#after all the private lessons with az

[valkyrjah]

hi, on this blog, it's canon on this blog that gwyn received the dagger that nesta made.

[infiniteetcetera]

My next weekly controversial ACOTAR post: A defense of Azriel, because if I see one more post saying he has no personality or is an incel (but also an f-boy apparently) then it’s game over

Azriel is such an interesting and complex character I think it’s an incredible shame so many readers misinterpret him just because his character is shown is small bursts rather than loud blasts. SO i’m not going to try and defend him because this man has done nothing wrong, instead I’ll provide y’all with a list of moments that prove both that Azriel DOES have a personality and that’s it’s a loveable one:

•He tells Feyre that Cassian is annoying right up front (a small thing but I appreciate it)

• He spent the night at Rita’s with Feyre, playing silly games betting on Rhys’ dating life (funny for so many reasons) and making her feel comfortable in an overwhelming situation

•Even though he’s quiet and private, he confides to Feyre he doesn’t know where he belongs after 500 years and feels he doesn’t fit in to reassure her that the feelings she’s having are normal

•He was reassuring and polite to Elain and Nesta when they first meet

•Acknowledged that it was a risk and a sacrifice for Nesta and Elain to lend them their house and was thankful rather than antagonistic or rude (*cough cough Cassian*) and met them both with a protective regard to Feyre but an open mind about their circumstances

•Is so upset by the mysogny and abuse in Illyria he straight up refuses to go there because he will not play nice and polite with these jerks like Rhys and Cas do

•In Feyre’s own words, she trusts him well enough that if Rhys was ever doing something to harm her/locking her up like Tamlin did she believes he would not only save her but deal with Rhys himself if it came to it

•Follow up on above, he spies on Amren against Rhys’ orders. When Feyre asks about it Amren says Azriel is the most disobedient of the IC (some of them could never) because he’s willing to do what is right over what Rhys thinks is right (hot)

•Gave Feyre such a stunning smile after she accepts the mating bond that Rhys is filled with jealousy and ready to attack (that is to say, this man is very pretty and deserves credit for it)

•Amren putting her head on his shoulder after battle because she’s tired and everyone (including him) is shocked but he’s polite about it and also it just radiates male worth trusting vibes

•Was literally bleeding out screaming crying throwing up poisoned and still sassed the king of Hybern for Mor and Feyre

•When Cassian is trying to make Lucien uncomfortable Azriel KICKS HIM (all the Azriel is so mean/hates Lucien people come down to reality please)

•When Cassian implies something rude about Nesta and Mor wants to join in Azriel shoots her a look to stop (yes the Az that is supposedly obsessed with Mor and her opinion of him) and Feyre describes said look as as if they had talked about it many times before so YES EVEN PRE-ACOWAR THIS MAN WAS SUPPORTING NESTA

•Feyre and Mor both agree he’s the only one with manners

•He laughed at Nesta’s sassy comment to Mor because man respects good comedy

•When Cassian makes a sexist joke and implies Az is thinking the same thing not only does Azriel not engage with his tomfoolery but Mor cuts in to defend him as the only batboy who never says such things

•Just the ENTIRE sequence of him training Feyre to fly. He’s so sweet and witty and charming

•So gentle and reassuring to Elain, offering to show her the garden and carrying her all the way up to the house

•Him taking care of Feyres injuries from the flying lessons. Again just always being so gentle and sweet. He trusts her enough not to go easy on her but isn’t cruel and overworking either

•The entire Nephelle story and just the fact Rhys gave the story to Azriel as a “gift” this boy appreciates sweet stories about underdog lesbians with wings and I love it

•Just him paying such close careful attention to Elain and recognizing she is a seer, him talking her through her visions and helping reassure her she’s not crazy (he knows what that feels like)

•Even though he hates Illyrians, he helps Cassian break the news to the families of those who lost warriors in the war

•Just “I don’t see you spouting poetry brother” “I don’t need to resort to it😩🔥”

•BE CAREFUL HOW YOU SPEAK ABOUT MY HIGH LADY

•Eris uttered the word “slut” about a woman and this man ATTACKED. Like I am an Eris stan and I know some people don’t like this scene but it’s the true feminist energy I need

•Ignoring Rhys’ order to stand down but stopping the second Feyre says something bc this man respects women’s authority (t’s literally an intentional way of demonstrating Feyres power right after she was belittled by Tamlin. people act like he was rabid in this scene but it seems so clear to me he was intentionally doing this to support his high lady)

•Was the first to realize something was wrong with Elain (also has a sweet exchange of looks with Nesta over it, like they are homegirl’s designated protectors)

•Just EVERYTHING about him volunteering to get Elain back. Whether you ship Elriel or not this was such a sweet moment. He doesn’t hesitate at all even when Nesta says it’s a death wish and everyone’s sentiment starts to change.

•Everything about him saving Elain and the human girl. Just 10/10 all around, hot, stunning, sweet, incredible, precious angel of death boy

•Az is so badly wounded after the rescue mission that Rhys and the others who see him are shocked but he refused to set Elain down (even though she’s not hurt) until Rhys takes her and the first thing he asks is for Helion to come unchain her (not anything for himself). Again just SOOO sweet and caring whether you ship Elriel or not

•Another Elriel moment but well they happen, Az giving her truth teller is just🤧 he’s never lent out this blade to his brothers or anyone else, we know it has some special brand of magic and he likely does too and he offers it to Elain to give her a sense of safety (again even if you don’t ship them it’s just so considerate)

•”Chain me to a tree Rhys, I’ll rip it out of the ground and fly with it on my damned back” LIKE TELL ME THAT ISNT HOT

•A super small moment but after the war when the boys are watching the sisters/Mor laughing and Rhys starts crying Az tells him “it’s real” and I just think the intuitive understanding and care behind that is so sweet (especially when Az is so misunderstood by his brothers)

•This sounds more like a hate comment to Rhys/Cassian than pro Az but when Rhys admits he and Cassian used to beat Azriel for hours to get him to speak to them and he never would, I think that’s such crazy determination and resolve and also he’s wayyyyy nicer than me for still putting up with them after that

•HIM REFUSING TO SPY ON LUCIEN. I just love that degree of respect it’s made even better by the fact Rhys asks about Lucien a second time bc he literally assumes Az was joking and Azriel’s just like “nope not doing it” (again people who say he hates Lucien, please)

•Him finding drunk Cassian and Feyre and trying to fix their terrible decorations the just chugging some wine himself😭 he’s so funny AND sweet

•”Sit, I’ll take care of it.” I NEED THIS ENERGY FROM EVERY MAN EVER PLEASE

•Also him telling everyone to wait for Elain because she’s literally the one who cooked and them eating before her would be rude and I just IWJDKWKDN again so hot and polite and it’s not even a romance/flirting thing bc when Elain comes back and she/Cas give him the opportunity to take credit he doesn’t at all?? He just did it because it’s right and proper

•Him insulting Amren to defend Elain (and then blushing when everyone laughs at his joke) he’s precious (and funny af)

•Him dying at Elains gift JMEKXNEKD the IC stresses him fr and he’s waiting for someone to free him

•Him being nice about Mor’s awful gifts even though she’s known him for 500 years and still gets him awful gifts and also exchanges lingerie with Cassian to his (and Nesta’s) face even though she thinks Az is in love with her

•Half compliment to Az half complaint about Cassian, but when there’s mention of all the universe research Rhys does in ACOSF Cassians like “Rhys told him and he instantly forgot” but As is super interested and listens intently and wants to learn more and I just love a boy with hobbies and interests😩

•Small thing but when he first sees Nes in the house of wind in ACOSF he smiles and is so polite and Nesta tells us for like a whole paragraph how beautiful he is and I trust that woman above all

•Also in reference to the above, Nesta chats with Az for like 10 seconds and instantly wants to train with him over Cas because she knows he’d be better to her

•Azriel blushing when Nesta calls him pretty✨ (such a sweet lover boy I swear)

•He laughs at Nesta’s insults to Cassian but holds back from laughing at Cassians✨

•The only one who literally JUST ASKS why Nesta won’t train and also sparks the idea in Cassians obtuse head that it might be because she doesn’t want to train in Illyria (VALID)

•I know people have mixed takes about how the scene is written but him asking Nesta if she was pushed down the stairs feels genuine to me, like he asks the question very pointedly serious and focuses just on Nesta, his vague amusement after is only in regard to Cassians dumb reaction but the fact he asked her and the way in which he does it (ignoring Cassians input and still waiting for Nesta’s answer) shows genuine consideration to her (still a stranger to him for all intents and purposes) over his brother’s feelings

•Him paying such careful attention to Nesta and being the only one who never starts fights with her to such a strong degree that even Nesta feels too seen by him

•Such a basic thing (but it’s not when you look at the quality of other ACOTAR men unfortunately) but when Cassian asks him if he wants kids he says it’s not his decision (like this is why I hate the anti-elriel “elain can’t bare his children” argument, I assure you Az does not gaf)

•”Azriel had never said a bad word about Nesta” and i’m not supposed to stan???

