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recurring-polynya · 5 years ago

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I think it’s pretty evident by now that I am something of a connoisseur of Bleach filler. Like greatness, this is not a thing I have chosen for myself, it is just a thing that has been thrust upon me. And to that end, I need you to know that Bleach #147-149 is the template on which all other filler should be built. I love it. It’s perfect.

I’ve chosen to group it in with the Advance Team Filler, even though it really takes place during the early Hueco Mundo arc. There’s more HM filler much, much later, but it’s after the Cap’n Amagai filler arc, and I feel like this fits more thematically with the Advance Team filler. Also, all the other members of the Advance Team got their own episode and these are Rukia’s.

These episodes are everything I wanted #136-137 to be. One thing that I always want in filler is shitty bad guys who are way below our heroes’ usual standard. I get enough of Ichigo training and tapping into his inner strength during the canon parts. When I’m watching filler, I only want to see him whale on some throwaway villains. The Fullbringer Arc is not actually filler, but it has Big Filler Energy, and Zaraki killing that butler dude in half a second is the most gratifying part of it.

So, let’s jump in:

We’re in Hueco Mundo, Rukia and Renji have just showed up in their sweet capes, everyone is riding around on Bawabawa. Runuganga, the huge sand dude they defeated last episode, shows up again (he’s made of sand, so he can never die, I guess?) Rukia tries to Second Dance him, but she’s standing on Bawabawa during the part of the attack where the blades go down into the ground, they go into poor Bawabawa instead and he freaks out (and then Renji scolds her, it’s beautiful). Runuganga then makes a sand whirlpool and the process of falling into it, Rukia falls off Bawabawa and gets separated from everyone else as they fall down into the ::Forest::of::the::Menos:: (end reverb)

Everyone in this filler is extremely stupid, but it’s okay, because it doesn’t matter, in fact, it is charming and hilarious. There’s some physical comedy of the Great Desert Brothers falling on Ichigo’s head, Ishida holds forth on Hueco Mundo flora, and literally like 10 minutes pass before Renji notices Rukia is gone and everyone’s like “Whaaaaaa? Rukia, whaaaaat?” They go looking for her, and once again, I cannot emphasize enough that Ichigo and Renji are just Jason-from-the-Good-Place level morons in this episode. Ichigo theorizes that perhaps Rukia is so light that she has been blown away and Renji is all aboard his idiot train.

So, where is Rukia, anyway? She lands somewhere else and immediately gets attacked by Hollows. She’s not really having any trouble holding them off when this dude in a stinky cape covered in Hollow skulls shows up and “saves” her. It’s like this guy saw Renji’s bankai capelet, and said, “this, but cocktail length with extra skulls.” He takes Rukia back to his bachelor cave, where he has cubbies full of mushrooms and a sweet kidou lamp he made himself. Rukia realizes he is a shinigami and yells “WHAT’S YOUR SQUAD?” at him a bunch. He takes off his mask to reveal that he is in fact, dreamy. His name is Ashido and he is Extremely Rukia’s Type, by which I mean he is tall, has spikey hair, and is not very bright.

We get a flashback of Ashido’s sad origin story: he and a bunch of his squad members followed some Hollows back through a Garganta and got stuck in Hueco Mundo. He figures that he can do more good exterminating Hollows where they live rather than trying to get home, so they stay there and fight Hollows until all his friends are dead. Oops. The very sexy Hollow Zorak skull he wears as a mask was in fact, the head of the Hollow who killed his last friend. He uses Hollow skulls to deflect ceros which seems… useful? And sort of made up? As he’s telling this story, the camera pans out and there are a bunch of graves? And he’s like, “I wanted to tell you this story in front of my friends so they could hear the voice of a shinigami again.” Rukia, of course, is like “Ahhhh cool cool cool cool cool cool, no doubt, no doubt” as if she doesn’t also have a hill of friend graves that she likes to pose in front of. He asks Rukia if they have noticed a decrease in Hollows in the Living World due to his efforts and Rukia refuses to answer or to make eye contact. He then observes that some weird crap has been going on lately, did something happen in Soul Society? and Rukia is like “So many things happen in Soul Society, it’s basically unknowable.” Rukia is my queen and president, I love her.

Asido then observes that some morons with too much reiatsu seems to be fighting nearby and attracting every Hollow in the vicinity. Rukia is like, yeah, they’re mine. As they head off in that direction, they get attacked by Hollows and Ashido relives his entire flashback again, but in negative colors. Baller move, Filler Episode.

Some other stuff has happened-- Chad and Ishida rode Bawabawa up a tree? Nel and her Fraccion got kidnapped by the Hollows whom Aizen has allegedly put in charge of the Forest of Menos? I feel like Aizen just said that to get rid of them, these guys are more like some over-enthusiastic Steelers fans you accidentally sat next to at the bar than actual villains. All this is slightly boring, except for two things:

1. Everyone has started treating Bawabawa like Lassie, where he goes “BAWABAWAWAWABAWA” and someone will reply to him like he’s a person, “Nel has been kidnapped? She’s stuck in the old abandoned well?” I love Bawabawa so much, I love yelling “BAWABAWA”, and I never once got sick of this gag, not even for a second.

2. As you might expect, the Forest of Menos is full of Menos. Hundreds of Menos. Pantsloads of Menos. You may remember a million episodes ago, when Ichigo still had Rukia’s powers, and he had to tie his sword to Ishida’s head in order to defeat a Menos. Those days are over. Menos are bowling pins now. Ichigo and the gang are just annihilating Menos. Menos corpses everywhere. Chad punches a Menos in the foot and it dies. I’m pretty sure Renji deflects a cero with his bare arm and then kills like 30 Menos who are standing in a line, which makes them very convenient to run over with Hihiou Zabimaru. Ashido has been down here for *hundreds of years* trying to reduce the number of Hollows, and it’s clear that the Karakura Kids + Renji could clear this place out in an afternoon and still have the energy to go Cosmic Bowling afterwards.

Meanwhile, Rukia and Ashido run into Ashido’s old nemesis, the Boss Hollow of the Forest. Ashido fights him dramatically for a while, and then he makes a bad deflection and the guy is about to hit Rukia, “RUUUUUKIIAAAAA NOOOOOOO!”, mantis skull flashback *again.* And here is where this episode becomes next level, because Rukia goes to shikai and just goes ham on the guy, and you realize that she has been slumming this entire time. Ashido is a joke. He doesn’t even have shikai. Rukia is so much better than him and the only explanation for this is that she’s been letting him look cool because she wants to tap that. Ashido just accepts this, and I assume this is the point where they have mediocre Hueco Mundo sex.

We go back to the boys, who have defeated all the Hollows they could find and found the exit, and are fretting because they still don’t know where Rukia is. Then Rukia just walks up, “Hey guys, what’s going on in this thread?” They all start to leave when one of the Hollows from earlier comes back (you had ONE JOB, Ichigo, everyone else killed their Hollow) with 50 Menos. Keep in mind, based on earlier events, this would take Ishida like 6 seconds to take care of, but Ashido has to dramatically face them himself. There’s a hilarious bit where he turns back to fight the Hollow and Ichigo and Renji run right past him. He can’t even run fast. He’s terrible. Anyway, some rocks start falling and Ichigo and Renji get entranced by them (shiny!) and Ashido jumps past the rockslide to fight the Hollows and is therefore trapped and they have to leave him behind.

Back on the surface, Rukia takes a knee and makes a dramatic speech while Ichigo and Renji stand behind her like good wingmen and press F in chat. It ends with this:

I cannot see this without thinking about that part in Shrek 2 where Shrek says “I promise I shall repay you, unless I can’t find you, or I forget!” Especially because Rukia 100% forgets that Ashido exists and we never see him again.

Advance Team Filler Masterpost

#bleach filler #rukia kuchiki #ashido #hueco mundo #menos #six hearts beat as one #morons #these utter buffoons #BAWABAWA #rukia is perfect #i bet orihime is sad she missed this

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builtperil · 5 years ago

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Anonymous said:

how does mod feel about Johnny brovo? oh and the final season of samurai jack

;; believe it or not, I’ve hardly watched EITHER! I’ve always been the kind of person that prefers the more ridiculous, slapstick cartoons; NOT TO SAY that either had none of this - but the farther from realism, the better it is for me! that being said; johnny bravo, despite my lack of having seen it, will ALWAYS be considered one of those CN classics to me! when I think of cartoon network - or particularly, it’s prime time in the 90′s, johnny bravo among other cartoons are the first to cross my mind. I don’t have much of an opinion on it! johnny seems obnoxious but in his hilarious, chad-like way that CAN get a little annoying but will keep you coming back for more. I SHOULD probably give it a look through sometime just to get my vibes checked. 8 / 10, would probably date !

;; as for samurai jack; I have heard NOTHING but good things throughout the series, & you can tell even if you haven’t watched it - that this show was genndy’s BABY & that there was a LOT of love & thought put into each episode. one of the deeper, more impactful shows I’ve heard come from cartoon network back in the day. -- & ESPECIALLY with it’s final seasons being made through the freedom of adult swim’s network. that was a pretty bold & intriguing move, even if I haven’t looked into it myself. once again, I can’t give you much of an opinion aside from what I’ve heard because I haven’t seen the original series NOR the final seasons, but it seems like a work of art! maybe not my cup of tea exactly, but I’d be willing to see it just to understand the hype if nothing else!

;; both, I consider apart of the perfect lineup for CN’s finest run yet, despite it all! & also, semi-unrelated but bravojack shippers ??? I don’t Know but I love You

#anonymous #;;ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ˡᵃᵇ. ( OOC. )#;;ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳ ᵇᵉ ⁱᵐᵖᵒʳᵗᵃⁿᵗ ᵃⁿᵒⁿ.. ( inbox. )#;; I live in the 90's but I'm such a Sham OGHG #;;I GOT TO ADMIT THOUGH #;; ODDLY EXCITED TO ANSWER THESE NGL #;; but there u have it !!!!!

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khalifaalsuwaid1 · 7 years ago

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Drag Race Winners Ranked

I should start out by stating two things:

1) This is not a “least favorite to favorite” list. If it were, these would be in a completely different order. I’m ranking the queens based on their runs on the seasons they won in, the queens they were up against, and their overall C.U.N.T.

