#ahem anyway i'm in my feelings for no reason lmao

[pjs-everyday]

"ah! loid, we have guests waiting in the other room!" >>> "so?" 😇

[bellaturner]

Hi! I am loving the writings at the moment! I was wondering if you could write something where reader is dating Alex and also an interviewer and she has to interview him. So its all flirty and if their relationship isn’t public yet Alex constantly nearly gives it away.

I just kinda had the thought and thought it would be cute and I have no time to write atm and honestly you could probably write it better anyway lmao

Alex sat across the sofa from you, and you attempted to maintain a professional demeanor despite the playful tension in the room.

"So, mister Turner," you began, but before you could continue, he playfully interrupted.

"Oh, you sound so sexy calling me 'mister'," he teased with a mischievous grin.

You couldn't help but roll your eyes at his antics. "Come on, Alex," you said, raising your hands to your face in mock annoyance. "I'm trying to do my job here," you sighed, a hint of amusement in your voice.

"Sorry, babe," he apologize, but moved his hand up your thigh at the same time "I'll behave myself," he promised at the same time he fixed his sunglasses on his face.

"Al, please," you asked, once again, "I'm gonna get fired if you don't cooperate." you were practically begging this time.

"Sure, love," he said, removing his hand from you. "Ask your questions, but i'm gonna fuck you so hard after we get home." he winked at you.

You took a deep breath, attempting to regain your focus. Your boyfriend's flirtatious behavior was undeniably distracting, but you needed to continue the interview professionally. "Ahem," you cleared your throat and made another attempt. "So, Mr. Turner," you said, maintaining direct eye contact, "your band's latest album is titled 'The Car'." You pointed out this fact, well aware of the answer to the upcoming question. "Could you enlighten us on the reason behind that choice?" You asked, attempting to appear genuinely curious, though you suspected you weren't doing a great job of it.

You had been actively involved in the entire album composition process. You'd even assisted Alex, your boyfriend, and the rest of the band in brainstorming some of the song titles. You were aware that certain songs were inspired by your relationship, which added an extra layer of complexity to your professional life.

"Well," Alex began, avoiding direct eye contact with you, "we wanted it to have that perfect 'road trip' sound, you know?" he explained, trying to maintain a casual tone.

"Interesting choice," you responded, a sense of frustration creeping into your voice. You were beginning to feel exasperated with the interview, and you hadn't even reached the halfway point yet.

You decided to press on with the interview, determined to maintain your professionalism despite Alex's distractions. "I see what you mean," you replied, shifting your focus back to the questions. "The album definitely has a vibrant, on-the-road feel to it. Can you tell us more about the creative process behind it?"

Alex leaned back in his seat, appearing more relaxed as he delved into the band's creative journey. He began to share insights into their writing sessions and the stories behind some of the songs. You listened intently, trying to keep the conversation on track.

As the interview continued, you couldn't help but notice the way Alex's foot subtly brushed against your leg under the table. It sent a jolt of excitement through you, but you had to remain composed.

Throughout the interview, Alex managed to toe the line between playful banter and professional discussion. It was both exhilarating and maddening, knowing that he was purposely teasing you while you had to maintain your facade on camera.

As the interview was getting near the end, you couldn't help but exchange a subtle glance with Alex. It was a silent acknowledgment of the playful dance you'd been engaged in throughout the conversation. He smirked ever so slightly, and you knew he was eager to continue this game behind closed doors.

You wrapped up the interview with a final question about the band's upcoming tour, and Alex provided a thoughtful response.

This would be a tough one to edit - the viewers were none the wiser about your romantic involvement - but you were proud of your ability to mostly maintain your professionalism.

Once the cameras stopped rolling, Alex wasted no time. He leaned in closer, his arms trailing your body and his lips dangerously close to your ear. "You were amazing, babe," he whispered huskily, sending shivers down your spine.

"Thanks," you replied, your voice trembling with desire. "Are you taking me home now?" You asked, turning to pack your handbag.

"Oh no, cutie pie, I'm having you bent over the very table you were using to interview me." He said calmed, collected and demanding, getting out of his seat and towering you.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hihiiii 💕

Felt like doing this one today, it's been long forgotten on my askbox, sorry, my love.

I hope you enjoy it anyway ❤️ (it was wrote while I has high on sleep meds and not prof read)

Lmk if you'd like to be tagged in my posts s2

As always, love you 💕

~ Bella

[prince-liest]

swerving shows for a second lol but what's your favorite thing about the blitzo and stolas dynamic in helluva boss? since most of your helluva boss reblogs seem to feature them 👀

LMAO, actually, currently I love them both individually as characters but their dynamic makes me want to bludgeon Blitz over the head with an aluminum baseball bat until I've beaten the proverbial dents out of his skull. I'm mostly enjoying it from a hurt/comfort perspective because I like mutual pining emotional whump, but that's only because I firmly believe that Blitz is going to get his shit together eventually and they'll get some kind of satisfying resolution.

That said, my sympathy for Blitz himself at this point is running criminally low. I love him! I think he's super funny! I get his traumas! I'm still going to bake him into a pie and leave him for the crows if 'Apology Tour' is going to be about Stolas somehow having to make things up to Blitz rather than the other way around, because from my perspective, Stolas is kind of socially incompetent for really obvious reasons but consistently trying so damn hard to be a nice and decent person, and meanwhile Blitz not only has a history of actively taking advantage of his feelings but also allowing his trauma to cause him to directly push people away even though he should know better by now. Have you not learned your lesson about not properly visiting people in hospitals, Blitz? DID YOU NOT HAVE AN EPISODE FULL OF REVELATIONS ABOUT THIS TOPIC SPECIFICALLY?

Ahem. Anyways. Yes. Lot of... feelings.

[therealcocoshady]

heyy girl, how you doin?? hope all good! I just saw your post saying your asks disappeared and if you do take requests I would like to send u one (cuz I already sent u and idk if it disappeared too lol🙈)

ahem, anywaay.. SO, imagine, 2000s!em x fem reader, where reader is a famous popstar and marshall mentions her in one of his songs and it’s basically a diss, since he doesn’t like pop/popstars, but he didn’t really expect her to drop a diss back, he didn’t actually expect her to say all that kind of shit, because she has a very painful tongue, and em was kinda taken aback by that.

so, it’s an award show, and she gets to perform there, and she literally performs that diss at the opening, just before em gets announced as the winner of the best male video (just like 2002 VMAs) and reader is the one to announce him, and she too says something snarky-ish about him like xtina.

you can continue from then, but preferably not cliché ending. it’s not necessary for them to kiss yk, like it would be so cliché. maybe sort of teasing, like chemistry between them, but def not kiss. honestly, you decide. I just want to see an award show in details, like em’s reaction after she performs her diss and basically makes fun of him in front of the whole world and all the celebs sitting there, through her song, his reaction after she announces him as the winner, his reaction after her comments. and if you can come up with some lyrics for her song please, please, please do it! but it’s totally fine if you can’t/won’t.

if u actually write this one, pleasee write in second person pov (I know most of ur fics are written in this way if not all anyway, but still lmao🥲)

so yeah, that’s basically it. I’m obsessed with your writing btw, it’s amazing. no, but for real, you are one of the very few em writers that portray reader accurately. I literally cringe at some and most of the fics I read abt him, cuz the reader is always either a typical pick me barbie or a tomboy that hates girlies, and you actually know how to write a perfect reader. I LOVEEE you sm💕💕

Hi ✨ Thank you so much for requesting this and taking the time to submit it again after the mysterious Ask disappearance ❤️.

