Ford, are you aware your brother has 10 guns hidden around the shack?
Stanley: Shh, don't let Poindexter overhear ya! He's gonna kill me if he finds out-
Stanford: *Walking into the room, preoccupied with a demonic owl chick of some sort that's currently sleeping in his hair.* Ah, Stan, I see you're answering another ask from our blog. What's this one about?
Stanley: N-nothin'! *Switches to another internet tab quick.* Nothin' at all, don't worry about it, it's a question for me. Totally boring.
Stanford: Oh, really? *Raises brow.* Then why did the question start with 'Ford'? You know, my name?
Stanley: Uh...
*Stan glances around and starts to sweat bullets. How best to distract Ford? Then Stan grins. He knows just the trick.*
Stanley: Ya know... a more important question to ask, is... is the Patterson-Gimlin film legit?
Stanford: *A very intense, serious expression carves through his face. It's the face of a man with a strong opinion and just the right amount of ire to defend it, perhaps fueled by years of arguments over this very same exact question; a look akin to what someone on Twitter pulls right before they decide compassion and humanity is overrated, and being right is more important as they begin to rage-smash their keyboard.* Stan, I'm glad you asked. Because I think you're smart enough - and spent enough years as a conman - to know the difference between something real and something faked. The Patterson film is real, and I, Dr. Stanford Filbrick Pines, the world's greatest paranormal scientist and cryptozoologist, will die on this hill.
Stanley: Yes, exactly! *Stan looks relieved that the distraction worked.* Of course I agree. I mean, why wouldn't I? You tell 'em, Ford! Tell the world how legit the Patterson film is. Preferably in a different room than this one with your, uh... *Stan looks at the demonic owl chick sleeping in Ford's hair.* Whatever that is.
Stanford: *Smugly petting said demonic owl chick.* Hm, a better idea would be to utilize our ask blog to educate the populace on supernatural concepts such as this. I always wanted a platform to extend my knowledge to the world. I mean, teaching math to a whale was impressive enough, but imagine the paranormal knowledge I could spread with the power of the internet! *He chuckles.* Bill Nye and Neil DeGrasse Tyson better watch out, because a new popular scientist in media is in town. Stan, for the sake of knowledge, I'm going to need you to let me borrow our blog laptop for the afternoon.
Stanley: *Sweating bullets again.* W-what!? Not right now, Ford! You can have it later when I'm done with this one question. Just... gimme a little bit longer-
Stanford: Science cannot wait, Stanley. Hand it over.
Stanley: Alright, fine! Just lemme type somethin' quick and- h-hey!
Stanford: *Ford takes the laptop away from Stan and starts walking off with it.* Great, you already have the ask blog up. Time to...
*Ford sees the question about the ten guns in the Shack. He pauses.*
Stanley: Ford! Ford, I can explain... just let me... just hand the laptop back over and we can forget-
Stanford: *His voice cold.* Ten guns, Stan? Ten of them?
Stanley: It's... it's not what you think!
Stanford: Stan, you do know Dipper and Mabel live here in the summers, right? And you're telling me that you have ten guns around the Shack?
Stanley: Ford, just... *His expression turns defiant and mad.* Yeah, you know what? I've got ten guns! What of it!? Go ahead and judge me, Poindexter! You've always been good at that, haven't ya!?
Stanford: *Eyes narrowing.* Oh, I'm judging you, all right. Stan, I'm sorry, but I have no choice other than to host an emergency family meeting. We need to discuss this with Dipper and Mabel immediately. They must know about this. And then we can rectify this dangerous matter.
Stanley: Ford, really, it's fine, we don't need-
Stanford: *His voice ringing through the whole Shack.* Family meeting! Family meeting!
Three hours later...
*Stan, Ford, Dipper, Mabel are in the living room of the Shack at the dining table, where they usually host their family meetings. Stan looks more pissed than he has all day, Dipper looks nervous and confused, Mabel looks excited, and Ford is standing up by a chalkboard on wheels, multiple rules written on it, and he looks quite pleased.*
Stanford: Now, one final time, let's repeat the Pines family gun rules before this meeting comes to an end.
Stanley: Sweet Moses, Ford, isn't this overkill?