•Also the fact he doesn’t like hand to hand combat bc he doesn’t like getting covered in people’s sweat JEKKDKW I know it’s just a gag Cas jokes about but there’s something so funny and refined about that

•Him being so competitive is hot honestly😩 especially how Cassian describes it as not being in an arrogant or scary way but in a very strategic sort of manner, how he’s often the only one who can compete with Rhys (who was trained for this stuff since birth) like YES

•Az getting flustered and awkwardly walking away when he sees how Nesta is staring at him and Cas KEKKDKE i so highly appreciate his balance between confident and shy boy

•Him and Nesta smiling about Cassians stupidity, being “allies against his insanity,” again, Az just being a friend to her is so sweet (and important given it’s like the one thing Nesta needed in this book)

•Not only does he vote with Cas against keeping things from Nes but when Amren starts saying lewd things about her it’s Azriel (not Cassian bc apparently he could never) who tells her to STFU about Nesta

•Amren tells the boys NOT to touch the sword and Az is legit the only one who tries to listen (the ONLY bat boy with brain cells half the time)

•Just the fact that once he starts training the Priestesses with Cas Nesta notes a bunch of them seem to have crushes on him. Like these girls who have been so traumatized by men they can barely stand to be in public feel that comfortable with him so quickly, he just radiates safe energy

•Also a small moment but him awkwardly smiling the first time he sees Gwyn at training and just trying to act casual to not make her feel weird is so sweet.

•Him dancing with Nesta “as easily as breathing” (again, their friendship means everything to me)

•When Nesta asks him why he came to solstice if seeing Elain/Lucien hurts him and he says “Because Rhys wants me here and it’d hurt him if I didn’t come” like HEJEKNDO he’s so selfless for the people he cares about FR (especially given how Rhys talks to him that same night)

•EVERYTHING about his gift to Nesta. The fact he didn’t have to give her one in the first place (it was no one’s expectation, including hers. on the surface he didn’t even get Elain a gift so it wasn’t just a polite thing). The way the gift is literally SO SWEET AND GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL like he took care not just to get her something but to get her something that would bring her joy and be useful (and is definitely based on his observations about her avoiding the fireplace)

•ALSO when she hugs him the entire room goes silent because they’re just that shocked but he just laughs and hugs her gently and then is blushing after like ANDKEKD

•The entire relationship he forms with Gwyn and how he notes shes competitive and uses that to help inspire her in training and even when he’s teasing her he’s so potently rooting for her too

•Him being nervous about holding baby Nyx with his scarred hands like this precious angel IEKKDKW

Most Offending Thing, His Bonus Chapter (the good and the bad)

•Him scheming about a snowball fight for a whole year is hilarious

•Also him including in his plotting that Cassian would be up all night with Nesta (little did he know his boy only lasts like one round, that and Cassian being so horrified at the thought of Az finding out about him being quick off the mark with Nesta, I just know Az is the stamina king)

•Even his shadows just want him to sleep but your boy is too depressed

•I’m sorry but everything about his and Elains almost kiss is HOT people who think it was overly sexualized or something have missed all the first thoughts we get from like every SJM boy about their LI (ROWAN IN QOS FR) and also the fact that this tension has obviously been brewing for a while??? he’s been avoiding her because it’s that palpable and ELAIN KNOWS IT. it’s a mutual thing it doesnt mean there isn’t romance beneath it or that he’s a creep for wanting her after a year of putting off his feelings

Brief interlude, his offending lines:

•”My two brothers are with two of those sisters but the third was given to another” - the language here might make you uncomfortable but that’s because MATING BONDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. we’re told by Rhys himself that they’re often used to “give” a female to a male. the distinction he makes here that Feyre/Nes are “with” Rhys/Cas but Elain was “given” to Lucien is because Elucien is the only mating bond example we’ve followed in this series where the foundation is not love and choice. Azriel does not feel entitled/think he deserves Elain. In this same chapter he feels unworthy to even touch her, stands outside in the freezing cold until he’s “again nothing at all.” Mor tells us all the way back in ACOMAF that he feels completely undeserving of love. Azriel does not think he deserves Elain just because Rhys said so (Az LITERALLY glares at him for saying it). Azriel brought up a valid point (that other characters have too) that the Archeron sisters (who have comparable power) would makes sense all mated to the bat boys (again, comparable power) since we know that’s a crux of mating bonds. Not to mention, Azriel and Elain genuinely just like each other and always have, more so than any of the mated couples even. From a logical standpoint, they would make sense as mates. Even this ships haters say they would be “too predictable/obvious” like SO YOU AGREE THEY MAKE EASY LOGICAL SENSE that’s what Az is implying.

•”Lucien will never be good enough for her” I’ve seen a lot of people use this line to say Az hates/drags Lucien but that’s not how I interpret it at all. First off, all of Az’s other actions (i’ve listed some above) show he’s actually very considerate of/trusting in regards to Lucien. This line to me reads less as “lucien is a bad/undeserving person” and more “Lucien is not what Elain wants” (right after he says she has no interest in him). From Azriel’s POV (and ours my fellow readers) Lucien has done nothing to win over Elain. Yes he’s been polite and I applaud him for that over others actions with their mates (cough cough Cassian) but he’s also never sought her out for a real conversation about the bond, never had any sort of “clicking” moment with her, and still after years just makes her uncomfortable (as far as we and Az know). I think it makes perfect sense to infer from this Lucien is not “good enough” in regards to what Elain is seeking (I think the easiest way I can put this is the idea of “somebody can be perfect but still not perfect for you”). Is Azriel’s opinion a little biased? Yes FS, but also this girl was about to let him do filthy things to her down the hall from Lucien, I say it’s pretty safe for him to infer that she doesn’t want Lucien (and therefor never will).

•”He hadn’t gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to” - I won’t repeat what I said above regarding the sexual undertones in the chapter, but also the reason why Az hadn’t thought beyond this is in the chapter and it’s not because he’s some fuck boy. AZRIEL KNOWS HE CANT HAVE A FUTURE WITH ELAIN AND DOESNT THINK HE DESERVES IT. It’s written all over their interactions together. He wanted to kiss her to have a piece of her to hold onto, not because he thinks he can have a future with her because he knows as things stand he can’t. He doesn’t want to plan to push her/seduce her (like rhys implies) or anything because he doesn’t feel worthy of her and knows circumstances won’t allow them to be together safely. What’s driving him crazy and keeping him up at night with fantasies is that they do both want each other, but imagining a life where they could have more than that and be happy together is impossible for Az because he’s someone who has never prioritized his happiness and does not expect it.

•”I’ll defeat him with little effort.” - Again reading comprehension I beg, this is not a diss against Lucien. If Lucien was the type of guy to invoke a blood duel because Elain chose Azriel (Lucien wouldn’t, Azriel doesn’t even think he would it’s Rhys who suggests it) then YEAH AZ CAN KICK HIS ASS WITH LITTLE EFFORT BC THAT WOULD BE A CRAPPY THING TO DO.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

•I LOVE everything about his scene with Gwyn on the roof. His vague awkwardness, his teasing of her and trying to be polite, him actually trying to help her train (after we learn Cas has been useless, go figure), and just being so sweet and kind to her in general even though he’s probably still incredibly sad/upset🤧

•This precious boy gets a small urge to cross his arms and is thrown into a PTSD flashback of his father with his mom??? He constantly consciously makes effort not to appear scary/threatening to women because he’s that scarred from his fathers behavior😭

•Listen, I won’t try to entirely defend the necklace thing because I do think it’s weird no matter who you ship Azriel with BUT i will say my best take on it is that it’s a version of self harm/sabotage. Like the only thing that makes sense to me here is he’s subconsciously creating barriers in his relationships with both Elain/Gwyn by doing this which is honestly way less f-boy (a weird take i’ve seen from people, especially given at this point he has no plans to pursue either Elain or Gwyn) and just way more very sad.

FINALLY, sprinkles from HOFAS:

•He’s so FINE in this book

•His silly little things like kicking rocks while trailing Nesta and Bryce to make a point are SO funny

•Him and Nesta working so well together, may not be a point in his favor but it makes me happy

•Azriel loving and defending his mom✨

•Azriel barely snapping at Nesta and then immediately apologizing and saying he loves her. THAT is more emotional intelligence than any other male in ACOTAR has shown

•Him liking club music but also being embarrassed about it? Adorable

•Everything about his interactions with Bryce in this book strike me so hard because you can tell he’s trying to keep his guard up but still has a lot of sympathy for her. I think that gets to the core of who Az is: smart and distant and guarded but also genuinely kind above all

•Also so many small funny little jokes and lines

I COULD PROBABLY SAY MORE AND GO ON FOREVER BUT HOPEFULLY PEOPLE GET THE POINT :)

[readychilledwine]

Hello. First of all thank you for that post, it amazing and no one has ever responded. I would like you to write another story of az where they have a child and she and her child get kidnapped. And she dies trying to the child. Az goes bolistic. (If u don't want the reader to die it's cool with me. Whatever u think is best). Thank u and have an amazing day ahead.

Eeeeee. This made little pregnant brain go meeeeep. I kind of changed it up. I didn't want to actively kill the reader, because I can't imagine Azriel ever pulling himself back together after that. I just imagine if Azriel found someone he loved enough to have a child with, it would devastate him. So. I put a spin on it. if I squeeze my eyes shut really tight, I can create a world where he finds a mate and heals with her, but that wound would always be there, and that creates angst. So this is loosely based on the aftermath of your request. I'm sorry it isn't perfect.

Replacement

Warnings - trauma, mention of torture, Az being kind of an ass.

🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇🦇

The words echoed in your mind. You aren't his mother! Azriel had screamed them at you so carelessly. Just because Xiden had come to you for a booboo. Just because Xiden had called you "mommy" and Azriel had heard it. How dare you seriously think you can replace her? What the fuck is wrong with you?

