#aka best boy hodgepodge

[salazar-bollinger]

Is this the darkest joke I've ever put to paper?

...why yes.

Made for @theterrorbingo, prompt: consumption

[lovely-in-pink-shifting]

My pinned post! ♡

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I've been shifting since 2020 shifttok just about, like a little before the Dracotok boom (like a lil') and the subsequent apocalypse that happened after "Just kidding on the rights" Rowling's transphobia was coming out.

Yeah so fun fact I was NEARLY a Draco girly, I feel like the fallout was divine intervention stopping me at JUST the right time but that's besides the point, the point was to give you a time frame for long I've been shifting.

I'm making this blog with people in my age group in mind, I'm not gonna be posting smut or porn on this blog (and no blog's that do that are not the devil or something that's not the point) but I'm not really gonna be censoring myself either? I guess just be 18 or older if you wanna send an ask or DM, if you just wanna look or read my posts I guess that's fine.

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So my interests do shift pun maybe intended, a lot. I think of it as like a wheel, like, "Oh I'm bored? Time to spin the wheel of interests again then!"

These are the things I like enough to be "canon" to my messy hodgepodge of a DR

♡ Touken Ranbu (I don't understand a lick of Japanese but beautiful boys? Sign me up, the warriors game is um, there too)

♡ Demon Slayer (It's not the best shonen anime granted I don't like many, but I find it enjoyable and cute)

♡ My Hero Academia (Also not the best, but hey, I love it a lot! Still need to catch up on the anime)

♡ Sonic the hedgehog (If you think being a furry is cringe you are more cringe than you think being a furry is. You can call me a furry if you want though I don't personally self identify as one, doesn't mean I'm embarrassed though!)

♡ Yugioh (The game is like- dog shit but hey Jaden Yuki has had a grip on my clit for too long and HE WILL NOT LET GO. We're childhood friends to lovers btw ♡)

♡ Ayakashi romance reborn (It's really good you guys, play the stripped down mobile app while you can, the switch port is kinda sorta bad: says someone who bought it on switch anyway)

♡ Bakugan (RIP gen 2, I never knew you Gen 1 but will always have a crush on Dan and Shun, Gen 3, we don't talk to Gen 3)

♡ Beyblade (It's fun, Jan, why do I need any other eXcuse to like it? Real bladers will understand my dumb joke)

♡ Miraculous Ladybug (I only watch it to fuel my own better version of the show that exists solely in my own head, but that's just the case for the whole fanbase at this point)

♡ Kingdom Hearts/ FF (My favorite game in the series is Dream Drop distance or Union Cross, that should let you know how normie I am to a deranged degree. What I love about Kingdom hearts is the shit I make up about kingdom hearts. Also uh, Cloud hot or something.)

♡ PriPara/ Aikatsu (I'm not shifting to really interact with any PriPara or Aikatsu character it's more like the general Idol stuff is just in my DR. I'm also listing it because PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT PRIPARA OR AIKATSU AAAAA-)

♡ Fate Grand Order (It's really fun and interesting when it's not doing something questionable, Prisma Illya, whenever they're doing something with that poor little girl it's questionable)

♡ Genshin (I haven't bothered to play Fountaine, Genshin takes up a 100 gigs and my sister refuses to delete farcry six sorry-)

♡ The other 3 Hoyo games (Yes I'm grouping them all together but I play em' pretty casually)

♡ Diabolik Lovers (My 2nd problematic fave ♡)

♡ Black Butler (My number 1 problematic fave, all my BB fans out there know it is not of god ♡)

♡ Pokémon (I only WISH I could play into gamer girl stereotypes more by liking the Sims too)

♡ Danganronpa (Did I spell it right? I don't care tbh. I don't like the gameplay, sorry, I don't like investigating in any game period, I play it pretending it is an otome game, aka I play it wrong.... just need to actually finish 2 and play 3)

♡ Uta No prince sama (It's peak. Need I say more?)

♡ Obey me and What in hell is bad? (I think they both some of the most greedy and scummy gachas I've played but uh... love the characters. I don't think it's AS evil but I love UnholyC too!)

♡ Twisted Wonderland (I don't have to tell you I've connected it to the KH stuff right?)

♡ Cardfight Vanguard (Yugioh was like crack cocaine to me, it was the start, you think I wasn't gonna seek out TCG ecstasy either?)

Shadowverse (Card game weed... I wonder how obvious it is I'm writing these drug jokes as someone whose never done drugs...)

♡ Cookie Run (Uhhh, Uhh, running out of neurons to justify anything uhhhhh, twink cookies go brrr?)

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I also really like dress up games and I really wanna learn more about fashion.

I like hello kitty (The best character is my melo, DUH!), Bratz, Barbie, I really liked Rainbow high but they were like... doing a lot at once for me.

My favorite two dress up games are Life Makeover (Okay it's actually number 1) and Suit U (I love it but it is so god damn uniquely greedy) Everskies is fun too but I find it hard to find clothes you REALLY want and it can get samey, for me at least.

I'll be making a DR self lore and master list... naybe... soon? If you've seen my first post you know I want things to be relaxed here. I guess with previous side blogs I got anxious? I guess? But I'll update this paragraph here once or if I do that to a link.

I'll be doing a lot of DR self vanity posting and hey, if you wanna vanity post in my ask box go ahead if you'd like, being vain is very fun. But don't send real pictures of yourself, I think that's fair.

[cosmica-galaxy]

ONAF headcanons and theories.

So, here are my takes on the four most interesting characters, personally. It’s gonna be pretty long, so I’m gonna put a ‘read more’ tab on here just to keep from making a long wall of text on peep’s dashboards. Spoilers for ONAF 1-3 ahead!

FLUMPTY: Flumpty I feel like is a pretty lonely soul despite all of his destructive tendencies. Having a lot of power and being the god of death and chaos must be a kinda empty existence. Especially since he’s TRYING to make friends, but his nature forces him to go against friendlier alternatives and gestures. He’s chaotic, but it’s both a blessing and a curse to him.  Flumpty must be desperate to make friends, but the city of New Dork seems to know him. As his name appears in papers and they even seem to be aware of “Flumpty’s Game”. As a result, this might make people avoid him if they see him to evade being his next ‘playmate’. Furthering his isolation. Of course, with the true ending of ONAF 3, it could be speculated that the newspapers and such were all fabricated while he held onto ‘Champ’ (The Player) for as long as he could. Making up a world or telling lies to Champ through the ‘newspapers’, since they never ‘truly made it to 6AM’. Meaning that they were stuck in a pocket dimension with Flumpty for who knows how long! That means that the house you ‘play’ in, the newpapers, even the outside world that you see at the end of ONAF 3′s two endings probably aren’t even real to start with. It’s a deep speculation that Flumpty doesn’t really exist inside of the same world where Champ is from, but instead exists in a pocket dimension with strange physics and supernatural relations. I also have a strong hunch that there’s a reason why he’s obsessed with eyeballs. You know the phrase that ‘eyes are the windows to the soul’? Well, maybe Flumpty views eyes as symbolic pieces of people’s souls. So when you loose, he takes your eyes...aka, pieces of your soul. Have you noticed that after Flumpty kills all of his friends, ALL of their eyes are gone? Leaving all of their bodies behind. Eyes are very important to Flumpty, as it seems. Death screens involve eyes, all dead bodies are missing their eyes, and Flumpty seems to have forms with...multiple eyes or exaggerated eyes. People often ask what Flumpty is filled with...and I would say that he’s filled with the eyes of his past victims. This is true. Because in the ONAF 3 jumpscares, Flumpty’s blender-like mouth is lined with...EYES. Maybe eyes are like souls and Flumpty gives eyes to his creations to bring them to life? Kinda like necromancy or something. Consuming them even when he has no use for them. It’s kinda unnerving if you think of it like that. And maybe at the end, despite EVERYTHING he has thrown at you, you still came out on top. You prevailed over everything. Flumpty wasn’t just upset...he was impressed. Maybe the final screen of him looking at that white light wasn’t him ‘ascending’. I Personally theorize it was him finally letting ‘Champ’ go back to their original universe that they were stolen from, as he states that “I’ll miss you”. It’s possible that you were just so stubborn, so determined, so formidable, that Flumpty felt like you EARNED your freedom and truly let you go. His ‘best friend’. The one that he had the most fun with in a loooooong time, was released. So while his fabricated world fell apart around him and faded into nothing. He could only watch the single most valiant soul he ever came across...go back to whence they came. -- BIRTHDAY BOY BLAM:  Birthday Boy Blam is kinda of an enigma. I have many theories and ideas about him. Like what he is, his age range, and such. I, on a personal level, feel like he’s an extension of Flumpty’s pocket dimension or that he was pinched from another universe, just like Champ was. Flumpty’s pocket dimension might as well be a hodgepodge of beings from multiple universes. On the topic of his age, BBB seems to be based around the theme that he’s constantly celebrating his birthday, despite not even knowing when he was born. The only thing that we have been clued in on is that Flumpty was there when he was born. So that makes Blam younger than Flumpty canon. But how old would Blam be in human-years? He’s not human, so his kind may age differently. I personally don’t even think he’s remotely a child. This is mostly due to his nature and shapeshifting capabilities. He seems to become excited when the topic of hunting/killing is brought up, seeing as his face morphs and changes into unsettling images and exaggerated features usually involving his teeth and eyes. I think a lot of people overlook that Blam is just as much of an Eldritch creature that Flumpty is. His personality and looks just seems to be childish, which is why a lot of people seem to reflect that Blam is a minor. People are free to make an assumption about Blam, due to his versatile and confusing behavior and unexplained lore. However, I see that people tend to view Kevin Jr as not a minor, but Blam as one. Despite them being the same person, with Kevin being from the distant future. There are a lot of holes that deal with Blam and his lore. But I personally speculate that he’s a certain type of Eldritch horror that takes on a ‘kid friendly’ visage to make others lower their guard before striking.  As his mouth seems to be big enough to bite/suck someone’s face off or to crunch down on a hapless victims’ skull. (Judging by his killscreens) But also seeing that he dies in ONAF 3 to Flumpty and both his eyes go missing, I also surmise that Flumpty may have created Blam for his ‘games’ and that would explain the cartoony similarities, personality changes, eldritch shapeshifting, and the close relations. Then once Blam could no longer fulfill his purpose, Flumpty ‘reabsorbed’ him as his pocket dimension began to fall apart, due to Flumpty’s desperation to beat Champ. Resulting in his grisly death. -- EYESAUR: The Eyesaur is an amalgamation of at least 20 victims of Flumpty’s previous ‘games’ before Champ was ever captured. These people ran the gauntlet and perished at the hands of Flumpty and his allies. Killed, skinned, then reanimated into a horrible creature of flesh and multiple heads.  I personally theorize that in ONAF 1, the Eyesaur was hesitant to serve Flumpty. Which is why it stayed in the hole in the floor all night. Then when 2 rolled around, I surmise that Flumpty made a promise to the creature, since Champ was starting to win more and more. He may have promised the creature freedom or separation from their conjoined body. I also think that the Eyesaur thinks like a hivemind. Due to being reanimated, the creature seems to be in a fair amount of pain. Leaking blood, exposed flesh, unable to blink their eyes...it’s miserable to be in that body. Maybe they would do anything to get out of it. Even kill other victims if it meant just getting a false hope of letting them go back to normal. The creature is also possibly being controlled by Flumpty. Despite hiving some will of its’ own, it seems to be looking for victims, just like the other creatures in Flumpty’s pocket dimension. Maybe there’s some unspoken jealousy about Champ? Maybe there’s a personal hatred that is being directed toward the sole survivor that lasted far longer than any of them did? It can be a contributor to them hunting down the human survivor. Envy. Pure envy. Then in ONAF 3, when they fail Flumpty for the last time, Flumpty kills them and takes the creatures’ eyes. Back in my Flumpty post, I stated that eyes were the equivalent of souls. So that pretty much means that Flumpty ‘reabsorbs’ the souls that he gave Eyesaur. Taking them back and leaving a husk of nothing behind. This is a major reason why I feel like Flumpty gives souls, aka ‘eyes’, to creatures he creates to give them life.Then once they are no longer of use to him, he takes their souls, aka eyes, back. So I pity the miserable creature that is Eyesaur. It merely lives a sad existence in a pocket dimension and is a clear reminder to Champ about what they could become if they ever fail at Flumpty’s game. -- GOLDEN FLUMPTY: Golden Flumpty is a unique case. He’s not typically hostile unless stared at. If One Week At Flumpty’s is not considered, it’s a strange mystery as to why Golden Flumpty is aggressive to Champ. His aggression in OWAF would be understood, because the player would’ve been Flumpty the whole time, but it’s now considerably strange since OWAF does not exist. Golden Flumpty is meant to be Flumpty’s chaotic, ruthless, pure-evil side. Yet, it begs the question at why he would be aggressive to Champ of all people. While he IS participating in the game that Flumpty is playing, it makes no logical sense as to why he would want to kill Champ. Maybe it’s because of their connection with Flumpty and the inevitable collapse of the pocket dimension that Champ will inevitably cause? He merely appears and disappears out of their vision. Not necessarily INTENDING to do damage, but he will kill if he’s provoked. In the third game, he looses the intent to kill, and instead steals Champ’s body temperature if he comes into contact with them. I have a hard time piecing together reasons for Golden Flumpty going soft on Champ. As he looses his capability of killing them by ONAF 3. He also seemingly ‘dies’ with the rest. But his eyes aren’t gouged out. They are merely ‘x’s.  He’s obviously related to Flumpty and seems to be much more unstable than our white eggy best friend. Maybe he’s there just to keep Champ on their toes or that he merely wants them to feel like they’re going mad. Using visions, images, and such.  Champ seems to walk away from many of his encounters without dying, so it’s kinda interesting as to why he would go from killing to no longer killing. Maybe it was a turning point when Flumpty started to respect and become impressed by Champ’s tenacious determination and refusal to give up? Maybe Champ’s soul is much more intriguing than both of these eggs ever thought.

