#alfred answer

[alfred--pennyworth]

Greetings Mr. Pennyworth,

I wish to settle an argument with a friend—HAVE you been seeing Commissioner Gordon in a more… shall we say “intimate” light recently? With how much you dote on Mr. Wayne and with how much Commissioner Gordon seems to look out for Mr. Wayne, you two seem to run into each other a lot. I imagine that he’s become something of a close confidant for your ward’s… nightly activities?

Mr. Gordon is a friend of the family and nothing more.

[queeniewithabeanie]

The Nappers

Dpxdc Prompt #10

Danny was really excited to spend the summer with his second cousin(?) he didn't really remember, but apparently Jack Fenton's cousin was Gotham billionaire Bruce Wayne, a serial adopter.

Jazz had discovered the connection and gave him a call to see if he'd mind Danny staying over for summer because Danny decided he was going to tell his parents at the end of summer about his ghost problem, and Jazz wanted him to have a safety net.

He didn't really have a big family at home, with his parents being largely... absent and Jazz moving to Gotham for college. It would be great to be in a house that wasn't empty again.

Now if only his newly discovered family could stay awake long enough for Danny to talk to them.

"So how's living with our cousins?" Jazz asked him through his Fenton-phone. He flopped onto his bed and groaned.

"They're all seem nice but I haven't really seen enough of them to know yet."

"Danny, you've already been there a week, shouldn't you know them at least a little bit? You usually warm up to people quickly, as long as they aren't trying to kill you."

"Man I kinda wish they were out to get me, then I'd probably see more of them than I have already."

"..."

"..."

"Okay Danny walk me through our family, and what you know so far about them."

"Well first there's Dick, he apparently lives in Bludhaven and supposedly comes back to Gotham to visit fairly often, haven't seen any of him yet though."

"Then there's Jason, I've seen him come over after dinner a couple of times, but he's seemed in a really bad mood and I'm getting weird vibes from him so I haven't talked to him much yet either."

"Cass, Steph, Tim, Damian, and Bruce are the ones that actually live here at the manor and outside of when I first arrived I haven't actually seen them awake enough to talk to me. Anytime I've caught a glimpse of them they're taking naps and I'd feel bad waking them up, Tim especially (he looks like he needs the rest)."

"What are they, nocturnal or something?

"That's what I thought too! But the Manor is even more dead during the night than the day. If I had wanted to live with a bunch of zombies I'd have spent summer in the zone, not come all the way here."

"The only people that have stayed awake long enough for me to actually get to know them are Duke and Alfred! Duke's great, but he seems to have a day job so I only see him for breakfast and dinner and any time I can catch him before he sleeps after. Alfred's amazing, but he already has so much to do around the Manor, I feel bad bothering him."

"It is only the first week you're there, and there was a huge Arkham breakout your first day so everybody around Gotham is a bit tense while the Bats are trying to recatch everyone. Could you give it another week for me? See if it'll be an option for if our parents react badly?"

"For you, Jazz, I'll give it another week, but I can't just trade one empty house for another."

"Thanks, little brother."

"Love you, Jazz, bye."

Danny hung up the phone and sighed, he new there was something off with his cousins, but he couldn't quite place it. Constantly napping, disappearing during the nights, but always on guard when they were awake.

He had a week to figure it out, but if he didn't there'd be no real lost love. He'd come up with some excuse, stay with Jazz for the summer or something. If his parents reacted badly and he didn't have this safety net, it'd be difficult sure, but Danny and Jazz would figure it out.

Danny thought it would be nice to have some other family that had his back for once, but hey, maybe he just had shitty luck when it came to blood relations.

[prlssprfctn]

Bruce being the man he is will have this need to check on his kids while they sleep. Most parents stop doing this as they get older and especially when their kids move out but not Bruce.

He can't not check all of his kids when he is like this, even if it takes hours. And when he's there he'll just stand in the corner to make sure everything is good before disappearing in the night.

Now Damian is the easiest since he still lives im the manor. When Dick and Cass are in town they also stay in the manor but he is not afraid to drive to Bludhaven or take a flight to Hong Kong to calm his nerves. Steph, Duke, and Barbara all live with their families so it isn't the hardest to track. Tim has his apartment that he stays in which is a fast drive away. But Jason, oh Jason, while he does have a nice apartment, he frequents his safe houses more than his siblings. It makes it so Bruce has to run down a list of known locations hoping Jason didn't find a new one.

