#all of my online friends are somewhat doesn’t active????? i’ve been drawing since the evening and now my hand hurts

[07009]

someone pls talk to me

[whoistheasshole]

How do I get out of this unsatisfying life I’m living?

Anonymous asks: So the thing is that I feel incredibly stuck - I have all the basics of life which I'm grateful for but also that was my BIG dream as a kid, to get tf out of my parents' house - but now I have that and idk what to do for the rest of my life. Like, if I try those "visualize your future" things I'm just like, "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer" & it feels like I don't really WANT anything so I can't plan, you know? Just flailing here honestly. Pretty tired of it.

I wrote back: I got your question. To pinpoint my answer a little better, can you tell me about your current situation, like how long has it been since you moved out? Which are the things you have in order to your satisfaction? Some vague idea of your age range would also be helpful, but I can work without it too if you’d rather not share.

Anonymous answered: Ah, sorry. I was trying to fit in the character limit & also whenever I think about this my mind just goes flbbbbth. It's been about 5 years? That's about the only thing I'm truly HAPPY about, I'm not thrilled with my social/love life, career, etc & have pretty much been just coasting tbh. I'm almost 30. Thanks for entertaining this.

Alright, thanks for adding some background. I will come at this from different angles and you can pretty much pick and choose what sounds helpful and leave the rest, okay?

First, while there are people who have it all figured out, methodically planning their next career step or fully certain that there is no greater joy than raising a child, there are tons of other people who just, to quote, go „ flbbbbth“ when asked about their next steps or, god forbid, their life plan. I would say I fall in the latter camp, but I don’t mind because I think there is nothing wrong with that. I let myself be guided by the things I need to be happy (more on that later) and by current necessities – if my job becomes shit, I need to find a new job. If a friendship goes sour, I need to end it respectfully. But I couldn’t tell you specific career or personal goals, except...

... let’s talk about the „later“ now.

I’m an organizer, maybe even a worrier, and therefore I like lists. And for that reason I made a list a while ago that I still have and expect to keep for a long time. It is a list of everything that I need to be satisfied with my life. It consists of 29 entries and has three of them checked, though several others could be counted as half-checked. I wrote down everything that came to mind, paying no attention whether it was reasonable or feasible to want. That wasn’t the question.

It covers stuff like a clean flat (not checked), restful sleep (not checked), friends that I see regularly (checked) or a job with purpose (not checked). This list is my guide. Well, generally my needs are my guide, but it can be hard to be aware of your needs sometimes, so I got this list. And if I wonder what I need or want to focus on, I can turn to it and choose one of the entries and see what I can do about it. I can also look over the list every few years and see if things have developed in the right direction. Little progress is no reason to chastise myself, but helpful information to see whether I need to re-direct my focus.

Please note that I wrote „satisfied“, not „happy“. Being happy is a passing emotional state. It is completely normal and okay not to be happy all the time. But quiet satisfaction with where you are or where you are going, that is pretty achievable. It certainly is a process, but an enjoyable one.

This list is not a race and it is not really a to-do list because most of the things I wrote down aren’t easy to accomplish with a single action. They take months and years and, for some items, I can only try and hope it works out some day (see anybody who ever purposely looked for a partner).

So maybe this kind of list could be an exercise for you. Maybe it provides you with some insight, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s not the right point in your life. But if you sit down and the only thing you can come up with is „cry forever“ or „sleep forever“ then, you know, that’s a sign.

Which brings me to my next point: Journaling or automatic writing. This method is especially helpful for those „I feel some kind of way and I couldn’t even tell you how“ moments – so maybe exactly where you are right now. Captain Akward has introduced me to a website called „750 words“ and I’ve used the principle of „morning pages“, though not the website, since then whenever I felt like some emotions were starting to boil over.

I sit down, ideally in the morning, and just barf it all on the (digital) page. There are only two rules: 1) Don’t edit or judge yourself, write everything as it comes to mind (that’s the automatic writing part) and 2) Don’t stop before you’ve reached 750 words. You are not looking to write anything readable or clever or lyrical, you’re looking to get all the weirdness out so you can move on. Repeat this as many days as you feel queasy or weird or confused or angry or sad. Each day, as soon as you’ve reached the 750 words, you can walk away. Heck, you could even delete/burn the document if that feels right. It’s just about giving your thoughts the room they need so you can continue with your day, hopefully feeling somewhat relieved.

While we’re at writing, I also have a question for you: Where is the pressure coming from to „do something with your life“? Is it truly coming from inside you or are there outside factors? Are people in your life asking you when you’ll have kids? Do you live in a culture where it’s expected that everybody does something of note, works certain prestigious jobs? Do you compare yourself to the people around you and feel like you’re „late“?

Maybe mull this over on a leisurely walk or write about it, using the method above. No matter where it’s coming from, the feeling of pressure won’t go away just by knowing its origin, but the knowledge can help you keep it under control. And if you find it is truly your own wish, you will have tools to shape your life according to your needs.

So, next, sleep: Maybe do that?

You wrote "I'd like to sleep for a month, maybe longer". I understand this was half a joke, but also … it was probably more than a joke.

How are your energy levels? How does life feel? Are you trying to jog through jello most of these days?

If we’ve been overachievers or had a tough home life or needed to take care of ourselves pretty early, we can become accustomed to everything being difficult. This feeling and behavior can become a way of life, even when circumstances change and we have a chance to act differently.

Do you feel rested? Do you have regular moments of quiet in your life that let you breathe? If not, this is where I would start. Forget about lists, though morning pages might be a helpful accompanying tool (if they don’t become a task to punish yourself with if you don’t find the energy).

Take some weeks or months, maybe even a year to make rest your priority. You will have to find a way that works for you. Yes there is a lot of clinically proven stuff out there, but you will not see me do yoga or meditate. Though feel free if that’s up your alley. If you love cycling or taking photos or drawing or just plain lying on your bed and staring at the wall, see where you can add more of that to your day. Whatever brings you closer to yourself and makes you feel like you can exhale and stand still for a moment, that’s the way to go. Do this as long as sleeping seems like a fine choice. And for good measure maybe a month longer. You are ready to stop when you cannot wait to do something else goddamnit I’m bored!!! (you might say)

If you are in this picture, please start here. Any kind of life plan, next steps, strategizing, solving of riddles would set you back and perpetuate your exhaustion. Rest is not time wasted, rest is how you get your life back.

If you are in this picture, you will likely find that if you really pull through, if you truly rest, as long and boring or even scary as it may be, the other questions will probably have an intuitive answer afterwards. Not like „this is my 20-year career plan“, but „I feel like doing x this week“. And that is enough. Because you won’t need to strain to hear your needs through the fog of exhaustion anymore.

Finally, some practical information and links for when you do have the energy and inclination to tackle your job and social life. I am not saying you need to change anything if that’s not what you want to focus on. These are just some tips, in case they become relevant.

For your social life, I recommend what others have recommended before me: Pick an activity that you do with other people and stick with it long enough to become a familiar face, see also here and here (yes, meeting gay people is similar to meeting other people). If you try out new stuff, go there at least 5 or 6 times before you decide it’s not for you – of course assuming nothing bad is coming up like racist or abusive people in the group. Shop around if the first group/activity doesn’t work for you until you find something that you’d like to do permanently. Maybe you’ll gain some friends, maybe you’ll find a romantic opportunity. In any case, if it’s something fun that you like to do anyway, you will have found an outlet with a social group attached. It is absolutely not as easy right now, with Covid and all, but if nothing outdoors-y comes to mind, you could also use this time to brainstorm what sounds like fun for when things are safer again.

Of course you can also look at opportunities online, like Discord servers, online interest groups etc but I do understand if that’s just not appealing right now. I am certainly over sitting in front of a screen.

To round this up, don’t sneeze at contacts that you already have. Are there acquaintances, friends of friends, colleagues, family members who you would like to get to know better? Then go do that! Suggest a time and place to meet up and see how they react. Say yes to the potential friends.

Speaking of which...

The Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes might also be interesting. Sure, it’s a little pop culture positive thinking kinda stuff, but I did like the impulse it gave me to consider when I say no to opportunities out of anxiety or worry. It made me accept some social invitations from colleagues (… in the before times) that I would not have otherwise considered. I did not gain life-long friends, but I did learn another valuable info: That my FOMO wasn’t justified for these events ;)

It also lead me to the decision to do one new thing every month – visit a new place or try a new activity or cook a new food. If the concept sounds appealing, just think about what sounds interesting and achievable to you.

And finally, the advice blog recommendations that I’ll always have. For social life, love life, and general life planning turmoil: Captain Awkward. For everything job-related, including how to write a good cover letter or interview well and, of course, how to get out of the dreaded current job you have: Ask A Manager.

To sum it up:

1) Figure out if you even have the energy to tackle any of this right now.

2) Figure out your pillars for a satisfying life – nothing big and shiny, just … basic needs, wishes, social needs.

3) When you feel like it, pick what you want to tackle next and see where it leads you.

4) Stay flexible. This is your life and it’s okay to go where it takes you, even if it doesn’t look „cool“ or „impressive“ from the outside. All you need is to make it your own.

And if you want to, let me know how it goes some time. :)

[earthbovndmisfit]

I hope this isn't too weird of a message to send, but doesn't it seem like Jonawagon doujinshi are pretty uncommon? I've only seen maybe 3 posted online & I have a copy of a SpeedJona doujin but aside from those I haven't come across any. Is it like a rare pairing or something? I thought they were fairly popular

It isn’t weird at all, anon! All the opposite actually, cause I love getting asks even if i'm not always around or it sometimes takes me a hot minute to get to them gfjhkjh

This is gonna be long and probs gonna have bits that might sound rant-ish to some, but I hope that’s alright! :'D

For starters, sadly, jonawagon/jonaspeed/speedjona or however you call the ship is quite an underrated ship. This has to do partly with the wrong perceptions some folks have built around it and around the characters as well (that them both and the couple itself are the epitome of "purity" and "innocence", sometimes even labelling them as "boring" as a result even though both characters are far from that, that "it could only be a one-sided thing" on Spw's end despite both showing and sharing a certain bond/closeness towards each other -closeness that sometimes Jonathan didn't show towards anyone else-, etc), partly because of the many timeskips in PB and all the scenes the anime cut out and people wrongly assuming that the main events happened in the span of a few days and thus people dropping the ball on the ship/characters when Jonathan and Speedwagon actually knew each other for as long -sometimes even longer- than other more popular characters/ships in jjba did, partly because neither Jonathan or Speedwagon are as popular as other characters in the franchise as a whole, and also partly because, as sad as it is to say this, the ship lacks a LOT of support, especially from it's own fanbase. While jonawagon is a popular and well liked ship overall (in the sense that even general fans who don't care much about shipping, or those who are still on the fence about mlm ships, or those who just don't actively ship jonawagon actually like and support the ship or the idea of it upon seeing the actual dynamics between the characters and their potential and the fact that the ship can actually coexist with jonaeri without altering the characters/making them ooc, nor altering the story and so on), it still lacks a lot of support from it's fans. I often see most other ships/characters get lots of reblogs and exposure from their fans on literally any and all platforms, helping those ships/characters reach new audiences and gaining more popularity and drawing interest from potential new fans, while jonawagon stuff as well as solo Jonathan or Speedwagon stuff usually only get likes and a few reblogs at most from their fans, which is nice and all, but it doesn't give the artists/writers any exposure nor get those works or the ship any farther than that and just keeps them within part of the already existing fanbase at best, which often times makes the artists/content creators lose interest in continuing to create stuff for the ship/characters. This is also why I always strongly ask -almost beg at this point ngl- for people to support the artists/writers/etc via reblogs!! The ship having a bunch of different names also might have an impact on all of this, as it's not always as 'easy' to tag/find contents if you don't know how to tag/search for it. Jonawagon (normally used in the western parts of the fandom), JonaSpeed/SpeedJona (Western version of the ship's most popular names in Japanese: ジョナスピ/スピジョナ or JonaSupi/SupiJona respectively], SpeedStar (a name that became a bit more popular more recently after a mini jonawagon event in 2019), being the most common ones afaik, asides from the standard JonathanxSpeedwagon/SpeedwagonxJonathan ie and others. In short, Jonathan and Speedwagon as well as jonawagon are quite well liked and even popular to an extent, but they lack a massive amount of support from the fans, which also usually translates into artists and content creators for this ship losing interest in continuing to create new material for it and thus end up not making any more contents.

In regards to doujinshi more specifically, I’m a bit disconnected when it comes to Jojo doujinshi in general, but it seems to be a bit like that for most of the non "crazy popular" Jojo ships if you ask me, which is kinda normal considering the massive amount of characters in the whole series. Putting my experience as example, if it helps, I used to collect doujinshi from one of my previous fandoms, which had a shit ton of them for plenty of it’s ships and it was somewhat easy to acquire hard copies of despite it being an “old anime” basically while most Jojo doujinshi (especially anything that is not parts 3, 4 and 5) seems to be a bit hard to come across regardless of the ship(s) in them, even in auction sites or places like pixiv that sell digital copies if the author puts them up on sale, which is understandable since the aforementioned parts are some of the most popular parts in Japan, where most doujinshi is created, and thus take most of the fandom's interest -authors’ and readers’ alike-, as well as the hype for parts like Phantom Blood being long dead (with it being dead/dormant since the original airing of the anime ended in 2013, and it coming back ocassionally whenever there's a 'special' re-airing of PB in Japan or when events such as the Joestar Radio take place), so maybe my parameters on the whole subject are somewhat disproportionate?

This is also gonna sound all boomer-like, but I’ve also noticed, or it seems to me at least (still in comparison to the doujinshi from my previous fandom), that doujinshi books as we knew them aren’t /as/ common nowadays as they used to be a while back. Even the works themselves don’t seem to be much that way either. For example, doujinshi anthologies used to be a big thing a while back and, while they still exist, they don’t seem to be too common anymore (these worked as "promo books" of sorts for all the artists featured and they also helped lesser known/popular artists and ships to get some exposure to newer audiences). Nowadays such thing still exists, and I actually recall seeing a Jonaspeed/Speedjona anthology being made “recently” (recently as in 2019, if I’m not mistaken? it was published and sold during the mini Jonaspeed event they held at a Jojo con in Japan that year), but they aren’t nearly as common as they used to be, since now most artists can post any samples they want (much more reduced tho, cause you normally get a few pages instead of a full mini story) in places like Twitter or Pixiv. And it’s kinda the same with regular doujinshi. Before, most doujinkas had to publish a book in order to get their stuff out and get some exposure, so they were always working on new stories and making new books to sell and promoing their stuff, sometimes one after the other and even creating multi-volume stories in some cases. Now, thanks to how "easy" it is to get some exposure on social media, it’s much more common to see doujinkas for any ships/characters making short stories (1-4 pages, sometimes more) or just 1 page illustrations instead and posting them on their social media every now and then as a promo for their works. They also still make and sell their books (a few jonawagon artists on twitter do, at least), and these short stories/illustrations serve to boost their works instead, which is not a complain at all cause I think it's amazing tbqh! But this also translates into less stories/doujinshi being created as many of these artists often opt for leaving those stories that years ago would have been their own book or a mini story in a book as a prompt or a short story only.

As for actual jonawagon doujinshi, while it is not as common as say pt 3 doujinshi, there is quite a bunch of it. Some date from 2012-2013 (when the PB anime was originally aired), some are much older than that and some others are much more recent (as there are still some active jonawagon doujinkas around). There are also "fanfic books" that are also considered doujinshi and that seem to be a thing sometimes, but these contain little to no art at all and are usually written 100% in Japanese. The problem here is that not many of them have been scanlated/translated yet, sometimes because they aren't easy to find on sale online, sometimes because re-sellers who do have them set high prices for them plus shipping costs, sometimes because the artists/online shops won't sell stuff overseas, sometimes because those who do own doujinshi copies don't always know how to properly share them (since scanning a doujinshi in high or decent quality without destroying the book can be hard af) among other reasons.

All that said, there is a bunch of jonawagon doujinshi that has been scanned and is available online! but it can be tricky to get sometimes due to the different names this ship can go by and because of the "translations" of said names into different languages (as some doujinshi can only be found in Chinese sites, or Russian ones, and so on for example, so it can take some serious time to figure that out and have a successful search).

In all honesty, anon, I'm a dumdum and I had never thought about doing so in a more public manner until now, since I've already shared my entire jonawagon collection (pics, doujins, etc) with friends who have requested it more privately, but I can upload the doujins I have scans of if anyone's interested?? (I’d post the links where I found most of them but since my hd is pretty much dead and I can’t access Windows or my windows/mozilla profile, I’ve p much lost all my old bookmarks). They were only like... 8 last time I checked (9/10 if you count the Japanese and English versions of the "Joestarsaaaaan" one), but it's something :D Just be aware that some of them are nsfw! and that a couple are either part of a book that has stories from other ships in them (I only have the jonawagon parts tho) or contain other ships implied or openly shown in the jonawagon story.

I also have about 4 more, but the scanlator of one of them openly requested for the file to not be reuploaded, so Idk if it'd be alright to share it? (and they also deactivated their blog, so there's no way to ask them for permission). The other 3 are scans a friend sent to me of their own doujinshi copies, so I also don't know if it would be okay for me to post them?? (i haven't seen this friend in over a year so idk gfhgjkjlkñ). 2 of those 3 are nsfw.

[gideongrace]

Talking amongst ourselves - fanfic writer interviews: @ihni

(Originally, these interviews were done more conversationally, but this interview is a LONG one! So I edited it down for tumblr. You can read the whole unedited, uncut interview over on a03! There are pictures involved. :)

Please say your first name, your age, your pronouns, the fandoms you write for and provide a link to your a03. You can also mention your sexual orientation or other details, if you'd like.

 Ihni:

My real name is Moa, but I go by Ihni online. On AO3, I have an account under Ihni (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihni) but that's for rhymes (and doodles). I only wrote rhymes/poetry for a long time, and when I started writing fic, I wanted to put that under another pen name. I was NOT comfortable writing stories for YEARS. Now, though, I don't care. So, I write fics under the pen name Thei (https://archiveofourown.org/users/thei/).

It's all Stranger Things, these days. Harringrove (because I love the fandom and I like the two of them interacting) and Billy-centric (because I love his character, SO MUCH).

