more amazing to Remedy was saving lives. Fixing the wrongs in the world that you could. Remedy found a family in the Avengers. Wanda was someone who was her own and that could relate to the pressures of being someone with powers. Steve soon after the battle New York, became her best friend, a brother she never she wanted, along with Clint and Sam. Natasha, well she was another Aunt and another mother figure of sorts who brought along Bey. Bey was Natasha’s child, her pride and joy, but also Remedy’s best friend.

Turns out when you get shocked by Thor when trying to save a small nation, well it can awaken hidden powers where you can open portals. Soon everyone knows your secrets and governments well they don't care that you are a Stark, or that you save lives, they notice the fallout you leave behind.

Remedy knew Steve and her father Tony getting along was never going to last, they always had a fallout but they always came together in the end. This time Remedy wasn't able to foretell the destruction, Thunderbolt Ross would have on the group. Remedy left to go bury her Godmother Peggy Carter, then the next thing she knew she was a wanted fugitive.

Tony wanted her to hate Bucky, for killing her grandparents she barely knew, but she couldn't find it in her. It wasn't Bucky’s fault it was the men behind the controls. She could be angry at Steve for not telling her father but she could easily forgive him attempting to protect his best friend, she would do the same for Wanda and Bey.

When it was all over, said and done, T’Challa welcomed Remedy along Bey to lay low in Wakanda when they weren't trying to be vigilantes. Pepper would meet up with Remedy behind Tony’s back, updating her on her father as well as her godfather. Always going their separate ways with a hug and tears in their eyes.

Than Thanos happened and one moment she was assisting Natasha to get up after healing her broken arm, getting ready to open a portal, next she saw her body turning to ash before her very eyes. Next, she was standing between Sam Wilson, Bucky with Bey who was transformed into a Mammoth with both Princess Shuri and Spiderman on their back, as they were being portalled back to New York.

Remedy fought long and hard, the burning feeling in lungs, long since came a constant reminder she was alive. Working back to back with Wanda most of the fight, sending people her way, or defending Spider-Man, or well Peter, he had stopped to introduce himself and to apologize for the black eye back in Germany. Yeah, she could grow to like the kid and could see why her dad did too.

Seeing her dad again for the first time in what felt like forever, was crazy, especially when Remedy half expected him to yell at her, instead he hugged her. Remedy honestly couldn't remember the last time her father had hugged her. He held her tightly to the metal suit he had long lost his helmet it seemed, Remedy could have sworn she felt tears hit her scalp.

“You are so grounded young lady, I don’t care if you are 30 years old, you are grounded! No television, phone, no boys, we are going to have a long talk about what it means to be a vigilante and not talk to our parents.” Tony broke the silence that surrounded them, trying to make his daughter laugh, while she tugged him down to dodge a laser beam heading their way.

Remedy wasn't sure how long the fight even lasted but for her, it ended with her on Bey’s Polar Bear form a few yards away from Bruce Banner who was in possession of the gauntlet. Bruce snapped and the next thing she noticed was the aliens they had been fighting were turning to dust. Thanos was defeated and all of a sudden it felt like a weight was lifted off their shoulders. Exhaustion hit Remedy hard and it was expected so the last thing she remembered was the white fur, hitting her face before she was caught by Clint.

The drive to wherever they were going seemed to drag on as Remedy got stuck between the two super soldiers, a guy named Frank Castle was driving and he wouldn't let anyone touch for stereo. Somehow Sam had won a coin toss and got to ride shotgun, while in the very back Bey was sharing their iPod with Wanda and Karen Page, was snoring.

When Remedy came to in the back of a truck that belonged to Castle, Pepper had been pushing her hair back. Tears had been cascading down her face even though she was smiling, Remedy had tried to smile but everything in her body has hurt. Pepper was in her suit of armor, Remedy remembered choking out the colors were far better than Dad’s, making Pepper laugh. Tony had leaned over the side of the truck kissing the crown of her head, reminding her favoritism sucked.

Soon they were invited back to Stark-Potts household because of course they got married, but it turns out they no longer lived in the city but out by Lake George. The two-hour drive listening to classic rock and alternative rock, barley any legroom, the constant sniff, and cough was starting to get to Remedy. Almost making her wish she had taken up the Peter Quill guy, or even Scott Lang offers up for a lift.

As Hozier’s voice crooned about how he should have taken better care of his lover, the road Frank had turned on to suddenly became bumpy. Steve sat up straighter, suddenly elbowing Remedy in the ribs with his sharp elbow, causing her to take a deep intake of breath. Bucky reached around Remedy smacking his best friend on the back of the skull, getting a laugh out of Wanda and Bey in the back. Steve gave her an apologetic look as they drew closer to a cabin that looked almost luxurious, right away Remedy knew this was one of her Dad’s places.

As the Range Rover came to a slow stop, Remedy noticed Happy, Pepper, and Rhodey standing on the porch together, with drinks in their hands. Remedy followed Bucky out of the car and saw the lake to her left, it's beauty was serene, she could see why Pepper and her Dad would settle here. Suddenly arms were around Remedy’s legs and holding on tightly to her, with no foreseeable plan to let go it seemed.

“Remy, Daddy said he would bring you home and he did! Mom said you would teach me how to play guitar and you’d Dutch braid. I’m so happy your home.” Remedy stared down at the little girl at her legs in confusion before she heard footsteps nearing, and a hand was placed on top of the little girls head. That hand is turned our belonged to her father and beside him was Pepper, both of which were smiling at her.

“Remedy, this is Morgan, we had her shortly after the snap. Morgan this is your older sister Remedy.” Tony was now holding Morgan in his arms, who continued to stare at Remedy was adoration.

“I know who Remedy is Daddy, I have her picture at my bedside, I tell her goodnight every night and I read to her. Well not her, the picture of her, but now I can read to her because you brought her home to us, as you promised!” Remedy felt her heart rate skyrocket, she had a sister, she had been gone five years and so much has changed. To the right, she could hear Bey screaming no, as Clint was saying sorry, everything felt louder, her breathing more shallow.

“Remy?” Pepper put her hand on her shoulder like she used to do when she was a teenager, and she felt the world was out to get her, but Pepper always reassured her, she was stronger than those who brought her down. Remy tried her hardest to smile at Morgan, but she felt perhaps it still came out more like a grimace than anything else.

“Morgan, it's so good to meet you. If you don't mind, I just need a second to catch my breath.” Remedy had reached over and squeezed her little sister soft delicate hand in a loving gesture before she turned away from her family. Her legs taking her out towards the edge of the dock of the lake, hands-on her hips she found herself struggling to breathe as her mind raced.

Where did she belong now? Why did she have to leave all those years ago, she should have come home with the tail tucked between her legs and signed the accords, they could have been a family. She had missed out on the wedding, the one she had wished for since she was a pre-teen, on her birthday cakes and falling stars. Tony had taken in Peter Parker, Spider-Man who was a pretty cool kid, but still, she missed out on seeing them interact. Here she was a big sister and she missed five years of bed life and yet she seemed to know everything about her, acted like she was the best thing in the world. What would Morgan think when she found out that she wasn't all that great?

An arm around her shoulder, the scent of metal, tea tree, sandalwood, amber, leather, and moss hit her nose, indicating Bucky was the one at her side. He ran his flesh hand up and down her arm, as he put his face in her hair shushing her as she began to cry. Remedy didn't need to be told that Natasha was also gone, along with Vision, people they lost in the war. Her family was falling apart and she felt so broken, yet here was a man she spent weeks on the run, months in Wakanda with, comforting her.

“I’m not sure about you, but I feel a little lost right now, but that's because we are in a strange place, but I promise you Remedy, you got me. You aren’t alone and we’ve got Sam and Bey as well as Steve.” Remedy kept her head in the crook of Bucky’s neck as the vibrations of his voice soothed her along with the smoothing up and down motions of him rubbing her back.

“Everything’s going to be alright.” Bucky kissed the crown of her forehead and looked out at the water while he just held Remedy in his. He vowed to keep her safe and maybe they could help each other piece themselves back together in this messed up world.

[trade-baby-blues]

Lost and Found

Pairing: Bones x Reader 

Word Count: 2240

Warnings: Drama! Suspense! Mystery! (There's only some swears and some puking)

A/N: Requested by anon. I took a few liberties but I like the way it turned out! Hopefully you do too! I tried something new with the way I write so if you hate it please let me know and I’ll never do it again, lol. Also completely not proofread except for when I skimmed through it just now!! 

