#also can you tell that i've completely changed the timeline

[bugsinshoes]

GUESS WHAT DAY TODAY IS !!!

HAPPY LAURIE CREATION DAY !!

i can't believe she's already a year old. she's grown so much as a character over time as i've developed her more. even with her design i feel like she's changed so much. ANYWAYS !!! as a treat, here are some of my first laurie drawings and concepts !!!

MY GIRL ❤️

ALSO !! here's a comparison of laurie now and then !!! i guess this is also to show my art improvement over the past year. it's actually insane. like WHAT.

laurie will forever have a special place in my heart and i will never stop drawing and talking about her. i just wanted to wish her a happy one year of creation :3

(throws this post and skedaddles away)

[areyouwell]

Nyctophobia

Noun: An extreme fear of the dark. Children or adults may have Nyctophobia if they are afraid to be left alone in darkness

Ch.1

Pairing: Logan Howlett x F!Mutant!Reader

Warnings: None as of yet, but we'll get there ;)

Word count: 9.2k

A/N: RIGHT FUCKERS ITS TIME. i don't think i've written a fic this long in goddamn years but here we are. DEFO ooc Logan and also timeline what timeline? Kitty is older than the rest of the students cuz i love her and i said so. reader's mutation is currently shadow-walking but that'll develop as we go on so slay boots. also I have no concept of word limits sooooo 9k chapter let's fucking go

How long had it been? Six months? A year? Two years? Honestly, you couldn’t recall. It felt like it had been forever since ol’ Charlie had sent you travelling the continent. Sure, it had been your idea to try and find mutants before they experience the most traumatic event of their lives, but you didn’t think he’d send you, and certainly not immediately. Though you were glad he did, you didn’t think Scott would make as good an impression as you could.

But, now you were back. Thank fuck. You could finally rest your weary legs and put down your heavy-as-shit bag. And at least now you could work on developing your mutation. Shadow walking. Or at least, it is now. You thought that was the extent of what you could do, just disappear and reappear whenever and wherever there happened to be a shadow cast on the ground. Or on a wall. Or anywhere really. But, Xavier had gently suggested that, perhaps, those shadows could be manipulated one way or another. You wished to fuck you knew how because your bag was all but cutting right through your shoulder.

Your boots crunched against the gravel as you took a deep breath, making your way inside. It was nice to notice nothing had changed. The lawn was still neatly mowed, brickwork hadn’t aged a day. It smelt like comfort. It smelt like home. But before you could even knock on the door, at least being courteous enough not to slip through the shadows, the oak burst open and two unidentified arms had wrapped themselves around your neck in one of the most warming hugs you’d ever received, accompanied by a high pitch squeal.

You knew instantly who that would be. Brown hair spilled across her shoulders, smelling faintly of lavender. “Hey Kitty,” you grinned, dropping your bag to return her tight embrace. It truly did feel like forever.

“I’m so happy to see you it’s been years! We thought you were never coming back! Scott thought you’d died and Charles wasn’t telling us, Logan didn’t think you even existed and that we were all lying, Jean thought you’d just got sick of this place and dipped, it was carnage!” She rambled, her deep brown eyes sparkling slightly. You had to take a minute to actually comprehend what the fuck she was saying before your lips split into a broad smile.

“Well, I can tell you that I’m not dead, at least not yet, and I do very much exist and I am not sick of this place despite what Jean may think. And– wait who’s Logan?” Your brain had only just caught up with the fact that Kit had mentioned a name completely unfamiliar to you. Just how long had you been gone?

“Oh, right yeah. A new teacher,” Kitty kept one arm around your shoulder as she guided you back inside, stopping only when you realised your bag was still left discarded by the front door. “He uh, sorta took your position as PE and combat professor… sorry.” She looked genuinely apologetic, whilst internally, you couldn’t be more grateful. You always thought you weren’t ever cut out to teach, and whilst you sometimes enjoyed it, you were always too worried about the kids being hurt. 

“I’m hurt, a girl’s gone for a year or two and you replace her? What kind of school is this?” you cracked a smile, Kitty’s face morphing from remorse to relief. She really thought you’d be upset? You were touched. “Anyway, what time is it? Where is everyone? I thought classes stopped at–” You were cut off abruptly upon entering the lounge.

“Welcome back!” you covered your face at the chorus of voices, laughing behind your hands before clutching your heart dramatically. 

“Christ! You’ve all just knocked five years off my life!” you grinned, faces both familiar and unfamiliar laughing and smiling just to see you.

“They’ve been looking forward to this for days. Ever since rumour of your return started circulating, they’ve been pestering us nonstop for a date. Eventually, someone caved,” You didn’t need to see Scott’s eyes in order to know he was giving Kitty a pointed look behind his glasses. You looked back to see her looking sheepish.

“Yeah well… they can be really persuasive.” She shrugged, taking your bag off your shoulder and placing it out of the way. You sighed at the loss of weight, rolling your joint slightly. 

“It’s good to see you,” Scott pulled you in for a brief hug, clapping your back once before pulling back, letting the rest of your friends and pupils make their way over. You were consumed by various arms of embraces, questions about your travels, introductions to new students, reminiscing with old students. It was quite possibly the best moment you’d had since you left. But a face caught your eye at the back of the crowd. A young girl, with the same dark brown hair you remember, only now a streak of brilliant white framed her face.

You made your way over, shuffling through the crowd, clasping hands and shoulders with people you knew before finally getting to her.

“Hey you,” you smiled gently, remembering how timid and easy to scare she used to be. You were caught off guard completely by her sudden bright smile. 

“Hey.”

“How long’ve you been here? I didn’t actually think you’d listen to me to be brutally honest with you, thought you’d just shrug it off and continue your own path,” you were relieved to see she had listened to what you’d said two years ago. You’d urged her down this path, to find the school. You’d already known Charles would take her, it was just a matter of her taking herself here.

“Uh… about that…” you’d only seen a smile that sheepish on Kitty. You cocked a brow, head tilting to the side slightly before a hand on your shoulder caused you to whirl. But it was just Ororo. Clearly, your travels had affected you more than you originally thought. 

But Storm wasn’t looking at you, you could only see the back of her white hair as she frantically waved at someone through the crowd, beckoning them over.

“Logan!”

Ah, you guess that made sense now.

Whoever you’d expected to walk through the crowd, you threw that image out your mental window the moment you saw him. 

Now you understood why he taught combat and PE… he was fucking ripped. White t-shirt leaving nothing to the imagination. The facial hair was an interesting choice, but you couldn’t say it didn’t suit him. He was very… rugged lumberjack looking.

You placed a hand on your hip, brows raised in intrigue as he made his way over. You don’t think you’d ever seen a grumpier-looking man. 

“Logan, this is Phantom,” your eyes slid to Ororo as she used your mutant name. 

“Ah, so you do exist,” his voice seemed a perfect match for the rest of him, just as rough and rugged as the worn jeans he was wearing. You nodded, mouth quirking into a small smirk.

“Heard there was some debate over that, glad I could put it to rest,” you outstretched your hand for him to shake, something you were surprised he actually did, calloused palm encasing your own.

“Can ya blame me?” He asked with a raised brow, dropping your hand after a beat too long. Clearly unaccustomed to civility, judging from his appearance. 

“Guess not. You’re also the son-of-a-bitch that stole my position, right?” You asked, wanting to be a lot more serious than you actually were being, but for some reason, you couldn’t help grinning slightly. 

“Language!” Storm elbowed you slightly. Guess you’d forgotten how to behave around the kids too.

Logan held his hands up in surrender. “In my defense, I didn’t think you existed,” though he also seemed serious, you thought you could detect something that could be perceived as humour in his hazel eyes. You couldn’t keep up your poorly constructed façade anymore, waving your hand as if to physically clear the air between the two of you.

“I’m kidding, you can keep it. In all honesty, I was never really cut out for it.” You shrugged. “Besides, I’m–”

“She’s being super modest by the way, she rocked as that professor!” Kitty called from the other side of the room, somehow managing to listen to your conversation. You didn’t know how, since the entire welcome party was still chatting way, but you cast her a withering look nonetheless. 

“So I’ve heard,” Logan’s eyes slid from Kitty back to you as you scoffed.

“Though, of course, it was purely hypothetical, since I didn’t exist and all.” You teased, gesturing to your very much existing self. You silently triumphed over the fact you managed to drag a small smile out of him, realising that making this man pull any other expression other than irritation was something to be proud of. 

You hadn’t realised how completely caught up in the introduction you’d been before you noticed the girl still standing next to you, eyes flicking between you and Logan with a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips. 

“Anyway,” you continued pointedly, “you were saying? So you didn’t come to find this place?” your head tilted again slightly in confusion. “How did you end up here?”

Rogue looked from you to Logan, who’s eyes were still trained on you. You looked between them. “Nope, still confused. How did…?” 

“Well, after you found me, I did carry on my own path, which led me to some shady bar where Logan found me,” she explained quietly.

“More you found me but sure.” He shrugged. You could tell there was some kind of bond between them, one you could recognise was only built through trauma. You’d heard a little of what happened with Eric through Charles’ telepathic link, but he always reassured you to continue what you were doing. But you often wondered what could have happened if you’d returned. 

“So, you brought her here?” You asked, trying to prompt the story forward. Honestly, you wanted to know how he’d succeeded where you’d failed. You could be incredibly persuasive when you wanted to be, but Rogue was stubborn on another level. 

“Me? Nah, didn’t know this place existed at that point.”

“Seems to be a common theme with you,” you couldn’t help the subtle teasing grin spreading across your face, nor your laugh as he rolled his eyes skyward.

“Never gonna live that down, am I?”

“Not whilst I’m still breathing,” you winked, before turning your attention back to Rogue and completely missing the way his features shuddered slightly. “So how’d you get here if tall, dark, and broody over here didn’t know about this?” 

“Tall, dark, and– what?” He asked, bewildered.

Ororo snorted in amusement, before stepping in. “That would be us. We’d been tracking another mutant, Sabretooth, and he just so happened to be tracking Logan, or so we thought at the time. We found Sabretooth, and these two at the same time. Brought them both back.” 

You nodded in understanding, now finally having got through the whole story. Well, maybe not the whole story, you knew there were details you definitely were missing, but at least you got the jist.

“I see. Glad it wasn’t my lack of persuasive skills then. Though I guess a life or death situation isn’t much better. How’s your mutation coming along?” you asked, only now noticing the black, elbow-length gloves she was wearing. Ah.

“Still hard to control, but I’m getting better at it!” She looked genuinely enthusiastic about her mutation, so much so that it almost brought a tear to your eye. When you’d met her two years ago, you didn’t know if she even wanted help. She’d been so lost in her despair and self-loathing that you didn’t think she had long left with the way her mental health was going. So to see her so happy, your throat closed up slightly.

“I’m glad, I really am. You deserve this, Rogue. All of this,” you gestured to the room around, to the friends she’d made, to the haven she’d found.

“Oh, my name’s Marie. Guess I didn’t tell you before.” She shrugged, and you had to laugh to stop yourself from crying. 

“Marie it is.” Her story touched your heart, and to see she managed to get her happy ending… fuck you were so close to crying. You had to change the subject before you broke down in front of these people. “Oh hey, is my room still the same? Wouldn’t mind freshening up a little, been a long journey.” Two birds with one stone. You could leave the situation and cry in your bathroom whilst taking a shower so you didn’t smell like the wrong end of a skunk. Perfect!

“Uh…” Storm started.

“About that…” Kitty continued, coming over to stand alongside Storm. You looked between them, before shooting a glance to Logan who seemed to be showing absolutely no remorse.

“Your bed’s real comfy, bub” he smirked, and you gaped.

“You’re fucking kidding me?”

“Language!” both Ororo and Kitty said at the same time, and you winced.

“Fuck, sorry. Shit! Argh!” you gave up, throwing your hands in the air. “I’m not letting any of you off the hook. This is betrayal at its finest! Giving him my position I can handle, but my damn room? That’s shocking behaviour from the both of you!” You pointed at them accusingly, shooting a glare to the man next to you who was doing nothing but lowly chuckling. You breathe out a sigh. You had the best room in the whole mansion. Or at least you did, before Muscles McGee stole it from you.

“Don’t blame those two” Jean placed a calming hand on your shoulder. “we didn’t have another room made up when these two arrived. It was supposed to be temporary, but–”

“The view was too nice to pass up on,” Logan interjected. You realised he probably thought it was his turn to tease you. You knew that view was nice, it was overlooking the entire grounds behind the school. And whilst you were going to sorely miss it, you weren’t so heartless that you’d take it back from him. Besides, in a weird way, you felt like you owed him. He found Marie, and whatever transpired between them, she seemed happier now. You guessed you maybe had him to thank for that.

“Yeah yeah, alright fine. I concede. Where am I then?” you asked Jean, who broke into a broad smile.

“You’re in the one above, still got the same view, don’t worry,” she elbowed you slightly. That wasn’t so bad actually. Same view, same side of the mansion, just one story up? You breathed a sigh of relief. Yeah, you could do that.

“Good enough, I’m still mad about it though.” Your eyes narrowed at four of them, Logan included, before cracking your neck in preparation to take your bag all the way up the stairs.

Kitty clapped her hands excitedly, and you raised a brow in suspicion. “What’s got you so giddy?” you asked as she once again slid her arm across your shoulders, guiding you back towards the door. 

“Oh nothing, just glad you're home. It’s been kinda boring without you.” You laughed at that. With everything that’s been going on, you didn’t think any of them had time to be bored. But you appreciated the thought nonetheless. 

Eyeing your bag on the ground, there were times when you really wished your mutation involved some kind of super strength, because as happy as you were to be home and have a room just above your old one, you really didn’t want to lug that thing all the way up. And all the damn lights were on, so slipping up through the shadows was a no-go. You blew out a breath in preparation, rolling your shoulder once again, before you were stopped by a broad hand landing on your arm.

“I got it,” Logan’s voice weaved butterflies through your stomach. You hadn’t realised he was behind you before he was leaning down next to you and effortlessly slinging the bag over his own shoulder.

For the second time that afternoon, you gaped up at him, left almost speechless. 

“Super strength?” Was all you could say, hoping to Jesus he knew what you were asking. You watched his features morph from confusion to amusement as he shook his head slightly. 

“Nah, not quite.”

“Then how the fu–” you were reminded of the children present by a sharp elbow to the ribs from Kitty. “–uuun. How fun.” you gave up on your question, much to his mirth. The sight had your brain short-circuiting. You wouldn’t deny he was good-looking. You’d be fucking crazy to deny that. But there was something else hidden under all those knowing smirks and sharp glances. Something that you wouldn’t mind uncovering. 

Deciding that was a quest for another day, you turned abruptly on your heel, making your way to the staircase before once again stopping in your tracks. This was starting to get on your nerves a little. However, any irritation soon died as you finally saw Professor Xavier.

“Ah, I wondered whether the commotion was your return.”

You snorted a laugh. “No, you didn’t. You absolutely knew it was my return.” You quipped back, earning yourself a laugh from the man.

“As quick as ever. And I see you’ve met our Wolverine.” Charles nodded to Logan next to you, and you turned to him in bemusement. 

“Wolverine? Seriously?” you asked, laughing at his shrug. “Can’t think why…” your sarcastic jab paired with your pointed looks from his hair to his body brought another amused smirk from the man. 

“I thought you two would get along. Get yourself settled back in and meet me in my office and your earliest convenience.” You nodded back to Xavier, unable to take a moment to process what he meant when he said he thought you and Logan would get along before Kitty began dragging you towards the stairs.

“C’mon! You’re gonna love it!”You were slightly worried about what it was but followed her nonetheless.

Logan had to admit, he didn’t mind carrying your bag up four flights of stairs. It wasn’t the worst way to spend his afternoon. And as much as he wasn’t the kind of guy to stare at a woman’s ass, he wasn’t mad that he was behind you. 

Everything he’d been told about you had been proven correct. At least, everything he’d seen so far. Whether or not you could hold yourself in a fight was up for debate, but everything else, your wit, your charm, heartbreaking kindness, humour… it was all right there in front of him. 

Literally.

