#all my sisters did. there wasnt a time in my life when i didnt envy them or when i didnt want to be their age

[fadeintolight]

.

[goatpaste]

god out here seein butchleopardstar talkin bout their old wc oc and i just have this urge to show my old ones ESPEcially ones i still have

also a fun lil look into my shitty old art 

angel was like my big first MAIN wc oc and she was called angelwing/angelstar and was the leader of demonclan a group of demon monster cats. she was married to a dude named devilheart (who is now a retired oc sorry devilheart) and they had kids and they all fought the forcesss off eeeeviiil. 

i still  own her and love her, my special first oc,,

Devilheart who is a now retired oc he was angelstars mate and was just a demon who was a big softy who loved his wife but had a temper for annoying people

dragonflight another member of demonclan and one of angelstars friends, he had the stupid storyline of being in love with angelstar despite her having a family and then also being in an unhappy marriage with a lady named blizzardlove

hes a retired oc

blizzardlove who was dragonflight mate and had the exact same storyline but with her being in love with devilheart.

she is oc retired now, but if i was smarter then i woulda relized she was in love with angel

brightflower (now just bright) was one of angelstar and devilhearts kids and was just a very sweet big hearted girl shes still that and loves her mom very much shes just not a cat anymore and is like her current moms story and is in lesbians with one of their evil mortal enemies pride

puretime (now just pure) was another one of angelstars kids who was just for the most part a regular cat but like a werewolf became a giant unstoppable monster on a blue moon that attacks everyone. hes very shy and nervous and scared of himself current him i still own and hes just about the same but he’s people, not related to angel and whatever but he still got scary werewolf live monsters livin in him

ghost flower was the third kid of angelstar and devilheart. she was a ghost cat demon thing and was super rowdy and i loved her a lot of the three. she was angelstars deputy.

now she retired having not been used in years

god THIs oc i didnt even remember existed until i saw her on my DA. her name is Applebabble she was apparently Puretimes daughter and has a speech impediment but the ability to copy voices.

she defiantly got retired oops lol

Envy who was the daughter of Angelstars mortal enemy Reborn but envhdsgsdk envy hated being apart of a family of evil and just wanted to be a normal good person. shes TECHNICALLY not retired i still draw her mom and sibling but i also havent drawn her in years

sinborn the first born on Reborn and favirote daughter.

she means and cruel and knows she favorite and plays to it. she steps on her sisters all the time and its a lil bastard

she was retired a long time ago,,,

Pride who was reborns (at the time son) third daughter who was just a typical scummy bastard who fell in love with angelstars daughter brightflower and is just trying to balance being super evil with being smithened by one of the sweetest lil light in the universe and pride still the same except lesbians now

reborn, the big miss bady of my childhood she was just totally evil through and through and loved to be bad and be a pain on angelstars life. now shes still angelstars mortal enemy but with homoerotic subtext

solarspark, this ugly ugly design im so sorry i did that to you apparently he was suppous to be Brightflowers son who had an obsession with know who his mystery father was i guess defiantly a retired oc

Mirrorpool, Solarsparks brother. who was a lot chiller and big ‘no care’ attitude. he loved his mother and was very sure of himself and his skills.

a retired oc that i still do love the design on. simple but cute

god plush was a stupid ass character whos whole thing was that he could stand and was in love with a gang member but in a no homo way and was defiantly homophobic

now hes just plush the guy defiantly and openly gay for the hot gang leader. and he still stands and is just a furry oc now

Nightkit, designed for a wc rp group on DA, drew her once and then forgot she existed lol

Waxwhisker, also made for that group of wc Rp stuff that i immediately forgot about. he meant to be in waterlcan

timetravler who was as his named said, is a timetravler. he would just show up around leafclan who take people on timetraveling adventures. and was V gay he would often turn these adventures into romantic gestures for handsome men.

i still own this one! idk why i felt like i couldnt let him go,,,

east who was apart of my ‘compass ocs’ he was just a fancy cat who raised his adoptive son west and hate siblings of north and west. they really jdshgds didnt have much story beyond that? idk why i made them

hes just a bunny named east now lol

then west to go along with east. he was just baby cowboy supreme.

south who was just big big meany, she was just very grumpy and violent. 

souths brother north who hh is a polar bear now and doesnt have a full up to dte ref, im workin on it lol

but got his old art and design, bad

spookyfire who was apart of my old rp friends clan Hauntedclan and they lived in an abandond mansion. she ws married to the leader lizardstar and they had maNY baby

she is retired U.U

Wickedspell, one of spookyfires many baby

she makes potions and is a lil witch

i tried to revamp her a few times over the years but yknow

things happen

Battlestar, another of spookyfires kids, leader after Lizardstar of Hauntedclan

retired character

Zerogravity anOTher one of spookyfires kiddos she was a sweet lil lady who was with a guy named Arksoul who stood by her after she learned herself incapable of kids.

retired character

wire who was the leader of my own baby version of bloodclan, known as savageclan. wire was an absolute monster who abused those around him and threaten even those he loved to get what he wanted.

his clan was located in a nearby abandoned power plant

his mate scrawnyskull left him with their kids after she realized how horrible he was.

scrawnyskull, Wires ex mate. she and her sister was a pet taken from her home by savageclan cats and raised in their terrible ways. she was later made wires mate. When scrawnyskull realized how far wire was willing to go to get what he wanted, she left behind her life in savage clan to raise her kids in a nearby clan iceclan.

now shes just a big monster lady oc who loves her babies

flora, shes scrawnyskulls daughter

thats about it, and i still have her around

phantum, scrawnyskulls son whos just a lil guy

storm, another one os scrawnyskulls kids, a stubborn lil guy

retired oc

Flare, scrawnyskulls sister who like swanyskull was taken from her home as a pet and made a member of savageclan. she too late realized how bad savageclan is after her sister left 

now she just a kitty cat furry oc lol shes the fun aunt

Force, one of my savageclan memebers she hated savageclanbut leaving wasnt  really an option

retired oc

another savageclan clan oc named scratch, he knew savageclan was bad but figured noone else would have him at this point

retired oc

twitch, another savageclan character. lazy bastard

retired oc

killier, another saveclan kitty who was stolen from his home as a kid and is now one of wires trusted bodygaurds

Fang, lil lady of savageclan

retired oc

badger and wolf, savageclan bastard brothers

oh they irritating

retired oc

Hollow, savageclan cat. saved by savageclan warriors as a child would have died if not for them. feels in dept to them

retired oc

snipe, savageclan warrior taken from his pet home at a young age. learning of his orgins in adulthood came to have a fascination for humans

retired oc

Fox savageclan lady

retired oc

Diamond, pretty savageclan lady

retired oc

leafclan warrior SafariPuma

now hes just a big muscle tiddy kitty

bright?? who was just a cat made of blood?

retired oc

cabbitleap, just a cat rabbit grumpy man

retired oc

icestar, leader of my iceclan i made forever ago

retired oc

rosedew, daughter of icestar and her mate snaketail

ragingstar, first leader of iceclan. spunky loud lady

now shes is named flamingo and is mmm creature!

goddessstar, leader of stellarclan

retired oc

Dim horrible daughter of goddesstar 

retired ocs

silentnight, i think i made her just to have that name

retired oc

his name is fucking coxdream, he was half cat half fox and at age 10 or whatever just DID not relize the motherfucker name sounded like that

now his name is still cox dream and now hes just a horny joke/serious character lol 

Gracie, a loner who easily fell in love and constantly had her heart broken

now shes a zombie and falls in love and then eats the people she likes which sucks

B their a ninja cat

Dagger, cyborg cat who was experimented on

now shes a cool fortune teller with robot parts for fun

wasp was probably one of my first cat ocs when i started being into warriors  i still have him and love him and im currently designing him a boyfriend,,

brown who was friends with wasp 

i think she could technically be said to be one of my first fursonas lol

retired oc

badsmog, never did much wqith her beyond design

still have her as smog and she is creature

[00sheven]

655321

hello all. good day.

I guess it's been a relatively regular sort of day.

I have not worked on any insurance stuff as of yet.

however.

well let's begin at the beginning.

my sister clomped ( is that a real word?) he way into the outpost at 11am this morning.

she called up stairs to tell the kids she had "hot coco" then proceeded to clomp up and down the stairs.

I woke up, and got my bearings, put my sleeping bag in the wash and proceeded to start my day.

I've been sleeping later these days because I dread waking up and having to deal with all the unpleasantness that comes with trying to get your life back on track after the nuclear holocaust that we've gone through the first few months of this year.

as I said in earlier posts. 2020 has been a real kick in the balls.

as always the video games fired up immediately.

I guess the goose had got up early to do his homework.

he walked up stairs as I was putting away the remnants of my sleeping apparatus away.

the first thing that I witness was my youngest nephew benny have a complete meltdown because he was stuck in a spot on a video game. ( he just didnt want to play that part. it was kind of a puzzle. he wasnt down with that.) he got his older brother " billy goat" ( I have nick names for all the kids.) to get him through it. apparently billy goat wasnt going fast enough for him ( he is 7 by the way. I'm talking about benny. billy goat is 17) so he starts complaining and telling him to hurry up. billy goat gets pissed off and tells him to do it himself. at this point benny throws a bolt, his face turns beet red and starts screaming "you do it" over and over again until my sister interceded. I called him a spoiled brat. I think at that point of the day I was just checking my email. it was one of the first experiences I had today.

next

I decided to try and tackle my health insurance problem. I called medical and they gave me option of a call back which I took. the called me about 20 minutes later the woman I spoke to got me sorted on my medical benefits. she told me to start an online account to send in some paper work that they need from my employer, unemployment, and a statement I have to write out regarding being laid off. after we got done with medical I inquired about calfresh and we started the application process. then the call dropped. there was a call back but it dropped again when I picked up. I decided to start the process of creating my online account. ( *rant alert* the people at social services are unsung heroes and on the front lines everyday. they save people's lives. and they get yelled at and treated badly. I dont envy thier jobs. imagine to have to tell some one who is in dire need and at probably one of the most desperate times in thier lives that they cant be helped because of some regulation or guideline that some rich Republican made to keep people from getting assistance. we are all moochers in thier eyes.)

I'm getting off track.

next I try and create my online account.

1. enter name

enter user name

enter email

enter email again

enter password

enter password again

enter security question 1

enter security question 2

enter security question 3

enter next

somthing goes wrong please re enter password.

re enters password

next

somthing goes wrong please re enter password

re enters password

next

something goes wrong.

removes unacceptable character from password

next

2. enter first name

enter middle initial

enter last name

enter mailing address

select security picture

name security picture

next check e mail

3. select link in email to activate account

enter user name

there is no account with that user name

enter user name

there is no account with that user name

repeat steps 1 and 2

repeat steps 1 and 2

repeat steps 1 and 2

calls social services

although you can read through that rather quickly. it took much longer than that.

it's nice when you fumble through things that you have never done before with virtually no instruction. I may just have thick skull syndrome.

in the mean time the aural assault continues.

I get my call back maybe an hour later and after much explanation i finish my application via phone.

I have to be transferred to another social worker to swear that I have told the truth. they recorded me swearing that I have told the truth. I was terrified that I would be disconnected at the transfer and made the social worker swear that she would call back to see if everything went okay.

she did.

I love her.

as that was going on my sister and the kids went to pick up a pizza order.

they came back with pizza and at that point I say "fuck it" I blow my whole diet to hell. if your gonna die, die with your boots on, right!? that's gonna be hard if I dont have any god damn feet to put in the boots. right?!? (that was rhetorical)

I do it anyways.

I then proceed to have 2 big glasses of coke.

I'm spiked.

I'm like a junky rushing on my run. ( a serious lou reed bite)

I dont care about all the noise or my nephew telling my sister that he isn't gonna spend an hour on his home work.

or the fact that goose doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I'm alive today.

yeah that happend too.

what's up his ass.