You fell to your knees on the sidewalk outside of Starfleet, the warm concrete feeling foreign against your skin and lips as you kissed it. “Earth,” you cried. “Earth, sweet Earth!”

Bones snorted behind you, holding his hand out to haul you back to your feet. “Quit being so dramatic.”

“I’m only saying what you're thinking,” you said, pulling Bones’ arm down until you could reach his lips with your own. “You sure you don't wanna come out with me tonight?”

“Sugar, I’d rather spend another year in space than have to leave my room for the next three days.”

“All right, grandpa,” you chuckled.

It took you almost three hours to get ready. The feel of warm water sliding down your back and the sweet scent of citrus conditioner felt like a dream after your long run on the Enterprise. You relished it, taking your time to lotion up and comb your hair out before putting on your makeup. It had been so long since you’d done it that your eyeliner came out a little wavy, but you figured no one would notice in the dimly lit bar. When you were finally ready you snapped a picture of yourself to send to Bones and threw your phone on your bed to put on your shoes. With one last glance at your makeup, you were ready for a night of drinking and irresponsibility.

Bones, on the other hand, was neck deep in a bubble bath. Though he’d never admit it, being CMO had taken its toll on his body. Every joint hurt, a deep ache that had settled into his bones no matter how many hypos he gave himself or how many massages you gave him. Finally, he found some relief in the warm water and bath bath salts he'd mixed in. The smell of cobbler wafted through the bathroom from the candle you bought him at the last shore leave in Yorktown.

He grumbled when his phone went off, reaching lazily from the tub to reach for it. Your picture lit up his screen and, for a moment, he regretted not going out with you, but the warm waters called him home and he sunk deeper into them, holding out his phone to snap a picture of himself in the water. Bones set his phone back on the lid of the toilet and allowed his eyes to fall shut.

Normally, you weren't a club person. It was all too noisy and crowded. After the quiet solitude of the Enterprise, broken only by the monotonous him of the oxygen pipes, the club was exactly where you wanted to be. You were already four shots deep grinding on your friends on the dance floor. You were all laughing. At what, none of you could say. Maybe it was the feeble pick-up lines guys were feeding you. Maybe it was the horrible classical music the club was playing. Maybe it was just because you were young and you were free again. You allowed yourself to enjoy it. Until a stranger puked on you anyway.

It started the worst chain reaction you’d seen in your years of science labs. One after the other people on the dance floor started retching. You grabbed your friends and ran (stumbled) as quick as you could outside. You were all still laughing as your heels hit the pavement, clack clack clack. You clung to each other in the cold, swaying. Clack clack clack. You didn't know where you were going, but it didn't matter as long as you with your friends. Clack clack clack. It certainly didn't matter that there was a man following you from the bar, watching your bare legs as your heels hit the concrete clack clack clack.

Bones woke with a start, splashing water over the edge of the tub. It felt like ice on his skin now and he cursed quietly to himself as he hauled his pruney body up and out of the water. He wrapped himself in the fluffiest robe he owned - a soft pink number he'd stolen from you - and grabbed his phone to check the time.

“Shit,” he mumbled, realizing he was late to pick you up from the bar. He called you as he pulled on a pair of jeans and an old sweater you’d bought him a few Christmases ago. It was dark blue with a faded Georgia peach on it, “Georgia on my mind” emblazoned down the sleeves of the left arm. He dropped the phone as he pulled the sweater over his head and cursed under his breath again, scrambling to pick it up only to be greeted by your voicemail.

“I’m on my way, darlin. I’m sorry I…” Bones let his thought trail off, imagining you laughing and calling him grandpa again. He cleared his throat, “I’m on my way. Call ya when I’m out front.”

Bones tapped his thumbs against the steering wheel in time to the song on the radio. He hummed to himself while he waited for you to finally emerge, checking his phone periodically for any update. After 10 minutes he called you again. After 20 minutes he decided “to hell with it” and went inside, surprised to see the bar almost empty until he saw the bartenders scrubbing vomit off the dance floor. He cleared his throat softly and one of the bartenders looked up at him.

“Sorry to bother y’all, but I was wondering if you’d seen this girl.” Bones didn't even have a chance to get his phone out before the bartender scoffed.

“Do you know how many girls I see a day, buddy? Unless she tips well or took her top off on the dance floor, I’m not gonna remember her.”

“Will you just look at the damn picture?” Bones’ voice was equal parts commanding and concerned, but it was impossible to tell which swayed the bartender more.

He sighed and threw his rag onto the floor, pulling the latex gloves off his hands with a pop and taking Bones’ phone. He studied the picture of you carefully, finding nothing to separate you from the other faces that melted together in his day. “I'm sorry, man, but I have no idea. My guess is she got trashed and left with someone.”

Bones muttered a thanks before walking out, careful to let the door slam loudly behind him. The rattle in the window panes mimicked the rattle in his jaw as he ground his teeth together in worry. With a sigh, he got back in his car, calling you four more times before throwing his phone at the passenger seat. The leather steering wheel cover creaked as Leonard tightened his hands around it, pulling in a deep breath before feeling around for his phone in the dark to call Jim.

It was a quick call and Leonard was soon on the road, cruising down the street to look for any sign of you while Jim checked your room to see if you’d gotten a cab home and forgotten to mention it. Leonard scanned the streets with the same pinpoint precision that led to his promotion as CMO. All the poise left him when he saw your jacket strewn across a bench, illuminated as if by a spotlight under the San Francisco street lamps.

Leonard pulled his car into park and let it idle in the middle of the road, not caring if anyone hit it or stole it. The only thing on his mind was your name. He remembered the first time you said it to him and how lovingly he’d said it back to you since then. Never lovingly enough.

The jacket was still smelled like you, so it couldn't have been too long since you’d been here. Leonard buried his face in the coat, breathing in as much of the scent as he could. As if you were both just animals and he could track you by scent alone. Maybe he were. He’d loved you since the first time he smelled you, after all. Like fresh fruit and linen. It was just like those summer days when his ma hung the laundry out to dry in the sun. He’d run around the yard with his cousins and his friends. Would he ever get to run around with you again?

Leonard jumped ten feet in the air when his phone went off. He dropped it in the scramble to get it out of his pocket and swore to himself and to whatever gods were listening before picking it up and answering breathlessly, hoping beyond anything that your voice would greet him.

“She’s not here,” Jim said solemnly. “She left her phone on the bed.” There was silence on the other line, broken only by the rustling of clothes and a hard grunt as Leonard dropped onto the closest bench. Jim waited, biting his lip to preoccupy himself until he couldn't take the silence anymore. “Do you want me to come help look for her?”

Leonard didn't say anything, simply hung up the phone. He stared vacantly outward, not seeing the car or the road or the sidewalks before him - only your face, your body in the dress you wore out tonight. Wondering if that’s the picture the police would ask for when they found your body washed up in the bay.

Get ahold of yourself. You've faced worse on the Enterprise and come back in one piece. She’s probably just with one of her friends.

Leonard looked down at the jacket in his hands, and prayed for the first time in a very long time. He walked back to his car and parked it at a restaurant nearby, figuring it would be easier to find some trace of where you went on foot. Jim called a few times, threatening to call the police if Leonard didn't pick up. When he finally did it was to assure Jim that he had a handle on everything. Leonard wasn't sure if he’d ever told a lie bigger than that.

Walking around looking for clues seemed like a good idea until Bones realized he didn't know where he was going. His mind was lost in thoughts of you, remembering your first date, your first kiss, the way you snort softly when you laugh. Dread crept in his stomach with ever step Leonard took, writhing and twisting like a nest of snakes.

Leonard didn't know how long or how far he’d walked until he passed the diner where he’d asked you on your first date. You laughed at him then, saying you thought you were already on a date. He fumbled out some kind of apology, wondering how you made his usually steady hands so shaky and knowing then and there you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It was embarrassing how quickly and deeply he loved you, doodling your name with his on a spare notepad on his desk after only a few dates. Mrs.

“Leonard McCoy.” Bones whipped around as his thought came to life, though slurred and distant. “Leeeeeee you have to come in! You won't guess who we ran into!”

Bones looked at you like he’d been lost in the desert and you were water, like a pious man at the foot of a god. Then he ran to you. You giggled as he lifted you off your feet, burying his face against your shoulder before setting you down and kissing you like it was his last breath.

You only managed a few seconds before you burst into giggles again, arms slung around Bones’ shoulders as you stared up at him. “I’m happy to see you too, pumpkin.” You brushed your nose against his.

