#again blame kiwi for all things

[theodoradevlin]

Thinking about flicking you 💜💋

[hcdragonwrites]

Epilogue ( @journey-to-the-au Fic)

This is what happens at the end of Tea trouble. It’s just short but it’s because I wanted to write fluff and cuddles and warmth.

The sun sank slowly into the sea, painting that great swath of liquid to fire. Willow felt the soft weariness sneak into her face as finally, finally her family mounted their heavenly steeds and kept back into the sky. The stars were beginning to appear in the darkening night. Gold, wood, water and fire. They marked the sky with their light as she waved her sisters goodbye.

From the mouth of babes came a second peace, a second chance. Lychee had offered the peach and Winter had taken a bite from it. An exchange and a wave of apologies. Willow had spent that time swapping tales and trading secrets of her home. Of her mountain. With her sisters. They listened attentively. They touched her hand- sought comfort and reassurance they had not lost her forever in their callous remarks. Willow reassured, reaffirmed and rebounded with each of her sisters.

She was exhausted. Willow sighed, itching her scalp. Her hairpins still bothered her, and her clothes felt too heavy. She wanted nothing more then to sleep for a fortnight. Anger was an emotion Willow rarely dove into, rarely utilized and unleashed. Calm rage? Yes. Anger that blinds like this one did ? No. It left her feeling achy and tired and o so sensitive to her skin.

Willow sighed. She was so thankful to the fruit troop, to Pear and Apple, Pomelo and Mulberry. And Lychee. The bravest little mischief maker ever. The first to offer a olive branch to her sisters and to forgive them. No one will talk that way to them ever again.

For now as the sun cast itself into the sea Willow felt her final strength ebb and fade with its light. She took a step back to rebalance herself —

Great large furred arms swung her up and over broad shoulders. She squealed in surprise as Wukong raised her up, growing in size himself.

“WILLOW!” He practically roared as the rest of the mountain followed suit. Thousands of the troop came racing forward, pressing close and reaching up to her from the spot on Wukongs shoulders. The rest of them were crowing and hollering and screaming. Calling her name.

“Gather the softest pillows and blankets ! The night will hold for us all- set the guards to chasing any beasts out of the groves. Light the fire pits! And everyone GATHER YOUR FAVORITE FRUIT!” Willow heard the roar of the crowd as they thundered off. Hammocks were pulled between trees, bundles of blankets and pillows and downy things were dragged and set down in the field. Monkeys lit the fire pits that lined the clearing, the great orange light casting dancing shadows as the sun continued its decent. Willow saw the troop laugh and chortle as they brought fruits out. A veritable second feast of food. Kiwis, grapes, oranges, watermelons, melons and nectarines.

Wukong kept Willow on his shoulders. Willow was too tired to ask why or deny the outward pouring of love from her earthen family. This was just the way they heaped support and love onto her. A veritable jungle of nests and hammocks, of blanketed caves and soft spots to lay soon covered the grass all around.

To tangle and tug and touch was the Monkey way of showing love. Willow sighed, laying against her husbands very soft and large head.

“What did I do ? It was all my fault.”

“Hush you I won’t hear you taking the blame for others ever again.” Wukong admonished. Several of the troop had gathered nearby, dragging a forest of bedding and plush to make nests and enjoy the night. Wukong set himself down in the thick of the troop, taking Willow up off his shoulders and into his lap. His tail coiled around her a hand against her middle. The giant monkey practically swamped her as he chirped and cooed, crooned and kissed her temples and nose.

“Wukong don’t swallow her!” Ba admonished. Willow peered from between the fur of Wukongs neck. She felt like a chick beneath a mother hen, completely covered and warm. She saw Ba setting up a little nest beside them. Beng was busy swinging Pomelo and Mulberry about-throwing them into pillows that bounced them slightly in the air.

“Save some for the rest of us please.” Ba snorted. Lychee was seated on Chestnuts shoulders talking his mothers ear off about his day and how he and his friends had gotten Little Weaver Girl to braid them flower crowns. He still wore his on his brow, eyes bright. They two set their bedding and nesting material down beside them.

“Are we all sleeping out beneath the stars ?” Willow asked. Wukong didn’t say yes with words. He was too overcome with an emotion, a puff of pride that expanded his chest. Here was his Willow Tree. The strong women who had been betrothed to him but had chosen him- heart and soul. Willow who had turned Huaguoshan into a protected area. Willow who had stalwartly sat beside him when he had been burning and boiling and close to madness inside that bronze prison. Willow who had bravely offered herself to the Imposter to save the rest of his family. And it had been Willow again who had chosen his people and family, his friends and loved ones, and had brought to heel celestial who thought they could talk down to him and what was his.

Whatever I did - whatever luck shot through my sky and made my stone sentient - I am glad it made me in time to be with her.

“Yes princess.” He softly whispered to her. “You defended all of us yet again. You brilliant warrior.” For she was a warrior. Not of blades or fists or claws of teeth. Words were her weapon and she used them brilliantly. More accurate then an arrows fall, she pierced Huaguoshan enemies with no bloodshed.

If I had met her when I was seeking my enlightenment … before I sought Heavens recognition… he wondered. Would his life have gone on a entirely new path? Wukong mussed her hair with his teeth, nibbling until she tapped his jaw in play.

His friends settled about them and the rest of the troop began to visit Willow, offering food and comfort. The little bundle of baby fruits ran across the clearing. They had been hero’s and they didn’t even know it.

Wukong lay curled over and around Willow like some large languid cat, tail tucked possessively about her. He became larger still, letting the little fruits climb onto his back in their play. Rin Rin came forward and Wukong allowed her to take Willows hair down, to groom and to ease her scalp.

Rin Rin heard the story as Wukong, Ba, Liu and Beng recounted it. They were now all here against Wukongs side, grooming and offering fruits or each other, to Willow. The love was a warm glow in the night , a glow that came from within and rivaled that of the dying sunlight. Ba kept off his pranks and offered Willow sour green grapes- and his deepest vows of loyalty. Wukong snorted happily, a large hand gently scratching along Willows back. Beng checked their little word warrior over and then gave her a single hardy shake. Ma was blubbering with Rin Rin who simply held on and brushed Willows hair out. Liu bowed and offered his own vows of loyalty- setting Ba to trying to outdo him.

Wukong waited till the stars were bright in the sky, the moon rising now to cast her silver light to whisper and speak praise and words of love. He wanted to drown her in the emotion that beat in his chest. It was a glow as steady as the sun and as wild as the world. It was not the same love Rin Rin or Liu or Ba or Chestnut Or Beng Or Ma experienced.

Forever and always. I will See her days filled with joy and peace. I will topple the very pillars that hold this world up to give her that. Wukong watched her burrow into his side, fingers curled in his fur. He looked to the sky, to the Heavens. To beyond that- to the cosmic sphere of reality. The universe beyond the Heavens.

“Thank you for making her. She’s perfect.” Words failed. Perfect was so silly of a word. Willow was more then perfect. She was victorious, stalwart, kind, compassionate, a stone to rest his back against and the shade that hid him from the burning sun.

“I will keep you. Forever. Until the very definition of eternity crumbles. Thank you Willow, for filling my days with your love.”

Wukong kissed her temple and pulled her into his warmth, pulling several of his with her. Tails and hands, feet and limbs all intercrossed and overlapped. They were tangled, intertwined like the roots of a tree. Grounding the willow tree they all loved to their earth, to their mountain.

[everythingunderthestarsthings]

When you fall asleep in their room

For characters: Jeremie Belpois, Odd Della Robbia, Ulrich Stern, William Dunbar

note:

gender neutral reader.

for girls edition here

Code Lyoko Masterlist

Send me requests after reading my ask rules!

Navigate through my other posts and masterlists here!

~

Fighting X.A.N.A. was a job that should come with more coffee, you think as you sway through the halls of the Kadic dormitory.

Classes were over for the day, and so were your detention duties at the library and the garden shed.

The library duty was actually Aelita's, but before Jim could brand her with detention, you had swooped in to take the blame. It had become an unspoken rule amongst the others that Aelita -- baby angel -- shouldn't go through any more than she was already going through, so if she was in trouble for something, they would do anything for her.

Come to think of it, that's how we began, anyway... you think sleepily, rubbing your eyes as you find the room you're looking for. There is never any need to knock -- you just open the door and make a beeline for whatever free space is available.

A voice calls your name just as you plop headfirst onto the mattress.

"I'm crashing here." you announce before making yourself more comfortable and snuggling against the pillow.

You hear a chuckle and a reply.

Jeremie:

"You're as bad as Odd these days."

You're already asleep by then, so Jeremie just smiles to himself and gets back to his work on the antivirus.

However, he cannnot get work done.

Your relationship is fairly new, but the two of you have actually been friends throughout Kadic, but these naps mean something else to him now that you're both romantic partners.

It's not the first time you've crashed in his room unannounced, but that's the thing -- he likes it! He loves that you feel like it's a safe place for you to let your guard down.

You actually sleeping in his room also encourages him to work harder so that he can wow you with his techie prowess by making more progress on something that would help them fight X.A.N.A.

After a few minutes, though, he locks his bedroom door and crawls into bed beside you.

His sleep schedule is whack now, but because of that, he knows when Jim would come on rounds -- in fact, he can tell from five rooms away -- so he wants to nap with you for a while.

Sometimes he just lays with you for a while, listening to your breathing sounds (it calms him) before getting back to work.

Sometimes, he kisses your forehead and naps with you, with your foreheads touching as you lay side by side.

Odd:

"Hold on, sweetie, I'll join you too."

Ulrich: "Again?!"

Odd, and you at the same time: "Piss off, Ulrich."

Ulrich shrugs and either a) goes somewhere else or b) plugs in his earphones and chills there itself.

Odd loves cuddles!

He settles Kiwi down (or has him join too, if you're a dog person) and joins you on the bed.

You hum and nuzzle into the crook of his neck with your arms around his waist.

Odd actually cried out of joy the first time you did this. Ulrich has pictures.

Now he smiles and hugs your waist back, resting his chin on his head and closing his eyes.

