#all things she feels towards him at different points! but her preoccupation with his responses and feelings about them is a constant

[anghraine]

I was just thinking about the through lines of Elizabeth's characterization and her relationship with Darcy, and I'm really fond of this one:

[Mrs Bennet:] “Ay, that is because you [Bingley] have the right disposition. But that gentleman,” looking at Darcy, “seemed to think the country was nothing at all.” “Indeed, mamma, you are mistaken,” said Elizabeth, blushing for her mother. “You quite mistook Mr Darcy.”

-

Elizabeth tried hard to dissuade him [Mr Collins] from such a scheme; assuring him that Mr. Darcy would consider his addressing him without introduction as an impertinent freedom, rather than a compliment to his aunt; that it was not in the least necessary there should be any notice on either side, and that if it were, it must belong to Mr Darcy, the superior in consequence, to begin the acquaintance. [...]with a low bow he left her to attack Mr Darcy, whose reception of his advances she eagerly watched, and whose astonishment at being so addressed was very evident. Her cousin prefaced his speech with a solemn bow, and though she could not hear a word of it, she felt as if hearing it all, and saw in the motion of his lips the words “apology,” “Hunsford,” and “Lady Catherine de Bourgh.”

-

In vain did Elizabeth endeavour to check the rapidity of her mother’s words, or persuade her to describe her felicity in a less audible whisper; for to her inexpressible vexation she could perceive that the chief of it was overheard by Mr Darcy, who sat opposite to them. [...] “For heaven’s sake, madam, speak lower. What advantage can it be to you to offend Mr Darcy? You will never recommend yourself to his friend by so doing.” Nothing that she could say, however, had any influence. Her mother would talk of her views in the same intelligible tone. Elizabeth blushed and blushed again with shame and vexation. She could not help frequently glancing her eye at Mr Darcy, though every glance convinced her of what she dreaded; for though he was not always looking at her mother, she was convinced that his attention was invariably fixed by her.

-

That he [Darcy] was surprised by the connection was evident: he sustained it, however, with fortitude: and, so far from going away, turned back with them, and entered into conversation with Mr Gardiner. Elizabeth could not but be pleased, could not but triumph. It was consoling that he should know she had some relations for whom there was no need to blush. She listened most attentively to all that passed between them, and gloried in every expression, every sentence of her uncle, which marked his intelligence, his taste, or his good manners.

Elizabeth was now most heartily sorry that she had, from the distress of the moment, been led to make Mr Darcy acquainted with their fears for her sister; for since her marriage would so shortly give the proper termination to the elopement, they might hope to conceal its unfavourable beginning from all those who were not immediately on the spot. She had no fear of its spreading farther, through his means. There were few people on whose secrecy she would have more confidently depended; but at the same time there was no one whose knowledge of a sister’s frailty would have mortified her so much. Not, however, from any fear of disadvantage from it individually to herself; for at any rate there seemed a gulf impassable between them.

-

During their [Elizabeth and Darcy's] walk, it was resolved that Mr. Bennet’s consent should be asked in the course of the evening: Elizabeth reserved to herself the application for her mother’s. She could not determine how her mother would take it; sometimes doubting whether all his wealth and grandeur would be enough to overcome her abhorrence of the man; but whether she were violently set against the match, or violently delighted with it, it was certain that her manner would be equally ill adapted to do credit to her sense; and she [Elizabeth] could no more bear that Mr Darcy should hear the first raptures of her joy, than the first vehemence of her disapprobation.

-

Lady Catherine had been rendered so exceedingly angry by the contents of her nephew’s letter, that Charlotte, really rejoicing in the match, was anxious to get away till the storm was blown over. At such a moment, the arrival of her friend was a sincere pleasure to Elizabeth, though in the course of their meetings she must sometimes think the pleasure dearly bought, when she saw Mr Darcy exposed to all the parading and obsequious civility of her husband.

-

"I [Lydia] am sure Wickham would like a place at court very much; and I do not think we shall have quite money enough to live upon without some help. Any place would do of about three or four hundred a year; but, however, do not speak to Mr Darcy about it, if you had rather not." As it happened that Elizabeth had much rather not, she endeavoured in her answer to put an end to every entreaty and expectation of the kind. Such relief, however, as it was in her power to afford, by the practice of what might be called economy in her own private expenses, she frequently sent them.

me, every time: oh, Elizabeth.

[cafeinthemoon]

The Home I Crave - Chapter 9

Title: The Home I Crave

Genre: Fanfiction

Pairing: Tobirama Senju x reader

Rating: teen and up

Word count: 2654

Chapter: 9/?

Symbols: ⭕ | ➕ | 💛 | ▶️▶️

Read the previous chapters here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8

N. A.: So I changed it! Maybe I should have chosen a gif where he's making one of his 😳 faces but well

Chapter 9 - Nausea

You kept your eyes on the bowl before you for so long that you almost forgot your surroundings. When your meal was served, you were enchanted by the warmth and the smell of condiments, but now the steam was gone and your nostrils were used to the scents, and you were just holding your hashi pretending to listen to the conversation around you.

The hardest part was to know that, if the circumstances were different, you would be enjoying every minute: the company of your brother-in-law and his wife was as pleasing as can be, the food was well prepared and the environment was light, comfortable; you even felt like part of your burden was taken off your shoulders with their reception.

During the dinner, Mito made a few questions about your adaptation to the new place and how you were dealing with the practical matters; you did your best to answer them without revealing too much, but you could tell that she wasn’t entirely convinced of your well being: unlike your previous meetings with her, you didn’t make a single question now, and were choosing your words with excessive caution, as if you didn’t want to give space to any discussion. You didn’t want to discuss anything now: your thoughts were all with your family, your sister on the compound. So far from you. You had no idea of how things were going with them, and what you could do to help.

Yet you were there having dinner with your new friends, who expected you to smile, to talk and cheer up as they were doing.

You started to think of their life together.

During the days you spent in the Hokage’s house, you had countless opportunities to observe him and Mito together, and the signs about their good relationship where there for anyone to see: the way they talked to each other, joked on each other and complimented one another while talking to other people revealed not only the existence of a romantic connection, but a solid friendship, built on mutual knowledge, respect and appreciation. They lived happy together, and were happy to live together.

Why couldn’t you have the same, then? You knew they had to work hard to find a way to build their good life despite not knowing each other and not choosing to be married, because not only their happiness depended on it, but the entire structure of an alliance. You were aware of this too; you were taught about this since you’ve heard about the possibility of an arranged marriage for the first time. You’ve been preparing to it, and were sure you’ve been doing your best to do your part. However, you didn’t feel your efforts were being acknowledged, not in words and even less in actions. Tobirama didn’t seem to make any effort to be with you except when you had work together, and even in such occasions he barely looked at you; your questions and other requests were received and processed with all the possible formality, as if you were strangers instead of two people who lived under the same roof. And now you just found out that some things were being kept out of your knowledge, just like you were an inexperienced assistant instead of a shinobi who worked directly with the head of your clan, exactly like your husband.

Even during missions with your own people in dangerous territories and in teams where you didn’t know everyone so well, you received a better treatment.

You started feeling something revolving inside your stomach, something that would surely come out if you stood there smelling that bowl for one more minute. It was when you noticed the conversation around you ceased and now someone was calling your name.

It was Hashirama.

- Y/n-san? Are you feeling well?

You raised your eyes to him, not knowing what to say.

- I was asking if you’re feeling well – he asked for the second time – You look pale.

You alternated your gaze between him and the bowl.

- I… I think I’m not going to finish this – and shaking your head – I’m sorry.

- You did not eat well during lunch, y/n-san.

It was Tobirama’s voice beside you. He was paying attention too. Should you be surprised to hear him telling you that you were supposed to eat well when your sister was sick and you wouldn’t even know if it depended on him?

- You should compensate it now.

You almost left him without a verbal response, but you didn’t want to look rude in front of Mito and Hashirama.

- I’m not hungry. I won’t be able to eat anything else tonight.

But that was not enough for him: he started to try and convince you to not leave with your stomach empty, which would interfere in your sleep and then in your performance the next day when you would have work waiting for you and etc.

- We will probably spend half of our day working at my brother’s office tomorrow. You need to be prepared.

- I know. But I’ve reached my limit today…

While Tobirama insisted on that, his brother and Mito tried to fix the situation, pointing out the same things as him but in a softer manner. You tried your best to put an end in that conversation, both because you wouldn’t eat and because you didn’t want to hear his voice for any longer. Why was so hard for that man to understand what no means?

And then came the moment when your patience was gone.

- Y/n-san, you...

- I said no!

When you stopped speaking, the silence that fell around you was heavy. Tobirama, who finally gave up on making up your mind, only stared at you, his lips shut so tight they became paler than the rest of his skin; if it was shock or anger what you saw in those red eyes, you couldn’t tell. You looked down at your hand holding the hashi and swallowed when you saw that you broke it in half.

You didn’t have the courage to look around or say anything else. You dropped the broken hashi on the table and left it, mumbling an inaudible “Excuse me” and almost running toward the bathroom.

***

Since you haven’t eating well that day, you didn’t thought it was possible to throw all of that out of your mouth, but that was exactly what you did. The thing you sensed in your stomach when you were at the table was finally expelled, and you were glad that you managed to reach the bathroom before it happened.

When you were done with it, you needed a moment to restore your normal breathing. Your vision, which has darkened after you left the table, came back, and you could leave the cabin and go to the sink to wash the bitter taste from your mouth and the sweat on your face; fortunately, you weren’t a fan of heavy makeup.

You heard a soft hand knocking on the door and knew it was Mito.

- Y/n-san? Are you okay? – and after a pause, to which you didn’t respond – Can I come in?

Again you said nothing, but after cleaning your face, you opened it.

The princess looked at you with a worried gaze, but the shock for your state didn’t affect her capacity of action. She entered the room and locked the door behind her before anyone could appear, then turned to you.

- I knew things were not going well since I came to your house this morning. I guess you understand why I invited you here – she held your shoulders with firmness, but the gesture didn’t lack gentleness – Tell me. What’s going on between you?

If it was because of her direct question or because you just threw up, it didn’t matter. You felt your legs weakening, your head getting dizzy and your eyes burning with a new flow of tears. You hid your face in your hands and for minutes, you weren’t able to say a word.

You felt Mito’s arms holding you in a tight hug, which prevented you from falling. When you were able to look into her eyes again, you already knew you couldn’t lie; to be honest, you wouldn’t be capable of doing so. Not in those conditions.

You just let everything out.

- I… I can’t do this, Mito-san… Not this way…

She frowned.

- You can’t do what? What are you talking about? – and lowering her voice – I can guess you just threw up. Are you expecting?

The anger and the deception you felt when you heard the word expecting almost made you throw again.

- How can I be expecting if that man haven’t touched me at least once? – you raised your eyes to hers – He never even tried! He barely looks at me! He has no interest in me! – you wiped the tears as you spoke – He prefers to sleep in his office than by my side!

Despite the visible preoccupation, Mito was not the type to lose her judgment in front of problems. Even more in that moment, when the stability of a treaty was being tested.

- Listen to me. I know Tobirama is not easy to deal with. I know. But what exactly did he do to make you feel this way? – she approached you and whispered – When I visited you today… You just had an argument. What happened there?

You nodded and described the situation involving the letter and your sister the best you could. But the Uzumaki wanted to know more.

- And this was not the first conflict you had, wasn’t it?

You explained that it wasn’t, though it was the first heated argument you had. You told her about that time when you tried to speak to him about the conditions of the treaty, the travel, your people and other necessary topics, but he wasn’t willing to make any concessions; speaking the truth, he barely heard what you had to say. He didn’t like to be contradicted and was convinced that he found the best solutions to the needs of your clan, even when both your father and his brother agreed with you on the said matters in the meeting, in which he was not present. Besides, you knew the circumstances of your people in a way that he could only dream, but that didn’t seem enough for him to give you the credit you deserved.

- He has no respect for me or my work, Mito-san – you confessed with bitterness – He doesn’t see me as an advisor, even less as a shinobi. He thinks I am some amateur who only got her position thanks to her bloodline but never learned how things really work and believes that only her passion is enough to make everything happen – your anger grew as you spoke; it was becoming harder to control your tone – I’ve never faced such disdain in my entire career, and I can tell you that I’ve seen many things during these years. I can stand the worst environments in a mission, but this I can’t tolerate. My people don’t deserve to be in such hands.

Mito’s expression changed when you mentioned your people. If she was guessing your struggle to live with Tobirama and was thinking of ways to help you, now she had no doubts about the gravity of the situation.

- This marriage, this treaty… It’s impossible to go on with this. Impossible! – you continued – I always knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but since the start I’ve sensed that something wasn’t right, and yet I tried to make it work, I gave my time, my effort, I did what I could to maintain peace inside his house, to do what was best for us, to talk, to… – and speaking lower, slower – I should have trusted my guts and warned my father about this. No one can live in peace with that man. No matter how hard you try. He was made to be alone.

The princess was now more serious than you ever expected to see her. She didn’t judge you nor interrupted you, but she had some things to tell you before taking any measures.

- Y/n-san, listen carefully – she held your hands with unusual firmness – I understand this feeling of… regret you are experiencing now. I understand it better than I’d like to tell you. You wish you’ve heard your inner instincts and spoke to your father about this, but for some reason you decided to go ahead and accept the terms and now that you found out that things are harder than you could predicted, you can’t help thinking you’ve made a mistake. I know, I get it. But you were also aware that many things would depend on you two keep living together in Konoha since the start. We are not speaking only of two people here. We are speaking about an alliance between two clans, which includes all the measures taken to maintain peace between them above all. If we want peace, the things we do now must follow this condition.

Those words touched deep inside you. They were the last thing you wanted to say to yourself, yet the very thing you needed to remind yourself of. Not so long ago, war was everything each clan knew and cared about; an alliance between them was something impossible, and a sequence of alliances that later would result in the foundation of the first Ninja Village in the world was less than a dream. Thanks to the hard work of many people – including your husband – this dream came true. Now that your clan was included in this, you would have to be careful as you’ve never been in your life – your actions could mean the maintenance of peace between your clans, or the death of it.

You and Mito exchanged silent looks that let it clear that you were aware of this responsibility. You took a deep breath.

- Thank you, Mito-san – you gave her hands a soft squeeze in response to her help – I know exactly what I have to do. I always knew. I just thought… my husband didn’t. His actions and the way he spoke about my people didn’t let his peaceful intentions very clear to me. It made me wonder if we would ever be on the same page.

The princess nodded, clearly relieved that her work there was successfully done.

- What are you going to do now? – and with a distinct bright in her eyes – Are you going to make sure you two will be on the same page?

You shook your head in agreement.

- Of course. This is why I was sent here in the first place.

She smiled.

- Alright – she turned to the bathroom’s door – Let’s go back to the table and see how the boys are doing without us.

You didn’t move; Mito was going to open the door, but gave up when she noticed your hesitation.

- What’s wrong?

You crossed your arms.

- I’m just not in the mood for dinner. I’m going back home.

She raised an eyebrow.

- Yes, you’re still a bit pale, after all. Maybe it’s better for you to go home… – she stared at you – Is that all?

You chose to be honest with her.

- Can you go with me, or at least say to them that I’m leaving? – you swallowed – I need a moment for myself. I don’t think I’d stand being alone with him right now.

- I see. Well, wait here. I’m going to talk to them, then we go to your house together.

You hugged her, no hiding your relief.

- Thank you for this. And can you please tell your husband that I’m sorry for the hashi?

Mito laughed at this.

- As you wish.

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: A Fight in the Shadows (1/16)

Summary: After her grandfather Grumman’s death in mysterious circumstances, private detective Riza Hawkeye receives a letter from him, instructed to be delivered to her after his demise. She is floored to discover he was the head of the Amestrian Intelligence Network, and the secrets he’s found out are deep and dangerous. He mentions a conspiracy within the military, and instructs her to gather together a group of individuals he trusts to assist her in continuing his work.

To say that they’re a rag-tag bunch is putting it kindly, but when they finally get their act together and delve into the mystery, they uncover something that will shake the very foundations of Amestris…

An espionage AU with some core canon elements.

Rated: T

==

A Fight in the Shadows

[AO3]

One

Roy

In all of her years working as a private detective, Riza had learned that one really ought to expect the unexpected, especially in a place like Amestris, and especially in a place like Central City. It took a lot to phase her; working on the principle that she had already seen everything there was to see and that whatever latest Central Weirdness was about to arrive at her door, it couldn’t be any weirder than everything she had already dealt with. 

That said, she really wasn’t expecting to get a letter from her grandfather a week after he died. 

Riza knew that her grandfather had died. She had been the one the hospital had called to identify his body, and she had certainly identified it beyond all reasonable doubt as Charles Grumman. Now, she had indeed come across cases of people faking their deaths before, but she had no reason to assume that this was what her grandfather had done. He had no earthly reason to do so. He had spent his entire life working as an unimportant pen-pushing bureaucrat in some backroom government department in Eastern, and he had died in a car accident. That was all there was to it. 