He’d lost count of how many times he’d had to bite back a smile or a laugh, stunned by the fact that you actually managed to break through and pull both from him. Even now, as you paused before the landing that lead to your old room and sighed wistfully, had had to stop himself grinning. And he was glad you turned back around quickly after throwing him a pointed glare over your shoulder because that was another smile he was struggling to rein in. Fuck, how did you do it? He’d only known you for half an hour and he’d displayed more expression than he had in his whole two years of being here. 

He was in huge trouble. 

The stairs finally flattened out to the top floor landing, Kitty still leading the way down the corridor until the final room. It was isolated, like his one floor below, and he guessed you must like it that way. Which he thought strange. The way you were with others, he hadn’t exactly pegged you for being someone who liked her space. But then again, he’d only known you for thirty minutes.

He had to remind himself of that. 

“Here we are!” Kitty grinned excitedly, stepping to the side to let you open the door yourself. Logan knew what you’d find behind the wood. He’d helped set it up after all. Some twisted guilt forced him into helping. At least, that’s what he told himself. 

You eyed Kitty suspiciously, before twisting the handle on the door, pushing slightly to reveal what she was so excited about. 

If Logan was being honest, your expression was worth all the consuming guilt he’d felt by taking your room. A smile of pure, unadulterated awe wiped all thought from his mind, your eyes were practically glowing.

“You… Kitty, you didn’t need to do this,” You looked back to the giddy girl and pulled her into a tight hug. Everything you remembered was here. Your posters, fairy lights, and every single plant you’d nourished and grown made your room look like a rainforest. The light in the ceiling had been covered by patterns to ensure there was always shadows cast somewhere, whether it be floor, wall, or ceiling. 

“It wasn’t just me! I employed help,” Kitty smiled, taking the liberties she knew she had to sit cross-legged on your bed. “And others offered to help.”

Logan held his breath as he felt your attention shift from Kitty to him, meeting your gaze of sheer wonder. 

“You helped?” you asked, taking your bag from his shoulder, though he was almost too caught up in your gaze to notice.

“Here an’ there…” he muttered, trying to calm himself by leaning against the doorframe, folding his arms across his chest, attempting to escape your eyes by looking around your room. 

“Here and there? That’s such a lie! He’d heard about your mutation, the shadow-casting thing was his idea!” Kitty grinned excitedly, and you all but choked on the realisation. He did this for you. He didn’t even know you, and he did this for you. 

“Kitty, that’s en–oof!” Logan barely had time to react before your arms were around his neck, your chin resting on his shoulder. Your scent hit him like a truck, and it was nothing like how he’d imagine it. Not that he had imagined it…

“Thank you,” you whispered earnestly, and any guard he’d put up previously melted away. He didn’t exactly return your embrace, but his hands somehow found your waist as you pulled back, keeping your arms across his shoulders. “Maybe I can forgive you for stealing my old room now. Oh! And my job. And not believing I exist,” your grin held more mischief than he ever thought possible, but now you were back to teasing, he felt his thoughts return. 

“Anythin’ else?” He asked, mirroring your expression.

“Not yet, but I’m sure I’ll think of something,” was it Logan’s sudden and overactive imagination, or did your eyes just flicker to his lips?

Was it the sudden physical contact that made your body hum this way, or was it just the fact that he could bench-press three of you? You didn’t care, and somehow, you didn’t think he did either. 

Until very suddenly and very abruptly, you did care. You stepped out of his hands far too quickly for his liking, your arms falling back by your sides. Though you didn’t look like you regretted anything. 

“I really appreciate this, from both of you. And whoever else helped. This is… well it’s better than what I was imagining,” you gestured to the room around you. It truly was perfect for you. They’d really outdone themselves. He’d really outdone himself. And you couldn’t help the warmth that spread from the centre of your chest to your limbs. You wanted to know more about him. “What’s your mutation, by the way? You never said,” you asked before you could stop yourself, and Logan blinked in surprise.

Holding his fist up, he flexed the tendons holding his claws. He no longer winced when his knuckles split. No longer grimaced as he sliced through his own flesh, though watching your face did cause him to worry just a little. 

You held your silence for a moment, not really knowing what to say. That looked painful as fuck, but you felt that asking might make it worse. “I see…” was all you said, before it hit you. “Wolverine! I get it now. It made sense before but now it actually fits!” You exclaimed, chuckling at his confusion. 

“Whaddya mean it made sense before?” 

“Don’t think too much into it,” you winked again, and Logan swore his heart stopped. 

“Yeah, alright Phantom.” He cocked a brow at the playful narrow of your eyes before you melted into the shadows right in front of him. He’d been made aware of your mutation, having overheard Jean using both you and Kitty as examples of phasing mutants, but to actually see it for himself? He couldn’t say he wasn’t impressed. He glanced around the room, retracting his claws as he looked for where you could have gone. 

“Get it now?”

Logan whipped around to see you standing behind him, arms folded across your chest, a mischievous grin plastered across your features. 

You always felt a sense of freedom when you released yourself into the shadows, like holding yourself in this corporeal state was somewhat of an effort. But letting yourself be free, to move like liquid amongst the darkness, it was like refueling a beaten truck. 

Logan’s lips quirked into a smile as he nodded once. “Got it,” the silence lingered once again, some kind of charge energy crackled in the space between the two of you before he cleared his throat. “Kitty, we should– the fuck?” 

You popped your head to the side, peering around Logan to see the space on your bed Kitty used to be sitting in was now completely empty. “Guess she left,” you shrugged. “Or she never existed.” That earned you a flick to the forehead from Logan, and you laughed, batting away his hand. How long had it been since you’d felt this comfortable with someone this quickly? Either it had been years, or never. 

“I’ll leave you to it,” he smiled, this time completely unrestrained. And fuck was he gorgeous. But you had to remember this was a man you’d just met. 

He had to remember this was a woman he’d just met.

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll uh, see you later?” You didn’t mean for your voice to sound so hopeful at the end, but honestly? It was worth seeing him turn back to you with that same smirk you’d seen countless times already.

“Sure.” He said, before closing the door. 

You sat heavily on your bed, your head in your hands. “What the fuck?” 

Little did you know, Logan was having a similar reaction right outside your door, his back against the wood as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. “What. The. Fuck?”

Having almost drowned yourself in the shower, using that shampoo you’d missed so dearly on your travels, you’d changed clothes into something a lot more comfortable, a loose pair of sweats and a spaghetti strap tank top, before heading down to Xavier’s office where he’d just spent the last ten minutes explaining his plans to further your mutation. And to be completely honest with yourself, you hadn’t listened to half of it. 

“So, in short, your ability, whilst appearing similar to Kitty’s, is actually entirely different. Where Kitty phases through objects, you become those shadows. Your molecules break down completely, unlike Miss Pryde.” He finished his explanation slowly, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him you had no idea what he’d just said. Luckily, when conversing with a telepath, you didn’t have to.

Charles sighed, rubbing his forehead slightly. “You’ve always said you felt a strain on yourself whilst corporeal, yes?” He asked, and you breathed in relief. Finally, a question you could answer.

“Yeah, it’s like I’m holding water with my bare hands. Or something like that,” you nodded, looking at yourself slightly curiously. “So, I’m not like Kitty?” you clarified, looking back up the the professor, who shook his head. 

“I’m afraid not. We were mistaken before, simply assuming you were just another phasing mutant. But Jean ran some tests on your blood, and it was quite remarkable.” You’d almost forgotten the woman was in the room until she cleared her throat, her red hair pulled up in a tight ponytail. 

“I think you describe it perfectly. Your molecules are being held together, more or less, by string, or so to speak. Not real string, but I think you understand.” You nodded. You actually did understand, because that’s how you constantly felt. It was, however, incredibly unnerving. What would happen if that string frayed? Or worse, fucking snapped altogether? Sensing your distress, Charles covered your hand with his own.

“My dear, that’s why we brought you back. We’ve been incredibly lucky so far, and clearly, you have an innate ability to control the string. It’s led us to believe that your abilities don’t stop at shadow walking.” He looked at you with understanding as you took this all in. He’d mentioned to you previously that he thinks you could do more. 

“Shadow manipulation, right?” You asked though the question was rhetorical. You knew that’s where they were going with this. Charles glanced at Jean who nodded in confirmation. 

“Essentially, yes. We think you could pull shadows from an already existing cast and wield them to your heart’s content. In… theory.” She hesitated, and you blew out a breath.

“But in practice?”

“In practice… honestly we don’t know. It will be a learning curve for all of us, to be blunt.” You nodded a little numbly. You’d only just returned and already you were being bombarded with hard truths. 

Once again sensing your distress, Charles cleared his throat. “Well, I think we should continue this discussion tomorrow. You’ve had a long day and perhaps right now isn’t the best time to be entertaining new ideas.” He threw another look to Jean and she nodded again, standing from her seat.

You couldn’t agree more. This was a lot to take in. Especially since you’d become so comfortable with your mutation, believing that you were just another phaser like Kitty. But now, you were something else completely, something unknown. Even to yourself. It… scared you. And you didn’t scare easily. Worry? Sure. Impending sense of dread? Absolutely. Fear? Never.

“Right. Thanks, Professor. I’ll uh, see you tomorrow then.” You dipped your head goodbye, before leaving his office and closing the door behind you. Tea. You needed tea. Fuck you needed something stronger than tea, but since this was a goddamn school, alcohol was strictly prohibited. 

Fuck’s sake. 

Dragging a hand down the side of your face, you absently made your way to the kitchen and flicked on the kettle. Muscle memory guided you to the drinks cupboard, moving aside the jar of decaff coffee to reveal your personal stash of teabags. Whilst primarily you were a coffee drinker, when it was this late in the evening, you tended to steer clear of the caffeine. You weren’t the best at sleeping to begin with, let alone when your mind and body were buzzing. 

You didn’t turn when you heard footsteps behind you, and the scrape of one of the chairs against the wooden floor, too focussed on rifling through the cupboard adjacent to the drinks one for our favourite mug. A gift from Kitty, she’d had custom-made for the print on the side to say ‘Phasers Forever!’. It made you a little sad to think about now. But, thankfully you found it, nestled right at the back next to the mug you’d gifted her. Also custom-made, but this just had the image of two hands with their little fingers linked. You’d made sure the gloves matched the ones you both wore in your suits. 

Dropping the teabag into the mug, you instantly savoured the scented steam as you poured the hot water, even the aroma calming your slightly frayed nerves. Wow, that meeting had seriously rattled you. Looping the string and tag over the lip of the mug, you turned back to the room, only to almost drop your freshly made drink in surprise.

Logan. Hair slightly damp, in a white v-neck tank, sat at the far end of the table, leaning back in the chair with a bottle of what you could have sworn was larger in his bear paw of a hand. That same fucking smirk pulled at his lips. 

“Phantom.” He raised his bottle in greeting. You wished you could match his energy, but honestly, you were drained from the day and the meeting. But you tried nonetheless.

“Wolvie.” You smiled back, though you could feel it didn’t reach your eyes. And clearly, he noticed too, expression shifting from self-assured confidence to slight concern.

“You alright?” Logan had only known you for less than a day, and he already knew he really didn’t like seeing you despondent. 

“Yeah, fine.” It almost pained him physically seeing your eyes remain dull with your liar’s smile. That was something else he realised in that split second. 

He really didn’t like you lying to him.

“Uh huh?” Fuck, he definitely knew you were hiding everything. How the fuck could he possibly tell that? He didn’t even know you! You sighed heavily, hoping it would help your next half-truth.

“I’m just tired. Long day, lots of emotions. Are you hungry? I’m starved and was gonna make pasta if you wanted some,” You tried your best to steer the conversation away from how you were feeling. Once again it wasn’t exactly a lie. You were starving, having not eaten since this morning, and it was now ten in the evening. 

Logan knew you turned away quickly so you didn’t have to see his suspicion. If you weren’t ready to talk about whatever was bothering you, he knew he shouldn’t push. But, to his surprise, he found himself wanting to know. He wanted to know what was up, and maybe, just maybe, he could make you feel better. It seemed doubtful, but it was worth a shot. “How was your meeting with Charles?”

Your shoulders tensed, spine straightening. Gotcha.

“Yeah, fine. Just easing me back into life here basically. Nothing earthshattering.” Now that was a flat out lie, and once again you refused to turn around as you brought the kettle over to the tap, filling it to the max line before placing it back on the stand and flicking the switch. You found it easier to lie when you were busy doing something else and making pasta seemed perfect. Crouching to one of the lower cupboards, you pulled out the pack of wholewheat, refusing to eat any of the sugary white bullshit. Unfortunately, the one downside of busying yourself so remarkably well was that you weren’t always paying attention to what was going on around you.

For example, Logan walking up behind you to take the packet from your hand and place it on the counter. You turned, realising he’d given you minimal space to move. He was so close you could smell the gel he used in the shower. Woodsy and smoky, like a forest cabin. He smelt fucking great, but to be honest, you were too busy trying to avoid eye contact to care.

“S’that why you look like your pet just died?” You knew he was trying to be teasing, trying to lighten the mood, trying to create a comfortable environment for you to open up in, but you didn’t know him, and he didn’t know you. With a deep breath, you stepped to the side and out of his reach, opening the fridge to look for something to make a nice creamy sauce with.

“Look, Logan. I appreciate it, and what you’re trying to do, but at the same time, I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. So, and I mean this with the utmost respect, fucking drop it. I’m tired and I have genuinely had a long day, what more do you want me to say?”

Logan blinked. And blinked again for good measure. He wasn’t expecting you to be so sharp. He didn’t know why he wasn’t expecting it, but you really took him by surprise. That seemed to be all you were doing since the moment he met you. Though this one stung a little more than he cared to admit. “That might’ve been the nicest fuck off I’ve ever heard. But it was still a fuck off.” He shrugged. He knew deep down you were right. You didn’t know each other, and maybe was was expecting a little too much from a three-hour friendship. If he could even call it that. 

“I didn’t mean–” You turned back from the fridge just in time to watch his disappearing form leave through the door, hearing his footsteps recede back up the stairs. You cursed inwardly, hating yourself for how you handled the situation. Though, looking at the pasta on the counter, you had an idea as to how to fix some of this. 

It had been roughly half an hour since he’d left you in the kitchen, recognising you needed space, and in all honesty? Retreating to lick his own wounds. He didn’t know why he wanted you to open up so badly. It wasn’t like he had a long-lasting friendship with you. He met you today, for fuck’s sake. Only hours ago. Shit, this morning he still didn’t think you existed! Logan groaned at the memory of you shutting him down, wishing he’d handled the situation differently, and stopped prodding when he knew he should have. Fuck!

He’d just managed to resolve to come and talk to you, before there was a thump at his bedroom door, followed by another. That wasn’t any kind of fist knocking… 

With deliberate caution, Logan stood from his bed, shining claws sliding through his knuckles as he approached the door, only for his nerves to be calmed when a familiar scent wafted through the cracks in the door. He didn’t dare get his hopes up until he turned the handle, pulling the door open to reveal you, stood before him, two steaming plates of pasta held impressively in one hand, and two bottles of larger in the other, your foot raised to kick the door a third time. 

“Before you slam the door, I brought peace pesto pasta, homemade so you know it’s good.” You were honestly surprised he opened the door, though you eyed his claws cautiously. Who did he think it was?

Logan noticed your line of sight, retracting his claws to cross his arms, a brow raised. “Peace pesto pasta?”

You nodded. “Homemade, don’t forget.” Logan smiled slightly at the hope in your eyes. “And also beer so you physically can’t turn me down.” You raised the two bottles in your hand, and he sighed as if you were a nuisance. Unfortunately for him, that couldn’t be further from the truth. 

“Homemade peace pesto, beer, and…?” 

You stuck your tongue in your cheek. “An apology.” You reluctantly admitted, looking anywhere but his face. “Can I come in or are you gonna stare at me all evening? These aren’t the most balanced plates, been a while since I was a waitress so…” you mumbled in explanation, earning yourself a quizzical look.

“You were a waitress?”

“Yes and it was a long time ago but we can talk all about it if I can set these down somewhere they won’t fall on your feet,” you said hurriedly, borderline pleading with your eyes for him to let you in. It wasn’t as if he was about to say no, there was just something comical about the way you were managing to hold everything in your hands. 

With a click of his tongue, he gestured for you to enter with his head, closing the door behind you as you set one of the plates down on the window seat, rubbing the red skin of your arm where the hot plate had ever so slightly burned you. He instantly felt bad, crossing the room with the intention to take your arm to look at it before you stuck it into the shadow on the wall, removing it again to reveal your skin pristine again.