You loved your mate's son. You loved that little illyrian more than you could form into words. Shock had fallen into your own bones after he called you mommy and kissed your cheek, though. That wasn't a threshold you had meant to cross. It was an unspoken line in the sand. You were not his mother, and Azriel had managed to remind you quickly and make you feel so small over one word uttered by a child.

Your relationship with the two started a few years ago. You were Nyx and Xiden's private nanny. Rhysand had met you once in a volunteer childcare center. The two of you had talked about everything you had found important in raising little ones, and the High Lord brought you to his mate instantly. They had been looking for childcare whose values aligned with theirs for weeks, and Feyre, with tears of relief in her eyes, hired you on the spot and made a pay offer you would have been stupid to turn down.

You spent time with the two young boys constantly. You three would spend countless hours giggling. Your life ranged from cooking with them, playing with them, snuggling them, and doing basic school lessons with them, but mostly teaching them how to be good fae, teaching them right from wrong, showing them how to love and respect themselves and others.

Nyx was wonderful. You adored the little heir. But there was something about the way Xiden would hold your hand when you three would go for walks, the way he constantly searched for your approval. You can't remember if it was the first night he ran to your guest room on an extended care stay and buried himself so deep into your arms and pillows that made you love him, or if it was the solstice gift he drew of you, him, and Nyx that hung framed in your living room that sealed the deal, but you loved Xiden. Unconditionally and unexpectedly.

You had finally asked Feyre one night about his mother when she came over to bring you a birthday gift from the Inner Circle and the boys. Azriel had appeared after she told you gently Xiden's mother had died. He had the little male in tow. He had his wings tucked in so tight around him and his little footie pajamas and that made your heart tighten as he ran to you. 

The bond snapped for Azriel as you were kneeled down, holding his son and comforting him. It snapped for you when you woke up to the male shirtless in your kitchen, making breakfast for the three of you after Xiden refused to leave.

There was no going back after that. Xiden had a room at your apartment now. You had things in their home. You and Azriel told each other everything. Well, almost everything. He still had not told you about his former love or where she was.  Xiden had done it late one night after another screaming fit woke him up and had him crawling into bed with you.

I watched momma die, you had tried to tell him it was just a bad dream. But when his eyes met yours and he shook his little head, you shattered into pieces. I watched it, miss y/n. I watched them hurt momma.

You had approached Azriel about it gently, holding his hand as he closed you out. You didn't push the issue at all, knowing he'd tell you when he was ready to. You had, however, pushed for him to enroll Xiden into therapy with Madja.

That was almost 8 months ago now, though. Tonight had been the breaking point. It stung, knowing the male you adored had all but dismissed his son's feelings, and your own, without giving you a single explanation of why. You had left his home in silence despite him calling for you. You had shielded yourself for the time and sealed the bond so deeply into your heart that you couldn't feel him, and he couldn't feel you. 

You curled deeper into the bed, holding your blanket tight against yourself as you cried. You had no interest in replacing Xiden's mom. You never set that as a goal in this relationship. You just wanted to love Azriel, love his son. You wanted to support them, be there for them. 

A loud knock came at your door, and you ignored it. Then another, more insistent than the next, and finally, your door just opened. You knew it was him, that he had picked the lock. He made his way to your bedroom, opening the door without knocking and moving to sit on the bed next to you. 

"I'm sorry, y/n," his hand found your hip as he tried to get your attention. "I lashed out, and I shouldn't have. It's just- It's hard. Knowing she should be here, but isn't."

"I never wanted to replace her, Az. I never asked to fill that role." You voice sounded as broken as you knew it would. Hours of crying finally had begun to show damage.

"I know, love. I know."

"You won't even tell me what happened to them. All I can do is offer him whatever I can based on what I know, and then i get yelled at for it. How can I comfort him, help him, and support him when I don't know the full story. How can I support YOU when I don't even know what happened?"

His jaw tightened as he looked at you. He had been avoiding this conversation for too long, and now it had come to a head. "When Xiden was 4, he and his mother were visiting her parents in Illyria without my knowledge." Azriel looked up, blinking tears away as his throat grew tight. "I had made a few enemies in the camp they went to, and they took them. It took us 3 weeks to find them and track them down. By time we got there, she was gone. Xiden was.." His jaw tightened again. "He was traumatized. He had watched them rape, beat, and torture his mother for weeks. He was starved, sleep deprived, and disassociated from us completely. I only added to that trauma by slaughtering every single male in that place without thinking about the fact that he was right there."

"He wouldn't let me touch him for weeks. He ran to Rhys and Cassian instead of me. And it killed me." Azriel was biting his lip, shadows stilled and wrapped around him as his wings also pulled in. "I will never forget her lifeless eyes, her body, her bruised face. I will never forget my son's broken mind and soul. I will never forgive myself for what happened to them."

You sat up, running a hand up and down his back and between his wings. "It wasn't your fault, Az. She wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

He broke then, sobbing out a gentle I know as he broke down. "I just don't want him to forget her, how much she loved him, how much she sacrificed for him."

"He won't," you said firmly. "He never will. He's six, Az. He remembers his momma. He knows I am not her." Azriel nodded. "Az, you need to forgive yourself. You can't move forward, and Xiden can't move forward, with this cloud hanging here." Another silent nod as he leaned further into your touch. "You need to give yourself permission to be happy, to move on, and to take care of him without being scared of the world."

"It's just so hard," you nodded this time, kissing between his shoulder blades. "I loved her so fucking much."

"I know. Her picture is still up in your office. I make sure to dust it every day. You also have some of her dresses still. A few of her blankets." His shoulders fell, guilt flooding the now empty bond. "Don't," you whispered. "Don't feel guilty for loving the mother of your child. Don't feel guilty for wanting to honor her memory." 

"Please come back." Azriel sounded broken at the confession he was about to make. "He can't sleep when you aren't there." You nodded, grabbing a bag to pack an outfit for tomorrow. 

Azriel watched you moving through the room in silence. "I wanted to talk about you moving in," you froze on the spot. "Or us finding somewhere for the 3 of us."

"Az-"

"I fucked that up, though, didn't I?" You shook your head, rushing to him and throwing yourself onto him and the bed. "Or maybe I didn't?"

"Of course I want to move in with you two." Your response was muffled into his neck. You could feel his smile grow. 

"Perfect." He said.

"Perfect." You agreed. 

[acourtofthought]

hi, so.. i'm genuinely curious. why do you ship gwyn and azriel? because for me, i don't think gwyn has shown any romantic interest in azriel, and even he himself thinks they're not close enough to be friends. do you think sjm is going to throw all of elriel's moments away in previous books just for a ship built off of a spark in the chest and a private dagger lesson which happened off page?

because if she does, i think it will be fan service. major fan service.

thank you.

You say all the E/riel moments but if you really care about what I have to say (as you felt the need to message me) I hope you'll actually pay attention to the things I'm telling you.

It's not all the E/riel moments. It's all the E/riel moments that were almost instantly followed up by Az's fixation on someone else or lack of true interest on his part.

Az figured out Elain was a Seer? He then went on and agreed that they shouldn't bother following through on her visions.

Az announced he'd get Elain back only after Cassian first said they'd get her back? He went on to disobey Feyre's orders to get Elain to safety so he could stay behind and save Feyre, risking Elain's life in the process. He also said he'd be the one who could also take Briar though it was Elain who helped save her, something Az never acknowledged. Just like he never acknowledged her saving him too when kicking the hounds and Cassian, Nesta when she stabbed the king.

Az gave Elain TT? That's because Mor begged him to sit out of battle. He sat out of the one thing he's known for, being the first to throw himself into danger, because the female he in canon loved at the time had tears in her eyes and asked him not to enter the fight. Also, he didn't bother to check on Elain after the war or provide his condolences for the loss of her father.

Az was so sweet taking the potatoes from Elain's hand? Only a few chapters before he was relieved not to have to get her a gift to help her celebrate her first Solstice after being turned fae and he went on to stare at Mor with heat and yearning while Elain sat in the room with them.

He stared at Elain's headache powder for a year while he imagined what she'd look like during sex? He was pissy towards Helion because of Helion's question on where Mor was. He interrupted Nesta's question to Feyre on whether Elain knew about the pregnancy to ask if Mor knew. And because he STILL looks at Mor with longing glances. "Few and Far between" doesn't equal Zero. It means they still exist though to a much lesser degree......all while he's supposed to be so captivated by Elain. He didn't bother asking Elain how she was doing after her fights with Nesta, didn't bother saying he'd help her train her powers. You know, important things when it comes to endgame couples.

Not to mention Az wasn't remotely affected by Elain's catatonic state, where she was withering away. Lucien was DEVASTATED. Az drew straws so he didn't have to stay behind and guard her. THAT'S supposed to be who I want for Elain? The IC was not allowed to enter the Rite otherwise it would guarantee death to them all. Nothing prevented Az from staying with Elain to guard her.

Did you read the TOG series? Did you see how many moments existed between Dorian and Celeana? Beautiful moments too. Did you see what transpired between Celaena and Chaol? She literally tells Chaol that she'd always choose him, she says that he is her home.

Tell me how anything that happened between Az and Elain is any more poetic than what we witnessed between Celaena and Chaol yet Sarah had no problems chucking that out the window.

How about the buildup between Nesryn and Chaol? Sarah had her travel with him to the Torres Cesme, she was willing to accept him with his disability yet Sarah knocked down that house of cards in Tower of Dawn.

