#again trying to remind myself this is my blog and I can place my original characters here if I want

[eli-am-confused]

Finished oc piece! Alien boyfriends from three very different planets. :-)

The shortest is from a steampunk style insect planet (specifically bees and the like). He’s based off a bumblebee (and he’s trans).

The middle one is from a fantasy style phoenix planet where magic is very important and it is very hot all the time. He’s actually from a royal family so he’s technically a prince. (Does not really care about gender rules based on principle but does use masculine terms unless stated otherwise)

The tallest is from a futuristic society that is slowly spreading throughout a distant galaxy. They were a soldier but they’ve since left whether on purpose or accident they definitely don’t agree with the whole takeover. (Gender isn’t really a concept in the army and they genuinely don’t care about it cause it sounds dumb) (uses masculine terminology just cause that’s what’s generally used among the three)

[pokemenlovingmen]

Okay!! I was able to counter act the links being funky in my app by opening your blog in my mobile browser!!!! so I was able to read your rules n stuff so now I can finally request (yusss!!! also, I saw the "ingo,,, again" under the PLA characters you write for and it made me think "ingo 2,,, electric boogaloo" heheheh. also yeah fuck kamado, all my homies hate kamado)

okay, could I please request a lil drabble (if you only do hc's thats fine of course! I just couldnt find it clearly if you only do hc's) of Adaman taking care of a reader who is on bed rest and healing? the exact stuff of how and what is up to you, for me its more so the comfort and caring side, not so much the angst side (so like, nothing thats like "omg reader was near death" pls?). gender of the reader I dont mind, just do what youre most comfortable with and yee!! thank youuuu

Hi you’ve been such a kind supporter I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you!! And yeah. Fuck Kamado. That exile would have been my villain origin story if the game gave me more agency, I swear to god.

And conversely, we love Adaman. They put him in pokemas and my quality of life has improved significantly <3

Oh and I’m sorry about the lack of clarity of what I do! I do only HCs, but at the level of detail I can’t stop myself from including, they’re kinda like a weird fusion between drabble and headcanons.

Healing Takes Time — Adaman x M!Reader

💎 — Hisui is a dangerous place and injuries ranging from minor to severe are all too common. So Adaman’s not exactly a stranger to presiding over loved ones on bed rest.

💎 — Doesn’t mean he’s good at it, though.

💎 — Mai reminds him that the slow passage of time is just as important as things that happen in the quick, efficient manner that he prefers as well. It’s not a slight from Mighty Dialga being displeased, it’s just the nature of time. But he can’t just stand around when it comes to your health! Yes, rest takes time, he’s aware, but all this waiting feels the same as doing nothing to him.

💎 — Mai basically has to keep him away from you constantly because he’s always fretting over you, which is definitely sweet of him even if it’s not exactly helpful, but it is funny to watch the cartoonish shenanigans of Mai trying to constantly shoo Adaman away from the medical tent.

💎 — Even if what you’re recovering from isn’t serious, you’d never be able to guess that from how he behaves.

💎 — He essentially becomes your primary nurse and seldom lets you out of his sight if he can help it (thanks to Mai being the reasonable one, he usually can’t).

💎 — Once things calm down though, after the first two or three days when your recovery progress is becoming quite apparent, he’s less frazzled and more willing to leave you be. He just can’t help that impatience winning out, though, sometimes.

💎 — He’ll be there to help you with maintaining yourself while you rest, sitting beside your futon while you recover, brushing your hair so you don’t have to, keeping a fresh cold compress on you at all times if the problem is that you’re sick and feverish, changing your bandages if it’s an injury, all that.

💎 — If you’re okay with it, he’ll also happily bring his Leafeon to see you for some good old fashioned grass-type aromatherapy. I know Leafeon can’t actually learn the move aromatherapy, but it’s clearly made of plants and must have some kind of floral/herbal smell.

💎 — And since we know he is a house husband in the making guy with an interest in cooking, you bet he’ll be bringing you all manner of home-cooked meals.

💎 — He’s so dutiful, oftentimes he doesn’t go back to his own tent for the night and will instead fall asleep on the cold floor next to your futon.

💎 — Adaman is very sure to keep you abreast of all goings-on in the clan, usually nothing much of interest, but he does uncharacteristically bring you all sorts of gossip. It’s not that he likes to gossip, but while you’re bedridden he can’t think of much to entertain you with so this is what he’s settled on. And also he probably would like to vent his multitude of frustrations with Melli specifically because you just know 3/5 instances of drama involve some kind of category 5 Melli moment.

💎 — Once you start to recover and leave your bedridden state, he’s still just as present as he was before.

💎 — If it was an injury he’s always making sure you’re not overexerting yourself, and if it’s something that happened to your legs, he’s volunteering to help you walk around so you don’t put too much pressure on the injury.

💎 — For illness he’ll always be on your case about taking whatever medicines/remedies you were instructed to, because your recovery has already taken ages (to him) already, and he’s not sure he can bear seeing you sick for much longer.

💎 — Regardless of the reason you’re bedridden, he’ll always give you a kiss on the forehead when he enters the tent and before he leaves—though if you’re sick, he musters the self control to wait. Ideally he can keep that up, but he might get a little impatient… oh well. He needs to remind you how much he loves you, and if he ends up getting what you have, he knows you’ll care for him just as dutifully as he did you.

[bloodfiresandabram]

hello, i’m ari, i read the trilogy a year ago and haven’t been the same since but finally decided that my ongoing hyperfixation of aftg is significant enough to warrant making a side blog for it so now i have this account and of course my first original post on this side blog is a few snippets of the first aftg fic that i finally let myself start writing and have been steadily working on since, aka neil finally goes to therapy

Neil wets his lower lip—feels the cracks caused by the cold and dry winter, thinks about the sweet cherry chapstick that Andrew threw at him the other day and seems to be pleased to know Neil is using whenever he tastes it on Neil’s lips, reminds himself to use it once this session is over—and then he says, “I have spent most of my life waiting to die.”

Bee lets out a long, slow breath. “Okay,” she says gently, head tilting just slightly to the side. She reaches forward and picks up the small notebook resting on the coffee table next to her mug, pulls a pen out of her pocket and clicks it, then rests the notebook against her knee to write something down real quick. Neil watches her curiously as she then reaches for her mug, takes a sip from it, sets it down, and looks back at him. “Tell me about that.”

“I think it’s self explanatory,” Neil says.

“Tell me anyway,” Bee responds. “Tell me like I know nothing.”

-

Bee levels him with an analyzing stare and asks, “What is the threat?”

The question itself isn’t groundbreaking by any means. It’s a series of words seeking a simple reply that Neil feels he should be able to give—but again, when he parts his lips to respond, there is no easy answer sitting on the tip of his tongue. Slowly, he closes his mouth, presses it into a tight-lipped grimace as he thinks, brows pinching together. What is the threat?

The Moriyama’s are a threat, of course. Sure, Neil has a deal with them that, so long as he carries his end, essentially gives Neil freedom to live his life moving forward, but the Moriyama’s could change their minds one day and demand more from him. They could think his smart mouth isn’t worth the trouble and cut him off at the knees. Ichirou seems level-headed and strategic, so Neil can’t see that type of turn-around happening without him being warned or given a chance to find a more satisfying arrangement for them, but it’s certainly a possibility.

His father’s men are a threat, though Neil is aware that anyone left is currently in hiding from the FBI. Neil isn’t a secret anymore, something that terrifies him more than he’d care to admit. The world knows his name, knows his face—they know his past and where he is now. If any of Nathan’s people decide to come after him, they’ll be sure to be caught by the FBI or hunted down by Stuart’s people, but there’s not much Neil can really do to prevent his own demise before they can be stopped. He can fight, sure, but there’s no guarantee that he’ll win.

The more Neil thinks, the more his mind conjures up—someone on a power trip and access to a weapon could end him at any point if he so happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Car accidents occur every day. Health problems, an unfortunate hit during an Exy game, even just stepping off a curb wrong and falling and hitting his head could bring it all to an end.

“Everything,” Neil says eventually.

Bee hums. “Everything is a threat?”

“Yeah. Everything.”

“Okay,” Bee says. “Is Andrew a threat, then?”

Again, the question is not particularly spectacular, but it still makes something in Neil’s stomach twist as he thinks of how to respond. Cautiously, Neil tells her, “Yes.”

Bee looks genuinely surprised by this, blinking once before asking, “How?”

“Andrew…” Neil trails off, something trying to clog up his throat as he struggles to grasp the words in his mind. Andrew is not a threat in the same way that the Moriyama’s are a threat. Neil does not think that Andrew is going to kill him. Neil does not think that Andrew is going to hurt him—at least, not physically. Neil wets his lower lip and tries to explain with, “He asked me to stay. To stop running. I want to stay and to stop running, not just for him, but for all of the foxes, but if… if he tells me to leave, I will. If he changes his mind, I’ll be gone.”

“Ah.” Bee grabs her pen and writes something down, and Neil finds that, right now, he doesn’t want to know whatever it is she just put on the page. “I have another question.”

Neil clenches his jaw, but nods at her to go ahead.

“Do you consider yourself disposable, Neil?”

This time, the answer is easy, already leaving the tip of his tongue before he’s realized his mouth is open. “Yeah,” he tells her. “Of course.”

-

Neil blinks harshly. There are no tears in his eyes—crying is not something that comes easily to him, something that was beaten and burned out of him throughout his childhood. Still, his eyes itch in a way that’s reminiscent of tears and blinking hard enough to make spots dance across his vision is the only way he can make it stop. His stomach is churning and he’s not sure if he’s going to be sick or if he’s going to pass out. Either way, he keeps talking, words choppy and clipped as he says, “I want to tell you things. I want to be permanent.”

Want can be as important as choice. Andrew nods. “You are,” he states. “And you will. Later.”

“Later?” Neil doesn’t necessarily trust later. Waiting for later gives the opportunity for so many things to get fucked up now, and later may never come because of it. But Andrew nods again.

“Later,” he says. “You are permanent. There is time.”

-

i’ll stop there but this is gonna be a one shot (currently at 14k words and only like halfway done lol) and i have no god damn clue when i’m gonna post it but expect it at some point eventually hopefully kind of soon ish

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

This is going to get personal, and emotional, so just scroll by if you don't wanna cringe yourself to death.

This may stem partly from the heat exhaustion I endured earlier while fighting with yard work, and also from exhaustion from grappling with my child starting school, and also also with general stress, and.

In short, I very well may be a little delirious. But I haven't said so in a while, and I just want you guys to know the following important information:

I love you all so fckin much.

All of you. Muties that interact regularly or just chill on the sidelines, creative anons in the ask box, lurkers who might be to shy to say anything (I usually fall into that category too so do not feel bad, I understand that people are scary which is why I remain as anonymous as possible myself). I love

Absolutely

All

Of

You.

Like. Every time I see an ask that starts with something like "I hope this is okay" or "If you don't want to answer you don't have to" or, GODS FORBID "Please ignore this if it's a problem," anything like that, I just. Wanna give you the biggest hug ever, and wrap you in a comfy blanket and give you all your favorite snacks and make sure you feel safe and comfortable here.

