#also I had a really good genuine convo with someone the other night that brought me to tears and made me realize I need therapy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

icharchivist · 3 years ago

Note

Thank you for answering the previous asks and hope you're prepared!

How much, out of ten, are you of each winter troupe member?

Have a good day :3c

ahah thank you for doing that all the way!

and oh boy i thought i was prepared but turns out-

okay notewise.:

Tsumugi: 7/10, Tasuku: 3/10, Homare: 4/10 Hisoka: 9.5/10, Azuma: 10/10, Guy: 6/10

(if you're supprised Azuma is actually my ultimate kin and it's not Hisoka: congratz i fooled all of u. the only reason i don't have an Azuma icon is that i genuinely think he looks too sexy in some arts and it doesn't feel Me despite everything else. The more u know.)

And. i need to warn that i went much more into personal details for Hisoka and Azuma under the cut to the point where it may be overwhelming. And that Azuma's entry alone is 2.1k words long. What the fuck me.

Relating to team "we have so much trauma" is going to be so much fun.

coughs, anyway take care :3c

(Links: Spring, Summer, Autumn , Winter ranking)

Winter my beloved, this is going to be a normal, non emotional ranking at all.

Tsumugi: 7/10 I relate to his lack of confidence, and the way he gave up on everything he loved when his spirit was crushed (re what I was talking about with my Kumon rant). On my down time I did study a bit of psychology and though I wouldn’t put myself at the same level as a psy student I’m often told I read people mostly in an accurate way so I can relate to that. I can use my powers for Evil like nudging people in some direction or knowing where to attack, but I am super aware of that and I’ve been extra conscious about not having it happen again for over ten years now DLKFJDLF (Azuma is kinda like that too). But yeah the fact he is like that too makes it relatable.

I also think that the whole “feeling you fucked up and took all the responsibility when a friendship broke apart” is also something very relatable. So is “ghosting your friends after that”. I relate to the fact he’s a nerd too. I relate to him more than not but I guess I just removed points because of how while I relate to specificities the whole thing doesn’t connect as much as it could?

Tasuku: 3/10 he’s probably the one I relate the least to. I honestly didn’t understand Tasuku much until Nocturnality on my first read, and it’s only then that things clicked. Legit I saw him the way Azuma saw him dLKFJDKFJDF. But I do feel it relatable that he feels responsible for failing his friend and that he took it upon himself to try to read more into how people are behaving to try to prevent it from happening again. But else he’s. genuinely not like me KDJFKLDFJDFL

Homare: 4/10 mhmm. I think I relate to the way he is passionate and how much he genuinely loves. I also relate to the fact he is pretty analytic, though the details of what makes his struggles are not something I relate to easily. I have felt broken before, I was told i was broken or unfit in some ways, so this particular pain is something I completely understand. I also did use to be an artist and a writer so I can relate to that passion of his, although as I mentioned in others ranking *shrugs*. That said he’s very much more exuberant and confident than I am and I would assume I know how to deal with people emotionally a bit more.

Hisoka: 9.5/10 oh boy where to start. This is going to be a tough one to get into without getting extremely personal. To start with, I’m a sleepy baby. I sleep a lot DLKJFDF though not much at night. I used to fall asleep in class all the time my friends had to always be on the watch out for me. I don’t have much energies. I love plushy and I love being comfortable in some places. I also really love sweets tho not as much as him. I also do care ways too much for my specific plushies and pillows (I do have huge penguins plushies too).

I, too, have memories issues, though of course to a lesser extend. I have a lot of trauma and for a lot of them I ended up getting fuzzy memories. I used to be in a pretty toxic environment where I constantly had to make use of my memory to survive, and so when my memory started failing me, I was terrified. My parents gaslight me all the time and pretends a lot of things that happened didn’t happen and that I’m crazy for believing it happened, so the moment my memory started to fail me I started to panic a lot. It terrified me to not being completely sure whenever I could trust myself or not. It made me feel extremely unreliable. It’s still something I struggle with a lot.

This would have been my answer pre-awakening moon at least. I always related to him to some degree so Awakening moon was a slap in the face in a way I wasn’t ready to deal with, and this is where I have to be uncomfortably personal.

I am the youngest sibling of 3. My eldest sister ran away from home when I was 6, never to be seen again. My other sister resented me because I used to be very close to the eldest and she was jealous about it, and while the reasons were linked to our parents, who were extremely toxic to us and kept us into this toxic environment for years on end, my sister took all her anger out on me. While we’ve discussed it as adults now, our relationships is too strained to fix it nowadays.

It took me a long while – it took me Azuma’s arc actually – to realize that the way I feel for my eldest sister is more akin to grief than to abandon. I don’t even remember her. I don’t remember her and still apparently the way I was close to her was the reason my sibling hold it against me. I couldn’t even remember *why* my sister was mad at me because I don’t even remember being close to my sister that much. All I know is that she left because the situation at home was too toxic. It was.. so messy.

I have. Much more trauma linked to that specifically but that’s the root of something that hit me in the face with Hisoka’s arc. Because I can’t remember a person that disappeared from my life, and yet it was enough for it to break and shape everything I’ve lived through since. I couldn’t even start to talk about how it still impacts me now 20 years later. I’m just now making peace with the fact this was grief. This is the gist of the reason Hisoka’s arc hit me as hard as it did (and the fact that Chikage is actively undoing all the bad things his own grief pushed him to do on Hisoka is the reason Chikage is so compelling to me. My sister could never lol.).

I felt also that I had to take all the responsibilities for what happened. I felt like I could make things easier for the family after this trauma, at the rip age of 7, and no one stopped to think maybe a child shouldn’t have to be dealing with a collective family trauma like this. But well. Here we are.

I relate to the fact Hisoka also struggles to accept everything that happened. And that now he’s trying to make things better for others people he can relate to. It’s so… complicated.

Also I can’t forget the fact Hisoka tried to kill himself and :/ as someone who has had a lot of suicidal idealization in my life this really hit a lot harder than it should have.

In general I would just say that socially I’m not really like him except with people I’m comfortable with teasing. Hisoka can be a little too rude and it’s where I can’t relate lol. But otherwise man I care him so much I feel so seen. I’m just removing 0.5 points for that and I don’t give him full mark because of what I’ll explain next.

Azuma: 10/10 This one is going to be a trip. It’s about twice the length of the Hisoka’s rant. Mister took me by the throat too. As I think it’s clear now I cannot relate to the fact he genuinely loved his family and how much his family cared for him. Yet I relate… to about everything else.

On the surface I do think I seem more approachable and easy to talk with. I try to be the kindest person I can be, to not be judgmental. I’m conflict avoidant, just like he can be, and if I’m annoyed with someone I’m muuuuch more likely to use passive aggressiveness like he does with Tasuku when he’s pissed at him. (sidenote: I do find it funny that Tasuku was the only character I really felt I didn’t get until Nocturnality, while Azuma was having the exact same problem, and then he became one of my fav the moment it clicked. Azuma is my braincell.)

More often than not, there’s a smile on my face and I try to be soft in the way I can be. I’m generally pretty calm, I’ve been told I was soothing, or give good hugs, this sort of stuff.

Now onto the heavy stuff.

I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors linked to a lot of my traumas. I’m honestly scared sometimes to go to sleep ^^”. But in general, if Hisoka reflects a lot of a personal trauma and how it would personally affect me, Azuma reflects a lot on how I would behave with others people in general and especially when I’m unwell. I’ve coped most of my life with, everything that happened to me, by just. Trying to keep people at armlength. I don’t want to let people close to me, especially irl. Discussing all of that online gives me a distance that allows me to discuss it but, I remember in high school I was going through very bad things, and a few years later I was hanging out with a friend and I happened to open up about those things. And she was going livid because, she had known me for what, 6 years at that point? And she never knew any of this. We talked a lot then, we were close, but she never knew all those things about me until years later. It kinda scared her because to her I was always a sweet and cheerful person and she never expected that I was doing this badly. I remember then she brought up something we discussed back in a party with many of our others friends from high school and similarly they were all. “how did we never know any of this.”. Seeing Azuma in Nocturnality kinda brought me back to that convo tbh LKDJFLKDFJFD.

But I’m good at pretending I’m closer to people than they think. I’m an excellent listener. A lot of my friends tended to rely on me as the person they could talk about their problems to. I used to do it much more back then but I also used to pour a lot of energy trying to make it easier for people, solving their problems. Full on Therapist Friend:tm:. It does help that, as I said with Tsumu, I have basis in psychology so sometimes some observations I can make help much more than expected. Just like Azu tbh lol.

Oh also I am cuddly with my friends in general. I’m super touch starved but also to the point I feel uncomfortable to seek hugs because I just don’t get any on a normal basis and my body isn’t used, but I’m super cuddly and when I’m with my closest friends I’m like a koala.

And it gives people the impression to people that I’m very close to them because I know them well, and I know the ins and outs of why they behave the way they do. But. I kinda feel like it’s one sided more than not. And it’s all because of me, because I keep my walls up very high and it means people don’t generally expect that I’m hiding things.

I’m good at distracting too. I don’t relate to how flirty Azuma is but I keep seeing it as him distracting others. It’s flattering, and just embarrassing enough that the person ends up dropping whatever they may be pressing on Azuma to talk about. And, while not with flirting, I do that a lot, especially using compliments like that. (That said my kindness or teasing has been misinterpreted as flirting before DLKFJDLKF I’m trying to be extra conscious about not having that misunderstanding happen nowadays but man it happened a lot).

Azuma knows a lot of people, and has been supporting a lot of people, but he doesn’t let people in as much.

And a lot of it is linked to his own sense of grief. Of the fact he has lost so much he can’t afford to go through the pain of losing something again, so he distances himself from it before it can hurt. And I do that a lot.

I mentioned in the previous rant but it’s seeing Azuma’s arc that made me understand how much it’s more grief than abandon that makes it so hard for me to move on. And a part of me kinda just. Grieves the family I could never have, the normal life I wish I could have lived and clang too all of my life. When Azuma told Guy “I was always so lonely. Everyone had families they could take for granted but I had no one.” Oh my god it destroyed me. And how he mentions just afterward that while he has new people to rely on, it couldn’t change the fact he was still feeling this pain of losing his family and it just. Man. Might be crying right now.

It’s like… I think the reason I especially related to that is that, in therapy I’ve often discussed my problems in the lenses of neglect and abandon but the problem with that lenses is that, at least with the therapists I had, they tend to focus on the fact that therefore I /must/ be still yearning for them to change and turn around, like I could change something. But I don’t. I was resigned at some point. And it’s really only when I read that that I felt this exact resignation I have been feeling all that time. I think I mentioned once how reading a3 felt like going one step toward recovery I didn’t know I could get and this was exactly the scene I meant. It legit took a weight off my heart that i've been carrying for decades. It was the strangest feeling in the world.

Anyway more in general too, on top of keeping people at distance, I am also a pro at “suddenly disappearing/ghosting when I get too close and/or have a relapse”. When Azuma starts to pull his relapses like we see in Nocturnality, I see myself. Legit had a friend who read a3 who called me out about that DLKJFDKLFJ. Acting weird like this, closing yourself in like this, coming back to some harmful coping mechanism as a way to connect back with your own self, those are all things I do. And it sucks. Like. The things I put my friends though sucks. But I really can’t help it sometimes.

I’m good at listening and observing, I’m generally good at picking up why people act a certain way, but I’m still very distant. I do everything I can to pretend I’m not distant and generally it fakes an idea of intimacy that I don’t specifically see as such.

And I see all of that in Azuma in ways that are terrifyingly relatable. Another thing Azuma says in this convo with Guy, about how “Everytime I would go to sleep, I would wish the morning would never come” me. Mood. Holy shit. Feel seen. I hate it. Just in general though the way he talks about morning as this terrifying thing is me. Between the night terrors and the fact morning genuinely makes me feel horrible, that’s kinda why I end up oversleeping until the afternoon DLKFJDF Azuma my lord I feel you.

Because of my nightly panic attacks I do try to come up with ways around it mainly by drinking some relaxing tisanes and stuff. Oh and I did have a huge period in life where I HATED being in the sun, and I fucked over all of my melanin because of that. as a kid I would tan very easily, but now the sun hates me as much as I used to hate it. So when Azuma is a drama queen about not wanting to stay in the UV too much I’m just like. How dare you pull out a mirror on me I didn’t ask for this. (also I have been called a vampire by people esp when I was a teen but that’s just how people called edgelords like me. Still. Reo my beloved.)

There is honestly so many little things with Azuma that reminds me of myself like this that it makes me go nuts. If Hisoka is who I relate to in term of specific trauma and how I cope personally, Azuma is more like, the direct physical impact of my trauma on me and the way it makes me relate to others people, as well as just every little behaviors here and there that are just so specific.

One of the only thing I really don’t relate to Azuma about is his love for Alcohol but I think if you replace it with like, my addiction to juice it works out the same.

Oh and, that’s a stupid but funny thing to me, I project hard on how much the reason he keeps his hair long is a form of mental stability for him, because I legit keep my hair long for my own mental stability. I have tied ways too much of my recovery process to my hair that when I see Azuma coping with grief with his hairstyle and how almost cutting it would be him spiraling down, I felt seen.

also i have 0 stamina just like him.

ANOTHER THING is also the fact Azuma is genuinely yearning for connections with people but he spent so much of his life keeping people away that as much as he’s yearning for it, it takes him so long to be able to lower those walls because he’s been so used to keep people away that he can’t reply to this yearning. And the way how, once he actually ends up feeling this bit of vulnerability toward people, he would suddenly shut in like it suddenly scares him? Mood.

One last thing (i promise) (i think) is that, if it wasn't obvious from all my ranting.... So much of myself and the way i view myself is defined by my trauma. I struggle to exactly come to term with my identity in any shape or form that isn't deeply related to my trauma. Even if you asked me what my sexuality is (please don't), my actual answer would be completely shaped by the fact i have so much trauma linked to sexuality, romance and gender, that i don't want to process it at all and can't actually manage to "fit the boxes" because i cannot see myself as something else than my trauma, or explain my feelings without linking it to my trauma. Honestly at times i find it kinda cringeworthy from me because i really, really can't tell about anything about my identity without thinking of my various traumas (i talked about a few of them in those rankings but it's not even the tip of the iceberg for a lot of stuff.) And when i see the way Azuma is in particular, maybe i'm projecting, but i feel like a lot of it is the same. Like not processing his age because if he does it reminds him of how he outlived those he loved (which is an headcanon but com'on.) or how even his hair is linked to his trauma. Or how he doesn't drive because it's linked to his trauma. I feel SO seen.

If it wasn’t for the fact he genuinely loved and was loved by his family, I would have felt exactly the same about everything regarding him.

But I still give him a full mark because the way Azuma’s arc has affected me is beyond any possible words I could use. And also because I legit wrote above 2100 words just on how much I related to Azuma ALONE. Even Hisoka took me 800 WORDS. HELLO. Guy: 6/10 Back to general coping here, Guy isn’t exactly relatable to me except in well. For exemple the ways the others relate to him, especially Hisoka and Azuma. So his memory loss to cope with intense family trauma is relatable to me, the way he can have nightmares and night terrors is also hella relatable to me.

But something that’s more Guy that I relate to is the whole “Step dad kept talking down on him and verbally abusing him until Guy basically completely closed himself in” because man. I won’t elaborate but I’ve really felt from reading that verbal abuse the same way I felt thinking back to how my ex-step dad used to talk to me. It made me so angry on his behalf. And the way he internalized it to cope was something deeply relatable.

Another thing with Guy is the fact that Guy did genuinely believes himself inhuman and tbh there was a time when I was very young where I would catch myself unable to feel a bit of humanity mostly from how I kept shutting myself in. (The reason I don’t relate to it with Homare is that this “inhumanity” was never actually there even if Homare did believe in it. But for Guy he went the extra mile convincing himself to the point where he denied this humanity as far as possible in a self destructive way and :/).

SO YEAH Winter is like. Therapy for me. The problem with “Trauma: The Troupe” is that saying “I relate to the Winter troupe” means “I may have problems and so what.” And it sucks.

if you read that wordvomit, congratulation, was it worth it?

Take care!

#closes eyes and pretends i didn't just type all of that for azuma ANYWAY #bows down thank you for indulging in my fav passion of 'therapy via a3' the more we go #ichafantalks a3 #pandapillow #ichareply #also man Risky Game is going to absolutly murder me isn't it.

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parischangedher · 4 years ago

Text

fall into me, my love.

Summary: I rewrote the end of Housekeeping! In my world, Ray never calls, Ziva answers his question, they go to the bar and decide to stop wasting so much time. Closing one chapter and preparing to start anew.

AO3

Word Count: ~2.8K

Prompt: This is based on a post by the lovely @saraluvstiva! It’s a tad different from what you suggested (a little heavier than a casual convo), but it mostly aligns I think. Hope you enjoy!

@saraluvstiva imagined a scenario in which Ray never called, they went to the bar, reminisced about their growth and their relationship--“a sweet little time...both closing their previous chapters (or considering it) and looking to [possibly] the future chapter with each other.”

Hope was a dangerous thing.

There was a reason he never let himself think about her like that. Not seriously, anyway. And not in a very, very, very long time.

“I’m not talking about movies, Tony. I’m talking about you. She cares.”

He had reverted back to the standard old lines, then, and scoffed about how they were partners and teammates who had each other’s backs. Those lines were good. They protected him and their relationship. He told himself for years that anything else between them would be unthinkable. Inappropriate. Comical, even.

Yeah, right.

Her words, simple yet bold, took hold in his mind and wouldn’t let up.

They hit him when he was woefully unequipped to fend them off as he usually did. There was a crack in his armor, in the wall he built around himself to protect the both of them. It had been breaking slowly, really, ever since they brought her back from the dead in Somalia. It almost shattered completely after he was shot a few months ago and faced the prospect of dying without ever telling her. He was more fragile than ever these days, too, since falling out with EJ and painfully watching his partner hurt over another, undeserving man.

And so, when he heard EJ talk about her like that, the possibility of more seeped through the cracks and into his heart. It coaxed his feelings to the surface, fully awakening what he had known yet staunchly denied for years.

He loved her.

Admitting it to himself was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Give him a burning building, a terrorist, a raging gunman, or a bomb on a timer—fine—he could handle that. That was easy—relatively. But love? The old Anthony DiNozzo didn’t do love.

