#also I hate finishing shows cause I just want to stay in that universe forever but I don’t wanna rewatch it over and over again

[rosicheeks]

😓

[joelsgoldrush]

“give me the first taste” | 10k

logan howlett x f!reader

part 2 of “GUILTY PLEASURE”

"Your hungry flirt borders intrusion / And I'm building memories on things we have not said / Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly, my love / Give me the first taste / Let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever / Darling, just start start the chase, I'll let you win." The First Taste by Fiona Apple

SUMMARY: From the moment you first laid eyes on Logan, you knew he was a tough nut to crack. But if there’s one thing you love, it’s a challenge. As your relationship grows, you’re determined to show him that, in this universe, he can also be loved.

WARNINGS/TAGS: mdni - smut 18+ fluff. angst. drinking. dirty talk. slow-burnish. age-gap (reader is 25). once again wade saves the day. domestic!logan. soft dom!logan. logan calls reader “kid”. they watch (500) days of summer. oral sex (f and m receiving). fingering. thigh riding. thumb sucking. throat fucking. multiple orgasms. unprotected p in v. creampie (i would say i’m sorry but i’d be lying)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: jeez. hi guys!!! hope you’re doing alright. this is the 2nd part to “guilty pleasure.” writing for these two has been a total rollercoaster, but god was it worth it. as i always tell you, english isn’t my first language, so if you come across any mistake and you feel like letting me know, there’s no problem. thank you so much for all the support you’ve been giving my posts. i’m happy strangers out there take the time to read my silly stories :)

A girl and a mutant walk into an apartment…

Actually, you’re still trying to come up with the rest of the joke. But one thing’s true: Logan’s about to set foot in your place.

You curse under your breath, putting both your hands to work as you struggle to open the door. “Fucking swollen wood. I hate humidity,” you mutter, glancing back at Logan, who frowns as you keep trying different maneuvers to get the door to function properly.

It’s a shitty situation overall. And having that gorgeous man practically glued to your back isn’t helping in any way. You can tell he wants to give you a hand, but you’re not having it—women in STEM or something of the sort.

“May I—” he starts, though you cut him off before he can finish.

“I’ve got this. Just need to—” you say, ramming your shoulder into the door with enough force to make it finally give away. Almost stumbling over the carpet but managing to catch yourself, you sigh in relief. Meanwhile, Logan stands still, scrutinizing you until you gesture for him to enter. “Welcome to the smallest apartment in New York City. It's nothing fancy, but it’s got everything you need for a comfortable stay on a budget. Make yourself at home!”

Logan narrows his eyes, the tiniest smirk playing on his lips before stepping inside. Each of his movements seems to be premeditated as he tosses his jacket onto the couch, surveying the room. A portrait of when you were a kid, probably six or seven years old, catches his attention. He tilts his head, picking up the picture to examine it more closely, and then flashes you a lopsided grin. “How cute.”

“Well, I’ve changed a lot,” you take the picture from his hands, returning it to the shelf where he had gotten it from. 

“Well,” he echoes, mocking your tone, “your beauty certainly hasn’t.”

His eyes bore into you as you meet his gaze. What amazes you most is that he’s being completely honest. In a heartbeat, you look away, wondering what’s gotten into you. Usually, you’re not this awkward—you’ve learned how to take compliments over the years, knowing how to smile just right, to flutter your eyelashes. To blush and giggle in command. Those were the tools that helped you to survive countless first dates—your dearest aces up your sleeve.

There’s no use denying that they remained just that: first, failed dates. You hope you never have to go back to dating apps after this.

“Are you hungry? ‘Cause I’m starving,” you say, trying to walk away from him, although he’s faster, catching your hand in his. 

“Hey,” he urges you to make eye contact with him, his voice perplexingly soft. “Is everything okay?”

You nod so vigorously that you nearly strain your neck. “I’m fine, I swear. I just never get past this point.”

Inching closer, he presses his lips together for a split second, his brows furrowing in confusion. “You lost me there.”

“Guys who come into my apartment don’t tend to call back,” you admit, a flush creeping up your face, cheeks getting hotter. “I happen to believe it’s a curse, though I’ve kissed, like, a hundred toads so far and it still won’t break.”

“So y’think you’re gonna scare me off,” he raises an eyebrow, grinning. His rough fingers become gentle as they tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “It’s sweet. Should be the other way around.”

Wow. You two are a match made in heaven.

As you detach yourself from his embrace and head to the kitchen, you decide to look for something edible in the fridge, finding different trays of food from days ago, none of which look appetizing or suitable for feeding the Tin Woodman standing behind you.

All of a sudden, the unmistakable metallic sound of Logan’s claws unsheathing rings in your ears, forcing you to spin around. The image that unfolds before you is peculiar, to say the least: he’s cornering your cat against the door.

Why is he about to fight a cat?

“Please don’t kill him?” you take a step in his direction and scoop the little ball of white fur into your arms. Logan stares at both of you, eyes squinted and brows knitted. “I’m sure he’s the cutest feline you’ve ever seen. Have mercy on him.”

“I didn’t know you had a cat.”

“Earnest wasn’t aware of your existence either,” you reply, scratching along the animal’s back. He purrs beside your neck, his yellowish eyes never leaving Logan’s. “Earnest, this is Logan. He has claws just like you.”

“Don’t you dare compare me to that,” Logan warns you, retracting his claws with a sigh. You can’t help but wonder if he ever feels tranquil, at peace. “Y’know, you’ve doomed him to bad fortune with that name. Is he at least toilet trained?”

“Are you hating on The Importance of Being Earnest?” you ask, expecting a retort, though apparently the play’s title doesn’t ring a bell for him. “Oscar Wilde?”

“Who do you think you’re talkin’ to, kid?”

Now’s your time to roll your eyes, setting the cat down and letting it run away. He likes to hide in the bathroom—don’t ask why, because not even you know the answer to that. You flick your gaze up back to Logan, placing your hands on your hips. “See, you gave him trust issues.”

“He’ll survive. Don’t they have seven lives?”

This is the perfect conversation to have with someone who just ate you out thirty minutes ago: how many lives do cats have. Jesus.

At some point, Logan flops onto the couch, stretching out. You shudder as you hear him crack his neck, the popping sound getting on your nerves. He pats the empty side of the sofa, spreading his thighs until he’s almost taking up all the space. “Come here.”

Putting aside all your thoughts, you accept the invitation. You sit down, motionless, and his arm grazes the cushion behind your head, pulling you closer to him. You rest your cheek on his chest, letting out a deep sigh, one that you’ve been holding in since you got to the apartment. Is it possible that he knows you craved this? This proximity, this kind of affection. To be held—it’s been your only wish for months. He drums his fingers on your shoulder blades, then starts rubbing your back ever so lightly.

Far from dozing off, you feel alive.

It’s hard not to lose track of time and space when you find yourself immersed in the warmth he offers, and that’s when you realize how deeply you’re falling for this man. “Logan?” the mere thought of asking him what’s been on your mind terrifies you. The last thing you want is to ruin things—or whatever it is that you have. He hums, a low, heavy sound in his throat, indicating you to continue. “I have a question.”

“Ask away.”

You lift your face from his chest and look him in the eye. The city’s still alive outside, with music and chatter sneaking in through the window. Everything seems to be perfect, and you wish you could stay like this—just staring at him as if he were a painting in a museum, and you the critic who can’t stop writing articles about its beauty.

Okay, that was… weirdly specific. 

Logan tries to hide his smile as you peck his lips repeatedly. For a moment, you almost forget what you were going to ask him in the first place. But then he’s ready to listen, and you a wave of nausea washes over you.

“I know that we came here to… engage in adult practices.”

“Fucking, you mean.”

“I didn’t want to be that straightforward, but yeah,” you say, shaking your head as to rearrange your thoughts. “Would you mind if we stayed like this?” to emphasize your point, you kick your shoes off and put your legs on top of his lap. He observes the whole sequence without daring to utter a word. “Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to try that too. I truly do. But… right now, all I want is to cuddle,” he’s still silent, making you even more nervous. “I’m sorry. Is that okay with you?”

His whole body engulfs yours, your cheek coming to rest once again in its original position. You can feel the rhythmic beating of his heart, each breath he takes, the air he exhales dampening your nape. Logan peppers your neck with chaste kisses before pressing his lips to your temple. His voice comes out strained, partially muffled by your hair. “Who do you take me for, huh?” he’s right there, beside your ear, fucking everywhere. There isn’t a single centimeter of your exposed skin that he isn’t touching, marking as his. You don’t give him an answer, in part because you’re unsure of what to say. He takes your silence as a cue to keep talking. “Let me take you to bed.”

“I can walk on my own.”

“I know,” he mutters, standing up with you in his arms, one arm beneath your knees and the other one under your shoulders. Logan’s not used to being this cautious, this patient with someone he’s known for less than two weeks. You see it in his eyes when he lets his guard down—something that has cracked, a shell that’s been broken.

As he places you gently on top of the covers, he lingers for a moment, crouching beside the bed and searching for your lowered gaze. His fingers are warm as he tilts your chin up. “I didn’t come here just to have sex with you. That was a possibility, of course—but it’s not the main reason why I’m here,” he rasps, words accompanied by the light brush of his lips against yours for a quick, brief kiss. “I care about you. A lot. I’m fine with whatever we do as long as I get to be close to you,” he grabs your hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He then goes back to his usual bossy self, his demeanor changing. “And I don’t want to hear you apologizing for not wanting to have sex ever again. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now you’re making jokes?”

“I can’t have serious conversations,” you confess, observing the look of pure confusion on his face. “It’s true. I once spoke at a funeral and they cut me off forty seconds into my speech.”

Logan laughs at your sudden confession, his eyes crinkling at the edges. Rising to his feet, he begins to unbutton his flannel, pausing after the first few buttons are undone, waiting for your approval. “Do you want me to stay tonight?” 

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is what I want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t make me change my mind.”

His words don’t hide any real threat—that you know.

You stifle your laughter, shedding your clothes. Instead of going to the bathroom to change, you toss your work clothes carelessly to the floor, opting for an old pair of pajamas that are the complete opposite of sexy. They surely have seen better days.

Logan’s eyes trail over you, taking his time to analyze the faded lettering on your wrinkled shirt. “Keep calm and eat pizza?” he reads aloud.

“Hey. I bought it when I was seventeen.”

“You could use a new wardrobe.”

“Well, what about you?” you tease, toying with his belt. “You’re gonna sleep like this in my bed?”

“Can’t wait for me to get my shirt off, huh?” he grins, that all-too-familiar smile on his lips.

You play along, folding your arms over your chest. “You think so highly of yourself.”

Without breaking eye contact, Logan unbuckles his jeans, letting them pool around his ankles. He then shrugs off his flannel, leaving him in just his briefs and vest. You scan his body, and the room suddenly feels a hundred degrees hotter, the air between you thickening. Logan notices your reaction, chuckling. “Don’t get too excited. This is all you’re getting today.”

“I think I’ve already heard that before.”

“Kid.”

You raise your hands in surrender, showing him your palms and mouthing ’sorry’. Approaching your bed, you pull back the covers and slip into it. When you see Logan still standing there, you frown. “Where are your manners? Come here. I’m very impatient.”

He grumbles something under his breath, but he doesn’t make you wait long. He proceeds to get under the sheets beside you, occupying that side of the bed that’s always been empty. As you both settle in, facing each other, you can’t help but giggle, your contagious laugh getting to him. “What now?”

“You’re beautiful,” you whisper, tracing the bridge of his nose with your index finger, a featherlight touch that has him closing his eyes. In the soft glow of the night, with the city’s distant sounds filtering in, he looks breathtaking. “I mean it.”

“Do you have an off switch?”

“I’m… not sure. Let’s find out tomorrow.”

“You need to sleep,” he pulls you onto his chest with firm but gentle hands. He intertwines his legs with yours, holding you close.

“Wait. I have a game to play.”

“It’s late.”

“Please?”

He sighs. “Okay.”

“We have to make confessions until we fall asleep.” 

“You just want to talk—that doesn’t even qualify as a game.”

“It does in this universe,” you reply, feeling his chest rumble with a chuckle as you settle more comfortably against him. “I’ll start: remember the first night you came to the bar?” he hums in acknowledgment. “It wasn’t Burger Night. We don’t serve food. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”

He kisses the top of your head, his arms tightening around you. “I knew. You don’t have a kitchen down there, baby,” he falls silent, taking his time to come up with a confession of his own. “I have a fear of flying.”

“Really? You, of all people?”

“I wasn’t expecting to be judged.”

“Oh, don’t be such a crybaby,” you tease, burying your face further into the crook of his shoulder, inhaling his scent. He shivers slightly where your nose touches his skin. “I like you. It’s kind of scary, and I’m sure saying something like this probably goes against the rules of dating 101, but I do. I feel safe with you, like—like this is where I’m supposed to be.”

Almost as if the pieces of the puzzle finally fit together, you think to yourself, though the words stay unspoken.

You’ve come to learn that Logan’s not a man of many words—he’s more of the “show, don’t tell” kind of guy. So when he makes you lift your face, you’re not surprised by the way he kisses you: hungrily. Passionately, like a starved man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. A soft whimper gets lost somewhere in your throat as his tongue makes its way into your mouth, languidly stroking yours.

“We didn’t brush our teeth,” you whisper against his lips, laughing when he groans in exasperation.

“You love having the final say, don’t you?”

“I’m being serious, Logan. Cavities are a real issue for me.”

“You can always get new teeth.”

“But my morning breath—”

“It’ll stink anyway, and so will mine,�� he responds, taking a deep breath and clearing his throat once he settles into his ideal sleep position. “Good night.”

“Night,” you murmur, nuzzling your cheek against his neck. Despite your efforts to ignore it, being cradled like this feels incredible. You can’t believe you went twenty-five years without it.

Just as you’re about to drift off, curiosity strikes. “Can you get tattoos?”

“Bub, I was actually falling asleep.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry,” you mumble, feeling a bit sheepish.

More silence.

“Logan?”

“Hmm?”

“What was the Great Depression like?”

“Fuck me,” he mutters, his voice gruff as he shifts lightly. “It was fine. Now go to sleep.”

And you do, but not for long. An abrupt coldness wakes you up, eyes wide open, feeling disoriented. It’s still pitch black outside, far quieter than when you first fell asleep. The clock on your nightstand reads it’s 3:17 am, though it feels like you’ve only been in bed for five minutes.

Then you see him—he’s twitching in his sleep on the far side of the bed, his painful grunts reaching your ears. Most of what he says is unintelligible, but there’s one word he keeps repeating over and over again without fail: “No.”

You don’t usually have nightmares. What’s the best way to wake someone from one? You’re still thinking when he starts mumbling again, his voice thick with distress, and now he’s throwing his arms in the air as if he were fighting off something—or someone—in his dreams.

Pressing your hands to his cheeks, you attempt to hold his face steady. He clenches his fists, his breath quickening the more he battles whatever’s haunting him. “Logan,” you whisper at first, subtly shaking his shoulders, but his eyebrows stay furrowed, deep in his nightmare. This time, you tighten your grip, fully sitting on top of him. “Logan. Logan! Wake up!”

Without warning, you’re on your back, pinned against the mattress. Logan’s straddling your hips, caging you in with his body, the weight of his adamantium skeleton pressing down. Your hands are trapped beneath his, and you watch as he clenches his jaw, teeth bared in a way that looks painful. His eyes are so dark and wild you barely recognize him, prominent veins throbbing in his neck with each labored breath he takes.

“Logan,” your own voice sounds unnatural, forced, as you do your best to bring him back to reality. “It’s me. You’re alright.”

That seems to get through him. Logan stares at you in disbelief, his eyes softening as they take in your terrified expression. He abruptly pulls away, retreating to the nearest wall. He’s gasping for air, slamming his eyes shut, his legs trembling. The only sound you can hear is his rapid breathing. You get up from the bed, taking a step in his direction, but you don’t manage to go any further since he stops you with a shout.

“Stay right there!” he’s growling, pointing his finger at you. “I’m serious. Don’t come any closer.”

“Logan…”

“Please, no!” his voice increases in pitch, not being able to meet your eyes. “Please. Just stay there.”

You comply, not wanting to upset him any further. Sitting back on your knees, you try to appear calm. A man so strong, capable of things you can’t even understand. A weapon turned against himself now stands before you, pushing you away as if his presence were poisonous. He slumps to the floor, the fabric of his vest soaked with sweat.

Once he’s fully conscious, you cautiously crawl toward him, watching his every move. On a random day, this might have been funny for both of you, but right now, there’s no room for laughter. Logan shakes his head, his shoulders tensing when you reach out to hug him, wrapping your arms around his broad frame. It takes him a couple of minutes, but eventually, his body sags against yours. For a while, neither of you speaks. You just thread your fingers through his hair, hoping the closeness will help soothe him. “Feeling better?” you whisper in the shell of his ear, and he pulls back to look you in the eye. You caress his cheek, his stubble rough against your skin. “Welcome back.”

“I’m sorry,” it’s the first thing he says, covering your hand with his. One by one, he kisses your knuckles, still shaking his head. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“You had a nightmare—it’s not like you could control it.”

“But I could’ve hurt you,” he says, lowering his gaze to your wrists, where his fingerprints have left their mark. “God. I’m so sorry. I have to go.”

“Wait!” you grab his arm, your mouth setting in a hard line, stopping him from leaving. “Don’t run away from me, not now. Don’t push me away, Logan.”

“I could’ve done something much worse.”

“But you didn’t. It was a nightmare, baby. You didn’t know,” you kiss his forehead, hoping to talk some sense into him. “Please, stay. Let’s try to get some more sleep.”

“What if—”

You hold his face close to yours, your noses brushing. “You won’t hurt me.” 

This time, he lets you keep him close, the roles now reversed. You can see him fighting his exhaustion, not wanting to fall asleep. But the more you play with his hair, the harder it is for him to stay awake.

“I’m alright,” he says, seemingly reading your mind. It’s hard to tell whether he’s reassuring you or himself.

“I know,” you knead his shoulder, aiming to ease the tension knotted there. “You better sleep, or I might start rambling again.”

A faint, tired hum escapes him, at long last allowing his eyes to close. “I like hearing you talk,” he murmurs, his breath warm against your collarbone, drifting off soon after that.

You continue to hug him, feeling the weight of his body gradually relax against yours as his breathing evens out. The room is quiet, but your mind is far from it: a tornado of emotions swirls within you—concern, relief, love, and something else you can’t quite decipher. It isn’t until sleep finally claims you too that your brain stops going a hundred kilometers an hour.

The most surreal Sunday night of your whole life.

“So… when will you let me see Lolo again?”

Wade’s question makes you stop mid-pour, flicking your eyes between the drink and him. A few seats away, you hand a glass to Adam. Returning to where Wade’s currently sitting, you dry your hands on your apron. “Why are you even here?” you ask, raising an eyebrow, and he gives half a shrug. “Last time I checked, I wasn’t holding him against his will.”

“He’s been crashing at your place almost every night. You have your own methods, woman,” he raises one finger, then quickly adds another, pointing at your shirt. “Two methods, in fact.”

At that, you laugh mirthlessly, shaking your head with a grin. “I’m surprised anyone would willingly date you.”

“I could ask you the same thing,” he retorts, taking a tentative sip of his beer and leaning back in his chair.

You glance at him while you wipe down the bar, looking for something to occupy your hands. “He’s not my boyfriend—yet.”

Wade mimics a punch in his chest, just where his heart’s supposed to be, though you’re starting to question whether he has one. His lips form a small, exaggerated pout. “That must hurt, doll. You got yourself into a situationship with a goddamn fossil. Good luck getting out of that.”

“It’s not that bad,” you say, rolling your eyes. “We’re cool this way. There’s absolutely no need for a title.”

“Okay, let’s rehearse that one more time because you look like you’re about to cry,” he lifts an eyebrow, drawing nearer. “You want the title, right?”

“I don’t.”

He props his chin on his hand, laughing at you. “Yes, you do. You can’t fool me.”

“I said I don’t.”

“I said I don’t,” he mocks you, kicking his legs and puckering his lips.

You can’t help but throw the towel down on the counter with irritation, giving in. “Okay! Of course, I want the fucking title.”

“There she is!” he exclaims, throwing his hands up in a triumphant gesture. “Glad we’re speaking the truth now,” he tilts his head to the side, noticing your sudden silence. “Hey, drop the long face. I’m sure he’s been thinking about it. In order to understand Logan, I usually compare him to elders over ninety.”

“Why would you do that?” you ask, your tone a mix of mild annoyance and curiosity.

“Just think about it! Senior citizens didn’t date for too long in the past. They’d go straight from strangers to lovers. Take my grandparents, for example: in the span of one year, they met at a party, then got married, and had five kids. Do you really want to have a litter of Logan’s grumpy, hairy puppies?”

“Wade, that’s not even possible.”

“The point is,” he continues, finishing his beer and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Logan’s rusty in this area, alright? I’d bet a thousand dollars he probably dated Cleopatra.”

“How did you pass History in high school?”

“I never graduated, but keep that between us,” he lifts his shoulders, shrugging. He spins the empty bottle, contemplating his next words. “You should tell him how you feel and what you want. That’s what works best for Vanessa and me. It’s easier that way—you can’t expect him to just guess.”

You wrap your arms around yourself. “I just wish he’d realize it on his own.”

“Well, sometimes you need to give the other person a bit of guidance. I’m just laying out the basics of a relationship here. Did your parents hate each other or something?”

The irony of it all. “They got divorced when I was little.” 

“Oh, god,” Wade sighs, rubbing his temples before glancing at you. “Let me get this straight: Mommy and Daddy weren’t exactly the poster children for love. And you also happen to be a bartender. Anything else, honey? Please tell me you’re at least getting laid, because otherwise, I’m going to feel tremendously sorry for you and your mental health.”

Just then, you hear your name being called. Smiling at Wade, you mumble: “Saved by the bell.” Once you’re back from taking some orders, Wade jumps to his feet, coming around the counter to hug you.

“Dude, what’s the matter with you?” you ask, loosely returning the hug. 

“You’re a fucking survivor,” he whispers in your ear, genuinely sounding concerned. “I don’t know how you do it—you seem so put together. I would’ve lost it by now. A life without sex sounds awful.”

“Jesus, Wade! Get off!” you stretch your arm to punch him in the back, earning a groan from him. “Back to your seat, gentleman. I certainly don’t need your pity.”

“I’m a certified sexologist. Your secret’s safe with me,” he declares with a smirk, gesturing to his empty beer. “But first, I’m gonna need more of this tasty apple juice.”

“I hope you’ve got some cash on you,” you say, getting him another beer. “Why do I get the feeling Logan would kill us if he knew we’re talking about this?”

“Isn’t that what makes it even better?”

Swaying on your feet, you scrunch your nose, momentarily lost in thought. “He won’t let me touch him. I don’t know if it’s me that does something wrong. We do have our… moments, but he takes care of himself. And usually in the bathroom.”

Wade goes white in front of you. “How long has this been going on?”

“Over a month.”

“Oh. That’s bad, like, really bad.”

“Thanks! I’ll be sleeping on the highway tonight. You can always join me.”

“Doll, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed, alright?” he waves his hand dismissively, then sets his palms flat on the counter. “I know I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but talking to him is your best bet. This isn’t something you can just brush under the carpet. You’re like a goddamn radio—put it to good use.”

Just as you’re about to reply, you spot Logan entering the bar. You raise a hand in greeting, waving at him. He meets your gaze and smiles briefly, and so your eyes drift to Wade’s, shooting him a warning look. “If you keep this to yourself, I won’t charge you for today,” you mutter through gritted teeth, to which he answers by pretending to zip his mouth closed.

Logan takes a seat next to him, ignoring his presence. Instead, he focuses entirely on you. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey, homey.”

“Hiya, Wade,” Wade greets himself with a mock cheer, patting his own back, which makes you laugh. He turns to Logan and his whole face lights up. “I’m afraid to tell you I can’t sleep when you’re not around.”

Logan rolls his eyes. “Get your shit together.”

“You’re the worst roommate ever! Can’t believe you got yourself a girl and completely forgot about your bro,” Wade murmurs under his breath, just as his phone rings. “Thank God. I’ve got to go. My love nugget’s calling,” he announces, heading for the door. Before leaving, Wade blows the two of you a kiss. “I hate you both, but I also love you. Peace out, my friends!”

Logan and you exchange glances. “He’s a funny guy, isn’t he?”

“You could say that,” he replies, leaning in to kiss you on the lips. Logan intends to deepen the kiss, but you pull away after a couple of seconds. He frowns, clearly confused. “That’s how you greet me?”

You bite your lip, trying to suppress a giggle. “My tip jar is practically empty, and I hate to say it, but it’s your fault.”

“Do you want me to say I’m sorry?”

“Oh, no.”

“Good, ‘cause I’m not,” he plants a quick kiss on your cheek, making you smile. “You have classes tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, at 9 am,” you almost grunt, not feeling too enthusiastic about it. “I’m gonna need your help. I can’t sleep through my alarm, okay? The professor said tomorrow’s class is an important one. Midterms are right around the corner, and I can’t take the liberty of failing them.”

“That won’t happen,” he assures you, and you believe him. “I can be of help, don’t worry. You won’t oversleep.”

Oh, Logan. Sweet, lying Logan.

Turns out you ended up oversleeping. Twenty-five years on this earth, and you still haven’t learned not to trust a man, even if his puppy-dog eyes silently beg you to do otherwise. The thing is—you love them. You love men. And you’re especially fond of the one currently sleeping in your bed.

The first rays of sunshine hit your face, waking you up. You attempt to raise a hand to shield your eyes, but moving any limbs feels like a Herculean task. A warm body is pressed against your back, one veiny arm draped over your stomach. Logan remains fast asleep behind you, his steady breathing succeeding in making you feel at ease. You reach back, running your fingers through his messy hair, and he grumbles in his sleep, instinctively pulling you closer.

What a nice, domestic morning. Yep, you’re getting used to this. And nope, you don’t regret it, not even in the slightest bit.

Though there must be a mistake, because you’re preeeeetty sure you had something important to do. 

Oh. You have classes. Had—past tense.

You reach for your nightstand, blindly groping for your phone. The charger is lying on the floor, the plastic of it all damaged. Perhaps Earnest had chewed on it while you were sleeping? You gently pry Logan’s arm off you, sitting up, and your bleary eyes land on something barely peeking out from under the bed.

It’s your fucking phone. The screen is completely shattered, with three distinct holes in the middle of it. Three holes, how strange! You can’t help but wonder who might have left them. Clutching your pillow, you whack Logan in the face with it. “Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty!”

He groans, trying to take the pillow away from you. “What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?”

“I wish I had a UNO reverse card because I should be the one asking you that!” you jab your finger into his chest, showing him the ruined phone. “You broke my fucking phone!”

“What?” he asks, voice laden with sleep, still disoriented. He holds the phone, carefully scrutinizing it. “I think I don’t know how to hit the snooze button.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I believe you’ve made that very clear,” you huff, tossing the phone aside as you flop back onto the mattress. The clock on your nightstand says 11:05 am, and you cover your face with your hands, taking a deep breath. “Next time, when it goes off, just wake me up and I’ll do it.”

Logan settles beside you, resting his head on his forearm as he watches you. “I’m sorry, bub. I’ll get you a new one.”

“It’s fine,” you murmur, sighing. This is your free ticket to be a menace. “I should’ve known dinosaurs and phones would never get along. My bad, pal.”

You don’t even get to see his reaction because he starts tickling you, the room filling with your laughter. Squealing, you try to wriggle away, but his fingers dig into your ribs, expertly finding your most ticklish spots. Your giggles escalate into breathless laughter, your eyes squeezed shut as you desperately attempt to push him away. He’s relentless, chuckling when his own laughter bubbles up. 

“L-logan, stop!” you gasp between fits of laughter, aiming to grasp his hands.

“We dinosaurs love tickling people. Sorry, sweetheart,” he manhandles you until you’re perched on his lap, fisting the fabric of your (his) shirt. Leaning forward, he captures your mouth in a heated kiss. “I’m sorry about the phone,” he slurs the words against your cheek, his lips trailing down to your neck. You tell him that it’s okay, trying to find a comfortable position on top of him, and that’s when his thigh presses against your core, your eyes widening at the unexpected sensation. Logan’s no fool, noticing the way your breath hitches. “What’s wrong, baby? You woke up needy?”

“No, I just—” you trail off as he does it again, his strong thigh coming in contact with your clothed cunt. You search for leverage by placing your hands on his shoulders, glancing at him. “Logan.”

“I’m all ears,” he rests his back against the headboard, the tent in his boxers impossible to ignore. “You want to get off on my thigh,” he states with certainty. It’s not a question—it’s a full-on statement. He knows what you want, what you crave. “Come on then. Grind against it.”

You do as he says, not caring to think twice. You start moving, rubbing your wet pussy against his muscular thigh. The friction sends jolts of pleasure through you, and soon, you’re whimpering his name, your hands trailing down his abs. Why hadn’t you tried this before? It feels fucking amazing.

From his position, Logan stares at you, his lips slightly parted, eyes clouded with lust. Your arousal drenches your panties, soaking through them, the fabric clinging to his coarse leg hair. He glances down at the mess you’re making, his grin widening as he takes in the sight. “Goddamn, woman. I’m gonna make you clean it off, I swear to God.”

“Need your help,” you whisper, lowering your head, the heat in your cheeks intensifying. The coil tightening inside you is almost unbearable. A kiss is what you lean in for, desperate for more, though Logan appears to have other plans. He fists your hair, pulling at your nape and yanking your head back. The roughness of the movement pulls a moan from your lips, your mouth parched like a desert. 

“Eyes up here, okay? You look at me when I make you come,” his raspy voice makes you feel tingly, each word sending shivers down your spine. His hands fiercely grab the flesh of your hips, guiding you, helping you grind harder against his thigh. You think you’re on the verge of drooling when you catch the way his abdomen flexes, working to push you toward that long-awaited release. “That’s it, there you go,” he rasps, relishing the sounds he’s eliciting from you, each of your gasps feeding his desire.

Time slows as the warmth in your belly finally erupts, your eyes fighting to stay open through the aftershocks of your orgasm. No actual words leave your mouth, just a string of whines and moans, some carrying Logan’s name. He swallows every single sound you make, everything you give him, grunting as your legs tremble and shake atop him.

He lets you collapse onto your back, your breathing gradually evening out. “I think I saw fireworks behind my lids,” you confess, your mouth dry, expecting Logan to flop onto the mattress beside you. But he doesn’t. Through your blurry vision, you contemplate as he positions himself between your parted legs, getting dangerously close to your cunt. “Logan, what are you— Oh, fuck,” you moan mid-sentence when you feel him pulling your panties aside to lick a slow strip through your folds, collecting your arousal. He points his tongue, dipping it into your entrance, and you wince, squirming. “Santa Claus, is that you?”

Logan grins against you, closing his mouth around clit for a moment. He then shifts until he’s eye-to-eye with you, two of his fingers sliding into you in one smooth motion. “Give me another one,” he murmurs, his other hand slipping under your shirt to play with your nipples, pinching them. 

You never imagined two fingers could bring such intense pleasure. You just lie there, taking it like a good girl, as Logan sometimes call you. “Please, I need you,” you cry out, your fingernails scraping against his torso.

“I know, darlin’. I’m right here,” he rasps against your temple, moving his fingers in and out of you with more enthusiasm. But what he doesn’t understand is that you need all of him. Your hands itch to touch him, to feel the weight of his cock. The corners of his mouth turn up as he watches you struggle to find words. “Wish you could see yourself like this. Such a pretty girl, so gorgeous like this,” his fingers keep grazing that bundle of joy deep inside you, and he goes in for a kiss, the sour taste of your slick invading your taste buds. “Tightest pussy I’ve ever had. Need to stretch you real good before fucking you with my cock.”

Bingo! That last sentence does it for you, and you come for the second time in the morning, your cunt clenching and spasming around his fingers. You hide your face in his neck, mouthing at his Adam’s apple. He hasn’t trimmed his beard in days, and it shows because you can now feel a burning sensation on the soft skin of your inner thighs.

“You’re allowed to break all my phones from now on,” you suggest, only to hear Logan’s laughter in your ear. He snakes a hand through your hair, shoving it back away from your face. You feel him kiss your sweaty forehead, and as you press yourself closer to his body, something hard nudges your hipbone.

Absentmindedly, you trace the waistband of his boxers with your index finger, your eyes snapping to his face. Logan freezes on the spot, and it’s almost as if he’s stopped breathing. Without a word, he rises from the bed, his movements sudden and almost mechanical. You watch him, puzzled, as he heads toward the bathroom, the intimacy of just moments ago being abruptly replaced by a dreadful silence.

“Logan, is everything okay? Do you need something?” you ask and he pauses at the bathroom door, his back to you. For a brief second, you think he might actually open up, but when he turns around, his expression is neutral, masking whatever thoughts are running through his mind. At last, he flashes you a quick smile.

“I’m fine,” he says, his tone gentle but distant. “Just gonna take a shower. Then we can have breakfast together, right?”

You nod, his words easing the growing sense of frustration gnawing at you. He disappears into the bathroom, and the sound of running water soon follows. You sink back into the bed, staring up at the ceiling. You take your pillow and bury your face in it, letting out a muffled groan. There’s something he isn't telling you, something hidden deep beneath his usual gruff exterior. Although you try to piece together the fragments of his behavior, they don’t quite fit.

The minutes drag on, and the sound of the shower becomes a distant, constant background noise. You close your eyes, visualizing your happy place, but your thoughts keep spiraling. All you can do is wait—wait for him to come back and act as if nothing had happened.

Logan’s right there, just a few feet away—yet in moments like these, he feels miles apart. It’s one of those days in which, no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to bridge that distance. 

It had all started with you asking Logan “Have you ever watched (500) Days of Summer?”

Of course, he had refused to watch the movie at first, and of course, you had threatened him with phoning Wade to let him know that Logan wanted to have a sleepover. That had done the trick.

You had asked for a day off at the bar, and surprisingly, your boss hadn’t objected. That turn of events led to this moment: sprawled out on the couch with Logan, the two of you watching the final minutes of your favorite film. Logan takes a long drag of his cigar, eyes trained intently on the screen. He’s only wearing sweatpants, which had caused your attention to drift from the plot a few times. The fact that you managed to sit through the entire movie without needing to pause it makes you feel particularly invincible.

Hey.

You again.

Yeah. I, uh, was just wondering if maybe after this, if, um, you— you want to get some coffee or something.

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sort of supposed to meet someone after this.

Okay.

“That poor fella,” Logan murmurs, taking a slow sip of his beer. You look up at him from where your head rests on his lap, a contented smile playing on your lips. His fingers absently stroke your hair.

“Just wait,” you say, pointing to the screen of your laptop.

Sure.

What’s that?

Why not?

Okay. Well, then I’ll just, uh— I’ll wait for you.

We— we’ll figure it out.

We’ll figure it out.

“They’ll figure it out!” you exclaim, but Logan quickly shushes you, his attention unwavering.

My name’s Tom.

Nice to meet you. I’m Autumn.

When the movie comes to an end, you’re met with Joseph Gordon-Levitt breaking the fourth wall, staring straight at the audience as if he knows he’s about to get himself into a mess with another girl named after a season. You sit up, your eyes eagerly searching for Logan’s. “So? Did you like it? I’ve watched it seven times now. Can’t understand how it gets better each time.”

Logan closes his mouth around his cigar, inhaling deeply before answering. “Yeah, it was pretty good,” he says, his hand finding your cheek, thumb brushing softly against your skin. “Summer’s a bitch, though.”

“I respectfully disagree,” you tell him, grabbing his beer and giving it a try, only to grimace at the taste. Shuddering, you set it back down. “Why don’t you like her character?”

“Well, for starters, she did Tom dirty. Played with him like he was a damn rag doll.”

You raise an eyebrow, hugging a cushion closer to your chest as you lean back into the couch. “He knew from the beginning she didn’t want to be his girlfriend. Summer was clear—Tom just though he was smart enough to change her mind.”

“They acted like boyfriend and girlfriend the whole movie,” he scorns, placing his cigar down into the ashtray with a bit more force than necessary.

Is your first argument going to be over a movie? Exciting.

“Logan, they weren’t even official.”

“But she made it seem like they were,” he insists, the frustration in his voice growing.

“They were in a situationship—the perfect example, really. That’s not the same as being a couple.”

His gaze dips to the floor, brows knitted in a deep frown. “I think you’re relying on the technicality that they never used those titles. I mean, they did everything together. Isn’t that what normal couples do?”

Lord have mercy.

“Logan, who am I to you?” you inquire, crossing your arms over your chest.

He hesitates, narrowing his eyes, the question clearly catching him off guard. “You are—what? I don’t understand. Is this some kind of mind game you’re playing?”

“It’s actually very simple: if someone were to ask you about me, what would you say? Am I a friend? A bartender?” you inch forward, holding your breath, your tone faltering slightly. Meanwhile, Logan’s hands tighten into fists at his sides. “A fling? Your girlfriend? You complain so much about Summer, yet you can’t even name what we have.”

The living room falls into a heavy silence. Logan blinks slowly, his forehead creasing as he processes your words. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because these are the kinds of conversations we need to have. I understand you don’t want to have them, but I do.”

“Fine. Then tell me what it is that you want,” he asks, his mouth snapping shut when he sees you snorting in response.

“I don’t— I don’t know! To know how you feel, if possible?” you stand up from the couch, taking the cushion with you. You grind your jaw, gnawing on your bottom lip. “Why is it that every time I try to touch you, you push me away?”

He scrunches up his face, mirroring your movements and rising from his seat. “Bub, can we please talk about this tomorrow—”

“No! You don’t get to make all the choices, that’s not fair. Deciphering you isn’t easy, Logan. I’m not asking you to tell me everything you’ve been through. I just wish I could know how you feel about me. I can’t stand in front of you and pretend I don’t mind where this is going, because I’m more than sure I’m falling in love with you. “

“You can’t. You shouldn’t,” he says, his expression hardening. He turns his back to you, running his hands over his face in frustration before heading to the kitchen.

“Well, what were you expecting?” you follow him into the kitchen, finding Earnest on top of the fridge, beholding the scene with a curious gaze. “You basically moved in here, gave me a free trial of what life with you might be like, and now you have the audacity to appear surprised when I tell you I’ve caught feelings?” salty tears start rolling down your cheeks, and you spread your arms wide in exasperation. “Oh, but you’re right. How could I’ve been this stupid, to fall for the damned Wolverine!” you laugh bitterly, expecting him to break eye contact, but he doesn’t. “You think you’re so bad, so broken. Guess what: you’re not, because I love you, and I couldn’t care less about your past. You may think you’re unlovable, but you’re not, you hear me?”

For a heartbeat, the world seems to pause. And so he says:

“You are the most exasperating person I know.”

“Wow. Thank you so much!” you retort, your voice dripping with sarcasm. You run a hand through your hair, infuriated. “That makes me feel better!”

“Let me do the talking now,” he says, taking long strides toward you, and the proximity makes you lower your head. “You’re not getting the final say today. Just because I’m not over-sharing my feelings all the time doesn’t mean I don’t have them! In fact, I do. I may not express them openly, but they exist. And I wish you could see inside my head! You’d be delighted at how much time I spend thinking about you,” you cackle at his words, rolling your eyes. His fingers grip your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. “There hasn’t been a single moment since the day we met that I have stopped wanting you. Your voice is like a goddamn radio that, no matter what I do, I can’t turn off. It’s like I’m infected by you, and I hate it!” his eyes burn with a mix of anger and affectionpur, his pursed lips softening as he continues. “No good ever comes from caring this much about someone. So excuse me for being scared of ruining the only good thing that’s happened to me in years!”

You hit him with the cushion—not with enough force to make him hurt, but enough to make a point.

“Drop it, kid.”

“I’m—” you hit him again, “not—” and again, “stupid. I know what I’m getting myself into,” as you attempt to raise the cushion once more, Logan takes it from your hands, throwing it on the counter. Your shoulders sag, trying to find the strength to keep going. “And I know for a fact,” you add, glancing at his conflicted eyes, “that the easiest thing for me would be to walk away from you, but I can’t. It’s too fucking late.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do! These are my feelings, okay? Mine, not yours. You don’t have the right to decide who I love and who I don’t.”

Logan’s eyes squint, scanning your face. “You’re… obnoxious.”

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”

“And I—I love you,” he confesses, his nostrils flaring with emotion. Opening your mouth to say something, you close it moments later, your gaze locked on his. “You could take what you said, pretend as if I didn’t exist, and I wouldn’t say a thing, y’understand? I would move cities if you asked me, because I love you that fucking much, and I want you to be happy.”

You reach for his hand, briefly intertwining your fingers with his. Looking at him through your eyelashes, you rub your fingers over his stubble. “And what if my happiness comes from being with you?”

Logan lets out a harsh breath, his arm curling around your waist, pressing his chest to yours. “I can’t promise I’ll be the perfect boyfriend. I’ll probably makeplenty of mistakes.”

“Fine with me.”

“And you’ll be mad at me. A lot.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure it’s mutual.”

Both of you laugh then, and you’re taken aback when he brushes his nose against your cheek, silently seeking permission to kiss you. His lips move hungrily against yours, trailing his hands down your spine, pulling you closer. He breaks the kiss and laughs at your eagerness when you chase after his mouth. You end up perched on his lap as he settles into one of your kitchen chairs. Logan stares into your eyes, his gaze drifting lower. “I won’t push you away this time. Not anymore.”

That’s your cue to finally do what you’ve been yearning for weeks. You fall to your knees in front of him, shaky fingers that graze the hairs on his happy trail. The bulge in his sweatpants is close to your face, and your mouth waters at the thought of having him between your lips. “Can I?” you ask, your voice a touch higher. 

He draws a long breath, tilting his head slightly. “You may, baby.”

You pull at his sweatpants and boxers, sliding them down his legs just enough to free his hard cock. As you take a look at it, you find yourself at a loss for words, the sight overwhelming. Nothing could’ve prepared you for the first taste of his precum as you envelop his head between your lips, that musky scent of his hitting you.

A whimper escapes you, and Logan hisses when you run your tongue along the slit, his hands gripping the back of your neck tightly. “Fuck, darlin’. Thought about your mouth so many times, but never imagined it’d feel this good,” he cants his hips up, causing your movements to stutter. “You can take a bit more, can’t you?” his question ends with a guttural grunt, his fingers tightening on your hair. “Gotta show me how much you want this.”

Logan takes all that you give him. You lower your head further, taking in another inch of him. Sex’s supposed to feel good, but this? It feels even greater. And he’s not even inside you yet, you hear a voice murmur in your head. The hand on your nape encourages you to move faster, and you sneak a hand between your bodies, grasping him by the base. You swallow around him, eyes fluttering open when he tugs sharply at your hair..

“Thaaaat’s it, honey. Just like that, want you to choke on it,” he grumbles, running his mouth just the way you like. The tip of his cock nudges the back of your throat and tears fill your eyes. You pull away to catch your breath, still stroking him as you regain composure. Logan’s gaze is intense, and he stares into your soul, his chest heaving. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Dick got your tongue?”

You’ll definitely get back to that joke later.

“Will you—can you—”

“Come on, beautiful. I don’t have all day.”

God, you love it when he’s mean.

“Fuck my throat,” you plead, your voice barely above a whisper.

A smile dangles on the corner of his lips. “We both know you can be nicer.”

The fucker makes your pulse race. “Can you fuck my throat?” you ask again, more insistently. “Please.”

He guides himself into your mouth, smirking as he watches how your eyes roll back in pleasure. “How polite of you to say please. Some good manners you’ve got.”

You whimper around him, your body responding to the rhythm he sets, fully immersed in the intensity of the moment. And for a while, you drift away, losing your sanity with each thrust of his hips, every tug at your hair. It’s almost impossible not to compare him to your past hookups. You try to recall at least a single instance when another man made you feel this way, but no memory surfaces.

Time seems to stretch and warp. You don’t really know when it happens—he pulls you off his cock, cradling your face, examining you. “You fucking love that, don’t you?” he asks with that sweet, syrupy voice, brushing away your tears. There’s no room left for embarrassment, so you nod, closing your mouth around his thumb. Defeated, Logan shakes his head, pressing his finger against your tongue. “I was planning on coming on your mouth, but I think I’ve got a better idea.”

In the blink of an eye, you’re in your bedroom. Not even a metaphor—he picks you up and basically runs to your room, closing the door behind him. You prop yourself on your forearms, trying to process what’s about to happen. Logan, already naked, climbs onto the bed after you, He kisses you slowly, tracing the curves of your body. “You still want this?”

“I do. I’m just… nervous, that’s all,” you admit, flashing him a quick smile. “It’s been two years of celibacy for me. Will it fit?” you ask, glancing down at his cock, and Logan stares at you in confusion. “Also, how many girlfriends have you had? Just curious.”

“I don’t think this is the time for that conversation.”

“You’re right,” you agree, lying back on the mattress, bracing yourself for what’s to come. “Were they pretty?”

“Bub.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up,” he replies with a smirk. “Focus on me, okay?”

Despite your tries to crack jokes at the worst possible moment, things escalate pretty quickly. Logan’s got three fingers inside you, pumping them in and out. He’s already made you come once with his mouth—to get you more relaxed, he had said. Wanting sounds slip past your lips as he doesn’t miss the chance to hit that spot that makes you squeeze your legs together. The tip of his nose drags long lines up and down the skin of your neck, mouthing at your jaw.

“I’m ready,” you mumble after some minutes, reaching for his cock and stroking him. “Let’s break the bed.”

