#so i might freak out again. but its not as far a drive this time. and the other person were going with knows me fairly well

[darksturnz]

HELPING HANDS . . . ?

CONTENTS:・smut-heavy plot ・star!reader ・artist!chris ・semi-public handjob..・substance use ・pet names used (baby a few times, kid like once) + more WC: 3.7k masterlist: here

the song for this is champagne coast by blood orange. it won’t let me link it. + this was rewritten like six times bare w me.

The night in Pine View was quiet, blanketed in a stillness that made the small town feel even smaller. The kind of night where the streetlights flickered faintly and the air carried the faint scent of distant woodsmoke. The trailer park sat on the edge of it all, surrounded by thick trees that swayed gently in the cool breeze. Somewhere far off, a dog barked, its sound lost to the crickets and the occasional hum of a passing car on the main road.

Chris leaned against the hood of his car, one foot propped up, a cigarette hanging loosely from his fingers. Star stood a few feet away, her arms crossed, her converse scuffing the gravel beneath her. She was watching the horizon, where the faint glow of the neighboring town’s lights blurred into the inky darkness. The blunt between her fingers had burned down to almost nothing, the ember glowing faintly before she let it fall and snuffed it out with her toe.

“You good?” Chris asked, his voice cutting through the quiet. It wasn’t loud, just enough to draw her attention. She looked at him, and for a moment, he thought she might lie. But instead, she shrugged.

“I guess,” she muttered, shivering slightly. “It’s just… feels heavy tonight I dunno.”

Chris nodded, taking another drag before flicking the cigarette to the ground. He pushed off the car, closing the distance between them, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket. “Come with me,” he said softly, his voice gentler than she expected.

She glanced up at him, her brows knitting together. “Where?”

He smiled faintly, tilting his head toward the car. “Just a drive. Clear your head. I’ll drive slow. You can even pick the music.”

“Chris…” she trailed off, her fingers twitching at her sides. “Y’know I hate cars.”

“I know,” he said quietly, stepping closer. His hand brushed against hers, and when she didn’t pull away, he took it, his thumb tracing over her knuckles. “But I’d never let anything happen to you, Star. You know that, right?”

Her lips parted slightly, her breath catching in her throat. She wanted to argue, to tell him she’d rather stay where it was safe, but something about the way he was looking at her—so soft, so patient—made her resolve falter.

“ m‘kay,” she whispered finally, her voice barely audible. “But if I freak out—”

“I’ll pull over,” he promised, his hand squeezing hers. “I’ll stop the second you want me to.”

She nodded, and he opened the passenger door for her, holding it until she climbed in. The Tempest’s interior was warm, the faint scent of leather and Chris’s cologne filling the space as he slid into the driver’s seat. He turned the key, the engine rumbling to life, and reached over to rest his hand on her knee.

“You sure you’re good?” he asked again, his thumb brushing against the fabric of her jeans.

She swallowed, nodding. “Yeah. I’m good.”

The car rolled out of the trailer park, the headlights cutting through the darkness as they hit the open road. Pine View at night was a mix of sprawling woods and quiet streets, the occasional porch light casting a faint glow against the shadows. The farther they drove, the more the town fell away, replaced by winding roads and tall trees that seemed to stretch endlessly into the sky.

Chris reached for the radio, turning the dial until a soft, crackling tune filled the car. Star relaxed slightly, her head leaning against the window as she watched the trees blur by. He kept his hand on her knee, his fingers tracing small circles absentmindedly, grounding her in a way she hadn’t expected.

The rain started as a light drizzle, the drops tapping against the windshield like a faint rhythm. But it didn’t stay light for long. Within minutes, the drizzle turned into a downpour, the kind of rain that swallowed the world whole, reducing everything beyond the headlights to a blurry mess. Star tensed, her breath hitching as the car’s tires hissed against the wet road.

“Chris,” she said, her voice tight. “I don’t like this.”

“I know, baby,” he murmured, his hand leaving her knee to take hers. He laced their fingers together, his grip steady and reassuring. “I’m pullin’ over. It’s okay.”

He guided the car off the road and into an empty parking lot, the gravel crunching beneath the tires as he parked beneath the faint outline of a lamppost. The rain pounded against the roof, a steady roar that made the small space feel even more intimate. Chris shut off the engine but left the heater running, the warm air filling the car as he turned to face her.

“Better?” he asked softly, his hand still holding hers.

She nodded, but her hands were trembling slightly. “I just hate the sound of it even,” she admitted, her voice barely audible over the rain.

“C’mere,” he said, his free hand reaching out to gently tug her closer. She hesitated for only a moment before sliding across the seat, her body pressed against his side. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, his lips brushing against her temple in a soft kiss.

“See? You’re safe, I gotcha,” he whispered, his breath warm against her skin.

They sat like that for a while, the rain creating a cocoon of sound around them. Chris’s hand rested on her hip now, his thumb tracing slow, soothing patterns against her side. Star’s head was tucked against his neck, her fingers curling into the fabric of his jacket as she let his warmth ease the tension in her chest.

When she tilted her head up to look at him, the space between them felt impossibly small. His eyes met hers, dark and steady, and without thinking, she leaned in. The kiss was soft at first but Chris deepened it, his hand sliding up to cradle the back of her head.

Star shifted, climbing into his lap, her knees bracketing his thighs as the kiss grew more urgent. Chris’s seat was pushed all the way back, giving them just enough room, but the closeness still made her breath catch. His hands gripped her waist, his fingers pressing into her skin as her lips moved against his.

When they finally pulled apart, gasping for air, the windows were fogged, and the car felt suffocatingly warm. Star’s forehead rested against his, her fingers tracing the edge of his jaw.

“Fuck kid,” Chris murmured, his voice low and rough. She felt it then—the hard press of him against her thigh, impossible to ignore. Her cheeks flushed as she glanced down, her breath catching at the sight of him.

“Does it hurt?” she asked softly, her fingers brushing against the hem of his shirt.

Chris swallowed hard, his jaw clenching. “No? Why do you keep asking that..M’fine promise,” he said, though his voice was strained. “You don’t—”

“I want to,” she interrupted, her eyes meeting his. “Let me help.”

His breath hitched as her fingers moved lower, tracing the waistband of his jeans. She hesitated for only a moment before slipping her hand underneath, her touch warm and deliberate.

“Fuck,” Chris sighed, his head falling back against the seat. Star’s fingers moved with a mix of hesitance and curiosity, her touch featherlight as she ventured further. The tension in the car was palpable, the air thick with the scent of rain and heated breaths. Chris’s head was tilted back against the seat, his eyes squeezed shut, and his lips slightly parted as if he were bracing himself against the pleasure that her tentative movements sent through him.

“You okay?” it was her turn to ask him, her voice barely audible over the drumming rain.

Chris opened his eyes, dark and heavy-lidded, and met hers. A faint smile tugged at his lips, though it was strained. “Yeah, ‘course baby,” he murmured, his voice low and rough, like gravel. “Seriously you don’t have to, though. I don’t want you—”

“Chris,” she interrupted, her voice soft but firm. “I want to.”

Her determination left him speechless, his throat bobbing as he swallowed hard. Star’s fingers moved again, brushing against him in a way that made his hips jerk involuntarily. A soft groan escaped his lips, and she froze for a second, unsure if she’d gone too far.

“Sorry,” she murmured quickly, pulling back slightly.

“No—Don’t,” Chris rasped, his hand reaching up to cover hers. His palm was rough and warm, grounding her. “Don’t stop.”

His words sent a shiver down her spine, and she nodded, her confidence growing. She returned her focus to him, her fingers tracing the waistband of his jeans again before dipping beneath. The rough denim gave way to soft, heated skin, and she felt him inhale sharply at the contact. Her cheeks burned, but she didn’t stop, didn’t falter. Chris deserved to feel good—she wanted to be the one to make him feel that way. Her hands life under his boxers, her finger tips grazing the silky skin of his cock. 

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, his head tilting forward to press his lips against her shoulder. The light scrape of his teeth against her skin made her pulse race, but she tried to keep her focus. His hands gripped her hips tightly, his fingertips pressing into her in a way that was almost possessive.

He lifted his hips slightly, both of them fumbling to tug his jeans down, the air thick with tension and unspoken anticipation. The moment his cock sprang free, the tip glistening with pre-cum, Star’s tongue darted across her lips instinctively, her wide-eyed gaze fixed on him.

The rain outside faded into the background, drowned out by the soft hum of the heater and the rhythmic thrum of her pulse in her ears. The windows fogged further, sealing them in their own private world. Star shifted slightly in his lap, her movement eliciting a low, guttural groan from Chris, his hips jerking involuntarily against her. The sound sent a jolt through her, a thrill that made her lips curl into a soft, almost nervous smile.

Chris’s hand wrapped around his length, stroking himself with slow, practiced movements. His lips parted, his head tilting back against the seat as a quiet sigh escaped him. Star watched, mesmerized, unable to tear her eyes away. She took in every detail—the way his wrist twisted slightly with each stroke, the way his thumb grazed the sensitive tip, smearing the clear liquid pooling there. There was something hypnotic about his ease, the way he seemed so lost in the moment yet entirely aware of her presence.

Before she realized what she was doing, her hand reached out, her soft fingers brushing against his. Chris hissed sharply at the contact, his eyes snapping open to meet hers. His gaze darkened, but he didn’t stop her, didn’t move away. Instead, he let his hand fall to the side, giving her control.

Star’s fingers trembled slightly as they wrapped around him, her touch tentative at first, her movements experimental. His sharp inhale was enough to spur her on, and she adjusted her grip, her eyes flicking up to his face to gauge his reaction. Chris’s brows furrowed slightly each time she squeezed the base a little firmer than the tip, and she quickly memorized the pattern, repeating it until his breathing grew uneven.

“Yeah— …yeah, jus’ like that,” he murmured, his voice rough and low, almost a whisper. His hand settled gently on her thigh, a grounding touch, but he didn’t push her, didn’t rush her.

Encouraged, Star mirrored what she’d seen him do earlier, her thumb brushing over the slick head, collecting the pre-cum that had gathered there. Chris let out a quiet, broken moan, his head falling forward to rest against hers. The intimacy of it—the warmth of his breath against her cheek, the way his hands trembled slightly where they rested—sent a flush through her. She was learning, slowly but surely, what made him come undone, and she wanted to memorize every sound, every reaction, every detail of the way he unraveled beneath her touch.

“Fuck, Star,” he muttered, his voice barely audible over the rain, but the way it broke at the edges made her shiver.

“You’re so pretty like this,” she murmured, the words slipping out before she could stop them.

Chris let out a strained laugh, his head falling back against the seat as his eyes fluttered closed again. “Pretty, huh?” he managed, his voice tinged with amusement despite the situation.

“Shut up,” she said, her tone teasing, though her cheeks were burning. “Y’know what I mean.”

He opened his eyes again, the warmth in his gaze making her stomach flip. “Thank you,” he said softly, his hand lifting to brush a strand of hair away from her face. His touch lingered, his thumb grazing her cheek before he leaned up to kiss her again. This time, the kiss was slower, deeper, and it stole the breath from her lungs.

Her hand stilled for a moment, and he let out a soft whine of protest against her lips, making her smile. “You’re bein’ impatient,” she teased, her voice breathless.

“Can you blame me?” he muttered, his lips brushing against hers as he spoke.

Star laughed softly, the sound muffled against his mouth as she resumed her movements. Chris’s breath hitched, his hands tightening on her hips as he leaned his forehead against hers. The intimacy of the moment wasn’t lost on her—the way he let himself be vulnerable with her, the way his voice cracked when he whispered her name, the way he held her like she was the only thing grounding him to the earth.

Her hand moved slowly, deliberately, as if she were piecing together a puzzle. She kept her eyes locked on Chris’s face, studying every flicker of his expression like it held the answers she needed. His jaw clenched and then relaxed with each stroke, his brows knitting together whenever her touch lingered at the tip. When she brushed her thumb over the sensitive slit again, his mouth fell open, a low, broken groan spilling out before he could stop it.

Her lips curled into a small smile at the sound, a mixture of pride and nerves swirling in her chest. She adjusted her grip, experimenting with her fingers, squeezing a little tighter around the base to see how he’d react. This time, the sharp hiss that escaped him wasn’t followed by a groan, but by his hand gently wrapping around her wrist.