I am ace and aro, so my fics tend to not contain any sex (I have ALLUDED to it a couple of times, but that's basically as far as I go). I am also just as happy to write fics without any romantic or sexual relationships at all. Billy and Steve can be buddies only, as far as I'm concerned.

How do you feel about being aroace when so much of fanfic is all about romance and sex?

Ihni:

I live by the tried and tested rule of "don't like, don't read". 

There is a lot of romance in our fandom, for sure. But it's not like it's lovey-dovey IN OUR FACE romance, you know? 97% of Harringrove fics are two dumb boys who are bad at communication and who can't deal with Feelings. And I fucking live for that! Also, even the lovey-dovey fluffy romance stuff is cute, when it's them. I may not want a relationship for myself, but I don't mind at all if the boys are in one! (If they want it, they deserve it <3)

And as for sex ... well. I can read about sex, if it's well written or if it furthers the plot. If it's too graphic, I tend to scroll past it though, or just skim through it. It doesn't... give me a lot? I guess. Like, it's not like I read "smut" in the tags and go "oooh I have to read this!" - rather the opposite, in fact. I can read it, but it's not something I actively look for, and when I stumble upon it, I don't always read all of it. If I know the writer, I'll probably read through it to honor their work, though.

I just won't ever leave a "omg that was so hot!" comment! XD If someone expects that from me, they'll be disappointed (and I'm constantly terrified of disappointing or offending people for NOT commenting on their smut).

Basically, I am the master of my own fandom experience, and if something makes me uncomfortable I will keep away from it. Simple as that.

More people should live by that rule.

What's your writing process like?

 Ihni:

Uuuuuuuugh.

That's an interpretation of my writing process.

No, but.

I usually get SUPER INSPIRED to write a specific scene, or concept... and THAT part goes well, but then I have to build a STORY around it, and that takes SUCH A LONG TIME and SO MUCH EFFORT!

And also, usually, it gets out of hand.

I usually have to force myself to get the words in, honestly. And also, I get real tired of what I'm writing, real fast. So I have to force myself to finish (I have a few WIPs that are more than a year in the making...) before moving on to other things. (And I usually write the other things inbetween, anyway.)

I get easily distracted, when I write. Like, actually sitting down and writing takes an hour and a half. Then I MIGHT write for like twenty minutes, lol.

Cold Turkey Writer was a godsend XD.

If I have internet on while I'm writing, not a lot will be written, let's just ... let's just say that.

How do you edit?

Ihni:

HAHAHAHAHAHAA

Erm.

Well.

Sometimes, I read through it once, and change a few things, and let that be it.

In a couple of cases, for the longer ones, I have actually made an effort to read through it more than once. (The problem being that by then, I'm so sick of it that I will skim through it just to get it over with.)

A couple of times, a friend has read through it for me, and given me pointers. Which is VERY HELPFUL! But they've offered to do it for me, I would never ask it of someone.

And about the editing process ... I check for spelling mistakes, or when something sounds wrong, or looks wrong ... and then I fix it, so it looks and sounds better in my head. I don't know. That's editing, right?

What fanfic authors do you admire?

Ihni:

In the Harringrove fandom, I have to mention LEMONLOVELY, because I'm in love with the way she writes Billy, and the way she's shaping her fics as she goes, and the way her attention to detail brings a whole mood (I am OBSESSED with her "Words Left Unsaid" fic, and am probably that fic's biggest fan).

LYMRICKS, because fucking hell, they sure can write a fic that draws you in. There's something about long sentences in combination with short sentences that really makes them easy to read, and the language is like a punch to the gut, at times.

CALLIEB, because I love their stories and I'm currently following "Second Thoughts" and I love how they write everyone like ... like they're holding their breath, waiting for something.

And I'm not even gonna mention any others by name because I'm terrible with names and I'm bound to forget someone and I'm just, I don't want to do that. Our fandom is full of talented writers, and I just. If I've commented on your fic, I read through all of it and I liked it. If I haven't - well, I HAVE been writing more lately = less time to read, and I have like 100 fic tabs open on all of my devices ... I hope to get there, some time!

In other fandoms, let me mention PeaceHeather (for how they write Loki and that world), aloneintherain (such good whump!), isaDanCurtisproduction (the absolute best Spideypool!) and gaelicspirit (who writes lovely angsty whumpy Musketeers fics). Like. Just to mention 0.01%, or something.

I don't think any of them, particularly, have impacted my style - because I don't HAVE a style - but I soak up every word of every fanfic I ever read, and if one sentence is a particularly pretty string of words, I will copy & paste it into a word document that is now 170 pages long, or screenshot it to keep it forever. ❤️

Words. <3

What's your favorite story of yours?

What's your least favorite story of yours?

What's your favorite line you've ever written?

Ihni:

Like, in what SENSE? Even though I know my writing isn't up to par, they're still my babies. Still my creations. I love them in different ways! Like. I love "Coming Back" because it was the longest I had written back then, and it's probably the one I am most pleased about, writing-wise, and it's also the one I went through and edited the most. So it feels like the one I worked the most on.

I love "Toy Soldiers" because it was a totally self-indulgent piece of writing that I wrote for the joy of it, and because I wanted to read it and no one else was about to write it for me.

I love "About Apologies" because something about it pleases me, it was an experiment that didn't fail, and I like it more and more with time.

I love "Less of a mistake, more of a miscalculation" because I had fun while writing it, and it turned out kind of like I wanted it to, plot-wise.

I love "Actions and reactions", because I had no idea what I was doing back then, but I still did it, and somehow it got long and I still don't know how that happened.

And I realise that this makes me sound a little self-centered, but I worked hard on them. I love them, even if they're my ugly and imperfect babies. And even if I cringe if I re-read certain parts XD

I guess my least favorite story of mine (and I'm guessing we're talking Stranger Things things here?) is "Not unusual" because a) I never re-read it and b) it was the start of something that I have to actually FINISH at some point and ugh, that was not the original plan. If we're talking least favorite stories in all fandoms, then definitely "In which there are mistakes made", which was a Teen Wolf fic, and the reason why I don't do WIPs anymore. The last chapter was written simply to fucking END it, and ugh, I hate it.

The favorite line I've ever written ...? I don't know. Are we talking in fic? Because I write my best stuff in comments, honestly. :p I don't think I have an answer for that one, actually. Sorry :S

What part of writing is easiest for you?

What part of writing is hardest for you?

 Ihni:

Easiest? Dialogue. I like dialogue. Like, as a non-English speaker I can at least imagine a plausible exchange of words, and banter, and make it sound somewhat realistic, I imagine.

Hardest? The rest. Like, some people are just fucking WIZARDS with words, can write these long descriptive sentences that perfectly sets the mood for when a character gracefully moves across the room ... whereas I am just, "He stood up and walked over. End of fucking story."

What do you do when you're struggling for inspiration?

Ihni:

Give up?

Or do something else.

Or go and read. (That's basically the same as giving up.)

Or, if I'm still writing, I go to another part of the story and write THAT, and hope that I'll feel like connecting the two pieces, later.

Inspiration is a bitch.

Who introduced you to fandom and when?

Ihni:

Oh god. I am old. I don't remember. 

I started writing stories when I was real young, and I was always reading something. I started writing stories with my friends when I was a teenager. Then we discovered the internet (yes, this was around the time when we got internet access in school and at home, told you I was old!) and when doing that, I guess we found more like-minded people.

Fanfics ... weren't an organized thing, back then. But I've been reading them, and been in fandoms, ever since I discovered that there were people online who liked the same things that I liked.

I would say, actively, from maybe around 19-20 years old? Like, that was ACTIVE fandom-ing.

What is your advice to fellow writers?

How often do you jump between fandoms?

How long have you been writing?

Ihni:

As a WRITER, I am not the best person to give advice to writers, I think. I'd rather TAKE advice than give it, at this point.

As a READER, my advice is to WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, because you are doing a good thing and you are creating a version of a world that is yours, versions of characters that you can shape into anything, and SOMEONE out there will love you for it (probably me).

I jump between fandoms ... hmm, as a WRITER? Seldom. Billy's my jam and I'm not moving.

As a READER? All the time. I mean, I'm pretty deep into Harringrove and Billy and Stranger Things, but sometimes I need something light-hearted, and then I go back to some of my basic fandoms, and read something else. I will never run out of things to read. 

❤️

And how long have I been writing? FOREVER. I wrote when I was young, and thought I was going to be an author (wrote in Swedish, back then). Then I wrote when I was a teen, for fun. Then I stopped writing. Then I started writing rhymes, in English, because it was a craft I could do and train in, and it was short pieces. And only in recent years (very recent), have I started writing fics. And now, I write long-ass fics in English, so I guess I have at least come a long way!

Why do you write?

Ihni:

...

I just sat and stared at the screen for a good ten seconds.

I'd say that it differs.

Sometimes, I write because I want to READ something and no one has written it (or is going to).

Sometimes, I write because I want a very specific thing or feeling, and it doesn't exist yet.

Sometimes, I write because I am inspired.

Sometimes, I write because I want to.

Sometimes, I write because of a deadline.

Sometimes, I write because there's something in my head that Won't Leave Me The Fuck Alone until I get it out.

Sometimes, I write for fun.

Sometimes, I write because I want to hurt.

Sometimes, I write because I need to.

Sometimes, I write because I want to become better at it; learn; reach towards the writers whose work I love.

And sometimes, I just sit and stare at a document, don't write a single fucking word, and go watch a movie instead.

[blackdreamsoffashion]

It’s August 7th and unfortunately, things have gotten exponentially worse…. in the U.S. because the rest of the world has generally gotten their shit together.

As things continue to worsen and we wait for the ticking time bomb that is K-12 schools and universities opening for F2F instruction… prior to having a vaccine, there honestly doesn’t seem to be a real end in sight (unless I move to Canada, and I may or may not have been researching how to become a Canadian citizen).

Most of the time, I’m ok with this. I’m a big girl, I understand that life is hard, things happen, “it is what it is” (barf), but there are some days where the realization that I’ll be living through these Covid times indefinitely, truly knocks the wind out of me.

While I’m generally a home body, I do like the option of being able to leave my house. I miss being able to visit family and friends without worrying about infecting each other. I miss the gym, and coffee shops, and Marshall’s, and thrift stores. I could go on and on about what I miss, but I’ll spare you since I’m sure everyone has things they’re missing right now.

On these hard days, and throughout the pandemic in general, I’ve tried to find ways to feel somewhat “normal”, and luckily with the help of my therapist and suggestions from friends, I’ve felt ok most days and I don’t curl up and cry on the floor for hours on the hard days either (even though a good cry is always good for the soul).

So, I thought I’d share my tips.

Being a teacher and all, it’s in my nature.

1. Tip 1: Keep a loose schedule

In the beginning of the pandemic, I found that I was trying to just go with the flow. I didn’t have any sort of schedule and I quickly learning that everything just started to blend together, in a negative way. When you come from a structured life style, i.e. teaching classes, waking up, eating , working out, dissertating, etc. all at a set time, having no structure feels hard after a while! So, I created a very loose, very flexible schedule, as I found it gave me something to look forward to, while helping my life to feel more normal. For example, my days are generally: wake up around 7:30/8, listen to a podcast or two while eating, from 9 until 12 it’s open to what I want (maybe running, going for a walk, reading, cleaning, etc.). 12:30 is lunch followed by coffee and a dessert. 1-5 I try to complete some school/work related tasks. 5:30-6:30 I cook and have dinner. After dinner, we might go for another walk… or another dessert. I might dance to ratchet music for 20-30 minutes (also good for the soul, trust me), or I might do some things around the house. 9:30-11:30 I watch Netflix. So as you can see, it’s super loose, and the only things that are truly set are my meal times… otherwise I’d be eating constantly all day. The first month of covid, we spent about $600 on food….for two people…. and our budget is 250-300 a month #yikes. By having some things to look forward to though, it helps my days to run a bit smoother. But let’s be honest, we all know it’s the dessert after lunch that keeps me going LOL.

2. Tip 2: Find you hobby

Considering the way American culture and society is set up (insert side-eye here), our lives are often centered around work/school and other obligations, and we rarely have time to pursue other things. Therefore, I’ve tried to really take advantage of having to be home by incorporating some old hobbies back into my life, and even trying new ones. I’ve been flying through angsty Mangas and Animes and repurposing/revamping thrifted furniture/ people trash.

I even made a children’s book for my nephew centered around him and my sister!

I’m also trying to expand the inventories of bread I can make. I’m happily at a solid 1.5 different loaves. I say 1.5 because the second type only comes out well 50% of the time LOL.

  There are so many things you can do such as an online cooking class, a Zoom paint-with-a twist, drawing, photography, running, gardening, learning a new language or skill, becoming an indoor plant mom, etc.

I am especially biased towards activities that involve moving the body. NUMEROUS studies (no I’m not looking them up/linking them b/c I do enough of that as an academic, so you can look up studies yourself!) have found that exercise helps with anxiety and depression (I can attest to this), with mental clarity and focus (I can also attest to this), it helps you sleep better, and it also helps with your immune system, blood pressure, and hormone regulation. My moods are always consistently better when I exercise vs. when I don’t. When I don’t I can become a crazy bish….

3. Tip 3: Take social media breaks

I do this and I have several friends who do this as well. Yes it is important to be connected and social media can facilitate that. However, it is extremely important to monitor/control what we consume. The world, especially the U.S. is NOT a pretty place right now. Our feeds are filled with Black men and women losing their lives to police, families being ripped apart due to Covid-related deaths, thousands of deaths in Lebanon, a humanitarian crisis in Yemen, and the list goes on and on. Taking breaks from constant exposure to that is crucial to maintaining our mental health. I know it’s easier said than done, and studies have shown that social media is a literal addition, but I find that it helps to set small goals, which can be done easily with i-phones. Simply set a limit to the amount of time you’re able to use social media apps (through the i-phone settings), and it will lock you out of the app once you reach that time limit.

4. Tip 4: The Calm app

I cannot express how in love I am with the Calm app. I believe it’s $70 a year but given that I use it everyday, that’s essentially .20 cents a day.  Trust me, it’s wellll worth it. The app includes things like guided meditations, bedtime stories, daily mood check-ins, sound scapes, 7-days of gratitude, and help for anxiety, confidence, relationships, stress, emotions, etc. etc. TBH, you should have bought it when I said .20 cents a day! This app helped me through graduate school as I struggled with stress, anxiety, and sleep deprivation, and it continues to help me with those same things as I transition into a new work environment and of course, Covid.

Lastly, I’m not sure whether this is a tip or not due to its broadness but, if I’ve learned anything from all of this craziness, it’s to do things meaningfully and with intention. It’s soooo easy to agree to 1000 Zoom get-togethers when you’re not interacting with other humans, but it gets to a point where we’re just doing things to do them. Like social media. We scroll just because. We binge shop online (maybe just me…), we watch a million shows on Netflix, we eat ALL the cookies/make constant trips just because. Although it’s not easy, I try to be in tune with myself and my needs by being present, and asking myself WHY. Why are you going in the fridge again, Sherez? Are you hungry, or eating to eat? Why did you say yes to that Zoom hang out when you just spoke with that person two days ago (what could have possibly happened in two days during Covid LOL).

I do slip up, often, but I try my damn best. Trying helps me to make it through the hard days, and it makes the other days as close to normal as it’s gonna get, for now.

Any who, I hope this is able to help someone out there in the black void that is the internet.

Goodluck my friends! Sending back the love + light that I’ve received from so many of you. We’ll get through this, poco a poco, and we are in this together…… despite American society’s push for individualism (*cough, cough*).

Until the next one!

S.M.

Sharing is caring. 

Surviving the pandemic hard days: Tips from me + the community It's August 7th and unfortunately, things have gotten exponentially worse.... in the U.S. because the rest of the world has generally gotten their shit together.

[bigskydreaming]

I dont want to intrude on your convo with your friend but I've been reading all your posts about your changelings verse since you started making them. Is the Alicia you mentioned next to Boyd in the poart about the changeling market meant to be Boyd's little sister from TW? What's her change, if you don't mind telling??

LOL no worries, and you’re not intruding, I don’t mind comments or weighing in on any post I make ever, unless its specifically under a cut and I’m like ‘plz dont reblog Im gonna delete this in ten minutes anyway, IM JUST HAVING A MOMENT OKAY’ lolol.

So yeah, you’re fine, and if you follow me because of TW which you obvsly know well enough to recognize Alicia’s name, you probably know how much I love exploring minor or barely ever used characters, haha. Alicia Boyd is no exception and I have a ridiculous number of headcanons and places I’ve used her in various unposted WIPs considering that she made all of one appearance on the show and it was a hallucination/flashback. BUT WHATEVER.

Anyway, Alicia’s Change is one of my faves, and given that she’s such a barely there presence in TW, she’s a character I’m pretty comfortable keeping just as she is in my TW changeling headcanons, when writing the official ‘to be published’ stuff in this ‘verse. 

All Changelings’ physical changes and magic are in some way related to their personalities and individual traits, even if that connection isn’t immediately obvious. And even though the Changelings are supernatural in origin, given that their magic reflects who they are and who they are is a product of a 21st century modern society, I wanted some of them to have changes and magic that seems in some ways almost sci-fi or technology based, even while still definitively being magic at its source.

So for no particular reason other than just its my head, I’ll headcanon what I want, I’ve always pictured Alicia as a STEM girl, very much into science and math, and her change and magic ties into that.

Basically, she looks just like she did before she was Changed, so she’s a fourteen year old black girl who’s just a slightly older version of the character we saw briefly on TW….except for the fact that she’s at all times surrounded by what appear to be like…ghostly versions of herself.

Like, at any given time there’s a half dozen to a dozen different versions of herself, totally intangible and somewhat faded/transparent like a photo that hasn’t been fully developed….and they’re all ‘orbiting’ her, for lack of a better term….kinda like the electrons of an atom orbit it.

And these other versions of herself all look slightly different upon closer inspection - different hairstyles, clothing, a couple have glasses, etc….and some appear like they’re floating in mid-air, others like their feet are sinking into the ground….and most of them usually look like they’re just hovering or flickering around Alicia like half-formed images or ghosts that are all moving, doing something - whether appearing like they’re talking, walking, fighting, reading, any number of things….and all of them seemingly paying no attention to what’s going on around Alicia here and now, if they’re even aware of it.