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 15 March ‘21

FIRST TIME GRAMMY AWARD WINNING ARTIST HARRY STYLES!! From the bottom of the stairs to the top of the fucking world baby, get itttt!! He won Best Pop Solo Performance for smash hit Watermelon Sugar-- the other two categories he was up for went to others but he was a dark horse for any of them so getting one is awesome! Yeah the grammys are shit but I’m so happy for him to see him receiving validation and acclaim from the industry that has never appreciated what he (and his bandmates) are and can do as artists, it’s a fucking start you know? We can enjoy the moment! Harry did! His acceptance speech was short and it feels like he was blindsided and forgot everything (including not to swear on TV and as pro as he is you know that means he was absolutely reeling, I love that) but later he said “I want to thank my fans for giving me an environment to be free to make the music that I want to make and supporting me along the way the last ten years”, yes that’s right we have helped you find a place to feel good, and “this is an incredibly sweet icing on the cake of what I get to do everyday so thank you.”

But that’s not all! He also performed, and wore things! Say what you want about Harry (or better yet please DON’T at least to me but that’s a losing battle) we always get so hyped up about even just seeing his outfits and he does not let us down! BLACK LEATHER, TITS FULLY OUT, DICK BANANA CHARM, AND A MUPPET BOA? Yeah he did that! Shirtless under a patent leather suit, I mean: wow. Very glam rock, very… well listen it’s just very GAY in like so many different ways??? Harry Lambert said they wanted “something darker, sexier, and more unexpected” which is definitely about that look I’m assuming and not the pastel thrift store rummage bin hodgepodge he wore later, unless Harry(s) and I have very different ways of interpreting “darker”. (Harry L also said “free the nipple” and we can all see that he MEANT it.) Harry red carpet-ed and accepted his award in a lavender muppet boa, tits slightly less out but still cleavagey, and with a seemingly random collection of other garments YES BABY OKAY you just WEAR THAT THEN! About that Harry L said, “we wanted to do something that felt British and eccentric, a little bit rock ‘n’ roll and a little bit camp,” but the people have spoken and they said ‘we think he looked like Cher from Clueless’ so, sorry Harry(s)! Esquire struggling to describe the look-- “the kind of thing that Styles seems to make wearable” klasjdlk the doubtful ‘seems’ is sending me. Either way we can definitely all agree on the camp part, and that the matching face mask (as seen in the audience shots and in adorbs pics of him camping it up with Lizzo backstage) is amazing, love that (even if he does spend way too much time nervously pulling it on and off omg just LEAVE IT) and it even went also with outfit number THREE (or at least it did as well as any of his anything went together lol) which was a big floppy orange coat and plaid pants and a THIRD BOA, a dignified (haha JK NOPE it’s still a muppet) black number this time.

It seems the performance was filmed in advance rather than done live-- there were clues suggesting this might be the case, but the real giveaway was when a picture from it leaked before the broadcast, lol. Way to make it so we “can’t even tell if it’s live or not” Ben, and why is he STILL so obsessed with trying to gaslight us anyway my god just say what’s prerecorded it’s fiiiine. ANYWAY Harry played Watermelon Sugar and only WS; well after all it is his GRAMMY AWARD WINNING SONG. Plus it was a really nice version, all smooth and funky, with a highlight of the night being Harry’s full on 60s girl group choreo move with the backup singers, omg. Those backing vocalists were the duo G.A.W.D., and there was extra accompaniment by fellow nominee Devonte Hynes aka Blood Orange (who also directed the performance and no I do not know what that means) and “Spencer and Josh” on horns (the closest I can find to someone crediting them so, apologies guys). Anyway! All of them (regular HS band included) were decked out in matching gucci black leather too and looking good. And Harry looked so happy to be up there performing, just beaming like a lighthouse, so overall- good good stuff, I just keep on dancin!

The real bombshell of the performance though was subtle and needed confirmation after for the excitement to really hit-- it was Sarah drumming  decked out in tight black leather and visibly pregnant!! That’s right, band drummer Sarah Jones is PREGNANT by (Grammy Award winning) guitarist Mitch, there’s a HARRY STYLES BAND BABY on the way!!!! WHAT A NIGHT! It wasn’t enough for Harry to find love in his own band, he’s somehow cupid-ing that energy all over the place and spreading it around, AMAZING!

And Liam comes through with not just a sweet congratulations for Harry (“what a huge moment, proud to be your brother” awwww) but also the final word on the performance look- goddammit it IS one of the rejected Best Song Ever video looks, LMAOOOO. But did he tag HSHQ instead of Harry directly in acknowledgment of how the awards system really works and that they are all to be congratulated or simply because it was easier? We will never know.

Additional tidbits-- bassist Hynes was apparently playing creative director Molly Hawkins’ dad’s bass- did we know her dad was a famous bassist who played with Fleetwood Mac and many other 70s stars?! If I did I had definitely forgotten! And more Molly news-- she’s also pregnant!! Harry will soon be surrounded by quarantine babies, dreams really coming true huh? Harry posted a pic of himself with Mitch and Devonte looking very cooool, we saw the ceramic watermelons label execs were sent for the WS release last year, and Rebecca Ferguson who knows 1D from way back when (and has recently drawn attention for talking frankly about how fucked up the industry is and about having seen unnamed boy band members literally slammed against the wall by their management) congratulated Harry and posted a couple of baby pop star Harry pics, cuuuute. Louis’ merch handlers, in response to no complaints whatsoever, sent out emails apologizing. They say they’ve run out of lanyards which were meant to be sent out so they will “be adding a freebie which we know you’ll enjoy” to affected customers’ orders. That is sucky about the lanyards but that’s customer care! Niall posted about his cool bright limited edition merch to remind that it will be gone gone gone tonight and also shared a pretty and touching picture from a the large anti violence rally held in London to protest the killing of Sarah Everard today. And finally some good advice from Bebe Rexha, loved by larries; she says she loves us right back but please don’t kill anyone for not streaming her new song! Yes good plan.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

TATMILB, CHAPTER 5

Penelope spent her life writing love letters, which didn’t seem like a terrible idea until the letters were mailed out and Schneider received one of them. Hoping to fool their exes, they agree to fake a relationship. But are they lying to everyone around them, or to themselves? aka my To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before-inspired AU.

Penelope x Schneider, ODAAT. available on ao3 with extra author’s notes.

Chapter 5: Penelope agrees to fake date Schneider and they work out the rules during Alex’s baseball game. Penelope enjoys Nikki’s visible fury at their public affection, and braces for Lydia's reaction.

On Penelope’s left, her Mami was pulling out snacks and explaining the hodgepodge of containers they were stored in. On her right, Schneider was facetiming Elena, showing her the rest of the family and a shaky view of Alex on the field.

“Okay, okay, I gotta go,” she heard her daughter say, laughing at Schneider from another continent. “I’ve got class. Thanks, Schneider. I’ll call you guys this weekend!”

Penelope rubbed her palms on her jeans and stood, almost knocking Schneider’s phone out of his hand when she reached for him.

“We’re going to get snacks!” she told a very suspicious Lydia as she gripped his hand and led him out of the bleachers.

“But we don’t need anything! I brought all the food!” her Mami called as they left.

“Okay,” she told Schneider, as soon as they were standing near the food trucks and out of earshot.

“Okay...?” He blinked at her, in that friendly but confused way of his. Like a really tall golden retriever--he wanted to be accommodating, even when he had no clue what was going on.

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” she told him, shoving her hands into her pockets. Part of her wanted to bounce from foot to foot, that was how nervous she was. The whole idea was still insane, obviously. But she’d made up her mind.

“The more I thought about it, the more I think you have a point. If Max sees me with you for a while, he’ll get the message that I’ve moved on. I do not want to debate our past, it hurts too much. And I don’t know why you’d want to try and be more than junk buddies with Nikki, but if you want to make her jealous, well...”

Penelope snuck a glance at the bleacher two spots away from theirs, where Finn’s mom could usually be found.

“I could be real good at that.”

Schneider beamed like she’d just offered to throw him a party, rather than engage him in a conspiracy to trick their exes.

Lupe, what are you are doing? She wondered in a flickering moment of indecision--but she shut that down hard. This was her best option. This could make the whole mess go away.

“Yeah?” Schneider asked.

“Yeah. Yes. Let’s do this thing.”

Schneider was still smiling, which was why Penelope was so unprepared for him to lean down and kiss her.

No warning, no preamble--he didn’t even ask, she thought, her mind whirling with shock--Schneider just leaned down and slid one hand under her hair to cup the nape of her neck and then his mouth was on hers.

He was...well, he was a good kisser when he actually tried.

She filed that fact away, to deal with later.

Even without the warning he definitely should have given her, she knew it was all for show, so Penelope let herself go along with it for exactly three seconds more. She counted them in her head, while the rest of her enjoyed the way that Schneider’s mouth was firm and warm and gentle.

When he pulled back, his eyes were crinkled at the corners, beaming delight down. He had both hands on her shoulders, steadying her. She was surprised to realize that she needed it.

Penelope was a little dazed as the rest of the world came back into focus. She could feel her Mami’s eyes laser-focused on them, and the murmurings of some of the other parents in the surrounding stands. She wasn’t an idiot, she knew more than one of the kids’ classmates had asked them if Schneider was her boyfriend over the years--and that some of their parents wondered the same thing.

She actually caught a glimpse of Nikki in her peripheral vision, fuming as loudly as a silent person could.

Satisfying as that was, she shook his hands off her shoulders. “Listen, if we are going to do this, we need to come up with some rules, you get me?”

Schneider held both hands up, an immediate don’t-hurt-me posture that he fell into with her automatically by now. Fair enough, she thought, since she could hurt him, and they both knew it.

“You can’t just kiss me like that. That was not okay. You hear me, Schneider? You didn’t even ask, you just--”

“I know, I’m sorry, I was really excited and it felt like, well, like sealing the deal. You know? We’re going to be a pretend couple, why not start now?”

“I’m not saying we can’t start now.” She exhaled, sharply, tugging her shirt down as though she could tug her sense of gravity back into place with it. He’d knocked her off balance too much--she didn’t like knowing he was capable of that.

“What I’m saying,” Penelope continued after a calming breath, “is that we need ground rules. You were right before, about blurring the lines. Pretending to be a couple is one thing, but we are friends. We can’t lose track of that, mess up where we stand...and you may be big into meaningless affection, but I’m not.” 

“Okay, and I hear what you’re saying, Pen, but if we act like we’re just friends...if we stay the same, nobody is going to believe we’re together. You were not hands-off with Max,” he reminded her unnecessarily. “And Nikki knows my sexual habits well.”

Penelope couldn’t help pulling a face at that. “Please don’t make me throw up next to the food,” she muttered in Spanish so he wouldn’t understand her.

“That’s why I’m saying we need rules. Boundaries we agree on in advance, so we both know what’s okay, what we’re comfortable with. So we don’t get...confused.”

“Alright, alright, I gotcha.” Schneider nodded and grabbed a stack of napkins, thanking the man running the stand with casual Spanish that made her eyebrows fly up. When did that happen?

Schneider dug a pen out of his pocket--she wasn’t going to ask why he was carrying a pen--and scrawled ‘Rules’ at the top of the first napkin. “So, what do we both think is okay?”

“Handholding,” she started with. They’d done that already, anyway, as friends. That wasn’t even weird anymore. It’d be weird to know that everybody else thought it meant more than it did, but what about faking a romance with her best friend wouldn’t be weird?

“Casual touching,” Schneider offered up, waiting for her nod before he added it beneath handholding. They’d been like that with each other since he became part of the family--and if Penelope was honest with herself, she was more affectionate with him than he was with her, anyway. It was just how she was.

“Now, about kissing,” Schneider said, looking at her across the snack counter they were using as a writing desk, as though she might hit him.

“Yeah.” Penelope bit her bottom lip, thinking it over. “You’re right. If we’re going to do this, we have to be willing to sell it. We’re both adults, and if it were a real relationship, we would be...physical, with each other.”

The way she stumbled over the word, over the thought--the way her mind pushed back against the idea of seeing Schneider that way, accepting him as a person who was also a man capable of being sexy and attractive? She couldn’t really explain it. But she also couldn’t avoid it anymore.

