#after all this i have found myself to be extremely normal and well adjusted and isnt it this just like? every single.person ever?

[brainjuicey]

sometimes I say something about the intricacies of the world for paragraphs and paragraphs, sometimes out loud for an hour straight, and at the end I realise I might just be searching for myself in it all. maybe we don't need the death of hyper-post-modern conservatism in favour of the death of patriarchy under gender bending extremes supported by mainstream erotica and whimsy, radical social reform with prison abolition and idyllic anarchism. like maybe I just need to get fucked by a really attractive man or woman who makes me feel like sexy big bad wolf with a heart of gold.

[nurgletwh]

*pokes head up*

*sees the world still exists*

Huh. Look at that.

On a more serious note, having essentially dropped off the face of the earth from the perspective of almost everyone who's following me here or my works on AO3, I am alive. This was not in any great danger of changing any more than the normal (one can always get hit by a bus, for example), but it turns out I haven't been well.

My first clues probably should have been long before I found myself sleeping eighteen hours a day for 'no damn good reason,' but since there were also some extremely difficult and terrifying weeks at work and the stress that goes with it, it crept up on me.

Unlike previous times I've disappeared, it wasn't related to my mental health this time. Not that it's any better, really, because it turns out that my diabetes was creeping out of control. I wasn't monitoring the way I should have been, and I missed a doctor's appointment without rescheduling (which is terrible when you have ADHD, because fucking remembering to call someone to reschedule is damn near impossible).

Anyhow.

It turns out that chronic high blood sugar makes a person feel all sorts of crappy in vague and indistinct ways that, in and of themselves, don't really trigger a sense of 'something is wrong, I should see a doctor.' It just leaves me feeling 'bleah' and 'ugh' and unable to do anything but sleep when I stop moving.

I am so far behind on anything and everything fun. I owe everyone who has a pending comment on my works a deep and heartfelt apology. I didn't mean to disappear. I know several of you have been worried, and it turns out at least semi-rightfully so. Not that there was much any of you could do about it, which really just makes it feel worse. I apologize for any stress and worry this may have caused. I can't promise to never do it again, unfortunately, because I am:

a) human b) a human with ADHD, and c) a human who is horrible at keeping up with communication the way she should.

I want to do better; I will try to do better. I have actually managed to continue writing, albeit at an exceptionally reduced rate. That's picked up markedly in the last week or so now that my meds have been adjusted. Hopefully, it continues to pick up. However, I don't think things are quite where they need to be based on my personal blood sugar testing, but it's a strong improvement. I still don't have much energy, but when I get home after work and sit down, I only sleep for forty-five minutes to an hour, not four followed by crawling into bed for the night and still not feeling rested in the morning.

I hope to start working my way through my inbox on AO3. If you're following me here and see this before I get to your comment, hi! ♥ Know that I have read them all and they give me sparks of joy to think about, but I have been very emphatically squashing any guilt at my non-response for now. Feeling guilty is a potent anti-motivator for someone with ADHD. It makes a growing mountain that I can run away from like an Olympic sprinter, which means that the only way I will successfully get back on track is to not feel guilty or compelled, which is the opposite of how it works for many folk.

I also seem to have gotten into some fucked-up screwy mindset where my brain is telling me I have to have something ready to post (or nearly so) before I can answer comments now. Which is just... wrong. So very, very wrong. I'm working on that, too. Blood sugar fixing first, however.

Take care, everyone. I've definitely been thinking about all of you and have seriously missed having the conversations and speculations that go with successfully generating writing but also require successfully responding to comments. It's been a seriously sucky couple of months; here's hoping things improve.

♥

[agitowarrioroftheforest]

So this answer is more about body horror and queer libration, and I have no idea how this will land because this movie doesn’t explicitly say the character is trans (I think he is lol), but here me out:

There is this really interesting way of approaching body horror in the anime film Origin: Spirits of the Past (EN title) AKA Giniro no Kami no Agito (JP title) that came out in 2006.

I really like how in this film, the specific body horror of plants growing from skin is not seen as horrifying to the main character Agito or the town he grew up in.

There is a character displaced from a 100s of years past(this movie is post apocalyptic) who is extremely uncomfortable with it, but Agito, when he comes back from the woods changed- literally making a fae deal in exchange for the power to protect his people and said woods- he sees it as a new part of himself and accepts it. Is at peace with it. Actually states he wants it in the first scene he speaks in - fully knowing it he will need to adjust to new changes happening to his body.

I should mention that the process of decay is not seen as a horrible thing in the movie’s world, nor is letting the this fae forest alter you and become part of you. It changes Agito and the others with this power’s bodies but unlike many cases of body horror in other films, it doesn’t destroy them for it. It just transforms them.

Additionally, the things that make Agito strange and monstrous and horrific to the military state (that is set up in the desert next to his town and wishes to destroy the forest) are what the film frames as the things that make him strong, his powers, the changes to his appearance, his love for his people etc.

Also the fact that there’s an older woman with this same power that helps Agito get used to the new changes because she experienced them as well, is particularly powerful. They are something the film frames as an inseparable part of himself and something he deliberately wanted for himself even with the cost. (Those with this power eventually fully become trees when they have overused it, this movie doesn’t shy away from that full body transformation either)

I should add that Agito is also told at one point by that character from the past who thinks she is saving him, that “We can return your body to normal” and he fully rejects that, saying that no one forced him to be this way.

The body horror in this film is only seen as horror to those who refuse to understand it and seek to control or destroy it. And continue to see those with it as monsters. But in the story itself and especially the way this is animated, plants growing from skin looks beautiful. Lovingly animated.

It probably wasn’t intentional but that idea, that what makes Agito’s body other and strange are not things he or anyone should be ashamed of, sounds like one of the pillars behind queer liberation as a concept. That queer people shouldn’t need to conform or assimilate to a society that hates them, they should be free to be their whole selves. Obviously it’s not a perfect allegory but it’s definitely something i’ve found a lot of comfort in as a trans guy (points at the name i chose for myself ahaha….).

Idk if this is even close to what you were looking for with the original question. I don’t think i’d call the movie itself horror but given it’s spooky month, I keep thinking about this use of body horror specifically. If you read through all this, thank you for listening to my unhinged ramble.

Oh. Yeah I should also mention Agito goes from looking like this to looking like this after his transformation. So there is also. that.

it's october. what are some thoughts y'all have on trans horror (both in media & how trans people are seen with horror in culture)

[anoldstoryteller]

43 BBY The Landor Aftermath

When I woke up I found myself in my bed aboard the Scabbard. I looked around the room expecting to see someone, anyone, but I was alone. As I stood up I quickly fell back on the bed. I took a moment to examine my body. No visible bruises or injuries, not surprising since I had Iso treat me on the fly. My vision seemed back to normal or at least things didn't seem to be in slow motion. My hearing seemed to have returned as well. I tried getting up again and this time succeeded. I looked around my room until I found my armor and gear. According to my holocronometer, I had been out of commission for three days. I just finished attaching the last piece of armor when my door flew open, it was Tali. She leaped into my arms and was trying to hold back tears, "Oh Kal! I was so worried about you. Are you alright? How do you feel? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Just tell me what you need and I will be sure to get it for you!" I held her back and told her to breathe. She took a few breaths before resuming, "Kal….I was so worried about you. You wouldn't wake up….I thought…I thought ...." The tears she was holding back came rushing forth as she clasped on her knees. I tried to soothe her but nothing I said worked. After a while she started to gain some composure, "I'm sorry Kal. I was just so worried. When Alephi called and told me what happened with the pirates and how you passed out, I dropped everything and made my way to you." I gave her a hug and asked her to explain to me what has happened since I was unconscious. She wiped the tears from her eyes, "When I arrived on the Scabbard I found Mivota and Alephi arguing with Iso. From what I had gathered Iso gave you an extremely deadly amount of stims during your engagement, but Iso stood on that she knew what she was doing and that your current state was just a side effect. She also insisted that if she hadn't done what she did both you and Alephi would have perished. Mivota seemed convinced that the stims wasn't necessary as you would've had the resolve to stand as long as Iso continued to treat you with bacta. Ultimately it was just one continuous circle of blaming Iso. I told them to knock it off and to take me to you. When I saw you laying in your bed, barely breathing I-" she started to get choked up and tears started to form again, "I told them to leave you alone and that I would look after you alone. They argued but I convinced Scabbard to lock them out. I sat outside your door waiting to hear movement since then." I helped her up and wiped the fresh tears away. "I'm so sorry to have worried you guys. Let's go tell them that I'm alright." Tali scoffed as she pointed towards the door, "They are all awaiting just outside." I smiled and patted her on her head causing her to smile. I opened the door and sure enough everyone was right outside save for Scabbard causing them to fall in the doorway. Alephi looked up and started to cry. Helen stood up and dusted herself off, Bori and Eli just looked at each other sheepishly, Mivota after seeing me standing before her bowed and started to cry, Iso however backed away and had her head down. I looked over them once more before stopping on Helen, "Helen, how are the pirates doing?" Helen snapped to, "They have adjusted to our leadership quite easily. I have a detailed report on their assets and personnel when you are ready to review. I also made certain to keep your condition under wraps." I thanked her and looked to Alephi and Mivota and assured them I was okay. They both smiled and expressed their joy. I instructed Eli and Bori to take the Scarab and to deliver Iuliu's shipment to her in my stead. They got up and left.

[phantomrose96]

For Pennies

Warm-up mini fic. Consider this a doodle.

....

The Fentons were selling their house for pennies.

The “For Sale” sign out front was easily missed against the ostentatious display of the op center, and the “FENTON” sign, and the Fenton RV. Or perhaps, all that made it more noticeable. It bolstered the weird and unsettling mundanity of a standard-issue For Sale sign dictating the fate of a house so indescribably odd.

It took only a few curious gossips to find the listing, and to spread the news further when the listing asked for hardly a fifth of standard asking price. Real estate agents weighed in on town facebook pages that, yes, this was abysmally low. Others rationalized it. “It’s only natural. Those house modifications have killed the resale value. The basement is uninhabitable according to the listing. They’re selling an extreme fixer-upper.”

And when the house did not sell in the first week, the price dipped again. And when rumors spread that the house owners were responsible for the town’s ghost blight, the price dipped once again. Then nearly overnight, the op-center vanished, and the FENTON sign disappeared from sight. The Fentons were, if nothing else, impressive engineers, capable of undoing a lifetime’s work in a weekend. Soon after, the listing sold.

The buyer, Peter, was looking for fixer-uppers to flip and rent. He knew about the Amity Park rumors, but if the renting market proved stale for the fear of ghosts, he knew the airbnb market would thrive with curious tourists, so the property was a safe bet regardless.

He met the family once, in the house, when he came to inspect it and sign paperwork if he was satisfied. The husband was perhaps the biggest man Peter had ever seen, portly yet rock solid, clad head to toe in neon orange. The wife matched him in jumpsuits, a powder blue one. Their daughter seemed normal, though she and Peter only exchanged a handful of words.

“Where are you folks headed once this place is sold?” Peter asked, cordially, eyes flitting between the contract before him and the couple seated across the table.

“Westward, a bit. Um, Maddie’s got a sister out there. We’re trying to be closer to family.”

Peter nodded. “Always good to have family around.” He glanced in the daughter’s direction. “Are you excited to be moving closer to your aunt?”

The daughter met his gaze, level. “I’m not going with them, actually.”

“Oh?” Peter asked. “Headed to college? That would make sense.”

“I’m a rising senior,” the girl answered.

“Jazz is—” the mother, Maddie, cut in. “It’s well, it’s about to be her senior year of high school. Hard time to switch schools, you know? She’s going to be renting a place nearby so she can finish school here.”

“Oh? First time living all on your own?” Peter asked, initialing a page of the contract.

“I’m 17. It’s not that weird.”

“Never said it was. I remember my first place pretty fondly. It’s an exciting milestone, don’t waste it!”

Peter initialed another page. He spun the document back to the Fentons to sign as well.

“Well, I really like the place, is what I’ve got to say. The newly redone flooring on this floor was a perk I wasn’t expecting, can’t have been cheap. You still managed to keep the price amazing though. Don’t worry about the dings and scratches – I’ve got the art of fixing up places down to a science. I’ll take a crack at the basement too.”

“We’d rather you didn’t,” Maddie answered.

Peter waved her off. “I know it was some kind of lab, yeah? You won’t be liable if I say, spill acid on myself or dunk myself in radiation or, whatever you had going on down there. We can go over that clause of the contract again if you want. Ghosts, right?”

“It’s dangerous—”

“If I can’t hack it, I’ll seal up the basement for good. But I won’t know until I try. Seriously, don’t worry.”

The Fentons signed the final page, and flipped the contract back around to Peter. He pulled an envelope from his coat – a check made out with the full amount. No loan needed. No mortgage. Their asking price was practically pocket change.

The daughter excused herself from the room.

…

The Fenton basement had fewer wonders than Peter was expecting.

He swung a flashlight around, as the bulb hanging overhead had been cut from the main power supply. Most everything had been cleared out, leaving a room hollowed out. His feet clicked across the metal floor. Walls of bolted steel rose high on all four sides. On the opposite wall, the scars of heavy bolting remained, along with the smoky stain of something huge, and geometric, no longer bolted to the wall.

He swung his beam wide, across every which wall beveling with bloated shadows, until he pinned the electrical panel.

“There you are.”

It took some tampering, and some patience, because something had physically demolished the box before him. Peter knew his way around basic house wiring, so it took only a few experimental adjustments until he threw the breaker, and the industrial light overhead clunked to life.

Peter turned, surveying the mouse cage of pure, uninterrupted steel sheeting, bolted together wall to wall, across the floor, across the ceiling. It was an impressive expanse of space, and under the proper flood lighting Peter could make out the deeper shadowy stains of where industrial cabinets used to be affixed to the floors, the walls. He was staring into the burnt out afterimage of what, he could only conjecture, had once been an impressive scientific facility.

It wasn’t above being carpeted and turned into a rec room.

Peter paused, his eyes training to the back corner near the octagonal imprint left in the wall. Something seemed amiss, something with color, popping bright against a display of pure ash and silver.

Peter stepped forward, flashlight still pointed though it served little use now. The space took shape – a rectangular impression on the floor, about as large as a twin bed, formed a negative image. The rectangle was spotlessly clean, silver and shiny, as though recently cleaned and polished and recleaned and repolished.

It was the edges of the rectangle, the spatters of space stretching beyond it, that held Peter’s attention.

Green, verging toward a rusty brown, splattered the floor. He stepped closer, and knelt, and stared at the pattern. Like a dropped vial of green chemicals that shattered and spattered the floors, the neighboring wall. Like radioactive spill left to eat into the floor. Peter thought back to his radioactive quip, and wondered if he should perhaps back away.