I really enjoy your request but I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline, for the time being... I'm so sorry ! 😔 I do love that you're being very specific, but I think the level of detail would honestly require a mini-series. 😅 Or at least, I wouldn't be able to do it any other way... As you probably have figured out by now, I am virtually unable to keep my writing short and sweet, and if I wrote it, it would either take months, or I wouldn't do a great job and ruin your idea altogether...

I'm still taking requests, but between Kinktober, Recovery and Commissions, I have a lot going on at the moment, so I'll probably favor requests that allow for a shorter format and/or can be part of the mini-series we have going already (Kinktober series included because why not).

So, for that reason, feel free to submit your request (which is amazing by the way) to another writer ✨. And they do write it, please send me the link because I'll definitely enjoy reading this ! 👀

Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the huge compliment about my writing ✨. You have no idea how much it means to me ! To be fair, writing a Reader insert is super challenging because you want to write someone who is personable, that people will identify to, but it's also really hard not to go for something cliché and/or make the Reader some version of you (the author). It's been one of my biggest fears and insecurities and reading your compliment definitely made me happy ❤️.

I'm sending you tons of love and, again, I am so sorry that I had to decline your request. I hope you understand ❤️

[an-obsessed-cactus]

I think i may be asexual?!

(okay this got longer than expected and i wanted to stop talking cuz ppl won't read it if it's so long and then i realized I'm not here to please anybody and i just wanna process some stuff so. yeah. also i come to realizations farther down that contradict some stuff from the beginning but I'll just leave my whole thought process here)

fun. um. I've realized I'm not straight two years ago and then started learning more about all things LGBT related and think myself educated enough on this topic but.

I've been pondering my sexuality and gender identity again more in recent days and. today i randomly stumbled across a yt video where the author (are you an author on yt? my brain is glitching rn)(also the 'author' in question is @jaidenanimationsofficial wonderful videos love the animation and the humor) talks about being aroace. few hours pass, my stomach hurts like hell so i go to lay down and sleep a bit, wake up and have a realization.

i googled again what asexuality is and read some more on this. i did this before and i guess i didn't see myself in it? so i kinda crossed it off the list of possible identities. i guess because i do want to have sex. i think. I'm not opposed to it and i get horny lmao. but that's only with fictional characters and works? like i just think: that was very sexy of you. but in a platonic way?! sex doesn't cross my mind. (also can you get aroused by music? or a good written work? or movie? like not even the characters but the work itself?) sorry i dunno I'm confused.

anyway i got a bit off track. what i wanted to say was that i suddenly remembered a convo i had with my sister a while ago where we talked about what is the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship. and she said it's that u wanna have sex with them and i was like ... i don't really think that's it...

and like. i get crushes i think. but I've never experienced this want to have sex with a particular person at least that i could remember. like a want to have sex? i guess yeah i mean not rlly sth i think about much but it's not unprecedented(see: i get horny)

honestly I'm not even sure anymore if im not aromantic as well. cuz queerplatonic sounds more like my jam?

like i felt(feel?) like omnisexual described me well because i think I'd be attracted to who the person is at their core. what if ur straight as a girl, date a boy, and then it turns out he's trans? i dunno i feel like gender isn't this fixed thing which then kinda creates problems when labeling urself with a certain sexuality. aaaa people came irl and i lost my train of thought. um. i feel like labeling myself anything other than omnisexual would feel limiting. even if i never developed a crush on a girl for example (i did), i still feel like i could potentially. like there's nothing stopping me. why shouldn't I?

OKAY SO

that was written yesterday. it is now today and i have a whole lot of new thoughts and realizations.

I had a bit of a marathon with @jaidenanimationsofficial videos and i came across an older one she mentioned in the previous one i watched about being aroace(ik it's a mess) about how she couldn't understand why when romantic feelings are not mutual people don't just continue being friends. and i was like EXACTLY WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! and um. ahem. do u really see it as a problem? I guess if everyone does. but I'm starting to seriously consider if I'm aroace as well which woah there. this happened in a span of a day and I'm not sure it's real and it doesn't feel real? some time will have to pass for me to check out this theory cuz. ppl often say they felt like there was sth wrong with them and then they discovered these terms and were like aHA that's it! that explains everything! and I didn't... have that? and I'm not sure to what extent i identify with aroace because reasons(ill talk about some of it below). and I'm not saying that not having this realization moment or not feeling like sth is wrong with me through my life devalidates my orientation and stuff but it makes me doubt i guess?

i also came to an important discovery that aroused and horny are not the same. who would have thought?! I said above i get horny but apparently being horny means to want to have sex. and i just get the physical part aka arousal. fun. someone help pls im so confused.

okay for the last part(which prolly won't be the last part but one can hope right?)

i said i realized i wasn't straight two years ago. that was when i realized i like my best friend as more than i friend. well it wasn't exactly that simple. tbh i think Lucifer(the series i am NOT a satanist) helped a lot with that? like i knew about some lgbt stuff before because I'm alive on this planet but it kinda made me think about a lot of stuff, and between that stuff was my sexuality as well. idk. it's not like i had a crush on any of the female characters. just got me thinking for some reason. like why is having sex with people you're not romantically involved with wrong? why is prostitution wrong if u enjoy it and get money for it and it's well managed and secure? but that's beside the point.

well anyway I didn't know what i felt towards my bff(I'll say bff cuz bf also stands for boyfriend so it feels weird) but it felt like more than friendship. didn't feel like sth romantic tho. then i discovered queerplatonic relationships exist and i was like i think that's it! and then new school year came i saw her again and doubts flared up. again there was never i wanna have sex with her, but there was an occasional i wanna kiss her. and she was so important to me so it has to be romantic love right?! romance is the highest form of love one can experience afterall! nothing whatsoever can compare to it!! it feels ✨magical✨ when you find you will finally be completed!!! anyways.

it felt like romantic love was the only thing that could justify me feeling this way. i won't go deeper into this because i already have a draft where i do(i have like 16 drafts with uncompleted rambles so...) I'll try to post it but. i told her and we're still good friends! it actually made me closer to the rest of my friend group(which i was only a part of on the paper before)(i was so focused on my bff before I didn't really do group) because i felt a bit distanced from her for a while(she's a people pleaser like me and even tho i think i can read her well im paranoid and i thought she may feel weird?). anyways i got close with 3 other amazing ppl in the meantime and my friendship with my bff hasn't suffered!

but between my feelings being kinda realized and me telling her a whole year has passed and in the end i wasn't even sure what i was feeling anymore just that i didn't want her not to know. idk.

now im wondering what it was. even back then half year pre confession i was thinking if it was just because someone was finally paying attention to me. i didn't really do friends before (i kinda had them but there were no deep convos or shared secrets) and then there was suddenly this person who genuinely enjoys spending time with me! and listens to my problems! and weird obsessions! this sounds kinda sad put like this ngl lmao. but this was the first time I had that deep connection with someone. two years in my confused feelings came. geez i got off track again. point is i thought i was straight up until then and then had a crisis cuz i thought i only liked her cuz she was giving me attention cuz i was straight goddamit! ANYWAYS.

this post has lost all direction. it is a frustrated ramble of a very confused person. let us continue

i will just sum up how i feel about genders and people because I'm a chronic oversharer. oops doops.