“So, how about this? We’ve already kissed. Back there.” She waved behind them, feeling like such a dork, but pressed onward. “It went okay, right? The world didn’t end. We’re fine.”

Schneider watched her, his forehead furrowed. “I agree.”

“So let’s say that kissing is okay. Within the rules. That’ll make this look like our other relationships. Not suspicious. But we should have a signal that means back off, if it’s too much for either of us.”

He considered it for a moment. “That's good. It could be something subtle, like pressing on the inside of your wrist. Gets your attention, but not anybody else’s.”

She tried to imagine that playing out in her head, her heart skittering past the picture of actually kissing Schneider, and nodded. “Yeah, that should work.”

Schneider’s pen hesitated after he added that, hovering over the napkin. “What about forehead kisses?”

She didn’t know why that seemed important, the way he said it, or why he even asked, when they’d basically just agreed to regular public makeouts, but she smiled a little, trying to reassure whatever part of him made it sound wobbly.

“Sure. Forehead kisses are fine.” 

Penelope took a deep breath. “Okay, Schneider, this is the biggest sticking point for me.” She jabbed a finger into his designer t-shirt clad chest. “We cannot tell anybody that this is fake. Nobody.”

“Alright.”

“I mean it. Not even my family. If we’re going to do this, really do this, then you have to willing to fake it with my Mami, with Alex, everybody. I do not want them judging this decision, it was bad enough that my mom had a stroke when Max and I broke up. And Elena’s so far away, I wouldn’t even know how to explain lying about something this huge without basically telling her it’s okay to lie--and she’s in London! Who knows what she could be lying about all the way over there?”

“Take a breath,” Schneider told her, and waited while she did, his hands on her forearms. He watched her settle back down before he answered her.

“It’s fine. It’s a pact. This won’t be the first time we’ve kept each other’s secrets, right? It’s just that this time we have the same one.”

“Okay, so you think you can do it. Not gossip with anybody about this.”

He mimed zipping his lips shut and throwing the key away. “When your mom presses me for information, I’ll just redirect her using the Force.”

Penelope rolled her eyes, and his dramatic gasp got the attention of the people in line next to them. 

“Don’t tell me you’re not a Star Wars fan. Come on. They’re foundational for our generation. They changed the face of the movie industry forever. I know the first one can be a little slow, but they’re so worth it.”

“I’ve...actually never seen it.” 

“How is that possible? Elena’s a total scifi geek, and Alex loves superheroes. You raised those kids.”

“I didn’t raise them alone! Victor watched Star Wars with them. I never had to.”

“It’s not something you do because you have to,” Schneider replied, shaking his head in disappointment.

“Well, if we could get back on track here,” Penelope said, pointing to the napkin. “Magical space movie powers aside, you’re gonna hold up okay against my nosy family?”

He shrugged. “You’re fake-dating an addict, remember? I used to be an expert at this. Lying is muscle memory.”

Shifting gears, he thought out loud. “We’ll have to make sure we’re all over each other when we chaperone Homecoming this year. Definitely can’t let that opportunity go to waste.”

“Yeah, because dances are a pretty key ingredient to romance,” she agreed, not bothering to keep the bite out of her words. “You just want to have your ‘nobody puts Baby in the corner’ moment to show off for Nikki.”

“My what?”

“Your Patrick Swayze dance movie thing.”

He shook his head, and she scoffed. 

“Dirty Dancing, Schneider. The lift, above his head? The singing along to the song?”

“I haven’t watched that. Heard it’s good though.”

“Oh my god, in what world have you watched the Star Wars movies but not Dirty Dancing? It’s a classic.”

“Fine.” Schneider put pen to paper again, showing her the napkin, where he’d added ‘Star Wars + Dirty Dancing double feature’ on their must-haves list.

Penelope laughed. “Okay.”

“We’re in agreement about the dance, though, right?�� He checked with pen in hand. “If my side of our deal is to convince Nikki that I’m relationship material, the romantic parts are important. She needs to see my smooth moves on the dance floor. She needs to see me romancing you.”

It felt risky. It felt stupid.

Going out with him was just like hanging out as friends, with more affection. Faking it to make Nikki jealous would be kind of fun because she couldn’t stand Nikki, and it should help keep Max at arm’s length where she needed him to be.

Faking it for her family would be harder, but not impossible.

But pretending to be a couple at Homecoming?

The last time she went to Homecoming was with Max. The idea hurt. And scared her a little. Did she want to pretend that Schneider was her boyfriend under genuinely romantic circumstances?

Was there any universe in which that would be a good idea?

She doubted it.

He was not wrong about the logic behind it, though. So she nodded, and kept her thoughts to herself.

“I can bring you flowers a lot,” Schneider decided. “To your work, to the house, everywhere.”

Penelope was about to say how romantic and sweet that was, until Schneider finished the thought with, “Nikki hates it when I get romantic with her, so maybe seeing how much you appreciate it will change her mind about what a good boyfriend I could be.”

“You have to visit me at work!” She blurted out, remembering it at the last minute.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. Like, lunch visits to stop in and say hi, or maybe picking me up after my shifts sometimes. Especially when I have my residency days at the hospital.”

“Oh. Right, right, right. Gotcha. Make him jealous. That’ll be a good time for the flower drop offs,” he noted, jotting it down on the list. “Now here’s the big one for me. You have to make time for a standing Friday night date, and you have to come with me to Alex’s first travel game.”

“What? No way! Schneider, you know how busy I am. You take him on travel games because I can’t. And I don’t have time to date for real, why would I--”

“Because, Penelope.” He drew her name out for emphasis. “If you want to make your family think this is real, then we have to date. Otherwise they will not buy it. No chance.”

“But the travel game? Those are overnight. Are you saying we’d have to share a bed, and...”

“It’s not a proposition,” Schneider said patiently. “You know what Alex’s travel games are like for me. I take him, he plays, he hangs out with his friends, and Nikki hits on me from the moment we arrive to the moment we leave again.”

“Oh.” Yes, okay, he had probably mentioned that, Penelope thought, but she didn’t exactly make Schneider’s love life a priority when it came to her limited brainspace.

“So, if we’re saying we’re a couple, and you don’t come on the travel games--at least the first one, to make a statement--then Nikki’s first move will be to show up at my door at 2am. If we want this to work, I need Nikki’s booty call to be met with your sexy girlfriend energy, like a forcefield that reminds her I can do better.”

Penelope couldn’t decide if she wanted to be be offended at the idea that her value lay in being a girlfriend-shaped buzzkill...or if she was weirdly flattered that he saw her presence as enough to make Nikki feel inferior.

There was no choice there that made her feel less gross as a person, so she shrugged and moved on.

“I get it. With Elena overseas and my job a little less hectic, I should be able to swing a travel game. We’ll trade off sharing the bed.”

“Noted.”

It was ages away. There was no way they’d still be trying to win over/repel their exes by then.

No chance.

She held out her hand for the pen and initialed the napkin, watching as he did so after.

“We should get snacks to take back to my mom,” Penelope decided, uncharacteristically.

Not that any of this was really characteristic of her. But it would help stop her Mami from blasting questions at them right away when they got back, and even a few seconds breathing room would be a blessing.

Schneider paid for all the food.

She chose not to argue. Her head hurt. She had a rich boyfriend now. Fake boyfriend.

Whatever.

He had money and she was all out of energy for negotiating. Plus, Schneider’s smile when she waved at him to go ahead and cover the cost was almost worth it.

He so wanted to share and help and offer himself up to everyone else.

As fake boyfriends went, she could do much worse.

****

As soon as they passed their additional snacks to her mom and cheered Alex, who was finally up at bat, Schneider took full advantage of his hands being free.

Penelope had agreed to the lie, but that didn’t mean she knew exactly how to fake a relationship. Where was she supposed to start?

Schneider had no such confusion, at least that she could see. He shifted himself closer than he usually stood at Alex’s games, and slung one arm over her shoulder so she was snuggled up against his side until it was time to cheer and try the wave.

It did feel very couple-y, she decided. He was good at this.

Nikki was glaring at them from her own seat, and every time Penelope caught it in the corner of her eye, it made her feel vindicated. Schneider deserved better, and lord knew why he was even hoping to convince Nikki to be his girlfriend at all, but since he was…well, that was Penelope’s best friend that Nikki liked to treat like dirt.

She took some joy in pissing off the woman who had dented his heart.

The daggers her Mami was shooting at both of them, the silent fuming and the restrained tension radiating off Lydia, Penelope knew that would last as long as Alex’s game did.

So, much like Schneider next to her, she just kept going through the motions. He focused on being her boyfriend now, and she focused on being the supportive mom for her talented sports kid, and she knew that Hurricane Lydia would land on them both as soon as they got home.

She was pretty sure the only reason her Mami didn’t explode even sooner than that was because it would’ve been dangerous to them driving home, and with her precious grandson in the car she wouldn’t risk it.

[staycatcher]

Anguish 001- Anguish

“Out  of  genuine  free  will,  I,  Lee  Minho,  exercise  the  divine  right  to  reject  my  sacredly  designed  soulmate.”

Member: Lee  Minho / Lee  Know  x  Femme  Reader  (she / her)

Au: Frat Boi! Minho  +  Rejected  Soulmate  AU

Genre: Angst  (some  comedy?,,  this  series  is  gonna  be  angsty  because  of  the  whole  ‘rejected  soulmate’  thing)

Rated  T  for  a  whole  lotta  swearing,  a  frat  party,  crowds,  usage  of  alcohol  and  mentions  of  drugs,  intensity,  reader  is  a  bit  socially  anxious (please  lmk  if  any  other  warnings  are  needed!💞🥺)

Word Count:  4k  &  manually  double  spaced  between  words  &  paragraphs  for  ease  of  reading!!!!🥵🤠🥰

Note: this is dedicated to @trixareforlix, they’re the first-ever friend I made on here and they’re the one who sparked this frat au idea!! Ilysm always angel!!<33

Edited: 201015 (Original: 190813 )

Anguish series 1/?-  ~001~, 002

The  anticipated  day  where  you’d  become  magnetized,  the  world  around  you  becoming  a  blur,  your  heart  falling  into  perfect  sync  with  the  one  destined  for  you  truly… was  not  like  that  at  all,  actually!  No,  the  stars  were  cruel  to you,  perhaps  you  did  something  awful  in  your  past  life  to   deserve  this,  but  maybe  what  is  more  likely  is  that  your  soulmate’s  just  an  asshole.  After  all,  one’s  soulmate  was  the  complete  opposite  of  one’s  self.  Soulmates  were  the  yin  to  one’s  yang  and  vice  versa  and  all  that.  To  keep  one  balanced,  or  whatever. 

Now,  you  aren’t  the  angel  everyone  may  claim  you  to  be.  You  weren’t  angelic,  not  at  all.  Eating  ice  cream  for  breakfast  was  not  above  you.  Your  nail  polish  was  perpetually  chipped.  You  couldn’t  stand  to  keep  your  hair  in  the  same  style  for  too  long;  chopping  it  all  off  or  seeing  how  long  it  could  grow,  dying  it  as  bright  as  you  could,  and  everything  in  between.  You  adorned  yourself  with  two  or  three  more  piercings  than  your  parents  could  get  behind,  bless  them,  you’re  beginning  to  have  trouble  hiding  your  new  tattoo.  Habitually,  you  were  sensitive,  soft,  a  bit  emotional,  and  tended  to  be  a  bit  of  a  smartass.  You  weren’t  blessed  with  physical  grace,  ceaselessly  tripping  over  yourself,  spilling  and  knocking  over  anything  in  your  path,  and  dancing  out  of  beat  to  blasted  songs. 

More  often  than  not,  you  would  go  to  bed  later  than  planned.  Tonight  was  one  of  those  nights,  but  it  was  not  because  of  your  natural  preference.  You  were  not  too  figuratively  dragged  into  this  by  someone  who  held  the  title  of  your  best  friend,  someone  whom  you  were  currently  thinking  of  ways  of  revoking  that  title  from. 

  “C’mon,  dummy!  We’re  almost  there!”  Jamie  elbowed  you,  her  eyes  crinkled  in  laughter,  whacking  you  on  the  back  a  bit  too  hard. 

 “Jamie,  I  must’ve  forgotten,  but  why’re  you  even  dragging me  to  this  frat  party  again?  Why  not  just  go  to  your  sorority  instead?”  You  groaned,  your  two  left  feet  were  dragging  behind  you  on  the  aged  sidewalk,  your  fake  Doc  Martens  feeling  like  cinder  blocks. 

“‘Cause  Chris  invited  me  and  he’s  being  a  little  bitch  about  it  because  I  keep  canceling  on  ‘im!  He  keeps  saying  that  my  soulmate  might  be  there!”  She  reminded  you  for  the  umpteenth  time,  rolling  her  head  and  eyes  back  in  frustration,  sighing  before  continuing.  “And  now  it’s  like-  I  might  as  well  try  and  see!  I  mean,  come  on!~  I’m  starting  to  think  he’s  right!”  And  for  the  umpteenth  time  today,  you  question  why  she’s  falling  for  this.  She’s  sharper  than  this.  But  for  some  reason,  just  this  once,  she  found  a way  to  shoehorn  Chris’s  dumbassery  to  logic. 