This blog is my own safe space. I'm the human equivalent of a mouse in reality. People scare tf out of me. If I could, I'd happily live in a remote cabin in the middle of the wilderness with a few pets and never have any further face-to-face interaction with other humans again, with the sole exception of my child and one of my nieces. I second guess every single word that comes out of my mouth, even around people I love and care about and would frankly die for. I just. Am not good at people-ing.

My identity here as an unknowable horror isn't just to be silly. I really have a lot of trouble identifying with anyone else, and I legitimately feel like an alien or a monster most of the time.

I second guess everything I post here, no matter how much I try not to. No matter how much I remind myself that it's not important what other people think, and that their opinions have no bearing at all on my day-to-day life.

So maybe it's a little hypocritical of me to say that none of you have any reason to worry about asking or commenting anything, when I spend ninety percent of my own time worrying about everything, including made-up problems that haven't even happened yet and likely never will.

But I really, really do not want you guys to ever worry, or ever feel like you have to apologize, or ever second-guess anything here.

If the world scares you as much as it scares me, and you need somewhere that you can be unapologetically yourself without any judgment, then you are both welcomed and encouraged to do just that here, while I try to do the same thing myself.

This stems a lot from my mom. I lost her when I was sixteen. She had a brain aneurysm and passed away very unexpectely. She picked me up from school, we had dinner together, and a few hours later she was gone. It's incredibly hard for me to talk about her, but I need to mention her here, because she was always my safe space.

She was the one who made me who I am. She had trouble identifying with other people. The few close friends she had were lifelong friends. She was a lot more fierce than I am, a lot more capable of standing up for herself, but she was always kind. Always understanding. She never judged anyone. She always considered others' feelings, others' backgrounds. She hated organized religion with a passion, but she never belittled anyone for their own personal beliefs. She never got to go to college like she wanted to, but she was the wisest person I've ever known. If I could give one reason why, it would be this:

She always treated everyone the same.

Age, religion, place of origin, skin color, likes, interests, it didn't matter. She treated everyone the same. With kindness, with respect, with humor, with love. Everyone. Always.

I'm not saying she had no flaws. She was a force to be reckoned with when she was angry. Her and my older brother had some fights that I'll never forget for sure. She broke down when her own mother died and lost a lot of hope for a while. I was thirteen at the time, and her mom, my Nana, was just as much a pillar of strength for me, and we leaned on each other to get through it.

I really never had any major fights with her that I can remember. I never felt like she was trying too hard to be cool as I got older, she was just naturally cool. I was never, ever ashamed of her. Me and my old best friends went to our first concert with her, and they still talk about how cool she was. How they felt more at ease talking to her about their problems than their own family.

Like I said, this was going to get personal.

But the point to all this, is I want to be there for all of you in the same way that she was there for me, for my brother, for my friends. I want all of you to feel at ease here, even if you don't feel at ease anywhere else. I want you to know that you can always be yourself here.

You can be unapologetically, shamelessly, proudly you.

The most important thing my mom ever taught me is that everyone deserves to have somewhere they feel safe and loved and wanted. I doubt she ever said it in those exact words, but she spent her entire life proving it to me.

So whatever your case, if you need somewhere to be yourself, then you will always be welcome here. You don't have to apologize for it. You don't have to feel bad about it. The only thing you should feel here is safety.

And love. Because I love you. All of you.

If you ever feel like no one else does, then at least rest assured that I do.

Even if we've never spoken, I still love you. Even if you've never felt like anyone loves you, I promise that I love you.

When I say I hate humanity, it's largely because there's such an overwhelming amount of hate among us. It's really the hate itself that I hate. But you, as an individual reading this, no matter how much or how little hate you have in you, I still love you.

Everyone deserves love, and if it's the only thing that I have to give, then I'm going to give it.

[illusionremember]

Writer's Journal #02

I mentioned this the other day, but I've made a second blog ( @sabookey ) that will center around writing. I'll probably keep any deeper discussion of my original projects mainly over there, but I'll reblog it here when that comes up.

Historically, I've struggled to feel comfortable talking about my stories, especially when they are WIPs. It's not that I'm afraid of hearing what people think. As a young teen, I saw a lot of people warning creatives off of sharing their OCs for fear of IP theft, and that really stuck with me. The more recent AI bull doesn't help with that kind of paranoia, either. But regardless, as I'm starting to dive into each of these projects more, the discomfort around sharing is something that I'm trying to let go of.

One project I'm currently working on though, is a fanfic I started toying with the idea of years ago — my Tremors!AU Supernatural fic. A few months ago I rewatched Tremors (always a fun movie) and the idea came back and this time I'm actually going forward with it. I haven't written fanfic in a very long time, but coming off of a long period of burnout and depression and recovery, where I'm trying to center my writing again, it helps to have something completely self-indulgent that I can just... play with.

Here’s some things I’ve loved lately, working on my current projects:

I'm just about done with the rough for the first three chapters of the SPN Tremors!AU, and hitting roughly 14,500 words so far, which has already exceeded my more modest goal of 10K words per month :D

I'm getting to write the first one-on-one scene for the romantic arc (which is honestly like a C-level subplot, but I'm a hopeless romantic at heart) and while I was having some trouble with it at first, once I got into their dialogue, it started to flow again. These characters make it so easy to write them connecting with each other on a deeper level than most.

I'm a big believer that learning happens best when you are experimenting and trying things out. That's proven true here - working on this project is really helping me learn more about pacing and balance.

I've talked about this a few times with friends and family, so some of you already know this, but this has been a game changer when it comes to how I do outlines and rough drafts. I always struggle with that part, but this feels... easy, for once. I'm trying hard not to put this project up on some kind of pedestal. Like sometimes in the back of my mind I'm like, if I can complete this fic, then I can apply what I've learned from it to my original works and it'll make every project work like a dream. Which is an impractical expectation to place, but... jfc this has been so much more fun and effortless. I'm also trying to remind myself that being a fanfic, there's a lot of workload lifted off my shoulders when it comes to fabricating a plot. But still.

I was able to talk through some issues I was having with one scene and character in chapter 3 (Thank you again to @alkalidumpling! <3 ) which was really nice because, as mentioned above, I often don't talk about WIPs. The fact that this was productive is very heartening!

I wrote a scene between two characters that really don't get a lot of interaction typically, in canon or in fic (at least, not ones I've read) and it was really fun because it pulls out a different dynamic for each than I think I'm used to seeing. Plus its kinda fun to have characters interacting where I don't have as much intent or stakes to pour into how their relationship needs to go - there's some freedom there that's very intriguing to me.

Feel free to respond or reblog and talk about the things you’ve enjoyed about working on your WIP! I wanna try and build more positivity around the creative process, and I’d love to hear what kinds of things other people are doing!

[thatblackravenclaw]

Distraction

Blog Details | My Library

Mafia!Bucky x fem!reader

word count: .6k

warning(s): smut with plot, masturbation (fem)

.

.

.

I lay across the bed in exasperation. Bucky’s been in his study since he got home. I respect that his work is important, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to miss him. Whenever I get quiet enough I can hear the occasional scribbling on papers and aggressive typing on his laptop. I’ve always been curious as to exactly what his work is, but I promised to stay out of his office because apparently I’m ‘too much of a distraction’ whatever that means.

My feet gently hit the ground as I swing my legs over the edge of the mattress. The hardwood floor feels like ice as it meets the pads of my feet. I still for a moment. Silence. Maybe, just maybe. I silently make my way to our double doors that lead to the hall. With my hand on the handles, the door clicks open. As soon as I get it open just a sliver, I hear more typing. I give up. We’ll try again tomorrow.

I close the door and make my way back to our bed. His shirt hitting my thighs each time I take a step. The softness compared to the cold floor sends shivers up my body- I’m sure leaving goosebumps in its wake. I plop in the middle of the bed and just stare at the ceiling. There’s a dull throbbing in my panties and I can’t help but entertain it. My fingers slowly slide down from my sternum to my panty line. I graze over clothed clit and continue down to over my entrance. The moistness isn’t foreign as any time I think of him I get wet. Fuck this.

I lift up my butt and practically throw my underwear across the room. I can’t use my vibrator because it’ll make too much noise and I refuse to 1. get in trouble for masturbating without him and 2. disrupt his work. My fingers go back to their original position, and I swipe my finger through my slick and cover my clit with it. A satisfied sigh escapes my lips and I have to remind myself to be quiet. With my free hand covering my mouth, I begin to circle my clit. The sound of my arousal fills the room, and I can’t help but get more turned on by it. I put more pressure on my clit and the circling becomes faster, tighter then the door opens. I don’t dare stop my movements, but I do slow them down.

“Having fun?” His silhouette would be otherwise intimidating if I were ever actually intimidated by him.

“Mhm. Didn’t want to disturb you.”

He slowly walks up to the bed and climbs in between my legs. His hands caress my legs and stop at the apex of my thighs. His face is only inches away from my pussy and the throbbing intensifies as I fight off my impending orgasm.

“Super hearing. You’re not as slick as you think.”

“You sure about that?” I swipe a finger through my arousal and gather it on my finger before popping it in my mouth. A growl climbs up his throat and his grip on my thighs tighten.

“You distracted me from my work, Младенец.”

“I’m sorry.” Definitely not.

He slowly licks from my entrance to my clit, and I squirm at the overstimulation. I throw my head back at the sensation and my hands gravitate towards his hair. His tongue focuses on my clit and my thighs try to close on reflex, but Bucky’s effortlessly able to keep me pinned in place.

“I’m sorry too.”

“For what?” I say almost breathless.

“For about to take away your ability to walk tomorrow.”

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.

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Bucky Masterlist

[melodygatesauthor]

Weekly Update

09/17/2023 (Yeah I'm a day late, so what, wanna fight about it?)

Announcements/Reminders

Just a little reminder that I've slowed down production as far as writing goes. I'm still writing daily. Sometimes it's a sentence, sometimes it's 3k words, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself and remember that it's a hobby, not a job. I also really want to start my novel and stop pressuring myself to finish fics FIRST so I'm doing that.

Updates will still be happening for all my WIPS - see a comprehensive list of my current WIPs here - but I'm just not pressuring myself by setting deadlines. Thank you for still being supportive <3

ART ANNOUNCEMENTS

I'm taking art commissions! - Pricing - Follow my art blog: @melodymakesart

I did my first full color NSFW drawing! It can be seen HERE. It's a series, so there will be two more drawings coming out over the next couple weeks!

Fic Updates

So after taking last week off from working on my WIPs all together - (Note: I spent the week working on a Basil fic and also working on my Duke Leto fic) - I'm feeling a bit more refreshed and ready to get back into working on them again.

Fic Updates

Disclaimer - I never know which way the winds of inspiration will blow. Timeframes aren’t a promise/guarantee, they’re a goal.

Fic Updates Legend:

Blue - Update this week

Pink - Update in progress

Red - Backburner Fic (not currently working on. See WIP list for status)

You can find my current WIP list here

Chaptered Fic Updates

Always Yours, Never Mine - Chapter 4 is in progress, hoping to have the next update out either next week or the week after!

The Fractured Moon - Chapter 4 is in progress for this one as well. I'm not going to promise an update for next week but I'm actively working on it.