Which they are though, because the thing is, these ‘satellite versions of herself’ are all alternate versions of herself existing currently in other parallel universes where the Change still occurred and they all ended up with the same magic as this Alicia.

So essentially, there are between ten and sixteen versions of Alicia, spread across an equivalent number of parallel universes….who are all Changelings with the exact same magic….which connects them all.

Just like they appear like ghostly images of this Alicia here, this Alicia appears as one of the ghostly images hovering around each of the other versions of herself in their realities.

And despite them always looking like they’re doing their own thing for the most part and oblivious to anything happening in a different reality, that’s just a matter of them learning after a loooot of practice and trial and error, how to primarily just focus on their main reality and only keep a vague/back of their mind awareness trained on what’s happening with the other versions of herself via their magical connection.

Whenever something big happens to one of them though, no matter which reality, like if one of them is in danger, the others can immediately stop what they’re doing in their home realities and pay attention to the one who’s actively in danger….because all the Alicias can communicate with each other, share knowledge and life experiences and skills with each other, and so whenever one of them really needs the others, the others can all focus on them and come to their aid or support them in a variety of ways, even without being physically present.

And some of these parallel universes are more similar than others, and some of them are just sliiiiightly out of sync with the others….like one of the Alicias lives in a universe that for the most part is almost identical to this Alicia’s universe….except its timeline is like, thirty seconds ahead of this one’s.

Meaning while its not foolproof, due to the very very minor differences in realities resulting in the people in each reality making slightly different choices….that 30 seconds ahead Alicia tends to for the most part be able to give this Alicia a 30 seconds heads up to any unexpected danger. 

And there’s a bunch of other ways their magic is helpful too….each of the Alicias’ has their own fields of study…remember since Changeling magic reflects the person, the fact that these Alicias all have the same magic is because all of these versions of her are precocious little science and math prodigies in some way….but they all have slightly different interests and scientific and mathematic pursuits they’ve applied themselves towards or decided to study in earnest. Which means any one of them can at any time draw on the knowledge possessed by one of the others due to studying a specific field that the other one doesn’t know a ton about. Or they can just talk to each other directly, ask each other questions about something, or use themselves as a sounding board or to bounce ideas off of each other. 

So sometimes Alicia will just stop in the middle of talking to other Changelings in town here to be like hang on a sec, I need to get this….and appear to just be talking to one of her own flickering reflections in the middle of the sidewalk, while anyone who knows her well is pretty used to this and just chills like someone waiting for a friend to finish up on the phone after she had to take an urgent call, lol.

And since the Alicias don’t have to be in the same or similar physical space to still appear as satellites of each other Alicia in her home reality, one Alicia can be physically present at one side of town and really need something like….from a book she left at home on the other side of town. And one of the other Alicias is usually bound to be at home and by focusing on her, Alicia can just ask her to read from her own book what this Alicia needs to know, or like, check something online, or solve a problem real quick for her and give her the answer while she focuses on doing something else urgent at the same time, etc.

Then there’s the fact that some of the Alicias have a lot of self-defense training and teach the others some tricks, and a couple are very practiced with a variety of weapons they can pass along expertise about….one Alicia excels at picking locks, which comes in handy as this Alicia, along with about five of the others, is kinda like….the Nancy Drew of their respective Bordertowns, the pint-sized, precocious PI that other Changelings often turn to despite her age, because Alicia (all the Alicias, really) is damn good at what she does.

Also via their connection to each other’s realities, when they focus they can basically see what’s going on around one of the others, so for instance, when this one is in danger or running from someone or something like that, and a few of the others are safe and sound at home, they can just focus solely on her and everything going on around her, and its like Alicia has preternatural awareness of her surroundings then, because she’s got five or six other versions of herself flickering around her head and at her back like ghostly shadows…and all of them are shouting instructions to her or to look out for this or that or turn here, etc. So there’s basically six pairs of eyes looking out for her and keeping her apprised of everything that’s going on in her vicinity at the moment. 

That really comes in handy. 

Everyone can see the other versions of herself that are most present via her connection at any given moment, given that that’s the nature of her physical Change, but since its her magic specifically, only she can actually hear the other versions of her or interact with them….with very rare exceptions. None of them have quite figured out yet how the connection totally works, in the sense that some of them are in sharper focus at times than others, like, there’s always some connection between all of them, but at different times some feel further away and are harder to communicate or interact with than others. And they’re not sure if that’s because like, their different universes are engaged in some kind of movement or orbit or rotation relative to each other, or if there’s some other reason for it, but a few of them are always working on that particular puzzle at any given moment, lol. 

But on a related note, on three separate occasions, when one of the Alicias in one reality was in extreme danger, another Alicia was able to temporarily ‘jump into the driver’s seat’ of that Alicia’s body, via their connection….one time was when one of the skilled fighters jumped into one of the Alicias who was being attacked by someone she’d followed during one of her investigations and turned out to be more dangerous than she’d expected….another time one of the other Alicias jumped into the body of an Alicia who’d been knocked unconscious in an accident and the other Alicia was able to assume control of her body and get her out of danger until she woke up and it bumped the other one back into her own body….and then the third time, one of the Alicias saw that this Alicia was about to get hit by a car that she didn’t see coming, and the alternate Alicia tried to warn her by projecting through their connection as hard as she could, to look out….and somehow accidentally jumped fully into this Alicia’s body and threw her(self) out of the way, before almost immediately being slingshotted back into her own body.

Except none of them have figured out how to do anything like that on command, despite it vexing a number of them. They just know it most likely has something to do with the intensity of a life or death threat or situation making it possible…even though it doesn’t always seem to happen, so they try not to rely on it.

And on one particularly memorable occasion that none of them have the faintest clue why or how it happened, eight of them went from flickering around this Alicia like satellite ghosts….to manifesting physically around her in this reality in their own bodies, and shocking the hell out of the guy trying to intimidate her, who was not at all prepared for the teen girl to suddenly be just one of a literal crowd of nine girls all staring him down. So he turned tail and ran, and they all almost instantly winked back into their home realities and returned to just being afterimage-esque glimpses of them still orbiting around her.

None of them have any idea how that happened or why, let alone how to make it happen again, which irritates the crap out of most of them because ugh, screw magic, there has to be a logical explanation for at least the mechanism of this, damn you supernatural forces with no coherent consistency!

(All the Alicias rant quite often about their inability to pin down firm rules for a lot of Changeling magic and how and why it operates the way it does. Big fans of logic, the Alicias. Not so much the bafflement).

Sooooo….she’s a LOT of fun to write, even though she’s very challenging to…maneuver around, narratively speaking, if that makes sense, lol….but like, yeah, I have a blast writing her. 

The main Alicia, the one who’s always front and center, is snarky but never in a mean-spirited way. More like….her mind is always twenty steps ahead of everyone around her, sometimes literally, lol, and so she rolls her eyes a lot and sometimes makes a show of being exasperated that she has to slow down and wait for everyone to catch up, but its not because of “oh I think everyone but me is so stupid” or anything like that, its usually just….pure impatience on her part. 

The second she figures something out she wants to go, go, go, move on to wherever that leads. She winds up getting in various less than totally safe situations purely because she doesn’t want to stop and grab someone to go along with her when checking something out, but also just because the nature of her magic means she’s never truly completely on her own, and she sometimes forgets to factor that in, or remember that her other selves aren’t usually physically present and able to help her out of a jam. 

She’s so used to their presences that every so often she just genuinely forgets that they’re not right there in the room with her, which has caused some confusion to more than one person when meeting her for the first time and realizing those silent movie-style images of her are actually real and she’s actually communicating with them, not just talking to thin air.

Fortunately, she’s smart and capable in her own right, so when you multiply that by a factor of twelve to fifteen similar minds all attuned to all of their best interests….there’s very few situations she isn’t capable of getting out of on her own. Not that this makes her big brother facepalm any less when she blithely handwaves off a recent escapade as no big deal and something she has no idea why he’s getting so worked up about.

(I mean, she does totally get his concerns and isn’t lacking in self-awareness, its just that she’s also committed to giving him gray hairs before he’s forty. She is, among other things, still a little sister after all.)

Due to her many alternate selves, and the vast array of personality differences between each of them, that many of her close friends are at least aware of by proxy, given that even though they can’t hear her other selves, they’ve all heard her casually talk about them often enough to know them in a sense as well….

Anyway, so a lot of Changelings have nicknames based on their Changes or magic, and she’s no exception. She goes by her own name and just introduces herself as Alicia, but its not uncommon to hear others address her as or reference her as ‘Sybil.’

When asked how she feels about that name, she tends to just shrug and stare off into the distance contemplatively. “I don’t know,” she’ll say at last. “Part of me loves it, and part of me hates it.”

And then she’ll just grin as everyone around her just groans, because she’s just Like This, and just looooves being literal in little ways like that - given that she’s literally acknowledging that half of her alternates feel the one way, and the other half feel the other way. 

Another common line of hers is something like “Hey, I’m only problematic on Thursdays,” or “that wasn’t me, that was Alicia Number Nine, its not my fault she hates you.”

Her magic is just weird enough and behaves just erratically and unexpectedly enough, that its hard to be entirely sure when she’s just bullshitting you and when she might actually be telling the truth and some weird power snafu had one of the other Alicias in her body the last time you interacted with her and she was short with you.

There’s never a dull moment with her.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi! I was wondering what was your take Fe vs Fi and emotional expressiveness? I've seen on several sites (funkymbti comes to mind) that high Fe users were emotionally expressive while high Fi users tended to keep theur emotions to themselves and a few trusted ones but in my experience, it just doesn't map with the way I see actual people behaving around me. In my experience, people who are not very attuned to other people's emotions/group dynamics (and therefore unlikely to be Fe users) are 1/2

more likely to be oversharers, while people I see being much more in tune with theur social environment tend to prioritize other people's emotions over expressing theirs - and are sometimes not very aware of what they feel in the first place, because they kind of absorb other people's feelings. 2/2

-------

Yeah, I would agree with you - it’s a lot more complicated.

Some of it doesn’t map to MBTI at all. I think a lot is highly cultural. Women are encouraged to be more expressive and men to be less, and different countries, regions, or communities have different expectations as well - I’ve lived in the northeast and the midwest, for example, and they are pretty different in terms of what level of emotional expression is typical. It’s also somewhat generational - I’m pretty private but I’m also a millennial and think some amount of social media sharing is normal, whereas my parents are much more private online, and people younger than me who grew up with social media from an even younger age have a different attitude than I do.

I also think oversharing is its own topic because it’s not the same as emotional expression (I’m pretty private about all emotions and personal stuff in public , but I know people who are very outwardly expressive of their emotions while sharing what I’d consider an appropriate amount of personal life). I get really uncomfortable when people overshare, but also I wouldn’t say I’m amazing at being attuned to group dynamics (and I actively sucked at it when I was younger) - my default thought was “I don’t know what level is appropriate so I will reveal nothing” but some people either don’t have the awareness to realize that they suck at group dynamics, or say “I don’t know what’s appropriate so I’ll just lay it all on the table.”

Anyway: anecdotally, most oversharers I’ve known have been feelers, simply because thinkers are less expressive and more private overall, so it’s not as simple as group dynamics since an ExFP would (usually) have better group dynamic understanding than an IxTJ, but the ExFP is (again anecdotally) far more likely to be the oversharer.

Personally I find that oversharers often fit the following profile:

First, they tend to have an idea of themselves as an open book or a super friendly person, and this is more common in the self-image of feelers in general (and not limited to either FPs nor FJs, though it’s more common in extroverts.

In the case of high Fi users, you get people who feel that to be authentically themselves they must be absolutely honest about everything with everyone. This is not how I personally feel (I mean, don’t lie, but excluding irrelevant conversation is not lying).

In the case of high FJ users I’ve found it’s more likely to be the fault of again, FJs having people skills but not person skills. In particular, it’s often been people in my larger friend group but to whom I’m not personally close who don’t draw that same distinction, so it’s like “yeah, I’m very close with this other person you’re very close to, and I like you well enough, but close friendship is not the transitive property and I don’t personally know you well enough.”

When you do get thinkers oversharing, then I would blame it on a really bad read of social norms - I think that’s fair. But it’s not in my experience accurate to say that’s the only cause of oversharing.

Two final thoughts.

First: as well-established I think instinctual variants are complete bullshit, but this is one of the topics some people claim is best explained via instinctual variants rather than MBTI/just being a person. If you want to explore that, I don’t really have recommendations, but it is out there as an option to explore.

Second: a few of the people, though by no means all, who overshared a lot in my past have also had complicating mental illnesses or personality disorders, and treatment for those conditions helped them better set and respect boundaries. This is obviously a delicate topic because I don’t think that mental illness necessarily makes you likely to overshare. However, there are some conditions that do affect how people perceive personal boundaries and that is worth keeping in mind.

[dandelionpie]

So I’ve been Having Ideas About My Future lately. And right now this one feels like the very beginning of a soap bubble - the part where you’ve started to blow into it but it hasn’t closed around itself yet. And I want to be really cautious with it so it doesn’t just pop before it can even get into the air, so I wasn’t gonna talk about it for a while, but also.

[Click through for a very long post about Maddy’s Career Options - replies are fine but please be gentle with my baby bubble hopes]

Okay, you guys.

So I was on the phone with my mother the other day, and I was having a sort of a panic attack (you know, like you do when you’re on the phone with your mother [kidding this is not normal and should not be trivialized, etc]), and I was trying to conceal this fact from her but it was Not Working. And I was dismayed about where my life was going, my lack of definite plans for a career, etc., and she said, “You know, I was actually gonna tell you - we had a lady come visit our school the other day and she’s an art therapist.”

And...here’s the thing. Usually my mother’s career suggestions kind of go in one ear and out the other. Because my mom’s great! Really! But she isn’t me, and she doesn’t always get what my life is like. So I usually just say “hm, yeah, I’ll look into it,” and then I don’t.

But I had genuinely just forgotten that art therapy existed. I knew about art, and I knew about therapy, and I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that people were putting those two things together, but somehow I’d just sort of filed that info in the General Trivia drawer instead of the Potential Grown-Up Jobs one. And...I’m getting sort of cautiously excited about the idea.

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS I HAVE HAD SINCE THAT CONVERSATION

(I Started Writing Them Down and Then They Became Legion)

Every piece of art I like has a strong psychological element. That’s the common thread, dammit. That’s why I’m so picky about song lyrics, that’s why I can’t get into a book unless it’s got some sort of strong interpersonal/intrapersonal thread for me to snag my little English major hooks in. At the end of the day, the narratives that interest me are the ones where people are constantly feeling and processing things and I have to think a lot about why they’re doing that the way they’re doing it.

Not trying to sound like I think I’m super virtuous or whatever, but I tend to see good in most people, which might be an asset in that field? I get along well with a lot of personality types that friends of mine have cited as abrasive. Like, I can find people obnoxious but still notice enough of their good qualities to enjoy their company or at least tolerate it. And that’s a strength that’s served me well on a personal level, and a little on a professional level too (getting along with people helps just about anywhere), but I never thought of it as something I could use to particular effect in an actual career track.

That said, I have NO background in psychology. I had a couple lab rats, but they didn’t really teach me any of their secrets.

On cursory examination I have decided that I Do Not Like neurology. I have a lot of friends who seem to love it and that’s great, but....look, it just freaks me the fuck out. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much of my adulthood (read: all of it) preoccupied with the vulnerability of my physical being to various surgery-requiring problems. But the idea of my mind (that place where I spend so very very much of my time) being subject to the physical limitations of my brain (a part of my corporeal body [which has in the past proven itself to be somewhat unpredictable]) is so fucking terrifying to me that I’d prefer to spend as little time on that as possible please and thank you.

(Aside: I know the phrase “I don’t like the Brain; I just like the Mind) is like peak dualism, but I’m sure you all know what I mean, right? It’s possible to think about and work with the mind without focusing on the physical brain that gives rise to it. I’ve been doing that on the client end of things for years.)

A lot of the art I do is actually pretty therapeutic! To me, I mean. I never did figure out how to translate the whole cancer thing into an autobio comic (I eventually realized I simply didn’t want to and it was one of the most liberating moments of my life). But I have been relying on art for years to process my trauma. Most of my creative projects and ideas for them go back to that in some way, even if it doesn’t come across to the other people who experience them.

That said, I am...not the biggest autobio comic fan. There are so many things about that genre that rub me the wrong way. I’m glad it exists, I just don’t tend to enjoy consuming or creating autobio comics.                                       However, this might be a chance to see autobio comics through a new lens! And it also has the potential to set me apart - there are quite a few art therapists, but I’ll bet there are fewer whose background is in comics specifically.

I could have an office. I could go into private practice and have a place that I could build into a safe space for people to talk about their problems and work on them. I know it’s just a little thing (and I’m not sure yet if private practice would be feasible/right for me, at least right away), but I like the idea of making physical space for that kind of work.                                                                  (And if I sometimes also used it as a studio for comics, well, I don’t think that’s illegal or anything.)

I could be relatively independent in my career. I could work for an agency (and I think I’d probably have to, at first, but I gotta look into how all that works), but I could also spend at least some of my time in private practice, or working pro bono or on a sliding scale, or doing other stuff that allows me a great deal of flexibility and control over my schedule.

I like the idea of a type of schooling that has experience built into it. Like, you have to get a certain number of internship hours before you can be certified. I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but it’s nice to see a field that’s so up-front about the fact that you need experience before you can do your job.

A lot of art therapists work with traumatized kids, and I find that prospect faintly terrifying. But also maybe it would be good to get over that, if I want to Help People and Use My Strengths to Do Good Things In the World. Those kids are gonna be traumatized either way, and if I can handle it, it’d probably be cool if I helped them.

It would be so nice to not be broke literally all the time. Even with student loans, I think this has the potential to help that happen, if I do my research and play my cards right. And I might even be able to work *gasp* less than 40 hours a week, thereby freeing up my time for other projects. Or, you know, kids. Hell, maybe I’d even be able to feed them.

Nobody would be able to make me work Saturdays.

