#alas i can barely write

[o3o-lapd-o3o]

'friends in higher places' au masterlist

tumblr posts:

the thread that started it all - part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

dinner scene - part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 (currently working on it)

poseidon snippets - part 1 | part 2 (i have an idea)

other bits - potential future thoughts | a potential angsty idea |

ao3:

chapter 1 | chapter 2 (coming soon?) |

[gothsuguru]

i made so much progress on “butchered tongue” i’m so happy AHHHHHHHHH :3 still a long way to go but i’m gonna pat myself on the back regardless <3

[good-beanswrites]

That LCSYS and OoA crossover got me wondering about Fuuta.

How does he feel about being in Mahiru's place and Amane being in his place? How does he act around them?

How does he act during his interrogation?

Poor guy isn't cut out for this role, but he's doing his best! I had some format fun with this one -- I took your OoA chapter of his interrogation and put Fuuta's LCSyS thoughts in between, I think it worked out well! I discovered some new things about Fuuta's mindset in the au through the process of writing, it was really interesing :0

(Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, including a brief mention of Haruka's situation. There's also something about Fuuta repeatedly stopping Es from getting Shidou.)

Fuuta heard Es' footsteps approaching. He took a measured breath. In and out. His exhale trembled a bit from nerves. He figured he could use that to his advantage.

Es entered the cell and took in the layout. Fuuta was propped up in a hospital bed, his neck and torso securely braced and his left arm in a sling. He was kneading a Jackalope stress toy with his right hand, digging his nails into it. More stress toys stood on the table to his right, and Es almost tripped on one a few feet ahead. As Fuuta saw Es approaching, he dropped what he was holding and swatted the rest out of his reach.

"Been a… while, Warden," Fuuta said. Es was expecting more malice in his tone, but he sounded like his life force was draining.

Fuuta hadn't liked the idea of playing the damsel in distress. He wasn't some sickly bedridden patient with a quivering voice and trembling limbs. Thankfully, Mahiru and Mikoto had talked him into taking a different angle: some of their favorite books and movies featured a battle-weary hero, weak from the fight and scorning the cowards that didn't fight alongside him. That seemed doable, he thought. He put an extra pant into his breath, hoping to evoke the thought of messy wounds from his brawl with Kotoko.

"Fuuta… you…" They pulled a chair to the side of the table and took a seat. "Are you okay?"

That's their opening? What kind of fucking question is that?

He kept Mahiru's pointers in his head, picturing a bloodied and bandaged knight, or maybe an action hero resting up after getting riddled with bullets. He forced his voice to come out more tired than he felt.

"…look like it?" Fuuta responded. If he was angry, his voice did a terrible job of showing it.

Es didn't know how to respond. Do I look like it? was obviously a rhetorical question, but they needed to show some tact.

After a moment, Fuuta spoke up again. "…look awful… don't I?"

Still unsure of what to say, Es nodded slightly.

Heh. Good. Time to twist the knife a bit. Play the confident card, make them feel guilty. They'll see how strong I am -- how strong I've always been -- and what a mistake it was to let me fall so far.

"Could've been worse. Could've died."

Es stared down, pondering their next words. Several seconds passed.

Fuuta watched them. He felt a sinking in his stomach. Their sullen silence wasn't what he'd been anticipating. He wouldn't have been satisfied with a lot of possible responses, but he'd still been expecting something. Where was their respect? Their remorse? Their pity? Anything? He reached his arm out.

A loud knock on the table got their attention.

"Oi… talking to you." Fuuta's irritated glare met Es as they lifted their head.

"I'm sorry," they said, "I'm… I'm not sure what I can say."

"Don't know what to say? I almost died because of… you don't know… Even so, it's a miracle I … If Shidou had taken any longer, would've been over for me. Don't blame him, though.

I think I've said too much -- Shidou said only a few sentences at a time...

It was impossible to keep it short, though. Es just told him that they have nothing to say in defense of his near-death. Did he really mean so little to Es that they wouldn't even dignify him with an explanation?

"…Oi, say something."

"Sor-"

"Sorry won't cut it." Fuuta sounded more pained than angry.

That was easier to accomplish now that he was actually feeling some pain. After everything, all Es had to say was a half-hearted "sorry."

So, they really don't care about me...

Es took a breath. "…Kotoko did this to you?"

Well then, I guess I'll just have to make them care.

"No sh… agh…" Fuuta gasped for air.

"Fuuta!" Es got up and walked to his side. "I'll go get Shidou-"

"Don't!" Fuuta's eyes betrayed his desperation.