“You’re lucky you’re this cute,” he says, catching your lips in a kiss. “Condom?”

“Negative, Sergeant.”

“You don’t have any?”

You shake your head, biting the inside of your cheek. “I don’t want you to use one.”

The way his gaze darkens doesn’t go unnoticed by you. His hand guides your face toward his cock. “Get me wet,” he commands, and you oblige, sucking him into your mouth. You hum around him, unable to contain yourself, and you hear Logan chuckling above you. “Can’t believe this is what it takes for you to shut up. Gotta keep your mouth full all the time.”

Once he’s satisfied with the way you’ve slicked him, he positions himself over you, caging you between his arms. Logan pins you down with his body, his hot breath mingling with yours. When you stare into his eyes, all you see is pure love, and your heart swells with affection. “Will you fuck the bad jokes out of me?”

Logan laughs, rubbing his length along your folds, grazing your clit for a fleeting second. “I sure as hell will,” he assures you, lining himself up with your wet entrance. He looks into your eyes for approval. “Ready?”

“I was born rea— Fuck!” you nearly scream as his head breaches you, your eyes squeezing shut. Turns out his fingers weren’t enough. “Fucking mutant dick.”

“You’ll love it, believe me,” he husks next to your ear. His arms shake where they rest on each side of your head, seemingly as affected as you are. Logan pulls out, and then fucks into you with a little more force.  “How are you still so tight? You’re killin’ me here.”

“I’ve got no idea, but you feel—amazing,” you gasp, latching onto his back, holding him close to you. His thrusts gain strength, and suddenly he’s bottoming inside you. “Oh, god. I can feel you in my stomach.”

“I know, baby, I know. Can feel it too,” he curls one of his hands around your throat, keeping you in place. From his position, he can watch the way your face contorts in pleasure. Lowering his head to envelop one of your nipples between his lips, he sucks hard. “You were desperate enough to get on your knees in the damn kitchen. You’ll be good now too, am I right?”

“Yes. Yes. I can be good,” you pant, eyes wide and pleading. “Anything you want. Just don’t stop.”

“I’m not stoppin’, princess. Don’t worry,” his mouth curves into a wicked grin as he drives into you again, this time even deeper. His hand on your throat tightens slightly, just enough to make you feel the pressure, grounding you in the moment. “That’s my girl,” he murmurs against your chest, his voice laden with need. 

Each thrust has you gasping, your body arching off the bed to meet his. Logan’s grip on your neck loosens as his hand slides down to grasp your hip. He squeezes your tender flesh, pulling you harder against him, as if he can’t get close enough. The bed creaks under the intensity, but you barely notice, too far lost in the rhythm of his movements.

“You’re perfect, all I’ve ever wanted,” he slips his free hand between your bodies to find your clit, and the moment his fingers make contact with it, you can’t help but whine. “So fuckin’ perfect,” you hear him repeat, more to himself than to you, his voice stranded as he tries to hold himself back, letting you chase your own release first.

The pressure inside you builds up, tightening with every skilled flick of his fingers. You’re sure you must look like a mess, sweaty and sticky, though the way he looks at you makes you forget everything else. “Logan, I’m—” you croak, the wind being knocked out of your lungs with each relentless thrust. “I think I’m gonna come.”

He picks up speed, snapping his hips faster. “I’ve got you, let go for me. I’ll take care of you, baby, I swear,” his pace becomes erratic, digging his fingers into the softness of your thighs as the headboard keeps slamming against the wall. Your body obeys him, a shuddering release tearing through you, moaning Logan’s name and gripping him like a vice. “That’s it, fuck, that’s it,” he doesn’t stop, driving you through your orgasm. His eyes snap to your face, contemplating how wrecked you look. “Tell me where—please, sweetheart.”

“Inside.”

“What?”

“I said inside. Come inside me, Logan.”

He’s not strong enough to deny you such a thing. Logan buries himself to the hilt, groaning your name as his cock twitches and paints your walls with his thick seed. Beside your head, his claws unsheate, tearing into the pillow. He ruts against you, his body trembling and writhing against yours, already apologizing for the pillow incident while pressing his forehead to your shoulder. “Sorry, I’m sorry. That hasn’t happened in a while.”

When Logan collapses beside you, he pulls you into his arms, kissing you eagerly. You return the kiss, wincing as you feel a bit of his cum slip out of you, rolling down your thighs. He stares at your glistening cunt without an ounce of remorse, and you close your legs. “That’s private.”

“It wasn’t very private a minute ago.”

“Logan?”

“Tell me, bub.”

“Knock, knock.”

He must truly love you, because he plays along: “Who’s there?”

“Ice cream.”

“Ice cream who?”

“Ice cream for you all night long.”

“Guess I didn’t succeed in fuckin’ the bad jokes out of you,” he teases softly, letting his head fall back on the bed. “But it’s fine. I’ll just have to keep tryin’.”

This is the story of how you end up dating a man who’s two hundred years old. But it’s also the story of how that same man learns to let his guard down and open his heart. So, remember this, kids: the sky’s the limit, especially when it comes to love—and yes, even when it involves dating mutants.

dividers by: @/cafekitsune thank you!!! :)

[deliicacymercy]

Hey! Can you tell me more of Angela? In any universe or all! I adore her!

ily mousey- BUT YES! I can tell you about ALL the Angela's!

NOTE: Very long character descriptions below! I want to make sure to get all the info dumping out of the way!

Also, disclaimer: I have a section called "Now look at it, its got anxiety" and this is more for the touchy subjects that are only referenced. Nothing that would warrant a trigger warning but I want to make sure that its transparent about my intention with the character, relationship, or story.

Let's go chronologically and begin with TRANSFORMERS G1!

Angela Winters is a woman in her mid-20s, who just happens to be the daughter of a ex-Military General. She was childhood friends with Spike Witwicky, until her family had to move due to her fathers military job. She began transitioning when she was in high school which continued into her college years. When she grew up into an adult and went to nursing school and by the time she finished up schooling, this would be when the Autobots and Decepticons have come to Earth.

Her father's new organization that relied on allegiance to Megatron and the Decepticon cause, one of the deals that were made was a "political" marriage between his daughter and any Decepticon.

Literally Megatron could have picked anyone - even the grunts, but choose Starscream. Just to fuck with him. This was definitely one of the moments where he almost jetted off from the sheer audacity of it. But, from the brute force of Megatron, stayed put.

Angela and Starscream had brief meeting which- was really bad. Starscream immediately denounced her and Angela couldn't even say one word without being interrupted by more declarations on she is "inferior" to him.

When the actual wedding began, of course the Autobots came to the "rescue" which led to Angela reuniting with Spike. He was very surprised to see his childhood friend which may have ignited a brief romance. This was short lived as, strangely, Starscream retrieved Angela claiming her as his "property".

After this, the two were officially "married", Angela and Starscream were able to live their lives separately. Sometimes Angela does attempt to contact or meet with Starscream, but these efforts are futile. However, when Angela is rumored to be seeing someone else - he is immediately territorial. Horrible dynamic.

Inspiration: Because G1 is so campy, fun, and unhinged - I really wanted to do a typical Saturday morning cartoon plot where there is a wedding. And, honestly a Decepticon wedding sounds so hilarious that it had to be Starscream as the punching bag for the episode.

Now look at it, its got anxiety: This is relationship is not a healthy nor even, a romantic relationship. Starscream treats Angela horribly in this universe. To keep true to the G1 Starscream, he does not like humans and he is disgusted by them, and this arrangement would infuriate and humiliate him. The only time their relationship was amicable was in private moments where Angela would attempt some kind of friendship, but these moments were fleeting, as Starscream wouldn't give in fully. He hates how now they are forever intertwined, especially when he is taunted by Megatron, or Autobots about his "human girlfriend." Just another kick to his ego, which causes even more resentment when she's around. Angela does not have feelings for Starscream, as she also gets her self-worth kicked around from the mistreatment.

Next is TRANSFORMERS ARMADA!

Angela, a teenage girl who simply has too much power. She thinks she's better than everyone and is above the rules and consequences.

Her relationship with Starscream is not romantic but it is toxic friendship.

NOTE: She's still in development as I'm watching the show currently.

Inspiration: Honestly, I was thinking- there isn't enough women in Armada besides Alexis- who is also involved with Starscream....but she's fucking 11. LOL So, I have made a Armada!Angela where she is this bratty teen who is a direct parallel to what Starscream could be. I thought storytelling wise, it would be interesting to explore a verse where the roles were switched since he becomes a hero while she will follow in line with his original incarnation.

Now look at it, its got anxiety: Unfortunately she deals with a lot of personal issues, whether that is with her identity and with her inferiority complex. The direction I am taking her story looks like it might be tragic.

Next, TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED!

Angela Winters, the ex-reigning Miss Michigan pageant winner. She is in her mid 20s and has been modeling professionally for a few years. Her dream was to be Miss Michigan and be crowned, which she achieved, albeit briefly.

Her past is hefty and mature in themes so I will have to go into it in a more "content warning" way. However, I can say that she has been able to achieve this high end life style of pageants and going to University due to having more wealthy, and older boyfriends paying for her. She would skip out on them once she was able to stand on her own two feet, especially once she won the state title.

Her prize was a cash prize that would set her up for success and a lovely new place all to herself! Her independence and happiness has come all at once!

During the first week of her reign, she was wrapped up in a sticky situation with Headmaster, as he tried to steal her away to be his girlfriend. However, during this altercation, Starscream had come seeking revenge on Masterson for stealing his body. Headmaster made his escape so Star grabbed Angela as leverage to lure him out.

During her imprisonment with Starscream, she had successfully manipulated his clones and his underlings, specifically Bruticus, to give her greater accommodations. She even convinced Starscream after a week to have her be an "international" security risk- so instead of seeking revenge from a dork, why not trade her for something you really need?

Angela played her cards right and Starscream was able to trade her off to the Autobots and the American Military. She was relieved to be back home and not destroyed by some Decepticon, and was ready to resume her life of luxury.

However, due to her imprisonment, she had to relinquish her crown due to not "fulfilling her reign." This caused her great distress as she had to return her prize money and title, and due to her age, she could not compete for the title again the next year. She was at the bottom of her life - her family abandoned her a long time ago and she abandoned all her friends when she began modeling. Angela was ridiculed in the news and she was outed by her former lovers. She became a hot topic and She had no one to lean on for this dark moment in her life.

This led to her wishing for nothing more than revenge, and mostly an outlet for her anger and resent- so she went back to Starscream swearing loyalty to him in exchange for a chance for her to have Earth for herself when he becomes Leader of the Decepticons. She had proven to be a valuable asset but she would become indispensable after she offers herself to Cybertron as Earth's Official Liaison.

Sari Sumdac had presumably had the role of Liaison, but she did not want the intense responsibility involved. So, Angela recalls her downtrodden circumstances and was able to be granted the position as full-time Earth Liaison after Megatron's defeat. This allowed for Angela to weaponize their incompetence when it comes to humans and give Starscream more advantages in seizing Cybertron with his own armada.

Sari and Angela became close, almost in a way where Sari thought of Angela as a role model.

During this liaison job, she would have many romantic interactions with other Cybertronians. This, somehow, would upset Starscream as now their partnership was getting more complicated.

There is a lot to their relationship and I will need to elaborate more on them later~

Inspiration: The original Angela, as in, it all began with her! I literally wanted an adult human woman in the show since there was zero. That's pretty much it, she was suppose to be a generic, very kind young woman who modeled - then after 4 years, she got worse. Now we are here!

Now look at it, its got anxiety: Her story is more "mature" than the other Angela's in terms of sexual liberation as well as agency.

TRANSFORMERS PRIME

Agent Angela Winters, a woman in her late 30s, and former assistant of Silas. She was a double agent, working for National Security.

Once MECH was disassembled and Silas was officially out of commission, Angela decided to take matters into her own hands. Due to her affiliation with the National Government and her awareness of the Autobots and Decepticons, she was able to create a contract that would include the small politics that revolved around Starscream - who she deemed as a easy target to neutralize the overall Decepticon AND Autobot threat.

Starscream became high profile to Angela as she believed that if she was able to establish a trusted-beneficiary relationship with the mech, then once she assisted with the Fall of Megatron, ending Starscream's reign would be easy. Thus neutralizing the threat before it becomes an national and international issue.

Due to her affiliation with Silas, she had to prove her worth and trustworthiness to Starscream and later on to Megatron. She declared her motives as being cowardice - she claims to believe the Autobots are weak, and humans are naturally weak to Cybertronians, thus Angela wants to be on the winning side without enslavement, regardless of what happens to the rest of humanity.

This would be a lie as Angela is the one fighting for humanity.

Due to her cold and calculated nature, Angela had been impressive. Starscream would have Angela become a sort of intellectual confidant - and unfortunately for her, an emotional one later.

Angela does not feel anything for Starscream, but he develops an attraction toward her that is misplaced in how he wants to impress her.

If Knock Out were to call this behavior out, Angela is quick to dismiss it as a misunderstanding, even though she is well aware of Starscream's feelings toward her. She simply thinks it would do nothing but impede her goals and cause unnecessary road blocks.

There would be a brief moment where Angela believed Starscream was "cute" - during the introspection into what Starscream really wants - in the midst of him being hailed as the Leader of the Decepticons, there was Angela acting no different than she is already. His fantasy was that she remains the same as she is now, someone that he wants to impress, even as a Leader.

She would not reside on the Nemesis as she had a covert location she stayed in outside of town.

Inspiration: The 2nd incarnation of Angela made, and the idea of her came when I realized that Prime is a show that takes itself very serious with its themes, so I wanted to reflect that in a new Angela. She has become stone cold compared to her counterparts.

Now look at it, its got anxiety: Not much content warning about her past the fact that Angela is a former interrogator for "High-Value Detainee Interrogation Group" (HIG) which is a FBI, CIA, and DoD agency specializing in Terrorist Interrogations.

TRANSFORMERS CYBERVERSE

Angela is a teenage girl who has had a fascination with these new Cybertronians she's seen on Earth, and this interest becomes something she desperately wishes to have a part in.

One day, a offline Starscream practically crashes near her and luckily she had collected a piece of the All Spark earlier and was able to revive him.

Starscream discovered that he can not transform to fly back to his Decepticon base, thus ensued a 3 hour complaining session which - honestly, did not annoy Angela as he trauma dumped, and she believed she was making a friend.

She develops a crush on the Decepticon as they have these Earth mini adventures, that allow for Angela to discover things about herself and her crush.

NOTE: This story is more or less just a original story but I'm using Cyberverse!Starscream.

Inspiration: Teenage Starscream gets a teenage Angela. Also I was listening to the Little Mermaid soundtrack and thought djsfaljk A tiny Angela would love to be "a part of their world"-

Now look at it, its got anxiety: This universe focuses more on Angela's transition cause she unfortunately is going through the motions of being misunderstood and alone through it. I just want to focus on the innocent nature of their relationship, so I'm keeping the story focused on it as more of a "Angela's crush" story. Also, just going to say now, this is not a ideal relationship nor is it healthy - they are not endgame, just a experience that Angela needs to have to discover that no matter how much she wants and craves companionship, doesn't mean she needs to settle for someone who treats her terribly.

TRANSFORMERS EARTHSPARK

Angela is a older woman in her mid 40s, she is serving life in Federal Prison due to her involvement in the War with an association with the Decepticon's.

During the war, she was a hired soldier and was apart of a human division with the Decepticons to handle the Autobots human counterparts. She was an Ace on the battlefield so her involvement caused many human causalities, even an Autobot causality that Angela caused singlehandedly, making her a notable threat.

Her role prior was a bounty hunter with her brother, and international weapons smugglers.

Angela and the rest of the human Decepticon division were also apart of the coup planned by Starscream to usurp Megatron after the war was won.

She is now known in modern forum as the "Woman Who Loved A Decepticon" due to the nature of her and Starscream's relationship being made public in court documents during their trials. She regards these comics and pop culture references to her as "reductive" due to the nature of painting her involvement in the war as a "love blindness" than something more complex to keep the war as something simple to comprehend instead of multifaceted.

This relationship that was developed between her and Starscream had formed over a mutual attraction before the War ended. This was noted in court documents as beginning around the time that Angela proved she can take down an Autobot on her own.

Angela was noted as hostile and dangerous during her hearings that at one point she escaped and was armed with a hostage before she was apprehended by an Autobot.

She was separated from Starscream for 10+ years, the last conversation they had was before the War officially ended as both were hopeful. At that point, it was assumed the two were in a relationship.

Angela would spend the next 10+ years in Federal Prison, where she would try to escape but be put in solitary confinement for two months at a time, causing irreputable damage to her mentally.

She was allowed to see a psychiatrist and be evaluated, which she did not see until 8 years had passed and she realized that she will rot in prison. The war was over...truly over. There's no rebellion or anyone coming to get her to finish off where they left it. It's over. And this is her life.

She confided to the psychiatrist her fears, doubts, and dreams. Her mental state was called into question as she was developing symptoms that would get worse over time.

When G.H.O.S.T started to work with Mandroid, Angela was brought in to their prison facility where they kept other Decepticons. Her mental state has diminished significantly and she was able to be used for the nefarious plans for G.H.O.S.T.

She was technically reunited with Starscream but she was...different. Very different. She was dangerous before but this is...

G.H.O.S.T used Angela individually to apprehend Dorothy, but Angela was subdued just from the shock of how many kids she had. Something that Angela confided in her Psychiatrist that she desperately wanted. Her mind started to become infuriated at Megatron and she set her intentions to take him offline herself. With this mental battle taking place, Angela was able to be subdued by Dot.

Dorothy made secret arrangements that instead of taking Angela back to prison or G.H.O.S.T. that she would be taken to a hospital to help with her mental detoriation.

Inspiration: I loved the fact that the show began AFTER the war, so I wanted to create a character that was directly affected by the results. Also to go more indepth with the effects of Megatron's betrayal.

Now look at it, its got anxiety: This is a character whos information will need to be content and trigger warned about beforehand because she does go into topics of mental disorders and effects of long-term solitary confinement on the human psyche.

WOOOOO! HERE'S ALL THE INFORMATIONS ON MY ANGELA'S!! Except IDW, but that's because I need to read WAAAY MORE to get that one right, but thank you all who read these in the mean time!! QWQ

If you have any questions or want interactions, just send me an ask or DM me!!

[writingtoforgetreality]

New World Order - TFATWS Rewrite Chapter One (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

[Marvel-Masterlist], [TFATWS Rewrite-Masterlist]

Next Chapter

Summary: You were an Avenger. That was how the world viewed you. Nobody else knew about your past & it was for the better. After all, you had Sam. You had Bucky. That had to be enough. At least for now.

Words: 6,214

Warnings: language, sarcasm, expect some sort of slow burn, there are hints already, this is a Bucky fic, which means that it'll focus on his scenes more, spoilers for TFATWS, (Y/E/C) = your eye color

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

You were no superhero. At least, you would never say you were one. Your past was filled with actions you regretted. None of it was your fault. It was not your decision to be the child of the leader of a HYDRA base. It was not your decision to grow up like a warrior. Fighting. Killing.

Your father was the bad guy. You knew that now. As a child, you did not see through his facade. How could you? He was your dad. Someone who was supposed to love you endlessly. Those years had shaped you. Into the person you were today.

Deep down, you wished there was a way to make you forget. Forget about your past. Forget about the pain. Forget about it all. Hell, you were a laboratory experiment. Those powers did not come from nowhere. No. They came from tons of needles, pumping a toxic serum into you veins. You should not even be alive anymore. Not by what now flowed through your body. Apparently, it was for your own good. That was how your dad put it. Absolute bullshit. Growing up isolated from the world, being trained to fight, to kill, daily. Your own good my ass. If it did one thing, then it ruined your damn life.

But at least you had powers, right? Blue flames you could control. Those blue flames that were hotter than anything else in this world. It took an awful lot of time to fully have control. Truthfully, you hated that part of you with every fiber of your being. It had been the cause of one too many deaths. You had been the cause. But weakness was not in your nature. If you did not show strength you would be a disappointment. Something you really did not want to be.

Bucky was the reason you got out of this life. He was the one to rescue you out of this hell hole. He was the one to show you an entirely different part of this world. And for that, you could never thank him enough. If it were not for Bucky, you would have gone insane ages ago. Who knew if you were still here today?

The Avengers were aware of your past. Of you being a part of HYDRA back in the days. Yet, you had never elaborated this any further. If there was one thing you were good at, it was keeping things to yourself. No need to burden others with your struggles. And you did struggle. Every single day. Because your mind was filled with memories. Memories you had tried to burn. Memories you wanted to erase. Memories of you being the bad guy. Just like your dad had been.

Your life changed when you were introduced to the Avengers. They did not trust you. Not right away. But during the fight with Thanos, the one after the Blip, you proved yourself to be worthy of their trust. Especially Steve. He had been there for you. When everyone else failed to believe in you. He was gone now. And it hurt like hell. Giving up was never an option. And the universe did not plan on giving you a break anytime soon. For now, you had to bury your feelings as deep as possible. Your focus should solely be on the new threats of this world. Threats, that seemed to increase daily.

“Bucky is an asshole.” you were on the phone with Sam & the fact that the super soldier had been ignoring him for a while did not leave a good feeling inside his chest.

“What a revelation.” sarcastic comments were part of your life. It was your way of coping with everything. Frankly, it worked. More or less. “Give him some time.”

“More time? No.” sighing loudly. “I have other things to focus on.” he was referring to the mission he was about to perform.

“You sure you’ll be fine on your own?” it was not like you did not believe in his abilities. Just, life had not been the same ever since billions of people came back.

“When have I ever not been?” you could think of a few times but Sam ended the call before you even had the chance to answer. Typical.

Luckily, Sam usually told you about his missions. And you were proud of him. You really were. The situation you found yourself in? With Bucky & him? Well, it was everything but good. Bucky called you. You called Sam. Sam called you. You called Bucky. A circle you kept alive. And it sucked to be their only way of communication. For now, though, both of them were too stubborn to change anything about it.

“Enjoying the Tunisian sun I hope?” whenever Sam went on a mission, you had him call you after it. Simply because he knew you worried.

“You know it.” in the far background you could hear him working on something.

“Is everyone alright? That trainee of yours? What’s his name again?”

“Torres.” he sighed, frustrated by your question. You had asked him about a million times & apparently, you still had no clue. Truth was, you just liked messing with him. “Redwing is hurt.”

“Naaaw, poor baby.” giggling slightly. That man cared more for a piece of tech than he should.

“Shut up.” okay, better not mess with Wilson if it came to Redwing. Got it.

“When are you coming back?” your voice turned serious again. Having him gone for so long did not stick right with you. Obviously, you knew he was doing it for the greater good. But still. “I swear to all the Gods, if you say when we’re done here…” mumbling quietly but loud enough for him to hear.

“When we’re finished here.” a chuckle could be heard from his side. By the way it sounded, you assumed Torres was laughing as well. Rolling your eyes at his antics. He could be such a child sometimes.

“Oh, fuck off, Wilson.”

“Hey, language!” Sam had fun. Yeah, you were the one cracking jokes all of the time but he could deliver, too.

“Okay, you know what? Bye. Text me when you’re back.” now, it was you who did not give him enough time to respond. After all, he would have clapped back with another snarky remark & you were not in the mood for it. At all.

“Steve represented the best in all of us. Courageous, righteous, hopeful. And he mastered posing stoically.” everyone chuckled at Sam’s description. Of him. Steve. Rhodey was standing right next to you. In that suit of his. The one that made him look way more approachable than you. No need for people to approach you. They did not know who you were before. And they sure as hell did not need to. It would turn things complicated. Humans did not like complicated. You did not like it. “The world has been forever changed. A few months ago, billions of people reappeared after five years away, sending the world into turmoil. We need new heroes. Ones suited for the times we’re in. Symbols are nothing without the women & men that give them meaning. And this thing…” he paused briefly, let out a short chuckle. The shield. “I don’t know if there’s ever been a greater symbol. But it’s more about the man who propped it up, & he’s gone. So, today we honor Steve’s legacy. But also, we look to the future. So, thank you, Captain America. But this belongs to you.” the crowd erupted into cheers. Applause was filling the room & you felt out of place. What was he doing? When Sam asked you to join him here today, he left out the fact that he wanted to give away the shield. The shield Steve had trusted him enough to own. And the people surrounding you? They…celebrated him for it? This entire speech was proof enough that Wilson was worthy of this job. So why the hell did he make that decision? Watching the shield being put into the showcase, you could hardly hold in the tears that formed at the corners of your (Y/E/C) eyes. Rhodey nudged you, sensing that something was wrong. Head hanging low, you ignored him, walking out of the room as fast as possible. If you stayed here any longer, Sam would have bruises for sure. Bruises caused by you. You would not risk that. Though, he kind of deserved it.

“Where’s (Y/N)?” Sam asked Rhodey when he finished with the press. You had told him you would wait here for him. There was no sign of you.

“Left a while ago.”

“What do you mean “Left a while ago.”? Did she say where she was heading?” why did you decide to leave? Had anything happened while he held his speech? All Rhodey could do was shrug. An explanation was not given by you. And he knew better than to ask.

“Take a walk?” Rhodey suggested, completely unaware to your weird behavior. The two of you were not that close. So he did not know you like Sam did. You were an adult, after all. If you wanted to go somewhere without asking someone first, then you were allowed to do that.

Disappointment was flooding through your body. Friends told each other stuff like that, right? So why did he keep it a secret that he planned on giving away the shield. With that action, he broke Steve’s trust & you were livid. If only Steve were here right now. You missed him. So much. Next time Sam met you, you could not promise anything. Because anger was all you felt. Anger & disappointment. Grief. But that one you could keep to yourself. At least for the time being. Shit. Bucky. One hundred percent did he watch Sam giving away the shield. Oh, he would be filled with hatred. Compared to that, you were only a small threat. Bucky was the one Wilson should keep an eye on. Well, he had been trying to get a hold of him. So far, without luck.

A gunshot blasting woke Bucky up from another night invaded by nightmares. His changed hair did not put his demons at bay. His look was different but there were some things he could never get rid of. His past. The past he dreaded as much as you did. Probably what you two had in common. Being part of HYDRA & all. His breathing was irregular & there was no way in hell he could go back to sleep. It was in the middle of the night & he hated himself for relying on someone else. But he would go insane if he did not call another person right now. If he did not call you. The only one who seemed to understand what he was going through. The only one who never judged him because of his nightmares. The only one who made him feel like he was a good person. Not the killer he once had been. When HYDRA controlled him. Back, when he was called “The Winter Soldier”. Would he ever move on from that? Grabbing his old phone, he did not overthink too long & dialed your number. One, he knew by heart. Because he had called you so many times. It stuck in his head.

“Buck? Is everything alright?” concern was present in your voice. Usually, when you got a call in the middle of the night, it was him. And you were fine with it. If he trusted you enough to help him with his demons, than you were more than happy to come to his aid. No matter the time.

“I-I…it’s just, ugh, I-“ still shaken up from his nightmare, you did not need him to finish his sentence. You had been in this exact situation so many times. You knew what he needed. Your presence. Your voice. Your comfort. You.

“I’ll be there in a few.” assuring him, you were already grabbing the stuff you needed & walked out of your apartment. Only one destination in mind. Him. “Do you need me to stay on the phone?” it was a simple question. A stupid one, too. Usually, he would not say a word until you were with him. But it felt right to ask him what he wanted you to do. Needed you to do. When he did not answer for a few moments, you guessed he only nodded, not realizing that you could not see his motions. Yet, he did not hang up. Neither did you. Your breathing was enough for him. At least until you were in his apartment.

Knocking softly, as to not wake his neighbors, the door opened almost immediately after. Squeaking ever so slightly. Taking in his appearance, you could tell that it had been a bad nightmare. No, not a nightmare. A memory. You knew that because it was the reason you woke up most nights as well. If it were not for him feeling miserable, you would have drooled by the sight of him. No shirt. Hair sticking around so beautifully. Eyes you could lose yourself in. But it was not the right timing. Besides, Bucky & you were just friends. That was it. Just friends. Though, you would lie if you said that you did not feel butterflies whenever he shot you one of his charming smiles. Whenever his body brushed against yours on accident. Yes, he did have that effect on you. Hell, that was not what he needed right now. Your feelings could be dealt with later on. Bucky was all who mattered now. There was no conversation. No words exchanged. It was enough for him if you were with him. A sign that he was not alone. That he still had you. Even after everything. Even after calling you, night after night, disturbing your own rest. Not that you got much to begin with but he did not need to know that. It had always been a mystery to him. Why you stuck around still. Though you had assured him thousands of times that you were in this for good. If he needed you, you were only one call away. And he appreciated you for it. More than he would ever like to admit. Friends. You were friends.

“So, Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?” another session with Dr. Raynor. Another dreaded session. It was stupid to Bucky. But there was no way out of this. He had to. Seconds of silence went by before she spoke up again. “James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?” what kind of question was that? A stupid one. That was for sure.

“No.” simple, short. Sufficient. Not for his doctor, though.

“We’ve been doing this long enough that I can tell when you’re lying. Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?”

“No.” what an answer to move this session forward. Clearly, he was not in the mood to talk today. Not even you were able to get his mind off of things. Though, you definitely made his night easier.

“You’re a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you’re not gonna…” her hand motioned stabbing. Awful action but who were you to judge? Bucky nodded with that look on his face that showed how completely done he was with this situation. Yet, she kept going. “It’s a condition of your pardon. So, tell me about your most recent nightmare.”

“I didn’t have a nightmare.” well, it was worth a try. After taking a deep breath, she grabbed the pencil, ready to start writing into that notebook of hers again. “Oh, come on. Really? You’re gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It’s passive aggressive.” looked like the two of them were going back to the roots.

“You don’t talk. I write.” Bucky sighed at that. He knew he would not get out of this.

“Okay. Okay. I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday. Don’t worry. I used all your three rules. Senator Atwood. She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier. And after HYDRA disbanded, she continued to abuse the power I gave her.”

“So, rule number one, you can’t do anything illegal.”

“All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her. And I wasn’t involved in anything else.”

“Rule number two?”

“What was rule number two?” his gaze drifting off, showing he thought about it deeply. How ironic.

“Nobody gets hurt. It’s a big one.”

“Then why isn’t it rule number one?” he did have a point there. No room left for arguing about that. “I didn’t hurt anybody. I promise.”

“And what about rule number three?” Bucky’s mouth opened, yet, nothing came out. “The whole point of making amends is to fulfil rule number three.”

“You know, you’re a cynic, Doc. Of course, I completed rule number three. I am James Bucky Barnes & you’re part of my efforts to make amends.” words followed by that smile of his. That smile everyone could tell was fake. Almost creepy. But efforts, right? It was all about the efforts.

“So, you did it all right, but it didn’t help with the nightmares.”

“Well, like I said, I didn’t have any.” Bucky Barnes, everyone. Still trying to fool his doctor.

“Look, one day, you’re gonna have to open up & understand that some people really do want to help you & that they can be trusted. People like (Y/N).” the mention of your name made his eyes snap up.

“I trust more people than her.” it sounded more like he tried to convince himself more than anyone else.

“Yeah? Give me your phone.” an order. Grabbing it out of his pocket to hand it over. A short look was enough. “You don’t have ten phone numbers on this thing. Oh, & you’ve been ignoring the texts from Sam. Look, you gotta nurture friendships. I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad…Oh, that’s not right. You called (Y/N) last night. Anything you wanna tell me about that?” closing the flip phone, she threw it over to Bucky which he caught with ease.

“What? Do I need to justify calling a friend?” chuckling & shaking his head slightly, he brushed his hands over his thighs.

“If you call that friend at 3 am, then yes. Because you should sleep at that time. Except if you had a nightmare which you claimed that you didn’t.”

“We just talked. That’s all.” he thought that brushing it off as if it were nothing was enough to get her to shut up. Hell, he had brought you up during his sessions way too many times. After all, he still wanted the situation between you guys to be subtle.

“You’re alone.”

“A minute ago, you said I had (Y/N).” he tried arguing but his attempts failed.

“You’re a hundred years old. You have no history, no family…” right, pouring salt in the wounds. That usually worked.

“Are you lashing out at me, Doc? Because that’s really unprofessional, you know? When did that start? Yelling at your clients?” she seemed to have enough & again went for the little book next to her. “Oh, the notebook. That’s great.” sighing deeply, he braced himself to take her more seriously. “All right, give me a break. I’m trying, okay? This isn’t…This is new for me. I didn’t have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little…calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years.”

“So, now that you’ve stopped fighting, what do you want?” he had an answer in mind right away. Never ever would he say it out loud. It took him a second to reply. Because what he was about to say came in union with his first thought.

“Peace.”

“That is utter bullshit.” what a nice way to bad talk his answer. Maybe she was expecting something else from him. Maybe she knew the answer just as much as he did. The real answer.

“You’re a terrible shrink.”

“I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies, & I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone…”

“Which I’m not because I have (Y/N).”

“…that is the quietest, most personal hell. And, James, it is very hard to escape. Look, I know that you have been through a lot, but you’ve got your mind back, you are being pardoned. I mean, these are good things. You’re free.”

“To do what?”

Wednesday. Bucky usually went to Izzy. Today, he asked you to join him & Yori. Why he wanted you there with them? No clue. But it was not often he asked you to go somewhere with him so you agreed on meeting them there.

“Take a look.” Yori was a cute, old man. Reading his newspaper like a good citizen. Bucky had yet to give you an explanation as to why you were here right now. But for now, you just sat next to him, quietly observing your surroundings. “Nobody made it past 90 this week.” it was funny, to see Bucky trying his hardest to sound interested. Like he understood.

“So young. Such a shame.” his words made you scoff. Apparently, once you hit the 100 mark, you turn into a sarcastic piece. If you were not one before. If you ever made it to 100? Only the Gods knew what would come after that. Most people called you a sarcastic asshole now. Could that be topped?

“You guys didn’t order the usual, huh? Feeling a little adventurous?” the woman behind the counter directed her words at the three of you.

“Um, actually, I’ve never been here before, so…” you chuckled to avoid the awkwardness that would sure as hell build if you kept quiet now.

“You should ask her out.” Yori leaned over to Bucky & you almost choked on your food at his words. Bucky asking her out? Her? Yeah, she was beautiful & all. But her? Really? Seemed like that Yori dude did not know Bucky as well as he claimed to. You, on the other hand, were aware that nothing good would come out if it. Besides, they would not even make a nice couple. Shit, were you jealous? Oh no. Glancing over at the man next to you, his face showed just how much he despised this idea. At least something.

“Mm-mmm…” shaking his head frantically, he shot you a quick look but before his eyes locked onto yours, your gaze fell down to your plate. Slightly embarrassed. Scared that, if he looked at you, he would notice something behind your look. Something more. Something, that you wanted to keep hidden. For everyone’s sake.

“He would like to take you out on a date.” oh fuck off, Yori. You had nothing against this man but he was pushing your buttons. Could he not see that Bucky was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of going on a date? With her? “Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle.” hiding your laugh behind one of your hands, you could not believe that he was serious. Bucky & bingo? Well, it was for old people so you guessed it fit quite well. Not with her, though. Oh no, you really were jealous.

“I’m really sorry about him.” Bucky apologized for his friend’s behavior. Yes, you were sorry for him, too.

“Why are you sorry?” of course, now the woman was flirting with him. It got better & better. Taking a deep breath, you tried to keep your emotions at bay. You could not lash out in the middle of this restaurant, after all. Even though you were this close to doing just that. Deep breaths, you got this. “I’m game.” sure she was.

“Wow.” really? Bucky was impressed? By this? Oh come on, why would he settle for less when he could have so, so much more. But it was not your decision. He was not yours. You did not own him. Neither did you make the decisions for him.

“Tomorrow night, then?” Yori leaned over the counter.

“Tomorrow night’s great.” she replied with a bright smile.

“Hey, I just remembered something.” you spoke up all of a sudden. Bucky’s eyes met yours now & he saw that you were uncomfortable. Though, he could not pinpoint why. “Um, I-I need to go. See you, Buck. Bye guys.” sprinting out of the restaurant, you hoped nobody would follow you. Not in the mood to deal with anyone right now. All you wanted was to be alone right now. Your mind the only one keeping you company. But your mind was not really the kindest to you. Not in this particular moment. So what? Bucky had a date. You knew that would happen sooner or later. He was a good looking man. More importantly, you just wanted him to be happy. Genuinely happy.

Fucking great. Who could you talk to? You still were not done being mad at Sam. And now you were mad at Bucky for something he did not even do. He sort of did. He could have said no. If he really did not want to, he could have said no. Bucky was enough of a man to speak his mind, you knew that. Maybe he did want to go on a date with her. What was her name again? Not that you cared too much. But still. Blinking away the tears that had formed at the corners of your eyes, you kept on walking. Without a real destination. You were stupid. Friends. Why could you not accept this? Usually, you would call Steve in such a situation. Or even Tony. But it was too late now. They were not here anymore. You had to deal with that sooner or later. Whether you liked it or not. Contemplating calling Sam, you eyed your phone carefully. One more button. But nope. The anger was bigger than the need to talk to someone. Stubborn you. Wilson could make you feel better. But you would most likely end up yelling at him. And you knew you would regret your words later on. So might as well stay silent for the time being. Until you calmed down enough.

It was 10 pm. Date time for Bucky. That same restaurant. Being the gentleman that we was, he even brought her flowers. Like it used to be back in the 40s.

“Well, if that’s not the most adorably old-fashioned thing anyone’s ever done.” Bucky felt lost. In her company. “Grab a seat, I’ll be done in a few.”

“Okay.” he could up & leave. It would not be too late. All he knew was that it felt wrong.

“So, have you dated much since half the fish in the sea came back?”

“Not really. I, um…tried the whole online dating thing. (Y/N), the girl who was here with me yesterday, she set up a profile for me because I didn’t understand a single thing.” laughing at the memory, he thought back to when he called you to ask you for a favor. How you laughed at him for wanting to try this whole bullshit. “It’s pretty crazy. A lot of weird pictures.”

“What kind of weird?”

“I mean, tiger photos? Half the time I don’t even know what I’m looking at. It’s…It’s a lot. When I showed (Y/N), she simply said that this was what I signed up for.”

“You sound like my dad.” definitely something a man did not want to hear while on a date. On the other hand, he did not even want this to be a date. “Wait. How old are you?

“A hundred & six.” only he could make it sound so casually. Like it was the most normal thing on this planet. Both laughed at his words. Simply because it was so absurd.

“What’s up with your big gloves?” a sensitive topic she just touched.

“I, um, have, uh…poor circulation.” sure thing.

“Hmm…Hey, what is it about this (Y/N) girl & you?” his eyes widened at her question. What was she getting at?

“She’s my friend. Why?” his dumbfounded expression made her chuckle.

“A friend, huh?”

“Um, yeah.”

“You sure about that?” an eyebrow raised. A questioning stare was sent his way.

“Why does everyone think I don’t have friends?” throwing his head back in frustration, he let out a long sigh.

“It’s not that.” she stopped briefly, thinking about her next words carefully. “Just, you guys seem pretty close.”

“Well, we’ve known each other for years.” he reasoned, gesturing with his hands to bring his point across.

“Yeah? And the looks you’re shooting each other when the other one’s not looking?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You two aren’t really subtle about this, you know?” she wiped the counter & did not even look at Bucky. He, on the other hand, started sweating.

“Subtle about what?”

“Oh, come on. Who are you kidding? I don’t even know why you’re here right now.”

“Because Yori set you & me up on a date.”

“And why did you agree?” she crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for an explanation from the man in front of her.

“I-I don’t know.” he responded truthfully. Because he thought it to be polite? Because Yori was the one who suggested it? Honestly, he was not sure.

“That’s what I thought. Look, you’re a nice guy & all but…just, listen to your heart from time to time. It’s late. You should head out. See you.” she turned around & walked further into the restaurant. Leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts. It was clear what she intended. Did not mean that it made this entire situation any easier. Bucky left without another word. Fresh air would help him think straight.

Your phone rang & you sighed when you checked who decided to annoy you. Bucky. Of course. But wait. Should he not be on his date right now? Did something go wrong? Not that you wanted it to but if you were entirely honest, you would not be mad about it either.

“Hi Buck. What’s up?”

“I need your help with something.” there was no hesitation in his voice. Just him being straight forward.

“Please don’t tell me you need help on how to get the girl.” it was your way to lighten the mood. You did that because you could tell that he was incredibly serious. Usually, this was never a good sign.

“Can I send you an address? Can you meet me there as soon as possible?” his voice was low, deep.

“Um, sure thing. But just to set things clear…I won’t join in on your fun, Buck. That’s between you & her.” again, sarcasm was your way of coping with emotions. Though, it was not the right time to use it right now. His next words were proof enough. You should not mess with him. Not in this moment.

“Can you be serious for a second?” he raised his voice a little. It was not much but it was enough to leave you confused. Bucky was not the person to yell at you. Especially not like this.

“I’m sorry…Um, yeah, tell me where & I’ll get there as fast as I can.” gulping down, you waited for him to give you more information.

Arriving at an unfamiliar building, you could make out Bucky’s form in front of it. Why would he want to meet you here? Where was his date?

“Buck?” your voice barely above a whisper. The night sky only illuminated by the moon that shone brightly. Providing just a tiny bit of light. Enough, to let you notice your surroundings.

“Thanks for coming.” you could tell that he was stressed, tough, you were not sure why.

“Is everything alright? Because I swear, if that woman did anyth-“

“No, she didn’t. Promise.” his warm smile was encouraging enough. It was clear that he was not lying to you. “Just…didn’t work out. But that’s not why you’re here.”

“Okay?”

“My last nightmare. Do you remember?” nodding for him to continue. “How I killed that innocent man?”

“It wasn’t you, Buck. You were being controlled.” touching his shoulder softly, squeezing it to reassure him.

“Whatever…That guy, it was Yori’s son. I want to, need to, apologize. Even though the apology comes way too late.” you nodded at him, your eyes meeting his briefly. Now you knew why he called you. He did not want to do this alone. No. He wanted you by his side. To support him through it. Entering the building together, Bucky led you to the apartment Yori lived in. His hand raised to knock on the door. Surprisingly, he did not waste any time. He wanted to get this over with. Understandingly so. No words were exchanged. You being here, with him, that was more than enough.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Yori opened the door, his face showed confusion by the appearance of you two. “How was the date?” you could not help but roll your eyes at the old man in front of you. Looking at Bucky, you were worried when you saw him having an internal conversation with himself. Mouth opening & closing again. No words coming out. Risking a look inside the apartment, you noticed a small picture frame with who you assumed to be his son. The one Bucky killed. No. The one the Winter Soldier killed.

“It was…It was good.” Bucky mumbled.

“Bullshit.” you followed after. None of them heard you, though. Luckily.

“Forgot I owed you for lunch.” Bucky handed him money. If you were not mistaken, this was not a form of apologizing. He had a hard time, though, that much was obvious. Afterwards, Bucky turned around & walked away without another word. Which left you alone with a confused looking Yori.

“I’m sorry for the disturbance, sir. Have a good night.” plastering on the sweetest smile you could offer, you followed Bucky outside. Jogging to keep up with the super soldier.

Back outside, you saw Bucky holding his little notebook in his hands. You knew about it. Because you were the only person he talked to when it came to his therapy sessions. A look over his shoulder could tell that his eyes were trained on the name being circled. His body was tense. That was not what he planned.

“It’s okay, Bucky.” your hand stroked over his lower back in a comforting way. Your forehead rested against his shoulder, hoping, that it would ease him a little. You could feel him calm down at your touch. “Give yourself some time.” you mumbled quietly, knowing he could hear you clearly due to the calm night. You just hoped that he would not beat himself up too much. Not more than he already did.

You were back in your own apartment. Still no words from Sam. But that was nothing new. Sometimes, he would go radio silent for a few days but after that, he would always check in with you. Maybe he figured that you were mad at him. For giving away the shield & all. And he probably was busy with work. The work he did with Torres. If he needed your help, he would call you for sure. Your TV got your attention again. Something told you to watch closely. So you did.

“Unrest, in the wake of recent events, has left us vulnerable. Every day Americans feel it. While we love heroes who put their lives on the line to defend Earth, we also need a hero to defend this country. We need a real person who embodies America’s greatest values. We need someone to inspire us again, someone who can be a symbol for all of us. So, on behalf of the Department of Defense & our Commander-in-Chief, it is with great honor that we announce here today that the United States of America has a new hero. Join me in welcoming your new Captain America.” the crowd cheered loudly & someone walked through the door. You could not believe what was happening. Please, this had to be a bad dream. When would you wake up form this hell? A man, wearing his suit, holding his shield, greeted the people. Looking at your hands, you could see small, blue sparks forming at the tips of your fingers. That only ever happened when you had no control over your emotions. Right now, you were everything but in control. Of course he had to wink at the camera like the sick person he was.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…” breathing out lowly, you put your head into your hands, completely ignoring the sparks there. You did not feel them anyway. If you ever met this son of a bitch it would not end well for him. And the next time you would meet Wilson? Fingers crossed he could deal with your angry & disappointed self. Because you were seething.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (04/02/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @taina-eny​, @tanyaherondale​, @cool-ultra-nerd​, @toribentleyva, @buckyandlokirunmylife​, @annadier​, @howlongtillidie​, @mizz-kraziii, @theetherealbloom​, @millenniumloki​, @marvelbros-oneshots​, @ajbwasnthere, @bilesxbilinskixlahey​, @mystictimetravelcolor​, @dbrees256​, @sxpxrnxturxl, @dreamydreamerwriting​, @dolllstyles​, @angelicastiel​, @prettysbliss, @infinitelyforgotten​, @sweetserendipity65​, @lilystilinskicullen​, @partypoisonsblog, @btdsprayberry, @sarai-ibn-la-ahad​, @deamus-liv​, @simplybarnes​, @sethcohenluvr (let me know if you wanna be tagged <3)

[ranhaitanisgf]

;; 𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎

otherwise read as: venti is purposely avoiding you for a reason

--

❧ masterlist

"Venti, hey-"

"Sorry, (Y/N), I have a show to go to! Let's talk some other time!" You inwardly groaned as he made another excuse.

