#alfred answer

[alfred--pennyworth]

Greetings Mr. Pennyworth,

I wish to settle an argument with a friend—HAVE you been seeing Commissioner Gordon in a more… shall we say “intimate” light recently? With how much you dote on Mr. Wayne and with how much Commissioner Gordon seems to look out for Mr. Wayne, you two seem to run into each other a lot. I imagine that he’s become something of a close confidant for your ward’s… nightly activities?

Mr. Gordon is a friend of the family and nothing more.

[luludeluluramblings]

Ask and you shall receive ¬

Bless you, but this just makes what Alfred does even more baffling.

19 bedrooms. (I��m assuming similar, if not more, bathrooms.

2 libraries.

2 ballrooms.

2 kitchens. (Plus a scullery. And that’s an industrial freezer. My dudes, that is built for restaurants. Can you imagine having to clean that out every so often?)

2 dinning rooms and a breakfast nook.

That laundry room is the size of a laundromat.

Plus, if it’s carpet, they have to get that cleaned. Which is a lot of work for one dude.

Even if everyone pitched in by just cleaning after themselves, it’s still a pain in the ass to maintain.

And, let’s face it, Bruce’s paranoid ass will only hire people on rare occasions incase they might snoop or be a danger to the family. (NDA’s and background checks for everybody and their Brother.)

So, HOW THE FUCK IS ALFRED CLEANING ALL THIS? I need cleaning tips from him. Forget Marie Kondo, Alfred is the GOAT of order. And, he’s hiding guns in this place. Guns that need to probably be maintain.

God, I’d give Bruce so much shit if I was him. All his snark/sarcasm is completely justified.

[ivanscarf]

allies idol au!

[frownyalfred]

Batfam Ask: what height do you headcanon them to be?

Jason - 6'4 (a good 4 inches are from the Pit)

Bruce - 6'1 or 6'2 (depending on how angsty I'm being; he's big like Affleck though. if he's closer to 6 feet Dick has a chance at pretending to be Batman; if he's closer to 6'2 then Jason's probably the only one who can wear the suit easily)

Duke - 6'0 (in my AU he's probably a little shorter and hasn't reached his full height yet)

Dick - 5'10 (so close to six feet, it kills him)

Tim - 5'9 (short king, surprisingly ok with it)

Cass - 5'8 (I know she's shorter in canon but I need her to be able to hold her own and 5'5 just isn't as believable to me I'm sorry)

Barbara - 5'6 (three inches above the national average for women, she likes to remind people)

Steph - 5'5 (quick because she's shorter than everyone else, but tall enough she still has a fighting chance with a larger opponent)

Damian - 5'0 (adult height is 5'8-5'9, coincidentally this is also Talia's height...didn't inherit that gene from Bruce, rip buddy)

Bonus: Alfred is 5'11 but no one can firmly identify his true height if asked. He's both short and tall depending on the situation. Clark is 6'3 and lords that extra inch over Bruce all the time; Jason does the same, but to him instead. He's one inch taller than Superman - the Pit was totally worth it, huh?

[goddessofbees]

YAY! OK, so, do the batsblings get to babysit ever? If yes, what is the order in which they are asked if they aren't banned from babysitting(and yes, this can include the grandparent(bruce) or great-grandparent(alfred))

(Also, I can do multiple questions in one ask so your inbox isn't flooded if you want!)

Yeah when they find out, which depending on the bat sibling was sometime before the twins were born and a little bit after. Cass is the #1 babysitter and after that it depends on how annoying they were to Jason, cause most times Dan will let Clockwork babysit. Bruce gets regularly banned from babysitting and then Alfred ends up babysitting, Jason is kinda still bitter about the stalking incident...

Dick ends up crying when he babysits, Tim's an okay babysitter but he's busy most days, Cass and Steph love babysitting and take them out to shop often. Damian doesn't babysit, mostly cause he doesn't understand how to treat them so he would need someone else to be with him to help.

(also thank you! That's really helpful!)

[idontcaboose]

Haunted car au, pt 6

The next part is fighting me a bit, so I will just post this one for now.

Previous

Duke reeeaalllyyy does not get paid enough for this.

Good news, he was able to get the names of the dealers and suppliers and also narrowed down the places of interest to three warehouses. All he had to do was drop that info onto the server for the night crew, and that was that, not his problem anymore.

Bad news, the car is becoming his problem.

