#also I just realised may had 31 days lmao

[ocyus-stuff]

Cove holden for the last day of mermay :D

A real sea prince under the sea ✨👑

[hhuta]

every day i think about how they changed the le bien qui fait mal and l'assasinphonie choreography so salieri wasn't dancing close with sexy half naked men. do we know why. i have tried and failed to pinpoint an exact time. i feel like im going insane. they no homoed a dance

anon.. i think about that daily too... im so happy someone else loves the original choreos like i do 😭 it took me a while to reply cuz i was on a mission to answer ur questions as best as i could. so... finally... here is what i found out:

first of all if u wanna read my rant about the changes, in general, here are the posts about le bien qui fait mal and l'assasymphonie

second of all "do we know why" is a good question. meaning i dont have an answer dlkjaskl i just now started to learn french so if they ever talked about it in a video, or something... i missed it. so right away im telling u that i can only offer my guesses.

///

starting with LE BIEN QUI FAIT MAL, as i said in that post i linked, i tried to figure out whether they only degayed it for the 2011 proshot or not and i found out that no, the changes were also present in live performances.

then an anon told me massimiliano (the dancer who manhandles salieri) couldnt be at the 2011 proshot recording. i checked the video and he really wasnt there at all, but that still doesnt fully explain things, bc as u will see from my extensive, very professional research, unlike in the 2011 proshot, in live 2011 shows massimiliano was there, performing, in other parts of the musical. just not during lbqfm. i know he is an irreplaceable icon, so much that i couldnt find a single video where he wasnt the one manhandling salieri (even tho other dancers, from other parts of the choreo, kept switching), but to me its now clear that that was not the case. they really just decided to change the choreo.

so now lets see how it all progressed

for that its helpful to know the dates of mor performances. based on that i was insane enough to watch as many videos as i could to try to pinpoint when the choreo changed. except it wasnt that simple. i quickly found out that a loootttttt of other changes happened before that major one, before massimiliano left. so here it is

THE LBQFM CHOREO CHANGES I NOTICED

03.01.2010 last PDS performance, still the original

6, 26 february 2010 original

11 march 2010 original (massimiliano's skirt fell off 😭)

20 march 2010 original

8 may 2010 original

9 may 2010 not so much the original anymore. this is the first change i've noticed. @1:28 originally its a male dancer who bends back salieri and then there are 2 men and 2 women who .. idk how to describe it, but do that push and pull motion. here one of the guys is not there

(10, 11, 12 no performances)

13, 15, 16 may 2010 now the other guy is gone too, only women left (but the dancer is not really gone. im pretty sure hes there, doing another thing next to them)

(cannot find a video from the 17th, that was the last performance in lyon)

performances at zenith de saint etienne begin at the 21st but i couldnt find a video from it

22 may 2010 original again (sidenote salieri is really unhinged here)

27 may 2010 change. female dancer who's usually interacting with salieri during the first verses isnt there, just massimiliano. not sure if its the same woman who calls him during the bridge and moves him thru the dancers but anyways shes also not there, he walks around alone. so when the Climax happens, again, only massimiliano is there grabbing him

31 may 2010 and 6, 10, 13 and 19 june 2010 another change. the female dancer is back, but during "j'adore l'avoir dans la peau" usually there are two dancers next to him mimicking playing a harp with their bodies but not this time

now the dates that matter the most i cant find a single videeooo 🤡 which are the performances in limoges (25, 26 and 27 june 2010) so all i can say is that

3 july 2010 is the first time i could find that massimiliano wasnt there. aka the degayed choreo. but i cant say if it is the first. also the original choreo for the "j'adore..." part is back again. thats the only performance they did in nancy and its also the last tour performance from 2010. a bunch of people were at the curtain call, even albert cohen was there, so its very weird that massimiliano was absent. im so mad i couldnt find those videos from late june bc all i got is just one video of him not being there, which makes me think he just couldnt be there so they had to change the choreo

9 november 2010 they are back in PDS and its the original again (also this is just for me but he still has the original cravat here. im trying to kill two birds with one stone)

2 december 2010 original (salieris beautiful cravat is gone 😔but this is one of my fave videos)

5, 11 december 2010 still the original

12 december 2010 changes again 😭 "j'adore..." harp dancers are gone again

14 december 2010 they are back <3 (funny video bc mikelangelo forgets to give florent the score)

18 december 2010 NOW HERE ITS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. a little change. massimiliano is there at the beginning, he drags salieri around but then hes gone before the first verse starts! and he doesnt come back !!! harp dancers are still there tho lmao

19 december 2010 massimiliano is fully gone 🎻 yamin even replaced him during la mascarade, like it happens in the 2011 proshot. i think since this date this change became the standard for a while, before they went back to the original. in the meantime, im guessing its when they shot the 2011 proshot

26 december 2010 still just the female dancer

4, 8 january 2011 still just the female dancer

9 january 2011 still just the female dancer but because it was the last performance in paris, before going on tour again, she has a whip for funsies. also they added, at the end, 2 female dancers sorta removing and quickly putting back salieris coat

28 january 2011 first tour performance, still just the female dancers. and i was not paying attention to this before, but i noticed for the first time in this video the 2 women dancing together, like they show for 2 seconds in the 2011 proshot. lesbian rights <3 i dont think it was part of the original choreo? its hard to tell exactly when they added that bc people usually record salieri, not the dancers, and hes not next to them when it happens (its before the bridge)

4, 5, 6 february 2011 still just the female dancer. but unlike before, this time (but idk exactly when it began) massimiliano was there for other parts of the show; yamin and other people didnt replace him (on the 4th: im pretty sure hes present in l'assasymphonie) (on the 5th: hes in la mascarade, le trublion, etc)

so. they really just changed it. massimiliano not being able to perform wasnt the case. we have to accept that they made a mistake <333 ldkajslk

19, 20, 27 february 2011 the original is back

19, also 19, 20, 23, 26 march 2011 it changed a little again but massimiliano is still there. no one bends salieri back and just one guy and one woman do the push and pull motion. also i think around here they removed the two women dancing together? maybe i just cant see it

20 mai 2011 original back once again

01 april 2011 .................... clearly an aprils fools joke bc massimiliano is gone again. i randomly picked this date cuz i knew it would be cursed dlkjaslk.. also again salieri doesnt get bent back and just 2 dancers do the push and pull... u knOW IT !!! WE GET IT !!!!! ok but i love him dramatically sighing and falling on the floor at @2:58 hes doing the most to make up for the flavour that got lost

03.06.2011 original again

12.06.2011 just massimiliano, no female dancer. im obsessseedddd with this video fully bc of the things massimiliano does!! obsessed with his evil smile @0:48, obsessed with salieri forgetting to throw the score on the floor, so massimiliano grabs it from his hand and forces him to kneel and stand up again. can u tell im a massimilianator and the choreo without him has no chance to please me?

17.06.2011 back to the original again

now im gonna skip to the very last performance from this production bc im honestly tired lkdajskl

10 july 2011 its the original thank god

TL;DR: 19 december 2010 is when the degayed choreo became the standard for a bit and on 19 february 2011 the original returns.

im confident that watching all those videos in a short period of time gave me brain damage but .. anything for science <3

ANYWAYS i started to do this to figure out why they changed It only to realise they changed A Lot of other things throughout performances (some things i didnt even mention, like the dance the woman does next to salieri during the first verse changes a lot) and they kept going back and forth to the original choreo. i think i can safely say not a single part (involving salieri) remained the same throughout the whole thing (not even the bending him back part was always there. i could swear it would be but!! no!). my guess is maybe because a certain dancer took a break or maybe they just wanted to do something different

in conclusion i figured out the exact dates but i cant tell u why massimiliano wasnt part of lbqfm for a while. i couldnt even find people talking about it on forums but, again, maybe bc im not fluent in french. to me it was a big loss, the whole thing loses its spice, i obviously prefer the original by miles. no idea why they simply didnt chose someone to replace him bc the other dancers changed all the time.

maybe it was in florents contract that only massimiliano was allowed to manhandle him <3 dlkjaslk im half kidding bc who knows? maybe it was a legal thing, maybe massimiliano invented this part of the choreo and only He could do it 😭 but honestly. my real final guess is that they simply wanted to change things to make it New and Fresh. as we saw, massimiliano leaving wasnt the only lbqfm choreo change.

