#also also i have to be on campus by 11 anyways. so like maybe I should just suck it up | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

elliesbelle · 1 year ago

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nobody compares to you

chapter 11

pairing: ellie x reader

synopsis: you're in your junior year of college and at a party, you run into the girl who broke your heart: ellie williams. despite the time it took to reset your life, will you risk a broken heart again for her?

content warnings: modern college au, cursing, angst, descriptions of alcohol and underage drinking, mentions of homophobic slurs, descriptions of marijuana use, men being creepy in general, drama between exes, descriptions of an anxiety attack, mentions of nausea and vomiting, minors do not interact

word count: 10.2k

chapters: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen

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Freshman Year, Fall

You’d never been to a college party, much less a frat party. The extent of your knowledge was taught by cheesy and likely inaccurate movies where all the characters were all played by 30-year-olds pushing 40. But after the shit show that was your senior year of high school, you were looking forward to celebrating your newfound freedom through underage drinking and close-quartered gyrating.

Your roommate's name was Tara Maclay, a honey-blonde tomboy who wore baggy clothing and had a foul but amusing mouth. Your first few days involved polite conversation and awkward apologies when you’d accidentally invade the other’s personal space. However, after a late night of deep conversation, you’d discovered that you were both lesbians and felt a friendship click almost immediately.

During yet another freshman orientation, this time for your dorm held by your RAs in one of the lounges, you’d both befriended a few other girls who also resided in your building, Wilson Valley. The first you’d met was a girl named Astrid. She was tall, skinny, and had long black & blonde braids that swayed gracefully every time she moved. You couldn’t help but notice the way Tara eyed her, nudging her playfully to break her out of her slack-jawed loser lesbian stupor.

Astrid had greeted you both sweetly and introduced you to a couple more girls she’d already met: Sidney and Rebecca, who happened to live right in the same hall as you and Tara. Astrid mentioned she had a roommate as well, who couldn’t come to the meeting. You vaguely recalled she said her name was Dina.

After your RAs ended the meeting and dismissed the rest of the residents, your newfound group lingered in the lounge. You continued to chat lightly about nonsensical topics like new classes and room assignments and the campus until Rebecca mentioned a party being thrown the next night.

“My roommate Kristen mentioned that this frat is having a ‘Start of the Year’ party or something tomorrow!” She said, settling into one of the ratty couches. “Not sure if you guys would be interested in that, but I thought that would be cool to go to, even just for the experience.”

Tara grimaced before saying, “An excuse for asshole, predatory frat guys to prey on freshman girls?”

“Could maybe still be fun, though,” Astrid mused. “Nice excuse to get fucked up and all.”

“Well, I guess the free booze isn’t so bad.” Tara quickly said, changing her tune instantly. You chuckled quietly at her.

“What’s the frat?” You asked.

“Uhh,” Rebecca pondered for a moment. “I think… Sigma… something? I honestly don’t remember. I’ll ask Kristen later.”

“All of them just sound the same anyway,” Sidney shrugged, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the carpeted floor next to the couch. “I’m totally up for it if you guys go, though. Good way to be social. I don’t really have friends around here just yet.”

You turned towards her.

“We’re all your friends, so you do now.” You said, smiling at her.

Sidney returned your smile with a wide one of her own.

You’d already set out your desired outfit on your bed for the Sigma Eta party when you sat by your desk, applying your makeup. Behind you, Tara was clumsily rummaging through her clothes, cursing under her breath as she kept changing her mind about her party attire.

“What the fuck do you even wear to frat parties, dude?” She said, throwing yet another unfolded, creased shirt into her dresser.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I’ve mostly gone to high school theatre cast parties, and I don’t think those really count as real parties.” You replied, lightly brushing a small spoolie through one of your eyebrows.

“Am I supposed to look fucking nice, or—?”

“Just be yourself!” You jokingly said.

Through your makeup mirror, you saw Tara give you an annoyed grimace in the reflection. You laughed.

“That’s stupid ass advice.” She groaned in frustration.

“Sorry!” You apologized in jest. “I mean, you’re not really there to attract guys. Don’t have to be all dressed up and all if you don’t want to be.”

“You’re getting all dressed the fuck up.” Tara pointed out, motioning towards your outfit on the bed.

“I just like looking nice,” You shrugged. “Just for myself, not really for anyone else. Like I said, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to. Unless there’s someone you’re trying to impress.”

“I mean, I didn’t say that…” She grumbled, almost indiscernible underneath her breath.

“Oh?” You said, momentarily pausing your makeup routine to turn towards her with an eyebrow raised. “Why? Is there a certain someone you wanna look good for?” You inquired.

Tara refused to meet your inquisitive eyes as she fidgeted with another shirt’s buttons between her hands.

“I knew it!” You laughed, pointing the makeup brush you held in your hand towards her. “You like Astrid!”

“No, I fucking do not!” Tara responded defensively.

“You have a crush on Astrid,” You said in a sing-song voice. “You have a crush on Astrid!”

“Shut the fuck up, dude!”

“You think she’s pretty, you want her to have your babies!” You continued to sing, cackling as you turned back to your desk to resume your eye makeup.

“I will physically fight you, you dick!” Tara warned noncommittally.

“Save all those kinky threats for your new girlfriend.” You chuckled as you effortlessly blended two shades of eyeshadow with one another.

“Ugh,” She groaned as she flopped down on her bed. “She’s so fucking straight though. Like, painfully fucking straight. Like, not just heterosexual. Barbie heterosexual.”

“First of all,” You said as you set down the makeup brush in your hand to grab your setting spray. “Barbie is so gay, so that point is useless.”

“Barbie is not fucking gay, man.” Tara argued.

“Barbie is a lesbian with comphet and Ken is her lavender marriage boyfriend,” You disagree, fanning your freshly sprayed face. “Secondly, Astrid is one hundred percent a dyke too.”

“Did you fucking see her, dude?”

“Yes, I did. I have eyes, Tara.”

“Yes, I do too.”

“But not a good enough gaydar though, it looks like.”

“What the fuck!”

“Trust me, Tara,” You said, turning towards her once more to look her straight in the eyes. “There is not a single straight bone in that girl’s body, I guarantee it. If you weren’t so busy checking her out before, you would have noticed it too. Might have even noticed that she was also checking you out.”

“Wait. Hold the fuck up, seriously?” Tara said, perking up for a second before suddenly looking nervous.

“Dude, this is no time to be a fucking pussy! She’s really pretty and seems to like you back. Just get to know her tonight!”

“You think she’s pretty?” She asked.

“I mean, yeah, of course. She is gorgeous.” You admit. “But you’re okay, I’m not competition. She’s not my type, trust me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, kind of discovered after my last relationship that I’m more into like, masc and butch lesbians.”

“Oh?” Tara said intriguingly, abandoning her search for appropriate clothing to take a seat on her bed. “How do you mean exactly?”

“Well,” You said, twirling your eyeliner pen in between your fingers as you turned in your chair to face her again. “My ex-girlfriend was a little bit more feminine than masculine. And I mean, I guess I was attracted to her in different kinds of ways, but I think that I was drawn more to her personality than her looks.”

You sighed before continuing.

“Which, obviously, I think is very important, but I also believe that you’ve gotta be physically attracted to who you’re with too, you know? Not in a shallow way or anything. But I don’t think I really ever felt that click with her, even at the start. It was just another unrealistic expectation I had of her that ultimately cemented the end of our relationship.”

Tara hummed in understanding.

“So why masculine lesbians, then? I’m just curious as someone who presents more as masculine but who tends to like more feminine girls.” She asked.

You pondered her question for a few moments, considering your response.

“There’s just… I don’t know, there’s just something so bold and alluring about a woman who completely rejects femininity in every possible way. We’re all expected to fill that role of being gentle and ladylike, and I think it’s just so attractive when a girl openly says ‘fuck you’ to that and presents the way she actually wants to, not the way the rest of the world expects of her. I love it when women are exclusively masculine, almost like they’re showing men how it’s supposed to be done. I think it’s just so hot and charming and sexy.”

“Ooh, so you think I’m sexy and shit?” Tara teases, wiggling her eyebrows at you as you conclude your mini-speech.

“No, you’re way too much of a loser lesbian who can’t even tell the difference between a straight girl and a femme lesbian.”

“Hey, not too fucking much now!” Tara said indignantly.

You laughed loudly before going back to applying your winged eyeliner.

A few moments later, you heard a knock followed by Astrid, Rebecca, and her roommate Kristen after you shouted that your door was unlocked. Kristen, a short and perky girl with her dirty blonde hair up in two long pigtails, introduced herself and said that her friend Mina was also tagging along later on, in addition to two other people she didn’t mention.

It was incredibly amusing to you how red and flustered Tara became as a result of Astrid’s sudden appearance. You even felt a little bit giddy yourself when Astrid graciously offered to help pick out an outfit for Tara to wear for tonight’s party.

It wasn’t long after the three girls arrived that Sidney joined the rest of your group, having done herself up a bit as well in a short, pink dress and pieces of curly hair styled to fall from her space buns. You all enthusiastically complimented her and hyped her up, to which she blushed.

You were the last one to finish getting ready, the rest of your new friends every now and again watching you finish your makeup routine as they all chatted animatedly. They all gawked in awe at the way you’d artistically dolled up your face, Kristen commenting that Michaelangelo couldn’t have painted colours the way you did your eyeshadow (to which you humourously and geekily remark that he was more of a sculptor than a painter). The girls all loudly squealed at how expertly you applied your fake eyelashes within mere seconds, you chuckling to yourself at how easily amused they seemed to be.

As all the girls began to pre-game with a bottle of Bacardi spiced rum Kristen had brought, you threw on the rest of your outfit: a long-sleeved, lacy and see-through white top with a black bra underneath, a black mini-skirt with side pockets, and your favourite knee-high black boots. You joined in the drinking festivities before Astrid checked the time and her messages then suggested you all head out to meet Kristen’s friend Mina and head towards the Sigma Eta party.

You all squeezed into a rickety, old elevator located in the middle of the hallway and headed down to the first floor of your building. As the elevator doors opened up to the lobby, Kristen broke off from the rest of the group when she spotted another girl waiting with two guys by the front doors. Kristen squealed happily and gave her a tight hug before introducing her friend to the rest of you.

Mina was a girl with short kinky blonde hair that reached just above her shoulders. She wore a white halter top with dark blue jeans accompanied by black pumps. To her left was a short, brown-haired guy with a plain, blue button-down and a pair of salmon-coloured shorts; to her right was a tall, dark-haired boy wearing an orange Hawaiian shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.

“Good evening, fellow freshman cuties,” Mina said before gesturing to her hand to her own company, introducing them respectively. “This is Fred, and this is Jesse.”

The two boys smiled and nodded in greeting.

“Mina’s brother actually used to be in the fraternity that’s throwing the party we’re going to tonight before he graduated last year.” Kristen explained to your group.

“Yeah, Fred here is a friend of my brother’s. He was the one who told me about the party.” Mina added.

“Oh, that was really nice of you.” Astrid said, giving Fred a polite smile. He smiled back, not before eyeing her keenly up and down.

“Thought I’d introduce Mina to college life the proper way.” Fred replied cockily, patting Mina hard on the back in a brotherly fashion. Mina rolled her eyes.

“Let’s head out, chicas!” Kristen announced, beckoning your large group towards and out the front doors.

The trip to the Sigma Eta frat house wasn’t very long, but it felt like it to you at the beginning. Tara had broken off from your side when she was able to garner enough courage and nervously converse with Astrid, who was chatting back animatedly while ignoring Fred’s futile attempts to flirt with her. Kristen and Mina were enthusiastically catching up with each other, and Rebecca, who noticed Sidney’s shy and reserved demeanour, began kindly engaging her in a conversation to help her open up and get to know her. This left you to yourself for a while.

You were excited to be branching out socially and making friends, but it was difficult not to feel like you were out of your league in this rather abundant group of acquaintances. Being accustomed to smaller circles of friends and having gone through a recent ordeal with former friends, you weren’t quite sure how to politely insert yourself without seeming like a burden or nuisance.

The other guy Mina had brought along, Jesse, seemed to notice your silent predicament. He was a tall, muscular Asian man who had jet-black hair and kind eyes. You and your friends were approaching a nearby bus stop when he first spoke to you.

“So, this is your first real party, huh?”

You almost jumped, surprised that someone was speaking to you.

“Oh! Umm, yeah,” You responded sheepishly. “Is it really that obvious?”

“A little, but it’s alright,” He chuckled. “I’m Jesse, by the way. What was your name again?”

You smiled meekly as you introduced yourself.

“I’ll be sure to remember that.” He said with a friendly, assuring grin.

You weren’t sure what it was about this guy Jesse, what it was about him that made you like him instinctively. Men generally made you feel uncomfortable, and you almost never had any guy friends. But something in your gut was telling you that he was genuine, someone you could trust.

“So do you go to these kinds of frat parties a lot?” You asked in an attempt to be social.

“Sometimes,” Jesse replied. “Don’t really like this specific frat we’re going to, but I’m supposed to be helping this friend of mine link up with some guy who’ll be there. Do you smoke pot?”

“Why do you ask? Are you a cop?” You joked.

“Oh, absolutely. That is precisely why I am tagging along with a bunch of underage freshmen to a booze-filled shitty, frat party as someone who is also currently underage.” He chuckled.

You smiled at him.

“Yeah, I smoke,” You eventually replied. “I don’t really have a solid plug out here just yet though.”

“Well, my friend is a dealer and the guy we’re meeting up with tonight actually grows nearby, so we’re gonna see if my friend can work with him. She needs to procure some more fresh ‘merchandise’ or whatever.” He said, making air quotes upon saying the word ‘merchandise.’ “If you’re looking for a regular plug, I can introduce you to her later.”

“That’d be perfect, honestly,” You replied. “Don’t know how I’ll be able to get through freshman year of college without the influence of drugs.”

“Trust me, I get it,” Jesse said. “I had to make do with second-rate dealers as a freshman last year ‘cause my old dealer back home is obviously far away. Everyone around here either charges way too much or their shit is completely dry and weak.”

“Damn,” You replied. “But you think your friend’s got better connections?”

“Well, we’re going to see. But she’s real great about finding good strains and shit. Hopefully, things work out tonight.”

“I hope so too. I don’t wanna try and find another dealer out here, and then it turns out they’re creepy or something. And I trust you and your faith in your friend.”

“Yeah?” Jesse said curiously. “That’s very nice of you.”

You shrugged and gave him a warm smile.

The rest of the trip to the Sigma Eta house was much more enjoyable now that you seemed to find a friend in Jesse. You clicked instantly with him: discussing where you were both from, what your majors were, what there was to do around and outside of the campus. He even gave you tips on how to navigate college as a freshman, having gone through it himself already the previous year. It comforted you that this person you’d just met already seemed adamant about looking out for you in a friendly, platonic manner.

As your group walked down the sidewalk that led to multiple houses where other college students resided, you spotted bright, strobing lights coming from a house towards the end of the street. The sounds of loud party music and boisterous chatter grew louder the further down you ventured. You finally came up to a house where several cars were haphazardly and crookedly parked out front and an assortment of other college kids loitered around the porch, most holding red solo cups filled to the brim.

Before you all stepped foot onto the front porch of the house, Astrid suddenly stopped and turned around to face the whole group.

“Hey, can we take a quick pic of all of us attending our first-ever college party? I wanna capture the memory of getting fucked up with my new dorm besties!” She gushed excitedly.

“You know, this actually isn’t my first college party.” Kristen chuckled, but Mina nudged her in the ribs.