When Duke entered the cave, he could see the wheels turning, and not in a sick burnout way Jason does anytime he gets behind the wheel, they were just turning left and right. Then to add more insult to Duke's attempt at ignoring it, the car opened its driver door in what may have been a mockery of a greeting. Honestly, Duke could have also ignored that but then it seemed to fucking Panic and set off its own alarms and proceed to flail all the doors open and reverse to the point that the back wheels made it off the platform and into the gutter that runs though the cave. If Duke was a betting man, and he was, he would bet that whatever possessed or replaced the Batmobile was so incompetent that he had to worry more about Its safety from the Batfam. Whether that was protection from arrest or adoption is still up in the air.

Either way, this is becoming Duke's problem. He is really not paid enough for this. Time to calm down a sentient car.

“Hey, car buddy? You ok?”

Duke wasn't sure what he was expecting when he was talking to a car of all things, but absolute silence wasn’t it. Was this thing going to try to play car now? After everything that just happened? Duke slowly walked up to the driver's side door and looked in for the green blob person, only to see them in the back seat sprawled out. Duke tried to not think too hard while putting the car back in its spot, but the list of facts he has so far kept ticking.

1. The Batmobile has a new passenger or has been replaced

2. The thing/person is not good at hiding, so probably not a villain plot

2a. If it is a villain plot, they got the absolutely wrong person to do it

2aa. Possible meta forced to spy?

3. The person just freaked out so hard they fainted after setting off the Batmobile alarms.

4. Alfred will know what to do right?

5. Try to communicate again with the person in the car.

It didn't take long for the blur on the backseat to shift again. Luckily they didn't immediately jump into the driver's seat, where Duke still sat. Duke turned to look in the backseat, time to start this interrogation.

“Hey, you ok?” Duke was happy that he was able to see the head nod that the fuzzy blur gave.

“That's good. Now, I can't see you too well, but we can work out some basic questions, alright?” Another head nod answered him.

"Are you in danger? Like, did someone force you to do this?” The head shake that was produced shook the car. Duke internally sighed in relief, not a villain plot or meta trafficking gone wrong.

“So this was just an accident, and I am guessing you are now stuck?” Duke knew he was not as good at body language reading as the others, but the wave of embarrassment and resignation this blob was giving off confirmed that whoever/whatever this is, was not a total threat.

Next?

As usual tag list!

@kizzer55555 @sebas-nights @candeartist422 @trappednyourheart @fandom-life-corrupted-me @tkiesai @2lbballpeenhammer @admiralwidow @rewrittenwrongs @whotfevenknowsanymore @symmetricalastigmatism @atinygracie

[erinwantstowrite]

Hey Dick, how does it feel that Peter will most likely be better at any acrobatic trick? (Anything you can do, he can do better, boy he can do it in broken heels.) (I'm sorry)

[anxiousnerdwritings]

What if Platonic!Damien actually managed to run away with the reader. How would everyone else react???

Alfred is completely and utterly relieved to hear the news that Damian finally got the Reader out and away from this deplorable situation. Whether he helped make it happen or not, Alfred would be so happy just imagining Damian and the Reader running off into the sunset, far, far away from Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim and the manor. He’d have to hold his true thoughts and feelings on the matter close to his chest but he is truly grateful that the two of them got out. Alfred knows damn well that Bruce and the others won’t give up on finding and bringing Damian and the Reader home but he’ll do as much as he can to make it as difficult as possible for them to be found. Even if he has to betray Bruce’s trust to the maximum, he’ll do it. He has to.

Bruce would be livid, but not at first. I could see him (and the others) thinking that this is all just Damian being dramatic and trying to have the Reader’s attention all to himself like per usual but this time Damian isn’t cooping the Reader up in his room or locking him and the Reader up in the Reader’s room and keeping everyone else out, this time Damian’s taken them completely out of the manor and out of Gotham for that matter. It isn’t until it’s been made more than apparent that Damian has no intention of coming back with the Reader (or at all) or even letting them see the Reader that Bruce becomes much more serious and intense about the situation at hand. Not to mention finding out that Alfred has been aiding in the efforts of keeping Damian and the Reader in the wind adds even more to the feelings of hurt and betrayal running rampant in Bruce. But he won’t give. Even if he can’t ever truly trust Alfred ever again, or the fact that he will surely have to severely punish both Damian and the Reader when he finds them, Bruce won’t stop for anything.

Dick would be pretty upset but even then I don’t think he would take it too seriously or at the very least wouldn’t want to believe that Damian would do that to them until it became glaringly obvious that yes he did do just that. Dick would wholeheartedly believe that he could convince both Damian and the Reader to come back home, whether they actually do is another thing. But he would try, and I mean by any means. Dick is extremely manipulative and especially desperate in this situation making his manipulation know no bounds. He’ll say whatever and do whatever if it means his darling is coming home.