Both you and Odd fall asleep within minutes.

If either of you gets warm or your limb falls asleep, you automatically switch positions in your sleep.

Odd can do anything in his sleep. One time, he dog-walked Kiwi while asleep and the gang had no idea what to do with him until Yumi came to the rescue (Hiroki probably had sleepwalking episodes).

Both of you wake up to a) Jeremie alerting them all about X.A.N.A., b) Jim coming on rounds, c) Kiwi jumping on Odd, or d) Ulrich drawing on one of your -- or both -- faces.

Ulrich:

"At this rate, you're practically my roommate, babe."

He crawls into bed with you, with a couple kisses on your face (this is when Odd isn't around or when Odd is napping too). "But I don't mind."

When Odd's there, he's just less cheesy and just climbes onto bed.

Ulrich is either sitting next to you or lying down next to you. He may not feel sleepy when you do sometimes, but he wants to be next to you when you're napping in his room.

Sometimes he finds your hand and plays with your fingers.

Odd: "You've got a real finger thing, Ulrich."

Ulrich: "Shut the hell up, Odd, and if you wake (y/n) up, I will bring hell to you."

When he naps with you, he prefers to be the big spoon and you the little spoon. I feel like Ulrich doesn't necessarily like the feeling of someone breathing on him.

Sometimes he hums to you (Odd can be present for this, he doesn't care).

Sometimes he whispers how much he loves you and how happy and lucky he is to have you (this happens when Odd can't hear him be cheesy).

William:

"Oh, babydoll..."

William loves you coming over like this.

He does not care if he has homework, a call with his parents, or even a goddamn exam -- he will join you.

Unless there's a X.A.N.A. attack, ofc.

He snuggles up next to you and strokes your hair as you slowly fall asleep.

He does not move away from you one bit.

Sometimes he reads poetry or classics to you and you hum back and sleep.

Then William slowly moves your head to his chest (if you didn't already do this when he came to cuddle, that is) and keeps running a finger or two in your hair.

If you're somewhat awake enough, you move up to his face for kisses and he happily obliges.

"I love you,"

"Mm, love you too, baby."

Sometimes, William just stares at the ceiling, his mind wandering as he strokes your hair and cuddles you in your sleep. Sometimes, he joins you.

Jim knows about this because he has caught the two of you on multiple occassions in the same month.

After the fourth time, though, he just gave up and let you two be.

[just-sarah--things]

Alex and Henry fic prompt:

Henry references having shagged other famous boys. Once he’s been publicly outed the press and fan accounts become pretty convinced he was once secretively involved with a pop star and some of his most famous songs about love, heartbreak and sex were inspired by Henry. Alex gets self conscious listening to the old songs that are more explicit about what people assume is Henry’s body and sex life thinking that this pop star was a better lover than Alex himself because Henry is the only man he’s really been with. Alex says Henry is the best sex he’s ever had but isn’t sure if the same is true for Henry with him

Here we go... I tried my best and I Hope you Enjoy. Feel free to send Feed back, more requests, reblogs, likes, and shares. Sweet Creature

“Once unsuccessfully” These words have been floating around Alex’s head since the moment Henry had said them, and now Alex was finally ready to find out who.

“Hen, just tell me already.” Alex begs “Does it really matter Alex?” “No” he huffs “But I am curious” Alex looks at Henry with a big grin. This gets Henry to look up from his book, “Alex all that matters is that I love you and you are my life now.” “What if I guess.” Alex proposes Henry rolls his eyes and returns to his book “Sam Smith” “Robbie Williams” “Tom Daley” “James Blunt” “Lewis Gibson” Henry keeps his eyes focused on his book but continues to shake his head no that is until “Harry Styles” Henry Looks up and is frozen in place, he can’t believe that Alex actually started guessing and guessing correctly nonetheless. “No Fucking way” Alex mutters “It doesn't really matter Alex.” Henry States returning to his book. They spend the rest of the night lazing around the brownstone. Henry reading away and Alex trying to study but his mind can only focus on one thing. His Henry with Harry Styles. The next morning Alex wakes up earlier than Henry and decides he needs a run to clear his head. He mindlessly scrolls through Spotify to listen to during his run. His thumb lingers over the “This is Harry Styles” Playlist he hits shuffle and starts his run. He listens to the first couple songs without really thinking about it, that is until the song Golden starts playing . And when the lyric “I know that you're scared because hearts get broken”  blares through his airpods. He knows this is about his Henry, or should he say Harry’s Henry. Alex shakes this thought and continues to run. Before he knows it he is listening to the lyrics again and hears the song Kiwi and can’t help but think about Henry and the lyric “and all the boys saying they were into such a pretty face on a pretty neck… hard candy dripping on me till my feet are wet, and now he’s all over me…” and the next song that plays only makes Alex more self conscious about his performances in bed. Only Angel is now playing and he can only Imagine Mr. Styles writing the lyric “That he's gonna be an angel, just you wait and see

When it turns out he's a devil in between the sheets And there's nothing he can do about it.” Alex has had it with this Harry Styles Bullshit. He is running as fast as  he can back to the brownstone. Just as he is coming up the walkway to the house one last song catches his attention. Falling now floats softly through his ears as he takes a seat on the front stoop. The opening lyric stops him dead in his tracks. “I'm in my bed, And you're not here, And there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands.” And in that instant Alex realizes that Mr. Styles cheated on Henry, Sweet Perfect Loving Henry, his Henry. And while some of his insecurities slip away because he knows he will never want anyone but Henry and if he did change his mind he would never in a million years think about cheating on him. When Alex walks in he sees Henry is up, already reading his book and sipping on some tea. Alex gives him a kiss on the head and mutters something about running to clear his head and that he needs to shower. Henry decides not to ask to join him and just nods in agreement knowing he will be back soon. Soon turns into ten minutes, then twenty, then thirty, forty five and at the Hour mark Henry goes to investigate. When he walks in the bedroom he sees Alex blankly staring at the ceiling and dried tears on his cheeks, and he knows something is bothering Alex but he isn't sure how to breach the subject. At first he leans in the doorway fiddling with his ring just waiting to see if Alex will notice his presence. When he doesn't Henry clears his voice and Alex is startled to see him there. Alex is Confused all over again. How can someone as wonderful as Henry go from being with (dating? he wonders) Harry Styles to just Alex plain old Alex. 

“Hi” Henry finally mutters, breaking the silence between each of them. 

“I think we need to talk,” Henry says. Alex just nods because what can he say. How can he compete with him?“I have a feeling I know what's on your mind but, can you please let me in that beautiful head of yours?” “How are you even satisfied with me? I hardly knew who I was when our relationship started let alone know what I was doing in our bedroom. How can I compete with someone who called you a devil in the sheets. How do you want plain old Alex when you can have a world famous pop sensation or anyone for that matter.” “Oh Alex, You are not just some plain old Alex. You are Alex Clairmont-Diaz, a mouthful, but you are mine and I wouldn’t change a thing.” “But-” Alex starts “No buts, I am flattered you think those songs are about me, and maybe they are but I only know for a fact that one of them is.” “Is it-” “I walked in on him, he was with someone else.” Henry finishes “Baby, I am so sorry.” “That’s what makes you more than just Alex, you have honesty, honor, and integrity. And to me that means more than what any super star can provide. Plus you are the best I’ve ever been with.” “How so?” Alex questions “It's different when you are with someone you love and someone that loves you back.”

[monkiebois]

Imma talk about consequenses Au

aight so bassically

its a family au

where the samadhi fire is sealed away, where wukong ends up retiring and also an au where Wukong is Nezha's dad. adopted but still.

so yeah the au really starts there, Wukong and nezha bond over both being fucked over by heaven yet still bowing down to thier forces. after the journey they just end up *twists fingers togethor* like that.

Sun Nezha || Lotus

now 100's of years after the journey the samadhi fire happens, it

it happens like in cannon.

then dbk is sealed away.

normal cannon stuff exept nezha is around wukong more often and is one of his only companions so the guy isnt COMPLETLY alone.

now macaque interferes in wukongs like more too in this au b4 mk comes along but i havent developed that enough.

also my hc for mk HERE

one day heaven calls swk to meet with them under URGENT bussiness. like end of world bussiness as they say, they call nezha to come too. bassically anyone important and powerful is called to this meeting. not a whole lot of people only the most powerful and important. this includes but is not limited to

swk, nezha , erlang, Kuan yin, the jade emporer.

apparently a piece of the samadhi fire was not sealed away correctly and escaped the ritual and is now in the hands of a young baby girl.

a dragon girl.

they all freak out and erlang blames swk, but kuan yin calms everyone down using magic stuff. idk i hc they have a magic calming power that makes everyone chill tf out and think clearly.

they propose to take the fire out of the child but apparently (bc she was born with it) if they take it out it will kill her.

so kuan yin and nezha mumble to each other for a moment then kuan yin stands up and proposes an idea, swk is a being who has had to learn how to control power equal to the samadhi fire. so perhaps he could teach the child how to control it.

if it wasnt for kuan yins calming magic all hell would have been let loose. no one likes the idea of-of MONKEY teaching a CHILD to control an uncontrollable power.

(nezha and swk have one hell of a headache rn and its only gonna get worse)

so while theyre arguing and bitching over what to do little baby mei is about to change her entire life.

someone rushes into the meeting and informs everyone that the girls home is lit on fire.

red and black fire.

Swk and nezha are the first and only ones to leave, kuan yin stays there and insists everyone else stays. (that includes you erlang)

Swk and nezha make it to Mei's house and swk makes nezha stay while he goes in and gets everyone out.

Mei is the only one who makes it out alive carried in swk's arms.

She's barely a hundred days old.

swk tells heaven he will be taking this young girl in and act as her father. he creates a strong seal (bc this is only a third of the fire a seal works well enough to stop the fire from combusting again) Kuan yin and nezha both endorse this decision and swk ends up with a baby girl.