2) These are my opinions, and mine only. If you disagree, fantastic! People have different opinions, it’s what makes us human.

Edit: Updated with our Season 10 winner, Aquaria!

13) Trixie Mattel

Trixie isn’t a bad or mediocre queen by any means, despite undoubtedly being the most undeserving Drag Race winner as of yet. If it weren’t for All Stars 3′s (one of the most disappointing, soulless Drag Race seasons, but that’s another post entirely) ridiculously flawed jury twist, where previously eliminated queens decide the top two All Stars, and BenDeLaCreme eliminating herself, she wouldn’t have won. Her performance on All Stars 3 was mediocre in the first half of the season, but she turned it out in the second half. There were, however, other queens that did much better than her throughout the season, and were solid all the way through. I think Trixie’s great, but her win felt extremely anticlimactic, and it wasn’t really her fault.

12) Sasha Velour

“Four challenge wins, four challenge wins..

Then the finale comes and the crowned queen is?…”

Sasha is a great queen. She’s intellectual, artsy, unique, annoyingly endearing with her history lessons that pop out of seemingly nowhere, and her run on Season 9 was relatively great, landing in the bottom once and never having to lip sync for her life. She’s winner material through and through. Why is she this low on the list, you might ask? Two words: Shea Couleé.

Let’s be honest, Season 9 was Shea’s season. She won four challenges, a record which she shared with two queens at the time, Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck (AS2), both of whom won their respective seasons. Even the editors weren’t expecting Sasha to win, since Shea was very clearly getting the winner’s edit. Season 9 felt like Season 8 most of the way through in terms of how obvious the winner was. “There’s no way in hell Shea isn’t winning this” the majority of people thought. Then it happened. In one of the most iconic moments in the show’s history, rose petals came flooding out of Sasha’s wig during her lip sync against Shea, and it all came crashing down.

��It’s not right but it’s okay” was the perfect final lip sync song, indeed.

11) Violet Chachki

This is where things get tough, because from here on out, I genuinely believe every single winner deserved the title of “America’s Next Drag Superstar.”

Oh, Season 7. Such a great cast wasted on a stupid amount of acting challenges. It’s a shame Violet never got the chance to REALLY shine during the non-runway parts of the season, because she’s a fantastic queen. Interestingly, her best moment came from an episode of Season 8, not 7. At the end of Season 8′s crowning episode, she came out wearing what is, in my humble opinion, the best thing to walk down a runway in the entirety of the series, stealing the three finalists of Season 8′s thunder.

She might not have always been at the top during the challenges in her season, and she can come off a bit rude, but when it came to the runway, she never under-delivered. Being up against, in the words of Trixie Mattel, “a partially sedated twink from Brooklyn” might have helped her win the crown, though. Ginger Minj was stiff competition, but in the end, Violet prevailed. Thank God she did, because she gave us one of the most iconic moments of Season 8, one which I’m obviously still not over.

10) Tyra Sanchez

Let’s get this out of the way: No, Raven was not robbed.

Look, Tyra can be mean-spirited, hateful and rude. Tyra on Season 2 was, in all honesty, a bitch. But you know what? She fucking deserved the crown. Her reasoning behind being a bitch was that she was focused on winning the season, and while I’m not sure if that’s true or not, she definitely slayed the game. Tyra delivered in almost every single episode of her season, and has her fair share of iconic moments (”DIS GROOB IS FOR MAH GIRLS” remains one of my favorite Drag Race moments ever!) She unfortunately gets a lot of unwarranted hate from “fans” of the show for “robbing” Raven of her crown and being a bitch.

Being nice is great and all, but Tyra showed us that you don’t have to be Miss Congeniality to be America’s Next Drag Superstar.

Unfortunately, Tyra has lost her way recently. It’s extremely unfortunate, because she’s extremely beautiful and talented.

9) Chad Michaels

I’m going to try my best not to reference The Hunger Games during this section.

If there’s one thing the Drag Race fanbase can universally agree on, it’s that All Stars 1 is objectively the worst season of Drag Race ever, because of its oh-my-god-this-is-so-stupid-who-thought-this-was-a-good-idea teams twist. This is why Chad’s win is usually swept under the rug in the community, but in all honesty, I’m just glad Chad won something.

During Chad’s run on Season 4, he showed us how a professional drag queen acts, dresses and talks. If it weren’t for Sharon Needles, Chad would have probably won the season. There’s really not much else to say other than Chad was a really polished queen that deserved to win something, even it was the worst season of a great show.

8) Bebe Zahara Benet

Dubbed “The Lost Season,” Season 1 of Drag Race is kind of a mess. The best kind, of course. The budget was paper thin, they had that awful vaseline filter throughout the whole thing, and nobody knew what they were doing. Not Ru, not the producers and definitely not the contestants. In a way, Season 2 was actually the first season of Drag Race, whereas Season 1 felt like an elaborate pitch. There was no “Snatch Game,” a challenge that would become a staple in the series, for example.

However, Season 1 has something later seasons lack in a major way: genuineness. The contestants of Season 1 didn’t really come in with catchphrases prepared, or cared how “fans” would harass them on social media. They were a bunch of men in wigs having fun. One of those contestants, Bebe, really stood out. Born in Cameroon, as she likes to remind us (she really, really likes to remind us) she had and still has a sense of presence none of the other contestants on the show have. When she walks on stage, you really feel like a Queen is walking down the runway. To this day, she is the sole queen that gives off those vibes.

She is sadly always forgotten, despite having a stellar run on Season 1 and being the OG winner. Thankfully, All Star 3, where she had another great run, put her back on the radar. May she never be forgotten again. Cameroooon!

7) Aquaria

In all of my years watching Drag Race, I’ve never done a complete 180 on a Ru Girl as hard and fast as I did on Aquaria. Rewatching her “Meet the Queens” video, I still have no idea why she presented herself the way she did. Going into the Season, I saw Aquaria as a bratty look Queen that was extremely full of herself, and to be quite honest, the first few episodes didn’t change my viewpoint.

As the season went on, however, she started to show her true self. Aquaria went from a brat to a sweet, awkwardly endearing dork, and I loved every single microsecond of it.

I’ve failed to mention her runway looks, which were nothing short of excellent. Every time she walked out on the runway, all you saw was polish from head to toe. Her Mermaid, Hats Incredible and Evil Twin looks are absolutely breathtaking. Her performance in the challenges was just as good. If you had told me Aquaria would win Snatch Game at the beginning of the Season, I would have laughed in your face. But she did. Week after week, she defied expectations and was always full of surprises.

She didn’t deserve the crown, the crown was deserved by her. It truly is the dawning of the Age of Aquaria.

6) Bob the Drag Queen

I’m paraphrasing, but Thorgy Thor, a contestant on Season 8 of Drag Race, said something along the lines of knowing she wasn’t going to win when she saw Bob walk into the werkroom for the first time in an interview.

Season 8, perhaps more than any season of Drag Race, had the most predictable winner, and yet, nobody was really mad about it. The reason being is that Bob deserved every single fake jewel on that crown. Season 8 had a fantastic cast, but Bob was so much better than the rest of them, it bordered on being unfair. You could sense that the moment he walked into the werkroom.

Fashion and Makeup is where Bob usually faltered, but more than made up for it by being absolutely hilarious in acting challenges, killing Snatch Game, and all around just being a good sport.

There’s this thing about Bob that other winners lack but I can’t quite put my finger on it. He feels…”Real,” I guess? I don’t really know how to put it into words, but whenever Bob talks, he exudes friendliness, whereas most of the other winners have an “aura” around them. It makes him very, very special.

5) Jinkx Monsoon

Everyone loves a good underdog story!

For the first half of her season, Jinkx mostly flew under the radar, despite constantly doing great in challenges. The other queens started realizing that she was a threat around halfway point of the season, when it was a little too late to be able to do something about it.

Because of this, Rolaskatox, a clique created by Roxxxy Andrews, Alaska Thunderfuck, and Detox Icunt, started going ham on Jinkx, bullying and hating on her every time she did as much as draw a breath. It felt very similar to Season 3′s “Heathers vs. Boogers,” except this time, “Boogers” was made up of one person. Seeing Jinkx take them down one by one felt fantastic and oh, so satisfying.

Jinkx, out of all the winners, is probably the nicest and most innocent one. She’s kind and completely unbothered by any kind of drama whatsoever. She marches to the sound of her own drum, and it’s honestly so refreshing.

4) Raja Gemini

Raja gets major props for winning hands-down, the most difficult season of Drag Race yet. Queens frequently say that Drag Race is the “Olympics of Drag,” and rightfully so (Yara Sofia wouldn’t have broken down during a lip sync if it weren’t. Season 3 in particular was pretty bad.) But other than that, Raja served some of the most creative and iconic looks to ever grace the runway. Her Marie Antoinette and Native American looks, I imagine, are engraved in everyone’s minds because of how beautiful they were. Her drag is extremely different than everyone else, especially than the ones that were on her season.

She also gets props for beating Manila Luzon, who is undoubtedly the most talented runner-up in the show’s herstory.

To this day, Raja still delivers some of the most gag-worthy looks to come out of Ru girls, and managed to stay relevant by being the co-host of “Fashion Photo Ruview,” a show where she and Season 2′s Raven Toot and Boot looks from episodes of Drag Race.

3) Sharon Needles

When Sharon walked down the post-apocalypse runway dressed up as a half zombie, half mummy thing, with blood pouring out of her mouth, she made an impact on the entirety of drag. Up until that point, drag, especially on Drag Race, hadn’t gone there.

This is why Sharon is celebrated, because she showed everyone that drag wasn’t just about looking fishy, pretty or anything of the sort. Drag can be spooky, disgusting and horrifying. I don’t believe Sharon invented this kind of drag, but she certainly brought it to the forefront. I honestly believe that Dragula, another drag competition, would not exist had Sharon not won Season 4.

She was also a part of one of the best Drag Race storylines, if not the best: Sharon vs Phi Phi. No matter how hard the show tries, it just can’t replicate the legendary rivalry between those two girls. Sharon obviously prevailed at the end, but it was a story for the ages.