Jason would be absolutely livid right off the bat. He’s ready to go kick Damian’s ass and bring their darling home the second he gets word of what’s happened, whether he comes back with Damian in tow is something else. To say Jason is pissed would be an understatement, he can’t say he’s actually surprised about any of this but he’s certainly annoyed by it. Who the hell even gave the brat the idea that he could just steal their darling away from them like that? Jason already wasn’t too happy to have to share to begin with but this, this isn’t gonna happen. Not on his watch. And the moment when Bruce gives him the go ahead to be rough with Damian when they find out where exactly the two of you have been hiding, Jason couldn’t be more thrilled.

Tim would immediately be set on trying to find where in the hell the two of you could be hiding out. Talk about losing sleep, he wouldn’t so much as allow himself to blink until he found the exact coordinates to their darling’s location. This boy is pulling out all the tricks. The only way he’ll finally be able to rest is when he has his darling in his arms again and so help him he fucking will. As much as he’d love to get a few hits in on Damian when they finally find the two of them, Tim would much rather just get to feel their darling again. Make sure they’re okay before he takes them out of the hideout they’ve surely been cooped up in to leave Bruce, Dick, and Jason to deal with Damian while he finally gets that long awaited nap he so deserves and getting to cuddle up with his darling too.

[mysterycitrus]

Do you have any opinions or hot takes about Alfred Pennyworth?

im gonna upset the alfred girlies but my hot take for alfred is that he's bruce's most dedicated enabler and often hides behind being "the help" to disguise the fact that yeah, historically he has just stood by and let bruce do horrible things.

a lot of that is like... bruce is his kid, and alfred is bruce's father, but also they rarely vocalise it because alfred is british + bruce is bruce + would it be seen as a disservice to thomas wayne, whose death was a key instigator in bruce's path to becoming batman? i also think that alfred raising bruce in the wake of his parent's murder was always going to change how alfred held bruce accountable for the things he did. how can u be hard on a kid who's just lost everything, even when that kid goes on to hurt others, including his own kids? like bruce is alfred's son, and alfred loves bruce more than anyone else, including alfred's own children (irony).

that doesn't make him a bad person necessarily but it does explain a lot of his actions. sometimes, sure, he'll shout at bruce, and storm away, or be silently disapproving, but ultimately he'll still stand on the sidelines and watch rather than acting in the moment. it's easier to express disapproval after the fact than actually confront bruce and force some kind of change. it's easier for alfred to excuse his own behaviour this way, too. he'll lecture bruce about his sleeping habits, his protein intake, but it isn't common that he goes against what bruce actually wants. that maintains their relationship equilibrium.

i also think examining alfred's relationships with bruce's kids is interesting, especially since there's this pervasive idea that jason is alfred's favourite which is.... lol. the dynamics of dick's time as robin are always gonna be a lil funky as a result of its 40+ year timeline but both alfred and bruce both refer to dick as their boy. dick is a grandson figure, sure, but he's also like... alfred's other son in a lot of ways, as much as he is bruce's. alfred was that other parent when dick was growing up. and with that in mind, he also relies on dick as a support to emotionally regulate bruce.

that doesn't mean alfred only cares about bruce, obviously, but every successive person who joins the family is going to be tempered through the lens of bruce is alfred's son, and bruce is also alfred's employer. clearly bruce doesn't think of him that way, but it's still pervasive. that relationship will always have the foundation of a butler raising the traumatised, angry child of the couple who hired him, and then watching that child grow into someone who is the literal embodiment of my way or the highway. i imagine there's some guilt there. wondering what could have been prevented if he'd raised his voice.

[incorrectbatfam]

preferred art types for each batfam member?

Dick: ice sculpting

Jason: crocheting

Tim: X-Ray photography

Damian: calligraphy

Duke: light painting

Cullen: pixel drawing

Stephanie: cream cheese pottery

Cassandra: shadow puppetry

Barbara: art journaling

Harper: woodburning

Carrie: reverse graffiti

Kate: glassblowing

Helena: olive pit carving

Luke: microscopic art

Bette: sand painting

Alfred: cake decorating

Selina: rice grain engraving

Bruce: cave painting

[forsoobado137]

There probably exists a website in the Hetalia universe titled Florida Man or AFJ, where a random crazy headline appears and people guess whether it was some guy from Florida that did the stupid thing or Alfred F. Jones. The correct answer is usually Alfred because he's been alive so long and done so much reckless shit

[alfred--pennyworth]

Mr.pennyworth, what was your reaction to Bruce dating Clark Kent?