You had been trying to talk with Venti for the last month, but he had been consistently ignoring you and making excuses. You weren't sure if you had done anything wrong, but it was making you nervous.

What if he hated you?

You were fine if he didn't like you that way, but you wouldn't be able to stand it if you had done something to make him hate you. You had asked Aether, Kaeya, Lisa, and many more, to try and figure out what was wrong with him, but they just changed the subject. They definitely knew something, and just weren't saying anything.

You walked to the General Goods store, making small talk with Blanche before buying a bag of apples. The most you would get to interact with him was when he finished a performance, and you would leave a bag of apples for him.

You watched him sing, and as always, he sounded like an angel, although you would suppose that him being an Archon could somehow be an advantage.

Before you left the bag of apples, you slipped a note in. You weren't going to rest until you found out what was going on with Venti, and why he was ignoring you.

Venti, meet me at Windrise tonight. -(Y/N)

--

Commissions had taken longer today, so you weren't able to meet Venti at Windrise until quite late into the night, around 11:30. You hoped that you hadn't come too late, because you might have been looking forward to this meetup more than you should.

But, as you reached under the big tree, you realized that maybe you had come a little too late. Venti was nowhere to be seen in his usual spot, and you frowned.

I knew I shouldn't have spent all that time helping Pallad... (this is a pallad hate account‼️)

Nonetheless, you sat under the tree anyway, pulling your legs up to your chest as you looked at the stars peeking out from beyond the leaves of the tree. It had been a long day, and you were utterly exhausted. Two commissions in Dragonspine, and two ruin hunters to defeat was quite a day in your opinion.

"(Y/N)! I was wondering when you would show up!" You jolted from the sudden voice, looking around to see where it was coming from it.

"Up here!" You looked up into the plentiful branches to see Venti, casually waving you over with a couple of empty bottles of dandelion wine.

You heaved yourself up, climbing the tree and making your way up to Venti, who had a small smile on his face.

Slightly panting, you sat down next to him, quirking a brow at him.

(for reference you guys are sitting like this but facing each other and on a tree branch cause I didn't know how to explain it, but ignore how this idiot is literally about to cut himself off the branch okay that's the only picture I could find)

"So...first of all..." You paused, taking a glance behind him.

"Are you drunk?"

"No! Why would you think that?" You merely pointed to the empty bottles of wine beside him.

"You really think I could get drunk off of that!? I feel offended (N/N)!" You flushed at the sudden use of a nickname, coughing awkwardly to try and hide it.

"Anyways! To get straight to the point, I know you've been avoiding me. Did I do something wrong, or something to offend you? If I did, I'm sorry, just please tell me what's going on." Venti's face faded from happy to what looked like a troubled expression. He sighed, looking at you for a moment before turning his head to the side, gazing out into the landscape.

"Venti...is something wrong?" You looked at the side of his face, trying to glean something from his expression, but all you could see was sadness and confusion.

"Are you in love with someone?" The sudden question made your heart beat a little quicker, and your whole body felt nervous, but you decided to answer anyway. You just hoped that he wouldn't ask more than that.

"Um, yeah..."

Please don't ask more.

Being in love with Venti is a confusing thing, especially since you knew he was the Anemo Archon. It was hard to know that someday he might fly away and never return; that he might go dormant for another millennium. What would your purpose in this world be then?

"What are they like?" He asked. Your eyes widened and you started to panic.

How am I supposed to describe Venti, to Venti, without him noticing that it's him?!

"Well, uh...they live in Mondstadt...and they annoy me a lot, and I always buy apples for them-"

Wait, Venti is the only person I buy apples for-

"SUNSETTIAS! I buy sunsettias for them, not apples...my bad, haha..." You played with the hem of your shirt, looking at Venti to see if he had any reaction.

"I see..." A slightly awkward silence fell, and you weren't sure what to say in response.

"Uh, are you in love with anyone, I guess?" Venti gently laughed, but you could hear pain laced in it. Your eyebrows furrowed; what was wrong with him?

"Yes." He suddenly turned to you, and you were able to see the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Venti..." You murmured. Your arms wrapped around him, pulling his face into your shoulder. You could tell he was surprised at first, but he eventually warmed up to it, his arms going around your waist and holding you. You could feel his silent tears against your shirt, and you gently rested your cheek against the top of his head.

"You didn't answer my question before." You whispered, playing with the hair on the back of his head. He could probably hear your heartbeat skyrocketing, but you were just going to play it cool, and hopefully, he would forget about it.

"What question?" He asked in a soft voice. You sighed, laughing a little bit at how he tried to change the subject when you asked him the first time.

"What's going on? Did something happen?" You asked. He didn't say anything for a good five minutes, but you didn't want to rush him. You weren't sure what it was that could be troubling him so much; he is an Archon after all, so was it something he couldn't fix even with that sort of power?

He mumbled something, but because you were so caught up in your thoughts, you didn't quite catch what he said.

"Huh? Sorry, I didn't hear you." Venti pulled himself up and took his hat off, laying it in between the two of you.

"(Y/N), you're the one I'm in love with." His eyes were cast downward towards the hat as he spoke, but as soon as you heard them, you froze.

Me?

You weren't even sure what to think; you had never thought it was possible for him to love you back. You had come to this universe looking for a new home, not to fall in love. You never would have imagined a future with somebody else, but here you were, thinking about him every night as you gazed at the stars.

"Venti...I-"

"The person you spoke of before, they're nice, right? They'll treat you like they should?" He cut you off, looking up at you for reassurance.

"Well, I would hope so...considering-"

"I need to go have a talk with them and make sure that they treat you well and don't break your heart, okay?" You started to laugh, wondering how long he was going to go on rambling about it.

"Hey, why are you laughing? I'm being serious here." You apologized in between laughs, before eventually calming yourself down.

"Okay okay, I'm sorry, but if you gotta have a talk with them that badly, then you might wanna go find a mirror and try talking to the reflection." Venti looked at you with a disheartened look, and you stared at him, waiting for him to figure it out.

It took probably a whole minute.

"(Y/N), you...?" You sighed, an exasperated smile on your face.

"Took you long enough you idiot." You leaned your forehead onto his, feeling a little confident.

He just looked at you with wide teal eyes, looking like he couldn't believe it.

"Hey Venti," You murmured, "-I'm sure you've figured out by now that I'm not from this world. Wanna know what I used to be?" A smile played on your lips as you looked at his questioning look.

"A half-god." When the whisper slipped from your lips, he looked at you in complete and utter shock, then he smiled one of the purest smiles you had seen. You looked to the side, trying to keep yourself from squealing.

It's too bright!!

His hand gently grabbed a hold of your chin and turned your head towards his before placing a gentle kiss upon your lips. All of a sudden, it felt like there was a wind current around you, and it felt like it was throwing your heart up in the air. The warmth that spread throughout your body felt like it could last forever.

So, this is what it's like to be in love.

He pulled away, and the wind around the two of you slowed down before coming to a stop. You rested your head on his chest, letting out a sigh of relief. This felt amazing; you never would have thought that love could feel like this.

Relaxing against him though also reminded you that you were exhausted from today. You might be immortal, but being a half-god meant you still needed sleep.

You could feel yourself starting to nod off, but tried to stay awake to be with Venti. His hand rested on the top of your head, his other arm securely around your lower back to keep you steady against him.

"Sleep, my cecilia, I will be here when you wake up." You frowned against him, trying to fight off the sleep, but you knew it was no use.

"Do you promise?" Venti gently laughed, his chin resting on the crown of your head.

"I promise."

~~

[yoonia]

About Time // Part 20

➬ Character | Jungkook x reader / Jimin x reader (feat. BTS)

↳ Type/Genre/words | Angst, Fluff, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au), Eventual Smut / 18,5k words

↳ Prompts | “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary | Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Ratings | Mature/+18 and up

↳ Warnings | mentions of alcoholism, mentions of cancer, (probably) inaccurate medical and law terms

↳ Author’s Note | This chapter took me forever to finish, but I’m glad that it’s finally out. I want to thank my girls, @randombtsprincessa and @softyoongiionly​ who have been hyping me out and yelling at me each time I came close to giving up and when I stop writing, and as always my second set of eyes, @theodea​. I hope you’ll enjoy this one as we slowly unravel the story between our characters. Please make sure not to miss the second note at the end of the chapter. Thank you!

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | Series Index: About Time | Next Chapter ⇢

Song Companion | Shah - Can't Leave You | Oleg Byonic - Wait For You

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

Subtle movements happening around me were the ones that had woken me up.

Whoever it was that had been moving around while I was still asleep, they had tried to do things stealthily, moving about carefully enough not to disturb my sleep.

But when a person had been stuck in one place for so long the way I did, their senses would easily become familiar to their surroundings the same way mine had. I didn’t need much to recognise the sounds that had been constantly happening around me, allowing me to identify the foreign ones when they appeared. I would be able to feel every movement, be it from any unanimated object or simply random movements that took place, and I could sense the changes in the air around me as it happened. So it was easy for me to catch their presence even before I had my eyes opened when they kept on moving, the low thud of their footsteps and the things they were moving around followed each move they made.

And then there were also the scents. It was his cologne that allowed me to recognise him without me seeing him. And it was a good thing too, because it allowed my heartbeat to settle down from its frantic pace and prevent me from waking up in fear, startled to find a random stranger invading my space.

I finally opened my eyes slowly. He was nothing but a blurry blob of a person moving around my room when I looked at him through my bleary eyes. The way he was still pacing back and forth around the bedside drawers told me that he had yet to realise that I was awake. So I continued watching him, blinking my eyes until the sight of him gradually grew clearer and I was finally able to see just what he was doing in my hospital room.

Of course, cleaning up my mess would be the first thing he would do the moment he got here, I wondered with a smile.

This man could never settle with a messy space. He could not even settle in patience without finding something to do, no matter how often he would complain or whine whenever he felt like he had been doing too many things at once.

I barely moved when Yoongi reached out to grab a bouquet of fresh flowers that had been left on top of the small table near the doorway. It looked new, and I had no recollection of seeing it before I fell asleep after my treatment this morning, so it must have arrived just a while ago. I saw Yoongi opening the card that came with it and tutted to himself, muttering low as he shook his head.

The moment I realised what he was saying, I could no longer stay silent. “Bastard? Did the sender really sign the card with that name?”

My voice seemed to startle Yoongi that he nearly jumped. He turned with his hand on his chest, looking almost ghastly grey that quickly faded when he chuckled. “Fucking hell, you scared me,” he said, tossing the flowers away. Though they only landed back not so gracefully on the table instead of into the trashcan placed on the floor right beside it, where he was probably aiming to throw them in before I caught him.

“Sorry,” I said, pushing myself up from the bed the best I could to sit upright while he handed me a glass of water and helped me drink. As I drank, my chest felt hollow. I had been in this place for too long that this simple gesture had become some sort of a routine. And that he had become so familiar with everything that he knew easily just what I needed. It made me feel relieved to have him with me, but I felt the guilt gnawing inside me just the same.

I hated feeling miserable and weak. And I hated it more to see the pitying look he gave me as he read me so easily. “Have you been here long?” I asked him before he ever had a chance to bring it up. Because there was no way he didn't notice it when he had grown used to my moods already. Thankfully, Yoongi had chosen not to say a thing about my condition and only shrugged.

“Not really,” he looked around, rubbing the back of his head as he followed my eyes to see the things he had been tidying up before I woke. “I wasn’t sure if it was alright to wake you up, so I tried to find some things to do while I waited. Sorry if I woke you up.”

I waved him off. “No, you didn’t. It’s just time for me to wake up. It’s almost lunchtime,” I told him, not that I was excited for lunch in any way. Not when I was not completely capable of eating properly. The blisters on my lips and inside my mouth had been increasing rapidly that I couldn’t taste anything without feeling pain. It had been coming and going, sometimes getting better after getting some vitamins or once I began drinking all those herb drinks Kara had been making for me. But whenever they came back, they always left me feeling miserable. And terribly hungry.

And hunger made me feel even more miserable.

If Yoongi had noticed the discomfort look I was making just by thinking about the food, he showed none of it. But he did scrunch his nose and gave a distasteful scoff. “You’re actually excited for the hospital food? Man, you’ve been here for too long.”

I scoffed. “Nope, I’m just excited for their pudding,” I said, without bothering to elaborate the fact that it would probably be the only thing I could manage to eat.

“Damn,” he said, shaking his head almost too dramatically. “I was hoping that I could steal your pudding while you eat.”

I knew that he was only trying to make me feel better, but that was enough to have me laughing. But only for a short while, because any kind of tension happening on my torso gave me pain. As I winced, my eyes fell on the flowers he left behind. It was not hard to recognise them. Jungkook had known me for a long time to remember just what kind of flowers I loved most, and he had gotten me the same kinds ever since we had been together.

Fresh white roses, mixed with a handful of blooming white baby’s breath—just like the ones I had in the flower bouquet that I carried on our wedding day—and with a simple white ribbon wrapped around the footstalks. He had known me well enough to know that I only enjoyed simple things, and it hurt to know that he still remembered everything to the T.

I didn’t really need to ask, but I could not help it. “Those flowers—Jungkook sent them, didn’t he?”

Yoongi clenched his jaw and nodded. “I heard that he’s making amends.”

I rolled my eyes. “No, he just promised to stay around. Be a friend,” I told him, to which he gave me a sceptical look through his eyes. “He wants to be involved but not so much to disturb my life or to get in the way of my recovery process.”

Yoongi started shaking his head. I knew that I didn’t have to explain things on Jungkook’s behalf or to defend him right in front of my friend. But what Yoongi did not know was that Jungkook was not the only one making amends. If he was willing to try and make peace with everything that had been going on, then I should do just the same. It was the only way I could do to let the pain of his betrayal go away and to be able to look at my future without any resentment of the past.

It may have been far too late for me to realise it, and I hated the fact that I needed Jimin there to open my eyes, but the only reason why I have yet to be able to move forward entirely had been due to my anger. Letting my resentment grow freely inside my chest would only blind me from the beautiful things waiting for me in the future.

That is, if there was still any hope for me out there.

“I was almost sure you’re going to forgive that son of a bitch again,” Yoongi finally said with a sigh.

“Oh, I have forgiven him.”

Yoongi sat back with a jolt. “What?”

Chuckling, I waved him off. “No, I meant to say that I have forgiven him, just so we could move on. It has been too exhausting to keep being angry. If he really meant it when he said he wanted us to be friends, that he wanted to support me, then I should stop being so hostile with him. It’s actually pretty relieving to not be angry with him all the time,” I explained, and Yoongi slowly relaxed, while I had to clench my teeth together at the memory of all those passing moments we have had where we were too busy battling each other instead of moving forward. “Not to mention, the last altercation he caused had hurt Jimin. I don’t think I would have any more to give if I’m going to continue fighting him.”

Yoongi sat in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. Sighing, he nodded his head after a while. “I still regretted not being here at the time to punch his face. Not to defend your boyfriend, but for stressing you out.”

I gave him a wry smile. Our relationship had always been a bit more cordial before this point, when we were just two people running a freelance business together. Back in college, he was nothing more but a stranger since we both ran with different crowds. He was more a part of Jungkook’s circle than he was in mine. But to have him on my side this time around, to have him as a part of my support system both as a friend and a second brother to me was gratifying.

“You haven’t been around much. I was starting to miss you,” I told him, making him chuckle. It was not a lie, I did miss him. His absence had never felt so strong before, but even with the overwhelming change happening in my life lately, I have missed his presence around me.

“And you really want me to believe that you actually have been thinking of me?” he jokingly asked me. “I thought you already have someone to keep you company. And I know that he’s been keeping you busy.” He said this while waggling his eyebrows, and I felt my face flushing with heat. He may not have fully supported my new relationship with Jimin at first, stating that I was risking my heart by being close to someone who was fighting the same battle as I was, but he seemed pretty okay with it now.

“What have you been up to?” I asked him. “Come on, tell me anything. I’m bored, and anxious.” Because the days were moving closer to the day for my surgery, was what I couldn’t tell him. Thinking about it only made me tremble in fear, so I tried to avoid bringing it up unless it was necessary. “Tell me that the world outside still exists.”

He gave a bitter chuckle. “Oh, the world outside still exists, all right,” he said, before he began updating me about everything that had been going on lately. Not everything in the world that I could keep up on my own through the news or the things I saw on the television, however, but the things around us that I had left behind. He updated on things regarding work, since I had left behind a bunch of unfinished projects on his hands when I got sick. I had tried my best to help him while I still could, until I had no more energy and he stopped bringing files on our projects to the hospital so he could stop me from trying to force myself to stay active.

Then he suddenly fell silent, just when I was asking him about what had been going on in his life. He looked a bit embarrassed for a moment, looking everywhere but my eyes until he finally took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m seeing someone,” Yoongi finally admitted. “It’s new and nothing really serious yet, so Hoseok told me to take my time for myself with—you know.”

“No, I totally understand. I don’t ever want to be in the way for you or Hoseok on whatever is happening with your lives,” I told him, before realising something else. “Did you think I would say something about it? Is that why you never said anything to me at first? You know I wouldn’t, right? You’ve done so much for me. I already told you and my brother that I don’t want to have you both putting lives on hold for me. I know Hoseok is starting to.”

And I meant it. I have noticed it for a while but my brother had never wanted to talk about it. Hoseok was starting to look like he was stepping back from living his life, as he struggled to be there for me the entire time I was battling my illness, all while he was doing all he could to help me get out of my broken marriage completely unscathed.

Yoongi’s smile looked a bit sad when he looked at me. “I know you wouldn’t say anything bad. You’ve always been so great when it comes to dealing with my relationships. I think you’ve handled things better than I had,” he said with a chuckle. “As for Hoseok—He’s trying to make up for lost time. You know, for all those years he had made the mistake of cutting you off.”

Shaking my head, I refused to acknowledge it. “It wasn’t completely his fault,” I said, surprising even myself for knowing how I meant it. Through all those years we have lost contact, I did blame Hoseok for pushing me away and refusing to hear what I had to say. He was the one who had shunned me when I needed him the most, but that anger was gone now. Just like how I had forgiven my ex-husband, just how I had forgiven Kara and my father, and how I was just starting to forgive myself for all the horrible things which had happened between us in the past, I had forgiven my brother.

“Yet he still blames himself,” Yoongi said to me patiently, defending my brother. “He still thinks that he deserves to be punished for his ignorance in the past, for not being there for you until it was too late. He kept telling me how hard it has been for him to forget that fact how he had turned his back on you. That you had trusted him and he had only let you down. I think he instantly regretted it when it happened but he didn’t know just how to reach out to you again.”

“Until he met you.” I gave him a wry smile, while deep inside, I was grateful for the fact that my brother had somehow met Yoongi by chance and reached out to him so he could become the bridge between the two of us. Yoongi had no obligations to do any of that, but he did. And he had made it possible for the two of us to reconcile, even if it had come a bit too late.

An orderly interrupted our talk by entering the room with my lunch. Yoongi stood up to retrieve the tray and took his time to set up my meal for me. After a while, I couldn’t help it, I just had to ask, “Why do you take such good care of me? I mean, I’m happy that you are here and to have you as a friend and a second brother. But you’ve done a lot more. Not just for me, but for Hoseok too.”

Yoongi avoided my eyes when he returned to his seat. “Because I really care about you, ______. And you also did a lot for me when I needed help and people were turning their backs on me,” he finally said. His eyes were dark, and his pain was visible when he looked up at me. “Back then, you knew my secrets and still didn’t run away,” he said, while my memory brought me back to the past, when I had met him again after a quite some time, after he had become distant to most of the people we knew back in college. None of the people around us truly knew then that his friends had left him when things were hard for him, and I had chosen to become his friend at the time because I knew what it was like to lose everyone because of all the choices we made.

“I would never turn my back on you,” I told him, while he only gave me a bitter chuckle.

“Well, most people did. They always said it didn’t matter, but then they couldn’t look at me the same way again.”

I bit my lip when I remembered those days. Those final days before I finally left college, when people were whispering things on campus. Bad rumours had always been easy to travel quickly, especially when it came to a person like Yoongi. “Did people ever find out? I thought nobody ever clarified the rumours that had been going around at campus.”

He scoffed. “No, but it happened around the same time I began cutting back from classes and partying, so I guess people took it as a confirmation to them being true. And I had no point or a reason to deny it. Especially since when the truth finally came out, it didn’t really help much to make a difference in the situation.”

I reached out to him and grabbed his hand. “It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? It’s in the past and you have grown far from that. And you’ll have my back as long as you have me.”

Chuckling softly, Yoongi gave me a relieved smile as he gripped my hand tighter. “Good. Cause you’ll have mine as long as I can help it.”

My heart felt full and warm with the promise that we shared, but at the same time, I also felt the weight of guilt brewing inside my chest as I said those words to him. I was grateful and glad for our friendship and knowing that we would be there for each other no matter what cause, and I had meant every word I said. But I couldn’t help but wished that I had been able to do the same and keep my promise to someone else.

I still wished that I had been able to do the same to another person who I should have never turned my back on in the past.

—Present life. Year 2018—

Winter break had barely ended when I returned to campus at the beginning of the new year.

The cold breeze still felt so strong even though spring was right in the corner that I had to tighten my coat while I paced down the slippery sidewalk towards the rendezvous spot. Taehyung had to repeatedly look over his shoulder to make sure that I was still following him close behind and that I hadn’t slipped away without him noticing. It was partly my fault that he got worried. Simply because I kept refusing his help each time he tried to hold my hand as we walked down the icy sidewalk on our not so sufficient boots. But I also knew that he could barely hold his own, which had been the reason why I didn’t want to become a burden.

Not when I was supposed to be here to give him the support he needed.

I looked up to notice that we were getting close to the east side plaza, where the largest park in the campus’ vicinity was located and also where people were gathering for the event. Loud voices and excited chatters were heard just when we were coming up around the corner, while Taehyung’s gaze looked both amused and nervous when he looked over to me for the last time.

He waited for me right before we went there. This time, I reached out for his hand and held on tightly. “You okay?”

“Fine, just nerves,” he said, shrugging, acting like it was no big deal. But I knew him, both in this lifetime and in the previous one, enough to know that he was blanketing his emotions and thoughts from me. And yet, I only chose not to push him too much about it and tried to have him think of other things instead.

“Okay, now remind me again why we came all the way here? Classes won’t start until the end of the month,” I asked him, just when a series of laughter was heard from the plaza. “And why the hell did they choose to meet up out here anyway? It’s fucking cold.”

Taehyung chuckled as he watched me wrapped my arms around myself and tugged me to come and walk with him, huddling close to keep our bodies warm. “These people are volunteers who are interested to join the spring project. I heard that they wanted to gather as many volunteers as they could get before everyone gets swamped with classes and assignments,” he began talking as he guided the two of us to join the crowd.

As we came up to the plaza, the place had already been filled with students, all wrapped up in thick winter coats and sweaters, all rubbing their hands together to keep themselves warm. But everyone shared the same wide eyes and bright, excited faces as they waited for the event to start. Everyone was standing together, facing the stage at the center. I kept on watching the people around us as Taehyung led us to the middle ground, all while sharing everything there was to know about the event.

This project was held by the local social acts group formed by students from the Social Studies and Medical Faculty, with some of Taehyung’s seniors whom he had grown close to leading the group. They always held their annual community service to help children or elders in need, and Taehyung had been involved in them a few times through the past year that he had probably grown accustomed to all of this.

Most of the work that he had done had mostly involved children, since that had been his main interest for his studies. But early winter, he had joined the service to provide coals and firewoods for elders and poor families who lived in isolated areas. For the past year, Taehyung had enjoyed doing this service and charity work because it had made him happy, it had given him a purpose and new goals to achieve, while opening a way for his future career.

In a different lifetime, being involved with this cause had only served as a form of escape.

And it was what had brought him far, far away from me until the day the bridge between us finally burned for good. All driven from the hurt that I had caused him.

“What’s the goal for the spring project, then?” I asked him just when he found us an empty spot with the perfect view towards the stage. The cold didn’t feel as harsh now as we stood between these people, but Taehyung still wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close to keep me warm.

“That’s what we’re all here for. The group always chooses their project from the ideas that they collect from their members or other volunteers, then chooses a captain to lead according to what kind of social service or charity they are doing. They haven’t decided what they were going to be working on this spring. Looking from all of these people gathering here, I’m guessing it’s going to be a big one. They’ve never had this many people being interested to join.”

“Maybe this is for the project that you wanted to sign up so badly before? The one they said they were going to send volunteers to the southern hemisphere?” I asked him, reminded of his wish to join the volunteer work that may give him a chance to travel to places while continuing his study.

Taehyung shook his head. “I don’t know. It could be. They haven’t really announced anything for that one either.”

I was about to say something, asking him more about this group and the organisation behind its cause, when a few people stepped up to the stage. One of the female leaders took the microphone and began to greet everyone who was present, applauding people who had come even in the cold. But I barely paid any attention to a word she said when I followed Taehyung’s gaze and saw him standing there with the other members of the volunteer group.

“There he is. Namjoon is always there with them. He’s been made captain on the last few projects that we’ve worked on,” he said, sounding almost distractedly as he watched Namjoon conversing with his friends on stage. I had to admit, the man really was attractive. His whole presence oozed confidence and his demeanour showed me that he was a smart man. Smart enough to be extremely persuasive. A dimple showed on his face when he smiled, and his laughter echoed through the stage, almost rivalling the MC’s voice as she continued to speak.

“Has he approached you yet?” I asked.

Taehyung shrugged. “He’s been a bit friendly, but that’s about it.”

“Is that why I’m here? To make sure that you would have someone to remind you to consider things before signing up?” I turn to look at him, waggling my brow to tease him a little.

This time, Taehyung turned to me and snickered. “Well, you know what they said. The only way for someone to avoid getting swayed by a handsome looking guy who happens to be an extremely persuasive man is to have your childhood crush standing right with you.”

“Whatever you say,” I said, chuckling as he tightened his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. Neither of us said a thing as we listened to the MC spoke, before she finally handed the microphone to Namjoon, who became the one to talk about the project and let the volunteers learn more about the system, the plans, and how to sign up.

We shared nothing more but a bittersweet feeling while we were entranced as we listened to Namjoon speak, holding each other the way we never could in another life we shared.

We didn’t only come here to admire this man or to only see what today was all about, but to simply find answers. To slowly connect the dots and put the puzzle pieces together to fill the blanks, just so we could lay down every part of that other lifetime for us to understand where did everything went wrong.

There had been parts of the past, faces and names of the people that had become a part of my previous life that I could not recall or draw from my jumbled memory so easily. I may have seen or felt their presence in those memories, but some of them had appeared in my dreams merely as blurry shadows, faceless figures, people whose voice only came to me as if they had been submerged underwater.

Kim Namjoon was one of the missing pieces of the puzzle that had caused a rift in my friendship with Taehyung in another lifetime. In my memory, he was nothing but a nameless shadow, one that I feared and hated almost as much as the painful parts I shared with Jungkook from the past life. It took Taehyung finding him to help me remember everything—who he was, what he had done, and everything that happened then—all the broken memories had been unravelled the day Taehyung had first introduced me to this man sometime last semester.

And the reminder of who he was had come in the right time, because he had already become a part of Taehyung’s life through these activities he had been involved in. Because just like how it happened in the past life, Kim Namjoon was the one who had convinced Taehyung to join their movement.

The only difference now was that Taehyung had me by his side. That Taehyung had not been wounded when they first met.

In the past life, Kim Namjoon had come into Taehyung’s life when Taehyung needed someone to look up to, when Taehyung needed a friend and guidance while I kept on pushing him away, leaving him in the blind and completely alone. In that part of our lives, the man had come in at the right time, right when my best friend was completely vulnerable. And he had eased his way in so easily, filling the void in Taehyung’s life, saying all the right words and showing all the right things to have Taehyung follow him wherever he would go. What had started as a good cause to give Taehyung a purpose in life, it had ended leading him to get involved with the bad crowd, to join the bad business that Namjoon was secretly building behind his gentle smile and manipulative ways of making people around him feel special.

Taehyung had loved him with his wounded heart, and he had given the man everything. Only to have Namjoon suck his heart and soul dry, before tossing him away once he was done with him.

And I was not there to catch him when he fell.

“So what do you think? Are you going to join this one?”

The gathering event had ended two hours ago, and now we were heading towards the coffee shop where I had been working part-time for the past few months. Taehyung had insisted to walk me there despite his dorm being located in the opposite direction, saying that he was worried that I would slip if I had gone alone. After all the trouble we had by walking through the icy road and the slippery sidewalks this morning, I had no reason to argue. And I also knew that he only wanted to spend some more time with me before he had to leave for his part-time job, so I just let him be.

Ever since we watched Namjoon’s speech, Taehyung had been left in a daze. He had always reacted this way whenever he saw Namjoon. I was never quite sure whether it was due to my warnings regarding the man or if he had truly developed some sort of a crush or perhaps grown the same hero worship that he had for the man the same way he did in the different lifetime.

“I’m not sure yet,” he finally said. “Even if the cause is going to be just around the city, I don’t think I can make it if they’re starting around the same time my classes are starting over.”

His reasoning had made complete sense. But deep down, I also knew that he was lying. He was conflicted. I could feel it. And he was trying so much to hold back from whatever it was that had been bothering him.

Once Namjoon was done with his speech and the event presentation on stage, he had come down to approach Taehyung while the other students had started lining up to join the cause. He had pulled us both to the side, persuading us personally.

“It wouldn’t be as tiring as the one we did last time. We’re only visiting some of the schools at the neighbouring towns. We’re going to give classes, lend some care for the kids, do some health check-up, while the group from the Engineering Faculty will be there to help with technicalities, like building new facilities or fix old structures that didn’t survive the winter,” Namjoon had told the both of us, pretty much summarising his own presentation on stage to make sure that he would point out all the compelling factors to appeal Taehyung. “You’ve always enjoyed working on any causes that involve children, so I’m sure this would be perfect for you. Not to mention, we’ll be getting extra credits for each movement we make this semester with the faculty supporting us through funds and getting us sponsors.”

I could tell that he was getting through to Taehyung when I saw my best friend watching him with wide eyes. But I had been focusing more on Namjoon, letting my own curiosity and wonder get to me. And for someone who appeared so open, so enticing, and one whose main job was to approach people, Kim Namjoon was hard to read.

My memories of him had been nothing but scraps. It had seemed that in my other life, I had no opportunity to know him in person as he was merely a part of Taehyung’s world once our friendship fell apart and we became worlds apart. This time, I had more opportunities to know this man in person. Still, the only things I had come to know about him had only come from Taehyung.

The only thing I knew about him was that he was a year senior from us, focusing on Medical Studies to become a neurosurgeon. He was a brilliant student, had always come with the highest grade in his year, and he had been active in great causes to help people.

None of that information had ever told us the reason why everything fell apart for Taehyung when they began doing all of their causes together. We only knew that in the past life, Taehyung had gone away with him to a place far away, never to return until everything had been much too late. We just never knew when and how, and I knew that this was the reason why Taehyung had been so afraid to take the risk.

“Remember what you said to me back then, before I met Jimin? Back when I was too scared to even go out and have fun?” I asked him as we continued to walk in silence. The coffee shop had appeared on sight, so I knew that this would be the only chance I could ever be able to say this.

“No, I don’t. What did I say?”

I turned to him. “You told me to be cautious, but not too cautious that I don’t get to live and enjoy the present,” I said. “I know you’re worried about the risk of getting close to him without knowing what exactly happened to you in the past after you got together with him, but I know that you enjoy doing these things. So just go for it. If you do it, I’ll be there to join you so you won’t have to be there alone.”

Taehyung smiled at me as he listened to my promises. I could tell that he was relieved to hear it. “You would?”

“Didn’t I promise that I would never let anything come between us? Not this time,” I told him, reminding him all the promises that I had made back then when we found out that one of the many reasons why our lives had fallen apart was because neither of us was there for the other.

I had made a promise that I would never let that happen again. That I would never let him stray away from my life. No matter what. In a different life, I may have left him to fend for himself. This life had to be different. This time, we had each other.

“Right, okay,” he said, nodding to himself while sighing deeply. The frown that he had carried with him ever since we left the campus’ plaza disappeared when he looked at me. In its place came a smile, and a pair of eyes so bright it made me believe that he would be able to conquer everything if he wanted to.

“Thanks for coming with me this morning,” he said, giving me a side hug as we continued our walk.

“You know I don’t mind it. We haven’t been spending too much time together lately,” I told him as I leaned to him.

For the past few months, both of us had been busy focusing on our own lives. While my relationship with Jimin was blossoming, Taehyung was busy tackling different challenges in his life. We haven’t been spending a lot of time with each other the way we used to aside from the time we spent when we went back to our hometown together during the holidays, yet another reason why I had wanted to do this with him.

Despite our busy lives, things had been completely different still.

At least this time, he was still there, and he had yet to disappear from my life. Even if we couldn’t see each other, all we needed to do was to pick up the phone and we would be there for each other even through the distance.

“We’re still on for tonight, right?” he asked me just as we arrived at the coffee shop.

“Absolutely. Are you picking me up here once my shift ends?”

“Yeah. I might stop by at the library to drop some books, but I’ll come to get you right after,” he said, before giving me a hug as he said goodbye.

“Alright then. See you later.”

I stood in front of the coffee shop for a while longer, watching him walk away until he disappeared right around the corner on his way to the daycare center he had been working at. The coffee shop wasn’t too crowded when I walked in, with the majority of the students had yet to return on campus after the long winter break.

But that soon changed the moment my shift began, right when the rush of the lunch hour started. Students and workers from the nearby offices came in, forming a long line only minutes after I had taken over the cashier. The rush lasted for a little over an hour, much shorter than the regular hustle that would no doubt begin the moment the next term started at the end of the month.

Even if I had been out and active since early morning, I served the patrons with a smile on my face. Before I knew it, the line of customer started to dwindle. By the time I served the last patron, my back was sore and my legs were tight, but something was telling me that I wasn’t supposed to take a break yet. So I stayed behind the counter while my co-worker for the day—the only one there since many of the other staff had yet to return from their holiday—turned to ask if he could take a quick break while there was no customer coming in.

“I’m going to take a quick smoke break, is that okay? We can switch once I’m back,” he said, already in the middle of untying his apron to avoid getting some smoke on it.

“Sure, no problem. I got it handled.”

I turned back to check on my phone once he was gone, taking my time to reply to some messages that I got from Jimin who was asking about my day and my plans for the night. I had just pressed the send button when the bell at the front door chimed behind me, but it took me a few seconds too long to put my phone away before a deep voice called out.

“Excuse me. Can I make an order?”

I turned around to greet the new customer. But the moment I saw him, my body went frozen stiff and my head began to spin.

I had never met this person before. And yet, I remembered him.

Each time I tried to reclaim my memories, there was a void where someone was supposed to be a part of. There was a presence that was constant in almost every part of my painful memories. Yet aside from everyone that I had remembered so far, this person had always been nothing but a shadow, a faceless entity that was there, but never completely solid.

But the moment I saw him standing there, right on the other side of the counter, waiting for me to take his orders, his face brought all the missing pieces together. All the blurry images I had been seeing in my dreams came to me in flashing moments, so quick, so random, but far more clearly than how they all had been. His face filled all of those empty voids. His face, his eyes, his small smile, they replaced the faceless man who had been there by my side through all of the hurt, through all of my journeys.

In those dreams, in those flashing memories that I had been getting, I could never see the face of the man who was holding my hand while I was fighting for my life. And at that moment, as I was looking straight into this customer’s eyes, his face was all I see being there by my side.

He was there.

He was always there.

“Um—hello?”

The man waved his hand right in front of my face with an amused look, snapping me right out of my stupor.

“Oh, uh—yes, hi. Sorry, what can I get you?” I questioned him, unable to hold back the nervous chuckle that came bubbling out. Thankfully, he only smiled.

“I’ll have a cup of espresso and a bagel,” he said, only after taking a moment perusing through the menu placed above the counter.

My fingers were shaking when I was placing his orders into the cashier machine, so I kept my eyes down to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake. “Right. To go?”

He hummed softly and looked around. “Um—no, I think I’ll take them here.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a moment to finish up his orders. “Thank you. You can take a seat or wait on the counter. We’ll call your name once your order is ready.”

“Yeah, okay. My name is—”

“Yoongi,” I blurted out before he could even finish. For some reason, just like how his face filled all the missing puzzle, his name just came into my head as if I had known him my whole life.

When I saw his eyebrows came up to his forehead, I knew then that he was just as surprised as I was. “What? Have we met?”

“Um, well—” I began to stutter while my brain seemed to just stop working indefinitely. So I only said the first thing I could think of as an excuse, “You’re pretty well known. I mean, my friends know you. I just suddenly remember your name.”

Well, at least that was not a complete lie. I was pretty sure that perhaps some of my friends would know him, and I did just remember his name.

He looked at me with a frown, not looking entirely convinced, but he said nothing of it when he handed me his cash to pay for his orders. “Right, well. That’s me. I’m Yoongi.”

“Of course,” I said, avoiding his gaze as I put his money in. “I’ll call you when your coffee is ready.”

His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds, filled with curiosity and probably a bunch of other questions, but he only nodded. “Thanks,” he said to me as he walked to the other side of the counter, leaving me feeling lightheaded.

Everything seemed to be colliding together right at the same time. The final missing pieces of the puzzle were coming to place one at a time. As if the whole universe was trying to shove everything to my face, though I really had no idea just what it was trying to tell me.

—Present life. Hot and Spicy Grill. Year 2018—

As promised, Taehyung had picked me up at work right the moment my shift was up.

There was nothing much to say between us as we drove away in his small city car from the coffee shop, since I was still trying to process the shock of having the unexpected meeting during work earlier while Taehyung seemed like he was having his own turmoil to deal with. He was silent during the drive, looking distracted but thankfully not enough to derail him from driving the car properly. But his silence had made it hard for me to question it when he suddenly started leading the car away from the campus grounds and he kept going further until the car entered the freeway.

It took a few turns before the sight around me changed, the suburbs getting further away behind us, when I finally grew wary and curious that I simply had to speak up. “Are you sure we’re still going to dinner? You’re not planning on kidnapping me, are you?”

Taehyung’s eyes grew wide before he chuckled. “Sorry, it’s a surprise,” he said. “Don’t worry, I won’t go crazy and take you to any place with no civilisation like what Jimin did.”

Smiling, I looked away from him when my face began to flush. I had told him once about the surprise trip that Jimin had taken me to—which I had to spill because I had completely forgotten to call him back that night after we had just parted way minutes before Jimin came to pick me up. I had told him about how Jimin planned out an outdoor picnic with a thousand stars above us and the view of the valley everywhere I looked, though I had to skip telling him about the ‘dessert’ Jimin gave me under the same stars which had sent me flying to heavenly bliss.

Judging from the sly smirk he was making now, I supposed he had made his own guess to what had happened on the date once the food was left forgotten.

As I looked out the window, I finally realised that he was right. He was not taking me towards the same area that Jimin had taken me to. On the outer lane of the freeway, I saw buildings and dense trees instead of hills and valleys. And to my relief, what I was seeing was the kind of trees I would normally see packed up in the city. The lanes were getting more and more packed with cars as we went further, so I wasn’t quite surprised to see him turning to the exit heading downtown.

“Sorry for the long trip,” he said. “I just found out about this place a while ago and wanted to check it out. I figured if I want to take anyone here to try it then it should be you since we haven’t done this for a while.”

“Aww—that’s so nice that you’re thinking of me. You are truly the best friend every girl needs. The man after my own heart. Or, in this case, stomach,” I teased him, earning his laugh.

It didn’t take much longer than fifteen minutes after we were out of the freeway before he pulled into a small spaced parking lot, and my gaze fell on the small restaurant that seemed like it had only opened pretty recently. “Is it a barbecue and grill place? Awesome!”

“Figured you’ll love it,” he said, turning the car engine off. “Let’s go before the place gets packed with the dinner crowd.”

It didn’t take us long to be seated. But Taehyung was right. Not too long after we made our orders, more and more people started coming in and the place was full within minutes.

“I hope this place is good. People keep talking about this place so I bet these people came from everywhere around the city. I don’t even doubt that we would see some familiar faces from campus,” Taehyung told me after taking a quick look around.

“I’m really hungry I can eat anything at this point,” I said, smiling at him. It really didn’t matter where we were or if the trip here had been worth it. It was spending the time with my best friend during all of the things that had been going on in our lives which I had been most excited about.

The tables around us had started grilling and Taehyung seemed giddy in his seat, looking excited as he looked at the meal with a deep longing in his eyes and he licked his lips at the roasted beef cooking beside us. This was something that I had missed, enjoying our time together and to see him loosening up. Each time we were together, I would look at him and wonder how we ever came apart.

How much different was it back then between us compared to us now? Would we still have this if I had never learned all the mistakes we made in the past life?

Taehyung was picking on the welcome snacks when I felt my phone vibrating in my bag. Remembering that I had promised Jimin to text him the moment Taehyung had succeeded in picking me up at work while he couldn’t, I pulled out the phone and smiled when I noticed that he had messaged me first.

From Jimin: Hey, babe. Are you out with Taehyung?

From Jimin: I’m taking a break atm and I thought about you. Hope he didn’t decide to steal you away from me :(

A smile came to my face as I was reading through his messages. I could picture him sitting down in the middle of his dance practice, all sweaty and breathless while he was typing these words. My heart jumped and it made me realise how much I missed him, even if we had only been apart for a day thanks to our schedules.

To Jimin: I’m safe. He’s not kidnapping me or whatever, but you did give him an idea of taking me far away from campus

From Jimin: Sorry, my bad :p

To Jimin: How’s practice?

From Jimin: These guys are relentless. I’ll probably wake up all sore and bruised tomorrow

To Jimin: But you love it

From Jimin: I do :)

To Jimin: What time will you be done?

From Jimin: We’re doing one more round of practice then I’ll be on my way home

Home. The way he had said it made my heart stir. Ever since we became official, Jimin had repeatedly asked me to move in with him. But I have yet to give an answer, thinking that perhaps things had been going on too fast. If there was anything that I learned from putting all the pieces from my other life together was that moving too fast could lead to a disaster.

Would I dare risk it and say yes? I knew that it was something that my previous self—the other ’me’—had wished for. I saw her dreams as some broken fragments of memories in my dreams, had even mistaken them as actual memories until I managed to decipher them as parts of imaginations instead, and many of those images had shown me various types of white picket fence houses. The settings and everything else around them would be a blurry mess and they had kept changing each time they came to me, but there had always been one part of it that had been consistent, an invariable factor from all of these dreams—Jimin.

“Is that Jimin?” Taehyung questioned me the moment he noticed the expressions I was making as I was messaging my boyfriend back, not realising that my mind had started to wander. “Is he still at practice?”

Putting away my phone, I smiled at him. “Yeah. That’s him. He was checking on me. Kinda. I told him that I’d be with you while he’s busy with his dance.”

Taehyung tilted his head. “Doesn’t he bring you to his practices?”

“No,” I said, snickering to myself when I remembered how adamant Jimin had been to stop me when I insisted to come to his practice. “Jimin said it’s better for me to just watch the actual performance. I think he’s still a bit embarrassed to show me all the process behind his work.”

Taehyung chuckled. Shaking his head, he only commented lightly, “He probably didn’t want you distracting him. Or worse, have his friends coming on to you while he’s busy dancing.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Both of us knew that Jimin had a bit of a jealousy streak, but not so much that it made me feel suffocated just to be with him, or to feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. The only way he had been showing it was to playfully complain or he would sometimes poke fun on me, acting sulky but never too much.

There was only one person in this world who could tick him off the wrong way. And honestly, Jimin was not the only one who was against this same person.

Looking up at Taehyung, I realised that he had never been kind to each time Jungkook’s name was mentioned. Out of everyone in my life, he was the only person who knew why I had to stay away from Jungkook. He was the only one who had heard all the stories, everything that I remembered from the other ’me’ and all that I felt when the memories returned.

Just like how I was the only person who knew what would happen to both of us if we would ever make another mistake.

Taehyung glanced towards the table next to us one last time, growing impatient while he was completely oblivious to where my mind had been wandering to. Watching him like this reminded me of how distracted he had been when he first came to pick me up, suggesting that something must have happened to him between the moment when we parted ways to the time he came by at the coffee shop. I had been waiting for him to talk about it, only to have him constantly acting as if I had yet to notice his odd behaviour.

“So how was your day?” I finally asked him when his gaze turned blank and he was suddenly becoming more interested in the paper napkin which he had placed on his lap. “You haven’t told me much about your work and your trip to the library.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine.”

That got me raising my brows. It was becoming more obvious to me now that he was trying to avoid talking about it. “Really?”

Taehyung looked up to me, pressing his lips before he released a defeated sigh. “I hate you,” he said, catching me off guard before he suddenly chuckled. “I hate that I can never lie to you.”

Smiling to him, I merely shrugged my shoulders the way he often did. “We’ve been friends since forever. If there’s one person in this world who knows you better than yourself, it would be me,” I said teasingly, before I added, “Second to Hoseok. Sometimes I wonder if he’s secretly your brother, not mine.”