He set a nail to one of the stains and scratched at it. It would not lift. It would not budge. He swung the flashlight beam, and he found the stains glittered, and then dulled where they edged closer to rust.

And it was the rust that confused Peter the most. That copper color, like pennies, that morphed away from the green. It wasn’t uniform. It did not eat away symmetrically at the edges of the stains. Instead it spattered, and dragged, and molded from droplets to long streaks dragging across the floor like chalk dust on a blackboard.

Peter followed them. The streaking ended. Beyond that, he caught a single droplet speckled into the floor a foot away. Another, when he swung his beam. And another. He followed them, one by one, tracing them back to the basement stairs, up, up, up, up.

At the top of the stairs, the trail vanished. The brand new hardwood flooring that stretched through the whole first floor was immaculate.

[benkyoutobentou]

One small step for language learning...

A few days ago, I finally completed a huge goal of mine- finish a novel in Japanese! I had meant to finish it months ago, but life got in the way. Then, my brain got in the way.

I started 美少年探偵団 with a book club and kept on track pretty well, but fell off when finals started up. After finals, and subsequently school, ended, I hardly touched the book all summer, even though I was about 3/4 of the way finished. I was a little bit scared of it, reading in a foreign language is hard and even while reading it, I could tell that it was out of my comfort zone compared to my normal manga. But finally, I set a goal to finish this book by the end of August. And I did! I started taking it with me to school so that I could read in between classes, before class started, after class, the list goes on. It was difficult, but I feel so accomplished.

I joke that a book for middle schoolers kicked my ass, but it’s also important to remember that reading anything at all in a second, third, etc. language is extremely impressive! Sometimes I need to remind myself that even Japanese ten year olds have been learning Japanese for eight years longer than I have. Take the time to look back at far you’ve come instead of only looking at how much you have left to learn.

Even though it was difficult and I didn’t quite understand everything, not only am I glad that I read it for the sake of completing a goal, I also really enjoyed it! It may take me some time and lots of studying, but I feel like I’ll one day return to the 美少年探偵団 series.

And so, here are some tips for people also just starting to read harder content in their target languages:

Put yourself in a situation where you have to read. I found that I read a lot while at work because it was a quiet activity that I could do without many necessary materials.

Take it with you. In line at the store? Read. Waiting for class to start? Read. Waiting for your coffee to be served at the coffee shop? Read.

Make big goals. Try setting a goal for when you want to finish it by, but try to make it realistic. This differs for everyone, so don’t compare yourself to other learners (it took me five months to finish this one book!).

Make small goals. If you have a big goal in mind, break it up into smaller goals. If you want to finish a book in a month, see how many pages you would have to read per day and set that as a daily goal, or adjust if you realize you bit off more than you could chew.

Read with friends. I started this first book of mine with an online book club. Not only could the other readers fill me in on what I didn’t understand, but discussing each set of chapters was lots of fun and the built in weekly chapters of the club kept my reading on track.

Challenge yourself. There are friendly online challenges like Tadoku where you compete against other language learners to read as much in your target language as possible. Tadoku specifically doesn’t only count novels, but also counts things such as manga, internet pages, and even video games as reading and has a myriad of language options to choose form, but you compete against everyone from all languages.

Remember that you can reread. If you find yourself putting off books because you don’t think you’ll be able to understand everything, just remember that you can go back and reread things. There’s also a certain kind of joy in reading things easily that were once difficult for you.

Have fun! I always say that the easiest immersion material is the material you enjoy the most. If you’re bored with the book you’re reading, you’re not going to want to continue reading it.

Happy reading! And remember that no time spent in your target language is wasted time, no matter how easy or difficult the material.

[s1rcus]

The Future Generations [2/?]

Rating: Mature

Words:   1558

Fandoms: Overwatch

Relationships: Moira O'Deorain/Angela "Mercy" Ziegler  

Characters: Moira O'Deorain, Angela "Mercy" Ziegler  

Additional tags: Trans Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Kid Fic, Eventual Sex, Fake Science, POV Moira O'Deorain

Summary: Angela comes to Moira with an interesting proposal one late evening which makes the two start working closely together in secret. 

Story below the cut or in AO3 here 

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Angela had to raise her estrogen dosage with the planned pregnancy and, especially now almost one and half years later since it all started, it had started to show. She looked much softer and Moira was starting to have a harder and harder time trying to push down her growing attraction towards the younger woman. She'd always found the other woman beautiful and she would've done something about it long time ago, if they weren't colleagues.

Overwatch frowned upon relationships between agents but it wasn't prohibited. It's not like they could prohibit something half of the command was breaking. (Though Morrison and Reyes being married before Overwatch would make their relationship an exception.) Still she found it better to not poke a sleeping bear.

Even if she did find flirting with Angela extremely rewarding. The first time had been a completely habitual accident but Angela freezing, blushing and stuttering her answer had made Moira want more. Angela had come bolder as time flew by and the first time she flirted back caught Moira totally off guard. She hadn't had such a strong physical reaction to a pretty girl flirting with her since university.

And that's how flirting became part of their normal lab routine with the bickering and fighting. Moira knew they were treading dangerous waters and she was going deeper every second.

----------

Moira was working in her lab when Angela showed up unannounced. It was fairly early in the day which was rare and made Moira alarmed (Angela usually came to her after work hours) but Angela's next word's made her actually look away from her work.

"Athena, make sure we're not disturbed and close down any monitoring in this lab," she talked to the AI as she locked the door behind herself.

"As you wish Doctor Ziegler," came the AI's robotic response.

"Now, if you want to be alone with me you only have to ask. No need for such dramatics," Moira joked, trying to bring down her anxiety.

"Do me an ultrasound," Angela demanded without any reaction to Moira's comment.

"Now?"

"It's been 3 weeks now and I'm so anxious to find out that I can't work. I snapped at a lab technician today and she definitely didn't deserve it. If you won't do it, I'll do it myself."

"Alright. Just hop on the table I'll be a minute," Moira answered. She quickly got her work to a point where she could leave it be and walked to Angela.

"I know we perfected everything with the trials but even then it took a couple times occasionally. We did everything like we planned but with human DNA it's possible we'll need to make some adjustments. We'll just try again. I know it'll work eventually."

"Thank you, but I'll probably need a while if it didn't work. I've been waiting for this moment for so long."

"I understand," Moira said. She placed a hand on Angela's shoulder, hoping she'll take it as a comforting gesture. "Well shall we?"

Angela's "yes" sounded quite desperate to Moira's ears but she understood. She was surprisingly anxious to find out the outcome herself as well. Angela's hands trembled a little as she pulled the hem of her shirt up. Moira wanted to rest a reassuring hand on her shoulder again or worse yet hold her hand, but it wasn't her place to do so.

"Well, let's see then," Moira said and turned the ultrasound on and started to move the wand around Angela's abdomen. Finding the right spot took her a little longer than she'd like to admit. But she wasn't a medical doctor and the last time she'd done something similar to this was when Angela was still in secondary school.

"There! Unbelievable, it really did work," Moira chuckled. She froze the screen and turned it so Angela could see it properly. Angela who was currently sobbing next to her. Moira didn't know what to do. She was surprisingly emotional herself but she had no clue how to comfort Angela. Angela had laid her hand on her stomach and was drawing patterns on it with her fingers.

"It worked? I'm really pregnant?"

"That's all the evidence you need right there," she said pointing at the screen.

"I'm gonna be a mom," Angela whispered quietly and even more quietly added, "You hear that mama? I did it."

Moira had never heard Angela talk about her parents before and she was sure that was something she wasn't even supposed to hear. Angela talked about the Lindholms occasionally like anyone would talk about their family. And that's what they were for her, her family, but everyone knew that Torbjörn and Ingrid weren't her biological parents. They were stripped away from her too early because of the omnic crisis. Moira had just started studies in Dublin when the news of Zurich had come. At the time Moira didn't think much of it, it was war and it was terrible, but her family was safe in Ireland. She didn't lose anyone during the crisis and she can't but wonder how Angela became who she is despite losing everything.

Moira had barely survived through losing her brother and she had been preparing for it for nearly 20 years when it happened. Neil had been terminally ill and everything Moira tried didn't save him. But in the end he got more time, time to spend with his family and watch his kids grow up as much as he could. But still in her darkest hours Moira thought if there was something that she could've done to save him. But she had tried her best and almost destroyed her career while doing so. Neil would never believe her if she'd tell him she was about to have a kid. Especially a biological one with someone as beautiful as Angela. She'll have to travel back to Ireland so she can tell it all to him.

Moira quickly swiped the couple stray tears from underneath her eye before busying herself to find a box of tissues for Angela that she knew she had somewhere around her lab. She wouldn't cry, she'd done her fair share of it already. Once she found the box, she brought it back to Angela. She cleared her throat before speaking, not trusting her voice immediately.

"Here." She offered the box to Angela who accepted it with a smile. "I'll print that picture out for you. I'll be back shortly."

She retreated to her office and took a couple of deep breaths to calm her emotions now that she was alone. She moved to the printer, turning it on and accepting the print from the ultrasound machine. She turned towards her table as she waited for the print to be ready. On her table sat in plain frame an old family picture of two parents and 3 children. Her family; her parents, older brothers and herself. Moira herself was close to 14 years in it. It had been taken not too many years before Neil's diagnosis.

The printer finished printing and Moira picked up the photo. Angela's child. Her and Angela's child. The child was barely a speck in the photo but there they were nevertheless. She'd be a mom in one sense or another in less than nine months. To Angela's child. She still barely could believe it. Hesitantly she pressed the reprint button.

The door clicking shut startled her and she quickly whirled around. It was just Angela.

"Sorry. You were taking longer than I thought you would so I came to see if you're alright."

"I'm doing just fine. Here, I printed the photo," she said and offered the photo. Angela accepted it and started to examine slowly around the room. It only accorded to Moira now that Angela had never been inside here before. The door was basically always locked or at least closed and Moira was usually around the lab when Angela had come down for a visit.

"Is this your family?" Angela asked, pointing to the picture.

"Yeah. It was taken after Shaun's, the eldest, university graduation. Ma and da were so proud of him. Neil had just been accepted to a program as well. I felt a little sidelined but I kept pulling top grades in school since first class,so I guess it was only fair."

"I take it you're close. Haven't really heard you mention them at all before."

"We were. We still are, but my parents can't really accept my "lifestyle" as they put it," Moira says with air quotes and sarcastic tone, "They try and that's all I can ask for. It's just been quite clear that some parts of my life are better to be kept unsaid. Things were better before. Neil would step up for me. He always had my back. We still see each other on Christmas. Ma's been quite clear that I need to come home then. And it's always nice to see Shaun and his family as well."

"You said "had". What happened?"

"He got sick. I went to school for him and I couldn't save him." Moira hated how her voice cracked as she finally said that aloud to someone.

Angela hugged her as those words left her mouth. Moira awkwardly moved her arms to accept the hug. She couldn't help but to wonder how well they fit together.

[ray-ray-writings]

Stream Stresses-SBI Au

This is a Brother!Technoblade, Brother!Wilbur, Brother!Tommyinnit, and Father!Philza x gn!reader in the SBI inc Au. I hope that this is written how the anon that requested it wants it, but I’m not sure. So basically, the SBI is a real family dynamic, the thing is that all of Philza’s children, Y/N, Tommy, Techno, and Wilbur are all well known streamers and everybody’s fans know this and love the family dynamic that you four have, because you’re literally family. So yeah. Here you go, I hope you enjoy. 

Check out my masterlist here!

When Y/N makes fun of their brother, chat jumps to his defense by saying some not so nice things about Y/N. The mean things cause Y/N to shut down their stream with tears in their eyes, worrying their father, Philza.

Y/N’s POV

“Hello chat!” I exclaimed, adjusting my headphones as people slowly began to flood the chat, “How are we today?” A variety of responses flew through my chat before my question was returned to me. “How am I today? I’m doing good! Thank you for asking!” My eyes scanned my notification and I couldn’t help but smile at the subs and donos rolling through. I quickly thank everyone by name before clapping, “Okay chat, today we are going to be playing Minecraft. But we’re not going to play on the SBI server, no we’re going to attempt speedrunning!” I explained. I eagerly watched my chat explode in support, a lot of ‘POGS’ flying by my eyes. “Well let’s get started, shall we?” 

I quickly opened my Minecraft and adjusted my stream so that my viewers could see what I was doing. “What should we name the first world? Yes we’re naming them, what monster does not name their speedrun worlds?” Random names flew through the chat, until one caught my eyes. “Tommy! We’ll name this one Tommy so when it let’s me down it won’t be anything new!” I cheered, typing the name into the world box, giggling to myself. For the most part the chat found it funny, but I did see some people say some mean stuff for making fun of my brother. 

I quickly cleared my throat and shook it off, “Here we go chat!” I exclaimed before loading in the world. I spawn in an acacia biome next to a desert, “So far Tommy’s treating us pretty good huh?” I joked, rushing over to a tree and punching it. I gained a bunch of wood and then began running through the desert in search of a village. I found one rather quickly and began my raid. I got everything from the chests and then found the iron golem and hit it to get it to chase me so I could build up and kill it… Only problem is I wasn’t quick enough.

I let out screech as the iron golem flung me up in the air, dealing a crazy amount of damage to the point where when I landed, I died. I gave a quick huff and pout as I exited out of the world. “Okay… What did I say, should have been expected to be let down by Tommy!” I exclaimed, my eyes scanning the chat. A few people laughed, but a lot of them were calling me horrible. They were saying that I shouldn’t blame my inability to play the game on my brother. It caused a pain to strike in my heart, because that’s not what I was doing at all. Really mean names began flying through my chat causing me to clear my throat and look away. “Um… Let’s try again,” I mumbled, creating a new world. 

“We’re just going to keep going down the list” I announced, trying to bring my energy back up as I typed the name “Wilbur” into the world box before hitting ‘create world’ and loading in. I let my eyes dance back to chat that seemed to go back to normal, but there were still some really mean people in chat. This time I spawned in a plains biome next to a village. I got pretty far this time. I made it all the way to the nether, even found a fortress, but my excitement about it died pretty quickly… because I did too. 

“NOOO!” I shouted at the ‘You Died’ screen. “I didn’t even see that blaze there! Damn it Wilbur!” I exclaimed, exciting out of the world once more. My eyes looked over to chat again, praying that the haters had gotten bored and left… My prayers were not answered. Instead, there were probably the most amount of haters I’d ever seen in my chat before. Every message was filled with hate. Telling me that I wasn’t good enough, that I should just quit, that my brothers were so much better than I was and there was no reason for me to even continue. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes and began streaming down my cheeks. 