2) Alaska Thunderfuck 5000

I’m going to say something a bit controversial here: Alaska isn’t really one of my favorite queens. She comes off as a bit of a perfectionist, something I personally despise. Why is she this high on the list, then?

As I stated at the beginning, this isn’t a “least favorite to favorite” list. It’s a list based on queens’ strength, and I struggle to find someone as unapologetically talented as Alaska.

She is, in my opinion, the most well-rounded queen in the show’s herstory. She can act, sing, lipsync, serve looks, read…I could go on. She’s the epitome of “Jack-of-all-trades, master of all.” She absolutely swept the floor during All Stars 2. Yes, it might’ve been rigged for her, but even if it weren’t, she’d still easily sweep the floor and win.

She’s also a Drag Race superfan, and will probably get any sort of reference you throw at her.

1) Bianca Del Rio

Pretendstobeshocked.gif

I mean, was there really any other choice? We’ve reached a point where I personally believe we’re never getting a winner as good as Bianca, and a season as good as Season 6 of Drag Race, and I’m at peace with that.

Bianca is the living embodiment of C.U.N.T. She’s charismatic as all hell, unique and unlike any other queen, can and will read a bitch whenever she gets the chance to, and she’s out-of-this-world talented.

She sailed through her season, never landing in the bottom 3. Just like Bob, everyone knew Bianca was going to win the moment she walked in, but nobody cared because it just felt right.

It felt right.

#rupaul's drag race #rupauls all stars #trixie mattel #sasha velour #violet chachki #tyra sanchez #bebe #chad micheals #bob the drag queen #jinkx monsoon #Raja #sharon needles #alaska thvnderfvck #bianca del rio #Aquaria #Drag Race #Season 10 #Rupaul

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canemmylove · 5 years ago

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One Tree Hill Thread - Part 3

i’m hoping it’s a great season and i get my mouth shut because i hate time jumps and this is A FOUR YEAR ONE so i’m guessing it has to be worth it. i thought we would get some of their college lives but ok, I'll wait.

well at least Lucas looks like he’s finally grown up, he seemed to be the only one that wouldn’t age with the seasons before lmao.

why james looks more like Lucas than like Nathan and why am i not surprised.

James best season is 4 (so far) because he looks insanely beautiful THE WHOLE SEASON.

they tricked us big time when it comes to revealing what happened to Nathan, this season is growing on me.

i need to scream here: JAMIE IS THE CUTEST AND FUNNIEST KID IN THE WORLD.

who allowed my parents to have those haircuts?

someone looks stunning tho... i wasn't sure about Payton's hair style but i was more like a shock, she looks beautiful.

i can’t believe those bastards would bully Haley on her first day, I'm pissed.

omg i really want Nathan to be ok again but mainly i want him to get a haircut but idk if that was James (actor) haircut or if it was actually Nathan so idk if it will happen.

i’m not gonna be chill with Spenser’s sister (lmao i knew her from pll first) flirting with Nathan.

Haley driving a range rover is SUCH big dick energy.

Nathan was a pain in the ass for 2 EPS & THAT WAS IT. after Haley told him to grow a pair, he said fuck it & did it. now he’s asking about her day as she’d told him before to worry about people around & not himself only. NATHAN IS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AT ITS BEST.

HE TOOK HER SUNGLASSES SO SHE COULD EAT COMFORTABLE, IS THERE A BETTER MAN IN THE ENTIRE PLANET!?! (link to the post/video)

Lucas lies to all of his girlfriends. he told Lindsay that his love for her is forever and we all know that’s bullshit.

I just realised that Sofia Bush & Chad Murray were married btw 2005-06 & that’s btw ss 3, now i’m watching ss 5 and haven’t realised any lost of chemistry or awkwardness btw them. i’m gonna say whether they loved each other or not (if not it’s easier, right?) GREAT acting skills

2020 me is wondering wtf was that comment in the ( )

finally! the cutie is back with THE hairstyle <3

that's the team i want

how about MINDING YOUR OWN FREAKING BUSINESS LUKE? your relationship was over long ago, no matter whose fault it was. it's not like you know the guy nor do it for Payton's best interest but because of your jealousy

if nanny keeps flirting with nathan and supporting lindsay against payton i’m gonna be really mad.

Lindsay being jealous and the nanny flirting with nathan is gonna make me loose it.

i’m worried about the whole nanny storyline because it’s gonna show many things that have to do with trust, respect, real feelings, some little chauvinism and it’s like a whole deal omg.

QUENTIN SNAPPED when he punched the dickhead that touched haley’s butt & i’m gonna say that even tho hales said that he wasn’t worth it and i didn’t want nathan to get in a fight again and the fact that violence doesn’t fix anything... QUENTIN SNAPPED AND IMMA SAY YES BOY FINALLY.

LUCAS YOU HYPOCRITE BASTARD, YOU ARE LYING TO YOURSELF, LINDSAY AND PAYTON FOR NO REASONABLE REASON!

something i love that is hilarious is that even tho it’s been 4 years since they’ve finished high school, they have the same troubled relationships and struggles that they had in high school with the only difference that they have jobs now but that’s it.

why is Brooke/Sophia aphonic in some episodes? like it’s pretty noticeable in episode 7 and 8.

COULD THEY STOP BLAMING PAYTON FOR NOT WANTING TO MARRY LUKE BACK THEN? they’d fallen apart & she was super busy & he asked out of the blue. now is P a bitch bc she wants to get back together now when he’s dating Lindsay? mmno? he can say no & we all know he still loves P too.

Payton needs to step aside now because he has already asked Lindsay. now we (and they) all know he loves Payton and he’s lying to himself. it’s perfect if he’s mad at P because she rejected his proposal, like he wanted something that she didn’t but i won’t take all of them blaming Payton for not being ready to get married back then when she was super busy and super disconnected with Luke. she didn’t even say no, she said that she wanted to wait and her job was all over the place. SO COULD THEY STOP FUCKING BLAMING HER?

let Mouth be happy with someone he’s in love with for 2 episodes at least challenge.

what Carrie looks like VS what i think when they mention Carrie, tho the first one is the only real evil.

i need Nathan to show the person he is and tell Carrie to get the fuck out. he hasn’t said anything about her kissing him yet so i hope it doesn’t go further.

WELL I LITERALLY CHOKE WHEN HALEY SAID THAT SHE WANTED A DIVORCE. I CAN’T WATCH THIS, NO WAY. 1) i choke because i was shocked but also 2) it was the most random and inappropriate moment to ask him for a divorce! poor kid just made it alive and she was thinking about that!?

and what was that “stay away from us!” when she just realised that Jamie was barely alive? Nathan jumped into the pool and grabbed him!

and NONE OF THIS justifies Nathan’s lamest attitude with Carrie. he should’ve stopped her since the fucking first moment and that’s inexcusable at all. IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.

BUT NALEY CAN’T GET A DIVORCE NOR ANYTHING NEAR A SEPARATION BECAUSE THEY’RE THE PERFECT AND ONLY COUPLE.

tw // cancelled since day 0 but bitch what the fucking fuck actually.

well now how am i supposed to keep hating Lindsay when she takes care of Nathan and is doing something to make Nathan and Haley talk? that’s not fair i can’t like her!

poor kid Jamie has to chose whether to trust in Dan or Carrie the nanny, the kid be like.

he was so right here, uncle Skills spilling the tea

I MEAN WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME PSYCHO?

this kid Jamie is so smart it's scary

#oththread #oth #one tree hill #nathan scott #haley james scott #onetreehill

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tellywoodtrash · 7 years ago

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ishqbaaz 28.08.17 lb

plain text version here.

rewatching the scene from yesterday instead of fwding as usual, just to mentally prepare myself for what’s coming. 😐😐😐

favt part: rudra’s bitch!face at pinky. god i love this boy and his steadfast bhaabi love so much. 😊😊😊

god it doesn’t make it easier to hear pinky say “tera jo kuch bhi hai, mera hai, mera, sirf mera!” the second time round either. like i know she’s not just talking about his money, but also his loyalty and commitment and who he is as a person, but man... the money is a huge fucking part, and to hear that from your MOM... just ow. 😖😖😖

usse khud nahi pata wtf the NKK sach is, but the way he played his hand to get pinky to come out with it. well done, shaatir singh oberoi. i haven’t been this proud of your smarts since... well, ever. 😌😌😌

why would she admit the lie out loud? 😕😕😕

guess she’s completely lost it. she’s in that hysterical mode where she no longer has control over wtf is coming out her mouth. 😬😬😬

aw man, their faces. not just shivika’s, but omRu’s too. allllll that suffering they went through for over 4 months, for fucking nothing. 😪😪😪

idk how anika’s found her voice to even say anything. i would have just fucking passed out right there. 😶😶😶

ok never thought i’d feel sympathy for shakti of all people, but oh man... the poor guy. 😞😞😞

WHAT????? MAHI WAS NOT HIS BROTHER?????????? FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I REALLY REALLY LOVED MAHI VE AND WANTED HIM TO BE SHIVAAY’S BADA BHAIIII. WHERE IS HE? WILL WE NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN? 😫😫😫😫😫😫

GOD I’M SO DEVASTATED RIGHT NOW AT THE LOSS OF MAHI. I REALLY FEEL LIKE A PART OF MY HEART HAS GONE MISSING. 😥😥😥😥

shivaay ka paara chad raha hai bg mein. await explosion in 3... 2... 🌋🌋🌋

omfgggggggggggg what the fuckkkkkkkkk PINKY WAS INVOLVED IN THE KIDNAPPING???? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. 😧😧😧

ok this is just... WAY TOO MUCH. fucking WAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH. like fuck, harneet how the fuck can you just ghusaooo all this into the plot right now? how the hell is pinky ever going to come back from all this to redeem herself? 😟😟😟

does pinky really expect him to APPRECIATE all this fuckery? 😐😐😐

ok... nakuul ki *~ACTING~* shuru ho rahi hai. 😬😬😬

LMAO OMG RAMAYAN METAPHOR FROM SHIVAAY, OF ALL PEOPLE. THE SHOCK HAS MADE HIS BRAIN RE-CIRCUIT ITSELF. 🤣🤣🤣

oh boy. ohhhhhhhhhh boy. 😣😣😣😣

omRu instantly running to bolster shivaay. and i have started to cry already. 😭😭😭😭

ok shit, the horrible acting is starting. yuck what is this BLUBBERING he’s doing? 😟😟😟

readying the bread and cheese to make sandwiches with ALL THE HAM. 🥓🥓🥓🥓 (no ham emoji, i have to make do with the bacon.)