///

moving on to L'ASSASYMPHONIE thank god bc it will be a lot easier to pinpoint when they changed the choreo. i believe they changed it and never went back to the original </3 god knows why </333 so when i find the new one ill stop looking

03.01.2010 last performance from "season one", at PDS (before going on tour) and also the last time they used the original choreo bUT ! THERES A BONUS! MORE MEN !!! LKDJALKS they said we will degay it later but u can have more naked men as a goodbye gift <3 really caught me by surprise, its the first time i watched it. but u wanna know whats really weird? this blurry shaky video is the only one i can find?! i even had to scroll a lot on youtube to get to it... conspiracy theory dove is trying to hide the original choreo. but honestly it makes no sense bc it was a Special day..... i cant find it anywhereee not even outside youtube... this is a hate crime. this is offensive. this is the heresy salieri sings about in the song.

the only thing i found was another performance from the same day but i think its the morning or afternoon performance and not the very last one. its for sure different than the one i linked first. i dont think there are 100 men onstage but at least we can see he had black nails 🥰 anyways... if anyone knows a better shot video of the very last performance... let me know... im really upsetklfdjalsjdal I FEEL SOOOO ROBBED...

and im even more mad now, remembering that from now on we get this new choreo. it began on their first tour

04.02.2010 2010 tour begins, first time we see the new choreo

and i have absolutely no idea why they changed it. again, i never saw an explanation and i dont have a single guess. i cannot imagine why they thought the new one was better. if i have to say one nice thing about it is that i like the background, the moving curtain that kinda looks like flames. they should absolutely drop the stupid flashing lights and just leave that background for the Cool effect and bRING BACK..... THE HALF NAKED BLINDFOLDED MEN (HNBM) ...........  THEY CAN REPRESENT SO MUCCHHHHHH... I LOVE THEM....

thats all i got to say otherwise ill start repeating myself.. if u wanna read more about my opinions on the hnbm and why i prefer the original l'assasymphonie choreo its all in the second link of this post..

anyways big thanks to anyone who read this, hope u enjoy all those videos. even with the dagayed choreos, florent and the dancers always deliver amazing performances. so, regardless, its a good time to watch them. lastly if anything is wrong, if i put down the wrong date or something, my bad, but it was .. a lot.. to go through, so if anyone sees a mistake let me know !

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

My favorite Violetta episodes

I thought it would be fitting now when i'm done with my rewatch.

Season 1

Episode 7 - When I first saw Violetta back in the days, this was the episode that got me hooked with the show. Juntos somos mas was iconic.

Episode 26 - The first pyjama party! So sweet!

Episode 35 - I have always loved how everyone reacts to Leonetta being a couple, plus how Leonetta is in the just-gotten-together-phase. Plus, Germán finding out and legit gets a heart attack always gets me.

Episode 55 - When the kids has ENOUGH of Gregorio and just goes out and perform stuff on stage. BRACO JUST KNOWS PEOPLE WHO HAS A STAGE READY AND CAMILA JUST... TEXTED SOME TV COMPANY TO BE THERE TO AIR THEM ON TV I- it's so nice to see them work together

Episode 72 - FINALLY Angie’s secret is out and they can be the best aunt/niece in the world

Episode 80 - Always get emotional when I watch Vilu saying goodbye to her friends, Germán realising her talent, seeing her on stage, etc... 💜💜

Season 2

Episode 1 - It may be because I saw this in the cinema as a ”sneak peek” for the new season. And what a season it was! From the first line of the episode to everything... I love it

Episode 2 - This is simply because of the kareoke bar. I laughed so damn much when I watched their shennanigans in the kareoke bar.

Episode 6 - I love how Diego is starting to become like a stalker, but we don’t know how far he’ll go. Also Fran almost kissed Violetta, so it’s a good episode

Episode 15 - I love how Leon and Violetta just skip school to go on a romantic date.

Episode 25 - THEM VIBING AT THE PARTY is so nice. I have complicated feelings towards Cami/Maxi but they are cute there. Also Ludmila? Have no schemes. Just vibes with Naty.

Episode 33 - Two things: 1, Codigo Amistad is here and it’s my favorite song from the show. 2, it’s a franletta story. Everyone is having fun at Fran’s party except Fran, who just wants Vilu there. Vilu just wants to go, but has to work. Codigo Amistad - Code Friendship. This is the theme for the episode.

Episode 40 - The best show they’ve had? On beat is a bop, Peligrosamente bellas is just Luty the musical and Como Quieres is a bisexual anthem (like for real, the bi colors are in the back) and Cami and Fran playing guitar in THOSE outfits while Violetta sings on a fucking diamond? Hello ;)

Episode 42 - I just love the code of friendship trio trying to hide the fact that Violetta has lost her voice and they also have the cutest pyjama party

Episode 51 - I ALWAYS GET EMOTIONAL WHEN FRANCESCA LEAVES EVEN IF I KNOW SHE’LL BE BACK IN THE END

Episode 57 - I just like the little plot of Naty breaking her arm and them trying to solve it quickly. It’s very simple but I like it

Episode 72 - The start of the Madrid storyline ❤️❤️ I love franletta getting lost and I love them in Madrid

Episode 75 - The most iconic ending, I always get so emotional seeing Violetta crying on stage and Leon saving her

Episode 80 - Another ending that made me emotional. Violetta is more or less depressed, which makes it all more powerful when she goes out and sings Soy Mi Mejor Momento

Season 3

Episode 10 - Mostly because Naty and Cami’s new friendship. Ok, they have had a friendship before, but this is on another level. Plus, I love their performances on Art Rebel

Episode 31 - Them dancing at the wedding (especially seeing characters dancing in the background), everyone’s conversations... Everything can happen at a wedding. Also Ludmila and Violetta’s shower argument lol

Episode 35 - I love the concept of the ”moving show”, it’s really cool! It’s sad Milton tries to ruin everything, fucking hate him

Episode 41 - Only for the sleepover. I love how Francesca moans Diego’s name in her sleep and occasionally sings, and neither Cami or Vilu did anything about it for half an hour. I also love how Violetta doesn’t question Francesca saying Diego’s name - she’s too tired to question it lmao. Also them waking up Ludmila lmao

Episode 43 - Priscila has thrown away Violetta’s diary like the bitch she is, and Ludmila and Violetta become closer when Ludmila returns it. Also Naty randomly jumps down on the floor and hides behind a couch.

Episode 60 - I love the show they put on! It’s not my favorite songs but it’s nice

Episode 64 - Leonetta being such dorks thinking they can just be friends and no one believes them. Also Naty literally faints when Ludmila hugs her

Episode 69 - Everyone now knows what kind of psycho Priscila is, FINALLY

Episode 73 - Not because of the plot, but because Maxi is stuck in chair and that makes the entire episode it’s so funny and bisarre. Like it’s honestly Glee levels of chaos

Episode 77 - FINAL EPISODE OF PRISCILA, SHE IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN. LUDMILA AND VIOLETTA HAVE THE CUTEST SISTER SCENE. CAMILA AND NATY MOST LIKELY KISSED OFF SCREEN. 10/10

Episode 80 - Not as emotional as s1 and 2. Here, everyone is happy all episode and it’s only good vibes. That’s fun, too! Good final episode on this chaotic TV show

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[kingsmakers]

Evens for Cass and Odds for Phoenix 😈

Ooh this is long so:

Phoenix Black

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Phoenix is obviously from a big family, so yeah she has both her brothers and also her cousins (almost all of which are older than her). She’s closest with Regulus, as they share very similar views. Her twin is probably a little more prejudiced than Phoenix. As a child she was often the glue between Regulus and Sirius, as she’s got a positive relationship with both of her brothers.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Orion is a fairly distant presence emotionally. He’s an Unspeakable for the Department of Mysteries, so he works long hours and isn’t allowed to talk about his work. Although not as abusive to his kids as Walburga, he’s never intervened on their behalf. She and her father both have depression though, which is something that comes to light more later during Phoenix’s story.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Her wand ALWAYS, probably some treats for her cat Saturn, a bunch of hair pins and hair ties just in case her hair gets too unruly.