 In  reality,  you  could  meet  your  soulmate  at  any  time  or  place,  so  to  say  that  one's  soulmate  might  be  there  is  like  saying  it  might  rain.  Sure,  it  might.  But  it  also  can  rain  in  any  season  so  you  can’t  be  wrong  with  saying  that  it  might.  It  doesn’t  always  rain  every  day,  all  the  time,  so  it  also  isn’t  that  likely.  Rain  depends  on  a  lot  more  factors.  But  right  now,  you’re  a  little  buzzed,  so  it  sounded  pretty  sound. 

 “So  he  knows  your  soulmate?” 

 “I’d  hope  so!  If  not,  I’d  rip  his  bleached  hay-hair  right  out  of  his  thick  skull!”  Now,  this  is  the  Jamie  you  knew  and  loved,  you  couldn't  help  the  endeared  smile  on  your  face.  “When  we  could’ve  been  eating  takeout  and  watching  a  musical-“

 “So  which  frat  are  we  going  to  again?”  You  had  to  interrupt  her  for  her  sake.  Takeout  and  a  movie  would  always  remain  superior  to  parties  in  your  mind  and  you  already  didn’t  want  to  be  accompanying  her  to  a  frat  house. 

 “Hmm…  It’s  like-  uh...  Signal  kite  zing-  wait  no-  hold  on-“

You  guys  must  be  tipsier  from  the  pregaming  than  you  thought.  “Sigma?  ‘Signal’  isn’t  greek,  I  think  you  mean  sigma!  And  ‘kite’  isn-”

 “Right,  whatever!  Anyways,  the  abbreviation  is  SKZ-“

 “Ohhh!  We’re  friends  with  some  of  them-  We’re  like  best  friends  with  Chris!!  Why  didn’t  you  say  it  was  Chris’s  frat  in  the  first  place?”  Your  laugh  projecting  out  of  you  unattractively  with  claps  and  swings  of  limbs  which  led  to  slapping  a  little  too  hard  at  Jamie's  shoulder.  This  clarification  did  make  you  feel  a  bit  better.  This  wasn’t  a  shitty  fraternity  you  didn’t  know,  this  was  a  shitty  fraternity  you  inevitably  tolerated  since  you  knew  and  even  approved  of  some  of  its  members! 

 SKZ  was  home  to  a  hodgepodge  of  eight  brothers  who  were  pretty  individual  as  far  as  frat  dudes  go.  Some  of  which  you  were  genuinely  fond  of,  like  Chris,  or  simply  acquainted  with,  like  Jisung,  whom  you  shared  a major  and  program  with.  Others,  you  couldn’t  even  remember  the  names  of  or  who  they  are  in  general.  It’s  also  the  smallest  frat  on  campus,  so  they  try  to  get  as  many  people  to  come  to  events  as  possible,  which  is  honestly  exhausting  as  a  concept  to  your  introverted  self.  Thus,  you’ve  never  actually  attended  one  of  theirs  until  now,  now  that  Jamie  is  dragging  you  along  with  her.

 “Ow!  I  don’t  know!~  I  thought  you  were  smart  enough  to  figure  it  out  when  I  mentioned  Chris!”  She  teased,  making  the  two  of  you  laugh  harder,  you  couldn’t  defend  yourself  on  that  one.  The  two  of  you  just  continued  your  idiotic  banter  the  rest  of  the  way  to  the  Sigma  Kappa  Zeta  house  aka  the  SKZ  frat.  

 The  walk  to  SKZ’s  lair  was  a  bit  much,  more  than  you  and  Jamie  bargained  for.  You  were  so  kindly  carrying  her  platforms  for  her  until  she’ll  put  them  back  on  again,  only  for  you  to  probably  end  up  kindly  carrying  them  again  later  tonight.  The  cool  breeze  of  the  September  night  helped  with  the  humidity  and  sweat,  and  the  sun  beautifully  set,  leaving  a  delicate  lilac  color  in  its  wake  which  was  becoming  darker  and  darker  the  further  you  walked.  The  hazy  streetlights  added  to  the  whimsy  atmosphere,  yet  to  be  ruined  with  the  sound  of  an  intolerable  amount  of  bass  and  the  overbearing  smell  of  beer  and  weed  when  the two  of  you  arrived  on  site.  

 “Okay,  I’m  pretty  sure  it’s  this  house!”  Jamie  halted  her  steps,  turning  towards  you,  her  hair  swaying  along  with  the  belled  sleeves  of  her  mesh  turtleneck  she  had  under  her  dress.  The  two  of  you  really  dolled  yourselves  up  for  the  night,  her  hair  was  perfect,  your  hair  was  perfect,  outside  was  perfect,  and  it  brought  you  sobering  back  to  the  not-so-perfect  earth.  The  idea  of  going  inside  a  suffocating,  putrid  house  majorly  crowded  with  drunk  and  hormonal  peers...  was  not  appealing  to  you  in  the  least.   

 “Yup,  and  now  it’s  time  to  turn  back  around!”  You  quipped,  ensnaring  her  arm  with  your  empty  one,  about  to  steer  the  two  of  you  in  a  three-point-turn.  This  was  your  final  chance  at  getting  out  of  your  predicament,  and  now  that  you’re  here  you  regret  playing  along.  Sadly,  Jamie  was  just  as  stubborn  as  you,  and  your  turn  around  was  met  with  a  roadblock. 

 “Oh  my  god,  Y/n,  you’re  joking!  We  walked  the  whole  ass  way  here!”  She  got  out  in  between  puffs  of  airy  frustration,  her  socked  heels  digging  into  the  ground  as  you  attempted,  gracelessly,  to  steer  the  two  of  you  around.    

 “Okay,  okay,  fine.  We  did  come  all  this  way  and  now  our  drinks’ve  worn  off.”  You  acknowledged  with  an  irritated  huff.  “Okay-  how  about  we  go  in  and  get  some  drinks,  and  then  we’ll  leave?!”  Your  pitch  going  up  with  each  word  of  your  attempt  to  negotiate  before  forcing  out  a  chuckle,  your  laugh  did  its  best  to  hide  the  fact  that  your  body  was  beginning  to  stick  with  sweat  and  anxiety. 

“No,  ‘and  then’  we’ll  find  Chris  to  hook  me  up!”  She  playfully  fought  back  but  it  was  hard  to  take  her  seriously,  or  yourself,  with  how  the  two  of  you  were  laughing,  hers  genuine,  yours  not  so  much.  

 “Jesus  Christ,  you  really  are  set  on  this  ‘finding  your  soulmate’  thing.”  You  breathed.  As  much  as  you  hated  social  gatherings,  you  loved  your  best  friend  much,  much  more,  therefore  you  were  willing  to  be  won  over  in  the  name  of  friendship.  Though,  she  would  owe  you  for  this!  Fortunately  for  her,  food  and  drink  is  fair  trade  in  you  and  your  wallet’s  eyes. 

 “I’m  lonely,  okay!  I’d  prefer  winning  the  lottery  but  this  is  the  next  best  thing!”  Jamie,  as  per  usual,  brought  the  two  you  back  right  to  laughter  instantly.  She  had  her  mind  made  up.  Plus,  with  you  giggling  it  made  it  all  the  easier  for  her  to  haul  the  both  of  you  right  up  the  steps  of  the  SKZ  Frat  House  stairs.   

Once  in,  Jamie  stuck  close  to  your  side,  literally,  but  not  that  she  had  the  natural  choice  or  much  of  an  alternative;  this  place  was  packed  to   the  gills!  Jumping  up  on  her  now  platform  clad  feet,  looking  for  anyone  she  recognized  or  any  signs  of  Chris,  while  you  led  the  two  of  you,  hopefully,  to  a  kitchen.  You  were  practically  kicking  yourself  each  step  of  the  way  as  you  shoved  your  way  through  the  crowd.  The  air  was  stuffy  and  possibly  even  toxic,  to  say  the  least.  The  scent  is  much  more  foul  than  last  you  remember,  pungent  with  alcohol,  sweat,  cigarettes,  weed,  hints  of  puke,  and  dashes  of  all  sorts  of  pheromones.  Despite  the  few  times  you’ve  smelled  this  scent,  it  never  failed  to  make  you  wish  you  didn’t  leave  your  safe,  sanitary  bed.   

 There’s  jabbing  elbows  and  flailing  parts  of  strangers  everywhere  that  had  to  be  watched  out  and  dodged  for,  sloshing  cups,  sometimes  drunken  flirtatious  hands  grabbing  at  you,  not  at  all  fazed  by  the  pretty  companion  you  had  your  elbow  linked  with.  The  sway  of  the  hoards  of  people  was  beginning  to  get  you  motion  sick,  but  you  were  determined  to  keep  wading  through,  trying  to  hike  through  this  high  tide,  but  you  couldn’t  help  but  feel  vulnerable.  You  were  cursed  with  a  soft,  approachable  face  that  just  begged  to  be  messed  with.  Even  in  times  like  these,  where  your  thoughts  are  nothing  short  of  bitchy,  the  message  would  never  get  across  with  a  resting  bitch  face.  Your  love  for  dark  attire  didn’t  matter.  Your  baby  face  and  aura  won  every  match.  Not  even  the  eyeliner  and  dark  lipstick  you  preferred  could  save  you.  All  you  could  do  is  hope  that  your  best  friend’s  intimidation  and  delightfully  loud  presence  was  enough  for  the  two  of  you  as  you  keep  planting  one  foot  after  the  other.  

“Fucking  hell!”  You  barely  gasped  out,  finally  freed  out  of  the  main  room,  and  now  into  the  hallway.  The  seasick  claustrophobia  no  longer  had  its  poisonous  grips  on  your  soft,  easy  to  bruise  skin,  though,  you  did  need  to  catch  your  breath.  

 “Finally!”  Jamie  sighed  loudly  and  melodically,  patting  you  on  the  back  and  easily  recovering.  Before  she  headed  straight  into  the kitchen  to  scope  out  the  place,  possibly  for  anyone  she  knew  and,  perhaps,  her   Special  Someone.  

 “So  did  ya  see  anyone  you  knew,  Jame?”  You  called  after  her  upon  entering  what  appeared  to  be  a  stereotypical  scene  of  the  kitchen  during  a  college  party.  Cliche  red  solo  cups  scattered  everywhere,  filled  at  varying  degrees.  A  beer  keg  or  two,  some  cheap  bottles  of  vodka  splayed  about,  remnants  of  ash  from  blunts,  a  couple  or  two  aggressively  making  out  against  the  wall,  and  four  or  five  random  stragglers  fidgeting  with  their  phone or  talking  overly  loudly  to  each  other.  You  know,  the  usual.  

“Ughh,  no”  She  answered  reluctantly.  “They  have  to  be  somewhere  else,  maybe,  like  upstairs  or  downstairs,  right?!”  

Before  you  could  reply,  behind  you,  you  heard  an  enthusiastic  “Jamie!!”  then  a  muffled,  “you  finally  made  it!!”  The  familiar  voice  had  you  jerking  your  head  to  see  if  your  ears  were  failing  you,  evidently,  they  weren’t.  Right  away  you  see  Chris  tackling  Jamie  in  a  hug  before  he  met  your  eyes  with  his  comically  wide  ones.  

“Aaaahhh!!  Y/n’s  here  too?!”

 “Yeah!  Don’t  we  look  cute?”  Jamie  fluffed  up  her  cropped,  newly  dyed  hair  you  helped  her  do,  yours  also  in  a  similar  state.   

“Yeah,  but  Y/n  looks  better.”  He  teased,  giggling  and  slapping  her  in  the  arm;  unsurprising,  as  it’s  their  usual  fashion.   

“Oh  my  god!  Why  did  I  come  here?!  Okay,  we’ll  leave  then,  Chris.”  Jamie  joked  right  back  at  him,  snatching  at  your  hand  like  it  was  a  prize  to  be  won  and  taking  you  away  with  her.  Unfortunately  for  you,  this  was  just  a  well-meaning  joke,  you  weren’t  going  to  be  set  free  from  a  party  anytime  soon.   

 “Nooo!  Don’t  go!!”  He  dramatized,  grabbing  onto  at  Jamie,  halting  her  from  leaving  with  you  in  tow.  Giggling  so  hard,  he  had  to  throw  his  head  back  to  project  it  all.  You  snorted  a  “thank  you”  a  bit  late,  too  busy  laughing.  He  just  gave  you  a  brotherly  slap  on  the  arm,  on  his  way  to  leave  before  Jamie  stopped  him.  

“Wait!  What  about  my  soulmate?  You  said  they'd  be  here,  remember!”  