“You know what she means, you killjoy. Come on, let’s all take a selfie!”

All the girls gathered together and began to link arms or embrace each other around the waist or drape their arms over each other’s shoulders. You turned towards Jesse, who was texting rapidly on his phone.

“So, selfie time?” You asked him.

“Nah, you guys go ahead. I think I’m gonna go find my friend inside ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’s here already. Plus I don’t wanna get in the way of you and your friends.”

“You’re my friend too,” You asserted boldly. “Come here and get in the picture with us, new friend.”

Jesse flashed you a warm smile and relented without any further argument.

Astrid held up her phone at a 45-degree angle towards the starry, night sky, angling it so she could get the whole group in the frame (except for Fred, whom she made very little effort to include in the picture, him standing at the edge of the group and desperately trying to have his face captured as well). You and Jesse stood right next to each other, and you allowed yourself to put a hand behind his back in an almost half-hug. You let out a partly genuine smile as Astrid said “Cheese!” and snapped a few photos of your group. After she sent the pictures to you and the rest of the girls in a mass group text (which she then promptly named “Wilson Crew ❤️‍🔥” after the dorm you were all living in), you and your new friends finally ventured into the Sigma Eta frat house.

The deafening noise of terrible EDM and the smell of sweat that filled the thick air was almost enough to make you regret coming out. But the rest of your group tittered in anticipation, so you feigned excitement as you all ventured further into the house.

You entered the dining room where a long, wooden table had been turned into a small, makeshift beer-pong court. There were several people gathered around it, whether as spectators or players. You watched as a girl in a ponytail whooped after she effortlessly bounced a ping-pong ball onto the table and into a red solo cup on her opponent’s side. Several bystanders cheered in response as a frat guy on the other side of the table cursed in jest and promptly chugged from the cup.

“Dina!” Astrid mused excitedly, approaching the girl. She gave her a tight hug, which the girl named Dina affectionately returned.

Dina was an incredibly pretty girl with tan skin and black, wavy hair. Beneath thick, dark eyebrows were a pair of beautiful brown eyes that looked extremely warm and welcoming. Being Astrid’s roommate, it’d have been an obvious guess that she was a freshman too like the rest of you. But she exuded this air of boldness and spunk that made it seem like she was a vetted college student. You noticed that several onlookers, mostly men, had been eyeing her shiftily and curiously.

“I thought you said you weren’t coming!” Astrid scolded her playfully.

“Well, I honestly wasn’t, but a friend of mine had been trying to persuade me to come and—” Dina began before breaking off suddenly.

Her eyes had wandered towards your group of friends and fell on Jesse who was standing right next to you. The wide smile on her face faltered as her animated expression turned into one of shocked recognition. You turned towards Jesse who had suddenly gone rigid and stone-faced. You looked back at the girl Dina who blinked back to reality and began to stutter.

“I-I’m g-gonna catch up with you later, okay?” She said to Astrid before making her way towards the back of the house.

“Ah, shit,” You heard Jesse mutter under his breath. “Goddamn it.”

“You know her?” You questioned him.

“That… was my ex-girlfriend Dina. Childhood and high school sweetheart.” He explained.

“Oh, shit.” You uttered.

“Hey, I’m… I’m gonna be right back, okay?” He said to you before quickly heading towards the direction that Dina had gone in.

You watched as he left you behind with your friends who began to gossip amongst themselves curiously about the exchange that had just occurred.

You’d been standing in the kitchen by yourself for the past five minutes, attempting to finish a drink in your hand that you’d reluctantly poured from an orange cooler on the counter. After they’d downed a couple of shots, the rest of the girls had tried to convince you to come to the basement where the dancing was primarily taking place. You declined and said that you needed a minute or two, promising you’d find them later. Though it was still relatively early in the evening, you were already feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You’d been faking plenty of smiles and forcing tight-lipped laughter all night; it was getting more tiring to feign excitement, especially now that the new friend you’d made tonight had not made a reappearance since quickly running after his ex-girlfriend.

Sighing, you refilled your red solo cup with the same unknown alcoholic contents from the cooler. You weren’t particularly enjoying the drink, completely confused as to what it was in the first place, but it was at least giving you something to do. As you continued to sip from your cup, you decided to venture towards the backyard where you figured Jesse had walked off.

Squinting past the darkness illuminated by the moonlight and the strobing lights peeking through the house’s windows, you scanned the numerous figures occupying the grassy lawn. You eventually spotted Jesse’s tall, dark silhouette after a minute or two, seeing that he was in a seemingly heated discussion with the pretty girl Dina. Deciding that this was a lover’s quarrel that you probably shouldn’t get in between, you find your tired, aching feet take you back inside the house.

You felt the temperature change back from brisk chilliness to throbbing heat from the pheromones in the musky air. Unsure of where to go, you walked back to the kitchen where you found a couple pressed up against each other in the spot you previously occupied. You grimaced at their pre-coital positioning and how they seemed to be swallowing each other’s faces before retreating from the room. Having no interest in watching the new round of beer-pong that several people had started again in the dining room, you settled for finding sanctuary elsewhere.

Finding an empty spot on a wall in the living room, you leaned up against it and took a generous sip from your cup. Though you didn’t have high expectations beforehand, the night was still going quite poorly. You cursed yourself silently for not having a sufficient social battery to socialize with your friends at the party nor enough courage to endure your overwhelming surroundings. You were contemplating whether you should rejoin the group after all in their close-quartered gyrating in the basement when you suddenly felt an invisible pull from across the room that called to you and compelled your head to instinctively turn in its direction.

Your eyes simultaneously met a pair of ocean green ones. The sounds of terrible music and overlapping chitchat immediately vanished when you saw her. You watched as her eyes scanned your face just as you scanned hers. The handsome stranger began to look you up and down before the left corner of her lips turned up in a crooked smile. Your cheeks burned in bashfulness and you tore your eyes away from her to stare at the ground and take another sip from your drink.

You felt your throat close up, your breathing hitch, and your entire body going up in flames. It felt as if someone had shot you through the chest with an arrow, aiming for and perfectly hitting where your heart was located. You felt utterly bare and naked in front of all these strangers, suddenly prey to a strange emotion that felt completely foreign to you. It was intoxicating, like you were completely wonderstruck within seconds of being in this stranger’s presence.

When you eventually felt her eyes wander elsewhere, you dared glance at her once more. She was incredibly handsome: her auburn hair partly tied up in a bun, cheeks adorned with freckles as if an angel had hand-painted them itself, broad shoulders that suggested a muscular frame underneath an old, brown motorcycle jacket she was wearing. She was sitting on this ratty old couch, manspreading in the middle as she noncommittally nodded at the people standing beside her. Her slender, long fingers were expertly wrapping a few rolling papers on the table in front of her. As she brought a joint up to her lips to lick it closed, her eyes flicked up once again to look at you. Embarrassed that you were caught shamelessly staring, you quickly focused your gaze in a different direction. From the corner of your eyes, you could see her chuckling.

The girl muttered something to her nearby companions before making her way across the room to you. Your drumming heartbeat echoed each of her steps, getting louder and louder in your chest the closer she got. You didn’t allow yourself to look her way again until she was right in front of you.

“Hey.” She said, voice rough and husky.

“Hi.” You responded, trying not to sound too flustered over this extremely attractive stranger approaching you to engage in conversation.

“You all alone tonight?” She asked.

“Not exactly,” You responded truthfully. “My friends are around here somewhere.”

“Oh?” She said, cocking her head slightly to the side as she crossed her arms.

“Yeah. I think downstairs, humping and gyrating with everyone else.” You joked.

She chuckled.

“Not your type of thing?”

“Not really,” You said. “I wasn’t in the mood tonight to get felt up by some horny frat guy trying to shove his limp-dick boner up against my ass.”

The girl let out a genuine laugh accompanied by a toothy grin.

“You’re funny.” She commented. You returned her smile with one of your own.

“Wanna come sit on the couch?” She asked. “You honestly look like you’re about to collapse at any second.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t really the best idea to wear a really nice pair of high heels to some crappy fraternity party.”

“Well, hey, they look good on you, so not a total loss.”

“Yeah?” You questioned, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” She smirked. “Anyway, come sit with me on this ugly ass couch. I promise I won’t try to shove my dick up your ass or anything.”

“Aww, you’re not? I was going to say yes, but if you’re not gonna shove your dick up my ass...” You teased boldly.

Even under the dim lights of the party, you thought you saw traces of pink appear underneath her freckles as she smiled. You felt your own cheeks burning.

“Come on, pretty girl.” She chuckled, leading you towards the sofa.

She sat back down in the middle but didn’t manspread this time to make room for you to sit comfortably next to her. Her body faced towards your direction, indicating to her companions that she was disinterested in any further conversation with them. Both your hands gripped onto your red solo cup tightly like it was your life-saving anchor. Your body tensed up from being so close to this handsome stranger whose name you didn’t even know yet.

Almost as if she read your mind, she introduced herself.

“I’m Ellie.”

You smiled nervously as you gave her your name.

“So,” She began. “You a freshman too, huh?”

“Yeah,” You hummed. “First ever college party.”

“Oh?” She said, reaching for one of her joints on the table.

“Mhmm,” You respond. “Not really as exciting as people have been making it out to be.”

“What, you’re not impressed by the repulsive smell of jungle juice and shitty trap music and the giant, sweaty orgy going on in the basement?”

“Eww,” You giggled, scrunching up your nose in disgust. “No, I wouldn’t really say that I’m impressed, exactly.”

Ellie chuckled before offering you the joint she was holding.

“You smoke?”

“Yeah, I do. But are you sure? I don’t wanna waste your weed.”

“I never mind smoking out pretty girls for free every now and again.” Ellie shrugged.

You ignored the way your heart fluttered as you placed your cup down and took the joint from her. You ignored the sudden, electric spark when you felt her skin brush against yours. You ignored how her own breathing seemed to hitch at that same moment before she pulled away from you to grab her lighter from a front pocket of her motorcycle jacket.

You placed the joint in between your lips, trying not to think about the fact that Ellie’d just sealed it a minute or two ago with her tongue. Ellie cupped her left hand around the tip while her right hand flicked on the lighter. Your eyes wandered from the budding flame to her eyes, which were already watching you. Her stare caught you off-guard that you almost forgot to inhale. You leaned away from her, both to blow the smoke in a different direction and to nervously catch your breath from how intimately close she was to you.

“So?” She inquired, reclining back and throwing her arm behind you on the back of the couch.

“Mm?” You hummed in question as you took another puff of the joint.

“How do you like the j?”

“Hmm,” You say after releasing another breath of smoke. “It’s… fine.”

“Just fine?” She asked, looking playfully offended.

“What!” You said, giggling and handing her back the joint. “It’s just a regular, old j! What else would you like me to say?”

“What, do you smoke some fancy ass weed with gold and diamonds and shit where you’re from?” Ellie chuckled.

“Sorry! I guess I’m just used to something very particular.”

“Oh, yeah?” She asked, cocking up an eyebrow, the one that you’d noticed had a slit right through it. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

“I usually lace my own js with lavender buds,” You explained. “Makes it taste better, in my opinion, and it helps me relax.”

“Really? Lavender, huh? I’ve never heard of someone doing that before.”

“A little trick I learned from an ex-girlfriend.” You clarified, pretending that you didn’t throw in that last word on purpose.

“That so?” She replied. You could have sworn that she had moved slightly closer the moment you mentioned having an ex-girlfriend.

“Mhmm. Lavender’s my favourite, but I’ve tried lacing them with other herbs and plants too.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I’ve done rose petals and passionflowers before. Gives them a much better flavour. Sage is good too if you wanna destress and all. And apparently, hibiscus and jasmine are, well…” Your sentence is cut short by a slightly drunken giggle emerging from your lips.

“Are what?” Ellie prompted you.

“Umm, they’re good too.”

“Good for what, exactly?”

You handed the joint back to her before responding.

“I heard that they’re supposedly good aphrodisiacs.” You nearly whispered.

Ellie smiled slyly, taking the joint back without breaking eye contact.

“Interesting” is all she says before taking a huge puff.

Whether it was the mysterious alcohol finally kicking in or the sudden presence of marijuana in your system, you felt a surge of sudden confidence flood your senses. You wanted to impress this strange girl, you wanted her to like you. And yet somehow, it feels almost as if you’d already met before.

“By the way,” Ellie began. “I really love your eye makeup. You did it yourself?”

“Thanks,” You smiled. “Yeah, I did.”

“That’s seriously fucking impressive. I’ve never been into makeup and girly shit like that, but I know it must take a fuck ton of talent to do it.”

“Nah,” You waved off before picking up your red solo cup from the table and drinking from it. “It’s really not that hard to learn. I taught myself how to do it for the most part.”

“That’s even more fucking impressive.” She stated simply. You gave her a sheepish smile before uttering another quiet thanks.

Before either of you could speak again, the guy leaning against the arm of the couch next to Ellie turned towards her.

“Yo, Williams, Chang here yet?” He asked.

“Really don’t know, man. He said he would be.”

“Damn. Call him or something.”

“Call him yourself. I’m not his mother.”

The guy tsked in irritation before returning to a conversation with his companions.

“Nice friends you got there.” You said out loud without thinking.

“We just got a mutual friend in common, that’s all,” Ellie replied, shrugging and taking another puff. “My best friend knows like, half the people who go to this school.”

You nodded in acknowledgement as she continued.

“Most people are usually disappointed that I’m not as nice as him.”

“You’re not?”

“Nah, apparently I’m ‘antagonistic’ and ‘mean’ and just really fucking rude.” She chuckled.

“Doesn’t seem like that to me.” You commented.

“Well, we just met,” She smirked. “Just wait a little while.”

“What, are you planning on being really mean to me in the future, Ellie?” You quipped.

She shrugged and you chuckled.

Both immensely absorbed in your engaging and private conversation, you weren’t quite sure exactly how long you and Ellie were sitting in that dirty living room on that ratty, old couch. You talked about the classes and professors you had in common, bonded over your shared love of music and the instruments you both played, laughed at all of the dumb and silly jokes she made.

At one point in the night, Tara emerged from the basement, all buzzed and sweaty. She scanned the living room, having been worried that she nor none of the rest of your friends had seen you since you’d all first arrived at the house. Upon spotting you sitting so intimately to Ellie, her whispering something in your ear and you boisterously laughing, Tara smiled and retreated back to the basement.

Ellie was beginning to tell you about her hometown when your conversation was suddenly interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Hey, yo, El!” You heard Jesse say from behind you.

You turned around to see a jovial expression on his face that didn’t quite meet his serious eyes. He was smiling in greeting, but it seemed like whatever occurred in the private conversation he had with the girl Dina rattled him in some way.

“Yo, Jess,” Ellie said, waving him over. “Been wondering where the fuck your ass has been this whole time, man.”

“Ahh, well, I kind of… got detained by D…” He admitted as he approached the couch before spotting you sitting next to Ellie. “Oh, shit! You guys know each other?”

“What, you don’t know that we’re lifelong best friends?” Ellie said, winking at you. You turned away as you bit your lip, attempting to hide the smile on your face and the heat rising to your cheeks.

“Now, hang on, I thought we were lifelong best friends?” Jesse gasped playfully, putting one hand on his hip and gesturing between you and him mockingly.

“Sorry dude, I claimed her already.” Ellie said, smirking.

You tried to ignore Jesse’s mumble of “greedy whore” towards Ellie in between loud, fake coughs.

“Anyway, you saw D? Are you okay?” Ellie said, her tone more serious now.