“It wasn’t that bad, just uncomfortable,” you shrugged, handing a plate and bottle to him. Logan shook his head at what he’d just seen, giving you a look of ‘fair enough’ before taking the plate and beer gratefully. How long had it been since someone cooked for him? Though you’d done it as a peace offering, it still warmed his heart slightly. That and the fact it smelt fucking divine. 

“I’m sorry…” you started, mindlessly poking your pasta around your plate with your fork after making yourself comfortable on his window seat. He guessed it used to be your window seat, but it still made him happy how comfortable you looked. “The Professor told me something in the meeting and… rattled me, that’s all,” you shrugged, popping a few pieces of green pasta into your mouth and chewing thoughtfully. 

Logan decided to wait for you to continue, cracking open the bottle top of his beer with his teeth. Raising a brow as you looked over at him in slightly disturbed awe. 

“How did you not just break your jaw?” you asked, flabbergasted at his seemingly endless pool of abilities. 

“Not much can break it, considering my skeleton’s adamantium.” Logan was starting to like when you gaped at him in shock, admiring the way you jaw went completely slack, eyes wide. 

“Wait, how don't you– ohhhhh…” It had taken you a while to notice just how much the bed dipped when he sat down. No wonder he was so ripped, he had to be that strong in order to fucking walk around. “Any other secrets you're hiding?” You asked, before instantly regretting the question when his eyes met yours.

“You wanna talk about keeping secrets now?” He asked curtly.

“Walked into that one…”

“Yeah, you kinda did.” 

You sighed, fiddling with the bottle cap of your beer. Not to remove it, just to feel the sensation of the almost serrated edges helped to ground yourself. 

“You know about my mutation, the whole shadow-walking thing?” You asked, to which Logan responded with a nod, finally taking a bite of the pasta you’d made. Your heart swelled with pride as he paused, looking from the food to you with an impressed smile. “So, turns out, it’s nothing like Kitty’s. It’s not phasing like we originally thought, but something totally different.” You started to explain to an intensely listening Logan. “Kitty phases through things. I actually become the shadows I enter. Like, it’s not still my body but just in the shadow, my molecules break down to literally be the shadow,” you could tell he was trying to understand, his head tilting slightly to the side in a way you genuinely found cute. “It’s like, I’m holding water in my bare hands,” you started to demonstrate, placing your plate and bottle down beside you to cup your hands in front of you. “And this, this is my body. My corporeal body. But, when I dive into shadows, that body breaks down,” your cupped hands splayed apart, fingers spread to simulate a liquid splash. Logan nodded thoughtfully through mouthfuls of pasta. “How Jean explained it was that my molecules are held together with some kind of thread, and I control that thread, but it’s a constant strain… Like, I can feel my body being held together. And it just… I don’t know. It scared me I guess.”

The room fell into silence as you finished your explanation, Logan setting his somehow clean plate to the side, leaning his elbows against his spread knees, beer bottle clasped in both hands. “I uh, don’t really understand what’s scary bubs, sounds like this is an opportunity to develop it, right?” he asked, eyes searching your face for any sign you were reassured.

You sighed, the back of your head softly hitting the wall behind you. “Well apparently we’ve been lucky so far, and my control over this string or thread or whatever the fuck is stronger than they thought but… I don’t know, I guess what first went through my mind was what would happen if the thread snapped. Would I just stop being able to shadow walk or–”

“Would you stop altogether, and be able to do nothing but shadow walk,” Logan finished, realisation dawning on his gruff features. You nodded slightly, not wanting to speak anything into existence. 

“Exactly.” You whispered, staring into your borderline untouched pasta. You honestly didn’t know what to do, and you didn’t know what could be done. Surely, at this point, it was just a matter of time, right? The thought hit you like a lightning bolt. If it was just a matter of time, you just burdened this poor man, who you’d only met hours ago, with the knowledge that, eventually, you were likely just simply dissolve into nothing, cursed to live forever in the shadows of others. “Anyway, yeah, that’s why I had a face like, how did you put it? Like my pet just died,” You did your best to imitate his voice, hoping to shit it would lighten the mood of the room, but it only earned you a look of sympathy.

Fucking sympathy. You hated sympathy.

You’d come in here in the hopes to make things right with him and apologise for how you were earlier, but the one thing you really didn’t want, and never fucking wanted, was sympathy. You sighed heavily, preparing yourself for whatever ‘I’m so sorry this is happening speech’ he was clearly getting ready to spill. 

But for the umpteenth time in the short while you’d known him, Logan surprised you. Taking your bottle of beer from your side, he cracked the lid off with his teeth, the same as before, before handing it back to you. You, as stunned as you were, managed to take it from his hand, the soft skin of your fingertips brushing the backs of his own. You smiled in resignation, raising your bottle in some tragic excuse of a toast. ‘To the inevitable’ you wanted to say, but you physically bit your tongue before taking a long sip of the slightly bitter liquid.

“It won’t come to that,” you’d forgotten, in the period of silence, that you were waiting for him to say something. You tilted your head in confusion, and it honestly took all of Logan’s willpower not to launch into you and wrap you up in his arms. He really needed to pull himself together. “Look, I was pretty fuckin’ helpless when I came here. And I know you remember the state Marie was in. Neither of us thought we were worth savin’, but look at us now,” in complete honesty, Logan still didn’t think he was worth saving, but that was neither here nor there. “He’ll help ya. You’ll get this under control. And it ain’t all bad. He already said you had more control than he thought,” You could feel his eyes search your face as you closed yours. Maybe he was right. Charles had said you had more control over these strings than he thought. 

Logan was right. That was a good thing.

“Well, we’ll see tomorrow. That’s when we really start everything. We have another meeting before we’re straight into training, seeing if we can really develop this mutation before I cease to exist. No pressure right?” You half-joked, your lips quirking up into what you hoped was a smile. Or, at least, a lopsided one. 

Fuck he wanted to kiss you. Kiss you. When the hell was the last time he’d felt like this toward anyone? He hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone in goddamn years, and here you were, a woman he didn’t even believe existed a few hours ago, waltzing into his life and making him feel things like wanting to fucking kiss you. 

“I uh… ya know I wanted to apologise too.”

Well, that caught you off guard. “Wh– wait what? Why? What for?” you couldn’t help firing off questions at speeds you didn’t know you were capable of, utter bafflement contorting your features. 

“You were right. I don’t know you. And you don’t know me.” Logan watched as your face transformed from confusion, to hurt, to acceptance. 

“Yeah…. I did say that didn’t I? I–”

“But,” he interrupted, stopping you mid-sentence. “That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna know ya…” Logan almost laughed aloud at how your eyes went comically wide. Did you know how cute you were? When you weren’t telling him to fuck off, that is.

“I– Uh, okay, sure… what d’ya wanna know?” you asked, hoping to fuck you didn’t sound ridiculous. If you didn’t, Logan didn’t seem to mind or care. 

“You can start of by tellin’ me how or where you learned to cook so well,” you scoffed loudly, rolling you eyes. “Nah I’m serious kid, that was fuckin’ great,” Logan leaned against the headboard, an arm positioned behind his head as you too made yourself comfortable again on the window seat, resting your elbow on your raised knee.

“Kid? Do you know how old I am?” you asked, smirking slightly. Though you were a little embarrassed, there was no way you’d show it. Kid? Did he seriously think you were that young? 

“Do you know how old I am?” he retorted, that same self-assured glint dancing in his eye. You peered at him in scrutiny, emphasising how hard you were looking at him by squinting intensely.

“I’d put you at around like, early thirties? Maybe mid? Am I hot or cold?” you asked, kinda hoping he was in the same sort of age bracket as you were. Not for any specific reason of course… just for… science.

Yeah. For science.

Though your heart deflated slightly at his bark of a laugh. “Not quite. Try mid to late hundred and thirties. Give or take a few years.” Once again you gaped at him, mouth wide open, jaw completely slack. He could get used to that sight. Dangerously used to it. “Take a picture bubs, it’ll last longer.”

“B-but… how–? Y–? Hundred and– what the fuck?” You couldn’t get over it. Though your mind was still reeling, you managed to recover quickly. “Why you don’t look a day over ninety. You’re in good shape for a fossil, though I was wondering why I was getting a lot of calls from museums recently… probably looking for their exhibit back,” you smirked wildly whilst Logan just stared at you, trying his fucking damnest not to let his disobedient lips quirk anywhere other than down. 

“Ya done?”

“I’ll probably think of some more. But, in all seriousness, how?” You asked, and Logan couldn’t detect anything other than genuine curiosity.

“Regenerative. I heal real quick, but that also keeps my body in good condition. Dunno exactly how old I am, but it’s around hundred and thirty,” he shrugged, and you whistled lowly. “So?” he prompted, and you looked up.

“So what?”

“How’dya make the pasta?” 

You snorted in amusement, before launching into an explanation about your brother and how he always had an interest in cooking and had taught you to cook simple things, like how to make a béchamel sauce, or how to make pesto from scratch. And if you weren’t so caught up in your storytelling, you would have noticed Logan drinking in every damn word like he was parched for conversation. Listening to you talk, the cadence of your voice, the way you pronounce every letter and the way you occasionally drop a letter, it was hypnotic. You didn’t have an abundance of energy, and whether that was simply because you were exhausted after the day you’d had, or if that was just who you were, he didn’t know. But honestly? He didn’t really care. 

As long as you kept talking, that was all that mattered. If he could take your mind off tomorrow, or your situation by letting you ramble about the smallest of things, he would. And he would pretend the whole time like he was doing this for you. And not because, at the end of everything, he liked listening to you. 

“Anyway, that’s how you tell the difference between a Thoroughbred and a Quarter Horse. And I will not make that mistake again.” You’d somehow weaved from topic to topic, the conversation ebbing and flowing for hours, you both taking turns in sharing random stories from your pasts, little anecdotes that gave context to who you both were as people now. And it was only thanks to the brief silence and the conveniently timed chime of the clock did you realise how late it was. Or rather, how early.

It was one in the fucking morning. How the hell did that happen? Your eyes slid back to Logan, who at some point had made himself comfortable on the opposite side of the window seat, and you watched as he had the same realisation. Holy shit.

“I should probably–”

“Look, you should–”

You both started to speak at the same time, before pausing to let the other talk first. It was gross and awkward and cringey but, for the life of you, you couldn’t find it in you to care. 

You stood, gathering your long abandoned, though now empty plate, and crossed the room to grab his from the bedside table. You heard Logan sigh heavily behind you in what you assumed was exhaustion. You couldn’t blame the man. You’d been talking for hours. 

Logan followed you to the door, holding it open for you as you stepped out into the hallway. You placed the crockery onto the floor, freeing your hands to wrap your arms around his neck in a similar embrace to the one before. Only this time, you felt his strong arms return your hug, wrapping you up tightly against his chest.

“Thank you. For letting me talk for hours. You don’t need to pretend you enjoyed it, by the way. But thank you all the same.” You stepped back, and Logan leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah well, you brought peace pesto and beer. How could I say no?” He quipped, and you chuckled lightly. He wasn’t about to admit he enjoyed your company far more than he should have done, and he sure as shit wasn’t about to admit he wasn’t pretending to like it. His eyes softened at your laugh in a way he’d stopped them from doing all evening. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

You peered up at him, a knowing spark dancing in your iris. You noticed. Of course, you’d noticed. That was almost exactly what you’d said to him earlier. The same hopeful lilt and all. 

“Sure.” Was all you said in return, before picking up the empty plates and bottles off the floor, and turning away to head back down the hallway. You refused to look back, worried that if you did, you’d run straight back to his room and never fucking leave.

But if you had. If you had just turned to look over your shoulder, you would have seen him leaning against the doorway still, eyes following you down the stairs, and lingering still, long after you’d disappeared.

Yeah… he was definitely in trouble.

[amxrany]

!! CHAPTER 7 / DIASOMNIA ARC SPOILERS !!

Going into Vil's dream now lesgoooooo (warning i cannot find a lot for vil's segment for some reason so if i miss a lot of information im so sorry):

So I understand why they released Tapis Rouge before this update, because we are now in The Queen's Film Studio, where Vil tells everyone to look forward to live broadcast of the Diamond Film Awards (this is most likely a reference to another Diamond in-game)

(sheesh new vil outfit again)

But basically yeah Vil's dream is to be the fairest of them all and he got Neige as his assistant 😭

Rook sees that it is indeed Neige, and the group tries to get closer to Vil. But Vil called Grim a stray cat and shooed him away, he's now sad :((

Vil assumes we're paparazzi and tells Neige to throw us out, and we find out that Vil just abuses Neige. So the group tries to convince him to report Vil, but Neige becomes blot and tries to fight the group

(I like their weapon it looks neat)

They defeat Neige but security is now after their ass, and it's revealed that Diamon Film Awards is a type of awards show for actors and that in reality, Neige was the one who won the award. But in this timeline, it's Vil who wants the award. Not understanding how Vil changed, Idia mentions that Malleus's magic allows them to experience happy dreams, and those dreams can also release any resentment you hold deep inside.

We then go to Vil receiving his award, but Rook stops him by telling him his time in NRC, but Vil tells him he doesn't know what he's talking about; and we go through the dizzy-but-is-trying-to-remember-everything segment again. However, the darkness was swallowing Vil up, and we couldn't save him in time because Neige managed to sink him down even further but Rook used his unique magic to follow Vil

So basically this next dream is the "What if Vil succesfully poisoned Neige and won VDC" scenario, we're in the part where Neige actually drank the poisoned apple juice and yknow, dies, and the dwarves are surrounding him crying

Epel uses "Sleep Kiss" to see if there's still a chance in saving him and let's just say it's the most Snow White reference I've ever seen. Oh and Rook is on the verge of breaking down

On stage, Vil's team has won VDC, but Rook and Epel come in to stop Vil by reminding him how he overblotted, and that causes Vil to wake up. Vil is back to normal and he's grateful that Rook and Epel came to save him and Epel said of course, we're your hunter and poisoned apple after all

The darkness comes back again to swallow Vil, but Rook and Epel aren't letting go. But idia orders Ortho to tell Rook and Epel to let Vil go. So you guys remember that one part during the last update where Idia fight his own phantom in OB!Form? Yeah we're doing that too but with Vil.

It's similar to that of the concept of Persona 4, where you learn how to accept yourself, even the ugly parts of yourself. Because Vil decided to use his weakness as his strength and overblotted to fight against his own phantom

MORE EVIL LAUGHTER AS VIL CELEBRATES HIS VICTORY DECLARING THAT HE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF THEM ALL. We are then transported back to the fake event with Dream Neige where Vil tells him that he is indeed the most beautiful of them all (that is so true queen go slay)

Pomefiore all go in for a hug, and the others join in as well

Sebek was surprised that Pomefiore wasn't just all about beauty, but they were really strong as well, and then Idia thought it was funny to show their Absolutely Beautiful cover in which Vil proceeds to ruthlessly criticize them for it 💀

Vil receives his own invitation of deafeating Malleus and that's where the update ends

HOOOO BOY where do i start, this update is so funny it honestly took me forever just to look for parts of Vil's segment. But assuming that we're going backwards the next update will most likely focus on Scarabia so manifesting that we get a Kalim card next so that we can complete the light trio fr fr

Anyways, see you soon in the next update!