There was just something about her—the complex dichotomies of softness and strength, of love and hurt, of anger and loyalty—that fascinated him, pulling him to her like gravity. She was an enigma that only he seemed to truly understand; and damnit, he wanted to spend the rest of his life unlocking the key to her soul. She made him better, too—pushing him to open up and grow up, never taking his crap, molding him slowly into half the man she actually deserved.

Despite how hard she tried to hide it, he knew she had strong feelings for him too. He could see it in the way she looked at him when she thought he wasn’t paying attention—adoringly and longingly, as if imagining a world in which they could actually be something. He felt it in the way she stole soft and lingering touches, standing closer than necessary on an almost daily basis; and he heard it when she talked to him—sometimes concernedly, sometimes flirtatiously, sometimes even annoyedly, but always with love.

Denying how he felt about her was making less and less sense to him by the minute these days. He was filled with regret for wasted time and, still, fear of damaging their bond. But most of all, he was filled with a deep-seated ache for her. For all of her. And for the first time, the latter was starting to win.

Hearing EJ’s words was the final nail in the coffin, if he was honest with himself. They were validation that it wasn’t all in his head. They gave him hope—and with it, a touch of recklessness, encouraging him to ignore the fear for once and play with the fire that is Ziva David. It had been about seven years, after all. If not now, then when?

“Agent David. Do you really consider me to be…in your life?”

His eyes glistened with a mix of hope, boldness, and vulnerability. He watched her carefully as she processed his verbal challenge, seeing how she’d react—if she’d push them closer to the edge or rein him in.

She tilted her head ever so slightly, taken aback by his question. Instinctually, she opened her mouth to disarm the situation, as they usually did whenever the other got too close to the truth.

The look of adoration in his eyes made her pause, though. Ray’s communication and commitment issues served as a strong contrast to the man in front of her, who listened to and supported her whether or not she asked.

She was tired of waiting seven weeks for a man who claimed to love her, when the one she could not live without was standing right in front of her. She was tired of being treated like an afterthought. She was tired of it all. She was so tired, in fact, that she decided to cut the double entendres and answer him honestly. He deserved that, at the very least.

“I do.”

His smile grew brighter, then, and she couldn’t help but return it. He reached out and softly grazed her arm. It was fleeting, another test. A small thrill ran through her as she wondered what had gotten into him, and she raised her eyebrows in silent question.

“Let’s go get that drink.”

---

“Admit it. You never liked her,” Tony teased as he downed the last of his beer and gestured for another. They sat in a corner booth in a dimly lit bar that neither frequented. On some level, she hoped he chose it exactly for that reason—to make sure they weren’t interrupted by someone they knew, or to mark the beginning of…something. Of them. Maybe.

“Who?” she asked playfully.

“EJ,” he replied, calling her bluff by the look on his face.

“Oh. Her.”

“Yeah, her. You didn’t exactly welcome her with open arms. Quite the opposite, actually.”

“Let’s just say that I am glad she is gone.”

“Why?”

She hesitated briefly, contemplating, before she responded.

“She is not good enough for you.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Maybe she was right after all.”

“Right about what?”

Tony smiled a bit nervously and took another sip of his drink as Ziva waited, watching him closely with that look. He could just tell her about the movie aspect of the conversation. It wouldn’t be a lie, really, and it would keep them safely within their bounds. But he was sick of the games, of the walls. Plus, he was a little bit tipsy.

He decided to go for it. Throw it out into the open. Play with the fire.

“When we were at the safe house, she said that you care. About me.”

"Wow, such an astute observation by a brilliant, brilliant woman,” she said, rolling her eyes. Tony chuckled at her brashness, reminiscent of how she was when they first met. But he said nothing, wanting to hear her real response.

“Of course I do, Tony,” she said eventually with a soft smile on her face. “You are my partner.”

“Right,” he said, deflated.

“And sometimes,” she continued breathily, finally feeling the effects of her third drink. “You are even my friend.”

“Wow,” he said, cracking a smile and accepting her amended answer—for now. “I’m honored.”

“You should be.”

He laughed, and she did too.

And, he was.

“We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”

“We have indeed. It is a miracle, really, given how intimidated you were when we first met.”

“I was not!” he exclaimed, knowing full well that she was right. Not that he’d ever admit it. “If anyone was intimidated, it was you.”

“Tony,” she said amusedly. “I know you.”

“Yeah,” he said, looking deeply into her eyes. “I suppose you do.”

She shot him a genuine smile; a happy and peaceful look graced her features.

“Seriously though, Tony. I think we’ve both grown quite a bit.”

“We most certainly have,” he laughed. “Remember when you secretly tried Air Guitar?”

Her mouth dropped. “How did you know about that?!”

“When you uploaded it later that night, my computer saved a copy.”

“Oh, sure it did. Just like it autonomously saved those bikini photos, yes?”

“Exactly,” he replied, winking at her.

“You also posted your ass on that stupid website.”

“Yeah,” he admitted, cringing at the memory. “But, you rated it.”

“A 2.”

“A 5, if I remember correctly.”

“Only if you shaved.”

They laughed, enjoying their banter. She took another swing of her drink, reflecting on how far they’d come over the years—how close they’d gotten. When she had first arrived at NCIS, she thought he was a womanizing goofball, a hormonal teenager in an adult’s body—albeit, an attractive body. As the years went on, though, he snuck by her well-built defenses and managed to take up residence inside her heart. She still wasn’t quite sure how he did so, as no other man had been able to break into her life like that.

And now? After everything they had been through together, she was tired of pretending. She knew she loved him, and that he knew too. They basically admitted as much back in Africa—him to her face, and her to the journals she kept in her office. They’d been dancing around each other for years, backing away whenever someone got too close. Part of it was, of course, not wanting to jeopardize their partnership.

But truthfully, she knew that was bullshit.

She was scared. She was scared of losing him. Everyone she had ever loved up to this point died, sometimes even in her arms. He was the most important person in the world to her, and the thought of something happening to him because of her was almost too much to bear.

But then, something did happen to him. He almost died. And it had nothing to do with her.

She wasn’t even there to protect him.

That night had shaken her to the core; it forced her to question all the reasons she had been keeping him at arm’s length, never letting him in for more than a few blissful moments. She still tried to distance herself and make it work with Ray; but, she was reminded of her losing battle whenever she saw him looking at her like she was the only thing on Earth that mattered.

The fear of him dying without ever telling him the truth had finally eclipsed her fear of losing him.

She wanted to stop pretending, finally. She suspected he did too, based on their interactions today.

They just couldn't waste any more time.

“I have a question.”

“Shoot,” he answered. “Figuratively, of course.”

She giggled. Actually giggled. God, how he loved that sound.

“Of all the ones we have worked on together, what has been your favorite case?”

“Oh, tough one David,” he grinned.

“Really?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “We, uh…we make a good team. There have been a lot of good ones.”

“True,” she said, smiling softly.

“If you force my hand, though, I’d have to say Paris. It is a magical place,” he said with a flirtatious lilt in his voice and a knowing smirk.

“I should have guessed,” she replied. “I loved…Paris, too.”

He raised his eyebrows at her comment; she returned the gesture.

“And you?”

She bit her lip, debating whether she should tell him the truth. This was her chance. She was still scared, but she was also a little drunk by now, and hell, she honestly wanted him to know.

She wanted him to know everything.

“Well,” she began with a small smile on her face. “I liked them all. Or, most of them, like you. We make even the toughest cases enjoyable, when we work together.”

He smiled, opening his mouth to respond before she cut him off.

“But, to be perfectly honest with you,” she continued, boldly meeting his eyes. “My favorite was when we were under covers.”

"I think you mean undercover.”

She clucked her tongue playfully and softly touched his hand, drawing small circles and shaking her head. “No, I don’t think so.”

Tony’s eyes widened at her openly flirting with him as she smiled suggestively. He hadn’t seen this side of her, directed at him, in years. His mind was going a mile a minute trying to process it and what it meant for them. If it meant anything at all.

Taking one look at her eyes, though, he knew it meant something. It meant something big. Her eyes always spoke the truth—when it came to him, anyway.

She was pleased with herself. She managed to tell him while still giving him an out, if he wanted. She spoke their coded tongue.

Doing cartwheels in his head, he grinned back at her and boldly turned his hand over to take hold of hers, interlacing their fingers. He couldn’t even remember how long it had been since he wanted to do that.

He saw a flash of fear and surprise cross her eyes before being quickly replaced with something that could only be described as contentment.

“I wonder what it would be like if we did that again sometime. Went undercover, I mean,” he said, testing the waters with insinuations and metaphors just as she did. That was their language. If they were to even begin talking about the possibility of them, they both knew this was the easiest way to do it. At first, anyway.

She opened her mouth but said nothing at first, thinking of the best response. She felt the room’s temperature rise as he reciprocated her subtle advances and pushed her further.

She would not be outdone.

“I’d like that. We would be…good at it, too.”

He raised his eyebrows with a sly smile on his face.

“I don’t think your boyfriend would like that very much.”

“Ray? Oh, he is done. As soon as I talk to him, I am ending it.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

She looked at him more seriously now, with a hint of curiosity.

"He isn’t good enough for you.”

She smiled, touched by his admission.

This was it.

The dance was ending.

---

“You didn’t have to walk me home, Tony. I am fine.”

“I know you are,” he replied. “But, I’m a DiNozzo. We are gentlemen.”

She laughed, sarcastic comment on the tip of her tongue. She held it, though, not wanting to ruin the moment.

He pulled her a little closer, then. Her arm was tucked into his as they walked down the cold sidewalk, street glistening with the light of the stars and the snow flurries that started to fall.

“I had fun tonight.”

“Me too,” he said honestly.

As they approached her apartment, his heart raced faster. With EJ gone, Ray practically a done deal, their earlier conversations and the buzz in their systems, it seemed the perfect time to ask, if he was ever going to do so.

Would it ruin everything?

Or…would it be everything?

What the hell. He loved her.

He wiped his clammy hands on his coat and took the shot.

“I would, uh, like to do it again sometime. If you want. For…for real.”

She stopped walking and turned to face him, a silent question in her eyes.

His own tried desperately to answer.

Yes.

“After you break up with him.”

Understanding flashed across her face, to be quickly replaced with a dash of fear. He could see her wheels turning.

He could feel his own fear rising as he watched her. She saw it, though, and immediately softened her gaze, comforting him.

Placing a hand on his chest, she felt his heart race.

She smiled softly, making her choice. It was time to stop the game.

“I’d like that too.”

“Well then,” he said, letting out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “It’s a date.”

She leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, her other hand moving to his neck. His heart beat even faster as her touch lingered on his skin, leaving its mark. Claiming him.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

She held his gaze for a moment, delicately caressing his face before starting the ascent to her door.

“Ziva,” he said loudly.

She turned around to face him, at the top of the stairs now.

“Yes?”

“I’m happy you’re in my life, too.”

She nodded, smiling as she recalled their earlier conversation. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“Good night, Tony. Text me when you get home.”

“I will. Good night.”

She lingered a few moments more, staring into him before stepping inside.

In all of the years they spent working together, that was the first time she asked that of him. It wasn’t at all necessary—they both knew it—but it was loving. Another metaphor.

He could get used to this.

#tiva #tiva fanfiction #ncis #ziva david #anthony dinozzo #fanfiction #my fanfiction #saraluvstiva #i don't really know lol #not used to writing them non-canon #lol imagine that!#anyways #hope y'all like it #kristen says things

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uhpeach · 5 years ago

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oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess.

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss.

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates.. and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

#SORRY THIS IS SO MUCH AND IT'S NOT EVEN EVERYTHING

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whateverisbeautiful · 5 years ago

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Reveling in Richonne

#148: The Defender (9x07-9x12)

So before 9x14, there were more little notable tidbits here and there. Michonne had to defend her stance a lot and go through it. And even though she didn’t seem to have a whole lot of people behind her, I was on her side completely. I could see her perspective loud and clear so you know...

As for 9x07, I like that Siddiq seems to be one of Michonne’s closest confidants because he’s a really good person and because Carl’s the one who brought him to her. Grimes looking out for each other even after they depart.

Michonne has a moment in 9x07 where she tells Yumiko, “I know what it’s like. To worry about your family. To carry the burden of protecting them. To feel guilt when they suffer.” Everything Michonne is doing and has done is for her family, and not just her immediate family but for the larger community family they’ve built. She wants to do what’s best for all of them.

Yumiko says they’ll all be fine. And Michonne says, “Because you have to be. I would know.” And she reassures them they’ll find a home. That’s also something Michonne would know since she went from being a lone wolf type to truly finding her home and the family she was meant for.

We also learn that Maggie left without even saying anything to Michonne which is tough and strange. For some reason the two had a falling out that doesn’t ever quite get explicitly addressed .

Michonne tells Siddiq she kept her promise to Judith by getting that new group to Hilltop and so now she’s going to go home. And it’s sweet how all of this really was because she heard Judith out and wanted to honor her daughter’s wish.

Siddiq asks what about her promise to Carl and she says it’s not that simple. And it’s true, after everything she’s been through sometimes the rules change. Just like if Carl or Rick would’ve gone through that Jocelyn stuff they would’ve adjusted too.

Y’all, I don’t even want to address the uncalled for hostility Michonne’s met with when she pulls up to Hilltops gates in 9x08. 🙄 But I will say that Tara needed to turn that attitude all the way down cuz she had me watching like...

Michonne and Carol have a little exchange and get to talk about the kids which is nice. I’m glad someone acknowledged Michonne as a mother and not just the Head of Security like we’d been seeing. And it makes sense that Carol would be the one to do that.

I’ve alway wanted Carol and Michonne to have more scenes together since they’re both strong women who have gone through a lot of the same things. So I appreciate that in this moment they at least acknowledge the similarities in their journeys when Carol says, “You and me, we both lost children and we kept going.”

It’s deep cuz losing a child is the toughest thing to go through and they two of them have seen it happen many times and been personally affected from it. And yet years later these two are still standing cuz they have an immense strength within them.

(Side note: So the wigs…can we talk about it for a sec? 😬 For Michonne’s wig, I get the idea and I like the idea. But all I gotta say is they are lucky Danai can pull off anything cuz the execution of this wig was not always on point to say the least. Like the taping of the edges to start. 🤦🏽‍♀️ They are in Atlanta! Black hair capital. To have a wig like that...they could have done better. I’m just saying. But again, Danai makes it work cuz she just got it like that.👌 And for Carol’s wig, again the idea and the significance of the longer hair isn’t bad, but still that execution was not the move.🏽)

Later in this episode, Michonne says how she knows she didn’t make easy choices but, “at least they’re alive so they can hate me for it.” I’m still unclear as to what would make the others behave this way towards Michonne.

Even if she did cut places off, no one ever stopped and said hey I know Michonne used to have the most sound head on her shoulders of us all so maybe if she’s making a drastic decision there’s a valid reason for it.

People seem to know what Michonne went through, or at least the gist, but still gave no understanding. Michonne’s mantra now is that there’s a whole lot of broken world between the communities so they’ve gotta focus on taking care of their own. And yes would it be nice if they could all just be united? Definitely. That’s what she’d really want. But also right now Michonne’s at a point where she has to do what she has to do for her family, the same way Rick did.

Rick straight up kicked Carol out of their community in season four to protect his own, so drastic measures have been taken before for the sake of protecting your family.

Michonne really does feel like she’s looking out for the best interests of everyone if they stop traveling so much cuz it would keep everybody a bit safer. Not just Alexandria, everybody. When she tells Siddiq at least their alive to hate me it’s because she genuinely sees her decisions as having kept everybody alive. She didn’t cut things off to punish, dismiss, or divide. It was to protect and save.

So next, it’s interesting cuz my favorite part of 9x09 was in the “previously on” part lol.

Michonne’s voiceover does a briefing on the past and mentions everything that went down. And she says “We lost friends we loved…my true love.” And y’all, that alone took me out. 😭🙌🏽

I really loved hearing Michonne refer to Rick as her true love, even if it wasn’t within the show. Rick is her true love. It’s just the gospel truth. 💯

And then she says, “But even now, six years later, his hopes for the future live on.” And it’s so sweet cuz she says that over clips of Judith and RJ. They’re Richonne’s legacy. 😊👌🏽

So listen, during 9x09 Negan got out of his cell and if the goal is to redeem him, then having him immediately go into Michonne’s home at night and walk right into Judith’s room ain’t a great start. That’s so creepy and violating. 😖

But I do adore the precious drawing Judith has above her bed. It’s Rick, Michonne, Carl, RJ, and Judith. The royal family. And it says the truest statement ever on the top, “My family is always with me.” Amen, Judith. 😊🙌🏽

As Negan’s about to hop the gate, Judith stops him with a gun cuz she’s about that life. (Although whoever was supposed to be watching her, while Michonne was away, was def slacking.)

Then Negan and Judith have this whole little exchange and Judith is quite fearless.

Negan tells Judith, “You know when your mom and dad - when they locked me up, they told me that I was gonna be good for something.” And I just appreciate hearing Rick and Michonne be referred to as “mom and dad”.

And I like that he acknowledges the wonderland that Alexandria’s become. Despite Judith’s knack for making her own decisions she does at least know who’s boss when she tells him, “Rules are rules. My mom decides not me.” Which is nice to hear, even if she does let him go afterwards.

Michonne and Daryl also have their first convo post time jump and it’s nice to see them together.

(Side note: I knew they wouldn’t address it or show it but I was very curious as to how the conversation would go when Daryl explains to Michonne why Rick was even in that bridge situation in the first place. Cuz if it was up to Rick…he would’ve been at home with her that day. But Daryl, Maggie, and a fake friend horse unfortunately had other plans.😒)

Michonne tells Daryl that Judith found the new people and vouched for them so she does too and Daryl’s with it. In regards to Paul dying and them bringing him back to Hilltop for closure, Michonne then says, “It’s gonna mean a lot to them. Bringing him back. Burying him.” You know this speaks to her because she didn’t get that closure with getting to bury Rick.😔

Daryl knows too and sincerely says, “Sorry I couldn’t do that for you.” I appreciate him saying for her specifically, cuz of course he wanted to find Rick for him and everyone else too but he knows that it would have especially meant a lot to Michonne, cuz in losing Rick she lost her soul mate.

