#akito has chronic pain

[quietplace26]

Solving the Future au (2)

It's been a whole month since Akito found himself back in the past, and he's been very busy since then.

First thing he did was tell Mari EVERYTHING. She didn't really believe him at first, but seeing how odd her brother was acting, how happy he was to see her, practically crying as he hugged her, it made her believe.

Oh, and the glowing lines on Akito's hands certainly help her believe him as well.

When she pointed this out to Akito, he was shocked to see the familar glowing lines on his hands. But that shouldn't be possible since KK wasn't possessing him anymore!

He quickly goes to test things out, seeing if it was still possible for him to be able to use KK's etheral weaving. To his shock, he could still weave!

Wind, Fire, Water, he could still use had them all! Also, unlike before where KK's etheral weaving was gold in color, Akito's was silver instead!

Mari stares down at Akito's hands in awe, lightly poking at the glowing lines in curiousity before looking up at her brother. "So what now Aki?"

Akito sighs and tugs Mari in for a hug. "For now lets start looking for a new place to live." He wasn't taking any chances of the fire happening again! "And... we'll go from there."

After that, it was a slow process for Akito. He had to get used to having Mari with him again, and that wasn't counting his aching body.

Wounds from all the visitors he fought in the last timeline now covered his once scarless body. One of which was a giant scar in the center of his chest where Hannya had shoved his arm through.

When Mari accidentally saw his new scars for the first time she cried... and then became enraged.

"So not only did he try to use MY body for some freaky ceremony, but he also hurt you! I'm gonna-" Needless to say, if Mari ever got her hands on Hannya, Akito got the feeling it wouldn't end well for the other man... Not that Akito cared.

Speaking of Hannya, it brought up the subject of what Akito was supposed to do with all the information he had. Should just stay out the way and let things run their course?

Akito... didn't like that idea. That would mean knowingly letting Shibuya fall into chaos, letting people get hurt or even killed, and... letting KK die again.

But what could he do?! There was no way he could just walk up to KK, who didn't even know him, and tell him, 'oh, I'm from the future'. The older man would probably laughed at his face and tell him to fuck off...

His answer finally comes to him one night while he was eating dinner with Mari. She suggests that maybe he should help from the shadows.

Help from the shadows... That could work! He could help KK and the older man's team from the shadows of the background!

He could do this! He could help KK, keep him alive this time!

"Mari. You're a genius!"

"I know, right? Now then, teach me how to fight monters, bro!"

"...What."

In the end, Mari wouldn't back down, so Akito reluctantly said she could fight. But only if he was their with her! He couldn't lose her again...

Now with a battle plan, Akito sets his sight on getting some weapons and talismans.

Originally, he had the bow KK leant him and some talismans, but when he found himself back in the past, both the bow and talisman disappeared from his person.

He could break into KK's apartment and steal the bow, but that was too risky, so Akito turned to the next best thing. The Nekomatas.

Using his knowledge from the past timeline, Akito quickly manages to gather up some of the relics the Nekomatas once asked for, and with Mari by his side, the siblings went hunting for a Nekomata merchent.

"Oho? You're an odd human~" The Nekomata merchent purrs out as he stared at Akito in interest. Akito just smiles, politely asking to see the Nekomata's goods as he set the relics on the table.

Akito ends up buying two divine bows, one for him and one for Mari, and a bunch of tailsmans. He even bought some katashiros just in case.

"Aki? Can we get these masks?" Mari holds up two masks that had feline like faces carved into them.

"Sure." Akito thought they looked cool, and besides, he and Mari needed something to disguised themselves with. Can't risk either KK or Hannya seeing their faces while they were out hunting!

Mari suddenly makes an odd sound. Akito glances at her in worry. "What's wrong?"

She points behind him, her eyes wide in shock. "B-Behind you."

Thinking there was trouble, Akito whips around, prepared to fight when- "Mmrr?" A tiny, TINY paw pokes at his nose. The tiny, TINY paw belonging to a tiny, TINY Nekomata. Was this a Nekomata kitten?! It was so cute!!!

Behind him Akito hears Mari squeak in delight when more floating kittens started appearing around them, all purring and very curious of the humans.