Previous: Rook's Dream

[factcheckingmclennon]

john giving paul a bracelet: fact or fiction?

a lot of mclennon fics feature this silver ID bracelet of paul being given to him by john

so did john give paul a metal bracelet with his name on it?

this one is completely just a theory which lands it in

not too crazy much to get into source wise w this one because it's solidly theory/headcanon territory but i'll explain anyway for anyone that doesn't know The Bracelet Lore!

this one comes at me from @life-under-calico-skies :

Hello! First of all; THANK YOU for your blog! Omg! It was much needed! My question is; did John really give THE bracelet to Paul? It makes sense bc of the timing and when Paul wears it or not - so I WANT to believe it so bad. But I don't think I ever saw ONE reliable source saying that he once gave him a bracelet (or any other jewel, for that matter)

first of all thank YOU! i'm glad you enjoy the blog <3

but you're totally right- there's nothing other than the timing/when paul wears it and as near as i can tell, there's no source on it whatsoever, just people tinhatting. so we can't necessarily say it's Untrue, but it's a bit like speculating that they started a sexual relationship in hamburg or that x song was written about y... there's not much in the way of proving one way or another, unless paul comes out and says something different

with that SAID if someone says "john gave paul a bracelet" THAT'S definitely misinformation (intentional or not ofc). it's not fact. it's just a theory & i think somewhere that got a bit lost in translation? but anyway i'll break down what you mean by the timeline so others know wtf we're talking about here lmao

the theory

paul has/had a silver identity bracelet with his name on it. the theory goes that john gave it to him in paris or on paul's 21st bday & paul wore it on and off throughout his life

there's not much to back this up but there's also not much against it? so if you want to believe it that's fully your prerogative. me personally, i think it's a nice thought/headcanon and don't really Believe one way or the other, i just like the idea of it for like fics and shit

so the timeline...

this is the source for the Main pic people use to show the inscription. these pictures were presumably take in late 1963 and published in october of the same year

which also means this one could be earlier as it's also from '63 and the Only place i can find it is on a 1993 trading card saying it was from a "1963 publicity shoot" but i can't find any other photos from the shoot or which shoot it was to tell you what month that was lmao

there's also this photo from his 21st birthday party with it, which is Probably the earliest of these two:

which I honestly think is the Most likely time he would've received it, whether from jane or john or whoever else.

and as for the Rest of the timeline i'm pulling from a now deleted post by @ swaying-daisies who seems to have deactivated or changed urls but here's the post anyway. you can see him still wearing it in the 70s, although he stopped wearing it around 1967 for a while it seems

and then you can see it again in anthology:

as for where he got it all he's ever said was this:

"Dear Paul, I waited for three hours in line to see A Hard Day's Night and I thought it was just marv. What wrist do you wear your gold ID bracelet on and where did you get it?" Patricia Parrish BARSTOW, CALIF. "Dear Pat, Glad you enjoyed the film. We've almost finished work on our second movie now- and it's in color this time. Hope everyone enjoys it. I'm left-handed, so it is much easier to wear my watch on my right wrist. Therefore, the bracelet is on my left wrist. Where did I get it? Let's just say it has close sentimental value."

i've seen people say that there's pictures of him from Before 1963 with the bracelet on, but i can't find them.

so the options come down to: it was a gift from jane, it was a gift from john, it was a gift from his mother, or it was a gift from one of his other relatives

a couple of reasons people doubt the jane aspect is that he continued to wear it into the 70s & then ofc people claim that he had it before he met her. i can't find any evidence of him having the bracelet before jane, so i take that with a grain of salt. i'd think for me personally the only thing discounting it from being from jane is the fact the he still wore it during anthology. if it were just the 70s, that might be hand-waved away because it can still take a bit to get rid of everything an ex gave you. but by anthology, he definitely would've been over it.

people also point to him being cagey and saying "let's just say it has close sentimental value" as a reason it's Not from jane, but honestly i don't find that very compelling because at the time of this letter he was still like. out as being with jane, but it was peak beatlemania when they were supposed to be appearing single & approachable. so if it was from jane, i don't think he'd say that here either.

the oooonly other point against it being from jane is simply that i've seen people assert they "know for a fact" that it's from jane because people had matching sweetheart bracelets back then- but she's never seen wearing one. but that's just against them having matching ones, i really don't know if she gave it to him or not.

i don't see any reason that it wouldn't be from a family member that's not his mom, though. if it were his mom, there definitely would've been photos of him wearing it long before 1963. so For Me it comes down to john or another family member. jane is also still a strong possibility to me, although like i said the anthology bit throws a wrench in that for me, unless that's a different bracelet completely. or who knows, maybe he got attached to it outside of her- i've definitely kept things from exes long after i give a shit about them if i'm being honest.

another piece people like to throw in is that in both of the photos of him wearing it after his and john's split, he's wearing it on his right wrist rather than his left, like a widower would if it were a ring. not convincing to me honestly, but it's a part of The Whole Theory/Headcanon bit

others also speculate it could be from ringo! ringo had a similar one and I wouldn't be too surprised if paul liked his so he got him one for his 21st. definitely An option to consider!

also, if anyone knows the exact date on that teeth brushing photo that would be lovely. or if anyone happens to have a photo of him with the bracelet from Before he met jane.

but yeah tl;dr: it's theory, if anyone says it's for sure fact they are misinformed or just really want to believe it. no one knows who gave paul that bracelet and i doubt we'll ever know, so have fun.

[graciereadshannigram]

hey fam, welcome to the April 2024 roundup of the best hannigram fics i've read this past month! i read over 100 fics total, and these were the cream of the crop.

as a reminder: the ingredients for a five star rating typically (but not always!!) include some combination of a.) believable characterizations of both Hannibal and Will, b.) compelling plot and/or character arcs, and c.) high quality smut.

that being said, my judgment of the aforementioned ingredients is powered almost exclusively by vibes and as such, is incredibly subjective.

you can find past recs below:

February March

and if you have any recs of your own for me, PLEASE SHARE.

anyway, in no particular order, let's go!

~

A place you can never go by det395

Word Count: 84,596 Summary: When things don’t go according to plan, Hannibal makes a wish. He finds himself a year-and-a-half in the past and seemingly given another chance with Will. His feelings about the situation only get more complicated when he realizes he may not have completely lost access to his old timeline after all. A Digestivo canon divergence.

If you follow me, you probably saw me already raving about this fic. This was so fucking good, holy fucking shit. And also heartbreaking. Made me think a lot about the nature of reality and what does it mean for something to be "real." Plus, I really love fics that explore their shared mind palace because I genuinely think that is one of the more underexplored aspects of their relationship. Definitely heavy on the angst, but there is a happy ending!

even though our love is doomed by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 82,427 Summary: Hannibal solves the mystery of time travel and he and Will decide to go into the past and take opportunities previously missed along with rewriting the regrets they each hold. Changing the past does not effect the future and they have free reign to play as the please.

GIVE ME MORE THAN FIVE STARS PLEASE. I am obsessed with this fic. I've mostly stayed clear of time travel fics (aside from, you know, the one right above this) because the execution can be hit or miss, but let me fucking tell you. This was a god damn home run. There's a little bit of angst, but then there's also a chapter where Will challenges Hannibal that he wouldn't have been able to seduce him while Will was still working in Louisiana fixing boat motors. And obviously Hannibal decides to take that challenge.

Railroad Romance by OneWhoSitsWithTurtles

Word Count: 12,400 Summary: Hannibal is still Hannibal, and Will is still Will. Except Will is not part of the FBI and they meet on a two day train trip from New Orleans to Baltimore.

Dirty. Talk. In. FRENCH. Holy shit. Okay this was excellent. EXCELLENT. Perfect characterizations, and wonderful dialogue. Wow. Also, I love trains. Who doesn't love trains?

patroclus in furs by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 130,185 Summary: If Will and Hannibal hadn't gone into their respective careers, they would have become porn stars.

I had my doubts about a pornstar AU, but I've really enjoyed everything else by this author and it was over 100k, so I gave it a shot! And WOW. The characterizations of both Will and Hannibal were spot on and believable. A good mix of fluff and angst, and the author clearly put a lot of thought into the porn scenes. Tbh I'm probably going to reread this shortly.

Pavlova by nbcravenstag

Word Count: 33,369 Summary: It’s not like Hannibal didn’t know that Will was hiding something. It was after the third body drop a week ago that it became clear that Will had a secret that somehow involved the case, one he wasn’t willing to share yet, not even with Hannibal. At 6:43 AM, Will had texted Hannibal that a fourth body had been found and that he was on his way to the scene with Jack. At 8:06 PM, Will had stepped into Hannibal’s office, thirty-six minutes past his appointment time, and practically shouted “I used to be a stripper!” as loudly as his hoarse voice would allow him to. Hannibal Lecter, though not phased by much in life, has never been entirely able to predict Will Graham, but this is just… getting out of control. Alternatively, the FBI is hunting a serial killer targeting male strippers, and Will decides to throw himself into the fray. Hannibal is beyond pleased.

An AU where Will was a stripper in college and now he's working a case where he can be live bait as a stripper? Shut the fuck up. Mostly told from Hannibal's perspective, and it's just *chefs kiss*. Who knew Will giving Hannibal a lap dance would be so HOT. (I could have guessed.)

Lessons In Submission by wyldefire

Word Count: 5,173 Summary: Hannibal was stubborn, independent, and Will had always loved that about him, but there were times, times like these, in the midst of heat, in the midst of such a thorough breeding, when lessons in submission were necessary.

My only thought at the end of this was, "Shut the whole fuck up" in the best way possible. Smut. Just all smut.

A Very Special Guest by LesBeanBurrito

Word Count: 56,660 Summary: Season 1 AU in which Will stays for Hannibal’s dinner party after bringing the bottle of wine at the end of 1X07 Sorbet. Embarrassed and Sassy Will Graham meets Smitten Hannibal Lecter.

I LOVE a good season 1 AU and this was checking all of the boxes for me! There's a secret relationship, Hannibal actually gets Will treated for his encephalitis, Will finds out about Hannibal, etc. Very much loved the plot, and the characterizations were spot on.

lover to your nightmare (look what you made of me) by merrythoughts and ReallyMissCoffee

Word Count: 123,367 Summary: Driving back home, it’s then he reflects on Hannibal asking him to run away that night. To forgo their plans altogether, to slip away. [Canon divergent. Will confesses his betrayal and asks Hannibal to run away with him, but Will has a plan of his own...]

You want dark!Will mixed in with some incredibly jealous and possessive Hannigram? Hooo boy do I have a fic for you! The ending was a little abrupt, but it was the perfect mix of gut-wrenching angst and toxicity + smoking hot smut. I genuinely had to stop and focus on my breathing more than once.

On the Lam by shotgun_sinner

Word Count: 63,992 Summary: Post-Fall (Hannibal)season 4Crack Treated SeriouslyOn the RunWill Graham Discovers FanfictionExplicit Sexual Contentsexual identity crisisThat's Not Really A CrisisWill Graham is HannisexualMurder HusbandsHomophobiaMurder of a HomophobeHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterPower Bottom Will Grahamthey love each other your honorvery meta

This was such a fun read – I love the implication that hannigram fanfiction exists and it's all there for Will to accidentally discover. I adore this author and just thoroughly enjoyed how Will learned a thing or two about himself by reading smutty fics (same dude).

Golden Promises by shotgun_sinner

Word Count: 68,488 Summary: Hannibal (TV) Season/Series 01Alternate Universe - Canon DivergenceEpisode: s01e07 SorbetHallucinations?Will Hopes SoLELOplugSexuality CrisisThat Ends Up Not Being A CrisisWill Graham Has EncephalitisHannibal Gets Will TreatmentDeveloping RelationshipWill Graham's Dogs - FreeformBonding over fooddoting hannibalEventual SmutHannibal Lecter Loves Will GrahamWill Graham Loves Hannibal LecterAlana DisapprovesRimmingOral SexBottom Hannibal LecterTop Will GrahamBottom Will GrahamTop Hannibal LecterWill Graham KnowsNon-Consensual Drug UseWill Gives Him Shit For ItMurder HusbandsCannibalismis that tag even necessary?Hannibal Lecter Loves Max

This was fluffier than I typically read, but I told y'all I love this author. Pretty much no angst, and the smut, as always, was next level. Also, the idea that Hannibal would wear a solid gold butt plug to his dinner parties had me laughing before I even started reading.

What Hatches by HotMolasses (@snazzymolasses here on tumblr)

Word Count: 107,847 Summary: There is a village, nestled on the edge of an ancient forest where it is always winter. Few of the townsfolk ever venture into it, except for one lonely hunter named Will Graham. A loner who makes his living selling stag meat and spends more time with dogs than people, he finds his life changing when he comes face-to-face with a magical beast, one that he cannot get away from, and isn’t even sure he really wants to.

What started out as a curiosity about the monsterfucking tag on AO3 brought me to one of the most unique and interesting hannigram AUs I've read??? I'm as surprised as you are, if not more. I adored this fic and I loved how both Will and Hannibal were characterized and the plot and the smut (oh my god, the smut) and the ending? Phew. Go read this.

lay like a flood spills away by bleakmidwinter

Word Count: 35,733 Summary: Will starts going to a nude beach that happens to be for gay men, even though he considers himself straight.

This was highly enjoyable. I LOVE AUs that manage to keep the characters true to canon. Also nude beaches. Hannigram and nude beaches. Eating ass and public sex with some actual plot sprinkled in. Say LESS.

Now, What Should We Do Next? by HigherMagic

Word Count: 51,116 Summary: Kinktober 2018

Smut. All smut. I showed this fic to a friend who has literally never read fanfiction, let alone Hannigram, before and she is now hooked. So. Do with that what you will. And it's so clear that this author has actual, real-life experience with kink and it comes across so well! Bonus point: there is also an equally good sequel.

To Mend With Gold by beforethedawn, ConstructFairytales, Destinyawakened

Word Count: 98,863 Summary: Will and Hannibal have been living as a gay married couple for three years, but they haven't slept in the same room let alone the same bed. Will Graham has a reckoning, one way or another.

THIS WAS TENDER. Fluffy, angsty, smutty, I loved it. Molly showed up with Will's dogs and decided she wasn't going to turn them in, which was a little weird, but I really loved this fic. Just them learning how to be with each other. Also EXCELLENT marathon smut scenes. Like yesssss, of course they can each cum like three times in a row.

A Clutch at Balance by Deverauxs_Disease

Word Count: 25,466 Summary: When Will Graham storms into Hannibal's house muttering about kissing Alana Bloom, the good doctor makes Will an offer: Pretend to date Hannibal in order to prove to Alana that Will is not only stable but capable of being in a relationship. When Alana is convinced Will is the man of her dreams, Hannibal will step aside and Will can get his girl.

Y'all know I love fake dating that all of a sudden, whoops! Isn't so fake anymore! Sprinkle in some jealous and possessive Hanni and Will? I'm sold. Say less.

~

And that's a wrap on this month! See ya next time!!!

[baby-tini]

how would trauma bonding with diffs mikey timelines go? Like how do they abuse their darling and what's their reaction on her still being pathetically inlove and devoted to them? (Mikey is the abuser)

TW- Trauma-bonding, physical abuse, kinda yandere-ish, manipulative behaviour, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, isolation, kidnapping, possessive behaviour, controlling behaviour Toman\OG Timeline- Complete Control. He made it clear from day one that you're his. Completely. He makes all your decisions for you, what you do that day, how you dress, where you go, who you talk too, all of that is authorized by him and only him. He has complete control over your entire life, there's no arguing with him on anything. There's no going out with friends or seeing your family, those people shouldn't matter to you anymore. If he doesn't approve of said person, he'll either kill them or you're not allowed too see them, ever again. You not minding his behaviour, or even liking his behaviour, really doesn't matter to him because he was gonna be this way whether you liked it or not. It just makes it that much easier too control you in all honesty, although, you still being so hopelessly in love with him is beneficial to you. With you behaving and listening, doing as he says, you do get a bit more freedom then you would if you were being a little brat and going against his many rules he has set for you, with the expectations that you follow them the way he intended. As I've stated he chooses what you wear and where you wear it too. Revealing clothing are for his eyes only, he even goes as far as too dress you when he has time. He also chooses what you eat and when you eat, because, as he claims, he knows best.

Manila- Hot and Cold behaviour. Being in a relationship with this version of Mikey is the definition of "walking on eggshells," he's very unpredictable and trigger happy, quite literally. His behaviour towards you can change within the blink of an eye, you do anything wrong, no matter how small it is or how microscopic it may seem at the time, it could tick him off in a matter of seconds. It could simply be you not being very engaged in a conversation because you're tired, but he'll take at as you not caring and brushing him off, that's when things turn ugly and he starts screaming at you, then he'll proceed too ignore you for hours, claiming that if you're not gonna listen to him, he just won't talk to you. He never talks about how he feels, whether it be in that moment or just in general, he never opens up about anything, he keeps it all bottled up and at the slightest wrong-doing on your part, he'll just explode. It's to the point where you have too over-analyze everything you say, just too make sure he doesn't take it the wrong way. Because at time it's gotten so bad that he was standing over you, waving a gun in your face as you sat on the floor sobbing, pleading with him too calm down as he stared at you with those big black eyes of his. He knows you'd never leave him, because he wouldn't let you, it just encourages his hot and cold behaviour when you're cuddled up to him at the end of the night, telling him how much you love him.

