#almost didnt include future hearts as a joke....

[maccreadysbaby]

i just binged the logan fam au pls im so invested 😩 there’s not a lot of works with logan and i’m so so happy i found it !! it’s so amazing and i love how you write ❤️

Thank you so much this makes me so happy! Unfortunately this is going to be the last part. I think fifteen is a good number to end on. Also this goes into the futures of Logan and y/n’s kids as well!!!

< prev part

HERES TO THE FUTURE™︎

y/n was absolutely livid Logan wouldn’t let her go to Houston with him

Elliot and McKade were absolutely livid Logan wouldn’t let them go to Houston with him

Y/n never got many descriptions of that night. Only that Finn’s first ever mission was saving his brother

y/n stayed at home with McKade, Elliot, Jade, and Sadie. They stayed up nearly all night waiting for any kind of communication

there was nothing until, three days later, Logan got home with Diego

and he still wouldn’t tell y/n what happened. Not that Finn had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the mission and that Gaz practically had to carry him. Not that Keegan and Hesh both got shot multiple times for Diego. Not that Rorke had the barrel of a gun pressed against their son’s head. Not that Rorke’s brains were splattered on the wall from a bullet that came out of Logan’s gun. Not that Diego had watched him kill Rorke. Not that Diego cling to Finn the entire way home, that he wouldn’t look at Logan, wouldn’t even get close enough for Logan to touch him

Diego was different when he got home. Traumatized, almost. He didn’t cry, didn’t have much of a reaction at all other than the fact that he wanted to sit on the couch with his whole family and not move

Sadie tried to get him to say something, but he didnt

And the eight of them, including Finn who’d returned home, sat there with him

They all fell asleep in the living room, in the floor, on the couches, in chairs

And the next morning, Sunday morning, they woke up to more silence from Diego

deep down Logan knew he’d scarred the kid for life, but what was he supposed to do? Let Rorke shoot him?

everyone was so gentle with Diego. They handled him like glass. Like porcelain. It broke y/n and Logan’s heart that, after they got home, when Logan moved toward Diego, Diego would back away

he slowly started talking again, but not to Logan. He started smiling again, but not at what Logan said. He started to laugh at jokes, and play games, and go back to normal

all except for the fact that he was avoiding Logan

it was absolutely heart shattering for Y/n and Logan, but what could they do? Forcing him to interact could cause more harm than good, and they weren’t therapists, they didn’t know how to handle this

it was one Wednesday, after Diego had gotten home from school. Y/n was in the kitchen and Logan was working at the dining table. McKade and Elliot were in their rooms, Sadie was playing with Jade in the living room, Finn was on-base with TF141

Diego got home from school and dropped his bag. Sadie greeted him but he didn’t say anything

he bee-lined through the living room, through the kitchen. Upon his arrival, Logan stood, ready to give him his space, but instead, Diego walked straight into him, wrapping his arms around his father so tight he nearly couldn’t breathe

“I’m sorry. I love you, dad,” was all Diego said

Logan made eye constant with y/n and hugged Diego back. “I love you too, buddy”

and then, just then, their family clicked back into place. Everything shifted, everything felt, right. y/n felt, for the first time, that their future wasn’t so uncertain, that their family wasn’t so strange, that everything might just be okay from that point forward

and it was

McKade made it through medical school and became a children’s doctor, working mostly with kids that had to board at the hospital for hereditary diseases or cancer

he wasn’t one for romance. Not until one day, when he was twenty-eight, when a woman and her one-year-old son who’d just beaten cancer got transferred into his care

her name was June, and her son, Julian

he tried not to fall for her because doctor and parent was so taboo, so unnatural, so forbidden, but he couldn’t help it

after they got released, he started hanging out with her, spending time with them, and oh God, he loved them

and he married her when he was twenty-nine. They had three kids, including Julian. One was born when Julian was three, a daughter, Bailey, and then another daughter a year after that, Evie

Elliot ended up with the most oddball job out of them all. He became an underwater welder

sounds strange, but they get paid extremely extremely well

he opened up his home to house foreign exchange students when he was twenty-nine and eventually takes up fostering as a single father

he only fostered one child, a ten year old boy named Ezra, and he fell so in love that he adopted him

he never got married, he didn’t have much interest in women after what his mother did to Logan. he had a few girlfriends but Ezra was his main priority all of the time

he and Ezra had a father/son only life like he and Logan did for a bit, but it was happy as opposed to the messy divorce that caused theirs

Finn spent almost fifteen years in the military before finally settling down after losing his second leg when he was 35

he took up working business deals, being a salesman, so he got a remote job leading a team of salesman under a company that supplied car dealerships with advertising and such

he’d pretty much written off getting married until he met Alluria (uh-lore-ee-uh), a beautiful girl from Slovakia that had moved to America as a baby. He met her because she worked at the local coffee shop he spent, like, half of his life in

they got married when Finn was 36 and never had any kids, but they have a beautiful marriage and live to spend time with their nieces and nephews

Diego graduated high school and college at the top of his class, but settled on the culinary arts

he started working as a cook in someone else’s kitchen

then a manager / cook

and it spiraled and spiraled until, suddenly, y/n and Logan were watching on as he opened his own Brazilian restaraunt

he met a girl, Lacey, when she applied to work there and long story short they ended up married when Diego was 22

they had five kids. The first was a boy, Noah, when he was 23, then a girl a year later, Haven, two years after that a boy, Dallas, then a year later, female identical twins, Callie and Emma

Sadie decided not to go to college, and instead, lives, at first, by picking up odd jobs. She’d auditioned for shows and movies but never made it

She finally settled down and ended up being a freelance photographer

She married a guy named Hudson after meeting him in a theater course she took once

they had one kid, a girl, and they named her Y/n

Jade grew up with so much love and support she didn’t know what to do with it all. She played sports throughout all of her school years, but she finally settled on being a soccer player

she played through college, where she met Avery, a boy that also played soccer

and eventually they got married. Jade was 24

they had two babies, both boys, named Roman and Leo. Leo was born when she was 25, Roman when she was 26

and Y/n, Logan, and their massive family lived happily ever after

(Oh yeah; and every single one of their kids made sure to have pancake Saturdays with their own kids)

[jupitergames-if]

not the most effort put in but !! here is my mc Alatus he is a dumb nerd that got promoted bc he defended the research facility. he relies on agility a lot. oh and hes double jointed, when he was younger (and very short.) he'd hide in cabinets and give his family a heart attack. like . imagine it being 2am and you go to grab some cheezits from the cabinet and you just see big blue eyes staring right at you. always won hide in seek tho

this little reference thing was made in thirty minutes LOL ill make better stuff for it in the future !! hes 26

it does not like to talk about the research facility thing because he damn near almost died

he and alex have a very back and forth type of friendship!! just constant bickering, especially when they were younger,

"you didnt study for the test???"

"im not a nerd you nerd" alex definitely uses him as an arm rest too .

give him anything shiny and he'll love you for eternity

wears hello kitty pajamas /hj

massive tease

he gets very uncertain about his role, absolutely terrified to think about the (very good) chances his team could get hurt under his direction

climbs EVERYTHING. wake up in the middle of the night and homeboys sitting on a table ungracefully just splayed out reading a book. hes like a cat .

(i'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond to this adlkfjsldfjdlks)

um so absolutely obsessed with alatus, please keep me updated with how he develops as more of the game comes out!! i crave it

you've inspired me to include a chance to pick your mc's pajamas—and one of the choices will be hello kitty for sure /i don't know what the tone indicator for "not joking" is, but insert it here

also i love the boob window lmao

[philipkindreddickhead]

I often seen critiques of make up from an existential/philosophical perspective, but I rarely see criticism of cosmetics from a stand point of the very physical bodily harm it does. I think this is because the number of dangerous ingredients is so massive, and overlapping its an absolutely daunting task. So I've compiled the information I've found and bear with me its a lot. (This is from an American perspective. Sorry, thats what I know. However I would love it if people from other countries had things to add.)

First I want to get the "simple" stuff out of the way. I think almost everyone has heard about bacteria and fungi in makeup and that makeup causes acne from clogging pores. Makeup has a pretty strict shelf life, yet consumers are entirely supposed to self-police as Ive never seen a single expiration date on any cosmetic packaging. (I guess consumers are meant to pull this knowledge out of the ether or something. I only found out about it in a tumblr PSA. I did read that expirys are on products in Europe.) Beauty blenders are the worst offender because theyre almost always moist. When I was taught makeup I was told to wet my sponge so it would soak up less product. If you apply makeup daily your sponge is likely constantly damp. USA Today had an article which said that 96% of sponges had fungi and over 60% had E. Coli in them. But I think what people talk about less is the complication of problems from using other products in conjunction with dirty beauty blenders. USA Today warns its especially dangerous to use beauty blenders if you have damage to your skin like acne, cuts, or dry skin. However the most popular beauty products for washing your face contain walnut pieces for literally scrubbing your skin and creating microabrasions. If youre a frequent makeup user you probably know about the cyclical nature of applying foundation, breaking out, and then applying more foundation to cover the breakout. You may even be using scrubbing cleansers more frequently to combat the acne creating more tears. This can lead to "blood poisoning" and, though neither USA today or Forbes mentions this, blood poisoning (not a medical term btw. Its sepsis.) according to numerous medical sites has the potential to be extremely lethal. The symptoms are so similar to a regular flu its nearly impossible to self-diagnose.

The very first thing I was told when a friend handed me a jar of finishing powder- popular with many beauty gurus for the "baking" technique and considered a must have- was a joke about "clown lung." This was a reference to the main ingredient talc. Talc causes lung problems including cancer and respiratory illness. If anyone remembers the large Johnson and Johnson lawsuit from 2019 it was because theyd been putting talc into baby powder. Talc is dangerous because it's impossible to mine and seperate from ASBESTOS. Some high-end finishing powders will try to sell you on safe talc-free formulas but all the products I looked into contained mica instead which causes pneumoconiosis, colloquially known as "black lung disease." Like fucking coal miners get. Its not just present in finishing powder either. In my research it turned out that talc/asbestos are also present in many eyeshadows and other powder products. [Googleable, evidenced in J&J lawsuit]

Another industry to examine is nail salons. Toluene, Formaldehyde, Dibutyl Phthalate, and Methacrylate compounds are all dangerous ingredients and present in various salon products. These ingredients cause a range of problems from dizziness, drowsiness, birth defects, slow fetal growth, future intellectual disabilities in the fetus, eye skin and throat irritation, coughing, allergic reactions, asthma-like attacks, short-term memory loss, nausea, dermatitis, cancer, and misscarriage. Some nail products advertise that they are 3-free meaning that toluene, formaldehyde, and DP should be absent but often the labels are found to be completely inaccurate. It should be noted that the risk is mainly to salon workers and not patrons but ask yourself if it is right to place other people at serious risk for your aesthetic. OSHA does make an attempt to mitigate these risks however not once in my years of makeup queen did I see a salon following these directives which include constant air monitoring, half mask respirators with chemical cartridges, gloves, long sleeves, and safety glasses. (And Im not even going to touch issues of human trafficking/slave labour out of nail salons one case of which occured 5 days ago two hours away from me) It should also be noted that formaldehyde can also be found in hair relaxers and hair dyes. [Found articles in Scientific American and NYT]

I also found on the FDAs website that many cosmetics include heavy metals like arsenic, mercury, and lead. (Usually accompainied by a picture of lipstick so I assume that is the product most likely to contain it, however campaign for safe cosmetics lists foundation as containing heavy metals, and The Guardian has an article about skin lighteners from Asia and Africa containing mercury.) The website stated that the amount of these heavy metals in cosmetics is "safe" if used as intended. (and I'm going to come back to the concept of "intended use" later because thats a can of worms too) However, when searching for info on heavy metal safety I found this quote in regards to metals in food:

"Certain metals, such as arsenic, lead and mercury, have no established health benefit, and have been shown to lead to illness, impairment, and in high doses, death. Understanding the risk that harmful metals pose in our food supply is complicated by the fact that no single food source accounts for most people’s exposure to metals in foods. People’s exposure comes from many different foods containing these metals. Combining all of the foods we eat, even low levels of harmful metals from individual food sources, can sometimes add up to a level of concern"

So like, which is it? Is it a "safe amount" or is no amount of metal safe? I understand that in the case of certain foods like fish some amount of mercury poisoning is always expected but fish is also something you feed yourself and nourish your body with while cosmetics are completely unecessary to your survival. The mercury problem in fish is also mitigated by health warnings when mercury levels are particularly high but cosmetics have no such warning. Another warning on the site indicated that children should ingest NO amount of lead AT ALL because it is particularly harmful for kids yet theres no effort to stop children from using lead-containing cosmetics. I worked next to a Five Below where I was shocked to find they sold Jeffree Star and Anastasia eyeshadow dupes for five dollars which amounts to fucking pocket change for a lot of kids and kids do buy that stuff. I also think its ironic the FDA would have anything to say regarding cosmetics because in the very same article about heavy metals in cosmetics the FDA says that they DO NOT REGULATE cosmetics beyond the color additives.

Mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, and brow tint often contain carbon black. This is a color additive that is an incomplete combustion of carbon-based products. It can cause lung disease, cancer, and organ system toxicity, and eye, nose, throat irritation. The effects are mainly studied in rats and those at biggest risk are industrial workers but why do other workers have to endure lung problems for something so unecessary? [Easily googleable, NIH, CDC, WHO Europe]

This next bit I only want to mention briefly because I didnt find any particularly reputable sources about it, but its a claim that cropped up repeatedly and I think its an interesting one. Parabens, estrogen, phthalates (again), and pesticides in cosmetics are apparently linked to endocrine disorders and hormone dysregulation. Im not entirely sure what is meant by this accusation. Endocrine disorders include female diseases like PCOS and possibly endometriosis. None of these diseases is very well studied and the female endocrine system itself is not well studied either. Im not saying "cosmetics cause PCOS" because we dont know if PCOS or these other endocrine/hormonal disorders are genetic or environmental or both (it appears that PCOS is largely genetic and Endometriosis is likely autoimmune related) AND we dont appear to know for sure that cosmetic ingredients cause endocrine disorder. But I include anyway for a number of reasons:

If you happen to struggle with hormonal problems you may want to know cosmetics is a potential environment factor.

These conditions are incredibly painful. It will be a battle getting your doctor to even acknowledge that pain for diagnosis. PCOS is linked to diabetes, and heart disease. [Thanks @mother-of-pearl ] There is no cure and the treatments are often throwing hormonal birth control at it and hoping for the best.

I dont anticipate the link between cosmetics and endocrine disorders being studied any time soon or any endocrine disorders studied at all because the medical/scientific field is sexist. I dont want women to suffer in the mean time.

Now again, take this with a grain of salt because I couldnt find scientific or news sources for it. Dont fucking come for me. Im not gonna respond to you. [Most reputable source was a paper from the library of medicine at the national institutes of health but it was behind a paywall and I dont have 39 dollars to be right on tumblrdotcom]

Avoiding these ingredients is not as simple as scanning the label for them. As many beautubers and the community are no doubt aware considering multiple scandals over veganism. Products advertised as vegan or cruelty free but contain non-vegan carmine or are sold in China which legally requires the products to be animal tested. Cosmetic companies will hide ingredients claiming they are "trade secrets" or they will be placed under "fragrance." Many ingredients will be known by six or seven different names and asking consumers to be aware of seven different names for multiple ingredients requires consumers to be aware of innumerable different, often complicated ingredient names. I shouldnt have to point out that's a ridiculous burden to place on women. The EU banned 1,300 hazardous ingredients that the US did not. Cosmetic companies rely on women being unwilling/unable to bring in a list of 1,300 ingredients- with multiple names- every time they pop in to the drug store, sephora, or wherever. Buying "natural" products will not help you either. Theres no established criteria for natural/organic in costmetics, the FDA doesnt test these products, and "natural"=/= safe anyway. Plenty of plants and minerals are poisonous. One good example is traditional kohl products which advertise their natural status but also naturally contain lead and reiterating that natural powders contain mica. US courts are rarely on the side of consumers either. I found an interesting lawsuit against St. Ives for their apricot scrub taken to court for their "dermatologist tested" label despite it causing breakouts and cuts to the skin. The courts ruled that this label was fine because it only indicated that the product was TESTED not APPROVED by dermatologists. However I think any rational consumer would look at this label and assume the tests concluded it was safe for use or else why put the label on there?

[Googlable XMONDO drama, googlable laws wrt china and eu, already stated about FDA, FDA website about Kohl. Googled St. Ives lawsuit.]

I want to return to the idea of "intended use." This is sort of a fucky concept a lot of companies have ways of getting around. My "last straw" with makeup had to do with a run-in I had with Anastasia over their "Riviera" eyeshadow palette. In this pallette they had two colors that were the real feature of the palette, an electric neon purple and a radioactive pink I mean every photo, every promotion has these two colors swirled together around the eye. Because again, its an eyeshadow palette. When I buy the eyeshadow palette of course there's a little insert warning in the package that says these two shades are not intended on the eye area. In an eyeshadow palette. Contacting their customer service they told me that these two shades were meant to be used as a blush. neon purple blush. Not only that, but their website and instagram featured NO models wearing the shades as blush while EVERY model one or more of the shades as eyeshadow. When asked about this discrepancy ABH stopped responding. What I find egregious about this is the amount of people who dont know, and then more staggeringly; dont care. The sephora clerks didnt know, the in store abh representative didnt know, their customers didnt know, and when I told them they would respond with "oh, [brand] did the same thing with their [shade]." Sure enough, when I demanded that store clerks open the packaging to look for warnings nearly every product had an "eyeshadow" that was not intended for use on the eyes. Relegating dark, red-toned teal to "contour" and neon grean to "highlighter" US-based cosmetic junkies will say that these pigments have been approved for use by the EU however I found absolutely NO evidence of that. I googled it a thousand ways but all I ever found were blog posts, reddit comments, and one quote from an apparently nonEuropean layman in an Insider article. I even changed my location to France on ABH's website and the Norvina palette still contains the same warnings (not to harp on ABH in particular. I just know which shades in particular are the problem there). The Insider article noted that brands who were selling pressed pigments declined to comment. If the pressed pigments were EU friendly, I would think companies would be clamouring to say so. It also still makes their market as eyeshadow colors illegal in the US. (If any Europeans would like to chime in I'd love that.) Another problem I find with cosmetics companies and their reps is the claim that the worst thing that could happen is eye irritation for those with sensitive eyes and staining. How could they possibly know? The FDA doesnt test, or approve these cosmetics in the eye area, so ostensibly no one should be using it that way.

The next one is a bit of a "duh" but I'm going to talk about it anyway. Counterfeit cosmetics are a booming market full of untold dangers. Untold primarily because these products could contain literally anything. Ive read about glue, arsenic, lead, feces, staph, and horse urine to name a few. The labels and ingredient list on these products are fake. Legitimate brands often unintentionally play into the counterfeit market. They create artificial scarcity by making less of the product than is actually needed for consumer demand to create an even higher demand. If consumers miss out often their only chance at getting the product is to turn to counterfeits. I found examples of women who had their lips superglued, lips "turned to goo" and burned to blistering, throat closures, women with stys, contact dermatitis, eye infections. I think we as a society turn a blind eye to this problem because we think "hey, if youre buying counterfeits for a discount and you get hurt you deserve it." We imagine idiots buying products for 4 dollars from ebay or perusing Canal street for FEИTY beauty. But these counterfeits can be really convincing. I myself received a gift of a huda palette that I only recognized something was weird about it because I'd swatched it at sephora about five times earlier that month. The person who bought it for me actually paid MORE than the usual cost for the palette because it was advertised as a newer, better edition. The websites can be disturbingly similar. For instance Kylie Jenner's legitimate website is KylieCosmetics.com but you can find fakes at kyliecosmeticsshop.co.uk. These fakes can buy ad space and be one of the first sites that populate when you google the products instead of typing the legitimate site into the address bar. Counterfeits can also be bought and sold through third parties on websites like ebay, wish, and amazon. (My gift actually came from Amazon.)

[Netflix doc "Broken" ep "Makeup Mayhem" Corroborated by personal experience and google]

[samwrights]

Two Little Lines Pt. 2

More babies!! WOW I’M SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE A WHOLE ASS FIC OUT OF FUKATUCHI.

Er, warning? Implied alcoholism in Semi’s.

Terushima;

To say that you and Terushima lived a perfect life together would be an outright lie.

Sure, the two of you had been together since your guys’ third year of high school and you have always found a way to make the relationship work.

But you were so tired.

So tired of acting more like his mother than his girlfriend of the last four years. He hardly helped around the apartment, never cooked a meal, and if he was home and not passed out, he’d ditch you to go hang out with his friends.

It just didn’t feel like a relationship anymore; it felt like you were roommates who slept in the same bed.

And Terushima Yūji was entirely oblivious to the fact.

To say that it broke your heart would be an understatement.

But even so, you held onto the hope that you and Teru would make this all work and everything would go back to the way it used to be.

Hope in the form of crying out the anguish in your soul every night as you went to bed.

You ain’t slick though, but Terushima just doesn’t know what to do—

he’s terrified to confront you about this because what if you finally realize that he’s really just a piece of shit and you should have left years ago?

I love Terushima but lowkey I feel like he’s toxic 💀

But he tries—tries in the form of actually talking about topics that have real substance for the first time in months.

It actually goes rather well!

Too well.

It was nice to have your boyfriend back, even if temporarily.

To have human, physical contact with him was needed.

But also landed you in your current predicament—sitting on your bathroom floor, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test you felt you needed to buy earlier.

You were tired—way more than usual lately. The morning sickness, however, was what prompted you.

It was currently 2am. Yūji would be home soon from wherever he decided to go to, and the timer on your phone goes off signaling for you to check.

Not that you needed nor wanted the confirmation, but the two little lines were the nail in the coffin.

Lmaofuck.

“[name]?” Terushima calls out from the hallway. He must’ve noticed you weren’t in bed despite the late hour.

Hearing his voice brought tears to your eyes and you wished you could lie and say they were from joy.

The sobs are what captures his attention, prompting him to barge into the bathroom. “Babe? What’s wrong?”

You don’t say anything; you’re afraid you’ll say everything you’d been harboring inside for years. Instead, you point to the pregnancy test with a shaky finger.

“Wha—oh. Oh!” Aside from the three syllables that left his lips, he had no idea what else to say.

Because he knows.

Terushima knows that things haven’t been going all that great and the both of you just loved each other too much to let the other go.

“I don’t know what to do, Yūji.” Your voice is devoid of all emotion, reflecting the emptiness you’d been feeling for so long.

