#all the tears in my body
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#hey this is just a vent don't mind me. or do if you're nosy i won't judge#this is stupid because my relationship with grief makes no sense and it's truly just been a source of alienation with everybody in my life#because i fundamentally dont feel grief. i've had family and classmates die and not feel much of anything just faking it#since otherwise i get punished#but theres this one guy literally just a creator who died and evrytime ive seen a reminder or tribute for years it makes me cry a#all the tears in my body#i'm not even feeling much of anything i'm just crying and cryng and crying#which funnily enough is also super rare for me given that it happens maybe like 3-4 times a year?#idk#it's fucking weird man.#i'd say i have a tight leash on the parasocial shit but idk. the fact he's my age and both had stuff that i recognised in myself and just w#s someone i could see myself be friends with#i think those parts shattered me a bit#idk man#i have homework to do#do you guys know how many stupid different databases there are? i hate being new at a masters level nobody told me how to use that shit#ent talks
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imagine if after the transmigration shen qingqiu became a combination of shen yuan and shen jiu, not in a "second person living in my head" kind of way, but a "this house is haunted and carries the echoes of the dead" kind of way; imagine shen yuan having nightmares about a house, a fire, a faceless boy behind a door he can't remember; imagine him having flashes of emotions he doesn't understand, rage at a name he doesn't recognize, helplessness when yue qingyuan apologizes for something he won't mention, nausea when ning yingying says the name "a-luo"; imagine parts of his own self have changed too, how he now likes bows in his hair, pretty flowers and flowing robes, but can no longer stand a stranger's touch, a man's touch, yet he longs for the brothels, but never sexually, only fondly, like there's something there he misses. there are many empty spaces in his heart where he feels something is missing
#imagine if one day shen qingqiu wakes up and he no longer knows which one he is#imagine the guilt too. for not just taking a body but their self too. their memories and wants and needs and feelings#maybe it differs per day#sometimes he is more shen jiu. snappy and defensive and aloof#sometimes hes more shen yuan. silly and bumbling and trying so hard#and maybe. maybe. if you want to tear your heart a little more:#most disiciples and peak lords sit out the days where parts of shen jiu surface waiting for shen yuan to come back#theres a metaphor about the ship of theseus in here somewhere. its on the tip of my tongue#something something replacing all the parts one by one. is it still the same ship or has it become something new?#svsss#scum villian’s self saving system#shen jiu#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#scum villain#mxtx svsss#mxtx#luo binghe#bingqiu#svsss thoughts#yue qingyuan
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stuff i drew this year that i really liked!
#my art#everything everywhere all at once#the legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#one piece#one piece bewitched me body and soul#character ensemble art....... 2022 me lowkey could never
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What's killing me is how Esteban has stayed so dead silent about the issues he and Pierre had in the past and was clearly the one working harder to 'move on and forget' than Pierre was, but even he couldn't fool himself in the end.
He ended up being the one to yank Pierre close and pull him in for the hug. He opened his arms up to Pierre two more times after that. And during that interview where they call Pierre over to him, he opens his arm again and warmly invites Pierre into his hold. When they clasped hands on the podium, he took Pierre's hand into BOTH of his and held it tight.
He was always so closed and so guarded about anything regarding Pierre, but yesterday? His arms and his heart were wide open and ready to accept Pierre in any form or fashion. He initiated most of it. And that really was profound for me!!
