#all jokes aside I think David is a wonderful voice actor and I love him

[kittynumyum]

So I just found out who's in Moon Girl S2...

[the--highlanders]

Reverse Unpopular Opinion Meme: Something good about your least favourite Doctor. And maybe your favourite Doctor too, just so you have an excuse to talk about them if you like :D

oh interesting!

there’s a couple of Doctors I connect with less than others but I’m going to go with Ten for this (I know this is meant to be a positivity thing but for context - I don’t enjoy the jesus-figure writing, plus I associate him with being a teenager in the superwholock years and people trying to emulate that super-snarky-genius character gjfk)

only... I want to like him! because I really like David Tennant as an actor! I think he’s great in Broadchurch! at the end last year he got cast as a voice actor in my fave game/a spinoff show and I’m massively excited for it!! I was going to go for the ‘no missed opportunities’ version of this meme but you know what I’ll say it. I wish they had’ve let him keep his accent for Ten.

and writing decisions aside, there’s something about him that’s just very likeable. I see gifsets on tumblr and I think ‘oh, that’s such a good bit’. I rewatch episodes and I enjoy them. there’s a lot of episodes from his era that I genuinely love (I have very fond memories of just having gotten into Torchwood, going on holiday without access to the internet/without having bought the dvds yet, and just. rewatching The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End over and over for the Torchwood content ghfjkd). so whenever I rewatch I always feel like I dislike Ten in theory and because of the things I associate him with more than because of what he actually is.

& then my favourite Doctor is obviously Two. who very much is the Doctor to me. I remember earlier in Thirteen’s run a lot of people were wanting for her to get darker, and I was a bit like, no!! let me have a relatively happy fun Doctor again, please!! Two’s fun and friendly and has great found family dynamics with all his companions and he’s personable in a weird sort of way. like, he’s not necessarily likeable in the same way Ten is, he just carries on doing his own thing (sometimes oblivously) until people can’t help but go along with him. which now I think of it seems quite like Eleven (probably deliberately so and, hey, coincidence, Eleven was my favourite new series Doctor for a loong time) - like, that bit in A Christmas Carol where Eleven tells Kazran his bow tie is cool because he wears it and he doesn’t care what people think? Two is that, but not articulated so openly.

but then he also... isn’t entirely cuddly. he’ll send a fleet of Ice Warriors into the sun without a second thought. he doesn’t seem too worried about Salamander being sent into the vortex. he’ll bash a guy over the head and joke about it. and unlike later Doctors, he never seems to angst over it, like he can justify it to himself. his philosophy is probably the definition of ‘total tolerance requires some intolerance’. he figures it’s morally okay because he’s helping people. which is something that the Doctor doesn’t get to do much anymore, and I wonder if it’s because there’s still a little bit of ‘we don’t quite know what the Doctor is and he’s slightly untrustworthy’ about him. but it’s interesting. and it’s often been said that he settles down after meeting Jamie - and he does! and Evil of the Daleks very much shows Jamie as his moral compass. but for all that Jamie has a super strong set of moral codes, they also happen to include ‘it’s ok to bash someone over the head sometimes’. there’s literally a short story where Jamie almost throws someone out of the TARDIS because he thinks they’ve killed Two. so they probably feed into each other with that.

on the other hand Patrick Troughton’s portrayal of him is just so littered with tiny mannerisms and characteristics and he really shows how much input the actors got to have with those sorts of things in the early series, because he feels so organic. he’s kind to Victoria when she’s grieving, and he can relate to that grief. he plays cards when he’s cornered by soldiers. he’s from an alien planet and (badly) pilots a time machine but he hates computers. he’s vain and thinks he looks wonderful but is a complete mess. he’s alien in all sorts of ways, but still feels very much like a person.

[popculturebuffet]

Reviewcaps: Amphibia: Swamp and Sensibility / Wax Museum

This week Anne tries to treat life like a ABCFamily Original Movie with predictable results while Kermit the frog cameos and the rest of the family wonder into a few possible Jordan Peele Movies. Then Anne stumbles into a Gravity Falls Homage and Frog Stan nearly murders her because that’s our boy. That’s our boy right there. Be warb under the cut. 

Wooo hoo! While this one’s a little wait both due to work on another review for a certain episode, this was a decent episode to cap off our long road trip. We’re now one week away from Marcy debuting and also Keith motherfucking David. 

I have no idea what enlisted is or what the hell is going on here but it’s keith david casually laying on a bicyle in full uniform. How could I not? 

Before we get to this week here’s last week’s recap, as tumblr ate it for reasons..  as you can also see if you click on my blog I tided up my subpages, so amphibia reviews can now be found in the general disney section along with ducktales and star vs. Now that’s out of the way our last episodes before marcy and keith, i’m a day behind, let’s a go. 

Swamp and Sensiblility

I”m also going to try going a bit looser.. still recapping what happens but not beat for beat as it’s gotten tiring and I sometimes strain for jokes especially when tired. So this week The Plantars find themselves stranded in Ribbiton, the most expensive city in amphibia after betsy breaks her reigns and, not having any other options are forced to stay with Hop Pop trying to keep the kids from getting distracted by the luxury. Thankfully they find an old friend: It’s One Eyed Wally!

Actually got an outside gif to work! Also hooray! But I did really like wally after his spotlight episode last season and his insane plan with the explosives that wound up paying off.. that’s some Wolverine level thinking.. no really he once cut the wires open in a sewer during a rainstorm so when the water inevitibly hit them it’d cause a blackout and hopefully help the x-men when it did if things had gone sideways.. which by the time it did, it did and they had. So good on you guys.  Anyways turns out Wally’s a rich boy but he’s gone too far because he know it don’t matter anyway.. and has been hiding his true self from his family, so the plantars showing up really dosen’t help. Thankfully he’s able tos top them from talking or correcting his father assuming their the help and our family takes lord rich asshole up on his offer to stay the night at their mansion, which in what I assume is a nod to gravity falls has peacocks on the lawn, though this being Amphibia their giant and deadly and you shouldn’t look right at them. 

Once in their fancy guest room, Anne wonders...

Wally explains, as I did he’s hiding himself. Anne sees parallels with a movie she was watching at the start of the episode from point to pop and lock which looks like my own personal hell.. aka an abc family original movie back before it became freeform, which is a more fitting name for what the network horrifcally mutated into over time so fair enough. It’s better than say keeping the names MTV or TLC long after either of those acronyms is at all accurate.. and at least with MTV they have almost 40 years of brand recognition to justify it with. But yeah it’s about a ballerina who wants to hip hop dance, you’ve seen the story a million time.. and a plot repeated here about a kid wanting to live their dreams but worrying their family won’t accept them or knowing they won’t, with wally, while not carrying for the money, not wanting to loose his family or his beloved bug... which reminds me of that Pokemon episode with James and his growlithe only without a carbon copy of jesse trying to use bdsm to make james obey which is not how that works Jessebelle. That’s not how any of that works. What.. what even was that episode.. I mean somehow it was really good and makes me question why Jesse and James never hooked up but still, what WAS that. 

Anyways, while Anne decides to interfere, the Plantars get a great montage of wondering into various creepy shit with toad saunas, rich people smashing things, and one frog in a peacock outfit among actual peacocks.. just.. yeah.. real Jordan Peele/Blumhouse “Rich white people are fucking terrifying” shit.. which is accurate. Thankfully instead of getting trapped in their own bodies or forced to star in the boy, our heroes make it back to Anne.  At dinner Anne outs wally as a frigging weirdo with predictable results. Yeah the one flaw I can find with this episode is it’s REALLY predictable up to this point: Anne watches a movie, is obviously going to encounter someone with similar problems, then tries using that movie as real life, it fails but then somehow workso ut in the end or dosen’t but the person is happy anyway. What does spice it up though is the final act, as Wally decides fuck it , he’s going to take control of his own life and issues a family challenge against his dad to do so, something Anne, and me honeslty, had forgotten about from last season as that was 30 years ago and one of the less memorable episodes. Still nice bit of continuity. But with wally lacking a mount because his dad’s a prick, Anne pitches in to fix her screw up and we get a decently shot sequence, and amontage, as Anne and Wally play rich polo against wally’s dad. Oh and of course the more notable part of this, Kermit the Frog here, if sadly the minty fresh matt vogel one instead of the sadly fired Steve Whitmire.. still not over that but oddly Vogel does a better job here than on muppets now as I genuinely could not tell it was him so it works. But yeah, it’s not Vogel doing a voice but Kermit DOING voicework for amphibia, because Muppets get wonderfully meta and Disney wanted to keep this gimmick going. yes going, as last year Fozzy did voice acting for Big City Greens... I fucking love this and hope disney keeps doing it for all their shows. Do Owl House next. 

Anywho Kermit commentates and it’s okay, they don’t do much with him but the sheer novelty of Kermit playing a thinly veiled copy of himself that still looks like a muppet still kinda works. Anyways wally ends up winning via hair accordion (”How long has that been in there?” “At least a full season”) and his dad dosen’t want Wally to leave the family.. which neither does he, he just wants to be accepted, his father accepts him, reveals he also likes music, happy end.  Final Thoughts: As you can tell I kinda breezed through this one but unlike other just okay episodes lately i’ts not half bad and while using a stock plot, it does use it cleverly, and to help flesh out a character we like.. it’s still very by thenumbers but the neat setting of the rich people mansion, the plantars journey through it’s creepy bowels and kermit the frog cameoing all really help boost what otherwise would’ve just be “the episdoe before the gravity falls homage” it still was but it was enjoyable enough. It’s just in a day where disney said gay rights and i’ts sister episode is again an homage to one of Disney’s greatst shows in it’s storied animated television history, it’s also easy to forget. If nothing else it was nice to have Wally back. I do think that helped. As you can probably also tell these road episodes have been wearing on me.. while their not BAD, and some are infact quite excellent, a few like this one, quarallers pass, and the acting and western episodes, are just.. eh. The character flaws they bring up are only one episode and they don’t really felsh out the charcters enough. Even here while it’s nice to get more dimension to wally i’ts not really by much. They just feel fairly stock in a show that while using some stock plots usually can do so creatively. I think that’s the core problem: it’s not that these are TERRIBLE it’s just I expect better form the show in a typical episode, and from the interesting setups the road brings, especially since it DOES deliver on them in other episodes and i’m kinda glad this stretch is finished next week. That being said it does go out on one hell of a note.. 

Wax Museum So after weeks of anticipation, our road trip ends on an episode that was hyped up before the season even began.. a weird move given this is week 5 and i’d of saved the interviews for closer like Disney does with ducktales, but regardless, this one was worth the wait.  First my quick, since I tend to go overboard on my thoughts on shows, thoughts on Gravity Falls: It’s fucking excellent. I stand by calling it one of disney channels best shows and while certaint hings could’ve used more time, like Dipcifica seriously I have no idea why tease that and then do nothing with it when they still had plenty of time left int he series even with Ford. But yeah a few minor quibbles aside the series was really good, left us wanting more which after seeing other shows sputter into flames at the end, hello Star Vs, I can live with. So yeah I was hyped for this one, especially since Amphibia creator Matt Braley not only worked on Gravity Falls but got Gravity Falls creator Alex Hirsch’s blessing.. and of course, Alex being a peach of a guy, just yesterday he proudly cooed over the fact Dana Terrance actually got Disney to have a bisexual lead character after he struggled to get anything remotley LBGTQ into gravity falls. He’s a good guy. And a weirdo but he’s my kind of weirdo. But being so nice, he naturally agreed to return as stan expy the curator and frog soos. While that is all we get, I do get not wanting to shohorn 80 refrences to the show in or get a ton of voice actors to come back for a cameo, nor try and include the twins due to the plot of this episode really not working with them around, thougH I WOULD have appricated frog mcgucket, but eh, you can’t get everything you want.  Said plot is again simple but really intresting: The Plantars stop in a small town and are dead broke, but Anne casually taking off her hood and being reminded she’s seen as a freak ends up as a lucrative buisness opprotunity as naturally small town yokels are fine with gawking. So with the plantars now having actual money to see the sighs Anne settles on the curosity hut, our mystery shack for the evening. The rest of the plantars, especially Polly who sees some eyes move, are utterly unverved byt he place and by it’s owner, the curator, our stan pines.. or stan ponds if you will. I mean if the series has a chuck and other normal names here an there, including Polly, then it’s not a stretch to say his first name stayed the same. Anyways, Stan shows the family around, including Air Mantis, because hell yes and some gnomes and other callbacks to gravity falls.. but I like how theirs only a handful to gravity falls monsters. There’s plenty of refrences but the episode wisely goes more for the FEEL of Gravity Falls: The creepy setting, weirder monsters (even if amphibia dosen’t shy away from weird , last episode had sheep bugs and all), and spooky vibe from the curosity hut all feel like the tone Gravity Falls went for, which is similar enough to amphibia the two mesh well. Plus the curator is basically a SLIGHTLY more evil stan pines... SLIGHTLY., and Braly naturally having worked on the show nails the character in writing while Hirsch steps back into the roll like it was just yesterday. It feels like a love letter to what the show was rather than just “hey remember this cool thing from it”, with still plenty of nice nods here and there. 

Anyways back to the actual plot, the rest of the Plantars decides to leave because this place gives them the creeps as does Stan, but once htey leave Anne finds something: A skipman! Which is a great name for a portable cd player.. seriously I had one of those early in high school, the skipping really was constant hell. If anyone ever complains about mp3s, smack em. I do not miss that era. Have a bit of nostalgia for it sure, but I do not actually MISS it. 