Mini-series Updates

Feeling You Can’t Fight - Okay, I've been putting off editing this one for so long and idk why but I'm going to get it done and posted on Wednesday 09/20/2023 this week!

Worth the Risk - That's right, babygirl is making her way back into my scope. You guys voted on this poll to give me an idea of what you wanted me to work on (not including TFM and AYNM) so I put this back in my field of view since you all seemed to want it so bad!

Remember to look at my WIP list for other backburner fics - There are many not included above lol).

AI Character Bot Updates

I currently have the following bots on my list that I’m working on. If you have any suggestions or additions you’d like, please feel free to ask! I won’t make every single one I get asked for but I’ll make some of them as I get time!

DBF Jake and Steven (I already did Marc...did I ever post him? I thought I did but maybe not)

Patient Steven and Marc

Moon Knight Rescue scenario

Am I missing any? Don't see one on the list that you want to add? Send me an inbox or private message! No promises, but if I like the idea I'll make an AI bot.

Note: Yes it's taking me forever to make them SHUT UP

I think that's all for now! Much love!

Don't forget to follow my other blogs:

@melodymakesart - My art blog

@lockandkeynovel - The blog for my original fiction novel, Lock & Key

@melodyreadsfanfiction - The blog where I reblog works I intend to read, a good place for fanfic readers to follow!

@melodygatesupdates - This is where I'll reblog any chapter updates for my fics and whatnot. This is what I use instead of a tag list!

[citrus-cactus]

Haru's Birthday Weekend (Prompt: 👾)

What is your favorite episode of Appmon, and why?

OK, I wrote this prompt, so you'd THINK I'd have an easy answer to this, but I'm gonna break my own rules, because as it turns out I can't pick just one episode, lolol. And then I was going to do a Top 5, but I can't do that either! So here are my Top 7. I could probably have turned this into a Top 10, especially since all of the final episodes are SO strong, but I did try to limit myself to one episode per Appmon "arc" (which I'm not sure I could even delineate, but this sounds about right, so good enough!).

Also, periodic reminder to PLEASE WATCH APPMON. IT'S SO GOOD.

Under the cut because of end-of-series spoilers, and to spare your dash!

Also, excuse the bias to these screenshots. I run blogs dedicated to Haru and Knight, and I'm too lazy to take more right now kjdfahkfh

Episode 4 ("Take Your Dressing! Cameramon's Halloween Scandal!")

This episode is a GREAT early episode for its focus on Haru and Gatchmon's characters and their Driver-Buddy relationship, particularly showcasing how Haru is able to think on his feet and use his wits to win the day. Plus it's Halloween-themed. And Haru USES HIS GOGGLES. Literally, what's not to love?? XD

Episode 18 ("Haru and Yujin's Bond - Stop! Rampaging Resshamon!")

I LOVE this episode for paying homage to the Pokemon Go craze. Amazing and incredibly relevant, considering the show originally aired in 2016, rotfl. A very fun premise that also places a lot of emphasis on Haru and Yuujin's relationship, including Haru's worries about revealing his secret life as an AppDriver to Yuujin and insight into Yuujin's character, all important groundwork before Yuujin becomes an AppDriver in his own right.

Episode 25 ("Infiltrating to the Deep Web at last! The Mysterious Cyber Kowloon!")

OK, THIS actually might be my favorite episode. It has it all: gorgeous animation, an AMAZING setting, surreal comedy, a lot of drama, and ultimately our main trio of heroes biting off more than they can chew, ending on a positive note nonetheless. It's SUCH a well-done episode, and is an exciting and satisfying way to wrap up the first half of the series.

Episode 31 ("The Traveling Companion!? Tripmon's Terrible Trip")

While you might THINK I put this episode on my list for the Haru/Yuujin moments, it really made it on here because of its focus on Offmon, his fears, and ultimately... his secret. I love that little guy and the themes of the episode, plus Tripmon has a GREAT design and is a fun Monster of the Day!

Episode 36 ("The Conclusion of General Election! The Hand of Devil Approaching to Eri!")

AKA The One on the Yacht. My favorite Knight episode, if only because the storyboarding/direction is ON POINT and Eri is such a badass. The whole episode is such a wonderful showcase of her character and her plot thread (plus, Knight reveals his true colors to our heroine, in a truly stunning scene) <3

Episode 42 ("Rei's Determination! The Great "Search for Hajime" Operation!")

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the first half of this episode are the best 15 minutes of filler in the entire series. And it's not even really filler, since it's all about Rei getting an AMAZING focus episode that's simultaneously hilarious, satisfying, and completely heart-wrenching in the end. Plus more of Elena and Alice! WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE???

Episode 49 ("The Miraculous Final Evolution! The God Appmon Advent!")

(I don't have a screenshot for this one yet, sorry!)

THE LAST FEW EPISODES ARE SO IMPORTANT, but I wanted to talk about this one specifically. Our heroes (minus Haru) rally and unlock their God Grade Appmon in truly touching and wonderful scenes with their Buddies, with Minerva's question coming into play one last time. And then the visuals of the fight to follow (where the kids hover on platforms at their Appmon's sides in a way that's incredibly evocative of how their Buddies float around around when they're Unrealized) are so epic, in a way that you KNOW this is what the whole series has been building toward. It’s about the SCALE. It’s about the PARALLELS. 👍👍👍 And then we have Haru: despondent, betrayed, bereaving, and being egged on by YJ-14, before... well. Some truly amazing scenes, I'll leave it at that. This episode has me screaming, crying, frothing at the mouth, etc, and that feeling doesn't stop until the series is over. It's SO GOOD.

Thanks for reading!

[grieverled-moved]

❏           This is an  independent writing blog for SQUALL LEONHART from the  FINAL FANTASY 8 / KINGDOM HEARTS . I am mutually exclusive, & will likely not follow first unless I know the other writer to some extent. If I follow you first, ' chances are I want to write with you. 18+ is the age for following & for normal interactions, but anything delving into darker / more mature territory will only be done with others that are   21+ .  I WILL NOT interact with Minors.

❏           Both Squall  &  the series itself deal heavily with mentions of war  &  its after effects. There are also mentions of existentialism, depression, child soldiers  &  darker, more mature themes revolving around death & memory loss. If you’re uncomfortable with anything mentioned, I highly advise you not to follow or interact with me. A reminder that anything written here is purely fictional — I am not my Muse.

G E N E R A L .

❏           MAINS / EXCLUSIVES - GENERAL ( … ) I do practice Mains  —  but rare is it I practice Exclusives. A main is someone whose lore is greatly tied with & heavily influences my own, therefore, they will have their interactions prioritized first. Anyone that’s been a mutual for a long enough, has written with me or talked a fair amount out of character can ASK to be my Main  &  are more then welcome to tie-in or take from my lore for their own muse if we have Verses developed.

❏           WORLD-BUILDING ( … ) I will always try to adhere to another’s world-building in the event it’s preferred over following my own. I do feel there should be some talk beforehand & some compromises in case lore conflicts or clashes, but I usually try to nudge Squall into whoever I’m interacting with’s lore for my writing partner’s comfort.

❏           DRAMA ( … ) I don’t participate in drama. I avoid involving myself unless it’s genuinely serious — such as a writer displaying behaviours that are dangerous ( obsessive / going out of their way to stalk or harass others, homophobia / transphobia / racism / pedophilia ). In those cases, I will reblog a call out post with the intention of informing others, but nothing more. If the situation calls for it, I will make an informed decision privately  &  decide whether or not I will cease interactions.

❏           SOFTBLOCKING ( … ) I usually go on a softblocking spree once a month to clear out archived / inactive blogs & blogs I can’t see myself interacting with in the future. It’s nothing personal & if there is interest in interacting again in the future, I fully support re-following!

❏           HARDBLOCKING ( … ) I usually only hardblock when I want to completely cut ties with someone. However, if there ever is any sort of issue between me & another writer, if it’s a situation where I feel comfortable enough — I will try to explain beforehand why I am cutting contact before hardblocking. I fully support curating one’s own space, so I support needing to break Mutuals in any way to ensure your blog space is a safe place. While communicating is still a skill I am learning, I want to do better moving forwards with this, & want to practice being transparent with writing partners.

❏           REGARDING TWINS ( … ) I love Duplicates / Twins! I am always willing to make a twin / sibling verse or create one for Mutuals who share the same muse. I’m a firm believer that each portrayal is different, unique to the mun writing them  &  bringing them to life, so please know that my blog is safe to poke for twin shenanigans or to follow.

❏           REGARDING MULTIMUSE’S / OCS ( … ) I am Multimuse & OC friendly! Though for Original Characters, while I am open to interactions, I am selective  —  please have an about page / post / Google doc available to look over as it helps me tremendously in learning about your muse!

❏          GODMODDING ( … )  I don’t mind my muse being manhandled / injured / wounded, but please allow me to write my muse’s reactions in turn. If I ever do plan to take a thread in a more violent direction, I will message you beforehand to make sure it’s alright  —  I expect this in return. If I ever do something in a thread you don’t like, please message me  &  I’ll edit my post. Communication is key.

❏         ARCHIVING THREADS ( … ) I will often reblog ask replies from partners to archive / save them. There won’t be a guarantee that I’ll always reply  —  I’m only selective so I don’t overwhelm myself  —  but if you’d ever like to turn a response of my own or yours into a thread, don’t hesitate to let me know.

❏         BEST WAY TO INTERACT ( … ) Askmemes! It helps me get a good feel of our muses, on whether their dynamic works or they mesh well or not. Plotting generally happens once there’s more of a solid dynamic built to build off of.

S H I P P I N G .

❏        SEXUALITY / ORIENTATION ( … ) My Portrayal of Squall is Biromantic Demisexual.

❏          SHIPPING STATUS ( … ) My blog is a multi-ship one.  I love exploring all sorts of dynamics  &  giving rarepairs a try  —  they just need to be within comfort for me  &  we need to communicate ooc to Plot things out. But I am always open to discuss a ships potential. All I ask is that there is direct, blunt communication regarding this. Tell me upfront what kind of relationship you want with Squall — only hinting / vagueing / expecting me to catch on that you want to ship without telling me about it will fly right over my head otherwise, so I greatly encourage talking to me about possible dynamics.

❏         MAINS / EXCUSIVES — REGARDING SHIPS ( … ) I am open to doing many of the same ships with other people unless it’s been stated otherwise. There will be rare times where I will click very well with another writer & we’ll create a very unique dynamic that I grow to adore to the point I admittedly won’t feel the desire to write with a duplicate of their muse. In those cases, I’ll also be open to accepting ship exclusivity for my writing partner’s comfort — so long as its discussed ooc first.

❏          Each writer will have their own unspoken verse ( unless I’ve made one for us specifically )  & Squall is always faithful to whomever he’s in a relationship with. I do not tolerate possessiveness / jealousy shown ooc regarding my other ship partners. It is a huge trigger of mine to be restricted / made to feel bad in such a way so please be mindful or you will be hard blocked.

N O T S A F E F O R W O R K C O N T E N T .