And Michonne looks at him and says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for both of us.” Cuz it’s true these two are the closest people to Rick. It’s his wife and brother and so it is sweet to see them have this moment of understanding more than anyone, what not finding Rick has felt like.

It’s nice that now Rick has a wife and best friend who still feel the weight of his loss six years later and keep his memory alive.

Michonne also thanks Daryl for trying to find Rick and “for after” cuz those two went through it big time in between this time jump.

When they’re confronted by Whisperers at the bridge, I love the shot of Michonne walking with two walkers behind her like her OG days in season three.

But what’s cooler is that, while the image is reflective of the past, this isn’t the same s3 Michonne. This Michonne has a whole family now and doesn’t just get her strength from the dead, she lives for the living. And slays for the living too.👌🏽

I’m glad Aaron is a real one for at least starting to understand where Michonne is coming from with why she feels these communities need to stay in their own lanes. There’s some sadistic people out there, with Alpha being top of the list, and they know that now.

I’m also here for Judith being a woman of her word. She said she’d shoot next time she sees Negan and that’s what she does. On site.👏🏽

Next time we see Michonne is in 9x12 and she’s confronting these deceptive Alexandrians about the radio stuff. She has to give them a dose of reality when she lets them know this sneaky stuff not only could get people killed, it already is getting people killed.

She tells them that putting themselves out there when they don’t have to is dangerous but Father G feels like cutting themselves off from their friends is dangerous too.

Aaron steps up and defends Michonne’s point of view because there are literally masked enemies out there now that confirm exactly what Michonne has been saying.

And Aaron speaks nothing but facts when he says, “We put Michonne in charge of security for a reason. Her judgement has saved us time and time again.” Thank you Aaron for that dose of solid truth. Louder for the people in the back. Michonne’s judgement stay saving lives. 👌

🏽Siddiq brings up the fair and that Michonne turned it down which upsets the people. But, after seeing how the fair went down, I’ll be honest, the petty in me was like…do 👏🏽y’all 👏 🏽see now 👏🏽that 👏🏽Michonne’s 👏🏽insctinct👏🏽 is 👏🏽always👏🏽 right!?

They’re lucky she’s not the “told you so” type because she knew the fair could be dangerous and leave them all vulnerable and well, exactly that happened. Yes Michonne is leading with an iron fist and I’m not saying she’s perfect, but they gotta at least understand that sis has a point. A lot of valid points, if you ask me.

It’s good Michonne is so levelheaded and mature too because a lesser person might’ve been like; you Alexandrians better listen to me...

In Michonne’s first exchange with Negan since the time jump, she shows up to his cell and wants answers as to how he got out and why he came back and what he was planning.

Negan really is still trying to talk all big like he’s in control and tells her how he was in her house and could’ve killed her and a lot of people but Michonne calls him right out and knows he came back cuz he knew there was nothing out there for him. It’s a read. 💯 This whole scene is a read from Michonne and I’m here for it. 😌

Negan again gets too personal when he tells her, “You’re keeping me in here to remind everyone how merciful the great Rick Grimes was.” Keep that name out your mouth, Negan. 😤

And then Negan really tries to offer to be some kind of sounding board for her which is low key insane lol.

I was a little shook that he’d even think Michonne would even consider an offer like that. Sounding board!? Ain’t nothing sound about that man. Being in that cell so long clearly has him not thinking straight.

When he refers to Michonne as the leader, she says she’s not but both Negan and I were like come on girl, you’s the leader. 😂

He mentions he knows she wrote up some constitution, and it was cuter when Rick referred to it as that. Just saying. And then Michonne sees Judith by the window and is surprised and I was like yes girl, your daughter is buddy-buddy with Negan and we need to nip that in the bud asap.

Michonne then confronts Judith at home. But first she watches as Rick and Michonne’s peaceful prince, RJ, sleeps. Precious. ☺️

Literally everytime they show RJ I just feel like we’ve won the best award. Whenever he’s on screen I’m just like...

Michonne asks why Judith was spying on her and Judith says she wasn’t, she went there to see Negan. Michonne is surprised to learn she’s been talking to him and so she asks why. Judith says she feels sorry for him and Michonne is adamant when she says, “He is not your friend, sweetheart.” It’s the truth.

And then Judith has the tween response of, “Well obviously.” Michonne asks, “So if he’s not your friend then why are you talking to him?” and Judith says, “He listens to me. Not everybody does.”

It’s interesting cuz so much of what a parent does can go unnoticed. Michonne listened to Judith with Connie and Co and personally escorted them to Hilltop to keep her promise to Judith. But sometimes when you’re a kid you don’t see that.

This moment between Michonne and Judith reminds me a bit of Rick and Carl’s exchanges in the past. And in both situations, even when they don’t see eye-to-eye, the love and care they have for each other is always so evident. It’s why they so fiercely protect each other.

Michonne tells her, “I don’t want you to ever go near him again.” And Judith asks why not so Michonne explains, “There’s a reason that he’s in a cage, Judith. He is a monster.” And I was like...

And then Judith gets passionate when she says, “No he’s not. He’s a human being.” Girl, if you were in that lineup you’d feel different. 😬 Pretty sure that’s a direct quote from Michonne’s mind. 😂

Michonne clarifies saying, “But he has done monstrous things. He’s killed people. People I cared about. People your dad cared about. And if we ever let him out it would start all over again.”

Judith counters with, “But mom, he did get out. He’s not like that anymore.” And Michonne says, “I get why you want to believe that. But people don’t really change.”

And then Judith responds with the deep statement, “You did.” This really resonates with Michonne. And I think this moment resonates with her for a lot of reasons.

Michonne has changed and evolved a lot over the seasons. Especially from a lone wolf to a valued family member. She also changed leadership styles after going through trauma. So she knows Judith has a point that she changed. And I think it hits her that Judith has noticed these changes within her.

You can tell it stirs up a lot in her so she pauses and tells Judith to go to her room. And Judith again has the tween response of, “Why?” and Michonne is just honest and says, “Cuz I need a minute.” It’s the healthiest approach to be honest like that and take some time to process all this.

Again, it’s tough cuz Michonne is expected to balance so much. She’s expected to be hands on as both the Head of Security/Leader and as a mother of two. It makes it difficult to have moments to breathe. So as weighted as she clearly feels in this moment, I’m glad she at least takes a moment to herself to process.

Michonne has a good heart and a balanced character, so she’s open to hearing people out. And we see that when she has a sweet moment with Aaron where she thanks him and Aaron again reiterates his understanding of where she’s coming from.

Because she’s willing to be a team player, she tells Aaron that she won’t veto the councils desire to go to the fair. She admits she thinks it’s a terrible idea (and she’s right) but she also cares to value their rights, plus it’s for the Kingdom, which she cares for.

Aaron says he hopes they don’t regret this and Michonne agrees and unfortunately they all will.

But at least this moment shows that Michonne is willing to do what the best leaders do which is take a step back every now and then and let people lead themselves.

As people pack up for the fair they stay on this shot of Michonne alone and sitting very contemplatively. And it’s tough seeing how much she has to endure alone when normally Rick would be right by her side.

It’s also tough cuz Michonne’s gut feelings are so right so often, so it can’t be easy to know that her people are willingly putting themselves at risk for something she knows will be a mess. But they lived and they learned…well most of them. 🙃

And that’s everything that goes down with Michonne and her family in the events leading up to the meaty Michonne episode we get in 9x14. It’s a tough one but also really significant so you know I’ll break it down. 👌🏽😭

gifs source: @michonnegrimes

#richonne #s9 #9.07 #9.08 #9.09 #9.12 #all hail the queen

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cubedcoffeecake · 6 years ago

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Fanfiction Writer’s Appreciation Day

When I saw some other people making posts screaming positivity into the void of Tumblr, I knew that I couldn’t rest until I had too.

I don’t have near as much time to read fanfic as I used to, and I can’t remember the last time I regularly read fics that were longer than drabbles. If I read a long fic now, it’s solely because I want to see more by the fic’s author, and I want to spam all of their works w love.

In fact, my entire involvement w the fandom community has changed a lot over this calendar year: I’ve begun to actually interact w other creators and fans in the community, and that has come to be the most important part of fanfic for me. I’ve always loved the content, that’s what brought me here, but I’ve stayed for the people I’ve met and friends I’ve made.

So! This is a fairly-inclusive list of a WHOLE BUNCH of authors that I love and why I love you. <3 <3 In the spirit of Fanfic Writers’ Appreciation Day, here we go!

There is no one I can start w besides my irl best friend @strangenscary. Hanged Man convinced me to get a Tumblr, first off--I wouldn’t know any of you guys if she hadn’t talked me into that. And she’s also the reason I read Harry Potter! And, beyond just being a fantastic friend, she writes really awesome Kpop drabbles (that you should 100% check out if you like Kpop fandoms).

Then, next in the chronological order, is @jbankai89. I found their fic I Will Save Myself while searching for really angsty fics and have kinda been along for most all of the ride? The fic just ended a week or so ago and I rec it wholeheartedly--it’s got one of the best journeys through mental health healing and learning how to work out a relationship of anything I’ve read. I’m really glad I got to follow along w it!

I made a personal resolution to start commenting on fics and interacting w other authors about halfway thru I Will Save Myself. It was this decision that gave me the courage to leap into HP’s corner of Tumblr this past May, and by asking into Drarry fests I met @lettersbyelise! Elise is a beautiful lovely human being and I’m really glad I know her now! She introduced me to the Drarry Discord, which is how I met most all of the rest of you guys I’m about to rec.

@drarrymylove... Jeni is absolutely fantastic. I actually did follow her and read all of her everything before joining the Discord, and I was over the moon to get to interact w her. I beta’d her Drizzle and was internally fangirling so hard I had to take a break and chill out. You’re a super cool and special person I’m really glad to have met!!

@xx-thedarklord-xx is a fandom giant for really good reason. All of Sam’s fics are literary gold. She beta’d a drabble for me a couple months ago and I was starstruck, remembering spending long nights binging all of her fics. The Flower War fic was the first one she wrote since I’ve been following her and it’s one of my absolute favorites. If you’ve never read her stuff go find her!

@aibidil I’ve never interacted w much but seems like the helpful Mother of the Discord. She swoops in to save the day all the time and I’m always amazed. Not to mention her fanfic is incredible.

@l0vegl0wsinthedark, @goldentruth813, @snortinglaughter, @erin-riwen, @lqtraintracks, @carpemermaid, @synonym-for-life, @violetclarity, @bixgirl1, @writcraft, @parkkate, @harryandhislittledragon, @foularcadebanana, spookywoods and tari_vilya are all really cool peeps I know but haven’t interacted w enough to tell you specific awesome things about them, but they’re all great too! And their fic!!! All of their fic is entirely worth your while to check out!!

@drarrytingz, @ladybraken, @yosoylaborinquena, @gnarf, @unicornsandphoenix, @restlessandordinary, @slythrns-heir, @maesterchill, @breathofmine and @ununquadius are all fantastic people I’ve met thru beta’ing. Either I beta’d for them or them for me. Betas are such a huge huge part of fanfiction and such important people to writers I wanted to give y’all you’re own paragraph, but a number of you I’ve also gone on to get to know some of the best out of all of my online peeps!

ununquadius, goodness, I always get super excited when I see that you’ve written something! Every time! And even more when I get to beta it! <3 <3 We have, like, an actual author-beta thing going on and I think that’s the absolute greatest.

drarrytingz, gnarf, yosoylaborinquena, y’all are so nice and supportive and I love seeing you guys in my dash!!

@slythrns-heir deserves more accolades than I can come up w--from beta’ing to just generally appreciating authors and fans SO MUCH and doing so much for us and the community--you’re an absolute gem. <3 <3

@call-me-hopelesss is an awesome writer and I’ve been slowly chipping away at their Ao3 works for several weeks now, but that’s not what I think is the coolest, most mind-blowing thing about them. They leave some of the best comments I’ve ever seen, and they leave them all over!! I remember reading thru HD Birthday Bash and being really touched by how they’d left a really thoughtful comment on every fic. That kind of support is amazing, and you just blow me away. <3

@doubleappled, @nifflers-n-nargles, @llap115, and @harryromper are really really cool mutuals who I’ve really noticed thru fests. I always get really excited to see them on an author list for an anon fest, or commenting, or anything! They’re all as awesome as their works, and you should totally go check them out too!

But all of these peeps have been Drarry Discord peeps!! A few weeks after joining over there, I also joined the Tomarry Discord. As much as I love my Drarry friends my awesome Tomarry friends are a lot louder and talk a LOT so I really kinda know them a bit better.

@mirandaflamel, my wonderful owl wife, all of my love to you and your beautiful stories. @kuffymik, you and Meb terrify me just a little and I occasionally flee from your convos, but your writing is fantastic and I love you too. Same goes to @lord-of-the-snakes, tho I actually think I’ve known you the longest and that you’ve staked a place at the very very bottom of the Tomarry pit, so everything I said to Mik tenfold, really. @nencenedril, you sometimes seem to be the sane one and sometimes surprise me with how unusually creative you are. You’re really cool. <3 @cybrid, I followed your fics way before I realized that was YOU, and then I squeed a lot. But! You’re a fantastic author and mod and I’m really happy you stick around and join in on our insanity. I send my love to all of the other lovely writers I know on the Tomarry Discord whose Tumblrs I don’t know. (A special thx on this special day to Itsy’s perseverance w all of us)

@batsutousai gets a paragraph. If you’ve never read anything by Bats, you really really should stop everything and go read some of Bats’ fic. Any of Bats’ fics. They’re all legendary and deserve odes to be sung to them. I’ve held it in for this long so I might as well reveal that I’ve actually genuinely been following Bats since 2015, way before I knew anything about Harry Potter, bc her Marvel fics are also fantastic. When I got into HP I remembered that she’d also written for that fandom and went and read all of her stuff and that’s genuinely how I fell into the Tomarrymort pit. (thx Bats.) SO yeah, again, go check her out!!!!

While we’re on Marvel, @veliseraptor is someone I don’t think I’ve ever had the guts to speak to, but she is an utter legend as well and is rather solely responsible for the Stoki ship. I’d suggest giving her works a try if you don’t mind being pulled into a new ship--bc I would bet money you can’t read Lise’s works without getting pulled into Stoki, they’re so good. Kudos to a fandom goddess over there.

Back to HP, @asexual-lovegood and @rose-grangerweasleyisbae are my two all time favorite Tumblr drabble writers, so if you can it’s totally worth it to check them out. All of their stuff is gold. All of it.

To close up my really really long Author Love post here, I present to you Lomonaaeren, @renderedreversed, and wynnbat, who I’ve also never spoken to but when I try to think of mind-blowing, I-can’t-put-this-down fics by people I don’t really know, these are the three authors that come to mind.

So! Lots of love to everyone! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Fandom community is brilliant and amazing and you awesome authors are a huge part of what makes us exist. Thank you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#text post #fanfic authors appreciation day #love you allllllll #so much

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stephhannes · 6 years ago

Text

if you love something, give it away

it all boils down to one quotable phrase: if you love something, give it away

i’ve been writing about nathan since i was 13, and this has been the hardest piece i’ve tried to write. as soon as nathan died, i knew that i wanted to have something special to publish on our anniversary. originally, that was a book of essays- i made a little headway on that, but grief made it hard to actually accomplish anything of substance. it took a lot just to try to get out one blog post a month. but now that i think about an entire book of essays- i think maybe that wouldn’t have been the right move.

here’s the thing: nathan and i have had a long and dramatic history, and when we started actually dating, i put a lot of our past stories in a vault. i threw out journals, i deleted old blog posts, i got rid of a lot of the bad stuff because it was unhealthy to hold onto it, to carry it into our relationship. we (obviously) both grew up a lot since we met when we were 11. thinking about all of the years of chasing each other and being terrible to each other was so detrimental to my mental health, and after (a decent amount of) therapy and just growing up in general, i got over it. there’s enough drama just in the month leading up to us getting together, that there’s really no need to focus on all of the drama from high school.

i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about if we would have ended up together if we had met in a different timeline. we were incredibly similar in the sense that our morals and general beliefs aligned, but the way that we interacted with the world and processed events and saw things were so incredibly different. our relationship was a dream, but was it so great because we were genuinely inherently compatible? or were we so compatible because we had grown up together?

but maybe that’s just how it works.

we stuck to each other because in abilene, we were the same. we were both too smart for our own good, we were both kind of arrogant about that fact. we were the only people who were like that so of course we gravitated toward each other. but if we had met in austin, or in new york somewhere down the line when we weren’t kids- would we have ended up together?

on the other hand, even though we initially were brought together by circumstance, we still spent time apart. i left abilene for college, we both dated other people, we both went through our respective garbage human undergrad phases- and we still came back to each other after all of that.

that was always the beauty of our relationship. we always came home. we always came back to each other.

i said goodbye to him so many times. junior year of high school, we kissed for the first time and we both read the situation completely differently. after that first kiss he was like “i’ve always wanted to do that,” and i was like “yeah, i know.” not trying to be dismissive, i was just so in shock and didn’t know how to use words. i left that day thinking “oh holy shit we’re finally going to be together, dope!” and he read it as “oh she’s definitely not interested.” we never discussed it, he just started dating someone else a couple of weeks later, and that was when i told myself i was never going to talk to him again. at that point, i’d spent a couple of years on the backburner in his life. it was this weird place because we were so insanely close- we were absolutely in love with each other, but he was always in another relationship. that was my last straw. i didn’t make a big deal out of it, i just quietly cut him out of my life. and surprisingly, i was thriving.

and then at the end of junior year, something terrible happened in his life. and i remember having a small moral dilemma of “i know that he needs me but also i told myself i’d never talk to him again and that’s actually been going pretty well for me,” but me, being the good friend that i am, took one for the team and texted him. “hey, i know we haven’t been the best of friends lately, but i love you and i’m here for you if you need anything.” to which he replied, “oh my god. you’re the one person i’ve wanted to talk to today. it’s my fault things have been bad between us. i’m so sorry.”

we saw each other a few times after that, but he dropped out of high school and went to college a year early after that event so for the most part- we lost touch.