“Why didn't you take your phone,” Bones asked as all the adrenaline left his body. His voice quivered and tears burned at his eyes harsher than the wind that picked up.

“My phone?” You furrowed your brow, trying to get your thoughts in some semblance of an order but the alcohol stopped you. “I’m sorry, babydoll. I thought I had it. Must’ve been too excited to go out. Did you call me?”

“At least ten times,” Bones snapped back. He pinched his eyes shut, knowing it would do no good to get mad at you while you were drunk. “I was supposed to pick you up at the bar.”

“Shit. Shit. I forgot. I’m sorry, peaches, I ran into an old friend and I totally forgot.” Bones couldn't help the twinge of a smile at your ridiculous nicknames for him. “God, I’m useless when I'm drunk,” you laughed.

“Well, how ‘bout I take you home and sober you up with some movies and popcorn and then you can make it up to me?”

You giggled again, feeling like a schoolgirl hearing the word “penis” for the first time. Practically skipping to your friends’ table as Bones hovered in the doorway. You kissed each of them goodbye and grabbed your purse. “Thanks for returning this Phillip! We’ll have to catch up another time or Mr. Grumps over there might kill me.” You winked clumsily at Bones before stumbling up to him and throwing an arm around his waist. “Ready to go, Lenny Benny?”

Bones couldn't stop the laugh that left him. Nothing put him at ease like having you back in his arms. Well, except maybe having you in his bed but that would come later. 

Tags!

@daybreak96 @8bit-arc-reactor @jimtkirkisabitch @sjlovestory @outside-the-government @martinawalker @thevalesofanduin @goingknowherewastaken @yourtropegirl @mysteriously-lost-forever @feelmyroarrrr @yukki-art @atari-writes @pabegay1 @bolontiku  @brooke-taylor0323 @anotherotter

[femmescripter]

Why You Can't use Klance for a Parody Fanfic of "The Count of Monte Cristo"

So I have been getting into the DreamWorks reboot of the original Voltron series called Voltron: Legendary Defender. And I really like it. It’s pretty cool, I like the concept and the racial diversity both with the team’s skin tones and the alien species.

Anyway, as I have been getting familiar with the franchise I have come to notice that the most popular pairing is Klance, between Keith Kogane and Lance McClain. That being said there are a lot if fanfics about these two. Cannon based, AUs and parodies alike. Now when it comes to parodies a lot of us like to use musicals as the foundation. And I’ll bet at least one of you reading this was planning to do the same thing with Keith and Lance. Well good for you! I think it will be cool. I only have one bit of advice;

DO NOT use the musical “The Count of Monte Cristo”.

When I say that, you probably ask why. Well I have several reasons as to why not. Thirteen of them actually. So if any of you guys reading this are extremely superstitious then I’m sorry, just skip this part. Also I’m going by the dominant!Lance/submissive!Keith route so Lance is Edmond Dantes and Keith is Mercedes. And even it I switched it around the results would be the same. So don’t bother trying to find a loophole. I crunched the numbers and it won’t work. Also beware as there may be spoilers for those who haven’t read the book by Alexander Dumas.

Now, onto the list of reasons…

Reason #1) No way in hell would Keith let Lance go away on a ship for three months without him. And I know you’re all probably like “But we can just change Keith’s character to be like Mercrdes”. However that would make him way too OOC, and then your inner critique will be screaming at you for making such a first day Fanfiction.Net user mistake.

Reason #2) Lance may be a cocky goof, but he can take a hint and knows when people are talking s**t about him. So when Monsiuer Morrel promoted Edmond to captain, rather than be oblivious about Danglar’s jealous hatred Lance would be like “Dude, I get that we had our differences but I still want you on this crew. I’ll need someone experienced to help me out. So bury the hachet?”.

Reason #3) Lance’s family would never let that drunken neighbor shake them down for money, and tell him he will get it when Lance returns. When you have a big family you need every bit of coin you can save. In fact I’m pretty sure that Lance’s mom would make the drunk neighbor work until his ass sobered up.

Reason #4) Keith wouldn’t spare the feelings of Prince Lotor, who will be playing as Fernand Mondego, for anything even if they were cousins. And when Lotor dares to suggest that Lance could be lost at sea he can expect to get punched out and thrown out. Then Keith would have left Marseilles with Lance forever.

Reason #5) I don’t know who would play Villefort, the lawyer who’s reputation would have been ruined if Edmond talked about some document or something, so I’ll leave him to you guys to cast. But either way I see Lance being like “Whoa, dude, chill! I’m not going to ruin your family name or whatever. I just wanted to borrow some eggs!”. Reason #6) For the song “When Love is True” this still applies to Klance, but Keith would want to the the Captain’s first mate. Not just the bride. Reason #7) Speaking in a logical sense, if Lotor and his fellow conspirators Villefort and Danglars(again, casting is up to you guys) were to sing their plans to frame Emdond IN A MOTHER F***ING PUBLIC BAR, I find it highly likely that the tinker/Pidge would come to Lance’s house and say “Hey, these stupid douches sang how they’re going to frame you for treason and this pretentious purple skinned hipster is going to steal Keith from you”. The musical will end right there with the conspirators all in jail, Keith and Lance get married and Lance flips them off from his boat as he cruises like a captain.

Reason #8) On the off chance the conspirators manage to continue their plan without a hitch, if they interrupt Lance and Keith’s wedding with their treason accusation their friends and family would beat them up and demand proof. And the couple would run off and become fugitives before they separated.

Reason #9) Again, on the off chance that the conspiracy continues without a hitch and we get to the song “Everyday A Little Death”, all of Prince Lotor’s efforts would be wasted. Keith isn’t going to marry someone else out of obligation like Mercedes did with Fernand no matter what people whisper behind his back. If it can’t be Lance, then it can’t be anyone! Plus he would help out Lance’s family in his absence. And while I’m on that topic, can I just say how Mercedes contradicted herself by marrying Fernand? In chapter three she said, quote, “If Edmond dies then I die as well”. But when Fernand lies about him being dead who does she marry? Fernand! And please keep in mind that he is her cousin! Not her cousin in spirit or second cousin by marriage, which would have been fine. But her FIRST BLOOD RELATED COUSIN!! That would mean that their son Albert is like their nephew in a way. How messed up is that? Ugh, let’s move on before I keep ranting…

Reason #10) When it gets to the point with the Mad Priest Abbe Faria, who is played by Coran, I think Lance would have put in a little hustle to try and save him in time. And if not he would bury him in the escape hole they dug then retrieve him later to give him a proper burial.

Reason #11) Once he gets to Monte Cristo, or Monte Voltron in this case, and Lance discovers the vast fortune he wouldn’t spend it all like crazy. He would donate most of the money to those who need it, and live modestly with his right hand Coran(only if he lived in the scenario I gave for number 10). Also he wouldn’t waste his time ruining the men who betrayed him. Oh he’ll get them back alright, like expose their crimes and put them in jail, but he won’t use the people in their circles to hurt them if they had nothing to do with it. Even when he is angry Lance just doesn’t have the heart to be cruel like Edmond was. And he wouldn’t overstep his method of vengeance either.

Reason #12) Once we reach the song “I Know Those Eyes/This Man is Dead” and Keith recognizes Lance, the Cuban boy tries to be dramatic and starts with “This man is dead…” but is cut short when Keith whacks him on the head and shouts “The f**k he is! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN FOR FOURTEEN YEARS!? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE TO ME OR YOUR MOM OR SIBLINGS!?!”. And Lance will whimper and plead for mercy being all like “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I was only trying to sound cool! I was going to tell you it was me amore, honest!”.

Reason #13) Keith and Lance get back at Lotor and the conspirators in a big finale together and after they’re in jail the couple live happily ever after.

So yeah…that’s why I don’t think “The Count of Monte Cristo” can work in a Klance slash fanfic parody. Or if you guys can find a way to make it work, go for it.

Well that’s it. Just wanted to share this little tid bit. Later.

@onimi18 @bbb35 @damare-draws @sumi-ink-ninja

[mattpayton]

Matt Payton’s Best Of 2018 Brought To You By MoviePass

Thank you for helping to make 2018 a huge success for all of us here at MoviePass, a company that is definitely housed in some sort of building with desks and not some trust fund kid running this thing from a Panera Bread before going to a court-ordered rehab program every morning!