men: find them aesthetically pleasing, all celebrity crushes are in this category (there's only one really but if i found a celebrity attractive like not objectively but to me it was a man), i would also get kinda crushes on boys my age when i spent 5 minutes with them. don't ask. i think it's dopamine mining(i suspect i have adhd). im not used to male company and i kinda don't like it that much but the the ?butterflies? are still there. tbh i don't really know what to do with men. doesn't stop me from having crushes tho. i don't have any real desire to be in a romantic relationship with men. i don't exclude the possibility but i haven't found one i would want it with. i also don't know now to interact with them. let alone flirt. actually flirt in general. it feels like it would be cringe and belongs in bad movies.

women: freaking amazing!! love them! no celebrity crushes, one irl crush which might have moved beyond crush(i suspected the L word for a while) to friends or it might have never been a crush in the first place! help! now there's another friend outside of my friend group who i may like. or i just enjoy her company? im not used to this yet. i forgot i think im aroace. this is killing me.

nonbinary/other genders: I haven't met any yet. there are some on discord servers im a part of but I don't really interact much just lurk there. i think irl experience would be different anyway.

someone please explain sth to me. you have sexual attraction okay get that(not really but that's not the point). but then there's romantic attraction. how do you separate that from friendship? just this intense feelings of wanting to be with them at all times? okay myb myb let's say u can separate them from friendship. what about queerplatonic? guys??

i am starting to dislike labels. this is confusing.

also i gotta figure this romantic thing out cuz im writing a fantasy series and there's romance involved lol.

okay so i guess i am at least asexual cuz i don't see ppl and go 'i wanna have sex with them'. i am not yet thoroughly convinced im aromantic as well but we'll see about that ig. because i still don't understand what the difference between romance and deep friendship is. aghhh

although if i can't tell the difference myb that answers the question.

also how does someone who is asexual but romantically attracted to all genders label themselves? like omnisexual ig doesn't work cuz it omnisexual.

i went to google aromantic and.

"demiromantic people have romantic attraction only after forming an emotional bond with another person."

HOW ELSE DO YOU HAVE ROMANTIC ATTRACTION??? Isn't this about who the person is?! Do you just see them and go: oh this must be such a good person. what?

like i understand sexual attraction when you see someone ig. but romantic? i really need someone to explain this to me in depth. i haven't even been asking the right questions.

"Quoiromantic people can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attractions." Welp i guess i have a new label i can stick on myself. also the name is killing me. (quoi=what in french💀)

(edit: well this thing just posted itself. I DIDN'T HIT POST WTF. but it's out there now. ig it had enough of me adding new and new thoughts. im inclined to agree)

[destiny-in-the-universe]

I have ideas. Fuck

I honestly just wanted to talk about two different alternate universes I've come up with and genuinely, I can't get enough of it right now- but because I've barely talked about one of these, I figured this would be a fun way to continue! (and the other one's new, but we're going to talk about it anyway-)

Fair warning! This post is going to get a bit long!

Internverse / Intern! Randy

So, for anyone who isn't already aware of this idea- it follows an alternate take on canon because why the fuck not, where Viceroy enacts a new plan to capture the Ninja. The plan is to use an internship program in order to have one of the students reveal the Ninja's identity- as Randy's poor luck would have it, he is accepted as an intern by almost cartoon logic (except for the fact he does know math and excels in it-). Unfortunately for him, he has to ride out the internship or risk revealing himself to McFist and Viceroy- at some point, things start connecting and we'll see what happens after that!

This is the most lighthearted it will ever get with my AU's (although this one was inspired from another creator!), because even my MLP AU is an angsty little bitch

The deal with intern! Randy is it's mostly my excuse to explore on a slightly more serious but fairly tame and soft outlook on the series- also because McFist and Viceroy should've had more screen-time with Randy as a civilian, it's just fucking hilarious to me- (and yk, mentor-mentee type thing with Viceroy, no I will not explain /lh). I feel this au might honestly be an actual identity reveal since neither McFist and Viceroy know he's a teenager (like yes they technically know in canon, but also this is my fic and what i say goes /lh).

Though, I'm going to cover an arrangement of headcanons and general infodumping for intern! Randy because now I'm hooked, oopsie lmao

Randy is a math prodigy! Does this have any true canon basis to it? No- but I'm going to write it anyway hahah, also just- you can't tell me he isn't extremely talented in music (though that's not as relevant)

His parents are extremely absent in his life- he has issues with other people trying to parent him because of this. In his eyes, they're going to leave him eventually except for the Weinerman's, they're practically family but he's also worried about being a constant nusiance

In no way do McFist and Viceroy know that the Ninja is a teenager- Viceroy's the only one who has made the connection that the Ninja likely changes but hasn't quite reached the thought of them being a teenager because that would be ridiculous

Howard isn't a very used character in this, but he still appears nonetheless- he's not an easy character for me to write, but unfortunately my tengu! Howard fic doesn't really count hahaha

McFist and Viceroy have Something going on but it's not romantic! Unless McFist wasn't married to Marci- then that's another can of worms, but we're not doing that here

Bash and Randy might honestly become friends because I said so,

I like to think the Sorcerer isn't a heavily major character in this, and simply stays in the background- not because he got defeated, but genuinely I just don't consider him important. I don't think he'd notice anything strange about Randy either

Randy is inattentive ADHD! I also have ADHD and so, he will be written with my mannerisms more than likely- one of his hyperfixations is video games and I'm still trying to decide what the other is. He also has RSD for ahems- reasons, you will find out why soon!

Randy is going to be staying at the manor with the McFist family because well, why not-

And then we have the new au! It doesn't currently have a name- other than the fact it's literally just an age/role-swap AU!

More specifically, we have a switch between Randy and Finja, as well as "Plop Plop"/Hinata and Howard- it's been done before I think, but honestly I'm hopping on the train as well!

General Role Swap Infodump

Randy and the First Ninja trade places (obviously-). Randy's clan fought monsters in general, yokai who were a threat to Norrisville and other lands- until the Sorcerer came into being. In the end, Randy was the last one standing - forced to bear witness to what was a literal massacre killing of his entire clan - and decided he would find a way to trap the Sorcerer into a prison of his own design. With the help of a magical artifact, he did manage to do this. A few years went by and he continued protecting Norrisville- until he was unfortunately cursed (or something, i haven't quite figured it out yet-) and bound to the Nomicon

On the other hand, we have the First Ninja (who's name is not being revealed yet-); set in a more modern timeline, debating if it's the same as Randy's or current time period- the First Ninja comes from quite a big family (he has eight siblings, but they're not all the same age!) and is attending Norrisville High School. He's kind of like a feral cat- he isn't too fond of making friends and the only one who puts up with his nonsense is Hinata, his best friend

Over the summer, First Ninja was chosen to be the Ninja- he manages to keep it hidden and unlike Randy, he doesn't go blabbing about it in his writing assignment. He takes his responsibility seriously, even if he isn't necessarily eager to have gotten the role

At first, he and Randy don't meet- it's either going to be an episode adjacent to the 13th Century Ninja, or it's going to be something entirely original! I honestly think Finja is likely skeptical of Randy's teaching methods but eventually they start bonding and things take an interesting turn after that

As for Howard, I don't think he's simply the guardian of the temple- He's bound to the tengu spirit and is quite literally immortal. He exists both within the Nomicon and outside of it, but he is essentially Attack Dog privileges. No, I will not explain right now-

Finja has extremely short patience. He's prone to sarcastic fits and would rather do Literally Anything Else, but he understands that the Nomicon chose him-

Uh, the Norisu clan run their own dojos and whatnot because I said so but like, with Finja's siblings- they've all mastered their own elements and due to self indulgent bullshit, I can elaborate more on this but in a separate post. Let's just say there's more to this AU, that's all I'm going to mention right now. I'm fixating hard and it is a problem

I don't have more to add for this AU right now- other than Hinata likely won't be controlled by the tengu? I'm not entirely sure right now because this idea might as well have come to me in a dream hahah

I hope you enjoyed! More will come eventually!

