#also after 8 years I finally bought and played the games

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

Thinking about the time I had a major grade assignment to make a robot, and I decided to make…. Wheatley. Just literally Wheatley. Because I remembered the crush I had on him when I was 8-10. And I turned it in and got like a 105 or something.

I’m also thinking about how I will never see my Wheatley submission again because MY TEACHER DIDNT TELL ME ALL MY SHIT WOULD BE LOST FOREVER BY THE NEW YEAR AND I SHOULD SAVE IT ON A PERSONAL DEVICE.

Goodbye shitty adobe Wheatley. May you float in the cloud eternally where I cannot reach you, almost exactly like you are in the game.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Hello Nicholas!

I hope this isn't a weird question, but I saw in one of your posts that you used to be in a huge amount of debt and now you're living more comfortably- how did you manage to get out of debt? I feel like every time I start even trying to figure out where to start, it's just all too big to ever get out from under. Do you have any advice for me?

Hope you have a great day!

Hey there! Yes, from about 2007-2010 (before I transitioned), I was making less than $10k/year. I defaulted on all my credit cards, exhausted my retirement, and nearly lost my house. It sucked, and in 2024, I'm finally start to feel somewhat secure. What I learned (assuming living in the US, I also did not have student loan debt):

I had to first figure out the sources of my debt. A big chunk of it was because of bad spending habits due to mental illness (hoarding + retail therapy when I was dysphoric/depressed). Another chunk was from being in an abusive friendship. Another, from being unemployed. And the last, was general capitalism (this was during the housing crisis.)

I started working on improving myself to curb behaviors that led to debt. I started working on my hoarding. I started transition to improve my mental health (had to sell some stuff to afford HRT). It took until 2015 to ditch my abuser, alas.

I started working on new job skills. I swallowed my pride and got an office job after a failed 3-year stint at freelancing. It was shitty, but enough to take care of my income emergencies -- keeping my house out of foreclosure. I got a better job 8 months later. It also sucked and I was in it for 7 years, but eventually changed industries and that's when my career took off. Because with each new job, I've gotten better and better pay.

I started using budgeting software. YNAB is my favorite. I try to account for every single dollar I have.

I started spending smarter. Food was the expense I had the most control over. I went to the salvage grocery store (you can find non-expired stuff if you hunt) and bought the "ugly" produce 1 day away from rotting from the local markets. I actually managed to eat well once I found these grocery stores, and my food bill became a fraction of what it'd been at typical grocery stores. I do wish that I had given food pantries a shot, but I was in denial about my poverty at the time.

I sold a ton of useless crap. I got rid of a good chunk of my nerd "collectibles". I only miss a few things over a decade later.

I negotiated with my debt collectors. I managed to set up payment plans with my credit card companies, condo association, and the IRS. I also did a debt consolidation loan once I qualified and was sure I could commit to the monthly payments. It forced me to be super strict about my budget and for about 5 years I didn't buy much for myself. It sucked, but I cleared a bunch of debt that way.

I got help from my family. I was embarrassed to tell my family about my predicament, but it became impossible to hide. I got help cleaning out my hoard and my mother has gracefully given me generous cash gifts every now and then. Never enough to be life-changing, but enough to give me a mental breather.

I played the credit score game. This one seems counter-intuitive, and requires some self-control about not abusing credit cards. Many people recommend the "snowball" method for paying off cards (pay off your lowest debt asap, then go to the next one), but I went with a "credit utilization" method (bring my highest used cards down to the next utilization level, then move to other cards) so I would see immediate changes in my credit score. What is credit card utilization? It's the percentage of how much of your credit card you're using. A card with a $1,000 limit and $100 on it = 10% utilization. Your credit score changes when you cross the following thresholds: 90%, 70%, 50%, 30%, 10%. Once my credit score started going up past 400 (especially as defaults started falling away), I applied for a secured card. As I started using that better, I applied for a few more cards, then for credit line increases every 6 months. My car insurance rates were tied to my credit score, so as soon as that improved, I switched companies and saved money there.

Mistakes I made:

Being in denial that I was poor. I didn't really look for resources on how to live while in poverty. This hurt me a lot because I ended up neglecting myself out of pride, which made my situation even worse.

Payday loans. I got stuck in the payday cycle for about 8 years. I wish I had sold more stuff or asked family for money to have never needed that initial loan. Once you are in the cycle, it becomes very difficult to get out.

Not going to a food bank.

Not asking for help sooner. And not just financial help.

Not getting out of abusive situations sooner. This is hard, and I sympathize with anyone in a similar position. But if you think it's time to move on, trust your gut - don't sacrifice yourself for people who don't care about you.

Ignoring debt collectors, because I was too afraid to negotiate for a plan. The IRS was so patient with me in the end, even after defaulting twice on plans.

Not considering getting a roommate to reduce costs, or not thinking of doing more things like shared meals with my fellow poor friends. Again, denial and pride. Humility is not a bad word and I wished I had learned it sooner.

Not changing jobs sooner. Curbing my hoarding and getting a better job are responsible for about 90% of me being where I am financially today.

Getting out of debt is a marathon. It took over a decade for me, and I am *still* feeling the sting of poverty. I wish you the best of luck. Folks are welcome to tack on specific tricks and strategies -- this is just a general outline of my particular journey.

[peregrineggsandham]

:D It's funny, I hadn't actually played Psychonauts at the time! I knew the general plot from Wikipedia - my family had limited electricity, so there were a bunch of movies and a few games that I tried to find novelizations of instead of watching/playing, and it was just one of many. Obviously it didn't have a novelization, but in search of one I accidentally learned that fanfiction existed. Whoops.

Since I was only half-aware of the actual story and of transformative work as a concept, the entire thing had a very eerie, wait-this-is-different, oh-wow-what-esoteric-thing-have-I-stumbled-upon vibe. Our internet was pay-by-the hour, so I remember opening every chapter in a new tab and loading them all at once to read offline - I still do that with fanfic out of habit to this day!

Really glad you're still writing all these years later. 👍

[1/2] So... this is *really* out of the blue. Today I had to name a plastic skull. As you do. So I went with a name that I somewhat frequently give to vaguely eerie things, since I've always really liked it. Realized, wow, that name is a blast from the past, it was from one of the first fanfics I'd ever read and enjoyed, back in Ye Olden Days. On a whim, I decided to try to track down where the author of its source was now: from ffnet to deviantArt, then here. I may be wrong. If so, apologies.

oh my god

I am indeed the author of SASTSS. Somewhat to my chagrin lol

Gonna be real, I do cringe a bit now looking back on that fic. Granted, yeah, I was a kid (17 when I started writing that geeze) so of course it's kind of a mess.

I think I'm just. Really flattered that it left such an impression on you! And that you remembered it all these years later! Like genuinely, I'm really flattered! It's not silly at all! Sorry my unfinished, plotless mess was your introduction to fan fiction haha! But seriously, thank you! It's really super cool and kind of you to reach out like this. It kinda made my day. I've just got a big silly smile on my face now.

I'm glad Rix lives on as a plastic skull. It's what he deserves, the little shit. <3

[waterfire1848]

Perhaps grace us with a few fire family dragon headcanons? 🙏🏼 (as in, all of them have their own respective dragon forms)

Hello, @kibutsulove !!! I’m gonna assume you just mean headcanons-headcanons and not headcanons for an AU (if I’m wrong correct me so that I may write more headcanons for a dragon!Fire family au)

1. There’s a game Lu Ten used to play with Zuko and Azula when they were really young where he would let them try and tackle his tail to practice pouncing. It was always so cute to watch them try and be so sneaky before jumping. When Zuko jumping on his tail and dug his claws in and when Azula actually surprised him with one of her pounces was when Lu Ten knew they’d outgrown the game.

2. Azula loves having her claws out. Human or dragon form, her claws are always out on display. Mostly she doesn’t this for firebending in her human form and show in her dragon form. Ursa is the same way and will usually do so when talking to a noble woman who is getting on her nerves (just casually reaching for a drink and showing off claws that could tear someone open). Ozai has his claws out as a dragon but not while human, same for Iroh and Lu Ten. Zuko never has his claws out and only starts doing so after his banishment. Azulon is the only one who shows off his claws exclusively in human form.

3. Dragons are vulnerable to catnip. It makes them more cuddly and loopy. Sokka bought catnip during their trip in the Earth Kingdom. (I’ll let you make of that what you will)

4. Zuko (post redemption) and Appa fly together a lot. Zuko never really did a lot of flying after his mom left and really didn’t when traveling so getting the chance to stretch his wings and fly with Appa is a big deal for him. When Azula is better, she joins them in their flights and takes the opportunity to finally feel free again. Races, different moves, games, etc, all occur.

5. While he was on his spirit journey, Iroh took a year and lived solely as a dragon who was sometimes a human as opposed to the reverse. He took up residence in a mountain cave and the locals swore there was a dragon living up there but none of the soldiers believed them. Iroh would occasionally show off his horns or eyes to the kids and wink at them which sparked a lot of stories about the old dragon man living in the mountains that continues to this day.

6. By the time Azulon comes around, it’s a well established fact that the Royal Fire Nation Family has this ability and they’ve grown used to raising children that are also part dragon. For the life of him though, Azulon could never figure out why Ozai was losing so many of his baby teeth in human and dragon form. Even when he died he didn’t know. (Ozai was trying to fly with Iroh and kept slamming down against the ground because he wasn’t ready to yet)

7. Ursa once broke her wing and landed in the middle of the forest. She blames Ozai for it because he’s the one who was so sure the storm would pass and they wouldn’t have to fly through it (spoiler alert: they had to fly through it)

8. After the war, a joke ran through the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe that the members of the royal family came from/laid eggs (being dragons and all). When Zuko and Azula joined the team, they spent days listening to those jokes until the Gaang finally ran out of them.

[ahundredtimesover]

Belong (02) | MYG

Pairing: Yoongi x (f.) Reader

Genre/Tags: exes-to-lovers-to-exes-to-lovers; actress!OC x basketball coach!Yoongi; summer romance; “long” distance relationship; parallel timelines; angst, fluff, smut

Chapter (Series) Warnings: foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption & passing out, family drama, mention of sport injury; dreams & moving away; implied depression; basketball and acting talk; 2014 and 2022 Yoongi; shy and nonchalant cocky whipped Yoongi; explicit sexual content (straddling, kissing, penetrative sex) (18+)

Chapter Word count: 19k

Series Masterlist

Status: Complete

Series summary: Being an actor has always been your dream. Pursuing it meant many things - leaving the town where you grew up, distancing yourself from your family that had fallen apart, and saying goodbye to the man who made you feel what home was like. When you decide to finally return after being away for so long, you meet Min Yoongi again, and you’re reminded of the summer romance from 8 years ago with the college basketball superstar whose broken dream pushed you away. As you find yourself spending time with him, you’re left to wonder if love changes, if it gives second chances, or if it’s just another illusion that will hurt the both of you the second time around.

Listen to: Part of Me by The Coast; Loving You by Seafret || Playlist 🎶

A/N: Thank you to those who’ve taken interest and time to read this! I hope it gives you comfort as much as it did to me writing it. 

Present day 

Yoongi has a hard time suggesting where you could have coffee. A lot of the cafes that he could think of are the ones you both frequented. Too many memories, he thinks, like the specific drink and sandwich you’d order from each one, the table you always stayed at, and where you’d go after. 

That summer 8 years ago, you went to a cafe after your first kiss. Which was also the night you both met. You’d made out at Jungkook’s kitchen after a game of spin-the-bottle and after thinking that he didn’t want to stop kissing you, somehow spending time to get to know you was better. 

You stayed up until the staff kicked you out. Then he saw you again the next day, and then the next, and pretty much everyday after that. You watched his games and spent time with his friends. He went to your part of town and visited the Opera House where your mom used to take you. You indulged him by playing basketball with him in his favorite court and spent time at his father’s shop. He watched movies with you and ran famous lines together at your insistence. 

Somewhere in between all that, he kissed you. And then you kissed him, again and again until you had to go back to Seoul. That wouldn’t be your last.

This entire town has both of you in it with your 2 years together. It doesn’t help that he remembers a lot of things, even those that are trivial. And especially the more special ones, like the lighting store where he bought a lamp because yours broke, and he drove to Seoul first thing in the morning to give it to you with a box of cupcakes because you were worried about an exam. The little shops and parks and temples are there, too, as if they’re mocking him. 

It’s odd, trailing these streets where you both used to walk, his fingers only gingerly holding yours back then because you always walked just a little bit ahead, turning to the store windows to see what’s inside. He always held you loosely like that, he realizes now. Perhaps a part of him knew early on that you’re not meant to be held closely. 

Now, though, you both walk side by side. There are no fingers grazing or giggles filling the air. It’s a little more quiet, but the silence is welcomed. You’d spent a lot of those times together before, too, he recalls. 

Yoongi sees a cafe that opened just last year. This is new to both of you so it’s a safe choice. He leads you there and gives your orders on the counter. He returns with your drinks, as well as water and extra milk. He used to constantly tease you for your milk-with-coffee preference and always found it cute how you’d pout and make a disgusted face whenever you sipped his very bitter, no sugar americano. He catches himself before he passes his drink over to you. 

“Are you sure your dad doesn’t need you at the store?” You speak up first. “He seemed like he needed help.”

“He just wanted me to check the slabs of wood he purchased,” Yoongi responds. “People visit the shop to create their own pieces sometimes and he just wanted me to confirm that the quantity was okay.”

“Woodworking workshops, huh?” You say, remembering the poster on the window. “I assume that was your idea?”

Yoongi was always fascinated with furniture and he wanted to learn how to make them on his own. You suppose he learned after all these years.

“It was. I spent a lot of time there when I was recovering and wanted to sell what I was making,” he answers. “I was pretty sure other people would enjoy that kind of thing. It’s good business.”

“It is. And the place still looks so alive. It’s nice to know that hasn't changed.”

“A lot of things here haven’t,” he responds. “People included.”

“I agree. My sisters are still unbearable, my father still doesn’t confront them, my stepmom still doesn’t know how to act around all of us,” you chuckle bitterly. “I mean, not like I expected anything after seeing them for the first time in years.”

“Well, the shop’s always open if you need a place to go to after being with them,” he offers. “I manage it sometimes. Dad’s getting older and needs to be scolded to get some rest.”

“He still looks pretty sharp and strong to me,” you say. “And just as warm.”

“A little stubborn, too, but I guess he got that from me.”

You giggle and Yoongi mirrors it. He almost forgot how it felt like to make you laugh and smile, and it honestly still feels pretty good. 

“He asked if I’d seen you and I said I did,” you continue, knowing you might be entering unspeakable territory but you go on. “I told him you look well and he said you’re doing good. I’m really glad you are, Yoongi. I… I’m happy to know that basketball is in your life again.”

You shoot him an apologetic look for bringing it up. Dealing with the injury was hard for him. So was recovering from it. You’d learned that trying to get back on the court without the fear of him getting hurt again was tougher. You watched him fall apart over it, and it took a lot for you to move on from how your relationship fell apart because of it, too. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to be sorry about it,” he assures you, seeing as how you panicked a little after mentioning it. It means a lot to him, though, knowing what you think. He’s been well, he can finally say that. “I figured it out somehow. I didn’t need to be playing on the court, I just needed to be around it. Coach Yang needed an assistant a few years ago and he reached out. He eventually retired and wanted me to take over. It made the most sense.”

“Do you still play, though?”

“Sometimes, when I feel like it. I shoot baskets during training with the kids and that seems to be enough for me,” he responds. “Seungkwan and the guys invite me to play some weekends but my knees don’t work the same as they did so I beg off sometimes.”

“Afraid you’d taint the image of the Captain, sweet assassin Min?” You tease, earning you an embarrassed look. 

“I can’t believe I allowed them to call me that,” he chuckles, covering his face with his hand. “That was horrible.”

“Hey, it was cute!” You insist. “And it has that mysterious vibe only for you to be this soft-hearted man who wouldn’t even hurt a fly.”

“Hey. Flies deserve to live.”

Yoongi plays it cool, not wanting to show any reaction to you complimenting his college moniker. He used to hate it but you loved it. He started appreciating it after that.

You laugh again. Even if he says things seriously like he always does, you know he’s giggling deep down. 

“You’ve been well, too,” he fills the silence. “I mean, you don’t seem to be running out of projects. Didn’t you just star in a movie last year? And then you had a series right away?”

“The film release was delayed a bit,” you answer, not wanting to dwell on him being updated. “But yeah, things haven’t really stopped. My mindset is still to get whatever comes my way, you know? Of course, my manager advises me. But I don’t think I’m at that stage yet where I could be picky over what opportunities come, whether as a supporting role or a lead. I haven’t… had the big break yet. That's why I don’t really stop working.”

“Well, if it means anything, everything you’ve starred in has been great,” he remarks, surprising you. “And after your latest series, I think you just proved that you’re versatile. I think that big break is right around the corner.”

“You… you watch my stuff?” You stammer. 

You never really thought about whether he did or not, but suddenly, the fact that he does makes your head spin.

“My dad makes it a date,” he says. “We go to the theater when you have a movie and we have dinner in his house while watching an episode. It’s kinda embarrassing sometimes how much of a fan he is of you.”

“What? I think it’s sweet,” you giggle, feeling your cheeks warm. “I adore your dad so much. It’s pretty special when someone I care about is a fan. I mean, at least I converted my nieces into fans. My stepmom, too. And then hearing the guys last night… It was really touching.”

Yoongi decides against inserting himself. He doesn’t know what it’d look like if he tells his ex-girlfriend that he’s a fan of hers, too. 

“It suits you. Having admirers, I mean,” he wonders out loud. “You always had this charm. It comes through the screen. You were always meant for this, you know that, right? And the people who truly care about you see that. They’ll always believe in you. I do.”

If it was just any other day or one you’d spent scolding Taehyung, Yoongi’s words wouldn’t hit you as much. But after the day you’ve had, you suppose you’re bound to get this emotional. A part of you just hoped that you didn’t have to break down in front of your ex-boyfriend. But here you are.

Yoongi’s faith in you never wavered. You remember the first time you met and stayed at a cafe then talked until you got kicked out, you told him all about your dream of making it big in the industry. You told him about your dream roles and that you eventually want to run acting workshops that included mentorship for those who didn’t have a good support system. He let you talk and was very straightforward with his words but they were always so comforting. Short and precise but they always meant a lot. Today isn’t an exception.

You don’t even notice that you’re crying until you feel a napkin on your cheek, and you take it from him to wipe the tears yourself. 