When we heard Matt Payton was making his annual best-of lists for 2018 we thought this was a great partnership opportunity and told him we would be handling all the write ups this year. Technically this counts toward our 6,000 hours of community service that we owe after accidentally blowing up the scooter factory we were interning at, so let us all take a moment to reflect on the joys of giving back.

Let’s see some of his favorite releases from the past year, shall we? We only ask that you refrain from looking at this until March, as this is considered “peak list time” and it will cost an additional $14.95 a minute. We apologize for any inconvenience but sometimes we have to make hard decisions to keep offering you so many lists per month that you definitely want to read and have heard of!

MATT’S FAVORITE ALBUMS OF 2018

1. Cloud Nothings Last Building Burning

This album is a supercharged loud burst of frustrated energy that sounded great over our speakers until the repo man came in and loaded them into his truck. He called back later to say that the whole album slaps in between tirades asking us how we sleep at night. Super passionate guy!

2. Pusha T DAYTONA

We played this one at our party celebrating 1 million subscribers and our unpaid intern/CFO/in-house counsel was so taken by the album’s focused drive and straightforward production that he opted not to testify against us in the civil suit brought forth by our investors. I mean, we’re not talking about ongoing legal matters here, bump this shit at your next get together with your totally legit and above-board friends!

3. Parquet Courts Wide Awake!

Every one of our employees was given a copy of this album for taking a pay hiatus from February-December to show our appreciation for their sacrifices and access to their plasma. The ones who survived reported that the many styles attempted on this record were pulled off with aplomb!

4. No Age Snares Like A Haircut

At our quarterly board meetings we would usually need a fast, droning album to get things going after the sifter of China white would get depleted. We’ll be goddamned if this didn’t do the trick each time until we switched over to an audiobook on how to successfully steal someone’s identity without having to answer a bunch of e-mails. 

5. Snail Mail Lush

The arrangements on each of the songs are so rich that you can always appreciate something new with each listen just like the media can always appreciate how Netflix is the respectable behemoth on the scene even though they’re $20 billion in debt and put out mostly crap, but our heads are in the clouds because we wanted to give people affordable movie ticket prices. I just don’t get why we’re the assholes and people don’t talk about her vocal range on this record more. 

6. Earl Sweatshirt Some Rap Songs

Just breathe and do your exercises, your work doesn’t define you. There’s still time to open that fountain pen store you’ve always thought about. You can offer people unlimited ink for 5 years if they just give you 30 bucks up front. Then you could, oh this album is in a whole other realm and you want to stay there, just get some money...

7. Dilly Dally Heaven

...To stay afloat until the real customers kick in and they’ll pay for the ink as they go at full price. The initial free ink people will be grandfathered in but they’ll be offset. Wait, what if they just tell the other customers they got the hookup? Okay we’ll have to, sorry, these riffs will be stuck in your head for days and there’s no fat on the whole album, it sets a mood for sure, put something in the ink... 

8. KIDS SEE GHOSTS KIDS SEE GHOSTS

...That will slowly poison the people who paid so little for it so eventually everyone will be paying the full price and the huge profits will make up for the beginning losses. Phew! Glad I solved that pickle. The fact that the production style is kind of all over the place is actually this album’s strength, I don’t know, it’s good, okay? I got bigger fish to fry right now.

9. Vince Staples FM!

Like how do I keep the poison ink separate from the regular ink without tipping off one of the employees? I guess I could just work by myself in the store every day, but what kind of life is that? I could be like Vince Staples and make a product that gets more rewarding the more you engage with it, but I also need some me time.

10. Kurt Vile Bottle It In

If my mind isn’t sharp how will I develop a poison ink that slowly kills you without ingesting it? Maybe the smell could be so strong that you breathe it in and eventually collapses your lungs like coal. You see, this is why I need some time off because I just thought of that off the top of my head and I haven’t worked on MoviePass since October. I just appear laid back like Kurt Vile so no one realizes how intricate and consistent our output is that they almost start to take it for granted. 

Honorable Mention:

Anna Burch Quit The Curse

Jay Rock Redemption

MATT’S FAVORITE SONGS OF 2018

1. Parquet Courts “Total Football”

A rousing, mission statement type of song that’s so good you’ll just stay home and listen to it for months instead of going to the movies, allowing the company paying for said movies to get back into the black. 

2. NoName “Blaxploitation”

A song that will make people think and therefore distract them as they gather outside of your headquarters wielding pitchforks and lit torches to light your image in effigy. 

3. Pusha T “The Games We Play”

The type of song you’d want to drive around to, particularly if you’re fleeing the country with several briefcases containing IOUs and user agreements. 

4. Cloud Nothings “Leave Him Now”

Put this song on a mixtape for someone who you were interested in or legally has to tell you that they’re a cop before going on a backpacking trip through Europe with you.

5. Snail Mail “Full Control”

Lush by Snail Mail

This song would really work in a movie trailer provided that you had a movie membership that paid the cost of such things instead of giving you enough money to sneak in 70 minutes into the movie when the ticket seller goes on break.

6. No Age “Cruise Control”

A good song to put on when trying to set up a new IP address to illegally download a movie with Lithuanian subtitles because you’re certainly not going to be able to see it in a theater with our options. 

7. MGMT “Little Dark Age”

A song to play for that special someone who you’ve become close with thanks to the prison pen pal program as you’ve blown all your seed money on a Potsie from Happy Days scheme.  

8. Ty Segall “The Main Pretender”

Embed this song in an e-mail to your customers next time you explain to them that you sold all of their personal information to the Assad government and your DOB/SSN will be the passcode to detonate an explosive device.

9. Titus Andronicus “Number One (In New York)”

This song is so good you’ll only want to listen to it once a year, which is the same frequency you should see movies, preferably on a Tuesday morning not during a holiday week. 

10. Kurt Vile “Loading Zones”

The perfect song to play while screaming, “I was just ahead of my time!” into a mirror in the middle of the night while holed up in the remains of your childhood home you’ve mortgaged to the gills. 

MATT’S FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2018

1. First Reformed (Paul Schrader)

Now we’re on the movie side, our area of expertise! This came out when we were still offering our services without any strings attached. But after getting a glimpse into the persecuted mind of Paul Schrader we decided to put our customers through their own self-lacerating baptism by fire. Very inspirational movie for all of us!

2. The Favourite (Yorgos Lanthimos)

When this movie came out the only movies we made available were industrials from the 1920s that advocated to leave behind the children in the factories who got their fingers stuck in the bobbins. It was very funny and visually striking but not as informative as Pop Go The Weasels. 

3. The Death Of Stalin (Armando Iannucci)

This is the first film that Mr. Payton used our membership and it set him up with a false hope that going to the movies was going to be this easy and joyous from this point on. Much like the movie, we started showing all the backstabbing and deceit available to mankind shortly after the inciting incident.

  4. The Ballad Of Buster Scruggs (Joel & Ethan Coen)

This movie was seen at a theater using our service but at this point in the year people were so beaten down from lowered expectations that the Coen brothers sued us for stealing their themes of trying to make the best out of a life where you’re damned before you’ve begun. 

5. Leave No Trace (Debra Granik)

While we were still technically thriving when this movie came out, we soon took inspiration from the main characters of this movie and went off the grid for quite some time. When we came back and greeted the creditors who were roasting marshmallows over the burning remains of our ledgers they politely verified our identity before punching us in the solar plexus. 

6 Sorry To Bother You (Boots Riley)

This movie’s class conscious critique of capitalism made us nervous until we offered customers a time-share zamboni ownership for getting 12 friends to sign up for our service. That’s the kind of collective organizing we like to encourage!

7. Burning (Chang-dong Lee)

We did not make this movie available for our service so Mr. Payton had to pay a regular ticket price to see it. We made it up to him by automatically renewing his membership for the next 10 years, by which point we will be a chocolate of the month club. The movie also starts out as one thing and turns into quite another. So you’d think he’d admire us for it. 

8. Support The Girls (Andrew Bujalski)

This came out during the period where we would make movies available one day and then the next have nothing to offer and what an exciting time to be alive! Much like the characters had to do in the movie, you never knew what was going to come at you and make things extremely frustrating for no reason whatsoever. That’s why they call this a business and not just something I’m doing to prove to my dad that podiatry school would’ve been a waste of time.

9. Shoplifters (Hirokazu Koreeda)

We have a lot in common with this movie as it won the top prize at the Cannes film festival in France and we’re not allowed in the country since we tried to sell low-cost accordions to street urchins as part of our senior thesis at the Wharton School. But no one had any vision for these kinds of subscriptions services way back in the spring of 2017. 

