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pearlplusau · 4 years ago

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Pearlplusau Chapter 7 - The newest member Part 1 - Found

At the Prime kindergarten in Facet 5-

Before the emergence of gems, there were these Injectors, machines used to insert gem stones along with certain diamond essences and incubated within soil for their nutrition and minerals. Before the gem war, earth gems among the few earth kindergartens, gained their needed resources and energy in creating their individual new quartz gem. The form, the mentality and physicality were being considered during the incubation process. However, the inserted position of a certain gem, faced certain difficulties in emerging along her fellow sisters. That said, the wall of Earth, held the gem tighter, reluctant to let it go, which led this gem to have a much longer incubation period than the usual quartz.

It has been more than a hundred years, the dark and empty kindergarten was still very much deserted, no humans, no gems, no plants, no life in sight, not even a weed.

The empty holes on the walls, shaped and sized of a larger humanoid figure, remains very much intact. All of them were in neat positions, arranged in dozens of lines per wall, with the lowest lines being at least 2 meters away from the ground.

These holes were not always empty, they were the homes of many individuals, hundreds of gems just from one wall.

It was during the start of the colonization period where the newly inserted gems were finally starting to emerge, one minute it was an empty corner of the earth, the next minute, soldiers were popping out of the walls and bustling to their duties.

One by one the quartzes emerged, leaping into the air and floating down like it’s no big deal. “Yep, one second old and imma ready to jump! GERONIMO!” And one by one the gems landed and waited for their fellow comrades before they report to the station.

A batch of amethyst soldiers with various hair styles were standing around their landing area, waiting for the rest to emerge before they move on. Another gem came and greeted the group, “Heyyy fellow quartzes, what are we all up to?”

An amethyst with some spunky hair and a mega thick bang replied, “There’s two more from our unit that haven’t emerged yet, so we’re gonna wait for’em.”

Shhiinngggg-POOF!

Just as the quartz finished her response, the wall they were facing trembled and a pink-ish white glow came to life. The glow immediately dimmed as fast as it was lit, and another amethyst emerged from the section of the wall. She landed on her knees and grunted, “Ughhhh…”

The pink gem approached the newly emerged amethyst, her tone was astonishment and amazed, “Wow! Look at you! *Giggled* Welcome to Earth!”

The amethyst responded to the kind words with, “That is the first, and nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

Another purple gem rushed from the reporting area and demanded, “What’s going on here? Our orders were to move out as soon as you emerged!” She sounded like one of them, deep, rashly voice, but it also involved a higher authority in command.

One of the gems in the crowd protested, “Butttt 8XM hasn’t emerged yet!”

“She can catch up to us later! GOGOGO!”

All the purple quartzes rushed to the reporting area, hoping the last quartz would emerge soon and join their sisterhood. But alas, as centuries went by, the unit was never reunited with their last sister, they assumed she was ordered to complete other tasks like certain gems. The assumption turned out to be true, but not the way the quartzes were expecting.

After the war and the retreat of the homeworld gems, the kindergarten were abandoned and deserted as empty husk of walls with hundreds and thousands of holes neatly dotted around. Above the walls, it was all grey, with no creatures surviving the area, nor any plant life sprouted at the lowest point of the husk. That is, until the last gem finally emerged from her long incubation.

Shhiinngggg-POOF!

There was a ruckus coming from the end of the wall. The point of emergence of the small gem was completely distant, isolated, and separated from the other quartze holes above, as if the gem was ostracized from the unit in general.

As the gem tumbled out of the hole, she observed her surroundings, but all she saw was emptiness. This was a place filled with other gems, laughter, sisterhood. But to her, it was a barren of nothingness.

The little purple gem slowly got to her knees and crawled towards the nearest rock for a better view of the valley. She slowly stood her ground, steadied herself, and tried to look as far away as possible, hoping for any signs of life.

But still…

Nothing…

Only the sounds of a distinct little voice, whispering across the valley, it sounded sad, and empty.

“I came out late, and alone. Nobody but my own.”

The gem stood, hoping for someone, anyone, that can guide her away to a place full of friends, joy, and laughter.

Or even other gems…

Anything would be better than this…

The fog was pretty dense at this time of the year. The walls were still towering, blocking any form of sunlight into the kindergarten. Several hundreds of Injectors were still in their positions, some were not as lucky. Overtime, the grips of the injectors claws became rusty and loose, most of them were still where they were left, but some lost their grips and fell into the empty chasm Amethyst called Home.

The gem was climbing on to a boulder sized rock, and as she stood on top, she decided to claim it as her climbing rock as it’s the tallest rock among the rest!

The other rocks still have their own quirks, the closest rock was her sitting rock, which is the perfect rock shape and size for her to be sitting. The other rock however, did not feel right, so the little gem gave it a good kick!

Crack!!

There! Now its two rocks made from one! She let out a satisfying note, and went back to her hole.

Amethsyt was imagining what else in her home needs revamping, until she heard something, something completely different from the sound of rolling stones and dusty air.

Shes never heard anything like that before, it was always just errie echo, but she got used to that, and now, the new sound scares her.

She decided to investigate, she cautiously got out of her hole, tiptoed closer to the sound and hid behind a rock.

When the small gem took a quick peak, she saw a giant pink figure in a white dress and fluffy curls, slowing wandering around the area, kicking the pebbles everywhere, looking rather, depressed, and frustrated.

She heard her mumbling, smth about earth? And life? Amethyst never heard any of the sounds coming from her mouth, but from the looks in her eyes, the pink gem was furious at the giant machines.

Her slow-paced dragging transitioned into angry stomps, in no time, she was standing in front of a broken down injector.

The machine, covered in centuries worth of dust, stood at least 15 times bigger than the pink figure, but it looked no more threatening than the gem itself.

Amethyst tried to observe with all the rocks blocking the target, after merely just one step out of her hiding place, the pink figure turned to a scowl at the giant machine.

Her face lit up as the gem readied her stance, half a second later, she was floating above the giant injector machine. The pink gem cracked her knuckles with a satisfying “Crack” and held her fists tight.

She rocketed down into the machine, slamming herself through its interior, and obviously not hold back, but not using her full strength either.

With a blink of an eye, amethyst went from looking at a standing injector machine, to the machine split in half, to which one half was falling towards her hiding place.

It took her a while to digest, but she was able to quickly react to the danger in front of her before it was too late.

Eeeeep!

Amethyst ran, and just before the remaining of the machine could hit the ground, the gem plopped into her own hole, immediately feeling safe as the smell and space soothed her.

But it wasn’t soothing for long.

Just as the machine fell and crashed, all the dust and sand around got blown away from its impact, and a lot of the dust got into Amethysts hole, making her nose really, really, really itchy.

“A……aahchoo!”

Amethyst immediately covered herself after that sneeze, but alas, the sound of a kitten sneeze went out to the world, especially to anyone nearby.

As the sound of rubble went out, the pink figure spoke, “Hello?”, sounding very surprised and very close. “Is someone there?”

Amethyst continued covering herself, hoping with enough pressure on her face, she would be unseen and unnoticed.

As the dust cleared out, it became clear that the figure was slowly walking towards her direction.

As the footsteps gets louder and louder, Amethyst backed up the wall as far as she could, even hugging the wall didn’t seem to do her any favors. That thing crushed those giant machines! Amethyst herself tried to move the machine for her new spots, but the thing never budged an inch!

The voice outside continued, “Don’t be scared, I’m not going to hurt you or anything! Please come out, I just want to help you if you got hurt!”

For some reason, the more she spoke, the more amethyst became at ease. The purple gem didn’t understand, but the voice somehow soothed her, but it’s also making her do something she doesn’t want to. The last thing she would wanna do is to walk out of her hiding place, but her body moved before her thoughts became clear, as if it was following an instinct from that voice.

The small gem crept out from her hole, but she kept herself in the shadow, just in case the voice was dangerous.

The smoke cleared up, and the figure became clear. It was a very tall, very big, figure in a white dress, and giant fluffy pink curls reaching to the back of her knees. As much darkness there was in the kindergarten, the pink figure looked like she moved with caution, but she was glowing with energy, stepping on each foot with such grace, moving with such kindness, almost making amethyst stick her head out for a better view.

The figure spotted the little gem, yet still she moved with the gentle pace, not making too much noise or else it could scare her away.

“Why hello there.” Rose gently greeted as she approached the gem and her hiding place.

“Hello there.” The small purple gem echoed, standing up and trying to mimic Rose’s actions.

At this point, Rose was…surprised to say the least.

“This is a bit…unexpected.” Rose scratched her hair, “But it’s also not impossible since this place wasn’t visited since the first time I came here. Oh, sorry, I’m rambling, my name is Rose Quartz.” She extended her arm to the small gem for a handshake, “What’s your name?”

The purple gem wasn’t sure what to do with the extended arm, she stared at the arm, and glanced at her own hands. Seemingly putting the pieces together, the purple gem slowly extended her own arm.

But when Rose tried to grasp on the hand for a good introductory shake, that took Amethyst by surprise.

“Eeeeep!” She squeaked while retracting her arm back.

The pink gem tilted her head at the reaction, trying to make sense of the squeaking, little to no vocal response and the horrified handshake.

“Maybe she’s…not fully developed?” She thought to herself while retracting her hand as well.

Rose decided maybe sitting down would allow her to understand from the small gem’s point of view.

Just as Rose kneeled down and folded the back of her dress for a better sitting position, the purple gem followed her every move even though she was very much not in a long dress, just a lot more clumsiness in her sitting position.

When Rose was finally settled in her seating position, she found the small gem sitting down, which was not something she was expecting.

Rose wanted to try some other actions to see if they’re just coincidences or if the gem was intentionally attempting to mimic her every move.

An arm was raised above the head, a smaller arm was raised above the head. The arm slowly pat the top of her own head, same did the small one’s arm. The other arm reached out and gently tapped to her own nose, and the nose of the small gem was touched by her own fingertips. It was as if Rose was facing a mirror, and the purple gem in that “reflection” was following every move.

However, as the movements got more and more complicated for the small gem to follow, she inevitably got confused and tumbled down, making adorable giggling sounds of fun and laughter!

Upon hearing the infectious laughter, Rose was unable to control herself and joined in the laughter, especially since the laughter was echoing all over the empty kindergarten.

After the laughter finally settled down for both of them, the small gem sat right back up and made a huge grin! Possibly telling the giant pink gem that she was finally feeling something she likely hasn’t felt before.

Since the small gem didn’t speak, Rose made a small interpretation that the small gem didn’t know how to talk or possibly even her own name! But judging from her gem colour, shade and cut, she could tell that the purple gem was an Amethyst, similar to all those amethyst soldiers popping all over the place all those centuries ago.

Rose returned the smile and tried again with the names. She pointed to her naval, showing the pink gem while introducing herself once more. “So I’m Rose Quartz, you can just call me Rose.”

The purple gem struggled but was able to slowly repeated her name. “R-rose?”

“Yes! That’s right! And you’re an amethyst! Would you like to be called with that name? Amethyst?”

The small figure pointed to the gem on her chest, “A-amitist?”

“Yeap, you’re getting it!”

The small gem giggled, “Hehehe-Ametist! Ametyst! Amethyst!” and tumbled around the dirt, making her rock hair collection more and more exquisite!

To Amethyst, the movements, the names, the giant lady in front of her, these were something completely new. Still, something about this gem feels soooo familiar, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

However, even with the sudden appearance and brutal power towards the weird looking machines, she felt safe within her presence. All her gem life, she’s been alone, but never in danger, but also never had the warmth of safety like the feeling she had right now!

The small gem made a brief decision to trust this giant pink gem.

The small gem used her hand to grasp one of Rose’s finger, trying to pull her and show her something nearby.

“Ohhh! Do you have something to show me Amethyst?” Rose kidded with the slight tone of curiosity.

The purple gem led Rose to-

An assorted rock collection.

Amethyst guided Rose to the first rock, it was at the height of the purple gem’s neck, which was almost up to Rose’s knees.

The small gem slowly climbed up the rock, and sat on the said rock.

It took Rose sometime to see it, but she made a pretty accurate guess of what she’s doing. “Oh! Is this your…Sitting rock? The rock where you take a seat?”

Amethyst scooted to the side and pat the little space she made, signifying Rose to join her.

Rose considered the kind offer, but she gently rejected her generosity of sharing the sitting rock. “Oh! Thank you Amethyst! But I don’t think the rock is the right size for me. And I’m very certain that the rock won’t be a good seat for the both of us!”

Amethyst was trying to see the issue of her kind offer, but she didn’t mind the rejection, shrugged off and moved on to the next rock.

The next rock was a lot bigger than the previous one, it was the size of a boulder to be exact.

Amethyst stood at the base of the big rock and immediately climbed up the said rock. As she sat at the top, she became face level with Rose, being able to see more than her long dress.

“Soooo, no wait let me guess! This is yourrrr climbing rock? The rock that you use to climb and see things from far, far away?”

“Far, far away!!” Amethyst echoed while jumping up and down on the rock.

The purple gem leaped down the rock and tried to show Rose more of her rock collection, or even her current family! Where she’s developed relationships with each and every one of these inanimate objects, showcasing just how long she’s been on her own.

Rose became more and more fascinated by the little gem, seeing how different she became without being brainwashed and used as another soldier for war.

But if she wants to ensure her freedom from the horrible shackles of Homeworld, she might need to take some, unfair but necessary precautions.

Just as Amethyst was showcasing her last rock, Rose decided to show HER something. “That was super fun getting to know your rock family! You know, I got something I would like to show too! Would you like to see it!?”

She gave out her hand, waiting for Amethyst to gently put down her rock.

After the first interaction with the hand, she was more comfortable and gripped onto her hand almost immediately! Before they took off, Rose had to stay low in order for her to walk with Amethyst holding her hand.

As they travelled throughout the kindergarten, Rose realized that Amethyst was moving with a lot more cautious within the other sections of the kindergarten, indirectly telling Rose that she’s never been away from her hole or her rock family for a long time.

Either Amethyst didn’t want to lose her way to where shes the most familiar at, or she never step a foot out of her usual area at all.

But the assumptions and theories made Rose even more determined to lead her for a better place, a better environment for her to be a new era of crystal gems.

At last, they made it. Rose led Amethyst to a warp pad, it was the white coloured shiny pedestal on one of the higher grounds, something amethyst herself could never figure out. Not because she doesn’t know how to warp, but because she didn’t know there were other places than the kindergarten.

Amethyst slowly approached the shiny looking warp pad, she concentrated on the edge of the pad, looking very hard to break.

She looked up to Rose on the warp pad, who was giving her encouraging smiles. The purple gem wasn’t sure, but again, something about this giant, fluffy pink gem seemed familiar, as if she was where she belonged.

She slowly joined Rose on the warp pad, still unsure what it’s purpose is for.

Rose started to explain, “Soo, this is a warp pad, we gems use it to travel around the world. The earth might actually feel small once you get used to it but walking for days just to get somewhere is a bit…boring.” Sounding rather embarrassed from a certain incident, Rose proceeded, “The point is, we can use this to travel anywhere on earth with ease. Come on, let me show you our little hideout.”

Amethyst wasn’t sure at first, she echoed and questioned, “our little hideout?” emphasizing on the word.

“Why yes!” Rose responded, “You see, I’m in this group called The Crystal Gems, and I would like to take you in as a new member! Wouldn’t that be so much fun! You’ll meet other gems and make friends instead of staying all alone in this boring, dense, and meaningless place?”

Rose sounded very eager to leave and go literally anywhere than stay one more second of the kindergarten.

But amethyst took note on the last thing she said, “Meaningless place?”

“Hm?” Rose realized what she just said but dismissed it poorly. “Oh that? Don’t mind that, I just meant this *arm spread*, is not a place for a cute little gem like you! Let’s go, shall we?”

Rose concentrated on the next where to go, and as she did, the warp pad glowed with Amethyst doing a quick glance, fascinated by the aura and the moonlight glow. As the warp pad glow brighter and brighter, the magic set its course and made a really loud “Shhiiinnggg~” sound, very much surprising the new gem who was now currently floating, travelling with the giant pink lady into anywhere but the place she called home.

Word count goal for part 1 – 3000 words, achieved. Total words: 3504.

heyyoo, you've reached the end of Part 1, Found, and yes it IS named after the song in the movie! That's what imma going for, naming each parter after a steven universe song (preferrable something fitting). I think it fits pretty well since we're going through Amethyst's backstory, her origin and how she was first found by Rose (As mentioned in the episode "On the run"). We got to how she lived on her own for a while, her first interactions, and echoes/repeats (which were highlighted from the movie). Really love that i got the chance to show you guys my own take on Amethyst's origin! It was pretty fun from the writing perspective!

Again, in case anyone was in awe of the artworks, these pieces are traced from certain episodes of the show, which will be announced as its own post later on.

If you enjoyed reading this chapter, consider giving it a like or even a reblog! If the amount of notes of this post exceeds a certain number, like idk, 50? Then i would consider posting the second part of the chapter earlier than scheduled! Anyways, and as always, thanks for reading and reaching to the end, really appreciate you guys for reading the whole thing, and see you guys maybe in two weeks.

Or sooner?

or in two weeks lol

#steven universe #amethystorigin #rosequartz #amethyst #kindergarten #ontherun

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princepokemon · 3 years ago

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I’m BACK. Again. 😨 Between my VERY long trip away from home and school, it’s been hectic but hopefully I can get back to posting semi normally again!

Figured I’d start out with a dump of DnD doodles from my last campaign featuring my favorite boy, Mani :)

Anyway, Mani! He’s a tiefling merchant who doubled as the group's pack mule. His travelling companions were Benny the gnome archeologist and Rahm the goliath Vagabond.

I had a great time with my friends but unfortunately our DM dipped mid campaign and I haven’t played for some time.

Here’s the character background/motivation piece I had to submit for anyone who’s into that kind of stuff. It’s sloppy but it gets the job done lol

—-

Fear is a powerful motivator. Fear of failure and death, fear of beasts and blood or the fear of being known; Manok Rhodara has molded his entire life around fleeing it.

Born into a small family of laborers in a very large city, he spent his younger years watching his parents trapped in the endless cycle of poverty. They’d toil away with seemingly no end in sight yet he still longed for something greater. Nevermind the nobles that paraded around in their carriages adorned with jewels, the simple merchant walking the streets with a full belly and spare coin was something he could wrap his brain around. His elder sister Nefaria had mocked him for his ambitions, but he kept his head down and did his best to observe the shopworkers he admired, emulating them in his precious free time.

