#again. not what im supposed to do. but what else am i gonna do??????
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Hmmmmm I love being mentally ill
#manager told me yesterday 'i really need you to work on greeting people'#so i finally said smth about my anxiety#(i haven't said anything in the last few weeks he keeps bringing this up but i have told him a few months ago)#but i said basically 'i know and im trying but i have bad anxiety and its been getting worse the last few weeks'#and he said. pretty much. 'ok yeah i get it. just do it anyway tho.'#which is basically what he said before#like??? bro i would LOVE to just do it. just get over it and deal with it. that's not how it works tho#he was like yeah well you dont have to talk much just say hi welcome#YEAH MAN!!! maybe that would tell you how bad the anxiety is!!! bc ive been struggling with that!! that is apparently so simple and easy!!!#so he hasn't said anything yet today. not many customers have been in yet.#i asked one person who was looking at the case if they wanted anything#and ik he saw me do that#and someone else came in and i looked up and smiled and he said hi to me first and i said hi back#which is still not what im supposed to do lol but its a lot for me#but i dont think the manager saw that#so :)) apparently he stayed late yesterday so hes leaving early tomorrow#hey king why dont you leave early today#also. my ingredients are ordered but not here. so im just making stuff that hasnt been ordered#again. not what im supposed to do. but what else am i gonna do??????#ALSO. yesterday i thought i was running low on cake boards. so i ordered them. today i find them in the back#i went to take it off the order. they already bought them. whatever ill use them eventually#but that was why other stuff didn't get ordered soon enough bc i could've sworn there was more. then i realize there's not#so this time i assume there's not more. then there is. and now we're gonna have a bunch extra#WHATEVER!!!#i have to go back now ive been in the bathroom too long skfhks#she was a baker girl
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if I like booked out a hardcore therapist for 24 hours and just went to them with a list of everything wrong with me would they be able to fix me y/n
#I know nothing is linear and things take time and whatever but god I would love to like not be broken like this#I’d love to know what is wrong with me and why I’m like this and how to get BETTER#how to not be. this#because genuinely sometimes it feels like I’m completely broken and just holding together the pieces with tape#surely life shouldn���t be this hard#surely I shouldn’t struggle this much#surely this shouldn’t be how I have to live#just pushing through by the skin of my teeth all the time#in 2020 I reached an all time low and I. did not think I would survive the year#and I’m so scared that I’m gonna get that low again#I can’t do that again#but I just#keep on trucking#because literally what else am I supposed to do#IT’S LITERALLY THE FIRST OF CHRISTMAS AND IM HERE FEELING LIKE A SACK OF SHIT I HATE IT HEREEEEEE
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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YALL A GIRL BOUGHT ME A DRINK YESTERDAY AND I GOT HER NUMBER!!!!
#oni talks#thoughts#idek what else to tag this as but like#raaahhhhbim so excited and happy!!! we swapped Spotifies too and she even asked my sign#also we’re getting together again this Friday! also I’m technically supposed to find other stuff for us to do but im indecisive/unsure what#All she’d like yet?? also I wore like 6inch heels and barely came up to her height#she was so nice and cool!!! and we’re in the same/similar situation!!#also she actually takes some level of initiative which like idk if yall have noticed but that’s lowkey RARE AS FUCK#my one regret that night (aside from the man that broke my purse) is that I forgot what artist she asked me about#it’s funny I was originally gonna leave early but then she appeared!!!#I don’t wanna be TOO hopeful bc it’s early but like!!! I have so many activity ideas!!#also this is really hammering in that I desperately need to clean and organize my place omfg#coz how tf am I gonna invite her over for shit if it’s like this aahhh#also I hope she likes the music I sent/is on my account aahh#she texted me as soon as she left that she wanted to hug me and I just AAAAHHHHHH
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baby, you need to leave, 'cause i'm getting drunk on your noble deeds it doesn't matter that they don't get done when i feel this cold, they're like the fucking sun
lil oc doodle bc i dont feel like writing atm
#lameart#doodle#my ocs#her hair is supposed to be darker but again i went crazy w the luminosity (yall know...)#I FORGOT TO DRAW HER BRACELET fhdsfghsjfgs#its fine it doesnt matter im the only one who cares#i wAS gonna draw smth else but then i ended up drawing this instead so. it is what it is ig#idk what im gonna do when (if. when) my books get published#like. am i gonna have to delete these. idk. who cares
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SORRY TO TAKE SUCH A HARD LEFT BUT HOW DO YOU THINK JO FOUND OUT ARAKAWA WAS DEAD
IM GOING TO SCREAM IF I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOOOOO I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU IN 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS WITH THAT ONE............
