#afterchemo

[heyamandahey]

Under Quarantine

Hairstyles from left to right: Turn That Fake Volume Up, Is This a Recession Crisis, and How a Hat Covers Everything Up

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Sunday, April 26, 2020

My hair continues to grow! I didn't even realize I could tuck some of it behind my ears again, something I haven't done in nearly eleven months, until a friend mentioned it over a virtual happy hour. She recommended the pomade Suavecito to help me start exploring other styling possibilities. It continues to be a little strange to get little hair milestones like these: being able to part it again, being able to tuck it behind the ears, et al.  Leftmost photo: this is my attempt at some sort of coiffure. You can see how happy I am. I don't love it. Despite finding photos of other Asian women with short, chic styles as "hairspiration," I don’t feel confident or glamorous nor does it feel like me, but it's not forever. Even before the pandemic, my short hair did not bother any cute guy I went on a date with, so I will continue to remind myself of that. 

Middle photo: I found what feels like a receding hairline. It seems like the left side is growing a bit more thinly than other areas. Commence profound Googling at 5:30 A.M. one morning until I found text to reassure me this is normal. If it's still like this six months from now, however, it will likely indicate my hair has just gotten thinner permanently. Alas. 

Right photo: When I do not style my hair, it's reminiscent of Mark Zuckerberg, and no one wants that. Perhaps until my hair gets to my jawline (or at least some bangs?), I will continue to wear a hat. Unless the unbearable summer heat arrives. Whichever comes first. Hah. 

MRW I comb all my hair to the front. No number of filters will fix this monstrosity. Upside: when your hair grows back after being completely bald, the ends look naturally feathered, so that’s nice

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Sheltering in Place Living in one of the U.S. epicenters during a pandemic has had its ups and downs. I am thankful that my job has not been affected much; some client projects were put on hold, but my plate continues to be full. I feel extremely fortunate to exercise creativity and logic on a salary when so many cannot. Working from home has made it easier to fit in a quick workout before my morning shower as well. Gotta find those silver linings where we can, right?!  While I have not rigorously baked as so many have on Instagram, I have started growing scallions, drawing again in my sketchbook, been playing DnD with my besties, and taken a renewed interest in Twitch, finding new favorite streamers and delighting in people play Animal Crossing in all corners of the world. Despite these dark times, we can still find new joys. 

Drawings I made for friends earlier this year with Prismacolor pencils my older brother gifted me in 2003. I deliberately made these on graph paper to help avoid “feeling precious”

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[rhondawoody]

Lunch with a view #afterchemo #daughtertime #lunch @hello_world_7777 (at Whitey's Fish Camp) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKmjIO5BLM_Fjt5QHDYEJgrfZ5eyDE0uKdhpww0/?igshid=1fxfmpapcw89d

[gamzecita]

Sor Bana Pişman mıyım?

Zaman zaman eski fotoğrafları karıştırmayı, özellikle de Google Fotoğraflar gibi uygulamalardan 1-2-3-5 sene önceki hallerimi görmeyi çok severim. Bugün yine uygulamanın içinde dolaşırken geçen sene bu zamanlar nasıl bir kabusun içinde olduğumu gördüm. Ne çok şey oldu son 1 yılda, ne zordu her şey ve aslında ne çabuk geçti. (çok şükür)

İnsan, acı ve travma ile mücadele ederken farklı farklı kimlikler edinmek durumunda kalıyor kendi kendine. Bazı insanlar içine kapanıyor ve dünya ile arasına kalın duvarlar örüyor. (Kendimin de böyle bir şey yapacağını düşünmüştüm.) Bazıları da acısını bir zırh gibi üstünde taşıyor, paylaşıyor, paylaştıkça zehir azalıyor, buharlaşıyor. 