“I’m so sorry,” you sniff, momentarily stopping when you remember all the times when he wiped your tear-stained cheeks himself. “I just…”

“It’s fine, we don't have to talk about it.” 

“It just means a lot. That’s all,” you tell him. 

There’s a lot you want to say - like being reminded of all the things that changed in your family after your mom left, wishing that your sisters didn’t resent you and that they’d forgive you after all this time, hoping you were strong enough to forge a real relationship with your father, missing your mom even if you see her every year and talk to her every month, accepting that things wouldn’t get any better when it came to your family.

There’s a lot of hopes and what-ifs in your life. The man sitting in front of you is one of them. 

Yoongi had big dreams like you - play basketball professionally, make it to the national team… But things don’t always work out the way we want, and despite what he had to go through, you knew he kept on going, living as though there was still more he could do; he just had to find that drive in him again, and it’s one of the reasons why things ended for the both of you. 

But that’s also precisely why being with him always gave you so much comfort. He was always so brave for dreaming and he worked so hard on his craft; his courage and passion pushed you even more. You’d met him at a time when all you had was your dream and a handful of people around who cheered you on. 

It was admittedly scary. Anyone can say they want to be an actress. A lot of people who try don’t make it. You were one of many who either wouldn’t make a dent in the industry or one of very few who’d eventually be a part of it. You didn’t know if your hard work would one day pay off. You didn’t know if it would all  be worth it, but on that first night when you met Yoongi, you saw the fear and courage behind his seemingly disinterested exterior. 

He came to life when he talked about basketball and his love for the sport and it mirrored your love for your craft. It was hard, he’d said. He suffered through ankle and knee injuries in high school from playing and a bicycle accident after he tried to chase his mom when she left, but he pushed through. 

“There’s no other way through a bump in the road but to go over it,” he’d told you once. “And you go through it with people believing that you’ll get through it. And you will.”

He knew it was hard for you, not having what was left of your family to support your dream and being away from your mom, the one remaining who did. Yoongi never made you feel alone. He went to the Opera House with you to watch local shows and then cooked you makchang because he was apparently very good at it. He didn’t have to tell you that you could choose your family, that you could decide who gets to be part of your home, but you knew it. He made sure you’d never forget. 

For him to tell you that he still believes in you means so much more when you think about all the years that've passed by and all the times you felt like you weren’t good enough. Somehow you know, he’ll always believe you are. 

You think back to what you told Taehyung, about wanting to let the man you loved know that you’re good and happy and living your dream. That he did what he did so you could have this. And that maybe, all the hurt was worth it. 

The silence isn’t terrifying nor is it awkward. As you try to gain composure, Yoongi just sits in front of you, his eyes not looking straight into yours. His small nods tell you that he’s just there, that you can continue to be this way if it helps you feel better. 

“Aside from all the family drama though, all is well,” you finally say. “My place in the city is nice, I get to attend these cool events, I’ve met some of my heroes, starred alongside a few of them… I got to immerse myself in the characters and feel their emotions and tell their stories.”

“It’s a lot of things you’ve always wanted. ___,” he says, his smile so genuine you feel like crying again. “I always knew it was going to be worth it. I don’t think I would’ve done things differently all those years ago.”

“Your encouragement lasted me years, Yoongi,” you respond. “With what happened, I now know you had to make that decision for us. Because I wouldn’t have been able to.”

“You had to pursue your dream, ___. And I had to remember what mine was,” he laments. “Those things matter, you know? When something important in our life breaks, another part has to remain whole to fill those cracks.”

Yoongi’s words come from a place of hurt, something you understand. 

It was on the third day after you met when you told him about your mom, how she was a ballerina and wanted to perform with the most prestigious company in the most beautiful theaters in the world. She did, only for a while though. Her career was cut short and then she had a family, but the dream felt incomplete, and the home she created stopped being enough. She left Daegu when she got an offer to hold classes for that same prestigious company in Paris, leaving a hole in your heart that your own dream filled up, and somehow, that’s what made you forgive her.

She kept in contact with you, paid for your college education, and supported you in all ways. She reminded you that it was okay to dream, and though she’d always regret how she achieved hers, she told you that it was important to surround yourself with people who’d dream your dream with you.

That same day, Yoongi told you about his mother, how she’d lived in this town her whole life and just wanted to be out in the big city. She tried to leave - several times - but she always chose to stay. Until she didn’t. She used to bring Yoongi to basketball practice and watch his high school games. He wanted to continue playing because after she left, the sport made him feel enough, it made him feel complete. It was the one thing he felt he wasn’t ever going to lose. 

When something important in our life breaks, another part has to remain whole to fill those cracks. 

Even with the heartbreak, he was who you needed at that time. You think now that you’ll always be grateful that he did what he did. Somehow, he kept your dream whole for you. And he tried to put back the pieces to make his own dream whole as well.

“Are they treating you well out there?” He asks after a while. “Are the people surrounding you good?”

“They are,” you beam. “Jin is great. We kept in touch even when his career took off. Hoseok, my agent and manager, is so supportive. He really challenges me and respects me as an artist and that means a lot, you know? And Jimin’s my personal assistant - a best friend and brother and mother all in one. I owe a lot to them, too.”

Yoongi smiles, appreciative of all the people who’ve been taking care of you all these years, especially after he broke your heart. 

“Oh, and the guys as well,” you add. “Namjoon and Jungkook kept in touch. It’s… well, it’s how I knew that you took time away from basketball and that you became a coach. They still adore you, those two. That’s never gonna change.”

“Yeah, they always remind me,” Yoongi chuckles. “They check up on me and my dad all the time. Honestly, they made sure I wouldn’t lose my love for the game. It annoyed me at one point but looking back, if they hadn’t, I would’ve completely lost that part of me that was keeping me together.”

“Basketball will always be a part of you, Yoongi,” you point out. “In whatever form you do it, you’ll always be good at it.”

“Well, the dream changed a bit but it’s still there,” he replies. “I won’t say it's as big as it was but you know, I have gentle dreams, too. I’ve come to find those to be just as important.”

“What are those gentle dreams?”

“Simple stuff,” he hums. “Having coffee every morning, watching the kids I coach improve and be better people, being with my dad and seeing his eyes light up every time people visit the store. That… that last bit is the most important one, I guess. You know how the shop just became a means of survival for him at some point.”

“Well, he talks about it now with so much sparkle in his eyes,” you giggle. “It’s like he’s so excited about running the shop again.”

“He is. I suggested the woodworking workshop some time ago to get more people coming in. He really likes talking to them about furniture,” he says. “My brother lives a bit farther out and he has a family to take care of. And after my dad lived through the angry, upset, completely detached version of myself, being with him now as much as I am means a lot to both of us.”

“Those are what’s keeping you whole now, then?”

“Mostly, yeah,” he hums. “You can have a lot of these little dreams, too, and they fill the cracks the same way. They’ve been enough all these years.”

“And you’re happy, right? You’re happy here?”

It takes a while but he answers, with that same calm and accepting look of his, as if finally, he’s reached this point. And he looks damn proud of it.

“I am, ___. I’m finally happy here.”

You see Yoongi again the next day.

You’d had lunch with your grandparents who looked really happy to see you. They were quite neutral all those years ago, not really knowing how to handle the whole situation because they, too, were upset at your mom for leaving their son. When you left, they acted a little bitterly but you know they tried to be gentle and accommodating during your succeeding visits. They didn’t really reach out when you stopped coming home.

But the mix of guilt and joy in their eyes from earlier was something that affected you. They realized that so many years have passed them by and life is too short, as they get older and start to get weaker. They said that they wished they’d driven out to Seoul to see you; maybe then you could feel that your family is proud of you. 

It was a lot to handle, as it wasn’t something you were prepared for. But you managed to keep your emotions at bay, only letting a few of the tears fall once you got inside your car.

You drive to the antique shop immediately. You'd seen a couple of really nice vases that you want to gift your grandparents, planning to instruct their caretakers to make sure there are fresh flowers everyday. 

A part of you is hoping you’d see Yoongi there, remembering after yesterday how it felt like to be with him to just talk about things, or feel things, or savor things. After that afternoon, you felt some form of closure over the past years since your breakup, something you hadn’t realized you needed. 

There was no need for that when things ended. He made it pretty clear why he thought it was better to stop trying, and though it broke your heart in ways that were difficult to repair, you understood. 

Talking with him yesterday felt like putting an old hidden photo in a frame and placing it on the topmost shelf in your home. There’s so much value in it, so many memories that you treasure, and there’s still so much to gain from being able to see it, even if you won’t have that moment or that joy ever again. 

You enter the shop and wait behind a customer who’s inquiring about refurbishing a vintage dresser that he has. Yoongi gladly discusses the specifications with the client, knowing that his dad will be excited about this project. 

You watch him listen intently and have bursts of smiles in long intervals as he gets more information. His long hair frames his face nicely. You like how it highlights his soft features, making him look more gentle than you’re used to. 

The way your heart races at the sight of him should be a little alarming. This isn’t a man you should be attracted to again, even if you convince yourself that you’re merely appreciating his beauty. It’s like gazing at that hidden old photo that’s now displayed on the shelf and admiring how he looks in it. You don’t want to think of any other implications. After yesterday, it’s been enough just being able to get comfort from him. It’s been enough knowing that you’ve both moved on well and are happy where you are. 

The customer leaves and you approach the counter. “Hey,” you say.

“___,” he looks up, worriedly. “Were you with your family again?

“Yeah, but don’t worry,” you assure him. “It was just with my grandparents. It was harmless but just a little sad. I was hoping to get them some vintage flower vases.”

“Ah, right, we’ve got a few,” he says, taking out some pieces from the back and from one of the shelves inside. He places them on the counter for you to assess. “You can inspect them and see what you like.”

He helps you choose, and then helps you contact a local flower shop to arrange regular deliveries to your grandparents’ house, and then gives his no-holds-barred review of each Italian restaurant in town so you can decide where to meet up with your drama class teacher for dinner in 2 days.

Pretty soon, it’s nearing 5:00 and the shop is about to close. Yoongi takes the vases and helps you load them in your car, and as a thank you for his help, you offer to treat him out to coffee.

“You sure?” He asks. “You don’t need to. You helped the business, you know that right?”

“I do,” you chuckle. “But it’s not just a thank you for the vases but for yesterday, too, and the other day.”

Yoongi gives in, knowing that coffee with you is pretty harmless. He disregards the fact that he still has to try so hard to not be affected by your beauty every time you’re in close proximity, and it doesn’t matter if he’s finding comfort in your presence again, which should be quite scary. He always liked being around you; your charm and energy were so infectious and he’s been without those for a long time. He trusts himself enough that he wouldn’t fall hard again or want something that neither of you can give. 

You find a cafe, which you eventually leave after someone recognizes you, so you separate briefly and then meet up at a park to sit on the benches. You mention being in town for 2 months and he says that the basketball season will start soon after that. You talk a bit more, about random things, really, like behind the scenes dirt on your shows and movies, and the juicy details of their university's faculty, until you’re both analyzing rumors. 

Some street food quells your hunger, and it’s not long after when you’re walking back to your car, knowing that your day ends here. It’s a good one, you think, as you look at him before you drive away - hands in his pockets, soft eyes, and his shy laughter when you wave goodbye and thank him for the vases once more.

You see him again for the next week and a half. You meet up with Taehyung during drinking nights with the guys, which always includes Yoongi, and you drop by the antique shop after spending 4 separate days with your family; he happens to be there every time. 

It’s short chats during those days, with your best friend not-so-discreetly eyeing you. The teasing still persists, but you and Yoongi have learned to answer back without dwelling on the remarks. You like that it isn’t awkward, that even after all this time, both of you can live with what happened and still be good friends after. It’s what your relationship was built on, after all; despite the initial attraction, it was your post-make out conversation that showed you just how wise and dependable he is.

It’s been 2 weeks since you’ve been home and the Seoul Thunders are back for another game. They lose this time, and even after the Pegasus’ cute player number 16 asks for your number, you’re more interested in the after party instead of his text message. 

You’re in Jungkook’s house again and given the results, he and Namjoon want to drink away the frustration. They urge everyone else to do so, too. 

Yoongi’s tolerance for alcohol has always been high. He did spend a lot of his early college years drinking with his dad - a habit the old man developed - but that’s what got him to stop. He doesn’t want his son to take after him, he always said. 

But Yoongi not only knows how to pace himself, he also knows his body. Unlike you and Taehyung, as he learned a long time ago. 

“So, uhm, who’s gonna stop Taehyung from doing stupid things now that he’s drunk?” Yoongi asks as he stands next to you, watching the young man’s glassy eyes as he laughs at the guys doing some weird dance.

“Uh, me?” You turn to him, frowning. “I’m perfectly fine.”

He looks at your dazed out face and knows it’s gonna be a long night.

“You don’t look perfectly fine, ___,” Yoongi hums. 

“I am. And I can hold my liquor,” you argue. “Remember that time we finished a whole bottle of whiskey? Well, I drank ¾ of it.”

You definitely did not but Yoongi chuckles, letting you believe that version of the story you want. 

To prove a point, you attempt to chug the cocktail that you’re holding but he pulls on your wrist halfway through to keep you from finishing the drink.

“Hey, you’ve reached your limit, ___. You’re gonna have a terrible headache in the morning.”

“Don’t care,” you mumble. It’s a few beats after when you say, “fuck I shouldn’t have drank that.”

“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” he shakes his head playfully. “Come on, I’ll take you—”

Your head falling on his shoulder disrupts him, and other than you not being drunk enough to collapse on him, he’s thankful that most of the people are, so there are at least no photos nor remarks when he puts his hand on your waist to walk you over to Taehyung.

“Hey, we have to bring her home,” Yoongi tells him. “Can you key in her address or tell me the directions?”

Taehyung’s eyes widen before he laughs. “I don’t know her address. I only know the way when the sun’s out. It’s in a pretty secluded area.”

“Well shit,” Yoongi groans. “Let’s bring you both to your house then.”

“No!” He yells. “I’m drunk and my mom will make me do chores again if I go home like this.”

“Well then what am I gonna do with both of you?” Yoongi huffs. “Everyone here is useless.”

Taehyung just stares at him, hazy eyes saying he might pass out soon, too, so Yoongi does what he thinks is the only way to make sure that both of you get proper rest away from this mess. He orders Taehyung to drink 2 glasses of water and instructs him to go to your other side and bring you over to his car.

You’re seated at the back, your head resting on Taehyung’s shoulder as he goes in and out of conversation with Yoongi. 

His place isn’t far so you all arrive not long after, and he’s thankful that his unit has a private entrance in the complex where he lives. 

Taehyung is mobile enough to help you get inside the apartment. Seeing you shiver reminds Yoongi that you get cold easily and the wind picked up the other day, so he takes one of his hoodies and puts it over you to make sure you’re warm enough for the night. He tucks you in and then tucks Taehyung in, chuckling at the younger man’s mumbling. 

This isn’t the first time he’s had to take care of both of you. He recalls that first time years ago when he took you to Taehyung’s house and made sure you were both in bed. He remembers the events after, too, so he tries to shake the memory off his mind. 

Things have changed since then and he convinces himself you’re both no longer the same people as you were before. Even if things seem to be following a pattern - the universe’s sick way of mocking him, perhaps - he’s not delusional to think that they would lead you both down the same road. He knows how that ended, after all, and he ended it so heartbreakingly. 

It doesn’t change the fact that he’s happy to be able to do things for you again. Even before you two got together so quickly like two lovestruck teenagers, he liked being able to drive you around and cook your favorite food for you. It was always how he liked to show you that he cared. Yoongi was only good with words that remained in his head. He wasn’t always the best at expressing what he means through them, except that one time when they meant to break your heart. 

This is fine, he repeats the words in his head. There’s no use denying that he cares about you, and after all these years, he thinks that showing you that he still does is one way to make it up to you.

The constant thrumming of your head forces you awake, making things hazy for you, especially as you try to figure out whose room this is because it definitely isn’t yours, nor is it Taehyung’s. You check your clothes - all there - and immediately recognize the scent of the jacket you’re wrapped in. 

Suddenly you’re dizzier. You stand up in panic to head out the door, only to trip on a body that’s lying on the floor. Taehyung lets out his familiar groan and cusses you out, and as you’re about to cuss him back, you feel the bile come up your throat and you start to gag. You shouldn’t have stood up that quickly earlier. 

You run out the door and thankfully see the bathroom on your left. You’re glad you make it to the toilet before your puke explodes all over the floor, and you’re left kneeling, holding the sides for dear life as you vomit all the alcohol not absorbed from last night. 

You suffer through the pain of gagging it all out but just then, you feel your hair being pulled from your sides until it’s being tied into a bun, making it easier for you to do your business. You know from the humming that it’s Yoongi next to you, even more when he starts rubbing circles on your back.

You finish shortly after and flush the toilet before he sees it then you immediately stand up, eyes wide and hand covering your mouth.

“Is this your place?” You ask, voice garbled.

“Yeah, unfortunately,” he chuckles. 

“Why are we here?”

“Taehyung didn’t want Mrs. Kim to see him drunk and he didn’t know your address so here you are,” he smiles. “It’s all I can offer but here,” he adds, handing you some makeup wipes. “There’s the spare toothbrush and the towel is on the bottom shelf. Water and aspirin are on the bedside table. I’ll just make lunch, okay?”

All you get to do is nod. He nods in return then heads out to leave you on your own. You’re in shock the whole time you clean yourself up. This isn’t new territory to either of you but regardless, the fact that you’re in your ex-boyfriend’s place after a night of drinking makes you just a tad bit worried. 

You exit the bathroom and look around Yoongi’s apartment. It’s nice and simple. Every piece has a purpose. There’s still that tinge of coziness, though, like the comfy-looking sofa bed that he seems to have slept on last night.

Your eyes focus on him with his back turned, cooking what smells like French toast and some bacon. He’s wearing joggers and an oversized shirt, a usual outfit that always made him feel comfy during the times you’d wrap yourself around him. 

“Do you still like having cinnamon on your toast?” He turns around to ask.

You nod in response.

“Okay. Coffee’s on the pot. Milk’s on the counter,” he says. “I’m not sure if  you’re okay with the brand but it was the only one available at the convenience store.”

“Did you just buy it this morning?” You ask as you take a seat on the bar stool to watch him work around the kitchen. 

“Yeah.”

You’re reminded that Yoongi doesn’t drink his coffee with milk. He used to stack the fridge with cartons of it in his college apartment because he knew you liked it. You’re reminded as well of all the things he knows about you, seeing that your French toast is the only one with cinnamon, and that your maple syrup is placed in a sauce dish because you prefer to dip than have it poured.

