#agh im so tired. and i have to go sampling again tomorrow. idk what im gonna do
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#i had another meeting with a potential phd advisor today. idk how i feel abt it#i think i wasnt at my best bc im so very very exhausted#which is 1000% my fault bc i was at my fireds house until like 11 ans probably overextended socially#but i dont think it was awful. i think i asked thr right questions. he seems pretty hands off#i think hes pretty successful with a big lab and his own lab space. the research is super cool#but i think if i go that way itll be a big challenge so idk#agh im so tired. and i have to go sampling again tomorrow. idk what im gonna do#i guess ill have to get up at like 5.30 to prep for field work. go to the store at 6#then i have a meeting at 7am and at 8 im going out to the feild probably until at least 3pm#so no getting stuff done for me i guess rip#actually its even more fucked bc i think were leaving Thursday night for more field work all weekend#hhhh so that means tonight i probably need to fucking transfer algae#and i have to give an lecture to a class next week so idk when im gonna make that presentation and practice. i guess i prob only habe to do#20min but i think feel like i might have to do the whole 50min so fuck me i guess#but also i need to find time to code a bunch of bullshit and write. i really need to write#and im just waiting on my boss to submit a recommendation before i have my 1st application done#hhh i just wanna sleep :-( im all wrung out. idk what im gonna do. freak the fuck out maybe idk#i just wanna draw :'( why does the universe say no?#unrelated#how tf is it only Tuesday?
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#dear diary. im sad again wah#agh not sad exactly. just brain fog. i can't focus and im so tired but i haven't even done anything#like ive done not that much this weekend. which sucks bc ive got so much to do.#i didnt even draw too much today bc i was so out of focus. i dont even kno what i did today#i think ive just kinda been laying here since like 4 or 5 and its almost 9 now#so idk. i wish i could control my attention and make it do things#ugh ill try to work on campus tomorrow. at least until 1 when i have to meet a guy abt a phd position#but i feel like im gonna die on campus bc there r ppl there :-( but i cant focus here either#everything's just foggy. i dont kno it might help if i met with my boss so we could talk abt things that need to get done#but idk i dont really have to. im afraid shes gonna tell me she never got the data i sent her at 3am bc she never sent it back#and then im gonna cry. but whatever#next week were going out to the field again. for a week. gathering more samples thst will kill me later#so i might freak out again. but its not as far a drive this time. and the other person were going with knows me fairly well#im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. ugh.#maybe i should banish myself from tumblr until i actually get things done. thst will increase my suffering but might shorten the duration#blah. i wish i could read. or focus. that would make reading papers less terrible#idk what im even gonna do tomorrow. program a thing. write some stuff. continue to be sad and out of focus#too much thinking abt the future and stressing out abt picking a program to join when i haven't even been accepted yet#i mean. to b fair i got accepted to all the schools i applied to for my masters and i didnt kno shit back then#so i feel like if u have a masters the grad school is like: ok u kno how to do grad school ur in#bc grad school is fucking weird#but im like do i wanna do 3.5yrs in the uk on a riskier program or up to 5yrs in the us where the vibe feels more stable#but idk i havent even started writing for the scholarships and i feel like im too late to apply for one of them anyway bc its like jumping#thru 90 thousand hoops. so idk. idk. i have to create a project proposal 1st and idk what to do.#i mean i sorta kno but like i dont wanna sound dumb so agh. im tired#i want the perfect idea to come sweep me off my feet but i instantly start talking myself out of everything#ugh. actually i kno what happened. i got all excited on Thursday. like properly excited. which i dont like to do bc my mood bottoms out#afterwards. like this. that's why i dont get excited abt things. i keep myself at a stable neutral. a light misery if u will#hhhhhh so im rambling and procrastinating and sad. but tomorrow will b better bc Tomorrow i. will. focus.#unrelated
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