10. If Beale Street Could Talk (Barry Jenkins)

The movie was touching and funny and full of great performances and if you happen to be interested in any investment opportunities for the love of god don’t talk to your financial advisor or fucking wife and just head down to the Embassy Suites off route 10 and meet me in the conference room after the sun goes down tonight. The prospectus will be written in invisible ink but the cookies will be made with the best Burry’s Fudge Town has to offer!

Honorable Mention:

Cold War (Pawel Pawlikowski)

A Quiet Place (John Krasinski)

Lean On Pete (Andrew Haigh)

Blaze (Ethan Hawke)

Filmworker (Tony Zierra)

MATT’S MOST OVERHYPED MOVIES OF 2018

1. Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham)

I’m glad you could make it here today and again, we don’t need to turn on the lights. The lady at the front desk said it would just disturb the other guests here. 

2. BlacKkKlansman (Spike Lee)

No, you don’t need to ask her. She definitely knows we’re in here and even asked if I’d go on a date with her earlier. She said something about having a hot cousin who is lonely if you want to double. 

3. Game Night (John Francis Daley & Jonathan Goldstein)

But that’s not the point right now, I have the investment opportunity of a lifetime here and the fact that you’ve read this far down on the best of the year list shows you’ve got what it takes to rake it in over the long haul. 

4. Can You Ever Forgive Me? (Marielle Heller)

Why yes, I wouldn’t mind speaking more clearly into the flower on your lapel. My, what a lovely fragrance that is! Panasonic, you say? I’m unfamiliar with that type of bouquet. 

5. Roma (Alfonso Cuarón)

So anyway, you just give me the money and I’ll come back with triple the amount after a few months! If you want to reinvest at that point, it’s up to you. Hey, what’s that taped to your chest? 

6. Isle Of Dogs (Wes Anderson)

Oh I get it, you’re a movie bootlegger. That’s why you wanted in on the ground floor of this. You wear audio equipment into theaters and you need a man on the inside of the business to gain more of a foothold. 

7. You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

Damnit! I knew this was too good to be true. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask that you get back into that car outside waiting for you with your two friends wearing sunglasses and matching jackets in the front seat that’s still running. 

8. First Man (Damien Chazelle)

No! You know what? I said 2019 was going to be the year I started trusting my gut more and I have a good feeling about you. Because a successful business needs a good idea and vision, which I have taken care of. It also needs money, which is where that extremely light suitcase I helped you carry comes in. 

9. Vice (Adam McKay)

So you have a passion for movies that occasionally has you bending the law to spread them to friends and loved ones? I’d rather have a partner who cares and has vital blood pumping through their veins than some old lifeless, rule-following bureaucrat. 

10. Widows (Steve McQueen)

I’d love to shake your hand to finalize this deal as soon as you’re done talking into the underside of your wrist. Let’s just wait until these gentlemen crashing through the windows make their way over to the concierge desk and we can sign this thing. Do you have a fountain pen? 

Just Plain Worst Movies:

Bohemian Rhapsody (Bryan Singer)

Chappaquiddick (John Curran)

Mute (Duncan Jones)

Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg)

Previous Years In Review

[trendingnewsb]

6 Things Hollywood Always Gets Wrong About Being A Teenager

Presumably, every single writer in Hollywood was at some point in time a teenager. At the very least, they probably inject themselves with teenage blood in order to keep their organs strong and their skin moist. So how in the world do they know nothing about them? It’s … it’s the cocaine, isn’t it? Well, whatever it is, pay attention, writers. We’re about to help you out …

6

All Teens Are Totally Free To Interrupt Gym Class Or Practice

Teen movies like to portray gym teachers and coaches as sadistic disciplinarians who must win at all costs, yet they’re also super OK with anyone walking onto the field and interrupting things. Movie football practice has to stop every three minutes for each player’s girlfriend to walk onto the field and have a long conversation with him. In The Duff, the protagonist goes right up to the quarterback as he’s running drills.

Lionsgate Films“Hey! Star athlete in the middle of a play! Let’s talk about science class! No, YOU get the hell off the field, COACH.”

In 10 Things I Hate About You, a male student interrupts an all-girl archery class without anyone telling him he’s not allowed to just show up there for so, so many reasons.

Touchstone Pictures“Sup? You in class? Being watched very closely by a protective gym teacher as you shoot a dangerous weapon? Cool, cool.”

In Superbad, Seth has no problem completely ruining the gym class soccer game to talk to his buddy. People seem a little annoyed, but not to the point of anyone kicking him out. The PE teacher barely manages an irritated “Come on.”

Columbia Pictures“No, YOU come on! Movie school by-law 48B states that if I want to ruin a soccer game, you can’t do a goddamn thing about it!”

Once you notice this, you’ll see it everywhere. In Juno, about 30 seconds into the movie, everyone’s favorite quirky preggo hipster interrupts a track team’s cross-country practice to talk to her baby daddy, and the rest of the team continues as if nothing matters. Sandy in Grease tries the same thing, and can’t seem to understand why Danny won’t talk to her, despite the fact that he’s obviously in the middle of track practice.

Paramount Pictures“Sandy, I need to get a mustachey blowjo- I mean FINISH PRACTICE.”

5

All Teenagers Take The Same Classes, Everywhere

While pop culture would have you believe that teenagers spend all day making sex bets and hatching revenge schemes in response to sex bets, the truth is that they spend most of their time sitting in class. Literally, everyone who has ever written a script should know this and be able to get this fundamental element of teen life right, but much like the teens of today, they just can’t even.

Real high schools have level systems to separate students by academic ability, if not AP or honors courses to further separate our future leaders from the future opioid addicts and pyramid scheme victims. Movies and television are always sorting characters into jock, nerd, and slacker roles — which would absolutely have different schedules — and then throwing them all into the same class and hoping nobody notices.

Teen shows will have the smartest kids in school taking the exact same class as the pothead four grades behind and the lineman about to get kicked off the football team for failing lunch. For instance, in Boy Meets World, Topanga winds up being the valedictorian, yet she’s in class with Cory, the idiot, and Shawn, the wisecracking slacker. Even toward the end of high school, they have the exact same classes. Is this a Philadelphia school with only one classroom’s worth of students?

ABC Studios“Psst! Topanga! Who is this ‘Biology’ girl everyone is talking about? Is she hot?”

On Saved By The Bell, Jessie is an obsessive overachiever who resorts to speed pills to study longer, Kelly is an airhead cheerleader, Screech is more like a chimpanzee than a human, and Zack is a sociopath who would break up an administrator’s marriage in order to get out of class. And yet there they are, all in the same room.

Universal Television“Welcome to All the Math 1.”

Daria is in the same class as the cheerleaders and football players, who are portrayed as being so stupid that she can barely manage to feel contempt for them. Which must suck for her, because she’s learning the same things at the same rate they are.

Paramount Television“Class, please open your All the Math books to Chapter 4: Beginner and Advanced Math.”

Mean Girls also apparently takes place in a school with only one math class. Cady is “really good” at math, while Aaron is “kinda bad” at it, and yet they are in the exact same class, junior year. Should a mathlete like Lindsay Lohan really be sitting behind the handsome boy who has to count on his fingers? What’s she going to get out of that situation, other than HPV?

Paramount Pictures“Teacher, the answer is 1 over cute butt to the dreamy eyes!”

Read Next

5 Common Sayings That Mean The Opposite Of What You Think

In The Duff, Bianca is great at science, while Wesley is a jock with grades so bad that he is academically ineligible to play football and might lose his scholarship to Ohio State University, home of this tweet. By the end of the movie, he can’t get a grade above a B+, even with Bianca tutoring him every day. How could they possibly be in the same class? She should be in AP physics with all the other nerds, and he should be collecting bugs and guessing the names of rocks. The point is, this isn’t a frontier classroom by a pig farm– teachers don’t throw all the kids into one room and read to all of them from the same Bible anymore.

4

Cool Kids Love Carpooling

Hip teens are all about their spicy memes, Tide pod lunches, and sharing one vehicle between large groups of friends. Hollywood thinks that nothing screams cool like the environmentally friendly practice of carpooling, especially if you’re a teenager heading to and from school. TV teens are, like, so totally concerned about their carbon footprint that they cram into cars like they’re Bangladeshi buses.

Warner Bros. Television“One Tree Hill? They should have called it One Car H-“ “I will crash this car, Melissa. I will do it. I would love to do it.”

