#all four a healthy mix of comedy and ''what the FUCK was that''

[waitineedaname]

I think I need to make a giant venn diagram between homestuck, hlvrai, svsss, and orv

[who1ssheesh]

Have I ever requested fluff Squalo prompts? But if you’ve already wrote that you can skip this

Fluff Squalo promts

Notes: im a fucking animal and forgot where I’ve got those promts 💀 I also tried to get AI to fix my disgusting grammar but looks like it doesn’t want to correct my swears so deal with with and cry with bloody tears. Idk if those are good tho, Xanxus ones were smoother to write

Warnings: swearing, OOC, not proofread I die like I die. A little sad drop in the end. Basically that’s it, just shmoll everyday stuff

• “Stop hugging me”

• “I can’t hear you”

•“If you don’t stop hugging me, I’ll make sure you won’t be able to use your hands again”

"Stop hugging me," Squalo growls, because you are being such a pain in the ass, and he needs to do a ton of the stupid paperwork instead of his boss, because apparently Xanxus is in a depressive episode again.

“Did you say something?”, you mumble in his neck, and Squalo shivers a bit, which makes you smile. "I can’t hear you”.

"If you don’t stop hugging me, I’ll make sure you won’t be able to use your hands again”.

“Aw-w-w. Will we have matching prostheses?”

Squalo, being an awkward dork he is, blushes even at this, but doesn’t say anything anymore.

(WHAT IF WE BOTH CUT OUR HANDS OFF UWU)

• “You. Me. Friday night.”

You are lucky to get the attention of such a man out of all the people in the bar. Tall and strong, sharp face features with wild eyes almost hunting you like a prey, and hair - oh, his hair…

You feel you heartbeat in your ears, when comes your way, and a smirk appears unwillingly on your face. Some people eye after him, and you just know they want to be in your place.

“You. Me. Friday night”, he slams his hand on the table, as is not even considering you refusing the offer.

“For fucks sake, Squalo, we are already dating”.

His loud wheezing laugh is everything but hot.

•”You smell nice.”

Context to this: in one game Squalo has a quote “Boss threw a pot of meat at me. I’ve washed my hair for three times but it still smells like a soy sauce” (or smth like that) and complains about his hair falling out

You sigh in defeat at a comedy of the situation: Squalo got just a day off in quite some time and you haven’t seen him in hours because…he has been in a bathroom. Four times, to be precise, and every time his hair dries, Squalo, being a clean freak he is about them, gets hysterical, leaving to watch them again.

“You okay, babyboy?”, you look at him with all the desperation in your eyes.

“The fuck you say-“

“Babyman?”

“VOI!”

You stroke his wet hair as you pass by, just to see a bunch of white strand stay between your fingers…way too much to be healthy.

“You sure you’re okay?”

Squalo doesn’t even respond, getting so uncharacteristically quiet and pale as a chalk you could believe it’s an impostor.

You smile awkwardly as you sense a faint smell of soy sauce. “You…smell nice”.

And you are unironically terrified as Squalo still looks at you completely silent with an empty void in his eyes.

“It’s fine, I’ll help you wash them this time”, you kiss his cheek, absolutely not implying Squalo is surprisingly pretty shit at taking care of his hair. “You just need a vacation to relax”.

“Yeah, I should consider this”, he presses his cheek to yours.

“You are vacuuming the floor today though”.

Squalo screams in your ear and feels guilty after since you didn’t hear anything for three days.

•”As if I could forget your birthday.”

•”I was looking forward to seeing you all week.”

You know Squalo is busy, to say the least. And you knew what you’re getting into with him, no way you are trying to blame him…But it still stings a little bit, knowing he is away on a mission, mixed with a never ending fear in the back of your mind that you can never see him again.

You jump at a metallic dinging in the door interrupting a suffocating silence, and run straight to it after hearing loud cursing you know all too well.

Squalo is disheveled. You don’t even think about presents and all that triviality when he is beaten up, battered, his hair dirty and all over his face and so out of breath.

He smashes the door loudly behind him, leans against it and tiredly sighs.

“Did you come here right after the mission?”, you can’t help but smile widely.

Squalo smirks and chuckles, “As if I could forget your birthday”.

You almost throw yourself in him, pretty sure he would fall if not for the door, and Squalo hugs you tightly in return, almost suffocatingly tight.

“I was looking forward to seeing you all week”, and he sounds so….quiet, as if shy.

Squalo is glad you keep hugging him and bury your nose in the crook of his neck, because he doesn’t want you to see his way too happy and lovesick smile.

• “Your eyes are so blue.”

Squalo is very loud and actually very chatty but still very…distant. Even for you, which makes you anxious often enough. He always needs alone time for a bit and you can hear metallic sounds - even resting and “clearing his head” for Squalo requires something useful to do, and obviously what can he enjoy more than his swords?

But sometimes he’s just…silent. You can swear he just looks at nothing and smokes way too much again, and you can’t remember how it resolves, because by the times Squalo “returns” you are asleep, and in the morning usual Superbia is back on track.

“You’re not sleeping”

“Yeah…” you know getting up for work in the morning will be a bit of a problem but here we are. And maybe it would be better to stick to your usual schedule than seeing him…like this. Because your heart aches.

Squalo has his hair all over, and it was supposed to be a ponytail somewhere in the morning. He smells like tobacco so much, and his eyes are red from being awake for so long. Hell, he even doesn’t have his prosthesis on, which is a huge thing for Squalo - he has some shtick, not letting anyone see him without a “missing part”.

“You okay?”

“Yes”.

“You sure?”

Squalo eyes dart right through you, but all he does in return is bite his lips, not answering.

“I just…though I could help”, you sound almost scared and meek, not knowing how far is too far. “Your eyes are so blue”.

You do not have the courage to look at him and the continuing silence is scary. What is surprising is that Squalo just….looks at you with eyes open wide and very stupidly confused.

“My eyes are grey”.

“That’s not what I mean, you dummy”.

“Then why should they be blue?”

In two minutes regular Superbia is back and you regret this, because he is screaming at the top of his lungs that “being blue” sounds fucking stupid and shouldn’t exist.

But next time Squalo inevitably becomes too depressed and uncertain in his life he is sure to hint you that…he thinks his eyes are blue. Just a bit.

[alleiradayne]

Hello, I Love You

Summary: Sam is cast as Romeo in his college play and Natalie is his stage manager. When he asks her to read lines with him, she’s not quite sure what to make of it. Square Filled: Romeo and Juliet AU Warnings/Tags: Fluff, angst Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester/Natalie Murphy Word Count: 2,824 A/N: For @spnfluffbingo2019, this fills the square Romeo and Juliet AU. Thank you, as always, to @atc74 for beta’ing. Song: Hello, I Love You by The Doors

Love is heavy and light,  bright and dark, hot and cold, sick and healthy, asleep and awake.

Lips parted in thought, Sam paused for a breath, then rounded on his friends.

It's everything it’s—

“Okay, hold there.”

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Don't pause. Just keep rambling, he's despondent and sulking and whining about Rosaline. He's not… musing. He's not happy. Didn’t you read this in high school?”

Sam's glare nearly bored a hole into the director. “I performed it in high school.”

“Then you should know this shit,” Mr. Skinner groaned. “How old are you. Eighteen? You're a freshman?”

Natalie winced with her cast mates, and a groan drew Sam’s glare.

“I'm twenty-one, sir. I'm a grad student,” Sam stated. “I've been in the last four of your—”

“Right, you know what you're doing. Prove it.” Mr. Skinner flopped back into his chair and waved a flippant hand at the stage. When no one moved, he glared over his glasses and shouted, “Well?! Reset! Don't you all have… I don't know, homework to do?”

Everyone on stage but Sam leaped into motion, eager to please Mr. Skinner. After a long moment, Sam turned for stage left and stalked towards Natalie.

“I thought the pause was great,” she stated. “Romeo's flustered. He might take a beat at the end of his rambling to finish his thought.”

At least he smiled. “Thanks,” he muttered. “This show better not turn out like MacBeth did last semester.”

That show. Natalie groaned as she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Liz said production was a hot mess. She’ll never let me live it down that I got cast in that one.”

Sam laughed as he watched the scene restart, their Mercucio taking the stage. “Why didn't you audition for this one?”

Heat stung her cheeks at the memory. “I did. For Juliet. I know this play by heart.”

Sam's brow quirked towards his hairline. “You didn't get the part?”

“I'm Miss Amy’s understudy,” she mocked in her irritated sing song voice.

“Oh,” Sam mused with a smile, “Yeah. I heard about her ‘audition’.”

“Whatever,” she drawled with a sigh. “It's fine, I love stage production. It'll be fun to work this one. You’re up.”

Sam turned back to the stage and smiled. “Should I pause again?”

She clamped a hand over her mouth as her barking laugh nearly ruined the scene. After a quick check of the stage, she muttered from behind her fingers, “Do it.”

His too pretty smile turned into a wicked grin as he strolled onto the stage. The scene progressed with his entrance, and Natalie attempted to take notes, but she could hardly concentrate. Though the entire conversation with Sam had lasted only a minute, her heart raced, and her palms sweat. Over the years they had worked together—whether acting, studying, or pontificating—Sam Winchester had always left Natalie wanting more.

She turned her back in preparation for the next entrance, forcing herself to concentrate on her work. Hopefully, the next two hours of rehearsal kept her busy and away from Sam, lest she finally make a fool of herself.

Madam, an hour before the worshipped sun Peered forth the golden window of the east, A troubled mind drove me to walk abroad, Where, underneath the grove of sycamore That westward rooteth from this city side, So early walking did I see your son. Towards him I made, but he was 'ware of me And stole into the covert of the wood. I, measuring his affections by my own, Which then most sought where most might not be found, Being one too many by my weary self, Pursued my humor not pursuing his, And gladly shunned who gladly fled from me

“He’s great,” Sam whispered.

Natalie rubbed her arms and pulled her sweater tighter around her shoulders. “He is. Delivery could use a little kick in the pants, but other than projection, William is an excellent Benvolio.”

“Sure, that’s—” he started, but paused as Natalie continued to rub her arms. Something had upset her. Not that Natalie was the most cheerful person. But over their undergrad and now well into their graduate programs together, Sam had learned a great deal about her. Hell, she probably knew him better than any of his friends. But that would be expected of actors constantly working together. Rehearsals and running lines and discussing delivery, intent, emotion. All of it amounted to a very close, near intimate bond.

Except Sam felt much stronger about her than he cared to admit to anyone. Especially Natalie. But as she glared at William out on the stage reciting his soliloquy to close out the rehearsal, her dark stare and hunched shoulders said more than words could.

He leaned into her and asked, “Are you alright?”

Natalie dropped her hands to her sides with a flustered scoff, but she made no move to separate herself from him. “I’m fine,” she demanded.

He leaned closer still and whispered, “Are you sure?”

Any subtler and he might have missed it, but a shiver coursed through her entire body. “I’m… I’m fine, Sam. What are you doing?”

“I wanted to ask you something,” he started as an excuse manifested in the middle of his thought. “I don’t want anyone to overhear.”

A pink hue colored her cheeks as she sucked a breath deep into her lungs. “What is it?”

“Would you want to read lines with me tonight?”

She rounded on him with a wide stare. “Why?”

“Because you know Juliet’s lines,” Sam said with a shrug.

Natalie turned back to the stage. “So does Amy. You two should practice. She’s your leading lady, you need to make it convincing with her.”