Only when my pain is thrown directly in my face do they give a damn. And they were going running off to Shidou, anyway! Though maybe...

After they locked eyes for a few moments, Fuuta let out a chuckle. "Look … you … down on me, like always. Must be so happy to see…"

"I- no, I'm not. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't think Kotoko would-"

"Beat me to near-death? What'd you expect … you affirmed her…"

"I…"

"…thought she wouldn’t have … same crime here in…"

It seemed Es was finally listening, finally trying to open themself to him. And all of the sudden, Fuuta hated it. He felt paranoid under their gaze. He wasn't sure if it was fear of them seeing through his false injuries, or fear of another judgement from them. Regardless, he felt his pulse race with the way they were watching him.

"Oi, quit standing… staring…"

"I’m sorry, I didn't think-"

"Useless… apology…"

But what else could Es do besides apologize? Stand their ground and contradict Fuuta while he was in that pitiful state?

Fuuta was tired of their weak apologies. If Es had the conviction to name him guilty, they should toughen up and admit it.

With a deep breath, Fuuta forced himself to stay slumped into the bedsheets. He was getting riled up, but couldn't afford to look to strong.

"Really didn't think it'd… turn out… Me too. All I did… call some bad person out… say what's wrong was wrong…"

Es' gaze had become intense again. Those eyes, staring into his. Studying his injuries. Studying his expression.

Staring.

Staring.

Staring.

"Their reasons were b-" Fuuta gasped and clutched his chest. Es began to turn towards the door, but Fuuta grabbed their cape with his right hand.

Why can't they just offer help themself? Why do they go running off to someone else at the first sign of trouble? Am I really so disliked they can't face me?

Es swatted his hand away. "Hey, you can't just grab me like that."

"Don't dare…"

"Fine, I won't get Shidou. Yet." Es stood in place and waited for Fuuta to regain his voice.

Fuuta pretended to catch his breath, using the time to muster up something to say. If he wasn't so insistent on Es taking some responsibility for themself, he'd consider letting them call Shidou and just end this whole interrogation. He was ready to jump up and start swinging.

He itched to leap out of bed and give Es a real piece of his mind. He repeated the others' advice and pleading for him to keep his temper in check for the sake of the experiment. He thought of Amane -- how eagerly she awaited her own interrogation. All of this had been her plan, after all. As miserable as he was, he wouldn't ruin everything before she got her turn.

No, I will not steal her trial.

"You judged me… said I was unforgivable… without the whole story… How's that any different?"

"Excuse me?"

"That's so hypo- khh!" Fuuta slammed his hand on the table, trying to play it off as an emphasis, but that didn't mask his pain.

"Careful, Fuuta! You'll hurt-" Es gave up on that concern when Fuuta glared.

Pssh, like they actually care.

"Someone died because of you. You're saying I'm the same?"

"I didn't think they'd die!"

"But you knew people would dogpile them."

"I wasn't acting alone. Anyone else… out of my control… Why'd you pick me…"

"Milgram has judged-"

"Milgram doesn't make any f-"

Maybe Es should have put their foot down and called Shidou regardless of Fuuta's wishes. But something compelled them to hear him out. "Don't push yourself."

He tried to gauge if they were being sincere. He wasn't sure if he only mistook it as genuine concern since he was hoping for that so very badly.

Fuuta was clearly annoyed, but he took a breath and continued. "Still don't see it? We're just the same!"

"Me? The same as you?" Es couldn't deny Fuuta's point. They both made their judgments without thinking that someone could be seriously hurt—or dead.

That's got their mind turning, huh? I've got 'em now -- even if they don't feel like taking responsibility for my condition, I can subtly get them to take responsibilty for anothers'.

Fuuta was not known for his subtlety.

"I'll tell you. They were just in middle school. Maybe closer to Amane… than you…"

"Amane…" Es already knew this from what they gleaned from Fuuta's first video, but it didn't register how close in age their victims were. Wait, why were they thinking of Amane as a victim? "Amane… huh… I noticed you two have been spending a lot of time together lately."

"You kidding? Don't change the subject... You don't talk about her like… Only one who cared before everything went to hell. You made her go through it. Decided she wasn't forgivable… painted a target… She could've died too! Then we'd be exactly…"

"Don't put me on the same level as you."

He took another moment to calm himself. His "broken" arm clenched into a fish underneath the blankets. It made sense that Es wouldn't want to talk about the other prisoners during his interrogation, but their avoidance of Amane made his blood boil.