Mabel: Don't listen to Grunkle Stan! I am 1000% on board with all of these rules. *She pets the demonic owl chick that was sleeping in Ford's hair earlier and gives it a cheese flavored chip to eat.* Nice job, Grunkle Ford!
Dipper: I think Grunkle Stan has a point, though. Grunkle Ford, no offense, but-
Stanford: No buts! Now, repeat the rules, everyone!
Dipper, Mabel, and Stanley: *Stan and Dipper looking both annoyed, and Mabel looking very amused, they repeat the rules aloud in unison.*
Rule one, whenever a cryptid, government agent, evil being, or any kind of potential enemy of the Pines family comes to the door, carry a gun.
Rule two, everyone living in the Shack shall keep a gun or similar weapon by their bed at night in the case of a nighttime supernatural emergency.
Rule three, do not be afraid to brandish a gun whenever anyone asks too many questions about Stan's criminal past, Ford's research and/or interdimensional criminal past, or threatens to hurt Dipper or Mabel, either their feelings or physically.
Rule four, all members of the Pines family and their employees must be trained to use at least three different kinds of weapons.
Rule five, there must never be less than thirty guns hidden in the Shack at all times, preferably two per room and three per bedroom. Ten is not enough, no matter what Stan claims.
Rule six, when in doubt, Ford has the last say on anything related to weaponry and defense related matters in the Shack. Or else.
Stanford: Very good. Does anyone have any objections? Wait. *He chuckles deeply.* No, of course you don't, because these rules are forged from hard-earned lessons from the three decades I spent in the Multiverse, and they make perfect logical, ethical sense and are foolproof from accidents. Don't worry, I'll make sure all of these guns are kept in protective, cheap plastic cases.
Dipper: And here I thought living in the Shack every summer was crazy enough already. *He sighs and lets his head drop to the table.* Seriously, this is dumb.
Mabel: Grunkle Ford, why are you so badass and cool!? Grunkle Stan never let us use any guns last summer!
Stanley: Gee, I wonder why? *He sighs, then goes back to typing on Stan and Ford's shared laptop they use to answer blog questions.* Thanks, asker, for askin' about the ten guns I had around the Shack. I'll have you know that all of this is your fault.
164 notes
·
View notes
Dicktim for the ask game:
Dick starts to have feelings for Tim, but he's scared because he's absolutely convinced he's straight. He goes so far as to even try to kiss Roy, which… doesn't make things better between them, and Garth which was just wet. And then Tim starts the transition as a woman, and Dick be like, ahhhh, so that's what it was. He can work with it :D
for the ask game!
!!! transfemme Tim supremacy. god i love any flavor of trans/genderqueer Tim. especially when everyone around Tim is either supper supportive or instantly clocks them as an egg, it's delightful. here are some thoughts (note: i'm using he/him for Tim up until transitioning just bc. ease of understanding)
having feelings for Tim comes with equal confusion and guilt. Dick has known Tim since he was a young teen and even now that Tim is growing into an adult, Dick is hyperaware of the implications that could come with it. but more than that, he's just *confused*. he doesn't mind the jokes about his sexuality because he knows he's comfortable with it. he experimented a bit in his teens and came to the firm, comfortable understanding that he's straight. so feelings for Tim are. confusing, to say the least. before Tim comes out, he's not particularly obvious about being an egg. he's only dated girls, even has a bit of a skater boy persona going on, so it's not easy to clock how deep in denial he is. so Dick is baffled on every level. he's googling it, kissing his prettiest male friends to see if maybe he is bisexual and this is just a late awakening. but it's definitely not and it's definitely just a complex for Tim. for a while Dick lives in denial of it convincing himself some wires got crossed or something because he would never like a guy and he'd especially never like Tim, someone who should be a little brother to him. and for a while, it almost works. Dick is able to compartmentalize and bury the feelings so deep he's mostly functioning around Tim, save for staring a little too long when he notices Tim is letting his hair grow out and watching Tim apply stage makeup to cover bruises. but he's mostly fine.