#snap chats#id shit and cry if aoki was the one that told him in a condescending/bitchy way yk what i mean#like as if to jab at jo like 'oh dont worry about dealing with dad- since you were too incompetent to do it i had someone else handle it'#not that word for word im SURE but yk what i mean. just GENERALLY thats the energy#the timing of this ask is soooo funny i was just talkin to my twit friend bout arasawa#and how youve been inspiring me to draw it more again as of late and this is NOT helping !!!! i am ADDING IT to my LIST#cause i want to be in pain i guess (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ`) I JUST SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD EGUUUGHH#im still gonna chew on the idea of How tho im still gonna chew on it cause i have other stuff lined up Obvi but..... OUGH PAIN...#verrrrry awkward when i post a thing in liek an hour cause that shit gon be a lil cute so then i just got this in the back of my dome ☠️☠️#thank you........#throwing up as i remember aoki being like 'you're acting strange lately' brb#OUUGHHGH dying.#LIKE IM JUST THINKIG OF ALL THE EMOTIONS JO WOULDVE BEEN FEELING- /ESP/ IF HE WAS IN FRONT OF AOKI#how would he even cope... i mean judging by the eye scene Not Well butu OUUGHvLKJVALKJ#ITS THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS AGAIN CAUSE LIKE he SHOUULDNT care as much as he does right...#arakawa was just his boss... but if THAT was the case why not take him out when jo was first asked too.....#aoki is his priority in life right...... arakawa wasn't supposed to be anyone important BUT THEN HE DID BECOME IMPORTANT#making myself throw up#anyway this is why jo shouldve been allowed to rip tendo to shreds. in my humble opinion. <- sobbing#NAWWW IT THE WAY I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH MY SIS RIGHT AFTER THIS WELKFJALFKJLKVJ#I CANT BE NORMALLLLL
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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I think I want to pull out my tarot deck
My old one. Not the new one I haven't opened yet. I need the comfort of an old friend.
#speculation nation#im gonna eat breakfast first. and have some caffeine. my head is Killing me.#but for after. i just think it'd help me to see what the cards have to say.#theyre great at telling things to me straight. not sugar coating. but then giving me helpful advice#it feels constructive. and i think i need that support rn.#condolences are nice. but i want something that makes me feel like i have direction again.#maybe while im at it i'll break out the new cards too. just to have both sets in front of me.#i dont have anything else to do today. besides chores lol. i probably should try to do the dishes and take out the trash.#i was supposed to yesterday... and then i didnt...#i certainly am not focusing on writing with my head feeling like this. so. to tarot i go.#maybe i'll play a video game or smth too. we'll see...
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LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND
#mine#🎸#vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever#the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH#why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS#i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work#idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to#learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW#love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!!#if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!!#if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this#so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just#make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do#and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely#i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_–#everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings#if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this#im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane
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ngl, just using tumbl more has actually been doing me some good, i wa crashing out and completely stopped doing the little things that make me happy, like yapping with fellow fans of shit, listening to music, bird watching and tree hugging and shiz. like ... man ... I was losing myself frfr, lemme get back in these discords and aminos and shit. watch some adventure time and bluey and dead end paranormal park and stuff. t h a t s the self care i been missing frfr.
#i be forgetting enjoying my special interests is as essential as air#like#my quality of life goes down fr when i haven't watched some adventure time in too long#i start forgetting who I am when i don't indulge in philosophy for too long#i need these things they help me maintain my health fr#that's a big thing about being in mental facilities and shelters#you lose so much autonomy in not just big ways but the little things#I can't wait to be able to control my own thermostat again or lights or be able to get up a 3am and go for a walk and go to sleep with my#phone on the charger next to my pillow playing music out loud and like sleep in my cute clothes and be a girl openly and do witchcraft in my#own environment and just fucking be myself#there's no room for that when you're in that down bad arc#beggars can't be choosers rhetoric be having people in my position giving up identity and shit#like im currently masked tf up at this Christian men's recovery shelter and rehab center#they serve slop and theirs no privacy and just no room to be a fucking human#that's what really motivates me to be an activist#i feel like that's where im supposed to be#that's where my input is needed#i feel like#i have faith in everyone else#like o feel like the person that's gonna change the whole game championing trans rights or anti-racism is already out there on their come up#my place is not to help neurodivergent awareness and like better the mental health and crisis resources systems and shit#idk i wanna spread knowledge about just how ADHD and OCD and ASD and shit actually work and that's its more than being distractible or#germaphobic or fitting into one of two stereotypes (sheldon cooper or the girl from music)#*my place is but to help not *not* that was a typo#but yeah i wanna do that but also to help make shelters and psych wards places you actually like to be while you're there#like a better business bureau (hard word jfc) but that actually matters and makes a real difference#so i guess i wanna be a mental health activist? is that what that'd be? maybe with a touch of rights activist?