Dorian and Sorscha?

Feyre was engaged to Tamlin for gods sakes.

I truly don't understand how you think buildup means anything in Sarah's books. Unless two characters are mates, Sarah will easily tear down whatever buildup once existed between two non mates.

Theia and Fionn were forbidden lovers yet she went on to stand by impassioned as he was murdered only to later be willing to give up everything for Aidas, her mate.

And though you'll refuse to see it, I think Sarah already ended them on Solstice. Az and Elain were doomed from the start and there has now been 7 months that have passed from Solstice until the events of HOFAS. We are given absolutely no buildup for the E/riel ship in all that time, not since Elain returned his necklace. There has been no on page bantering between them, no longing glances, not even an indiscernible peak out of the corner of their eyes at one another.

"All the E/riel buildup" except it's already gone? E/riels entire buildup amounted to an almost kiss that never happened in a bonus chapter which makes it pretty easy for Sarah to move on from considering she tore down Feyre's engagement to Tamlin within the span of a few chapters. And Feyre and Tamlin had an entire book dedicated to them.

You can ship E/riel still, of course, but you can't honestly act like it would be difficult for an author like SJM to walk away from whatever they had going since she had no issues breaking apart multiple other characters who shared so much more.

Serious question for you.

How many books do you read where at the very start of the novel, the two characters instantly want one another?

Did Claire want Jamie at the start of Outlander? Pretty sure she was married to and in love with her husband. She also tried to escape back to said husband after marrying and sleeping with Jamie.

I just read a book where the guy ends up helping a girl who was homeless and she's worried that he'll expect sexual favors from her as she's seen happen on the streets and he says and thinks "she's not remotely my type" though of course they end up together and she's the most beautiful thing ever.

Off the top of your head I'm guessing you can't tell me 5 books where the endgame couple starts the book already in love or romantically interested in one another. So why would Az and Gwyn not being true friends yet be a problem at all?

As far as Gwyn's interest or lack thereof, I don't even need the bonus but if after 2 years and knowing what Elain did during the war he still doesn't think she's capable of handling the darkness of the trove but after a few months he believes in Gwyn's ability to make it through the Rite, it's pretty obvious who the author is setting up as his love interest. Sarah's writing and preferred behavior for her MMC with his endgame person is not difficult to spot at this point.

While we don't currently have confirmation of physical attraction (something that could easily change with a simple change of pov), we do have confirmation of curiousity on Gwyn's part. And a lot of admiration on Az's side.

How is that not a wonderful jumping off point for these two characters? Az is no stranger to lust for beautiful females but he doesn't often give them credit for standing on their own two feet. And Gwyn's curiousity about Az, a male, after what happened to her, is a huge step forward already.

Gwyn started SF not having left the library in 2 years but by the end she was fine being alone with Az on the top of the roof in the middle of the night. She was teasing him over his title, "Shadowsinger."

I'm not sure how you don't see that as being playful / flirtatious. Does that mean she's in love with Az and wants to jump his bones? No, it's just the first hints we're seeing. I'd rather only see hints of something before two characters are ready to bang one out on page before they've even had a POV and shared any sort of meaningful conversation (which Az and Elain have never done, they have never spoken about anything of true importance). That's the difference between a romance book with sex and a book with smut.

As for Az, I'd much rather wait for his romance to build on page, where he's only focused on one female, rather than the shit-show that has been the Mor / Elain situation. Where he can't even admit to his best friend that he's over Mor in the same chapter he thinks how he's not thought of a plan on how to be with Elain beyond his sexual fantasies.

Elain deserves a hell of a lot better than that. And so does Gwyn. Which is why I'm glad Az isn't romantically interested in her at this point in time. Have you ever liked a guy who was panting over you and another girl? It's really not the romance E/riels like to pretend it is and I'd rather Az truly come to terms with his past with Mor and letting her go (something that he has not fully done) before he shows any romantic interest for his endgame person. But with Gwynriel I see that future potential. The banter already exists, she's a bit bloodthirsty like Az, she's seen him slaughter which means she's seen a little what Az is capable of versus how he's behaved around Elain, and his shadows are happy around her (which is better than how Az notes they tend to vanish around Elain after telling us how they're his companions). Not to mention Az won't suffer being around someone who already has a mate and will forever have that mate.

Crying fanservice because you don't get your way rather than paying attention to the author you're reading is a copout and I hope you respect Sarah's writing more than that.

[glossamerfaerie]

I don’t have particularly strong opinions about Gwyn wielding Gwydion. If she does, that’s great and I will be happy (the symmetry with TruthTeller is delicious. Maybe Gwynriel will cuddle with both weapons on the bed). But I won’t be disappointed if Gwydion goes to someone else.

I will be disappointed if the other two weapons in Nesta’s trove don’t go to Gwyn and Emerie. Like it’s so perfect. Eris returned the gift at Hewn City, and who else is going to use it? I think Emerie gets the smaller sword and Gwyn uses the dagger. She needs her own dagger after all the private dagger-handling lessons with Az!!

Like…. see how cool these weapons are and tell me that my girls won’t wield them! I’m hoping for a Solstice scene where Nesta gifts the weapons to Gwyn and Emerie, complete with festive wrapping paper and a decorative ribbon. 😂

[stargirlie25]

Make it make sense..

I just don´t understand some e/riels logic.....

Like one day, Azriel is Elains mate because he figured out her power and cleared the murky realm she was in.

Another day he is a good protective boyfriend for saying the whole ´´There is an innate darkness that Elain should not be exposed to´´'and that was previously because she got kidnapped due to her powers.

Another day Lucien is a horrible man for saying ´´good´´ after feyre mentioned there has been no sign of her powers even though he originally asked how she was doing not anything to do with her powers.

Apparently that´s bad behavior because Elain should embrace that power. Although when someone mentions how Elain can get uneasy because of it, they say ´´Well she´s going to be stuck with it forever so its best to embrace it´´

BUT Azriel should forever hide his power because he apparently feels better without it?

One day its ´´The bonus chapter isnt even important because not everybody has access to it!´´

Although another day, the bonus chapter thats so useless reveals lightsinger powers for one of the key people in ACOSF? The optional bonus reveals that a character lured in Azriel and has a dangerous spell on him?!

One day its, oh my gosh forbidden love!

Another day its Elain has a choice and she should not be forced into anything!

But she should be Azriels hidden f-toy? She should be forced to that position even though he isnt ever going to be satisfied with her because he wants a mate?

Or its, Elain does not owe Lucien anything! BUTTTT she deserves to give Azriel her time and hide in the darkness with him and play out his fantasies (only thing he wants) even though he refers to her as ´´The thrid´´. Even though SHE HERSELF gave back the necklace out of her own choice. (something e/riels always disrespect and never notice)

Ugh mates are boring! We want rejected mates!

Or its, E/riel are actually mates because Az can smell the bond.

They are mates because Azriel thought so!

Like Elain is literally a conspiracy theory to Azriel miss maam

Or, Elain made a deal with koschei to be Azriels mate.

Its forbidden love!

No its the whole ´´The boy who never got chosen and the girl who never had the option to chose´´

Elain is the light to Azriels darkness!

Wait no Elain is the light IN the darkness!

(Azriels shadows shy away from light and he trains at night and Elain is a light who needs light and chases away darkness)

Death and life!

(Makes sense because the NC sucks the LIFE from her and obviously death can restore it?)

Elain can´t be highlady of the day court!

Yeah because shes totally going to be High lady of the dusk court with Az..

There is nothing wrong with Elains hobbies! (gardening and baking)

Elains going to be the spymaster of the night court because she keeps secrets about a pregnancy and she will wield a dagger it all times!

She will be the savior of Illyria! (Never trained a day in her life)

Stop trying to change Gwyn for a man and try to say shes a spy (even though she literally was spying in the BR like Az was doing at the same time) However Elain can be a spy because she is foreshadowed to be!

Also Elain is foreshadowed to be taking private lessons with Azriel (Gwyn already does. Canon)\

Luciens gifts to Elain prove that he views her as a breakable docile flower but Azriel basic necklace proves that he sees her for the bada$$ she is? (got that from @lorcanisdabest thought it was funny haha)

Azriel feeling insecure and unworthy of being near Elain because of his TRAUMA means nothing! Elain can fix him! Although Gwynriel isnt happening because they were reminded of Gwyns past (which they were both present for) for a HEARTBEAT WHICH IS LITERALLY 0.8 SECONDS AND THAT MEANS THEY CANT THINK OF ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT AND THAT´S TOXIC!!!!!!

E/riel are mates because a smile bloomed on Azriels face in regards to Elain.

Although its just normal that a smile bloomed on elain face (AFTER HER DAD DIED WHO SHE WAS CLOSEST to) in regards to Lucien. Like thats just clown sh!t.

Amren said Az was underestimating Elain but we should not take her word for it because it was not Azriels (even though thats the only canon piece of what sjm provided on what Azriel could have been doing) BUT we should take feyres word on Elain and Azriel everytime!

There is so much more crap E/riels say but that would take FOREVER. All im saying is that to make your content consistent. Stick to one plot and make it make sense.

Something i have seen with Eluciens and gwynriels is that we have a solid idea on the romantic part for our ships and it stays consistent.

[highladyjane]

"There is mention of Az giving Gwyn a private dagger handling lesson, and we know Az likes daggers and Gwyn is associated with daggers in ACOSF."