By the time, the siblings were done shopping, there was purring and cooing Nekomata kittens all over them. The kittens just seemed to adored the siblings, and neither of the humans were complaining in the slightest!

The Nekomata merchent seemed very amused by this. "Not everyday do you see humans covered in Nekomata kittens and enjoying it~"

Sadly though, the Nekomata merchant ends up having to break up the fun and shoos the kittens off. The kittens quickly start whining, saying they wanted to play with the nice 'nii-san and nee-san' more!

"Well, if it's alright with your parents, me and Mari could come back to visit you later on, okay?" Akito suggests as he looks over at the merchent and older Nekomatas for their approval.

The older Nekomata didn't mind thankfully. In fact, they even offered the humans a small job. "Watch the kittens every now and then and we'll give you a special bonus everytime you buy our goods, okay~"

Now that they had weapons now, Akito could move onto the net step. Training Mari to fight visitors. Oh, he wasn't a veteran yokai hunter like KK, but Izukis learn fast, so Akito had no doubt Mari could pick up using the bow fast like he did in Shibuya!

And learn fast she did! The younger girl had no trouble aiming, and barely ever missed! But even so, Akito still stood by decision that Mari could only fight if he was around! He had etheral weaving on his side, she didn't.

Besides training Mari, Akito also trained himself. He no longer had KK in his head to guide him this time, so he had figure out how to weave himself.

It was hard, as he had to be careful with his body. His old wounds, even though they're healed, ached, and if he wasn't too careful, he'd actually start coughing up blood!

He hasn't told Mari about this yet. Hell! He hasn't even been to a doctor yet. Like, how could he? There's no way he could explain to a doctor how he got all these wounds and sound sane!

So instead he goes to the Nekomatas and is taken straight to a healer.

"Hm... You've been through quite a lot, haven't you young one?" The elderly Nekomata healer hums as he looks Akito over, eying all the human's scars. "A normal human would've been dead with half these wounds."

Akito lets out a nervous laugh. "G-Guess I was lucky..." Or had a wraith that healed everything...

After the check up, the elderly Nekomata healer gives Akito some special medicine for him to take. A whole box of it! "Make sure to drink a bottle of medicine everyday, and the pain should go away gradually."

Akito thanks the healer and goes to pay when the elderly Nekomata wave his money away. "Bah! It's on the house! You and your sister have been a delight to us yokai folk, so considered this a gift between friends~"

Another month passes, and Akito knew it was time. They had a few months before Hannya could enact his grand plan in Shibuya, and Akito planned to do everything in his power to stop him!

He had too! For Shibuya, it's citzens, and for... for KK.

[lagomoz]

Proseka headcanons

-as rui’s childhood friend, nene has extensive fire safety knowledge

-shizuku is adopted, hence why she looks so different from shiho. she was adopted shortly before the moon rabbit event and it contributed to her clinginess

-shiho forgets this fact sometimes. she’ll casually mention something like shizuku got all mom’s good genes so unfair and ichika has to be. um. shiho

-kanade is mildly nearsighted/myopic but spends so much time at her computer she hasn’t noticed

-emu is buff. she climbs multiple stories without breaking a sweat and is canonically part of the swimming, handball and rhythmic gymnastic clubs, you can’t tell me she doesn’t have some muscle

-saki helps out as a human notepad for tsukasa, reminding of him things he would otherwise forget within 5 minutes

-the vocaloids also help. at first it was unnerving to have hatsune miku be an extension of his psyche that knows his darkest secret (stole saki’s candy when he was 6) but now his phone has a more reliable catgirl themed reminder system

-you know that classic nightmare of leaving the house without pants? tsukasa has legitimately done that as a kid. he forgor. (saki will never let him live it down)

-in the kamiyama student council/hall monitor room, an has put up at sign saying “_ days since last kamishiro incident”

-the shinonome siblings both figured out the other one was gay before they figured it out about themselves

-airi’s great at trivia from her time as a variety show star. she still can’t beat minori at idol trivia, though

-ena keeps a diary with fort knox level security. try to read it and you’ll lose a finger

