#also a little bit of

[kradogsrats]

One Truth: The Nature of the True Heart

The Dragon Prince has long dealt with contrasts and tensions between idealism and pragmatism, particularly as a source for character conflict. From Harrow, Sarai, and Viren clashing over the Magma Titan to Callum, Ezran, and Rayla deciding whether to pursue killing Aaravos or securing his prison, principles weighed against practicality is a never-ending battle for the characters of this world and story.

Since the story never purports to give us the answers to the moral questions it poses, we as the audience are left to form our own opinions and judgements. One of those that is fairly consistent across a lot of the fandom is that Ezran is naive in his pacifism and reliance on negotiation. My opinion on this has largely always been "yeah, he's naive... but he's literally twelve years old and that's developmentally appropriate, even without the trauma."

We knew Ezran and his growth would be challenged in s7, but what we also got was a codification of that process as a tangible in-setting phenomenon: the true heart.

The true heart is described to Terry, Claudia, and us (the audience) as a way of seeing the world that is innocent and good-natured, without the complexities introduced by adult concerns. All children begin life with this worldview, but it is inevitably challenged over the course of their growth by situations that it cannot necessarily react to without being inherently altered.

It is possible, though rare, to hold on to the true heart past childhood into at least the beginning of adulthood—it is revealed to us that Terry is one who has, against all odds, retained his true heart. This allows him to read the map to the Garden of Innocents, the final resting place of unicorns. However, it's Ezran whose arc through s7 is most related to the true heart, as he confronts new challenges in the world around him as well as changes to himself and those he loves.

But what is a true heart? What does it actually mean to have one?

Simple and Clean: Language Surrounding the True Heart

First of all, I think the way the true heart is intended winds up being difficult to articulate properly because even the most neutral language used to describe it is loaded with baggage. Innocence, purity (though "pure" is a word used only by Kruha, who demonstrably struggles with human language), light and darkness, simplicity, and even childhood are all concepts that carry cultural connotations that skew our perception of what's being discussed.

In the heavily Christian-influenced culture of the West and USAmerica, the concepts of childhood, innocence, and simplicity in combination carry associations that become protectiveness, condescension, or dismissal. While childhood and innocence are valued as things that should be protected in those who have them, that leads adults to dismiss children as essentially lesser beings. Innocence and simplicity together are indistinguishable from naivete, another feature associated with a need for protection, but with a nice slice of contempt on the side. If you weren't so naive, you would have known better than to get hurt.

Finally, from a perspective saturated with Christianity, innocence is also conceptually inextricable from the concept of sin. Like, one of the central myths of Christianity is that the first humans were enticed to defy God and eat the forbidden fruit that granted knowledge of good and evil, which made them aware that their naughty sex parts and female-presenting nipples must be covered, which meant they had to be expelled from paradise into a world of struggle, pain, and death. This transgression was so severe that it tainted every human ever born, until a few thousand years later when God personally came to earth as a self-cannibalizing sacrifice to essentially pay bail on letting their souls into heaven. (This is a very serious and 100% theologically accurate summary, don't @ me.) As a result, we get fucking weird about innocence and its "loss."

The point is that in the setting, it's strongly suggested that there is no inherent "better" or "worse" to whether you have a true heart or not. You aren't morally superior for having one (though the nature of the true heart aligns more with compassion and openness, it doesn't have a monopoly on them), nor are you necessarily wiser or more mature for not. There are roles and circumstances where one might serve better than another—the likelihood of Ezran being able to continue indefinitely as king with a true heart has always been low, but an argument could definitely be made that his true heart was necessary to change the world, and the setting would not be what it now is without it. The true heart—as well as people who retain it into adulthood, like Terry—is a vital part of society, in that it inspires people toward an ideal. Terry calling out Claudia on her cruelty toward Rayla shames her enough to go back and correct it. Ezran giving up the crown in exchange for the safety of any moral dissenters within the Katolis army gives those dissenters space to take a stand—something crucial to their eventual victory.