“Not so tight,” he murmured, his voice soft but strained, as if even speaking was an effort. “You’ll—oh fuck—you’ll hurt me, baby.”

Star immediately froze, her eyes going wide as heat flooded her cheeks. “Oh— I’m sorry,” she stammered, pulling her hand back slightly. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Hey, hey,” Chris interrupted, his hand catching hers before she could fully pull away. His eyes met hers, dark and heavy with need, but there was nothing but warmth in his expression. “You’re doin’ so good.“

“But I—”

“You’re perfect,” he cut her off, his words tumbling out in a rushed, breathless whisper. “So fuckin’ perfect, Star. Just—just go a little softer, yeah?”

She nodded, swallowing hard as her fingers returned to him, her touch gentler this time. He exhaled a shaky breath, his hips lifting slightly as she resumed her movements. The tension in his body melted back into pleasure, his head falling against the seat, his lips parting as a soft, desperate whimper escaped him.

“That’s it,” he murmured, his voice breaking. “keep doin’ it like that.”

Encouraged by his reaction, Star leaned in closer, her breath brushing against his neck as she tried to find a rhythm that made him fall apart. Every time his head tipped back or his mouth opened in a gasp, she filed it away, repeating the motions until the car was filled with the sound of his ragged breathing and the soft, wet noises of her hand moving against him.

“Y’sure I’m doin’ it okay?” she asked quietly, her voice laced with a mix of nerves and curiosity. She wanted to be sure, needed to hear it from him.

Chris’s eyes opened, heavy-lidded and glassy as he looked at her. “Yeah,” he breathed, his voice shaking, “..yes—yeah. more than okay. You’re perfect—so fuckin’ perfect. Y’got no idea what you’re doin’ to me.”

The raw honesty in his voice made her chest tighten, a new kind of confidence surging through her. She adjusted her grip again, following the pattern she knew worked, and was rewarded with another choked moan from him. His hands gripped her thighs now, his fingers digging into her jeans as if he needed something to ground himself.

“Star,” he groaned, his head falling forward as his lips brushed against her temple. His breath was hot and uneven against her skin, his voice barely audible but filled with so much need it made her pulse race. “You’re gonna kill me.”

Star couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled out of her, her cheeks still flushed as she kept her focus on him. She wanted to keep pushing, to see just how far she could take him, and the way his body responded to her touch only made her more determined. Every whimper, every groan, every strained “fuck” that slipped from his lips felt like a victory, and she wanted to collect them all.

The way his body started to react beneath her touch was impossible to ignore. Chris was trembling now, his breath coming in sharp, uneven bursts, his hips twitching upward against her hand as if he couldn’t control it. His fingers gripped her hip tightly, so tightly she was certain there’d be marks tomorrow, but she didn’t mind. If anything, it thrilled her—proof of just how much she was affecting him.

“Oh—,” he groaned, his voice barely above a whisper but filled with urgency. “y/n, you gotta stop— m’so close. If you don’t stop, it’s gonna get everywhere.”

She could tell he meant it, could feel it in the way he pulsed in her hand, but instead of listening, she leaned forward, her lips capturing his in a deep, heated kiss. His warning melted into a choked moan against her mouth, his body tensing as he finally let go. Chris’s hands gripped her hips even tighter as he came, hot and messy against her hand and her shirt. She felt the warmth seep through the fabric, but she didn’t pull away, instead focusing on keeping him steady as he unraveled beneath her.

When the moment passed and Chris finally caught his breath, his head fell back against the seat, his eyes fluttering open to look at her. The realization of what had just happened hit him, and his cheeks flushed slightly, a rare vulnerability shining through as he mumbled, “Shit, see look at your shirt…”

Star glanced down at the mess, the white fabric stained, and shrugged sheepishly. “ It’s okay! Basically payback,” she said with a small grin, her tone teasing. “For when I ‘ruined your pants’ remember?”

Chris huffed out a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief as he watched her tug the shirt off without hesitation. His breath hitched slightly at the sight of her bare skin, the soft lace of her bra framing her chest in a way that made his mouth go dry. He didn’t even try to hide the way his eyes lingered, taking her in like she was a masterpiece he’d never get tired of admiring.

“You’re starin’ at me” She said as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear.

“Yeah,” he admitted shamelessly, his voice rough. His hand reached out, brushing softly over the lace. “This—my god star, this looks so pretty on you.”

Her blush deepened, and she quickly climbed back over to the passenger seat, awkward and shirtless, trying not to meet his gaze. Chris chuckled softly at her flustered movements, using her discarded shirt to clean himself up before pulling his pants back on. Once he was decent again, he shrugged off his hoodie, leaning over to drape it gently over her shoulders.

“Here,” he murmured, the scent of his cologne and the faint trace of weed enveloping her immediately. “I’ll get you another shirt at home.”

Star tugged the hoodie on, the oversized fabric swallowing her frame, and the comforting scent eased the nerves that had begun to bubble in her chest. Chris noticed the way her hands fidgeted in the sleeves, her gaze flicking out the window as if she were trying to distract herself.

“Hey,” he said softly, reaching over to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing over her skin. “You feelin’ okay?”

She nodded, leaning into his touch. “Yeah. Just… processing, I guess.”

He smiled gently, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. “You were amazing, baby.”

His words, paired with the sincerity in his tone, made her chest warm. He leaned back slightly, one hand resting on her knee as he pressed soft, lingering kisses to her temple, her cheek, her jaw. The gentleness of his touch, the way he held her like she was something precious, calmed her in a way she hadn’t expected.

The two of them sat in the warmth of the car, the rain still falling lightly outside as they caught their breath. Chris traced idle patterns on the fogged-up window, and Star followed his lead, her fingers sketching stars and moons into the condensation. She glanced over at his work, an intricate cross taking shape beneath his hand, and huffed out a laugh.

“You couldn’t even pretend to be ass?” she teased, nudging his shoulder lightly.

Chris turned to her with a playful shrug, his eyes glinting with gentle affection. “Think yours is perfect, personally,” he said simply, his voice soft.

Her cheeks warmed again, but she smiled, leaning her head against his shoulder as the rain finally began to ease. The world outside the car seemed to come back into focus, the storm clearing to reveal a quiet, damp night.

“You’re a corny idiot after you orgasm”

“Right ‘cause you’re one to speak” He snorts softly, starting the car, the heater still running as he pulled out of the parking lot, driving slow like he’d promised.

His hand found hers again, their fingers lacing together as the familiar roads of Pine View came into view. Neither of them spoke much on the way back, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. It was warm, filled with the quiet hum of the engine and eventually her soft snores as she fell asleep in passenger seat. The act itself said more about her trust in Chris than her words ever could. 

AUTHORS NOTE: writing smut will be my downfall. i’m so bad at it i need tips PLEASE!

TAG LIST: @jetaimevous @sturnsblunt @riasturns @ifwdominicfike @chrissturns-wife @pip4444chris @ribread03 @ariestrxsh @angelic-sturniolos111 @pvssychicken @mattslolita @stvrnzcherries @dottieboo @lovergirl4gracieabrams @bluestriips @sturniolo-fann @chrisslut04 @owensbabygirl @sturnslutz @sturniqlo @sofieeeeex @jadasmp4 @ncm9696 @courta13

(just ask to be added/removed!)

[nights-at-crystarium]

While I'm ancient-trio-posting, wanna hear a bit about their dynamic?

Hythlodaeus and Hades are old friends, roommates, even. A genuinely mature, established couple. I haven't really thought too far back in time yet, so maybe childhood friends to lovers because no one else in my story has this trope yet. I leave it open-ended for now. What matters is that they're very chill and stable together.

Azem, not-yet-Azem but a mere apprentice of Venat, has a certain secret, harmless to the world, but potentially ranging from laughable, cringy, personally embarrassing to legally punishable, should it be brought in front of the Convocation, like all lies it's doomed to be revealed in time, he already hangs out with one of the Big People and there are talks about Venat's retirement, our little not-yet-Azem feels like he might get recommended, and must find help with his silly secret before that.

Hythlodaeus, Chief of the Bureau of the Architect, has ever been kind and patient with not-yet-Azem's concept submissions, and generally seems like a reliable and open-minded person, so our guy asks for his advice on the matter. Of course he isn't let down, the nitty gritty of it I'll leave for later. The important part: he and Hyth grow closer, and Hades, already being joined at the hip with Hyth, is in on the secret as well. It's just a vulnerability that I use as a means to win over Hades's heart. Be genuine, beg for his help, rely on him, and he's yours.

Venat retires, the new Azem takes the seat, his secret's safe/resolved (forget about it, it's played its role of the glue for our trio), things are chill for a while, the trio grows into a proper throuple, Hades is recommended for the seat of Emet-Selch by both his lovers, but by Azem most ardently (and selfishly: he feels like a white crow among the Convocation and wants another freak on the team. Hades finds it sweet though).

The status quo moves to the known canon where Azem travels a lot, sometimes summons his buddies to his side, he tends to disappear from Amaurot for weeks and months on end, Hyth and Hades are left to themselves, seemingly things are the same as they've always been, but the joy of reuniting with their wayward lover, and the pining when he's gone, is bigger in Hades than Hyth. Of course they, the two mature people holding hands from the beginning of times, don't discuss this.

Azem may not even realize what he's doing- well, ain't that most azems in a nutshell. He just exists, loves his partners, shines for them with equal warmth like sun. It's not that Hyth doesn't like being sunkissed, no, it's Hades who gets a bit too excited, tries to mask that however he can, perhaps HythHades pretend that nothing's changed, but, yknow, subtle cracks. Hades's heart grows more fond due to the time and distance that separate them so often. Of course he's terrified and he sees what this does to the balance of their poly, it's not welcome, but it won't go away.

Enter Hyth's self-esteem issues, and how neatly that weaves into his following sacrifice to bring forth Zodiark. Even though Azem's nowhere to be seen, it's fine, he'll return, it's just a tantrum, the Convocation will forgive him, Hades will be left in good hands, he and Azem seem to be happier without Hyth anyway. (no, no, no, no-) Of course, the latter's left unsaid, only a smile on display and vague words of affirmation for the shellshocked Hades.

Through the sacrifice Hyth drives up his value. He's forever important to Hades now, forever on his mind, his guiding star. I view Hyth's selfless act as selfish too (just as Raha's but he isn't relevant here), a desperate act of a soul not only loving, but desperate for love. Hyth gets what he wanted. In a fucked up way, he's happier as a part of the moon. He never has to contend with the sun again.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying that I was worried a friend might be making his mental state worse

I (F18) and my now previous best friend (M18) have been friends since 7th grade, and graduated just last year. My friend has had mental issues for as long as we've been friends (anxiety, depression, DID) and has always been very, very drug adverse. Going as far as having drugs mentioned making him really uncomfortable for years and years. But this last year, our senior year, he started getting really friendly with the idea of starting to smoke. This caused an argument between us, as weed is known for causing mental issues to get worse, specifically its known for causing early onset psychosis, and considering he's had episodes similar before I was worried it would make things worse for him. He told me to step back and get out of his business. So I did.

About a month or so after this, he texted me and said that he was experiencing knee pain and asked if when I got to school (I was running late) if he could have some Tylenol, (I have a medical issue and I have to keep anti inflammatory's on my person or i risk paralyzation) and i said yes, because why wouldn't I, me and him have given one another over the counter pain meds all the time in the past. I had a brand new bottle of 250 pills of 500mg dosage, and well I was pulling out the bottle, I asked how many he wanted, (so I could give him one or two) but he asked if I could just hand him the bottle because both of us we're late to class and he didn't wanna be too late. And, as he's borrowed bottles of pain meds from me before for years, I said sure.