The way he paid attention to you was one reason why you fell as hard as you did. He’d remember details and stories. He wouldn’t hold your hand when you were seated or in bed because you gesticulate when you speak; he’d held it loosely when you were out since you tend to wander away and look at store windows because you were always curious and always looking “at the pretty things,” you’d said, like vintage dresses and flowers.

He told you all this once when you asked him if he’s not a hand-holder. He didn’t know, he told you then, but he always liked just watching you do what you want, whether close to him or not, and you should’ve known then that that’s the kind of person he’ll always be. 

Yoongi arranges the dishes on the dining table, and that’s when Taehyung exits the bedroom with his messy hair and half-closed eyes. 

“Hey,” you greet him.

“So… I had this crazy dream that Yoongi tucked me in bed and I told him I hate him for breaking your heart,” he sleepily smiles. “That felt really good.” 

“Uh, not so sure that was a dream, bud,” you chuckle, trying to mask your slight panic because what if you said something? 

“No, it was. It felt so real but in what world would the Captain tuck me in bed?” 

“In the real world,” Yoongi deadpans. “The one where you were drunk again and didn’t want me to take you home.”

Taehyung rubs his eyes and dramatically gasps. “Did I really—”

“Tell me you hate me?” Yoongi turns to him. “Yup. You repeated it a lot of times, actually.”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Taehyung says, with an adorable boxy smile on display. “I meant it though.”

“I know. I’d hate me, too,” Yoongi replies nonchalantly, his words suddenly increasing the tension in the room tenfold. 

“Did… did I say anything?” You ask.

“You?” He holds your look before he chuckles. “Nope. You were an oddly quiet drunk last night.”

“Yah! Don’t scare me like that!” You frown. 

“What would you have said that would scare you if I heard it?” He arches his eyebrow. 

“Industry secrets,” you answer back. 

“Well, none of those,” he assures you. “You just hugged all the pillows when you laid in bed and left me with none.”

“What! Oh god. Yoongi! You should’ve taken one from me!” You groan. “You like your pillows.”

“It’s fine. You like your pillows, too,” he shrugs. “I was gonna take the other one from Taehyung but he drooled on it already so… yeah.”

“You’re such a terrible guest,” you tell your best friend. “You have to make it up to Yoongi.”

“I will, I will,” Taehyung sighs. “Dinner in that fancy Japanese restaurant on me. What about you? What will you do for him?”

“Nothing,” Yoongi says before you can say anything. “There’s no need for that.”

You smile at him, appreciating how good he’s been to you and your best friend. This isn’t the first time he’s done this but he never complained. Even when you’d drink, he always just let you be and took care of you when you couldn’t manage yourself. And he always seemed to know what to do after. That hasn’t changed, as evidenced by the meal in front of you and the hangover soup that he serves on bowls from the pot. 

“Do you guys need anywhere to be today? I can drive,” Yoongi offers.

“Great! I’m gonna do errands with my mom in the afternoon,” Taehyung answers. 

“I… don’t. I’ll probably just stay home,” you respond. 

Yoongi nods and declines your offer to help clean up in the kitchen despite your insistence. You stay with him while Taehyung fixes up in the bathroom, not wanting to think of how familiar this all feels. 

Days at his old college apartment usually went something like this - waking up to Yoongi’s cooking and his insistence on cleaning up. You used to always hug him from the back and kiss him nonstop until he gave in and let you help out, but that bit isn’t something you can do anymore. You never told him that you hate doing the dishes; you only share in the work because you like being close to him as often as possible, and the domesticity of it made you feel like the home that you missed.

Your best friend finishes and it’s not long after when you’re both in the car. Taehyung is dropped off first, then you key in your address on Yoongi’s phone. 

“This is the last time you’re gonna need to save us,” you chuckle as you watch your best friend scurry to his front door. “We’re so sorry, Yoongi, and thank you.”

“I don’t mind,” he hums. “It’s been nice, actually. You were away for a long time and I’ve liked knowing how you’ve been.”

You’re unable to respond and the silence prompts him to ask, “I’m sorry, was that weird?”

“No, not at all,” you say too quickly. “To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act around you. But then I thought, what happened between us happened for a reason. And it was hard on me and maybe for you, too, and—”

“It was,” he interjects. More than you’ll ever know. 

“I guess I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been okay,” you continue. “That this is me today and the decisions I made in the past brought me here.”

“It’s the same with me,” he says. “It was tough but things worked out somehow. I… I almost gave up on basketball, you know? It was hard for a long time.”

“I’m so sorry, Yoongi,” you say, holding back your tears. 

You knew it was. He wasn’t always open about it; some things are too painful to talk about, especially when it’s about how much of yourself you’re losing as each day goes by. For all his bluntness, you learned that the one thing Yoongi wouldn’t talk about is his own pain. It’s why things went downhill for both of you then.

Somehow you knew that he just wanted to protect you from it, but the thought that he didn’t want to share it with you and didn’t let you help him cope with it hurt the most. But you also don’t blame him for wanting to do it on his own. You lived too far apart, and you were both in different stages of your respective lives.

“The injury wasn’t your fault, ___. Nor was how I handled it. There’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Okay,” you mumble. “I’m just glad you’re better now. And it’s been nice for me, too, knowing how you’ve been. I feel like it’s closure to our closure, you know?” You chuckle. 

“It is,” he smiles. 

The short silence doesn’t bother you much, and the previous conversation is what prompts you to ask what he did before his coaching career. 

He worked at his dad’s antique shop after you left, he says. They both created a bunch of pieces that they sold online; he was the one who set up the store for that. He picked up playing the piano again, too. He used to go to lessons, you remember him telling you once. He stopped after his mother left but it became a good distraction from a lot of things, he recalls. He needed to be constantly doing something with his hands to deal with the frustration over not being able to play basketball anymore. He took up free online classes to supplement his computer science degree, and he offered his services to small businesses in the area to help them digitize. 

“Getting back on my feet helped in getting back to basketball,” he adds. “I didn’t watch or read anything about it for some time but then something came up on TV and I just missed it so suddenly. I began commenting on college basketball articles after that and that’s when coach Yang reached out to me for that assistant coach position then he retired last year. And now I’m here.”

“Well, thanks to whatever it was on TV then,” you smile. “Basketball always meant so much to you.”

Yoongi hums, as he recalls those incredibly tough years. It was already hard without you, but he supposes that was on him. He let much of his pain drown him and push you away, but he always believed he did what he had to do, not only for himself, but most especially for you.

He’s about to ask about your projects after you left but the map alerts him that your house is just on the right. 

“This is me,” you say. 

It’s at the end of the road and surrounded by bamboo trees. He can imagine how peaceful it is inside, just as you like. 

You always said that despite the joy you get from being around people and the hustle and bustle of the big city, you crave the quiet on some days. It’s where you get your energy from, you said that first night you met. Somehow Yoongi knew that you two, despite how different you both seemed, were compatible in that sense. And that proved true - you often hung out at quaint cafes, lounged around in some park, and would spend a whole day in bed or on his couch, just cuddling. 

“Oh, okay,” he hums. “Get some re—”

“Do you want to come inside?” You ask, surprising him. 

In the few seconds that he doesn’t respond, you start to doubt yourself. Hearing him talk about what he went through cracks your heart a little bit, but something about his usual calm demeanor and accepting tone makes you want to hear him again and be in his presence.

It’s self-serving, you realize now. Everyday you’re reminded why you’re no longer with him reminds you of what you lost. That you walked away from him and that he didn’t make you stay are both truths, and at least on your end, you try hard not to regret what you did - leaving, not coming back, and moving on from him. Ironically, being with him these past weeks tells you that if at the end of it, Yoongi got to pick up the pieces and feel proud of it, then whatever it is you lost may have been worth it. 

He’s well and happy. It’s been 6 years since you’ve last been a part of his life. All that he is now no longer has anything to do with you. You want to dwell in the thought to sustain your acceptance of your reality that’s without him. Coming back home could trigger other thoughts, after all.

“Sure,” he answers, surprising you now. 

You nod and exit the car, open the gate, and let him park inside.

The house is a one-floor cottage with a mix of modern and chic interiors. It feels so you, and Yoongi isn’t surprised that this is the place you chose. You leave him on the patio with some biscuits and juice while you take a quick shower.

Yoongi looks around and takes in the quiet. He wishes he has a space like this even if he wasn’t always the type to lay outdoors and just enjoy the breeze. You always were. You’re the only reason why he ever really went outside other than to play basketball. After you left, he didn’t have any desire to do so. 

His version of peace is being on his couch or massage chair, listening to music, and drifting in and out of sleep. You used to keep him wide awake - with your musings, your sweet laughter, and the way you always squeezed yourself against his body, cuddling him as if he’s the softest being in the world, and he’ll never understand it. 

Being apart from you for 6 years somehow pushed him back to how life was without you, although bits of you and life with you remained in him. With you here now, it’s like he’s remembering those 2 years - of love, of being carefree, of letting the light of you seep in. He could’ve thought it was a dream. Hearing your voice this much reminds him it isn’t.

He hears your footsteps and he opens his eyes. You’re in lounge pants and a sweatshirt. The wind has picked up and you look comfortable. You place the board of  cheese, cold cuts, and crackers on the table in between his chair and yours. You go back inside and then walk out with more juice and a teapot.

“Dig in,” you say. 

Yoongi pops a slice of salami in his mouth and proceeds to slice the cheese in small and big sizes. You like to cover the entire cracker with it, and the thought makes you sneak in a smile that he doesn’t notice.

“So what were your projects like?” He starts.

Your conversation goes on for hours that you don’t notice passing by. You share how auditions and table readings go, what your normal day during filming is like, the anxiety before premieres, and attending big events with your childhood heroes.

You talk about the hard times, too - not getting callbacks, barely having lines, the physical and emotional strain of some roles, and the cruelty of the media. You mention the favors that producers would ask of you for a big project, and you don’t miss the way Yoongi’s face hardens at the stories. You assure him you were fine and that your manager made sure you wouldn’t be taken advantage of, but that you’re proud of how for the most part, you were able to stand your ground. 

“You taught me that, I guess,” you giggle. “You’re worth more than any role,” you mimic, as his words echo in your head. “I never forgot.”

“Don’t. Ever,” he responds. “If there’s anything of me that’ll stay with you, make sure it’s that.”

He means well, but it feels like the universe’s cruel reminder of what you had to lose to get to where you are. 

You nod and whisper, “I won’t.”

The sun starts to set and it’s what prompts him to get going. You’ll return his jacket soon, you tell him, then walk him back to his car and wave goodbye. 

You lie awake that night, unable to sleep. You don’t know how to deal with wanting to see him another time. You don’t know if the joy whenever you do stems from the knowledge that he’s doing okay or because you’re with him again and able to see him smile and hear him laugh. 

You don’t know if the tranquility you feel comes from living in a house that reeks of it and if the lowered anxiety you feel when you’re about to see your family is because you’ve become indifferent, or because Yoongi’s presence just makes you feel safe, it makes you feel welcomed. It makes you feel that in this town, there’s one other person who cares deeply about you. Everyday since seeing him again, that’s all you’ve felt - his gentleness and his unrelenting care.

“So, uh, what happened to hi and goodbye?”

Jimin’s sweetness is one you appreciate so much, especially as your personal assistant who needs to keep you grounded and also distracted. But his knowing, slightly disappointed look isn’t one you like at all.

You act innocent as you ask over the screen what he means.

“Well, let me answer it for you,” he sighs. “That plan sucked! I don’t even know why you thought it was a good one and that you’ll even sustain it. Clearly, sleeping at his place and then inviting him over to yours are way off the mark. Are we having a change of heart, my dear? Should I drive over there and stop you?”

“Why would you stop me?”

“Excuse me? What do you mean, why would I?” He gasps. 

If he had the heart for it, he could really become an actor. 

“I don’t have to remind you of the last time you were in that town, ___. I mean, I wasn’t there but drunk you gave me the lowdown too many times and I am committed to making sure you don’t get your heart broken again. He clearly still has an effect on you.”

“Insofar as reminding me that my dreams are valid and that I’m important and cared for? Yes, Yoongi still affects me very much,” you counter. “And I don’t see that as a problem.”

“The fact that he’s your ex and that you loved him greatly isn’t a problem?” He gasps again. “In what world is that not a problem? Please enlighten me.”

“In a world where I understand why we had to break up and where he’s moved on and so have I and we’re adults who can clearly move on from things and talk about our past like mature, non-horny individuals,” you recite in one breath. “It exists, you know?”

“Okay, I’m going to ignore the opposite of your implication of adding non-horny because that means there’s a possibility of horny,” Jimin groans. “You’re an adult, I don’t need to tell you shit but please, please be careful. I know you.”

“What does that mean!” You frown.

“It means I know your brain has to constantly make justifications for every action you make and once it does, you hold onto it,” he replies. “Why you continue to see him is obviously based on some reason you have that may be justifiable and that’s just gonna push you to keep seeing him. And seeing him. Until who knows what’ll happen?”

“I’m actually not thinking of what happens after because I’m here just for the next 4 weeks,” you reason. “I’m here temporarily, just waiting to spend enough time with family so I’d stop feeling guilty about never visiting, and preparing myself for the next project that’ll come around. My brain doesn’t have the capacity to think of what will happen after here. There’s no here for me anymore.”

“Okay, whatever makes you sleep at night.”

“It does,” immediately catching yourself in a lie. You just aren’t in the right emotional space to question yourself. “Anyway, how are you? Are you enjoying your vacation?”

“Yes,” he smiles. “Busan was great and I ate a lot of food. I passed by the agency today, though.”

“Why?” You pout. “I clearly said, no work for you this entire 2 months!”

“I just sorted through your mail,” he answers. “My brother and I are in Seoul for a day before we fly to Hong Kong tomorrow and thought to just go through them so I won’t have to deal with 2 months’ worth when I get back.”

“Fine,” you sigh. “Anything interesting?”

“Usual letters and stuffed toys. There are some packages, too. I had security scan them and they’re all fine. You got roses as well. Most of them have withered, I’m sorry.”

“Oh, it’s okay,” you say. “Just roses?”

“Just roses,” he answers. “Were you expecting daisies? Didn’t you get them at the start of the series?”

The daisies, of course. You used to have them in your backyard in your old house and your mom would pluck one and put it on her ear and then one on yours. 

They’re so simple, though; you suppose no one knows it’s your favorite and you like it that way. You received a bouquet during your first ever movie premiere a few years ago, with just your name and nothing else. Daisies are often just supporting flowers to the bigger, brighter, and more beautiful ones, but somehow that makes them even more beautiful in your eyes. You never knew who it was from but the flowers come, every premiere, with no fail.

“Just wondered if they’re thinking of me and wanted to drop by some flowers,” you shrug. “I’ll go through the letters first thing when I get back.”

“Don’t want me to filter them?” He wonders.

“No need. I’ll be fine.”

You drop the call and plop back on your bed. It’s the second night of your 4-day stay at a little villa resort in the mountains with your family. It’s to celebrate your father and stepmom’s 10th anniversary and one of the reasons why you came home. They both asked for meals together and tonight, a renewal ceremony. Your sisters planned it out for them to have speaking roles, leaving you out, which you don’t really mind. 

They look like a close family, you think to yourself as you recall the past 2 days. Your stepmom talks to your sisters like her own daughters, and despite the resentment you have towards them because of their resentment towards you, you’re at least satisfied that they got to experience having a mother again. You know your mom took that away from them; she took it away from you, too, but you never held a grudge even though it hurt. 

Not everyone will understand and people will take things differently but seeing her achieve her dream as a ballet dancer and director of a prestigious company abroad pushed you to work towards your dream, too. And it’s not like she stopped trying. The rest of your family didn’t want her to be part of their lives anymore and resisted any attempts at still maintaining anything close to a relationship. 

Not you, though, as you remained in contact. You spent a summer break with her during your first year of university when she sent you to Paris for a month; she even let you take acting classes there while she worked. She’d visit Seoul and stay with you. You talk to each other regularly. You tell her about your projects and everything in between. You bond over your dreams and love for each other, and your heart will always be with her. Seeing your sisters get that love with someone else doesn’t hurt you as much. You’re glad they could at least feel that with another person.

Tonight might make you feel a little out of place but you’re ready for it. You dress up and walk to the garden and admire how beautiful it looks. Your father and stepmom look great, too, and you do your best to feel like you belong here, even if a big part of you knows that you don’t.

A place doesn’t always become foreign when you’ve been away for a while; it’s the people who make you feel like you’re not from there, like you’re not welcome. And even with just your sisters, they’re both enough to make you feel like this is no longer the place for you; they’re no longer the place for you.

You spend most of your time with your grandparents who thank you for the flowers that come every few days. The vases are wonderful, they say, and you make a mental note to ask Yoongi to let you know if new ones come in. 

You retire when they do, saying you’ll have an early morning trek to the mountain to watch the sunrise. Your father hugs you goodnight and thanks you for coming, and something in his eyes says he wants to say more, but he lets you go instead. 

The cool breeze makes you fall asleep easily, and it’s the next day before you know it. 

You savor the time alone of climbing the mountain. You’re with a local guide who follows your pace and tells you bits of information about the surroundings. Three hours later, you’re back in the resort to have breakfast with your family and swim in the pool, to your nieces’ request. You go to a temple in the afternoon and choose to lounge in one of the gardens on your own. You video call with Taehyung who’s on a trip as well, and wait until dinner with your family again.

Everyone chooses to go back to their rooms early, until your father knocks on your door and asks himself in.

You haven’t been alone with him for a long time. You were always the mommy’s girl, clinging to her like a koala; even when she left, you hung onto her like a lifeline. That was the difference, you thought. She was thousands of miles away but she always checked in, always asked how people were treating you, and flew to see you when she could. You remember how she was at your doorstep a week after you left Daegu for good. The distance and the heartbreak didn’t stop her from loving you. And so many times you wish that your father did.

“Is the place alright? Are you comfortable?” He asks as he sits on the chair, looking a little nervous.

“Yeah, it’s all nice and clean,” you respond. “The bed’s not too soft, which is good. Food is delicious, too.”

“Are… are you having fun?”

“Yeah. It’s a nice place. There’s lots to do,” you smile, finding yourself wanting to make him feel at ease for the first time. He’s been looking well and happy but always seems to have a sad look whenever he looks at you. “Congratulations again, father. I’m happy for both of you, and I mean it.”