So here's how I propose thinking about it in a way that's slightly less loaded with unnecessary associations: instead of innocence, the true heart is about faith. Specifically, an unwavering faith that people are inherently good. From that faith, several important conclusions are derived:

People are inherently good, therefore all people want the same or similar things both for themselves and for the world: peace, plenty, and community

People are inherently good, therefore if someone is intentionally doing things that hurt others, they either don't understand the impact of their actions or are lashing out as a result of fear or pain

People are inherently good, therefore treating everyone with dignity, respect, and compassion is the natural state of any society

These form the basis of the worldview and resulting behavior of those with true hearts.

The Tides are True: Depth and Complexity

Despite all of that, Aaravos describes the true heart in a fairly neutral manner to Claudia:

All children have a true heart. But as we grow up, we are forced to make choices, sacrifices, compromises. And they change us forever. Childhood innocence gives way to something... complicated.

and later to Terry:

The true heart is a gift of childhood. For a few wonder-filled years, we each have innocent eyes to experience the world's beauty in a simple way. I have seen generations of humans and elves accept the darkness that lurks in all of us beside the light. There is no black or white, only shades of gray. We must all carry complexity. But please believe me that there is beauty in this burden. Your heart will be a little heavier. But now, there will be no more half-truths.

In both explanations, he refers to what replaces the true heart—what we grow into—as "complicated." We learn to accept that nothing, including ourselves, is purely one way or another, but at some gradient point in-between that will be different from everyone else's. The words he uses—"light" and "darkness," "black or white," "shades of gray"—all carry strong connotations of a scale of morality, and the understanding that nothing can be fully good or fully evil, but is instead inevitably... complicated.

However, I think this is meant to be a little deeper than just that surface-level association to tie in with the overall light/dark and complex morality themes of the show overall. These are things we've heard in another context: of all the primal sources Callum could have focused on or arcana he could have unlocked in arc 2, there's a reason what we got was Ocean.

A better way to refer to the "darkness that lurks in all of us beside the light" is as those depths you can't see—it's not about good and evil, it's about clarity and obscurity. Simplicity and complexity. People, even people you love, aren't all the same. They don't all want the same things for themselves and the world.

There are depths within you that you may not see or understand, but even more so, there are depths in others that you will never see or understand. Even if someone is only lashing out because they're hurting, there are hurts you cannot heal. There are people who will refuse to allow their hurts to heal. There are people (and by people I mean Aaravos) who would rather make the entire world hurt along with them than ever allow themselves to heal. You can't heal these people for them. It's beyond your control, and all you can do is respond appropriately to their actions and mitigate the harm they do.

When you accept that, you will treat those people differently. You may decide to keep trying, but with the knowledge that it will be an uphill battle of strategy, compromise, and progress so slow that few will recognize your work as worthwhile. You may decide not to waste your time and effort on them anymore, and focus your attention on doing a broader range of good more efficiently than struggling to change a single heart or mind. You might decide to make them the enemy, and purposefully antagonize them because you are hurting, too—maybe even because of them.

The point is that there is now "us/me" and "them," and that's what's antithetical to the true heart. You can't fix everything simply by reaching the part of them that's the same as you. You will have to compromise.

A Just King: Ezran's True Heart

Before examining Ezran's true heart arc in s4-s7, I want to point out a much earlier, and perhaps unexpected, appearance of a textbook child's true heart:

Yes, back in s1e2, Callum had a true heart. (By the standards with which I'm describing it, at least.) Where did it go? When did it go? Someone more interested in Callum could probably write a very long essay about that. You could probably make a case that being possessed by Aaravos the first time is the final vestiges sliding away.

This also highlights my personal theory that the true heart of childhood is not usually lost in a single, all-or-nothing event. It's like losing your baby teeth—under normal circumstances, it happens one or two at a time over the course of a few years, until you've Ship of Theseus-ed your whole mouth. (Also, in contrast to things like "losing" your virginity, there's no weird purity or moral connotations to it. It is a completely normal thing that happens to everyone as part of growing up.) However, it's also possible to have some, a majority, or even all of your baby teeth traumatically knocked out of your head at once.