A little over an hour later I was called to the front office, where the bottle was placed onto the desk, and the administrator asked if it was mine, and I said yes, because it was my bottle of tylenol. and she gave it back to me, and told me to go back to class, I asked if my friend was in the nurses office or something, but she just told me to go to class. and that they dont give out medical information on students

I texted my friend asking what happened but he never answered, So at this point, I was freaking out. I texted his younger sister and asked if he was ok (we're also friends) but she didnt know that anything happened at all. At this point I entered a class I have multiple friends in and started having a meltdown worrying for the worst. his sister called their mom, and relayed to me that he was in the hospital. I poured out the entire bottle of tylenol and counted out every single one of them to find out that he took 12 500mg pills of Tylenol

I was called to the office again they had me give them all of my tylenol, and then they asked for any other drugs i had, I told them I don't have drugs, and then they confiscated my ibuprofen and the benydryl I keep on my person, and then because I kept them in my first aid kit, they confiscated my bandaids and neosporin.

he lived, was diagnosed with bpd, schizophrenia, and somethging else i dont remember. and there was a huge problem with the school, and they put me down as a drug dealer, made me do meetings with the student handler, called my parents. Its only the fact his mom didnt press charges that kept me from going to court. I suffered with severe guilt problems for months and months, relapsed into hurting myself, and it was just. bad. (months later, he went on to try to kill himself again, this time by overdosing on his perscribed anxiety meds in the school a second time)

during this time, he would start ghosting my messages, and when I asked him about it, he told me he wasn't mad at me, told me he didnt have any issues with me, he just felt bad we hadn't hung out in a while. So, I scheduled to hang out. and he cancelled. 5 times in a row. when driving a mutual friend home, I was discussing that I was frustrated, and worried about him. During this, I mentioned the argument we had about him smoking, and I mentioned that I thought it might be related to his mental state worsening. (he stopped smoking after the first suicide attempt) (and started smoking again a few monthes before the second attempt)

over the summer i would invite him to hang out several times, he declined every time, he invited me to hang out, but it felt like he intentionally planned for times he knew I couldn't make it for. (continualy on the day I work every week) Or on the few times we could. I would show up, and he would leave within the next 30 minutes, even if we had planed beforehand to be doing somethign for a while.

when I messaged him about 3 month ago (after three consecutive failed hang outs in a row) I found he had blocked me on everything. phone number, discord, instagram, tumblr. With no message, no word, didn't tell me at all what I did wrong or what hapened

just tonight I found out that he blocked me and wont interact with me because He says, that I said that it was his own fault that he tried to kill himself and that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. (not what he said, he wont talk to me, I heard through third party source, so theres a chance that im not getting the message right)

I feel this isnt what I said at all. but, idk, I feel very guilty about it, I want to apologize to him. but I don't know how, its not like i can message him, and we dont ever see each other anymore because were graduated and doing different things.

am i the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[yuukei-yikes]

just read ur recenmt kanoshin comic and it made me smile so wide with joy. i think the way shintaro just says straight up he wants to be with kano is really good bc in the end thts very shintaro. it takes him one million years but once he knows what it is exactly what he wants he will get it bc hes the protagonist smthn smthn story lol. but kano is litearlly the exact opposite of that. he barely knows what he wants most of the time but the times he does "know," he will just make reasons he cant have it. and in this au there r many potential reasons. maybe the only thing he really KNOWS he wants is his own suffering bahahha. anyway thanks for the kanoshin i havent been able to get myself to draw them lately but maybe i will now bc i feel like jesus starvuing himself in the dessert

U GET ITTTT. love ur kanoshin insights because U Get Me.

kano making up reasons why he can't have what he wants.... and shintaro just going for wants he wants.... i kick my feets with joy when ppl get what im putting down. like, shintaro kind of just had to work through some internalized homephobia. other than that he has no real problem liking kano LOL. he's like oh it's a little weird he's my ex's brother but her and i are cool now im sure she'd be totally ok with it yaaaay. he's a dumb son of a bitch💔

i know i wrote the comic but im so team kano. imagine that as an extremely traumatized, avoidant and filled with trust issues guy, you get in a situationship with a guy you had an ultra big fat repressed crush on 10 years ago, and that guy is the lamest, most self centered person you have EVER met, and at the same time he's your sister's ex boyfriend of 2 years and current father figure to her adopted kids because he is also the kindest most heroic person you've ever met and of course he has kids. with your sister. fuuuck. and he's totally earnest and keeps trying to formalize the relationship but again ur avoidant and cautious AND! he and ur sister played this romantic love story plot together for years and continue to be in each other's lives and they have a freaking family rn so why the hell would you accept his attempts to make things official?? you think no one knows ur sister better than you and you know he's STILL extremely SPECIAL to her, and when he finds that out he Will leave you for her. and it would be completely humiliating to be dumped at that point because all the stakes are against you, raising kids with his ex girlfriend? YOUR SISTER??? come on what were u even thinking kissing him Once are u stupid. even after he dumps you for her you'd see him all the time because he'd dump you FOR YOUR SISTER.

so add to that, you find out THROUGH HER that he agreed to artificially inseminate her. so they will have biological BABY together??? are you joking. id also throw him out of my apartment.

shintaro expecting anything else drives me crazy. and yet he's also not super wrong. kano and shintaro start their thing a lot after shintaro had been inserted in ayano's family unit. he's been around since she adopted the first one, he was the one to help her through it all. so kano can't really have an opinion about it because at that point its been years of shintaro and ayano playing house. and allegedly he and kano are nothing more than casual so what CAN he say about shintaro and ayano? and from shintaros perspective, he doesn't understand why kano even gives him the time of day if he doesn't wanna Date him. he might not be bright on social cues but shintaro is freaking smart he knows kano at the very least enjoys time with him, he knows that's real so what the hecks the problem??? shintaro assumes kano has commitment issues. which ig isnt super far off and maybe also an issue but Definitely not the main problem. like if the whole ayano and kids situation didnt exist, kano Would eventually come around. but shintaro doesnt even think that.

shintaro just fails to see his closeness with ayano as the red flag for kano bc he sees them as isolated parts of his life. SHINTARO YOU'RE PLAYING DAD AND ARE ABOUT TO GET HIS SISTER/YOUR EX GF PREMEDITATEDLY PREGNANT *SHAKES HIM*

he HAS made so much progress in 10 years but shintaro hasnt entirely shaken off his protagonist tendencies... i think the biggest problem here is that shintaro still doesnt recognize himself as the kid's dad lol he just think he's ayano's good friend helping her out every other day. but no he is literally their dad.

anyways a match made in hell ive got doodles of where i wanna take it but.. i dont see kano coming around AT ALL lol no matter how i go abt it the damage is done lmao and at the end of the day this story thingy IS about ayano and shintaro, who are... well... kind of selfish. so... im sorry kano. you are the collateral damage takane was talking about

[daddy-kinard]

I shockingly wrote something that isn’t explicit smut. I don’t know if I’m happy with it, I don’t even know if it’s finished finished. But I’m trying to be less precious about things so here it is I guess. Maybe it will make it to ao3 at some point.

bucktommy, 1.6k, M (sexual acts implied but not actually written)

Tommy gets it now.

Having the scars impresses women, getting ‘em freaks ‘em out.

Tommy has cataloged Evan’s scars, with his hands, with his mouth. And he might not go so far as to say they impress him, not in the same way as the way his did with the girls he’d pick up at bars because he thought he had to. The fascination, the fetishization of his perceived heroics.

No, Tommy sees, in each of Evan’s scars, what this man, this ridiculous, improbable man, has overcome. So maybe the scars themselves don’t impress him exactly, but he admires them for what they represent. And the way it makes Evan gasp when he puts his lips to them. That helps too.

But the reality of him getting them, yeah, that definitely freaks him out, as it turns out.

The call comes from Eddie, left to go to voicemail as Tommy’s in the showers after a shift.

“Hey man, so Buck mentioned he had plans with you after shift? Just letting you know you might have to rearrange. We’re at Cedars. Could be a while.”

Tommy doesn’t really think once he’s changed and has heard it. Grabs his keys and wallet automatically, shoves his feet into a pair of sneakers, phone still pressed to his ear asking if he wants to delete the message or replay it. He wishes he could delete its contents from having become reality somehow. He drives on autopilot, then curses as he has to circle the parking lot two, three, times to find a spot.

He doesn’t even need to make it to the reception desk before he spots them, Evan’s little 118 family. Eddie’s leaning against the wall talking to Howie, both of them doing a good job of looking relaxed if nothing else. Bobby’s sitting, leaning back in the chair, legs wide, actually relaxed. It’s Hen who spots him first.

“Tommy?”

“I, uh, got Eddie’s message.” He waves the hand holding his phone. “What happened? What…is he, is he okay?”

And Bobby must see something in his face, because he stands, claps a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. And Tommy feels, suddenly, about 10 years younger again.

“First time on the other side of it, huh?”

And Tommy’s lost guys on the job, he’s had colleagues who’ve ended up in hospitals after calls, same as any of them. But this is different, those weren’t guys who’s plush lips he’d felt beneath his own, who’s blue eyes he’d watched blink open in wonder.

“Guess so.” He concedes, shifting his eyes to the side at the admission that this isn’t the same, that this is something more, out of habit more than actual concern for what he’d see in Bobby’s face.

“He’s going to be fine.” Bobby says, voice calm and authoritative. It soothes a little bit of the swirling something inside of him. “Shard of wood ripped up his forearm pretty good, but no deeper damage.”

And Tommy looks around at their little crew again. Sure they’re all here, but there’s a lack of panic, none of the anguish he feels inside visible in any of their faces.

“I’m, uh, I’ve overreacted haven’t I?” He rubs the back of his neck, a little nervously.

“It’s never easy to hear that someone we care about is in pain,” Bobby starts, “but we’ve seen Buck go through a lot, and, at least this time he’s not coughing up blood in my backyard.” He finishes wryly.

“Yeah, a few stitches are nothing compared to surgery on a crushed leg.” Howie pipes in.

“He didn’t…he didn’t die today.” Eddie adds, although though it sounds like it pains him to even say the words.

“But none of that means you don’t get to be worried, Tommy.” Hen offers. “You just better get used to terrible hospital coffee if you plan on sticking around.” He laughs despite himself, settling into the chair opposite Hen.

“Hey, guys, good as new.” Tommy twists his neck until he can see Evan coming from behind him, as Eddie makes a skeptical sort of a cough and Evan continues almost in the same breath, “well, maybe not new new, but, good as I was when I woke up today I guess.” He finishes with a shrug and a bashful smile - one of many that Tommy is so, so, fond of. It’s almost like an act though, a routine, as if they’ve done this together a whole bunch of times before, the way Evan doesn’t even pause to take a breath. “So, Bobby, what are the chances I can persuade you to use the lights on the way back to the station? Because I am going to be so late for…oh.” He cuts himself off abruptly as he notices Tommy. Tommy who’s suddenly aware that nobody, not Eddie when he left the message, and definitely not Evan, actually asked him to come. He doesn’t know if Evan’s sudden silence is a bad thing.

“Sorry, I kind of showed up uninvited.” he offers sheepishly. “Eddie called.”

Buck smiles now, this one clearly no part of an act; soft, and bright, and genuine.

“Don’t be. It’s nice that you’re here. That you wanted to be here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He swerves to meet Tommy where he’s now standing, still rooted to the spot, and tangles the fingers of his good hand with Tommy’s. They’re warm, moving, alive, and it comforts Tommy in a way he never expected to need.

“How bad is it?” He asks quietly.

“Well,” Evan blinks up at him, eyes bright and shining, “I might be limited to using my mouth for a couple weeks. Good thing we figured out that thing with my gag reflex I guess.”

Hen chokes on air. Howie splutters. Bobby, surprisingly, simply looks mildly amused.

“Got you on the good painkillers have they, Buckaroo?”

Tommy just squeezes his ridiculous - he wants to say boyfriend? partner? he just doesn’t know if he’s earned that yet - close into to his side. One arm curved around his broad shoulders.

“C’mon, I’ll drive you home. You need to go back to the station for your stuff? Or, I can pick it up later?”

“I can drop it off,” Bobby offers, “unless there’s anything you need right now, Buck?”

He shakes his head.

“Nah, got everything I need right here.”

And it’s corny, it’s so corny. But Tommy is hopelessly charmed regardless. Evan refuses to let go of his hand to let Tommy go bring the car around, insisting that he’s honestly fine, that he can definitely walk, and, as much as part of Tommy wants to protest, the feeling of Evan’s hand in his is a comfort he’s happy to hold on to.

Evan is not a good passenger at the best of times, but Tommy’s mostly expecting him to zone out as he drives him home - out of pain or exhaustion, or some combination of both - but he’s exactly as infuriating as usual. Tommy worries, at first, that it’s irritability borne from discomfort, but he turns to watch him at every red light they hit, and his face doesn’t show any signs of it. The third time he’s slow to start driving again, too busy searching Evan’s face for signs of pain, Evan sighs and turns to him instead of making his usual comment about reaction times slowing with age.