Kanto- Physical Abuse. He hits you, a lot. He's quick too get physical at any slight inconvenience. It could've been that you were late meeting him or you were talking to someone that he didn't want you too, or because you were talking too them, as he deemed, a little too long. His go to is always physical punishment, man-handleing to the point of bruises and cuts, sometimes a broken bone or black eye. No version of Mikey takes too kindly to disrespect, but especially this one, this version of Mikey can not be reasoned with, by any means. He will take your verbal reasoning as arguing which will then lead you into a world of pain for hours on end. With the amount of physical abuse Kanto!Mikey puts you through on a daily basis, it's a surprise to everyone that you still continue too show him all this affection and endless devotion, some thought it was just a form of twisted submission, but the look in your eye is always genuinely loving when you look at Mikey, like he could do nothing wrong, or realistically, you don't really care about what he does wrong to you or anyone else for that matter because you'll always still be there too greet him with open arms and a smile full of love with that look of longing for him.

Bonten- Isolation. You're with him most of the time, but when you're not or are unable too be, you're left in his room, which is heavily guarded by security, which are also not allowed too talk to you. He keeps you away from everyone, a life full of isolation, no friends too talk too, no human contact, except Mikey. He won't even let you talk to his most trusted men, his executives. If he were to catch wind of you talking to anyone but him, he'd have them immediately executed, they'd be an example for everyone, that they shouldn't be near you, muchless talk to you. When he's feeling generous, he'll take you out, but only after he rents out time for the place, he wants no other customers there, not even workers, he'll have his men do it, his only most trusted men at that. You're not allowed too have a phone, electronics or any outside contact, say bye to your family and friends. Which you never really got too do anyway because with this Mikey, there was never a regular courting or meeting, he just kidnapped you, right out of your house. He does appreciate your continuous affection and devotion towards him though, but it just furthers his notion that he's the only one you need.

Street Racer- Guilt Tripping. Mikey is much better in this timeline, but he can still be very possessive. He hates when you leave the house, for any reason. You going out with your friends has been the reason for multiple arguments, between the two of you, to the point of hoarse voices in the morning. He doesn't apologize, just justifies, stating the reason he's so possessive and controlling is because he lost everyone in his life at one point. When you counter back, with the argument, that everyone in this timeline is alive, he starts too guilt trip you. Stating that something could still go wrong, he's already watched the people he loved die or he killed them himself, why can't you just listen to him? If he you really loved him, you'd listen, can't you see he's doing this for your own safety? You're being unreasonable, it's not like he's holding you hostage or over-bearing, he just wants an update every hour, is that really too much too ask? He knows you won't leave him though, by the way you continuously defend his behaviour to your parents and friends, telling them that he's just scared for you, that's he's protective and loves you, that's all. That makes him love you even more, because you finally understand that he's doing it for you, all for you.

[zico-if]

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Night Abridged is getting reworked!

To explain why I'm suddenly doing this, the reason is pretty simple: I wasn't happy with what I have. As I reread some things and old plans, I realised that it wasn't really a story I wanted to tell anymore. So I've decided to go through a complete rework of TNA!

This IF started off as a small little side project for me but it's really grown to be a bit more than that! I truly want this to be something that both you and I can enjoy as much as possible!

So with that, I'm going to start spending what time I have, redoing some things to make both of our experiences as enjoyable as possible! It's going to take some time fleshing the new things out I want to implement and then some, trying to turn it into a story for you to read.

The characters aren't going to change much, maybe their personalities will, but not to a far extent. What is going to change is the world that it's going to be set in and the dynamics! And to accommodate that, this blog will also be going through some changes. All previous posts will be removed with time, but until then, I ask that you take none to heart as they're no longer canon.

I know you've all been waiting a long time for an update, and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to give it to you. But hopefully to make up for it, once everything is ready, I hope to release a part of the IF that is much much longer. The old demo will still be up for you to play until the new one is ready, and till then, you can sort of consider that as an alternate timeline set in the same universe :)

Thank you all for your support! You'll truly never know just how much I appreciate every single one of you!!

[jsmifty]

ONE MORE NIGHT FNAF AU CHARACTERS - THE SUIT - Part 1

Above is the SpringBonnie suit from my FNAF AU/rewrite called "ONE MORE NIGHT".

More info under the cut!

This is the first of many posts showing off some of the characters designs. I will talk more about the AU itself in other posts, however since this is the first I might as well give a basic rundown, it will be at the bottom of this post. William Afton himself will get his own post but this is just about his suit.

Anyway. This is the SpringBonnie suit from my FNAF rewrite!

I never really liked the completely butt naked suits, it always looked really weird to me. Generally when i draw the other animatronics I stick to the basic canon design (without the clothes), but with Springbonnie I realllyyyy prefer the design with some clothing over the top. idk why, it just makes him look siller.

Also if those things are being worn, I can imagine they're stinking hot during the summer, and I know the three piece suit is probably no better for keeping cool but at least he looks cool while dying of heatstroke. :)

There is also an animatronic version version of the suit of course!

Axe > Knife

The suit (SpringBonnie) was made as a suprise gift for William for the opening (By Henry Emily).

The suit has two varients. The summer varient, and the other one. Specifically in the hotter seasons, the suit is only worn with the head, paws and feet + usually a purple suit.

The other version, is the full suit, which covers the full body (is featured in the small doodle to the left). The full suit sometimes features a bowtie, or an undercoat (just to decorate it a little). And you'd be suprised by how quickly it can be put on. William got springlocked in this version specifically.

When specifically William wears the suit, his hair being too long, pokes out from underneath the head of the suit. It sometimes gets tangled in the springlocks! This makes it difficult to take off, ESPECIALLY if the springlocks are released.

Some more art of him (all a bit old):

---------------------------------------------------

The rewrite, which will be uploaded to Ao3, is split into 4 to 5 parts (it will be put into an folder on Ao3 to make it more organized). The timeline follows off canon for the most part, however most of the events have been organized into a specific timeline. The order of the games specifically that I am following is below.

(if the text is unreadable: FNAF 4 → FNAF 2 + Sister Location → FNAF 1 → FNAF 3 → FNAF 6)

PART ONE is centred before the main six games, and overlaps FNAF 4. It is centred around Henry Emily and William Afton (and their families) during the early stages of their animatronic making endeavours.

The other 3-4 parts have been planned out but I won't talk about them that much right now.

The AU leans a lot more on the characters, their motivations, and their relationships with other characters. It focuses more on telling the story in full than in hints, like the games do.

It is likely not going to be completely accurate to canon, so if the timeline changes with new FNAF releases then big whomp I've already made a timeline and I'm not touching that thing again.

If anyone wants like, a clearer rundown of what the fic is about if you are interested please feel free to comment or go on my asks i really appreciate any interest shown in this project, its annoyingly important to me LMAO

IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! like I yap so much, and this is me holding back and ive already written wayyyy to much for a singular tumblr post :( but yeah

If you'd like to see a specific character from FNAF in my AU/Rewrite, feel free to ask!!!!!!!

[sterekvidinhasz]

Ever since I found out what happened to Hanzo, I've been really upset, not just as a Subscorp fan, but also as a huge Hanzo fan.

When I saw Smoke's ending, I was very disappointed. In fact, Kuai Liang's ending made me sad too. First of all, I would like to ask NRS why Kuai married Harumi if, since her introduction into the story, she has always been Hanzo's wife. If the intention was to give Kuai a love interest, wouldn't it be better to create an entirely new character or let him have a relationship with a playable character?

If they specifically chose Harumi because she is part of the Shirai Ryu, wouldn't it be better to put Hanzo in her place? After all, he was the grandmaster of Shirai Ryu in the previous timeline.

I don't understand why they assigned this role to Harumi, when it could easily be given to Hanzo, who has been a playable character in the franchise since launch. I also didn't understand why Harumi married Kuai Liang. Harumi was Hanzo's wife, this was literally his only role in the story, she was part of Hanzo's construction as a character.

I can't like the fact that they excluded Hanzo from the creation of Shirai Ryu, as the clan revolved exclusively around him.

It may seem silly, but to me Hanzo was disrespected in every way possible. He is one of the 7 original characters and received an animated film dedicated to him. You might think "but all that attention wasn't necessarily given to Hanzo, that attention was given to Scorpion". Yes, I understand your point, but that Scorpion is intrinsically Hanzo. The development of Scorpion stemmed from Hanzo's story about losing his family and clan. In Mortal Kombat X, he stops being a wraith and returns to being completely Hanzo Hasashi. In Mortal Kombat X comics, he restores his clan (and unfortunately sees his clan massacred again). In Mortal Kombat 11, he has an excellent redemption arc as he fights alongside the good guys and tells his past self to give up undisciplined revenge.

So, I ask: why give everything that made Hanzo Hanzo to another character?

I have no problem with Kuai Liang being Scorpion. He can have Hanzo's gameplay, weapon and powers, that's okay. But why erase Hanzo from his clan creation and not allow him to have Harumi and Satoshi?

For example, Mileena was finally able to have a family, now she is loved by her sister. But why can't Hanzo have everything he wanted most (Harumi as his wife and Satoshi/Jubei as his son)?

This seems unfair to me. They gave Kuai Liang characteristics of another character. I know that in the new era, the characters have new origins, but they simply gave everything Hanzo had to Kuai Liang. They could create a really new origin for Scorpion Kuai Liang, but they simply discarded elements of Scorpion Hanzo's lore and gave it to him.

Hanzo became a homeless teenager, probably an orphan, he probably continues to suffer, when he could be happy next to Harumi and their son, commanding the Shirai Ryu side by side.

As someone who has been following Mortal Kombat for years and dreams of seeing Hanzo finally happy, it hurt my heart to realize that having what he always wanted is impossible even in Liu Kang's timeline.

If they don't want to change too many things, they can just say that Hanzo and Harumi are a couple and are friends of Kuai Liang's family. Hanzo and Harumi welcome Kuai and Tomas to Japan and help found Shirai Ryu. The boy that Smoke finds on Harumi's property could be Takeda, who was born from an affair between Kenshi and Suchin, just like in Mortal Kombat X comics.

I understand that a new era shows new perspectives and is different from the previous era, but what happened to Hanzo was disrespectful, it was a disregard for the character.

Kitana is still daughter of Sindel & Jerrod, Kuai Liang & Bi-han remain brothers, Tomas grew up with them like in the previous timeline, Mileena is still dating Tanya, Suchin is still Kenshi's love interest (he mentions her in intro dialogues)... So why can't Hanzo marry Harumi and be Satoshi's father? Why they hate him so much?

I'm indifferent to Hanzo and Harumi as a couple (there's not much to think about them, Harumi is an NPC and all her appearances before MK1 were just flashbacks or mentions). The point is that Hanzo suffered for eons over the death of his lover and his son, he would do anything to get them back, this has been demonstrated so many times. I just want him to have the life he always wanted.

And honestly, was it really necessary to give Kuai Liang a completely sudden love interest? He spent 30 years single, why is this out of the blue?

I'm very frustrated with all of this. Hanzo was reduced to an insignificant role in the story (even though he assumed the mantle of the most famous character in the franchise for 30 years), the writers decided to shove Kuai Liang into a random and unnecessary romance, we will probably never have Subscorp again (yes, I know we have a lot of content from them, there have been three decades of many interactions and moments between Kuai and Hanzo, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to having more of them in the new era).

Please do not take this as a criticism of Kuai. I think he was also a victim in all of this. They didn't need to discard elements from Hanzo's old lore and give it to him, Kuai is already a well-written enough character, I even think that his part in MKX comics, where he destroys the cyber initiative and takes leadership of his clan, is the most amazing thing I've ever seen, his transition from a boy who lost his brother to a Grand Master is sensational. He didn't need it. Each character has their individuality, no matter what mantle they take on. For example, when Kuai became Sub-zero after Bi-han's death, he had his own story. Bi-han, now Sub-zero again, appears to have his own story as well, quite different from Kuai Liang's and quite different from his own in Mortal Kombat (1992), Mortal Kombat II and Sub-zero Mythologies.

Anyway, that was just a rant. I have a lot of attachment to Hanzo as a character, so seeing what happened to him is something that really frustrates me.

[wuntrum]

do you have any tips for an artist who wants to start making one off comics? i really enjoy your artistic direction and style of story telling so i’m very interested in your thoughts on it

yes, definitely!!

-read lots of comics! and a variety of them, too--both ones in the sort of genre/style you'd like to make, but also ones in completely different genres, lengths, places of origin, traditionally/indie/digitally published, simple to experimental formatting, etc

-in relation to the last one, if a comic you read really speaks to you, take some time to study some page layouts from that comic! how do the panels vary from page to page? how much space is the text taking up? what sort of "shots" (to borrow from cinematic language lol) are they using? these shouldn't be fancy, just little thumbnails, but i find it really helps. here's a few i did from a guest in the house by emily carroll

-start smalllll. its really important to build up your stamina, just like with any new sort of skill. if you wanna make a graphic novel thats 200+ pages long, you should make some comics that are 1, 20, 50 pages long and see them through to the end before taking on a super big project.

-this is related to the last point, but i think keeping your cast of characters small at first can also help build up your comic stamina. signals was the first longer comic i made, so i specifically really wanted to focus on just jeanne (and occasionally her parents and peers when they showed up)

-character sheets are helpful, but i also think the easiest way to start getting your characters drawn consistently is through actually drawing the comic! there's also gonna be panels where they look "off" or whatever, and its literally fine, i promise

-through the smaller comics, experiment with how you go about writing your story! theres no right or wrong way to write/plan out a story so, it takes some trial and error to figure out what will work best with your work flow. for me, i've found success in making a timeline of events for the story -> loosely guessing how many pages i'll need/want per section of the story -> freewriting (trying not to edit too much, just dumping all the words out) -> thumbnailing/loose sketching/editing text (all sort of happens in the same step; i find i need the layouts in front of me to understand what i need/don't need from the text i wrote) -> tight sketching -> final . but, if that flow doesn't work for you, try something else! i know a lot of comics people find success in writing a script first, with indications of page and panel-by-panel breakdowns

-take shortcuts often and without guilt. its a lot of work to make a comic! theres just a lot of drawings involved, that most people aren't gonna look at for very long! i especially recommend for infrequent/difficult things, like buildings or crowds or cars or bookcases, using some sort of 3d asset/brush to make your life easier. if you can reuse a drawing and change the crop/expression, do it!

-use some sort of tracker to track your progress on how many pages you've sketched/inked/finished. even if you don't have an external deadline, i think it's still good to give yourself some sort of timeline to work on (i recommend setting "ideal" goals and "realistic" goals, especially if you're working/still in school/etc). for signals, i used google sheets, because you can set up columns to be attached to little circle charts, so as you check off your progress, you can really easily see how much you've done/how much you have left to do (as i type this i highkey forget how i did that before, with signals, so...you might need to do some sheets experimentation to actually do this lol. but there's probably other trackers you can use too)

-understanding comics and making comics by scott mccloud are both great books, highly recommend them (easy to get second hand/from your library/🏴‍☠️)

-lastly, haveee funnnnn

[servantserah]

✨ A guide to my Good Omens comics, fics and AUs ✨

Finally a new, reworked version! I've tried to compile this list with all my comics, AUs, fanfictions etc with links and tags to help everyone navigate them better! Please let me know if there are any questions or you'd like me to add/change something!

👇👇 Click "read more" to get to the full list! 👇👇

Please note that this list only includes AUs and works that consist of several parts/are a series; one shot comics are not listed here.

All of these works can also be found on my instagram, some of them on Twitter/X under the same tags.