[twisted-wonderland-shenanigans]

Hehehe I'm glad you like my asks - I'm probably gonna send in more while I have WiFi lmao

Kaiju cuddles for the win! If Cater is a fluffy moth I'd love hiding in the moth floof hehe

In the case of Yuu encountering different packs/groups of Kaiju is it a case of each pack baby-sits/is entrusted with the 'hatchlings', or Yuu and Grim stumble out of the arms of one group and directly into the arms of another, or even everyone practically playing a game of 'oi, no, mine!' and trying to sneak the cute little things away from one-another

Yay! More asks means more worldbuilding opportunities and creating chances to move the plot along~!

Vil might have the softest feathers, but Cater has the softest floof! 12/10, would take a nap in the floof~!

For the most part, it's a mix of both of those. In the beginning when Yuu was trying to figure out what's going on, get away from Crowley's watchful eye, and find any other humans (Grim followed along because he didn't want to be alone with the giant corvid-lizard and he liked feeling taller than something not that he wasn't concerned for their safety), they stumbled upon the first two packs in the middle of a territorial dispute.

Naturally, Riddle has a specific rule about not fighting when hatchlings are around, and given that Yuu and Grim both smell like hatchlings due to the serum...well, let's just say that there is a huge reason you don't want to be on the receiving end of a kaiju who is part plant and can generate spores that cause various effects--namely, paralysis and sleep.

......wait, did I unconsciously make him a monster-sized version of Shaymin/a grass type Pokemon when I was imagining what everyone was?! o.o;

Ahem! Anyway, one thing led to another and eventually Crowley and Crewel will assign each pack to guard the tiny human and their companion, which may or may not result in shenanigans and chaos and just a tiny human figuring out how to climb each monster. It does become a bit of a "I'm only watching you to avoid the bird nagging us", but the moment one of the other packs intrude on their territory to get the tiny ones Lilia it becomes a "Hey!!! Get back here, they're ours!!! ROAR!!!! >:V"

Don't worry though, eventually they'll find a way to get along...once they have a common goal anyway. >v>;

I'll be working out how each kaiju pack is met once I do "Yuu's first night/day with an overprotective crow-dad and dog-dad" 😂

[partynoobvanii]

Small Important Update :

Hello there! It's Ethanvanii here, posting a small update cause I've been inactive on Tumblr lately, and I wanted to clean stuff up.

I will be on a break now, I won't be online so much and I'll be working on homework, and other art projects/series.

Where i have been in life 📣

So far, i have been behind on homework, so much that the homework line on my computer is RED. And not completed, behind even. But yeah, aside from that.. Life has been a bit boring and honestly sad. I've been worried for my online son, Ryker since they have been going through a lot of mood swings, terrible shit happening to them and all. I hope they'll try to stay safe and healthy while I'm gone for a bit.

About Sickpants Lullaby ☎

As you can see, Sickpants Lullaby has been on hiatus for like... I dunno... SINCE LIKE OCTOBER... But the question is, WHY was it on hiatus?

Homework aside, the reason why i haven't worked on it was because of my motivation dying down for the series, without Cobalt/Natt here... I feel very unmotivated to work on it at the moment, he is my beautiful and silly online son, he is like a whole ray of sunshine even. It was fun to hang out with him, before he left to China... I'm honestly lucky to have him in my horrible ass life. Not having him here can be really lonely honestly, even he had that problem while working on Parodies College House (A Spongebob Parodies Fangame he made) To the point he had to put it on hiatus till Benjamin and Juan were back. (Since they are needed, cause they're voice actors in that. And also cause of the fact Cobalt misses them.)

HOWEVER....

Not to worry, cause Sickpants Lullaby will continue once he comes back! Hopefully, if I don't get art block...

ALSO...

Please do NOT slide into my DMS just to ask me when I'm gonna work on Sickpants Lullaby, or if im working on a drawing of your character. It just makes it annoying and makes me not wanna complete it anymore, I hope you understand that.

Another mention though, I have a second reason for having no motivation for working on Sickpants Lullaby as i used to.

The second reason why Sickpants Lullaby is on Hiatus ☎

The SECOND reason why the series is on hiatus, is just because I've been working on another series which is called "Ethan's Void Life (EVL for short)" more. I've lost some interest in working on Sickpants Lullaby now that Cobalt/Natt is gone, it just doesn't feel the same anymore without him... I don't feel the same joy i get while drawing Sickpants Lullaby frames for my audience as i used to.........

....But besides that, look at the bright side. At least i get a break from the Internet for a bit..? Yes, I'll be checking my Tumblr Inbox in a while, just in case to answer questions.

Anyways, time for more fun stuff.

NEW INTERESTS!! YIPPEEE- 📣

So far, I've gotten around.... Well I don't know, 3 INTERESTS?? MAYBE EVEN 5???

But yeah, I'll try my best to remember most despite my poor memory.

1. PHIGHTING! (Roblox Game)

2. Item Asylum (Also Roblox Game)

3. Guts & Blackpowder. Again, another roblox game. But this time Cobalt got me into it in the first place. I don't regret playing it.

4. Regretevator.... HOLSLSYY FUCKKKK I LOVE THIS GAME 😭😭 IT'S THE WHOLE REASON WHY MY TUMBLR USER IS NAMED AFTER PARTYNOOB NOW 💔💔💔

Stimming aside, it's a pretty cool and fun game. I liked the voice acting, fun stages, and the characters are pretty creative to be honest!

5. Dayshift At Freddy's. Despite the... Ahem... Problematic parts due to it being made in like 2018.... It's a really goofy and silly game! I honestly love it despite me still trying to get all the way to DSAF 3... DSAF 1 was a pain in the ass to play, hopefully I'll skip it and just see if DSAF 2 is easier. (Because my dumbass can't press the springlocks fast enough in the first game lmao, but don't worry i still love the game anyways)

6. Dialtown. Made by the same creator of DSAF. I really enjoyed Dialtown honestly, the dialogue, the story, and the characters! They even added some phone guy characters from DSAF into it. Maybe as a Easter egg? I don't know. Either way Dialtown was still fun. Not to mention the creator is really nice, bless their heart. :)

Interests i MIGHT stream 📣

1. PHIGHTING

NO. As much as i love it, i am ass at playing on computer, I'll most likely make a video of me playing it on phone instead of streaming.

2. Item Asylum

Possible? I haven't tested it on computer for lag, so it's a maybe for now....

3. Guts & Blackpowd-

NO. I've tested it on my laptop before, believe me. It's laggy for my small ass laptop. I'll be posting videos of me playing it on mobile instead, thank you very much... It may be less laggy on your laptop, but mine? Nah.