“She said she was busy this week studying for calculus,” he sighed.

Natalie quirked a brow at him. “You could just wait until she's available.”

Shit. Maybe he had read her wrong. The sudden worry that all their previous interactions were less than he had imagined sickened him. “Okay, so it’s an excuse to hang out. I miss reading lines with you. Macbeth, Twelfth Night, Midsummer! They were so much fun.”

A small smile curled her lips. “You made quite the Ass.”

“And you were the perfect Titania.”

That hit a little too close to the truth. Natalie stared at him once more, silent but scrutinizing his countenance. Did she know? He had envied Oberon in that production. But as the playwright-turned-donkey, he had shared a scene with Natalie, and though it hit the intended comedic beats, there was something to be said about her laying across his lap as she fed him grain from a burlap bag.

He wondered if she still had her purple fairy fishnet dress.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

The memory vanished in a wisp of smoke as Sam shook his head. “Eh… nothing. Will you come over?”

For a terrible second, Sam thought she would decline. But then she asked, “What time?”

“Seven?”

She nodded. “I’ll be there at seven. You’re on.”

Relief washed over him as he clasped her shoulder. He gave it a gentle squeeze, then slipped past her for the stage. “Thanks. See you later.”

That time he felt it. Through that innocent touch, a shiver coursed through her body and into his. Maybe, he hoped, just maybe he hadn’t been so wrong about her after all.

“Oh.”

Sam returned from the tiny kitchen with water and found Natalie pouring over his copy of the script. “What?”

She pointed to the page. “This scene?” she asked as she dropped onto the couch. “It's… so overrated.”

Sam gestured with her glass and she took it from him. “I need to practice. Mr. Skinner is gonna chew me a new one again if I don’t nail it in rehearsal later this week.”

Natalie nodded as she grunted in agreement. “The problem isn't really you though. You need to make it sound convincing when you’re saying all this… shit to Amy.”

Sam sat beside her as he set his glass of water on the table. “Shit?”

A derisive snort burst from her nose as she rolled her eyes. “It’s terrible tripe. Saccharin sweet. They’re teenagers and have no idea what love is, and yet, they die for each other over a minute of infatuation.”

Great. Sam could have kicked himself then. How had he not known? Given her audition for Juliet, he had assumed she loved the play. He backpedaled as hard and quick as he could think. “I think maybe that was Shakespeare's point. Given all of his other comedies, tragedies, and romances, he was constantly commenting on social and political constructs. Maybe the mere concept of destined soulmates pissed him off enough to write about two star-crossed lovers dying for each other.”

It wasn't as if they had never sat so close together. Hell, Sam had, so many times before that night, rest his head in her lap as she played with his hair while they rehearsed Midsummer. And he remembered losing himself in her icy blue stare so many times. But of late he had forgotten that sensation, that chill as it raced down his spine and numbed his fingers and toes when her gaze met his. She stared openly, unabashed as she searched his own eyes, but for what he did not know. Each little twitch of her stare flitted from one spot to the next—his hair, his nose, his throat—then came to rest on his lips. His own eyes slipped to hers, full and parted in a subtle, silent “oh” as though she were shocked to see him so close, closer than ever before even though it wasn't true.

“You have very… colorful eyes.”

“... Heterochromia.”

The moment shattered like so many tiny pieces of glass. “What?”

“I… uh. My eyes. Heterochromia. That’s why there’s some green and brown hazel mixed in the center of the blue and grey,” Sam explained through a sigh.

“They’re captivating,” Natalie started. “I've always wondered why they looked that way.”

That had caught him flat-footed. “Really?”

Natalie shrunk away as though suddenly self-aware. “Yeah… um, never mind. Forget I said anything, I was just rambling. Should we get to this?” she asked as she pointed to the script.

Resigned, Sam nodded.

“Alright. Take it away, Romeo,” she directed as she swung open an imaginary set of balcony windows.

Sam slipped from his spot on the couch in a fit of inspiration and sat on the floor so that he might look up to Natalie as though she truly stood on a balcony above him.

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

A part of him agreed with Natalie. Shakespear’s Romeo wore love on his sleeves and acted on impulse, like a lovestruck, moody teen. Whereas Juliet was levelheaded and, while equally infatuated with Romeo after such a brief meeting, wanted to leave things where they were, given issues between their families.

A thousand times the worse to want thy light Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books, But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.

And yet, as Sam continued through the clichés and romantic tropes, the less he felt as though he were reciting the lines and the more he felt as though he spoke from the heart. The longer he stared into Natalie's brilliant blue gaze, the deeper he fell. Sure, Romeo might be immature, but he had some incredible pickup lines.

It is my soul that calls upon my name. How silver-sweet sound lovers’ tongues by night, Like softest music to attending ears!

Sam couldn't help but wonder how Natalie felt. He held her hands in his and waited, her line a beat behind his but she remained silent. There was no way she had forgotten her line. He had seen her reciting them in the wings as he rehearsed with Amy. He wondered if she thought the pause poignant, to create some melodramatic tension befitting only Shakespeare. She seemed to be a fan of his subtle rhythm of delivery, rising and falling with his natural breath. Her own chest spilled over her arms as she drew air into her lungs and, at long last, said her line.

“I love you.”

The entire world stopped as though grasped in the hands of a mighty titan. For a second, Sam thought he had misheard her, but the sound of her voice looped like a broken record in his mind until the weight of it settled in the pit of his stomach. And for all Sam's talents, he knew without a doubt he had many faults, oblivious topping the list.

“That's not your line.”

A lilt of laughter he had never heard from her before bubbled up from where Sam couldn’t be sure. When she clamped her hand over her mouth, her cheeks brightened to a rosy red, and her eyes widened. Muffled words muted by her hand sounded like nothing more than gibberish, and when she scrambled from the couch and for her bag, Sam stood in a dumbfounded daze, unable to keep up.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I’m just gonna… I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsal,” Natalie stated as she rushed to the door, her coat half-donned and bag swinging from one arm.

The inexorable swing of the door slowed as though time stretched to give him a final chance. If he didn't take it, if he let her leave without telling her he felt the same way she did, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

Long legs vaulted the back of the couch with ease as Sam lunged for the door. He caught it without an inch to spare, and flung it wide to find Natalie waiting at the elevator at the end of the hall. He said nothing and instead, ran down the hall and slid to a halt on the polished wood floor. He nearly ran into Natalie, stopping just at her side, and when her eyes met his, elevator arrived.

Her free hand slipped into his as he reached for her and said, “If my touch offends you, I could kiss you instead.”

Her stare narrowed as she turned into him. “Holding my hand is very polite of you,” she started as she raised his hand. “Palm to palm, they touch like a kiss.”

“But lips kiss better,” Sam retorted.

Her coy smirk met his grin as she grasped his free hand and said, “Lips that should pray.”

One smooth step closed the space between them, and Sam wrapped an arm around her, his hand splayed at the small of her back. “My lips pray that you’ll kiss me. Please don't ruin my faith.”

“Prayers are answered by those that remain still,” she stated. “How can I answer your prayer if I can move?”

Sam barked a laugh at her twisted interpretation. He towered over her as she leaned into him, and as their lips neared, he said, “Then hold still so that my prayer might be answered.”

Romeo might have had a few smooth lines, but they all paled in comparison to the feeling of Natalie's lips on his. No, she wasn't the sun, or a rose, or any of that bullshit. She was power and grace and faith all at once, unfiltered. As his lips met hers, Sam melted under the sheer force that was her presence, wanting nothing more than to stay there forever. But when they parted—eventually—Sam finished his thought.

“My sin has been taken from me by your lips.”

“Does that mean my lips bear your sin as well?” Natalie asked through a devious smile.

Sam shook his head as he said, “You enable my crime with such sweetness. Give me back my—”

Her lips landed on his before he finished speaking, a hard press that spun his head. Too long he lingered there in her embrace, so close he could hardly tell where he ended and she began. Her hand slipped from his to grasp his shirt, and he wrapped his arm around her to hold her close, closer than he thought possible. Any closer and he would cease to exist.

“Excuse me.”

In another world so far away, Sam heard the distant complaint of a woman. Rather than break their kiss, he picked Natalie up, his arms encircling her tiny body with ease, and carried her back to his room. When the door latched, Natalie parted from him, lips swollen and chest heaving for breath.

“You’ve been practicing.”

He laughed at that as he licked his lips clean. “I’m just glad there aren’t any nurses or mothers around to interrupt us at this point.”

“Me, too,” she agreed. “Would you kiss me again and show me what you’ve learned?”

Another laugh shared between them filled the room as Sam neared her lips once more.

“A thousand times, and a thousand times again.”

Feedback is appreciated! Feel free to reblog, too!

If you want in on any of my tags (Sam/Jared, Dean/Jensen), send me a DM or an ask!

ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN FLUFF BINGO MASTERLIST

ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN MASTER LIST

The Whole Thang:

@atc74  @hannahindie @bevans87  @meganwinchester1999  @plaided-ani-on-hiatus  @oneshoeshort @jonogueira @andkatiethings @elfinmox @wonderfulworldofwinchester @princessofthefandomrealm  @just-another-busyfangirl @jmekitchens @81mysteriouslyme @dolphincliffs  @seenashwrite  @canadianspnhunter  @meowmeow-motherfucker @depressed-moose-78 @staycejo1 @hobby27  @pretty-fortune @mypopculturediva @fanfictionjunkie1112 @sandlee44 @4llmywr1tings @claitynroberts @maddiepants @scarletluvscas @donnaintx @blackeyedangel9805 @rainflowermoon @winchesterprincessbride  @lazinessisalliknow​ @the-is13​ @waywardafgrandma​ @keymology​ @sister-winchesters99​ @amanda-teaches​

Sam’s Sasstresses (Jared):

@karouwinchester

[words-writ-in-starlight]

hey star! i’m thinking about watching (listening to?) taz, but i know absolutely nothing about it except that it might be vaguely related to some brothers called the mcelroys? and that they have something to do with critical role and a bunch of other podcasts. should i watch/listen to (is it a podcast too?) taz, why is there “adventure” and “amnesty” and etc, and what do the mcelroys have to do with anything? thank you and i hope the job is going well!

OKAY, so, The Adventure Zone (TAZ) is a DnD podcast done by the three McElroy brothers (that’s said “Mackle-roy,” btw, not “Mick-elroy”), Justin (oldest), Travis (middlest), and Griffin (youngest and DM), and their dad.  I unconditionally recommend it as some of the best, funniest comedy I’ve ever encountered, as a genuinely good and heartwarming narrative that brought me to tears more than once, and also just as...like...sometimes a bitch wants to enjoy media that centers around a family that actually loves and enjoys each other as people.  If that last sounds like your cup of tea, I recommend the entire McElroy podcast empire (that’s a separate post), but ESPECIALLY The Adventure Zone.  

Now, in terms of DnD, a lot of people are nervous about starting TAZ because they associate DnD with a very rules-heavy exhaustive kind of activity, which they assume will be zero fun whatsoever.  Now, I...play a lot of DnD, so that wasn’t really a concern for me.  Regardless, the McElroys absolutely do not understand the rules of DnD and have never allowed a rule to stop them from making a good joke or having a good time, and frankly I think that is a totally valid way to play the game!  It’s also extremely accessible to people who may not have ever played DnD before, because hey, half the cast has no idea which dice to roll at any given moment.  They are right there with you.  Go forth.