#pierresteban#pierre gasly#esteban ocon#im so annoying about this i'm sorry#but something about esteban keeping his doors closed and locked and bolted#just to tear through them all and open it up wide and proud for pierre yesterday#something about that just gets me in my chest#everything about his body language was 'open'#i hope he's keeping that door open fr fr
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My dream is to get a BIG hug from this BIG man even though I know it would break my ribs due to his strength😫🥹
#kimetsu no yaiba#demon slayer fandom#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba fandom#kimetsu no yaiba icons#kimetsu no yaiba anime#gyomei himejima#kny gyomei#demon slayer gyomei#He look so cute behind the tree#Bro I bet only one of his hands is the size of my all body#Im short btw so...#No but he's look so husband material fr#I want to hug him now#Even if it breaks my ribs in the process#I could wipe his tears all day😭😭#Gyomei one chance bb😭☝️
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idk pain at 1 am. being rebuilt from the corpses of your clan really takes your distinguishing features from you
#there's not a single main feature that remains from her original body#my art#anihita europa#tarnished oc#now she looks eerily like her mother and a few of her aunts. mostly her mother#probs bc her mother started tearing herself apart in grief and rage putting ani back together#the eyes were the last thing she installed. she couldn't find any among her clan#the hornsent gouged them all out and made them wore blinds. her own eyes were the only left.#the only feature she misses is the brown eyes. she liked that they bore the color of a loamy mulchy earth#especially bc everyone else in her clan had silver/blue eyes#she got her brown eyes from her non numen father
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The One Fact Pact
I want to see a fic where the chain is rigorously keeping their secrets and stories hidden, but they've all learned to trust one another. Like, it's past time they should probably be sharing things because it's beginning to get annoying, they all agree, but it's sorta become a habit by now? They kept those secrets and now no one really wants to share first?
So, to keep things interesting and get some momentum going, they make a deal.
Whenever they come across something that reminds them of their travels, their quest - be it an item, a familiar name, a location - they've got to share ONE fact or story about it.
But only! When they're in other people's time, because otherwise it'll just be a staged tour and one person infodumping and that's exactly what they're trying to avoid (and it won't be a fun competition they can make bets about).
And then either they go through worlds slowly building trust and understanding of each other through a long drawn out and incidental series of tidbits....
Or they immediately get stuck in wild's hyrule for ages.
Everyone's arguing over who the latest ruin belongs to. Time and wind are getting into an argument about the kokiri. No one can agree on the zonai. Wars is taking immense pleasure in pointing out anything someone else might have missed. Legend is resolutely ignoring eventide. Twilight claims the entire faron woods until they step into the hot and humid jungle for the first time.
Wild thinks he's immune because it's his world so he legally can't answer questions, but everywhere they visit there's a piece of his own story in the rubble or on the wind.
Wild: *happily making tea and checking his slate with the other hand* okay, looks like tomorrow we can reach the breach of demise and to new serenne stable. Just past that- Sky: *choking on his drink* the what?? Wild: the breach? Sky, weakly: Why's it uh, called that? Wild: oh, it's an old story. Apparently eons ago it's where a demon godking came up from underground to the surface world... *suspiciously* Why? Sky: gimme the slate. *squinting at the shape on the map*... I can neither confirm nor deny. Wild:... What do you mean? Sky, remembering the One Fact Pact: I can neither confirm nor deny. What's important is that I killed him. The entire chain, variously: YOU KILLED A DEMON GOD?!!? Sky *recalling the hardest fight of his life*: what, like it's hard?
And then he just refuses to elaborate.
#They say '1 fact' as a minimum but quickly realise they're all petty enough to use it as the max too#So they all pick the craziest or most unhinged stories and refuse to give context because 'we said 1 fact! It's 1 fact!!'#linked universe#loz link#loz lu#lu chain#botw#botw totk#tears of the kingdom#tloz#breath of the wild#the legend of zelda#loz botw#totk#loz totk#loz#There's literally no end to the stupid stories they could tell#Wild greets a guy called Ralph and legend goes 'reminds me of a kid who tried to kill his possessed ancestor queen in the past and#Nearly wiped his own existence off the planet in the present. He was a good kid. Almost a shame their monarchy got deposed.'#Time seeing a zora performer: one time I had to gaslight a grieving widow with her fiancé's body and my newfound guitar skills.#What could have been difficult heart to hearts around campfires becomes outrageous tidbits at random times#They're all competing for the most ridiculous and unbelievable stories#Even funnier when things unexpectedly align. Like wind tries the cannon thing and instantly gets shut down by twilight and sky#legend of zelda
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In a Week by Hozier ft. Karen Cowley
“The raven is death, obviously. When I die, I want a good tombstone—something right spooky. LT’s got something against the underground, though you’d think that would be just his kind of place. That’s alright. He needs to, he can cremate me. It’s not exactly Catholic, and Mam would turn in her grave, but God is a unicorn and no one is pure anymore, so. What’s all that got to do with me?”