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

There’s a lot of death in Phoenix’s nightmares, which makes sense really because of the First Wizarding War and all.

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

I think it’s similar. Phoenix has grown up privileged and she’s never wanted for anything, her family is very wealthy. I will say that as an adult, she has more of an appreciation of hard work and having to earn things. Nonetheless she does inherit a fair bit of money, so even if she didn’t work, she’d always be comfortable.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Directly following Evan Rosier’s death. I can’t say too much without spoiling, but Phoenix did unknowingly have a hand in his and Wilkes’ ultimate fates. She also understands why Regulus wanted out, and knows she has to go to protect herself and baby Cass. So she’s terrified that Death Eaters will hunt her down and murder her.

13. Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Phoenix is completely unperturbed by blood. As she’d put it, girls see more than boys anyway.

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

I think she is despite her best efforts not to be. Much of Phoenix’s young life was dominated by the idea of status, and how flaunting your wealth was the best way to achieve that. She becomes better as an adult, especially as Remus is not very comfortable with flaunting money due to his vastly different financial upbringing.

17. What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

I think as she’s a pure-blood it’s a bit hard to tell what toys she had, but she probably would have loved all of them.

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

I would definitely say that, when she’s younger, it’s her tendency to think too much about other people’s opinions and how things look. It definitely ruined her relationship with Remus while they were still at Hogwarts - she placed too much faith in people’s perspectives on it, and it was what led her to break up with him.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

I think Phoenix is quite self-destructive, so I think she would often blame herself, or at least question how active a role she had in the tragedy that occurred. She’d wonder what she could do differently. However, when there’s blame to be placed on others, she would certainly put it there.

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

Phoenix is not a fan of others who go out of their way to be cruel or unkind to others for no reason. Ironic, considering she’s a Slytherin and in a very pro-Voldemort circle, but it’s part of what pushes her to want to get out.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Phoenix definitely turns a blind eye to those she’s closest with, it’s a big flaw of hers. However, she can be somewhat paranoid and suspicious of others, and when she’s got an idea in her head, it’s hard to convince her otherwise.

27. How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Phoenix isn’t a very confrontational person, but she does believe in sorting out problems rather than letting them fester. I think she would approach the conflict with the knowledge of what she wants to say, and an idea of what the outcome would be.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

As a kid, Phoenix really wanted to be an Auror. Unfortunately after her husband was killed by them, it crushed that for her. After that, she was a bit disillusioned with the Ministry, though she knew working for them would be a nice paycheck.

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

With Remus and her kids. After the war, she just wants to settle down in a modest home with them and live a peaceful existence. Phoenix has a lot of trauma packed into the space of a few short years, so I think she’s done with eventful after all of that.

33. In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

Phoenix can get very defensive, and is prone to tears when she’s called out. She doesn’t handle criticism well, and it’s something she’s well aware of and is working to change.

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

Phoenix is naturally an extrovert, and that really shines around people she likes. She’s friendly, bubbly and eager to include and be included. Phoenix is the sort of person who, when she’s at her best, you’d really want to be friends with. She does have a sunny personality when she’s in a good mood.

37. Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Originally it would be protecting her status, but that would definitely change later on.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

Lmaoooo does Remus count? ;)

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Phoenix at first feels she deserves to have what she wants, but it’s only as she gets older that she realises she has to work for it and earn it, and she finds it feels better to her that way.

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

I wouldn’t say a ‘dependent’ but she does have an interesting relationship with Harry. She’s sort of that aunt figure to him, as both Sirius’s sister and Remus’s wife.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

Phoenix isn’t entirely sure that what happens after she dies, but she thinks there might be some sort of afterlife, and it comforts her a little knowing she’ll be reunited with people like her twin.

Cassiopeia Rosier

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Cass gets along quite well with her mum. Phoenix was only young when Cass was born, so she’s a fairly young mum, and they have some similar characteristics. She’s also the only biological parent of Cass’s still alive, so I think Cass relies on her a bit for information about what her dad was like.

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

I definitely think Cass witnesses a lot during the Second Wizarding War. This is a maybe, but I considered that Cass suspects something is up when Harry is led away with ‘Moody’, and stumbles upon him having changed into Crouch. However, the professors arrive before he can attack her.

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

I think Cass dreams about her dad a lot, what he’d be like, how he’d act toward her etc. She adores Remus, but she also wonders about her biological father for sure.

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope, she has not.

10. Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

Cass is quite body confident so I think some of the clothing she wears is a little more on the revealing side. I mean, Fred ain’t complaining.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

I think this was during her younger half-brother, Orion Lupin’s, venture to Hogwarts. He was really stressed about where he would be sorted and what it would mean and Cass was like “lmao doesn’t matter”.

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?

I would say faces.

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

A bit of both ideally, but if she had to choose, she would say happiness.

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Wisdom, the little goddamn Ravenclaw.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Cass is a bit of an overachiever, so she’s likely to compare her grades and results to those of others. She sometimes feels that if she’s not the best, then what’s the point?

22. What does your character like in other people?

Genuineness, and the ability to make her laugh.

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Not very. Cass is not a trusting person, and she keeps herself guarded.

26. How does your character behave around children?

Cass is an oldest child and her youngest brother is 14 years younger than her, so she’s pretty good with kids.

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Cass isn’t a physically violent person, and she would only lash out if someone had done so to her first.

30. What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Arrogance. Something she does see a lot in other Ravenclaws. Also people thinking they’re ‘above’ others. She’s a pure-blood herself but sees no need to be a supremacist about it.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

Being compared to Death Eater daddy in a negative way. She knows her dad did some awful things, and there’s no denying she’s like him in some ways, but she never wants to come across as cruel or malicious.

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

She would move on to a different method. Cass is constantly changing her methods.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Civil, but indifferent. She will make conversation if she has to, but it won’t be anything more than small talk. She’s not outright rude but she’s not going to push it.

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

I think she would remove herself from the problem or threat. She finds taking a step back gives her more space to think.

40. How does your character treat people in service jobs?

Polite. Not quite kind, but she would always at least attempt to be friendly.

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Remus maybe but he’s her stepdad so? Other than that, I think she has Molly Weasley, who utterly adores her.

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

She finds it hard. Cass knows that she’s a product of basically an arranged marriage, so it’s not something she throws around lately. It’s a big thing for her to say.

[mageicalwishes]

A Smashing Summer - Chapter 3

Read on AO3: here

Read the previous chapter (On Tumblr): here

Summary: “I’m egging your house for a dare, but you’re parent is a cop and now they’re yelling at me, so I told them you were my ex and you wronged me, and now you’re coming outside, so please just go along with this, I really don’t want to go to jail” AU When Simon Snow agreed to egg some posho’s house, he never thought he’d find himself here - The only thing standing between himself and a criminal charge, the word of a handsome stranger.

Chapter: 3/?

Words: 1,694

Simon

I slide down against the sofa, pulling my phone out of my pocket, with a smile.

ME (19:57): Hey, hey, hey, Bazaroo!

ME (19:57): I’m super glad you liked the scones! They’re my absolute faveee

ME (19:57): I’ll bring enough to share next time :)

ME (19:58): How are you today?

To my delight, my phone buzzes with a response, almost immediately.

BP (19:58): If you ever call me that again, I will block your number. I’m not even joking.

BP (19:58): And, I’m pretty good, thanks. Yourself?

ME (19:59): Aw :( Imma just have to keep trying different names till I find one you like, then :p

ME (19:59): I’m great! Had a pretty good day today :)

ME (20:00): Sorry I didn’t message earlier btw - It’s been a busy day! Me and the lads went into town and played some footie, and then I had to do some dumb history essay (Idk who told my history teacher she could set homework in the holidays, but I wanna fight them!)