🌱 Myosotis 🌱

Main comic (completed):

Myosotis is a flower, also known as ‘Forget-me-not’. It symbolizes faithful love and memories. According to a German legend, God forgot naming this flower and said “I forgot you once, I shall never forget you again.” This comic takes place one year after the events of Good Omens season 1. Crowley and Aziraphale have lost all their memories about each other. They meet again, thinking the other is human and feeling drawn towards each other, they soon develop a strong connection.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #myosotisAU

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Myosotis: Falter (completed):

This mini comic takes place 3 years after the conclusion of the Myosotis comic. Crowley and Aziraphale spend a rainy night at home when they get an unexpected visitor.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #myosotis falter

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So, you stopped Armageddon! ...Now what? (completed)

This fanfiction takes place after the final scene of season 1. Crowley and Aziraphale celebrate their newfound freedom and Crowley wonders if and how things between him and the angel were going to change. And what should they do now that they’ve retired? So many doors have opened before them all at once, it’s a little overwhelming.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #SYSA! ...NW?

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Crêpes (onging)

This comic takes place after the events of Good Omens season 2 and shows how Crowley deals with Aziraphale leaving.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #Good Omens crepes

⚜️ GoodGardenerAU (ggAU for short) ⚜️

In this AU Warlock actually is the Antichrist and his demonic Nanny Lilith 'Ash' Ashtoreth has been tasked to take care of him and ensure he brings upon Armageddon. What happens when the Antichrist's nanny is actually a terrible demon who doesn't want Armageddon to happen, who forms deep friendships with the other humans at the ambassador's estate and, worst of all, falls in love with the human gardener? This AU isn't one consistent long comic, but a collection of several shorter comics, fanfictions and artworks. They are listed chronologically below.

Tag: #GoodGardenerAU

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Lilium (completed):

This comic tells the story of how Ash became Warlock's nanny.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #ggAULilium

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Three Months (ongoing):

This fanfiction takes places immediately after the events of Lilium and is a glimpse into Ash's first three months living at the Dowling estate. It showcases their mental struggles and how they eventually let down their walls to befriend some of their new colleagues (among them the estate's gardener) and start their process of healing from millennia of trauma.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #ggAU three months

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Why It Doesn't Snow (completed)

A mini comic where Ash and Francis uncover the mystery of why it has stopped snowing in the area ever since Warlock’s birth.

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #ggAUsnow

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Ineffable Uncles (completed)

This comic is part of the Good Omens/ggAU Multiverse. Aziraphale and Crowley offer to watch over their AU niece Eden (Francis and Ash's daughter) for a weekened. What could go wrong?

➡️ Start reading ⬅️ | Tag: #ggAUineffableUncles

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ggAU Skyrim AU

An AU of my AU? Yes, sue me. This is a The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim AU for my GoodGardenerAU. It takes place in the world and rough timeline of the game. Ash is a Dunmer working at Braidwood Inn in Kynesgrove who seems to live a second, secret life in the shadows. Francis is a Nord working at Hollyfrost farm outside of Windhelm. Warlock is the Nord son of two busy trades people at Windhelm. Ash has been babysitting him since he was young. He is a normal boy who just so happens to have a special soul residing within him.

Tags: #ggAUSkyrim

These are AUs that exist but I sadly don't draw very often.

📚 Untitled Ineffable Wives AU 📚

This AU is still in progress! Aziraphale is a human working at her family's bookstore, while Crowley is a naga stranded in the human world. I won't give more details until I have it all more refined. They're very much lesbians in this.

Tag: #untitled wives au

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🧙🏼‍♂️ Ineffable Hobbit AU 🧙🏼‍♂️

An AU that takes place in Tolkien's Middle Earth, set primarily during the events of The Hobbit movies. Aziraphale Bilbo Baggins lives a quiet but peaceful life in The Shire until a wizard and thirteen dwarves drag him into an adventure to reclaim the dwarven mountain kingdom of Erebor from the terrible dragon Smaugley…. Only that Smaugley doesn’t seem all that terrible.

Tag: #IneffableHobbitAU

[saltieststar]

Reading far too much into things pt.4: Timeline of the Absolute plot

Spoilers Ahead

I've made some changes to the dates of BG3 and DIA to better align with the Forgotten Realms lore. I also made some slight adjustments to character backstories.

Sarevok was found in the streets by Bhaal after his resurrection in 1482, so it doesn't make sense for him to have both Helena and Orin already. To make the timeline more plausible, I've moved Orin's birth to late DR 1482 as a direct result of Sarevok's desperate attempt to regain Bhaal's favor. As for Helena, I imagine Sarevok had one of his doppelgängers take on Tamoko's form, fueling his delusions of what might have been, with Helena being the outcome. This fits with the idea of him becoming a pathetic shell of a man, consumed by regret over his failed attempt at godhood and everything he lost.

There's no mention of Ravenguard having a child in Murder in Baldur's Gate (DR 1482). In fact, he explicitly states that he has no interest in domestic life. I headcanon that Wyll is Ravenguard's bastard son, raised by a lower or middle-class mother, which explains his empathy toward the common folk—something most noble-born children wouldn't share. Ravenguard shows little interest in Wyll until he becomes Grand Duke in DR 1485 and sees an opportunity to shape Wyll into a successor for the Flaming Fist. This also explains why Wyll remains naive about his father's corruption and insists that Ravenguard is an upstanding man—it's the image Ravenguard cultivated for him.

Wyll mentions being pacted with Mizora for 7 years, yet the dragon cult incident he references seems to align with the events of Descent into Avernus (DIA) involving Tiamat's cult. Unless there's a third instance where Ravenguard is kidnapped, that man is quite the damsel, there is no way Wyll has had his pact for that long. In my headcanon, Wyll forms the pact with Mizora during DIA, joining the group of adventurers who stop the cultists, thwart the Vanthampur plot, and venture into Avernus to rescue his father and save the city.

With that out of the way onto the timeline:

DR 1470 (Or whatever year you HC Durge was born):  

A sect of Bhaal's cult reclaims Bhaal's essence from Mount Celestia and conducts a ritual in the waters beneath the Boarskyr Bridge, creating The Dark Urge, Bhaal's vessel.

DR 1482:

Bhaal is resurrected.

Silvershield becomes the Chosen of Bhaal and is slain. Becomes a Wight. **I don’t know why the wiki lists Silvershield as having been Grand Duke as far as I can tell he was only ever the Duke representing Baldur’s Gates upper class.**

Ravenguard takes on the role of the Duke representing the middle and lower class. He is promoted to Grand Duke at some point between 1482 and DIA, after Portyr relinquishes the title to him. I believe this occurred fairly close to the events in DIA, which I'm estimating to be around DR 1500.

Sarevok is tasked with rebuilding the cult of Bhaal.

Orin is born as part of a scheme to make Helena Chosen.

Sometime between DR 1482 and DR 1485:

The cult of Bhaal strikes a deal with Asmodeus to restore Bhaal to his former glory. In exchange, the Bhaalists target and kill those with existing pacts with Asmodeus so he doesn’t actually have to fulfill any of them. However, Asmodeus, true to his nature, reneges on the agreement (Chains of Asmodeus). As Bryseis Kakistos and all tieflings know, making a pact with Asmodeus is never wise.

The Red Wizards of Thay abduct Silvershield.

DR 1485:

Silvershield is killed (Dead in Thay).

The Dark Urge completes the rites to become an Unholy Assassin of Bhaal (Blood in Baldur's Gate).

Gortash becomes aware of the Cult of Bhaal's resurgence.

DR 1489:

Bhaal prepares to declare a new Chosen.

Sarevok pushes Helena to sacrifice Orin to prove her worth, but Bhaal rejects this.

DR 1490:

The Dark Urge and Gortash heist the Hall of Wonder and High House of Wonders, recovering Bhaalist artifacts, and Gortash steals blueprints of various Gondian inventions.

The Dark Urge becomes High Priest of Bhaal.

Gortash and The Dark Urge begin to correspond. Gortash is particularly interested in Bhaalspawn history, specifically Sarevok’s.

Gortash sells Karlach to Zariel to test whether infernal engines can be implanted into a human body. In return, he also gains a significant amount of infernal iron from the deal.

DR 1491-1498:

Gortash and The Dark Urge devise a scheme to rise to power in Baldur's Gate, ultimately leading to their recognition as Chosen. However, Bane and Bhaal have their own ideas on how to refine the plan.

Gortash monopolizes Baldur's Gate's arms trade. He uses this as leverage to become a councilor to the Lords of Baldur's Gate.

Gortash starts to rebuild the Iron Throne.

Gortash and The Dark Urge visit Ketheric Thorm, discover the Illithid colony, and plan to use it for their ends. Gortash also believes Ketheric's necromancers will prove useful in finalizing the design of his steel watch.

The Chosen of the Dead Three ally and hatch the plot of the Absolute.

Gortash and Durge plot how to get into Mephistar and heist the Crown. Raphael plays a very important role in this. Raphael has always sought the crown, and his old page boy will be much easier to take it from than his daddy. Raphael has Korilla provide Helsik with the information she needs to break them into Mephistar.

Gortash focuses on gaining status in Baldur's Gate (Call him Lord Gortash), using The Dark Urge to eliminate those he can't bribe or blackmail into supporting him.

Gortash takes control of the Gondians.

The Cults of Bane and Bhaal back Duke Vanthampur's bid to become Grand Duke because it serves their broader goals. She pays them with Tiamat's hoard, and her plan discredits both the Flaming Fist and weakens the Dukes, making it easier for Gortash to argue for a change in power. However, Gortash betrays her by recruiting a group of adventurers to stop the low-level cultists of the Dead Three who are rampaging through the Gate (They're disposable, it's fine). These adventurers also investigate rumors that Duke Vanthampur is sheltering Elturel's ruler, Thavius. Gortash's actions paint him in a favorable light, as Baldur's Gate believes they've driven out the cult of the Dead Three once again. It also sets a nice stage for the rise of the Cult of the Absolute (Descent into Avernus).

The Chosen duo successfully heists Mephistar while Raphael occupies his father.

Sarevok begins to manipulate Orin, suggesting she should be chosen. Whispers how The Dark Urge further tarnishes Bhaal’s reputation by growing close to the Chosen of Bane.

The Dark Urge. Gortash, and Orin journey to Moonrise to enslave the brain. Orin, disguised as a regular Bhaalist, is tasked with uncovering the source of Ketheric’s invulnerability while the Chosen are otherwise occupied. She seizes this opportunity to plant doubts in Ketheric’s mind, suggesting that the other Chosen will betray him once he has served his purpose. She tells Ketheric how Gortash believes he can control her blood kin and rule alongside them and how her blood kin preens at the tyrant's attentions. Ketheric and Orin plot for her to usurp The Dark Urge.

DR 1499:

Orin betrays The Dark Urge, assisted by Ketheric. (Takes place at least 9 months before BG3, as Bhaal is choosing another Chosen at the end of BG3, and it takes a year for them to take on a new avatar.)

Ketheric helps to cover up the disappearance of The Dark Urge.

Events of DIA (At least 9 months before BG3. There is a note in the game that refers to the events as having happened last year. When you wake up on the beach, it is the 21st of Elaisis, which is the ninth month in the Harptos calendar.)

DR 1500:

Events of BG3 unfold (1.5 to 2 months)

Gortash takes advantage of Ravenguard's disappearance to make a bid for Archduke.

[oldmanjenkins985]

So, I'd like to bring something to everyone's attention because I haven't seen like, anyone talk about this. It kinda pertains to Tessa's age (I think, I'll get around to explaining that in just a sec)

So y'all remember the flashback in ep 2 to the mansion, right? It was at the very start of the episode.

Take a look at Tessa in it.

That's...very clearly a different model, right? She looks a *lot* more child like to me here, around 10-12 years old.

Just compare it to ep 5's model and you can instantly tell there's a difference. She looks a lot more mature and her head is much wider. Her features are more pronounced and she generally just looks more lady like. I estimate her age is anywhere from 16-19 years old as I don't think she's older than a teenager. Behavior isn't a super great thing to go off of in terms of age, but she does still seem pretty childish. She's about as dramatic as me and I'm 18, turning 19 in a few days. Her physicality could also match anywhere in that age range as I've seen girls go into highschool at 15 and leave at 18 and they looked like, exactly the same.

I think this is very clearly establishing a timeline here with a much younger Tessa appearing in ep 2 and then an older one in ep 5. Shows that she's had these drones for a while. It doesn't confirm her age still, trust me I looked the best I can and there's really nothing major for her either being a minor or adult. Hence why I went with the estimate of 16-19 as I really don't think she's much younger than that. MAYBE 15 if you *really* stretch it. I've gone over some points before that may hint to her age like the wine glass but ultimately I don't think there's enough evidence to definitively determine an age. She's almost certainly in her teens though, with ep 2 Tessa being 10-12 like I said. Just based on guesses

And no, I don't think this was simply a model change due to budget or just a change Liam made because he was unsatisfied with the first model or whatever. The reason I believe this is because Spacesuit Tessa and Flesha were both designed at the same time, and Tessa's proportions were very clearly designed in a way to allow for Flesha. And given Spacesuit Tessa would've had to be ready for ep 3, I doubt there was much time between ep 2's production and ep 3 to make the Flesha design and then change Tessa's to match with it. Especially since ep 4 we actually get to *see* Flesha who would have ep 5's Tessa model's proportions. In fact, I think it's literally a modified version of Tessa's model and not the actual Flesha model. So I believe the ep 2 and 5 differences *are* delibrate and a way for Liam to tell us at least a few years have passed between those events. It makes sense too since the relationship between Cyn and Tessa seemed to have gone from inseperable bond (they have the same hair and have had multiple photos together, including one with the main three and her parents), to complete disdain as seen in ep 5

Ultimately, nothing is really confirmed about her age from my research. But I do find it interesting that Liam definitely wanted to show us two different era's of Tessa's life, even if her younger years were shown extremely briefly.

One more thing I'd like to point out is that Tessa's model isn't *completely* unique there are a couple of people at the party who seem to use it as a base, this lady being the most obvious.

She very clearly uses at *least* Tessa's head. I wouldn't be surprised if they just threw the clothes over the rest of her model as well.

That's all I've got for today. Have a good one folks

[nocturnalazure]

Evolution of the storyline

This is following @danjaley's post about all the turns her story has taken throughout the years and her enquiry about my own process in the comments. More under the cut because long.

I haven't got any blurbs of potential dialogues to share simply because I don't write anything beforehand. My writing is mostly improvised.

I have never planned anything until the Sam/Ash-to-the-future storyline (that takes us back to somewhere around 2017, phew). I have a vague idea of where I want to go and sometimes adjust during shooting or writing. Since I don't plan, the canon story becomes the only story and all the other options I may think of are quickly forgotten. That's still the way I roll most of the time BUT...

When I sent Ash and Sam 250 years into the future, it became clear that I didn't want it to be any future. I wanted to see the future generations of all my Sims. But that of course requires a huge amount of planning. I've always enjoyed pairing up characters so my favorite part of planning was deciding which couples would be best together, who would have kids, etc. At the second generation, it became a bit random simply because I was working with names in a timeline and not characters I had the time to get attached to. But I scrupulously recorded all the generations. See below: I used that Excel timeline it to keep track of how many generations I needed to get to Sam & Ash's timeline (the dark red line at the end) and how old everyone would be (so that I don't end up pairing up a YA with a toddler, ya see?). The various life stages are the pastel cells. I won't tell you what the other color codes are.

Then I went in game and impregnated the hell out of my Sims. I just made quick genetic templates so to speak. You want a sneak peek at some of these hastily created Sims? Go here.

You may be horrified to know that at some point (a long time ago), I had considered pairing up Hugo with Annabelle. Or Jessie with Cordelia. I know. I'm sorry. Youthful mistake. We're definitely not going there.

Julian and Risa were also supposed to have a second child called Dorian. I think I just wanted my Sims to pop babies all the time.

What about Nate, Ivy and Seth? I can't remember exactly when I decided to kill them off (the most difficult decision I've ever made), but it definitely wasn't a key element from the start. Like so many plot events, it just... suddenly made sense and I knew I had to go down that path.

So like I said, I need a specific future. But having many Sims popping babies all over the place didn't seem manageable (or realistic). So I kind of implemented a sort of one-child policy (two at most) and removed some potential kids from the generation lines. That's when the Golzine line was set. I know exactly who will be heir 250 years in the future, and who their parents are.

What am I going to do with all those other Sims over multiple generations that I have basically fated to each other? I have no clue yet. I thought I'd figure it out as I went along... you know, as I usually do!

Big haha. Joke's on me.