-saki learned to crochet from the old ladies in the hospital

-shiho’s most treasured phenny is a somewhat lumpy crocheted phenny holding a very lumpy crocheted bass guitar

-tsukasa snores. he falls asleep in 10 seconds and sounds like a dying lawnmower

-mizuki has learned a small bit of french from their sister and uses it exclusively to teach rui and an how to swear in french

-emu still celebrates her grandfather’s birthday, even if he’s not there to celebrate with her

-ena is allergic to dogs, the middle point to airi’s cat allergy and akito’s dog phobia

-rui has various small scars from his experiments over the years, but nobody ever believes the real causes (rocket launcher, robot bite, exploding balloon animal, etc.) so he just makes up a new cause every time someone asks

-mmj! has had repeated incidents of minori and airi’s little siblings walking into frame when streaming at their houses. shiho understands the concept of a livestream but has still been caught failing at creeping past like that one new broadcast of the guy crawling along the floor

-kanade has pots & eds, this one I have a reason for look at her symptoms. chronic exhaustion, heat and cold intolerance, comorbid sleep issues and depression, dizziness when standing up, fainting after standing up, very pale skin, family history of medical issues, pain at normal physical activities, exercise intolerance, vertigo at mild exertion, she just fucking dies during the entire baseball event, I could go on. she canonically gets pain in her hands from opening a jar girl that is not just being out of shape that is physical disability. this one I will go conspiracy board on listen to me I’m right

-kohane ate bugs as a kid. an is horrified, toya is confused, akito is impressed

-ena and airi got in trouble in middle school because they’d keep starting fist fights in defense of the others honor. if they saw the other in a fight they’d jump in guns blazing no hesitation no questions ask ready to throw the fuck down

-vbs!rin and len were given a skateboard by an and then promptly had the skateboard confiscated by meiko for property destruction

-haruka is horrible with slang. she asks the stream chat what poggers means and immediately uses it completely wrong, killing all viewers on impact

-minori is torn between thinking it’s cute and wanting to die

-toya has been banned from arcades before because he made them lose too much money/they suspected he was cheating

-ena brought kanade over for girls night and nearly scared akito half to death because he went down to get a late night snack and there was some Ghastly Creature looming in his kitchen

-kohane's parents stick out like a sore thumb when going to her live shows. it mortifies her that everyone on vivid street can recognize them as the only milquetoast middle aged couple dressed in normal clothes loudly going YOU'RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE that don't know the first thing about music

-minori knows basic programming. she mostly uses it for forums, blogs, html, other web design things usually related to idols as a hobby, but she's become the groups designated anti-shizuku tech support

-mafuyu has always been able to see ghosts but after adults figured she was just playing pretend as a kid so she shrugged and figured it was normal and not worth bringing up again

-honami has one of those massive extended families and somehow keeps track of them all. at any given time cousin #57 can crawl out of the woodwork and she remembers their new job, favorite food, past three romantic relationships and list of allergic reactions

-mizuki does doll customizing as a hobby. they prefer making human sized clothes, but it's fun to make them miniature too. they've introduced shizuku to it and she loves it, but doesn't have the heart to do anything that would hurt the doll (sawing limbs off, dunking them in boiling water, shoving wires in them, etc.)

[freddy-owo]

(Alright here we go—)

MY PJSEKAI DISABILITY HEADCANONS!!!!!

— will be updated (probably)

(Under the cut bcuz oh my goodness there's a lot /pos)

LEO/NEED

Ichika: Autistic, bad eyesight (near sighted), chronic pain

Saki: autism, adhd, weak immune system, bad joints, balance issues, uses a mobility aid (ambulatory wheelchair user + forearm crutches), pots, eczema, hypermobile (specifically eds), chronic pain

Honami: Autistic, pots, synesthesia

Shiho: adhd, insomnia

MORE MORE JUMP!

Minori: autistic, adhd, dyslexia, dyspraxia

Haruka: autism, bad eyesight (far sighted), needs wrist braces

Airi: adhd, not disability but she was definitely a chuunibyou

Shizuku: autism, bad eyesight (far sighted), dyslexic, eczema

VIVID BAD SQUAD

Kohane: bad eyesight (near sighted), autism, adhd, low in vitamins (so she gets light headed easy), ocd, narcolepsy

An: adhd, dyslexia, synesthesia

Akito: autism, adhd, pots, hypermobile (everywhere.)