my sophomore year of college, back in 2015, we reconnected. i texted him out of the blue after telling one of my friends all about our history and feeling inspired, was like “hey i miss you” and that weekend he came to austin to see me. and that weekend was so special. leading up to that point, we actually really hadn’t spent much time alone together. in high school i think we saw each other outside of class approximately three times, i visited his dorm once when he was in college, but other than that this was really our first time spending quality time together. i lived right near campus, which was a hell that weekend, because it was round-up, which meant the drunk frat stars were out in full force, but i showed him around campus, took him to my favorite thai place (where he ordered something that was so spicy it had the word ‘cry’ in the name) and fell asleep next to him for the first time. it was perfect.

and then after that weekend we didn’t talk again for eight months.

i saw him again when i was in abilene for thanksgiving. this was the first time i’d seen him since my dad died and i remember going to his apartment, drinking a bottle of moscato and just sobbing like a weirdo for 30 minutes at one point.

january 2016 was the first time i spent the night at his apartment, and then as patterns have shown, we didn’t talk for a few months after that.

spring break 2016 was when we became inseparable again. we were constantly texting, especially when he came to new york to commit to columbia. we were functionally in a relationship but without the actual commitment, which is the thing that i wanted. i was still trying to keep my distance emotionally at this point, partially because i knew that he was about to move and partially because by now, i’d found out that he had a girlfriend and i wasn’t about to play the “i’m in love with stephanie but i’m also going to have a girlfriend and put stephanie on the backburner sometimes” game again. i couldn’t do it.

and then i caught feelings and things got a lot more complicated.

by this point, nathan had already been like “blah blah blah i’m so in love with you” “blah blah blah you make me really happy” and for awhile i was just like “ok that’s cool my dude, but i’m not getting involved again” until i caved and was like “yeah shit, i’m in love with you again too.” i remember about a week before that convo, i was sitting in his room literally watching him fill out the columbia couples’ housing form for him and someone that was not me. i was falling right back into our same bullshit. in the middle of april 2016, he came to see me again, for the second time, in austin. he was sick that weekend so we mostly hung out around the house. and that weekend was great because i loved spending time with him, but i was also in the middle of a huge existential crisis. i knew that i deserved better than someone that saw me as second best. i deserved all of someone’s attention. as soon as he left, i texted him and said something that started the worst fight we’ve ever gotten into: “i’m sorry. i can’t do this anymore. we can’t keep doing this.” he texted me pretty shortly after that to ask what i meant, “like what about it? every time i get more than ten feet away from you you decide you don’t want me anymore.”

i elaborated to say, “i deserve more than someone i get to see once every few months. every time you leave it’s just another reminder that you’re not really mine and it’s not fair. i love you so god damn much and it’s so hard to have this weird quasi relationship.”

and at this point, i could tell he was hurt, he responded with, “you should have just told me to go home the second i showed up. you better be fucking sure this is what you want.” i wanted to backtrack and take back what i had said, but i knew that i had to keep my feet planted on this decision.

however, i did eventually say, “at least it finally felt like you chose me for once.”

and he responded with something that sounded nice in the moment, “of course i did, it’s more than that, i’ve always been at a point of destroying everything for you. every step i take with you makes it harder to leave. i did pick you, i love you. i picked you even though i knew it had to end and it would make things harder.”

but that wasn’t the point i was trying to make. technically, what he said was true, in that moment, he chose me, but he wasn’t ultimately choosing me, so i said, “you say that, but it’s not really true. i have always been and will probably continue to always be a second choice. that’s not really picking me.”

this is his response i think about the most, “i can’t do this. at least not until i’ve had time to think before i say anything. you better know that i care about you because i would never let anybody else make me feel like this. i don’t know if i want to cry or throw up. honest to god, you fucking broke me today. i wanted to be yours and you’ll never see it as more than being some side piece. if i wanted to be in abilene, i would have been there. i wanted to be in austin so i could be yours.”

finally, i left off with, “can you really blame me for feeling that way though? it’s not unjustified. i love you so fucking much and that’s why this is all so hard for me to deal with. i really did feel like you were finally mine. but at the end of the day, you have someone else that’s not me. i don’t have anyone else, and every time you leave, i never know if you’ll come back to me or not.”

after that, we took some time to cool off and didn’t talk for a few days. it felt terrible. i felt constantly nauseous. it was the week before finals and i couldn’t focus on anything. i remember sitting in a private study room in the library and sobbing while trying to write essays. that weekend, i drove to abilene because i knew that we needed to resolve this in person. we had vaguely resolved the issue over text over the course of that week, but things still didn’t feel great. we had talked about trying to be friends when he moved to nyc, but i knew that wasn’t realistic. i was planning on moving to LA and at one point he asked me if my job would ever bring me to new york, and if it did then could we hang out when i was in town. and yes, it would have, but that’s not what i want. i didn’t want to see him once every few years. i wanted to see him every day. it was all or nothing.

that week was the first time that i came face to face with the concept of losing nathan in a permanent way. if we didn’t resolve this, we would have never spoken again. i was in shock when nathan died, but i honestly don’t think anything compares to the absolute pain i was in that week.

at this point, i knew a few things to be true. 1) nathan was about to move to new york. 2) i didn’t want to lose him. 3) we were definitely very much in love with each other.

so i went to abilene and left that weekend giving him an ultimatum. “if you still want to be with me in a year, i swear to god i’ll fly to new york the second i graduate.” and when i gave that ultimatum, i expected this to happen: i expected him to move to new york with his girlfriend, forget that i exist, we both move on. but i think we both knew that that’s never what would happen. to my surprise, immediately after that, he broke up with his girlfriend. that was april 28th, 2016.

on april 30th, my roommate and i went to 6th street for my birthday and i got totally obliterated. i don’t remember much from that night other than a) i ended up trying to walk home from 6th street, got lost and ended up on I-35 and then was like “ok maybe i should call a car” and b) that every single time a dude tried to hit on me i played the “i have a boyfriend” card in the most obnoxious way. the second they tried to ask me about my life i would just be like “OK SO I’M MOVING TO NEW YORK AFTER I GRADUATE because my BOYFRIEND is getting his masters from COLUMBIA.…” i also remember at one point my roommate and i were talking to a pair of friends, and the guy i was talking to was getting a little bold and said, “ok so are we all going to go back to y’alls apartment?” and i was having none of it and responded, “well, us three (me, my friend, and the guy she was into) are going back, i don’t know where you’re gonna go…” anyways, shortly after that my roommate and i got into some weird drunk fight in the middle of 6th and went our separate ways to go home (which makes no sense because we live in the same home but whatever, i digress) when i made it home at like 3am, i immediately called nathan and told him about everything that had happened that night. then i passed out. the next morning i looked through my phone and saw we had talked for like 3 hours so of course i texted him and was like “uhhhh what did we talk about for three hours” and he was like “mostly you complained but also you kept calling me your boyfriend” and i was like oh dope.

and that’s how we officially ended up together.

things were a lot easier when we were together. it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders because i didn’t have to worry about how things were going to end up between us.

i remember texting one of my friends after we had gotten together to tell her i was moving to new york in a year and she was like “uhhh are you sure you wanna move in with someone so soon? especially because y’all are going to be long distance for most of that time?” and i was just like “yeah definitely, i’ve never been more sure of anything before.” there was never a question of “is this the right choice?” it was the only choice. it was the only choice that i wanted.

we waited until may 6th to tell people we were together. mostly because we wanted it to be just ours for a little bit, but also because i was going to be in abilene that day for his undergrad graduation and we wanted to be together when we did it.

+++

because nothing can truly ever be easy for us, we spent the first nine months of our relationship long distance. we got through it by daydreaming about what living together would be like, and how much we wanted to just be able to fall asleep together and like….our wedding… and stuff. when he left for new york, we both cried. it was tough. but it was going to be fine because we knew it would be the last time that we would have to say goodbye, finally.

+++

and technically, that was the last time that he had to say goodbye. which is probably for the best. nathan had this deep fear of losing me, so much so that he would have these nightmares of me dying where he’d wake up so incredibly upset. in the early stages of our relationship, he was so in shock that we were together, mostly because for once he wasn’t in a relationship with a garbage monster and he couldn’t fathom a stable, healthy relationship. for a little bit, he was convinced that everything was too good to be true and would inevitably end terribly. after a few months and a lot of reassurance, this stopped being an issue. nathan was dependent on me in a way that i wasn’t necessarily on him and this fact always made him so nervous. i’ve always been too independent, in a way that’s absolutely hindered my life and for the first time in nathan’s life he had someone that he could actually be vulnerable around and lean on.

i’ve talked about this before, but when we got together, i started actually taking care of myself. i started to look both ways before i crossed the street, i got more careful and mindful. and i think the reason that i did this is because it was impossible for me to imagine leaving him. the other day i was watching “after life” on netflix, and there’s this one quote that stuck with me- “i’d rather live missing him than for him to live missing me. that’s how much i love him.” every once and awhile i find myself in a train of thought, “how would nathan be adjusting if he was in my position,” and i think i know the answer to that. the answer is, not well. yes, my life is inconceivably worse since losing him, but i’ve also spent the last 24 years coping with tough shit on my own, i have the tools to move on. i’m not quite sure he would have fared as well, and thinking about him trying to do it makes my heart hurt so much. it’s a burden i’m willing to bear because i’d rather it be me than him.

re-adjusting since nathan’s died has been so hard. a couple of weeks before he died, we were driving to get cheesesteaks and on that drive, we talked about our 15 year plan. we were on the same page. we’d stay in philly for three years, (but maybe move further out into the suburbs after a year), and then consider relocating to a different office. we wanted to move around as much as possible. we would get married in the winter of 2019, the wedding would be in texas- we’d figured out who would be our groomsmen and bridesmaids. we’d get a cat first and then maybe get a dog if our schedules allowed it. we would pay off his student debt.

it was weird allowing myself to plan a future. that’s something i’ve never done before. i’ve truly been winging my life for the last 24 years.

having to rewrite that future has been hard. but i’ve been doing it. i’ve been moving forward because i have to- and there are some days where i am so hesitant to do it. there are some days where all i want to do is relive my favorite days, and i let myself have those days. there are some days where i am so desperate to feel close to him again. i read old texts, i sleep in one of his shirts that smells like him. there are some days where i’m so afraid of losing memories, of losing what we had. but it doesn’t consume my life any more in the way that it used to.

the other day i read something where a girl was talking about how she refused to move on after her husband died- her friends would describe her as “being in love with a ghost,” and as soon as i heard that, i knew that’s not who i wanted to become. that was the saddest thing i’d heard. i still love nathan, i always will, but i’m not in love with him anymore.

getting engaged means planning a life together, but the last year has been about learning how to build back my own life. i’ve had to ask myself, “what do i want?” rather than, “what do we want?” i never realized how we really did become a unit- i still find myself using “we” instead of “i” when i talk about things. i never imagined my life without nathan in it, that was always unfathomable to me, but now i’ve started to adjust to it.

there are times when i’ll ask myself “well, what would nathan want me to do in this situation?” and then i have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what he would do, he’s dead. this is my life. on a less harsh note, i do still hold onto all of the work we did trying to make me a better functioning person. one of my biggest problems is that i love to worry about things that i can’t change, so much so that it was really taking over my life. now when i find myself getting too worked up, i take a deep breath and ask myself “is there anything i can do to fix this? do i need to be this worried about this situation?” and if the answer is no, i let it go. i used to get so anxious right before bed, which may have been one of nathan’s least favorite things about me. i would hold onto everything bothering me, and then right before it was time to go to sleep i’d start trying to unpack it, and every time nathan would catch me as i started to spiral and force me to go to sleep instead of staying up all night freaking out. when i’m doing well, i try to enforce a strict bedtime. at 9pm i close my laptop, read for two hours, try to not think about things, fall asleep by midnight. the problem is, i’m very rarely doing well enough to keep up with that. but i try, and that’s all i can do.

+++

part of moving forward is having to remind myself of the things that i used to believe in. y’know, before i got blinded by being in love. a month after nathan died, i wrote this on my blog:

How do I navigate a new relationship with someone when I know that they will never know me as well as Nathan did? I can spend all day talking about who I was in high school, I can explain with detail every moment of my collegiate years, but no one will truly know who I was during those times because they weren’t there. Eventually, I’ll stand on two feet again, but how far can those feet carry me when the concrete underneath them is fractured beyond belief? Eventually, someone will walk beside me, but is it fair to them when I know that there will never be anyone that can compare to Nathan? There are like 8 billion people in the world and I would swipe left on every single one of them because they’re not Nathan. I was in relationships before Nathan, and they all ended for more or less that same reason, I was always waiting for something better, I was always waiting for Nathan to come around. I don’t see this problem getting any easier to navigate, especially now that we had been together for a few years.

but now, with a little more distance, and a little more clarity, i’m able to go back to my critical roots. like i talked about earlier, we were a product of our circumstances. so at some point in the future, i’ll inevitably find another circumstance. there’s this tim minchin song that’s like “and look, i’m not undervaluing what we’ve got when i say that given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of fate, it’s obtuse to deduce that i’ve found my soulmate at the age of seventeen / it’s just mathematically unlikely that at a university in perth i happen to stumble upon the one girl on earth specifically designed for me.” and that’s very similar to how i feel. what nathan and i had was dope, and loving him is my favorite thing i’ve ever done, but also it’s just statistically improbable that our relationship was the end all, be all. i definitely felt like that for awhile, and there are absolutely days where i’m like “oh i can’t believe i’ve lost the best thing that will ever happen to me,” but logically, i know things will work out. i think the issue is that i’m a taurus. i’m stubborn and i’m a creature of comfort. loving nathan was easy because we’d been doing it for twelve years. our relationship was familiar because we’d been confiding in each other since we were in middle school. for awhile, i think i got too wrapped up in the notion that “i can never find someone that knows me like he did,” but i forgot that at the beginning, we knew nothing about each other. there was a square one, i just forgot what it was like because it was so long ago.

+++

there was a period of time when i was having an emotional crisis because i got trapped in this mindset of “moving forward for me means moving on. everyone else gets to keep him in their life, that’s normal. but i’m expected to move on, have a new partner, leave him behind.” but then i realized, that’s absolutely not true. it’s possible to balance a new relationship while also not completely severing ties from the past. i realized this because i’ve been in this position before, but on the other side of things. add it to the list of things nathan and i have in common: we both have a dead partner. the loss that he had suffered back in high school wasn’t something that he ever let go of. it was something that was deeply ingrained in who he was, and was subsequently something that was always built into the patchwork of our relationship. the things that were important to him in our relationship were colored by his past trauma and i learned how to adapt to that- i learned how to take care of the things that he emotionally needed more help with. i let him feel the things he felt and i never made him feel bad for those emotions, even when sometimes those feelings hurt me.

so when it comes to me moving on, i still don’t exactly know how my trauma is going to manifest- but what i do know is that i have high standards for how i expect my partner to take care of me. i know that it takes a lot of sacrifices and a lot of compromise and a lot of effort to be with someone that’s suffered a loss like this- but i also know that i’m not willing to compromise on someone that can’t do that.

may 4th was always a bad day for him, and i knew that. in 2016, we were both in the middle of finals when that day rolled around. when he woke up on the 3rd, he had a terrible day. in the afternoon, i asked him how his day had been and he told me how upset he was. i told him to call me that night, we stayed on the phone until 5am, until he finally fell asleep. when he woke up on the 4th, he was feeling a lot better. later that day, he told me that me staying on the phone with him so he could calm down and go to sleep was the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for him. to me, it seemed obvious. of course i would do that. it’s such a low-effort thing that i knew would mean a lot.

my version of that was the way that nathan would put up with my terrible sleeping. when i was in college, i briefly dated someone who could not hang with the way that i wake up all the time in the middle of the night. it got to a point where he asked me to either just go home or sleep on the couch if i was spending the night because i kept waking him up and he was tired of it. after that, i was always super insecure about my sleeping patterns. when nathan and i were first dating, i would profusely apologize for being so annoying at night, but he never complained about it. he just got used to it and eventually would tell me that he was totally cool with me accidentally waking him up in the middle of the night because it gave him more time to cuddle with me at night. i’d usually fall asleep as the big spoon, and then we would separate once i was asleep. then i’d wake up at some point in the middle of the night, and so would he, and he’d turn over, put his arm around me, tell me that everything was okay, and then we’d go back to sleep. the tiniest gestures always meant so much to me. i think that’s one of the things that i’ll miss the most. his attention to detail was impeccable. he was never a grand gesture type of person, and that was okay, because superficially i think everyone wants those large gestures, but realistically, it’s the smaller things that mean more. like the time before he left for christmas vacation and he texted me to tell me that he’d bought chicken and left it in the freezer so i wouldn’t have to worry about grocery shopping because he knew that i was about to have to work a bunch of 12 hour days over the holidays. or the time that i had mentioned a candle that i really like very vaguely in passing, and then two years later he gave me that same candle for my birthday. or when he’d wake me up from my depression naps at an appropriate time so i’d still be able to sleep at night.

nathan’s memory was terrible when it came to remembering anything that happened prior to the year 2013, but sometimes he surprised me. like one day, he randomly texted me to ask “hey, you were wearing a pink shirt that first time we kissed, right?” to which i responded “it was coral but yeah” and he was like “shut up. those are the same thing” i actually couldn’t believe that he remembered that tiny detail. i felt the same way when he made a playlist for me right before we started dating. it was a mix of songs that reminded him of me, but there were two in particular that i was shocked to see. when we were in high school, on one of the three times we hung out outside of school there was one time that i remember his parents driving us back home after doing whatever it was that we were doing. we were sharing his headphones, listening to his ipod. in the duration of the drive- two songs played. of course i remembered which two played because i’m a psycho that remembers the tiniest things but when i saw those songs surface on the playlist, i couldn’t believe it. he really was good at remembering the smallest things.