(On the other hand, if you HAVE played DnD before and you don’t mind committing yourself to an ungodly amount of content, I whole-heartedly recommend Critical Role!  It is a YouTube series that also exists as a podcast, both equally fun ways to consume the material.  The seven players and DM are all famous voice actors that you have definitely heard in something somewhere, their characters are fucking clutch, and they play a much more rules-heavy game, classic in every way right down to the dungeons and dragons, that is a ton of fun.  The main reason I usually tell people to start with TAZ, however, is this: TAZ episodes run about an hour, with few exceptions, and release every other week.  Critical Role episodes average four hours and release weekly.  So if you have that kind of time, that’s awesome, absolutely do it!  I’ve finally started watching through their first campaign and it’s great, I’m mostly caught up on their current campaign and it’s also great.  Watching their DM work is just...competence porn, and the characters are fucking destroying me in both campaigns.  TAZ is more approachable in terms of content volume, though.)

Narratively speaking, you should start at the beginning of TAZ, at the start of their Balance campaign.  You asked about the “Amnesty” thing, and this is your answer--you can’t run a DnD campaign forever, all stories end eventually, so their first campaign that kicked off the podcast is called “Balance” and is 69 episodes long.  If you hear people talking about Taako, Magnus, Merle, “the seven birds”, etc, those are all from Balance.  Then they ran some mini campaigns where they tried new stuff out, specifically “Commitment” and “Dust,” and then they settled on “Amnesty” as their new campaign.  Each campaign is set in a totally different world with wildly different rules and they’re all pretty radical, but here’s a short breakdown:

BALANCE: It’s fucking DnD, babes (although remarkably short on both dungeons and dragons).  They fight goblins, they get magic items, they have a wizard and a fighter and a cleric.  They go to the moon to join a secret society and get in a deadly car battlewagon race, there are liches and time loops and Wheels of Misfortune, there’s a giant mindwiping jellyfish and Garfield the Deals Warlock.  There are elevators.  ...okay, so they get pretty far from your traditional DnD universe build, the universe gets weird pretty quick, but like.  Just trust me, get a good giggle out of two or three arcs worth of dick jokes, and then buckle in for the emotional shit.

COMMITMENT: A superhero mini-campaign!  Three people get superpowers from their place of business and trash shit at an abandoned amusement park, it’s a good time.

DUST: Urban fantasy old Western murder mystery.  What else do I even need to say, honestly.

AMNESTY: The new arc!  If Supernatural took place in small-town West Virginia where half the monsters were pretty chill actually and the cast was Sketchy Con Man With Car, Long-Suffering Chosen Forest Ranger, and Punk Magical Bisexual With Pet Rabbit.  This one has a much more cohesive aesthetic than Balance, but I love it anyway.  

TLDR: yes you SHOULD listen to The Adventure Zone.  It’s hilarious when they’re busy telling dick jokes at first, and heartwrenching when they realize they have the ability to get heartwrenching, and those two things happen within minutes of each other more often than not.  And if you have gotten this far and you are sitting there thinking “Huh, this is weird, normally this is where Star goes the fuck Off about pitching the narrative,” it’s a DnD game! They go on quests to find shit!  There are seven shits to find!  They have mixed success at finding the shit!  What do you want from me!  

Oh, also, something that I have come to really appreciate lately: the McElroys put a lot of work into being funny without being mean.  Balance and Amnesty and the mini campaigns are all diverse, enjoyable universes, the punchline of a joke is never “ha ha, that person is [whatever]”, queer characters live long badass lives--I dunno, this might not matter to people, but I just find it incredibly restful.  Four cis white heterosexual men are not necessarily who I expected to provide that restful universe, but damned if they didn’t deliver in spades.  Plant your gays in healthy topsoil and water regularly and you too could mysteriously end up on the NYT bestseller list.

[streiknine-blog]

Task 001.

BUT RED WAS WHAT YOU WRAPPED AROUND YOU. BLOOD RED.

—Ted Hughes

BASIC INFORMATION.

Full Name: Vincent James Ouellet Nickname(s): Vin, Vinny, Strychnine, Striker; Strike Age: 28 Date of Birth: 13 February 1990 Hometown: Québec, Québec, Canada Current Location: Dertosa, California Ethnicity: white Nationality: Vincent is Canadian, but his mother was American, so he’s got dual citizenship Gender: cis male Pronouns: he/him Orientation: Vincent is bisexual — but also fun fact he’s never had sex Religion: agnostic — he doesn’t think too hard about it, but I could see him going for something like Roman Reconstructionalist if he actually put thought into it. Political Affiliation: (I don’t know stateside politics and neither does Vincent) Occupation: full-time Poison babey — see also: hitman Living Arrangements: he’s got a small apartment with sparse decorations — really what he was looking for when he got it was somewhere that he’d be able to relax and cook.

The kitchen is the most put-together part of the one-bedroom place, with well-loved pots, pans, and bakeware. A couple nice dishtowels in a white with navy stripes pattern hang from the handle of the oven, and a much more ragged bleach-worn dishtowel is usually seen on the counter (used for wiping up messes as they happen). Little (fake bullet) shell casing salt and pepper shakers sit on the back of the stove, along with a little porcelain rooster — “You have to have a rooster in the kitchen.” Vincent would say, “It’s good luck.” — which its paint is chipping from how old it is.

The living/eating area has a navy and grey rug that looks like he’s had it since he was in his early twenties (and, honestly, he has) and a dark-stained wooden table with four chairs — the insert to make it into a six person table for if he ever had the Poisons over sitting against the far wall, in plain sight — and just a single placemat, that is pastel and multi-coloured and looks like he stole it from a sixty year old’s kitchen décor, sitting on the table at all times.

He’s got a small, grey, apartment-sized couch that he likes to curl up an nap on, so there’s a throw blanket and a single pillow always on it.

Language(s) Spoken: English; French Accent: Light buzzing on ‘TH’, ‘Z’, and ’S’ sounds — a holdover from his Québécois upbringing; for the most part has a fairly neutral “Seattle accent” that he’s taught himself as a consequence of being around Americans and wanting to sound less ‘different’. Still has a light Québécois accent tinging his words.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

Face Claim: Zane Holtz Hair Colour: dark brown Eye Colour: blue Height: 6’1” Weight: 220ish lbs Build: lorge Tattoos: n/a Piercings: n/a Clothing Style: Simple, dark sweaters (navy, forest green, maroon, black), white dress shirts (buttoned to the top), dark sports coats, charcoal or black slacks are the standard, but he’ll wear dark wash jeans occasionally. Usually the jeans are paired with a crisp dress shirt (in any of the sweater colours) that may be rolled to to the elbows. If he’s doing the sweater + dress shirt + jeans outfit, his favourite combination is his maroon sweater with a navy dress shirt. He thinks he looks fancy in it. He’s not opposed to wearing light, airy colours (like powder blue, or dusty pink) but he gets a bit self-conscious when he wears them — thinking that they don’t suit him well enough for him to pull it off. So he sticks to dark colours and neutrals. They’re easier to hide bloodstains anyway, and the white shirts can be bleached.

Fan of French cuffs but never wears them because cufflinks are easy to lose at a scene. When he’s not on the job he’s totally breaking out the French cuffs and his silver cufflinks. There’s the occasional t-shirt + sweatpants combo but usually reserved for when he isn’t going out anywhere/not seeing anyone but the other poisons or the flower he’s booked.

For accessories, he’s got a dark grey tungsten carbide band that he wears on his left ring finger.

Usual Expression: neutral, vaguely aggressive leaning. His eyebrows make him look mad when he’s not holding them up in some form of expression. Distinguishing Characteristics: I’d say his biggest distinguishing characteristic is that he is tall and wide — like not only is this kid over six feet tall, he’s jacked as shit too.

HEALTH.

Physical Ailments: needs glasses, and he’s nearsighted — it’s partly why he prefers knives to guns. Neurological Conditions: nothing I can peg but I’m sure there’s Something. Allergies: n/a Sleeping Habits: king of the cat nap, and honestly whenever he can knock out he’s gonna. He snores too. Eating Habits: he eats a Lot and he’s decently healthy… please see his favourite food section for a more detailed food thing. Exercise Habits: Boy loves to workout — gotta keep fit for murder, y’know? He’s fond of free weights, and bars… boy loves a heavy deadlift, and he’s gotta bench press his friends at least once. He’s also one to do sprints for his cardio, especially resistance sprints. Gotta go fast.

He works until it burns and he’s comfortably sore. Totally one to have a protein shake with oats added after a hard workout.

Emotional Stability: Vincent isn’t necessarily the most emotionally competent but he’s also not especially volatile. He’s got his moments — blind fury or just enjoyment of a kill can cause him to go a lil overboard. When he laughs it’s a whole body laughs — boy’s gonna feel things all at once if he’s going to feel them at all. Sociability: He likes to be with other people but he is just so painfully awkward. He doesn’t quite realize sometimes that he’s making jokes that aren’t funny and that he should stop making poisoning jokes to the flower that is eating the meal he prepped himself but, hey, we can’t be perfect and Vinny certainly isn’t. Body Temperature: I’d say he’s a slight onto the warm side — summer is hell for him. Addictions: can I say the high of a kill? But nah he ain’t a straight up murder-obsessed guy, he just really loves that feeling. In all honesty, he loves sweet things. Drug Use: Never Alcohol Use: Rarely drinks — he doesn’t like the feeling of being drunk/tipsy, but he will go for a lite beer or two, or a mixed drink that is “light on the alcohol, heavy on the mix, please.”

PERSONALITY.

Label: the aggressor; the cold-blooded; the loyalist Positive Traits: Fearless, determined, willing Negative Traits: Ruthless, detached Goals/Desires: his biggest thing is having a balance to things, it’s a driving force behind his actions. Fears: spiders — too many legs they creep him out. Hobbies: cooking, reading, watching movies Habits: absently rotates his wrists/cracks his fingers when he’s focused on something. Mutters in French under his breath if he’s trying to figure something out.

FAVOURITES.

Weather: cold, crisp winter day with large snowflakes floating down lazily — not a flurry, just pleasant and relaxing. Probably around -15C / 5f. Colour: navy and light blue Music: top 40 hits — 22 year old Vincent was the type to sing along to ‘Call Me Maybe’ in his car by himself. Movies: comedies, supernatural themes, French and Québécois cinema. Sport: Lacrosse; hockey (fan of the Canadiens and the Maple Leafs) Beverage: Hot chocolate!

He’s one to pick the drink up from a coffee shop on the way to an appointment, or to make himself a fresh one after he’s back home. He has several different kinds of it — from those hot chocolate wands, to tins of powdered mix, to single-serve portions of it for a on-demand coffee machine — and he’s not picky. He likes the sweetness of it, and, if he’s getting one from a coffee shop, makes sure to ask for extra chocolate sauce. At home it depends how tired he is. It’ll either be basic, with just hot milk and melted chocolate or fancier on his days off with tiny marshmallows or peppermint syrup. He especially likes to make hot chocolate for those he considers friends.

Food: He’ll give most things a try, honestly.

He’s definitely fallen back on the ‘pan seared broccoli with wild rice and baked chicken breast (with smoked paprika, thyme, and black pepper)’ as a basic dinner meal for when he’s feeling lazy. If he’s not feeling lazy the sky is the fucking limit. He’ll make everything from a whole chicken or a roast with accompanying veggies, to stir-frying tofu and veggies. For lunch he’s usually eating something he’s packed — quinoa, lemon-dill salmon, asparagus; rare steak, sweet potatoes, broccolini; Cobb salad with an extra hardboiled egg or two; homemade “instant” ramen in a jar — and for breakfast he’ll either just straight up have a protein shake with oats and fruit, or some of the egg muffins he makes every few days (mushroom, cheese, ham,, quinoa) or he’ll really go all out and have French Toast or waffles.

