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cheekygreenty · 4 years ago

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Kill two birds with one Stone - The Darkling x Reader.

I can't find the person that requested prompts 4&6 from the angst list sorry! But this is set in Siege and Storm, for anybody that hasn't read the books yet, this includes spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The news spread like wildfire, the sun-summoner was back in the Little Palace and commanding the Second Army. As much as it hurt you to see Aleksander's absence on the grounds, you felt an obligation to Alina and all of Ravka. He never brainwashed you into thinking his plans for the Fold were right, you just blindly followed him, your logic tainted with your love for him. That's not to say you still didn't love him, of course you still did, something like that doesn't just disappear overnight.

There was only one thing keeping you sane, and that was knowing he was alive. That night on the skiff, smack back center in the Fold, you feared for his life but chose to help Alina. You wish you could say it was your guilty conscience that made that decision, but it was far from it.

The jealousy and sorrow of finding out Aleksander had feelings for Alina were enough for you to leave him to be ravished by the volcra. He was a vengeful monster, a man who would stop at nothing to get what he wants, but he was also the man who wiped your tears when you cried and the one who held you tight as you slept. Naturally, you knew he hated you for betraying him, but you didn't care, he was alive and not dead because of you.

The day after the skiff incident, once Alina and Mal headed West and you returned to the Little Palace to recover as much damage as you could, you felt a strange feeling, a darkness you'd never felt before. It stretched within you, sometimes letting anguish pulse through you, sometimes pain, but never happiness. It was strange, and to this day you didn't understand what it was.

You dropped on the bed with a loud sigh still fully clothed in your red kefta. Today was a long day. You were serving on the council, representing the Corporalki order and although you weren't alone, sometimes you felt as though you were the only one listening to what Alina had to say. All you wanted to do was sleep, and dinner was still an hour away from being served.

You forced yourself to get up and attempt to fix the mess on your head. The past week had been so busy you barely had time to dress, never mind preen yourself. Just as you went to pick up a brush, a movement in the corner of your eye caught your attention.

No. Impossible.

You felt that familiar feeling of sadness run through you, sending a slight shiver up your spine. Even in the heat of the room, you had goosebumps.

You shut your eyes tightly, praying to the Saints you weren't losing your mind, but as you slightly opened them, he was there in the flesh, eyes burning a hole in the back of your head. The council knew he would be back to take back his Palace, you were somewhat prepared, so how in Saint's name is he here right now?

Despite all the love and admiration you claim to have for him, you can't help but jump up and raise your hands, ready to protect everyone inside as best you can. Love be damned, there are children here. He was the first to speak, putting his hands up in surrender.

'I'm not going to fight you' His voice. You missed it. It haunted your dreams and was the cause of your nightmares. His desperate begging as you helped pacify him to allow Alina to leave the Fold safely still echoed in your head

'You're going to have to otherwise you're not leaving this room.' The strength in your voice surprised you.

'I'm not leaving the room either'

'How did you even get in?' His monotone expression twisted into a sly smirk and the weird feeling spread through you again.

'Not the first time I've done it.'

'Don't play games with me Aleksander'

He quickly strode up to you, grasping your hand in his and roughly turning you around to face the mirror again. You barely had time to react as your eyes caught what was going on. He's not there...But he is. You could feel his touch, hear his steady breathing, even smell his pine scent. The man wearing an extravagant black kefta wasn't in the mirror. You were going insane.

'Get out of my head!' You shouted and pushed him away. 'I'm not sorry for betraying you if that's why you're here.' The fear was now collecting in your eyes, letting small tears roll down your face.

'It was a silly mistake, Y/N, one you won't make again I'm sure.' His voice did nothing to soothe you, it did the exact opposite of what it always did: it scared you.

'Leave' This is a bad dream, when you open your eyes he'll be gone.

'Darling, join me. I don't wish to see you on the losing side-' you felt him cup the side of your face gently '- it doesn't suit you'

And with that, he was gone, disappearing into the air as if he'd never been there in the first place. You couldn't process what had just happened. Was it just your mind playing tricks on you? He felt so real, but he wasn't there. Why did he even come to see you? Was it to make sure you were ok? Or to show you that he was ready to grasp revenge in both of his hands. Either way, he came to see you and only you, in private.

Little did you know, Alina would get a visit from him that night too.

Taglist (tell me if u want to be added!!)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld @0-artemis @exo-1204 @staradorned @bookfrog242 @simp-for-ben-barners @keepdaydreamingbb @acciorudolphx

#shadow and bone #grisha #imagine #the darkling #the darkling x reader #alexander #alexander morozova #ben barnes #fanfic #alina starkov #general kirigan x reader #black general #siege and storm #kefta

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jimlingss · 4 years ago

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can i request a yoongi chef au? i feel like yoongi's culinary skills are underrated, and I'm just a slut for chef aus in general

Anonymous said: Hi I saw ur request open posts for the new year!!! Could u write more yoongi stories🥺?!?! Your stories are so fantastic and i’m thirsty for more yoongi lolol🤪(hopefully u get enough votes to do more of him haha)

I feel like Jin’s the one who’s usually written as the chef, prob because he’s the better known chef in BTS, but you’re right! There’s gotta be more chef Yoongi!AUs, so here you go!!!

↳ Buttering Up

2.2k || 100% Fluff & Flirtation || Min Yoongi || Chef!AU

He clearly doesn’t know who you are.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

You hum, arms crossed as you eye him up and down. His black hair is practically a bowl cut, bangs covering his forehead. He’s in casual clothes — a taupe trench and black pants — looking like he’s ready for a trip to the grocery store rather than to cook. You wonder where this child crawled out from.

“You’re Yoongi?”

“That I am.” He approaches the door of the restaurant before plunging his hands inside his trench coat pockets. He fishes out the key and unlocks it, ushering you inside. “Hope you don’t mind that the restaurant’s closed down.”

You mind much more that he left you waiting on the cold city street for over ten minutes. You still can’t believe he was late. The audacity.

“I would’ve liked to see how you and your staff do your dinner service.”

“Unfortunately, we’re booked full for the next two months.”

You scoff — how doesn’t he know who you are? You’re a food critic who’s brought highly regarded restaurants to their knees through a review of five sentences. Your words alone has had rippled effects in the industry. Even the most talented chefs hold their breaths when you taste-test.

You make Gordon Ramsey look like Mother Teresa.

This Yoongi character is much too arrogant to not respect you. His new and upcoming restaurant might have raving reviews, but you’ll see what’s really going on.

“Sit wherever you’d like.”

There are no waiters in fancy garb, no hand sewn tablecloths made of silk. He doesn’t even pull out the chair for you. Instead, he’s off flickering on the lights of the restaurant while you choose a wooden table and chair right in front of his open kitchen — which is a horrible mistake in itself.

Open kitchens have always been a concept that has fallen short in your eyes. It’s much too noisy during dinner service and it gets smelly fast. Who actually wants to leave smelling like butter and oil?

It’s something you note as you get settled.

Your coat drapes at the back of the chair and then you watch him. Yoongi’s taken off his trench as well, revealing a white long sleeve that he’s beginning to roll up to his elbows. He’s lean and his build is small, but somehow, he’s far from being scrawny. You gawk at the veins running up his forearm until he casually asks—

“Do you have a preference for wine?”

“I’m fine with any.”

He hums and comes over from the glass cabinet with a bottle of chardonnay and a wine glass. Yoongi pops the bottle easily and pours into the pristine glass with a mere tilt of his wrist. You watch the stream fill the glass a quarter way full.

“Is there a menu?”

“You don’t need one.”

Your brows raise. “Excuse me?”

“If I were you, I’d put myself in the chef’s hands entirely and go with their recommendation.” He strides away, placing the wine bottle on the other table and then he turns with a glint in his eye and his mouth slightly crooked upwards. “Unless, of course, you don’t trust your chef.”

Oh. He’s confident.

You can’t wait for his ego to blow up in his face.

“Fine then.” Your head tilts upwards. “What’s your recommendation then?”

He rounds his way to go into the kitchen that’s only a few meters away from where you sit. “Risotto with grilled chicken breast, topped off with caramelized onions, mushroom, grilled zucchini and sautéed tomatoes.”

You roll your eyes. What a basic dish. Isn’t it just rice? And with chicken breast?! Ew. It's guaranteed to be bland.

“Alright then.” You give a smile that might be more mocking than intended. “We’ll see how it tastes.”

Yoongi starts and while sipping the chardonnay, you take a good look at the restaurant from your spot. The place is rustic with a hint of contemporary. There’s exposed brick, wooden tables and chairs, and low, yellow lighting. There’s nothing particularly impressive about the place.

Soon, the sound of rapid, rhythmic chopping fills the space and then sizzling. You watch him intently. And you’re appalled. This Yoongi guy commits the worst cooking sins — his pan is cold when he starts throwing on ingredients. He cooks with olive oil. He overcrowds the pan. And he doesn’t even taste test once as he cooks.

What the actual fuck.

There’s a line between arrogance and insanity, and he was crossing it.

You cringe when he starts using his metallic spatula on the non-stick skillet.

Is he even qualified to run a restaurant?!

Or maybe your assistant sent you information about the wrong restaurant? Or maybe this was not the guy you were supposed to be eating from. What if he poisons you or kills off all of your taste buds?! Your career would be ruined.

“Everything going okay?” you pipe up.

He glances up at you for the first time, eyes peering past his bangs. “Yep. Should be done in five.”

Food is simple. It either tastes good or it doesn’t. But the higher up you go and the fancier it gets, the more convoluted the food tastes with bland flakes of gold and the same old truffle shavings. That or it’s entirely boring and unoriginal.

Or in this case, it might kill you. Which would be the first. And you’re not happy about it.

You feel unsettled when he plops the dish in front of you.

“Chef’s recommendation.”

“Thanks.”

You feel unsettled because it actually smells good. The aroma that fills your senses is flavoursome and buttery, and the thyme on top adds a fresh hint. You’re also unsettled because the plating isn’t actually bad. It’s been presented in a pasta bowl with wavy designs and the chicken breast is thinly and neatly sliced on top. It’s clean. It’s bright. It’s colourful.

But the most lethal poisons are the appetizing ones.

“Are you going to wait until it gets cold?”

You look up, brows raising at how he’s gotten comfortable in the chair across from you. Usually the chefs and waiters or waitresses like to skedaddle off and leave you to your own thoughts, too afraid to stand in your intense scrutiny. But Min Yoongi twists off the cap of his water bottle and casually downs it in front of you.

“I’m just looking at the presentation.”

“Tastes better than it looks,” he exhales after swallowing his water.

Your expression becomes skeptical. But you take the silver spoon beside you anyhow and decide not to waste any more time.

The spoonful goes into your mouth. He watches you. You chew.

Instantly, you halt.

The flavour hits your tongue. Creamy. Thick. But each individual grain of rice still has some firmness with a discernible texture. It’s been done al dente. There’s sweetness from the caramelized onions. An earthy flavour from the mushrooms. A zesty touch from the thyme. The chicken breast is somehow still juicy and the tomatoes burst on your palate.

Suddenly, you’re thrusted back into your childhood. Those summer days spent in the cottage. Sun-kissed cheeks, dirtied knees, cotton dresses. You can hear your late grandmother in the kitchen. The way she calls out that it’s lunchtime. You can feel the comfort of family and love.

It feels like you’ve become the food critic in the ratatouille movie.

You almost cry.

“What do you think?”

You clear your throat. You have to be honest. There’s no way you can lie about something like this. “It’s good. I think...this is the best risotto I’ve ever had. You cooked it perfectly and the toppings you chose were absolutely immaculate with this dish—”

You look up at him. Min Yoongi has an enormous, cocky smirk plastered across his stupid face.

It’s entirely off-putting.

“But of course,” you quickly add, “there are many ways you could improve on it. You could add cilantro—”

“That would unnecessarily drown out the notes of thyme you taste,” he rebukes without a single beat and you scoff.

“I noticed you didn’t add any pepper to it which could deepen the flavour.”

“Except this dish doesn’t need it,” Yoongi deadpans. “You don’t need to help me make any adjustments. I think I know what I’m doing better than you are. Just do your job and I’ll do mine.”

You suck in your cheek and narrow your eyes on him before you take another bite of the risotto while it’s still hot. “The food is delicious, but I must say, the company really spoils it.”

Yoongi’s slumped with one cheek resting in his hand, elbow on the table. He lazily stares at you with that smirk of his. “Really? Because if I didn’t know any better, you look nervous rather than annoyed.”

You scoff for the second time. “Why would I be nervous?”

“Maybe you didn’t expect the food to taste as good as it does and that makes me unexpectedly attractive,” he states plainly. You almost choke. You hit your chest as you sputter. “Or maybe you’re intimidated by me. I’ve gotten both before.”

You wipe your mouth with the napkin. “I’m afraid you’re not very perceptive, Min Yoongi.”

“Really? I think I am.” He smiles, the corners of his mouth quirked. “I’ve read your reviews before.”

You’re unamused. “Have you now? So you must know how difficult I am to satisfy.”

His smirk is sly and it’s jarring against his softer, more tender features. He’s smaller than the men you’re used to being around, but somehow it feels like he’s taken up the entire space of the restaurant. His focus on you is sweat-inducing. Even if you don’t want to admit it.

“I don’t think so. You’ve just been eating shit food,” he says bluntly and your brow cocks. “You just need someone good you can trust. Someone who can take care of you properly.”

You’re not sure if the double entendre is purposeful. You wouldn’t put it past him.

“And is this someone you?”

Yoongi shrugs and sits back. “It could be.”

You grab your glass of chardonnay and gulp the rest in an effort to stop the conversation before it completely derails into a different direction. Yet, Yoongi’s half-lidded and darkened eyes stay on yours with each swallow. He’s unfazed. Unbothered. And that bothers you even more — bothered in a way that makes your face hot.

There’s a clack as you put the wine glass down and gasp.

“I’m a professional.” You won’t be swayed so easily. “I can’t be bribed.”

“Of course.” He blinks as if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. You glare at him and he gestures to the dish. “Please. Keep eating.”

You finish the plate.

“Do you want any seconds?” he asks as he gets up.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi lingers, all too brazen and fearless. “If you don’t get any more now, you might have to come back for more.”

This time, you don’t try to hide the roll of your eyes. “That’s a presumptuous assumption.”

Yoongi smirks and his voice is husky. “After getting a taste from me, everyone comes back for more.

You scoff.

Min’s Restaurant Review

Three nights ago, I ate at Min’s Restaurant and met the main man in the kitchen. Unfortunately, he is a difficult person to interact with. I hope no one has the disservice of having to speak to the chef behind the dishes. Doing so may as well ruin the experience. Furthermore, his cooking methods are unconventional and unorthodox. It was completely shocking to watch.

However, and what I would consider most important, the food at Min’s Restaurant is spectacular. What Min’s Restaurant lacks in likeable personnel, they make up in the served cuisine. The meal that was prepared for me not only subverted my initial expectations, but overcomes, what I consider, what the food industry is lacking in this modern age exactly. Without unnecessary garnishes and ingredients, the flavours of Min’s Restaurant are both light and deep. It was an undeniable delight to consume and for the first time, I licked my plate clean.

It is undoubted that the man behind Min’s Restaurant has the hands of god.

You should have pride.

But you’ve always loved good food. It’s your Achilles heel. It’s the one thing you’ve been passionate about since you were a kid. The reason why you love your job.

Even after writing such a review, you find yourself booking another reservation. But as a customer instead of a critic.

Of course, they were booked full for the next six months, largely thanks to your review, and they swiftly refused you with numerous apologies. But they called back not ten minutes later. You have a feeling that your name finally sunk into them — that he had something to do with it.

That theory is confirmed when you arrive. The person in question is next to the seemingly nervous hostess as the noisy kitchen echoes throughout the busy restaurant.

In the low lighting, Min Yoongi stands there with a relaxed smirk. As if he was expecting you. As if he knew you’d come crawling back to him to eat out of the palm of his hand, literally and figuratively.

You hate that he’s right.

“Welcome back.”