“The choice is yours, always. But...” Terushima comes to sit with you on the tiled floor, tugging at your cheek so that you can look at him. “This is my sign, I guess, that I have to be better. We aren’t kids anymore, shit we could be having a kid—I can’t just do whatever the hell I want.”

“You shouldn’t have been in the first place,” you seeth, “Yūji, we’ve been in a partnership since high school.”

“And you’ve been carrying the team.” At least he acknowledges it. “Now you’re literally carrying the team.”

“Dude,” you smack his arm lightly, not missing his joke. “Be serious.”

“I am. I mean it. I don’t want to lose you, [name], so I’m going to try. I want to be better for you, for both of you.”

Semi;

Was Semi Eita perfect? No.

Did you need him to be perfect? Also no.

But for the last three years, there had always been some kind of disconnect between you two regarding what you wanted for the future.

You both were incredibly supportive of each other’s respective paths—shit, you were Semi’s biggest fan when it came to his music.

But considering he often had to travel, he just couldn’t see eye to eye with you and your need for stable roots.

What was the point of spending money on a house when your two bedroom apartment suited you just fine?

He did concede to the two of you getting a dog, so that was nice at least.

But above all, you wanted to be a family. Married, kids, a yard—the whole package. He knew this, but always had an excuse.

“My career is just taking off. If we get married, I don’t want to abandon either of you—I want to be able to dedicate the proper time to both of you.” Okay, fair.

“We don’t have enough saved for a house yet.” Also fair.

“Being a parent is a full time job.” He had valid points to everything, but that did little to quell your desires.

But for Semi, you were willing to make some sacrifices.

Kinda.

However, Semi doesn’t notice the subtle changes that have come from you.

You’re working more, home less, and if you were home, you’d already have had dinner and hanging out in the bathtub while chugging a bottle of wine.

At first, Eita just thinks that you’ve had a rough day at work or something and he gives you your space.

But one bottle turns into four, and he’s had to carry you out of the tub more than once or twice.

“Babe, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Semi had left work early one day just to make sure he caught you before you started your evening ritual.

“Nothing’s wrong, Eita!” But he could hear the forced optimism along with the way your grin didn’t make your cheekbones close your eyes at the corner like they always did.

“[name], please. Don’t shut me out.” Have you ever heard Semi Eita beg? No? That’s cause it never happens.

“I swear, I’m fine! Just had—“

“A hard day at work, I know. I don’t doubt that but you’re avoiding me, babe. Just tell me what’s going on.”

You don’t know how to answer without being selfish. You know what Semi wants out of life and you had comes to terms with it. So why couldn’t you just let it go?

“I-I just...need time. To come to terms with the fact that we want different things in life.” If Semi was a crier, he would have right then and there. Watching the air leave your lungs in broken bubbles coming up as hiccups as you cried broke his heart.

“Do we? I just want you.”

For the first time in months, you didn’t pick up a bottle. After having dinner together, you finally got to be in the comfort of your loving, life partner.

Fast forward to present day—two months later you still indulge yourself in one glass of wine but no more bottles in the bathtub.

Semi’s thankful af for that 💀 even it wasn’t the ideal recovery

But he notices you’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to go throw up, and he’s starting to wonder if there were days you were sneaking them in.

“Eita, I swear I stopped doing that.” He’s giving you benefit of the doubt, trying to come up with other potential culprits.

There were days when you would PMS bad enough to make you sick.

But never for more than a few days—you were entering week 2.

“I’m calling the doctor,” he declares after you’d hurled for the third time that day. When he sees your hesitance, he adds, “I don’t think this is normal withdrawal. You never quit cold turkey, so I just wanna make sure you’re safe.”

Semi Eita’s intuition is both a blessing and a curse.

Blessing, in the sense that he was 100% right in regards to you needing to see a doctor.

Curse, because the two of you found out that you were pregnant. And while the two of you were doing much better than you were a few months ago, the “talk” about your future had never resurfaced.

“So, what are we going to do, Eita?”

“Well, I suppose I’ll have to consolidate my studio to make room for a nursery and I’ll probably have to start working from home part time at least to help you out—“

“Wait, what?” Why did he make it sound like you were keeping the baby?

“Well I’m not gonna leave you to do this alone, [name]. It’s my kid too.”

“Semi-Semi, you don’t want kids.”

“Yeah, but I want you.” He sounds so sure, so confident, that you aren’t even sure if the man beside you is really your boyfriend. “And by association, that includes our baby.”

Futakuchi;

Oh my god.

Why—or rather how in the fuck did this happen to you?

Well, you know how it happened. You did have sex education when you were in high school, after all.

But you and Fukatuchi always used condoms—there was no room for negotiation on that.

Part of you wishes you would have broken off this hook up arrangement a long time ago

But you know you’re lying to yourself because the two of you just meshed so well.

Almost like a real couple, but you knew that a relationship was the last thing he wanted.

And now, you sat on your bathroom floor with your head buried on your knees after throwing the pregnancy test that revealed two little lines of positivity.

Well, fuck.

You start dodging his 2am calls, passing it off as you had a paper or a lab that you desperately needing to finish.

Kenji isn’t buying it. He knows you’re always on top of your schoolwork.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Comes a text in broad daylight—something comepletely atypical of Futakuchi.

Avoiding turns into ignoring as you’re almost three months pregnant.

To which he calls out with another text send before booty call hours. “Alright, this is getting ridiculous. Whoever you’re fucking now can’t be better than me. Just answer me and I’ll prove it.”

Blocked.

Another weak goes by and, surprisingly, your pregnancy has been relatively smooth. Even if it did suck going through it alone.

A part of you missed Futakuchi. Not that you’d ever tell him that. But you tried to tell yourself you missed the D and nothing else.

But you missed the way he’d hold you overnight, occasionally brushing hair out of your face almost endearingly. You missed the warmth, the lust fueled kisses that you swore were almost loving.

Only to remember he was always gone before you woke up. He was only a booty call, and you had to remind yourself of that.

So why the fuck was he at your doorstep in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday?

“Why the fuck did you block me?” He snarls, barreling his way into your apartment. You were so thankful that you were wearing an oversized hoodie and that you weren’t showing that much yet. .

“Dude, get out. Obviously, I blocked you for a reason.”

“Oh no, you don’t get to get out of this so easily. You would have told me if you started seeing someone else—“ his wording slips, he knows it, but Futakuchi can’t bring himself to fix the statement.

“We weren’t seeing each other in the first place!” The words sting him like rubbing alcohol on a fresh wound.

You try to usher him out of the apartment but, thanks to you being 16 weeks along and much weaker than him, your efforts are futile.

“You’re so cute when you play hard to get.” He retorts, wrapping his arms around your waist and picking you off the ground to carry you both out of the door way.

But as soon as he does, you’re immediately prying yourself away—fearful that he can feel your hardening belly. Fighting him off, however, seemed to make him squeeze harder. “Kenji, let me go! Fuck!”

He notices the use of his first name. He notices the flailing. But most of all, he noticed that your body felt different, even underneath the plush cloth of your hoodie.

He lets you go, unceremoniously dropping you into the ground out of shock because he finally is putting the pieces together. “You’re pregnant?”

“Get out, Kenji.”

“So you didn’t wanna see me because you’re pregnant? I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand the logic here,” his tone is snarky, painted with a vicious bite, “unless you were hooking up with someone else at the same time is me, there was no reason for you to keep this from me.”

But he knew that you weren’t. He knew by the way you’d clutch at his chest lovingly after sex that part of you longed for a real relationship with him.

And by the way it took everything in him to not stay through the morning, Kenji knew that somewhere along the lines, he wanted it too.

And he planned on telling you the last time he called, just before you started avoiding him.

“There was only you.” You answer quietly to the implied question.

“So, it’s mine.” He states bluntly. Losing your voice, you only nod. “You know,” he starts again slowly after you’ve both nodded off to a silent lull, “I started texting you in the middle of the day because I didn’t want you to think it was just about sex anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I actually wanted to give us a try, but I wasn’t sure if you’d break things off if you didn’t want to move forward, and I didn’t wanna risk finding out.”

“And now, instead, you’re finding out that you’re going to be a dad.”

💀💀💀 I-

Haikyuu!! Tag List - Let me know if you’d like to be added!

@hihiq​ @dreamyjaems @tamcitrus

[calliecat93]

Star Trek 2009... so... very mixed.

Let’s do the good first. The cinematography is really good. It FEELS like a futuristic time period moreso than TOS, but tbf the films have the advantage of being closer to modern day and being able to match the evolved times. Still, it’s very much a movie that wanted to look good and did. The acting for most pf the cast was good and I don’t have an issue with any of the reboot cast. No Chris Pine isn’t Shatner (and that’s a good thing) nor is Zachary Quinto Leonard Nimoy. But they and the others did their jobs well and I’m glad they all did their own thing and not just copy their predecessors. Simon Pegg as Scotty I really enjoyed amd I like his new friend XD And while I’m... mixed about the direction taken if only because it makes me sad, Leonard Nimoy returning as the Spock we’ve known or so long was lovely, especially when he and Quinto!Spock meet.

Some moments were good. I actually almost teared up when Kirk’s dad died because the actors just put so much emotion into it. I can’t say that there was no effort put into this. They tried to add emotion and meaning and depth. They tried to give Kirk and Spock (and yes, Bones being even MORE of a third wheel than normal REALLY pisses me off) depth and connect the audiences to them and form that connection with each other that we’re so familiar with. I respect that. I respect the effort. I’ve seen reboots that don’t give a damn, but it didn’t feel that way to me here especially with Nimoy!Spock showing that this may be different, but the original very much still exists.

That being said... I have some big issues, especially with Kirk. This is NOT James Tibirius Kirk. This is the pop culture depiction of Kirk that the filmmakers decided was better to go with than the actual character. And no, this being an alternate timeline and him being younger than in canon is NOT a valid excuse. I got told that the death of Kirk’s dad changed the course of history... but I fail to understand how THAT caused Kirk to be an arrogant, cocky, reckless idiot. Might be because his parents NEVER came up in the show so how can any TOS fans get that point if the show never went into it? I know I joke about Kirk doing something dumb, but TOS!Kirk was a perfectly smart, optimistic, level-headed individual who yeah WOULD go against Starfleet at times, but usually did so with good reason. Hell didn’t TOS say that he was overly serious int he academy amd lightened up as he got older? How did the timeline changes change that? Anyways! It felt like they wanted this Kirk to just be a standard action hero and didn’t bother to check if it fit the characterization, or do anything to justify the change aside from ‘different reality’. Like woth the Kobayashi Maru, it’s to emphasize Kirk’s cockiness here...when in WoK it emphasized Kirk’s optimism and hope. How he NEVER believed that there was a true no-win scenario. There was LWAYS a way. Don’t get me wrong, Kirk isn’t horrible and has the ability to become more like his TOS self, but first impressions are everything, and they failed here. Chris Pine was good though, I could actually picture how he played Steve Trevor in Wonder Woman fitting a Reboot Kirk pretty well but alas. Also his captaincy wasn’t earned nor is he mature enough to hold the position. It got handed to him because canon says so, and that is bullshit.

Spock was... fine. Far as characterization goes I don’t really have any issues. He’s not TOS Spock but again he shouldn’t be. It’s hard for me to find the words on how he’s different aside from being younger and seeming a little more resentful about the half-human, half-Vulcan thing, but it still works well enough. He and Sarek also seem on better terms in this continuity, and that I do like since it’s different, but consideirng the circumstances he needs that kind of solace and it allows exploration of their relationship in a more supportive light. Didn’t like Spock marooning Kirk like he did, but it does connect to his arc showing how emotional repression is affecting him, so ah well. I DO have issues with some of the directions taken though. His relationship with Uhura has no establishment nor development and comes across as being there for the sake of having a romance in there without the work. And no I’m not just saying that as a Spones/Spirk/McSpirk shipper. It WOULD have been fine if they actually WORKED ON DEVELOPING IT ON-SCREEN. And how did the timeline changes cause that when Uhura and him flirted like... once in TOS and it was one-sided on Uhura’s part anyways?! It sucks especially since I really like Reboot Uhura. I also don’t like them destroying Vulcan cause that feels like overkill on the angst, but at least they have an explanation for it. I DO however despise them killing Amanda and ESPECIALLY how they did it. Amanda is relegated tot he standard ‘pure hearted mom who we have to kill to hurt this character’ and considering how she died via a crumbling cliff just as transport started, the ‘changed timeline’ explanation is bull. Again I appreciate them trying to add more character stuff, but I very much disagree with the choices. But as far as the character himself is concerned, I was good with Spock andI did genuinely care for and feel bad for him.

Bones... oh baby you deserved so, SO much better. Characterization wise,he was the most like his TOS self. He comes across as more gruff than cranky,but that’s mainly due to Karl Urban being younger than DeForest Kelley. Otherwise he was funny, endearing, loyal to Jim, and Urban did a lovely job making the character his own but honoring his predecessor. Will also give them credit as Bones has a damn good reason to dislike Spock after he marooned Jim like he did. The film didnt give a damn about McCoy tbh, but we’ll get to that in a bit. But to put it short, I really liked Bones, but he REALLY needed more screentime which from what I can tell, isn’t gonna happen until Beyond. But as far as the character goes, I felt like they got his best though the lack of focus reason may very well be why that is. Very least I got fanon to satisfy my needs.

Now we get to my biggest criticism: The Triumvirate is non-existent here, nor does it form within the film. Again, I blame pop culture depiction as I imagine they went ‘we need Kirk and Spock to be close together and Bones is that guy who is Jim’s other best friend who has witty lines but ain’t Kirk and Spock so who cares?’. Which especially baffles me sonce the arguments Kirk and Spock have regaridng emotion? That’s MCCOY’S role. They got the Kirk and Spock relationship completely and utterly wrong. Nor do I feel like the film dod enough to form the relationship between the two. It just feels like they became friends because the plot said so, not out of genuine understanding and care. Kirk was one of, if not the first to accept Spock for who he was and respect him. That’s what made the relationship special. But their edforts to establish it here just fall flat because they made Kirk Spock’s opposite, aka McCoy’s role. McCoy is the one who challenges Spock. The one who pushes him to consider the emotional. He can be harsh, but it is a dynamic that worked. Kirk os their balance. The one who keeps the two in check and they in turn represented the two sides (mind and heart) that he (the body/soul) needed to make the proper decisions. But because of the choices made with Kirk and Bones, the balance is theown off. Spock is more or less fine but Bones loses his importance while Kirk has his character skewed to make it work. General audiences may not be able to tell, but as someone who just watched all of TOS and those films two weeks ago? I could, and it hurt the film significantly imo. Also kind of wish they emphasized that Spock ALSO needs Bones and the rest of the crew, not just Jim because emphasis on just one relationship ALWAYS annoys me, especially since again, they didn’t do well to form it here to begin with. So yeah they missed the aspect that made me love TOS, so needless to say I am displeased. I plan to do a full film review in the future so I won’t say how I’d improve it, especially since hindsight is 20/20, but yeah not happy.

Otherwise, the film is fine. Uhura, Scotty, Sulu,and Chekov are fine, the former two I especially enjoyed. The plot is fone. Nero is a boring villain but for a start, it’s okay. I didn’t like Vulcan’s destruction at alla nd what that means for Spock, but we’ll see how the other two films continue this. I don’t know how I feel about Prime Spock because it just makes me... depressed that he has to accept never going home (even if Bones and the others are dead it just feels... wrong) but I DO appreciate that they included Nimoy and he was just as fantastic as he had been all those years ago. I have so many problems with characterization and plot points, but tbf that’s from someone who just went through TOS. As far as a general audience goes, they likely won’t have that filter and some may be more of the ‘timeline changed so this stuff changed’ explanation than I, a media consumer who has seen this happen over and over again to varying degrees of success’, may be. Otherwise the film was fine. If you like action and want a blockbuster, this one is for you. But I’m in it for characterization and story and while the latter worked well enough in the general sense,t he former was severely lacking. So while it was okay and it got me excited/to laugh a few tomes, overall I didn’t care for the film. Will Into Darkness be any better? Well... from what I can tell no. But I also need to make my own judgements, so onward we go.

[gevejsbvdj]

Fine. Pt 1

Okay. I did NOT want to do this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to start something. When I made the announcement post, I thought that would be it. But a lot of you got really angry and reeeeally bitter about it, suspiciously enough. I am actually hoping that after I post this, I get an explanation and an apology. I tried to explain to these people time and time again about how I was hurt by this situation but they refused to listen. So here I am, spelling it the fuck out. Also, this account is dead anyways and i am so tired of keeping this to myself. I can’t do it anymore. 

That’s enough preamble for now, I’ll make more notes at the end. Let’s get onto the “situation” that was the final straw for me and inspired my complete leave. 

For comprehension purposes, this took place in the Crackerbox Palace discord server. 

For a warning, I’m pretty theatrical when stressed. If I joke here I’m sorry. I’m going to hold back on the humor. 

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, pedophilia, racism, and seizures. You have been warned.

It sounds disgustingly simple, but when I joke about this (to myself, because it’s better than crying about it), I say that me having a seizure was the cause of this all. It isn’t really, but- let me explain. 

I was alone, and I was chatting with the people in the server when suddenly- I just felt fucking weird. Initially, I was like “oh what the hell” until I realized that the weird sensation was actually familiar. It’s what people who have seizures call an “aura” or a “ting”, and it’s a numbing, buzzing sensation that’s kind of like an alarm bell that lets your body know what’s about to go down. And I have a habit (you can decide whether it’s good or bad) where I feel like I have to tell anyone around me that I’m going to have a seizure as SOON as I recognize the aura. Well like I said, I was alone. There was no one physically around me that I could tell, but I already had the chat open, fingers on my keyboard, I typed: I think I’m gonna have a seizure. Something like that. And I did. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The older I get, the less extreme my seizures are for the most part. I got a splitting headache for the next two days, but we’re getting it checked out! This is only context for what happened next. 

After that happened I eventually came to and as soon as my senses were recollected and my memory came back, I felt so embarrassed that I told my friends who I thought were super cool that I had a SEIZURE. But I noticed that Ley and Emma (in their genuine concern) were discussing seizures and how dangerous they could be, and was wondering if I was okay. I was honestly so relieved they weren’t laughing or anything like that. Vulture then responded saying “hey can you censor the word seizure, it’s a trigger.”, and so Ley and Emma did so. I was confused by this because I thought Vulture was saying it’s MY (me, a person who has them regularly) trigger, or that they were saying it was a trigger in general? I soon found out that it was a term on our “blacklist”, which makes sense.

So In our server, we had a channel (the prior mentioned blacklist channel) where people can suggest words and phrases to avoid. Phrases/topics that make you very uncomfortable, triggering, etc. Someone suggested that the name “Zack” be blacklisted because it’s the name of someone that manipulated them. And no, not Zach like me Zach, but Z-A-C-K, you know? Anyways, sometimes the sheltered southerner in me jumps out, and someone asking for that name to be blacklisted rocked my world! Even more so that the admins I worked with were willing to blacklist it. I thought, wait all this time I could have asked you all to blacklist a NAME that upsets me? I didn’t know I could do that. Never have I ever been in an environment where something like a name could be avoided to ensure my comfort. While THAT was what I was thinking, when I went to type it in the chat, it did not come off that way to vulture. Here’s what I said:

Vulture took what I said wrong, which is totally fair. Words fail me as they do everyone else, and looking back, I could have done better in explaining what I felt. I’m not blaming them for the misunderstanding, and I'm not even blaming me that much. It happens, man. But what got to me, was them accusing me of belittling or more so INVALIDATING the trigger. Me, someone actually has seizures, invalidating someone being triggered by them. Okay. Here was my response:

My response was unnecessarily snarky and I am still sorry for that. I thought I got better at thinking before speaking but it’s evident that it’s still something I need to work on. However, like I said I’ve never been one to accept it when someone’s trying to have an attitude with me. And no I’ll be the first to say that Vulture wasn’t explicitly rude to me, but I was gobsmacked that someone was trying to tell me how traumatic seizures are and accused me of invalidating them after I just said that I have them frequently. And that even after I explained what I meant, I was still met with an accusing response. Can you imagine if I went up to a homeless man and said “you have no right to invalidate my trauma with homelessness. I read matchbox girl.” Like okay? Also, yes that mod chat had a history with taking everything I said as aggressive or belligerent, hence my telling them to stop that. I was always met with a dismissive and antagonistic response. Remember that. I will get back to that. 

Because of Vulture’s immature response, I removed them as chat admin. Do I regret it? Halfway, yes. I should have pulled them to the side and spoke with them about what they did. But looking back on that, after seeing the things they’ve posted today? It’s probably for the best that they weren’t a part of the admin team. 

Andy (also known as shadowylemon here) and Cody are partners who also helped me run the server. They were admins,obviously. Andy asked me why I removed Vulture as Admin. I explained to him why, very civilly with the help of one of my friends because my response almost WASN'T. And to be frank, I ignored most of what he said because again I was being made to be the evil villain and I wasn’t being heard. So I ignored him. Also I was on a call so I wasn’t going to break my brain listening to ten people at once. I was so tired, my seizure happened like only a couple days prior and my head was still affected. 

I mulled over that whole ordeal for a bit until me and my friend (the same friend I mentioned earlier, who helped me with my response to Andy. Lenny. He also helped me mod there and was the original co-founder of the server) came to the conclusion that the mods were too young. We need an age limit. So I told them, like “hey you guys are fine for now but I think that in the future, we should start having the mods be older”.

 At this point I’m super careful with the way I word things. I’m always like that to be honest, as a black (visual-wise, a female) female you learn real quick that you’re the angry one in every situation unless you learn to talk super duper civil. But I didnt think I had to be that way in THAT server, you know? I thought I was safe there. Apparently not. Anyway-

I was met with, again, an aggravated “how dare you” type response from Cody. Which was okay with me, still is. When you work with someone in a group, you’re not going to agree with them all the time. So we were having a pretty civil, short lived back and forth until I mentioned that we tone it down on blacklisting every word. I suggested earlier to blacklist the word “blue” to see how far they would take it and they literally blacklisted it. I didn’t get to say this then, but I’m actually against over censoring, even if it’s supposedly for someone’s mental health. I have ADHD, RSD, on the damn spectrum, all that good stuff, so don’t come for me. But if you’re wanting to avoid words like blue, or a very common name, that is not my responsibility. That is your therapist. The server had people in there who- well English wasn’t their first language, and adding more barriers to their language is, I feel, very inconsiderate.

 Cody started to threaten to delete the blacklisting channel all together and was acting really panicky. AGAIN (if I can find the screenshots, I will share) I was met with a very victimizing, whiny response. Like come on now. I told them to please do not make me the aggressor or I will leave.