“Honestly, Tommy, I really am okay. I promise.”

“Evan, it was enough for them to give you pain pills. It’s okay to admit you’re hurting.” Especially to me. He wants to add.

“I never said they gave me pain pills.”

Tommy’s first instinct is to argue with him, but then he thinks back, quickly replays the conversation in his mind, and Evan hadn’t actually confirmed or denied Bobby’s assumption. Which means -

“So, you’re always that open about your sex life with your whole team?” He splutters.

“I mean, yeah I kinda have a reputation for oversharing, I suppose? But, it’s not just that, not really.”

“Then what?” He prompts gently.

“I don’t know, it’s like, it’s like everyone’s just…they’re so okay with it. With me. Dating you. Which is, y’know, great, obviously. But they’re so good at acting like nothing is different. And maybe I, maybe I feel different, Tommy, and I don’t want to just pretend like it’s the same.”

“Mmm, so…you’re combatting that by telling your boss you can deepthroat now?” He raises an eyebrow as he glances over to the passenger seat, but he thinks he gets it, what Evan’s saying. That him dating a guy might not be a big deal to anyone else, but it’s significant to him, and, ridiculous as it is, this is a way for him to highlight an example of how not-the-same it is. If he’d thought about it before he opened his mouth, he’d have expected Evan to laugh it off, to throw out some joke and move on, but instead Tommy can see him start to fidget in his peripheral vision, picking at a loose thread, or the skin around his nails, Tommy can’t actually turn to look at him properly, but he’s picking at something. He reaches over to try and still him.

“At least stop using your injured arm, hey, babe.”

“Sorry, sorry. It, uh, it probably wasn’t cool for me to say that, was it? Because they know you, and I, I did not check you were okay with them knowing.”

And. Oh. He’s overthinking Tommy’s feelings instead of his own.

“Hey, no, Evan. Maybe I was a little surprised. And it’s definitely not what would pass for appropriate conversation with my captain. But if it’s not going to get you in trouble, you can tell whoever you want about how I get to have you.”

Because, really, that is all that matters to Tommy these days. That he gets to experience life with Evan - so alive and imperfect, with all his scars and his insecurities. Real. For however long they get this.

[aprillikesthings]

I only ever watched the first twenty minutes of this a couple of years ago so I'm watching this today (yes, for my fic ahaha) and will note my thoughts:

"they're AGAINST so many things but are they FOR anything?" I mean, ....some of them were

The opening scene where he's walking down the street and a bunch of hippies start walking with him and grinning is hilarious

There's a shot of a young woman who is supposedly having "a freak out" (a bad trip) being dragged into the hospital by cops, and she sounds somewhat lucid to me ("do my friends know where I am? where are you taking me??? where am I??") but also, I don't think putting her in a cop car and dragging her to the hospital was likely to improve her mental state. (All they can do is give you a bed, keep an eye on you, and maybe sedate you; tho I suspect they also just restrained people sometimes.)

they interview a doctor who says "there's no way to predict who will have a bad trip [on LSD]" but we sorta did know how to prevent them?? Set and setting was talked about for years already. That said: a lot of people of that era did in fact use it very irresponsibly, or did stupidly high doses, and even gave it to people without their consent.

"They try to live without money but still beg" I mean. yeah the problem is that you can't live without money. But some of them were trying to make money obsolete to some extent (like the Diggers).

Watching a scene recorded at the offices of the San Francisco Oracle, I can't help thinking "man those would be worth money now" (I checked ebay just now--actual print copies of original issues are in the $100 range)(I have scans on DVD, which is by far the cheapest way to own/read it)

They interview a guy working there and he says "life should be a joy, and it's a drag!" and he talks about the "absurdity" of people driving to work every day in metal boxes by themselves, and like, he's not wrong. He also mentions the "alienation of middle-class life" which again: not wrong, especially at the time. Suburban life was just so much more stifling.

"They want a group of mutual support and affection to belong to" Well yeah that's. a normal human desire?? Does Harry Reasoner think that's a bad thing?

Oh hey they cover the Diggers feeding people in the Panhandle once a day: "This feeding typifies the hippie ideal of standing apart from society by means of mutual help and love. It contains its own ironies, for the daily feed is itself dependent on the food being offered by the very society that is being rejected" jfc so much of this just has big "And yet you participate in society!! Curious. I am very intelligent" energy lol

Okay so a doctor dude calls out how hippies say they love everyone in a very general sense but are incapable of loving another specific person that "might make demands of them," and tbh I think that was sometimes true. He also talks about how many of them seem to be using LSD because they struggle with managing negative feelings (especially anger), and again: not entirely wrong. (It's worth noting that in interviews with people who'd been teenagers during the Summer of Love, there were a LOT of stories of people escaping abusive homes, including numerous accounts of CSA, which imho puts the "they do LSD bc they can't deal with negative emotions" in a very different light)

A couple of hippies point out: Y'know we do drugs in part just to increase our sensory experience, right?? Like it's great listening to music on it. You know that, right????

"LSD will damage your chromosomes!!" Thankfully, that one was disproven.

So they interview a young guy in a psych ward about his experiences with LSD, and this poor kid describes what was obviously severe social anxiety, and that taking LSD a few times cured it--he was no longer anxious that other people would reject him, because LSD gave him that (very common on LSD) effect of feeling "at one" with all people/living things/the universe, and instilled in him the concept that all humans are beautiful. "I'm not afraid of people anymore, because even if they reject me, they're still beautiful." Harry Reasoner is like "but it's fake" my dude shut up. oh my god. Harry: "but what about dangerous people?" Kid: "yeah, there's dangerous people, but they're still beautiful." Harry' just like "okay but you SHOULD be afraid of other people" and the kid's just like. Nah.

Like, they're researching using hallucinogens for treating things like anxiety NOW. Because it sometimes works!

Tbh this kid seems pretty lucid and smart. And the reason he's in there is that he "talked about God too much" so his mother had him committed.

Harry: "So tell me what God's like." Kid: "First of all God is everything, so he's like everything. He is everything. There's nothing that he isn't." This kid doesn't seem crazy to me. He's saying shit tons and tons of people have said!! Someone give him a copy of Julian of Norwich's "shewings." He's not alone.

Holy shit they interviewed this kid's mom and wow. Yeah she's just. Refusing to actually validate anything her son has said to her. "I can't describe to you the feeling that it gives you when your son says to you, 'Can't you feel it, God is everywhere...' But I told him, 'You don't see God until you die!'" Your son is saying the same shit mystics have said throughout history, lady; and he's expressing himself very clearly for a teenager. I'm not going to quote all the bullshit she says but she clearly just has a very sensitive son who had anxiety, and LSD gave him a sense of wonder at the universe, and she thinks that means he's crazy. (She does mention that drug use should be a medical issue and not a criminal one, so points to her for that; but based on what they showed, her son shouldn't have been locked up.)

They also interview a teenage girl who is there after multiple suicide attempts. She was on LSD when the people she was with sexually assaulted her, and shortly after she first attempted suicide. And again they interview the mom...who describes a textbook case of major depression after a traumatic event: "She lost interest in herself, she was very lethargic. She didn't want to do anything, even things she used to do." The girl attempted suicide two more times. Mom is trying to do the right thing, here. But again, this wasn't the fault of LSD?? It's the fault of the people who assaulted her?

God, this is heartbreaking: "When I found out, I didn't know what to say. And she asked me, 'Are you angry at me?' and I said, 'Why would I be angry [at you]?' I just didn't think this would happen. I wanted something better for her." ;_;

They bring on some doctor of neuropsychiatry who says absolute word vomit ("This is really a very serious malignant form of modern civilization which means that we no longer have the stamina to really hassle with our youngsters in a purposeful way of learning," and he keeps going! Sir, are you DRUNK?)

They go to a crash house run by the Diggers and act like giving homeless kids a place to sleep and food to eat is harming them. But you see this even NOW in cities with high homeless populations--the idea that housing/feeding them is only enabling them. (Don't even get me started that shit it makes me furious.)

They admit the hippie movement sounds real attractive to young people and openly list the reasons: "The way they dress, the way they advocate love as opposed to hate, peace as opposed to war, self expression as opposed to inhibition. All these things put them in the role of courageous and warm-hearted rebels against cold stiff square old-fashioned authority." I mean. Yeah????? I know people hate on boomers a lot, but for real, they were rebelling against pretty hardcore "conform or die" messaging from the 50's, plus the Vietnam War.

"Doctors see a universal danger in use of LSD: they feel that normally rebellious young people may be turned into emotional cripples. At a time when they should be meeting and solving problems of sexuality and personal identity, they deaden their drives with a magic pill which solves nothing. They may never grow up." This is at least half "suffering is good for you" rhetoric. Also by "sexuality" they don't mean "figure out if I'm gay" lol they mean "realize you might want sex, and therefore get married and have children."

The talk to a few people at one of the Digger crash houses. One of them is like, "I like it here. I have my own room and I cook food for everyone." She literally just....found a sense of meaning by helping people out and being around people with the same ideals as her. This is not a bad thing.

BAAAHAHAHAHA THEY GO TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD HOUSE

They admit plenty of the hippies are hard workers trying to create a better world--but because that better world is at least partially inspired by their experiences on LSD, those ideas are completely dismissed.

Look at this BABY-FACED JERRY GARCIA

Anyway the members of the Grateful Dead talk about how they do want a more peaceful world and a simple life (hahhhhh) and that, yes, most people decide to be hippies after doing LSD, but that plenty of people do it a few times and stop, because they've learned what LSD had to teach them.

They show people at a rock show, dunno where, but there's a liquid light show projected onto the stage and people are dancing, and ironically this is SUPER useful for my gd fic because I couldn't find any CROWD SHOTS from the original Fillmore or Avalon! Anyway apparently said theaters didn't sell alcohol, useful to know.

More scare-mongering about bad trips--which they admit could be brought on by being hungry and sleeping outside. (but giving them a warm place to sleep and food to eat is bad??)

OH HEY they talk about the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic. (I looked it up and TIL: They didn't close until 2019.)

Some discussion of how other drugs were starting to come onto the scene--and they show a guy slumped over on the couch at the clinic. (On a related note: for real, heroin is bad. Like the anti-drug people are actually right on that one. Don't do heroin.)

The guy who started the clinic said that a lot of the older doctors who volunteer there, themselves have kids who are hippies. So there's this need to understand their kids better and a drive to help people like their own children. "The attitude [towards hippies who need healthcare] of 'let them die' changes when it's their own kid." Yeah I bet it does.

More from the guy who started the clinic: "One thing that people don't realize is that the Haight-Ashbury is a symptom, not a cause. And that the kids are attracted to the Haight-Ashbury because of some deprivation, primarily intellectual deprivation, in their former mode of life. And I think this is why [kids from] the middle class are so intensely involved in the Haight-Ashbury: because it is a product of the middle class. It's not a peripheral movement, it is a direct reaction against the forces that control the United States. And it's not an anarchist movement*, the hippies aren't interested in any philosophy, including communism! They just want to live their own life."

(*Some of the Diggers might disagree on that one lol)

Back to Harry Reasoner: "The way the hippies want to live seems in the end to consist of childish postures. They claim they want to be left alone, but they are masters at setting up public occasions which are bound to draw attention if not interference. Just as an unruly child will act up in a way that attracts adult intervention, and then complain about it." LOLOL this is literally just "they're having fun in public and it's not to my tastes, so I don't like it." Like their example is a band playing on a fire escape and people on the street dancing. That's Wholesome, my dude; you just don't like the music or the kind of dancing. But they BLOCKED TRAFFIC OH NOES. The cops show up, the band stops, the crowd starts singing "God Bless America" at the cops, lolol. Oh and then the Grateful Dead announce they're gonna play in the Panhandle, so the crowd wanders off. The Dead then play Dancing in the Street, which even Harry Reasoner admits is funny.

"They object to the ills which beset society: social hatreds, money-grubbing, spiritual waste. But their remedy is to withdraw into private satisfactions." ....okay he's not entirely wrong there. Like, it's difficult to talk about hippies as this monolithic group that all want one thing, because that absolutely was not true. But for plenty of them, the goal was just to have a good time.