Johnny “Soap” McTavish has a journal. Had. It is his no longer.
Simon “Ghost” Riley had dreams—awful ones, the kind that sank claws into his lungs, dragged him into sleep, and then sent him careening out of it. He still has dreams, but they’re different, now. Better. Johnny’s pages have folded themselves under his eyes and gotten into his head, brighter and more infectious than anything else has ever been. It’s more than the past, that rotting carcass behind him, and more than now. Now is nothing. Now is ash. It’s like, it’s like—blinding, is what it is. He’s a blind man.
It is biblical now. Ghost has read it backward and forward and sideways and inside out. When he runs out of things to read, he reads them again, and when that is not enough, he reads between the lines.
#ghostsoap#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#soapghost#soap x ghost#ghoap#call of duty#cod mw3#my art#ghost is obsessed with soaps journal bc it breaks his heart at first like really tears it apart but soon focuses on what soap has written#about him. words of admiration and envy and love and fondness. real fondness. jokes made for him thoughts about him musings etc.#and johnnys snippets about his family and how he wants to settle down eventually#then all simon can think about is what life they could’ve lived together after the ‘war’#nevermind that there will always be war be death be blood and love is there and it matters but it changes nothing#for simon there will always be johnny#who even knows if thats what soap wanted if he loved him back if ghost even remembers him as he was instead of what he wishes he could have#become to ghost if things had gone as they should. who knows. the dead dont sing dont speak. all thats left is what they wrote#the cigarettes refer to soaps smoking habit and how ghost disapproves like a nagging wife. the ash smudges and burns in the paper allude to#ghost deciding to have soap cremated as a spouse decides post mortem due to his own aversion to being underground bc he doesn’t want soap#to be nothing but a decomposing body. he couldn’t bear that. he couldn’t bury him alive or dead so burning it is
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What the fuck.
#okay. okay just. first of all: I was wondering when the flashbacks of spike as a baby were coming back#fucking. insane way to drop that back in.#second of all. what the fuck#he killed shockwave while having that vision. he wasn't aware he was doing it at all#in the vision. were the tendrils and claws seeping in as something he had to kill to protect the baby?#did he kill shockwave because he was so terrified for the safety of the child?#did optimus's anger towards shockwave manifest into the vision of what shockwave could've done to earth. what he WOULD'VE done#when he pressed his fingers into shockwave's eye did he 'see' himself tearing away the cables and binds?#or is this him infecting the baby with his own violence? his fingers turning into sharp claws and his anger wrapping binding the baby to him#god just. there's so many ways to view this but. what the fuck. what the fuck#transformers#transformers skybound#transformers 2023#transformers spoilers#optimus prime#cw body horror#YEP THAT'S GETTING A TAG BECAUSE. FUCKING DAMN#my post
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now we get to add to kou's side of the mitsukou death tally...