I got a good mind to adjust his attitude.

a hi dad, I love you dad would be nice. maybe even to venture as far as giving me a hug would be greatly appreciated.

it's not like I dont need one.

so now I'm going to force my sugar junky emotionally broken ass to start working on my insurance class.

the sonic reducer ain't no fuckin loser mother fucker.

if you dont understand what that means.

figure it out, tough shit.

sincerly

me.

king of the dogs

3/24/20

[starryseo]

torn. | han jisung + lee felix

pairing ↠ jisung x gender neutral!reader, felix x gn!reader

genre ↠ fluff? bit angsty- royalty au!

wc ↠ 5501

summary ↠ how can one follow their heart when it’s split in two?

warnings ↠ none!

a/n ↠ instead of writing 2 different fics for their bdays i’ve given u the best of both worlds :) enjoy :)

being the only heir to the throne was extremely difficult

you had to go through so many different classes, formal events and gatherings in a single day

and it was vvv stressful

your parents insisted on you joining in on their meetings with other higher-ups so you could understand how to deal with each person

and although you knew it was only going to benefit you when you inevitably took over

you really just wanted a break

time alone was so fleeting and you hated that

whenever you had time to relax or enjoy yourself, you’d be too tired to actually do so properly

as much as you enjoyed some of the lessons, like archery (your personal trainer minho was definitely a Sight to see) and cookery (bc mrs han would always let you eat the food you made)

it was extremely tiring and you wished for just one day where you could do absolutely nothing

you always envied the people that werent of your status, people that didnt (quite literally) have a kingdom thrust upon their shoulders

they got to enjoy the finer things in life: normal conversations with their families; they could go out wherever, buy things for themselves and admire the country’s scenery

instead, you were stuck with only ever having meetings with your parents to discuss upcoming deals, people showering you with unwanted gifts to woo you over, and accompanied walks out into your garden

you couldn’t even walk in your own garden alone

there was, however, one special thing that you did look forward to seeing everyday

and that came in the form of an 18 year old boy

han jisung.

han jisung was as close to perfection you thought anyone could get

having practically grown up with the boy, you thought you knew everything there was to know about him

and vice versa, of course

he was your confidant

the only one you could go to when your stress was too high and you had no idea how to cope

he’d seen you through a lot of bad days but his smile alone could always brighten up your mood

he was extremely caring

always putting your needs before his own despite you insisting he treats you as an equal

you knew he didn’t do it bc of your status, it really was just how he was as a person

even to complete strangers, he was always so nice, helping them out without a care

you really wondered how he could be so carefree when outside the castle

this one time he had snuck you out of the castle during your lesson with him

you looked so sad when you came to the stable for your horseriding lesson and his heart ached as soon as he saw your frown

and almost instantly he knew what to do!!

since your horseriding lessons took place inside the castle, your bodyguard didn’t stay with you, entrusting jisung with your safety instead

and he decided that an impromptu trip to the great Outside was exactly what you needed!

so, sneaking out through the back of the stables, donning jisung’s jacket, hat and a face mask, you both escaped the castle

this side of the castle was for the common people that worked inside, like the maids, chefs, stableboys, and when mrs han, your favourite cookery teacher and also jisung’s mum, saw you trying to leave, she simply smiled, waving for the common guards to let you through

he shot a thankful grin at his mum before grabbing your hand, taking you out of the castle

when he wasnt training you and the horses, he spent his time going out of the castle, bringing back small things from his adventures

you didn’t like people showering you with riches, but the small flowers and hand-made bracelets jisung brought back were exceptions to that

he weaved expertly through the hustle and bustle, taking you to a quaint cafe nearby

your grip on his hand tightened - what if people recognised you? word would spread and you would be in so much trouble!

yet, as soon as jisung rubbed your hand soothingly, turning to give you a reassuring smile, all your worries vanished

this cafe was one you frequented (when you escaped your royal walls with jisung)

so when changbin, the owner’s son, saw jisung and a ridiculously-disguised figure (you) walk in, he snickered, ushering you two over into the backroom

he snuck some food and hot drinks to you both during his shift as you snuck away

although you always had to be on alert, jisung’s relaxed demeanour rubbed off on you

you enjoyed doing things like this with him, not caring about your next lesson, or the plethora of princes/esses you had to impress next

you loved just sitting on the floor with him, sharing a plate of cookies and all your secrets

“thank you for this, ji” you sighed, leaning your back against the wall as you sipped on your drink

“don’t worry ‘bout it!” you scrunched your nose when he grinned, cookie crumbs lining the corner of his lips

you raised your hand to wipe away the crumbs, but as soon as your finger touched him, he jumped back

“how indecent, sunshine! the royal highness touching someone as lowly as me? what would your parents say?”

you rolled your eyes at his joke, leaning your head on his shoulder

“you, lowly? you’re better than nearly everyone in that castle, ji”

“what do you mean ‘nearly’? i thought i was your best friend!” he nudged you, a massive pout on his face

 “well, you are my best friend, but that’s nothing compared to minho’s face, seriously,,,”

“yeah, im definitely telling your parents this now”

“hey i was joking,” you smiled, poking his side so he would laugh instead of pouting more, “you’re my favourite person in that castle”

“hey lovebirds, shouldn’t you be heading back to the castle?” changbin popped into the kitchen, hanging up his apron, “you’ve been here for almost an hour”

at that, both your and jisung’s carefree attitudes were gone like the wind, eyes wide and bodies rigid as you realised you had to leave. now.

as quickly as you both could, you ran out of the cafe

you don’t know when jisung reached back to hold your hand, pulling you along with him, but a sudden warmth filled you, and you were sure it wasn’t bc of the unexpected exercise

you arrived just a split second before guards had come into the common house, demanding to know where you were since you weren’t waiting by the stables like usual

“i’m fine, i was just a bit hungry so i asked mrs han for some food!”

your bodyguard nodded at that, waiting for you start walking so he could guard you

just as he went ahead to open the doors, you turned around, waving wildly at jisung who was already returning the gesture, and you mouthed a quick ‘thank you!’ before following your guard back to the castle grounds

han jisung was like a sunrise, you always thought

not only because he could brighten your days with the smallest of smiles, but because he was a wisp of fresh air from your tedious life

he always had a trick up his sleeve, something new and surprising to ignite your life, just like the sun rose and breathed life into everything it shone down upon

whenever you saw him, you were sure you could literally see him glow, a heavenly light outlining him because there was no way on earth jisung was anything less than an angel

he was, in simple terms, stunning

even tho he couldnt understand exactly what you went through on a daily basis, he tried so hard to relate to you, knowing exactly what to do to make you feel better

and for that, you couldn’t be more grateful

weeks had passed and your life went as it normally did until one thursday evening

the dining room was filled with its usual quietude, cutlery clinking against plates as you ate your food in peace

although you wished your parents would speak up more, ask you how your day went and not be so focussed on business, you took notice of their tired eyes and held-back yawns

nonetheless, you enjoyed simply being in their presence without deadlines looming over you and the constant nagging from your counsellors

just as you were about to break the silence your father spoke up

he cleared his throat to catch your attention before speaking, “tomorrow, the royal family from our sister country will be coming over to stay”

“o-oh? why?” you furrowed your eyebrows at your father’s announcement

it had been a while since you had last seen that family alone

of course you saw them whenever your family held large events but they hadn’t visited, and stayed over, at your castle in a while

“conflict has been rising at the borders, and you know we cannot be having wars start between our countries”

you nodded and your father continued eating, ending the talk there

you headed straight to bed after that, but you found it hard to sleep because your mind kept wondering back to the family that were arriving soon

or, more specifically, the prince

lee felix.

you woke up grumpily the next morning, having stayed up a few hours later than usual simply because you couldnt sleep

the knocking at your door was getting louder and you could barely hear your maid, hana, yell out your name

grumbling, you got out of bed, pulling open the door. “what’s the matter hana?”

“your highness, the lee family has arrived, why aren’t you ready?”

“i just woke up-”

“oh goodness!” you watched her panic, stuttering something about how your parents would have her head for your lateness, eyes wide in fear, and you laughed to ease her worries

“hana, please, calm down. i’ll wash up, but could you get my clothes?”

she nodded before scurrying off to piece together your attire and accessories

and you made the quickest run ever to get yourself cleaned and presentable

of all days to oversleep, you sighed, shaking your head to push away your fatigue

you groaned at the clothes hana haid lain out on your bed; they looked uncomfortably rich and you couldnt wait to get out of them already

you tried to walk into the dining hall as quietly as possible, but the conversation that was going on stopped as soon as you entered, 5 pairs of eyes on you the second you stepped past the door

you walked forward, bowing your head and greeting the family in front of you, them returning the gesture

king lee smiled as you sat down, joking, “how nice of you to finally join us!”

you stuttered out an apology, looking away nervously, but he shook his head to dismiss your worries

your eyes flittered to felix who was sitting in the seat furthest away from you

he was already looking at you, smiling when you caught his eye and you adored how his eyes crinkled at the corners

you had zoned out as the adults talked and, occasionally, when you and felix made eye contact, he’d pull a weird face

you bit your lips to hold back your laugh but he joined you in grinning

after finishing breakfast, your mother proposed you take felix on a tour of the house as the adults talked over the issues at hand

"anywhere you’d like to go in particular?”

“surprise me, your highness” he nudged your side, eyes eagerly wandering around the halls of your home

you rolled your eyes at what he called you, “since when have you been the formal type?”

he shrugged, smirking, “just thought it was fitting,” he winked at you before walking ahead, “let’s go to the gardens!”

“thought you wanted me to surprise you...” you mumbled, picking up your pace to catch up with him

he waited by the doors leading outside, just so he could hold them open for you and when you thanked him, he let out a teasing, “anything for you, your highness”

“i have a name for a reason, felix, please use it”

“but i like calling you ‘your highness’, your highness”

“it sounds so... so weird though, we’ve known each other since we were kids, we practically grew up together”

“better get used to it then, your royal highness”

you let out a horrid groan at his insistence on the nickname

if there was one thing you remembered about felix

it was that he was stubborn as anything

when you were kids this trait usually transferred into competitiveness and a desire to constantly beat you - he would always beg for rematches if you ever beat him

now his persisting nature made you want to poke him until he stopped, but, since he was your guest, you would try to hold off on doing that for as long as you could

“oh, you remember jisung, right?” you asked, leading him down a familiar path

when you were younger and felix visited, the 2 of you would play outside in the garden and then sneak away to the common area to play with jisung too

the visits became infrequent as you grew older, but jisung was always acting as a waiter at formal events, so the 2 boys still would have seen each other around the castle

“of course i do”

it was a normal reply, and yet you sensed some sort of underlying bitterness when he said that because the ever-present smile on his face wilted slightly at the mention of the other boy

you brushed it off as you overanalysing - felix really had no reason to hate jisung, and you’d never seen the 2 of them fight, nor had either come to you, complaining about the other

you led him to the common house, knocking on the door to the entrance, before going in

you greeted the people lounging around there, snickering slightly as they rushed to welcome felix in properly

you noticed how some of the staff blushed as felix smiled at them, nervously giggling in front of him and you cringed slightly

you held back your laguh as they grew nervous in his presence, but he didn’t seem to mind, his grin growing larger as though he knew what effect he was having on them

“hey mrs han, where’s ji?”

“good morning, your highnesses, he went out to get some food, he should be coming back soon”

“is it alright if we wait here for him?”

“of course!” she smiled, eyes tired but still shining - you admired her pure enthusiasm and the hard work she put into everything she did

she swatted off the other workers that were lazing around so you could sit down

“it’s a pleasure to see you again, prince felix,” mrs han said, placing a plate of warm cookies on the small table in front of you

“the pleasure is all mine, mrs han,” felix beamed, “and might i say, you look like you haven’t aged since the last time i saw you!”