Dreaming and doing are two different things however. His mother, a talented painter, had never successfully sold a single painting. Manok would watch her weep in their room after a day of fruitless peddling; tears muddying the beautiful discarded landscape. No one wants to sully homes with the work of an impoverished devil kin. He held out hope that the world outside the city walls didn’t hold these grudges. A fateful afternoon with his father would quickly extinguish these thoughts though.

He had so often felt the stares of disdain from the other races that he rarely acknowledged them anymore but that day he remembered them feeling particularly sharp. As they strolled through the city making their usual stops to resupply, Manok pleaded with his father to visit the local jewelers. The shopkeep was a shrewd elf who had recently lost his apprentice and Manok was confident he could wrangle a position if he could just get his foot in the door.

Relenting, his father agreed on the condition that they never step foot in the store again if the master rejected him. Though unimpressed, the shopkeeper miraculously agreed to start training him as an errand boy after some smooth talking and a bit of pitiful begging (until he could find a “suitable” replacement he’d said). In the owner’s words, “Put a hat on and you could pass for an elf. If you keep that tail hidden and your mouth shut you might have a chance at doing this right.”.

An unusual victory was quickly dashed by an unusual misfortune as an insidious bystander took advantage of the irregular pair, swiping a handful of gems and planting a few on his father. It wasn’t long before the situation quickly devolved into a heated shouting match with police in tow and that was all it took to throw his family’s life out of kilter.

The remaining Rhodaras were scrutinized by the law after his father was branded a thief and thrown in prison. Stall owners rejected their goods and they were banned from many parts of the city. The places they could walk freely, judgmental eyes followed their every move and attempted to imprison them over minor insurrections. His sister swore revenge while his mother fell into a deep depression. Confused and scared for his life, Manok did the only thing he felt he could do. Run. So he did.

He ran for weeks and weeks stowing away on boats and picking through trash. In the forests he drank rainwater and foraged familiar plants and bark he could recognize from the markets back home. He didn’t know the full extent of his travels until he was much older but he had trekked an entire continent away to the Forest Islet.

It was there deep in the woods untouched by man, that he stumbled upon a grand weeping cherry and the fae within it: Punella. It had been decades since a sentient soul had wandered their way into her mystical grotto and even longer since she had formed a pact. A glance at his sniveling face was all it took for her to pity the boy enough to reveal her form and administer her guardian test. Three simple trials to expose his true nature. He was reserved, studious, observant and very afraid but when the kind-hearted dryad offered her guidance, he recognized a great opportunity and never looked back.

He would maintain responsibility for her grotto and in exchange for his dedication she would grant him knowledge, magic and, most crucial of all, companionship. He spent the following years learning the arts of crafting and deception while honing his hunting skills. By the time he could truly call himself ‘self-reliant’ he was nearly 17 and his thirst for knowledge was full throttle.

His favorite of all was illusory magic, creating baubles and trinkets to decorate his camp and make him smile. What started as a hobby grew into something marketable and it wasn’t long before he was imbuing attractive charms into delicate crafts he made from the surrounding forest. Even his patron was impressed.

The woods had their own charm, but camping in a shabby hut he pieced together haphazardly had gotten old long ago. To really make a change, he’d need materials he couldn’t find surrounded by the trees. For materials he’d need someone to supply them and….. money. After some gentle encouragement, he hatched a plan to try his hand at the market once.

Once he mustered up the confidence to venture out, he traded pelts for books. Many, many books. He spent months pouring over encyclopedias and cultural commentaries. The main subject of his study was covering elves. He knew some of their mannerisms from his time in the city but his end goal would have him immersed in their lifestyle. His time in the city taught him that tieflings are easy victims and if he was finally getting the chance to delve into the world of commerce, he was going to do it right. He didn’t need to be perfect immediately but he had to appear legitimate enough to sell enough junk to build an adequate home.

With that, the life of Manok Rhodara was snuffed out and the adventure of Manolari Nym began. Despite spending his early teens isolated in the woods, he was able to appear warm and personable to the closest neighboring townsfolk. It wasn’t long until he developed a rapport with the local craftsman and was regularly completing projects with them during his trips out from the woods. He would never stay long and his mysterious nature prompted some rumors but somehow, impossibly, the world he’d dreamed of was within his grasp.

On cold nights he thought back on his time with his family and wondered what he could have done differently. He remembered the despair and panic; He remembered how he abandoned them to escape it. But he was happy now. His days with Punella were carefree and her gentle presence was a gift. The guilt could be aching, but Mani was willing to live that and far greater if it meant keeping what they had built together.

Life is a lottery with impossible odds. If you’re lucky enough, you might get to draw again. How far would you go to protect that second chance?

#DnD #dnd oc #Dungeons and Dragons #Tiefling #OC #Gnome #Goliath #Mani #Benny #Rahm #Nefaria #my art #I've been lurking and liking stuff still #But it's been weird not having a PC for 2 months #I'll probably get distracted playing games instead of posting tbh #😭😭 I'll try

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #303

“if i can’t be loved, then i’ll be hated”

What color are your glasses, if applicable? Black. Candy corn or conversation hearts? They're both gross, don't make me pick between garbage. Do you own a lot of earrings? Not really after I weeded them out before moving. What did your backpack in high school look like? I dare say I had the dopest backpack of them all. It looked like a massive Ouija board, and the zipper was the planchet (sp?). Have you ever been to a rave? Nah. What is your favorite art medium? I have a particular fondness of oil paintings. They tend to look so smooth, and you can achieve incredible realism with them. How far away is the nearest hospital from you? Not even five minutes, I think. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My mom. What is your favorite car color? Pink, duh. How did you learn to type? We actually had a class specifically for typing in middle school. What style of wedding dress do you want? I don't have that set in stone yet, but I really do love ballgown dresses with long trains as well as a-lines with a moderate train. I love a lot, except really for mermaid dresses. Do you fit into any stereotype, or are you non-stereotypical? I don't know if I fit perfectly into any and really don't care. Would you want your first child to have your hair color? ???? I don't care about their hair lol?????? It would depend on the hypothetical father, in which case I'd probably find it cute, but this is so, so unimportant. Do you enjoy writing in cursive? Yeah, it just feels good and flowy to me. What is your favorite hair color? Natural? Probably blonde with natural darker undertones throughout. I like blonde hair because it's far easier to dye, haha. Now, if we're including DYED hair, rose gold or pastel pink is *chefs kiss* What is your favorite eye color? Sapphire blue, probz. Would you put your birthday on a different day if you could? Nah, it's fine where it is. What holiday is your birthday closest to? Valentine's. Do you vent on social media a lot? NOOOOOOOO. I barely post ANYTHING about myself on social media because I feel like I'm being annoying, self-absorbed, find anything I do actually interesting, or don't want people to think I'm a whiner. All I ever really do on social media is share or reblog funny shit, things I love, stuff I find relatable or inspirational, educational, important for whatever reason, etc... Do you have abusive parents? I am very thankful to say no. Is your house haunted? Doesn't seem like it. What's your favorite thing to watch on YouTube? I'm in a real WoW-related phase lately... Watching my favorite streamers, gold farming guides, and other various aspects of the game. What are five health problems that you have? I talk about the mental issues enough, so I guess I'll talk about physical stuff here. Uhhh I have very low blood pressure (it's a med side effect), I have extremely weak legs following muscle atrophy, I have bad tremors, especially in my hands (amplified by medication once again), maybe TMI but we're adults here and it's a legit issue that I have chronic and severe conspitation, aaaand then of course I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) to a fucking outrageous and also humiliating degree. Ooooonce again as a prescription side effect. This answer made meds sound kinda bad, I know, but really, I'd rather have the will to live and just have to deal with these than want to die everyday and not. Do you have surgery coming up? No, let's keep it that way until I lose enough weight and when I am 110% getting loose skin removal. Which family member(s) do you look the most like? My sisters, ig. People say my mom also, but I honestly don't see it. Have you ever cried while watching a YouTube video? Yeah, usually just in let's plays, but it's happened for other reasons. Are you missing a website that just shut down? Nah, none that I know of. NO. FUCKING WAIT. So, when my laptop was fixed, a LOT of shit was wiped from it, and that included all of my goddamn Lightroom editing presets. The site they were from no longer exists, so I had to use a different, pretty sub-par one to install at least a few because it helps me get a start on editing the photograph and leaning towards the "vibe" I want before spending like 15+ minutes tuning it myself. Would you be a barefoot bride? No. Which would you rather name your daughter: Eliana, Echo, Emerald, or Ellery? Ohhh, I like these. I think I prefer "Eliana," but "Echo" is a close second. "Ellery" is nice, but it sounds too much like "celery" to name my kid that lmao. Which would you rather name your son: Maverick, Matthew, or Moses? Ugh, none, honestly. But "Matthew" wins. When was the last time you gave a speech? Like a *legit" speech? Probably not since uhhh... I guess when I argued my disability case at court? Does that even count? Have you ever been in a stampede? Well, never seen this'n in a survey before, so good job, lol. No. If you were a fairy, what color would you like your wings to be? It would depend on what I wore, really. And my hair. But probably light pink. Would you rather name your son Storm, Skylar, Sorin, or Solomon? "Sorin." "Skylar" is SO Southern, and "Solomon" sounds like the creepy kid all his classmates avoid and I ain't putting my kid through that. Did you read a devotional this morning? Not my jam. Would you rather be named Arizona, Alaska, Cali, or Georgia? Hm... "Alaska" is actually kinda cool???? And I'm white as fuck so lol????? I wouldn't mind to nickname of "Ally," anyway. Are you repulsed by ugly reptiles? lololol bro get out Did all your friends know about your first crush or was it a secret? I was definitely secretive and shy about it when I first started getting crushes. Do you ever feel insecure about going out without makeup? I feel insecure either way, so... How many different natural hair colors are there in your immediate family? So, this is a hard question to answer. My mom was born with brown hair, but it darkened to almost black; only her daughter Katie inherited that. By some genetic magic, Dad had blond hair as a kid, but it also turned black. Like... how?????? I was born with dirty blonde hair like him, and mine turned an average brown with age. My immediate sisters have always had brown hair. What is your favorite online game? World of Warcraft is ballin'. Would you ever want to be famous and sign autographs? Ha, the idea of signing autographs is awful... I can't physically write very long without my carpal tunnel flaring up. Do you like your shirt to be loose or tight? LOOSE. Especially as a bigger person, tight shirts are just really uncomfortable. What is your favorite Spanish name? I don't know nearly enough to answer this. Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? I think Asia is, in general, more interesting and prettier as a whole, but I guess I'm drawn to European culture being more like my own and there are specific locations I'm interested in, like Germany or Scotland. So to answer the question, I guess Europe wins. Are there any Asians in your family? I don't believe so. Have you ever had colored braces? Haha yeah, I did that when I had them. Do you take birth control pills? Yes, just for period cramps. Without them, they can be immobilizing for me. If you live in the USA: do you feel free and safe? Ha, no. Well, not *entirely*. Have you ever been sick on your birthday? I was recovering from the stomach virus, if that counts. As in I still got sick the day before and felt iffy on my actual bday. 17th, I think? Is talking about your past painful for you? Yes. Are you a member of any support groups online? I'm a member of The Mighty site, if that counts. When I'm feeling very, very sound of mind and helpful without all the negativity being a detriment to myself, I do like going on there and trying to help or comfort people. Have you ever called a suicide hotline? Yes, and the line was busy, and that's when I decided I was a goner. Do you ever fantasize about revenge? I uhhhhh... sometimes. What's a movie you would recommend to someone who never watches movies? Ohhh, that's hard. I don't really watch movies either, and I'm trying to think of one that essentially anyone would like, so hm. Oh, Coco is absolutely a possibility. That movie touched me so, so deeply and is high on my favorites list. It's impossible to not feel the emotions. Do you want to have grandkids? Hell, I don't want kids. Do you want to be an aunt or uncle? I already am one, and I love being an aunt. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I don't remember their names or characters in general. Did you make a lot of home videos growing up? I mean *I* didn't, but Mom filmed quite a few. Do you enjoy babysitting? NO. What's an unpopular opinion that you have? Avoiding some political ones, uhhhh. OH. HERE'S ONE. THE SCENE AESTHETIC IS FUCKING CUTE AND NOT CRINGEY AND YOU CAN FIGHT ME ABOUT IT. Are you attracted to the opposite gender, same gender, or both? Both are A+. Was your first crush on someone of the same gender or opposite? Opposite. As a kid, I didn't even fathom the concept that women could date women. What is something you'll never eat again? Why? Brussel sprouts. Fucking disgusting. What is currently happening that is scaring you? Besides the very obvious answer of "Covid," I worry about my mom a lot. She's so weakened after all the chemo and meds and can do literally less than I can without heavily breathing and sweating. I just worry a lot that cancer will return sooner than we hope; I don't want it to EVER come back, but doctors say it is very, very likely at one point or another because she was so very close to Stage 4. What would be your personal hell? Being completely and entirely isolated forever while somewhere hot and humid, lol. And play one of my trigger songs on repeat eternally. What made the "weird kid" at your school weird? There was this poor guy named Alfred that was VERY clearly depressed out of his mind, and I heard him speak maybe once through all of high school, and the entire class couldn't believe it. He always sat way in the back and never smiled. I wonder how he is nowadays. What is a word you personally find offensive? "Retarded" personally offends me the most when misused and spoken as an insult. What instantly puts you to sleep? Now that is HARD to do; I have a ridiculously hard time going to sleep. The easiest way though would probably be me being drained from an emotional breakdown. That is so exhausting that I'm capable of crashing pretty fast and hard. What song is in a language you don't speak, but you love it anyway? I adore Rammstein, so there's plenty. I'll probably say "Donaukinder" is their best. What is something you would like to do if you weren’t judged for doing it? I keep that I RP a complete secret in my "real" life for this reason unless it's like, pried out of me. What's a movie you think everyone should watch? Why that one? Johnny Got His Gun. See how goddamn disgusting war is. What was the most unexpected good thing that's ever happened to you? Ha, realizing I was bisexual after once being homophobic. What is the funniest fact you know? Oh man, I know a lot of random trivia shit, really, so it's hard to say. Maybe that quokkas throw their offspring at predators to distract and escape from them... As awful as that is, c'mon, you gotta admit it's funny and shocking with just how adorable they are. What was your 'mic drop' moment? Oh, I don't know. Possibly when I publicly came out as bi on Facebook and made it abundantly clear that I gave no shits about some homophobic friends and family & I was beyond willing to let anyone's ass go over it. What's the kindest way a stranger has treated you? I remember as a kid at McDonald's, the woman in front of our car paid for our food; apparently seeing a mom, dad, and three kids in a van was enough that she wanted to just be kind and give us a smile. We have no idea who she was, never saw her face or anything, she was just a sweet woman. What is the biggest design flaw of your body? Okay, I'm going to let go of all hatred for my body weight-wise and just think of this as from a strictly natural design perspective, in which case I'd say my toes are too small. What age are you afraid of turning and why? 30, because I'm terrified of getting there and seeing I've possibly gone nowhere. What is the strangest thing you have ever felt? I'm keeping this question in just because I think there could be some interesting answers for others, but I'm witholding my answer because nobody wants or needs to know lmao. What makes someone immediately unlikable? Acting better than others and belittling. Who's a villain you sympathize with and why? D A R K I P L I E R because of his origins and overall purpose and just simply existing. What is something you regret to NOT have done? I have this oddly weird regret of not going like, all-all the way with He Who Shall Not Be Named????? Idk why though????? Considering I loved him way too much and I was a reckless and impulsive person who probably at some point would have wound up accidentally pregs????? What a fuckin trip that woulda been. What movie changed your life for the better? None have really "changed my life." What book you think should be directed as a film? Oh, idk. Most I can think of have been. Of all the decades you've lived in, which one have you liked best? The 2000s, probably. A carefree kid. How are you doing today? I'm exhausted. While out with Mom and my sisters yesterday, we got behind a van whose driver was obviously drunk or high off his goddamn ass, and he was swerving EVERYWHERE, nearly shoving so many cars off the road. Mom called 911 to get in contact with highway patrol to report his dumb fucking ass in. I was having an absolute panic attack and cried quietly like the entire 45 or so minute drive home. I was just so, so upset because this is why I don't fucking drive, and I felt like I'd made my sister (who was driving) mad because she had to firmly tell me I had to calm down (I was hyperventilating and talking to myself to try to calm down) if she was going to focus and keep us safe. She later ensured me she wasn't mad, but I still wasn't the same the entire rest of the day. Anyway, I slept hard last night but had two nightmares, so I'm still really tired today. I'm trying to keep myself really distracted. What's something your relatives don't know about you? A whole lot really, considering beyond my very immediate family, I see almost nobody because they live many states away. What's something your parents did, which you have sworn never to do? Mom would spank us or slap an arm pretty hard if my sisters or I misbehaved or "disrespected" her by "talking back." I'm not having kids, but I would never, ever, ever, put my hands on them in any way that isn't loving. You do not teach children via inflicting fear. I also have this probably overly strong aversion to beer because that's what Dad always drank as an alcoholic. I'll probably never try it, not that I really want to because it smells awful. What's the most annoying thing your pet does? I feel like "annoying" is the wrong word for this, but Roman (my cat) can be incredibly demanding of attention and to lie on me when I'm on the laptop in bed, and sometimes I just want space and be able to clearly see the screen, haha. He will legit meow like a baby and gently swat my arm sometimes if I try to keep him back. Heeee usually gets his way. As for Venus (snek), she does nothing "annoying" either, but rather a bit concerning to a snake mom: she is usually very slow to find and strike her food. I feed her frozen/thawed mice, and she will first slither around her entire cage, tongue flicking and clearly looking for her food, even though I always place it atop the same spot on her hide, and she can have her head RIGHT beside it and still do nothing. She ultimately generally eats (as a ball python though, she's a picky eater and will occasionally reject a meal), but I of course wonder why she's odd about dinnertime... As a champagne, she does have the notorious "spider gene" in her, which can cause neurological issues, but idk if something like this could be related.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''rise rebel resist'' by otep

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shinneth · 5 years ago

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SUF as a whole just left me with an empty feeling.

I feel you there, anon. In Dreams aside, I could take or leave the rest of this series (and in most cases, leaning well towards the latter sentiment).

But I guess that’s to be expected when 90% of SUF focused squarely on Steven’s PTSD and need for therapy and the many, many red flags shown as early on as the beginning that signaled his eventual breakdown to where he ended up in the climax.