+++

for awhile, i felt plagued by the fact that because of this situation, a lot of things immediately became clearer to me- i know that in the future i will be a better partner to someone that’s not nathan- and that concept is sometimes upsetting to me. after nathan died, i told myself that i wouldn’t keep falling into my old habits. i would fix my issues immediately. when you get engaged, you think that you have forever with someone, and i leaned too hard into that fact. i was trying to get better about the things that i was bad about, but i was doing it at this glacial pace. partially because i thought i had the time, and also because i knew nathan had the patience to put up with it. i was terrible at communication. i would play this game where i acted like everything was fine until nathan would realize that everything was not fine and then he’d have to sit and poke at me until i shared that i was feeling some sort of human emotion. in my head, i knew exactly what i wanted from him at all times, but for some reason i had this block where i wouldn’t just ask for it. he wasn’t a mindreader, but i treated him like he was, and even though it was infinitely frustrating, he would do it. the only thing nathan ever wanted to do was make my life better, and i refused to let him do it. part of me didn’t want to seem inconveniencing or like a burden- but i know that he would have been happier if i had let him help, and i know that my life would have been better if i had let him help. the week before he died, i finally reached out in a real way and i think he was so taken aback that he didn’t know how to react. it was the most progress i’d made. if i could go back in time, the only thing i would have changed is myself- i would have just forced myself to ask for help more often.

i’m still terrible at expressing emotions, talking about how i feel, in an interpersonal situation. writing about my feelings feels like a cop-out and that’s why it’s so easy for me to sit and be honest in a blog post. when you talk to someone one-on-one, they immediately react, they try to help, the focus is all on me. that makes me uncomfortable. sitting and throwing 6,000 words into the void is easy- there’s no face i have to watch react to me when i say i want to walk into traffic half of the time.

but i’ve been trying to not make everyone read my mind.

it’s hard realizing that nathan would have given me anything i wanted- if i had just asked for it. but now, moving forward i have to make myself comfortable with asking for what i want. i have to focus on taking what i need and not apologizing for it or being afraid.

+++

it’s almost been nine months since nathan died, which means this is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. april 30th would have been our three year anniversary and there’s nothing i wish that i could have had more than just spending the day with him.

when we first got together, nathan said to me, “i wish that we could have already been together for a few years but i still wouldn’t change how anything worked out.” i wish that we could have had 20 more years, but instead we had two and a half really incredible years and i wouldn’t trade that for anything. i was always so touched when he prioritized me over other things in his life. my plan was to always stand off to the side while he did what he wanted to do. when he was applying to phd programs, i knew that meant we probably wouldn’t see each other much for like five years, but i was willing to do that because all i ever wanted to do was support him and make sure he was able to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish. i always spent so much time compromising on my own happiness to ensure his- because i felt like he deserved it more than i did. i’d always known academia to be the most important thing in his life, yet he constantly kept me in mind- making sure i’d be ok with living in any of the places he was applying to. and yeah, i guess that’s what you’re supposed to do but it still meant so much to me. i think it was surprising to me because i knew that this was kind of uncharacteristic for him, he loves to avoid people. any opportunity he got to be alone, he would take. i remember once, he told me that the reason he started going to the gym so much was so he could avoid his girlfriend at that time. (this is the ONLY reason that i would work out with him when he asked me to go to the gym with him, because i knew he used to use that as an avoidance thing).

when he decided to not pursue a phd, i remember how relieved he was, which was surprising to me. but he came to this point where he was just like “look, i just want to be able to spend as much time as i can with you.” when we lived in philly, he worked from 7-3 instead of 9-5 just because it shaved a good chunk of time off of his commute home, and it also meant we were able to spend more time together when he got off of work. i am so thankful for the time we got together. for the second half of our year in new york, he only had class two days a week so we got to hang out all the time. some of my favorite memories from new york involve me getting home from work at 11, us going to the halal cart and then drinking and just talking until we went to bed at like 6am.

+++

when we first got together, i felt like i was dating way out of my league. nathan’s a genius, who’s good at literally everything he does- sports, music, the whole thing. i’m a goblin with an english degree. and then one day, nathan told me that he felt like i was out his league. which was shocking to me because i’m like community theatre and he’s like broadway (if we’re sticking with a sports theme though, i guess it’s like little league and the MLB or whatever). i always thought he said it just to be nice, but after time i realized that he genuinely meant it. he’d always verbally reassure me that he thought i was one of the funniest, smartest, kindest people he knows, but i found that hard to believe because he knows a lot of brilliant people. i realized he genuinely meant it because of the way he’d ask for my opinion on things. or when he’d ask me to proofread his papers. or on the off-chance when i’d let him read something i’d written and he’d be like “oh, you have a great voice.” he’s someone that only asks for help or advice from trusted sources. if he couldn’t find an answer himself, he was great at finding the most reputable person to ask, so it was always flattering when he considered me to be the most reputable source.

i think another thing that always took me aback was when i’d meet someone from his life and they’d be like “oh i’ve heard so much about you!” or when people would mention these incredibly kind things he’d say about me when i wasn’t in the room. it’s because i knew that he wasn’t someone who shared a lot with others, so knowing that he chose to genuinely share how he felt about me with other people meant a lot.

anyone that knows nathan knows that he loves to argue. he mostly loves it because he knows that he’s right and will just talk circles around anyone- but i never gave him the opportunity to talk circles around me. he was a great bullshitter, but i could always see right through it, which meant one of his greatest arguing tactics was null and void. i eventually learned that there were things i was knowledgeable about that he knew nothing about, and i definitely would try to skew debates toward those things because i loved to watch him squirm. i think he loved the challenge, and that’s why we had so much fun debating. he was so accustomed to being right that i reveled in when he was wrong. i also reveled in the opportunities i had to teach him things- for some reason, he had no common sense, so i’d spend time explaining things like “how to send mail,” and “why you can’t use dish soap to wash clothes.” sometimes he would be genuinely surprised when he’d learn how much i knew about certain topics, or when he’d make a reference and i knew exactly what he was talking about.

perhaps the most satisfying and/or frustrating example of a time when i was right but he refused to accept it was when we were planning our wedding. when we were having the first discussion about it after getting engaged, i brought up the fact that i didn’t necessarily care about having an actual wedding. neither of us are religious and there’s not any traditions that i’m particularly drawn to- in all honesty, a lot of wedding traditions kinda gross me out. also, i really hate being the center of attention and that’s the definition of a wedding. the only part that was vaguely important to me was our vows- but once again, i hate being the center of attention so my plan was to write a long letter that i would give to him before the wedding, and then have a less extensive speech to give in front of everyone. so when it came to what my ideal wedding looked like, i suggested we just elope. my issue wasn’t with having people there, i was totally down to invite our close family to a casual courthouse situation wherever we were living for the actual getting married part. and then a few months down the line having a reception in texas to celebrate with all of our friends and family. like, realistically we couldn’t afford a wedding, and it also wasn’t something incredibly important to me. but he refused to listen to my suggestion. people always talk about a bridezilla, but i was totally chill when it came to wedding planning- he was the one with all the opinions. he was like “no, we have to have a real wedding. i can name like 200 people off the top of my head that we’d have to invite.” so i was like….okay dude i’ll see what i can do. i started putting together spreadsheets with venues and prices and dates and every time i presented the data to him he’d be like “we can’t afford that!!!! what is this??? also i hate the hill country and we have to have the wedding in abilene” and i was just like YEAH I TOLD YOU. it’s almost like i knew what i was talking about the entire time. i suggested trying to pare down the guestlist but he was dead set on having every person he’d ever met in his life there so i tried to accommodate that. eventually i was so frustrated with him shooting down all of my options that we were at a stand-still for wedding planning. and then one day, in the lamp aisle of target he turned to me and said, “you know, i’ve been talking to some of my friends about wedding stuff and a lot of them are saying they wish they’d just eloped instead of doing a full wedding. would you maybe want to do that? we could just use the money we would have spent on a wedding for a honeymoon” WOW THANK YOU for just regurgitating my original idea, i’ll let you pretend that you came up with this if it means we’ve come to an agreement.

we were both so surprised that we never really actually fought. but we very rarely had conflicts, and when we did we were really good at navigating it. i can only remember one time once we had started dating where i was genuinely upset with him and it was the only time where i really lost my temper in an argument- mostly because he was absolutely in the wrong but refused to admit it. but even then, by the next morning, he apologized and we had resolved the issue. other than that, the closest we got to fighting was the time that i was on the phone with my mom and was yelling at her because she was stressing me out so much and then the next day our neighbor stopped nathan in the hall to ask if he was okay because he “heard you and your girl arguing” and nathan was just like “oh no we’re good, she was just on the phone with her mom” loving him was definitely a choice sometimes, but even when it was tough, it was always worth it.

all of this is to say that being with him made me a better person. the way that he believed in me made it more possible for me to believe in me. the way he prioritized me made me feel like i deserved to be a priority. the way that he challenged me made me less afraid to speak my mind and more willing to stand my ground. we left things in a really good place, and that’s been one of the greatest gifts to me. it’s hard having to leave a relationship at its peak, but it’s also comforting having no regrets.

+++

i see him everywhere, in the weirdest places. sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror, i think of him. when i went to work i would do my makeup one of three ways: no makeup on a bad day, filled in eyebrows and mascara on most days, and full glam on important days, and without fail, he’d always stop to tell me that i looked nice on the days when i’d do the eyebrows and mascara. it’s a very specific way that i would look, and when i see myself looking like that, i think of how much he loved when i looked like that. every time i see cilantro, or pickles, or spearmint gum all i can think of is how much he hated those things. when i see a cute gif of an animal, i think of the little sound he’d always make right before he turned his computer screen to show me whatever cute animal he’d seen on the internet. when i’m in my bedroom and i laugh too loudly at something, i think about all the times when he’d be working in the living room and i would laugh from another room and he would text me to tell me that i have a cute laugh. when i go to the grocery store, or the liquor store i remember the dumb way he’d refer to both of those places (the chicken store, the vodka store). when i see froot loops, i think of eating breakfast in his abilene apartment when he was in the middle of moving out. or like, sometimes when i’m particularly sweaty, i think about how he used to describe me as having a “moist personality” right before he died, i bought a pajama set from walmart that i was obsessed with and his reaction was “oh, so this is the new outfit i’m going to see you wear for eight days straight” and now every time i wear the pajama shirt as a real shirt in public, that’s all i can think about.

+++

it’s hard to accept that things are over, but i know that i served my purpose. we accomplished so much in those two years. i watched nathan grow into himself and regain a lot of the confidence he had lost since high school. i watched him go from being a high-school drop out to getting his masters from columbia. i watched him get excited about his future. i’ve been so invested in his happiness for the last thirteen years, and seeing him find that happiness has meant so much to me. at the end of the day, i think the point of marriage is to have someone there when you die, and being able to be there for him when he died was an honor and a privilege. here’s what i learned from our relationship: i know that i am the luckiest person in the world to have been chosen by him. being with nathan has made me a better person. because of everything we’ve been through, i know that i have all of the tools- the confidence, the stability, the coping mechanisms- to move forward. even though i lost nathan, i gained a sense of community with everyone from his life that’s now become a bigger part of mine and that’s pretty dope.

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flickernialler · 6 years ago

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NIALL HORAN HOUSTON SOUNDCHECK EXPERIENCE

Ok jotting this down real quick before I forget

So niall was so so so tiny???? He was wearing a white t shirt and navy & white striped shorts HE LOOKED SO GOOD I was literally drooling

He started off with on the loose

Then took off his sunglasses (!!!!) and did fire away

Then did finally free!!!! It was amazing live omfg

Then he moved on to q&a.. he talked about how today was bobby’s birthday but he thinks he missed it bc he woke up late bc he had a howler yesterday and then he made fun of us bc we didn’t know what a howler was (basically it’s just when ur day is a total shitshow) apparently he had to wait at the airport for like 8 hours yesterday bc his flight got delayed

He answered a couple questions

This is a jumbled mess bc I just jotted it down as I remembered stuff so it’s not at all in order I’m sorry

What song was the most fun to record or produce

Seeing blind the drummer brought in a huge case of percussion instruments and basically had empty cans that he would hit on the floor he talked about how they make things sound cool in production but in reality the guy was really banging cans on the ground and then he talked about how slow hands sounded totally different before it went trough production and someone was like let us listen to it and told him to plug it in to the mic or something and he was yeah right yeah great idea and then goes “cmon!! get with the times people!!!!” and then he was like or maybe paper houses

If you could only play one album by one artist for a year what would it be

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac or the album of Katy Perry’s that she had like 9 #1s on and then he was like hmm that’s giving me some ideas... not the whole album but maybe a couple of tunes

What’s the best way to approach you out in public

He asked what we wanted like where we shouldn’t approach him and he was like people love to do this thing at restaurants where they’ll be like “hey I know you’re eating but can we get a pic” and I’ll be like uhh I’m eating and they’re like “yeah but we’re leaving” like I’m the one that went up to them or something..... or like after an 11 hour flight

What was your favorite song to write

Flicker bc it was super quick it took like 25 minutes and it only took that long bc I went to the toilet twice... basically half a footie match bc I was watching footie while I wrote it

And then he made fun of how Americans call it soccer and he was like no American football isn’t football bc that’s your HAND!!! This is your foot you play football with your FOOT! And then he was like even Canadians know it’s football

Where is your favorite place to record

He just records like when he’s doing normal stuff and inspiration strikes him

The girl who’s question this was had a sign and he asked her to hold it up and it said like “I’ll trade you my special olympic medals for a hug” and he looked out at us and was like “think we can do that?” and so she walked up to the barricade and he jumped down off the stage and gave her a hug and she tried to give him her medals and he told her to keep them and he had like a whole convo with her and like the look on his face while he was talking to her literally had me tearing up bc you could just tell he was so genuinely invested in the conversation and then he gave her another hug and climbed back up on stage and answered her question

so before he got off stage we all yelled for him to say yeehaw and he couldn’t understand what we were saying for like a solid minute and then I guess someone up front told him and he literally like did the little thing where you make a fist and kinda swing your arm and said “YEEHAW!!!!” and i swear it was the CUTEST thing i died (i know i’m not describing the thing he did with his arm right but trust me it was adorable)

oh before he did finally free his guitar tech brought him out a new guitar (he used a different one for each of the three songs he soundchecked) and someone asked him how many guitars he had and he was like uhhhh well you know like i have to have similar ones in case one breaks or something so i have like a back up until the other one is fixed so i think i have about 8 or 9 maybe and then he looked over at jake and asked him how many guitars he had and jake just puts up 3 fingers lmao and niall goes well yeah but he’s got all those pedals that can make his 3 sound like a ton of different guitars!!! and then jake goes “10” and niall was like what and jakes like “you have 10 guitars on this tour” lmaooo and niall was like well i guess i’m just a guitar man

he was literally so adorable like my heart was bursting the entire time

he replace the citc cover with finally free and i died like yassss thank u niall

also maren was SO frickin cuteeee like just absolutely precious and she sounded amazing live

it was seriously such a great day/night

i love niall

#niall in houston #fwt #fwt houston #soundcheck experience #y’all soundcheck was so worth it #i literally wanna cry bc i miss niall so much and it hasnt even been 24 hours #i love that man so much #if i knew how to do a read more i would do it #im sorry #long post

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aloneatl4st · 3 years ago

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Touch Starvation

Hello friends.

I would like to tell a story. A story about the last real romantic interaction i experienced that has left me feeling kind of empty.

I was 16 at the time, just before i started 10th grade (so around September of 2020).I used to hang out with a close childhood friend of mine amd her friend. Lets call her Jess and him Mark for reference.

I was outside woth Jess and Mark and we were aty citys most known mall, outside sitting on the grass of the big park it had.

I had been told we were waiting for a friend of Marks that was moving into our city to study. Lets call this friend Robert.

Time passes and Robert arrives. A soon as he approaches us i kind of feels like hes definitely not straight but me and jess were jokingly fighting over him behind his back as he was in front of us with Mark talking about random stuff.

Skipping a day of random stuff I actually find out he is bisexual after i tell him im gay (i do not remember the context but it wasnt in any way relationship related, we were just being ourselves). I remember him asking of me to not actually tell anyone because we were hanging out with another girl and another person. Tgese 2 people along with Mark were moderately homophobic, but I was never really afraid to tell them I am gay, however i did say i wont tell anyone.

Some time passes and we end up in a little park woth a very large and round swing where he sets himself beside me and we... just kind of talk. He actually ends up talking about how he feels used by all the men hes been with and when I ask him where does he find the men in question he answers Grindr. I tell him that he shouldn't expect smth good out of Grindr but i dont have the most convincing talent so he kinda just brushes it off.

At that point it was safe to say that i liked him. Robert would hook up with random men just attempting to get an actual relationship but it was just a waste of time.

More time passes and our whole group of friends ends up being outside at 1 AM somewhere close to my home, and it was really chilly outside. I only brought a flimsy jacket with me but i was s h i v e r i n g.

A few friends were just sitting on the bench, including Jess, Mark and Robert. One of the homophobic girls i mentioned earlier was snuggled up to Robert and he was just kind of existing, he had a hoodie on.

Needless to say, I was jealous LOL so I pretended to be very cold and to refuse Robert's advice of "also snuggling up to him". But i gave in, I'm just kind of petty looool.

It is kind of pathetic to say it out loud like this but that was the first time i ever got that close to a man in terms of being hugged/hugging back. Since im vocal enough about being gay my male classmates really just keeo their fair distance from me and hugging ig just isnt a "man" thing. My birthday is during Christmas too so i cant get birthday hugs at school.

I also have no male friends either so yea that was the first time i got a good cuddle from a man.

It felt... warm. I was close to crying in that moment because he had his arm wrapped around my neck as i was snuggling into his right shoulder/right side of his chest, as the other girl was on his left. I have always been touch starved but after that night when i had to let go of Robert... i felt seriously empty

He was 19 and secretly taken so nothing would've worked out, but i found out too late and an emotional bond was already formed.

I asked him to meet me at the top of the outside stairs of the park where there was a fountain. I was planning on confessing, even if i knew about our age cap. All i knew was that i missed that warmth he provided for me in that one moment. Half way through the confession i chicken out and instead of saying "I like you" i said "i liked you".

he laughs.

not in a "lmao how could i like you lol". More like a "oh haha thats crazyy". So i kept on with the convo and told him that i needed to look at some stuff through the mall and he said he wants to tag along.

After that day i had found out that he was actually growing sick of the friend group and he was just overall being a mess and mean for no reason.

He was basically excluded from our friend grouo6and i havent heard of him ever since.

I hate him for how mean he became for no apparent reason. But i miss his touch. I miss his warmth.

I want to feel the warmth of a man once again. Just once, since to that moment i have never been ina relationships with someone, even to today i have always been single.

Touch Starvation is a cute book trope I guess, but i genuinely do not wish it on anyone. It has left me feeling dead constantly and like the obky priority for me should be romantic love, not achievements, education of stronger friendship bonds.