Anyways, yeah this is a big deal and it’s nice that even in the homage to it’s parent show, we get a rather big plot point: something else came from Earth and given Anne dosen’t recognize it as Marcies, though It still could be but I highly doubt it, it didn’t come with the three of them, meaning there were humans BEFORE.. possibly centuries in amphibia time given what we’ve seen so far. After all a great calamity had happened, it somehow invovles the box that brought anne here... no one says time travel can’t be involved. And it’ll raise even more in a minute. But first Stan offers a million coppers for it. not being made of money Anne instead bargins on her weirdness: One day of performance in exchange for the discman. Sounds good Stan. He certainly doesn’t have any evil plans. Wink... he’s telling you he’s winking because one eye’s under an eyepatch. Naturally Stan has less than good intetions and ominously plots to frog soos.. which I absolutley love how they just call him frog soos, who postulates on multiverse theroy because he’s apparently been licking himself agian. Oh that soos... I always knew he was on something. Also while he dosen’t get a high from it I don’t doubt human soos also licks himself for unrelated reasons. 

Anyways the rest of the family are skpetical of Anne meeting stan at night.. which is fair. I wouldn’t want my nieces or nephews, and one of the nephews is around anne’s age, around stan alone for any length of time. I mean he’s fine with his own family but I know i’d find them in a child size armadillo suit having been fed questionable canned meats after having to dance for gawking yokels. Plus stan has resting “Call the police fan” so HOp Pop wants to just discuss it in the morning first before remotley trusting this guy. But anne impulsively decides to just sneak out when their asleep. More on that in a bit.  Naturally trusting the strange man she just met who presumibly traffics ladypugs in this reality and constnatly looks like he wants your wallet goes poorly as Stan traps Anne and plans to incase her in wax like the other exibits. The plantars realize anne is missing and rush in with Polly trying to face her fear and ending up freeing ah orrifying monster “This is way worse’ indeed. Meanwhile Stan is annoying anne who’s praying for the wax to get her in one of the best bits of the episode.. because of COURSE stan would talk inncoently to someone he’s kdinapped while eating canned beef. To me it’s another nice touch: While the caretaker IS more of a villian than stan, for obvious reasons, given he’s put a random person behind glass just for not buying things, dressed his own grandson up in a humilating wolf suit and had soos use a fucking boiler for his employee break room, it’s not a hgue stretch to say a pre-character development, i.e. pre dipper and mabel to convince him to be slightly better, Stan would kidnap a bunch of freaky wax creatures. It’s also why i’m okay Jason Ritter and Krystin Schall didn’t return. Their great and I woul’dve loved to have dipper and mabel back.. but the episode just dosen’t work with them in it even as a cameo, and they could easily show up in a followup later if they choose to bring this character back. Probably not but hey stranger things have happend.  Stan does however reveal something important: He got the discman from newtopia.. where a bunch of OTHER artifacts are. Thankfully before that information becomes useless to Anne, Sprig and Hop Pop show up to the rescue and Stan fights them thinking their cops as he dosen’t want to go back to frog jail. And even once he finds out their not, he still wants a new attraction because this is stan and again, as good as he is by series end, or at least marginally better, I still wouldn’t put it past him to put sentient creatures in wax. This however backfires as once Polly frees the creature above sprig and hop pop free the rest, and the giant throng of monsters drags Stan off, with blood popping up.. though he assures us it’s just wax so he could show up again. Probably not. He also offers htem 10 perecent, and goes up to 11.5 but that’s as far as we go. Goodbye again stan. I’ll miss you buddy. Seriously I absolutley loved the character and even with a shifter copy it was really nice to have him back for an episode.  The family carts Anne off and back at the campsight Anne bemoans not getting the skipman.. luckily Sprig grabbed it on their way out, because h’es a good friend, but Hop Pop and Pollly are annoyed at anne for once again recklesly endangering herself without considering them and forcing them to save her (As polly pefectly puts it I”m tired of facing my fears anne) And that’s why I saved that: this episode deconsturcts anne’s tendency to act before she reallyt hinks or consult anyone else and actually has the family confront her on it, though she does genuinely apologize so hopefully it’ll stick. But yeah now newtopia offers even more promise and anne offers hop pop an accidental laser to the eye vai the skipman to close out the episode.  Final Thoughts: As you can probably tell If reaking loved this one. Instead of just apping gravity falls, as I pointed it out i more felt like a gravity falls episode in miniture, mixed with Amphibia to still feel like it belonged in amphibia, and with Stan back just slightly more evil. Slightly. Alex Hirsch was as always a massive delight and it was a treat to have him back, and it was a really damn good note to close the road trip out on after some middling episodes, toadcatcher excluded. Not much else to say, it was really damn good, easily the seasno’s second best after toadcatcher.  Next Time:  MARCY. KEITH DAVID. Ants? Good times. Until then you can find more disney reviews under the disney tab on my blog including the entire season of amphibia thus far and season 3 of ducktales thus far. Until we meet again, courage. 

[ljones41]

"ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE" (1969) Review

"ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE" (1969) Review At least ten years or more must have passed since I last saw the 1969 Bond movie, “ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (OHMSS)”. EON Production’s sixth entry in the Bond franchise has the distinction of being the only movie that starred Australian male model-turned-actor, George Lazenby. It was the first EON movie that did not star Sean Connery – already fixed in the public’s mind as the only actor who can portray James Bond. And it was the only movie that was directed by former film editor, Peter Hunt.

I first became aware of “OHMSS” back in the mid-1980s. I had seen it on television once, when I was a child. But ABC Television’s botched editing had turned me off from the movie. I eventually became a fan during repeated viewings of the movie during the mid and late 1980s. By the beginning of the 1990s, “OHMSS” had been fixed as my favorite Bond movie. For years, it remained in this position, despite repeating viewings of other Bond movies, the release of the Brosnan films and my own mysterious reluctance to watch “OHMSS”. It seemed as if I was afraid to watch it again, fearful that my earlier adulation of the film might prove to be misguided. And then EON Productions released “CASINO ROYALE” in the theaters back in 2006. "CASINO ROYALE" had impressed me so much that my doubts about “OHMSS” increased even further. After seeing “CASINO ROYALE” for the third time and 2008's "QUANTUM OF SOLACE", I finally decided to watch “OHMSS” for the first time in years. In the end, my fears seemed groundless. My latest viewing of “OHMSS” proved that I had every right to view it as one of my all time favorite Bond movies. After 41 years, the movie still holds up as one of the finest Bond movies in the entire franchise, if not the finest. And it also one of the few Bond films to closely follow its source, namely the 1963 novel penned by Ian Fleming. What makes the latter remarkable is that the previous Bond entry, “YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE” barely resembled its literary source, aside from a few characters and the setting. “OHMSS” picks up with Bond searching for Blofeld, now wanted by various governments for his past forays into international terrorism and extortion. His search leads to meeting the most important woman in his life other than Vesper Lynd – Teresa (Tracy) Draco di Vicenzo. Not only will his meeting with Tracy lead to a serious change in his private life, it will also affect his professional life, thanks to Tracy’s father, Marc-Ange Draco when he provides Bond with information leading to Blofeld. Of course, Draco was only willing to provide this information, if Bond courts his daughter. In the end, Bond not only tracks down Blofeld, but destroy the latter’s latest attempt to extort the United Nations. But as many know, Bond’s latest professional conflict will result in tragedy for his private life. I only have a few problems with “OHMSS”. One of them was the director Peter Hunt’s decision to have actor George Baker (portraying the real Sir Hilary Bray), dub Lazenby’s voice, while Bond is impersonating Sir Hilary at Piz Gloria. Why they had decided to do this confounds me. It seemed very unnecessary, unless the director was aiming for Sir Hilary to sound like a cliché of a British scholar. Another problem I had were some of the jokes that came out of Bond’s mouth. I consider this problem minor, since “OHMSS” �� like many other Bond movies had its share of good and bad jokes. One particularly good joke was the St. Bernard who came to Bond’s “rescue” after the latter had survived his bobsled fight against Blofeld. And last, but not least, there were a few moments when the editing seemed a bit . . . questionable. A good example would be the scene that featured Bond’s first meeting with Draco. There is a moment when it seemed that Bond had asked Draco for Blofeld’s whereabouts. It seemed as if Lazenby had spoken too soon, cutting off actor Gabriele Ferzetti’s lines too soon. Another viewing seemed to reveal that poor editing might have been at fault and not Lazenby’s acting. And another review seemed to agree with my findings. Aside from the previously mentioned quibbles, I had no problems with “OHMSS”. In fact there is so much to enjoy about this movie – including the main star, George Lazenby. Many critics and fans either tend to dismiss his performance as wooden or give him minor credit for his valiant attempt at a decent performance. Frankly, I think that he was a lot better than many give him credit for. I must admit that he has a rather odd voice (which I suspect has been influenced by his Australian accent), but so did most of the other Bonds – including Connery’s tendency to indulge in pre-adolescent diction, Moore’s drawl, Dalton’s Welsh accent and Brosnan’s . . . well, I cannot really describe Brosnan’s voice. I just find it odd. But despite Lazenby’s odd voice, his acting comes off very natural and he seems to project Bond’s emotions with an ease that should not have come easy to him. But he does. And instead of portraying Bond as some kind of action/sexual icon, he portrays the character as very human. This is very obvious in the following scenes: -Bond’s growing impatience with Tracy’s antics -Bond’s surprise that M had given him leave instead of accepting his resignation -Bond’s breakthrough with Tracy -the Piz Gloria dinner sequence -Bond’s fear of capture during his escape from Piz Gloria -Bond’s proposal of marriage to Tracy -Bond’s quarrel with M over Tracy and Blofeld -Tracy’s death

Personally, I thought that Lazenby really shined in the marriage proposal scene, those scenes that featured Bond’s quarrels with M and the Piz Gloria dinner sequence. Despite having his voice dubbed by George Baker in the latter, Lazenby managed to express Bond’s emotions during that scene effortlessly without having to say a word. The movie also benefited from the presence of Diana Rigg, who had recently left “THE AVENGERS” to begin a movie career. What can one say about the great Diana? Not only did she effortlessly combine all the complex personality traits of Tracy di Vicenzo – witty, emotional, sad, brave, determined, etc. Is it any wonder that Tracy is viewed by many actresses as the ultimate Bond woman? Even better, both Rigg and Lazenby managed to create great chemistry together as the romantically doomed pair. Not only did “OHMSS” benefited from both Lazenby and Rigg’s performances, the pair was ably supported by a fine cast that included the warm and charismatic Gabriele Ferzetti as Tracy’s father, the talented Ilse Steppat who portrayed the intimidating Irma Bunt shortly before her death (she never lived to experience the movie’s release), the always dependable Bernard Lee as M – giving one of his better performances, and the charming and fun Angela Scoular as Blofeld’s English patient, Ruby. Of course one cannot forget the legendary Telly Savalas, who became the second actor to portray Ernst Blofeld on-screen. And as far as I’m concerned, he was the best. He was not impeded by Donald Pleasance’s ridiculous scar and questionable accent or Charles Gray’s foppish portrayal. Instead, he radiated intelligence and menace, making him the only Blofeld (in my opinion) worthy of being Bond’s nemesis. I also have to commend Peter Hunt’s direction. “OHMSS” was his first time at bat as a director. Any other inexperienced director could have turned one of Ian Fleming’s best novels into a hash job. Fortunately, Hunt proved to be a talented director and did justice to the novel – although I did have a problem with the editing of a few of his scenes. Hunt was not only ably supported by a fine cast, but by screenwriter Richard Maibaum, editor and future director John Glen, and John Barry’s marvelous score and Hal David’s haunting lyrics to the song, “We Have All the Time In the World”. Cinematographer Michael Reed superbly recaptured the majesty of the Swiss Alps and the exotic elegance of Portugal with his photography. And one cannot forget skier Willy Bogner Jr. and Alex Barbey for creating the first and probably best ski chase in the Bond franchise. I could probably go on about how much I love “OHMSS”, but I do not want to sound repetitive. What can I say? After 39 years, I consider to still be one of the best Bond movies in the franchise . . . and definitely one of my favorites. And I am happy to see that “OHMSS” is finally being recognized by many as the fine film it is. If you have not seen this film, I suggest that you rent or buy it as soon as possible. Or else you might miss something special. 

[seanpatricklittlewriter]

The Movie Post

Greetings and salutations, true believers. I haven’t posted anything in a while other than shameless book promotion stuff for #FourthAndWrong, and for that I apologize. I always say I’d let you know if anything good happened immediately, but nothing good has happened. The new book is out. A few people who have read it told me they liked it. It’s not selling well. Lack of sales means a lack of reviews, which only helps it not sell faster. It’s all a vicious cycle. At a certain point, you have to remember that you’re only writing books because some tiny voice in your head won’t let you stop, and you just throw your hands up and let everything else fall as it may. For the first time, I’ve actually bothered to try real advertising. I’m giving advertising on the Kindle lock screens a go. I’ll let you know if actually works.

 In the meantime, I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts while puttering around the house, going for walks, and ignoring the gym. (I gotta stop ignoring the gym…) If you haven’t watched “Ted Lasso” on AppleTV yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s one of the best shows I’ve watched in a long time. Great writing. Great characters. Great story. Very uplifting and wonderful. One of the show’s writers, creators, and stars, the wonderful Brett Goldstein (who plays the gruff Roy Kent on the show), has a podcast called “Films to Buried With.”