Sun Xiaojiao || Kiwi || Mei

so for four years mei is the daughter of swk and little sister to Nezha, theyre all happy and swk teaches mei little small magic stuff. nothing too crazy just baby magic.

one day swk goes grocery shopping wile nezha stays with mei.

he's felt it all night, growing.

power

it starts small but large enough to reach across the city, then steadily grows and swk is forced to stop what he's doing and search the city for this overgrowing power source. one that just wont stop getting bigger by the second.

he eventually finds the source of the power but its not some demon stronghold or spell.

its just an apartment building.

one that's door is ripped to shreds.

blood stains the floor's and turns himself into a fly to avoid stepping in the piles of gore on the floor. suddenly he hears a baby crying. the power source is still here.

he rushes in (still a fly and finds a demon looming over a crib claws bared about to strike the young thing)

swk poofs back into his normal form and within the smoke the poof left he grabs the baby and jumps out the window. after he's landed and rushed to the side of the building he does his best to soothe the young monkey...demon...

one with...with his eyes...

not his red ones, eyes from before he was burned

a monkey demon with power that shines just like his.

His succesor

he panics for a moment, internally. he's still as a rock in this moment. and in this moment macaque decided to appear to mess with him. (wrong timing macdonalds)

he tries to fuck around but a smile grows on swk's face and he pushes the baby into mac's arms. smiles with to much teeth and tells him to watch the little guy for like...three minutes.

Mac is dumbfounded and confused af screaming at swk as he goes back up to the apartment but shuts up once his sensitive hearing picks up what wukong is doing.

ps. its murder.

bloody murder.

then something reaches up for him. oh yeah he's got a baby in his arms. then mac panics.

THIS IS A CELESTIAL MONKEY BABY

and it...well he kinda looks like mac doesnt he?

The face marking forming on the little guy's face is a similar color to Mac's, his fur is dark and long just like his own but brown.

little guy's really cute.

Mac ends up playing with little baby mk and swk appears in the shadows of the alleyway covered in blood and askign for the babyback. Mac tells him fuck no, not until you clean off that blood. you expect to carry a baby like that?!?! dumbass.

Swk blinks and realises then he awkardly asks mac to come back to his house so he can take mk home.

mac agree's but on one condition.

he gets to babysit.

swk refuses.

mac leaps into his shadows.

mac teleported to ffm but swk doest know that. when nezha see's him he almost attacks mac but the baby with swk's powers makes him stop in his tracks. Mac explains (what he knows) and tells nezha to call swk while mac goes and gets some fruit for the baby. when swk gets there nezha takes baby mk into mei's room and mei (half asleep) instantly turns into a big sister and claims the little guy, the nezha climbs in bc he does not want to deal with the god's of complicated relationships . so yeah they sleep together while chaos ensues outside

bassically swk and mac talk for a while

then argue.

then mac leaves.

then he comes back like two hours later

more arguing.

then a real conversation

then crying

then swk and mac kiss

nezha throws up bc ew guys pls its 7 in the goddamn morning what the fuck

and bam thats how swk adopted mk and Mac became thier babysitter/mom

Sun Xiaotian || Mk || Monkey Kid ||

so yah consequences AU. one big family and rlly the entire plot is just the kids growing up and then turning into vigilante's with thier amazing powers and everything.

[emsprovisions]

Gus Week Day 5 - Sports

Inspired by this art by @sapphic--kiwi :) (aka she made me write this blame her)

word count: 601

CW for kissink at the end but if you saw the art, that's. that's the kissink

Gus knew he could make this play. 

It was a little reckless, but who was he if not a reckless flyer derby player? The way he balanced on his staff was unconventional, but it was the only way he and Emmiline could fly together.

Somewhere in the background of all the fanfare from the stands and the announcers calling plays, Gus was dimly aware that Willow was screaming at him. In his adrenaline-fueled rush, he thought she was encouraging him on. He could make it. He knew he could. He’d done far worse moves before and been fine. 

Gus leapt off his staff in midair, reaching for the flag on the end of the Glandus player’s staff. There was nothing below his feet, he just had blind faith that Emmiline would be there when gravity took hold.

Only, Gus miscalculated. 

His fingertips grazed the edge of the flag without grasping hold and he began plummeting down, Emmiline not below him like the tightrope landing he’d planned.

Gus was falling fast. Sounds whipped by. In the distance, he swore he heard some screaming. Familiar voices echoing around the wind whipping past his ears and for a moment, he wondered if this was it.

That was when Gus landed softly in a patch of Willow’s vines, cocooned by a raised bed of dirt that he had a sneaking suspicion a certain constructionist had a hand in. At the same moment, the timer screamed, signaling the end of the game and a lost match for the Emerald Entrails.

Gus sat up in the bed of dirt and vines and looked around. Emmiline was lying right beside him, still in staff form. He picked her up and stood, feeling only slightly disoriented. 

“GUS!” Several voices screamed, all coming at him.

Skara made it to him first, a hand reaching for his shoulder and concern in her eyes. She was followed by Willow, then Hunter, then–perhaps the only angry face amongst them–his boyfriend, who was staring at him with so much mixed anger and relief that Gus felt a knot of guilt twist his stomach. 

Matt pushed his way to the front of Gus’s friends.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT, PORTER. You almost broke your fucking neck!!!” 

Matt was gentler than his demeanor seemed. The hands that grabbed Gus and pulled him forward into a tight hug were soft and careful, even though Matt seemed so angry. “Don’t do that again,” he whispered in Gus’s ear. 

He hardly ever enacted any PDA. It wasn’t Matt Tholomule’s thing. So Gus knew he had really fucked up.

“I’m sorry,” Gus said over Matt’s shoulder. “I’m sorry we lost.”

“We’re just happy you’re alive, Gus.” Willow smiled softly, before leading the rest of the team back a bit to give Gus and Matt some space.

Matt drew back just enough to cup Gus’s face. “You scared me, Gus.”

Gus met Matt’s eyes and saw the fear there, as well as the relief and joy, and most importantly, the love. 

“It won’t happen again?” Gus offered.

Matt just scoffed. “Don’t lie to me like that, Porter.” 

Gus smiled and wrapped his free arm around Matt’s waist, staff in his other hand. “C’mere,” he whispered.

Matt jumped into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist and kissed him deeply. One hand curled around the base of Gus’s neck, the other fisting up his shirt, gripping him so tightly just to make sure he was still alive and well, kissing him so deeply to make sure his lips weren’t broken.

“You’re such an idiot, Porter,” Matt whispered against his lips before kissing him again.

[sapphicfolch]

wintertime relay race

hello, @protectingourfuture! i am your secret santa in @codesecretsanta's game and, before you start reading, i need to make two things clear: one, i never understood how timezones work, so i really hope i'm posting this on time. two, english is not my first language, so i hope you can forgive any awkward mistakes.

i really, really hope you like it!! i had a lot of fun writing for you.

As soon as the last kernel popped inside of Yumi’s microwave, a timer set off inside her head. She almost slammed the door shut, using the very last second to yell out.

“Maïtena from school left her books here! It’ll just be a minute!” Her backpack, with all her books, of course, rested unopened on top of her bed.

Her thick boots kept her from slipping on the icy pavement that led to the academy — she even dared to glide across it, just as she’d done that very morning. When she crawled under the gate, through the growing space almost hidden by the brushwood, she couldn’t help but stiffen a laugh.

“Already the second time I have had to sneak in here today…”, she explained to Jeremie. The boy, in the warmest of his brown pyjamas and beige wellingtons to match, looked down upon her with the question tinting his face. She hadn’t even put on a coat, and, from Jeremie’s perspective, she was just a face and an arm blossoming from the snowy hedges — undoubtedly for him, too much of a cold and uncomfortable position to laugh in. “They should just turn this into an official entrance.” And with the proposition, a wave goodbye and a carried-out exchange, the girl disappeared under the bushes the same way she had appeared.

Jeremie started now his sprint, bag in his hand. He seemed confident enough for the first few turns, or perhaps too focused on not getting caught to notice his own exhaustion, but as soon as he crossed the finish line —the threshold of the dorms’ building— he allowed himself a quick breath. The popcorns were certainly colder than when he’d gotten them, where they were already lukewarm at best, with the horrible weather, rather than his running stamina, being to blame. He climbed carefully up the stairs, his soaked boots threatening to make him slip at any second, and finally made his way to his room. Quickly, he disposed of his boots and donned warm socks, leaving the popcorn bag on top of his tower all the while. It had been running one of its many test programmes for Aelita’s materialization all evening, and its heat could very well cook the popcorn itself. When he grabbed them again, the bag, at the very least, was considerably warmer.

He then knocked on the door a few rooms down, where he was greeted by a boy with eyebags as dark as his hair. Without the need to exchange a word, luckily for both of them, he turned the popcorn in and marched away towards the warmth of his room, or, perhaps, that of the showers. Either way, Ulrich dismissed him with a playful military salute and turned to his own ordeal.

“Was that the priest, Ulrich? Please, tell me he was here to give me the last sacraments…” A voice moaned inside his room.

“For the last time, Odd, you have a cold. It’s not even the flu or anything, you were just fine while fighting this very morning!” He retorted.

“Oh… Fighting… How I miss it… Do you think I’ll be able to go back to Lyoko ever again?”

The voice came from under a suffocating mountain of blankets and heating pads. One could have had trouble recognizing it if they hadn’t spent the entire evening answering to its requests and wailing. As the only answer to his question, Ulrich threw himself on top of the blankets and ignored the “ouch!” and the canine cry that came out.

“Jeremie brought Yumi’s popcorn. Now move over and tell Kiwi to do the same, I want to watch the movie as well.”

Grumbling, the entire mass of cloth rolled over, offering a single breach for Ulrich to crawl in. The tiny space, already populated by one sick Odd and an equally ailing Kiwi, would have been too hot to bear for almost anyone who hadn’t spent the last nights at Kadic Academy. Despite everyone’s complaints about the cold, Delmas had stated that he wasn’t going to turn the heating on until the first day of winter, which was still a few days away. Thus, Ulrich couldn’t help but be grateful about the sweat that started coating his forehead as soon as he opened the popcorn. He took a handful of them before turning the bag to his starving friend.