#bts fanfic #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fluff #yoongi scenario #yoongi reader insert #bts scenario #bts fluff #bts reader insert #yoongi x reader #honestly this is one of my favourite drabbles out of the entire collection #I think someone else mentioned there's not enough flirty Yoongi out there #AND I AGREE #this man naturally has big dick energy and I love it lmao #jimlings #Anonymous

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achieveandhunt · 5 years ago

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live typing extra life 2019

part 2

warning: this was a mistake and i’m in the grapes

this starts right at Facilities vs AH. link to first post

let’s fuck some shit up babEY

oh what the fuck they’re playing a prerecorded video

last year was a fuckin doozy, nobody forget that

“legends of the under achiever” i didn’t know someone wrote my biography

why do i hear geoff screaming “FIVE FUCKIN FOUR” in my head, like in the legends of the hidden temple minecraft videos

jeremy looks. so dead inside on this fine november evening

ryan buzzing while they’re trying to explain the rules

my video quality went down so much that i thought i was watching someone playing roblox for a second

ryan “salty mother fucker” haywood has made a lovely appearance. he’s my favorite

michael and lindsay looking so domestic makes me so happy,, they’re my parents

someone donated under the name “ryan goes feral” uh??? yeah? you say that like it’s a bad thing??

oH FUCK MICHAEL GO DRIVE WIN PLEASE

jeremy HAS BROKEN OUT THE GLASSES SHIT’S SERIOUS

NO THEY’RE LOSING GOD DAMMIT

ʳʸᵃⁿ ᶦⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ, ᵠᵘᶦᵉᵗˡʸ: ʰᵉˡᵖ

JEREMY IT’S TIME TO TEST OUT THAT NONEXISTENT GAG REFLEX AND SWALLOW THE OPPONENT’S CONTROLLER

oh nvm they’re winning again lmao

OH FUCK thEYRE LOSING

oh nvm

OH FUCK

oh nvm they unplugged his contoller lol

OH FUCKING TH EY LOST MICHAEL JONES MY HEART IS BROKEN

the amount of people watching has gone up from 32k to 40k in the past fifteen minutes

michael “hurry up you dumb cunts” jones

“oh don’t worry about destroying our cabinet, it’s essentially matchsticks”

“how are you feeling john? are you ready for this?” “MM M M Mmm mM”

TEAM NICE DYNAMITE IS NEXT AND IM READY FOR PERMANENTLY RINGING EARS FROM ALL THE LEET DONATIONS

oH god here we go

“hopefully they haven’t been saving them all day” oh honey. you’ve got a big storm coming

if xavier slaps gavin i think gav might go up in a puff of smoke

i did the math, they went up 45k+ within five minutes of team nice dynamite showing up on stream

GAVIN AND MICHAEL ARE GOING TO DIE

THERE’S GONNA BE A MOONBALL SIZED HOLE IN GAVIN’S CHEST

ryan and lindsay both donating a grand during this segment... so good

the day gavin free successfully gets a tattoo is the day i drop dead

lindsay saying she didn’t want the TND tattoo on michael but she agreed because gav is michael’s boi :(((

i’m too sleep deprived for this i might cry

oh god michael’s punching the floor

i’m too sober for this

EIGHTY EIGHT LEET DONATIONS IN TWENTY MINUTES HOLY FUCJKIGN SHIT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BE THROWING MOONBALLS FOR FUCKIN SIX YEARS

on a sentimental note- i love how much collective love we have for gav and michael,, they deserve it all

milk boarded has some not-so-great connotations attached to it

gavin “the bullshit bitch” free

a mark nutt reference?? in my 2019 extra life????

this just in: sarah is going to obliterate gavin

oh. oh my god. that was the sound of a wet fish smacking a wall

why is jeremy the liquor goblin walking like a crab that has a bird attached to its back??? see: flapping arms

that beer and milk concoction... gag

“drink that milk yard”

“YOU GOT MY TOES MILKY”

no. nO MICHAEL NO YOUR INTESTINES NOO

michael “the milk’s in my brain” jones

“stop pouring it on people!” “iT’S HARD DICKHEAD”

lindsay is now. taking a milk shower

*caiti brings a small roll of paper towels* *gavin gently places a single paper towel on the massive puddle of milk*

no LINDSAY NO THINK OF THE CHILDREN

gavin: this has gotten way out of hand. she’s... she’s swimming in an inch of milk! everyone knows you should swim in at least two!!

the fajita seasoning will solve everythinG everyone calm down

fiona: yeah this is my first extra life. jack: and what were you expecting? fiona: this. exactly this.

ah yes. the bunny suits have arrived and michael is ready to tackle gavin

aaaand here comes the AH fanfic. it can only get worse from here so buckle up fuckos

“holy fuckeroni”

“re-reanimated trevor”

michael is so fucking smashed and god i wish that was me

“cum-ductor”

fiona “this is a white man” nova

“bone-ating” *leet donation* *leet donation*

“ready set blow” made me genuinely bust a lung laughing

aaaand michael’s licking the floor which is to be expected

jeremy “i’m gonna actually harm you” dooley

IF ONE MORE PERSON BRINGS UP RANCH IM GOING TO WALK TO AUSTIN AND PROJECTILE VOMIT ON THE OFF TOPIC SET

no JEREMY NO YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS GET OFF THE F L O O R

don’t get close ups on jeremy’s tongue. don’t do that to me. i don’t want nightmares

“fuck root” “let’s just fucking fuck”

1 2 3 CONSENT

michael has gone full gerkie

alfredo’s look when larry is reading the part about trevor choking him is how i feel about everything that’s happened in the past twenty minutes

almost 300k in less than an hour

fiona saying “i don’t want this” overlaying michael humping a trash can

“TAKE THE TACO CHAD”

aaaand michael’s in the trash can

nO why is there a triangle is this a POETRY READING ALL OF A SUDDEN

oh thank god it’s over

OH FUCK THERE’S A N EPILOGUE

aaand trevor’s dead again. poor treyco

DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS DUSK BOYS EVERYONE PUT A CUP IN YOUR PANTS

people singing along... what goes on

why am i downloading this fuckin song asap

jeremy turning his phone flashlight on and waving it like he’s at a concert god dammit i love these people so much

those are my BOYS

oh my gosh they’re still singing the song. why is my heart so happy from this i need to get slapped

“come on you’ve never been waterboarded before gavin?”

everyone standing in a circle shining their flashlights at gavin

someone surprise them and instead of a moonball just yeet a whole gallon of milk at them

actually, on second thought, no

OH god GavIN Is GOING to Die

gavin “i forgot to breathe” free

several milk explosions

gavin “my brain is cold” free

michael has milk dripping from his ears

i’m about to pass out i don’t know what’s happening

michael is in the grapes right now man

how many moonballs? oh, only 107. :)

i’m not writing this part- you guys have to watch the moonball segment yourself, if you didn’t watch it live!

team nice dynamite finishes up with over 300k!! holy shit, that’s so cool! this community is awesome

werewolf is up next!

xavier is such a gentleman can we keep him

alfredo: *chooses to kill miles* trevor in the audience: *silently freaking out*

xavier is about ruin another man on stream

miles has no self preservation instinct

barbara is now smelling fiona

this just in: i love alfredo and 100% would have done the same thing

trevor running up to film alfredo getting smacked. what an icon

alfredo SCREAMING oh my god i felt it in my soul

the high-five of the backs in solidarity of intense pain

miles choosing alfredo is so fucking good

and also, i feel so bad

his heart might shoot out of his asshole this time guys

oh NOOO HE’s so bruised :(((( fredo nooo :((

oh my god it’s gotten to the usual point in the stream where you start to question whether someone is going to die this time

rip blaine but at least i think he can take the hit

he can but ouch it still hurts me

barbara “i’m participating in the game” dunkleman

yo miles might win this game

the crowd when someone needs to shoot barb: TREVOR TREVOR TREVOR! trevor, with the strength of a thousand suns: N O

people are now chanting about shooting an unprotected trevor. the man already died once this stream god dammit

alfredo is about to throw hands for fiona

that’s a big F in the chat for miles, but his loss is well deserved

xavier’s hands could serve as a defibrillator

alfredo showed jeremy his chest and jeremy shied away as if he was looking at the sun

--- i’m taking another break to finish an assignment---

i’m barely alive and it’s ready set show time

oh god please no more shock collars

i’m so fucking tiiiiredd please take thge res t of this post wigth a grain of salt lbecasue i can hardly type at this ponitn

“do you want to control the shock collars” “will there be repercussions” “no” “fuck yeah i’ll do it then”

“smother the children. steal the baby” “DONT STEAL THE BABY TREVOR”

lunging forward “s c a r e t h e b a b y” “OKAY I’M PASSING THIS ONE”

“you can’t bake popcorn????” jeremy hits the floor

alec and matt clearly = dream team

oh thasnk god the shock collars are on their arms now i was stressed out for chris earlier

this stream does not promote recreational nyquil usage

i don’t even know how to explain the pure insanity of what ready set show has become

alec has become this whole segment

i would write more but i have no thoughts because my brain doesn’t work

larry “makes people fuck other people besides their wife” insert last name that my brain can’t come up with

anyways. marbles

oh. no marbles

i’ve blacked out idk what happened during backwardz compatible

i mean i was awake but does that really mean anything at this point

SPPOKU PSOOKY SPPOKKKY SPOOOKY !!! FUCL YEAH

cole is so good during this segment

oh so many 1337s right away

the real scariest thing during the segment: being genuine

oH my god the scream being pitched up. i have fucking dogs outside of my house now

i don’t fuck w/ ghosts no thank you

“aba-jail” wow if u guys weren’t gonna get haunted before you will now

okay i’m about to pass out i have to take a nap

oH fucking I SLEPT until thirty minutes before the en d fuck

conclusion: this community is incredible and raised an unimaginable amount of money for charity. the fact that rooster teeth does this every year is awesome, and honestly, it makes me feel hopeful in times when things aren’t so great. so yeah! for the kids & stuff

#extra life 2019 #rooster teeth #geoff ramsey #jack pattillo #ryan haywood #michael jones #jeremy dooley #gavin free #lindsay jones #trevor collins #matt bragg #fiona nova #alfredo diaz

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crionsbelt · 5 years ago

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This may or may not go up by the time midnight hits or slightly after for me, let’s see what happens! I’ve been working on this since 9:30 PM EST, I expect it’ll be done by 12:50 AM EST. Hopefully I’m right so it ain’t too late gjnhg

For starters: Happy New Year everyone! Hard to believe we lived in the decade where this beauty was created. Nonetheless, there are multiple people I want to thank -- along with a much needed personal note from me. Everything will be put into a read more, but trust me, it’s long. Thank you all for making the final days of this decade very welcoming for me!

@kiidreamu & @theabyssalmuses

It’s rather silly for me to start with you two, because I’ve got quite a bit to say; so here goes! I’ve known you two for...quite a while huh? I can’t recall the exact time, but I know we’ve been mutuals since I went by Phantom -- which was a long while ago. Regardless, I’ve always enjoyed you two on my dash; and I’ve always really liked interacting with y’all OOC! I’ve always had a blast speaking with you two (specifically now w all this fuckin Bear Ass shit). I really enjoy the way you two write your muses, I think you both should have a lot more faith in them because they’re very fun to see on the dash! It’s pretty clear y’all put a lot of effort into your writing, even if you say you don’t, I for sure notice it. Hime, I know you said you admired me - but there’s nothing to admire! You and Kii are equally as good as me, but I’m definitely not much. However, I never posted it (because I had it in my drafts and still do) because it meant a lot to me. I’ve never been told something like that aside from Norgie, so it made me feel happy in a dark time. Thank you both for continuing to be my friends, truly.

@fantasyacrossworlds

Awoo! You and I have known each other for a long time, too (most people tagged here I’ve known for 2 - 4 years hujhj)! I’m VERY happy that we’re mutuals again, I’ve truly missed interacting with you! I’m so glad that it seems Orion and Cass are going to have a chaotic friendship that will always end on Orion running to Artemis LMAO. I’m looking forward to more interactions!

@sanzenxsekai

I already gave you a super long post explaining how much me and Norgie are thankful for you, so I’ll remind you in a tl;dr version. WE ALL LOVE YOUR STINKY GREMLIN + YOU!! Please keep writing Nobu in 2020! Thank you so much for being such a good friend to me.

@mcphistcples

You don’t even realize how much of a positive impact you’ve had on both me and my girlfriend. You’re absolutely hilarious and I’m incredibly happy you chose to start interacting with a disaster like me. As a Dies fan, I fucking love your Rein. You write him fantastically and it’s always fun to see your interactions with BB’s JAlter. I am looking forward to the dramatic reading of My Immortal: Bear Ass Edition : )

@stxrdust-pxper

We haven’t talked much OOC properly, but we’ve known each other just about the same time as me and Norgie have been dating - so almost 2 years! You’re a pretty cool person, I’m happy you joined my new server because it’s given myself and others a chance to chat with you more. Thank you for all the kindness you’ve given me throughout the time we’ve known each other, I’ve never said it until now, but it truly has stuck with me and helped me become happier.

@bloodsoakedsakura / @idoldragos

There’s actually a lot I’d like to say, some I’ll leave out for now. For starters, thank you for having my back for three years straight. Seriously. You’ve been there for me through a whole lot, honestly surprised you’ve stuck with me for as long as you have. You’ve stood up for me when the time came for it and I’m honestly so thankful you did. Every time you hop in call with us it’s usually always fun and stupid (in a good way), so thank you for being part of my band of misfits as long as you have Sades. Even though you’re a boomer who didn’t stop me rolling 200 of my Quartz, I forgive you... dontkillmepls

@yuichiroswife

Speka, you’ve been a great help to me and Norgie a great amount of times as of late. Thank you so much, you’re an incredibly kind person and I’m glad we became friends!!

@muniificus

I’ve known you for 3 years too I’m 90% certain, it’s insane how long I’ve known a lot of you - it feels like forever but it also feels like time has gone by so quickly! Much like Sades, I’m very thankful you’ve stuck around for as long as you have Icarus. Thank you for putting up with my dumb ass, and ultimately having fun in return! alsoihavethereplyforanastasiadraftedipromise

@fakepriest

I’ve sent you an ask with a lot of what would’ve been said in here, but I want to let you know that I’m extremely grateful that you’ve kept being my friend to. I enjoy our conversations a lot, especially when we talk about things like Heaven’s Feel because they’re usually always such fun things to talk about.

Much like the ask I’ve sent you, your Kirei is so scarily accurate it nearly simulates his actual personality flawlessly. That’s how scary good at writing this tofu loving fake priest. I’m so happy it’s you who’s writing him, not to play the pedestal game, but I genuinely can’t see anyone else (not even myself) coming close to how phenomenal your portrayal is. #kireisquad

@arkdiia

Though our first conversation first chatting again wasn’t expected, I’m super glad you came back to Tumblr and I’m thrilled to be friends w you again! Hopefully for 2020, you and I /both/ catch a break lmfao.

@saintguine

Much like Anna, I’ve already told you what I wanted to here in the form of an ask a few hours ago - however, I do wish to say smth that I’m sure a lot of people feel. Regardless of how you think about yourself, you’re a very good person BB and we’re all very blessed to know you. You’re absolutely one of my best friends, and though there was a point where we lost communication for a bit, I’m very grateful our friendship is the exact same.

We all care u BB, thank u for bein gud to all of us

Kayla & Sere

This post is incredibly long already, luckily I’m just about done -- but I’ve got three people to go starting with you two!

Sere, you’ve heard me vent a lot and you’ve known me (Kayla has known me this long too) for a pretty damn long time if you ask me, 3 years may not seem like a lot to people, but with all the stuff we’ve all gone through these 3 years? It’s been a LOT and I can’t say I’d be the person I am without you hearing my dumb ass vent and creating Cursed Night. I appreciate all of your icons, thank you for giving us (Hell) special treatment with them. Seriously! While you are a best friend for sure, you’re also practically family to me. Thank you again for everything.

Kayla, the same of what I said for Sere is said for you. You’re legit like my older sister, you’ve been there for me for just bout the same amount that Norgie has; you’re someone who means a lot to both me and Norgie, so thank you for giving talking to us a chance way back when you were shy (I think that’s what it was!). There have been a lot of ups and downs for all of us, but I’m glad the downs at least had the positive effect of giving me a second family who I love dearly. I actually teared up on this part, so god help me when I write for Norgie.

@letoborn / @uwuwrote

I’m going to save a lot of what I want to say to you for our anniversary in June, but I will say a few things because I love you so very much.

When I met you, I was not expecting you’d turn out to be the woman of my dreams. You’re genuinely my better half, and I have never been as happy as I am than I am with you. You’ve truly had the biggest impact in my life Norgie, you’ve made me laugh, cheered me up when I’m sad, called me out when I was dumb and helped me better myself.

I’m so incredibly happy I got to spend the rest of the last decade being your boyfriend, and now, going into 2020 - a whole new decade with you. Like I said, you’re my better half - I can’t see myself with anyone else but you. You’re the greatest treasure in my life, I’m so happy we’ve had all this fun with roleplaying.

Thank you so much Norgie, for giving me Orion/Artemiis, all of our other ships - being my soulmate (at least, I think so). I hope 2020 treats us both well, but I’m willing to go through whatever as long as it’s with you.

Now, that’s the end of that -- but I have a few extra things to say.

My 2019 has been...quite possibly the hardest year of my life, at least on the internet. For a very long time, I was fearful of interacting with others - I made mistakes that I wish I could take back, I got put through hell for nothing...man, I don’t wanna go back in and say what happened, what is and isn’t true -- the long story short is, shit happened, but it’s the past now.

I want to go into 2020 just..as positive as I can be, I’m tired of the drama, I just want to have fun with my friends and my girlfriend you know? So, I’m finally choosing to move on and just...try having fun again. This choice would be impossible without the people mentioned in this post.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you who have stuck around through it all for me. I’m so incredibly thankful to be part of the friendgroup I’m in, to know everyone I’ve met who’s put up with me. I’ve had so many times where I wanted to leave this site, but I wanted to keep trying to write with everyone -- to have fun with everyone. You all have no idea how genuinely happy you’ve all made me, just by writing with my Orion and Norgie’s Artemis.

Though I couldn’t think of anything to say specifically for the others tagged below here, thank you all for everything as well -- just following me makes me happy. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some people, but trust me, I’m so very happy to know all of you.

@dekirukoto @wisesteyed @lacobscur @akhilleuskcsmcs

#ʕ•͡ω•ʔ ✦ ✦ ✦ 𝙄𝙏'𝙎𝘼 𝙈𝙀‚ 𝘼𝘾𝙏𝙐𝘼𝙇𝙇𝙔 𝙎𝘼𝙏𝘼𝙉 / OOC #i missed my time budget BUTTTT ooh wel #herre's this

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queeniewasablondexx · 5 years ago

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November 19th

I wrote this a few years ago when I was still trying to process my abortion. Today on the 5th anniversary it still holds a lot of relevance to me.

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The second half of the year for me, for some reason this last decade has never really brought out anything fantastic. In fact, bad things always tend to happen. So I am very wary when the year passes the halfway mark because I know the shit will be definitely about to start hitting the fan.

I was never sure if I wanted to have children. The way I think about my life is there are a few different paths it could take and I just want that to happen naturally. Wherever I end up, I know I'm there because I just let things naturally take their course. At times, I can be a huge control freak, but I have a horrible habit of not seeing the bigger picture and just focusing on the small things and really letting them get to me. I compartmentalize the bad things and just keep going forward, because if I pause, it becomes too much and I let it take over.

Not good.

The reason I'm harping on about this is because lately I've been drawn back into a part of my life that I just want to forget. And I may be remembering all of this for any number of reasons: my best friend just had a baby, I've had yet another failed romance, I'm stuck, I'm anxious.

Or I just never moved past it.

I say the words out loud a lot, I'm able to talk about it a lot. But I talk about it as a fact, as something that happened and something I dealt with and thought was over. I'm very good at talking frankly about my experiences. One thing I've never been good about is actually talking about how they made me feel. In fact it kind of terrifies me. So I write about it. I write everything down into an essay and then put that essay away to read later when I've been able to process just what I was feeling at the time. That really really helps me. So I suppose I never got around to doing this because I wasn't ready to put it to bed. I wasn't ready to let go of what happened. I don't think I'll ever be able to let go. But I am ready to actually delve into how I feel about it.