Superman tişörtümü giyip, fotoğrafıyla bangır bangır kanser hastası olduğumu ilan etmemin ve bu blogu başlatmamın üzerinden neredeyse 1 yıl geçti. Hiç pişman olmadım üzerime aldığım “savaşçı kadın” rolünden. Çoğu zaman bu rolün hakkını verecek kadar güçlüydüm, ama bazen de sırf bu rolü üstlendim diye kendimi güçlü olmaya, ağlamamaya, sızlanmamaya zorladım. Yaptığım şey ne kadar sağlıklıydı bilmiyorum ama acı ve baskı ile mücadele etmek için bildiğim tek yol buydu. Kendimi çok kötü hissettiğim günlerde bile arkadaşlarım arayınca “Çok iyiyim.” dedim ve inanır mısınız böyle deyince daha iyi hissettim.

Son zamanlarda bu role olan ihtiyacımın azaldığını hissediyorum. Artık savaşmak, mücadele etmek istemiyorum. Hiçbir şey için koşturmak, kapanan kapıları zorlamak da... İyi ve sağlıklı olayım, sevdiklerim iyi ve sağlıklı olsun yeterli. Herkesten “Ya ne güçlü kadınsın, maşallah” iltifatını almak o kadar da çekici gelmiyor artık. Hayatıma bir prenses olarak devam edemeyeceğimi biliyorum, bünyeme ters, ama artık daha dingin ve huzurlu, kimseye hiçbir şey kanıtlamaya çalışmadan var olmak istiyorum.

O yüzden memleketim Kayseri’den Ankara’ya dönerken Superman tişörtümü özenle katlayıp dolabın en alt çekmecesinde bıraktım. Belki üniforma gibi giydiğim o şeyi artık giymezsem çok büyük savaşlar vermek zorunda kalmam diye...

NOT: Bakalım Kayseri'deyken yediğim mantılar bugün çektirdiğim kontrol MR’ında karşıma çıkacak mı? Üniformayı tekrar giymek de var :)

[fukayaqui]

🍁 nice and warm today 🌞 is it really middle of December !?? spending calmly before vet. the time to spend with you is so precious to me 💛 I wish I could stop time forever #dogsoftheday #seniordogsrock #instagramdogs #lifewithdog #lovemybeagle #beagleoftheday #beaglelove #beagle #miniaturepinscher #minpin #pinschergram #inthepark #underthesunshine #afterchemo #refreshing #mansbestfriend #hound #dogsitting #timewithyou #wednesday #733_🐶🐶 https://www.instagram.com/p/B6M_D9snR8y/?igshid=bizh1eh6h3xh

[chalida-dk]

Trying to land

I’ve needed to take a break from thinking about next steps to laugh with friends and marvel in mountainous wonder. More likely my wonder that I even got myself into skis, but that is a discussion for another day. Have I been healed by nature? Not yet.

Only to say that after 4 weeks post chemo, I look the same. More scalp than stubble. What looks seemingly like a lone gray hair on the outside sports a black root. I envision a mottling of color will emerge from my head. The tingling in my fingers and toes still lingers. Cording near my scar tugs at me, giving me shocks of pain as I stretch. The tiredness creeps in at the end of the day leaving me uninspired.

I do not feel glorious. Too much anticipation and anxiety sits inside me. As if waiting in mid air on that gondola as it drops me onto the next run. Not entirely sure of my footing, but hoping I reach the bottom intact.

[sublimehairbyalexisbell]

#Repost @iamalexisbell (@get_repost) ・・・ Come seat and let me change your life! This client inspired me. She's very strong , she has a beautiful heart and was able to overcome cancer. So she decided to treat herself wanted her hair done. She said she called all around town and nobody would do her hair because it was too short. she drove away from San Jose to me that's more than 50 miles ....I said "Short where?" God bless me to be a blessing to others. Now she can feel like herself again! #fukcancer #annointed #annointedhands #lifeaftercancer #cancersucks #cancersurvivor #hairextensions #afterchemo #SublimebyAlexisBell #iamalexisbell @sublimebyalexisbell @iamalexisbell @viacom (at Studio40)

[lasvegashairandmakeup]