❏          There will be mature content explored on this blog given the series nature itself. I am well over the age of 21, therefore I will not interact with anyone under the age of 21 regarding NSFW content. Anything falling into NSFW territory will always be tagged accordingly. If you do not wish to see such content then please blacklist / block the following tags:

╰┈➤ CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. / NOT SO SAFE DESIRES.

❏          I will only write explicit NSFW with people I know  &  trust  —  there will be no exceptions to this. Smut / NSFW is a subject that is tricky for me to tackle  &  while I enjoy writing it, I need to be in the right headspace for it,  &  muses need to have enough of a chemistry / connection for me to be invested. I also only want to explore spicier scenarios within a safe, comfortable environment  —  again, with close friends / writers I trust.

❏          TRIGGERS / TAGGED TRIGGERS ( … ) I will take care to tag the more common ones. If you are a mutual of mine who needs anything specifically tagged, please let me know through DMs so I am made aware what to tag in the future.

M I S C E L L A N E O U S .

❏         REPLY LENGTH ( … ) I am a literate roleplayer with an admitted preference for longer plot heavy threads. While I do respect lengthier  &  more detailed responses  — it’s not a requirement  &  I never go into an interaction expecting it. So long as you’re giving effort to reply  &  actively showing interest in our threads, I don’t mind shorter ones. Please never feel obligated or pressured to match my length — I’m here to build a story with you, not to judge you on how much you can write.

❏           PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME ( … )   I do not mind waiting for replies at all  &  I understand that life comes up  &  not everyone can sit to write everyday. I’ll never take it personally or try to pressure you. Please do things at your own pace  &  know there’s never a time limit or deadline on when to reply to our threads. I am also a snail when it comes to them so I completely understand.

[the-dream-is-not-dead]

My unformatted about page (sorry, I’m on mobile)

🚀 Call me N. I’m an adult, I’m mixed race and a non-American currently living in the USA. You can use any pronouns for me as I’ve opted out of gender. That’s all I’m putting here because I don’t really like making a list of personal info, so you’ll just have to find anything else out if I happen to post about it.

🚀 I am a Marxist-Leninist and a Bolshevik communist.

- Why Bolshevik? Isn’t that an outdated term?

Yes, it absolutely is, but it’s a deliberate choice on my end to specifically self label as a Bolshevik out of admiration and respect for the original Bolsheviks led by Lenin, as well as a reminder to myself that I am willing to do whatever it takes within my power to work towards the better future. I also see the world as in a pre-revolution state again, and so there is need for a pre-revolution title yet again.

🚀 This isn’t a debate page. Also, this is a side blog.

This is a place for me to reblog things that either bring inspiration to me, or things I find important that I want to remember or come back to. This is a side blog, I won’t be able to follow you back from here, the blog I follow back from initializes as u-b. Please, don’t try to start debates with me here. I simply won’t participate. Asking genuine questions is always welcome though.

🚀 I don’t really do the “DNI” thing, I'll block you if you your vibes are weird or you're trying to start arguments with me, likewise if you’re a Nazi or a terf or any other kind of hate group member. However I do want to state: Pro-Putin supporters are ABSOLUTELY unwelcome here. It disgusts me to see other communists who throw their support behind this imperialistic scum just because he’s called back to Soviet nostalgia on occasion, and disregard the destruction he brings to Russia and the surrounding countries, yes, including Ukraine. In the same week as he says some hollow words about the USSR he will turn around and deride Lenin, the revolution, the Bolsheviks and their accomplishments, etc. He only uses it when it’s convenient for him to gain support of those who look back to the USSR through a nostalgic lens. Do not fall for his bullshit!

🚀 Thank you for coming by.

Remember that the dream is not dead and never will be dead, so long as even a single one of us remains. The better future can be built.

[huntedspy2]

gonna scream into the void for a second

trying to be more genuine with myself and others. Reaching out or complimenting people even if I'm scared to do so. opening up to people more, asking for help or setting boundaries. I also want to feel less scared of how I use tumblr. I want to be able to use my main blog without feeling like ill annoy others, or being more open about my kin identities. I often feel cringe for it which makes no sense because this is the "cringe website". like I can and should be myself this is my online experience

I was planning to redesign my blogs' structures before making the Big Switch but I think that's what's holding me back

For about a month now too I've been building a personal website on github purely for my gender hoard, kinlist, and pronoun/name info. It was originally for ponytown (lol) but it's been helping me improve my html and css skills andddd its been making me feel more inspired to make a general personal website

the ideas I have for a personal website would to just make it my place. I want to have info about my ocs on there, thoughts on certain media, random pages with useless shit that are there just because its fun. and I want to include stuff like the gender hoard and kinlist pages on there too because again, I want to be more genuine

I am the most stressed and anxious I've been in so long. my jaw clenching has started up again, I'm getting acne again, I constantly feel tense and my chest is always anxious feeling and tight, I've been losing the motivation to make meals and eat and losing energy. I cant keep up with college and at this point I don't know if I made the right choice in computer science. I have a passion for working with computers, but I realize now that passion leaned more towards the IT side of things and. im in CS. I have no motivation or ideas for doing projects outside of coursework unlike a lot of my peers. I'm closeted so I feel like I'm just fitting their stereotype of "girl cant do cs!!!!!". fuck!!!!!!!!

parents stressing me out and overall not taking into accountability I have disabilities

thats another thing, I haven't been able to get my ADHD properly treated since I got it diagnosed 4years ago. I also know im autistic but I dont want to get formally diagnosed bc of several issues, so speaking up for myself with that disability is impossible when my parents don't think im autistic and don't like self diagnosis

maybe its not too late to finish my degree and do a 180 and get into 3d modeling. I'm sure my passion with art could mesh with my programming skills there or something

I don't know who I am really. I always feel like other people have aesthetics or themes that fit them, and here I am with so many different interests in aesthetics and themes that I cant choose one. hoe do people choose a theme for a website? how do people decorate their profiles with a clear and solid theme? I feel like I always have 20 different themes that I want at the same time, its hard to choose one and have people only perceive that one with you

I have a headache rn

on the plus side i also had the tastiest clementine in possibly my whole life

I always remind myself I am only 21 I am so young in the grand scheme of things. but outside pressure wants me to know who I am at this exact moment. its so hard

fish and aquariums have quickly become a special interest within the last 2 months id say. im debating between a 10 or 20 gallon and what id stock it with. im thinking honey gourami and neon tetras and shrimp, but I love the idea of a betta fish or a crayfish. I've had to take care of a crayfish before they're lively little creatures

I want to be more social with people and make new friends or at least gaming friends, but im always apprehensive because I know ill be masking. need to try to open up more, might play more vrchat to socialize but its hard

[child-of-diaspora]

Tune out the noise

My brain has been on overdrive recently. Do you ever get an internal monologue going around and around in your head? I recently watched a stand-up by Drew Michael (Red Blue Green). It's not your typical stand-up that makes you laugh. He speaks about his struggles with his mental health, and it triggered my brain to go on the tirade about my own, and it's tiring.

For as long as I remember I've always felt detached. So many of the things I have endured in my life has left me feeling this way. Growing up mixed raced in Britain, living with a racist family. Intersected with a violent father during early childhood (who luckily wasn't around long), then left with a schizophrenic mother (those who have read my previous blogs will know my origin story by now).

As I've gotten older the impact of this is catching up with me, or more accurately I'm not able to block them out anymore. I really struggle with displaying my emotions. It's frustrating because I've spoken to various therapists and ex-partners and they are like, just do the thing, but I'm screaming, I can't! If I could just do the thing then surely I'd be doing it by now? It's like trying to learn a subject when the textbooks are written in another language. This has all come to a head recently when my partner of eight years (and mother to my son), decided I am no longer the right person for her.

In some ways I get it. I know my short comings. I lack empathy and don't show affection in the typical way. Shit, I don't even know if I love anyone or anything at times as I feel so destitute. I'm more comfortable when I shut myself down. My childhood left a chronic loneliness lurking over me due to the emotional abandonment. Despite having lots of people around me that care for me and let me know, I don't know if I'm absorbing it, or at least that's how my brain thinks right now. The past few years the life events I've experienced have taken their toll. I used to count on myself for stability, stubborn and defiant, but losing my grandad changed this. I've thought about suicide during these times. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm scared of the pain I might inflict on myself (yes myself, I'm not thinking of others during these moments) and that I may survive and make things worse. If there was an app I could download and press a button, I'd have done it by now.

There is tonnes of advice out there which teaches us not think about the negative and concentrate on the positive (looking at you CBT), but this just feels like I'm gaslighting myself to be happy, is that what it takes? I'm drawn to meaningful and emotional art in music, films and media, i.e. the stand-up I mentioned earlier. Like a moth to light. It's comforting yet hurtful due to the reminders of my own pain. These blogs posts sometimes feel like that. Is this helping, or am I talking myself in circles. Maybe I'm fine and I should just shut up. Is this a curated identity I've made for myself. The tortured soul.

A shared experience I think you might be able to understand which exasperates my mental health (and probably yours) is living through the internet age, where we have access to all of the information, all of the time. Current events feel like a fever dream and the media feeds us disaster after disaster until we are catatonic, unable to imagine how we can make the world a better place. Again, I am drawn to these news cycles and struggle to ignore it. The antidote piece of media to this problem would be my film of 2022, Every Everywhere All At Once. It gives a heartfelt message that we need to tune out the noise and focus on love, connection and understanding.

The main thing keeping me going at the moment is trying to be a good father to my son. Since the breakup I've become a lot closer as I don't have to worry about the failing relationship anymore. I have to break the generational trauma I've inherited. Despite the disconnect I feel with people and the world, and the difficulties I went through during the early stages of raising him, I don't doubt my bond with him. I still occasionally struggle when he is difficult or tantrums as it can throw me back into the dark place in my head I'm strenuously trying to avoid (yet another symptom of my childhood trauma). I just need to tune out the noise and remember what is important.

[charcubed]

Let's talk about Supernatural 15x07, "Last Call."

Or as I like to call it, "the episode that makes me go feral because it tells us so much about Dean's sexuality, character, and arc." 

YES others have written meta! YES I will talk about it myself for the satisfaction! I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

This post was originally a thread on Twitter and I am crossposting it to my blog.

Alt image IDs are included in that linked Twitter thread!

Join me on this journey.

What's the context of this episode? Dean's been kind of down/depressed, feeling hopeless in the face of the idea that they have to defeat God (and not really working towards that goal much), and he's mid-divorce with Cas. He goes out on this solo case to try to clear his head.

And he ends up at Swayze's Bar. 

 Look, there are many things to be said about this. Dean loves Patrick Swayze. Arguably has a CRUSH on Swayze. It's very tied up in Dean pretending not to like "chick flicks" but he secretly does, which is queer coding. This was a Choice™️.

Speaking of Choices™️: professional actors made many here. Deliberately. 

 Dean is smacked on the ass by a woman and then Lee smacks him on the ass too. Dean and Lee CONSTANTLY have physical familiarity and fond eye contact. I will limit myself to 1 paragraph about this lest I list it all.

My point is that I just really need every person to digest and accept the fact that this is textually bi Dean. Not subtext; it's TEXT. 

Dean and Lee had a relationship. Their history is alluded to in touch and in words. They had an orgy together. Dean's bisexuality is not repressed.