“Ummm… Thanks for coming. I’m going to end stream now,” I sniffed, closing Minecraft and going to my streaming settings. “Bye,” I whimpered out before ending the stream. I sat there frozen for a minute before breaking down into sob. Why do they hate me?

*POV Switch*

Philza’s POV

A grin crossed my face as my phone lit up with a twitch notification. I quickly shifted my attention to my phone screen to figure out which child it was that was going live. It was Y/N! I quickly set up my phone in such a way that I could ‘watch’ their stream while I made dinner for everyone. “Hello chat!” I heard them exclaim, “How are we today!” 

It really warmed my heart to watch my children stream. All four of them had worked extremely hard to get where they are today. I did everything I could to understand the Twitch community so I could support my children as they achieved their dreams. Sure it was hard at times, me trying to keep up with everything in all their streams but also when they’re all streaming at the same time and just screaming at each other, but we make it work. 

My focus turned to the food that I was making. Footsteps entered the kitchen pulling my attention away from the stream, “Hey Dadza,” Techno’s monotone voice greeted me from behind. “Hello Techno,” I greeted back, throwing him a smile over my shoulder. “Is Y/N streaming?” Techno asked, walking to the refrigerator, pulling it open and grabbing a water bottle. I nodded my head at the question. “Yeah, they’re speed running,” I responded, turning my head back to the veggies I was cutting for dinner. Techno let out a hum before turning his attention to my phone. 

As I cooked, I could hear Techno let out small laughs at what they’re sibling was saying on their stream. Twentyish minutes had gone by before Techno spoke actual words, “What the fuck,” He muttered, getting closer to my phone. “Language… What’s going on?” I asked, still focused on making dinner. “Y/N is crying,” He explained. My head snapped to my phone and sure enough, tears were streaming down their face. “Bye” they croaked out before the stream just ended. Not wasting any more time, I grabbed my phone and I ran out of the kitchen and toward Y/N’s room. 

As I grew closer, I could hear sobs coming from their room causing my heart to sink in my chest. I gave a quick knock on the door before barreling in. Y/N was still sitting in their gaming chair, hunched over into themselves, their hands muffiling the sobs falling from their lips. “Oh honey,” I whispered, closing the door behind me. Y/N’s head shot up and their red rimmed eyes met mine. Another loud sob broke from their mouth causing my heart to hurt even more. I took a few quick steps forward to get to them and offer them comfort. Y/N rose from their gaming chair and fell into my open arms. I quickly wrapped my arms around them in a tight hug. “I’ve got you honey,” I murmured, “I’ve got you.”

At some point, I slowly made my way to their bed and sat down, leaning against the headboard, pulling them to sit across my lap, burying their face in my chest like all those years ago when they were a lot younger. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the afternoons that they and their brothers would go outside to play and ride bikes and they would come back in with scraped and bloodied knees and palms. I would pull them into my lap, dry their tears, and help them calm down. It’s a bittersweet memory. It feels nice to think back, but under these circumstances? Not so much. 

Slowly but surely, Y/N’s sobs died down into simple sniffles before stopping all together. “You okay?” I questioned softly, leaning back ever so slightly so I could meet my child’s eyes. Their puffy ears peered up as they slowly nodded, “Yeah. I’ll be okay,” they muttered out resting their head back on my shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked carefully, not wanting to upset them again. A soft sigh left Y/N’s mouth, “I suppose I should. It’s best not to bottle it up,” they thought aloud causing me to smile just a little bit. A small bit of pride welled up inside me of how grown up they sounded. 

The smile quickly faded from my lips as my child explained what had happened on their stream. How chat had turned on them and the mean things that they said. I could feel my blood begin to boil. I was extremely pissed at not only chat, but at the mods for not stopping it. But I had to remain calm on the outside, for Y/N’s sake. 

“I’m so sorry that happened honey. You don’t deserve that. Nothing they said is true okay? You work so hard and it shows because you’re so good at what you do. Your brothers are good at what they do too. You guys are on equal playing feels and are all exceptional streamers. You deserve all good things honey. And I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to mod. You’re never streaming without me modding again. Do you understand me?” I rambled, staring at my child curled in my lap. A small giggle sounded in the air causing me to relax ever so slightly. “Yeah. I understand you dad… Thank you.” 

Before I could respond, there was a small knock on the door. “Come in,” Y/N called, staring curiously at the door. It swung open and there stood my three other children peering nervously into the room. After standing in the doorway in an awkward silence for a moment, Tommy lets out a loud scoff before pushing his way into the room and crawls up on the best next to us. Tommy then surprises me by wrapping his arms around his sibling and gives them a tight squeeze, “You’re a good streamer Y/N,” I heard him mumble in his sibling's ear. “Chat can be just a little stupid sometimes.” Another giggle passes through their lips as Y/N slides off of my lap and sits in between Tommy and I. “Thanks Tommy,” they whisper back, turning their body to properly hug their brother back. 

The closing of the door pulled my attention away from my youngest two. Wilbur and Techno were now also completely in the room and were heading toward the bed as well. I moved over so that one of them could sit in between Y/N and I and the other could go sit next to Tommy. Wilbur took the place beside me, sending Techno over by Tommy. Not saying anything, Wilbur turned his body and reached over and wrapped his long arms around Y/N and Tommy, trapping them in their own hug. For the first time ever, neither of them complained. Neither told him to get off, simply just accepted the affection from their brother. 

And to my surprise and delight, Techno leaned onto Tommy and wrapped his arms around the two as well, his arms only able to wrap around Y/N. The four didn’t say anything as they laid in the cuddle pile. I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes. They hadn’t done this in years. Before Wilbur and Techno hit their teen years, the four of them would cuddle in piles like this all the time. When I couldn’t find any of them, I would only have to find one to find all of them. But once the teen years began, the two eldest felt that they were too cool to cuddle with their siblings and the piles came to a stop. It warms my heart to see them do this, even if it’s under really shitty circumstances. 

One by one, their breathing evened out. One by one, they fell asleep. Once I was sure all were asleep, I slowly and carefully got off of the bed and managed to do so without waking any of them. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, made sure the ringer and flash were off, before snapping many photos. I didn’t plan on sharing them with everyone, they were just for me to have and to hold. Maybe I’ll print one and put it in my office. 

I carefully slipped out of the room, closing the door softly behind me before heading back to the kitchen. The kitchen was exactly how I left it when I fled to Y/N’s room after seeing them cry. As quietly as I could, I put everything away. I decided I was no longer in a mood to cook. Besides, on days like today, I think Y/N deserves to have their favorite carry out… Don’t you?

I don’t know if I liked how this one turned out, so let me know what you think! Leave a like if you did enjoy it and maybe even reply or reblog or even send me an ask telling me what you thought!!

[andatsea]

XP-Pen Artist Pro 24 Review

I drew this with an XP-Pen Artist Pro 24, which the team at XP-Pen kindly sent to me for review. I’ve had to opportunity to use this tablet on-and-off over the course of the past several weeks, and while there were a few issues my overall impression is positive.

Unboxing / Contents

Apart from the 24” display tablet itself, the package comes with the usual cabling peripherals, plus some bonus extras. If your machine supports a USB-C connection for display, you’ll only need the one cable (plus the power connection). Otherwise, there’s a HDMI and a USB-C to USB converter included as well.

The extras include: an additional stylus, a one-size-fits-all artist’s glove, and a microfiber cloth.

The container for the stylus twists open to reveal 8 extra stylus nibs. Its cap can also be removed to use as a stylus holder.

Driver (Installation & General Use)

There were a few issues with installation, mostly tied to interactions between the driver, Windows 10 and Windows Ink.

Initially, brush strokes were offset from the stylus’ point of contact with the screen by about 3-4 centimetres when attempting to draw in Photoshop CS6. Random straight strokes also occurred frequently. This same problem did not occur in MS Paint or Photoshop CC 2019. This was fixed by changing the UI scaling setting for the monitor in Windows settings from 125% (which was apparently the default) to 100%.

Initially, brush strokes had no pen pressure in Photoshop CC 2019. Photoshop CS6, on the other hand, did (but suffered from the previous offset problem). This was fixed by turning on the Windows Ink setting in the XP-Pen driver menu. So in other words: CC 2019 needs Windows Ink on to recognise pen pressure, while CS6 didn’t, but was affected by UI scaling.

Interestingly, if Windows Task Manager was in focus and Windows Ink was not enabled in driver settings, stylus input was not recognised at all. There may be other programs that have this issue, but this was the only one I encountered so far.

I will say that I’ve had many problems with Wacom drivers interacting badly with Windows Ink and other things in the past before, so these types of issues are not exclusive to the XP-Pen drivers.

I’m currently using driver version 3.0.5, a beta build that has a lovely UI; it’s clear and laid out well. I did also try version 1.6.4 initially, which was fine — the UI for that version was similar to the layout you find with Wacom drivers.

Apart from the issues during installation that required troubleshooting, I haven’t had many major complaints with the driver in day-to-day use, I do think that there are a few areas for improvement, however.

The driver stops working correctly each time the computer is set to sleep and woken up again. To fix this the driver must be exited from the system tray and then relaunched.

There also doesn’t seem to be a way to bind WIN+SHIFT+ARROW to any of the express keys. WIN+SHIFT+ARROW (left or right arrow) is the Windows shortcut to quickly move a focused window to another monitor, so it’s something I use a lot if I’m on a multi-monitor setup. Unfortunately, attempting to set this shortcut in the express keys menu will simply move the actual driver window over to the other monitor while the custom input is not properly recognised in the text field.

The driver does offer a “switch monitor” option for the express keys that when clicked will transfer your stylus input to another monitor, which is extremely useful.

Screen

At 24” with a 2560x1440p QHD resolution, images are sharp and crisp even when viewed from a close range while drawing. Genuinely, it feels great to paint on based off this aspect alone.

The colour temperature is set to 6500K by default in the the driver settings. I think initially it felt just a touch too saturated, but overall I’m fairly happy with the colour display.

The monitor has touch-sensitive inputs on the top right corner: a -/+ for quickly adjusting the brightness, a menu for further settings, and power. I found myself using these to adjust the brightness throughout the day frequently. The power input requires a few seconds of continued contact from your finger to react, which prevents you from accidentally brushing it and turning the monitor on/off.

The monitor comes with a built-in stand. I found it easy to adjust to different viewing angles and also incredibly sturdy. I had no problems leaning on the monitor while drawing.

The monitor also comes with a pre-applied anti-glare screen protector. I wasn’t bothered by it and it seems to be holding out well after several weeks of use. I think the screen itself definitely needs the additional anti-glare, as being a display tablet means that it’s significantly more reflective than my main display.

Stylus

My first impression of the stylus was that it’s lighter in comparison to the Wacom styluses that I’m used to — there is very little to no weighting on the back end of the stylus, which makes it feel noticeably different when gripped. To be honest, though, I forgot about it when I was actually painting. Still, I would prefer a bit more weighting because I do think it makes the stylus more comfortable to hold overall for long periods of time.

There’s also no eraser nib, but I’ve personally never used those on Wacom tablets (I always use shortcuts to switch between brush and eraser instead) so this was a non-issue for me.

The two shortcut buttons on the side of the stylus sit quite flat to the surface, so I think they would be less likely to bother people who don’t use them. I use them a lot, however, and found that they were still easy to click despite being quite flat.

Unfortunately however I ran into a curious issue with using one of the stylus buttons to activate the eyedropper tool. When the “alt” key is mapped to one of the triggers on the stylus, activation of the eyedropper function in Photoshop (tested in both CS6 and CC 2019) is somewhat unreliable. That is, when the “alt” key is held down, the expected result is that once you tap the stylus on the canvas, a “mouse-click” will be triggered and the eyedropper will activate. While this works perfectly fine if you hold down “alt” from the keyboard (or hold down an “alt” that’s bound to one of the 20 express keys), when you hold “alt” from a stylus trigger I found that tapping quickly with the stylus only seemed to activate the eyedropper about 50% of the time. In order to activate it more reliably, I had to press harder and longer with the stylus, which can become tiring and slowed down my painting process. I also found that frequently, pressing down longer would lock me into the eyedropping function until I clicked the trigger key again.

After submitting feedback about this XP-Pen’s R&D department, I was informed that this issue occurs because the stylus is only able to send one message to the tablet at a time. Pressing “alt” on the stylus and trying to “click” at the same time counts as two messages, which may interact with each other unexpectedly. This is why it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.

The buttons seem to otherwise work completely fine for any other functions that don’t require the stylus to send two simultaneous messages, so unless you’re like me and like to bind “alt” to a stylus trigger, this won’t affect you.

Pen Pressure & Activation Force

Most current-gen tablets flash a big number for the pen pressure levels as a selling point. Having used tablets with 512, 2k, 4k and 8k levels of pressure sensitivity, I’d say I noticed the biggest difference when switching from 512 to 2k, but in my opinion beyond 2k the change is minimal and has no real impact on the way I draw. The XP-Pen Artist Pro 24 comes with 8192 levels of sensitivty, which is a very big number, but in practical application all I can say is that it works the way I expect it to and I don’t have any complaints regarding the transition between pressure levels on the default linear pressure curve.

More importantly I did notice that the IAF (initial activation force) was not as low as I would have liked. Very light input is not recognised, or only partially recognised before dropping off and on again. In a practical sense this doesn’t actually impact me through most of (perhaps 97%) of the painting process, but it did give me pause once in a while when I wanted to make a really light stroke and had to adjust my method. The drivers for this tablet do come with a pressure curve you can adjust to your preferences, so this can help a little, although after some tests I preferred to leave mine on the default setting.

Summary of Drawing Experience (tl;dr)

I think the mark of a good tool or piece of hardware is that it does not draw attention to itself during the course of its use. An ideal drawing experience allows me to be fully immersed in the act of drawing without having my focus shifted to dealing with the tool. With this in mind the XP-Pen Artist Pro performed very well for the most part, but was held back by a couple of issues.

Pros:

The monitor resolution honestly feels great to look at; the pixel density means that I can basically forget about pixels even with my face positioned closer to the screen.

The parallax between the tip of the stylus and the actual position of input was very minimal and basically not noticeable for me, especially after the simple calibration process offered by the driver.

At normal room temperature (say up to about mid-20’s celsius) the monitor screen stays impressively cool to the touch and I was never bothered by resting my drawing hand on its surface even when painting for long sessions.

The 20 express keys and 2 roller rings are extremely helpful and I actually found myself using all of them, despite initially thinking that I’d only need half of them. The keys are also comfortable and responsive to click (which sounds like it should obviously be so, but having used some Intuos iterations in the past which had some very annoying-to-click express keys, I don’t take this feature for granted anymore).

Cons:

The driver needs to be restarted everytime the computer wakes from sleep in order to work.