Toya: autism, joint issues (all, but mainly wrists), insomnia, gets light headed easy, chronic pain

WONDERLANDS X SHOWTIME

Tsukasa: Autism, adhd, dyslexia, bad eyesight (near sighted), NPD, HPD

Emu: autism, maladaptive daydreaming, hypermobile (fingers mainly, but also everywhere)

Nene: autism, bad eyes (Near sighted), ocd, chronic pain

Rui: partially deaf (has hearing aid), autism, iron deficient, insomnia, bad joints, scoliosis, pots, narcolepsy

NIGHTCORD AT 25:00

Kanade: partially deaf (has a hearing aid), iron deficiency, deficient in every vitamin (/hyp), autistic, scoliosis, pots, synesthesia, narcolepsy, MS, chronic pain, chronic fatigue

Mafuyu: bad eyes (far sighted), autistic, eczema, ocd

Ena: bpd, hpd, autistic, adhd, wrist braces (carpal tunnel), vitamin d deficient, mobility aid (cane), insomnia (nocturnal), hypermobile (hands. wears ring splints)

Mizuki: autism, chronic fatigue

----------------------------------

And I've probably forgotten a lot but. Y'know. I just made these for fun one day when I had nothing to do in class ^_^ also shoutout to @m00xissilly for helping me come up with some of these =D

[correctproseka]

hi its me again

(nomad rambler, also trans an rambler)

one of your recent reblogs reminded me of the lore i have for ena in my story so im gonna ramble about that for a bit if thats okay

(tw child abuse,brief self harm mention)

so in my story ena is physically abused by shinei, he tries not to leave marks (bc when he does akito gets angry and steps in, and as the preferred child shinei is reluctant to hit akito like he does ena) but that doesnt stop him from being very verbally/emotionally abusive to both kids (ena being the oldest gets it worse)

in my story, the shinonomes got into a minor car accident when ena was still young and everyone was thankfully mostly unharmed but ena does suffer from chronic back and leg pain due to it, something that shinei always pressured ena into keeping to herself. kinda like mafumom i think shinei would be kinda big on appearances so if your in pain, if your suffering or struggling, dont show it (and ena with her temper is not the best at keeping it all in) she learned the hard way, early on, to show no pain (i think this gave her a high pain tolerance)

then puberty hits and she learns that she has endometriosis, had a reaaaally bad period one day where she literally couldnt leave bed and shinei just kept berating her and trying to push it while shes literally laying there sobbing and this leads to her later getting on a birth control to make it more managable/less frequent so she could still function and though she hates to admit it, its also partially so she can keep up the appearance of being strong

throughout all this btw shinei is gaslight gatekeep girlbossing shinomom into believing that ena is just an angsty teen, keeping her mostly blind to the shit he puts ena through. mom does her best to check in and still be there but thanks to shinei and all the deception ena never fully relies on her and makes their relationship strained as hell

few months after mafuyu runs away ena just packs a bunch of her shit, asks to have a sleepover at mizukis and just deadass never returns (a plan she discussed at length with akito, first intending to leave together but in the end akito reassures her that its okay if she leaves first and reveals his plan to escape off to vivid street that same week. they keep in very frequent contact throughout everything and yea they still fight but they also have each others back more than anyone else)

as ena adjusts to the new living situation mizuki is able to notice all the things enas been fighting to keep secret for so long, the chronic pain, the smoking habit (girl vapes like a chimney or smth idk im bad at lingo), the numerous faded bruises and scars, the more raw recent scars.