“What are we watching?”, he then asked.

“I don’t know”. Odd shrugged and blew his nose into one of the blankets. “Some war film.”

“You really are sick”, exclaimed Ulrich. Odd hadn’t bothered to explain the plot from beginning to end, stopping only to point out every movie he knew every actor from and then explaining the plot to that movie, “some war film” felt to him as a confirmation that the world was ending.

He placed his palm against Odd’s forehead, trying to feel any possible signs of a fever. Odd let himself lean on the hand, as if almost falling asleep on it —the unusual comfort of his friend’s hand was certainly soothing— and it was now Ulrich’s time to joke.

“’Some war film’ sounds incredibly boring”, he said, hiding a half smile. “We might as well watch that new Polar Express movie again.”

Odd seemed to come back to life for a second.

“Over my dead body! I find motion capture animation disturbing, Ulrich, you know it!”

“Alright, alright!” Ulrich put his arms up in defence, always pleased to get a rise out of his friend. “And I suppose you don’t want any of those… Clueless, Hearthers versions that have been coming out this year.”

“Not today”, he sighed. “I need to have my full mental powers to appreciate the finesse of most of those.”

“And how about…”

“Ulrich,” Odd cut him off, sounding more serene than he had the entire day “I actually want to watch ‘some war film’.”

“Oh… alright” Ulrich mumbled, almost caught off guard by the apparent and sudden improvement.

“And I’m sick, so you have to watch it as well” he added cheerfully, coughing into the blankets again. “Also, no complaining! You have to pretend you like it.”

And just like that, Odd went back to his cuddling position around Kiwi, who ended up fleeing from the scorching heat after only a few minutes. Ulrich didn’t wait for his friend to complain once more —this time, Ulrich would admit, with the right to do so— before throwing his arm around his shoulders, dragging them closer. Odd had his reddened eyes glued to the screen, breathing in every second of the film; Ulrich, instead, could only look at him, a single question on his mind.

“Have you been blowing your nose on my blanket?”

[celestial-thoughts]

room key

Pairing: Rhea Ripley x Bayley, Platonic Bayley & Dakota Kai, background Shayna Baszler x Dakota Kai

Word count: 1.7k

Author's note: set after Raw 3/20/23. thank you so so much to my lovely prism trap anon for the idea for this fic. i am so sorry it took me forever to write it, but i hope you enjoy!

read this fic on ao3 here.

Dakota is smirking at Bayley the moment they step through the curtain backstage. “You okay?” the Kiwi girl asks, raising an eyebrow. “You look a little flushed.”

“I do not,” Bayley insists, but one look at her reflection in a nearby mirror and she realizes that Dakota is right.

“Hey, I’m not saying I blame you,” Dakota says. “She went all in on that pin. I would be flustered too."

Bayley starts to say something, when she suddenly catches sight of Rhea coming around the corner. "Hey, nice job out there tonight," the Aussie woman says, her gaze focused on Bayley. 

"Thanks, you too," Bayley manages to reply without stumbling over her words.

Rhea's lips move into a sly smirk, as she presses a flat piece of plastic into Bayley's palm. Bayley looks down to find a key card for a hotel room, nearly identical to the one in her own bag. "Room 515," Rhea says. "If you're interested."

Bayley wants to ask what Rhea is implying, but Damian calls out to Rhea from the other end of the hallway and Rhea shoots Bayley a final, knowing smile before walking past them to her stablemate.

Dakota giggles, grinning at her teammate. "Shut up," Bayley says through gritted teeth. 

"Are you gonna go?" Dakota asks, even though her smirk clearly says that she knows the answer to her question. 

Bayley shrugs, trying to act casual. "Maybe," she says. 

"You should go," Dakota insists. 

Realizing that Dakota isn't going to drop the subject, Bayley sighs. "I'll think about it," she finally says. "Ready to go?"

Dakota picks up her bag and nods. "Yeah," she says. "I want to call Shayna before it gets to be too late." 

"Any idea if she's going to be on the card at Mania?" Bayley asks as she and Dakota make their way to the arena exit.

Shaking her head, Dakota lets out a sigh. "Nope," she says. "Last I heard, there was talk of adding her and Ronda to the women's showcase match, but it depends on how long Ronda's injury is going to take to heal." 

Bayley gives a sympathetic nod, remembering all too well the feeling of being left off of the biggest show of the year. "How's she handling it?" she asks Dakota. Though Bayley and Shayna haven't worked together much, a friendship began to form between them when Dakota returned alongside Bayley at SummerSlam.

"She's taking the situation better than I expected," Dakota says. "I mean, she's frustrated, of course. But she's holding out hope that things work out." They arrive at the rental car and Dakota climbs into the passenger seat, letting Bayley drive. The car is silent for the first few minutes of the drive, before Dakota speaks up again. "So, are you going to go?" she asks.

Bayley doesn't need to ask what Dakota is referring to. She feels the keycard practically burning a hole in her pocket. "I don't know. Part of me wants to go," she admits. "But I don't know what to expect, or what she wants from me."

Dakota raises an eyebrow. "It's Rhea," she says. "I think you can probably guess." 

"But that's the thing," Bayley says with a sigh. "I don't want Rhea to think of me as just another one-night stand. I'm not saying I necessarily want something serious, but I'm not exactly into the idea of hooking up one night in a hotel room, and then pretending that it never happened." She lets out another sigh as she pulls into the parking lot.

"Who says it has to be about what she wants from you?" Dakota asks. "Just because she's inviting you to her room, doesn't mean you just have to give in to whatever she says. It's about you, as much as it's about her."

Bayley gives Dakota a look. "So you're saying I should try to be in charge?" she asks. "Because I have a feeling Rhea isn't the kind of person who likes to submit to anyone."

"Well, it doesn't hurt to make the suggestion," Dakota says, as they both climb out of the car and grab their bags. She looks at Bayley as they walk into the hotel and cross the foyer to the elevators. "But I can't tell you what to do. You have to decide for yourself." She pauses for a moment, before speaking again. "But ask yourself if you're going to regret not going more or less than you think you would regret going."

So that's what Bayley thinks about as she and Dakota enter the hotel room that they're sharing. It's what she thinks about as she takes off her gear and showers, washes off her makeup and gets dressed in sweatpants and an old t-shirt. 

And it's what she thinks about as she grabs her phone and two room keys, and quietly slips out the door, not wanting to interrupt Dakota, who's on FaceTime with Shayna. Before she has a chance to talk herself out of it, Bayley walks down the hallway to the elevator, goes up two floors, and emerges on the fifth floor of the hotel. She walks down the hall, stopping in front of the room marked with the number 515. 

Is she going to regret doing this? Possibly. But would she regret not doing it? Almost certainly. So Bayley takes a deep breath, lets it out, scans the room key, and enters the room, pocketing the key as she steps inside.

Rhea is sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes on the door. "So you decided to take me up on my offer," she says. 

Bayley closes the door behind her, but stays next to the exit, unsure of her place in this situation. "I did," she says slowly. "Though I have to admit, I'm not quite sure what your offer entails.

A sly smirk finds its way onto Rhea's lips. "You're a smart girl," she teases as she stands up from the bed, slowly making her way across the room to where Bayley is hovering by the door. "I'm sure you can figure it out." 

Rhea runs her hands up Bayley's sides and leans in close. "I'm going to kiss you now," she whispers, her lips just inches Bayley's ear.

And Bayley isn't going to object, melting into Rhea as the younger woman kisses her. It's not a soft or tender kiss by any means, but neither is Rhea. The kiss is slow and fierce, Rhea teasing into Bayley's mouth with her tongue. Her hands make their way to Bayley's shoulders and she pushes Bayley against the door. 

Bayley's response is naturally to push back against Rhea, forcing her against the nearest wall, never breaking from the kiss. There's tension between them, a power struggle as the two dominant women fight for control.

Suddenly, Rhea steps back. "Why are we doing this?" she says with a sigh. "We're both sore and exhausted. This certainly isn't going to help anything."

"Hey, you're the one who invited me here," Bayley points out. "But you make a fair point." 

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Then, Rhea wraps her hand around Bayley's wrist and tugs her over to the bed. They collapse onto the mattress in a tangle of limbs, and Bayley's lips find Rhea's instinctively.

Bayley doesn't remember much from the next several minutes, but she remembers a few things: Rhea's tongue teasing into her mouth. Her fingers in Rhea's hair. Rhea's breath against her neck. 

When they finally break apart, and Bayley tries to stand up and return to her room for the night, Rhea pulls her back down onto the bed beside her. "Stay," she says. "Please. Stay with me for the night."

And Bayley can't say no to that accent, so she settles back in beside Rhea. "Dakota is never going to let me hear the end of this," she says with a sigh.

Rhea laughs, wrapping her arms around Bayley's torso. "Shayna is going to tease me for days if Dakota tells her about this," she says. "But then again, we gave them so much crap when they first got together, so I suppose it's only fair."

Bayley laughs, resting her head on Rhea's chest. They stay curled up together, Bayley in Rhea's arms until they fall asleep, and they wake up the same way. Bayley wouldn't mind spending all day in bed with Rhea, but they both have flights to get to, so Bayley settles for a lingering kiss and a promise that they'll text each other before their flights leave. 

She's just about to leave Rhea's hotel room when the Aussie woman places a hand on her shoulder. "Can I take you out?" she asks, and her voice is hesitant and shy in a way that makes Bayley's heart skip a beat. "On a real date, I mean. Not just making out in a hotel room."

"Well, I didn't have any problems with making out in a hotel room," Bayley teases. "But yes, I would love to go on a date with you."

Rhea smiles shyly, placing a soft kiss on Bayley's lips and promising to call her tonight. Bayley feels like she's floating as she returns to her room.

Dakota is sitting criss cross at the edge of her bed when Bayley returns. "Something you want to tell me?" she asks, a knowing grin on her face. 

As much as she tries to hide it, a giddy smile finds its way onto Bayley's face, accompanied by a faint blush. She nods, which prompts Dakota to let out an excited squeal and jump up from the bed. Bayley lets Dakota tug her over to the bed and sits down. "So how was it?" Dakota asks eagerly.