“you are too kind, my prince,” she laughed at his compliment, “he’s a keeper, isn’t he, y/n?”

felix turned to you when mrs han said that, throwing you an exaggerated wink

“he’s a real catch,” you said, voice monotoned and he nudged you at your lack of enthusiasm

“c’mon your highness,” felix teased, lifting your hand to press a kiss in the back before ending with a wink, “admit it.”

you dont know why your hand warmed at the contact, nor why you felt a weird fluttery feeling in your stomach at the overused action, yet you didn’t exactly hate what you were going through

before you could reply, you heard someone clear their throat to break the conversation

“ji!” you exclaimed, jumping from your seat, “felix is here!”

“so it seems,” he murmured, eyes unmoving from felix’s face

you turned to felix, only to see him staring straight back at jisung, eyes unblinking

you looked at mrs han, raising a brow, confused at their awkward behaviour, and she just shook her head, mumbling, “boys...” before grabbing the bags from jisung’s hands and walking off

“alright,” you clapped, breaking both boys out of their stare-off, “let’s go outside!”

“you two go ahead, i’ve got something to do,” jisung murmured

“please, ji, we came here just for you,” you pouted, pulling his wrist to make him join you

“i’ll come later, i swear, y/n,” he replied, lightly squeezing your hand in promise

you nodded before leaving with felix, but you couldnt help feel something was off about him

he hadn’t called you by your name in years.

you and felix had decided to stay outside, sitting on one of the benches just to catch up with each other

mrs han had, kindly enough, sent someone over with a basket of food for you to snack on as you listened to felix talk about his friends

“i’ve missed this, you know?”

“missed what?” you asked, quickly swallowing a bite of your sandwich

“this, us, the two of us being with each other”

“o-oh” you mumbled, staring down at the food in your hand, “it has been a while hasn’t it?”

you tried to skirt around the topic, not knowing exactly what he meant or why he would miss you so much

you were avoiding his gaze, but you could still feel his eyes peering at the side of your face

“please look at me,” he whispered, and you dont know what exactly it was about his voice, but despite your sudden shyness at the topic, you felt compelled to look at him

he slowly grabbed your hand, the touch warming you instantly as he rubbed circles on the back of your hand

his eyes were glistening under the sun, roaming all over your face as soon as you turned to him

all you could focus on was him

his eyes

his freckles

his lips-

“hope i’m not interrupting anything!”

thank god for jisung bc you dont know how much longer you could stay unmoving under felix’s intense gaze

as soon as you looked at your best friend, felix had turned away too, scooting away from you and you wondered if he’d been that close to you the whole time

“you came!” you cheered as enthusiastically as possible, but felix’s actions were just replaying in your mind and jisung could tell there was something off about the both of you now

jisung had run the short distance left to you, sitting himself in the gap between you and felix

“so, sunshine, why’d you so desperately want to see me?”

“i wasn’t desperate, you fool, i just wanted all of us to hang out together, like old times”

“ah yes, the dream team plus felix,” although he was only joking, smirk on his face clearly showing that, only you and jisung had laughed at that

“hey, i was just kidding,” he said, nudging felix when said boy just carried on staring at the ground

“i gathered” felix grumbled, sighing before standing up, “i need to use the bathroom”

“i can show you-”

“i’ll find it myself.” he cut you off, walking in the direction of the castle

“whats got the prince so grumpy?” jisung asked rhetorically

you shrugged, his actions still reeling in your mind

“let me guess,” jisung started, “he got all moody as soon as i came, right?”

“now that you mention it, yes, he did, but what has that got to do with anything?”

in all your time knowing the two boys, they had never argued in front of you; the three of you always played together nicely, albeit they both were closer to you than they were to each other, but you just assumed that was because they never knew each other that well

now that you were all older, you hoped they had grown out of their childish ways, but apparently not

“um, everything??” jisung spoke, like everything he was saying was clear as day, “he’s probably jealous of us because i’m pretty sure he likes you.”

you laughed at that

hysterically

felix??? liking you?? that was CrazyTM even for that wild child

“seriously jisung i dont know how you came up with that, but that was a good one”

“for once, y/n, im not joking”

your chuckles died down when you noticed he really wasnt laughing with you

your eyebrows furrowed, confusion already lacing your words as you asked “why would he even like me?”

“beats me,” he joked, shrugging his shoulders and, despite that being a harmless, dismissive action, it hurt

so much

sure, jisung was your best friend but was there really nothing about you that he liked?

you hated how much a small gesture like that got to you, but you couldnt stop the sadness bubbling inside of you even if you tried

“wow, thanks,” you scoffed, dusting off your clothes before standing up, “i’m going to see if felix is okay.”

“wait, y/n-” he jumped up, pulling you back to him by your wrist. “i didn’t mean it like that, i-”

“it’s whatever, jisung,” you tugged your hand out of his grasp before walking back to the castle

you wanted to hear him out, he looked so desperate to talk to you, but your mind was hazy with so many different thoughts and emotions you just need to get away from him

so you walked back inside, taking your time as you climbed the staircase to the room that felix was staying in

you knocked on his bedroom door, entering when you heard a low, “come in”

he was sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his knees as he stared at the ground, his hands covering his face

you rushed over to him, quickly shutting the door behind you, before you crouched in front of him

gently holding his wrists, you moved his hands away from his face

you brushed away his hair that had fallen in front of his face, glad to see that he wasn’t crying

but his crestfallen expression wasnt heartwarming either

he had barely glanced up at you, finding the carpet much more intriguing to stare at

“talk to me, felix, what’s the matter?”

“nothing, it’s stupid,” he sighed, falling back onto the bed. once again, he covered his eyes with his forearm.

you lay down besides him on the bed, staring at the ceiling

you both stayed like that for a while, completely silent, but it was comforting just being besides felix like that

jisung’s words were running through your head and, although you felt bad for leaving him like that, you were curious as to whether or not there was any truth behind his words

could lee felix really like you?

“hey, felix?”

he hummed, arm unmoving, to tell you he was listening

“has this got something to do with jisung?”

he let out a long sigh before turning onto his side to face you

you mirrored his position, staring at his face to see him doing the same

he bit his lip, closing his eyes as though he was contemplating what to say

when he finally opened his eyes again, you listened to him intently

“in a way, yes?” he started, chuckling a bit, “this is going to sound so stupid, but, i guess i just envy the two of you.”

you furrowed your brows, pouting slightly at hearing his confession - why did he feel jealous though? jisung was right about that part-

“stop doing that,” felix whined, his own lips pouting

your eyes widened at his sudden exclamation, “doing what exactly?”

“stop being so cute”

“felix-”

“i like you, okay? i’ve liked you for so long, but jisung likes you too and it kills me because i know that you’d pick him over me any day”

you couldnt believe jisung was actually right.

felix seriously liked you?

liked you as more than just a friend??

your thoughts were going haywire, his confession playing like a broken record in your mind

“i-i didn’t know-”

he laughed at that, facing the ceiling once more, “that’s kind of the whole point of a crush”

you were stunned.

how were you even supposed to reply to that??

“it’s hard not to like you, really.” he started, and you noticed his cheeks turning rosy with every word he spoke. “you’re so down-to-earth, unlike a lot of the other royals we meet who are conceited and full of themselves, you’re so kind to people, but you won’t ever let them push you around or take you for granted, y’know? and you’re always hands on, you love helping others out even when your parents or mrs han are telling you not to; god, i could go on for eternity about the little things i like about you y/n...”

by the time he had said all of that, he was facing you once more, hand slowly coming to rest on your cheek as he stared closely at you

“do you remember the first time we met?”

small smiles crossed both of your faces as you thought back to childhood memories

“of course i do, at the hwang palace”

hwang hyunjin was like a brother to felix, despite being the prince of a different country

the two were practically inseperable - whenever there was a formal event taking place, you would always find one right beside the other

you remembered that day very clearly. it was one of the first times you had actually left your country for a function. before that, your parents had kept you at home to review work since they thought you were too young to be out at large, noisy social events

so when you rocked up at the hwang party, hiding behind your dad’s leg as he greeted other kings, hyunjin and felix took the initiative to grab your hands and literally drag you away to the other kids there

hyunjin disappeared a little while after to beg the cooks to sneak you kids some food

and felix whisked you away to hyunjin’s room

at first you were scared (bc 2 boys were dragging you away and your parents were just smiling at you to have fun)

but you realised they werent all that bad. felix made you feel really welcome as he shared the food already in hyunjin’s room

you both played with the toys and half-built fort felix and hyunjin had already set up

and by the time hyunjin had come back with a massive bag full of sweets you were 100 per cent you didnt ever want to leave these two

you were literally on the verge of crying when hyunjin’s maid came up telling you that you had to go

you and felix were literally begging your parents to stay but to no avail :(((

that continued on for years after that until the 3 of you had grown up and it was no longer socially acceptable for 3 royals to go into a bedroom together for hours on end bc who knows what would be going on in there

you’d still catch felix sending you sly grins when you met him in the hall and he’d always jokingly ask you to dance with him

and each time you’d send him away or run to hyunjin to save you

spoiler: he never saves you

so you’d end up dancing with felix and it would be so bad

you knew he could dance bc he had put on performances at his own family’s events

but here you two were too busy laughing and chatting away to try to not step on the other’s feet

“i was so sad when hyunjin came back up, y’know?”

“why? we were in his room,” you laughed at his childish behaviour

“because,” he whined, “we were having so much fun together and you were the first kid that actually came up and joined us, everyone else stayed with their parents”

“i mean, i didnt have much choice did i? you two dragged me upstairs to play with you.”

“touche-”

by now both of you were staring at the ceiling again, thinking back on many childhood memories

“it wasn’t love,” he started, “we were 7 i dont think i even knew what love was then, but i could just- i don’t know, i could tell there was smth about you then. and when we met up after that i think i just fell for you a bit more each time.”

it was so odd hearing felix talk about how he liked you

the boy was always joking around, a grin plastered on his face, but here he was speaking so earnestly and it left you completely speechless

you couldnt lie to yourself

you had thought about felix in some romantic way before

as you grew up your parents would always make comments about how you and felix were so close

add that to the fact that both of your parents were very close too

you honestly thought you’d end up marrying felix one day to satisfy your parents and your nations

of course the topic of marriage wasnt for another few years but these thoughts had bombarded your mind every now and then - more so when your father announced the lees would be coming over

but right now, as you lay besides him, mind an utter mess, you had no clue how to respond to him

all thoughts abruptly stopped as soon felix spoke

“can i kiss you?”

your thoughts went wild after that, but somewhere in that mess you vaguely remember nodding before one of you moved close and the other even closer, diminshing any distance between the two of you

it was short but lasting

his hand came up and rested on your cheek, barely holding onto you like you were the finest china he had ever laid hands on

so scared to break you, yet unwilling to let you go

his touch was warm and comforting, like a sunrise, appreciation and love washing over you in blissful waves

you pulled away from him, his eyes slowly opening at crinkling at the edges as he grinned

“you dont know how long ive wanted to do that for”

you laughed at his excitement and the smile on his face, but the door slamming shut broke you out of this joyous moment

you had a sinking feeling you knew who was there and without wasting a second you got up

your mind barely registered felix calling your name out as you ran out, quickly catching up to jisung who was halfway down the stairs already

“ji, please wait!”

“why?? you seemed perfectly fine up there with prince charming!”

he stopped where he was, turning around and watching as you ran down until you were just a step in front of him

“can you just- can you please just talk to me, ji.” you sighed, holding onto his wrists gently so he wouldn’t run away again, although you felt he wouldn’t try anyways. “what’s wrong?”

“me! i’m what’s wrong!”