Not sure yet whether it’d be better to get an Actual Art Therapy Degree or do a more general thing and then get a specific art therapy certification after/during that? I’m leaning towards the latter because I’d like more versatility, but I’m getting the sense that the rules for who can call themself an art therapist are slightly stricter in Oregon, so I’m gonna have to talk to the people who run the program.

What with the horse in the hospital and all that, I was thinking about a career in activism. But I’m not sure I have the temperament to be a lawyer, and I hate talking to strangers (I’ll do it if I have to, but damned if I’m gonna go door-to-door every day). But this way, I could maybe help activists balance their lives and their activism. Activists need therapists.

I could help people like me, with medical trauma. I know all about medical trauma! It has literally been a constant since I was 18! And in college and after, I hated feeling like my problems were fake and that my illness affecting my life was the result of some moral defect. Without therapy, I don’t know if I would have kept going to doctors and trying to figure everything out.

Visual art has in many ways been a great avenue leading away from self-harm, for me. The physicality of it is so much more powerful, for me, than almost anything else.

I’ve been so conflicted lately with lots of ideas about art-as-saleable-product vs. art-as-catharsis-and-narrative-control. I kind of thought my interest lay in the former but now I’m wondering if maybe it’s the latter. Like, I still love comics and storytelling and I want to make comics for people to read, but at the end of the day, I don’t want to do advertising. I don’t want to build a brand. I just want to tell stories and draw pretty pictures that make people happy. And I know that’s not what art therapists do, but in some ways it feels like the field still lines up better with my goals than commercial illustration. Does that make sense?

Lewis and Clark has a program. PSU has a program (though not an art therapy one specifically I think). There are online ones and low-residency ones as well, although honestly I think I function best in a classroom. Right now I think I’m leaning towards L&C because I’ve heard really good things about their education grad programs from a couple of people, but: gotta look further into it.

I’m liking the prospect of being a student again. I like going to lectures. I like notebooks and pencils and pens and libraries. And according to one person I talked to, as a therapist you actually have to keep taking courses throughout your career as the field changes. It’s like a condition for licensure or something (at least in some parts of the field). I’d love to be able to keep learning my entire life in such a deliberate way.

And I think I’d be better at being a student now than I was at Reed. I remember realizing waaay too late that you could just...ask your professors for help with stuff. And they could say no! But they weren’t going to, like, set me on fire. So what if I just set up a meeting with someone involved in a program and said, “Hey, look, I have no psych background and an intense interest in therapeutic work; how do I do this?” They could tell me to go away, but that’s probably about it. In a way, I think it might be nice to take another stab at academia - redeem myself.

(I have no idea what my Reed GPA is and should probably figure that out. Pretty sure I got a C in Chem and at least one other class? But maybe they won’t mind.)

My original plan had been to fund my comics habit with a freelance illustration career. Because almost nobody makes a living in comics, at least not just in comics. It happens, but very rarely does it happen with creator-owned work. A lot of indie comics artists freelance or have some other sort of art day job, and I thought that was a lifestyle I could get into.  

But the Horrible Deep Dark Secret is...I don’t actually like freelancing that much, at least with my life the way it currently is. I mean, I love drawing and I love not being broke, so please keep sending people my way if they want someone to draw something (please please please I need the money). But the illustration industry is downright exhausting. It’s so hard to switch off, and it’s so much work even convincing people you deserve to get paid, let alone getting them to pay you. Mad kudos to anyone who has the time/energy to do that, but I’m not sure I do, at least at this point in my life.

But if I was planning to supplement my comics with another, art-related career anyway, what if I did this instead? What if it ended up being something I, Maddy, could enjoy and feel good about? Doing this (with my temperament) might actually a) pay better b) offer me more time and c) lend a sense of structure to my days that I definitely need and that freelancing sorely lacks.

Actually, having comics projects might even help with work-life balance in this field. I don’t know yet, but I’ve been told that a lot of therapeutic practice is establishing healthy boundaries between your work and your life, and I think it might help to have somewhere else to pour emotional energy when I’m off the clock.

Having another career wouldn’t mean I couldn’t make comics. Hell, it wouldn’t even mean I couldn’t sell comics. I could still make a website and freelance sometimes. I could still set up a Patreon. I could still publish my stuff on the web and in real life. I could still table at cons. And if things started going better than I’ve been planning for them to go, comics-wise, I wouldn’t have to keep being a therapist full-time. I’d have some flexibility, especially in private practice.

Anyway, I literally just started thinking about this a few days ago, so I have no idea if I’m gonna stay this excited about it. But...I’m enjoying looking into it. I’ve felt so much more hopeful the past few days - like my life might actually go someplace I could like. It’s a nice feeling and I would like to keep it.

I dunno. I’ve talked to some people and I’m gonna talk to some more people. Maybe set up an interview at the college in the next couple months if I can swing it. Prereqs would probably be somewhat hellacious, but that’s what I get for majoring in the humanities.

Okay cool I’m gonna go eat something and clean the kitchen. 

[queengeekrose]

Setbacks and Mental Health

As some of you know, I started streaming on Twitch last summer, in July, as a way to help me manage my mental health and deal with some of my issues that I have because I'm almost completely housebound. Being housebound like I am means I have very little interaction with other people, except online, and what I do have tends to be limited to doctors and other people who are also ill, or to people who are seeing me in a very limited set of circumstances, most of which are not positive, and people tend to judge me rather harshly for, for a variety of reasons. It makes my introverted nature and extreme shyness and social anxiety a lot harder to deal with, especially since I hear a lot of very rude comments whenever I go out, because I have very good hearing, and sadly, I am far too used to hearing this type of thing. I've been hearing abusive comments thrown at me since I was old enough to understand words, from one person or another. Most of them I can just let roll off my back, but some bother me, a lot. I get triggered, in the true meaning of the word, by some of the comments and I start to backslide into mental health issues that are scary and it can take days, week, or even longer to pull myself back out of those pits. I haven't really talked about it with anyone online, honestly, but maybe I should. Maybe I should bare my soul and be honest about what happened to me over time, instead of just hinting at things and letting people draw their own conclusions. It might help me deal with things too. I'm not really sure.

Some of the things I've taked about in my writing, extensively, happened to me. Others I drew from experiences I helped others get through. All of them however do have more than a large helping of truth to them, when I was describing the hardships of abuse, mental torture, rape, violence, kidnapping (someone I knew in college was grabbed by an ex and held against her will for about six days, she was extremely traumatized and had to leave school because of it by the end of the semester and ended up moving in with me for a few weeks before that, because she felt safer around me than anyone else), eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and painful shyness. I have even talked a bit about PTSD in my stories, and ADHD. All of these things I'm pulling from my own experience, to make my writing as real and human as possible, even though I'm trying to write a character other people can relate to as well. What I'm trying to do is flesh out enough realism to give 'you' a backstory without taking over whatever headcannon you are creating for yourself in the story, when I do that, so I borrow very heavily from my own experiences to keep the experience geniune and grounded. I want thing to be so real you can picture them vividly in your head and immerse yourself, not get lost because something seems inauthentic or wrong, so I tend to pour myself into the writing, more and more, as time goes on. And it's somewhat cathartic too, to a degree, to write about some of the issues I've been through. Don't misunderstand me in anyway please. It's still extremely hard to think about to talk about with anyone and still feels like an open and bleeding stab wound most days, but maybe now it feels like the knife has been removed and the bleeding has slowed a bit, to the point it's not so dangerous anymore. I can cope with things a lot better, most of the time. My writing gave me a lot of my mental piece of mind back.

And then I found streaming and the online communities on Discord and Twitch. This really turned around a lot more then. I had suffered a major mental setback when my father died, even though we were estranged, for a variety of reasons, and mental health had reached an all time low. I went to a doctor and started some new medicines, which helped, slowly, and after about four months on them, I was able to function somewhat normally again a bit. That's when I found Twitch and really threw myself into streaming, modding, and Discord, communicating with people that way. It helped me pull myself back out a lot faster and basically reset my mental health meter to normal much more quickly and stay balanced, with fewer slips. I still had a few day to day struggles with things, like remembering to eat, something I had gotten out of the habit of doing much of, or really at all, when my mood swung started to slip. It had been nearly a year, really, since I had eaten normally, if I'm being honest. That means, as of writing this, in February of 2019, it's been over two years of me having little to no appetite, often skipping meals or forcing myself to eat just one meal a day. I had a lot of medical treatments in there too that made me nauseated and I threw up anything I did eat. Sadly, I never lost a large amount of weight and I am still rather overweight. I did lose some, not that I was really trying to at any point, I just haven't had the appetite or desire to eat anything and facing for often seems like too much for me.

Twitch helped me find people with similar interests and helped me find new areas I was able to absolutely shine in. It didn't matter that my legs didn't work normally, I had a natural talent for keeping communities in line as a moderator on streams for other people. So what if I was a bit overweight? I could make badges and emotes that people liked. Who cared if I struggled with shyness in person? The internet was a great buffer and it meant I never actually saw who I was talking to directly in my streams. I was just talking to names. And yes, sadly I did get trolls. But not that many really, compared to a lot of women I've talked to. I figured it was just soemthing I'd have to live with. Mostly I got them early in my streaming career and they came in and heckled me about my weight, I kicked them out and it was over, I moved on, no harm no foul. I mostly even forgot about them pretty immediately. They didn't leave any lasting impact on me because as I said, I've been hearing that kind of comment, or ones like it all my life.

The trolling I got last week on Wednesday night was different though. For the first time ever it was very sexual in nature. It made me extremely uncomfortable. There were three trolls involved as well. The first was fairly harmless, just egging the second on, who I warned several times, then timed out and eventually banned. The third crossed several lines and has caused me so much emotional and mental distress I have been struggling with severe relapses of my major depressive disorder, PTSD, and even dissociating, which my family doesn't know about. I don't know how to tell them about it. They think it's just me spacing out or my mind wandering, not that I'm literally unable to answer and I lose chunks of time, even if I've answered. I didn't even realize I had been dissociating again until a friend told me he had said things to me and I couldn't recall any of those conversations, nor most of the evening really. I realized I had large gaps in my memory of what had been going on with small breaks in the fog that were clear, what usually happend when I'm having my episodes, and I knew I had to do something. I had to take a step back. I don't dissociate unless something is seriously wrong, obviously.

Now, I'm sure all of you are wondering just what happpened that triggered me so badly that night. I'll explain. First, those two trolls shook me up pretty badly. Like I said, I'm extremely introverted and streaming is already a struggle for me a lot of the time, even if I put on a good front and can act like it's no big deal. Inside, I'm terrified. It wears be down and wears me out. Dealing with trolls in my own stream is hard on me. (On other people's channels, I have no problems, when I'm the mod. I know it's my job and they trust me to handle things.) Secondly, there was a later troll who came into the stream who sent me a direct message, without ever addressing the stream, asking me personal questions like what I was wearing, then trying to buy my panties for insanely large amounts of money. That triggered my PTSD very badly. In college, I had had a guy attempt to sexually assulat me and call me a whore, offering me increasing large amounts of money, much the same way. I only got away because I kicked him off me and screamed for campus security, who heard me and hauled him off. I never told my family about it, mainy because I hate talking about it and don't want to bring it up. I will say though, I don't think he was getting up quickly from my kick at the time. It was before I was in a wheelchair and I had a very powerful set of legs and actively practiced kickboxing. But regardless of that, it triggered me very, very badly the other night, and I'm still suffering occassion episodes. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled very soon, and I intend on talking to her about what to do then, if things haven't gotten back to normal by then, but in the mean time, I'm immersing myself in my usually stress relieving activities and taking a short break from Twitch and twitter to get my mental health back in order.

Sadly one of the side effects of all the mental health issues I struggle with is terrible insomnia. It means many nights I'm unable to sleep, or sleep only a few hours. I know it makes my friends and family worry, but I can't help it. It's all my brain is letting me get. I nap when I can. If I try to sleep more, I have horrible, terrifying nightmares and sleep paralysis. I also just can't sleep. I'm really trying to do my best here everyone. Please know that. I appreciate the worry. Just know I'm still here, struggling on, one day at a time. That's the real meaning behind #PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) after all. Just doing my best, moving forward a day at time and not giving up. It's also why I try to pay it forward as much as I can and make sure everyone else is happy and taken care of too. Stay safe and happy everyone. I love you all!

QueenGeekRose

[jolteonjordansh]

Day 1: “Successor”

Synopsis: It’s been five years since Wes and Rui have defeated the criminal syndicate Cipher, and since their disbandment the duo have advanced their travels to a wider scale as they visit multiple regions. Upon making their recent arrival to the tropical region of Alola however, Rui discovers the potential uprising of old adversaries.

Author’s Note: It’s the first day of 2017’s Orre Week! I hope to get everything in on time, but if I don’t I’ll still be sure to post everything I have planned! This may disappoint some people, but this is pretty much the only prompt that will directly connect to the events of Pokémon Colosseum. My focus will be the events after Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness. But this is a story I wanted to get out. I should confess though: This is actually my first time drawing Wes and Rui. Okay, maybe not first time ever—I did an old comic back in elementary school regarding origin stories of this duo, but my headcanon has drastically changed since then and I can’t even find the original material. Still, this is my first time actually drawing default Wes and Rui and as much as I wish it was better, I’m mostly happy with how it turned out! Still, I never realized how ridiculous Wes’ hair is… lol

I hope we all have a great Orre Week, and I hope you guys like my contributions! I’ll admit, I’m a bit nervous as this is some of the first writing I’ve posted online in years, so I could be a bit rusty. Proceed under the break to read today’s one-shot!

His black boots trampled against the wooden stairs as Wes trekked up to the next floor, his Espeon and Umbreon trotting adjacent to his left and right. Reaching into a pocket in his blue coat, he pulled out a card as he made his way towards a door. Placing the card up against the knob, it clicked and he opened the door as he and his Pokémon companions passed through the door.

“Oh, you’re back already?”

Wes looked towards one of the beds, where Rui laid back as Espeon stood up to the side of the bed, rubbing his head against her hand with a soft purr. She was one of the few sights that could crack a genuine smile out of Wes, and he nodded as the door shut behind him. “The trainers are still pretty sparse around here, but I’ve noticed they have quite a close connection with their Pokémon, even if they’re not as challenging as some from the other region.”

“Yeah, a lot of them walk around with their Pokémon everywhere. There’s so many cute companions around here!” She giggled, looking down at the pink feline and his approaching ebony ally. “But not as cute as you two, of course.”

“Don’t spoil them Rui. They’ll become too content with all of the attention you give them.”

“Oh, relax. You keep them well-trained as it is. Just because you’re not as affectionate doesn’t mean I can’t be,” She reached her hands as she pet them both, their purrs harmonizing.

“You make it sound like I don’t care for them at all. These guys are the closest thing I have to family,” Wes sat down on the adjacent bed. “And how have you enjoyed your down time?”

“Oh, I just woke up from a nap. I can’t believe how much there is to do on Melemele Island! This place is just so beautiful, and this region still has other islands we can visit. I had to have a day to take it all in!”

“I guess this is our most relaxing visit yet. I guess you made the right decision picking it out.”

“It’s almost like if Agate Village were a whole island. I think I’m ready to pick it out for the both of us to stay here!”

“Come on, cut that out. You’re being silly,” Wes looked down and scratched underneath the chins of his companions, noticing what seemed like a pair of smirks between them. “I still want to be able to go back to Orre too. I’ve got pals to meet up with at the Outskirt Stand when we go back, if hell hasn’t frozen over and Officer Johnson hasn’t caught them.”

“I know, and I want to go see grandma and grandpa when I can too,” Rui looked over towards the TV running in the background as she held the remote out. “I do hope they’re doing alright though. The P*DA’s service doesn’t really work outside of Orre, and you know how my grandparents are with technology…”

“You’re not trying to search for the ONBS through the TV service here again, are you? You’ve done that in every region we’ve visited, and you’re never successful. I get that you’re so blown away by how many channels they all have, but ONBS just has too limited of a broadcast.”

“I just want to try, alright? Is that such a bad thing to do?”

“Well, alright. I’m just saying it’s probably a hopeless cause,” Wes shrugged as he scratched behind Espeon and Umbreon’s ears, listening to their shrills of delight as his two friends turned over towards him instead and leaned into his hands. His ears blocked out the clicking of the TV, staring into the violet and red eyes blinking at him as he gave them a gentle smile.

I do wonder how things are in Orre, His mind wandered, but easily he remembered just how little Orre had changed in his time living there. Even in his life living alongside Team Snagem, his life had been mundane. The places he saw never changed. The people barely changed. Regulations never changed. Even when Cipher had reared their ugly heads into the scene, only a handful of people took action.

The police force was nearly nonexistent after all, as Chief Sherles and Officer Johnson were the only ones who strived for any sort of peace. Only the occasional bystanders like Duking ever bothered to step in. There was the Kids’ Grid, of course, but they were just as their name implied—kids. As skilled as they were with technology, they didn’t have the resources to reach any further than Orre. For all Wes knew, they could have been continuing with their usual work behind the scenes in The Under as he and Rui continued to travel.

But Orre had found peace after he had stepped in, and that was what mattered. The usual petty crimes of bandits and lone wolves would continue throughout the region, but he wasn’t a superhero meant to handle the region’s problems. These were mere misdemeanors that would take care of themselves. The world was built to handle those who could survive in it, and nature would take its course. It was only if humanity strayed nature too far from its course that it required such interference.

Still, I can’t help but wish to see Orre improve for the better. Solving everyone’s problems is a nice thought, just not feasible, He ruffled his hands against Espeon and Umbreon’s heads. I suppose it’s just best to believe Orre is on a road towards improvement.

“Wes!”

He lifted his head up at the sound of her gasp. “What? You didn’t seriously find it, did you?”

“In a way, but… Not in a way I was hoping. Look!”

As Rui sat up and pointed towards the screen, like an excited child pointing out her favorite superhero, what she pointed towards was nothing to be thrilled for. A bold red banner laid at the bottom of the screen, reading its news report.

“Orre News Broadcast Station Attempts ‘Shadow Pokémon’ Hoax”

“What…?” The words squeezed out of Wes�� mouth like a ghastly breath.

“Today on the Pokémon Conspiracy Network, we have probably one of our strangest stories in years,” A red-haired woman appeared on camera as video footage played to the left of her. “From the obscure ‘Orre Region’, we received word of supposed news reports of an entire city being taken over by a criminal organization named Cipher, with weapons the news station— ONBS—has reported as ‘Shadow Pokémon’.”