“Oh?”  Chris’s  eyebrows  scrunched  in  confusion,  Jamie  nodded  with  stern  wide  eyes  which  seemed  to  spark  back  his  doubtful  memory,  “Ahhh…  downstairs…  maybe…  I  think-  hangin’  out!  There’s  a  game  about  to  start-  Oh,  yeah!  That’s  why  I’m  here-”  he  giggled  to  himself,  “to  get  this!”  He  then  snatched  a  full  bottle  of  vodka  from  a  sneaky  cabinet  you  didn’t  know  about  before  ushering  you  guys  along  to  follow  him.  Honestly,  Chris  didn’t  make  it  sound  too  promising  that  Jamie’s  soulmate  could  be  down  there,  but  it’s  the  best  lead  you  got.   

Shyly,  you  followed  behind  the  two  as  he  led  the  way  to  the  basement.  With  Chris  as  your  guide,  it  was  relatively  smooth  sailing,  the  crowd  parting  minimally  to  make  way  for  the  president  of  the  frat.  Before  you  know  it,  you’re  walking  down  some  nasty  ass  carpeted  stairs,  forcing  your  eyes  from  questionable  stains  to  look  for  a  rail  instead  to  hold  onto.  Strangely  enough,  walking  down  the  steps  was  comforting  somehow,  the  feeling  as  if  it  were  inviting  you  in.  Like  it  assigned  you  a  duty  instead  of  the  alienating  fish  out  of  water  experience  you  had  earlier  on  the  main  floor.   

 “I  picked  up  some  stragglers!”  Chris  cheered  as  he  turned  into  the  room.   

 “Yeah,  but  did  you  bring  the  alcohol?”  A  brazen  voice  you’ve  never  heard  before  shot  straight  through  you.  You  could  feel  it  run  through  you  with  tingles  down  your  spine  and  goosebumps  up  your  arms.   

“Hell  yeah  I  did,  ya  jackass!”  

 When  the  two  of  you  turned  the  corner,  the  world  slowed  down  and  your  muscles  instantly  seized  up,  halting  you  into  place  without  consent.  Your  insides  clench  tight,  wrapping  itself  into  a  knot.  Suddenly  you  were  sweating,  but  in  contrast,  your  vision  looked  as  though  you  were  looking  through  a  nice  refreshing  glass  of  pink  lemonade.  Normally  steady  hands  were  now  shaky,  your  ears  and  cheeks  beginning  to  glow  beet  red.  You  could  feel  yourself  beginning  to  sweat  at  the  nape  of  your  neck  and  underarms;  all  this  from  the  sudden  voice  of  the  stranger!  -What?  What’s  going  on?!-    

 Immediately,  your  gaze  pans  around  the  room  before  they  landed  on  the  source,  long-lashed  eyes  holding  a  dark  chocolate  glaze  and  shivering  you  to  the  bone.  Like  a  hooked  fish,  you  couldn’t  look  away.  The  initial  astonishment  of  just  the  sensations  couldn‘t  compare  to  exploring  the  face  in  front  of  you.  

 Chiseled  cheeks,  and  angular  brows.  Pouty  naturally  downturned  lips  were  discovered  underneath  an  impossibly  perfect,  pointy  nose.  Everything  about  him  was  like  the  artwork,  his  slightly  covered  forehead  was  somehow  artistic  as  if  even  the  space  between  the  brow  and  the  hairline  was  something  new  that  your  narrow  mind  could  never  possibly  understand.  His  hairline  soon  revealed  a  head  of  luscious  black  hair,  unrealistically  voluminous,  shiny  and  soft.  Honestly,  his  hair  was  screaming  at  you  to  test  out  if  it  could  be  possible,  that  someone  who  looked  like  this  was  real.  His  entire  face  and  head  on  his  shoulders  didn’t  make  conceivable  sense.  Maybe  it’s  just  you,  but  a  person  this  perfect  couldn’t  exist  and  you  have  yet  to  venture  south  to  see  how  perfect  the  rest  of  him  could  possibly  be.    

 “Y/n?  Are- are  you  okay?”  

 You  vaguely  felt  or  heard  your  best  friend  at  your  side,  but  it  wasn’t  decipherable.  Everything  but  this  guy  in  front  of  you  was  fuzzy,  blurry  to  you.  All  the  energy  in  your  being  focused  on  this  human  in  front  of  you.  His  silky,  messily  parted  locks,  begging  for  you  to  test  if  it  was  as  soft  as  it  looked.  His  sharp  features.  His  lips  a  natural  coral-y  color  that  began  to  shine  and  glimmer  with  saliva  as  his  glossy  tongue  began  to  trail  along  those  chapped  lips.  You  shot  your  eyes  back  to  his,  reeling  you  back  in  like  the  prey  you  began  to  feel.  Oh,  sweet,  sweet  baby  Jesus,  is  this  really  happening?!

 “I-“  both  of  you  started  at  the  same  time.  Embarrassingly  enough,  it  seems  as  though  the  blurry  figures  of  everyone  else  in  the  corner  of  your  eyes  caught  on  to  something  the  two  of  you  were  oblivious  to.  Everyone  started  jumping  and  screaming,  whooping  chaotically,  and  taking  over  your  vision.  The  slow  world  disappeared  in  a  blink,  launching  you  right  back  to  its  now  rapid,  woozy  speed.  With  everyone  pushing  and  shoving  around  you  in  excitement  it  was  not  at  all  helping  with  your  wibbly-wobbly  state.  

Suddenly,  you  felt  many  different  arms  coming  at  you,  wrapping  around  you,  constricting  you,  and  jumping  around  with  you  in  their  arms  in  excitement.  There was  a  deafening  amount  of  rambunctious  hooting  and  hollering  it  was  almost  as  if  the  team  they  were  rooting  for  won  the  SuperBowl.  

 “And  here  I  thought  Y/n  was  Jamie’s  soulmate!”  Chris  guffawed  and  they  all  joined  in,  all  besides  you  and  this  guy- WAIT-  did  Chris  say-  say  ‘soulmate’??  No,  he  couldn’t  have!  

 “Soulmate?”  Equally,  as  soon  as  you  internally  questioned  the  word  choice,  you  heard  his  earth-shattering  voice  speak  again,  despite  the  fact  he  merely  whispered,  softly  wondering  aloud.  He  spoke  aloud  what  you  were  thinking,  right  when  you  thought  it!   

 You  couldn’t  get  enough  of  his  voice,  especially  now  when  you  can’t  see  him  in  the  crowd.  His  voice  was  light,  honey-colored,  dreamy,  just  the  perfect  amount  of  deep,  it  made  you  want  to  taste  his  lips  to  see  if  he’s  as  sweet  as  he  sounded.  You,  yourself,  were  still  in  the  locked-in-place  state,  still  too  shell  shocked  to  even  make  a  step  forward,  your  poor  brain  overworking  itself  to  make  sense  of  any  of  this.   

 “Really?”  In  elated  shock  you  chirped,  slowly  giving  in  to  the  hugs  and  excited  jumping  with  wide  and  confused  eyes.  Is  this  for  real?  This  is  really  happening?!  

“Holy  fuck,  Y/n!”  Jamie  managed  to  get  you,  pulling  you  a  bit  too  crushingly  in  a  hug.  “I  can’t  believe  it!  You  found  your  soulmate  in  this  shitty  basement  and  not  me!”  She  playfully  teased,  there  was  no  ill  will  behind  it.   

 By  now  the  situation  was  beginning  to  sink  in  a  teeny  bit  and  you  were  shocked,  to  say  the  least.  Frankly,  you  were  starting  to  think  that  this  day  would  never  come.  You  had  a  soulmate  and  your  soulmate  looked  like  that!  You  were  over  the  moon,  even  if  you  felt  a  bit  guilty  that  you  found  your  soulmate  at  this  party  instead  of  Jamie.  It  was  the  plan  of this  whole  night,  after  all.  Now  that  it  was  you,  you  didn’t  know  how  to  react.  You  were  completely  and  utterly  unprepared.  

  “I’m  so  sorry,  Jamie.”  You  pulled  her  back  in  closer,  crushing  her  back  into  you,  eyes  watering,  lip  trembling.  “Oh  my  god,  I  think  I  might-  I  think  I  might  cry.”  You  hiccupped  into  her  chic  mesh  turtleneck  and  dress  combo.  This  is  too  much.  Too  too  much.   

 “Heyy!~  Don’t  feel  bad  for  me!  It’s  okay!”  Jamie  simply  chortled,  patting  your�� head  deeper  into  her  chest,  her  usual  protocol  if  you  were  about  to  seriously  cry.  

Humiliatingly  enough,  you  heard  a  few  guys  begin  to  chant  “don’t  cry!”  in  the  background.  Your  small  moment  of  sincerity  and  calm  was  soon  interrupted  by  Chris.   

 “Well  isn’t  this  fun!  You  know  what  this  means!”~   

“Minho’s  soulmate’s  a  lil’  bitch?”  You  heard  Jisung,  the  kid  whom  you  shared  your  major  and  many  classes  with,  taunt.  His  words  forcing  you  forward,  ready  to  fight  the  kid.  He’s  a  child,  literally   a  child!  Why  do  I  associate  myself  with  him?!  I  swear  to  god-

 “Hey,  hey,  hey!  It  was  a  joke!”  He  squeaked  away  from  you.  He  was  too  speedy,  no  chance  for  you  and  your  heavy  ass  boots  stomping  after  him.  Safely,  he  skidded  behind  the  couch,  behind  whom  you’re  assuming  is  “Minho”,  which  had  your  boots  screeching  to  a  halt.  

Though  you  were  scrambling  after  Jisung,  your  eyes  naturally  met  Minho’s  as  you  halted.  Once  again,  your  body  is  preparing  to  either  fight  or  flight.  His  face  was  glowing  like  he  was  some  sort  of  ethereal  being,  wracked  up  in  deep,  attractive  concentration.  In  contrast,  your  face  was  beginning  to  burn  up  an  embarrassing  amount,  your  body  already  turning  into  inoperable  mush.  You  couldn’t  say  anything  if  you  tried.  Any  sentence  structure  your  brain  tried  to  form  didn’t  make  any  grammatical  or  logical  sense,  your  mind  racing  like  a  hamster  on  a  wheel.  Your  neural  pathways  were  glowing,  steaming  with  this  sudden  overstimulation,  leading  you  to  the  same  frazzling  answer  each  and  every  time: 

This  person  right  in  front  of  you?  Yeah,  that’s  your  soulmate. 

 A  hush  was  spread  throughout  the  previously  hype  basement,  all  eyes  immersed  in  the  two  of  you  speechlessly  enraptured  in  each  other.  The  longer  you  stood  there, the  more  you  could  take  him  in  and  get  used  to  him  and  the  idea  of  him.  You  were  warming  up  to  him,  he  became  more  and  more  real  with  each  millisecond.  You've  studied  his  eyes  so  passionately  now  that  could  see  his  dark  chocolatey  pupils  when  you  closed  your  eyes.  You  were  no  longer  overwhelmed  but  now  enchanted  by  his  features  and  general  presence.  His  cheekbones  are  no  longer  an  unfamiliar  art  piece.  His  aura  was  still  intimidating  as  before,  but  now  it  appeared   to  the  cheeky  kind  of  way  like  you  wanted  to  see  what  amount  of  scary  he  was  capable  of.  It  was  a  long,  jittery,  drawn-out  pause  before  anything  happened,  not  that  you  noticed.  

 “Out  of  genuine  free  will,”  You  just  smiled,  staring  at  his  naturally  downturned  lips.  Only  by  reading  his  lips  did  you  pay  attention  to  what  he  was  saying-  Wait,  what?

“I,  Lee-”  Hold on a second.  

“Minho-”  No.  

“Exercise  the  divine  right  to”  This  isn’t  happening  to  me.  This  isn’t- 

“Reject  my  sacredly  designed-” happening.  No.  No.  It  can’t  be.  It’s  not  p-   

“Soulmate.”  -ossible.  

The  electric,  exciting,  high  energy  pause  between  us  fell  and  wilted.  Died  just  like  that.  The  connected  red  strings  that  tied  Minho  and  yourself  were  chopped  off  on  his  own  accord,  bringing  icy  cold  into  the  room  in  its  wake.  A  harsh  blizzard  overwhelming  the  space.  Gasps  of  shocked  air  were  being  taken  in  from  everyone  in  this  basement,  everyone,  including  Lee  Minho.  

 You  got  a  gasp  of  bitter  cold  in  through  your  lungs  before  you  were  struck  like  lightning.  Lightning  of  feverish  torture  took  over  your  body,  struck  you  directly  in  the  heart  and  brain  before  it  flashed  through  your  veins  carrying  the  harsh  poison  of  rejection.  

   You  heard  a  pathetic  squawk  tear  its  way  out  of  your  chapped  lips,  the  anguish  forcing  you  down  to  your  knees  as  if  you  were  directly  stabbed  in  the  heart.  The  electric,  immediate  painful  reaction  faded,  bringing  boiling  throbs  through  all  your  cells,  not  leaving  one  out.  It  was  unlike  anything  you  could  describe,  no,  imagine.  It  was  as  if  the  blood  in  your  veins  was  replaced  with  boiling  water  and  your  heart  was  simultaneously  squeezed  and  electrocuted  in  the  grasps  of  electric  hands.  Maybe  it  was  the  hands  of  Satan  dragging  you  down  with  him.