Because obviously, here we are, 7 years and a big mess later. That future storyline has me backed into a corner. Characters have evolved and some couples just don't make sense anymore. Now I remember why I hate planning when it relates to my creativity. It's so limiting! Obviously, I can't explain in details without spoiling but I'm on really shaky ground. That's why it's taking me so long to get back to Sam & Ash. All I can safely say, because you all know that by now, is that Laurie and Erik were not supposed to fall for each other! I had initially planned Erik to marry Cordelia, then rather quickly changed my mind because it had suddenly dawned on me that he would be so good with Gloria. That was already a problem, but at least it was easily fixable. My two doofuses pining after each other was not part of the plan AT ALL.

How did that happen? Well, mostly because I completely misunderstood Laurie's personality. I've realized it quite early on while writing him, but I may have underestimated the extent of his influence over the plot. The Golzine storyline is the one I had to work on in the most detailed way because they have quite a big impact on pretty much everything. I know who Laurie's heir will be, and the heir after that, and the heir after that. In order to get there, things have to happen a certain way. Some characters have to be born, ya know? And things would happen because of previous events. Laurie is a wrench into all of my future plans.

He was supposed to be some sort of casanova and to have an enemies-to-lovers relationship with Anh Wong. He was self-assured, flirty and a bit entitled. In other words, he was Noah's successor and his relationship with Anh was always meant to be a chaotic one (she's the one who would send him to jail), even when Laurie was with other women. Note I said "women". I hadn't considered that he could be bisexual. His relationship with Erik was strictly that of a close friendship. I was quite hyped about Laurie and Anh getting together and the (friendly) dynamics between him and Erik as his right-hand man. Although I never do that, I had even written down some lines of dialogues. I won't share those though, because it is all cringy banter and not much substance. But I kept the gist of my initial plan: Shu trying to protect her sister from getting her heart broken, Laurie and Anh's little dance and her mistrust of him, Erik the guard dog... Then I threw in the mob council last minute (initially, its only role was to legitimate Laurie as the Golzine heir), but characters like Jie, Romeo and Omar turned out to be a lot less minor than I'd thought and the entire Laurie arc has spun out in a ludicrous way. When I started it in 2020, I never thought I'd still be working on it in 2024.

...I don't regret anything. *sniff*

After all, I always meant for Anh to let her hair down at some point.

I was so sure that I knew Laurie, that I had his character and motives well under control. I don't even know how he did it but he took over his own story. Even now, he's pulling his own strings, I guarantee you. I believe that this is why the latest update (that I had been looking forward to writing for literal years) took so long: slowly but surely, Laurie is redirecting me. Nothing in that update happened exactly the way I had planned.

I'm convinced that the guy is the key to everything but how exactly? I guess he'll let me know last minute.

This story is a moving target, for real. I'll tell you what. Ask me again in 2034. By then, the plot will maybe have moved forward a little and I will be able to tell you how what I was planning a decade earlier actually didn't work out and we'll have a good laugh about it.

(Actually, once we're a bit further along on the current storyline, maybe I will be able to share more on what was supposed to happen - patience!)

[cdroloisms]

I've been in a particular c!Dream mood today, so I thought I might as well take a bit of a crack at the timeline with the hindsight of the Dream SMP being over specifically with respect to c!Dream in terms of his actions from the revive book deal to staged finale.

Here's a post by Airrec and Bluebell that goes into a lot, definitely worth reading in terms of timeline shenanigans. With all that said, here's a few dates:

some time before november 6th - revive book deal

nov 16th - it's november 16th what can i even say

nov 18th/19th - c!Dream frames c!Tommy for stuff with c!Puffy

nov 23rd - vikk and lazar join the server

nov 28th - george's house burned

nov 29th - probation begins, date set for exile negotiations, dream says that he wouldn't push for exile if he got mellohi

dec 2nd - spirit speech

dec 3rd - dethronement

dec 4th - tommy exiled, prison commissioned

dec 6th - egg discovered, mexican lmanburg conflict, prison construction begins

dec 15th - dream gives techno map to woodland mansion and warns him of butcher army

dec 16th - tommy leaves exile, technoblade execution

dec 17th - dream and punz conversation about staged finale

january 5th - green festival

january 6th - doomsday

january 20th - staged finale

for this time period, there's a few things we know for sure, now:

c!dream didn't intend to put himself in prison at first but did plan on doing so by the time he told punz about staged finale. this is also when doomsday was for sure in the cards

c!dream created the prison largely due to his anxiety because of the supernatural that was specifically triggered by the revive book deal

c!dream was publicly known as having "no allies but punz" by the time of dethronement

c!dream takes on the stereotypical villain role in full during green festival, immediately after securing both discs

vikk and lazar experiments had to happen around/after doomsday, as the last time they're seen around the server is january 4th

with all of this in mind, there are a few things that we can pretty confidently conclude:

c!Dream was obviously thinking about the prison before he specifically commissioned c!Sam for it, but in the early days of the prison's conception (and judging by similar wording that we see him use on the day that the prison construction started) it is reasonable to believe that in universe, c!Dream did not yet plan to put himself in the prison when the prison construction began, and therefore staged finale was not yet his end goal

c!Dream's investigation of the supernatural could not have yet occurred at the beginning of his plans re: exile, as even if you consider the idea of vikk and lazar experiments happening earlier than their last known sighting on the server, they literally didn't join the server until november 23rd or so--and c!Dream's starting to frame c!Tommy for things happens November 18/19th, which leads into the exile conflict when c!Tommy does do something by burning down George's house

c!Dream's plan with exile seems to center heavily around the discs, as we had originally concluded. This is evident in his telling NLM that he wouldnt push for exile if he was given Mellohi, the focus on the discs during Spirit Speech, and his obvious change in demeanor once he was given the disc in Green Festival. The focus on separating Tommy and Tubbo (as Tubbo had Tommy's disc) during exile + after obviously went into this--however, as staged finale was, as we've established, not yet planned at this time, c!Dream evidently wanted the disc for other purposes

while it's impossible to say when c!dream switches gears for staged finale completely, it's obvious that this was the route that he had chosen when he brought the plan up to c!punz (when he already quite evidently had thought through several parts of the plan to put himself in the prison: he talks about something he'll do that'll make everyone hate him (doomsday), the need to stage a falling out (the finale), and considerations about the prison being "put to use") on December 17th. his reasons for deciding to commit fully to staged finale are hinted at by this conversation as well by his mentioning the failed execution of c!Technoblade and how that has reinforced the idea that they will now be after him the day before (December 16th) and c!Dream specifically establishing a rapport with c!Technoblade on December 15th by giving him a heads up on the Butcher Army seems to indicate his starting to act with the intention of possibly going through with staged finale in the future

more speculative side of this under the cut (warning. it's long and rambly and definitely less coherent than i usually try to be, which isn't great considering i'm already quite wordy and incoherent):

obviously c!dream was gunning for the disc for the entirety of the exile conflict, but we know that that wasn't specifically about staged finale yet because he hadn't yet planned to put himself in prison. at some point in time between december 5th and december 17th, his plans changed from the prison being intended for nebulous powerful enemy to being intended for himself--hence him being particularly neurotic about security and probably explaining shit like, raw potatoes etc. dream specifically says that exile didn't work in his tweet because tommy got away and went to technoblade, but after tommy leaves he also doesn't seem to prioritize continuing along that original plan--he explicitly says that he doesn't care where tommy is as long as he's away from the SMP, and even when he catches tommy a few times by the main server after that he really doesn't make a priority of taking him away + reexiling him. the most obvious example of this is his confrontation with technoblade at the nether portal, as the prioritization of saving the favor instead of using it for tommy is a very explicit show of him prioritizing the plan in its current iteration over continuing to harangue tommy

thinking about all of this i feel like. immediately after november 16th, c!dream had like. something like, three main goals? 1) Holy Shit What The Fuck + dealing with the supernatural side of the server, 2) dealing with the tommy problem (tm) and trying to restabilize the political situation on the server at that time, and 3) ensuring his safety and the safety of his allies

obviously some of c!dream's priorities after the revive book have to do with the supernatural, and obviously a world reset is something he specifically starts looking into after doing more revive book research. but seeing as revive book research isn't really possible until later on in season 1b, i think it's safe to say that until he was sure about that, the plan regarding the supernatural at first is to lock shit down and figure things out. c!punz obviously is an asset in the "figuring things out" department, and the prison itself is the biggest and most obvious example of c!dream taking proactive action to not be caught off guard. c!schlatt obviously scared the shit out of him and everyone in part just because no one expected alluvthat to go down, and the revive book reveal on top of all of c!schlatt's being. Like That. obviously sent c!dream into a spiral--the prison is a very obvious sort of knee jerk reaction to "there are threats beyond your comprehension that defy all known laws of reality" because he reacts by being like Okay Then We Will Make Something That Can Contain Any Threat (tm). the egg + realizing the literal world is broken when he and punz start doing revive book research obviously exacerbates all of this

the second thing that c!dream prioritizes literally immediately is dealing with c!tommy and the discs. which was definitely ooc for him at the time--he literally never was a guy that outright hunted down c!tommy before this time, and the disc conflicts were repeatedly initiated by c!tommy, not c!dream. his trying to frame the hell out of tommy was a new thing

but it's important to consider that on november 16th, c!Tommy very explicitly makes a point of saying Hey, My Goal Now Is Going To Be Getting Those Discs. he talks to tubbo specifically as well about how at the end of the day, no matter what happens, it'll be them against dream for the discs (and dream has neither disc at this point?)--c!Dream has every reason to believe that the Disc Conflict (tm) is going to start up soon and that c!Tommy is going to be back in Starting Shit Over The Discs Mode that had defined a lot of their conflicts pre-Manberg. and, well, you can't even say that he's wrong here--c!Tommy even makes a point of saying later that he went after c!George's house because he wanted to get to c!Dream.

when you consider stuff like c!tommy talking about his unfinished business and all-encompassing paranoia, right, it really is. like. c!dream is fucking scared as shit at the Eldritch Forces Beyond His Comprehension, he sees the world as out to Get Him especially after nov 16th makes him all but enemy no. 1, and he knows. KNOWS, for sure, that c!tommy is going to go back to pursuing him in the near future. and he's got a server that is very unstable after the fall of manberg and pogtopia, and the literal supernatural as a problem to contend with, and Tommy Fucking Innit is about to come after him again. and he's got no real leverage

the peace treaty between lmanburg + dream smp doesn't exist anymore because manberg was violently overthrown, the reasonable wilbur that allowed for peaceful coexistence on the server is just Gone, tommy is coming after him, the entire world doesn't make sense anymore

so all of this seems to suggest you know that the whole thing that c!Dream says about the discs in spirit speech all seems to be a big part of what he's doing at this point--c!Tommy is a threat that goes out of his way to fuck with c!Dream, he's continuing the disc conflict (a conflict that largely consisted of c!Dream being stolen from and blackmailed pre-Manberg) and the way exile conflict goes down (between c!Tommy telling all of NLM hey guys you know the most important part of all of this are my discs and the whole. Spirit situation.) really seems to affirm all of that. so with c!Tommy specifically talking about how he wants to continue the Disc Conflict, it does seem to suggest that to a certain degree, c!Dream's goal at this point in time might've been to more or less "win" the disc war and end that conflict already. by making himself someone impossible to blackmail (unlike how he was in the past) he establishes that c!Tommy's gambits to get the discs away from him that he's used in the past won't work anymore, which means that when c!Dream gets the discs it'll basically be game over.

he knew that the discs would be a problem again bc tommy literally announced it to everyone, and with dream this high strung he probably thought that this time he was going to make it happen according to his time frame instead of just waiting for tommy to attack him out of nowhere or some shit. as far as c!dream is concerned, c!tommy is one of the biggest threats against him on the server at that point because c!tommy Will Not Let This Conflict Go. and honestly, c!dream has a lot of reason to think of c!Tommy as a character with a hell of a lot of sway, considering uh. people were listening to this kid more or less over wilbur during the war on nov 16th and in pogtopia and all.

like for c!dream, c!tommy is a threat that isn't going to stop until dream makes him stop, and he's a guy that can pretty effectively make a lot of people on the server agree with him. he has very little bargaining power with nlm at the minute, but the situation (as far as he's concerned) is definitely more controllable with nlm than it was for like, manberg. tubbo is someone that can be reasoned with and someone that couldn't afford a war, and he did seem to be prioritizing peace over starting stupid battles--so for dream, the priority would've been getting the guy who DID make his whole deal into "starting stupid battles" to Stop Fucking Doing That, and just. in general, securing the discs was his best route for doing so. by getting the discs, he has solid leverage over c!tommy that he knows that c!tommy will listen to, and by establishing that blackmail wont work on him the way it has in the past, as soon as he gets the discs he does more or less "win"

in continuation of this, when it comes to c!Dream's goals about NLM in particular at this time, i am. looking at what he says about tubbo being a reasonable leader and going hmmmm. because what's pretty clear, right, is that no matter how you cut it, doomsday has to be connected to staged finale and putting dream in the prison. there is no world, no matter how buddybuddy he is with NLM and/or tommy, that destroying NLM through Doomsday wouldn't make everyone want his head on a stake. if c!Dream didn't decide on staged finale until later, it does seem like a logical progression of that statement to say he didn't decide on Doomsday until later as well. Which, once again, fits his actions at this point in time--c!dream specifically points to nlm's successfully hunting down and executing technoblade and subsequent focus on hunting him down as being the reason why they have to go for staged finale full throttle, and the butcher army escalating is the reason why he starts moving towards an allyship with c!Techno, the local guy who hates countries and would be the most obvious ally in destroying one.

(edit: this indicates that c!dream, who doesn't originally seem to be gunning for Doomsday specifically if we consider that he doesn't decide on staged finale until a little later, didn't really tip over onto the side of "this place has to go fr" until more obvious signs of nlm being completely averse to a "resolution" of sorts, the most obvious of that being the butcher army and plans to Go And Kill People including c!dream. and this further aligns with some of his villain speech on green festival, where he specifically talks about tubbo being a bad leader because he let quackity push him around too much, as we know that quackity was the one behind a lot of butcher army)

id say c!dream's plans immediately after november 16th seemed to be more along the lines of reestablishing a status quo with nlm than anything else--establishing himself again as the guy that shouldn't be fucked with (the walls, threatening to close the borders) and working for the discs. in a way he almost seems to be reverse engineering the original independence deal with lmanburg--technical independence for the discs, you guys agree to not mess with me and my shit and i get leverage over the guy that won't stop picking a fight with me--like exile was definitely about trying to get tommy to Stop Fucking Doing That + trying to get the discs first and foremost, because if tommy sees him as a "friend" and dream has the goddamn discs (and is no longer blackmailable) then the chances of the server "going back to normal" probably felt higher, all while dream is i think more or less trying for some level of peaceful coexistence with nlm--trying to establish himself as someone rational and willing to work with them and not against them as long as everyone was staying in their goddamn lanes

but obviously between the situation with c!tommy quickly showing itself as not really being sustainable + nlm's increasing aggression, considering how he obviously knew abt butcher army and later on green festival, he had to abandon the idea that the server could return to a status quo and instead go for the staged finale, with the breaking point obviously being c!Tommy leaving exile and the butcher army making its first definitive move on december 16th

c!dream framing c!tommy -> exile conflict -> saying that he'll not push for exile if he gets the disc all definitely seems to be For The Discs, and the specific engineering of a divide between tommy and tubbo (through exile, obviously) definitely seems to be for the purpose of getting the disc, either through convincing c!tommy to give it to him directly or through pressuring c!tubbo to give it to him as he does in green festival. his increasing lack of giving a shit about where c!tommy is and what he's doing post-dec 16th suggests that he switches gears in his plan, and the main thing that he emphasizes at that point is still the separation between tommy and tubbo (though obviously to a less neurotic degree than he does during exile) (and obviously even in exile the separation he particularly keeps up is once again between c!clingy and not all of the other like, ten people that visit tommy) . the emphasis on the discs isn't yet about staged finale but obviously does get incorporated into it when he comes up with staged finale because mans literally already made a whole plan centering around getting the discs of course he'd still proceed with it even when it becomes clear that peaceful coexistence, with or without them, has become completely impossible

and like all of this is happening at the same time that c!dream is actively freaking the fuck out about the revive book, and later experimentation really doesn't help with any of that at all when he discovers that whole Corruption thing. by the time we get to staged finale, the best way of ensuring some kind of stability seems to be having punz keep an eye out, getting rid of lmanburg for good, locking himself up to be like 👍 okay i cant cause problems anymore, and giving tommyinnit those god damned discs holy fuck

and obviously with no one really willing to peacefully coexist until they thought of him as Defeated (a point obviously established over the course of season 1b) that meant that the best way to ensure that he, his allies, and the revive book were all secured would be to engineer his own defeat and put himself in the safest possible position

buuuuuut yeah i think as far as my thoughts on c!dream and plans in season 1b, there's the plan to get the disc + reestablish a status quo of sorts that he abandons for good by the time of december 17th (though as early as december 15th we can see him starting to switch away from it + he probably came up with the plan for staged finale and doomsday and putting himself in the prison in more specifics earlier than that) and after that we see him full throttle go for staged finale until jan 20

and it's important right that during all of this c!dream is acting notably different from how he acts at literally any other point in the server. we know he has a literal like, psychotic break + paranoid spiral because of the revelations of the revive book and all of that ends up with him making the giant fucking what the fuck that is the prison. he's notably paranoid during a LOT of this two-month period. this is not a man in his right mind and a lot of the plans i think around this time definitely reflect that--staged finale is Batshit, and his plan to get the discs is Batshit as well. he's still strategizing and obviously he still pulls off staged finale successfully, but like. in terms of the actual like decisions he's making. it's like. holy hell dude why are you doing things like THAT.