“Why would ONBS report false news? I know they weren’t the most accurate when I blew Gonzap’s base, but this doesn’t sound right…” Wes mumbled.

“If this story sounds crazy enough to you, don’t take our word for it—Here’s the full footage of ONBS’ supposed news report,” The camera panned away from the woman as the video to her left then filled the screen. It was the usual ONBS set-up, but rather than having the station’s standard broadcast woman reporting the news, a somewhat familiar brown-haired boy sat alongside a monitor playing back footage, with the young narrator beginning his speech.

“Hello, viewers! This is Secc, ONBS’ Director. We bring you a special scoop.”

“No way… That’s Secc? He really grew up!” Rui exclaimed.

“And he’s ONBS’ Director? I guess that was only a natural progression for him in Orre, the kid being so smart…” Wes then rose his hand in a gentle hushing manner, as Rui’s voice calmed to whispers of disbelief.

“The courageous actions of a young boy thwarted a group of Cipher operatives who had infiltrated Phenac City,” The monitor’s camera then panned towards a young boy with long red hair clad in yellow, a strange mechanical arm adorning the left half of his body. “This footage shows the boy and his Pokémon driving off a top Cipher Admin from the city’s Stadium.”

Wait, that machine… That can’t be…! Wes’ eyes widened as the robotic arm caught his attention, subconsciously glancing towards his own left arm to the machine that he wore as rusty armor, his voice reduced to a raspy whisper. “That’s Phenac City, no doubt about it…”

“I don’t think we ever saw that guy from Cipher though. He… kind of looks like Ein had a little too much fun at a costume party,” Rui said.

“He’s got a weird get-up, I’ll give you that,” Wes added.

“Cipher had been trying to take over the entire city by replacing its citizens with the syndicate’s members,” Secc continued. “ONBS was also targeted for takeover by Cipher. Despite this setback, Cipher appears to be growing more active.”

“Wait, they tried to take over ONBS too!?” Rui piped up.

“So did Venus try that nonsense again? At least it sounds like Orre’s smartened up to know not to let them influence them… I bet the whole Kids’ Gridd works for ONBS now. That’s why they managed to actually capture good coverage of Cipher… if this is real.”

“Wes, you don’t really think Secc would fake thi—“

“Hang on, let it finish Rui.”

“The authorities have issued a caution to all citizens and organizations to be alert to the possibility of further attacks,” Secc said. “As you have seen, Cipher has returned with a vengeance. The entire Orre Region is endangered again. ONBS promises to doggedly pursue this story and provide you with the most accurate information on Cipher’s actions,” A look of determination flashed into Secc’s eyes, one Wes recognized from nearly half a decade ago. “We must not allow Cipher to carry out its conspiracy of fear. Let us all protect the peace of Orre with courage!”

And with a final outcry, the video faded to black, returning to the red-haired woman at the center stage of the TV recording. “The ONBS report was sent to multiple news stations from Kanto to Hoenn. However, most officials have dictated the footage to be false and controversial at best. The so-called ‘Shadow Pokémon’ that were reported could not be seen in the footage, as the battle seemed no different than any other Pokémon battle,” The woman explained. “The obvious bias towards the Orre Region and justice for it also leads officials to believe that the report was put together to gather attention towards a region even I have never heard of before.”

“Of course that battle seemed regular to you guys!” Rui’s face turned red with anger as she found herself getting up out of bed. “Normal humans can’t see Shadow Pokémon! You wouldn’t know the difference unless you watched the battle closer!”

“Rui…” Wes murmured.

“While the report talks as if these attacks have happened before, we could not find any evidence of such incidents between several news stations through multiple regions. It seems the whole ‘issue’ is a self-contained show with over the top acting, particularly with the ridiculous cloaked man. For now, the ‘Cipher’ reports are being dismissed. We’ll show you what other locals had to say after seeing this stage sho—“

The TV blinked off as Rui held out the remote, slamming it down next to the TV as she turned around to Wes. “I can’t believe these people! The ONBS is actually reaching out to other places in the world and they won’t listen because Cipher’s work has always been so under-handed and secretive! How was any of that fake!? Secc and the other kids would never lie and spread it around like that!”

“Rui, you need to calm down. You’re hardly rational right now,” Wes hushed.

“I’m not rational!? Wes, you should be mad too! That’s our home these conspiracy jerks are talking down about, and our friends too! They’re hardly being reasonable about this to! And everyone could all be in grave danger but no one else is bothering to get involved!”

“Rui,” Wes stood up as he placed a finger on her lips, immediately silencing her ranting. “Let’s think through this, alright?”

Her shoulders slouching, Rui sighed as she looked up at Wes with her blue eyes crying of despair. “Wes, I just… I can’t believe this is happening again, and we weren’t there for it… What if this has been going on since we left?”

“I can’t imagine it’s been going on for that long. I know our connection with Orre has been limited in the last five years, but we’ve found ways to send e-mails at some places with wired connections. I would have gotten an urgent message back when we visited the PokéCom Center in Johto last year. It must have been within the last few months at most.”

“I guess… But do you really think this was faked?”

“No, I think there’s some legitimate news here. Sure, Secc was pretty vocal about justice for Orre, but… He’s not wrong. And I wouldn’t put it past Cipher to take over a city. Evice posed as mayor for Phenac City all while we remained unaware, and they built a whole tower for themselves. They have resources and connections, without a doubt.”

“Yeah, this has to be legit… But it doesn’t look like Orre is completely vulnerable.”

“You’re right. They had a boy fighting that Cipher Admin, not to mention that mechanical arm…”

Rui nearly felt her soul leap right out of her skin as she recalled the machine Wes had just pointed out to her. “Wait, you don’t think that was a…!?”

Wes nodded. “It’s got all the parts. That kid had a Snag Machine on him, no doubt about it.”

“Do you think maybe Team Snagem is working with Cipher again, and that boy got his hands on their Snag Machine?”

Wes snickered. “That thing looked way too fancy to be Snagem’s handiwork. Besides, they’d practically fallen apart by the time we left, but the Old Man insisted he’d bring Team Snagem back. Besides, after Cipher made a fool of themselves, he’s got bad blood with them. He told me all about it before we left.”

“So you went to see Gonzap even after everything that happened? Wouldn’t he have bad blood towards you?”

Wes shrugged. “It is what it is. I figured I’d at least try to set things straight with him. Either way, that kid doesn’t really look like Snagem material. Gonzap was barely willing to take me in at my age as it was. That Snag Machine was probably reverse engineered somehow, I’m sure. And if the boy fought off a Cipher Admin, sounds like he’s doing a lot of the dirty work.”

“I guess so… But I can’t believe Cipher would return, and with more Shadow Pokémon too…”

“Were you able to tell if that crony was using a Shadow Pokémon? Or maybe that kid?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t really tell but the battle was pretty violent… Maybe since the footage is recorded and I’m not seeing the Pokémon directly, I couldn’t see the black aura around it.”

“I see… I guess that only makes sense,” Wes looked out towards the window, his yellow eyes gazing out away from Rui. “ It’s in their hands then.”

“In their hands!? That’s all you have to say!? Wes, we need to go back there and help! We can’t just leave Orre’s people and our friends and family out there to just deal with it!”

“What do you propose we do then?” Wes gave her a sharp glare. “You know as well as I do that finding a ferry that takes us back to Orre only comes once in a blue moon in regions like this. And there’s certainly no airports nearby. We couldn’t afford a private jet even if we wanted to.”

“What about your Skarmory? She can fly us there, can’t she?”

“She couldn’t fly two people to a far off region efficiently, that’s for sure. I can’t put that kind of stress on her.”

“But Wes, if we just try—“

“Rui,” All Wes needed to do was firmly say her name for her to realize she needed to calm down. There was a stiff silence between them, Rui’s heart dropping to the pit of her stomach as she began to understand Wes’ logic was sound—far more than her rampant emotions.

The silence held as if the legendary Celebi had entered the room, with time itself frozen to a halt. Umbreon and Espeon stared up towards the argument of their two human friends, but remained neutral with their own sense of tact. Only the soft sound of Wes’ feet shuffling and turning towards the door could be heard among them.

“Wes, I’m sorry. I just…” Rui broke the silence as Wes had turned away from her. “I want to help everyone back home. I can’t stand the thought of thinking they might be in trouble. I don’t know what I’d do if Cipher took over Agate Village and did something to grandma and grandpa.”

“I know it’s frustrating,” He extended his right arm out, as if signaling her to hush, but now with a sense of understanding. “I want safety for Orre too. There’s a reason I left Team Snagem so many years ago—I understood how important its people and Pokémon were. But we’re not in a position right now.”

Rui had no response. She didn’t have to remind him that he was right. He already knew, and she did too.

“But you have to remember too, just because we’re not there doesn’t mean Orre is helpless. I think it’s fair we give the rookie a chance.”

“Oh, the kid? You really think he can handle it though?” Rui asked.

“The footage spoke for itself, don’t you think?” Wes grinned. “He fought pretty well with his Pokémon, and defeated a Cipher Admin. It seems like he has the tools, especially if the Kids’ Grid have made connections with him.”

“You’re right… You always seem to figure things out quick, don’t you Wes?”

“I’ve got street smarts. That’s about as well as I can put it,” Wes turned back to her as he placed one of his hands over her shoulders, then gently bringing her into a supportive embrace. “I’m sorry if I came off as cruel. Why don’t we try to find a place like the PokéCom Center and connect my P*DA so we can communicate with the others? If we can do that, we can at least see if we need to make drastic measures to intervene and make sure everyone else is okay.”

“Yeah… That sounds good. Maybe we should go start asking around?”

“Sounds good to me,” Wes released Rui from her grasp, though reaching and holding her hand in support. “It’ll all be okay. I’m sure of it. And if worst comes to worst, we’ll make sure to fix everything.”

Rui nodded, as her eyes suddenly lit up. “Hey, maybe we can even spread awareness outside to the other regions so people believe that it’s true! We can tell them it’s no hoax!”

“I’m not sure how much they’ll believe us. To the rest of the world, we’re nobodies. But I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”

“Come on then, we shouldn’t waste time! Let’s get going!” Rui grasped Wes’ hand as she charged towards the door, Wes feeling his body being thrown forward along with her. Standing back up, Umbreon and Espeon yipped and skipped along as they followed after their master and his companion. The discovery of such a dire situation was disheartening to be sure, and perhaps now their master had more work to do.

But a new hero had stepped forward now, one they had now decided to place their trust into for the sake of the Orre Region.

[bryonysimcox]

The Art of Making Art: Week 22, Spain

Art is a powerful tool. This last week and a half I’ve been reminded of that, and making collage has served as a creative outlet and a focus for my energy.

We’re now in ‘Phase 3’ of de-escalation here in Spain. Generally, life feels pretty ‘normal’, though it’s hard to judge as George and I weren’t necessarily living particularly conventional lives to begin with. What I do know is we can enjoy walks around the town of Corbera, go to shops and bars, and that those small liberties feel like grand luxuries in the context of the weeks of lockdown we endured earlier this year. I’ve been focussing my time on collage, and have a number of pieces and projects on the go. These include my second-ever solo exhibition, which opens tomorrow night!

Since my last blog post, life has trotted on as usual. We’re still staying in our friend’s apartment which is a comforting foundation when every other part of life feels up in the air. I’d be lying if I said I was perky every day, but as time passes and we come to realise there will be no momentous end to ‘lockdown’, I count my blessings and remain grateful at least for the temporary base we have here near Valencia. We still don’t feel confident living in the van under the current controls, but also have some work scheduled here with Broaden over the coming months which means we wouldn’t be on the road yet anyway.

(images, left to right) Our first morning swim at Cullera beach, our first time into the city centre of Valencia since lockdown, and a rare moment back in our happy place driving the van.

We’ve been watching ‘Grayson Perry’s Art Club’ and it’s fantastic.

For those of you who didn’t catch the show on Channel 4, I highly recommend you watch it. The six-part series follows Grayson and his wife Phillipa in their studio, and features interviews with various celebrity guests as well as art submitted by the British public during lockdown. The show displays the wonderful breadth of mediums and subjects which can serve creativity, and is at once light-hearted, joyous, accessible and insightful.

For me, what made watching this show so special was that it reminded me of the power of making. Grayson draws various conclusions along the way about why we make art and what drives us to create, and at one point he says “the person who gets the most out of art is the person who makes it”. This idea really resonated with me, and is perhaps the reason why I’ve ended up making more collage than I probably ever have before whilst in lockdown.

Collage has taken on new dimensions for me as a way to escape. It’s a means of expression without having to use words or defined thought.

The world can feel like a noisy and overwhelming place right now. I wrote a week and a half ago about the need to address systemic problems like racism and the importance of pushing on in an attempt to make the world a better place. In the knowledge that these challenges will prevail, even in different forms, art offers me a bit of headspace and separation from it all. As my collages are colourful and surreal, they often end up injecting some positivity and humour into my life (a much-needed antidote to taking things too seriously). Perhaps playful art has an important role to play in trying times?

(images, left to right) Mounting collages ready for framing, making my most recent piece, ‘Eat Your Breakfast’, and hanging the framed collages in MiKENGO cafe.

Making art can also build bridges to others.

I’ve generally found the collage community to be a really welcoming one, and have connected with so many other collage artists (mainly through Instagram) each of whom have their own personal style. It’s interesting to see the trends in different places too - there seem to be a lot of collage artists in Central and South America for example, and the artform also seems to attract more women than men (I’m not sure what’s driving that though?).

One fantastic example of the collage community and the power of the internet has been ‘Cut It Out’, an online collage exhibition I’m part of (and was invited to by another collage artist who I met online!). Drawing together artists around the world and with 265 pieces in total which are all up for sale, ‘Cut It Out’ is the brainchild of Kate Hulett. Kate is the owner of the store Kate & Abel (located in Fremantle, Western Australia), and the innovation and drive she had to set up a collective digital show is probably what inspired me to organise my own solo collage show which opens this week (more about that later). It’s been a wonderful experience meeting other collage artists through the show, and a pleasure to have sold a piece through the site too. If you want to take a peek at all the work still up for sale, it runs until the 5th July.

(image) ‘This Is Your Cathedral’ on exhibition and up for sale at ‘Cut It Out’.

Everyone makes art in their own particular way.

Another resounding message from the Grayson Perry show is that there is no ‘right’ way to do art. A refreshing contrast to the stuffy art-talk and sense of exclusion the art world can exude, Grayson showcased so many people each making things in their own particular way.

My particular ‘way’ is that I love working within defined boundaries. Restrictions give me space to innovate in other ways, and I like the idea of pushing one format again and again to see how much it has to offer. If one day it seemed that my collages were no longer saying something ‘new’ to me each time I made a new piece, I’d be ready to move on, perhaps working at a different scale or with different materials. But for now, those boundaries actually give me freedom and give my work a specific ‘look and feel’ too.

Bryony’s collage criteria:

Artworks are square

Artworks are 21 x 21cm (notwithstanding a handful of slightly larger pieces)

Artworks are analogue (i.e. cut by hand, stuck by hand, using physical paper)

No post-production (apart from digital scanning and some colour correcting)

Process is free-flowing and doesn’t start with a pre-determined outcome

Avoid overthinking (especially when naming pieces!)

With these boundaries as my guiding framework, I’ve been busy making collages since Spain entered the ‘Estado del Alarma’. As well as the eight that are in ‘Cut It Out’, I had made various others and it was when I started to look at the collection as a whole that I thought about the idea of doing a solo exhibition.

Inspired by ‘Cut It Out’ and encouraged by the return to normality in Spain, I set the wheels in motion for a small solo exhibition. And now, the show is a reality and it opens tomorrow night!

My mum has always told me to actively search out opportunities and ‘make sh*t happen’ - a mantra I probably had in mind when I approached MiKENGO cafe in Valencia and asked how they’d feel about having my art on their walls! This moment of optimism paid off when the lovely couple who run the cafe said yes and then all of a sudden I was having a show… and that’s how ‘Stop Making Sense’ was born.

Since then, I’ve been somewhat frantically sourcing frames, mounting pieces and working out layouts for the exhibition. Then at the start of this week, I hung the pieces (which would’ve been impossible without George my trusty art assistant). While it’s been a busy few days, it’s also been a welcome change to have an actual physical event to be planning for and looking forward to. The act of not only making art, but exhibiting it has kept me going and now tomorrow is the big night! I never have a clue who’s reading this blog, but if you live in Valencia and fancy an evening out, please do join us at MiKENGO cafe, 6:00pm til 8:0pm on 25th June. For the rest of you, I’ll be live-streaming a small tour of the show at 5:30pm (Spain time, that’s 4:30pm in the UK) over on the Analogue Bryony page and it’d be great to see you there!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Bryony (@analoguebryony) on Jun 18, 2020 at 3:50am PDT

I wanted the show to be an antidote to the gravity of the current world. I’ll be exhibiting a mix of pieces I’ve made from as far back as 2016 when I started making work as ‘Analogue Bryony’ right up to work I’ve made in the last fortnight. Reflecting on the pieces, I realised the common thread was that I was inviting the viewer to suspend reality, even just for a while, and to stop making sense.

While ‘Stop Making Sense’ is really just ten small bits of paper stuck on a wall in a cafe, it’s also a small victory. I hope the least that it does is give others the courage to make and exhibit too.

As Grayson Perry said, “the person who gets the most out of art is the person who makes it”. Being part of ‘Cut It Out’, planning ‘Stop Making Sense’ and making collages for myself or as commissions definitely gives me meaning. Even if no-one else likes them, there is something about the self-expression the collages offer which is unrivalled by any other activity - not even writing this blog (which can actually even be a real headache because it relies on words and literal descriptions!).

(image) The artwork for ‘She’, a commission for Fleur Rouge’s latest single which you can listen to here.

Perhaps my desire is that through lockdown, through programs like Graysons, through seeing my exhibition or through just having a play with some materials at home, other people can start to tap into the incredible power of making art too. Whether it’s for self-expression, making sense of the world or even escaping from it, art will be a crucial tool as we carve a path beyond 2020 and Covid-19.

[basedonatruestory-official]

CHAPTER FIVE: FEEL MY T-SHIRT, IT’S MADE OF BOYFRIEND MATERIAL

“How was your first day?”