TRIGGER WARNING: I am about to talk about some really intense stuff, surrounding abortion. If that will trigger you, please do not read on.

My second boyfriend, let's call him Algernon was probably the most intense love I've had in my life up until now, and we weren't even together for that long. But he was an angel, in all senses of the word. How we began and how we ended were both emotional and hard and it's almost been a year since we split. I have well moved on since, but he was my first real, all-consuming love. He was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me and even now, we are still really good friends, because people who have such a significant impact on your life, it's hard to let go of them. He was a huge part of my life and he still is. U

Algernon and I came together as I was pulling away from my first boyfriend. My first boyfriend, let's call him Creepy, was controlling and he was pulling me towards a life that I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore. He wanted someone to be a perfect housewife, I was in no way ready to do that. For heaven’s sake I was only like 19 when we got together and we moved in together and I suddenly was in a loveless relationship where we didn't have sex anymore, we barely kissed and I wasn't coming home until he was in bed, so I didn't have to interact with him. Pretty fucked up for a 21 year old right?

But we're not here to talk about Creepy. That is an issue that can be tackled another day. Algernon and I fell head first into this amazing, loving, whirlwind of a romance where we didn't want to spend any time apart. It was heavenly. The sex was wild, the kisses were all the time and just how he smiled at me made everything better. I was hopelessly and insanely in with him from the get go. I couldn't stay away from him and he couldn't stay away from me. A lot of men have come and gone from my life but only a few have had such a profound effect on me. He was one of them. You can't share what Algernon and I shared and not be affected forever.

So we'd just finished a show together and finally "made it official" after months of dancing around the proper issue. I was on cloud nine with this boy. I had a new boyfriend who was attentive and loving. We got along super well and I adored everything about him.

Now I am very finicky about practicing safe sex, even if I am on the pill I insist on using protection and even then I always like to check that the condom is still intact. Ain't nothing getting through the firewall that I place over my vagina. I don't think even in my life I have let any boy enter me unless he's wrapped the tool.

It's funny, even now I'm trying to inject some humour in the story because I know it's going to be hard to delve deeper into this.

One day, we were at my house and we'd fumbled around like desperate teenagers and it had been hot and sweaty and fantastic. It had also made the condom break. Like I'm not talking about a little hole, I'm talking literally split the damn thing in half. Like I wanted to high five him and say "yeah good job mate', but I also went completely into panic mode. We went and got the morning after pill and, that pill worked once before for me so I was hopeful that it would work again.

So I put the whole incident out of my mind and pretended everything was okay. It was a slip up, a mistake, the pill would induce my period and everything would be okay. I had had one other experience with stuff of this nature and it had all worked out fine that time. I'd gotten my period, it was just an unlucky accident and I was fully sure it would turn out fine again this time. We went on as normal. We performed, laughed, hung out with people, I was at his house nearly every night. We were devoted to each other. It was both beautiful and unhealthy. I guess we both lost a sense of who we were because we needed each other so so much.

I was really very ill for a few weeks. I hadn't been able to keep food down, I was tired all the time, everything hurt and I was lashing out like an emotional monster. All signs pointed to something really not right in my body, but like the young and in love idiot I was, I just put it down to not eating right and not getting enough sleep. I was still on the pill, so of course it couldn't have been that. We'd cleaned up the mess, I'd taken the necessary steps and I'd thought I'd gotten my period, so there was no way that it could have been what I knew deep down it was.

Yes I knew. I think, as a female you somehow know. You know very well what is going on with your own body, but I've always been really really good at not thinking about the realities of my true situation.

But when the doctor uttered those words "it's a positive pregnancy test, Hannah" my world went dark. It was all fuzzy and I felt cold and like I was having a literal out of body experience. Algernon was driving and I looked at him and he looked back at me, this look of absolute fear in his trusting and beautiful eyes. All he could say was "it's okay Han, I'll make it okay". But I couldn't understand him. All I could think was that these things don't happen to me. They happen to people who I only read about on Facebook, or girls in novels or tv shows. Accidental pregnancy was not ever supposed to be something that would ever happen in my life.

Most of the time I don't really remember actual details of moments. I know things that happened and I do have a good memory. But that day has literally forever been etched into my memory. Of course, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I wasn't a teenager and it had happened with a boyfriend I'd loved and cared for and not a stranger. But it's still fucking terrifying. Just knowing that suddenly, it's not just your life anymore, there's something of someone else inside you and every day it was growing and feeling more and becoming more and more someone not something. It sucked. Suddenly people were talking to me about my 'options' and my bodily functions and how I was feeling. And the most heartbreaking fact, I wanted people to yell at me and accuse me of being reckless and ruining my life like the movies. I wanted Algernon to hate me and rage at me. I wanted to feel bad, to match how I was feeling on the inside. I felt horrible. I felt horrible that a small tiny mistake had the danger of rocking everything around me and hurting all the people close to me.

Do I regret it? Do I wish I'd made a different decision? Truthfully? I have no fucking idea. It's such a circumstantial thing. We can say until we're blue in the face that "it was the right decision at the time" but sometimes the right decision at the time isn't right 2 years later. I think about it now and I actually can't explain the feeling. It's not something I have felt before and it's not something I can relate to anything that I have actually felt before. Because I have never felt that before. I guess if I had to put it into words, I'd say it was a really intimate sudden protectiveness I had over my body. And what was in my body. Never ever, in the whole experience was I mad at the little thing growing inside me, it wasn't their fault that I had made that mistake and they were the product of that. And I really only got two weeks to experience it. One minute, I was happily ignorant, the next minute I was aware of this little bump growing in my belly. Even 12 weeks in, I had a bump. Yeah, I was 12 weeks. I stayed ignorant and clueless to what my own body was trying to tell me for 12 weeks.

In hindsight, I think if I'd known about it for longer, I would have decided differently. If Algernon and I had had time to sit down and maybe plan, get our heads around it, if I'd had more time to fall in love with my bump, I wouldn't have been able to let go of it so easily. It was all over so quickly. I hadn't even met the thing and I was fascinated with it. Now that I have had a couple of years to let the whole settle within me and wash over me, I know without a shadow of a doubt if I could change my mind and go through with it, I think I would. I think I would have let it all play out the natural way, even if Algernon and I weren't supposed to end up together. Now that I actually think about the aftermath of a pregnancy, I find it doesn't terrify me as much, but then I was much younger and much more conscious that a pregnant belly would show and I wasn't ready to deal with that kind of judgement. I'm old enough to not give an actual fuck now, but I wish that hadn't factored into my decision. I hate admitting that it was there, that I made such a big life changing decision because of the fear of being judged.

I didn't just do it for him. He was a baby himself, not even 20 yet and I was only 21. We were young and in love kids really. I'd love to say that I did it for him, so I look selfless and yes so I have someone to also put the responsibility on. But it wasn't him, he was so beautifully devoted to whatever I wanted and whatever I chose. I was the mother, so it was my call. What I forgot was that this was just as hard for me as it was for him.

I knew I was pregnant for just two weeks. I was able to enjoy the feeling the pregnancy gave me, but there was an impending doom. I felt guilty for enjoying it, for wanting the little life inside me to move, for imagining if my little flutter would be a boy or girl. If their hair would be dark like mine or blonde like Algernon's. If they would have blue eyes and if they would look at me like I was the most important person on the planet. Or if what I was doing would hurt them, or if it would curse me in some way forever. Yeah dramatic, I know but like WOW no one warns you how much of a monster pregnancy turns you into. It fucking sucks. I was an over-eating, over emotional literal monster it was disgusting.

I hate how I feel about the whole thing now. It's not sadness, it's not anger, it's not even happiness. It's this horrible longing and emptiness. I sometimes literally immerse myself in the memory of how it felt to have that little life inside me. To have the adoration of Algernon and to momentarily know what having a maternal instinct felt like. It's perfectly beautiful. There is literally nothing like it. I used to talk to it, tell it I was sorry, tell it I wish things were different, tell it that I wanted it, tell it that it was loved and tell it that I hope it forgave me for what I was about to do.

So it was about five days before I was scheduled in to have the procedure and I was in bed with Algernon trying to sleep. Suddenly I felt like I was getting my period and that my stomach was falling out. I rolled over, Algernon was asleep, so I popped myself to the bathroom and had a look. Now, sorry for the graphics, but it was a literal murder scene down there, I was obviously miscarrying, or really really ill. Mum seemed calm, dad seemed calm and when Algernon woke up, he seemed calm. For some reason, the fact that this decision had suddenly been taken away was a comforting thought. We spent the night talking about historical figures who had miscarriages, how sexist society used to be around pregnancy and how there was still a stigma surrounding unplanned pregnancy today. I was so chilled out, more chilled out than I've ever been. I don't know why I was so calm, suddenly I didn't have to make a hard call, suddenly I could just lie there with my man and smile and talk and hope for the best in the morning. That night I slept better than I'd slept in a long time.

And then the shit well and truly hit the fan the next morning.

Now, I love my mother. She has supported me through anything and she always will. But she has the biggest of big mouths and the next morning, of course she jumped on the phone to tell both of my sisters that I'd spent the night bleeding out. My sister is a nurse and suddenly I was woken from my peaceful, non-pregnant slumber with her on the phone:

"Hannah get to the hospital, you might bleed out,"

I wasn't fussed. I knew the bleeding had stopped and I felt much better than I had, I didn't even feel pregnant anymore. But, the words "bleed out" seemed to send both my mother and Algernon into a frenzy and I found myself packed into a car and on my way to the emergency room. Where I knew I KNEW they were going to poke and prod me and try to take my blood and ask me questions and things would smell bad and be scary and basically, I hate hospitals. But my mother and my baby daddy were insistent.

Apparently being pregnant means you can skip the line and be seen to immediately. Fancy that. So I checked in, told the nurse on duty my conundrum and they whisked me behind the scenes to sit on a bed while they tried to prod every place on my body and try to get blood out of me. That is not an easy feat. I think we were sitting there for at least half an hour before they actually managed to draw the blood they needed OUT OF MY HAND. And all I remember was feeling sickened that they were about to stab a needle into my hand... and then I passed out for a couple of minutes. Thankfully, they gave up the expedition for blood after that. But a line stuck with me that one of the nurses had said "woman, how do you expect to have a baby with a stomach like this?". Of course it had been a joke, but it had always stuck with me. I wasn't expecting to have a baby. I didn't even want to be here. In my mind thank goodness if I'd miscarried, I wouldn't have to go through the abortion, it had been done for me. That's all that was in my mind. I had been saved, my conscience had been cleared because of my body's decision.

The rest of the hospital trip was a blur of needles and urine tests and people asking me questions about a baby I wasn't keeping and look, it was fine. I was happy to smile through all of it... until I had to sit in an ultrasound, because there was still something in there. Something alive and they needed to figure out where it was and if it was in any danger. Yes, even though I most definitely getting rid of the baby, to the doctors and nurses, I was a young mum who had almost miscarried and they treated the pregnancy like any other. It didn't matter that the thing inside me wouldn't be around next week, all that mattered was that I was okay now, and that it was okay. And the nurse, bless her, turned the friggen monitor around and showed me. Showed me the thing that was definitely not just a speck anymore. That was definitely not what I had wanted ever, because actually seeing that it was a shape, it was a life, it wasn't just "my accidental pregnancy" anymore, it was a baby. That itself was horrifying and sad. I felt sad. It wasn't gone, I was still pregnant and it was healthy. That was what hit me the hardest. It was healthy and all the control was in my hands to be able to make this decision and I just needed the out. The abortion wasn't the easy way out, not in any way. But when I was that young and that scared, it was the only decision that I knew how to make. The only decision that ensured I could go on living my life as normal.

That in no way ever made it the easy decision.

The actual day of the operation flew by. I sort of went through the motions that day. I didn't know any other way to be. Everyone around me was in some bad mood but I couldn't feel it. I felt numb. Because I knew that if I opened up my feelings for just one moment I would back out. So I just put on a chilled out facade and nodded and listened and filled out the forms and paid the cheque and every time they asked me "are you sure you want this?" I nodded without hesitation.

The one moment of panic I had was when we had the final ultrasound. Algernon came in with me. He didn't have to, but bless him, he was always there for me in the whole thing every step of the way. And his face when he saw it. His eyes. I can never forget that. Up until now the whole thing had felt unreal, like something from a drama tv series. That moment made it reality. This wasn't just my thing. It was ours.

Then suddenly I was upstairs and alone again. I put on the paper underwear and the gown. I sat in the waiting room in silence with all the others girls. The writer in me wanted to know their stories. The little girl in me wanted my mum. So much rushed through my mind in those two hours. My mums face as I was rushed upstairs. My friends confused faces as they said "good luck" the day before, because honestly what do you say to someone in that situation? I had to take this medication to basically make me go into labour. That went for two hours. The clinic was really busy and noisy and actually very normal. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be. I mean it was just a normal medical procedure. So why shouldn't the place it was in be normal as well. The normalcy should have comforted me. It didn't. I wanted something dramatic to happen. Someone to cry or yell or show some kind of emotion. I wanted to cry or yell or show some kind of emotion. But I didn't. None of us did. Most just stared straight ahead.

Soon I was having the drugs put in my arm. Laying on the table. They acted like I wasn't there, no massive fuss was made, they all smiled and then I closed my eyes and all I remember was my legs were tucked up underneath me. I rolled over and sleepily said to the nurse "is it over? Am I still pregnant?" and she smiled and shook her head.

That's it. It was over. Life went back to normal. Algernon and I both tried to go on.

It's been two years and life has well and truly moved on. I'm not the same her I was. I could say something cheesy like "it made me stronger" or "I have a darkness now" blah blah. But I don't. It happened. It affected me and I admit, the months that followed I went down a path of self-destruction that I am only now coming out of. But the point is, I'm here and I'm okay now and I don't regret or celebrate my decision. It just... happened.

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My life changed that day and I’m still getting over the after effects of what was to come. But reading this reminds me that I am healing and that is okay.

#abortion #personal #sad #loss #this #me #tw: abortion

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aquarianlights · 6 years ago

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Unpopular opinion, but the “Treat Yoself” self care ideal is EXTREMELY HARMFUL to people with BPD and actually dangerous to us.

As someone with the most extreme case of borderline you can possibly imagine in the impulsivity category, the “Treat Yoself” ideal has made me a much happier person these past few years. . .but it has also p much ruined my life. If I didn’t have an insane amount of help from a million different angles supporting me at all times, I’d be a goner.

Example: I signed a lease to a new apartment just a week or so ago, maybe not even that long ago. I have to pay the first month rent before I move in on the 1st of next month otherwise I cannot move in. I had 5k, almost 6k dollars to my name a mere 2 or 3 days ago. I now have less than 2k to my name. How? Who knows. Certainly not me! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Someone who is uneducated on what BPD is about would say that’s just a normal human being irresponsible or not knowing how to manage money, etc etc etc. They usually fall on the “no self control” shtick that we should all know by heart by now. There’s a million things that everyone with BPD has heard before, but we all know very well none of the things these people say are even close to the core of the issue.

There’s a H U G E difference between people who have no self control and people with borderline. People who have no self control are just kind of starting to wade into the shallow end of the pool without testing how cold or hot the water was first with their issues and then they can sometimes get to the point of *safely* falling off the side of the pool deck and into the shallow end again where they are in no danger of drowning. . .while people with borderline have just rock-climbed a waterfall cliff in the middle of a forest by themselves with no harness and then *immediately* proceeded to jump off of the cliff backwards and blindfolded into the lake full of water below without ever having checked to see if there were rocks in the water or how deep the water was.

That is how significantly different those two categories of people are and that is why it is *SO* frustrating when the layman diminishes BPD and says, “Oh, you’re just being irresponsible with money. It’s okay! Everyone does it.” No, good sir. Everyone does NOT do these kinds of things. NORMAL. HEALTHY. PEOPLE. WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS! If they did, it would be a CONSCIOUS DECISION to do it and it would be controlled and they would have fail-safes and back-up plans galore in place in case something went wrong! Normal, healthy people would never live like borderline people are forced to live.

If I could show someone that I am only just now finding permanence for the first time SINCE I TURNED 18 IN 2010 and am just hoping it works out and don’t know if it actually will because, well, BORDERLINE. . .maybe people around the world wouldn’t recite those lines like they were reading from a script.

There’s a million things I could list and that one tiny run on sentence is not even close to scraping the tip of the iceberg. That’s like...uh, getting close enough to feel how cold that iceberg must be so you can say “Wow that must be cold to touch!” without even having touched the iceberg yet, nevertheless having scraped it. If you catch my drift.

People just think that when we mention we’re impulsive as a sort of warning to them, it’s a cute flirting thing or an adorable personality quirk. Like, “Oh, you’re spontaneous? That’s wonderful! I love spontaneous people. I love to go on wild adventures! Hanging out with you will be so fun!” No, my dude. My pal. My buddy. My friend. That is not what we mean at all. When someone with borderline says “impulsive”, they *DO* *NOT* mean “spontaneous”. Ever. We do not group the word impulsive with spontaneous in these warnings.

The impulsivity issues will ruin our lives over and over again unless we actively fight it every single second of every single waking moment. There is no resting. There are no breaks. There is no escape. It is a constant battle between that “DO THE THING”/”TREAT YOSELF” mindset that we have a natural tendency to do without a second thought like it is second nature...AND that other side of having to FORCE ourselves to stop immediately when we are about to engage in the thing that we have already started doing/saying/whatever as soon as the thought entered our mind (it happens that fast, yes) and force a corrective thought/behaviour into place so that we can think about what we are about to do first and actually weigh the pros and cons and THEN decide whether or not to do the thing like a NORMAL PERSON would.

I don’t like to say we act on emotion. . .because I don’t feel like I do. I’m not sure if others with borderline feel they do, but I certainly don’t because there simply isn’t enough time for there to be any emotion and I know this will sound so stereotypical, but. . .I’m an Aquarius. I just don’t experience emotions like others do, honestly. Hahaha. #onlyaquariankidswillunderstand

When you’re borderline, your actions practically coincide with your thoughts. The second you think about doing a thing, there is no question about whether it’s going to be done or not: It’s already been done by the time one could even inquire as to whether it should be or not.