Especially with the fanbase itself constantly screeching that Steven needs therapy, Steven has PTSD, Steven’s gonna corrupt, et cetera… like, it was all laid on far too thick. So when we got to Growing Pains, it really didn’t move me like it did so many others because it came off as such a “No shit, Sherlock” moment for me when Priyanka finally addressed the underlying issues the show itself really didn’t even bother trying to be subtle about.

Don’t get me wrong; a lot of people who have suffered (or are presently suffering) from the same problems as Steven irl have been helped a lot by these kinds of episodes, and I do appreciate that.

But from my personal standpoint, yeah… I knew from the start that Steven’s underlying issues alone were not gonna be enough to sustain a full series, and sure enough, it wasn’t. We got to see some bits here and there with the other characters, but we also had a few choice characters be really shitty people in season 5 that never got properly addressed before it concluded, and with the timeskip in SUF, all of that just got handwaved off as “dealt with offscreen”, which is the laziest BS ever.

And worst of all, at the end, they really didn’t stick the landing well at all. I’ll at least say SUF’s resolution wasn’t the mega levels of offensively terrible as Change Your Mind - but then again, it’s hard to out-do giving totalitarian space dictators with countless lives lost under their watch a fucking FACE-TURN out of nowhere.

Like, really, the Diamonds’ presence (White especially) in SUF actively made my viewing experience even worse towards the end. Yes, I should be glad they’re establishing that the Diamonds are at least starting to use their powers for good and rebuild some of the lives they ruined.

But, y’know… doesn’t change the fact that they’re all responsible for multiple counts of global genocide. Like, any living creatures native to their colony planets? They’re still fucking gone. And the Diamonds themselves just come off VERY unnatural as “nice” guys - and in many cases, they’re even creepier now than they were as villains. Good god, White’s blubbering in the climax was fucking insufferable, though.

Partially I think this comes from SU being a “kids show” so there’s this pressing need to end things as cleanly as possible. I’m more miffed that in the end, Steven still got pretty much everything he wanted.

They had some admittedly good set-ups to Steven’s growth, like having him accept that people grow up, change, and move on with their lives. We see the clear evidence that Steven’s got an unhealthy clinginess towards his human friends - and Connie’s no exception.

And considering they took the time to establish that:

Connie has friends other than Steven. She gets along with them just fine, so it’s not like she’s totally lonely or isolated without him.

Connie is ambitious with many goals and aspirations when it comes to her education and potential career paths. She’s shown to have put a lot of thought into her options and at no point comes off as feeling pressured by her parents or friends into this.

Connie knows she has to work hard and often to achieve her dreams, and despite that rigid lifestyle, it doesn’t seem to bother her in the least. That would imply she really wants to reach these goals she set for herself, whether or not Steven’s in the picture at all.

Connie and Steven’s dynamic is a far cry from how it was when they started out in the original series. You can tell Steven has no clue what Connie’s talking about when it comes to her goals and just plays along, pretending he understands anything coming out of her mouth.

Connie, despite what her speech would lead you to believe, has been every bit as insufferably dense as the gems in SUF when it comes to Steven’s issues. In Bismuth Casual, Steven’s very specifically-worded concerns were misconstrued as a fear of skating (or his inability to, whatever) - and in the end, they just became Stevonnie rather than properly talked things through. You know, something PERIDOT 100% did in the prior episode.

Connie is very firm about wanting to live her life as herself. She’s not against being Stevonnie from time to time, but like hell does she want to be Stevonnie for the long term.

Connie knows marrying in general at her age is a stupid-stupid-stupid idea, even if it is Steven. And considering her well-established commitment to her studies and reaching her lofty goals, Connie - at least at the time - seemed to know a relationship with anyone just wasn’t in the cards for her at this point in her life. There’s no need to rush that shit, and she won’t compromise her life just to give her needy friend this thing he wants that he doesn’t even fully understand truly is.

Or, you know… just have Connie backpedal hard on a good chunk of that and date Steven so that he won’t become a monster again. I’m mostly kidding with that - but by kissing his monstrous self and that triggering his restoration, then soon later we see that even though Steven and Connie can only have a long-distance relationship at best, she’s dating him right now anyway even though this needlessly makes her life way more complicated than it needed to be - like seriously, how can I not take that as Canon Connverse being founded on the condition of “Okay, if it’ll keep you from losing your shit, going pink, and turning into a monster, I’ll date you”?!

And in the end it yet again gives Steven more-or-less exactly what he wants, even if it isn’t something he really needs.

I’m glad Rebecca clarified that Steven would still visit Beach City often, because I had a very hard time buying him just traveling by himself on the road. And maybe it would have worked better if he was just doing it short-term to “find himself” or something along those lines, but nope! They’re basically saying this is what Steven wants to do.

And honestly, even that is dampened with his clearly-stated intention of visiting Connie way more than he intends to visit the gems. Even though Connie’s gonna be busy. With college.

This just… wasn’t a good ending. It had plenty of good moments - his goodbye to Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot especially was very well-executed and the closest this finale came to drawing out any real emotion out of me. I loved the scene of Steven giving Greg his room; that was adorable. The last meeting with Tsundere Jasper was amusing.

But everything else… ehhh.

I mean, what can we really take from this season that I haven’t already outlined? The biggest takeaways were the plot points everyone saw coming a mile away that weren’t even executed all that well.

In Dreams, as great at is was, might as well have not even happened - because what really carried over from that episode through to the end? Even though Peridot was the only one who got through to Steven, legitimately comforted him and addressed his fears, and the episode for once ended with Steven being happy with no underlying concerns about his problems - immediately he’s back to being awkward and depressed and frustrated by Bismuth Casual.

And I get that shit like trauma shouldn’t be resolved so easily, but for what In Dreams accomplished, I expected there to at least be a semblance of progress. Steven’s known since that episode he can hang out with Peridot and talk to her about whatever without needing a reason to do it, but he never ever takes her up on that again.

So again, what was the point?

You really get the impression that the quality of writing took a backseat just to emphasize the symbolism of an issue people commonly have, but SUF’s execution stretched my suspension of disbelief far beyond its limits.

And nothing stretched that farther than Connie’s insufferable fucking speech in I Am My Monster; that pretty much completely made In Dreams feel like it never really happened in SUF’s continuity.

In some ways, I just prefer to believe In Dreams was just a dream itself. An AU offshoot in SUF itself. Considering it’s so ridiculously good compared to the other nineteen episodes and by far the most pure and wholesome, maybe that’s the best way to see it.

In Dreams was too good for its own series. That’s literally the only thing I personally took from SUF as a whole (at least in terms of lasting impact).

So yeah, I guess for only one episode of twenty to really hit me in the feels, “empty” is an apt way to describe the series, anon.

Seriously, if I didn’t have my own massive SU-AU to mess around in and do things properly, this probably would have upset me more.

Instead, I just chuckle at Rebecca’s Monster Steven and raise her to what I’m putting my version of Steven through in my current story. Where I’m pulling all the stops to make other characters matter even though the stars are undoubtedly Peridot and Steven.

And I’m actually making actions yield serious, lasting consequences.

(yeah, part of me wishes Jasper wasn’t revived - or alternatively, have Steven accidentally shatter White Diamond instead of Jasper since he came awfully close in canon

or even better, shatter Jasper and revive her, then accidentally shatter White and not be able to revive her since Steven used up ALL that diamond essence on Jasper…

yeah I’m kind of a monster)

Your pain is mutually felt, anon. So I’ll prescribe you endless refills of better-written and better-executed SU fanon to heal the emptiness SUF left inside you.

#answered asks #nice anons #steven universe future #suf finale #steven universe

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quicksilversquared · 6 years ago

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There’s No Camembert in Tibet Outtakes: Ch 3

Emilie: A New Normal

"Mom, are you ready? We're going to be late!"

"Almost, dear," Emilie called back, giving her reflection one last glance in the bedroom mirror. It was one that Gabriel's parents had given to them for their wedding, and she tapped at the frame, wondering not for the first time since she arrived home if she should just donate it and replace it with a different mirror. She had never liked it that much and, well, she had been considering having her bedroom redecorated to her tastes now that she was going to be the only one in it.

Emilie wanted to hire an interior designer and get the entire house redone, erasing Gabriel's shadow that was still hanging over it. She wanted to clean out and redo her wardrobe, rediscovering and reclaiming her own sense of style. She wanted to get started on her own fresh start, moving ahead with her life and leaving behind her time with Gabriel instead of wanting it back.

...she wanted to cling to her old things, her familiar things, and not change up the house right away. So much in her life had already change while she was in limbo and unaware of time passing, and Emilie couldn't help but want some things to stay the same, just for a little bit longer.

It was a strange feeling, being tugged between wanting to cling and wanting to change, and Emilie didn't like it.

"Mom?"

"I'm coming!" She ran a hand through her hair quickly, making sure that it looked all right before grabbing her purse and heading out of the room. She really had to get to a hairdresser and get a mani-pedi to get fully refreshed and feel more like herself again, but she simply hadn't had the time. She had been too busy settling back into life in Paris and getting caught up with what Adrien had been up to to bother with much anything else.

And she had missed so much. His first day at school, being there as he made new friends, and his first crush. She hadn't been there to watch Adrien fall in love or help him work up the courage to ask his crush out. She hadn't been there to help him pick out a first-date outfit or pick out flowers to bring to his girlfriend. She hadn't been there to help him navigate arguments with his friends, or anything.

At least she was back now and could be a part of things going forward. Emilie had met Adrien's girlfriend Marinette already- such a sweet girl, and so talented!- and her initial concerns about an aspiring designer dating an established teen model and son of a famous designer had vanished by the end of their first conversation. Now she and Adrien were going out to spend the day with Marinette and his other friends, so she would get to know them and would know who Adrien was talking about when he told her stories about what he had done over the past year.

Adrien was practically dancing with impatience by the time Emilie got down to the door. He settled down long enough to hold the door open for her as they left, then bounded towards the gate.

Emilie had remembered leaving a quiet, polite child, one that was taught to control and hide his excitement from a young age so that he wouldn't attract negative tabloid attention. Adrien was still polite, of course, but now his enthusiasm bubbled over more often than not.

Rather than being depressed and lonely and isolated because of his father's actions and arrest, Adrien was thriving after getting out from under Gabriel's thumb. It was lovely to see, and Emilie couldn't hold in the giggle as she ran after Adrien.

Even though she had only been back for a few days, Emilie could feel a difference in the house's atmosphere. It was still too large and stuffy- a requirement of Gabriel's, for when he had business company over that he wanted to impress- but there was more energy, more smiling, more fun. Their chef was experimenting more, rather than sticking to Gabriel's list of preferable dishes, and even Nathalie and Gerald were more relaxed as they went around their daily duties. To go along with the mood, Emilie had ditched the formal pantsuits that Gabriel had designed for her, instead favoring some far less stuffy blouses and skirts that she had found in the back of her closet.

The blouse-and-skirt combo was a much better choice for a walk in the summer. It was more freeing to wear, too.

"They said that they would meet us in the park near Marinette's place," Adrien told Emilie as she caught up just outside the gate. "Which isn't far! Marinette lives right across the street from the school!"

"Françoise Dupont?" Emilie asked, trying to remember. She knew that that was where Chloe Bourgeois went, so she was familiar with the name, at least. She had heard Chloe talking about it the few times that the girl had come over for dinner in the past. She smiled when Adrien nodded. "Oh, that must be nice, to be so close to the school."

"We all love going over and visiting," Adrien said with a grin. "And Mr. Dupain and Mrs. Cheng always give us treats, whenever they have leftovers from the bakery. Or whenever they're experimenting with a recipe and want to share. They're the best bakery in Paris."

It didn't take long for Emilie to place the name. "Oh! Oh, I thought that name sounded familiar! The Dupain-Cheng bakery? I love their store. I could never visit often, of course, but it was always a delight. That opera cake that you always loved so much was from there."

"Really? I don't think I've had it since." Adrien tiled his head, thoughtful, and then shrugged. "I'm guessing they might mostly make them to order, maybe? Or just make a couple to sell during the day. That seems like something that they wouldn't want leftovers of."

"I'll order one soon," Emilie promised. At the mention of the bakery, she had started craving their pastries. Their chef tried, he really did, but he excelled at cooking, not patisserie. It was an art that took a steady hand and a good deal of patience to learn how to do properly.

They crossed the street into the park, and Adrien sped up when he spotted a group of teens sitting on the ground. He called to them, and they all hopped up as one and headed over.

"This is just my closest group of friends," Adrien explained to Emilie. "Marinette, of course, and Nino and Alya. I invited Chloe, but she apparently had an appointment with a hairdresser scheduled already. We might run into some of the others later on."

"Well, I do know Chloe already," Emilie said, waving as the three figures drew closer. "So you're still friends with her, then?"

Adrien shrugged. "A bit, yeah. We hadn't been hanging out as much as we used to, but she's gotten better about, uh..."

About not being so much of a brat? Emilie filled in mentally, but she didn't say it out loud. She had been increasingly concerned about Chloe and her influence on Adrien prior to her last trip to Tibet, mostly because it seemed as though Chloe had learned that all she needed to do to get her way was to throw a fit about something and her father would bend over backwards. Emilie had no idea how Chloe would be driven to change after so long, but she was willing to give Adrien's old friend the benefit of the doubt.

"Hi, Mrs.- er, Emilie," Marinette said, quickly correcting herself. Emilie grinned at her as she came in for a hug. She had told Marinette that there was no need to be at all formal with her, partly because she wanted to make a good impression with Adrien's friends and partly because she didn't think that she wanted to keep on using her married title anymore.

"Hi, Marinette!" Emilie said cheerfully, returning the hug and stepping back. "It's a lovely day, isn't it? Adrien said something about a picnic?"

"It's a perfect day," Marinette agreed. She beamed up at Adrien and rolled up on her toes to press a quick kiss to his lips. They were so cute together, and Emilie was torn between glancing away to give them their privacy and watching them because young love was adorable. "Alya has a basket that her mom sent- she's the head chef at the Grand Paris, and she makes incredible food- and then I have the bread and dessert. Nino brought a blanket."

"And Adrien brought you," the other girl- Alya, she must be- chimed in. She stuck out a hand. "I'm Alya, and this is my boyfriend Nino."

Nino waved. A blanket was tucked under his other arm. "It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Agreste."

"Please, call me Emilie," Emilie told them quickly. "It's so nice to meet you. Adrien has been telling me all about you guys, and I've been looking forward to meeting you so much!"

"We were thrilled to hear that you had been rescued," Alya told her. She gestured at Adrien. "Adrien was absolutely over the moon when he told us."

"I thought there was some sort of emergency, since he was calling us up so late," Nino added.

"Nathalie told me that he was on a date that night," Emilie said, remembering the call that she had made home. "He must have gotten back pretty late, then, because I thought it would have been early afternoon when I called." She flashed an impish grin at her son. "That must have been a very long date."

Adrien's cheeks turned pink. "It was an anniversary. We went out for lunch and stayed out until after dinner."

Emilie just had to shake her head, a smile on her face. If she was remembering right, it had been a two-month anniversary. If Adrien was doing half-day dates for his two-month anniversary, what would he do for when they got to a year, or two years? Would they start with breakfast and go until midnight?

Ah, well. It was cute, and Emilie looked forward to helping Adrien planning his and Marinette's future outings.

They headed across the park so that Marinette and Alya could pick up their picnic baskets. Adrien immediately took the basket from Marinette, peering in and letting out a squeal of excitement before pulling Marinette into a hug. "It's like you read my mind! I was just thinking about this earlier!"

For her part, Marinette only laughed and hugged Adrien back, not looking fazed at all by his behavior. Emilie had raised an eyebrow, still not used to this new Adrien's impulsive behavior and unrestrained expressions. "I thought you might like it. Maman saw you eying the display when you were in the bakery last."

Adrien spluttered as Emilie laughed. "I thought I wasn't being obvious about it!"

Alya and Nino laughed at that, too. "Dude, you're never subtle about anything when it comes to you and sweets. You get heart eyes when you see anything you want to try."

"I do not!" Adrien protested, turning his biggest kitten eyes to Marinette. "Do I?"

Marinette giggled, patting Adrien's shoulder. "You do sort of wear your stomach on your sleeve, love."

Adrien clapped his free hand to his heart. "Betrayed, by my own girlfriend! Whatever should I do now?"

Emilie smiled as she watched the small group interact, all smiles and teasing. They were clearly close, and she wondered how they had gotten as comfortable as they were with each other over the course of only a year. She had spent far more time with some of her private school friends back when she was a kid, and she had never been nearly as comfortable with them as Adrien clearly was with his friends. Nino reached over and ruffled Adrien's hair, and Adrien just laughed and ducked away. Alya and Marinette were giggling over something, and when the boys were done goofing around, they slid into the conversation easily enough.

She had missed so much, but even as upset as Emilie was about that, she knew that she was lucky. She could have been freed in five years, or ten, or twenty or fifty (or never), and then she would have come back to find Adrien an adult, maybe with his own kids or grandkids- or, even worse, gone.

If she considered it in that way, then Emilie was very, very lucky. Even with as much that had changed over the past year, even with as overwhelming as it was to take in, at least Emilie could recognize her son. She might have missed his first day of school and his first crush, but at least she hadn't missed any weddings or babies. A few new friends and a new school were easy enough to accept. Emilie was disappointed to have missed the start of Adrien's relationship, but she could live with that. And while the changes in Adrien's personality were harder to immediately get used to- she wasn't used to him acting so free- it was hardly a complete about-face from the boy that she had left.

As they headed across the city- apparently they wanted to actually eat somewhere else, but the first park had just been a convenient meeting place- Emilie gradually got to know more about Adrien's new best friends.

Alya ran the Ladyblog, which had all of the most up-to-date Ladybug information. It wasn't really that active anymore- the superheroes had been out of the country, of course, and Alya had been on a trip recently as well which had kept her from posting anything new- but there were still pictures that people submitted when they spotted Ladybug and Chat Noir out and about. She didn't say anything about other superheroes, and so Emilie guessed that her assumption from the trip was probably correct- while Ladybug and Chat Noir lived in Paris, the rest of the group probably lived elsewhere and had just gotten together to rescue her. Maybe they would come and visit on occasion now that they had all become closer over the course of the trip, but they hadn't lived in the city before.