Taehyung chuckled at that. There was no lie that he had come to grow close to Hoseok as we grew up together. Our friendship had started from a play date held by our Moms that happened when we were kids, only because our houses were located in the same block and I was the only one in the neighbourhood who was at the same age as he was. Then our friendship grew in elementary school when we promised to have each other’s backs, and we stayed close as we kept on going to the same school, doing the same things together growing up, then he stayed with me when I got sick and while I was recovering in the hospital years ago. But, as a boy, he had looked up to Hoseok as if he was his own older brother, and Hoseok had taken a liking to him especially because he had always wanted a brother.

“True. Though he wouldn’t be subtle if he wants to know stuff about me. He’d probably be snapping at me—Come on! Spill!” Taehyung jokingly imitated Hoseok’s tone of voice, which made me laugh when I saw his face and I could actually imagine my brother’s voice coming out of him.

“Seriously, though. What is it?” I asked again before he ever had a chance to change the topic around and avoid answering your question. “You came to the coffee shop looking like someone had just hurt your dog. And you’ve been pretty quiet when you’re not talking about this place and the food.”

Once again, he pressed his lips together. “Nothing much, really,” he started, though he suddenly grew restless in his seat and he began to look away, finding it hard to look into my eyes. He suddenly seemed nervous, yet I still felt a hint of relief when I didn’t see any guilt in his eyes, it would probably be worse if he was hiding something big from me.

“It’s just—” he said, clearing his throat. “I stumbled upon Namjoon at the library earlier.”

“You did?”

Are you sure that he was not stalking you? —Was what I had originally wanted to say, but I kept them to myself.

Taehyung looked down briefly before facing me again. “Right, so—he kept on asking me to join the cause and the rest of their spring activities cause they needed more people. Then he started asking me about my classes, the professors I’ve gotten this semester, before he suddenly asked if we could grab a coffee sometime.”

I blinked. He had spoken so quickly during the last part of his sentence that I wasn’t sure if I was hearing things right until it finally clicked for me a few milliseconds too long. “He asked you to go out for coffee?” I asked, to which he nodded. “Like—casually? Or—”

“Like—he just literally said, ‘Hey, why don’t we grab some coffee sometime and talk more?’, in a friendly kind of way,” he said, imitating Namjoon’s voice in his own way.

“What did you say to him?”

“Nothing,” he said, shrugging sheepishly. “I was kind of shocked and he only patted me in the back and walked away.”

I blinked again. “Funny how he seems to insist having you around a lot,” I muttered, before looking at him suspiciously. “He even came to you this morning while the gathering was clearing up. And you said he wasn’t interested to make a move on you.”

The waiter came in just then to drop our drinks and Taehyung took his time to take a sip of his cold beer before answering, “I don’t know either. He didn’t seem like he even noticed me that much in the past year.”

“How did you feel about his offer then?”

He raised his brows. “How I felt? Well—I certainly didn’t have all the goosebumps, the fireworks, or my heart beating fast cause I have no jumbled memories mixing in between the good and the bad, so—”

“Hey, watch it—” I warned him while pointing a straw at him. “No, I’m just asking cause it seemed to bother you a little.”

“It’s not. It’s just—” he seemed to contemplate his answers for a moment, like he was trying to find the best way to explain his trail of thoughts even while he was having trouble understanding it himself.

“I guess I was just wondering, why me?” he finally said. “I mean, I kind of understand why he would be approaching me—another ’me’—in the alter life. It must have been compelling to come on to someone who seemed broken and lost and I had probably seen him as my saviour, the light of my life after the darkness, the white knight.”

His overly dramatic expression had you raising your brows. “He’s kind of a heartthrob too.”

“Yeah—” he hummed. “I won’t even deny the fact that he’s attractive. But normal me? This me? I wouldn’t have picked him as the type of guy I’d be dating if I would—” he stopped and started glancing around, as if he was afraid that someone might be listening in. “You know.”

And I did know what he was trying to tell me. For someone who had been open about his sexual preferences, he was still wary about the world around us, not too sure on how they would perceive him.

He leaned back on his seat when he added, “He seems so put together too. But after knowing what would have happened if I had just let things be, I can somehow look past his false act of composure and find him seem a bit unhinged.”

“Seriously?” I questioned him, laughing. “Unhinged? Have you been reading criminal fiction novels in your Psych classes?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

I laughed at him, but then stopped myself as I watched him closely. While a part of me was relieved that he believed me enough to tread things carefully, I was also feeling the guilt for allowing him to build his own boundaries by giving him all the warnings on what was supposed to be our future. Even though he was giving it the best he could, I still worried that he might not be living his life to the fullest potential just because he was afraid to make any decision that could lead to the end of our friendship.

Taehyung looked at me when I fell silent. “What? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Sighing, I had no choice but to share my thoughts on this. “Just wondering if I’ve made the right decision on letting you know about your supposed future. What if my memories had been wrong this whole time and it wasn’t Namjoon that I saw? What if he’s just a good guy with his mind on his good cause who happens to have an innocent crush on my best friend?”

Taehyung seemed to ponder on it briefly before shaking his head. “I’ve been talking shit and making long speeches about you risking things by not staying away from this dude who had supposedly ruined your life and your trust to other human beings—”

I rolled my eyes. “His name is Jungkook.”

But he continued on, ignoring me completely. “—so I’ve decided not to risk mine. Second chances, remember?”

His words made me stop. I bit my lip and nodded. “Second chances.”

Taehyung gave me a grim smile when he nodded back, but it also appeared to me that there was a huge weight being pulled away from his shoulders. As if being honest with each other had been freeing for him, something that I was feeling too.

Noticing that our meal order had yet to arrive at our table, Taehyung looked around and pushed himself out of his seat. “The food’s going to be here any minute but I’m going to need the restrooms. I’ll be right back,” he said, before he left his seat to make a quick run to the restrooms at the back.

I watched him leave just in time for my phone to vibrate in my hand. I looked down, opening the messaging app immediately for thinking that Jimin had texted some more before his practice would start again, only to stop when I saw Jungkook’s name flashing on the screen instead.

From Jungkook: Hey, I hope I’m not texting you with your boyfriend around :p

From Jungkook: It’s been a while since I’ve seen you at the pub

From Jungkook: Is everything okay?

Biting my lips, I looked over to where I saw Taehyung had disappeared to and breathed a sigh of relief that the message had come in while he was gone. Taehyung would have only needed to take one look at my face before he would start asking questions, including why I had been texting with Jungkook from time to time.

To Jungkook: everything’s fine

To Jungkook: Been a bit busy, that’s all. How are you?

From Jungkook: doing okay

From Jungkook: I’m finally back on campus and I just got my schedules at the pub. Will be performing on stage next Friday night

From Jungkook: Will you come?

I lowered the phone to my lap, having no idea how to respond. While most of our texts had been about keeping up with each other’s lives, there had been a few times when he would invite me to his show at the pub. I had only come to watch him a couple of times, most of them without even saying hello to him directly and leaving before giving him a chance to sit with me. I knew it was wrong to keep in touch and talk to him like this after what I had promised my best friend before, but it had not been easy for me to ignore him.

And he was not someone who would give up so easily either that ignoring his text messages was never a choice. Not when he would often try to find me or even call me until he could talk to me.

From Jungkook: ________?

Another message came in, letting me know that he was waiting for my response. Biting my lip, I pondered over the options. What was I supposed to say? And would he be happy to hear what my answers if I had refused to come?

And why on earth was I already wondering what clothes to wear for the night at the pub?

To Jungkook: Sorry

To Jungkook: I’ll try to be there. What time?

From Jungkook: the second stage of the night. 8 PM

From Jungkook: I’ll be waiting :)

Reading through his response, my stomach turned and my chest grew tight with guilt. There was no way out of this now. And I really had no idea what I was doing either, knowing that Friday night would be the night I would usually come to stay at Jimin’s place so we could spend the weekend together.

“Fuck,” I cursed at myself, before tossing my phone into my bag to avoid looking through his messages again.

The meal we ordered had just arrived at the table when Taehyung returned, with the waiter apologising to the two of us repeatedly about the long wait, explaining to us overwhelmed they were as the restaurant was a full house for the night. As Taehyung returned to his seat, the waiter walked away from our table, and my eyes were drawn to follow him as he weaved through the floor between the tables to return to the kitchen area.

That was when I saw him. His head bobbing over the other seated guests as he walked across the room until he found the table that seemed to have been reserved for him.

“What?” Taehyung questioned me when he noticed, his voice drawing my attention when I was still looking far away. “What is it?” he asked again when he got no answer, then he began looking around the seating area to find what I was looking at.

“I saw someone. From campus. Though it seems a bit odd that he had come all the way to this place to eat,” I said, disregarding the fact that it had been the same case for us since Taehyung and I had driven far to be there too. “There, he’s on the table at the corner. Wearing a black shirt and a black cap.”

He followed the direction I was subtly pointing to, taking a few seconds before his eyes grew with recognition when he finally found Yoongi at the other side of the restaurant.

“You know him?” he asked, raising his brows at me when he turned to me again. “I thought the only people you know on campus are just me, Jimin, and his cousin.”

“Ha, ha, funny,” I sneered at him while rolling my eyes while he enjoyed having been able to mock me about it. But then my eyes went back to his table, seeing Yoongi with another man who looked like him, but a bit older.

“He came to the coffee shop earlier today on my shift,” I told him, finding him looking at Yoongi again as if he wanted to make sure. “You know who he is?”

He turned back to you with wide eyes. “Min Yoongi? Everyone knows him. He’s pretty popular among the frat boys. He’s always leading his friends on the stuff they always organise in their frat houses, though he hasn’t really been in the scene that much lately.”

“And you have?”

He scoffed at me. “Hey, unlike you, I still have a reputation to uphold,” he teased me, snickering when I gave him a scowl. “My dorm mate gets invited to their parties a lot and I always go with him when I can.”

I looked over to Yoongi again, noticing the broody look that he was wearing even as he was chatting with his companion. His brother, more likely, since they looked pretty similar from this distance. Except that when Yoongi was wearing a dark shirt, his brother was wearing something lighter and a bit too formal for a grill house. “So, why hasn’t he been around?”

“Seems like he’s graduating this year, and rumours said he had already taken a job at his brother’s company so he no longer spends much time on campus unless necessary,” he explained slowly before he began glancing around warily the way he did previously. “But, um—there’s also this rumour going around.”

I snapped my head to look at him. “What kind of rumour?”

Taehyung took another quick glance at Yoongi before leaning closer so he could whisper, “Someone said they caught him kissing a TA. A male TA. It happened at a dorm party.”

My eyes grew instantly wide and I had to lean closer as I whispered angrily, “And people just—what? Stay away from him?”

Taehyung shrugged. “I’m not sure, but it seems like his friends are beginning to dwindle. I don’t think it’s because they’re afraid of the repercussions from sticking around or if it’s because there’s a possibility that he’s queer if the rumours are true, it’s just—” he swallowed hard, looking sympathetic as he glanced one more time towards Yoongi’s table before looking at me again, and I knew that the look he was giving me was there only due to the fact that he had once been in his shoes. “He’s been hiding this for so long, if it’s really true. Maybe they’re just pissed cause he’s been keeping a secret. You know how those frat boys are, they hold secrets like a treasure.”

They sure did.

Because according to one of my strongest memories of all, one of the biggest secrets that had been painful enough for me to remember from my past life was how Jungkook’s friends had also had a hand in hiding his sins from me.

Shaking my head, I chose to look away from Yoongi. “Still seems so stupid to just turn their backs on him like that just because of some rumours,” I wondered out loud, when the bitter truth of how he was left abandoned by the same people who were supposed to support him through it truly sunk in.

“It makes you think. Doesn’t it?” he asked me, though it sounded more like he was wondering out loud just like I was.

“About what?” I asked him.

“How you can’t always depend on others to stay in your life forever,” he said to me with an as-matter-factly tone, though it also sounded bitter, because he had experienced it too. Meeting his eyes, I was suddenly glad that I had been able to show him that he deserved the kind of support he needed too.

As we continued with our dinner, talking about all the silly and mundane things from our daily lives, I couldn’t shake the nagging thought still hanging in the back of my head. Too many coincidences happening on the same day. Right at that moment, just when I recounted that I had met Yoongi coincidentally twice in the same day after not being able to remember him for so long, something in my head clicked.

I just didn’t know what to do about it. And I had no idea how I could make it all possible to even happen.

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

As the final weeks before the surgery slowly started creeping up on me, I was slowly becoming a complete nervous wreck.

The fact that I was having an on and off fever also did not help my case at all. I was feeling like crap, was constantly exhausted, without knowing if the reason I kept on falling asleep was due to the overwhelming dose of painkillers that still remained in my blood or if my body had succumbed to the lingering pain that had only been intensifying, as if the masses in my body knew that they were about to be torn to pieces and they were giving their last fight.

My family, which mainly included Hoseok and Kara with the additional help from Yoongi, had been coming and going to stay with me and nurse me whenever needed. I knew that they were trying to ease my mind by staying positive whenever they were around, lifting my spirit while distracting me with things that they knew would make me happy. They would do everything they could, from bringing me movies, books, sometimes food or snacks that I could take without breaking the doctors’ rules and ones that I could swallow easily, to telling me stories or life updates that would be able to stop me from thinking about all the negative things I was facing.

But as the days were coming closer to the day of the surgery, not a single thing could help ease my mind. It was then when I finally realised that the fear had never truly sunk in, and it was only then that my brain was finally processing the fact that I was about to face a high-risk procedure that—according to some of the things I had been reading while I was preparing for it—also had a high chance of failure. And every illusion that I had let itself grow inside my mind, the false hope and optimism shattered like a glass wall and I was faced with the reality that perhaps all of what I was about to go through would be nothing but a fruitless attempt of getting me out of my bind.

It was even worse because I also knew that the people around me were doing all they could to hide the fact that Jimin had been absent.

The emptiness I felt without him there had seemed like a void, a black hole that was growing larger inside me, as if it would be strong enough to swallow me from within. That was when I realised how much I needed him, and I could never imagine how life would be if I no longer had him by my side.

The last time I came to see him, he had been recovering from a long day of tests and treatments, and I had stayed in his room until he was feeling better, only after I had made sure that he was strong enough to go through the days without constantly being under watch.

Not too long after we parted ways, I was getting prepared for the surgery that I was no longer allowed to leave the room or to roam the hospital as freely as I had before. Though the reason why I had not been able to come and see him was not only due to the restrictions given to me, but also because my body had simply given up. I had no energy, and the pain was getting too unbearable as I was getting less painkillers to allow my body to take in more of my new meds.

The last time I saw him again was when I was under heavy medication. I was having a high fever that day and I heard his voice talking to my brother and the residing nurse to ask about my condition. I felt him holding my hand and kissing my forehead each time I woke up, barely able to speak, but seeing his face through my bleary eyes felt like a breath of fresh air. When I woke up feeling much better later that night, he was no longer there, but his warmth remained.

The only thing that had been making me worried was knowing that there had to be a reason why he had yet to come and visit me ever since. In other—more regular—days, he would appear in my room to each time I was unable to visit. He had also promised to stay by my side through this surgery, and yet, only a couple of days left and there was still no sign of him, letting me wondering if there was something wrong.

“I can check on him if you want,” Yoongi finally offered after noticing how anxious I had been the whole day. He must have caught me glancing towards the door even as we were sitting there, watching the movie playing from his laptop together. Perhaps he knew that my head had never been on the movie, just like it had always been.

I looked at him and sighed. “Could you?” I finally relented and asked him. “I asked Soyeon about him but she didn’t say much except that Jimin is still recovering. We text at night before bed, but he’d never answer when I ask how he’s doing.”

Yoongi simply nodded. “You know, it’d probably be easier if you guys just share a room together, huh?” he wryly said.

“I wish,” I chuckled, rolling my eyes before I realised just how tempting the idea had sounded. “Is something like that even possible though?”

Yoongi shrugged. “I’ve heard of family members or spouses with terminal illnesses being put together in the same room, but I don’t know if it’s possible on your case. I could have Hoseok or Kara to ask around. They’re the ones who are listed as your family.”

Shaking my head, I turned to look at the laptop again. “I don’t even know if Jimin would agree.”

“I’m sure he’s just as devastated as you are that he can’t come to see you.”

“You really think so?” I questioned him, finding him frowning when I looked up. “Thanks for trying to lift up my spirits. I feel like you’re treating me like I’m your teenage younger sister or something.”

Looking at me, Yoongi merely scoffed. “I never had any teenage younger sister to take care of so I wouldn’t know.”

When a visitor finally came by to my room later in the night, it was not Jimin.

Yoongi was putting his coat on to leave for the night after staying with me all day when Jungkook appeared in the doorway. There was another bouquet of white flowers in his hand—the same as the ones he had been sending me every day—and a deep scowl on his face when he exchanged gazes with Yoongi.

Yoongi clenched his jaw, obvious enough to show his dislike at Jungkook’s appearance. He didn’t even bother to greet my ex-husband as he turned to me. “Do you want me to stay a bit longer?”

I looked back and forth between them, only to have Jungkook looked away when I met his eyes, though his gaze softened just a little when he saw how uncomfortable I felt at the tension that was rising from them together. Sighing to myself, I could only choose to diffuse the situation by letting Yoongi go on his way.

“It’s okay. You have that date to go to and it won’t be long before Kara gets here anyway,” I told Yoongi, though it was clear that he didn’t exactly enjoy accepting my choice.

“You sure?” he asked again, to which I only nodded. He came to my bed while shaking his head, but he chose not to say a thing when he kissed my forehead aside from telling me to call him if I needed anything. “Promise me to let me know if anything happens.”

“I promise.”

He gave me a final nod before turning to the doorway, where Jungkook was still standing. Both of them stood facing each other for a few awkward seconds before Jungkook finally stepped aside to allow him to pass without saying a word to each other.

The moment Yoongi left, the air between us rippled into a different kind of tension. When it was only between him and Yoongi, all I could feel was their rage, their hostility against each other. But now, as Jungkook was making his way slowly towards the bed, there was a sense of awkwardness that grew between us.

Only a year ago, he was the only man that I had ever loved. Though our marriage was not perfect, he was still a huge part of me that I called home, no matter how lonely that ‘home’ would feel like at times. Tonight, it felt like he was a stranger. There was still a pull inside my chest that felt so tight I could hardly breathe, but it was not enough to have me opening my arms to welcome him with a warm embrace.

Jungkook looked around the room with a wry smile on his face. “You’ve kept the flowers,” he murmured softly as he saw all the white flowers that still remained, finding each one being kept in different vases in all sizes before looking back at me.

“Kara and my nurse, Soyeon, took care of them. If the boys had been the ones who received them, they’d end up somewhere else,” I told him with a chuckle, choosing not to tell him that there had been some that had only ended being tossed into the trash. Mostly on Yoongi’s doing, because Hoseok had always opted on passing them on to the other female nurses who had slowly grown into becoming his admirers.

Jungkook nodded as he listened, and I noticed that his grip on the bouquet had somehow tightened. “May I?” he asked, pointing at the empty chair next to my bed which Yoongi had been using all day.

“Sure,” I said, as I watched him take his seat.

“Here, these are for you,” he said to me as he handed the small bouquet of white roses to me, forcing me to peel my fingers away from the sheets that I had been clutching tightly ever since the moment he appeared at the door.

“Thank you,” I whispered. My fingers felt cold when I took the flowers from his hands. My skin crawled when our fingers touched. It was an odd feeling, when in the past, each of his gentle touches would be able to send my heart racing and my body would shudder in pleasure. It truly felt like he was no longer a part of me, as if the years we shared together had been a distant memory that was no longer mine.

I instantly pulled my hand away and kept the flowers on my lap. I didn’t miss the way he flinched when I avoided his touch, nor did I miss the look of hurt and disappointment that lingered in his eyes when he saw me clutching the flowers tightly on my lap, as if I was using them as a shield to protect me from him.

“How are you feeling?” he finally asked after a brief moment of silence. He cleared his throat and blushed when he noticed me looking up. “I, uh—I heard the surgery is in a couple of days.”

I nodded. “Two days,” I said, and my heartbeat accelerated almost immediately. He must have noticed it when my skin blanched, when the rush of panic came over me.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” I quickly told him. “It’s just that it feels surreal, dealing with it. I still haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it. It felt like a long time ago when I agreed to go through with it, so I’ve tried not to think about it too much. But then, suddenly it’s only days apart.”

Jungkook nodded as he tried to understand, and the concerned look on his face remained. “You’ll get through this just fine, I know it.”

I looked up, giving him a small smile. “How can you be so sure?”

Pressing his lips, Jungkook avoided my gaze for a moment. “Because you’re strong,” he finally said to me. “You’re always the stronger one between us. You’ve gotten through everything and still came out of it in one piece, whereas I could only burn things to dust and destroy everything I touched.”

Shaking my head, my words slipped out of me before I could stop them. “Not everything.”

His gaze found me, looking surprised to hear what I said, while I had to look away when once again all of the good memories that we had shared together went through my mind. My fingers clenched tighter around the flowers when I wondered just how everything fell into pieces, though what was left inside me was nothing but a numbing rage, when all the hurt he had given me had seized to give me pain since a long time ago.

Jungkook shifted in his seat, pulling my attention back to him. He was still avoiding my gaze, giving me a chance to finally take him all in. There were a lot of changes going on with him. He had always looked pristine, even when he was hiding his pain inside him. But there were also those moments in time, especially while we were battling for our divorce, when he looked terribly broken. He had stopped taking care of himself, leaving his hair constantly messy and his face looking dark and gloomy. I remembered seeing his eyes red and swollen, with deep, dark bags under them growing darker each time with all the sleepless nights he went through and all the drinking that he had resorted to just to escape from everything.

Now, he had looked much better, making good of his words to take care of himself while I was battling my own illness. His body had grown toned and broader, a sign that he had reserved back to working out and eating healthy again. His eyes were much brighter than how I had seen him last, as he had promised me time and time again that he would stop drinking so he could always be in his clear mind while he was supporting me. And then I caught the sight of his hair, looking thicker and longer as he styled them to the back of his head.

“You look good,” I said, making him look at me again. “Healthier. And you’ve kept your hair longer.”

He smiled and ran his fingers through his hair. “Not on purpose,” he admitted with a shrug. “I used to have my wife reminding me to go to the barbershop. Sometimes she would do it herself, have me sit down in the kitchen as she would cut my hair for me. Now, I can’t even decide what style of hair to choose for myself because I’d never know what would look good for me.”

I looked down just as my eyes started burning. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears from building up, threatening to flow like a river.

“Sorry, fuck—” I heard Jungkook’s voice cursing at himself before he leaned forward, catching my wrist and holding it gently in his hold. His thumb began rubbing gently on my skin and the dam of tears just broke apart. “I really need to learn how to shut up, but I just cannot help myself.”

I laughed nervously, though they came out with a round of sobbing when I continued crying. It took a moment before I calmed down. As much as I hated to admit it, the way he was softly holding my hand truly helped put myself together.

“I do miss you. That’s not a lie,” he whispered softly, meeting my eyes when I looked up. He reached out with his free hand, brushing my tears away. “You might not see it, but it feels so empty without you. I tried. I promise you, I have tried. Not to move on by seeing anyone else, because other women always remind me of you, but I try to live my life the best I could, to take care of myself the way you would do it for me, but nothing could fill up the empty space you left behind.”

Shaking my head, I tried to pull away from him. “Jungkook—”

His grip tightened, and he refused to let me go. “No, I’m not doing this to beg you to come back. I swear. I just want to tell you how I feel before I’d explode.”

Drawing a shaky breath, I tried my best to calm my heartbeat before I looked at him again. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

Jungkook looked at me for a moment longer then nodded his head. “Sure,” he said, before he proceeded in telling me things about what he had been doing lately. He made me laugh when he talked about meeting up with his friends, reuniting with his mates from college and spending the whole night playing pool.

“No, I didn’t drink,” he said to me when I asked him about it. “Been sober for almost six months now. There’s no way I can break that promise to you now,” he added, making me smile wider with relief brewing in my chest. “Eunwoo got a bit crazy though. Seconds after he agreed to join me on the next AA meeting, he ordered a full bottle of a 12 years-old Macallan and finished almost three-quarters of it on his own.”

“And the only thing you drank was Coke?”

Nodding his head, he smiled proudly. “Yes, Ma’am. I was on my best behaviour the whole night,” he said, and I felt instantly proud of him. The feeling was bittersweet, however, because I couldn’t stop wondering what our lives would have been like if he had as much control back then when we were together.

“I’m glad,” was all that I could say to him. “I’m happy to know that you’re living a better life.”

Pressing his lips together, he reached out to grab my hand. “And you are going to be there to continue watching me as I make better changes in my life, so you can witness me as I grow to be the man that you can feel proud of,” he said to me, and another set of tears escaped from me. Tightening his hold on my hand, he reached out to my chin and turned my face so I could look at him.

“Listen to me. You’re going to get through this, be stronger and healthier. I know you would. I know it’s scary, but I’m here. As much as I want to beg for you to come back to me, the only thing I need for you is to fight a good fight. We’ll get through this, and we will both have a much better life. We’ll watch each other as we both move on and find our happiness, to make the most of the rest of our lives, whether we’re doing it together or apart. Okay?”

At this point, I was a sobbing mess. The fear was still clawing from within. But his words gave me a new strength that I never knew I could still feel. It probably wouldn’t be enough to make sure that I could make it through, but it was enough to help me look at what was beyond me with a different kind of light.

As I looked into his eyes, I found a new kind of calmness that I had thought I had lost. What I saw in his eyes then would never be the same as what I had seen from him in the past, when he was the reason for me to carry on. But for now, this was more than enough. Taking one last deep, shaky breath, I looked straight into his eyes and nodded. I knew it was wrong to take comfort from the same man that had caused me a lot of pain, the same man that had also caused all the darkest times of my life.

But I knew that he was right and I needed to engulf myself in the comfort of his warmth just as long as I could find strength in them. No matter how scary it would be, I knew that I had to fight it. I needed to. And I had to survive through this no matter what.

“Okay.”

Jimin finally came to see me on the last day I had before the surgery.

It only took waking up to his smile to feel like I was coming alive again, even though I had to take a moment to make sure that I was not dreaming, that he was actually there.

I looked over his shoulder, noticing that the sky outside the window was still dark. the sun had barely come up, which meant that he came in way before the first round of nurses started. On the couch across the room, I saw Kara still deep in her sleep. She had come around the time Jungkook was ready to leave last night, and she had stayed all night to keep me company.

Out of everyone, Kara had been the one who would stay with me overnight. She has admitted once that she was worried that I would feel lonely should I ever wake up in the middle of the night without anyone by my side.

Another reason for her to stay was because of the memory we shared about my Mom. At one of the conversations that we have had where we talked about my mother, I had told her about the late-night phone calls that my Mom made while she was ill. Her eyes instantly lost their light, knowing that one of the many reasons why my mother had been left in the hospital all by herself during those times were because of her. Because my father had chosen to spend the night with his mistress instead of staying by my mother’s side.

“I would remember her whenever I think about you sleeping alone at night in this lousy hospital, afraid and lonely,” she said once after she had asked for a cot and an extra blanket for her to sleep in. “I won’t be able to sleep well at night when it happens. Take it as my redemption. I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell won’t let the same thing happen to you.”

Gentle kisses along my knuckles brought me back to the man sitting next to my bed. Jimin smiled at me when I looked at him. He had my hand in his grip, his lips pressing on my skin as he trailed soft kisses that sent delicate shivers through my body. His touches were enough to warm me up against the cold air conditioner blasting in the room.

“Morning, beautiful,” he whispered, making sure to keep it down so he wouldn’t wake Kara.

“Morning,” I answered him, still completely in a daze as I took in the sight of him. “You’re really here.”

His gaze softened as he gave me a wry smile. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to come and see you again,” he said, and only then did I realise that his voice was hoarse and weak, hidden in his whispers.

And then it took him pulling away for me to notice everything that I had missed—the wheelchair he was sitting on, the thinning hair under his beanie hat, the bags under his red-rimmed eyes, the sunken cheeks, the blisters on his lips—and my heart dropped.

“Jimin—” I choked, to which he quickly pressed a finger on my lips to stop me from talking.

“Sshh—I know, I look like hell,” he said, chuckling softly. Though the sound immediately turned into a set of coughs until he managed to take a deep breath and hold it in. “And I’ve been through hell.”

My eyes burned with tears, but I did all I could to stop them from falling. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from questioning him, “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone—”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry about me when you already have so much to worry about on yourself,” he said to me with a sad smile. “I asked the nurses to not tell you anything. I couldn’t leave my room and let you see me when I was at my worse. You need to focus on yourself, on what’s happening tomorrow. I should be the last thing in your mind to worry about.”

Shaking my head, I leaned towards him and let him took my hand in his once again. “It’s not fair.”

He smiled at me and said, “It’s only fair. I shouldn’t be in the way of your recovery.”

“You never were. I need you, and I want to be there to support you too.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here now. I’ve done all I could to get strong enough to be here today so I could see you,” he said, pulling my hand in his so he could place my palm on his cheek, giving me a chance to feel him. “You know that I will always be here to support you.”

“Always? Promise?” He only answered me with a nod of his head, but it was enough for now. “Can you stay here with me?”

Jimin glanced over his shoulder and tipped his head. “Will your guardian let me?”

I looked over to Kara’s sleeping form and smiled. “She has to.”

And indeed she did. Kara knew how much I had missed Jimin and how his presence helped make a lot of changes that she even let Jimin use the cot that she had neglected the night before so he could rest once in a while. Even the nurses had come to let Jimin take his medicines without him returning to his room.

“Told you that things would be easier if we had just been placed in the same room,” Jimin joked at Soyeon when she came into the room while shaking her head at him. His comment surprised me as I had never thought he would even consider it.

“You asked them for a room transfer?”

Jimin shrugged with a sheepish smile. “Hey, I tried. I’ve thought about it ever since you got sick from your trips down the halls at night to see me.”

I looked at him, not believing what I just heard. Never once in my mind I had considered it possible for us to share a room that I had pushed away every hope of making it happen. I was completely speechless that all I could do was hold his hand. It was Soyeon who spoke next, breaking the moment we were sharing.

“If you want, I can submit another request once you’ve gone through the surgery,” she said, while Jimin and I exchanged looks.

“Can you do that?”

Soyeon glanced at Kara who was now giving her a hopeful look and smiled. “I can ask your doctor to have permission for transfer,” she answered me with a wink.

“If Doctor Kim agrees, then it’ll leave only one last hurdle that might get in the way,” Jimin said, breaking whatever spell we were in before either one of us even had a chance to celebrate the possible good news.

“What is it?”

Jimin gave me a sad smile and said, “Your ex-husband.”

It was finally the day of the surgery.

Everyone had been here with me since this morning, waiting in the room with me. While my anxiety had peaked through the roof the day before, I was surprisingly calm ever since I had woken up this morning. Meanwhile, everyone else seemed to be on the edge since the moment I woke up and it even got worse when the nurse came in just one hour before I was supposed to be taken to the operating room, handing me the last medicine for the day.

The frown on Hoseok’s face kept on slipping out no matter how hard he tried to hide it behind his smile. Even the years that had passed during the period of time when we fell apart couldn’t change the fact that I knew my brother. That I would be able to catch on to his emotions so easily despite his efforts of hiding them from me.

He was not the only one who was restless, as Yoongi kept fidgeting in his seat. He had been silent all day, tension continued to roll out of his shoulders as he sat with Hoseok across the room.

As I was forbidden to consume any food or water, Kara found nothing to do to distract herself and she had opted to stay by my side. I had to respect her for trying her best to stay calm, though the moment she held my hand and she started praying for the two of us, it almost felt like I was the one calming her down until her fingers stopped shaking.

“It’ll be okay,” I finally said to her when she gave me yet another forced smile the moment our eyes met. But everyone in the room knew that I was speaking for all of us, especially myself, when I added, “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Jimin came to my room just when it was almost time for me to go. He came in on his wheelchair, with Nurse Soyeon pushing him into the room. Everyone instantly stepped aside to give us space, allowing Jimin to settle down next to the bed, where he took my hand to hold and he could lean in just close enough to give me a kiss.

“I’ll be here until the moment they come to pick you up,” he whispered to me between his gentle kisses, then gave me another promise before he pulled away, “And I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

After that moment, time seemed to stand still. Neither of my family dared to speak, afraid that any word they said would burst any bubble that we found ourselves in, to allow the reality to sink in and take over the serene feeling we were having. But they kept hovering around me, making sure that I was calm and ready, though I felt more numb than I was probably supposed to.

It wasn’t until the moment when Soyeon returned with another nurse from our floor, pushing a gurney into the room with the help of an orderly, when the silent tension in the room broke apart.

“It’s time,” Soyeon said to me with a calm voice that did nothing to stop my heartbeat from pacing rapidly in my chest. Jimin must have sensed the change in my mood, because he immediately pulled me to him and held me tight, whispering sweet words to calm me down.

“It’s okay, baby. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and focus on me,” he kept telling me, making sure that I followed his words until I was breathing calmly again.

“Okay, I’m ready,” I nodded at Soyeon after giving Jimin one last kiss and sending one last smile to my family.

As everyone stepped back and I was carefully transferred from the bed to the gurney, the numbness returned to me and I let myself to be engulfed in it. Even the pain that came piercing through my spine during the transfer couldn’t snap me out of it. The sense of calm felt even stronger as Jimin grabbed my hand and gave me one last squeeze only moments before the orderly began pushing me out of the room.

“I’ll come with you,” I heard Hoseok said, as if watching me leave the room had snapped him out of his trance and he quickly rushed to walk alongside the gurney as we left our family behind. The last thing I saw when I took one last glance was Yoongi placing his arm around Kara’s shoulders as she cried soundlessly, and Jimin smiling at me as he placed his palm over Kara’s hand that was resting on his shoulder.

The trip from my room towards the operating section on our floor felt like an eternity. I barely paid attention to our surroundings as we made a few turns down the hallways, focusing more on my breathing pattern as I kept myself calm, until I suddenly saw him standing not too far from the doorways leading to the operating area.

“Jungkook,” I called out to him as the gurney slowed down to a stop right where he was waiting for me. He nodded briefly at Hoseok before he turned to me, giving me a warm smile despite the way his eyes were watching me closely as if he was afraid I would disappear.

“You came,” I said, and he nodded.

“I decided I’d wait for you out here so you could have a moment with your family,” he told me, and my eyes moved to his hands, where I found yet another bouquet of white flowers, and his smile widened as he followed my gaze.

“These flowers will be waiting for you in your room to greet you once you return,” Jungkook said, before he leaned down, pressing his lips on my forehead as he whispered. “You’re going to be alright.”

His eyes were glassy with tears when he straightened up, but he forced himself to smile as he brushed gently at my cheek for one last time before he stepped back, allowing the gurney to pass. I kept my eyes on him until I could no longer see him, and Hoseok pulled my attention right before he had to let me go.

“We’ll be waiting for you out here,” he said to me while squeezing my shoulder gently. I could tell that he was trying his best not to cry in front of me, so I put on my brave face and smiled.

“Make sure to buy me some of my favourite ice creams when I come back, will you?”

He nodded and chuckled softly. “I’ll fill up the fridge with them for you.”

“Ready?”

The nurse that was going to assist the surgeons was the one I was not familiar with, but she was friendly and nice that I stayed calm despite the complicated preparations that would have scared me away. I already felt slightly intimidated just minutes ago, when I was pushed into this room with only strangers standing around me. But the thought of my family who would be waiting right outside those doors, and knowing that Dr. Kim would also be here to assist the procedure, all had done more than calm my nerves that all I had to do was wait until this moment would come.

“I’m going to put this mask on you. Just breathe in normally, and you will feel sleepy in no time. Just don’t panic, and focus on counting down or just think of good things, okay?”

“Okay,” I told her, nodding my head before I let her put the breathing mask on my face.

She gave me a smile that was hidden under her mask as I settled back down on the bed, while she carried on with the preparations, helping the surgeons and welcoming Dr. Kim as he came into my line of sight.

His voice was calm, but I barely paid attention to any word he said to me as he introduced the other doctors that had come in with him. I only responded with a nod to each time he spoke, until he instructed me to continue breathing as the only thing they needed to do was to wait until the anaesthetic drugs they had given me would take effect.

Everything around me seemed to move in slow motion afterwards. It felt as if I had left my body and I was watching things unfolding from the outside looking in. I followed the nurse’s instruction as I began breathing normally, taking deep breaths while counting down slowly, until I started to feel heavy with sleep. It didn’t take long until I finally gave in as there was never a fight in me to stop me from getting under, and I felt myself drifting away merely seconds after.

That was when everything happened.

They had all said that when you went under, your whole senses would not be able to tell you about anything happening around you, leaving you completely oblivious to what they were doing to your body.

That was not what seemed to be happening to me.

My senses were completely numb, but I was still there. I was still present. My body was no longer moving, but I was terribly aware. A thick blanket of darkness folded around me, cloaking me from the world that still existed around me. I had lost the ability to feel a thing. There was no pain, not a hint of the slightest of touches they made on me, but I knew they were all there.

My mind registered their presence in the form of shadows. Looming, hovering, moving around me while I was rooted as their center. I could feel their movements even through the fog of darkness, but I could feel none of their touch. I heard nothing but a steady hum, drowning me deeper into the darkness, though some of the voices I heard made it seem more like I was drowning underwater.

And then it happened, and suddenly, I could hear it all almost too clearly.

It started with a steady beep, before it began to rise, sounding louder by the second, and then it went faster. The humming sound around me began to rise as well, growing steadily intense. They sounded almost similar to voices of people shouting, only that everything was muffled, like everything was happening under the current of water. The beeping noise grew louder, breaking through the fog, and then louder, turning into an alarming sound as the shouting continued.

An odd feeling of chill washed over me.

And then everything went still.

Author’s note:

I’m sorry this took a long time, and I know that you must be hating me for that ending lol

Don’t worry, every single question you may have at the moment will be answered soon. We’re so close to the final chapters and I am terribly nervous about it, not going to lie. But, before we can finally get there, we’ll be having an extra chapter coming in the way.

Yes, your requests have been answered. We’ll be getting into Taehyung’s side of the story on the next chapter before we can find more answers to what had happened to all of them in the past.

Stay tuned for the next update. Thank you for all of your support!

—  © 2021 Yoonia, all rights reserved. reposting/modifying of any kind is not allowed. translations are not allowed.

[hb-writes]

The Horsewoman

Summary: 1913 in the Little Lady Blinder universe. Shelby sister, Clara, and her twin are ready to start school, but Clara is a bit hesitant. Thankfully, her older brother knows how to negotiate.

Inspired by this request: Could you write about the twins first day at school? Like Clara is scared but Finn is excited. And because they didn’t have much money they’ve saved for a while to get them new clothes just for school and Tommy helps them get ready and drops them off for there first day x

Featuring: Tommy Shelby, Finn Shelby, Polly Gray, and Clara Shelby (OC)

Tommy was awake and had been for some time now, going back and forth between reading and watching his little sister rest. Her features had finally smoothed out, her face relaxed in a way that only came with a lack of consciousness, the small wrinkle of worry taking up seemingly permanent residence on her forehead cleared away now as slow, easy breaths fell from her mouth.

Clara had climbed into his bed a little before sundown the evening before, burrowing herself in the blankets after claiming an upset stomach and abstaining from dinner. She passed more than half the night awake, her restless body nestled up beside her brother while he too failed to get much by the way of sleep, kept alert by the five-year-old's nervous energy.

Clara's agitation about starting school wasn't something quite congruous with the child she'd come to be understood as. She loved books and learning and was obviously bright. She commonly forced her twin into playing at schoolhouse, so the family was rightfully perplexed. Tommy wasn't so surprised by it though. He knew there was something they were all missing, something about school Clara was fixating on, focusing all her energies on some troubling thought she hadn't worked up the nerve to discuss.

The shift happened when they told her the twins would be enrolled in the next coming school year. If he didn't know the girl better, he'd have called her behavior a sudden disinterest in the idea of school and learning, but Tommy knew she had not spared a thought to anything else during the last few weeks of summer.

Tommy glanced up at a light rapping on the door, Finn pushing it open before he could offer a response. The boy was in his new school outfit, quite a sight considering he spent most of his days covered in a layer of dirt and dust after playing out on the lane.

"She's still asleep?" Finn's words came out as a half-whisper as he noted the lump of blankets on the far side of his brother's bed.

Tommy nodded, glancing down at Clara for a second before looking back to his little brother, a mess of laces tucked into the side of his boot. Tommy beckoned him forward, patting the chair sat beside his bed. Finn would need to learn to tie them for himself soon, though Tommy supposed with the twins being in the same class, he'd get by alright with his sister doing any needed midday shoe tying.

"Aunt Polly says if Clara doesn't come down now she won't get any breakfast." Finn still attempted a whisper, carefully annunciating Polly's message as he lifted his feet to rest on Tommy's lap to deal with the laces.

Tommy looked to his sister again, certain Finn's attempts at whispering would have woken her by now. Clara’s deep breaths had ceased and she laid beside him completely still, her body gripped in an unnerving rigidity. He could see the effort she put into holding her eyes shut, the small wrinkle firmly back in place between her furrowed brows.

"Is she still sick?" Finn asked when Tommy lowered Finn's feet. 

As Finn leaned over his brother to get a better look at his sister, Tommy thought Finn could be right. Clara might be making herself sick over the whole thing, turning over some small misunderstanding in her mind.

"Worried sick, maybe," Tommy answered.

Clara remained still against him though a muscle in her cheek twitched at his words. Tommy snorted lightly before turning back to Finn.

"What's she worried about? It's just school. Everyone from the lane will be there."

Clara shifted under the blankets, moving them up and over her shoulder as she burrowed further still into Tommy's side. He sighed and shook her shoulder. "Alright there, Clara girl. Time to get up."

When she ignored the prompting, Finn reached over Tommy, his pointer finger extended with every intention of pushing one of his sister's eyes open to help her along, but Tommy nudged Finn's pudgy hand away before he could make contact.

"C'mon, Clara. I know you're awake."

Clara shook her head and Tommy scoffed, pulling her onto his lap as he leaned against the wall.

"We can't have you going to school hungry," Tommy said.

"Aunt Polly made a special breakfast."

"See that? Finn says you've got a special breakfast waiting."

"Not hungry," Clara mumbled.

Tommy knew she had to be hungry after missing dinner, but rather than showing any desire to head down the stairs, Clara settled in his lap, pulling the blankets up to cover herself once again and hiding against his chest. Tommy tried again to pull her out of hiding with a different line of discussion.

"Doesn't Finn look nice in his new outfit?"

Clara glanced at her twin and nodded. She had an outfit of her own to get into, something Ada helped pick out, an outfit Clara showed little interest in though it was a red dress she’d usually be eager to get into. Tommy had a feeling it had less to do with preferences and more to do with whatever Clara was worrying on about school.

"Finn, why don't you run and tell Aunt Polly Clara will be right down, eh?"

Clara snuggled in again as Finn closed the door.

"I don't wanna go."

"Sure you do," Tommy answered, "You've got your new dress and you'll be with Finn and –"

"I wanna stay with you."

"What about Finn?"

"Finn has friends."

"Then you have friends too," Tommy answered.

Clara shook her head and Tommy amended his words. "Then you have your brother, and you'll make friends."

Clara released her grip on Tommy intending to slip back into her spot between him and the wall but Tommy caught her and towed her back into his lap.

Clara was a kind child, pleasant and clever, but she also kept to herself and her family more often than not. She didn't relish spending her days out on the lane with the other kids and when booted out of the house for some air, she'd more often than not spend that time on the stoop drawing or reading or practicing her writing. Rather than chase a ball about or get up to the mischief of the day, she liked to follow her siblings and aunt around. She liked to help with Martha and John's babies. She liked to go to the yard and be with the horses. She didn't have a hoard of friends from the lane like Finn did.

"You've got to go to school. And before you go, you've got to eat a good breakfast, and Ada will—"

"But I don’t want to," Clara answered, settling against his chest.

"Well, we all have to do things we don't want to, eh?"

Clara shook her head. "You get to do what you want."

Tommy considered how it must have looked that way to the five-year-old. It must've looked like everyone other than her and Finn had free rein to do as they pleased because they all came and went through the doors of no. 6 Watery Lane as such. Tommy passed his days interchangeably between the shop and the horses, stopping in to play with the twins at seemingly random intervals, devoting his evenings to Greta Jurossi.

"Well, that's 'cause I already finished school."

Clara groaned, sensing the impending defeat, and with Tommy's hands reaching for her sides, she knew he was about to peel her away so she gripped him a bit tighter.

"Alright, how about this? I'll make you a deal. You go to school for one…" Tommy smiled at his sister's pout before continuing. "You give me one day and if you hate it, you never have to go again."

Clara lifted her head. "Never?"

Tommy nodded. It was a lie because she'd need some type of education lest they wanted the parish to descend upon them for lack of attendance, but Tommy wasn't concerned his sister would actually take him up on the offer.

"If you've had the most terrible day and you never want to go back or learn another thing ever again, you can come help me and Curly with the horses for the rest of your life. You’ll be the third-best horseman in England."

"Horsewoman," Clara mumbled.

"What?"

"I'll be a horsewoman."

"Of course," Tommy said. "The very best horsewoman in all of England, then, but you have to try school first."

Tommy's offer allowed him to lift Clara from the bed with minimal argument though she kept her arms latched around his neck as he carried her down the stairs to settle at the table. 