HOLYYYYYYYYYYY SHITTTTTTTTTTTT THAPPADDDDDD I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT 😯😯😯

i am gauri/bhavya in the bg, like just akhdsdhaskdhkjaj @ whatever is going down 😧😧😧😧

for once, dadi’s drama is warranted and aimed at the right person for the right reasons 😗😗😗

shakti ji still pretty measured in his tone and words. he’s a far greater man than we all realized, you guys. 😔😔😔

ok, pinky’s hamming it up even more than nakuul. 😐😐😐

time for omRu to fucking eviscerate pinky. TEAR HER APART, BOYS! 😠😠😠

ok yiiiiiiiikes, pinky’s truly lost it.

woman, give up already. you’re just digging yourself in deeper and deeper. 😐😐😐

nakuul’s being more measured in his acting than i thought he would, but his voice modulation is a fucking mess. i hate when he does this high pitched shit in emotional scenes. he sounds like hrithik in koi mil gaya. 😒😒😒

“aap shivaay ki maa hai, uski utni khushi aapko kabhi nahi hui jitni khushi aap SHIVAAY SINGH OBEROI ki maa hai, usse hui.”

sigh. my poor son. my poor trash son. 😭😭😭

350 EPISODES IN AND SHIVAAY’S FINALLY ACCEPTING WHAT A SHITTY PERSONALITY HE HAS THANKS TO HIS MOM 😯😯😯

shivaay attributing whatever little goodness is in him is solely because of omRu... dying. FUCKING DYING. THIS IS WHY I WATCH THIS FUCKING SHOWWWWWWWWWW. 😭😭😭😭😭

shivaay talking about om and how he took on the najaayaz tag for him. ok i’m a mess. i’m a fucking mess no one look at me. *weeping bitch baby tears* 😪😪😪

ok but who the fuck was daimaa talking about then??? 🤔🤔🤔😒😒😒

lol ok someone tell shivaay, tej isn’t that magnanimous and that jhanvi fully had to blackmail his ass into complying. god bless jhanvi though. what a good mom she is to ALL the kids in this house. 💖💖💖

this episode is a mess re: what shivaay calls ppl. he’s been calling pinky MAA this whole ep, when he’s only ever called her “mom”. chalo, that let’s attribute to all the EMOTIONS~~~ attributed to the word “maa”. but him calling jhanvi “badi MUMMY”? come on, he calls her “badi maa” 🙄🙄🙄

“mujhe lagta tha ki main, shivaay singh oberoi, the great wall, main apne parivaar ko protect kar raha hoon. lekin mera parivaar mujhe protect kar raha tha, bina bataaye, bina kuch jataaye.”

aw man, i’m glad that for once, the whole fam (other than omRu) stepped up for this kid and did something for him. 😌😌😌

HE’S APOLOGIZING TO ANIKA. HALELUJAAAAAAAAAAAAH. 350 EPISODESSSSSSSSS, AND FUCKING FINALLYYYYYYYYY 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

crying at how her hands are all over him, trying to reassure him. my babiessssssssssss. 😭😭😭

goddamnit pinky, STOP TALKING. 😣😣😣

“MERI ANIKA KE KHILAAF EK SHABD AUR NAHI SUNUNGA MAIN.” 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

ohhhhhhhhh shit. maa ko disowning. ~~DRAAAAAAAAAMA~~~ 😯😯😯

ok kuch zyaada ho raha hai. no need to go to every person standing here and tell them this. 😐😐😐

bhavya be like “shit i’m not even part of this damn family, i’m just here on fucking duty, what the fuck even am i supposed to do or say rn? 😕😕😕”

oh thank god. he’s walked out. it’s finally over. 😓😓😓

ANIKA RUN AFTER HIM WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LET HIM GO WHEREVER ALONE 😩😩😩😩😩

ok where even is he? why is it so blue? 🤔🤔🤔

hein, tumhe toh samajh aa gaya, lekin mujhe nahi aaya, behen. kuch toh idea dede. 😕😕😕

is silence their version of “i love you”? will they never say it out loud to each other? 😑😑😑

OMFG THE HORRIBLE VFX. IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THE GAZEBO IS FUCKING FLOATING IN SPACE LIKE THE TARDIS 🤢🤢🤢🤢

this horrible fucking lighting man. god this show and it’s ajeeb ramleela waali lighting. 😒😒😒

also, it’s so obvious this is set up in that “storeroom”/hall/whatever. 🙄🙄🙄

yesssss finally, she’s admitting what she did wrong too! FUCKING YES!🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

“tum mere saath ho toh hum sab kuch milkar handle kar sakta hai. yeh bhi kar leta main.” 😭😭😭

the horrible lighting is fucking pissssssssing me off. it’s such a good scene otherwise. 😥😥😥

lol mini-fight about if she’s crying or not. 😆😆😆

oh boy she wanted to suggest he forgive pinky. i can see it in her face. thank god she didn’t say it. too soon. too too soon. 😬😬😬

“mat jao door.”

aaaaaaaaaand i’m crying. 😭😭😭😭😭

will you fucking finally kiss already????? LIKE LITERALLY WHAT ELSE IS LEFT, FOR YOU TWO TO GET TO KISS EACH OTHER?!??!! 😫😫😫

OMG THESE DWEEBS ARE STARING AT THE MOON LIKE A BUNCHA NERDS INSTEAD. FUCKING HELL. I HATE THEM. 😒😒😒

nowwwwwwww we talking. 😊😊😊

ugh pheeka pg-13 hug. whatever. fucking kiss, you assholes. 😑😑😑

ok this is the best i’m about to get. *sigh* 😔😔😔

oh lorddddddddd. ragini is here to fuck shit up. GOD CAN THESE KIDS HAVE FIVE FUCKING MINUTES TO THEMSELVES?!?! 😒😒😒

shivaay: oh shitttttttttt, i knew i was forgetting something in the middle of all this. it was to get this chick’s ass ARRESTED. 😐😐😐

ragini’s confidence, i can haz? 😗😗😗

lmao shivaay, do you know anika at all? like hell she’s gonna go wait in the car. 😂😂😂

UM OK WHERE THE F DID ALL THESE PRESS PPL APPARATE FROM

i swear the press in this show is like... all the “news” in this show is based on hearsay. 😒😒😒

LMAO THE VIDEO FROM SUNDARI BUA HOW EVEN IS THIS RELEVANT OR NEWS OR... WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT ANY OF THIS 😑😑😑

oh boy, you press people picked the wrongggggg day to fuck with him on this naam khoon khaandaan topic. 😗😗😗

“sirf anika. and there’s no one like her.”

oh my heart, her smile at that. 😍😍😍

OUFF LECTURE DENA BANDH KAR.

also how can anyyyyyyyyyyy of this be printed/reported in the fucking news? like... ok forget it. i’m done with complaining about this. 🙄🙄🙄

shot after shot at ragini. and her NKK too. lmao, savage singh oberoi.😆😆😆

CALLED IT. CALLED IT THAT THOSE PAPERS WERE NEVERRRRR FILEDDDDDDDD. 10 POINTS TO RAVENCLAW. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

lol raginiiiii, this was the most poooorly planned shit ever. like, the fact that you thought this would even get any results is fucking hilarious. 😆😆😆

ok shivaay, no need to go into the details of your dysfunctional af marriage. also, the word you’re looking to use is WEDDING. 😕😕😕

GHUTNO KE BAL!!!!!!!!!!! GHUTNO KE BAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😯😯😯

ok that proposal was fucking perfect. simple. sweet. to the point. his voice modulation and everything, it was perfect.

aaaaaaaaaaand i’m crying. i’m fucking crying like an idiot. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“tumhare liye main ghutno pe aa gaya aaj.”

TOO FUCKING CUTE! 😚😚😚😚

LMAO THE PRESS CLAPPING FOR THEM HAPPILY, LITERALLY SECONDS AFTER INTERROGATING HIM IN THE MOST RUDE AND INVASIVE MANNER 🙄🙄🙄

ragini is me, scrolling facebook and seeing everyone in my age group getting engaged and married:

‘ugh. straight ppl.’

god shivaay, i haven’t recovered from the last two (three, counting the fake one with tia) weddings you’ve had. just... ouff. give us some fucking TIME to recuperate. 😣😣😣

REALLY? THIS WAS THE BIG AMAZING PLAN RAGINI HAD THAT VIKRAM WAS LIKE “SOCH LO, THERE’S NOOOOOOOOOO TURNING BACK”?? like, i thought she was fucking going to have her murdered or some shit. what lameass bs. 😒😒😒

OMG OMG OMG YOU GUYS OUR #VIKINI SHIP IS SAILINGGGGGG 😯😯😯😍😍😍😍

VIKRAM WHAT EVEN IS YOUR FUCKING DEAL BRO WHY WERE YOU FORCEFULLY MARRYING ANIKA IF YOU’RE SUCH A BELIEVER IN SHIVIKA’S TRUE LOVE???? 🤔🤔🤔

JESUS YOU KNOW WHAT IDEC, JUST PLEASE TAKE RAGINI AND GO HAVE BABIES WITH QUESTIONABLE MENTAL STABILITY. I’M JUST GLAD ONE OF MY SIDE-SHIPS IN THIS SHOW HAS THE POSSIBILITY TO BE CANON. 🙃🙃🙃

ok iterally don’t care about this tejViLana plot, i’m just watching coz reyhna looks so damn pretty. here, have some caps of her adorable face.

ugh, so gorgeous. this south indian style has taken her from a 10 to a 19. i love her face so much.

lol omRu watching the proposal on tv like it’s an action thriller. 😁😁😁

their happinesssssssssssssss. i can’t evennnnnnnn. my heart is so full of love for these boyssssssss. *crying happy tears* 😭😭😭😭😭

OH MY GOD OM IS BACK TO HIS SHAYARI. NOTHING INSPIRES HIM LIKE #SHIVIKA LOVE. 😊😊😊

“aankhon mein utari thi jo, ab dilon tak aa gayi. ishqbaazi chalte chalte, manzilon tak aa gayi.”

ok but where is gauri? why she no here? i really wanted her to be here and all ecstatic at her bade bhaiyya and bhaujai’s progress. 😞😞😞

OM IS FINALLY PROUD OF HIS TRASH SON, AS ARE WE ALL. IT ONLY TOOK A YEAR AND SOME MONTHS. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

eeeeeeee bulbulllll is hereeee! and she’s here with CAKE! 😍😍😍

DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE GAURI UTAAROFYING NAZAR OF THEM FROM THE SIDE. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. 💖💖💖💖

these two be eating cake with the sexiest fucking bedroom eyes at each other. take the rest of it up to your room and eat it off each other. 😏😏😏

ok omg WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT THIS TEJVILANA PLOT?? 😑😑😑

OMG THARKI BILLU BACK IN THE HOUSE. FUCKING YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😝😝😝😝😝

OMFG dadi playing cockblock, bloody hell what is your problem dadi? LET THEM FUCKING BEEEEEE. 😩😩😩😩😩

#ishqbaaz #Ishqbaaaz #ib episode liveblogs #episode liveblogs #280817 ib lb

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didiletyouknooow · 8 years ago

Text

41. Feasting On The Flowers

Hey,

finally back with a new #JoshEileen chapter! I know it took a while to write and I hope I can upload the next chapter sooner.