We have *NO* impulse control. None. Nada. Negative. Less than none. ZERO. We exist without it. I can’t remember a time in which I existed with any ounce of impulse control that wasn’t enforced by me in a way in which I was hyper-cognizant of my enforcing it at all times. I have always existed without it. Every day is a struggle to enforce something that we do not have and never have had. Every day is a constant struggle to enforce something that we have never experienced in a natural state.

Every day is a constant struggle to try to find that middle balance between the two extremes of Treat Yoself and You Don’t Deserve Anything At All, since those seem to be our only two settings.

We either feel we deserve the world and should have all the things. . .or we should rid ourselves of everything and never have anything, nevertheless buy anything for ourselves or accept anything offered.

Being borderline is living in a world of extremes and having to force your way into some parallel universe that doesn’t really exist to find a middle ground and then having to fight every single day you wake up for the rest of your life for your right to stay in that parallel universe.

It is exhausting. Being at one extreme or the other constantly while desperately wanting to be at a middle ground all the time or even at a straight, chill, nothing for once in your life is fucking exhausting.

Being borderline is exhausting and having all these people who really don’t know anything try to disparage the issue by saying we are spontaneous (in a flirty or quirky way) and just have no self control (”which is just a human thing! don’t worry, you’re young! you’ll get there!”) is just SO exhausting.

Treat Yoself is a GREAT concept for just about everyone!...except for the small portion of the population that is borderline.

I only wish I had known this from the beginning.

Feel like you can relate? I basically wrote this because I’ve been thinking about this for a VERY long time and I actually have talked about this aloud with one of my roommates TWICE now (maybe more than twice, Idk) because of so many reasons.

I figured it was about time to finally write up the text post that went along with the conversations I’ve been having irl.

I really hope someone can relate and that I’m not just rambling fucking crazy things over here. I don’t think I am. I think this is #relatable af. I really do. But I won’t know until I post it and tag it and see if anyone else can relate.

Obviously, I know the BPD section will be filled with people who don’t actually have BPD (aka self-dxers who have given themselves BPD and who knows what other millions of things who most likely do not actually have BPD), so if you actually have a BPD diagnosis, I’d love some feedback. Coz I really hope I’m not just rambling into the void here. This is relatable, yeah? Other people feel this in their very soul like I do, yeah? This is a PROBLEM, yeah??? Sure is for me, fam.

😶😶😶 Idk, bruh. I’m just gonna stop now and hope for the best. Whatever “best” is. Lololol.

-KQR

((Hope there’s no spelling/grammar/whatever mistakes. Need to proofread...later...if I ever get around to it. I probably won’t tbh. Just ignore mistakes. I’m fucking tired. Fall semester starts Monday and I’m just not readyyyy......))

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hyunarkarchive · 6 years ago

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oh my stress;;

“'tis i, a writer, togetherslapper of words.”

knowing that my own five year anniversary at rookies is in about two months makes me actually really emotional, and most of you know, i don’t really get emotional about stuff like this.

i’m here to talk about all the fucking shit storms i brought. starting from good ol’ ellyrk, who turned into yuriirk and currently known as hyunark, as well as, rkxwoozi, aka jihoonrk, fucking namtaerk, eunwoork, minhyunrk, younghyunrk 1.0, junhoerk aka younghyunrk 2.0. i am about 100% sure i’m missing someone BUT YOU KNOW, we can let that muse stay in dungeon vile.

not even 10 minutes later

oh yeah- minhork was it? minhxrk??? idk what his url was, shortlived lovely muse i tell you. jisungrk was a thing for like 6 months. however, as you can see, i have a lot of muses, 11 in total, well 8 if you remove younghyun 1.0 & 2.0 and jihoon.

its been nearly five years since i joined rookies and ive made a lot of memories here. good, bad, amazing, mediocre. a lot of memories than pretty much just range. can you believe i’ve actually cried a few times about rookies related thing? yeah, me neither, but here we are hahaha. i will probably not edit this at all, so if you see spelling mistakes, or maybe something is repeated, just ignore it please, its from the heart.

this place really helped me develop my writing, vocabulary and definitely social skills. i might suck at threading and replying on time, but i have to say, all the muns here are amazing!!! i remember when i first joined, oh boy was i fucking terrified of the fact that i SUCKED at writing. i was so cautious about what i write and how i spoke and i think some of you could remember it haha. i’ve also managed to make some amazing friends throughout my stay here, all of them older than me, as well haha and i was babied so much i always found it funny, but very thankful because some of the life lectures i got where definitely needed.

however, i will take a few minutes to write about the last three standing; hyunark, jihoonrk and younhhyunrk

hyunark:

my first ever tumblr muse. my first rookies muse. my longest standing muse. she;s gone through a lot, and honestly, she will continue to do; i wasn’t all that good with her in the beginning, now i see a lot of gaps and weird stuff whenever i have to go read something to remind myself of events and so on. however, i really love her, and i’ve gotten a bit too attached to her haha. can you blame me tho? from ellyrk, to yuriirk, now hyunark, there have been alot of ups and downs but i am happy where she’s come. to being a potential walking scandal, to being in two survival shows, to being the first muse at rookies to not be offered a contract renewal, to another survival show, to a nova trainee after being cut short twice by hyunbin. she had gone through alot of character development and its shaped her a lot better than i ever could, for which i need to say my thanks to the mods of rookies for it, because without them, hyunark would probably be headed in a completely different direction haha. however, she still focuses on producing, writing lyrics and ever since she got into nova as a trainee, she’s focused on her dance as well because she doesn’t wanna be called an uncooked noodle anymore. her dream is to be a recognized producer and lyricist, and will fight for that title.

jihoonrk:

jihoork was previously known as rkxwoozi. i even used his original blog when i re-applied with him;; he lasted a bit under a year in all honesty the first time and i specifically remember that the reason for that was being signed under trc. it was a pretty unfortunate time for him to be signed, with all the scandals that happened and what not. i was a tad regretful that i dropped him to be honest, which is all the reason to why he was brought back. tbh, he didn’t change in that like 6 months gap he was away. he was the same moody gremlin everyone knew and loved. if you had asked me, a few years ago if i thought jihoon would debut, i’d laugh and say no fucking way, but here we are, when he is a member of convex and got to debut with his longets lasting friend, sehun and best friend seungcheol. so he is living the dream you know? even if he doesn’t show it, he is grateful and appreciates everything that’s happening around him and to him. his main goal right now is to be the variety ace of convex and is working slowly to achieve that goal.

yonghyunrk:

ahhh here we go;; my last muse who had to undergo something similar to jihoonrk;; i brought him in, because i had this idea of a metal head, who really just wanted fame and girl and guys. however, stuff happened, i couldn’t get him to have threads i wanted and so i dropped him. again, i pretty much reapplied a few months later with junhoerk which was basically younghyunrk 2.0 and eventually, i realized that the muse deserved its original fc and here we are again with younghyunrk. to be honest, i don’t even know how i managed to get him to go to mga4, but he went and caused chaos with chungha and we all know how much fun he actually had haha;; he still doesn’t like dance, and will probably not enjoy it until he gets signed and coach tells him he can’t dance and JUST out of spite, he will get better at it. ultimately, he wishes to debut on a band, he wouldn’t really mind if he gets placed at any instrument, as long as he gets to sing. he still wants to reach paradise city, as guns ‘n roses have said.

quick mentions to some of my other muses as well. its funny how all my other muses lasted for months as well;; honorary mentions will go to namtaerk, minhxrk and probably minhyunrk, i won’t be really talking about them, so focusing on eunwoork and jisungrk;

i can without a doubt say that these are my more interesting muses, or eunwoo at least. her dream was to become a musical actress and was a serial dater; she’d date a lot of people, girls and boys, and wouldn’t really bat an eyelash once it was all over. never really had long term relationships either. she was into photography and her photography instagram was more popular than her personal one and she didn’t mind haha.

jisungrk wanted to be a professional football player and he was never really interested in becoming an idol, which made him fun to play. however, he was a really young muse, i think i made him 16? yeah, i think he was 16 and after that i realized i can’t do young muses;; its just weird for me, i have no clue what middle school kids actually do haha, i remember i just slept and did nothing all day, didn’t even study whoops.

but yeah, these two muses were very short lived but fun and i think that one day, if rkforthmuse is allowed, i highly doubt it, i will bring back eunwoork because she deserved more attention than i ever gave her.

now i will do a few mentions, by a few i mean it will be a lot;; i’m sorry if i get sappy or anything;; please accept my love <33

ABBIE - @seungcheolrk & @rkwon & @rkgwen - sunshine, my lovely amazing sunshine;; thank you. thank you, thank you. its been nearly five years of friendship, can you imagine it? soon, in just two months, it will be half a decade and i am extremely grateful;; i can’t explain it and i know that even saying it on a daily basis to you, it won’t be enough;; its funny how we started talking through rksoo and ellyrk, and now here we are, four years later, rkjicheol being in the same company, debuting together, in the same group. in all honesty, i remember when i dropped jihoon and then picked him up after like, literally two months, and it was one of the best decisions i ever made. i always have fun talking to you, plotting and threading and i honestly wish i did it a lot more than i currently do, but you know, uni is kicking my ass hasljdhlas anyway;; thank you, sunshine, thank you a lot and for these almost five years i love you a lot 🍅🍅🍅

HUNNIE - @yutark & @rksunwoo & @rkseokwoo - where do i even start?? like, oh wow, there is A LOT;; i can definitely say, we started talking when i suggested jihoon as sunwoo’s first kiss and look where the are now? dating, for what? seven months, can you believe that? SEVEN!!! this is insane haha;; and look and where we are now, talking on a daily basis, and its very very nice;; i don’t know what i would do nowadays without you, so i’m really really thankful you deal with my sorry ass so much ahdsdsalla it started with jihoon and sunwoo, then it transitioned to younghyun and yuta, and most recently, its been yuta and hyuna and their lil game of cat and mouse;; its always fun plotting with you, threading, talking, everything really;; and i really hope it will continue to be this way;; i love you

LYN - @rkxsnn & @rkavery - hello there mum!!! impressed im starting with you? anyway, i have A LOT OF THANK YOUS TO TELL YOU, starting from dealing with me, to helping me get through college, to life advice, to all the skype calls we had, a lot of things in these past few years. even if we don’t talk as much and i know you have life kicking u in the ass, i wish we could change that soon;; i miss you a lot;; all of your muses are amazing and i absolutely adore them, as much as i do you!! hmu soon;; minsoo and elly were iconic, and he will forever be a huge part of her;; remember that mino and taehyun ship we had? good angst times lbr.

JEN - @yujurk - sup there mum number 2 even though i act older than you, you can’t even lie about that haha; you were one of the first people i started talking to in rookies, and still do on a weekly basis? daily? you get the point haha;; damn, i don’t think we ever argued as well, which is insane and you do give good advice and oh my god your muses are so funnnnnnnnnn bring all of themmmmmmmm innnnnnnnnnnnnn;; i’m so so happy that you came back to rookies after that hiatus;; really really happy;; jieun and hyuna are iconic partners in crime;; jihoon is grateful that jieun taught him how to sing;; hyuna thinks soyeon will forever haunt her, no doubt;; jkook is forever jihoon’s bunny you can fight him about it;; eunwoo says jkook never took her on a date, she’s upset about it haha

CLARA - @rkwendy & @rkjohnny - clara clara clara. you really love having me send the group chat into gay panic huh? i will forever continue to do it, do not worry. once a week sound good? hahah;; i wish we talked more than we do lately, but its always fun no matter what it is;; i also know for sure, you have my back and we can take over a country if we tried hard enough lbr;; i think we mainly stared talking when the brosquad/antisquad happened, which was pretty much when i joined rookies haha;; so again, nearly five years of friendship look at that!! we need to talk more and you need to tell me more baking recipes!! i think it was hyuna and wendy that we first got to interact and then wendy and jihoon and funny enough, i feel like jihoon and wendy are closer than hyuna and wendy haha;; then younghyun joined the picture to fully annoy wendy out of this word;; we need to thread more sobs;; lets make that happen yeah?

SHINOBI - @rkkangjoon & @rkgray- hello there shinobi. i think our meet up scenario was the same as with clarea, huh? brosquad/antisquad;; we should talk more, that’s a definite but i think that with hyuna&kangjoon we have gotten a lot closer than before and its really cute and nice and i love it qwq gray and hyuna need to release a hit song someday, we better make that happen yeah??? good!!

SACHA - @rkrose & @rkkyungri - i am super super duper ultra mega giga happy we got to talk a lot in the past few months, get to know each other and its very very nice;; i always have fun talking to you and i know i can lean on you if my day has been shitty, and i am sorry if i’ve had a lot of shitty days sadhljsajldnl ahhh, but yes, our muses will go through a lot and i’m really happy you enjoy it and i hope we can see them grow and develop!!

ANI - @rkchungha & @rksohee& @rkmiya - what am i actually gonna do without you, that’s a very very good question i was asking myself recently. its really weird we never really talked a lot until younghyun was brought into rookies, which was i think this year huh? funny, very weird, what life was i living without you in it?? hahaha, anyway, i’m really glad and happy having chungha and younghyun so close got us to be closer as well, even if i set you into rp panic with random questions and potential scenarios haha;; i’m glad you enjoy them;;; love you lots!!

CARLY - @taeminrk & @rkluna & @danielxrk - we don’t really talk much, but in reality, i actually don’t know where i’d be rn if i couldn’t come to you with stupid questions and inquiries;; i wish you all the best in every possible aspect of life and love seeing you on the dash;; ngl i am also extremely and forever sorry that you have to read through hyunark’s post from like three years ago, that;s some nasty writing right there yikes;; but thank you for taking rookies under your wing and just expanding it and making it better and better with the rest of the mod team;; keep up the good work!!

a very special thanks to all of the royal girls, @rkxnarong , @rkyena , @rkella , @rkcheri , @rksoohyun , @rklisa , @rkrose who made royal survival a blessing, her stay in royal amazing as well;; special thanks to all the royal boys, ex ones count as well, fight me @rkbyunbaek , @jaehyunrk , @kibumrk, @yienrk , @rkseonho, thank you for being a part of hyunark’s journey in royal fun and emotional lbr;; you guys managed to make royal fun for me as well, so thank you so so so much to every single one of you guys;;

a huge thank you for og trc roster that’s still here and dealt with jihoon;s sorry ass back then; a huge thank you for the kt roster that had to deal with jihoon as well, even if it was for a short amount of time;; a huge thank you for sphere, and convex members @seungcheolrk , @rkhyun , @rkjinwook , @kibumrk , @rkjinkis , @rktaeyxng , @tenrk , @rkxroyal , @rkohsehun , @yienrk , @rkromeo , @rkzyx, who will now have to deal with jihoon like it not, but i apologize on his behalf;; even if i don’t say it often, i am really really happy jihoon got to debut with your boys and i’m happy i get to interact with all of you so much;; thank you, thank you, thank you;;

thank you rookies, for such an amazing time!! i can only wish and hope for many more!!!

#;wordcount/2715 #rkfifth #[[ im an emotional ball of sap rn #[[ thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

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thisismyghost-blog · 6 years ago

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1st time I told my fam/friends on fb about the sadistic monster who abused me and is facing agg kidnapping and 3agg rape charges