“i don’t underst-”

“god, y/n, i’m in love with you!”

and you froze.

you were glad jisung was holding onto your arms bc you lost your grip on any rational thoughts

you felt his hand slowly leave yours, instead trailing up your arm, your shoulder, your neck, until he reached your face, thumb running over your rosy cheek as he brushed away the stray hairs

“i’m sorry you had to find out like this,” he started, voice so quiet but so loud in your mind. “but i’m not sorry i feel this way. i probably should,” he chuckled, “but i don’t.”

you vaguely remember his fingers weaving through your hair as he pulled you closer to him, his breathing light as he murmured a small, “may i?”

and you nodded.

you dont know who moved first or who closed the gap between you, but you remember him.

his lips brushing yours gently before he pressed against you with more passion

his other hand dropped your wrist, finding sanctuary on your waist as he drew you closer and you gravitated towards him so naturally, so easily, he smiled into the kiss

your hands found purchase on his chest, his heart’s rythmic beating playing like a melody in your palm and you grinned too

soon enough you broke away, faces mere centimeters apart, both of you blushing and beaming

“you’re so stunning, sunshine” he breathed, not breaking the tranquility of the moment

and you couldn’t help but look away shyly, his gaze too endearing and intimate for you to handle

when you look back up his eyes are focussed on the top of the staircase and you worry your parents or staff are there, fuming

but when you turn around your heart dropped because there, at the end of the staircase, is felix.

hhhhhhhhhhh do i even need to explain how sorry i am that this took literal months to post??? the ending was killing me bc i didnt know how to write it and then personal stuff came up but nOW it’s finally done!!!! im gonna get smth up for jeongin’s bday too (lets pray i can actually post it before february ends). hope u enjoyed reading this!!!!

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy. 

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

7)

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago. 

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because  duh! she is a Woman)  so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant! 

27)  If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

[wrenchyyyy]

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.  But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

[noiamnotwhoiwas]

Dear you... You have no idea who i am, yet you are the one i despise the most in this world. Ive met the love of your life when i was a kid, had just 5 years when i looked him in the eye and felt eletricity in my veins. My whole body froze and i instantly light up, knowing he was the one meant to be for me. Now i see its not that way, i was just a little girl who fell in love with the love of someone elses life but thinking it was her own's. What am i suppose to do now? Wish you the best? My desire is to do that but i can't, you are living the life i wanted to live, feeling the love i urged to feel for so many years, the love he promised to give me. You should probably hate me for having this kinds of fealings towards your love, but i bet he never told you about me, about how he was my first kiss, how he said he loved me when i was just a little girl. How we got married by our sisters in a leader's retreat, how he made me feel safe when he held my hands, or even the day he taught me to play piano, while we drank chocolate milk in our church rearsals. Well let me tell you then, you are the happiest girl alive just because you can fall asleep looking into his beautiful brown almost greenish eyes, the ones who i bet shine just for you. The reason im writing this is because i miss my lover, who is yours...and that kills me...it kills me that he never even metioned my name while he was the reason of my tears for so long. I tought i was over him until we talked a few days ago...when he told me i was the one he loved the most my heart fell to the ground, because even though he thinks of me, he is also thinking of you. It breaks my heart that one day i was the reason of his smile, the one who was holding his ring close to my heart, listening to the songs you listen with me...singing the songs you sing with him. But i bet...i just bet he didnt even mention my name, how people always assumed we would be together, and i actually believed that. We did the things you did,,,we kissed, we said "i love you" we planned our married life, we actually dated...he was my boyfriend at one time in history. By the way your story starts, you know how it ended ahah He broke my heart just like he always said he wouldnt, he promised he wouldnt treat me like all those guys before him did...but guess what. One day i called him like 3 times because he wasnt answering my texts that week, you know who picked up? A girl, she was screaming at me, telling me to leave her boyfriend alone...and of course i was confused! He was actually my boyfriend too! I got so many threats from her, i couldnt even look at him in his birthday party without having her texting me she would come up to my school and beat me up. Now please dont hate me still, i have no intentions of ruining your rleationship, i wish you the best and enjoy with him, because thats what i would do if i were you. I would post everywhere pictures of us, tell him i loved him every second of the day!! I only say this because i pitty myself rn Ahahah what a loser i am, always having a guy in my heart and he just breaks it whenever he wants. When he said those words to me a few days ago, i couldnt believe how stupid i was because i wanted him back I see now that i was and am in love with a feeling and not him actually I wanted us to become something because that was my childs dream, i wanted to meet a guy when i was little and get through a lot and marry But now i see i just love the idea i have of him and thats way im pissed at both of you..because you are living my childhood dream and him...because he played with my heart everytime he could. Now maybe this is the right time to tell you not to kill me ahahah, i dont actually love him, i couldnt even bring myself to feel that way towards him after all he put me through, but seeing him wanting me and rejecting me push me of the cliff i was on.  I even wrote a letter telling him i would never be his again, but he ner showed up ahahha funny i guess I really sounded in love but how could i be in love with someone just because they say "i love you" it doesnt even make sense! I feel sick to my stomach thinking that im mad at him when i was the one who wanted to reject him...messed up uh? I really conclude that i was jealous...because i hate you, you look a little like me and i bet he thinks that way too, probably reminds him of a girl with hope and dreams...But i still know we are far from being alike, i am someone who has strong feelings for you and you have no idea who i am Wish i was in your position, not knowing who i am, not knowing that he said he loved me, those were simpler times. I have no idea what im writing right npow, im just putting all my guts in this letter to you, someone who i never even met. Well...im always finding ladybugs, they come to me a lot of times. Did you know they are lucky? Poeple say they mean love is close to you, now i see thats npot about your boyfriend like i always wished it was It was for me...knowing him showed me a lot of things, i got to meet every side of love and pain, the most precious thing he taught me was that i could only trust myself for love, that no guy is ever enough so i have to be enough for me Well now i reallky think i should stop writing to you, i will probably never send you this ahahha you would hunt me down for sure. After heading straigh to the floor, i can say goodbye to this chapter of my life, i conclude my childhood dreams, i finally burry all my feelings. I did that a few years ago but they were alive. This sunday he killed them, he showed me what i was expecting but didnt want to believe, we would never be eachothers, so he killed the feelings, even though im mad, i am more than thankfull because i can bury him and all my unsolved feelings. Now...maybe i still hate you a little but because you make him smile the way i always did, i guess i feel like Olivia Rodrigo right now ahahhahaha I though he was my peter parker and i was his mary jane...but she dies in ove movie so i think thats enough for me to presume we were never meant to be ahahha I envy you so please cherish that, i dont envy many people so i would even be thankfull ahhahah i wish you two the best This was the best goodbye letter ive ever written because i wrote it with my whole heart

[im-a-fading-star]

i fucking hate this envy i hold against you. its really not your fault, you never did anything wrong. and i dont think you’ll ever do anything out of bad intentions because all you’ve ever wanted to do was share love and be loved. you’re getting what you want from the right person, and i wish i was that right person too. you’re surrounded by so many people who love you and i am too.

the difference is, people like you have no reason to adore me. people like you have no legitimate reason to want me. im thoroughly convinced i’ve fooled you for years and even gaslit you to stay my friend, and even my girlfriend. ive been nothing but selfish from the beginning, and i’ll be selfish until the end. im stuck inbetween wanting you to stay, and wanting you to split up with me because i just want you to have better in your life. i want that to make you happy, even if it makes me miserable, because i dont deserve you, or our other gf in our polyamory.

i feel like im just making excuses to mope around from day to day now. im told time and time again to mend these relationships, just to be happy for you and the others. that sticking together is worth it. we can grow up together. i can talk to everyone every single day, even just for a few minutes, right? or every other week? maybe every other month?

i can’t do that, though.

i’m not like you. i’m not like anyone you know at all. i’ve tried to be for so long, believe me. i’ve played so long into the neurotypical role, i’ve never had any real reason to be miserable unlike everyone else around me. everyone had actual problems, all ive ever wanted to do (and still do) is help in every way i can. i know youre the same way. at least, you and the others succeed with that.

you succeed in so many things, even if you dont think you do. you succeed in being a great friend, a great partner. a great artist, a great sister and daughter to your family, even if they dont respect you for it in the slightest. an excited learner, a willful experimenter, one of the most fun conversationalist with the brightest and creative ideas ive ever known. youre so indulgent in so much. how could anyone not want to be around you or be your friend?

when i look at you though, i cant see any of those things in me. i cant see a single reason why anyone would still even try to stick with me. everyone should know full well that i cant keep up a conversation for more than a day before shutting down completely because i get so fucking exhausted after breathing a single word, after dreading being a complete idiot. not seeing any way how i can improve, or put in the effort for anything like i used to. or to see a reason why anyone would be humored by my interests when i ramble about them. i never shut up back then, isnt it doing anyone a favor that im shutting up now? how is it still hurting everyone? i wish it wasnt. i wish it was never hurting you. i wish you didnt feel anything for me, or mail me anything, not because i dont want to spend time with you but because itd spare you of all the extra effort.

i really dont know if this can be maintained. you’re both trying so fucking hard to maintain it. maybe im not trying at all, maybe i am, but at the very least, i know i’ve been having so much trouble with trying to feel something for the group we’ve shared for years. and if i drop it, theres no potential left. no future left. and yet that doesnt scare me. yet i dont feel anything for that. i dont feel anything for a lot nowadays, but even just thinking about any of this right now makes me feel numb and depressed.

but lets face it, i dont think i’ll ever be as interesting of a person as you guys, no matter how much i try. in reality, im just empty space that you guys are trying to fill. and im sorry. i keep wondering if splitting up will just make anything better or worse, but im genuinely scared that i just cannot maintain relationships anymore. im scared of feeling only envy for you and not love like i used to, because im so fucking attached to one single person now who was influenced my life to change more than anyone else. you’re not unequal to her. youre not unequal to anyone, please god never take it that way after everything i just wrote.

its just how ive always felt. and i feel like being apart should be tearing apart that mindset but its just made me bitter and tired of everyone and makes me dread coming back even more. im just a fucking imposter and a faker, i always have been. ive never had anything interesting going on, all i do is just fucking wallow to myself and you dont deserve that, no one does. but what am i supposed to do? i have no fucking identity and i break apart whenever theres any sort of emotional turmoil now. i hide when people are upset now. not because ive been abused, because my mind just convinces me my shitty little brain is my only safe space in case something really awful happens. and if something really awful does happen im stuck in my own fucking head being selfish as i always am and youre hurt and its all my fault again and even though its my fault i just cant fucking CHANGE the fact its my fault because i dont take RESPONSIBILITY anymore AND YOU’D JUST BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME OKAY? YOU’D SUSTAIN SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR WELLBEING! you’d have less anxiety rather than fretting over my stupid fucking ass, even if the depression sinks in i hope you’d eventually get over me even though i wouldnt over you because youre so worthwhile of everyones time and youve been like a part of me for years, the BEST part of me, the person ive always wanted to be, the person ive always wanted to swap shoes with even if it meant i got your terrible family i’d ESPECIALLY take it in a heartbeat if it meant that! but god id give you everything id ever have just to see you improve because i never will! i’ll never be anything like you, i literally never will!!! i cant make friends, i cant keep friends, i cant be a good friend, nor a good girlfriend, or even a wife, i cant be ANYTHING good, i cant be anything like you and i HATE being envious over you, even the slightest bit jealous that you and everyone else can at least keep it together for someone else!!! I FUCKING CANT!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HOLD SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN I EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, if anything happens, i love you so much to death, and. i just... hope that your future will turn out as bright as it ever could be. i hope you get the career you want, and save up enough money to move out. i hope youre surrounded by so much more people who love you and convince you that youre worth all the time in the world and that your family writhes in their own dirt for treating you so terribly. i hope you realize your own strengths and your ability to shape the future. i hope youre as healthy as can be. i hope you’re still with her if i cant be there for either of you. i hope you eventually realize that maybe im not really good enough for you, and never was in the first place. im happy my ex at least got that benefit. i’ll be happy if you realize whats best for you, too.