Oh, wait.

Let's roll back a bit, first. Ezran's arc, like... well, everyone's, gets its initial setup in s4. In fact, it kicks off s4: the major event starting the season is Zubeia's visit to Katolis, which is clearly one of Ezran's first big initiatives toward not just peace, but potential unification.

In the lead-up to Zubeia's visit, Ezran's true heart is on full display in his behavior and the assumptions he's making:

Zubeia is a good person, and good people will understand and accept that both she and other dragons should be treated as friends.

Everyone will approach this meeting with open hearts, because everyone wants to grow toward peace and understanding.

Even when the meeting, where he is honoring the Dragon Queen in the final resting place of human kings and queens, no small number of whom (including his own mother) were killed by dragons, is sabotaged by a relatively mild act of vandalism, look at his response:

The person who did this is obviously lashing out because they are hurting—they are angry, and that anger needs to be soothed. He affirms that he and the people are the same, inside. They are all angry and in pain... but, like him, they all want to not be angry and in pain anymore, and understand that the way to do that is to move forward.

This is not to say that he's wrong, or even ineffective—he speaks from his true heart, in a poignant call to both himself and his people to acknowledge the past while looking to the future, and to reach for that future in every way they can instead of clinging to the hate of the past. It's a key scene for all of arc 2, and one that is returned to over and over again, thematically.

However, it's also a point where he demonstrates how his true heart leaves him ill-equipped to approach Rex Igneous's selfishness, or Sol Regem's hatred, or even Karim's petty arrogance... much less the shit Aaravos has going on.

(Speaking of Sol Regem... he not only refuses to be healed, but instead demands to be remade into an engine of indiscriminate death and destruction. He really does out-bitter Aaravos, on occasion.)

Then s7 hits, and two things happen: Katolis is destroyed, and Runaan is returned to the living world. Well, both of those technically happen in s6, but Ezran actually has to deal with them in s7.

For all that Katolis being destroyed sets Ezran on a path toward the complex politics and morality of nuclear deterrence, it's really the situation with Runaan that both tests and exemplifies Ezran's true heart. Aaravos's initial explanation of the true heart ("Childhood innocence gives way to something… complicated.") is directly overlaid on Ezran's dealing with the aftermath of Callum helping Rayla and Runaan escape the Banther Lodge. I don't think Ezran ever really expected to have to deal with Harrow's killer, since Runaan is presumed dead, so he's unprepared to be confronted with it—particularly given that he has convinced himself he's over it, when he really isn't. He's tested both in suddenly facing a person he can't see as good, deep down. Runaan wasn't lashing out because he was hurting or scared, nor can Ezran conceive of them wanting the same things. There's also the sense of betrayal at Callum and Rayla differing so deeply from his own reaction, when they were previously so in tune—literally banding together despite being born on opposite sides of a millennia-old war, because they recognized the goodness in each other and that they all wanted peace.

Ezran's reaction to Runaan is definitely affected by what happens to Katolis—he's denied not only any kind of justice for Sol Regem's attack, but any explanation. Runaan's fate is something he can ostensibly control, in a situation where he feels both responsible and powerless. Now, an entire separate post could be done about s7's recurring exploration of punitive versus restorative justice through Rayla's trial, Ezran and Runaan, Janai and Karim, Terry, and (as always) Aaravos, but to briefly recap part of my meta on Terry's true heart and growth: Terry, in being challenged during s7, comes to realize that even if he chooses to continue holding to his true heart's faith in the world and others, he is complicit in the harm Claudia and Aaravos have done, and he feels compelled to start doing the work to repair that harm as much as he can. While he hasn't necessarily done anything that would warrant punitive justice, he recognizes that truly doing good requires work and effort, and sometimes doing difficult things. There's not really anything Runaan can (knowingly) offer to make right what he did, beyond his confession that he has come to realize everything he believed at the time was wrong, and he did grievous harm to Ezran that night. However, in that confession, he says something crucial:

Ezran's true heart led him to rule in a way that changed the world for the better, moving toward an unprecedented era of peace—something that, to Runaan's eyes, required a great deal of strength to put aside completely legitimate pain and grievances that could have easily rekindled millennia of war. (See also: "It's a strong name" in that Terry meta.)