And it’s not like we are talking about friends aimlessly cruising around together. No, this trope is specific to the school commute, which all movie teens love. They act like driving to five different houses at the crack of dawn to pick up everyone for first period fills them with the raddest, most tubular joy.

Paramount PicturesThat girl’s probably mean because she’s been operating a door-to-school shuttle since 5 a.m.

This strange phenomenon happens in pretty much all teen-centered media across the decades, from Fast Times At Ridgemont High to 13 Reasons Why. Which is odd, since real teenagers think carpooling is about as cool as unregulated gun ownership.

Universal PicturesThe only way these guys managed to visit three locations and smoke a pound of weed before school would be if they were trying to make it to school two days ago.

3

There Is An Unlimited Amount Of Time Between High School Classes

Movies and shows think the time between classes constitutes about 70 percent of the entire school day. In a real school, you usually get five minutes to walk three minutes’ worth of distance. It doesn’t leave a ton of time to have profound conversations or gather together for bully ambushes. But in fictional high schools, like the one in Boy Meets World, you can style your hair, witness the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship, and give yourself a haircut. All between classes, with no one expressing any sense of urgency.

Their school gives them 90 minutes between periods. They know you always gotta look fly.

In Riverdale, they have time to trade long monologues and accuse each other of elaborate murder plans while still presumably making it to their next class.

“Can some of this intrigue wait until after school? I only have 40 more minutes to make it to Beginner/Advanced All Math. You know this, because you have it too. So do all of you. Hey, why did we even switch rooms?”

2

Teenagers Are Always Having Consequence-Free Food Fights

In a movie or TV show, all it takes to turn a room into a war zone is for one character to yell the words “FOOD FIGHT!” It’s as if movie teens have been waiting their whole lives to get covered in cafeteria food — objectively the worst kind of food. Try to think if there’s ever been a time in your life when that proposition interested you, much less enthralled an entire room full of carefully styled teenagers in their favorite outfits.

20th Television“Tee-hee, look at us ruin thousands of dollars’ worth of musical equipment!”

That last picture is a property-destroying riot from Glee, in an episode about several of the senior Glee Clubbers coming to terms with how they’ll soon be leaving the only school where everyone expresses themselves through song and dance. They halfheartedly attempt to recruit their replacements, and somehow, moments later, it is the goddamn food Purge.

“I’m going to miss this place, you guys. Wait, I have an idea! DESTROY THE FUCKING SCHOOL!”

In Vice Principals, two rival educators are trying to kill each other, and their angry presence sparks a massive food fight. So it seems that any chaos, whether it is life and death or plain silly fun, will ignite the volatile powder keg that is teen lunching.

We see these inexplicable, random fights break out over and over in films like Matilda, Max Keeble’s Big Move, Whip It!, Valley Girl, and Animal House. They also happen in shows like Lizzie Macguire, Boy Meets World, The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, and even Power Rangers. Just because you defend the world from Lord Zedd does not mean you’re above trying to destroy a bunch of children with handfuls of chili.

Saban BrandsWhile they threw cake, 40,000 people died in a TurbanShell attack.

Picture the aftermath of a real school food fight. You’d have to spend at least a couple of hours covered in caked-on rotting food, all mixed together to form the exact recipe for vomit. You have to go home and explain to your parents why your best pants are ruined, your phone is filled with mashed potatoes, and your books have been soaking in melted Jello. The cafeteria is a legitimate biohazard that no school budget is prepared to deal with. Now try to picture the trouble you’d be in. Well, in a movie, nobody gives a shit.

You can create a tornado of garbage, and there won’t be a single consequence. Five episodes of Glee should have been them singing sad songs in detention after they destroyed an entire cafeteria. There should have been a scene in which they begged their principal not to press criminal charges with a Salt n’ Pepa song. You can’t simply decide to start a landfill where you stand because someone screams “food fight.” It absolutely does not go well when it happens in real life, as we see time and time and time and time again.

1

Teenagers Love To Hang Out Before Heading To School

For most of us, a school day started with a very unwelcome alarm, followed by a tough decision between personal hygiene and more sleep. Once you finally got ready and maybe ate something, you got on the bus or in the car with as close to zero seconds to spare as possible.

In movies, teenagers are always hanging out at their friends’ houses, meeting up in arcades, or stopping by the home of an elderly mad scientist of no relation to play guitar. High school has an average start time of 8:00 a.m., and most people take around 11 to 30 minutes to get ready. So even assuming you live next door to your school, you’re getting up at 7:48 at the latest. What kind of meth addict teenager gets up and does more than zero things before 7:48?

In a movie, that’s totally normal. Bill and Ted, two slacker kids failing out of school, managed to get up early enough to get together and then write, produce, and perform a music video before school.

Orion PicturesIt’s as if time travel movies don’t care about linear time.

Here’s a clip of Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad, both awake so early that they have time to share their masturbation fantasies while buying a slushie before school.

Jonah Hill, in particular, always seems to be up in time to run all his errands before his first class. He’s just a goddamn go-getter. In 21 Jump Street, neither he nor Channing Tatum mention how fucking early it is when they go pick up a new car before their first day as undercover high-schoolers. How the hell do movie teenagers manage to fit in a whole day before 8 a.m.?

Columbia Pictures/MGM StudiosIt’s as grand a mystery as 27-year-old Dave Franco being cast as a real, non-undercover high school student.

Diego Rivera is a film student from Chile. He’s sometimes funny on Twitter. Jordan Breeding also writes for Paste Magazine, the Twitter, himself, and is taller than literally every teenager.

You only wish you had an alarm clock as powerful as these kids’.

Support Cracked’s journalism with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more ways Hollywood sucks for teenagers, check out 5 Horrible Life Lessons Learned From Teen Movies and 5 Weird Things That Teen Shows Think About Actual Teens.

All the cool kids are following us on Facebook.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25504_6-things-hollywood-always-gets-wrong-about-being-teenager.html

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Dadlantis/Knitwits

well, i hope these are the right reviews for last night’s episodes. TVGuide said it should be Dimmsdale’s Got Talent (which belongs with Knitwits), but butch said it was Dadlantis and he was right the last time concerning Crockin the House so...

Dadlantis:

Mermaid!Timmy on the titlecard, like whaaaaat???? What’s with the sudden influx of putting Timmy into “girl attire”?? Nothing wrong with it, but it just seems so far left field and unprompted. Yeah we had it happen once or twice in the past as a gag, but how many episodes has it happened in now in this one season alone?? (no seriously, since this is an episode I found leaked, I don’t know which episodes have aired before this one has, so my numbers are skewed). It just seems weird to suddenly be a thing…

 Ok I loved how they brought back the old gaming music…until I saw the game. I know it’s probably meant as a Mario spoof in part, but still…not even 5 seconds into the episode and toilet humor…uhg! The music had me so pumped, then you ruined it.

 I actually love the plot setup. Mundane problem: clean up the ocean science project. Chloe deciding to use her magic to make it harder but do better, and Tim going “yeah no, I’m lazy”. It’s great! Also love that Chloe believes in mermaids ^^ (she didn’t believe in aliens so…can’t guarantee she’ll believe in any sort of cryptid)

 The fishbowl=toilet though…yeah…proper fish care is totally important, but another toilet joke so soon…uhg…

 It’s the return of Dad’s bongos! Idk about the “abandoned mine shaft your mother hid them in” was really necessary, but I’ll let it slide for a good call back.  Bongo-quake though…not as good, but I’ll still let it slide, because maybe it’s plot device

 Pointless Crocker, take a shot (thank ra I don’t drink or these episodes would kill me some days…)

 Oh wow, we get some interior looks at the Turner house. That’s really neat! We do rarely see any hallways, and I think we’ve only seen Mom and Dad’s room like twice. We need a good floor plan, just saying

*files away “Bongo-lodesh” for Superverse purposes later…*

 I did like Dad’s whole running away speech. It was very 7 year old, but it was cute and funny. And spare ribs are so totally worth coming back for lol

 And he actually becomes mermaid-nice!! Accidentally called “Tina”, ok…called a knockout ^^;;; … “get out of this bikini top” lol.  But you know, since Chloe wished they were mermaids it totally makes sense, so I like it. Tina Turntrout now has to be a thing.