 I started listening to his podcast because I enjoy him on the show so much, and I’ve found out that I enjoy his podcast as much as the show. He’s a genuinely sweet man, and he gets comedian and actor friends to guest on his podcast. The show’s conceit is that Brett invites guests on, tells them they have died, and then gets them to relive their life through the films that meant something to them. It’s a fun little chat show, and a solid way to waste an hour while you’re getting through doing the dishes or mowing the lawn.

 It’s precisely the sort of podcast I would love to be on. I’ve always said you can judge your level of success by what people invite you to do. I always said I’d know if I “made it” if I could ever get invited to be on one of the podcasts I enjoy, rather than trying to wrangle my way into someone else’s podcast or blog. So far— this has not happened. That should tell you what level of success I’m stuck at. I don’t get invited to the movies by my imaginary friends. But Brett encourages people to share their ideas and opinions on social media, anyhow. It’s a fun way to play along at home, tell other people about the podcast, and start conversations around your favorite movies. Stories bind us together. They give us common ground and build bridges toward strengthening relationships. If you meet someone new, you can tell if you’ll get along with them by what films they enjoy. So in that spirit, I’d like to answer the questions Brett asks his guests by discussing a few of my favorite films. If you’d like to play along in the comments, please do. I always love reading about what other people think about movies, books, or music. I won’t bother going through the death/afterlife conceit he uses, but I recommend listening to a few of his podcasts if you enjoy this sort of thing. It’s a fun little premise he uses to generate the episodes.

 --What’s the first film you remember seeing?

         I remember bits and pieces of several films from my childhood. I remember the Muppet Movie in the theater. I remember seeing The Black Hole. I remember a lot of little chunks of a lot of Disney animated films. But the movie that sticks out in my head is “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” It was 1981. I was six. I remember going to see it on a Sunday matinee with my family. I remember it was packed. People were literally sitting on the floor in the aisles. We got three seats someplace, but I remember my dad having to sit in the row in front of us. I don’t remember a ton about the movie the first time I saw it other than being scared of the pit of snakes and the melting Nazi faces. However, I remember the iconic moment when Harrison Ford pulled the gun on the swordsman and shot him. I remember the audience reaction and thinking, “That’s a hero.” I’ve long been a Harrison Ford fan. Between Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he played two of the most iconic heroes of my childhood. When I wrote the TeslaCon novels, I made no secret that my protagonist, Nicodemus Clarke, was just a shallow rip-off of Indiana Jones. It’s funny, but to this day, in my head, if you ask me what a hero looks like, it’s always going to be Harrison Ford.

  --What’s the scariest film you’ve ever seen?

          The scariest film I’ve ever seen is Kevin Smith’s “Red State.” It’s a movie about a religious cult that’s very reminiscent of the Westboro Baptist Church, David Koresh/Waco compound, or any of the other extremely far-right Christian separatist movements. It’s scary because there are many, many of these gun-hoarding compounds, and the movie, while extreme, is not too far off from possibility. Michael Parks plays the leader of the family at the heart of the film, and his performance was award worthy. He was truly terrifying.     As an aside, prior to Red State, I always told people the movie that scared me the most was the original “The Amityville Horror.” Basically, I saw the scene where the poltergeist made the drop-sash window fall on the kid’s fingers and nearly sever them, and that was it. I had the same drop-sash windows in my bedroom, and I was scared of them from then on. I’d like to say that I outgrew my fear of drop-sash windows, but I’m 46 and they still skeeze me out when I see them. A movie I saw 40 years ago warped me forever.

  --What’s the movie that made you cry the most?

         I used to not be someone who cried at movies. However, years of thyroid issues and depression have messed with my response to emotional moments, so I do get teary nowadays at movies. Emotionally speaking, it’s not sad movies that get to me. It’s movies where someone overcomes something difficult. Especially sports movies. The ones that get me the most teary-eyed now are movies like the first “Rocky,” “Hoosiers,” “Miracle,” and “Rudy.” I also get teary-eyed at points of bravery to the point of stupidity. The best example of that is the climax and denouement of “How to Train Your Dragon.” Strangely enough, when a movie does something that is supposed to be a tear-jerker moment to the point that it panders to the audience, I don’t cry— I actually get angry. Anything Nicolas Sparks has ever had his name attached to, for instance. It’s maudlin, and it doesn’t deserve our respect.

  --What the film that made you laugh the most?

       This is not going to be a popular answer. If I was a little more erudite, I’d say something like “Airplane” or “Blazing Saddles” or “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” However, I didn’t see any of those in the theater originally. I was home, watching them on video. While they were funny and some of my favorite movies, I did not really do a ton of laughing while I saw them. I went to see “BASEketball” with my sister, and the theater was packed. Something about seeing a movie in a crowded theater heightens the emotional impact of jokes, and for whatever reason, that movie put me on the floor a couple of times. It’s a silly movie full of cheap laughs, but I remember hurting as I was leaving the theater. My sides and cheeks were sore. Second on that list was the movie “Bridesmaids.” I don’t think I’ve laughed harder at any movie than the scene where they all get diarrhea in the bridal shop. Especially Melissa McCarthy: “LOOK AWAY!”

  --What is the sexist film you’ve seen?

         For me, I will never forget seeing “Bachelor Party” on HBO at a friend’s house. Monique Gabrielle’s scene is probably the first time I saw full-frontal female nudity in a film. It burned itself into my brain. I probably have a thing for redheads to this day because of that scene. The rest of the movie is very wild and funny. It was one of the launching blocks for Tom Hanks’s ridiculously amazing career. But that one moment stands out as one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen.

  --What film did you used to love, but now it’s not that great?

         Pretty much anything with “Rocky” in the title and a number following it. I still enjoy them, but Rocky III and IV, especially— not that good. I used to love them. I used to watch them whenever they hit TV, but now I only need to watch the first “Rocky,” and maybe the final fight in “Rocky II.” Anything else, I can leave out. They just feel a little overclocked at this point in my life.

  --What’s a film that people and critics panned, but you enjoyed?

        “Goon.” It’s a hockey film written by Jay Baruchel and starring Seann William Scott. It didn’t get wide release—almost straight-to-video. It didn’t get great reviews. I think Metacritic has it around 60%. But something about that movie hit me, and I love it. I suggest it to people all the time. It’s got great performances. It’s a solid flick. It’s not going to overwhelm you. It’s now one of my comfort films. When I’m bored and need something on in the background, I will often choose “Goon” or its sequel, “Goon: Last of the Enforcers.” The sequel was not as good as the original, but it’s still worth a watch. Kurt Russell’s son Wyatt is the villain in the sequel. He’s extremely good.

  --What’s a film that people love, but you hate?

        Hands down: “Avatar” or “Titanic.” Something about a lot of James Cameron films just don’t work with me. I think it’s because they’re too grandiose. They try too hard. Also, the scripts are just there to get him to the big, visual set-pieces. They’re thin on both character and plot. I can’t stand either of them.

  --What’s a film that means a lot to you, but it’s not because of the quality of the movie (i.e. you saw it with someone and it’s special, or it has importance to people around you, etc…)?

       Easily, “The Man From Snowy River.” This is a family favorite. I grew up watching this flick, and I made my daughter watch it when she was younger. I will never get tired of it. I probably watch it maybe three or four times a year. There’s just something about the cinematography of the climax when Jim goes down the mountainside on Denny’s back. It’s always breath-taking. Also, if you watch “The Man From Snowy River,” you see what my dad always wanted his life to be. Most boys’ fathers want their sons to be doctor or lawyers. My dad wanted me to be a cowboy.

  --What film do you relate to the most?

        “Clerks.” I saw “Clerks” when I was a senior in high school. Rented it from a local video store. I saw two dudes who were outliers in their social group working crappy jobs and dealing with the mundane nothingness of life. It hit me right in the gut. I resolved to do something better than that. So far, I’ve failed to do so, but I keep trying.

  --Empirically speaking, what is the best film? (Not necessarily favorite film— but what film do you think is the best film ever made?)

         I have to say it was “Lawrence of Arabia.” The casting was amazing. The cinematography was incredible, unrivaled, really. The story was excellent. And the ordeal of the entire filming process was without peer. What they went through to make that movie, hands down, makes it the best film ever made. The scope of the film alone is mind-boggling.  The Lord of the Rings trilogy is a close second, but that’s technically three films, so I went with Lawrence of Arabia.

  --What film have you seen the most?

         I have watched “The Muppet Movie” a ton. I still love the movie “Roxanne.” I have also seen “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” and “The Quiet Man” more than any single person probably should. If I had to think about it and pick one film I’ve seen more than other…it’s probably “Meatballs.” Growing up, my sister and I watched that flick a thousand times. I can probably recite it from memory. It’s also one of the films that cemented an undying loyalty to Bill Murray.

   --And finally: You die and go to heaven. And in heaven, they ask you to pick one film that summarizes your life, one film that makes people understand you, or a film you want people to watch to help them know you better. What is that film?

         Nothing has had more influence on my life than the movie “Ghostbusters.” It defined me in several ways: my love for comedy, my love for the paranormal, and my love for snark and snappy comebacks. I loved Ghostbusters so much that I watched it on a weekly basis. I ran the audio cables from our VCR to a tape deck and recorded an audio copy of the film to play on my Walkman while I road the bus to school every day. I still have the film memorized word-for-word. I will often let my eyes go a little weird and turn to my daughter and say, “Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him, that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!” To know me is to understand Ghostbusters on a molecular level. I owe that movie a lot.

  Anyhow, this was a fun way to waste my night. I encourage you to play along. Answer some or all of the questions Brett asks his guests. I highly recommend listening to a few episodes of “Films to Be Buried With” on your favorite podcatcher app. And if anyone out there knows Brett Goldstein, please let him know I’m available to guest on his podcast. Until next time—Thanks for reading.

--Sean

[taiwanpuppetryproudthunderbolt]

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interview 15

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Richard Chamberlain - How he keeps the Faith in his Private Life

"Fame isn't the answer. The answer is allowing yourself to be who you are."

"I'm not interested in being a multimillionaire; I want to do the kind of work that interests me. When I was beginning, I wanted to do everything: films, TV, modern things, period things, classics, musical theatre, I wanted to make records and I also wanted to paint. I'm a medium with occasional goods. I took dance lessons, and I have discovered that you can't do everything, but I've done a lot of it."

In a company town, Hollywood, where a favorite indoor sport is to trash everyone, its almost impossible to find anyone with a sour word to mutter about Richard Chamberlain.

The erstwhile Dr. Kildare, perhaps unintentionally, has made a secondary career of winning friends. He is Mr. Nice Guy wherever you turn.

He is therefore going against casting in his current role of Father Ralph in the ABC-TV mini-series, The Thorn Birds. For those unfamiliar with the best-selling Colleen McCullough's supernovel, Fr. Ralph does just about everything a priest isn't supposed to from having money of his own - courtesy of the character played by Barbara Stanwyck - to not being obedient or chaste.

In fact, there are those who might consider him a bit of a rotter. Not so Richard. We're sitting in his offices at The Burbank Studios just a few months after he has finished production on this massive film. He is about to don another hat: that of executive producer on a TV movie for CBS, hence the office setting complete with a round black glass conference table and comfortable chairs. Only successful executive producers rate such perks. But enough business talk. We are here to discuss The Thorn Birds, how he feels about yet another blockbuster following his so-successful Shogun and his real life.

First of all, Richard doesn't believe that Father Ralph behaved in such a reprehensive manner. "He followed his destiny," he states. "That process brought him to a kind of humility he never would have found otherwise. He needed to do that. He needed to fall from grace. I'm not saying all priests do; Ralph was too in love with the image of a perfect priest, with the glamour," he explains.

Those sentences give one a clear indication of what makes Richard Chamberlain tick. He's a perfectionist, although certainly not a bore - far from it - but he does get inside the character he plays. That's what makes him such an outstanding actor.

For this part, he researched Catholicism with Father Terry Sweeney, a Jesuit priest. He visited a Jesuit novitiate and stayed over with the young novices. "I had never before been involved with organized religion, and I got the feeling of what it's like to be part of a group of people who put the love of God and humanity before personal happiness. It is unusual and rare. The novitiates I met are in the process of doing that," he learned.

The painstaking research aside, working in TheThorn Birds was a grueling six-month assignment. A large portion of the nine hours was filmed in the Simi Valley, north of Los Angeles, where an exact copy of the Australian Drogheda landscape has been built. And it was hot. Richard's priestly garb, donned in layers, must have been well nigh unbearable.

With a boyish grin, he acknowledges that it wasn't an actor's dream come true, commenting that the plastic collar cut into his neck a lot. Just another of the ordeals that an actor goes through for the sake of a great role.

And a great plum it is. "I wanted it when I first read the book four years ago. I salivated over the part; it was such a wonderful love story. I chased after the part for years. I told my agents I wanted to do it; at that time, it was to be a feature movie and it went through the hands of numerous producers. They had Robert Redford at the top of all their lists. So I waited it out, like I did with Shogun. When they realized it couldn't be a film and Warner Bros. decided on a mini-series, then I knew I was in a good position. The producers - David Wolper and Stan Margulies - wanted me - and it became a dream come true," he says comfortably.

The dream realized, Richard was in the same position as all other actors when a role is complete: he was out of a job. "I have the actor's habit of thinking once a job is over I'll never be hired again. I can get very anxious about not working. It doesn't go into anxiety attacks, but there is a sense of fickleness about the business. If I allow myself, I can worry a lot."