No response. 

So the rest of us were just getting ready to start a call and play some games until we noticed something. 

Channels, titles and colors, and nearly everything was being deleted. 

By who? Andy and Cody. This is just one screenshot. I wouldn’t include what’s over ten i have saved on my phone.

I was afraid that they got hacked and was being made to delete them. Until I thought “wait...it’s funny how they’re the only mods that are being ‘hacked’ while the rest of us were left alone. RIGHT after I just had a disagreement with them. Oh my god is this a tantrum.” The server then echoed my concerns. Please don’t be a tantrum. We noticed they left and so I dmed Andy. I said “Why” and he blocked me. That confirmed that it was indeed a tantrum. A tantrum because I IMPLIED that they were being micro aggressive towards me. Alright. 

Me and the server joined a sort of conference call where we discussed what happened and they asked me questions as well as talked about what our next move was. At the time, I thought I was being dramatic because my breathing was super labored, and my face was super hot, and my heart was pounding. I was furious. There was a tiny voice telling me that ‘hey, you’re mad because after you told them that you were uncomfortable and upset with them treating you like an unhinged angry person, they did all this shit’ but I ignored it. 

That is a common theme with me. I know a lot of you think I’m using my race as a weapon and that I call everything racist, but I HATE calling things racial discrimination for that exact reason. I don’t wanna look sensitive, or get called a snowflake. I honestly used to be a self-loathing black person, and you could hurl slurs at my face and I’ll excuse it. My friend group in the 9th grade was mainly racist white people. I’m so glad I grew out of that nonsense but damn some of that toxic mentality stuck with me to the point I never wanted to acknowledge when someone was biased against me. 

I mean, how could it be any more clear? Do I think that Andy and Cody are racist? Of. Course. Not. I think that’s why a lot of you got so mad at me when you realized that what you did was microaggressions rooted in racial bias. Because you thought I was calling you a RACIST.  I’ve had white people who will march with me during protests say and some really off-putting shit the next day. You can be an ally and make mistakes. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. None of us is. You have to allow yourself to make errors, and be confronted. Running away cursing and kicking rocks just tells me that you don’t want to listen to black people. 

But anyway, we attempted to move on from the childish ordeal and I enlisted the help of new people to help me mod since we were short two, and could have used the help anyway. 

We were doing alright, really. One day, though, Joane messaged me saying that Vulture wanted to apologize and wanted to talk. And I was like great now's the perfect time to talk to them like I should have the first time, but wrongly didn’t. So I told Joane to dm me. 

Well, Joane sent me a screenshot of some of hers and Vultures conversation.

As you can see I initially did feel willing to apologize and speak to vulture. Because like I said earlier, my snarky response was UNNECESSARY. However, Joane joining in the discussion with her “I can’t understand him which frustrates me lmao” peeved me. As did Vulture acting like I’m unhinged. While I didn’t need to make the “imma blacklist lmao and lol since it bothers you so much” comment at ALL, it wasn’t that deep….at all. Vulture has a habit of virtue signalling too. Their comment “I’m patient and forgiving” is an example. 

While I was annoyed initially, I soon felt pretty hurt that Joane would say that about me behind my back? It made me wonder if there was more she didn’t show me. Joane was a really good friend and I loved her a lot so I was extra sensitive about it. I’ve never spoken ill about her behind her back. 

Now, this is a recurring theme in this post but let me say now: I am aware that no one is OBLIGATED to treat me a certain way because I was nice to them. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt? Talking negatively about someone isn’t a problem, but having them think you’re their friend while doing so is. You know? It’s very deceiving, but in Joane’s case, only slightly deceiving. 

So I just didn’t speak to her for a bit. I was already annoyed at having to re-build my server because of a couple of teenagers having a tantrum, as well as things that were happening in my personal life. Also, the news was no damn help at all, you all know. But I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day and I...I hated it haha. I don’t like avoiding people when I’m frustrated, and after I saw what happened with Vulture when I did the same thing, I should know better. Plus I felt bad. Joane was still a friend, and I wanted to get to the bottom of things. 

I’m not going to include every little screenshot and whatnot, but I messaged her like hey what’s up let’s finish our discussion. Because I thought that at that point, I had my head screwed on a bit better. 

During our discussion, I eventually showed Joane me and vultures conversation, and she acted astonished that Vulture didn’t show her all the context, and even said that they were being irrational. This was after I told her that after everything Andy and Cody did, they made a server with Vulture to which she informed me that she was aware, and she was invited. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think vulture was being irrational. While I said it’s no excuse, PTSD can make us say and do pretty wild things, and calling someone like that irrational feel like ableist language. 

So me and Joane had a little moment. I apologized to her, and she apologized to me.

I was sure that after we both had our respective breaks, that we would be good to continue our friendship like normal. Just a bump in the road. It happens

That was until I got a certain anon from Vulture. 

She asked me why we were done, but when I went to ask her “what in the world did you say to them” she blocked me.

Sorry I keep showing me messaging them, I just don’t wanna get lied to or something again. 

I was really sad about that. I went to bed, and when I woke up, I was still sad. Joane was telling me one thing, and Vulture another thing. She was changing her opinion on a person depending on who she was talking to. It was dizzying and disingenuous and I didn’t even get to talk it out with her because she blocked me. Which was really suspicious. She told me that she would be taking a break from the server and that she still respected me as a friend, but went to vulture and told them that I treated her like SHIT, or at least acted enough like a victim to make them accuse me of that. I’m sorry, but where in the world did I do that? If me confessing to someone that they hurt me is the same thing as treating them like shit, then fuck man a lot of us are assholes. 

Wow, look at me treat her like shit. Absolute garbage right?

I wasn’t even being completely honest to Joane about my feelings for that reason. Because of accusations like this. Another instance of someone taking literally me being normal and civil as being AGGRESSIVE. Vulture, I’m sorry for accusing you of utilizing white girl tears. I accused the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. 

I went to our #vent channel on the server and told whoever was online and whoever was listening about the whole ordeal, and how HURT I felt because I was literally played by this girl. And I was accused of basically being abusive. Treated her like shit? Cmon man…

But another user in the server, as it turns out, had a similar experience with Joane, and provide in-depth screenshots. Which made me even madder, so we kept venting about the situation. 

Also, because of a couple of dms, and because the more I ranted, the more pained I got, I felt compelled to say the following, NOW LISTEN CLOSELY:

I first prefaced my concerns by saying “I AM BY NO MEANS CALLING JOANE A GROOMER”. That was fucking useless of me to say because- okay I’m getting ahead of myself. 

So I was saying (and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I know. But like I said, it was in the heat of the moment and I got a dm that made me feel bad) that it was strange how as soon as someone young and innocent was present, Joane would cling to them in an obsessive way. I’m not the only one who noticed that, and even one of the younger users in question agreed to my statement. 

Listen fucking closely. I don’t think Joane is a sexual predator at ALL. That’s why I had that warning before I said anything in the chat. I do, though, think that if you’re a grown adult and you’re obsessed with being friends with people who are as young as 14, that it’s concerning, not in a sexual way, but in a power dynamic way. I’m only 19 and I honestly don’t get older people who become besties with much younger people. I was “friends” with the users as well, but I was a mentor/brother/dad more than anything. Do you understand? When I was 15, I’ve had people who were 20 and older become my friend and dump their adult problems onto me, as well as expect adult reactions and responses out of me. It was stressful and damaging and I did not want that happening to anyone else, especially the younger people in the chat. Okay? Okay. 

That being said, my protectiveness is a major flaw of mine. Oh my god, do I take it too far sometimes, man. I didn’t want really young teenagers (13-16) to have a serious relationship with an adult because of what happened to me, and I didn’t want Joane to play and hurt anyone else the way she did me and my other friend. So I went into the announcements channel and told the users to read what we’ve been saying in regard to Joane and come up with your own decision. I did not have to do that, I can sit here and say that the things that transpired the past few days really took a toll on me whatever blah blah blah. But I could have kept it in vent, really. And the dumb thing is, that before I sent that message in announcements, I was literally telling myself that THIS is a bad idea. GOD, Zach. But I was at work, it was the last day before holidays started, and I was feeling super protective and I wasn’t thinking and- well yeah. 

During all of this, I was having a conversation with vulture in Tumblr dms. I gathered the courage to finally dm them after receiving the anon. That conversation was on my old Tumblr, so I don’t have a screenshot of the key points, but I typed my starting message in notes, and this is what I said:

“Hi vulture. I don’t want to be here for long but I just wanna ask: why? You accused me of invalidating a trigger and even after I told you that’s not what I meant you still went off on me? You’re mad at me about an inaccurate perception and it really upset me. I’ve been terrified of talking to you specifically because I’ve been dealing with micro aggressions from you, Andy, and Cody and it’s really been wearing me down. And when I told Andy and Cody about their treatment of me, they deleted shit from my server and leave? How do you think that makes me feel as a black person? Makes me never want to talk about my feelings ever again out of the fear of being antagonized. I’m sorry I was snarky towards you, if you didn’t like my remark about “lmao” and “lol”. I agree it was immature. But don’t forget you came at me first. If you’re willing to further discuss this with me then great, which I am sure you are seeing that you asked me to on anon. I finally gathered the courage to contact you so let’s do this.”

We had a brief conversation. Vulture dismissing my microaggressions concerns but really- it happens so much that at that point I was so numb to it. Also a little bit “it’s not about your race. Remember when I…” more virtue signalling. Bleh. But after all, I did thank them for actually wanting to talk to me. Andy didn’t wanna do it. Cody didn’t wanna do it. Joane didn’t want to. Vulture did. And I appreciate that to this day, after everything. I can always admire that about someone. 

It ended prematurely because of me. I was at work and got distracted by that as well as by what happened in the server next. 

Emma sent a pretty long message basically calling all of us out for “bullying Joane” and talking ill of her behind her back, as well as announcing that she would be leaving the server and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves. This was right after someone confessed that Joane made him feel uncomfortable with constant flirting. I admitted that I should not have put the message In announcements, but guys.

I went off. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was sick of trying to be docile and sweet. I didn’t care if I would be portrayed as the angry black again I DID NOT CARE. Bullying Joane? Me talking about how she hurt me is bullying? Let’s look up what that means. 

Yeah okay. That’s incorrect usage, right? I didn’t even call Joane names. I didn’t persistently harass her. I spoke about what she did to me in distaste, but I was done with her as a friend at that point, and she knew that, so was not going behind her back. I wasn’t being predatory towards her. And I definitely wasn’t being AGGRESSIVE or BLUSTERING. Emma was using broad pronouns and terms (you guys, you all, etc) but I knew she was talking about me, as I was the most prominent in my venting about Joane due to my situation with her happening just yesterday. I sent the most messages, I- while wrong in doing so- posted the announcements. That message primarily was directed towards me. When I say that microaggressions tear you down, it tears you THE FUCK down. 

That being said, I did cuss Emma out (she wasn’t present when I went off, but still) and cussed out everyone who agreed with her. I was so blinded by rage and hurt I don’t even remember at all what I said. One line that sticks out to me though is “y’all saw a white girl crying and thought oh man we can’t have that” and that’s a mantra I’ve repeated a couple of times when I find myself in scenarios such as this one. 

But- I do regret going off like that. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t justified slightly, though. I don’t expect any of you to understand completely what I went through, but please try. I regret going off like that, though. And I’m sorry. 

I guess I was also upset because I was JUST in a good mood? I was literally singing to myself all happy and shit, but Emma’s inconsiderate message threw me off. It’s making me even more upset now that I know why she said that. She wasn’t the only person to tell me I should be ashamed of myself for manipulating (yes, MANIPULATING) Joane. 

I dmed Emma in an attempt to fix things, but i gave up quickly. I was too raw with emotions anyways. So I mournfully told her that we probably should’t be friends anymore, to which she responded

Carelessly?...ouch.

From the moment Joane dmed me about Vulture, and the moment Emma sent that message, all of that transpired within three days. Three fucking days and THAT much happened. It was taking a toll on me, that’s not even counting Andy and Cody’s tantrum. 

I was in a dark place, still am. I made a post saying that I was going to take a break from Tumblr and then made one saying that I was going to kill myself in the tags. Not exclusively because of all this, of course. So. Much. Bullshit. Happens to me on a daily basis. Abusive parents. Sexual assault. Racism that’s actually violent. Dying relatives. So much. I’m crying as I type this it’s just so much. In real life, I have no friends. Not even fake acquaintances. Yes, I cut off all those people because they were extremely toxic, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no one. That server was my escape. Parents fighting? Open discord. Mental spiral? Discord is there. Just had a seizure? Don’t worry, you have friends. And now I don’t. And all because of some dumb shit that wouldn’t probably have happened if two kids didn’t get mad at ME because THEY were ignorant. I know it’s not good to rely on a server to improve your mental health, but I couldn’t help it. I was desperate. And I really did think so highly of everyone in that chat. I loved them.

I received a couple asks that night saying that I don’t have to hurt myself, I’m loved, all that. Very kind messages. And right when I was going to delete the post (I was so embarrassed for posting it), I got a message from ley that read something like “I don’t agree with what you said at ALL but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill yourself or leave” something along those lines. I thought, really? You couldn’t just say you didn’t want me to leave and have it at that? 

I really don’t want to make it seem like I posted something so graphic for attention, man. I can’t stand that manipulation tactic and I don’t want that harmful stigma about suicidal people to be encouraged. 

But Ley’s message threw me off. Agree with what I...huh? Then it pissed me off

So I deleted my account. And fell off the face of the earth for 15 days. 

[xjoiexgabriel]

Who: Gabe Beiste, @vincechambers and @franniexfabs

Where Frat House

When: 2/5/20

What: Frannie comes over to see Myles

Gabe knew Frannie was coming over and though he had seen how her and Vince got along some, he was still unsure about how this would all go down. For now, he was sitting in the living room of the frat with Myles as he played and ran about screaming his little screams. Gabe couldn't help but smile at it. It was rather cute.

Vince was nervous to have Frannie coming over. Sure he was getting along a little better with her, but that was just because it was baseball talk. Vince still wasn't sure about the whole situation when it came to her time with Myles. He sat on the floor with his back up against the couch, playing with Myles. He smiled watching him run off with one of the balls they were playing with. "Throw it here!" Vince said, making grabby hands for Myles to throw it to him.

Frannie had finally been feeling better, after declining her time to see Myles on Saturday because of how awful she was with some sickness. It had been over a week since she’d last seen Myles and she was very ready to see him again. Walking up to the frat, she tossed her phone into her purse and drew a breath in before opening the door. The sight she was greeted with caused her to freeze for a moment. She couldn’t help but think she had a deer in the headlines look about her as she saw Vince playing with Myles. She didn’t even know that he would be around right now... Forcing herself to unfreeze, she cleared her throat and placed a big smile on her face. “Hi Myles!” She spoke up before glancing at Gabe and Vince. “Hi..”

Gabe heard the door open and smiled to see Frannie there as Myles was running the ball to Vince and then running away with it again. "Hey Frannie." he smiled. "Vince, Frannie, Frannie, vince." He knew his boyfriend might not be the happiest about things but that didnt matter. All the mattered now was Myles and him getting to be around all those that love him.

Vince laughed as Myles ran away from him again as he tried to get the ball. "Hey Mister!" Vince said playfully to the baby before he heard the voice. His heart immediately sunk since he had no idea Frannie was coming over and he was most definitely not prepared to be meeting her today. "Hi." He said, offering as best of a smile as he could before shooting Gabe a look saying 'why didn't you tell me she was coming over?'.

Frannie nodded, still smiling as she glanced between Myles, Gabe, and Vince. “Yeah, I think. we know who we are...” She tried to joke, letting out a laugh but quickly clearing her throat again. “How- How are you all?” Like she was surprised to see Vince, the blonde had a sinking suspicion that Vince didn’t know she was coming.

Gabe grabbed Myles as he ran by, putting the little boy over his shoulder as he screamed and laughed. "I'm good, you can see that goober here is good too. Being a crazy kid." Gabe playfully patting his diaper. "How are you Frannie?"

Vince smiled watching Gabe grab Myles with the baby screaming happily in return her glanced to Frannie and smiled a little to her. "I'm alright." He told her, sitting back against the couch again, bringing his legs up to his chest and his arms around his legs since he wasn't playing anymore.

Frannie nodded, still trying to smile at all three of them as they were before her. Something about seeing them all together made her feel so out of place. Was it too late to reschedule? Yes, Frannie, it was. “That’s good, really good to hear.” Adjusting the bag on her shoulder, she chewed on the inside of her cheek. “What are you all up to right now?”

"Just letting Myles run and play before dinner and all." Gabe setting the little boy down as he ran over to Frannie with his ball in hand. "I wouldn't trust him, he'll just want it back. Come and sit down, enjoy. He's just being a crazy little boy." Myles then running off to Vince and turning to sit on his lap.

Vince nodded his head at what Gabe said. He smiled watching Myles run back towards him and moved his legs back down so Myles could sit in his lap. "Come see if he'll throw it to you." Vince said to Frannie, trying to include her. "Can you throw the ball to her like we've been practicing?" Vince asked Myles, giving him a silly face as the boy looked up at him.

Frannie smiled from ear to ear when Myles ran up to her, fighting her instinct to reach down and pull him into a big hug. She nodded, moving closer and unbuttoning her coat. She set her things down on the ground and sat relatively near Myles against another couch in the room. “Are you going to throw it to me?” She asked the small boy. “I don’t know if i’ll be able to catch it! I think you’re too skilled for me!”

Gabe sat back, though his fingers ran through Vince's hair softly, only leaning forward to whisper to him as Myles tried to throw the ball. "Sorry, I thought i had told you, please don't be mad." Leaning back, he smiled to Frannie. "Yeah, Vince has got him throwing those speed balls"

Vince leaned into the other's touch before letting out a hum in response, not wanting to talk about it right now. "He's gonna be a professional ball player." Vince said proudly as Myles threw the ball to Frannie.

Frannie shifted slightly and caught the ball that Myles threw. "That was amazing, Myles!" She beamed as she rolled the ball back to him. "It would be amazing if he was in the MLB... especially if he played for the Cubs." She snickered, glancing between Gabe and Vince.

Gabe rolled his eyes. "I am so out numbered with this. Good thing football is my thing and I play baseball for fun." Winking to his boyfriend and then to Frannie. "So the cubs huh? Why the cubs?"

Vince nodded his head a little in agreement. HE kept his eyes down on Myles, smiling at him as he looked back up to him. "You can keep playing with her." He told him with a smile.

Frannie chewed on her lip for a moment as she watched Vince interact with Myles. She drew a breath in before replying to Gabe. "Uh, well, I haven't been a fan my whole life... But I went to Chicago when I was in high school and went to a game and just basically fell in love with Wrigley Field, and then well, I started learning more and more about the team so I couldn't help it." She smiled at Myles and waved softly. "Go ahead... I'll catch it again!"

Gabe sat back and just watched and listened to the boys he loved start to play with and get along with Frannie. "Well then, I'm out numbered and I guess we'll have to let him wear Cubs more often." Leaning down to kiss Vince's cheek.

Vince smiled at Gabe saying he'd get Myles in Cubs gear more often. "It's because he looks adorable in Cubs gear." Vince said, holding Myles' waist as he stood up to throw the ball.

Frannie shifted in her spot across from the three, trying to feel more comfortable in the position. But really, her being uncomfortable had nothing to do with how she was physically sitting... and everything to do with her trying to watch Gabe, Vince, and Myles interact with each other like a little family. Meanwhile she was detached and struggling to see how she could possibly fit in there. Nodding, she shrugged her shoulders a bit. “I’m sure he does... and it’s because the Cubs are the best team.” She snickered briefly before catching the ball again. “That was even better, Myles!”

Gabe shook his head but he wasn't going to fight them on it. It didn't really matter that much to him what his son wore when it came to baseball. Now football, that wasn't up for discussion. Watching Frannie and Myles play, he just grinned to himself. He could see a future with them all in it.

Vince smiled a little, letting Myles go once he caught his balance. "Fair warning, he's fast." Vince told Frannie as Myles started to walk towards her. He looked back to Gabe and gave him a small smile.

Frannie smiled big at Myles as he started making his way over towards her. “You want the ball back?” She asked, holding it out towards him. Her heart was conflicted in feeling overjoyed to see Myles walking and also terrified and sad  at how she had missed him taking his first steps.

Gabe slipped down to sit on the floor and moved Vince to his lap as he held him and kissed his cheek. Myles took the ball then threw it to Frannie with a giggle.

Vince moved onto the other’s lap, wrapping Gabe’s arms around his waist tighter. He leaned back into him, watching Myles with Frannie.”

Frannie tried to keep her sights on Myles as she caught the ball again, but glanced over at Gabe and Vince for a second. She reconfigured how she was by the other couch so she was sitting on her feet, hoping that it would give her more reach for the ball with Myles. She rolled the ball back towards the small boy. "I think I can see a pitcher's arm in the making."

Gabe was glad to have Vince there in his arms as Myles played with Frannie. "Yeah, I can see that too but I think its more for throwing touchdowns the throwing fast balls." Teasing them both at once as he kissed Vince's cheek.

Vince stayed where he was in Gabe's lap, just watching Myles interact with his mom. He was still hesitant about everything but it wasn't his place to say anything. Vince just shrugged at the idea of both, not wanting to start an argument at all.

Frannie snickered slightly at Gabe’s reply, still trying her best to ignore how all over each other the pair were. Maybe it was just her, but the PDA was almost suffocating. “I don’t think I would mind him being good at multiple sports. I’ve heard that happen before. Either way, he’ll have support as long as plays for the right teams.” She nodded, cracking a smile. “I’m kidding, of course.”

"He can dance if he wants, we'll all be there to support him and yeah, I mean, I play a lot of sports and do gymnastics." Gabe shrugged. At the mention of the right teams, he rolled his eyes but smiled still. "Agreed. So no Cubs." Knowing how his boyfriend would react, he was ready for it as he made a teasing grin to them both.

Vince nodded along, not really minding what Myles ended up doing as long as he was happy. He turned his head to look at Gabe and gave him a look. "If he wants to play for the Cubs, he can."

Frannie let out another snicker at Gabe’s quip. “The Cubs would be lucky to have him. He deserves an amazing spot on an amazing team like that too.” She caught the ball as Myles threw it again and rolled it back, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Yeah they would." Gabe sighed. He went silent as he watched him play with Frannie until he started to rub his eyes and come back to the boys. Gabe picked him up, Myles lying his head on his shoulder. "Tired, little man?" Rocking him a bit.