If he can't find one them after exhausting the list of possible locations they could be at it reaffirms why he has to check each of them whenever he can. Before he can jump into paranoid detective dad they'll walk in with tacos from down the street, averting a crisis.

i just KNOW Jason doesn't help Bruce's paranoia with his random disappearances. Bruce tries to cope by just checking his location, because he did promise Jason some space, but Jason is always on random ass side quests, so it usually goes like this:

Bruce: i hadn't seen Jason since the morning. i need to check his location. Bruce: Bruce: Alfred: is everything okay, master Bruce? Bruce with his eye twitching: what a one does in Sri Lanka all of a sudden? Alfred: ...uh.

Bruce: your trackers stopped working, Jason! I couldn't find you! do you think it is okay?! Jason: okay, damn, it is not like it was intentional, and i can explain??? Bruce: oh, be my guest. explain how come they just turned itself off by themselves and started working magically! Jason: see? you already know the answer - magically! Jason: so, lol, i actually travelled in the past by the accident. Bruce: WHAT

Bruce: Jason's GPS cannot name the location he is in for an hour now. can't help but wonder what it is now. Dick: bet on some magic quest Tim: it happened yesterday. i think he is helping Al Ghuls today Damian: no, Todd had a banter with Ra's, so i doubt he would go for that. Cassandra: All-Caste? Duke: lmao, would be really funny if GPS just broke Stephanie: put your money in the hat, ladies and gentlemen... Bruce: *sighs* Jason, a few hours later: guys, you won't believe what just happened. so, i crushed my airplane by the accident - no, Bruce, wait, that is not the point - and you know where it landed? in FUCKING Hanging Gardens of Babylon???? IT APPARENTLY EXISTS!!! LIKE NOT REMAININGS A FULL MAGIC AHH GARDENS STAIGHT FROM TALES- Stephanie, sliding all money to Alfred: dang. how could you predict something so specific? Alfred, who got selfies from Jason: oh, well, I am an excellent butler.

[goddessofbees]

YAY! OK, so, do the batsblings get to babysit ever? If yes, what is the order in which they are asked if they aren't banned from babysitting(and yes, this can include the grandparent(bruce) or great-grandparent(alfred))

(Also, I can do multiple questions in one ask so your inbox isn't flooded if you want!)

Yeah when they find out, which depending on the bat sibling was sometime before the twins were born and a little bit after. Cass is the #1 babysitter and after that it depends on how annoying they were to Jason, cause most times Dan will let Clockwork babysit. Bruce gets regularly banned from babysitting and then Alfred ends up babysitting, Jason is kinda still bitter about the stalking incident...

Dick ends up crying when he babysits, Tim's an okay babysitter but he's busy most days, Cass and Steph love babysitting and take them out to shop often. Damian doesn't babysit, mostly cause he doesn't understand how to treat them so he would need someone else to be with him to help.

(also thank you! That's really helpful!)

[luludeluluramblings]

Ask and you shall receive ¬

Bless you, but this just makes what Alfred does even more baffling.

19 bedrooms. (I’m assuming similar, if not more, bathrooms.

2 libraries.

2 ballrooms.

2 kitchens. (Plus a scullery. And that’s an industrial freezer. My dudes, that is built for restaurants. Can you imagine having to clean that out every so often?)

2 dinning rooms and a breakfast nook.

That laundry room is the size of a laundromat.

Plus, if it’s carpet, they have to get that cleaned. Which is a lot of work for one dude.

Even if everyone pitched in by just cleaning after themselves, it’s still a pain in the ass to maintain.

And, let’s face it, Bruce’s paranoid ass will only hire people on rare occasions incase they might snoop or be a danger to the family. (NDA’s and background checks for everybody and their Brother.)

So, HOW THE FUCK IS ALFRED CLEANING ALL THIS? I need cleaning tips from him. Forget Marie Kondo, Alfred is the GOAT of order. And, he’s hiding guns in this place. Guns that need to probably be maintain.

God, I’d give Bruce so much shit if I was him. All his snark/sarcasm is completely justified.