Thank you for following and liking my story! It makes so happy all the time to see or read that you like my story :) Have fun reading it!

September

Turning 30 is such a big deal. A big step in anyone’s life I guess. In the last years I barely gave it a thought but during the last weeks my mind went crazy every time I thought about turning 30. I always wondered why people make a fuss about it. But now, only a few days of being 29 ahead of me, I understood. Turning 30 on Saturday scared me in a weird and crazy way. I knew so many people who already hit the 30, including my brother Marc, Lara, Molly and even Josh hit the 30 years ago. But it couldn’t prevent me from going crazy.

There were so many questions on my mind: What should I have archived by 30? Am I a grown up now? Is my life what I thought it would be by hitting the big 30? So many questions and even more answers to tell.

I was sitting in my apartment on my bed, my jammy pants on and woolen socks covering my feet. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon and I was drinking a very heavy coffee. Although I don’t like coffee. But sometimes I need it, thou. Josh was busy making music with the Peppers. Their new recording sessions with his friend Danger Mouse as their new producer just started. He was very excited to come back and play with the guys and I was very curious how their new songs would sound like.

So we both agreed to not see each other today. When he would leave the studio in Hollywood I would almost be fallen asleep because I had to get up early tomorrow for work. This would be our life for the next few months until the recording session would be over. But I was totally okay with it. At least he was in LA and not anywhere else in the world playing concerts.

So while I was a total lazy girl today – or should I finally call myself a woman when I turn 30 in 6 days? – I was scrolling through the internet. Out of a sudden I found an article that tells the “30 things you should have and know by 30”. It was a list that was already published in 1997 in “Glamour”. Today we would say it went viral after it was published because many women send it to their girlfriends. It even reached Hilary Clinton back then. While reading the list I was thinking to what extent I “have” and “know” the things on the list.

Okay let’s start with the “By 30, you should have”-list.

The first item left me thinking for more than five minutes.

“1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.”

Was there a boyfriend I could imagine going back to? An ex boyfriend? No, I didn’t think so. All of my ex boyfriends were ex boyfriend for cause. I didn’t want to date anyone of them anymore. Not even Steve who broke my heart and left me alone with the pieces. The only one I went back to this year was Josh….so maybe he was the one I could imagine coming back to every time? Who knows….

“3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.”

I own this black dress which is a classic. So if the man of my dreams – whom I thought I hopefully met yet – would call me to take me on a date in an hour I would definitely dress up with this beautiful piece of fashion.

“6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.”

I guess I already told Josh about my summer vacation abroad in Croatia. And I told a lot of friends about it. So yes, I have one of these juicy stories to tell.

“10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.”

I think there isn’t any period of time in your life when you loose and find new friends on a regular basis than in your twenties. I don’t really often meet my friends from high school. Not even the college friends. Maybe that’s because Steve and I used to have the same group of friends while on college. Now I moved on with life and found new ones. Lara is one of my best friends and Molly is one of the most important friends in my life as well. Crazy how your life can change this way.

“11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.”

Haha. Yes! I have all of them!

“12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.”

Does expensive nail liquor by Chanel count?

“15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.”

Okay, right now I was happy with my job. I loved teaching at school and I got along very well with my students. My love life was very chaotic the last year but now it reached a plateau. I was happy with Josh and my job. What else did I want?

I continued with the “By 30, you should know”- list.

“1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.”

That’s not easy. If you really fall in love, you always lose a bit of yourself in the beginning – at least until the honeymoon phase is over. Sometimes you have to face reality prior. Well okay maybe not “sometimes” but for me it was “most of the times”. Steve and Josh were some exceptions I guess.

“3. How to quit a job, break up with a partner and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.”

Again, very though. But I guess I should be able to do it.

“5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.”

I love kissing. But I think Josh brought my joy of kissing to the highest. He loves it, I love it. And we both know what we want to do next. Everything’s fine.

But when I was thinking back about this night in New Orleans with this random guy at the bar I definitely did NOT communicate what should happen next. So I could definitely practice more…

“7. How to live alone, even if you don't like to.”

Sometimes I hate living alone but most of the time I just love it. Even when in a relationship it’s great to have a place where you can backtrack to have some time on your own. As much as I love Josh, I don’t want to spend every minute of my life with him. Maybe it sounds selfish but it’s my personality.

“8. How to take control of your own birthday.”

Good point! I think I can definitely take control of my own birthday. I asked Josh to have dinner with me on my birthday next Saturday. Only the two of us. No fancy party, no embarrassing questions by family members. Only a wonderful date night with my boyfriend.

“9. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.”

Something I was always dealing with in my early 20s. I didn’t hate my body but I wasn’t satisfied with every part of it. I think it’s okay but over the years I realized that it isn’t the most important thing in the world. We have to love our bodies and don’t listen to people or fashion magazines who tell us to loose weight. I mean, why should we loose weight if we’re happy? Just to fit in the newest fashion trends? Fashion designer should wake up, most of the people aren’t models and don’t want to be one!

Now I love my body and don’t want to change a thing. I just want to keep it healthy with sports and sometimes reward it with sweets or pizza. Oh how I love pizza. Pizza is the best!

“10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.”

My childhood was wonderful and I would never ever want to miss it in my life.

“13. Who you can trust, who you can't and why you shouldn't take it personally.”

Maybe that’s the most important lesson to learn in life.

So these were the things you should know and have until you hit the big 30? When I think about it I think I did know and have some of the things on the list. But there were also some items on the list I didn’t have or know. It doesn’t matter. It’s just a list. We shouldn’t be scared or influenced by lists like that or things like “The 23 best beauty tricks you should know”. I mean, why should I know them? Will my life be better when I know them? But was my life worse before I knew them? No. Whatever, I wasn’t ever into beauty things. I was always happy enough when I could do good eyeliner without looking messy afterwards. Same with articles like “With these 5 skills you will make every man fall in love with you”. Why? Why should it work on every man I meet? It would be a boring world if every man in the world would fall in love with me just because I do these five things Cosmopolitan or Glamour told me to do. What does it say about the men then?

After checking out the list and finding peace with growing a year older I started watching a few episodes of “Girls”. Hannah, the main character of the series that stares four girls in their 20s in New York City, had to deal with the fact that her ex was now dating one of her girlfriends. Well, this is tough, I thought. Luckily I never had experienced something like that before and I hoped I will never do it. Just imagining Josh would date Lara or Molly….ehhhhwww….No!

The following week was very tough. I had some very stressful days and I was so looking forward to Friday afternoon when I FINALLY could call it weekend. I decided to do NOTHING but laying in bed, eating unhealthy food and watching some films on Netflix. Josh would come over in the evening and we could hang out together. Just some chilly couple stuff. That’s what I imagined my last day as a 29 year old women.

But it turned out totally differently.

After I got home from work I got a phone call from Josh. “Hey what’s up? Are you having a break from recording?” I asked him while taking off my jacket. “Kind of. For today we’re finished. We’ll keep working on Monday again. We all want to have a weekend off, you know. Anthony and Flea want to go back to Malibu for surfing. Chad is already on the plane to New York with his family. And I’m driving home now” “What? Are you talking on the phone while driving?” “No….” Josh laughed. “Eileen, don’t you know my car? I have a hands-free device” “Oh right….whatever. I don’t have such a fancy car like you with all these technique stuff in it. Can it even drive?” “Yes it can. Today it was so fast I’m almost at home after thirty minutes” “Wow….great.” I laughed but pretended to be unimpressed by his car. Truth was, I loved Josh’s car. I was never really into cars but his car was the perfect mixture of normal car and expensive SUV. And it was black. And I love black cars. “Whatever….listen, what about having a date tonight?” he brought me back to reality. “I think we already talked about it. We have something like a date tonight….okay not a real date but I thought you would come over and we hang out” I said a bit surprised about his question. “Yes….but….I thought we could perhaps….uhm….we could go to the cinema” “Cinema?” “Yes….watching a movie!” “Hm….we have Netflix. Why should we go to a cinema when we could watching a movie while lying in bed half naked?” “Because there are other films we could watch” “And we have to pay for it” “Well….or what about theater?” “Where?” “I don’t know. Let me have a look.” Josh said. I knew he almost freaked out because I didn’t say yes yet. I always noticed directly when he wanted to convince me doing something he really wanted to to and got angry when I didn’t want to. Surely he never showed his reaction to me but I knew him already. “We could have dinner right before going to the theater. I will do a reservation at our favorite Italian restaurant” “Wait, what?” “I have to hang up now. I will pick you up at 6pm okay. Love you, bye!”

And then he hung up! I couldn’t answer anything else. Josh decided what to do today and he didn’t really ask me! Who did he think he is?

Now I was a bit mad at him. I thought we would have dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant tomorrow. On my birthday! But he decided to go there today. Why did he even ask me if his decision was already save?