"And I was able to help sometimes with my reporting, so I got special interviews even though I'm an amateur reporter," Alya was telling her, and Emilie nodded along. "And sometimes Ladybug or Chat Noir would submit pictures that they had taken of themselves. They just sent me the coolest pictures of them plus some other superheroes, but I haven't had the chance to post them yet."

"Oh, they must be photos that they took on the trip to rescue me," Emilie commented. "It's gorgeous countryside, really. I got to take a picture of them by a waterfall."

Alya pointed at her. "Yes! That's the best one, with all seven of them. Can I interview you about them sometime? About what the other superheroes are like? Paris already knows Ladybug and Chat Noir so well, but the others are a bit of a mystery."

"Well, that's good that Paris already knows Ladybug and Chat Noir, because I couldn't really get to know them. They were a bit aloof with me," Emilie commented. She considered Alya's request. "And I'm open to doing an interview, but not right away. I'm still adjusting and trying to get caught up with everything else."

"Of course!" Alya did a little dance, and the rest of the group grinned at her enthusiasm. "That's, uh, so weird that Ladybug and Chat Noir weren't friendly. They normally are!"

Emilie could only shrug. She had her own theories about why Ladybug and Chat Noir had kept their distance- the higher probability of running into them versus the other users, their exhaustion with their lives revolving around their superhero duties for a year, not wanting to interact with Hawkmoth's wife- but she wasn't going to be bothered by it. "I'm sure they were looking forward to their lives getting back to normal." She turned to Nino, who had been trotting along next to Alya. "So Nino, what do you like doing for fun?"

Nino told her. And, three minutes later, Emilie had a sneaking suspicion that Gabriel probably hadn't liked Nino much. He was perfectly polite, but had an informalness about him that would drive her stern husband up the wall. It took a little getting used to- Emilie was pretty certain that she had never been addressed as "dude" before in her life- but she could tell that Nino didn't mean any disrespect.

She could see why Adrien liked them. They were friendly and didn't seem to take them too seriously, which was such a change from his father. They laughed together easily, and Emilie was willing to bet that they were probably a supportive group for studying as well.

Before long, they had arrived at another park and Marinette and Nino spread out the blanket. The baskets held down two corners, and they all helped unload the food.

Baguettes and buns came out of Marinette's basket. The rest of the picnic came out of Alya's, bowls and leftover containers and bags of food. It was a lot even for five people, and that was even without dessert- which, if Emilie was reading Adrien correctly, there was probably a cake still in Marinette's basket.

Well, they certainly knew how to relax.

Even though there were other picnickers in the park, their group still started receiving attention only a few minutes after they had gotten themselves served up. There were people snapping photos of Emilie and Adrien, and a couple people started wandering closer

Emilie frowned. She had wanted to have a nice, quiet lunch out, but apparently they wouldn't get that. They would probably have people approaching them in the next few minutes unless they did something.

"Would any of you object if I called Gerald out to join us?" Emilie asked, glancing around the circle. "People might be less likely to bother us if he's here."

There was a pause, and then Emilie caught sight of the teens' puzzled expression. Alya mouthed "Gerald?" to Adrien, and then Emilie caught on.

Ah, right. How had she forgotten about Adrien's nickname for his driver? He had probably never told them the Gorilla's real name.

"Adrien's driver and bodyguard," Emilie clarified, and she wasn't surprised to see the comprehension dawn on their faces. Marinette elbowed Adrien, looking fondly exasperated as she rolled her eyes at him. He just shrugged, looking sheepish.

He had always had a hard time remembering Gerald's name, for whatever reason. Emilie supposed that coming up with a nickname was probably more respectful than what Chloe did, with just coming up with different iterations of her butler's names and never using the same one more than once in a row.

"We'd love to have him," Alya said, glancing around at the others for confirmation. "We have plenty of food to share, if he wants to bring a plate and a fork. Or- actually, I think we might have an extra in here."

Emilie smiled as she pulled out her phone to text Gerald. Already she could already tell that Adrien's new friends were a good influence. Chloe would have allowed the bodyguard for Adrien's sake, but not even thought about offering him any food.

Gerald only took a couple minutes to arrive, making Emilie suspect that he might have been hanging around nearby in case he was needed. The lingering pedestrians cleared off as soon as he appeared, and then they continued their picnic in peace.

A lovely meal finished up with generous slices of Opera cake, and Emilie had to smile at the contented look on Adrien's face. He flopped down on the ground with his head in Marinette's lap once they had finished, nestling down with his eyes closed and a smile on his lips. Emilie very nearly opened her mouth to scold him for not asking Marinette's permission first- girlfriend or no, permission was important- but Marinette had just smiled fondly down at Adrien, her hand going to brush through his hair automatically. They looked so comfortable that it made Emilie guess that they had probably already talked about boundaries when it came to casual touches with each other.

Emilie was curious about what kinds of boundaries they had set, truth be told. From what she had seen, Adrien and Marinette were incredibly close, far beyond any other relationship she had ever seen at their age, and seemed to not have much of a personal bubble with it came to the other person. It was a bit unusual for a relationship that was only just over two months old.

"Oh, look, Alix and Kim and Max!" Nino exclaimed several minutes later, once the picnic leftovers had been packed away and they were all relaxing and digesting. He waved, and Emilie followed his gaze to see a trio headed towards them.

"They're three of our classmates," Alya explained to Emilie. "Kim and Alix get into all sorts of dares and contests with each other, and Max times them or judges the results."

"It's really fun to watch," Adrien chimed in, his eyes not opening at all. "Or exasperating, depending on the day and the challenge. Some of their arguments are pretty dumb."

"Yo, we haven't run into you lot for a while!" the taller boy in the group hollered over at them. His footsteps picked up. "The rest of the crew will be here in a few minutes if you guys want to join us for a bit of football! "

"Wait, like everyone?" Adrien wanted to know, finally sitting up. "The whole class?"

"Well, not you lot, and not Chloe or Sabrina, but everyone else from our class."

"We can introduce you to everyone then, mom!" Adrien exclaimed, grinning. "Don't worry, they're all really friendly!"

"I'm sure, dear," Mrs. Agreste assured him, and then she paused, suddenly a bit nervous. "Uh, exactly how many of you are there in your class, exactly?"

Adrien frowned as he thought. "Uh- not many? Around a dozen?"

Emilie relaxed. "Oh. Okay, then." A dozen wasn't bad, not when three of that dozen were already there with her and Chloe was apparently busy. "I'd love to meet them!"

Maybe it would be overwhelming to meet all of Adrien's classmates and friends at once, but, well...Emilie suspected that meeting Adrien's friends might be the most pleasant thing that she had to do now that she had gotten home.

So she was going to enjoy it.

Emilie smoothed down her blouse as she prepared to enter the prison where Gabriel was being held. She let out a nervous breath as she looked up at the grey, imposing exterior.

Nothing about the prison particularly made her want to go in.

Emilie had come to see Gabriel because she felt obligated to and because she was curious about what story he would try to spin for her, nothing more. She had gone over all of the akuma footage that she could find whenever she wasn't talking to Adrien or his friends or Nathalie, and what she had found had not impressed her.

The entire city in danger. Ladybug and Chat Noir- teenagers!- being targeted by supervillains. Children, teens, mothers, babies fleeing out of the way of a rampaging akuma and not escaping in time. Both kids and actual, literal babies being transformed into supervillains and forced to fight for Gabriel's cause.

Akumas going after Adrien and not being stopped. Emilie knew that Hawkmoth had been able to control his akumas to some degree- not too much, since they weren't puppets, but enough to get them to actually do what he wanted instead of going after their own revenge single-mindedly- and so he should have been able to dissuade them long enough for Adrien to get away. He should have been willing to do that much for his very own son, at least, but nope.

Gabriel had even targeted the collège that he had sent Adrien to, knowing full well that Adrien could easily be in the line of fire. Emilie had tried to get Adrien to talk about the attacks, just to try to figure out how they had made him feel, but had stopped when it became apparent that he didn't feel comfortable talking about it.

Honestly, she couldn't blame him. So she was here to get answers, try to sort out her conflicted, roiling feelings about Gabriel, and leave. The fact that Adrien had refused to come at all told her all that she needed to know about Adrien's feelings about his father, so she just had to make a perfunctory visit and make Gabriel explain himself before she called it good.

Emilie was glad that Adrien and Marinette were going out while she was making her visit. Marinette would keep Adrien distracted, she was sure of it.

Appropriately distracted, of course. Even if she and Adrien seemed far closer than a couple that had only been dating for a couple months, Emilie could tell that they both had level heads on their shoulders and were unlikely to move too fast in the physical part of their relationship.

Well. Hopefully. That was what Emilie was getting out of seeing their interactions so far, at least.

Before she could over-think her son's relationship (she had briefly met Marinette's parents and if they were fine with the relationship, she would be, too- she really didn't want to be the uncool parent, not when she had just returned), Emilie straightened her shoulders and headed for the building. It was intimidating, to say the least, and the looks that she was getting from the security wasn't helping matters. Still, she got through with very little trouble, and then she was seated at a long table sectioned off with dividers and separated from the opposite side of the table with a glass- or, rather, probably heavy plastic- that had holes in it so that the people on either side could hear each other.

"Your husband will be brought out shortly," one of the guards told her as she sat down, and Emilie just nodded, glancing around at the room. It wasn't particularly welcoming, which...well, wasn't a surprise, considering that it was a jail. There weren't any other visitors there besides her, which... well, also not a surprise. Emilie had been asked to come in outside of visiting hours, since Gabriel was apparently not a particularly popular prisoner among his peers and they didn't want to deal with having him out at the same time as the others if they could help it.

Emilie wasn't surprised that terrorizing a city for a year and getting off with a relatively light sentence instead of being locked away for life due to his ability to hire a really, really good lawyer really hadn't endeared Gabriel to... well, anyone.

Footsteps caught her attention, and Emilie glanced up. Two guards were escorting a figure towards her, and it took Emilie a moment to recognize it as her husband. Gabriel had lost his signature hairstyle- they probably didn't provide gel in the jail, so he had gotten it cut short- and while he had clearly done his best to keep his clothes neat, there was no dry cleaning or irons for him to use and so he looked less pressed than normal.

...he had made some truly horrendous choices in which clothes to bring, all things considered. Emilie knew that Gabriel did have outfits that could look decent without that much upkeep, but that particular outfit was not one of them.

"Emilie!" Gabriel exclaimed, trying to lunge forward as soon as he saw her. Emilie could see the guards tighten their grip on his arms to keep him under control and keep moving forward at a steady pace. "They told me that you were found, and that you were back, but I didn't want to believe it. Not until I saw it."

"Yes, the superheroes were very kind to take part of their summer to come out and free me." Emilie watched as Gabriel was seated at the table across from her and the guards stepped back. "I've been working on catching up with the situation in Paris ever since I got back."

Gabriel waved a dismissive hand, eyes locked on her face as though he was drinking the sight of her in. "It's not changed that much. Some fashions changed, yes- and Nathalie can tell you what's on trend now, don't listen to Audrey Bourgeois because her taste has absolutely gone off the rails- and the company has released a few new lines, but that's it."

"That is not it!" Emilie protested. "Adrien started school and got new friends and grew up so much, and you're in jail-"

"A temporary condition. They didn't put me in for life."

Emilie's eyebrows shot up at that. Given Gabriel's current age- older than her by nearly seven years- he would be sixty-five at the youngest when he was released, and seventy at the oldest- unless, of course, something came up to add time.

Which, knowing Gabriel... well, he wasn't exactly patient, especially. He could fake it for a bit, but then his frustration would get to him and he would explode, and he wouldn't be able to get out early for good behavior.

"But nothing will be the same by the time you get out- fashion trends change in the blink of an eye," Emilie protested. "And Adrien will be grown, and, and-"

"I can keep up from in here," Gabriel assured her, confident as always. "With some assistance, of course, but I can keep up."

Something akin to hope stirred in Emilie's gut. Was that- remorse, maybe? Gabriel wanting to reform, taking an interest in Adrien's life after being an absentee parent for a year (and, Emilie had to admit, a not-very-involved parent before that)? Emilie didn't let herself dwell on that for long, though.

Gabriel was good at acting, she knew that much. Even if he hadn't been acting when she first met him, he had been changing his behavior and hiding who he really was from her by the time they made their last visit to the temple. She couldn't fall for his acting again, not after seeing how he had not cared about Adrien as Hawkmoth (and how he had behaved towards Adrien as himself- Nathalie had filled her in since Adrien didn't seem particularly inclined to). Maybe he had some remorse now, but Emilie had to remember that there was probably a large part of it that remorse for getting caught, not for how he had behaved.

Emilie had to resist the urge to just sit back and believe that Gabriel had repented, just for the sake of smoothing things over and going back to what was normal. Maybe she wanted to cling to the old life that had slipped through her fingers, but she had to stand strong and question anything that Gabriel did.

He was a master manipulator, she had to remember that. The man that she had fallen in love with was at best gone, at worst had always been a lie.

"Have you recovered from the trip?" Gabriel asked after a moment of silence. "I imagine that it was probably hard, without a helicopter."

Emilie's eye twitched at the reminder that yes, she meant to ask about that, and why the superheroes hadn't just been told about the coordinates and the helicopters. "It was a hard trip, but the superheroes did their best to make sure that it was fast and that I would be well-fed. I'm enjoying being at home again, though. I've gotten to meet a number of Adrien's friends."

"Friends," Gabriel muttered, rolling his eyes. "Bad influences, most of them. That DJ friend of his- so insolent, he always talks back- and then that reporter girl has no common sense. Then there's the roughhousing from some of them, unsportsmanlike behavior- I should have insisted on Adrien going to private school instead."

Emilie was of the belief that Gabriel had absolutely no feet to stand on to criticize others for being bad influences. Besides, Adrien's friends were just teenagers, and teenagers could be almost offensively informal, or foolhardy, or rough-and-tumble, and still be fantastic people.

It was interesting that Gabriel hadn't said anything specific about Marinette, though. Was it possible that he might have approved of her, since she was a talented designer? Or maybe Gabriel just didn't know about her, but that seemed strange, considering that from what Emilie understood, Adrien and Marinette had been close friends before they started dating.

A few more minutes passed, more or less filled by pleasantries. Emilie tried not to let herself get too caught up in their conversation, knowing that it was more than likely a facade, her biding her time until Gabriel was relaxed enough to answer her questions instead of trying to avoid them in order to ensure that he would actually get to spend some time with her. She indulged him, even as she knew that she couldn't let the entirety of their visit go like this. She had things that she wanted to ask about, darn it.

"By the way, before I forget, once you settle down at home again, you should start looking for a new secretary. Nathalie has ceased to be useful," Gabriel said, scowling suddenly and throwing Emilie off. "I don't want her working for our family anymore."

Emilie was pretty sure that her jaw was on the floor. Fire Nathalie? Why? Nathalie had gone above and beyond to take care of Adrien, to make Emilie's trip back to Paris go quickly and smoothly, and to keep everything else running normally on top of all of that. "Why?"

"She went behind my back and disobeyed my orders," Gabriel announced, leaning forward and gripping the table, knuckles turning white as he did. "I would even say that she forged my signature, though the court certainly didn't see it that way."

"Wh- how?" Emilie asked, completely puzzled. "What, exactly..."

"Nathalie had been pushing for me to have a backup plan for who would care for Adrien if I could not," Gabriel said with a scowl. "If I failed, that is. And I told her that she didn't need to concern herself about that, but she still wrote up a document for me to sign that would make her guardian and put it in my pile of paperwork to sign. Since she always read through my contracts and forms so I didn't have to and just marked the line where I needed to sign, I didn't even notice it and it got signed with the rest of a batch."

Emilie tried not to laugh at that. Efficient as always, Nathalie was. Even when Gabriel was being a stubborn ass, she was a problem-solver to make sure that Adrien was taken care of. The fact that the legality of her actions was somewhat questionable was... well, it didn't bother Emilie. In fact, she found it rather funny. "I don't see the problem with that. It was needed. Nathalie saw that there was a possibility that you would fail, and she addressed the problem as best she could. She kept the disruption in Adrien's life to a minimum, and I thank her for that."

Gabriel's jaw worked angrily as he worked for an answer. "Yes, well- had she not gone behind my back and made plans, I'm sure that the police would have asked me who I wanted to take care of Adrien. It's hardly as though I died. If she had waited for approval until then, I would have been fine with it. On the condition, of course, that she bring Adrien in to see me for my weekly visit, which she has not done."

Frankly, Emilie approved of that, too. "We'll have to disagree on that, then. Nathalie has done a very good job with looking after Adrien, and I'm afraid that it would upset him if I were to let her go."

A distinctly irritated look flashed across Gabriel's face. Clearly he had already gotten over the excitement and relief of seeing her again safe and sound and was reverting back to his normal attitude with her disagreement. "Yes, well, I suppose I can understand that. Moving on- I would like to be brought up to speed with everything that's going on. I have called the house on occasion, of course, but Nathalie only tells me so much and as I said, she never sends Adrien over to talk to me. It's quite childish of him to keep avoiding me. I would like for him to come during next week's visit, if not sooner."

Emilie frowned at that. She had never liked Gabriel's tendency to try to give her orders, and she was not going to make Adrien come if he didn't want to. "If Adrien doesn't want to come, I'm not going to force him, Gabriel." It was also presumptuous of him to assume that she was going to be returning every week, when he clearly hadn't had any issue with putting Adrien in danger several times a week- and clearly hadn't felt much (if any) remorse about it, if she was reading his belligerent attitude correctly. Gabriel knew how much she cared for Adrien and how protective she was of him, and so he should know that that wouldn't fly with her, not at all.

Perhaps he thought that she hadn't had the chance to look up the attacks. That was frankly ridiculous. After she had caught up with Adrien- or whenever she had free time when Adrien was doing something else- she had looked things up, growing progressively more alarmed at what she found.

Gabriel's expression didn't change. "I am his father. I should be able to see him."

They weren't going to get anywhere at this rate. "I'll bring it up with him this week," Emilie lied, just to get Gabriel to move on. They would never get to the real reason for her visit- finding out what on earth he had been thinking- if they got stuck arguing about Adrien. "Perhaps he'll change his mind."

"Tell him that I expect to see him." Gabriel leaned forward. "So what's going on with the company? Nathalie refuses to tell me a thing because I've been removed, but that's ridiculous. I won't be in here forever."