So idk how some of you will react to this but i have to risk people who will hate me or just turn away in order to gain reinforcements. I have been practically in hiding for almost a year after finally giving up on keeping a bold face at my job that I loved with a few people that I really loved due to the pain I didn’t know how to handle of being visibly and deeply scorned by a few people who I had done nothing to but be friendly and awkward to (just due to lack of social experience)I have been protected under the love of my amazing family, my best friend Sayruh, and the incredible loving man who I can’t describe rn who came into my life about five years ago and with who’s path, unfortunately, was diverged during what I’m about to tell you. This isn’t going to be college level essay ish, so bare with me. I’m bleeding and panting out of breathe in the battlefield of life at this moment but I haven’t dropped the sword and I never will. I don’t have to do this alone, as much as I’ve been alone and felt deeply affected by if people think I am worthless, stupid, ugly, a whore or make assumptions about me that hurt them or take me the wrong way.i have hidden myself to protect others and to protect myself but I see now that is utter BULLLSHHIIITTT y’all. I was in a “relationship”with what fits the pattern of a malignant narcissist, possible psychopath for 9 entire soul crushing, brain washing, body mutilating, being made to believe I was bad or crazy, turning against myself months. That’s the time it takes to grow a fully ripened human, and apparently it’s also the time to nearly break an intelligent, loving sister, mother, daughter, friend, woman almost entirely. This creature who masquerades as an attractive, eloquent, humble, caring, selfless individual has likely been slandering me since the moment he walked into my place of work as he, behind the scenes, carefully put up walls between me and anyone who might later have compassion for the things he had in store for me. That wasn’t terribly hard due to the fact that I was already a very shy person.This Lucifer gaslighted, undermined and abused me while successfully convincing me that he was helping me become a better person and applying his version of “therapy” based on his claimed experience in mental health in another country and coming out of terrible traumas all by himself. This person took the self doubt i already had, filled it with poison, and offered it through a needle promising the antidote. This person used my compassion and love for others to convince me to let him do horrible things to me as a stress relief or way of dealing with their past trauma in order to help them, to help them not do self destructive things and be able to go out and help others in Grand ways that he constantly spoke of.I have been hiding because I have seen that human nature tends to immediately start looking for ways to blame or dehumanize people that are in horrible situations like this. I have been hiding because I could feel the seering looks of disgust, feel the betrayel from those I had admired and even looked up to that had already taken place and wished not to extend an opportunity for others. I realize now that I have been ashamed of being vulnerable to someone else’s lack of humanity and feeling as though that truly debased me or may as well if it succeeded in debasing me from human status in the eyes of most people onlooking, so why give them a chance to onlook?I have no choice now because today I was shown my choice by the assistant district attorney. It was my hope to protect others from this monster. It was my hope because I have seen what these creatures who walk among us, looking like people, expressing emotion on their face like people, and I have seen this creature twist otherwise upstanding, moderately intelligent individuals into hating a person in order to discredit them and also back them further into a corner, convince them they are nothing, watch them suffer and feed on their tears like a twisted vampire. You think you can spot a monster? Maybe you would have better luck. I think we all think we do, how can you not believe what your mind is telling you when you look at what looks like a human being but is a monster no one warned you about, who literally takes pleasure in slowly driving you insane and takes bites out of your flesh like a wolf and yelling at you for bleeding. I am not perfect, no one is. I make mistakes, that’s human. I take the wrong path sometimes, also human. Do I need to say that in order for you not to start asking a million questions until you get to the part where your brain can let out a sigh of relief and go “ooohh I was worried this world was that horrific for a minute but clearly this bitch is an idiot or a sinner who deserved whatever she’s going on about.”?I want to stop and give credit where credit is due.I am tempted to name names but I haven’t. There are people who I worked next to everyday and only had affection for who completely turned their back on me when he was arrested. I didn’t call police, my doctor did. I hate attention, I have no vendettas. I have to get out of this corner letting him and his minions scare/shame me into silence and projecting their ill motives onto me. I know it makes no sense. I only know that I am sure I experienced what I imagine thousands of murdered women experienced in their final moments. I feel that he would enjoyed watching my final moments and holding them in his hands like a god. I only know that an amazing doctor who I trusted and went to for advice about how to not get murdered or even possibly salvage my life from without police help because I didn’t believe they would help me. I believed him when he told me his ex’s called police and he talked them away, I believed him when he told me that police came to my door at times when I was screaming and he talked to them while I was in the bathroom crying and convinced them everything was ok. I believed what he didn’t have to put into words but only insinuate, that everyone will call me a stupid lying whore for staying around and trying to get help would only result in being told so. I was wrong. My doctor called the police without my knowledge, everyone treated me with compassion and respect and told me I was safe now. I thought that meant other girls would be safe now. I was mistaken. I held onto the remaining shards of my life with all my strength, allowing people under his spell to treat me despicably as I fought the tears, told myself it’s my fault for not being a better person who speaks up and is more than just quiet and friendly but involved and let’s you know them and is there for you. I tried to hold my head high and ignore them or focus on the 3 friends I had left and remind myself that they could have no clue what the truth was and that they would never believe me over such a charming loveable individual. How do you tell someone that a person they admire is capable of worse things than they have ever imagined and expect them to believe you unless they are incredibly close and trusting of you?Trial is coming up. I thought I could seek back up through expert witnesses and professionals who could untangle the dark web of deadly lies, ignorance and misinformation. I thought maybe I could find others like the girl he claimed to have put in the hospital for three months.. I thought.. Maybe.. I could sleep at night one day without picturing dead girls all alone in a landfill disposed of by him and forgotten. That is only my imagination but your mind is your window to the world and it’s all you see. Instead I am told that due to the burden of proof, even after the stack of felony indictments an incredible female detective at Smyrna PD was able to procure on my behalf.. That he will most likely walk free or get less than a decade and be let loose upon the world again. If you ever get hurt, make sure it’s by a total stranger and that you see clearly what’s going on in order to be able to immediately, report it and get the hell away from them so the law can protect you.(sarcasm if u didn’t see it.)There has to be an alarm raised and debate changed. Not for me but for my niece, my cousins, our daughters and sons, every human being who is out there vulnerable to be spotted by a shark who probably dresses and speaks properly and seems like a “stand up citizen” maybe even have a position of authority, maybe even like he did, claim to be a representative of Jesus and some version of my personal Satan’s false story that he was a champion of all orphans and the disenfranchised. I have pictures of him surrounded by smiling children he claimed were in a orphanage he managed for a time in an impoverished part of the world and claimed to have been their main source of affection and mental health assistance in dealing with the loss of their parents.If you are totally mind f9(?#d after reading this, understand that I have been fighting epic battles through Hell daily via my mind and PTSD armed with love from my son, family, Antwane. An inkling that maybe I can build some sort of bridge to the nameless victims who will never have a charge formally filed much less prosecuted, the forgotten girls buried in shallow graves because a monster feasted on their human heart and knew no one would be in their corner to save them and that society at Large would walk on their unmarked grave with no tears shed for a “whore”. Armed with the small bit of reason and understanding I’ve gained through education and love not letting me die no matter how much agony and confusion and darkness swallowed me whole I walk out of that dark corner of shame today. I still need healing, I still am learning not to be hard on myself, I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’m fighting y’all and I have gained the type of clarity I’m not sure many people ever have after a lifetime. There is no magic day to come where after you try hard enough you never incur anymore criticism and you feel good enough, but in the meantime those who are so sure of themselves are devouring the innocent, virtually wholly unchecked and every bully, every shaming comment meant to put you down and shut you up is a type of weaponry used by those behaving inhumanely and projecting their diminished humanity onto you. Don’t let them do it. If you care how you affect other people you are top notch in my book and every shortcoming you have tell everyone to STFU about and keep going. Your inability to wow a crowd or rock a swimsuit for a magazine or even speak to a stranger or your emotional outburst and lack of attention to your house when you’re depressed.. any and everything that you feel ashamed about, you give it the middle finger for me. Your voice in your own head and how you see yourself is where it starts and YOU are who I need to join me in this fight with the odds insanely against me and the rest who fall into their snare. I need you to keep trying,I need you to fight to see for yourself what really matters and what is left because there are no superheroes or quick fixes and everytime you feel empathy for someone and want to take their pain or help, this is how. You become strong and you fight for reason, compassion, you fight the voices that degrade and throw away human beings but you start with your own.If you want to talk, text me. Might take some time but I’ll be there and I will not judge anything so if you just need to vent things you feel shame about I am a good sounding board I have discovered. I don’t have any answers for you but I am another human being who values you. Naj is doing great btw he’s facing his own bullies but he’s got an expert on his side and an amazing dad and uncle. I have an extremely bright gorgeous life ahead and I see it on the horizon. I almost said if I don’t reach it I will die trying but there are 3 amazing guys in the next room that love me, a gorgeous brilliant sister a few minutes away, my mom with her endless Love, compassion, years of memories and experience that I hope to be able to properly learn from and appreciate, this genius niece who is so much like me at her age but better and actually likes me. I could keep going. If you looked in the mirror today and thought anything besides “Damn fine bitch, world’s lucky to have me!” then go apologize please. Maybe you won’t mean it but you can get there. I may not be able to stop him. There may be Hell on Earth that I have yet to see, but the people who love us and are waiting for us to meet and love them, they are what matters now. You are what matters to me now. He used to tell me I would gain great wisdom from him and help him change the world. I did gain wisdom, I won’t give him credit for that, I dug it out of the ashes of what he left behind. If that’s possible then imagine what you can do

#recovery #recoveryafterabuse #recoveryafterrape #raperecovery #narcabuse #malignantnarcissit #sadisticpsychopath #covertmalignantnarcissist #psychopathabuse #datingpsychopath #datingcovertnarcissit #rapetrial #lowselfesteem #shame #ptsd #rapetraumarecovery #pnsd

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gayneral · 6 years ago

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All those flowers, my dude

First of all thank you for asking, this will be longAlso as this took me almsot two weeks already I took the liberty of leaving some queastions out so I wouldn’t take even longerSince this was answered over a longer time span some questions that are aimed at certain days may be slightly outdated (ed what are u wearing today and such)

Alisons: Sexuality?I’m gay my dudes

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?He/Him, male

Amaryllis: Birthday?My Birthday is in June

Anemone: Favorite flower?This is gonna sound lame as fuck but I rly like roses, red ones in particular

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?I can’t choose but here are some favorites:

Peaky Blinders, I’ve watched this one so often,,, Cillian Murphy was what got me into it and I stayed for beautiful scenes and atmosphere and the gang drama

Gotham, Let’s be honest, the best thing abt dc are their villains (also suuuuper into Robin Lord Taylor as Oswald)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Office, i like these because they are easy, nice and satisfy my need to have something running in the background while I’m at home. (Also insanely sweet in the case of BB9)

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?One I still remember strongly is from two boys kissing “you should all live to meet your future selves”

Also many of the poems by keaton st james deeply resonate with me so check those out (most are religious-ish just in case that’s a no no for you)

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?I gotta be boring and say water

I like hot chocolate and a special kind of peach tea and some soda I drank in brazil but water,, yeah I drink that most,, love hydration

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Nope

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?I am, right now, at this very moment

Baneberries: Favorite song?I can’t give you an all time favorite so here’s a random favorite I currently like listening to: Sedated by Hozier

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.My family is not very big and actually hasn’t been a family for a very long time. Namely it’s my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dads wife, her son, our dog and I. I have never experienced family in my youth so sometimes when I’m with them it’s all very odd. And sometimes it’s stressful. But it’s the first time I actually miss family when I’m alone at home, far away. I speak about my father and my grandparents further below but my sister is very sweet and I’m pretty protective of her, she and I get along a lot better now than before which is a common trait as ull see later.

We often take care of things, and are probably the most planning of the family. My dad’s wife is very good to talk to, having a very different perspective from my own and will always offer up advice. Her son is currently in pirperty and more interested in playing fortnite than anything which makes for some explosiveness at home. Our dog is cute and perfect that’s it.

Begonia: Favorite color?I like blue tones, but a dark, rusy kind of red is cool too

Bellflower: Favorite animal?Dogs Dogs Dogs. By far my favorite animal, they fill my heart with joy. Next up, Giraffes, funny big boys

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?Morning I think, I definitely work best early.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?I actually never really had a dream job as a child. Not that I remember at least.

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?While I generally ain’t a big fan, like I’m someone very based on conversations so obviously that’s hard w kids. I am growing more to them. I’m far from wanting one but I think children are special in their.. Like innocence. They are beyond all the bitterness and hatred that we adults have. If only parents would be better lmao

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?I’m afraid of many things. Change for example. And failure. I think that might be because being perfect was important when I grew up and whatever I did it was never enough to my mother especially. Perhaps that has become so deep rooted that I tell myself I can not fail, which makes me very nervous and makes me worry too much.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.I spend lots of time on building sites and in hardware stores because my grandparents have houses and my parents often would work there too.

Buttercup: Relationship Status?Single

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?God I don’t know, I think it’s probably when I’m with someone I care about and it’s easy and light and fun and I feel comfortable and they tell me that they like being around me, or that I made them happy with something.

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?Nope,wanted to have some but money and shit

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings? I have my ears pierced, but it’s the earlobes so the most basic thing

California Poppy: Height? I insist on 1,70 at least, I will not accept being under that.

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?In a way, yeah

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?My new boots, black pants, winter coat, black jacket, a blue button up and a lord of the rings shirt underneath. Obviously underwear

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?When I was a child for sure

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?A person from school, who’s also in fashion design, but a few years above me that I got to know bc of cosplay.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?My Ex

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?God idk, I like oldish looking ones, elegant ‘n stuff

Columbine: Are you tired?Nah, actually not rn

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?Sam visiting me in March

Coneflower: Dream job?I’m not sure, definitely something w sewing but idk if I wanna go theater or my own things

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?Introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?Yeh

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?Very very far

I’d say I’m pretty damn loyal and also give myself up easily even without noticing. If someone has my love and my loyalty they have my everything basically. Would I commit a terrible crime? I don’t know. Would I be real mean to someone or punch them? Yeah, if it’s reasonable w the situation I would (would it be affective? Not sure)

Give myself up? If we’re thinking real dramatic..maybe yeah

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?Gemini

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?Funny or stupid things? MaybeOtherwise honourable stuff, i don’t think so, i don’t view my actions like that.

I mean I survived, that’s pretty cool

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?Above mentioned survival. Which includes making it out of my mother and her boyfriends abusive grip and household. Moving away. Being true to myself. Dragging myself out of the hole I had fallen in for a while. Getting close w my dad and family. Believing more in myself and stopping things that are not good for me. Getting an apprenticeship that I like. Moving forward in life

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?If it’d be my dad I’d sit down with him and ask him why exactly. I have had a relationship before in which I did not see how badly I was treated/ that I basically searched someone like my mother. So I’d listen, perhaps to prevent from making the same mistake again. If it turns out it’s nothing reasonable I think I’d tell him that I will pursue the relationship anyway and ask him to respect that and be as nice as possible to my partner.

If it’d be my mother.. No surprise she doesn’t even like me and honestly I wouldn’t give a shit.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?Did I say it? Not sure but written it in a letter, it was Sam

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?If my grades speak for themselves it’d be my apprenticeship, or like idk working hard about something I enjoy. I take this very seriously and give it everything I can. I’ve been told I’m good at talking, not sure if that’s true

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?I’m envious. It’s not that far that I am not happy for people, I think i generally have it under control but sometimes it gets the best of me and fills my stomach with nasty emotions.

Also saying stop. I do a lot for people, and I’ve been prone to letting people use and step on me for too long xnot standing up for myself

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?The past month was actually absolutely terrible so not much to find here.Uhm..the bad thing that happened got our family closerI spend Christmas and new years w my familyI got amazing gifts and letters from my friends

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?Stressful. I worked on my semester project and I feel like hardly anything worked

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?I’m moving towards a happy place. But I’m definitely doing a lot better already

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?Finish my apprenticeship, surgery, be able to make my own money so I don’t have to rely on my dad so much (he does enough for me already) and so I can get more distance between my mother and I

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?In no particular order

1. Dogs, god whenever I see a dog I’m happy because they are so cute and loyal,,,,,,,

2. probably everyone and their dog says this but my friends, honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without them. They helped me through terrible times in my life, are a constant source of love and joy to me.

3. my family. Since I didn’t have that for a long time I cherish it even more now that I do. It’s amazing to have a family that supports you behind you. I’m super grateful for everything they’ve done for me

4. the possibility to do the apprenticeship that I want to. it’s not always easy,,,I lack the money lmao but I’m so grateful that I can do this, because it makes me feel like I’m actually worth something in the working,adult world. I’m good at this

5. music. I listen to it so often, I can’t imagine not having music

6. sunshine, there’s something wonderful about going outside and feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, when it’s spring and winter has just gone by and you just have to smile because everything is bright and you’re surrounded by light

7. myself. Listen I dislike myself as much as the next guy but I’m working on appreciating myself and I am insanely proud of myself for coming as far as I have come. I don’t let myself feel it very often but having myself, it’s a good thing. I know my younger self would be very happy knowing that I did all those things for us.

8. something that makes me happy is creating, might it be art, or sewing or writing, anything really. It’s a pain in the ass and frustrating at times but I love looking at something knowing I did this, finishing it. And then looking back at it later and seeing how far I’ve come again

9. playing video games. It’s just fun to lose yourself in a story sometimes.

10. Christmas Markets. I don’t like Christmas itself. But I love the Markets, it’s the atmosphere of it. The food smells amazing and there are all those lights and there are kids with actual shining eyes because they see Christmas so magical and they are in awe by all the lights and honestly I feel the same awe sometimes when I’m on those Markets

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? Hardly anything lmao. Listening to music. Distracting myself with either talking to someone or playing/watching something. Tho that often makes me feel guilty on the long run. What helps if stress is overwhelming me is writing down what it is that is stressing, like making a list and trying to untangle the mess, looking at what I have to do one by one

Hellebore: How do you show affection?Since I’m A big fan of honesty I usually just say it. I like to tell people when I get some emotion. Like just telling them that I appreciate them. I think it’s nice to just be told that sometimes. Besides that I do things, like I’ll send anon messages or offer help just assisting somehow. Like not always outright having them know it’s me,like affection from afar. And well I’m helpful when I care abt someone especially, like “I can do this for you”

And being super openIt’s not alway clever as experience has shown but to me offering up things about myself means trust means affection in a way. Like giving a part of myself to someone. lmao

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?Making it to this point, I wasn’t in a very good state just a bit ago. But with the help of my friends and family I made it out of it. I have an apprenticeship I enjoy, I have my own flat, I have something to stand up for again. I can appreciate myself some more. I was able to see toxic relationships i was in and get away from them and not let myself be guilted but seeing them for what they are and acknowledging that while I am not a saint it doesn’t mean that I have to accept any treatment. I stood up to my mother, even if just a bit that was a huge step for me.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?I barely had any of it recently so I can very much put what I want to do. Which would be drawing. I haven’t done that properly in so long and I miss it. Like both sketching stuff on paper but mostly full pictures, sketching, lining and colouring somethin. Having a full art piece at the end. Also Play Games. And talk to my friends. Haven’t had a nice hour long convo with Nina or Charlotte or Sam in ages and I hate that.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?That’d be Charlotte and Nina

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?I would hide away in my room and imagine. Invent stories, characters, anything to distract me from how unhappy I was. I would act them out in my head when I laid in bed so I could sleep.

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?I did not treat someone that I care about very well a few years ago, I didn’t give them the honesty they deserve. I was an asshole. Even if we spoke about it, I still feel very bad about it.

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?Indulging. When I have things to do but take a break I always feel super guilty for not doing anything.

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?It seems it comes from the Roman name Julianus, and was the name of a pangan Roman Emperor as well as a name of saints. Sometimes meaning youthful which fits because I look like a baby

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.I grew up in a big city in Germany. Very busy City with high buildings and no time. I lived in a flat when I was very young, a room with big windows where I’d sit and look out ot. Then we moved into the house my dad still lives in. Where houses were built in rows and more people knew each other, I’d walk home and pretend to not see them as to not have to speak to them.

Then I moved in a beautiful flat in a more busy part of the city, with a bookstore in the same building and a supermarket right down the street. My hometown is best described in the colour grey. I dont think it very pretty if I’m honest.Still its full of memories and not half as bad

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?Talking about the one in the house. Light peach coloured walls. Small but with big windows to look out of. An old wooden bed in front of one Window, and even older Closet next to the door, already so old that it had been ancient when my dad had been young. A desk in one corner at the other side of the room, above it shelves filled with books, little trinkets on the windowsills. Cabinets filled with paper full of secrets. Posters on the Walls and a round mirror that I hated looking into when I was young.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years? God no. I have repressed most of my younger years. My teenage years were filled with confusion and self doubt. I was a mess, I hated myself, not knowing who I was. And then knowing but being shamed for it, hiding away and keeping my head low to survive. Pushing myself to the limits and clinging to the thought that I could escape at age 18

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.My Mother and I are not on good terms. I’ve spend countless of years desperately attempting to please her, hoping for love or anything close to it. I was constantly let down by her. My mother is someone that I fear I’ll never understand, adapting to the men that she is with. Claiming to have reached compassion and selflessness while being the opposite. Acts childish and has never accepted or supported me. Now attempts to lure in my sister whom I fear for as she’s always wanted my mother to love her. I have estranged from her very much and currently I am happy seeing her as less as possible.