[wormsongs]

some uhh personal thoughts related to marvel stuff... its uh... long

as much as i love the expansion of gamora and nebula’s relationship, how nice it is to see sister relationships explored in hollywood media. i think ill always relate more to mcu thor and lokis relationship. while gamora and nebula represent siblings in an openly abusive household pushed to the extreme and scifi, something i cant directly relate to, the boys represent more a relationship strained by expectations, envy, and ignorance; something i WAY more relate to

my half brother is 10 years older than me. when i was a kid i idolized him, as most kids do with their older siblings. he wasnt a perfect student, hell, he wasnt even a GOOD student he was pretty angry and rebellious during high school. but i was a kid i didnt care i loved him, like really loved him (before i knew what marriage was actually i thought it just meant spending forever with someone and i wanted to “marry” him so you can imagine how healthy this relationship was). he spent time with me sometimes, yeah, we played video games and stuff but i got in the way alot. then he graduated and left me. he moved out of state, to where his mom lived. and i grew up, moved on, didn’t see or even talk to him for probably 5 years. I was maybe 9 when he left. I was always told “you cant be as bad as drew was” or “you’ve got to be better than he was.” this was a brother i idolized for my whole life, and i was being told of his flaws without him there, being compared to him constantly by my parents (mostly my mom which is a whole other can of worms). and even though he wasn’t the perfect brother, you can imagine the kind of pressure that puts on a kid.

then his mom died of cancer and he moved back to austin. we hadn’t talked for 4 or 5 years, and last time we did i was a kid. the first memory i have of him where i wasnt a straight up kid was him taking me and my dad to watch Avengers in theaters. (wow what a coincidence that i just put together on the spot). but even then his life was a wreck and i was still a kid. we didnt talk. what had been idolization became distance and pressure on me.

i was the perfect kid, never snuck out, always got good grades, didnt do a weed or drink, never went to parties. I had to be, bc i “couldn’t be as bad as drew.” So i was sure not to be. But i had maybe 3 friends. this was early highschool, 2013 about and i still barely talked to my brother. I think the first time we hung out in probably months was seeing thor 2 (huh how bout that. I was in the Loki phase by then.) but I was still the perfect student and a good swimmer, if a bit weird and obsessed. i still had a chance to be “better than drew.”

then junior year of highschool rolled around. and thats when i started to fall apart. good ol Depression kicked in, wasnt too bad yet, but my grades started to slip. But all that mattered was “i wasn’t as bad as drew.” I couldn’t be so i didnt talk to anybody about it, let alone my parents. I couldn’t, i had to be better. so i swam and a went to school and i obsessed over marvel bc it was what i had. I shamed myself out of liking loki (NOT what i should have done turns out that only made things worse)

Senior year was the worst. figured out i wasnt straight. Depression was bad, cutting, suicidal thoughts, the whole 9 yards. It was rough, but i still went to school and i still swam, i still saw marvel movies, my life went on bc “i couldn’t be as bad as drew.” my cuts got found out and the counselor called me in. I lied, said it was my cat. a good excuse because i do have scars from my cat. i lied, and my parents believed me. still believe me to this day. still dont know that i used to cut. i lied, i kept lying every time someone asked me about the scratches on my leg. but my parents knew i “wasn’t as bad as drew.”

only difference was that i was talking to my brother again, barely, but talking. mostly through work out class that he taught. it was weird, he never knew how i felt, doesnt know still. but it was something. he was older and better than me now, his life was back on track, he just got a girlfriend, he had a job. I was a depressed, suicidal, cutting, queer highschooler who picked a college only passivly and let others do most of the decision making (which suited my mom fine), i didnt care, i was so tired. I was “worse than drew” even if no one ever knew it. I knew it.

things got better after highschool, i stopped cutting, got my first tattoo over my scars, i tried to pull myself out a depressive spiral, i prepared for college. I was “Stable”, i talked to my brother sometimes. turns out the college i basically let my mom pick for me was a good fit. life was hard but it had been harder. and away from my parents i didnt have to be “better than drew” even if the memory remains.

only problem was, i had never paid any attention to my jealousy and anger. i never addressed that i had any towards my brother. only now, years and years later, after a summer where i finally hung out with him almost twice a week, am i finally letting myself get mad at my brother. im letting him annoy me if we hang out too long. im letting myself feel jipped if he says were gonna do something and then backs out. im acknowledging his flaws and my own. i still struggle with the “worse than drew” mentality bc he is better than me now, and what i want to do is not a profiting business. but its better.

and well, tldr:

ive got an older half brother who i idolized. who my parents compared me to constantly. who, by some weird coincidence, has a deep connection w mjolnir in my head (via his tattoo of it) and a cool dark haired athletic girlfriend that could kick my ass (like what kinda fucking coincidence), that dropped out of my life pretty dramatically at a turning point. a brother that i was secretly, even to myself, envious of, envy that came from unhealthy idolization. a brother who thinks “you can tell me anything” even though i CANT because of the distance between us he hasnt quite fully acknowledged either. 

and me, the younger, not straight, sibling who was(is) depressed, who felt abandoned by a brother who didnt really mean to abandon me, who was held so high and tried so hard to keep that reputation that i didnt let myself grow healthily. who lied about my problems and still isnt really to term with how i feel about my brother. who feels worse than their sibling because they were always told to be better.

and reconciliation is everything i want but everything i dont think i can get because of my own inclination to lock things away and ignore them.

also ive called my brother thor so many goddamn times totally on accident and my brain needs to chill the fuck out like i get it i understand the connection pls dont expose me im not ready for that yet

and just like... mcu thor and lokis relationship is something i hold so dear and close bc its so familiar. i want them to do better bc i want to do better

[easnuppa]