Emilie was pretty sure that her eye twitched at that. Gabriel was meant to be in for over a decade, maybe even two. The company wouldn't be the same then as it was now, and it wasn't as though he would automatically be rehired. In fact, there was probably no chance of him being a part of the company that he had started again. Still, Emilie wasn't in a mood to argue with Gabriel. It was a common feeling really, and... well, she didn't miss it. Best to give the shortest run-down she could and then try to steer the conversation properly. "It's going through a rebranding. Different logo, at the very least. I'm returning to my position once I've recovered from the trip. Getting briefed on the state of the company hasn't exactly been the top of my priority list."

"I'd like for you to get updated as soon as you get back to the house," Gabriel decided, nodding sharply. "A full report, with a focus on sales and stocks, and perhaps employee retention. Current fashion trends- they don't exactly keep us up to date in here, and I know how quickly things can change over a matter of months- and-"

"Gabriel, you are not part of the company anymore," Emilie reminded him sharply. "You will not be contributing. There's no point in keeping you in the loop, not when things will change in the years between now and whenever you get released."

Gabriel didn't like happy about being told no. "Emilie-"

"I have been busy catching up with Adrien, who I have not seen in a year," Emilie reminded him. "The company seems to be doing fine under Nathalie and the board's supervision. I will not be running back and forth with information. It is a waste of my time."

"We'll discuss it more next time, then," Gabriel decided, as though Emilie hadn't just told him that she refused to spend her time keeping him up to date with the company.

"Perhaps." Emilie sat back in the chair, her arms crossed. "So I had questions, Gabriel, and I expect you to answer them. What were you thinking, becoming a supervillain?"

Gabriel looked only moderately abashed at the question. "I had to get you back, and using the Butterfly to retrieve the Ladybug and Chat Noir Miraculous seemed the most straightforward path. Had I succeeded, the attacks would have been erased from memory."

"And since you didn't, you scarred most of the city for life," Emilie shot back. "And Adrien- I saw the footage from the akuma fights and he was in danger so often-"

"And if I had been allowed to explain to him before getting dragged off, it was a simple cost-benefit analysis," Gabriel cut across her, looking utterly unbothered by the accusation. "Come now, Emilie. Look at it logically. Having you back would have benefitted Adrien as well. I never would have let it go so far as to hurt him."

Emilie's glare intensified. Think logically? She wasn't the one who had decided that it would be logical to be a supervillain instead of seeking out more knowledgeable help. "And Gorizilla? Adrien got dropped off the top of a very tall building! You could have stopped it before it got that far! He could have died!"

"Adrien was not dropped, he jumped," Gabriel corrected, as though that was any better. "And I had the akuma drop Ladybug so that she could save him."

"Not right away, though!" Emilie argued. She remembered everything about that video, and the long seconds between when Adrien had started to fall and when Ladybug had been released had lasted an eternity. Emilie had thought that she was going to see her son die in a fall to the pavement, only to be revived by Ladybug's power once the fight ended.

Gabriel looked a little uncomfortable before his mask took over. "Yes, well. I was also testing a hypothesis, of sorts. I had suspected that Adrien was Chat Noir," he added when Emilie's scowl deepened. "Because of... evidence that had accumulated. I figured that if he were Chat Noir, he would transform before reaching the ground."

Emilie spluttered. "Adrien? He's not Chat Noir, are you insane? He was in Paris with his girlfriend while the superheroes were in Tibet rescuing me! I've met them, they're nothing alike!"

"Yes, well, I didn't have that information then. Perhaps I should have tried to gather a bit more information before doing anything, but I saw an opportunity and I took it. And the data I did have at the time pointed to Adrien being Chat Noir. I had never seen the two of them at the same time before."

"So you decided to nearly kill Adrien."

"If anything had gone wrong, I would have allowed Ladybug to win at once," Gabriel offered. "Her powers would have reversed anything."

Emilie was speechless. Sure, Ladybug's powers could undo physical damage, but what about emotional damage? People no doubt got nightmares from the attacks, especially if they died during the attacks and were brought back. If Adrien had died, even temporarily, he would no doubt have nightmares about it for the rest of his life and be wary of heights. There would be footage circulating about it, no doubt, and having to deal with that...

No, Ladybug's Cure couldn't reverse everything, and it was dangerous to have that kind of attitude towards it.

Gabriel seemed to think that he had adequately responded to her concerns, because he clearly wasn't going to say anything more on the subject. Instead, he glanced back at the bored-looking guards, then leaned forward. "So the superheroes rescued you."

"Yes, as I already said," Emilie bit out, wondering where he was going with that and figuring that she might as well play along, at least for now. She knew how Gabriel worked. If she went back to a point that he thought was closed, he would get defensive and she would get no further information out of him. If she bided her time and let Gabriel talk about whatever he wanted to first, then she could circle the conversation back around to try to talk about the whole endangering Adrien thing again. "And it took them longer than it should have, considering that someone didn't give them the coordinates and the name of the helicopter company that we used. I don't know where you kept them that the superheroes couldn't find that information, but..."

Gabriel smirked, and Emilie wished that there wasn't a pane of glass in the way just so she could slap that look off of his face. It was an absolutely infuriating expression, really. "Yes, that was the plan. No coordinates, more time camping, more time to discover and remember their identities." He leaned forward, lowering his voice. "If we can get Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous and use them together, we get a wish. We can make it so that, instead of being Hawkmoth, I simply alerted the superheroes about you being trapped and then they went and rescued you like good little heroes. That way, we could be a family again." He looked pleased with himself about that plan. "I figure that you must have been with them for two weeks, plenty of time for you to figure them out and commit their appearance to memory. Now you're back and can try to track them down!"

Emilie was certain that her expression had never turned from confused to horrified and then to angry so quickly. "You- what? Why would I do that?"

"Well, we can't be together if I'm in jail," Gabriel pointed out in his most reasonable tone. "I'm in here for fifteen to twenty years, which is entirely ridiculous. If I had gotten the Miraculous, the city would have forgotten about the attacks. They would have been erased from the timeline entirely, no lasting damage done. It's not as though I intended to leave Paris in shambles or anything."

"And if you got them now, when your wish was already fulfilled?"

Gabriel let out an exasperated huff. "Keep up, Emilie. I would change the timeline to me taking the non-criminal option of getting you back, or I would make it so that you were never trapped at all. You would be back in Paris within a month instead of a year or you could never be gone at all, and I wouldn't be in jail. Adrien would still be at home and safe instead of running who knows where all over the city. Everyone wins."

Emilie sat back, arms crossed. Even in jail, Gabriel still hadn't learned a thing. He just wanted to go back to using magic to solve his problems, which was what had landed him here in the first place. She had seen and heard enough. "Let me get this straight. You want me to steal from two teens, who went out of their way to rescue me, taking part of their summer to hike across Tibet and who were never anything but nice to me. You expect that I'll essentially brainwash myself into forgetting that you thought it would be perfectly acceptable to turn into a supervillain and endanger Adrien. You want to take Adrien away from the school and friends and girlfriend that make him happy and then make him forget completely about it." Her voice was rising, and now the guards were paying attention to her. Emilie didn't care. "Just because you want to play happy family again. It doesn't work that way, Gabriel. I'm not doing that. I'm not going to go along without your twisted plans." Emilie stood up in a flash, knocking her chair back. "You've shown me and the world who you really are inside, and I'm not going to turn a blind eye to that. I refuse."

And with that, Emilie stormed right back out of the room, ignoring Gabriel's yells after her.

How dare he try to rope her in to his manipulations. How dare he think that everything could just go back to their old normal, that she would just participate in her own brainwashing- making herself forget what he was capable of, what he would resort to if he wanted to get his way- and brainwashing Adrien.

Emilie wouldn't make Adrien forget Marinette and his other friends, not for anything. She could see how happy they made him.

Adrien had been happy before she was trapped, but it wasn't the same level of happy. It was more of a content sort of happy, rather than thriving. He hadn't had many friends, had only really gone out for scheduled activities, and spent the day with only Nathalie and his tutors unless she or Gabriel had been available. They had done it to protect him, when they had the threat of the Rat hovering over their shoulders, but he had been stifled.

Emilie only just remembered to check out of the jail before leaving the building and heading out to the parking lot. She stepped out of the building, and was glad that she had accepted Gerald's offer to drive her. She was shaking with anger right now, and there would be no way that she could drive safely.

There was no way that she could stay married to Gabriel now, not that she had thought that there would be much chance of that happening anyway. Not with how he had put Adrien in danger, not with how he had put the citizens of Paris in danger, not with how he apparently didn't care that people could have died from the attacks because he didn't know them and therefore they didn't matter to him.

Emilie let out a long breath as she considered that. When she was younger, she had never thought that she would end up divorced, but she thought that she knew more or less what she would have to consider. Everything they had- the house, the furniture in it, their main bank account- was jointly owned, so there would be a lot to get separated out.

At least she would have a good chunk of time to figure it out. Fifteen to twenty years, to be exact. In the meantime, Emilie was going to be sure to use their joint bank account to redesign the mansion- and particularly her bedroom. It was getting a complete makeover, with absolutely everything in it donated and the room getting a fresh coat of paint. The former lair- well, she would have to consult with some architects, but perhaps it could be converted to a rooftop greenhouse.

Gerald pulled up, and Emilie got in. She was sure that she looked like a stormcloud still, and she was still steaming as they drove back to the mansion.

For some reason, Emilie had thought that Gabriel might act differently now. If he had gone to all the effort to try to get her back, surely he loved her, right? Surely he would be apologetic for what he had done, surely he would be tripping over himself to try to get back in her good graces.

But he hadn't. He had gone back to his normal self, utterly unapologetic and making demands of her and Adrien as though they were his employees or something

Gabriel didn't love her, Emilie realized. He might be obsessed with her, but if he had loved her, then he would stop trying to order her around. He would have reformed his ways, because he would know that that was what she would have wanted. He had once put on enough of a show so that she would love him, but that mask had slipped.

Figuratively and literally.

Emilie got home to find a message waiting for her on the office phone. It was from Gabriel, of course, though Emilie had no idea how he had managed to convince the guards to allow him to do that when she had pretty much announced to the world that he still had designs on the Miraculous to make a wish. Surely that would mean that he would be put under higher security- but no, he had called home.

"Emilie, be reasonable," Gabriel started, sounding very composed, as though he was scolding a small child. "I know you're fond of the Miraculous holders, but I'm not asking you to hurt them. They'll never even know once things are fixed and put right. We can go back to what we had before. I know you know where to find them, so finish your sulking and figure out a plan."

"I would slap him if I could," Emilie announced, very glad that Adrien wasn't home at the moment. She was probably going to be storming around for the rest of the day, and Adrien had probably had enough of immature adult temper tantrums. Maybe she should have Nathalie call up the bakery and ask if Adrien could stay for dinner, just so she could have a little more time to pull herself back together. "This idiot, I don't understand how I ever thought that he was romantic at all."

"Also, inform Adrien that he is not allowed a girlfriend until he's eighteen," Gabriel's voice continued, in that same 'you-will-listen-to-me' tone. "And perhaps for several years afterwards, as well. Famous models are more popular and will sell more if they're single. The company image will suffer if the main model is seen acting inappropriately with a girl-"

"Can we block the prison's number?" Emilie asked Nathalie as Gabriel continued to prattle on about company image and tell Adrien that in the background. "I have no interest in being further contacted by Gabriel."

"I can stop passing the messages on to you," Nathalie suggested. "Let him leave his messages, and I can collect them and present them to the court. If they learn that he's still trying to get out of any consequences and mess with the timeline- and I know that Ladybug and Chat Noir were irritated about something they brought up not being taken seriously enough. Something about consequences for messing with the timeline?" Nathalie tilted her head, considering. "I don't remember what it was exactly, I couldn't be there for all of the proceedings. Anyway, the court might add time to his sentence, and it would certainly be evidence for...well, anything else you could use it for."

The corner of Emilie's lips quirked up into what could almost have been a smile, though she wasn't feeling particularly cheerful. Gabriel would never see it coming, with as confident as he was about others following his instructions. "It's as though you read my mind, Nathalie."

"I can start looking up legal issues we might run into," Nathalie offered, already reaching for her keyboard. "If you want me to."

"You do that," Emilie agreed, sitting down at the free computer and opening up a new window. "And I was wondering if you could call up Marinette's family and ask if Adrien could stay for dinner? I'm not in a fantastic mood at the moment, and I don't want to worry him."

"Of course."

Once the Dupain-Chengs were called and they agreed to keep Adrien for the evening for Emilie, she properly dove into a search for interior designers in Paris, looking at their styles and trying to imagine what they might do with the house. Many had perfectly lovely-looking portfolios, but, well, after a lifetime of minimalist design in their house, Emilie was rather ready for a change.

By the time she had eaten dinner and Adrien had returned, Marinette accompanying him, Emilie had a list of potential designers to investigate more and Nathalie had pulled together a dossier about divorce and division of assets.

As Emilie got up to meet the teens, smiling at them as they told her all about their day, she couldn't bring herself to doubt her decisions at all. She wanted a fresh start, and making the house properly hers and Adrien's instead of Gabriel's and permanently cutting her soon-to-be-ex-husband out of her life was a good place to begin.

Even if it would be hard- and she knew Gabriel would cause as much trouble as possible- Emilie couldn't wait.

#Miraculous Ladybug #My writing #There's No Camembert in Tibet #There's No Camembert in Tibet: Outtakes

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literaryjerseygirl · 5 years ago

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I can’t sleep. It’s raining, and I was awakened by the combo of a bad dream and some bad news.

I’m in a terrible place again, and I’m not feeling like I can turn to the usual suspects for perspective or reassurance. And I can’t publish this on my regular blog because I do not want a repeat of December. I can’t go through that again.

I know that depression can lie. I don’t know if I can necessarily classify myself as depressed sans clinical diagnosis. I’m under a tremendous amount of stress, too and I’m having a hard time handling it alone. I know my brain is making up shit like I’m: worthless, untouchable, unimportant, useless, unlovable, pathetic, needy, gross...and so on along those lines. I have tried to argue with my brain and logic my way out of these thoughts. My clever little brain, which I am usually so proud of, has outsmarted me and come up with proof of all these things:

“If you were worth anything, you wouldn’t be alone all the time.”

“If you weren’t untouchable, you would be offered love and affection instead of being rejected.”

“If you were important, people would want to spend time with you instead of constantly canceling on you and leaving you hanging.”

“Obviously you’re useless, because you aren’t a priority to anyone, anywhere, at any time.”

And so on and so forth. I’m hoping that by writing this and getting it out of my system it will alleviate what I’m feeling; kind of like releasing some pressure from a pressure cooker so it won’t blow.

I’m wondering again what the hell is wrong with me. No really. Like what is wrong with me? It must be something, right? Something that pushes people away and isolates me. Something about me that makes it so easy for people to cancel plans with me, or to just kind of forget I exist. I can’t bring myself to demand company or affection from anyone...at the same time I notice that the people who ARE demanding receive in abundance what I feel I lack. I can’t bring myself to be that way...even though my observations indicate it could probably give me what I so desperately need.

And I fucking hate that...the desperate, needy feeling. I can’t articulate how much it hurts...to be alone, to be isolated...and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone about it because it’s embarrassing. Like, I am honestly ashamed of the fact that it seems something is so wrong with me that absolutely no one wants to spend time with me.

I’m facing another weekend alone and I don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t know what to do about it either. My plans were canceled at the last minute, and while I could go and do things, I’d still be doing them alone. And that kind of defeats the purpose...I mean I can just fucking sit home alone instead of going somewhere and spending money to do something alone. It’s the same fucking thing.

And when I say ‘alone’ I mean literally ALONE. I live alone. My closest friend is physically about an hour away. I don’t have family. I don’t have any pets (nor can I have any at the moment). I was doing ok when I could go to the gym and maybe yoga. That gave me at least some human contact-not to mention the endorphins from working out. But I recently moved; far enough away from both the gym and the yoga school that I terminated my memberships. A new gym membership isn’t in the financial cards at the moment.

This isn’t helping. I feel worse, not better. I have to find a way to get through this weekend. Funny...I dreaded the weekends when I was still married...and now I’m back to dreading them again. Maybe I need a second job to take my mind off all this. Anything. Anything at all to relieve the ache.

I guess I should try to sleep. Maybe Morpheus will not forsake me in my time of need...

If you love someone, please hug them for me. Hugs are very few and very far between for someone like me.

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samw-alwayshaswifi · 6 years ago

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Mission: Brighter Side

Needless to say, I struggle with a lot of things. One being my self worth and self esteem. I have cried and cried over being called ugly and worthless by bullies from over nearly ten years ago. I was less than 7 years old, being told that I was worthless, and I was ugly. 7 years old. I was a straight A student, and a quiet, timid girl. Being told those cruel things at such a young age hurt. It HURT. I did nothing to deserve those insults. Nothing. I was targeted and isolated.

That bully, the "popular" girl that the school revolved around, had created an environment where I was in constant pain. She had instructed everyone around me to avoid me. To "befriend" me was a social suicide, so I had no real friends. It was like a scene out of a movie, but this was real life, this was my life. All of which had occurred at age 7. I was one of the only 2 people that saw that she was two-faced. She acted super nice to the people around her, everyone except me and one other. Her smile, unknown to others, didn't actually mean she was happy to see me, she did not laugh because I was funny, she laughed at me.

I was afraid, constantly fearing what would come next. I didn't want to tell any adults, I was afraid of her retaliation. However, within the next three years, I did tell some of the closest "friends" that I had. What did they do, what did they say? They called me a liar, they said that it wasn't possible that she could have have said and done all those things, that she was a "nice" person. And almost all of those people left. They left. Why? Why would I lie about something like that? Yes, I did tell about 2 adults as well about my situation. 2 adults that were not my parents. They did absolutely nothing. The one said that I had no proof. The other just didn't believe me, that she was a "nice" girl. But I was a nice girl too, was I not? Sure, I had my flaws. Everyone does. I didn't says anything mean to others, I kept quiet and kept to myself. No one would believe me, so why try?

At the age of 7, my nightmares weren't of dying, they were of living. I was afraid of living, I didn't want to live. At the age of 7, I dreamed of dying. I wanted to stop living. No, I wanted to live. I wanted to live, but not in the way I was living. I wanted it all to end. I had a few people in my life that had been my reasons for living; my grandmother, my sister, my parents, the one best friend I made, and the most important thing in the world to me: my cat. My cat Peyote, had been there since before I was born, he'd been there when my grandpa died, he was there all those days I was bullied, all those days I wanted to die.