Blurrily,  through  fresh,  hot  tears,  you  swear  you  could  see  Minho  physically  flinch  in  response,  immediately,  sprinting  out  of  the  room  as  if  he  was  escaping  from  a  house  on  fire. 

 That  was  the  last  you  saw  before  it  all  faded  to  black. 

[mcmansionhell]

McMansion Hell Does Architectural Theory (Part 3): British Palladianism

Hello Friends! Today we’re going to talk about a rather short-lived movement in late 17th, early-18th century architecture: British Palladianism, which is v “Palladio is great and I, an aristocrat, will only pay you if you design in reference to his style.” Of course it goes deeper than that, so, let’s begin! 

Background

In previous installations of this series, we’ve talked about the Italians and the French, but what the heck was happening in Britain all this time? Well, the answer is:

Seriously. The dang Brits were at war all the time - colonializing everything, sinking all of Spain’s ships, creating their own cool church bc their king wanted a son etc. 

Because of all this dang war, architecture in Britain for a long time was a messy hodgepodge of stylistic elements. Examples range from Henry VIII’s Windsor Castle Gatehouse (OG Tudor, though ostensibly Gothic) to the more classically-oriented but still rather Gothic Old Somerset House (completed in 1552) (demolished).  According to Mallgrave’s Architectural Theory (a great anthology), most of the classically inspired elements on pre-17th Century British buildings can be traced to Italian or French artisans. Oh well. 

Early English Classicism (Late 17th Century)

It wasn’t until the 17th century (v late) that classicism became a big deal in England. The first real-deal English classicist was the badass-ly named Inigo Jones, who actually went to Italy for a year (1613-14) where he encountered the work of Palladio for the first time -- which, needless to say blew his damn mind. Jones became the first British architect to have designed buildings in accordance to Vitruvian teachings and classical proportions.

The Dude Jones got into architecture through a weird angle: he was first a prominent set and costume designer for several English theatres. His Italian journey proved fruitful for him career-wise - many of the higher-ups were impressed with Jones’ knowledge of Italian aesthetics, and he was shortly appointed as the Surveyor to the Prince of Wales, before hella upgrading to being Surveyor of the King’s Works in 1615.

Jones’ earliest known architectural work (appropriately called Queen’s House), built for James I’s wife, Anne (who died before it was finished), was the first ever classically styled building in England. I mean, it’s great - just look at it. 

Photo by Bill Bertram (CC-BY-SA 2.5)

While Jones would go on to design a smattering of buildings, a great deal of his work was lost both in the English Civil War and in the 1666 Great Fire of London. Despite these minor setbacks, Jones’ is still considered to be among England’s greatest architects whose influence would span two centuries worth of British architectural technique.

Get it? It’s lit? Because half of his stuff got torched? I’m sorry.

As far as architectural theory goes during this era of budding classicism, the closest clue we have is the work of Henry Wotton, the British ambassador to Venice, who got so hellaciously sloshed on Italian architecture while he was there that he decided to write a book about it called The Elements of Architecture (1624), outlining his special interpretation of classical architecture. 

Wotton’s book was mostly a translation of Vitruvius with a little bit of Renaissance thought (a la Alberti and Palladio) thrown in. The most well-known snippet is his translation of the Vitruvian triad as “firmness, commodity, and delight” - an architectural catchphrase that often finds its way into contemporary architectural histories, though more accurate translations have been proposed:

Change in this line of thought came with Jones’ later successor, Christopher Wren. Unlike Jones who was rather rigorous in his classicism, Wren was a bit more...capricious. In fact, he even built in the Gothic style at the end of his long career (the dude built 45 churches alone) - a move that would have likely put Perrault and Blondel both in an early grave. 

Dude doesn’t even need the sunglasses, he’s throwing so much shade in this pic.

Wren’s ideas about architecture, encapsulated in his Tracts on Architecture (1670s) are varied. In Tract I, Wren opens up with the ballsy af statement: “Architecture has its political Use,” - that is, buildings form the national identity of a country and inspire patriotism amongst its citizens. This itself is a hot take, but it gets even hotter.

Like Perrault, Wren’s ideas about beauty are split into what he calls “natural” and “customary” beauty. Natural beauty consists of geometry, aka Proportions, following in the Platonic tradition® of an absolute beauty or harmony, inherently pleasing to all of us. Customary beauty, however, is more vague - Wren describes it as: “the use of our Senses to those Objects which are usually pleasing to us for other Causes, as Familiarity or particular Inclination breeds a Love to Things not in themselves lovely.”

Basically, we like certain things for some dumb reason like feelings and stuff.

In his second Tract, Wren gripes about architecture being “too strick and pedantick.” This makes sense, because Wren was really into blending a variety of interesting styles together, which was perhaps problematic to some.

Enter the Moralists

One person who was particularly sick of Wren’s sh*t was Anthony Ashley Cooper, Third Earl of Shaftesbury, who, in addition to being an Earl, was also a writer and philosopher. (He was notably taught at a young age by none other than John Locke, the guy you learned about in Civics class once.)

Shaftesbury hated (!!!) the Baroque stylings of Wren’s late work, as well as the next generation of architects including John Vanbrugh and Nicholas Hawksmoor, deeming the pair’s Baroque-leaning Blenheim Palace “a new palace spoilt.” In fact, he wrote a very amusingly scathing essay in 1712 basically saying that Britain was literally *THE BEST* at all of the other arts except for architecture, after which he proceeds to take a huge dump all over the architecture of the day.

Photo by Derova, (CC-BY-2.0)

Shaftesbury tried to sniff out a philosophical basis for Platonic thought regarding absolute beauty and harmonic proportions. What he came up with is essentially moralism, claiming that in order to be able to perceive the naturally good and beautiful ideas in art, one must themselves be naturally good and beautiful on the inside.™ Good taste comes from good inner resolve® to be true to what we know is true beauty and not be swayed by the evils of fashion™ blah blah blah.

The Height of British Palladianism 

This line of thought continued within what was now deemed British Palladianism (a movement whose discourse consisted mostly of wealthy Earls tutting at each other). British Palladianism saw several architects (Colin Campbell, Nicholas Du Bois, and William Kent, specifically) launch their own careers by releasing translations or new editions of works by Vitruvius, Palladio, and Jones, respectively with some pithy bits in the introductions haranguing the “ridiculous mixture of Gothick and Roman” of the previous generation thrown in for good measure.

Like all movements, the Palladian movement had its own shadowy figurehead, who funded the work of several of the architects working in the 1720s - Richard Boyle, Third Earl of Burlington.

Burlington was extremely wealthy, and spent most of his time being a total dilettante architect, traveling to Italy to collect manuscripts of Palladio and the like. In fact, Burlington fired Colin Campbell (the English Vitruvius!!) from working on his Piccadilly Villa because apparently Campbell’s classicism was **just not pure enough** for the good Earl, who decided he should just build his damn villa himself.

Burlington’s ruthless aesthetic commitment had a huge impact on the contemporary architects of the day, most of whom he fired. Of the ones he did not fire (aka he did not hire them in the first place), Robert Morris, the most prolific writer of the Palladian movement, is perhaps the most significant. Morris’s work chronicles not only the dawn and spirit of the movement but also its decline.

Morris’s 1728 essay “An Essay in Defense of Ancient Architecture” is about exactly what you would expect:

(((Tutting intensifies)))

The essay of course devolves from tutting critique to legit 17th century fanfiction:

I-Inigo-sama!!! <3

The End of an Era, I Guess

Jokes aside (yours truly used to ship historical figures back in my 7th grade fanfiction days and is not proud), Morris would take a rather different tone in 1739, in an essay commonly cited as a hint to the movement’s end, “An Essay upon Harmony.”

This essay breaks away from the Platonic ideas of absolute beauty, and instead breaks beauty up into several different categories - a relativist aesthetics coming from a contemporary movement (mostly in landscape architecture) called the picturesque, or picturesque theory, which will be the subject of next week’s post.

“In Harmony,” writes Morris, “there are three general Divisions, which may be distinguish’d by the Terms, Ideal, Oral, and Ocular.”

The Ideal is of course numbers and, duh, proportions. Oral harmony is how things are related to each other, with a v Plato allusion to musical harmony. Old news, right? 

But it’s Ocular harmony that offers a glimpse into what will ultimately be a much more powerful movement, spanning (serious, not dilettante) philosophy, art, and of course architecture: the picturesque and the sublime, supported by John Locke & Co.’s empiricism (but we’ll get to that).

Ocular harmony is the harmony of nature in its natural state - both “Animate” (animals, insects, also beauty and perfection, apparently) and “inanimate” (hills, woods, valleys, scenery - “noble, rural, and pleasing.”)

Morris’ ideas are ones of subjectivity, blind sensation to what is and is not lovely, rather than dictated ideas of aesthetic morality. He later goes on to say that in architecture, “The Proportion should be with respect to the Situation; the Dress, Decoration, and Materials should be adapted to the Propriety and Elegance of the Situation and Convenience…”

If that’s not the antithesis to Burlington’s objective classicist purity, I don’t know what is. And so, the bell finally tolls on British Palladianism.

Photo by Chris Nyborg, (CC-BY-SA 3.0)

I hope you enjoyed this bit of (admittedly long-overdue) tutting. Stay tuned for Wednesday’s Maine McMansion, and next Sunday’s installment where I trash talk a bunch of dudes who are way too into gardens.

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 30% goes to charity.

Copyright Disclaimer: All photos without captioned credit are from the Public Domain. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

[oliverdant]

When The CW’s Arrow resumes Season 5, it will be all hands on deck as Oliver & Co. set out to find Adrian Chase aka Prometheus, who brutally bested his WITSEC detail upon realizing his jig as a mild-mannered D.A. was up. 

Now among Team Arrow’s hodgepodge of assets is Dinah Drake, who slowly but surely has assumed the role of Black Canary (about a year, in real time, after Laurel Lance’s tragic death). 

TVLine spoke with newcomer Juliana Harkavy about whipping herself into crimefighting shape, the secret to the Canary Cry, Dinah’s dynamic with her teammates and the prospect of a showdown with her predecessor’s devious doppelganger. 

TVLINE | When did your journey to Arrow begin? And what did it involve? 

It began in October, and it was a really quick process. It was basically an audition on Tuesday, the callback was Wednesday, and at 4am Friday I had a car pick me up to take me to Vancouver. I had just moved back to L.A., so it was all sort of a whirlwind when it all did happen. 

TVLINE | Did they tell you that your character ultimately would be inheriting the mantle of Black Canary? Which is kind of a big deal. 

After I booked it, they sort of told me everything that the role entailed. I had no idea that it was this big or this iconic or this epic, so it was very exciting when I found out. I had no idea going in. 

TVLINE | Caity Lotz of course brought dance and some martial arts skills to the role, and Katie Cassidy was no stranger to the gym during her run. Do you bring anything innately physical to the table? 

Well, I was always an athlete; my grandfather and my dad are basketball players, and I played sports my whole life. I have done dancing as well. Not really much martial arts, but I felt confident in the gym. And when I got here, they instantly started to teach me all the techniques and put me with trainers…. But I did feel confident, physically, going in. 

TVLINE | Had you ever thrown a punch in your life? Smacked somebody? 

No. [Laughs] I joke but I’m sort of serious: I’ve always wanted to get into a fight. I know that sounds horrible, but I always had the desire to see what it’s like. There’s something that seems so fulfilling about punching somebody. It’s good that I got this role, so I don’t end up hurting anyone for real. [Laughs] 

TVLINE | How has your fitness regimen changed since joining Arrow? I cruised your Instagram, and you seem to have a healthy perspective on the whole thing, how it’s not about being “skinny” but “strong.” 

That’s exactly right. One of the things that happened after I got this job and learned I’d be training and learning bo staff, is they said, “We don’t want you to be skinny. We don’t want you to lose weight and restrict food.” Bam, our stunt coordinator [James Bamford], has been my biggest supporter when it comes to that. He said, “I would almost rather you have no neck because you’re so muscular than come to me and be unhealthy because you’re trying to be skinny. Superheroes have muscle, they’re strong. You don’t have to worry about a number on a scale.” From that moment on, it wasn’t stressful, it wasn’t like I have to work out because I have look a certain way. It was because I want to be strong, I want to be a superhero, to be able to stand up there with these big guys. It’s been probably the most healthy I’ve felt, because mentally I feel healthier as well going into it. 

TVLINE | I liked one photo you shared, showing off your new lats. 

Thanks! I’m working on it. It’s just so fun to wake up in the morning and have new muscles on your body. It does make you feel like a bigger, better version of yourself. 

TVLINE | Now a couple of months into your run, how would you describe Dinah’s relationship with Oliver, with Diggle? 

I think that these are the people she’s allowed herself to get closest to in a very long time. This is the first group that she’s allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Oliver was the one who sought her out and let her in, so her connection to him in particular is a special one. She has a particular fondness for Oliver — not in a romantic way, but as a partner. And with Diggle, he’s the second in command, and that appeals to Dinah. She likes to sort of team up and go on runs with him. He’s a competent fighter and so is she. 