bit by bit mizuki helps ena to start trying to unlearn the shit shineis forced on her and also encourages her to allow herself some vulnerability; they help ena to get a cane for days when the pain flares up, get ena more comfortable with visibly being in pain and also with publicly using her cane (it always makes ena feel weird because shes so young and can power through jus fine she doesnt need the assistance, but she realizes those are shineis thoughts not her own)

its also thanks to mizuki that ena realizes hes genderfluid and starts to change up her wardrobe to match that better and just all in all, running away kinda helped ena find his inner peace. hes still got a quick temper but its alot easier to refrain now that shes properly tendong to herself, even if its really hard some days

im at the part in my story now where ena and akito are dragging each other and their mom to family therapy to work through things because after both the kids ran away mom struggled to find the courage to finally ask questions and see beyond shineis abuse of the whole family and went through with divorcing him, getting her own place income and getting herself together and now she just really wants to make amends with her kids for letting herself be blinded to so much for so long

Are. Are you gonna write that because holy shit anon /pos. Id so read it.

Also while you said Akito was Shinei's favorite kid, i agree and i say that Ena was actually the favorite before shit actually went down with the shinonomes

And i actually like these kind of aus because while it'd be ooc for canon Shinei to hit them, both Akito and Ena have signs of being physically abused, such as their first reaction to having a panic attack is usually violence (Akito punching Toya at the start of the game, everything that mentions Ena hitting Akito through middle school when she was going through it™) so it just makes sense with their personalities

Also, my own hc is that Mizuki would be the one who vapes in niigo, she does not care about her own life and feels too coward to do smth abt it other than try to waste her life away with vaping/smoking. Probably future/adult Mafuyu would too. Ena would drink a lot though.

[hy4c1nthh]

ena 1-10!

ENNNAAAAA!!!!!!

okay lets do this

she/they/he pronouns (genderqueer) and also bi :333

chronic back and wrist pain i wonder why. But also uh!! she has bpd!!! uhm

she's decently tan (just as akito in my hc), they loveeee earrings....real cute ones too. and his hair get's really messy but she hates it when it gets messy so she tries to always keep it as neat as possible.

5.

7. mizuena is my like. top top but....polyniigo...........i love them all. mafuena comes in close

8. mafukasa and airiena!!!!!

9. nomad, cellphone love story, venom and of course....lower.

10.

[twowink]

wait tell me Abt fools au...... i want to see mendally eel idols......

PENIS GRIN um . below the cut is all of my illness

aoharu/friends:

ICHIKA: mostly the same. l/n just doesnt get the closure the way they do in canon . they never return to the way they once were bc they are so different from what they one were ❤❤❤ also i use her to spread my 'ichika is a weird science kid' agenda

SAKI: same as above. she has a weird crush on airi momoi that she tends to cover up bc 'i used to watch you while i was hospitalized becuase it was a painful reminder of how i would never get to be normal or do things like you did. also i want you the way a person wants air.' isnt a huge icebreaker

AIRI: messy child celebrity swag. she quit a few years in (a year or two before the story) and she has not been coping well with it <3 i think she smokes. she and shizuku are still Sort Of friends but they dont talk much ummm . yeah sakiairi swag.

ENA: also p much the same as in canon except she gets out more bc of airi . she projects her envy onto ichika instead but ichika is like such a normie abt it . influencer guy x offline guy

yume yume jump (MY FAVES. IF U COULDNT TELL):

KANADE: kanade is kanade. same as normal. she is fightign the chronic fatigue off with a broom . yyj helps her train thru it tho . uhhhh shes basically the same besides being an idol tho yea

SHIZUKU: she and haruka were old friends and dating but then haruka breaks up with her and quits and ghosts her. <333

AN: became an idol with haruka who. Proceeded to leave with very little warning. fools haruan is less solid but i like it too

SHIHO: yeah w the l/n stuff um . yea .

fantasista squad:

theres likes nothng here sorry i dont think abt fansqua much . uuuuh notable changes: rui and minori are cousins and both had big dreams and rui becomes a street musician to show mino that hes still trying and that she cant give up

also rui attends miya girls #bigenderswag

and also akito+rui and touya+kasa are the musician pairs

happiness sentai dancetime:

HARUKA: 39 illnesses and banned from most idol spaces. see: shizuku. theyre like the opposite of relationship goals i want them DEAD (affectionate)

EMU: same emu except she grabs haruka instead

KOHANE: nenecore i guess. um. p much the same.