My very best friend, my favorite family member and pet had died at the age of 17 at the end of my 5th grade year. In that same year, within months of each other, my bestfriend, the only real friend I had in my elementary school, had moved away. That year was the WORST year of my life. I don't know how it was that I made it through that year, but I would be introduced to junior high without my two best friends. And ever since I have been barely living. The key word here is living. Living is not the same as surviving. I am a survivor. I have survived all that life has thrown at me, and I will continue to. But Living, living cannot be easily defined. Lliving is enjoying the most out of your life, it is not being afraid to give life your all. Living is more than just surviving.

I never acted on those thoughts, I always had one more reason to live rather than die. I realized now that I was depressed, I was depressed and for the most part alone. Today, I still have that feeling. I have always felt the pressure to be the best, to be the best that I could be. That feeling is my anxiety. I have never been able to talk to my parents about these all too common feelings. Whenever I did they just didn't understand. I wanted to explain to them all about these things, but to be honest, even I didn't understand them myself. They often told me that I just needed to get over it, but depression doesn't work like that. But I know that my depression was caused by the hurt I felt from being bullied. I am stronger than I was before my depression, but I have just as much mental "scars" from it. I am both damaged and stronger from it. That's the best way that I can explain it.

I wasn't necessarily a girly girl. I preferred pants rather than a dress. (It was easier to play in. I didn't have to worry about wardrobe malfunctions. I didn't go to cheer camp or anything. Dresses were meant for special occasions. Yes, some of them were old, some I wore a couple times in a row. We couldn't afford to be constantly buying new dresses, and it wasn't proper to waste money like that, our money was better spent elsewhere. Our family had three girls to provide for. I feel no shame for wearing hand-me-downs, they are very cost efficient and there is no reason why anyone should have anything against them. Yet they were "ugly" to many of my classmates.)

I did play sports, I watched science fiction movies and TV shows about superheroes. Those people who would defeat the unjust villains and fight injustice, I looked up to them. When Taylor Swift became popular, you bet that I listened to all her songs on repeat, especially "mean." That song while it was created because of a mean comment about Taylor's singing, for me it had a different perspective. For me it was about a girl who was bullied by an "it" girl, and eventually the bullied would show the bully that she was so much more than what she believed her to be, she would become a somebody. For me, that bullied girl was just like me. I wanted to show my bully that I was so much more than "worthless" and "ugly." I dreamed that I would get a superpower or I'd become famous, and that social justice would be found.

However, even as I now have gotten farther now in my life, I have a couple of achievements that I am very proud of, I cannot show that person that I am not "worthless." That bully had moved during the summer before my freshman year (she wanted to move somewhere better, somewhere where she could become more accomplished, even though she didn't go that far). I had prepared myself a speech for my first day of high school. I had gotten over my nerves and I had written a speech to tell my bully on my first day of school, only to learn that I couldn't. I couldn't because she no longer went to school here. I was robbed. I was robbed of my big moment, the moment that I would tell my bully that I would not take it anymore.

But that moment was really about self esteem. I finally found that I didn't deserve that treatment, that I was worth it. I had to find that value within myself. Nevertheless, it wouldn't be a situation that I would wish upon anyone, being the target of Bullying has brought me a lot of pain and anguish. I am who I am because of it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I am me.

The real reason why I'm writing this? I'm not really sure. I'm writing to write, mainly to bring awareness. Although, it's NOT because of attention, anyone with anxiety would be scared of attention, scared of the backlash that it would bring. But what I do know is that I never want any girl to feel as isolated as I felt when I was bullied. I want to bring justice to those who have felt as I have felt. That when someone tells you that they are being bullied, that they are NOT lying. They have no reason to lie. Maybe I just wanted to try to explain the stigma on mental health issues, maybe all of the above. I was raised to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. I will treat you with respect so long as you treat others with that same respect. I have always longed of an environment where humanity could always be found. Things haven't been going very well lately, and a lot of people have been feeling down lately, myself included. We live in a day and age where that ideal has somehow gotten lost, we live in such a dark and cold time and I am deeply saddened that the world has changed in this way. I know that I am not alone. I am not the only one who feels this way. That's why I finally pressed "post." I cannot just stand by and wish for change. Change will only come if you take action. I want to help make this world a better place, it's all I've ever wanted.

Please help me and share this post to spread awareness. Change needs to take place. Change needs to happen in a time as dark as this. Please help me to make a change. Thank you for taking time out of you day to read this. Please join me in my mission to making the world a better place, thank you. Mission: Brighter Side

#missionbrighterside #brighterside #iamnotalone #standtogether #change #maketheworldabetterplace

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naturebonestudio · 6 years ago

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So I’ve decided I’m gonna start venting on here more because you gotta vent somewhere right?

I know I usually end all my mental health rants on a positive note about how I’m putting myself back together after a breakdown and am getting back to making art but REAL TALK, this has been a horrible year for me.

Sparing most of the details, my personal relationships have been a mess. My closest friends have all moved far away and nearly lost touch with me or betrayed me, my ex who I still loved committed suicide in March 2017 which still makes me feel devastated on a regular basis. Following his death I feel back into extreme depression/BPD episodes and bad habits and made some hasty and poor life choices- including letting a guy is only been seeing for a month move in with me. I soon after found out he was not a good person and I spent most of the last year living in that toxic relationship which hurt me deeply and rehashed many of the C-PTSD issues I was recovering from back to fresh wounds. That relationship cost me a lot emotionally and financially- I have since been scraping by month to month with assistance from my dad (bless him for his help). Just when I finally cut ties 100% with my toxic ex and was ready to start pulling myself together, my grandma nearly died in Breast Cancer surgery. My grandma has always been my rock and the person I turn to with all my problems and I love her more than basically anyone on earth. She needed 24/hr care for nearly 4 months straight with only my mom and I to provide for her. I basically stopped working and dropped my whole life to be by her side during that time. I wish I could say she has improved but even though she can walk again and her wounds are very slowly healing, it has all taken a toll on her usually sharp mind. She is in her late 70’s and since the multiple surgeries she’s had her memory is nearly gone. She repeats the same conversations over and over, blames my mom for all the things she looses (which is causing a lot of fighting and drama), gets really upset that she can’t recall things and is confusing the present for the past quite often. It is so hard for my mom and I to watch her going through this and we can’t do anything to make it better. My mom has been relying on me for emotional support but I myself have been crumbling. The person I would usually turn to for support is my mom and grandma but now I feel like they need me and I’m barely able to be any help. It makes me feel terrible.

With my old shopmate moved away, I work alone in my studio now and with my ex bf and ex best friend both moved out I’m down to one roommate (I’m used to having 3-4) and he works nights a lot and sleeps most of when he’s not working so I am completely alone for around 80% of my time. Don’t get me wrong, part of my introverted nature loves this but also in coupling with my overthinking and many reasons to feel sad/worried/upset it is not great for my mental health. I’ve even applied to some part-time jobs just to get out more and have a more stable income but none have called me back seeing as my resume mostly lists my past work experience as “self employed artist” for the past 4 years. That doesn’t exactly make a great reference for most jobs. Attempts made on Facebook to advertise renting my extra shop space has yielded no new shopmate or rent income but has gotten me many many creepy men sending me friend requests and often inappropriate messages which has just been an added frustration on top of feeling lonely, isolated, anxious and depressed often.

I’m trying my very best to throw myself back into art/work full-time even on bad days, to be kind to and care for myself, to stay hopeful and in control of my own thoughts, avoid self harmful behaviors, use coping skills and reach out for help when I need it without hating myself for it... but it’s hard.

It’s so damn hard.

So here’s a nice photo of me being the sad deranged creature that I am- putting on spook makeup just to mope around my apartment and washing my it off to avoid attention when I have to defy my agoraphobia and go into the world of humans.

I’m trying hard to have a little more love for myself.

#jean speaks #selfie #self love #depresion #ptsd #panic disorder #self ham #eating disroders #anxiety #venting #personal

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letsdiscoverkitty · 6 years ago

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You can have a life while you are recovering- in fact I think that’s the only way you have any chance of doing it properly. You talk a lot about your family but never about your friends- where are they? Parents are not meant to be our only companions when we are grown ups. It IS possible to do normal life things whilst having an eating disorder - whether you are in recovery or not. Without something to focus on and live for what is even the point of trying? Find that thing to I live for xx

It has been over 6 years since I was diagnosed and in that time the number of real true friends that I have has fallen dramatically. One side that people don’t often talk about when you suffer from an eating disorder is that it literally shrinks your whole entire world. It’s aim is to make sure that there is only room for you and it in your bubble; no friends, no socialising, no ambitions, no interests, no fun, nothing. It reduces your life to nothing. There is no time for friends or relationships, family or meeting new people.

When you suffer from a mental illness, you definitely learn who your true and real friends are and who was just along for the ride. I know that I am a terrible friend, and I will put my hands up and admit that. I have lost contact with many people and I have isolated myself beyond belief for years. Depression and anxiety can make leaving the house and making plans feel like you are being asked to climb mount Everest; which often leads to receding into the darkness and allowing them to consume me. I am very lucky to still have a few friends who have stuck by me despite everything; sadly as my life has been on hold, theirs have been continuing to move forwards, so actually being able to see each other has become quite a rarity. Initially my close friends moved away to study at University (all over the country) or similar. Now having graduated, most people have moved onto new jobs, getting first houses, moving in with partners, having children etc. Despite me still sitting in my bedroom at home; my peers have all spread their wings, found new friendships, interests and are moving on with their milestones.

I think I can say that I have maybe 2 friends left from my school days; both of whom I love to bits but sadly do not get to see very often. I have some very close friends that I have met online (including Meg who is a true gem and who I still talk to nearly every day) but it is not the same (mainly due to distance). I do mention my parents a bit and I suppose that is because I live with them in a very rural part of the countryside so yes we are around each other a lot. Meeting new people is very hard; not only because of anxiety but because of where I live. This is one reason why I am considering moving out at some point not too far down the line/moving in with Andi as I am so bored and tired and stuck here (Andi found the same growing up and during their gap year and could not wait to move out). Tbh anorexia has reduced me to a mere shell of who I was... have lost my identity and purpose and have no idea who I am anymore. Which can make trying to get out and meet people or do things very hard.

I completely agree that part of recovery is reconnecting with social circles, getting out there and meeting new people and taking steps forwards towards milestones. Recovery does not mean putting everything on hold until you are “recovered” because it just does not happen like that. Whilst IP at the beginning of the year I learnt a bit more about how important the social aspect is in recovery and I realised how this element has been missing from my life for years. It is something that makes me feel quite sad and alone and is often overwhelming to even think about but I know that I can’t continue to avoid it. My closest friends are extremely understanding; A is the best. She knows I find it difficult to open and reply to messages but she makes sure to give me the kick up the arse when I need it. I have met up with her quite a few times recently however she has been away for the past month travelling/doing a yoga course but she is due back any day now!!!! J is my other closest friend who again I have been to see and had coffee with a number of times, we are trying to plan to go to the cinema but she has just started a full time 9-5 job in a city about 45mins drive away, and spends the weekends with her boyfriend in London so it is a bit tricky to sort out.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you make a very very good point and it is something that I am aware of. Eventually I want to take steps towards doing things like socialising, getting a part time job etc. Ideally idk, ideally I would be going into an environment like 1st year at Uni where you meet loads of people and find your feet a little but that is not where I am at right now. I am still waiting to hear back from volunteering at a local animal shelter, and cubs is on hold for the summer. I aim to work towards getting a part time job but I am not sure what as but I know I have to take things slowly in this area as in the past I have rushed it too fast and end up putting everything else before my health, which is not the aim. As I have said before, I have applied for some apprenticeships online (despite knowing I am not quite in a place to be able to take them on) but it at least shows that I am trying to think about it a bit? even if it is to beat myself up a little...It is sadly one side of being IP that was helpful for my anxiety - I was forced to be around people and I actually got to meet some really wonderful people and spend time together and do things with each other. However now I am back home living where I do it makes things a million times harder to overcome that anxiety that is already crippling. My team (both IP and now OP) have tried so much to help me connect with other people and find ways of getting out but even they have come up against brick walls as there is very little around my area.

This is, I think, one of the reasons I have felt so trapped in this relapse; I have very little motivation/drive as I don’t know why I am doing it anymore. In the past I have had prospects of University or when I was going back to my A levels however now I don’t know what I want. I am feeling more lost by the day with myself and it is really hard to deal with. I wish that there was a simple answer. That doing xyz would help me to find motivation and life and a way forwards but right now I feel nothing. And as shit as it is I know dwelling on it even longer and staying submerged in relapse is not the answer so I am having to take initial steps blindly into the darkness.

I am going to leave this reply here as I feel I have gone on far too much but I hope that gives a rough picture of things x

#Anonymous #asks

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forumofkuka · 6 years ago

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Emory University: First Week!

As my second full day of classes is coming to a close, I’ve decided to reflect back on my first week here in Atlanta, Georgia. Although I didn’t move in until Saturday, August 25th, my father and I flew down Thursday morning. When my final days in Connecticut were approaching, I’ll be honest, I definitely didn’t feel super prepared or knowledgeable about what I was getting myself into. After all, I didn’t start packing until maybe three days before, and I was even still doing that 3 hours before my flight was scheduled to take off. Moreover, I still had to make a ton of purchases in Atlanta for my dorm, like school supplies and bathroom essentials.

Being that I wouldn’t be returning home until late November, I made a point in my last week to spend more time at home and with family. Although I facetimed friends during those days, I visited my paternal grandparents and also spent time with my sisters (i.e. Making a sisters-only trip up to Agawam, Massachusetts, to spend the afternoon at Six Flags). Saying goodbye to certain relatives was more emotional than I had imagined. Maybe it was my heightened hormones from my period or just suppressed anxieties about picking up my life and moving 1000 miles away, a surge of tears definitely came on when I was saying goodbye to my grandparents the day before my flight. I couldn’t stop them during the drive home either, even though I was trying to not be hysterical in front of my youngest sister who was in the passenger seat beside me. Alisa, my youngest sister, was someone I had been spending a lot more time with in the last few weeks, whether it be going bowling for an hour, getting our eyebrows done, or even running errands. In my final minutes before departing for the airport, I noticed that she was hanging around me a lot more, and that maybe she was also suppressing some feelings as well. LOL even while thinking back on this, I find myself unable to hold back the tears. Anyway, hugging her goodbye also set me off again, although my dad didn’t comment on it so that made it easier for me to calm down.

I’ve always dreamt about college, and looked forward to the possibilities that come with higher education and being in a new location/larger institution. It wasn’t until my senior week that I started realizing what kinds of apprehensions I had underneath all the enthusiasm about the future. You know, I went to the same secondary school for 6 years, where some of my closest friendships had been that old as well. Sure, I made new connections every year, and my closeness with friends fluctuated throughout the era, but I always had a solid sense of who was my friend and who was merely an acquaintance. The idea of going into college fresh, with a blank slate, was both something I was excited about but I also realized something I was afraid of. Sitting here, 5 days into the process, I’ve met dozens of super interesting, approachable, and intelligent people. I’ve made various acquaintances, whether they be in my dorm, my orientation group, my classes, or spontaneous encounters I’ve had walking around campus. With that being said, although I have people I can message to eat meals with or sit in a lounge with, I don’t feel comfortable here yet socially. I don’t have a solid group, and I’ve been feeling more FOMO (fear of missing out) than I could’ve ever really felt in high school. I don’t know, in some instances, when I see groups of people going off together, especially when I am acquainted with them, to a party or some off-campus event, I definitely feel a little isolation. I don’t know, I don’t want a college experience where all I do is go to class, study, eat food with people, go to a club meeting, and sleep. I want some archetypal college experiences, whether it be going to parties or even taking advantages of the many events that occur in the metropolitan areas of Atlanta. In instances like this, I think I’m just allowing my uncertainties and vulnerability get the best of me, especially because I probably am just making assumptions about the involvement and acclimation of those around me. We all put up facades, and as someone who constantly tries to break mine by confiding in others and being an open person, I should acknowledge and believe this. I’m sure it’s normal. All of my concerns and insecurities are probably expected and on track with where I should be. I just have to remember not to rush into things, because things are going well - they could be so much worse. Everyone I’ve engaged in conversation with has been kind and I haven’t even gone to an activities fair yet, so I haven’t even finished making the frame of my initial social spheres.

My two days prior to actual moving in went pretty smoothly. We went shopping a lot, spent way too much money of course, because who knew how many little things you’d actually need in your dorm? My list of supplies continued to grow throughout those 48 hours, as I started remembering the smallest but most essential things that I always had at my disposal when I lived in a family home, rather than a 11′ by 20′ dorm room. We went to some cool eateries in the area, such as Poke Burri, a social media renowned poke stand that makes sushi doughnuts, burritos, bowls, pizza, you name it - although it is located in a more rundown, artistic, hipster neighborhood that is a little unassuming, it was pretty cool and a general area I’d want to revisit again with some friends (neurotic, protective fathers are probably not built for a place like that). We also visited my former Russian teacher, who a few months before my acceptance to Emory, had announced that she was moving to a city that’s just under an hour outside of Atlanta. It was comforting to be able to see her again, and even nicer to know that she’s more than willing to be a source of support for me too. I think I’m going to try and visit her in late September or early October, just because I don’t really have too many familiar faces here. In terms of the whole move-in process, the day went pretty smoothly. My scheduled move-in time was 7:00am, so my dad and I woke up at 5:45am to get there on time. We finished unpacking my various suitcases and packages around 1:00pm (I worked slower than I probably should LOL). I met my roommate and her family of course, which went nicely. She and I clicked immediately, we’ve been communicated for about 4 months now, since we had requested each other way back in April. Even though I felt like we’d make great friends, I even started getting apprehensive about how she and I would get along, since it’s always hard to kind of tell how someone is over text and how someone is in person. So far, everything has been pretty easy-going, and both of us have been very willing to share and compromise, which is great :) We are different in various ways, but also alike in others, so I’m happy with how that’s going! Our ability to click quickly was definitely something that reassuringly lifted stress off my shoulders. After unpacking my belongings, we met with our orientation groups, had the Emory Welcome assembly, the traditional Emory Coke Toast (after which my father left), and then another Emory After Dark social event, where students were able to get free food from various local food trucks and mingle.