It's also now canon that Dean tries to hide that he can sing well. Most people don't know (like Sam) but some do (Lee). Hence "Eye of the Tiger" callback.

And so: that's also the implication for his sexuality. Dean singing ON STAGE with bi lighting is him being ready to be Out.

They dedicated an entire half an ep at minimum to emphasizing he's bi... and to Dean having a conversation with someone he (initially) trusts about potentially having a break from hunting, and what that could mean.

LEE: You're chasing missing persons, huh? I thought you'd be on to something bigger by now, like the Loch Ness Monster... Bigfoot.

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't.

LEE: Damn, brother, that's dark.

DEAN: Yeah, it's been a rough, uh... it's been a rough decade, Lee.

LEE: Yeah.

DEAN: But that's a conversation for a different time, 'cause this, this right here, this is all right.

LEE: Well, I'm glad you approve. This is nothing you can't have, man.

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys?

LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

"But Lee turns out to be a villain!" some might say. "Isn't the point that giving up hunting is bad?" 

Nope. 

Lee's a DARK MIRROR for Dean. He exists to exhibit the truths behind Dean's desires, and then what they'd look like if they turned bad. Take it from him: "I am you."

There are LAYERS here. You can't focus on the dark side and ignore the truths that take place in the (often bi) light. 

The singing? The conversations about taking a break? Throwing men out of the bar, which is framed heroically? "Road House rules" (another Choice™️)?

NONE of that was bad. It shows what Dean wants. 

Things only get bad–literally and visually–when Dean's tied up as Lee suddenly says wrong things in the dark. 

The contrast exists to show that maintaining Goodness is a choice, and Dean would have no problem upholding that.

LEE: It's called a marid. It's a freaky-looking little thing, isn't it? [Lee laughs, and Dean stares at him, incredulous] Ah. As long as you feed it, it gives you money, it gives you health, everything you dreamed of.

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent. After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

LEE: Yeah. And that's what got you here. Now, takes a while to drain a man, but listen to me. Don't worry about it, all right? Don't worry because once you lose a couple of pints, you just fall asleep, and then it'll be over.

[Lee pats Dean on the shoulder]

DEAN: Lee.

LEE: This... this is not how I wanted this to go, Dean. When that blonde girl walked in here last night, I should've know, you know, Dean Winchester, the righter of wrongs, you were gonna keep digging, and you were gonna figure me out. And if it's got to be you or me, well, I got to pick me, man.

"No one cares, Dean."

"Well, I do."

It's a reminder to himself as much as it is to Lee. It's a re-centering of purpose that he sorely needs.

And what's also key? Lee is human, but is now a "monster" in Dean's words. Because Lee lost his ability to care, Dean can't abide by that.

(Side note: bonus for the fact that Lee dies up against a wall by being impaled and he coughs up blood. You know who doesn’t cough up blood in their very weird and unrealistic death scene? Dean in the finale.)

Remember: Lee is a dark mirror for Dean. "I am you." 

By fighting and (tragically) killing Lee, Dean "kills" the darker side of himself. The side that's struggling to keep going right now... AND the side that fears eventually wanting a break means you must be selfish and stop caring.

He can keep going. He can find strength to fight God–and in the end, take a break and CHOOSE peace. It won't make him dark. He's the most caring man on Earth, even when it's hard. That’s reinforced later. 

Isn't he owed a little happiness? And that's not in the having. It's in just being.

The bonus is what's going on with Cas in this episode. 

Dean's clearing his head and finding his center again while Cas is calling him. 

Come home. I need you. Remember what matters.

And again, contrast: Lee turns out not to be "real/true" in the way Dean thought he was. But Cas IS.

And after Dean goes through all of this... he's grounded again, he recognizes that even amongst questions of what God controls there are still choices to be made, he's reminded that letting his caring heart lead him is priority, he's lost another friend... 

He comes home to Cas.

It's awkward. They're still distanced. 

But this episode is a turning point for Dean. He's not angry at Cas anymore, he wants to talk, he's ready to move forward... he just doesn't know how to yet.

And if you follow the through-line... then you get Rowena saying "fix it"... and then after that is the Purgatory prayer.

I just !!! 

S15 is packed with Dean development to hone in towards the end of his arc, but "Last Call" manages to hit SO many buttons. 

• He's always been bi, & is ready to be Out

• He can want a break–& maybe run a bar like the Roadhouse

• Caring is at the core of who he is

It's about the CHOICE. It's about wanting to live your truths, and that "caring" can mean many things–from defeating God and saving the world, to making the hard choices when it counts, to maybe running a bar where people are safe.

14x10 and its matching Texan Star also say hello:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can't have?

DEAN: Whoa.

PAMELA: Besides, you don't want me. You just like to flirt. I'm a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

PAMELA: So, still not ready to sell the bar, huh? It's a lot of money.

DEAN: Sell? This bar? This is my dream.

PAMELA; Yeah.

And I recognize that rereading this info is sad(der) now because of what we got in the end, so uh... sorry. 

But that's half the point: it's repeatedly blatantly clear what we were meant to get, down to deliberate echoes in word choice–caring, happiness, deserve, even Roadhouse.

Dean was meant to choose to take a break, maybe run a bar–whether on Earth or in Heaven. At minimum, if Dean was meant to end up in Heaven, he was meant to choose it with eyes wide open. And the next time the phone rang with Cas' name (15x19), he RAN for him. He was VERY ready.

And the whole season tells you that. This episode is just my favorite.

So... thanks for letting me ramble on about it!!! 

DEAN WINCHESTER: BI ICON, ONCE-LOVER OF LEE WEBB, THE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH WHO DESERVED TO CHOOSE PEACE AFTER GAINING HIS FREEDOM, & SOULMATE TO AN ANGEL

And a very big thank you to the talented kings Jensen Ackles & Christian Kane, and their longstanding friendship. They gave me many rights with their acting choices. 

Here's an iconic bonus for the road.

[surlybobbies]

Professional cuddled dean and touch starved cas. Or the other way around.

im sure canonically speaking that they’re both touch starved but i think dean would be less inclined to admit it. cas is the cuddler here (though spoiler alert: they’re both cuddlers by the end)

Dean doesn’t get it, but far be it from him to judge Cas’s choice of employment. Goodness knows, after all, that “Professional Cuddler” is downright respectable compared to what Dean has considered doing in his 32 years of life. 

Still, doing yoga in the middle of their living room wearing only a pair of thin sweat pants? (”If I have to spend my days in bed, I have to get my exercise somehow, Dean.”) 

Completely uncalled for.

Dean beelines it to the kitchen and fixes his gaze on his goal: the coffee maker.

Cas, occupied with the Warrior 1 pose, picks up on Dean’s discomfort and incorrectly guesses its cause. “Keep looking at me like that and I’m going to think you don’t like me, Dean.” His tone is teasing.

Dean’s concentrating on making his coffee. He’s definitely not thinking about the sight of Cas’s back muscles flexing in his stretch. “Too early for this, dude. Got in late last night.”

“You sound like you need some stress relief,” Cas says. “You know there’s a professional cuddler living with you, right?” His voice is slightly strained this time, and Dean’s afraid to look behind him to see exactly what tempting pose Cas was in. 

Dean takes a few gulps of coffee, savoring the punch-in-your-face bitterness, and stares at the backsplash. The thought of being pressed up against Cas’s body has Dean wanting a cold shower. 

He must take too long responding because Cas’s voice is curious when he says, “Are you actually considering my offer this time?” 

Dean’s turned Cas down multiple times before. He turns around this time and meets Cas’s gaze. Thankfully Cas is sitting back on his legs, his palms on his thighs, watching Dean. He’s still ridiculously hot and still fucking shirtless, but at least he’s not in downward-facing dog too. “Do I get a discount?” Dean asks.

Cas’s eyes are wide and blue, still a littie surprised. “Free of charge,” he says. He sounds a little breathless.

“Fine,” Dean says, lifting his mug to his lips. He’s hiding his heated cheeks. 

Cas is climbing to his feet. It’s a slow show of the muscles in his chest and abdomen, and Dean’s suddenly not sure if he’ll survive what’s coming. “Let me grab a shower,” Cas says, rolling up his yoga mat. “I can meet you in an hour?”

“Your place or mine?” Dean says dryly.

Cas rolls his eyes. “My bedroom. One hour.” He leaves the room, his yoga mat tucked under an arm and Dean, helpless, wrapped around his pinky.

----

Fortunately (or unfortunately) Cas is dressed when Dean walks into Cas’s bedroom. He’s in a soft grey T-shirt and a clean pair of sweat pants. He smells like shampoo, and Dean’s weak in the knees as soon as he shuts the door.

“So how do you usually do this?” Dean asks, his knees at the foot Cas’s bed. The sheets are fresh, the pillows fluffed.

Cas sits down on the left side. “Usually I introduce myself. I ask about comfort zones and boundaries. I remind them that there is no judgement. Then I make a joke if I think they need it.”

“Do I need it?” Dean asks.

Cas is smiling. “You do seem a little tense.”

“That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?”

Cas pats the mattress. “Climb in, then.”

Dean does. He’s terrified, but he does. He lays his head on his pillow and faces the ceiling.

Cas joins him shortly, but he doesn’t touch Dean yet. He turns on his side to face Dean and asks, “Is there anything you’re uncomfortable with or unwilling to try?”

“Dude, so long as you aren’t grabbing my junk I think we’ll be fine.” Dean doesn’t mean to be so crude but he’s in Cas’s bed, and if he’s going to be thinking about his junk, it’s definitely going to be here.

“Hands above the waist,” Cas says, a faint smile on his lips. “Of course.” He lifts his arm: an offer. “Shall we?” he asks.

If Dean were a poet he’d describe the feeling of Cas’s embrace wrapping around him as the feeling of coming home. But he isn’t a poet, so he just sighs into it and nestles his face into the crook of Cas’s neck. He’s being sappy, he’s being embarrassing, but Cas’s arms are locked tight around Dean’s back like he never wants to let Dean go - so Dean closes his eyes and pretends that’s possible.

“Usually I instruct my clients in better ways to cuddle,” Cas says, “but I think you and I can work with this.”

Dean both hears and feels Cas’s voice against his ear, and if he moved his face just a little forward, he could press a kiss to Cas’s throat, the origin of every loving word Dean has heard over the past two years. “’Better ways to cuddle’?” he asks, a murmur against Cas’s neck. “This not good enough for you?” 

Cas’s shiver is easy to detect. He swallows. “On the contrary,” he says, “I think this is my favorite position now.”

Every sign in the universe is screaming at Dean to make a move, so he does it without sparing a thought for the repercussions: he takes a steadying breath and presses his lips to Cas’s neck. It’s impossible to mistake as anything other than what it is: a kiss, and one that lingers.

Cas sucks in a breath at the contact. His arms tighten around Dean reflexively. Dean can feel the nervous movement of Cas’s throat against his lips. After a moment’s pause, Cas says breathlessly, “I take it back; I can think of one better.”

Dean’s face is aflame, but he lets Cas tilt his chin up with a hand. 