His tears are immediate and you quickly walk up to him. “Is everything okay?” You ask worriedly.

“Yeah, I just…” he takes a hold of your hand on his shoulder, caressing it before he leans his head on it. “I’m just really happy you’re here. And I just wanted to say I’m sorry. It’s long overdue, I know. But I’m so sorry. I stopped checking in, I never protected you from your sisters, I let their anger and your pain fester. You stopped feeling loved at home to the point that you left, for good. And you didn’t want to come back.”

You’re left speechless and immobile at his words and his actions. You’ve wanted so long to hear them and now, you don’t know how to react or even how to process them. 

“It wasn’t all you, or my sisters,” you manage to respond after some time. You could at least be honest. “I mean, yeah, I was hurt. But I left to fulfill my dreams. I couldn’t go back because I didn’t know if you guys wanted me to. And because I… I had to move on from someone who was here. It was hard either way.”

“Is it that Yoongi guy?” He asks, looking up at you as he wipes his tears. “The college basketball star, wasn’t he? I heard he’s coaching the team now.”

“I suppose I mentioned him at one point,” you say, wondering how your father knew. 

It’s not like you wanted to keep your relationship a secret but it’s just not something you actually told him. Yoongi felt like home, and he wasn’t someone you wanted to share with the people who stopped feeling like home to you.

“You never did, actually,” your father says. “You’d sneak in at night when you were here for the summer. You… you were often out late and I’d be worried so I’d wait until you got back.”

“You knew that?” You gasp. “I… well, I’m sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. And I thought I was being quiet. Thanks for not getting mad, I guess.”

“It’s okay. You always had a smile on your face when you’d tiptoe back inside,” he chuckles, the memory somehow keeping him from crying more. “There was a spring in your step every time. I couldn’t get mad, not when he was why you’d stay the entire break. You seemed happy. And that was enough for me.”

You smile, partly for the memories of how you used to feel them; Yoongi made you feel like you belonged here, even when your family didn’t think so. But there’s also the thoughts of your father looking out for you all those years ago and how he was trying, even if you didn’t feel it at that time. 

“I’d come home some weekends,” you say after a while, the information a surprise to him. “Then we broke up. It was hard to come home after.”

“I figured,” he sighs. “I remember that one time you didn’t leave your room. I was gonna ask to go in but I heard you crying. You left 2 days after and that was the last time you were here. I wish I’d seen you more, you know?” He says, his sad eyes falling.

“Maybe if I was brave enough, I would’ve gone down there to make sure you were okay. I always planned on calling but I was so scared, I guess. And that’s stupid, right?” He continues as he cries again. “What kind of father gets scared to comfort his own child? But I was. I was a coward. I always was. And I have so many regrets - not working it out with your mom, not protecting you girls from the fallout, letting you go on thinking that I didn’t love you. I—”

His cries disrupt him, and he lets go of your hand to cover his face and control himself. You don’t know how to comfort him. Your own heart is breaking from his apology that you’ve been wanting but aren’t ready for. 

“It’s okay,” you try. “Whatever you were going through, I’m sure it was really difficult, too. It’s hard to be there for someone when we’re suffering ourselves.”

“But you’re my child. You’re my youngest daughter. I’m supposed to be there for you,” he insists. “I’ll always regret that I left you on your own, that I let you deal with a lot of things on your own.”

“But I wasn’t,” you say. “I… I had mom. She was far away but she was there. We’d talk all the time and she’d visit.”

The look your father gives you is one of relief and acceptance. You knew that despite everything, he didn’t resent her. He tried his hardest with her but once they stopped being happy together, he knew he couldn’t force her to stay nor leverage your family and hurt all of you even more in the process. But he’ll never blame her for the fallout or what has become of you and your sisters. 

“Do you still keep in touch with her?”

“I do,” you smile. “She calls every month but we text regularly. I’ve gone to see her in Paris a few times.”

“Is she doing well?” He asks. 

“Yes. Her students love her. Their shows are always sold out,” you say proudly. “She’ll be perpetually sorry for leaving but she’s happy and she deserves that, too. She wishes you well, and she’s glad that you’re with someone who loves you.”

“Good,” he cries again, no longer wiping them as they continue to fall. “That’s really good.”

He doesn’t say any more, but seeing that tinge of joy in his eyes tells you that she’ll always be the first person he loved and that he made a family with her, and broken it may be, it’s still a family he loves with his whole heart.

“I’m sorry for breaking down to you like this,” he chuckles. “I didn’t know if it was the right time but I just… I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”

“I’m here for another month, as you asked me to,” you remind him. “But thank you. And I’m sorry, too. I’ve also moved on from Yoongi. I’ve seen him a few times and I managed so I’m okay. I can’t promise when I’ll be back but it won’t take me another 6 years.”

“That sounds great,” he sighs in relief. “That sounds really great.”

You both stand up and hug again, but he holds you a little tighter. He whispers he loves you and that he’s proud of you, and then leaves. It’s right when the door closes that you break into a quiet sob. 

There are so many emotions that you can’t handle on your own. And for tonight, you don’t want to be going through this by yourself. So you pick up your phone and message the only person you can think of.

[To: Yoongi] Hi, are you awake?

[From: Yoongi] Ya, just watching some games. Why?

[To: Yoongi] Just need someone to talk with.

You’re surprised when the phone rings and it’s Yoongi on the other end. 

“Hey,” he says when you pick up. “What’s going on?”

“Why did you call? I sound terrible!” You groan.

“You do,” he replies. “You’ve been crying. You have that family thing, right? Where are you right now?”

“At the resort.”

“I mean, what’s the address?”

“Why do you need it?” You question.

“Because I’m gonna drive to you.”

“Yoongi, I’m 45 minutes away and it’s 10PM.”

“And I’ve driven us to Gyeongju and Andong at this time before,” he reasons.

That, he’s done. You were in your 20s and spent summers driving around. He was never the type to be out at such late hours but he did it for you. Yoongi always does things for you, you sigh to yourself. 

“I’ll send it to you,” you say, and drop the call.

You text him the address and instruct him to message you when he’s outside the main building. You take the time waiting to calm yourself down and make sense of what you feel and before you know it, Yoongi tells you that he’s there.

You enter the passenger seat, eyes dry and hands no longer shaking, and he drives. It only takes you 5 minutes to get to a field by the road, with the moon and stars shining brightly. You exit first and walk towards the front of the car to lean on the hood. It’s chilly outside and when Yoongi follows you, he pulls a thick jacket over your shoulders.

His eyes level with you, trying to sense what you’re feeling or what happened, and you speak before he could ask.

“My father… he, uh, he apologized to me,” you finally say. “He said sorry for everything, and I…” you cry out. “I just need to… I just—”

Yoongi envelopes you in a hug as you struggle to find the words, and you immediately fall into his warmth as you bury your face in his chest. It cushions your sobs and he just holds you, loose enough for you to breathe but tight enough to let you know that you can keep going, that he’s there, and that tonight, you can express all your emotions as much as you want. 

You don’t know how long you stay like this. He’s steady and consistent with his grip and his caresses on your back, and it’s that comfort that you knew you needed. 

You’ve been wanting that apology from your father even with your acceptance that things won’t ever be truly okay with the both of you. Hearing his own pain and regrets tonight made you realize just how much you needed that, and that at the end of the day, you just wanted to know that he was looking out for you all those years, that he was thinking about you and that he loved you. No matter how flawed the love seemed. You’d take it, you always would. You’d accept love even if the other person didn’t think it was enough. The man holding you right now is proof of that. 

Just like Yoongi, maybe your father didn’t know that. You once thought it would be too late; it usually is with parents who take too long to say what they need to. But not with him, especially as you saw the pain in his eyes earlier. After all's been said and done, he tried. And you can’t fault him for that.

As you try to rein in your emotions, you find yourself calming down. Yoongi’s woody and floral scent helps, so does the gentleness of his touch that's so natural for him. The tears eventually stop falling and you shift in his hold until he lets you go completely. 

You turn towards him and smile. “You didn’t have to drive all the way to see me,” you say, a white lie. You realize at this moment that this is all you need.

“Would I be able to do this if I didn’t?” He asks, as he wipes a lone tear down your cheek with his thumb. “Would my presence on the other end of the phone be enough for you after all that?”

“No, it wouldn’t,” you whisper. 

“I figured,” he smiles. 

It’s soft and sweet like it normally is, like how it normally was whenever he smiled at you. You don’t want to think about the thrumming of your heart at the sight or the fact that this is the closest you two have ever been since you came back. You don’t want to think about how familiar this feels, how his hums and his small giggles as he wipes another tear are sounds you’ve missed so much, how at this moment, as you just experienced something that healed your heart, that this is healing your heart just as much.

You loved this man genuinely and intensely, as your friends have said. And this moment is a reason why - he’ll always know you, he’ll always comfort you, and you know without a doubt that he’ll always care for you. 

It’s nearing 1AM when you get back to the resort. You’d spent almost 2 hours out there. You leaned on his shoulder as you recalled the conversation with your father and continued to process it all. Yoongi helped insofar as asking the right questions and reminding you that your feelings are valid but to not expect that things would be resolved right after. You’re mending your relationship and that would always take time. 

The thrumming of your heart doesn’t really subside, though, even more when he opens the door for you and helps you out the car.

“You’re gonna be okay tonight?” He asks as he stands close to you like he did earlier. 

“Yes,” you manage to say, your eyes trying to stay focused on his eyes and not his lips that are just inches away. “Thank you for coming. I really, really appreciate it.”

“I hope your heart heals, ___. You deserve that more than anyone.”

You nod in response and are unable to stop yourself from hugging him again. It’s different this time as you don’t have your sobs to distract you. It’s just you and him and warm breaths and years of history in between. It’s raw and tight and holds so many things unsaid that neither of you would realize. 

You pull away first before you become possessed to do anything more, and you realize once again just how close you two are, with his nose and eyelashes and soft, thin lips staring back at you.

He bids you goodbye and you walk back to your villa. You lay in bed and keep his jacket close, hoping that his scent and the love he once had for you would stay with you a little while longer.

It’s been 3 days since that night when Yoongi drove almost an hour towards the mountains to see you. You rarely message and since you’ve been back, you’ve never directly told him that you wanted to talk. But you did and he dropped his player development reports the minute he heard you’d been crying. 

He hasn’t stopped thinking about you since then - how you sounded, how your tears seeped through his shirt, how your stained cheek felt against his touch, how your words of need and appreciation pierced through his heart because he realized how badly he wanted to be there for you during the years you were apart. 

He remembers the day he let you walk away and how it broke him from the inside to watch you cry and not be able to do anything about it because he’d been the coward who let you go. He remembers the curve of your lips after a good cry and the shyness in your eyes right after it. The other night, he saw them, and though he was never the affectionate type, he had to stop himself from holding you tighter in the hope that it would help heal your heart a little bit more. 

He just wanted you to be okay, but he also found himself drowning in your warmth, in your scent, in the familiarity of your touch and your need for him. He found himself wanting more - more time, more talks, more of you. 

Yoongi curses at himself at the thought. He realizes it wasn’t just that night; it was every time, especially when you invited him inside your house. The comfort was too familiar, yet it also felt different, as you’re ex-lovers at the end of their twenties who’d gone through so much apart. 

But you find yourselves in the same space again after the heartbreak and the moving on had happened. He wonders what parts of him he’d left in you, and if at any point, you missed all of what you lost, too.

He didn’t expect you to be back here. And when he got over the shock, he didn’t expect to see you as much as he did. And when you’d both had closure over your breakup and the years in between, he didn’t expect he’d want you again. 

All he set out to do was let you know that he turned out okay, to comfort himself in knowing that somehow, what he did brought you to the good place where you deserve to be. But now he finds himself wondering if letting you walk away that first time for you to be back here after all these years is a test, or the universe’s way of mocking him, of making him suffer. Or if it’s another chance.

His thoughts are disrupted when the microwave beeps to signal that the rice has been heated. He takes it out and is about to fry the beef ribs when the doorbell rings, and Yoongi wonders if it’s his brother or dad who decided to pay him a visit.

His eyes widen when he sees you standing outside his door looking a little shy and worried.

“Hey,” he manages to say. “You’re… here.”

“I know, sorry it’s so sudden,” you reply. “I know you hate surprise visits but if you’re busy, I can just—”

He pulls your wrist to both your surprise and he shakes his head. “No, I’m not. I was just about to make dinner. Come in.”

You enter as he steps aside. “Oh, okay. I was in the area since I had my clothes washed and I had your jackets with me.” You take them from your arms and give them to him. “Here. Thank you again.”

“Sure thing,” he hums, placing them on the chair and proceeding to stir fry the meat. “Have you had anything to eat?”

“Not yet. I was gonna pass by somewhere on the way home.”

“Are you okay with beef ribs?”

“Yeah but, you don’t actually have to serve me dinner,” you say. “I mean, I— oh wow, that smells so good.”

He laughs at your wide eyes. “I’ve got enough. It’ll be done soon. You can get some drinks in the fridge.”

You look at him warily before looking around. 

“Feel at home, ___. I mean, you’ve slept on my bed and puked in my toilet.”

“Hey,” you pout. “That was a terrible night that we should not speak of again.”

“Okay, then,” he chuckles.

You grab sodas for both of you. You’re standing close to where he’s cooking and the conversation flows easily.

You talk about lunch with your father yesterday and Yoongi goes on about the player development profiles he’s doing throughout dinner. You’re laughing and rambling and all the while, he looks at you fondly, giggling with you and teasing when he’s able. 

There’s so much of you he remembers, you think. It’s odd to recall your whirlwind summer romance 8 years ago and how that became the only love you’ve ever known. You kissed before any introductions, fell for each other after just a few weeks, and even if you lived in different cities and only saw each other twice a month unless it was school break, Yoongi remembers many things - what cracks you up, what makes you pout, what makes you wonder, and what makes you shut up. He still knows how to make you smile more than anything, and this is the comfort and familiarity that you’ve been looking for, even if you know you shouldn’t.

But ever since the night he drove to see you, all you’ve done the past days is think about him and all the ways you screwed up by thinking you could actually be okay with remaining just exes with your ex. Because right now, so much of you wonders about him, why he moved on so quickly, what moments of his life he wants to change, if at any point in the last 6 years, he wished that he asked you to stay, or if he’d ever considered driving to Seoul after he got back on his feet to see if you two could work it out again.

They’re a mess of thoughts, especially as you remember all your friends’ warnings. You’re stubborn that way. But barring all those, nothing feels more right than being with him tonight.

You fight over doing the dishes, and he claims that he knows you never liked it. You pout at him as he starts washing, but you walk next to him and wipe as he finishes.

“You’re not in a hurry home?” He asks.

“No,” you reply. “Why? Want me to stay longer?”

It’s a tease but you’re never prepared when he answers bluntly.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Okay,” you smile, walking towards his couch. 

“It’s soft, isn’t it?” He sits next to your comfortable form. “Didn’t exactly plan on using it as a bed but a couple of drunks took over my room so it’s a good thing this was comfy.”

“Hey! I just asked you not to speak about it!”

“I’m teasing. It’s fun.”

“For you, clearly,” you pout again. 

Yoongi just chuckles as he surfs the TV for something nice to watch when he chances upon a talk show’s segment of your series’ cast.

“Oh yeah, this one’s tonight,” he says, oblivious to your questioning face. He keeps it on the channel with his eyes just on the screen. “Jin’s such a good actor, isn’t he? Are you two… uh…”

“Dating?” You finish. “Are you updated with the rumors?”

“They show up on my feed,” he shrugs. 

“Well, we aren’t. We never did and we never will.”

“You can’t be too sure about that,” he says dryly. 

“Tae always said you used to be jealous of Jin,” you tease, finding the earlier candid conversations to have prepared you and made you bold over topics like this.

“I was. The guy’s handsome and talented and kind. He seemed good.”

“He still is, but Jin and I are just good friends. There’s nothing there,” you insist.

“Is there something with someone?” He asks boldly. 

“No,” you hum. “Not right now. It’s been a while, really. The last guy was almost a year ago.”

“Seokmin, was it?”

“You follow entertainment accounts, don’t you?” You chuckle, trying to make sense of what you feel at the thought that Yoongi’s aware of him, and probably about the other guys, too. 

“The news was on my feed. I mean, it’s you and I read them because I just wanted to know how you were doing, if the guy was treating you right. It was the only way to know, I guess. Even if, yeah, they could be mostly just rumors.”

“You could’ve asked Jungkook and Namjoon, you know? That’s… that’s how I knew,” you trail, finding it more difficult than he seems to be when bringing up exes.

“Knew… about A-reum?” He turns to you.

“Yeah. I… I’d ask them how you were especially after I left,” you explain. “It was hard but you were in a tough place and I just had to know that you were recovering and being kind to yourself. A year later, they told me you were seeing someone. They said she was nice. It was, uh, it was good that you found someone, Yoongi.”

“Was it? For you, I mean.”

“I remember thinking that you moved on quickly,” you admit, avoiding his eyes so as not to cry as you recall those times. “But I just tried to comfort myself then, thinking that you at least had someone you could see everyday, who could be there for you anytime you needed them. And well, you and I had a whirlwind romance. It was all so fast only for us to see each other a handful of times a year until we had to make decisions that eventually hurt us. Was she good to you?”

“She was,” he hums. “I didn’t deserve her.”

“Anyone good deserves you, Yoongi,” you nudge his knee, as you both find yourselves sitting face to face. 

“She reminded me so much of you,” he says after a while, leaving your heart a mess. “I was in a tough place and she was busking on the street and there was this fire in her eyes. I saw her there often and would listen for some time and one day, she just walked up to me. She was straightforward, you know? Said she was interested and we had coffee then hit it off. She had big dreams of making it in the music industry and the way she talked about it was so pure. I guess I needed it then,” he recalls. “She helped me with laughing and smiling again. And I needed that, too. But after the dark clouds disappeared and I was a decent human being like before, I realized that what made it feel easy to be with her and be okay again was because she was like you.”

Yoongi manages to look you in the eyes as he says the words, leaving your heart stopping for a good few seconds. The honesty is overwhelming, even more that it’s about you. 

“Her laugh, the way she smiled, the way she was always reaching for my hand and wanting me close… they weren’t the same but they reminded me so much of how you got me to be myself,” he continues. “It didn’t feel right. I had to be honest and it broke her heart and that was another thing, I guess. I seem to only be doing that to people I let in.”