The letter, however, implied that there was definitely more to it than Riza anticipated. 

It was definitely from Grumman. She recognised the same handwriting that had left odd little flowery messages in her birthday cards for as long as she could remember. Sitting there so innocently on her desk where she had brought it in unknowingly with the rest of the mail, it seemed to be hiding a multitude of secrets. 

The most logical explanation, of course, was that it had been written and sent prior to his demise and had just been delayed in the post. There was nothing suspicious about that. 

Except, of course, for the fact that her grandfather never wrote to her except for the aforementioned birthday cards. And he certainly never addressed the letters as ‘private and confidential, for the eyes of R. HAWKEYE only’. 

Riza was beginning to think that perhaps he had faked his death after all. She sighed. Whatever was in the letter, she knew that the moment she opened it, she was going to end up getting into something far deeper than she had any intention of getting into anything, and it would be a one way trip. She would not be able to back out. A part of her was screaming to just burn the letter and pretend it had never arrived, and then go on with her day. Another part was telling her that whether she read it or not, she was involved now – Grumman had ensured that from the moment he had sent it. 

She snatched up the letter before she could second guess herself and sliced it open with such force that Hayate gave a worried yelp, perhaps concerned that she would turn the letter opener on him next. 

It was from Grumman all right. Riza sank down into her desk chair as she read the tightly packed text that proved to her once and for all that there were some unexpected things that really could never be expected, and that she had not, in fact, seen everything. 

To the outside observer, the letter would have been gibberish. It was gibberish to Riza herself until she remembered how much her grandfather had always loved word games. He had been creating codes for her to play with ever since she could read and write; it had always been their little thing that they could bond over, something that she could keep secret from her father and have as wholly her own.

Grumman hadn’t written to her in code for a very long time, not since her teen years, but she had still kept all the ciphers he had created with her, including the most complicated one that she had been so proud of creating. She recognised some of it in the letter, and she settled down with a pencil and the main cipher, beginning the painstaking task of decoding it all character by character.

With the deciphering complete, she read the letter through three times before the true meaning of it really started to sink in, and she knew that Grumman had definitely got her involved with something she could not back out of, and she was already in it up to her neck. 

At least she was now fairly certain that he had not faked his death, even though she now knew that he was not, and never had been, an unimportant pen-pushing bureaucrat. No, no. In life, Charles Grumman had been the head of the Amestrian Intelligence Service. 

In short, her grandfather had not only been a spy, he’d been the most important spy in the country.

At least that explained his preoccupation with secret codes. It hadn’t just been an odd fancy to keep her entertained. He had been training her up to follow in his footsteps and ensuring that if something ever happened, like it had indeed just happened, then he had someone he could trust and a code no-one else knew how to break.

Riza leaned heavily on the desk and began on the letter for the fourth time, still not quite believing what she was reading. 

My dear Riza,

If you are reading this letter, then I am dead. The circumstances will probably look like natural causes or an accident, but they will have been anything but. I am leaving this letter in the care of a trusted associate, to be delivered in the event of my untimely demise. 

I don’t know if you ever suspected the true nature of my profession at any point, but the time has come to be candid with you. I am, and have always been, an intelligence operative. I am a spy for the Amestrian Intelligence Service, and it is as a result of this intelligence that I have found myself in a very dangerous position. 

I know it is unfair of me to put this onto your young shoulders and put you into this same dangerous position, but in this profession you learn to trust few and trust even fewer with your life. I think I may have trusted the wrong people, but I have always trusted you. You are a bloodhound, Riza, and I know that you will sniff out those responsible for my death and continue the work that I have started, exposing the terrible truth that underpins the entirety of Amestris, because I know I have only just begun to scratch the surface of what is going on in our country. 

There are a few individuals whom I do trust to assist you, and I advise you to find and make use of their many and varied talents. To make things easier, I have also sent a letter like this one to the first of these contacts. I don’t know if you have kept up with the career of your father’s former student, but you must have heard in among of the renown of the one they call the Flame Alchemist. Roy Mustang is in fact an intelligence operative like myself and is my most trusted subordinate. He has his own off-book network who should provide you with a wide range of skills you may need. 

If all has gone to plan, Mustang should be arriving in Eastern on the day you receive this letter…

Riza remembered Roy Mustang. They’d practically lived in each other’s pockets for the two years that he had been apprenticed under her father, learning the secrets of flame alchemy. There had been talk of him joining the military academy (and of course, her father’s reaction to that particular suggestion had been well-documented), but when the time came, he had chosen a different path, and after his training was finished and he had left the Hawkeye home for the final time, Riza had not seen him again.

A part of her had always wondered what he had ended up doing. After her father’s death she had not kept up with the gossip and rumours in the alchemy circles. After everything that had happened, she had wanted to keep as far away from it all as possible. Almost unconsciously, she reached around behind her, touching the small of her back as if she could still feel the sharp sting of the needle there as her father bound her up indelibly with his research. 

So no, she had not heard of the renown of the Flame Alchemist. At least now she knew what Roy had been up to in the intervening years. She had been glad when he had decided not to go into the military, but at the same time, the line that he seemed to have walked instead seemed scarcely better. 

Riza shook herself. She was one to talk; her own profession didn’t exactly bring her along the most morally upstanding path, and there was a good deal of espionage in what she did on a daily basis, although following cheating husbands and finding evidence seemed pretty tame compared to national intelligence work. Still, she was in no position to judge what Roy and her grandfather did. 

Roy… It must be nearly ten years since she had last seen him. It was his hands that she remembered above everything else. She had always tried to put that down to an upbringing steeped in alchemy; whilst some people noticed height or build or hair colour or eye colour, alchemists tended to look at hands as the first thing of note. Their hands were their craft, after all, be they gloved or tattooed or bare. Roy had typically worn spark gloves towards the end of his training. Her father, ever the traditionalist, had disapproved at first, but had eventually been talked around to the practicalities of not needing an ignition source on hand all the time - or rather, having an ignition source literally on hand all the time. 

At the beginning, though, when he had still been learning, his hands had been bare, his fingers long and tapered. They were always warm, his hands, and Riza had never known if that was from the flame alchemy or if he was just naturally like that. She remembered the touch of his fingertips on her back, and immediately felt her cheeks colour up. There had been nothing like that between them, but since Riza was the canvas for the full array and her father had destroyed the rest of his research for fear of it falling into the wrong hands, she had felt that Roy needed to see it. 

He was still the only person who’d ever seen her bare back, and she didn’t think she’d ever forget that little gasp that he gave when he saw it: admiring the beauty of the craftsmanship and shocked that it had been crafted on living skin - her living skin - at the same time. 

She’d been seventeen then, embarrassed at being half-naked in front of a boy, even if they’d been friends for over a year and he couldn’t see anything from the front. Even more embarrassing was how much she’d found that she really wouldn’t mind feeling those warm fingertips in other places. 

Riza groaned, crumpling Grumman’s letter up into a ball and knocking her forehead against her desk a few times. She hadn’t thought about Roy for years, and she had long since got over her silly teenage crush on him, figuring that of course she’d ended up feeling that way about him because he was the only member of the opposite sex other than her father and grandfather that she ever had any interaction with at the time. It was bound to happen from the sheer novelty value if nothing else. 

She really didn’t need to be reminded of it now. Not when she was about to get unwillingly dragged into the world of international espionage and investigate her grandfather’s murder. The last thing she needed to be thinking about was whether Roy’s hands were still as warm as they had always been before.

Riza sighed, pushed all thoughts of Roy Mustang very firmly out of her head, and straightened out Grumman’s letter again, tucking it into the chest pocket of her shirt. Every single spy novel she’d ever read (now her grandfather’s extensive collection made a certain ironic sense) was telling her that she ought to burn it, but she was not in the habit of memorising letters having only had them in her hands for a few minutes, so it would have to stay on her person for now. Besides, she might need to compare notes with Roy. Drat, now she was thinking about him again. 

If he was arriving into Eastern, where she was to go herself in just a few short hours, then Grumman had probably instructed him to go to the funeral, so at least Riza wouldn’t need to look for him since her grandfather had given no further hints as to where he might be found. Hopefully, Roy would have a few more clues as to what needed to be done. The rest of the letter had detailed several more people that Grumman wanted her to recruit, and she would likely need Roy’s connections to do so. This was not a simple investigation by any stretch of the imagination. 

Riza dragged herself away from her desk, Hayate padding along at her heels as she went to pack a bag for the trip to Eastern. Grumman’s funeral was the next morning. As much as she wished it was sooner so that she could get some answers, she also wanted to put it off as long as possible. 

What had he got her into?

X

The funeral was a fairly standard affair. Riza was Grumman’s closest family left, and even then, they had not been all that close in recent years. She didn’t recognise any of the other people gathered around the grave and making a polite show of mourning, but she assumed that they were people who had known her grandfather. She idly wondered how many of them were spies, or if they were all under the impression, like she had been, that he was a harmless old man sitting in a back office somewhere. 

As she’d suspected, Roy was there. He didn’t join the main group, hanging back in the shade of a tree and watching from afar. He hadn’t changed much. His face and shoulders had filled out from the slightly gawky nineteen year old he’d been when she’d last seen him, but he was still instantly recognisable as Roy. He wasn’t looking in her direction, more staring into the middle distance, and Riza wondered if he had noticed that she was there and recognised her. She didn’t think she’d changed all that much either. Her hair was longer now, but that was about it.

A small part of her, in the back of her mind, was annoyed that he’d turned up and was so obvious, because now she couldn’t stop glancing over at him every five seconds and she couldn’t concentrate on the service. Not that she’d really been concentrating on it before she’d noticed Roy. Something in the back of her mind kept telling her that whoever had killed her grandfather might have sent someone to his funeral to make sure that he was actually in his grave, and now she was looking around at all the unfamiliar faces and wondering which of them, if any, she should trust. 

At last it was over and people started moving away from the graveside. Riza hung back for what she hoped was a respectful amount of time, making small talk with the minister, and when she did finally walk away, she saw that Roy was waiting for her. She made her way over to him and they moved away from his tree. He smiled as she approached. She remembered that smile.

“Hello, Riza. It’s been a long time.”

“Hi. Thanks for coming. How’ve you been keeping all this time?”

“Oh, you know. Here and there, this and that.” If there was ever a more ‘if I told you I’d have to kill you’ answer, Riza had yet to hear it. “Keeping busy. What about you? Grumman told me you went into private investigations.”

“Yes. It’s interesting work. I’ve always been fascinated with solving puzzles. I suppose that’s why…” She tailed off, and there was a long pause. How did one go about starting a conversation about secret messages and secret agents with a secret agent? Thankfully, Roy saved her the trouble.

“I assume you received a letter.”

“Yes, I did.”

“What did you do with it?”

“It’s… on my person.” She didn’t tell him she’d stuffed it in her bra as the most secure place she could think of.

“Fair enough.”

Riza stopped suddenly, causing Roy to stop as well and turn back to her.

“Should we really be discussing all this out in the open like this?”

Roy nodded. “It’s the best place to discuss things. There’s a reason why all the important conversations in the novels take place on park benches or looking out over rivers on misty bridges. The misty bridges are a bit romantic, but it’s always better to talk outdoors. It’s easy to bug a room and listen in, but it’s much easier to see if you’re being watched or followed out here in a nice, quiet, open location.”

That made sense, and Riza fell into step beside Roy again as they continued to walk through the cemetery. There was no one else around.

“Have you got any idea what’s going on?” she asked. “I’ve got a list of people who can help, but it’s not going to be much good if I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be helping with.”

Roy shook his head. “No, you probably know more than me at this stage. My instructions were just to help you in any way I could. So, I guess my services are at your command.”

“Grumman mentioned you had a secret network.”

“Yes. I’ve already contacted them. They mostly work out of Central, as I believe you do too. We can meet them in a few days. I have a safe meeting place there.”

“Oh. Ok.” At least Roy seemed to have his side of the plan all figured out. Maybe once she met this mysterious network and worked out what skills she had at her disposal, she’d have a better plan for what to do next. 

They fell into silence for a long time again. Ordinarily Riza knew the basic etiquette for making small talk with someone you hadn’t seen for a decade. You asked about their family, you talked about the weather, you nodded politely in all the right places. But Roy was more than someone she hadn’t seen in a decade, and both their lives were so steeped in subterfuge and solitude that nothing seemed right as she thought it. That was probably what led to the next words out of her mouth.

“You know, I think that you’re actually the worst secret agent in the world.”

Roy laughed. “Oh really? And what makes you think that?”

“All the time you were standing under that tree, I couldn’t take my eyes off you, and I’m sure that there were a few other people who couldn’t either. You weren’t exactly inconspicuous. I thought spying was all about blending into the background.”

“It is, until it isn’t. Sometimes you need to be noticed and draw attention to yourself. Besides, there are two ways to follow someone. The first way, they never see you. The second way, they only see you.”

Riza felt her blood run cold, and she looked over her shoulder. There was still no one around besides her and Roy; everyone else had gone the more direct route out of the cemetery after the service was over. 

All the same, his words were not at all reassuring.

[vintage-royalty]

I haven’t said anything about Wallis in a long time because I was sick of the misconceptions and the drama and just everything, but I saw this article on a different site and it made me so frustrated I figured I’d come back and say my piece on it. Not really here to argue about how any of y’all feel about Wallis or Meghan but rather the inaccuracies and disingenuous comparisons made in this article. 

Part of the reason I even clicked the link is that I recently finished Anna Pasternak’s biography of Wallis. And I liked it. It was actually a very good, balanced, book. Not a particularly deep exploration of her life, but she debunked some of the false stories and it seemed pretty well researched and written and I probably agreed with 90% of her conclusions as someone who knows Wallis’s life backwards and forwards. It was also, as far as royal biographies go, a relatively feminist interpretation of Wallis’s life. 

So, I was expecting this article to be about the media’s sexist mistreatment of Meghan and that perhaps the headline was a bit clickbaity but the actual article would be good. Tragically, I was mistaken. 

“This sexist scapegoating is probably as unfair today as it was in 1936, as both Edward VIII and Prince Harry were ambivalent about their royal responsibilities before their marriages. But there are lessons in history.”

I agreed with this part: I had been hoping that perhaps she would articulate what I’ve felt but rarely seen spelled out in the media: that like the Abdication was unfairly blamed on Wallis even though she had nothing to do with it, that “Megxit” was clearly something Harry had wanted to do for some time and that it was more Harry’s decision than Meghan’s and it’s extremely sexist that everyone is baselessly assuming it was her idea. There also seems to naturally be a 100% overlap in the demographics of people who think Harry leaving is a horrible betrayal of his family and dereliction of duty and people who are inclined to be sexist and racist towards Meghan either way. 

“It became his life’s aim for the world to know and adore Wallis as much as he did. Alas, this festering emotional sore was not lanced during his lifetime. Will this become Harry’s angry preoccupation, too?

It’s agonising, as Edward Windsor discovered, when the world misguidedly mistrusts your wife. Yet the solution is not to fight back, but to retreat and enjoy the private tenderness you have, together.”

This is fake news. The Windsors did fight back against false media stories, starting in 1937 when they sued the publisher of Coronation Commentary by Geoffrey Dennis. They also did numerous interviews over the years, they each wrote a book, and wrote articles defending themselves. 

“Unlike Meghan, Wallis understood the royal creed. While it appears Meghan seeks to control her public narrative, allegedly encouraging friends to speak out and now trying to censor her press, Wallis resigned herself to the mute impossibility of her situation.After the abdication in 1936, she wrote plainly to Edward: “The world is against me and me alone. Not a paper has said a kind thing for me.” 

Admirably, instead of openly bleating about her situation, Wallis schooled herself to survive the shadow side of infamy. This she summed up as “to have one’s character day after day laid bare, dissected and flayed by mischievous and merciless hands”.Wallis contained her suffering with laudable resolve. Meghan would do well to learn from her predecessor, who triumphed with a “kind of private arrangement with oneself – an understanding of the heart and mind – that one’s life and purposes are essentially good, and that nothing from the outside must be allowed to impair that understanding”.”

These are all real quotes but none of them say what Pasternak is suggesting they do. Wallis didn’t just lay back and accept the fact that everyone hated her. She did push back on numerous occasions, though admittedly not as much at first. Meghan is also not trying to censor the press, she is just very smartly refusing to grant access to publications that have treated her unfairly. The Sussexes are not the first celebrities, or likely even the first royals, to make this decision, they are just choosing to be more transparent about it and making it clear that they will no longer dignify nonsense from racist tabloids with a response. In some ways, when you think about it, that’s doing exactly what Pasternak is saying Meghan should be doing. The Sussexes are choosing to not even comment on articles from tabloids that have a history of treating them unfairly. 