Homemade stovetop mac n cheese is a comfort food he likes if he wants something quick (25 minutes, start to finish), but if he’s gonna make a comforting meal to distract himself he’s totally the type to go with a braised lamb sort of deal.

Animal: dogs

FAMILY.

Father: Étienne Jean Ouellet (53); president of an insurance brokerage Mother: Lillian Grace Ouellet née Richardson (51); homemaker Sibling(s): none Children: n/a Pet(s): n/a Family’s Financial Status: solidly upper-middle class. Don’t you know the insurance business is practically a license to print money?

EXTRA.

Zodiac Sign: Aquarius; 13 February 1990 MBTI: ISTJ Enneagram: type 8 — the challenger Temperament: melancholic Moral Alignment: totally pegged him as a Lawful Evil — uses murder to get his ends tidy, but has a strong sense of needing balance for things. Not one to just willy-nilly McMurder. Primary Vice: Wrath Primary Virtue: Charity Element: Earth

[annarosewriting]

Let Me Live My Life Plz

I went for a run last week. Most runs are the same. They start off with me thinking I could run for 100 miles, then halfway through wildly wishing for death and afterward congratulating myself for being the PINNACLE of human athleticism.

But I think I’ll always remember this particular run.

It was hot, not the dry heat where the air feels stiff. The air felt damp, like with every pump of my arms I was trying to move through gelatin. 

The vocal riffs of Christina Aguilera in the VASTLY underrated musical Burlesque were helping me to run faster than I normally do. 

The sun was high above, the only witness to the blue pickup truck that pulled up to the intersection I was getting ready to run across. 

I hate running in front of cars, and not just because the movie Cars has given me a healthy fear of Larry the Cable Guy’s voice coming from one. I just hate doing that awkward “are you going to go? Should I go?” half jog while we both dilly dick around until someone makes a Decision and goes. 

To avoid this, I turned the corner instead of going straight, so I wouldn’t have to run in front of their truck.  

I should have run in front of them. 

As I turned the corner, I was met with two rat-faced, Mountain Dew drinking Youths holding up their phones, tracking my movements as I ran past them. Fingers pointing, their mouths wide open in what looked like silent screams of terror at seeing a fat woman taking care of her body but were really shaping their laughter as they recorded me. 

Like I was a vaguely amusing trained animal doing a trick. 

Luckily, I was sweating so much that my tears were able to mix seamlessly into the sweat that was dripping down my face. 

It’s taken me a long time to feel comfortable running in public. It’s taken me even longer to like working out. 

When I was younger I operated under the assumption that exercise wasn’t accessible for a fat woman like me. 

When I started working out I knew EXACTLY what I should do because after hearing the same advice from medical professionals for, hmm, 17 years, two times a year?, it eventually stuck with me!!!!!

Get my heart rate up for 30 minutes a day. Strength training is good. Eat less. I had it down to a science.

But my initial relationship with working out and losing weight wasn’t heathy (I cried about eating at Wendy’s idk what else I have to tell you) but if I missed a workout it was the end of the world. 

I would push myself even harder the next day to make up for the extra calories I didn’t burn the previous day. Doing moves I hated because they made every muscle ache. My whole body would shake and I would come dangerously close to vomiting but all of that was worth it, right? 

As I’ve grown, my need to workout stems from the need to move my body. To make sure I’m healthy and the whole laundry list of possible healthcare scares that firmly roots my family tree will be abated or avoided entirely. 

That’s the “deeper” reason I workout. The shallow reason? I want to be as ripped as the Amazon warriors from Wonder Woman. 

So I started doing yoga. I figured it would help me be more gentle with my body. It would provide me with the tools to listen to what my body needed and help me not be such a goddamn anxious mess (still waiting for the verdict on that last part). But my plank is impeccable, my vinyasa flows are TOIGHT and not to brag but my Lion’s Breathe is alarming in its intensity. 

I added walking to the mix because I work a desk job and if I didn’t move more I was going to lose my fucking mind. I started off walking, then I wanted to see if I could run in 30 second increments for ten minutes. Then I just, kept running. I can run a full four miles without stopping now. 

I do HIIT workouts. I strength train different body parts. I have abs, a clearly visible outline of abs (they’re on my soft belly so they’re more like the stuffed animal version). My legs are muscular as FUCK and I’m getting more arm muscle definition. I workout four days a week if not more. I run. I switch up my workouts. I rarely drink alcohol. I don’t smoke or do drugs. I drink a moderate amount of coffee. I take my vitamins. I eat fruits and veggies every day. 

But if I’m so healthy, why did those fucks record me running? Why were they laughing at me? Why were they using me as their own perverse sense of entertainment? 

Because I’m fat. 

Which is some goddamn horse shit. 

I have met several people in my life (all lovely!) who look like what society deems as Healthy. They’re smaller than I am and they look like they only consume quinoa wrapped in kale and snort kombucha through a reusable straw. 

Then I start talking to them and find out that they eat junk food for every single meal, do a cocktail of drugs that would take down a bull elephant and drink so much that it gives me a contact hangover just listening to them talk about the amount they consume. 

But, if I’m standing next to them, 99% of individuals would assume they’re healthier than I am.  

Because I’m fat. 

Being fat, I have constantly felt the need to justify my existence in this world. I am hyperconscious of everything I do. This has manifested itself into odd...I’ll call them personality quirks. 

I get cagey when presented with eating food in public so I’ll either eat nothing or eat a normal amount very quickly so no one has to see me eating. I hate working out in gyms or in front of others. I talk about working out more than I have to, just so others know I’m working on breaking the curse that is my fat body. I have panic attacks when people suggest trying something athletic that I’ve never tried before because I know DAMN well what all of the skinny people will think of me. 

I went to a gym once to try a physical activity I had never tried before and some of the individuals there looked at me with such thinly veiled hostility and disbelief at the audacity I had to show up to their gym in my fat body that I never want to go back, much less try, that activity again.

I feel the pressure to justify my body, my very existence, every time I go outside, to everyone I meet, even to my own goddamn family and it exhausts me. 

And those monsters in the pickup truck (and don’t most awful things happen in a pickup truck?) helped to add a NEW anxiety to the ever growing pile.

How many other people have taken pictures or video of me to spread to their friends, to even post on their social channels? 

How many times have I been at a bar, out shopping, eating food, doing normal activities and individuals have discreetly taken videos or pictures of me to disparage the fact that a fat woman is living her life? 

How many people have I pissed off? How many people have I incited so much horror into with my existence that they felt the need to record it for posterity’s sake, then SHARE IT, so everyone else can be appropriately appalled that someone like me could live a normal, full, life?

Do I have to start carrying a sign with me everywhere, listing my workout routine and a catalog of everything I’ve eaten that day, so strangers will leave me the fuck alone? 

I don’t know if I’ve made this clear but this event had me all sorts of fucked up for a while. 

Sometimes it still keeps me awake. I wonde how many people have laughed at me. A fat woman desperately wanting to live her life but not being able to.

Fatphobia is real and it has to stop. I’m tired of walking into a new environment, heart racing, breathing shallow, and feeling trapped because I’m scared of how people will react to my unwieldy body encroaching on them. 

We, as a society, have to treat fat people as human beings. Which is a wild fucking sentence for me to type. 

Here’s the thing, next time someone makes a fat joke or wants to laugh at something a fat person is doing, or, god forbid, take pictures or video of that person moving through this world, please, think of me. Think of me as your Token Fat Friend. 

Think of me, just trying to live my life, but having that stripped away because a low life thought the idea of someone who looked like me running was the HEIGHT of comedy. 

Which it’s not, John Mulaney’s Salt and Pepper Diner bit is the height of comedy, OBVIOUSLY. 

But after some time to think, I realized I don’t have to justify SHIT to anyone.

No one should be making assumptions about my body or anyone else’s bodies.

Being healthy comes in many different forms, shapes and sizes. The idea of being healthy looks different for, and on, every person.

I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to bounce back from this and I realized the best, and bravest, thing I can do right now is to keep living my life. 

The best thing I can do is to not give in to diet culture. To keep working out in public. To keep showing up to prove that fat bodies deserve to be exactly where skinny bodies are. To fill my life with exercise, food, laughter and love. To love my body wholeheartedly. 

To be one of the many voices for the body positivity movement that will not be silenced. That will continue screaming, clawing, punching and fighting to make bodies that look like mine, be part of the norm.  

So normal that no one will want to film it whenever it’s out in the world. 

[nanyoky]

hey gang guess who’s sick in bed and therefore not drinking but is definitely getting Fever Weird which is the next best thing really

No it’s not i’m sick as a dog and fucking miserable and probably not going to be as much fun as usual, full disclosure. Instead of sushi and cider like my usual wednesdays, i’m having tang and saltines so.... cheers.

also i want you all to know there were no working links so i had to wait for the official cw stream to go up like a pauper come on team it’s 2018 we’re better than this

mayor mac and the lodges are still in cahoots and now v knows why but you know who doesn’t yet? ME THAT’S WHO

oh wow so that’s penelope’s deal now

this is- in a darkly hilarious way- the photo negative of season one keller boys “no cruising guys today kiddo” “good GAWD dad”. “i may be a widow but i can still fucking PULL” “good GAWD mom”

i should not be laughing but oh my god CHERYL’S FACE jesus h christ

it’s veronica’s job to keep next gen riverdale chill “when the news breaks” ruh-roh

did archie say he’s going to start a band “of redheads”? so just- him on guitar and cheryl screaming into the mic like a kraken? that’s the only possibility i can envision

“are you upset?” “upset? ronnie, i’m crazy about you” that is a suburban white mom level of non-answer, archie- stop hanging out with alice cooper

RED ALERT KEVIN READS CLIVE BARKER NOVELS AND MY LOVE FOR HIM GROWS EVEN MORE

awkward betty and archie eye contact is almost as obvious as veronica’s stilted forced “we should probably all stay calm....” to the room at large

((the saltines went over pretty well so i think i’mma try some chicken nuggest pray for me team))

“my home is a dickensian nightmare- i won’t have my school turn into one too!” there is just... so much here. short version: cheryl’s origin story is that of the classic highschool bully: not in control of her home life, so enacts violent control over her school. in this way she has not changed. also jesus christ she’s so fucking dramatic i love her like this is in any way her problem but she’s automatically FURIOUS about it. but also just: wow cheryl hates poor people.

“of course. we’re fine.” kevin’s skeptical face (tm) is mint. top shelf. the good shit.

“jones- this is very lovecraftian, which i’m sure was the intention.” toni has jughead Figured Out, and i’m not sure he’s comfortable with that. 

*jake peralta voice* toni- first off your insinuating voice is way too high you sound like meryl streep in mama mia

oh my god sweetpea and fangs are just so dumb. so pretty and so dumb. just because you two wear leather jackets and flannel doesn’t mean you’re not dumb jocks. i’m calling it: sweetpea/reggie. can you imagine the angry makeouts???? so much angry repressed sexuality.

toni’s face of “oh god why are you morons celebrating” is some of the best we’ve seen of her so far my hopes are high for next gen serpent characterization with this plotline

WHAT DOES HIRAM NEED ALL THIS LAND FOR?!?!?!?!?!