"I'm gonna get some water." Vince said, kissing Gabe's cheek before getting up to go get something to drink. He really just needed some time to comprehend everything going on since Gabe hadn't told him Frannie was coming over. He took a moment before coming back, seeing Myles resting his head on Gabe's shoulder. "Someone's sleepy."

Frannie drew a breath in as she watched Myles move back over to Gabe and Vince. Running her hand over her hair, she noticed the small boy's tired look as he found comfort on Gabe's shoulder. She scanned the floor and pulled her purse near her. "I, uh, I'll go so he can rest..."

Gabe wanted to let her have a chance but he knew they had to have time to build that bond once more. He didn't push, neither of them. Nodding some, Gabe stood and bounced the little boy still in his arms. "Okay. Myles can you blow kiss and wave bye bye." Little boy doing his best to do so. "It was nice, doing this. Looking forward to doing it more."

Vince stayed back, just letting the two talk since he didn't want to get in the way and really didn't have anything to say at all. He smiled watching Myles do his best, proud of him in doing so. "Good job." Vince told him softly so he wouldn't interupt the others.

Frannie stood up and moved a bit closer so that Myles could see her. "Bye, Myles... I had a lot of fun with you." She said, reaching out and tucking a small piece of his hair behind his ear. "It was, yeah. So am I. I, uh, ... I'll see you guys around." She put her jacket on and tied it tightly while grabbing her purse and waving before leaving the house.

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Sad Song (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: I am sorry this took long and I hope by the time I wrote and post this you are no longer sad anon. Inspired fully by Sad Song by We The Kings and also because I'm feeling sad and emotional tonight. And its a bit short, sorry. Just about 5k+ long. Sorry if its a bit ridiculous since Im a bit rusty now. ahaha

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

A/N: I cant just keep a good thing to myself, so for those who are looking for a variety and affordable BTS and KPOP merchandise. visit this link right here okay

"I love Taehyung..," her teary brown eyes blinked once. "I... I sincerely love him and I cant live without him,"

Y/N look at the beautiful idol standing in front of her whose eyes is filled with tears, trying hard not to blink her tears. She dont know why the girl is crying when she should be the one bawling her eyes out. Y/N keeps looking. Looking at the girl who is telling her, no, confessing to her that she is in love with Kim Taehyung.

Her boyfriend of 8 years, Kim Taehyung.

"W-why are you telling me all this?"

"Y/N... I know," she released a heavy breath. "I know you know about us. About me and Taehyung. And trust me Y/N, its never my intention to hurt you,"

Y/N almost scoffed at her statement. Not her intention? And so what? She should received a medal for that?

"Y/N... I love him. And I am not going to ask you to leave him. Or to give him to me. Nor do I want to steal Taehyung from you. I just really love him. I fell in love and I cant live without him,"

"Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Y/N... I know its not possible to leave Taehyung. Someone like him.. how can anyone lose him? Especially you, who have been together with him for so long," she took a step forward and Y/N immediately took a step back.

The girl sigh.

"I dont want to fight with you. Or be on a bad term with you Y/N. I love Taehyung and you know he loves me too. But there is no doubt he also loves you. So I guess... what I'm trying to say is... can... can you share a piece of his love with me?"

"What?"

"I want to share his love with you Y/N. I want to share Kim Taehyung,"

/////

"Does she make you happy? As happy as I used to?" Y/N's voice quiver as the question leave her mouth, afraid of the answer. Her back might be turned fron looking at Taehyung, but she can feel his sharp gaze bore through her back.

"Y/N... can you please atleast look at my face?" His deep voice soften as she heard him walked forward, his warmth closing in. "Please?"

Y/N didnt budge. How could she face him when her heart is breaking.

"Y/N..." Taehyung reached out and turn her around, lifting her chin to look at him.

"J-just tell me Tae..," her voice barely above a whisper.

"I dont want to lose you Y/N. I love you. You know that," Taehyung sigh as he carressed her face softly.

"How about her?"

"You know I love her too..," Taehyung admit softly, not wanting to hurt her more. "But I dont want to lose you Y/N..." he repeated again, making his point clear.

Y/N doesnt understand. How can anyone says he love someone and another at the same time? How can that sacred feeling be torn and shared into two? Is it possible? Is she the one who is the selfish one, the stupid one, to reserve all her love for just one special person?

For Taehyung?

"I..." Y/N looks down. She wanted to say no. She is going to tell him that its over. That he cheated. That he betrayed her love, their love of 8 years and fell in love with someone else. That he hurt her. That his request for her to accept all this is selfish and just plain ridiculous. She wanted to scream, hit him, curse him and just cry until she cant anymore. But  as her mouth is about to open, her eyes lifted and it fall straight into Taehyung's brown ones. His familiar brown eyes. His eyes that is filled with memories and love. His eyes that make her fall in love in the first place.

"Good morning princess," his beautiful smile greeted her as she opened her eyes. "I cant believe I am going to wake up to this face from now on until forever," Taehyung whisper and kisses her, making Y/N giggle with surprise.

The first day they moved in together.

Their first day to forever.

"I love you Y/N,"

"Why?" She turns and faced him. She will never be tired of looking at his handsome face.

"No specific reason princess. You are just my everything. With you I feel alive. Without you I feel empty, lonely. Without you I am not a whole. You are the melody in my life. The rhythm, the emotions, the lyrics, everything," Taehyung tuck a strand of her loose hair behind her ear. "You Y/N. You are the song to my life... and without you.. well, without you I am just a sad, lonely song,"

Y/N smile as her heart fluttered wildly. Taehyung is her life, her love, her everything. And the way he looks at her right now, she will give up everything to see it forever.

"And you, you are the song to my life too Kim Taehyung, and I promise, I will make it a happy song forever,"

"Y/N?"

Y/N was brought back to reality at the sound of his voice. Her cheeks already dampen with the tears she didnt even realized has rolled down her cheeks.

All the things she had rehearsed in her head earlier, all the things she wanted to say to him disappeared. It hurts, but she cant do it.

Taehyung is her song.

And what is her life without a song?

"I... Tae," Y/N looks at him. "I love you so much Tae. I'll do it. I rather share you than lose you. I'll do it,"

/////

Y/N doesnt know how this works. How it should work. Are they both his girlfriend now? Can Taehyung really love them both? Can Taehyung be fair? Is she allowed to be hurt? Is she allowed to cry? Is she supposed to ignore all the marks on his body or the many nights he didnt come back?

How does this work?

Y/N will never understand.

Its even worse when the two of them are an idol and she is just an ordinary girl living a normal life. In the public eyes, Taehyung and Maysaa are the number one couple eventhough Taehyung belong to Y/N first. She wanted to tell everyone that Taehyung is hers. That he belong to her first. But she cant. Their relationship ear never made public and it seems it will never be now.

No girl should ever see her own boyfriend kisses another girl so openly.

No girl should ever see her own boyfriend goes on a date with another girl so openly.

No girl should ever have to come back home to sit in the living room crying while her ears are filled with the sound of her own boyfriend making love to another girl so openly.

And no girl should ever hear her own boyfriend say I love you to another girl, and mean it.

Pain and hurt is an understatement with what Y/N is feeling everyday. Maysaa is a friendly girl and she never deny Y/N's right towards Taehyung. But how friendly can a feeling be towards a girl who begged you to share your boyfriend with her. Towards the girl you have to see kissing and hugging your boyfriend in public everyday? Towards the girl who you knew you boyfriend love, care and adore?

Y/N cant deny that Taehyung tried his best to be fair. To make her happy, to make her feel love. He takes her out on dates, secret dates, on days that he is off schedule. They still spend their time cuddling at home while having a domestic movie night, or soend the night cooking and just talking to each other, just like they used to.

And their nights together...

Their nights together is still as passionate as before, although Y/N had to pushed every single thoughts about Maysaa and what Taehyung most probably did with her too.

Does Taehyung look at her with love as he lay her down too?

Does Taehyung kiss her softly as his hands strip her off her clothing?

Does Taehyung whisper those soft I love yous as he thrust into her?

The pain is there, oh, how itd always there, but Y/N like to believe that their love is stronger. Afterall, Taehyung is her song, and she is Taehyung's. They have something special and it will stay that way.

Their endless night together whenever Taehyung is off schedule proof that their love is still just as strong as before when weeks later Y/N start to feel nausea, fatigue and suffered endless vomitting. The two blue line on the tenth test she took that day finally confirmed what she has been suspecting.

But will Taehyung be happy? Or angry? What about Maysaa? How does this whole thing works now that shes pregnant with Taehyung's child?

She should be happy, ecstatic even. She is having a baby with the love of her life. That someone that she always wanted a family, a future with. That someone that she love with all her life.

That someone who is another person's boyfriend to the public.

After contemplating for a week, Y/N decide to finally tell Taehyung. Whatever his reaction is, Y/N swear she will do whatever it takes to protect her baby. The little human in her tummy is her priority now.

Never would she have thought that Taehyung's face would break into a grin and scooped her up in a huge hug, swinging her around.

"Y-you are not angry Tae?" Y/N asked after her initial shock.

"Angry? Princess why would I be angry?" Taehyung laugh. A loud, joyful  laugh. "I'm so so so happy princess! I'm going to be a father, and the baby is going to be perfecr because princess, you are the mother! I love you so much princess," Taehyung's grin grows wider, if that is even possible, and kisses her softly. "I promise princess. I will take care of you and our baby. Theres nothing to be worried about Princess. I love you,"

/////

"Arghhhhhhh!"

"Whats the problem now?" Hyera looks up from her phone as Maysaa enters their dressing room and throw around everything everywhere. The other group members are already used to the spoiled maknae's behaviour.

"That bitch is pregnant!"

"Which bitch? Theres so many bitches in our life. All of you included," Mia,  another band member laughs as she point to the others. Maysaa roll her eyes. She has no time for jokes! This is serious. How can Taehyung make that girl pregnant?! She dont even think that they sleep together. Yeah sure, Taehyung slept with her, of course he should be sleeping with that girl too, since they are supposed to be "fair" and what not. But she didnt think to the point of making her pregnant! Is Taehyung going to love her less when she has the baby?

"Taehyung's whore! Who else!"

"Okay... and the problem is?" The other girl sound confused. "She is his girlfriend isnt it. I mean.. you came out with this weird ass arrangement to share the dude, which I found to be ridiculous and stupid. And I know you skipped sex ed and all, but having sex and being in a relationship does make one pregnant,"

"And look at Taehyung. Hr is a hottie!Who doesnt want him as a baby daddy?" Hyera add on and giggle, making Maysaa more fired up that her sisters are not seeing the seriousness of the problem.

"Urghhh guys! This is serious! She cant be pregnant! I never even thought she would agree to this arrangement in the first place! But with this happening... What if Taehyung love me less once the baby is born? I cant let that happen! I cant lose Taehyung. I cant!" Maysaa is getting hysteric. She is scared. Losing Taehyung is something she cant ever imagined!

"Okay. Okay. Jeez, calm down," Mia roll her eyes. "So what are you planning to do?"

"I need to get pregnant too,"

"What?!" All eyes turn to her. They are a group of uprising idol right now, and having one member pregnant, especially the maknae, will definitely slow down their rising success.

"Relax, not real pregnant. Fake pregnant!" Maysaa happily cheered, as the others gave her confused looks.

"Eloborate please,"

"Well, I just need to tell Tae that I'm pregnant too, but I still want to keep it from the media. Then he will give his attention to me, because you know, hes so sweet and all," Maysaa giggles and the others scoff. "Then, right before the baby is supposed to be born, when Taehyung is already so in love with the baby, I will do something that will look like the bitch did something to me that cause me to misscarriage. Tae will hate her for killing his baby, and he will love me forever because I am just a sad girl who lost a baby! Great idea isnt it?" Maysaa squeal.

"Uh... thats just evil. But, how do you fake a pregnancy? How about your checkup and all? If Taehyung is as sweet as you say he is, he will want to follow you to those doctors appointments," Hyera questioned.

"Well... do you remember my doctor? Doctor Hua? The doctor who did all my three abortions in secret? Ill ask him to help. Its all set!"

"I dont know Maysaa... dont you think thats not fair to both Tae and Y/N?" Mia sounded worried. Maysaa glares at her sister. They are supposed to be on her side!

"I dont care Mia. Taehyung is mine and he will be mine and only mine forever!"

/////

"B-but Tae.. cant you stay with me for a while longer? I dont feel so good. I think theres something wrong," Y/N rubs her stomach, feeling uncomfortable. Taehyung leans down and kisses the huge bump. She is 7 months in now. Taehyung cant believe that he has two beautiful girlfriends, and both of them pregnant at the same time?

Taehyung cant help but grinned. He loves kids and now hes going to get two at the same time.

He admits its hard being a busy idol with two pregnant lovers, especially with Maysaa who is always needing his attention all the time. Because of that, he is grateful for Y/N. Y/N always gives in to Maysaa. Going to her checkup alone and handling most of her pregnancy alone since she knows Maysaa needed him more.

Y/N is great and Taehyung told hinself over and over again that he will be needing to make it up to her soon.

"I'm sure its nothing princess. Maysaa just called, shes craving some strawberries. I just need to get those and give it to her. Ill be back okay? You understand right princess?" Taehyung stroke her hair softly. Y/N is beautiful, inside out. Everytime Taehyung looks at her, he falls in love with her all over again. He sometimes regret his desicion with Maysaa, for hurting Y/N along the way, but what can he do? Maysaa is pregnant with his baby now, there is no way he can ever leave her. And Y/N is so understanding, he sometines forget that she gets hurt too.

Y/N sighed. Of course its Maysaa again. She rubbed her bump. Something is wrong, she can feel it. But she cant tell Taehyung that. Because he doesnt know. He only goes to Maysaa's appointments, and never hers. He didnt know the problems and the pain shes having. He didnt know how she cried alone at nights, which is almost every night, sleeping alone in pain because Taehyung needs to attend to Maysaa.

Pregnancy is supposed to be the happiest month for a couple. Sharing moments and experience with their partner. And she guess Taehyung is experiencing it, only not with her. All her joys, the baby first kick, the baby first move, and all her pain, she jottee down in the scrapbook.

Maybe one day she can share it with someone who wanted to know.

Y/N sighed again.

"Of course Tae. Go attend to Maysaa. I'll be okay," Y/N gave a small smile. Taehyung kisses her forehead and went off to find the strawberries.

A few minutes after Taehyung left, a knock was heard on her hotel door. They are both following Taehyung on tour now, since he thinks its a good idea to bring them both togethet.  Thinking it was Jungkook, she ask the person to come in. Y/N and Jungkook has become closer now since Taehyung spend most of her time attending to Maysaa's pregnancy needs.

Y/N's smile drop the moment Maysaa appeared in front of her door, making her way to her bedside.

"Hi Y/N, wheres Tae?" She asked, smiling.

"He went out to get your strawberries Maysaa. Anything I can help you with?" Y/N asked with a straight face. She usually will control her expression and put on atleast a small smile, but not today. Today shes in pain and Taehyung is not here to help het because of this girl stupid strawberries.

"Wow, whats with the hostility? Cant a baby mama come and visit another baby mama?"

"Im sorry. I didnt mean to be rude. Its just that Im in a bit of pain right now," Y/N rubbed her bump. Maysaa srunched her face on annoyance. She hates it when Y/N say anything about her pregnancy, well because it only remind her that hers is not real.

"Oh really?" Maysaa asked, not at all showing interest.

"Yeah. Its a bit painful. Uh.. do you think Tae can stay with me tonight? I think.. I think I might need him tonight," Y/N looks at Maysaa, hoping she would be considerate enough.

"Uh no? You know how I need shoulder rubs at night and how I throw up every night Y/N. You know I need Tae!"

"But Maysaa. I really dont feel-"

"You are not the only one pregnant Y/N!" Maysaa have had enough. Taehyung is hers, cant she see that?

"But Maysaa, please. I-" Y/N placed her hands on Maysaa, trying to asked for her sympathy when Taehyung ealks in and saw her hand on her.

"Hey baby? What are you doing here? I looked for you in your room. I got you your strawberries," he smile, eyes wondering between Maysaa and Y/N, trying to figure out what is happening. They are just talking right?

"I was looking for you baby!" Maysaa giggles and hug Taehyung's arm. "Didnt know you went out,"

Y/N averted her eyes as her heart begin to hurt at their interaction. Calm down Y/N, Taehyung doesnt belong to you alone anymore. Taehyung notice Y/N's change of expression and move Maysaa's hand slowly off him, making the girl furious.

"T-tae? Do you think you can stay with me tonight? I dont feel good. I really dont," Y/N decides to ask. Maysaa cant believe what shes hearing. Did this bitch just ask Taehyung when she already said no?

"Uh..." Taehyung look at Maysaa who's already pouting. "I think you will be okay Y/N, right?"

Y/N sighed. The one time she really needs him and he cant even give her that.

"Yeah okay. Of course. I'm always okay," she tried to slowly get up from the bed. She was never this petty but shes really in pain right now. Whats the point of having a boyfriend if he never cares? Y/N is starting to regret her decision.

"Y/N, dont be like that princess please?" Taehyung look at her softly, trying to help her up but she flinched away.

"Be like what Tae? I only ever needed you once in seven months and you cant even give me that? I'm done. After this baby is born, I'm done Taehyung!"

"Y/N, what are you talking about? Princess, you know we will never be done. I'll never let you go!" Taehyung is freaking out. Why is Y/N saying all this. She wont leave him will he?

Too caught up with being worried, Taehyung didnt notice that Maysaa's expression has turned sour at his words.

How in love is Taehyung with Y/N?!

Noticing that Taehyung is about to reached out for Y/N's hand, Maysaa quickly thinks of something and as Y/N turns to shake Taehyung off, she immediately screamed in pain, clutching her fake baby bump, immediately catching Taehyung's attention.

"Baby?! Are you okay?"

"Y/N nudged me. Aww baby, it hurts!" She cried out, constantly rubbing her bump.

"What? I did not! Tae I didnt even touched her!" Y/N tried to defend herself but Taehyung is already glaring at her as he hugs Maysaa protectively.

"She did baby! She nudge me. She must be angry at me because you didnt want to stay with her tonight! Aww babyyyy it hurts," fake tears starts to roll doen her cheeks.

"Baby! Oh my god. Let me take you to the hospital okay?" Taehyung glares at Y/N again. "You better pray that nothing happened to her or the baby Y/N!"

"Tae, I didnt do anything! Cant you atleast listen to me?!" Y/N tried to suck in her pain and wiggle her way to reached out to Taehyung but he pushed her away, making her fall sitting down on the bed. Surprise and in pain that Taehyung would actually pushed her  Y/N feel her tears rolling down.

He never cared when she told him shes in pain but when Maysaa said it he panic to this extend? What are you even to hjm Y/N?

Nothing. A song? Bullshit. Not even a sad song. Just... nothing. She is nothing to Kim Taehyung.

"Im taking Maysaa to the hospital," Taehyung hugs the girl, not even looking at Y/N who he just pushed. Right before they went out the door, Maysaa look behind her shoulder and smirk.

Y/N knew right then that nothing could ever fix her relationship with Taehyung again. No matter how much she sacrifice, Maysaa wins.

"You win Maysaa. You can have Taehyung, fully," was the last word Taehyung heard between sobs before he slam the door shut.

/////

"Theres a complication. You cant be stressed or do anything aggressive. At all. Remember that miss. At all! Any of that, and you might have to go into an early labour. And Miss Y/N... with your health condition, we strongly would advise to avoid early labour as it might cause yours or the baby's life,"

The doctors words repeat itself in Y/N's head as the pain in her stomach becomes unbearable the second Taehyung slammed the door shut.

"T-tae..." she tried to call out but the pain stopped her as she clutched her stomach. "N-no.. my baby!" Y/N starts to sob when her hand touched a wet and thick red liquid from her legs and stomach.

Bleeding. I'm bleeding.

Was the last word she remembered saying to herself before hearing Jungkook's voice calling out to her and passed out.

/////

"Its okay baby, I'm here. I'm here" Taehyung panics as he held Maysaa's hand tightly, who is screaming in pain. "I'll take you to the nearest hospital okay baby, dont worry,"

"N-nearest hospital? But baby I need to see Doctor Hua!" Maysaa panics the moment Taehyung help her into the car. All her cover will be blown if she is taken to another doctor!

Doctor Hua has make everything perfect. They did all the fake belly, the fake heartbeat reading and even a fake sonogram. Everything is going well. Shes supposed to be having a misscarriage soon and Taehyung will never know.

"Theres no time baby. Doctor Hua's hospital is far from here. The hospital Y/N went to is just here. Her doctor can help us,"

"Tae, no. I-"

"No buts baby, I'm sorry but our baby's life is in danger," Taehyung sped off and Maysaa kept quiet the whole drive there, brows sweating trying to think of a way out.

And it seems thats theres none.

/////

"You..." Taehyung growls, he cant even look at Maysaa's pretty face right now. "You.. fake this fucking pregnancy?! You fucking fake it?!" Taehyung screamed out as he threw the crying girl on the floor of the parking lot.

"T-tae let me explain!"

"Explain what?! That you lied to me for thr whole seven months? About pregnancy?! Fuck, I'm a fool!" Taehyung runs his hands through his hair. How did he ever get fooled for the whole seven months? How can he be so oblivious? No wonder Maysaa didnt want to get intimate at all ever since her bump shows. He thought it was hormones or something.

"Tae, baby please..." her sobbing never stopped.

"Why? Why would you even do this?!"

"I dont want to lose you Tae," she tries to explain between sobs. "When Y/N got pregnant I got insecure. Shes so perfect and nice and Im scared you will leave me when the baby is born!"

"You know what, she is perfect. She is! Shit, I ignored her pregnancy for the whole 7 months for you fake pregnancy?!"  Taehyung start to realized. "All the pain she had to endure alone. The checkups and appointments, for you?! Fuck, I'm suing you. You and your fake doctor, I'll sue them all!"

"You can do anything Tae. But baby  please dont leave me. I-I love you," Maysaa is desperate. How is she supposed to leave without Taehyung? She just cant.

Taehyung scoff.

"You think I'll still be with you? You selfish, lying, manipulative bi-" Taehyung raised a hand to give her a tight slap but it was halted when his phone rang.

"Tae? Where the fuck are you? Wheres Y/N? Is everything okay?" Namjoon calls him in panic, making Taehyung confused.

"Y/N? Shes at the hotel. I left her there when I took Maysaa to the hospital hyung. You will not believe what this b-"

"Tae, Y/N is not in the hotel and the floor is covered with blood. You are saying shes not with you?" Namjoon cut him off. And the mention of not in the hotel and blood, Taehyung panics. Did something happened to his princess? To their baby?