“It was great! We didn’t do much, it was a sort of presentation of the courses. Still, it was pretty exciting," my bag hits the floor as I walk inside my room.

“You’ll have to let me know your schedule so I can prepare lunch boxes for you,” my mom states while placing a dish on the kitchen table.

“Yeah, I still have to figure that out. I met a girl who is attending the same courses as me, so we’ll do that together,” I reply, sitting down to eat, “Bloody hell, no wonder I’m starving! It’s already 2.30 pm!”

I scroll through my social media as I chew on my food when a notification pops up on my screen:

BB: hey i’m on my break

BB: what r u doing

I immediately smile and reply to the texts.

You: Heeyyy I’m having lunch

You: guess who just got back from her first day at university (:

BB: omg how did it go?!

You: it was great! how’s work going?

BB: i’m exhausted :(

BB: i’m happy it went well btw

BB: met anyone?

You: actually yes! I sat next to a girl who turned out to be attending all the same courses as me

BB: lucky

BB: gtg back 2 work

You: alright talk later, love you

I finish eating and lie on my bed with my laptop. Noticing a new friend request, I click on it, seeing Shannon’s profile open up, and I accept. I activate my stalker mode and check out her recent photos; in her current profile picture, she’s smiling while laying on a green lawn. Not realising she’s online, I’m startled when she messages me about writing down our schedule together. Not that she would know I was spying on her profile. We text for almost an hour and I can already tell we’re going to get along. There’s also something about her that feels familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Christmas break is drawing nearer and the first tests make all my classmates jittery, which is probably the reason why they’re all huddled up when Maggie and I step inside the classroom this morning. The room goes quiet and I catch Midge peeking at us when we sit down on our respective seats, along with most of the other girls.

“What’s up with them?” I ask Maggie, turning around.

She simply shrugs without meeting my eyes and I pause for a second, trying to figure out what’s going on. When I see that my friend has no intention of saying anything, I go back to facing the blackboard and start having a somewhat queasy feeling about all of it. Is Maggie’s radio silence related to the chatter from earlier?

It’s only after the first period that Beca stops me outside of the classroom and decides to let me in on the gossip of the day.

“They went on a date.”

“I’m sorry, who?” I ask while holding up one hand to let Maggie know I’ll catch up with her soon.

“Maggie and Jacob. That’s what everyone is talking about today.”

I blink a few times without saying anything. My mind is racing, as well as my heart. Beca must think I’m having a stroke.

After what feels like forever, I ask, “Are you sure?”

I pose the question in hopes it’s just a rumour.

“Pretty sure. Can’t see why it would be so exciting for other people, but I heard it clearly from Amanda.”

“Thanks.”

I stride across the hallways and quickly reach the lab where we’re about to start the second period. Maggie is waiting for me outside.

“A date? Really?” I don’t raise my voice - I never do - but my tone catches her off guard.

“Who told you?” She sighs after the initial surprise.

“Doesn’t matter. The question is, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why do you even care?”

“I thought boys were stupid.”

“Yeah, well, it’s none of your business.”

“Fine. Stupid of me to think we were friends.”

I storm inside without waiting for a reply, taking the first empty seat I find. Everyone’s eyes are on me - I can feel them - especially when Maggie gets in and sits on the opposite side of the room.

I manage to stay focused throughout the whole class and I even get a compliment from Miss Randall when I answer some of her questions.

•••

Spending lunch break alone is not new to me, but I’ve been eating with Maggie since school started and it feels very lonely now.

“Hi, Robin! Do you mind if we sit with you?”

Vanessa’s cheery voice startles me, coming up to my table from behind me.

“No, not at all.”

There’s a girl with her, I can’t remember her name even though she’s in class with us. At least I’m not alone anymore.

We begin to eat in silence after Vanessa murmurs “bon appetit” and I soon wish I was indeed alone because the atmosphere grows awkward very soon. I clear my throat and take a sip of water, then I ultimately decide to overcome my shyness and introduce myself.

“I don’t think we’ve met properly before, by the way. I’m Robin, nice to meet you.”

“I’m Katherine. I only know Vanessa really, we’ve been friends since nursery school.” She shakes my hand and then leans on Vanessa’s shoulder. That’s when they both start reminiscing about the fun afternoons they shared together when they were little girls; Katherine’s voice is the opposite of Vanessa’s, it makes its way to my eardrums and grates on them with its twang. Or maybe I’m just in a bad enough mood to be bothered by small things.

When I see Beca walking by, though, I call her over and invite her to sit with us. The awkward silence makes a comeback and I’m starting to lose hope - and patience - but it turns out to be short-lived. Sure enough, I spot a few seniors talking to some of our classmates and Beca seems to notice.

“Yeah, apparently Amanda is dating a senior,” she states in her usual toneless voice.

“How do you know that? You’re always so… quiet,” Katherine asks, and I can tell she’s trying not to be insensitive.

Beca shrugs, but I see right through her, She knows everything that happens around her precisely because she’s quiet. The quiet ones always know more than they let on. I know because I was like her, except for the poker face.

Shrieks suddenly drown out the low hum of the cafeteria and we turn towards their source, Amanda and her friends. Some people start gathering around the group, we look at each other briefly before joining them.

“Come on baby, tell them! Tell them what you just told me!” Amanda screeches.

“You didn’t hear it from me, but word has it that Mr Dwight and Miss Randall are in a relationship. Well, actually, you can say you heard it from me, got to maintain my reputation.”

All of a sudden, I feel less worried about all the exams I have yet to pass - if he did, so can I.

Everyone starts enthusing over the new scandal and, I have to admit, I find it funny myself; Mr Dwight looks like a middle-aged fuck boy and Miss Randall dresses like a sixteen-year-old, even though she’s almost fifty.

While everyone else is busy talking with each other, I notice in the corner of my eye two people arguing. It’s Maggie and Jacob. He keeps trying to get closer to her and she keeps backing away. Some guy interrupts my eye contact and I lose sight of Maggie, while Jacob is standing still with his hands in his pockets. I was so focused on them that I haven’t noticed how everyone else is moving hurriedly away from the cafeteria. Just as I was joining the others, I catch a glimpse of Maggie in the bathroom and decide to check on her. She’s standing at the sink and her face is wet; if she were wearing any makeup it would be completely ruined.

“Everything okay?”

“Yep,” she jumps slightly at my voice and replies shortly. I sigh as she walks out past me without looking up.

“What are you doing?”

It’s my turn to get scared, but I quickly relax when I see it’s just Beca.

“I was just… Never mind.”

“Are you coming?”

“Where?”

“The locker room. The seniors have spotted Mr Dwight and Miss Randall going inside.”

I nod and we catch up with the others; there must be at least eighty people swarming the gym, Maggie included. Most kids are trying to get closer to get a better look, but we’re all very careful not to make any noises.

Amanda’s boyfriend approaches the door and we all hold our breaths; he opens it abruptly and the scene in front of my eyes is something I will never forget. Miss Randall lets out a scream and covers her face - of all body parts you could have covered you choose your face? - while Mr Dwight recovers from the initial shock and shows us his most blinding smile. Pictures of Miss Randal’s naked, bent-over body are being taken and principal Paulstone is quick to arrive at the crime scene, dispersing the curious crowd.

The following day Maggie is still avoiding me and the situation is proving to be unbearable. Midge is all over Jacob during the first period, so I confront Maggie about it as soon as class ends.

“Maggie, wait!”

She stops and turns around, but doesn’t say anything.

“Look, I’m sorry. I overreacted yesterday. I felt hurt because you didn’t confide in me and I had to find out from Beca.”

“Beca? I thought that other girl told you, I can’t remember her name,” she chuckles. Seeing her relax makes me feel relieved.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, he was just being a little too persistent. We didn’t go on a date, by the way, he just showed up at my house with some flowers.”

“How does he know where you live?”

“A friend of his saw me when we went on the school trip.”

“Huh, creepy.”

“Yeah… I’m sorry I shut you out. Wanna come by my place this afternoon?”

“Sure, let me ask my mom.”

The rest of the day can’t pass any slower after my mom tells me I can go to Maggie’s, but we eventually find ourselves walking past the school gates.

“There should be no one home. Jasper is at soccer practice.”

“I think you mean football,” I grin and she looks at me as if she wants to look threatening, but I can tell she’s amused.

After getting home and certifying that no one is, in fact, home, I settle comfortably on the living room couch. Maggie seems to be having other plans though because she takes our bags to her room.

“C’mon, get up.”

“O-kay.”

“Come with me,” she says as she goes to the door.

“Shouldn’t we get our bags?”

“No, no. Leave ‘em.”

I’m about to retort that if we’re going out we should at least take our wallets with us, but I decide to trust Maggie and join her outside. She motions for me to follow her through an emergency door and up two flights of stairs, so I do. We get to another door, that she opens with her keys, and we are inside the building’s garrett. It’s dark and cold, but there’s some sunlight coming in from a small window at the end of the room. We reach the window and my friend uses her keys once again to unlock it, then hands them to me to open it. I’m looking around because attics and similar places have always creeped me out; when I turn back towards the window, Maggie is crouched outside of it and my eyes feel like they’re about to pop out of my skull.

“Here, gimme the keys.”

“I’m sorry, where are you standing right now?” I ask slightly worried. ‘Slightly’ because she seems to be doing great.

“Oh, right, you’re short,” knowing I get pissed off when people comment on my height, she grins.

“This window accesses the roof, which is where I’m standing.”

I stretch out my neck to try and see something more, but without success.

“You coming?”

“Yeah, just - Don’t make fun of me,” I try to look intimidating - ‘try’ being the keyword.

“I would never.”

I pull myself up and struggle with getting through, but Maggie helps me - while snickering, of course.

“I’m five feet tall, give me a break,” I state defensively while standing up.

“Yeah, yeah. Look around, grumpy pants.”

My breath catches in my throat at the sight before me; I can see the entire city and how the sun paints the buildings orange.

“Not bad, huh?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah… This is my place. I never take anyone here so you should feel pretty special,” she looks down and her hair covers her face in a way that doesn’t let me see her soft laugh.

“I do. Thank you,” I reply honestly, looking back at the skyline.

“I think that’s my house,” I point at some buildings I see in the distance.

We spend some time looking out for places we know, including our very close school, and eventually end up laying on our backs, gazing at the evening sky.

“I saw you were having lunch with Vanessa yesterday.”

Do I sense some jealousy?

“Yeah, she was with her friend, Katherine. They talked the whole time about how they spent their afternoons in nursery school.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, they’ve been friends for a long time, apparently.”

“And what did you say?”

“Nothing! I was just waiting for it to be over. I called over Beca in hopes she could provide some more interesting topics to discuss.”

“I bet that turned out great.”

“Ha ha.”

“Psst. Beca. You should have called me over.”

“Yeah, well, you were busy ignoring me and talking to your wannabe boyfriend.”

“Ugh, please don’t say that.”

“What? Boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Only if you stop calling me short.”

“Wait, you know I never meant to make fun of you.”

“Yes, I know.”

“In that case… deal.”

“Good.”

“I wouldn’t want an angry little Brit against me.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

•••

“Which way are you going?”

“That way.”

“Great, we can walk together then,” Shannon smiles warmly, “I’m actually meeting my boyfriend, but this is the way I would go to get home anyway,” she explains.

“Does he study?”

“No, he works nearby. We barely see each other because his shifts are crazy, so I try to go to his workplace as often as I can.”

Read on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/882264365-based-on-a-true-story-chapter-five-feel-my-t-shirt

[finsterhund]

Finsterhund’s 2017 Summary of Art (and by extension, the rest of my life)

I’d be lying if I said that 2017 wasn’t an incredibly difficult year for the easily excitable finsterhund but it was also a very productive year for my art. I’m not going to deny that. A lot of issues came about that pushed me really hard, and I did break, but I mended too. I grew stronger in some ways. My writing took a nosedive and I’m not sure how to repair that, but my art, well... this is the first time I’ve ever done one of these. That should speak for itself.

In some months it was difficult to pick which one. I decided against choosing ones that may have been partially rotoscoped (such as my reaction images and most memes) and also because I tend to draw too similar to reference images I use. So no redraws of blurry HoD concept art or stuff.

January: [x]

This was supposed to be the picture for holidays 2016 but I’m a lazy earth boy who must’ve been slacking off because I finished and posted it right on January first! I remember at the time I was really proud of this one, and spent a lot of time on it. It was drawn traditionally and then scanned and digitized in GIMP... yes gimp. Fishy loved it and that made me happy. Nowadays I can pick apart so many flaws, especially in Andy. The lines look so shaky! Maybe I’ll redraw it for January 1st 2018! Assuming I don’t slack off again.

February: [x]

It was hard picking one from this month because I didn’t really like my drawings from then. Here’s art in paint of Red Spot eating a burger. I used to draw him with food when I was hungry for a while. Mmmmmm borger.

March: [x]

This is the month things started to take a nosedive. There was lots of good things happening, but some bad stuff too. A few new problems arose, but at the time the biggest was I found out my birth mom was being evicted and I would have to help her clear the old house. THAT old house. I retreated heavily into my artistic comforts and drew a lot of pictures of Red Spot being comforting and supportive to Andy. Red was created for that purpose after all, and Andy being a character I so closely identify with ended up being the comfort I needed especially then. Despite its crudeness in ms paint I do love this picture and should redraw it in Sai at some point.

April: [x]

The trials I had to face were unreal this month. The Wannabe War(tm) is well underway, and the time to return to the old house rapidly approached. I drew like there was no tomorrow, and these paint pictures were the best. Smoother lines, and more detail. When the time came to face that house things got ugly. Mom hid that my dog Jack had been dead for over half a year and broke the news only when I became distraught when I arrived and he didn’t come when I called him. My fixation on the “monkey’s paw” that was ruining everything I ever wished for started around here, and I kept breaking down. Bad regressing back to before I left that place happened. But something else did too. I DIDN’T. STOP. DRAWING. I drew more and more. Choosing to bring my laptop allowed me to make more pictures. A lot of Red Spot and Andy comfort ones, some mean little immature vent comics, and memes. Lots of memes. I was able to do the job I went there to do and returned home exhausted but VICTORIOUS. My art? Well I think I actually improved a lot then. It was predominantly due to surviving in spite of everything and the sheer volume of cruddy little paint drawings. I didn’t want to pick a mean comic and already had one ms paint Andy and Red picture in this line up so here’s a surprisingly detailed xenomorph queen being licked by a prequel era character who is a massive spoiler. Not only were both characters very complicated to draw, but I’m genuinely shocked I was able to draw an xenomorph at all.

May: [x]

After the painful embarrassment of April I tried really hard to relax. I was still really scared and anxious about the Wannabe incident, but it had more or less turned into a post-arms race stalemate where he wasn’t really doing anything and I just had my weapons of mass destruction pointed at him with my grubby little orange paw over the launch button which is where things have been ever since. My art took a relaxation break, but it was still steadily getting better. Late May I wanted to come up with a reason to actually celebrate my birthday (June 3rd) so I did a silly little “June is International Heart of Darkness month” post featuring Red and Andy sharing a slice of chocolate cake. I went on to say that June 3rd was “International draw heart of darkness fan art” day (real smooth you egocentric mutt) but I thought it’d be a good way to actually celebrate the day but make it about the video game that gave me a reason to live another year instead of about me aging, as I openly hate that I grow older.

June: [x]

A few of my friends drew HoD stuff this month, but a lot of my friends were busy due to jobs, school, life, etc. We used to be a lot more active in 2015 and even in 2016 so this did hit me pretty hard. As a result, I become very frustrated and out of spite decide it’s finally time to test my “new toy.” I don’t remember when Kale actually gave me his old tablet, but in June I finally install its drivers, get a copy of paint tool sai, and draw a lot with it. At first I hate these pictures and go back to paint whenever possible. There’s something wrong with my copy of sai and windows 10 doesn’t like the drivers. But I push myself, and I start to make more pictures of Andy, Whisky, Red Spot, etc. Not a lot of my early Sai pictures ever got posted or even made it past the inking stage, but one night I just couldn’t sleep so I drew Andy cradled in the crook of Red’s wing and got it to the flat colors stage.

July: [x]

I try to calm down. it’s a good month I think. Not much happens. It’s the month I finally give myself a new fursona. I decided that Red Spot isn’t “me” and I can’t use Andy in furry communities so I come up with a solution. It... it’s just Andy as a doberman. It’s a little orange doberman that wears a red bandanna and Andy’s hat... Doberman Andy. But he’s cute, and I can draw him, and so I do draw him. And he helps me get better at drawing in Sai.

August: [x]

The month of the solar eclipse! Me and my friend were going to go down to the US to see it together and... nope... that plan fell through. It makes me a brat, but that’s okay because I can just draw six hundred thousand drawings of Andy. That’ll help me feel better. I ended up having a sabbatical from my blog after some people on tumblr began to bother me and I put up a drawing of Andy’s shoe so nobody could go in. This is an MS Paint picture! Sadly, I’ve stopped really drawing in the program. I like how I did Andy’s face even if his hat and hair weren’t the best.

September: [x]

I return from my sabbatical and begin to spam my tumblr with Andy drawings I’m making in paint tool sai. The quality and style of Andy in these pictures varies drastically as I try a whole manner of new things. At one point I make a post that has five color pictures of Andy in it. It’s slowly becoming difficult to pick which picture I wanted to put here. Not because I didn’t like any, but because I liked too many. SMOL Andy was probably my favourite of the bunch. I made him more chibi and cute than I normally do. It was on accident but I thought he was too cute to go back and make him more on-model.

October: [x]

I was supposed to do an Andy version of Inktober but I guess the extreme amount of Andy pictures was a September thing because I burned out relatively quickly. I had some drama involving a prototype disc and also ended up having to pay way too much extra money every month until further notice but it’s a relatively calm month all things considering. The way I drew Andy in this art isn’t particularly stellar, but I love what I did with Red’s mouth and nose. I wanted to show that the way I draw Red improved too.

November: [x]

My chronic pain gets worse for no good reason, I get a very disturbing creeper threatening me online, and I’m generally depressed, but I’m drawing. That’s good. I start a new revolutionary technique when I rely almost entirely on the cinematics as reference and don’t reference other cartoon styles whenever I can when it comes to drawing Andy. I enjoy the result. Drawing him in a cute penguin-themed suit made my day. It was so hard to decide which one to pick this month. I loved so many of them.