Polly rolled her eyes at the spectacle and tried to usher her niece off Tommy's lap, but Clara stayed put, ignoring her aunt's protests as she took a piece of toast from the plate Polly set before them. It was clearly intended for Tommy, another smaller portion placed one spot over.

"You won't be able to bring your brother with you to school, so you may as well get used to sitting in your own seat now."

Tommy leaned forward to pull the second plate closer and retrieved a piece of toast for himself while Clara tucked into his eggs. "She's not hurting any—"

"Aunt Polly, you're wrong. I am bringing my brother to school," Clara answered, mouth full of food as she pointed at Finn. Polly rolled her eyes before the girl continued. "And Tommy says I only have to go to school for just one day and then I get to be a horsewoman with him and Curly forever."

Tommy coughed on a bit of toast as she said it. He really shouldn't have been surprised, should have expected his sister to air the remark at the first opportunity. She seemed to take a great satisfaction in telling the world all the things her big brother told her he could be, all the things he promised to teach her.

Polly scowled at her nephew, shaking her head. "Well, that's just wonderful, Thomas. Fill her mind with—"

"It's only if she doesn't like it, Pol."

"Only if she doesn't—" Polly scoffed, tossing her hands up before busying herself with the dirty dishes on the table, muttering as she went. "Makes me wonder who really runs this family… the adults or a pair of spoiled five-year-olds?"

Tommy took a breath, meeting each of the twins' eyes in turn as Polly took the dirty dishes to the kitchen. They giggled as Clara continued munching on her toast, the laughter stopping abruptly when Polly stepped back into the room.

"Well, regardless of any deals you've made with your brother, you're due to school this morning. So be off and up the stairs if you're finished. Ada will help you get dressed."

"Ada's still in bed," Finn offered, "Said she doesn't have to be up 'cause she's got her certificate now."

Polly groaned, tugging Clara from Tommy's lap and sending her towards the stairs. "Just when I think it's only the boys I have worrying me, you girls decide to kick off."

Tommy pushed his chair back and stood up. "Let Ada sleep."

Polly's eyebrows raised. "You're going to get your sister ready for school?"

"I'm not a baby. I can dress myself,” Clara said.

“There you have it, Polly. She’s not a baby. She can dress herself," Tommy answered.

“Fine, just make sure it’s done in the next five minutes. I want all three of you out the door by then.” 

They were actually ready to be out the door in under four minutes, but Polly took fault with the state in which Tommy left his sister’s hair so they all waited while Polly put in a neat plait down the girl’s back.

The walk to the schoolhouse wasn’t so long, and by the time Tommy and the twins reached the end of Watery Lane, they were joined by a smattering of the younger kids living along the way, the group of them chattering excitedly with Finn.

Clara deliberately slowed their pace, putting a thoughtful measure of distance between them and the kids. Tommy allowed it, shortening his strides to keep them back. He thought she had something to tell him, but Clara stayed quiet, watching Finn and the other kids and listening to them chattering away.

It was only when they were just outside the schoolyard that Clara finally found her words, tugging on his hand to garner his attention.

"Tommy?" she asked. “What's the catch?”

Tommy looked down at her, neat and prim and proper in her new dress, looking more like she belonged at home with a governess than the crowded classroom she would soon find herself in. "The catch?"

“If I don’t go to school and be a horsewoman instead,” she said, “What’s the catch?”

Clara knew there was good and bad to everything and she had been thinking about the question from the moment they stepped onto Watery Lane, wondering what could be bad about spending her life with the horses and her brother. She knew he came home dirty and tired, but whenever they went to the yard, he seemed happy. 

Tommy smiled, lifting her into his arms. "Hard work, my girl, but you've got that either way. Just have to decide if you want to be mucking stalls or reading books."

Tommy saw the teacher at the steps, saw Finn already off with his friends from the lane, but he offered Clara a few more moments in his arms. He searched for a few words to encourage her before setting her feet to the pavement, but as the teacher rang the bell, the sound still invoking something in Tommy though he’d been out of school for years, Finn raced to their side and reached a hand up towards his sister.

"C'mon, Clara."

Tommy let Clara down when she clasped Finn's outstretched hand, her grip on Tommy lasting just a moment past her sliding down his side. It was a mix of relief and sadness Tommy felt when Clara let him go, his girl taking the hand of another brother for support, the babies embarking on a new adventure all of their own.

Tommy watched them make their way through the schoolyard, already decided that he wouldn't step away until they were safely beyond the heavy wooden doors. They were nearly through it, already offering their greetings to the young teacher ringing the bell when Clara dropped Finn’s hand and raced down the steps, making it back to him in less than half the time it took to get to the door.

Tommy kneeled down to meet her. He had the words prepared now, had finally found the right message to send her on her way, but Clara interrupted him before he got a proper start, whispering into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Can I still be a horsewoman with you even if I like school?"

Tommy grinned and pulled back to look into her eyes. "You can be whatever you'd like, but if you don't get up those steps with Finn, the first thing you'll be is late."

Clara hugged her brother again before sprinting back towards the school. Tommy knew it was unlikely his sister would be a horsewoman or a lady barber or any of the number of occupations she'd asked after, but Tommy didn’t have it in him to deny his sister that happiness. He decided long ago not to deny either of the twins that if he could help it. 

-----

Read more Little Lady Blinder here.

-----

🏷:

@beautycinders​​ @buckybluebarnes (can’t tag) @cecii22me​​ @lovemissyhoneybee​​ @marquelapage​​ @midnight-dreams-23​​ @mo-onstarrs​​ @ohhersheybars​​ @pollyrepents​​ @unicorndetective22 (can’t tag)

[slasherwife]

🐻Oh, I stopped to think, how the Slashers would react to their S / O being a witch who reincarnated (doesn’t remember the past life, except how she died.), She does rituals (using some potions, animal bones and blood itself). to raise and control plants and a power related to his death (possibly fire) and have nightmares about his death that usually have phantom pain and vision (in the midst of flames and smoke for example.) kisses from Brazil 🐻

Slashers react to a witch s/o

How do the slashers react with you doing tarot, moon rituals, playing with energies, making potions and doing spells?

🌹🌛🌕🌜🌹how do they react to you controlling the elements and getting forewarning of his death?

Thomas Hewitt

Thomas is lowkey intrigued?

Doesn’t even know what this stuff is??

He’s pretty much clueless, but that doesn’t mean you can’t teach him

If you tell him you’re a witch I have a feeling he’ll be taken aback

“B-but the Bible says—“

“No no, the Bible was originally Aramaic, Tommy— and ‘witch’ in Aramaic meant poisoner, my love. I never poison anyone.” 💖💕💖💕

That should do it 😊

Anyway he will still be bewildered a lil bit, just peepin around the corner watching you doing a tarot reading like Ow0 wot

Will catch animals for you to use for rituals

Do you need human bones too? Cuz he’s got you covered 😊💕

But hearing of your past life death? Seeing you play with fire and plant energies? How the universe practically bows to you? He sees you completely different.

He was standing on the back porch, watching you walk towards him as the grass waved to you and the trees bent in your favor, and he never wanted to be apart from you 🌹😊

You are a starlit goddess, sent to him by mistake— and he thinks you belong to the stars above or in the clouds~~ anywhere but his dark, sad home 😓💖

If you have nightmares about his death, he will go under your wing —begrudgingly— under your constant protection

He doesn’t believe too much of your visions, but he hates seeing you upset and his dark goddess doesn’t deserve paranoia 🥀😓

Jason Vorhees

Whatever Jason thinks, he at least acknowledges at his zombie phase that he isn’t exactly considered natural either.

Tbh you guys would be a total power couple 🤗🥺💖

He would be probably more understanding of your occupation than Tommy, and would embrace you fully 😊

Like “I knew my y/n was special. I knew it!” 😊💕

He doesn’t like that you use animal bones though. “Why the poor animals y/n?? Use human bones instead— here.”

He thinks you have superpowers hah

He loves when you raise the plants to be alive again— it’s like you keep it spring all year and he loves it 🥺💖💕💖🌷

Will be happy that you have them so you can protect yourself if need be 😊

Once you tell him about your past life death and how you can manipulate elements and that you’re getting forewarnings dreams of his death... he won’t be too worried.

First off, any thought of you dying in general is caused him literal physical pain. So he didn’t like you talking about that 🥺💕

You controlling the elements, Fire? He will follow you anywhere hon’. 7’1 immortal zombie legend murderer and powerful sorcerer/ess/witch? Biggest power couple 💕🙌🙌

And then lastly, the only thing Jason will worry about from your dreams is how you will manage with out him. That’s literally it 😂🥺💕💖

He knows he will come back eventually, you can’t kill Jason forever— he physically can’t stay dead lol

He will sheepishly miss all the crazy sex you guys have been having, but you stop your worrying! Jason’s like “my poor bab don’t be so scared— I’ll always come back!” 💕💕💖💕

Michael Myers

Will 1000% pretend your powers don’t interest him.

But just know that he’s peeking around the corner when you absent mindedly play with the candle’s flame while mixing a clarity potion, literally on his toes 😂💕

He loves to be around you when you’re doing candle work, making a potion, practicing controlling the elements— because you exert this powerful and foreign energy aura that’s comforting to him 😊💖💕🥺

Another slasher that will go on a midnight trip of catching animals for you because “ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY GODDESS— 😫💖💕💖💕”

But you wouldn’t even ask for it, he would see you making spell charms or bags with animal bones in it—

And then next thing you know he drops a sack of birds and a goat next to you and walks away???🤭

Do I know where he got the goat?? No I fucking do not xD but it kinda stank so you had to drag it out the back door and get to work 😣

And then obviously he’ll give you human bones as well lel 💕

He likes hearing of your past life death, he thinks it’s cool lol 😊💖

Getting forewarnings of Michael’s death? K.

He wouldn’t be bothered really, but he obviously doesn’t want to die— he’s too stubborn for that 💕💖

This is the only time he will ever listen to you xD barely

Basically like “too bad—I’m going out tonight. But I’ll ‘be careful’ or whatever the fuck you said.”

Another huge power couple btw 🙌💖💕

Bubba Sawyer

He thinks you’re so cool 🥺

He’ll think your tarot readings are a game and he’ll pick up random ones and look at them

(He likes the pictures) 😖💖

He’ll be so curious, like snooping around when you’re doing a ritual, snuggling up against you when you’re saying an incantation—

He’s like a cat💖💕

Oh you like animal bones? What a surprise! His house is literally full of them. 😶🌷

Ya you have an endless supply of animal bones— you won’t ever run out 😂💖💕

You died in your past life? WHAT? Why? *crying*

He will snuggle you all night when you tell him that 🥺

Also thinks you’re a goddess that was sent to him and can NOT wrap his head around the fact that you two met by chance 🥺💖

Cherishes you every single day and will probably be super clingy because you’re just his strong woman who deserves everything for the queen she is— *INHALE* yeah. 😖😖💕💕💖💖

Wait. What? You dreamt of me dying? What abt you will you be okay my little blueberry muffin??

He won’t careeee but at the same time he wants to stay with youuuuu😖💖💕

Just so he can stay alive to be with you, he’ll do everything you say to stay safe and will follow every protocol much to Chop Tops annoyment. 🤷‍♀️😊💕

“No, sorry—Y/n says I can’t do that.”

I love you two together, it gives me the feels 🥺💕💖

Bo Sinclair

Ooooh niceeee

Lowkey interested but probably won’t show it 😆

Like u do u— don’t know don’t care as long as you keep making me pbjs

Prepare for bewildererd looks when he walks in on your using blood/bones for a particular ritual 😳

Like you’ll just be sitting on your bed with your eyes closed, holding a black candle trying to banish negative energy and he’ll walk in—

“Want me to leave...?”

“Shhhhhhh....”

He’ll probably come home one day with an animal skull or something like, “babe I found this owl beak... you want it?” 😂💖💕

He’ll probably tell Lester to catch something while he’s out and about, and then take it and tell you that he got it for you all by himself😂💕

Lowkey scared of you sometimes

He’s not scared of blood, but like y are u using it..??

Tried not to piss you off too much so you hex him or something xD 💖💕

You: *manipulating fire and wind out back*

Bo, walking in on it: bitch what the fu—

If you tell him you’re getting visions of his death, he’ll probably be super skeptical and give you it a smartass remark— probably ask if you’ve been smoking the mugwort too 😳😶

But if you persist on it— he’ll get frustrated but will listen to you because he doesn’t like seeing u upset 🥺🌷

Brahmsie

Bitch wtf u doin?

So confused— explain now

This little shit will go through all of your stuff and take what he thinks is cool and will probably piss off your deities (if u have deities) 😂

You’ll have to make him apologize and have him give it back~~which I wish you the best of luck w 😂💖💕

You’ll just be minding your own business when Brahmsie is looking at your things—

The he legit looks at you dead in the eyes and takes your dragon figurine and disappears into the walls, much to your panic 😓😶😶

But since you can do all this stuff, now 3x more scared of you even tho you’re a small bean in comparison to him— 😳💕🌷

You threatened to hex him if he didn’t start actin right and he started being nice real quick 😂🙌💕💕

Where did u get that blood? 😶😳

Using animal bones? Use the dead rats y/n! Duh!

Bonus for him if he manages to sack the grocery boy and take his bones too 😶💘

“ANYTHING FOR YOU MY QUEEN!” 🙌😭💖💖

If he finds you controlling the elements and sees u controlling fire.... he leaves immediately dont you know he’s terrified of fire??

Yeah uh he demands in a shaky voice that you stop doing that or else ☹️😶he doesn’t like fire at all

But that’s okay cuz you’re still the fuckin coolest person hes ever been w! 😆💘

Wait wut...? You’re saying I’m gonna die? UWU SAVE ME Y/N I DONT WANNA DIEEE

He will literally get so scared when you tell him you’re getting forewarnings of his death, and will go under your wing definitely the most willingly 😅💓💓

Whatever, more cuddles for him! And some other things 😏

I hope u liked ittt! Sorry I’ve not the time to post ANYTHING lately— it took me 5 days to finish this one because of how busy w school I am— but I hope you like it!! 💖💖

[lavender-lotion]

Fanfic Writer Asks

I was tagged by @asarcasticwitch - thank you so much!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

737, which is an ugly number :(

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,890,054 words, which ... AH I might actually get to 2mil by the end of the year!

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

thank you, ao3 dashboard for this handy list:

Teen Wolf (TV) (377)

X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies) (187)

Marvel Cinematic Universe (93)

Glee (29)

Young Justice (Cartoon) (11)

Kingsman (Movies) (9)

Original Work (9)

The Avengers (Marvel Movies) (8)

Criminal Minds (US TV) (7)

Thor (Movies) (6)

Deadpool (Movieverse) (5)

Weird City (TV) (5)

X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) (4)

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga) (4)

Ragnarok (TV 2020) (4)

Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) (3)

Teen Wolf (TV) RPF (3)

Iron Man (Movies) (3)

The House in the Cerulean Sea - T. J. Klune (2)

Venom (Marvel Movies) (1)

Stranger Things (TV 2016) (1)

Captain America (Movies) (1)

Fate: The Winx Saga (TV) (1)

Power Rangers Ninja Storm (1)

X-Men - All Media Types (1)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan (1)

Riverdale (TV 2017) (1)

X-Men Evolution (1)

Push (2009) (1)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

With You, I Belong

Mates and Marriage Proposals

The Perceptions of You and I

(baby) maybe that matters more

Breathing You In

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

ughh so, fair warning, I have a lot of works. I definitely do not remember all of them, however I do have four works tagged as Unhappy Ending and then another nine works tagged Ambiguous/Open Ending, which is way more than I’d thought I had! 

however, there is one fic that stands out in mind when I think about which of my works has the angstiest ending! Heed the tags :)

And Now?

Teen And Up Audiences | Major Character Death | M/M | Teen Wolf (TV) | Chris Argent/Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski | Chris Argent, Peter Hale, Stiles Stilinski | Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, Peter Hale Dies, Unhappy Ending

Stiles Stilinski finds out who his soul mates are by setting one on fire.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

ughhhhhhhh I truly do not know??? 

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t write many crossovers at all! I have some mcu/teen wolf cross overs, I have a teen wolf/glee cross over plotted (that i’ll probably never write), but my strangest is probably this teen wolf/x-men cross over!

what-ifs (don’t fuckin’ matter to no one)

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)Teen Wolf (TV) | Logan (X-Men)/Sheriff Stilinski | Logan (X-Men), Sheriff Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski | Memory Loss, Telepathy, Mentions of War, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Neglect, Grief/Mourning, Telepath Stiles Stilinski, Telekinetic Stiles Stilinski, Nightmares, Cuddling & Snuggling

There’s somethin’ there. Somethin’ that has him sleeping curled up on his side with a pillow tucked to his chest, somethin’ that has him splittin’ up his food ‘fore he eats ‘cause he don’t need as much as a baseline. Has him turnin’ to tell someone shit that ain’t there. There’s just...there’s just somethin’ there that’s missin’ and it shouldn’t be missin’.

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes! I don’t write a lot of smut because I actively dislike writing it, but the smut I do write is super super soft and sappy and full of emotions lol

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to almost all of my comments! comments i won’t respond to: negative comments, unsolicited criticism, comments that aren’t relevant to the fic itself, comments simply asking for more 

I love love love responding to comments! I love every single comment that I get and I want to show how much I appreciate getting them, and personally I think responding to comments is the only way to do that! everyone has different comment philosophies, but for me, if someone is taking the time to comment on my fic like I so badly want them to, I think it’s important to respond to show my appreciation! 

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha YEAH I DO. this past weekend I actually got a number of shitty comments and had to file two ao3 abuse reports for harrasment (: I love it

I am no stranger to hate comments. I write copious amounts of age difference fic. I write copious amounts of incest. I am not going to apologize nor am I going to feel bad for enjoying either.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

ughhh I sure as heck hope not! 

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I have a number of them :) I always always do my best to make sure it’s linked to the original fic, AND that I add a tag noting that there’s a translation!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have made a few attempts! the only successful attempt is there's nothing i wouldn't do to make you feel my love which is a collaboration with @flightinflame, not quite a co-write!

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I am unable to answer this lol I don’t have an all-time favourite. mutli-shipping forever.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

god okay this is such a good question! imma ramble about a few so bear with me here! (i may have 700 posted works but I also have a few hundreds wips & ideas floating around in my gdrive, too)

gone & past - this is a starrish wip i’d started in 2017. I ended up deleting it from ao3 to rewrite it and never got there, but I have about 20k of content! I built my home, inside of you - thorki human au with college jock thor and high school dancer loki. i’ve got a start and nothing else Sheriff Stilinski Gets Some Sweet Sweet Lovin’ - massive wip where... well, the sheriff fucks his way through the entire pack. I want to write it but. trans allison au - this is an au where allison is trans and that changes the entire season 1 canon. it features stallison, petopher, and a looooooong ass outline that will never exist beyond my wips You Fill My Heart (With Such a Gentle Love) - this is a stetopher a/b/o au with pregnant omega stiles and alpha pair petopher falling in love. it started as a labour of love to someone I no longer have in my life. I have about 30k, a full outline, but idk. makes me sad to think about it they slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered - this is my big x-men first class rewrite that I honestly don’t think i’ll ever finish. I have a few thousand words, a full outline, but no love lost for cherik so. doubtful Physiotherapy (I'll Be Your Baby) - this was a fic I was SO excited about, and then it kinda flopped and stayed a wip because I didn’t have a plan or the motivation to finish it. it’s a winterspider human au with amputee bucky and science twink peter that I adore the premise of but who knows breathing you in chapter 2 - I have a massive second chapter planned for this fic but the first did so good so fast I am way too intimidated to write more in case everyone hates it lmao

there are more arjgoirjeg there are so many more but these are the bigger ones I can think of right now!

16) What are your writing strengths?

ughhhhh I hate answering this because I have, like, seriously bad imposter syndrome around my writing BUT I do think i’m able to weave poignant backstory into narration & i write strong, distinctive narrative voices!

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

literally I can’t write settings at all. I don’t know how people vividly describe settings but I absolutely cannot do that and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t delved into original fiction. I need to write the town my characters live in?? fuck that imma just use a location we’ve seen on screen & let readers fill in the blanks lmao

I am also shit at long fic. I don’t have the mind for long and interesting plots, and I don’t have the focus to write long fic (which is why every long fic i’ve ever posted has taken me literal years to complete smh).

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like it! both as a reader and as a writer. as a writer, I generally only use a few words, or small sentences that can be understood by context, and I generally don’t 

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the last thing I wrote and posted was this one:

Languish

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) | John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake | Bobby Drake, John Allerdyce, X-Men (Team) | Not Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Established Relationship, Summer, Teasing, Fluff

It was a really, really hot Saturday, and most of the school was outback, enjoying the sun, not caring about the heat, and having the time of their life.

Everyone but Bobby, of course, who was melting away.

“I just want to remind everyone that I make ice. I am the Ice Man. I am not built for the heat and soon enough I’m going to melt away into nothing.”

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

this is another impossible question! I have a few I really enjoy, but I really don’t think I have a favourite that stands out above the rest!

i’m tagging: @4magicandmayhem @insertmeaningfulusername @midrashic @wynnefic @ikeracity @stronglyobsessed @elledelajoie @wolfnprey​ & anyone else who sees it and wants to do it! seriously! go ahead :)

blank questions below the read more!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

16) What are your writing strengths?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

[fangirlwriting-stories]

Misery

Chapter One

Chapter Two:

Well.  That was… something.  Virgil ended up going back to his room after leaving Thomas to process the something that all of that was.

Thomas needed him.

It was something Janus had told both him and Remus countless times, usually referring to all three of them when he said so.  Thomas needs us.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

But after months of being shut down by the core sides and being told by Misery that he was the last side that deserved to be around Thomas, it was safe to say Virgil found that a little hard to believe.

And yet.

Virgil leaned back against the door that he would have to go out in just a minute to the dark side commons.  He tried to breathe and looked down at his stomach, which was the part of his body most in pain right now.  He lifted up his shirt slightly.  Yeah.  Pride had carved his name there.  Dickwad.

You make us better.

Virgil slid down against the door and squeezed his eyes shut.  That had definitely been one of the least expected parts of his day.  Patton he could have seen coming, and maybe even Logan after that whole “I don’t necessarily mind your company” thing.  But Roman had thrown such a curveball at him that Virgil hadn’t been sure how to direct the conversation back to the way he was supposed to be leaving forever.

And then even his attempts to think of one were cut off by the fact that all of these idiots had been in his room for too long.  So Virgil had decided to get them out before going back to the subconscious.

Which was when he realized that he couldn’t go back to the Subconscious.  Not after what had just happened.  What was he supposed to do now?  But before he even got a chance to really start panicking about that, they all continued to talk about the ways that Virgil could be helpful.  And suddenly he saw a possible way forward.

So he told them his name.  He couldn’t ask them for a show of trust, after all, if he didn’t first give them the same in return.  He had been planning on leaving it at that and going back, but then Roman, well-intentioned idiot that he is, had brought up the others.

Virgil had managed to shut it down fast enough that Janus would be proud, but now he was still here.

He couldn’t go back to the Subconscious again.  The universe had just drop kicked that fact at his head.  Meaning he had to come up with some other way to make this work.

He could maybe convince Malice to see reason, maybe.  Malice didn’t want anyone to stop him from his favorite pain-causing pastime, which might happen if he tried to lock Virgil up again.

Virgil took a shaky breath as a more likely possibility occurred to him.  It would probably be much easier to convince Janus to see reason.  Thomas was the most important thing to Janus, period.  If Virgil played the “keeping me in the Subconscious will hurt Thomas” card, it was pretty likely that Janus would lay down a rule against doing such a thing.  Trying to convince Janus not to lock him up and torture him wasn’t something Virgil thought he’d ever have to do, but here he was.

Virgil turned around and looked at his door.  Thomas needed him.  He couldn’t go back to the Subconscious.  And there were now eight sides standing in the way of him and that goal.

Okay.

Fight time, Virgil.

He clenched his left hand into a fist and took one last breath, then yanked open the door.

…And was met with the three sides he’d just rescued from his own room.

“Oh,” Patton said in surprise.  Roman blinked at him.  Virgil blinked back.

“Er, Virgil,” Logan said slowly.  “It seems like your room has moved up here now that Thomas has accepted you.  I was not aware that was going to happen.”

“I— wasn’t either,” Virgil stammered.

“Um, kiddo,” Patton said hesitantly.  “I know we just had a heartfelt moment and all, but if you don’t feel comfortable staying here you can go back—”

“No!” Virgil blurted, and all three of the core sides (was he supposed to be one of those now?) jerked backwards in surprise.  “I mean— uh— no, I can— I can stay here.  If— if that’s okay with you guys?”

Patton smiled reassuringly.  “Sure, kiddo.”

“It would not bother me in the slightest,” Logan said with a small nod.

“I would not object to such a thing,” Roman said, rubbing the back of his neck.  “Especially not when it seems we have quite a bit to make up to you.”

“Uh.  Okay, thanks,” Virgil said weakly, not sure how to communicate the way he was feeling.  Something in his chest that had been tense for a very, very long time seemed to have just snapped all of a sudden, and Virgil was a little struck by the whiplash of it.

There was another moment’s stretch of awkward silence, and Patton cleared his throat.  “Well, dinner will be in a couple hours, I suppose we’ll see you there?”

Virgil nodded, and reached for the doorknob behind him.  He really hoped none of them would see it as rude, but surely they would understand if he needed a minute to process.

He shut the door after him and thankfully heard some footsteps walking away, so at least he could be sure they wouldn’t be staring at his door for the next couple hours.

Virgil headed immediately to the bathroom and scrambled for his first aid kit.  Where was Misery, he should be coming here to tell Virgil all the things that were wrong with him soon, if he could just get his wounds bandaged before he got there—

Virgil stopped and set the first aid kit on the counter.  Misery couldn’t come upstairs.  None of the others could.  There was a reason they had been so irritated that Virgil was up here all the time to film videos, after all.

Virgil looked in the mirror for a minute, trying to process what he was feeling enough to look away.

He rubbed at the eyeshadow until it smeared and he could see the scars beneath.  Circumstances aside, he did kind of like the darker eyeshadow.  Maybe he’d keep it.  Wouldn’t that be a fun “Fuck you” to Malice.

The cuts under his eyes weren’t deep, and they’d already dried due to the gauze Malice had put there.  He could just cover them with the eyeshadow and it would be fine.

Virgil pulled his hoodie off and set it on the toilet.  No blood had stained it, but he’d definitely have to get rid of his shirt.  It’s not like he could wash it without the others noticing.

He pulled it off and looked at the wounds on his arms and stomach.  He grabbed the gauze and rewrapped them so they weren’t as sloppy, analyzing them as he did.  They’d heal fairly quickly.  They weren’t even that bad yet.  He imagined Malice had been planning something much worse before Virgil had escaped.

Oh, god.  He’d actually escaped.  He’d escaped from the others.

And— and from Remus, Remus and Janus who had wanted to—

Virgil pressed a hand to his mouth.  He leaned back against the wall opposite the sink and sank down to the ground.

It’s fine.

You’re fine.  Stop it, stop thinking about it.  You already knew they hated you, why is this a shock to you?  Besides, you’re gone, you’re not going to have to worry about it, you’re…

He was gone.  Virgil’s eyes widened.

He was gone.  Did that mean he would never have to worry about the others ever again?  Oh god, what would that even be like?  Was it as pathetic as he was thinking that he couldn’t even picture it?

Virgil banged his head back against the door and tried to breathe.  And tried, and tried, and tried, and—

He made it about ten seconds before he broke down sobbing.

It had been a long time since Virgil had seen anything like the others in his new family.  Logan could be prideful, yes, and Patton could have a little bit of toxic positivity sometimes and Roman could be a little mean, but they weren’t anything like the people Virgil had gotten away from.  They’d proved it to him and continued to prove it to him, after all.

Virgil hadn’t intended to ever tell them about anything, but life had a funny way of happening sometimes.  And really it was his own fault.  He was the one stuck in his past when he shouldn’t be, not when what was bothering him wasn’t happening anymore.

And the others did make him feel safer.  They honestly did.  Whenever he asked them if they could do something that would make him feel safer (not that he would ever phrase it that way), they did it without even asking the reason, which was… nice.  Really nice.  In a way Virgil wasn’t sure he would ever stop being grateful for.

He could also appreciate the feeling of being around people he could be sure loved him.  How could he not be sure, when Patton told him every day and Roman would follow it up with comments like “How could we have ever managed without our Dark and Stormy Nightmare?” and Logan would finish with begrudging comments about how he held Virgil in high regard.

Was there often a voice in the back of his head whispering that they were just lying?  Yes.  Was it becoming increasingly easy to whack the voice out of his head with a metaphorical sledgehammer?  Also yes.

Life was… good.  Virgil didn’t think he’d ever been able to say that before.

Which is why it was very annoying when his safe feeling was shattered one day.

He had a definitely bad habit of focusing too much on his scars sometimes.  Until he’d come here, he hadn’t realized just how many he had.  The others had really done an excellent job staying away from his face, until… well, until they hadn’t needed to anymore.

That day in particular, Virgil had been tracing Pride’s name carved into his stomach.  What if he really had done something wrong?  What if it hadn’t just been the fact that the others liked to cause pain?  What if he’d done something to deserve getting hated that much?  It definitely didn’t matter that he couldn’t think of a single thing it could be, it was still possible.  Oh god, what if it was all his fault?  What if he did something again without realizing and his new family started to hate him just as much and he couldn’t do anything about it because he had no idea what he’d done—

Virgil was just starting to spiral down these thoughts when his door suddenly opened with no warning.

“Virgil,” Logan said.  “I apologize for not knocking, and I do not want to worry you, but Roman has been injured on a quest.”

Virgil stood up in alarm and dropped his shirt before following Logan quickly from the room.  “What happened?” he asked as they ran for the steps, already feeling anxious.

“I believe he was fighting the Dragon Witch again and ended up getting a pretty nasty wound in his side,” Logan said.  “I didn’t want to worry you, but I figured you would want to be there.”

“You figured right,” Virgil muttered.  They headed down the steps to see Roman in the living room, and Patton kneeling next to him looking at what appeared to be a fairly large wound in his side.

“Okay,” Logan said.  “From what I know about first aid, we first should—”

“Give me that,” Virgil said, grabbing the first aid kit Logan had summoned and kneeling by Roman’s side.  “Patton, go find an old towel, would you?  Not one of the nice ones.  We’re going to need to put pressure on this.”

“Oh, um, okay,” Patton said, heading for the closet to get a towel.  Virgil looked at Roman’s wound, and ignored the look of surprise Roman was giving him.

“Okay, that’s not great, but it would be a lot worse if it was deeper,” Virgil muttered.  “Roman, are you able to move?”

“Um, yes,” Roman said.  “I got back here on my own, you all really don’t need to be fussing over me—”

“Shush.  Patton, where’s that towel?”

“Here you go,” Patton said, handing it to Virgil.  Virgil started pressing on the wound and made note of Roman’s wince.

“Logan, go get some painkillers, would you?”

“Alright,” Logan said, the only one who seemed to have gotten over his shock if the steadiness of his voice was anything to go by.  Virgil continued to press on the wound until Logan returned with painkillers and a glass of water.

“Roman, take those,” Virgil said.  “You’re going to need to wrap this for a while, but I don’t think it’s going to scar.  Patton, hand me the gauze and the medical tape.  Roman, sit up.  Logan, help him.”

Logan did just that.  “You are correct, it won’t scar,” he remarked.  “Wounds from the Imagination do not scar.”

Virgil thought for a second about how wounds in the Imagination weren’t supposed to exist, and he’d have to talk to Roman about that later, but for now he finished wrapping the wound, taped the gauze down, and checked Roman over for any other injuries.  When he didn’t find anything, he leaned back and took a breath to calm himself down.

“Woah, kiddo, that was… something,” Patton muttered.  “Where did you learn how to do all that?”

Virgil felt a spike of panic and took a minute to come up with something to say.  “I mean, I am the fight or flight instinct,” he settled on.  “Just because I don’t have to know how to treat wounds doesn’t mean it’s a terrible idea.  And you,” he turned to Roman in order to quickly change the subject.  “What the hell were you thinking?  Why would you let yourself get hurt on an adventure!”

“I obviously hadn’t intended to,” Roman said, sounding a little affronted.  “I didn’t expect the Dragon Witch to come out of nowhere like that!  Do you know how sharp her claws are?”

“Yeah, I just saw the evidence of how sharp her claws are,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes.  “Don’t be an idiot next time, okay?”

“Oh, of course, if I intend to get ambushed next time I go on an adventure, I’ll let you all know,” Roman said, throwing his hands up.

“Just be careful in the future, okay kiddo?  You worried us all,” Patton said.

“I…” Roman cleared his throat.  “Alright.  I’m sorry to have worried you.��

“Eh, don’t sweat it.  I can fix up your ass if I have to,” Virgil said, reaching out to help Roman move to the couch.  “Now you’re not going to move for a couple hours.  I’ll put on Disney.”

Virgil hadn’t really expected anything to come from that day, which is why he was surprised when he answered a knock on his door the next day to find Logan.

“Hey, Lo,” he said, pulling his headphones down to rest on his neck.  “What’s up?”

“I need to ask you about something that has deeply concerned me,” Logan said.

Virgil blinked.  “Well okay then Logan, tell me why you’re really here,” he muttered.

Logan tipped his head in confusion.  “I just did.  Do I need to repeat my—”

“No, no,” Virgil said, waving him off.  “Come on in.”

Logan followed Virgil into the room and Virgil shut the door behind them.  “So, what’s up?” he asked, turning to face Logan and leaning back against the door.

“I wanted to inquire about the markings I saw on your abdomen.”

One of Virgil’s hands flew to his stomach, and the other to the doorknob, as his heart flew to his throat.  “What?”

“Yesterday, when I came in.  They did not look good, Virgil, I just wanted to inquire if you were alright.”

“Well I’m fine,” Virgil said instantly.  “So you don’t need to inquire anymore.  Thanks.”  He pulled the door open and gestured for Logan to leave.

Logan didn’t, though.  “Virgil,” he said quietly.  “Are you hurt and not telling us?”

“I’m fine,” Virgil insisted.  “I’m fine now.  Why aren’t you interrogating Roman about the fact that you’re not supposed to be able to get hurt in the Imagination.”

“I was not aware that was a feature of the Imagination, but I will make a note to ask him about that later.  Right now, however, I am more worried about you.”

“Why?  I haven’t been hurt recently.”

“No, but you are being very defensive, and that makes me concerned that something might be wrong,” Logan said, crossing his arms with an indeed very concerned look on his face.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Does saying you haven’t been hurt recently mean that you were hurt on your abdomen?”

“Logan,” Virgil said desperately.  “Stop asking.”

Logan must have picked up on his distress, because he did stop, and folded his hands together in front of him.  “I apologize,” he said hesitantly.  “Is this distressing you?”

“Wow, nice deduction, Sherlock,” Virgil snapped, in a way that he definitely shouldn’t be doing, because Logan hadn’t really done anything wrong.  Virgil took a couple of shaky breaths and leaned against the side of the door.  He didn’t shut his eyes in case Logan was planning on coming any closer.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Logan took a moment to look at him, and he must have been convinced by something, because he nodded.  “Alright,” he said quietly.  “Please know that I am here if that changes, okay?”

Virgil nodded.  “Okay,” he croaked.  “Please leave.”  He opened the door and stepped out with it into the hallway until Logan walked past him, then caught one last glance of Logan’s concerned look before he slammed his door behind him and slid down against it.

Logan wasn’t going to hurt him.  He wasn’t looking for a weakness to exploit.  Nothing bad would happen if Virgil told him, but…

Logan would look at him differently.  He didn’t want pity, not from anyone.  If he told Logan, Logan would look at him like he was a sad little thing that had been through something unspeakable.  And Virgil still wasn’t quite sure he hadn’t been through exactly what he deserved.

But either way, he didn’t want to feel any of the shame that would come with telling someone else what had happened.

No, what he wanted was to go yell at Roman about how he shouldn’t be getting hurt in the Imagination so why was he.  That was far more important.

…

Roman had been surprised when they brought it up to him at dinner.  “What do you mean you can’t get hurt in the Imagination?  I’ve always been able to get hurt in the Imagination.”

“Not if you make it so you can’t,” Virgil said, crossing his arms.  “That’s what the Duke—” he stopped and cleared his throat, looking away.  “I know from experience.”

There was a moment of awkward silence around the table, and just as Virgil was about to say something else to save them from the awfulness of this conversation, Roman spoke up again.

“Well, I truly didn’t know that was something you could do,” he said.  Virgil glanced back over.  “I’ve always tried to make my quests as realistic as possible, that might have something to do with it?”

“That would make sense,” Logan said with a nod.  “You quite literally don’t know what you don’t know.  Though I would recommend adding that factor so we don’t have a repeat of yesterday.”

Roman shrugged.  “Yeah, alright.  That might be a good plan.  I don’t think I’d want a repeat of yesterday either.  You’re sure it won’t scar?”

“Imaginary wounds do not scar, logically speaking. I have yet to be hurt by a surprise attack from the Duke, on the rare occasion that I see him.”

Virgil flinched, and looked down to start picking at his food.  “How often do you see him though?” he muttered.

He had only half-intended for Logan to hear, but he responded a second later.  “It has happened enough times to draw a conclusion,” Logan said.  “And not only have I been able to heal the injury immediately, it has never left a mark on me.  Roman should be able to do the same if he—”

Virgil stood abruptly from the table and all but sprinted from the room.  He heard surprised calls from all three sides, but ignored them and ran up the stairs instead.  He headed for his bedroom and then into the bathroom, and sunk down against the sink.  He pulled his shirt up enough to start running his fingers over the scar that had taken up most of his attention lately.  Then he pulled his sleeves up and ran his hands along his arms.

Why were these here, then?  Why were they here if Logan had never been affected by Remus?  Why—

“Virgil?” A knock came on the bathroom door.

Virgil yelped and jerked upright, yanking his sleeves down and pressing himself further back against the sink.

“Virgil, can I come in?”

Virgil gripped the cabinet handles.  “Okay,” he whispered, making himself just loud enough for Logan to hear.

Logan pulled the door open and immediately knelt on the ground in front of Virgil like he’d expected him to be there.  “Are you alright?” he asked softly.

Virgil fisted his hand in the shirt right over his scar and shook his head.  “I am pathetic, Logan,” he whispered.  “I totally am pathetic.”

“I can assure you that you are no such thing,” Logan said.  “May I ask what is wrong?”

Virgil looked down at his hand.  He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his shirt up enough that Logan could see the scar there.

He could hear Logan’s sharp intake of breath, not sounding completely surprised.  There was a moment of silence and the sound of Logan shifting around.  When Virgil opened his eyes, Logan was sitting criss-cross in front of him.  “Okay,” Logan said quietly.  “Do you want to explain, or do you want reassuring physical contact?”

Virgil couldn’t help the choked-off laugh that escaped.  “Did you just say the words ‘reassuring physical contact’ out loud?” he asked, blinking a couple times very quickly.

“It is the most efficient way to ask if that is what you want, is it not?” Logan asked.  “I did not want to ask if you merely wanted a hug, you could have been unprepared for that kind of thing, or not want any contact at all right now.”

Virgil reached shakily for both of Logan’s hands and pulled them out in front of him, then set their joined hands on the floor.  Logan would have to rip his hands from Virgil’s if he wanted to hurt him now.

Logan didn’t do any such thing, though, and after a moment Virgil started talking.

“They, um.  Liked to hurt me,” he murmured.

“May I ask who ‘they’ is?” Logan asked gently.  “I’m assuming more than just Pride?”

Virgil was about to ask how Logan guessed that part and remember a second later that his name was carved into his fucking stomach.

He nodded.  “Um, Pride.  Cruelty.  Positivity.  Imprudence.  Malice.  Mi—”  Virgil took a shaky breath.  “Misery.”

Logan took a moment to absorb this. “Not Deceit or the Duke?”

Virgil’s breath caught.  “I don’t— um— they were— we were—”  He buried his head in his knees.  “I don’t know what we were, anymore,” he whispered.

Logan didn’t say anything to that.

“Can I tell you that part another time?” Virgil asked.

Logan nodded.  “Of course,” he murmured.

“I didn’t know you could… make the scars go away,” Virgil said.  “I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Would you like to try?” Logan asked.

Virgil looked up.  “What?”

“I can help you try, if you’d like.”

“Um.”  Virgil looked down at where the scar under his shirt was.  “Okay.  Yeah.  Yeah, I want to try.  What do you do?”

“Well,” Logan said.  “It’s important to remember that we’re all imaginary aspects of Thomas’ personality, who can already shapeshift.  Logically speaking, if we want to change an aspect of our appearance, we can do so, and there is no reason that should not extend to scars if the side in particular wants it to.”

Virgil nodded slowly.  “Okay.  That makes sense,” he muttered.  He pulled up his shirt and looked at the scar there, thought about what Logan said for a minute, then watched as it faded away.

His eyes widened, and he ran his hand over the now smooth skin.  “It’s gone,” he whispered.

He looked back up at Logan to see him smiling a little bit.  “Good job,” he said with a nod.

“Can I do that to the rest of them too?” Virgil asked.  He was going to pretend he didn’t see the sad look that flashed across Logan’s face.

“Logically speaking, that should be possible,” he said, placing a hand on Virgil’s knee and giving it a gentle squeeze.

Virgil pulled his sleeve up over his arm and ran his fingers over the scars there, then watched as all of them faded.  He didn’t want to take his whole shirt off while Logan was there, so he could do that later, but it was the first time he’d seen his arm without scars in years.  Maybe he could actually wear some short sleeves this summer.

He leaned back against the sink and breathed for a moment.  He looked warily up at Logan.  “Are you…” he stopped.

“Yes?”

“Are you going to pity me now?”

Logan looked curiously at him.  “Pity you?  No, Virgil, I am actually quite proud of you.”

Virgil blinked.  “What?  Why?”

“You have been through something horrible and traumatic,” Logan said, leaning back against the other wall.  “And yet you are here.  You are here, and still kind and loving, in your own way that is.”  He ended the sentence with an amused smile.

“But—” Virgil started.

“Virgil, that takes a tremendous amount of strength,” Logan said, his smile becoming much more genuine.  “I am proud of you for surviving, and getting yourself out of that situation.”

“I didn’t get myself out,” Virgil muttered, ducking his head down into his knees.  “My room just got moved over here.  None of us knew that was going to happen.”

“We did not, that is true,” Logan said.  “But that does not mean it required any less strength for you to leave.  And that is something to be proud of.”

Virgil absorbed that for a minute, then pulled his knees up to his chest and tucked his arms over them.  “Oh,” he said.  “Yeah?  You think so?”

Logan nodded.  “I do.”

Virgil leaned his head back against the cabinets and breathed again.  Logan didn’t seem to expect him to say anything else, and for a while he didn’t.

Finally, he nodded.  “Okay.”

They’d told Patton and Roman, of course.  This wasn’t the kind of thing they could just not tell them.  Virgil had given Logan his permission to tell them himself, because he hadn’t wanted to be there for the conversation.  Logan must have also told them how much talking about the topic seemed to bother him the first time, because none of them brought it up to him after Logan let him know he’d told them.  Meaning that despite one or two times he noticed Patton hugging him a little tighter or Roman being a little bit kinder than he had previously been, things continued mostly as normal.

Virgil honestly couldn’t be totally sure how he felt about everyone knowing now.  It hadn’t changed what he thought it would have, which was nice, but he couldn’t say he loved the idea of everyone else knowing how hurt and alone he’d been.  Granted, they’d probably assumed something of the sort when they thought he’d ducked out.  Should he clarify about that?

The real point was, for the first time in a long time, Virgil was starting to feel safe.  And maybe a little valued.

And then…

Then Janus showed up.

Virgil might have been a little bit more… snappy, than he’d expected to be, after he’d been sure that Janus really was there.  But the second he’d realized what was going on he was suddenly… really angry, in a way he also hadn’t expected.

They’d kicked Janus out of the video, which in Virgil’s opinion couldn’t have happened soon enough, and then he’d headed straight back to his room to process both what had just happened and Logan’s terrible alteration of the already horrible phrase “break a leg.”

The others must have gotten that Virgil wanted some time alone after that, because no one bothered him for a while after the video ended.

And he did want alone time.  He definitely did.  He didn’t want anything else.  He definitely didn’t want any kind of comfort or distraction or anything.  He didn’t need that.  He didn’t want someone to show up and tell him that this didn’t change anything because he already knew it didn’t—

Virgil stopped when he realized what he was doing and who exactly he didn’t want to summon by doing it.  Janus had been revealed to Thomas, he could come up here.  And he was not in the place to deal with that right now.

Virgil got up and headed out towards Patton’s door, because if he wanted emotional support, Patton was probably his best bet.  “Patton?” he called, knocking.

There was a moment of silence before Patton pulled the door open, and smiled in slight surprise when he noticed Virgil.

“Hey, kiddo.  I thought you’d be Roman with my tupperware.  Did you need something?”

“Nothing’s going to change, right?” Virgil asked, sounding a little more desperate than he wanted to be.

Patton’s smile faded.  “Oh, kiddo.  Of course not.  Do you want to come in?”

Virgil nodded and followed Patton back into his room.  They both sat on his bed, and Patton reached for Virgil’s hands and gently squeezed them.  “Virgil,” he said gently.  “You know you’re not responsible for Deceit’s actions, right?  Him revealing himself to Thomas doesn’t say anything about you.”