“If Meghan were more emotionally contained – which is not the same as having a stiff upper lip – might she earn our respect? There is great merit in stoic dignity, as the Duchesses of Windsor, Cambridge and Cornwall can attest.”

Wallis tried being emotionally contained and she also tried being more emotionally open. She got criticized intensely for both. And eighty years ago there was a lot more to be gained by “stoic dignity” as she calls it, that just doesn’t apply at all in today’s culture. She doesn’t mention Princess Diana, who was much more emotionally open, and significantly more popular than all the people she does mention. 

Then she goes on about how Wallis tried to repair David’s relationship with his family, with quotes to back up her claim, and contrasts it to Meghan, without anything at all to back up her claim Meghan is acting differently. We know basically nothing about what’s gone on behind closed doors between Meghan and the royal family. Anna Pasternak is making exactly the same kinds of baseless assumptions about Meghan that the media made about Wallis that, once we had more information, turned out to be completely wrong. David was the one who made demands, and behind the scenes Wallis generally tried to discourage him. The royal family blamed Wallis without knowing or caring who was really behind it. We have literally zero information about these dynamics regarding Harry and Meghan and the royal family. 

“Wallis did keep Edward happy – he adored her until the last – but nothing changed for her. Everything can still change for Meghan.”

So Pasternak’s advice for Meghan is that she should try doing things that didn’t work for Wallis because maybe they’ll work for her? She does not at any point make an argument as to how the media culture has changed that might make things work better for Meghan, which I suppose would be a legitimate argument she could make. No, her argument is basically: follow in the footsteps of a woman who everyone in Britain always hated and still hates or else you may be hated even more. Not to mention she is oversimplifying Wallis’s relationship with the press and her handling of the royal family to a ridiculous degree. 

“If she restrains her husband from ill-advised outbursts, if she accepts her own press and if her marriage is as long and devoted as the Windsors’ was, then she will prove, just like Wallis did, that the sacrifice was worth it. And we may come to love and admire her as Harry does.”

I’m mainly going to focus on the first part here because this is exactly the sort of sexist bullshit she specifically tried to debunk in her book on Wallis. Wallis couldn’t control her man, and he did and said much more damaging shit than Harry has done. It’s not the responsibility of a man’s wife to keep him from making bad choices, and Meghan, like Wallis, has already been baselessly attacked as a domineering control freak who has her husband pussywhipped. Read the comments on any article about the Sussexes: people blame Meghan for anything Harry does they don’t like and give her absolutely no credit when he does something they do like. I’m sure Meghan shares her opinions with Harry, and we don’t know if she agreed or disagreed with his recent comments, but he is a grown man who makes his own decisions. Furthermore, if Meghan wants to pick a fight with her husband and demand to look over his shoulder every time he talks to the press, she’s going to significantly reduce her chances of making their marriage work. Which, according to Pasternak, is also something she needs to devote her energy to.

This article not only feels extremely unfair towards Meghan, it’s not accurate about Wallis, and it’s entire thesis is based on assumptions about what Meghan is saying and doing behind closed doors. It’s also a missed opportunity: there’s a lot Meghan could learn from Wallis’s story, though unfortunately more of it is about what not to do than what she should be doing. 

[radrush]

give YOUR nge thoughts

this is gonna be super filled with spoilers in case any of my followers still haven’t seen this show for some reason

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite probably my favorite show ever

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing obviously it’s very intense and the lore is very confusing but it’s so worth what it demands | 5 star recommendation I've watched nge numerous times but it’s just one of those shows that’s filled with such detail and rich characterization that I seemingly find new things to consider every time I watch it

fav characters: Asuka is the neurotic queen and is probably the most entertaining character to witness on screen because of it but it also makes her the series’ most tragic character in my opinion. While she ultimately faces the same existential conundrums as Shinji (a sense of loneliness and isolation caused by lack of familial support, an anxiety created by a lack of assurance in one’s own purpose that contributes to low self-worth, and a fundamental difficulty with relating to others honestly because of these factors), unlike Shinji she has a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with these issues which give her the appearance of functionality but which are ultimately unsustainable and don’t allow her to be honest with herself about her real emotions, precisely because they work to repress the emotions that are too painful for her to feel fully. In an attempt to overcome feelings of worthlessness caused by her family’s rejection of her, she throws herself fully into the role of Eva pilot, turning her abilities as a pilot into a structural pillar of her self-worth which comes crashing down when Shinji proves himself to be as capable as pilot as her. She also acts rudely and boisterously in an attempt to avoid rejection, pushing people away from her before they have a chance to get close enough to understand who she really is and then reject her afterwards. This is also why Asuka is NOT a tsundere as so many people claim. Her coldness and “high and mighty” attitude are not borne out of an embarrassment with her “true feelings” of friendship or romance towards Shinji, but are rather a defense mechanism that she uses to protect herself from the pain of intimacy. Her open displays of disgust towards him are not an act which she uses to hide a secretly harbored positive view of him, she actually just hates his guts. She’s all tsun and no dere.

Shinji is a character whose experiences highly resonated with me when I first watched the series as a teenager but I feel like even if i didn’t heavily relate to his emotional struggles I would still end up talking about him here because ultimately the series is focused on his struggle to define himself on his own terms and through his relationships with others. Because Shinji lacks the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that Asuka has come to adopt, and instead has a tendency to turn inward and engage in torturous processes of reflective self-deprecation when he feels emotionally challenged it makes sense that he would be the focus of the show’s thesis on relational psychology. As a sensitive boy with a great deal of familial trauma, Shinji is intimately familiar with the emotional havoc that humans can wreak on each other in their relationships. Not wanting to have to deal with the burden of this pain any longer, he is constantly running away from his commitments because he views his relationships with others not as potential sites for growth and self-fulfillment but as avenues which only lead towards greater feelings of pain and misery. You can hardly blame him for feeling this way because of what he experiences before and during the series, but ultimately he must learn as a part of his growth process that while his relationships with others contain the possibility of greater pain, to live a fulfilling life it is imperative to look past the possibility for pain in order to find the hope for meaning and love that makes life worth living. Shinji’s story teaches us that as long as we remain true to ourselves and are cognizant of our own emotional needs in our relationships, there is no need to live in fear of the pain that others might deliver upon us out of their own wounding.

In many ways Misato behaves like a grown-up, more apparently functional version of Shinji. While she is more readily able to form emotional bonds with others, these bonds are often entirely surface-level, as evidenced by her preoccupation with appearances (wearing flashy clothes, driving an expensive sports car, introducing herself to Shinji in the way she does). The dichotomy between her clean, confident exterior persona and the slobbish, lazy way she lives when removed from the gaze of others reinforces the idea that while she behaves a certain way in order to be comfortable in social situations, she is inwardly insecure and deeply troubled by how her attempts at meaningful relationships have turned out, having never been able to reconcile her relationship with her father before his death and having run away from her relationship with Kaji when his presence caused those unreconciled emotions to rise to the forefront of her psyche. I also love how the Jet Alone episode frames her lifestyle in two drastically different ways. At the beginning of the episode we see her guzzling beer and eating instant ramen for breakfast in her gross apartment and react to those behaviors according to the humorous and quirky surface-level reading of them that the show gives us, but during the episode itself we see her forced to deal with the stupidity and recklessness of others in her profession as well as the unique challenges she faces in those situations because of her femininity, on top of seeing her take responsibility during a life-threatening situation when no one else will, causing her to undergo a near-death experience. After all of this, the narrative comes full circle and we see her again the next morning in her gross apartment, chugging an entire can of Yebisu and realize how much her lax lifestyle choices are really shaped by the kind of emotional stress she is forced to deal with on a daily basis and a need to have a space where she can be unconcerned with those stresses.            

I like how although Ritsuko treats Misato as her equal in their personal relationship and they’re both at the same professional level, being heads of their respective branches of NERV, from the very first episode it’s clear that Ritsuko’s knowledge of the Evas and and the true purposes of NERV far surpasses Misato’s. As Misato begins to understand the amount of classified information that Ritsuko has access to and refuses to share with her their relationship effectively deteriorates until Ristuko can no longer shoulder the burden of her knowledge on top of her increasingly strained relationships with both Misato and Gendo and she essentially self-destructs.

Kaji is kind of a sexist jerk but he’s also the only character in the text who can operate as a positive male role model for Shinji because of how selfish Gendo is and it’s ultimately his advice to Shinji throughout the series but especially in episode 19 and the run up to it that spurs Shinji to take action instead of continuing to be a bystander while Rei and Asuka fight for their lives. I also like him because he’s a truth seeker. He does the bidding of Selee and Gendo because doing so allows him to get closer to the truth behind Selee, NERV, the Evas, the angels, and human instrumentality, and he eventually pays the ultimate price for his pursuit of knowledge.

least fav characters: I guess I'm supposed to say Gendo because he’s such a dick but even if he’s a shitelord he’s still a well developed character–consistently narcissistic and self-serving, only treating others as means to ends, not at all capable of the emotional vulnerability required to actually really love, although maybe he possessed it at one point in the past. He’s evil as fuck but ultimately a good character. I love how the first time we see him smile is when he gives the order to launch unit-01 it’s so good and makes me hate him so much.

Ritusko’s mom, Naoko, is like probably the only character in the show that i think is written poorly like it’s honestly just stupid to me that she would be so in love with Gendo and so heartbroken over him that she would literally kill Rei I and then herself over being taunted about the fact that Gendo didn’t really love her and was just using her but i guess bitches just be crazy amirite fellow redditors. Literally what is so great about Gendo that all these women keep getting involved with him?? Like for the credit you can give Anno for writing really interesting women in this series, he still is a bit of a sexist and it’s not just with Naoko.

fav relationship: Asuka and Shinji obviously have one of the most interesting dynamics in the show from the first time they meet. We know they’re not bound to get along well since Shinji is pretty reserved and not very confident and Asuka is incredibly boisterous and all too full of herself and in fact resents Shinji for his lack of self-worth and motivation. All of this is compounded by the fact that the source of Asuka’s massive self-esteem is her ability to pilot the Eva, a task at which she continually finds herself upstaged by Shinji, who at the same time can’t seem to decide whether piloting the Eva is something he even wants to continue doing. In episode eight she’s amazed when Kaji tells her that Shinji was able to sync with Unit-01 without ever having been inside it before but when Kaji brings it up again when all of them are together and openly praises Shinji’s “natural” capabilities as a pilot, Asuka is embarrassed and takes his praise of Shinji as an injury to her self esteem because being the greatest Eva pilot is so central to her self-identity. She vents this embarrassment by taking it out on Shinji, who meanwhile can’t help the fact that he has a natural ability to do this scary and dangerous thing he’s barely done before and doesn’t at all know what to do with Asuka’s frustration towards him. Rei operates as a kind of foil to this dynamic (is it still a foil if its three ways instead of two?) because she possesses very little of her own will in the early part of the series and merely pilots the Eva because it’s her designated purpose in life, what she was literally born to do. As all three of them grow through the relationships that they navigate with each other and the adults in their lives, these motivations, self-definitions, and reasons for being shift and evolve, are built up and broken down, and ultimately remain in flux because that’s just how that shit is

Shinji and Kaworu I obviously hold very close to my big gay heart because of how touching it is to see Shinji love and be loved by another boy but that being said their relationship is very intentionally one-dimensional because of the fact that Kaworu is less of a human character and more of a character representation of the abstract concepts of hope and love themselves. From Kaworu’s perspective too, his relationship with Shinji is just as much about knowing and loving Shinji as it is about knowing and loving humanity as a whole. Because Kaworu isn’t human, he doesn’t have any emotional needs or trauma which might preclude him from loving Shinji or make it difficult for Shinji to love him, which is why he appears to Shinji when he does: when Shinji feels most abandoned by those he feels he has tried and failed to form emotional bonds with and is in most dire need of someone who will attempt to understand him as he is trying to understand himself. In loving Shinji in the selfless, needless, and unconditional way he does, he gives Shinji hope that real love and real human connection are things that exist out there in the world for him to experience, even if his relationship with Shinji is only an idealized version of that. When Shinji is forced to kill Kaworu in order to save himself and humanity, this hope is momentarily shattered and by the next episode we realize that this has caused Shinji to lose his will to live, although ultimately Kaworu’s death is necessary not just for plot reasons but also because Shinji must eventually come to realize that while he can be in love and find meaning in his relationships with others, he can’t expect any other person to love him so selflessly the way Kaworu did because that’s simply not a reasonable thing to ask of another human being with their own emotional needs and trauma and baggage. In addition to his qualities of magnanimous selflessness, as a divine being in a mortal vessel who ultimately chooses to sacrifice himself to ensure the fate of humanity, Kaworu also operates as a sort of messiah figure within the narrative of the series. The fact that his love for Shinji is representative of his love for all humankind and that Shinji’s love for him is a reflection of the timeless and ephemeral concept of love itself, and the fact that Shinji must also bear the guilt of killing one he loved for the greater good of saving the souls of humanity also puts them squarely in the midst of a Judas/Jesus dichotomy.      

fav moment: the direction in this show continues to amaze me and  just the choices in the first two episodes alone are so fuckin awesome like I love how episode one ends on a cliffhanger and episode two begins with shinji recovering from the battle, completely skipping over the action and having us only deal with its fallout before finally getting to see how it unfolded when shinji is alone at night and has a moment to reflect on what he witnessed. also the shot during the battle flashback when the armor falls off of unit-01′s face and shinji looks out from the entry plug and sees the true reflection of the eva in the building next to him knocks me on my ass every single time.

in episode one when shinji gives misato the letter that his father sent him and its creased as shit and the whole thing is redacted aside from the words “shinji, come”

whenever gendo’s glasses reflect the massive screens in the command center

rei smiling after she and shinji defeat ramiel and he opens the entry plug hatch

“You’re just as much a kid as I am”

When Ritusko hacks into a human brain and honestly just the whole Magi design has such a killer aesthetic i don’t even know what to call it its like cyberbiomechanicalpunk but the cyber tech isn’t futuristic it’s like 1995 technology complete with ribbon cables on the keyboards

“You apologize to people as a reflex, so that you won’t have to confront them” “I’m sorry”

Literally everything about episodes 19-24

THE ELEVATOR SCENE

“I loved him too”

When Asuka synchronizes with unit-02 at the bottom of the lake in EoE and the whole fight with the eva series

Why not just say all of EoE cause holy shit

headcanons/theories: As far as the lore itself is concerned, it feels like there aren’t that many mysteries that haven’t been explained either through actual dialog in the show or peeks into what was left on the cutting room floor, it can just be hard for first time viewers to wrap their heads around it all because of the convoluted way it's presented in the show and how everything has dramatic biblical names (which do have meaning for the record, anyone who says all the religious symbolism in eva is fake deep is not paying close enough attention. the constant use of the latin and greek crosses in explosions and in various design elements like lilith’s crucifix are obviously not always rife with distinctly religious meaning but I already talked about how Kaworu is literally a messiah figure so give me some credit here). When I do see shit on youtube like “the 26 timelines of evangelion explained” though it just makes me roll my eyes. Also I think that the lore is really cool and well developed in general but a lot of it is somewhat tangential to the real dramatic meat of the series which consists of the development of the characters and their relations to one another so it is kinda lame to me that the popular view of the series for so long was focused more on the mysteries of the super weird convoluted world building than on the exploration of humanity that makes the show what it is although that might have changed now that more people have dipped their toes in the series with the netflix localization

one thing I’ve been thinking about recently is rei’s ghostly appearance to shinji at the beginning of episode one which I believe to be connected to the ghostly appearances she makes in EoE to the dead and soon-to-be sublimated (or i guess more accurately, liquified) NERV staff after she merges with lilith and ultimately to her final appearance to shinji floating above the lcl sea at the end of the film. All of these appearances are made by the rei that merged with lilith during EoE, even the one in episode one. This is possible because after merging with lilith, rei becomes a being with quantum characteristics, able to exist everywhere on earth at once to collect the souls of all humanity and gather them together. Since it’s also heavily implied that rei is a vessel for the soul of lilith in the same way that kaworu is a vessel for the soul of adam, this is likely lilith’s “true form,” having finally reunited her body with her soul. To those still alive for this process, she appears to them as a manifestation of their heart’s desire, bestowing upon each soul a momentary embrace of hope that will last a lifetime. This is what Gendo understood about instrumentality from the beginning and was always his plan to be able to see Yui again. I think rei’s final gift is also sort of a riff on modern scientific explanations for the experience of heaven, how we now understand that the chemicals that are released in your brain when you die can give you a euphoric experience that some might be inclined to interpret as heaven-like. But anyway, since rei no longer has to obey the laws of time and space, and she makes it a point to make a final appearance to shinji in her quantum form at the end of the film it feels right that she should choose to go back and make a first appearance to shinji to signify the beginning of the end as it were. After all, “the beginning and the end are found in the same place.” Anno himself has told us that “eva is a story that repeats” with reference to the pervasive visual and verbal self-references that are prevalent throughout the series and I think this is perhaps one of the most shining examples of that repetition.