December: [x]

Like November, but somewhat better I think. I’m still drawing Andy a lot, with Red coming along for the ride too. This one I tried to draw Andy in a more Disney-like style. I love how I did his face and freckles. The drawing of Whisky from the same post is great too. I look at a lot of my newer drawings and feel genuinely pleased with the result. I think I actually am improving, and whilst I think it is due a lot to getting sai and a tablet, it can also be because I’m becoming more skilled and getting more practice as well. Lets hope the new year brings us smooth sailing, lots of fun, and happy times our way. HoD will be 20 in 2018 and I’m ready to bring the subject of my love and joy a great two decade celebration.

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 3 - “hopefully failure does not turn into fracture” - John

Dylan C

oh nvm, it was Jack lol

Timmy

I was half a second from muting Ellie on my own during the tribal. Also JACK LEFT 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

John

first vote, check. first blindside, check. feels good knowing i helped spearhead the vote flip from stephen onto jack, but if jack comes back he might be out for blood. luckily enough for us worms, the vote morphed into a 7/1 landslide, so he might come after maynor or stephen or keith before me and my peeps. but only time will tell.

Timmy

ELLIE DRINK WATER CHALLENGE, DO THAT CHALLENGE

Keith John

Last night was a tough vote. Jack made people paranoid. Even though i wanted him to stay. No one in my alliance felt easy with him. Even though i wanted jack around as he was good in chllenge and wanted to work with me. But it is what it is. 

Raffy

I finally managed to get into an alliance with Ellie and Timmy. Though it is not the biggest, I feel confident that these two will serve me well, at least in the premerge. It's called the Just Go For It Alliance, courtesy of Timmy. And we almost got caught forming it because of Cormac which is iconic. Speaking of him, I don't really know what to make of him. He's very... weird. Like it's hard talking to him, but I feel the same way about Keith so whatever. Plus, I don't really trust Cormac considering he basically made a day 1 alliance with two people on my tribe and Sierra. I need to keep an attentive eye on him.

Ellie

I am so immensely thankful for the tribe call last night. It was filled with things I needed to hear, of course we joked around with the fact that I can’t turn on a stove but I was also so thankful for the amazing people in the call making sure that I take care of myself which I haven’t been doing lately. Life has been really hard on me and it feels like a never get a break, sometimes I neglect taking care of myself because I feel that I physically and mentally can’t. I function on caffeine and I get 2-5 hours of sleep on a good night. Last night was kind of a wake up call because I learned that I am putting myself in danger by neglecting myself and my needs. It was really hard for me to accept that but I feel like I have bonded with these people BEYOND the game, they feel like my family now. Life sucks and I get really unmotivated sometimes and can’t bring myself to get out of bed or even eat, but I’ve gotten a lot better and I hope to continue getting better and the people in that call have already played a huge part in that by motivating me to care about my wellbeing and take care of myself, I will always be thankful for that. 

Raffy

I feel like I am bonding well with people? It's hard to get a read on some of them, but I think it's fine for now. Other than that, John came up to me asking for a game bond that I thought we already have. Either way, that seems to be my way into an alliance with him. Hopefully we can grow our numbers and build a trustworthy yet powerful group. We're suspecting a swap pretty soon so I hope that I've bonded with the right people in order to be successful.

Dylan C

I haven’t been socializing enough lately with anyone, and wasn’t going to today but then today was Yikes so. I did miss the tribe call for the challenge because I was on the phone with my friend. Maybe I could’ve made it but eh. Hopefully that one point isn’t going to make or break us. And if it did, well I’ve also done a lot for this challenge already soooo

Ellie

I’m going to be picking flour out of my eyebrows for days

Raffy

I hope we win the challenge. I'm kind of scared that so many things were left blank, but this has got to be enough

Dylan C

BITCH

several of us on this tribe were just on a call saying we didn't wanna vote anyone out smh

I keep agreeing when people say they can't come up with a name for tribal but I do actually have one in mind. I'd say Justin since he seems to be around somewhat less, but it's still not great. I mean, I'd rather not vote anyone

So I've talked with Raffy and Joseph and they agree w/Justin. Haven't specifically mentioned names with anyone else. Ellie says she's just going to listen, and not throw out any names. Also didn't ask my thoughts lol. I'll expand on this more when I record my next video confessional

Timmy

Ughhh we lost, I say we but like I did nothing for the challenge so I was a big contributor to the loss. But now people want justin out and like Justin wants to work with me so I’m not here for that. Honestly I have an alliance that will half the tribe after tomorrow so i would like to have a majority group with him, but I’m still in a good spot without him here. I would rather get Joseph or Dylan R out this round though.

John

okay so apparently cormac wants sierra out after stephen now which is news to me. i just agreed and nodded and was like “okay cool” bc i don’t want to draw negative attention towards myself by acting like i’m trying to protect them, but like i don’t think blindsiding them would be the best move? this game is going to get crazy quick. plus if he’s thinking of taking them out, what if all of a sudden they wanna flip on me? in engineering terms, cracks are propagating on the surface of the material, and it’s not long until failure occurs. hopefully failure does not turn into fracture.

Timmy

Joseph and I haven’t spoken in a few days yet he messages just saying “so, tribal” in bold and I’m like wtf like I’m not gonna talk to you about tribal yet, I need to see if I can trust you first.

Dylan C

What is the big risk I'm taking for the idol and risking my vote at tribal? A fucking puzzle with a shit ton of blue sky and snow, and the piece are weird and r o t a t e. I'm not getting this shit done by 11pm tomorrow! Not when I'm in classes all day, and then have DnD not long after. And I made an account to save my progress, putting my name in it so if I do finish and end up on the leaderboard for someone else to see. You know what I've got tonight? BDE. That's right: big dummy energy. At least the vote seems almost unanimous at this point, so that could easily change, but if it goes like it seems like it will then my vote won't matter too much.

Dylan C

41 minutes and 40 second in, 32%, brain is fried JustinAlright so I am a bit nervous for this tribal considering I have not been too active for this round, but I am still confident I can move the target onto someone else. I was thinking I can possibly get people to vote out Dylan R considering he has been more inactive than I have. Although, the other tribe blindsiding Jack makes me weary because it might have caused people on my tribe to make a move against a more active player. So, I need to be on my toes to make sure that is not me. Also, remember how I said I want to work with Timmy? Well I messaged that bitch asking if he wants to work with me officially, but he hasn't answered even though he has been online since I have sent the message. So, honestly I might try to target him considering he has not been super active either.

Keith John

I have been a bit busy these past few days, havnt spoken to everyone much. Good thing we won immunity. So scrambling is at its minimum. i got a feeling a swap is coming up. Makes me nervous. I dont have many connections on the other side.

Except Justin, spoke to him a few times. Raffy and Ellie I spoke to but they feel like people who talk to everyone. so I dont know if they have my back. Whilst Timmy even didnt reply to my hi. As guess he is clear about not working with me

Stephen

Hi. My name is Mr Immune, which I almost misspelt as Mt Immune, wouldn’t that be entertaining? Anyway the tribes feeling good, John and Sierra are cool, Zoes nice, Maynors nice but oddly distant. Everythings middle of the road atm, nothing great but nothing sucky. I’ll probably try and cruise for a bit on social connections until swap or something equally spicy pops up.

Maynor

I have continued doing the puzzles and I have 3 of them left. Hopefully the idol isnt found yet. We’ll see. Im so happy we were able to win immunity cuz i was slowly freaking out that Jack said my name. Atleast i just screamed inside my head and didnt become as paranois as Jack. He literally made himself the target. Everyone agreed on Stephen then his paranoia happened and it switched onto him.

P.S. ❤️ Jay

Sierra

After Jack got voted out, I was worried that we were going to lose the next challenge. I was so relieved when we actually pulled through and won! We all really worked so hard to win that one... and even though I’m in an alliance, I’d rather not have to test things again just yet.

Raffy

God I hate tribal. It’s ugly. Though I instantly have a name in mind: Justin. He’s the person I trust the least and have talked to the least. I talked to Ellie and Dylan C about it. They seemed to be on board with the whole thing. We just need one more vote which should be easy to get. After all, I am in an alliance with Timmy, so it should be easy for me to get four votes. I’m just hoping that he doesn’t have an idol.

Last night, I was talking to Dylan a little bit. Apparently, they are are scared that they haven’t been added to any alliances and they feel like alliances are being made. So I suggested making an alliance with them and I. They’re in a vulnerable position which is great for me since it means they’ll be more willing to work with me. After tribal, I’m hoping that we can create an alliance together with some other people. I’m excited!!!

Ellie

So it’s between Justin and Dylan R and I have the deciding vote?? More drama coming soon

Justin

Ok these bitches are making me mad. I approached Ellie and Dylan C for alliances. Luckily, they both said yes to individual alliances, but as soon as I brought up the idea for all of us to join together plus Raffy they go mute. That is definitely concerning, but I brought up Dylan R’s name to all three as a target this vote and I can only hope they stick to their word to vote them out. I also made an official alliance with Keith, and he spilled the beans that he has been talking to Raffy a bit which makes me nervous. However, I have changed my stance on Raffy because he actually talks to me quite a lot. But, I am aware he is definitely playing this game hard and is talking to almost everyone. That is why I want to keep him close for the time being and then perhaps blindside him in a swap or early merge. Back to Keith tho, he is ITCHING to make a move. He told me it is his first time playing an ORG and he definitely wants to blindside people which as long as it ain’t me I’m good.

Joseph Collins

Me and Elle have been working so good together. I hope she doesn’t stab me in the back lol. The tribe consensus was Justin but I flipped them all to Dylan r. Blindsideeeeee coming. Hahahahaha. *evil laugh* *winky face

Joseph Collins

Lemme break down how I flipped the vote. I just told Dylan c that “look. I respect you. And I’d want someone to do this for me. The tide’s changing and I think the vote is gonna be Dylan R tonight. I don’t want you to be left out of a vote because I wanted to work with you so I feel like you should know” that establishes trust and kinda gets Dylan to switch her vote

John

i’m ready to make a legitimate move in this game. but it’s all about timing. our best move, if we lose again, is sending stephen outta here. WITH THAT BEING SAID, it’s on after that. bring on the bloodbath. not everything will be happy go lucky for long.

Joseph Collins

I orchestrated this blindside and took no credit in my voting message. Like a true mastermind. *maniacal laugh*

Justin

Biiiiiiiitch. I just found out bitches have been conspiring against me cuz of the time zone difference. So, I was right for being paranoid omg. The person who initially told me was Joseph of all people which was shocking since I probably talk to him the least besides Dylan R. But, I’m glad he did and then Timmy further confirmed it which I’m like hello again Timmy it’s been a bit bud. From what they have told me is that the majority is still on Dylan R. and I talked to Dylan C. about the vote and I straight up talked about the time zone difference not being an issue. They said they have a friend in Scotland so it doesn’t bother them so if at least those three and myself vote Dylan R. then I should be good.

Raffy

The tribe has switched their mentality and have decided to go with Dylan R. with this vote which I am fine with considering he does not talk to me at all either. Plus, Justin came up to me asking if we could align together in this game which is always a good sign. So, I was more inclined to keep him throughout the day. Either way, I think I should be safe at this tribal council.

Zoe

I’m a wild bitch.

For the scavenger hunt challenge, I definitely got a tattoo (of the water tribe symbol from avatar, don’t @ me) for a whopping 20 points, and we definitely won the challenge. While riding on that high I accidentally talked about the idol hunt and got a strike from the god-host, which made me feel like the ultimate failure. Other than that, I have several strong alliances which I am confident in going into the swap.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/gpUevTrixLo

https://youtu.be/_Qpn_dE6fxs

Not feeling like typing this up in detail but the vote has now changed to Dylan R and I’m down with/that. I talked to some people about it and they agree. Joseph messaged me and was like “I feel I have to tell you since you said you wanted to vote Justin.” I was like “that’s sweet but I already knew.” And kinda tried to play it off after that like I’m a little worse at socializing than I actually am but idk how well that worked. I really should’ve made this confession 5 hours ago but oh well. (Those videos were filmed almost 12 hours ago). 

Dylan C

I actually finished the fucking puzzle and I can’t believe it. Also if I hadn’t, it would’ve counted against me next tribal, not tonight’s. Either way, I’m not losing that vote via that puzzle babey. 

[juniglee]

Burwood, NSW Locals Report - 2/6/2019

Hi all once again,

I haven’t been writing much recently, as I haven’t really been wowed by any deck I’ve been trying recently. I have been actively avoiding playing stuff like Mono Water, Earth/Wind and the likes - just anything that seems meta really - in favour of trying out other decks with relatively uncommon colour combinations (e.g. Ice/Wind, Lightning/Wind), or just having a different playstyle compared to the tempo playstyle I am so used to (e.g. mill).

In general, the reason I don’t feel I’m too wowed by most decks I’m trying is basically Veritas. I know there’s quite a lot of complaints about him by the online community, and in all regards, I regard Veritas as generally a fair card. The reason why I don’t feel wowed trying decks without Veritas is because Veritas is just way too efficient of a removal, and is otherwise too generic. For example, I like cards like Rain, Light Yuna, Nidhogg, Yuri, etc., but at the moment, Veritas’ instant value kinda makes me not want to give up my Light/Dark slot for non-Veritas. Mayhaps this is more of a game design issue. 

In NSW, one of the stores with the largest FF communities is probably none other than Burwood. We gather here pretty much every Sunday, but the first Sundays of every month are a little bit special - there’s a little more prize support than the usual locals (e.g. the top 8 players get foil promos instead of top 1 as with most locals), so in general, I expect most people generally tend to try a bit harder on this day. Sort of like a little regionals, I’d say!

On this day, I topped the monthly locals with this deck: https://ffdecks.com/deck/5160654155546624. Full credits goes to a good friend of mine, Vincent Chong, for coming up with the deck - he himself was orignally inspired by this list: https://ffdecks.com/deck/6577016233000960.

I have been playing this deck for about 3 weekends straight, so I think I have some decent practice with it. Without further ado, here’s the deck breakdown:

Rikku (1-089H) - it isn’t really a mill deck without this Rikku, is it? 3-of, no questions. If you get a hand with this on Turn 1, in general it’s a straight keeper.

Yuna (1-176H) - one of the best anti-meta cards right now. Also forms a good package with Paine (1-199S) and Rikku (1-089H) as above.  She’s incredibly important, for your removal, while packing a lot, is still relatively limited. You generally want to drop her whenever you are able to. If you have nothing to bounce with her entry effect, you can always bounce your own Zidane/Paine/Thief so that you can re-play again. As an aside, since this deck only has 8 Water cards, I would generally suggest not pitching any of them unless you have to, until Yuna is on the field.

Paine (2-063R) - actually more important than Paine (1-199S) in this deck. This card is literally what helps keep the deck consistent. You almost always search this off Shinra (6-048C) if you can, if you haven’t gotten your Rikku/Yuna backups out. This Paine also means you can essentially survive off the 14 backups (not counting Rikku (2-071R) as you’ll never play her) that this deck plays, as she generally translates to backup search, regardless of being played from hand, or triggered as an EX Burst.

Shinra (6-048C) - if you don’t open with Rikku (1-089H), but you open with this guy, still a keeper hand. If you do not need to search for either Paines, you can always use this to search for Rikku (1-201S)!

Rikku (1-090R), Rikku (1-201S), Rikku (2-071R) - basically special fodder. You’ll almost never play them in favour of Rikku (1-089H). All of them can be searched by Paine (2-063R), but Rikku (1-201S) also has the added benefit of being searchable by Shinra as above. In hindsight, I’d probably cut the other Rikkus to put in more Rikku (1-201S) or Rikku (6-062R), as it would increase the number of cards that you can get via Shinra if needed.

Paine (1-199S) - less important than Paine (2--063R), but she’s generally what you want to see once your board is set up anyway. 7k body is somewhat relevant for blocking, and she makes a good Miounne/Yuna target on your end. As an aside, for the mill game, on 5 backups, you can mill your opponent by 1, then paying with the remaining 3 to play Paine, to re-activate Rikku and any other Wind backup, so you can mill again.

Zidane (3-056H) - one of the strong cards that everyone complains about. You’ll need him to be able to pick out cards like Hecatoncheir (1-117R) or copies of Celes/Edward, that may otherwise disrupt your game plan. Also a good Miounne/Yuna target if needed.

Thief (4-059C) - if you have nothing to do, and can spare 1 CP, just drop this guy. Excellent Famfrit tech, and you can also bounce with Miounne to draw a card, AND make your opponent mill 1. Some pretty good value! Valefor (1-062L) and Yuna also bounces this guy to make your opponent mill 1 as well.

Veritas of the Dark (8-136L) - I don’t think much needs to be said about this guy, and what he brings to the table. Very potent with Yuna (1-176H) on the field, and unless your opponent also plays the same Yuna, you are likely to out-value your opponent’s Veritas. If you’ve got too many cards, you can always play Miounne on him to bounce him back to your hand and draw a card, so you can re-play again later.

Sherlotta (8-053H) - the general game plan for the early game, is to try and set up 2 CP backups as quickly as possible. Sherlotta can eventually become Water CP if needed to play Yuna or any of your Water summons in a pinch if needed. You can also sac Sherlotta to play Asura to re-activate your backups so that you can play more backups, or mill more, etc.

White Mage (6-047C) - a really good tech card. Since Yuna doesn’t cover cards used to pay for cost, White Mage can really disrupt your opponent’s Gladiator/Devout/Miner/Tama/Ajido-Marujido/etc’s plan. In the mid and late game, you should almost always be sitting on CP anyway to be able to crack White Mage for value when needed.

Miounne (5-067R) - another really good card that doesn’t need much introduction. You have many good targets you can bounce (e.g. either Paines, Zidane, Thief, White Mage, and Veritas) and re-play again for value.

Asura (2-049H) - this card has many uses. You can activate a dull/frozen Forward to block and prevent a point of damage if required, but you’ll generally use it more either for the backup line re-activate, or to take a copy of any of your 2 CP Rikku cards from the break zone to Mug again.