POLLY MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh wow yeah actress must have gotten a better gig or something and is only available for a cameo or two if a show as drama loving as RIVERDALE is keeping the birth of twins offscreen

THE LEADERS OF THE FARM?????? NO. NO. UNACCEPTABLE.

“juniper and dagwood” *betty face*

also yes polly you are in a cult get your babies and LEAVE. go hang out with smithers and joaquin whom i command are safe and happy and healthy wherever they are

“that’s mine by the way” FUCKIN COLD.

FINALLY someone other than the sheriff’s office is getting involved in how fucking SHADY this “small” town is

“is this even legal, what you’re asking me to do?” SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE IS HERE TO STAY I LOVE SMART, REASONABLE ARCHIE WHO HAS LEARNED NOT TO JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING ADULTS TELL HIM AT FACE VALUE

oh nevermind one seed of doubt and he’s back. poor boy. sweet boy. dumb boy.

oh nooooo freddddd

fp in his adorkable pop’s uniform smugly nudging about betty is a great moment everyone deserves an in-law that loves them like fp loves betty

please tell me “doctor beeker” is their actual science teacher’s name

we all know that finding the lost cooper brother is going to do ANYTHING but make alice a happier, more stable person right this is not going to end well

i mean even if he wasn’t a minor and using him to get information from a dangerous criminal was a profoundly shitty thing to do, the fbi could have picked literally anyone in town that would have been a better double agent because this is.... not a subtle conversation.

GREAT SONG CHOICE FOR THE SERPENTS’ INTRO TO RHS ((my mom had a tape with this song on it that she’d play to get me pumped for kindergarten))

okay i’m only going to say this once and then probably once more in the scorecard but: how much better would this mixed school plot have been if JOAQUIN WAS STILL IN TOWN?!?!?! the joy and comedy if he and kevin got back together?? the ANGST IF THEY DIDN’T?!?!?!?!?! i am CHEATED. LAID LOW. BITCHSLAPPED.

THAT BEING SAID: this is so good already. serpents swaggering in. veronica’s stepford forced cheer. cheryl and reggie STRUTTING to create conflict.

toni’s face upon gazing at cheryl once more is just so very gay. angry gay. furious that she has to see those mile long legs again.

“no one invited facist barbie to the party” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "ragamuffins” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh archie. so pure. so ineffective. as always.

did jughead just sidehug sweetpea away from conflict are they there now

i haven’t been paying enough attention to outfits so far but the placement of cheryl’s iconic spider broach not over her heart like a normal broach, but ON HER SHOULDER LIKE IT’S CRAWLING was a topnotch choice by wardrobe

again this is some classic response to sexual assault in the category of “well that’s unfortunate” until it’s about someone close to you come on archie you’re better than this.

which of course reinforces cheryl’s “me against the world” attitude because NO ONE SEEMS TO FUCKING CARE that she was attacked except veronica and the cats

“of the park avenue lodges” juggie. not helping. although i’d like to think jughead has mentioned veronica enough that toni knows this is just mild teasing between unlikely friends

josie’s awkward “now just... josie...” BROKE MY HEART

“joaquin and i used to hang out. talked about you all the time” OF COURSE HE FUCKING DID THAT POOR BOY WAS *ELIZA SCHUYLER VOICE* HELPLLLLLEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS. also i’m so happy joaquin has FRIENDS that hopefully still keep in touch please just someone check on him i miss my gay biker leo

godfuckingdammit reggie

“no more serpent jackets” okay- okay- i really need to ask the writers to go to a real high school just once. once. in what world would they have not made this a rule already???? i got in trouble in middleschool for wearing a bandana okay and i was a weird horse girl and LOOKED IT.

is josie hanging out with the core four+kevin because cheryl’s weirdness was scaring her off and the cats have cut all ties? has she lost her entire support network??? i’m worried about alpha kitty guys include her in stuff

jughead is #worked up and toni is having none of it thank god for toni

“i just need to borrow one of jason’s blazers” thank GOD they haven’t abandoned creepy ties between jason and archie. please someone share my half baked conspiracy theory that they were switched at birth and archie is the real blossom twin

juggie. i love you. i genuinely do. but you are being a prime fucking asshole right now. 

i was rolling my eyes so hard at jughead’s bullshit i almost missed sweetpea’s turtleneck which would have been a TRAGEDY

this separation between jughead’s attitude and the rest of the serpents is finally bringing to light what has bothered me about his plot this season so far. he’s so fucking desperate to fit into his role as the heir apparent to the gang but he doesn’t actually know shit about being in a gang and being in danger all the time. for all he grew up poor his has this really privileged attitude and i can’t wait for toni and co. to just tell him to sit down and shut up because believe it or not his actions have consequences

OH MY GOD VERONICA’S SOLUTION IS MAKEOVERS BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS

i was going to say “what they didn’t call ahead???” but of course not. cooper women do not call ahead

i mean we all knew this wasn’t going to go well and i think a lot of us thought it might be a possibility but...... umm.... heavens.... golly.... that.... that uh... looks like.... ayoungblondskeetulrich. .....jinkies.

oh god why do we have two prostitution plotlines in one episode why why is this a thing in riverdale now

on a lighter note they are hitting into my nostalgia funny bone hard this ep with the game in the whyte wurm being mortal combat ii it’s been years since i’ve gazed on those pixilated icons of my childhood

fp giving you advice on doing the smart thing instead of your kneejerk reaction to a shit situation is a real lowpoint i hope you realize that juggie

again, as heavy as it is, i’m glad they don’t shy away from the dreaded “R” bomb with this nick plotline. like characters seem hesitant to say it in a realistic way, but they do use it which keeps it from feeling like the creators trying to write around controversy

i like that they’re acknowledging it’s pretty shitty of archie to not care until it’s about veronica it feels like brewing #character development

BAHAHAHA TONI AND SWEETPEA LOOK ADORABLY HORRIBLE THIS PLOTLINE IS BLESSED

I mean don’t get me wrong, i love seeing nick get beat up as much as anyone else, but archie should have def talked to veronica before all that and she’s right to be upset

yess betty goin to rescue her bro and showing up in the suspiciously convenient nick of time i love it

archie being a good boy and clearing the air about the kiss before things get out of hand but also.... not mentioning the fbi agent after her dad is such a very riverdale thing to do

omg they’re making a d&d cover group i lied i’m bringing it up again HOW DARE THEY NOT HAVE JOAQUIN HERE FOR THIS WHEN HIS BOYFRIEND IS A CERTIFIED D&D NERD CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THE BANTER

BLOSSOMS JESUS H CHRIST

god this poor lost cooper boy this is the most awkward situation ever because you know alice and hal are not going to handle this well and you know betty is going to try too hard to make it work and you know chic is probably involved in some stuff that will be Plot (tm) later on and this is just A Lot

archie.....

chic..... (we’re supposed to find this threatening, but psych, chic is noticing all the suspiciously different features they have almost like they might be half siblings instead of full siblings.....)

Episode Scorecard:

# of Sick Beat Drop Editing Sequences: None

Do I Still Miss Joaquin: Do i have to fucking elaborate YES okay goddammit someone better be working on a “joaquin never left” au to fit in with this serpents at rhs plot as we speak or i will be MOST CROSS.

Episode Hair MVP: Toni’s was looking particularly nice today

Episode Outfit MVP: sweetpea’s turtleneck. hands down. but with a close second being the placement of cheryl’s spider.

Episode Cast/Crew Shoutout: soundtrack was better than it has been this season- good choices there.

[uwugenides]