“I mean, I guess,” Jesse sighed. “Thought she wasn’t tagging along tonight, but I guess she did.”

“Sorry, man, I really thought you knew.”

“It’s cool. I was gonna end up seeing her at some point. Might wanna check up on her, though.”

“She okay?”

“I think so, but you know how she can be.”

“Where’d she run off to know?”

“I think she said that she was gonna go hang out with her roommate or something for the rest of the night.”

“I’ll text her, see where she is.”

“Oh, umm,” You said, awkwardly speaking up. “My friend Astrid is her roommate, so I think your friend Dina went downstairs to the basement.”

Both Ellie and Jesse looked slightly taken aback at your short degree of separation.

“Sorry,” You apologized as you looked down at your hands in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to insert myself.”

“Hey,” Ellie assured, nudging your shoulder with hers. “Didn’t I just say that we’re lifelong best friends?”

You looked up at her and smiled with appreciation at her thoughtfulness.

Ellie, realizing they’d been leaving you out of their conversation, quickly filled in the blanks.

“Our other lifelong best friend Dina got dumped by this asshole joker right here a little while back. It was a bit of a messy break-up.”

“I haven’t always been the smooth and suave man that you see before you today.” Jesse quipped.

“Never have been, dumbass.” Ellie added. Jesse gave her a scowl, which she mockingly returned.

“Anyway,” She continued. “Now I’ve been stuck being the middle man for the past year or so ‘cause these two clowns don’t know how to talk about their motherfucking feelings.”

You chuckled at Ellie’s choice of words.

“I’m sure she’s okay if she’s with your friend, though. This Astrid girl nice?” Ellie inquired.

“Oh, she’s the absolute sweetest.” You affirmed.

“Well, I trust your judgment. I’ll give her some time and check up on her after.” Ellie concluded, giving you a half-smile.

It was so curious how these people you’d known only for a few hours seemed to somehow trust you so intimately and almost blindly. Besides your cousin Rafael who’s known you since birth, you’d never clicked so well with anyone else in your life. You felt a quiet warmth in your chest, feeling as if you had been soulmates with these people in a past life.

“Might as well,” Jesse said, looking down at his buzzing phone. “Eugene’s contact said he’s here. He’s out back if you still wanna talk to him.”

You suddenly felt naive, not realizing sooner that Ellie was the dealer friend Jesse had been talking to you about earlier in the evening. Her previous rolling of papers and multiple joints should have been a dead giveaway, but you were far too mesmerized by Ellie and her charm and her ocean green eyes to give much notice to your current surroundings.

“Ah, shit, I totally forgot,” Ellie cursed.

She looked at you.

“Umm, do you wanna come with? It’ll probably be boring as shit, but—”

“No, no, it’s okay,” You said, waving her off. “It sounds pretty important. Jesse was telling me earlier that you needed to meet up with him.”

Ellie turned towards him, an annoyed look on her face.

“Now, why are you going around telling my business to everyone?” She asked him.

“It’s fun.” Jesse joked. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“If, uh, you wanna stick around, this probably won’t take long. I’ll see you after?” She said guiltily. You gave her a soft smile.

“Ellie, please go ahead. I’m a big girl; I can be left alone for two seconds.”

She chuckled at your words as she stood up from her seat next to you, not before brushing her hand and her knee against yours. You wondered silently if she did so by accident.

“See you in a bit, pretty girl.” Ellie said, winking at you.

You watched as she and Jesse walked off towards the backyard of the house. Once they were out of sight, you sighed quietly.

You realized that you were all alone tonight once again, this time through no fault of your own. Not knowing what else to do, you leaned back into the sagging sofa and pulled out your phone from a pocket of your skirt. As you waited for your companions to return, you scrolled mindlessly through different social media outlets for a while until your entertainment was exhausted and eventually settled on Instagram. After a couple of minutes of looking through your friends’ stories and posts, sending likes and comments every now and again, you see something that suddenly makes your stomach drop.

Still not fully over the results of the disastrous break-up with your high school ex-girlfriend, you hadn’t unfollowed or blocked her on social media just yet. You realized in the moment what a grave mistake that was when you came across a post with several photos of her and all your former friends at some party with a couple of unknown people included. Hot tears formed in your eyes when, while swiping through the many images, you encountered one picture with your ex-girlfriend’s arms wrapped around a strange girl you didn’t recognize. Their physical intimacy and stances suggested something more than just friendship.

You suddenly felt the urge to throw up and you immediately rose from your seat in search of a nearby bathroom. Eventually, you came across a small one towards the front of the house and wrenched it open, feeling lucky that it was presently unoccupied. Leaning over the grimy sink, the feeling of nausea subdued from what you figured was a result of separating yourself from the overstimulation of the party. Still, your hands and neck felt clammy. You felt as if you couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard you inhaled and exhaled.

You raised your head up to look at yourself in the murky mirror. Thick tears threatened to fall from the corners of your eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to your forehead with nervous sweat. Lips were trembling and shakingly releasing laboured breaths.

Leaving your past behind was not as simple as you believed it could be. The past several months had been a personal hell for you, having been abandoned to be lonely and companionless by people you loved. After a messy break-up with someone who suddenly broke your heart, a result of two young, dumb kids attempting to be much more mature than they actually were, your entire friend group ended up choosing her in the aftermath. It left you completely grief-stricken and betrayed, not expecting the people you believed cared for you to cast you aside so quickly and easily.

You’d spent the entire summer after graduating high school healing and recovering from such a loss, and you’d genuinely believed that you came to your new school fully mended. But as you stood in front of a fogged-up mirror in a dingy frat house bathroom, it seemed as if you hadn’t fully overcome your emotional wounds like you thought.

You were dabbing the soggy sweat off your moist forehead when someone suddenly knocked on the bathroom door, causing you to jump.

“Oh, umm, someone’s in here!” You quickly exclaimed. The sound of the same voice you’d been listening to all evening calling out your name from behind the door had you grip the edges of the sink and freeze in place.

“Y-yeah?” You asked falteringly.

“Hey, uhh, i-it’s Ellie.”

“Oh!” You said in surprise. “Hi! Umm, I-I’ll be out in a minute!”

“Hey, uhh, are you okay?” Ellie said after a beat or two.

“Y-yeah, I’m fine!” You cried out unconvincingly.

“Can… can I come in?” She asked hesitantly.

“Oh! Umm—”

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to! If you need space—”

“No, no!” You interrupted.

You took a deep breath, threw out the damp tissue you still held in your hand, and carefully opened the door to reveal Ellie with a concerned look on her face.

“It’s a bit of a tight fit, but, uhh…” You said, stepping aside to let her in.

You backed up to make space for her and sat on the edge of the shabby-looking tub as Ellie closed the bathroom door behind her before leaning her back against it.

“How’d you know where to find me?” You inquired.

“Someone saw you come in here.” She explained.

“Oh” was all you could say in return.

There were several moments of complete silence, neither of you knowing how to start or what to say. It was you who eventually broke it out of nervousness.

“So, umm, how did it go with that guy you were talking to?” You asked awkwardly.

“Oh, uhh, good. At least, I think so. Gave me a pretty good deal and all.” Ellie replied.

You nodded in response.

“So, hey, uhh, if you need a new plug out here…” She pointed a pair of finger guns at you, to which you half-heartedly chuckled.

“Sorry,” She apologized. “I’m not really as smooth as I would like to think.”

“Don’t worry, I still think you’re plenty charming. Dorky, but charming.” You gave her a soft, affectionate smile that she returned as you saw her turn slightly pink underneath her numerous freckles.

“So, uhh, are you okay? I don’t mean to pry or anything, and you don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to—” She began to ramble.

“Ellie,” You said, chuckling. “It’s alright. I don’t mind, and you’re not prying.”

She let out a quiet sigh of relief.

“Just a bunch of bullshit in regards to my ex,” You explained. “Thought I was past it all, but…”

Ellie nodded in understanding.

“Still not over her?”

“Oh, god, no, no, I’m completely over her,” You clarified quickly. “But dealing with the outcome of it all… isn’t necessarily fun.”

“Yeah,” Ellie agreed. “I completely get it.”

You looked up at her with an expression of gratitude.

“Man, this lesbian shit is real fucking messy and complicated, huh?” She quipped in an attempt to lighten the mood. You couldn’t help but giggle at her joke.

“How’d you know that I wasn’t okay?” You asked her after a beat or two.

“The people I was with earlier said that the pretty girl I was talking to suddenly looked stressed and ran to the bathroom.” Ellie explained, shrugging. You attempted to hide your bashful smile as you felt your cheeks go hot again.

“Wanna get out of this disgusting bathroom and go smoke some more?” She asked.

You and Ellie were passing another joint back and forth again several feet away from the Sigma Eta frat house. You’d both taken shelter underneath a nearby tree, listening to the muffled bass drops of yet another bad EDM song currently playing from the frat house. The weed was calming your nerves down slightly, but you had a gut feeling that it was Ellie’s presence that was the actual cause of your peace of mind.

“Damn, I really wanna try your lavender-laced trick now.” Ellie said after taking a hit of the joint.

“I mean, it’s not really my trick. It was my ex’s idea.” You chuckled dryly as you watched her blow the smoke up towards the night sky.

“Oh, fuck that shit. I don’t know her and I know you, so it’s your recipe.” She disagreed. You laughed graciously at her argument.

“Can I ask what happened?” Ellie began, handing the joint to you. “Like, did the bitch suddenly call or text you, or…”

“Nah,” You said after a puff. “She posted something on Instagram and, I don’t know, I guess seeing evidence of her existence triggered something in me.”

“Wait, you don’t have her blocked?”

“No…” You admitted sheepishly. “I still follow her and everything…”

“What!!” Ellie exclaimed. “Why?!”

“I don’t know!” You laughed at her immediate indignation. “I just could never get myself to actually do it!”

“Alright, no more free weed for you!” Ellie proclaimed, swiftly snatching the joint out of your fingertips.

“Noooo!” You whined.

“You’re on a time-out for still keeping your stupid ex-girlfriend in your life in some kind of way!”

“Look, I like to lurk sometimes! I can’t do that if I have her blocked!” You protested, attempting to take the joint back from her.

“Oh, now you’re definitely not getting any more free weed!” Ellie said, holding the joint up and away from your reach.

“How else am I supposed to be a miserable, pathetic lesbian who needs to be sad and tragic if you don’t let me!!” You said, giving up and crossing your arms over your chest in a huff.

“Pretty girls like you should be spending their freshman year in college in their drunken whore eras, not in an ‘I’m gonna sulk over my worthless ex the whole time’ era!”

“Ugh. Yeah, I know, I know,” You sighed. “But that all sounds like so much work!”

“Alright, give me your phone.” Ellie said suddenly.

“What?” You asked, surprised. “Why?”

“Just give me!” She insisted, holding her free hand out.

You pulled out your phone from one of your skirt’s pockets and handed it over to her, eyeing her suspiciously.

“What are you up to, Ellie?” You inquired of her.

“Just hold this!” She replied, handing you the joint. “But no smoking!”

“Yes, sir!” You said with a salute before taking a quick puff.

Ellie rolled her eyes, chuckled, and had you unlock your phone before taking it back to open up your Instagram.

“Okay, what’s your ex’s name?”

“... why?” You asked skeptically.

“Just trust me!”

You squinted your eyes at her before reluctantly giving her your ex’s name and Instagram handle. As you took a generous hit of the joint, you leaned over and watched as Ellie went to your ex’s profile and blocked her.

“Ellie!!” You protested.

“This is for your own good!” She exclaimed.

“Oh god,” You laughed. “Yeah, yeah, maybe.”

“Definitely.” She asserted before typing another handle into your Instagram search bar.

“What are you doing now?” You asked dubiously.

“Replacing your ex with a hotter, much cooler person.” She explained simply before handing your phone back and taking the joint out of your hand.

You looked at your screen to see Ellie’s Instagram profile and realized she’d followed herself through your account.

“Wow. Dinosaur nerd, huh?” You said, noticing one of her posts was of her posing geekily next to a dinosaur skeleton display in some museum.

“Shut up.” She chuckled before hitting the joint.

“Well, are you gonna follow me back?” You asked.

“I don’t know, I don’t really know you that well.” Ellie shrugged.

“You dick!” You scoffed, to which she laughed. “What happened to us being lifelong best friends?”

“Calm down, calm down,” She chuckled, holding the joint between her teeth and already pulling out her phone. “Bossy.”

You felt your phone buzz with a new notification from Instagram.

“There you go,” She said, putting her phone back in her pocket. “Now we’re official lifelong besties.”

You laughed. Your affection for this incredibly handsome and charming girl that you had just met tonight was growing more and more by the second. Every time she laughed at a joke you’d make or stared at your lips a little too long or brushed her skin against yours, you wondered if you were imagining it or if she had been feeling the same spark too.

“Hey, umm,” You began. “Thank you for that.”

“Don’t have to thank me. I’m sure you would have done it eventually. At least, I hope so.” She chuckled at the last part.

“Oh, I don’t know. I honestly hold on to shit like that forever. I would have probably stayed following her ‘til I was I was fifty.”

Ellie laughed.

For the next few minutes, you told her all about the sorry tale of the break-up between you and your ex. As you and Ellie went through and finished yet another joint, she listened to you intently while she leaned against the tree you’d been standing next to. She didn’t interrupt you, aside from an occasional supportive comment or two, intent on letting you rant your pent-up frustrations out.

You hadn’t opened up to anyone else about this, apart from your cousin Rafael. It felt like you had nobody else left to trust your heart with. And yet, there was something so different and familiar about Ellie that made you feel so at home, so comfortable confiding such intimate thoughts and experiences. She happily entertained you as you confessed to her the way you’d never done before with anyone else, her face looking so sympathetic and gentle as she watched you ramble.

“Oh my fucking god,” You eventually said after a while. “I can’t believe I’ve been babbling nonstop about my bullshit, I am so sorry, I—”

You buried your face in your hands in embarrassment.

“Hey, no, no,” Ellie interrupted, pulling your hands away from your face. “None of that. Don’t apologize, please. It’s shit that you obviously have needed to get off your chest for a long time now. I don’t mind listening at all.”

“Okay, but I’m a total stranger who just trauma dumped on you like a dumbass—”

“Alright, no, you are not a dumbass,” Ellie insisted. “And lifelong best friends, remember?”

She gave you a soft smile and began to rub her thumbs against your palms, her warm touch making you tremble.

“Oh, hey, you’re shivering, here.” Ellie said, taking off her motorcycle jacket and placing it around your shoulders.

“Oh,” You said, “T-thanks, Ellie.”

“Looks really good on you.” She commented, smiling. You felt your cheeks go hot again.

“It-it’s very nice.” You said.

“Yeah, it’s my dad’s old jacket. He gave it to me when I was around 14. He used to be a delinquent and was part of some gang or something when he was younger. Rode motorcycles a lot or some shit like that. I’ll tell you more about it one of these days.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ellie seemed to realize how close she was to your face and how intimately she was holding you. A little sheepish, she walked back a few steps to lean against the tree. She crossed her arms against her chest and, her arms now uncovered, you noticed a large tattoo covering her right forearm.

“I like your tattoo,” You commented. “What is it?”

“Oh,” She said, glancing down at her arm. “It’s a moth with some ferns around it.”

“It’s absolutely gorgeous.”

“Thanks. My ex-girlfriend did the tattoo itself, but I created the design.”

“Woah, really?”

“Yeah.” Ellie said, chuckling at your admiration.

“I know you were telling me earlier that you like to draw, but that really is something.”