it's the Caroline Hill cover that gets Dick to break. Tim is trying to be as casual as he can about the idea of going undercover as a woman. Tim doesn't want anyone to think about why that would be his cover of choice so he just blames it on being so androgynous and no one really comments bc really, they've all had their weird fake identities. but when Tim has the long hair, the flawless makeup, and just a little fake padding in the right places it makes Dick choke. which feels horrifically objectifying to Dick and he feels even worse about his crush now. especially the way Tim talks when dressed up as Caroline. a softer voice that's clearly trying to be more feminine. and there's just. the way Tim seems so *comfortable*, as Caroline. like this is a natural, second skin to Tim. it sends Dick on a panicked spiral, wondering if this counts as some kind of horrible fetish or something. he's so guilty he probably vents to Donna or Wally about it, just to get his feelings out about the whole thing. they comfort him and talk him through it, finally convincing him to just talk to Tim. because the worst that happens, Tim rejects Dick and Dick can properly move on. and the best that happens, Dick can explore this weird feeling.
of course, Dick chooses the most awkward way to do it. instead of just talking to Tim about his feelings, he casually mentions Caroline Hill and how nice Tim looked. how it seems almost natural for Tim. and Tim *panicks*. because this is the first time anyone has called it out, and Tim is as deep in the closet as you can get. he ends up awkwardly mumbling that he liked being Caroline a lot, hoping the conversation will be dropped. but Dick presses and Tim ends up. accidentally coming out in a rushed word vomit that Dick barely understands. it ends with Dick blinking a few times and finally softly asking if Tim wants to be called Caroline with she/her pronouns. and when he gets a small yes, Dick immediately switches. he's so caught up in supporting Caroline, he doesn't immediately think about the crush. it takes a few days of watching her come out to everyone else and wear her hair more femininely, put on makeup, before Dick is suddenly *very* rudely reminded of his crush. because Caroline just seems a lot happier as a girl, and it seems so obvious now that she's out. she redesigns her suit to be more clearly female and that's when Dick can't hide the crush anymore. not for lack of trying, but the first time Red Robin patrols and clearly is a woman, Dick walks straight into a pole. (bonus points if Caroline's new suit is very unternet inspired, being visibly Nightwing-inspired just to make it worse for Dick) and Caroline, who's still anxious about her transition and being perceived as a woman, at first thinks it's about that. which leads to Dick awkwardly explaining his crush and well. in a way, it's the most gender-affirming thing for a straight person to have a crush on Caroline before she even came out.
their relationship is slow and careful, especially anything sexual. Dick is still acutely aware of the age difference and how they met muddling things, but Caroline brushes all of those concerns. she's an adult, she's consenting, and dear god who hasn't had a crush on Dick Grayson. i think it's sort of funny if when they start dating, Dick forgets to mention that Caroline is Tim Drake, who transitioned as a trans woman. so he talks about his girlfriend Caroline to his friends, who are very confused about who this Caroline girl is. Steph and Cass help Caroline learn silly things like "girl code" and Dick is prepared to curbstomb anyone who misgenders her. he's ready. probably a little too ready. their relationship flows so naturally Dick doesn't know how he didn't clock it before. his crush just feels obvious now. he doesn't want to be overbearing and wants to make sure she's going at her comfortable pace with her transition. but Dick is the type of ally boyfriend to google *everything* and help Caroline through deciding if and how to go onto hormones, how to legally transition, all of it. it's their version of date night. that and patrolling together, but that one is a given. it doesn't take long for the public to figure out that Nightwing and Red Robin are together (i think it's funny if no one can decide if there's a new Red Robin or if the old one transitioned. it's a hotly debated thread on reddit.) because of how affectionate Dick is. and of course Caroline just bluescreens under any affection from Dick bc this is her childhood crush, absolutely smitten for her.
i love exploring sexual headcanons for trans characters bc it's different for everyone. i'm a bottom Tim truther, so i think bottom Caroline works great in a gender-affirming sort of way, with Dick using very feminine words in sex. i do still think she would dom Dick, riding him or edging him. it's not what Dick expected, but he'll definitely take it. Caroline just likes reducing Dick to a begging mess. i also think there would be a mommy kink. i believe in Tim being called mommy even when he's not trans, so if she's trans, she's *definitely* being called mommy. gender affirmation and kinky fuckery. two birds one stone. she also likes letting Dick braid her hair and help her do her makeup. Dick buys her all kinds of nice lingerie to try on and then ruin during sex. it's a win-win for everyone.
25 notes
·
View notes