"W-what do you mean?" Taehyung raised his voice. "Hyung, tell me. What happened? Wheres Y/N? Go and look around for her hyung! And what blood? How much blood?!"

"A-a lot Tae. Like a lot, a lot," Namjoon's voice laced with worry. "Wait, Kookie just called Jimin. Maybe he knows where Y/N is," a mix of voice filled the receiver, making Taehyung more worried as he presses the phone to try to hear what they are saying.

"Hello, guys!"

"Tae! Kookie took Y/N to her hospital.  Shes bleeding Tae. Sh-" Taehyung didnt wait any longer and ran across the parking lot to the hospital building, but Maysaa catch hold of his hand. God, he forgot shes even here.

"Tae, baby. Where ate you going?! We are not done yet!" She cried out, tears ran down her face without stopping. Taehyung growls and shake his hand loose from her grip.

"Dont fucking call me baby. Dont fucking even call me anything! I should have known you are no good! I shouldnt even start with you! I have to go,"

"Tae, no!" Maysaa kneels down and hugs his leg. "Please Tae, dont leave me. I need you!" She is sobbing hysterically now but it doesnt spark even a bit of sympathy in Taehyung. All he can think about is all the tears he had cause Y/N from the very first day he brought Maysaa into her life. Y/N is the one who need him. She has been needing him for months but he wasnt there. He chose not to be there.

Princess, I am so sorry. I'm coming princess. Im coming. Wait for me. I promised you. I promised that I'll take care of you and our baby. I failed.

"Let go!" He shake his leg loose. "We are fucking over Maysaa. I'll deal with you later. And if, if anything happen to Y/N, I swear I'll make you pay!" With that Taehyung rans off, leaving Maysaa crying on her knees in the parking lot.

/////

"A-at least," she pants. "I- I'm h-appy K-kookie," Y/N gave a small smile between her pain as Jungkook followed her as she was rushed by the doctors to the emergency operation room. A few minutes after Jungkook burst into the hospital, Y/N's doctor immediately take over and set her up for an emergency operation.

The baby has to come out now.

"Happy? How can you be happy with Tae-hyung being such an asshole Y/N? Stop this Y/N! He dont deserve your smile!" Jungkook yell through his tears.

"B-because I-I will make sure I'll deliver his d-daughter safe a-and sound Kookie," she smile with enough pain to break Jungkook's heart. Blood is still all over her clothes and the stretcher bed. "T-tell him... tell hi-"

"You will tell him yourself! You will be okay. You and your daughter will be okay!" Jungkook cried out. He dont know what is going on. All he knows is that Y/N is in pain and theres a lot of blood. Everywhere.

But the panic her doctor showed once he was informed told Jungkook that this is not just a normal pregnancy bleeding or anything like it.

What is going on? And why is Y/N acting like shes saying goodbye?

"I-I'm s-sorry b-but I-I wont Kookie," Y/N's hands reached out and grasp Jungkook's shirt tight one last time. "T-tell Tae t-that I w-wasnt a-able to keep his s-song happy forever, but she will. H-his d-daughter will,"

With that, Y/N hands grazed his shirt and hands one last time as she was rolled away into the operation theatre with one last tired smile towards Jungkook, leaving him standing alone, crying in front of the door.

/////

"Y/N?! Y/N!" Taehyung is breathless as he ran to the hospital room, slamming opened the door, followed by his five hyungs who is trying to catch up, after getting to know Y/N's whereabouts after a series of forcing and threatening to sue and hit every nurse downstairs, only to find Jungkook with a tear stricken face holding a crying baby girl in his arms.

"Y..Y/N?" Taehyung cant no longer think straight as he look around. "Where the fuck is Y/N Jungkook?!" He yelled when the maknae didnt answer.

"Y/N!" Taehyung yelled, frantically looking around, they said shes here, then where is she?! Jungkook ignored him, eyes fixed in the baby girl, a sad smile grazed his wet face.

"This is your daughter hyung. She looks just like Y/N," Jungkook's voice is so soft everyone almost missed it, snapping Taehyung out from his hysteric state.

His daughter?

His daughter with Y/N? The daughter that the two of them has been waiting for all this while? Shes finally here! But Y/N isnt here with them. She isnt here celebtating this moment with him.

Shes not here. And she will never ever be.

Taehyung took the baby from Jungkook's arms with shaky hands and carressed the beautiful, tiny face.

"Y/N asked me to tell you..." Jungkook sobbed. "S-she asked me to tell you, that she hope that y-your daughter will be able to keep your song happy, because she is unable to do it any longer," Jungkook wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt and start to walked out, stopping with his back facing Taehyung once he is at the door. "But honestly hyung, I dont think you deserve a happy song,"

Taehyung didnt say anything. He couldnt say anything. All he could do is hug the little girl tight in his arms as tears pours down, not showing any sign of stopping.

The little girl who is the only piece of Y/N left for him.

The only piece left of his song.

"You Y/N. You are the song to my life... and without you.. well, without you I am just a sad, lonely song,"

"And you, you are the song to my life too Kim Taehyung, and I promise, I will make it a happy song forever,"

[tenacious-scripturient]

a run-down of / my thoughts on the novel ‘trade secrets’

so! i’ve recently finished this beautifully written novel by @bettsican​, and am anxiously anticipating for the second book in the trilogy! (seriously, give it a read. it’s a great lgbtq+ thriller and mystery story, i promise you’ll love it!! you can find trade secrets in many places, including amazon, where it’s only $6)

as i was reading it, i noted down all the thoughts i had. it was fun, interesting, and kept me on the edge of my seat!

oh, and spoiler warning, of course.

Chapter One

okay. this is interesting. why are they in paris? or rather, why are they NOT in paris?

2080. damn.

who is cooper hall and why is he important i want to knowwwwwwww

Chapter Two

HOLY FUCK

CHAPTER ONE WAS A PROLOGUE

OKAY IF I DIDNT NEED TO BEFORE I HAVE TO READ IT NOW

-ahem- anyway

nate literally everything you think of has to relate to smoking, doesnt it?

clyde you absolutely bitch raccoon

im sort of piecing together what’s happening here? either way this is a SUPER interesting concept.

i love the idea of every word being important

nate look at you being a nice guy. testing the CAPS before giving them to ur clients

or maybe it’s just good business

but whatever

okay, so credits are money in this world. but how do people get them? obviously there’s what nate’s doing but what’s the legal way to get them? ill probably find out soon

if it wasnt explicitly said by betty that nate ends up with another guy (i forget his name. cooper?) i would have thought audry was the romantic interest

audry you loving caring hypocrite

i feel like she’s gonna be one of my favourite characters

who is this young man that dares disturb nate’s slumber

cooper? cooper.

Chapter Three

nate get up

u turtle get up and hurry down the stairs

or—okay you can fall into that drywall that works too

ohhhhh so nate is a detective. that’s interesting

i also love this idea of keeping secrets (haha trade secrets)

dude are you sure that your embarrassing entrance wasn’t the ONLY reason you blushed? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE HEIG—

nate ur spending an awful lot of time looking at his features you funky little bisexual

oh damn ur smarter than u seem, just watching him take a single breath and you’re already making connections. i guess that’s why he’s a detective

im gonna assume this is cooper, even tho it never explicitly says so

i feel like we aren’t gonna get his name for a while, bc clients and whatnot and not getting attached

Chapter Four

NATE WEARS GLASSES???????

that’s kind of cute

im lowkey gay rn

anyway

NATE CALLED HIM SWEET-FACED AND PRETTY-FACED O K A Y

oh he has curly brown hair

and oh the glasses aren’t real glasses. oh. the use is actually pretty cool!

so from what im gathering civilians are people who don’t live in sanctuaries, and lemnis are people who do?

cooper sweetie why do u need so much money what have u done

nate’s pretty clever

HAH I WAS RIGHT WE AREN’T GONNA GET HIS NAME FOR A WHILE

well that’s that i guess

Chapter Five

he’s so timid awh

hehe he’s on nate’s bed

sorry

goddammit man calm down or else you’re gonna get everyone in a 5-mile radius around you arrested

wait…. zero-credit balance?? didn’t he just have a few hundred thousand credits???

OH THIS IS A FAKE PROFILE HE MADE

so cooper isn’t his real name either

oh

Chapter Six

oh we’re back to 2080

oh they’re back in the apartment??

it was obvious before but at this point it’s confirmed that they’re going to be doing some travelling together or something

Chapter Seven

this is getting really interesting i dont wanna stop reading and type everything that comes to mind

these are gonna be shorter now hehe

“i’d been a petri dish of mixed emotions and wild chemical changes for half the day” I LOVE THAT METAPHOR LMFAO

what happened with nate’s mom

i want to know

my prediction: she wanted him to either change up or completely remove the chip bc she did something horrible? or maybe she just wanted to leave idk im bad at predictions

either way it said she was crazy

o h

that’s why he’s terrified of cutting the chip

poor nate

Chapter Eight

oh this is strangely intimate

very intimate

i feel that, because cooper has such high pain tolerance (or doesn’t show pain), he has some backstory for it

Chapter Nine

lmao nate just went off didnt he

THEIR FLIRTING IS CUTE FHJKJDLSKAJDKLSJAK

also is being lgbtq+ widely accepted as the norm in this setting? bc nate considered cooper to be flirting with him

ughhhh it’s so good so far, from the character interactions to the suspense, especially in this chapter

Chapter Ten

rude cooper is rude, rude nate is even more rude

F E D O R A

“coop”

Chapter Eleven

aw i love jimmy already—

WHAT THE FUCK COOPER

EXCUSE ME

JIMMY

WHAT

HOW COULD YOU

goddammit

what the fuck is cooper hiding

cooper oh my god

you

you’re playing a dangerous game, mate

are you really that heartless

“deceptively innocent eyes” you got that right

this chapter hurted

thanks a lot jess

Chapter Twelve

“like a weeping wound on the canvas of my home” this has got to be one of my favourite similes ever omg

the way nate’s describing cooper makes my heart hurt awh

i feel like butterflies have some sort of symbolism

maybe being ugly on the outside and beautiful on the inside, or vice versa? the vice versa was basically cooper lol

aye we finally get to meet audry!!

PEANUT BUTTER AND TRICYCLE I WANNA HEAR ABOUT THAT

i love audry omg

IT’S NATE’S BIRTHDAY?? HAPPY BIRTHDAY YA SMOKEY CONMAN

“bright eyes” is the cutest nickname ever

Chapter Thirteen

oh we’re back to 2080

wait what they’re trapped together

is this story gonna have a sad ending

please no

Chapter Fourteen

OH IT’S THE LINE ON THE COVER

i like that

nate’s back to where he left cooper

also if it wasn’t obvious before, it’s definitely obvious now that nate and cooper or gonna find each other again. hm. not sure how i feel about that

kind of pissed at cooper but also we need him for the story to progress

O H

COOPER IM ONLY KIND OF PISSED AT YOU NOW

IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE

NATE IVE SAID IT BEFORE BUT YOU’RE PRETTY CLEVER

also who is ‘her’?

COOPER WANTS TO BECOME A?? LEMNIS?? GODDAMMIT MAN

I CAN FEEL THE PRESSURE RISING

nate’s in danger

wow this chapter is

a lot

i need a break

-cue a break-

Chapter Fifteen

i’m back

eisley is a cool last name

oh wait so even people outside of sanctuaries can become a lemniscate

i’m still not 100% sure what a lemniscate is

it’s so ironic elijah’s last name is king, but i assume you did that on purpose. i also like the slight nod to royalty by his first name

OH

COOPER’S BACK

why hello there

Chapter Sixteen

they’re

competing

to become a lemniscate

and one of them dies

do they fight back?? is that why they end up in prison??? so many thoughts are going through my head right now

nate, your fantasy about becoming a lemniscate is surprisingly dark. i’m totally down for it

Chapter Seventeen

oh wait so joshua is cooper’s blackmailer?? Interesting that it’s a lemniscate

i keep forgetting nate is wearing glasses

cooper, my dude, calm the fuck down. you’re gonna get yourself and nate killed

it’s the return of soft™ nate

Chapter Eighteen

oh there’s another one

oh this is very ominous i don’t like

Chapter Nineteen – Twenty-One

okay i was eating while i read so i couldn’t type here but just know that these chapters were really really good

Chapter Twenty-Two

wait fuck what’s happening this is all happening so fast

cooper brought out his gun,,,, it’s aimed at ivonne,,,,,,, they’re walking,,,

OH IT WAS A FAKE KIDNAPPING

nice

i like ivonne a lot

Chapter Twenty-Three

the entire story just changed course

this isn’t just about cooper and nate anymore, it’s about a corrupt government

NATE AND COOPER ARE HOLDING HANDS AS THEY RUN THROUGH THE BARRIER THAT’S SO ROMANTIC

also the line “only the dead are ever truly free” is beautiful

THAT’S WHERE PARIS COMES IN

THEY ALL GO TO FRANCE DON’T THEY

I’m so curious to find out where this story is going

Chapter Twenty-Four

this is doin me a confusion

but tbh these hints/ visions of the future, if you could call them that, are giving just enough information to keep me super interested. props to you

Chapter Twenty-Five

AUDRY STOP TEASING NATE

just joking keep doing it, this might actually get their relationship somewhere

ivonne is definitely my favourite character so far. she reminds a little of melia from xenoblade chronicles, in that they’re both ‘royalty’ that rebel. also they’re badass and smart

oh fuck the brother is here

okay thank god he’s not an asshole

oh god things are happening again

Chapter Twenty-Six

nate stop ogling at cooper when you’re in a life-or-death situation

holy shit the lemniscate are messed up

this crew is pretty great, it sucks that it’s almost the end of the book

WAIT I FORGOT THERE’S A SECOND COMING SOON HECK YEAH

anyway

YES COOPER PULL THROUGH

awwww yiss

Chapter Twenty-Seven

oh

oh

O H

oh my god i ship them so hard

THEY KISSED

THIS IS SO STEAMY

this chapter was art thank you so much for this

Chapter Twenty-Eight

AHAHAH AUDRY

once again, i’d like to state how much i love her

oh the tension just grew twentyfold

this is… great

oh god nate what are you planning, you just got together with cooper and now you want to leave him?

Chapter Twenty-Nine

what’s with all the dancing?

Chapter Thirty

oh god the description

so he’s going around and giving people credits, all the while confessing things that would help the lemniscate track him down. i assume this means he’s going to die, but why?

just what are you planning?

oh we’re back to clyde, the guy who started it all. it feels full circle

Chapter Thirty-One

OH

HE’S MAKING HIS CHIP SHOW THAT HE’S DEAD

that’s much smarter

FUCK

NATE YOU IDIOT—COOPER’S REAL NAME

SHIT NOW KING IS HERE

everything’s going downhill now isn’t it

Chapter Thirty-Two

wait that took an even darker turn

there’s so much happening right now i can’thandlethis

cooper and nate are couple goals

Chapter Thirty-Three

king isn’t as horrible as i thought

still horrible, but not a monster

NEVER MIND YOU’RE A FUCKING MONSTER WHAT IS THIS BS

cooper

actually

shot

nate

Chapter Thirty-Four

OH MY GOD

WHAT

THIS IS HOW YOU END IT

I CAN’T

HOW DARE YOU

NO

NO

NO

NO

i need the next book

like right now

what the hell

Final Thoughts

okay so this book was SO good, and so well written. like damn

aside from that horrible ending how could you do this to me

i’m joking, it was an incredible and emotional ending, i loved it and hated it at the same time

it very rarely felt static, and especially in the first half, there was a good mix of action and backstory/description. it was never boring

the story is just,,, so unique. i seriously haven’t read anything like it, EVER

the world-building?? Is?? so vast?? and insane??

the increasing tension and speed as the story progressed is perfect, i felt my heart beating faster the more i read

anyway that’s all from me

this book was amazing i cannot wait for the next

[missmarquin]

Magnetic, Ch. 1

In the future, romantic attraction is literal: each person is fitted with an electromagnetic bracelet which will pull you to your soulmate. It's hard, wondering who's out there for you. It's harder yet, when you have to come to understand yourself first.

Read on A03, for best quality (Including proper italics and such!)

Domain

‘A magnetic domain is a region within magnetic material in which the magnetization is uniform in one direction.’

Eighteen was a big year for many, but turning twenty is what people truly waited for.

Otabek had never really given it much thought, he supposed. Amita might not have been his initial choice of who he’d want to spend his life with forever, but she had since grown on him-- not unlike a fungus. She was sharp and quick-witted, and he had to admit that his parents had made a good choice. Really, they had. He and Amita just worked together, their relationship didn’t require much effort.

So the ceremonious receiving of the Destiny Bracelet wasn’t so ceremonious for him. He didn’t want to fuck up something that was good for him.

“It’s such a stupid fucking name,” Yuri said through the phone screen. Amita rolled her eyes, as she held the phone out, and Otabek smirked back at the video feed. “ Destiny Bracelet . What is this, some shitty fucking rom-com?”

“Hey now,” Amita pouted, leaning around so Yuri could see her through the screen. “ Some people like shitty rom-coms.”

“I guess you’re allowed to,” Yuri said with a genuine smile. “You’re special though.”

Really, Otabek’s luck couldn’t be better. Yuri was the most important person in the world to him, at the end of things, and he fucking lovedAmita. They were practically partners-in-crime themselves.

“What’s the point anyhow?” Yuri continued griping. “ It’s not like you aren’t getting married regardless. You and Amita are stupidly in love.”

Otabek and Amita shared an amused glance, and he said, “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to hurt me, you know? Besides, Mom is curious.” Not his mom, just Mom, the woman who had seen Yuri once before instantly adopting him as her own. Much to the boy’s aggravation.

Yuri snorted, rolling his eyes. Otabek wasn’t sure that he was stupidly in love with Amita, but he was happy and honestly, that was more than he could ask for. There was a mild fear that the bracelet would want to pull him somewhere else, but many people ignored it anyway. The journey of finding that soulmate wasn’t worth it to some.

Otabek was okay with that. He wasn’t the kind for grand romantic gestures or sweeping adventures. It was less work to stay in his tidy little bubble, and it suited him.

“Are we all ready in here?” A voice piped from the doorway. Everyone turned to meet a middle-aged man, the proctor in charge of attaching and turning on the gizmo. Otabek nodded and he whisked into the room, settling into the rolling stool beside the bed.

“I was I could be there for this,” Yuri muttered. “I wish I could see the annoyance on your face, the moment that bracelet beeps.”

Such a Yuri thing to say and do, to take pleasure in the vexation of others.

“Someone has rehearsal to be at, you know,” Amita chided. “Someone scored a spot in the Bolshoi Ballet Company, so that someone needs to stay put and not burn bridges before they are even built.”

Yuri sighed and Otabek hid a smile behind a carefully placed cough. Yuri wouldn’t listen to him, but he would always listen to her, begrudging as it was.

“Hold out your arm now,” the proctor interrupted cheerfully. Otabek did as he was told and the man fitted a length of cool metal around his wrist. It wasn’t his first time seeing one and it wouldn’t be his last, but he was always surprised by how boring it looked. Just a simple chain of lightweight links, fitted with neat and elegant looking square. The way it worked was a carefully guarded secret, but it worked and that’s all people cared about.

The point of the Destiny Bracelet was to make people happy, not make money and so, the world-wide program had been adopted free of charge. Yuri had always said it was stupid, because it could have made billions. He wasn’t wrong.

“As you probably already know, there’s nothing really needed to know about it’s use,” the proctor said. “It’s waterproof and practically indestructible, so you don’t need to worry about that. It can easily be removed if so wished, and once put back on, instantly kicks into gear again. No fancy buttons or doohickies,” he finished with a laugh. “You ready?”

Otabek shrugged and the man took a thin little tool, about the size of a paperclip, and shoved it into the pin-sized hole on the square. The bracelet beeped, indicating that it was scanning.

The room waited with bated breath, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Beks?” Amita said gently, curiosity full on her face. “Anything?”

“Uh,” Otabek started, lifting his wrist slightly. “No? I don’t think?”

The proctor didn’t seem fazed though, asking, “No tingling sensations? No feeling of being tugged a certain direction?”

“No,” Otabek confirmed. “Nothing.”

“Well, that’s not unusual,” the man said. “It only comes to life if your partner’s bracelet is active. Give it some time and it will start to work, I promise.” He folded his hands into his lap neatly. “Any other questions?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said from the video call, “Who’s placing bets on when that fucking happens?”

Otabek shot Yuri a glare, but Amita burst into laughter. The proctor smiled, before standing and handing Otabek a flyer. “This should give you more in depth information, but don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Otabek nodded and thanked him, before standing himself.

“Three months till your woman gets hers,” Yuri drawled, “Ten thousand rubles that hers lights up like a damn Christmas Tree in your direction.”

The thought of Amita’s bracelet reacting to his own was a nice thought, but a one-in-a-million chance. Otabek remained hesitant about it, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“We don’t use rubles,” Amita tittered, her lips pulled into a sarcastic smirk. “What’s that about in tenge, Otabek?”

“About fifty-six thousand,” he deadpanned, and half Yuri’s monthly salary. Amita pressed her finger to her chin in thought.

“I’ll accept the bet and raise it, Yuri,” she finally said, a gleam in her eye. “One hundred thousand tenge that his bracelet doesn’t do jack shit when mine is activated.” Amita came from old money and didn’t bat an eye at the outrageous amount.

Otabek started slightly at that, but Yuri was already accepting the challenge before he could process that she had bet against them.

“You’re on, you hag,” Yuri snapped. “It’s pretty fucked up to bet against your own romance though.”

“Plenty of people don’t go searching for their soulmate, Yuri,” she said with a shrug. “Many people already love someone else and stick with them. Otabek and I are no different.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Amita when she said it, but the both of them weren’t the kind to throw around something like lovelightheartedly. When they walked out of the building though, Amita’s hand reached out to find his, squeezing gently as they told Yuri goodbye.

It’s enough to believe that this might actually work.

It wasn’t.

Otabek didn’t know what was wrong with him when he finally came to that conclusion.

The more and more he thought about the silent bracelet on his wrist, the more he realized that he would be okay with it staying that way for the rest of his life. And that he would be a-okay with Amita wandering off and finding her own destined one.

Because honestly, the woman deserved it. She deserved more than a half-hearted romance with a man who just liked her. Like wasn’t the same as love. Otabek understood that now.

“Relationships are fucking useless,” Yuri groaned over the video call.

“I take it that the date didn’t go well then,” Otabek mused.

“It was great, until he tried to eat my face off like some sort of rabid dog. ” Yuri paused to make a disgusted sound. “You know, that was the first time I’ve kissed a dude and honestly I feel sorry for women. Men are disgusting.”