When it is written in the stars. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Hobbit characters, they belong to their owners. The only ones i own is the one i created in this story. There might be strong scenes and language. Faenthor had been in and out of a coma for four days, now was the first day he felt strong enough to really focus on his suroundings, he looked to his right, he saw Elanoreth sleeping in a chair in the corner, he smiled, she looked so beautiful and peacefull, he turned his head to the left and he felt someone holding his hand, he was expecting to see his sister sitting by his bedside, but it was a elleth he didnt recognice, the elleth sitting by his bedside, holding his hand had forrest green eyes and long curly auburn colourd hair... she was pretty, but had a possessive glimps in her eyes.... she smiled gently to him and squeezed his hand "good evening my lord, i am so happy you are awake and focused" he pointed to a mug of water, it felt like he had been eating sand for a week. she pushed a glass of cold water to his lips and he gulped down the entire glass. he nodded greatfully. "who are you?" he asked, he was puzzeled by the fact that a elleth he had never seen before was showing him this much care and affection. "my lord, i am your personal healer, the king ordered me to take care of all your needs, so if you ever need anything i am at your service" she sat down at his bedside again, her hip pushing against his, he pulled himself further up on the bed hearing the unsetteling undertone in her voice. He glanzed over to Elanoreth, making sure she was still sleeping. The door flew up and the king walked in, the elleth jumped off the bed and disaperad out of the door by the wave from the kings hand. Thranduil pulled a chair over and sat down by his bed "Glad to see you alive and well, my friend". Faenthor looked at the king and nodded " Glad to see you are doing well too, your highness" he answered, though Faenthor didnt think the king looked well at all, he looked really worn and beaten, an unsetteling feeling crept into his heart, who had they lost that could cause this affect on the king, he was almost afraid to ask " are everyone alright? " Thranduil met his brown orbs "your parants and uncle is alright, Galadriel is well, your cousin Elladan was hurt but is up on his feet again now." Thranduil looked at the floor, Faenthor waited, he hadnt mentioned Faenith and Elrohir. Had something happened to his sister?, he swallowed hard. "my sister? is she alive or ?" he couldnt finish, the king reafused to look at him. Thranduil wasnt sure how he was going to tell Faenthor about his sister. He had been interigating the orcs and they all said the same. They had help getting into the palace, the two elfs giving them information was Faenith and Elrohir. If he hadnt been there, hearing it himself, he wouldnt have belived it. His heart was crushed. The king cleared his throat " Faenith is alive". Faenthor exhaled loudly, relieved that his sister was alive, but the look on the kings face was not promesing " she is alive, but?" The kings face was serious, sadnes was written in his light blue eyes. Faenthor embraced himself " your sister is accused of conspiring against the crown, when she is found she will be brought to trail for her betrayal. " Faenthor sat up in his bed, he couldnt belive what he heard. "you cant be serious? my sister, conspiring against you. the elf she loves? the one she is about to wed?" The king looked back at the floor, Faenthor could see that this conversation was just as hard for the king as it was for him. "she was plotting with your other cousin, Elrohir. They escaped under the attack, i have a company of my best trackers out looking for them." Faenthor knew that it wouldnt take long until they where found and brought back, no one knew these woods better then the woodland elfs. "what will happen to her? " The king sighed, "i know my consil will demand execution, i cant bare the thought of her dying, so i am going to make you a memeber of my consil and one of my advisors. I am hoping for banishment or life in prison" Faenthor looked at Elanoreth and then back at the king, he did not envy the kings position right now, eitherway they where damned to fade. "i wish you would have asked me under other sircomstanses, but to atleast try to save my sisters life i will accept your offer. But you know she could never do this. She loves you higher then life itself, and you love her as well. You both have told me. " The king got out of his chair, clearly done with the conversation, Faenthor needed to get better, and fast. He had to find out what was really going on. It was early morning, the sun was not up yet, Faenith felt like they had been walking around in the forrest for weeks, it felt like they where going around in circles, it was a foggy morning, and the forrest looked grim, with the fog so thick she couldnt see her own feet. The suroundings matched her emotions. She had asked Elrohir over and over to go back, she needed closure, she needed to burrie her loved ones, she needed to say good bye to then, she knew she would meet her true love on the other side, he was there waiting for her, she wanted to escape to him, join him, she was longing to be in his arms again. Everytime she closed her eyes she was back in his chamber, the night before everything happened, she was in his arms, feeling his warmth. It felt like ages ago. "Elrohir, i need to go back, i cant go on knowing their bodys is rotting out in the open, they need to be burried" Elrohir gave her a sour look, he had grew tired of her nagging "You know we cant go back, it is overrun by the orcs, they will slay us as soon as they see us. We need to get to Rivendell. When we are home we will send a company to burry them" That wasnt good enough for Faenith, she needed to do it herslf. When had Elrohir gotten so cold and distant to his family. There where something with him that didnt add up, that didnt make sence to her. She had a hard time beliving that everyone was dead, they didnt feel dead in her heart. She needed to get back somehow. Maybe she could wait until he had gone to sleep and sneak off without him noticing. Elrohir looked at her from his sidevision, she was quiet and looked like she was in deep thought, he knew he had to give her some time to grieve, but the patience was wearing thin on him. He had waited long enough for her, he was planing on waiting to declare his love for her until they got back home, but the nagging about going back, and her constant sobbing was getting on his nerves, he needed to open her eyes and see that there where more to her life then what they left behind, she needed to see him. He stoped and pushed her against the nearest tree. " You need to stop tormenting yourself like this, you need to get over him. If you think about it he was never truly yours." Faenith met his brown orbs, he had changed, she could see it in his eyes, the elf she always had considered to be her friend, almost as close as a brother, had now turned into someone she didnt recognise. "Elrohir please, dont say that. I understand you dont want to go back, but let me, i love him." He grabed her chin firmly between his thumb and pointer, he stared into her silvery eyes, the light was gone, he needed to awaken it, he leaned in and kissed her, she tried turning her head but he tighten the grip and pressed his lips against hers, he felt her hands pushing against his chest but he pressed himself harder against her, she was whimpering, why was she denying him what he wanted, he loved her, he had always loved her, he deserved this after waiting and being so patient with her. He tangled his hand into her hair and pulled her head back and claimed her now open mouth, he moaned into her mouth, this felt so good, finally she was about to become his. Suddenly a sharp pain flashed through him like lightning, he let go of her, grabed his groin and fell to his knees, he closed his eyes and tried to breath through gritted teeth, that little whore he thought , he was gonna show her that behaviour like that wasnt tolerated, she was gonna give him what he wanted. Faenith had acted out of reflexes, she had kneed him hard, she watched him for a second where he was kneeling in pain, but she turned around, she couldnt wait until he fell asleep to get away, she had to run now. And fast, before he got his streangth back. She almost ran blindly through the forrest, she cursed the fog for being so thick, she heard him shouting, cursing. She felt branches whiping her in the face, ripping her clothes, it was almost like they had claws and was trying to catch her, she forced her self to run faster, she couldnt slow down, he was probably back on his feet and chasing her. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Pure terror ran threw her veins. All she could think about was to get back, back to him. Thranduil sat in his study staring into the fireplace, the only thing left in the room was his desk, a big table full of maps, and a chair infront of the fire, the rest was destroid from his inner rage. He had a mug of wine dangeling from his long fingers, not caring to use a glass, he just gulped down the strong wine straight from the mug. Almost a week had passed, most of the guests had gone home after the attack, he did not care, he had not bothered to see them on their way, to hell with courtesy. His people was already been marked as savages a long time ago. All he wanted to do was dull the aching in his heart with wine, and numb his mind. He leaned his head back on the chair a knock interupted his thoughts "Go away" he shouted, but the door swung open and the last person in the world he wanted to see marched in. "Are you just gonna sit here and drown yourself in your precious wine, while my daughter is out there alone and lost, an easy target for the orcs and goblings, and eru knows what lingering in your forrest?" Barathon shouted, Thranduil shut his eyes and tried to ignore the angry lord standing infront of him shouting his head off. "Dont you dare ignore me you faithless savage!" Thranduil just had another gulp of wine " What would you have me do, i already sent out my best trackers to find your daughter and your nephew" Barathon just looked at the king in disbelif, how could this elf claim to love his daughter and sit here and be so calm and careless. He was just like his father. " You could be out looking for her!" Thranduil waved him off "Leave me alone, you will get the word when my trackers brings her back" The kings arrogant behaviour made Barathon lose it, he grabed the kings robe and lifted the tall elf up from the chair. "You are not now or have ever been worthy of my daughter!" Thranduil stumbled up on his feet, Barathon let go of his grip on the kings robe and Thranduil stumbled back, gripping his desk to regain his balance "You, Thranduil Orperion, are a disgrace to the throne. You are nothing more then a drunken ellon who is stumbeling his way through life, with no purpose, i dont get what my daughter saw in you." Thranduil squinted his eyes to focus on the lord. "You call me faithless, what about your daughter?. Who so coldly seduced me while plotting with her cousin to have me killed?" Barathon scofed, "My daughter have done no such thing!, you are just like your father, pointing your fingers at others when your ignorance gets visable, hiding behind the power of the crown. If you truly knew my daughter you would never belive the filthy lies of an orc!" Thranduil clenshed his jaw shut, he was breathing heavy, the words angered him. "Maybe she did not plot with Elrohir to have me killed, but she ran off with him, she left me for him!" Barathon gave out a bark of a laughter "maybe she realized you wherent good enough for her. You two have been fooling around for two months and far as i know no results, nothing to show for it, while my son on the other hand, took him only one month to secure lady Elanoreth position." He walked over to the now furious king and pushed his pointer into Thranduils chest " Are you really sure your son is really yours? " He knew the king was fuming inside, but he wanted the king to release some of the anger and not bottle it up. Faenthor had been complaining about how the king locked himself up and ripped him self into pieces with his own thoughts. He wanted to provoke some kind of emotion out of the king. Thranduil threw himself at the lord, his fist met its target with great force, alittle surprised he had acted out in anger like that he looked down at his hands and back at the lord "do not drag my son into this, or the dead queen!" Barathon rubbed his jaw, alittle set back that the king had punched him, he was surly not expecting the cold collected king to lose it like that. " I see you are not so collected like you try to make everyone think you are. Maybe my daughter have had an effect on you" Thranduil knew Barathon was right, Faenith have had a hugh impact on him. He did not care to go on if he couldnt have her, he just needed to make sure his counsil ruled for banishment instead of execution before he let him self fade into nothing. "Leave my study, there is no point in this bickering. We will never be on good therms." Barathon could actually agree with the king on that. Barathon marched out of the room and passed a guard who bowed before he hurried into the kings study, shutting the door close behind him "my lord, the company is back, they have her. " Thranduil snaped his head up and looked at the guard, this was the words he had been waiting for a whole week, now his questions would be answered. Exhaustion threatened Faenith to give up, she had crossed a shallow creek and the cold water was now soaking her clothes, making them heavy, the coldness making her legs stiff, her skin was sore and she had felt a prickeling feeling and touched her cheek, her fingertips had been covered with blood. She had heard that Elrohir was behind her a couple of times, it was almost like he was playing cat and mouse with her, she pushed herself further, her lungs was burning and she was gasping to get enough air down to conntinue. She stumbled on a dead branch and fell flat on her stomach, she picked herself up, her feet was about to give under her, when someone grabed her from behind , she kicked and screamed and clawed her fingernails at the hands holding her around her waist. "Calm down my lady, we are here to bring you back! " Her head clouded by fear, she continue fighting the elf holding her, until another came in front of her and grabed her hands and made her look at him " The king demands for you to be brought back to the palace! Dont make this harder for yourself!" Faenith shook her head and her orbes scanned her surroundings, five guards, dressed up in the Mirkwood Palace colours looked at her with watchfull eyes." wait what? the king?, the king is dead." She was confused, the guard infront of her tied her hands together, this made her even more confused, why would they bind her hands, she was not a threat, not now when she knew who they where. " Why are you tying me up?" The guard just looked at her with a ghost of a grin on his lips "not risking you escaping" he said matter of factly. Escaping? she wherent going to escape, she was running back to the palace, she tried to tell the guard that, but for some reason they didnt seem to belive her. They placed her infront of a guard on a horse and they where riding in silence back, she leaned back on the guard behind her and closed her eyes. The whole thing was probably a missunderstanding that would be cleared up as soon as she came back, maybe Legolas had survived and was now the new king. They had reached the palace, it was quiet and alittlebit eary, she felt a great sadness lingering in the walls. She expected to be shown into the throne room or atleast the kings study, but she was thrown into the damp dungeon, she clenched her hands around the thick bars, not understanding what was going on. "Why am i being treated like a prisoner, i need to speak with the king, there have been a missunderstanding! I demand to speak with the king!" The guards looked at her with an arrogance she had never seen on them before. The captain of the guards came up to her. " You are being treated as the trator you are, you will be held here until your trail comes up!" shock and fear was written all over her face, she sunk to the floor, tears where streaming down her face. How had this happened, what crime had she comitted? Faenthor was sitting in his parants chamber, trying to comfort his mother, but he knew nothing would work until Faenith was returned to them, a guard came in and announced that his sister was now being placed in the dungen, he got up and his mother let out a loud gasp, followed by her crying out Faeniths name. He walked over to the guard "I demand to talk with her!" the guard nodded, it had been announced that he was now one of the kings advicors, this gave him alot more authoraty and respect among the staff of the palace. He followed the guard, as he entered the dungeon he walked over to his sisters cell, she was sitting on the floor clenching her hands around the barrs so tight that her knuckles was white. "Leave us" he demanded before he hunched down infront of her, her clothes was dirty and thorn, her hair was full of tangles, grit and leafs, she lifted her face and looked at him, and her skin was scraped and her cheeks was grimed by tears and dirt. He had never seen his sister like this. " They say i am to stand trail for treason" her voice was merly a whisper, Faenthor just nodded, his face serious but worried. "what happened to you?" Faenith sighed and closed her eyes. "I had just gotten Elanoreth and was talking to my mother, telling her to come with me and lady Elanoreth, that Thranduil had ordered his best guards to keep us safe, thats when i saw Elrohir, he said he couldnt find Elladan and that he needed my help to find him, i was conflicted as to what i was going to do, but when i was to follow my mother and the guards they where gone, i could not find them. It was chaos. I desided to help Elrohir, and maybe find Thranduil after and help him take out the orcs, Elrohir draged me out into the garden.." she paused " after that everything whent black, and i cant remember anything els until later, it was dark and i woke up in the woods. With Elrohir. I begged him to go back, to try to find others, but he said everyone was dead! I was heart broken. " she stoped and looked at her brother. New tears welled up in her eyes. " Is he dead? Oh please eru, tell me he is not?" Faenthor shook his head, taken back alittle by her story, but he belived her, he knew his sister would never comit any form of treason. He knew who she was speaking of, he gave her a quick smile. " He is very much alive, allthough not well, he thinks you whent freely with Elrohir, that you and Elrohir are one. He thinks you only seduced him to get information about how the palace was being secured. " Faenith gasped, she pushed her fingertips to her sore lips, Faenthor placed his hand over her other hand and squeezed it to give her streangth " how could he belive i am capable to cross him like that?. I love him more then life itself. " Faenthor nodded, he knew his sisters feelings for the king was real. "The orcs told him. We captured some and they where held alive long enough to tell the king that you and Elrohir had been plotting and trading the information you knew for safe passage through the woods. The king whent mad and killed them all " Faenith whimpered, so that was what Elrohir had been doing. The pieces of the puzzle started to come together. She looked up and met her brothers brown orbs " He was the one plotting against the crown of Mirkwood. He wanted to rule over Rivendell and aperantly me by his side, he tried something in the woods, i managed to escape. I ran the entire day and that is when Thranduils guards found me and brought me back" Faenthor cracked a smile. He knew his sister was a fighter, and that she was as innocent as he belived her to be. He needed to speak to the king, convince him that it was all a missunderstanding. The word that Faenith was now imprissoned reach Thranduils ears, he pulled his robe on and walked down the stairs to the dungeon, he stoped in the stares and looked as Faenthor was sitting infront of the cell barrs whispering with his sister, it was too dark for him to see Faenith face, but he saw her tangled hair and her clenched fist around the barrs. He took a deep breath to get the streangth to see her in this state, his whole body was aching to free her and hold her in his arms. He tightend his grip around the key, he had in his right hand. He walked down the last sets of stairs, Faenthor had clearly heard him, he whispered something to his sister before they both got up and he walked up to him. "She is innocent. It was all Elrohirs doing, ask her, she will tell you, she just told me everything." Thranduil nodded. "We will talk when im done here. " Faenthor left the dungeon, they where alone and he was suddenly unsure on how he was going to aproach her. He walked up to her cell, her silvery orbs met his light blue, his heart droped into his stomach when he saw how she looked. She just stood there watching him, he unlocked the barrs and walked in, before he knew it she had thrown herself into his arms, her arms was locked behind his neck and she nussled her face in the crock of his neck, she pressed her whole body into his, unsure how to react to her embrace he just stood there, his heart was telling him to pull her closer and never let her go, his mind was repeating the orcs words over and over. She pulled back and looked up at him, her eyes sparkeling from the tears in them, he swallowd hard. "Thank eru you are alive!" she whispered between sniffles. Lost for words he just stood there and continuing to stare at her. "He told me you where dead, that you where all dead. I begged him to go back, i needed to see for my self, i couldnt belive him" Thranduil took one step towards her "Did you plot with him to have me killed so that you could get out of our union and be with him? " His voice was cold and hard. She took one step closer to him, now they where only inches apart "No i would never! You are my everything. I did not even know about his plans." She placed her hand over his heart, like he had done the night before the orc attack "I have always and only been yours. " He could not hold back anylonger, he wraped his arms around her and claimed her lips, he knew this was probably going to be the last time he could ever taste her lips again, he took a deep breath and took in her sent before he let go of her and took a step back. " The counsil are putting you on trail for treason. " she nodded, her face fearstruck " what will happen to me?" Thranduil, brushed his thumb over her cheek to whipe away a tear " the best outcome would be banishment, the worst execution, unless we can prove your innocense." She pressed her shaking fingertips to her swollen lips "to prove my innocent you need to find Elrohir and interrigate him." Thranduil nodded in agreement, her next words took him by surprise " do you belive that i am innocent? " He pulled her back into his arms in a tight embrace, he kissed the top of her head. " i do". That was all she needed to hear. She closed her eyes and enjoyed feeling his arms around her. He stayed with her for while, she told him what had happend to her, and it made more sence to him then what the orcs had said, he cursed his jealous side that made him belive she could betray him. She had fallen asleep in his arms, he had placed her down on her cot and left the cell, he needed to talk to Faenthor and come up with a plan to prove her innocense once and for all. Faenthor tapped his fingers on the wodden surface on the table infront of him, the rest of the consil had just left the room, some in anger, some in confusion. Thranduil sat down next to him as he shoved a glass of wine infront of him "They are really out for blood" Faenthor said as he lifted the glass and took a sip, he had gotten accustomed to the strong wine after befriended the king. Thranduil grunted "Their life was in danger, they want to eleminate the threat, they dont know her. " Faenthor nodded, he knew the words Thranduil spoke was true. "you know it might help if you told everyone that you have bonded with her and that you where to wed her. That will make them see her in a different light. They would see that she was not driven by greed." Thranduil just looked at him, he had thought about it, he was almost tempted to blurt it out to the counsil, but she needed Galadriels help to make the consil members understand that he had all rights to remarry. "I will ask Galadriel to come talk with them to morrow morning." Faenthor sighed in relife "so you truly belive in my sisters innocense?", Thranduil nodded. She told me everything after you left, the look in her eyes made me belive her, though i have a strong urge to tear every lim from Elrohirs body for what he put her through." Faenthor gulped down the rest of his wine and agreed with the king. They where interupted by Elanoreth peeking her head in the door "may i enter, your highness, i have a request?" Thranduil nodded and they both stood up as Elanoreth walked in and sat down across the table. She smiled a loving smile to Faenthor before she met the kings blue orbs. "I have just visited Faenith, and i was wondering if it was possible to maybe request a bath and new cloths for her, her clothes is thorn, and her skin scraped, it will be very degrading for her to stand trail to morrow in such a condition?" Elanoreth had already promised Faenith a bath even if the king refused her request. Both Faenthor and Thranduil just stared at her, they both looked alittle embarraced that they had not thought of such a thing themselfs, since they where the first who talked with her, and they both have seen the sorry state she was in. Thranduil cleared his throat and grabed his keys in the pocket of his robe, he shoved it across the table towards Elanoreth. "Offcourse, but use my private bath, there no one will see her, it will be less speculation and talk that way. You can tell her to rest in my private chambers for the night, i will take her to the dungeon before sunrise myself." Elanoreth gave Thranduil a knowing smile and bowed as she left the room. Faenthor nudged Thranduil to get him out of his thoughts, he could see where this where going. "Do you really think it is wise, your majesty, that you spend the night with her, right before her trail, what if we cant find Elrohir and prove her innocense and she is to be executed or if they do find him, and they still vote for banishment and she ends up carrying your child? It is hard being forced to mend for yourself and even harder when you have a child to take care of. " Thranduil refilled their glasses, and looked at Faenthor with a ghost of smile on his lips "It will secure her place if she was in a delicate situation, they can not vote for execution knowing she is carrying royalty, and they can not banish her becouse of the same reason, atleast not until the elfling is born, that will give us enough time to prove her innocense and for me to wed her. " Faenthor cracked a smile, he really liked the kings thinking. He clinked his glass against the kings glass and they both emptyed their glasses.