Although I was still upset because of Josh’s decisions I dressed up in my black dress – thank you list for reminding me I have it – and put on some black high heels. Let’s go for the whole dog then, right? I wanted to look sexy as hell. I didn’t know why but I was in the mood for dressing up very sexy.

So I was ready waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up at 6pm. He was late as always and knocked at my door 6:12pm. “You’re late” I let him know after opening the door. “Sorry, the traffic” he said before giving me a kiss. Then he looked at me and his jaw almost dropped. “Eileen, wow….you look….so stunning! So sexy! Wow, I can’t find words to describe it” Josh said. “Thanks. I thought if we have a date night on my last day at being 29 I could get dolled up!” “You definitely did!” Josh said while I was taking his hand walking to his car. “So where do we go now?” I asked him. “Well, you’ll see” he grinned and started the car.

Against my knowledge Josh didn’t drive to Echo Park or Downtown or even the Sunset Strip. Instead we drove back to El Sereno. I was confused. Didn’t he say we’re going to the theater? Which would be in Downtown or Hollywood. And didn’t he say we’re going to have dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant? Which would be in Echo Park. “I know it’s not my business but where are we going? Are you going back to your house?” I asked him. “Yes uhm. I forgot something very important there” “So….what’s so important?” “My phone!” “Josh….you’re phone is right here in your car. We’re currently listening to music from your phone” “I know….I mean my new phone. I….I have a new phone” “A new phone? You’re phone isn’t that old. Why do you need a new one?” “It’s my business phone. I need it in case Brian will call me. Maybe we have to meet in the studio this weekend for a few hours to work on the guitar sound” “A business phone? Really? You’re not really the type of guy for a business phone, don’t you think?” “Whatever….I need it with me so I have to go back. I’m sorry” Josh said in an angry voice. “Okay, then let’s do it. Aren’t we too late for dinner then?” “No, we aren’t. I did a reservation for 7pm” “Yes and you were already ten minutes too late” “Eileen, please. Believe me, we’re not too late, okay?” he smiled at me. “Okay….hey, I don’t wanna get upset again today. Work was stressful enough”

We finally arrived at Josh’s house. It was dark as always. He drove into the driveway and parked the car. “I stay in the car” I let him know. “Uhm….would you please come with me?” “Why? You only want to look for your damn phone. A new phone I don’t even know yet. So why should I come with you?” I said rolling my eyes. “Eileen, please. Just do me the favour” “Why Josh? I don’t get it. Go and take your phone.” I said laughing. “Then we’ll drive to Echo Park. I say we’re too late but if you don’t care then I don’t care either” I let him know. I guess he noticed that I was a bit upset and pissy at him. He sighed and looked at the house. “Okay Eileen….one last time….please ‘come with me. I really need you in my house” “Why? Why do you need me?” I started laughing. This was just ridiculous! “I need you….I missed you during the week” “We saw each other three days ago” I reminded him. “Yes but I missed you and I want to feel you” “Josh….you wanna have a quickie?” I laughed. “Well….if you call it that way” he said while looking into the sky avoiding looking into my eyes. Then I opened the door and he took my hand to walk me to his door. While he was opening it I was kissing his neck and whispered in his ear “Well….maybe we should cancel our date night plans and only have a date night in your bed”. I was already fumbling at his belt when he opened the door. “Eileen, please stop” he grinned. “What? Why? We’re on our own” I said laughing. “Please, stop for a moment, okay? We can continue in a few minutes” Josh said and then kissed me on the bow. “Why? I don’t get it. What’s wrong with you today?” “You’re so attractive today. I don’t want to be finished before arriving in my bedroom” he explained shyly with a smile on his face. I rolled my eyes and followed him in the dark hall of his house. “Why is it so dark in here?” Josh didn’t answer my question, instead he took my hand again and we walked through the house right into his living room.

After opening the door people were screaming “SURPRISE”. The lights turned on and I was looking in all these faces of Josh’s and my friends. Even my parents were here. “Welcome to your surprise birthday party!” Josh said to me and gave me a kiss. “What the fuck!” I screamed laughing. “You’re such a bad liar!” “I know….and I’m very sorry” he grinned. I was looking into the room. Every one was there: my parents, Marc (Maggie couldn’t come because of the kids. Yes I didn’t mention it yet but Maggie gave birth to a girl called Summer in March), Eric and Molly were here, Jonathan and Clint with their girlfriends, some college friends of mine and…..there she was. I already saw a brunette head with bangs when the lights were turned on but now it was approved. There was Lara standing in the middle of Josh’s living room. I almost started crying and fling my arms around her neck to squeeze her. “You’re here” I said with tears in my eyes. “Yes I am. Josh invited me” “What? You did all of this here?” I asked him, my arms still around Lara’s neck. “Yes….it was my idea and I thought your best friend mustn’t miss this party so I texted her and invited her” “He even paid my flight tickets” Lara told me. “Oh, you’re such a good boyfriend. The best one can imagine” I said after slapping his arm but then starting to kiss him.

I was still surprised that Josh organized a secret birthday party for me. And he invited EVERYONE who was important to me. Sure, he also invited some of his friends, but I knew all of them. His living room was prepared with a buffet of delicious food – everyone brought something to the party – and there was even a little bar where we could get us some drinks. Most of the time Josh was the DJ and he played only music I like. I was chatting with my family and friends, everyone kept it a secret that this party will happen today. I would have never thought that Josh had planned to do something like that for me. “I still can’t believe that this is happening” I said to Lara when we were sitting in Josh’s kitchen where it wasn’t that crowded. “It’s such a cute idea. He’s a real gentleman.” “And he texted you?” I wanted to know. “Yes he texted me on Facebook because he didn’t have my number yet.” “Oh he hates texting on Facebook!” I laughed. “Yes, that was one of the things he mentioned first” she told me. “So we changed numbers and he called me to tell me about his plans for this party” “And then you agreed? Since when did you know about it?” “Oh….for weeks? Two weeks? Three?” “Wow….I never thought he would do something like that for me. And he knows I don’t really like surprises” “But this one is a beautiful surprise!” “So he bought you plane tickets?” “Yes….he did” Lara said. “I told him that I will look up the flights and try to get some affordable tickets. But then he said ‘No, you don’t have to. I will book them for you. When do you wanna get into the plane?’. And so he booked me the flights. I landed yesterday and he even picked me up from the airport” “What? He picked you up? Wow…..and I thought he was in the studio the whole day” I laughed. “I landed at 9pm. My flight was a bit too late. He had to wait an hour at the airport.” “Ohhh now I know why he told me he was busy in the evening” “Then he drove me to the airbnb I stay in. It’s one of his friend’s apartments” “What? Wow, it sounds like he did really organize everything” “He did. He’s such a sweetheart. You have to keep him!” Lara let me know smiling. Yes, she was right.

The party was great and I was happy that Josh organized it. Never ever did anyone organize such a party for me. Not in my teenage years, not in the last years. So when it was finally midnight everyone was greeting, squeezing and singing for me. “I guess now it’s official. I’m 30. And I want to thank you all for coming. A few hours ago I thought I would have a lazy evening on the couch with Josh. Then Josh changed the plans and I thought we would have a date night – the last one at the age of 29. I thought maybe that was his intention. But I was wrong. Instead of going to the theatre he brought me here to his house where you all were waiting. Thank you so much! And thank you Josh, for this party, for this surprise and for just….being you” I almost started crying when I said this toast but I could get my shit together. He smiled and squeezed me, followed by a kiss. Then he went to the piano in his living room and sat down. I was wondering what would happen next. “Eileen, I want to play a song for you and of course for anyone else tonight.” Josh introduced what he was about to do. So he started playing.

It only took me some seconds until I recognized which song it was he was playing. “Your Song” by Elton John.

“It's a little bit funny this feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide I don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue Anyway the thing is what I really mean Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen And you can tell everybody this is your song It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I put down in words How wonderful life is while you're in the world”

Everyone was listening mesmerized at Josh playing the piano. Although there were so many people in the room I almost felt like being the only one here. He played this song for me and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to think or feel. My heart almost skipped a beat. I was nervous and shocked and so in love at the same time. Never ever did someone do this for me. Never ever played someone a song for me. Such a beautiful song. He knew I loved Elton John but this song…..it just fitted so good to this whole day. So it wasn’t surprising that in the middle of the song I started crying.

I felt Lara’s arm around my shoulder. She squeezed me and we both listened to Josh’s playing. I almost felt a bit embarrassed because I reacted so emotional to his gift. But I couldn’t beat about the bush with my emotions. Even my mom had tears in her eyes.

During the last chords Josh was looking into my eyes and I think this was the moment I lost completely control. I started crying so much. I tried to wipe my tears away but I couldn’t. Lara smiled at me and I smiled as well – with tears in my eyes. When the song was over and Josh wanted to get up from the chair I took the wind out of his sails as I ran to him flinging my arms around his neck. “Thank you so much. This was the best birthday gift I’ve ever received.” I whispered in his ears, still a bit in tears. “I love you” “I love you too” he let me know. While I was hiding my tear-stained face at his chest he took my hand and raised it in the air. “This was for the best girlfriend in the world. Happy birthday sweetheart!” he said grinning at me. I looked up at him and he gave me a kiss.

Wow. Now this was the perfect birthday ever. My mom must’ve made internal frisks. Finally, her daughter was happy. Finally she found the right guy who did these sweet things for her. I bet she already heard the wedding bells.

After my little emotional breakdown – but this time it was a very positive emotional breakdown – the party wasn’t over. We were all partying, drinking, chatting and sometimes someone played a few chords on the piano. Even I played the few things I once learned on the piano. We partied until the next morning and when the last guests left at 5am Josh I went back into his living room. I started tidying up the room but he stopped me.