"Are you not-"

"I'm just doing my job. Nobody told you to go online and decide who are bad people and harass them. You made a game out of judgment. This is what I'm supposed to do."

Fuuta laughed at Es for still failing to acknowledge their similarities. Then he winced in pain. Then he kept laughing and mocking Es for taking their job seriously.

It was difficult to keep up the act the whole time, but he was always quick to recover each time he slipped up. He was doing this for the others. All hope for himself was lost, but at least he could do this for the others.

Es snapped back. A pointless, cyclical conversation. Fuuta stopped Es from calling Shidou no less than three times.

If he had to sit here and suffer through this interrogation, so did Es.

Eventually, the bell brought the conversation to a halt.

Silence.

Why was Fuuta so quiet?

"Hey… Fuuta?" Es leaned over to get a better look at his face. His eyes seemed glassy, and he seemed to be breathing more slowly. "Fuuta… I'll go get-"

"Don't. Not worth…"

"Worth what?"

"If you're not going to… forgive… what's the point… living?"

Fuuta would just chalk it up to getting too in-character, when the others asked.

"Don't say-"

"Everything hurts so much."

This feeling of betrayal. Of loneliness. The fact that I was the first named unforgiven. The fact that I'd be the first attacked, making me the victim -- not a hero, nor a warrior. The fact that you knew all along. You knew I was none of those things. You saw right through my act, to the real me, the one who is a victim. And that's why you acted the way that you did. You're trying to do your job without hurting me any more, as if I'm something fragile to be handled carefully. And that hurts most of all.

To keep things on track, he added,

"Painkillers don't help… Strange wonder I survived. Is it really worth it?"

"Worth it…" What could Es even say about that? Anything they could think of was either more unwanted pity or…

A cold accusation that Fuuta was bargaining his life for forgiveness. Es's thoughts flitted back to Haruka's interrogation- no, that comparison was unfair. Haruka's loaded intentions were worlds away from Fuuta's resignation. How could Es dare…

"I understand… this job requires resolve…"

"Resolve? You really have resolve… just kill me. With your own two hands. Don't hide behind the rules."

Look who's talking...

"I can't do that. I can't sink to the prisoners' level. It's my job as the warden to make a fair judgement. I… I have to judge each and every one of you… no matter how much they plead, cry, or bargain… even if they are dying right in front of me."

"What is even the point? You give a damn about my life, forgive me! If not, kill me… get it over with."

The words came tumbling out. Fuuta tried not to think so hard about what he was saying. It was all in character. That was it.

For some reason, he got the sinking sensation that he'd be pulled aside later to explain himself. He wasn't sure who'd get to him first. Yuno? Shidou? Kotoko? Now that he thought about it, it would probably be Mahiru.

"Bargaining tactics won't work with me."

"Not like I care. Or… if I get out of this alive, I'll… kill… you…"

"Fine by me. If we truly are the same, then I'll have had it coming. Now, Prisoner no. 3, Fuuta, sing your sins."

Fuuta breathed a sigh of relief.

Fucking finally...

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent things

[inkedhorror]

oh when did that happen...

[mushroom-for-art]

Short little fic about @blues-sues Reverse Pip and my oc Nessa, basically what happens when you put a muted human in with a blinded muted two

Check up

His wound itched, it was sore and it burned and it tore at his senses ripping up his nerves and sending tremors through his forearm, he wanted to scratch at it to rake and itch to the bone until the sensation stopped until he finally got peace. He wasn't allowed though he knew that if he scratched at it again he'd be in trouble, he stretched his arm and lightly rolled his wrist at the memory of the restraint that had been placed on him, pinning his whole arm to his side to prevent movement entirely. Moving his head in a shake he tried to push those memories away, the nipping of the metal parts on his skin and the coldness of it too.

He heard the door softly hiss as it slid open, usually the only warning he got before company as he tilted his head, from the area of the doorway he heard a knock, knuckles on metal doorway. He turned his head fully despite being unable to see, the aura outline unfocused and blurred, fading in and out of his senses as it floated across the room tracking the sound of heels on flooring better than the aura itself. They stopped but their aura continued to flicker and sway about in a way that was distracting, she moved her foot to tap the toe of her shoe into the floor with an audible set of thunks before loading supplies from different drawers and shelves onto a small metal trolley that clattered and wheezed on movement.