Higher IAF was noticeable when very light strokes were desirable. Also, the input will on rare occasions glitch by performing a completely straight max opacity + max brush size stroke. This seemed to happen primarily when I was trying to get light strokes to register. (It didn’t happen often enough to bother me much since it’s just a quick undo, but it did happen enough times that I noticed it.)

The issue with eyedropping using “alt” mapped to a stylus trigger as detailed above. Quite unlucky for someone like me who has over a decade of muscle memory for this particular mapping.

Overall, as I said at the beginning, my impression of the tablet is positive. While I think it has room for improvement when it comes to driver performance and the initial activation force especially, it also has a lot to offer at a highly competitive price point ($900USD at retail), and it would’ve been amazing if something like this had been available to me back when I first started digital painting. As I do enjoy using it for the most part I’ll probably continue to use it on-and-off in future.

[hockeyisit]

I dont know if you are still taking requests or you would want to do a prompt like this, but maybe one where Auston is jerking off in the hotel room and gets busted by the guys? Thanks, love your work

Word Count: 1,956

MasterList

A.N: So this had been sitting in my ask for awhile, hope you enjoy this.

Warning: Smut

“Hey Aus,” I smiled lazily through the phone as I accepted Auston’s facetime. He was laying in his hotel bed while I was currently laying in his king size bed in his apartment. They had been away on a five day road trip and I had agreed to stay at Auston’s apartment so I could watch Felix.

“Hey baby what you doing?” Auston asked, taking in my naked appearance with lust filled eyes. They had a game earlier and had won 6-3, two of the goals scored by Auston.

“I was just watching the game. You did great honey,” I praised. I slowly tailed my hand down my t-shirt to play with myself through my underwear.

“Thanks baby,” he blushed.

“Are you in the room alone?” I asked. I assumed he was because he normally wouldn't call me baby that many times around the guys. They tended to just tease him a lot when he did.

“Yeah, Brownie is gone. They all went over to Mitchys to celebrate the win,” he responded.

“Oh,” I said, slipping a finger under my underwear.

“Your goals were really sexy,” I continued giving him a sweet shy look. His face lit up with a lazy grin.

“Yeah, liked what you saw?” He raised an eyebrow. I bit my lip as I stared at him through the camera.

“So much. I wish you were coming home to me and not the hotel,” I said, making direct eye contact with him, well as best as you could through facetime.

“Me too baby,” he grinned.

“I found my vibrator in your bedside dawr,” I told him, holding it up to show him. His eyes widened before he threw his head back.

“I forgot I put that there,” he huffed.

“Well I think I’m going to use it,” I said, holding it up to my lips making a show of it as I moved it down to where I wanted to use it.

“Damn babe why do you always do this when I’m not home,” he whined. His camera went black as he adjusted himself so he could reach a hand into his pants.

“I’m supposed to go over to Mitchy’s,” Auston panted. I grimaced slightly at him bringing up a teammate before responding.

“Shh, will be fast.”

“How does it feel?” he asked after a moment.

“So good,” I moaned out leaning into the touch of my vibrator. “But not as good as you,” I continued after an intense wave of pleasure.

“I wish you were here.”

Auston’s face scrunched up in pleasure as he started to touch his hardening cock.

“I wish I was there,” Auston said through a deep breath, “If I was there I would be teasing you so hard right now.”

“I’d put you on your back and have one hand playing with your tits and the other fucking you with your tiny vibrator.”

I let out a loud moan as I visualized everything he was saying. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt like I was getting closer to my edge.

“Then what?” I asked, peaking my eyes open to see him on my screen. He was staring back with a sex-crazed look in his eyes.

“Then after I’d make you come from that I would fuck you open until your begging me to stop.”

Letting out another loud moan I pressed my vibrator closer to me and was instantly hit with an extreme wave of pleasure.

“Aus, Aus,” I chanted as I felt myself slowly starting to ride out my orgasm.

“Yeah baby. Come for me,” he encouraged. I blushed as I relaxed further into my pillow.

“Are you jerking off?” I asked out of breath. He grunted in response.

“Yeah,”

“See if you were home I would have you in my mouth right now,” I teased, my chest still heaving.

“Amelia,” he moaned, obviously loving the sound of that.

“Fuck,” he moaned again.

Just as I was about to respond I heard the sound of a door clicking open and two seconds later Auston was dropping his phone to cover up.

“Dude what the fuck,” Auston asked shocked to see Brownie, Mitchy, Freddie, and Morgan standing at the door.

“Dude you what the fuck. You didn’t even put a sock on the door,” Brownie responded right away. I set my phone down so that I could slip on a button up shirt. Auston and I had never gotten caught doing something like this. I wasn’t sure whether I was going to die from embarrassment right now or laughter.

“Aww cute Mats is getting it on with some porn,” I heard Morgan say. I stayed quiet, not sure if Auston wanted them to know I was on the phone.

“Porn I bet it’s a picture of Amelia,” Brownie said. I frowned slightly as I realized I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear what a group of hockey players had to say about our sex life.

“She send a picture? Can we see?” I heard a voice I didn’t recognize.

“Shut the fuck up, no you can’t see,” Auston scoffed.

“Do you need us to leave so you can finish?” Mitchy jokes.

“Fuck you all,” Auston said loudly. The group let out a laugh as they made their way to the door to leave him alone. A few seconds later I heard the sound of the door closing. Auston lifted his phone back up so that he could look at me. I giggled as I took in his annoyed face.

“You okay sweetie?” I coed. Auston let out a groan as he turned onto his side.

“They are never going to let me live that down,” he said, running his hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry,” I said feeling slightly guilty.

“Nah don’t be it's my fault I should have done the deadbolt,” he reassured.

“Are you going to finish?” I asked gently. He gave me a thoughtful look before shaking his head.

“Mood officially ruined the second I saw their ugly faces,” he said. I let out a startled laugh and shook my head.

“I bet I can get you in the mood,” I said confidently. I set my phone down on the dresser, setting it so that you could see where I was sitting on the bed.

“Remember when we went to Mexico?” I asked, slipping the shirt down slightly to reveal my collarbones, my breast still covered.

“How could I ever forget Mexico,” he smiled as he thought of our short trip to Mexico.

“All the drinks, the hot tub,” I slipped my shirt lower so I was just about to reveal my breast. Auston’s mouth lit up into a slight smirk.

“That was one of the best nights of my life,” I continued as I moved my shirt down so that my body was exposed. Auston's eyes wandered my body as he jerked himself off slowly.

“You took such good care of me that night. Always checking in to see if I was okay. You were slow and passionate but also just rough enough that I never wanted you to stop.”

“You were so pretty that night,” Auston grunted out. “You felt so good that night.”

“I know we fucked around like four times,” I laughed as I moved my hand up to start playing with my nipples for Auston . He threw his head back as he let out a loud moan.

“I wish you were fucking me right now. I’m already good to go for another round,” I said, bringing my hand down to rub against my clit. I let out a soft moan when my fingers made contact.

“Fuck babe I’m close,” Auston panted. I let out a soft moan as I heard him talk and slipped two fingers into myself.

“Cum for me baby,” I whispered seductively. As soon as I finished talking Auston let out a loud moan as he came all over his hand.

“Fuck,” Auston moaned. I sped up my fingers moving them in and out at a quicker pace before cuming myself.  When I was finished riding out my high I stood up from the bed and slowly made my way to the master bathroom so that I could pee.

“Are you going to go over to Mitchy’s?” I asked as I set my phone down on the counter so I could sit on the toilet.

“Ugh do I have to. They are just going to tease me all night,” he huffed.

“It’ll probably be worse if you wait to see them in front of the team,” I told him as I finished up and walked over to wash my hands.

“You're probably right it’s just going to be so annoying,” he sighed standing up and making his way into the bathroom to clean himself up.

“Well if it makes you feel any better I’m going to be taking Felix on a walk even though I don’t want to,” I told him, tying my hair up and throwing on one of Auston’s sweatshirts that was hanging in the bathroom. I quickly slipped on a pair of shorts and made my way out of the living room to find Felix.

“Makes me feel a little better but not by much,” he said.

“Wish me luck,” he said going to pull his hotel door open.

“Good luck! Let me know how it goes,” I told him.

“Will do baby. Have fun on your walk. Love you,” he said

“Love you too.”

-----

I slowly made my way out of the hotel room and towards Mitchy’s room. I knew the second I walked through I was probably going to get roasted the second I walked in but I also knew it would be ten times worse if I waited until team breakfast.

I knocked on the door before pushing my way into the room. Freddie was sitting on the bed closest to the door so I quickly sat down next to him hoping to go as unnoticed as possible.

“Hey man,” I said. Freddie glanced up from his phone to me.

“Amelia just texted me and told me to be nice to you,” he said, showing his phone to me. It was opened to a conversation with Amelia and him. She had sent him a gif as well as the text. I pulled my own phone out to see if she had texted me.

“Look at this picture she sent me,” I said, holding my phone out so he could see the cute picture of Felix she had just sent.

“Ohh Matts you showing Freddie the picture you were jerking it too?”

I sent an annoyed glare to Brownie as I shook my head.

“That’s fucked up man, I don't share photos of my girl,” I said sternly, locking my phone and setting it down next to me.

“Next time put a sock on the door or something when you're jerking one out,” Brownie responded, ignoring what I said. I shrugged looking down at my feet.

“It just happened. Didn’t have time to think about putting a sock on the door.”

“You dirty bastard,” Mo joked.

“I’m allowed to do what I want to in the privacy of my room,” I responded, annoyed by their teasing.

“How’s Amelia going to feel about that one?” Brownie asked, letting out a loud laugh. He elbowed Mo before snatching the Switch remote out of Mitchy’s hand.

“Shut up,” I mumbled picking my phone up to send a text to Amelia, Brownie’s being a dick. She responded immediately, I’m not surprised.

“Sorry man I’m just fucking with you, want to play switch?” he asked, holding the remote out to me. I nodded my head as I took it from him. Let’s fucking play.

[violentviolette]

(Part 1) Hi! I have a question and I hope this doesn't come across as ignorant or rude in anyway! So, I've been dealing with mental health problems for a very long time. About 6 or 7 years ago, when I was like 16, I found out about PD's. I /heavily/ to both avpd and bpd, but I've never brought it up to doctors, for many reasons. I'm being treated for anxiety and depression, ocd and an eating disorder. The thing is, even after all these years, avpd and bpd just seem to fit better to me. The thing is though, I don't have a traumatic childhood. I know you've talked about pd's being trauma based (at least cluster b pds), but do you think there is anyway for them to develop without trauma?

(Part 2) I'm NOT asking for a diagnosis, and I'm very aware that many mental illness symptoms overlap and maybe avpd and bpd seem like they fit me but it is actually something else, just something similar. Or maybe I have avpd but relate to some bpd traits.So I'm not looking for any diagnosis at all, I'm just curious about your thoughts on the development of PDs without trauma, or at least the development of symptoms that are very similar to PDs in the absence of trauma?

anon with peace and love, uve absolutely undergone trauma and childhood abuse.

people do not develop mental illness in a vacuum, the issues u listed, even without the pds, mean u have absolutely been abused. things like anxiety, depression, ocd and eating disorders do not develop in healthy people who had well adjusted, healthy and loving childhoods, especially if they developed during adolescence. like factually they just do not

every single person I've ever met who had trauma, including myself, thought that we didn't at first. every single victim denies their trauma, downplays it, doesn't see it and can't admit it. so much so that that is a genuine criteria that therapists look for. no one who was abused during childhood thinks they were, genuinely

I dont know ur specific circumstance obviously, but I think if u start really looking into childhood abuse, cptsd, and other things ull realize more and more that what u went through probably was not normal or healthy. abuse is so much more than what people assume, its not just hitting and beatings and screaming and violence. childhood abuse and neglect take so many forms, and things that seem completely "normal" and innocuous can have deep traumatizing lifelong consequences

just because ur experience wasn't extreme, doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic for u. because genuinely if u are having the symptoms that u are, u have undergone childhood trauma, there is genuinely no other explanation for what ur experiencing

[hawkland]

My (mostly) Destiel Recs, Round-up #6

Well, between working like crazy on my DCBB fic and GISH and injuring my neck last month I haven’t kept up with my rec posts, so this one is going to be LONG and have a LOT and I’m going to try to break it up into sections, from oldies but goodies (some things I found on very old rec lists) to smutty delights to just tasty little bits of fluff, hopefully there’s something or everyone here. Most of these are not super-long, largely in the 10-25k range, though there are a few beyond that. With all the stuff I’ve had going on I haven’t wanted to lose sleep diving into 100k epics (especially when I’m writing my own right now, lol.)

“Oldies” but Goodies:  Here are two great fics written some time way back when but that still definitely slap.

Theodicy by manic_intent (11k) - Probably the most brilliant Godstiel fic I’ve read to date. One of Cas’s first acts as the new god is to make a new archangel. Dean isn’t exactly on board with having his soul re-sculpted into wings he hates on sight (especially as they seem magnetically drawn to Cas), but he isn’t exactly given a choice. He, Sam and Bobby struggle with how to handle their former friend suddenly becoming a vindictive deity - trying to make plans to kill him if they must, which is pretty hard when it seems like Cas is always one step ahead of him. Can Dean hold on to enough of his humanity to provide a conscience to Cas and try to steer him toward good acts instead of destruction? This is one that I can’t say has a perfectly happy ending, but it’s a hopeful and imperfect one that’s just right for how the story plays out. 

My Eyes Are An Ocean by entanglednow (10k) - Season 5 AU where Dean averts the apocalypse through a spell that “powers up” all the angels and he sees Cas’s true form - before being rendered blind. Dean tries to adjust to his blindness, Cas tries to deal with his guilt, and it’s just a lovely little read with an ending that’s... *chef’s kiss*

Lots more recs below the cut:

More great reads from some of my favorite authors I’ve recced before:

The Cabin on the Lake by DeanRH (21k) - This may be my new favorite DeanRH fic...at least for the moment. The year is 2152, Sam and Dean are long gone to Heaven, while Cas - stuck somewhere between mortal and angel - remains on Earth keeping vigil, keeping up the hunt, assuming he’ll never see either Winchester ever again. But when he starts hearing things, and imagining Dean visiting him as an angel himself, he starts losing grip on what is and isn’t real, and whether he can trust anything he sees or believes to be the truth. This is one hell of a psychological rollercoaster that kept me guessing right along with Cas until the very end. It also has some super-creepy horror elements, a novel “monster of the week”, and the hot-as-sin smut scenes I always expect from this author.