[ivanscarf]

allies idol au!

[frownyalfred]

Batfam Ask: what height do you headcanon them to be?

Jason - 6'4 (a good 4 inches are from the Pit)

Bruce - 6'1 or 6'2 (depending on how angsty I'm being; he's big like Affleck though. if he's closer to 6 feet Dick has a chance at pretending to be Batman; if he's closer to 6'2 then Jason's probably the only one who can wear the suit easily)

Duke - 6'0 (in my AU he's probably a little shorter and hasn't reached his full height yet)

Dick - 5'10 (so close to six feet, it kills him)

Tim - 5'9 (short king, surprisingly ok with it)

Cass - 5'8 (I know she's shorter in canon but I need her to be able to hold her own and 5'5 just isn't as believable to me I'm sorry)

Barbara - 5'6 (three inches above the national average for women, she likes to remind people)

Steph - 5'5 (quick because she's shorter than everyone else, but tall enough she still has a fighting chance with a larger opponent)

Damian - 5'0 (adult height is 5'8-5'9, coincidentally this is also Talia's height...didn't inherit that gene from Bruce, rip buddy)

Bonus: Alfred is 5'11 but no one can firmly identify his true height if asked. He's both short and tall depending on the situation. Clark is 6'3 and lords that extra inch over Bruce all the time; Jason does the same, but to him instead. He's one inch taller than Superman - the Pit was totally worth it, huh?

[idontcaboose]

Haunted car au, pt 6

The next part is fighting me a bit, so I will just post this one for now.

Previous

Duke reeeaalllyyy does not get paid enough for this.

Good news, he was able to get the names of the dealers and suppliers and also narrowed down the places of interest to three warehouses. All he had to do was drop that info onto the server for the night crew, and that was that, not his problem anymore.

Bad news, the car is becoming his problem.

When Duke entered the cave, he could see the wheels turning, and not in a sick burnout way Jason does anytime he gets behind the wheel, they were just turning left and right. Then to add more insult to Duke's attempt at ignoring it, the car opened its driver door in what may have been a mockery of a greeting. Honestly, Duke could have also ignored that but then it seemed to fucking Panic and set off its own alarms and proceed to flail all the doors open and reverse to the point that the back wheels made it off the platform and into the gutter that runs though the cave. If Duke was a betting man, and he was, he would bet that whatever possessed or replaced the Batmobile was so incompetent that he had to worry more about Its safety from the Batfam. Whether that was protection from arrest or adoption is still up in the air.

Either way, this is becoming Duke's problem. He is really not paid enough for this. Time to calm down a sentient car.

“Hey, car buddy? You ok?”

Duke wasn't sure what he was expecting when he was talking to a car of all things, but absolute silence wasn’t it. Was this thing going to try to play car now? After everything that just happened? Duke slowly walked up to the driver's side door and looked in for the green blob person, only to see them in the back seat sprawled out. Duke tried to not think too hard while putting the car back in its spot, but the list of facts he has so far kept ticking.

1. The Batmobile has a new passenger or has been replaced

2. The thing/person is not good at hiding, so probably not a villain plot

2a. If it is a villain plot, they got the absolutely wrong person to do it

2aa. Possible meta forced to spy?

3. The person just freaked out so hard they fainted after setting off the Batmobile alarms.

4. Alfred will know what to do right?

5. Try to communicate again with the person in the car.

It didn't take long for the blur on the backseat to shift again. Luckily they didn't immediately jump into the driver's seat, where Duke still sat. Duke turned to look in the backseat, time to start this interrogation.

“Hey, you ok?” Duke was happy that he was able to see the head nod that the fuzzy blur gave.

“That's good. Now, I can't see you too well, but we can work out some basic questions, alright?” Another head nod answered him.

"Are you in danger? Like, did someone force you to do this?” The head shake that was produced shook the car. Duke internally sighed in relief, not a villain plot or meta trafficking gone wrong.

“So this was just an accident, and I am guessing you are now stuck?” Duke knew he was not as good at body language reading as the others, but the wave of embarrassment and resignation this blob was giving off confirmed that whoever/whatever this is, was not a total threat.

Next?

As usual tag list!