He looks at you and the way you’re unable to say anything. It’s too much, he thinks, but he couldn’t let you go on thinking that he moved on so quickly from you when it took him years; the only girlfriend he ever had since then was someone who reminded him so much of you. He never hated himself more after realizing it, especially when at the end of that relationship, he kept thinking about the possibility of working it out with you. 

But your career was taking off. It had been 3 years since you left; you had a boyfriend, too. Yoongi felt like he was just gonna mess everything up after he made that decision to end things and he didn’t think he deserved you again. 

“I’m sorry you thought I moved on that fast and if that implied that I didn’t value us enough,” he adds. “I was holding on to whatever I could after I let you go. It took a long time to get over you.”

You take a deep breath as you stop the tears from falling. Bold as you were, you definitely weren’t ready for this kind of honesty. But you wonder, too - what difference would it have made had you thought differently about him moving on? You wanted to quickly get over him because you thought he did it first, only to learn that it took him a long time to. You hate that you want him to hold you this time.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he laughs, seeing you a little distressed at not knowing what to say. “I’ve never told this to anyone and I don’t know, I’m probably a worse person for telling you.”

You pull his hand that’s about to cover his face, catching him by surprise. 

“You aren’t,” you assure him. “That’s all in the past now, Yoongi. She was still a part of your life during those years; nothing can take that from both of you.”

“I know,” he smiles. “She stayed in Daegu and became part of a local band. I don’t watch their shows but I heard she’s doing okay with her fiancé. So it’s all good.”

“Have you been with anyone since then?”

“Not really,” he answers. “I went on a few dates. The guys would always try to set me up but no one really stuck. I thought maybe I should just wait around to see what happens, or who comes back.”

You don’t notice that you’re still holding his hand until he uses it to tug you, not realizing you’ve spaced out a little. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you smile, still trying to process his words. “I wasn’t expecting that, that’s all.”

Yoongi nods then stands up to get you another bottle of juice. It’s a good reprieve after all this information, and a good break from your overwhelming emotions. 

Suddenly feeling a little too hot, you try to tie your hair, only to realize that you’ve forgotten your hair tie back at home. You hold up the strands as you look for one in your pockets when Yoongi hands you his own. 

“Thanks,” you say after taking it, reminding you of a few days ago when he’d tied your hair while you were puking your guts out. “You’re always ready with this, huh?”

“You'd always lose or break yours. I always wore 2 on my wrist and it just became a habit,” he shrugs, sitting on the couch again.

The rest of the world starts to blur all at once, with Yoongi as the only clarity that you see. He sits there facing you, his arm resting on the headrest as his eyes focus on your face. The casual way he says things - wanting to know if you’re being treated right, falling for someone who reminded him of you, wearing hair ties on his wrist as a habit… it’s like you left but his heart stayed. It’s like the distance existed but he still wanted you close, somehow, some way. It’s like he had to let go but maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe he’s hoping he won’t have to do it again.

He’s everything you remember him as. You don’t miss the fact that much of what you two have done since you got back mirrors 8 years ago, when you first found out what love felt like. You remember the thrill of it, your heart racing with every touch and every kiss. You remember the gentleness more than anything, like that cool breeze when you run on the field and someone’s running next to you; it’s like laying on a mat over the grass as you listen to the birds chirp and feel the butterfly softly land on your knee. 

Yoongi was your haven those 2 summers. You found yourself coming back every time because he pulls you here, to wherever he is, because you always felt like where he was is where you’ll always belong. And even when your hearts had to break back then, he’ll always pull you back. Because he’s the four walls of your home and the endless streets of the world outside. 

You feel his rough hand on top of your knee, nudging you a little and asking again if you’re okay. Your eyes follow his movement and you take his hand in yours, recalling how you always searched for it. It’s an athlete's hand, he always said. It’s a woodworker’s hand now, too, rough and a little dry, but as you place it on your cheek and you sigh in relief, you know the warmth is the same. He cups your face and the comfort hasn’t gone away, too. 

You sink into it, close your eyes, and smile. 

“I miss this so much,” you whisper. “I miss you so much.”

His thumb glides across your skin and you hum in response, remembering post-cries and post-kisses when he’d do this. 

Moving closer to you, Yoongi gently kisses your forehead as he says, “I miss you, too. More than I’ll be able to express.”

Feeling his breath across your face, you open your eyes. Your heart thinks before you could stop it, and your lips meet his. Soft, just like you remember. 

As you start to wonder if you made a mistake and perhaps did this so carelessly without knowing if he wanted to kiss you, too, you feel his lips move against yours, taking you deeper, holding you longer. 

The sigh you emit is more than relief that he wants this like you; it screams of the kind of joy of being able to feel the familiar affection that he never deprived you of. Yoongi may not always hold your hand or pull you in first, but he returned each of your kisses and spoiled you with it. It was his good morning and his goodnight; his you look great and I can’t wait to spend the whole day with you; it was how he comforted you after you cried and made you forget about things that bothered you; it was his I miss you, I’ll see you again, and I love you.

You don’t know what this is saying, but it doesn’t matter. It feels like all those things but also something new. 

I’m sorry. It’s been so long. I feel whole again. I want you back in my life.

They’re what they mean to you. You could only hope he feels the same way again. 

He pulls away slightly to peck your lips and brush his nose against yours. 

“All this over a hair tie?” He teases.

You giggle before kissing his lips and sit back, your hand immediately searching for his.

“You didn’t forget about me. All these years,” you answer. 

“I couldn’t even if I tried,” he says. “And well, I tried. It was hard to forget who I was when I was with you. You’re also a celebrity so you were everywhere.”

You both laugh at his statement. “I’m not famous enough to be everywhere.”

“You were to me. Maybe it’s because I kept looking for you somewhere without realizing it,” he sighs. “You were in this town even if you didn’t feel like you belonged here. You were in all corners of the shop, and in every nook and cranny of my being. I… I didn’t realize it until now. Until we kissed again.”

The way your whole body warms is immediate. You want all of him right now, and you have the entire evening for it.

“So,” you start, lifting yourself off the couch. “Can we do it, over and over again?” 

You move to straddle him and his eyes, burning with desire, follows your every move. He holds you steady by the waist before he meets your lips once more, both hands cupping your face now, and he hums as he crashes against your mouth. 

It’s heady and emotional, especially as he holds the kiss before his tongue slides through to entangle with yours. You moan against him, as if you can’t believe you’re tasting him again after so long. And you’ve missed this, missed how he seemed to say so many things with every movement, how he always started by caressing your face as a gentle act before he goes a bit rougher, missed how he’d give you room to breathe by trailing down your neck and making himself a home there.

You moan once you feel his tongue trace patterns on your jaw. His open mouth kisses let him lick and suck as he pleases, and you’re left with an overwhelming feeling of desire, causing you to thrust against him. He just holds you steady and takes your mouth again. It’s messy and deep; everything starts to get hazy. But he knows you like getting lost in his kisses and in his touch; he knows you like surrendering yourself to him like this. 

He trails down your neck and does the same. You start to become shameless with your moans and you crave that friction; you want more of his touch, his mouth all over you; you want to feel him everywhere.

“Yoongi, I’m wet,” you heave out, your head lolling back as he starts to kiss your chest, feeling the shivers underneath the thin material of your dress.

He stops and meets your eyes. “Go. I'm doing you on my bed.”

You immediately remove yourself from him and start to walk towards his bedroom, feeling as if the short distance is still too short.

It is for him, as you feel him grab you by the waist and pull you against him. He kisses your neck again, softer this time, earning him giggles from you.

“Someone’s excited,” you tease. 

“I am,” he hums, sucking that sensitive part of you. “I… I didn’t think I’d be able to touch you again.”

You feel him stop for a while and you don’t want anything to hold both of you back, at least for tonight. You’re overcome with so much want and need that whatever comes after doesn’t concern you at this point. After everything you learned from him, and about yourself in terms of what you still feel, you just want him, all of him. Right now. 

“That’s what I want you to do,” you say, guiding his hand down your clothed cunt to let him feel what he’s doing to you. 

The way he curses sends shivers down your spine. 

“Don’t think, just feel, okay?” He whispers in your ear as he presses against you. It’s something he’d always say when the desire is extremely high, usually the first time being together after not seeing each other for weeks. “Just feel everything for me.”

“Okay,” you mumble, releasing all inhibitions and just feeling, like he asked. 

He turns you to face him and hungrily kisses you again while his hands cup your clothed breast. You tug at his shirt and pull it up until he’s removing it himself, his taut chest surprising you, given all the muscle he’s gained and is hiding underneath his loose clothes. 

“Fuck, you look amazing,” you smirk. 

“You, too,” he smirks back, pulling up your dress to rid you of your clothes as well.

He curses again as he gazes at your body, even more when you remove your bra and sit on the edge of the bed, looking a little shy as you don’t meet his eyes. 

He shifts your chin to look at him, and with a soft look, he kisses you tenderly. “You’re so beautiful, jagi.”

Your heart races at the term of endearment, something he used to call you all the time. Hearing it again reminds you of the home you built with him all those years ago, and that nothing much has changed.

You drown in his kiss, in his scent, in his gentleness, and in his touch, as his hands start to explore your bare body, guiding you to lie down. His mouth traces you all over - down your breasts to your torso, to your hips then your thighs as he pulls down your last piece of clothing. He gives no other warning, licking up your slit immediately and you know he feels you shudder. 

He hums as he hears your restrained sounds, but he goes slow, intentional; he's not in any hurry to devour you or leave you breathless right away. He wants to savor your taste and he wants you to feel every bit of it, wants to build you up slowly. You always liked it that way. Sure, there were quickies in his car, nights when he took you right at his door, and days when you couldn’t get your hands off each other after being apart for weeks. But more than feeling his desire, he knows you like feeling his care and his careful way of showing you that. 

You moan his name and your curses. You thrust against his skillful mouth. You pull on his mop of long hair. You feel the intensity build up steadily and you like this pace; you like this state of haze as your body is forced to feel everything. And once the erratic beat of your heart becomes too much, you voice it out.

“Yoongi, want you. Please.”

He replaces his mouth with his fingers as he stands up and watches your half-lidded eyes and parted mouth and the way your chest heaves in pleasure. His thumb fiddles your nub as your body moves in unison and he can’t help but cup his clothed length for that bit of friction at the sight of you. 

Years later, you still affect each other this way. There are small changes, like the swell of your breasts, but every mark and every dot just adds to the perfection of your body. 

Yearning for him, you sit up and capture his lips in a kiss, one that he easily gets lost in. You replace his hand on his cock with yours as you rub him gently, excitement coursing through you, knowing he’s aching for you just as much. 

“Missed this, too,” you mumble. 

He grunts, takes your hand, and sneaks it in between your legs. Guiding your fingers to your lips, he instructs you to pleasure yourself as he removes his trousers.

“That’s good, jagi,” he hums, taking the condom from his nightstand drawer and putting it on himself. 

He kisses you once more as he lays you on your back, slowly slotting his aching dick between your lips and rubbing it gently. He pushes in and your joint moan is immediate. He feels so good, stretching you out and gliding against every inch of your velvet walls.

“So good,” you pant in between breaths. “Keep going, baby.”

Yoongi pushes and you meet his every thrust, your arms curling around his neck as you take every bit of him. You let him hear your moans and strangled cries. You drag every praise against his ear to let him know how good you feel. You suck his skin to add to his own pleasure. 

It’s steady, hypnotizing, and everything you’ve been missing. His groans tell you enough, and it’s not long after when you start to feel that tightness, escalating quickly. He picks this up as you start to keen and your back arches, and his expert fingers find your throbbing nub to aid in your orgasm. 

You come quietly, as if the wind is knocked out of you and you’re unable to speak. Your chest heaves as you come down from your high but you know it’s not over yet. You want him to feel that pleasure, too, so you tell him to use you, that it’s okay, that you want him to feel good.

He nods and shifts. He takes your hand to rest over your head and he kisses you deeply while he thrusts hard. His hair tickles your face and you take advantage of your other free hand to cup his cheek this time and direct him for better angles so you can taste more of each other, your tongues dancing a practiced routine. 

It’s when he buries his head on your neck that you know he’s close, so you aggressively meet his thrusts, earning you a restrained growl before he’s coming, his thick seed filling up the latex, and his warm breath fanning your skin.

He looks at you softly before getting on his feet, disappearing into the bathroom then quickly returning with a warm towel to wipe you off. You ask him to stay next to you and your head lays on his bare chest. You take in his scent again, the smoothness of his chest, and the warmth of his skin against yours. 

You doze off soon enough, but his soft lips against yours is the last thing you feel.

Sleep has been your friend since you’ve been back. For the most part, at least, as you’re easily able to fall into slumber and not wake up until the next day. It’s a stark difference to your unusual sleeping hours back in Seoul, a usual occurrence while working on a project. You tend to wake up in the middle of the night, and that’s something you took with you tonight.

Your eyes flutter open. Your head still lays on Yoongi’s chest. His one arm is still around your shoulder and the other is over your hand, the one that’s resting on his torso. You haven’t moved since falling asleep after that high, and you’re about to wonder why the sun isn’t up yet when you catch a glimpse of the analog clock and see that it’s only 2:30AM. 

You didn’t expect last night to happen but you also don’t know how much longer you would’ve lasted without craving - and actually claiming - his touch. You were so overwhelmed with emotions that you just went for it - kissed him and made love to him, without thinking of the consequences of what comes after. 

He asked you to just feel, not think, and you realize that when it came to you, that’s how Yoongi lived his life. Everything else he thinks about. With you, he just feels. With you, he opens up and he lets himself be vulnerable. You know how it ended the last time, and you’re afraid that not much has changed on that end, too. 

You don’t know if you should be here. The longer you remain in his hold, the deeper you fall, the more you start wanting it again, and the closer to another heartbreak you might be. 

Yoongi is a deep sleeper, and you figure that releasing yourself from his hold won’t be a problem. So you do, slowly lifting yourself off the bed and tiptoeing around the room. You find your dress and put it on, ready to sneak out of his apartment.

But you take one last look. A mistake, really, because you immediately question yourself why you’re leaving, but staying the night also makes you question why you are. He shifts a little and you’re too indecisive to move. 

He slowly opens his eyes and finds you clothed, your eyes darting to the door as you discern what to do.  But he speaks, with no hint of disappointment or surprise in his voice.

“Do you regret it?” He asks. 

“No,” you answer, and you mean it. 

“Then why are you leaving?” 

Now, you pick up the sadness in his words. 

“I don’t know what this would mean for us, Yoongi. Or what it would mean for you,” you admit. 

He sits up and faces you, and it’s his invitation for you to stay with him for a while, to talk if you want. 

You sit on the edge of the bed next to him, knowing that talking is how you’re gonna be able to work things out. You know if you went to your house, you’d just regret leaving, and you wouldn’t know how you’d face him the next time. 

“I’ve been holed up in my apartment since the night I drove to you,” he starts. “I figured if I went out, maybe stayed at the shop or went out with the guys, I’d see you. And I was scared to, not when I hadn't stopped thinking about wanting to kiss you back then.”

You didn’t imagine that moment, you think to yourself. It wasn’t just you. And last night wasn’t just lust taking over him. 

“But you’d been crying and it didn’t feel right. And I just… let it pass, tried to convince myself that maybe I wasn’t meant to kiss you, you know? Because I’ve moved on from you and it shouldn’t be this hard to resist you “ he adds. 

“I wanted to believe that all the years I tried to not regret letting you go, that I tried to not resent myself for being so weak, that I tried to put my life together without you would all be worth it. And it was because you’re doing so well now,” he smiles sadly. “You’re living your dream and I’m not a part of it and I was never meant to be. But that doesn’t mean that coming back into my life like you did the first time isn’t gonna knock me off this made up reality I have where I stopped loving you. Because I don’t think I really did. Or maybe, but if so, why is wanting you so easy? Why has every single time we’ve been together given me so much happiness?”

“I had a plan of just saying hi and goodbye to you,” you start, wiping away the tears that have fallen. “Tae said it was a denial plan and it was. Deep down I knew that if I spent time with you again, I’d want this just like before. And I don’t know if I should, if I still could. Because for years I had to accept that you moved on right away, that you moved on first. I left you and—”

“Because I told you to.”

“Because I wanted to,” you cry. “Because my dream was out there but it was also here, with you. And I chose to be without you.”

“I chose that, too. And I’ll always stand by it but I’ll also always wish that I was good enough to love you right back then.”

The silence is marred by your sniffles and his restrained cries. You can tell because of his glassy eyes. Yoongi rarely cries, so seeing him now lets you know that he’s feeling a lot of emotions that he might not also know how to fully express. 

You scoot closer and place your hand over his. 

“We clearly still can’t resist each other,” you giggle now. “I come back home for the first time in years and fall into my own trap of pretending that you don’t affect me the same way. Because you still do.”

“It’s the long hair, isn’t it?” He teasingly smiles.

“It’s part of it,” you say, chuckling as he combs it back with his fingers. “But it’s also all this - the comfort and the honesty and the wisdom and the care. We had 2 years but they were amazing years, Yoongi. I was the happiest when I was with you.”

“Me, too,” he nods. “And I don’t know, maybe we could try again. Maybe we could just let things flow and see where it takes us. You’re here for just another month and maybe we can work something out. Maybe we’ll realize it’s too much but we could at least talk about it. But I don’t think I’ll be able to see you again and not want to have you in any other way, at least for the time that you’re here.”

“I’ll probably lose my shit if I don’t get to kiss you again. At least for the time I’m here,” you laugh. “But you’re right. We can see where things go. Talk things out. I just want this, the right now. With you.”

“Okay,” he smiles, cupping your cheek again for a soft kiss. “So, uh, I believe you were naked before you attempted to leave.”

You playfully roll your eyes as you strip off your clothes and climb into bed with him. You talk a little more, laugh and kiss in between, and you make love before you fall asleep.

You sleep in the next morning. Yoongi drags himself off the bed to cook lunch and you follow him, watching dreamily as he makes noodles from scratch. You let him work in the afternoon while you cling to him on the couch. Whether it’s your head on his shoulder, your legs on his lap, or you curled up next to him, he doesn’t budge. He just caresses whatever body part of yours he can and indulges your kiss requests every few minutes.

It’s later that evening after he cooked roasted pork for dinner that you sit on his lap, letting him feed you like the baby that you are.

With your arms around his neck, you smile at him. “I like this. And I like you, very much.”

“Hmm, I’m glad that you do,” he hums as he feeds you another bite.

“This may be too soon, but I might love you, too.”