Related: Also a fan of the theory that Gendo’s last words to Ritsuko were “I need you.”

unpopular opinion: Episodes 25 and 26 provide the necessary(?) conclusion to the show’s thesis on human relationships which make them more or less key to understanding how those ideas are present in the work as a whole but the last time I re-watched the series I skipped them and went right to EoE because that’s the better dramatic experience and also I think EoE works to wrap up the ideas from the show, albeit not as cleanly and moralistically.

this is also probably a popular opinion but the rebuild movies fucking suck. they completely gut like half the thematic content from the original series and they even feel bland visually at times like everything is so glossy and shiny i like the saturation, contrast, and thicker line art of the original series way more. literally there’s only one good part per movie in the first one it’s ramiel in the second one its the aquarium scene in the third one its piano kaworu and that’s it. I can hope the fourth movie isn’t completely gutless but i can also set myself up for disappointment but if evangelion teaches anything it’s that we can’t let the fear of disappointment or sadness bar us from seeking the joys and loves that life has to offer us so i’ll see y’all again in 2020 i guess

random thoughts:

[flightfoot]

An explanation of my stance on Adrien

Really looking over what I think of Adrien as a character, how he’s portrayed in the story, and the writing of conflicts and characters surrounding him, I think I approach the whole subject differently than most other people in the fandom do. 

For one thing, I tend to draw the line between “writing that makes me dislike a character” and “how that character is portrayed in the narrative” differently. A lot of times, if a character you like does something you don’t agree with, it’s blamed on bad writing. While if a character you aren’t particularly fond of does something you don’t like, it’s blamed on them as a character.

Problem is there isn’t really a clear line of demarcation between things that you blame on the character and things that you blame on the writing, since technically anything a character does or doesn’t do is because they were written that way, and anything that occurs in the narrative that’s related to a character may be at least partly attributable to them.

So for me personally, I tend to consider “how the narrative treats the character” to be more of an example of the writing of the show, so if I don’t think the narrative is treating the character the way I believe they should be treated, I tend to consider that a case of bad writing, rather than something that’s attached to the character themselves. Meanwhile I tend to view the characters actual actions and inaction as being something that’s more attached to the character themselves, and so colors my perception of them more.

For instance, there’s the whole conflict over Adrien with several girls chasing after him, either because they genuinely like him or because he’d be a good trophy and give a boost to their social status. Most fans view this conflict with distaste. I do as well. But instead of attaching my distaste for this conflict to Adrien himself, I tend to chalk it up more to bad writing, and somewhat to the characters involved in the chasing. As has been pointed out before, Adrien could be replaced with an inanimate object for this conflict and it would pretty much turn out the same way, because while the conflict is ABOUT him, he himself has pretty much nothing to do with it and is only vaguely aware that it exists. Since he as a character has pretty much nothing to do with it, I don’t really consider it to be attached to him, and my dislike for the conflict has little impact on my feelings regarding Adrien.

It’s kind of similar to Ginny’s situation regarding her feelings for Harry in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Ginny develops a debilitating crush on Harry, to the point that she turns red and clumsy whenever he’s around and has trouble getting her words out straight. She’s apparently very preoccupied with her crush on Harry and what he might think of her, but her attempts to do anything romantic regarding him don’t go well. She sends him a singing valentine which he finds thoroughly embarrassing, but he doesn’t actually do anything about it or anything about Ginny’s feelings for him. Ginny’s whole preoccupation with him is thoroughly in the background of the book, since her whole romantic conflict has nothing to do with him personally. It’s just something happening on Ginny’s end. It has little to do with Harry himself

Also, sometimes the direction the narrative points and the direction that the character’s actions points conflict. For instance, it’s been pointed out that when Marinette steps out of line, she tends to be called out - often by Tikki. On the one hand, her being called out and being held at least sort of accountable makes her more likable from an outside view, since she isn’t a karma houdini. On the other hand, when Tikki acts as a voice of reason and Marinette deliberately ignores her - at least at first - such as in Animaestro and Ikari Gozen, it makes her less likable because she HAD someone telling her what she was doing was a bad idea, had a moment to step back and realize it was a bad idea... and didn’t. Not until later.

(I do realize that the writers may not have intended to have Tikki call Marinette out partially for the purpose of removing some of the sting from her negative actions in those cases, but that does seem to be the general effect it’s had on the fandom.)

So like when Adrien’s treated differently by the narrative than other characters, I don’t really hold that against him as a character, since I don’t consider him at fault for it. I understand the stance of the people who do, I just don’t agree with them. My opinion on a character tends to be more independent of how the narrative portrays them (not completely independent, that would be both impossible and unreasonable and I will not claim that) than I’ve seen most other people’s opinions be.

It’s partially because of this difference in philosophy that my whole thinking about Adrien, as well as the other characters in the show (especially Marinette since she’s the main character, but my difference in opinion is most noticeable when it comes to Adrien).

But I have other reasons that I tend to defend Adrien a lot. A lot of the things that I see him lambasted for, I generally don’t consider as bad as portrayed, not in the context of the show.

I will say that I’ve been uncomfortable with the times when Chat’s made advances towards Ladybug that she wasn’t into, like some of the cases in seasons 1 and 2 when he leaned in for a kiss when she wasn’t interested,or when he’s acted like they’re a couple or are definitely going to BECOME a couple. That being said, she appeared more vaguely annoyed in most of those examples than uncomfortable, and usually set him straight pretty quickly. I think there’s also some exaggeration for comedic effect thrown in there, but with this show, it can be kinda hard to tell when and how much to account for that. He does seem to have learned and to have toned it down a lot by season 3 at least.

 The biggest example of that this season was in Oblivio when he... lounged around during the original fight I guess? I’m not entirely sure WHAT he was doing in that footage honestly, Ladybug talked about him pulling a “charming kitty act” but I don’t really know what all that entailed. We just see one short segment where Chat is hiding behind Ladybug sitting down while she shields him with from Oblivio’s shots with her yo-yo since she’s the only bit of cover in the area, then it cuts to him jumping around Oblivio and getting hit. I’m not entirely sure how whatever he did interfered with the akuma fight. Ladybug indicated that it did, but I’d like to know details before holding that against him too much. Character interpretations aren’t completely reliable. Plus whenever he HAS let his personal feelings interfere during akuma attacks, like during Glaciator, Syren, and Frozer, it’s only lasted about a minute and when they weren’t in immediate danger. Once one of them was in danger, like in Frozer when Frozer targeted Ladybug, he got over it and went back to doing his job as normal. So I have my doubts as to how much his apparently messing around was actually responsible for the difficulties they faced in the Oblivio fight.

Oh, and later in Oblivio, of course. He was kinda smarmy about the kiss, but that was it. He teased her a bit about it which annoyed her, but that was about it, and it hasn’t been brought up again, at least as of yet. Irritating, but not exactly a major sin.

And as for all the accusations of Adrien being passive... well, he IS passive for the most part. I do think people over-exaggerate it at times though. Like during Chameleon. Except for his terrible advice at the end (though I do see where he’s coming from in that advice, considering his own personal experiences with his father and fans, as well as his belief that Lila is only lying because she’s lonely), I actually thought his actions were pretty good. He didn’t interfere in the initial rearrangement of the seats before Marinette stepped in, but we don’t really know how exactly that happened. Lila was apparently responsible for it, but it also seemed like she was entering the classroom for the first time when we saw her walk in, so that was kinda weird. My best guess? Alya probably has Lila’s number from the first time she was in school, she texted with Lila, and Lila suggested the seat rearrangements. Adrien walks in during the seat rearrangement and Alya informs him of why it’s happening, and he naturally assumes that since Alya is Marinette’s best friend that she got Marinette’s approval before changing her seat. 

When Marinette DID walk in and it was evident that that she HADN’T agreed to it and was unhappy with the situation, he offered to move to the back in her stead. He wasn’t there for the lunchroom scene or for Lila threatening Marinette. He still tried to deal with Lila’s lies, but by asking her to stop and attempting to remove what he believed was the reason for her lies (loneliness, a belief that people wouldn’t like her unless she propped herself up) and asking her to stop. It’s not like the aggressive approach had worked, so maybe a gentler, less aggressive approach would. but he didn’t have all the facts about Lila’s actions and motives and so misread her, so it didn’t work. But he did try. His advice to Marinette about leaving Lila be wasn’t very good, but it fit with his life experience of “you make a fuss and nothing will improve for you and you and maybe your friends will be punished worse”. Plus the lies she told and their effects that he knew of weren’t that bad. It was mostly just propping herself up. And... well I’ll agree that he just generally hadn’t thought about the potential far-reaching consequences of letting her lies go. I don’t think it occurred to him.

I’m not sure I’d say that Adrien was portrayed as being in the RIGHT for the advice he gave exactly, though. It’s true that he seemed to have the last word on it in Chameleon, but I think Oni-chan gave him an indictment of that policy, with his witnessing how her lies harmed people and how terrible of a person Lila really is, culminating in his saying that she can count on him, but not when she’s hurting the people he cares about. He wasn’t able to rip into her for what she did to Ladybug because that wasn’t public knowledge, but he still held her accountable for her actions towards other people surrounding him earlier. He didn’t immediately go on the offensive like Marinette was doing, attempting to expose her lies, but he did try to cut her out of his own circle, and did subtly warn her that if her lies proved harmful to the people he cares about (which in this case I’m pretty sure includes most everyone in class) that she’d lose him as an ally, and I think hinted that she might make an enemy of him, though I’ll admit I might be reading that part in a bit. In any case, he no longer seems to believe her lies are harmless. He doesn’t seem to be actively debunking them, but it’s not like that worked before anyway.

This by no means covers my full opinion on Adrien, his actions, and everything around him, but this is quite long enough already. I hope it gives some clarification as to why I have the opinions that I do about both Adrien and Miraculous Ladybug as a whole.

[16ruedelaverrerie]

Sending love and support in this trying time. [This ask is GoT related but contains no spoilers.] If you've seen the newest GoT, how do you feel about D&D's decision to make an unexpected character accomplish the main task? At this point I'm just hoping that, when I die, GRRM will be waiting in the afterlife to tell me how the books end. .___.

What I truly love about this, anon, is that your vision for the future UNQUESTIONABLY INVOLVES GRRM DYING BEFORE HE FINISHES THE BOOKS and then you just living out your lifespan burdened with narrative blue balls until you can finally shake him by the collar and demand your answers to his face. It’s not an unlikely way for things to go! Rest of the answer after the cut, since I STILL DON’T BELIEVE THAT SPOILERS ARE A THING BUT I SUPPOSE I MUST RESPECT THE CULTURAL OBSESSION WITH THEM

As usual, I am answering this ask very late and I am sorry! But you sent this in after 5x03, in reference to Arya killing the Night King. Truth be told, in the moment when I first watched that happen, I was too busy seething over Theon’s death to really have any coherent opinions about what Arya was doing. I MEAN! I KNOW I SAID I WOULD BE PRETTY OKAY WITH THEON DYING, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE D&D MADE THEON’S DEATH ALL ABOUT REDEMPTION and by god the rhetoric of redemption is such a wrongheaded way to think about Theon’s character that every measured talk I gave myself about not being upset at Theon’s inevitable death... all flew out of the window in a maelstrom of indignation. What was I even expecting, they always thought Theon’s ~arc~ was about redemption! (And why does every character need to have an “arc,” anyway! That’s a qualitative statement on what someone thinks character should be, not something that’s inherent to character as a building block of the text!!!)

ANYWAY... YOUR ASK WAS NOT ABOUT THEON, SORRY ANON. I’m honestly of a lot of different minds about Arya being the one to kill the Night King. Here are some of my self-contradictory reactions, in no particular order:

1. I have no reason to dislike this, and I am okay with it. Arya seems perfectly capable of having done this thing.

2. D&D feel that it is their responsibility to overturn narrative tropes, which is why they decided not to have Jon kill the Night King; but D&D also have never given any deeper thought as to why certain narrative tropes should be overturned, or what exactly they are saying with the ways they overturn them. D&D have considered audience shock to be an end in and of itself, and their storytelling decisions are made in bad faith. If Arya kills the Night King just so that the audience is surprised that it’s her, is that a meaningful decision?

3. THEON NEVER NEEDED YOUR REDEMPTION!!!!!

4. What is Arya, to me? I see her as primarily concerned with the southern plot of vengeance, political machinations, and human actors. Sure, she can absolutely also be a character who is entwined with the northern plot of winter, cataclysm, and supernatural actors. She isn’t confined to one set of preoccupations. But did we see her make that move within the show? Wouldn’t I have enjoyed this moment more if I knew more about Arya’s own stance towards everything that’s going on in the northern plot?

5. Would I have found it boring if Jon had been the one? Maybe. What wouldn’t have I found boring? Can there be a satisfactory conclusion to this confrontation? Is it that there can’t be one, or that this medium is not equipped to provide us with one, or that D&D are using this medium poorly?

6. The Witch-king of Angmar cannot be killed by a man because of the race- and gender-inflected way that we are socialized to think of linguistic categories; it’s precisely because everyone is grouped under “man” that it’s a delightful surprise to remember that women and hobbits exist as autonomous categories. So I guess that makes me ask myself, is Arya Stark a member of the subaltern? Does her killing the Night King subvert tropes, or is she so physically capable, so unencumbered by social expectations, so respected as a combat participant that she is no less expected a killer of the Night King than Jon?

7. Well, of course she still has to put up with social expectations! Gendry wanted to make her a lady! But that’s what was so bewildering to me about that scene-- that it would even be possible to look a woman in the eye who just STABBED THE NIGHT KING TO DEATH and ask her if she wants to stay at home. Well, of course it’s bewildering! Ideology has a bewilderingly capacious reach!

8. On the other hand, Arya can say no, and does. What is Arya, to me? Is it that she is an unexpected choice to kill the Night King because she is a woman? In what other ways are her experiences circumscribed by her womanhood? That’s the point, you might say, she has never let womanhood circumscribe her experiences. But then why would her womanhood ever make her any less likely as the killer of the Night King?

9. Is it that she’s a woman? Is that what this is about? What, exactly, makes Arya the unexpected choice? Is it just that she isn’t Jon? Is it that she’s a slightly less major character than he is? On the tier list of people ranked by how likely they are to be the killer of the Night King, where does Arya fall? I don’t know. Who did I think was going to do it? I don’t know.

10. I do know that the showrunners have long been fascinated by Arya, and that hers is a particular kind of reaction to womanhood that these men respect because they think they understand it. Is that harsh? I think these men love that she’s renounced gender. No, wait, I think they love that they’ve written her as having renounced gender. I think what they enjoy is not that Arya has exposed gender as a performative construct, but that Arya is a woman who doesn’t make a big deal out of being a woman, and thus provides a little respite from having to think about gender.

11. Is that harsh? Probably! But D&D have been harsh in the telling of this story, so I think me complaining a little to myself behind a jump cut on my own meandering blog is not likely to upset that balance in the grand scheme of things. Ultimately I’m much less irritated by Arya killing the Night King than at some of the possible reasons I surmise they chose her to kill the Night King.

12. But you know, though, Theon never needed anyone’s redemption. I just want to reiterate that.

[drugstoreglitter]

💔 💔 💔

TONI AND BILLY -- 16. a kiss to gain control.

Two eyes, a mouth and a heartbeat. Those were the symptoms she became, standing across from him, always that tone of annoyance in her words when it came to Billy Gallagher. Her body attempts to square up, but he knows her ins and outs, knows the scars that mark the palms of her hands and the way she could crumble completely under the right amount of pressure – a measured voice and iron grasp would do little to beat that knowledge out of him. She asks him why he’s back, but isn’t it clear in the way he holds himself? In his poise, that insatiable appetite for chaos, the way his eyes flare whenever she tells him how different it could have been if he stayed. 

If he meant to unsettle her, to knock her from her routine, he’s succeeded, and now her eyes are like those of a ghost as she watches him pace her empire, soaking up the heat in her bones, the silenced part of her that imagines him taking it all. Her confounded obsession in his return and what it means is surely rooted in a preoccupation with his leaving ; the only thing that blocked her path toward leadership dropping off the map to pass her the torch. This confrontation isn’t with Billy, it’s with herself – and he’s realised it before she has, always three steps ahead, his smile like the spark of a lighter on a kerosene fire before his hands are finding her neck, tangling in her hair, gazes locked and chests breathless in the few seconds before his lips meet hers. 

There’s a hitch in his chest when his mouth is on hers, feral, ecstatic, the thrill of a wild boy present even in the way he draws open their mouths to taste the heat of her breath, hands that had anchored themselves in her hair slipping to encase her back. He riles her. It’s clear in her posture, in her refusal to be within a foot of him lest she lose herself – or at least that’s what Billy thinks – and the fact that she’s returning the kiss seems to prove his point entirely, but it’s Billy in control of this situation, and perhaps even Toni herself, when his hands hook under her knees to tangle her around his waist, her back to the warehouse wall, the shudder of a moan as he tilts his hips, teeth biting at her lip. 