Finally, he lays out his theses:

"You can say three things about them. They, at their best, are trying for a kind of group sainthood. And saints running in groups are likely to be ludicrous. They depend on hallucination for their philosophy. This is not a new idea and it has never worked. And finally they offer a spurious attraction of the young: a corruption of the idea of innocence. Nothing in the world is as appealing as real innocence. But it is by definition a quality of childhood. People who can grow beards and make love are supposed to move from innocence to wisdom."

I.....what does that mean. Why are saints in groups "ludicrious." When was it tried before that didn't work. How the fuck does this guy define innocence and wisdom and why are they mutually incompatible??

And boy oh boy would he hate to find out that a very common idea among these people's kids/grandkids is going to be "I'm allowed childish pleasures and whimsy, as long as I pay my bills etc., if they make me happy and I'm not hurting anyone." Like, I watched this thing because I'm writing fanfiction about a cartoon (theoretically) aimed at children. Daci is downstairs playing a video game. This house has dozens of stuffed animals in it. We go to comic conventions.

Harry Reasoner would be so mad at us for doing all that stuff, instead of doing the marriage/kids/house in the suburbs thing ahahahhaaaaa

In this case, sir, the hippies won. Sorry.

[eclipse-rain]

'Awalie (Once; in the Past); Part 3

☆☆☆

- Spiders not in this fic because i literally cant handle writing any kind of redemption arc for him sry

Part 1 Part 2

Masterlist~

☆☆☆

Crawling through a vent wasnt something you thought you would ever do in your life once, nevermind twice.

As you had previously discovered the first time you went through it, the other end put you right inside the control room which was perfect for you, although not as much for Neteyam. This was because you had also previously discovered that although the vent could fit you, the same couldnt be said for your new seven foot tall friend.

This had been something you had thought about after seeing where the vent led to the first time you crawled through it though. Why else would you have risked your life to get the avatar who was guarding the door to the control room away from it?

Neteyam could get in through that way. What was even better was that he could once again be a distraction for the two who were left inside the room ; the pilot and co-pilot. While you suck in unnoticed through the vent to put what was hopefully the last part of your 'plan', to freaking hijack this spaceship, into action.

And thats exactly what you did. Okay maybe it wasnt the best idea you both could have come up with but what else were you suposed to do? The next thing you knew Neteyam had snuck in the control room door and was now grabbing all the pilots attention, while you crawled out of the vent and booked it towards the ship control panel where the pilots had previously been seated.

The good news was that the pilots were scared enough to flee the room when given the chance to by neteyam, unbeknownst to them who thought they had luckly eacaped. The bad news was that now they would call for back up. Sure Neteyam could have shot them as he brought the gun along with him, so as not to be completely defenceless, but by that point they had already pushed the emergency button on the control panel, sending warnings anew.

Locking the door to the room once they left, you both didnt waste anytime trying to find out just how many soilders would now be headed straight to this room. Now sitting in the pilots chair, you glanced above you only to see a computer screen desplaying the numbers 2169 in the corner.

"Oh fxck it really is 2169, you weren't kidding"

"See, i wasnt lying. I'm not as reckless as my brother." He laughed before becoming serious once again "Now how do we get this thing off the ground?" He asked you like you had all the answers

"How should i know? Try and find a manual or something"

"The pilots already started it though so cant you just fly it away now?"

"Well if its that easy then why dont you do it?" You scoffed, trying to figure out how to turn on autopilot. Of course you werent going to fly this thing, you had no idea how, you could guide it but autopilot would have to do the rest of the work.

"I thought all humans could fly a spaceship?"

"Of course not! Im sixteen, i cant fly a spaceship!"

"But all na'vi children can fly ikrans already by that age, isnt it like the same thing?!"

You paused for a split second, not knowing wheather to laugh or cry. You wondered if you should try slapping yourself to see wheather or not you would wake up from this absolutely ludicrous dream.

"...NO! When your sixteen you learn how to drive a car. A car! Not a freaking spaceship!"

"Whats a car?!"

"..."

"It doesnt matter!!" You shouted, getting off topic

You were both panicing now.

"Cant you do something? Anything?!" Neteyam questioned urgently, now seeing people start to gather outside of the control room door

"Im trying! Do you want us to die?!"

Hesitating, you finally layed your hands down on the steering wheel of the spaceship. You put them at two and ten like you had been taught when learning how to drive a car but the wheel was almost a completely diffrent shape.

"Well were going to either way so we might as well try it now that we've gotten this far." ; Was his reasoning to have you go along with him now that you both were here and in this situation together. A crowd of people gathered at the door now, along with even some avatars who wielded guns strapped to their person.

"Try what?" You asked him, trying to gat him to elaborate

"This!"

Suddenly Neteyam shoved his much larger hands over your own and pulled up forcefully. Shaking violently, the ship lurched high up into the air and the two of you lunged backwards with the force. You could only imagine what happened to the crowd of people outside the room after that happened, a small smile was etched onto your face in victory but it didnt stay there for long.

Neteyam, not being seated, was almost thrown to the ground had he not been clutching onto your hands on the wheel for dear life. You guessed he really didnt want to die a second time and frankly neither did you. But at this rate you werent sure if all your struggling up till now would end in a fiery spaceship crash.

"I thought you said you weren't as reckless as your brother?!" You shouted over the sound of the spaceship bursting into action

"Desperate times call for desperate measures!" He shouted back with a nervous smile

"Isnt that a human saying?!"

"I dont know, is it?!"

"Wait thats not whats important right now! Is this really the time to be having this conversation?!"

Just then the spaceship stoped traveling upwards and leveled out. A breef second of tranquillity was all it took to make your stomach lurch as the nose of the spaceship tipped towards the waves crashing up against the cliff down below, before it went barrling downwards, the both of you screaming in unison as it went.

Before the both of you ended up dead once again in a head on collision with the ground, you fumbled around once more, soon seeing a little light ding on, indicating you had hit the right button for the autopilot.

"Neteyam!"

Understanding your calling of him instantaniously, Neteyam helped you to pull the nose of the space ship up and away from the crashing waves below.

Soon you both breathed sighs of relief, thanking Eywa or whoever else that you had gotten out of that with your lives and all your limbs still intact.

~~~

Mapping out your destination was easy, for whatever reason they already had the co-ordinates of Neteyams home in the spaceship. As you rested, while autopilot took the lead with the flying, Neteyam had time to tell you why that was and everything that happened to his family and the Na'vi people.

You didnt know where you were going to go from here or what you were supposed to do to get home but one thing you were sure of was that you couldnt stay with the humans who were on Pandora. Even if there was a slim to none chance that the Na'vi where you were going would help you that didnt matter.

It wasnt just your own feelings, it was something more than that. You had been feeling it for a while now, since you woke up but you had been trying to ignore it. Your body must have been feeling wierd because of what those scientists did to you. Thats what you had thought but you even had this gut feeling that those scientists had definitely been experimented on you, even though you were asleep the whole time. Why was that? What made you so sure?

And why werent you more scared to be heading to a Na'vi settlement? You were all alone here, that was true but somehow you felt that you werent as well. That something inside of you was trying to calm you, keep you safe, guide you, for whatever reason. Maybe those experiments really had done a number on your body as well as your brain seemingly. Or maybe the adrenalin was making you delusional like how it can block out the pain.

You didnt know what was going on with you, with your family, with this world, with the humans. But you wanted to. You needed answers and for now, this was seemingly the only way to get them. Neteyam told you alot, you bet your life that the others could tell you more. It was another gut feeling to you, was it still a reckless impulse? Probably. For lack of a better word, although if you had a choice that better word you would use would be 'improvisation'.

The blaring sirens had stopped, so did the blinding red lights but the humans at the door did nothing to ease your minds. The avatars contributed to that even less so. You had made it about half way to your destination before you couldnt take it anymore. You had to get away from them and this ship now before they broke down the door.

Setting off the alarms again to give you some cover you both slipped through the vent and made your way to the exit chamber door of the spaceship, although not without a little protest from Neteyam.

"I cant fit through there"

"No time to complain, you'll be fine"

"Barely"

"Okay then stay here and perish, see ya"

*2 minutes later*

"Could you crawl any slower?!" You asked having worked reverse sicology to its finest

"You're the one who made me go through here"

"Thats because your lanky ass didnt wanna be left behind and i will leave you behind if you dont hurry up!" The two of you bickered in an attempt to push things along

With the humans still trying to get into the room behind you, it would not be long before they realised what had happened and came after you both once again.

And that they did, much faster then either of you had expected and so neither of you had any sort of plan. You both now stood with the door to the spaceship wide open, thousands of feet in the air, wind threatening to suck you out down to the watery depths below.

"So...whos going first?"

"Are you right in the head?" He asked in a panic without any parachute or any kind of machine around that would aid in a safe and swift landing

"No, what made you think that?" You retorted completely serious "I did just wake up from being brain dead so what gave you the impression that listening to me was a good idea?"

"Alright, point taken" he sighed in defeat

You heard the hurried footsteps of soilders rush towards you, guns clinking against their uniforms. There was only one option left and you both knew it.

"So....on three?" You shouted towards Neteyam over the wind

A banging on the latched door to the exit chamber you were both in swiftly coerced you into action.

"Three!" You shouted in usison, turning to each other with a nod before running and diving out of the wide open exit of the spaceship. The humans would be left with an unpleasant surprise once they managed to break down the door.

Now hurtling through the sky as the cold wind rushed passed you, you both turned to look back at the space ship.

"We should have done something before jumping, their gonna follow us!" Neteyam shouted over to you

"Dont worry! I got that covered!" You shouted back in reply

"So what did you do?!"

Just then a loud clanging of metal rang out indicating what was previously the spaceship you both were on turning into a fiery explosion of flames.

"That works!"

"Well since i had that one covered, do you have anything that could potentially make us not break every bone in our body when we hit the water?!" You questioned as you were both still free falling

"Umm.....maybe?!"

"Maybe?! Whats maybe?!"

Suddenly Neteyam brought his fingers up to his mouth and made a high pitched sound.

"Wait for it!" He shouted

"Wait for wh-?!"

Just then something bigger than you had ever seen before jumped up from the depths of the ocean.

"What the fu-?!"

Before you could say another word, it clamped down and swallowed the both of you whole, diving straight back into the ocean where it had come from, with you both in its mouth.

~~~

The first thing you never thought you would do in your life was crawl through a vent three times, the second was getting eaten by a giant sea creature that was about ten times bigger than a whale. Oh and maybe being shot and becoming brain dead and then becoming not brain dead anymore because scientists used your body for experiments. Then being brought to an alien planet, but you were asleep for all of that so this was all definitely wierder.

What could you say? Humor was your coping mechanism, another thing you shared with Jake. And you hadnt been using it enough in this obviously stress inducing situation you were thrust into.

Having been plunged into darkness you struggled with not being able to breath and the salt water stinging your eyes. Soon enough you felt arms around you and you were pulled to the surface of the ocean, seemingly now out of the sea creatures mouth and also no longer falling to your imminent death.

You and Neteyam layed your torsos onto what seemed like a huge piece of debris to catch your breath, now feeling how tired you were as the adrenaline keeping you together left your bodies. That was until the big piece of debris started moving and making clicking sounds and you almost fell back into the ocean when you screamed in fright.

"Its okay! He's friendly!" Neteyam tried to assure you

"He just tried to eat us!"

"He was saving us, i told you i had a way to stop us falling. He's my younger brothers spirit brother, his name is Pakayan"

Pakayan blew water out of one of his many blowholes in response, sprinkling you both in a light rain as if trying to confirm he wasnt a threat.

You let out a nervous laugh "Oh righttt, nice giant whale thingy" you said patting his fin but suddenly as you looked into Pakayans eye you felt an unusually serene calmness come over you

Neteyam let out a chuckle at that "He's a Tulkun, remember i was telling you about them on the ship. About how the humans were after them"

"Oh right they wanted the stuff in their brains" you remebered that converstaion as well as many of the others

"The amrita." He confirmed for you

"Right because it stops humans from...aging..."

"Mhm"

"Hey, Neteyam..."

"Yeah?"

"How..." you stuttered "...How did the humans find out that it stops them from aging...?" You questioned suddenly keenly aware of a certain fact

And with the way the boy next to you eyes widened you knew that he had exactly the same thought pattern as you.