Valefor (1-198S) - one of the best value cards in a YRP engine. Mill 1, play this to re-activate backups and deal 3k to a board, and then follow up with either more mill, or Diabolos. The chain possibility is quite endless with this card.

Valefor (1-062L) - this card has been something of an unsung hero for me. Resets the board state, preventing a whole turn of damage. Exceptionally potent for this deck if played on a board of Vikings, or if you control a Thief or two, as it speeds up your game plan as well.

Leviathan (1-178R) - I find I almost never cast this card. It’s mainly used for CP to pay for Yuna, or otherwise often triggered as an EX Burst. As an aside, you can always bounce your own cards with this card, as described for Miounne above, to re-play again.

Alexander (8-046R) - somewhat feels like one of the weaker removal summons in the deck. Being able to hit the likes of Fat Chocobo, Miner, Star Sibyl, Snow, etc. is really nice however. I don’t often play this card, but if you have spare CP to use, this is not a bad card to play when you can.

Diabolos (5-062L) - remove Forwards, mill more, combat tricks. This card does a lot, and gains a lot of value when you have a full backup line.

Chaos, Walker of the Wheel (3-071H) - Yuna H + Chaos Walker combo, always run this card if you run Yuna H. One of the best value Forward removals.

Famfrit, the Darkening Cloud (3-123R) - same for Chaos. One of the best value removals in this deck. Helps you get around cards like Delita and Ardyn.

Madeen (8-133H) - a one-of, for when you manage to somehow be able to get a board wipe for value. Gives you some additional board control, but oftentimes it can be hard to cast for 6. You play this over Ark, as being the mill aggressor, you don’t actually want to be drawing cards for removing a lot of Forwards, plus it has an additional 1000 power cap higher than Ark. Be wary of Leviathan (6-125R) however, as it has the potential to reduce your Madeen to an expensive nothing. Killing your own Thief or Veritas with this card can also lead to additional value.

The general game plan is: set up Rikku, Yuna and a 3rd backup as soon as possible. At 3 backups, you have a lot of options that you can play, as a lot of your removal are odd costed. Shinra into Paine will give you the consistency you need if you don’t open with Rikku. If you open with Rikku, use Paine to search for Yuna instead.

Also remember: points of damage counts as milling too! If you see an opportunity to attack, take that point of damage. There will be some decks where you can’t just sit back and mill them out - if you have to go aggressively at your opponent, Yuna H and removal will see your small bodies through. I’ve won a few games 7-1 and 7-2 because my opponent couldn’t setup, and I was largely dealing damage with O2 Paine, Thief, Zidane, and even Veritas.

Here’s a write up for the rounds I played today:

Round 1 (Bye) - yeah, we had 15 players, so 4 rounds of swiss today. I actually got a bye. Nothing much to write about here, I went for a coffee run for some of my friends.

Round 2 (Ice/Water) - this is an interesting deck that I’d also like to try out someday. The deck generally uses 4 cost or above cards, and Agrias L from O7. The only Agrias target in that deck is basically either Garland (IX) or searcher Laguna from O6, who is used to search O1 4CP Squall. Otherwise, the deck only has about 9 backups, and has about 17 - 18 summons, and uses Forward Minwu from O6 as well. I expected the matchup to be quite rough,as this deck generally requires some turns to set up the backup line, and my opponent was already running at me with 3 to 4 Forwards, including a Garland (IX) which messed up my CP management. I only managed to stabilize due to a string of EX bursts - I casted Famfrit on my opponent’s turn when they attacked, then they attacked into another Famfrit. Once I was able to keep his board down, I had no problem eventually stabilizing and milling him out. The deck also doesn’t play backups to be able to play its 4+ costed cards, so destroying the backup Snow with Alexander eventually sealed the game for me, as my opponent could not keep up with the cost of the cards in the deck. I won this game 4 - 4, milling out my opponent.

Round 3 (Wind/Water) - this round saw me play against my friend Junshi who was on Wind/Water Yurilinka. He went first, and played a backup, then disrupted my Shinra into Paine combo by playing Zidane and tossing Paine out of my hand. Though I had Yuna, I elected not to play the Yuna, but to use her as Water CP to play Famfrit instead as bouncing Zidane is a very, very bad idea. I only got my own Rikku out about 4 turns after he did, and I was saved from taking too much damage by a timely Valefor EX Burst, dealing with his Leila Viking board. Eventually, he figured that playing more Leila Viking would lead to himself milling out against me, so we were in a mill battle for a while, but I eventually managed to come through as my deck would be milling him faster than he milled me. I won this game 1 - 5.

Round 4 (Mono Earth) - this was also against another close friend, Vincent Ma, who basically got my feet off the ground in this game. If anything he’s like a mentor to me, and taught me most of what I know about this game. He was on a Mono Earth list that was played in Japan, utilizing about 17 Forwards and 16 Summons, and lots of Undead Princess recursion. I stabilized relatively early against him, and managed to keep his backups to 2. The reason being you want him to use 1 more card from hand to play his odd casted cards like Cecil and Ardyn. The early White Mage also dissuaded him from playing 4-086H, and the White Mage removed 1 Undead Princess, which he was not willing to bring back from the Break Zone by sacrificing his only 2 backups. I managed to get the Yuna H out, and just kept exiling his Forwards. Given his deck had low Forward count as well, my removal eventually saw me through, and this round I managed to deal more damage than I took. With any Earth-based matchup, always be wary of Hecatoncheir (1-117R). I had one of my Yunas taken out by a Hecatoncheir, but managed to have one more in hand when it did get broken. I won this game 5 - 3.

General Thoughts:

This deck is most definitely quite fun to play. Maybe the same won’t be said for the opponent, since this kind of deck largely prioritizes removing Forwards, and some might say it doesn’t really feel fun playing against this kind of deck (all my Forwards are being exiled anyway, why am I even playing this game!?), but mill control was a play style I’ve always wanted to try for a while, ever since I lost to a mill deck in my State Championships a couple of months ago.

It is not without its weaknesses however. Aggressive decks that can deal 7 damage in the space of 4 turns (e.g. Ark Angel HM Haste decks), or decks that limit the hand size (e.g. Scale Toad, discard heavy strategy) can shut this deck down in as early as Turn 2 or Turn 3. Another problem card to deal with is Garland (IX) - a Turn 2 Garland essentially screws your curve over, and you are then forced to over-pay to remove the Garland, which removes cards from your hand, which then makes you vulnerable to Scale Toad shaping the game for your opponent. A friend of mine, Mithril, was on an Ice/Water deck for this day that featured discards and summon cancels (lots of Celes and Edward), which I would not have been keen to face, so I was somewhat lucky to have dodged that bullet.

Here’s a quick photo of what I got today!

A deck box, a set of Vincent sleeves, a foil Bartz Promo, and five packs of my choice - I went with Opys 6, and got a non-foil Maria and a foil Garland!

I hope everyone enjoyed reading this, and please give it a try if you’d like, and let me know if you have ideas to improve the deck!

Until next time!

[starwriterulia]

Forgiveness, Thankfulness and Remembrance: Chapter 3 - Homeroom Thoughts

From my Quotev.

-❄❄❄ September 6, 2017. 9:01 AM  ❄❄❄-

        I look up from my phone as a cute, somewhat short male student with silky, light brown hair and beautiful brown eyes passes me. Oh, isn't he the second guy who passed us in the hallway? He gives me a brief, small smile as we make eye contact. He quickly reaches the fifth and final row to sit in the desk near the window. Ah, so this is our main protagonist.

        "Uh, good morning, Baekhyun." Mrs. Mok says, making a slight face as she turns on the SMARTboard behind her. Is this not his usual morning behavior? 

        He turns to her from looking outside for a moment. "Hi, Mrs. Mok."

        "Are you feeling OK today? You usually sit in the front, right beside where Eunju is sitting."

        Baekhyun catches my eyes that paced between him and Mrs. Mok. "Your name is Eunju?"

        "Yes, I transferred here from Canada for my last year. It's nice to meet you, Baekhyun."

        Baekhyun's chest slowly sinks as he exhales. "It's nice to meet you, too." He gives another little smile, but his expression reflects anguish. Should I... ask? 

        As I open my mouth, Mrs. Mok takes my place. "Baekhyun, are you feeling alright?"

        "Yes, I'm fine." His tone doesn't make it seem that way. Just as Baekhyun finishes his sentence, more students file in, filling the seats. I guess it's not my business to ask what's wrong, but I still can't help but wonder if his mood has something to do with the student he was walking with, this morning. The bell chimes again, then shuffling comes from the speaker on the ceiling's corner to the left of the door.

        "Good morning, SGHS." Oh, this is the secretary's morning announcement. "Welcome back from summer vacation, we hope you all had fun. Today's block rotation is 1-2-2-3-4 after homeroom. As a reminder, you only have to be in homeroom before the first block for the first week for attendance."

        "The first dance of the year is on the last Friday of this month, the 29th. The theme is Fall Fair, so dress in denim and plaid if you want to. As always, there is a small prize draw, and admission is ₩8200." That equals about $10 CAD. "You can preorder your copy of the yearbook starting October 1st by the office."

        "They are ₩45, 600 until December 1st, then they will then be ₩53, 900." That equals around $55 and $65 CAD. Ugh, my other high school had overpriced yearbooks, too. "That is all for today's announcements. This has been Seo Jeonghae, your secretary in the office. Have a wonderful day."

        There's a bit more shuffling as Jeonghae ends the announcement, then Mrs. Mok rises from her seat. "Alright, good morning class, I'm Mrs. Mok." She begins to write her name in Hangul on the SMARTboard with the black pen. "As Jeonghae said, welcome to the 2017 school year." Mrs. Mok adds her name in Hànzì underneath.

        "Mr. Jeup and I teach Korean, Japanese, English and Mandarin, so we collaborate our classes." She writes her name in Hiragana and English, then sets down the pen and puts her hands at her sides. "Our students often share one language and wish to learn another that a peer knows. It's a trade that has shown to be enjoyable and educational for everyone. Language has helped people communicate for generations, and it's my job to help you communicate wherever you go."

        "How many people here are looking to learn English?" A good half of the class raises their hands, and everyone looks around like curious puppies to see each other. I notice that Baekhyun is one of these people. "Ah, a big number, like always." Mrs. Mok smiles.

        "Good, very good. Who is here to learn Korean?" A small portion of the class raises their hands. "Mm, good. How about Japanese?" Another small portion raises their hands. "And, Mandarin?" I raise my left hand with a third small portion of the class.

        "Excellent, everyone here is looking to learn something different. Mr. Jeup and I enjoy posting videos of students talking to each other in their newly learned languages on our school's YouTube page. We have a collection of playlists that has been growing since 2012. We will teach you through various games, exercises, and activities. At the end of every week, you will be tested by talking with me using what you learned that week. If everyone does well, you all get ice cream. Does that sound good?"

        We cheer and applaud collectively, laughing at ourselves. "Now, may our new student come to the front and introduce herself, please?" I rise from my seat and walk to Mrs. Mok's left side. She gives me little nod and smile. "When you're ready."

        I huff, nodding firmly, then turn to the class. "Hello, my name is Young Eunju, I'm in this class to learn Mandarin. I am in twelfth grade. I am a transfer from Canada on two scholarships. I enjoy writing and can make friends easily because of my personality. I look forward to knowing you all; please treat me well." I bow to finish my speech, and the class gives me a warm applause, Baekhyun included, who looks a little interested and a little relieved of stress.

        "Thank you, Eunju. You may return to your seat, now." Mrs. Mok says, and I nod in response, doing so. "Now, let's go over the course assignments and begin the first assignment." Mrs. Mok picks up the keyboard on her desk and closes the application, Word 2017 beneath it.

        She puts down her keyboard and hands a stack of booklets to the leftmost student in the front row. "Please take one and pass it on." After everyone had taken one, Mrs. Mok proceeds to go over the assignments for the course. Our first assignment was to create a poster in our chosen language, with help from Mrs. Mok, of a small self-introduction. We would present them to the class on Thursday, then they would be posted to the bulletin board outside for a week.

        We began to work on our projects, making rough drafts on lined paper about what we wanted to put down. I met Hyejae, who's in twelfth grade, during the class's Q&A time featuring me. She was adorable and idol-image-material with big, dark eyes and short, black hair. We clicked right after I mentioned we were both lactose intolerant, knowing the struggles of not being able to find vegan ice cream so easily.  She turned out to be vegan as I am, and she cosplays as Kagamine Rin, so we got excited about Vocaloid, too. 

        I received many questions from students about my home country and town, which is Vanderhoof, located in the geographical heart of British Columbia, scholarships, dwarfism, and the way I walk. Of course, this lead to a brief explanation of my knees for the upteenth time. I discussed my other interests, starting with Pokemon and my preference of Water and Fairy types and favoritism of Mudkip and Sylveon, and Project Diva, and that I like music and can sing but wouldn't sing then and there. I talked about Minecraft and why I don't play online or Story Mode, cosplaying, and that I don't own a maid outfit and sew the costumes myself, and how I play Magic: The Gathering casually and attend Friday Night Magic.

        Everyone who asked me questions and listened seemed thrilled to meet someone as unique as me. It didn't surprise me because I knew my appearance alone would raise questions. I noticed that Baekhyun was among the intent listeners, quietly working and smiling a little when I talked about how I adore Miku and all of her possibilities, and why I'm not a great Magic player: unlucky decisions. After everyone had asked their burning questions, I thought about Baekhyun and the student I saw him with. Baekhyun's face was red, and the way the other person was holding his wrist was a clue that something was happening.

        Maybe someone did something to anger the other person, like try to... take... Baekhyun away. Oh my God, I think they might be a couple. Pretty fucking sure that guys don't hold each other like that unless they're gay. The latter being totally fine to me, I mean, hell, gay and lesbian etc. people can be just as wonderful as straight people. They probably went somewhere more private than a bathroom, they missed two of them by the time I stopped looking their way and missed if they turned the right corner or went down the stairs at the end of the hall.

        I think the former option is most likely because Haeun told me that the door to the fenced school rooftop is always unlocked. The door follows the Information Technology and Law classrooms, on the right, and the third set of stairs, on the left, at the end of the hallway after the turn. The History, Social Studies, and Planning classrooms are on the left wall as well. They might have went there and had a talk. Oh geezums, now I'm curious and worried, when it's none of my business.

        I quietly sigh, looking to Baekhyun from the protection of my hair over my desk. I hope everything's OK, he seems to . Also pretty sure that if I asked someone about the two, I'd get some raised eyebrows. Or, maybe I wouldn't. Hm, I'll observe people in the school a little more, see if I can spot Baekhyun with anyone. Or, maybe I'll meet someone who knows Baekhyun and what's going on, and they'll tell me. I... I fucking hate being an author, I overthink things way too easily. Eh, at least I've got a plan. 

        I feel like a fucking cool-ass teen detective too, like Nancy Drew, but with brown hair and green eyes. Even though I'm naturally a dark blonde, so there's that, too. After everyone was working for fifteen minutes, the bell rang. "Alright, I'll see you tomorrow for the double block." Mrs. Mok says, standing from a helping a student at their desk while everyone hastily packs up.

        I wait for everyone to file out so I don't get run-over, insisting to Hyejae and a few other students that I was sure of my choice. Yeah, I'd say this is going pretty well. Mom's gonna be glad to hear about this. I look over my left shoulder as I watch Baekhyun approach me. "Hi, Eunju."

        "Hi, Baekhyun. Did you need something?"

        "No, I was just wondering what your next class is."

         "Oh!" Not a question I expected from him. "After ASWM, I have Visual Arts."

        "Really?" Baekhyun gives a light huff. "I have those courses, too. Do you wanna go to math, together?"

        "Sure, I wouldn't mind." Baekhyun nods, then we take a right to the staircase that way.

        "So, ASWM, huh? You're not good with math, either?" I chuckle.

        "No, I'm not very bright in math or science." He lowers his shoulders. Oh, something's telling me his parents may have high expectations for him. 

        "Are you good at art?"

        "I'm not bad at scenery painting." Baekhyun answers as we descend the staircase. "I'm good with people and gardening, too. I might go into social work, or my parent's business at the greenhouse." I give an 'mm' in reply. "What are you going into, Eunju?"

        "Something with writing, if I'm lucky. I have a business certificate, and I've worked at a bank before, so I could work in an office, too. Something where I'm not up on my feet all day." Baekhyun nods a little in understanding. "By the way, what grade are you in, Baekhyun?"

        "I'm in twelfth grade, too." He answers, waiting for me at the bottom of the first set of stairs. "So, your knee incident actually happened?"

        "Yeah," I answer, starting the final set. "I'm wearing black pantihose to help hide my scar. I mean, I shave, but I had a habit of scratching at mosquito bites as a kid, so I have circular scars all over my arms and legs. That's why I chose to wear the long sleeved uniform." Baekhyun gives a low 'mm' in understanding.

        When I was a little more than halfway down the stairs, the student that Baekhyun was with this morning halts in front of the opening into the hallway from the right. I never realized how tall he was until now, and his face is kind of baby-like, his eyes are very dark, piercing brown. "There you are, Baek. Are you coming?" Whoa, that’s a deep voice, if I ever heard one.

        "Chanyeol, you still have to go to class, after homeroom." Baekhyun replies, reaching the bottom. "We have to wait until break to..." He pauses, then shakes his head a little as I finish descending. "...To talk on the roof."

        "Just for a minute, come on..." Chanyeol whines.

        "Nope, we're going to class." Baekhyun replies, taking Chanyeol's left hand and pulling him along as we go to the math classrooms down the hallway. Chanyeol's face holds this bewildered, judging and pleading expression, telling me that they're a couple, and that Chanyeol is the masculine figure who is currently confused at his partner's actions. He's also judging me because he may think I have something to do with it, and pleading to be released from Baekhyun's hand so he can recapture it and away with Baekhyun. Just... just fuck my analyzing brain; I'm thinking too much, and I have math, next.

-Forgiveness, Thankfulness and Remembrance-

WE: 2260 words, yes, very good. To clarify, if an idol is born before '95, they are in tenth grade. '95 liners are in eleventh grade, and '94-'90 liners are in twelfth grade. There are many exceptions for the sake of ship-relevancy for idols who are in twelfth grade. Yep, you heard that right. Ship-relevancy. Thanks for reading!