OK, so apparently it's a reason for them to be mates? 😏

First of all, it’s done off-page and honestly too vague so we can’t know for sure, but it said that

“Apparently, Gwyn wanted him to go over dagger handling, so he’d left them with a promise to return in one hour.” (ACOSF, ch. 55)

It never said "private". So let's not assume that at least some of the other priestesses he's been training didn't linger as well to watch or participate for an extra lesson just because it was Gwyn specifically who asked for it. And even if it was just the two of them having private lessons, "He still wouldn't go so far as calling Gwyn a friend" after it all.

And oh, you know what happens after that lesson? Only ONE mention of Gwyn with a knife. And it was NOT just Gwyn, but also Nesta wielding daggers during the Blood Rite. Let's also not forget Nesta had her Made dagger gifted to Eris. So sadly for yous, daggers are not merely Gwyn-related since there are other more important daggers at play in the plot.

Also,

Did we forget what's on the cover of ACOWAR?

See those blooms and shadows wrapped around Truth-teller?

If you don't know who those are associated with, you clearly haven't read the books.

Did we also forget WHO killed the King of Hybern with Azriel’s very own dagger that he’s never let anyone else touch?

Did we forget this scene that was so important it was featured in the colouring books and helped change the course of the war so that Gwyn can finally go out into the world where she's safe from the reason who caused her most traumatic experience?

Also...

Know what else Az likes besides his daggers?

Elain Archeron. The one who stabbed a king/the main villain with said dagger - the most famed dagger in the Maasverse before Gwyn ever even held one.

He likes her so much he starts questioning the sacredness of mating bonds and the Cauldron in front of his mated High Lord.

Or did we forget that as well?

Stop omitting Elain as if she didn't happen or isn't pivotal to stop wars or even further the story just because she's been taking the backseat from her sisters' stories and their obviously biased POVs of her.

And stop making Gwyn into something she's not. Let her be a bad-ass in her own right without inserting any male in her story when she's clearly all about the girl-power with the Valkyries. She's not there for Az who she's barely had 1 scene alone with.

[nikethestatue]

I’m sorry if this is too negative, but how do you stay so positive? I read the bonus and don’t feel that good about it. I understand it makes clear that Azriel’s shadows react to music, not Gwyn herself but… why would SJM give a connection between Azriel and Gwyn, who is a singer? When I say connection I mean music and shadowsinger/lightsinger. She seems to be continuing that music connection. I guess I just feel defeated that Azriel has gotten nonstop hype from not only fans but SJM herself, and there hasn’t really been anything for Elain besides small tiny crumbs that we Elriels theorize. I feel Elain had the set up to be a main character after ACOSF, but it feels to me that with the crossover, SJM has shifted that all to Azriel-and potentially Gwyn, if the music and lightsinging is any indication-and hasn’t given Elain anything else yet. 3 bonuses in a row now have given something to Gwynriel (ACOSF, HOSAB Bryce and Hunt ending about shining secret joy in chest, and now HOFAS). I’m sorry to rant, I just feel upset over how this has been handled by SJM. I still feel confident in Elain and Elriel based on the ACOTAR text, but perhaps now that we are so close, doubt and intrusive thoughts have started to creep in lol 🥲

So let me ask you this. Suppose you are just a normal reader, who is reading SJM's books, read ACOTR and now CC. Say you have no idea about any shipwar. You are just an interested, casual reader.

On January 30, you get the book, which you ordered from Target. You read the book, you love it, you read Lidia and Ruhn's bonus, you love it too. You sit back and await the next SJM book.

Now, tell me, what's been 'set up' for that reader? And in what sense and capacity was Gwynriel set up?

For example, on a personal level, i've never read the Bonus with Bryce and Hunt for the last book. And I am not even a casual reader. I've never read ANY of the TOG bonuses. I've read the Feysand bonus once. I accidentally came upon Wings and Ember and only because i am an OBSESSED fan, not a casual.

So all in all, what do we think was set up? In any way, shape or form? NOTHING. Certainly not for Gwynriel. Not one thing. Now, for me, as an Elriel, not a whole lot has been set up either. BUT, i just know what Gwynriels have been claiming for the past 3 years about the Azriel Bonus (chest light, mate bonds, him falling in love with Gwyn, blah, blah). As an obsessed fan, all this Walmart bonus told me was he claims to be single and unmated and he is a metalhead at heart. That is it. It didn't set up anything for anyone.

Also, in terms of light and singing--one of my fellow Elriel is planning to write a post where they are gonna go over that imagery throughout SJMs books, which has absolutely nothing to do with any romance, any Gwyn, or anything else that people claim.

I am calm, because nothing's changed on paper. But I also am happy because everything, literally everything, that Gwynriels claimed didn't come to pass--like we suspected it wouldn't. There is no deeper or more meaningful connection between Azriel and Gwyn. We learn nothing about her--not like Nesta says 'oh, btw, Gwyn's been raving about all the private lessons you've been giving her, Az!'

If you step back and think about it rationally, the bonus gave nothing. You can read between the lines, but that space hints at Elriel, not Gwynriel.

So calm down, nonnie. It's all good.

Remember 'I thought it was obvious!'

[thalunalovegood]

About the necklace

So, I know that the necklace Az gave to Gwyn was originally for someone else(and I know that this detail could be a problem in the future, though I hope not), but that is a few things that I keep thinking.

1. First is something I read here on Tumblr( I don't remember where, *sad face*), it said that: when Clotho said "She deserves something as beautiful as this.", she could be referencing Az, since she didn't saw the necklace, she didn't open the box. Maybe Clotho can see through the box, but I like to think that she meant Az by saying something beautiful. 

2. Another think that I read, it was the Sarah used the description of the necklace "A thing of secret, lovely beauty", to describe as well the "Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly". Sarah don't do things without some further purpose, and I'm curious to see what is behind all of this.

3. The bonus scene happens during ACOSF, but after that, we didn't saw Nesta or Cass saying anything about Gwyn wearing the necklace, so I'm curious to know, did Gwyn wear it under her clothes? did she not wear it at all? I need more info, or theories.

4. Four and one of my favorite thoughts on this necklace thing. Why did Az give it to Gwyn? Because of the other one gave it back? Some people might think that the "reuse" of the gift it was a bad thing, and in some ways I think it is, but, Why give it to Gwyn? Az wanted get rid of it, and even said that Clotho could give to any priestess who might like, but, his first thought was Gwyn, maybe because when he went to bed, one of the last thoughts were about how Gwyn's eyes might light? And I think that she was on her mind during the day, his intention was to return the necklace to the shop, but as he came back, he went to the library, so something made he change his intention, maybe this something is what is glowing quietly inside of him.

5. Not related to the necklace, but I love how after the solstice there are more interactions between Az and Gwyn.

One more point but this one is just my hope.

6.In my dreams( let me dream ok?!), after the solstice they had private lessons at night that Nesta, Cass and the other don't know about, and that is the reason during the rite, Gwyn could watch and learn the beast habits, Az said to her a few things about spying, and she used his tips. Another dream? Az's shadows somehow talk to Gwyn, I don't know if is possible, but I'd love to see it, can you imagined a conversation between Gwyn and the shadows, and Az completely curious about it?

If you read this, and you have good theories about CC3, Gwynriel, ACOTAR 5, please share, I would love to read it :)

# sorry for any English errors, Portuguese is my native language.

[starfall-spirit]

Nyx's First Flight

Feysand Month Prompt: With the children

Summary: Mama Bear Feyre worries over her son's flight training.

It's only a little water, Feyre darling.

I scowled at that lilt of amusement in my mate's mental voice. He, Cassian, and Azriel were taking Nyx for his first flight lesson and, like any mother, I wanted to be there to witness it.

Unlike other mothers of Illyrians, I was a little paranoid about how my eight-year-old would take to flying. After all, I was going through those same lessons a decade ago and did a few trees around here some serious damage. At least the ones that didn't do me damage.

Still, my hope of keeping my child's brain intact seemed to be a crime, or at least a strike to the pride of the males around me. Breaking my promise of not interfering, I had dove after Nyx as he took his first plunge towards the massive lake below.

The three adults had banished me from the airspace.

So here I was, leaning against a tree and watching my four favorite boys talk technique at the edge of the cliff. Cassian was taking the lead at the moment, red siphons burning with the glint of the sun as he made exaggerated movements to teach Nyx how judge wind resistance and adjust his wings.

Rhys-completely unworried compared to me-looked over his shoulder with a smirk. He's doing just fine, Feyre. Trust me.

I do trust you, Rhys. However, I also know what it feels like to hit water and tree trunks from this height and speed. If you break our only child with your brute methods-

Feyre. Stop worrying. Children are invincible until someone reminds them otherwise. None of us have told Nyx otherwise, as far as I know.

I gave no response.

He let out a sigh and I knew neither of his brothers missed it's meaning, especially as Az's eyes flicked back towards me. The shadowsinger shook his head as I stuck my tongue out. Mumbling something to Nyx between Cassian's pointers, my mate came to stand behind me, his strong arms tugging me back against his chest.

"Training as young as possible, before the fear sets in-"

"I know, Rhys. I know I shouldn't be this worried. I know you and your brothers learned over solid ground. I just... Blame it on my human heart, okay?"

"I happen to be quite fond of that human heart. One of my many favorite parts of you, in fact."

"How many are there, again?"

He chuckled, running his nose down the right side of my neck. "Well, darling, I could list them all here and now."