In the space of a few seconds the boundaries she’s spent so long constructing are dissipating, for he’s got her right where he wants her, between denial and proof, and is almost forcing the point with the way his tongue flicks at her own, feeling the shake of her ribs against his. When he draws away, breathless, it isn’t shock or guilt or even embarrassment that paints his features – for it isn’t Billy who’s lost the fight – it’s the smug grin of a lad who’s only brimming response is a muttered ‘gotcha’.

[appxssionato]

Bloody Shadows - A more detailed verse info.

name: warren obuolys age: 200+ birthplace: russia homeplace: romania occupation: wanderer species: turned vampire

warren is a vampire that despite all of his suffering he keeps being friendly and charming, believing that the change starts from himself. even though, he dislike the idea of living an eternity, reason why he desires to be human again.

born as a human, warren lived with his mother in russia. he grew up like a normal kid, and the day he finally started his own life happened. in his twenties, warren became an aristocrat, becoming the imperial court’s jester because of his talent with love stories, music, tricks and gimmicks. a troupe from romania came to the imperial court, being ailess cardia’s troupe from his own theater. that was when warren and ailess met for the first time and started spending tme together. sharing a strong bond, warren kept going to romania, visiting ailess, being a dear friend. one day, after returning to russian and visiting his mother, he found out a group of creatures torturing her mother, sucking the blood out of her and being killed right in front of his eyes. in the attempt to save her, he was attacked too, but instead of the creatures taking his entire blood, he became one of them, being kidnapped and taken to romania to be their prisioner. 

it was the start of a lifetime of physical and sexual abuse, becoming more heartless as the time passed, forgetting about his own humanity and just going along with it until one day he finally was able to break free and kill those that hurt him. warren escapes, and finds a forest in which he sees another vampire, realizing that it was ailess cardia. ailess congratulates him for escaping and asking him to join him. by knowing that he had nobody, he decided to keep ailess on his side, not to mention that they did share a bond in the past. little by little ailess taught him things about vampires, and at first it was hard to adapt. warren mostly fed up out of animals but it was ailess the one that made him taste his first human, reason why he finally let out that cruelty that was actually in his nature.

warren started going to the village, learning about the situation that there was a sacrifice every full red moon. he didn’t care, after all it was food for them. warren was charming, very popular among the villagers though they didn’t know he was a vampire. entertaining woman and engaging sexually with them, they were often his prey, not caring about feelings or emotions. it was until one day, one of the woman tried to escape, she injured him and he finally killed her, but the injury was too deep that it took him long to heal. a young girl found him hurt, and she came for his rescue, healing him. this made warren to develop a strong bond with her, falling immediately in love due the warmth of her heart, he claimed that she was an angel.

warren kept with his routine, but nobody seemed to find out about his real nature. he started talking to the head’s village’s son, masaferry albastri, who was a timid and lonely boy that often came asking for advices. warren helped him with everything, giving him advices and claiming that he had a lot of knowledge, reason why masaferry considered warren his best friend, often saying good things about him and warren asking him to stop because he made him look like a good person, when he actually wasn’t but warren didn’t let him know that he was a vampire. 

one day he visits masaferry on the day of his wedding. masaferry had a crush on a certain girl for so long and she became his fiance due an arranged marriage between both families. masaferry looks sad, explaining that she didn’t have a choice, so warren tries to cheer him up telling him that at least he can be with someone he loves, unlike him. masaferry’s fiance happens to be the same girl that healed warren once, but he keep it as a secret. masaferry thanks him and tell the girl how much he loves her, but at night he realized that she is the one chosen for the sacrifice, that happens to be the same night as his wedding.

 warren finds out, and tries to calm masaferry down but the preoccupation shows in himself as well, telling masaferry to run away with her so they both can be saved. masaferry explains that he did so, but that the girl refused. warren tries to convince him to save her even if it’s by force, but masaferry breakds down saying that it’s his duty to protect the village and that there’s no another way. warren says that he will make sure she is safe because an angel like her can’t be killed in that way and that he wants her to be happy, letting masaferry realize that she was the woman warren was talking about before.

warren becomes aggressive, grabbing masaferry while he tells him that he can’t let her die. masaferry asks him to calm down, telling him it hurts in which warrens responds that he can’t be calm when he believed him that he was going to make her happy, yelling that he won’t let ailess to kill her. masaferry asks who is ailess, asking if it’s the vampire and questioning warren about knowing his name. warren tells him is nothing of his business, disappearing into the darkness. warren goes to see ailess, telling him that he wants to talk, and asking to change the sacrifice getting a negative response because is the moon the one that chooses, not him, explaining that the moon chooses the girl filled with the most light, so they can gain more magic that way. warren says it’s cruel because she is getting married, causing ailess to mock him. ailess keeps questioning warren, realizing that he was in love with that human and telling him it’s just an illusion.

ailess then makes warren to remember after he first came to the forest, when he served many women in the town, refreshing his memory and thoughts about love being an illusion. warren said it was different before he met her, and that she made him change his mind. ailess tells him that the other option is turning her into one of them, and warren refuses as he explains she makes him remember the humanity he has lost. ailess tries to knock some sense on warren, even though he comes off as cold, telling him that they don’t have the right to exist in this world and that they only have each other. warren finally agrees with ailess, telling him that indeed they are together forever, and he decides not to fight anymore and letting the girl to be killed.

the moment of the sacrifices finally comes, and the girl approaches him as ailess greets her. ailess starts to intimidate her, reason why she tries to go against him making ailess to tell her that it’s time to finish with this. at this moment, masaferry stands up, telling him to let her go. ailess can’t believe that the chief’ss son broke the rules and the girls tells him to leave, but masaferry is willing to fight and points ailess with a gun filled with silver bullets that could kill a vampire. the girl keeps refusing and ailess points out at that, masaferry tells her that she can hate him but he wants her to live. at that moment, ailess calls warren, telling him is his chance to save the girl. masaferry looks confused but he finally sees warren coming out of the shadows, he asks what’s going on, which warren replies that it’s obvious that he is a vampire. 

masaferry refuses to believe it, saying that warren is his best friend, warren makes fun of him because of that declaring that he didn’t mean to deceive him but he was trusting him, claiming that human are foolish species. warren walks towards the girl, telling her that she was foolish too because her kindness didn’t mean anything to him, masaferry is confused again and he isn’t able to move his body, warren laughs at him and asks him if his father didn’t teach him not to look into a vampire’s eyes. ailess explains that they don’t hate humans but it’s a way to survive, he explains that he has been taking care of the villge and that this is a good exchange, but masaferry refuses saying that it can’t be someone he loves. ailess seems tired, and asks the girl if her life is more important than the village, she replies it’s the village so ailess claims this is gonna be fast.

masaferry struggles, warren warns him that he is going to break his own body. masaferry tells him that it’s impossible for warren to kill someone, in which warren tells him that he doesn’t know his real identity. masaferry says he does, claiming that the real warren is the one stuck with his stupid complaints, that think about his own problems and understand people’s feelings, a man that deeply loved just one woman. warren mocks him, taking it s a joke as he was able to say that even after realizing he is a vampire. warren walks towards masaferry and violently grabs him, telling him that the days he was his “friend” were fun, because he made him think he was human again but that was nothing but an illusion, and then, he takes his gun.

ailess tell warren to shoot masaferry, but instead, he decides to shoot ailess, telling him that his original plan was to runaway with her but that he didn’t want him or masaferry to have her. but he realized that he was a vampire and that he couldn’t be with a human. warren asks ailess if he is not tired of eternity, so he thought it was time to finish it, but that he didn’t have to worry because he was going to stay forever with him as he promised, telling him he was going to join him soon in death. ailess’ bullet hole starts to heal and he says that it will heal in no time if he drinks the blood of the girl, telling warren that they should live together again, just the two of them. masaferry offers his own life in order to save her and warren, and warren tells him he is out of his mind. masaferry says he knows what he is saying and asks ailess to heal the injury with his blood and that it is not enough, he will become their slave. warren tells him it is painful and that he doesn’t understand what he is doing but masaferry says he understood something by looking at him.

masaferry tells the girl that even though they didn’t have a ceremony he will think of her as her wife, but tells her that he can’t ignore his friend either. he tells ailess to live together and take his blood, so they can stop with the sacrifices. ailess starts having memories on when he became a vampire and finally accepts the deal. they both turn masaferry into a vampire.

three shadows, non-existent anywhere, without any happiness or a heart beating hurt by sadness, without love and wandering around the world.

[cafeinthemoon]

The Home I Crave - Chapter 6

Title: The Home I Crave

Genre: Fanfiction

Pairing: Tobirama Senju x reader

Rating: teen and up

Word count: 1940

Chapter: 6/?

Symbols: ⭕ | ➕ | 💛 | ▶️▶️

Read the previous chapter here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5

You opened your mouth to say something, but gave up in the middle of it. Did he just say he created a teleportation jutsu? Yes, your ears were not deceived, neither were your eyes: you saw him just appearing inside a room where you were surely left alone. And now he was just there apologizing for his brother as if Hashirama just forgot to tell you something as obvious as the location of the room’s window. For everything you’ve heard until that day you already knew your betrothed was not a common man, but this surpassed your expectations.

You also wanted to say that what Hashirama didn’t anything serious and that you were already recovered from the shock, but Tobirama’s words made you feel like that wasn’t true: a mistake was made, and thanks to it the meeting between the bride and the groom didn’t happen as planned. Well, you were upset too, but it wasn’t the end of the alliance, was it? However, that was the way he put things.

It was when something woke up in your brain, and recollecting everything you already knew about him you understood what Mito wanted to say when she stated that Tobirama was the opposite of his brother.

This urged you to fix the discomfort and to reason with him as soon as you could.

- As you already found out, Lord Advisor, I am y/n from the … clan, our head’s eldest daughter and his advisor as well – you bowed your head in an imitation of his gesture – You will forgive me, but I believe we can take things a little lighter. I don’t believe the Hokage made a serious mistake, and even if he has warned me about the seal I think I would be caught in surprise seeing it in action.

You weren’t sure if your response was enough to soothe his humor, but something changed in his expression and tone when he spoke again.

- You are right – and looking at the seal again – I’ve been using this technique for so long that sometimes I forget how unusual it might seem to the people who never heard of it.

You’ve already met ninjas who created jutsu before, but none of them seemed so proud of them as the younger Senju. From now on, you would have to watch your steps when the subject were his jutsu.

Judging that you had nothing more to say about the incident, Tobirama opened the door, indicating the exit to you.

- We will be late if we stay here.

You passed by the door and he closed it behind him, walking through the corridor towards the house’s entry. You followed him, but once you reached the front door you cleared your throat, gaining his attention right when he had his hand over the door.

He turned to you.

- Is there something wrong?

- Well, I... think it is appropriate if you offer me your arm.

Tobirama stared at you as if your solicitation was entirely unexpected. You almost told him to not do it if he didn’t want to, but he offered you his left arm without a word, which you accepted with equal silence before he finally opened the residence’s door.

***

The ceremony itself was faster than you thought it would be, considering that you’ve already attended to events like that and always sensed they lasted for an eternity. Or maybe your head were so full of preoccupations that you haven’t much time to feel bored by all the formalities in which you had to take part.

After you two said your vows before the priest, you turned to each other: it was the time for the kiss. You might have seemed more surprised than you should be, because Tobirama approached you and asked if everything was okay; you nodded and just said you were nervous, not dreaming of telling him you completely forgot about this part.

He didn’t waste time with deliberations or affected gestures: he bowed to you and kissed your forehead, finishing it fast enough to your relief and to Hashirama and Mito’s deception, or so you thought when you glanced at them right after.

***

When the ceremony and the greeting session with representatives of both the Senju and your clan was over, you and your husband left the temple and went to the night, prepared to go to your house. You were curious, for everything you’ve seen from it was its entry during a walk with Mito, but now you were going to step into it and learn to see it as your new home.

You were aware of the house’s location, so that once you left the temple’s area you started walking towards that direction, but Tobirama called you before you went too far.

- Yes? – you turned to him.

- Where are you going?

Your first thought was that he was being ironic, but two reasons made you abandon the idea: first, such behavior didn’t fit him, and second, he was serious as usual.

You replied to him in the same tone.

- To our house. This is the right way, isn’t it? – you pointed the street you were about to walk in.

- Yes. But we are not going to walk to reach it.

Before you could ask what were you going to do then, he came to your side and touched your shoulder. You didn’t have enough time to blink, even less time to ask him what he was doing: in one moment, you were still at the entry of the temple; in the next one, you were in a completely different place. You looked around and recognized the Advisor’s residence at your right. Looking closer to the wooden door, in a corner you noticed a copy of the seal you found behind the door of the room where you met glowing in the dark.

So that was how his teleportation jutsu worked. Impressive.

Tobirama opened the door and entered, turning on the lights. You entered just after him, who closed the door behind you while you looked around, still getting used to the fact that you would have to live there from now on. It wasn’t bad, though: the place was tidy, simple, organized, a reflection of his owner; besides, it was wide, so that you shouldn’t have difficulties to maintain the amount of privacy necessary in the period of adaptation to a new routine.

It was when you remembered something.

- I just realized I didn’t talk to Mito before we left – you started speaking, not sure if you were getting a reply so heavy was his silence after closing the door – We were going to go back to the Hokage’s residence so she would help me to bring the rest of my things.

Yes, in the morning of that day you sent some of your essential things to Tobirama’s house after receiving a message from him telling you to do so, but most of the less important things were left in the room you were using at Hashirama’s, so you talked to Mito and she said she would bring them with you after the ceremony; but you left so early that you barely talked to her about it. What were you going to do now?

- It is not an unsolvable problem, y/n-san.

The reply came faster than you expected. You saw Tobirama making a hand seal you never seen before; two columns of white smoke appeared on each side of him, giving place to two figures who looked exactly like him. Two clones.

He touched their backs and spoke to you.

- I marked them with my Hiraishin. They are going to go to my brother’s house and pack your things, bringing them here as soon as they can. There is no need to bother my sister-in-law with this.

You wanted to say that this wouldn’t bother her because that was precisely the plan you two have made, but you ended up quiet. He ordered the clones to teleport to Hashirama’s house and they obeyed, disappearing in the next instant.

Tobirama reached the white flower on his chest and took it off his clothing. You had a similar flower adorning your hair as well; he approached you and took it off your strand, holding them together without looking at you or saying anything that revealed his thoughts. Close to the living room’s window at your left, there was a round, small table; he went there and found a blue vase, inside which he left the flower. When he came back to you, it was as if he just forgot about the flowers’ existence.

Maybe he did, for he changed the subject with the same promptitude he left the flowers behind:

- Now let’s prepare something to eat.

Something in this invitation made you feel willing to offer yourself to help.

- Yes. Since you know your own kitchen better, I can put the table while you cook…

While you went to the kitchen, he thanked your suggestion but explained that he was going to use a third clone to cook while he himself was going to organize the table.

- You can go and wash your hands – he pointed at a corridor that extended to the core of the residence until divide itself in two, continuing at the right and the left – The bathroom is at your right, behind the last door.

He soon turned to the kitchen and created another clone, who immediately started to work as he took bowls to put on the table. You had nothing more to say, so you just went to the door he indicated wondering how many clones he was able to make in so little time.

Once in the bathroom, you decided to take some time for yourself. Besides washing your hands, you removed your makeup and undid your hairstyle. You thought of taking a bath, but your stomach made a loud noise telling you not to until you eat something.

When you came back to the kitchen, everything was ready and Tobirama told you to sit and serve yourself.

***

After a silent dinner, Tobirama took you to other parts of the house while a clone was left behind to clean the dishes.

He showed you the main departments, such as the room you would share, his office, the library and the service area with brief explanations of his methods to keep them clean and organized – which was almost resumed to the use of Shadow Clones since he had so little time to spent at home and didn’t like the idea of paying someone else to do this job for him. You asked him about how he was able to manage the clones’ activity in his absence, and he explained that unlike common clones, the Shadow Clones used by him – actually, another jutsu he created – were physical copies of the original person, so that they would always know what to do even when the original was not present. In the end, when the clones disappeared, their experiences were transferred to the primary individual.

It was strange that he spoke as if he had to work hard to maintain the order in a place where he lived alone when all you saw while looking into the rooms was an organization  you’ve rarely seen in a man’s house.

You were going to question him about the task division now that you would live there as well, when the clones came back with your things. Tobirama told them to take them to your room and they obeyed without a word.

[rhoeysama]

The “lack of romantic vibes” between Jonathan and Nancy in early S2: why it makes sense

I often see the complaint about Nancy and Jonathan in Season 2 and "not displaying affection/romantic vibes" prior to the big scene, and that their romance was badly written because that kiss seemed “forced” and “out of nowhere” or “rushed”. I understand this complaint, and I’ve agreed with it up until now, and I’ve actually changed my mind, so I thought I'd like to address it and share my thoughts on why I disagree. This is going to be a long one, so I’m placing it under a ‘read more’, and because, well, spoilers. 