He didn't allow himself to this time. Instead he took off for two and a half weeks to his little house in Hawaii. He has what he describes as, "a place on the beach in the toolies where there is nothing to do except eat." Or so he says. It doesn't show on his trim waistline two weeks after he has returned.

"I had forgotten what it was like to spend a day doing nothing. I kept saying I must be doing something wrong, this can't be right. I had a vague guilty feeling. So I just lay there on the beach and I didn't do anything," he laughs. "I find it an incredibly healing experience to go there. It's a wonderful change from the madness around here," he motions to indicate Hollywood. "I'd like to go there more often. As it is, I get there twice a year if I'm lucky."

The house has a live-in caretaker who looks after the property while its famous owner is gone. It is also rented out, through an agent, so the tenants never know that they're sleeping in Richard Chamberlain's bed. Pity.

It would appear that Richard is indeed the golden boy we all envy, whose life has been comparatively uncluttered with the "stuff" that make most of us miserable. And looking at him, handsome, trim, relaxed, just a few flecks of gray in the beard and mustache he has grown for his next part, he reflects total peace and tranquility. He's sipping a cup of herb tea from a delicate Japanese cup, NOT imported from Japan as were many of his household furnishings. Shogun did leave an impression on him.

He admits of being happier with his life as it is today than in previous years.

"As I look back, one of my big motivations for working so hard in this business in the early times was to find for myself a kind of self-worth which I imagined I would see reflected from the world when I became famous. It didn't work." He laughs shortly. "Being well-known has worked in other ways, but it didn't make me particularly happy. When I first realized that wasn't gonna work, I found other ways to work on myself, through Gestalt therapy, and working with Dr. Brugh Joy (a world-renowned metaphysician who gave up his medical practice to work with groups at his establishment in California's Lucerne Valley. Richard brought the film rights to Dr. Joy's book, Joy's Way, three years ago, and has a contract to produce and star in the story for CBS. He hopes to get it under way later this year.)

"Fame isn't the answer. The answer is allowing yourself to be who you are. I grew up at a time when certain values were deeply impressed upon children: in school and at home. There was a certain image to be maintained and a certain goal to be achieved."

One must bear in mind that Richard was born and raised in the rarefied atmosphere of Beverly Hills, where most of his friends at school were super-rich. His own father was a first salesman for a market fixture company, and then took over the firm. But he still wasn't raised in an atmosphere of wealth.

He became interested in acting while he was in college, but recalls, "My family wasn't enthused about my going into show business. They'd seen me in some college productions," he laughs. "I did want to go to college, but in my senior year I made a decision to take the gamble and get into acting. They didn't say 'don't do it'; they were supportive and they helped me, even though they didn't say 'Oh boy, this is terrific'."

His career proceeded normally: he studied with noted acting coach Jeff Corey, he got minor roles in a dozen TV shows, and in 1961 he got really lucky with Dr. Kildare. By the time that show had finished its run - there were 132 one-hour shows between 1961 and '65 and 57 half-hour episodes the following year - Richard Chamberlain was a big star. So big, he wondered if he'd live down his reputation of being the noble young doctor who did everything including make house calls.

He did what was then considered a rash step: he moved to England and worked in repertory. "I went to England because I felt it the best place to go and study. I had this real powerful hunch that I should go there and study. I was attracted to British theatre and I had amazing luck."

Indeed. He got raves for his role in a six-part adaptation of Henry James' Portrait of a Lady on the BBC. He appeared in Hamlet, The Madwoman of Chaillot, Julius Ceasar, and played composer Peter Tchaikovsky in the Music Lovers opposite Glenda Jackson. There was more Shakespeare, other classics, and when he played Aramis in two versions of The Three Musketeers followed by Cyrano de Bergerac, no one made anymore jokes about the boyish Dr. Kildare. Richard Chamberlain had arrived, as a serious actor of the theater and films. Deservedly so.

He is, of course, delighted that he listened to that powerful hunch, as he terms it. "I always try to listen to my inner voice. That seems to be one of life's most ironic essences: that very soft little voice of intuition is so easy to ignore, yet it's so often accurate. I always choose my roles intuitively. They appeal to me for reasons I couldn't say. I always have an answer as to why I choose a role, but the answer really is that it has a magnetic quality. Now, as a producer, I know that I read scripts looking for ways to make scenes work, and ideas that come up seemingly from nowhere. They just spring into my mind. It's not an intellectual process. Oh, it is to some extent, but it is largely emotional and intuitive."

As noted, here is a man who is comfortable with himself and he doesn't have to prove anything anymore. He's done that. So, when asked how he can top the role of Father Ralph, he says easily, "I don't think in terms of topping things. Everything is different and real to me. My next movie, titled By Reason of Insanity is for my own production company. I play a man named John Balt, who murdered his wife, spent years in an institution in therapy and is now back in society as a contributing member. In fact, he wrote his own life story, which this is. This story goes into areas I've never touched upon, so it's a vast challenge.”

"After Shogun and Thorn Birds, I find my interests are turning back to more ordinary parts - not that the John Balt story is ordinary, it isn't. He's an ordinary man who gets caught in an incredible vortex. Yes, I have leaned towards larger-than-life roles and that might have something to do with the fact that I have a very romantic nature. I didn't find life terribly interesting when I was a little kid. I hated school and I didn't like sports. I didn't like anything that anyone else liked. I felt out of it. It isn't that I didn't have friends. I did. And I had a pretty good time, but I was always fascinated by adventure movies. Especially Errol Flynn. But the other night when I couldn't sleep I turned on an old Errol Flynn movie and it was boring. It didn't hold up. The Three Musketeers and that kind of swashbuckling does, but not the one that I saw," he mock mourns.

Every actor has a dream role, and Richard has played such variegated parts - has he played it already or is his dream part still in the future?

"I think John Balt is as fascinating a part as I'll ever get. What are dream roles? Roles that call for words like depth and complexity, people who want things passionately and have to overcome tremendous obstacles to get them. My theory about John is that he wanted wholeness in his life that he unconsciously felt wasn't there. I think murdering his wife was unnecessary, but who am I to say that? He was living a life complying to images. He had an image of manhood, an image of the writer, of the husband and father, and he never said 'Who am I, what kind of man am I, what kind of father, do I love my children?'"

"Who am I?" Richard repeats the question. "I'm beginning to get answers at long last. What I am is an ever-changing alive being, who is not an image, who is not consistent, and I'm beginning to allow myself to BE instead of trying to be consistent and trying to comply to images. Images such an American hang-up. And so here I am in a business where images are more powerful than almost anyplace else except sports. I have found that I have warmth and lovingness and creativity. I might have doubted that before. I'm much more comfortable with people, much more willing to speak my mind. I don't have to try to manipulate people into liking me. I don't. I thought that I did." He is very thoughtful now and seems to enjoy looking within.

What are his long-range goals these days after 20-plus years of a good and rewarding career?

"I've done some satisfying work in the theatre, and I'd like to do more but I find it difficult to find the time. I want to continue along the lines I've been pursuing. I really like what I've been doing. I like my mobility in TV, I want more emphasis in films. I think I'm ready for that."

"And I like my life. I've finally created a home that I really love. I've had several houses, but I just remodeled this one - in a quiet canyon street, and it's just perfect for me. It's slightly Oriental, slightly Japanese. I brought back a lot of stuff from Shogun."

And who lives in this perfect house?

Just Richard Chamberlain and his pals. "I have two dogs," he says with all the love in the world in his voice. "Two Dalmatians: Jessie the Bandit Queen and Billy Boy."

And what does Jessie steal to merit that colorful name?

"My heart," he says in a tone that any animal-lover can recognize.

And so, then, one knows that Richard Chamberlain, a really happy man, does indeed have it all.

© 1983 Isobel Silden

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http://www.richard-chamberlain.co.uk/online.htm

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interview 32

Dick Diagnoses Dick His candid answers to 55 probing questions

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[sage-nebula]

What are things you love about Ducktales 2017 and things you are looking forward to? :3 ~

Oooh, there are a lot of things to love about it! Keep in mind that while I did watch some Ducktales way back in the ‘90s, I wasn’t a mega fan, and so my memories of it are kind of spotty. I of course recognize all the main characters, as well as the theme song (although the updated theme song is so much better), but it wasn’t one of my childhood fandoms, per se, and so I don’t have as much nostalgia associated with it as some others might. Therefore, a lot of my thoughts / opinions are coming from a “newer” fan, someone who is just watching and likes this show as it is.

That said? In no particular order:

The animation, obviously. At least one of the animation directors also worked on Gravity Falls, and trust me, it shows. The use of color, lighting, and shading in DuckTales is top-notch when it comes to setting the mood, and the animation is all very fluid and very pleasing to watch. Also, despite the majority of the characters being ducks, there isn’t any limit to how expressive they are, even though duck faces are (understandably) generally not as expressive as human faces. (And yet, the ducks never stop looking like ducks. It’s all very well done.)

The voice acting!! I mean, listen: I already knew that this show was going to have some real talent when I saw that Danny Pudi and Ben Schwartz were on the cast, because I’ve seen them in other things (Community and Parks and Recreation, respectively), and they were fantastic. But the minute, the second I saw that David Tennant was voicing Scrooge? Ghdsfldsjgldsfjdsa It went from “you have my attention” to “you have my interest” in pretty much .01 seconds. I’ve loved David since Doctor Who, and trust me, he never disappoints. And the rest of the actors and actresses are all fantastic as well. Everyone is doing such a good job. Even Donald’s actor, whoever he is, is doing a good job, even if I can’t understand him 25% of the time, and even if his voice makes me a little uncomfortable at times. (TL;DR: My biological mother used to do Donald Duck impressions, and she was rather good at them. Those were always during “nice” moments, so it’s not as if I have a bad memory per se attached to that voice, it’s just that . . . well, it makes me think about her, which is a little uncomfortable. But it’s not bad enough so that I can’t watch. I usually just get reminded, and then push it out of my mind so I can focus on the rest of the episode.)

The characterization for the triplets! They’re all distinct, individual characters for once, my god! And not just in the way they dress (although I like the fact that the way they dress reflects their personality, e.g. Louie wears a hoodie because he’s more laid back), but in how they act. I might not have been a super fan way back when, but I do remember that I could never tell the triplets apart. Even now, it wasn’t until I started actually watching the series that I came to remember which was which, and it’s because they’re all fully, fleshed out characters. And speaking of which . . .

The characters are all so varied. There was a lot of talk once it was discovered that animators from Gravity Falls were working on DuckTales about the characters from Gravity Falls being carried over (especially once we saw how much the animation and art really do resemble Gravity Falls), and while there are some similarities, the characters really are still themselves. Like, for instance:

Huey does wear a hat like Dipper, and he does carry around a journal that he relies on like Dipper (the Junior Woodchuck Guidebook instead of Journal 3), and he’s even got some anxiety like Dipper does. However, unlike Dipper, Huey does not at all believe in anything that is not either a.) science-based, or b.) he has witnessed himself. Whereas Dipper immediately believed that everything in Journal 3 was real, Huey refused to believe Wendy’s assertions about the Terrafirmians because they couldn’t be proven by science. Additionally, Huey’s anxiety manifests in actual fear of the unknown that freezes him in place, whereas Dipper’s manifests in flailing and panicking and throwing himself at situations to try and resolve them. Huey seems to have a love of learning for the sake of it, whereas Dipper wants to learn things so that he can either use them for himself and give himself an advantage. Huey also seems to have more of a code of honor than Dipper, and doesn’t want to get ruthless in the same way that Dipper will if necessary.

Webby and Mabel are both girly-girls who have some tomboyish aspects (mainly in that they like things like adventure and grappling hooks). They’re both very energetic, a little socially awkward, and they really want to fit in and be liked. These are things they have in common, however, they also have a lot of distinct differences. For instance, while Mabel does like some mysteries and adventures, she also grouses at Dipper’s need to chase conspiracy theories, and his inability to give them up. Webby, on the other hand, LOVES conspiracy theories, and is actually the one compiling her own Journal (a la Journal 3!) to document all the strange happenings around Duckberg. Mabel is a bit awkward, but she’s still socially conscious and outgoing, and outside of rare occurrences like with Pacifica, tends to make friends wherever she goes. Webby, on the other hand, has been isolated for a long time, and as a result it is very hard for her to easily interact with others, because she so easily goes over the top. Mabel loves romance; aside from wanting to get a boyfriend for herself, she also wants to get one for anyone else she can find. Webby, on the other hand, showed just as much open distaste at the idea that Donald and Ms. Beakly might kiss as the triplets did, and so on and so forth.

It seemed like Lena might be the new Wendy, given that she seems to be a slightly older female character who is very cool, likes hanging out with the younger ones, et cetera. However, she and Wendy are so different. Wendy is straight up heroic, whereas Lena is a definite antihero. Wendy’s family stresses her out, but for the most part they get along. Lena doesn’t seem to have a family. Wendy doesn’t take shit from anyone, but Lena is pretty clearly being manipulated by an evil spirit in her pendant, and so on and so forth. Anyone who would compare these two and call them the same has no idea what they’re talking about.And so on and so forth. The characters might have traits here or there in common with characters from Gravity Falls, but on the whole they stand on their own, and it makes me so happy, because it’s clear that while the two shows have similar tones (overarcing myth arc, adventurous plots), they’re still clearly two unique shows, and that makes watching DuckTales a fresh experience. (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Gravity Falls, but I want DuckTales to be its own thing!)