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#elias.zip#sorry all I've been lately is a fucking piece of shit and thr maot disgusting thing to ever grace earth. i feel so numb. nothings going righ#t. this job thing is fucking me up so bad and it shouldn't and other people in my life have it worse and im complaining about nothing and#struggling over nothing and im so tried I don't want to call back. i don't want to take the offer#i jsut want to go back to sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep. sleepsleepsleepsleep. sleep till 5 p.m. est and then go right back to sleep. i dont wa#nt to do anything. nothings going to work out for me. the one thing that i know would make my life better is never going to happen because I#cant do anything right and its gonna get noticted soon enough and I'll be alone again and isolated. I'm so fucking isolated. i just want a#community I feel a part of. i just want anything. why dont i get to be happy. haven't i suffered enough? haven't i given enough?? i don't kn#ow what else I'm supposed to give up. my skin? my flesh? my heart? my ribs? what do you want. What do i need to do to be free?#why is it so much easier for everyone and why am i so fucking broken. you can't fix me. might as well throw mw away!!#peopel dont want me. jobs dont want me. my family doesn't want me. no one does. i ruin all my friendships and i can't be normal and good and#i always always fuck everything up. it's always me that ruins something.#I should just take the job and shut up
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hjgjhggjgjgh forgot i can't even go to the psych ward if there was magically room for my non urgent case. my mom's birthday is this weekend, and my aunt and grandma stay at our house for the following week. i need to be there for the birthday, and then i have to seem normal and present at normal hours. AND THEN IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
#i don't want to be alive holy shit#i wanna say they're probs not gonna hospitalize me no matter how much i'd need it#so i can call and ask for an appointment or smth anything#but what if they actually CAN hospitalize me#i can't say no. but i can't say yes.#i guess i'll try something during the holidays#but in the meantime i'm missing everything im missing classes im missing homework im missing my exams#im supposed to be preparing my graduation exam and instead i rot at home because ''we're not a healthcare facility''#i don't think i'm ever gonna change lmao once this phase is gone i fucking hope it'll go away it's just gonna turn into another problem#and i'll cycle through unlivable shit forever#like i've always done#i don't even know what to do. drop out maybe but i don't have the balls to. wait until they kick me out for good i think.#and then. idk. am i really cut out for the workforce lmao. school is safe and cozy and there's reasons im still there#bc everything else is scary and unpredictable and you have to earn your place there#i know im the problem. i know anything i do always leads to more problems.#yadda yadda yadda everybody deserves a place. but when i get kicked out of somewhere because i'm unbearable to deal with#i don't think im supposed to force my way in again#i don't know what to do. i know the way to get out of there is to force myself to do things.#but what does ''out of there'' even looks like?#no really. i don't think i've ever experienced an ''out of there''#unless i try to go back to being a toddler which doesn't sound like the play here#everything i do always lead to more pain and that's fully because im a killjoy who can't handle two weeks of normal human life#what's the point#broadcasting my misery#vent
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#soo close to breaking down and just beibg like#well i cant do this !!! i dont want to be away from you i dont want to have yo find someone else. i jsut want you#and im so scared of how thatd be taken n i dont wanna be . shut out again.#like . im supposed to just yrust this and trust thst its gappening even if i sont ubderstand whats goijg on#but my fear is slightly stronger than my ability to just Trust myself and the universe.#i want this so bad n ive never eanted ANYTHING as badly as i want . to work it out with him.#like yhats so unsettling ??? im just . i dont know how to proceed#esp not after that fucking messagw like . how do i respond to thst !!!! what am i supposed to say !!!!#like shit dawg . i CANT move on. uoure so deeply dug into me and what i want that i . am Struggling to like . even fathom the idea#of anyone else bc wjy would i . why would i find someone else wjen i had and found all i wanted. please tell me#youre coming back to me . please tell mw that youre not . going to let me go bc i cant lwt u go !!!! i tried so hard !!!! to do that !!!#and i couldnt !!!! i knew almost insta tly that i wanted him forever . n i know iy now more thsn ever thats what i want#. god . what the fuck do i do#im not supoosed to do anything !! im jus supposed to . trust that this is gonna work out anf that . it will haooen#even if i dont see it or understsnd it . n that rlly is the hars part bc oh my god i wanna throw in tje towel and die .#ive tried so hard to get over this and get over him but i literally cant. and just Livinf with this feeling is awful.#esp bc how my brain works like . atp i need a cold hars rejection to lessen my grip on it and to . move away from it#fuck. idk what to fucking do any.ore i am . abt to break and crack and . just tell him i miss him too much to keep doing this.#ive reread that message 293939 times sincs i recoeved it. its not hslping me in any shape or form!#it just has to work out. it has to .