I think it's in part because of that reminder—the description of the kind of person and king he wants to be—that Ezran chooses compassion and working toward forgiveness with Runaan. He's not choosing the true heart as a core part of his identity the way Terry does, but his own past true heart inspires his current self to make a decision that's right, but also hard. As with Terry, he is discovering that goodness can take work—true, concerted effort to both determine and follow the right path.

Does Ezran retain his true heart throughout s7? I don't know. I don't think it's entirely as simple as a yes/no state, and he has definitely lost some of his earlier confidence and beliefs. Ultimately I'm not sure it matters. He took a solid punch to the mouth, but either way... it seems like he's going to come out of it okay.

Not Worthy: Claudia's Skewed Perception

And now, a final tangent.

All that stuff I said earlier about a true heart not making you better or worse, and its "loss" being morally neutral? Well, there's at least one person who doesn't see it that way.

In s7, Claudia's inability to read the map and Terry leaving her (as she knew he would, when he learned the truth about her and her behavior) both contribute to the insecurities she has carried for most of her life. Claudia derives most of her self-worth from being very good at dark magic, and therefore loses emotional stability when either she "fails" at something magic-related or dark magic itself is questioned.

This is an interesting connection, because the true heart and/or its loss isn't inherently linked to dark magic. A true heart doesn't shrivel and die at your first dark magic spell, but it's inevitable that the practice of dark magic will at some point become impossible to reconcile with the core beliefs of the true heart simply because they're inherently incompatible... you can't see sapient magical creatures as "people" the same as you and as resources for spell ingredients. So while it's not surprising that Claudia no longer has her childhood true heart, it's not necessarily because of her dark magic... and yet, some part of her perceives it as an indictment against her.

We also know exactly where she probably internalized that view:

Puzzle House is actually where we first encounter the concept of the true heart, as a yes/no state that allows you to access the map to the Garden of Innocents. Kruha, the map's guardian, doesn't ascribe any moral value to being able to see the map or not—noting that he, himself, is "too old" to see it, anymore. However, a single note from Kpp'Ar, combined with her own insecurities at a point of emotional turmoil in her life—her mother has left her, Kpp'Ar has (apparently) left her, she's acting out by attempting increasingly complex self-taught magic and keeps getting in trouble because of it—lead even a 7-year-old Claudia to question whether she might also be unable to see it due to being "not good."

We still don't know why Kpp'Ar was seeking the Garden of Innocents and what caused his "change of heart," but if it's at all comparable to Viren's experience, he was going through The Horrors(tm)—it's not surprising that he'd indulge in a little self-loathing in what's meant to be a private note. Claudia, meanwhile, has her faith in him as a mentor figure she wishes to emulate shaken—he imprisoned Kruha, keeping him collared like an animal, away from his home and family. She knows that's wrong, and struggles to reconcile the Kpp'Ar she knew with someone who would do that. If Kpp'Ar is somehow bad, and she didn't know, could she also be bad and not realize it?

This is particularly interesting to me because she doesn't have this crisis when Viren quits dark magic, even when he explicitly tells her he led her down the wrong path. She does question whether she should also quit dark magic, but it's from the perspective of "it seems like it might have done him a lot of good, emotionally... maybe I should also try it?" rather than "my dad thinks I'm evil, actually," or even "my dad explicitly said he hopes I'll take a different path, one day... am I betraying him if I don't?" She's remarkably chill about it, though to be fair, she's probably still in a state of emotional shock and dissociation. She gets progressively more sensitive about it again during s7, particularly as she receives validation from Aaravos.