The humor! The humor is really on-point! There’s something to at least smile at every episode, and they haven’t had to resort to any toilet humor or anything like that (that I can remember, anyway). The jokes are witty and clever, and because the voice cast is such gold, the delivery is always on-point as well.

The myth arc!! The standalone episodes are interesting, of course, and they’re all really well done---but I love what little bits we’ve seen of the myth arc so far. The mystery surrounding Della Duck and the Spear of Selene is really interesting, particularly since the first episode implied that Donald is holding a grudge against Scrooge because of it. But then there’s everything with Lena, too; I love how the writers keep swinging the pendulum back and forth, where at first we’re led to believe that she’s a shady delinquent who won’t care what happens to Webby (and instead just wants to use her to get into a party), but then she seems to have Webby’s back and truly care about her, but then she seems to abandon her, but then she comes back, but then she has that pendant and those dark powers she’s accepting . . . and so on and so forth. They’re showing a lot of variance in Lena’s character---a lot of depth. It’s not just that she’s a cool kid, it’s not just that she’s a possible antagonist---she’s all of these things. And we’ve already seen reasons why she can be sympathetic, too. She doesn’t have a family, the idea that someone like Ms. Beakley would dismiss her as a “bad kid” hurts her, she’s never had anyone be there for her, she already wants to save others, she’s very obviously being manipulated . . . although I have a feeling that there are bad things to come in Lena’s future, I can also tell that they’re already setting up for her redemption arc, and I have a feeling that when the bad things come, she’s going to try to stop them before they happen, only for it to be too late (and for her to be horrified while the others wonder how she could possibly betray them, et cetera, until that all gets resolved). I’m really excited to see how this all plays out, especially if Lena’s story and whatever happened to Della end up being intertwined somehow.

So yeah, there’s a lot to like and be excited for where DuckTales is concerned! Every episode has been great so far, and I can’t recommend it enough to others. It’s a good show. ^^

[the-domestication-of-the-dog]

The 10th Annual L.A.O.K. Awards

Wow. Ten years of the Layokies. What a trip. I would like to give my heartfelt thanks to all five of my faithful fans for your readership over the years. In my first ever Layokies post, I named it the “1st (Possibly) Annual L.A.O.K. Awards.” I had no idea how long I’d be working at the Academy, let alone living in LA, but here we are. I bragged about seeing 180 movies that year. I just checked my Letterboxd stats for this year and it turns out I watched...180 movies. However, this year I hit a new personal best for new releases: 125. While this is about half as many as some people I know, some of the first Layokies were based on a field of 60 or 70 movies, so I’ve doubled up on my old self. Funny thing is, I can still look on other year-end lists and find many films I haven’t seen, and even some I haven’t heard of, so the field of films I’ve added are probably in the middle to bottom range of the pack. But someone out there has to watch Tolkien, Gemini Man, The Goldfinch, and Where’d You Go, Bernadette?, so it might as well be me.

In all honesty, my absolute favorite thing about living in Los Angeles and working at the Academy is access to watching movies and being around the general cinephile community, and even a bad couple of hours in a movie theater beats a lot else. Over Christmas break I saw Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker in Shawnee, OK’s own Cinema Center 8. 

It was quite a trip going back to this theater after so many years and to think of the love of film that was fostered there. Alas, the picture was pretty muddy, and I’m almost positive they showed it in 2k. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Now, in penance for naming The King’s Speech Best Picture in my first year (lol), I give you five real good’uns for 2019:

Best Film The Farewell The King Little Women Parasite Uncut Gems

Sometimes I touch on a year being good or bad for film in general. Not sure about the whole, but I’ll call 2019 a real SEC year (aka stacked at the top and mediocre to poor the rest of the way down). While I would probably only give one title on this list must-see status (Parasite), these are all definite should-sees. The Farewell made me laugh and cry and cringe. One might even go so far as to say it “gave me all the feels.” The King gave me actual siege warfare and period-accurate haircuts. Little Women hit me with that structure, and at first I was all “hol up,” but then I was all “OK I see you.” Little Women also made me cry because I cry in movies now. (A quick aside, because while I absolutely loved Little Women, it’s not really going to come up again. If you liked the movie and haven’t read the book, please do yourself a favor and make it the next one on your list. You can’t know how great this movie is unless you know how good Beth is. Beth kind of got lost in this one, and you need to know Beth.) Parasite blew me away through its normality (who, having seen The Host, Snowpiercer, and Okja could have guessed that it wasn’t about some actual alien parasite??). And Uncut Gems was exactly as perfect as I expected it to be. And the Layokie goes to... The King

Faithful readers will know that one of my absolute favorite genres is ‘discreet conversation behind castle walls,’ and The King absolutely nailed it. It has everything: leadership position foisted on a worthy but flawed character who doesn’t want it, conversations in tents about battle tactics, love built on almost nothing but mutual respect, and most of all, Robert Pattinson doing a funny accent (it’s just a French accent, but he makes it quite funny). I would have already watched this again five times on Netflix, but I’m hoping and praying for an Oscar nomination that will never ever in a million years come in hopes that I can see it again in the theater during nominations screenings.

The Next Five Six 1917 Honey Boy The Laundromat The Lighthouse Marriage Story Portrait of a Lady on Fire

Best Actor Timothée Chalamet - The King Adam Driver - Marriage Story Paul Walter Hauser - Richard Jewell Joaquin Phoenix - Joker Adam Sandler - Uncut Gems

Another super stacked category this year. You might even say they’re *puts on sunglasses*...Stacked Actors. (<-- This is a really good joke for anyone whose favorite band from 7th-8th grade was The Foo Fighters.) These are all kind of obvious, so I’ll take a second to comment on Paul Walter Hauser and the fact that I gave out a very specific award last year titled “Refuse to Watch - Any More Clint Eastwood Movies” after trying and failing to watch The 15:17 to Paris on a plane (one of the worst pieces of filmmaking I’ve ever witnessed). Then this year Richard Jewell was getting such good buzz, and it seemed like such a good cast, and it was such a low-risk watch (on my second screen at work while doing spreadsheets), that I decided to shamefully renege on my earlier pronouncement and give it a shot. And...it was great pretty good! What is the deeal with Clint Eastwood?? He’s made some of my least favorite movies of the decade (Gran Torino, Invictus, Hereafter was a particularly awful stretch, Sully was pointless, and even parts of American Sniper, which was otherwise tolerable, were absolute cringefests). Anywho, I was very impressed by Paul Walter Hauser’s understated but perfect performance, in which he gets one good chance to blow up and yell at people--which you know I love. I hope he gets nominated, because it would be a great Oscar clip. (My ultimate dream job would be to pick the acting Oscars clips and I would be very very good at it.)

And the Layokie goes to... The Sandman (love that everyone is calling him the Sandman again)

I touched on Adam Sandler “A” in the Best Supporting Actor section of my 2018 Layokies post regarding his performance in The Meyerowitz Stories, lamenting that he hadn’t taken more dramatic roles after Punch-Drunk Love and hoping that good writer/directors would keep casting him. One more wish granted by the Safdie brothers. Adam Sandler’s talent is undeniable. He is truly one of the Great Actors of his generation. I really hope this is a respected-actor-making turn for him, but the upcoming roles on his IMDd--Hubie Halloween and Hotel Transylvania 4--don’t give much hope for the immediate future. 

Honorable Mentions Taron Egerton - Rocketman (but only for the phone booth scene) Shia LaBeouf - The Peanut Butter Falcon Noah Jupe - Honey Boy Robert Pattinson - The Lighthouse Jonathan Pryce - The Two Popes

Best Actress Ana de Armas - Knives Out Scarlett Johansson - Marriage Story Elisabeth Moss - Her Smell Florence Pugh - Midsommar Saoirse Ronan - Little Women

Found out last night from my resident celebrity expert Bridgette Smith that Florence Pugh is dating Zach Braff and it absolutely crushed me. 

And the Layokie goes to... Elisabeth Moss - Her Smell

Her Smell was the last 2019 film I watched before writing this post, and I was really just looking for something to pass the time. I had been wanting to see it for a long time and noticed it was on HBO, so I pressed play and planned to work on this post while I watched. I couldn’t. I was riveted. The writing, score, and sound design are incredible, but it’s all tied together by Elisabeth Moss’s performance. She’s excellent at being revolting but still has all of those qualities that made her Peggy. You can’t not like her, even though you fairly hate her. 

Honorable Mentions Awkwafina - The Farewell Cynthia Erivo - Harriet Lupita Nyong’o - Us (You know I love weird voices, you know I love actors doing weird voices and faces, but this was a bit much even for me. Reflective of Us on the whole, which I thought was interesting but really missed the mark.) Charlize Theron - Bombshell

Best Director Ari Aster - Midsommar Bong Joon Ho - Parasite David Michôd - The King Benny and Josh Safdie - Uncut Gems Céline Sciamma - Portrait of a Lady on Fire

And the Layokie goes to... Benny and Josh Safdie - Uncut Gems

Wired: New directors Tired: Old directors

Boy do I not understand the love for The Irishman and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. I’m not totally against boring movies if there’s a good reason for it (Midsommar was actually quite boring), but these were some of the least compelling films I watched all year. On the other hand, you have these young directors coming out of prestige horror, Ari Aster, Robert Eggers, and to a lesser extent David Robert Mitchell and Trey Edwards Shults, making some of the most dynamic films out there. Reminds me of Roger Ebert talking about early Scorsese in Life Itself (which I can’t find a clip of). Then you have Benny and Josh Safdie doing Scorsese better than Scorsese with literally breathtaking shots like the one below. How they construct such amazing edits out of such disparate takes as the one in the still above is a wonder. They’ll go from five extreme close-ups in a row to a jaw-dropping shot of the inside of a jewelry store zoomed in from across the street. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg on what makes them the best filmmakers working right now. 

Honorable Mentions Noah Baumbach - Marriage Story Robert Eggers - The Lighthouse Claire Denis - High Life Greta Gerwig - Little Women Alejandro Landes - Monos Sam Mendes - 1917 Alex Ross Perry - Her Smell Joe Talbot - The Last Black Man in San Francisco Lulu Wang - The Farewell

Best Supporting Actress Laura Dern - Marriage Story Lena Headey - Fighting with My Family Lee Jung Eun - Parasite (The housekeeper) Meryl Streep - The Laundromat Shuzhen Zhao - The Farewell (Nai Nai)

And the Layokie goes to... Laura Dern - Marriage Story

Here’s one for the Laura Dern stan accounts: There’s no question that Noah Baumbach is a talented director of actors, but Laura Dern makes so much out of seemingly not a lot in this role. She truly embodies a wholly unique and three-dimensional character that could have extremely easily been one-note.

Honorable Mentions Lily-Rose Depp - The King Florence Pugh - Little Women Margot Robbie - Bombshell

Best Supporting Actor Timothée Chalamet - Little Women Willem Dafoe - The Lighthouse Shia LaBeouf - Honey Boy Al Pacino - The Irishman Robert Pattinson - The King

And the Layokie goes to... Willem Dafoe - The Lighthouse

For being all: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT7uR4wNMJs

Honorable Mentions Bill Hader - It Chapter Two Tim Heidecker - Us Sam Rockwell - Richard Jewell Song Kang Ho - Parasite (the dad) Lakeith Stanfield - Uncut Gems

Best Original Screenplay The Farewell - Lulu Wang Her Smell - Alex Ross Perry Marriage Story - Noah Baumbach Parasite - Bong Joon Ho Uncut Gems - Benny and Josh Safdie

And the Layokie goes to... Parasite - Bong Joon Ho

Another genre we don’t get nearly enough of: comedies of errors. A script like this is as sophisticated as any mystery, political thriller, or...some other sophisticated type of script, like uh, I don’t know, they usually just say Chinatown or Witness. I did think it lagged a bit in the third act, but everything that came before it was so tight. Twist after turn after twist, so funny, so shocking. This is such a rare prestige crowd-pleaser that it really does harken back to Hitchcock; if a wide audience can get over watching subtitles, this has to have one of the lowest barriers for entry of any foreign film in a long time. Here’s hoping for a Best Picture Oscar nomination and a wide release. Uncut Gems played at Shawnee’s other theater (titled simply Movies 6), so it’s not that far out of the realm of possibility. But I know people in LA, even that work at the Academy, who won’t watch subtitled films, so getting people to actually go see it is another question. 

Honorable Mentions Peterloo - Mike Leigh

Best Adapted Screenplay Jojo Rabbit - Taika Waititi Joker - Todd Philips & Scott Silver The King - David Michôd The Laundromat - Scott Z. Burns The Two Popes - Anthony McCarten

And the Layokie goes to... The King - Joel Edgerton and David Michôd

It wouldn’t be the Layokies without me championing one film that no one else cares about. I just really really liked The King. Timothée Chalamet is so hot right now! How did this get so overlooked?? 😭

Best Documentary Apollo 11 Honeyland It’s a Hard Truth Ain’t It Maiden Mike Wallace is Here

And the Layokie goes to... Maiden

As I’m in the process of producing a documentary right now, it pains me a bit that my top two picks in this category are almost entirely archival. I thought Mike Wallace is Here was so well done, and the director did some amazing things playing with aspect ratio. But Maiden came into port first. What is wrong with people who don’t appreciate sports? This xkcd comic (who I usually appreciate) makes me so angry. Tell the women who worked their asses off for years to claw their way into this male-dominated space and literally made the world a better place that their efforts were no more than a weighted random number generator on which to build narratives! Clearly the narratives are there, but it rarely has as much to do with the result of the competition as it does the effort that it took individual human beings to get there. See also: Undefeated (currently streaming on Netflix).