ME (20:00): I fucking despise the Tudors. I mean, why the fuck would I care about socio-economic policies from like a million years ago! Grrrr!

BP (20:01): No worries, Snow. I understand.

BP (20:01): That is unfortunate - But, you got lucky with the Tudors, to be honest. I’d rather that, than the bloody Industrial Revolution. That is mind-numbingly dull!

BP (20:02): But, I hate to break it to you - If you think the Tudor dynasty was a million years ago, then maybe you should reconsider your subject choice. You’ll definitely fail the A-level, if that’s your level of understanding.

ME (20:03): Aha trueee. Sucks to be you :p

ME (20:03): And stfu!! I know it wasn’t actually a million years ago, you tosser! I was BEING dramatic - You should've realised, you know ALL about that, Mr. Roll-your-eyes-every-two-fucking-seconds.

BP (20:04): I’m unconvinced.

Stupidly, I scoff aloud - Drawing Nathan’s attention away from the television and over to me. He stands, trudging over, and plopping down onto the sofa besides me.

I groan, frustrated.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing. Nothing … Just wondering who you’re texting,” he drawls, the mocking amusement clear in his tone. “Got yourself a new girlfriend, or something?”

“No! I’m just talking to Penny,” I defend, my voice rising suspiciously. Fuck. I’m such a crap liar.

“You know, I know you’re lying, right?”

“Obviously,” I drone. “Just … Butt out of it, though, yeah? Please.”

“Alright, alright” he laughs, throwing his hands up in a mock surrender. “I’ll leave you be. But, if you wanna keep your little buddy a secret - I’d advise against laughing at their messages in the bloody common room, you divvy.”

“Noted,” I sigh, turning towards the door. “Don’t tell Josh though, yeah?”

“Sure, Simon. If that’s what you want, your secret is safe with me.”

“Cheers, mate.” I smile. “You’re the best.”

“I know, I know. I’m amazing. Just go and text them, you mug!”

I do (Obviously). Quickly jogging upstairs, and locking myself in the bathroom - Where I’m safely hidden from prying eyes. Laying myself down in the bathtub, I hammer out a reply, sending it off Baz immediately.

ME (20:13): Whatever, dickhead!!

ME (20:13): Also soz I didn’t answer. Nathan was being nosy lol.

ME (20:13): Anyway … You been up to much today?

Baz

Just as I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be receiving a response, my phone buzzes loudly against my bedside table - My chest swelling pathetically, as I reach out and grab it.

Typing out a response, I find myself smiling - Unbridled joy melting away my impassive neutrality.

ME (20:14): No worries, Snow. It’s not as though I’m just sitting here, desperately awaiting your every response. I do have a life outside of you, you know.

That's not exactly true ... But, he doesn’t need to know that.

ME (20:14): And, no, not really. I’ve mostly just been reading. I did try to teach Mordelia how to play chess, though - Which was fairly disastrous.

SS (20:15): Lol! Sounds good :)

SS (20:15): Who is Mordelia, though?

SS (20:15): Is that your girlfriend?

I stare at my phone, blankly - Trying to formulate a response.

ME (20:17): Seriously?

Barely a second after I've send it, my phone starts buzzing furiously - Message after message, pouring in.

SS (20:17): What?

SS (20:17): That’s a perfectly valid question!

SS (20:17): You haven’t mentioned anyone called Mordelia, I swear to God!

SS (20:18): I’d remember, for sure.

SS (20:18): It’s not exactly a common name

ME (20:19): I know that, Snow. I was referring to the girlfriend question!

ME (20:19): I thought that we had already established that, a girlfriend isn’t exactly on the cards for me - Given the whole fake ex-boyfriend situation.

SS (20:20): Bi people exist, you moron!

SS (20:20): I’m Bi. Lol.

SS (20:20): I didn’t wanna assume you were only into guys … Or that you were even really into them at all.

SS (20:21): You totally could’ve been Bi!

SS (20:21): Or straight! The whole ex-boyfriend thing was a lie, remember? - You could’ve just been a straight bro, pretending to be into dudes, to help me out.

SS (20:22): It aint a dumb question, really. So … Don’t be annoying!!

Oh. Okay.

Newly nervous, I begin typing out my response - Ensuring that I sound perfectly unphased.  

ME (20:22): Christ, Snow! You seriously have to stop sending so many texts in a row. My phone is going to have a meltdown, if you keep it up.

Hesitating slightly, I continue.

ME (20:23): But, you’re right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make it to sound as though Gay and Straight were the only options. I could’ve been Bi … Or Straight, I suppose. But, to clarify - I’m definitely not. I’m gay.

ME (20:24): I guess that - Where I’ve known since I was eleven, and I stopped trying to hide it a while ago now, I sort of forget that it isn’t immediately apparent to everybody else. Everyone in my Family knows. Everyone at College, too. So, I just, sort of, forget that I can still be perceived as anything other than what I actually am.

SS (20:26): Hush you! I like multiple texts!! It’s easier to keep my track of my thoughts, like that. If I try to put it all in one text, I forget what I wanna say.

SS (20:26): And dw about it, it’s chill! I know you didn’t mean it like that, I was just teasing :)

SS (20:27): I get what you mean tho. Coming out was so scary … But now I sort of forget that not everybody knows. I just like to assume they do lol. It’s stopped being such a big thing, now that I can just, like, relax about it.

Unsure of how to respond, I type out a simple …

ME (20:28): Yeah.

SS (20:28): Yeah :)

SS (20:28): Seriously, tho. Who is Mordelia? You never actually answered me lol.

ME (20:29): She’s my little sister.

SS (20:30): Oh lol! That’s crazy! I didn’t think you had a sibling.

SS (20:30): You don’t give off doting big brother vibes.

SS (20:31): More like … Spoiled only child, ones. LOL! :D

SS (20:31): Is she your only sibling?

Unable to help myself, I chuckle, quietly.  

ME (20:32): Very funny, Snow. But I never said I was doting! I may be their brother, but I still have standards.

ME (20:33): And, no (Unfortunately). I have three more - Two sisters, and a brother. They’re my step-siblings technically, though. And they’re quite a bit younger than me. So, I was an only child for quite a long time.

SS (20:33): Cool!

SS (20:34): Do they all have stupidly posh names, too?

SS (20:34): And, do you like having siblings?

SS (20:35): I always wanted a brother, when I was little!

ME (20:36): Yes. Unfortunately, my family are incapable of picking normal names.

ME (20:37): And, yes. Most of the time, anyway. It’s nice to always have somebody to talk to - Or to play with (Although, I think I would’ve appreciated that more, if the age-gap wasn’t quite so wide). But, they do drive me up the wall, sometimes! Mordelia has taken to drawing all over my revision notes, recently - I’m sure you can imagine how I felt about that!

SS (20:40): Aw, yeah. That sounds nice!

SS (20:40): LMAO! THAT’S HILARIOUS! I feel bad for her tho … I’d hate to have your wrath turned on me! You'd probs make me cry lol.

ME (20:41): Yes, well. Despite what you think - My wrath was, evidently, not strong enough! She’s still bloody doing it!

SS (20:43): Aha lol! I like her! She sounds as stubborn as you.

————————————————————————————

A soft rap on the door, disturbs me from my conversation with Snow.

“Baz, Honey? Are you in there?” Daphne calls, her voice sweet and cautious.

“Yeah? You can open the door. It’s fine - I’m decent.”

“Okay,” she hums, pushing the door open slightly, and peeping her head in. “I just wanted to let you know that I'm about to start plating up dinner.”

“Alright,” I smile. “Thank you. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Perfect. See you then,” she sings, turning and leaving the room.

Hastily, I rattle out a text to Snow.

ME (21:14): As much as I am enjoying this, I have to go now, Snow. Sorry.

SS (21:14): Aw :( How come?

ME (21:15): I’ve got to go and eat dinner.

SS (21:15): At nine ?!?