“It is?” Ellie replied. You could see her blushing even under the dim glow of the moonlight.

“You’re really talented, Ellie.”

“Nah. I mean, my ex-girlfriend Cat, she did a lot of work making it look better and shit.”

“Still, it’s very impressive.” You insisted. “Do you think— Can I…?”

You extended a hesitant hand out towards her tattooed arm. She smiled warmly as she offered it to you.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

You lifted your outreached hand to trace your fingertips across the multiple leaves decorating her skin. You stared at the intricate design of the Death’s-head hawkmoth that was perched atop the ferns.

“It really suits you.” You said.

“You think so?”

“I do.”

As you continued to stroke Ellie’s tattoo, you felt electricity once again run between you two. You looked up at her to see her ocean green eyes staring at you. You’d never seen anyone look at you that way, not even your ex-girlfriend. You tried to decipher her expression when the moment was suddenly interrupted by your name being called coming from the direction of the frat house.

“There you are!” Tara exclaimed, half-jogging towards you.

“Oh, hey, Tara.” You greeted her, pulling your hands away from Ellie.

“Been looking for you everywhere.” Tara said.

“Sorry, the party was getting a little too much for me. Needed a breather.” You apologized before gesturing towards your companion. “This is Ellie, by the way. She’s Jesse’s roommate.”

“Oh, hey, nice to meet you, man.” Tara said, nodding towards her in greeting. Ellie replied with a nod of her own.

“This is Tara, my roommate.” You gestured to Tara this time.

“Nice to meet you too, dude.” Ellie repeated back to her.

“So, uhh,” Tara began. “Half the group is completely wasted, and Astrid really wants to get rid of that guy Fred who has not stopped trying to grope her all night.”

“Oh, gross. Is she alright?”

“Yeah, she’s okay. But we’re gonna order an Uber and we’re about to head home in a sec. Did you wanna come with or…”

“Oh, umm…” You turned towards Ellie.

“Go on,” Ellie replied, smiling. “I think I’m gonna go find my friend Dina.”

“I’m gonna go gather up the girls.” Tara said, pointing a thumb towards the house. “Nice to meet you again!”

“You too, man.” Ellie said as you both watched Tara walk off.

“Go ahead,” Ellie said, head motioning after Tara. “Go help your friends.”

“Are-are you sure?” You said hesitantly.

“Here, give me your phone again.” She said, holding her hand out. This time, you didn’t hesitate and unlocked it before handing it to her.

You watched as Ellie quickly typed for a few moments before placing it back in your hand. Glancing at the screen, you saw that she’d texted a new contact she’d named “Ellie 😛” with the message “hey sexy” accompanied by a winking emoji.

“Oh my god, you’re annoying.” You said, laughing.

“What, you don’t think I’m sexy?” She replied, grinning.

“Goodbye, Ellie.” You chuckled, walking away a couple of steps before suddenly stopping in your tracks.

“Oh, wait, your jacket—” You said, beginning to shrug off her old motorcycle jacket.

“No, go ahead and keep it.” She interrupted, securing it back onto your shoulders.

“Are you sure?” You asked.

“Gives you a good excuse to see my sexy ass later.” She smirked.

“Shut up,” You said, unable to hide a smile. “You are so annoying.”

“You love it.” She said, smirking once more.

As she adjusted the jacket onto you, you realized just how close she was again. You stared at her and she stared right back. There was a moment or two when you gazed into each other’s eyes, neither saying anything. You felt heat increasingly rising to your face when she suddenly brushed a piece of hair from your forehead.

You found yourself completely unwilling to leave this bubble that enclosed only you and Ellie. It was extraordinary how intimately absorbed you felt in this person you’d only seen for the first time today, how enchanted you felt by merely being in her presence. In just a few hours, she filled your mind completely with thoughts of her and only her. You prayed that this wasn’t a chance meeting but the beginning of something life-changing.

The moment was once again interrupted, this time by Jesse.

“Dude, I was—” Jesse began, but upon seeing what he’d walked in on, his sentence faltered. “Oh, shit, sorry—”

“It’s okay, Jesse,” You assured. “I gotta go, anyway.”

You turned back towards Ellie.

“I’ll, umm, see you soon?” You asked nervously.

“I hope so.” She replied, smiling softly.

You began to walk back towards the house, giving a quick goodbye to Jesse. Once you reached the front porch and before you walked through the door, you turned back to where Ellie and Jesse were standing beneath the tree.

You lifted your hand and waved at Ellie, which she returned with her own soft wave. The look on her face looked completely dazed and awestruck. You bit your lip in nervous anticipation, looking into her ocean green eyes one more time before walking into the house.

After a beat or two, Jesse finally spoke.

“Is she wearing Joel’s old jacket?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jesse.”

author's notes:

i can’t believe this is finally out!! sorry for taking so long to update this, but hopefully how long this is will make up for the time ♡︎

the "barbie heterosexual" line is a reference to a line from the iconique movie "imagine me and you" :)

reader's little spiel to tara about her dating preference is just another little love letter of mine towards masc/butch/stud lesbians. just love y'all so much, you deserve the world.

fred is named after another jackson resident in the actual game (as i've probably mentioned before, all the character names in this fic are purposeful: either named after actual characters or named after people irl). i thought it was a silly little reference for him to go after astrid cause in the games, he's barely mentioned except at one point when it's seen he was paired up with astrid for patrol at one point. i enjoy my little easter eggs :)

the descriptions of most of reader’s friends are slightly based on the physical appearances of some of my irl friends :)

i’ve discovered that i really love making these flashback chapters hehe

like i said, i’m so sorry for taking forever to update this!! my life has been an absolute shit show lately (if you’ve been keeping up with my personal ramblings on here, you know by now lol). but the next few chapters have been basically mapped out already, so hopefully it won’t take me that long to update this with the next chapter ♡︎

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#nobody compares to you series #ellie williams #dealer!ellie #ellie x reader #ellie x you #ellie x y/n #the last of us #tlou #the last of us part 2 #tlou2 #ellie fanfiction #belle speaks #belle writes

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asylumseriesdaily · 5 months ago

Text

Forgot to update yesterday

(Asylum, Chapter 2)

Look, life's been a mess, okay? Anyway let's get into it.

(Spoilers not just for this chapter but also, like, the entire second book)

CHAPTER 2

Right off the bat we get a reminder that Apple products were not always in vogue. Nice. When did this book come out? 2013? That was only 11 years ago! How things have changed.

Also Dan worshipping nerdism like a cult. That's the only explanation. There's no way everyone on this campus is so pretentious that the more books you have the cooler you are.

The NHCP vs. New Hampshire College Prep detail is... really weird. This strikes me as an odd thing to specify. Like no shit, Dan, they looked at you a little funny for saying the whole thing instead of abbreviating. I would too. I am beginning to think Dan is a slightly unreliable narrator.

Wasn't this place originally built as a mental institute? Was it just fancy as fuck or are you telling me that they added the chandelier and wood panelling while converting this thing into college dorms? The fuck? Also wasn't Brookline built in the '50s? The architecture is suspicious as hell.

Why is Brookline built like a hotel? I'm no expert but this isn't adding up. Dan. Dan I think they lied to you about what Brookline was. Get out of there. This is scarier to me than the actual horror.

Love how much Dan points out his roommate's organizational habits. Can't wait for the part where he starts getting overtly ableist. Yippee... (not yippee)

Dan, it's not a hotel. There's not going to be a Gideons Bible in your room. And anyway, those go in the bottom of your bedside table, not the top drawer of your desk.

Now we get into something interesting: the photo.

We get to see this photo, actually, which is good because Dan's description doesn't quite do it justice.

The way that the eyes are scratched out feels a lot more realistic than how most media would do it. Someone really just took a pencil and pressed down as hard as they could and scribbled out the eyes one at a time. There's even rips where they pressed down too hard.

This guy looks really young, right? I can't get the pic up right now but he looks really young. He looks like a kid with resting bitch face playing at being grown up. It's... oddly fitting. Dan is young. Daniel was young (if memory serves, this IS Daniel, right?) when he started doing fucked up shit to people. He was a kid. He played at being grown up from a really young age because he wanted power, he wanted respect, he wanted to be in charge. This is exactly what I'd want Daniel Crawford to look like: like a child taking himself too seriously. Forcing himself to be an adult. Or maybe I'm reading too deep into it. Anyway this had disastrous consequences. Both Daniel's actions on his victims and this not-really-a-revelation on my psyche. Okay goodnight.

#asylum chapter 2 #liveblogging #asylum madeleine roux #asylum series #asylum #horror #bookblr #livereading #live read #book analysis

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lazulisong · 1 year ago

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i guess i should clarify the surgery timeline a bit (and also link the amazon list haha)

Nov 9 is the in person appointment with my surgeon, where i will get to ask fun questions about Pain Management and Weight Restrictions and answer even more fun questions about How I Want to Look (rn those answers are: idgaf as long as these fucking glands are off and that the idea of having cut and paste nipples causes me acute revulsion)! i'm taking the day off despite working at the same campus as the surgeons office because i will probably be taking the full amount of xanax im prescribed in the morning.

Nov 27 is the pre op appointment which will be over the phone with one of the PAs.

My leave starts as of Dec 8; i will return to work on Jan 2

sharon arrives dec 10, ??? i somehow get myself over to the rental which may involve sharon picking me up as she goes from the airport. (also i get groceries delivered to the rental because there is no way i'm going to the store when i expect to be wound up anyway)

if i don't have to go haring all over Portland for medications on Dec 11 (i'm going to campaign hard for getting them released on Friday since the pharmacy i go to is also on this campus), sharon and i will drive down south to pick up Mom and see the dog.

dec 12 at 8:30 i check in at the hospital (ALSO on the same campus and the one where amy had brain surgery) and juli arrives to be emotional support / be contact point for friends

surgery is scheduled for 10:30 and i should be out of the OR by 2:30 so i expect to be back to the rental by 3:30 or 4:00.

Mom stays until i'm off the good pills and can stay by myself, sharon drives her back (im not driving two hours with drains in, thanks)

dec 18 i have my first post op, and on dec 26 i will have the last one except presumably any follow ups i get scheduled later.

i might go south after my second post op but i have been repeatedly, reliably assured that i can expect an acute stage of depression d/t you know, being knocked unconscious, carved up, and then having drains for a week so that's going to be a big "i'll let you know the week before, mom"

i've been blessed with an amazing amount of support but if you would like to contribute i'm about 500$ shy of my overall goal of $4000:

and i also have an amazon list of assorted necessities and comforts:

but i also really need a lot of good thoughts because wow my anxiety is through the roof. and maybe some kindle unlimited suggestions for while im on painkillers.

thank you for your support!

#meg what is your problem #top surgery adventures #also i had a protein shake this morning with my pills #and i regret to inform u that boo boo the fool over here #should have also gotten a bagel

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smoments · 11 months ago

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✧ part 11: memories of a stranger // a satosugu reincarnation au

chapter 11: one single thread of gold

“Yes, and I think I should have received this point as well…”

Shoko generally excels at keeping her emotions out of academic situations, primarily because she doesn’t actually care much about school. She works hard, sure, but sometimes, when she’s sitting in class and listening to her third professor that day drone on and on about neuroanatomy and its various perspectives and all the too-complicated labels for every little nuance of what should really just be collectively gathered into the brain, she thinks that she wouldn’t be particularly upset if her school spontaneously combusted, preferably with her inside it. If not the entire school (this, after all, would be asking for a lot), then just her classroom would more than suffice. Unfortunately, the remaining fragment of self-preservation she possesses prevents her from advocating for such a thing, and perhaps also her morals (if slightly less so).

Even so, morals are currently taking a backseat to the annoyance bubbling up inside her at the insufferability of her teacher. Actually, maybe it isn’t the teacher’s fault, but she has better things to do than argue for a few points on a test, even if her grade is hanging on for dear life.

God, it was stressful dealing with idiots.

After successfully debating (arguing) her way into a better grade, Shoko gets Satoru’s text on her way to her community service club - this is unfortunately located across campus and consists of less community service and more socializing while discussing the importance of community service, the latter of which suits her just fine - and wrinkles her nose in confusion.

“Wouldn’t him fumbling be bad enough without the additional beating?” She mutters dryly, wondering who Satoru thinks he’s fooling with the world platonic. How do you platonically fumble someone?

dw you won’t.

Shoko pauses, unsure as to whether she’s giving him too much credit, and decides to throw in something to cushion her fall in case Satoru does screw things up and then tries to blame it on her.

probably. idk tho

She tilts her head curiously when a call from Utahime comes in, stepping aside to answer and nearly bumping into four different people. Campus is rather crowded at this time of day, even with her slight holdup after class - of course, Satoru was lucky enough to be off all afternoon. Hopefully he’s making the most of their time together, especially because she’s pretty sure Suguru did have somewhere to be today.

“Shoko! A… friend and I booked appointments at this spa nearby, but they cancelled on me last minute, and it’s a nonrefundable reservation!”

“Oh? Who?”

“...my friend! You don’t know them.”

Shoko stifles a giggle. Utahime has always been a subpar liar.

“You don’t have any other friends. Unless you asked one of the guys to go to a spa with you? I’m sure Nanami would very much appreciate it.”

“Ugh, Shoko, you sound just like them right now! Don’t do this. Just meet me there in an hour.”

“Fine. But I’m paying you back. And you know, if you’d just asked me, I would’ve come along peacefully.”

“Like hell you would’ve! Anyways, hurry up and- Ahh! They have mini jade rollers, Shoko! How cute!”

On second thought, Shoko hadn’t really wanted to go to her club anyway.

Besides, her being in a good mood is practically community service all on its own.

Satoru shifts slightly from where he’s lounging on the couch, wondering vaguely what’s taking Suguru so long in the bathroom. He wouldn’t blame him if he’d grown tired after hours of stagnancy; sitting in one spot for so long took quite the mental toll on a person, which was a concept that the school system did not seem to understand.

He knows that he, for one, is completely exhausted. His scant few hours of sleep is finally catching up to him, and though it’s nearly time for lunch by now - his mind travels to potential meal ideas when he realizes this, and he wrinkles his nose at the idea of trying to scrape something edible together from the few items he currently has in his fridge - he wants nothing more than to sprawl out on his admittedly average bed and have a good, long sleep to make up for his early rising.

But he doesn’t let himself entertain this idea for too long, since he doesn’t want to waste any time with Suguru in his dorm.

That sounds bad. His intentions are innocent, though!

Regardless, if Suguru really is taking a breather in the bathroom, he feels a pang of guilt at the idea that he wouldn’t have thought to simply ask him for a break. Surely he knows that Satoru wouldn’t care! Does he really think him that insensitive? He might be rude sometimes, but he’s not heartless.

When did Satoru start worrying so much about what other people did or thought, anyway? Wasn’t he the type to take everything in stride, letting everyone else act freely in the hopes that they’d step back and allow him to do the same?

He grumbles as his eyelids grow heavy and he rolls over once again, his cheek pressing into the plush cushion that rests beneath his skin.

Has his couch always been this comfortable?

He’s sure it hasn’t. Isn’t. But he feels so warm suddenly, a sense of comfort encircling him like a down blanket. He’s barely hanging on to consciousness, haven given up fighting sleep and instead letting it brush over his eyelids, easing them shut.

It won’t be for long; just a couple minutes of rest, and then he’ll be full of renewed energy that he’ll be able to throw into his art.

He’s a light enough sleeper that any movement will probably awaken him, anyways.

And Suguru might still be a while.

This is the last coherent thought that Satoru recalls putting together before he slips fully into unconsciousness.