"Or?" I asked, already feeling the answer dance down our bond.

"Or we could leave my brothers to teach Nyx while I take the time to show you properly. Privately." He nipped my earlobe. "Repeatedly."

The response lingering on my tongue was silenced by whistles of different pitches. The sound filled the air and my attention snapped back to the grinning shadowsinger and general. "Look at that, Rhys! Perfect banking!" Cassian whooped again, chuckling as Nyx came back around to the cliff's edge, stumbling as he hooked a foot on the rock. "Watch your height, kid."

"I did it, Uncle Cass!"

"I know, I watched every second. We'll make an Illyrian out of you yet, Nyx."

He called to me next and I grinned ear to ear, stepping out of his fathers arms to hold him close. "You're still all wet!" A draft of wind I controlled had us dry in second. "I'm proud of you, Nyx. Even if your father and uncles won't let me help."

His grin held as he dropped his hand to my belly. "If I can fly well does that mean I can teach the baby one day?"

I laughed. Indeed, Madja had told us yesterday that Rhys and I could expect a second winged babe in the coming winter. Thankfully the delivery should be far less complicated this time around. "Yes, Nyx. I think that will definitely be in the cards for you. What do you say about getting some food in you now?"

[bookofmirth]

Am I the only one who giggled a little too hard when after all the “Az is giving Elain private lessons” talk we get a scene where he tells Nessian he’s gotta go bc he’s giving Gwyn dagger handling lessons (no one else was mentioned so we can assume it was just the two of them) 🤭

I mean hey, headcanons are fun! When we don't get what we want in canon, that's what fandom is for, right? 😉

[readychilledwine]

idk what sort of crack you put in cat and mouse but i’ve read it 5 times now, please tell me there’s more i’m literally so desperate🧎‍♀️ like the way reader was laughing when devlon screamed or the way she said down boy to azriel???? i kinda want y/n ngl👀 ugh i need to see rhys helping her rewire her mind or her accepting the mating bond w az plssss🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

I only purchase the best Crack for my followers 💙

Paradise Lost - Cat and Mouse Prequel Part 1

But part two in the Starwars release sense. Like a prequel.

Summary - After being hired to take out The Night Court's dangerous spymaster, y/n finds herself trapped between a rock and hard place.

Warnings - mentions of rape allegations, attempted murder, mentions of murder, time jumps to try to prevent this from being 4 billion parts, mind control

A/n - sheeeees baaaaaack 💜 the prequel is going to end up being multiple parts. I do not like having my stuff end up over 4k words, I feel like reading that can be difficult, and with modern technology, distractions happen and you accidentally exit and lose your place and you're le sad. If you all disagree and would be interested in a 6-7k part, let me know 💙 p.s. these parts are going to fulfill several anonymous asks, so each one will be under a different ask

Word count - 3511 (not including time jump stamps)

Cat and Mouse Part 2

High profile targets had never scared you.

 

You'd been watching him for several weeks now. Memorizing every step, every habit, what he ate and drank. 

You knew you had one shot at this mission. One singular shot. If you failed, if he got away, you were as good as dead.

Your first lesson when you were trained on the different courts of Pryithian was do not fuck with the Night Court. Missions involving them were in and out while kept clean and untraceable. Their High Lord would find you if you left that opening, and you'd never be seen or heard from again.

The first lesson you had learned on the street was not to mess with the Shadowsinger. The reason the High Lord would find you. The reason you were currently strolling Velaris under the mask of some young fae female one of your, for a lack of a better term, co workers had killed. She had no family, no friends, just a simple life on the poor outskirts of town. She sold her body for food and money. Which was how she ended up in his talons. How all the faces you wore ended up in his talons actually. 

Taking out Azriel was not going to be an easy task, but you had discovered one weakness: 

The male loved a beautiful face. Even more so when he thought she was defenseless.

You also noticed he had a type. Blondes with doe eyes. You could not fake the blonde hair or big lost brown eyes without magic. But a defenseless female in need of rescue was easy, especially since the same co-workers who were more than happy to disguise you would be more than happy to attempt to kill you. 

So you scheduled it. Letting your keeper know what you needed and when. Letting him know specifically non lethal shots on the shadowsinger with faebane would let you have an easier chance at taking him out somewhere privately.

Azriel, despite his intelligence, had fallen for it. And now he sat strapped to a chair in a ran down cabin in the woods with you watching him. You should have ended it instantly, but per the client's request, you were asked for three things, a confession of his crime, one of his hands to prove he was dead, and the pretty dagger you were translating the wyrdmarks off of.

"I know you're awake," you purred to him finishing another character. "You won't be able to contact him. Shackles, little pup."

He scoffed before lightly chuckling. "If you knew I was awake, why are we just sitting here?"

You shrugged. "I was hoping you'd start the conversation first. Or explain to me how you have a Cauldron made weapon in your possession."

"You took me hostage, I believe you should be explaining to me." 

You looked at him, pursing your lips slightly and nodding. "Not much to explain, little pup. I'm getting paid to kill you. Why is interesting, though." You paused, setting the dagger on the table and grabbing the parchment before sitting on the ground cross legged in front of him. He was almost appalled by the action. It was a backhanded way of you saying you very clearly did not see him as a threat.

"Does Princess Alyana of Rusk ring any bells for you?" 

His lip twitched, eyes sparkling with mischief briefly. "Perhaps."

You just nodded. "Can I ask what exactly the thought process behind raping a princess is? Did you think the King wouldn't ask for your head on a pike?"

Azriel looked at you in shock, hazel eyes wide, and jaw slightly opened, "I did not rape her."

You looked at the weathered parchment again, reading the soft swirling letters of the King. Letters beautified by years of practice you'd never be able to have. "According to her story of the night you were caught in her room, you had came in the window, raped her, and only left before killing her because the guards were coming." You bend the parchment keeping all other lines and information secret and showed him. 

His jaw twitched and anger was set in. "I did not harm or rape her. She invited me to her chambers and into her bed. I would never harm a female."

"A lie," you said softly. "I've watched you drag several into the prison and leave covered in blood. Their blood."

"They were spies and traitors."

"I didn't realize an occupation changed your gender. Do your little shadow wraiths know you believe they are not females? How about sweet Morrigan? She is technically a traitor to the Court of Nightmares. Do you believe she isn't female as well?" You rose a brow in challenge. 

Slow realization hit Azriel's face causing you to smile at him. "If you laid a fucking hand on-"

"Relax, pretty boy. I'm only here for you." You stood patting his head, "your special day." 

"What group are you with?" 

You smirked under the mask you were wearing but kept the outside face neutral. "Does it matter?"

"What is your name?"

"No one. I am no one." You answered automatically.

"So the House of the Faceless from the Silent Isles. What happened to the girl you probably murdered?"

"I didn't kill her. Unlike you, I actually do not harm women or females. Do you have a preference on how you die? Poison, stabbing, burning to death?" You looked at his hands. "Probably not that one, huh? Drowning! Polar opposite." He balked at your excitement. "I thought it was a fun option," you crossed your arms. "Been awhile since I water boarded someone."

Azriel shook his head, laughing. "So you won't even give me an honorable death?"

"I'm not fucking stupid enough to fight a Carynthian hand on hand nor with weapons." You could have sworn you saw him smirk. "I'm also not stupid enough to think taking away these," you held up one of his siphons, "means I'm safe if I let you out of those shackles."

Azriel had not even noticed his siphons were gone and he looked down. "How did you know how to remove those?" 

Your brain flashed to a nightmare, one of winged male standing over you. One of pain before you were tossed to your keeper. "Lucky guess," your voice was distant. 

He huffed. "You're illyrian." It wasn't a question, but a statement. "That's why your scent is off. A high fae would not carry the scent we do." 

You felt your world building pressure and rubbed your temples. "Look, this has been fun, but I'm over it." You grabbed the bloodbane you had purchased soaking it on one of your own daggers. 

"If you're going to kill me, at least do me the kindness of getting to see who is actually killing me." You sighed heavily. "Can I give you a word of advice as well? Shackles only work when you aren't dealing with someone who can pick a lock. You also talk way too much."

You had anticipated this, truthfully. You caught his wrist as he went to swing on you and leg swept him to the ground. "The shackles you were in were coated in faebane and bloodbane, torture Master." You straddled his hips as he held his chest to catch his breath. "My hands were also covered in it so you just welcomed it right back into your bloodstream." 

"Go fuck yourself."

"I do nightly," you did something Azriel wasn't expecting then, lifting the skin of the mask off of your face and throwing it to the fire to cancel the magic it also held on your body.

He was right. You were illyrian. An absolutely beautiful illyrian. Long dark hair falling into loose curls, long dark lashes, tan skin, spell binding hazel eyes. "Definitely Illyrian," he coughed out. "At least I'm going to die looking at something beautiful." He had you at the comment. You stilled completely hand barely wrapped around the dagger. "Has no one ever told you that you were beautiful?" He watched you blink, eyes glazing over and shutting as if he had called a painful memory forward. "Can I know your name?"

"No one," you whispered again. "I am no one." You finally looked at him, and you both felt it. You both felt that painful snap. A snap that now shattered your world. You were about to kill your mate. The one thing you'd always hoped would rescue you from the loneliness of your lifestyle. You dropped the dagger, feeling as if someone had just split your world in two. 