4. Regretevator

Yes. It's still fun either way if i die to lag, one death isn't gonna hurt my soul. ^_^

5. Dayshift at Freddy's

Maybe?? It's if I DON'T GET SPRINGLOCKED A BUNCH OF TIMES DUE TO FAILING... but yeah, it is possible, I'll be streaming myself watching DSAF 1 gameplay on youtube, and then the next streams will be me playing DSAF 2 and DSAF 3 (that's IF they don't springlock me again... It sucks tbh but it's still a loveable game)

6. Dialtown

Yes! Though I'll have to add some warnings before people watch it, since i don't want my viewers getting uncomfortable due to the themes in it.

Thats all for now, I hope the news up there was useful.

No, not the interests, the Sickpants Lullaby part.

Anyways, bye for real! :3

[billygoat26]

I REMEMBER WHAT I WANTED TO RANT ABOUT ON FRIDAY NOW!!!

SO- *ahem* Gather around children! (make sure you're mature tho...)

Anyways, uh- so me and my friends took the rice purity test during history class (our teacher don't do SHIT in there... says it's a "modern learning class" but that's a story for another day)

I got a score of 92, one of my friends got a score a bit below 50, and the only other one who I know the score of got a 94 (He gave me a shocked/concerned look when I said my score was 92 lmao)

Time skip to walking to the buses (we were still talking about the rice purity test scores), he just decided to tell me one of the things he picked-

so for context-ish to the part after I tell you what he said: my feelings for him are complicated as FUCK... I still can't figure out if I just see him as a really fucking good friend or if I actually do like him- might be the second one because I swear sometimes I can feel my face burning SO much (particularly during/after an IB picnic thingy a few weeks ago... it had been hot out and I knew my face would just be red because of it so I was safe then. Now? Hahaaaaaaa not so much)

Anyways, he said that he had picked the one that starts with an "m" and rhymes with "probation"

My dirty ass mind- after we parted ways of course- would go HAYWIRE with that info...

But before that, I got to tell him the reason I picked two of the options (had to do with kisses on the lips and by "kissed by a non-family member" I think it was)

Soooooo you guys get to hear it too! Sorry :D (this is as close to exact as I remember telling him so... enjoy)

Back in elementary school, we were doing a little chorus concert thingy at a retirement home. After one of our songs finished (or the full performance, I don't remember), one of the old ladies (I swear she was like- mid 70's) came up to me, complimented our performance, then before I walked back to my friends she legit kissed me FULL on the lips... (it was slimy and I was weirded out but had to be nice...)

So after telling my friend that he just burst out laughing (I didn't even get to finish the story) and said something like "so you had your first kiss with an old lady" or something similar while laughing still

Anyyyyywayyyys, time skip to me getting off the bus and walking home, my brain started going haywire with the prior info that I had been told and it. would. not. leave. my. mind.

I felt so fucking pathetic and gross even thinking about it, weirded out by myself, yet my stupid fucking brain just kept thinking about it and I was suddenly so glad I didn't tell him the one that I picked (I won't weird y'all out more than I already have by telling you) and started imagining how he might have reacted if I did. (My brain loves to make up scenarios)

BUT- I didn't get to rant about this on Friday cuz my mom had left for her afternoon shift late and saw me and told me to get in the car. (She was in a good mood lol)

That's all :D

Sorry that this was so... second hand embarrassment-ly weird I'm sure. But heyyyy had to get it off of my chest before school technically-today!

[summercourtship]

Um… hi Kyra! Be prepared bcs this will be a long one…

So, I finished KCU about four months ago, and let me just say that I think it’s a masterpiece, everything about it is perfect, one part in particular that I loved was how relatable the reader was (Believe it when I say it, it is HARD to do that, especially when you don’t know WHO is reading) I could definitely see myself doing exactly what she was doing! I loved how possessive Kylo Ren was and how he as also extremely conflicted about the reader herself, you managed to portray his turmoil really well! A part that BROKE me was when Leia was talking about how he got his soulmate phrase… Damn… you’re telling me this kid, that already thought of himself as a monster, was super happy that he HAD a soulmate, because that was a confirmation that he could be good and be loved unconditionally by someone, only to have his hopes CRUSHED when HIS MOTHER read to him what it said???!!!! DAAAANNGGG GIRL!!! You woke up and chose violence!!!!

But anyway, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get… ahem… if you’re comfortable… AND ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE… (if not, ignore this part all together) I wanted to know if you have plans to continue it, i have been searching in your profile (stalking) for a reason why you stopped(not that i am obligated to have one!!) and the only thing i could find was that you stoped writing for KCU was bcs you felt that people wanted to end in a certain way and you didn’t (I could be wrong btw it has been a long time since I saw it) and that’s so sad! BUT I am really happy with the chapters we have! I love re-reading them! In the end you should put yourself first, if it’s not making you happy then you should not stress about it!

Also… if you don’t have any plans for it… I think it would be really cool if showed some BTS! I saw the other ask saying the same thing about STBOTDI (amazing fic btw) and i thought “hey it would be pretty neat if she did it for KCU too!” so if you’re feeling generous, feed this starving woman?

Anyway! thanks for listening to my rant! Thats all Folks

oh, kingdom come undone, my beloved. thank you so much for your kind words- it's been a while since I've looked back on KCU. I'm pretty sure I cackled when planning the part with Kylo's soulmark and the revelation about how it appeared because it's so sad lmao.

I do have plans to continue it, eventually. I want to go back and edit earlier chapters (and truly EDIT them, like overhaul level of editing) because I want to put it back on track to the vision I had for it originally. A big part of why I kinda fell out of love with writing it is because I felt like there was going to be a lot of people upset that I didn't make "Ben Solo" happen because fuck that shit, I like Kylo Ren bc he's a piece of shit who is sad sometimes not because he's an uwu soft baby who made a lil mistake.

But also, I started writing it in a really hard time- I had been dealing with extreme isolation due to both COVID and some things that happened with my friend group that ended up separating me from them (I had my family and I'm very grateful but there were months before I returned home from my college apartment because I wanted to be independent and believed it wasn't that bad and ended up just... not coping well with that, I'm afraid). I started planning KCU when I was in Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral and was writing it while dealing with extreme anxiety and depression combined with the struggles of being on different medications. So, while I do hold KCU in my heart and I love it, I do view it as a time capsule and know that I was writing it to distract myself from and cope with the shit I was dealing with. All of that makes it hard for me to go back to it because it feels very vulnerable, even if it doesn't come through in the text. I don't know if that makes sense.

BUT yes, I would love to one day go back, give it some TLC, and finally finish it for you all. I don't know if I have any BTS I could share right now because I really want to sit down with it and fix it, but once I'm comfortable with the state it is in, I will share.

Thank you so much. <3

[her-satanic-wiles]

honestly that one day was the only time i profoundly regretted having the best level in the whole advanced english class. like the teacher would always call on me when nobody has the right answer and when she asked me for the meaning of 'throbbing' i just squeaked out the tiniest 'i don't know' lmfaoo (my teacher was a huge slayer fan tho so she's good)

also idk why but i very much think brits have the best accent out of all the native english speakers, like it brings so much more flavour to the insults than the others for some reason

but yeah anyway i just dropped out of art school and now your fic is making me consider picking translation back up lmao thank you for the inspiration, it's beautifully written and i really love how much care you put into the specifics of ancient languages and history, and i'm already extremely invested in the plot (and the smut like i love your portrayal of copia as a while and in the smut scenes, not to mention this week has me drowning in horniness for the rat man so yk) all i've got to say is that cardi c definitely get the very official 'homme capable' title like forget 'i need him biblically' i need him in a luciferian way fr

-the french anon from earlier

Bruuuuuuuh - I would have been so uncomfortable with the whole throbbing aspect that's such a weird word to fixate on because I feel like it's only used in... specific... ways. 💀

Ahem.