MAFUYU: debating inserting my mfy/tsk swap concept of mafuyu and emu being childhood friends and mafuyu feeling indebted to emu bc emu 'saved' them . regarldess theyre a stage manager out of desire to Control. and also very hostile w haruka <33

hobbyists on a holiday (or holiday with a hobbyist):

MINORI: shes got that unreachable dream swag. local girl quits under the pressure and fucks over her lifes path severely.

HONAMI: the kamishiro-hanasato housekeeper and ruis best friend and attempting to befriend minori too. eventually they realize theyre in the same online music circle tho. <3

AMIA: ive been thinking abt their deal bc i dont know how to retranslate a key issue w them is the gender bc theyre Out bc theyre all transfem in the unit but. idk . maybe something they did in the past that led to them leaving rui. i dont know ill figure it out

NENE: same nene except she doesnt get out like at all.

[yukisohmasmokesweed]

shigure is a character who operates largely through obfuscation; obfuscation of his actions, his motivations, his true feelings, and beyond. he does this to build a persona for others’ consumption so he can better predict their reactions to him and make his moves accordingly. however, when you spend your whole life obscuring and burying your emotional truth, it has a resounding effect on your coping abilities and emotional intelligence. by obfuscating himself from others, shigure has also hidden away his most painful emotions from himself. in this essay i’d like to explore how shigure’s main coping mechanism of numbing himself manifests through the lens of his scenes in 3x5, particularly his monologue to hatori.

at this point in the story, shigure is pushing akito harder than ever before. he has definite confirmation that at least one zodiac’s curse is broken and the family life is continuously and dramatically falling apart. hatori berates shigure for setting akito off and asks him why shigure can’t be nicer, to which shigure replies,

you say that, but kindness from me is a hastily manufactured afterthought. it’s not as good as the real thing that you have.

this is a coping mechanism we’ve seen from shigure before: he instantly dismisses the prospect of any intrinsic kindness or goodness within himself. he believes himself hopeless, incapable of change, and so he breezily waves it away as an impossibility. this idea comes back at the end of the monologue, but directed outwards and pertaining to his own beliefs on the merit of kindness. 

shigure then starts his monologue, musing out loud in a way that he is only comfortable doing in front of hatori.

for some reason i don’t find it sad, but i wonder why...

most of the time shigure is an emotionally intelligent character, but he uses that emotional intelligence as motivation and a tool to manipulate. when it comes to shigure’s most traumatic experiences that are outlined in this monologue (his relationship to his parents, his curse, and his isolation), he is unable to access the feelings he has about them. he has protected himself in a way that caused him to numb himself, and while he has used that numbness to his benefit to hurt people he loves without emotional repercussions, it is still a maladaptive coping mechanism of a man born into a chronically hopeless situation. shigure is intelligent and self-aware enough to recognize that something is wrong, but he is too traumatized to access what exactly that is.

like, i’ve never particularly wanted a parent’s love...

we don’t know much about shigure’s parents. based on the one interaction we see them have in 3x2, we can ascertain a few things: shigure’s parents care about their reputation and shigure’s standing in akito’s eyes (“stop, shigure! pay your respects to akito first.”), but they don’t have very much control over him (“i don’t want to. it’s bound to take forever.”). based on this interaction we can assume that shigure’s parents were the neglectful type as opposed to the overprotective type; shigure has no qualms at blowing them off in a very blunt way and his parents don’t try again to make him do what they want.

as an adult shigure may have been able to convince himself that he never wanted a parent’s love, but that is antithetical to human nature. shigure isn’t some unfeeling sociopath—he has emotions and cares about the people he loves very deeply, but as a result of his neglect he’s managed to numb the part of himself that craves parental love. i think that this may have been a driving factor behind shigure’s obsession with akito; shigure could love akito as an inferior (with regards to shigure and akito’s positions in the zodiac), receiving the unconditional love that wasn’t given to him by his parents, and also as someone he could dote over and be affectionate with the way he is with his other friends.

and frankly, it doesn’t really bother me that i’m possessed...