"You dont think..." he started

Something the humans wanted to stop them from aging and a girl whos brain dead body was used for experiments.

A girl who's body didnt age.

In all that time of course she didnt age mentally but being in a comatose state couldnt have stopped her body from aging, especially for fifteen years.

Suddenly the light hearted atmosphere from earlier, of being free from the spaceship and alive, was now replaced with a chilly reality. The sun sunk behind the clouds and the water became dark and grey and murky, dropping a couple of degrees in temperature in the process.

"Y/n-" Neteyam started but a voice in the distance cut him off before he could finish speaking.

In the wide open ocean with seemingly nothing around for miles this caught you both off guard. Hauling yourself up onto Pakayans fin with Neteyam copying your movements you readied yourself for any attack crouching down behind the rest of his body.

Although you made sure to take into consideration that someone who was a threat to the two of you wouldnt announce themselves by calling out like that.

"Hey Pakayan why did you swim off like that?" The voice echoed from not to far away now, the person seemed to be approaching rather fast

But suddenly Neteyam grabbed your arm, stopping you from readying yourself to attack any possible threat.

"What?" You whispered at him

"Its my younger brother" he said with almost a slight tone of anxiety laced in his voice

"The one whos spirit brother this is?"

"Yes"

"That makes alot of sense actually" you reckoned he was nervous to see his brother again, seeing as the last time he probably watched the life drain from his eyes.

You would be too if you ever got the chance to meet either of your brothers again, it was a normal reaction. Although you werent quite sure what to do, especially since you were a human and they were the ones who killed him. His brother might think you were holding him for ransome or something like Neteyam had told you how the humans had done so to his siblings to lure out his father.

All you could do was grab his hand in reasurance and try to pull you both into a standing position on Pakayans fin. You had to briefly hold onto Pakayans body in the process to keep your balance as his fin slightly jostled in the water. You could only hope for the best in this situation.

And when you stood up and finally saw him you also saw that he wasnt alone, there were five others with him. You assumed Neteyams brother to be the one at the front since they were the same shade of blue. He was sat on a much smaller sea creature than Pakayan and behind him a girl with more of a teal blue skin colour sat with her arms around his waist.

Two boys mirroring the girls skin colour rode on two of their own sea creatures side by side, conversing before turning their attention towards us. A girl with the same skin tone as Neteyam rode on her own as well, with a child mirroring her same shade of blue holding onto her shoulders, standing up for a better view.

Silence was all there was for a painful few seconds and you sort of hoped in that moment that the sea would open up and swallow you.

"Oh shit i think im hallucinating"

"Am i the only one seeing him"

"No i see it too"

"Well we cant all be hallucinating together"

"Maybe we got sun stroke"

"We've barely been out for half an hour"

"Maybe we're dehydrated, someone get some water"

"Are they okay?" You whispered to Neteyam

"I cant take any more of this..." he whispered back "Hey skawang~ you're not hallucinating, im really here and alive" he waved turning his attention to his brother

Once again there was silence, then all hell broke lose.

"Oh my god he talked!"

"Why is their a human next to him??"

"Speak apparition"

"He's not dead you idiot"

"How do we know for sure?"

"Somebody slap him!"

"No! No! Definitely do not slap him"

"How much longer do you think this is going to go on for?" You whispered to Neteyam once again