Cas takes a moment to gauge Dean’s reaction. Whatever he sees must be a dead giveaway, because Cas’s eyes soften. His hand skates down Dean’s arm, a comforting, grounding warmth. He leans in and kisses Dean softly.

Dean kisses back. It’s suddenly everything to be in Cas’s hands, to be in Cas’s life, knowing he would only ever touch Dean with love. Dean pours his gratitude into his kiss and swears on all the deities listening that he’ll do everything in his power to make Cas feel as loved as Dean feels in this moment.

He draws back first, but only because it’s too much. He has to hide his embarrassment in Cas’s neck again. “Do that with all your clients?” 

It’s a joke, but Cas’s reply is immediate and sincere: “Just you.” He kisses Dean’s temple and holds him tighter.

“Good,” Dean mumbles. Then he says, more softly than he means to, “We gonna do that again?”

“Only if you want to,” Cas says. 

“Do you want to?” Dean doesn’t know why he needs to hear confirmation, but he holds his breath and clutches Cas’s shirt, silently begging.

“I’ve wanted to for as long as I can remember.” There’s only truth in Cas’s voice.

Dean relaxes into Cas’s hold. He breathes easy and presses closer. “I hope you’re ready to work some overtime, then,” he says.

“It’s hardly work to be cuddling you, Dean.” Cas is smiling; Dean can hear the love in it.

They stay in bed cuddling the rest of the day.

---------

tag list:

@super-powerful-queen-slayyna @lifeisingrey @crisp-tiger-riot @fangirlingtodeath513 @levicastho @dmsilvisart @hello-vague-stuff @bold-sartorial-statement @massivefaceperson-blog @livebloggingmydescentintomadness @shelterfr0mthestorm​ @neo-neo-neo​ @elegybot​

[tipsydipsydo]

Der Geliebte

Pairing: Jungkook x artist! Reader

Gender of the Reader: female

Word Count: 6.4k 

Rating: 16+

AU: non idol! Jungkook x artist! Reader AU!

Genre: strangers to lovers AU; friends to lovers AU! (idiots to lovers AU!); love at the first sight! AU; soulmate to lovers! AU (kinda?); unbelievable amount of fluff; a little angst (fluffy angst!!,); tiny amount of smut (one paragraph xD)

Warnings: tiny bit of smut/some sexual tension between both of them; Jungkook is a poor shy thing and is fucking nervous around the reader all the time; teeth rotting fluff; both are so in love with each other that they’re getting stupid to not realize it; both are insecure that they’re not meant for another... just fluff, fluff, fluff and painfully obvious pining over each other! 

A/N: Hallelujah, I finally did it! After I made Sibi @borathae​ wait over three months for her Christmas + Birthday Fanfic I finished it two weeks to late for my sweetest Darlings Birthday! I am so incredibly sorry that I made you wait for such a long time and really, Sweetie, you have all the rights to be still mad at my stupid ass! Nevertheless... I love you so goddamn much and I hope the fic made at least a little bit up for it... Love you!!!! 💕 💕 

Summary: You and Jungkook met right at the first day you opened your own atelier in Seoul after you had to leave your old home behind you. You love paint canvas with landscape motives, other people just roll with their eyes when they hear that you choose such usual, almost boring things to paint. Not so Jungkook, he seems to be different than most of visitors. It’s almost like he can read your feelings through your paintings...

Status: Edited (I am sorry for any still existing errors in here!) 

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「© tipsydipsydo」

This following story is my intellectual property and belongs only to my blog tipsydipsydo.tumblr.com!

I’ll not accept any kind of reposting, stealing or using/editing my work!

That includes reposting my content on other social media platforms too, even when you link me as the original author.

Thank you.

* Jungkook’s POV * 

"In what are you getting yourself into, Jungkook?"

 I quietly ask myself as I get rid of my clothes behind the paravent and throw the dressing gown over his body which you laid out for me. My hands are sweaty, they tremble slightly and my heart beats wildly, as if it wants to jump right out of my chest. Excitement spreads throughout my body, leaving a faint feeling in my stomach and a certain blush rises in my cheeks. I still can't believe what I've gotten myself into . But... you looked at me so pleadingly with your dear and downright innocent eyes that I would have done anything for you with that look of yours. I want to make you happy, see that happy and contented smile on your lips, which always makes a whole horde of wild butterflies break out in my belly. 'Normally I was the shyness and silence in person and with you... with her, I feel for the first timesomething like peace and security. Especially when I consider how shy I usually am around women.', I ask myself and I don't really know the answer to that. But what can I do against my feelings? I don't really know, on the one hand they scare me, on the other hand they feel so exciting and new that I don't want to eliminate them at all.

I don't even know exactly when the whole thing started. In which moment my feelings for you grew, when I felt more than just fascination and admiration for you and your artwork. Six months ago, a small studio had opened in my district, your own studio. On the day of the opening I simply went to it of pure curiosity, I had always had such a weakness for art and photography.

I can still remember exactly how I stood in front of one of your works and was literally speechless and overwhelmed by this picture and all his small details. This painting represents a classic image of the countryside, which was often to be found everywhere. But this work was different. So full of small details and ornaments. It was so much more... As a viewer you can see a beautiful clearing, which is surrounded by trees and protected from too many curious eyes. The ground of this clearing is overgrown with dense and lush green grass, which from the incoming sunlight almost invites you to let yourself fall into the grass. It reminds me instantly of my carefree childhood, when I rolled in it without overthinking my actions too much and those times when I playfully wrestled with my best friends around until our clothes had grass stains all everywhere. I could almost smell the scent of wild, untamed nature. The longer I look at the picture, the greater the longing became. Maybe I could visit this beautiful place one day, together with my partner, my significant other. Playing around with each other, chasing your beloved one until you fall into the grass breathless laughing and cuddling. Maybe we could have a picnic there and feed each other with homemade sweets? 

I didn’t know that such a "simple" landscape painting could touch and awaken so much more in me, in my soul. Suddenly, such a wanderlust came over me that I gasped for air and a heavy lump formed in my throat. My whole body was tingling and my heart was literally screaming to get away from this dreadfully grey and monotonous daily routine of my boring single life, for at least some weeks. I want to go to this place, where I could draw the warm and fresh, natural air could deep into my lungs and pamper myself with homemade delicacies. Just to let the soul dangle and don’t stuck with my closely clocked work life. Maybe sleep until 10 o'clock in the morning and then maybe have a nice nap later. Enjoy the warm nights and hear the crickets chirping. This longing was... irrepressible. This particular wanderlust for nature, just to be out of the city, this longing for exactly this abandoned and untouched forest clearing literally overwhelmed me. What was it for an artist who could trigger such feelings and emotions in me?

I had been so absorbed in the artwork that I had not even noticed that a person step next to me. "Do you like the work?", asked a soft melodic voice, which spoke perfect Korean, but was pervaded by a light accent, which I could not quite assign. I flinched a little, but this bright, happy laugh gave me a tingling goosebumps all over my body. What a beautiful laugh... I turned to the person who was the owner of this beautiful voice. I was startled when I realized that the artist and owner of this studio was standing in front of me personally. I recognized her again, as I had seen a small photo of her in the newspaper article that drew my attention to this beautiful studio in the first place. Already in this picture she had radiated something so strong, colorful, cheerful and lively, which caused an excited flutter in my stomach. 

I admit, I already laid an eye on her just by her appearance. Unfortunately I always had a hard time getting to know people ever since, let alone to talk to women. And now having you, Y/N, personally standing right in front of me, made me feel fluffy and excited in my stomach. Nothing is left of this otherwise so sassy and self-confident  man that I used to be. Only a nervous and stodgy twenty-three-year-old idiot, who did not know what to say or wanted to say, now stands in front of this stunningly pretty and intelligent woman.

Her eyes sparkles like jewels, full of joy, struck me with interest and a playful smile lays on her lips. "Did you not understand my question?", she asked kindly, but nobly reserved. Immediately a rosy puff settled on my cheeks and I stuttered nervously: "Y-Yes, excuse me! I... I was just somewhere else with my thoughts and was completely surprised that they were addressing me personally.... Your works are truly unique! They still show such ‘usual’ motifs and yet they are so special because of these finely elaborated details and this passion with which this work of art was painted. They really are... Unique artworks that you do not forget so quickly. Even for untrained eyes as my owns, I can see that a talented artist has worked on it. I am very impressed by your work, especially this work here!" You could hear the honest admiration from my voice and my heart leapt as she reacted bashful to all of my compliments.

"Thank you, really, thank you so much! I really appreciate to hear such nice words like yours, even if it is rare. I am often criticized for my ‘lack of creativity’, caused by my chosen motives. I just love the rough, almost untouched landscapes of my hometown, I try to depict the ‘normal’ as something beautiful, unique. I would like to ‘really see’ what we already take for granted again. As a wonderful creation, a work of art. Nature is a wonderful example of this, or the architecture of buildings as well. Architects are also artists, although unfortunately they are not seen as such. I just want to offer the obvious things a more meaningful space again.... People like you have become rare. I have observed how you have recognized the true meaning, this beauty and aesthetics in such a ‘usual-looking’ motif. And this pleases me so much that you can read 'between the brushstrokes'. Oh... Excuse me, I always talk way too much when someone shows an interest in art or music, my personal passions. Besides that, I have not introduced myself to you yet, I am Y/N! I was obviously so pleased to see your understanding, empathetic look at this work, if you understand what I mean... Anyway... I can guess that you knew my name already, don't you? What about you? May I know your name?", asked you, beautiful artist, with her really stunning smile.

I swallowed nervously, never before had a young lady mixed my emotions so much in me. Even the picture of her in the newspaper article, which I had read out of boredom in one of my lectures, got me so emotionallyconfused. I didn't want to say it in front of my teasing friends, but I had been really excited when I set off this Friday night. And now the creator of these works of art stood before me and seemed to want to have a longer conversation with me. My heart beats to my throat and I got sweaty hands from this nervousness in my poor body. Honestly, as soon as I wasn't surrounded by my clique of friends, I automatically turned into a nervous, slightly abashed blushing and stuttering guy who behave like an inexperienced teenager. 

In private life, without my best mates by the side, I am not so confident and daredevil. After all, I always had someone who could cover my back when things get tough, while I am on my own without anyone I know. You could usually only believe and trust, not control. That's probably why I struggled with interpersonal relationships. I always overthink too much and have some struggles with my self-confidence.

And now this attractive young woman looked at me with such interest and joy, just me. I was actually the reason for her interest. A joyful and blissful tingling seized every pore, every fiber of my body. Yes, in fact it was just me! Not my best buddy Seokjin, whom I have known since childhood and always sought the attention of everyone. It was no exaggeration to say that he was perhaps a little narcissistic, but only to cover up his own insecurities. Never would I have thought that someone would manage to get this personification of self-love under control. I admired his wife for standing up to Seokjin and keeping him and his dad Jokes at bay. Believe it or not, she of all people had the pants on in the house and knew how to deal with my best friend.

My gaze glided over the figure of the person in front of me and once again I took a sharp breath. I was so nervous to face her personally, a person I already deeply admired and had quite a respect for. I simply did not want to do anything wrong, even if this charm of hers was almost tangible and paralyzed my entire brain with its function. I can already picture how my mind waved wildly goodbye to myself and went to the summer holiday in the Caribbean.