He heard it squeaking and struggle rattling across the floor despite the tiles being smooth as she pulled it over to him, by now any other would have dragged him over to where they wanted him, but if this was the same person she did it differently. The trolley went quiet as she stopped, he assumed she was somewhere in front of him now, the soft thump of her shoe on the tiles confirmed his suspicions that she must have been in front of him. He waited a moment to see what she would do or if she would give him an order, when none came he slowly lifted his bandages arm out in front of him presumably towards her.

He felt small warm hands take his hand on their own and her fingers squeezed around his digits in a way that was strange, if she was trying to cause harm to him she wasn't succeeding. One hand remained holding his thumb as the other moved up and stopped just before the bandaging, there was a pause as she looked at his face though he couldn't tell and after judging he seemed to know what she was doing she began to undress his wound.

He remained still as he stood in front of her feeling the bandaging come away from his arm and wound, the old bandages being placed in a waste bag that rustled. She moved to grab an antiseptic wipe from the medical supplies as the wound still oozed faintly due to the special ability of the other pokemon that had inflicted it. He felt the cool wet of the wipe just below his wound and his brows furrowed a little wondering if this person was just as hard sighted as him..

He was at least prepared for the sting as she cleaned his wound his muscles tensing but he remained still, her fingers squeezed his digit again as she wiped the wound clean like it was some odd combo attack, that still seemed very inefficient. With wound cleaned the wipe also went in the waste bag before she picked up a healing spray, her fingers tapped on the plastic bottle before she lightly swayed it from side to side the slosh of liquid inside reaching his ears. He heard her click the nozzle before feeling the liquid droplets scatter over his wound and skin, it didn't sting as much as the wipes did but had he not heard it may have still startled him.

Her hand released his thumb, and from the routine he knew now was the part where she applies a new bandage, he felt the fabric as she rewrapped his wound the snip of scissors once it was wrapped and felt it tighten as she tied it off but it wasn't uncomfortable not as tight as some of the others had done it, he heard the scissors clank on the metal trolley as they were placed back down before her hands held his once more and one hand patted the back of his hand. It was, a very pathetic attempt of a strike, if she could only achieve this type of contact she would surely be in harms way if a pokemon attacked her.

There was an uncomfortably loud buzz of static as a speaker overhead came to life, "If you're finished in there Vanessa put the equipment away and remove yourself from Mewtwos room," the voice had them both flinch for the volume and recognition of who it was. Her hands released his once more as he heard the trolley squeak and rattle as it was placed back where it had previously been stood, he could make out her shoes on the tiles as she moved back over to the door, knuckles tapped on metal frame again as she waved a hand goodbye, her aura moved in lines and dances just enough for him to make it out and he found his hand raised enough to tilt side to side to return a wave back before the hiss of the door sliding shut left him alone in his room once more.

At least his wound didn't ache and itch so much anymore..

[mythrae]

once I start getting paid my bonus hours I will definitely be commissioning some of you because I NEED it carnally

[gotchaocha]

Guess who has perfectionism issues and no technical knowledge on drawing but now has to deliver three drawings next week

[thedemonscrawler]

using what i can remember of my sleepdep hellmester as reference for writing a character running themselves into the ground in something that is not the thing I should be writing?

more likely than you think

[blackidyll]

4, 8, 13, and 32 for the writing meme pls! :DD

this is from the weird questions for writers list!

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral? i like words that are kind of oddly spelled - hymn, myriad, idyll (hence my username). For a verb, coalesce.

but as for feral in a negative way? it's souvenir. i can never for my life spell it correctly, i always put in extra vowels. Spell check has to save me (as it just did!).

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go? oooooo story without dialogue is probably easier because i already write so. much. exposition as it is. it'll be interesting to go without putting in any dialogue, but there are ways for characters to communicate or express themselves without active dialogue, so i can probably figure it out.

i write dialogue-only snippets when i'm outlining fics and I always get the urge to fill in the blanks with descriptions of actions and so on. a dialogue-only fic for me will not want to stay dialogue-only upon edits haha.

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy? haha! explicit sexual content! i can read it and plot it just fine, but when it comes to writing the minutiae of it i will combust. It's just easier for me to cut off/fade to black and leave the fic at a mature rating.

not necessarily easy, but i guess pining/longing/nostalgia? i've moved countries a lot when i was younger and it always feels like i'm missing someone or longing for something, and so when I write that kind of content it's easy for me to access my own feelings and channel that into my characters. It's a sort of bittersweetness where the sweetness is your feelings for the person/place/time but bitter because you're apart from whatever it is you're missing, and I like exploring that dichotomy.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you? @derpinathebrave asked the same question so i'll tackle a poem/novel example here and a fanfic one for them!