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⌗︙・teaching choso female anatomy part 2 ⸜⸜・
the tension between you and choso after your last anatomy session is awkward. it's not like he's trying to avoid you, you just don't know what to say to each other, but you continue to help him with work.
"i-" choso speaks suddenly, sitting next to you on your bed, "i know that you were ready to mate the last time you tried teaching me."
his sentence caughts you off guard. you kinda hoped that he wouldn't mention it again, but also you hoped he would fuck you.
"is that so?" you ask him teasingly. you're sure yuuji probably told him some of his teenage nonsense.
"i watched some videos and i know what to do now." he says, making your eyes go wide. he watched porn? you swear you are gonna kill yuuji.
"what did you learn?"
_____
"am i doing this right?" his tongue hesitantly swipes along your juices. this is much better than just watching. to be honest, he doesn't really remember what he should touch to make you feel better. the only thing on his mind is that you are wet because of him.
"choso," you moan out when he sucks on your clit, "this was supposed to be just a lesson so you can do it to someone you like."
he doesn't care. why should he find someone else to do this to when you're already ready for him? besides, he likes spending time with you and he wouldn't even think about doing this to someone else.
he's messy with his mouth. as much as he tries to please you good, he keeps missing your clit and only focusing on your juices. he's really obsessed with your wetness. you yelp when he finds your clit again, this time giving it more attention.
"no." he whines suddently. you're confused at why he's whining suddently until you see him griding his hard cock into the bed. poor baby probably never had his cock sucked, hell he probably never had an erection.
"im sorry, y/n," he says, pulling his head out in between your legs, "i think im ready to mate too."
#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen x y/n#choso kamo x y/n#choso kamo x you#choso kamo smut#choso kamo x reader#choso x reader
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Yknow I'm glad I have absolutely no motivation to make any non constant related ds aus cause if I did I would absolutely just make random card au part 2; skins edition and the world building would be completely incomprehensible even by my standards cause Id find a way to mix it with constant bullshit anyways
#rat rambles#bro I couldnt even make the most normie ass cards just normal characters bro kanon baseball card is out there being an antagonist#Id get like farmspider webber and somehow make him the main villain knowing me my brain works in 5d chess constantly#the real reason I can't do this is that wendy would just suck to work with cause most of his skins just give oh so little to work with#how am I supposed to show my favoritism in these circumstances 😔#tbf theres definitely other characters who have it way worse in that regard like what the hell would I do with 99% of woodies skins#wilson would be piss easy tho hes like built to be au bait#but again Im not that interested in making that sorta au because I like most of the cast being just some guys too much#like even in my swap au I mostly keep all of the constant native characters in their own lil loop#wilbur is the one exception but thats because I kinda have to keep him as a monkey cause what the fuck else am I gonna do#hes a monkey with a surfboard now good for him yay claps#now to be clear I still did find a way to snap webber out of existence (in universe) and put walter in a messed up 3 layer timeloop#but its ok because thats the price I had to pay to make wanda just some guy#and also to kill off wagstaff so I dont have to worry abt him lol#cause look. who else could I make wagstaff. in what universe would he not become wagstaff.#plus I get to make the wagstaff haters happy because wx murders him lol (Im a wagstaff lover to be clear hes one of my favorites (as is wx)
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Like I've known this for years but now it's just truly dawning on me that I wasted almost 7 years of my life going to college to pursue a career I hate like I genuinely have nothing but hatred and anger and resentment towards it to the point that I genuinely feel like I'm rotting from the inside out but I feel like I can't drop out because I'm so close to graduating but at the same time I'm so far away from it because I keep sabotaging myself because I fucking hate what I'm doing with every fiber of my being
#it has given me nothing and i genuinely liked it when i started and i genuinely felt like i had potential and now there is nothing#i have nothing inside of me i feel like im a shell of the girl i was a few years ago#and it's made me forget most of what ive learned which is fucking useless anyways ive wasted 7 years#trying to get an art degree#an art degree#that means nothing#but i have to get it now bc what am i gonna do? i have trouble enough trying to find a fucking job as it is at least a degree might mean#something to someone#even tho college has given me no real life skills and again i already forgot everything i knew before the pandemic#and really what else am i fucking supposed to do? start a new degree? study something else? I'll literally kill myself#so I'll just have to push through and i hope it kills me i hope some day i get so angry and empty and sad i just fucking drop dead from it#personal
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