TVLINE | It’s kind of like whereas Oliver brought Dinah in, Diggle has been the one who got her settled in and showed her how to be a team member. 

Exactly. That’s such a good way to put it. It’s a really nice dynamic, and it does make it feel like a big family where we’re all working together and helping each other. 

TVLINE | Well speaking of “family,” I almost feel like Dinah is a smart-ass big sister to Rene and Curtis. 

[Laughs] For sure. I think Dinah is sort of used to being “one of the boys,” so she’s not afraid to tease them or play with them a bit and mock them. That’s definitely part of her character. 

TVLINE | Burning question: On set, are you actually screaming when doing the Canary Cry, or just popping open your mouth? 

That’s a good question. In the shot that you’re talking about (below), I was definitely just mouthing it. A silent scream. But when we’re fighting and it already has that energy behind it, I will scream. You have to pick and choose your screams so you don’t blow your voice out. 

TVLINE | I think it was Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.‘s Chloe Bennet who said that it’s almost ridiculous to watch the filming of such scenes without the effects, where Daisy is just jutting her open palm at someone, looking angry. 

It is! But one cool thing that they do on set is “blow people back.” So, nothing will come out of my mouth, but they’ll launch these dudes back like 15, 20 feet, which is really exciting. It does sort of feel like your really doing it in the moment. 

TVLINE | Can we talk about the impracticality of Dinah’s wallet chain? I know it makes her look tough, but in close-quarters combat I’m just grabbing that and yanking her around. [Laughs] You know, at a certain point it just gets annoying when you’re fighting dudes all day and you keep losing your wallet, misplacing your license. She’s over it. She’s a very practical, smart girl. 

TVLINE | Whats the team’s next move against Adrian Chase? He just whacked the WITSEC guys and is now in the wind…. 

They’re on it. They’re on it. He’s in the wind, but something tells me that Team Arrow will find a way. They want to get him, and I hope that they do. 

TVLINE | There’s been talk that the next episode (airing Wednesday, April 26) could just as well be titled, “Team Arrow vs. Team Felicity.” Talk about that a bit. How does that conflict manifest itself? 

Felicity has a lot of really good ideas, and I think that she might want to exercise them — regardless of what the team thinks. Felicity is always helping out, she’s always doing what the team wants and she’s always a team player, but sometimes we have differences in opinion. She’s extremely intelligent, so… 

TVLINE | Is this about Team Arrow and Felicity and the Helix kids having different ideas about how to get Adrian?

It does involve all of that, yeah. But it’s more than that. Helix is definitely involved in Felicity’s approach to how she thinks we can best catch Adrian Chase. 

TVLINE | In photos, Helix is all uniformed up, Felicity herself has on a fetch cap…. Will there be a physical skirmish, or more a war of minds? 

It’s going to be a bit of everything, because we have the whole physical aspect, where we’re obviously going to be fighting, while Helix is more into mental games. It’s going to be interesting. There are a lot of layers to the conflict. 

TVLINE | And what can you tell me about the season finale? I heard Marc [Guggenheim] say it doesn’t even take place in Star City.

It does not. And it is epic. It is so much bigger than I thought, than I imagined it would be. It’s just amazing. When I read it, it almost felt like doing a film. It’s really exciting. 

TVLINE | Does Dinah get to bust out any new moves? Are there any “firsts” for you as an actress over these last few episodes? 

Yeah, there actually are! She’s coming into her own. She’s getting stronger, she’s getting better. 

TVLINE | Katie Cassidy Arrow Season 6 Katie Cassidy Siren of course is due back by season’s end, and will be a regular for Season 6. Safe to say we’re fated for a Black Canary/Black Siren face-off at some point? 

I actually don’t know if a face-off is in store, but that would be epic! 

TVLINE | Lastly, how do you feel your reception from the fans has been? They can be a pretty particular bunch, and yet I actually feel like they’re OK with you — which often can be the highest praise. 

They are, they really are. They’ve been incredibly welcoming and accepting…. I didn’t know what to expect after I found out what this job was, because it was bigger than I realized. The fact that they have been so gracious has been a blessing, because this goes back a long time, this story and these characters. They’ve been wonderful.

[cielospeaks]

things that couldve happened in allegrofaceverse that never did (aka you fucked up and never will get to see these following things)

-andante. just andante in general.

-aka count von walsegg the allegroface. aka like the embodiment of the culprit from detective conan. aka simultaneously best and worst boy. youll never get to see him being an asshole, not that hed really get to be one bc of the “hes an allegroface he must be the nicest person ever(tm) uvu”.

-and raedna. youll never get to see literal sweeney todd the andreaface. youll never get her angsty melodramatic operatic backstory which youd probably just dismiss bc it could be solved easily (thats the point of tragedy shithead), youll never get her trying to be caring towards these idiot kids she meets.

-and for that matter youll never get kanna or an or andies arcs either. youll never get to see andie try and reconcile w ana, realize who he is and that he is still a kind boy like the cousin she knows. youll never get to see an grow up. youll never get to see kanna take a chill pill.

-not that anyone wanted any of that. if they arent shagging your characters or becoming their living accessories they didnt give a damn.

-youll never get hamlet allegro. the shakespearian actor whos a teenager prodigy but is typecasted into old man roles and hates it, even if he does act like an old man.

-youll never get furry diso allegro whos got like a bird glider and flirts with everyone

-youll never get alledrea bc she was outright banned. youll never get the weird hodgepodge self proclaimed phantom thief whos basically the megavolt of the crew.

-youll never get ana having feelings for someone. youll never get disaster bird playing a boom box outside some fancy persons window, youll never get him learning to not hate those from that city just bc a couple people from it are assholes.

-youll never get anyone being happy. and its your DAMN FAULT~!!~!!@!$FWAEFWcx IN CANON VIRELAI AND ANDANTINE WILL NEVER FIND THAT PEACE WITH THEIR PASTS. ANDANTINE WILL FOREVER AGONIZE OVER THE GUILT BECAUSE NONE OF YOU FUCKERS WOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID. AND BECAUSE IT DOESNT CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED SHELL TAKE ON ALL THE GUILT ALONE. YOULL NEVER SEE VIRELAI AT PEACE WITH HIMSELF. HELL ALWAYS BLAME HIMSELF FOR ALLEGRO GETTING HURT. HELL NEVER IN CANON BE ABLE TO ESCAPE IT. HELL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE THESE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS IN CANON. HELL ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE WHOS ABUSED HIM AND MANIPULATED HIM FOLLOWING HIM AROUND AND NOT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

ok thats out of the way. youll never get to see the parts where segno isnt an angsty shitty movie character and when he becomes a conan esque spy. youll never get to see him like that. youll never get to see him relax and act his age and not like an old world weary man. youll never get to see rina smile.

[bridgetgscanlon]

Hodgepodge of pics: You do you, Cam! Muffin date with my biggest boy. Obsessed with the stroller board and luckily so is Cam 👍🏻 Baking banana bread for our neighbors (who just had a baby boy aka a best bud for Ben) . Mornings with two. Daddy snuggles. Love Bennett's chubby cheeks 💙

[hug-me-hard-so-i-dont-forget-you]

It’s A Tag Game A word or phrase that makes you happy: Catch you on the flipside, surreptitiousness, hodgepodge A trope that you enjoy: Anything love/hate, FWB to relationship, fake dating A character that you identify with: Mae from Night in the Woods or Velma Dinkley from Scooby-Doo Instrument you play or would like to learn to play: I can only do like 2 songs on piano so I wanna learn more. I've also always wanted to play guitar and drums. Do you slow down at a yellow light or speed up: If I’m pissed or in a hurry I'll speed up. Are you colorblind: No Can you do a cartwheel: I could do them half-assed when I was younger. I haven't tried since so I have no idea. Paired socks or mismatch: It's easier and more fun to mismatch them. Do you like coffee: I love coffee but I have both an anxiety disorder and a heart problem so I can't drink it very often. Do you like tea: I'm definitely a tea drinker. I have like 7 different types of tea bags in my kitchen rn. And my go-to drink in a restaurant is iced tea: sweetened, unsweetened, raspberry, lemon, peach. I love them all. Song stuck in your head recently: Off and on all week I've had Bad At Love by Halsey in my head. That, and Whiskey In Hell by Anarbor. Song you can never remember the words to: Rap God by Eminem and It Wasn't Me by Shaggy Any life hacks you want to share: Put a glass of water in the microwave when reheating pizza, shave your legs with hair conditioner, make ice cubes out of the same beverage you're drinking so it doesn't get watered down, put clear nail polish on rips in pantyhose so it doesn't make a run A show you really like old or new: 2 Broke Girls, Friends, Will and Grace, Black Mirror, Star Trek Do you have a fav: Ethan Nestor aka Crankgameplays What country are you from: The US, and I'm not particularly proud of it. Something you love doing: Writing, blogging, watching youtube, long car rides and singing loudly with the windows down, traveling, reading, photo/video editing, having existential conversations late at night Best scent in your opinion: Camp fires, pine trees, lilac, old books, rain, and oddly enough, scotch tape Any irrational fears: I'm super claustrophobic and afraid of being in situations where I can't breathe, so I'm terrified of being burried alive, trapped underwater, or anything where I slowly suffocate. Paste whatever you copied last:  "I recently dyed my hair and now my entire shower/bathtub, fingernails, and scalp are stained blue." Best memory you have: I can't think of anything specific but I love the nights where my friends and I would get together, play board games, and laugh our asses off at literally anything. Strangest moment of your life so far: Well there was the time when a 15 year old boy (I was 21 at the time) really creepily hit on me in a coffee shop. He sat at my table and told me all this info about himself and kept asking me really personal questions. He asked for my number and I politely declined and he held his head in his hands and kept asking, "Is it cuz I look 12??" Like, no kid! It's cuz you're a minor and creepy as fuck. The worst part was a couple weeks later when he spotted me at the library and asked if he knew me. I lied and said no and he just stood behind me and watched as I used the computer for like 15 minutes. Then his female friend showed up and I had to listen to him awkwardly ask her to the dance. When she said she had a bf he got really angry and started cussing her out and calling her bf all sorts of names. I got tf out of there while he was distracted. Alright folks! The rules are: Send to as many or as few people as you want Pass on any questions you don’t want to answer Add questions you would like to see answered If you don’t want to participate that’s totally cool (no explanation needed) Have fun

[hammondcast]