“Eileen, you don’t have to do this now” he laughed and took my hand. “It’s your birthday” “Yes, and you organized the whole party. So I feel a bit guilty when I don’t tidy up your house” “You don’t have to. Believe me” he smiled at me and gave me a kiss. “Why are you so cute?” “Well….I don’t know. It’s just my personality I guess” he chuckled. He took my hand again and walked me on his balcony. “Look, the sun is about to shine” Josh was right. The night was over, the sun rose. We were sitting down at his bench on the balcony, covered in blankets, me sitting on Josh’s lap. “Thank you for this wonderful party.” I repeated myself a few times. I couldn’t thank him more. “You don’t have to thank me. It makes me happy to see you happy” he smiled. “Wow….how do I deserve someone like you?” “Well…I ask myself the same question every night before I sleep. Why do I deserve someone like you?” “Wow….when did we become so cheesy” I laughed. “I don’t know….I think when we fell in love” Josh said in a serious voice. “Yes….sometimes love can change you in a way you never thought of before” “Definitely. I’ve never done something like this for anyone before” he let me know. “Never ever?” I raised an eyebrow. “Never ever, ever, ever, ever before” he laughed. “What was the most romantic thing you’ve done before for someone else?” I wanted to know. “Hm….let me think about it” Josh said. While he was thinking I was looking at the sunrise. Hello LA, I just love you! “I think I didn’t really do romantic things” “Oh ‘come one. You’re such a sentimental, likeable guy. You did something like that before!” I laughed. “How do you know?” “Because I know you already! Every day a bit more” I grinned kissing him. “Hm….okay well” he started telling me. “I think the most romantic thing I did before this one was inviting Mia to a drive-in cinema. It was only the two of us, no one else. And it was her favourite film” “Wow….that’s romantic” I agreed. “Yes, but….” “What?” “Well….a few weeks later she cheated on me so….maybe it wasn’t that romantic for her” “I think it was….whatever. It’s in the past” “Right” he smiled at me. “And did you….” I started but didn’t know if I should ask him this question because to me it sounded so stupid. But it made me really curious. “Yes?” “Did you do something like that to Chloe as well?”

Josh looked at me a bit surprised. But then he answered. “Kind of” he said. “I send her flowers from time to time when I was away. That’s it” “Flowers?” “Yes….roses” “You never send me flowers” I laughed. “Really? Never?” ”No” “Well then…..” he said pausing. “But I thought you don’t like flowers that much?” “You’re right. I don’t really like them. And you don’t have to buy me flowers” “I sang you a song!” he grinned. “I’ve never done this before” “Really? You never sang a song for a girl before? You’re a musician for 20 years now and you want to tell me you never played a song only for a woman you were in love with?” “Hm….not really. I mean, I played songs about women I was in love with. But I never did something like today” “Wow….I feel very honored now that Josh Adam Klinghoffer, the guitarist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and singer of Dot Hacker sang a song only for me today!” I grinned and kissed him again. I didn’t want to stop kissing, stop squeezing him, stop being close to him. I think I never wanted this day to end. But the good thing was: the day was just about to begin. After some cuddling on Josh’s balcony we finally went to bed and slept until noon. Then he made me pancakes for my birthday breakfast and afterwards we did a walk through Ascot Hills Park and finally had the birthday dinner at our favourite Italian restaurant in Echo Park.

I must say, it was the best birthday I’ve ever had and I barely thought about the fact that I just turned 30.

It felt great!

November

“You don’t have to be nervous” Josh told me while we were sitting in his car. He just parked it and opened the door. “It’s just Flea’s music school” “Yes, but it’s a public event” I said leaving the car. “But by invitation only” he let me know. “No press I guess” “Hm….okay.” “Eileen, look at me. I don’t like being in the public spot but I like being at Flea’s music school. I was invited several times for a dinner or a special event and I always felt comfortable although there were many people invited. Most of them are musicians so it’s cool” “I know” I said while we were walking to the entrance hand in hand. “It’s just….now I’m officially your girlfriend, right? Everyone can see it” “Well….you’re officially my girlfriend since we started dating again in April….so it wasn’t a secret. The guys from the band know you, some other people from the crew know you, see, not a secret” he grinned. “Yes but….whatever” I stopped talking when we arrived at the entrance. A security guy welcomed us and let us in.

Flea invited us to this event in his Silverlake Conservatory, the music school he founded many years ago. After having Bruno Mars for a special concert last year, now it was the Chili Peppers turn again to play some songs. But before that some of the school’s students showed their talent.

Josh and I were welcomed by Flea and his girlfriend and it didn’t take long time until someone approached to Josh. I was standing by his side the whole time, trying to be part of the conversations he made. Although he was still a shy guy he handled all these conversations with people he barely knew very well. I was proud of him because I knew how hard it was for him being at social events like this. After having dinner Flea held a short speech and finally the band entered the stage. They only played an acoustic set with some rare songs and some covers. Everyone was applauding and although most of the people who were invited were friends of Flea and the band many people starting dancing and singing along like on a real concert. I took some pics of the short concert and finally their set was over and Josh came back to our table.

“Great performance” I complimented him and gave him a kiss. He confirmed it with a shy smile. The evening lasted long because later that night a DJ started playing music and people were even dancing. Besides people were donating their money for the Conservatory. Flea was grinning the whole night and so did we. It was a wonderful evening and I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable at any time. I have to admit that I was a bit afraid of attending such a public event with Josh for the first time. Sure I was at some of his concerts but only backstage, there weren’t any photographers or even the press. But today it was a group of the society the Chilis live in that came together. Many of his friends were here but also many important people of the music business. Surely there was press. Although Josh told me that there won’t be press, but at least some local media were here to write about the event. When we were about to leave the event in the middle of the night a photographer caught us walking hand in hand through the exit and asked us if he can take a picture of us. “You look so cute together! I’d really like to picture you two!” he told us. I think we both couldn’t say no so we stopped. Josh was laying his hand around my hips and we both smiled in the camera. “Thank you so much Mister Klinghoffer! Have a nice evening!” the photographer wished us and we left.

“Wow, so now we’re kind of a high society thing” I joked when we were driving home to Josh’s house. “Haha, maybe. Who knows. Tomorrow it will be in the newspapers and whole LA knows about us” “I bet it would break some hearts of your fans” “What?” he laughed. “I don’t think so” “Oh believe me….I know how hard it can be being a fan of a musician who’s good looking” “But I’m not good looking” “Josh….stop making yourself so small. You’re very good looking. When you smile, the sun’s about to shine for me” “Oh really?” he grinned. “Yes!” I said. “Well the sun is shining almost every day in California” “See….only because you’re smiling” I chuckled. “I mean, look at you! I love your little dimples when you smile. It’s just really cute” “Okay….thank you” he said shyly looking at the streets. “But I don’t see myself as a sexy musician who is adored by his fans” “Why?” “Because I’m not sexy?” “You’re very sexy!” ”I’m very skinny….” ”What do you mean?” “I mean….I never saw me as a very masculine guy” “Because you’re so skinny?” “Yes” “But Josh….you’re a man. You’re not a boy anymore – I mean it would be weird because you’re already 36 – you’re a grown man and you look like one” “Because I have a beard” “No….it’s just….ahhhh…stop hating yourself and start believing what other people tell you about your personality and your body okay?” “Hm….I try” “Whatever….thank you for bringing me as your date here tonight” “You don’t have to thank me. I have to thank you that I’m such a lucky guy who has such a hot date like you by my side tonight…..tonight and on every other night” he grinned. “No seriously….I know how hard it is for you to show such a private thing to the public so….I understood when you went to these other events you were invited on your own without me.”

Josh was invited to a party by Warner Music together with his bandmates. While everyone brought his girlfriends or wives with him, Josh wanted to go alone. I understood because there were the high society of LA and with them there were many people from the press. This was back then in October. A few weeks later he attended a party organized by Bernie Sanders – one of the Democrats who was competing for the presidential elect next year. The Chili Peppers supported him so they were invited to a dinner party. While Anthony brought a girl to this event and Flea brought his girlfriend – only Chad’s wife was in NYC at that day – Josh wanted to go alone again. I understood him. After this relationship with Chloe and her promoting of their relationship on social media and even in interviews he wanted to keep his private life much more private than before.

But I also have to admit that I was a bit sad when he told me to go alone. I knew that it wasn’t easy for him being at such events so I thought with me by his side it would be easier to have a good time there but he didn’t want me to be there. Whatever. I didn’t want to start a fight. All the more I was happy that he finally decided to have me by his side at the Silverlake Conservatory event.

“Sure….it was a great evening and I’m happy you were with me tonight. I know it wasn’t easy to comprehend why I wanted to attend the other events prior last months alone.” he said. “I understand….I mean, I know you already. I think I told you before” I laughed. “Yes….we already know each other very well” he smiled. “So today was our first serious thing” “Serious thing?” Josh wondered. “Now we’re on the press or even on the internet. You know, once on the internet, it’s hard to delete it” I joked. “What do you want to tell me?” he didn’t quite understand. “That from now on, you won’t get rid of me” I let him know. “Well….I think I don’t want to” he chuckled.

February

The holiday season was over very fast. Josh and I were busy celebrating with my family first and then with his family afterwards. In the meantime we met almost every friend we didn’t meet in the last months. It was a great time. I always like the days between Christmas and New Years Eve and thinking back at last years holidays let me come to the conclusion that this years holiday season was way better. For New Years Eve we fled from California to New York City. Josh booked a wonderful hotel in Manhattan and first we had a romantic New Years Eve dinner. Afterwards we went to the theater at the Broadway and finally were celebrating the turn of the year at the Brooklyn Bridge. To be honest, it was very cold, but Josh taught me to wear as much layers as you can so I almost didn’t freeze.

But every day life overtook us after the holiday season again. While Josh was still busy recording the last pieces for the new Chili Peppers record I was busy teaching at my school. In the last two weeks we didn’t see each other because Josh was in NYC again to record and produce some things for the next Dot Hacker album. Yes, he was a busy man. Together with Eric he flew over to the east coast to work on their third album.

So I was very excited to finally see him again. We were invited to Bob Forrest’s birthday party this Saturday. Actually Josh wanted to come back at 5pm which meant we would have 3 hours only for us until we had to leave for the party. But his flight was late so he came home at 7pm and we had to hurry up. No long welcome-back-kissing-scene not to mention of welcome-back-sex. But we would make good for it later that night I guessed.