Anyway, just a little window into which little wheels are spinning in Claudia's head when she insists she hasn't changed:

I'm sure that won't be significant as she starts her Dragon Girl Summer (and Autumn, and Winter, and Spring).

[smalldumbpigeon]

sketch dump of various haurchefants i may or may not have shown

also bonus of Haurchie and Francel :3

[shadowthedragoncat]

I love zasp so much that i will draw him ill :333333

[seongghoul]

hmm. christening my new sketchblog with some lucifers.

[maedhros-erchamion]

[lungache]

thinking about how pangzi calls wu xie tianzhen and how the meaning behind it transforms. because there comes a time where wu xie is inarguably not a naive kid anymore. and how pangzi probably mourned the loss of that innocence a little bit because it came at such a cost. but also how pangzi keeps calling him that- a little as a joke, but also not. maybe he says it as a reminder of who wu xie was and is. because time stole wu xie's innocence but his curiosity and some of that wonder and hope remain, even after everything.

[andypasta]

another sketchbook dump

[translightyagami]

New L/Matsuda fic

Going Up

L and Matsuda get stuck in an elevator, and Matsuda confesses he’s always been in love with L. In an attempt to do a good deed before he dies of overheating, L says Matsuda can do whatever he wants with him. Will he regret his selflessness when he sees how big Matsuda’s dick is, or will that be L’s heavenly reward?

This fic is inspired by one of the most silly DN doujinshis of all time: Elevator Action. I always liked how over the top the story was, but it felt a little short and unfinished to me. So I re-envisioned the whole elevator sex idea with a little more meat on its bones. Hope you enjoy!

[blingblingsparklesparkle]

I read Three Assassins. Now I’m obsessed with cicada…

[akirakirxaa]

I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday (I know I'm bad news, I saved it all for you.)

[eggs-can-draw]

Hey did you know I am now capable of drawing Ibuki consistently

[our-stars-graveside]

Sad, sad demise of the Team: Sam and Destiel ~ aka i could not think of a name for this crackfic that i took a tiny bit seriously

✨✨happy birthday @naughtystiel !!!! seemed like a fun event and i have no idea if you like stargate (checked your ao3 but no luck) so tada this fic requires no knowledge of it but it’s there :)

dean/castiel | 800-ish words | supernatural/stargate sg1 (just the concept of stargate ig)

warnings: destiel (and sam) gets gate-napped but they are also canon and alive. i don’t know

—x—

Cas stepped into the suspect’s living room, gaze focused on a book.

“Dean?” He murmured. It was not at all like Dean didn’t know Cas would never speak so softly to Sam. So he definitely did not always have to pretend he didn’t find it intolerably adorable. Nope.

The man in question glanced up from where he lightly traced the symbols on the ugly yellow wallpaper.

“Yeah? What’d you find, Cas?”

Dean did also not ever say Castiel’s name more often than necessary. He was just not soft for him like ever.

He stepped back over the rolled-up carpet to meet the angel halfway across the room, hanging over Cas’s shoulder, not so close he could feel his light exhale or anything.

“These markings appear to be drawn by the same hand as those on the wall,” Cas mused.

At Dean’s brow raise, he continued, “They are not Enochian, but I have seen some like them…long ago. Those,” he pointed to the large ring of symbols on the wallpaper, “-are a sort of parody of the original, I believe.”

Dean studied his focused frown just because his eyes accidentally ended up on his mouth of course, pursing his lips.

“So what you’re saying is, we don’t know anything. Someone thought flexing artistic license on ancient voodoo charms was a good idea so they vanished the guests in the middle of their dinner party. Great.”

The moose assumed bitchface #7 as he headed towards the two from the hallway, opening a desk drawer. His hoof scrabbled on the handle for a tense moment. Cas flipped a page.

“I am sure it was not intentional,” he told them.

“Oh yeah?”

A loud click interrupted Dean’s hangry overworked hunter rant. Then another. All eyes turned to the drawings on the wall: out of 39, two at opposite sides of the circle had lit up.