One thing I love that the Brits can do, (including all of the UK for this one) is that we can turn any noun into an insult just by adding "absolute" in front of it. "You absolute pastry." "You absolute toothbrush." Etc. Etc. But that's more of a language thing than an accent thing. But it is fun.

Also, thank you for your kind words about my fic! It was really fun to write and learn about the history side of things and everything. I love me a bit of research. 💀💀 I'm so happy that you appreciated it! I'm so excited to release the next few parts as well!

I need Copia in a demonic, fucking on the ceiling way.

Although, I am absolutely obsessed with Evil!Copia, I do love writing Soft!Copia. Him's a sweetie.

[altschmerzes]

yes yes yes it was O !!! I forgot to sign off in all my excitement !!!!

But I was catching up on your blog and ARE YOU OKAY? It sounds like you’ve been having a rough time of it recently and I’m really sorry to hear that :( sending you big massive giant humongous hug !!!!! If you ever need to vent or anything I’m about !!!!

Also I forgot to respond to your response to my other ask and I was reading the tags — pls never feel pressure to leave a comment on my fics, I don’t expect it at all!!! It is just SUCH a joy getting to share little bits and discuss with you <3

— O

i'm like!!! i wouldn't say i'm GOOD now but i'm Gonna Be okay. tuesday was absolute garbage nose to tail, until the episode lmao, and i didn't realize how much it was still affecting me yesterday too until i had kind of a 'maybe there's a reason the shitty sports game you're watching is like, legit upsetting you' moment. but yknow, it'll pass, and things will even out.

IT HELPS THAT AS I TYPE THIS MY TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS WENT UP 6-1 IN THEIR SECOND PLAYOFF GAME OF THE YEAR. whoof. okay. good. cool. i'm calm again. sorry for sports, this game is Happening A Lot.

anyways. ahem. it's been a bad week with some exceptions (went to an excellent mountain goats concert! did SURVIVE my finals!) and i keep getting stuck on how brutally unfair the whole. thing is, but bad weeks pass and yknow, i've had worse weeks and my survival rate for them so far is 100% which is encouraging.

and yeah of course re: commenting, it's something i WANT to do!! i enjoy leaving comments on things, particularly when i know the people who wrote them. it's hard to remember to find the time, or to find the time when i do remember, but i enjoy it and it's important to me!

[birbfeeder2artisticboogaloo]

thousand autumns donghua, episode 10~

(just realised that the old man is called '晏无师' like 'yan….without master'??? is this??? his actual NAME or?? bc i feel as tho this wouldn't be terribly auspicious?? and parents wouldn't be happy if the name were suggested to them, would they?? so could it be a second name? an alias?? another title??? i wonder if shen qiao has got a courtesy name?? maybe he just doesn't like it lol. NAMES ARE. VERY CONFUSING. i like them a lot bUT THEY CONFUSE ME ;A;) ANYWAY ahhh chang'an looks like a very nice place!! pretty treessss omg ;A; OH FUCK THE OLD MAN'S SPOUTING POETRY 😳 HELP I'M HAVING AN EMOTION 😵 yws: heyyyy u should hang out with meee, want this flower?? shen qiao: no :/ new friend unlocked!! yuwen qing!! and his concubine yuzi!! wonder why he brought her along?? she cute tho ;A; BAI RONG TAKE A FUCKING HINT CHALLENGE. NOBODY LIKES U. GO HOME >:V lol the old man is beating this lass and somehow i'm on HIS side lol, what has my life come to?? 😩 it's THE CHAIN GANG. THEY'RE A GANG. OF CHAINS 🔗🔗🔗 bai rong: UR A BIG MEANIE. i told on u and shizun sent big tough guys >:( yws: *yawn* i'm too old for this shit. it's past my bedtime. xiao se??? and who might U be?? that's a nice fan. made of knives 👀 i'm so glad they're taking the time to quibble about sect matters like this while shen qiao sits in his cart and yuwen qing tries desperately to carry his gf away from danger THE SUBTITLES HAVE 'QI' ROMANISED AS 'CHI' AND I DON'T LIKE IT, IT'S CONFUSING ;A; shen qiao's got the shillelagh, everyone back UP!!! WHACK EM, SHEN QIAO!! GIVE HIM A GOOD WHACK!! >:V i love these martial arts sequences so much ;A; OH NO IT'S THE WHITE LADY!!! nobody likes U either, missy, so sod off unless u intend to kill bai rong 😤 xiao se: SHIMEI HELP MEEEE ;A; bai rong: *running away in the bg* OH SNAP. SNARED HIM LIKE A FISH ON A SPEAR 🐟 lol yan wushi tormenting his victims before killing them is very funny, for some reason. he's like the 'chasing u down the corridor' meme lol OH NO WAS HE STRUCK??? damn i can't believe she got a hit on him ;A; she didn't even face him in honourable combat, what a coward 😒 yws: *happy smile* OH A-QIAO!! COME HAVE TEA WITH MEEEE :D shen qiao: ….there was an assassination attempt yws: soooo is that a yes? :D '我们家阿峤' SIR U ARE IN PUBLIC!! UR JUST!!! SAYING THIS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!! WTF yws: where are u going?? :((( is it something i said?? :((( shen qiao is the best, he cares about the fate of missing handmaidens even tho nobody else does ;A; ALSO he's fucking BLIND, and still it's HIM who goes looking for her?? nobody else can be bothered?? these fecking ppl lol white ladyyyy, the old man was just returning ur needle!!! why are u mad??? 'if u want somebody to love, u can love me :D' exCUSE ME shen qiao: if SHE'S not good enough for me, what makes u think U are?? >:( lmao roastedddd got emmmm!! 🤣🤣🤣 OOH A TOWN!!! look at the cute shops!! look at the cute lanterns!! look at the cute re-used character models!! :DDD ....aaaand the old man's disappeared again! i like to think he jumped onto the passing cart and rode away with it 🤣 shen qiao does a tiny smile bc he's CHARMED by these antics now lol BAI RONG??? UR BACK??? i love this donghua but the pacing is WACK in places tbh 😅 ohhh that shen qiao, always trying to believe the best in everyone.....….even the tart who keeps trying to kill him 😌 bai rong: tee hee ur so cute when u smile~~ shen qiao: do not touch me :) her outfit is fire tho!! cute shoes!!!!! idk what they're talking about rn. sometimes the subtitles are very cryptic. im just gonna nod and smile 😊 is she is she trying to WARN him?? was that a WARNING from bai rong?????? that's so weird o_O wait who is OH OH IT'S RUYUAN KEHUI OH DAMN HE IS WOW HE'S UH gOODNESS HE'S CERTAINLY ahem. he's. inch resting. what a voice 😳😳😳 OH HERE'S THE OLD MAN. TO CHASE AWAY SHEN QIAO'S SUITORS!! wait they're going to fight why are they going to what ok shen qiao is used to ppl constantly fighting over him i guess it's probably not very shocking anymore smh poor shen qiao 😔

[weabooweedwitch]

I feel weird as fuck commenting on your situation in any capacity because I'm just an online rando who doesn't know you personally or the details of your issues w/ your mom beyond what you post and it all just feels a lil too parasocial but even though alleged therapist anon raises some (potentially?) good points about your relationship w/ her and maybe overall emotional issues I don't think you should beat yourself up too hard. It's normal for trauma survivors such as yourself to have some unhealthy and toxic interpersonal habits (slightly side-eyeing alleged therapist for not at least acknowledging this instead of just going in on you). You're not perfect, your mom is not perfect, it's okay we're all imperfect beings on this planet we call earth. Whether or not you're a covert narcissist (not gonna lie I had to google that one lmao) is between you and a personal, ahem, real therapist. Maybe you have some emotional dysregulation issues okay so what? Those can be improved!