Honorable Mentions Fyre They Shall Not Grow Old Satan & Adam

Best Foreign Language Film Duh Parasite

Biggest Missed Opportunity Pokemon: Detective Pikachu (How the first live action Pokemon movie should have happened)

Not Even Close to Enough Monsters Godzilla: King of the Monsters

Most Unbelievable Cosplay Tom Hanks as Mr. Rogers

Absolutely Crushing the Sensitive Dad Roles Billy Crudup in After the Wedding and Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

Good in Everything Too obvious, but Florence Pugh - Fighting with My Family, Midsommar, Little Women Robert Pattinson - High Life, The Lighthouse, The King Adam Driver - The Dead Don’t Die, Marriage Story, The Report, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Destigmatizing Fatness Award Dolemite is My Name The Laundromat Skin Almost Hustlers but then not (Lizzo got what, 30 seconds of screentime??)

#WasteYourAudience’sTime2019 The Souvenir The Proposal

Didn’t Actually Deserve to be Driven into the Ground Dark Phoenix The Kitchen

Just Plain Liked It Triple Frontier

Most Forgettable Tie: Tolkien and High Life (not for me, but it took me a full 10 minutes to convince Becca that she watched this, and I had to describe the masturbation chamber aka fuck box in a lot of detail before she got it, and I’m still not totally convinced she remembers it)

The Something Award Motherless Brooklyn

The Nothing Award Judy

Worst Movies 1. Rambo: Last Blood 2. Between Two Ferns: The Movie 3. Abominable 4. The Lion King 5. Godzilla: King of the Monsters 6. Wine Country 7. Jumanji: The Next Level 8. Frozen II 9. The Goldfinch 10. Pet Semetary

Best Scenes

Avengers: Endgame - The hammer, the portals, all the nerdy/normie BS, what can I say call me a basic bitch but there were some genuine holy schmoly moments in this that made it a really fun movie to experience in the theater

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood - When Mr. Rogers uses the puppets on Lloyd

Captain Marvel - When she went full shit on ‘em

Climax - The opening dance sequence (the only thing that made this movie worth watching)

The Farewell - Too many to choose from, but I think my favorite moment in this movie was when they were taking photos of the fiances and another couple stumbled in on them, claiming they were lost. That couple leaves and we never see them again. These are the kinds of details that make movies come alive. Absolutely brilliant.

Gemini Man - The motorcycle chase (a rare scene actually made better by the high frame rate)

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum - The knife fight in the knife store

The King - The conversation between Hal and Catherine

Knock Down the House - When A.O.C. debated the incompetent proxy

The Last Black Man in San Francisco - Skateboarding into town

Little Women - The “break-up” scene between Jo and Laurie (not a spoiler)

Midsommar - The drug trip scene (not that I’ve ever done drugs but this was the most accurate drug trip scene of all time) and the Ättestupa ceremony. Also found out in the video linked above that Ari Aster pronounces it Mid-SO-mar?? I thought that was the dumb way to pronounce it but apparently I’m the dumb one. Also also, another amazing detail worth mentioning: I absolutely loved that every time they were in their community sleeping barn, there was a baby crying somewhere on the second floor that we never see. Such a perfect way to put the characters and the audience on edge and indicate that there’s something wrong here.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - While I didn’t care for this movie, the scene where Brad Pitt went to the movie ranch and when he fantasized about going to the film set were absolutely dripping with tension, which made them as just as riveting as the rest of the movie wasn’t

Parasite - When the other family comes home early

The Peanut Butter Falcon - The scene after they come out of the corn field and share one of their first genuine moments

Uncut Gems - *Sarah Palin voice* All of ‘em, any of ‘em. But seriously the finale with the Celtics game

Us - The initial home invasion and the visit to the Tylers’ home (Tim Heidecker and Elisabeth Moss)

The A.V. Club also does a best scenes list at the end of the year, and I love writing mine first and then seeing what they came up with. I’m always surprised at how many we match on. Just goes to show that a good scene is universal. I also enjoyed some of theirs that I overlooked here, including from Her Smell, Bombshell, Ad Astra (I almost included the moon chase myself and thought the baboon scene was equally compelling), and Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

Stupidest Scenes Every other John Wick 3 scene

Deserves Discussion The Dead Don’t Die

This movie was a lot of fun. But then it also completely sucked? Not really a Jim Jarmusch fan in the first place, but this had so many awesome elements to it: a great cast, great soundtrack, really fun and unexpected ways of breaking the 4th wall, but then it was also pointless and boring. I would love for someone to tell me why this is a good movie after all, but judging by its complete absence from the end-of-the-year discussion (or any discussion), I’m guessing no one cares enough to mount that challenge.

Best Visuals Alita: Battle Angel Aquarella A Hidden Life Honeyland Midsommar Monos

Many LOLs It Chapter Two Jojo Rabbit Parasite

Best Song Ready or Not - The Hide and Seek Song (why was this not submitted?)

Best Soundtrack Waves - Never have I already known so many songs on a film’s soundtrack; it’s almost as if Trey Edwards Shults is another white guy around my age with the same interests as me...

Worst Accents Midway

Started But Never Finished Cats Cold Case Hammarskjold Genndy Tartakovsky’s ‘Primal’ - Tales of Savagery  The Highway Men High Flying Bird Queen and Slim Spies in Disguise

Didn’t See Ash is Purest White Atlantics The Beach Bum The Body Remembers When the World Broke Open (still really want to see this one) Clemency Diane Invisible Life Luce Shadow Synonyms Transit Woman at War

Absent on Purpose Pain & Glory Ford v Ferrari I think these are the only two contenders that I’ve seen and haven’t mentioned. I actually liked both of these movies quite a bit. Just didn’t stand out for me in any one category I suppose. But then also: Booksmart Brittany Runs a Marathon Just Mercy The Mustang

Hah!

[ecotone99]

[HR] Joyful Abandonment and Impassioned Performances

Ms. Scofield was not looking forward to her meeting with Shane Muncie. Sometimes his eccentric personality and foolish antics could be amusing, but she wasn't in the mood for it today. As the drama teacher for Edwardsville High School, Ms. Scofield was responsible for putting on two student productions a year and this fall the play was an ambitious drama; The Last of Mrs. Lincoln. Unfortunately, she'd just lost one of the cast members to a basketball team that had, unexpectedly, made State. This young thespian/point guard would, therefore, be in Topeka dribbling on opening night instead of on the boards, stammering.

Opening night was less than two weeks away and Ms. Scofield needed a replacement. She needed Shane Muncie.

It would be awkward, however, asking because Shane had auditioned for the play. And, even though Shane had been a consistent part of Edwardsville High's drama team since a sophomore - and he was a graduating senior this year - Ms. Scofield passed him over due to the fact that this was a serious production. There were no comedic parts. Shane's ceaseless goofiness had been great for Don't Drink the Water and Bell, Book, and Candle; but would've been a distraction here.

Desperate times, however. He was the only boy in this small, largely rural school who could learn, stand and deliver the lines in such short order.

If only he wasn't such an irrepressible spaz.

"Hey Ms. Scofield," Shane knocked on the door before entering the classroom. "You wanted to see me? Did I do something wrong? You didn't find that paper I was writing on? That was just a joke...."

Ms. Scofield smiled and lifted her chin. She was by no means pretty, but she wasn't yet thirty years old, unmarried, and still had a woman's figure and a flair for the dramatic. She knew the students - particularly the boys - gossiped and speculated about her, so she could imagine what one of Shane Muncie's errant notes might have implied.

"No, Shane. Come in. Sit down."

Shane shuffled between the desks. He was tall and ungainly. Awkward in his own skin. His nose was humped and large, a feature he often used for comic effect, and his hair a scuffled mess of dirty blond feathers. He had blue eyes that couldn't hide anything, and they were darting around now, nervous.

He sat at a desk on the front row. Ms. Scofield perched herself on the top of the teacher's desk and tugged on her denim, ankle-length skirt.

"Shane," she started. "Dear Shane. You know the basketball team is going to State?"

"Yeah? So?"

"So Steve Royal is going with them."

"Okay?"

"Steve was supposed to be playing Ninnian Edwards in The Last of Mrs. Lincoln, but now he won't be able to."

"Oh."

Time stretched. Shane's face remained a blank canvas of clueless stupidity. Ms. Scofield slumped. "I'm asking you to take over the part, dummy."

"But I thought you didn't want me in this play," he replied.

Don't be a petty little shit, Ms. Scofield thought, but checked herself and said, "No, Shane, there just weren't enough parts to go around. You know I love to cast you in our productions, but this just wasn't right for you."

"But now it is?"

"Well, all things considered, yes."

"Geez, I don't know. I'm kind of busy these days. You know I'm writing a book?"

"Shane...."

"It's about robots. From the future."

"Shane...."

"They can feel emotions; like love and sadness."

"Darling Shane...."

"The hero robot is named Rusty. He cries a lot."

"Look, you're the only one who could possibly do this. I'm begging you, please."

That's it. Appeal to his ego. Now, give him a warm smile, pull your shoulders back and....

"Okay, Ms. Scofield. I'll do it."

***

The part Shane took over wasn't very involved in the action, so he had plenty of time to screw around backstage with the other secondary actors. During dress rehearsal he and his play-wife, Jody Martin, were rummaging through the prop-room, knowing they wouldn't be cued up for another fifteen or twenty minutes.

"Whoa," Shane exclaimed, "Check it." He'd found a WWI gas mask and turned it over in his hands, trying to figure out how to fit it on his head.

"You know Danielle?" Jody said, wrapping a rainbow boa around her neck. "She said she'd go to the prom with you if you asked."

"Danielle Jonas? Why the hell would she want to go to the prom with me? She doesn't even know me! You're full of shit." Shane bent over and placed the crown of his head in the gas mask's helmet.

"Well, maybe she thinks you're a cool dude and wants to get to know you. Ha!"

Shane struggled and pushed and wedged himself into the prop. "Holy shit," he said, his voice barely discernible behind the hard plastic and metal. "It smells like death in here."

"Anyway," Jody continued. "I told her I'd tell you and I told you so...."

Shane started clawing at the neck of the mask. "Hey! Help! I can't breathe!"

Jody ignored him at first, then heard the genuine rising panic in his voice and saw his eyes bugging behind the Plexiglas visor. She rushed over and started pulling at the helmet.

Eventually, with Shane on hands and knees, and Jody tugging with one foot braced against his shoulder, the mask popped off.

Extracted now, Shane's face was brick red and his ears looked like they'd just been slapped around by David Schultz. He gasped and said, "The prom with me? Is she crazy?"

"You guys are on in like two minutes!" One of their costars called from the doorway.

***

Danielle Jonas had a larger part in the play and was on stage most of the time. Shane watched her from the wings during the next dress rehearsal.

Danielle's most defining characteristic was a luxurious, glorious, flowing mane of platinum blond hair. Untethered, it flowed down her back in waves of soft curls. Braided, it looked like something that could turn lethal in the hands of Indiana Jones. For the play, she wore it coiffed; a huge, beautiful crown dripping gold ribbons.

Aside from that, eh, she was okay. Her face was a long and had an equine quality and she was skinny as a rail with little up top. Plus, she was only a sophomore. Also, to Shane she seemed a trifle dull and humorless. Her contributions to group conversations were rarely insightful or clever and she almost never laughed at his jokes.

Still, unless somebody was lying, she had expressed an interest in going out with him which put her in rare company. Exceedingly rare. In fact, so far the number of girls willing to date Shane during his entire High School career had been one. Her.

So he watched Danielle drift around the stage; hitting her marks, speaking her lines carefully, loudly, and wondered what if...?

"She's got crabs," somebody whispered behind him.

Shane turned and saw Roger Massing - short, greasy hair, thick glasses and flannel shirt. The twerp held the title of Assistant Stage Manager, but really, he was just an awkward student with a ridiculous crush on Ms. Scofield. In a way, it was cruel how the teacher let him hang around all the time, allowing his deviant fantasies to flourish; but on the other hand, he gladly ran all her errands and worked his heart out doing grunt labor on the stage. He was the drama department's perfect little bitch.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Shane scowled down at him.

"Danielle," Roger said, scratching the tip of his nose. "I heard you were going to prom with her. I thought you should know; she's got crabs."

"You're full of shit."

Roger shrugged. "Valerie told Virgil that Danielle uses a special medicated soap after gym class. Virgil told Brett and he told me. The soap is for to take care of crabs. All the girls moved their lockers away from hers."

"Roger, go away," Shane said. "You bother me."

The short geek drifted off to where he could get a better look at Ms. Scofield who was sitting in the audience, taking notes.

Shane continued waiting for his cue, but now there was a black cloud hanging over his head. Sure, crabs. The only girl who had ever even considered him for a date would have to have crabs, wouldn't she? On stage, Danielle collapsed in a chair, hiding her face in her hands, fake-weeping. Under the spotlight, her golden hair looked like a pirate's treasure. And what a shame, Shane thought, if the carpet that matched those drapes was all chewed up and threadbare.

***

Shane steadfastly avoided Danielle over the next few days; easy enough to do during school as they had no classes together, but he also started taking the long way home, walking on the out-of-the-way side streets in case she was cruising the main roads, looking for him.

It was down one of those narrow streets where Shane saw Bobby Bates shooting hoops at a dilapidated park next to the middle school. Shane had time to kill so he dropped his backpack and entered the court. "Yo," he called, holding out his hands for the ball. "Bobby rock."