the last two lines of Clementine von Radics' poem, "Mouthful of Forevers" really stuck with me. I encountered this poem through a Sam/Lucifer SPN fic, How To Fall; the author included poems/excerpts from songs/prose at the beginning of every chapter. The fic has such a visceral depiction of Lucifer's motivations and this poem was just incredibly apt for that point of the fic, as well as being a beautiful work in its own right. Here is the last stanza of the poem:

I know sometimes It's still hard to let me see you In all your cracked perfection, But please know: Whether it's the days you burn More brilliant than the sun Or the nights you collapse into my lap Your body broken into a thousand questions. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

A line from a novel - definitely this one from Robin Hobb's Realm of the Elderlings series: the Fool's "And I set no limits on that love." It's a recurring line in the series (iirc) as the Fool tries to explain his love to Fitz, and Fitz constantly struggles with understanding/coming to terms with it. I think us fans tend to have mixed feelings about how the Fool and Fitz's relationship is depicted in the series, but that passage where Fitz skill-links with the Fool and experiences the Fool's love for him is just so profound. The Fool's love defies boundaries - it is not romantic or sexual or even platonic, it just is. He loves Fitz, and his love is limitless. I remember reading this book in high school and finding out a friend read it too, and the first thing we both said to each other? "I set no limits on that love." Even though there were (at the time) nine whole books in the series, out of thousands of other lines this one resonated with us the most.

That entire passage is just incredible so I'm gonna stick it under this read more.

"Would you have more than this?" The Fool's voice was less than a whisper. I discerned a challenge in his words, but could not understand it.

"Yes, please. Try," I bade him.

Beside me at the table, I was aware of the Fool making some small movement but my vision was unfocused on the room and I had no warning of his intentions until his hand settled on my wrist. His fingertips unerringly found their own faded gray fingerprints, left on my flesh so many years ago. His touch was gentle, but the sensation was an arrow in my heart. I physically spasmed, a speared fish, and then froze. The Fool ran through my veins, hot as liquor, cold as ice. For a flashing instant, we shared physical awareness. The intensity of it went beyond any joining I'd ever experienced. It was more intimate than a kiss and deeper than a knife thrust, beyond a Skill-link and beyond sexual coupling, even beyond my Wit-bond with Nighteyes. It was not a sharing, it was a becoming. Neither pain nor pleasure could encompass it. Worse, I felt myself turning and opening to it, as if it were my lover's mouth upon mine, yet I did not know if I would devour or be devoured. In another heartbeat, we would be one another, know one another more perfectly than two separate beings ever should.

[…]

Just as I opened my eyes, the Fool's thought uncurled in my mind like a leaf opening to sunlight.

And I set no limits on that love.

[schrodingers-hoarding-problem]

ngl all the meta about kinnporsche makes me feel like either im not smart enough for the show (which I refuse to believe) or that I fully just blacked out after watching it (much more plausible)

[jupiter-reimagined]

Death: Well, I'm just glad Monster didn't turn her sights onto me. I would've cried.

Anyways, because Orinothicor is my wife and the only one who's the most present in my head after Monster's words, I'm giving you a little fun fact about Orinothicor. Which is that he's ambidextrous.

i am now incredibly jealous of your wife's abilities

[hauntingblue]

This volume is called ace's introduction. Nothing more to say.

"You hire comedians here?" He is so funny....

Who's gonna tell him..... He literally will never get a break

Ace being so proud of Luffy not accepting to join and being a little shit... Also right here is where I got ROBBED of my acesan content.... Also he does fight whitebeard... In marineford... GOD!!!!!

GOOOD TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!! TAKE MEEEE!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH

You cannot see me but I am on the floor on my knees and I am crying and sobbing and hitting my chest asking the gods to spare him

[lesbian-disaster-academic]

i used to be so good at writing strong, thoroughly-researched, thoroughly-edited essays.

as a kid in hs, my teacher literally came up to me, holding my 40 page essay on the intersection of the European witch hunts and capitalism/exploitation/gender roles (it was supposed to be 7 pages...whoops) and went like "this is literally a master's-degree level thesis. what are you doing?? you could literally use this as your final dissertation in a master's program, what the fuck."

NOW??? NOW?? you'd think I'd be oh so skilled. but alas. i can barely piece together two ideas. adhd skill-regression is so so real. im SOBBING

[undistortedworld]

being very delusional about the large scale projects i keep convincing myself i can do

[corithecorgi]

I’m finally getting some interesting ideas that are worth writing but I’m wayyy to overwhelmed with homework to be able to actually write any of them