 Neptuna King of Atlantis??? What happened to Greg?? Is he no longer in charge? Was he not in charge to begin with? Are these a new faction of merfolks because they are red finned, whereas Greg’s people were all green??? I mean Neptuna has the right skintone and hair colors/styles to fit in Wet Willie…and Gary even has Dwight’s hair style…

 Also, bit creepy how everyone keeps saying Tim’s such a pretty mermaid…though I guess he is wearing the seashell bra so he has a bust whereas Chloe’s got a band and it’s flat, so that makes sense ^^; “no dude I’m a dude” yeah…you’re probably going to end up as a seahorse now man ^^;; but then trying to hook up prince lonely Gary with Timmy ^^; wow. I mean I love it, still a tad creepy, but think of all the development this gives the Superverse for undersea lands

 Scalding hot soup, in a bowl, underwater…well I guess we’re using Spongebob logic here

 “We’re about to get a bad grade on our science project AND your dad’s about to be eaten by a clam! I don’t know which is worse!!” Chloe subscribes to the Hermione method of prioritizing lol

 “I could end up the world’s biggest pearl” I feel like that’s the door opening for a SU mashup

 I love how Tim and Chloe were on eth same page about the plan even before saying it. They really are starting to get one another aren’t they.

 Dad’s list of demands is a cliche gag, but we’ll roll with it. As is the ending; of course what caused the problem in the first place is what fixes it, and thus Dad learns nothing from his mistakes because in saving the day he is validated as right and nothing wrong he did before counts anymore

 “You get to marry Gary” lol yeah no *still jots notes about Gary down for Superverse*

 And more pointless Crocker, oh boy…but hey another call back to Dad’s bongo cds

 So this episode was actually very enjoyable! Even though it messes up previous canons (why did no one in Atlantis recognize Cosmo as the great destroyer?? Is this a different Atlantis then?? (I’m voting yes) because it’s established so many times he ruined Atlantis, it just feels wrong not to address that…the plot itself was sort of contrived, but it was fun enough. Also mermaid!Timmy was great.

 I am totally having these red merfolks be a different faction from the green merfolk in Superverse, so be prepared for Dwight to get his “Black Manta” at some point now, and by some point I mean later. be on the lookout

Knitt-Wits:

Ok I admit, after seeing the title for this one I got sort of excited, because I enjoy knitting. The thought of Chloe trying to rope Tim into knitting was me pumped…and then I read the synopsis, and…yeah, not the case. But I’m still looking forward to seeing what does happen at least…

 That is a really nice pillow fort, like for reals. Also got a giggle out of “Sir Sucks-a-lot”

 Heehee Chloe not wanting to be a “damsel in distress” because she’s a “strong and empowered woman of the new millennium”. I like it, it shows character, but like, we have seen her as a damsel in distress a few times, so it shows something she’s wanting to overcome too. But like, I always try to show Chloe as a capable young adult, so it’s nice that the sentiment is shared. And back to Timmy in drag. I am liking the new girly hair though *takes notes* but their matching outfits are cute ^^

 Dad blatantly ignoring/glossing over the “strange talking inanimate objects” yup…

 Bathroom joke…take a shot

 But Chloe sweetie, that 7 degrees of separation was a slight stretch…but I totally relate to that! Thoughts going a mile a minute, so you jump from one thing to the next and it doesn’t seem connected but is. Also, who knew Chloe wanted to sing (karaoke battles with Francis to BrittneyBrittney songs seems far more plausible now)

 And welcome to the plot. Dad can’t spell so they go on a knitting cruise instead of a knight cruise. Contrive plot? Oh yeah. But let’s see how it plays out…

 50 shades pun, omr ^^;;; it’s a good one though, so points

 OH! It’s her one-woman show!! I totally forgot about that from Nuts and Dangerous. Du Chloe wants to be a singer, silly brain

 So now Cosmo and Wanda want to renew their vows just like Mom and Dad. Hm….could this be a call back to the fact that their wedding anniversaries are supposed to be the same day??? Probably not, since that factoid had been retconned once I think, but still

 Random Wandissimo???? O.o when did he start wearing a belt…and also, why are you even here??? I mean, nice to see you because it’s been AGES, but really dude? Why??? Butt joke! But man, has Wandissimo really been reduced to a one-note character…he’s getting into (or even past) stalker-territory like Tootie was, and we all know what happened to her…

 Mr .Bickles???? Wow, we’re just dragging back all the old flamboyant characters aren’t we (so where is my Sanjay??)

 Random Catman???? How many more characters can we cram into this??? I mean, at least Catman makes sense, since he’s the right age for this, and all eth yarn. But holy cameos Catman! And Wandergal and Don return too…huh…GAAAAHHHH!!! THEY CHANGED WANDERGAL’S COLORS!!!!! I know I already freaked about this, but that is a SERIOUS change, not “Veronica’s eyes are pink for 5 frames” change, but she’s like a completely DIFFERENT character with those colors. That’s just WRONG! She looks like the granny version of Goldenlocks now color wise, and that is wrong! I just…UHG! Can’t even stay on model when you created the character not but a handful of episodes earlier. Major point loss here >> (this might have just ruined the whole episode for me)

 Too many plots with separate problems. So yes Tim give us the blanket wish to fix everything…but also probably make it worse…oh no, it actually made it better for once. Nice.

 And Catman marries (not really) Wandergal in the end?? Idk how legally binding that is since he’s a 10-12 year old boy, just saying…

 So over all, this was 110% filler. It started off cute and tolerateable, but had far too many plot threads, too many pointless/random characters, and they colored Wandergal incorrectly.

I feel putting these two episodes together was a very bad choice. Neither of them are super great, and when you put them together, it’s just a big let down. Not that Dimmsdale’s Got Talent balances Knitwits, but Chloe Rules is a pretty good one. but i guess looking at their counter episodes, they went and skipped all the Kevin episodes because Kevin hasn’t been revealed yet. which is so stupid. just give up Kevin already and stop screwing up the airing order.

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6 Things Hollywood Always Gets Wrong About Being A Teenager

Presumably, every single writer in Hollywood was at some point in time a teenager. At the very least, they probably inject themselves with teenage blood in order to keep their organs strong and their skin moist. So how in the world do they know nothing about them? It’s … it’s the cocaine, isn’t it? Well, whatever it is, pay attention, writers. We’re about to help you out …

6

All Teens Are Totally Free To Interrupt Gym Class Or Practice

Teen movies like to portray gym teachers and coaches as sadistic disciplinarians who must win at all costs, yet they’re also super OK with anyone walking onto the field and interrupting things. Movie football practice has to stop every three minutes for each player’s girlfriend to walk onto the field and have a long conversation with him. In The Duff, the protagonist goes right up to the quarterback as he’s running drills.

Lionsgate Films“Hey! Star athlete in the middle of a play! Let’s talk about science class! No, YOU get the hell off the field, COACH.”

In 10 Things I Hate About You, a male student interrupts an all-girl archery class without anyone telling him he’s not allowed to just show up there for so, so many reasons.

Touchstone Pictures“Sup? You in class? Being watched very closely by a protective gym teacher as you shoot a dangerous weapon? Cool, cool.”

In Superbad, Seth has no problem completely ruining the gym class soccer game to talk to his buddy. People seem a little annoyed, but not to the point of anyone kicking him out. The PE teacher barely manages an irritated “Come on.”

Columbia Pictures“No, YOU come on! Movie school by-law 48B states that if I want to ruin a soccer game, you can’t do a goddamn thing about it!”

Once you notice this, you’ll see it everywhere. In Juno, about 30 seconds into the movie, everyone’s favorite quirky preggo hipster interrupts a track team’s cross-country practice to talk to her baby daddy, and the rest of the team continues as if nothing matters. Sandy in Grease tries the same thing, and can’t seem to understand why Danny won’t talk to her, despite the fact that he’s obviously in the middle of track practice.

Paramount Pictures“Sandy, I need to get a mustachey blowjo- I mean FINISH PRACTICE.”

5

All Teenagers Take The Same Classes, Everywhere

While pop culture would have you believe that teenagers spend all day making sex bets and hatching revenge schemes in response to sex bets, the truth is that they spend most of their time sitting in class. Literally, everyone who has ever written a script should know this and be able to get this fundamental element of teen life right, but much like the teens of today, they just can’t even.

Real high schools have level systems to separate students by academic ability, if not AP or honors courses to further separate our future leaders from the future opioid addicts and pyramid scheme victims. Movies and television are always sorting characters into jock, nerd, and slacker roles — which would absolutely have different schedules — and then throwing them all into the same class and hoping nobody notices.