“Wow, what a party night” I said laughing while walking through the dark hall of Josh’s house. “It was” I heard him walking behind me grinning. We were both a bit tipsy. Of course at Bob’s party wasn’t any alcohol but when the party was over we weren’t tired. Josh decided to drive to his favorite bar in El Sereno. It was still open although it was in the middle of the night. He told me that it was something like an insider bar. There aren’t specific opening hours. Instead they look how many people are in the bar and then they decide when they will close it. Maybe not that legal. Anyway. We both had a bunch full of drinks in a very short period of time. I didn’t know with what we started but I think it was gin tonic. Later on we drank tequila and well….here we were! Obviously Josh didn’t drive us home. We left his car at the bar and called a cab that brought us home safety.

“Wow, is it really that late?” Josh asked looking at his phone. “Yes it’s 4am already” “Wow….I’m feeling like being back in my early 20s when we did something like that almost every night on tour” he laughed. “Really? Every night?” “Almost every night” “Well….we should go to bed” I suggested. Josh looked at me and started grinning again. “Yes, we definitely should” he said whilst taking my hand and pulling me closer so he could kiss me. “I missed you” he whispered in my ear. “Wow you smell like a giant barrel of gin” I said after we kissed. “Well, you too” he told me with a kinky smile in his face. “But I don’t care” he whispered before he continued kissing my neck. Out of a sudden my shirt was laying on the kitchen floor and I wondered how this could happen so fast. But I liked it. I liked the tipsy Josh who got a bit more confident with alcohol in his blood. Before I could do anything else we both ran upstairs directly into his bedroom and fell into his bed. He was kissing me everywhere and while he was doing it I remembered that there was something I wanted to do before going to bed but I couldn’t remember what it was. I had the feeling that I forgot something but….what? Well, it wasn’t easy thinking about it while Josh was doing all these wonderful things to my body. I decided that it wasn’t that important or necessary if I don’t remember it now. Instead I drew my attention back to Josh and sat on top of him – not without almost falling out of the bed. “Jesus, Eileen!” he started laughing. “Please be careful. I don’t wanna call 911 because you fell out of my bed completely naked”. “Sorry, I try to be careful” “Don’t be hasty” Josh let me know, still a kinky smile on his face. “I like the drunken Josh” I grinned while kissing his lips again. “I’m not drunk” “Yeah, don’t give me no jazz” I giggled. “Hey” Josh said while turning over and being back on top. “I just wanna make love to my girlfriend. What’s so wrong with that?” “Yes, I can feel it already” I said pointing at his lower parts. We both laughed and came back to the romantic part of the night.

_______________

If you want to read the full list of the things you should do before turning 30 go ahead and read it HERE

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thefinalprose · 7 years ago

Text

Episode One: I Lost to a Chicken.

Well, here I am. Again. Long story short, I wrote recaps for several seasons and needed a breather. Good thing I took one because from what I’ve heard Arie’s season was about as exciting as the intro paragraph to this recap.

When the Bachelor suitor bios came out, I just couldn’t resist and decided to write about them. The response was enough of an ego stroke that I have decided to recap Becca’s season, just a little differently. This time, no one will edit for me; they may take a week to post (sorry this took so long, I was out of town) and I might write whilst enjoying a cocktail. Regardless, I promise the same judgmental snark.

The first episode of the season is always a fan favorite. We get to re-live the new lead’s sad story of heartbreak; we’ll likely see past contestants show up to offer advice on finding everlasting love on national television in less than 90 days and it’s our first official look at the new suitors as they arrive at the mansion. A few will do something over the top for attention; a few will be too nervous to form a sentence that makes sense and one will definitely get blitzed. And probably half naked.

As though I’ve watched this before, the episode starts with the (first) reminder that Arie dicked Becca over last season. He proposed, she said yes and during one of their secret romantic getaways before they could officially go public as a couple, he breaks up with her with cameras rolling so he could go be with the runner up from his season. Who he had already spoken to about the idea. I want to say I’m surprised ABC let this happen, but they stopped surprising me with bad ideas when they let Nick try (and fail) at love 107 times.

Becca arrives at the mansion to be greeted by Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel; the most recent Bachelorette’s who are there to inspire success as they are all still engaged to the winner of their seasons. JoJo says, “it’s about to be bigger and better” and I hope that’s a dig at fantasy suite Arie.

The Bachelorette’s sage the mansion and I wonder if anyone outside of LA knows what that means.

SUITOR PREVIEWS

Before all 25ish suitors step out of the limo, we are made privy to a few of the standouts from the season. A little teaser, if you will.

First up is Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss. As unsure as I am about a person that doesn’t swear, I’m more leery of an NFL player that needs The Bachelorette to find “love”.

Garrett, the guy who does Chris Farley impressions, is next and guess what? He does a Chris Farley impression that I bet you can’t guess I hate.

I do.

He lists off a bunch of made up winter activities he enjoys because, you know, Becca is from Minnesota and it’s always winter there.

We see Jordan, the guy who is definitely a self-proclaimed “Instagram model”, having a photo shoot. He shares that his “brand” is “the pensive gentleman” and I’m going to guess that’s also his Grindr handle. He claims being a male model is taxing because he has to go to the gym year round. I don’t see modeling in my future and I, too have to go to the gym year round. Check out my Instagram page; I talk about it every once in a while. He also says he can see him and Becca, in sweats, on a couch with a tub of chocolate and a chick flick which is definitely the rest of his Grindr bio.

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, is seen walking along Hollywood Boulevard with a huge smile on his face. If you’ve ever walked along Hollywood Boulevard, you know that no one should be smiling. I don’t trust him.

Joe, the grocery store owner, has been practicing his grocery store humor and I’d like to check out.

I’m not even sorry for that terrible joke.

Jean Blanc, the guy who loves cologne enough to call himself a Colognoisseur, tells us he’s going to blow Becca’s nose away and I hope it’s because he’s bringing an eight ball to the mansion.

I was certain that the joke about Colton, another pro football player, would be about his YouTube date ask to Aly Raisman out but oh, was I wrong. The joke is that he’s wearing a velour hooded vest over a shirt with leather sleeves. You know those men who make too much money too early on so they spend it on really dumb shit? That’s Colton. Who let him wear this? Who recorded this video for him letting him wear this? Why does he own this? What is happening?

LIMO EXITS + INTRO’S

It’s time for the men to arrive at the mansion and of the first five men, three of them have said, “Let’s do the damn thing” which became annoying even before the season aired.

The next five all make a joke about Arie, because every woman wants to talk about her shitty ex with a potential new love interest.

The five after that are the five that met her at After the Finale Rose when she was announced The Bachelorette.

We are fifteen dudes deep and I’m pretty sure only one of these guys is wearing socks with his loafers. Is this a thing men do? Is there a reason for it? Gross.

David, the guy that loves guacamole but hates avocados, comes out in a chicken costume and makes more chicken jokes than I knew even possible and yet none of them are cock jokes. Impressive or disappointing?

Disappointing.

The rest of the entrances were actually pretty lame and I suddenly remember that there is a drink limit on this show now.

Once everyone has arrived, Becca enters the house to greet the suitors for the first time and the drama among the men begins. The Bachelorette is way more fun than The Bachelor because dude drama is so much more entertaining. Remember Shawn and Nick? JJ and Clint? Chad? Oh, Chad.

Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss, takes Becca aside to make dolls or something weird like that. John, the guy who created Venmo, immediately shares that he is the creator of Venmo because in San Francisco that definitely gets him laid every single time.

It’s Christon’s, the guy with a made up job and name, turn and he takes her outside to a basketball hoop, has her hold the ball above her head and then pulls a Harlem Globetrotter dunk move. I’m pretty sure every dude in the house has a semi after watching. I kinda do too, tbh.

Becca and Blake, the ‘modern romantic’, sit in front of the fire and do that thing where they hold hands, but not just with one pair of hands with both pairs of hands and I’m super annoyed by it. He wins her over by saying, “I just know that if I could love the wrong person so much [his ex], imagine how much I can love the right person” and I wonder how many times he Googled “quotes about love” before choosing that one to use.

Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and now it’s time for the men to step up their game. And by stepping up their game I mean:

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, gives her an ancient Nigerian bracelet and tells her she’s now part of the family. Nick, aspiring lead singer of a boy band, has a vibrating back massager that I am completely certain he uses for other things. David, the guy who showed up with chicken jokes wearing a chicken costume, asks Becca to do the chicken dance with him because this fucking guy still hasn’t run out of chicken jokes. Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, takes Becca to the pool to teach her to fly fish and what do ya know (said in an exaggerated midwestern accent) it makes Becca feel at home.

Chris, whose life goal is to retire by 40, has a dilemma and needs the advice of three dudes he just met. Apparently he knows Chase’s ex girlfriend who told him that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Chris is perplexed -- should he confront Chase about it? Remember when I said dude drama is hilarious? Exhibit A.

They have a boring confrontation about it and Chase runs to Becca to tell her. This is the least dramatic drama I’ve ever watched. Becca doesn’t understand the context, Chase brings Chris into the conversation and this is so dumb.

That conversation brought light to Becca that there may be men here with ill intentions and she shares that someone rubbed her the wrong way earlier in the night. Like all of us, she’s there to be rubbed the right way, so she wants to address it.

She asks Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota, to step aside to chat. She tries to send him home because in their several times of meeting he never pursued her and now wants to on national TV. He doesn’t make it easy for her and I’m afraid Minnesota will ban him for life like they did Arie.

There is a guy with a Harry Potter tattoo and this is why I feel badly for people who are trying to date. You have to worry about finding the perfect person only to realize he has a fucking Harry Potter tattoo.

Becca finally picks up the first impression rose and gives it to Garrett, the guy who showed up in a minivan. She leans in to kiss him and he goes for the cheek. She grabs him by the neck and he finally gets it. Maybe he really is Chris Farley.

ROSE CEREMONY

The only thing I don’t understand about the rose ceremony is how Joe was sent home. I still hope he’s the next Bachelor.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“There are so many balls here” -- Becca, during the impromptu basketball game.

ELIMINATED

Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota,

Joe, the love of my life

Chase, a could-be serial killer

Kamil -- social media participant who I’m guessing won’t be participating in social media for a while after being sent home night one

Darius, who lives in the Valley

Grant, the electrician with electrician jokes

Christian, whose head was too small for his body

Okay, now I am going to watch episode two so the recap doesn’t take as long to post.

#thebachelor #thebachelorette #funny #tvrecap #humor #realitytv #beccakufrin #nickviall #comedy #writing

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