“I… I know that,” Virgil muttered.  “I’m just… what if you guys were only okay with me having been one of them as long as they weren’t here, and it was just, like, an abstract concept?  What if everyone is suddenly realizing ‘oh, shit, Virgil was a terrible person before’ and—”

“Hey,” Patton said, squeezing Virgil’s hands again.  “First of all, you were not a terrible person, mister, so you can cut that out right now.  And second, how much we love you does not depend on where you come from, okay?  I can promise you that all of us understand that.  It’s okay, kiddo.  No one is going to think differently of you just because we may see Deceit every now and then.”

“Well, it sounds kinda silly when you put it that way,” Virgil mumbled.

“It’s not silly.  It’s okay to be worried, and I’m happy to give some reassurance if you want it.”

Virgil looked down at his and Patton’s still joined hands.  “Okay,” he said.  He paused and bit his lip as he thought something else over.  “…Hey Pat?”

“Yes?”

“I… I’m really angry at him.  I wasn’t expecting to be so angry.  Do you know why?  What’s going on?”

“Well,” Patton said slowly.  “I can’t always explain your feelings for you, kiddo.  So if that’s what you want me to do, you might be out of luck.  But no matter what, it’s okay to be angry.  Do you want to maybe explain what you were thinking when he showed up?”

“I— I don’t know,” Virgil stammered.  “I just— Patton, this place was like— like one of my only safe havens.”  He looked down at the blanket below him and started fidgeting with it.  He’d never talked about this with Patton before.  “When I was down there, seeing anyone was a bad thing, because it meant someone wanted to— to hurt me in some way.  But it wasn’t always like that with him, and then he just— he—” Virgil cut himself off.  “Why does he just get to show up here like everyone down there didn’t ruin my life?  Why does he get to pretend like everything is fine as if I wasn’t dealing with so much bullshit that I— I shouldn’t have had to deal with!”  He pulled his hands back and started tugging hard on his hoodie strings.  “I didn’t deserve what I went through, Patton,” he said.  “Why didn’t he do anything?”

Patton was quiet for a long moment.  “Okay,” he said, and Virgil tried to ignore the slight crack in his voice.  “So there’s some things to unpack there.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Virgil muttered, glaring down at the bedspread.

“Language,” Patton scolded lightly.  “Okay, first of all, it sounds like you’re angry because you don’t think you deserved what you went through, which is a good thing.  Because that’s true, Virgil.”

“It’s not…” Virgil trailed off.  “I… I don’t know.  It’s not really something I think… all the time.  I think it’s easier when there’s someone I can be angry at.”

“That makes sense,” Patton said with a small nod.  “And I think that’s okay for now.  But I don’t really think I could answer your second question.”  He gave a sad smile.  “I wasn’t there.  Are you sure Deceit knew?”

“He knew,” Virgil muttered.  “Right before I left at least, if not before.”

Patton nodded a little.  “Okay.  Well, I don’t know why he didn’t do anything then.  I don’t think I could answer that without it reflecting negatively on Deceit, and correct me if I’m wrong but it… doesn’t seem like that’s what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want,” Virgil admitted.  “I know what I want from him, but I don’t think I’m going to get it.”

Thankfully, Patton didn’t ask, because Virgil wasn’t sure how to tell him that what he really wanted was an apology and a promise to do better.  Patton didn’t like Janus, he probably wouldn’t like hearing that Virgil still cared under all the anger.  Why even did he care?  Janus didn’t care about him.  He should have returned the favor a long time ago.

“I guess…” he sighed.  “I guess I just want to not have to deal with my world falling apart again.”

“You’re not going to have to deal with that,” Patton said firmly.  “Kiddo, you have reason to believe that the future will be positive.  And if anyone tries to hurt you again…” Patton gave a tight-lipped smile.  “Well, I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to say what I’d do.”

Virgil laughed a little.  “Dang.  Well they better watch out, then.”

“That’s right.  Nothing worse than an angry Dad facing people who hurt his kiddo.”

“Okay, enough cute talk,” Virgil said, nudging Patton backwards a little.  “Can we go find the others?  You think Roman could set up a picnic in the Imagination for dinner?”

“I think that’s a great idea.  It’ll give him an excuse to keep hunting for my tupperware.”

Virgil smirked.  “You think he lost it?”

“He definitely lost it,” Patton said with a firm nod.  “But a picnic sounds nice anyway.  I’ll find Logan, you find Roman?”

“Deal,” Virgil said, standing up and following Patton out of the room, and enjoying the more positive feeling that had either come from Patton, or his room, or most likely both.  Maybe things would be okay.  They’d been alright so far.

Ugh.  Nevermind.  He had definitely spent too long in Patton’s room if he was being optimistic.

Virgil shook his head and smiled a little anyway as he went to go find Roman.

Virgil wasn’t sure how long he’d be able to avoid Janus with how he was suddenly coming around now, but his luck had seemed to run out around Christmastime, because of course it did.  Wasn’t it just like Janus to ruin Christmas, and the fact that he ruined it when it was Halloween-themed just made the whole thing worse.

At least the interruption was mercifully short, even though it still put Virgil a little more on edge than he would have been otherwise, which was obviously Janus’ intention.  He still didn’t want to take out that energy on anyone he cared about though, so it was almost a good thing when Janus showed up to talk about the stupid callback.  Almost.

Roman was a little down in the dumps afterwards, and Virgil knew the idea of giving up the callback wasn’t fun for him.  Just because he didn’t see it as a priority in the same way didn’t mean that he couldn’t be disappointed for Roman.

There was another part to that though, and that was that Roman had finally stopped looking at Janus as the incredibly nice person who sometimes made good points.  That was definitely a plus side to this whole thing.  And as disappointed as Virgil was for Roman, if this kind of situation was what it took to keep Roman safe from Janus, Virgil couldn’t really object to it that much.

He still didn’t like Roman’s moping, though.  Which is why he was currently here.

Roman finished swiping at the beast he was fighting as Virgil watching from the sidelines with a roll of gauze in his pocket, even though he wouldn’t need it because Roman had set it so that he couldn’t get hurt here forever ago, and Virgil would have screamed his head off if he had changed that back for any reason.

Roman turned to face Virgil with a slightly-smaller-than-usual smile.  “Well!  That’s that I suppose.  Thank you for accompanying me, Virgil.”

“It doesn’t have to be the end if you don’t want it to be,” Virgil said, trying to come up with an excuse for Roman to keep them here for a little longer without making it obvious that’s what he was doing.  The whole point of this was to cheer Roman up, after all.

“Would you like to do something else?” Roman asked.

“Well, I mean… are you really going to kill the monster and not give everyone in the kingdom a chance to sing your praises?  Seems to me like you deserve it,” Virgil said with a shrug.

Roman gave him a larger smile.  “You know what Stormcloud, you are absolutely right!” he called.  “Come, let us mount our steeds, and we shall return to the kingdom!”

“Ah, and what adventure would be complete without the signature Egotistical Prince voice,” Virgil said with a smirk.

“It is critical to the experience!” Roman proclaimed, untying the imaginary horse he’d made from the imaginary tree he’d tied it to.  Virgil untied his own imaginary horse and climbed on top of it.

The ride back to the kingdom didn’t take long, and he wasn’t surprised by the cheerful voices of the subjects as they greeted and praised Roman for killing the monster that had been endangering them.

Virgil rather liked the way Roman used his Imagination.  The people stayed pretty much the same, and that meant he had managed to get attached to a couple of them.  Catherine the baker made excellent pastries, and Virgil could always appreciate them.  Maxwell the blacksmith always let him try out a couple of the weapons if he wanted to, and though most of the time it would take too long for Virgil a while to convince himself he wouldn’t get hurt, the few times he’d done target practice on a good anxiety day had been some of his favorite memories with Roman.

He wondered sometimes if Remus had started making people after he didn’t have to worry about Virgil’s “no one gets hurt” protocol anymore.  He’d definitely enjoy ripping some people to shreds.

Roman had made a large castle in the distance, but he still spent most of his time down in the village with his subjects when they ended up here.  Today, they ended up in Catherine’s bakery to eat one of her cherry pies.

Patton might end up irritated that they spoiled their dinner, but he’d definitely understand when they told him what they’d eaten instead.

Roman stood after they finished.  “Thank you, Virgil,” he said with a smile.  “This was a fantastic suggestion.  Shall we start heading back now?”

“What?  No, of course not!” Virgil called, jumping up too.  “We’re just getting started!”

Roman gave him a look.  “Okay, Knightmare, what’s going on?  You never want adventures to last this long.  They freak you out.”

“What?  No they don’t,” Virgil said, rubbing the back of his neck.

Roman gave him a look.

“Okay, maybe a little.  I just… really want to spend time with you is all!”

“We don’t have to go on an adventure to do that.”

“Well— uh—” Virgil sighed and sat back down.  “Okay, fine.  I was just… trying to cheer you up is all.  I mean, after the last video, I just…”

“Oh, is that all?” Roman said, pasting on an obviously fake smile.  “Well, there’s no need to do something like that!  I’m fine, Virgil!”

“Roman.”

“Why would a hero be disappointed after doing what’s right?  Honestly Virgil, this was all just silly on your part!  Come on, let’s go home—”

“So you can avoid me for the rest of the day by hiding in your room so I don’t see how upset you absolutely are?” Virgil said, rolling his eyes.

“What?  No, of course not, I—”

“Roman, come on.  You said yourself in the video that it wasn’t easy for you.  It’s okay if you’re disappointed.”

“I…” Roman must have seen that Virgil wasn’t going to let up, because he sighed and sat back down.  All of the other people in the bakery either went to the back or outside, so Roman must have wanted the feeling that they were completely alone, even if they technically already were.

“I meant what I said,” he continued.  “Thomas wouldn’t want to achieve his goals through deceptive means.  But it still feels…”  He sighed.  “I don’t know, Virgil.”

“That’s okay,” Virgil said.  He knew when he came in here that he wasn’t going to be as good at this as, say, Patton, but he’d still wanted to try.  “I think it’s okay to be disappointed even if you think you made the right choice.”

“I…” Roman ran a hand through his hair.  “I don’t know if I do think I made the right choice, Virgil.  I’m supposed to help Thomas achieve his goals.  Shouldn’t I be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen?”

“No,” Virgil said firmly.  “No one should do whatever it takes to make their goals happen.  That’s why you made the choice you did.  If Thomas went to the callback and got the part he would feel guilty, Roman.  Is that really how you’d want to do this?”

Roman was silent for a minute.  “I’m not going to change my mind,” he said, glancing up.

Virgil blinked.  “Uh.  Good?  What does that have to do with this?”

“If that’s why you’re here—”

“It’s not,” Virgil said.  “Roman, I meant what I said.  I’m here because you seemed bummed and I wanted to cheer you up.”

“I don’t know if you can do that right now,” Roman sighed, leaning back in his chair.  “Not all the way.  But I appreciate the effort.”

Virgil stood up and offered a hand to Roman.  “You want to go somewhere else?”

Roman nodded.  He stood up and took Virgil’s hand, and the Imagination shifted around them until they were both high up in the air, in a hot air balloon, with the sunrise in the background.

“Roman, I swear to Thomas if this thing breaks,” Virgil said, moving closer to the middle of the balloon.

“It won’t.  And even if it does we can’t get hurt, remember?” Roman said, leaning over one of the edges.

Virgil took a breath to calm himself and sat down.  Roman joined him a second later.

“Thanks for trying to cheer me up,” Roman said.  “I just think I’m going to be upset about this for a while.”

Virgil nodded a little.  “That’s okay.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Even if I think I ultimately did the right thing?”

“Yes.”

Roman leaned back on his hands.  “Okay.”

They were both quiet after that, and after a while the feeling that the hot air balloon was going to tear on a ridiculously tall tree faded, and Virgil watched the sunrise and enjoyed the birds that were passing them.

“Next time have us flying through a storm,” Virgil said.

“You want me to bring the side that gets freaked out by adventuring into a storm while riding in a hot air balloon.”

“Absolutely.  I won’t get scared at all.  Besides, it matches my logo.”

Roman snorted and shook his head.  “You are in fact something else, Stormcloud.”

…

Roman at least seemed to be feeling a little better after that, if still disappointed.  But Virgil had meant it when he said that was okay.  He was the last side who was going to yell at Roman for being upset about something.  The things he normally got upset about were so inconsequential that it would just make him a hypocrite.

He hadn’t really expected Roman to want to talk about it again, if the way he usually dealt with being upset was any indication, but Roman showed up at his door the next day looking determined.

He marched into his room holding a notebook with some kind of list on it, which was when Virgil realized that his original assumption was still probably right, and he probably didn’t want to talk about the callback again.

“Uh, can I help you Princey?” Virgil asked, sitting down on his bed.

“Actually, I am trying to help you, if you’d like,” Roman said.

Virgil raised an eyebrow.  “Okay?”

“Can I ask you something that might end up being kind of personal?”

“Um…” Virgil tried to consider where he was mentally today.  He could probably handle a personal conversation.  He shrugged.  “Yeah, sure.”

“Why don’t you like adventures?”

Nope, nevermind.  Personal conversations were a nightmare.

Virgil swallowed.  “I don’t know if you’d want to hear about this.”

“Well, I…” Roman cleared his throat awkwardly.  “I very much enjoyed spending time with you yesterday the way we did.  I wondered if there was something I could do to help you enjoy adventures more, or ways to make ones where we could both have fun.  But if it’s just too much as a whole you’re not required to, of course,” he finished quickly, holding his hands up.

“No, I get what you mean,” Virgil said.  “It’s just… not a happy story.”

“Stories… are not always happy,” Roman said hesitantly.

Virgil gave a bitter chuckle.  “Ain’t that the truth,” he mumbled.  “Okay.  Um.  You know how I used to spend most of my time with Deceit and your brother?”

Roman nodded.

“Well, you also know there were a ton of other sides down there too, and they didn’t know our names, and we didn’t really like some of them, and I uh, well you know what they did to me.”

Roman nodded again, though he now looked like he was trying to suppress some anger.  Virgil looked away so he wouldn’t have to focus on that.

“So, we ended up spending most of our time in the Imagination.  And with the two of them being, uh, them, we did stuff like blowing things up, and fighting whole armies of monsters, and blowing more things up.  Uh, Remus really likes explosives.”

“I can imagine,” Roman said, rolling his eyes.

“Heh, yeah.  So, Remus used to make it so you couldn’t get hurt in the Imagination, because that let me actually have fun and not have to worry about me or someone else getting hurt and not being there to protect them.”

“He… really, he did that?” Roman asked curiously.  “That doesn’t sound like him.”

“I think I just annoyed him after one too many panic attacks when we were younger,” Virgil muttered.  “But he must have gotten fed up eventually, because one day—”

“He turned the filter off again?” Roman asked, eyes widening.

“Uh, not exactly, no.  I think… I think Imprudence might have found a way to do that.  Or something.  Or maybe Misery just ended up making me scared enough that I managed to shut it off on my own.  But I don’t think it was Remus’ fault.  He didn’t even really do anything at first.  At first it was just Imprudence dragging me along on a crazy risky adventure and not caring when I got hurt.”

Roman shook his head as he seemed to absorb that.  Then he glanced back up a second later.  “Wait, if Imprudence is the one that did this, why bring up my brother?  Just the fact that it was his Imagination?”

“Uh, no,” Virgil said.  He sighed and looked away.  “I think that was around the time that he got fed up again, because next time we went into the Imagination together, I got hurt again.”

Roman’s gaze darkened.  “And he didn’t care?”

“He… I don’t…” Virgil looked down, trying to puzzle out the conflicting memories in his head.  “I don’t know.  Maybe he would have then.  But he doesn’t now.”

“What?  Why not?  What changed?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil muttered.  “I…”  He sighed.  “Did I ever tell you guys what happened the day I ducked out?”

Roman shook his head.

Virgil took a deep breath.  “Okay.  Maybe that’s a story for another time.  It doesn’t really have anything to do with what you’re asking me anyway.  I just… I think that kind of got rid of the ‘Imagination is safe’ mindset that I had, so I can’t really have fun on adventures anymore.”

Roman shook his head.  “That’s awful,” he said.  “They just took that from you.”

“I’m okay, Roman.”

“No, I’m serious, I—” Roman gave a harsh sigh and shook his head.  “I would do unspeakably cruel things to them if I ever got my hands on any of them.”

“That’s not very princely of you,” Virgil said, raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t get princely behavior when you hurt my family,” Roman said firmly.  He sighed a second later.  “But if you do not wish for me to hurt anyone then I won’t.”

Virgil blinked, startled at the idea of that being left up to him.  He’d never once had that kind of power.  He didn’t really have any clue what he wanted to do with it.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” Virgil muttered finally.  “And there’s way more of them.  And they have other ways to incapacitate you besides beating you in a fight.”  Just ask Misery.

Roman sighed and crossed his arms.  “Understood.  I still think I could take out a few of them and it would definitely be worth it.  They need to pay.”

“Well, I’m here now.  If nothing else, they probably don’t like that they lost their plaything.”

Roman looked back at him more quickly than Virgil expected.  “Virgil, that— that’s not how you see yourself, is it?”

Virgil shook his head.  “No.  But that’s how they saw me.  That’s probably still how they see me.  And I just… I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of hurting me ever again.  I’m not going to give them that satisfaction ever again.”

“Good, because they won’t.  If for no other reason then because I would never allow it.”

Virgil smiled a little.  “Thanks, Roman.  And for the record, I do get it.  I hate them too.”

Roman smiled back.  “Good,” he said again.  He walked over to sit on the bed.  “Now, anyway.  Back to the reason I came here,” he said, looking down at the notebook he’d brought with him.  “It sounds like what you’d need to enjoy an adventure would be an obvious safety net.  Something that you could look at that would reassure you that everything around you was safe.”

“That… does sound like it would help,” Virgil admitted.

“Okay,” Roman said.  He scribbled a couple things down, then flipped the page and started sketching something.  When he finished, he handed the notebook to Virgil.  On the page was what looked like a rather simple device, just a square box with a button on it.

“How about something like this?” Roman asked.  “I could make you a failsafe, that if you feel like the adventure is getting to be too much or you’re worried someone will get hurt, you can just hit the button and everything would freeze until you hit the button again, to unfreeze everything?”

Virgil considered that for a moment.  “That… that sounds nice, Princey,” he said, and his voice definitely didn’t crack in any way, that would be stupid.

Roman beamed.  “Wonderful!  I’ll get started on that today, and when you feel up for something, just come ask me!”

Roman seemed ready to jump up and get started, but Virgil stopped him by pulling him into a hug.  “Thanks, Roman,” he mumbled into his shoulder.

Roman returned the hug.  “Of course,” he said.  “Think nothing of it.  I’ll enjoy this very much too, after all.”

Eventually, Virgil pulled back and let Roman climb up, after which he clutched his notebook to his chest with a cheerful remark that he’d go get started.

Virgil laid back on his bed and smiled up at the ceiling.  This didn’t sound like a terrible idea at all.  Maybe if they could keep turning Janus’ actions into something like this, things would still turn out okay.

Remus, as always, threw a wrench into everything just by being himself.

His introduction video freaked Virgil out beyond belief, and he wasn’t even the one who ended up the worst off from it.  Patton had gone through a major existential revelation, Roman had been whacked in the head with a morningstar at the beginning of the video and Logan had gotten his teeth knocked out of his mouth and also been temporarily murdered.

They’d reached a better point by the end of the video, or at least, that had been what Virgil thought they’d reached, before he’d gone and fucked everything up by telling Thomas that he’d used to be a dark side.

He ended up in his room like he had when Janus first showed up, but unlike when that had happened, this time he was pretty sure he genuinely wanted to be alone.  He already knew that Patton, Roman, and Logan didn’t think any differently of him because he used to be a dark side, but Thomas?  Thomas hadn’t known until now.  There was no telling what his reaction would be.

Virgil took as deep a breath as he could currently manage.  It would probably be fine, probably.  Thomas had to know he didn’t want to go back, right?  He had to know he didn’t want to be anything like the people he’d left behind, the ones he knew about anyway.  He would probably be able to better explain himself if he also told Thomas about… the others others, but he’d had enough big emotional reveals for one day, and he didn’t know if he could take anything else.  Not with Thomas, anyway.

Virgil paused as he considered that.  There were other sides he could still talk to that would probably understand exactly why telling Thomas this would freak him out so much.  Maybe he could try and talk to Roman again.  The creative side had for some reason become the one he went to when he needed reassurance as of late.

He could probably use some cheering up too, as whatever amount Virgil had managed to cheer him up after the last video was probably thrown out the window when Remus showed up.

Virgil sighed and pushed himself off his bed, then headed through the hall towards Roman’s room.  When he knocked, however, the door swung open and the room was empty, which definitely wasn’t a good sign.

The door to the Imagination was open too, meaning Roman was probably in there.  Virgil had left his button back in his room, but if Roman was in a bad mood he probably wouldn’t need it anyway.  He took a couple steps in, and sure enough, it was a cloudy day with no sign of any kind of monster or beast to fight.

“Roman?” Virgil called, just in case he was nearby.  No one responded, and Virgil started for the castle in the distance, which was usually where Roman ended up if he wanted to mope.  He kept an eye on the clouds overhead as he did, but it didn’t look like they were in danger of pouring down on him, and even if they did, Roman could snap his fingers and dry him off instantly if Virgil showed up to the castle wet.

He started making his way through the forest between here and the kingdom, and trying to listen to the birds tweeting to calm himself down.  Just because he didn’t think he’d need the button didn’t mean that being in the Imagination alone wasn’t scary.  He didn’t think he’d have been able to deal with any kind of surprises, which was why the calm Imagination was exactly what he needed right now.

He couldn’t really say he was surprised when Remus didn’t get that memo.

“Virgey!”

Virgil shrieked as Remus slammed into him.  “Remus, get off me!” he cried, shoving the other side backwards and into the tree of the other side of the pathway he was walking on.

“Aww, but you haven’t given me a hug in far too long Virgil!  I have to compensate by tackling you!”

“You really don’t,” Virgil snapped, clenching his hands into fists to disguise and distract from his heart starting to race in his chest.  “In fact, how about instead you get the fuck out?”

“Ugh, what’s your problem?” Remus said, yanking one of the small tree branches off and starting to pick at his teeth with it, apparently missing the way that Virgil slid about three feet backwards the second that he did.

“My problem is I was busy.  I’m trying to go find the brother that you knocked out for most of the morning.”

“Ew, you spend time with Ro-bro voluntarily?  Gross.”

“At least he’s better company than you,” Virgil spat, hoping Remus would take the hint and go away.

Instead, he just smiled wider.  “Oh, Virgin, you know you love me.  Or at the very least you miss all my sex jokes.”

Virgil glared away and was going to pretend the first part of that sentence didn’t sting.  “Why are you even here?”

“Um, Thomas knows about me?  I’m allowed over here now.  And if you think I’m not going to take advantage of that by bugging Ro-bro, it really has been too long since you’ve seen me.”

“Get out,” Virgil snapped.  “Roman doesn’t need any more shit right now.”

“Well dang it, and here I was thinking he’d like this bucket of shit I was going to dump on his porch,” Remus called, summoning a bucket that definitely smelled less than awesome.

“You’re disgusting,” Virgil grumbled, turning his back as much as he dared and starting towards Roman’s castle again.

Remus just continued to follow, though, at least vanishing the bucket as he did.  “What’s with the crab walk?  Oh, are you actually trying to practice walking like a crab?  I could give you some real crab legs if that would be helpful.  That’s how I do it.”

Sure enough, a second later, Remus made two large red crab legs appear, coming out of the sides of his stomach.  “They hurt like a bitch!” he called.  “Want some?”

Virgil flinched backwards.  “No,” he hissed.  “Get away, asshole.”

“You want to help me mess with Roman?  We could blow up his kingdom, it could be like a blast from the past,” Remus said with a grin, nudging Virgil in the side with one of his crab legs.

“You’re not funny,” Virgil grumbled, shifting as far away from Remus as the path would allow.  It’s not like he was going to run through open woods with Remus on his tail.  He tried to focus on the fact that Roman had made it so he absolutely definitely couldn’t get hurt in here, and not the fact that it was becoming slightly harder to breathe.

“And you’re no fun anymore!” Remus called.  “You want to do something else instead?  We could burn the forest down,” Remus said, looking around with a wild look that Virgil did not like.  “Or we could go find some of those villagers that Roman makes for no damn reason.  You want to teach him a lesson by killing some of them?”

Before he could think it through in the way that he probably should have, Virgil took off through the forest, trying to run fast enough to calm his breathing and heart rate down— which was probably going to have the opposite effect of what he desired.

Especially when he heard Remus start laughing and chase after him.  “Hell yeah, chase sequence!” he called.

“Get out you dickwad!” Virgil screamed behind him, which also didn’t have much of the desired effect if the way that Remus’ started to gleefully cackle was anything to go by.

He eventually made it to the edge of the forest, which at least gave him more than one direction to run, and he turned and started to sprint for the nearby creek that flowed down from the cliff.  Absolutely no change he was going up it, but there were caves he could probably hide in if he got far enough ahead of Remus.

That didn’t seem to be terribly likely, though, because a second later Virgil looked back and saw Remus not three feet behind him.

Okay, new plan.  Virgil moved slightly to the side and stopped running, and sure enough, Remus kept running past him for a couple seconds, which gave Virgil time enough to spin around and start running in the other direction.

He made it to one of the caves and was debating whether to look back when Remus must have decided to jump or something, because a second later he was tackled again and they both ended up tumbling onto the ground.

“That was fun!” Remus called happily, apparently deciding to completely ignore the way that Virgil had thrown his hands over his face and was starting to shake.  Instead, he took Virgil’s arms and pulled them both to their feet, which was… confusing.  It had to have been easier for Remus to hurt him if he was crouched over him while also on top of him.  “I didn’t know you liked predator and prey roleplay!  What do you want to do now?” He started bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Virgil hesitantly pulled his hands down from his face to look at him.

He didn’t look particularly like he wanted to hurt him right now.  In fact, he’d just wasted his best opportunity to do so.  But maybe that would change if he wasn’t having fun.  Maybe Virgil should just go along with it?  That had worked a couple times in the past with sides like Imprudence.

He swallowed.  “Do you have a suggestion?”

Remus lit up.

…

“And when you pull the parachute string, the parachute should have a giant picture of my dick!” Remus screamed.  “Get it, that’s why the parachute is so big!”

“I hate you!” Virgil screamed, hoping his voice couldn’t be heard over the wind and knowing that even if it was Remus probably wouldn’t care.

“Okay, drop zone is coming up!” Remus called.

“Are you sure this a good idea?” Virgil yelled back.

“Virgey, you gotta get out of your head sometimes!  Things are more fun if you don’t think them through.  Now let’s go!”  He pointed towards the outside of the plane.

Virgil turned and jumped before Remus could shove him and tried to resist the urge to tuck himself into a small ball and scream his lungs out, as that would be dangerous in two ways from so high up in the air.  Remus, on the other hand, flew past him from the other side, having already made himself as small as possible in order to fall faster.

Virgil tried to take as deep a breath as possible and resist the urge to pull his chute right then and there.  Remus said pulling it too early meant they could miss the landing zone, and Virgil had no idea what Remus would do to him if that happened.  The alarm that Remus had installed on the backpack would apparently go off when it was time to pull the chute, since they were without any kind of jump instructor.

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe.  It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay, it’s going to be okay, Virgil.

Alarm.  Virgil yanked the chute open, and opened his eyes just in case something went wrong and he had to prepare for his imminent—

Woah.

That was a view.

Remus must have pulled on his strings enough to maneuver him closer because he was suddenly just above Virgil.  “Hey, Emo, check this out!” he called.  He waved his hands towards the clouds above them, and suddenly thunder rumbled, soft enough that it sounded like it was distant, had Remus done that?  Raindrops started to fall, cool enough to be pleasant, and Virgil could breathe with far more ease than during freefall.  Birds flew a little ways below them.  Remus would probably try and kick one.

“I can manipulate the Imagination over here too!” Remus called happily, and Virgil glanced back up at him to find him starting to grin mischievously.  “I’m sure this will be useful later.”

“Oh, great,” Virgil muttered, looking back at the view around them.  The castle in the distance seemed much smaller from high up in the air like this, and with the weight of the parachute slowing his fall, Virgil found himself only half deeply terrified of crashing into the ground and dying without his failsafe button.

Remus did in fact seem to be aiming to kick one of the birds, but otherwise Virgil was surprised by how peaceful everything seemed.  What was Remus playing at?

Virgil wasn’t sure if it was Remus’ intention to get him to let his guard down, but he was a little embarrassed to admit it was kind of working, especially after Remus landed his kick on the bird and seemed to take such a delight in doing so that he didn’t stop grinning the rest of the way down.  The view was amazing, and the breeze and raindrops were both calm enough to cool him down without making him cold or interfering with his parachute.  The thunder tumbled above them while still sounding like it was coming from far away.  Virgil breathed in the rain smell and sighed on the exhale.

At first he almost thought they landed too soon.  And then a second later he was sure they did, because Remus was turning to face him and bouncing excitedly again.  “What now?” he asked, grinning way too wide for Virgil’s comfort.

“Uh— I don’t know,” Virgil stammered.  “What do you want to do?”  Maybe he just had to last until someone noticed his absence.  It was a couple hours until dinner, someone would pick up on something then, right?

“I just picked,” Remus said.  “Come on, it’s your turn.  I want to see how boring you’ve gotten without J-anus and I around.”

Oh, god, he was definitely supposed to pick the right thing, whatever Remus had in mind as such.  He was dealing with Remus, that could be anything.  Okay, okay, probably something Remus would want to do for fun.  Like… uh…

“Um… you still want to blow up Roman’s village?” Virgil asked weakly.

Somehow, Remus beamed even wider.  “Well, look who warmed up to the idea!  Come on, let’s go kill some of the villagers!”  He grabbed Virgil’s hand and started pulling them back towards the kingdom.

“What, no!” Virgil blurted.

Remus stopped and turned to give Virgil a curious look.  “Why not?”

“They— I— I don’t— please don’t hurt them,” Virgil squeaked, feeling like the most pathetic person on the face of the planet.

Remus seemed to think so too if his laugh was anything to go by.  “Virgey, they’re not real, dummy.  They can’t even feel pain.”

“Yeah but they— they—” Virgil didn’t know how to explain any of the thoughts running through his head in a way that wouldn’t piss Remus off, from the way that he didn’t think he’d be able to stomach watching Catherine or Maxwell die, to the way that watching Remus kill someone as a way to prevent himself from getting hurt felt scummy, and definitely wouldn’t do wonders for how anxious he already was, to the fact that the absolute last thing he wanted to do right now was go anywhere near explosives again with the likes of Remus.

Unfortunately, the longer it took him to get his thoughts in order, the more worried he got about pissing Remus off, which in turn just made it take longer to get his thoughts in order, and now Virgil was halfway to a panic attack and Remus was noticing.

“Oh wait, uh shit I’m so bad at this uh— Virgil?  Hey try and breathe, okay?”

Virgil had barely managed to process that sentence before Remus was moving towards him, and Virgil was scrambling backwards in the landing area that had nothing to hide behind, and he couldn’t focus long enough to tell if Remus was going to stop coming closer.  Before Virgil could scream anything at Remus about leaving, or try and focus enough to just sink out, he tripped over his own feet and landed hard on the ground, then threw his arms in front of his face on instinct.  He braced for the blow that was definitely coming, and flinched hard backwards when a hand touched his arms a second later.

But the hand just pulled his arm down from in front of his face and then started tapping on it.  Virgil wasn’t entirely sure what the tapping was for, but it was slow and calming enough that eventually his breathing started to slow down to match it, and when he finally managed to stop outright panicking, he opened his eyes to see Remus, kneeling down in front of him and looking… concerned?

“What are you doing?” Virgil croaked, pulling his hand away and scooting further backwards.

“Oh, well I was thinking that you probably couldn’t hear me talking over how loud your breathing was, so I was trying to tap a slower rhythm on your hand, which wasn’t that hard, you were breathing really fast—”

“Why haven’t you hurt me yet?”

Remus stopped talking and proceeded to blink at Virgil for a couple seconds.  “What are you talking about?  Why would I do that?”

“Wha— because I had a panic attack and now we don’t get to go do the thing you wanted to do?”

“Oh, yeah, because hurting you when you’re already panicking is definitely going to help,” Remus said, rolling his eyes.  “Is this you trying to be self deprecating?  I don’t care about the stupid village if you’re—”  He cut himself off and looked at Virgil in silence again.  Virgil tried not to feel like he was being stared at under a microscope.

“…You’re not.  You— do you actually think I’m going to hurt you?”

“Uh.”  Virgil didn’t know what Remus wanted him to say to that.  “Yeah?”

Well apparently he’d said the wrong thing, because Remus just kept staring at him, which was the opposite of helpful.

“Why would I do that?” Remus asked.

“What— you hurt people all the time!  You just murdered Logan while we were filming not two hours ago!”

“Yeah, but I don’t care about Logan.  And on that matter, why would I hurt you if you’re already freaking out?  Do you think I’m mad at you or something?”

“I— I don’t know,” Virgil stammered, pushing himself back a couple more feet and managing to stand by pushing himself up, ignoring the way his legs were still shaking.

Remus looked at Virgil again.  Virgil felt like Remus was having to try way too hard to process things that should really be obvious at this point.

“So, you think that because you left, I’m just now mad enough to want to hurt you all the time?” Remus asked, crossing his arms and suddenly looking a little angry.  “How am I not supposed to be offended by that?”

“It’s not just because I left,” Virgil said, starting to get a little angry himself.  “You… you expect me to trust you when you say you’re not going to hurt me?  How am I not supposed to be offended by that?  After what you were going to do?  God you— you’re both just the worst, you know that?  You and Janus.”

Remus narrowed his eyes, though he looked more confused again than angry.  “What do you mean after what I was going to do?”

Virgil sighed and rubbed at the bridge of his nose.  “You know what, I don’t have to take this anymore.  If you do try and hurt me I’m kicking your ass, got it?  Now stay away from me.”

He sunk out before Remus could reply.

Janus could understand Remus’ desire to hang around with the core sides all the time, if he really thought about it.  That didn’t mean he liked it.

Remus had only had so many people to mess around with for most of his life.  Janus could easily understand how that could get boring for someone like him, even if he was more than willing to help out sometimes or just have some fun in the Imagination.  But even with that, when Remus was suddenly introduced to four new people to freak out, and one of them was his center, Janus understood why he would want to be around them more often.

But still.

That didn’t mean he liked it.

That morning he woke up alone to make breakfast for no one but himself for the third time that week.  He ended up at the table with a blender full of coffee, which was about what he was going to need today.

Wedding day.

Just because he knew that going to the wedding was a terrible idea didn’t make the fact that they were doing it any easier.  He was going to have to head in afterwards and pick up the pieces.  He probably stood a chance at actually getting through to Thomas if this wedding made him as miserable as Janus thought it would, but having to sit back and watch the pieces fall apart first was going to be difficult.

However, he still wasn’t technically alone even with Remus gone, which was something he was reminded of when Malice walked in the kitchen, looking significantly less tired than Janus did.

“Morning,” Janus mumbled with a little wave.

“Good morning Deceit,” Malice said, grabbing the eggs and milk from the fridge and grabbing a bowl to start whisking them together.  “Wow, I bet today’s not feeling that great for you, huh?  After you totally failed to get everyone to agree to go to the callback?”

“Yes, thank you Malice,” Janus grumbled, taking another drink from the blender.  He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised.  Malice did have a tendency to go for the low blow.

“And you lost the Duke too,” Malice said, pouring the eggs into the pan on the stove and starting to scramble them.  “You must be feeling pretty low right now.”

“Malice, I know this is an unreasonable request to ask of you, but do you think you could try not to be cruel today, just this once?”

“Hey, Cruelty isn’t my department,” Malice said with a shrug.  “There’s another side for that.  Besides, I’m trying to help.”

“How, exactly?” Janus asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Misery and I had a plan we wanted to run by you, if you’re open to hearing it.”

Janus narrowed his eyes.  Malice wasn’t a helpful side.  If he and Misery had come up with a plan, it was just as likely to hurt Janus’ chances as help him.  “I have a plan of my own, thank you,” Janus said coolly, standing to go put the blender in the sink.

“Oh yes, because your plans have worked out brilliantly so far,” Malice said, smirking.

Janus narrowed his eyes further and turned to face Malice.  “I’m sorry Malice, but I’m late.  I have to watch over Thomas during the wedding.”

“Why?” Malice called after him.  “He won’t want to see you!”

Janus ignored him and sunk out to his room for good measure.  Malice was never a fun side to talk to.  Besides, if all went well, Thomas would want to see him soon.  He just had to get this right.

Janus appeared in the real world while making sure to keep himself hidden from Thomas and other sides that might show up.  It was hard to resist the effort to show himself to Thomas and tell him he could still change his mind if he really wanted to.  But this needed to happen at this point.  There wasn’t another way.  Not that it made it any easier to watch Thomas get ready for the wedding while looking miserable, and sit through the wedding looking miserable, and go home from the wedding looking miserable.

Janus was almost glad when they got into the moral debate part of this issue.  He singled out Logan as the side to impersonate when he showed up in the way that he did.  He figured out the way to do so when Roman hit the ‘Ignorance’ button later on, and then waited for Patton to start getting distressed before offering the ‘Skip All’ button.

Janus pulled Logan back into the mindscape and locked it off so no one else could interrupt.  He could apologize later.  He took a breath and looked back to wait for another moment to cut in.  Finally, Patton offered another good opportunity.  Show time.

…

Three hours since the video, Janus was enjoying the light feeling in his chest and yet still waiting for something to happen.  Remus wasn’t anywhere.  Malice seemed to have vanished, a change from how hard he’d been vying for Janus’ attention before the wedding started.  He would even take Logan coming to tell him off about something or other.

Finally, after far too long, Remus showed up.  But he looked more introspective than excited, which was not what Janus expected for a variety of reasons.

“Hey,” Janus said hesitantly.  “So I don’t know where you’ve been, but judging by the look on your face I’m guessing you’ve definitely heard about what happened today?”

Remus looked up, biting his lip and looking unsure about something, which was very unlike Remus.  What was going on?

“Are… are you alright?” Janus asked hesitantly.

“Do you know why Virgil’s scared of us?” Remus asked.

Janus blinked.  “What?”

“I… I went on an adventure with him a couple weeks ago and I thought he was having fun, but I… I don’t know anymore.  He definitely wasn’t at the end.  He said he was scared I was going to hurt him.  Why would I do that?”

Janus stared at him.  “I don’t know,” he said finally, trying to stamp out the irritation that had risen up.  “I kind of have other things than Virgil on my mind right now, Remus.”

“Oh.  Like what?”

“You have no idea what just happened, do you?”

“Uh…”

Sighing, Janus ran over the events that had just transpired, and by the end of his explanation, Remus at least looked properly surprised and a little excited.

“And Thomas accepted you?” he asked, starting to grin.  “Does this mean you’re going to be around the core sides more often?”

“Um, I don’t know.  Probably,” Janus admitted.

“Oh, awesome!” Remus called.  “You can help me figure out what’s going on with Virgil!”

Janus took a step back.  “What— Remus, honestly, what part of I don’t care about Virgil right now did you not pick up on?”

“But something’s wrong with him,” Remus said, looking over his shoulder like Virgil would be waiting there.  “I just want to figure out why he thinks I’m going to hurt him so I can help.”

“And since when do you want to help anyone?” Janus asked, throwing his hands up.

“Well if it’s Virgil—”

“Why do you even care?”

“I—” Remus looked down.  “I miss him, Jan.”

“Well I don’t miss him at all, but I’m not going to think about him today.  I definitely didn’t think you’d be happy for me or something.  It’s not like this is a big deal.”

“Hey, I am happy for you,” Remus said, looking up.  “Can’t I be happy and worried at the same time?”

“As long as I can be happy and not worried at all,” Janus snapped, crossing his arms.

“We don’t have to do anything today,” Remus said.  “We can celebrate today.  Let’s go murder a bunch of chickens and use their corpses to make smoothies.  But tomorrow do you think you could help me figure this out?”

Janus scowled.  “I don’t know, Remus.  Give me time to decide if the things that are important to you are important to me too, and I’ll get back to you.”

He closed off his room and locked it, kicking Remus out without having to take a step towards him, which might have been a little more showy than he should have been, but he couldn’t imagine many people would blame him for being a little snippy after that.

Besides, who cared about Virgil being scared?  Virgil was scared all the time, that was his job.  The fact that he was scared of Remus and him when he had never been before wasn’t concerning in the slightest.  Why should Janus care if Virgil was scared of him?  Maybe he could even use something like that to his advantage.

…Not that he ever would.

Janus sat on his bed and looked up at the ceiling.  Why did Remus have to spoil his good mood?  Why should he have to care about anything besides the success he’d just had today?  Why… why on Earth would Virgil be scared of them?  Hate them, sure, Janus could see that easily.  Anger, yes, he’d certainly shown quite a bit.  And granted, he was Anxiety, but that one fact didn’t negate an entire lifetime of them never hurting him once.  What in the world had changed his mind on that front?

Janus sighed and stood up.  If he was already going to be worried about this he might as well ask Remus what he knew so they could start working on it like he wanted.  They’d just apparently have to move the celebration to another time.

He didn’t quite make it to Remus’ room, though, because the second he stepped out of his door Malice was waiting just down the hall, clearly waiting for him if the way he was looking right at his door was any indication.

“Deceit, hello,” he said, lifting his head enough to show a smile that definitely wasn’t good news.  “I have something I’d like to speak with you about.”

“I’m busy at the moment, Malice,” Janus said.  “I need to talk to the Duke about—”

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t considering moving with the Duke up to the core mindscape.  I think that could be a truly terrible idea.”

Janus sighed and started walking past him.  He didn’t have time to deal with this right now.  “Malice, whether I move to the core mindscape or not is none of your concern.”

“I just don’t think Anxiety would like it very much is all,” Malice said in an intentionally casual voice.

Janus looked up at the ceiling again as he came to a stop outside Remus’ door.  “Why should Anxiety be any concern of mine?  I definitely plan on taking him into account.  I don’t, after all, know the state of my relationship with Anxiety, and I—”

“Do you?”

Janus stopped with his hand on the doorknob.  He clenched his hand around it and turned to face Malice.  “What is that supposed to mean?”

Malice started to smile in a way that would have made a lesser man quake in his shoes.  “Nothing, I’m sure.  I’m just thinking of all the reasons Anxiety may not want you around that you don’t know about.”

“Are you implying that you do?” Janus asked, letting go of the doorknob and pulling himself up to a higher and hopefully more threatening stance.

“I might be,” Malice said, looking casually down at his fingernails.

Janus narrowed his eyes.  “Why would you tell me that?”

“Well, I want you to stay here, first of all,” Malice said, looking back up at him.  “Besides, I think it would be amusing to see your reaction.”

“My reaction to what?  What is that supposed to mean?”

“Do you have access to Logan’s memory hallways?  That might be the easiest way to do this.”

“Do what?  I am not opposed to sounding like a hypocrite, Malice.  Stop speaking in circles and tell me what you mean.”

Malice smiled just enough to barely show teeth, and crossed his arms over his chest in a way that somehow managed to make him look more arrogant.  “I mean that I didn’t think anything could be more fun than convincing Virgil you didn’t love him.  But watching you see me do so just might be better.”

Janus’ blood ran cold.  He wanted to call bullshit immediately, before he managed to remind himself that getting a reaction out of him was probably exactly what Malice wanted.  He took a deep breath and stepped away from Remus’ door.  “Please,” he said, amazed at how steady his voice came out.  “Enlighten me as to what the hell you are talking about.”

“Well, to the memory hallways we go then,” Malice said, gesturing beyond Janus.  “Lead the way.”

Janus took another breath and walked over to grab Malice by the arm, then sunk them both out to Logan’s bedroom.  Logan, thankfully, was not there, as Janus would not have wanted to explain to him why he and Malice were going inside his memory hallways.

They made their way to Virgil’s hallway, and headed inside to see Virgil’s memories floating around them.  Virgil’s hallway didn’t have any sort of order to it, in a similar way to Remus.’  Janus imagined if they were going in Logan’s hallway, it would be a very different story.

“Alright, we’re going to need memories from the time Virgil started going to see Thomas to just before he ducked out,” Malice said, clasping his hands together.  “You know how to pull those up, don’t you?”

Janus gave him a look before pulling forward the memories from the time Malice was talking about.  He took one last deep breath and decided that no matter what he was about to see, Malice was not going to have the satisfaction of getting any kind of reaction from him.

…It would take about thirty seconds before Janus came close to eating his words.  But somehow, he managed to seem silent and calculating the entire time he watched Virgil being ripped apart in more ways than one.  He would pin it down to his function as Deceit, as he didn’t think he would have been able to do so otherwise.

Janus didn’t say anything when Malice shooed away the last memory they’d been looking at.  Instead he just calmly took his arm again, sunk them both down to the other commons, and left Malice in the hallway before locking himself in his room.

He had never been quite so glad that the rooms were soundproof.

…

Janus wasn’t really sure what to do in the days following his revelation about Virgil via Malice.  Other than, of course, avoid everyone who had ever spent a single moment of time with him.  Remus in particular spent many hours knocking on his door, but Janus didn’t reply.  Thomas was definitely surprised to not see him around more often if the tentative summons Janus ignored were any indication.

He didn’t imagine he could ignore Thomas forever, though.  He was his center, after all, and one Janus had made a habit of being thrilled to see in the past.