Onions: Tell about your dad. I remember my father as a very autocratic person in my youth. He’d always work and would only be home to cast judgement. We did not get along well, and my mother, like grima wormtongue, had influenced me further into seeing him as a terrible person. Now I see him very differently. In fact I am similar to my father. Hard working, well spoken and crafty. We share a similar humor and I am very thankful for his support over the last year. To me my father is a very good example of how sometimes people can actually change, sometimes second chances will not disappoint you. My father cares very much about our family and I am happy to have gotten close to him again.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.I won’t lose many words about my mother’s parents as there isn’t much to say about them.My mothers father was always sick, more often because he believed he was. The years before he died it had only gotten worse. My Grandmother was never really happy in that relationship, something I believe she handed down to my mother.

My fathers parentsWell, when I was young it was difficult, they aren’t exactly children people, despite trying. I especially had my difficulties with my grandmother, who was work above everything and wanted everything to be perfect.I remember her always fixing my clothing. Countless of instances of her and my dad arguing.

When I got older we had barely any contract until I had my coming out to my dad, who told my grandparents. Much to my surprise and I still respect that so much, they were immediately supportive and accepting, perhaps even more than anyone else from my family.

In the last year we grew closer. They helped me with my flat and would come over to set up a few things. I took them to a restaurant that my grandfather would always talk about whenever we talked, happily.

My grandmother and I had phone calls at least once a week, she was also the most interested in my apprenticeship, always curious, sending me old magazines and ideas she had. As well as button ups and shirts she had bought for me or old ones from my grandfather.She offered me support when we talked, told me they’d do anything they could

When my sister and I were getting clothing for my grandpa, as he was saying with us, I found a book on my grandmother’s bedside table.It was an educational oneIn it was also an article she had cut out of a newspaper, the title saying how the support of the family is the most important thing to lgbt children.

I miss my grandmother

Peony: What was your first job?I worked a summer at my mothers workplace. Cleaning watches and watch straps, replacing small things on the straps

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?We met 2014 on a cosplay convention in the city I grew up in. We met on the first day of that, where we all hung out in a group and then he and Charlotte spend the next day w us as well.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?I bottle it up, focus on something that keeps me busy. Sometimes other people’s pain or doing things for them. Distraction from thoughts really. I’m best when I’m busy

Pink: Where is home?If you’d asked me a couple of months ago my answer would’ve been easy and quick. But now phew, I mean I call my place home as in “I’m going home” and I call my dads place home as in “I was home over the holidays”

But I’m not sure, not really

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?I could go endlessly both about important historical events and tragedies as well as personal mishaps and bad choices. But eventually I actually think this is too big of a question to answer like this. I’m generally better in speech than word when it comes to things like that

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.Steady. As in a job that I like, that provides me with enough money to survive well. Not to worry about everything. Having Dogs, as that I something I always wanted. Living somewhere in the city (always dreamed of a Fachwerk House but yeah…), with the possibility to visit my friends that I am in good contact in. Living with love and happiness. With a connection to my family still as good as now. Perhaps with someone,,,

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?I love the sound of paper, like books, pages turning, things like that. Also soft rain

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?I’m a Class A represser. So it’d probably be many things centered abt my mother.

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want? I want my semester presentation to go well tomorrow. That’s all I care abt rn

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things? It used to be harder in the past but I’ve gotten slightly better at it. I’m still struggling with feeling but it’s a work in progress.

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?My Friends and Family, cheesy I know but over the last year I’ve become more set in that. Once more I noticed how much strength those can give you. And also noticed how important they are to me by the way things that happen hurt me

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?7 hours, couldn’t fall asleep at first but that’s usually my minimum of sleep

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?School. I have a timed, strict schedule thanks to that and it forces me to get up until a certain time in the morning. That helps a lot actually

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?I’m still in an apprenticeship but I enjoy it a lot

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?I have a new pair of shoes that are so beautiful I wish I had the look and body and style to wear them day to day. Also got some cool button ups

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.Look at this and you’ll see first hand https://www.pinterest.de/Gayneral/

I’m sorry I’m bad at desctibing my aesthetic. It’s like, historical stuff, museums, snowey Fachwerk, religious themed things, bee themed things, watches…

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?My semester project is due to two and a half weeks and I’m super nervous about finishing it like boooooy

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?Sadly I’ve been super busy recently so I’ve only been able to read a tiny bit in my holidays, Acht Nacht by Sebastian Fitzek

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?Still in school, doing good, and enjoying it

Still having a good relationship w my father, my sister and that whole family

Still good with my friends, hopefully seeing them more often

(maybe in a relationship pls don’t @ me)

Generally happy, not having to worry too much

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?Thanks to tumblr I do, and I hate it

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.I take my school very seriously. And I have zero tolerance for those in our school that don’t.

#you wanted to know #ninjago #answered ask #ask game #ask meme #pers: negative #redbluemaiden #long post

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stephanericherthanyou · 3 years ago

Text

Ch451-479

Ch451: Welcome to our Execution 4

(parts 1-3 in this one)

KUBO PANELLLLLSSSSS

Ch452: Erosion/Implosion

lmfao i can’t believe they made an ‘ichigo = 15′ pun in-universe

‘cousin’ tsukishima eh....so i wonder if that’s where they were going with the family red herring....i.e. the implication was supposed to be ‘tsukishima is his cousin’ and it was a fakeout

Ch453: Mute Your Breathe Friendship

this is legit scary omg gg kubo

Ch454: Two People Under the Moonlight

this is a bit similar to kyoka suigetsu after all...the illusion, the fake ver of the power, it only works when it stabs you/you see the release....but didn’t ginjou say before that the only power was something similar? so is he changing his story/working with tsukishima or?

boy they’re just going straight to murder huh? that’s.....fast

Ch455: End of the Bond 1

Ch456: End of the Bond 2

sdlkjf grimmjow and hiyori squatting in the corner of the cover page....come to think of it they’re quite alike

jesus christ this is terrifying

Ch457: End of Bond 3

again, how do these people know so much about him? how do they know about getsuga tensou? is this ever gonna be answered?

HOLY FUCK

Ch458: End of All Bonds

PLOT FUCKEN TWIST!!!!!!! (or was that tsukishima all along and he rewrote it as ginjou....ig if he can only put himself in the past then maybe not but well i guess the next page answers that)

Ch459: Death & Strawberry 2

oh does this mean rukia is coming back finally? death & strawberry 1 was of course ch1...or perhaps does this signify the character losing their powers as the callback....

oh it’s raining again! the symbolism! memories in the rain! everything but the rain! moon on the water!

also uryuu wow u look just like ur mom here *bookmarks this for the flashback too*

RUKIA!!!!! WITH THE MAGNIFICENT IMPALING KUBO PANEL!!!!!!!!!

THEY!!!!!! i’ll never be over it

YESSSS OG MEAT CLEAVER ZANGETSU...wow people ding franchises for fanservice all the time but you know what. some fans like to be serviced and i am one of them. show me my son with his beautiful giant fucking sword wider than the height of his head in a panel that’s mostly white ready to kick some ass and take some names, having just reunited with the close friend he never thought he’d see again.

damn i wish i’d been reading in real time

Ch460: Deathberry Returns 2

was there a deathberry returns 1? yes there was, ch151 and i can be forgiven for forgetting the name because it was also immediately following an insane chapter, the one where ichigo landed on top of the execution pole (haha execution...xcution....it’s like poetry THEY RHYME NICE JOB KUBO) and greeted rukia with a “yo :)”

also we get a really adorable wsj cover with smiling confident ichigo and meat cleaver zangetsu for the 10th anniversary...so was this all planned around the significant date...10 years (2ish in universe), once again rukia stabs ichigo and he gets his big fucken sword and shinigami powers....aww “i will use this power to protect my friends!!” i love ichigo so much

“TIME GOES BY BUT BONDS DON’T BREAK” reading this right on the heels of the obi-wan show premiere was an absolute mistake i’ve clowned myself.......ichigo and rukia........

“that’s impossible” buddy you’re the one who stalked ichigo well enough to know about his powers, clothing habits, etc....you didn’t realize this is his general m.o.?

“he may be able to change your past but he cannot change your future! the bonds you lost...you can just create them again!” RUKIAAAAAAA T__T

yeah coincidentally she brought all the most popular shinigami with her, not necessarily ichigo’s closest buddies! (also how did urahara know about tsukishima’s powers anyway....was he the one feeding him info or what)

ROLL CALL /takes shot

DESPAIR CANNOT STOP YOU!!!!!

(and nothing can stop the kubo panel he’s just been waiting to unleash his full power and live his best life)

Ch461: Come Around Our Turn

i’ve lost track of time. the moon is still crescent but i’m 90% sure it’s now turned the reverse way

wait if it’s still raining how come they can see the moon still anyway?

“COMMANDER OLD CAPTAIN” IM FUCKEN WHEEZING

ichigo’s so bright kenpachi can’t look straight at him

now *that* is a twist

Ch462: Why Me Sad

Ch463: Extreme Divider

did ikkaku get even more ripped....

ken-chan you’re so cool <3

Ch464: Quiet Chamber, Noisy Heart

actually that thing about “impossible” has i think been said more in reference to ken-chan than ichigo? perhaps i am misremembering but it still applies

ichigo thinking about uryuu wiping his glasses....idk why but i find that extremely touching (it was also a reminder to clean my own dirty glasses heh)

“...ichigo kurosaki is too naive. even though he’s burning with anger...he probably wouldn’t focus all his strength into killing you...from the beginning to the end of the fight.” damn byakkun

well that was a boast. i love him. pride is everything indeed! (and now i’m thinking about ‘pride of the quincy’ and all lsdkjf)

Ch465: Bad Blood Exhaust

yeah ok ikkaku has roid rage

shuu’s motorcycle....relegated to just one panel in an explanation by renji? damn i thought it was a bigger deal than that :(

Ch466: Screaming Invader

well that’s a plot twist i don’t like

well, technically, hitsugaya is a ‘death god’...

Ch467: Luck Men*

IKKAKU PLS

Ch468: Raid As a Blade

ok i know there’s not that much time left in the arc and we still need a bit more backstory etc but also it’s kind of amazing that so far the shinigami have just straight up been taking ass (that said they could still fall victim to things etc and iirc byakuya...does a little?)

but also all that stuff ginjou went on about re:physical bodies...are they (physical) fighting shinigami (spiritual bodies)? how does that work? is the 20% limit on or off?

“only risk your life for someone who would risk it for you! you might think it’s cool or manly to throw away your life like that, but it’s not!” IKKAKUUUUU

Ch469: Rag Lag Rumble

Ch470: Pray for Predators

Ch471: Pray for Predators 2

the hand details on the cover are lovely

Ch472: Razoredge Requiem

“today, for the first time, I have experienced the /joy/ of standing knee-deep in the fleeting moments of insanity during battle. thank you. i have /enjoyed/ the battle” man i hope ken-chan heard byakkun say that

Ch473: Enemies in the Dark

"i cannot begin to repay the debts i owe you. such is my gratitude. however you are an enemy of /kurosaki ichigo/. debt or not...i feel no remorse in cutting you down.“ that’s right tsukishima! this is the guy who was straight-up ready to execute his own sister do you really think he’d let something like that come between him and punching a hole through your body

didn’t they have that “you’re early”/”you’re just late” convo before?

i really like ginjou’s sword design

Ch474: BeLIEve

so what is this truth anyway

this feels like a thinly veiled metaphor for gps and smartphones...when was this published? 2011 maybe? idt they were that pervasive yet but maybe moreso in jp? among kubo’s peers and not mine? (is this like uryuu getting made fun of in in-universe 2001 for not having a cell phone)

Ch475 : Shades of the Bond

“impossible” again, rukia, how long have you known both ichigo and kenpachi

yknow what ichigo...own your average intelligence.

i don’t like ginjou’s sword in bankai but i do like his musculoskeletal outfit thingy

Ch476: The Lost

bawwww hitsugaya.....rukia and ichigo.....

Ch477: The Lost 2

this is like that meme of the people shooting in the church pews(?) but in reverse

Ch478: The Lost 3

“the moon sets...!” it is LITERALLY in the same place in the sky that you ALWAYS put it kubo

so he can erase himself too

oh. “thank you / i was never alone” OHHH welp. going back to loneliness, yet again.

Ch479: Goodbye to our Xcution!!

“when young people grow up...they shine so much that old people want to avert their gaze” so i was right about ken-chan then?

“bonds are stored in the memories...” huh

honestly that was a pretty melancholy note to end the arc on but. onward to sadder things i guess!

#richer rereads bleach #text post #long post #*reread this for food for thought #bleach

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stupidpianist · 6 years ago

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9 october 2018

18:06: It’s 18:06 while I’m starting this post and I’m, like, “therapeutically” listening to Glenn Gould perform Chopin’s third sonata over my speakers, and I have this apples and cinnamon candle going to my right. My brain is saying, “burn, baby, burn, yeah, that’s right,” at the candle, I think.

Deciding to do this through mutual “peer pressure” I’m getting from continuously reading Knausgaard’s My Struggle for the last several years, and more recently from Megan Boyle’s just-published Liveblog, which I’m now, like, fifty-one pages in, feeling increasingly obsessed with each subsequent page (i mean like the books are peer pressuring me i don’t mean like ppl are, attacking me, or something, for not doing this). I’m gonna quote the start of her liveblogging experiment:

“Starting today, march 17, 2013, i will be liveblogging everything i do, think, feel, and say, to the best of my ability. right now there is no one i talk to frequently enough to effect by my failure to follow through with tasks i said i’d do. the only person ‘keeping tabs’ on my life is me. as time has been passing, i have been feeling an equally uncontrollable sensation of my life not belonging to me or something. like it’s just this event i don’t seem to be participating in much, and so could be attending by mistake. maybe i wasn’t invited. clerical error. i witness myself willfully allowing opportunities to fade away, because sometimes, for whatever reason, it is hard for me to do things that i know will make me happy.

i can’t control getting older but i can control what i do as i age. also, i feel like my memory is deteriorating. i used to like documenting my daily activities. that seemed to help me remember more. lately the things i’ve been doing haven’t felt worth remembering, but i feel like that could just be a mind trick, and if i start writing more again, i’ll convince myself everything is basically the same as however many years ago it was when i felt more satisfied or hopeful or whatever it is i don’t feel now.

**THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE INTERESTING** **I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO MAKE THIS SOUND INTERESTING OR TRY TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME OR THINK ABOUT IF YOU ARE READING THIS OR ENJOYING READING THIS, IT’S JUST GOING TO BE WHAT IT IS: A FUNCTIONAL THING THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HELP ME FEEL MORE LIKE IMPROVING MYSELF**”

Feel strongly that this, p. wholly, encompasses why I’m gonna try doing this again, too. Previously “in my life” I used to make, like, daily videos, or “vlog”-type things, and for another period, I wrote one short story a day, and for another period, I wrote, like, a letter-a-day to the general public describing what I did that day, and during each of these periods, I think I felt my general productivity, motivation, mood, well being, increase notably.

Also feel strongly that I won’t be able to, nearly as accurately, follow my day minute-by-minute as Megan did, will probably revert to something I write at the end of each day, or something, I’m not sure yet, or, like, maybe smaller posts as the day goes on? I don’t know give me a couple of days to figure it out please, I really don’t, I’m not sure.

Feel excited by this, feeling like, “yeah, this is a good thing to do, yeah, yeah, you do this, George, just ‘give it a shot,’ ‘go for it,’ ‘you got this.’”

18:22: Just got a text from my mom that said “the big pile is beans! Silly” in response to my replying “too spicy!” to a photograph she sent me, of a mound of flat beans, and a couple of cayenne peppers next to them. I just replied, “I meant the big red peppers.” I’m grinning a lot.

(earlier today) 09:00: Woke this morning to the sound of workers on the floor above mine still renovating apartments. They do this aggressive, rhythmic hammering, which then stops for a few seconds, then resumes for a seconds, then stops for a few seconds, then resumes again. Made it extremely hard to “sleep in,” which I wasn’t even planning on doing, but after cancelling all of my alarms, I sort of just drifted in-and-out of sleep in a weird numb stupor.

12:00: Eventually got out of bed, feeling semi-disgusted at myself.

Decided to go with a “classic” outfit today, something from my youth, something from years past, something timeless. Chose brown pants with repeated cartoon raccoon pattern on it, grey long-sleeve shirt, “Don’t Give Up. Never Give Up.” black hoodie.

13:00: Felt “mild amazement” that I was “somehow, already” dressed, in a vaguely positive way.

I was like, “yes, yes, yes, keep riding out this positive emotion,” and made a “G Fuel” energy shake. Strawberry shortcake flavour. Highly recommend. Chugged smoothie while idly watching YouTube videos of tech topics. Had a moment where I was like, “oh crap, dude, you’ve only got, like, five hours of productivity left in the day, you gotta leave, get out of your apartment dude, leave, leave now,” and then, sort-of panicking, grabbed backpack, headphones, iPod, put on shoes, ran out of apartment to McLennan library.

13:16: Yeesh it was so warm today, like, what happened? We gonna get autumn or what, huh? You too chicken to “bring on the cold”? Got to the library, sweating like a disgusting piggie. Chose a computer in the Cybertheque area, couldn’t sit next to the windows where I usually like to sit to squirrel and people watch out my peripherals. I was all, “man you’re gonna get so much done, you’re gonna get all that goodass studying done aren’t you, you’re gonna breeze through these readings,” and then NOPE nada that is not what happened at all. I just pulled up Spotify and played Grouper and then read more of Megan’s Liveblog for like three straight hours, with “intense focus,” I felt, like, “undeviating focus,” like, “laser-like focus,” like, “hawk-like attention to detail.” Felt mildly insane, like, I absolutely could not believe how engrossed in the book I was.