So, for starters. I agree that their relationship up until episode 6 was very tell and not show. But the hints were there constantly, even if most of their interaction was very business-like as they acquired the tape recorder, called Barb’s mother, and went on their road trip.

Season 1 set the tone for their relationship, and showed us clearly that they had a strong bond, a connection, that would eventually lead to something more. Even though Season 1 ended with Nancy and Steve together again, it was not a definite happily-ever-after for either Nancy or Jonathan. 

In season 2, the very first interaction the two share is basically Nancy punching Jonathan in the gut with a party invitation flyer and telling him (not asking!) that he's coming to the party, period. When he says he’s not interested in “getting sheet faced”, she says “Just come!” She wants him there; he doesn’t have to get “sheet faced”, just show up is all that matters. Not just for her sake, but because he should allow himself to be more social and meet people, after everything he’s been going through as well. So, he reluctantly attends the party. 

(Just as a parenthesis: imagine how much differently that evening would have played out if Jonathan would've showed up sooner, before Nancy had a chance to go on a binger and get wasted.)

There weren't any palpable romantic vibes or sexual tension between the two up until episode 6, it’s true. But it should be no surprise or wonder, considering that Nancy was not in the romantic kind of headspace AT ALL; she was on a quest to avenge her dead best friend, whose death she had been mourning and blaming herself for - and Steve, to some extent ("we killed Barb"). Jonathan at least got his brother back. But Nancy lost her dearest and closest friend (who was probably the closest thing she had to a sister), and carried the guilt of not only having been responsible for it, but also having to look Barb's parents in the eyes each week, eating their food, in their house (where she no doubt had plenty of memories growing up), pretty much lying straight to their faces about their daughter and feeding into their false hopes of finding her, while everyone else had just forgotten about Barb altogether, like she never even existed. 

The pain and burden of all of that was eating away at Nancy day by day, to the point that she could no longer function normally; it was haunting her and it was all she could ever think of, but had to pretend that everything was okay. Jonathan was the only one who knew what she was going through (having himself felt the guilt of not being there for Will and blaming himself for his brother's disappearance), and the only one whom she could trust, who was also willing to cooperate and help her set things right, at least for her own and Barb's parents' sake. She couldn’t do everything, but she had to do something, and Jonathan had her back, despite her telling him that he shouldn’t feel obligated to help her out.

The only thing on her mind was to carry out a dangerous plan that could potentially get them both killed or detained indefinitely without trial, as Steve had said: "These people can do whatever they want". After all, they DID fake Will’s death, what would stop them from making Nancy and Jonathan disappear?

So, my point is: it's not exactly the right time or situation for a love confession.

They had forced their romantic feelings aside, because what took priority was the humongous task at hand, which they could not afford to blow!

It was at that motel room, as things were winding down for the night, after a long day of traveling and plotting, that Nancy was brought out of her preoccupation and reminded of Jonathan's presence, their past experiences, and her unspoken feelings for him. That was the first time in probably a long time that she allowed herself to touch the subject and bring it up with him.

"Don't you think it's weird how we only seem to hang out when the world's about to end?"

"It's not going to end."

"Feels like it..." she says with a sigh.

Because that's how she feels about her own life, her own world. She was talking about herself. Because this is said before they know about Will being possessed, before they know about the sheer scale of the Upside Down’s spread in their world, and the failure of Hawkins Lab to contain it. 

For a little while, comparing their scars where they’d deliberately cut their hands, she's reminded of the history that they share, and her feelings for him. She wonders what happened to the two of them, why they suddenly stopped being "us” after everything they went through together, and reveals that she waited for him to make a move; to tell her that it wasn’t just her who felt the way she did. But he never made the move, ultimately causing her to seek comfort in Steve's arms instead. Sure, she cared for Steve deeply, and he was good to her, and she liked him well enough. But she didn't really love him, their whole relationship didn’t really feel right, but she probably pushed that feeling out of her mind as well, only delaying the inevitable. That conversation in the motel room didn’t amount to much, because on top of everything on Nancy’s mind already, Jonathan (quite obtusely) complains that she “only waited a month”, rubbing more salt in her wound, and making her think that it was over and done with, that he had moved on, that he probably didn’t share her feelings.

Enter Murray. He is the one who eventually gets them to confront not just the corrupt government and expose its lies and cover-ups, but also their feelings for each other, and their own lies and cover-ups, their bullshitting of each other as well as themselves.

Having taken a serious step towards accomplishing their goal, both of them let their guard down and allowed for a celebration with drinks. And with everything they had told Murray, and from what he could tell from their body language (the shared glances, finishing each other’s sentences, constant physical closeness, etc), he put the pieces together, and told them what he saw, taking them both by surprise and getting under their skin.

“We’re just friends”. 

“You’re young, attractive, you have chemistry, history, plus, the real shit: shared trauma.” 

In other words: what’s holding you back?

It forced them to start thinking about their feelings for each other again, and what all of it really means for them. Nancy started realizing that maybe Jonathan just wasn’t brave enough to make the first move, and Jonathan probably also understood that Nancy was in a similar position. What Murray had said got them thinking that maybe this whole time, what they thought had been extinguished between them was still there, but simply hindered by their own fears. 

The weight of everything comes crashing down onto them like poorly assembled IKEA furniture, until they can no longer just ignore it and hold back anymore.

Nancy has always been someone who focuses on a goal and sees it through till the end, be it with her grades, her plans, or just like the first time she shot a gun; she focused, aimed, pulled the trigger and hit the can. This is why she shoots right out of bed, bolts straight for the door, only to be shocked to find Jonathan standing there, who had the same idea as her: maybe Murray is just drunk and full of it, but in the off chance that there’s truth to what he said, if he doesn’t take his chances now and find out, he probably never will. 

This is why their “business-like”, focused, serious demeanor and lack of flirting/affection prior to the big kiss makes a lot of sense. But I’m of course curious to hear your thoughts if you disagree or agree or whatever.

[pottergerms]

Ouch, my heart: an analysis of the Sectumsempra

Well, well well…. look who’s back from the dead (me, if you couldn’t guess).

First of all, I want to apologise for not doing these for so long. Things got a little insane in my life. I haven’t had time to blink these days, but here I am, because I love you all.

First of all: thank you and sorry it took me over a year to do this. And second of all: of course I can! 

I think this is the post everyone was waiting for and I have no idea if I'm ready for it. Wait. I know I'm not.

But since I'm either a masochist or already too numb from all the pain this ship causes me, I'll try anyway. Fuck the police.

I'll open this discussion with Harry's last thought about Draco before the horrible tragedy that we call Sectumsempra:

Was it his imagination, or did Malfoy, like Tonks, look thinner? Certainly he looked paler; his skin still had that greyish tinge, probably because he so rarely saw daylight these days. But there was no air of smugness, or excitement, or superiority; none of the swagger that he had had on the Hogwarts Express, when he had boasted openly of the mission he had been given by Voldemort … there could be only one conclusion, in Harry’s opinion: the mission, whatever it was, was going badly.

Ok, let's start by the fact Harry says Draco has a "swagger". Not my words!

And also: Yer a stupid wizard, Harry.

The boy is falling behind in classes, he's sad and lonely, he looks sick, you know he's terrified he's not pleasing Voldemort. So instead of trying to help him, you go and use a spell for enemies on him. A boy genius.

I don't even know why I'll point this out again, but it's not normal to keep noticing those things about people you don't care about, ok? It's just not done. You're fooling yourself!

Meanwhile, Harry is getting desperate here. If it's because Draco looks sick or because he couldn't find out what his mission was, we'll never know. But he knows he's running out of time, and he has other personal problems to deal with, like the horcruxes and his huge crush *sarcasm* on Ginny.

And coincidentally his crush on her seems to grow, suddenly. Almost like it's a distraction... hm. She's exactly like the opposite of his true crush, I mean, obsession, I mean... Malfoy. She makes him forget, instead of making him feel like everything is falling apart; she doesn't have any problems besides boys and Quidditch, while Draco's buried in shit.

But still, he thinks about her far less than he thinks about *someone else*. Because a constant in this book is that nothing is more pressing than Draco Malfoy. Not the Prince himself, not the horcruxes, not girls or Quidditch. Nothing.

In the midst of all his preoccupations Harry had not forgotten his other ambition: finding out what Malfoy was up to in the Room of Requirement. He was still checking the Marauder’s Map and, as he was often unable to locate Malfoy on it, deduced that Malfoy was still spending plenty of time within the Room.

Oh yeah, in the midst of his problems, one being he didn't know if Ginny was worth upsetting Ron (and if that's not an indicative that she's not your one true love, Harry, I don't know what is), he still has plenty of time to obsess over Draco Malfoy.

Just healthy, really.

And now, because I didn't forget the real issue here, let's read what brilliant thoughts Harry Potter has about the Sectumsempra:

...he saw the Sectumsempra spell, captioned ‘For Enemies’, that he had marked a few weeks previously. He had still not found out what it did, mainly because he did not want to test it around Hermione, but he was considering trying it out on McLaggen next time he came up behind him unawares.

Oh yeah! He was considering trying the Sectumsempra on Cormac! That's how much of a genius he is. Harry, go study some latin before you use a fucking spell, will ya?

I mean, you would think that a boy who lost both parents to a curse and studied Charms for 6 years would think to at least check the etymology of a spell before using it on another human being. Or not, if you're stupid as fuck!

Ok, so are you ready for the heartbreak? *takes deep breath*

Harry made his usual detour along the seventh-floor corridor, checking the Marauder’s Map as he went. For a moment he could not find Malfoy anywhere, and assumed he must indeed be inside the Room of Requirement again, but then he saw Malfoy’s tiny, labelled dot standing in a boys’ bathroom on the floor below, accompanied, not by Crabbe or Goyle, but by Moaning Myrtle.

First of all, Harry, why??? What kind of dodgy business could he be planning with the ghost of a muggleborn girl murdered by Voldemort? If anything, that shows he's really not who you think he is.

It took me years after reading this book to realise Draco was confessing to a mudblood, and a victim of Voldemort. To me, that's a symbol of how his views were changing and how, in the end, he was a victim, not a villain. He was like her in a way. 

Also, how fucking lonely he was. *sobbing*

God, that makes me so mad! This is the only time Harry really disappointed me and I think he fucking knows it. He disappointed himself too.

Draco Malfoy was standing with his back to the door, his hands clutching either side of the sink, his white-blond head bowed.

‘Don’t,’ crooned Moaning Myrtle’s voice from one of the cubicles. ‘Don’t … tell me what’s wrong… I can help you …’

‘No one can help me,’ said Malfoy. His whole body was shaking. ‘I can’t do it … I can’t … it won’t work … and unless I do it soon … he says he’ll kill me …’

And Harry realised, with a shock so huge it seemed to root him to the spot, that Malfoy was crying – actually crying – tears streaming down his pale face into the grimy basin.

To be honest, I can't choose what's worse about this whole thing. Draco confessing to a ghost, because he has no one (and not just any ghost, but the one everyone can't stand)? The fact he is crying because he's so scared?

Or maybe the fact that Harry is just so stupid he can't use simple logic and understand that, whatever this is, Draco doesn't have a choice???

Ouch, my heart just broke real quick.

Malfoy gasped and gulped and then, with a great shudder, looked up into the cracked mirror and saw Harry staring at him over his shoulder.

Malfoy wheeled round, drawing his wand. Instinctively, Harry pulled out his own. Malfoy’s hex missed Harry by inches, shattering the lamp on the wall beside him; Harry threw himself sideways, thought Levicorpus! and flicked his wand, but Malfoy blocked the jinx and raised his wand for another –

(...)

There was a loud bang and the bin behind Harry exploded; Harry attempted a Leg-Locker Curse that backfired off the wall behind Malfoy’s ear and smashed the cistern beneath Moaning Myrtle, who screamed loudly; water poured everywhere and Harry slipped over as Malfoy, his face contorted, cried, ‘Cruci—’

I can't imagine how humiliated he feels, and how terrified he is, because not only was he crying because of Voldemort, but now Harry Potter knows too much. And Harry won't help him, he's sure of that.

You know what breaks me? They start do duel with childish hexes and curses, and it escalates so quickly, before any of them can take a moment to realise the seriousness of it.

And I wish Draco was going to say "Crucifix nail nipples!", but we know he was not. But do you wanna know what I believe? If he had time to finish saying the word, nothing would happen, and Harry would be able to see he's not evil. He obviously didn't mean the Crucio. 

But before he has that chance, Harry goes and fucks up royally:

‘SECTUMSEMPRA!’ bellowed Harry from the floor, waving his wand wildly.

Blood spurted from Malfoy’s face and chest as though he had been slashed with an invisible sword. He staggered backwards and collapsed on to the waterlogged floor with a great splash, his wand falling from his limp right hand.

‘No –’ gasped Harry.

Slipping and staggering, Harry got to his feet and plunged towards Malfoy, whose face was now shining scarlet, his white hands scrabbling at his blood-soaked chest.

‘No – I didn’t –’

Harry did not know what he was saying; he fell to his knees beside Malfoy, who was shaking uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood.

To be honest, Harry never in a million years thought that would be a lethal curse. Never. He wanted to test it on McLaggen!

I can't stand this moment, I can't. I makes me tear up every time.

Because there is Draco's physical pain, which was probably horrible, then there's his emotional pain, because he's at his most vulnerable moment and it's such a betrayal! Harry is one of the good guys. He was afraid Voldemort would do something like that to him, not Harry. And that is so so so sad.

And there's Harry's pain as well, because he's fucking terrified. He knows Draco is dying, he knows he did something unthinkable, he knows he fucked up. Sometimes I can't believe Draco actually saved Harry after that, because this probably haunted him for a long time.

Just imagine seeing someone surrounded by their own blood, with deep cuts and shaking in pain. I don't think you can forget it that easily. Especially if you were responsible for it.

And you know what makes me angry? That Harry compartmentalises what he's feeling so well that it's like two different people: one when he's alone, looking at what he did, and one once he finds his friends. It's maddening.

But there's a reason for that, and we'll get into it soon.

“Harry was still watching, horrified by what he had done, barely aware that he too was soaked in blood and water. Moaning Myrtle was still sobbing and wailing overhead. When Snape had performed his counter-curse for the third time, he half-lifted Malfoy into a standing position.

‘You need the hospital wing. There may be a certain amount of scarring, but if you take dittany immediately we might avoid even that … come …’

He supported Malfoy across the bathroom, turning at the door to say in a voice of cold fury, ‘And you, Potter … you wait here for me.’

It did not occur to Harry for a second to disobey. He stood up slowly, shaking, and looked down at the wet floor. There were bloodstains floating like crimson flowers across its surface. He could not even find it in himself to tell Moaning Myrtle to be quiet, as she continued to wail and sob with increasingly evident enjoyment.”

I love the way JKR describes how Harry sees it, how vivid are the consequences of what happened. And I obviously love how Snape tells Draco it might scar, possibly more for Harry to hear than for him. Snape knows him well, he knows the guilt trip he could go into and is trying to push him into it. And Harry deserves it.

It doesn't happen, though, because immediately after, he goes to find his friends (and Ginny), who make him forget about his feelings.

But before we get into that, I'd like to talk about the symbolism of Harry finding the room of hidden things when he's trying to hide the book. It's the room he's been trying to get in all year, and it's almost like a physical representation of Draco at this point.

It's very interesting how he can suddenly get in, almost like the barriers are all down, almost like Draco stopped caring about hiding it from him. Almost like he's so sad and hopeless he stops trying. Thinking about the wave of disappointment he must be feeling, it's very possible that Draco's feelings were an influence in the door showing up for Harry.

Anyway, then Harry tells his friends about what just happened and they respond exactly like you would expect them too, almost to a stereotypical extreme.

“I won’t say “I told you so”,’ said Hermione, an hour later in the common room. ‘Leave it, Hermione,’ said Ron angrily.”

Isn't it interesting how none of them we just horrified by the whole thing? How Hermione just focuses on the book, not on the teenager almost bleeding to death?

“(...) Malfoy had already been visited in the hospital wing by Pansy Parkinson, who had lost no time in vilifying Harry far and wide...”

I just love this sentence. First of all, with all her flaws, I love Pansy. She's just the best friend Draco could have in that moment, because she takes no bullshit. And to be fair, Harry deserved to be vilified. And you can sense his opinions on what he's done are changing because his friends just excuse what he did, especially Ginny:

“Give it a rest, Hermione!’ said Ginny, and Harry was so amazed, so grateful, he looked up. ‘By the sound of it Malfoy was trying to use an Unforgivable Curse, you should be glad Harry had something good up his sleeve!”