Teen shows will have the smartest kids in school taking the exact same class as the pothead four grades behind and the lineman about to get kicked off the football team for failing lunch. For instance, in Boy Meets World, Topanga winds up being the valedictorian, yet she’s in class with Cory, the idiot, and Shawn, the wisecracking slacker. Even toward the end of high school, they have the exact same classes. Is this a Philadelphia school with only one classroom’s worth of students?

ABC Studios“Psst! Topanga! Who is this ‘Biology’ girl everyone is talking about? Is she hot?”

On Saved By The Bell, Jessie is an obsessive overachiever who resorts to speed pills to study longer, Kelly is an airhead cheerleader, Screech is more like a chimpanzee than a human, and Zack is a sociopath who would break up an administrator’s marriage in order to get out of class. And yet there they are, all in the same room.

Universal Television“Welcome to All the Math 1.”

Daria is in the same class as the cheerleaders and football players, who are portrayed as being so stupid that she can barely manage to feel contempt for them. Which must suck for her, because she’s learning the same things at the same rate they are.

Paramount Television“Class, please open your All the Math books to Chapter 4: Beginner and Advanced Math.”

Mean Girls also apparently takes place in a school with only one math class. Cady is “really good” at math, while Aaron is “kinda bad” at it, and yet they are in the exact same class, junior year. Should a mathlete like Lindsay Lohan really be sitting behind the handsome boy who has to count on his fingers? What’s she going to get out of that situation, other than HPV?

Paramount Pictures“Teacher, the answer is 1 over cute butt to the dreamy eyes!”

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5 Common Sayings That Mean The Opposite Of What You Think

In The Duff, Bianca is great at science, while Wesley is a jock with grades so bad that he is academically ineligible to play football and might lose his scholarship to Ohio State University, home of this tweet. By the end of the movie, he can’t get a grade above a B+, even with Bianca tutoring him every day. How could they possibly be in the same class? She should be in AP physics with all the other nerds, and he should be collecting bugs and guessing the names of rocks. The point is, this isn’t a frontier classroom by a pig farm– teachers don’t throw all the kids into one room and read to all of them from the same Bible anymore.

4

Cool Kids Love Carpooling

Hip teens are all about their spicy memes, Tide pod lunches, and sharing one vehicle between large groups of friends. Hollywood thinks that nothing screams cool like the environmentally friendly practice of carpooling, especially if you’re a teenager heading to and from school. TV teens are, like, so totally concerned about their carbon footprint that they cram into cars like they’re Bangladeshi buses.

Warner Bros. Television“One Tree Hill? They should have called it One Car H-“ “I will crash this car, Melissa. I will do it. I would love to do it.”

And it’s not like we are talking about friends aimlessly cruising around together. No, this trope is specific to the school commute, which all movie teens love. They act like driving to five different houses at the crack of dawn to pick up everyone for first period fills them with the raddest, most tubular joy.

Paramount PicturesThat girl’s probably mean because she’s been operating a door-to-school shuttle since 5 a.m.

This strange phenomenon happens in pretty much all teen-centered media across the decades, from Fast Times At Ridgemont High to 13 Reasons Why. Which is odd, since real teenagers think carpooling is about as cool as unregulated gun ownership.

Universal PicturesThe only way these guys managed to visit three locations and smoke a pound of weed before school would be if they were trying to make it to school two days ago.

3

There Is An Unlimited Amount Of Time Between High School Classes

Movies and shows think the time between classes constitutes about 70 percent of the entire school day. In a real school, you usually get five minutes to walk three minutes’ worth of distance. It doesn’t leave a ton of time to have profound conversations or gather together for bully ambushes. But in fictional high schools, like the one in Boy Meets World, you can style your hair, witness the beginning, middle, and end of a relationship, and give yourself a haircut. All between classes, with no one expressing any sense of urgency.

Their school gives them 90 minutes between periods. They know you always gotta look fly.

In Riverdale, they have time to trade long monologues and accuse each other of elaborate murder plans while still presumably making it to their next class.

“Can some of this intrigue wait until after school? I only have 40 more minutes to make it to Beginner/Advanced All Math. You know this, because you have it too. So do all of you. Hey, why did we even switch rooms?”

2

Teenagers Are Always Having Consequence-Free Food Fights

In a movie or TV show, all it takes to turn a room into a war zone is for one character to yell the words “FOOD FIGHT!” It’s as if movie teens have been waiting their whole lives to get covered in cafeteria food — objectively the worst kind of food. Try to think if there’s ever been a time in your life when that proposition interested you, much less enthralled an entire room full of carefully styled teenagers in their favorite outfits.

20th Television“Tee-hee, look at us ruin thousands of dollars’ worth of musical equipment!”

That last picture is a property-destroying riot from Glee, in an episode about several of the senior Glee Clubbers coming to terms with how they’ll soon be leaving the only school where everyone expresses themselves through song and dance. They halfheartedly attempt to recruit their replacements, and somehow, moments later, it is the goddamn food Purge.

“I’m going to miss this place, you guys. Wait, I have an idea! DESTROY THE FUCKING SCHOOL!”

In Vice Principals, two rival educators are trying to kill each other, and their angry presence sparks a massive food fight. So it seems that any chaos, whether it is life and death or plain silly fun, will ignite the volatile powder keg that is teen lunching.

We see these inexplicable, random fights break out over and over in films like Matilda, Max Keeble’s Big Move, Whip It!, Valley Girl, and Animal House. They also happen in shows like Lizzie Macguire, Boy Meets World, The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, and even Power Rangers. Just because you defend the world from Lord Zedd does not mean you’re above trying to destroy a bunch of children with handfuls of chili.

Saban BrandsWhile they threw cake, 40,000 people died in a TurbanShell attack.

Picture the aftermath of a real school food fight. You’d have to spend at least a couple of hours covered in caked-on rotting food, all mixed together to form the exact recipe for vomit. You have to go home and explain to your parents why your best pants are ruined, your phone is filled with mashed potatoes, and your books have been soaking in melted Jello. The cafeteria is a legitimate biohazard that no school budget is prepared to deal with. Now try to picture the trouble you’d be in. Well, in a movie, nobody gives a shit.

You can create a tornado of garbage, and there won’t be a single consequence. Five episodes of Glee should have been them singing sad songs in detention after they destroyed an entire cafeteria. There should have been a scene in which they begged their principal not to press criminal charges with a Salt n’ Pepa song. You can’t simply decide to start a landfill where you stand because someone screams “food fight.” It absolutely does not go well when it happens in real life, as we see time and time and time and time again.

1

Teenagers Love To Hang Out Before Heading To School

For most of us, a school day started with a very unwelcome alarm, followed by a tough decision between personal hygiene and more sleep. Once you finally got ready and maybe ate something, you got on the bus or in the car with as close to zero seconds to spare as possible.

In movies, teenagers are always hanging out at their friends’ houses, meeting up in arcades, or stopping by the home of an elderly mad scientist of no relation to play guitar. High school has an average start time of 8:00 a.m., and most people take around 11 to 30 minutes to get ready. So even assuming you live next door to your school, you’re getting up at 7:48 at the latest. What kind of meth addict teenager gets up and does more than zero things before 7:48?

In a movie, that’s totally normal. Bill and Ted, two slacker kids failing out of school, managed to get up early enough to get together and then write, produce, and perform a music video before school.

Orion PicturesIt’s as if time travel movies don’t care about linear time.

Here’s a clip of Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad, both awake so early that they have time to share their masturbation fantasies while buying a slushie before school.

Jonah Hill, in particular, always seems to be up in time to run all his errands before his first class. He’s just a goddamn go-getter. In 21 Jump Street, neither he nor Channing Tatum mention how fucking early it is when they go pick up a new car before their first day as undercover high-schoolers. How the hell do movie teenagers manage to fit in a whole day before 8 a.m.?

Columbia Pictures/MGM StudiosIt’s as grand a mystery as 27-year-old Dave Franco being cast as a real, non-undercover high school student.

Diego Rivera is a film student from Chile. He’s sometimes funny on Twitter. Jordan Breeding also writes for Paste Magazine, the Twitter, himself, and is taller than literally every teenager.

You only wish you had an alarm clock as powerful as these kids’.

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For more ways Hollywood sucks for teenagers, check out 5 Horrible Life Lessons Learned From Teen Movies and 5 Weird Things That Teen Shows Think About Actual Teens.

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_25504_6-things-hollywood-always-gets-wrong-about-being-teenager.html

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