He wishes it had ended there. Unconsciousness was not such an unpleasant place to exist. It turned out that dreams could be far, far worse.

He’d thought he was over it.

He’d thought that horribly gut-wrenching dream from last night was finished and done with, that he would never have to recall its exact occurrences in such a high level of detail again. He didn’t imagine for a second when he shut his eyes that it would all come back to him while he was in his most vulnerable state, or he would have forced himself to stay awake until it killed him.

The last thing Satoru expects to see when he finally tears himself from sleep is Suguru standing over him, something like worry creasing the smooth surface of his face. He’s still mid-panic, still in a state of attempting to gather his bearings. Horror seizes him as he zeroes in on a specific detail that would have been minute at any other time, in any other place.

It’s Suguru’s long, dark hair - down around his shoulders.

Down like it was when Satoru killed him.

And is Suguru’s silhouette swimming in his vision now, or is he just imagining it? Is the red armchair directly behind him blending into Suguru’s face and painting half of it bloody, or are his eyes playing tricks on him? That look on his face- does he suddenly appear so incredibly hurt, like Satoru has somehow wounded him beyond belief without meaning to, or is it just him? Is he moving, even, or is he just standing there silently? Standing at all? Is he a corpse? An apparition?

Satoru tries to pull himself together. He does his best to twist his expression into one of calm, despite the fact that he hasn’t yet caught his breath and he’s growing dizzier with every second he stares into Suguru’s eyes and attempts to discern whether he’s still breathing. When he finally manages to speak, it comes out strangled, forced.

“Y-your hair is down.”

Suguru’s face flushes. And maybe Satoru should be wondering what he could possibly be so embarrassed about, but he’s so busy admiring the indisputable sign of life coloring his cheeks that he cannot bring himself to consider what seems like an insignificant detail in comparison.

“Yeah. It wasn’t cooperating too well today. Look, Satoru, I shouldn’t have-“

The sound of liquid bubbling over from the kitchen cuts Suguru off, and his head snaps toward the entrance, the guilty look in his eyes fading temporarily in favor of confusion.

He hurries into the adjacent room while Satoru sits up and rubs his eyes, his heart rate slowly settling.

He must be losing it.

He’s never been this unstable in his life. It’s easy to make such a criticism now, of course, when he’s in a calmer state of mind.

When he can think clearly.

Still, given this second of reprieve, the remaining shred of his sanity manages to come up with a single, perfectly formed decision:

He will not tell Suguru about this.

He’d been lucky to get a neutral response from him the first time around, given that a random person somehow possessing a sketchbook full of painstakingly crafted images of him would have thrown him off at best, and creeped him out at worst. But this? ‘Hey, I had a dream where I killed you, but I don’t know if it was a dream so much as a premonition? Or maybe it’s happened already, but in a different reality? Well, we better hope it wasn’t foreshadowing anything, huh? Haha.’

Absolutely not.

“Satoru! Did you put milk in this!?”

An exasperated voice snaps him out of his thoughts. He glances towards the entrance and nearly laughs when he sees Suguru standing there with a hand on his waist, brandishing what looks like his (broken) tea kettle threateningly.

“Yeah. What, was I supposed to drink the coffee black?”

“I practically do this for a living, you know! You could’ve just asked me. What will we do now? And when you’re so tired, too. Coffee would have been the perfect pick-me-up...”

Suguru purses his lips disapprovingly, which only heightens Satoru’s amusement. Perhaps they’re both a little unstable, if Suguru’s having a breakdown over a kitchen appliance. He feels his shoulders relaxing, and his mouth curls into a grin.

“I can’t have my guests working, Suguru! Don’t worry about it. I never used that thing anyway.”

“That isn’t really the issue here…”

A shadow passes over his face as he speaks, and his expression drops once again, as though he’s just recalled something important. Satoru eases himself off the couch, planting a reassuring hand on Suguru’s shoulder as he strolls past him and into the kitchen to survey the extent of the mess. He thinks he feels Suguru flinch at his touch, and the crease in his brow deepens. Is he truly that worried about the coffee? Perhaps it was expensive.

The counter is surprisingly impeccable; he’d expected much worse, in all honesty, given Suguru’s slightly disproportionate reaction, and he brushes his hands off casually after disposing of the napkins he used to wipe up the spill.

“See? Don’t worry so much, Suguru.”

Suguru gives him a tight smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes - Satoru would know, because he’s spent what feels like years taking in every smile. He frowns.

“Uh… Should I make more coffee?” He offers in a voice that admittedly sounded more enticing in his head.

“Please don’t.”

Suguru cracks a small grin, then, and the warmth of it makes Satoru almost dizzy with relief.

Because although he can’t deny the inexplicable hold that these visions - these dreams - have over him, there is little to support that they are anything besides horrific amalgamations of his worst fears.

He’d wanted, at first, to believe that he and Suguru had known each other in another lifetime - it was such a pretty concept, an invisible string to tie them together regardless of the circumstances. It no longer mattered what difficulties might befall them, because they were simply fated, and so life would bring them back together.

But when innocent emotions and a soft, hazy sense of familiarity sharpened into memories that Satoru was sure he wouldn’t have wanted to live out in the first place, let alone recall, it lowered his inclination to place faith in what suddenly seemed so incomplete, so groundless. He began to balk at the thought that his mind knew something he didn’t, and that once-comforting notion quickly turned into one that terrified him.

And the string became something like a tightrope, a sequence of events into which they were fated to fall over and over.

It became something with the potential to pull them apart.

The portrait is finished in nine days: it’s practically a record for Satoru, not that he’s counted until now. Even so, it’s plain to see that it’s one of his best works. That isn’t just him being self-obsessed; everyone’s told him so, including his teacher, who was initially reluctant to grant him an extension but immediately changed her tune when he submitted the final project.

It’s Suguru, of course - he’s cast in bright, morning sunlight and stood in front of a tranquil lake that glitters in streaks; places where it’s blanketed in beams of light. His expression is soft, his gaze directed towards the surface of the water, which reflects his surroundings - the treetops, their leaves pale and hazy, the little yellow and blue forget-me-nots that dot the shoreline, and his own silhouette. Gentle ripples tug at the edges of his figure, blending all of his colors together and turning them into barely defined puddles of paint. Beyond the scenery but also reflected in the lake, so translucent they’re barely visible, lay frozen scenes taken from Satoru’s memory (scenes that are meant to represent the course of a person’s life, he’ll explain to anyone who asks) - Suguru laughing, his expression open and free, a golden tint to his face - him facing dead forward, face cold and unreadable - (this one is placed farther away from the silhouette itself, on the outskirts of the water) - Suguru against a brick wall, his face bloodied. This was a smile that he would have preferred to exclude, but it haunted him persistently until he put it down on paper. To make up for it, he’d painted in another - a genuine, attentive beam that made him blush every time he laid his eyes on it. And, of course, one self-indulgent image of the two of them together on a bicycle, the bright blue of the sky barely distinguishable from the water itself.

It was a painting that would have been beautiful even if the subject was not. Even if the subject were somebody entirely different. But to Satoru, Suguru was the painting. It was why he needed him there, solid and moving and directly in front of him, when he began. It wasn’t like he needed to see Suguru’s face to remember what it looked like; it was simply that his presence was the inspiration Satoru needed to understand what he wanted to convey. To him, this painting was not a shallow depiction of a face. He wanted to capture the essence of the person in it, to encompass all of Suguru’s various sides and sharper corners and breathtaking smiles in a single image.

And he thinks he has succeeded, because when he looks at it, he can almost catch a glimmer of movement from the corner of his eye in the ripples at the lake’s surface; he can almost feel the wind in the trees, can almost get so lost staring that a wave of indescribable loss and longing surges through his windpipe, threatening to swallow him completely. Longing for what, he has no idea; Suguru is right by his side, after all.

He doesn’t know whether it’s the kind of thing that others can see, too, if his execution was a success. Even if it was, even if it does procure the same kind of emotion in others as it does within him, he can’t imagine anyone else feeling so strongly about it - about Suguru. Not because he doesn’t think him lovable, but because to Satoru, he is overwhelmingly, incredibly so.

He turns to him now. They are standing side by side in front of the finished artwork - Suguru’s first look. Satoru feels like he could die, he’s so nervous, and he’s not even entirely sure why. It’s been silent for many seconds too long.

He’s just taking it in. Stop being so impatient. Did you expect him to jump for joy the second he saw himself? Even you wouldn’t do that.

Finally, when he thinks he can’t take another second of quiet, Suguru speaks, his voice soft.

Has he been wearing his hair differently these days? Something looks off about it. There is something out of place in his movements as he turns halfway to face Satoru, a sense of transience that Satoru cannot quite pinpoint.

“It’s… beautiful, Satoru. Absolutely stunning. You’ve outdone yourself, as usual.”

#satosugu #jjk #geto suguru #gojo satoru #ao3 fanfic #crying screaming throwing up #archive of our own #alternate universe #coffee shop au #fanfiction #jujutsu kaisen au #jujutsu kaisen

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hungeringheart · 1 year ago

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How do you think a Sylph of Doom would affect the session? Like how would the aspect of doom be broken in the session in order for the Sylph to heal it? Would it be like a lack of rules/system in the game or would it affect the players fate? Sorry if this is a confusing question/if it's worded badly

This all really depends on what you as a writer want to do with your story. The class list is dyadic, sure, but people organize their dyads differently (heir-witch? heir-page? mage-witch? mage-seer? sylph-witch? sylph-maid? knight-sylph? over the years the fandom has persuasively argued for any of these).

That being said, you asked what I think! So here's what I think. This can be considered my analysis post for Sylphs and Doom :)

When I was a small girl, I walked through the market

Holding my dad's hand, mitten in gloved hand

At night there were roses, lit up in glass boxes

The heat lamps would keep them from freezing in winter

We never bought them, but somebody must have

Maybe they made it, or maybe they froze up

Before any person had put them in water

And hoped that they'd still be alive by the morning

- Sellers of Flowers (Regina Spektor)

What's a Sylph, anyway?

The fandom consensus seems to be that sylphs heal in some way, or offer other mysterious fae magical assistance. We don't know more than that and what Kanaya sort of facetiously says once, which is that a Sylph is "sort of like a Witch but more magical". Does she mean that? Does she mean that they're nothing alike?

In the end it's your own call what your Sylphs do, and I think you have to define that explicitly for your own fansession.

In my case, I never paid any attention to sylphs at all until someone who was too emotionally dependent on me assigned me Sylph of Heart, and I got so offended (for lack of a better word) that I fell into a research hole and never emerged.

That's coloured my personal interpretation of the class, which is that they're something like a maid but more remote, and something like a witch but more remote, and something like a mage but less remote, and something like a page but less remote.

I think sylphs are... well, ok, let's digress and travel in time for a moment.

You know about Joseph Campbell's hero's journey, a survey of (a limited set of) folklore that uncovered some archetypes that have since this time plagued psychologists with pseudoscience and folklorists with dubious methodology.

You may not know that all this had such a stranglehold on the world that people took it fully seriously as a way for a man to realize himself, in a way presaging the current manosphere. But then that begs the question, what about women?

Enter Maureen Murdock, a student of Campbell's who asked him if women could also have heroic journeys of actualization, and was met with a dumbfounded look out of eyes that had never thought women might need to develop at all.

Well no, said Campbell, women are the thing men are striving to be worthy of. Why would they need to mature?

So of course then in her work as a therapist (working mostly again with the certain type of women drawn to her practice), Murdock identified a common path towards women (in her own, American culture and ones like it) feeling like whole people. Mostly it's about a process of trying to figure out what a woman is, a real flesh and blood breathing woman, and how to be and do that in women's way; there is unfortunate and dated secondwavey phrasing, but it's a solid thing all told.

For a time this has floated around as a kind of Heroine's Journey. It never attempted to actually be folkloristics, and as psychology it suffered at first from the "Undergrad Students Desperate For Study Payments On One Specific Homogeneous Campus Have Really Fucked Lives, More At 11" thing, which also gave us the false idea that absolutely everyone fantasizes about being violated.

But it has a point: for a woman in a patriarchy (which, to return to Homestuck, is allegorized by the female-centric, but still reproductively oppressive society which Kanaya and Porrim are vital to, but readable as marginalized in) to figure out who she is, she has to figure out what a woman is, in a context without much of value to say on the issue. She has to go through sort of an attempt to become other things, things other people want from her, and then eventually find herself.

Personally this is not my culture or my take on womanhood in real life, but at this point we are talking about interpreting Homestuck through the culture that produced Andrew Hussie, and I think it's useful for classpecting purposes.

To me a Sylph is kind of a response to this. I don't want to get into authorial intent because no one can know about that, but in real life a sylph is sort of an amorphous, ageless, healing, positive elemental spirit. So then a Homestuck Sylph is always a player in a social role of their society that corresponds to that - passive, mysticized, anodyne. Mysterious, but not because there needs to be much there. Mysterious because it's irrelevant to the other heroes' journey, which the sylph is led to believe they're there to support.

Morgan Le Fay. The Lady of the Lake on her magical island. Vasilissa the Wise. Ninian, one supposes. Even Kanaya in her fertility-focused mystery cult. All those lovely flat marriageable wise jinni princesses.

Our two canon sylphs are Kanaya - obviously - and Aranea, whose narrative role is to help everyone mystically see and do a bunch of shit they need to, enable things to happen that ought to happen, and not particularly actively do anything else. But do they actually have to stay in that role, or is the point to transcend its limitations and come into one's own?

I would argue that it is, and that we can see that through the character of Porrim, who after all is sort of a parody of and response to the early fan response to Kanaya. We can also see it through the visceral imagery of how Kanaya saves the species (by killing her virgin mother-sister and extracting her womb/ootheca/budding clone).

So then: yes, sylphs heal or fix others and their fuck ups and life situations, but they also heal themselves and their world and their society's relation to the world. Their mystic function can be argued as something like restoring or finding balance, not necessarily the outcome their party wants or thinks it needs. In that way they might also be read as related to Pages, who go through the same journey of being everything but themselves but for the other binary gender.

Of course gender isn't really the important variable here, it's societal position -- your own sylph's journey can be about whatever you want, as long as it involves dealing with and negotiating the sort of mystic pedestal that people put them on for whatever reason.

That's what I think a Sylph is. They create, repair and preserve the appropriate amount of their aspect for the good of their group, but not because they're "only" good for that or "meant" to do it or somehow "ethereal creatures of [Aspect]" - just because it's necessary, because their aspect is out of balance, because someone has to look at it differently.

I have a fuchsia sylph (of hope) in an unfinished fanwork, Matsya, who might also be instructive as to sylphage and sylphing and so on; in that fanon trolls have a bit more obviously insectile biology, and Matsya is a laying worker, a "mutation" which is normally treated badly in a no longer hive-based society that got this way by chattelizing its queen morph.

But her position (as a queen, the feudal position, in the empire currently run by her biological aunt) gives her breathing room to think about it instead of being bioengineered into the "correct" morph or blacklisted from work appropriate to her caste, and the tension of having that breathing room and no idea what it's really like for others puts her into conflict with others in the setting. The point then isn't necessarily that a sylph Must be marginalized, but that the sylph has to be forced to confront the way that their society runs, react to it, and work to somehow "heal" the problem. Healing bodies and (or) minds can be a component of that -- Matsya for instance can passively inspire people, and insofar as she heals anyone before her gtier powers kick on, it's because all animals can heal themselves better when they don't feel pain and fear. But a Sylph of Rage would nurture and encourage or at least inspire something totally different - and in this way, a Sylph is like an active Muse.