Otabek wasn’t sure what surprised him more-- that Yuri’s first kiss had apparently been with a woman, or that he had admitted that men were gross. “You told me he was gross before you went on the date,” he pointed out.

“Personality wise yes,” Yuri replied, “but Beka, have you seen his fucking calves?”

“Yes,” Otabek said. Yuri had shown him tons of pictures of the company, all the while complaining about every single member.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “You know, ignore that, it’s not like you’d ever fucking agree.”

It came out harsher than he meant, and Otabek mused at the irony of his statement. Otabek wouldn’t consider himself gay, but Yuri never failed to get under his skin when the time accounted for it. That moment wasn’t an exception, with his low-scooping neckline and hair falling around his face like spun gold.

Otabek promptly reminded himself that what he had with Amita was good enough, and not worth risking the only fucking friendship he had.

“So,” Yuri drawled and Otabek’s attention snapped back to him. “Less than a week until Amita get’s her little bracelet.”

Otabek smirked. “Regretting your bet yet?”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Everyone knows you two are disgustingly perfect. You’re almost as bad as the Piggy and Old Man.”

Otabek seriously doubted that, but laughed all the same.

“Are you worried?” Yuri asked.

“Not really,” Otabek said with a shrug.

“What if it’s not you?”

Otabek hesitated, but then said, “Not a problem. Like Amita said, many people stay with those they aren’t meant for. It’s not a bad thing.”

Yuri was quiet for a moment, regarding him carefully through the screen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t the type to do things half-way, Beka.”

It wasn’t a critique, it was the honest truth, and for once he didn’t know how to reply. But as soon as introspective Yuri had shown his face, he was gone, throwing out a dirty joke that he had heard from one of the pit musicians.  

After a long time of tossing jokes around and swapping stories, their call comes to its end. Yuri was clearly tired, eyelids drooping as he tucked into the hoodie that he stole from Otabek years ago.

Yuri had said his goodnight, about to end the call, when Otabek said something else.

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted her bracelet to point to someone else?” It wasn’t a planned question, or something he would have ever asked Yuri. His friend blinked slowly, his hand hovering over the keyboard of his laptop. “I wonder,” Otabek continued, “if I’m a horrible person because I might want to pull away.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Yuri finally said. “It makes you normal. Everyone questions their relationships. Sometimes people are constantly questioning them.” He paused and considered something else. “You’re lucky though, I think. Amita seems the kind of woman tough enough to handle rejection in the end. She’d slap a smile on her face and thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t wrong, and despite his heavy-handed worries, Otabek managed another smile before they ended the call for the night.

Otabek couldn’t dedicate time to be there, when Amita’s bracelet was activated. She came from old money, and despite working, she worked for her parents. They showered her with all the vacation and time off she could have ever wanted.

It wasn’t like Otabek’s family weren’t well of either-- that’s how they had met-- but he didn’t like to dip his hand into the cookie jar so to speak. He worked hard for his coin, and as a result had less leeway.

So that night, he had been in his garage, fixing up a vintage bike for a collector. It was dirty work, leaving him smeared with grease, but he loved it. The feel of the tools in his hand, the way that the engine whined when finely tuned to perfection.

Really, it was all could have ever asked for.

“I take it that it’s been a good day for you, Beks,” Amita said, stepping into his space quietly.

He swiped at his forehead and turned to smile at her, but she seemed distant and subdued. Slowly he dropped his hand, as he regarded her.

Amita fidgeted, she never fidgeted, and Otabek couldn’t help the crease that stretched across his forehead as he moved to speak. But she held her hand out and paused. And he saw the bracelet there, blinking gently in the dim light.

His didn’t blink at all, because it had no call.

She saw his gaze and moved her hand self-consciously, tucking her hair behind an ear. “It’s not strong,” she said, “the pull. Whoever it is isn’t close by. I’m not surprised though.”

“I-- I’m not either,” Otabek replied, but the words didn’t sound bitter. Nor was there dread in the pit of his stomach. If he had to be honest, he felt relieved.

Amita leaned against his workbench. “I know what we told Yuri, but--”

“But it’s not right,” Otabek finished, knowing that’s where she was going with this. He stood, wiping his dirtied hands on a spare rag in his pocket. He moved to lean next to her and she smiled sadly.

“It’s stupid, right? I mean, I want to marry you.”

“I would like that too,” Otabek said truthfully.

“But it isn’t… it’s not right,” she repeated. “I can’t really describe it any other way.” She sighed softly. “I couldn’t deny whoever your soulmate is, you, Otabek.”

He snorted at that. “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed to be alone, Amita,” he replied lightheartedly. And that was probably the truth. Most bracelets activated within several months, and the longer it took, the less likely it ever would. He was past the point of holding his breath.

She turned to look at him, her eyes flashing. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Otabek rubbed at his neck nervously. “I don’t know, I’m just not the kind of person who does people, you know? I’ve been thinking more and more about it lately, and I think that the single lifestyle would suit me.”

Amita regarded him quietly, tapping her finger against her chin like she always did when she thought. “I think the problem Beks,” she finally said, “is that you just haven’t found your person yet. I would love to be them, but… it’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair to you--”

“ To you,” she interrupted. Otabek blinked at her words, her conviction. “You deserve happiness as much as anyone else,” she said firmly.

Otabek breathed an uneasy sigh, rubbing at his neck again. “I’m not holding my breath, you know,” he finally said.

At that, she laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you too. Above all Otabek, you are practical.”

He managed a smile at that. “What will you do, then? Go after him?” He took her hand gently, pulling it closer to see the bracelet. All it did was blink, signaling that it was on.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure my parents would be happy. They love you.”

“They love you more,” he pointed out.

She hummed at that, before reaching up and cupping his chin in her hand. “I’ll always love you,” she said quietly. “Despite what this bracelet says, or yours, I’ll always love you. I’m just not the one meant for you, I think.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his brow sweetly. “Who knows? Maybe they’re closer than you think?” She smirked widely as she pulled back and let him go.

Otabek could think of one person that he wouldn’t mind, but those odds were heavily stacked against him. And he wasn’t the kind to dream.

Still, when she left him behind in his shop, his heart didn’t feel heavy. He thanked Amita for her unwavering friendship, knowing that he’d have it forever.

The first year after the break up had been weird.

Amita had decided to go West in the end, following the tug of her bracelet. Otabek had seen her off personally, hugging her tightly at the airport. They parted well, with light hearts and encouraging words. Otabek knew that they had made the right decision, no matter how disappointed their parents had been.

In turn, being alone had given him time to think.

The single life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Amita’s words about how he hadn’t found his someone yet floated around here and there, but he had chosen to mostly ignore them. It was easier worrying about himself, and devoting the time to come to understanding who he was.

Yuri told him that he was stupid, but didn’t press the issue.

The second year was better. The second year, Otabek discovered himself, exploring his freedom. He finally used that vacation time and savings, and hit the open roads on his bike. Not too far though gone, because he never missed his nightly calls with Yuri.

Yuri threw himself into ballet, constantly tired and bruised. And when he wasn’t punishing his body with grueling training regimes, he threw himself into shitty date after shitty date. No one seemed to stick, not that Otabek was surprised. Yuri was as prickly as a summer cactus, and his personality wasn’t much better. Not everyone could handle the abrasive man.

“A huge part of me doesn’t want to get the stupid bracelet, Beka,” Yuri complained one night during their call. His twentieth birthday was looming over them and in a few weeks, he’d know.

“You don’t have to get the bracelet, you know,” Otabek said, leaning back against his headboard. It was a late night and both of them were settling for bed.

Yuri sighed, sitting on his tony mattress with crossed legs. That night he wore baggy sweatpants and a wide-necked black shirt that showed off his collarbones--

Otabek distracted himself by taking a sip from the water cup on his side table.

“I thought about it, actually,” Yuri said. “But then you know, I also keep dating assholes, so clearly my method isn’t working out.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at that. “Don’t date assholes then,” he chided, smiling.

Yuri rolled his eyes, before falling back against the bed. “How do you do it?” he asked. “How do you just… do your own thing?”

Otabek thought before he answered. “It’s taken time and a lot of thought,” he finally said. “And of course, Amita pushed me, I guess.”

“A cross-country trip to discover yourself doesn’t hurt either,” Yuri teased, and when Otabek looked back at him through the screen, he saw the smirk across his lips. Otabek smiled right back.

“I’ve thought about taking it off,” Otabek continued with, flicking at the metal on his wrist. Nearly three years later and it was still dead as a door nail. Frankly, Otabek had lost interest in waiting. “My soulmate doesn’t define me, you know?”

Yuri hummed quietly. “Don’t,” he finally said. “I mean, at least wait until it turns on, yeah?”

“It probably won’t, Yura,” Otabek sighed. “Studies show that most activate within the first year. I’m probably the rare case of never activates at all . And honestly, I’m cool with it.”

“Well I’m not,” Yuri scoffed. “You can’t tell me that someone doesn’t get Otabek Altin as a fucking soulmate, I won’t take it. You’re too cool to go it alone.”

“You literally said that you admire that about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re deserving.”

Otabek ran a hand through his hair gently. “You aren’t like me, Yura,” he finally said. “Even though you don’t like people, you crave their attention. You’d never be okay on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be alone though,” Yuri replied quietly. “I’ll always have you, you know.”

Otabek did know, and he smiled. “It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am, but I’m good now. Give yourself a chance too, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. There was a short pause, and then, “Do yourself a favor Beka. Don’t you take yours off either, okay?”

Otabek’s lips quirked into a smile. “Okay.”

“It’s a promise?”

“Always, Yura.”

Despite all of Otabek’s annoyance for his own bracelet, he was excited for Yuri.

He watched through the screen as Yuri sat on the exam table, twitching with apprehension. The phone must have been propped up against something.  “It’s stupid,” he snapped. “I should be at rehearsal, I should be running through forms, hell I’d rather be doing fucking squats.”

Otabek smiled at that. “It’s not the end of the world, Yura,” he said amused. “A few years ago, you were excited .”

“Yeah, until I realized what a drag dating is, and how disgusting men are.” He paused then, his face twisting into horror. “Beka, what if my soulmate is a woman? My life would be over!”

“It could be worse, you know,” he joked. “It could not work at all.” He raised his own wrist in response.

Yuri scowled at him, about to retort when the proctor came in. When requested to, Yuri stuck his arm out, the smooth skin pale against his dark shirt. Otabek watched as the man slipped the chain around his wrist, snapping it closed. And then the tool came out.

Yuri looked hesitant, but his eyes were bright as the man activated the bracelet.

But then they both fell quiet, watching. And then there was a little beep and Yuri’s bracelet blinked. He regarded it with an odd look.

“You know, I wish Amita were watching. I bet her smug ass would have enjoyed this.”

Before Otabek could retort though, there was another beep, this time not through the phone call. He froze and looked down, right as his bracelet flared to life.

[homestucky]

ok ok this is like not anything new but still since i havent been on here i havent fully ranted about this yet. big long rant incoming

re the epilogue (spoilers etc)

ok. i have onl y read meat. but fucking? dirk? dirk? ok? dirk??

no.

i am aware of what happens in candy. i know he dies.

i also know in the version i read, in meat, he becomes his ultimate self, all versions of dirk. as many people have said, this includes AR, this includes bro, this includes even to some degree, LE. its an interesting idea ill give you that. but its also.... shitty and not backed enough by well, anything?

so heres my personal rant about the shitty things in Meat.

when i first finished it i couldnt help but think. was the dirk narrative even necessary? on the one hand it was meant to be the MAIN PLOT and it defined the narration etc, but.... it honestly didnt seem to have any importance. i know it was likely  a set up to imply future stuff like making the next sburb or whatever but like

who CARES? why on earth would that be interesting or important? maybe im crazy but like, the ‘b plot’ which was mostly about character relationships and jobs in earth c, was compelling and enjoyable. the narrative with john ‘not important and not the main character anymore’ egbert had details and conclusions ACTUALLY RELATING TO HOMESTUCK, THE COMIC I LIKE AND WANTED TO READ AN EPILOGUE FOR. it was tragic and frankly very upsetting! im not saying i liked it!! but the tragedy felt compelling and significant. 

i appreciate that dirk as narrator IS BIASED so him saying that these narratives are less important is inherently like. not to be trusted but. just. i cant help but feel like you could have cut the whole ‘main dirk reality affecting’ narrative OUT 

and that seems to me maybe like... not good? if such a central part of your narrative has almost no bearing on homestuck or anything anyone cares about?

but im sure there are other people who found it compelling and necessary. thats fair. cant relate but you do you. there are other issues. 

me saying that the dirk narrative felt weirdly isolated and insignificant sounds pretty weird given that it put jade into a coma, manipulated kanayas mind, effectively killed rose and destroyed rosemary right? WELL that brings me on to the next thing. people have noted that meat barely passes the bechdel test. and hey, sometimes things like that can just be a coincidence or unlucky. but the repeated erasure of the female characters minds, motives, identities and autonomy was????  a little too consistent to dismiss. like ok terezi was still her dope self in a lot of ways. jane kinda did some stuff (under dirks direction, and only shitty stuff but . whatever). 

(sidebar: ofc it doesnt make sense to talk about calliope and roxy in the context of the female characters in Meat but either way they were very in the background. like cool an all, and i always love roxy. and i respect they were mostly just minding their own businesses??? which is fair)

 i just. urgh. homestuck has such a genuinely good track record of giving female characters genuine motivations and powerful abilities etc. the fact that almost ALL the female characters involved were working for or manipulated by DIRK. DIRK of all people. is like... is this even based off the real comic? idgi????

roses loss of autonomy.... rose is such an important character. and she goes along with everything dirk says because dirk is suddenly all OP and ‘theyre basically the same person anyway’ like i get that there was some magic bullshit going on or whatever but at the end of the day rose was still written as weak and passive. dirk as strong and skilled and decisive. i get the undertones.. hes a prince of heart. a destroyer of souls, and identities. he messed with kanayas identity , destroyed roses, repeatedly ignored roxys and calliopes, and god i wont even get started on jake yet. but that doesnt make it satisfying to read. or even really feasible.

so theres a possibility im missing something. but im confused about WHY dirk is allowed this power. in the narrative its waved off as a kind of ‘i guess because im like a prince of heart or whatever and im just super good at managing identities and being a strong boy’ like ok if theres some implication somewhere that that is MEANT to be a bogus explanation id be interested to know because it sounds pretty goddamn bogus. why would this happen to dirk? why? literally? one reason? one that makes sense? because there arent any i can think of. why, in the new universe, would dirk, a prince of heart, manifest into a narrative controlling supergod. and fucking WHEN has dirk showed any actual capabilities in this area before?? he KINDA sucked at it in the game. dirks an idiot! hes smart and capable in like, some ways but. its like

why is dirk so powerful suddenly -> its because hes become super ultimate dirk -> ... ok why -> uh because like. hes just so naturally inclined towards being a great manipulator yknow..... canonically.... uhhhh

it just. canon dirk to epilogue dirk is the most ridiculous leap character wise, skill wise, arc wise, personality wise, with minimal reasonable explanation. 

which brings me on to the next thing. so i roasted dirk and said he wasnt strong enough to be able to manipulate things this well. well, obviously through some other means dirk HAS been afforded this power. but what about his personality? its obviously gonna be warped with self importance and knowing how things ‘have to be’. but hes heartless, cruel and hateful. in some ways it seems like canon dirk levels of ruthlessness, especially when it shows that he is actually doing something dumb and petty like his treatment of jake. that shows that he STILL has emotional connection to people as dirk. he also seems to care about some people, like dave and roxy, and cracks jokes and wants to have ‘fun’. this makes the ways in which hes so warped and cruel seem even worse. maybe on the one hand im giving dirk too much credit, everyone knows he has the potential to be a real bastard. but i dont think that was the trajectory he was on when we last saw him. and if this is truly due to him just.. becoming other versions of himself too including LE and bro and stuff..like. i dont see how it could have gotten that bad without say, roxy or dave noticing. 

‘oh they didnt notice because hes just so good at hiding’ why on earth would i believe that!! dave especially this is kinda insulting for. dave is shown to have an almost supernatural ability to detect danger. partially this might be timeline stuff, knight stuff, but also notably im sure his upbringing is involved too. he was trained to be hypervigilant. who was he trained to be hypervigilant for? bro. bros manipulation and traps. near the end of the epilogue we show that dave IS capable of detecting the mindfuckery thats happening. how would that not set off 1 million alarm bells? theres literally apparently a twisted dirk-bro mutant INSIDE HIS HEAD telling him what to do. i just. know that scene was played for comedy and romance but at the very least thats gotta like???? mess with u if ur traumatised? and thats like , why i think dave should have had an inkling abt what was going on!! this is exactly the thing he hates and fears and was traumatised by! and it just going under his nose n him not even knowing , and still pretty recently being all buddy buddy with dirk seems just stupid and infeasible to me. maybe this is me being naive or kind of a stretch but i just feel like daves danger instincts would have been kicking up a whole assed ruckus that whole time. 

also kind of unrelated but i associate sunglasses with strider style toxic masculinity and hiding things so like. ok transitioning or changing gender presentation is one thing but roxy apparently permanently wearing sunglasses makes me NERVOUS

and ill probably wrap up this mighty rant soon but i wanna also say jake was done so fucking dirty. i know he was like, meant to be, because for some reason god dirk just hated him? like ok petty much. but. urgh jake is such an interesting character with a lot of potential and while i appreciate that him being manipulated by someone who may reasonably have a problem with him may make him do stupid and embarrassing stuff, all the narrative seems to have taken a backward step in how hes represented. jake isnt stupid, dirk clearly knew this in canon and he maybe was the only one even including jake. and there was some acknowledgement of this near the beginning of the epilogue. but then for some reason it goes back on itself. everyone still thinks jake is just completely stupid, including the embittered superdirk. so yeah i guess hes upset with jake or whatever but. its still dissatisfying to be like oh yeah jake isnt stupid he actually has a complex set of motivations and potential etc BUT over the X number of yrs on earth c no one else has realised this yet?? hmm. then his narrative is just gonna end up with him being a total joke and essentially becomes as stupid and incompetent as his worst critics say he is. feasible given the mind control ? yeah. enjoyable to read or having any kind of satisfying bearing on anything? nope!

so anyway. i feel like any criticism i have could be argued back with ‘but oh it has to be this way’ or ‘mind control!!’ or ‘not everything has to be nice and happy !!’ but like. dude. there are flaws. many of them. and seeing characters just get shat on is never gonna be good writing. 

[teresa60521-blog]

Side Effects

chapter 10: week 22

In the past two weeks, Uraraka had received an onslaught of text messages from her classmates. She wasn’t even sure that she had given her number to everybody in her class. And then some. People from other classes had begun messaging her as well, most of them were congratulatory messages, some asking her who knocked her up, and one in particular was an apologetic message (she let her silence speak for itself).

As predicted, Iida’s texts had been the worst:

Iida :

>> Uraraka, this is extremely irresponsible! You are too young to become a mother! I cannot believe you had coitus in the dorms where everybody else resides! That is completely unacceptable! This pregnan(1/4)

>>cy will cause you to be behind on your course work! I would be willing to extend my knowledge in order to help you under normal circumstances but now I do not know! This has caused me to feel very con(2/4)

>>flicted about our friendship! You have always been a bright girl and you can go far in life without contributing to the sins of underage sex! This is not normal behavior an upstanding young girl like (3 / 4)

>>yourself should be having! I am very disappointed! (4/4)

Uraraka had responded with a quick sorry, dad and then had dissolved into a fit of giggles. She couldn’t believe that Iida had actually scolded her like she was a child. As if the situation could warrant that. It only got worse once Iida had read the message, the bespectacled boy calling her and berating her (with the best intentions) over the phone this time. Uraraka told him that there was nothing that could be done now that it had already happened and he responded with saying that it’s rude to talk back. Sometimes she wondered if Iida took the joke of being the dad of the group too seriously.

The worst was Midoriya though, who seemed really offended and upset that she hadn’t told him. There was of course a reason as to why she hadn’t told him. She was kind of sure that he had a crush on her and she was impregnated by his childhood friend. If there was anybody that Midoriya wouldn’t want to have gotten Uraraka pregnant, it was Bakugou.

Deku :

>> why didnt u tell me?? I couldve helped u!!

Me :

<< i don’t want to be a burden to anybody :(

Deku :

>> ur never a burden.

Midoriya was too good for her. He deserved somebody who could give him the world and unfortunately Uraraka couldn’t be that person.

It was kind of a shot to the heart when Tsuyu had texted her a couple of hours later, asking why she had kept this from her. Uraraka had been lying under the covers, guilt rolling over her in waves from her conversation with Midoriya. This was multiplied tenfold when Tsuyu texted her since she considered Tsuyu to be one of her best friends, if not her best friend out of every one. She quickly explained to her that she didn’t want to be judged for anything she had done.

Tsuyu :

>>everybody makes mistakes, Ochako. We just have to live with them

Uraraka thought that Tsuyu was too kind and too wise to befriend the likes of her. Even after all that, Tsuyu reminded her that she was still more than welcome to come to Momo’s house for the last week of summer before their second term started. Uraraka had said she would think about it. And she thought about it, and thought about it, and thought about it. She spent hours lying on her back staring at the ceiling, contemplating the pros and cons of going to Momo’s house. On the one hand it would be just like old times when she was in the common room of the dorms, gossiping about their class and the other classes.

On the other hand, she would have to see her friends for the first time since it was rudely revealed that she was pregnant. The thought terrified her.

In the end, however, she chose to go over, missing the camaraderie. She hadn’t really left the house since the news had gotten out and with how suffocating she felt around Bakugou, she needed a change.

Which is how she found herself lounging in a pool chair beside Momo’s pool, belly out with no shame in the world. It was the first time she had let others aside from her doctor and Mitsuki see her stretch marks but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She was relaxing. No anxiety, no crying herself to sleep. Just. Relaxation. The girls were treating her a little different but that was the extent of it. They had never seen a pregnant person outside of TV before.

“You really are glowing.” Mina mused as she swam over to the side of the pool, draping her fuschia arms over the ledge and resting her head on them. Her hair was sticking to her face and her horns were even a little bit droopy. She was as smiley as ever though and Uraraka could see her idly kicking her legs behind her in the water, creating tiny waves.

“Ah, thank you!” Uraraka pat her belly, the baby squirming inside at the touch.

“Do you know what you’re having?” Hagakure swam up next to her, watermelon patterned bikini floating in mid air. Uraraka found herself wondering, not for the first time, what Hagakure really looked like but she knew there was no way to find that out.

“No, I’m keeping it a surprise.”