I hated her so much in that moment. What Harry did it's inexcusable, and he knows it. So it hurts my eyes to see her say something so dismissive. Draco would not be able to actually Crucio him and, deep down, Harry knows it. He doesn't even try to convince himself he's faultless, that it was self-defense.

Ok, so let's expand on Ginny's rare presence being right in this chapter.

It's no coincidence this is the same chapter where Harry kisses Ginny for the first time. Remember what I mentioned in the beginning of this post? The whole of Half-Blood Prince is built using a parallel between Harry's relationship with Draco and his relationship with Ginny to move the plot in the right direction.

“Hermione and Ginny, who had always got on together very well, were now sitting with their arms folded, glaring in opposite directions. Ron looked nervously at Harry, then snatched up a book at random and hid behind it. Harry, however, though he knew he little deserved it, felt unbelievably cheerful all of a sudden, even though none of them spoke again for the rest of the evening.”

I mean, come on. He literally buries his guilt in giddiness because Ginny is defending him. Defending him against something he knows is his fault. She's helping him forget Malfoy. Again.

And this chapter is so cleverly written it splits his feelings with the places and situations he's in: when he's with Snape, in the dungeons, he can feel the guilt as a physical presence. Snape makes sure he understands that the detention is about making him feel guilty:

“Mr Filch has been looking for someone to clear out these old files,’ said Snape softly. ‘They are the records of other Hogwarts wrongdoers and their punishments. Where the ink has grown faint, or the cards have suffered damage from mice, we would like you to copy out the crimes and punishments afresh and, making sure that they are in alphabetical order, replace them in the boxes. You will not use magic.”

When he thinks about Gryffindor and Ginny, he forgets about any negative thing happening with him: 

“And while he copied out all their various offences and punishments, he wondered what was going on outside, where the match would have just started … Ginny playing Seeker against Cho …”

To be honest, that is one of the things that always bothered me with this ship being canon. Ginny never sees the Harry we see, she always sees someone who's always right, someone who's the hero. And Harry only sees Ginny as a ladder to a life he wants so desperately. A life with no complications, with a family, with giddiness and lightness. He holds onto her because she makes him forget all the horrible things he has gone through, and that's one reason why he never tells her anything: he wants her in a bell jar, untouched by his traumas.

And we all know that's not who he really is. The final proof is how this chapter ends:

Harry looked around; there was Ginny running towards him; she had a hard, blazing look in her face as she threw her arms around him. And without thinking, without planning it, without worrying about the fact that fifty people were watching, Harry kissed her.

(...)

The creature in his chest roaring in triumph, Harry grinned down at Ginny and gestured wordlessly out of the portrait hole. A long walk in the grounds seemed indicated, during which – if they had time – they might discuss the match.”

This moment is like a completely different book. It's a fantasy. Something Harry knew couldn't last. It was escapism.

This chapter is also the last before Malfoy finally figures out how to fix the cabinet and Harry goes with Dumbledore to retrieve the horcrux. It's almost like a tragic farewell to the relationship the two of them had prior to thing getting fucking serious. It all changes after that.

The Sectumsempra in itself changes everything. Harry, someone who we know as heroic and honourable, commits an act that shifts what we know about him, and at the same time Draco, who up until then we see as a bidimensional character, comes alive and gets layers on top of layers. It's the only possible introduction to what happens in Deathly Hallows. Tragic and horrible, but beautiful to watch.

I mean, I could go on and on. If I had the time, I would probably debate every single sentence in this book that, to me, is the most symbolic and crucial of them all.

But I do have a job, so this will do. Hope you guys enjoyed it!

[bloodhonnie]

I know you’re not an expert or anything but was wondering if you had an opinion on this.. I have BPD and my dad has classic NPD traits. So I’ve suffered emotional abuse due to him which has probs caused the BPD. I view him more as his own person who his own unprocessed trauma and his behaviours are not about me. My friend thinks her grandma has NPD and called it a “dangerous dangerous.” Do you think there’s a line between NPD being dangerous but also us offering some compassion?abuse is hard idk

Before I start this I wanna mention I have a BA in Psychology. I’m in no way an expert but I have taken classes and that’s what’s on my college diploma. That being said a lot of the stuff in textbooks and what’s taught in fundemental classes isn’t always accurate. I’m going to be speaking from my personal experience and I am in no way saying that things are as I say they are. Think for yourself and maybe use what I say as a tentative basis to do your own research. You can read studies for free on scihub after using Google/Google scholar to find research articles. With all that being said this is what I personally think given the context and experiences I’ve had:

Not eveyone with NPD is gonna be an abuser just like how not eveyone with BPD is someone who was abused.

Let me frame it this way. We as people with BPD know that BPD doesn’t control us and that we’re still accountable for our actions. The same goes with people who have NPD.

Before I continue to address this question (cause I don’t wanna forget)

Do not diagnose other people in an effort to explain their behavior.

Alright so NPD is severely misrepresented the same way BPD is. It’s important to engage with the words, diagnosis, etc... that we interact with daily. Let’s see what the DSM5 has to say about NPD yeah?

“In the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), [1] NPD is defined as comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:

A grandiose sense of self-importance

A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement

Interpersonally exploitive behavior

A lack of empathy

Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes”

Source: DSM-V via Medscape.com

(I would’ve actually gone into the dsm 5 and gotten a screenshot but my laptop is broken sorry)

NYU has a chart (that is in the dsm5) let’s take a look at that too

“ Narcissistic Personality Disorder DSM-IV Criteria

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

A.

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: 1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high- status people (or institutions).

AND

4. Requires excessive admiration.

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

B.

Pathological personality traits in the following domain: 1. Antagonism, characterized by:

DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders

trauma).

DSM-5 Criteria - Revised June 2011

© 2012 American Psychiatric Association. All Rights Reserved. See Terms & Conditions of Use for more information.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

a. Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert;

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder DSM-IV Criteria

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

A. A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the

A.

Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders

C.

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D.

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

E.

The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

DSM-5 Criteria - Revised June 2011

© 2012 American Psychiatric Association. All Rights Reserved. See Terms & Conditions of Use for more information.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

1.

Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Sense of self derived predominantly from work or

productivity; constricted experience and expression of”

Source: NYU.edu

Are you starting to see how more context gives people humanity? People are misrepresenting and misusing the word narssasitic. It has a clinical significance that is different from the colloquial significance. Another word that might tie it all together that is misused in the same type of way is intersectionality. Colloquially intersectionality is a term used to describe the intersections of all minority identities. In reality intersectionality is a race theory that was coined by Kimberle Crenshaw to explain the intersections of race and gender in reference to black women. Crenshaw later expanded that to include the intersections of race (excluding whiteness), gender, and queerness. Without the context of intersectionality as a race theory intersectionality is being misused and misrepresented. I hope that was a good enough example.

Before I move on let’s recap what I’ve discussed so far as to spare any confusion.

1) people with personality disorders are responsible for their actions.

2) BPD is not exclusively tied to abuse. (I can go into this in a different post if you’re interested).

3) We do not try to diagnose other people.

4) Personality disorders are often misrepresented.

5) We learned the 9 criteria for the diagnosis of NPD in the DSM-V (2018).

6) We learned context is important to understanding misused terms. (I.e what the criteria for NPD actually manifests as). (NYU chart)

7) The example of intersectionality and how it is also a colloquially misused term.

Im gonna end on two separate points.

The first point is that personality disorders are under constant scrutiny due to how similar symptoms are. There is actually talk of removing BPD in the next volume (not addendum) of the DSM. Knowing that I can mention how NPD was removed in 2013 but was later added back in.

My second point is that it’s important to educate yourself as much as you can and to not think that people are abuusive because of a mental illness. People are responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive they’re abusive. Sometimes there are no explanations.

[danganronpa-imagines]

May I request headcannons where Nagito, Teruteru, Hajime, Ouma and Kiibo find their s/o crying because they are being relentlessly bullied? Thank you.

Hi! And yes, you may! Thank you so very much for the request! I vow to try my very best! Have a good day now, okay? If you are being bullied, please don’t hesitate to come and talk to me. Being bullied is definitely not fun, and you don’t deserve it. No one does. So, you can definitely come talk to me if you’d like. That goes for anyone who may be going through something troubling, regardless of what it may be. I can be busy, but I’ll make time for you if it means you’ll feel better.

Nagito Komaeda

- Needless to say, Nagito was grief-stricken to discover you crying alone in your room. Something was amiss when you arrived home from university in silence and rushed away to your room. He happened to not have class that day, so he was lounging on the couch, anticipating your return. Once the front door opened, there was a sorrow that polluted the air, prompting him from his seat.

- He approached your door and gently knocked with concern. No response, although there was a barely audible hush on the other side, silencing the sniffling. He urged the door open to find you withdrawn and stowed away beneath your desk. He walked toward you slowly and quietly before crouching down, his gaze meeting yours. 

- “S/O, please talk to me. Please, what is the matter?”

- You tell him that you’ve been bullied at university, and that you’ve been keeping it from him, as to not worry him. He sighs, and offers a disappointed smile. He relays to you that he wished you would have said something, and that worrying about you is something he does anyway. He asks if you would like for him to do something, or for something to be done. 

- You shake your head quickly, although he has already decided what he would like to do. For now, he pulls you in close for a reassuring embrace. Because of your knowledge of his past, his hold always is comforting albeit saddening, considering all he has been through. It amazes you how he still is capable of such pure and genuine love despite it all. You two hold each other for what feels like the remainder of the day.

- The following day at university, you head out to lunch, worried about what is to come. You see them approaching from the distance, and brace yourself. But what surprises you, however, is seeing Nagito as well. He walks toward you confidently, with a box lunch in hand, before sitting beside you. He looks up to the students with nothing to offer but a menacing glare, driving them away quickly, before turning back to you with a smile. He hands you the lunch he made himself.

- “How has your day been so far, S/O?”

Teruteru Hanamura

- You return home in tears. Teruteru immediately rushes to your side, alarmed.

- “Why, whatever happened to you, my love? What is wrong?”

- You tell him that you were heckled quite harshly by your coworkers today. It was your first day at the job of your dreams, so the outcome was all the more hurtful and devastating. He sighs understandably. He tells you that he, too, was bullied as a child. He was bullied for his appearance and for being overly dependent and attached to his mother. 

- He proceeds to lead you to the kitchen, sitting down on the kitchen floor beside you. He holds your hand and tells you about his childhood. Teruteru was bullied relentlessly, just like you were. But whenever he came home in tears, his mother would always sit and talk to him, just like he is to you now. Then, she would cook him his favorite meal afterward. It never failed to cheer him up, which is why he adored his mother so very much. 

- You recalled your most recent visit to her home. She was very compassionate, kind, and loving. It’s no wonder that Teruteru was and is so attached to her. You broke out of your preoccupation when you felt him gently lead your head to rest on his stomach. He strokes your hair lovingly. He smiles at you warmly, and suggests that he get up to make you your favorite meal.

- It takes him no time at all to finish preparing your favorite meal. It is presented to you fresh and hot. You look at it for a while, leaving him to wonder what is wrong. You get up from the kitchen counter stool and run over to hug him tight. 

- “Ah, S/O. My cooking is for the sake of making the people I love happy. Besides my own mother, that other person is you.”

Hajime Hinata

- “S/O? Come here. Did something happen?”

- You open your bedroom door a little. You had arrived home from work earlier than Hajime today, but only because you decided to leave early. You texted him, and he also decided to leave work slightly earlier than usual, about 5 minutes or so. He was a rather earnest and hard worker, so his boss is very kind and lenient with him. 

- You walk slowly into his outstretched arms, sobbing quietly into his chest. He embraces you, his hold firm and his arms filling with strength. He buries his face in your hair, and his hold becomes tighter. He apologizes that you had to endure such a thing, and asks if there was anything he could do to help. You tell him that your coworkers were bullying you, but you really had no choice but to remain at your job since you wouldn’t want to be without one. 

- He releases you, his hands resting on your shoulders. He asks if there are any hobbies or interests you pursue at home, such as drawing or writing novels. You say yes, and tell him what it is. He smiles and suggests that you begin to work at home, and pursue what you like without needing to endure any harrassment. He says he will support you for as long as you need until you take off, and the proposal brings you to tears. 

- From that day on, you have quit your office job and decided to pursue your hobby, turning it into a career you can maintain from home. You have gained a following of very kind, and compassionate people, all of whom appreciate and praise your work. Hajime looks on proudly, often reminding you of how proud he is. You thank him, appreciating his support with all of your heart. He says it’s no problem, and places a gentle kiss on your forehead.

- “I believe that if you try new things, even difficult things, that everything will be okay. I’m glad that this new approach you decided to take was something that you enjoy, and that I could help and be a part of your journey.”

Kokichi Ouma

- What? Someone bullied the person he treasured most? That is unacceptable. Something must be done, but only if you say it’s okay. But in all seriousness, Ouma becomes extremely protective and tender whenever you are hurt in any way, and seeing you hurt, distressed, or saddened affects him quite heavily, to the point in which he might cry out of frustration at how unfair things were. However, he tries not to, because he understands that he must be strong in order to support you. 

-  “S/O … I’m sorry that you had to endure such poor treatment. The world’s just so unfair …”

- He hugs you tightly, burying his face in your shoulder. You can sense his anger. He is angry because someone as patient, loving, compassionate and understanding as you were bullied. When no one bothered to speak to him, befriend him, or even look at him, you did. He was never sure why you did. Perhaps it was out of the kindness of your heart, or because you saw through his facade and knew he was a damaged and lonely person …

- He cries quietly into your shoulder, apologizing for not being able to protect you. He doesn’t mean to cry, because this isn’t about him but … he just loves you so much, and believes that you only deserve the best. He releases you, and gazes into your eyes with determination. He asks if there was anything he could do, anything at all. If you wished to obtain your revenge, you could consider it done. You smile and kiss him through your tears.

- He exclaims that he is serious, and that he is willing to do just about anything for you. You tell him that it is fine, and that you would just like to spend a quiet evening together with him. So that’s exactly what you two do. He makes you laugh, as he always does, with his silly jokes and antics. His presence brings about a lightheartedness about the air, and it wasn’t too long before you forget and fall asleep.

- The next day, you prepare yourself for more bullying. You see some of your bullies, and wonder why they weren’t all there. They were high achieving students, so it was rare for them to be absent. Your eyes meet, but they shriek in fear. They scream something about seeing a twisted, demon’s face, shrouded in darkness as if it was something from a horror movie. They began to shrivel in fear, whispering about seeing something absolutely satanic and blood-curdling. Upon arriving home, you offer Ouma a suspicious look. He snickers devilishly.

- “Nishishi … What I did was a lot less boring than just leaving them be! You now have nothing to worry about, S/O!”

Kiibo 

- “S/O! I sense that something is wrong! Please do not hesitate to tell me what that something is! I will not allow for you to push me away this time.”

- At work, there was this individual that liked you, but you did not reciprocate their feelings. The situation quickly became alarming and potentially dangerous. They began stalking you, following you around whilst being close behind, calling you derogatory names and terms, and cyberbullying you. You thought that returning home would grant you some space, but the cyberbullying prevented that. They haunted you and you were always in a state of worry, sadness, or fright.

- You never wanted to reveal this to Kiibo, as you did not wish to trouble, scare, or worry him, knowing his innocence and purity. Because the individual was potentially dangerous, you wanted to spare him, knowing they would harrass him as well for being different. So you kept quiet. He noticed, but whenever he would ask, you shrugged it off. He didn’t wish to pry any further if you didn’t want to share, so he would not persist.

- One day, it became too much. They threatened you, declaring that they knew where you lived. The message shook you to your soul, clasping at your heart and nearly suffocating you. You hear him calling you, but you don’t respond. You were paralyzed with fear, until your bedroom door swung open, and within an instant, Kiibo’s warmth engulfed you. He was holding you tightly from behind, his eyes closed tight and his face buried into your back.

- He is practically pleading for you to allow him to help you, and you show him your phone. He reads it over quickly, and exclaims that this is extremely serious, and that he won’t stand for this kind of harassment toward you from anyone. Without a second thought, he phones the police, and afterward, grabs you by the hand and leads you to the car. He drives you both to the police station, and upon arriving there, he meets with the police officer with whom he was on the phone with. Kiibo gently asks for your phone, and shows it to the officer. This was a form of dangerous harrassment, and the individual is to be reprimanded. 

- You are breathless as this all unfolds. Despite his usual meek demeanor and unfamiliarity with human institutions, he handled this so bravely and with so much determination. He believed your well-being, happiness, and life was on the line, and he knew he had to take action, no matter how drastic. He even asked you if you would like to move someplace else.

- You look at him, loving him with everything you had. During this entire process, he was so set on protecting you that he paid no heed to anything else, and when you hugged him, he finally was brought to tears. 

- “S/O … I was so … frightened, by everything that has happened to you. I just love you so much and … please, next time this happens, come to me right away, okay? I love you, so much.”