Mr. Kent is a very sweet young man. He's faithful and thoughtful. He's everything I wanted for Master Bruce.

[librababe99]

Hello! I hope you a good day ❤️

Could you write something for Bruce Wayne × Reader along the lines of "I like strawberries" *the next day the kitchen is filled with strawberries*.

Like Bruce just randomly drops you gifts no note, no sign, he doesn't even give them directly to you

Title: A Berry Sweet Surprise

Tags: Fluff, Bruce Wayne (slight ooc?), Female Reader, established relationships, Love languages  Summary: Bruce always manages to express his love in quiet, unexpected ways, showing that sometimes the grandest gestures are the ones whispered in the smallest details.  Word Count: 811 words  A/N: Alright I’ve been loving fluff lately...and I think this was such a cute idea Anon🥰 I hope you enjoy this as much as I loved writing it. 

The Manor as unusually quiet, the kind of peacefulness that seemed rare in a place that held so much history and chaos within its walls. Bruce and you found yourselves in the kitchen, enjoying the silence, sharing a soft moment amid a busy life. Alfred had recently brought a basket of fresh strawberries, their deep red hues and juicy scent filling the air.

After popping one in your mouth, you sighed, almost blissfully. “Gosh, I just love strawberries.”

Bruce looked over at you with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I’ll make a note of that.”

You laughed, shaking your head. “I didn’t mean it like that,” you replied, still savoring the sweet burst of flavor on your tongue. “They’re just… perfect, you know?”

Bruce merely hummed in agreement, his eyes lingering on you a little longer, as if to tuck the information away. It was the kind of quiet, thoughtful moment that didn’t need words — just understanding.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, you wandered downstairs, barely awake but ready for the comfort of a strong cup of coffee. The familiar smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted through the kitchen, courtesy of Alfred, who knew you and Bruce far too well by now.

But as you stepped into the kitchen, you stopped, your sleepy eyes snapping wide open. The counter wasn’t just home to your usual morning coffee. Instead, it was overflowing with… fruit. Not just any fruit, either — bouquets upon bouquets, bursting with fresh, plump strawberries. Strawberries in every shade of crimson, gleaming under the kitchen lights like clusters of rubies. They were arranged in decorative baskets, in artfully crafted bouquets, and mixed with other fruits like pineapple stars and melon blossoms, but overwhelmingly, gloriously… strawberries.

Your jaw dropped as you took in the sight. There wasn’t a note, no card explaining this small marvel of fruit, but you didn’t need one. A small laugh bubbled out of you, and you shook your head, pressing a hand to your mouth in delight.

Only one person would remember something so specific, so simple, and take it to heart like this.

“Oh, my,” came Alfred’s voice, his ever-present calm layered with a touch of amused surprise as he entered the kitchen. “I daresay he may have gotten a bit carried away this time.”

You chuckled, glancing at Alfred, who had already set a plate and coffee cup for you. “I love it,” you replied, already reaching for one of the strawberries. “And you know, sometimes I wonder if he’s trying to make you look bad with these grand gestures,” you teased.

Alfred, ever the gentleman, offered a modest smile. “As long as it brings a smile to your face, I won’t be taking offense.”

You took a seat, selecting one of the strawberries from the nearest bouquet, savoring its sweetness with a fond look. The taste seemed even sweeter, knowing exactly whose idea this was and how well he’d listened. It was the kind of thoughtfulness that felt more intimate than anything grand.

As if on cue, your phone vibrated, and you glanced down to see a message from Bruce.

“Did you get my gift?”

“I did. More than enough strawberries to last me a lifetime, you know.”

“Is that a complaint?”

You laughed softly, texting back, “Not at all. Thank you, Bruce. Really. I love it.”

There was a slight pause before he responded, almost as though he were carefully crafting his reply. “I’m glad. I like finding ways to spoil you.”

You grinned at the message, feeling your heart swell. For all the sternness and stoicism Bruce often wore like armor, this was a glimpse of the man beneath, thoughtful and deeply caring in his own way.

“You’re the sweetest.”

You could almost picture his smirk when he replied, “Don’t tell anyone.”

Alfred cleared his throat, pretending not to notice the faint blush that had crept onto your cheeks. “Would you like me to set aside a selection of these strawberries for later, or should I prepare them all now?”