“Why don’t we stop hounding her with questions?” Jirou asked, lounging on the chair beside her, not looking up from her phone.

Mina pouted. “How are we supposed to be prepared for the future? Uraraka is our example!”

“She doesn’t want to be hounded with questions and nobody wants to hear them!”

“I really don’t mind answering…” Uraraka said quietly as Mina splashed water in Jirou’s direction.

“See, she doesn’t mind!”

“You’re such a-”

“Is something wrong?” Momo came out of her home wearing a red string bikini, boobs jiggling as she walked. Uraraka pondered whether or not she had worn it around Todoroki or for Todoroki. Though, she couldn’t imagine Momo and Todoroki getting down and dirty. The pair of them was just too awkward.

Nobody would probably expect it with her and Bakugou though so who was she to judge?

“What’s sex like?” Mina asked suddenly, turning her attention back to Uraraka and ignoring Jirou’s furious expression. Jirou was most likely uncomfortable considering she was asxual. Momo almost tripped as she yelped, catching herself before she could fall. Uraraka was a bit stunned by the bluntness of the question but quickly composed herself.

“Well,” she had to think about this for a moment. It wasn’t anything like the movies envision it. It’s not romantic or perfect. Dimming the lights doesn’t make anything sexier. Your bodies stick together from how sweaty you get and the sweat is kind of gross. Not kind of, it’s really gross. Nothing about sex is sexy. But Uraraka looked at the hope in Mina’s eyes and she just couldn’t tell her the truth, “it’s fun, I guess.”

Mina immediately whined and slammed her fists into the water. “This isn’t fair! Everybody always does things before me.”

“Nobody wants to have sex with you because you’re annoying.” Jirou mumbled and Mina stuck her tongue out at her.

“I think Sero would.” Hagakure said thoughtfully, bathing suit floating closer to Mina.

“Sero’s so… plain.” Mina sighed and sunk into the water, submerging herself. Hagakure laughed softly as Tsuyu swam up to the edge to join the conversation.

“Did the boy treat you right?”

Uraraka thought about how Bakugou was treating her now and how he treated her before this mess started. When they were together he was wonderful. He had his own special way of being sweet, which included a lot of swearing and playing with her hair. Bakugou had a thing for her hair, always smelling it and running his fingers through soft brown locks. It always lolled Uraraka right to sleep.

But now? He was awful. Uraraka decided not to think about that.

“He did.”

“Past tense?” Momo asked sadly. She had taken up the chair on Uraraka’s side, breasts looking even bigger pressed against her chest as she leaned back.

“It’s complicated.” Uraraka sighed and Mina finally reemerged, thankfully dropping the subject. Uraraka tried not to dwell on Bakugou too much during the majority of the week, still never giving away that he was the father. She never budged even when Mina had sidled up to her a couple of nights later after they were done watching a movie, begging to know who the father was. Uraraka hadn’t said a word, just kept insisting it was somebody from a different class.

“Is it Midoriya?” Tsuyu asked that same night, all of them forming a circle.

“What? No!” Uraraka laughed and shook her head. She thought that they may think that she was lying because her voice went up a bit. She saw Mina’s eyebrows raise and even Jirou looked skeptical.

“It’s not!” Uraraka narrowed her eyes at them. “I told you guys-”

“We know, a guy in a different class.” The rest of the girls mocked in unison.

“But you know,” Hagakure leaned forward, the pillow sitting in her lap bending in half. “if you could have sex with anybody in our class, who would it be?”

“Iida.” Uraraka responded because she knew it would get them off her case. Not to be rude, but nobody in this current point in time would want to fuck Iida. Most of the girls wrinkled their noses, Tsuyu looking indifferent as always.

Jirou stared at her. “Really? Iida ?”

“I bet he does his robot hands in bed.” Mina snorted, almost in disgust.

Hagakure gasped and flailed her arms, saying something in response but Uraraka tuned them out. She exhaled and leaned back against the couch, resting a hand over her stomach. She watched as most of the girls freaked out and stated who they would have sex with. None of them said Bakugou (unsurprisingly and thankfully). Uraraka was not shocked when Hagakure said Todoroki, because honestly, he was the prettiest boy in the class. Hopefully Hagakure didn’t catch the dirty look Momo had thrown her. Jirou had hesitantly admitted that she wouldn’t mind seeing what Kaminari was like in bed and Mina had said that he ‘probably goes stupid when he comes’. Which made everybody descend into giggles again.

Uraraka watched her friends laughing and wished she had as much fluidity as they did. For a little while they ran around and hit each other with pillows, mostly Mina and Hagakure chasing Momo and Jirou with a pillow before Tsuyu stole them away with her tongue. Uraraka wished she could run around with them and have a good time to her fullest extent but unfortunately that wasn’t an option. She pat her belly and silently said a prayer, hoping that everything would be fine in the coming weeks. She still couldn’t believe that she was pregnant and that her friends weren’t judging her or making her feel like she wasn’t welcome.

“Does being pregnant still make you sick?” Tsuyu asked out of nowhere and Uraraka yelped, jolting on the couch. She hadn’t seen or felt Tsuyu reclaim her spot on the couch beside her.

“Like… morning sickness?” Tsuyu nodded. “Oh. Not really. That’s passed. Mostly I’m just tired all the time. And hungry.”

“Ah. What does it feel like?” Tsuyu asked, eyes darting to Uraraka’s stomach.

Uraraka smiled softly. “It’s weird. The baby started moving about a week or two ago but you can’t really feel it from the outside yet.”

“Huh.” Tsuyu placed a finger to her lips. “It must be strange having a baby grow inside of you, kero .”

Uraraka laughed. “It really is! You wouldn’t believe how weird it is when they start to hiccup.” Tsuyu gave her own giggle as well as another kerobefore the other girls joined the discussion. Mina and Hagakure of course had more questions, personal questions about Uraraka’s body that she answered but felt a little uncomfortable with some of them. Uraraka wanted to be a good friend though so she endured it until they all fell asleep, Uraraka taking the couch with Tsuyu while the other four slept on the floor.

In the morning, their last morning of this mini vacation, Uraraka was one of the first ones awake and discovered that Momo was missing from the group of snoozing girls. Mina was all spread out and the impression where Hagakure was lying beside her was concentrated to the middle of the pillow and blanket. Tsuyu was curled into a ball beside Hagakure and Jirou had one arm thrown over her eyes as she laid on her back.

Uraraka sat up and rubbed at her eye, stretching her arms above her head before going to use the toilet. The one downside of being pregnant was having to use the bathroom all the time . That wasn’t an exaggeration either. She felt like she peed at least six times a day and she didn’t know what the normal amount should be. It was normal though, learning this after frantically researching because she thought something was wrong. As the baby grew it would press on her bladder and make her have to urinate frequently.

When she reemerged from the bathroom she heard banging in the kitchen and figured Momo was in there. Surely enough, Momo was making them breakfast, food already frying on pans.

“Do you want any help?” Uraraka offered. She noticed Momo jump and then look over her shoulder, offering a small smile.

“You don’t have to!”

Uraraka shrugged. “No, it’s okay, I don’t mind.”

Momo bit her lip and then nodded, moving over to allow Uraraka room to take over the dishwashing. She refocused on cooking and the two were silent as they took to their tasks, Uraraka shaking the dishes before laying them on the drying rack.

Uraraka glanced over and turned back to the dishes. “Hey, Momo?”

Momo made a humming noise of affirmation but didn’t say anything.

“I’m really sorry I threatened to tell people about, ya know…” Uraraka waved her hands in order to not have to reveal her relationship with Todoroki out loud in case one of the other girls woke up. “And I’m really grateful that you made that pregnancy test for me. And allowed me to stay here even after all of this.”

There was silence from Momo’s area and then a heavy sigh. Uraraka could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke: “It’s okay. I really appreciate the apology, Uraraka. Shouto and I… want to keep everything a secret from now because it’s just easier this way.”

“I understand!” Uraraka said and then pointed to her bump. “Oh, I definitely understand.”

Momo laughed and pressed a hand to her lips to hide it, shaking her head. Uraraka wondered how every single strand of jet black hair remained in place. Did everything about her have to be so perfect?

“We should wake up the other girls.” Momo finally said when she stopped laughing and Uraraka agreed, offering to go wake them up so Momo could keep cooking. As Uraraka descended down the stairs she was grateful that another chip was off her shoulder and that there wouldn’t be this awkward air around the two of them anymore.

Now all Uraraka had to do was tell them she wasn’t coming back to school. And who the father was. But that was for her return to school, another couple weeks away. Right now, she wanted to spend as much time as she could with her friends before things got hectic. She deserved at least that much right?

[bountifulwitcharchive]

I thought I would talk about stuff in my life  a bit, especially considering I keep getting rattled by anxieties and taken a back by feeling as if I am hurting or harming someone.

As an adult I take it as my responsibility to make sure my actions are concise, I feel this is how any adult should ultimately be. Whether or not who I am as surefire as I am, hurts someone by accident. Whether it is that my opinion makes someone upset ; I want them to know I am not changing who I am yes. But that I do still care about them. If  I fail to do this, then i feel as a person I have failed. Whether this is because of trauma in the past, or stuff that people from online communities made me feel. It does not matter, ultimately this is where I am at in my life.

My in real life is hard.  I dont talk about it because I have, and the end result is always the same. This contorted feeling from others who dont know how to answer and feel uncomfortable themeslves. Knowing they cannot do anything, and my own discomfort that they cannot relate. Cannot understand. Cannot know what it means like -- I often hear ‘ Is it better today? ‘ Rather then, ‘ Are things stable today? ‘ I hate that people often feel my household is a place where things can be healed or feel better, that is not the case. My household works on whether things are stabled and held together vs Anyone having gotten BETTER. The job I am getting into now deals with this , and a reason why I applied for it was because I understand. I understand so much what this means and how people who do not have members of family who are disabled like this, dont understand. Every day is a struggle. It is a challenge, but it is so normal what I understand and come home to. However, simply because I am use to it and accept it does not make the stress of it any less then how heavy it is in my heart. Because ontop of my sister being disabled and us lucky that she is communicative. My mothers health is getting worse; in terms of worse she is getting old. And her poor choice of eating. Her inability to take care of herself and having to take care of another adult for themself--mind you for the rest of their lives. Takes a toll on her. And then my brother is getting worse, hes a smart boy where doctors are realizing he too is disabled. However, imagine being told you are disabled at 13 but consciously aware of what that means ( my sister ) and afraid of what you will become. Without going into details; if anyone in this household would kill themsleves it would be him. So ontop of hiding knives from my sister. We have to hide anything ( the surplus AND VARIETY of medicines my sister is on ) away from him. While also avoiding serious conversations of our home structure struggling as to not spike his anxieties. He will self harm like crazy. And its hard watching your little brother slam his head against the wall because he is overwhelmed by the world he was born into. I have many siblings, but my sister steph who is the only other person who lives with us does nothing for herself. I am sure she has issues her self but does not speak of it. And instead sits at home. Falling more and more into imo a depression that my mother just calls and berates her for being lazy for. I keep trying to push her to branch out but I can tell how this life effects her individually and that there is something there she doesnt wanna talk about. And I cannot reach in there to help. For my other side of the family,  Where my stepmother who i discovered the other day doesnt realize or remember or care to understand that the reason i fell into depression at 18 was because of what she did . And now I have to compress my memories and ask myself if my abuse was real -- or is this another one of those ‘ Manipulators conviently forgetting to forget the abuse they did in the past to cling onto the future they have now. ‘ By all means fine, she is a mother and needs to focus on that, but for me. Who endures. And endures. Staring at someone who did nothing but break me into who I am today, and hear that she forgot. Or doesnt understand. Or doesnt know. Like to her the past was nothing, did hurt. But forgive we do because what else will you do in points in time --- people online think your own feelings are so valid that you need ruin the world around you to make it worse. But no. Sometimes. You need to accept things for what they are, and think that me in a situation where I cannot change things. Or amend if the issue is brought to light -- to focus on what I can. For my sisters. So I can see them. And for myself. So maybe one day in the future, that conversation can come to light. But for now, we deal with what life gives us and we move on.

That is why that job was too much for me? Nothing had order .everything was a mess. Nothing was put together well and often people blammed the lowly coworkers for the faults in the system if it meant they did not have to get introuble. Then we look as if we do not know what we are doing and exhaustion has hold of it. The system in place reminded me too much of abusive circumstances. I did not have a voice. My back was always in pain. My feet was always aching -- none of this mattered to them and none of anyones complaints ever reached them. They valued their own problems over everyone elses around them, and I understand everyone is dealing with so much but seeing management value their own complaints over others was horrible. Considering  Iwent into this with such a promise. With so much of who I was feeling like the brightest light about to conquer something new--the last of my hope in life. Thinking I was gunna change my life .Change my world. Offer my family something better. Something knew. Only to find out the truth of that all; that the Manager coaxed the employees there who I was . Was to be horrible. To tell her what all the coworkers were doing. So she could write them all up and -- so with that purpose and picture in mind to them. They rallied together to put me on probation and everything that I was broken to tears, realizing that--trying hard to tell myself I mattered more then what people made me out to be. Because when I salvaged my self to befriend them all -- to at least face them and figure out why they did that to me. That this was my job life for a year and a half. Lmao? And did that I did, and learned so much about what went on I had... And overwhelmed by this picture of how they lived and treated each other. I wanted to leave. And left I did, but into a situation that was just far worse.  Never in all the years of retail I have worked have I ever endured such hell like I had with these customers. And some of it I dont blame them, the store really made them feel this way especially when nothing was right. Nothing as good. And nothing worked. Regardless the complaints I had of this I was stressed and nothing  I did and nothing I got from this job gave back to me. None of it but stress and being exhuasted and finding myself stripped of who I am. ANd I tried with my quiet feelings about myself, to say things. I would say “ No I am miserable. “ And say it so flatly and awkwardly to make a point, but everyone always made a joke about it despite how flat I would remain. And then compare, “Well at least you arent management.” Nothing I said got through to them, and I tried. I promise. I tried with attempts despite how hard it is for someone like me to open up.

So yes I left and the job I have now is not something that is easy, Nor do I expect that my stress to be any less. Rather that it pays more and I am with endurance to try something new that might offer me better future opportunities and worse comes to worse -- I find a new job.

Even as this all went on I made sure my life here was as easy for me to come to as it was. Imagine. Imagine.

Just imagine.

If I was truly enduring all of this . What about everyone else? I looked at everyone like this, I looked at what I went through day by day and thought -- What if they have it worse. If I have no heart and mind to talk about what really goes on in length in my irl day by day... What if someone else is just the same? It is not for me to ask. it is not for them to say.

I geniuely wanted to be at peace with everyone online, and if something went on that was so bad by their action. I truly believed; well you cant be as bad as my Step Mother or physically bad as my sister who I deal with day by day.  That is to say, I have no interest in detailing my past. 

Im pretty sure its obvious my past does paint my anxieties and issues with how I deal with things. Approach people day by day.

And its important for you to know that, to know that I am like you or anyone else. My desire to be positive and happy is to allow for you and everyone else to feel and be surrounded by positivity in life. 

Life is really hard. 

Hell, right now I am still going through more impersonal feelings while trying to dance my around all this going on. Because even as im nearing 27 -- almost 30 years old. I still realize things about myself, and it will hit me hard. The most recent and most eye opening realization that still rattles me and probably is the reason why. I feel flippant in my anxiety ; is realizing I gave 5 years to my life to someone who did not exist. This person went by the name Logan and roleplayed Snow from FF13.  I realized ; I spent 5 years of my life giving myself to this person. This person who did not exist and catfished everyone around me. Including me. Making people believe I was obsessed with him. Making people believe that he didnt treat me as if the private things shared between us were most intimate. That I spent 5 years waiting for him. Giving myself to him. Being patient for him. Enduring anything he said and taking my feelings so that I revitalized the things I did. Said. And would approach and appreciate him more understandingly. So he didnt hurt me, or ignore me--that he took so much from me. Money. Drawings. My writing. So much of my attention and love. He took 5 years away from me that I could have given someone I actually was so in love with and still am. That acted mildly the same -- but actually had stuff going on-- I am and was so in love with that person. And All I could give him was consciously a year until everything that I felt with Logan came crashing down in remembrance. That I didnt even realize why I was really overwhelmed by it all until some how talking to a close friend of mine about everything really. Really hit me hard.

5 years.

I think.

5 years was stolen of me. 5 years of love. 5 years of who i was. 5 years of dedication. Of loyalty. Of patience. Of endurance.

I could have been a different and confident person who really believed in love and not riddled with anxieties that made me remember everything I put effort into didnt matter -- because this one person would make sure of reminding me what my actions would fall under.

Life is really hard,     and day by day I still learn things about myself.

And I just think, if you are still reading this. That you too are going through this. And that someone you know is going through this. And that we are all going through so much of this or more. And I just hope you are alright and that you are hanging on there because I want you to know that I am trying to. Very hard. To live and I dont want you to give up either so please hang in there with me. 

That is why when the group of people who often harass my community when they do not like someone.

Yes the same group every time.

Had finally had me in their sights its was overwhelming, I had thought wow -- this is what you ultimately came to understand from me? When I had tried hard to reach out to you. To be your friend. To consciously find a place where we can be together as people comfortable -- but no thats not the point I want to make.

It rattled me that it took people who knew nothing about me, to change the course of my environment just like that. I lost the hand full of people from that community I talked too . A friend I had been friends with since I was 17 . Simply because they were scared of being caught in that fire too. It was less about who I was, and more about them losing the safe haven they had. The fun group and comfort they had-- they did not want to lose that.

And I understand that. Im not mad at that, just concerned. Sad. And reeling in the fact that people can ultimately take things from each other with misplaced context. And the unfortunate circumstance that people will opt for this, instead of talking to one another.

So I am tired yes.

Because that happened, that whole thing happened while I as dealing with so much. And I had no answer for it. And that me talking about this is to tell you how effected I am by my life right now. And that it indeed upsurged my anxieties more uncomfortably so and not that that is bad or good. It merely is what it is.

And that as I am now, I am sorry. I am sorry and grievanced because I went backwards and am not as timely with things as I use to. I have been struggling to sleep, and when I wake up feel a sort of touched exhaustion that makes me feel like not getting out of bed. 

I am sorry since I cannot roleplay things most often for others that I would love to explore. That my interests as of late have been : what would make me laugh to roleplay. What would make me feel wholesome to roleplay. What can i say to talk to others? What can I do to connect with others?

My mind and interests as of late is more about; making myself feel better and coping through what means I can through roleplay or just talking rather then. Having fun with my hobby like I had been the past few months.

This is why alike on Gawain, my compliant is coming online and constantly seeing him hash’d negatively. In truth I deal with negative things on a day to day basis... I did not want to have it follow me online. If I post about it, then clearly I have left myself open for those things.. But often I dont and am trying to mind my business and roleplay leisurely when things erupt.

I am really sorry, because ultimately, I failed as a friend and as a fellow roleplayer. My talking about it is to correlate the truth but also to let people know how I am as a person. Even still.

I feel sometimes people think you know, ‘ Oh hey Sheep just excuses things. ‘ Rather its just Im a different kind of person from a harsh road of life and I see things a lot differently.

For this I will explain with a more literal example, 

Things that many people feel uncomfortable online. I myself cannot-- it is that merely I cannot. If someone is talking about something regarding their character that they were abused sexually and want to explore the meaning of this through roleplay. I do not find this insulting, I find myself glad. If people can find out what it means to have been sexually assaulted, maybe they can also connect with me too? And understand why its hard for me to expose my body ( or how overly okay I am to do so ) or how feeling /sexy/ can be a hard feeling for me to overcome.  I often see people mistaking things or not handling it correctly, but I want it to be done rather then ignored. Or treated like it doesnt happen. For an adult, this is how I separate my reality from fiction. But find a connection from my reality into something fictious. Further, as an adult I want to help people understand that difference.  It is very bad to feel gratified and pleased by subjects that are distasteful. But seeing it treated as if it cannot be spoken of discomforts me. This is a public place, but it is also a place where you control the content on your blog. By the end of the day, I will pick the things that will make me feel uncomfortable or wont make me uncomfortable.

With such a short example, I dont know if anyone read this far. I had hoped. And hope. These feelings can help others or really understand where I am with my life right now and how stressed out I really am. I cannot talk individually with people because I actually choke up. I have ADHD and often forget if I dont take it slow. And can get overstimulated by the fact that someone is merely listening/paying attention to me. I am quiet about myself because I dont like wide attention. 

But that.

The past weeks I have had such support in my life.

And I am trying not to cry thinking about it, but I have such a healthy circle of friends and I would do anything to see it through that it lasts for years to come. Me speaking like this is because of this. Because of the comfort. Because of my desire to reach out and branch out comfortably. To remind ppl of my life, and to apologize for where I am not most prominent and may suck at show casing things for. 

I probably will make a more positive post in the future about how everyone has helped me through so much -- like I am just a cup that is spilling about and everyone is trying hard to keep whatever is coming out from falling on the floor--s uch a silly analogy but really.

I am so thankful as much as I am apologetic.

Thank you guys for giving me a home where I most need it. It is why I want to be open and communicative. I want the place I come home to, that I enjoy and need to cope through things going on. To remain okay, to be alright, and that positive energy can still be shared.

And that I want to with all my heart, continue giving that positive energy to anyone around me the best that I can. With you understanding me as a person.

Thank you, if you have read this far. For taking the time to get to know me.

[galbinuscarnation]

The Last of the Real Ones

Chapter 3

Matthew tossed breadcrumbs to the ducks by the enormous pond in Hyde Park. He sat languid on the grass, and his legs were sprawled out in front of him to prevent the ducks from getting too close. The park was always occupied by tourists and locals alike, but today was particularly cloudy, not that it stopped Londoners from enjoying the outdoors. Matthew’s heart yearned to be able to appreciate mother nature’s beauty around him, but his mind continued to race. If only he could escape his current circumstance with his craft, but someone (His name was Charles Buford Fairchild) had to publicly tell the paparazzi the location of his salon, almost as if he thought he was doing his younger brother a favor. Matthew sighed, staring blankly at a duck that was brave enough to waddle closer to peck the bits by his feet.

No, Matthew certainly didn’t appreciate the “free advertising” that he knew his brother would justify his words with. Then again, he and Charles never saw eye to eye, and now with this trying time Charles was trying to build a persona of being a family man for reelection. At least, Matthew was certain that was why Charles was acting much bossier, asking more invasive questions about his life, and simply pushing Matthew’s boundaries with the aforementioned stunt. The salon was a sanctuary; a place that Matthew could express his knowledge without judgement, he could collect stories from his clients that would entertain him for days after. He was able to transform a person’s day by the rewarding smile on their faces, from the work Matthew poured his heart and soul into. His politician brother may have been elected by the people, but it was Matthew that heard their stories.