[adventure-hearts]

tri. Chapter 5 - Recap, Analysis, Review [ part three ]

(part one) (part two) 

Watching the Chosen Children brainstorm as a group is always interesting, but I’m particularly fond of how tri. has played with the Koushirou/Takeru dynamic, making the latter constantly ask relevant questions that point Koushirou to the right answer. After deliberating, group comes to the conclusion that Meicoomon may have been used as a "switch" by Ygdrasil, in order to bring these digimon to the real world and exterminate humans.

That is to say, at this point, the Chosen Children think that “Yg-something” is behind all the strange things that are happening in the world, and that it’s somehow against them. However, they still can’t quite understand Homeostasis’s agenda.

This is interesting because they still assume that Homeostasis is on their side but just not helping them; which shows that at this point they’re still seeing things from a narrow enemy/ally prism.

 *

The “horror story” sequence comes next, because this was getting a bit too serious and needed some room to breathe. Let me start by saying that humour is one of the things I value the most in all kinds of stories, and the type of humour tri. has used (often very meta, poking fun at characters and specific running gags) has been right up my alley.  Moreover, I think tri. is often at its best when it moves away from the plot for a bit and just shows us light-hearted character interactions and funny hijinks.

Yet, although I loved this scene and I think it serves a purpose in the episode, it does feel slightly out of place in the middle of a battle for the two worlds, when the characters are pretty much hiding from the media and maybe even the authorities. Sure, it’s Takeru’s idea, and Yamato immediately points out that it’s stupid, but everyone goes along, especially when Takeru enters full-on Troll Mode.

"Oh, he’s just being hopeful”, you may say. “All he wants is to cheer everyone up!", you might say. Let’s be real, he's 99% trying to piss off his brother. (Yamato being afraid of ghosts and playing air bass when he's afraid is two bits of information I NEEDED IN MY LIFE).

Jou tells the first story, because he’s The Eldest (TM) and, obviously, the funniest character in the group. Of course, down-to-earth Jou’s idea of a horrifying experience is very different from the others.

(This was an hilarious moment that reminded me of Hermione’s boggart in Prisioner of Azkaban reflecting a similar fear - but it also indicates that Jou’s preoccupation with school didn’t just vanish after his epiphany in Ketsui.)

Then Meiko gets central stage, and we see a repetition of a familiar pattern: she is amazing at something, apparently out of nowhere (see also: drawing and lighting fires in the woods). It’s the kind of thing that could come across as forced and a bit too convenient, but mostly it just shows that Meiko has talents and a personality beyond her current tragedy.

And, anyway, isn’t it bizarre to see these kids all terrified of some stupid, vaguely scary horror tale? The same kids who have faced literal demons, Vampires, evil clowns, ghosts, and darkness? Frankly, Takeru is the ONLY one who has a normal reaction to Meiko’s story.

His smile is sweet but, like always, you wonder what’s behind it. Is he happy to see Meiko come out of her depressive state and join the fun? Is he just happy to see Yamato's reaction to the whole thing? Is he glad to see the group forget about their troubles just for a while? tri.’s Takeru is a bit of a cypher, and that’s great.

On the whole, I'm still ambivalent about this segment. On the one hand, somehow it also feels slightly out of place and it’s hard to understand how the kids can forget what’s happening out there to play games in the dark. On the other hand, it delivers in terms of laughs and characterisation, and it is nice to have a little break in the middle of all this tragedy. Maybe the point is just to remind us that these are normal kids, who somehow manage to find some solace with each other.

*

In contrast, the " Phone Home" scenes are a terrific depiction of the characters and relationships, via “show not tell”. Mimi and Sora supporting each other; how Koushirou can't leave the computer even for a second; that Yamato still doesn't want to talk to his mum (suggesting the dynamics in that broken family are still complicated). And Taichi's mother trusting he'll be all right and joking about his animated Summer is kind of a gut-punch in retrospective.

It’s always nice to see tri. remembering that the kids’ families exist, so I wish they can make room for actual cameos eventually!

*

The conversation between Taichi and Meiko, and its aftermath, is in many ways one of the most interesting moments in this movie. In it, Taichi and Meiko’s dilemmas in the face of what’s going on are explored, setting things up for later.

When Taichi overhears Meiko admitting she's not okay, expressing her love for Meicoomon, and pretty much questioning all that talk about "hope" the other kids have been feeding her, it has an impact on him. There’s some flirting  kind words between them, while the Digimon spy on them from afar (I half-expected them to start singing Kiss the Girl).

Now, any shipping considerations aside, it's clear there's a mutual respect and empathy between these two. (See my previous comment on Taichi/Meiko). Taichi tries to comfort Meiko once again, by sharing his own doubts about growing up and how he trusts his natural connection with Agumon. It’s an interesting moment when Taichi opens up and is willing to show vulnerability. 

However, Meiko contrasts his arguments with Mystery Mans's words. She still blames herself for Meicoomon going bad. 

At this point, Taichi snaps at her. Is he getting impatient, after hearing her repeat the same doubts, when everyone keeps telling her her the same old stuff about partners and hope? Regretting his bluntness, Taichi walks away, but tells her she's wrong.

Still, you have to wonder if he’s wrong. Is it Taichi (and the Chosen Children) who can't put themselves on Meiko's place and relate to her unimaginable situation? Meiko sure envies them, the bonds they have with their partners, and their absolute certainties. As far as comfort goes, Agumon's simple advice about partners loving each other (from the Digimon's perspective) is more effective and it allows her to finally break down.

*

We get Taichi's side as well. It seems he's starting to see things from a different perspective. He recalls Hikari’s words earlier, about people being unable to understand what doesn’t happen around them.  

Taichi’s inability to relate to Meiko’s situation – that is, not understanding why she simply won’t believe – is frustrating for Taichi, but it also forces him to question his own approach. This reflects the overall conflict in his story: He wishes he could go back to being a carefree child, but it’s too late; he’s already grown up. Now, he can’t not worry -- he can’t help being introspective and reflecting on things instead of jumping blindingly into the fight. His identity is changing, and the way he responds to problems is, too. Old Taichi may have ignored Meiko’s words, but this Taichi listens.

*

Next morning, Meicoomon shows up again. Despite her previous failure, Meiko has listened to her friends’s advice. Once again, she tries to reach out to her partner, to understand why she’s acting this way. In an attempt to share Meicoomon's burden, Meiko asks her to direct these feelings towards herself, for not being a worthy partner.

However, Meiko then tries a different strategy. For the first time, she tells Meicoomon the suspicion she’s been harbouring throughout this episode – the possibility that the partner bond between them is gone.

The other kids decide to follow through with their plan and try and stop Meicoomon again, despite the risk that the digimon may become infected again. 

Meiko senses that Meicoomon is scared - just like she was back in Tottori and in the lab. Daigo points out that fear seems to increase Meicoomon’s powers.

Then Jesmon (who’s on Homeostasis’ side) shows up, presumably to execute Meicoomon. In response, Meicoomon turns into a new form: Raguelmon, a Fallen Angel Digimon. 

Mystery Man, who is back in Digimon Kaiser cosplay (could it be that he needs to use this form in the Real World?) is ecstatic with this development, because everything is going according to Keikaku.

Not only is Homeostasis trying to destroy Meicoomon, but Meicoomon’s powers are increasing to the point when Meicoomon's very existence is destroying the human world.

Slowly the Chosen Children are starting to realise what’s happening: Homeostasis isn’t kidding around, and it’s determined to eliminate Meicoomon, without them. 

So the truth soon becomes apparent. This isn't just “Ygdrasil's will” - this is Homeostasis working against them!

Taichi’s words express their surprise at this revelation. Until now, they’ve always faced a more clear division between “enemies” and “allies”. They always found themselves playing in Homeostasis’s team. But now, not only has (the man they think is) Gennai gone evil, but Homeostasis is trying to kill their friend and is willing to push them aside, regardless of what they want. The Reboot, let’s not forget, was suggested by Homeostasis.

The situation is a bit too complex in comparison to what they’re used to, and this drives the kids crazy. But this is the point where the Chosen Children’s childlike naïveté becomes a problem. They were wrong to assume that just Homeostasis helped them before, it’s always on their side. Above all, they were wrong to assume Homeostasis cares about bonds and friendship as much as they do. The very reason why they’re fighting is about to be challenged.

[serenagaywaterford]

6) a flip of the dime. The nasty parts were always there, but he concealed/controlled them. Maybe bc said parts wouldn't exactly make him endearing to others? Anyhow, your interpretation makes him quite the interesting antagonist/villain, so I'm rolling with it, lol. /// There was another thing that was bugging me about S2: the baby's name. Obviously, Serena chose Nic(h)ole as a "fuck you" to Fred. But June in the finale? Of course, she stuck to it for Nick's sake, but also bc she recognized

7) Serena’s selfless (well, if you can call it that) act. Thoughts on this? /// As for your older responses, I forgot to describe what an epiphany it was for me to realize the significance of Serena’s use of the word “rape” for the first time. The anger I felt after 2x10 blinded me to the VERY OBVIOUS connection between her realization in 2x10 and her outburst in 2x11. (Silly me!) Imagine how much more intense that fight would have been if they included the marital rape. I remember a writer

8) that June didn’t kill Serena, bc she actually felt sorry for her in that episode. (Ngl, June’s kindness baffles me at times.) I knew that she wasn’t gonna do it of course, but it was 50/50 whether I wanted her to shoot them or not. /// Something I have not addressed so far is how lukewarm I found their explanation for June getting away with all the shit she does. Well, she’s no Janine (who loses an eye) or Emily (who gets mutilated), but still. Like you said, Serena and Fred might get away

9) get away with a lot more bc of their privilege, but June? Hm. // I’ll start quoting later (or maaaybe tomorrow).

———–

I always thought that was a really weird sort of thing for June to do. And it seems to be entirely because of Serena? Like, it was Holly, Holly, Holly. Even when she was talking to Nick. Then she has the exchange with Serena, and suddenly she adopts Serena’s supreme dickmove of a babyname? 

And I LIKED Holly. It meant something. Nichole (I HATE THAT SPELLING SFM LMAO) means nothing to June? Can you imagine the convo: 

“Mommy, why am I called Nichole?”

“Well, baby, you see, your Daddy’s name is Nick, so the lady that stole you decided to name you after him to eternally piss off her husband who she clearly hates and wanted him to be reminded that he’s impotent every time he looks at you.”

Like, on the one hand, Serena is fucking brilliant and it just shows the extent of her hatred for Fred. But then it’s kinda shitty to use a child as a pawn in that.

Then again, maybe there’s another reason Serena chose that name? I know there’s like a whole history about St. Nicholas and his role as a patron saint of childless couples, or something. (I can’t recall exactly rn). And there was something about St. Nicolette and babies. (Which is where the names Nicole and Collette come from.) Something like she raised a dead baby back to life. So, I guess, at a stretch perhaps that was her inspiration? I doubt it, knowing Serena. LOL.

It’s really curious June’s decision though. Despite EVERYTHING Serena’s done, June just wipes it clean and names her fucking baby after Serena’s choice? Maybe she was trying to retain the memory of Nick for Nichole? I dunno. And not only that, but she seemed 100% genuine when she said that farewell blessing and held Serena’s hand (again). 

I dunno, June’s own preoccupation with Serena is something I don’t truly understand but she clearly thinks there’s some odd connection or something. It’s funny cos I was reading a review about S2 and June’s choices in the finale, and her constant support of Serena despite ALL the reasons not to, and lemme see if I can find it… 

 Nah. I can’t. Anyway, it was something about how we all know June’s going back for Hannah, but this writer thought June was also going back for Serena.

I’m not convinced about that tbh, but I can see the argument cos June is strangely protective and compassionate towards Serena considering. I just have a sinking feeling that the show is gonna play that “Oops, Serena is evil again!! SHE WAY MAD JUNE GIVE BABBY AWAY trolololol!!!!” and make her despicable in order to get Nicole back. If that is the case, I’m gonna roll my eyes right outta my head. I have no issue with Serena having regrets, tbh. I think that’s pretty understandable and expected. But having Serena go hogwild with abuse and using Fred’s power to get back at June or something is just going to fucking piss me off cos like, c’mon my dudes, been there, done that. Over and over already. It’s the 3rd season and either you’re gonna put this bitch on a mild redemption arc or you’re gonna make her a full-on villain. Make up your minds. The will-she, won’t-she thing is old by now.

I dunno that was a random OT rant.

Also, TRUTH! Serena’s use of the word “rape” was important. Like, part of me is like DUH how did you JUST figure that out?! And, honestly I feel like the marital rape is sort of necessary for Serena’s epiphany to get recognised. I think, Serena is just wilfully ignorant enough to not truly consider the Ceremony rape. I honestly do not think she totally understood what she was suggesting with the 2x10 rape. (Serena really does lack forethought for like…all of her actions. That’s sorta her whole problem.) I think she thought it would be just like a sort of unsanctioned ceremony. But by the end she did seem to recognise what it truly was. And having her raped by Fred in the previous episode would have really helped with that. (Then again, it’s really hard to understand how a woman who was just raped turns around and basically suggests it. And this person is supposed to be not Satan. A pure evil woman sure. But Serena’s not meant to be that.)

I think Yvonne’s delivery of the line was interesting too. Part of it was like, “HOly shit it was rape” and part of it was like, “ha! you’re a monster!! you did that!” Like she had no culpability in it. I want to know if Serena has realised that ALL ceremonies are RAPE yet. I wonder if she’s got there. I’m not totally convinced she has. But… I dunno.

Oh! I hadn’t read that about June’s reasoning! That’s interesting. I mean, it fits with June overall but it’s a very odd thing. Like, to be holding a gun trained on the couple that literally held you down and raped you not 24 hours earlier… and feel SORRY for the woman (whereas the general population’s consensus is that Serena is even worse than Fred for doing that to another woman)? I went and watched it after reading your message I didn’t really see that on June’s face. (But that’s really neither here nor there since editing, directing, etc. all differs from what the writers/showrunners had in mind and those are the guys doing the interviews!)  I take that back! I watched it again and I can deffo see that if that’s what they were going for. Totally missed it and likely wouldn’t have picked up on it if not for this convo.

That said, I totally see June reasoning it out that way. For some strange reason, whether it’s Stockholm Syndrome or whatever, June seems to have a blindspot/softspot for Serena and she seems to have unlimited Get Out Of Jail Free cards for her. Like, c’mon, she literally held her down to be brutally raped, and at this point it seems like Serena could murder June and June’s ghost would just be like, “Hey youuuuu, wanna be my bestie in overthrowing the patriarchy?” (Okay, I’m not at all complaining cos I love their dynamic and I ship them soooooo… lol. On a personal level, it works very well for me and my crackshippy fantasies. I choose to believe June honestly sees something nobody else does and believes in Serena’s capacity for redemption–WHICH IS INSANE. But hey. I love it.)

So, for June to feel sorry for Serena, even after everything really does fit when you think about it. And also when you think about book!June’s attitude towards true power being in forgiveness.

I remember sitting around watching the ep the first time and thinking “I don’t want June to shoot them and be a killer” but also, “WHY ISN’T SHE SHOOTING THE FUCKING PLACE UP! DOES SHE NOT WANT TO ESCAPE????” And I was sitting there with the wifey and she was like, “She can’t. What if she misses? Then you’ve got 2 incredibly angry people chasing you.” And I was like… “Uh. Reload? Shoot them as they’re coming up the stairs.”

Because I have never fired a gun in my life so to me it seems really easy lmao. But to me, I didn’t even care about her shooting Serena but I did have an inkling she didn’t want to shoot Serena with the amount she paused. That would have been a perfect shot with teh type of ammo to take out –or at least injure– two people at once. I was like, “You gotta kill Fred and Serena is pretty useless then. It’s not like they have mobile phones! You can then choose to leave Serena to die there lol, or hostage her. And steal the car. You could get pretty far since nobody knows that Fred/Serena are even there.” To me, rationally, it didnt’ make sense not to shoot them. But… emotionally, obvs, I knew she wouldn’t cos a)the series would like… end rather abruptly lol, and b) that’s just not June.

AND yeah, June getting away with all her bullshit is insane in comparison. Janine literally lost an eye for backtalking once at the Red Centre! June has, well, done so much more and just kind skates away from ALL serious punishment. (Well, living with Fred and Serena is a pretty awful punishment in general.) And, sure part of it was cos she was preggers but … how Aunt Lydia/Fred/Serena/TPTB trust this crazy Handmaid not to KEEP breaking the rules is insane. I feel like nobody would trust her to just be a docile little thing after running away for 92 days. Not even Pervy Freddo. Despite all his creeptastic fetishes, he’d be like, “OMG she is way too high maintenance. i just don’t have the patience. give me that baby so i can shut my annoying wife up and then get me another more docile babyslave to play Scrabble and shave!” The plot armour is strong in this one!

Anyway! I got a bit carried away there…