So far, all of the social events have proven to be more or less fun, and have resulted in me encountering a wide breadth of interesting and kind people. I’ve yet to meet someone who has been explicitly rude or unapproachable, and it’s just been really cool to be surrounded by so many people who are passionate, driven, and talented. Though, I will say, I’ve never been more exhausted in my life. With our orientation days packed to the brim with Songfest practices, orientation leader meetings, convocation, Emory welcome events, you name it - any free time we do have, usually begins at around 9:00pm, meaning it’s pretty likely that if you want to have control over who you hang out with, you’ll end up going to bed around 12:00am to 1:00am every night. Or, at least I have. So far, my roommate has been pretty easygoing with me coming in late, I think both for her sake and my own, I’m going to have to cut it down, because I went to bed at nearly 2:00am last night (today is 8/31/2018) even, and I woke up at 8:00am (mind you, I was going to wake up at 6:30am to go to the gym). Last night, after Songfest - which is a freshman-dorm singing and dancing competition where each residence hall basically disses the other and competes for best shirt/banner/lyrics/performance - I was thinking about going to The Mansion for their Emory Back to School Event, but it would’ve started at like 10:30pm and gone to 3:00am, and apparently a lot of girls get sexually assaulted there so I’m glad I decided against it. It’s weird, even on the night after move-in day, I saw hoards of girls all dressed up to go off campus to parties - how do people even find out about these kinds of things? I also don’t understand what’s the rush? Like you barely know the people in your own dorm building, let alone already going off to get trashed somewhere else. It’s strange the severity of FOMO I’ve been feeling here, like it hasn’t been atrocious, but it has been more than at home, and it has been contributing to feelings of depression that I haven’t felt in a long time. Later today, I’m going to call the Psychological & Mental Health Services Office to try and schedule and appointment, because it hasn’t even been a week since move in, and I’m already feeling myself shut down and want to isolate myself. It really hit me that I may need to get counseling when I found myself having difficulty holding back tears while I was in the midst of one of the most high-spirited, school events of my four years here - why would anyone be sad while having school spirit and being around people who are super energetic and enthusiastic? So, it felt like something was wrong.

Nonetheless, I’m really excited for the opportunity to reinvent myself. I went to the Religion & Spirituality Fair the other day, and I’m really interested in not only being apart of the Baha’i Student Association (wasn’t at the fair but I’m in contact with the leading people), but I kind of want to learn more about UKirk Atlanta, which is a very-liberal, Presbyterian church group that comes here every Thursday evening. I don’t know, the people were very gay-pride, bubbly, and quirky, so I think it would be enlightening and also fun. A lot of the groups, oddly enough, are okay with attendees not being of the faith, so I feel more encouraged to go to these meetings just as a means of learning about the religion and its community here on campus. I also went to the LGBT Freshman/Transfer Welcome Meeting, which was really nice. I’ll be honest, I don’t know if it was my place to go, I don’t believe in sexuality labels (meaning, I identify as non-conforming), and with that being said I don’t know if that constitutes as me being able to say I could fall into any of the LGBT spectrum. However, people were kind and maybe as I continue exploring myself, I’ll find that I fall more into one realm over a current one (I’ve been more attracted to masculinity/cis-men for a while now). With all this being said, it’s just really cool how many different student programs there are here on campus. Some others I want to explore are Club Weightlifting, A Cappella, Emory Dark Arts, Active Minds, Ballroom Dancing Club, a literary journal/newspaper, and some sort of community service oriented group. Unlike in high school, I feel like I want to be more involved in activities that are more like hobbies, rather than something that is related to my academic interests. We’ll see though, the Activities Fair is on Saturday, and I think now’s a good time to explore things and just kind of really start figuring out how and where I want to set my foot at this school. In terms of my academic classes thus far, I’ve enjoyed all of them. I’m taking PSYC 110: Psychobiology & Cognition (General Psychology 1), RUSS 201: Intermediate Reading/Writing/Speaking, CHEM 150: Lecture & Lab (General Chemistry 1), and PHIL 111: Existentialism & European Philosophy. Aside from the class materials and textbooks being horribly expensive, I think I’m going to gain a lot from all these classes. I really like my professors for all of them, especially my philosophy instructor, who isn’t even a professor - he’s a PhD student who wears grayscale outfits, has plugs (stretches his lobes), a huge beard, and swears. Chemistry will be a difficult class for me, I can tell already, but the professor is super passionate and teamwork-oriented so I think I’ll come out of it with a good foundation in the science. The one class I feel a little strange about is my Russian class, because as a somewhat “native” speaker, it is strange to be in a room full of non-native speakers trying to speak Russian, as well as being in a Russian learning setting where the professor speaks English 85% of the time. The weird thing is, I feel like the class is moving very slowly and like we’re learning a lot of basic vocabulary, but I also don’t feel like I have the strong foundation in grammar to try and move up to the 300 level class. It’s so hard to judge placement at this point because it’s syllabus week, and the add/drop/swap period ends on Wednesday, so by Tuesday night, I would’ve only had 4 Russian classes to judge. I think I’m going to stick it out and then begin a different language next year, because I’m not planning on even minoring in Russian - it’s merely courses I’m taking to improve my ability to speak with relatives and people of my culture/heritage. I’m deciding between French and Arabic for this new language I want to start, but I also want to continue with Spanish, so I will probably end up studying that again at some point too. My psychology lecture is interesting in that a good half of the courses focuses on gender identity, sexuality, love, and topics of that nature - something I would not have expected to be included in an intro level course. Of course, the course also goes over the major sections of the brain, the five senses, and memory, but I find it strange that gender and sexuality is also a huge component. Nonetheless, it is something I wanted to learn more about so it’ll be cool!

My polaroid project has been going well, it will be a pricey investment, but I know I’ll enjoy looking back on it.

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ghostmartyr · 7 years ago

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SnK 99 Thoughts

This post brought to you by liberal stealing from The Mincing Mockingbird: Guide to Troubled Birds. Because why not.

If you don’t think the ending tagline couldn’t be greatly improved by the addition of Gurren Lagann’s narrator, you are wrong.

So if this month was meant to make me think that everyone in that audience doesn’t have a gigantic destruction flag planted squarely in their midst, well, I’m clearly getting all the wrong signals.

We’ve got significant people from a bunch of major governments come to call. The higher up Marley soldiers that the people who actually run Marley don’t like are chilling. The Warrior kidlets have great seats. The parents of former Warrior kidlets have great seats. There are reporters. There’s a grand reclassification of a lie to an audience ever ready to redirect their Eldian fears and hatred. The current Warriors have been awayed from the premises. People from the East Sea Clan exit before the production even gets started. Willy is manning the stage.

All I’m saying is that if something were to go horribly wrong and a collection of mangled bodies appeared in the place of the crowd, it could be done without causing severe problems for either side of the conflict that we’ve come to know. The most significant losses would be the successor kidlets, and when it comes to the timeframe likely to be covered by the immediate plot, that’s close to irrelevant.

Except as meaningful emotional trauma for the current Warriors (plus Falco), who have ever so conveniently been removed from the audience.

The tension in this chapter points to something exploding, and I... really don’t feel comfortable pointing to any one side as the cause.

In one corner, you have Willy going to pieces over exposing a truth that his family has kept secret for a hundred years. Arguably, that’s a great reason to feel nervous. In the presence of Suspicious Happenings, it becomes one more tally.

In the adjacent corner, you’ve got a prominent member of the East Sea Clan coming to say hello to Willy before his performance. Despite the nation having the most noted interest in not being friends with Marley in the past, Miss Kiyomi is a quality of guest who is free to enter the green room at will, and implies knowing exactly what Willy is up to, and considers some combination of his behavior brave.

Then immediately leaves before his show starts.

In yet another corner, which is actually the nosebleed section of the show, Magath is expecting reports on anything unusual, and absolutely no one is calling the sudden departure of every single present Warrior unusual. Or one of the East Sea Clan peeps leaving early. Or Reiner straight-up vanishing with a Warrior candidate.

In a corner that is actually another basement, Eren is destroying what’s left of Reiner’s stability. By far the easiest corner to make sense of, but sense making is not for the early portions of this post.

Meanwhile you’ve got one faction definitely up to some immediate shady business, because you can’t really say dropping people down a hole is the act of a friend. Unless you subscribe to the Itachi Uchiha school of friendship, in which case, A+.

All that combined leaves us with a terrified circus master, and every prominent piece of plot significance being rushed away from the stage. With three of the available four Marleyan Warriors being collected in holes. The only one not in a hole is closest to Magath, as well as the brother of public enemy number one.

If something were to go wrong, the only Titans not in holes and known to be in Marley are the War Hammer and the Beast.

What gets interesting is that Eren is undeniably the party responsible for Reiner being in a hole, yet the obvious Marley counters to Eren and everything he stands for do absolutely nothing about preventing more Titans from finding themselves in holes. The page where Magath asks for reports on anything unusual, even the smallest detail, is accompanied by Willy stress drinking, and followed directly by the isolation of their Warriors.

Not a single person from Marley finds the departure of their Titans from the production worth commenting on. Pieck and Zeke both have marks of hesitance at complying with their instructions, but absolutely no one on the side they’re supposed to be signed to expresses any concern.

Even though they’re expressly looking out for anything unusual.

I like the idea of Paradis folks continuing their love affair with basements, and I think it would be neat if they’re responsible for Galliard and Pieck’s situation just because we’d get to see Our Heroes in action for the first time in ages, but... no one in the Marley chain of command finds this weird?

Their most powerful weapons get carted off on the night of a declaration of war, and it’s not worth a comment?

Blaming Marley for everything is really easy most of the time, because they’re generally up to no good. In this case, the only thing that’s stopping me is Eren’s involvement. Yeah, no one raises any alarms when Pieck, Galliard, and Zeke make their exit, but there’s also been no one casting suspicious looks at Reiner’s absent seat.

It seems like a really easy thing to claim that whatever happens next, Marley wants their A-listers carefully out of the way, but that would include Reiner. If they are involved, not knowing where Reiner is would be a major concern; you don’t drop people down holes unless the next move is going to be dramatic, and as wonderful as improv is, a lot of great drama works best if you know where your cast is.

Which introduces another fun question: Do the powers that be know where Reiner is?

The baseball mitt from last chapter at least planted the seeds of possibility for communication between Eren and Zeke. If (and the strength of that if is still in question) they have been in contact, and Zeke knows what Eren’s plans are for Reiner, in theory, Marley knows where all the major players are.

Zeke is Magath’s golden boy. He’s also Eren’s brother. He’s in the unique position of having ties that could make him privy to both sides’ tactics here.

He is also, as previously mentioned, the only one not in a hole.

I have no idea whose plan is winning out here, but the sense I get is that there is some kind of “I know you know I know you know” hustling going on, and someone is planning to take advantage of the openings that the other side’s plan leaves.

Basically, the one thing that can be said for certain is that someone is plotting a thing. Too many pieces have been moved too deliberately.

You’d think pinning the blame for a war that hasn’t started yet on a person you’ve never met would be enough for one night, but where’s the fun in that.

...I guess I’m already close enough to that to dive right in, so yeah, in the non-conspiracy theory section, Marley still continues to be horrible!

Like. Let me see if I have this right.

Diet Reiss’ production is all about revealing the true story of the island’s origins. It did not come about purely through the strengths of the Tybur family and Helos, but by the grand design of Karl Fritz.

Karl moves a whole bunch of Eldians off to Paradis and quarantines them, leaving behind a threat that is a total lie, because he’s actually sworn to peace.

He’s the true hero of Marley’s liberation, and so deeply ashamed of what his people have done that he offers up complete surrender to any of Marley’s decisions involving his people. Because his people have no inherent right to life, and he has the right to offer their lives up as part of his personal atonement--though in the meantime, if Marley could hold off a bit on killing them until he’s dead, that would be super rad.

Essentially, continuing the theme of bad parenting, we enter the names of the fathers of modern society, because wow were you all about grand gestures that don’t mean a damn thing and screwing over lots of people because it was easier than fixing the base problems.

Following that, though Willy leaves that part of the story out, Marley proceeds to tarnish the good name of the one Eldian King who helped them for the next century. While reminding all the good little Eldian children that the island is pure evil, and they should do their very best to not be like that.

Yeah, the shocked looks on the kidlets’ faces are depressing.

And of course, the reason Willy is explaining that they’ve spent a hundred years lying about the island is because, hey, the island may have started out a totally chill utopia, but in recent years, the ~*evil*~ Eren Yeager has stolen the power keeping it that way, and now the island’s back to being a real threat that we’ve absolutely gotta do something about!

So enters the latest chapter in Marley being terrible.

This makes my head hurt.

“Surprise, King Fritz was the good guy all along, and we were lying about how dangerous the island was!

Except now we’re not lying and it’s back to being dangerous.

Burn the witch.”

It’s like the boy who cried wolf, only the boy is also a wolf, so are the poor sheep, and really, however it plays out, any peasants unfortunate enough to listen to the boy wolf’s warning are going to get eaten alive. As are the wolves standing on the wrong side of the property line.

The point is, I hope this story ends with Willy being disemboweled.

In other news, Annie’s dad qualifies as one of the better parents we’ve seen solely because he actually cares about his daughter being alive.

Seriously, Reiner’s mother is terrible. She’s so pleased for Bertolt’s father, dying with all of the comforts Marley has to offer because his son dies a noble death as a teenager, and tries to extend that compliment to Annie.

Lady, as far as you know, you’re talking about dead children that your own selfishness condemned. Your son is a basket case thanks to trying to make your life better while you were too much of a coward to do something about it yourself.

(It is more complicated than that. I am not in the mood to care.)

Just... what the heck. A parent caring about their child living should not be noteworthy. The fact that Mr. Leonhart’s honorary status means less to him than his child should be a normal thing, and it isn’t.

If it wouldn’t permanently break Reiner (save that for the things that actually are his fault), I’d be in favor of Karina being disemboweled as well. She’s the only one who’s gained anything out of Reiner’s mission, and she’s happy to take advantage of the spoils even though it’s ruined her kid.

Though to be fair, it’s entirely possible that she hasn’t paid Reiner enough attention to notice that.

Speaking of Reiner!

I do like the opening flashback, bringing the old man up again.

Annie and Bertolt can’t help but dwell on some of the unpleasantness they’ve seen and caused, but Reiner avoids thinking too deeply about it until it slams into him like the Armored Titan slams into walls.

Today, playing the role of the Armored Titan, we have Eren!

Playing the role of walls, the much acclaimed, ever loved, sanity of Reiner!

Yeah, that’ll go well.

Eren’s done his homework. He’s already injured, so restraints won’t stop him from transforming if he needs to, and the massive destruction that a transformation from either one will cause means that he can get his point across without violence getting in the way. If they fight properly, people will die, so play nice.

(For the record, unless he’s fallen off the deep end worse than anticipated, I don’t think he ever intends to harm the people he’s effectively taken hostage. Eren’s always cared about life. Removing that during a timeskip is cheating of the highest magnitude. More to the point, though, Eren’s chosen a threat that requires absolutely no follow through to be effective. Reiner cares about life, too. It’s pure psychological torment, but the only one hurt by it did sort of kill his mother and thousands of other people.)

Reiner’s expressions this chapter are a gift. He’s terrified out of his wits, confronted by a ghost whose memory put a gun in his mouth, and no part of that strain gets kid gloves.

My favorite part, though--well, if I’m honest, there are several favorite parts to this show.

The first one is Reiner’s response when Eren tells him that he’s here to do the same thing that Reiner did.

There’s a lot to be said about how Reiner deals with being a fundamentally moral person who has done a long string of terrible things.

The summary is, “Not well,” but this whole sequence is such a dang microcosm of why Reiner’s head ends up snapping.

He serves Marley. He does his best for them. He protects his home, his family, his comrades. It’s his duty, and everything outside of that isn’t something he needs to think about. He puts it best when he transforms on top of the wall. He doesn’t know what’s wrong or right, but he’s going to see his mission through to the end.

Except Reiner likes to hide his own moral complexities from himself.

He’ll go along with whatever Marley’s plan is. With distinction, even.

But the second Eren says that he’s going to do what Reiner did, there’s only one response. He’s shaky, scared, and horrified. Because what he did to Eren’s people is an abomination. Reiner can’t even grasp why someone would want to do something like what he did.

Eren understands Reiner’s choices better than he does.

He is not gentle about it, and he’s not kind, but Eren gets what Reiner’s lost in the storm of his own conscience.

“You guys were trying to save the world.”

I think somewhere in the last four years, Reiner forgot that he meant that justification. The things he’s done have practically destroyed him. There isn’t any apology or action that can make up for it. He’ll stick to his mission, because he’s a Warrior, but outside of that frame of reference, there is no escaping the horrors or guilt.

(So work really hard at sticking to that mindset.)

But when he first joins the military on Paradis, he states his intentions clearly.

He’s here to save humanity.

Whatever he’s done, and whatever will come after, he means that.

It just so happens that what comes after is so horrible that I don’t think he can bear to connect what he’s done with anything like good intentions.

Eren still can.

He spends the whole chapter sending Reiner to a place that he would very much kill himself to get out of, and he’s still the one who looks at Reiner, and the awful, horrible things Reiner has done to his life, and say that it was born of good intentions.

Reiner hasn’t had the luxury of that kind of understanding. Ever. He can’t get it from himself, because his heart or mind would break at even having the conversation. He’s not going to get it from his friends, because one’s dead and the other mostly hated him before he left her behind. All that he has is memories he can’t share, and guilt that no one around him could even begin to understand.

And Eren might not be okay with any of it, but he sees the one kernel of good that is torturing Reiner, and he acknowledges it. They’re both between a rock and a hard place, and they’re trying to save the world.

It’s a more generous description of what Reiner’s done than he would ever be able to offer himself, even believing it, and for a second, I think the fact that Eren sees that gives him a sliver of hope.

He can’t keep it, because Reiner is damaged beyond belief, but for those few moments, he has someone who understands the best of him.

Best ship or best ship?

Naturally, they’re both still on opposing sides, Eren has just been announced as the world’s Worst, and Falco is watching this all quietly screaming, but hey, something went sort of okay and people aren’t yet dead.

Tune in next month to see that changing.

Oh, wait, I don’t think I did proper justice to Falco’s experience.

There we go.

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 99 #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #spoilers #tl;dr #chapter post #it's November #that's my excuse

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insidethecrack · 7 years ago

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Diagnosis : curse or blessing ?

youtube

[did I already tell you how much this show is absolutely terribly awesomely great ? no ? what am I doing ! :o]

“A real diagnosis will help you feel less alone” “Don’t put a label on you” “You don’t look like you’re [insert diagnosis, generally works fine for autism and schizophrenia]” “If you don’t get a proper diagnosis you can’t get proper help”

etc etc

Whether people are pro or anti diagnosis, they all have their words to say... in our faces generaly. Because, you know, mentally ill, you can’t have a proper opinion about this, fortunately, lovely people are always ready to tell you what’s good for you ! Aren’t you happy ?