"It was amazing," Bayley says, prompting Dakota to let out another squeak of excitement. "We didn't go too far because we were both tired, but we made out a bit. And then we cuddled for a while."

Dakota watches her friend with bright eyes, not missing the pink flush in Bayley's cheeks. "Anything else?" she asks, almost as if she knows there's more to the story.

Bayley nods. "She asked me out," she says. "On a date."

"See, I told you going over there was a good idea," Dakota says with a satisfied smirk. Then her expression softened into a fond smile. "I'm glad you're happy," she says. "You deserve it. Both of you do."

Bayley smiles at her teammate. "Thanks for convincing me to go," she says. 

"Anytime," Dakota replies. "You know I've always got your back."

[blubushie]

sniper headcanons compilation

wheres the fuckin

THERE IT IS

You're not getting any for Sniper because I don't do headcanons for actual canon characters but have all the Mundy characterisations you want! (Had to add a line break because this is so long, oops.)

His middle name is Jonathan, after his dad.

190cm/~6’3”. Taller than Charles, and Charles hates it because it makes it harder to intimidate his daughter’s boyfriend.

Terrified of commitment. This is important later.

Has intrusive thoughts (you and me both, mate). This is VERY important later.

Sniper and Mundy are not two separate personalities. They’re the same person. “Sniper” is the blame-name for the parts of himself that Mundy doesn’t want to acknowledge—the occasional sadism when he’s really pissed off, the quick temper with certain topics, the cold professionalism. Sniper is a persona, Mundy is the person. Mundy’s just convinced himself of this idea that Sniper isn’t him to save himself the blame of his own actions. It doesn’t work.

Mundy isn’t completely unaffected by Australium. He’s immune to most elapid venom (most venomous snakes in Australia are elapids) with the exception of taipoxin, which happens to be the most lethal neurotoxin ever discovered (sourced from the inland taipan, an Australian native and the most venomous snake on the planet). He’s immune to certain toxins including the bufotoxin found in cane toads that can kill you (for example, I have to microdose licking toads because bufotoxin is so deadly. He can consume an entire dose and ride out the bufotenine with no effect from the deadly bufotoxin. In order to get that kind of high I have to smoke the shit instead.) He’s got a keen eye, quick draw, and he’s impervious to extreme temperatures. He has an incredible immune system and can fight off infections that would kill a normal human. He has accelerated levels of healing and can recover from physical trauma in half the time it’d take a normal human. But he wasn’t exposed to high enough levels of Australium where it altered his physiology from a notable distance—his chest hair is normal, he’s lanky, he can’t grow a moustache, and when people think of an Aussie they don’t judge you on your ability to survive, they judge you on your appearance.

Little tidbit about me: I fucking hate autism headcanons with a burning passion. Mundy is a shy introvert with certain obsessive behaviours and I put parts of myself into my characterisation of him. That said, I will never confirm that Mundy has autism. I feel like autism headcanons (and other kinds of headcanons that I won't get into) often depend exclusively on (often harmful) stereotypes and so I’m not going to paint him with a brush of confirmation. Mundy is Mundy, end of. If you see my characterisation of him as autistic, onya mate, I just ask that you ask yourself what about him makes you think he’s autistic and if those things are a matter of nature vs nurture vs his biological heritage as a Kiwi.

On that note: I’ve said it a thousand times before and I’ll say it again, Mundy is fucking Australian and I will die on that hill. It took a lifetime and a death to realise that he’s always been Australian, regardless of the moustache or chest hair or muscles.

Stealing from a previous ask I answered: King of Psychonauts. If it can be naturally sourced, fair chance he's tried it (Mundy does not fuck with anything synthetic). Psychonaut of the team to the point Luddy goes to him for advice. Routinely does shrooms, occasionally travels to Arizona to catch Colorado River toads to source DMT for later. Feral about the DMT and does not share but will share his shrooms with you if you ask nicely. Picks them himself. Has everything from cubes to azzies but hates azzies because (despite being a more intense high) they're still azzies and every time he takes them he ends up paralysed for two hours. ABSOLUTELY HATES CANNABIS. As a bushman and an Australian he has a finely-tuned sense of smell and the smell of cannabis drives him up a wall. Has done everything I have minus LSD and ecstasy. Has done opium in a Bombay den and in Bangkok. The Bangkok one was more fun. Has done ketamine four times (makes it himself) but only once was recreationally. One was to treat pain after he was shot during a job (yes this was the one above his armpit). The other two was accidentally sticking himself with Sleeper darts because he's a dumb cunt. Actually doesn't like ketamine all that much because if he takes a full dose he wakes up with a headache. Probably bumped cocaine off a hooker's arse once and he will take that secret to his grave. Also smokes, obviously. Prefers Winfields (the red pack) but when he has the time he hand-rolls his own durries. Also chews tobacco sometimes. DOES NOT DRINK CAFFEINE. It makes his hands shake. Loves the taste of coffee (he drinks it black with no sugar) but only uses decaf beans so the caffeine level is so low that it doesn’t affect his aim. Also has a surprisingly good taste for alcohol—his favourite beer is VB but the best beer he’s ever had was Emu Export, he can just never find it outside of WA. Favourite cocktail is the old fashioned because he has an affection for whisky. Also spent his life drinking his dad’s bushshine plus is an Australian, so he has the highest liquor tolerance out of everyone on either team and could drink anyone under the table. Despite being VERY INSISTENT on psychedelic safety he's a complete hypocrite when it comes to practice: he never has a trip sitter, he does it when he's depressed or upset, he takes heroic/breakthrough doses even when he's already feeling like shit, and he spontaneously trips instead of planning in advance. Don't be like Mundy (or me). Also a massive adrenaline junkie and this becomes VERY OBVIOUS in Australia.

Womaniser. If I’m honest, he probably would have settled down and been married by now if he’d 1) never met that girl in Rhodesia and 2) hadn’t become a hitman. Does it in an almost classy way, though? He’s not rude about it. Still shy and never approaches first. Most you’ll ever get is him telling the bartender to put your drink on his docket if he thinks you’re particularly attractive.

His job and his wanderlust are the main source of his fear of commitment. That and lingering fears of rejection from his childhood and teens.

His first three “girlfriends” were sheep. He never had a fourth. All three died (two of dingos, one of snakebite) and he didn’t find out that girlfriend didn’t mean “female mate” until he was almost fourteen and that was after he’d already gone around school talking about his girlfriend who had the softest wool you’d ever touch. Was known as a sheepshagger for the rest of the year.

Uses his dad’s name as an alias. Only the first, never the last. For the last name he uses McKay, the surname of the nearest neighbour to his family’s station (hello Kallara) but he always calls McKay “Macca” because in Australia if your surname starts with “Mc” you’re Macca. Still has three mates in Australia: Stevo, who’s Macca’s son, Robbo, the bartender at Daly Waters (best pub on the planet), and Jonno, a bloke who lives up near Kakadu and owns a breeding facility for horses. When Mundy sold his mare, Marree, he sold her to Jonno as a broodmare. Marree is still alive but she’s older, so now she’s retired and works as a trail horse. :]

Had a kelpie/blue heeler cross as a kid named Blue. A quintessential Aussie experience is naming any blue heeler “Blue” and any red heeler “Red.” We’re not very creative. Australian animals (and people) live longer thanks to Australium and Blue was 22 when he died, not due to natural causes. He probably would’ve reached 25. Mundy had him since he was 8 years old. Will absolutely go John Wick if he ever finds out who shot his dog.

Knows African French, also knowns Auslan (Australian sign language). Jacques hates the French because it’s “uncouth” African French instead of traditional French. Mundy also has a basic understanding of it and doesn’t speak it well, just enough to hold a conversation. He gets his pronunciations and grammar wrong and Jacques desperately wishes he’d just not speak it at all. He’s just as bad at Auslan but he routinely signs “cunt” to Charles when Tamotu teaches him. Also knows certain words of Agurrta (this is important later).

That’s all I can think of for now. I’m taking another dose of shrooms so keep the questions coming!

[foodfightnovelization]

Chapter 17: Analysis and Discussion

Chapter 17 begins back in Marketropolis, at the security rally all the Ikes have been forced to attend. Lady X is giving a speech from atop the Brand X building, insisting there are only two kinds of product icon in the world...desirables, and undesirables. She insists the Ikes turn each other in and join Brand X, leading an Ike called Ant Acid to turn in the friendly Kiwi Koala, saying he causes heartburn.

The novelization describes Lieutenant X and General X being with Lady X when this speech happens, but in the movie she's just standing by herself. In addition, in the movie the Brand X Lunchlady is eating a giant hock of ham throughout the entire speech, letting out a disgustingly loud burp at the end and blaming Kiwi Koala for her belching. The Brand X Lunchlady isn't IN the novelization, so here we just have Ant Acid (a background character with no dialogue in the movie) selling out his friend in an attempt to save himself. I once again prefer the novelization's version of events here- the belch in the movie is really unpleasant to listen to, and the good Ikes selling each other out gives us a better idea of just how bad things have gotten in Marketropolis.

Kiwi Koala is grabbed by the Brand X Mashed Potato Man and dragged off (this novelization-exclusive character once again making an appearance! In the movie it's just a generic Brand X soldier taking him away). Meanwhile, Lady X continues her speech and the terrified Ikes join in her chant. Her dialogue here is identical to how it is in the movie, and the whole thing is giving some serious Nazi vibes.

There's an additional scene here exclusive to the novelization where it's mentioned some USDA members are on the stage with her (once again, in the movie she's just by herself). One of them, Francois Fromage blames Hairy for giving up the USDA to her. He nervously insists that Lady X promised it'd all work out, but you can tell he isn't convinced and is telling himself as much as he's telling Francois. It's a small scene, but I think it adds some much-needed depth to Hairy's character, and gives him a little more involvement in the plot.