I WASN’T ALL UNPRODUCTIVE look here me out please, you have to at least be on my side a LITTLE: okay here’s the productive things I did okay:

-checked electricity/hydro bill

-checked when midterms were

-checked work schedule for the week

Look I know I know it’s not a lot but please just shut up for like two seconds gosh

A strange thing that started happening—even though my mood started, like, at 7.5/10 when I got to the library, after three hours it dropped, like, severely. Like a lot, I have no idea why, just the natural curve of the day I guess but like by 17:00 I was at a 3/10 if that and was like, “I gotta get out of here, get out of here, yo, hey, stand up, walk outside, get some of that ‘sweet, sweet’ sunlight before the sun disappears for another twelve or thirteen hours, go, log out of the computer, move your butt, move faster, go go go go” and then the “go”s continued faster and faster until I was outside, and, like, dancing a bit to the album I was playing (Prequelle, by Ghost. Been listening to a lot of Ghost recently. Been really “Ghost”ing it up, if you smell what I’m cookin’.)

Then while walking I was like, “alright, okay, it’s ‘time,’ when you get home, just start writing, just ‘do it,’ it doesn’t matter if you have nothing to say, you’ll thank yourself later,” and alsoo another part of my brain was going “start yoga, you promised [your best friend] Alli you’d start yoga, you even told me you wanted to start yoga, why haven’t you started it yet????”

18:40: Earnestly feeling a lot better, yeah, yeah, I am!! I’m gonna finish this post for today but wow that actually helped a lot. I know that Megan’s liveblog experiment ended up having net-detrimental effects on her life, we’ll have to see “how this goes.” Also unfair to compare each experiment as hers was minute-by-minute, and mine is like totally not minute-by-minute to such a significant degree that the data sets can’t be cross-referenced, I feel? I don’t know.

Do any of u ppl have a yoga mat you are looking to sell or could let me borrow? My apartment floor is linoleum and almost as uncomfortable as it is unpleasant to look at. I have, like, this rug from Ikea, but it’s not really in a good position for “yoga-like purposes,” nor is it especially padded, or furry, or like, whatever, you know what I’m trying to say. Gonna use it for now and just “see how it goes,” maybe it’ll actually be just fine? Gosh I don’t even know, feel so unsure about everything. Feeling hopeful, though, feeling “very hopeful,” this was a lot of fun, yeah, yes; gonna try and put in more detail tomorrow, with more timestamps “for accuracy,” or something. Feel strongly that this will be possible, will be bringing around a notebook to “log things in” now that htis project has started, yeah, uh-huh, mhmm, yes yes yes

#liveblog #blog #writing

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tkmedia · 4 years ago

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Have ‘morally reprehensible’ Italy peaked too early?

Get your views on Italy and much more in to [email protected]… Italy v Belgium I enjoyed both games of football last night but in particularly the Italy v Belgium game with so much attacking intent on both sides. What I do not understand is how Italy get away with so much, I guess I would call it cheating. It gets called gamesmanship or the dark arts but it amounts to the same thing. It was highlighted perfectly by the BBC commentators at half time and full time in relation to Immobile where, as ex-pros, they were all laughing and joking about his antics. Would this be the reaction if the game was against England? I suspect not. Many years ago, John Nicholson wrote an excellent article about a mate of his (probably a bass player or a drummer) who got away with things because of who he was and John likened this to Italian Football and the then Italian president Berlusconi. By John’s reasoning, Italy and their president got away with things that other countries/presidents couldn’t because it was expected of them. This still seems to be the case and they have almost become a parody of themselves. I have no affiliation with Spain but I do hope that they get past this highly skilful but morally reprehensible Italian team. Gwarrior (LCFC) Italy peaking Anything can happen in the semi against Spain, and I’m sure the best team will win, but is there anybody out there who still thinks Italy peaked too early? Dario (gutted for Spinazzola, he’s been immense) Club team Italy play like a really well drilled club team despite playing a very different game to the Italy I’ve always known (apart from excellent game management/dark arts). How does an international team do that? Aidan, Lfc (Based on my 1 game experience of watching Doku, and limited football knowledge, I confidently suggest Liverpool should sign him) Quick Euro thoughts… – Spain’s Pedri is an absolute talent, could easily see him becoming the talisman of Barcelona once Lionel Messi does leave – Switzerland did themselves proud and a few of their team put themselves forward for a potential summer move, Yan Sommer anyone? – Italy could just win this whole thing, really impressive blend of old style Italy and new style – Ciro Immobile with the finest acting since Luis Suarez against Norwich – Is Roberto Martinez actually a good manager because I just can’t tell – Jeremy Doku is going to be yet another player Rennes make an insane profit on in a short space of time Mikey, CFC Chip on England’s shoulder… I used to wonder why so many people dislike England during International tournaments. I now understand because I’ve joined the queue. It’s so frustrating and annoying to hear the English media seemingly proclaim England the best team in the world because of one victory…ONE VICTORY…against a team you all claimed were no longer the force they use to be. Suddenly, every other team has a deficit and only England is going from strength to strength… Really?…REALLY!!! The worst thing is you have been playing the worst football this tournament has seen(Yes it’s the worst. If you have the best attack in the tournament like you claim, you shouldn’t be parking your team’s aeroplane on the pitch). Nelson (I can’t wait for Ukraine to give you guys a thorough trashing so things can go back to normal.) Lagos. KDB When the pressure is on in the biggest games, the great players stand up and make a difference. Not for the first time, Kevin De Bruyne was nowhere to be seen when playing on the big stage. Jamie, Eire

Dropping Sterling… First off, let me begin by saying I am not a fan of Raheem Sterling. He wouldn’t be on my fantasy team and I can’t understand why Southgate likes him so much. However, he is the leading goal scorer for England in the tournament and seems to be on a hot patch. How does dropping him make any sense? What other team would drop their leading goal scorer going into an important game? I would drop Kane, who let’s be honest has been woeful. Was not his goal also a tap-in? Yet the bias media celebrated the goal like it was some magical work of art. For Spurs yes he is magic, for England he has been below par. This same media is debating whether to start Grealish, he is England’s best player. He changed the last game as soon as he came on. I do think England will have enough for Ukraine, but Denmark will be a tough battle and could be the end of the road for England. Christian Gooner – Toronto Sterling right of reply… Enjoyed the replies to my Sterling email, less so the comments baselessly calling me part of the ‘Brexit/boo the knee crew’ and suggesting my analysis of some relative weaknesses of a footballer is based on ‘hatred’ – inaccurate, weird and offensive, ‘Luxongo’ et al. Sterling is a very impressive man on and off the pitch and has suffered deplorable abuse of all kinds – but it doesn’t make him (or anyone else) above fair criticism of his standard of play, nor does it mean anyone criticising his play should be associated with that abuse. Still, it’s useful to know how people must feel when they are ‘no-platformed’. Anyway – some perfectly reasonable opposing opinions (and it’s ok to disagree – I think?), but I have to take issue with Rob saying ‘ You simply cannot choose “whatabouts” over “reality”’. It seems he’s essentially saying that if you win, no one should ask: ‘what if we changed this, would we be better?’. A main point of my email was that if you rest on your laurels and don’t go through that exercise, eventually you are likely to come unstuck, just as we did in 2018. If you go through it and the answer is ‘no, we’d be no better’ then fine, but don’t stick your fingers in your ears and sing la-la-la at the process. I like John G’s comparison to Linker and Greaves because Sterling has obviously done well to be in a position to score his goals. There’s plenty of merit in that view if the idea is that Sterling and Kane are an old fashioned front two with Sterling as the poacher, but is that really the way people think we’re playing and the main role people expect Sterling to play? The other problem is that in 1990 Lineker played in an XI with Beardsley, Waddle, Platt and Gascoigne. Not quite the seven defensive players we deployed in the last 16. If it wasn’t already a long email, I would have said yesterday that I’m more (but not completely) in favour of playing Sterling if we revert to an attacking four for the rest of the tournament, but in a 5-2-3 there is pressure on Sterling to create and, as Derek points out, we create a ‘paucity’ of chances with him as one of our attackers, with a number of promising scenarios breaking down as a result of his decision making and/or poor touch (something that’s pretty hard to prove or disprove with stats). Anyway, assuming Southgate persists with Sterling, obviously I hope I am proved wrong – it’s just that there’s a difference between what I hope and what I think. Shappo The real ambition in the tournament With the hands of time ticking inevitably towards another great sadly leaving the game, it’s clear that one man at the Euros is seizing the world stage to show that he’s ready to take over. In a match filled with stars, only one has stepped up to make it about them. No hesitation, confidence in spades – he’s stolen the show. Michael Oliver is clearly the next Mike Dean. Ryan, Bermuda (a normal human being would err on the side of a yellow and go to VAR, but never Oliver or the great Deano. Own those game-ruining mistakes I say!) Time for a Sin Bin? Football is an evolving sport. VAR is becoming less intrusive as we get used to it. But for me it is the acceptance of constant fouls that now needs addressed. Trips, pushes, niggles that stop the game and often stop real attacking opportunities, but are not bookable until about ten have been let go. So time for a 10 minute sin bin. A punishment that will impact on the game, give the perps a real disadvantage, and stop them doing it. The evidence is there from rugby. The ref warns then bins. It would make football a better game. Tim Haaland dreams… Imagine this: Haaland stays put in Dortmund this season. His goals output next season drops with Sancho’s departure. (Haaland’s father reportedly went “F**k…” upon hearing confirmation of Sancho’s transfer to Man U”.) Man U goes on a deeper run in CL say semi-finals… What are chances Haaland joins Man U next summer -to re-unite with the man that assisted the most for his goals, and with the man who coached him in the youth ranks? Many ifs, but one can dream… Lionel, Singapore Salzburg is in Germany? Hi there, I’m not taking issue with Lee’s general point about the BuLi being a less physical league , but Takumi Minamino signed for Liverpool from Austrian side Red Bull Salzburg. Austria hasn’t been a part of Germany since, well, some unpleasantness that is rarely discussed in the British tabloids, and certainly hasn’t been mentioned at all recently… Dara O’Reilly, London Souey Anyone who doesn’t have a man crush on Graeme Souness is made of stone. BB Read the full article

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analoganarchy-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Prisoner 444

Short Story by u/kinspira

It should’ve been easy. I had gone over the calculations a million times. A simple jump to the future and a quick look around, tour a couple cities maybe... nothing should have gone wrong. Ah, I should’ve known better. The words easy and time travel never ought to belong in the same sentence. Just as I was entering the time stream, I remember someone grabbing my wrist. I had turned to see a man clad in black, with sharp green eyes glinting behind a metallic mask drawn tight around his face, and a brilliant flash of red light. I’m not sure how long it had been since I saw that man. It could’ve been hours. Days, weeks even.

I looked down at my wrist. My watch was still strapped tight around it. A beautiful contraption, designed in the antique style with old-fashioned watch hands and a face typed with Roman numerals. However, I knew that the face was only a facade for the wonderfully complex circuitry that existed beneath it, that allowed me to jump to past and future in the blink of an eye. But something was wrong with it. The watch hands were spinning in circles. Over and over, unceasingly. Like they were lost.

I glanced around the room. It was white all around, from floor to walls to ceiling. Maybe ten feet square, furnished with a bed, bath, toilet, and sink. Not too bad as prisons go. But still definitely a prison. Well. I considered my options. My watch was acting strangely, but I was still relatively sure I could escape whenever I wanted, turn the dials back and jump right back to the present. But I wanted to know who trapped me here. If it was some kind of government authority, I didn’t want to be branded as some kind of interdimensional convict who broke out of jail. So the plan, at least for now, was to wait. I sighed and sat back on my bed.

A heavy hand clapped suddenly onto my shoulder, and I jumped and whirled around, staring straight into a pair of hauntingly familiar green eyes behind a silver mask.

“It's you!” I made a move to grab his wrist and an unseen force pushed me back, slamming me against the wall on the other side of the room.

“Don’t resist, Prisoner 444,” the man said. “You’ll only make things worse for yourself.” His voice was a bit muffled behind the mask, but also vaguely familiar.

“Where am I?" I gasped as I struggled to my feet. "And who are you?"

“I am the Warden,” he said simply. “This is my prison, the Time Well, where we send violators of the interdimensional law. Do you know why you're here?"

“I... I uh, I'm afraid not, Warden,” I said. I decided to pick my next words carefully. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware of any of these, uh, interdimensional laws as you call them. You see, I’m from the present, MY present, the year 2018. And as far as I know, I’m the first time traveler, ever. My only goal was merely to complete a pioneering expedition, if you will, take a quick look-see around Future Land. I wasn’t going to talk to anyone, or break anything. I don’t see what could've happened.”

"The ignorance," the Warden sighed. "The consequences are substantial and almost limitless. A single wrong step and you would have created innumerable timelines. And I’m not just talking about the consequences to the world around you, but your own body as well." He leaned back against the wall and sighed.

"Time traveling does strange things to people. The physical body was not meant to travel as you do, so carelessly through time and space. And your mind... ah, that is probably the most frightening part of all. Time travel destroys your mind. Every time you step out of the time stream, you change. You lose another piece of yourself, of what makes you human. Because you are forcing your mind to comprehend a reality it was never meant to understand, to make sense of an impossible situation, to- “

“Alright!” I interrupted, clapping my hands. “Thank you, kind Warden, for your concerns. But I really don’t feel like listening, and I don't feel like staying here, so I think I’ll make my way back if you'll excuse me. Thanks for the conversation, and see you in perhaps three thousand years or so, yes?”

He didn’t say anything, but his eyes seemed to crinkle into a little smirk as I turned back the dials on my watch, forcing the spinning hands to stop and reverse direction. I should’ve known something was wrong then. But the world spun and blurred, the air seeming to crack as I tore open a rip in space and time. I leaped through and shouted triumphantly. I turned, expecting to feel the warm sun and a cool breeze on my face, but instead stared straight into the lightly amused eyes of a man in a silver mask.

“What the hell?” I gasped. “How…?”

“Welcome back, Prisoner 444." He paused, then corrected himself. "Ah, my mistake, I mean 445. Good to see you again.”

“How… how is this possible?” I whirled around, taking in the same white walls, the ceiling, the floor, in bewilderment.

“You should listen to your timepiece,” he chided. “It’s trying to tell you something.” I paused and looked down at my wrist. The hands on my watch were spinning in circles again.

“What does this mean?” I demanded.

“It means this place is timeless. A closed loop that you can’t escape from. And believe me, you have tried. Over 400 times, in fact."

“I- I what?!" My heart jumped in my chest. "I’ve been here over 400 times?”

“Well, this version of yourself has been here 445 times now, to be exact," said the Warden. "But you have been trapped here actually a trillion different times now."

"ONE TRILLION?"

"Yes," he said, his voice very matter-of-fact. "You are quite persistent. Here, take a look.” He produced a remote from his sleeve and pressed a button, and the walls around me flickered and turned transparent as glass. And now I could see the true sheer scale of the prison. Rows and rows of white-walled cells just like mine lined endlessly down countless corridors. And inside each cell… was me. Different versions of myself. Most of them sat on their beds with heads bowed, but some of them paced the floor, still, others frantically pounded the walls, yelling unintelligibly. They rolled across the floor, at times laughing hysterically, which quickly turned to desperate sobbing.

“Those…” The Warden pointed to the versions of myself that were yelling and crying out. “We call those the Millionths. The ones that have been caught in this recursive loop for millions of iterations. If you didn’t believe me about the mental toll that time travel takes on people, you should now. Their sanities have been long gone.”

I turned back to the Warden in horror. My knees felt weak.

“This is insane,” I spat. “How can you possibly have room for literally a trillion people?”

“Ah. The Time Well is not only timeless but infinitely expansive." He shrugged. "There will always be another room for whenever another version of yourself tries to escape via time travel. And they only get crazier each time, believe me. You are only the 445th one, so by comparison, you are actually relatively sane.”

“No,” I hissed. I took a step toward him. “No, no, no. You're the one who's insane, for trapping me, for trapping all of us, in here for all this time. It takes someone seriously demented to be actually okay with... with violating possibly every basic human right. Where's your humanity? You’re sick!” I yelled, slowly advancing as he backed up against the wall. “You’re the craziest of them all!”

Before he could react, I shoved the Warden against the wall, pinning my forearm up under his throat. With my free hand, I reached for his mask and tore it away. And what I saw made me fall to my knees with horror.

I stared back at my own face. Those hauntingly familiar eyes were my own. My hair was streaked with silver, my face marked with scars, but it was like looking in a mirror.

“You’re absolutely right,” said the Warden, grinning fiercely. “I am quite possibly the craziest of them all." He threw back his head and laughed. It was high and clear and mirthless.

"See, all traces of empathy were splintered from my mind as I entered the time stream, again and again, trying to escape this hellhole. So yes, I feel nothing when I see the suffering I inflict upon millions, billions, of people. Ah... I was like you once. Hell, I was you once, at some point. And you will be me. But look, I finally wore down the timepiece.” He held up his wrist and pulled back his sleeve, and now I could see that the hands on his watch were not constantly spinning like mine. They weren’t moving at all.

“And so the recursive loop ends with me. I am the last. The last version of you stuck in here.” He smiled, but there wasn’t a trace of warmth or emotion in his, in my, eyes. “I am the trillionth iteration.”

#fiction #scifi

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scummy-writes · 7 years ago

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Thoughts on the V Route! (Spoilers)

Full on disclaimer: This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

So, starting off, I cannot say I didn’t have a fun time with this route. I mean throughout the whole game, I was so excited for every chat, even if it dealt with characters I didn’t enjoy at all (Which was mainly just Rika, to be honest.)

I’m not going to lie though, while I like V, there were some things I was kind of disappointed in, but since V isn’t one of my super favorites, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that the route is terrible because of some of the things I didn’t personally like.

But...I wanna open this up with more than just complaints!

I do wanna talk about what I enjoyed!