“She was right, you are wallowing.” a voice that Matthew hadn’t encountered in a month spoke, interrupting his thoughts. Matthew arched an eyebrow and glanced up at James Herondale with a practiced smile.

“Whatever are you talking about, Jamie?” He questioned. It was James turn to arch an eyebrow.

“I gave you permission to call me James, not my childish nickname.” He crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at Matthew. Matthew let out a short laugh and shook his head.

“Habit, I talk to your sister on a daily basis, it’s kind of ingrained in my mind now.” He explained, pointing to his noggin.

“Daily?” James practically squawked, starling the ducks and they quacked in protest. James turned his attention to the ducks with a sudden challenging smirk, and Matthew starred as James produced some seeds from his pockets and tossed them. “Ha!”

“Did I miss something, you looked as if you were going to challenge that duck to a duel.” Matthew commented and scooted his rear up a bit as the ducks flapped their wings and viciously pecked the ground.

“No, my father hates ducks, so I make every effort to pamper and offer my love in spite.” James smiled fondly at the ducks, and Matthew’s heart ached at the word Father.

“I’m sure Mr. Herondale will be displeased with your affections then,” Matthew attempted to joke, and even to his ears it sounded flat and tired. James crouched down to Matthew’s level and picked at the grass with his fingers.

“Perhaps…” He murmured and glanced up at Matthew, his eyes peeking through the glasses and bangs that put their best effort to obscure them. “I’m not very good at this Matthew so I’m going to tell you that Anna sent me to find you, but I didn’t have the foresight to ask what to do when I did…”

“She wants to know that I am okay and haven’t flung myself into the pond to become one with the water fowl,” Matthew sighed. “I’ll call her as soon as I get home, you didn’t need to come all this way, I’m a stranger to you.”

“This is true, but…” James grimaced. “I was by the salon...there was a crowd and I couldn't get through… your brother was present, and Anna.” Matthew winced when James mentioned Charles’ presence. “After he left Anna told me you’d be here, and locked the salon. Besides I don’t have much to do these days.”

Matthew ran a hand through his hair, combing through the bits with product and adding a more naturally haphazard style to it. “That’s so thoughtful...of both of you. I’m sorry you had to encounter my... less than thoughtful brother.”

“He said he wanted to give you a ride…” James sat on the grass finally, and gave Matthew a sympathetic glance, the kind of look that everyone had been offering lately.

“Yes,” Matthew nodded. “I have to go on with my days though, I can’t close my business until we get word of improvement, the only thing that matter to me is that my father’s alive, he’s awake, it’s just a precaution that he’s still in the hospital…” Matthew normally wouldn’t’ve rambled on about his family’s personal business, but he had the inexplicable sense that he could trust James, that he was someone that could listen to his woes without judgement or offering obligatory solutions. “I have to go home to my darling, make sure there’s food, pay my bills. I can’t… I can’t stop my life…” Matthew could feel his lip trembling and he covered his mouth to ironically stop himself from speaking.

“Matthew,” James reached out, but pulled his hand back a moment before placing it on Matthew’s shoulder. “Anna told me not to keep everything in… Now that I think about it, that's good advice.”

“I know…” Matthew coughed and rested his forehead on his palm. “But it hurts.” He sniffled and was surprised to see a tissue in his line of sight. He took it, giving James an apologetic look before he blew his nose. “Thanks…”

“I do have a question.” James asked after handing Matthew more tissues so he could dab his eyes. “Anna seemed awfully familiar with your brother and about you, why is that?”

“Anna?” Matthew chuckled a little. “She’s practically family. All of them are, in fact.”

“All as in the Lightwoods?” James sounded incredulous and Matthew glanced at James. “They’re my cousins.”

“Yes I’m aware,” Matthew told him carefully while watching James expression grow more confused and apprehensive. “Lucie filled me in after she realized the connection.” He offered as an explanation.

“How much of our lives does Lucie tell you?” James wondered. Matthew tilted his head to think about it, eyeing James as the man eyes bore into the ducks. Lucie and James were opposites, Matthew observed, when it came to discussing their private lives.

“She mostly tells me about her day? Fascinating stuff about the process of publishing. We talk about the Lightwoods a lot too.” Matthew settled with saying. James sighed and gave Matthew a desperate look.

“Has she spoken about me at all?” Matthew could tell it took great effort on James part to ask that, and now he noticed that despite his bold entrance, James was back creeping into a shell. Matthew put aside his own life’s difficulties for the moment, after all he was curious about James, had often asked about him even. Now Matthew was in front of him in the worst kind of circumstances, yet, he could see through James’ effort to find him that not all hope was lost. It wasn't a mere coincidence that they were six degrees separated in their social circles.

“She’s concerned about you. She never specified why it is but you’re back at home with your parents, and said that the haircut I gave you had been a tremendous help.” he admitted that much to James, owed it to him in fact.

The tension in James’ shoulders loosened, and he sighed deeply. “She was right.” He nodded and gave Matthew a wary glance. “I only ask because… your brother seemed to know about me. It was unsettling.”

“Charles?” Matthew couldn't believe his ears. As if his older brother would take an interest in someone unless it benefited him in some way. “Why?” James clasped his hands on his lap and looked away from Matthew. “What I’m about to tell you if something you’d have found out eventually… now that I know how close you are to that side of my family.

I was engaged to a woman named Grace, and we were in the middle of wedding plans when she told me… that she didnt love me. She longer wished to marry me. The problem was, we had already sent out invitations, booked our venue, ordered the food, everything. She left me in the dust to take care of the fall out, including telling our families. It was… humiliating, to say the least. I can’t help but think of how disappointed my parents are that I’ve spent my savings on this, instead of investing in my future.”

Now that James mentioned it, Matthew had heard some talk about a wedding from the Lightwoods. Thomas himself had asked Matthew if he had any expensive suits he could borrow, the minimalist he was. At James last sentence though, Matthew shook his head and reached out to clasped a hand on his shoulder. “I may not know much about your parents, but I know this, they want your happiness. Whatever money that was spent is inconsequential.”

“I could have gotten an education like they wanted,” James continued, shaking his head at Matthew. “It was the money they had saved up for that purpose. Of course, I had begged and convinced them that she was the one, that it was an investment to my future, they of all people would understand.” James shoulders shook and Matthew realized he was crying. “I’m… a failure. I’ve failed them.”

Matthew’s mouth parted, but recognized that this wasn’t an explanation for him, it was James finally letting go of the torment and closedness Matthew has witness in their first meeting. Matthew did what he knew was right, he wrapped his arms around him and squeezed. James froze in his hold, but after a moment rested his head on his shoulder. Matthew held James, forgetting about the ducks, the people walking the paths in the distance, about the darkening early evening sky. Matthew could hear James’ breaths evening out and eventually both of them pulled away. James quickly fished into his bag for more tissues as Matthew watched. He sat next to James, giving him the time he needed to collect himself.

“Why does your father hate ducks?” Matthew inquired, as the ducks waddled and quacked away.

“Childhood trauma…” James croaked, his voice still hoarse from crying. He coughed and Matthew gave James a reassuring smile. This seemed to brighten James, since he sat up straighter and gave a small smile back. “He claims they’re cannibals.”

“Cannibals?” Matthew laughed, wondering how on earth one would go about obtaining that information. “If you feed a duck anything it’ll try to eat it! That's what makes them animals.”

“Try telling that to him.” James shook his head. Matthew chuckled a bit more, and finally noticed how dark it was becoming. He let out a sigh and leaned back into the grass.

“The park closes at dusk, and I must get back to my flat,” He reluctantly informed James.

“Oh, then you should go.” James nodded, glancing at Matthew’s position. “Although… you look as if you’re about to sleep right there.”

“The grass is so soft,” Matthew pretended to close his eyes and laid down on his back. “Perhaps a short nap is in order.”

“Matthew,” James warned. Matthew let out a forced yawn, and his shoulders shook from James’s hands. “You can’t sleep here!”

“Oh alright, since you insist Jamie.” Matthew opened his eyes to give James a teasing smirk. He was not expecting to be confronted with James’ face mere inches away from his.

“James,” he huffed, correcting Matthew as he blinked up at him. Even as the daylight was dimming, Matthew could still see eyes of molten gold staring at him, and although they were a bit red, and nearly covered by bangs, Matthew found himself becoming lost in their light.

“Right,” Matthew cleared his throat as James pulled away, standing up and adjusting the messenger bag on his shoulder. Matthew got up and dusted himself off, checking his phone for the time… if he quickly went to relieve Thomas from dog sitting he’ll have time for a short visit to the hospital.

“So long,” James said, and Matthew’s head snapped up at the realization that James was leaving so soon.

“Wait!” He clutches James’ sleeve and received a startled look. “Wait… would you like to… come with me to my flat?”

“To… your flat?” James repeated, and started shaking his head. Matthew’s grip tightened, he had no idea why this anxiety came over him, but from James’ tug he realized he was holding too tightly. He released James with an apology.

“Sorry, you must be anxious to get home yourself.”

“Not really,” James admitted with a sigh. “I… can't confront my parents at the moment ”

“Understandable.” Matthew nodded, attempting to mask his sudden disappointment.

“I… would be willing to drop you off?” James told him. Matthew stared at James for a beat too long before breaking out a grin he couldn't contain.

“Great!” He clapped James’ back, and James chuckled at his giddiness.

“Only because you looked as if I kicked your puppy.” James teased.

“If you kick my puppy I will smite you!” Matthew threatened and James laughed.

“I wouldn't dare!”

Matthew and James arrived at the flat, and Matthew heard the barks of Adele greeting him. He put the key in the knob, but paused, with the sudden realization that he forgot to mention something to James. As he opened his mouth to explain, the door swung open to reveal Thomas, looking dishevelled as if he had been asleep. Matthew froze as Thomas regarded him tiredly, before his eyes landed on James.

“Oh hullo James, long time no see.” Thomas greeted, rubbing his neck bashfully but giving his distant cousin a friendly smile. James was stiff and silent and Matthew silently cursed himself for his recklessness. A blur of black and white bounded between Thomas’ legs, and Thomas chuckled as Adele sniffed James’ and Matthew’s legs as well, before stretching her paws up on Matthew.

“Well I should be getting home…” James said quietly, and Matthew scooped Adele up so she wouldn’t run around everywhere. He gave Thomas a helpless glance, which Thomas raised an eyebrow at but continued to face James with his friendly posture.

“Really? The kettle’s still warm, you could stay for a cuppa.” Thomas offered, and Matthew smiled gratefully at Thomas for at least attempting to amend the awkwardness that transpired.

“No really, my parents will be worried,” James glanced between Thomas and Matthew with a wistful stare that Matthew couldn’t interpet. “Enjoy your tea…” With that James briskly turned and headed down the steps. Matthew held Adele tightly as he watched James’ retreating back, and she licked his face sensing his queasiness. When the door downstairs shut, Matthew sagged against the wall with a frustrated groan, startling Adele and she leapt out of his hold, thudding on the ground loudly. Thomas ushered her into the apartment and shut the door, before facing Matthew with a bemused expression.

“Matthew? What was that about?” He asked kindly, and leaned against the wall on his shoulder. “James was always aloof, but that was weird even for him.”

“I don’t know!” Matthew wasn’t sure how much to tell Thomas, who was one of the people he never kept things from. He never disclosed that his thoughts wandered back to the memory of James, once he was away from the turmoil of the hospital, and had the energy that he lately almost never had once he was home. He hardly had the words to describe his instantaneous need to find out more about him, about how he subtly managed to get bits of information from Lucie, who was only too eager to offer, but then would immediately backtrack because he wanted to find out from James himself. How he had secretly been keeping his salon open all month in hopes that James would wander back, even if he couldn’t be there in person on his father’s worsened days. How despite only meeting him once, Matthew was completely, and utterly, under the spell of James open and laughing eyes as they conversed, when the man had entered his space guarded in spirit, and hiding behind his spectacles and books.

“Are you certain? Or you don’t want me to know?” Thomas saw right through Matthew, though how much he saw, Matthew wouldn’t know. He let out a deep sigh and put a hand on his forehead, he couldn’t keep this up even if he tried.

“I’m sick,” He began. Thomas raised his eyebrows and gave him an expectant glance to continue. “...as in lovesick.”

“Ah, well that can be fixed easily- Wait, what does that have to do with James…? Oh.” Thomas stared wide eyed at Matthew for a moment to digest this information, and then shoved his shoulder. “Lovesick? Really Matthew?”

“It’s no joke, I am gravely afflicted.” Matthew continued, and Thomas grinned at him.

“James huh?” He then looked concerned and leaned in to whisper. “Are you sure? He’s...well you see he was recently in a serious relationship…”

“He told me,” Matthew sighed, and stared at his hand for a moment, before placing it down. “I think… I’ve been too forward. I haven’t given him any time to adjust… I’m shameless.”

“How long have you known each other? You always take him to your flat?” Thomas asked genuinely, trying to make sense of the situation. “Also stop that, you’re not shameless, you’re passionate.”

“No, in fact tonight was my second encounter, and I basically dragged him over here without giving it any thought Thomas!” Matthew groaned.

“Well…” Thomas looked sheepish. “Then you may have a different problem on your hands and I’m afraid I didn’t help any.”

“What could you possibly mean?” Matthew stared at Thomas, how could he blame himself for something that he only just found out about?

“Well, consider how this may look to a man you’ve been ‘forward’ with. Being invited to your flat, together, with your dog, and arriving only to find a man not related to you sleeping on your couch and caring for your beloved pet. Also, said person happens to be related to him and knows about his romantic history.”

Matthew knew where this was going before Thomas even finished and slid on the floor defeated. “Bloody hell, I really messed this up!”

Thomas slid down to sit next to him and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Want me to contact Lucie? Maybe get James’ number to apologize?”

“Thomas, you are perfect,” Matthew patted Thomas’ face, who scrunched up his wide nose in confusion. “But not necessary.” Matthew took his own phone out and began to dial Lucie Herondale’s number. “That’s what I need to do.”

“Oh, then I can go home now? To sleep?” Thomas asked Matthew hopefully. Desperate scratches and whines came from behind the door and both Matthew and Thomas stood up. Matthew nodded at Thomas, phone in his ear, and waved his good friend goodbye, before opening his door and shutting it. He was going to make this up to James, as a new friend, instead of being lead astray by his selfish wants for something more. James deserved better, he deserved to be allowed time for that kind of a decision, Matthew decided.

[m0onbean]

strangers to lovers!AU with moonbin

genre: floOf!! strangers to lovers!AU

warnings: orchestra jokes

note: this literally happened to my sister except she didn’t get with him LMAO (and she’s in band but i’m in orchestra so i’m gonna make this AU about orchestra okay suck it candace)

in your school, orchestra is very competitive like... instead of sports being the “big” thing in typical high schools... at your town it was playing string instruments

so of course, everybody who was skilled at playing their string instrument was already deemed cool

you’re.. already at step 1... there’s just ONE problem

you’re last chair of the cellos

(note: in orchestras, the players are sorted in their seating chart by their skill. first chair is the chair closest to the conductor, so they’re the best out of their section. if you’re last chair... well.. you’re the least skilled LMAO)

bUT HEY!!!! you weren’t to blame !!!!

you first started to learn how to play the cello only a month ago

despite your private cello tutor’s efforts to spice you up it just didn’t work much. cellos are hard to play Ok

and even though it is a little embarrassing you can’t find yourself to care bc in the end you’re only doing this for your VPA credit LMFAO + your good friend MJ is also last chair in his viola section so the two of you were the Dynamic Duo. “the strings kings” as he calls it

“MJ never call us that again” “dang Y/N don’t get your bow so tightened” “MJ i swear to god-“

alrighty so your school is having a competition so your entire orchestra has to take a field trip to a fancy concert hall to perform

and so everyone in your orchestra is all panicking and tuning their strings cuz the bus is arriving soon

and when you’re done packing your cello, you look around to try and find MJ and that’s when you find a familiar(?) back and you’re like “MJ!!!!”

so you run up and smack his plush butt since that’s how you always greet him

...but you realize

this man is way too tall....

and when he turns around in utter confusion you’re like

shit........... S H I T

BECAUSE YOU JUST SPANKED THE BUTT OF A STRANGER

AND WHEN HE TURNS AROUND YOU REalize that he’s frEAKING FIRST CHAIR OF THE VIOLINS: MOONBIN

anD in your mind everything is scrambled into a mess bc first of all, it’s tHE FIRST CHAIR OF THE VIOLINS. AKA the king of the orchestra!!! literally he sits on a throne!!! he invented the word “orchestra”!!

AND IT WASNT EVEN LIKE A LOWKEY SLAP... it wAs like a FULL, haRD whack

so you’re out here apologizing several times and bowing your head frantically

but when you look up Moonbin is actually all cool about it

he’s just like “oh!!!! i wAs just... surprised” and you’re like “omfg i’m so sorry just end my life here right now i’m ready to be taken by the gods”

but he’s just like pffftttt i don’t blame you this ass is thicc asf

and you’re like ... wot

then he’s laughing and his eyes are crinkled up and he looks like a puppy & you’re like wow this man is so beautiful

but you remember you’re talking to the FIRST CHAIR VIOLIN and you get all

blushy from receiving this individual attention from him

so you excuse yourself and run away to whoever knows where so you can crumble and die from embarrassment

when the bus arrives and you find MJ to be your seat partner he asks why you look so drained

and you’re like... please i don’t want to talk about it

at the competition you’re still embarrassed bc honestly you technically sexually harassed him and that just goes unexcused but he was so chill about it like how?? and why??

and you don’t realize it but you’re zoning out while shamefully plucking the strings of your cello when suddenly a head pops up in front of you and you’re like bITCHWTF but when you see it’s moonbin you’re like- oh.. Ooh??

and he’s like “are you ready for the concert!!” and you’re like “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh notreally”

and he’s all smiley and happy that it’s nearly impossible not to at least smile back

yet you still can’t believe you’re talking to him !!!! especially because you’re pretty sure everybody is staring at the two of you talking rn and is like Why is the last chair cello and first chair violin talking ????

you two end up complaining about how the concert hall doesn’t provide you guys free food and laugh about your conductor’s bald spot

the performance goes well and you feel all giddy when moonbin tells you that you did well when you get back to the school

you end up messaging him for the first time on Instagram and apologize once again for slapping his buttkckskskaoa

he ends up dismissing it and assures you that it was nice

and you were like ....???wHAT

but he quickly corrects himself in the next message bubble and is liKE “wAIT I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT-“

that’s when you start to question his kinks

at school he starts to normally hang around you and even offers to play your cello and for you play to his violin

the star musician is actually better than you at the cello even though he’s only played it a few times before

you don’t even know how to hold the violin bow RIP

whenever you’re not in orchestra class together, he somehow manages to find you while you’re studying in the library or walking around the hallways

at first you’re a little taken aback at how persistent he is to maintain your odd friendship but you actually don’t mind at all

he suggests to tutor you so you can sight read pieces better and you of course take up that offer...

for the first quarter of the “lesson” it was actually learning while the other time was spent lounging on his couch while talking about both of your hardships and goals in life

despite being pressured as the star musician of the school, he loves and can perfectly handle it

his parents and teachers are always praising him and that motivates him to enter a musical college and major in Music Education and maybe start his own teaching business

his dreams are always so realistic and hopeful at the same time that you just admire how hard working he is and how he manages to not crack like an egg under all of this stress honestly

MJ starts getting a little jealous and pouts when you started to hang around moonbin more often but at the same time is secretly rooting for the two of you to hook up wHAT

moonbin ends up spending a LOT of time with you... in fact he spends so much time with you that you can’t recall what it was like not being around him

somewhere throughout the friendship there’s a turning point where you realize he’s not just your friend.. or you don’t want him to be JUST that

it comes at no surprise when you shyly ask him to be your boyfriend while you two are cuddling in your living room while listening to classical music in the background with him reading a book and you playing with his fingers

his response? a little scoff like “isn’t it obvious we are practically already dating”

you’re a bit hesitant to fully submerge yourself into this relationship bc you always need to remind yourself of both of your circumstances... he’s first chair violin and he’s like wayyyyy above you and it worries you bc you care about his reputation

and when you voice these concerns to him he just pets you and softly says “(y/n)... it’s literally just string instruments . nobody cares”

... he’s totally right though. nobody cares at all lmaooolo,, except maybe all of his fans that were hoping to date him... but moonbin is totally oblivious that he has a fan club LMFAO

your relationship is so pure and innocent yet it still makes your head spin and heart feel so tingly

moonbin is romantic af and wouldn’t hesitate to pluck a flower off the ground and tuck it behind your ear casually

he would like to always compliment your voice and say it’s the best music he’s ever heard and will ever hear

likes to compose his own songs and title them very lowkey things that all refer to you such as... Untied Shoelaces or Beautiful Eyes

other times he’ll just flat out title the song “(Y/N)”

likes to kiss you... a lot.

kisses you everywhere and whenever. in the music room, when he’s about the leave your house after a night of studying and cuddling, while you’re just playing the cello and he thinks you look cute, when there’s a red stop light so he can pause driving and peck your lips

you two are so open that it’s so easy telling him anything. for ex you’re constantly worried about your future and feel like you’re lacking. he makes sure to tell you that you’re doing fine and that you’ll succeed at whatever you do

and you comfort him and remind him to take a break since he’s always striving for the best so he tends to overwork and be really hard on himself

Moonbin always teases you for being so entranced by his butt the first time you met and thanks to your butt fetish, the two of you are together now

and you can’t really deny it because... well.. he’s not wrong lmaooo

dates would include him in your room at 10pm complaining about how even though classical music goes underappreciated these days that doesn’t mean that modern pop music isn’t good while laying his head in your lap as you run your fingers through his hair and nod your head whenever he makes a good point

occasionally he’ll cook for you and you’ll try to compensate by cooking for him too but it never ends up good (AKA you two end up burning all of the food) so you guys resort to ordering pizza

moonbin is so grateful that you understand him and remind him that he is a human that needs a break, too

and you’re grateful that he’s so understanding and genuinely cares about you

he even confesses that one of the main reasons why he took interest in you was because you were last chair cello but you didn’t slack off at all

even though you think he’s the most hard working person you know, he thinks the same about you

eventually MJ meets Jinjin, a trombone player, and immediately goes on a double date with you & binnie

you almost shed tears at how in love MJ is with Jinjin and the four of you are literally the best squad to have happened

in conclusion, you and moonbin love eachother so much and are perfect bye