#mlm textpost #mlm #mlm concept #gay story #nblm textpost #nblm #queer love #queer blog #story time

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you-are-worth-the-wait · 4 years ago

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so...i leave my work tomorrow at 1400 to head over to the main hospital to get my shot. any chance i get to swing by your place just to see you, talk to you, hug you, kiss you, pleasure you, or all of the above? *ws* truth hidden within a joke. i asked if i could get it then because tomorrow is my “friday”. we are off on thurs and fri. so i could swing by on christmas eve and we could have lunch at sonics :P or i could get you a sushi roll. but you had a sushi bake not too long ago. animal style fries from in and out and then maybe we could do it like they do on the discovery channel? it would be interesting what our dynamic would be if we did meet up. i am extremely curious as to what i could see/read when looking into your eyes. wonder what it would be like to see a genuine smile on your face. i know meeting up with you would be bittersweet but i still would take even a fleeting moment over what i/we have now.

that rich uncle/relative came over tonight...he’s against trump. it was so funny to watch silently as he bashed trump...and my dad wasn’t his usual argumentative self. it was fun to watch as he and my mom bit their tongue and my mom joined in in stating her views and why she thought what trump was doing was not good. my uncle said how there was no voter fraud and the only way that we could move forward was to get trump out of the white house. it was amusing to me. and after he left, i asked my dad about his views on trump now and he went back to being his outspoken self. me, being the person who can’t help but tease/push someone when they are fired up, i put forth questions and scenarios in order to see what he would say. so we first started with the fact that i said that trump lost so he should just step aside. my dad countered that he was cheated, there was a scandal, and of course you are going to lose in that situation. i then said that is doesn’t matter at this point. during every election or even in regular life, shyt happens. sports games are lost by blown calls, people get promoted over others who are more deserving of the position, shyt happens. trump doesn’t have to agree with it but he has to accept that a loss is a loss. it may be unfair but life is unfair like that sometimes. he then said but that not the same. this is the US. i then asked what makes him and his power of position more right than what people deal with on a regular basis in life. shyt happens and unfortunately this was at a larger scale, but that doesn’t make what happens in his life any more important than what happens in a persons life. then he brought in china and asked me “do you know what china is doing?” i asked him, “what is china doing?” he said, “see, you don’t even know.” i said, “i’m actually asking you to tell me, what is china doing?” he then went on about how china is a second world country and they are going to over take the US and how trump is stopping them from doing so. he explained how everything here in the US is made by china and the reason is because china makes the products cheaper and we rely on them and that was how they were going to take over the US. he then asked me if that was what i wanted. did i want to live in a country that was run by china? is that what i want? me being me and for the sake of keeping the conversation going, i said, “if a second world country is able to take over a first world country, don’t you think that that’s just good on their part? if they are able to do so, wouldn’t that prove that they aren’t a second world country if they are able to take over and control a first world country. wouldn’t that mean that they are superior to the US and if the US can’t even stop them from taking us over, isn’t that just our fault for not being able to stop that?” then he said, “we should stop talking before i get mad because i am older than you, i know more, and that means you don’t know what you are talking about.” you know me. i wasn’t angry or mad. i was actually having fun. it was entertaining to me. but when he brought out the age/wisdom card in order to trump the convo, i really wanted to fire back about the fact that that may be true about with age comes experience but that’s not to say that for that reason, that my “limited” knowledge and experience automatically qualifies me as unable to measure up in a conversation about a certain subject. but i figured he did have the presence of mind to explain that he wanted to stop to the convo before it got too heated, albeit he did throw a little backhand into my face with that comment. i was in this convo just to be in the convo but i wasn’t in it to instigate, start a fight, or push him to mess with his psyche like i would other people and situations. so i let it drop and after my parents ate dinner, i eventually told him that i was sorry and that i didn’t mean to make him angry. i was never really concerned about the outcome to begin with. i just wanted to know what he thought about trump now. of course i was smiling as i said this since it was a genuine apology but to also let him know that the convo wasn’t a hot topic as it was/is for him.

so yeah...that was part of my night.

i don’t know when you sent those last messages and my phone didn’t notify me about them. it wasn’t until i was about to go to sleep that i saw it. but yeah...you know how much i love your body and how honored and appreciative of the trust and freedom you allow me to have with it. it’s an intoxicating feeling of power and desire that you allow me to do what you let me do and i think that’s why at a certain point, i can’t fully allow myself to “express my joy” unless you are aware of it happening so you to can “participate in the joy”...*lol* it’s something that i would want to talk to you about though since there are a lot of things i want to do and experience with you. in due time. i will leave you with this thought/image...the temporary moments of time with you blankly staring at me but not fully being aware of things because i’ve taken you to and past a point where you no longer have complete control. sooo...you open to wanting to meet up with me tomorrow or christmas eve? i’ll bring you food :P

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engagedtobefree · 7 years ago

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Phase 8: Mixed Signals, Mixed Feelings

Tuesday - I decide last minute that I’m going to greet Scott in the morning, just not at my usual spot at the printer. Instead, I make some coffee around the time he usually comes in, this way he won’t even know I’m there till he rounds the corner. I am trying to gauge his reaction. He sees me and says, “Hey, Dana. Good Morning.” All I say in return is a quiet “Hey.” His face and the way he greeted me, I detected some guilt. Not a whole lot, but it was definitely there.

I don’t see Scott again till he heads off to lunch. I’m stapling stuff at the printer when he comes out of his office. I look up at him and he raises his eyebrows up quickly two times with a smirk on his face. I feel sad looking at him, and I give him just the tiniest smile. I know I must look sad though. This interaction was very confusing. I don’t know what he was trying to say. Was he saying it’s okay for us to still flirt at work? Was he saying he’s still interested in me, despite having a wife, and wants to continue what we had going on? Was he trying to say this is just harmless flirting and that it’s okay to continue? Is he trying to manipulate me so that he can continue getting attention or so he’s able to take this further?

Wednesday - I do my hair and make up really nice today, as I now do about 1 or 2 days a week. I’m at the printer when Scott comes in. I turn and look back, but he’s still a bit far back down the hallway, so I don’t say anything. As he gets closer, I turn around and I can see that he’s slowed down almost to a stop, and it seems as if he can’t believe I’m standing there waiting for him. I say, “Hey, Scott” and he says, “Hey, what’s up, Dana?” He still says it with much less enthusiasm than he used to, but I can guarantee I’m throwing him for a loop right now. I had been sad the past two days, and now I’m acting almost as I did before, greeting him, but just not with a glowing face and enthusiasm that he caused in me before.

My plan for today (and going forward) is to make my presence known still all the time, but just not give Scott the attention I once gave him.

I am right outside my cubicle talking to Greg and Steve, and at one point while I’m facing Steve - and thus also facing Scott’s office - Scott comes in from the warehouse door, which is right next to his office door. He comes in slowly, and the whole time he stares at me, even as he’s going into his office. I lock eyes with him at first but then I make my eyes go out of focus without me intending to, but I guess maybe as a self-defense mechanism. So he is out of focus, but I can still see he is directly staring at me. I thought I saw him wink, but I’m not positive he does. Other than that, his face is neutral as it’s been the other times he’s just flat-out stared me down.

At one point during the day when I’m at the filing cabinet, Scott comes downstairs from making tea at the upstairs machine. I am facing that way when he comes down and we look at each other. Before, he would have taken the opportunity to come my way, but instead he takes the other hallway back to his office. At another point during the day, I’m going into my cubicle from making tea and I see Scott, who is wearing bright red, coming up the hall from the bathroom, but I don’t look at him. I only see him in my peripheral vision.

I decide to do a lot of filing today, so I am back and forth past Scott’s office. He keeps turning around to talk to Steve and Chris, but I don’t look to see if he’s looking at me. At one point thought when I walk by, Scott does look at me, and this time the guilt on his face is plain as day. There’s no misreading it. Does he feel bad for stringing me along? Or does he feel bad that I’m upset by this and that I expected more, when those weren’t his intentions? Or does he feel bad that we can’t continue? So many questions I have about what his intentions have been this whole time, but I just don’t know.

Thursday - Scott didn’t come in today since I know he went to the Eagles parade (per my convo with Steve and Greg yesterday). So today was just a day to do a lot of thinking.

I am still questioning Scott’s intentions. Did he see this as harmless flirting at work? I can’t imagine he could have, as we’ve both been getting more aggressive in our pursuit. If you put his wife into any scenario between Scott and I, there’s no doubt she would not be okay with what she saw. As I’ve mentioned several times, Scott has always showed an interest in me, though he never actually acted on anything until I did. Is he unhappy in his marriage? Does he love his wife? Is it really a “beautiful love story” like someone posted on Facebook? Is his wife a lucky woman, or is has she been deceived? Was he planning on cheating on her? Is he merely having a mid-life crisis? We have the same name (still sour about this lol), so when he says Dana to her, is he ever thinking of me? What if he really just enjoyed the attention and wasn’t going to make any moves? But if he wasn’t going to try anything, why initiate talking to me? Does he genuinely like me, or is he just using me? Is Scott genuine and a good guy, or is he really just a secret scumbag? He helped me build up this false image of him, and now I’m going back and looking at our conversations differently. Is he even worth any sort of interaction at all? Scott most definitely intentionally left out mentioning his wife and he acted very much single around me. Does this mean he’s untrustworthy, or did he just not want to let me know because he was afraid it would mess with what he thought was innocent fun? I have so many questions, and in all honesty, I won’t get an answer unless I just flat-out ask Scott what the hell is going on and what his intentions are/have been. I can’t stop thinking about last Friday and how he was glowing and radiating so much just watching me walk by his office. There is no way to even fake that. He saw me and it made him light up from within. I can’t be sure what about me caused that though. Does he really, truly feel something for me and is happy to see me, or is it a there’s-the-girl-who-really-likes-me sort of thing where I’m just appealing to his ego?

I also wonder where I want to go from here. Yesterday’s plan of flaunting myself just doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I don’t feel vengeful or anything, and a part of me wants to continue what we had going on. I mean, I’m single, so I don’t feel bad for flirting, even if I do know he’s married. It’s not like I’m going to make any moves now that I know he’s unavailable. And whatever he does on his end is on him. I mean, yeah, it was definitely inappropriate for a married man, but at the same time, he never made any moves on me or anything and I can’t assume that his intentions were to take this further because I have no proof of that. So at the end of the day, I decide that I will still show some interest in him and see how he responds and what happens. I have no ill-intentions here, but I feel like this is my best route for the time being.

Friday - I greet Scott in the morning and he greets me back. Not how it was before still, but still the best it’s been all week. I baked cookies last night and brought them in today. I wait till about an hour after I come in to put them out, and I let a few people know. Then I go into Scott’s office doorway and let the guys know I brought cookies in. Scott is on the phone, and while I’m talking to Steve he turns and looks at me, and then turns back. It happened quick and I was talking, so I didn’t see his expression. I don’t even know if he heard I brought cookies. I’m not too worried about it though.

At the end of my lunch, I wipe out my bowl so that it’s easier to clean later when I’m home, and so I walk by Scott’s office. He is turned toward his left, stretching, and then turns toward his right, so he’s sees me as I’m walking by. I half want him to and half don’t want him too, but it doesn’t matter because he sees me. I have a small smile on my face. He looks surprised to see me, like he can’t believe I’m still walking by his office. I mean, it’s not like I never did before, because I always have since I started here, just never looked in his office as I passed until I started pursuing him. Right now, I’m clearly looking at him.

Toward the end of the day I have to take an order into the warehouse. There’s a woman from upstairs who comes down every once and a while and talks to the 3 guys in the office. She is ending their conversation, but then forgot about one last thing. This is good, because it means Scott will be turned in his chair facing his doorway, so he will see me go into the warehouse. I take the order quickly out, then take my time coming back, just in case the woman is still talking. I’m hoping she’s gone this way I can try to get a moment with Scott without anyone noticing. When I come in, she’s still in there and Scott is sitting in his chair facing the doorway, smiling. I steal a glance at him with a slight smile on my face. Oh, my heart. I look at him and I’m just done. I’m done. I know this is not good, to be pinning after a married man so badly, but I can’t help it. He might not even be a decent man, honestly, but just something about him sets my heart and soul on fire. It’s not even like he’s a great-looking guy, but just something about him is so gorgeous to me to where I find him physically attractive in addition to the other ways he appeals to me.

At the end of the day, I’m coming out of the women’s room and the men’s room door is just closing. I have a really good feeling it’s Scott, so I print 2 things and leave them sitting for about 2 minutes till I hear the bathroom door open. I go to the printer and turn around, and Scott is beaming. I start to go into my cubicle, lean back, and exclaim, “Hey, Scott!” just how I would before. It’s not even intentionally enthusiastic, it honestly just comes out that way. I’m sure I look happy to see him. I wish I could talk to him. I go into my cubicle and then come back out to see him turn down the hallway instead of into his office. I go to Joyce’s cubicle and talk for like 5-10 minutes. In my peripheral vision, I see Scott go into his office, and it seems like he turned his head to look at me. I can’t tell whether he’s holding tea or not, so I don’t know if he went upstairs to make tea or if he went to go talk to someone. It looked like his arms were hanging down and swinging though, so I don’t think he made tea. I don’t turn and look at him, as it’s not a good moment in my conversation to do that. At the end of the day, there is one cookie left, broken, but still very much appealing. I want to offer it to Scott, since he’s in his office by himself now, but I sigh and know I should offer it to Pete or Joyce first. I know where my loyalties lie first. Joyce wants it, so I let her have it.

As I leave, I’m leaning into my passenger seat putting my stuff down when Scott comes out. As I start to pop up, I can see he has his hand up in a good bye, and he leaves it like that for a few seconds. When I shut the door and walk around my car I wave and say, “Bye, Scott” as I normally would.

I don’t know where I’m going from here. I don’t know where Scott is going to go from here. We work together and it’s hard to avoid him now that I seem to have set off some sort of chain reaction in the universe where we always bump into each other, whereas my first 6-7 months of working here we rarely did. I have no idea where this is going to go. My mind is racing in 100 different directions. We could keep this as casual flirting and live our lives separately. We could become friends. We could lose interest in each other. We could have an affair. We could just be co-workers who say hi every now and then. I don’t know. I just don’t. Anything is possible. Despite my strong moral compass and my fierce determination to cling to my values, anything is possible. I know it sounds terrible if you think about the affair possibility, but how can I really know what’s going to happen? What if he makes a move and I just can’t say no? For the time being, all I really want to do is continue what we were doing (minus giving him as much attention as before) and see if I can somehow in some way figure out what exactly Scott’s intentions are, and then take it from there in whichever way I want. I thought this would have been easy to make a decision after finding out whether he’s married or not. It should be. It should be simple: He’s married, cut off all contact. But it’s not that simple. Life is complicated and messy, and the only way to clean up the messiness of it is to dive right in and get to work.

#scott #personal

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letscuttothefeeling · 5 years ago

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season three episode seven

Welcome to the best episode of the season, brought to you by Clear Blue, the Mile-High Club, and Amazon Sunglasses. BOOP! Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing like sweating out a hangover! I love watching Juliette and Kelsey work out while I’m sitting on my couch eating cereal for no reason at 8 PM. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. The friends start discussing the previous night at White Buffalo Saloon. After Alex and Juliette had that emotional convo outside and she left, they ended up talking on the phone for SIX HOURS. Six hours! I just want to know where Alyssa was while Romeo was telling Juliette he still loved her over the course of 360 minutes. Shout out to Kelsey for being a good friend and telling Juliette that Alex is “a bag of dog shit. On fire.”

The face your best friend makes when you confess that you’re talking to your ex.

The only thing I hate more than lying is longboarding. And Amanda is guilty of both. Though she and Brandon may be moving fast on their weirdly oversized/emo skateboards, their relationship is slowing to a halt. Brandon starts quizzing Amanda about where she disappeared to last night, and she looks genuinely offended that he had the audacity to question her. Why is it that whenever people are guilty, they get so defensive? Any sociologists out there to give me their two cents? (Shout out Alex, for confusing psychology with sociology in episode five. Never change. <3)

This scene is already annoying me because Boring Robby, Jake, and Joe are setting up for the “Rebella” party. Number one, I thought we were done with Boring Robby – get off of my screen – and number two, as much as it pains me, I have to agree with Alex on one thing. Rebella looks like a complete and utter scam. And if I wasn’t so distracted by the beads covering Joe’s face, I’d report this to the Better Business Bureau as a potential money laundering cover-up. As Robby wonders if Juliette will show up, we cut to Juliette and Kelsey’s house. Kelsey, excited to get to the party to see her boss/love interest Jake, convinces Juliette to go. Nothing like showing up to your ex-boyfriend’s party two days after breaking up with him.

Why do people insist upon having tough convos over coffee in this show? First Juliette and her boss, then Robby and Amanda, and now this. As Madisson sits down with Chloe to grab lattes, things get serious quickly. Madisson is having a pregnancy scare! After tearfully confiding in Chloe, Madisson works up the nerve to get a test and Facetimes Dad “Baby” Ish to see the results. I’m sorry, but if my girlfriend randomly Facetimed me at work crying about potentially being with child, I’d be a little more emotive than Ish, who was apathetic about the whole situation. (Clearly, there’s a reason he was behind the camera and not in front of it.) After Madisson finally puts us all out of our misery and checks the test, we discover that she is not, in fact, carrying Ish’s spawn. Shocker! But now she’s forced to think about the reality of dating Old Man Ish since he’s an old man. Does she need to have kids sooner now since her boyfriend is practically in the grave? My head is spinning, I can’t think about this right now. Hopefully, that’s the only unwanted pregnancy of the season!

The Rebella party is in full swing, but instead of showing us the party, the producers have decided to show us forty-seven flashbacks, yet again. Can we please stop with those? They happen eight times an episode and eat up precious airtime. Like we KNOW what happened in the last episode, thanks. As Juliette and Boring Robby ignore each other, and Jake and Kelsey discuss their budding potential relationship, we get to see a glimpse of former cast member Carson! Who is now known to us as “Brandon’s friend.” Usually, the producers will bring on random people and then just never speak of them again, (shoutout Canvas, Tawni, Madisson’s sister, Pauly Paul, Ben, now VICTORIA, and many more) but this time, we get to see one. It’s kind of like seeing a ghost. Hi, Carson! You’re a brunette now! How are you doing? Where did you go? Are you okay?