With a warm laugh, you glanced over at the mountain of strawberries, feeling happier than you’d expected over something so simple. “Let’s save a few. I think Bruce deserves some of these later too.”

Alfred smiled knowingly. “Very well, miss. I’ll prepare the finest of the bunch.”

You nodded, popping another strawberry into your mouth as you thought about Bruce’s little surprise. It wasn’t grand or extravagant, but in its simplicity, it was perfect. It was the way he showed you love — quiet, thoughtful, never asking for anything in return. And that, you knew, was worth more than anything money could buy.

As you finished your breakfast, you found yourself already anticipating the next time you’d see him, wondering how to show him your own love in return — perhaps in ways just as subtle, just as sweet.

[occasionalsnippets]

I'm only a lurker but I really love the fd au so far so thank you for making it!!

I've been wondering how does fd!reader spends (really any) holidays when they don't consider batfam their family? Do they still spend it with them since Tim is here or do they try to get through it on their own? (Do they ever get reminded of their past life?)

Side anecdote but I feel like I need to defend FD mc for not considering themselves family even though they keep going over to the Waynes for celebrations because once I was at a friend’s house and was just. There for her family dinner. Her grandparents were there. Her cousins were there. I was there for some reason and I was definitely not family.

Taglist: @dragondevinity, @lonely-star2044, @sheep-from-rad, @ilxandra, @thethingwiththefeathers, @star-wars-lycanwing-bat, @sackofsadstuff, @zonked-times, @paastaboi, @venfia, @fantasy-angelo, @linaisadream, @shirp-collector-of-fixations

---

Before you got involved with the batfam, it was mostly just you and Tim. The two of you decorated, made a couple of dishes, and got some takeout. Invitations to dinner with the Waynes are declined the first couple of times they are offered.

The first holiday that is actually spent with them was almost a disaster. Incredibly tense and you played mediator the entire time. You and Tim went back to the Drake manor as quickly as you could after.

As things got better overtime, holidays did become more like celebrations with more decor, games, and gifts. You help Alfred out with cooking and setting the table. Sometimes you wonder if it's more of a formality to invite you alongside Tim. Well, the two of you are kind of a package deal, all or nothing with no in between.

You don’t really linger on your past life. Reminisce, sure, but you’ve already accepted that your past life is over. It’s better to live in the present with everything you’ve got than stay stuck in the way things were before.

[violent138]

Hey what do you think the Batfam’s reaction would be to you asking them to grab you tampons? Caus I imagine Bruce probably sticks up for periods

Ooh fun.

Bruce: *withdraws one from Bat belt, will get very grumbly if the house is seriously out and buy a ridiculous amount to prevent this scenario*

Alfred: Already had the exact brand one uses in the bathroom unasked and on time. This is both alarming and comforting.

Dick: *automatically gives you hair tie* "Oh wait what?" (pats pockets) *goes and gets them with no drama*

Jason: "Oh." *Goes and and buys mildly useless scented ones* *finger guns*

Cass: Somehow absolutely never has one on hand unless she needs them, will break a bathroom dispenser and hand you fistfuls of them.

Tim: *Goes ridiculously above and beyond, even beats Bruce for insanity, grabs heated water bottle*

Steph: *yanks several options and advil out*

Duke: *keeps some in his bathroom for Izzy* "Don't mention it."

Dami: "Why are you telling me? Wait here." (will loudly go ask Alfred for tampons) "Check under the sink."

[iamhereforfunnzies]

I saw your blind reader post and hear me out, Toph Beijing reader? Like they neglected them and didn’t realize that reader was an earth bender (and one of the best at that). I don’t know just some food for thought! I really love your work by the way!

The main inspo was actually Toph!! But I asked myself what if Toph was never founded by team avatar. Also the main difference between Toph and blind!reader is that reader is far far far more bratty compared to Toph (suprise2x).

Blind!Reader is the type who only founded being a Earthbender by tripping themselves 3 times and complained to alfred about it. (Alfred is confused about the dents around the garden and manor) , and Blind!Reader's bending style would actually be more similar with fire bending because of her lack of control and repressed unadulterated rage of being babied.

Their unique style of bending actually sky rocket them to being one of the best, even with their distructive tendency , Bruce would be like Toph's dad (obvi) and be far more Denial about your mutant abilities . Alfred would be stress 100% he is losing hair about it since in his eyes you were more like glass than human. Absolute becomes more over bearing to the max same with Dick grayson , your older brother is trying to puzzle the pieces with your bending and how much it's turning you to be more aggressive and hostille it's like seeing his kid self again.