That is to say that he was of course completely surprised when Remus knocked on his door one day and yelled at him that if he didn’t go see Thomas, Thomas was coming to see him.

Janus wasn’t quite ready for Thomas to see his room just yet.  So when he felt a summons a couple minutes later, he answered and appeared in Thomas’ living room.  Thankfully, they were alone.

Thomas let out a sigh of relief.  “Janus,” he said, and Janus had to take a minute to adapt to Thomas saying that.  “Where the hell have you been?  You— you look awful.  Are you okay?”

“I’m alright, Thomas,” Janus said.  His voice came out scratchy and weak.  He probably should have expected that.  He hadn’t used it in a couple weeks at this point.

He cleared his throat.  “I’m alright,” he repeated, and it sounded slightly better.  “I’m just… processing… a recent revelation is all.”

“Uh, not to be rude, bud, but you don’t look like you’re doing such a great job processing it.  You want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what Virgil’s told you,” Janus muttered, half to himself.

Thomas raised an eyebrow.  “This is about Virgil?  I thought you two hated each other or something.”

Janus choked on something that might have been a laugh but was probably closer to a sob.  Thomas looked even more alarmed in the next second, and took a couple steps forward.

“Woah, hey, it’s okay,” he said gently, moving a hand forward slightly in what was probably supposed to be an attempt to comfort him, but instead ended up hanging awkwardly in the air between them.  “Do you, uh…” he trailed off.  “Is there something I can do?”

Janus took a minute to process the question.  He’d never been asked such by Thomas before.  He hadn’t ever expected to be.  He didn’t want to reveal anything Virgil hadn’t necessarily told him, but he was Deceit, dammit.  Asking questions without revealing anything was part of the job description.

“Can you answer a question?” he asked after a moment.

Thomas nodded.  “Of course.”

“Is Virgil… is he happy?”

Thomas blinked, clearly surprised.  “Um.”

“Please tell me he is,” Janus said quietly.

“I… I think so,” Thomas said, sounding a little uncomfortable now.  “I mean, I… I hope so.  I don’t want him to be unhappy.  He seems much happier than he used to be when everyone antagonized him, at least.”

Janus nodded slightly.  “Okay,” he said softly.  “Good.”

“Why the sudden concern for Virgil?” Thomas asked.

“Well, I have recently been hit in the face with a sledgehammer with the fact that I should be,” Janus admitted.  He lowered his voice.  “That I should have been.”

Thomas was quiet for a minute, and then, before Janus could say something to end the conversation and head back to his room, Thomas walked forward and pulled him into a hug.

Janus’ breath caught in his throat.

“Yeah,” Thomas whispered.  “We all should have been.  So don’t put that just on yourself, alright?”

“It’s not the same—”

“Alright?”

Janus swallowed.  “Alright,” he croaked.

“If you want to apologize to Virgil,” Thomas continued, as if that was a perfectly alright thing to say casually like that.  “I think that would be okay.  He’s Virgil, so I can’t say he would accept it, but I think he’d at least listen.”

“I don’t know where I would even start, Thomas,” Janus murmured.

“How about with you’re sorry and you care about him?”

Janus blinked quickly because he was not going to cry in front of his center, and no, what he’d done earlier didn’t count.  “Okay,” he whispered.  “I need— I need to go talk to Remus.”

“Okay,” Thomas said, gently squeezing the nape of Janus’ neck.  “I’ll be here after if you need to talk.  Any of you, all of you, whatever, okay?”

“You don’t need to—”

“Okay?”

Janus huffed out a small laugh.  “Okay.”

Thomas pulled back and smiled reassuringly, and Janus wondered if he did understand how important this was, even if he didn’t seem to know what exactly Janus was talking about.

Janus gave a little nod and sunk out to head straight to Remus’ room.

Remus was hanging upside down on his bed, looking at a painting with what appeared to be a deep concentration.  When he noticed Janus, he practically sprang upright and landed on his feet, already crossing his arms.  “Hey,” he said.  “Where the hell have you been?  Why do you look like shit?  Is anyone ever going to tell me what’s going on?”

“That’s actually exactly why I’m here,” Janus said.  Remus must have caught on to something in his voice that made him realize the gravity of the situation, because he dropped his hands to his sides and furrowed his brow.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.  “Is everything okay?”

“Not really,” Janus admitted.  “There’s some things I need to show you.  And then… then we need to go talk to Virgil.”

…

Remus confirmed the same conclusion Janus had pretty quickly come to— someone had impersonated him that day in the subconscious.  Likely Imprudence, since Malice had told him to go get Cruelty and neither of them were there.  Someone had likely been going to do the same thing to Janus if Thomas had not arrived in Virgil’s room first.  And while Remus had ended up having about the reaction Janus had expected— sharpening his morningstar and sizing the others up for slaughter— he had still agreed when Janus said talking to Virgil first was a good idea.

The first problem that arose with that came when they arrived in the core side commons and all four of them were sitting on a couch watching a Disney movie.  Therefore, their appearing resulted in four immediate and different reactions.  Patton smiled in a way that seemed much more genuine than it used to be, Roman started looking away and seeming very uncomfortable, Logan’s expression tightened just slightly enough to show he was irritated, and Virgil started scowling and glared away.

“What do you want?” he snapped, the first to speak.

Janus had no idea how to begin this conversation with all four of them here, but luckily Remus didn’t have nearly as much of an issue.

“Virgey!”

He threw himself on top of the couch and pulled Virgil into a hug, and before Janus could remark what a terrible idea that was, Virgil proved it himself by shoving Remus off of the couch.  “Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?” he snapped.

Remus, ever persistent, climbed back on top of the couch and squeezed himself in between Virgil and Roman.  “Don’t hate you,” he mumbled into Virgil’s hoodie.  “Love you.  Love love love love you.”

“Wh—” Virgil looked like someone had just whacked him in the face with a frying pan.  “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Language,” Patton said, looking just as baffled as Virgil.

“Yes, I would also like an explanation,” Logan remarked from the other side of the couch raising an eyebrow.

Remus was still burying his face in Virgil’s shoulder, which meant everyone was staring at Janus, who had very much not expected to have to explain himself to three other people besides Virgil.  Did they know anything?  What could he say?

“We, um,” he started.  “I talked to Malice recently.  And he told me things that I hadn’t previously been aware of.”

From the way Virgil’s eyes widened, he seemed to understand what Janus meant.  And from the looks the others exchanged, they seemed to get it too.

Virgil leaned away from Remus slightly and pulled his hood over his head.  “Oh.”

“You know that wasn’t me, right?” Remus said, looking up at Virgil again.  “In the subconscious?  That wasn’t me.  I wasn’t there.”

Virgil looked down and started pulling on his hoodie strings.  “No,” he mumbled.  “How was I supposed to know that?”

Remus whined and pulled him closer.  “That wasn’t me,” he said again.  “I wouldn’t do that, Virgey.  Not ever ever ever.”

Virgil was quiet for a minute.  Janus couldn’t even begin to guess what he was thinking.

“Oh,” he said again, his voice cracking at the end of the word.

“What day in the Subconscious?” Roman asked, sitting up.  “What is he talking about?”

“Day I ducked out,” Virgil muttered.  “That’s not what actually happened.  I’ll tell you later.”

The three other core sides exchanged a surprised look.  Janus took a minute to try and deduce what any of them were thinking, but he wasn’t exactly at his best right now.

“Virgil?” Logan asked after a moment, and everyone’s gaze moved over to him.  “Would you like us to stay for this conversation, or would you like some space?”

Virgil hesitated for a moment.  “Um.  Space.  But come back,” he muttered, fidgeting with his hoodie strings again.

“Sure kiddo,” Patton said, smiling a little as all three of them stood and headed for the door.  “We’ll be back in half an hour, okay?”

Virgil nodded, and suddenly the three of them were alone.

“‘m sorry,” Remus said instantly.

“What happened?” Virgil asked.

“I think Malice was trying to get me to stay after what happened in the last video,” Janus said.

Virgil pulled his hood down, his brow furrowed.  “Malice doesn’t like Nico?”

Janus blinked.  “Who?”

“You missed a video, Jan,” Remus said.  “I’ll fill you in later.”

Janus absorbed that for a second.  “Ah.  Okay.  Well, after what happened after the wedding.  He didn’t want me to leave, so I think he was trying to get me to feel guilty enough to stay by showing me everything that happened.”

“Showing you…” Virgil muttered.  “You mean you didn’t know?”

Remus let out a wounded noise and threw himself against Virgil again, already shaking his head.  “Sorry, I’m sorry,” he said.  “We— we should’ve—”

“Remus,” Janus said, taking a step forward and putting a hand on his shoulder.  “No, we didn’t know,” he said, turning back to Virgil.  “I’m so sorry, Virgil.  If we’d known we would have left together, or we would have stopped it, or I would have protected you myself.  We would have figured something out.”

Virgil looked down in the way that meant he was probably trying to hide tears.  Janus wasn’t going to comment on that.

“But—” Virgil sniffed.  “But you hate me, you— you said so.”

Janus moved over and kneeled in front of Virgil, lifting his face enough so he could see his eyes.  “I said so because I thought it a lie so preposterous there was no chance you would believe me,” Janus murmured.  “I love you, Stormcloud, I love you so much.  I’m so sorry this happened.”

Virgil pulled in a shaky gasp, and then another, and before he could do so again Janus climbed up on the couch and on the other side of Virgil and wrapped his arms around him.  Virgil turned and buried his head in his chest and burst into tears.

Remus climbed on top of them both from the other side and burrowed against Virgil.  Janus wrapped his arms around them both and pulled them closer, and Virgil buried his head in his chest as Remus stretched his arms out to wrap them around both of them.  None of them said anything else, but something in the universe started to click back into place.

They would have so much to go through and explain later, and Janus was pretty sure there would be a million questions asked by the three of them, the core sides, and Thomas.  He should probably go talk to Thomas again, since it had been at least a couple hours since he’d offered to talk.  But for now, Janus wasn’t going to move from this spot, and Virgil and Remus both seemed to think the same.  They were going to stay right here until the universe fixed itself, and it didn’t seem like it was going to take nearly as long as any of them had thought.

Virgil couldn’t necessarily say life as a side was perfect, but there were parts that made it good.

“Dogpile!” screamed two voices.  Virgil had a half second to prepare before two creative sides threw themselves on top of him.  Remus pulled Virgil to his side and Roman splayed himself across his lap, and Virgil whacked them both on the head before accepting it and settling back into the couch.

“Out of the way,” Janus said, lifting Roman’s head up for long enough to slip underneath and against Virgil’s other side.

“I come baring popcorn,” Patton called, setting a couple of tubs down on the coffee table before sitting down on the other side of Janus.

“I have everyone’s onesies,” Logan said, coming out from around the corner.  He snapped his fingers and suddenly everyone was changed except for Remus.  “Remus, if you’re going to watch the movie naked again please go behind the couch again.”

“You’re no fun!” Remus called, sticking his tongue out at Logan before snapping his fingers and changing himself into a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

Virgil tucked himself closer to his side now that his sash wasn’t scratching him, and Roman grumbled before shifting on Virgil’s lap.

“Stop whining,” Virgil said, nudging Roman enough to move his head.  “We got to cuddle last movie night.”

“But you’re warm,” Roman said, tucking his head back against Virgil’s stomach.

“And you’re needy,” Virgil replied in the same tone.

Roman stuck his tongue out, and Virgil did the same back, before Patton finally nudged Roman in the side, and Roman sat up to cuddle with Patton and Logan.

Weekly movie nights had grown since Janus and Remus moved over to the core sides.  Sometimes they headed out of the mindscape to have movie nights with Thomas too, but tonight they were staying in the mindscape, and Virgil was taking a turn to tuck himself against his old family, who he’d missed so much, and who he was so glad was still here and still cared about him, all of which he wouldn’t admit on pain of death.

It was going back to being an understood thing.  He’d missed that too.

It had been Logan’s turn to pick the movie, so they were all settling in to watch a documentary about space.  Remus had brought a notebook for ideas of creatures that could live on the planets they were exploring.  This particular documentary was about Jupiter and its moons.

Virgil grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bucket on the table and shoved it in his mouth, smacking Janus’ hand away when he tried to grab some and then trying to grab some of his when he reached for a handful of his own.

Logan played the movie a second later, and they all settled in to watch.

“Hey,” Janus said quietly, at a slow part of the documentary.  Virgil glanced over.  “Have you given any thought to telling Thomas yet?”

Virgil ducked down further.  “Do you have to bring this up on movie night?”

“You find a way to run or distract me any other time that I ask,” Janus said, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know,” Virgil muttered, grabbing another handful of popcorn to give himself more time to think.  “Do you really think it’s necessary anymore?  We’re all here now, and none of them are a danger to us anymore.”

“I’m not going to force you to do anything, you know that,” Janus said, nudging Virgil in the side.  “But I think Thomas would want to know.”

“I… I know,” Virgil said finally.  “And I’ll tell him eventually.  But right now I want to hear about this giant storm on Jupiter, okay?”

Janus hummed in acknowledgement and leaned back against Virgil’s side again.  “Okay.”

Virgil grabbed Remus’ arm and tugged him so he moved closer, and Virgil settled into the arms of people who definitely loved him.  Things weren’t perfect, and they never would be, but Virgil could safely say that he was about as far from miserable as he could get.

[machinegunbun]

🤘-

What about reader is the manager/assistant and fucks up some bug career opportunity for them?

Mistakes can allways happen but that was something really big

Maybe even gets fired for it?

Fucked It +

TW?: Mostly angst but theres some very slight smut with readers S/O

A/N: Not to age the writing but Im writing this as colson tweets that he’s gonna play at the halftime show in the next few years. S/O= Significant Other. I wanted to keep it kinda gender neutral cause bi people exist i dunno. 

Word count:1.8k A little longer than a blurb, but just as dialogue-y

This year had been stressful, to say the least. There was the release of tickets to my downfall, and along with that the cover scandal, the bloody valentine music video, downfalls high, the snl episode. It was like every second of your day was filled with something, you rarely got the chance to spend time with your S/O.

That’s right, you had an S/O. Being Colson’s manager wasn’t your entire existence, although you’d seemed to have forgotten that recently. Their name is Devin, and they are not very happy with you.

They’d broken down in tears your first full night home, telling you how under appreciated they had felt while you were away. Devin had a life of their own too, though, and considering the pandemic at hand had chosen to go stay with their family to avoid the covid hot spot that was LA. You understood, and as much as you hated to admit it you barely even realized they were gone. You didn’t know what that meant, but you knew whatever it meant wasn’t anything good for your relationship, but, you loved them and you wanted to recreate that spark.

You wanted to put work into them, and you, and most importantly your relationship. You’d gotten through the emotions, but as for the spark there was only so much you could do thousands of miles away. So, you decided to put in the work and devise a plan. Your plan started about an hour and a half ago, beginning with a shower and ending with your favorite lipstick.

You love Devin and you want nothing more than to wrap them up in a soft blanket and kiss them on the forehead and take them on picnics, but you also wanted them to look at you and touch themselves. You could do one of those things in your current situation, and you felt both would help to replenish your spark.

You looked good too, dressed in your lingerie with your hair all done. You felt so unbelievably sexy just looking at yourself in the mirror, you wished they were here to witness it.

You stood in the doorway of your bedroom, your LED lights set to red, your phone set to start recording in 

3…

2…

1…

You tried your best to pose sexily in the small frame, arching your back and playing with your hair, slowly slinking down the wall. You were sure when you sent this Devin would be calling you within seconds. You checked the video, editing it to the length you liked and saving it to your camera roll.

Butterflies began fluttering in your stomach as you looked at your message app. You had seen Devin in so long, what if the spark had really gone? What if they didn’t want you anymore? Or what if they just didn’t want you right now, what if this wasn’t the right thing to do?

You took a deep breath, looking yourself in the mirror and quickly clicking through your messages, sending it before you could think too much and clicking your phone off. You moved from the bathroom, moving to your bed, staring at your phone and waiting patiently for a response.

After thirty minutes you gave up, too nervous to check if they’d seen it. You were cool.

Well, you were cool now that you had cried and and picked yourself apart piece by piece, ending up on the couch in a heap of blankets eating a family bag of your favorite chips to yourself. Family guy played on the TV, the episode only really meant to drain out the noise of your thoughts, and momentarily the bling of your phone. You would’ve missed it entirely if it weren’t for the flickering of your flashlight that you’d enabled to make sure you didn’t.

You rushed from your comfy blanket fort, spilling your chips on the way, your hand wrapping tightly around your phone. You turned it around, seeing that the notification that had popped up was only from Dylan, the guy that got Colson a place at the halftime show. 

Work, great, the thing that started this all. Was this the universe telling you it was over? You read on.

It simply said “Call me.”

Your eyebrow raised, considering waiting until tomorrow. You opened your messages, seeing that you had accidentally sent him the video of you in your lingerie. Fuck, thats why Devin hadn’t responded.

You opened his contact, calling him quickly, each ring feeling like needles being inserted into your brain.

“So I hope you understand why we wouldn’t want to be associated with that unprofessionalism.” He said, you’d zoned out through his lecture

“I understand, I do, but I hope you’d be willing to reconsider as this was a mistake on my part and not Colson’s. And seeing as this isn’t public I hope we can just brush this all under the rug and forget it ever-”

“I hear you, but I don’t think that will be possible. Mistake or not it was unprofessional on so many different levels

“But, sir-” You tried, your fingers thumbing over the buttons of the remote to mute the tv.

“It’s over, I’m afraid.” He responded, a beeping noise signalling the call had ended

Oh, nicer, you thought sarcastically, it wasn’t the universe after all, it was the manager.

Tossing your phone on the couch beside you, you retreated to your blanket fort, unmuting the TV.

Colson and the boys had been looking forward to performing at the halftime show since you’d met them. They’d been so excited when you told them you’d got them a spot. Although it was the last thing you wanted to do right now, you knew you had to break the news to Colson. 

You stared at your phone, willing yourself to reach over and call him, eventually drifting off into an unsatisfying sleep.

“Oh good, you’re here! Okay, so I was thinking for the halftime show-” Colson began, but you cut him off before he could continue

“Oh, yeah, about that.” You say, rubbing your head in hopes it would soothe the dull ache that had begun to rear its ugly head. You opened your eyes in time to watch the excitement drop from Colson’s face.

“I…” You began, not sure how to start “I fucked it.” You began to laugh, taking a moment to acknowledge how ridiculous the situation had really been.

“What do you mean?” He asks, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

“Devin and I are going through a bit of a rough patch with them being away and all, so I decided to try and,” You made a vague shimmy movement with your shoulders “spark things up a bit. You know the silhouette challenge on tik tok? I did that, but I got nervous when I sent the video and I was on the couch for like hours crying too scared to see if they even looked at it, next thing I know I’m getting texted by Dylan asking me to call him.” You paused, partly for dramatic effect and partly to let yourself laugh. You buried your face in your hands, Colson watching in amusement, eager for the end of your clearly hilarious story.

“I accidentally sent him my nudes. It was so fucking embarassing, oh my god!” You finish, looking up from your hands to realize no one else seemed amused.

“What’s that got to do with the halftime show?” Rook questioned.

“Oh, right.” You’d completely lost track in the midst of your rambling “He said it was completely unprofessional and he wasn’t interested in working with us.”

Colson remained silent for a moment, looking over to the other boys before responding “He isn’t interested in working with you.” Your eyebrows furrowed at this, looking between the boys..

“What’s that mean?” 

“This is the gig of our lifetime. I’ve- We’ve wanted to play the halftime show since… forever. This was our one chance and because of you we got booted out. And you were laughing about it.”

“I’m sorry, it was a genuine accident, I thought you’d find it funny. Some corporate guy saw my tits ‘cause my relationship is failing, if I don’t laugh I cry.”

 “You’re the one who sent him the nudes. This is your fuck up.”

“Yeah, okay. But I work for you, so by association he won’t work with us.”

“Then you aren’t a part of ‘us’ anymore.”

“Colson, seriously? It was a fucking accident. You’re being ridiculous.”

“Watch your tone, I think you’re forgetting you work for me. I’m a nice guy, but this isn’t my shit to deal with.”

“I’m sorry.” You repeated, your voice lowering. It was easy to forget Colson was your boss, he never treated you like an employee. There was more respect between the two of you than any boss/employee relationship you’d ever seen before. You’d never even seen him mad before today. You were genuinely lucky to have had this experience, to think that it was about to come to an end broke your heart.

“Is sorry going to get us this gig back?” The question was rhetorical, but you shook your head “Then I’m sorry, I can’t let this pass me up because of something you did.” Colson says, staring you down. You stood like a statue in your place, unsure whether or not you should leave. The tension in the air could be cut with a knife.

You took it upon yourself to make the decision to turn and leave, driving to the nearest gas station, where you sat in your car, crying in the parking lot.

Everything was fine and in the matter of a week it had all gone to shit. How did this happen?

You were in a happy relationship, and now they were living with their parents for who knows why and telling you they felt neglected. Your career was going amazing and you’d ruined it completely with one mistext.

You started your car back up, settling on the hope that maybe Colson and Dylan would come to their senses, and come Monday morning you would still have a job.

[sly-merlin]

killing me - 10 |n.y

pairing : law student!reader + yuta

genre :    angst , mafia au/ arranged marriage au , smut

warnings of this chapter : cursing, explanatory mention of a pistol! 

words :: 5.3k

summary : “life’s never fair y/n. realise it as soon as you can . it is the only secret for living a regretless life.”                                  

or              

                   “  curiousity got the cat hitched”

taglist :: @kpop-choco​​​ @moon-yuta​​​ @kawaiiayasan​​​ @btm-taeyong​​​ @exfolitae​​​ @lanadreamie​​​ @cheersskznct​​​ @hyuckiesgf​​​ @theworld-accordingtocasey​​​  @yiyi4657​​ @sorrywonwoo​​ @sillywinnergladiator​​​ @suhweo​​​ @minejungwoo​​ @leesalts​​  @mal-nakamoto23​​ @ro2424​​

@kafenetwork​​​​​ @neowritingsnet​​​​​

K.M masterlist

k.m9    next

Previous night

“What the fuck were you spitting out there hmm! Have you lost your mind? Why aren’t you answering me you shit!”

jaehyun avoided prying when mark and yuta were arguing but he couldn’t keep it in anymore. mark shifted the gears to park the car in the middle of nowhere, tense silence hugging all of them. jaemin was annoyed with jaehyun’s endless remarks at mark but it was hyuck who was most confused as he was unable to form any kind of judgement.

“why did you stop the car now? Its midnight-

“can you stop drunk talking hyung. I can’t drive like this!”

“I’m very sober. Its you whose brain is dead mark. Did you even notice yuta’s face when you-

“just stop hyung. I’m not ashamed of what I said there. I stand by each and every word! Now can we go back home or do you have anything else?

“you can’t be real! He has done so much for you all these years and this is how you repa-

“yes exactly! He has made so many sacrifices for me all these years, that’s why its my responsibility to show him the right way that he is clearly not following at all and you all are partly responsible for it! You are feeding his selfish ego by showing him hollow sympathy but that’s gonna bite him in the ass at end.”

“woah woah tiger. So what you gonna do? Instruct him how to live his life. Are you making him realise that he doesn’t hate y/n when he clearly cant stand her presence for even a minute and by some miracle, even if you end up pacifying yuta, then what about that cold hearted queen! She’s just here t-

“she is not here on her own! And I am not going to repeat myself, so fix it in your head hyung. She is not here to replace anyone!! Yuta hyung just hates the thought of her coerced and fortuitous presence in his life and I’m not trying to create a miracle here. I just want our lives back to normal and I’ll go to every extent to make it possible!” his chest heaved up and down as the anger subsided a bit, his heart feeling at ease after getting his thoughts out. Jaehyun only scoffed at him.

“you are too naïve markie. This is not how emotions work.”

“this is the only way emotions work hyung!” with that said, he shifted the gear, driving on the road with the same silence lurking again but he felt better. much better.

“who do you think is right?” hyuck whispered in jaemin’s ear, in the hope that he would solve his dilemma.

“I don’t know but I’d love if she stays forever. We are missing one member anyway” he whispered back earning a small tight lip smile from donghyuck who fell into a deep slumber right after that.

Slowly he moved himself to the other side, bruised elbow secured in his hand, grunts exiting him. You knew you were fucked up as soon as his cold eyes fell upon you.

“I guess it’s my time to call taeyong.” He glared, the strong eye contact not lasting for too long as he tried to lift himself up from the floor.

Meanwhile you kept observing him, biting your left thumb, feet glued to the ground. your eyes followed his hobbled travel from the kitchen to the couches from where you heard his long sigh of relief as he placed his leg on the table while stroking his knee. his head fell on the couches and suddenly your conscience kicked in while watching his painful expressions. You found yourself sluggishly walking out of the kitchen with careful steps to avoid the spill, sleepiness fading away.

Yuta’s scraped elbow was in the vision as you neared him. He was still nursing his knee, elbow forgotten by now. Maybe it was the momentary pain! you deliberated about asking him first but then remembered that you don’t have to communicate with him to show that you were still human! So you quietly went to bathroom to find your first aid kit that you placed somewhere the day you settled your stuff. It was not easy to locate it with the lack of cooperation of your hands and mind in the current state, but still you tried your best.

With same motion you went back. Yuta’s hand was still cupping the knee but his features seemed to be much more peaceful than before. But you still approached hesitantly and placed the box on the table, near his foot.

“have a seat please. We have some unfinished business here beautiful!” he sneered, signalling you to sit beside him.

“no thanks. I have work to do.” You tiredly replied, moving away.

“I.Said.Sit.Here! I also wanna experience the thrill of whinning like a baby!

“oh please , I have nothing to fear! Just call him already. I’ve work to do!” you told him in stern voice while circling the table to sit far away from him.

Yuta smirked a little at your show of bravery when anyone could see right through you at the moment. Your eyes were half shut, shoulders slumped down but still upright when it came to fighting him. But yuta clearly knew he had the upper hand this time.

Or he thought!

Your heartbeat sped up with each ring. Very dramatically , yuta had put the phone on speaker to prove his point.

After 5 rings, tayeong picked up and so did your pulse.

“who it is?” a yawn filled voice was heard from the other side.

“are you still sleeping bitch?” yuta inquired with annoyance.

“ye-yes. We cleared the month last night so everyone is sleeping. What el-

“just wake up! I’ve something important to tell!”

“later. I’m bus-

“its about your precious y/n!”

“is she gone?” it sounded like he was suddenly awake!

“tsk tsk. The fuck is your problem? Do you even care about my wellbeing or should I find a new father!” yuta growled at him, his voice pierced through your ears.

“I’ll call her myself!”

“like she would tell you about her plan to lay my 6 feet under the ground!”

Yuta heard a deep sigh from the other side.

“this story better be good coz I don’t wanna lose my sleep ov-

“this is not a story. She spilled water to make me slip and –

“and kill you. what kind of man dies after a little slipping! Huh!”

“have you adopted her or something taeyong! Your attitude is fucking me up. Can you hear me for once or do you-

“what do you wanna say exactly! That you slipped and broke your legs and arms. Make it believable yuta. She might be a bit bitchy but can’t be that evil.”

“so I am a bitch!” your sleepy and cold voice interrupted.

“no no , I meant-

“It was unintentional. i didn’t even know he was home. And it was him who decided to barge in when I was finding food. He was not even invited into the kitchen in the first place!”

“but I got hurt and it was because-

“hurt? you mean as in injured! Oh god. You can’t come back then. take leave for a few days if you are hurt badly and call jun , he’ll be there with medicines and bandages. Consider this an extension of the suspension but you aren’t leaving the hous-

“fuck you taeyong! I hope you die in your sleep!!”

Slamming the phone on the table, he pulled at his roots, lidded eyes boring into you.

“you’ll pay for this.” his finger threateningly pointed towards you.

You let out a yawn before getting up to leave the space to him,

“whatever just don’t finish the spray bottle. Its new”

After that you didn’t hear anything from yuta or anyone.

And it just went like that for 2 more weeks!

“why don’t you shift to the dorms for two months! You can hang out with minjun while he complete his reports.”

“so you want me to lose my sleep and baby your baby?” you snickered, slurping the soup a bit louder this time.

“I’m not a baby!” minjun whined.

“oh you are!” a collective response resounded through the room and your reached out to pet minjun’s hair but he swatted your hand away in annoyance.

“no seriously shortie. You’d be alone for a whole month. Even chelin is going home this time. you can spend some time with junie and he’d treat you to homemade food Is it tempting enough?” jungkook suggested.

“not that I’m any interested in the offer but I can teach you the Japanese you were talking about earlier.” At minjun’s comment, everyone raised their brows, silently questioning your new interest.

“what? You all are so nosy. My new roommate is always dissing me in Japanese and I can’t answer that fucker coz I don’t understand anything he spits out at me.”

“HE?” another group chant resonated.

“why is your roommate a man?” yugyeom added.

“because he was born a man!”

“haha very funny y/n l/n. what’s his name and is he from our university?”

“his name is nakamoto yuta and no, he’s not a student. And before you enquire, he’s home only for like few hours so you don’t need to worry him being a pervert or anything.”

“where is your new residence anyway?” you almost choked at yugyeom’s sudden interruption but it confirmed your suspicion that jungkook hadn’t revealed anything yet.

“instead of me, shouldn’t you love birds be worried about the unbearable separation that’d last for a whole month. How are you gonna cope with it gyeom? Especially when yeong is going to be in Incheon and you in busan, stuck with the sweaty sports team and jungkook, who’d be slapping with you with kisses every now and then, thinking you are min-

A shove of dumpling into your mouth caused you to inhale back all the words that were supposed to leave.

“if you don’t wanna meet, then atleast call him daily after your moon internship and he can also accompany you to busan if you want.”

The colour of the air faded at the mention. Slowly, you swallowed the piece in your mouth , instantly finding a distraction to lighten the mood.

“why are these so delicious?”

Rummaging through the empty boxes, jungkook found the pamphlet and shoved it in your face which you curled into a ball and threw towards minjun, hitting him right in the face.

“yaa jun. keep it safe. We’ll order while watching movies and take keys of this house from your boyfriend,” you ordered, pointing to jungkook, “and his Netflix password and his wallet and if he allows, his car ke-

“shut your mouth love-hater!” jungkook exclaimed while stuffing your mouth with two dumplings. And everyone else just laughed at your troubled state, silently agreeing with jungkook’s statement.

What a good day to be a foodie!

Three days!

Taeil had granted you three days to de-stress yourself before you’d be joining your so called trainer for a self defence training program of two months. You wondered who could it be but it was definitely not the person you wished for! Johnny had been in france since two weeks, right from the day your exams started. He left his phone at home but he did contact you through a payphone to wish luck for exams. Since then, it’d been complete silence from the other end. You didn’t even know whether you really missed his presence or just the thought of being with someone who really showed some care for you.  

eat, tv, sleep repeat seemed to be a very reasonable routine! your happiness had elevated when you saw a notification of chois about a job opening. Though you wanted to start from an internship in the main office but a moderate salary job as an assistant researcher of a junior lawyer wasn’t so bad as well!

no. actually it was awful seeing how much over-qualified you were for this job but with all the diminishing digits in your wallet, there was some significant scope for the bargain in your situation. But you still had to wait for 2 weeks for the acceptance of your application that would take you a step closer to your dream. Just two more weeks!

Is he still alive, you thought before leaving the kitchen, ready to finish the homemade meal.

High on a happy chemical , you cooked yourself ramyeon and eggs and completed your fancy dinner with a bottle of coke.

While slipping out of the kitchen , your eyes fell on the clean sink reminding you of the presence that you hadn’t felt since the last week.

“I’ll accompany jeno. We’ll be done in two minutes” yuta proposed with a lopsided grin.

The place was more livelier with yuta’s return. Not that he wasn’t already present, but the day he returned to his usual routine was when everyone got their sunshine back. He acted like nothing has changed but still noone could ignore his overcautiousness. He was engaging too much as if to make up for the lost time and not that anyone objected for they were happy to see the old yuta with old ways. Just something was odd!

While most of them were oblivious, others understood what he was hiding behind that façade. They had noticed how he took late night activities just to avoid being sent home or how he took jaehyun and mark with him to avoid any interaction with you.

But the most irksome was how day by day,he was drifting apart from taeyong.

“do you wanna take him home?” taeil snapped his fingers in front of your eyes as you registered his words. You were looking or shamelessly staring at the face of the man. He was dangerously tall as compared to you but his face was shining brighter than the sun itself. Your head snapped towards him again as taeil went on,

“don’t stare like you are gonna eat him y/n.” jungwoo eyes were dancing in the whole room as he avoided your curious ones. You didn’t mean to be creepy but you were having a hard time believing that the man sitting in front of you was a street fight champ and a former drug lord’s son. He seemed too….human.

“who’s staring?” you feigned innocence, looking at taeil.

“way to go advocate!” he said before continuing , “as I told you, jungwoo is a trained fighter, assassin and has a strong grip on pistols. Seeing what you can carry, a pistol is best for you. and jungwoo is a softie here so he won’t even give you a scratch during the training. But you have to actually listen to him or I’ll assign someone that won’t go easy on you.

“like?”

“like ten or jeno, they both don’t have any control over where they are hitting once they start so either you can cooperate with jungwoo or be ready to break some of your limbs.”

“how subtle taeil. but I can work with him.” you smiled at jungwoo which was returned with a shy one.

“okay then. Take care of each other and if you need anything then I’m not home.” Ad with a wave , he was gone.

“what do you wanna start with?” jungwoo asked in a small voice.

“you are teacher so whatever you say.”

“okay them. we’ll start with grip practice.” He got up, signalling you to follow him.

You ended up in a small part of the basement. It was divided into two sections with a glass used as the separation. Raw grass kind hard padding was attached to the walls on the both sides. On the other side of the wall were pasted two targets looking like giant sized dart boards that you suppose were for the practice.

While you were glancing around, jungwoo came back with a small metal box. He opened it to reveal a matt black pistol that looked even smaller when he held it.

“you can’t start with a semi-auto one just yet so for basics this is good for you. though I’m here but please don’t drop it. it belongs to taeyong hyung and he doesn’t know it’s here so please don’t mention it either.” He pleaded in a soft voice to which you found yourself nodding, copying his motion.

“so , you don’t need to memorise every part of a pistol but remember the few terms so if you ever held a new gun or pistol, someone can instruct you as to the handling of it.” you kept nodded as he went on,

“this is the exposed barrel, slide stop, safety lever , trigger and trigger guard and the most important magazine, if its empty ,your body would become the home of enemy bullets. Try clicking the safety lever!”

You did as he instructed. For about thirty minutes, he taught about pulling the barrel that drained your wrists of all the strength they had. He let you go only when he was sure you won’t forget the basics, atleast not until tomorrow.

You hadn’t felt this exhausted in your life as much as you did in the last week. If Thesis research and jungwoo’s lessons were not enough then minjun’s new found love of photography was surely doing its work on your body. Who knew holding flowers and leaves for aesthetic photos was so much draining! And the time you were alone at home was spent sleeping and that too only if yuta and his gang were not screeching out their lungs, fighting with someone online with no regard for the well-being of others in the house. You knew he was aware of his actions but with zero communication, even you didn’t bother pointing him out.

But when had avoidance created peace!

12:30 p.m

As you flipped the glossy leaves of the photo album, the three humans behind that transparent film seemed to come alive, albeit in your memories. Pausing at every page, you tried to live those moments once again ,just like every year. Though you and that photo album were bound by a thread of sadness, the memories it contained made you feel immense joy that was incomparable for you.

The small album was the only memory that reminded you of the family you had once! and today was the day you’ll go to meet them again.

Busan was not that far away but the location of the graveyard added a whole hour to the already 3 hour long journey. You were supposed to meet your orphan warden at the station directly and like every year she'd be accompanying you to Busan so you could meet them. Even though you were a grown-up now , she didn't had the heart to let you go alone. So it had became a tradition.

After memorizing every picture, you got up to get ready for the long journey. Taeil had excused you for this weekend so there were no worries from his side. you rotated the doorknob to open but it didn’t budge.

You shoved your body against the door but nothing happned! Though you didn't want to rely , there was only one option left!

"yuta!" You shouted in a hope that his lazy ass would respond but silence replied instead.

"yuta! Can you hear me. I'm locked!" You tried again, both shouting and trying the knob, banged the door but none worked in your favour.

Then realisation dawned on you! Why won't he hear anything when he was right outside the room! because he didn't want to!

"yuta I swear I'm gonna kill you! let me out!"

Raking your hands through your hair, you decided to find your phone but it looked like the whole universe was conspiring against you as the phone was not in the room. you had probably left it on the kitchen counter earlier. The only communication you had was with yuta and he was not listening to you , delibrately!

Your fist met the door with all the power you could muster but only the echo was heard which fainted within few seconds.

"fuck you yuta" you mumbled dejectedly before throwing yourself on the mattress. Contempt filled your heart as you watched the fan moving endlessly and your mind grasped the reality that maybe you won't be visiting them. Not if he didn't open the door. But he couldn't lock you for years!

And whenever that door opens , you'll make sure to close it forever.

"eat slugs , haechan!" Yuta exclaimed into the microphone, killing another of haechan's Avatar in the game. He winced as haechan groaned loudly, trying to get some pity out of yuta.

Calling it a day, he teared the headphones away , the sudden silence bringing peace to his ears. Stretching his limbs, he got up but as he trudged for the kitchen, he heard a knock that didn't come from the front door.

He stopped abruptly as if to check if his mind was playing games on him but he heard it again, this time a fainted one.

His stopped in front of your room and slapped his hand against the door , checking his suspicious. Another fast and hard bang came in response and he rotated the knob to open but nothing happened. Forcing his body against the door, a metal dropping sound reached him before the door opened. Without even glancing at you, he leaned and picked up the screws that were stuck in the door hinges. But before he could show you those, you pushed him backward, releasing all the anger at once.

"what the fuck is wrong with you!" Not paying any attention to any of his words, you searched for your phone that you found on the counter and shot your warden an apologetic message. The orphan was near the station so you were sure she won't have waited for more than thirty minutes but you knew she'd have been worried for you.

Quickly working , you called taeyong while running for the main door, a confused yuta following you.

"you are home taeyong?" You asked him while wearing your shoes and exited , ignoring yuta's perplexed questions.

Yuta stood in the doorway, contemplating what the heck he had witnessed!

18:30

Taeyong jerked forward on his chair as you slammed open the door of his office and marched in. When you called earlier , he thought you were going to complain about something that yuta did but the heat of the anger radiating through your body was enough to burn his senses from a distance.

"sit and calm-

"I'm not here to witness your hospitality Lee taeyong. Relieve me of the agreement here and now. my way or your way! I don't wanna live under the same roof wi-

"why are you shouting so much?" Jaehyun interrupted ,entering the room in a swift motion. Following him were few others who might have been awakened by your outburst.

"shut up jaehyun! For once do something with your worthless life" you spit out, eyes boring into jaehyun's.

"can you atleast tell me what has happened!"

To answer taeyong , you moved forward, resting your hands on the head of a chair continued,

"yuta locked me today. My phone was outside in the kitchen. I shouted , pleaded but he didn't open the door for 5 hours. I was supposed to go to Busan but that motherfucker don't ha-

"Busan? Your hometown?" Taeyong disrupted your speech,

"f-for my parents' death anniversary! I was suppose to visit their graves like every year.b-but he chose today of all days to play his little revenge games on me." With broken voice and tears threatening to spill, you managed to proceed,

"i don't wanna live with him anymore. I didn't sign up for this torture. Kill me for all you want but don't try to convince me into staying with that bastard!" Your nails holed into the leather chair, creating small crescents on the surface.

Uncomfortable silence fell over the whole room . As you turned around to leave, you were met with yuta's figure. His hand motioned to reach you but you closed the distance before he could.

"i hope you enjoyed it today!" With venom laced words, you finalised your proposition by flinging the ring straight into his face, his face scrunching at the hit , before walking past him.

"hyun-

Before taeyong could complete, taeil was already was on your heels.

"why do you have to be an asshole yuta?"

" i didn't do anything!" He started as he picked up the ring from the floor, “the door was ja-

“you shouldn’t have stooped so low nakamoto yuta!” tayeong growled with eyes glistening with fire.

“what now?” yuta’s jaw clenched at jaehyun’s nonchalant words. Pocketing his annoyance for him, he opened his mouth to explain himself,

“nothing now ok! I did nothing.i didn’t lock her and certainly didn’t try to forbid from going anywhere. She wa- the door was jammed due to some loose screws. I had to push it so it’d open. I-i-I wasn’t even aware of her plans. Heck, you can ask hyuck. I was playing with him for 6 hours straight. I had headphones in my ears all that time and you know how much hyuck yells. Even if she was stuck, there was not a sound that reached me taeyong. I was as oblivious to all this as much as you all were till now and knowingly, I won’t ever do anything so harsh. You know me very well! don’t you?” he ended with a hopeful question glancing at everyone in the room. With each passing second, his anxiousness elevated at the silent and calculating faces of everyone.

“you don’t believe me, do you?” his broken voice resembled the one they just heard few minutes ago.

“no yuta.i-its not like that . message taeil hyung about all this so he can calm her down.” Taeyong muttered with eyes searching up yuta’s for any malice he might be planning but found nothing. he was innocent.

But yuta panicked at his words, “why? I can explain by myself. It’s not that difficult. I can handle her taeyong.” he turned for the door but taeyong’s words stopped him in his tracks.

“you think so! You should be glad you are alive yuta”

“then release us taeyong. I’m begging you, LET HER GO!” the shout that echoed was enough to send shivers through every living being in the vicinity.

“I will. If taeil hyung say so. Message him yuta and you should know I don’t repeat my words without expense!”

He did as told, head hung low to avoid the pity looks that were thrown his way!

“don’t follow me taeil!”

“I’ll stop if you’ll stop!” taeil politely replied, tracking your steps on the sidewalk. He tried to obstruct your way but ended up following you instead. 15 minutes had passed since you both left the house but your anger was not simmering down and you were stunned at his patience.

“you can’t walk till university.” You deadpanned.

“neither can you.”

Stopping abruptly, you faced him, “you can’t stop me taeil.”

“I won’t. but the bus driver would. Even pretty girls don’t get a free ride home.” You groaned at his unnecessarily true words. He was right, you had nothing on you except for the phone.

He silently observed your slumping body, before walking a step closer to check the waters. When you didn’t push him away, he lightly took your hand in his, tugging you to come along.

“I don’t wanna go with you.” your hushed voice gave him some courage to proceed further,

“we aren’t going home. Lets just sit”

He dragged you to the park you had passed just five minutes ago. Sitting on the bench , he asked you to explain everything that had happened in the last 6 hours. You recited the whole story till the end where you threw the ring at yuta. Taeil only hummed in response when he heard a buzz from his phone.

Reading yuta’s message , he suddenly knew where to start!

“read this y/n.” he said before giving you the phone.

You absorbed each and every word written. It made sense. But did it?

“he’s lying.” You scoffed , returning the phone.

“he’s not.”

“ofcourse you’ll take his side.”

“and why would I do that?”

“he’s your brother”

“and you are my sister”

“no I’m not. I never would be.” You retorted, hiding the effect his words had on you.

“I might not be your brother but you can’t stop me from calling you my sister and I’d prefer you over yuta anyday.”

“but you still think I’m lying and he’s right”

Taeil massaged the back of his neck, clearly getting annoyed by your snapping.

“when did I say you are lying? I just said he’s not lying.”

“isn’t it the same thing?”

“no its clearly not. You just don’t wanna admit that you misunderstood!”

Uncrossing your legs, you faced him, “ because I am not in the wrong here. he is ! he did it so he can have the house all to himself while I’m locked. The truth is he hates my guts. He wont ever pass an opportunity against me!”

“and like you love his guts! Your hatred for him is the reason that you don’t wanna believe he’s innocent. Your heart wants to believe that everything that had unfolded after that night is yuta’s fault. You don’t wanna believe because you just don’t want to! You are rejecting his reason because your mind says its the perfect chance to break taeyong! your anger and emotions are playing games with you and you are letting them! and this is exactly what yuta had been doing from the very first day! He’s no different than you. No matter how much you discard it, the truth won’t change! Impulsive actions lead you nowhere!” His polite yet authoritative voice was providing inputs that you didn’t want to believe. Not yet.

“I just wanted to go to busan taeil. If he hadn’t been home the-

“if he hadn’t been home , then you would not have even made it out! And I’m sure you have heard him playing games. He’s a loudspeaker and believe me haechan is yuta part two. I’m sure he didn’t hear you.”

“but why would anyone even care! I’m the one at loss here.”

“what loss. Just because you missed it today doesn’t mean you can’t go tomorrow and If you want i can take you there. we can go right now! But y/n , loved ones live in your heart!. You don’t need a day to show them your respect and love. They know you and they watch over you. don’t crumble under the weight of customs and rituals. We’ll go tomorrow morning. Be ready by 8 a.m !” his soothing voice managed to calm the storm but you weren’t going to budge from your first condition.

“I don’t wanna go back with him.”

He sighed heavily before pressing his phone to his ear,

“taeyong. replace yuta in france. For two months and I don’t want any further discussion.”

You sniffled, finally letting out the tears that were in the waiting since the morning.

“I can drop you to the dorm for tonight until he packs his stuff and you can go back home tomorrow. Sounds right?” he described his plan , petting your hair.

You weakly nodded, letting him ease your worries with sympathetic words that you didn’t even know you needed!

next morning 

Uncomfortable silence welcomed you as you entered the house. You were told that he was gone and it sounded about right with the present atmosphere.