@kizzer55555 @sebas-nights @candeartist422 @trappednyourheart @fandom-life-corrupted-me @tkiesai @2lbballpeenhammer @admiralwidow @rewrittenwrongs @whotfevenknowsanymore @symmetricalastigmatism @atinygracie

[forsoobado137]

How would Alfred (and/or nyo America) react to TikTok getting banned in the U.S.

[alfred--pennyworth]

Mr.pennyworth, what was your reaction to Bruce dating Clark Kent?

Mr. Kent is a very sweet young man. He's faithful and thoughtful. He's everything I wanted for Master Bruce.

[iamhereforfunnzies]

I saw your blind reader post and hear me out, Toph Beijing reader? Like they neglected them and didn’t realize that reader was an earth bender (and one of the best at that). I don’t know just some food for thought! I really love your work by the way!

The main inspo was actually Toph!! But I asked myself what if Toph was never founded by team avatar. Also the main difference between Toph and blind!reader is that reader is far far far more bratty compared to Toph (suprise2x).

Blind!Reader is the type who only founded being a Earthbender by tripping themselves 3 times and complained to alfred about it. (Alfred is confused about the dents around the garden and manor) , and Blind!Reader's bending style would actually be more similar with fire bending because of her lack of control and repressed unadulterated rage of being babied.

Their unique style of bending actually sky rocket them to being one of the best, even with their distructive tendency , Bruce would be like Toph's dad (obvi) and be far more Denial about your mutant abilities . Alfred would be stress 100% he is losing hair about it since in his eyes you were more like glass than human. Absolute becomes more over bearing to the max same with Dick grayson , your older brother is trying to puzzle the pieces with your bending and how much it's turning you to be more aggressive and hostille it's like seeing his kid self again.

[prlssprfctn]

Jason and Alfred go to a shooting range on their birthday, the bats are not invited

that's what they get for no gun policy! /j

Jason and Alfred have the most stereotypical elder people activities together is my favourite thing ever, tbh. hunting together. going on shooting ranges. walking for hours around the parks, hands folded behind, discussing politics. watching soap operas. fixing stuff. sending newspaper cut-outs instead of links on articles. so much fun.

others make fun of them, and then get sad that they are excluded, but this is THEIR problem. they can't understand the old souls like that.

[erinwantstowrite]

Hey Dick, how does it feel that Peter will most likely be better at any acrobatic trick? (Anything you can do, he can do better, boy he can do it in broken heels.) (I'm sorry)

[anxiousnerdwritings]

What if Platonic!Damien actually managed to run away with the reader. How would everyone else react???

Alfred is completely and utterly relieved to hear the news that Damian finally got the Reader out and away from this deplorable situation. Whether he helped make it happen or not, Alfred would be so happy just imagining Damian and the Reader running off into the sunset, far, far away from Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim and the manor. He’d have to hold his true thoughts and feelings on the matter close to his chest but he is truly grateful that the two of them got out. Alfred knows damn well that Bruce and the others won’t give up on finding and bringing Damian and the Reader home but he’ll do as much as he can to make it as difficult as possible for them to be found. Even if he has to betray Bruce’s trust to the maximum, he’ll do it. He has to.

Bruce would be livid, but not at first. I could see him (and the others) thinking that this is all just Damian being dramatic and trying to have the Reader’s attention all to himself like per usual but this time Damian isn’t cooping the Reader up in his room or locking him and the Reader up in the Reader’s room and keeping everyone else out, this time Damian’s taken them completely out of the manor and out of Gotham for that matter. It isn’t until it’s been made more than apparent that Damian has no intention of coming back with the Reader (or at all) or even letting them see the Reader that Bruce becomes much more serious and intense about the situation at hand. Not to mention finding out that Alfred has been aiding in the efforts of keeping Damian and the Reader in the wind adds even more to the feelings of hurt and betrayal running rampant in Bruce. But he won’t give. Even if he can’t ever truly trust Alfred ever again, or the fact that he will surely have to severely punish both Damian and the Reader when he finds them, Bruce won’t stop for anything.