FACT FOR EACH STAR GO GO GO !!!!!!!!!! :D

⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️When I was little I dropped a can in the garbage on accident and my brother made me crawl in the trash can to get it back out and put it in the right thing.⭐️I have right duane's syndrome. It's a birth defect that makes it so I can't turn my right eye outwards, it stops in the middle and I see double when I try to do it.⭐️I once fell through bleachers from the very top, falling straight down, twenty(20) ft, and I hit five cross bars on my way to the ground. My life did flash before my eyes.⭐️Growing up I wanted to be the first female president. Now I'm a trans man and I hate the government.⭐️I always wanted a husky (I was a wolf and tiger kid) and I got one two years ago and I love her. Her name is Ember.⭐️uhhhhh,,,,,,,, I'm autistic, well specifically I have aspergers⭐️I think you gave me too many stars ⭐️I love space but if I think about the laws of time and space I get too existential and dissociate for hours⭐️I'm having trouble thinking up new facts. F u my friend⭐️I've never been in a play or musical where I didn't have a speaking part⭐️In theatre I played this kid who is two feet taller than me and has non-stop freckled' older brother, so that was fun⭐️How am I supposed to do this without feeling self-centered??? Is that a fact?⭐️I always start writing stories and never finish them.⭐️I have some fucked yo dreams that I will never tell to a single person⭐️Moana is my favorite animated movie, only second to Road to El Dorado⭐️I type like this n lke this n vvvv much like this,,,⭐️I'm watching America's Got Talent right now and it always manages to restore my faith in humanity⭐️also the dancing pumpkin man from that old meme is on America's Got Talent and I love him⭐️I feel so small and then I feel so big and it is weird⭐️I love anyone who messages me, any message or ask. Even hate stuff, like thamknyoi, you took the time to think about me, even if its death wishes, you thought about me⭐️I love doing scary makeup⭐️fucked up shit and horror is my thing, but I can't watch horror movies alone⭐️I used to be really into werewolves and stuff when I first got on the internet and I guess you couldve considered me a furry⭐️I'm in love with my boyfriend⭐️did I mention I love my boyfriend⭐️that doctor who band that was called like Chameleon something??? Idk but they made really good songs. Check them out you guys⭐️COMEDY IS GREAT, FUNNY PEOPLE CAN FUCK ME UP⭐️I'm into dark comedy, but not insensitive comedy. Your racist jokes aren't funny, Barbara.⭐️I love tamale pie. If you haven't had tamale pie you need to have it.⭐️tamale pie and cornbread are the best⭐️sushi is really good⭐️my old choir teacher sang opera and was professionally trained in it.⭐️we had a karaoke day once and he sang karaoke opera for everyone. I'm p sure it was Italian too⭐️we had three foreign exchange students last year at my old school, one from South Korea, one from Finland, and one from Switzerland.⭐️a kid from my school spent part of her year as a foreign exchange student in Spain and when she came back she brought three girls from Spain with her and they cursed a lot⭐️I feel guilty about practically everything I've ever done in my life⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️the Ghostbusters reboot is a very good movie⭐️I want to go to COS (college of the siskiyous) and then transfer to SOU (Southern Oregon University) so hey, hit me up⭐️one is the loneliest number that you ever did see⭐️I'm sad 24/7 but sometimes that sadness comes across as comedy and that the only reason people like me⭐️I'm a minor⭐️I'm hot as fuck, get on my level twunk⭐️I hate terfs⭐️I want to be so rich that if I wanted to I could pay for everyone in the entire North America and South America to have enough food for three square meals a day⭐️i own a hat that says "black lives matter" and I've gotten ripped off my head more than once while riding my bus home⭐️I have a slight hitchhikers thumb⭐️I was born with brown hair but by the time I was two months old my hair was white⭐️I have owned four(4) rats, two(2) rabbits, seven(7) cats, two(2) guinea pigs, five(5) dogs, and one(1) hamster named Eddie.⭐️I am a self-taught horse-rider⭐️I have been to two(2) rodeos.⭐️I have asthma⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️so I love my boyfriend⭐️I chew on ice⭐️I order snow cones without any flavoring⭐️snow cones without any flavoring are cheaper⭐️SO MANY STARS⭐️I could've gotten more asks by now and I wouldn't know because I'm answering your stars⭐️I cry too easily⭐️I pass surprisingly well for being a trans guy who has not started T⭐️my family once sat at the dinner table on thanksgiving talking about how my mom had the right to hit me and I would not be allowed to defend myself⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I didn't know my dad was alive for the first twelve years of my life aside from the fact that we got the occasional eleven(11) dollar child support⭐️I love dogs⭐️I love cats ⭐️I love birds⭐️I love lizards⭐️I love snakes⭐️I love rats⭐️I love mice⭐️I love fish⭐️that guy on YouTube, Coyote Peterson is my goals as a person. If I could just live as a guy who goes around and finds wildlife I would never ask for another thing in my life⭐️I've recently started playing Pokémon Go again. It's fun⭐️my first Pokémon was a pikachu⭐️I've already traded my first Pokémon for more candies because I'm vain and want to be the very best⭐️I used to be a compulsive liars and would spend hours at night crying because I thought I was a horrible person for it. I was seven(7) at the time.⭐️I'm a trans⭐️koala bears are actively not helping themselves stay alive, not a fact about me, just a fact I like.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I just got a new kitten named Periwinkle Blue⭐️if I die before I travel to at least one(1) foreign country I will have died a sad man⭐️my great grandpa was Jewish and I carry a lot of that culture and its traditions down with me, despite not actually considering myself part of the religion.⭐️I'm a descendant of the Karuk tribe which is located in Northern California. I speak very little Karuk but it's a very pretty language!⭐️I'm also Irish, German, and as mentioned above (or alluded to at least) Hebrew.⭐️I'm white passing as far as my Native American roots go, and trust me, it is awkward being the whitest person at the tribal meetings.⭐️my birthname was the same name my great grandmother had, but is spelt in the newer form, not the Hebrew translated English form.⭐️I live in a very country oriented town. Everyone owns a cow. Or a pig. I almost owned a pig once.⭐️a lot of people say I'm not actually a trans guy because I was too much of an outstanding girl⭐️my insurance won't cover my top surgery⭐️I work as a dishwasher and it sucks ass⭐️I want to quit my job⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I went vegetarian for two weeks and then caved for a bag of salami someone left on the counter⭐️I drink at least one(1) Pepsi zero a day⭐️the first website I ever roleplayed on was QuoteV.com⭐️my mom just brought me a Fitbit that she got for me. What does this mean?⭐️I'm technically overweight yet look like the average "healthy" body.⭐️I have Mono⭐️I had lice in second(2) grade and lost many of my beloved stuffed animals because of that⭐️because of trauma I regress on occasion and my YouTube watch history is always interesting when that happens.⭐️I have extremely bad anxiety and don't even realize it half the time⭐️Jimmy Fallon is better than Jimmy Kimmel⭐️I once played a union soldier in a civil war reenactment held by a traveling group of reenactors and trust me, they do not mess around. If you've ever been in something like that you know that they are practically in character 24/7⭐️I love little kids but feel like I'm horrible with babies⭐️I fear I'll be a horrible parent and make my child feel the way my mom makes me feel⭐️I tried to get myself emancipated once and sadly failed as I'd gone through with a Or of the process before someone told me I wasn't old enough yet.⭐️stars are dying balls of gas⭐️I love my boyfriend ⭐️ SO MANY FUCKING STARS JESUS HAROLD CHRIST⭐️The H in Jesus H Christ stands for Harold, I looked it up once.⭐️I don't kinkshame but people should be a bit more conscious of what they do in general public access places.⭐️I've been in two(2) abusive relationships⭐️I take a lot of meds⭐️I might start T this year or next year⭐️I want top surgery before I graduate high school or the summer before I go to college⭐️I relate to Tony Stark as a person way to much⭐️I hate when the Hulk is only Hulk and never Bruce Banner⭐️I'm pretty self-confident most the time⭐️I've brought a blanket with me to school on more than one(1) occasion.⭐️I'm naturally a night owl and sleep better when sleeping during the day⭐️I take commissions for my art and you should commission me.⭐️currently I own three(3) dogs and two(2) cats. Mattie, the German shorthair mix, Ember the Alaskan/Siberian husky mix, and Memphis the purebred Doberman pinscher. One(1) adult cat named Freckles and one(1) kitten named Periwinkle Blue.⭐️I love video games.⭐️I love theories. Let's talk theories all day. Any theory, let's talk.⭐️I love talking about sociology and social expectations that aren't realized.⭐️I love collecting odd knick-knacks. I have many weird artifacts around my room, gathered by me or my yard-sale enthusiast grandpa.⭐️I hate Donald Drumpf.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I hope my boyfriend loves me⭐️the best animated characters to ever exist are Jesse, James, and Meowth from Pokemon.⭐️I'm taking PE independently at my new school⭐️I love singing and acting but I worry that I'm the person that is really bad at it and no one will tell me⭐️I also love doing special effects makeup⭐️sculpting is great fun⭐️I'll be going to the San Francisco comic con this September so if you're there come see me⭐️I'm going to be Dipper for comic con and my boyfriend is going to be Bill Cipher⭐️Arya from Game of Thrones is the best young actress I've ever seen⭐️then again she's not actually that young⭐️I once got stung by a scorpion while being inside my own home on my own bed⭐️till I was like seven(7) I had to share a room with my mom because we didn't have a house big enough for me to sleep anywhere else⭐️my dog Mattie's fullname is Calamity Anastasia Strelow⭐️at the school I used to attend a kid dressed up as a "tr*nny" for Halloween and wasn't told to take off his costume till someone who wasn't trans and out at the school complained and that took me begging my friend.⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I'm Bigfoot and my boyfriend is Mothman⭐️Atomic Blond looks like a really good movie⭐️my first(1) two(2) rats were named Loulou and Pepper⭐️my rabbits were Midnight and Petals.⭐️my hamster was a Russian dwarf hamster and he ended up being eaten by my cat Bobby Joe who was eaten by a mountain lion from the local area⭐️a bear has been seen on my old elementary school's campus five(5) times in my lifetime⭐️wolves were once seen by the only starbucks in my town which was only opened up last year⭐️I live in a major gold mining area and I5 runs right through the town next to mine which is practically where I live⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I've had a full body massage once(1) in my life and let me tell you, you haven't lived till you've had your butt massaged⭐️I've taken like three(3) different classes for martial arts and never really followed through with any of them⭐️I've only been bitten by one dog in my entire life and it was completely my fault⭐️this post is too long Jesus fuck⭐️why⭐️the emoji movie doesn't actually look that bad in my opinion⭐️Despicable Me3(three) was actually a really good movie.⭐️I hate bad acting but I respect the effort⭐️every sibling I have is a half-sibling⭐️I'm a horrible person⭐️but I'm also the only good person alive aside from my friends and boyfriend so I'm conflicted ⭐️The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo is a must see by anyone who considers them self part of the LGBTQ+ community⭐️I don't consider queer a slur personally but I understand the history of it and I never have and never will use it to describe someone or a group of people without their explicit permission⭐️before I came out as a trans guy I thought I was gebderfluid⭐️Chase Ross is an awesome guy⭐️I feel like I look like Ronan from The Raven Cycle with my new haircut, but I always pictured him with a darker complexion so idk⭐️I hate Caitlin Jenner as a person, but not for her gender identity in and of itself.⭐️my phone is getting very warm⭐️these stars are horribly shaded⭐️I love being trans and don't regret it at all⭐️my husky is probably my favorite dog so far⭐️TOO MANY STARS⭐️I don't know anythinh⭐️I'm actually a robot and this is all a lie⭐️I want to be a popular blogger or like a YouTube or something but hhhhnnnnnggg⭐️I'm really into literature and English and history and everything about all of that⭐️I made my signature while scribbling and realized a particular scribble looked like my initials⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I watch too many shows ⭐️I want to be a teacher kind of⭐️I want a better job⭐️I want to be who I see in the mirror when I've got all thecright clothes on and I'm feeling confident ⭐️I want to be a better person⭐️I want to be amazing⭐️I want to be a good human being⭐️I want to be special⭐️I want to be good enough⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want to be healthy⭐️I want to be happy with who I am⭐️I want to be me⭐️I want to be cool⭐️I want to realize that I can be all this things if I just let myself⭐️I want to kiss John Boyega⭐️I want to hug Chris Pratt⭐️I want to smile the way I smile when I see my boyfriend⭐️I love my boyfriend⭐️I want more scars⭐️I want to be more adventurous⭐️I want to be a great person⭐️I want to live a good life⭐️I want Drumpf to resign⭐️I want to be famous⭐️I want to be immortal for all the good and bad it brings⭐️I want to be good⭐️I want to be happy⭐️I want this to end⭐️I love my boyfriend

[deythbanger]

Why?