shigure has allowed his obsession with akito to consume him so completely that their relationship has become his entire identity. he is lying to himself about not being bothered, too—it bothers him that he and akito can never be equal because of the curse, which is why he’s trying so hard to break it. while other zodiacs have rejected the curse and coped by becoming hyper-individualistic (momiji, haru, rin) or letting their anguish consume them (yuki, kyo, hatori), shigure has coped with being cursed by fully dedicating himself to it, not allowing himself to imagine a life outside of it. he has no meaningful relationships outside of the sohmas, he doesn’t care about his career, and he has no goals outside of akito. 

if this is what you call being “twisted,” then i must be twisted.

shigure is a product of his environment and he is aware of this. because the environment that made him is his entire identity, though, he has no desire to change. this is also another example of his self-satisfied self-deprecation.

and the fact is, i can’t even find that sad. maybe that makes me very alone. maybe a person like me really should have dreamed of...

here, shigure approaches awareness of the isolation that has been inflicted on him by the sohmas and that he inflicts on himself, then approaches the possibility that he could’ve been saved. shigure says he doesn’t care, but these are the words of a man so numb from trauma, a life of extremely maladaptive coping mechanisms, and never-ending hopelessness that he can’t let himself imagine an alternative; it’s too much. he cuts himself off before he can reach that conclusion—what if he had dreamed of freedom? what if he hadn’t chased a childish impulse rooted in his lack of free will? before he can reach these alternatives, he cuts himself off with,

but anyway, yeah! i’m not a nice person, so it’s a wash. you know?

he immediately falls back on his self-deprecating humor to protect the numbness that he has built within himself for decades.

with regards to shigure’s opinions on the merits of kindness, he continues,

a generous kindness like [hatori’s], or a detached kindness like kureno’s...even assuming akito wants that from me, it’s not going to happen. i’m not looking to become her father.

the implication here is that hatori and kureno’s kindness did as much damage on akito’s psyche as akira’s lovebomb-dependent brainwashing. shigure doesn’t want to coddle akito and treat her like a child the way kureno and hatori do because it enables akito’s abuse, and that enablement has turned akito into the worst possible version of herself. shigure is justifying his actions to hatori while also forcing hatori to face that his actions also have a negative effect on akito’s wellbeing, even if it’s in a different way that shigure’s.

now to move onto his exchange with tohru in the following scene:

maybe i really should have dreamed of you. maybe a person like me needs someone like you the most, the author finds himself thinking.

shigure?

i’m just playing what-ifs.

shigure has had a front-row seat to the positive effects of making deep emotional connections with non-sohmas. he’s watched yuki and kyo grow exponentially due to their relationship with tohru, watching as hope became an option for two boys who started off the series so hopeless. shigure has a very sweet relationship with tohru—he buys her gifts, she confides in him and he comforts her in return, and he admits early in the show that he likes her quite a lot. however, when it comes to the games he’s playing with tohru and the zodiac, he never included himself in the “genuine connection” part of the plan because his goal was to become closer to akito while driving the others away. he simply isolated himself further while everyone around him grew and changed.

but now shigure is second-guessing himself. he has this conversation with hatori, and then he returns home to see the tangible effects of friendship and openness, and shigure begins to ask himself if, had he allowed himself to, he also could have been saved by someone like tohru. it is a deeply sad moment of a man whose life has been ruined so completely by his oppressive, insular environment that the idea of change seems impossible, and even considering it at this point is extremely painful. the language he uses is also notable; he detaches his personhood from the thought with a glib joke (“the author finds himself thinking”). then, he once again changes the subject to something silly before he can seriously consider what he’s saying.

i think that shigure is a very misunderstood character. he is extremely skilled at hiding his emotions to the point where they are unrecognizable even to him. to add to the uncertainty around him, takaya purposefully doesn’t show us his backstory like the others. he is an enigma to the cast of fruits basket, the audience, and himself. at the end of the day, though, shigure is a member of the zodiac who was raised in an extremely toxic and abusive environment just like everyone else. he chose an unfortunate but effective coping mechanism, convincing himself that there is nothing else other than the sohmas and that the family and their values are an intrinsic, unchangeable facet of himself. shigure is a product of a long line of generational trauma, and for shigure it’s not something that he believes he will ever be able to escape.