ME (21:16): Yes, Snow - At nine. I must compliment you on your time-telling abilities!  

ME (21:16): My Father insists that we eat dinner together as a family, but he was working late tonight … So, nine P.M steak it is.

SS (21:17): Aw fuck! You have steak! I’m well jel :(((

SS (21:17): But, okay, no worries! Hope you enjoy your dinner.

SS (21:18): TTYL :D

ME (21:18):  Will do! Talk to you later. Goodbye for now :)

[corgisocks]

85 questions

tagged by @ribenaflip 💞💕💖💗

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people

EDIT: as of 2019, this tag is like 20% irrelevant to what i’m like now....did it in 2017 so

— what was your last…

1. drink: water

2. phone call: it was me calling jojo’s phone so they could find it

3. text message: “I am having a major crisis”

4. song you listened to: coffee & tv by blur

5. you cried: that’s tmi but also saying it’s tmi is tmi and all of this is tmi so what am i DOING

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nooo

7. kissed someone and regretted it: yes i kissed a piece of toast and it got crumbs all over my face

8. been cheated on: if i have been that’d be concerning seeing as i’ve never not been single

9. lost someone special: not recently.

10. been depressed: 24 hours 7 days a week m8

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: what is an alcohol? (no)

— fave colours

12. vermilion 13. cerulean 14. very very dark grey

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: YEET (shoutout to the gc)

16. fallen out of love: i WISH (lmao it’s been 2 years please end me)

17. laughed until you cried: yea obvs

18. found out someone was talking about you: many times. many many many times.

19. met someone who has positively changed you: YES. my bestest buddy has and not in a bad way. i’m definitely a better and happier person because i met him

20. found out who your friends are: i never think about friendships in that kind of way. and if i did i probs wouldn’t care to be like ‘they were a shitty friend’ instead it’d just be like they were someone in my life and it sucks that they’re not/don’t want to be in a good way anymore but shit happens. and i don’t take it personally

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what is a face book because if it’s like a book of faces i kissed myself in the picture of my group of friends that is in my yearbook

— general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: again…what is a face book

23. do you have any pets: YEET

24. do you want to change your name: i mean idk i think i’d be cool with just usin a nickname for now i’ll figure the legal stuff out later

25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to my friend’s birthday party. spent almost all of it looking for one of the people who was invited with two of my bros. then i saw wonder woman, went to a reallyreally good korean bakery, and then went to the empire state building. and last but not least, the next day, my friends came over and we played clue and mariokart. all in all it was a 10/10 birthday tbh! (it was an anomaly though ngl my birthday this year is going to be infinitely more depressing)

26. what time did you wake up today: 5:30 am cos my school starts too fuckin early ;(

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: taking a shower

28. what is something you can’t wait for: plake’s upcoming single (it’s my fav and i’ve been wanting it in my library for m o n t h s so i’m 110% ready for it

30. what are you listening to right now: the sound of people talking

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: i was at an improv comedy show and of all people i was picked to volunteer and when i was on stage my shoe fell off and one of the comedians who was called tom was like 'your foot has been borne to the audience’

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: my own exhaustion!

33. most visited website: my school’s online gradebook 😬

34. hair colour: really dark brown (some people think it’s black but NO)

35. long or short hair: short...it will never be long again i assure you

36. do you have a crush on someone: yes ;(((

37a. what do you like about yourself: i may be an awful person atm but at least i can understand why i am the way i am and know how to improve

37b. what’s something you don’t like about yourself: too many things. rn though i don’t like how i come off as like a 'show-off’ when i’m trying to help people cos me trying to get them to like actually understand what they’re learning always sets em off even though it’d be worse to just do things my own confusing way and leave em in the dust. i also hate how i get frustrated with them (and myself tbh) when that happens

38. want any piercings: hecc no

39. blood type: i legit have no clue

40. nicknames: lou, coco

41. relationship status: what is a relation ship

42. sign: gemini

43. pronouns: he/they i GUESS

44. fave tv show: peppa pig tbh

45. tattoos: hecc no!

46. right or left handed: BOTH

47: ever had surgery: nope 😬

48. piercings: once again HECC NO

49. sport: used to do tennis and track. now i kind of just do a lil bit of everything for fun and i love biking and running

50. vacation: yes please. i need a vacation from LIFE

51. trainers: i’ve had the same old black nikes for three years and the same flip flops for five ;( (and i also have some black converse high-tops that i never wear unless i need to look 'nice’ whoops)

— more general

52. eating: i prefer raw foods to pretty much everything so poke bowls are my jam. i’m also a vegetarian who doesn’t eat fruit because what is self-care??

53. drinking: water. it’s important to stay hydrated

54. i’m about to watch: my surroundings that aren’t my phone

55. waiting for: this tag to be over. yikes

56. want: to pass english for ONE GODDAMN MARKING PERIOD before i graduate cos i haven’t since mp1 of ninth grade during which i got a 99 (now i have a 15 look how far i’ve come!!)

57. get married: i mean…

58. career: ah yes i’ll probably have one of those

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: y'all mean in relationships? no pref. generally speaking though i almost always hate both

60. lips or eyes: no pref

61. shorter or taller: no pref…

62. older or younger: i don’t think about any of this shit i am so confused!!

63. nice arms or stomach: what constitutes an arm or stomach being nice?

64. hookup or relationships: labels ew neither is good

65. troublemaker or hesitant: somehow i’m both. like i’m loud as fuck and kind of obnoxious and audacious but i also have 9.9/10 self-control. so like i would be cool with either type of person

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: i hope not

67. drank hard liquor: hecc no

68. turned someone down: i thought i was gonna have to but that never happened WHEW

69. sex on first date: what is this “sex” you speak of? what is a “date”?

70: broken someone’s heart: i hope not! except hearts are kinda squishy so like i probably haven’t

71. had your heart broken: no although my heart rate’s so high i fear it will explode one of these days

72. been arrested: so far, no

73. cried when someone died: :((( chris cornell. i was lookin up soundgarden on google to find tour dates near where my uncle lives and then i saw it and i was like 'no. nononono. nonononononononono.’ then i let one tear escape from the ducts in my eyes before going into denial river. (aren’t i so fuckin clever 😤😤😤)

i also cried during a tribute to chester bennington at a muse concert if that counts

74. fallen for a friend: once again ew labels but y'all should know by now that i HAVE and i’m STILL falling ;(

— do you believe in

75. yourself: i have no concept of anything in existence and this tag has made me realise that. whoops

76. miracles: i could ramble about this one but i don’t have the time

77. love at first sight: dunno, but i will say that when i met my best friend i knew i was going to love him from how he acted and what his sense of humour is like. he’s so unique really like you can TELL he’s his own person and he owns it without trying to

78. santa claus: yes but only cos i’m tryin to stay off the naughty list

79. angels: what is an angels

— misc

80. eye colour: this is a subject that has been widely debated so for now i’ll just say they’re either grey or green or both

81. best friend’s name: zeke

82. favourite movie: i have no concept of having a favorite movie unless it’s based on who it’s by so i’ll say my favorite pixar movie is wall-e for the sake of having something down for this question. otherwise it’s probs either memento or the imitation game.

83. favourite actor: myself 🤔

84. favourite cartoon: oh shit that’s too hard. my favs as a young child were tom and jerry and the first season of the pokémon anime and i guess my fav one that’s more 'mature’ is bojack horseman (although i’ve only seen half the first season lol)

85. favourite teacher’s name: my favorite is either nicole, hyungmin, rebecca, eileen, hayley, matt, kevin, or robert, but like…i hate picking cos that’s just unfair. so idrk

can’t tag rn but do this if you want to i guess

[aiyexayen]

cont'd (3/5)

@brigwife

OH NO I FORGOT ABOUT THE FUCKING

THE RED

HJLKHGLKSJDF

the fucking red trim. this is the next time we see any red on him outside of the shimmers of it in his tianchuang garb and i cannot. zhou zishu, you can tell me it's new year's all you want but you cannot escape the fact that it didn't need to be and you are still sitting here with red fucking trim on the deepest, richest, manor-lord blue with the fancy embroidery and fur and wide fucking bold shoulders.

this outfit is everything zhou zishu has worked to become this past year, everything he wants to be this next year, everything he keeps close to his chest, out on display and giving him strength as he steps out of those gates and sends an army of tianchuang agents stumbling backwards and flinching at his sheer presence.

i honestly think if wen kexing had been there to see that he would never be over it.

anyway, it's not my favourite, but i do like it. 10/10 would wear on a cold winter's day.

i've already reluctantly eliminated the tianchuang uniform that he changes into at this point, but i have not taken a look at this, which is in fact an entire outfit worth of discussion.