Fun story about this online rando I was actually diagnosed with moderate to severe BPD at age 18. It turns out this was kind of a misdiagnosis in the first place, but my symptomatology (namely RSD from neurodiversity) very closely mimicked that of BPD and I had a lot of emotional problems perhaps similar to your own. You mentioned doing a round of DBT when you were a teenager and not finding success, but according to my actual real therapist and personal experiences it's very common for DBT to need multiple rounds before the skills fully sink in. It's also way better doing DBT as a fully formed adult than a teenager who frankly, probably doesn't take their mental health nearly as seriously as they should lmao (this crazy girl shit gets less and less cute with age I'm telling you). I'm now 23 and after 3 rounds of DBT I'm told I don't meet the criteria for borderline personality at all and haven't for a while now. Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma around this disorder (I noticed therapist anon throwing the word 'manipulative' around a bit), but that doesn't mean it's actually true. In many ways BPD is the modern day hysteria, but I won't go down that rabbit hole, just don't pay attention to what ignorant and oftentimes lowkey misogynistic people have to say online about BPD or other mental disorder! They are stupid armchair diagnoses who 99% of the time don't know wtf they're even talking about. You are loveable and worthy of life <3

I slept after work and i have a few asks now so, I'm gonna start this discussion again but since I uh, can get overwhelmed and over emotional I might eventually disappear from answering if u need to step back, but, anyways

One thing I have to be careful about is automatically leaning into "oh maybe they aren't even a real therapist" and I even got an ask suggesting this was one of those bitch lasagna people who were trying to actively make me miserable, which, I don't think is the case, but I also have to be careful automatically discrediting or lashing out emotionally at criticism because, well, a big problem I've always had is not being able to trust my own judgment and needing feedback from other people, stemming I assume from self loathing and anxiety stuff and I technically already am diagnosed with dependent personality disorder which, lack of self trust is a symptom of that (I'm sure I've mentioned that but maybe not?). One reason i began venting online when i was younger was because I would often have these sorts of incidents with my mother and I would use my blogs as the equivalent of an "am I the asshole" forum. I try to have a discussion and hearing other people's perspectives is good, and, a big issue I've struggled with is my mom immediately trying to get personal or discredit other people when they try to criticize her. Like, this isn't me going "see, my therapist thinks she's a stupid bitch" I mean when i was a minor she would literally go from absolutely loving a therapist and thinking they're extremely talented and caring and then when I got mad and repeated things like "hey you know, this is a licensed medical professional saying that a big component of our mother daughter dynamic is that you will literally wear me down to do what you want and you make it extremely difficult for me to set boundaries" and she has, literally, gone "they shouldn't be talking to you about me like that, I'm your parent, oh they just believe you because they've only listened to you, not me"

Well. I had multiple therapy sessions where, sometimes the topic would be dealing with my sister, or because I often feel like I struggle to bring up everything from not remembering, there WERE multiple times she would come into a session with me just to add on behaviors she's seen in me and things we've dealt with with my sister, and I had therapists tell me "yeah let's not have your mom come in here, she kept actually venting about her own issues and she was literally taking over your session and she was actually talking over you"

And im not, saying that to "prove" my mom is shitty or to say "oh look see, im justified" but like. My anger has built up over time? This didn't just magically start happening?

Yeah I need to stop blowing up over smaller things but also at the same time, I think I have a right to be frustrated when I'm seeing the same mistakes over and over, at least the ones that can financially damaging? I'm still SHOCKED she just stopped randomly paying the garage because. The remote isn't working and we have to use the keypad and I think some of the keypad buttons are loosening so sometimes you have to stand there and try it a few times because sometimes it won't close, it'll "untouch" a button you're still holding down and start opening again. And her response to that was "oh they weren't getting back to my emails so I just stopped paying rent" like. She. She literally dug us a hole worth hundreds of dollars for.... feeling entitled to help and getting mad over not getting it? She's been doing these sorts of behaviors for years? (Rm for post length)

Like gee I wonder what would happen if she pulled that shit with our landlord. "Oh, im gonna stop paying rent because the exhaust fan in the bathroom doesn't work" like no???? Why is she doing these things???? I was literally raised in poverty, why is she still doing this after we've had a literal lifetime of hardships???? Like gee thanks for not paying rent when you had solid income and now you're unemployed with hundreds of dollars due, that definitely helps, thanks, that's so much better, what a wise decision 🙄 and I call her out on it and she like, she literally sees nothing wrong with what she did? Because they didn't immediately cater to her, she stopped paying rent in protest, and that's Their fault. Like. That's fucking delusional. What if the property management tells our landlord we aren't paying for the garage and we get evicted??? Like it feels like she doesn't even realize the consequences???

Anyways back to what you actually said, fjfjfjf I rambled there, one thing I've noticed about DBT from the few times I was inpatient and outpatient is. You really do have to be in the right headspace for it to even work. It's so weird because certain things they would talk about and I would go "yeah well obviously, thats common sense" and other things would, kine of create an epiphany. Like for example, a phrase I try to keep with me is "its a process not an event" which basically means "don't get frustrated at immediate growth or results, things can take time" and this can apply to therapy, medication, really you can apply it to anything, but for me personally often when I am not seeing direct or immediate results, I feel like a failure and might give up way too soon, or beat myself up when I Am showing progress, just slowly.

Another DBT mindfulness technique I actually need to practice more (and tbh this could be an adhd thing, bc, I've always had focusing issues and I've read adhd can actually cause emotional regulation issues as well) is, like. When someone is speaking to you, don't be sitting there thinking of your reply, like, literally sitting there waiting for the second they stop speaking to say what you want, because then you're not thinking about and absorbing what the other person is saying. Although in my case often times I find myself doing that because I'm afraid I'll forget what I was gonna say, and my mom could also use a little work in this department

I definitely do think it's time for me to be reassessed though. I feel like now that I'm older and can better articulate my thoughts and memories and how things affect my relationships and ability to function, it can, I dunno, yield more results? Like something I heard constantly as a kid was "oh you have depression and anxiety and a lot of things overlap, let's treat those and see what symptoms are left" and its like homie that's kind of such a bad cop out sometimes, I feel like doctors adopting that mindset in my case really missed some important stuff. Like shit it feels weird to say since the trauma that caused it isn't recent, but I still display PTSD symptoms just in the sense that I'm jumpier and hypervigilant, like if there's an unexpected noise I still physically jump, I get startled easier, just the constant like, urge and need to look towards sounds or survey my surroundings which, I recognize my brain is literally going "hey, keep a look out for DANGER"