and the idea of backup plans upon backup plans is also something that we see a lot from c!dream--he is adaptable and will change what he does based on the circumstances around him. we saw it in the revolution and multiple back up plans in terms of this time period makes sense as well--the original plan with exile was to get c!Tommy to see him as his "friend" to achieve his goal (with his goal, as established, seeming to be to get the discs), but when that obviously wasn't really working he instead focuses on pressuring c!Tubbo through establishing himself as less volatile than c!Tommy to end up obtaining Mellohi during the Green Festival. his shifting away from originally trying to establish an agreement with NLM more similar to how the server had been pre-Manberg when doing so was evidently impossible bc of the butcher army focusing wholeheartedly on hunting him down leads to the plan that consists of Doomsday/Staged Finale/Putting himself in the prison, which secures himself + his ally + the revive book and gets rid of the perceived major threat that was evidently not going to agree to coexist peacefully, NLM.

anyway hopefully someone could make some sense out of . all of that. a lot of speculation in terms of his original plan pre-staged finale but i think that it does seem to fit w/ some earlier patterns that have been established--mostly i'm just solid on the points of 1) he was gunning for the disc from the beginning for his goals, whatever his goal at the time was and 2) i don't think doomsday + a total annihilation of lmanburg was really something he was specifically gunning towards until he established staged finale as the plan, because he obviously knew that destroying lmanburg would destroy any possibility of peace between him and the rest of the server and would therefore have to ensure his safety through something like putting himself in the prison--after all, c!dream at the beginning of this whole arc already knows that he's alone and wasn't necessarily trusting in a whole collection of allies to watch his back (like, as if anyone watched his back like, from the revolution onwards. lmao. guy literally has more allies by this point in punz and ranboo than he did before i stg)

[unseededtoast]

Turtle Doves | Joel Miller

Part Twenty Two

Chapter Directory

Series Summary: In which two broken souls connect so deeply, that if one should perish, the other would surely die of a broken heart. (slow burn, timeline changes. After TLOU1, before TLOU2, assumed knowledge of infected, uses elements from both show and game)

Series Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, and sexual content.

Also cross posted on my Wattpad and AO3, if you prefer those formats. Here is a link to my masterlist for everything else I’ve posted.

"But that night you got hurt, I enjoyed killing them. I liked hearing them die in front of me, their blood staining my hands."

Joel and I don't stay in the town for another night, we continue on. Our pace is slower than what I've become accustomed to, but Joel's wound isn't completely healed yet. The two of us have been silent after our discovery, Joel didn't have anything to say after I declared my death threat. No, instead of saying anything, he just handed me the photos and nodded solemnly.

With the two of us getting closer and closer to Omaha, I find myself feeling appreciative of Joel's slower pace. This gives us opportunities to find things we may have otherwise missed. And it also gives me more time with him. Since his near-death experience, I find myself trying to memorize the way his eyes shine golden in the sunlight, the way his voice sounds in the morning, how his shirt clings to the broadness of his shoulders, just small details. The small details are the ones I know will fade first, and I want to be able to hold onto them for as long as possible.

I know this to be fact because I can no longer quite remember what Ryan's voice really sounded like, and I can't quite remember just how soft Lucas' hair was. The simple things about them have slowly faded from my mind without me realizing it, until I thought about them one day and could never truly remember. I've never been able to forgive myself for forgetting, and I know I don't want to forget these things about Joel. After all, he's the man who has kept me alive all this time.

A part of me wishes I could be there when he's reunited with his pseudo-daughter. I wonder if he's going to tell her about this, or never mention it to her at all. She would have no idea I exist, or that Joel and I took this trip together. I know Joel is trying to protect her from the people of this world due to her immunity, so it makes sense if he never tells her about any of this. She's still a child at the end of the day, and no child should hear that there's a bunch of crazed men out there trying to find and kill them. Even if she never knows about me, or any of this, I know I'll still be able to rest peacefully at night with the knowledge that I helped protect her.

"This okay for tonight?" We stop walking as Joel points out a small, run-down gas station. It's likely the only building for miles, and so I agree to stop here for the night.

As we set up our makeshift camp, I continue to think about the girl waiting for him back in Wyoming. After hours of on-the-road thoughts, I can't help but to be fascinated with someone who is immune. It's glaringly obvious that she's one of a kind. Sure, I've known for a while that she's immune, but I think it just took some time to process it, to really understand what it means and the ramifications of it. But mostly, I just want to know how it happened. What caused her to be immune and why it's not being replicated anywhere else, that we know of.

My eyes follow Joel's form as he starts the fire for the night, my thoughts anywhere but the present. I watch how he situates the flammable material while wondering what his life is like in Wyoming and if he's excited to be back. Obviously, he's probably eager considering he's got family waiting for him. He lights the fire and the amber glow illuminates his features in soft light. His eyes look warm and inviting, the curve of his nose beautifully adorns his face with unique character, the plumpness of his lips reflect with the drink of water he just took. As if he feels my eyes lingering on him, he looks over and meets my gaze.

"What's on your mind?" He asks, shifting back from the fire a few feet as it takes flame. My eyes dance between him and the fire, debating if I should confess or not.

"I um, I've just been thinking about a lot of things." It's not a complete lie, I guess. Orange flames rise and dissipate, crackling in front of us.

"About what? You've been quiet since this morning." Instead of confiding in him my most recent thoughts, I decide to unload the other thing that's been bothering me for a while now, since he was stabbed. With a sigh and a quick lick of my lips, I tell him my moral dilemma.

"I've never been one to enjoy taking a life. Didn't like it when I was on FEDRA gate duty, and I didn't like it when we ran into the Fireflies. But that night you got hurt, I enjoyed killing them. I liked hearing them die in front of me, their blood staining my hands. And I've been having these thoughts of what it's going to feel like to kill these people. It's almost anticipatory." Our eyes stay locked on one another as I speak, my words quiet and somber. With a shaky breath, I continue,

"And I'm not sure what that makes me. Am I really any different from them if I look forward to killing?" My throat constricts, like my body doesn't want me to voice my fear. The silence between us is palpable and dread grows in me with each second Joel doesn't say something. Not being able to handle the criticism when he opens his mouth, I focus on the fire.

"Doesn't make you a bad person, if that's what you're worried about." He finally speaks, and his words catch me off guard, the total opposite of what I was expecting.

"Then what does it make me? Because it isn't good." My voice cracks. I know it's not fair to be asking him these questions, but, I can't stop from asking them. He shifts his weight to his other side and leans forward slightly, looking deeper into my eyes and I fear if he looks too hard he'll be able to see right into my soul.

"Makes you human. Means you have purpose, something worth protecting. Or, in your case, a ledger to balance." There is no trace of anything but authenticity as he speaks, his words settling into my mind. My eyebrows come close together as I mull over what he's said and I realize he may be right.

"You know I really thought you were going to die that night." I change the subject slightly, not wanting to admit to him that he's becoming my 'something to protect' and a part of my 'ledger to balance'.

"And if I did I suppose it was just my time." He relaxes his posture as if the thought of death is no more stressful than deciding what he's going to wear the next day.

"Don't say that." I shake my head, not wanting any more images of his dead body in my mind. The one from this morning, from the photos, still haven't left my mind. Each time they pop up behind my eyelids, it instills a new fear in me each time.

"You did a damn good stitch job." He tries to lighten the mood, pulling up the hem of his shirt to show the still intact sutures.

"It's a wonder you didn't bleed out. Do you even remember what happened?" I'm not entirely sure how much he saw, or what he remembers. To answer my question, he shakes his head.

"Not really, just remember you gettin' there and the rest is just kind of-" He motions with his hands that his memory of the night has become scrambled.

"One of them got you real good with their machete. I stuffed the wound with my shirt to try to stop the bleed and then I had to get you to another building. On the ground just outside of where we ended up there was one of their torches, barely still burning on the sidewalk. So I took it and heated the blade of my hunting knife, then I cauterized the cut. Found the sewing supplies when I was looking around and just did my best. Truthfully, you lost a lot of blood, like, way too much." I give him the brief recounting of the night. His fingers lightly trace the stitching before he meets my eyes again.

"Thank you." He tenderly says, dropping the hem of his shirt.

"It was the least I could do." I shrug one of my shoulders. The silence between us returns for a few more moments before Joel announces that he's going to get some sleep for the night. I tell him I'm going to as well, but end up staying awake.

After a while, the flames of the fire begin dying off but my eyes remain affixed to the back of Joel. The shirt across his shoulders is drawn tight, battling to stay intact. His dark curls are barely brushing the collar of the shirt, more prominent from the humidity of the day. As my eyes wander down his solid form, the chain around my neck seems to burn my skin. Disgust with myself boils up from within, and I force myself to look away from Joel.

My gaze turns up to the ceiling and I try to flood my mind with how Ryan sounded, how he felt, how he loved me. Bits and pieces come back, like how his hand felt on my cheek, how solid his chest felt when I hugged him, but I cannot remember his voice. I can feel the timbre of it, but can't place the true tone and inflection. Tears well in my lower lash line as I accept that I genuinely can't remember him fully anymore. I've known for a while that certain things have faded, but I never took the time to mourn that loss, I have not allowed myself to mourn Ryan the way I should have all those years ago.

My hands curl into frustrated fists, my nails digging crescent shapes into my palm as silent tears run down my face. Tears of guilt for forgetting, tears of sadness because I can no longer remember all of my husband. Tears of fear because I realize that I may be falling in love with another man; one whom I cannot be with. I grit my teeth together in lieu of screaming and a hollow feeling opens in my chest.

Moving faster than my mind can keep up, I go outside where the air hits the wetness of my face and sends a shiver down my spine. Once I'm sure that I'm far enough to where Joel can't hear me, I let myself cry. With each ragged breath I take my chest heaves up and down unevenly. Tears uncontrollably run down my face and I grip the chain around my neck tightly, wishing I could just have one more second with my family, wishing I could feel the warmth of their skin on mine, to tell them how much I love them one final time. Hoping and praying that my love for them and their absence is enough to stave off the feeling blooming inside of me for Joel.

All through the past ten years I've yearned to have my family back, there's been a hole in my heart, a void that has never been filled since outbreak day. A void that hasn't been hurting as much the past couple of weeks. I've always missed Ryan and Lucas, but lately their absence has been a dull ache as opposed to the sharp stabbing I'm used to. I'm not sure what this means, because I know I love and miss them vehemently. But I also know how I feel about Joel.

Unable to stay standing, I lower myself to my knees, burying my face in my hands. My eyes squeeze shut and the tears fall off the ends of my eyelashes. Guilt overtakes me as I remember how on outbreak night Ryan protected Lucas and I to the best of his ability. How he told me he loved me, and that we were going to be alright. If only I had turned that corner first. Why was I the one to survive, but they had to die?

Guilt burns into anger and I blame myself for what happened. If only I had been brave enough to go first, then maybe they would still be on this Earth. I know they could've forged a life for themselves somewhere. Meanwhile I was content being shipped everywhere and ended up being a lowly pill runner. Why couldn't that FEDRA guard have shot the infected two seconds earlier and spared them? It just isn't right.

Sobs strain my throat while I try to stay quiet and I use the sleeve of my button up to wipe my nose. The stars above me shine brightly and I stare at them, stray tears falling down my cheeks. If only they could reach out to me and let me know that wherever they are, that they're together and they're not suffering, that they're not angry at me for feeling this way about Joel.

Ryan and Lucas will never be able to be replaced, they will always occupy a special place in my heart. I know I can never have them back with me physically, yet I know that they are forever with me, tethered to the very fiber of my being. But I feel that my heart is opening up a new spot, and I'm not sure I'll be able to kill whatever is blooming. I'm not sure I want to.

With wide eyes I search the sky for some sort of sign, some indication that my feelings are right or wrong. But my search is cut short when I hear the door of the gas station open. Quickly, I use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face and hope that the darkness of night will conceal my puffy face. As my head turns to face Joel, I can almost swear I see a streak of light in the sky. But by the time I do a double take, whatever I thought I saw, is gone.

"Are you okay?" Joel's voice cautiously asks as he slowly approaches me. The stars are shining so bright tonight that I can see the familiar crease between his brows. His boots crunch softly on the loose pebbles on the pavement and I nod my head, trying to stabilize my breathing.

"I'm okay." My voice betrays me as I speak, it comes out hoarse. Joel comes to my side, and lowers himself next to me, crouching instead of resting on his knees.

"Why don't you come back inside? I'll get the fire started up again." I feel his eyes on me as I stare back at the sky, one last lone tear sliding down my cheek. Joel's words are smooth as honey, calming and soft. A gust of wind blows past us, sending another shiver up my body.

Joel must see the slight quiver as the breeze passes, and he puts an arm around my shoulders, the other under my elbow, and he helps me back to my feet. He keeps his arm gently wrapped around me as we go back to the gas station, and I lean into his touch out of instinct. Before we enter the building, I stop and take one last look at the sky, hopeful to see whatever it was that zoomed past when Joel stepped outside just to confirm what I think it was. But nothing happens.

I step back into the building in front of Joel, who works to get the fire reignited. My body begins to physically calm down from my crying, jagged breaths turn into hiccups. The first one shocks us both, but after the second I think I can almost see a tiny smile on Joel's face. However, when he turns to me after the fire is rebuilt all signs of a smile are gone and is instead replaced with a caring expression. Joel's dark brown eyes are wide and I see how his eyes look over my face, his shoulders aren't tight and rigid, he almost looks relaxed.

He walks over to me and leads me to what I've claimed as my spot for the night, marked by my backpack. Gingerly, he sits me down and crouches by my side once more, moving a rogue strand of hair out of my face that was plastered to my cheek from the tears. His fingers are warm against my face, and he lets them linger there for just a second longer than he needs to. My eyes slowly blink, appreciative of the contact. He licks his lips and his eyes look over my face once more, trying to piece together what's wrong.

"You don't have to tell me why, but I just need to know that you're alright, that you're not hurt." I look into his eyes that are inches from me and I nod with another hiccup jolting through me.

"I'm not hurt." My hoarse voice confirms to him and I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand to dry them fully. I feel that my eyes are puffy, my lips swollen from keeping quiet and I hope I don't look as disheveled as I feel inside.

"Okay." Joel nods and only then does he back away from me. Though I wish he would stay. However, I know that with my uncertain emotions, that it's probably better he that he doesn't. For his sake. He doesn't need to be roped into my personal shit show.

Every few minutes a hiccup interrupts the quiet, and each time I see Joel struggle to keep a smile at bay. I'll admit, they do sound a little ridiculous and if I weren't so upset I'd probably laugh at them too. But as my hiccups calm down, I find myself transfixed by the dancing flames.

Perhaps I needed to come to terms with my reality, accept my losses, and understand how Ryan and Lucas are still a part of me to be okay with something new. And perhaps this something new is for the better. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I know I'm still human enough, capable enough, to keep going.

Twenty Three