...how terrible would it be if i said this was my favourite outfit lmao.

all of this garbled rambling and it would turn out to be that time he was bundled up in some fabric to flee tianchuang's dungeon. i may be biased by this being my favourite scene--wen kexing kneeling to him. it's just so much.

okay he might look the precisely perfect amount of dishevelled and injured and sickly and a reprise of the messy hair and the drape of that cloth over his shoulders and the way he somehow manages to embody simultaneously a rescued damsel and the pinnacle of leadership and--like, it feels easier to be a leader and accrue following when you really look the part but to be able to pull off a scene of such intense fealty and to bear that responsibility so effortlessly and naturally while injured and wrapped in simple cloth because this authority is who you are and not what you do? this might all be true.

and he might look very, very, very good like this.

but i can't let that sway me too much. surely other outfits are still better. let me think about that and look at the last one.

ohhh. oh The Hairpin. yes. he wears it not nearly enough here but he does wear it so it counts. this is The Gray One. distressing. this is what is left when all the colour has been bled from his world. it's so good at what it does but in no possible way can it beat the other entries.

alright, alright, i have to pick one. i'm veto-ing the episode 31 kneeling-scene getup on principle, which puts me between shixiong blue and siji off-white. bah. i like them both too much for too many reasons. i refuse. they're both my favourite. with yueyang sun-basking in close third.

WEN KEXING IT IS NOW YOUR TURN.

i feel like i'm getting progressively more unhinged the longer i work on this so i'm a bit glad it's now time for my unhinged babie himself.

yes good. ghost-red: check. terrifying eyes: check. mad king vibes are here and we love them. what a good start.

immediately blown out of the water by his next outfit, though.

i am realising just how hard this is going to be. every single thing this man puts on is incredible. this outfit is so rich and full which is just not fair considering it's blindingly white. what a way to broadcast being a ghost and a blank slate at the same time, a dead boy returning to the world for the first time should surely garb himself in white but it also posits him as a mystery, an unstained gentleman with very little to go on, in such contrast to anything else he wears--none of his colours are present at all. his embroidery is, though.

this is so pretty. he really stands out. i love him.

and yet he only gets prettier again.

the red, creeping back in at his centre. the green, making an appearance of its own. it's got a pretty collar. it's got a very luxurious drapey vibe. i am in love with that particular shade of mint green. and while i default to "wen kexing = hairpins" in my head sometimes as one does, this particular guan makes me feral.

this whole outfit does, including the time he spends stripped down with a-xu.

i can't have time to claim it as top favourite because i already know the next one and how could that one not immediately beat this one out.

sudden rich deep teal green, bright red underneath, and that ruffled shoulder and that silhouette! just. just end me now. i even have feelings about this more toned-down guan he's gone for. look at this precious--this absolute love. look at what he's trying to become. full saturation, no longer an act.

he gets HUGGED in this outfit, okay. by a BABY. he goes on a PRECIOUS MARKET DATE and CALLS A-XU HIS ZHIJI and BASKS IN THE SUN and i am SOBBING ON THE FLOOR HOLD ON.

okay. okay. i'm going to move on.

oh right. fuck me. he really put on something that outstandingly blue on the inside, tangled up with the red, going back to draping *pale green* overtop it all? he really went and got a mimic of the hairpin i'm. i want to shake him i want to hold him tight i want to watch him threaten qin song again because that's one of the most unfairly hot things i will ever see in my whole life.

sir. SIR. you cannot simply take off the green, take off the belt, and sit there lounging in your bright blue and red, and expect me to be okay with anything ever again.

give me some of that jiu, damn.

i refuse for this to be favourite. sunbathing is better. bah.

part 4

The shiny link said to ask you things so here I am. What's ur fav outfits for each of WKX and ZZS?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING although this is a very difficult question, given how many thoughts and feelings i have about their outfits. i've never tried to boil it down to favourites, but i'm going to go on a small journey and see if i can do it.

(1/5)

zishu first. devastating intro.

this outfit makes me nostalgic for my first watchthrough. it's sexy, and i really like the way we see wenzhou both in red before anything else. but it lacks a kind of depth in the same way the unknown character does to us; it's a first impression. certainly a good one but just can't be my top favourite outfit.

his second tianchuang outfit is even better. it puts him in blue--his colour, siji shanzhuang's colour, even though it's draped in black and part of tianchuang right now. we get a lot of soul shattering emotions in this outfit as we start to learn who zhou zishu actually is, what he cares about, what he's built, who he's lost, what he is capable of doing. episode one kills me.

and then we also get a reprise of this outfit later, which is what really spikes its ranking up for me. the way he wears it subtly differently, coming full circle to finish this fight now that he's changed so much after the year he's lived. the way that blue he'd always carried with him, even into the heart of tianchuang, really stands out in stark contrast to jin-wang's red and gold.

beautiful. it's up there but doesn't quite get favourite.

and honourable mention of course are his other two we catch glimpses of in episode 1--brilliant shixiong blue accented in fUCKING green in his flashback as if he's remembering a time when he was still human, and his "i'm riding off to die now" cloak. these get NOTHING from me because i'm so sad.

moving on.

zhou zishu tries to become unobtrusive and unnoticeable and ordinary but instead he looks Like This:

and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair shoulder blades jawline in equal measure. especially wen kexing.

comfy, rugged, unapologetically blue. this outfit introduces the flask, introduces him to wen kexing and zhang chengling, and we have some good times with it. but it's simple, and dark, and so is his view of his remaining life right now, and that hurts a bit too much.

so, next is the outfit wen kexing gives him and he's briefly suspicious but he does wear it, deciding to trust wen kexing a bit and caving in a little to the concept of being something more than he'd planned. we're expanding to two shades of blue, too, very nice.

this outfit sees us through the epic fight with the beggar gang, the heartrending siji shanzhuang flashback, the LIPS ON SHOULDER and that's not even the only reason this outfit is a top contender to the title.

because more layers means the chance to take them off. and it must be discussed how much work the under layers do in this outfit.

look at this man revealing that there is indeed more to himself, letting himself be less guarded around wen kexing. look at his smile, his playfulness, and that fucking fairytale princess that has been hiding under so many masks, perfectly offset by that pretty pale blue and that soft hairstyle.

but i'm not sure i can commit to favourite.

pin in that one, i will keep going. so, this first yueyang outfit is just So Much.

the HAT, the DRAPE, the ZHIJI-ACKNOWLEDGING, the way that gray creeps in. zhou zishu has revealed his face and in doing so has decided not to hide, in more ways than one, as he says to han ying. he's decided to deal with his shit a bit and maybe live a bit better with the time he has left. he's becoming himself and it's so much.

and as if that wasn't enough, after their big fight when it all goes wrong, zhou zishu GOES BACK to wearing THIS outfit. "let's try this again." backing up, making up, re-centering in the last place that felt more himself and then setting back out again on the right foot.

and then he sits in the miDDLE of the STREET, outer robe HALFWAY OFF HIS SHOULDER in stark contrast to the structure of the breakup-outfit, and SAYS LAO WEN'S NAME. what am i supposed to do with that. what. WHAT.

i think this one comes extremely close to being my favourite, pin in this one, too.

speaking of the breakup-outfit.

it's so shimmery, suddenly full of so much structure and colour. zhou zishu, trying to reconcile who he's been with who he wishes he could be with who he doesn't want to see lao wen become, abruptly wrapping himself up in all these layers and trappings of a man that's a different kind of shield against the pain and it doesn't really make him any less lost in the end. but damn is it pretty. i can't really put my finger on it but something about his hair and that collar. and, of course, the blood. the declaration that nobody can stop him from killing who he wants and getting what he wants. hot damn.

however, comparing it to the two top contenders for the title right now, i don't think it beats either one.