If this introduction sounds bitter, it’s because I am. The matter of diagnosis and medication may be the two discussions where neurodiverse people are the most silenced, even if we are the people directly concerned by it. So I want to discuss it, for real, even if it’s complicated and we might have very diverse opinions. Please remember : I do not pretend, in any way, that I hold the truth. This article is nothing but food for thoughts. Food I have chewed for years now (it’s in the pipes of this blog since its creation), this is my opinion now, maybe it will change again. So feel free to disagree. I know how difficult this kind of subject can be... no truth, just food for thought.

In the logic of the Schizophrenic Linguistic, I’ve been thinking about the power of words A LOT. A lot of people, directly concerned or not, seem to believe that a diagnosis fixes everything. Well, as usual, reality is a bit more complicated than that. [also, since it’s a complicated topic, I decided that this post will be covered Simone Simons headbanging gif, no reason, just that it’s a light for me and this article needs some light]

Naming is power

If you can name a thing, you have a chance to control it, or at least, to understand it. A lot of neurodiverse people, whatever their diagnosis, whatever their story, will tell you this: once they had a (proper) diagnosis, a lot of things had started to make sense. There was a reason for what was happening to them, and they were not the reason. It may sound obvisous, but sometimes you got to tell the obvious: if you can explain a thing, you can have a grip on it. You can modify it. Not because it’s easy (it’s not), but a diagnosis, a word, will help you now where to start. Things that were isolated are now the pieces of a puzzle. These pieces have borders. There is a picture on each of them. And you can find a way to put them together.

What is less obvious is that the diagnosis is NOT the picture you have to create. The diagnosis is a tool to create it, to understand it. And it’s fucking important to understant that : it is just a tool.

Why is it important ? Because psychiatry is a scam (sorry, had to get that out of my system, now back to something constructive) the lines of the diagnosis change all the time. Some diagnosis have seen their definition widened (bipolar disorder for example), other restricted (schizophrenia), other created a bit of nowhere since we’re still waiting for scientific proof or clear definition (ADHD), some were not full diagnosis, just symptoms, but are now considered as disorders of their own (anxiety), etc etc. You can choose to believe it’s science making progress, or you can be terrified because it doesn’t make sense how they’re playing with our mind. (also, if you’re like me, you might wonder : how is it possible that for each diagnosis they have found the same number of symptoms? and why “five at least” are required to get the diagnosis? why five, why not four or seven??)

Whether you’re defiant to psychiatry like me, or a true believer of the field, I think we can agree on this: diagnosis when it comes to mental health is not that easy. It’s all made of blurry lines and grey areas. And it makes sense: it can already be very tricky to get a diagnosis for a physical problem, so a mental health issue? Sometimes the concerned person is not able to properly explain it, or because they just have no idea what the problem is, or because they have no idea that this or this can be a problem. To this, you must add the therapist’s subjectivity. And this is not the angry anti-psychiatry me talking. It’s just that therapists are human too. The best therapist can be the worst therapist to someone else. Therapists have bias too... Autism is less diagnosed to women, not because there are less of them, but because of what we consider autism is and what a woman must be. Schizophrenia is more often diagnosed to black persons. Etc etc. They can miss something, or don’t connect the dots well. They can be great to spot depression and PTSD but totally hopeless when it comes to personality disorders. And when you add to this that a huge part of them just think a magic formula exist to cure each diagnosis, or that they think they’re some kind of Brain Wizard, sexism, or transphobia... the result can be absolutely terrible.

Understanding, not magic

Having a proper diagnosis will give you the tool to understand parts of your life history, of yourself, but it won’t fix it. This is very very very important. I’ve seen so many people, concerned or not, getting this wrong. If there is only one thing that looks like an absolute truth in this article it’s this : THERE IS NO MAGIC FORMULA. No pills. No word. Nothing but hard work and time... (like basicaly anything which worths it in this life)

It’s important to remember it. When you’re the concerned person, and you get to look for a diagnosis, it’s probably because you’re in pain, sometimes for years. You’re in pain and you’re tired. And you’ve been for so long, you want solutions, you NEED solutions. And probably you don’t have time to wait. If a diagnosis will give you a key to better understand what you’re going through, it still won’t fix anything. You’ll still have to do the work of understanding, of changing. And this is a long, painful, and terrifying process... We would like a pill to numb the pain, a formula to whisper to any god, but it doesn’t work that way.

To me, word is the picture of a thought at a given moment. Meaning that the word will last, but not the thought. And one day, the thought might be gone so far, that the word won’t make sense anymore. You’ll have to come up with a new word for the new thought. Well, I think diagnosis makes no exception. It’s still a word that describes a reality at a given moment. We think it’s carved in stones, but it’s not. Diagnosis is a process. The definition of a diagnosis changes from time to time, but so do we. And what might have been true once, might not be in the future.

Schizophrenia is not what it used to be. Shrinks say you’d better have cancer than schizophrenia. That you never heal from it. But people did, and people do (at least a third of schizophrenic people get cured !) I was told I’m sick, I’ve always refused to think so. But a schizophrenic friend thinks she is. And it’s not a matter of who’s right or wrong. She has the right word for herself, and I use the right words for me. (I think we’ll come to that special part later) I used to just say that I was psychotic. Then I said I have schizophrenia. Now I say I am schizophrenic, or neuroatypical if I’m not sure I’m in a friendly space. Each of this words are part of my journey along the diagnosis.A new one may come in the future, or not.

Words and diagnosis can change, but you still got to do the (hard) work. Which means to try things, and sometimes fail.

It also means that : run away from any therapist who pretend they have a magic formula (may it be meds, yoga, type of therapy, words). Run as far as you can from them. They’re dangerous... because they won’t listen to YOUR words. They won’t let you choose the right words for yourself. Because they think only one set of words exist for one condition...

One word for so many realities

Let’s go back to a simple thing : a cold. If you’re like me, you may think a cold is a very simple (and genuine) illness. That it’s pretty easy to diagnose, in fact, so easy that probably none of us ever goes to a doctor to get a cold diagnosed. But we all be so wrong to think that a cold is the same for eveyone (but we still do). The symptoms are easy to spot : a blocked up nose, maybe a sore throat, headache, maybe a bit of fever, sometimes a pain in the eyes, like they’re swollen. The thing is... none of us live it the same way. A friend of mine, as soon as she has a 38° fever (NB : if you’re not used to the celcius system : normal body temperature is 37°C, 38 is barely a fever for an adult, but 39 and 40 are worrying, and at 41: run to the closest hospital) she can’t move and is in pain like me at 40... A cold is supposed to be short, but I had cold lasting for 4 uninterrupted months. A friend of a friend just got cancer and chemio, he’s cured and fine, but if you have a cold next to him, you might kill him. Also, do you know what has all the symptoms of a cold but is not a cold ? Allergies, the flue (and probably a few others). The only difference being the causes or the intensity. But what if you didn’t know you had allergies and they started during the cold season (meaning all your relatives and people in the subway have it) ? If you feel terribly sick with a 38° fever, how will you notice the difference of intensity between a cold and the flue ?

Even a simple cold isn’t that simple. So now, if we transfer this logic to mental health, we will have a glimpse of the tricky part of diagnosis: it’s not that simple. As we say : the definition of diagnosis changes, the subjectivity of both patient and therapist has a role, and now we must remember that a simple word can recover so many different realities.

In this blog, as often as I can, I try to explain how schizophrenia is for me and people who has it differently. So if you’re a regular reader, you might have an idea of this, but just for fun, let’s illustrate it even more.

Did you know that hearing voices is NOT a symptom of schizophrenia ? Many people hear voices without being schizophrenic and many schizophrenic persons do not hear voices. Both are often associated because it’s quite common in schizophrenia, but in no way it’s a rule. Regarding the voices, some recognize them. They even name them. Some can clearly understand them, when for other it’s just a fog. Some hear only one voice for all their life, and it’s always the same, when other hear different voices at different ages. For only ONE element of ONE symptom (not being able to recognize a thought as theirs), the possibilities are almost endless. Can you imagine the number of possibilities when we add ALL the element of ALL the symptoms ?

This is why I told you to run from anyone pretending they have some magic cure: if you consider this mathematic reality, it’s impossible. This is why there are still to many things which are unknown or missunderstood: because mathematically the number of combinations is barely understandable by humans. A diagnosis is a list of GENERAL symptoms that are supposed to cover very different realities so they can fit in one unique box.

A diagnosis CAN’T be a magic cure because the risk of error is way too big. So remember : when you’re given a diagnosis, you have the right to ask why. Why does your therapist think this diagnosis fit you ? What does it mean ? And you have the right to disagree. Being wrong doesn’t mean your therapist is a horrible person wanting to hurt, maybe they just didn’t consider a key element as key, maybe there is something you didn’t tell because you didn’t think it was relevant, or maybe there was a bia. If your therapist is a good one, they’d be willing to discuss it with you. Because, once again, a diagnosis being a tool, you’ll need to understand how the tool works, and they have to make sure they give you the right tool. Once again, if they refuse to discuss the whys with you : run.

Loneliness and stigma

Diagnosis can also be a double-edged sword.

On one side, having a word means you’re not alone. They don’t create word for just one person. Having a diagnosis means having the right tool, it also means you’re going to be able to look for people with the same diagnosis. You’ll be able to share experiences, to exchange tricks, to be heard without having to over explain yourself. Knowing that you’re not alone can be such a relief ! No, you’re not a monster, you’re not the problem. You even have peers that can understand you !

I think I don’t need to develop this point much more right ? :) We’re humans, none of us like feeling lonely and forsaken...

But on the other side... it comes with a price. Stigma around mental health is clearly no joke. For some diagnosis, the stigma is so strong that we have to live in the closet. We have to do some kind of coming out to our relatives (I call it “a psyching out”, because English is so easy to neologise with).

Schizophrenics are psycho killer. Bordeline Personality Disorder people too. And so are Multiple Personnality Disorder.

For us, it’s sometimes better not to tell because we really take the risk to lose everything.

But even if it doesn’t get to that point, other diagnosis come with their share of stigma too. We hear of those diagnosis so often that we think we know what they are. Spoiler alert : we don’t, for most of us.

Depression, PTSD, autism, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety, suicidal, eating disorders etc... we hear those words so often we think we know when we don’t. We know the exageration, the stupid things media say without checking. We know from a distance. We use the wrong words, we do poor choice of words, we have the wrong reaction. And people with these diagnosis suffer from this ignorance, they have to deal with it daily, coming from their loved ones sometimes, which make their life even harder.

Also, being diagnosed is being labelled... and that part is hard. How not to get stuck in your diagnosis ? How can you do to keep it a part of yourself but not let it becoming your whole self, especially since for some of us it had a huge impact on the construction of said self ? Those are already tricky question to ask oneself. But telling your relatives about your diagnosis means you’re also inviting them to the labelling party... and you won’t be able to control how they will label you ! Will they just listen to what they think they know because they saw this TV show or read one article ? Or will they do some research on their own to understand what you’re going through and know how to support you ? Will they run away from you ? Will they bring everything to your diagnosis ? Will they stop inviting you not to “tire you too much” in a “hell in paved with good intentions” way ? Will they ask you directly so they know what to do and what not to do ? Will they avoid the subject and act like nothing changed ? Did something change anyway ? Will they tease you about it ? If so, will they bother asking for your permission or not ? Will they tell you what you should do and what your should not do after they’ve heard of the wonders of yoga and gluten-free food ? Do this list ever end ? (no)(at least that last one was easily answered)

Whatever diagnosis, wherever we are on our journey with it, we ask ourselves all these questions all the time.

Bonus question : what’s easier, telling them the diagnosis, or explaining what it means ? Saying “I’m schizophrenic” is quicker and less overwhelming (the irony of this sentence...), but if I’m not sure the person I talk with is aware enough, this might not be the right strategy. They won’t know what it really means, either because their head is full with psycho killer bullshit, or just because they genuinely don’t know (hence the birth of this blog). So it might be better to explain a bit “I hear voices and have recurrent hallucinations which I can tell apart most of the time. In general, I have to live with a broken sense of reality”. But this solution might sound terrifying because it opens too many doors and these doors all lead to an unknown world (and I don’t even blame them to be scared. I mean... I live in this said unknown world. It IS scary...). And there’s not really a third way.

So a diagnosis helps you feel less alone, until the moment it makes you feel even more alone than before.

Responsability and power

I know I may sound pessimistic, so I want to emphasize this, even though I already mentioned it : a diagnosis gives you power. Knowledge is power. Naming things is power. It’s no longer an unknown thing eating your brain. It’s a thing you can name and learn to understand. There is no much more to say, but it is so important I will repeat it over again : IT GIVES YOU THE POWER TO UNDERSTAND AND GET TO KNOW YOURSELF. It’s not going to fix you, because you’re not broken. You’re hurt. You’re different. You may be not functionning well at the moment. But no psychiatrist was stupid enough to create “broken” as en entry in the DSM, and I think it says something.Even if some of them talk about “broken brain”, they still haven’t turned it into a full diagnosis, and even though, you’re not your brain, it’s just a part of you.

It gives you power. The power to define yourself. The power to choose the words that work for you. And you can change these words as you’re working your journey !

Use the words, don’t let them use you.

Also, and this might be a bit more polemic so I hope I’ll succeed in phrasing it well, don’t let them, or yourself, tell shit like “it’s not you it’s the disease”. I know sometimes our brain makes us do to stupid shits. But sentences like that, they directly open the gates to hell... They take away the responsability of your action from you. Thing is, if you’re not responsible for your actions, in the long run, someone will have to be. I’ve been there, in this place where all responsability is taken away from you because “it’s not your, it’s the disease” and believe me, you don’t want to go there. It’s hell, it’s the worst that have ever happened to me, and i’ve spent nights seeing my own body being torn apart so I could see my own head rolling on the kitchen floor... It’s always for your own good, it’s always to protect your. People who say this are very well intentioned, whether they’re therapists or your relatives. But at the end of the road : you don’t get to decide what you feel, what you think, what you want. Anytime you’ll express a slightly strong emotion “it’s not you, it’s the disease”. Which means that if they did you wrong ? Well, you’re not really angry, it’s the disease, so they don’t really have to question themselves. You’re sad ? Well, not really, it’s the disease. Take this pill / do some yoga, you’ll be better. You’re happy ? Well that’s suspicious, might be the disease talking, are you SURE you’re really happy ? You’re afraid ? Well the disease makes you afraid of everything so why bother ? Anytime you’ll try to express what you think about who you are... well the disease makes you unable to form a proper thought or to clearly see the world around you, so your opinions are biaised and we won’t listen to them. And when it comes to what you want to do regarding your own life... well, with your disease it’s not possible to do so and so. They won’t let you think about what you can or can do. They will decide what are your limits. For you. Without asking.

Don’t let you trapped in the “it’s not it’s disease” road. Sure, it sounds easy and tempting, and we all want to do this once because it is so so hard. I write all this shit (with which you can always disagree, remember), but let me tell you a secret : there are still so many moments when I just think “when don’t I just give and let myself turn completely crazy so I will not have to take responsability for anything”. Maybe this too shall pass, maybe it won’t. It happens to the best of us. It’s normal, and it’s ok. But if we give up to this... we might never come back. We will lose so much.. we will lose our feelings, our right to think and disagree, and even our power over our own life. Everything comes with a price... if we give up the responsability of our life because it was too hard... we’ll give ourselves up to them. A them that might not be very comprehensive or well-intentioned...

I often want to give up to the madness just so I can be declared not responsible of my action anymore, which means I won’t have to decide, won’t have to fight anymore. But schizophrenia is a well-crafted defense system (schizophrenia is an artist, a weird gloomy scary artist, but still), and anytime I have these thoughts, it brings back some conversation with the therapists from these days :

“I want to stop going to the temp hospital... I hate it here. I hate being there. I hate the people there. It scares me, I don’t want to me one of them. _But it makes you feel good ! What about going twice a week instead of only once ?”

“I forget my meds the other day and I had troubles falling asleep. Are the drugs breaking my sleeping system ? Does it mean I will never be able to sleep without pills ? What will happen when I stop taking the drugs for good ? _You must not forget your pill !”

“I’m jealous. They live with my friend, and when she’s on the phone with me they still talk to her, they’re stealing my time with her, it’s not fair.. they get to live with her and I can only call once in a while when I have no friend here. It’s not fair and I’m jealous of them. _This is not what you feel.”

And I remember what it truely means to let them tell you “it’s the disease”. Don’t fall in the trap.

Don’t trap your relatives in this hell. Let them chose how they define themselves. How they name themselves. Stop the injonctions and listen to them, even if you disagree (I’m very anti-drugs, but I will never force my beliefs on friends who chose to be on drugs. We’ll discuss it if they want, but I’ll respect their choice anyway. And If I can do this, I have no worry, you can too. Because you truely have no idea how anti-drugs I can be...). It also means that if they don’t want to get a diagnosis, they can. Some people need a word to fight. Others will rather tackle each symptoms on their own. With all the stigma, a diagnosis can be ultra scary and for some people, it’s a real handicap in their quest for well-being. You have to respect that. If they want a diagnosis, hold their hand in the process. If they don’t, well, still hold their hands because they still have issues to fix ! :o

Ask your therapist why this diagnosis. Make your own research. Search for other people like you. Search for their stories. Disagree with your given diagnosis if needed. Get to know yourself.

I hope life will give you the time to do this diagnosis-travel on your own terms. Whatever way you choose, I wish you the best. May you find the tools that work the best for you.

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I hope you found this article interesting (or even helping :o).

I want to try to write here more regularly, like maybe once a month... so if you have any question or topic you wanna see discussed here, let me know ! I’m looking for way to communicate with you (so you can submit question or topics more easily), but FB is worse and worse for this kind of this and I’m regularly forced to avoid it because it triggers my paranoia... a discord maybe ? Any ideas ?

Also, I have a little ask... I’m back to precarity shit and all the money anxiety it brings with it. So maybe, if you like this blog and you can, maybe you can buy me a coffee ? Or just share the articles you like. And if you can’t, it’s ok, I still with you the best of way on your own quest for well-being <3

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