#im so#i KNEWWWW something was wrong with him but oh my GOD#tears in my eyes#terus reaction...#the way akane immediately knew they had to go back after this happened#is kou's BODY in the well???? thats horrific#is mitsubas there to...#“i gotta go i can't leave him all alone” IM IN SHAMBLESSSS#tbhk#tbhk manga spoilers#tbhk spoilers#tbhk 120#tbhk ch 120#jshk#jshk spoilers#kou minamoto#mitsukou
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A very self indulgent tatted and pierced up Ichimatsu thas it
#mr. osomatsu#ichimatsu#ichimatsu matsuno#ososan#osomatsu san#matsuno ichimatsu#my art#suggestive#piercings#tattoos#todomatsu#he's there verbally and spiritually but not emotionally cuz he's tired of ichimatsu's bs#he spends all his money on cat treats -- tattoos--and peircings#the tatts on his body cost a lot more than totty's phone and it pisses totty off lol#ichi: ''yknow monetarily my body is worth more than everyone here.''#totty: ''and yet you look the cheapest why is that? hmm? 💅''#ichi: ''bitter because you desperately want a tattoo but don't have the balls to commit to one huh?''#totty: *holding back tears* "f-fuk you.''#totty caves and finally gets a small tattoo on his thigh#he cries while ichimatsu holds his hands through all of it#ichi's so proud of his baby bro can't even tease him cuz he knows totty is being so brave about it#but also ichimatsu is an even bigger bitch when getting his tatts and literally passes out#every single time because needles man. But totty don't need to know that lol#choro: ''you can get a needle inserted in you for hours at a time but can't sit through one 1 min vaccination??''#ichi: ''it's not the same fappy. I get a cool forever art piece with a tatt. What do i get with a vaccination??''#choro: ''the avoidance of death and illness.''#ichi: ''exactly why prolong my existence here?''#choro: ''we really need to get you a therapist.''#a e i o queue#made and tagged this months ago and forgot i never posted it
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BODY // GRAVE
#horror#body horror#gore#body dysphoria#grass draws#living in this kind of existence is the original horror#if I’m being real#i hope that I can stop feeling as though I need to tear through my skin one day.#I want to be born in a world that doesn’t try to step on your throat all the time and I want to be born into a world that#affords you grace. affords you patience and time.#the total loss of identity in the struggle to find it and I think sometimes that one day I’ll wake up and thinnk ‘I can’t go on’#but most days it feels like I don’t know how to do anything else#except persist meaninglessly#happy pride 🌈#LMAO
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not to be myself on main but im still here
#snap chats#sorry not sorry im still obsessed with how big he is. this is peak mags body to me just huge as fuck and solid like a freight train#i hate that charas follow where you're looking because now i feel especially filthy like STOP. i AM looking at your ass i dont wanna hear i#this is why i cant stream me playing 90% of the time i will Not So Subtly just be checking out the modeling of his ass#it aint even a perverse thing im just genuinely mesmerized by the shape and the definition ..... the sculpt ...#i am a very tactile person i love texture and feeling grooves and all that so OF COURSE im gonna be here Forever#yeah they'll never tear this skin away from me. i need to grab him#there is no bounce his ass isnt even big it is hard as steel but idc. let me grab#'snap youve lost the plot' i fear i never had it to begin with the release of this game just made me worse#my favorite thing mags does sometimes is he'll like. raise his leg like some kinda fuckin horse while flourishing his magnetism#for what reason did yall have him do that. im obsessed I Repeat he's like a giant horse to me#ok im gonna stare at him for another half hour like some sicko bye#maybe ill play the game again later but i wanna work on stuff first
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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I promise you body positivity can exist outside of bringing down the other end of the spectrum of the body you're praising. You are, in fact, capable of saying you enjoy ass without calling no ass ugly. I promise you it's possible to enjoy hairy bodies without absolutely shitting on hairless ones. You can call someone's straight, black hair pretty without shitting on curls and dye in the same sentence. Heal 🤍🗣
#rambles#im not enjoying how often i see disgust towards body types that#the majority of my disabled friends have#we dont need new body standards we need to tear ALL those standards down#like congrats now youre creating body image issues for a new crowd of people.#youve completely nulled the confidence you were trying to give by#shitting on the existence of the other side of the spectrum
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Struck by lightning / Sprouting evil
idk if i'll ever finish/paint this but i think it looks cool as it is....
#my art#the thought proccess behind this was like> well first of all i think andrey stamatin deserves to get hit by lightning 1000000000 times(^^^)#but second of all i was thinking of like... the polyhedron. and the polyhedron as like. solid or 'materialized' or 'captured' light[ning?]#and also the polyhedron as a rose [like it's sometimes described] or a plant of some kind [gone bad??]#and like... a plant/rose that tears the earth from below/inside... lightning which tears[?] the earth [or any body] from outside/above....?#and litchenberg figures which look so much like roots... etc. i was thinking about it#so this is supposed to be a polyhedronless polyhedron image..... in my mind#idrk what peter is doing here. or even andrey for that matter#other than..well. i think they're demons and i want them to get hit by lightning#pathologic#andrey stamatin#peter stamatin
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