Dick would be pretty upset but even then I don’t think he would take it too seriously or at the very least wouldn’t want to believe that Damian would do that to them until it became glaringly obvious that yes he did do just that. Dick would wholeheartedly believe that he could convince both Damian and the Reader to come back home, whether they actually do is another thing. But he would try, and I mean by any means. Dick is extremely manipulative and especially desperate in this situation making his manipulation know no bounds. He’ll say whatever and do whatever if it means his darling is coming home.

Jason would be absolutely livid right off the bat. He’s ready to go kick Damian’s ass and bring their darling home the second he gets word of what’s happened, whether he comes back with Damian in tow is something else. To say Jason is pissed would be an understatement, he can’t say he’s actually surprised about any of this but he’s certainly annoyed by it. Who the hell even gave the brat the idea that he could just steal their darling away from them like that? Jason already wasn’t too happy to have to share to begin with but this, this isn’t gonna happen. Not on his watch. And the moment when Bruce gives him the go ahead to be rough with Damian when they find out where exactly the two of you have been hiding, Jason couldn’t be more thrilled.

Tim would immediately be set on trying to find where in the hell the two of you could be hiding out. Talk about losing sleep, he wouldn’t so much as allow himself to blink until he found the exact coordinates to their darling’s location. This boy is pulling out all the tricks. The only way he’ll finally be able to rest is when he has his darling in his arms again and so help him he fucking will. As much as he’d love to get a few hits in on Damian when they finally find the two of them, Tim would much rather just get to feel their darling again. Make sure they’re okay before he takes them out of the hideout they’ve surely been cooped up in to leave Bruce, Dick, and Jason to deal with Damian while he finally gets that long awaited nap he so deserves and getting to cuddle up with his darling too.

[iincogneeto]

Hanz! (BVZ oc) *thank you to beta and sol for helping me figure out that I didn’t post this yet

MEIN FREUND🔥🔥🔥🇩🇪🇩🇪🇩🇪🇩🇪🇩🇪🍻🍺🍺🍺🍺🍻🍻🍻GERMANY🥶🥶🥶🥶I love him sm

[mysterycitrus]

Do you have any opinions or hot takes about Alfred Pennyworth?

im gonna upset the alfred girlies but my hot take for alfred is that he's bruce's most dedicated enabler and often hides behind being "the help" to disguise the fact that yeah, historically he has just stood by and let bruce do horrible things.

a lot of that is like... bruce is his kid, and alfred is bruce's father, but also they rarely vocalise it because alfred is british + bruce is bruce + would it be seen as a disservice to thomas wayne, whose death was a key instigator in bruce's path to becoming batman? i also think that alfred raising bruce in the wake of his parent's murder was always going to change how alfred held bruce accountable for the things he did. how can u be hard on a kid who's just lost everything, even when that kid goes on to hurt others, including his own kids? like bruce is alfred's son, and alfred loves bruce more than anyone else, including alfred's own children (irony).

that doesn't make him a bad person necessarily but it does explain a lot of his actions. sometimes, sure, he'll shout at bruce, and storm away, or be silently disapproving, but ultimately he'll still stand on the sidelines and watch rather than acting in the moment. it's easier to express disapproval after the fact than actually confront bruce and force some kind of change. it's easier for alfred to excuse his own behaviour this way, too. he'll lecture bruce about his sleeping habits, his protein intake, but it isn't common that he goes against what bruce actually wants. that maintains their relationship equilibrium.

i also think examining alfred's relationships with bruce's kids is interesting, especially since there's this pervasive idea that jason is alfred's favourite which is.... lol. the dynamics of dick's time as robin are always gonna be a lil funky as a result of its 40+ year timeline but both alfred and bruce both refer to dick as their boy. dick is a grandson figure, sure, but he's also like... alfred's other son in a lot of ways, as much as he is bruce's. alfred was that other parent when dick was growing up. and with that in mind, he also relies on dick as a support to emotionally regulate bruce.

that doesn't mean alfred only cares about bruce, obviously, but every successive person who joins the family is going to be tempered through the lens of bruce is alfred's son, and bruce is also alfred's employer. clearly bruce doesn't think of him that way, but it's still pervasive. that relationship will always have the foundation of a butler raising the traumatised, angry child of the couple who hired him, and then watching that child grow into someone who is the literal embodiment of my way or the highway. i imagine there's some guilt there. wondering what could have been prevented if he'd raised his voice.