Meanwhile at the Copabanana, a resistance is forming. Lola Fruitola can't believe what's going on out there, and says they should slice Brand X up like sushi. This frightens an "upmarket canned fish icon" who we established in previous chapters is supposed to be Charlie Tuna, and she apologizes, explaining it's just a figure of speech. This brief exchange isn't in the movie, instead being replaced by the California Raisins singing a very badly autotuned song up on the stage.

Francois, Polar Penguin and Sweet Cakes rush into the club wishing to join the resistance- in the movie, Polar gets an additional line of dialogue here saying he's reporting for duty as instructed by Dex, and there are a few more Ikes joining the Resistance (including Fat Cat's hairless hamster henchmen from the very beginning of the story! Remember those guys?) Here however, it's just the three of them, and Maximilius worries they don't stand a chance unless Dex comes back soon.

Lieutenant X and a troop of Brand X soldiers show up, claiming Dex Dogtective has been discontinued and that unless everyone else wishes to do the same they need to sing their alliegance to Brand X. The soldiers start singing, but the Ikes refuse to join in, with Francois Fromage starting to sing the USDA anthem instead. Just as Lieutenant X starts threatening him, Dex bursts into the club and tells the raisins onstage (obviously the California Raisins, but not referred to as such) to "play it".

This scene is more or less the same across both the novelization and the movie, give or take a line of dialogue or two. However in the movie when Lieutenant X insists Francois sing along, instead of singing the USDA anthem, he jumps in the air and farts in the Lieutenant's face- obviously I think the novelization does it better, as the movie seems to have a strange fixation with toilet humor that's mostly absent here. Curiously, the narration here refers to Francois as a "frog" at one point. He's very much NOT a frog (even in the color pages from this same novelization we see he's just a regular French man) so either the author made a mistake here, or they're using "frog" in the context of a slur against French people. And really, haven't the French been through enough?

The raisins onstage start singing the USDA song, and it's a loose parody of the French national anthem. If you hadn't guessed already (but really, why would you?) this whole scene is a parody of the part in Casablanca where everyone in the club sings La Marseillaise. That makes another of Foodfight's curious references to Casablanca (I count about 4 or 5 so far) and we're left wondering how appropriate it is to compare occupied France in World War 2 to a grocery store getting taken over by low quality detergent. Regardless, this scene is basically the same across both the novelization and the movie. Viva la France!

Lieutenant X and the other soldiers retreat, but threaten to return and pulverize them all. Everyone's overjoyed to see Dex again, and he says they won't go down without a fight. It's at this point in the movie that we cut to the Brand X tower, with Lady X saying they have the Resistance cornered and that they'll show no mercy- that's cut out entirely here however, and the scene goes on uninterrupted. We're treated to some some additional dialogue from Dex about how when Lady X finds out he and Dan are still alive, they'll come for every Ike left with everything they have, and that they have only one option. We get a Suicide Squad title drop from Maximilius as well- "Boss...youse talking about a food fight!"

Dex gives a speech about how we've all lost someone, but we can't fight for the way things were, only the way they should be. This speech, powerful as it is, is the same across both the novelization and the movie however, so there's nothing more to say here.

Everyone agrees to work together with Dex to stop Brand X, and he agrees to show them what he has in mind. What's Dex planning? Will there really be a food fight? Find out the answers to all your burning questions in Chapter 18!

[beantothemax]

“Throné, Osvald, if you’re both going to Montwise, then may I join you? My brother coincidentally is there and I need to talk to him.”

Everyone stares at Hikari.

“Your brother,” Temenos says slowly. “Your brother…who went and declared a bounty on you. The one who quite literally told you that he will put your head on a pike if he catches you. That brother.”

Ah. Right. He only mentioned Mugen. He never said anything about Kazan. It would make sense that his friends are wary of him going to meet his sibling when the only one they know about is Mugen.

Immediately, he shook his head. “Not to worry my friends. Mugen is not who I need to talk to. Mugen hasn’t been my brother for a very long time.”

The tension faded from the area. “Oh. That’s a relief,” said Partitio. “Well who ya meeting up with then Hikari?”

“Kazan, otherwise known as The Eagle of Ku. He was one of the best strategists Ku had.”

‘Maybe the best strategist in history’ he didn’t add. Kazan is brilliant in his own right but Hikari always did look up to the man, his bias could cloud judgement on other’s strategy.

“He’s my actual brother,” he says instead. “Not by blood but- I believe that blood doesn’t make a family but instead the bonds we share with others.”

Temenos nods “A statement I can attest to. However, Hikari if it isn’t too much trouble, may I ask how you two became brothers?”

Hikari smiles. “It’s no trouble at all Temenos.” He leans back on the tree. “Me and Kazan became brothers due to an unfortunate incident where I was displaced behind enemy lines. I was quite young when it happened, so I couldn’t exactly fight my way back home. Eventually I was bound to be found by someone and that someone turned out to be Kazan and Ori. They took me in and we didn’t have much but I believe that as long as we all each other we had enough. Kazan tried his best to make sure me and Ori were okay.”

Hikari sighed and leaned back. “Eventually we all got to Ku and me and my mother found each other again. I would say things got better from there but war continued and even though Kazan was one of the best strategists in Ku, he got sick of it and left. I don’t blame him for it. Ori left already to study under another scrivener.” His vision went blurry with tears as he continued. “I miss them both. I just hope they still remember me as fondly as I remember them.”

“Who’s Ori Hikarin?” Ochette asks.

Hikari blinks and clears his throat. “Ah. That’s my sister. I believe she’s around your age, Agnea. Perhaps we will see her at some point during our journey.”

“Well shucks. I’m sure they miss you as much as you miss them Hikari. It’s like ya said, your family.” Partitio draped his arm around Hikari’s shoulder. “They may not want to be see Ku anymore but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be see you.”

Hikari smiles at his friend’s words and embrace. “Thank you Partitio. Thank you.”

!!!! MY HEART. OW.

Hikari saying he wants to visit his brother and the other seven just. looking at him warily is amazing. hikari knows a lot of things but how to read a room is not one of them

AND PARTITIO SAYING THAT THEY WANT TO SEE HIM….. AND. ADN HIKARI CRYING WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT THEM,,,,, KIWI THIS IS SO SWEET YOU ALWAYS IMPRESS ME WITH YOUR INBOX FICS

[foxglovesound]

strawberry, mango, and melon for blackthorn my beloved <333

and pear, kiwi, and green apple for foxglove!!

🍓 [STRAWBERRY] How do they feel about ‘cute’ things?

Blackthorn finds them endearing, certainly !! She doesn't have the time to really sit down and smell the roses so to say, but she's very enamored with cute things and the sweeter sides of life. She likes to imagine that if life had been a little different for her, she would've been a caretaker!

🥭 [MANGO] What colours best represent them and why? Does this differ from their favourites?

I think dusky oranges, reds, and browns fit Blackthorn the best personally! I associate autumn colors with her essentially, as well as very dark shades of purple. Shades of color that are still more subdued and less garish than neons or striking colors, but still warm and even emotionally evoking if used correctly. Her favorite color would probably be yellow, though ;)

🍈 [MELON] If they had to be put into a box, what box would it be and why?

She'd probably want to be put into one of those house cat boxes that have like homemade blankets and pillows stuffed in them. She likes soft things <3

--

🍐 [PEAR] What is their current social standing? If they could change it, would they, and to what?

Aha! Interesting question for little Foxglove :] His current social standing is much better than where it was when he was living in Openheath Hillock, but he still has a bit of an odd reputation. There's a bit of controversy around him again considering he's a descendent of the Agoseris-Hummingbird scandal and he's got a very gnarly rumor that Tormentil is his actual sire and not Goldfinch, which makes him a bit awkward around them. Thornwood Sound has a tendency to gossip, unfortunately, and even if their treatment of Foxglove is nowhere near as horrible as Openheath Hillock's was, being the subject of gossip makes him particularly anxious and uncomfortable. He's also known as the guy that used to never sleep in the dens, but considering his past, not a whole lot of cats in Thornwood Sound blamed him for that. That being said, he's relatively well-liked in Thornwood Sound! He's much happier than when he was in Openheath Hillock, and he's found a really good set of friends in Thornwood Sound that he cares about. Ever since his showdown with Murrelet, too, he's gotten a lot more of admiration from cats (especially Weasel, Otter, and their crew). I'd say Foxglove wouldn't want to change; he's happy where he is now.

🥝 [KIWI FRUIT] How does their outside appearance differ from who they are?

Most cats take a look at Foxglove and assume he probably likes being the center of attention; he's got Openheath Hillock's telltale big ears, takes good care of his physical appearance, and, upon finding out he's once royalty, most cats think he'd be all for attention and scandal. He's much more reserved and even awkward than most cats expect when they first see him.

🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it?

:') Touched on it a little in the first question for him, but Foxglove is rumored to be the result of an affair, so Openheath Hillock in particular mocks him for it. He was also much more interested in tunnels and abandoned area exploration, which resulted in some heavily negative experiences in Openheath Hillock. In Thornwood Sound, he doesn't really break from the norm too much, considering that Thornwood Sound is known to essentially be a mixing pot with very little standards. As mentioned before, he's a little bit interesting to everyone because of the rumors surrounding him and some of his behaviors, also the fact that he's more withdrawn than most Thornwood Sound cats are, but he's not punished for it here, thankfully.

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Hunt for Gluten-Free

I am once again reminded that I really have to spread my shopping out amongst various grocery stores if I want much of anything interesting.

I stopped by Tesco on the way home - it’s the biggest supermarket on my route home, see, and I was looking for some stuff to make dill pickles. I did not find what I was looking for; hell, it felt like everything I was looking for was out of stock when I got there. White vinegar, gluten-free bread crumbs... Ech. So the pickles are going to have to wait for a big delivery, I think.

However, I did find a few things I didn’t expect to, which I don’t think Sainsbury’s even do. Basically, the entire gluten-free range at Tesco is way more extensive than the one at Sainsbury’s. Like, they’re where I can find gluten-free, dairy-free tiramisu. (I picked up some of that, incidentally; I deserved a treat). But there was more. When browsing the shelves for bread crumbs, I found gluten-free waffle cones for ice cream. Which ... I mean, wow. And in the frozen food aisle, they had pre-made gluten-free, dairy-free ice cream cones (a la Cornetto). And, further on down the Free From freezer cabinets ... gluten-free frozen onion rings.