Regardless like, me being able to have these discussions with other people, positive or negative, is ultimately for my own benefit. Because this really is a sort of thing I can't do on my own. This IS a thing you take other people's feedbacks and perspectives on. But Jesus like. I'm not saying anyone has to hold my hand but that really felt so personally aggressive and it sent me onto a really horrible mental space. You know sometimes people insult themselves and belittle themselves because they think they're a lowly little worm and they just, they just hate themselves bro, like, it isn't always some inherent attempt to manipulate or demand pity and comfort. I've actually overnormalized saying horrible shit about myself and joking about suicide to the point I say it just, really easily, it comes naturally to me now, and that's definitely another habit I have to break

There's definitely stuff wrong with me, it's just a matter of finding out exactly what and, working towards treating that. It's just, unfortunately going to take some time and I need to make sure I keep my head on straight and don't do anything drastic in a fit of helplessness and despair or anything 😅

[hisgoodgirl666]

8. Something you never did in bed and would love to do?

9. Look around yourself. You are EXTREMELY horny. What unusual object are you using to get off?

12. What’s the weirdest thing that turned you on? Did you masturbate to it? Would you do it again?

8. a lot lmao. as horny and fucked up as my thoughts are, we just keep procrastinating doing/buying things (both adhd lol). like for a while we’ve both been wanting bed restraints for me, also a vibrator (don’t judge me for not having one yet 😭), other toys too. in terms of a specific activity, i keep thinking about my Dom and another guy at the same time 🙈🙈 that’s something ive gone back and forth on a lot purely bc i wonder if my nervousness would let me go through with it, but fuck if i just can’t get it out of my head. idk how possible that’d actually be.

in terms of a specific and totally possible activity, itd be hard/dark cnc. i wanna say no, i wanna try to fight, I wanna plead for him to stop, i wanna hear him groan at my struggling and praise my body/my pussy. i wanna be raped.

9. well if it has to be unusual (ie not the pillows i have nearby) best i can think of is i have this Sour bong that has a single zig-zag in it, and at times when it's been in my lap ive kinda almost absent-mindedly rubbed up against where it zags. i dont have anything nearby that'd be great in the penetrative sense, and rubbing is better anyway.

12. hmmm for some reason it's really hard for me to qualify what's "weird" since it's so subjective you know? and i'm pretty open on here as it is lol.

i guess one thing that comes to mind from recent thoughts at least is just strapped-to-gyno-chair type stuff? forced exams, forced orgasms, raped by the doctor. stepdad or even just mom's bf "supervising" girl's restrained gyno exam and the doctor is showing and telling him stuff and also remarking at what a perfect little pussy she has and talking about her like she's not there and stuff and stepdad starts jacking off as he's watching and then the doctor casually offers for him to fuck her while she's strapped down since he's the authority figure or wtv and deserves her first and when he's done then the doctor also rapes her ass while she's still strapped down supine and she can't help but cum and squirt while he's fucking her ass and she's just confused bc she doesn't want it but it feels so good and she's crying but they're just comforting her and telling her how good she's being adn

ahem. anyway. i think that covers it enough lmao. btw i've had a couple 🥴 and if it wasn't clear yes i've masturbated to that and would/will again lol.

thanks for the ask! this is a fun set of questions hehe

[dawnmore]

a friday, march 8, 2024

sooooo why do i have a feeling that this diary is gonna have such a big turn

i don't feel the same way for jay ar anymore, and i think i've kinda gave up on ever fixing things between us, wala na akong plano ayusin pa

bap finally admitted to me that he likes trixy, i still jokingly flirt with him from time to time but i don't really think anything's gonna happen

jj is officially now my *just* guy best friend. i don't feel kilig anymore, i don't asa on anything just like before, i'm not delulu anymore thinking that he might have a thing for me

lorenz though is a different species

but he's not the topic

angeline hapin is the topic.

today was the day i came home from our school's camping trip

boy was it a disaster

but before i tell you that, let me tell you about the days prior to today...

a little context is that lately, me and angge have been really close and have been spending a lot of time with each other compared to before

we even gala'd after school one time with lorraine, where we went to buy milk tea tapos may twenty sa ilalim ng bakal, hindi sila nagdalawang isip sungkitin with a suklay. habang tinataas ni angge yung bakal, inaabot ni lorraine yung twenty with a suklay

anyways yeah, me and angge have been close lately

ahem-

monday, march 4, 2024

the day of our thesis defense

not much happened, just me assisting angge while she changed clothes

and having her sit on my lap while she play my billiards game, her immediately getting off once she won- like she realized something and was flustered

tuesday, march 5, 2024

today i was supposed to go grocery shopping with aljhorie and my other tent-mates(?) to buy some snacks for ourselves. but that didn't happen, forgot the reason why lmao

but i still umuwi ng late kasi i wanted na isundo ako ni kem and he wasn't replying so i kept waiting

while that, me and angge were sitting at the back, only a few people were left in the classroom because we didn't really have class, just practice for the camping

nagbabaliw-baliw siya sa kilig dahil dun sa manliligaw niya, tumitili, sumasandal/higa sakin, just being oaoaoa, while she shows me her phone, displaying a facebook story of him looking pogi and wearing something formal,

everyone left in the classroom was looking at her judgementally because of how wild she was being

she gave me a tour of his account, his post, his pictures

after watching a shirtless video of him i asked angge if she wasn't uncomfortable with him posting himself shirtless on the internet

she quickly replied that no, she wasn't. but then told me that she has talked to him about it before.

which is what confused me, because if she has talked to him about it before then it means that she might've not been glad about it, so i don't know why she's acting like it was the most normal thing on earth- because i for one, if my boy was posting himself shirtless i will throw a fucking tantrum

i texted angge that night to remind her na bilhan niya ako nung neckerchief para sa camping

that conversation ended up with me jokingly flirting with her, her flirting back but repeatedly asking me what if she was serious

her saying weird what ifs like: what if gusto kita? what if pinsan ko talaga yun (yung manliligaw niya)

which confused the hell out of me, and that's when i started to take things seriously

taking the conversation to ig to have more privacy, her trying to confess that she likes me, me playing dumb playing it off as a joke

i keep re-reading the conversation, i've almost memorized it like a script by now

wednesday, march 6, 2024

that day, i was nervous to go to school, i didn't know why but the thought of what might happen after last night makes me feel uneasy but also excited at the same time, i was excited to see her, now that i see her in a new light with the new found information

i was getting a lot of attention that day from my classmates, probably because of what I was wearing

sinamahan ko si angge to buy a white board marker because we couldn't find one and she was going to sulat the song for the gsp on the white board.

while we were walking the hall towards the stairs, my crush from prolific biglang lumabas from her classroom as we walking towards it

me and angge were gaying out and i told her how i literally have the fattest crush on her and showed my phone which i had photos of her saved in my gallery

yeaaah maybe that wasn't a good move to do or say to someone who (not yet confirmed) likes me, but hey- it just felt so natural to me because we were feeling the same way about her and we were being so gay that i just felt comfortable

as she bought the marker from the canteen she forgot to bring her money, so i let her borrow mine (note to self: remind angge about her utang one day)

fast forward we're back in our classroom, angge was writing the gsp song on the board, me having loads of energy that i was nagkukulitan with my classmates, went to lea, the boys na dikit ng dikit sakin tapos lumalayo at lumilipat ng upuan because i was feeling self conscious about my interactions with boys ever since the open forum. occasionally being touchy with angge like the clingy little bitch i am and

i gave her the bracelet i was supposed to give jay ar

for me, it symbolizes that i officially over him and that i want to give my heart this time to someone more deserving

the moment i put the bracelet on angeline's wrist, i have made up my mind

forget about jay ar, this time let's focus on someone who fell for me and chose me first