X Marks the Scot by DeanRH (15.9k) A fun little romp through history in one of this author’s great not-quite-au fics. Crowley sends Dean and Sam back in history to the Scottish Highlands to stop a monster, and while there they meet a blue-eyed clan chief who makes Dean weak in the knees. There’s something familiar about him, too. a very clever au that ties back to canon for an unexpected fix-it. Also, Cas in a kilt. Enough said.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon by DeanRH (12k) - Sweet and slightly angsty AU. What if Dean was a gardener in ancient Babylon when a strange dignitary came to warn that the tower under construction was to be destroyed by angels? Lush, romantic and sexy with some wonderful tie-ins to canon characterizations (of Dean, Sam, John and of course Cas).

sufficient for thee by angelfishofthelord (21k) - This is a beautiful Cas angst-fest and character study that reimagines how angel grace works, particularly in regards to healing others. It covers the whole of Cas’s arc from Season 4 through a post-series fix-it, is absolutely stunning and features some great world-building in regards to the angels. (One important TW: those with cutting/self-harm issues may wish to skip or at least proceed with caution). I love that I can always count on angelfishofthelord when I need a good dose of Cas!whump and pain.

And laugh at gilded butterflies by ireallydidthistomyself (13k) - another great Dadstiel fic from this author featuring one of my favorite angsty subjects! I don’t know how I missed reading this one before. An AU where Cas is raising (baby)Jack on his own until the angels find the two of them and prepare to seal Jack away in the Ma’lak box. Cas begs them to let him go with Jack, so at least Jack won’t be alone for eternity. Meanwhile Dean is frantically trying to find what happened to Cas, and he gets some unexpected help from Crowley.  It’s sad and sweet and all the characterizations are great. A+ Crowley use here, too.

what stays (and what fades away) by dothraki_shieldmaiden (64k) - a fabulous read with some great art, too, that started me reading a bunch of fic from this author. Cas goes missing, and when he’s found he seems deep under a spell. When they finally manage to awaken him, he doesn’t remember anything of this life with Dean, Sam and Cas in the bunker. The last thing he knew he was a nurse living with his wonderful husband, Dean, and their two adopted children, Jack and Claire. What I loved about this one was the clever twist as to who was behind Cas’s curse and also how well-developed his AU world/existence was. I’m not generally keen on mundane aus or the one-dimensional way a lot of djinn dream fics tend to go for them, but this one managed to capture a believable version of Dean and Cas living a “normal” life without monsters without making it sugary/too-sweet. 

before knowing remembers by dothraki_shieldmaiden (14k) Post 15x04, a wonderful fic that plays with some meta topics in a clever way. Dean and Sam are happy - they have free will and they’ve won against Chuck, even if they suffered some big losses along the way (including Jack). But Dean can’t help but think he’s forgetting something...or rather, someone. Yet every time he thinks he remembers, the name and face of that someone slips from his mind. 

weights on my ankles by dothraki_shieldmaiden (9k) Post-15x03 where Cas ends up going back to the Gas ‘n Sip and working with Nora after leaving the bunker. A bitter sweet divorce-arc AU and what I love the most is how it ends - not perfect, not tragic, just very real and believable. 

15x18 and Post-canon fix-it fics:

Orbital Velocity Around a Celestial Body by LeverDrift (26k) - An angsty but lovely fix-it fic, one where it gets worse for a while before it gets better. Dean pulls Cas from the Empty, where he’d been living in a fantasy world with a dream!Dean who was giving him everything real!Dean is certain he can’t. Dean has to struggle with wondering if Cas would have been better off with dream!Dean instead of him. This is one that will break your heart before putting it back together again as Dean struggles with his self-worth issues.

so good at crashing in by Wintertree (36k) - Another post-finale fix-it where Cas is back, the world is saved, and things are still...not as easy as it should be for either Dean nor Cas. Monsters are gone, there’s no more hunting to be done, and Cas wants to move out of the bunker somewhere closer to Claire, to move on with a proper human life. Dean thinks he can move there with Cas and stay as “best friends”, even to the extent that Cas encourages him to go out and have sex with others/women. (And wants to hear about it after the fact!) But can Dean figure out what he really wants, and what Cas wants as well? A refreshingly unique take on what a post-series life could have looked like for them.

Delicious smut:

Empty by squirrelofcelestialintent (43k) - Every day this fandom makes me rethink my previous squicks and DNWs in fanfic. Here I find myself enjoying quite a bit more dom/sub elements than I normally ever would! I think because I was absolutely drawn in by the breathtaking first chapter, capturing beautifully the emotions of Cas returning from the Empty in Season 13 if he and Dean had confessed their feelings right then and there. But Dean’s self-worth is all fucked up, he feels there’s no way he can be good enough for Cas, especially when his sexual desires run a little bit...let’s just say outside the vanilla and he’s struggling with shame over doing sex work when he was younger. This was HOT and POOR SAM really gets stuck in the middle of, well, hearing more about his brother’s sex life than he ever needed to.

He's My Mate by Hatsonhamburgers (22k) - This fic manages the delightful combination of humor and extreme hotness perfectly. Dean and Cas catch each other in some questionable masturbation situations. This leads Cas to decide he needs to buy Dean some proper sex toys. He’s just helping his best friend out, right? Sure. As I said, hysterical AND hot as hell. 

Generals by nanoochka (9k) - Cas/Dean, Cas/Balthazar/Dean, implied past-Cas/Balthazar. An old LJ fic I found on an ancient rec list that is just scorching hot and a brilliant character study of Cas and Dean. Balthazar decides to invite himself in when he catches Dean and Cas engaging in some frisky business, and it turns into a bit of a power-play between the two soldiers of Heaven. Cas gets DP’ed and it’s all...well. It’s fucking good, read it.

The One With The Preening by HolyFuckingHell (5.5k) Can I do a rec post without including some wing!kink/wing!grooming in it? No, I can’t. (I also really enjoyed some of the other fics in this author’s series including The One With Dean's Horny Movies).

A Single Point of Light by Destina (2.4k) - This is a gorgeous Cas/Dean/Benny Purgatory short! A delicious balance of the two each caring for and caring about Dean in their own, protective ways, definitely a delight for any fans of this threesome.

Short and sweet, fluff to angst:

Snugglebird by almaasi (5.3k) - So, so soft and sweet and snuggly, just like the title. Dean’s things are disappearing from the bunker...and so, suddenly, has Cas. What’s going on? I do love my nesting!Cas fics, so...yeah. If you need a smile this is a good one to read :)

And Cleanse Me From My Sin by thisisapaige (1.6k) - another one for my beloveds who also enjoy wing grooming and sweet Dean-taking-care-of-Cas fluff.

Needle and Thread by Misachan (4k) - Season 5 wing!fic hurt/comfort. Cas’s wings are badly injured, Dean doesn’t quite know what he’s doing, but he’s stitched up Sam and himself enough times. He can do this. If you love caretaker!Dean and vulnerable!Cas don’t overlook this little gem.

Deceptive Preludes by sp8ce (2.7k) - One of those stories that delves into some of the difficulties Cas might have after coming back from the Empty a second time, especially in regards to accepting what’s real or not, understanding Dean, and how both of their communication issues can add to their struggles. Painful but hopeful for the future, felt very believable as I read it.

[swarsley]

This is not happening

Part 3 - so are we the bad guy

Reader x venom-ish

Summary: Quarantine sucks ass! Not only that but it’s a rainy day and there’s nothing to do. So how do you, your older brother, his girlfriend and his best friend decide to spend the evening. Video games! Specifically a new marvel avengers based one where you get to pick any character from the marvel universe, who ever and what ever they maybe. Well that’s exactly what happens but you must choose wisely cause you don’t know what the future brings.

Authors note:

Characters: the four main players (OC). The original six avengers including a few newer ones here and there. Because it’s a video game no one has died and Thanos isn’t around.

Warning: cursing here and there along with thoughts of insanity. (Mainly from the from the four main players)

POV-(y/n)

They open the barrel and out comes that slimy thing to invade my body and take control. I close my eye and only cry more, with all the fucked up shit that has been going on this year and we only half way. I guess I never gave myself the chance to process it all and now this I can’t take anymore. I want to go home. The thing finally attaches itself to me and slowly hose up my leg. I’m hyperventilating too much I think I’m going to pass out. 

I feel nothing for the first few seconds then they become minutes. I finally open my eyes and look to all the confused scientists' faces hoping to find an answer to what just happen? Then the droc sitting at the computer speaks.

“She and the symbiote have successfully bonded and her vital signs are normal. “The Doctor says solemnly.

POV- third person

Carlton smiles gleam of success shining in his eyes. “Wonderful well let’s go to the next stage and prepare for the first set of the testing.” The rest of the Doctors look at him like he’s crazy.

“Sir don’t you think it’s best to let her rest before we continue-”

Carlton does a full 180 on him. “What do you mean?”

“I-I mean we should just let the symbiote adjust to their new found host and see if it rejects them after a while maybe?” He’s looks to the others for help seemingly. Everyone shakes their head in approval of the statement.

 Dr. Skirth then speaks up on behalf of everyone. “Sir he could be right and on the other half we also have so many others to bond with their respective host. Giving them some time might just be thing we’ve been missing from the others and like you say she might have “poor design.” She looks to Drake then to the girl strapped to the table looking ready to die as if that was her only escape. “Also look at her she looks extremely dehydrated and malnourished. We want to make sure that were able to take care of the symbiot properly. Don’t we?” 

Drake looks to the ground and contemplation. “Fine we will make sure she’s up and ready for the incoming test. In the meantime we should test the rest of the host but first get her in a cell we can’t have her going anywhere.” The doctors immediately start scrambling and one of them pushes a button on the dash, smoke all of a sudden starts flooding the room and your vision goes black. 

POV-(y/n)

After waking I found myself in a room that was cold, really really cold. I’m still trying to wrap my head around all this but nothing seemed to make sense. 

‘This seems like real life but at the same time all of this happening in a game right?’

‘A game’

“AHHHHHH WHO SAID THAT!” I got to my feet in a flash and looked around for anyone that could of said that. There was no one near me not even the security guards were around.

‘Did I even say that out loud’

‘No’ 

I quickly turn “WHO SAYING THAT!?” There’s nothing in here with me am I going mental?

“Hello?”

“AH!” I push myself up against the wall facing the main door and see the same female doctor from last time.

“Hey it’s ok I’m not here to hurt you just wanna help.”

Part 1 Part 2

[mrspanky]

Could I fondly request Jason comforting the reader who has severe depression? Make it fluffy and stuff, but also sarcastic. If that makes sense?

Empty Spaces, (A Jason Todd x Reader)

Warnings: Language, mentions of depression, and passing out.

Genre: Fluff, comedy, angst.

Authors note: I hope this is comforting! Thank you for requesting this @aviseagle , and I really hope you like it.♡ _______________________________________________

Curiously, you poked around your room in Titan's tower, taking it in for the first time.

This would be a good change for you. You’d been struggling so much on your own, but then Dick had found you and swept you up, and before you knew it, you were the newest member in the tower. Sighing, you tried to relax your shoulders a little.

Your room was so spacious that you could’ve mistaken it for a master bedroom. There was an empty feeling to it. Your minimalistic suitcase was not going to fill all of this space. You furrowed your eyebrows in sadness, wishing there was someone you could ask to go shopping with for some decor that might make it feel a little more like your own. Unfortunately, you hardly knew anyone here at all.

Adjusting is always hard, and you weren’t excited for the period of being “the new kid” that you were sure was to come. You didn’t even know Dick well enough to confide in him fully, so you were desperately hoping you would hit it off with someone quickly.

Just as you were about to lay on your new sorely character-lacking bed, you heard your door open behind you.

“Uhh...who are you?”

The man standing in the doorway looked exhausted, and confused.

“Y/n...” you answered in a voice that almost made it sound like a question.

He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, looking slightly unstable.

“...Are you ok?”

You noticed he was swaying a little, and concern started to creep up on you.

He nodded his head.

“Oh yeah, I feel totally…”

He passed out on the floor.

“What the-?!”

You jumped to your feet. Who was this man? Why was he in your room? Why did he just pass out?!

Your head buzzed with questions.

“Hey!” you yelled to the now human carpet.

Running over to his side, you checked his pulse.

“Thank god,” you thought as you felt a faint beating.

You looked down to your phone to alert Dick, when...

“-Shit…!”

The faux-corpse sat up with a start, nearly causing you to have a heart attack.

“WHAT the fuck”, you exclaimed, jumping back from him in fear.

“I’m kind of having a minute here, sorry. Can you just help me to the bed?”

“What?”

“I’m under the affects of a fear toxin right now, and if I don’t at least lay down I’m going to pass out again”, he rasped, in a tone of voice that shocked you.

He simply sounded annoyed at best, and not terrified like you’d expect someone to be while on a fear toxin.

“Ok ok”, you responded. Normally you’d resist a strange man asking to be helped to your bed, but until seconds ago you’d thought this person was dying, so you put your hesitancy to the side.

You heaved his arm over your shoulder and attempted to stand.

He was not light.

You hadn’t noticed until his weight was on you but he was extremely muscular, and the muscle mass weight was not being kind to you at the moment, especially since he was resembling a limp noodle as far as posture.

“Can you…”

“I have minimal motor control”.

“Ugh, ok fine…” you plopped him down on the bed.

“Thanks,” he sighed heavily.

There was a pause as you stood at the side of the bed, trying to come up with something to say. It was difficult to think straight after the chaos that had just ensued.

“Who are you?” the man questioned, his eyes closed.

“You already asked me that”, you responded.

“Oh.”

He paused.

“Then I might have a concussion”.

“Oh Jesus. Let me call Dick. You need to go to the hospital or something. Between that and the toxin...?”

You reached for your phone to attempt to call for a second time.

“No, please. I'll give myself another concussion if I have to see him in person”.

“...You're going to..?!”

“Relax. I heal fast. I'll be better in twenty minutes”.

You sighed heavily in relief.

“You're an asshole. Why didn't you just say that?”

“I'm not of sound mind right now and I'm trying to keep this conversation going so I can stay distracted.”

You didn't respond.

“...So. Anything interesting going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Tell me about yourself. I'm dying here. For the second time.”

“For the second-”

“-Just... can you? I'm not scared but the hallucinations are a bitch”.

You took a deep breath.

“...Fine”.

You attempted to relax your tone. You were completely overwhelmed with how chaotic this man was, but you felt bad for him, and you did want to help, even if he was a stranger. You knew fear toxin was no joke.

Steeling yourself, you tried to prepare a thought.

The depression set in.

What was there to even talk about?

You spoke quietly.

“Honestly...I haven't really had anything worth talking about happen recently”.

He said nothing, seeming to wait for you to continue.

“I’m just kind if lonely, and I'm new here and I'm worried about not having anyone to confide in, and I miss the feeling of being loved so much, and this stupid room is so empty and it's making me feel empty too, and….”, you trailed off.