"You don't have to do this," he cooed softly to you. "You don't have to kill me. We can talk about this. I can help you. Take you somewhere safe." You stared at him ad he tentatively stepped towards you, hands grabbing your upper arms. "I won't hurt you. No one is ever going to hurt you again."

You knew he meant it. You handed him a vial, the only antidote you had, and then the free faebaned shackles you had also hidden. Turned so he could shackle you behind your back. 

He was so gentle as he did, kissing the back of your head. "You're going to be safe, little hellcat. I promise." 

You heard and smelled them before you saw them. "Well what happened here, Az?" A playful male voice asked. You heard the parchment on the desk moving and closed your eyes as the scent of citrus and sea moved closer to you.

"Hmm. A no one. Who'd you piss off, Azriel?"

"King of Rusk," the playful voice was no longer playful. "The assassin known by the name Eden was specifically requested." It quoted the letter reading the rest of it slowly. "She must be Eden."

You felt the male in front of you trying to rummage through your mind, and looked up at him. His eyes were filled with sympathy and heartache. "You poor creature. I am so sorry, darling." He looked at Azriel. "Put her in one of the nicer cells at the prison until we can trust her." His hand went up as Azriel, as your mate's breath hitched. "She was sent here to kill you, Az. Regardless of the bond, she is dangerous. Ensure she is given real food, she hasn't ate since she came to Velaris almost a week ago. I'm going to need her in better health to untangle the mess they have her in." 

2 weeks later

Rhys sat on the chair across from the small bed he had allowed to be brought into your cell. Watching as you pulled your legs up and hid your face in your knees.

"You should have a camp brand. It would have been done when you were a babe since you are female. Do you have any odd scars?" His voice was always gentle with you. 

"I can't remember," you answered honestly. You hardly remembered Illyria. Hardly remembered you were even Illyrian or what that even meant. "I remember when I was taken to the school-"

"When you were sold like a pig for slaughter to sell swords, darling." He interrupted. "You weren't taken to a school. You were taken to a temple that purchases children they believe have potential to become assassins if they can wipe their memories and humanity well enough. They unfortunately succeeded with you. Every memory you have is locked in a box in your mind."

"They used food," you whispered softly. "If I asked about something, my first punishment was food. First a week, then two. After that it was poisoning."

"Which is why you can touch fae and blood banes." You could sense the pain in his voice. "Are you comfortable taking the dress off for me? I want to see if I can find your brand." You complied, standing slowly to lift the soft cotton dress Azriel had given you off your frame. 

Rhys stood and walked around you in a circle, hand pausing as it grazed over a scar on the side of your hip. "They cut it out of you." You watched him from the mirror as he proceeded to your back, breath hitching and his eyes closing. "Were your wings removed by them or before?" Rhysand watched as your eyes glazed over, as your mind heard a male screaming at you. As your mind heard what he could only assume were your terrified screams from childhood. "Before." His voice cracked. "I know who did, though."

That night in Windhaven, Rhys slammed Devlon's face into the desk. "Who is she?" He forced her to stare at the drawing one of the twins had done of you. "I've heard you screaming at her in her memories. Who the fuck is she?"

Devlon shook his head. "I had nothing to do with what happened to her."

"That's not what I'm asking." Rhys was growling. "Tell me willingly or Azriel will carve it out of you." Rhys held his mind, pulling at it slightly until the male screamed an answer.

"She a bastard of my oldest son." Devlon answered. "He thought getting rid of her would make his and that whore he was laying with lives easier. They sold her. I didn't know."

Azriel growled and lunged. "Her name. What's her name?"

"Y/n," Devlon panted. "Y/n."

1 month later

Countless days were spent with Rhysand in your mind, unwinding memories like a spool of yarn in the paws of a kitten. He had taken mercy on you today after a brutal session that ended with you collapsing into Azriel's arms.

Azriel sat across from you, eating the soup he had brought to share with you. "Rhys might let me move you to the House of Wind," he spoke between spoons. "You'd be warded to a room there between myself and Cassian, but you'd at least have a window and a view." You felt his heart pinch when you looked at him. 

His eyes filled with sadness, with longing, with sympathy. "I know it isn't much. But it's better than here." You nodded, pushing the soup away. "Are you not hungry?"

"I don't like leaks," you responded gently. 

Azriel laughed softly. "I've never heard an illyrian complain about food before. I can have Rhys bring you something else tonight. Is there anything specific you want?"

You were in no position to ask for anything special. Especially not what your mind was trapped on. But you didn't realize Azriel sensed it through the bond and had immediately asked Rhys to go to the bakery you had walked by and almost went into every day. "You aren't our prisoner, little hellcat." Azriel put his bowl down and moved to kneel in front of you. "You are my mate, and I know it feels like an empty promise, but I promise you that once Rhys believes your mind is safe and secure, you will have more freedoms. You're here because we do not know the extent you were controlled at. Surely you know what other organizations do to their assassins?"

You did. Your body shivered at the thought of the spiders they used to turn the fae who worked for them into nothing more than a mindless shell. "Winter has this tea," you started slowly. "I don't remember what it is. But it's sweet but spicy?" Azriel rose a brow. "Not like my mouth is on fire spicy, but.. like… tooth paste?"

He smiled. "I have that at home. I will bring some to you tomorrow." He leaned forward to kiss your forehead and then rested his forehead against yours. "You are so brave, y/n." 

He watched as your eyes glazed over. As your mouth slightly parted and your body stilled.

You were trapped in a memory. A memory of another little male, his wings held high and proud on his back as you two ran and played. He was wearing rags, covered in dirt. You knew this memory, you had dreams about it. "Wait for me!" You heard yourself giggle. "Cassian, wait for me. Why do you run so fast?"

"Because, y/n, I gotta be fast if I'm going to be better than everyone else here some day!"

That bright smile, that playful voice. Rhys was dead silent in the corner, sharing the memory with Azriel. "Az, go get him." 

Rhys sat with you as Cassian entered the cell. He watched as Rhys cradled you to him. "Cassian, can you sit down please?"

The general nodded, continuing to watch. His eyes glazed over as Rhys showed him the memory and the countless others that followed. 

Cassian's voice was choked. "I thought she had died. Her dad came screaming one day his daughter had been taken. Her wings were… they were pinned to his cabin door, Rhys." Cassian felt sick thinking back to his childhood crush's wings hanging limply by the membranes, blood soaking the wood porch and steps. "It Was a few weeks before you came."

"Do you know if they branded her on her hip, Cassian?" The male nodded immediately. 

"You two should talk for a little bit," Rhys cupped your face delicately. "I have to go pick up those cookies you've been thinking about. I will be back in a few hours. If another memory comes, scream for me in your mind." 

Cassian tooks his place, his hands also coming to cup your cheeks. "You are so beautiful. You know that?"

All three of them made it a point to tell you that now. Surely if three attractive males thought you were beautiful, that had to be true.

A couple weeks later

Rhys was in your mind again, digging and digging while you cried. It was painful. So fucking painful. It felt as though you were being pulled into half by two horses. 

Like someone was cutting you limb by limb.

You hated these sessions. Where you had to sit there, gripping the sheets so hard your knuckles had gone white, holding in screams and whimpers, and crying. 

"Found it," Rhys smirked. "It's a spell. A damn good one, but still just a spell. Meaning it can be broken." He was still in the jungle he had begun to call your mind, stopping at another memory. "I was wondering who killed him. A shame, really. I would have paid to watch that in person. Many of us would have."

Rhys wrote down the name of a former hybern General you had slaughtered and hung. He had started keeping track. Every king, queen, general, or fae you killed sat in a pretty notebook. 600 names. 

600 names lined those pages like a bloodstain in white clothing.

You validated it to yourself. Cruel kings. Corrupt queens. Predators. You were only ever assigned to the worst cases, being too skilled to be wasted on petty killings.

"Stop." Rhys ordered softly. "Do not focus on what you have done. Focus on how we move forward, darling. We have a home Azriel and Cassian like to stay in. I'd like to move you there."

Azriel held you close as he walked you into your new room at the House of Wind. "Cassian is directly across the hall, I am right next to you." You nodded, arms crossing over your chest as you took in the room. Guilt sat deep in your stomach. How much had they spent to decorate it? To furnish it? 

You took in the gold hues swirled in with blacks and greys. The wooden desk with hand carved swirls and edges. The couch and chairs. Your eyes locked in on the bed though. A real, plush, 4 poster bed. It would easily fit you and Azriel if you ever desired. Rhys appeared behind you two, his heart tightening at the sentence he knew was about to come out. A sentence all too familiar to him. 

"I've never had one." 

Azriel looked at you, "A room to yourself?"

You shook your head. "No. A real bed. We were not even allowed to sleep on beds during missions. Only blankets." He watched you walk to the bed, gently squishing a beaded throw pillow in your hands. 

"Darling," Rhysand said softly. "I have a friend who believes he can break the spell in your mind. He is concerned about potential consequences, though."

You were too lost and the luxury of the fabric to respond. The silk sheets covering the bed were the softest thing you'd ever felt. Rhysand and Azriel did not say anything, nodding to each other to leave the room with a gentle click behind them.

You pulled the blanket back further on the sheets, and curled yourself into the mattress. 

Your eyes began to flutter shut frequently, mind stilling as you felt a wave of comfort and protection come your way. Soon, the light of the room faded, and you walked into a dreamers pathway of sleep. 

Helion had come to the House of Wind that night. Flown there blindfolded by Cassian. He stood in Rhysand's office, a deep red wine in one hand as he crossed his arms over his pecs. "So she's at least 300 years old and has been held under a mind control spell for the majority of that time?"