Bobby delivered a chest-pass. Shane grabbed it and made a running shot. It missed. Bobby rebounded and took the ball outside the arch. Shane went into defense mode for an impromptu one-on-one.

"I hear you're taking Danielle to the prom," Bobby said as he blew right by Shane and scored two.

"What? No. Who told you that?" Shane dribbled around the arch.

Bobby shrugged. "It's all over school. She has crabs, you know."

Shane launched a prayer. It wasn't even close. "Yeah, but, I've been thinking, and that soap could be for any number of things. It doesn't have to mean crabs."

"What soap?"

"The medicated soap. Isn't that what you're talking about?"

"I don't know anything about no soap." Bobby head-faked and scored while Shane was still looking at the sky.

"Well then how do you know she has crabs?"

"She got them from my brother."

"Philip? He's, like, twenty years old!" Shane dribbled off his foot and had to chase the ball down.

"Right. I heard them fighting about it the other night. They're in the basement screaming at each other; he's trying to tell her he got them from a toilette seat. Ha! Oh, she was pissed! Rightfully so, I'd say. Crabs, man. That's a hard-to-scratch itch right there."

"So, if she's dating Philip, why would she go to the prom with me?"

"They're not dating. Just fucking. Besides, he can't take her to the prom, seeing as how he graduated two years ago." Bobby made a one handed rebound from the clumsy shot Shane heaved up.

"This is terrible." Shane watched the ball sail over his head and swish through the hoop. "What am I going to do?"

"Blowjobs," Bobby answered. "From her, anyway. You wouldn't want to go down there, though. I guess you could finger pop her, but I'd wear gloves."

"Thanks," Shane said. Bobby stole the ball, dribbled an unnecessary cross-over, and then drove the lane for a layup.

"Yeah, you don't want to mess with no crabs," Bobby concluded. "With Philip around, I've been taking my dumps at the Farmers' Market just to be safe."

***

Opening night. The play is over, bows have been taken, roses delivered. Backstage the thespians flit about with their costumes half-off; laughing and chatting, hugging and making plans for later.

At one point during the riot, Shane turned, and Danielle was there. "Good job!" she said, grabbing him in a hug. Tight. With one hand pressed against his lower back and the other on his neck.

Shane reciprocated stiffly. "You too."

"Are you going to Lisa's house?" Danielle broke the embrace; her hand now holding his.

"Uh. Yeah. Probably."

"Good." She smiled. "Great. I'll see you there."

***

"So, are you going to ask Danielle to the prom or what?" Julie came through the door of the boy's dressing room without so much as a courtesy knock.

Shane, dressed only in a wife-beater and briefs, squawked and pointed a finger for her to get out.

"Oh, stop being a baby. Like anybody cares." Julie helped herself to a ratty sofa pushed against the wall. "So? Are you?"

"No! Nonononono. No! Out!"

"Too bad," Julie said. She enjoyed Shane's discomfort and her eyes flashed with amusement as she watched him frantically trying to step into his jeans. "Then she's going to have to ask you."

"Why is all of a sudden everybody so goddamned interested in my love life? Jesus!" He fumbled the buttons, got them wrong, tried again.

Julie shrugged. "Like watching a train-wreck, I guess. Anyway, that's what Danielle said. She said if you don't ask her tonight, she's going to ask you tomorrow. Pretty embarrassing, having to be asked to the prom by a girl. A sophomore girl no less."

"Why?" Shane's voice was broke and pleading. "Why is she doing this? I don't even know her!"

"Well, she's got cr-"

"Gah! Yes! I've heard! She's got crabs! What has that got to do with me?"

"I suppose she thinks you're the only one desperate enough to take a sophomore with crabs to the senior prom." Julie tossed Shane his shirt. "I have to give her credit: that is a pretty astute observation coming from one so young."

"Oh, screw you," Shane flopped down on the other side of the sofa. "It's not just the crabs; I don't even think I like Danielle very much, from what little I know about her. What the hell am I going to do?"

"I suppose you could just tell her no."

"Yeah, right. Like I could ever tell any girl no."

"True. After all, half the school already thinks you're gay. Hey, that's an idea - you could ask Virgil to the prom. Then she'd have to leave you alone."

Shane showed Julie his middle finger. "Spin on it." Then he sat up, excited. "Hold on, wait a minute, that just might work!"

"Sure, it'll work. But be careful; Virgil's got the kind of crabs that snap fingers off Norwegian fishermen."

"No! Not Virg. Another girl. Surely there's somebody else I can take to prom...?"

"Oh baby, I hope you're not looking at me. I've already got a date. Besides. Yuk."

"Okay, okay." Shane grabbed her knee. "But think! There must be somebody?"

She swatted his hand away. "Fresh."

"Not fresh. Desperate! You've got a lot of weirdo friends. Hook me up!"

"I run with a free-spirited crowd, yes, but none of them.... Well, now, what about Heather?"

Shane looked at her blankly.

"Heather Lovchin?" Julie prompted.

"Broomhilda?"

"You know you are such a shit. That was like so long ago, but you and everybody else in this petty little town will never let it go. It's a wonder she hasn't really killed herself, with how supportive everybody's been."

"Cool your jets. I didn't say no."

"Oh, well, thank you for deigning to even consider thinking of her as a human being. You know what," Julie rose to leave, "Forget it. You're on your own."

"Come on, Julie." Shane followed, pleading. "I know how it is. People around here still talk about how much paste I used to eat in elementary school. They throw glitter at me thinking it'll stick. Look, I'm sorry I called her Broomhilda, all right? I didn't think. But you have to admit - she's kind of... well... she keeps to herself."

"Have you ever tried to draw her out? Talk to her? Treat her decent?"

"Oh, you know what, yes I have. When we were in Mrs. Stevens' English class. We were in that group project together and I was very nice to her. Even still. She probably didn't say more than two words to me the entire time."

"So, you would go to prom with her?"

"Yes! Well, maybe. I don't know. I'm having these Carrie flashbacks now-"

Julie pulled away. Shane cut her off. "Joking! I'm joking. Jesus."

"Okay, Shane. What do you want me to do?"

"Well, just.... Ask her if she'll go to the prom with me."

Julie gave Shane a withering look.

"Okay, what I mean is," Shane continued, "ask her if I were to ask her to the prom if she'd say yes. Yes?"

"Are you still stuck in the fifth grade?" Julie asked.

"Duh! All that paste I ate? Of course I am!"

***

The next day, as everybody was arriving to prepare for another performance, Shane waited in the parking-lot for Julie. When he saw Danielle's tomato red convertible driving up the road, he ducked behind a dumpster. He kept an eye out while she gathered her things and breathed a sigh of relief after she entered the school.

Shortly, Julie pulled up in a royal blue K-Car. Shane trotted over to greet her.

"So?" he asked, taking her bag. "What'd she say?"

"Well," Julie arched an eyebrow in his direction. "She didn't say yes."

"Okay? What's that mean?"

"You told me you treated her nice in Mrs. Stevens' English class."

"Yeah?"

"That's not the way she remembers it. She thinks you hate her."

Shane dropped the bag. Then scooped it up again. "What in God's green hell are you talking about?"

"She said you teased her a lot. You made her cry."

Shane lost all words. He stood there flat footed, stammering.

"Right," Julie took his arm and started for the school. "I know you better than to think you'd do something like that. You're a retard and a fool, but you're not mean. So, I told her you were probably just goofing off and she took it the wrong way."

"Of course!" Shane exclaimed. "I wouldn't... make her cry? I wouldn't do that! I don't remember her crying at all."

"She waited until she got home for the waterworks. Anyway, she agreed that she might have been overly sensitive. Also, I reaffirmed just how much of an ass-clown you are, and she could see how that's probably what happened. You were just being an idiot."

"Well, sure. Yes. I mean, God. I made her cry? How?"

"Oh, she hardly remembers. It's not important. Anyway, I told her you were interested in taking her to the prom and she did this," Julie bobbed her head both up and down and side to side at the same time.

"What does that mean?"

"I've no idea. I guess you'll just have to go talk to her yourself."

"Sure. Man, I feel sick that I made her cry." Shane looked so upset, Julie patted him on the back and stroked his shoulder.

"She's over it by now. Go talk to her."

"Do you have her phone number?"

"She'll be here tonight. I asked her to stick around after the show, so maybe you can get with her then."

"Okay, thanks Julie." Shane shuffled away, feeling low.

***

Shane was still in costume as he jogged across the school's parking-lot, waving both arms at a Chevette that was reversing out of a spot. The car's brake lights flared then went dark as it stopped. Shane moved quickly to the driver's side window and tapped on the glass.

The window came down. "Heather!" Shane knelt to look in the car. "Julie said you were leaving, thank God I caught you!"

Shane took in a sharp breath when he saw Heather bathed in the glow of the dashboard lights. Walking under the harsh fluorescents of the school halls with her head permanently hung, face obscured by a curtain of tangled hair, Shane had passed by Heather countless times without ever actually seeing her. Now, in the dark of night, with an ethereal light cast upon her countenance, Shane realized that this strange creature who had been the subject of so many terrible rumors and cruel jokes throughout the years had grown into a stunningly beautiful young woman.

Her long, blue-black hair had been combed out and tucked behind her ears. It was smooth and alluring as velvet; Shane's hands twitched at the thought of running it through his fingers. Exposed, her face was a delicate heart, the skin smooth with a dusky complexion. Her eyes were wide and dark; curious and warm. There was even a chocolate-drop beauty mark above her cupid-bow lips. As if to counter these almost impossibly flawless features, her nose had a slight hump. Ah, but the actual effect of that imperfection made her adorable. Shane had to resist the temptation to lean in and plant a kiss on that cute schnoz.

"Are you okay?" Heather asked.

"Oh." Shane snapped out of it. "Yeah. All that running - whew! I'm not used to that much exercise."

Heather smiled politely.

"Hey," Shane said. "Can I...? Well. Can you wait here for a minute? No, never-mind. Did you want to go get an ice-cream or something?"

"I don't know," Heather checked the clock on the dash. "It's kind of late."

"Winstead's is open. I'll buy you a 'scaper?" Heather pursed her lips and started to shake her head. "Or just a coco?" Shane pushed, desperate.

"Okay," she relented.

"Great!" Shane patted the door. "Can you drive? My moms got the car tonight."

***

"I would've waited for you to change," Heather said. They were sitting at a booth in Winstead's, Shane still done up in a late 1800's costume; stiff, cardboard collar, ruffled shirt, pinstripe brown vest and top coat with tails and matching trousers. Pearl buttons and cuff-links. The only thing missing, fortunately, was the stovepipe top hat which he'd left in the car.

There weren't many other customers in the diner at this hour - mostly older people going to or from night shifts - but all of them gave Heather and Shane a double-take. The attention made her uncomfortable.

"Thanks, but I couldn't risk it. I really have to talk with you."

The waitress came by with their coco, she smirked again at the get-up, and left.

"Shane," Heather said, wrapping her hands around her mug. "Julie told me you were going to ask me to the prom and -"

"-Wait, later for that," Shane interrupted. "First I want to apologize. Julie told me about how upset I made you when we did that project for Ms. Stevens? Honest to God, Heather, I had no idea. I know I run my stupid mouth too much, but I never, ever would have tried to hurt you deliberately. I can't even remember what I said, but I'm very sorry for it, whatever it was."

Heather lifted a shoulder, "Thanks, Shane. It was a misunderstanding on my part. No big deal."

"But what was it? Do you remember?"

Heather tucked her chin down and Shane worried that he'd lost her. Then she lifted her eyes and said, "You had taken charge the project and were delegating tasks?"

"Yes?"

"So, you were telling everybody what to research and who to talk to, and you made a comment about how great it would've been to interview this one scientist, but he had died recently. So, then you asked if I could talk to him anyway. Something like that."

Shane flopped back against the padded seat. "Jesus," he said. "I remember now. Oh, Heather, that's awful. I'm so sorry. I don't know if you believe this - it's weird, looking back on it, I'm not even sure I can believe it - but I honestly don't think I meant it like that. I sometimes say things without... understanding how they'll be heard. Does that make sense?"

Heather tilted her chin for a reply.

"Can you forgive me?" Shane asked.

"Yes," she decided. Then smiled wryly. "Worse things have been said to me."

Shane surprised himself by reaching across the table and taking her hand. It was warm from the coco. He held it for a while and said, "Thank you."

She lowered her eyes again, pulled her hand back, and set it on her lap.

Shit, Shane thought. I've lost her.

"I know why you want to go to the prom with me," Heather said.

"Forget about it, Heather. Taking you to the prom was just another one of my stupid ideas. Wait. No. See? There it is again - my big mouth." Shane ground his teeth together. "Someday somebody will invent a time machine and I'll go back and shoot myself in the head on the day I'm born. That's the only cure for my kind of idiocy."

"Don't say that," Heather said softly, almost a whisper. Under the table, one hand rubbed the thick ridge of a scar that ran across her wrist.

Shane clenched his upper-lip between his teeth. He tried to imagine how he could fuck this up any more and decide that was impossible.

"You're beautiful," he said on an impulse, and then immediately thought - Hey, there it is! You did figure out a way to fuck it up even more. Congratulations.

Heather, shocked, looked at him with her mouth agape. Shane, just as shocked, stared back with wide, terrified eyes.

"I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't mean...." He clamped his mouth shut and closed his eyes. This was spiraling out of control.