Yoongi breaks into a smile. It’s the giddy one, the one where he’s caught by surprise and he just can’t help it. You look at him with a glimmer in your eyes. It’s this home again, the one where you belong. It’s what you wanted then and maybe your dream came first but you’ll always want this. You realize today that you always will.

The way he looks at you says he does, just as much.

“I love you, too, jagi.”

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[mimallah]

Well it's here

Are you ready for it

The Nathan Essay (and a Bonus Theory)

CW: Child Abuse/Neglect, SA/CSA, Beastiality (because Matt n Trey are losers who think those jokes are funny), substance abuse by minors, ableism

Nathan is a minor antagonist within South Park, his first appearance was the Season 8 (2004) episode 'Up the Down Steroid', his role was minor but kickstarted the main plot, Jimmy abusing steroids that he bought from Nathan to get ahead in competition. From here, he's appeared with a connection to the main plot 8 more times, and once within the game The Fractured But Whole, as a minor antagonist in the Bring the Crunch DLC. His next appearance was 'Crippled Summer', an episode from Season 14 (2010), 6 years since his original debut. His personality had shifted a bit from UTDS, going from soft spoken and laid back yet shifty, to angry, loud, demanding, and psychopathic. Reasons for this behavior wouldn't be presented until the Season 18 (2014) episode 'Handicar', and only 2 minutes at the end cover it. Despite this lack of screentime, and the years between development in his character, he is one of the more complex and realistically tragic characters within the show. In this writing, events that lead and build to his development will be laid out and analyzed. At the end a bonus, less realistic, theory will be explored about an issue within 'Crippled Summer'.

Trauma, and the Result.

Traumatic events aren't a uncommon experience in this show, in fact they're often used just as a joke, a lot of Nathan's own trauma is just an in-joke for the audience to laugh at. The bulk of on screen trauma happens within 'Crippled Summer', showcasing Nathan being shot multiple times all over with arrows twice, bitten by a black mamba (in the middle of the woods where help would most likely take over an hour to get to him), blown up with a pound of C4, and finally, the distasteful start to a long running, horrofic joke with the character, being sexually assaulted twice by a shark. Even though all of this is played as a joke for the audience to laugh at (and they REALY think Nathan being SA'd, espcally by animals, is funny. It happens in the back of Mimsy's Phone Destroyer card too.), it's still, plain and simple,*trauma*. It is revealed later within 'Handicar', that his parents just...don't love him. There's no care for him within them. Sure, his mom kisses him on the head and calls him sweetie, but it's immediately turned around when he begs not to go to Summer camp that year (wonder why he wouldn't want to go back to camp...) and she claims she "can't understand him." She continues to ignore him the entire scene even as he grows more and more frustrated, eventually turning off the lamp on his nightstand despite his protest and leaves, and when she leaves she LOCKS the door behind her. Locks Nathan in his room. He can be heard falling and screaming in pain after, and continuing to yell for his friend Mimsy and run into things behind the conversation his mother has with his father:

___

Nathan's dad

What's he saying?

Nathan's mom

That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip.

Nathan's dad

Right.

___

So she can understand him, she just chooses to pretend she can't because she doesn't WANT to listen. She doesn't love him, she would rather dump him off at a Summer camp and take her own trip because she believes he'll ruin it. They don't even acknowledge when he gets hurt and is screaming in pain, they just walk off. There's no love for him there, even in this single, 2 minute scene. 'Handicar' is also home to another SA scene used as a joke against Nathan, including him doing a "wacky" quip about "and I thought a shark was bad". He is also laughed at about the shark incident in this episode by Mimsy, the only friend he seems to have. Throughout the episode, Mimsy brings up Nathan just talking to his parents, and it's been established what happens when he does,so he shuts it down every time. 'Handicar' is just about a hurt, traumatized child trying to get away from a camp full of painful memories, only to get more hurt in the process...and to go home and recieve more neglect.

Nathan's response to the trauma he has experienced is, like the trauma itself, played as a joke. He hits people, he's angry all the time, he screams and yells and gets violent. He is SO HURT, he only knows HOW TO HURT BACK. In recent appearances, he's taken to usual vices. Substance abuse in the child characters in this show isn't uncommon. In fact, sometimes it's handled pretty well. Stan's alcoholism is played relatively straight, the tone remaining cold and somber for most of the scenes and even when played as a "joke" it maintains a serious, heavy air. Tweek is canonically addicted to meth without even knowing it, being made to work within his parents coffee shop, the parents lacing the coffee with meth to get people addicted and coming back. Tweek drinks this when his parents make him "taste test" it, and it has been shown that they keep him steady on it, obviously not wanting him to go into withdrawals.

Within Basic Cable, Nathan accepts Scott Malkinson's insulin as a trade for a Dosney+ account, using it himself before he handed over the account information. In the most recent special, 'Not Suitable for Children', he is shown smoking. His coping has gotten more unsafe and unhealthy.

Nathan and Friend(s)

Within South Park, characters tend to be broken off into groups of friends. The main five, Craig's gang, the Goth Kids, the Girls, all examples. There's also the Spec Ed Kids, though that is more a distinction of characters in a second class. Timmy and Jimmy are in this group, but are also within Craig's gang. Nathan's status within friend groups is..nonexistent. He's pretty much alone. He has Mimsy, and Frances is friendly towards him on occasion, but overall, he's alone. He hasn't even hung out with Mimsy since the Season 21 (2017) episode Moss Piglets. Likely, he is ostracized for his violent outbursts linked to his trauma. No one wants to hang out with the kid that hits and yells, who would? It's this reason, I feel, that Nathan IS so jealous of Jimmy. He's one of the popular kids, he's loved and friends with everyone. He has everything Nathan doesn't. Jimmy's parents are. Messy. Ableist at worst...but they still love him. They still care for him and his safety. At least more than Nathan's own. Jimmy has everything to Nathan, and he is so hurt and jealous. Everything Nathan does is for attention, because he has nothing. He wants to win the science fair because he wants people to pay attention to him, he WANTS to win the camp competition despite how much he hates camp because he gets to perform a song if he does and then people will be PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM. That's all he wants. That's why he's continued his original gimmick of being a dealer despite how many episodes center around him just being Jimmy's antagonist. If he's the guy that has anything you need or want, then he'll get attention. He'll be needed.

Nathan isn't the most tragic, yes, but he's up there for me, his whole existence built up on cries for attention and a want to belong. A character build on failures and traumas no one, especially not a child, should endure, just because it's "funny". Maybe one day we'll see him get his redemption arc, get friends and help. Get love.

BONUS: Cthulhu Theory

This is just a fun bonus because I don't really know where to put it, but I have a theory/headcanon that I enjoy thinking about a lot based on the impossibility of Crippled Summer.

South Park doesn't really shy away from killing characters off, they do it pretty often and pretty brutally. Even long running staple characters like Miss Crabtree and Chef weren't safe from being brutally murdered. So why is it that Nathan went through everything from being shot to crushed in 'Crippled Summer'?

I believe and theorize he's also cursed by Cthulhu like Kenny, unable to die permanently. He took several fatal injuries throughout the entire episode and just...walked em off immediately! Not to mention the episode ends with him being exploded by a POUND of C4, bit by a black mamba (which if not treated right away has a literally 100% fatality rate, and then a rapid fire of every other injury he got that episode repeated (Yes. Including the shark.). He should be dead, yet, he came back, for 6 more episodes and counting. I believe wholeheartedly he is also under Cthulhu's immortality curse, affecting him differently than Kenny. Personal headcanon being that since Kenny's parents just randomly stumbled into the ritual his curse requires a full death to be revived, whereas I headcanon Nathan's parents actually did a ritual as a joke leading to Nathan being just unable to die even temporarily.

******

Thank you so much for reading this far if you have, it means a lot to me and it's crazy that people would enjoy reading this, a 1.5k word ramble about an 8 episode background character XD tysm, I love you

[ubtendo]

Top 10 childhood videogames?

Wait, that's such a fun question, but I'm blanking on games I played in my childhood because I played so many😭

This list could have been a lot more obscure, but I tried to keep it more basic

Uhh and if anyone wants the reasoning for any game, I'm talking a bit about them under the cut

1. Tomodachi Life

One of my first actual games that I got to choose for my self and I still love it to this day. I mean if you haven't been struggling with the question "who in this ship could be a woman" because you made your favourite ship into miis with the plan on them marrying , but they are both guys and there is no option for a gay relationship, than have you even lived. I remember I got this game on my 10th birthday and I keept running back inside our house to charge my nintendo because I wouldn't stop playing for one second. Even now I still boot it up on my birthday first thing in the morning to see the mii version of my friends, family and favourite characters sing happy birthday to me.

2. Dragon Quest Monsters Joker

Hands down, if tomodachi life didn't exist, then this would have been my all time favourite game. I'm so surprised that I never see people talk about this game. If you like pokemon, then you will also like this. I watched my mom play it when I was really little, then we lost the game and my brother re-bought it a few years back, but decided he doesn't want to play it anymore pretty early on, so he gave the game to me. I only beat the final boss this year and my main complaint about this game is that lvl. grinding is PAINFULLY SLOW but I'm nothing if not patient so I got through the fight eventually.

3. Pokemon Alpha Sapphire

My first pokemon game and the one I replayed the most. If they never made a new pokemon game you would still find me playing this. I made so many memories in this game, I can't even begin to tell you any because I wouldn't stop. This holds a very special place in my heart.

4. Miitopia

Well when I first heard that there was a sort of successor / spin of of tomodachi life, I was set. I got it as soon as our store had it, and after losing all my games (story for an other day, sort of embarrassing, don't ask) I bought it again and I got my friends to play it as well and I was so happy. I remember that I was sitting in our garden and fighting the final boss only fo find out that that wasn't the final boss, I was so devastated but also so happy that the game wasn't over yet. What can I say, I'm just a simple RPG lover.

5. Animal Crossing New Leaf

In my opinion, a way better game than new horizon. I mean yeah, horizon got a lot of great features but it doesn't hold the candle to new leaf. This game just has such a sommer night vibe to me, but that might be because I keep staying up late to catch beatles all night on the island. Also THE MUSIC DON'T EVEN LET ME GET STARTED

6. New Style Boutique

I'm pretty sure I didn't buy this game myself, and it would feel weird for my parents to have bought it for me because I was a sort of tomboy-ish girl back then, but I played this game so much, and honestly I sometimes so today as well. Ok, maybe I only ever wore the bunny handbag and got the space buns hairstyle but I lived for that. I have the other 2 3ds games and the original ds game as well, but I haven't played much of them.

7. Go Vacation

Ok now we get a bit more obscure. Specially the wii version. I mentioned this before, but I loved the diving minigame and I spent hours underwater just doing that. Mainly I just loved running around the resorts and doing whatever. Me and my brother also sometimes raced down from the peak of the mountain in the snow resort and we placed bets on who would win. Fun game even tho I don't remember any other minigame except diving.

8. Cooking Academy

So my mom gave me her old laptop when I was idk seven? And she still had this game so she gave that to me as well. And I might or might have not burnt every dish that went into the oven. Honestly my cooking skills haven't improved since then, so I guess I'm just very consistent.

9. GTA 2

Ok so I actually never really played that game myself and I only watched my brother play on our uncle's old windows 98 PC. The funny thing is tho is, we were really young, like REALLY YOUNG. I'm pretty sure we never played the story and we just drove with the cars and tried to steal the police cars everytime and hunt down the hot dog car. Real nostalgic to me even tho I wouldn't play it myself even nowadays.

10. Sims 2

Again, my mom gave it to me with her PC. Sims 3 was already long out and I played that as well, but I remember this one much more. Maybe because my version had some weird graphic glitches where all the walls and the whole overworld looked like a red and black checkers board that would make your eyes bleed. Sims in general I remember very fondly because of my mama

[anartificialsatellite]

So I can't play a lot of video games because anything 3D where the camera moves around a lot with the player character makes me very motion sick pretty quickly. I used to be able to play these sorts of games, but as I've gotten older it's gotten worse and I haven't been able to for a few years now. (I thought finally getting glasses would fix it and it does kind of help, but not enough.) This sucks because it does mean that I miss out on a lot of games, but it also has forced me to broaden my horizons and try games I might not have found otherwise.

One of the places where this becomes more of a problem for me is the horror/thriller genres - I think there's especially a tendency to rely on 3D first and third person perspective (and especially first person) in games that are meant to be scary or creepy or whathaveyou, because when you limit the player's field of view it's not difficult to make them feel trapped and uneasy, and it lends itself well to jumpscares.

...Which makes it all the more impressive, imo, when a game that doesn't use that still succeeds at building that sort of atmosphere and immersion. So!

Here's three of my favorite scary/spooky/creepy atmospheric games without a 3D first or third person perspective:

The Excavation of Hob's Barrow

This point-and-click adventure game has 2D pixel graphics, an excellent soundtrack, and a fascinating and compelling folk horror mystery at its center. Antiquarian Thomasina Bateman travels to an isolated English town on the moors to pursue research for her book on the barrows of England, and (as one usually does in this genre) discovers something strange and sinister lurking beneath the surface. I finished this game in about 2 sessions, by which I mean I've got 10 hours of playtime on it and the only reason it wasn't one session was because I had to stop and do normal human things. (I found this game because I'm a fan of one of the publisher's other titles, The Shivah, a kind of weird and super short detective style adventure game whose main character is a bitter, depressed rabbi, and I really recommend that one as well.)

Oxenfree

Not really horror, I guess, but definitely a supernatural thriller? We'll go with that. Another adventure game, this time one where your choices affect the story. The main character is Alex, a teenage girl who, along with some friends and some non-friends, is spending the night on an island that was once home to an old military base. Using a radio, you unintentionally open a portal and find yourself facing the supernatural effects of a decades old naval disaster. The art is gorgeous, the music is absolutely tits, and there's some really cool gameplay mechanics, as well. I'm also a sucker for spooky radio shit, so when I came across this game I was all over it.

It's got a sequel, Oxenfree II: LOST SIGNALS, which is a similar style game set on a nearby island some time after the events of the first game, and I also super recommend that one, too.

FAITH

I'll start with a caveat for this one: I've only played Chapter 1, because when I first bought and played it that was the only part that was out. I can't speak for any of the rest of this game, and annoyingly, it looks like you can't buy Chapter 1 by itself anymore.

In this retro-styled game you play as a priest returning to the site of a failed exorcism, so if demonic posession and that kind of Catholic religious horror isn't your bag this game probably won't be either, but even as someone who is not Christian, I super enjoyed it. It features 8-bit graphics that remind me of Atari and some old DOS adventure games I haven't played in almost two decades, as well as some truly creepy rotoscoped pixel art. The sound is just as old school as the art and is used to deeply unsettling effect, and I was continuously impressed by how the dev managed to make such a creepy game in this style.

If you've got any others, please share them with me! I absolutely love this kind of thing and am always happy to add more to my "to play" list.

[bluesdesk]

People. 50.6% of 87 votes are exactly 44 votes. And 49.4% is 43 votes. Tears of the Kingdom lost to Alttp for ONE VOTE

Anyway, I decided to yeet both off the poll! Let the 9th round begin! There are 8 games left, and these are really the best. I still have one game I want to vote but then the choice will be harder!

As I've written many things about totk but I don't want to give unwanted spoilers, this time the rankings are here and my opinions on the games are under the cut!

<< Previous round

The CDIs

Triforce Heroes

Zelda 2

Hyrule Warriors / Legends / Definitive

Cadence of Hyrule

Zelda 1

Four Swords Adventures

Four Swords

Oracle of Seasons/Ages

Age of Calamity

Phantom Hourglass

Link's awakening/LANS

Spirit Tracks

Tears of the Kingdom

A link to the Past

Soo! TotK and AlttP. I played AlttP shortly after BotW on nso, when TotK still wasn't out. I liked it a lot at first, but I have to say I didn't complete it. It was technologically advanced for that time for sure, but I don't think it aged well. The dungeons didn't leave me anything valuable to remember, like other games did, the items weren't equipped easily and the story was too simple and banal.

As for TotK. Oh TotK. I got to play botw another bit before returning it (I had borrowed it from a friend), after quitting alttp. And I still liked it! Then I bought TotK and at the beginning I was extremely surprised, it looked so great. I thought Rauru was the same first sage from OoT and he had a "goat disguise" to not be recognized, like his owl form. Of course I was wrong and then I was so disappointed, i left it almost one year ago and don't have any urge to play it again, I probably will though and give it another chance because something was really good like seeing grown up characters or finding those "Zeldas" or building things or finding amiibo costumes. - the story is great for a standalone game, but for zelda? The zonai make no sense to me and contradicted everything we knew. In the past right after sksw the gerudo weren't known, the zora and rito didn't exist, the gorons weren't on death mountain. They should have made another antagonist and not Ganondorf. Zelda's sacrifice was honestly a so great part, but the ending was awful. - the "dungeons" were copies of each other. And short and banal as heck, and the dialogues after each one were always the same. - People didn't remember Link. Only some of the major characters did but the majority of the npcs didn't know him. And Link didn't have the majority of his clothes. I know the outfits weren't mandatory to get in botw (nothing was mandatory tho) but at least the most known could have been left. The gerudo outfit, the climber set, the hylian set, the luminous stone set! They made up a story for the zora tunic and that's a good thing. - The depths were empty and too dark, even after the light roots were lighted. It was too easy to get lost. - the ultrahand and fuse mechanics are amazing as well as the ascend, but they should have made them mandatory at least for some parts of the game, to give them more spotlight. - I would have loved to have way more sksw references, this isn't a flaw of course but a personal preference! Also I would have loved to have Wolf Link as an ally again, instead of the spirits of the sages. - personal experience: the game crashed after I defeated Ganondorf for the last time. I was about to see the final cutscene when the screen went black and it never played (I saw it on youtube). Everything else on the swotch worked perfectly so it was just the game. Of course it doesn't autosave or let people save the game after entering the zone before the first fight with Ganondorf so I'm back there. I hated it.

[starrysan]

wave [4]

pairing: korea local!yunho x new to city!reader [smau]

masterlist || prev chap || next chap

a/n: first written chap! oo exciting I'm ngl the title took me like 8 years to pick idek why also sorry I'm scamming you technically no yunho in this chap 💔 written portion is shorter than I wanted it to be but its been a bit since ive written like a full on fic chapter length will lengthen in future chaps :)

3rd person pov

"wait what if I meet him and he's like actually no you suck I don't ever want to hangout with or show you Seoul ever again then what?" y/n asked wooyoung, jongho and chris who were sitting on FaceTime with them.