This carefree smile and these beautiful eyes harmonized wonderfully with your complexion. Your features were awake and alive, seemingly always a slight smile surrounded the corners of your mouth, which provoked almost paradoxical reactions in my body. Your smile awake countless butterflies to flutter around in my stomach, which made me quite nervous and at the same time you radiated such a sense of security and calm, as if there was no reason not to get a word out of shyness. My gaze, which I hope examined you unobtrusively enough, wandered to your hands. You had long fingers, I could really imagine how they elegantly held the handle of the paint brushes and worked on these small details extensively in such a calm behavior. Which satisfied and concentrated calmness you possibly radiated while doing that...

A small, noble clearing of your throat again tore me out of my fantasies and speculations. God, what was I today but inattentive! How rude I must have seemed to you...

"Oh, sorry... I... I have not been able to keep my thoughts together all day..." I lied to seem at least a little more credible. Nervously, I pulled on the knot of my tie to loosen it up a little before I have a circulatory collapse. Before I went here, I thought for a long time about what I should wear for this occasion. Jeans and T-shirt were out of the question, too casual and almost an insult for your atelier. A complete suit, however, seemed too overdressed to me and so I decided for a black dress pants and a dark blue dress shirt.Understanding, Y/N nodded and gave me a cheering smile, which made my body tingle again. This woman drove me half crazy alone with his friendly gestures. How could it be that this polite lady got me confused right away?!

And somehow, it gave me a frenzy to leave my secure, anonymous side as a visitor to her exhibition and irrevocably reveal my true identity to you.

"My name is Jeon Jungkook."I answered in a slightly trembling voice, hardly daring to look into her eyes and rubbing my neck unobtrusively.

* Jungkook’s POV *

If only I had guessed what would change in me, how you changed me. That so much more would develop from a pure interest and a simple formal business contact... that you want to make me one of your artworks.

I take another deep breath before I dare to step out from behind the dark red paravent. It is pleasantly warm in this room, I should not freeze, if I am already so freely clothed. My gaze wanders through the small room with the huge, floor-to-ceiling window, which floods the entire room with light. The walls of the room have been painted in a dark orange and red colors and dark wooden planks lay out on the floor. It looks so comfortable due to the warm, dark tones. The orange-yellow evening sun dipped everything into something so cozy... sensual. Somehow into even a little erotic?

Y/N wants to work a lot with the light of the evening sun in this painting, which could be a little complicated if it is not suitable or if it is cloud-covered. But if you have put something into your head, especially in relation to your art, then you do everything you can do to go through it! Also the changing forces of nature cannot stop you from trying to realize your idea. Sometimes, you’re  someone who is quickly frustrated and dissatisfied with yourself as well, especially when something doesn't work as  you wants it to. Nevertheless when it comes to your passion, drawing and painting, you don’t let your idea go away, if you want something, you’ll find a way to make it happen. These are qualities that I know all too well of myself and thus my fascination about you only grows even more. The more time we spent together and I get to know more and more sides of you, the more attracted I became to you.

Your art means a lot to you and you’re quite tough in this respect, can not be overcome by the reproaches and the crushing criticism. That’s exactly what I admire so much about you, having the courage to stand up for personal passion. When I get criticized, all too often I think about really giving up on it, so that I don't have to endure all this criticism anymore. And then I look at you. How focused you are in this moment and carefully prepare for your next project. How you adjusts you easel to the right height, let your self-stretched canvas snap into place, spreads brushes of all sizes and shapes on the small side table next to you and prepares youracrylic colours. I swallow again, as I watched this happen. I am about to become one of your next artworks.

A little uncertainly I walk towards Y/N, the thin dressing gown tightly drawn around my body... never before have I felt so naked and vulnerable. This here is something else. I feel something about it... I feel something for you. For this pretty lady, who sprays her cheerfulness around her and could conjure a smile on the lips of even the most grumpy person. This joy almost kills you, completely engrossed this person and gives you the feeling of floating. You will get the feeling of being welcome at Y/N. To be accepted, with all the flaws and weaknesses that one has. She just smiles at you so gently and lovingly and just says, it's okay. It's okay to be the way you are. Imperfect.

"It is precisely this imperfect, this contradictory and also unpredictable thing that makes us human. That makes us an individual and also interesting. If we were really all as we are expected to be, it would be boring and monotonous. The surprise is only a real gift. Each of us is a very individual gift to a very specific addressee, who is the only one who can truly appreciate this gift. Only then did the recipient find the right person as his gift... Well, if the recipient knows about his gift...", Y/N once said with such a certain look at me, when we went out to dinner together in a restaurant in the evening to clarify some details. I wanted to help her find good contacts in Seoul and help her sell her works.

I can still remember it exactly... it was a quite... extraordinary evening. I was of course once again incredibly nervous and excited. At that time, I did not want to fully realize how much I already like you. Secretly, I had observed my opposite. Your positive and friendly disposition had turned my head all around... and in addition, this beautiful body and her elegant fingers, which already haunt me in the most erotic way unintentionally in my dreams. 

I could not prevent my dream pictures from shooting through my head, which is why my cheeks turned dark red in embarrassment. These fucking fantasies in my head! My eyes stare at the cutlery as if it were incredibly interesting because I didn't dare look up. There were scenes in my mind that made my ears turn red and I would’ve loved to hide behind the menu card. Your body, which made her look like a Greek goddess.

Naked, body covered in sweat, your body shook in lust, you sit up with a wonderful moan... You are on top of me, I could admire your beautiful, almost divine body as you sat on top of me... and rode me. This breathtakingly beautiful distorted face of yours, as if all this pleasure you feel is carved in marble... lids closed, your lips, swollen from all the kissing, are slightly opened which let    your lustful whimpering escape. This grace and elegance, as you rose from me and  then lowered yourself again... as your hands glide erratically over my stomach, searching for support... you suddenly threw your head back and clenched even more tightly around my length. The addicting sounds you’ve made... it’s like the most beautiful melody in my ears... squelching noises and even more of yourjuices gushing out of your sweet, so sweet pussy when you came...

An all-too-familiar laugh tore me out of my extremely indecent thoughts, which quite relieved me at first. Until I raised my head and not too far away I recognized no one but my best friend Kim Seokjin, who made very questionable hand signals in my direction. Oh my God, no! I knew that he had recently changed his job and got accepted for a position as a chef in a new restaurant... but not in this Restaurant! He will never let me life after he found out I was on a “Date” with a woman...

Even though Seokjin was on the other side of the restaurant, I could almost feel his smirk on my own skin. Fuck it, just pretend as if you do not know each other and hit him really hard tomorrow morning in the gym where we meet up for our work out. I quickly turned all my attention back to the person sitting opposite me and tried to ignore Seokjin as best I could.

It was only at the end of the evening, when I had said goodbye to Y/N, that I realized that this meeting had much more of a date than a "business dinner". How familiar we had talked with each other... how much I had thought about licking Y/N the drop from the chocolate sauce of her lava cake from her lips... how it would be... to kiss and touch you...

A noticeable blush has settled on my cheeks as I attended our first meeting together... or even Date in this Restaurant thought back. Four months had passed since then and I suffered from longing for you. You would never see me like I saw you. The reason you wanted to draw me was simply that she needed someone as a model. In addition to landscapes and cities, you want to devote herself gradually to more other motifs. And since I have been the first inquired. Your pleading eyes made me say yes. But I know that for me you have  no more than the feelings for a casual friendship. It hurts to see how you flirt  around so casually with all those other people. I would never be the gift for you as you are for me. If only the recipient would notice that there is a given heart laying in your hands...

"Ah, Jungkook! I’m glad that you're ready!", your cheerful and melodic voice cuts through the silence of the room and you’re walking towards me with excited shining eyes. "Come~," you say and lead me to the chaiselongue, which is placed in front of the large window. The soft, orange light of the evening sun falls on the wine-red fabric of the restored chaiselounge in baroque style. The upholstery has frames covered in gold and also the lion feet on which this historic furniture stands are gilded. Everything was decorated with so many Details, it looks so incredibly elegant and luxurious. On the left side there are some cushions in the same color and an elegant design is carved on the backrest, literally inviting to get used.

"Surely you know the movie 'Titanic', right? Do you remember the scene where Jack used charcoal pencils to draw an nude coal picture of Rose as she laid on the sofa? I would like to draw you in a similar position. I hope it's okay for you if I look at you more closely without a dressing gown... i want to get an overview of your body proportions.", you say, looking me straight in the eye. I notice that you’re very concerned about my privacy and does not want to overstep any of my personal boundaries without my consent. I nod slightly at first until I get a clear yes over my lips. She looks at me silently for a few seconds before reassuring me once again that we can always stop at any time if I feel uncomfortable. Especially your patience and mindfulness of my boundaries shows me how important it is for you as well and how I actually relax noticeably. Y/N smiles cheerfully at me and I slowly loosen the belt of the dressing gown and let the last garment slide to the ground. I feel her in-depth look at me... he is not uncomfortable... only... exciting... in a few different ways.

I swallow again and lie down on the chaiselongue as instructed. You correct my arm and leg position, also rearrange all of the cushions correctly. To my own relief, you put a red cloth over my crotch area. Not that I am ashamed of anything, I am more than comfortable with you already... I just have some worries that I will get a visible problem if I constantly feel your look on my bare skin.

 "It should be able to guess something, but not be allowed to see everything right away...", she whispered with a smile, before her fingertips unintentionally glide tenderly through my happy trail. One of your last smiles are... not really to interpret. Then you return to your easel.

* The Reader’s POV *

Carefully you sit down on your old painting stool, already quite worn out on the edges and stained with the most different types and tones of colors. It had originally been dark brown. You smile dreamily when you think back that you’re used to dangle your legs around when you were a little kid because it was way too big for you back then. For eighteen years now you have exactly this stool and this easel. They had been a gift from your grandfather for your fifth birthday. He had awakened the passion of painting and drawing in you and passed his talent on to you. A certain melancholy seized you when I thought back to how you used to paint your first real picture on canvas with your new easel in the old music room in your grandfather's country house. 

It had been the old, dusty grand piano, which must have been more than a hundred years old at that time. How the country house survived all these wars unscathed, you ask yourself to this day. Perhaps there had already been something magical about it at that time, which should remain untouched. Perhaps the small estate should remain an inconspicuous symbol of hope, the hope that at some point the sun and peace will return when the unbearable suffering and sorrow of this cruel time is over. When the wars were over and all those seeking protection who had fled to this country house were able to return to their own homes again. This house, this estate you can explain your childhood with a single word. Home.

You lift your thought-lost look from your empty, folded hands and look to Jungkook. He takes your breath away every time you see him. He is so special, such a wonderful and yet you firmly believe that he has not been chosen for you, such an ordinary woman as you are. He would belong to someone else with whom he would be happy, although he is the only one who was able to understand and read your works, the language in them. It... it had been such a beautiful moment when, six months ago, he stood in your newly opened studio, so absorbed by the painting of the forest of your childhood. All the other visitors had only looked at it briefly and smiled wearily at the fact that it was again only a landscape painting, but did not grasp what the story behind this work was. Why the artist chosed this very motif, to see, to feel what the creator wanted to communicate through the work. 