"I'm not sure we might be dead again by the time they stop" he replied

~~~

After everyone calmed down Neteyam got to explaining how he was alive, there were tears, there were hugs and there was you standing by yourself wondering if you would ever get to reunite with your family.

"Oh and this-" Neteyam gestured to you "-is Y/n. She's the one who saved me, i probably wouldn't have made it out of that spaceship without her"

Just then you were glad that you had taken off the lab coat you had disguised yourself in when you were in the control room, that would have been a really bad look. Now you were just left in your black top, baggy cargo pants and combat boots, albet now soaked through with salt water.

Even so you felt as if Neteyam had put you under the spotlight when all heads turned in your direction. They seemingly scaned you up and down to see if what their brother and or friend told them was true.

Neteyam continued to speak once again but for your benefit this time. "Y/n, this is my brother Lo'ak-" when he gestured to him you realised you had been right in your previous assumption.

"My two younger sisters, Kiri and Tuk-" You now remebered their names from parts of the stories he was telling you when you were both in the control room of the spaceship.

"And our friends Ao'nung, Tsireya and Rotxo" he finished

He mentioned before that Ao'nung and Tsireya were the children of his new clans leaders Tonowari and Ronal, if you remebered correctly, you should probably be extra careful around them.

"It's nice to meet you all" you greeted as non-threateningly as you could, if that was even a thing

"So you really killed another human to save my brother?" Kiri asked

"Um, yes?" You answered a little caught off guard by the question

"Well i think that says enough" she replied seemingly appeased

"If both my older brother and spirit brother trust you than I will too" Lo'ak agreed

Before long they all seemed to have come to a decision to trust you for the time being after hearing what you had to say and what Neteyam had told them. But they didnt hesitate to make sure you knew that one toe out of line, one hair out of place and they wouldnt hesitate to treat you like a normal human.

Leaving from your standing position on Pakayans back, the others returned to their sea creatures which Neteyam told you they called an ilu. After they mounted them Neteyam took placement behind the Metkayina clan leaders son but not before he guided you over to sit behind the other teal skined boy. He had previously introduced him to you as Rotxo and you quickly noticed he seemed to have a keen facination with you being a human now that you were deemed non-threatening.

However, even so, soon it became apparent that, except for Rotxo, it was alot easier for the Sullys to accept you than the Metkayina kids, this was probably because they had grown up around humans and avatars according to Neteyam.

You wondered if Tommy had ended up being able to go to Pandora if he would have been one of the avatars they grew up around, but it was a useless thought. You had a gut feeling that Tommy was dead and your gut feelings were rarely wrong.

But now with you and Neteyam having come to an unsettling previous realisation another thing became more clear to you, another feeling. That feeling of relax you had felt when you had stared into that Tulkan, Pakayans, eye. How you somehow knew that he wasnt a threat to you, how you could understand the meaning in what his eye was portraying to you.

As well as the feelings that you had been having up till now that somewhat felt out of place. How you hadnt been afraid to go to a na'vi settlement, or how even if you thought Neteyams friends and siblings might lash out at you for being a human you still werent scared of them.

Your feelings that should have been there but werent and were replaced with something else, someone elses feelings. Goosebumps laced your body, you rubbed your arms in an attempt to alleviate them but to no avail.

A sound rang out in the distance as the others laughed and joked and made coverstaion all while making their way back to the place they called home.

The sound grew louder but no body else seemed to notice.

"Does no body else hear that?" You asked

Everybody now turned their attention to you, having been the first time you spoke since splitting from Pakayan and starting the journey home. They didnt speak a word only seemingly listening intently before looks were shared among them.

"I think you might be tired after everything that happened Y/n" Neteyam tried to reason

"No, listen" you urged

They did once again, but it was the same result as the first time, nothing came of it.

"You dont hear that...?" You asked breathlessly

"Hear what?" They questioned

"..."

If one stared for too long or too closely at you in that moment, even in the light of the setting sun, they might be able to make out the slight unnatural gold colour around the rims of your irises or the tips and roots of your hair that were not there before. Only if they did they never said so, perhaps that was because the next words that fell from your mouth were enough to strip all of the thoughts from their minds.

"What is it Y/n...?" Neteyam questioned, sounding worried

"The ocean...its crying."

☆☆☆

I told you guys that the last part would be a way less bad cliff hanger and that they would only get worse from here MUAHAHAHA 👹

If you guys havent voted on my recent pole (its important to me) pls do here

@thehoneymushroomhealer @corgicord @lovelyygirl8

[skayafair]

Let's talk Hilbert, Pt. 2

Now that I made it clear why I like the character so much even despite his atrocities, let's get back to the topic of why he's so compelling.

A lot of people seem to think Doctor Hilbert has abandoned his own "self", dedicated his life only to his work and his aim to save humanity (by creating a virus). That simply the fact that the only meaning he sees is in his work and not life is selfless.

Well.

To me he's selfish to no fucking end and this is FRUSTRATING because it fucked up his whole life, cut short a lot of other lives and was tragic overall for nothing. (Of course, the real reason for all this was trauma and since I don't think Wolf 359 universe is that different from ours, therapy wasn't really an option, which makes it all all the more tragic in the worst way possible - the one I hate the most, the "it didn't have to happen like this and could actually turn out REALLY good but the circumstances just didn't line up".)

Because it didn't have to be like this, shouldn't have been like this, and I hate Goddard Futuristics with passion for setting things up to feed to Hilbert's obsession in the worst way possible. I'll just copy my tags from that drafted post next because they sum it up well.

Hilbert is hellbent on his aim and has a tunnel vision, talking big about the science and logic when THIS ISN'T HOW SCIENCE IS DONE.

You don't just barrel into experiments without proper theoretical preparations! And no one in their sane mind would work on something so complex ALONE, at the very least to keep a critical mind. And this is what he failed at - he's not CRITICAL to his own work because it's so important to him. But if it IS so important he HAS to be critical and he isn't! He contradicts himself every step of the way and this drives me up the wall!

That's why I'm so hooked. This frustration - if only he could see past his own nose juuuust a little bit. What a life it might have been then.

This is just a matter of perspective. Traditionally it is understood between humans that the most value is attributed to the existence, "life", personality. But to some, their essence lives in other things still connected to them directly. To Hilbert, he amounted in his work, reaching his aim, not a personality or its existence in a human body. So in his case, threatening his research was the same as threatening a human life in normal circumstances, and threatening his life was pointless, it didn't hold any meaning on its own to him. If he could exist as an AI, he'd be the happiest probably - less restrictions in any way that matters. Ask autistic folks, a lot would agree.

However, despite all the claims of his logic and no feelings, this is always the fattest lie. Thing is, any human still has feelings. They may be almost muted, they may be warped, they may be silenced, but the fact still stands - they exist. They don't go away. You can't get rid of your "self", for better or for worse. And Hilbert toootally didn't.

He set an aim - chose a field, chose to follow this path, chose to set any attachments aside and treat people as expendable if the situation demanded so. All this was his choices, his personality. And the fact that he never doubted - no, forbade himself to doubt - his virus research and experiments? It wasn't selflessness, far from it. It was a very human, very selfish fear to be wrong. I mean this isn't suprpising - he isn't even a genius of a scientist, the plant monster and Decima failure considered. To learn that he wasted so much time, or wait, it's worse. If some 10, 20 years prior to this Haephestus mission he had a research team and they showed the virus idea wasn't warking, he could start all over again many times by now. He could have an actually working one. So the fear would be not only about time but opportunities... and in the end, it would be about his own self, his own life (which is his work), his whole essense just - wasted. Wrong. Annihilated.

Every creative person knows this fear. Every time you put a piece of yourself into a thing you create and put it out for people to see, you know this. That they can nulify it all, killing this piece of you. It's painful as is. Imagine putting your whole self into one and getting it trashed.

So no, Hilbert is not selfless. He's very much and selfishly afraid of death, only in his case the meaning of "death" is a bit different from a traditionally accepted one. And this fear has led him so, so far astray, turned his and many other lives into a tragedy.

I can't call him a coward - this is a very reasonable fear after all, and I admire his dignity and resolve. I don't justify his actions, he crossed too many lines which should have never been crossed. But it all just frustrates me so much! Because all of it could have been avoided! But the circumstances - it's always these damn circumstances.

Of course he agreed to work with Goddard Futuristics. They offered the funds and the equipment no one else did and no moral restrictions, but left out one of the most important resources - people to work with, the teammates. Hilbert isn't great with people, that much was obvious, so he wouldn't have found anyone on his own (or maybe it was even restricted). His failure was set up, which is to be expected - the podcast showed Cutter's way of handling things, choosing the ones driven into a corner and manipulating them in all details. Find a scientist obsessed with one aim and let him drown in it.

Hilbert even met people willing to throw him a life ring despite everything, but alas, it was too late. The circumstances, y'know. And he didn't even learn about that.

It's just so damn tragic when an overall okay man with a really good goal ventures off the wrong path because there was no right one in sight, and then it's just one thing pulling another in tow, and he drowns.

I've seen a few people mentioning how Hilbert just doesn't agree to be redeemed, and I think it's not just that. This road was simply closed to him and he saw that clearly. He couldn't walk it, not with the way he is... was. Too much has already been done and there was no turning back. His personality wouldn't have let him. Moreover... his redemption, for him, was probably his virus finally working, and nothing else. The rest just wasn't alowed to matter enough.

And he cared. Despite all the big talk about no attachments and no feelings, he tried to minimize the damage the best he could, but one person can only do so much. Too bad there weren't more to help.

And he even admitted to the fear of being alone. Of the door waiting for him in case he was the only one left again - this would mean he lost another crew, another group of people who shouldn't have died - not in general, not because of him. Another failed try, another number of years wasted. And loneliness, again. The doctor didn't engage in the crew's shenanigans just because. The feelings are there, hide however you want.

Eiffel and Lovelace gave him "Humanity 101", but I really don't think there was a need. Humanity is such a wide spectrum.

[betterfettered]

a request 🥹

do any of the brothers have a blood/cutting kink? how would they react if mc cuts their name into their flesh? be it out of sh or obsession?

Hello 🥹 anon!! Sorry for the late reply, my life is chaotic and nonproductive energy lolll. I also do not have much experience with this kink, so I just did my best with it and hope you enjoy it!!

(Gn!reader x AMAB!yandere)(blood, self harm, cutting)(character disapproval of sh)(18+ readers only please, mdni)[This is fetish content and abuse is disgusting and inexcusable in real life.]

Yandere!Lucifer does indeed have a blood kink, be it from cutting or anything else, because the thought of causing someone enough pain to draw blood appeals to him like nothing else since he's a sadist. However, he is extremely measured and intentional in his practice, and would never take it upon himself to do blood play because it would always seem like going too far: humans are fragile and he doesn't want to hurt you too badly. Actually seriously harming you is the stuff of his nightmares. However, if you initiated the blood or cutting play he would be in heaven (would that be a bad thing in this context?? 🧐). If you carved his name into your flesh, he would be quite pleased, and ask just how far you're willing to go to prove your devotion to him, because his penmanship with a knife is far better...

Yandere!Mammon would be extremely freaked out by this. He wouldn't even pause to think about how much devotion this implies, he's focused on getting you medical attention immediately. He wouldn't be able to understand why you did something like that. However, he would be extra clingy and coddling while you were recovering and check in on you constantly out of worry.

Yandere!Leviathan would also be freaked out by you carving his name into your skin, but he's seen enough anime that he can understand the significance of the gesture. He'd be wide eyed and completely in awe of you, and become even more subby than he is already (canonically!!!) Implied to be, asking what he should do next. Should he lick the blood? Carve his own skin with your name? Bandage you up? It won't necessarily make him horny, but it would deepen his connection to you.

Yandere!Satan absolutely has a whole blood kink and a half, to the point that his name in your flesh would be intoxicating and dizzying. The smell and sight of blood would drive him crazy, so expect to be fucked particularly frantically and have your blood smeared everywhere. Once this door is open, though, it's not shutting again, so expect blood play to be a semi regular part of Satan's fixation on you.

Yandere!Asmodeus does not have a blood kink and would be horrified at the thought of the scarring that would be on your skin. At first. Once he had some time to contemplate it though, the thought of you being so in love and obsessed with him that you permanently scarred your body with his name would be extremely flattering and arousing. That's why he loves you! You're able to understand how perfect he is like no one else can. He might ask you to make yourself bleed again for him, this time while he watches and strokes himself to your devotion.

Yandere!Beel does not have a blood fetish, and he can't understand your reasons for doing something like this. If you love him, why don't you just fuck him or feed him? What does bleeding and hurting yourself have to do with it? Because of his protective nature, you cutting yourself would stress him out quite a bit, and potentially make him more controlling. He already doesn't let you outside, but now you're limited in what he'll let you have inside until you promise him you won't do it again.

Yandere!Belphie has a blood fetish, and its a general threat to your wellness. Seeing his name in your skin, he'll mock you. You're not "Belphegor", so why are you labeled with that? You should be labeled with "Belphegor's braindead slut" instead. Here, let him help you fix it. The more you scream, the more he'll tease you, asking if you're really devoted to him and why you're crying when he hasn't even begun to really hurt you yet. He acts cruel, but if you beg him for mercy he'll stop and clean you up and put bandages and everything. It's not like he *hates* you (unless he does hate you, in which case he's not stopping til it seems like you may die).

LOLLL I hope you like it! I did like 2 hours of research on this kink so I hope it turned out well or I'm 💀💀

[soulofamy]

i would honestly go as far as to say that project soul would be missing a really good opportunity by NOT pairing maxi and setsuka up tbh. yes i know that they have never met before but hear me out

first and foremost, both of them had their families taken from them and are now on revenge quests. both travel solitarily in order to accomplish those quests. and then if you want to bring the old timeline into it, both of them actually accomplished their quests and then realize just how unfulfilled and lost they feel now that they dont have revenge driving them. they both decide to create drastically different lifestyles for themselves in order to find new purpose, with maxi becoming a hermit in the mountains with edge master in order to reign in the evil inside him and setsuka moving all the way to turkey, changing her name, and adopting any orphan she can find

in the old timeline though, i think that they both suffer from a storytelling perspective because yes they have interesting story going on but project soul really has no way to tell us about it because they are both traveling by themselves. whenever we see maxi its always with kilik and xianghua, which canonically makes no sense because he was separated from them for so long and didnt remember them anyway.

i think it would actually make so much sense and be to the benefit of both characters to have them meet, travel together, and then eventually form attachments to each other. i think on the surface they would work well together because maxi would find setsukas origin to be so fascinating. maxis whole entire thing before his family died was adventure and becoming worldly and well traveled. setsuka quite literally embodies all of that in the circumstances of her birth. and then setsuka can take comfort in maxi because maxi, unlike everyone else, would not regard her as a freak. she might actually be able to take comfort in the fact that he admires her for what makes her unique

then when we go deeper into what would make them work so well, i just imagine that they would be able to sympathize with each others motivation so well. they would validate each others desire for vengence and probably even help each other out. maybe if theyre in town and maxi hears whispers of mitsurugis whereabouts he could tell setsuka about it as a plan for where they travel to next. maybe they train together to keep their fighting skills sharp.

but i also dont think that a pairing between them would be complete sunshine and rainbows either. if they go down the path of maxi spiraling because of the soul edge shard inside of him again like they did in the last timeline, i imagine that it becomes a bit volatile as time goes on. maxi just kinda becomes aggressive without meaning to be or is so bent on his own revenge quest that he neglects her. ultimately i do think that they would separate because of it, which would still allow them to each go on their own paths (maxi being a hermit, setsuka moving to turkey). but then when all the dust has settled and maxi and setsuka could both be a healthier place where revenge is no longer their motivator and instead, training and guiding the next generation is, i think that they could eventually come back together and be happy

anyway thats just how i would personally do it, im curious to hear what other people think

[pinkyjulien]

Okay now I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon of the prev ask about Valentin's and Mitch's first meeting 👀 how does his story continue with Takemura (if at all?) Does he track Valentin down, and how, or is what follows immediately after being saved and stable again also diverging from canon? (I just love the image of Goro showing up all dusty and exasperated at the nomad's camp like "There you are!! Fucking finally!" XD)

AAAAAHHH FHF Eating you UwU

They DO meet up properly eventually! 👀 (more old screenshots being used to illustrate here hfhf)

After getting his bullet extracted, Val stayed a couple of days at camp; he couldnt really do much in his state, plus the caldos wouldnt just simply let him go like that