This is a huge massive deal for me. You have no idea how much I have missed onion rings. They probably won’t be the same, exactly, but close enough is good enough for me at this point. I’ve had gluten-free battered fish, and that was fine; this should be fine too. At least it’s not going to be as bad as gluten-free pizza crust. And I’m interested to try gluten-free ice-cream cones, mostly because ... again, something I have missed terribly. I can take Lactaid for the ice cream, but there’s no pill I can take that will let me tolerate gluten. So seriously ... this is nothing but awesome as far as I’m concerned.

I’d just do all my shopping at Tesco from now on, except for the part where their gluten-free pasta was kind of nasty the last time I checked. I may try it again next month, and just do the whole big delivery shop at Tesco. Their own-brand ranges are less expensive, too, and their membership card rewards are a fair bit more immediate (as in, massive discounts on certain items if you have their rewards card, instead of just collecting points), so hey.

Of course, the problem was that after picking up the onion rings, the tiramisu, and a few more bits of fruit for the dehydrator (more kiwi fruit because I’m nearly out of that dried, bananas because I still want to try the peanut butter and hazelnut spread banana chips this weekend; I got underripe bananas so they’ll be ready by the time I’m good to go with actual mixing of things, and peaches because a) dried peaches are awesome and b) I got the entire punnet for something like £0.60 so hell yes) ... I had to get it all home.

I should mention that it hit 32 degrees celcius this afternoon. Which translates into nearly 90 Farenheit. And that was outside. That was bad enough for a bag of frozen onion rings. But then I had to get on the bus. The bus was legit like stepping into a sauna. A very smelly sauna, because I think some people are kind of either cheaping out on or just not bothering with deodorant. Which is not a good thing when crammed up against someone in this kind of heat. I think my onion rings survived the half-hour in the way-too-warm. I hope so. Then again, that I survived it was some kind of miracle. The humidity is not doing me any good at all. I mean, the heat’s bad, but I’m more or less blaming my really atrocious flares on the massive heat / humidity combo bit of bullshit.

It’s going to get worse, incidentally. We’re looking at 34 celcius conservative estimate next week (edging towards 94 Farenheit), and some predict that we might get up to 40 celcius (so 104 Farenheit) at some point in the next week or so. In this country. Where air conditioning is a fucking myth 95% of the time and my flat at least is built to keep heat in.

I am going to fucking melt. Some people in this country are going to die. I know that a lot of my friends have 100+ Farenheit summers, but I would still request some sympathy because no one in this country is used to this. I’m literally designed for the cold - my biology A-level teacher proved it once - and people are already struggling over here. If people can’t even afford to run their refrigerators, you think they’re going to be able to manage a fan? We’re already at an amber warning for extreme heat, and this isn’t as bad as it’s going to get this year.

Given this and the entire lack of snow this winter, I can only wince when the shitlords competing to be Conservative party leader (and thus Prime Minister) effectively either ignore climate change or outright state that they’re going to drop all the net zero pledges. And also reiterate that the next person who tells me that global warming isn’t a thing is getting slapped.

[sweetest-hive-of-hearts]

gonna fucking, make a blog 2 post eggpocolypse dsmp au stuff bc fuck canon which I no longer can or will willingly follow or learn abt through anyone but certain friends who we’re too attached 2 2 leave bc dsmp doesn’t vibe well anymor unless it’s info 4m them(and only Technoblade’s pov, which if I watch again I will abandon further attachments 2 this stuff and might get amgy at hivemates which is bad,) I want to write and draw for the one au I desperately can’t figure out how 2 write as if it isn’t dsmp but have essentially created so far from canon it’s barely dsmp anymore itself, it’s like, if u squint u can find that it’s dsmp but if u don’ know dsmp ur clueless abt it, most of the characters (at least the surviving, non-infected characters) have different names or slightly changed names too due to story stuff as well, and it’s so, so fucking canon divergent u can barely find canon content,

@crunchtasticcereal I will partially blame u and Kiwi abt this development/aff/lh/nm

also @ljxlovesarts (srry idk if u have another acc/blog mor appropriate I could @ 4 this :() I’m so srry u might have 2 see this content if at all, pls read the tags 4 why I won’t outright ditch working on this one thing/srs I understand if this makes u wanna block any/all om our accs we’ve been communicating w/ u on and will respect ur choice wonderful bing, /gen

[lovings4turn]

sincerest apologiiiiiies for my delay in response too !! i've been sleepy + also i've had this odd-ish !? sinking feeling since this morning but it's a little bit better as of now !!

i so so so appreciate your words of motivation to give me the /pull through/ vibes, which i shall !! no reason to doubt a girl who's barely 5ft, your honour, i **will** pull through !! ALSO I'M SORRY YOU KEEP HAVING TO HEAR ME RAMBLE ABOUT IT !! (and to anyone reading too, i apologise 😔)

ooh, i'm glad to hear that you got in some social time but i also saw you had an early shift today, how did it end up going !? hopefully not too bad ?! also also, did you put something on the burn !? like aloe vera, erm.. hielo - er, ice !! that's the word. i swear i'm not flexing my language skills, my brain truly talks to me in all 6 of those languages and i'm just like "woahh, calm yo arse down, darling."

how have i been ?? erm. great question !! 🤩🤩 i think all has been.. decent ?? nothing extra brilliant and/or noteworthy but also nothing crappy !! just... life lifing. i do just want to go home though, i refuse to deal w/ this weather. HOW HAVE /YOU/ BEEN !? alles goed, liefje !?

annnyway, nice to chat !! love and miss you bunches, liefje !!

OH !! IK HEEFT EEN VRAAG !! what is your favourite thing to make at your shifts !? in terms of fun-ness of making it AND taste wise. this could be two different things !!

whydoitypesm,ohmygosh,itbecomesanessay. 😭 anyways, again !! take care of yourself + stay alive and hydrated and well fed !! yours truly, you know who. NO, NOT VOLDEMORT. DON'T SAY IT. 🤺🤺

a little joke! a man walks into a fruit market and picks up some raspberries, kiwis, melon, and strawberries but upon seeing a mango, he leaves it all behind and leaves the market. why so !? 🤭🤭

i fear all our conversations are going to start with apologies for the delay ,, yet here i am to do exactly that lovely �� i'm so so sorry cause i know that feeling is the WORST but i'm so glad y'feeling a little better (and i hope you're feeling much better now!!! or else i will fight the universe!!!)

you will pull through i know it !!! i am actually your number one supporter n have every faith in you love !! and no apologies at ALL are necessary here i assure you <333 rambling gets us all through , sincerely possibly the biggest yapper in the whole world

the early shift was an interesting one !! it's the first time i've started on the opening ,, and the first two and a half hours were actual heaven cause we had barely any customers ,, so i could just dick about a bit and make myself some drinks to wake up , but the mid morning rush killed me because there was only me and my co-worker at the time😭😭

the burn is healing !!! she was ran under so much cold water and covered in some sort of cream , so she's doing well thank GOD (though my hands are now littered in teeny tiny scars from burns and such - the price i pay ig😔) and honestly ?? i wouldn't blame you for flexing the language skills because it impresses me every single time my god

i totally get what you mean and i'm glad nothing awfully bad has happened !!! here's me manifesting that the weather brightens up for you (because i do not know how you deal with it , and that's coming from someone in northern england😭)

it's so , so nice to hear from you again my lovely , and i'm sending you all of the love and joy i can grasp from the universe (which is a lot , trust me) look after yourself n show yourself all of the love and kindness you deserve or else !!!! the whatchamacallits will come out trust !!!!!

AND AAHHH I LOVE THIS QUESTION !!! in terms of general yumminess , i'd have to go for the cinnamon latte because my god it makes the entire shop smell heavenly every single time i have to make one (and i consume at least two every shift) but in terms of fun-ness , i'm a flat white girly all the way !!! getting to make little designs is actually the highlight of my day (i managed to make a bear last shift and the woman it was for was overjoyed)

i've sat here and wracked my brain for so long trying to find this punchline and i'm coming up totally empty - i'm stubborn and refuse to google it , too , so !!! why does he leave the market love !!! i look forward to finding out 🤭🤭🤭

[like-the-cut-of-your-jib]

Seems opinions are divided in NZ. How about here on Tumblr?

Here’s Bruce Cotterial’s opinion piece from NZ Herald - March 29, 2024

The comments of Sir Russell Coutts in the aftermath of the cancellation of racing on day one of SailGP in Lyttleton should serve as a warning to our country.

For far too long we have had our otherwise massive potential cut down by minority interest groups. People striving for publicity for the narrow little lens through which they see the world and people intent on protecting their own interests. These people are everywhere in this country.

These people claim to represent the birds, dolphins, trees, marginalised communities and ethnic minorities. They are champions of bureaucracy, compliance, red tape and health and safety. They are against everything that the rest of us, the great majority of us, see as desirable or necessary.

You see, none of the above contribute anything substantive to our economic success on the world stage. That is left to our farmers, tourism industry operators, our entrepreneurs and our sportspeople, the latter group which incidentally includes our yachties.

Sir Russell Coutts’ outburst has been a long time coming. Many of us have been hoping that someone would speak up. Someone with pulling power. An achiever. And now, someone finally has.

In case you missed it, Coutts was lamenting the cancellation of racing on day one of SailGP in Lyttleton. Many Aucklanders will remember lining up on the city’s best vantage point, preparing for America’s Cup racing. And then, the disappointment of a cancellation. In those cases, the weather was to blame. Last weekend, the weather was perfect.

Coutts is passionate about ocean racing. He’s one of the best in the world at it. Through his expertise, passion and undoubted competitiveness, he has done some wonderful things for his home country. He won an Olympic gold medal. He also led his country to win one of the world’s oldest sports trophies, the America’s Cup. Twice. He took that trophy away from us too.