With no time for childish nonsense, Alex and Chloe are hammering out business details at the Crescent Club. While making a specialty mojito, Chloe sees a video of Juliette at the Rebella party. And once Alex hears she’s there, it’s game over. He becomes genuinely enraged and immediately fires off a text to Robby. Normally I would find his reaction hilarious since it proves that he’s desperately jealous, but the text he sent contains a screenshot of Juliette confessing her love to him earlier in the day, which is just embarrassing. Boring Robby, now would be a good time to start chanting inspirational quotes while you foam at the mouth and seize, you’re going to need them.

Earth-shattering. That’s how I would describe Boring Robby’s reaction to the texts from Alex. It’s reminiscent of that scene in Stephanie Meyer’s third novel in the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, when Bella accidentally lets it slip while ditching school with Jacob that she plans to become a vampire upon graduation. Jacob is shell-shocked. Although he knew this was looming, he had no idea it was happening so soon. I mean, not only would this break the treaty – remember, the Cullen clan is banned from not only killing, but also BITING any human – but this is also the girl who Jacob presumes to be the love of his life!! (Even though he hasn’t imprinted on her.) Before this show, I could only imagine his exact face when he found out Bella was going to become a filthy bloodsucker. (His words, not mine.) He even said he’d rather she be dead! Luckily, Robby’s face at this moment is all I need to visualize Jacob’s. After the soul-crushing texts, Robby runs up to Juliette to confront her. He accuses her of faking the entire relationship, then tries to prove it by asking Juliette to name her favorite moment or memory from their relationship. After Boring Robby waits in silence for a few seconds, Juliette responds, “SEX ON A PLANE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?” Icon!

For the record, I know Jacob’s face during that shocking scene was portrayed by Taylor Lautner in the cinematic masterpiece Eclipse, but as a self-proclaimed Twilight expert, I felt that this real-life moment of Robby Hayes actually paid homage to Jacob’s raw emotion more accurately.

Back at the Kompothecras mansion, Alyssa, Gary, Alex, and Alex’s nameless mother are drinking at 10 AM. I stand by my hypothesis that Alyssa is trying to replace Alex’s mom and bang Gary. I can think of no other logical explanation as to why she keeps thudding around Alex’s parent’s house without a bra on. It’s funny that she has time to paint on a full face of makeup, but no time to cover her nipples. As they sit down for drinks, Alyssa immediately starts talking about how Juliette is trying to “weasel her way back in” and that “she needs to back off.” What’s that? Juliette, the girl who has dated Alex for 3+ years is trying to “weasel her way back in”? That’s great, coming from the girl who got pregnant after three months of NOT EVEN DATING ALEX. No yeah, um, that’s just, great. Good insight, Alyssa.

Since Alex was abroad for his birthday, he’s decided to throw a party for Jared. Even though I’m a little mad that Alex didn’t throw his annual banger, this party provided us with a lot of content, so I’m not going to pursue a lawsuit with Gary. Earlier in the episode, we learned that Jared is a divorcé! That’s right, when Jared was in the navy, he was married to someone and got divorced after a year. Young love. Even though he’s having a fun birthday party by the beach with all of his friends, he’s fixated on getting a call from his ex-wife. Finally, she calls and we learn that she’s coming to town next week. Interesting! As they hung up, they said “I love you” to each other, and then Jared got really emotional. Also interesting! We’ll learn more next week. Stay tuned!

As Alex and Alyssa hang all over each other, you can see Juliette seething behind her Chloe’s sunglasses. She decides to go confront Alex against literally everyone’s advice, and I’m already cringing. Juliette marches up to Alex and starts trying to get him to admit, on camera, that he said he still loved her over the phone. Alex blatantly denies it (even though it’s definitely true,) and then up comes Alyssa. She immediately starts berating Juliette, saying that she’s “crazy” and “false.” I’m just laughing at how naïve Alyssa is. Poor girl. She will soon become all too aware of what a manipulative liar Alex is. Okay, “manipulative liar” is a bit of an overstatement. That makes him sound intelligent. He’s just an asshole. Either way, I’m violently triggered by the idea of my liar ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend calling me psychotic and laughing in my face. So when Juliette pushes Alex in the pool and pulls down Alyssa’s bathing suit after Alyssa throws a drink at her, I’m not mad about it! As a final touch, Juliette hurls Chloe’s now crumpled sunglasses back at her, then, as everyone is trying to escort her away from the pool, she tugs down Alyssa’s bathing suit yet again, adding a final, “boop!” Pure class. Team Juliette for life. See you on the Key next week!

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survivor-iceland · 5 years ago

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Ep. 2 - “I will not be a little tea pot this time” - Ellie

dylan r

OKAY! New game! I’m excited to start! I’m just kinda trying my best to socialize, I’m horrible at talking to other people, my plan early is usually to just win tribals and form small connections with people

Although I flopped SO HARD during that challenge it’s unbelievable I literally tried that for hours & I couldn’t do it like literally

Not much else, I’m just kinda vibing.

Jack

So Ellie totally spilled that she's gonna send stuff to our tribe so i'm telling my tribe that. I think raffy is gonna do the same. Also im thinking everyone on one so that we mess with them.

Jack

My audio is going crazy and cutting out and im like AM I BEING SPOKEN TO????!?!?

Jack

I'm chatting with maynor and stephen and thats going good. but also Raffy is cool but imma try to put some false ideas about the cookie game on him

Raffy

There was one hinky vote for me which tells me that people think I am push-y and a leader on this tribe which is not ok. I mean I want to win challenges, but I don't want to be seen as aggressive. However, I guess I cannot help it. I need to get into an alliance soon. Otherwise, I'll find myself not within a majority. I guess my social game isn't strong enough so I need to rely on my strategic game.

Keith John

Well, its been about three days since the game began, It's going okay for me. We won Immunity so game talk has been on the low. The time difference really screwed me over, I wasn't part of the latest immunity challenge discussion. Even though I wouldn't have contributed much in that convo, Having no input or talk during such moments puts me on the back foot (socially). The saving grace is that I was able to connect to four others through one on one convos. That has helped me built a sort of majority alliance, But as a thumb rule of survivor, unless we don't through a vote together. U cant trust anyone. Hopefully, it sticks and I am able to get through the first few votes. I don't know why but I keep getting a feeling that maybe John and Cormac are telling me what I wanna hear and make me feel comfortable. I hope that isn't true and the alliance is genuine. Cause I feel I really get along with them and can really work with them for a long time. I think both of them are awesome. The only other person I trust is Zoe, we just connected quick. Sierra though in my alliance I haven't yet had a strong one on one conversation with her. let's see what's in store in the coming days

Jack

Were planning to fuck with the other tribe by sending a spy to seed some accidental plan spillage. John’s a smart cookie. MaynorJay. I am slightly sad you split me and Timmy up. The cast reveal and seeing Timmy in that tribe i was like :0. But you did make it one world so i could still talk game with him 😊. Plus i missed being hosted by you. ❤️

John

this plan i concocted could either be really good or really bad. all we gotta do is throw the other side off their scent. but can we do it and make it believable? i guess we will find out tonight.

Ellie

Cookies is chaotic: more detail coming later

Jack

I took a risk for the idol hunt that might cost me my vote at the next tribal. I'm both regretting this decision and thinking it'll probably maybe be worth it...?

John

ok my plan dissolved like an alka seltzer. that’s fun. we love that. i just hope we win at this point. if we lose, that’s going to make things quite interesting.

Ellie

K so lack of communication has officially reached another level, this would be easier if people spoke???? Even Joseph did and he had finals!!!!! Some people have time to try to get on my good side and strategize but not to fucking talk about the challenge???? Some of yall👀👀

Sierra

Sitting out of this challenge was agonizing! I couldn’t be a part of any of the strategy talk for the challenge itself... so I had little to no clue what to expect as I watched. I really don’t want to go to Tribal Council, either. I’m hoping that we can pull out a win and I won’t have to stir the pot and potentially show my cards alliance-wise this early in the game.

Dylan C

I haven't been talking to people enough today and should probably do some of that. Well, I certainly will if we go to tribal but I'm hoping we don't

Jack

Cromac and I chatted for a bit and agreed on a sort of alliance, so that's a thing. Other than that I have fingers crossed for us winning this challenge!

Sierra

So we lost immunity, and I’m PISSED. We fully expected Keith to get 60 cookies from our tribe alone, but he only ended up with 55. That means that somebody on our tribe did not play into the tribe’s strategy. Now my butt could be on the line and I didn’t even have a chance to play in the immunity challenge! I feel relatively safe with my alliance, but anything could happen between now and tribal. Here’s hoping my five stick together!

Timmy

We won!! There was strategy used on the tribe but also people just tried to take control of what everyone else was doing. Like if they try to do that for the challenge they’ll try to do that for votes and that’s not how I’m trying to roll. It kind of sucks that the people I want to work with are on the other tribe. I want to message jack bc they seem chill based on the call last night after tribal. Also there is no way I’ll get an idol bc these slide puzzles are ridiculous.

Sierra

Right now it looks like the votes will be heading towards Stephen. I really like him and think he could be a good ally... but the numbers are against him right now, and that makes it difficult to save him. I don’t want to sink my game attempting to save his... so it looks like Stephen will be the first one voted off of our tribe. I’ll really miss having another literature lover on the tribe, and I’ll miss having some intercontinental diversity, but I’d rather save my own neck right now.

Maynor

So I am now in an alliance with Cormac, Zoe, Sierra, and John. And it is called Maynor’s lovers for some reason. But it now got changed to Maynor’s Angels. 👀 jay came to my host chat and was like ___ is shook. And i died as well. So far the target seems like it might be Stephen that was brought up by John. But we still have until tomorrow so who knows. As long as im safe that is all that matters.

John

hi. i’m john, i’m 20 years old, and i’m absolutely worried stephen has an idol. he just...doesn’t connect. and it puts me on edge. so i want the vote to be somewhat split. we need to put the majority of them on stephen, but have one or two of us worms put down someone else’s name just in case stephen pulls out an idol. no matter what, us 4 (me, cormac, sierra, and zoe) need to get through this vote so we have the majority.

Jack

WOW. Okay so Cormac and I a pretty tight rn. Plan is to vote either Maynor or Stephen. Cormac is closer with Zoe, who i haven'y heard from much. Sierra and I have had some banter with Sierra and opened up private channels with them. Imma check that they're good with Stephen or Maynor, and which they'd prefer.

Jack

Sierra seems to want to keep Maynor around more than Stephen while I'm feeling the other way. I'm down with either so hopefully things work out.

Dylan C

https://cnet2.cbsistatic.com/img/tcQaSg5LL_0-HBuWFPxpguK71TM=/1092x0/2019/06/06/b11ccfac-685e-4cb2-a239-b09af07b1baf/toriflynn2.jpg

Jack

IDOLS EXSIST. And hopefully Stephen and maynor dont have any

Jack

I MADE A DUMB CRAZY PLAN. Like I said to the others it basically, we make a chat with Stephen, tell him heyyyyy lets vote Maynor, then go and actually vote Stephen. I feel a little bit evil but also i totally get the reason blindsides are so popular. I FEEL LIKE A SPY!

Dylan C

I love you, Jay

Jack

The trap has been set, hopefully Stephen falls for the it and nothing goes to shit. And also that Cormac's not pulling a con on me. I doubt he is but pArAnOiA.

Jack

STEPHEN RESPONDED AND HE SEEMS DOWN WITH VOTING MAYNOR AND BELIEVES CORMAC AND ME AND I CHATTED WITH JOHN AND HES DOWN WITH VOTING STEPHEN BUT O MY GOD IM SO NERVOUS. sorry bout the caps lock, I feel like it was needed to covey my FEELiNGS

Jack

All the gears are locked in. Everyone's voting Stephen; Stephen seems to be on board with voting Maynor; Maynor will hopefully stick with going for Stephen; and Keith will maybe hopefully I hope go with what me and Cormac are going for.

That started off so confident and turned into "Hm maybe I'm not sure I hope"

John

ok so here’s the tea sisters. our original target was stephen. he’s more reserved, kinda quiet, but he’s going after less active players (ironic, right), and apparently he is targeting keith. so if an idol is played, it might be him. so the worms are talking to jack and trying to get him to come on board for our plan. jack goes into complete paranoia mode between all of us, and we’re concerned he’s a flight risk. so the vote is shifting to jack. being erratic is more dangerous in this game than silence is.

John

lmao if this blindside on jack completely backfires and i go to EOE, i’d actually scream over how much work is going into it. this is so messy and complex for literally day 4 of this game that it perplexes me. it’s either gonna be 4/3/1 or 5/2/1, i’m not sure yet. but strap in folks, we’re experiencing turbulence. the plane may be going down.

Jack

Other than Keith everyone's locked in to vote for Stephen, even Maynor. Me and Stephen chatted and he complimented me saying that i don't seem like a new player cause I'm so comfortable in chat and I'm here like "hahahah yeah so weird not like in acting all calm and collected at you so you don't know I'm voting for you." I do feel a bit bad voting out Stephen now that I've got a better vibe on him, and I've been leaving little hints of "sorry for voting you out" and "hope you come back from the edge" at him, but doing them as me saying "Oh I feel so bad for voting out Maynor" so that I don't blow my cover but yeah. Here's all my guilt dude ^

Joseph Collins

We got an immunity win which was nice. Apparently Malarkey (Melrakki) played with some type of strategy. And Ulfur went coocoo for coco puffs and won. So I’m happy about that. Putting a plan in motion to get some threats out soon. Need a really good numbers advantage first.

Zoe

GOD okay wow this is so much. We lost the immunity challenge, which is funny because I said that I was pretty confident we were going to win. I'm not concerned about being sent home, I'm almost positive Cormac would tell me if he knew, and I have good relationships with people in my tribe. And very good news: Well, after literally teaching myself how to do a slide puzzle, wrestling with the god-host herself over reference images and website dysfunctionality, I finally reached the end of the idol hunt and located a very beautiful advantage, which is to call a blind vote and then see what people vote even though nobody else can. I read it a few times and then facetimed with Cormac to tell him the good news, and we agreed we would keep it until swap or merge and use it to see where peoples' loyalties lie. We discussed all of our options, our relationships with different people, and who we want to keep close until later. I have a good relationship with Timmy and Maynor, and I think Dylan C as well, so that will come in handy when we swap and after the merge. We also solidified an alliance with us and Keith. FUCKING MEANWHILE, over in tribe Machievelli, the "oh, worm?" alliance has gone absolutely nuts strategizing over this vote. Jack has made everyone very paranoid by asking every person in the tribe who they were voting for. He had never messaged me individually before, and then just popped up and said he wanted to make sure I was voting for Stephen, which is who "oh, worm?" was originally going to vote for. I think it was Cormac who brought it up because Jack keeps info-dumping all of his thoughts onto him, but we all agreed to vote for Jack. Cormac and I discussed how to tell each person, one of those resulting in a final three deal with Keith, entitled "Zoe and the boys" as well as a yet to be titled final four alliance with me, Cormac, John, and Keith, yet to be named, that neither John nor Keith know about. Ultimately we said that we'd check back in in the morning and determine if anything had blown up overnight with Jack, since he seems to be very paranoid.

Jack

MWAHAHAAHHA Stephen believes out plan to vote maynoris genuine but it is a TRICK. Hope he doesn't hate me tho, seems like a nice guy. Those read receipts are just real sus being off man. but he tots believes me, Cormac, and Sierra.

Zoe

It's been more of a quiet morning, though we are all tense about what is going to happen at tribal. We don't think there is anything crazy happening with Jack, and ultimately we aren't telling Stephen about the plan in case he ends up telling a person he isn't supposed to. It should turn out to be a 6-1-1 vote, hopefully none of those going to me. I want to play a low key game here: I want to be making the decisions with Cormac, making tight alliances with other players, and then having them go out and do the dirty work. John seems like a good guy and a good player, and I also feel like he thinks he's the leader of our little group. It's definitely in our best interest to stay tight with him, but we have to be wary of him making alliances on the other side as well.

Maynor

I’m so fucken nervous and I swear if im voted out second. Ugh. Jack can go home. Like i did nothing to you and you just decide to come for me for no reason? Like wow. Jacks the target and I hope the people ive been talking to and aligned with are telling me the truth cuz it would totally suck if they are lying to me. There is really no reason to take me out who is active instead of jack who isnt active and just barely coming on. Fuuuuuuck me. Im be paranoid the whole fucken day arent I.

Stephen

So this tribe is kinda dull, so theyve chosen a dull vote. Maynor. I like maynor but he has been a little silent. The big question is: is there a majority alliance out there? The answer is yes, of course there is, there always is. I make my survivor career on not being in majority alliance then tearing them apart when the tea gets spilled. See: Tashirojima.

Jack

Made a bit of a conection with Ellie from the other tribe, and she seems pretty open to working together if we make it to the merge or if theres a tibe swap

Raffy

I am happy that we do not have to go to tribal. It allows me to be more social with people on my tribe without the threat of a vote looming over our heads.

Justin

This round was a lot more chill. Mostly cuz we won immunity, but I'm still keeping my relations with everyone good. I realized this round that Cormac, whom I have been talking to since last round, is on the other tribe lol. Luckily, I didn't tell him any compromising information, and now I have a connection to the other tribe. Plus, Keith from the other tribe reached out to me and we had a really good conversation. I like him a lot and I see myself working with him in a swap or merge. He is from Pakistan so he is also in the eastern hemisphere as well as Stephen. So, I was thinking I could possibly make an Old World alliance because we are closer to each other in times. However, Cormac has told me that his tribe is most likely voting out Stephen so that won't work out. I would say the only alliance I have so far is with Cormac, so I need to make something official with a player in my tribe before other people get them. Specifically, I want to ask Timmy to be in an alliance.

Maynor

Today has been really quiet. I really hope the people telling me im good are telling the truth. I hope my connections are strong enough to let me survive this first round. Im so nervous and ugh i hate this feeling. Id be extremely sad if I go over an inactive.