Embarrassment flooded you as you realized how much you had just said.

“You're ok,” he stated.

“What?”

“You're ok.”

“I'm not sure what you-”

“-Actually, yeah. You're not right now. But you'll find a way”.

He paused, looking up at you seeming slightly concerned.

“Do you...do you wanna sit?”

He gestured next to him.

Unsure, you sat down carefully, trying to avoid moving the bed too much so you wouldn't disturb his concussion at all.

“I died once”, he said.

Letting down your guard, you responded.

“How?”

This was a world where Superman was real, so why not?

“Joker kind of found a crowbar”.

“...Oh”.

This man had clearly been through it.

“But I'm still here. I'm stubborn that way”.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You are too”.

You weren't sure where he was going with this.

“...I can tell from how long it took for me to convince you to help me up”.

You snickered.

“Sorry. I was a little overwhelmed”.

“No, it's ok. It shows that you're a fighter”.

Your smile dropped.

“Don't let anything tell you different”.

Not knowing what to say, you looked at him with tired eyes.

“Plus, you were worried about not knowing anyone, but as you can see that's not the case”, he gestured to himself.

“Yeah, ” you sniffed.

“Guess not”.

He sat up, shaking off the affects of the gas, and began walking towards the door.

You were mystified by this stranger's kindness.

As he approached the exit, you spoke.

“Hey, I never got your name”.

He smiled a little.

“Names Jason Todd. Just call my number if you need a friend. Or a crime-fighting partner”.

He walked out, and you stared after him, confused. As you moved to get out of the bed, your hand brushed a piece of paper. You gazed down, examining it. Scrawled in thin handwriting was the message:

“(900) 720-2660. Keep pushing forward. You're not going to feel alone forever”.

A tear rolled down your cheek. He was so kind, and you were so relieved by his actions.

As you were mulling over what just happened, you heard a knock at your door.

“Hey, can I come in?”

It was Dick’s voice.

“Yeah, ” you said hurriedly, wiping away your tears.

He entered, looking cautious.

“Was that just a guy in your room? It's fine if it was, but I just wanted to make sure there wasn't an intruder and-”

“It was a guy named Jason”.

“...What?!”

“Yeah, he passed out on my floor.”

Dick stormed out, fuming. You heard him yell in exasperation in the hallway.

“How’d he even get in here?!”

You laughed. It seemed like he knew Jason, and you were very curious to get the backstory.

Excitedly you realized,

“Now I have something to talk with everyone about...and a new friend”.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

[thewildomega]

Broken but not Shattered Ch.13

Looking all around the unfamiliar place you held your bag to you as you walked through the station. Just where the hell were they? Growling when you got to the entrance and found no one there you sighed. So much for meeting you here. 

"Can I help you there miss, you've walked through here several times now." 

Glancing to the station workers when he spoke to you, you stiffened. You couldn't exactly tell the no-maj that you were supposed to meet your parents here instead of taking a portkey or Floo back to your home in America . Nor how you had no way of contacting them or vise versa because witches and wizards didn't use phones. When he walked closer to you with his brows raised you swallowed hard. 

"Are you lost? I can call the police and they can help you get sorted out." 

No not the police. Then you really would be in a mess. Quick think of something. "Spinner's End. I need to get to Spinner's End." 

Coming to a stop in front of the young woman he rose his brows. "You want to go to Spinner's End?"

He sounded skeptical. "Yes. M..my friend lives there."

"Ugh-huh." Looking over the girl he let out a sigh. "Spinner's End is in Cokeworth, there is a bus that will take you there and from the stop you will want to go the whole way down, last street before the river." 

Grinning you nodded. "Thank you sir. And ugh... when does the next bus leave." 

Sighing and adjusting his footing he looked to his pocket watch. "The next one will go out in a little over an hour." 

"Alright then. Thank you again." Quickly walking away from the man you moved out front to sit on the bench. Looking over the city you sighed. It was a nice looking city, maybe one day you and Severus could walk around and he could show you some of the places. Feeling eyes on you you cast a sideways glance to the right and saw a few sketchy men looking your way. Clearing your throat you crossed your legs and reached into your bag to pull out your book. Might as well read until the bus gets here. 

You weren't expecting the bus ride to take so long and when you stepped off along with only one other person you had to stretch your back from where you had been sitting so long. It was nearly dark now and you bit your lip as you looked around the strange place lined with brick homes that were pretty much all alike. Lily lived somewhere here, you recalled her saying she lived in Cokeworth. You would think about finding her home but well she hadn't really went out of her way to talk to you all school year. The one time she had been paired with you in divinations she had quickly shut you down when you tried to talk to her about Severus. No it was best to find your alpha, you only hoped he was home. 

Walking down the streets you watched as the lights came on as the sun started going down. Reading over all the street signs you kept your eye out for Spinner's End. Making your way down to the river which you saw was extremely polluted, you looked down the road and saw the streets lamps there flickering, only a few working at all. Turning to the sign you walked over and sure enough that was it. Making your way down the road that had many potholes and dying grass growing up in between cracks you licked your lips. You didn't exactly know how you would find Severus's home, you didn't know the number but you did have one trick up your sleeve. Focusing on that pulling feeling in your heart you walked along the run down houses. Glancing from one to the other you startled when a hackling cough sounded from your left. Ignoring the woman who eyed you like you were trespassing you took a deep breath. About midway down you felt that pull leading you a different way and blinked. Turning to the left you saw the same house as the others, this one having a trash can out front with the lid partially on. Titling your head a little you swallowed hard before making your way to the front door. Making sure your hair and clothes were in order you took a deep breath as you raised your hand and lightly knocked three times on the door. 

There was no answer or sound from the other side, the whole street deathly quiet. Looking down you felt your hopes dwindle and let out a sigh as you moved to step off the platform but before you could take that step the door was opening. Turning around you straightened up when you saw a woman standing there. She was a medium height woman with a thin build and long face. Her hair was inky black and instantly you knew where Severus got it from. Her brown eyes looked very solemn down at you but still you smiled nonetheless. 

"Can I help you?"

"Hello ma'am my name is Y/n L/n. I.. well I was wondering if I could see Severus."

"You go to school with Severus." 

"Yes ma'am." Watching the woman nod her head before she turned to look back inside the home you felt your nerves eating at you. Feeling the start of rain you glanced up to the dark sky. 

Looking back to the female she sighed when she saw it was raining. "Come inside." 

Seeing the woman open the door for you to step in you thanked her and saw her nod again but not say a word. As she called out for Severus you looked around the home. It was small, like really small. The floors were wooden and the walls mostly bare except for the bookcase that held so many books it looked like the old shelves would crumble. As far as furniture went there was an old couch that looked higher on one side than the other, an armchair that had seen better days and a small end table with a full ashtray on it and a lamp. The doorway that was open led to what you guessed was the kitchen by the small amount you could see through the crack. The home was very dreary looking and smelled old, damp. When the creaking of old floorboards caught your ears you looked to the small staircase to see familiar long legs making their way down. he obviously wasn't expecting to see you as his eyes went a bit wide and his lips parted. "Hi." you greeted with a smile and wave. "Long time no see." 

"Yo... you are here." quickly making his way down the stairs he came to stand in front of his omega. "Why are you here?" he questioned, still trying to process her being in his home. 

"Long story, not too sure myself actually." you shrugged. "I did get to take my first bus ride though... not something I care to do again." 

Blinking he glanced to his mother who was standing in the doorway to the kitchen looking to them. Clearing his throat he took Y/n's hand in his and turned to his mother, pulling his female into his side and placing his hand on her lower back. Looking down to his love and then up to his mother he took a deep breath. "Mother this is Y/n... my mate." 

You saw the woman's eyes go wide for a second before the returned to their normal look, he had not mentioned you before. While it did make you feel a little hurt you quickly shrugged it off, knowing Severus was a private person. When she turned her eyes from her son to you, you smiled again. 

"Y/n, this is my mother Elieen." Watching her walk closer to them he kept he stood tall and watched silently as his mother looked his female over before the smallest of grins came to her face, something he had not seen in many years. 

"It is a pleasure to meet you Y/n. You are American?"

"Yes ma'am." 

"You look familiar" 

"Well my mom said that you and her went to school together, Leatha l/n or well Macmillan back then." 

Humming she nodded. "Yes that is what it is. Your father is American then?"

"Yes ma'am, she moved to Montana with him when they were married." 

"I have not seen her since we graduated." 

"Yea she doesn't really come back here that often. She did say that she would like to have dinner together one day." 

Nodding she looked to the female "Perhaps." Glancing to the clock and then to her son she blinked, "Your father will be home soon. Today is Saturday." 

Watching the woman walk back into the kitchen after that you furrowed your brows some before looking up to Severus, noticing his lips were set in a straight line. "Sev?"

Taking a deep breath he dropped his eyes to her blue ones and blinked. Seeing confusion in her eyes he lifted the corner of his lip to give her a small grin before pulling her to the couch. Moving her to sit on the side that was in the best shape he took her bag from her and sent it to his room. 

"Show off." you said wanting to make him smile just a bit. 

Chuckling lightly he looked around the room before rubbing the back of his head, "Um would you like some tea?" he asked. He had never had anyone over to his home, in fact he wasn't sure this place had ever welcomed a guest. When she smiled softly at him he nodded. "I will be right back just stay here alright?" when she gave him a small nod he made his way into the kitchen, shutting the door back behind him. Seeing his mother at the table, reading with a cup of coffee in front of her he sighed and moved around to make his darling a cup of tea with the help of his magic. 

"She seems nice." 

Snapping his eyes to his mother as the tea steeped he licked his lips. "She is." There was silence for a few more moments as he grabbed the only other clean cup, wiping it out just in case, and moved to pour her tea. 

"A Macmillan... do they know what you are?"

A half blood. "Her parents do yes." he answered and heard her hum. That was all of the conversation. Walking out of the kitchen he carried her cup and pulled the door back closed as he moved over beside her on the couch, seeing her eyes looking over the dusty books. 

Taking the cup when he held it out for you, you smiled at him. "Thank you." 

Looking her over he noticed her hair was a bit wet but then again it was raining out, other than that she looked fine. "So are you going to tell me what happened? Why you are in England and not America."

Swallowing the tea in your mouth you hummed and looked to him. "I don't know. I had said goodbye to you and was on the way to the Hog's head Inn to use Mr. Dumbledore's floo when this owl dropped a letter in my hands. It was from my parents, something about them having errands to do here in London and how they were staying at some place called the Leaky Cauldron and that they were going to pick me up at the station. I ran back to the train and just did make it on in time but when I tried to find you one of the prefects pretty much shoved me into one of the compartments which just so happened to have Alice and Frank in it." 

Raising a brow he saw her nod. 

"Yea. I guess it could have been worse."

"And then?"

"And then when I got off the train I still couldn't find you or my parents and I got lost, this no-maj train worker kept watching me and asking questions, saying he was going to call the police so I quickly told him I was trying to get to Spinner's End... because I remembered that's where you said you lived. He told me to take the bus which was horrible by the way and so now I'm here." 

Humming he thought over everything she had just said. "You are sure your parents said they were going to pick you up there?"

"Yes but they weren't there, I walked around that place like four times and then waited around for a long time they never showed up." 

"So what are you going to do now?" 

"I don't know probably just go to this Leaky Cauldron place and see if I can find them there." 

"Well the Leaky Cauldron is back in London."

"Of course it is." Humming you gave a large smile when a idea popped in your head. 

"What?"

"You could always just Apperate me there." 

Smirking he looked down at he with a raised brow. "Using me are you darling?"

"No but if you don't want to that's fine, I will have to just catch the next bus and deal with the No-maj men trying to talk me into going home with them for a fun time."

His smirk instantly fell, a deep frown with tightly knit brows overtaking his features. "What?" he growled and watched her drink more of her tea but not say a word. "You are joking." 

Humming you grimaced, "I wish I was." 

"You are never riding the...." before he could finish his sentence the front door was opening and he stiffened. 

Looking over to the door you saw a man hurrying in out of the rain that looked to be stopping. You only saw his back for a moment as he shut the door and noticed he was wearing a pair of dirty navy blue pants with a white button up shirt and suspenders. He had short dark brown maybe black hair and as he turned to you, you saw his face was shaved and he had a cigarette in his mouth. As two familiar black eyes looked to you, you saw one of his brows raise. 

"Who is this? Why is she here so late?"

Swallowing hard he stood from the couch and looked to his father. "This is Y/n, my girlfriend." Seeing the man look to him through his always lidded eyes before he looked back down to his female he felt anxious. 

Puffing on the cigarette before he removed it from his mouth he stared over the girl, looking her over from head to toe as she stood beside his son. "Girlfriend huh, didn't think you would be able to get one of those."

Feeling your brow twitch you masked it, taking Severus's hand and looking to his dad before smiling. "Well he did, that's me." you spoke trying to lighten the mood. Taking a deep breath when the man's face remained the same you gave another smile although this one was harder to hold, "Like Sev said my name is Y/n, Y/n L/n, it's nice to meet you sir." 

"You're American." he spoke and heard her hum softly, continuing to study the girl he put his cigarette back between his lips. She was cute, he would give his son that but it still didn't account for her being in his house. "You a witch too?" he huffed

"Yes." you answered, stroking the back of Severus's hand when you sensed him becoming irritated.

Looking back to his son he blinked and breathed in his lung full of smoke. "When did you get back?"

"Well considering this is the first time you have seen me in seven months I thought it would be obvious." Seeing Tobias's eyes narrow at him he stood tall. 

Biting down on the tobacco he caught sigh of something on the table and noticed it was his cup, filled halfway with his tea. Snapping his eyes back to his son he let out a puff of smoke before turning and walking into the kitchen. 

As soon as his father was out of the room he turned to her, he had seen the look in his father's eyes, a look he knew all too well. "Come on." Pulling her towards the stairs he stopped when he heard his father call for him in his deep voice. Licking his lips he took another breath. Leaning down to speak into her ear he closed his eyes. "You go up to my bedroom and you close the door. You stay there, do not come out no matter what you hear."

Furrowing your brows you looked up to him "Sev?"

"Do as I say." Hearing her barely audible gasp at the tone he had spoke in he knew she understood that he had given her an order. He hated doing it but he knew he had no choice. 

"SEVERUS!"

Tensing he ran his nose up her jaw, breathing in her scent for a moment to help give him strength. "Up the stairs and to the left. Go now and stay quiet." When she nodded slowly he let go of her hand and watched her make her way up the rickety stairs. As soon as she made it to the top he hurried over and grabbed her tea cup, swallowing the rest of it down and walking to the front door. Opening and closing it loud enough they could hear he took his wand from his pocket and cast a concealment charm towards his room. Taking a deep breath he walked into the kitchen and was instantly struck so hard he stumbled slightly into the oven. 