The trio moved back to the center of the room, Dean taking a defensive position. Yes, he brought a knife to a…well, a something-fight. Something that was absolutely not natural.

Four more clicks sounded, and four more symbols sent gold light onto the dusty floor in rapid succession as Dean hissed, “Cas? Tell me you’ve seen this before?!”

Castiel looked worried, dropping the book, but he said nothing. In the sudden golden glow, Dean looked positively ethereal, fierce-yet-scared look and all. He very much wanted to count his freckles again, though that would have to wait for later. Naturally he dropped the book for some other reason though, like because a seventh symbol clicked and lit.

The moose practically honked when the wall exploded. Pretty much literally, only within the circle, which sucked the explosion back in before it could touch the frightened wild creature.

Dean rushed to Sam’s side, pulling him away with difficulty because a massive skittering foot struck out and hit him in the calf more than once. Poor literate moose.

Inside the circle glimmered a puddle. It looked like one anyway, and Cas found himself stepping towards the glowing, water-like portal with undivided fascination. The shade of blue reflected beautifully off the angel’s eyes, Dean noted.

That was the last thing he noted before a purple tendril yanked Cas into the puddle. Dean dropped the moose and leaped…and fell, arms empty.

Two sets of shoes appeared before his gaze. Dean struggled back to his feet only to see himself, and Castiel.

“Cas?” He started.

But this Cas was out of breath, sweating, and trenchcoatless. So not Cas.

Fake!Dean supported Definitely Not Cas as he stumbled into the room.

Dean stared and clenched his knife except he dropped that one already. He grabbed a different knife from his belt to grasp angstily instead.

Dean:///// took one look at Dean and a cursory glance at his startled right-hand moose and seemed to realize something.

“Can you…” he glanced back at the innocently shimmering portal-puddle. Porta-puddle?

That-ain’t-my-Cas shook his head, panting. “Take..too long. To,, imbue..them.”

Secondary Dean hummed and nodded. He eased Not Even Castiel onto the floor, leaning him against a chair that was probably there purely for plot convenience.

“Who are you?” The moose spoke up because Dean was too busy analyzing Cas????? to be sure he could not be Cas. He was still pretty so it was hard to tell.

Dean #2 ignored him.

“Well, we only need one of us here, wouldn’t you agree?”

Evil Dean spun, elbowing Dean in the ribs so hard he stumbled towards the portal. With a last kick, since the supposed hunter lost all fighting capability the moment the storyline formed, Dean fell inside and was gone.

“Oopsie,” Victorious Dean snickered. He leaned down to press a soft kiss onto Cas-not-Cas’s lips.

Knew it, Sam thought.

“Looks like we’re staying, huh?”

Cas smiled a little.

Sam emerged from his DeanCas moment and gaped.

Five minutes, three futile bullets, and chaotic moose kicks later, he was gone too.

Because morally highly questionable actions running this thing or not, what CW Spn does will always be worse.

Destiel wins. Sort of.

—x—

thanks for readin, love ya! <3 and happy birthday again to the host aha ✨

@motionlessblackveilbride you are legally obligated to read this. sorry.

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[a-sweeter-solarsystem]

take my hand for a moment

your objective from this point on is to survive

the election results are going to take a few days. The world is going to be very tense. I want you to take all the things you like to do to distract yourself and splurge on them. I want you to go eat your favroite foods and spend time with friends. I want you to do what you gotta do to make sure you can make it through the week.

There are people out there who want you to survive. There are people out there who are just as scared as you are.

We'll get through this. We will find a way

[cracklewink]

table for one

[inkskinned]

you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.

but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.

i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.

so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.

you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."

i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"

"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.

i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.

and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.

you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."

"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."

you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.

i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"

"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."

"do i die?"

you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."

"oh."

"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."

i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.

i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.

"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."

i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.

you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."

"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.

you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."

"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.

i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."

you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."

"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."

"you could always die, to be fair."

i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"

"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."

i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."

"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."

i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"

"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."

i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"

i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.

"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."

you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.

you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.

i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.