Raffy

Truly. Honestly. I'm so lazy. I don't want to do the idol hunt lmao

Jack

I can't remember if i already did a confessional about this but in case i didn't: Ellie and i chatted a bit and she seems open to working together later in the game and Cormac seems down with that plan too. Idk if i cant /trust/ Raffy but he also seems cool too

Ellie

So I feel like Raffy is a tiny bit annoyed with me sometimes cause I do share a lot, but I will not be a little tea pot this time. Raffy and I talk strategy all the time and he’s my closest ally but it honestly feels like I barely know him while my other close ally, Dylan, I have bonded with a lot and know a lot about them while still strategizing with them. It’s weird but I’m not going to push. He told me to stop talking about past games, and I’m like ? If I don’t mention you we’ll be chill

Ellie

Also we bonded with jack 👀

Maynor

Tonight, i may be leaving. Ill just be really sad. Mad at first cuz i tried my hardest in first immunity and then someone decides to mess up in the 2nd if by accident or on purpose. Mostly ill be sad cuz i wont be able to play with Timmy. I finally got to retalking with dylan and really miss them. Mostly ill be sad cuz let jay down for giving me a 3rd chance after my performance in rotuma. Ily Jay. Hopefully i stay. ❤️❤️❤️

Dylan C

I have to choose whether or not to do a part of the idol hunt where if I do it, I risk losing my vote at the next tribal I attend, and if I don't do it then I start the idol hunt over. Heck. I'll probably do it tbh.

Maynor messaged me a few minutes ago to say that he thinks he's getting voted out tonight, and that he enjoyed talking to me again. I don't want to see him go, in part bc I wanted to try to ally with him at some point and also just because I like him. Also I don't know what's going on on the other tribe but? Y'all are gonna vote out the guy who held a cup over his head for over two hours for your tribe? Smh

Jack

I really like Dylan C's vibe. Imma PM them later some more and see if that's a thing

Sierra

The vote switched when Jack started getting paranoid — his name wasn’t even coming up until he started asking everyone if they were SURE that they were down with the plan. It felt really awkward to have to reiterate over and over again that we were on his side... and it made it difficult to believe that HE was really with US. I’m really grateful that Stephen gets to stay around for another few days!

Dylan R

Ok so I did all of the puzzles for the idol hunt & then I FLOPPED on the challenge so: I have my clown outfit on.

I’m trying to make friends but it’s hard 🥺 I think if we go to tribal Joseph will go before be but I got some serious catch up to do if I wanna win

John

i know keith was originally our fifth, but i’m kinda wanting to work with maynor the more i talk to him. i want a fifth that will side with me if needed. and idk if keith could be that fifth that would benefit ME. it’s also just a thought. not tied to the idea yet. stay tuned kids.

cormac marek

Alrighty very eventful times leading up to our first tribal. I have been involved in like 13 alliance chats. Me and Zoe had an hour call last night on how she found an advantage to be kept between the two of us. It was amazing! Keith seems on board for anything. He has a "as long as its not me" gameplay. The core worm alliance was going to vote out Stephen but switched it to Jack after he became insane. It was sad because we were going to include Jack in on the deals. Maynor was told that Jack was gunning for him so that's a vote for Chaos Kass. If all goes smooth it will be unanimous. Stephen asked me right before tribal and I told him Jack was gunning for him and that majority was going for him. Hopefully this means he will be with us. It is really tricky. Let's see how the blood rolls

Joseph Collins

Patiently waiting on next immunityyyyyyy.

Timmy

Jack is trying to get maynor out...so jack can go.

0 notes

sebastianshaw · 3 years ago

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AHAHAHAHA OMFG Ok so this made me laugh SO MUCH that I genuinely could not answer at first. I had to get up from my computer, take the chinchillas out of the playpen, take them to visit with my mom, and then put them back in their cage and give them some hay, all in order to COLLECT MYSELF ENOUGH TO BE COHERENT ON THIS. Firstly, bless you, omg. This is so cursed, you’re the best. “ If this man went balls deep I would say “fill me like a waterballoon” I JUST. SCREAMED INTERNALLY OMFG. THIS IS. OH MY GOD. “Maybe be nicer to ur son tho. Litreally in the time of Krakoa, it won’t kill you to do something good Sebastian.” WE CAN KEEP HOPING LOLOLOL Shaw actually has been shown thinking he wants to like, mend things when he brought Shinobi back, but, uh, he did that by immediately lying to him for his own ends. So. Y e a h. I’m not holding my breath for Shaw to turn into a good dad (and anyway, 1/3 of my jokes would be obsolete if he did!) “Hes so fucking funny??? EXACT opposite of Haven and Fabian yet he feels right for you” HE IS. Shaw is HILARIOUS. Like, he’s a legit threat but also SO FUNNY, he’s a really neat mix and I feel that writers really miss this but I try to play it up. He is definitely a “me” character! “ I like it when he fights men. Wolveine, Magneto, Red lotus, when Remy grabbed his boob “ IT IS HILARIOUS “ and also I do love your stuff with Haven since i love character differences and I only trust you to write male and female relationships that don’t immediately go sexual or romantic. “ AWWWW THANK YOU!!!! I really appreciate this, since platonic m/f stuff is my JAM!! “Mutant fundraiser of wet shirt car washing and going onto your bootydoc convo earlier- Shaw and Rogue are the most popular car washers. Fabian weeps. A woman he cannot touch and because he’s better than southern apple pie and Shaw….who the fuck brought him Daisy Dukes??? Like this! Either that or someone makes the mistake of chest bumping Sebastian and finds out his powers the hard way“ GJEJGJRHJRWH OH MY GODDDD AHAHAHAHAHAHAH ‘ I think maybe he does care about Shinobi more than he let’s on??? Not for ACTUAL caring but “ yeah its COMPLICATED YOU KNOW? Like when I started this blog in 2016, I solidly said that Shaw didn’t love Shinobi, but now I think. . . .I think it’s complicated and he does to a very small degree in a very weird way, but it of course doesn’t cancel out how he treated him and treats him now (tbh a LOT of abusive parents love their kids) I think exploring this, exploring how Shaw really feels, while also exploring how badly Shinobi was affected by the abuse he gave, would be a really great story. It won’t happen ever because that would require canon writers to give a shit, but it would be great, I’d really like to see it by Steve Lyons (he’s the one who wrote The Legacy Quest novels, which are really great character pieces for Shaw and are what changed my mind on how he feels about Shin) “Shaw and any man. Fucking love it u little wrestle freak.”

AHAHAHAHA RIGHT?! he does NOT deserve any woman, but god I love seeing him do this dumb shit “ He can do the man-boob bounce and also in order to gain more energy from Remy, made sure the Cajun pulled on his Daddy Milkers like a New Orleans cow. Wore nipple tassels in a meeting to intimidate others, love how you talked about him being broad so now I think about him getting stuck in a normal sized doorway and its basically this and he pays Shinobi monthly just to not talk about it. “ THERE IS NOT A SINGLE SENTENCE I DIDN’T START FUCKIN SHRIEKING AT JFC MAN BOOB BOUNCE DADDY MILKERS

NEW ORLEANS COW NIPPLE TASSELS TO A MEETING shit probably AND OMFG THE RABBIT AND POOH IMAGE DGJGJDJG Thank you this FUCKING MADE MY NIGHT omg, you are SUCH a freaky deaky cursed person, I LOVE YOU.

Opinions meme 8)

@sebastianshaw every time u send an ask I feel like a village watching a dragon approach with hungry intentions

Opinions meme

First impression

Dilf. If this man went balls deep I would say "fill me like a waterballoon" I'm always into a kickass...something coded man hes like Wolverine but if Wolverine got lucky in the height department

Impression now

Dilf opinion still stands. I still stand by my sexual statements. Maybe be nicer to ur son tho. Litreally in the time of Krakoa, it won't kill you to do something good Sebastian. Hes so fucking funny??? EXACT opposite of Haven and Fabian yet he feels right for you

Favorite moment

I like it when he fights men. Wolveine, Magneto, Red lotus, when Remy grabbed his boobs (hand to tiddy contact...what Rogue could never give 😔) and also I do love your stuff with Haven since i love character differences and I only trust you to write male and female relationships that don't immediately go sexual or romantic.

Idea for a story

Mutant fundraiser of wet shirt car washing and going onto your bootydoc convo earlier- Shaw and Rogue are the most popular car washers. Fabian weeps. A woman he cannot touch and because he's better than southern apple pie and Shaw....who the fuck brought him Daisy Dukes??? Like this! Either that or someone makes the mistake of chest bumping Sebastian and finds out his powers the hard way

Unpopular opinion

I think maybe he does care about Shinobi more than he let's on??? Not for ACTUAL caring but....he has a bloodline and he would like to keep it alive and well. Does pick up Shinobi if he's on the way to somewhere and unintentionally teaches kids new skills in that "terrible teacher you had sadly leaves a good lesson imparted on you"

Favorite relationship

Shaw and any man. Fucking love it u little wrestle freak.

Favorite headcanon(s)

He can do the man-boob bounce and also in order to gain more energy from Remy, made sure the Cajun pulled on his Daddy Milkers like a New Orleans cow. Wore nipple tassels in a meeting to intimidate others, love how you talked about him being broad so now I think about him getting stuck in a normal sized doorway and its basically this and he pays Shinobi monthly just to not talk about it.

#saving this #saved #everyone needs to read this omg #out of shirt

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thewhimsicalfairy · 5 years ago

Text

DAY 0 - a chronological documentation of this non-relationship

right from the start, i told myself, i told everyone who would listen/knew that i was just not gonna take this too seriously...

as with all online dates, they have a tendency to drop off or i have a tendency to lose interest very quickly but somehow you stuck around, yet i still refused to entertain the idea that there might be something...

2 May: we connected on CMB, you were very open about your history which i listened with an open mind and appreciated you for being open and honest about it...

we traded numbers since the chat was closing and then continued chatting from there...

22 May: met up ftf for the first time at Oasia Hotel's Marmalade Pantry, someone was in grey tee (knitted i believe) and camou pants haha the convo flowed and all but still it was just like any other first dates i've been on, always keeping my expectations in check... you surprised me with sandwich choices though, promising to bring me a jar of the infamous peanut butter from Amsterdam (from your upcoming work trip) and proceeding to hand me a box of 2 nicely wrapped sandwiches, one creamy and one non-creamy version, both with the crusts off. it showed me you were meticulous and caring...just noting your good qualities... before we parted ways you asked if we could be in touch...i said sure being the cool girl that i am...

1 June: we continued texting non-stop, rapid-fire style, playing 20 questions...asking all the right and wrong questions...we’d already escalated to sexting by then...and then you left for Amsterdam. truth be told i had this crazy urge to run to your office area to bid you farewell prior to you leaving for your trip...like give you a hug or something...but i reined in that crazy bitch. we continued texting all the way till you boarded your plane and then you asked me to send you my picture. i've received such crazy requests before and i was kinda wary but i took some anyhow (ok more like a lot) and then proceeded to ponder whether to send or not for the next 50min or so...as well as ask the Internet gods 'what does it mean when he asks for a photo' (to varying degrees of responses) you even noticed my absence when i was busy taking photos but i sent 1 in the end after i confirmed that u were not gonna be doing anything funny to it (not sure if i’m supposed to be flattered if anyone wanks off to my photo but anyway)

and then you sent me yours just like that (and it is still my favourite photo of you to date haha)...and promised to text the moment you land and all...you were very responsible with your words then...

1-7 June: you were in Amsterdam for work but it was as if i was just right beside you on this same trip cos the texting never let up despite the time difference. you would send me pictures of everything that you were doing, eating, ootds, everything and there was no stopping the conversations... and still you reeled me in...

13 June: we met up for a 2nd time, this time at Pagi Sore (100am) and depsite constant texting, it felt a little awks nonetheless to be meeting ftf after so long so everyone was still kinda on our best behaviour haha (but i'm always well behaved) and you presented me with the gifts you got for me at Amsterdam (the peanut butter as promised) and fancy chocolates that you picked up at the airport. confirmed mentally that gift giving was defo one of your top love language. and still you reeled me in...

and we texted some more, non-stop, impromptu lunches in between and i'd happily skip out of office just to hang out ditching the girls (resulting in the girls just saying how about i let them know when i would be next joining them for lunch =x)

20 June: dinner and drinks at Westin's Cook & Brew...this was kinda like the night you will provide a tell-all on your past relationships - and tell you did (a terribly colourful dating history if i may add) and the night went on... we continued on with more drinks at the outdoor bar area...normally it would've been a good idea but that night it was terribly windy and i was kinda chilly despite the alcohol warming me up so i was glad to have my jacket with me (the same one i wore to our first date you noted). and then it started to rain and we had to move back indoors but we didn't attempt to leave even though i was already feeling buzzed... not before long the bar had to close so i had to down my wine in a quick shot and we left...and took a roundabout walk to around the area on a bench and talked some more we both agreed the night would have carried on if not for the fact that tomorrow was still a working day... the question of what we were looking for came up (i asked this question first) and you said you were just looking around... we got home on separate taxis and i made a mental note of your response and that you hadn't made a move on me yet so i was relatively clear on where i stood on this (meh's advice, especially after watching 'He's Just Not That Into You') - you were basically not interested hah so i managed my expectations and thought well a least it has been interesting...when we got home...you did text to say you did notice my choice of outfit (my all time favourite slip dress really)...pity you didn’t manage to take a good look at the cowl back...

29 June: you finally asked me out on a weekend...actually i did casually mention to you that my mom was wondering why this guy i was seeing never asks me out on weekends...and if he’s got a family and all that’s why weekends are off-limits...(a mother’s intuition can be so spot-on but clearly it’s way more complicated than that...anyhow...) and i was ecstatic to say the least even if it was a date that was made that same day...tbh i was inclined to decline cos i don’t really do impromptu dates in general...(like please respect a girl’s time even if i don’t actually have solid plans...vegging at home and netflixing is kinda like a plan ok...)but i okayed it and just had to check what was the general plan cos a girl’s gotta dress for it you know...you brought me to the Ford Musuem having known that i am a sucker for museums covering the history of the war...even though you actually only went recently but you still accompanied me through it...it was also then you realised that i don’t carry my IC with me cos entry was free for SGreans...truth be told i have been to the Ford Musuem...but that was a few years back and i didn’t quite mind rehashing the place again (FOC why not right) they might have updated the exhibits and the experience would have been different with you...and rightly so cos there was so many times when you had your back towards me i wanted to give you a back hug...that you liked receiving them came up several times while we texting...but i never acted on it haha cos i didn’t want to seem i was throwing myself at you...a girl’s gotta to keep her pride in check you know...

after Ford you drove us to Punggol area just to show me the nice relaxing eating space...but we didn’t actually have dinner there lol...we moved on to Punggol Settlement to dine at White Restaurant...the only place you will eat bee hoon cos that placed is famous for it and with good reason cos the food is genuinely good...we had quite the spread, other than the bee hoon we had prawn paste chicken and sambal kang kong :))) happy camper that night cos i appreciate a good meal...i paid for dinner since you were so sweet to drive us around that was least i could do...back in the car you asked if i needed to head home...but i was up for anything...so you suggested a drive and asked if i had been to Jewel since it opened and i hadn’t so we ended up there...

and we continued texting...

1 July: we met for lunch at the Nasi Lemak place opposite Realty Centre (which has since died) and post-lunch i was saying how i was concerned that my hair would smell and all (cos indoor seating with the food cooking inside doesn't make for a great combination) and you reached out and smelt my hair...that was the single most intimate move that i'd ever received and then before we parted you pulled me into a hug and i just went for it... like i didn't do the a-hug or half hug kind of bullshit but a full on body to body contact hug...and it felt nice...i think my mind kinda stopped processing whilst we were hugging but yeah i really really liked the smell of your cologne since then another fact: i was so turned on from that hug my panties were basically soaked; i had to wear my dress the wrong way round so that it wouldn't look like i stained myself... you had that kind of an effect on me...and i think my walls came tumbling down...

4 July: dinner at a Suntec's Unagi place (your choice since we didn't want to deal with the queue at Man Man) and apparently you took off early that night to pick up your car... someone wanted to drive us to some place nice after... i saw that there was 1-for-1 happy hour on the highball and you okayed it even though you were driving

you drove us Marina Barrage and there you said that you liked me and wrapped me in your arms when you said it and i was in a complete daze i mean i was aware that there was something brewing but i wasn't sure of the signs and i've been very wary about 自作多情 so i just maintained whatever it was we had and then this confession...you said i clearly liked you otherwise i wouldn't be hanging out with you which was true and then you asked what was it that i liked about you as you wrapped me in your arms again and i was genuinely at a loss for words...i've received confessions before but never one where it was clearly mutual and in such an intimate setting...the wordsmith basically decided to quit on me and i struggled to find the right words i settled for ‘you make me feel safe’ and that was the absolute truth...i never doubted your intentions before as you were always so honest and forthcoming with the situation back at home and even when you said you couldn’t make this official not until your divorce is finalised in Dec...when in reality not many people around you know about us i accepted it...i trusted you completely... and you took your hand in mine and it was the interlocking kind...and my heart felt all kinds of things it has never felt before... another fact: again super turned on by the hug we shared, panties were soaking wet again but thank god for panty liners otherwise it'll be a different walk of shame for me... i really liked it when you placed your hand on my bum (it felt good somehow), and i definitely felt a boner somewhere...

5 July: dinner and movie (...) i was kinda sad when the night ended, i didn't want it to end cos i always enjoyed our time together, there wasn't enough time anyhow and i gave you a peck on the cheek cos that was all i could muster at that point before we parted...

(...to be continued...)

basically once the touch barrier was broken, i wanted to touch you so badly all the time. literally ALL.THE.TIME. even if it was just stolen moments at Donki i gave you backhugs and random kisses and hand holding...i couldn't get enough... i confirmed one of my top love languages was touch and i wanted to communicate that thoroughly...you meant that much to me...

x x x

and as much as you are wont to admit it, i was defo a rebound, all the signs pointed to it and and it still tears me up inside i basically became collateral damage as you tried to seek solace from the pain... the Heartbreak Spotify Playlist is definitely not helping my case but it’s like beating a dead horse right...you just keep going at it until you’re numb i suppose...but i had no idea how i could relate so much to these songs till now it’s pretty crazy...some favourite tracks that can set me off right now are: Camila Cabelo’s Consequences X Ambassadors’ Unsteady Birdy’s Skinny Love

#post break up #heartache #행복한 시간

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