Announcement I love this new product and wanted to share it with you girls. I rather have something in my kit that is good for our health and makes us look beautiful. You will be seeing more of this post to come. You can get this kit at https://givemesexyhair.mymonat.com/#monat ・・・ 👐This is my favorite styling combo!! 😍 and over 50% off ends at 11pm EST!! Just $59 for all 4 things!! . . . . . #blonde #hairstylist #chicago #chicagostylist #Monat #Monathaircare #naturallybased #vegan #crueltyfree #nontoxic #healthyhair #shinyhair #bestproducts #Monathelps #afterchemo #alopecia #psoriasis #eczema #growyourhair #mermaidhair #healthyhair #love (at Las Vegas, Nevada)

[gothodgkin]

Your embrace, healing my wounds

Teach me to breathe

Teach me to move

PTSD, anxiety

Genetic disease

Thanatophobia

[9to5not]

The amazing Miesha did it again! Several months ago when I barely had hair, Miesha put finger waves in my hair and I really like that look. Now I have more hair and comfortable with playing with different colors so, I had her to do finger waves on my hair again and it looks so pretty thank you @stylishmoments #myhairisgrowing #fingerwaves #naturalhair #afterchemo #hairafterbeingbald

[blueandtruesister]

Infertility

I think something that's still taboo to talk about is infertility. Both for men and woman. It's personal. It's identifying. And it can leave you feeling broken, not-right, and not good enough to call yourself a man or a woman. It's gut wrenching, stressful, lonely. And you have to experience it in silence because you don't want to be tagged as the person that complains too much. You're told to "just let it happen" and "if you just stopped thinking/stressing/worrying it would happen to you". But that's not how it is. Some have to temp every morning at the same moment, piss on opk sticks for 10 days, catch ovulation, then have sex within the proper window before you get a temperature spike. And even if you do everything right. Everything perfectly. You'll have ~20% chance each month of conceiving. That's presuming you and your partner have absolutely no health issues and are in optimal health. It's a lottery for the perfectly healthy. And for some an uphill, lonely journey full of many road blocks and tearful moments. And if you're one of the lucky one's to conceive, you may want to wait to celebrate. Because statistically 80% of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks. You may find yourself back at square one. Or maybe your egg attaches in your fallopian tube. Surgery to remove your tube, and guess what? it's your dominate tube. Your chances of conceiving have dropped, again. Infertility happens every day to many. And yet it's not something we talk about. Why?

[gamzecita]

Dream On

Mart ayının ortasında eve kapandığımızdan beri, herkes gibi ben de online alışveriş tutkunu oldum. Bir iki hafta önceydi sanırım-artık zaman mefhumu kalmadı, bir kaç gün önce de olabilir- kullandığım online alışveriş uygulaması gazete hediye ediyordu. Manşete şöyle bir baktıktan sonra tabii ki magazin ekine yöneldim. Gördüğüm başlık nedense çok ilgimi çekti, hatta içime dokundu bile denebilir:

“Senelerdir istiyordum.” demiş. Şöyle bir düşündüm senelerdir istediklerimi. İsteyip isteyip olduramadıklarımı, istemeden olup beni çok üzen şeyleri. Hepsi bir bir gözümün önünden geçti. 10 yıldır türlü türlü felaketlerle ara verdiğim dans kariyerim, kaybettiğim ve yerine kimseyi koyamadığım insanlar ve hala savaştığım bir sürü şey. Evden çıkamamak iyice bunaltmıştı ve sanırım iyiden iyiye Çarkıfelek’in yeni yüzünü kıskanıyordum. Neden benim hayallerim bu kadar uzakken Onur Büyüktopcu’nun çark çevirme hayali gerçek olsun ki?