"You come the first time I call you boy!"

Standing back straight he looked up to see his father's angry face starring at him, his mother still sitting at the kitchen table ignoring all around her like she always did. Sitting the cup on the oven he heard as Tobias lit up another cigarette. 

"You think you can bring your little whore into my house and give her the tea I pay for?"

Snapping his eyes up to the man he glared at him. "Do. Not. Call. Her. That." he growled but the air was quickly knocked from him when his father's fist collided with his stomach so hard he felt sick. 

"Who the fuck are you talking to?!" he roared. "Every year it's the same with you, you get back from that damn freak school and you think you're mister high and mighty. Well let me tell you something you fucking chav..."

Sitting on Severus's trunk that was tucked into the corner of the small dingy room with your knees pulled up to your chest, you had to cover your mouth to hold back your cries as you listened to what was going on bellow you. With every slam, thump and yell you felt more tears roll down you cheeks and across your fingers. There was an awful pain in your heart, the pulling more intense than you had ever felt but you could not move. You had to stay in his room, your alpha had given you an order and had to follow it, you had no choice. When a pain filled groan that you could not mistake for anyone else but your beloved floated up through the old floorboards you felt your heart shatter. 

"Where did she go?! She needs to see what a pathetic skiver you are! If the bitch is smart she will find a real man!""

Stiffening when you heard the No-maj man yell you felt your eyes go wide as he started stomping his way up the old stairs. 

"S.ssshe l...left!" 

Severus's voice, it sounded so pained. Hearing the boots coming up the stairs you held your breath as the door slammed open, your hand gripping your wand. Seeing the horrible man walk into the room some and look around and then to you, you shook with fear but when his eyes only narrowed and did another sweep of the room you furrowed your brows. Did he not see you? Then it clicked, Severus. Hearing Tobias huff as he turned around and left you listened again as he walked down the stairs. 

"Elieen!"

Hearing a scuff on the floor and then footsteps, one heavy and one light you breathed slowly. 

"Clean up this mess boy." 

The slamming of another door downstairs was heard and then the house fell silent. Sitting on the trunk, your whole body shaking, you waited and listened but heard nothing for a while. You wanted to call out for him, for your alpha but the fear that his parents were still here stopped you. A small thump and then another forced your body to tense up again and you waited to hear more yelling but none came. Spaced out footsteps slowly sounded on the stairs and the closer they got you could also hear what sounded like labored breathing. As the door pushed open slowly again from where it had swung shut some you jumped up from the trunk when you saw it was your Severus. "Sev." 

His whole body hurt but he still relished when she hurried over to him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. Standing in the middle of his room he slowly moved his arms around her, resting his sore cheek on the top of her head and closing his eyes. He would have been happy to stay like this for a while but all too soon she was pulling away and he heard her gasp. 

Feeling more tears fill your eyes as you looked at the man you loved you shook your head lightly. How could a parent do this to their own child? You didn't know if his mother had been a part of it but even if she hadn't she had still allowed it. "Sev.."

"It's alright." he spoke, trying to assure her. Opening his eyes some he saw her crying and shaking her head. "Darling..."

"No. This is not alright, this is not okay." you told him, your voice thick with emotion. "We have to tell someone, we have to..."

"No Y/n." Swallowing hard he looked down at her and tried to stand more straight. "Three months. I only have to put up with it for three more months and then we go back to Hogwarts for our last year and then I am free." Seeing the way she was frowning at him he sighed. "Love I have been putting up with this my entire life, I can take three months more."

Still frowning you looked away from him, closing your eyes you took a deep breath. Without a word you walked out of his room and across to where you had seen a bathroom. Glancing to the cabinets you started going through them until you found a washrag. Turning on the tap you waited until the water turned hot which took a bit before wetting it and wringing it out. Walking back into his room you shut and locked his door. Spinning around you saw him standing where you had left him, his eyes quickly lifting to yours. Seeing him look down to the rag in your hand and then go to speak you quickly cut him off. "Hush."

Snapping his mouth shut at the tone of her voice he allowed her to pull him over to his bed, sitting on it when she gave a small push. Feeling her lift his chin and tilt his face to the side before she went about cleaning the no doubt bruise there he gave a small wince but said nothing.

Dabbing gently at the small cut along his cheek bone, neither of you said a word. Once that one and the one along his jaw was clean you glanced down to his body and licked your lips as you dropped your fingers to the buttons of his shirt. He seemed to stiffen a bit when you started undoing his shirt but with one look from you he dropped his eyes back down and allowed you to do as you wished. Helping to ease his shirt off his shoulders you hard to swallow hard at the lump returning in the back of your throat when you saw the deep colored bruises already forming on his ribs and stomach.

Reaching up to cup her cheek he brushed away her tears with his thumb. "Shhh... please do not cry my girl. You know it hurts my heart to see you cry." 

"Yea well it hurts my heart to see you hurt so." you whimpered and saw his head tilt some and his brows furrow. 

Sighing he pulled her to him by her shirt hem, spreading his knees so she could stand directly between them. Hugging her middle he laid his head on her chest, "It is not that bad darling.." Hearing her scoff he grinned sadly, "Truly it is not." And it wasn't. He had endured worst, so much worst, like the time he had woken up hours later on the floor, barely able to move for the next week. "Having you here with me makes up for any pain." 

Taking a deep breath you sighed softly and wrapped your arms around him, threading your fingers through his hair after a bit. When he decided he wanted to lay down you quickly followed him as his hand pulled you down onto the old bed with him once the both of you had kicked off your shoes. Laying beside him you scanned your eyes over his handsome but beaten face, your fingers tenderly stroking his jaw and neck as he just seemed to stare at you. 

There wasn't much light in his room, just a small ray where the distant street light was and then the occasional strike of lightning from where it was now storming outside. Still he was able to see her enough, watch her lashes flutter when she blinked slowly, watch her beautiful feral blue eyes roam over his own face. Dropping his eyes to her lips he felt that craving ignite. Oh how he loved those luscious lips, the way they looked, the way the felt, the way they tasted. Not being able to help himself any longer he dipped his head to kiss her. 

Spreading your hand so it laid flat against his bare chest, you kiss him back with just as much passion. When you feel his tongue ask for entrance you are quick to grant it, opening your mouth for his warm muscle to explore. Rolling your tongue in time with his you felt his hand move to your hip, pushing under your shirt to rub your skin with his hand. You loved the taste of him, loved how it made you feel slightly dazed. The first time the two of you had made out like this you had wanted nothing more than to keep your mouth connected to his forever. However this time you were feeling a bit more held back and you knew why. That damn amulet around your neck. It's pressure grew in times like these and you knew it was the magic trying to hold back all the true desires and feelings you were supposed to be experiencing with your alpha. Feeling Severus's hand move to your lower back to pull your body flush to his you breathed in sharply through your nose when you felt his obvious arousal push into your thigh. As the amulet became almost like a weight you broke from his mouth. 

Snapping his eyes open he knit his brows. "Y/n?" Going to question what was wrong, if he had done something wrong the question was quickly answered when he saw her pulling the leather cord over her head. Blinking he swallowed hard, "Luv I don't think..." 

Freeing your hair from it you dropped the accursed thing to the floor and instantly pushed your lips back to his, cutting him off. Hearing him breath in before he let out a small growl, his hands moving to pull you back to him you smirked around his mouth. Rubbing your own hand up his chest you couldn't hold back the small mewl at being able to taste him fully again. 

Kissing down her chin and along her jaw he felt that need for more taking over. As his mouth moved down her neck he started placing open mouth kisses accompanied by small sucks and light nips along her skin. When her shirt collar suddenly blocked his way he growled and tugged on the thing. Lapping at his claiming mark he gave a slightly harder bite making her gasp softly. All too soon though her shirt was in the way again and the alpha in him had had enough. Grabbing the hem he began pulling it up. 

Getting the hint you helped him remove the article of clothing from your body, watching out of the corner of your eye as he tossed it somewhere behind you. You thought he would go back to kissing and sucking your neck but his eyes were stuck on your chest, you were happy you had decided to wear your black bra today.  

Admiring her chest he licked his lips as he leaned forward to kiss along her collarbone, flicking his tongue out to trace her throat. He could feel her hands on him, rubbing his side and gripping his shoulder. Kissing his way down her sternum to the middle of her breasts and then over each as much as he could with her bra on he rubbed his hand up her hip and around to her back. Nipping at her soft mound he heard her gasp softly again and chuckled softly. Trailing his hand up her spine to the clasp of her bra he unhooked it, taking a few tries to do it successfully. He waited for her to ask him to stop but she didn't so he slowly rubbed his hand up her arm to pull the strap from her shoulder. Rolling her to her back so that her bra could be taken off easier he felt his mouth water when he was finally able to see her breasts with his own eyes. 

He stared at your chest for some time but he must have learned his lesson from last time because he was soon dipping his head down to kiss, lick, do anything he could do with his mouth to give your breasts attention. 

Peppering her fleshy mounds with kisses he closed his eyes and felt his cock harden even more, if it were possible. "Oh my beautiful, stunning girl..." Getting to one of her nipples he first licked at the nub with the flat of his tongue and grinned a little when he felt her flinch. Opening his mouth he took the whole of her pert nipple into his mouth and gave a suck. Bringing up his arm that wasn't holding himself up he cupped her other tit, gently massaging it in his palm. 

Gasping softly your eyes slipped close and your head fell back to the thin pillow in bliss. When his hot mouth sucked at your nipple and bit down gently you couldn't stop the soft moan from leaving your lips but as soon as you realized what you had done your eyes went wide and your hand moved up to cover you mouth. 

Hearing her moan had to be one of the sweetest sounds he had ever heard and it in turn caused a low growl, purr like sound to rumble in his throat. Kissing across her chest to give her other nipple the same treatment he was confused by the muffle sound to this moan and looked up. Seeing her hand covering her mouth with her eyes closed tight and a blush about her cheeks he knit his brows. Reaching up to grab her wrist he pulled her hand away from her mouth and pinched her nipple between his teeth. Hearing her let out a noise that was a moan and whimper together he pinned her wrist down beside her, looking her in the eyes when she tried to pull it away from him. "I want to hear you." he told her, licking over where he had just bit. 

Still embarrassed by the noises he was bringing out of you, you tried to hold them back still but he seemed to take this as a challenge and soon he had you gasping and moaning from the work of his mouth. Crying out at one particular hard suck you looked down at him as he pulled away, watching him lap over the area to sooth the pain away. 

While he loved her breast the alpha in him was persistent to have more of his omega and in all honesty he wasn't much trying to hold the urges back. Peppering her chest and neck with kisses he moved his one hand down to the button of her pants. Easily unbuttoning the jeans and slowly pulling down her zipper he lapped at his claiming mark. Tracing the top of her knickers with his fingertips he grit his teeth and took a deep breath, giving her the chance to tell him to stop. When she said nothing he kissed over her neck and back up her jaw to find her lips. Slipping his hand into her pants he let out a low growl at the wetness he found there. 

Moaning into his mouth when he began touching your most intimate place you gripped his bicep harder. When his finger slowly entered you, you had to break from his mouth to gasp out. Tilting your head a bit as Severus kissed along your neck and throat you heard him growl low and deep. 

Slowly working his finger in and out of her he sucked at her neck and grinned when her fingers clung to him. "Does it feel good darling?" he asked and felt her nod. Smiling he continued for a few moments more until he removed his hand from her pants and pushed himself up to kneel on the bed. Grinning at her when he saw her worried look he pushed his fingers in the waist of her jeans and peeled them off. Dropping them to the floor he looked over her bare legs and licked his lips as he reached out to rub them. She was so soft, her skin was smooth and he couldn't get enough of it. Stroking his hands up her legs he saw her watching him and grinned softly. Dropping his eyes to her last item of clothing he felt the alpha rattling the bars. Hooking his fingers into the black cotton he eased them down her legs, her knees staying bent as he removed them from around her ankles and dropped them to the bed behind him. 

Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest and you were sure your face was as red as a tomato. He hadn't said anything, his hands going back to rubbing up and down your thighs. When one of his hands rounded your knee to caress the inside of your thigh and gently urge you to part your legs you swallowed hard. You looked anywhere but his face as your legs were placed on either side of him, giving him full view of your body. Feeling his hand return to stroking your legs, inching their way further south you closed your eyes as that warmth spread throughout your body. 

"You are so bewitching my love." he praised as he took her all it. His cock was now throbbing but he wanted to take this slow, savor their first time.

"Not really fair that I am the only one naked." you spoke softly.

Seeing her avoiding his eyes he chuckled softly at her bashfulness. "Then I shall even the odds sweetheart." Rubbing up to her knees he pulled his hands away from her for a moment so that he could unbutton his own pants. Pushing both down to his knees he saw her eyes glance to him before she quickly looked away when she realized she had been caught making him smirk. Leaning over her he saw her eyes look up to meet his as he kicked off his clothes. Stroking her cheek with his knuckles he stared into her mesmerizing eyes, what they were about to do hitting him. Licking his lips he pressed his forehead to hers, "Are you sure you want to do this? We do not have to Y/n, I do not want you to feel pressured into anything." While yes he wanted nothing more at the moment he would stop, he would force himself to stop if she wasn't ready. 

Taking a deep inhale of his scent you let it out in a shaky breath as you looked up at your alpha. His eyes were closed and his black hair was falling down around the both of your faces like curtains. Brushing his jaw with your fingertips you smiled and let them move down his neck and over his collarbone so you could wrap your arm under his to hold his shoulder blade. "I want this. I want you, to be one with you." Kissing lightly over the bruise along his jaw you grinned. "So long as you promise it won't bother you that I'll no longer be a virgin when we are married." 

Chuckling he lowered his body to hers and peppered her cheek with kisses. "I think I will be able to forgive you if you can forgive me." Hearing her light giggle he looked down at her one last time and took a deep breath, her untampered scent making his brain cloud with haze. "I love you." 

Smiling softly you looked into his lustful black eyes, "I love you too." 

Feeling his heart swell he dipped his head to catch her lips in a kiss. Deeping the kiss to distract her moved the arm that wasn't holding him up down between their bodies so that he could line the head of his member up with her sex. He could not stop the low growl in his throat as her warm wetness coated his sensitive head. Ever slowly he entered her and felt her tense slightly under him. When the two of them broke from each other's mouth he grit his teeth at how tight she was around him. 

At first it was an odd feeling, a pressure invading your body but then suddenly something stuck you and you gasped. 