Lyttleton Harbour is a wonderful natural venue for SailGP. You only had to look at the television pictures from the following day to admire the spectacle. However, according to Coutts, the world saw only half of the potential spectacle, because of an overreaction to the presence of one or a few dolphins.

When Coutts left Team New Zealand, a nasty side of the Kiwi psyche was displayed by a few high-profile New Zealanders, including some poorly informed journalists. His crime was that he chose to sail for another team. But we eventually forgave him and he forgave us.

That crime was minor compared to that of the current Team New Zealand hierarchy, who, not content with winning the Cup, have chosen to defend it on foreign soil. Their stated reason? Money! But I digress.

Coutts might be about to take something away from us again. SailGP racing. This time it’s of our doing, not his.

With last Saturday’s racing cancelled and a requested Sunday morning practice session also delayed by the authorities, the usually shy Coutts took his place behind the microphone on Newstalk ZB’s Sunday afternoon sports programme. He was clearly frustrated, emotional, and upset as he spoke.

His quivering voice started with the following: “SailGP operates all over the world, and no doubt there are marine mammals in the water in all of the locations we race. We’ve never had an incident in 35 events. Our people and our athletes care deeply about marine conservation.”

He went on: “In addition to our normal marine mammal protocols, SailGP has had this extreme marine mammal management plan forced upon us in Lyttelton, demanded by the Department of Conservation, Ecan and Ngāti Wheke for this event. Otherwise, SailGP would not be permitted to race. Other harbour users, including commercial users, are not subject to such protocols.”

He continued that SailGP had unrequired services forced on them, services that are not required nor demanded anywhere else in the world. The costs of those unrequired services? Approximately $300,000. And that doesn’t count the “11 so-called expert dolphin observers that are being paid... $600 per day each, plus their expenses in a programme that totals $78,000″.

We might not want to admit it. But the great majority of us will accept that Coutts is right. But it’s not just sailboat racing that’s affected by the issues he has raised.

In the aftermath of Coutts’s comments, someone said that SailGP is a commercial venture that should be subject to greater compliance rigour than that of other activities. But cruise ships are a commercial venture too. Some of them have three propellers, each measuring 6m in diameter. Lyttleton welcomes 70 such ships a year in their harbour alone. By the time they arrive and leave that’s 140 movements of a vehicle big enough to kill multiple dolphins, or anything else for that matter, in one revolutionary cycle of the propeller. How many of those cruise ships get cancelled because of the dolphins? None.

Event managers in this country have been hamstrung for some time. But these issues also impact our property developers, entrepreneurs, our once-thriving film industry, our farmers and our tourism operators too.

It’s not a new problem. But it has been getting worse for a long time.

Some of our politicians have tried to draw attention to it. A few of our highly regarded personalities have also had a crack. But the words of the returning sporting hero, attempting to bring something spectacular to his home country, yet frustrated by inexcusable layers of bureaucracy and red tape, cut deeper than most.

Coutts went on to say how difficult it is to get things done in New Zealand. He’s right. There are people who can’t renovate their houses, houses that they own, for the same reasons that Coutts is complaining about. Our wilful bureaucracy is crushing our ability to get things done and with it, our spirit.

New Zealand is overburdened by minority groups who shout louder than the majority. Those minorities seem to be singularly focused on stopping things from happening. We seem to be better at coming up with reasons why we can’t do things than we are at coming up with reasons why we can.

And so it seems that the minorities, the greenies, the environmentalists, the socialists, the compliance officers, the protesters and the woke university activists are the people who decide what we, the majority, can do. They make the noise and they get the airtime. Even though they are often disproportionately supported by their friends in the broadcast media, their causes would seldom gain support from 10 per cent of the population, if asked.

But they make the noise. They stop things from happening. They call the shots.

Sadly, we have become beholden to these minority groups and to rogue individuals in positions of power. We have democratically elected mayors who can’t do what they want to do or need to do for their cities. In their way are organisations and individuals claiming that they are the victims and seeking to protect the tiny pedestal on which they stand.

Those activists will have seen the cancellation of Saturday’s yacht racing as a victory. You see, it’s not about the dolphins. It was never about the dolphins. It’s about minority interest groups and how much noise they can make. It’s about headlines. It’s about stopping things that the majority of us want.

Those on the opposite sides of these debates seldom stand up to them. The reality is that we’re too busy working at our day jobs, raising our kids, volunteering for the school or the surf club, and perhaps hoping to take the family to a weekend sporting spectacular that otherwise would only be seen on a TV screen.

Our only hope should be that that spectacular event will be allowed to occur.

The irony of last weekend was that Melbourne, that event-laden city just a couple of thousand kilometres to the west of us, hosted some 460,000 people at the Formula One Grand Prix over the very same weekend.

Formula One is dangerous, noisy and smelly. It’s environmentally unfriendly. There are protesters in Melbourne too. But their elected officials understand what value such events bring to their city. And they defend it to the hilt. They make it easy. Event organisers meet with city officials who give them what they need to make things happen.

SailGP gets that too, in most of the cities to which it brings its spectacle. Most cities compete for such attention. They go along with it because it brings millions of dollars and hundreds of millions of television viewers to the host city and country. It’s commerce. It works. We had it handed to us on a plate by one of our most successful sons. But we killed it.

In the meantime, we can’t have Taylor Swift concerts because they make too much noise and there will never be car racing at Pukekohe again. Christchurch took 10 years to agree to replace their stadium and Auckland can’t even make a decision to build one. Traffic management plans prevent us from hosting a major sporting event and Auckland Council can’t give permission for a harbourside grandstand from which to watch a yacht race.

And of course, we might never again entertain the remarkable young men and women and the spectacular flying machines of SailGP.

Perhaps we could host a chess tournament.

Paul Lewis’s Opinion piece from the New Zealand Herald - March 28, 2024

I tried to see the SailGP schemozzle with the Hector’s dolphins from Sir Russell Coutts’ point of view, I really did.

Yes, New Zealand has too much red tape and, yes, SailGP has never been guilty of slicing up a dolphin of any description (that we know of); certainly not a species considered “nationally vulnerable”.

That precise wording means he was technically, semantically right about Hector’s dolphins not being endangered, though he did go a bit OTT saying someone had “lied” about that.

Hector’s dolphins aren’t a single species - their sub-species Māui’s dolphins are critically endangered, estimated to number only 54.

It was Hector’s dolphins guilty of stopping the show at Lyttelton Harbour last weekend - and they are said to number 15,000 by the Department of Conservation.

A whole 15,000, eh? What was anyone worrying about? There’s plenty of the little fellas and we all know how good humans are at ensuring vulnerable species recover and don’t go extinct.

Why, in the last 50 years, only 800 species of mammals, fish, reptiles, birds and amphibians have become extinct, according to the World Wildlife Fund. Plenty left.

And, yes, there is an awkward contradiction in the fact Lyttelton Harbour doesn’t preclude power boats, with their whizzing propellers which could, in theory, produce dolphin sashimi. There are rules, however, they must adhere to. Just as SailGP had to.

I am also certain SailGP has never, as Sir Russell said, had to take such “extremely restrictive” measures on any other course in the world.

That’s because Lyttelton Harbour is a marine mammal sanctuary. How many other sanctuaries has SailGP raced on? I’m betting on zero.

That’s like me starting up a global chainsaw event, inviting chainsaw experts from all over the world to compete in an open field, slicing up logs and what have you.

But, this time, I want to hold one in the grounds of a day care centre in Auckland - because I have never, ever, hurt a pre-school child with a chainsaw in previous events.

And you can’t turn around and savage people after SailGP agreed to marine sanctuary rules which were applied when the very thing they were designed for happened - a dolphin or dolphins on the course.

Sir Russell gave us a grandstand view of a seriously wealthy 62-year-old man expressing his frustration and entitlement at bureaucrats and pesky dolphins compromising the $5.5 million he says he pumps into the local economy. His bitter tirade about the cancelled racing often seemed to reach a pitch only dogs could hear, or maybe he was just echo-locating dolphins.

He harrumphed about taking the event somewhere else - with that veiled threat taking me back to the days after Coutts ditched Team NZ for Alinghi, taking much of the cream of New Zealand sailing with him. There were comments, made a few times after his defection, that it would be better for the America’s Cup if it were sailed somewhere else.

It was, until Emirates Team NZ won it back again.

That’s the weird thing - if it hadn’t been for New Zealand public funding, bureaucracy and sponsorship, Coutts may never have been an America’s Cup sailor in the first place. The New Zealand he now rails against may have changed vastly - but did we really deserve the childish “I’m taking my ball and going home” treatment?

I did get a laugh when, among all the comments, someone pointed out no one was talking about how the orca eat dolphins or mishaps in nets. I checked with DoC - they said there’s no evidence orca eat Hector’s dolphins (sharks do, apparently) and it turns out there are strict rules around nets too.

Even if orca do eat Hector’s dolphins, what the blue blazes has that got to do with anything?

Should we get a signed waiver from the orca to stop eating dolphins? Or are we better off to take, you know, measures which may ensure there are enough dolphins left for nature to take its course?

Peter Burling, the New Zealand SailGP skipper who won the Lyttelton event, earlier established the Live Ocean Foundation with Blair Tuke.

Their website says: “To have a healthy future, we must have a healthy ocean. We need to foster an ocean with clear, clean water, abundant fish populations and thriving marine ecosystems. Where we prioritise the importance of the ocean in a healthy future and invest in knowledge that supports this ambition. Where we understand that by restoring and protecting our ocean, we all benefit.”

In one website story, Burling says: “Right now, only a tiny percentage of the world’s ocean is protected. This is no truer than at home where less than one percent of New Zealand’s ocean space is protected. We might think we’re too small to matter, but New Zealand is guardian to one of the largest ocean spaces on the planet. We’re ocean people and it’s time to get ambitious about ocean action.”

The Lyttelton incident polarised people. Here’s my view: most New Zealanders want the racing and the dolphins. Simple. But through all of this, Sir Russell Coutts didn’t much sound like most New Zealanders - and he didn’t sound like he liked New Zealand very much.