[i-am-always-lost]

Day 23 | Ishikawa-San

I wanted to blog about this as well as my Your Name encounter because I felt the strong need to get this story out to the small amount of people who read my blog. Maybe you will read this post today and tell your friends and family around you about his story. After all, that is what Ishikawa san wants.

Today in media class, our lecturer brought in a guest speaker- a man who was wrongly accused/ convicted of murdering and raping a high school girl 54 years ago who also escaped death sentence and is awaiting retrial. It was the discrimination against the burakku-min that contributed to this outcome.

Transcript and summary of what I heard today in class:

Ishikawa san self admitted that he was a socially ignorant man who locked up for 23 years due to the lack of knowledge in the situation he was in - surrendering to a case that he did not commit on his innocent brother’s behalf as his brother was the breadwinner of the family. His brother was wrongly accused for a crime he did not commit. Ishikawa san was sentenced to death but escaped death.

Ishikawa san’s background:

He was brought up in a poor family. Had 10 brothers and sisters, none of them had higher education, and he envies at our privilege looking at us university students. As a result, they never had enough food for the family, and he grew up eating chicken feet. When he was in fifth grade, Ishikawa san sent to work in some business and was provided accommodation, he worked there till he was 18. At 18, he returned illiterate due to the lack of opportunity for education. After that, he went to employment agency and got a job, worked for four years. Got a girlfriend after that, and frequently worked overtime. His boss saw him as honest and earnest, and he was appointed leader of the shop eventually. Things seem to be going well at this point.

However, when you are in an responsible position, reports and paperwork are often required. Due to this illiteracy, his friend had to always help him. After some time, that was revealed and he was fired. After that, got a construction job where he didn't have to read or write. 6 months later, he was made into a rapist and murderer of the high school girl.

Prison days:

In prison, he met this ward officer who had a strong sense of justice and he learned how to read and write there for 8 years. He learned from the officers in the afternoon once he finds out that he does not get death penalty in the morning. Death penalties run from 9-12AM daily and if you didnt get to the chopping board, you get to survive the day. He lived like this for decades. Ishikawa san got his word out by writing letters to his supporters all over the nation to pass information on to the media. The media was more accepting towards him when they found evidence to prove Ishikawa san innocent and started changing their perspective away from the discrimination of burrakumin people as well. 

Post prison days:

5 years ago went to UN Geneva and appealed the law of police restraining people for many days without being able to see their lawyers (when it should only be hours). The people in UN were surprised to find out that  in Japan even if a suspect is not proven guilty, they would have to be locked up for 32 years (for Ishikawa san’s case), everyone at UN was surprised. He appealed them to talk to jap gov, and they did directly negotiate with Japanese government.

Thanks to science, tech and medicine, innocence proven by evidence. By the end of this year, he is expecting retrial is going to be granted. After his guilt is proven innocent, he would like to go to a night school and get education. He would also like to spend rest of his life studying and working to eliminate discrimination. If he live 32 years from now, he will be over 100, so he wants to be healthy in order to live past a 100. He is 78 years old now, and the way he sees it is if he lives past a 100, the amount of time that he was discriminated against would eliminate discrimination faced by his children and grandchildren.

Because of the injustive of Japanese law that made an innocent man locked up, there were angry voices reasoning with him and helping him fight the system. Would like to pay back the people that help, and he would want us(uni students who were his audience) to fight discrimination.

Sachiko ishikawa san (wife) gave a speech as well, following Ishikawa san’s speech.

She was honored that we were interested in her husband’s story and she would like us to  take back the story to our respective countries and tell at least one person and spread the word . Her husband was sentenced to death only by six months trial. It has been 54 years since the case. Of the 54 years, locked up for 32 years and wrongly accused. 

Surrounding this case, she highlighted two points:

discrimination against burakku community and

injustice 

Discrimination against the Burraku community

Burakku discrimination is like the Indian class system. Class doesn't exist anymore in their society, but still has influence over job hunting and marriage based on family background. When this case was investigated, they believed criminal was from the burakku community cos that's what the media reported. Mainstream media believed that criminals were all born in burakku. However, this was 54 years ago. But now, people in the Burraku community are standing up and raising voices, to try to eradicate and work against discrimination in Burraku. They would have to continue this activism as there is still hate speech against minority community.

Her story:

Sachiko san was also born in burakku community (western Japan). Since young, her parents and people around her told her that she should hide the fact she was born in burakku. There wasnt much of a difference on the surface having the same skin color and all, so even if she hid her identity no one will know. Since she was hiding, she was able to get jobs - but she still faced discrimination while finding marriage.

She didn't have any means to protest against , and that's where she learned about ichikawa san's case. Learned that he was learning how to read and write through prisons, but his messages still got out of the prison and spread throughout Japan His message at that time was you can't possibly run away from discrimination forever, you have to stand up and face it one day. Because of his words, she learnt that she should not hide her true identity anymore and found a new way of living. That's when she joined the movement against the buraaku discrimination and the fight against the injustice faced by Ishikawa san.

There are still lots of kids in burakku community, so they will go visit them and tell them to get education as he did not want them to be in his position if anything similar happened to them. Another strong feeling he had was never to repeat admitting to wrong accusations. 

It's very difficult to the wrongly accused to appeal to the justice system in Japan, even after 54 years they are still hiding evidence. Ichikawa san wants to tell justice ministry to have a fair trial and give away all the single evidences. They still go to Tokyo high court and have protest once in a while by demanding the prosecutor to give away evidence and have fair trial. They plan to do the same at January 26 and feb 2nd Sachiko san ended her speech by thanking us for having them there and she said that 

No one should be locked up without any reason in any country

Q & A

Did you lose hope?

I never gave up hope, as soon as he learned he was wrongly accused and was determined to stand up and tell his story

Faith in the criminal justice system?

Judges in court houses only listen to prosecutors. Feel that judges don't listen to people's voices too often

Parents’ occupations?

Father hired by some other farmers, weed the farms

How did you adjust in society after being in the prison for 34 years?

Really surprised! When he went in, only pebbled roads, after he coming out surprised to see the development

Why are police still withholding evidence?

Yes, think it's true they have to save face cos it will be proven that he is not guilty

Did he ever get to meet the murdered girls family

Condition for his probation not to meet family of the deceased

Did any media get his story when he was locked up?

Earlier on, media were only writing negative things about him and burakku (first 10 years) Now they are writing positive things Saitama newspaper and Tokyo shimbun were amongst the first to report

During his prison days, were there any similar cases?

Yes, 4 people who were locked up life imprisonment, they were eventually let go though

How was the process of learning to read and write in prison conducted?

Yes, it was strict but at that time he didn't know. Was awaiting death sentence in mornings (9-12) - when they didn't come to get him, teach him how to write the person who taught him how to write and read saved his life If he was caught he would be fired

Why did he had to admit his crime?

have to say bc police made him say it "It must be your older brother," but his brother was bread winner, so he admitted

How do they look at him in the society?

Most people already knew he was innocent, so even he went back to his village, people were supportive

Any other evidence aside from the confession?

Most surprising thing: fountain pen was supposed to belong to the victim but it ended up in his house With the science these days, proved that the fountain pen did not belong to the victim, only found out last year!

Any evidence AGAINST him?

wrist watch that was handed to him BY the police

How they pay for legal proceedings?

Retrial- legal team of 30 lawyers mostly working as volunteers, national network of burakku community

Do you think the girl's family knows the story?

he doesn't know

What's his secret at looking good at 78?

10 years after he came out, running a few kms/minute 20,000 steps every day now!!

Pensions from the government?

no

How did the husband and wife meet?

Year after he came out, they met at a rally, started talking and hit it off

Has his brother told him not to take the blame

brother said he shouldn't do that, but they weren't able to meet for a long time, only after he visit him and had death sentence only his brother was allowed to visit.

Only interacted with other immates when he go out to field to do physical exercise.

END

After the class, I took photos with his wife and asked details for the court hearings that were going to be held a few days after this. Unfortunately I didnt go -- and I felt really sorry for not going. But here I am writing this to my limited audience, hoping that this can be spread to the people reading this. After all, it is a social responsibility.