Mitch and Scorp were keepin an eye on him, they were responsible of him after all; if Val turned out to be a danger to the clan, they would've finished the job, succeeding where Dex failed

Val eventually woke up, and he was asked a couple of basic, straight forward question by Mitch; his name, where he's from, and what happened. Val didnt lie, but he also didnt mention the whole -arasaka- thing. He might be a gonk, but he's not dumb; saying that his failed gig was an heist on Arasaka, when every radios and tv stations been blasting about Saburo's death for the path days wouldnt be a smart move fhksjgj

It was all over the news- and Dex probably left Night City too (< at that time he wasnt aware Takemura killed him yet. Dex took Goro to the dump, only to find it completly empty. He got popped before he could swear he left him here hfjd)

Infos and Rumors goes around extremely fast in NC, especially between fixers, so Dexter departure/disappearance and Saburos death wasnt a coincidence at all; so was Jackie's and Valentin's potential death. (Jackie being confirmed dead cause he sent his body to his fam, but people had no idea where Val was)

He had to get back to NC, to Viktor, Misty- his friends, the only people he had left over there

That night at camp, Valentin experienced the Johnny Night TM; of course, he freaked out, screaming and talking "to himself" - Ripper wasnt far, knew the screams where coming from the nursery and quickly gave injected him some tranquilizer

In the morning, not sure whatever happened was a dream or not, he asked Mitch and Scorp (not friends yet, but the only guys he knew around) if someone could drive him back to NC- Dakota was still around and since she had to go back to her Garage soon, he could tag along and she'd get one of her guy to drive him to Vik's

During the drive, he explained to Dakota what happened, from the heist, the relic, Jackie- ans the weird dreams he's been getting (she's like a mother figure to him, a trusted friend)

She didnt liked any of that and pressed him to get checked properly asap, hoping this might be a virus that can get easily wiped out

Once at Vik, everyone was happy and relieved to see him alive "and well", but it quickly changed when Viktor took a closer look, obviously

He also mentioned that a guy, kinda sus looking, came in looking for him the day before. Said he could help him if he ever show up. (Takemura is a resourceful guy, I'm pretty sure he could pin down V's main ripperdoc to ask questions- and Viktor, knowing that Jackie did die, would trust Takemura's story and information since it correlate with what Vik knows)

So they make contact and eventually meet up at Tom's Diner like the canon timeline 👁👄👁

Despite all the years its still a ROUGH MAP AND TIMELINE FHJSJF that I really need to properly put down 💀💀 BUT YEAH FHDJ

Thank you friendo for the ask!! 🤗🧡🧡

[grittyreadsfic]

happy hockey big bang to those who celebrate! i have once again had the chance to create secondary works for a couple of incredible fics, like in love, or whatever.

i really wanted to build a playlist with songs that feel like summer and the shore, and capture those feelings the same way this fic did. you can find the playlist here and you can see the track listing below the cut with some key lyrics pulled out

I'm a sucker for an aching heart / Gotta suffer for the sake of art / And I want you cause you make it hard

foolish one - taylor swift

Oh, you haven't written me or called / But goodbye screamin' in the silence / And the voices in my head are tellin' me why

enough for you - maisie peters

And that hole in my chest gets a bit bigger / And it dawns on me / All the things that I couldn't see / It was perfect as long as it wasn't real

that was then - emily james

We were a summer kissed red but oh that was then / And this is now

(un)lost - the maine

I'm not looking for anything in particular / But I'm far more desperate than you think

maybe dont - maisie peters (ft jp saxe)

Yeah, I run from the things that I want the most / You said, "I get that's what you do, but maybe don't."

i left a party for you - pilar victoria

I know how you feel, if this is real, what do I do?

closer - tegan and sara

Here comes the breath before we get, a little bit closer / Here comes the rush before we touch, come a little closer

in the movie version of this fic i directed in my head while reading it, this song would be playing softly in the background of the arcade while luke shows trevor how to play pinball

i wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath / I don't wanna be your friend

generally, i try to do songs from the perspective of the pov character, but this song just felt so trevor in the fic that it had to make the cut

hurt - sasha alex sloan

I freak out every time we get closer / Cause I'm scared that it's just gonna hurt

treacherous - taylor swift

And I just think you should, think you should know / That nothing safe is worth the drive / And I would follow you, follow you home

harry and sally - taylor bickett and charlie pittman

Cause it isn't killing me we're not in love yet / We're just in the part, we're just in the part / Right before we figure it out

i saw your face - emily james

We could sit in silence / While this feeling finds its space / Keep the moment gentle / As it settles into place

the reasons - the weakerthans

I know you might roll your eyes at this / But I'm so glad that you exist

technicolor - sainte

Fell into you like the sea / You broke my fall / And you pulled me deep / I think that you should know this uncertainty has got me restless / Counting myself to sleep

millhouse - maisie peters

But in you, darling, I trust / Oh, everything's coming up Milhouse

love in real time - the maine

I've never felt so / Comfortable / In the middle of the summertime / Working on our / Love in real time / Making all this / Love in real time

[secretariatess]

So.

I have had four laptops in my time. I am on my fourth laptop.

The middle two laptops were a joke. I got them because they were HP and my first HP laptop was good enough for me to like the brand to stick with it. But the hard drives kept having issues, and both of them had issues with the hinge popping out of the base. The second HP laptop went because the hinge wouldn't stay glued and my last attempt ended up pinching a wire to the screen. It would give me a cracked screen effect and not work. The third laptop had to have the hard drive replaced a couple of times (as did the second) and when it started showing signs that there was an issue with the hard drive again, I said screw it. I was going with a gaming laptop because with the expenses I was putting into those cheaper laptops just to keep a good hard drive going, I might as well splurge on something that can handle more. Also, light up keyboard.

But my first laptop.

Mind you, I've kept all the laptops. One will be going to my nephew so he can pull it apart and put it back together. The third is used to prop up the fourth, and is kind of a back up I don't want to use because it's so freaking slow.

My first one, though?

I had to get a new laptop. My first laptop is now ten years old. When I replaced it, it was dead pixeling if you didn't have the screen in a very specific spot, the battery was dead so it worked on charger only, the keyboard was in need of a very good clean, and closing and opening the lid was a procedure because the hinge kept getting banged up because of the way I would carry it (it would knock into door frames). It still worked, but it needed to be hooked up to a monitor if you wanted to see what you were doing. It lost the ability to be portable.

Mind you, that's the reason it had to be replaced. It didn't stop working. It just couldn't be moved around anymore. It had to be treated kind of like a desktop.

It runs Windows 8 and hasn't had an update in years. It's probably too old for Edge, so it still has Internet Explorer on it. For some reason, probably because it's old, it won't load up Civ VI. It now has a broken fan it tells you about before you can go to the login screen. Every time you turn it on.

It still runs faster than the third laptop. It's never had a hard drive replaced. It was cheaper than the middle laptops and has more processors. I'm pretty sure the CD drive still works.

A couple of weeks ago, though, I thought I ended its existence.

I accidentally spilled root beer on it. Liquid and sugar- the death of computers, right?

When the spill first occurred, it could turn on, but I was like, "That's because the damage hasn't settled yet." Within a couple of days, I noticed that the charging light was spazzing, as though it wanted to indicate the computer was plugged in and getting power, but it couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. Laptop wouldn't turn on.

Ah well, I thought. I have been thinking of getting a tower, so I'd have more space for games and video editing programs and whatnot.

Today, I noticed that the charging light was solidly on.

????

Must be a fluke.

Pressed the on button anyways.

Computer turns on.

EDSR;OGAIHSR;GLAKDN;AOIDRNSG'Asdg????????

Now this is likely a false alarm, since I don't have it plugged into the monitor, so I don't know how far it can actually go and what kind of damage it sustained, but.. . .

IT TURNED ON????

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!!!

[inventedfangirling]

I have another theory that came into my head rn that i need to share and you liked my other „thought“ so here we go 😭 i saw a few people talking about the „death and funeral talk“ sand and ray had in the last ep. And now i can‘t stop thinking about how ray asked sand if sand would sing that one song by micro at his funeral. Some people saying this is foreshadowing that one of them will die, but what if rays obsession with this one song came from the fact that this song played while rays mom was dying or something like that. I mean in one of the first episodes ray said to sand that the music he was playing are the old vinyl records from his mom.

Oh i don‘t know if my writing make sense and if my thought makes sense. And sorry in advance, english isn‘t my first language. 😭

okay first of all thankyou for sharing this with me🌻

second of all your english is perfectly fine, and more importantly as long as it gets the point across thats all that matters imo🥰

and to respond to what you said, more than anything, to me, it was that very request of singing micro by ray that made me freak out initially, i was convinced they were gonna kill off ray...but when i rewatched it, i focused how sand also talks about not wanting to die and wanting to fulfill his dreams and thouhht OHNO theyre gonna take my boy away😭

and then you came along and gave your alternate explanation to what could possibly have warranted first gushing about khao's acting in the finale and it not only made total sense to me but also gives me far more mental peace so now im choosing to live in that headcanon hehe so thank YOU

and also i feel like yes for sure micro has something to do with ray's mom but i do not think it was playing while she lay dead cos that would have been such a traumatic memory for ray and he would NOT be singing that song with such joy and light heartedness if that was indeed the bgm to him seeing his mom's dead body.

so im thinking it must have been playing on one of the few occasions in ray's childhood when his mom found time and energy to spend with him. one rare afternoon where he got to spend time having fun with his mother, where he didnt feel like a burden, where she genuinely looked at him with fondness and love.

maybe one of his only few good memories with her. micro could have been playing while that was happening. this is more plausible imo.

but ofc i can think of an extreme possibility where micro was playing while he saw his mom's body but his brain wasnt processing that it was that song that was playing.

and maybe a few weeks later he finds himself humming it and he decides to play the vinyls again to find where this melody came from...he feels good humming it (and if i again make a few more leaps this could be because even though he didnt consciously register it, this song did play on one of the last few times he got to see his mother. maybe just that fact bound the song to his memories in a way that went beyond logic and reason, its not like things like that cant happen either) and he wants to know what song it is and ever since then he has been fond of it for some inexplicable reason he cant quite put his finger to.

i went back to ep 2 to check if ray talked about this song being his favourite or anything and i saw something and now you have to see it too

??????????????

i was NOT ready for that

i mean ofc its a normal thing to say when somebody is poking you while driving but still in the context of it all it freaked me out!!

and alsooo i found that the lyrics that he sings here actually goes well with my theory of ray's brain subconciously registering the song as what was playing the last time he saw her and now im shook cos GET A LOAD OF THIS->

its like ray's brain telling him to forget the traumatic memory (and by extension his past) and let go, but also at the same time, its also desperately holding the memories close and not letting him forget either!!

ofc the rest of the song might say something else entirely i do not know about that, but this really does strike a chord with ray's story imo.

anyways wow i did NOT expect to write this much, nor that i would be making these many interesting leaps, connections and discoveries along the way so thank YOU for prompting this all💕

hoping that our worst fears about the character's fates dont come true...hope that ray can forget, that he can let go after processing his emotions and actually go on that tour around the world with sand 🥺✨️

[mortallyclearwonderland]

''This Is The Thanks I Get?!'' - Wish

''This is the thanks I get?!'' is the movie's villain song. I'm going to be honest. Out of all the songs so far this is my favorite. But from what I saw it's also the one with the most dislikes. My best guess is that people were excited and had high expectations about the new villain song since the last one was ''Shiny'' from Moana, 7 YEARS AGO! What also probably upset people is that despite being a ''Disney villain song'' it lacks a lot of the same punch. It's trying to be like ''Mother Knows Beast'' where the villain is being manipulative and tries to pass of as the good guy. I'm going to judge the song for what it is, not for what I wish (wink wink) it would be. Just a heads up, it does pretty poorly.

The song is very repetitive with the ''this is the thanks I get'' being sang over and over. It's a rule at this point that the name of the song will be repeated many times in the song or that it will be named after whatever is repeated in the song the most, whichever comes first. But a whole freaking chorus?! At least Chris Pine sings it a bit differently each time.

Speaking of annoying repetition, the whole ''tu tu tu'' is driving me crazy. I mentioned it in one of my previous posts that I hate when writers put some sounds for singer to sing because they couldn't be bothered to come up with real words to put into their song. It's lazy and feels like padding. It's not a song in a club that you can bob your head to. It's a song in a musical. Tell a story! Unlike Chris Pine singing ''this is the thanks I get'' differently every time, ''tu tu tu'' is sang always the same. And lastly, who the hell is singing that part? Just because it's a musical it doesn't mean that singing comes out of nowhere. Usually the bad guy sings solo or with his/her minions.

Awkward modern talk that is showing up in all the songs. Examples include ''rent free'' and ''prob''. This is supposed to be a medieval kingdom. I don't expect them to speak like Shakespeare but come on! It sounds so cringe and will age the movie like milk.

Contradiction! Magnifico granted 14 wishes last year but Asha in ''Welcome to Rosas'' said he grants one wish every month. Does a year in Rosas has 14 months? How did no one noticed that?

Another problem I found with the song is how it's less singing and more talking rhythmically.

There's a moment in the song when Magnifico starts going crazy evil and you might get excited about how the song might progress but it's interrupted with ''Where was I'' because we were getting too serious, so we interrupt it with MCU like joke. After that the song goes back to its previous monotone rhythm.

The song tries to build up some excitement again with evil high strings and Magnifico screaming (which sounds good) and a cheesy echo but it's too late. They had an awesome build up and squandered it. There is no walking it back.

This is the problem with all those songs. There seems to be beginnings and endings to those songs but for the most part they just meander around in the same tone, tempo, instruments and every time something resembling a build up or a change of pace occurs it's right back to how it was sang before.

It's a boring repetitive song just like all the others but is the most hated because people had high hopes for it. But to be fair, I don't think a villain song that sounds actually evil is too demanding. Especially when people were very clear about what they want for years.

Special thanks to toaverse for discussing Wish with me.

[heartofspells]

It's the middle of the week post a wip

ON IT

Thanks for the tags, @pinkluminesce and @spikybanana! I think you both killed me in very different but equally wonderful ways with those snippets.

Once again from YOU (or whatever it'll be called) because it's devouring my brain far too quickly.

--

"You're good at that," praises James, only a little demeaning. "The people pleasing. You've got this voice, but it's not your normal voice. It's like…affected or enhanced or something." When Remus turns to look at him with a frown, James is grinning, his eyebrows waggling behind his glasses. "That's a compliment, Lupin. You should take it. You likely won't get many around here for a while."

"How did you do that?" asks Remus before he can stop himself. When James regards him with bemusement, Remus motions to the computer with his head. "The calendar. I can't get it to cooperate with anything I try to do."

"It's not hard," says James with an easy, dismissive shrug. "You just have to bully it a little, make it do what you want."

"That doesn't seem logical," mumbles Remus under his breath, feeling his frustration rise again as he tries to repeat James' process and fails. "Who designed this thing?"

"No idea. S'pose Benj isn't being the best teacher? Not surprising. He probably won't be." Turning to look at him again, James cocks his head at Remus. "He really is nice enough. He and Sirius went to uni together, then Sirius pulled him along for all of this. He's brilliant at what he does here, and while he's a bit tight-laced around the edges, he's mostly easy to get along with once you loosen him up a little, but there are other obvious issues getting in the way of things like this."

At Remus' deepening frown, James leans forward with a scoff.

"What, you can't see it yet?" he questions, voice dropping lower, nearly a whisper. "Benjy's in love with Sirius. Now, whether Sirius sees it and chooses to ignore it or he's completely oblivious to it, I've no idea, though I'd guess the latter because he's not said anything and he tells me everything, always has. And I do mean everything." James pins Remus with his hazel eyes, something almost threatening in his gaze before it fades as though it was never there at all. "Because of that, anyone new that comes in here that might redirect Sirius' focus away from him becomes an instant threat to our dear Benjy, so he's unkind and, honestly, a rude prick. You'd might as well get used to it now."

Remus' gaze shifts up towards the closed glass of the window, angling towards the hallway where Sirius and Benjy are stowed away from sight.

So that's your game. I have to admit, it makes sense, and really, who wouldn't fall in love with that after watching it all day long. All it took for me was one glimpse and I was gone. Saying Sirius has a mystical power over people is an understatement, but this won't do, Benjy. Sirius and I are kismet, written in the stars as clearly as his name.

James shakes his cup again next to Remus' ear.

And I swear to christ, Sirius, if your friend rattles that bloody cup of his one more time, I'll shove it so far down his throat that he'll be forced to breathe through its straw for the rest of his life. What does he even keep in it all the time? Probably some sort of ridiculous protein shake that doesn't work and is a waste of money. I bet he's a health freak, because why wouldn't he be? Cocky and arrogant, driving around in the largest penis on earth, but of course he's body conscious –

"Where the hell did you just go?" interjects James into Remus' thoughts, breaking him out of them with a jolt. He eyes Remus for a few seconds before grunting. "That's creepy, mate. Really, it is."

Tagging: @narcissa-black-supermacy (obligatory) @maybebabyplease @demidreamer @in-flvx @greenvlvetcouch @quietlemonhush