by DeYtH Banger I know I was around Bob Proctor.. . I was around this guy... one of my first short stories which I have written were about Bob Proctor... Now I have watched TV SHows like Adam Ruins Everything and Penn & Teller: Bullshit. Such shows talk about the daily bullshit we feed ourselfs starting from negative and less value beliefs up to going with mindsets system which don't improve ourselfs but we act as victim and go as victims. We can't have fun, we can't enjoy life... we can't laugh... and even we can't have a great time with people we are going to get to know. I know one of my books I said probably Bob Proctor is a bullshitter... scam artist... a con artist... but let's face it in his Book Art of Living by Bob Proctor. He is talking about a very interesting topic we are not talking about Think and Grow Rich book... First of all I have never read this book and second of all... everybody recommends this book... like it's some kinda diamond... I am sure that is far fetched. No need to be a shithead and let's go for it... Morals stop us from acting the way we want, rules make us feel guilty and parents just make us more stressed and more depressed. If daily bases arguments are in home and they shout and talk and gett angry and mixed all types of emotions are spread around this so far isn't healthy... not fucking healthy... it's crazy... it's insane and one of the best things which people can do is to try somehow to go out... to go far... just for the time in which is happening this shit... for an hour or for 2  hours... and then come back home. No need for  more negativity from inner place... you get enough from this daily energy from outside. YEah... yeah... Plenny of dating products and books and audiobooks and videos and etc. There is pleny on the market self-help, how-to books and pleny others which promise to help you but in the end it's waste of time and waste of money and even lost of memory... I mean computer memory... you put bullshitty stuff on your computer and thinks that it's going to fix you and all you other problems... but in the end let's face it. You are broke, your teacher as school has limited you the same goes and for your friends and family and the best part of this whole story is that you let it happen. You fucking let it to happen, you we were less motivated... less focused and you were going to far from the direction on which you were supposed to go. And we are talking about expressing... but it's a lie I started talking about the stuff which I do... I was using more  imagination... Under I stuch do... I mean interests like which books I am reading, which I am going to read, what I am now reading, What I am watching, What I am going to watch, which games  I am playing... But the real probel mis in us that's it... that's the problem... we stopped ourselfs from grow... we went home and started the bullshitting ourselfs... we said "What we have it's not enough" And this idea so far fetched that we now belief it up to our deeper core values.  There are things which we can change and things which need time and things which is kinda impossible to change.... I am not saying it's not possible, but let's face it bad habbits... you have them because your life isn't good enough... you think you have where more to go... if you were happy person with happy family... and you god your dream job, money and doing what you want and whenever you want... will you go to the bad habbits which could cost memory loss.... or even drug overdose which leads up to dead. As Brian Tracy goes eat the frog... fucking eat the frog as first.... and as last.... probably the whole story or the whole thing of this shit which I am talking which isn't comedy or story another but just a topic which I told is need to be put down... if somebody is interested come here and start reading if not... okay... no judge... no harsh... It's not a comedy in which I am suppossed to be as rude as possible as cruel as possible... I am here not playing nice... I am just going over a topic which came in my mind as idea. Nobody with the right life, mindset and people is going to go for drugs or alcohol... the problem is just that we feel stressed and depressed that's the problem nobody on young age was thinking about the cruel people outside as killer, serial killers, murders, rapist... it's great for hollywood such topics... but moment all this news came to life... fucking came...we put it on the TV... - Mom watching it ... After few days - Dad watching a suspense and a thilelr ... After few months - Friends reading Stephen King After few years - Staying home with no friends... and thinking about what next to play and what next to read After few weeks - Yup now here... Fucking here... thinking about how dumb I am for making this fucking decision... computers and being less social causes social stress and anxiety.. this is going to explain why pleny people are anxious and even old people are screw up...The old fucks are screw up because of their parents and then generation is building fondation upon a screw up nation... just think about it... I am not trying to be smart or be the next George Carlin (He is genius no doubt about this... he is something like my mentor... I have been around comedy specials by him... I have been around books written by  him... I have read scrips written by him... this guy goes as deep as up to the core roots...) We appreaciate what's lost and we go for things we don't care This fucking thing is true... we never appreciate the things we have found and the things we have... loook yourself... probably doing multi tasking... I am not saying i am not doing it... right now I am compiling some kinda audio recordings + I am writting this + I have open plenny of other dating products and in the same time I am thinking about what to remove from my computer and what to stay and let's not forget comedy specials, tv series, tv shows also is on my mind I even ask myself is this the right decision to stay here and talking about this multi tasking problem. Most of us wake up with the thought "let's stay home"... and it's normal when there is no light in darkness... the dark days are dark... under dark I mean depression and stress... I have been talking about this shit everywhere... probably everywhere  I have written... I think it's because it's fucking true... not only dating products suggest this shit but pleny of other psychologist suggest it also and let's not forget medical specialist. What I am putting here is not for the future or from the past it's from "now" moment. We live in a world in which people put not finished stuff for other day... such days never come... probably what we need is to force ourselfs... to do it... probably this is so far the way to do it... Too Much motivation in the end of the day makes you feel like you have done something... but as Dan Lok says... it's useless... so where are going? 1) Motivation is not helping it's just faking results... 2) Procrastination - the whole process of putting it for other day... for another time or even doing other stuff while you do something... is just a simple way explanation of procrastination. Now It's not Bob Proctor here .... right now... I am talking about Jocko Willink... I think here is right as Dan Lok points out and even Jocko Willink... people need discipline to get the habbit of "doing stuff", "finishing stuff", "getting it done", "going for it". All this here are healthy habbits... but it needs pleny of time to start doing it. I am not saying that you can't go insane... and start talking to girls first by going to a restaurant... nothing buying... just selecting table and going alone... up to two... one... four... or even group girls and if there are couples... or even mixed sets... the same is here... I am not saying that you can't do it... you shouldn't... go do it... I am suggesting to do it... but no proper techniques and less value mindsets... it will be fucking nerv wrecking one is to go with proper mindsets and proper reality... one is to go with mindsets which is shaking from every edge of it's corners. Social Media can fuck you over... it's caled social media... but it's not really social... it makes you to send pleny of messages and people  can do this "okay... I got the message... when I can I will reply...". Under I can... I mean... it will be after an hour or even 12 hours... or after a day... or after a week... or even never... never is to long time, isn't it? And that's how pleny of todays discussions go... they go to never... never is period... extended time of nothing really happening... this word pretty negative... probably the problem is  not the word but what comes with it... what fuckings comes... negative impact. Lies are another horrible feature of the human race... people lie... one go too far other just play on the surface... Social media promises don't meet reality.. That you have 200000 friends doesn't mean that you are not alone... it doesn't mean that you are genius and still images talk in volumes when we see images we see  stuff which aren't true at all. Fake love Fake reality Fake friends Fake assumptions This is the truth... images talk in volumes one thing we see and other thing is the reality.

[theliterateape]

My 600-pound Bowl of Cheesy Fear

by Don Hall

According to national health statistics, an average adult male needs 2,500 calories and an average adult female needs 2,000 calories per day to maintain a healthy weight.

Further, it takes 3,500 calories to gain a pound of weight.  Lastly, the most common size for a bowling ball is 13 pounds.

Recently, at a friend’s house, my wife and I stumbled upon a TLC show called “My 600-lb Life” and were suddenly sucked into watching the trials of two women, both of whom were pushing past 600 pounds.  The show is one of those reality documentaries that hit the people being documented at a point in their lives when they realize the dark abyss they have sunk into and are now seeking help.

The first woman could barely get up out of bed, her feet were the size of paint cans and her son, who was easily pushing 350 pounds himself, had to help her roll out of bed, into a wheelchair, roll her out to the parking lot, open up a van and help her roll into the back of the van just to transport her to the televised doctor’s office.

She said she wanted to lose weight but she didn’t really want to put in the work.  “The work” mostly being not eating so much fucking food and taking a few walks a day.  At the end of the episode, it was apparent she would be buried in a piano-sized coffin because she simply didn’t want to lose the equivalent of two whole people.

Don't worry, though. At our current rate of political genius, she'll be president in no time at all.

Around ten years ago, I was carrying around 265 pounds of weight.  I was a chunky dude but I thought I was pretty strong and that most of it was “table muscle.”  It was Christmastime and the food was plentiful.  After gorging ourselves for three days straight - turkey, ham, cheeses, crackers, cakes and pies, candy, cheeses, pizza, pizza rolls, tacos, cheeses, mashed potatoes, yams, and bread in every fucking form bread could take, my mom suggested we all go to the gym.

I laughed.  “I don’t go on some treadmill like a hamster on a wheel.  No.  Not for me.”

“You could use some exercise,” my mom gently nudged.

Reluctantly, I decided to go with she and my wife just to see.

LATE NIGHT PERFECTION

One Brick of Cream Cheese 1 can of Hormel chili with beans 1 white onion, diced 1 bag of shredded cheddar cheese 1 large bag of Fritos

Mix the cream cheese, can of chili, onion and cheddar cheese in a casserole dish.  Microwave for eight minutes.  Pour the bag of Fritos into a mixing bowl, dump the gooey mess on top and eat while watching your favorite sci fi series on your laptop.

Calories: 6,400

While watching the TLC show, my mind was flooded with questions about being 600 pounds plus.

How do you get that big? What do you do with your time? How do you wipe your ass?

So, later, I looked it up online.

Weight gain in the land of plenty, regardless of your economic status is fucking easy.  Fast food is the biggest culprit, followed only by snack foods.  Rich people can afford personal chefs and personal trainers.  Middle income people can afford to get a gym membership and like to run 5Ks.  Poor people are pretty much fucked.

A Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Large Fries and a Large Coke (the biggest seller at most McDonald’s) contains 1700 calories.  A bag of regular chips (the tiny ones) are 320 calories.  A Chipotle Burrito is 800 calories.  A beer has around 300 calories.  Do the math, man.  Walking a mile only burns about 70 calories so you’d have to walk 25 miles just to burn off that Mickey Dee’s lunch.  Which is the equivalent of walking to Evanston and back from Smoke Daddy in Wicker Park.

You certainly don’t get to be 600 pounds by doing much walking, or yard work or going to the gym.  Turns out, in fact, that working out has less to do with weight loss than simply not eating as much.  Working out, however, improves your chances as it boosts your metabolism and stamina.  And, you know, that heart thing.

Mom and Jen went off to work out together.  I went to the stair master.  I set the speed to 10 out of 20 because I wanted to start out slow.  Couldn’t do it.  Too fucking fast.  I kept lowering it until it was at 1, the lowest setting, and I did those stairs until I was huffing like I was going to die, sweat pouring into my eyes.  It took me less than five minutes.

So I moved over to an exercise bike.  Same result.  Five minutes on the lowest setting and I thought my chest was going to explode.

Maybe it’s just that I’m strong, right?  I head downstairs to the weight room area.  I can only do two pull ups.  I can only do four tricep pulls with 30 pounds.  I can’t lift more than 25 pounds more than ten times before I turn into a sack of sweaty, grunting suet.  A woman sees me struggling with a dumb bell.  

“Are you Jackie’s son?  She was right.  You got fat!”

BRUNCH ON A SUNDAY IN WICKER PARK

A three egg cheese omelette with sausage: 800 calories A side of bacon: 210 calories Hash browns: 300 calories Three buttermilk pancakes with syrup: 600 calories

How far do I have to run to burn off that brunch? 20 miles.

I found out that for a 600-pound person to wipe his or her ass, they generally need a bidet or a stick with a towel on it, like one of those squeegee guys on the sidewalk.  That they will lift a 125 pound ass cheek to get the stick up under and into the crevice-like ass crack.  That to simply wipe your ass, you’re going to spend about 40 minutes to get to the toilet, take your enormous dump, wipe yourself and clean things up.

If it took me 40 minutes to drop a douce, I’m guessing I’d opt for laying around, the iPad teetering on my giant mound of stomach and just watching Netflix while casually munching on Chicken Nuggets.  So it’s hard to lay too much blame on someone that size for deciding to give up.

I got home from Christmas and joined the YMCA.  I’m not funny enough to be the Funny Fat Guy in any comedy troupe.  I didn’t diet - I just ate half as much as I wanted to.  I worked out for at least 45 minutes every day.  I’d lose some weight and feel elated.  Then do the same amount of work and eat the same amount of food and not drop a pound for two months.  I’d eat bread the night before and gain four pounds.  Pasta?  Fuck you.  Pizza?  Get thee behind me, Satan.  Cheese?  Aw, christ - cheese is my kryptonite.

Snickers Bar = 250 calories Two Pop Tarts = 400 calories A plate of Curly Fries = 600 calories Wendy’s signature Apple Pecan Chicken Salad = 570 Calories

Christ - even Fast Food salads pack on the shit like duct taping clay to your ass.

Two and a half years later, after completely changing how I ate and incorporating a fairly rigorous amount of gym time into my daily grind, I had dropped 80 pounds.  The equivalent of six 13 pound bowling balls.  Down to the weight I was when I graduated high school.

Ten years later, I’m pretty much still around that weight - five or ten pounds depending on the weather and the holidays.  I still count every fucking calorie.  I weigh myself every week. I still work out almost seven days a week.  And I still feel like I’m a fat guy just dying to balloon back up.  Once in a while, I go for a gluttonous meal.  Once in a while, I’ll eat half of a Dimo’s Pizza (3,000 calories) or binge on Snickers Ice Cream bars (180 calories apiece.)  I always feel shitty the next four days because it takes me four days to feel like I’ve worked it off.

Weight loss in the Land of IHOB (…really? IHOB?) is hard. It takes a determination to change yourself. All the quick fixes are horseshit and it's harder when you're poor than when you're rich. Weight loss is change and we don't really want change because change is work. If it's this hard to drop a few bowling balls offa yer giant gut, imagine the work it takes to change your worldview. Imagine the sheer force of will it takes to reverse your own racism or sexism.