But Jungkook had been different. He had given the work, your personal heart, a chance to unravel the true meaning behind it. He did it slowly, bit by bit with his eyes... grasped with his whole mind and heart and finally let himself be influenced as a whole. You could tell from his body reactions that he felt exactly what you had felt when you painted it last summer. Longing. Infinite Longing. Mixed together with melancholy, a little homesickness and sorrow to a unique emotional color. The day you painted it was the last time you saw the house in your official possession. Your grandfather had left it to you. But unfortunately you lacked money, you had to pay some debts and with the best will you could not earn the money in other ways. So you had to sell it with a heavy heart. Your beloved birth and childhood home and the associated lands, you had to sell your true home away. The picture is the only thing left of it. And Jungkook was the only person who understood what you wanted to express with the painting. Longing. My Homesickness.

When all these sensations came upon him, he involuntarily clenched his hands tightly, his chest lifted and lowered quickly, his Adam's apple hopped repeatedly. His eyes were glassy. He experienced your longing as directly as you did. He... is so special. So infinitely amiable. He... he is the only person who’s able to read your true feelings in your works. He is able to read between your brush strokes.

So today you will try him... to paint a confession of love with this act. Maybe he could read... what you feel for him. Even if you know that you will probably never see him again. Because you would not be the recipient of his love and affection. He's just too... too... gifted for a simple artist like you. He would never be your gifted person.

Your gaze glides tenderly and caressingly over his body. Trying to absorb every little detail of his body, his charisma and his character into you and let it flow into the painting. Every birthmark you want to put on the canvas and hold on. You want to show Jungkook how beautiful he is. How godlike he lies before you on this majestic chaiselongue, how masculine and muscular he is, as if he wanted to embody an Adonis. You want to paint every muscle, even the smallest visible muscle, on the canvas in a realistic manner, you want to capture the strength and security that he conveys to you over and over again and make it visible to him. And yet... his gaze often corresponds to that of an intimidated, insecure fawn, which does not dare to want to get up on his legs on his own. The fear of falling again is too big. Through this painting you want to show Jungkook what he really is, what he represents for you and what you feel for him. He is... so contradictory. He is strong, godlike, powerful... and at the same time, so infinitely uncertain, vulnerable... almost pure.

Silence enters your little studio, only the regular breathing of the other and the muffled noise of the busy world outside the door could be heard. Here... here, it feels like time is standing still for a moment for the two of you. Your shared eternity had begun.

To your happiness that it is summer right now and it stays bright for a long time. Today you take more time than usual to mix colors. You want to mix a shade that perfectly matches his skin tone. You want to get the exact color of his black hair down onto the canvas, and the perfect brown for his beautiful eyes. The evening sun and the leaves of the huge treetops in front of the large window conjure up the most beautiful patterns on his immaculate body. A game of light and shadow. It seems to you that Jungkook's body, every single pore of his body has a tiny diamond, so that he begins to sparkle in the sunlight like an infinitely precious jewel. The evening sun warms him, lays a thin layer of sweat over his body. Every detail you try to bring to the canvas, every feeling, every movement of my heart, everything you feel for him, you want to bring to this canvas. You want to make him a masterpiece. Because for you, he is the most beautiful specimen, the only true crown of the human creation.

Some black strands have come loose from his manbun and have fallen on his forehead. It looks stunning, to see him like that. I had never seen him with a messy or even completely open hair... but even now these strands loosened from the braid make his facial features look so much softer and more relaxed. In it, the adult and strong man united with a young, vulnerable, shy boy. The result is... infinitely beautiful. He possesses both sides, so he makes the seemingly inexhaustible divine human being.

His eyes, drawing his eyes with that expression in them, cost you a lot of nerves. Too often you misunderstood this infinite longing that you find in his dark, brown eyes. Again and again you have to restrain yourself, not just to get up, to go over to him... and to kiss him.

This longing look you misinterpret is as longing as you own... according to your closeness, your touch, your affection... according to your love. Because you love him. You love everything about him, his sheepish laugh, the way of rubbing his neck shyly, the way he speaks and explains his point of views about things, how he smells... just everything... every blemish he blames on himself, you think it’s like an artwork on him. He is so perfectly imperfect that you just fell in love with him.

The sun has already set and only the last pink and purple streaks could be seen in the sky, with which the past day says goodbye to the world. One last time you can hear the velvety stroke of the brush over the canvas before you finally put the brush aside. It is finished. You have given everything that is in your power, used all of your artistic abilities and knowledge to the utmost and you have incorporated everything that you feel and think about into this artwork. And what you see put a smile on your lips, but also makes your pulse rise. What will Jungkook say when he looks at it? He will see it... can he read what you feel for him in it?

With a trembling voice, you call Jungkook and look at him one last time. The last time the sight of this male beauty was granted to you. One last time.

After Jungkook has wrapped himself in the dressing gown again, he slowly comes towards you and your easel. Your heart is throbbing as if it really wants to fearfully flight and jump out of your chest. Your body gets hot and cold at the same time and suddenly your hands get sweaty, the dried color on your skin mixes with the sweat to a uncomfortable mess in your palms, which somehow makes you even more nervous. Then he stands next to you. Looking at the canvas for the first time himself. The last brushstroke is still drying.

Once again there is silence, which makes you incredibly nervous and with every second that passes, you want to follow your instinct to escape. Jungkook's pupils are dilated and blown out, whether with bewilderment or horror, you can not recognize. One of his hands shoots up his mouth, he trembles all over his body. Suddenly you hear a suppressed, throaty sobbing. Surprised and a little appalled, you look at Jungkook, who has shut his eyes tightly and presses the palm of his hand even harder on his mouth, as if he wants to muffle every sound. Tears escape the corners of his eyes. This is a reaction... which you would not have expected...

Gently, mindful of any kind of resistance, you wrap your arms around his neck and hold him. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't sob, he doesn't whimper. He just cries. Tenderly, consolingly you hold him, without wanting to distress him. He literally presses his face into the crook of your neck. Salty tears drench your blouse, but it doesn't bother you. The reason why he had such an emotional outburst, you just don't understand. But still... it's okay. It is valid.

As he slowly calms down and his breathes becomes regularly again, he carefully lifts his head out of the crook of your neck and wipes the last tears out of his eyes dry in slight embarrassment. He slowly releases himself from your embrace until you finally stand silently in front of each other.

"What title you’ll give this artwork?", he asks softly, in a rough, throaty voice. You swallow . "It shall be called 'Der Geliebte'. ...it is german and translated it means... ‘The beloved’ ", you say barely audibly and lower your head. After this confession, you can no longer look him in the eyes.

Jungkook takes a sharp breath in and you're actually just waiting for a devastating response from him that would be like a death threat. But nothing of this happened. Instead, your chin is suddenly raised by his fingertips and you look into Jungkook's beautiful eyes. He bites his lower lip a little uncertainly,his own gaze falls on your pretty shaped lips. 

"Do you... do you allow me to kiss you?", he asks quietly... barely audible for you even though you’re standing so close to each other. He doesn't dare to look you into the eyes after such a question, he is too afraid that you deny his request. But you can hardly believe your luck, a high pitched ‘yes!’ flew over your lips and before you can control yourself, you press your own lips right onto his. They are incredibly soft and kiss you back in such a delightfully and endearing insecure and shy manner as no other could ever have done it.

Your heart beats full of joy and bliss and in your belly, the butterflies fly somersaults of all different kinds that your whole body began to tingle. Your mind cannot get a grasp of all this yet, but this... you don't need any more of it at this moment anyway.

The kiss is tender, shy and somewhat uncertain from both sides. Jungkook is very insecure and shy, but before he can escape like a frightened deer again, you put your arms around his neck and let your hands rest in the nape of his scalp. Again and again you detach yourselves from each other only for the fraction of a second to get a breath of air into your lungs in order to find each other lips again... until you stopped for a few seconds.

"I like you... I like you really, really much, Jungkook... I even dare to say that I fell on love with you.", you mutter softly against his lips. His shy, happy smile was too much for you, so you immediately kiss him again. Perhaps because of the sheer joy and maybe of the certainty that he feels the same for you, the next kiss turns into something more passionate than before...

[peachblossomstudy]

a few notes on rejection

hello! this is probably going to be one of the longest text posts i’ve written on this blog, but i have a few things that i think might help some people. but first, an apology for being so inactive in the original content department. winter is always where i get quite burnt out and in the uk it gets dark at around 4pm so lighting for pictures is awful. i’m still on holiday at the moment so i have time to start taking photos and queueing posts again, so hopefully i will be less inactive this month!

now that’s out of the way, on with what i actually wanted to talk about. at the end of november i was rejected by my dream university - the one i’d spent my whole life dreaming of going to, the one that had everything i was looking for in a university, the one that was perfect. i didn’t post about it at the time, and i was debating posting about it even now, but i decided that i wanted to share some of the things i learnt about academic rejection over the last few months (these are in no particular order and are probably somewhat incoherent):

it’s okay to be upset. being upset is a completely natural reaction - nobody’s going to expect you to take a rejection with joy or even just with a straight face. have a good cry about it if that’s how you feel (i certainly did). sometimes you have to let your emotions be felt and let yourself deal with that, rather than immediately trying to move on.

once you are ready to start moving on, try and get excited about something else - there were other unis i applied to that i wanted to go to, so i started looking at their websites and finding things about them that excited me. your something else may not be academic or another university, but i think it’s important to find other things to look forward to in the wake of rejection.

many people told me something along the lines of ‘rejection is redirection’. this may be kind of cheesy, but i helped me remember that my dream uni wasn’t the be all and end all of my life, and that there are other directions i could go in that i might not even know about now! hopefully in the years to come i can look back on this post and say where i was redirected to, but i know that there are still plenty of good things coming.

as someone who is lucky enough not to have yet experienced a major bereavement this may be an inappropriate or incorrect comparison, but the experience of rejection struck me as similar to the experience of grief. you can be completely fine, then someone mentions something that reminds you and the sadness hits you. you can be going about your business and suddenly remember that you’ve lost an opportunity and it will hit you all over again. i’m aware that this is probably all rather overly dramatic, but academic rejection is somewhat a small bereavement, you will find yourself grieving for a lost future, and that’s okay.

it may be hard to be happy for people who got accepted where you didn’t, but my thoughts were that their getting a place/interview/offer (especially if they were applying for a different course) didn’t actively reduce my chances of getting one. 

in the same vein as the previous point, another thing i think helped me is that being sad about getting rejected won’t magically mean the decision gets reversed. after i’d allowed myself to be sad, this mindset was useful in picking myself up and looking towards other things.

as a final point i wanted to say that rejection does not make you any less worthy of love, success or great things in life. you are amazing, hardworking and a wonderful person - rejection does not define you.

if you’ve stuck around to here i’m extremely grateful. this post is much more personal than anything i usually write on here, so i may regret the mortifying ordeal of being known and delete this. the aim of this post was to share my experience, my (rather unsure) advice and hopefully help at least one other person going through the same thing. if you have anything to add, please, please reblog and add it, i’d love to hear it <3