Habere yeterince hayal kırıklığı içinde baktıktan sonra aslında en güzel hayalimin gerçekleştiğini fark ettim. Şubat ayından bu yana her sabah oturup gözümde, kalbimde canlandırdığım bir hayal bu, hatta zaman içinde bir film sahnesine dönüştüğünü gözlemliyorum. Oyuncular değişiyor, bazen annem yanımda, bazen de en yakın arkadaşlarımdan birisi. Başrollerde ben - tabii ki - ve doktorum sayın Melih Bozkurt. Melih hoca’nın muayenehanesindeyiz. Mr görüntülerime bakıyor ve yüzü aydınlanıyor. “Harika!” diyor, “Endişe edilecek hiçbirşey yok.”

Şubat ayında çekilen Mr görüntülerimde minik bir nokta görünüyordu tümörün alındığı alanda. Doktorlarım “Ameliyat kalıntısıdır.” dese de ben tahmin edeceğiniz üzere çok endişeliydim. O zamandan beri her sabah o noktanın küçülüp yok olduğunu, anneme sarıldığımı, hoplayıp zıpladığımı, Melih hocanın Tunalı Hilmi'deki ofisinin önünde deli gibi dans ettiğimi hayal ettim. Ve inanır mısınız, gerçek oldu! 

Nefes aldığım sürece her hayalim hala gerçek olabilir diye düşünüyorum ben, çark her an dönebilir :)

NOT: Kıskançlığımdan gazete haberini neye dönüştürdüğümü görmek için aşağıdaki görsele bakınız.  

[chalida-dk]

Have you recovered now?

Someone asked me this question the other day and I didn’t quite know how to answer. Oftentimes I give people the benefit of the doubt, that they truly mean well, they just get the words lost in translation. And I try to patiently explain that there is a process involved. How does one explain that before cancer life was just as it should be? No other signs except for a suspicious lump? Only once did I snap at someone, as the conversation got worse by the second and now a veil of awkwardness stands.

How do I explain to someone that once one is dealt the cancer card, one never really recovers? One never escapes it somehow, hanging like an old wine stain on a white tablecloth? I’ve been told that in a few years time, cancer takes up less of your life and mind. Of course, there are the yearly follow ups and always the five or ten year survival mark that entitles you to the same lottery as anyone else. But one feels more vulnerable somehow. As if the body still has memory. A cancer magnet.

And infamously, chemo symptoms can be long lasting, some take up to a year to overcome. So to ask me if I have recovered yet, is well, not the right question. But I think I know what you mean.

[gothodgkin]

662 days after

Yes, I'm still alive. I'm one of the priviledged one that can live after death.

I have visited the doctors several times since my last chemo, and she said there's no trace of Hodgkin. However, my body isn't the same, I still feel weak, have headache, backache, sore throat, pain in the mouth, pain in my right knee, an injury in the perineum and so on. Ah, forgot to mention weird patterns in my tongue.

I don't want to thin further as it steal my little energy that is on my body.

[caleroberthall]

Wednesday - Day 2 - been resting and convalescing today - swelling there but not as bad - ❤️ - I love all of you ❤️ #loveeveryone #loveeverything #iloveyou #lovecomesfromwithin #abundancecomesfromwithin #letgoletgod #afterchemo #careforyourself #Acceptance #miracles #chipmunk (at Atlanta, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIBidX4jhCD/?igshid=piuyro2cdibu

[caleroberthall]

Tuesday - swollen from the oral surgery so no video today - oh and had to shave 😳 😇 The girls #mollyontheyown and #sallyonthetown are still sleeping - I love all of you ❤️ #loveeveryone #loveeverything #iloveyou #lovecomesfromwithin #abundancecomesfromwithin #letgoletgod #afterchemo #careforyourself #Acceptance #miracles #chipmunk (at Atlanta, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CH-LTxOj-Lc/?igshid=1osqmhg29dlc7

[caleroberthall]

Wonderful Wednesday! - I love all of you ❤️ #loveeveryone #loveeverything #iloveyou #lovecomesfromwithin #abundancecomesfromwithin #letgoletgod #afterchemo #careforyourself #Acceptance #miracles #masks (at Atlanta, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CG689tsDFm5/?igshid=ln8daa6h23cb