"why would wooyoung introduce you to someone who wouldn't like you?" chris asks typing at his laptop. "I don't know woo is like evil" y/n replies throwing even more clothes on the bed when they insisted their umpteenth outfit didn't look good.

"also before you say anything, your last 5 outfits were fine" jongho chimes in, looking up from his phone. y/n rolls their eyes. "clearly you weren't looking well enough because this shirt doesn't go with these pants."

"just wear the first outfit" wooyoung says, y/n looking over at the shirt, skirt, and leg warmers they had thrown to the side earlier. "are you sure?" y/n asked, skeptical.

"y/n this is just a hangout, no need to freak out" wooyoung says calmly. "yea.. you're right sorry guys" y/n replies. "you don't have to apologize just.. breathe" wooyoung chuckles.

"ok I'll do the first outfit." they says changing really quick and looking in the mirror. "oh shit woo you're right this outfit is so good." y/n says. "I'm always right" wooyoung nods. "let's not get ahead of ourselves" y/n deadpans. they hear a ding on their phone and see san texted saying he's downstairs.

"oh san's here i've gotta go see you guys later bye love you" y/n says before hanging up, grabbing their bag, and heading downstairs.

"san?" they call out to who they believed was san. he stood right in front of the apartment in a sweater and jeans. "hey! y/n?" san replied. "yes! that's me" y/n says shooting him a smile.

the two walk to the coffee shop. y/n ordering a peppermint mocha and san getting a latte and a cookie. they get their drinks and sit at a table. "so how're you liking seoul so far?" san asks taking a sip of his drink.

"it's fun! definitely a different experience than Australia but it's really fun. I'm glad my boss hasn't been too hard on me yet" they laugh. "how long have you lived here?" y/n asks.

"I lived in namhae for my whole childhood and I moved into seoul about 10 years ago now?" san replies finishing up his drink and y/n nods in response.

"when did you have the misfortune of meeting wooyoung and jongho?" y/n asks jokingly. san laughs before answering, "I had met the two in college. jongho and I had some classes together and wooyoung kind of just appeared out of thin air if I'm being honest." san says. "pfft" y/n replies. "how about you? when did you meet the two" san asked.

"a bit weirdly if I'm being honest. I met wooyoung online we had played video games together so long that we got close afterwards and jongho's actually my older brother chris' friend. he did one semester here for college and met jongho. I'm surprised he doesn't know you actually but, it's a complete coincidence that the two knew each other as well" y/n says. "that's crazy" san chuckles.

they walk around the neighborhood before san speaks up. "have you been to the han river yet?" san asks. "nope I haven't!" y/n says "would you want to go? it's really pretty at night" san asked. "sounds fun! woo was telling me about it I just didn't get a chance to go" y/n says happily.

after about a 20 minute walk the sun had started to set. "oh wow pretty sunset" y/n says, snapping a photo. they finally get to the river, the sun was down at this point so all the street lights illuminated the river very nicely. san had bought an ice cream while they were there and was eating it as they walked.

"oh wow the river is so pretty" y/n says in awe. "right? it's my favorite place to come and just be by myself and think" san replies as they sit by the river.

"that's so thought daughter of you" y/n says to which san laughs in response.

after a bit more time, the two walk back to y/n's apartment. "your house isn't too far away right?" y/n asks as they're about to head back upstairs.

"nope not at all you're actually super close to my place" san says as he says his goodbyes. "ok that's good thanks so much for showing me around!" y/n smiles. "anytime" san replies, before the two bid each other goodbye.

extras:

han river is so so pretty at night omg

y/n avid lover of sunsets l/n

ty for reading!

pls comment if you'd like to be on the taglist <3

taglist:

@mimikittysblog @hanoishere @katsukis1wife

[marcelinesghost13]

Ok blog we got some bullshit to talk about. Currently it is 4:20 in the morning. My brain has to do this block even though I'm fitting in and out. You may not make any sense of what I'm talking about cuz the thoughts are going to be completely random and all over the place. I'll definitely try to keep it together though but no promises.

So today I got to meet my therapist and my new PCP. I liked both of them. There are two factors that happened. One my blood pressure was actually pretty leveled. That's really because my wife didn't go with me and she wasn't screaming at me the whole fucking time. I mentioned this to her and she just laughed and actually said the only reason why your blood pressure is so high is because of me always screaming at you. That's some fucked up shit. Constantly knows the reason why my blood pressure is high is because of her. That's some really fucked up shit. But it was also talking to my friend the whole time who I see as a sister. I think to help keep my heart rate down. She's an amazing woman does a lot of amazing things.

I'm finally starting my journey towards who I'm supposed to be. I will be starting HRT in about 8 weeks. I was on it for a bit but I got off of it. That had to do with my wife and hurt bullshit. As many of you know she is not a fan of me becoming a woman. There are some days where she's okay with it and she talks about makeup and other things with me. But a great majority of the time she doesn't give a fuck she doesn't like the idea "it's weird". My doctor wants me to quit smoking. That's going to be a bad habit to quit. Especially since I've been smoking since I was 14 years old. But I bought this little device thing called FÜM air vaporizer. I don't know if it's supposed to help with smoking. Fucking thing better work that cost me a hundred dollars lol. But in any case I'm very excited about going on this journey I'm finally getting back on my HRT.

When I got home well actually scratch that before I go home I was already getting texts from my wife but where the fuck I was. Because I was gone for 6 hours basically. When I finally got home she asked if I had a good time. I asked her with what. She replied you know what I'm talking about you were gone all day having fun while I sat here having to put up with a crackheads. I told her I wasn't having any fun I was doing doctor's appointments. Her comment was sure you were I know what you were doing.

Then after that she went on a tangent of letting me know how I'm like my perverted father. Because that's all my dad does is go around fucking 20 year olds. That statement alone is fucking stupid as fuck. One my dad is impotent he can't get it up and the second factor is he can't take Viagra because he'll fuck with his heart and he can have a heart attack from it. So the chances of my dad actually having sex is like 0 to fucking none. Yeah my wife is insistent but that's exactly what my dad has been doing for the last couple weeks and why he ended up in a rehab retirement center.

That's another thing that she's been bitching about my dad being in a rehab retirement center. She's been so angry that he ended up there. Letting me know that he completely ruined our lives because he ended up there. That he's playing all these like mind games to fuck with her lives. I don't get how I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm answering doctor's appointments and Dr phone calls and all these other people there supposed to help but that's some of the problem my father has all this help and my wife has absolutely fucking no one according to her. So that's where the jealousy comes in because she's fucking jelly as hell. She does not like the fact that he has so many different people helping him with this process. Yet for years my wife has dealt with all of her doctors. I would help a lot more if I knew the phone numbers and the name of the doctors and stuff like that but she doesn't give me any of that information. She always find something when everybody to be angry about what they're doing in their life because her life is so miserable.

I think it's ridiculous that she acts like that. Stop being so miserable because everyone else is doing something in their life. Regardless of you agree to it or disagree to it. I get that the crackheads next to our house or drug addicts and you're going to act weird. Doesn't mean you have to mentally freak out on that shit. I understand that you grew up with people like that in your life. They need to learn to ignore it. You need to learn to conquer your trauma. She needs to learn to accept that certain people ask certain ways and you can't change that.

Oh dear my head's starting to get all light again. I'm trying to wrap this up pretty quick. So in any case besides my wife and her constant bitching and complaining about everyone that exists on this planet because she doesn't feel well. Things seem to be moving pretty good for me. Things are actually working very well for her too. Her doctor's finally figured out what's going on with her kidneys and bladder. So that's a plus. She is slowly getting better she just doesn't notice it. And I might be able to transfer over at work we'll see if that actually happened fingers crossed. All right about what happened to my dad in a different blog but as of right now that's currently where we're at.

So that's pretty much it that's what's going on so far. I'm going to go pass out now again because I'm exhausted and mentally drained.

081620240455

[megafreak400]

2024 Media Thread - #31

Crash Bandicoot (N Sane Trilogy) (8/19/24) -  Score - 1/10

So far this year, i’ve mostly played really good games. Last year I tackled more games on my backlog, to mix quality. This year i’ve played more new games or games on game pass so most of the games I've finished tend to be ones I’ve liked. There have been a few exceptions like the disappointment that was Ufouria 2, but overall I was starting to think I wouldn’t have any really bad games on this year's tier list. ENTER THIS FUCKING GAME! So let me give you a little bit of background. I was mostly a Nintendo kid, with a splash of Sega genesis. But my youngest brothers during the GameCube era were given a Playstation 1 at some point. So occasionally I’d check out what games they had for that and found a few I really gelled with. Jigsaw madness was a ton of fun playing against my brothers, Spyro 2 was a blast and then there was Crash Bandicoot Warped. I remember it being somewhat tough but having been a kid that preferred 2D platformers and missed them on the N64 and Gamecube, it was cool playing a game with a similar energy. Fast forward to college and while I never beat Crash Bandicoot Warped, the game stuck in my mind. At some point one of my college friends was selling some Playstation One games, and I had recently purchased a used PS2. They had a copy of Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex strikes back. I remembered fond memories of Crash, so I bought it from them. I had thought however that 2 was the game i had played in the past. So when I looked things up in more detail and I realized it wasn’t I was slightly disappointed. I did later play Crash 4 and overall enjoyed it (though i’m never 100 percenting it), but I never got back to Crash 2 for one reason or another and so it just sat on my backlog. That is until GamePass added the N sane trilogy to game pass. I was like “ok awesome this is a good excuse to mark another game off my backlog and I also get to finally play Crash Warped again. However I didn’t just want to jump into Crash 2. I could have, and probably should have, but if I’m playing 2 of the 3 Ps1 Crash games I might as well play them all right…….HAHA… WRONG!!! I finished this game out of spite. I finished this game to write this blog post because Crash Bandicoot 1 is by far the worst game I played this year, and might be the worst game I’ve beaten in a long time. All of this mind you is multiplied by the fact that the game has 2 sequels that are basically the same thing but better. It’s like how people don’t really talk much about Sonic 1 because Sonic 2 is just better in every way while also being basically the same thing. Mega Man 1 is also talked about in this fashion. But I don’t see too many people (more than I thought though after I lambasted this game in my Discord server) hating on the first Crash game. I’m shocked this series even took off because this game is just frustrating and mocking the player at every turn.

To start with, yes I’m playing the remake. From what i’ve been told by friends the physics are the same as what they were in the original. I’ve also seen conflicting accounts online that it uses Crash 3’s physics, and then other sources say it uses Crash 2’s physics. Ultimately, i’m willing to believe some of the precision isn’t nearly as awful in the original, but on the other hand, some of the easier difficulty aspects like being given masks after so many deaths or extra checkpoints were also added which balances things out in terms of which version is worse. On top of that apparently if you wanted to get every boxes in the original you had to do every level with zero deaths. I’ll get into how awful 100 percent is for this game in a bit, but fuck that. Also the original was programmed for the D-pad, but ultimately i’m going to tell you playing the remake with a control stick is still ass so I don’t think that’s a mark against the original. Ok where to begin? Well to start with as I mentioned above the physics in this game are ass. It’s possible it’s because a different momentum system was applied to overly precise levels but even if the momentum is the same, some of the precise jumps they ask you to do in this game are insane at times. There are so many 2D levels that have several vertical jumping sections that one wrong move sends you plummeting back to the bottom. Or a few horizontal sections with multiple small platforms or enemies you need to jump on. It reminds me of DKC Tropical Freeze when you only have DK, you pretty much have to be spot on with your jumps or you’re screwed. And while the many 2D levels are annoying, the traditional Crash Style hallway levels are also to blame for my rage. Those stupid bridge levels can go jump off a cliff, they’re horrendous, asking the player to land on a tiny plank multiple times while dodging WILD HOGS. It got to the point where I said screw it, found out you could walk on the railing of the bridge, and cheated my way to victory. Don’t get me wrong precision platforming can be very fun, but it never feels rewarding here. If I fail it’s because the level is a long ass gauntlet or because of the weird perspective at points that throws you off. Or again, because if you don’t jump at the last possible moment you will fall. Add into this the fact that like most bad old game it has a lives system and a game over sends you all the way back to the start of the level, and you can see why it just gets tedious. Maybe if other aspects of the game felt rewarding I wouldn’t be too annoyed by the platforming, but no the game is the opposite of rewarding. So the big thing with Crash is that you need to smash all the boxes in a level to get a gem. Can be a fun time in theory, though more often than not they get it wrong. In Crash 4 the levels were also long slogs, with some boxes hidden in a way that if you missed one you had to do it all over again. Long levels and the box mechanic don’t really go together, and unfortunately most of Crash 1’s levels are overly long. That would be fine though, if it wasn’t for the fact that 90 percent of the time YOU CAN NOT GET ALL THE BOXES ON THE FIRST RUN OF THE LEVEL. Why? Because multiple levels lock a few boxes behind a colored gem….that you will not be able to get until a future level in most cases. This means wasting your time until you realize this, and even after if you do want to do 100 percent it means slogging through the level again. And keep in mind I didn’t have fun the first time so there was no way in hell that I was going for a 100 percent. But that’s not good enough for the game. You didn’t get all the boxes? Well shame on you, how could you be so bad at games. Because of your crimes against gaming we’re going to proceed to smash a billion boxes that you missed on your head to make it hit home how awful you are at this game. Like seriously, you couldn’t get all the boxes? 

No game I couldn't because LITERALLY I NEEDED A GEM FROM A FUTURE LEVEL. This aspect of the game just infuriates me because I hate it when games feel the need to mock the player. 100 percent doesn't even feel that important in the game, so making a big deal out of it just rubs me the wrong way here. The box crashing animation is so bad, in Japan it was taken out because it was making kids cry. So ok the levels are mostly unfun slogs, 100 percent is a fool's quest, what about the bosses? Surely the bosses are a good time? Ha…Ha..ha, what do you think? The first boss is easy enough, but the second boss requires you to jump over small platforms above water to hit TNT boxes that will hopefully be timed to explode when a deranged kangaroo is jumping by to damage him. Sounds easy enough, but instead of flowing constantly through the water, the TNT boxes stop at each platform for a bit. When you stomp on them they stop moving for good so that they can explode, but while in theory the waiting is good to allow people an easier time to jump on them…they just take forever. So it causes this battle to drag. On top of that, small platforms and Crash 1 = precision jumping meaning I died a lot. Ripper roo sucks, and it’s hilarious because his battle in 2 is a joke, but here it made me want to pull my hair out. Most of the other bosses aren’t as bad but they all have elements of just…taking forever. Koala Kong is easy enough but he just takes so long to do anything. Other bosses like the weird gangster rat and N Brio aren’t horrible but also aren’t really fun either. Ultimately just get rid of the bosses, you already have stupid long levels we don’t need the bosses dragging this game out any longer.  Other negatives are the overuse of really bland locals, like dank tombs, dank castles and dumb bridges. I will say the Levels in Cortex’s lab are generally ok, feeling more like something you’d see in crash 2 with less precision, but overall most of the levels just felt like they were wasting my time. Music is whatever, it’s fine but for having to re do these levels over and over could you give me something catchy to listen to? Crash himself is ugly, but at least the remake let’s me play as Coco instead, and she functions basically identical to Crash himself.

I honestly don’t know how this series got popular. Maybe it was the novelty of the more 3D style levels but if you want precision platforming there are much better games. Crash is at it’s best when your collecting stuff in short levels and trying to do the levels fast (something Crash Warped would be perfect) and none of that exists here. Could I have 100 percented this game? Sure but why if i’m not enjoying myself? I never felt rewarded finishing a level here, I just felt relieved it was over. Anything good Crash 1 does is just done better in the later Crash game or is done better by a different platformer.  If you like Crash 1, more power to you, but to me it’s going straight in the trash.

[sodapaladin]

✨Top 10 Games of 2023✨

It’s time for my annual list. As usual, these are games I played this year, not that came out this year. So despite all the hits this year, don’t expect to see many of them!

10. Fire Emblem Engage

While I was wary of the new character designs and anniversary excuse-story, Engage turned out to be more enjoyable than I expected. Not my favorite Fire Emblem, but a good one nevertheless.

9. Paradise Killer

What *style*! I went and bought this game immediately after my friend showed me the song “Paradise (Stay Forever).” Going in blind was wild. I sure didn’t expect the protagonist to be part of an extra-dimensional cult. I love exploring the vaporwave island.

8. WarioWare: Move It!

A worthy successor to Smooth Moves. While the amount of extra context seems oddly lacking for a WarioWare game, I love all the creative uses for the joycons. With the major exception of Jimmy’s boss minigame, everything works shockingly well.

7. Super Mario RPG

I debated where to place this. On one hand, I don’t feel like the remake added too much. The QoL improvements are nice, but the SNES original is still perfectly playable. It’s also quite short for an RPG, and on the easy side. But it’s just so charming anyway.

6. Darkstalkers 3

AKA Vampire Savior, not to be confused with another game. On the quest to capture the magic Third Strike had for me, this comes pretty close. If only I could find online matches now.

5. Suika Game

I had to see what the hype’s about, and I understood. So simple and cute, yet challenging. A great way to kill a few minutes.

4. Advance Wars 1+2 Reboot Camp

I held off on this for a while, since I have both original games, and it didn’t seem like much was changed. The QoL improvements have been nice, though, such as speeding up the CPU’s turns. Most importantly, it no longer cheats during Fog of War, so you can actually strategize as intended instead of cheesing certain maps.

3. It Takes Two

Playing this co-op game with my brother was a blast. Solving puzzles through teamwork is a satisfying joy, and I’d love to play again as the other character sometime.

2. Vampire Survivors

So addicting. It was hilarious to find out the dev works on slot machines. Now it’s quite clear that they know all the right bells and whistles to set that dopamine off.

1. Monster Girls and the Mysterious Adventure 2

It’s incredible when you can feel the amount of love poured into the development of a game. I picked up this solo-dev passion project thinking it’d be a cute little indie game. I didn’t expect it to be my favorite mystery dungeon experience.

Everything from the writing and QoL features show how clearly the dev loves this genre and wants to make the best version of it. The balance is wonky, some of the recruitment requirements are questionably difficult, and the English translation is extremely rough, but I can’t help but be charmed by the whole package anyway. I’ve put in around 50 hours getting to the “final” boss of the story, and there’s still a massive postgame dungeon. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, but for fans of mystery dungeon games, absolutely.

[nintendowife]

I started Grandia II, a classic JRPG on PlayStation 2 a few days ago. I've owned the game for about 20 years and never finished it. So now I picked it up again with the intention of maybe finally finishing it. I found my old save file that had 8:26 clocked in… as in 8 minutes and 26 seconds, lol. I didn't expect I had dropped the game THAT soon back in the day! I started with a fresh save file now to ensure I get the full picture from the beginning.