So seeing all of the characters before the canon main story was very fun! It was neat seeing how different they were two-ish years back. Jumin seemed to remain the same out of all of them (Still confused about the world outside of what he’s experienced, still a lovable dork in my opinion, still pretty level-headed and trying his best to joke).

Jaehee, through the whole route, seemed a lot more blunt than usual, and after I was secured on V’s route (aka getting to day 5 with no problem), I was very happy that I could throw a lot of hearts to her without an issue, haha! I missed being able to be sweet to her, and the cute (and tired) selfie we got was great!

Yoosung was very….Salty. Very much so, and there were times where, at first, it was a little annoying. Right off the bat he starts trying to convince you V is shady, and I can’t really blame him due to it being set just six months after Rika’s ‘death’, and how he was there with the interview with V and the police- That would make me a little suspicious as well….But, like usual, he kinda...blew up about it at first, but I got used to it, especially later on once he learns about what Rika had been doing and starts freaking out (along with all of the other members). I really Can’t blame him for that orz poor sweetie ;;; I think that would be such a huge shock knowing a close family member did such things. I’m glad he was able to get help, but also as the route went on, I felt so bad that he apparently never got therapy when he first learned about Rika’s ‘death’. :( And it was also sad when Jaehee seemed to recommend it from possible personal experience. I mean I’m glad she was able to get help, but hhhhh my babies ;;;; The fact that he apparently turned to drinking a lot when Rika ‘died’, and later on in the route, h u r t s orz

And contrary to popular belief, while Zen isn’t my favorite, I did have a fun time with him in this route except for when he was an asshole in situations that it wasn’t necessary. V getting hurt and needing a doctor is an example, and I thought it was uncalled for when Zen chose that time, of all times, to nag at Jumin for wanting to bring in his personal doctor. Another time is calling Yoosung a ten year old when Yoosung started to text MC during a big mental breakdown moment of his- Finding out this stuff with Rika. But...Besides that? He was pretty fucking funny. The whole thing about his computer was great, and I really did appreciate him helping Yoosung out, and showing more what their friendship is like. My only other issue was that, at first, there weren’t many options with him that I could choose that weren’t either A- Relentless flirting, or B- being a complete ass to him. Later on this got better though! I really like it when he’s not trying to flirt with you a lot.

Seven……..Was fucking great LOL. Lately I’ve been liking him more as a character! At first I was just kinda ‘meh’ with him, or had days where I just didn’t want to think about how he was kinda rude on his own route, but just seeing him in the chatroom was always great. At first he seemed a little...Hesitant? But later on it was just great seeing him interacting with everyone. The car-ride with Jaehee was great, and according to a friend, I apparently missed a very prime opportunity to call and hear him impersonate Jaehee LOL. I felt extremely bad for him later on, but...I’ll get to that later >>. Regardless, I enjoyed his goofiness and interactions! I especially loved when him and Vanderwood were able to interact. I honestly didn’t think Vanderwood would be in this, but it was great seeing him! (And realizing he wants to go by ‘Stark’ instead LMFAO). When Vanderwood took Seven’s phone and chatted with you- I can say I think that was one of my favorite chatrooms in the game. I laughed so much and just had a fun time talking to him!

For V...

While I highly enjoyed each chat, a lot of phone calls, and some of the scenarios we were presented with, I have to say overall that this route sorta lowered my opinion of V ;;; There were many moments I enjoyed, don’t get me wrong! I loved finally getting to talk to him on the phone, how kind he was with the player, and just seeing how V really acts. In the main route, we never got to see him much...So every chatroom with him and Jumin were great, and I loved being able to learn more about his past (and good god I love his mom a lot? I wasn’t expecting that ajfbsdbhf). I Also loved the chat with V and Zen, talking about when Zen got into that motorcycle accident? It was nice hearing that Zen didn’t really seem super bothered (??) about the fact that V was...stalking him. It was weird, but I suppose it’s because it led to Zen still being alive to this day ajkbfsh

There were a lot of moments in the game that I loved, and so I was really hyped for what his route was going to bring! I was hoping my worries were going to be answered, but it started going downhill quickly for me when he straight up lied to Seven about Saeran being the hacker. Like, I was all “Okay, well… Maybe it’s because adding even more stress into a stressful situation isn’t ideal right now…?” But...It just rubbed me the wrong way, and as the plot progressed and Saeran killed himself- It’s never shown with V telling Seven about who the hacker really was?? He got away with never giving Saeran a chance to be saved from that horrible situation, which could have been solved if he just told Seven. Hell ;;; I wouldn’t even have minded if V told Seven, and the outcome was still the same. It would mean he was at least trying to help Saeran.

Because of that, and because of how much I love Saeran, that...Really made me not like V as much anymore. I could handle him wanting to hide things from the RFA members- He’s a victim of abuse, he wouldn’t want to hurt them especially when it came into terms of how horrible Rika had turned out to be. But he had several chances to tell Seven about Saeran, even if it was just “The hacker is Saeran-” Because Seven would have damned well tried to rush into Mint Eye a lot sooner than Saeran had a chance to kill himself. I...Can’t really think of any ways to forgive him for that. That’s a huge mistake to make, and where it led just makes it harder to say I like V after this.

I think I still prefer a V that is outside of this route, and based off of stories and fics I read before this route ;;;

Since we’re on the topic of Saeran, I cannot express enough how much I love him waaaah ;;; The whole Ray/Saeran bit gets me confused. I can’t tell if ‘Ray’ is how he really acts (which doesn’t make a lot of sense), if he has BPD (Which I guess is plausible but I don’t know anything about the disorder to be okay with saying he has that), or if the possible multiple personality is a side effect of the elixir? I honestly cannot tell. I know that probably makes me look insanely stupid, but BPD is something I’ve never looked into, and the few times I’ve seen it portrayed in various media, there’s always been a huge fuss over how its portrayed wrongly (like a lot of other mental health issues are).

Besides that, I loved every interaction with Saeran/Ray ;;;; I loved the calls, the messages, and it was always so difficult trying to purposely be mean to him. Orz Saeran is a heavy bias for me, so I loved all the content we got with him in this route. Him liking plants, researching flower meanings, the small details about everything he went through as a child (besides it being vague), the fuckcing emojis… I l ov ed. When day 10 happened, I died so much inside. I’m almost tempted to try writing a few fics (that are not….smut) dealing with Saeran and those moments. My fucking heart hurts too much ;;;;

I could gush about him for a while, so I’m going to take a hard lean to move onto trying to talk about my thoughts with the plot now, and then try to wrap this up! I’ve been trying to write this out for the past few days and failing miserably due to work.

I fully went into this game expecting this to be an AU (I mean...it is, right?), that a lot of the new details we learn about the characters are still canon, but it’s an AU because this wasn’t how they originally wanted the game to play out. (Does this make sense?) So, Zen having an old computer and being a doof when it comes to technology, Yoosung never getting therapy and drinking to deal with his feelings of Rika’s death, Jumin…………….being the same showing more interest in the supernatural, Jaehee being fully trusted as being the head of an intelligence unit- etc etc, all of that can be taken as canon!….Right?

(T_T I’ve never tried explaining it, but I’m sure you guys understand what I mean by that!)

Anyway, keeping that in mind and how this is nearly two years before we meet the gang in a more mature-er state (cough Yoosung cough), it was fun finding out more details about the characters that I didn’t expect, or having personal/friend HC’s confirmed!

Besides learning about the characters, we did get to learn more about Mint Eye, which I was thankful for. It was nice seeing how it worked, that they DID have a cleansing process (but apparently only needed to use it twice within the first six months?), what sort of ranking Saeran had, and how Rika was regarded. It seemed pretty big at six months, and I think Rika herself says that it’s been since months since they’ve moved into the building, so it does sort of raise questions again, such as was she getting people into her cult for a while before her ‘death’, the funds she got for it (I’m guessing possibly V’s money? Her parents, adopted or not, didn’t seem to care much about her at all), and so on. Also, since it seemed like there were so many members after the first few months, it’s scary thinking about how big it got after two years.

And god, did we learn so much about Rika. On one hand, it’s nice seeing more of her backstory, her (delusional) reasoning for making a cult and brainwashing a child and many other adults. I really wanted answers, even if it was through some unpleasantness with Rika herself, and I got some of mine answered. I was thankful we could say no to her, as a lot of her actions and some of her excuses for her behavior reminded me of two very horrible people in my life, and it tremendously hurt seeing how much she had Saeran wrapped around her finger. I’ve heard some rumors about what the bad ends are (please don’t tell me!) and if they are true, it means there’s a chance a few sad hcs I had aren’t too far from the reality of the game. Which...Doesn’t make me a happy camper orz But regardless, their relationship worried me a lot, even if we knew he was really ready to do anything for her. Just seeing it just- shudder.

I also actually enjoyed the game showing that mindless devotion towards a partner doesn’t really solve...Everything. I don’t see that often! It was nice, especially since it was showing how they both messed up in the relationship (very much one messed up a shitton more than the other, with stabbing and dropping treatment, b ut it was nice seeing it nonetheless).

With the plot, even if it could be seen as cheesy or generic, the only time I really felt it was strange was in V’s endings. The Normal ending was didn’t wrap up a lot of things, which you would expect from just a small ending (it was cute, though!!), but the Good ending didn’t really answer my more pressing questions that I had, and the one thing I was annoyingly upset about didn’t get resolved at all, so that kind of bummed me out. I think if you’re a huge fan of V, though, the ending would be good for you! Just the way the wrapped up the route was weird, but since the afterend isn’t out, there’s still a chance of some of my questions being answered in that department!

I’m trying to think of some things that really struck a negative cord in me, but besides what I’ve said, I’ve still really enjoyed this route. I’m upset about Saeran, of course, since he was a bigger fave than V for me, but... It’s not unusual for cults to have members commit suicide. I was moreso expecting a mass suicide, instead of Saeran having to blow up the building and just letting himself die in there rather than escaping like the plan seemed to have been, but...Saeran didn’t have anyone. He didn’t have us, Rika had left and was obsessing more obviously over V, and Mint Eye was in shambles and he was told to blow it up to get rid of the evidence surrounding it. I just really wish V told Seven. c h r i s t.

Regardless, I did enjoy this route. I can’t wait to worm my way through the bad ends, replay it for things I possibly missed before, and to hopefully crank out a few fics for it! Haha, I already have one in my drafts! I wish I could think of some more things to say, but off the top of my head these are just my general thoughts on the route!

Please keep in mind: This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

#scum talks #new route spoilers

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nevinitambay-blog · 8 years ago

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Close Reading *The Silenced* (2015), or: What doesn’t kill you might still kill you later.

Hey, everyone! I hope you all had a good week investigating the virtues of suspenseful storytelling, or, at least, a good week of writing some tasty red herrings! This week, I’m in the mood for doing a close reading of a dystopia, so I searched Netflix and came up with the film The Silenced. From the beginning credits, I think this is a Korean film, but I’m not sure, and I don’t want to go spoiling the movie for myself by looking it up. Be that as it is, if I make any cultural misinterpretations, feel free to correct me in the comments. Also, keep in mind that, as writers, we are responsible artisans who can create stories while being cognizant of their potential interpretations from various audiences. More plainly: we can write stories that anticipate varying interpretations from different audiences. (I’d actually like to see a text that is addressed equally to two or more different cultures with the expectation of two different interpretations. That’d be some potentially prize-winning writing, in my opinion.) Let’s begin!

Alright, I’ve gotten about ten minutes into the film and it is apparent that I’m missing a lot of meaningful signals, so I’m just going to embrace it and do an American reading of the film. Again, if I make a mistake or miss something important, please let me know.

Right out of the gate, we are getting some classic horror and dystopia signals in the film. The first signal is the distance from civilization: the car is traveling through a heavily wooded area to a gated building that is completely surrounded by nature (as opposed to other houses or a city). This signal is important in horror, because it usually indicates that outside help will not be an option for our protagonist. This also hints that our protagonist will need to escape something over the course of the film. The gated entrance reinforces the isolation signals with the implication that escaping will be difficult (i.e. actively impeded/prevented). Finally, on the horror side, we see that the building is a “sanitorium” which evokes both a hospital and an insane asylum. Hospitals are scary, because they are places of death, and places where a certain group (doctors and nurses) holds power over most others (patients). Asylums are scary, because being diagnosed as crazy often renders a person subhuman in regular society, people have been falsely imprisoned in asylums throughout history, and it is a magnified hospital problem where the patients have fewer means of fighting back against mistreatment.

The dehumanization associated with actual or alleged mental illness is also a prevalent signal in dystopian fiction, but it isn’t usually used on the protagonist so early. In a dystopia, mental illness is usually used to discredit people who notice that their society is a dystopia or people who drop from government service with knowledge of the same. However, in this film, it is used on the apparent main character, thus obfuscating whether or not she is a reliable narrator (since this movie is in close third person point of view) in the first place. Instead of the narrator being discredited in the story (which is common in dystopia narratives), she is discredited outside of it (which is common in horror narratives).

We get a more solidly dystopic signal when one girl tells another that she doesn’t like that there will be a new owner for the vacant bed at the end of the row. This implies that there was a previous owner of the bed who is now being replaced. This sort of exchangeability between people is common in dystopias where bodies are more important than individuals and worth no more than a payment from a wealthy family or the government. This reduction of the value of a person to dollar signs, productive output, etc. dehumanizes the person, which is a very dystopic thing to do.

While on the topic of dehumanization, there are a few more things that happen to the protagonist that fall squarely under “dystopian”:

1. All of her belongings are taken away due to “regulation”. (In a society that allowed for personal belongings, having them taken away is dehumanizing. This is a classic transition-to-dystopia move.)

2. She is struck on the face and ordered to behave. (She is being punished for not complying with a rule that makes little sense due to the first point.)

3. She is made to wear a uniform and her hair a certain way. (This erases the individual wearing the uniform.)

4. She is expected to write in a journal and hand it in each day (presumably to be read by the headmistress or the nurses). (Bad governments tend to surveil their citizens to ensure compliance.)

5. She is expected to contribute to an embroidery project that will be sent to Japan in exchange for increased chances of traveling to Tokyo (for an undisclosed reason). (The incentivization of pleasing overlords is used here to control the interaction between the rulers and the ruled; people don’t think about rebelling when they are directly focused on working towards a specific reward.)

6. She was assigned a new name.

As the movie continues along to the disturbing scene with the bloody apparition, I’m beginning to think that this film isn’t really a dystopian fiction. The notes are still there, but they seem to be more about the relation between the school in Korea and Japan than the relation between the girls and the school. Since the dystopic elements aren’t directly driving the story at this point, I’m going to treat the remainder of the film as a horror narrative.

Just as I say that, Shizuko shows some superhuman strength and abilities, and is taken to a secluded room by the doctor where she is strapped to a chair. Going back to dystopia, then, we have the arrival of a person in a military uniform, which indicates that this is some sort of military experiment. Soon after Kazue remembers what happened to the previous Shizuko, it is revealed that the military person was at the school because the doctor was not following her instructions about administering an experimental drug.

Now that we know for sure that this film is a dystopian horror story, it is time to take what we know in order to figure out what criticism or warning it is trying to convey. First, we have a school of sick girls who are taken under the pretext of being cared for until they are well again. Second, the sick girls are being experimented on with a drug intended to turn them into super-soldiers. Third, the experiment is being carried out for the Japanese military in the 1930s (so it might have something to do with World War II). Fourth, the head doctor was replaced by her lieutenant at the first sign of her resistance to the military man’s brutality towards the girls. Concentrating all this down to the simplest parts we have:

· the devaluation of the sick to the point of using them in human experiments without their knowledge and against their will

· the devaluation of the young ‘’

· the devaluation of girls ‘’

· the devaluation of Koreans ‘’

· the ruthlessness of imperialism

· the ruthlessness of the military

· the betrayal of allies

Without knowing much more, this story seems to be a warning about the continued military relationship between South Korea and the United States. Unfortunately, without more cultural context, I can’t really tell how accurate this guess is. Due to the treatment of sick young Korean girls, it seems the film is criticizing racist treatment of Koreans by the American military. Due to the doctor sacrificing young girls for her career, and the doctor being replaced by her assistant, it seems the film is criticizing the self-serving betrayal of vulnerable groups of Koreans by not-as-vulnerable groups. I’ll have to ask around /r/South_Korea to see what they think.

I’d like to take a moment to point out how this is a great example of a dystopia, as opposed to the shadow governments popular in American youth fiction at the moment. The government isn’t bothering with a sorting ceremony that tells you what your career is going to be; it is ruthlessly and aggressively trying to create super-soldiers. There is no individual choice or freedom. There is no privacy. There are no forced professions. There are no patrols. This series of events was not the result of misguided choices for the greater good, or a situation with good intentions that just got out of hand, or an attempt to preserve humanity as a species. This was the ruthless pursuit of military power. Remember that dystopia fiction is always a commentary on some existing practice, policy, or culture that is detrimental or wrong, not some wishy-washy thing that results from trying to do good things, but sucking at it.

Now that that is out of my system, one thing that I found particularly interesting about this film in terms of storytelling is that it is set in the past, not the future (like most other dystopian fiction). It makes sense for dystopias to be a near future problem, but to have already been a problem is fascinating in that it recognizes that the fate depicted in the film was a distinct possibility, thereby showing that the behaviors being warned about are reoccurring. It indicates something that American fiction tends to lack: that people from the past also made dystopia-causing mistakes. It is interesting to think of history in terms of narrow misses instead of successful avoidance.

This movie really was good, but I could have lived without the jump scares. Now I’m dead. It’s true! This whole article was written by me, a spoooooooky ghost! Happy writing!

What did you think of this week’s movie? Did you find a new technique for storytelling in it? Do you have questions for me? Is there a movie you would like me to write about? Let me know in the comments, tweet me (https://twitter.com/NeviniTambay), message me through Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/nevini.tambay), message me through Google+ (https://plus.google.com/u/1/104262718026029613816), or shoot me an email ([email protected])! I look forward to hearing from you! I post new articles on Wednesdays. Please remember to upvote, like, subscribe, and/or follow me on other social media if you find these articles useful and want to see more!

#The Silenced #writing tips #writing advice #reading advice #close reading

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