After finding the fruits, you made you way to the room but stopped in your tracks as you spotted something on the counter.

Three moulded screws were placed on a paper along with the ring that you thought would never be seen by you again. you breath quickened as you read the words on the plain paper

I’m sorry!

What were you supposed to do with it now?

**********************

thank you for reading ! feedback is always appreciated \(￣︶￣*\))

🎈

[ironxkid]

why don't you like endgame or civil war

((hoo buddy, idk what brought this up but salt under the cut!! Like... a lot of salt - specifically regarding Endgame lmao

I’m gonna start off with CACW because it’s a short response lol

I don’t like it simply because I was done with the infighting between the Avengers. The found family crumbs we were given in Endgame was something I really wanted to see, and them just... ripping them apart frustrated me lol

honestly, the movie was... fine? Idk, I found it to be a lil slow for my taste (it felt like it just dragged on when I watched it in theaters), and I just don’t care for it in general  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, ngl, I’m really bummed that Captain America: Serpent Society was a joke announcement because that sounds dope as hell and I really wanted to see that before I realized it’d been a joke dfgjhdsfhj

but, yeah, literally just because CACW is specifically an infighting movie annoys me to no end so I just won’t watch it again dgsfjhsfdhj

now, Endgame?

fuck Endgame

I. have a lot of issues with it, all of which are major grievances throughout the fandom. I’m pissed they killed Natasha and didn’t even bother giving her a fucking funeral because, I quote from Joe Russo, “Well, Tony does not have another movie. Tony is done. And Natasha has another film. And Marvel Universe obviously does not have to move forward linearly anymore. But that character still has more screen time coming.” (see here) and that annoys the hell out of me. She’s getting another movie - great! So you killed one of the few characters doing her fucking best to keep everything together at the compound, the one who was taking charge, give her a big role, and then murk her and... give her nothing but a brief mention at the end. Like... what the fuck? Natasha deserved so much better than what she was given. Tony’s funeral could’ve (and, frankly, should’ve) been a funeral for him, Natasha, and Vision because god forbid we see anyone mourn Vision other than Wanda

(actually this post covers how Endgame fucked over the MCU women perfectly, though Wanda’s not mentioned :c )

plus... Tony’s not done lol - he’s still a massive figure in the films/shows despite RDJ not acting in them, so his character has left shockwaves that aren’t dying any time soon. Natasha... basically disappeared, and I believe she would’ve been dropped completely if it wasn’t for the fact she does have a film coming out soon. Which, frankly, seems awesome and all, but it’s a film that goes back to post-CACW pre-IW and... frankly doesn’t give me any reason to understand why that means she didn’t get a funeral. She’s not coming back in future movies/shows that are in present MCU timeline - her movie is set in the past. She could’ve gotten a decent sendoff 

now, Clint’s arc as Ronin rubs me the wrong way. I know it’s a huge thing in the comics, and it’s not him taking a different mantle that I have an issue with. It’s the fact he, a white man, went around murdering people and got off scot-free. Yes, he was targeting genuinely bad people, but... to show that, they specifically singled out Mexican cartels and the yakuza (Japanese mafia, essentially) - so, in other words, the bad guys were people of color! I feel like I don’t need to explain how fucked up that is. And, to clarify, I love Clint! Clint is honestly one of my favorite characters, and the whole thing was just handled... poorly in the film

Tony’s arc genuinely hurts. This is a man who has suffered for years and has tried to make things right, and finally got a chance to settle down. He finally retired from the Avengers, finally settled down, and had a fucking life he could enjoy despite his ghosts, and yet... His arc ends with a message of “tortured soul finally gets rest by dying”. Because, y’know, it’s great seeing yet another long-suffering character only reaching peace through death, because god forbid they let characters heal! He could’ve still caused the second Snap, and he could’ve survived. He could’ve finally been able to step away for good and focus on his family, focus on recovering, and be truly happy. What’s so wrong with letting him stay alive so he can rest and be with his family? What’s so wrong with letting a long-suffering character finally find peace after one last bang? 

plus it pisses me off that they’re now using him as a reasoning as to why bad things are still happening. Why is this person the bad guy? Because Tony Stark somehow may or may not have done something that hurt them! Even though most of that really stems from Howard or Obadiah. Tony just ends up getting the blame in their place. He’s just an easy target to use, much like the tesseract seems to be the go-to answer for why things go wrong. But this is a different train of thought

Steve’s ending pisses me off just as much as the next person lmao. You take a character who has acknowledged he no longer belongs in the past (which, funnily enough, was written by the Russos), aaaaaaand have him go back to the past while ignoring two important people in his life that were still right there. He got Bucky and Sam back, and he leaves them. His arc is ruined within a matter of minutes, and it paints a hella bad picture of him in the process. He goes back in time to stay with Peggy (which ultimately destroys her own arc, and the fact she’s a person outside of her relationship (or lack thereof) with him because, y’know, why have her be able to move on and be her own person?), and we’re supposed to believe he’s fine with everything he knows from the future? Fine with knowing Bucky’s trapped with HYDRA and is suffering as the Winter Soldier? Fine with knowing HYDRA has infested SHIELD from day one? Fine with knowing Howard and Maria are going to die? Fine with royally fucking up the timelines? We’re supposed to believe he sat back and did nothing with all of that? They could’ve had him still hand the shield over to Sam - they could’ve let Steve stay an Avenger without the mantle

also the fact the Russos said he didn’t recognize Red Skull when he returned to Vormir to return the soul stone? Like... what the fuck?? Not to mention he literally returns the stone to Vormir, which “soul for a soul”, and they didn’t bring Nat back that way??

and now onto Thor. Thor... holy fuck is this hitting something personal for me. Thor was ridden with guilt - he was furious with himself, hated himself, and blamed himself for failing to stop the Snap. He fell into a massive depression, and... was promptly danced around as laughing stock. Like, “oh! look at Thor! he’s fat and drunk because he’s depressed haha!” - like fuck off. It’s not funny in any form. His suffering was made into a joke and it pisses me off because I suffer from depression. A lot of people suffer from depression. It’s not funny. It’s fucking terrifying at times. I wasted a shit ton of money on a stupid online sim game because it was a distraction - it gave me... god, I wouldn’t even say temporary happiness, but it gave me something to temporarily help, and I still hate myself for doing it. It was a poor decision on my part, and I wish I could change it. And, during that time, I was scared because I couldn’t see myself pulling out of it. I thought I was gonna feel that way forever. I called out of work multiple times because there were days I couldn’t stop crying (something I still feel horrible for doing), I couldn’t get myself to contact any of my friends for months, and it was all because the medication I was on at the time... stopped working. Thankfully, my depression doesn’t work in a way that makes me a danger to myself, so that wasn’t an issue, but it still fucking sucked. And to see a character that I could relate to on such a personal level treated as laughing stock fucking hurt. I’m not sharing this for sympathy - I’m sharing this because it Thor’s arc hit home and it’s literally the main reason why I will not watch Endgame again

this is more of a nitpick than anything else, but... I didn’t really care for Carol in it tbh? Which is unfortunately because Captain Marvel is one of my absolute favorite movies! And I’m well aware she was introduced in Endgame while CM was being drafted, but that in itself is annoying?? Because Carol was originally going to be introduced in AoU, but was cut because it wasn’t going to introduce her character properly. And yet they decide to introduce her character in a clusterfuck of a movie before her movie is in the final stages, and proceed to release her movie first and then give a complete different characterization in her following appearance

honestly I just wanna cover this now to clarify some things regarding Carter and her backstory: the only reason I keep Endgame as is is because it felt easier for me to do so for the purpose of bending canon for specific threads. I wanted to stay as true to the given plots as possible to help with fudging of both the movies and her background, and also because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I was trying to force my own headcanons onto them, y’know? 

I’m just gonna plug this here because fuck it lol, but I did start a fix-it fic regarding Endgame that you can read here! I... probably won’t finish it tbh, and I haven’t gone over it in a hot minute so it might be riddled with errors ahah - plus I’m not sure about how I wrote the characters! I get nervous when writing canon characters because I feel like I’ll miss their characterization completely, which is actually why I,,, rarely rp canon characters dgfjhgsfdhj

also the image in the doc was created by @/archervale!! 

[the-awkward-outlaw]

You are not alone

This is a one shot with Arthur Morgan. For once, it is not a request but rather more like a therapy piece for myself in order to process some current issues I have. That being said, trigger warning for parental abuse. 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You lie in bed, not really wanting to face the day. The idea of staying in bed all day and doing nothing is tempting. That familiar ball of nothing sits like a weight on your chest. This void inside you seems as deep and fathomless as the universe itself. It doesn’t feel good. 

You know why you’re feeling this way. How could you not after everything that happened with those people you used to call family? Everything’s blown up so quickly. There was almost no warning to it either. 

You’re also confused. Why are you so hurt to be abandoned by those people who hurt you for so long? Your father, that abusive bastard who never earned the title of “dad”. His words still echo in your head, the words “I want you gone, I don’t want you here”. When he’d screamed those words, it unburied so much hurt you’ve kept locked away for over 15 years. Things you never told anybody about, things you yourself barely remembered until recently. 

Then there’s your mother. Not nearly as abusive, but just as guilty. That pointless conversation she had with you a few days back did nothing but show that she’d seen your father’s abusive tendencies long before you were even born and she did nothing about it. Admitting now that she should have done better back then does nothing to erase the pain. Damn them both. Damn this whole scenario!

Of course, the fight that led to this situation has been overdue by several years. You’ve seen it coming for a long time, you just hadn’t been aware of it happening so quickly, and in such a bad place. You’d been on your vacation with your parents, visiting a lake you’ve loved since childhood. Because of certain situations and acts done by your parents (though you know your hands aren’t clean either), the fight broke out and the result is that you have now been estranged by both your parents. 

The situation is so complex and you don’t know how to feel. Anger, sure. Resentment, of course. Betrayal. You also want your parents to admit that they hurt you during your childhood and you’re damaged because of it, but you also know they won’t. Especially your father. He’s under the impression he was a wonderful dad, despite the fact that most days as a child, you hid for fear of his abuse. How can you hate them so much yet still want them as part of your life? 

There’s a sudden knock on your front door. Who the hell is calling at this time of day? Sure, the sun’s up, but it’s Sunday morning. Why would anyone be at your door? 

With a heavy sigh, you force yourself to get out of bed. You tidy yourself up enough to not look ghastly. Maybe it’s just the Amazon guy dropping off a package (though you don’t remember ordering anything within the last 2 weeks). 

When you open the door, you’re surprised to see your neighbor and good friend (not to mention the guy you’ve been crushing on forever) Arthur Morgan. He smiles when he sees you. 

“Hey, hope I didn’t wake ya.” 

“No, you’re fine,” you say, forcing yourself to smile. “I’ve been up a while anyways.” 

“Okay. This is gonna sound silly, but would you have two eggs to spare? I, uh, started makin’ myself some breakfast and realized I didn’t have any.” 

“Oh, of course! Here, let me grab them for you.” 

Arthur walks in the house after you. As you go into the kitchen, he looks around. Though your house is usually quite tidy, he can see there’s been a lack of care to it. Dust rests on your shelves, your TV. Your couch shows signs of not having been used in days. There’s also a smell that suggests the house has been empty, but as your neighbor and friend, he knows you’ve been home everyday. He’s been in your house often enough to know that it isn’t usually like this. 

Not only does it not look right, it doesn’t feel right. There’s a heaviness in the air, almost like a shadow sits over the house. He gets the feeling it’s stemming from you. 

Now that he thinks about it, he has barely seen you in the past 3 weeks. Pretty much ever since you came back from your vacation. You’d asked him before leaving to watch your house and feed your cat, which he did. But now that you’re home, he’s hardly seen you. Again, this is strange as the two of you are fairly close. 

Before your vacation, you’d watch movies together every Friday night. When you came back, you didn’t invite him over and when he invited you, he got responses that suggested you had other plans. 

“Here you go,” you say, walking out of the kitchen and holding out two eggs. He reaches for your hand, but then doesn’t let go. 

“Why don’t you come and have breakfast with me?” he says, his eyes soft. “You look like you could use some company.” 

You look up at him. You’ve wanted to see your friend for a while, ever since you came back. However, if your father made anything clear, it was that if he didn’t want you around, then no one did. 

“I… I don’t know, Arthur. I don’t want to be a bother.” 

“You ain’t gonna bother me, Y/N. Never have. Y’know, I been missin’ our Friday movie nights.” 

His comment makes you look away from him. “No, you don’t, Arthur.” 

He squeezes your hand a bit, then he lowers his head so he can look you in the eye. “You okay? You been different ever since you came back from that lake. Somethin’ happen up there?” 

Arthur’s the first person to point out that you’re not how you used to be, and his acknowledgement of that is what finally breaks you. Tears well up in your eyes and you cannot bear to look him in the face, feeling pathetic. 

“To… to be honest, a lot happened. Most of it wasn’t good.” 

A brief silence passes, then he squeezes your hand again. “Come have breakfast, darlin’. Looks like you could use a friend. I’ll cook for ya and you can talk about it.” 

At first, you think he just wants to hear some gossip, but when you look in his eyes, you can see he’s genuinely worried. So you nod and grab a couple more eggs and follow him out and over to his house. 

Arthur’s house is about the same size as yours. He’s more simple than you are, and being raised on a farm out west, he decorates like so. There’s a big painting of a horse over his couch which you’ve always liked. You peak in his office and see the large stag’s head hanging from the wall. 

In the kitchen, Arthur makes you a cup of coffee and then begins breakfast. As you sit at the table, your hands wrapped around the warm mug (which has a beautiful design of an elk), he gets some bacon cooking. 

When a few strips are sizzling away, Arthur sits down across from you. “So… tell me about this vacation of yours.” 

Arthur doesn’t say a word as you begin talking. First you start out with how you had bad feelings right before you went on vacation, but you attributed them to other aspects in your life. 

“It was like a part of me knew something bad was gonna happen,” you say. You’re shivering a little (something you always do when talking about a deeply personal thing). Arthur gently takes your hand in his to comfort you. It does help and you go on. 

You tell him about how things started to build up. Things started off with your mom. When you voiced your problems with her to your father, stating they made you want to leave early, he said if it felt right to you that you should leave, but then he suggested you talk with your mom first and try to resolve things. 

“The problem with that is these issues I’ve had with my mom have been going on for well over ten years. I’ve been nearing the end of my tether for ages.” 

Arthur nods and prompts you to go on. The talk with your mother you thought went well, but not twenty minutes after, she was doing the same things you said were causing the issue. Things escalated from there with not just your mother, but your father going and doing the same things that have been causing all these problems. They were doing a few things that suggested they’d heard you, but when push came to shove, they went no further. 

“On Thursday night, we went to this one place at the lake to try and fish. When I finished there,  I realized that I was just done. I wasn’t angry or resentful, I was just ready to come home.” 

Arthur nods and you notice he squeezes your hand a little. With that, you go on to say how the very next morning, you packed up your things and as you loaded up the car, your mother came bustling over, clearly upset, and accused you of ruining her vacation. She laid on the guilt hard. 

However, your father has always had a habit. When your mother gets upset, your father gets angry and he has an excellent way of making the person who hurt his wife feel like less than shit. He pulled out all the stops for you. Not only did he accuse you of being intolerant and inpatient, but he wouldn’t let you stand up for yourself. When you tried to, he put you down, stating you were an intolerant, selfish little brat and he wanted nothing to do with you. 

“What about your mama?” Arthur asks gently. “Surely she didn’t want things goin’ that badly?” 

You roll your watery eyes and look away. “My mom did what she does best. She just stood there and listened to him, not saying a fucking thing. She sat there and watched as my father essentially chased me out of there.”

Arthur lowers his head and sighs. “I’m real sorry, Y/N.” 

“That wasn’t it,” you say and then you go into explaining how your father’s verbal abuse uncovered a bunch of memories from when you were a child. Memories of your father verbally and even physically abusing you. Things you’d forgotten and sat on for over 15 years. They all came bubbling back up as you drove home, sobbing. Along with them came the emotions. The fear, the confusion, the anger and the hatred. 

“So…” Arthur says, dishing the food onto plates and handing you one. “That was, what… two weeks ago? Have either your ma or pa said anything?” 

You sniff a little and shake your head. “Well… my mom did. She came over and we talked for two hours. Honestly the stuff she said made the abuse from my father even worse, because she basically told me she’s known about his abusive tendencies longer than I’ve even been alive for and has let him do them. When I asked her why she didn’t stop him that day I left the lake, she said she was focusing more on what was going on in her head. Honestly I think that was a lie. I think she’s just as scared of my father as I was as a kid.” 

Arthur looks down. “That’s bad business, darlin’. Had no idea your daddy was so awful.” 

“Me too. I guess I worked hard to forget all that bullshit he did to me as a kid.” 

“Guess so. Did your mama try talkin’ ya into forgivin’ him?” 

You shake your head and sniff again. “No. No, she didn’t make excuses for him, but she tried gaslighting me. Said I should focus on the 80% that’s good and focus less on the 20% that’s bad. But when I think about it, there was no good when I was a kid. All he did was get angry at me. We didn’t start to have a civil relationship until I was just graduating college. And I don’t know, but in my opinion going to Yellowstone when I was 23 and having a good time doesn’t count.” 

“It don’t. Your daddy betrayed you when he hurt you all them times. He made a promise to protect you when he became your father and he broke up. Not only that, but your mama betrayed you too when she just stood by and watched him do those things.” 

You start crying again, letting the tears slip down your cheeks. Arthur stands up and cleans up the dishes (you didn’t eat very much, but he understands). When he walks back over the table, he comes over to your side and holds out his hand. 

“Come on, sweetheart. I know you’re probably feelin’ confused and hurt that even though your parents were abusive and did a lot of damage, it must be difficult to have lost them. Come here.” 

When you’re standing, he pulls you into a hug. Arthur’s only hugged you once. He’d gotten drunk during a movie night and had hugged you when he said goodbye. It was then that you’d developed your crush on him.

You press yourself into the hug, his heart thumping in your heart, calm and steady. Your body molds perfectly against his, like a puzzle piece. His arms wind around you, creating a protective barrier as you settle your forehead into the crook of his neck. 

As his heat seeps into you, all the emotions you’ve been mulling over come, only there’s a new one. Support. Arthur is the first person who not only showed any concern, but also showed any interest in wanting to help you. You feel his thumb rubbing circles on your lower back. 

After a few moments, Arthur leans away just a bit so he can look at you. “Y/N, can I tell you somethin’?” You nod and he goes on. “Even though you lost your family, I want ya to know this. I care about ya. Cared about ya a long time. When the two men who raised me passed away and I came out here, I had no one. But you reached out to me, made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I’m gonna do the same thing for you.” 

This makes you smile for the first time in days. “Thank you, Arthur. I couldn’t ask for more.” 

He smiles and then his hand comes up to cup your cheek. As you stare at him, his eyes flicker down to your lips. Is he thinking about you the same way you think about him?

“Arthur?” you whisper. 

He responds by leaning down and gently placing his lips on yours. Your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest as you sink into the kiss. His breath washes over your face and his hand moves up your back. After a moment, he pulls away, his cheeks pink. 

“I, uh, hope that was okay,” he says softly. 

You smile a bit. “I would give it a better word than that, Arthur. Thank you.” 

Arthur’s lips stretch into a wide grin and then they’re on yours again. “I’m gonna always be here for ya, darlin’,” he says after another moment. “You ain’t as alone as your parents want ya to think.” 

[lonestarbabe]

Holding Out for a Hero

Chapter 10: I Wanna Be Missed

[AO3]

T.K. and Carlos are pining idiots, and then, they have a moment of clarity.

I wanna be missed like every night

I wanna be kissed like it’s the last time

Say you can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t breathe without me

I wanna be held, fragile like glass

‘Cause I’ve never felt nothing like that

Say you can’t walk, can’t talk, can’t go on without me

Carlos

Ever since T.K. had come clean about the lies that he had told Carlos, the mood had changed between them. But Carlos felt like there was cement stuffed in his throat because nothing felt settled to him. He worried about T.K. more than ever. How can I know if he’s okay when he’s so good at faking it? How can I protect him? When are things going to spiral again? He was panicked at the idea that eventually, things were going to get worse again. New obstacles were always waiting along the horizon. As soon as I let my guard down, that’s when bad things happen, so I have to keep my guard up. I will keep him safe. I will stay vigilant.

“Did you feel the energy of the arena?” T.K. said after his show, bouncing on his toes. “I’ve never felt so alive.” T.K. was always good-spirited immediately after shows, but lately, he had been ebullient. He didn’t even have the post-show depression that usually appeared after the adrenaline worse off. He’d also been sober, at least as far as Carlos could tell.

“It was a great show,” Carlos praised. “You’re always so good.”

“Things are finally starting to feel normal.” T.K. finished packing his things to leave the arena. “And I get to see Marjan next week, and she won’t even have to give me a lecture to get my life together.”

“That’s great, T.K.”

“Who knew therapy would be so good?” It had only been a few weeks, and Carlos was worried that T.K. felt too good. When the honeymoon period wore off and T.K.’s therapist started to unearth more complicated topics, Carlos feared that T.K.’s good mood would plummet. He hoped T.K. was ready for the ups and downs of getting better. “I’ve tried it before, but I’ve never felt this good.”

Maybe I’m projecting. When Carlos had lost his job and his boyfriend, he’d been just as cheery when he first started therapy. He was hopeful. He thought he was over the worst of it, so he became complacent. Then, Taylor was arrested, and Carlos realized that no matter how many good days were having, you had to be ready for the bad days that crept in. Carlos wanted to warn T.K. about the lows that could so quickly turn into a spiral, but he didn’t know how to mention it without killing T.K.’s good mood.

He looked at his watch. “It’s late. Where to next?”

“Just the hotel. I’m not ready to go out yet,” which was a small relief. Carlos wasn’t going to gatekeep T.K.’s recovery, but he still worried about it. “I don’t even want to go out.”

“Wow,” Carlos said with a smile. “You really have changed.” He hoped he sounded encouraging.

“You’re staying with me, aren’t you?” Carlos loved staying in the same room as T.K., having him close, and laughing with him until early in the morning.

“I know you get lonely,” Carlos said, leading T.K. to the car. When they get there, he opens the door for T.K. and then plops down beside T.K., exhausted. He yawned, causing T.K. to yawn in response.

“You can have your own room if you want,” T.K. reminded him. He said that every time they stayed somewhere overnight. “It’s not like I need to pinch pennies, but I like having you around.” I like having you around too.

“It would be a waste,” Carlos said with a shrug. “Besides, I like our sleepovers. Gossiping and watching romcoms.”

“You love romcoms.”

“I only watch them because…” I love you “… you pout if I don’t.”

“Play it cool if you want. I know you love The Notebook.”

Carlos laughed. “You do know that romcom means romantic comedy, right?”

“You’re just trying to distract me from your romcom-loving, mushy heart.” T.K. nudges Carlos with his shoulder. “Just for that, I’m making you watch The Notebook tonight.”

“No thanks. I don’t want to cry.”

“A good cry is good for the soul.”

Carlos shook his head. “That’s what you’ll say until after The Notebook you make me watch Mamma Mia! to neutralize your emotions.”

“You love it,” T.K. replied with a cocky lilt and rested his head on Carlos’ shoulder. Carlos stayed very still the whole rise home so that T.K. would keep his head there.

When they got back to the hotel, they got into their pajamas, and as Carlos was going to get on his bed, T.K. patted the space next to him. “Sit with me for a while. I want you close so I can comfort you when the movie gets too sad.”

Carlos obliged. He saw that T.K. had already flipped the TV. “We’re not watching The Notebook.” Carlos knew what T.K. was about to do before he did it. “Don’t start pouting. I’m not falling for it.”

“Fine,” T.K. said, flipping the TV off.

Carlos regretted his choice. “I didn’t mean we couldn’t watch any movie.”

T.K. grinned. “I have better ideas.” He scooted closer to Carlos, easing across the big bed.

“What are you—"

T.K. pressed his lips to Carlos’, and Carlos pushed his weight into the mattress so that he could match the pressure on his lips. I forgot how good kissing can be. Carlos hadn’t kissed someone like that since Taylor, and he missed the feeling, and the kiss jolted the exhaustion from Carlos’ body. T.K.’s lips lingered, ghosting over Carlos’ even as T.K. pulled away. Selfishly, Carlos let T.K. kiss him again. A kiss never hurt anyone, Carlos thought. Just a few moments more, and then I’ll put an end to this.

T.K. pushed Carlos down on the bed and climbed on top of him. He pulled his shirt over his head and trailed his lips down Carlos’ neck, and Carlos was helpless to the chemicals surging through his body. Carlos raked his hand down T.K.’s abs. He’s beautiful.

“T.K., hold on.” Carlos couldn’t bring himself to say, “Stop.” T.K. rolled off Carlos right away, and Carlos fought the urge to pull T.K. back onto him. He missed the grounding weight, and before saying anything else, Carlos steadied his breath. God, I want him. “Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“What’s wrong?” T.K. asked, breathing heavily. I have to be the voice of reason.

“If we don’t stop now, we never will.” Carlos brushed a hand down T.K.’s face, needing to know that the moments they shared were more than just fantasy. T.K. was real, oh too real. The gesture gave T.K. the wrong idea. It was an implicit, “Keep going.” Carlos pulled his hand away, not wanting to be inadvertently cruel with the inherent promise in the softness of his touch, but it was too late. T.K. beamed, and Carlos was seconds away from promising T.K. the whole universe.

“I don’t want to stop.” T.K. kissed Carlos’ neck, and Carlos steeled himself, scrounging up all the self-restraint in his body. I don’t want to stop either. But he had to maintain boundaries. My heart is at risk, and I need to keep this situation under control.

“I do,” Carlos said without wavering, and T.K. wilted for a millisecond before hiding his disappointment under the effortless, carefree expression he used for his fans. Carlos hated that look being used on him. T.K. pulled himself further from Carlos. I can’t have it both ways. I’ve made my decision, and I have to stick with it.

“Okay,” T.K. said with a shaky voice; the intensity of his gaze shifted from Carlos to the generic art that was on the hotel wall. “That’s okay.”

“Are you upset?”

T.K. looked over his shoulder for a second, and he smiled like an eighth-grader with braces told to “smile with their teeth” on picture day. “Not at all,” he said, sounding a lot like a fire alarm with a dead battery. Only a moron would turn down T.K. Strand, and right now, I’m the most self-loathing moron on earth.

T.K.

I’m such an idiot, T.K. thought as his thoughts started to spiral into self-recrimination. I should have known that he wouldn’t be into me. I’ve ruined everything, and I took the best thing in my life and flipped it on its head. He’s looking at me with pity in his eyes and must think I’m so pathetic for making a move.

“I’m sorry,” T.K. said, rising from the bed. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Don’t be,” Carlos said in a rush.

“I thought…” T.K. trailed off. I thought there was something between us. Anxiety was building in his chest, converting into anger. “I shouldn’t have…I’m just lonely,” he said harshly. Carlos’ face fell, and T.K. hated himself for the part of him that wanted that hurt reaction. He couldn’t take the way those brown eyes were looking at him, the way they softened that anger even as the anger fought harder than ever to take over T.K.’s mind. “You’re really hot.” Complimenting Carlos’ appearance was a happy medium between the angry façade of rejection and the yearning heartbreak that so easily came with loving the way someone looked at you more than the way they looked to you.

Carlos didn’t respond, and T.K. couldn’t stop talking because if he did, he wasn’t sure what he might do instead. “Can’t blame a man for trying.” For hoping. He painted on a breezy smile as he pushed down the monsters stirring inside of him. “I’m probably not your type.” He probably likes sane people.

“It’s not that I’m not attracted to you.”

T.K. couldn’t help the hope that rose in his chest. I’m fool. He eased closer to Carlos, but he kept space between them. “Then, kiss me.” Please, and if you can’t do that, at least hug me. Hold my hand. Smile at me. Love me. He’d take anything that Carlos would give; he’d give anything that Carlos would take.

Carlos shook his head, voice low, “I can’t.”

T.K. wanted to beg. He wanted to say, Pretend I’m yours for just an hour. Give me a taste of your love, and I won’t ask for more. Let me have just one moment, so I can imagine how forever with you might feel. Make me feel like I matter. “What’s a little stress relief between friends?”

“Stress relief wasn’t what we were doing, T.K. Not to me.”

“What were we doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is this going to make things weird?” T.K. asked, dreading the answer.

“Of course not,” Carlos was quick to reassure him.

“I’m going to sleep,” T.K. said, flopping onto the other bed and flipping the lamp off. He didn’t want Carlos to see the glassiness in his eyes. He was trying not to cry because then Carlos might realize how heartbroken he was.

“Are you okay?”

“A little rejection isn’t going to make me a druggie again, Carlos,” T.K. snapped. But the thought passed my mind, he thought darkly.

“We can still watch a movie.”

T.K. shook his head. “I’m exhausted.” He turned away from Carlos, and he tried to force himself to sleep. I wish I had an oxy to chase the sadness away, he thought as his breathing steadied and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

Carlos

Carlos hadn’t been able to sleep. T.K. was across the room in the other bed, turned on his side so that he faced away from Carlos. Carlos crept out of the dark room, slipping into the lit hallway. He pulled out his phone and realized that he didn’t have anyone to call. He studied his contacts, trying to find a relationship that he hadn’t neglected. Finally, he took a gamble and called the one person who always seemed to see through T.K.’s bullshit.

“What did he do this time?” Marjan said after one and a half rings.

Carlos wondered if calling her had been a mistake as he struggled to find words. He looked at the time, and it was three am. He considered hanging up altogether, but Marjan’s curiosity would probably lead to her calling him back. But what do I say?

“Oh, I see,” Marjan said when Carlos didn’t say anything. “You’re worried you did something.”

“It’s late. I shouldn’t have bothered you.” He gulped. “I didn’t have anyone else to call.” That’s pathetic!

“It’s earlier here.”

“Still,” Carlos hedged.

“Carlos, we’re friends. I wouldn’t have answered if I didn’t want to talk.”

“We are?”

“Anyone who cares as much about T.K. as you do is a friend.”

“I’m not doing so well on that front. I think I care too much. That’s the problem.”

“Caring too much isn’t a problem, Carlos.” It is when it stands in the way of my job.

“I meant—”

“I know what you meant,” Marjan said. “You’re worried about getting too attached.”

“I’m already there,” Carlos said with a titter.

“What’s the problem?”

“My job. I can’t cross any more boundaries.”

“Sounds like an excuse to me.”

“I’m not sure why I called. Sorry to have wasted your time.”

“You’re not getting out of this that easy, buddy.”

“I was afraid of that.”

“You called for a reason, and since you did, you’re getting the friend treatment.” She continued, “This isn’t about your job. It never was. You’re afraid. You’re terrified of what it means to love him. I get it. I’ll kill you if you tell him I said this, but T.K. is sunshine on a rainy day. He makes you feel important. When you’ve gotten his trust, he’s loyal and affectionate. He gives his whole heart. But all those things that make T.K. so lovable are also what makes him so terrifying because sunshine can burn. He becomes self-destructive. He burns too brightly. He gets lost in his passion, and in the process, he hurts the people who are closest to him.”

“How do I deal with that?”

“You remember that loving T.K. Strand means knowing that you can’t save him from himself. You can support him. You can lessen the heat, but you can’t burn with him, no matter how tempting that may be.” That’s what I was afraid she would say, Carlos thought.

“I can’t stop these feelings, can I?” Carlos asked miserably.

“Not really, so it’ll only hurt you both if you’re a dumbass about it.” She sighed. “Tell him how you feel. I’m serious.”

“He’s asleep,” which was probably for the best. If T.K. was awake, Carlos might have stormed into the room before he had the chance to think things over.

“He won’t be forever.” I can’t avoid this forever.

“Yeah,” the conversation dwindled. “Thanks for the advice. Goodnight, Marjan.”

“Call me again sometime when it’s not so late. We can have a real chat. Like real friends do.”

“Will do,” Carlos replied before hanging up the phone and sneaking back into the room as quietly as he could, afraid to wake T.K. up. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do come morning, but when he came back into the room with the light already on, a dim glow around T.K.’s face like a halo, Carlos had a wave of courage that he didn’t think would last until the morning.

Carlos stared into T.K.’s red-rimmed eyes, knowing that it was a decisive moment. He either had to end whatever it was between them for good or take a chance on feelings that were blooming between them, but he knew he couldn’t keep T.K. in limbo. “Do you have a minute to talk?” Carlos asked, fear in his voice, and the pause before T.K. spoke felt like it lasted a lifetime.

[mywrittingwonderland]

She Comes First P.3 (Sophia x Shawn)

Part 1 Part 2  Masterlist Hello pretty people, I AM BACK! I can't believe I am finishing this! It has been a while, but hope you like it :) PS. Sorry for the mistakes, is 3am (I clearly can't write during the day as you may have already noticed...) Word count: 3,026 Warnings: Mentions of PR and anxiety.

- - - - - -

“Yeah, I know. Come here,” He said, referring to how bad her anxiety was at that moment, and how she was trying her best to not lose control completely. “I got you, It will be okay.” He hugged her tight one more time and made sure to keep his breathing steady.

“What-what if it doesn’t?” She stammered, trying to not start crying again.

“Well, then we figure out a plan B, together,” Shawn reassured her, knowing that she needed it.

“Okay.” She agreed and took some deep breaths with his help.

“What do you need now?” He asked after a while of breathing, and after he could no longer feel her heart racing against him.

“Can you just hold me a little bit more.” She asked, and he sited down on the floor, putting her on his lap.

“Of course.” He said, giving her a kiss on the cheek and taking a deep breath. They stayed in silence for some minutes, taking in the presence of one another.

“I am sorry.” She said after a while.

“Well, don’t be. You did nothing wrong”. He said, sincerely, she had a habit of over apologising after she had a mental breakdown, even though he didn’t mind taking care of her at all.

“I didn’t tell you the truth”. She said, looking down and playing with his fingers.

“Yeah, I am not very happy about that, but I get it”.

“You do?” She scrunched her face, and he nodded.

“Mhm, I do. But I want you to know that you can tell me anything.” He said, and she looked down. “Look at me, Boo. You know that, right?” He asked one more time. “Even if I have a lot going on, you are as much important as I am.” She nodded and let a tear go down her face, one that he quickly caught.

“I am so sorry,” She said, again taking a deep breath.

“It’s okay Love, do you want to get out of here and go back to the house?” He proposed, feeling the chilly wind coming from the outside.

“Let me just lock her up,” She said, getting up and going to lock Pinky back, she then turned to him and smiled, making him smile back instantly. He really missed her, especially when she was smiling.

“I can’t believe you are actually here.” She stated, and he giggled, grabbing her hand, pulling her closer. He caressed her face for a bit, taking in all the little details he loved, in her mouth, nose, cheeks, all his favourite parts.

“I thought you’re going to be very mad at me for being here, I was freaking out the entire way.” He said, stopping to touch her and letting her open her eyes again.

“I asked to be alone, but I don’t really want to be, I just didn’t want to bother you. And I wasn’t planning on breaking apart on a phone call, I was just going to call you in the morning and tell you that I missed my Grandma and I was staying here for a week.” She said, sincerely

“You, Miss Rose, do never bother me, never ever.” He said, middle naming her. “And I would never just let you alone after you asked to be alone crying because I know you.” He said, making her smile again.

“Thank you.”

“Always, Baby.”

They walked back to the house in silence but glued to each other. They did that a lot actually, not taking for a while, and letting their senses take over. Some days it was enough to simply feel each other’s presence.

“Oh, you are back, Shawn you should eat something.” Sophia’s Grandma said as soon as they entered the door.

“I…” He looked at Sophia as if asking if she was okay enough for him to go.

“It’s okay, Grandma is right. I will take a shower, go eat.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, turning to grab her hand and turning her to look at him, she nodded and gave him a peck on the lips. “Okay, I will be up in a bit,” He said, kissing her a little bit longer this time. “I love you.”

“I love you.” She said backwards and went up the stairs. She probably stayed in the shower longer than she should have, because when she came out Shawn was already there, in comfy clothes, and with her favourite snack waiting.

“Hi.” He smiled as soon as he saw her.

“Hi.”

“Brought you cookies and tea.” He stated happily. “Strawberry with vanilla seeds.”

“Thank you.” She said sincerely. Remembering something her mother told her once about the fact that you should marry someone that remembers your favourite tea flavour.

“Can I brush your hair?” She nodded and handled him her brush. His hands were soft while brushing her hair, way more delicate than he would play the guitar with, and it made her relax and close her eyes feeling loved. “So, I asked Andrew to finish up the PR.” He blurted after a while.

“What?” She opened her eyes and looked back at him, making him stop brushing her hair.

“Yeah, it is not really settled yet and probably I will still need to have some meetings about some stuff, but no more weird videos that I can promise.”

“Shawn, I am sorry,” She said, looking down.

“About what exactly?” He asked, gently pushing her chin up so she would look at him again.

“I didn’t want to cause…” He put his finger in her mouth, stopping her.

“You didn’t do anything, so don’t be sorry,” He said and give her a quick kiss on the lips. “I love you, so, so, so much,” He said before properly kissing her.

“I love you too.”

“I am so sorry I made you feel like you were alone in all this.” He said, brushing his nose in hers.

“It’s okay. You had a lot going on I didn’t want to just add more to that, and be the annoying girlfriend.” Sophia said, closing her eyes, something she did when she was saying something that she didn’t want to get too real.

“Stop, no. Look at me.” He asked and waited until she was looking inside his eyes before he continued. “It’s not okay, this is a 2-person relationship. And your life was going crazy, and you didn’t tell me anything.” He said gently, he was not mad at her, but he wishes she would have told him sooner what was going on.

“I am sorry.”

“I am not mad at you, I am mad at myself. Because something inside me was screaming that you were not okay, but then every time we talked, you had that beautiful smile on your face and something fun about your week to tell me. So I just thought I was going crazy because I was missing you too much.” He said sighting in the end.

“I know I should have said something, but I didn’t want to make things more complicated than they already were.” She said, trying to explain. He loved her for putting him first always, but he really needed her to understand that she also comes first to him.

“Soph… You come first, always. I know I have been doing a pretty shitty job on showing that lately, and I am sorry. But you will always come first. I love you so much, so much. And I don’t want you to be alone while your entire world is crumbling down at once.” He said brushing away a tear that fell down her face.

“And I love you back, but I also know that you are facing a lot already.” She said one more time, making him smile at her kindness, he was sure it was impossible to find a bigger heart than hers on this universe.

“Yeah, I am. And you are facing the exact same lot with me because I pulled you into my mess. But then you also have more than that lot. And you were doing it all by yourself.” He said, caressing her face and making her close her eyes again, to feel his touch better. “I don’t want you to feel alone, I need you to tell me things. The bad stuff too, don’t try to protect me from your problems, especially when they are so much bigger than a PR playing or being alone from my family on tour. It’s not like you are hiding a cold Baby girl.” He said, leaving in and kissing her temple.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s okay, I am here now. And we are getting you better. But please promise you will tell me even the smallest shitty thing in your day from now on like I broke my favourite pen or something.” He said, making her smile.

“I broke my favourite pen?”

“Yeah, I want to know that.” He said, making her giggle a bit, and he smiled as an automatic response. “Seriously Baby,” He said, still smiling.

“I promise.”

“Pinky promise?” He asked, showing her his pinky and waiting for her to intertwine hers in his.

“Pinky promise.”

“Now, do you want to talk about it? My sister told me the headlines, but I want you to tell me. If you feel like doing it now. If not that’s okay too, we could go downstairs and get some of your Grandma’s hot chocolate and more cookies.” He proposed.

“We can talk about it,” She said. She got the brush from his hand and put it on her nightstand before she sits in front of him with her legs crossed.

“Okay, first let me say... you declining universities broke my heart. And honestly, I am feeling very guilty about this one.” He started grabbing her hands and intertwining with his just to keep them closer.

“Don’t. I declined all the Toronto ones because I wouldn’t be there for the starting of it, but also because I applied to one in London and I got in, and I have been thinking about going there since I am a child, so I thought it would be good. How do you feel about living in London for 4 years?” She asked, biting her lips nervously, they had talked before, and he told her to choose, so of course he was not mad at her.

“I have always wanted to live in England to know more about your world, so let’s do this.” He said, smiling truthfully at her. “And congratulations, I am so proud of you! And I am so happy you did apply somewhere else too. And please never do that again, because I would have ended that PR ages ago if you had told me.” Shawn said, embracing Sophia on a tight hug and making them both fall on the bed, him on top of her.

“I know you would, but then Andrew would have hated me forever. Like he probably is now.” She said and noticed how he laid down by her side and looked at her before answering.

“No, he wouldn’t have, and he doesn’t. If he does, he is stupid.” He said, making her smile.

“Shawn!” She reprehended him, even though she was still smiling, and that was all he needed to know that he said the right thing.

“What? It’s true!” He said, brushing his nose on hers. “Look, he created this entire mess in the first place.”

“True.”

“Yep.” He gave her a peck on the nose before continuing. “Now he will deal with the fact that I am moving to London.”

“If you don’t want to, it’s okay. I know you love being close to your family and…” She said, going back to putting him first as always.

“And you are my family, so yeah.” He said, interrupting her.

“Seriously, though.”

“Oh, I am dead serious. I mean, of course, I love being close because most of the time I am very far. Still, we can go to Canada when you don’t have classes, and honestly, my entire family would kill me if I didn’t come. And I don’t want to be more away from you than I am already. Of course, there will be times that I will need to go to LA and stuff, but that’s just one flight away, it will just be a little bigger of a flight.”

“So do you really want to come?” She asked emphasising on the “really”.

“I really do. Did you think I was kidding when I told you to pick up wherever you wanted, and we would work it out?”

“No, but I was choosing Canada then.”

“And you changed your mind, and that’s okay.” He reassured her.

“You know moving countries is harder than it sounds like.”

“Yeah? Good thing we are in this together then!” He said, giving her a soft kiss before letting her continue.

“Flake died.”

“Liyah told me, how are you feeling about this?”

“I was sad, but then my brother was with me, and we both talked a lot about it. It helped.” She said, and he nodded, he could see that she was still not 100% fine, but that she was telling the truth. “It’s been almost a month now, it still feels weird, but I am okay, I think.”

“I am sorry he had to go, but I am sure he is jumping around up there as much as he used to jump with us.”

“Yeah, I am sure he is.” She said, giving him a smile, even though her eyes got a bit glossy again, and she let a tear run down her face.

“Maybe we can have a dog, I am not allergic anymore.” He proposed. “I mean I don’t want you to feel like I want to replace him, because I don’t…” He quickly tried to explain, even though that never really crossed her mind.

“Yeah, we could have one. But can we wait a little bit more?”

“Of course!” He said, kissing her forehead. “I missed you a lot, you know! Like so much, I thought I would go crazy.” He said, caressing her face gently.

“I missed you too, and I missed talking with you.” She said, making him smile.

“Good, because you Miss, are telling everything from now on.” He said, and she smiled for a second before she got serious again

“Grampa is sick.” She said, and took a deep breath before continuing. “He needs heart surgery.”

“When is he gonna have it?”

“He won’t, he doesn’t want to have it.” She said pouting at the end and letting more tears go down her face.

“Oh, I am so sorry baby,” He said, hugging her tight and letting some of his own tears go down his face this time.

“I don’t blame him, but I wish he would try.” She said, and he nodded still hugging her. “It’s up to him, though.”

“I wish none of this was happening.” He whispered.

“Me too, but we don’t really choose those things.” She said, trying to make him feel better, even though it was his job to do that for her at that time.

“Yeah, I will be here as long as you need me to be. And if you want to come to tour with me while you don’t start university, you can.” He said, loosing up on the hug and looking her in the eyes again just so he would know he is serious.

“Shawn, I don’t want to mess up things more than they are already.”

“You won’t because I told Andrew to end the PR.”

“Shawn...”

“No, Phi. I don’t want to do it anymore.” He said before she could tell him he should just finish it and that she didn’t want to bother his work “And you know how I figured I loved you?” He asked, and she shook her head no “It was when I started to feel love to you more than what I felt for music.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All I am saying is that. Music is my dream, the one I have always wanted, and then when you got into my life you messed me up, in a good way of course, but things shifted. It’s just you are the dream I have never dreamed of before. I would give up anything for you, and that is scary, because I really love music, but if I ever had to choose I wouldn’t even think about it for one second.” He said, closing his eyes and brushing his nose on her neck to smell her perfume. “I could definitely fall in love for another profession, but I wouldn’t find another you ever.” He said, looking inside her eyes. “So, yes I am ending this PR, it doesn’t really matter to me if I will have to pay someone, or if it would be some steps back. It doesn’t matter.”

“I love you so much, Mendes.”

“And I love you so much… Every inch of you” He said, kissing her all over her face making her giggle. They stayed quiet for some minutes, just breathing and taking the presence of each other before he talked again.

“Phi?”

“Mm?”

“Did you talked with your therapist about the anxiety?” He asked, he didn’t want to push her too much, but he needed to know that she did that because it was necessary.

“Yes”

“What did she say?”

“That I may need to go back with my meds for a while,” She said, opening her eyes and looking at his.

“How do you feel about that?” He asked, grabbing her right hand and plating a kiss on it.

“Like I have somewhat failed, it has been 4 years, you know.”

“You didn’t fail though, It’s okay to need help, we need different things in different moments of our lives. It doesn’t mean you failed Sweetheart.” He explained, trying to reason with her mind.

“I think you are right.”

“I know I am, and I will be here in every step of the way, just like you were there for me”.

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