I had bought the game pre-owned from someone and there was still a receipt in the game case. The person who had originally bought the game had exchanged their hard-earned 60 € for the title in 2002. And now comes the interesting part… the purchase was made in a small city where my husband was born in and lived his childhood and youth in! Quite the coincidence! He even knew the store the game was bought from, but he had no idea they sold videogames as it was a sporting goods retailer.

Anyway, I'm about 5 hours in the game and I've had trouble with navigation. The field of view is so tight it's difficult to see where I'm going and I keep confusing directions. There's no map when walking around and I can't read the compass very well to be sure where to go.

The battle system is different from other games I've played and I'm still learning the ropes with it. The game doesn't hold my hand so I've tried my best to understand the systems. Because who reads the manuals that come with the game, pfft. Well, my husband checked the instructions booklet's guidance for the compass and read it out loud while I was tilting my head confused, looking at the screen.

The music has been very nice and I was pleased with the lighthearted rhythms and melodies that balance the more serious and traditional JRPG pieces.

The characters so far are refreshing and Ubisoft has done a great job translating the game. I've enjoyed the dialogue a lot as it seems different from usual and throws around fun and interesting idioms. The English voice acting is surprisingly good as well. Bonus points for characters named after foods (Risotto, Paella, Carpaccio and Gonzola which I assume refers to Gorgonzola cheese). I'm also a fan of the character portraits.

Looking forward to continuing the adventure with Ryudo, Skye, Elena, Millenia and Roan!

[standardquip]

FF8 Live Reacts

Started the ps4 remaster of final fantasy 8 in may 2024. Finished in August. I've never played it before. Here's my live reacts. This is a compilation of the discord messages I sent during this time period while playing it.

Spoilers: I didn't like it and this is mostly a rant of me hating on it

(dates are dd/mm/yyyy)

Got rid of my ps5 a couple weeks ago, but guess who remembered there were still ps4 games they were interested in? I just bought disco elysium and ff8 remaster. Will be delivered on the 20th I've actually never played ff8 at all, but have always wanted to and now I'm going to attempt to make more headway in ps4 ff8

and boy do I have THOUGHTS about ff8 most of which are "ff9 is better" and "man RPGs back in the day really expect you to already know how RPGs work" but I'm only 2 hours in so who knows!

I definitely didn't pay enough attention to the dialogue originally, so I had to pull out a game walkthrough for THE FIRST AREA Which is fine, I guess, because this is a direct repeat of what happened when I played ff9 for the first time - got lost in the world map when the area I was supposed to go to was literally straight ahead quest markers and shit were amazing inventions, man, I'm glad those exist now

27/05/2024 11:21 I'm trying to give ff8 the old college try, but if I keep having to consult the playthrough every 5 minutes, I might just pull the plug

anyway I did not have much on the to do list for today, but I somehow finished it I will now go off to try to progress in that ps4 ff8 I could go off on complaining about stupid things with this game but I've brought on enough negativity for today ps4 ff8 it is, then I have come to a good point in the game to start grinding Somehow this is more fulfilling than the actual story

I guess I know now why I've wanted to play ff8 for so long. Teenage me would have loved ff8 First of all, squall (the main character) is just the perfect character design for my desires at the time, bonus points he looked just like me fr Also I love scars on the face, he was probably the whole source of that archetype The story is about them becoming mercenaries and doing mercenary things. Like's like, the bread and butter of every kid chat roleplaying those days, myself included of course. Who WASN'T a mostly silent merc who secretly hated everything but everyone looked up to? Unfortunately, my disappointment starts with the very beginning of the game: the opening cinematic

It plays off like some kind of abstract dream thing, but no, you're actually supposed to believe this is a thing that actually happened in real time. it's not an epic battle, it's just a stupid sparring match between classmates(? friends?) random visions of a woman are totally what causes squall to not beat seifer!! /s the scar DOESN'T HAVE ANY SPECIAL MEANING :tisacry:

Epic battle, epic music, mysterious circumstances

Actually just a training exercise between two 15 year olds who should not have been given the ability to use real weapons The first thing that happens in-game is squall going to the infirmary for his new injury, which somehow isn't serious or prevents him from doing anything that day, but is also enough to leave a scar. On his face.

Then we have Quistis, his instructor, who has only been teaching for 1 year, and turned 18 while she was teaching (Why are these people so young?) And she very much behaves exactly like a 17-18 year old, so it's no wonder that after the merc test she reveals to you (Squall) that 1. she got fired from teaching and 2. She's definitely DTF you (Squall is completely oblivious though) You finally meet the girl of your dreams at the ball you're voluntold to go to as a new merc, her name is rinoa and her opening line to you is "You're the best looking guy here" except that LATER you learn this is actually seifier's (the guy who gave you a scar) girlfriend Now, don't ask me how this works, because rinoa says that she met seifer that night but then when seifer "dies" when he encounters the sorcess for the first time, she says he was her boyfriend and has lots of good memories of him so yeah this doesn't make sense at all but WHATEVER

The "main" story is that a country(?) Is attempting to establish independence from another country, who is trying to take over the world with the help of a sorceress. I am currently only 6 hours into the game / not that far into the story. I have only just seen her for the first time, where she is like "You should come with me" and seifer just goes with her because he's a fucking tool One of their teammates blabs that this coup is from their organization ("the garden" ), so there might be some retribution (surprisingly there is none??????) and by the time the group gets back to a garden (HQ), they say that seifer was tried and his sentence was served, and everyone assumes it's execution. I have just left the garden and am on my way to… somewhere (I honestly forgot where lmao). And I am taking this break to grind Which leads me to my next complaint: the gameplay I HATE THE JUNCTION SYSTEM I like the IDEA of the junction system, and I can kind of see how FFX's sphere grid (and aeon upgrading) grew from it (I love the sphere grid, but it was also very imposing to a newbie). My main problems with the junction system, aside from the fact that it's got a severe learning curve, is that a GF (summon) must be junctioned to a character in order for that character to be able to have ANYTHING on their battle menu aside from "attack" Do you want to be able to use magic in a battle? haha fuck you, need a GF junctioned. How about an item? Nope, hope you have junctioned a GF to this character! haha!! Who the fuck decided to link these things

The OTHER main thing I hate about the junction system is that no character can perform magic innately. It has to be junctioned too. And in order to cast a spell, you have to steal it from someone else first ("stock" the magic). And what's even worse about this magic stocking thing, is that your stats are connected to your magic stock, so using any of your stocked magic will result in lowering your stats, creating this awful system where you should get 100 (the max) stock of every spell that has worthwhile stats increases and then NEVER CAST THEM IN BATTLE EVER So anyway I'm grinding in order to get 100 of the spells FOR EACH CHARACTER so I can get max stats I also am grinding to overlevel my characters because this absurd system has made it guaranteed I will concentrate on physical attacks OH THE OVERDRIVE SYSTEM It's called something else but I can't remember what atm It kicks in when you're low on health, or, in the ps4 version (which I'm playing) you cna press a button and it becomes available whenever. But the thing about it is that the interface sucks. It's not a separate menu option. It's a submenu of attack. so in order to use your overdrive, you have to put your cursor on "attack" then move it to THE RIGHT and then select the overdrive you want to use. (side note: pagination in this game is to the right/left, which I also hate) So if you are like me, and have the battles on x3 speed (another thing they added to the ps4 version) and are just holding down X to get through most of the boring ass battles, you will never do any overdrives I have the cursor thing on memory, so maybe if I turn overdrives on manually and select them once they'd automatically do it from that point forward, but that seems like cheating? So I haven't done it Actually I'm very confused on why the manual overdrive button is a thing that was added at all well anyway this concludes the rant I had bottled up from yesterday I will now start grinding on ps4 ff8 (As I chose to write this instead of actually starting the game when I mentioned it)

I discovered the written seed tests. I couldn't get higher than 80 on the first one. So of course I looked up the answers and now I'm at max level with no more tests to take 😂

At least I won't have any money issues anymore now

07/06/2024 23:47 I think I hate all the characters in ff8

Not only that, the music choice sucks ass

Like it actively makes every scene more boring

Idk how they got so much so wrong in this one. I'm glad 9 was my first ff

I just got to the scene where squall "dies" from the first fight with the sorceress.

Ff8 is just boring so far. I'll keep playing it until I either beat it or actively hate it

29/06/2024 18:48 I made it to disc 2 of ff8 Kind of disappointed there's no in-game indication that you have moved to disc 2 [in the remaster], aside from the subtitle in the save file

23/08/2024 21:35 Turns out the button that gives you the attack specials in ff8 also makes it so you never take damage wtf I could have been using god mode the ENTIRE TIME THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

I guess after I get this gf I want I'll plow through the rest of the game on god mode… Although with godmode now I don't even need this gf… Ugh

24/08/2024 00:07 Made it to disc 3 Game story still feels pretty stupid. But I'm more than halfway so hopefully I can just get through it. Godmode certainly makes that way easier

30/08/2024 01:12 I am about to fight the final boss of ff8 The story never made sense, was always stupid, and I never would've made it here without a guide But it will be over soon and I can maybe start disco elysium and hate on that next

30/08/2024 01:53 I'm done With ff8

[Someone else says: bit of a mindfuck innit? ]

No I'm just disappointed in it

------------

My final thoughts: So many things went unanswered. Rinoa and Squall's sudden romantic interest in each other never made any sense. Maybe the [possession + time travel + teen mercs/renegades + amnesia] plot points were semi-original for the time, but nowadays they feel lazy and overdone.

The junction system is horrible. The card game was too confusing to me so I never played it, however that's definitely on me and I feel like if I were younger it would've been a great game (I was a huge fan of Tetra Master in FF9).

The game controls are too clunky with no hints and there were several areas where if I had not looked at a walkthrough I never would have found or did the thing the game needed me to find/do to progress. It seems like they fixed that in FF9 with the little "?" thought bubble when you're near things that should be interacted with.

The one redeeming thing about the FF8 ending was that the sorceress Ultimecia is obviously AMAB but uses female pronouns, so I guess we could say that technically FF8 was before its time in trans representation lmao.

[remimibanana]

AVCon Day 1 2023 Report

I had the opportunity to go to AVCon this year, a convention in Adelaide that made its return this year! It was my first ever anime convention, and it was a whole load of fun!

I went with Pie @piedivide, a good friend of mine! He cosplayed 9S, you’ll see him throughout the report hehe ^^

The report is under the cut!

Since I was going to a convention, I thought I should cosplay! When else would I have the chance to after all?

There were so many characters I wanted to cosplay, but at the end I chose…..

Bocchi-Chan from Bocchi The Rock!

Here is my beautiful pose I did because I couldn’t think of any other pose lol

Her wig was an absolute nightmare though, it was always so tangled even when I brushed it out, I’m definitely going for a character with shorter hair next time.

Exhibit A:

See that mess lol

But regardless, let’s actually get into it!

Pre-Con

I got my butt up at 6am in order to get ready, since I wanted to get to the convention around 10am (spoiler alert I did not manage to get there by 10am).

I tied my hair back here because I was worried about sitting on the wig and pulling it off, but honestly I probably didn’t need to lol

Since the convention is in the city, I had to catch the train.

In full cosplay.

It didn’t help I forgot the timetables change on the weekends so I had to wait like 30 minutes at the station for the train to come with my mum lol

People were staring which was understandable, I was Bocchi after all with her bright pink hair and colourful costume lol

Lucky for me, there was a Yuyuka cosplayer and a few others also in cosplay so I felt less embarrassed.

The Yuyuka cosplayer actually sat behind me on the train!

Once I got to the station, I went straight to the bathroom to brush out my wig because it was a hot mess.

Still was a hot mess here actually lol

Con Time!

I met with Pie after my attempts of fixing the wig and we headed to the convention! So we got there like after 11am!

There was a okay line and we waited, and of course me being me, instantly started freaking out about all the cosplayers and pointing out who was who lol

Like right when we got to the line, I saw a Kagamine Rin cosplayer and I freaked out lol

There was a very pretty Mona too and I freaked out again lol

I did a lot of freaking out okay. That’s just how I am. You can’t expect me to stay calm at an anime convention! That’s like…impossible.

We were holding our phones with the QR code for our tickets and it was hard to believe we were here.

Pie and I sort of spontaneously decided to go like 8 months ago and I never thought the day would finally come. As we got closer and closer, it became more and more real.

Once we got in, we got our passes and we headed straight into the food hall (only because we had no idea where was what and we couldn’t be bothered getting out the map so it was a fun adventure lol).

I'm so glad we got passes! I thought we would get the paper tag but no! Real passes! Felt so cool!

Continuing straight, we arrived into the Video Games Hall, which had a giant stage and a lot of laptops! And right on the side was….handhelds?!

Whole bunch of games and consoles for sale, ranging from the N64 to the Wii! PlayStation 1! 3DS! DS! I was surprised, I didn’t think that I’d see any Wii games at the convention.

My hard drive I use with my Wii actually stopped working so I’ve been buying physicals of the games I really like ;;

And lo and behold, they had Mario Kart Wii. The one game I’ve been looking for since like….2021? Now I can play CTGP and mods!!

Instantly bought it along with Wii Sports Resort because I love Wii Sports Resort. Been wanting to play it.

And it was right there and I couldn’t resist okay

Already managed to spend money and I just got there lmao

It is what it is.

Anyway, we continued through the hall, admiring all the games. It was just all so cool! I saw Street Fighter 6 and went :O

There was also a giant Game and Watch System!

I was mostly in awe the whole time. I also continued my freaking out lol

Then we exited to the Artist Alley. The holy grail of art. There were over 90 artists there.

Hoo boy I dropped money here lmao

We beelined to Kamaniki’s booth (I freaked when I saw their name on the map lol), but also taking the time to walk and see all the art! Everyone is so talented, it’s incredible!

We found Kamaniki’s booth and we each bought two prints. I got Pyra and a Bocchi the Rock one!

Pie and I decided that we had to buy a print with our respective characters on it, and we did! Pie got a Nier Automata one that had 9S on it.

We then continued our trek, and then I bought more prints because I couldn't resist lol

We then went to the Exhibition Hall which was full of anime merch! There were stalls everywhere.

We saw Callie and Marie plushies and guess what we did….

We bought them instantly lol

I got Callie and Pie got Marie!

Then we walked around some more and oh my god they had Hololive gacha. Volume 4 and 5. I made this screech and Pie laughed his head off lmao

I love Hololive okay

I thought we needed coins for it (which I did not have) but we had to buy tokens (which I could with the power of my card). I bought two rolls and did each Hololive gacha!

I tried to predict who I would get but I was very wrong haha, but I didn’t mind who I got. I like everyone in Hololive!

I got Lui and Marine! Love them so much.

Pie did a Spy X Family one and a Hololive one too. He actually nearly did the wrong gacha until I yelled at him not to lol (you’re welcome Pie lol).

I saw a stall that was operated by my Uni (they’re a sponsor) and it made me think about the fact I had Uni the next week ;;

Then we walked around some more! It was so cool seeing so much merch in one place! Had to resist buying stuff, I already spent quite a bit at this point aha

After we decided to go get some food because we were hungry.

We wanted to try Takoyaki but they ran out, all they had left was Karaage Chicken. It was really good!

We had to wait for like…20 minutes for it which was fun. I was 47th and they only announced like...30…..

Us waiting lol

Someone actually came up to me asking for a photo during that time and I was really happy!

Never thought I’d get asked for any photos honestly. It made me so happy! Pie got asked for photos too, it was so cool!

Actually someone came up to Pie and said “Hey I really like your 2B costume!” which was really hilarious lmao

Of course Pie was kind and stuff and said thank you but still lol

And Pie also asked for photos as well!

Love the poses here hehe

I had the bright idea to torture myself by using chopsticks. I know how to use them, but I’m absolutely crap at using them.

I also had a fork so I could give up at any time. Like halfway through, I decided to just use my fork. I reached out to grab it, thinking I would be saving myself all the struggle.

But tragedy struck.

I DROPPED THE FORK ON THE GROUND 😭

I was forced to use the chopsticks the whole time and Pie just watched me suffer

I’m a chopsticks failure……

After I finally finished, we went to get some photos together! For this occasion, I bought a tripod! It came in handy!

We took a lot of photos!

Some of the ones I like (I would put them all but no space sadly, Tumblr limit ;;)

My eyes also decided to kill themselves half way through and I had to retreat to the bathroom. I looked like I was crying when I wasn’t ;;

My eyes like to do this thing where if something irritates it, it starts tearing up immediately. It’s very fun (T_T)

I think it was after this, I saw a Mizuki from Arknights cosplayer. Didn’t expect to see Mizuki here but I freaked out of course lol

I love Mizuki.

And I really wanted a photo. But I was too shy to ask.

So Pie did for me (thank you Pieeeee)

ME AND MIZUKI AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa

Namie-mama I did it!! They were so kind!

Then we just walked around for the rest of the con pretty much, though all the halls. Bought some more prints and simply enjoyed our time!

When it was nearly the end of the con, we decided to buy each other one print that the other would like. We split off, and I went bounding down the left side of the Artist Alley.

I didn't even go that far when I saw the perfect print. It was a beautiful BOTW print with Link riding a horse. It screamed Pie so I bought it immediately.

The artist even offered another print for another $10 but I declined because we were only meant to get one print for each other.

So I sat and waited at the area we agreed to meet at since I already found the perfect print quicker than I anticipated.

Picture I took while waiting.

More people asked me for photos actually to my surprise, there was this little kid who wanted a photo with me and it was so adorable. Made my heart warm hehe ( ◠‿◠ )

Like so! I heard "Bocchi" from behind me and I'm like "Huh??" “That’s me!”

I honestly wished I got more pictures with cosplayers, I was too shy to ask like anyone lol, next time I really want to ask people! Got to be more confident!

But I did admire them from afar! Staring a bit creepily but that’s definitely what Bocchi would do lol

There were these Genshin cosplayers that looked amazing, especially this Yaoyao and this Arlecchino and Columbina!!

And I saw Mew Ichigo too!! Apparently they made their cosplay themselves which is sick.

I didn’t take that many pictures of the convention itself, since I was mostly just experiencing everything, taking it all in. Next time I want to take more!

And make a vlog too!

Definitely want to go to another convention again! And spend way too much money (I refuse to look at my bank account, I don't want to know how much I spent lol).

Thanks for reading my report! ^^

Bocchi is having a crisis