Jon Hammond Show 0902

#WATCHMOVIE HERE: Jon Hammond Show 0902 Jon's archive https://archive.org/details/JonHammondShow0902 Youtube https://youtu.be/IMCz4snnqN0 Vimeo https://vimeo.com/231510769 Stand 523 Summer NAMM Head Phone Funk Tune - Jon Hammond at the Hammond XK-5 System Organ model 3300W Leslie Speaker, Joe Berger guitar, Chuggy Carter percussion, Robby Robinson sitting in with the boys - Photo by: Stuart Robertson - Special thanks Steve Simmons and Steven Eaklor Hammond Organ USA Suzuki Musical Instruments#HammondOrgan #NAMMShow #HeadPhone #Funk Identifier Stand523SummerNAMMHeadPhoneFunkTune Scanner Internet Archive HTML5 Uploader 1.6.3 Language English by Jon Hammond Usage Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Topics #Hammond Organ, Head Phone, Suzuki Musical Instruments, Jon Hammond, Robby Robinson, Chuggy Carter, Nashville, #Funk #WATCHMOVIE HERE: Harry Shearer Interview With Jon Hammond Jon's archive https://archive.org/details/HarryShearerInterviewWithJonHammond Youtube https://youtu.be/MByRDtzWZB4 Vimeo https://vimeo.com/231223997 Nashville Tennessee -- Harry Shearer Interview with Jon Hammond just before Harry accepted the American Eagle Award along with Crystal Gayle and Patti Smith from the US National Music Council during Summer NAMM Show - for broadcast on Jon Hammond Show on MNN TV Channel 1 in Manhattan - Harry's Wiki https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Shearer "Harry Julius Shearer (born December 23, 1943) is an American actor, voice actor, comedian, writer, musician, author, radio host, director and producer. He is known for his long-running roles on The Simpsons, his work on Saturday Night Live, the comedy band Spinal Tap and his radio program Le Show. Born in Los Angeles, California, Shearer began his career as a child actor. From 1969 to 1976, Shearer was a member of The Credibility Gap, a radio comedy group. Following the breakup of the group, Shearer co-wrote the film Real Life with Albert Brooks and started writing for Martin Mull's television series Fernwood 2 Night. He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live on two occasions, between 1979–80, and 1984–85. Shearer co-created, co-wrote and co-starred in the 1984 film This Is Spinal Tap, a satirical rockumentary, which became a cult hit. In 1989, Shearer joined the cast of The Simpsons; he provides voices for numerous characters, including Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert and more. Shearer has appeared in several films, including A Mighty Wind and The Truman Show, has directed two, Teddy Bears' Picnic and The Big Uneasy, and has written three books. Since 1983, Shearer has been the host of the public radio comedy/music program Le Show, a hodgepodge of satirical news commentary, music, and sketch comedy. Shearer has won a Primetime Emmy Award, has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in the radio category, and has received several other Emmy and Grammy Award nominations. He has been married to singer-songwriter Judith Owen since 1993. He is currently "artist in residence" at Loyola University, New Orleans. Shearer was born December 23, 1943 in Los Angeles, the son of Dora Warren (née Kohn) (d. 2008), a bookkeeper, and Mack Shearer.[2] His parents were Jewish immigrants from Austria and Poland.[3][4] Starting when Shearer was four years old, he had a piano teacher whose daughter worked as a child actress. The piano teacher later decided to make a career change and become a children's agent, as she knew people in the business through her daughter's work. The teacher asked Shearer's parents for permission to take him to an audition. Several months later, she called Shearer's parents and told them that she had gotten Shearer an audition for the radio show The Jack Benny Program. Shearer received the role when he was seven years old.[5] He described Jack Benny as "very warm and approachable [...] He was a guy who dug the idea of other people on the show getting laughs, which sort of spoiled me for other people in comedy."[6] Shearer said in an interview that one person who "took him under his wing" and was one of his best friends during his early days in show business was voice actor Mel Blanc, who voiced many animated characters, including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Barney Rubble.[7] Shearer made his film debut in the 1953 film Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, in which he only had a small part. Later that year, he made his first big film performance in The Robe.[6] Throughout his childhood and teenage years he worked in television, film, and radio.[6] In 1957, Shearer played the precursor to the Eddie Haskell character in the pilot episode of the television series Leave It to Beaver. After the filming, Shearer's parents said they did not want him to be a regular in a series. Instead they wanted him to just do occasional work so that he could have a normal childhood. Shearer and his parents made the decision not to accept the role in the series if it was picked up by a television network...Cont... Jon Hammond Show LATE RENT Theme Song - annual Musikmesse Session in Jazzkeller Hofheim - swinging funky jazz and blues as seen on cable TV in New York City for 34 years every late Friday night The Jon Hammond Show - featuring Peter Klohmann the tenor saxophonist, Giovanni Totò Gulino the drummer, Joe Berger aka The Berger-Meister is the guitaris and Jon Hammond at the Sk1 Hammond organ + bass - special thanks Konrad Neupert, Bille Zurück for cooking the beautiful food for us, Alex & Phillip the sound men and the whole Jazzkeller Hofheim Team in Hofheim am Taunus - we'll be back next year! - Jon Hammond & Band - "Musikmesses-Session mit Jon Hammond Fr 07. April 2017" -- Schon traditionell findet bei uns zur Frankfurter Musikmesse ein Treffen hochkarätiger Musiker statt. Wie auch in den vergangenen Jahren ist der aus New York stammende Orgelspieler Jon Hammond, mit Joe Berger „Berger-meister“, Giovanni Gulino und weiteren Überraschungsgästen, angesagt. Im Spiel geht Jon Hammond absolut in seiner Musik und seiner Leidenschaft für den guten alten Hammond-Sound auf. Mit 18 Jahren kaufte er sich seine erste Hammond B3 und tourte mit der Rockband Hades im Vorprogramm von Tower Of Power oder Michael Bloomfield. Ein regelrechter Genießer: Seinen Kopf wiegt er ständig von einer Seite zur anderen. Die linke Hand ersetzt größtenteils den Part eines Bassisten, zusätzlich zu den verschiedenen Klangfarben, die er manuell justiert. Die Musiker, die die Jon Hammond Show auf der Bühne komplettieren sind Joe Berger und Giovanni Gulino. Der Gitarrist Joe Berger gleicht einem Saiten-Hasardeur. Er spielte bereits mit Who-Bassist John Entwistle und sorgte in dessen Band für den Studio-Mix. Giovanni Gulino ziseliert an den Becken, setzt genaue Akzente auf der Fußtrommel und spielt leichte, luftige Melodien auf der Snare. Jon Hammond – Orgel Joe Berger „Berger-meister“ – Gitarre Giovanni Totò Gulino – Schlagzeug Peter Klohmann - saxofon http://www.jonhammondband.com Late Rent Späte Miete Producer Jon Hammond Language English Usage Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 The Hammond M3 Speaks again! spcl. thanks Paul Patterson - according to the serial number this is a 1960 unit: 139443 1960 66 Jerry Miller 139818 1960 33 Michael Kern 140148 1960 33 Rick Prevallet 140640 1960 100 Henning Hojen, Denmark 141018 1960 100 Dan Albrecht 141294 1960 100 Jeremy Symons (UK) 141493 1960 100 Lorraine Yasinski 141630 1960 100% Alan D. Quilley " Language English by Jon Hammond Publication date 2017-08-28 Usage Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Identifier JonHammondShow0902 Scanner Internet Archive HTML5 Uploader 1.6.3 Funky Jazz, Cable access TV, Podcast, Harry Shearer, Head Phone, Manhattan Neighborhood Network, Hammond Organ, Frankfurt musikmesse, Jazzkeller Hofheim, Late Rent, #HammondOrgan #MNNTV #HammondCast

[ataleoftwosuites-blog]

Florence and Rome

Hello friends!!!

So it’s been forever since I’ve written one of these. Sorry about that!

Alright where to begin. Classes have started. I’m actually really enjoying coding (most of the time, sometimes it makes me want to smash my face into the keyboard…) and we’ve done a ton already. Makes sense since we have class for four hours Monday through Thursday. It’s a lot. However, I freaking love the teacher. His sense of humor is snarky and dry (aka exactly like mine). It’s wonderful. I am the only one who finds his jokes and dry comments funny though. He’s just such a lovely person: super helpful, funny, he calls us ‘Jimmies’ (his name is Jim) and its adorable. He’s started giving people wacky nicknames and my new goal for summer is to earn one.

We went to Rome this weekend and that was an Experience. Let’s do the negatives and then the positives of what made this a capital ‘E’ Experience. For starters, corralling 35 college kids who are always, ALWAYS, late it just impossible. It takes us forever to get anywhere, and I feel awful for the five teachers attempting to shepherd us from historical landmark to historical landmark. We were there for three days and walked from 9-5 every day. My feet no longer feel like they are attached to my body. Also, to add to the Experience, the metro went on strike Friday, which happened to be our biggest-distance-to-travel-from-point-to-point day. We walked over ten miles all over the city that day, as well as spent hours standing in museums and churches. To heighten that Experience, Rome is somewhere between the temperature of the surface of the sun and hell. And humid. So, so, so painfully humid. Every day ended with us tired and sticky and just blech. Then the things we say. Lots of beautiful churches that we were herded through at top speeds only to stop and spend twenty minutes in front of one spot and then speed by the rest of it. Same with the museums. We were in the Borghese gallery for two hours. One hour in front of two separate art pieces, and one hour to explore the entire rest of the museum. How generous of them.

I will be going back to Rome by myself sometime, because we went, we saw, and we skipped the inside of the Colosseum, the Vatican, the Vatican Museum, the Spanish Steps, St Peter’s Basilica, and the City Hall. You might ask, But Rachel, that is everything one might want to see in Rome, and you friend would be correct. We went to a lot of old churches that weren’t super interesting on their own and a contemporary art museum that I could definitely have skipped. Like really, really not my thing. We also stopped some places just to talk about architecture. You might think we did this in the Pantheon or when we were in front of the Colosseum. Wrong! We wandered to the outskirts of Rome to talk about a building that was built for an Olympic games and is now a concert hall and restaurant. Very exciting…

Now, the cherry on top, the best of the best, it’s the HOTEL!!!! Definitely was a palace at one point and was converted. It’s absolutely beautiful and completely useless for anything other than nice photos. My room had no hot water and was unable to receive the wifi signal. And when I mean no hot water, I mean my showers weren’t freezing, but they were definitely colder than lukewarm. We spoke to the front desk about both and were given a vague ‘it’s a really old building????’ answer. It was lovely.

Ok, so now the good things. We did get to see the Pantheon, and the architecture teacher didn’t drone on and on in his quiet, little monotone voice so that was awesome! Pantheon plus no architecture lecture. My friend group tried to find the gelato place my parents both told me to go to because it was the best they had in Rome, but I don’t think we ever found it. The place we went to was nice, but probably no memorable enough for my parents to tell me about that specific place from 13 years ago. Will search again when I go back to Rome. We saw the outside of the Colosseum, even if we didn’t go in for some odd reason. The teachers also just didn’t warn us, so I nearly had a heart attack when we turned the corner and suddenly the skyline was filled with the Colosseum.

Then, the Borghese Gallery. First, some backstory. Let’s go back 13 years, to when Rachel was seven, tiny, and just as nerdy as she is now. Her parents had just returned from Italy, a trip they did not bring her on, which she was very angry about, in her little seven-year-old way. Her mom sat her down with a photo album though, and told her about everything, and how she had to go when she was older. Rachel fell in love with this fascinating place called Italy that was filled with ice cream, art, and pasta. It kinda sounded like heaven to her. And Mom spent forever telling her about one thing in particular: the statue of Apollo and Daphne by Bernini. How beautiful it was, how much she would love it. Little Rachel decided that moment that she would see that statue someday. She dreamed about that statue for years, always telling herself she would see it. Now, fast-forward and its present day. Much taller Rachel is tired and about to listen to one of the classmates she doesn’t like drone on and on about a work of art. She grabs a museum map in French as a souvenir though, (they were out of the English ones) and she is casually perusing it. Suddenly, she sees it. La Chambre d’Appolin e Dafne. Cue heart stopping, lung emptying shock.

So somehow I hadn’t realized that statue was in that museum and that we were going that day. I kinda freaked out a little bit. One of the presentations was actually on that statue, and I immediately decided I was going to tune out everything they said and just experience. I was kinda bummed that the first time I got to see the statue I had been dreaming about for 13 years would be shared with other people. I wanted it to be something for me. What if I didn’t like it and was crushed? What if it was just okay? What if I burst into tears because it was everything I had been dreaming of? (I may have been feeling a smidge dramatic). But off we went, a giant horde of college students. And then we were there. And the statue was beautiful. And I may have teared up a little and stopped paying attention to everything around me. And my friend may have asked if I was alright because I was looking at it with eyes the size of saucers. I was not alright, in case you were wondering.

We went and looked at another Bernini statue, just as incredible afterwards, and then we were set loose in the museum. I immediately went back to the Apollo and Daphne. My luck was actually in my favor, because the room was empty. I spent a good five minutes with just me and that statue. It was wonderful and magical and I don’t know who Bernini made his sacrifices to for that kind of talent, but I want to know. Then I wandered the museum for a little, and discovered something horrible. When you have just seen the most beautiful work of art ever created by man, every other work of art looks meh. So I circled the museum and saw everything, and then went back to the statue. Then down to the gift shop, because I wanted a bookmark or something to remember that exact day. Its not often that you pull a Rapunzel and complete a dream. There were no bookmarks, but there were this beautiful pair of earrings. Three leaves hanging in a row and the perfect reminder of that stature, with Daphne’s fingers ending in exquisitely thin marble leaves.

Another wonderful thing from that day (it was such a good day in the end, despite the metro closures and intense walking) was that one of my friends here had an hour long conversation with me about books while people were shopping. And then people came to fetch us because they were ready to go, and they got absorbed into the book conversation. It was magical and exactly the kind of bonding I like to experience. Long story short, I recommended Illuminae to someone who loves science fiction, and was told by the original friend that he was coming to me for all his book recommendations from now on. One of the best compliments I have received, beside the one guy who told me he liked my fashion sense. That was pretty flattering. Especially since I was trying out my new really dark purple lipstick. But that’s a different story. Anyways, that whole thing was really fun, and then at dinner that night we were laughing so hard and much that my cheek was starting to cramp. We had to walk an hour back to the hotel that night, which was less than ideal, but since it was also one in the morning, we had a very deep and interesting conversation on the way back.

Last positive thing of the Rome trip: the contemporary museum that wasn’t really my thing. So I was pretty freaking exhausted as was Amanda, so we were basically hopping from bench to bench pretending to look at art and just chatting. Which was pretty nice in itself. And then, we ran into the others from our group. But this happened when we were inside this weird house installation thing with a window and center room with a hallway. We were in the hallway, and looking into the center room. I did not know you could get into the center room, but you definitely could, because Ethan suddenly popped into the window and scared the living daylights out of Seulgee and I. That boy could have played Puck in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream with the amount of mischief he gets up to. But the next exhibit ended up being this weird interactive hodgepodge of stuff and we ran around like five year olds playing on the museum exhibits. Then we saw a really odd dancing tree and projection performance art piece, and then we went for food (because by this point we were starving).

Now I am back in Florence, and I never thought I would be so glad to be in my tiny apartment kitchen. Nor did I think I would have missed Florence’s brand of summer heat. Because no matter how hot and humid it is here, it’s nothing compared to Rome. Absolutely nothing. Also, hot water was really nice! I missed having warm showers. I think that concludes this ridiculously long blog post. I would say I’m going to try to post more frequently, but our midterm reviews are coming up, so that would probably be a lie. Love you guys and hope you are having an absolute blast in Spain still!!!