He felt her tense but he thought it was only her adjusting so he continued in, his own pleasure clouding his mind for a moment. Then however he heard her let out a cry of pain and he stilled. Looking down he saw her lip trembling and a tear roll from her eye causing his heart to constrict. He was such an idiot, a selfish idiot, he had been so caught up in his own pleasure that he had forgotten about her. He knew women had hymens and he had just tore hers, no wonder she was in pain. "I am sorry, I'm so sorry my love." he said, placing kisses over her cheeks and lips. Keeping completely still he let her adjust to his girth. "It is alright darling. It will pass. Shhh." he told her gently and felt her nuzzle her face into his neck and hold onto his back. Purring for her to help sooth her he rubbed her hair and continued kissing her face. He waited until she softly whispered that she was ready before he pulled back almost completely out of her and agonizingly slow rolled his hips forward. Feeling her tense a little he quickly purred and kissed her neck. 

When Severus took one of your hands with his free one to hold it down by your head, lacing his fingers with yours, you felt the pain easing away. All too soon you felt pleasure overtaking the pain. Holding onto his back you felt your mouth fall open when he thrusted in a little deeper this time. Each time he pulled out and rolled his hips back into yours he let his cock go deeper inside of you until soon you felt his lower half meet yours. Moaning when it rubbed against a sensitive area inside of you you let your eyes flutter close. 

He groaned and grunted with every thrust of his hips. She was so perfect, she fit him like she was made for him. Kissing her neck and over his claiming mark, he caged her in with his body and felt the alpha in him now bending the bars. Sucking on her soft skin he growled when her walls tightened around his cock. He wasn't going to last long, not with the way she was squeezing him. 

Whimpering when an intense pressure built in your pelvis you dug your fingers into his back. Kissing him back as his mouth found yours again you wined for something although you didn't exactly know what only that your mate could give it to you. Severus thrusted into you only a few more times before that pressure became too much and it felt like something in you snapped. All you felt after that was a pleasure like you had never felt before. 

Hearing his omega make the most seductive noises sent him spiraling over the edge without warning. With a loud grunt he pushed in as deep as he could and filled her with his seed. A sharp pain on his neck made him tense but it didn't stop the immense bliss he was feeling, if anything the alpha in him seemed to relish it. Holding her tightly he growled into her shoulder and lazily rolled his hips, riding out the last of his climax. Soon she went limp under him and released his flesh, feeling her lightly lick over the claiming bite he now realized she had placed on him. He hissed as he pulled out of her.  Rolling beside her before his body could fall on her, he pulled the covers over them and helped her to cuddle up in his side with her head on his chest. His bed wasn't big, it barely fit the both of them but it just meant they would have to be closer. Breathing heavily he looked down at her and smiled softly, she was sleeping. Lifting his heavy arm to brush the hair out of her face he noticed the slight red stain to her lips when the flash of lightning filled the room and grinned. Now they truly were bonded mates. The bite was painful now that his high was dwindling down but he didn't mind. Settling down he drew patterns on her back with his fingers "I love you, my omega."

....................................

Waking up early the next morning he opened his eyes and blinked away sleep. Seeing only a small amount of light coming in through the window he knew it had to be around six or so. He had woken once last night when he heard the front door close downstairs and the sound of his mother and father making their way up the stairs. From the stumbling sound he knew his father had been drinking and held his breath when he got on the landing of the stairs. To his luck though they had simply went to their own room, the sound of the door closing making him relax.

Feeling a pressure on his chest and side he glanced down to his omega and smiled when he remembered what had happened last night. She was still nude now, her arm thrown over his body with her legs wrapped around one of his and her cheek on his chest. How he wished they could stay like this forever but he knew they couldn't. He also knew that he needed to get her out of his house before his parents woke up, more importantly his father. Taking a deep breath he gently rubbed her back and bent his head to kiss her forehead. "We have to get up my girl." he told her in a low voice but saw her only nuzzle his chest more, contempt on sleeping in. Sighing he brushed back her hair and hugged her to him. "I know you want to sleep my love but we can not. Come on darling I have to get you to the Leaky Cauldron remember?" 

Whimpering you tightened your hold on him and heard him sigh out your name. Forcing your heavy eyes open you looked across his room before raising your eyes to his. "We make love and now you want to kick me out." 

Frowning he kissed her pouting lips. "I do not want to but I have to get you out of this house before my parents wake up. It will be the only time, I promise you dearest the next time we make love I will shower you with all the care and attention you deserve." Kissing her once more he rubbed her shoulder. "Come on now darling." 

Sitting up you winced and so did he but you knew it was from two different reasons. Sitting on his bed with the thin blanket wrapped around you for a moment to get your barings you watched him get dressed, enjoying the view but furrowing your brows when you saw the bruises that spotted his body from where his father had beat him. When he came to you with your clothes in his hands you grinned sleepily at him. 

Helping her dress he swallowed hard at the sight of the love marks on her body and the few on her neck. Her father was going to skin him alive. When she moved to pull on her pants he grabbed his wand and pointed it to the hickies on her neck. Healing them the best he could he used a concealment charm on the rest of them. Crouching down to help her put on her shoes he froze when he felt her brush his hair to the side to and lean down to lick over the bite she had placed there last night. Breathing out slowly he closed his eyes for a moment.

Kissing your claiming mark tenderly you smiled at him when he lifted his eyes to yours. Wrapping your arms around his neck when he finished tying your shoes you both took a second to take in each other and all that had happened. Kissing him slowly you felt your heart throb with the love you felt for your alpha. But all too soon the both of you had to get on with the day and he stood back up, holding out his hand for you to take. 

Grabbing her bag and putting it over his shoulder for now he looked around the room to make sure she had everything. Quickly catching sight of the amulet just under the bed he moved over to grab it for her. "Do not forget this." 

Fixing yoru hair as he slipped the leather cord back over your head you looked down at the amulet and furrowed your brows. 

Seeing her look he knit his brows, "What is it?"

Opening and closing your mouth you tried to think on what to say. "I..." Something was different, it was like that weight was no longer there. Come to think of it the stone wasn't even shining anymore. Taking a deep breath you shook your head and looked up to him. "Nothing." Seeing him still looking at you you took his hand. "Ready?"

Nodding he wrapped his arms around her and focused on the Leaky Cauldron before aperating there. Releasing her as they arrived he looked around to see not many people there yet this early in the morning. 

"Can I help you two?"

Looking over to the woman you grinned. "Good morning. I am supposed to be meeting my parents here, L/n." 

"Ah yes, room four my dear." 

Nodding and thanking the woman you turned to look back to Severus with a sad grin. "As much as I would love for you to stay I don't think my dad is going to be very happy when he finds out I spent the night with you last night."

"Nor the fact he can smell me on you." he added making her blush. 

Standing there for a moment you looked up to him and the bruises on his face. Bringing your hand up to cup his cheek you furrowed your brows. "Sev I can talk to my parents, I know they will let you come stay with us this summer if they knew."

Shaking his head he placed his hand over hers. "No Y/n. I will not burden your parents."

"You're not a burden..."

"No." Taking a deep breath he took her hand in his. "My father is going to get me a job with him at the mill, as much as I despise the thought of working in the muggle world I am going to take it." Seeing her confusion he grinned. "If I work this summer then I will be able to save up some money for when we finish school. If I can keep my grades up all year then I  will graduate with honors and then I will be able to get a good job and rent an apartment or somewhere. Then we will get married and start our life together, the life we have talked about." 

Smiling with a mixture of happiness and sadness you looked up to him. "Then I will save up my money from the bar this summer too." Seeing him grin you squeezed his hand. "Promise me you'll write, I know you won't be able to come see me as much with both of us working but you have to write."

Pushing his hand into her hair to cup the back of her skull he pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. "Everyday my love." he promised her. Closing his eyes he breathed in her scent, it wasn't blocked like it normally was but he just figured was the leftover scent from where they had sex. Hugging her close he dipped his head to kiss her lips. "I love you my girl, so very much." 

"I love you too Sev. Always."

Smiling he kissed her one last time. "Always." 

Standing on your toes to kiss him again you pulled away and saw him stand there for a moment watching you as you made your way to the stairs. Blowing him a kiss you saw him smile before he was gone. 

.......................................

That had been the last time you had saw him, or at least your Severus.  That wonderful night of passion had been one of your last moments of happiness before everything went to hell. He himself had changed so much in those three years, no longer was he the man you remembered. But you wouldn't think about those events now. No, you wanted your last thoughts to be of him, of the man you loved so deeply. How you wished the plans the two of you had would have become reality. What you wouldn't give to go back to that last moment and change things for the better. But alas you couldn't and this would be how your story would end. Swallowing more of the blood coming up you used your last remaining strength to glance down to your frozen hand. Snow had fallen to cover most of you in a thin sheet but still you could just barely make out the small vial in your hand. Always. If only it were true. Feeling a few last tears roll down your cheeks you struggled to keep your eyes open, "I..llove..yyou..sssevv."

Then there was nothing.

.....................................

Bursting through the door to the run down home he looked around as he panted for air. It was pitch dark inside, the only light coming from the full moon. The agonizing pain in his chest had stopped now, leaving him with only a cold emptiness where his heart was. Swallowing hard his chest heaved as he looked around, running from one room to the next. "Y/N!?" Hearing no response he ran up the stairs three at a time. Checking all the bedrooms and even the bathroom he found them empty as well. Growling he gripped his hair and pulled. Just where the hell was she?! She hadn't been at the bar, he had checked all the bodies and none of them were her but there was so much blood and her wand had been there. Checking her old nest just to be sure he found it empty, only dust laying there. "Y/n?!" Bending over he tried to slow his hammering heart and then it hit him. Running from the room he practically jumped down the stairs and ran out of the house, not bothering to close the door.

The snow was knee deep in some places but he refused to let it slow him down. Running faster than he ever had in his life he hurried down the path towards the river. Seeing the reflection of the moon on the frozen surface he felt his blood run cold when the sight of a small figure beneath the willow tree grew closer. Even before he got to her, dropping to his knees in the snow he knew it was her. "No." She was hurt, she was hurt bad and she wasn't moving. Her clothes were torn at and ripped in some places, the black material sticking to her side. Snow had fallen on her telling him she had been out here for sometime. There was bruises and cuts along her beautiful face along with blood staining her lip and chin. Reaching out for her he hissed when he felt how cold she was. "Y/n?" 

There was no answer, she didn't make a sound and he felt his heart drop. Cradling her in his arm he cupped her cheek "Y/n look at me. Open your eyes." Swallowing hard he moved his head to her chest and let out a sob when he heard nothing. "NOOO! Y/n wake up! Y/n you look at me right now, that's an order!" She made no signs of life and he couldn't stop the agonizing sob to fall from his mouth nor the tears that were now running down his cheeks. Hugging her to him he kissed her frozen cheeks and cried. Opening his eyes he caught sight of something in clutched tightly in her hand. The vile he had given her, his promises to her. Crying out he closed his eyes tight and nuzzled her. "Please! Please my love, don't leave me again!" 

When the smallest of whines met his ears he stiffened, that emptiness in his chest dulling just a bit. Pulling back he stared down at her and saw she was still not moving. Licking his lips he looked down to her, watching her carefully. "Omega?" It took a few seconds but he heard it, that weak whimper that told him his mate was alive. Knowing he had to act quickly or else he might loose her entirely he stood with her in his arms and took a shaky breath. "That is it my darling, you hold on, you keep fighting." Apperating to just outside of the gates he ran with her in his arms towards the school. It should have came as no surprise to him when he got to the front entrance to see Dumbledore and McGonagall there. 

"Good heavens what happened?"

"Hurry inside get her to the hospital wing." 

He had planned on doing that anyway but he said nothing as he hurried down the hall with the other two professors right behind him. When the doors opened he assumed it was Dumbledore's doing and quickly moved to lay her on one of the beds. Slowly pulling away from her he shook and breathed heavily, his lungs feeling like they were on fire. Before he knew it Poppy was there and he was being pulled away by two sets of hands. Still his eyes stayed on her, on the woman he loved. With the lanterns quickly being lit he was able to see her clearly and his heart clenched painfully at the sight. 

"Come on Severus dear, you have to let Poppy work." 

"Severus..."

"Severus..."

He couldn't think straight, couldn't process what they all were saying, all his attention on his dying omega. This was all his fault, everything was his fault. 

"Severus."

Closing his eyes he felt more tears fall from his eyes, "What have I done?" 

A/n: YASSS! We are finally here, we are finally in the present! So what do we think? I know there is still a lot left unanswered but all will be revealed in due time.

Tag List: @once-upon-an-imagine​ @dope-shit-bro

[flamesmemory]

Empathy

I've been mulling over this post for almost a month now. I found myself procrastinating on Exercise 8 in Psychic Witch, and realized that I needed to address the root of that worry first. I don't really identify as an empath anymore--emotions are just one of many things that I pick up on psychically, but they are some of the most intrusive, and if I can get a handle on those I figure I'll have a good chance of getting everything else under control as well.

I started by reading Esoteric Empathy by Raven Digitalis, because it seemed to take a more magical approach instead of straight New Age and I was hoping for maybe some insight and techniques I could try. It ended up being extremely frustrating because it centered on the attitude that empaths are the gifted next step for humanity here to save the world by feeling everything and being compassionate, which...no. That idea hasn't panned out any better than the whole indigo children idea. Unfortunately almost every other book I could find took a similar route: try to learn to ground and shield but otherwise just get used to the idea that it's your job to help the world.

I ended up revisiting I Don't Want To Be An Empath Anymore by Ora North, which I'd read earlier this year. I appreciated that it was less glittery New Age, but was a bit disappointed that the book focused entirely on developing healthy psychological boundaries and not on dealing with the psychic aspect of it at all. But honestly after encountering the types of attitudes that Esoteric Empathy and similar books espoused... I started to wonder if North had the right idea after all.

Part of the problem is that I have experienced legitimate psychic empathy--picking up on emotions and physical sensations that friends were experiencing, cities or states away from me, with no physical way of knowing--so I was reluctant to discount it entirely. But those experiences, while intrusive, were easier to handle with simple shield adjustments, whereas with the in-person interactions I usually have trouble with, it's like the shields aren't even there. What if the trouble I was having was coming from the normal psychological empathy side of things (from my mind trying to mirror what it thinks another person is feeling based on physical cues)?

I'm honestly kind of frustrated that psychic empathy and psychological empathy both use the same word, because I feel like not even having a separate term makes them harder to distinguish in experience (similar to how when a language doesn't have individual names for particular colors--like using the same word for both blue and green shades--the people who speak those languages have a harder time distinguishing between the shades themselves). However, long story short, the new approach has been really helpful. Staying aware and using a few well-placed affirmations about not being responsible for other people's emotions has been surprisingly effective in maintaining a more workable distance instead of constantly feeling immersed in other people's emotions.