When you're scraping by, dancing the dance to pay all of your earnings to a slum landlord and taking out a mortgage to get your colonoscopy, more work is just another big ass boulder to push up that mountain.

On the other hand, I'm guessing Sisyphus was in pretty good shape.

[samanthasroberts]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[adambstingus]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/165493432272

[allofbeercom]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

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I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/

[jimdsmith34]

The Fat Jew’s ‘Money Pizza Respect’ is the worst book I’ve ever read

I wish I liked the Fat Jews new book. It would make a far more interesting piece if he exceeded our expectations. No one I talked to expected it to be good. I bet he didnt even write it, said one friend. I bet he had his interns write it.

To contextualize this for people who arent on the Internet all the time, Josh The Fat Jew Ostrovsky became the center of controversy when he was accused of stealing memes and jokes from comedians this summer. Ostrovsky had been doing this for years, and amassed millions of Instagram followers with his admittedly excellent meme aggregating skills. But comedians took a stand when he signed with the talent agency CAA in August.

Upon reading Money Pizza Respect, there is no doubt in my mind that the unfortunately titled book is penned by the Fat Jew himself; I confidently assert that MoneyPizza Respect is singlehandedly the worst book I have ever read.

His actual sense of humorand Im talking about humor, not the memes he aggregatesis painfully abject. He relies on a Tucker Max-esque style of storytelling, glorifying cocaine and alcohol abuse and fucking his groupies, who all embody a different type of crazy girl stereotype.

In a chapter ironically titled The Eleven Commandments of Not Being the Worst Person Ever, he warns readers that if you aggressively and frequently talk about your sex life, people will think youre gay. When you tell me that you tackled a slam pig and stuffed her axe wound, he writes, I assume that your actual goal is having anal sex with men. Ostrovsky makes sure to note that the only exception to this rule is Dan Bilzerian, who has literally thrown a woman off his roof, breaking her foot, and been accused of kicking another woman in the face.

Money Pizza Respect is laced with homophobic comments. He writes a note to P. Diddy: Sorry for outing you as a homosexual. Im pretty sure you are, but Im sorry. Theres also a healthy dose of sexism, describing his female groupies as a bunch of fours and fives who have giant lady hands hate their dads. To complete the trifecta, he also manages to be transphobic, referring to transgender women as trannies in a chapter chronicling his brothers bachelor party. (When his brother and friends found out the strippers who were giving them lap dances were trans, they left the club immediately.)

Before I met Ostrovsky, I was confused about how he was so successful, especially after reading his book, where he brags about his selfish and generally gross behavior at every possible moment, proudly displays pictures of him wearing a thong made out of beef jerky, and writes things like, Cocaine is the greatest gift the world has ever seen.

When I sat down with him at a press junket, located at an arcade in Chinatown, I immediately understood why hes garnered so much success. He is unfortunately charming and is actually a naturally funny person. Hes like the cool, mean boy in 8th grade, the type who introduced pot to all your friends and made fun of girls for being ugly or not having boobs yet. The type who definitely bullied me, and yet I tirelessly tried to gain his affection.

During our interview, Ostrovsky remained on the defensive, masterful at answering my questions with non-answers. He is somebody who has never taken life seriously, which is perhaps not too difficult for a straight, white, affluent male. He is fundamentally interested in his conception of fun, and hopes youll join him for the ride. If not, fuck off.

Its not that I began to like Ostrovsky or his book any more after meeting him, but I went from hating him to feeling an iota of pity for him. His flamboyant and unapologetic immaturity, his bratty affect: This is what has brought him success, and what I imagine will be his inevitable downfall.

So my approach for this interview, because I know a lot of people have been shitting on you, is to not shit on you.

No ones been shitting on me.

I was curious about how that affected you emotionally, and how you felt about getting blasted by the media.

It was definitely a shitty situation. Im of the Internet, so its like a lot of people screaming about things. I respect trolling. I respect people screaming at one another, which is why the Internet is so fucking great. I definitely didnt take it personally. It was also something that needed to get talked about. People were not on the same page. Like a 38-year-old comedy writer and a 16-year-old Filipino millennial were not seeing the issue the same way.

I try to look at it like I was the face of the whole thing. I mean the Internet is a giant, lawless fuckin thing. Sometimes we need some rules But not too many. Because that would be weird. No parents. But you know, sometimes people get pissed. I obviously see it from the 16-year-old Filipino millennial side. I dont look for credit on my stuff and I dont ever watermark or anything like that, but I also get the other side too. Im old enough to understand both sides. I just want everyone to be happy so were fuckin partying.

Instagram for fucking photos of dogs playing volleyball in sunglasses and iguanas surfing. I just want to have everyone get heard, fix the problem, and then get back to surfing iguanas. It didnt rock me emotionally because I just saw it as something that needed to be discussed. It definitely got dangerous and exciting at some points. People just get so crazy, theres a portion of people who dont even know what theyre screaming about. I got chased by TMZ. Some guy followed me around a Duane Reade recording my phone call. That was tight.

You liked that?

I kinda felt like Leo , for like a second. It was also scary. No one wants that life. I was trying to look at it like this is a conversation that needed to be had. I didnt look at it as being shit on. The Internet is more important to me than my family or anything. I would love to be with the Internet, have sex with the Internet, I love the Internet. Now its a better place.

Why was it important for you to celebrate drugs, specifically cocaine, in your book?

Its a mixed bag. I refer to it as the best and worst thing ever. Part of the ethos of this book is that its a how-to guide in that its like I dont know what you should be doing but I know what you shouldnt be doing. Ive seen every horrible thing. I basically think you read this book and you dont do coke. Because youre like, its gonna make me unbearable. Like my breath is gonna smell like a diaper and get into a super intense conversation about stuff I dont even care about.

I think it depends on how old the reader is. For me, Ive done coke so I understood more where you were coming from in that it can be great and terrible at the same time. From a teenagers standpoint, it might just look really cool.

It depends. Im pretty explicit that its been responsible for the greatest things that ever happened, but also some of the most horrendous things, too. I think its more self-reflective than it is encouraging.

Your book is provocative is many ways. People are going to interpret some of the content as transphobic and homophobic. I was thinking of the chapter where you refer to trans women as trannies.

I dont know what youre specifically referring to.

You wrote about tranny strippers. Thats a contentious word. Many trans people have spoken out about how hurtful they find that term to be. I was curious about how you would respond to those critics.

is a factual account of what happened. Youre talking about an actual pejorative word?

Yeah. Its a slur. There were a bunch of moments in the book where I read something and immediately thought about how angry it would make social justice activists on the Internet.

Social justice people are angry at everything.

I was wondering if you included some things specifically to be provocative.

No, definitely not. First of all, any social justice person can come at me at any time. I literally have more transgender friends who will vouch for me than anyone. They self-identify as trannies. Ask a transgender who is not a nerd from the Internet how they identify, and I bet you will find hundreds who identify as trannies.

I know transgender folks who identify that way. Its like the N-word. If they call themselves that, its OK. But having a cis person is a different story.

Any person who would find offense in that kind of minutia is not someone who should be reading this book.

Its not your audience, thats probably true.

That shouldnt be anyones audience, as far Im concerned.

As I was reading your book, I was thinking about your crazy drug and sex stories as they relate to Tucker Maxs stories from I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Was he somebody who influenced you?

No, thats like bro culture stuff. This is completely different.

Tonally, there were similarities.

Ive never read it, but I also think that in terms of this book, like Ive been living performance art long enough to write a book full of debaucherous stories, but I wanted to go with more pathos, truth. From what I understand from Tucker Maxs stuff, he doesnt really go into too much stuff like that. Not all the stories here are particularly turnt up, as far as Im concerned. There are some that are honest family stories, not every story is about partying.

But a lot of them are.

We can go through it When I was writing it, putting in some emotion and truth, and some real feeling on it, like talking about my mom having sex with Shel Silverstein and being a 9-year-old child actor diva. Shit like that, to me, that is not the same as walking around a bar with a breathalyzer . I dont not relate to it, but Ive never read any of his stuff.

Ostrovsky as a child actor Josh Ostrovsky

Do you differentiate between the Fat Jew as your performative character and yourself as Josh?

No. I dont go home at night and unscrew the hairection , sit down, and listen to This American Life and be like, Oh, what a hard day at work! Being the Fat Jew! No, its all one in the same. To me, that would be disingenuous. I was doing this stuff long before there was anywhere to share it, long before anyone knew about it. Ten years ago, people in New York would be like, Oh thats the Fat Jew, the guy who does crazy stuff. It wasnt something I created and cultivated in order to share on social media for the masses.

But this is your career, this is your passion, but a lot of artists and actors differentiate between their performative self, which is still their self, and who they are when theyre not performing.

Im not an artist or an actor. Im neither.

How do you identify?

Im the only one whos really just going for it. Im genuinely making it up as I go along. I could start a ros company and that could become a real thing. Im about to do the worlds first EDM cologne.

What is that gonna smell like?

I dont know. Thats a good question. Like I dont even know what that means but Im gonna do it. Its 2015. Anything is possible. The world is so ridiculous at this point. I might open a yoga ashram in Toronto. Who knows? Im one of the only people who doesnt consider anything on or off limits. I dont think that it can be defined. We have this human need to compartmentalize, to be like, What are you? But I dont know.

I guess its my job to say, as a writer trying to make sense of what you do.

I dont think theres anything to make sense of. I dont know. What do you think I do?

I think youre a content creator and performer.

Thats vague. But yeah. Im not not. But thats what Im saying. I like to keep people guessing, keep people off kilter. If people think Im a comedian, I will move in a totally different direction and start making cologne. I wanna make people go, What the fuck? Keeping people guessing, keeping genuine conversation going about me, whether its, I dont want to say the word negative, but whatever its gonna be, thats what I am. A conversation starter? I dont know.

Tastemaker?

Conversation piece? Idiot? All of the above?

Whats your goal with your book? Why do you do what you do? Aside from the fact that you just want to do it.

The end goal with the book is that I think I can get some turnt-up 18-year-old to read. Thats the challenge, like, can you get fuckin some kids to read and think its really fuckin chill? Is that doable? Ill literally do it just for that.

Were doing reading raves to promote the book. IRL is what the programs called. Its just like huge DJs and books. Like, can you make them read? I think its doable. I dont think publishing knows how to do it. I dont think parents know how to do it.

So you want to make reading cool?

Kind of. What if Im somehow the guy to do it?

What are your favorite books?

I love Shel Silverstein, and not only because my mom fucked him. Mostly, Im the type to read 100 listicles. Like, what kind of bagel is Rihanna? You know what I mean? One-hundred times Rihanna ate fruit. Im not reading enough books.

No ones reading enough books.

Maybe now? That would fucking weird. To get a fucking 17-year-old whos over it to sit down and read an entire book? I mean I put in some stuff to break up the chapters, like you can color in a picture of Tyrese. I mean, I dont want you to have to read too much.

Illustration by Max Fleishman

Popular on The Daily Dot

I went to the Rentboy liquidation sale, and all I got was this amazing escort swag

After a massive federal raid, Rentboy had to sell its entire office on Craigslist to pay its lawyers.

By Mary Emily O'Hara — November 02, 2015

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/09/19/the-fat-jewaes-money-pizza-respect-is-the-worst-book-iaeve-ever-read/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/09/the-fat-jewas-money-pizza-respect-is.html