[zapgraptrash]

character development questions: hard mode: slyger

1) Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with? he has 7 sisters and the closest one in age is 2 years younger than him and he no doubt has a fucktonne of cousins some of which would be around his age.

2) What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? he’s such a fucking mommy’s boy it’s hilarious. and he’ll straight up stab anyone who dares talk shit about her.

3) What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like? very similar to how grappler was with his dad, strained because his dad being pissed that his son isn’t Straight (or masculine at all)

4) Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know? when he tries to kill his abusive boyfriend he ends up accidentally killing his two best friends at the same time (burned boyfriend’s house down, friends were inside house at the time). he didn’t know if boyfriend died but he DID know the 2 friends died. granox knows about this

5) On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets? something that could be used to stab people. might not necessarily be an actual knife it could be a pen or bobby pin or something. he also probably has some money on him at all times just in case (and then at least 3 other secret stashes elsewhere)

6) Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams? falling from things and NOT landing on his feet

7) Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? not being able to escape from wherever. or asshole boyfriend mentioned above makes an appearance.

8) Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target? like with grappler, being trained in the platinum army he knows how to use a gun but prefers stabby weapons.

9) Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up? he was probably on the lower end of middle class, so he’s better off now than he was

10) Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing? more. he doesn’t even like to take his jacket off if he can help it.

11) In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? learning he was hiv+

12) In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? after being with granox for a while and finally realising he CAN be completely trusted.

13) Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way? he’s not very bothered unless it’s like, full on gore

14) Does your character remember names or faces easier? names

15) Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not? he is and he gets envious really easily so if someone else has something nice he HAS to go and get something BETTER (when grappler gets his car, slyger immediately goes and buys one he thinks is better)

16) Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success? happiness, his main goal in life is to stop being so angry and bitter and just fuckin be happy for once

17) What was your character’s favorite toy as a child? he had a stuffed toy cat named beanie. he still has it.

18) Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others? ambition, and it fuels his need to do better than everyone

19) What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? he went from too trusting to not trusting at all, so when he comes to sanctuary he is extremely paranoid and closed off. granox is the only person not considered a threat for a LONG time but even then he holds him at a distance.

20) In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism? he’s never really happy with himself so even though he thinks he HAS to try and be better than everyone else, it’s pretty much so he will have less to criticise himself for (but there is always something). like he gets promoted to squadron leader before granox does and gloats about it like a dickhead, but granox gets promoted not long after and then slyger has a bit of a meltdown over it.

21) If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others? he blames other people but thinks he deserved it.

22) What does your character like in other people? when people will listen to him talk for hours on end, and he really values loyalty even though it’s something he himself struggles with.

23) What does your character dislike in other people? like grappler, most traits he himself as

24) How quick is your character to trust someone else? god it takes an eternity

25) How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person? he’ll start assuming things the second something doesn’t go perfectly his way

26) How does your character behave around children? he HATES kids he will go to great lengths to avoid them

27) How does your character normally deal with confrontation? all bark (meow) and no bite like if it seems like he won’t “win” he’ll just be like nope and run away lmao.

28) How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation? quicker than most

29) What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true? he vaguely wanted to be a vet so he could see cats all day, and then had some half-serious fantasy about marrying rich and never having to work and just doing whatever whenever

30) What does your character find repulsive or disgusting? kids lmao. and dog slobber.

31) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. there’s a whole bunch of cats around and he’s just sitting with them talking at them and there’s NO OTHER PEOPLE except maybe granox, he is allowed.

32) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable. being stuck in a huge crowd of people with no way out.

33) In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve? he’s defensive but it will be the only thing he things about for like a week so he /will/ make some attempt to improve but not in an obvious way that would let people KNOW he thought about their criticism

34) Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method? if he knows something worked once he will keep trying but he will eventually try something else.

35) How does your character behave around people they like? will not shut the fuck up and his go-to subject of choice is Himself

36) How does your character behave around people they dislike? catty as hell (no pun intended) and he will try to roast them for the slightest thing

37) Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status? protecting his status

38) Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat? removing himself is WAY easier, if something is too hard it’s like nope bye

39) Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)? he’s been bitten by cats before but the most he reacts to that is like “well that’s just rude”

40) How does your character treat people in service jobs? he’s not intentionally an asshole but he doesn’t think about what he says/does sometimes. (e.g. oh leave it someone else will get it)

41) Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first? he usually feels like he deserves what he wants, especially compared to certain other people

42) Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? nope

43) Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them? like grappler he’s a squadron leader so he is in charge of a lot of grunts (though he doesn’t really like to be)

44) How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it? it’s very difficult unless it’s a cat he’s talking to

45) What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them? he’s half-convinced that he’ll go to hell so he tries not to think about it.

[ssugawarakoshii]

Random stuff no one cares about (fuck u jo)

@mysmoldarkfictionalsons told me to do this so it here it is 1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? Milk than cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Yes

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Pages of homework, pens, tickets, earphones

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? Alone or with really little milk

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Yup

6: do you keep plants? Two cactus

7: do you name your plants? Nope

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Does editing count?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? All three? But I’ll say side?

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? “Stitch”

12: what’s your favorite planet? Uranus

13: what’s something that made you smile today? Talking about 80s voltron with Ce

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? It’d be small, full of our stuff and a comfy sofa for us to cuddle

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! There is a planet that may be made entirely out of diamonds

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Spaghetti carbonara

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Rose gold/purple/blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. When they got drunk in the village party and they tried jumping to the river from the bridge and I had to take care of them all (I am the one to bring this up btw)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Kind of? And just random ideas and stuff (ok and also dates and shit)

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Green

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. It’s blue with starts on it and it’s completely destroyed by now, the zip doesn’t even work anymore and it’s all full of scratches rip

22: are you a morning person? Depends tbh

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Watch a movie/show/anime, read or edit

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? I think yes?

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? An old house… I don’t usually break into places

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My Panama jack shoes rip

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Berries

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? When she’s nervous, Eva is always trying to grab someone’s hand without realising AND IT’S SO CUTE

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yup

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I like socks, but not that much? In winter and all they’re great but in summer I prefer my feet to be free

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. A guy in the village party (again) kept following us around, so Angel went and asked him what happened. The guy then just turned around like half pouting and handed us his empty hand and was like “I wanted to give you cookies”. And we ran. The lesson is, kids, never drink or do drugs if you don’t want to end up like that man

33: what’s your fave pastry? Orejas de carnaval con chocolate

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? It was called Eric and it was a white dog with brown spots and it’s somewhere in my room, im pretty sure

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yeah but in the end I always end up using the most normal stuff

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Oh wonder

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I hate it when people like crack their knuckles? Nope don’t do that in front of me I beg you. Also people that walk slow… move dammit

39: what color do you wear the most? Black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? The chain my grandmother gave me for my communion. It has an image of virgin Maria as a child and my name engraved and she told me my grandfather had always wanted to give me a chain like that one

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? El laberinto de los espíritus

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Silvia…

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Like a week ago? Lmao it didn’t last long

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Yup.. doesn’t mean they work

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. Are you a son of Poseidon? Cause you got me all wet (I’m gonna go bury myself now)

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Cauliflower. Take it away

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? My biggest fear was the world suddenly ending… yep…. I was weird. Maybe it isn’t the same but yoU CAN’T TELL ME THAT ISN’T SCARY

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? Yes but I usually cant buy them which leads to the part where I can’t remember which one was the last I bought

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Do snow globes count? I have some of them and I love them

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? I’m not mentioning the person but photograph

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? The glasses one? Is that from this year or last? Ah fuck it

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No, yes, no, yes Weird af but strangely great

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? Grandma

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Breaking a pencil (the thing we were discussing was that I didn’t have enough strength to break it okay so I got all hulk mode and broke it)

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? people that do a lot of hand gestures (they remind me of myself tho)

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? It makes me feel like a psycho murdered :’) nah kidding it makes me feel nostalgic AND WHO DOESN’T RE-ENACT THE LYRICS SMH

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Jandro is the Vodka aunt and Jo is the wine mom (although she is Vodka but she is way more mom so fuck it)

59: what’s your favorite myth? Persephone’s myth or Icarus one

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I love it and my fave authors (cause I can’t choose poems) are Bécquer, Góngora, Rubén Darío and Pablo Neruda

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I’ve never given really stupid gifts? My gifts are good *gasps* and my cousin gave me a clown nose once

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? Sometimes I drink orange juice

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I am very fussy and it’s the one thing I’ll always have tidy af

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Ugly grey ugh

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? Do my online friends count? Maybe?