Matsya accomplishes this in a way that restores Hope for a future (by integrating helpful ritual and mystic concepts from the past to serve the present), Kanaya does all this in canon for the aspect of Space by rescuing her species' potential and physical existence, and Aranea I think initially fails to do much more than literally helping Terezi see things because she's too busy playing Captain Save-a-Hoe to think of her role as fixing things in the world, in addition to problems in people.

Aranea's realization as a Sylph is too late for her party (and would probably have mostly benefited her anyway, as her aspect was Light - which is most directly luck, and she was by then working kind of blackhat hackerishly), but I think it comes at some point on the timeline tangential to Act 6, when she appears to be creating and manipulating circumstances and societal constants and understandings to get the Ring of Life (such as by putting John to sleep with her cerulean powers so that he can beat Tavros to it).

But anyhow, that's what I think a Sylph is -- someone who works with and resolves what they're given, in a somewhat more holistic and less servile way than a Maid -- insofar as I write Sylphs any particular way. As always, your mileage may vary.

Who's the winner?

Not the roses,

Not the buyers, not the sellers,

Not the tellers of the stories,

Not the fathers, not their children.

Not those walking on a dark night

Through a memory they're forgetting.

Who's the winner?

Maybe winter, maybe winter...

I like this, what about the aspect of Doom?

Doom is straightforwardly about Law, but not in the cyclic sense of Time - in the linear sense of the wyrd of Norse sagas. Inevitable things, death, endings, suffering, decay. But also the emergence of order, through restriction; the imposition of law, Law and Law (the difference is like the difference between the law that makes jaywalking a crime in the USA, sharia, and the law of gravity). In a way, the yin to life's yang -- the antithesis of struggle, striving, flourishing and self-definition, but equally concerned with the way of things. And uniquely concerned with justice; doom is the aspect that governs and introduces the Just and Heroic Death rule, after all.

In the Slavic languages (famously very fatalistic) and in Yiddish there are words that reflect something I think is good to know about Doom and inevitable things; sudba, a neutral word for destiny meaning the thing judged for you, and mazal, both one of a canonical set of lucky stars and luck or fortune as derived from your birth underneath them. People use these words somewhat fatalistically, as in, you miss a shot or lose money to a casino and you say, oh, well it wasn't destined anyway, or oh, my lucky star is off duty tonight I guess. And then you go on with your life, because it's not always all going to be death doom suffering peril death doom death, even if you think it is. Usually something good happens afterward and you remember that your deity or force of choice isn't always completely drunk, just a lot of the time -- and that it does still have to look out for you occasionally.

A Doom player doesn't necessarily need to be dark or unpersonable (my fankid Eden and her uncle Yoel, also a Doom player in a different timeline, aren't, and neither are canon's Sollux and Mituna) -- they just need to have a character arc resolving around some relation to inevitability, law, decline and decay. None of these are necessarily bad things, though Sollux's case might reflect manifestations that are! Inevitability is part of the way of things, and decay, as the Tumblr lore goes, exists as an extant form of life.

And both together now:

In a sylph's case, because their role is to generate, maintain, resolve, repair and re-examine their aspect, yes, the Doom of their session is probably somehow flawed -- or maybe there's a lack of Doom, altogether, and they need to be the one to direct and contextualize the team. The sylph's personal life and journey is probably strongly tied in with beliefs about law and destiny and (by extension) belonging, meaning and social thought -- they could be pathologically unlucky, they could just be a person who believes in justice in a broken system. My partner's Heir of Doom, Aryyeh, has an inversion of this arc where he's placed to uphold and perpetuate damaged systems, but has to grow into someone who can do something about it - Heir of Doom (future perpetrator of crimes against trollkind) to Heir of Doom (worthy instrument of a new and kinder Law).

Either Doom or the Sylph's relation to Doom or both are unhealthy, and in the spirit of their classpect, they're meant to dial down and take things slow and thoughtfully. And of course, maybe they were born to and moulded by it... but I think their bigger concern is that their session itself might be doomed from the get-go. Don't you? ;)

#sylph of doom #sylph #doom #classpect analysis #homestuck #asks

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fluffytriceratops · 1 year ago

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𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭 - 𝐚. 𝐦𝐢𝐲𝐚 [chapter two]

chapter two: "𝚋𝚘𝚘𝚝𝚢 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚝."

notes: hey, accidents happen— 😏👌✨

chapter one: "mrs kwan is my sugar daddy."

chapter three: "there he is, mr. america."

««•◦ ✪ ◦•»»

Wednesday, 11:13 am.

y/n

guyss HELP

queen keiji

what happened?

bokubro

you okay?

y/n

no. I ACCIDENTALLY JUST SLAPPED THIS DUDES ASS 😫😭

kendoll

how the hell did you do that?

tsukitsuki

sure, an accident.

y/n

tsuki this is no time for sarcasm! im PANICKING here

kendoll

im still confused on how you managed that.

y/n

well it wasn't on purpose!!

y'know how when i talk i move my arms around?

and it can get pretty hectic when i'm excited??

queen keiji

ah yes, i think i understand what happened.

bokubro

really?? cuz i'm still very confused-

tsukitsuki

you would be.

bokubro

huh?

y/n

i didn't see how close he was to me and before i know what's happening my hand slaps his bootymeat!!!

tsukitsuki

bootymeat?

queen keiji

did you apologize?

y/n

ofc i fcking apologized! i was practically on my hands and knees begging for this mans forgiveness.

he was actually really sweet about it- and my god- he's so fucking fine---

tsukitsuki

is no one else going to question what she called his ass?

kendoll

we're used to her behavior at this point. it's better not to question anything.

tetsu

you should really know that at this point, tsuki. i mean you live with her for fucks sake-

bokubro

KURRO!!!

where the hell have you been loca??

y/n

boku-

LMFAO

marry me ❤️

tsukitsuki

fair enough.

bokubro

any day. any time bb gurl~ ❤️

y/n

sdkhdfkljghldfkghfg-- 🥰💕

tsukitsuki

you guys are disgusting.

tetsu

BOKUTO!!!!

how was practice today man?

and y/n- seriously? how the fuck did you managed that?

y/n

IDK!!! 😭😭

IM SO EMBARRASSED I DONT THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS

tsukitsuki

says the girl who was sending hearts five seconds ago-

bokubro

practice was great! you should stop by next time you're available!

y/n

shut the fuck up tsuki.

tsukitsuki

just stating facts.

queen keiji

well at least you apologized. and from what you said, he seemed to take it well enough.

tetsu

who even was this guy??

and yes bo, i definitely will if i get the chance!!

bokubo

yeah i wanna know too!

y/n

idk his name. but i have seen him around campus before.

he's in one of my classes for sure. i wouldn't forget an ass like his~ 🤤

kendoll

now that's disgusting.

tetsu

what did he look like? maybe we know him.

tsukitsuki

@ kendoll, agreed.

y/n

he was pretty tall- like maybe around kuroo's height? a little shorter even? he had blonde hair with a brown undercut. fair skin. and brown eyes. AND A THICK ASS- 😏 my hand BOUNCED off that shit--

tsukitsuki

you're weird as fuck

bokubro

wait- i think i know who that is!!

queen keiji

i have a feeling i know him as well.

tetsu

you think it's tsumu?

bokubro

hey! i wanted to say itt!! 😫

tetsu

you snooze you lose dude

y/n

uh- who?

also tsuki pls fuck off. 👌

kendoll

he plays volleyball with bokuto.

tsukitsuki

with pleasure.

tsukitsuki is now offline.

y/n

wait no! i feel bad! tsuki come back!!

tetsu

he won't. he's on his way to class rn anyway-

y/n

damn.

i'm gonna have to apologize later-

anyway-

he plays vb with bo? i must have seen him then! i'll come see your next practice and see if its him. ^^

bokubro

ALRIGHT!!!

it feels like forever since you've come seen me play!

IM SO EXCITED!!!!!

y/n

awe- me too!! 🥰

you're such a sweetie bo- never change.

bokubro

i ain't planning on it. 😋

━

"Miss. L/n, do you plan on actually paying attention to my class or are you going to continue to grin like a crack addict at your phone the whole time?"

Y/n's head shot up to look at her professor, face burning a bright shade of crimson. She ducked her head, trying to hide from the many eyes that were glued to her. One pair in particular stood out greatly compared to the rest. Chocolate molten, darkly golden eyes. They were practically burned into her memory after all. Considering the first time she really saw them was only moments ago.

PREVIOUSLY.

"You should have seen him, Pika! He practically soared through the air! His hand came in contact with the ball so quickly! And then he smashed it onto the ground!" Y/n recalled the events of Bokuto's amazing play to one of her best friend's. The female nodded enthusiastically, watching with stars in her eyes as she pictured the scene in her head.

"Awe! So cool! I wish I would have seen it.. If I didn't have to study, I would've totally been there!" Pika hummed, biting the end of her pencil in thought.

"Next time, we can both go! OH- I ALMOST FORGOT THE BEST PART-" Y/n moved her arms almost comically as she retold the practice. Making 'whooshing' and other noises with her mouth to emphasize her story. What she hadn't seen, was the guy walking past her. Trying to get down the row to his seat. And that's when it happened. The back of her hand hit something firm but slightly bouncy. She didn't think much of it at first, too enthralled in what she had been saying. But when she turned to apologize to whoever she had hit, Y/n realized just what she did.

Her face had never been more red. Her arms shot to her chest, cradling them in absolute humiliation. He was just walking by to get to his seat, and she had slapped his booty. Kill her now. She bowed her head so quickly, she swore her forehead touched her knees. Pika was stifling her laughter behind her palm, face beginning to grow red herself from second hand embarrassment.

"Oh my god- I'm so, so, so sorry- I didn't mean- it was an accident- I swear I-" His laughter cut her off. It was such a melodic sound, Y/n couldn't help but peek up at his face. There was a tiny flush to his skin, his mouth was stretched wide in a grin, eyes closed as he chuckled. "No worries. But if you really wanted to slap my ass," he opened his eyes, looking back down at her. Brown met e/c and the sight of his beautiful eyes made her heart flip. They reminded her of freshly brewed coffee. Her mouth almost watered. He leaned down and placed a hand on the table next to her, trapping her between him and the desk. "All you had to do was ask."

"Miss. L/n?!" Said female jumped, coming back to reality as she looked down at her teacher. Had she really just been thinking about that guy the whole time? Without acknowledging her professor? How embarrassing...

"S-Sorry!" She squeaked, "Uh- I'll pay attention now! Promise!" She saluted, face scrunched in a mixture of confusion and horror. The male from before was still starring at her from a row down. She connected her gaze with his once more and his lips quirked up in a smirk. There is was, her Achilles heel. That smile was going to be the death of her... She just knew it.

━

y/n

sorry guys, just got scolded by teach for not paying attention

gtg before she beats my ass-

ALSO HE WAS STARING AT ME THE WHOLE TIME AND HIS SMIRK AHH MY HEART LORD HAVE MERCYYYY

okay bye - love you <3

tetsu

you're hopeless but I love you too

kendoll

agreed.

bokubro

love you too bb!! 💕

queen keiji

I told you to pay attention.. you got what you deserve

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onlyjaeyun · 10 months ago

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OH CHAPTER 11 I AM FUCKING LOSING MY SHIT SJHDJDH thank god it was hoon. !?? after your recent responses i kind of got scared it wasn’t him 😭😭 started rereading to see if someone would secretly have a personality like that LMAO (my dots connected to jay)

MAYBE i like sunghoon a little more now… just maybe though. He still has to make it up to our gf ch!y/n for leaving her with no aftercare !!! he has so much suffering and making up to do after that 🗣️‼️

ANYWAY, that fist fucking surprise you gave us…. thinking of how he quite literally beat y/n’s ex up and now he’s going to use the same hands to get off with only Y/N in mind, oh i am MELTING into my bed.

ive never been so captivated to someone’s writing the way i have been with yours. ngl, this is so much better than even half of the physical books ive read with enemies to lovers??? I love how they’re ACTUALLY enemies, hello??? the hatred and sexual tension is EVERYTHING. i am obsessed😭 can’t wait for them to actually date and still be bickering omfgvv that TikTok thing u said about hoon replying to comments was the only thing that kept me sane during my day on campus… 💔 (THANK U FOR THAT)

anyway, zadie i hope you know that you’re one of the only few writers i actually come back to on this app. your blog has to be my favourite, actually. but please also make sure to take breaks when you can :( don’t want you to feel obligated to post just because of us. as much as we do love our stories, without you at your full energy— there would be no stories to begin with !! so please make sure to take care of yourself always. WE LOVE YOU ZADIE ❕

thank you for doing what you do 🤍🥹

BLESS YOUR SWEET HEART MY ANGEL 🥺🥺🥺💞🫧

firstly, thank you so so so so much for your kind words like i dont think you guys understand just how much they mean to me 🥺 i truly love and appreciate you so much and hope you know i will cherish these forever. the fact dou went and sat down and took time to send me this is so 🥺 i love and appreciate you so, so much.

i was honestly shocked how some of you guys believed me when i denied that it was hoonie like you guys had me giggling all 🤭🤭🤭 and don't worry baby, i will make sure that fucker does what's needed at full force bc our girl deserves the best and nothing but. 🤞🏼🤥

stop i just reread this ask for the third time snd am tearing up AGAIN because every time indoubt my writing one of you guys send me such amazing words as if you could feel my doubts and i won't ever be able to express my gratitude 🥺 i love you so much i know im being repetitive but my heart is so full of love and gratitude and happiness and affection i wish i gould hug you rn,🥺🤍

#; mailbox 📬#; cold hearts

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etoile-gracieuse · 1 year ago

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im so sorry yall im regressing into all sorts of old obsessions these days.

just saw a post talking abt why dex (and jack at one point) from check please would be banned from aux at parties (im not reblogging bc it is from 2020 and i dont want to argue with anyone i just want to explain why im right LMAO) and all of the reasons they gave were. What. i had a haus of my own, only for a significantly larger team (track not hockey), and i know my experience is not universal and there's definitely someone out there who Also had a team and a team house w big parties that disagrees w everything i say etc etc but like. it is so odd to see people's ideas abt how that goes when it's the complete opposite of my experience

me rambling abt expectations vs reality for music at parties hosted by doofus athletes for doofus athletes below the cut with a short aside about how canon's housing is deeply confusing to me

it's not just party music assumptions that confuse me, it's on all sorts of levels, like the haus being their only team related off campus space. we had... 11?? off campus houses?? and even if you narrow it down to just houses w mens distance runners in it (approx the same number of people as umich's hockey team rosters) then we had 5 houses plus underclassmen in dorms. like the math is not mathing if there's just the 3 bedroom plus attic haus. what 21/22 year old is choosing to live in a traditional dorm. there's just no way your options as an upperclassman are "be lucky enough to be one of Maybe 6 that can squeeze in if several people share rooms" or "live in dorms. hopefully you get a single" when theoretically they should be averaging like 6.5 people per class year. not the point, a gripe i have w canon really anyways, whatever.

but the collective sense of what goes for party music... i get that the canon era is like 2013 to 2018 or so but like i have met some of our class of 2018 alumni. and i feel preeetty confident in saying the below was also true then.

'he would play come on eileen [and get banned]' - im sorry but that was played at LEAST once per party at my athlete frat house, how is that an aux-bannable offense

"they would be like 'we want party music not sea shanties'" - shipping up to boston is a Thing (capital T deserved). and rattlin bog. do you know how many drinks i have finished while listening to/playing rattlin bog. that is a classic drinking game (i double checked to make sure this wasnt invented like right before i hit college or smthn and found a tweet referencing it from 2014). also we did actually several sea shanties at a st pattys party (our aux guy did have to be bullied into it. worth it) though i would not say that that one's a universal experience.