"You didn't mean what?" Heather said, after what seemed like an eternity of silence. "That I'm beautiful?"

Shane risked opening his eyes. Heather sat across from him, her perfect lips smiling mischievously. Her hands were back on the table.

Shane exhaled. "No, I meant that. What I didn't mean was to come across like a pathetic loser. I'm really bad at this kind of thing, or had you noticed?"

"I'm sure I'm not the best at it either," she replied.

"Can I ask you something?"

Heather nodded.

"Will you go out on a date with me? Not the prom, just a date. A diner, a movie. Conversation that isn't so weird. Hopefully not as weird?"

"I'd like that," she said.

Emboldened, Shane took her hand again. This time she left it there for him to hold. And, after a while, she reached over with her other hand and took his, making Shane's heart flutter.

"But does this mean," she said, "that you're not asking me to the prom?"

Shane opened his mouth to blurt out an answer, closed it, gave himself a moment to formulate a correct response, and then replied, "See what I did there? I thought before speaking. I need to make a habit of doing that. So, to answer your question - fuck no, I'm not not asking you to the prom! I want to go with you! But I don't want you thinking that I'm just using you to avoid going with Danielle, because I'm not. Or I wouldn't be. I mean, yes, I was going to be, but not now. Ah shit. Looks like I should've taken even more time before speaking."

Heather laughed. "Julie told me about the thing with Danielle," she said. "But you know what else she said? She told me that even though you can be... imprudent... you've got a decent heart."

"She called me imprudent? That bitch."

"She thought," Heather continued, "and I agreed, that it would be good for me to get out of the house and be with people for a change. To experience my senior prom, like a normal person. Or as normal as possible with Shane Muncie as my date."

"Remind me to thank her for that."

"So, I'd pretty much decided I would go, if you asked," Heather admitted.

She squeezed his hands affectionately, then broke away to drink some coco.

"How long have we known each other?" Shane asked. "At school? All twelve years, I'm sure, even though I only really remember the last eight. So, it's strange, but I feel as if I'm meeting you for the first time tonight."

Heather lowered her eyes. The past had a way of making her uncomfortable.

Shane noticed the change in her demeanor and changed tracks, "Here's to fresh starts." He held up his drink for a toast. Heather smiled and tapped her mug against his.

"Fresh starts," she echoed.

***

In short time, the romance between Shane and Heather became the talk of Edwardsville High. Everybody had a comment about it; mostly spoken in whispers away from the ears of the subjects at large. The overall consensuses being that it was neat the two misfits had found each other. Hilarious, and more than a little creepy, but neat.

***

Shane folded the garment bag over his arm and rang the doorbell of Heather's house. He bounced on his heels while he waited, transferring the shoe-box he was carrying from one hand to the other to burn nervous energy. When Heather opened the door, he saw an expression on her face that caused him to ask, "What's wrong?"

She placed her hands on his shoulders, rose up on her toes, and kissed him on the lips. It was brief and awkward because his hands and arms were loaded with clothing, but it was their first kiss.

And, when it was over, Shane said, "Hi."

Heather laughed and pulled him inside. "I heard what you did today."

"What I what?" He entered the house dazed. Heather lived in a meticulously clean, one story ranch with modern furniture and art hanging on the walls. Like Shane, she stayed with one parent - her father - but he was a high-ranking military officer and rarely around. They had the place to themselves.

"The fight with Virgil?" She took the garment bag and draped it over the back of a white leather sofa. The shoe-box got dropped to the floor.

"That? That was nothing."

She crushed her body against his and, unburdened, he wrapped his arms around her tight. When she lifted her chin, he met her lips with his and they held each other like that for a good, long time.

When the embrace finally broke, Heather licked her lips and said, "Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before, Shane. You have no idea how much...." She placed her cheek against his chest.

Earlier that day at school, unaware that Shane was behind him, Virgil had made a crack that, if Shane and Heather ever had a child, it would be like a cross between the Omen and Weird Al Yankovic.

And then Shane had tossed him against a wall of lockers and shoved a forearm under his chin.

The fight had been broken up quick by a nearby teacher and both combatants claimed it was just a gag, so no punishments were handed out, nevertheless, word must have gotten around.

"Thank you," Heather said. And then she lifted her eyes to meet his. "But you really can't go around doing stuff like that."

"Um. Okay." Shane stroked her hair. "Are you aware that this is kind of coming across as somewhat of a mixed message?"

She took him by the hand and led him to the sofa. They sat close enough so their legs were touching. She held both his hands in her lap. "Virgil is your best friend."

"He's a dick."

"No, he's not. He just said something stupid." Heather grinned. "Now I know that's never happened to you, right?"

"Right," Shane nodded.

"You should apologize to him."

"Oh, no...."

"Shane," Heather sat up straight and grew serious. "This is my fresh start, remember? I don't want to be the freak everybody whispers about. So, let them talk about me out loud. That can't hurt me anymore. See, I've got a pretty cool boyfriend now, and he must think I'm okay."

"He thinks you're wonderful." Shane squeezed her hand. "But this is my fresh start, too. I'm done with being the class clown; a walking punch-line. Besides, I've got an awesome, beautiful girlfriend now. She must think I'm not a total ass."

Heather tucked her legs up and lunged into Shane, pushing him on his back. He swung his legs onto the sofa and she laid on top of him. "She thinks you're great," Heather said, then smothered his mouth with hers.

Heather came up on her elbows, her pelvis pressed against his stomach, and looked Shane in the eyes. "A compromise," she said.

"Okay?"

"No more fighting for me unless it's, like, really, really bad. Like a threat or something." She ran a finger over his lips.

Shane caught the finger between his teeth then let it go. "Okay. But I get to decide what is really, really bad."

"Okay, but you have to promise to think about it first. Remember when you said you were going to start thinking before speaking? Same thing. Because, actually," Heather tilted her head and smiled, "a cross between the Omen and Weird Al Yankovic? That is kind of funny."

"God, I love you," Shane said. His eyes grew wide with panic when he saw the shocked reaction those words elicited. "Oh."

Heather kissed him again, passionately, her tongue pushing between his lips, playing over his teeth. She moved her mouth to his neck, nibbling and kissing around his collar. Her lips found his ear and she whispered, "I love-Ouch!"

The garment bag had slid off the back of the sofa and its heavy wooden hanger thumped Heather on her head.

***

"My mother used to be a fashion model," Heather explained. "Before she married my father."

They were in the attic looking at multiple racks of fancy dresses that were sealed up in see-through plastic bags. There must have been over a hundred outfits hanging on the pipes. Shane whistled low.

"Wow."

"Yeah. She was beautiful." The attic was lit by one hanging 60-watt bulb and it swayed slightly from having been turned on. Waves of light washed over Heather's face. She unzipped a bag and pulled out the sleeve of a red satin gown, softly stroking the fabric with her fingers.

Shane had never seen anything so sad and lovely.

"Do you have any pictures of her?" he asked.

"No," Heather shook her head. "I used to have some magazines with her, but no. They're all gone now. My dad threw everything away. Except these dressed. They're worth a lot of money, or so he says."

The sorrow in her voice and the way her shoulders slumped caused an unfamiliar ache in Shane's chest. He wished he was smart enough to say or do something that would make her happy, but he knew better than to try. Instead, he just went to her side and gently held her hand.

She leaned into him. When he looked down, she was smiling.

Hey now, sometimes the boy gets lucky.

"Did you want to go someplace else?" Shane asked. "I can get you a new dress."

"It's okay. I'm fine." She kissed the back of his hand. "Thank you."

Heather took the garment bag Shane had brought with him and hung it on a pipe. She tugged down the zipper exposing the blue tuxedo with a robins' egg pin striped vest, ruffled shirt, and emerald ascot and said, "Oh my."

"I borrowed it from my uncle," Shane said. "He used to be in some kind of bee-bop choir in college. Hey, if it's too hideous, let me know. I can rent something."

"It is wonderful!" Heather exclaimed. "And we're going to find the perfect dress to match. Come, help me look."

They browsed through the racks together; laughing at the outdated fashions, marveling at timeless classics. Having fun, the time flew. Night fell, and the porthole attic window grew dark. They still hadn't found the right dress.

"Hey, check this," Shane used both hands to make a separation in a line of clothes. Behind them was another line of dresses that had, until now, been hidden because it was cramped up between the rack and the wall.

"Let me see," Heather said, stepping through the opening Shane had made. He followed her and used his bulk to push the rack away, so they'd have some room. Heather ran her hands over the hangers then stopped. She clamped the hand over her mouth. Tears spilled from her eyes.

"Heather?" Shane asked.

She took a simple, white dress from the rack. It had a lace collar and one large blue flower print on the side. "Oh," Heather moaned. "Oh, Shane. I remember this one from before...."

She sat on the floor, cradling the dress. Shane sat next to her. He put an arm across her shoulders, but she hardly acknowledged his presence. She wept silently.

***

In the light of day, responsible adults would tell you about the Lovchin family. It was quite a story: Sarah Lovchin - the beautiful wife and mother - ran off with a charismatic hippy. She took her young daughter with them to California where they lived in some horrible commune for a year or so. Alan Lovchin - the devoted father - hired a lawyer to claim sole custody of the child and had her brought back to Kansas. Good thing, too, because a sensitive girl like Heather really needed a stable home life.

However, at night, after drinks, those same adults related a different story. This one they told in whispers and with raised eyebrows; unaware that their children's ears were big enough to catch the hushed words. Then later, beneath the prison-bar shadows of the jungle-gym in the school's playground, the children interpreted the events in their own voices:

Heather's mom is a witch! She and Heather were living in this coven where they worshiped Satan and Heather saw all these human sacrifices and stuff. They were going to sacrifice her too, because, you know she's a virgin and all, but her dad hired these army guys to go in and rescue her. Kind of like the A-Team. But Heather, man, she really got messed up. Like possessed or something. She kept trying to run away to go back so they could sacrifice her. She even tried to kill herself! Anyway, they put her on all these pills now, so she's okay.

Unless the pills stop working....

\***

"I'm sorry," Heather said, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I'm a mess."

"Hey," Shane held her close. "It's okay."

She swallowed then exhaled through her nose. She turned away. "I should go wash my face."

Shane used two fingers on her chin to gently bring her back. "Here," he said, tugging out the bottom of his shirt and offering it too her. She buried her face in the fabric, then sighed deeply. She left her head resting against his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

"I miss her sometimes," Heather said. "The way she was before...."

"Do you think she'll ever come back?" Shane asked, stoking her hair.

Heather's hands clenched into tight balls and her body went ridged.

"Heather?" Shane said. "What's wrong."

"No," she sobbed. She started to tremble. "Oh God, no!"

"Hey, Heather," Shane pushed her away so he could see her face. Her eyes were wild with panic, intensely focused on a spot behind Shane's back.

Shane turned to look. He saw nothing at first, then, after checking Heather's eyes again, figured she was staring at a robe, or a cloak, that was hanging on one of the beams. The garment was pitch black and looked like it was made from heavy wool.

"What...?" Heather's trembling reached near seizure level intensity and she started to whine. Shane held her by the shoulders. "Heather! What's wrong."

She threw out an arm and pointed. Shane whipped his head around.

The black robe took flight. It flapped over their heads, made a wide circle, and then wrapped itself around the hanging light-bulb, casting the attic in total darkness.

Shane grabbed Heather desperately, trying to cover every inch of her with his body to protect her.

There was a tinkling sound - the light-bulb breaking - then deathly silence.

Perfect darkness; perfect silence.

Shane waited for his senses to adjust. His eyes would soon catch the ambient light from the window; his ears would open to the hum and flow of the house. Then he could get them to safety.

"Heather?" Shane whispered, rubbing his hands over her back. "Heather?"

At first, she didn't respond. Then, she made a low humming sound. She moved out from under his arms and stood up.

"Heather!" he cried in a panic. Impossible, but there was still no light whatsoever. If she stepped away, he would lose her in the darkness. He reached for her and she took his hand. She pulled him up.

Still, she would not reply to his voice.

She started walking, tugging him along behind. Again, it was impossible! Even with no light, Shane knew there were obstacles all around. There was no way Heather could navigate in this pitch, but somehow, they were moving towards a destination.

She stopped. Shane kept talking, trying to get her to reply, but she had no words for him. She took his hand, raised it, and placed it against something smooth.

Shane rubbed. It felt like glass, set in a circular wooden frame. The window, then. But how...? There would be streetlights or stars beyond. The world outside could not be this devoid of light.

Heather put her hand over his and pressed down on one finger. Shane focused at the area. There - assuming this was the window - in the sky above: a pinprick of light. Infinitesimally small, but red and shining.

Then, next to it, another pinprick flared. Same size, same color.

Like eyes. Gazing down on them from the void.

***

It has the same blood as sorcerers and madmen. Blood calls to blood.

Madmen have thick tongues and clumsy lips and cannot respond. They fill their heads with nonsense and line their veins with addictions because they so desire to hear the name of their master but are eternally frustrated by their own incompetence.

Sorcerers have Its name tattooed on their blood, but they have forgotten the language. They are confused by the call; their blood pulses, catches fire, some try to call forth the answer with sacrifice and ritual, but these efforts are futile.

The response is just below their skin.

\***

From madmen It expects obedience.

From sorcerers It requires recognition.

Not all have forgotten. One must say Its name. One sorcerer will have the tongue, and a madman will open his ears.

\***

Standing next to Shane it the absence of all light, Heather spoke.

And Shane took in a sharp breath of air.

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