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? It’d have blue and white that’s all I know

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? Sleepy. That’s it.

68: what’s winter like where you live? Cold and grey but with snow tho

69: what are your favorite board games? To be honest I don’t know?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Nah (I was going to, then backed down you see)

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I don’t know, I’m more of a coffee girl

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Yep

73: what are some of your worst habits? Biting my cheeks/lip until it bleeds and scratching my scalp and ears until it bleeds too (que sanguinolenta por favor)

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Love

75: tell us about your pets! A bird, his name is Winnie and he’s a little shit but I love him

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Studying history

77: pink or yellow lemonade? Yellow (I’ve never had pink lol)

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I’m neutral ground

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Joana’s video for my birthday

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Violet and white and yes I chose it because they’re two of my faves colours there’s nothing feel about it

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. Beer bottle

82: are/were you good in school? I am good thanks very much

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Idk

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Idk

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? Yes and here’s a thing about me I cannot by the sake of my life choose favorites in anything don’t make me do it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? Depends?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Tbh I’d say the Godfather (can’t really think of any other rn rip why do you put me in such compromises?)

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? No??

89: are you close to your parents? Meh

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. All I have to say is it has history, culture and it’s beautiful sorry I don’t want to make this long

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? Dublin lololol

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Drown it in cheese bitch give me all of it

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Ponytail/bun

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? A classmate on the 28th

95: what are your plans for this weekend? Doing my Spanish project and editing

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? Procrastination my dear

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFP, cancer, Ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? I’m not sure? Sometime in December with my father and yes

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Light by sleeping at last100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the future, I don’t want to relive my past thanks

I don’t have anyone to tag (my only friends are the tagger (fuck you) and the other person she tagged ( @nekolance why) So bye bye do it if you want to

[zapgraptrash]

for the hardmode development questions: Grappler, Slyger, and Sazabi and/or Madnug. GO

i know u mean all 45 questions for all of them and i’m SO MAD AT YOU but i will DO THEM ALL REGARDLESS

i’ll do grappler for this post

1) Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?his sister is 2 years younger than him and she was in fact the family member he was closest to. i haven’t actually thought much about his extended family but i just decided his sister would be the only one close to his age anyway

2) What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?his sister was a lot closer to their mum than he was. he always felt like his mum was vaguely disappointed with him and there was definitely some distance between them

3) What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?see above but instead of vague it’s glaringly obvious that his dad was disappointed with him. and once grappler started showing “signs” of not being Straight, his dad got a lot more vocal and and angry about it. his dad was also one of those guys who had his own insecurities and would take them out on his family and grappler was on the receiving end of that a lot so it was like… constant arguing and yelling

4) Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?probably watching his two best friends slowly die. zapper, slyger, dom and likely granox will end up knowing about this.

5) On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?at least one condom and a tiny fuckin thing of lube because “you never know”. when he’s dating zapper, zapper will point out it’s dumb at any chance he gets like “GRAPPLER WE ARE NEVER GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY BONE OUTSIDE.” “but you don’t KNOW that” “YES I DO!!!”

6) Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?he doesn’t remember his dreams very often so.

7) Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?see above

8) Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?everyone in the platinum army gets trained to fire guns obviously and all the grunts and lieutenants have to use them. once you get to be a squadron leader you can more or less do what you want and grappler mostly uses stuff like swords and his claw arm because he was never that great at using guns and he prefers to get close up to wreck shit

9) Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?sanctuary’s wage system is like. there are only 4 pay grades and they are dependent on rank rather than job so there’s not a huge amount of class difference. when he was growing up grappler was kinda average middle class

10) Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?since he is now at a point where his body doesn’t feel goddamn alien to him he has almost no problem with wearing less clothing these days.

11) In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?either the time when a former “friend” tried to kill him or the time when he got his arm bitten off.

12) In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?maybe the first time he and zapper decided to not play up the “i h8 you” charade and just fuckin be with each other

13) Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?not even a little bit

14) Does your character remember names or faces easier?faces, he doesn’t even bother with names a lot of the time

15) Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?he likes to have Nice Things. maybe there’s a deeper meaning behind this but i can’t think of it right now asdfghj

16) Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?they’re kind of the same thing to him.

17) What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?not technically toys, but he’s had his own vinyl records and cassettes since he was ~7 so, those. people used to get him too many obviously Girly toys which he never liked anyway.

18) Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?probably wisdom because ambition is more threatening especially when the other person is like him (slyger.)

19) What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?not even fuckin trying to keep/make friends. he was like that as a kid and then there was a brief time when he DID have friends but they all either died or deserted him so he became really closed off again.

20) In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?outwardly he likes to think he’s better than everyone else but really he’s super self critical, but mostly about appearance. during the story he does come to realise he’s a dickhead and needs to work on /that/ too though.

21) If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?he will blame other people.

22) What does your character like in other people?he’ll never admit it but he admires people who are straight out nice to other people and as such have people be nice to THEM too.

23) What does your character dislike in other people?arrogance, being over-dramatic, attention-seeking, basically most traits he has himself lol

24) How quick is your character to trust someone else?Nobody Can Be Trusted

25) How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?he doesn’t give people the chance to do anything to be suspected of. like he will just get what he wants from them and immediately bail

26) How does your character behave around children?either “ew” or will just mess with them for shits and giggles

27) How does your character normally deal with confrontation?he will have the last word or die trying

28) How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?he prefers to insult people but he’s not above cutting someone

29) What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?he wanted to be lead singer in a glam band lmao. (no it did not come true)

30) What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?slyger lmao but not reallyI JUST ASKED BOXY FOR SOMETHING AND SHE SAID BAD SHOES AND DAY OLD POPCORN AND THAT ABSOLUTELY WORKS SO YES.

31) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.sitting around with friends (SUPPOSING HE HAS ANY but during trashland’s story he does gain some) just chilling and drinking and maybe watching some bad movies

32) Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.during that period after banging a randomer and you’re not entirely sure when it’s acceptable to leave….. and they invite him to stay longer and do somethin else

33) In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?defensive as hell

34) Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?he will try something else

35) How does your character behave around people they like?annoy them at every opportunity

36) How does your character behave around people they dislike?annoy them at every opportunity but a lot meaner

37) Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?protecting his status.

38) Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?removing himself implies the problem wins so he removes the problem

39) Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?THIS IS HOW HE LOST HIS ARM some big alien thing (which i have yet to design but it’s probably gonna be vaguely similar to a large cat) attacked him and straight up bit it off. and u can imagine how losing half an arm would affect someone right. though he actually doesn’t mind jokes about it (unlike zapper who will kill anyone for joking about his eye.)

40) How does your character treat people in service jobs?about what you’d expect for a middle class person born in 1970. maybe not quite that bad but he could definitely be nicer.

41) Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?he feels like he deserves most things he wants especially because he Did His Suffering Already.

42) Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?no but the two best friends he had while he lived in LA were like older siblings to him

43) Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?not entirely dependent but since he IS a squadron leader and has to manage a load of grunts, i guess they somewhat count

44) How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?SUPER FUCKING DIFFICULT he feels like if he says it even when he does mean it it will sound forced or insincere.

45) What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?he believes nothing happens and then people forget you which does in fact scare the shit out of him.