"this absolute ding dong [jack] says 'i like carrie underwood' and is never asked for his input again" - you're telling me you haven't gotten down in a house full of stolen signs that is falling apart at the seams to before he cheats???? i have watched 22 year old 6'7" men stand on tables and truly Perform their hearts out to this song and you're telling me that holster wouldn't pull that shit?

"plays country and gets banned" - see: before he cheats. but also our most popular party theme (aside from disco i think) was farm party. we had hay bales and apple bobbing. our number of international harvester streams hit double digits before midnight. i did not go to college in the south, or in the middle of nowhere, or any of that. even city kids like to get drunk in overalls and cowboy hats singing about farmers' daughters sometimes

"he just plays dad rock" - i think once again people underestimate how hard college kids go for shit like that when theyre drunk. i have watched people pole dance around a basement support beam to billy joel and bruce springsteen before (admittedly not super frequently but also often enough that i think i have 2-3 videos of it happening). ok actually im looking at a dad rock list and. what do you mean people havent danced to queen at parties. or the killers? or the fratellis? no chelsea dagger or henrietta? no american pie at 2am when youre so tired you can hardly keep your eyes open but youre leaning on your friends and swaying enough to call it dancing so it's ok?? no the boys are back in town???

#alcohol ment #check please #idk why i have such a need to correct the record on people's ideas of college parties full of athletes but #i just Do #i have literally exited out of fics bc the inaccuracies took me so far out of my ability to suspend my disbelief #it's a me problem!! im aware #this isn't to say dex and/or jack wouldnt get banned from aux #they totally would #but the reasons would not be the above

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whentherewerebicycles · 1 year ago

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ok volunteering at the food bank was great! I want to make a habit of doing that although I think I may have to find one closer to home if I want to go weekly (it took me 45 min to drive there and 1 hr 10 min to drive home). but I am going to help them with grant writing and edit some of their donor communications material which can all be done virtually and then maybe I can commit to one shift a month there. as usual with stuff like that I had a ton of inertia/didn’t want to go right up until the second I walked in and then I was just happy to be there and enjoyed the experience. they have a lot of cool ideas too for developing other programming—like some weeks they’ll get a huge shipment of some random produce item and they want to create little digital booklets of recipes that use that ingredient and are drawn from across the national cuisines of their core clientele. plus they have lots of ideas for language access stuff and building in connections to other social services so people can access different resources while visiting the bank. I love the little team that runs it they are super dynamic and clearly just work SO hard to keep things afloat. anyway I think if I go once a month and then do more regular weekend work virtually that will be a nice commitment to have.

mmkay. I’m TIRED despite not really extending myself all that much today. tomorrow is a loooong day but I think/hope it will go fast because lots of in-person meetings. here we go:

6:30-7:45 coffee, emails

7:45-9 shower/get ready, work on bio, finish tabulating scores

9-10:15 advisory board mtg

10:15-11 drive to campus and maybe pick up something to take for lunch on the way or just bring a bunch of random snacks. ALSO CALL VET ON THE WAY IN AND SEE IF I CAN DROP PIP OFF LATER OR ON FRIDAY

11-12 PSE mtg

12-1 CB mtg

1-1:30 KA mtg

1:30-2 partner mtg

2-4 work session—recover from meetings, catch up on email, finish this blog post jes you HAVE to stop dragging your feet

4-5:30 student scholars event

5:30-6:15 listen to game on the way home

make some kind of dinner sigh it never ends does it you’re always having to feed yourself!

zzzzz

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 1 year ago

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so, a random high school memory just popped into my head, and also not so randomly popped into my head from going through my 'relationships I guess' tag.

anyway, I've probs talked before about how anal the catholic school that I went to for high school between 2008 and 2011 (years 7-10) was about the whole "duty of care" thing- especially when it came to formal/prom season in year 10 (2011 for me) and year 12 (2013 for me). so imagine you're one of the 'popular' or 'hot' girls in your year group, and you've got your hot boyfriend whose 21 (yikes in hindsight), that you want to bring to your year 10 formal. the school says no bc of "duty of care"- so then you have to pair up with one of the boys in your year that you don't like in that way- just for the sake of having a formal date/partner.

say you're now in year 12 and you're still one of the popular girls- albeit one of the ones that everyone hates. you want to take your boyfie who graduated the year prior (2012), who is from the same school. however, that also rules him out as a date to your year 12 formal, despite him being only a year older and a previous student of the school. so again, you must take one of your guy friends from your year group to the formal with you.

compare this to the public school that I transferred to for years 11 and 12 (2012-2013). one of my close friends took her 21 year old boyfriend to our year 12 formal. like obvs there's not much you can do, considering nearly all of us (bar people who were late November and December birthdays) were 18, so maybe the teachers at that school felt like they didn't have much of a say of who people brought as their dates to the formal. also two boys from the catholic school actually turned up to this school's formal too.

but it was the distinct form of freedom to me, that the school didn't seem to give a flying fuck about what you did or who your brought along to this event. whereas the catholic school enjoyed sticking their noses into EVERYONES business telling you who you can and can't take to your formals/proms- even if they were former students of the school the previous year- or even current students in the year below you. it's a date from your year or NOTHING- and woe is you if you have the sheer audacity to go alone to the event. what a shame.

but in the case of the girl who in year 10 in 2011 that kept campaigning for her 21 year old DJ (house party dj) boyfriend to not only be the DJ for our formal (he has better music than the DJ the school uses for our socials (school dances)), but also to be her date... like paula. that 21yo grown ass man does NOT love you. you are 15/16. what on earth does this 21yo scumbag douchebag dude have in common with you??? why is he pushing you to take him, as your date, to your HIGH SCHOOL formal??? please don't bring him and stop begging to have him as the DJ.... when it's not the music that he's really there for. it's the access to girls your age.... when he's fuckin 21 and should be nowhere near a teen girl's year 10 formal/junior prom (not counting family tagging along to the photos portion of the event).

because I can see now that the catholic school, to some extent, did care about safety when the 21yo boyfriend wanting to be a formal date thing came into play. because I remember when I turned 21 in 2016, when the 16-18yo year 10 to year 12 students from the nearby high schools would come to my home uni's campus for lunch and decent coffee during their free periods or lunch breaks. i remember thinking "christ they're so young" and stuff like that. whenever I heard them talking amongst each other about their HSCs (end of high school exams) and ATARs (uni entrance marks), I always thought to myself, "god. I remember when that shit actually mattered.... and it doesn't now lmao bc I'm here". and "they really are just kids."

then when I did a couple of first year electives the next year, 2017, and I talked to the 18yos in those classes..... I realised how much I'd grown and stuff in the 4 years since high school had finished for me. and it was esp stark when all those kids kept telling me to turn in my work from high school.... all because that's what they were doing to save time, and they were apparently "getting high distinctions" bc their work was just "so good and intelligently written" or whatever bullshit they told me. so when I told them that, "hey. uh I can't really do that because I've grown so much since late high school that my writing voice is quite different and matured... and I don't think I could make my work NOT sound like it was written by 16 to 18 year old me." to which they'd always respond to me with "well that just means you're NOT a talented enough writer like me. why are you even in an arts degree if you can't make your work sound as good and as smart as mine???" like good luck, dana and jack, when your high school bs work starts running out..... and you realise halfway through uni that you're not as talented as you think you are.... and that your professors were just being nice to you in your first semesters. your teenage hubris will come crashing down soon. trust me.

but my point is that my growth between my late teen years and my early 20s was pretty big. I remember thinking that even the 17/18yos I was with in those 2017 first year electives with were practically still kids. but obvs being 18 and having moved interstate (some of the first years) makes them, to themselves, more mature and worldly than me, who is just a lowly local student vs becca who moved 10 hours away from her family to attend my local uni.

but my point is, to my younger followers, if i have any.... is that your high school has a point with duty of care rules, to not let you take your partner, esp if they're in their early 20s and you're 16-18 for your junior or senior prom. like yes it may be an absolute pain that you have to take laikynn, who is a dumb rudeass jock or the weird kid teddy or yknow- shock, horror you dare to go alone- bc fuck "needing a date" to these things.

but your early 20s partner is at a different stage of life to you- and defs should not be cruising around a year 10 formal/junior prom venue trying to idek "keep an eye on you" or whatever the stupid excuse is about wanting to go with you- let alone date you in the first place. bc never once, in my early 20s, did I want to date a 16-18yo. even if yes, there was only 4 years of age difference between me and the new 18yo uni students in 2017. but that 4 years meant that I was almost graduating, meant that I'd been to business college (this was a rip-off to get me into uni tbh) and had significant other stuff going on that made me grow, instead of y'know, just stagnating and staying in a teenagers mindset.

it meant that I was contemplating my future a bit... where would I go with my english/philosophy degree??? while the new students were still riding the highs of getting their desired ATARs or getting into uni through early entry. probs still thinking nice fluffy thoughts that an arts degree will make them a millionaire and get them hired instantly. when in reality, no one wants to hire you and will instantly pigeon-hole you into a teaching role.... despite your complete disinterest in the job field... and you personally knowing that it's NOT a fit for you.... but i digress.

so yeah. I now realise that the catholic school actually had a point with being hella anal about duty of care when it came to my formals/proms. so to any younger users on here: if some early 20 something person wants to date you, and wants you to take them to your high school event, really question their motives and why on earth they'd really want to go to your year 10 formal/junior prom or even senior events, with you.

you're 15/16 for junior prom/Y10F. take jake from science class or carina from english class. or go alone with your friends, bc you won't die if you don't have a partner for these events.... despite what that society says. or whatever weird bs an older partner could spit out to try to go with you. same goes for senior prom. go with someone your own age, not your 23yo partner who shouldn't be dating a teenager - like bro (gender neutral) knows what rent is and how to pay it. bro knows how to pay interest on a car loan. dump their ass. hell go with a person in the year below you, like i could've done for my year 12 formal. just don't invite some 20 something year old to a high school event it's weird af.... and your school has a point in regards to safety.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess

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lee-etc · 1 year ago

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Answer 21 Questions, Tag 21 People

Tagged by @meiyanaalexia , thank you again for the tag 💗

1. Nickname: Why, Lee of course! I'm a simple man. (I've had other nicknames but they are too close to my real name so I am not sharing sorry asdkjalkdj)

2. Zodiac: Sagittarius ♐

3. Height: 168 i think???

4. Jock, nerd, goth, prep: definitely a nerd, ough

5. Last thing I googled: "jack black super crush beer cherry" it's tasty and i couldn't remember the exact name

6. Favorite musicians: TATSURO YAMASHITA,,,,,,,,,,,,, Yves Tumor, Her's, boygenius, ONE OK ROCK, Tyler the Creator, Sufjan Stevens, Björk, Talking Heads, ABBA, Duran Duran, Kate Bush, Tears for Fears... (if i continue we will be here all day)

7. Song stuck in the head: not a song but tomato potato clementine!!!! c'est bizness!!!😤💯🔥

8. House or block flat: idk if it's whether i wanna live in one or if i do live in one and the answer is house yes apartment maybe kind of

9. Followers: 289, i love you all 😤😤💝 except the bots i might have forgotten to block ❌❌

10. Do you get asks: yes but i am terrible at answering them i am so sorry

11. Amount of sleep: 6-9 hours baybee (number is less when i have an assignment due the next day xoxo)

12. What are you wearing: my headphones, black sweats and my dark blue white boy jersey (i just call it that because of the vibes it gives off) (all comfy at home stuff because i am comfy and at home in bed)

13. Dream job: I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...anyways, something in storytelling (preferably animation)

14. Dream trip: Going to Japan so soon it is mind blowing and something I have always wanted to do. Would also like to travel to any other countries with good food and hopefully see some of my mutuals on here one day!

15. Instruments: none 😭😭😭 If I could learn any, I'd learn the piano, bass guitar, and/or the saxophone.

16. Languages: English, and I'm learning/have learnt but am not fluent in: Afrikaans, IsiXhosa, Japanese

17. 10 favorite songs as of now:

(this is according to spotify) (also copy pasted from my previous post if there are repeats)

So You Are Tired by Sufjan Stevens

Golden Fever by Keanan Eksteen

King of Silence by Cibo Matto

enknee1 by hemlocke springs

Pills & Good Advice by Left At London

Planet of the Bass (feat. DJ Crazy Times & Ms. Biljana Electronica)

Pulp by Lime Garden

Ashtray by Hippo Campus

Cover Me by Starbenders

See You Again (feat. Kali Uchis) by Tyler, The Creator and Kali Uchis

18. If you were an animal: idk but lynxes are so cool

19. Favorite food: Japchae <3 I also love tiramisu

20. Random fact: I have been tryingg to listen to the magnus archives. It is very good so far.

21. my aesthetic: perhaps something light academia adjacent? i'm not sure.

Not gonna tag 21 people i am gonna tag like 7 cause that is a third of 21. yeah (feel free to ignore as always) : @1989nihil @dogboyrevenge @burgundyquills @a-nerdy-little-me @mitarashiko @zuraea @justacasualgaycrisis

#tag games #my rambles #long post

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beaumont-ague · 2 years ago

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Task 11 —> Intro & Connections

Toulouse Beaumont // Twenty Two // Art Major // He/Him

+ Confident, Artistic, Laid-Back - Rowdy, Rebellious, Proud

Full Bio [ x ]

Facts/Headcanons

Toulouse has a lot of inner insecurities from being a chubby and introverted kid when he was younger; now, he’s much more loud and out there than he used to be, and will strike up a conversation with almost anyone, but still keeps many things reserved

He’s an art major, which basically means he never sleeps, always has a bit of paint somewhere on him or his clothes, runs on pure creative energy and once he gets an idea he can’t do anything else until he creates it

Toulouse has moderate ADHD and keeps this a secret, but it’s also why he’s so full of energy at times and chaotic

Toulouse is bilingual and proud of that fact

The Beaumont triplets are all well versed in music, art, and dance

Toulouse is left handed

Identifies as bisexual

Taken Connections

Family: Duchess Beaumont (mother) @duchess-beaumont, Marie Beaumont (sister) @happiestmariebeaumont, Berlioz Beaumont (brother) @berlioz-beaumont, Thomas O’Malley (mom’s boyfriend) @thomas-o-malley

Friends: @xalicethewonderx @ollie-olliebaby (all his friends keep leaving *sob*)

Girlfriend: @adropofgoldenrachelx

Enemies (But not really, it’s just one sided and not on his): @cassguardia

Wanted Connections*

Friends - Toulouse keeps his inner circle pretty tight, but a lot of his friends have gone off on their own life paths, and he could use some more people for support and shenanigans, Plus, Toulouse is a very loyal person; once you become friends, there’s likely no getting rid of him. You know, so long as everything remains cool.

Smoke Circle - Think That 70s show. Yes, this connection is all about having a group of people to smoke with. Everyone needs to unwind somehow, right? Anyway, if your character is a social smoker and/or wants to try, this is the route for you.

Falling Out - Maybe these two used to be friends, but fate decided to push them their separate ways. We could bring them back together and see where it goes.

Conspiracy Theorist Buddies - Toulouse loves talking about conspiracy theories. In fact, he and Charlie made a whole club for it at Redwood College. If you like debates, conspiracy theories, or are just here to see people argue, come join!