[thisisstillme]

Less Drinking More Thinking

Its been a busy couple of weeks, mostly celebrating my birthday, in my usual manner, drinking gallons of wine. There were brunches, lunches, dinners, drinks and an overnight stay in a safari park, it was all very enjoyable (what I can remember anyway) but I've been becoming increasingly aware of something. I drink far too much. I know for some of you who know me are probably thinking "no shit Sherlock" I am stating the obvious, but I have finally had to admit to myself that I do have an issue with alcohol and more importantly, I want to do something about it.

I was out with a friend a couple of weeks ago and he had taken another friend to an alcoholics anonymous meeting as he was concerned about him. He told me it was a real eye opener and nothing like it's portrayed on TV. People were living normal lives, weren't necessarily having a glass of vodka with their cornflakes, yet they do have an issue with alcohol. It actually put my friend off of drinking and he was only going for support. Since then I am continually seeing articles about drinking, alcoholism, drink problems etc and I really feel like someone is sending me a sign. I am seeing this stuff daily for gods sake!

I have convinced myself previously that people with alcohol issues are incoherent, aggressive, loud and smell of wee, this can't be me! People are always saying that when they've seen me out they didn't even realise I was drunk, I mean I don't even get hangovers?! No ones ever told me I smell of wee? But the reality of that, whilst it may seem like a good thing, is that its more likely to be that I have built up a tolerance to alcohol over years and that is not good. I have however suffered from regular blackouts, sometimes after only a small amount of alcohol, suffered from the shakes after a few days of consistent drinking, Stomach upsets, disturbed sleep and night sweats, which I recently learned, is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. I am honestly quite ashamed, how did I get here?

10 years ago, I barely drank, I would go out and have a drink, but I would never drink at home, I could go out to dinner without having a glass of wine, it never crossed my mind. I drank like a normal person, I could take it or leave it. I think the turning point was when I was going through a break up, a big one, a complete life changing break up (ultimately for the better) but at the time I felt extremely alone, you would never have thought it and I would never have admitted it as it was my decision and showing any sign of weakness would have looked like I had made the wrong decision (in my mind) and I knew I hadn't. I just didn't want to feel anything, I wanted to just be able to breathe and to not talk about it, not be judged, I wanted to move forward with my life. I remember being in the house that my ex and I had shared and just wanting to not think about anything, all there was in the house was red wine and I didnt like red wine, but I drank it anyway, I drank the whole bottle, I'd achieved my goal, I was most certainly numb and chilled, it felt good. That became my coping mechanism and still is today (I also love red wine now!!)

It wasnt particularly easy for me to admit, to myself, let alone anyone else, but the truth has finally hit home. I have just had pretty much two weeks solid of drinking, I'd find myself reaching for the gin because I'd had a stressful day at work, going for a wine at lunch because I was pissed off with my husband or popping the prosecco to celebrate my best friends, cousins, sisters, fathers, hamsters beards new job. Whilst I accept that I probably wont give up drinking alcohol altogether, I don't particularly want to, I do need to cut back - A LOT. I want to be in control of my drinking and my emotions, not the other way around.

When I drink, I am constantly tired, feeling snappy, my moods are low and I have zero energy, I don't want to do anything. I either eat crap, yet keep complaining that I can't lose weight! I am my own worst enemy. I drink even when I don't even want to, even when everyone else is having a diet coke, I'll still have a wine, because I am in a pub and that's what I do, its become a very bad habit and I need to take action to break it.

I went on the trusty t'internet and found a great website called ClubSoda which is all about mindful drinking. They have different Facebook groups, which I've listed below, one those who want to cut back, those who are sober there is also an LGBT one, there is something for everyone, the website was really helpful and informative, it's non judgemental and although I hadn't interacted or joined any of the groups I felt a certain sort of comfort that I wasn't alone, I mean that causes the majority of anxiety right? Feeling like you're the only one. There is such a relief in the realisation that someone else understands what we're going through.

I found myself envying these people who can go out and have a good time without necking the wine, this says so much about me and how I feel about myself. There are some situations where I absolutely would not consider going without a drink, the alcohol is my confidence. When I thought about it, I have addressed my anxiety issues and am on medication for the depression, how about I try to actually be myself and not this facade that the drink makes me become? Surely I don't need to drink to have a good time? Surely I'm more than my drunken alter ego? I really hope so.

I also downloaded the drinkaware app (you know I love an app) You can set weekly goals of how much/often/when you drink. I have set my first week up allowing myself alcohol on Thursday, as I have a birthday lunch and a night out and Friday, I don't actually have any plans on Friday but I didn't want to run before I could walk. I've also set myself a limit of units that I can have this week. I wasnt aware that women should only be drinking 14 units per week?! My husband jokingly said "that's a days worth for you!" When I calculated, roughly, what I had last week it was 72 units! And for what? 95% of that was "just because it was there" So my plan is to stick to the 14 units this week, if I happen to drink all of that on Thursday then I will try to refrain from drinking on Friday.

The App is a bit like a myfitnesspal for booze. You type in what units you have and it tells you the following:

Units

Calories

Equivalent minutes running

Equivalent burgers

Money spent

I can't tell you how much better I feel for finally addressing this with myself as I have been in denial for some time.

I have the incentive of my holiday in just over one month. I now just need to find something different to do when I would usually reach for a drink, such as write, so you may be seeing a few more blogs from me in future, I might even get around to writing that book!

[one-shoop]

Watching "clean with me" videos gives me so much anxiety. I know I have too much stuff but it just feels so bad to throw it away. I used to wish I hadnt ever seen a toy/plushie/clothing instead of like, being stuck. And now I just -- I'm torn between feeling overwhelmed and being desperate at keeping stuff that matters to me. I don't know what to do.

This one vlogger talked about how getting rod of stuff wasn't always abou the stuff -- it was about you being able to feel peaceful in your environment. Like, if you can't enter a room without feeling anxious, that's a no-no. Some of the stuff I have give me anxiety like that, or I just dont feel happy about having it. For various reasons, I keep it. But...

Like, there's childhood favorites I can't give. Stuff I promised to look after and it's a promise I can't go back on. Stuff that my sister has a similar item of, and I'd feel bad discarding one of a pair. Stuff I feel used to be a big part of my life and I want a way to keep that memory. There's stuff I sort of don't mind much and would rather give -- but. I dunno. Like, some things I don't like but I'm afraid of giving things up. I dunno, man.

There's some stuff I like -- cute plushies, clothes that I love. Some others, I mean, they just don't make me happy, you know? I hate when there's too many things on my bed, it makes me anxious to go to sleep. Like, most of the plushies I keep there are my all-time keep -- precious keepsakes of stuff I cant throw away. But I just. UGH. There's stuff I cant throw away because it's the last remaining relics of Club Penguin -- rest in peace -- and others that just sort of matter? I dont know but I feel so anxious. I wish I could just do what I want and get rid of some stuff. Like, I have two criterias for plushies:

-plushies I like (cute, fluffy, soft)

-keepsakes (old or memory-related)

-ones I keep out of a promise (gifts, important events)

-those ones that my sister has another one or, and i keep it so hers wont be alone, because yes, I'm sad like that, it would make me sad to imagine it screw you

And like -- ARE THERE ONES I COULD GIVE AWAY THAT DONT FIT INTO THOSE CATEGORIES??? THOSE I DONT CARE ABOUT?? Some old ones just make me feel sick to my stomach like those old sea creatures. But like -- there's ones I cant give away, like -- the one thing my dad and I have in common, marionettes, those ones we used for a movie we made.

Like, are there some I could just take a picture of? I don't know, man. I dont like going downstairs because it makes me want ro cry and scream and just pull off my hair. I'm so angey and frustrated and I keep wanting a fresh start. Like -- I've always done that, you know? Every time I buy new plushies, it's for a fresh start. I just wish I had a way to remove all thise useless fresh starts, those ones that didn't make me feel good, and keep the good ones. Like, I envy those who dont have that kind of stupid attachment. Like, go attachment. Its just -- everytime I bought a new plushies, it was supposed to be a fresh start. "That one" I would love, "that one" would be my favorite. I know irs unhealthy and I hate buying them because it makes me feel so much dread like, I keep having more and it keeps feeling like doomsday is coming whenever I see my dad going "ugh why" and I freak out and I dont ecen know what to do.

Plushies used to be this nice thing and now they just make me want to tear my throat out. Dear fucking god I hate everything

I just -- I wish i had a plushie I liked and tjene ceyrtjing would be so kuch easier but I WISH ID NEVER LAID EYES ON ANY OF THESE PLUSHIES IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOME OF THEM I WAD GIVEN BHT I DONT WANT THEM AND I DONT KNOW EHAT TO DO. BUT NOW I FEEL COMPELLED. AND I WANT TO JUSR FUCKING CRY FOREVER. IM SFARED. AND UPSET. I DONR WANR RO CHOOSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. HOW TO GET RID OF THEM.

I used to get so scared bit now I'm psychong myself because everyone saus i need to get rid of them and I just fucling can't deal woth it. Am i betraying myself? I promised i wouldnt let this happen. I promise I wouldn't be my own enemy. I promise i wouldnt do this ti myself just to make everyone happy. And now IM DOING IT.

At least I'm fine throwing clothes away. Clothes suck.

Or, like, sometimes. I still want to fucking die everytime I throw clothes away. Jesus I need fucling help. I have no psychological safety thing for like, some safety rjing to go back to. I feel so fucling afraid and stuff like that was supposed to be the one thing I wasnt afraid of and I could get them and jt would be fine but now that's just a big lie??? It wasn't supposed to make me feel happier??? It wss just supposed to keep me contented until whatever person decides its time to work??? Is that it????

What am I supposed to do, man??? What am I supposed to do????? What am I supposed to think??? I'm supposed to figure tjis out but O jusr fucling cant and its supposed to help me to have plushies but it's not and I cajr see straight. I jusr wish plushies were safe again. I wish i could cry my heart out about leaving them like before. I widh I could be angry and upset and betrayed and feel like I'm being torn apart and scream and rage about how people are hurting me and how they can't understand how terrible it feels, and how they'll never understand why I feel so betrayed and so alone and so dismayed becauee my whole world and my whole safety is falling apart and I cant egen enjoy a simple piece of fabric stuffed with cotton without feeljng like I'm going to get killed at any moment because it costs money and it's not necessary and I'm going to get killed by cotton in my face. And it's not necessary and I'm getting attached for nothing and it's not necessary, just let it go, you'll feel better afterwards, just try it, you have to make changes, you have to make your life better, dont you want balance? Just try it!!!!

Like you want me to have balance???????????? Is that what you want?? Why are you just screaming at me and telling me tl dl stuff I dont want to do, THIS is just -- it's important to me, it's stuff that just gets me up and going, it's whats brightening up my life, it's like, the only source of peace i have. And you want to tell me it wasn't worth anything? That it didn't have a place in my life and it wasn't a beacon of anything and it should have been thrown away long ago and it should have been somewhere else and it didnt deserve to exist? And it should have been explained a bit better but basically this is what it is!!!???! Like you can preach about happiness and balance all you want but this i my happiness!!! This is what i wsnr mi life to look like!!!! This is what happiness os to me, this is what safety is, this is how I manage to come home and feel happy about myself!!!!! Do you actually want balance or do you just wsnt me to live by your rules? Like do you even care if I get happier if the way I am happy, it's not by throwing it all away? No? Like did you even let it a chance to exist first?

Yeah if I said that to my mom she would've interrupted me to say "I understand no need to be like that" and then she would've told me "well talk about it in the morning" and basically listen to nothing and not give a shit at all. Sorry if I sound really annoying about getting my point across, this id whar I have to deal with at home so I'm sorry if I'm not arguing like a peaceful person here.