Wanted Plots / Plot Ideas*

And they were roommates: Since Charlie went back home, Toulouse has been living in their dorm by himself. It gets a bit lonely in an empty dorm, and the space doesn’t feel the same with just one person living there. Your character could be transitioning to on campus living, or just looking to swap rooms, and get matched up with Toulouse for a dorm.

Misery loves company: Toulouse is often plagued by nightmares, which he tells no one about aside from his mother. Lately, they’ve been getting worse with everything that’s been going on. When he can’t sleep, he often goes for walks alone in the woods. Maybe your character happens to be out there too, and they can share what’s on their minds.

Other

One character from the open tag you would like to see taken: Michael Darling (For a number of reasons but I would love Toulouse to interact with more college students and their majors are both in the ELA / Arts fields)

One Character you want to see a bio for in relation to this specific character: N/A

#happiestplacetask11

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what-if-nct · 2 years ago

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hiiii is it ok if i ask for some advice? im sorry im gonna sound rambly but uhhh i'm 14 and starting high school next year (which i alrdy dont feel too good abt haha) and my (overbearing asian) parents are going to send me to this private lutheran hs instead of the public one i was supposed to go to bc its more upper class and smart (?). tbh i was genuinely surprised that i liked the school, academic-wise, and i rlly liked that i had the space in my schedule to take more fine arts classes (i dont have any in my hs) but like the first thing the principal said to me was that i "needed to learn to be a good christian". a whole hour each week is dedicated to jesus and i just know my atheist ass is going to be uncomfortable asf. first, one of my best friends has a thing for jesus (he says jesus is too hot to be straight 😭) and i cant tell if hes joking anymore, and second, i dont have a problem with people who are religious, but i do when they are flat out hateful and harrassing people from communities they "dont agree with", and i just know the people preaching at this school are the latter.

also rn i am the *only* poc in my entire school, and i noticed there were a lot more asian students and students of color, so hopefully there'll be less kids pulling at their eyes or calling me slurs :D

anyways i not a fan of the fact that "homosexual behavior on or off campus" warranted for expulsion, since i am a *very* queer and bisexual individual. at my current school, i dont really need to hide my gayness bc no one cares, and my teachers are accepting (my homeroom teachers a lesbian lol <33). i dont think i can handle having to hide such a big part of my identity at home *and* at school :( too add to that i really suck at making friends, so being somewhere without people i'm comfortable with, my anxiety gets really bad, and i just shut down completely.

my hs is p rundown (like most public highschools are) and the classes are average at best, so idk man, im torn :( i dont know if i should suck it up and go to lutheran school bc their good academics, or ✨be myself✨ and go to p shitty school :/

i dont know what to do (or if i can even do anything) abt it i just dont feel too good about this :( you've mentioned you went to a christian school, so do you have any advice? even if you dont, thank you so so much for listening to me rant for a moment there <33 i really treasure you and your blog, atp you feel like the big sister i've never had. i love youuuu <333

That is such a sticky situation. Cause maybe you can try to persuade your parents especially since they'll be paying for the private school on top of college tuition in the future, it can be a huge selling point. I know that's how I won in the decision of beauty school over college it's cheaper. And christian and catholic schools are heavily based in religion like it's a huge part of it so if you don't believe in it it can be absolutely mind numbing. I actually didn't go to Christian school, actually wasn't forced to go to church as a child, I was like 11 and for some reason told grandma Christianity is responsible for all the bad things that happened in the world. Which is wild that I even was able to come to that conclusion as a child she just brushed me off. But I did go to church summer camp to be with my friends which my friend and I got scolded for holding hands but she was just leading me through the crowd of people. So that's still unfortunately a huge part of christian beliefs

the thing that really caught me off guard is the homosexual activity off campus can lead to expulsion. On campus like sucks but is expected of a christian school sadly. But off campus in your day to day life is like your actions off campus shouldn't be judged by the school. Like I can't wrap my mind around that. I think since you have a whole summer maybe look for more schools you can attend I remember doing this in middle school because my home high school was an F school so you could choose any high school within a certain range. You'd be really surprised with how many schools are around you I'm assuming you're in the us but I'm sure everywhere has a ton of schools. And look for a school that holds some of what your parents want and also your own values and needs for your education. And maybe your parents seeing you take initiative might be an extra point.

If your parents are deadset on it. I think try to make the best out of it as much as you can usually there's a group of people in the same boat you're in where their parents forced them to be there. Trust me no matter where you go you will always be drawn to those like you every single time. But if you do get the choice of going to the original public school firstly screw every single racist little bitch who does that to you that is horrid I am so sorry you have to endure that. People suck. But you can also learn extra independently I always did that cause I was a bit ahead of my class. But I really think researching more schools in your area would help you find the perfect school for you. I personally was in love with Waldorf schools they're more creative led schools and freer, I wanted to go to one so badly. So figure out the exact kind of education you want like a magnet school, charter school it doesn't hurt to see how receptive your parents will be to it.

I really hope this helped at all and I hope it works out well for you. And Awwww it's so sweet you see me as a big sister, I gladly be your big sister, love you too🌸🌸🌸

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theuniverseawakens347 · 26 days ago

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but how did Preston get it !?

… so Cam Walker is a dub after the week of September 17, 2013. I come back to see son Ian and I he pops up on me and I had a scratch on my eye on my eyebrow because I just raised my eyebrows and I just lied to Knigge and said oh Cameron hit me with the car door. I want to see what you wanna do but also in hindsight that’s me picking up on some dumb ass shit because you hit Kimora aaja and said it was Preston … how you talking to him!??

—— but anyways I didn’t have sex with Cameron. I told you that but you started acting weird like I did and I said no so we got over that and then like a week later you and I finally had sex but I know we had sex a month after we met because I was purposely holding out because Cameron situation was weird and sticky, and I wanted to solidify that being done before I moved into the next thing and then we had sex and like I can’t remember if it was before we had sex or we had sex but I’ll be walking from class and I’ll be thinking like damn is Ian gonna pop up today cause you was telling me your phone was acting weird and I wanted to hang out and talk with somebody because I’m tired of these females they clearly don’t fucking like me so it was like as soon as I got to my dorm maybe 5 to 10 minutes later you come hopping over my balcony and knocking on the window —- ur whatever I’m clingy and annoying n aggressive that’s weird … yeah so there is one day where I got like super horny and I just like I don’t know what Knigge but he wasn’t in the mood so I said deuce… I did my mating call and ya didn’t know WTF it was .., it you were intrigued.. @beyonce possessed sex gawd. .. oops… when we getting to Preston!.

Anyways, long story short come to like November some shit happen with me and my roommates because Tyler Darien and Alyssa and Kori are being fucking weird on the back and putting things on me and Chanel so I got kicked out of that dorm and you help me move into my dorm. I think it was like November 11 and we’re sleeping in the living room because I don’t want my roommate to feel any type of way because you used to sleep in my bed with Tyler but Tyler we were being respectful, but she just threw a fit because any she brought over while she was cheating on her. Her man wanted to get to know me and I didn’t care for them. …. So we slept in the living room and you said you wanted to have a kid yeah that seems cool thinking about it not right now though wouldn’t even make sense for us…. but you trying to be weird and give me knocked up so bitches you got tangled on you on the back and would leave you the fuck alone so Miranda started bugging her fuck I nose into our situation and I asked you a few times what the fuck this bitch was on and I caught you laying up with fucking Kamari while you over here doing whatever you are with me but so Preston concerned about Cameron Walker so I seen what I needed to see to know that you ain’t nothing but dick for me don’t you wanna come over and dick down cool bring a condom.! …

but then you started disappearing and pissing me off so I just said whatever I’m good Knigge we could be friends, but I’m also trying to communicate with you like what are you trying to do because you tell me we’re not together but then you come to me and you wanna act like boyfriend and girlfriend to piss off other bitches then when I see you with other bitches out on campus after you just left me trying to be all lovey-dovey. I’m trying to make it work with you type thing I asked you what the fuck going on then you press me like I’m being the psychopath one so I really like by Valentine’s Day of the next year. I just said I’m good on you nigga… you asked me out I said I got somewhere I’m going.

so December after Christmas when you was over at my house and you was being weird and I went through your phone to figure out why you were being weird because you and Miranda had a fucking miscarriage and then you had the audacity to ask me to have a fucking baby to make up for that fumble let us know but you still found ways to insert yourself into my life so I just adjusted to this Knigge need a friend, but I’m not gonna let you be a pushover on me …. So by New Year’s, I came back to campus after Christmas dinner with my folks and you flew out to North Carolina or South Carolina or whatever you line as did when I dropped you off at LAX.

I Hit up Preston 🤷🏽‍♀️…

Grown dick no sticky so I thought … lmao ew Cashay was responsible n had a circle … but anyways 16 me n Preston from may to august … cruise to London .. came back 1 week later broke up w em… kiss someone on the cruise .. but lee paid that person off to fuck me .. that’s weird why … tryna get me PREGANT … anyways at the start of me and Preston he missed the day of practice and Coach Bri coached us with Josh. He broke his leg Preston and I sent him a text message after track on some innocent shit and I just said don’t ever fucking leave us with somebody who can’t fucking coach that piss me the fuck off legitimately and you’re on painkillers and you’re texting me back. I text you at five when track ended and you texted me at 10 PM that was our first time talking. … and I responded and the conversation just quickly took a turn and like I said I’m 16 hormonal and we already had the TV going where the news was talking about teacher student relationship and I’m thinking I wonder what that would be like but now and hind that I’m realizing that was Lee’s thought.

But again, I’m not going to claim victim. I already lost my virginity on top of. I already knew what sexual activity was so I can’t say I was completely not a tune to what was going on as far as my own choices to do that shit too. … but anyways during track season Preston and I are trying to keep it on the DL so we’re texting but it’s like I’ve been talking to Justin. That was my birthday present to me but a week or two weeks into before you even broke your leg Preston just hitting you up on the back for some reason and I said why why would you I don’t even know why that would even be happening so you showed me the profile and it was a white man named Preston.

and I was confused bc … why would my ex be harassing you and I’m not talking to you at all like that … NO HINDSIGHT BUT NOW I GET IT LEE N PAULA LIVING THEY WEIRDNESS OUT THRU ME - MAE PAYNE. ..

before I completely broke up with Justin, we took a two week break and in that two week I was focus on Tasha n friends … after that two weeks or during that two weeks I should say I’m finalizing I don’t want to be with Justin, but this Knigge is so pasty like every 23 days during the break he hit me and I I keep telling him like Knigge we’re on a fucking break. I don’t wanna talk to you… so I forced to take him back and only lasted for maybe a week before I was like I’m really good on you which was hello 16th birthday wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy get the fuck out of my life for good please…

so yal are weird “ adults” I’m trying to recall MY SIDE N ANCESTORS TAPPING IN WITH WHAT U WERE DOING ON THE BACKEND - ALEXIS U TWO … but leaving put UR COUSIN WHO WE FUCKING UP TO ME BUT TELLING LEXI ITS TRYSHA OR ASHLEY HER SISTER … indianlove COI LERAY …

why didn’t you just bring us all together with me included and tell me these were my families and my sister children what are you doing?

…… anyways I went on that cruise. I met that little England boy that shit happen. The way Lee wanted it to happen. I’m emailing Preston every now and then on the cruise I get back home. He’s living in Hollywood Hills off of Osborne and Ventura or Kanga I’m speech texting. I’m not about to fix that, but I think we hung out for a week and I am. I slept over twice and we didn’t have sex and he was like what the fuck is going on what’s wrong with you? I’m trying to do and I’m like I’m good and the second time we hung out, I slept over and I woke up first thing in the morning and I just left a Knigge and then I ain’t never talk to Knigge again. 🙂…

cut two 19. Cut to 19 I hit them up because I’m feeling like damn I want dick again and there’s no good options here at CSA and the basketball team is fucking weird then you like play fuck the cat in front of me that’s awkward of you and then Alyssa, every Knigge that like comes around you want some weird shit on the back end and then, it just wasn’t giving what I wanted. It was not Kevin Johnson. You’re a tall brother to me KJ you’re here but you’re I’m hooked on Julian Harrell. I’m not about to fuck you. Also you’re not my type so my only option that’s close to home is literally Preston, but for whatever reason in hindsight Preston stalking me with Lee planning on Doug and Sandra, but he’s a sugar, babe to elder women, but he misses my young Coochie. …. But the night I wanted to come over I got into an accident so it left me no car .. oh wells …

But Keon is somewhere in here but that was end of 1014 -2015 while at make up school … Preston April 15th we went to Vegas 2014 w dough n Sandra … so I already dropped out of college, but I’m still at college like I just stopped going to classes because I’m not learning anything you made me do the same math class three times in a fucking row and I passed, but you played with my fucking grades because my freshman orientation class for resources was a piece of fucking shit. You wanted me to read a book on turning trash into art but you’re supposed to be teaching me how to use the fucking campus and navigate my classes but you’re not teaching me anything worthy and I told Lee and Howard one I didn’t even want to go to college I wanted to do a two year JC while I figured out what exactly I wanted to do believe was in competition with John Garlington and and Mary and Rachel going to college and Ronnie going to college and France is going to college on a scholarship and she thought I was fucking stupid so I finished my first semester and I told her I’m not interested in this shit. I want to save money. I don’t wanna do this

“well finish off your year. “

I’m trying to save money. I already know right now. I don’t want to do this. … anyways that’s an intermission, but yeah and I we start hanging out when I finally get my car back. I start smoking with him. I bring NATEANA over a couple times TWO SMOKE There’s a lot that happened in a short amount of time before we finally said we were going to date again, but I was hanging out with him because all of my friends were off at school and I just found a new pot of friends so I thought Alyssa and also I like not being in the house anymore …

anyways, that summer I think summer 2014 is when Keon and I hooked up and it was cute. He was feeling me while I was at Seun Alyssa‘s friend, but I never did anything with him because like I said I had Ian bugging on the back in and it was just too much stressful shit to deal with , so that I finally had space and peace single and he wanted to take me on a date and I appreciate the date. It was cute. We went out to the beach. He bought some weed. We got some snacks, but that was just trying to fuck at his spot and he wanted to bust down in the car so we in the backseat smoking a blunt and talking and then you know hooking up and I’m sorry if this bitch was not giving what I wanted so I put my shirt back on and I’m said I’m sorry my bedtime I gotta go …and left the car and ain’t talk again… it’s rude but so is a nigga tryna wine n dine me WHEN YA JUST WANT PUSSY. 🤷🏽‍♀️🙂

If you an asshole, I’m a be an asshole if you are polite and sweet, I’m a give you what you’re giving me. I’m not gonna give you anything more than unless I feel like you overstepped some fucking boundaries that I clearly make.

But I’m starting to realize Cashay is reading my thoughts therefore she agrees with me or she saying them out loud. Therefore she agrees with me so why are she overstepping my boundaries when I’m not overstepping a goddamn motherfucking thing you are choosing to be a fucking retard because you don’t know how to fucking communicate. You also feel shallow because you got played by a bitch and your world but I see it as a bitch that motherfucking boundaries because I respect myself while you knickers is out here doing incest on your own fucking cousins, knowing your related for some goddamn fucking money then you’re being pimped to me and hindsight for some extra fucking money to try and put a baby in me for another fucking come up and your goddamn life. …

Paula, you did the same shit to Tristan and made him put a fucking ring on a bitch who don’t fucking want him. Also you trying to experiment on his sexuality because you’re so lost and confused with your own but you marry Pops but when he out-of-the-way you wanna fuck on the on uncle Malik, how do you get here?

since yal WANA be so gotdamn in my business. 🙂

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