The three illyrian males nodded in response. "Breaking it could kill her if it's done in one shot. Unraveling it, though, releasing her piece by piece may be safest." 

Azriel looked down. "How long would that take?"

"Years," Rhysand answered. "Her mind has to heal enough with each break or else her humanity and morals flooding her all at once can have consequences if it doesn't just shatter her mind." 

Helion nodded. "Our mind is a delicate place. Having it tampered with that long is dangerous. For us and her. I would need to see it and feel it to fully determine how safe it is."

Azriel nodded. "I'll go get her."

His footsteps felt heavy and defeated as he moved through the House of Wind. He paused at your door, lost in thought, but shook off his doubt as he knocked.

If anyone would be able to help you, it would be Rhysand and Helion.

[unitedgaragedoorrepairofmesaaz]

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[musingsofmaisie]

I've been thinking about why Aziraphale chose to say "I forgive you", trying to process what happened with that kiss not just in the context of who these two are, but how they feel about each other. Although I don't think it's a matter of Crowley wanting or not wanting forgiveness, it's that he knows that it's impossible and Aziraphale's saying it is painful to him. Almost like "temptation" is between them.

Crowley knows-knew-AND AZIRAPHALE KNOWS TOO, even though he seems to be lying to himself here-that Crowley would never, could never, have accepted the Metatron's offer.

Initially I thought that Crowley kissed Aziraphale after he saw how deeply wounded Az was after Crowley said "we could have been US". This was as clear an "It's over" that was possible to hear. And Az turned away so Crowley wouldn't see his facade crumple. OK. That's one possibility.

But then, thinking a bit more, and rewatching the scene (a lot), I wondered, WHAT IF AZIRAPHALE THOUGHT THAT CROWLEY WAS TRYING TO TEMPT HIM with that kiss?

Aziraphale seems like he's never really quite sure how to respond to the kiss. His eyes are wide open initially, and briefly widen further. He stiffens a bit-even if he doesn't pull away, he doesn't ever actually accept the kiss. His hands flutter, briefly land on Crowley's back, then flutter again. When they break apart, Aziraphale has a look on his face that appears almost angry. Crowley, of course is hidden behind his glasses so we can't be sure, but he looks heartbroken.

Obviously, "I forgive you" was the worst possible thing Aziraphale could have said in the moment. "Unforgivable" is what a demon IS. Crowley said it when they met in the bandstand.

So was Crowley apologizing to Aziraphale with that kiss, or was he the serpent urging Eve to eat the apple?

If all that we have to go on is their history (canon), I'm gonna solidly land on the side of it was a combination of an apology and a desperately sad farewell. Like something he might have seen in a movie. He knew it would not change the ending. But like so much of the last 15 minutes of the episode, it seems that Aziraphale misread it as Crowley trying to tempt him away from his decision, to his obvious dismay and bewilderment. He was already angry, I think. The irritation was apparent in his voice when he said "I don't hear anything" When Crowley said that the nightingales had stopped singing. It was a tone of voice I could never have imagined him using towards Crowley.

I say this because Crowley consistently sees Az as pure of heart and INCORRUPTIBLE, and in that moment he was certain that Az was not going to change his mind. Temptation would have been the least of his motivations. I doubt it even registered. The idea of temptation has been nothing more than a private joke between them for a very long time.

But Aziraphale, who seems to have forgotten a few thousand years of life lessons he learned with Crowley, is back to the Heaven-GOOD/Hell-BAD dichotomous thinking that has ensnared him so many times before. He's spent the season making eyes at Crowley, flirting with and touching him in manners way more bold that I would have expected, to then so decisively reject Crowley's declaration of love, and in such a way as to actually foreclose forgiveness. This isn't something an apology dance can or will ever fix.

@ao3cassandraic I just don't see it like that. I don't it's a question of quantifiable love at all. I don't think it's "sometimes love isn't enough" either. This is the part I'm struggling with. Aziraphale KNOWS that Crowley would never agree to his plan. It goes against everything he has known about Crowley for literally thousands of years. And yet he persisted. WHY? And why did the bewilderment/shock/dismay/horror and deepening sorrow that moved across Crowley's face not even register with him? Why was he surprised when Crowley put on his glasses and said "good luck" and started to leave?

And then why did he GO, after clearly telling the Metatron that he didn't want to, and not agreeing to do so, and yet "ready to start?" "oh, well, yes, ok, nothing at all". Az is a lot of things, but he's not a pushover.

And what the Hell did that smirky little grin at the end mean? None of this comports with the careful setup of the preceding episodes.

NGL I have so many questions. NONE OF THIS makes sense. I'm trying to figure out what the missing piece is. Not having any luck so far.

My two cents on Aziraphale's "I forgive you" is that he was straightforwardly lashing out. He knows how little Crowley wants to be forgiven. He knows because Crowley just told him. Crowley rejects forgiveness so absolutely that he rejects Aziraphale right along with it. It's the whole fight in a microcosm: Aziraphale standing there offering forgiveness and Crowley saying, I don't want it.

So maybe the words are Aziraphale showing he finally understands Crowley. He knows now that "I forgive you" is the very worst thing he could say to Crowley. That's why he says it. That's how he means it.

[deltabusinessadvisors]

AZBBA Newsletter - November 2022

- Broker Spotlight - Lisa Riley How did you get into the business brokerage industry? After leaving academia and moving to AZ, my husband’s dream was to build a home. Since his career was the impetus for our move, I was the GC of building our home.  Throughout the process, we had a ton of assistance and others began asking me to help them.  GC license or RE license?  2+ years or 2+ weeks? Decided to get a RE sales agent license to remodel, fix and assist others. In addition to the courses, I attended the career night on what you can do with a AZ RE license.  Lo & behold – you can sell businesses!  Who paid attention to the 2 minutes in the entire 90+ hours of courses?   As a researcher and having taught Demography courses, I dug in and interviewed both business brokers as well as business owners.  I thought, I can do this AND it really utilized all my skills better than house building/remodeling. Although both share the same basics – understand what the client wants & needs and ensure expectations are in alignment to increase the likelihood of a successful outcome. This was the same strategy I used in my prior Evaluation Company.  Additionally, I had researched the top organizations and I immediately joined AZBBA and IBBA. Both organizations have provided, and continue to provide, invaluable insight and support. What is your favorite thing about the industry? The people! This industry is made up of generous professionals willing to share their knowledge and experience. I don’t have to make the mistake to learn from it. Thus, I always learn something new every day – be it from a colleague, a client or an opportunity!  There’s always a solution to every issue – it’s just at what cost and is the cost worth it. What is the best or most interesting deal you haveworked on? One of my client’s was negative $1M in EBITDA (yes, EBITDA not SDE) when we went to market. As it was a lower middle market deal, there wasn’t an asking price.  The key to this opportunity was finding a buyer in the same space – who could qualify for the government contracts, keep the long-term loyal employees, and grow back the business to it’s former $3-$5M EBITDA.  It took us 2 years and two private equity groups (PEG) (the first PEG was bolting my client’s company on one they had acquired the prior year).  In the midst of our transaction, 1st PEG sold that company to another PEG.  Thankfully, the 2nd PEG was a better fit for that company and its owner really, really wanted my client’s company. He & I kept the deal together with the new PEG. LOTS of lessons learned in this one! What is the key to being a successful broker? Listen and Learn.  Understand the needs of seller and buyers in order to create win win scenarios. Have a great deal team to work with (Bankers, Lawyers, Accountants, etc.).Get Involved. As a member, volunteer, committee member, board member, and past chair of both the IBBA and AZBBA, giving back always increases your knowledge, bandwidth and bottom line.  As St. Francis of Assisi said, “…It is in giving that we receive…” What is the strangest experience you have had while showing a listing? As a relatively new broker, I had a client who owned and operated a small HVAC residential company.  He had a couple of crews and trucks, however, the owner was also active in the business. After reviewing his business, preparing him for buyer-seller meetings and ensuring that the right types of buyers were interested, Steve Ferber had an interested buyer who had reviewed the Confidential Information Memorandum and wanted to move forward with a meeting! YEAH!During this meeting on a hot summer day, my client just kept repeating that he wanted to sell because he ‘didn’t want to die on the roof.’  Needless to say, he had NEVER said anything like that in any of my prior meetings with him. Steve’s buyer did NOT move forward with the purchase. Ask Steve about his perspective, although he may not recall it, I was mortified!  My client & I rehearsed for future meetings, discussed what went well and what didn’t (a repeat of what we had practiced prior to that meeting).  It was now time for a meeting with a second buyer…which had a very similar result. When we struck out the 3rd time, I decided that the best path forward was to part ways as we were going to have similar results and our contract was ending. The likelihood of someone purchasing this business was slim to none due to the self-sabotaging of the owner, who may not have been ready to let go. Lessons Learned:  Get to True Motivation & Move on Quickly. What do you do on your day(s) off? I enjoy traveling, hiking, wine tasting and overall exploring with my husband.  We also enjoy woodworking (built cabinets for our home and found out, wow, we get exactly what we want) and gardening. There is never a dearth of activities to do or places to go! As published in the AZBBA Newsletter - November 2022 Read the full article

[sushisempai]

Untitled Nessian Generational Fluff (1/?)

Sorry not sorry.

I finally worked out one of my head canons and basically just went for it. I litterally haven’t written fanfiction in like.... well a while.

After I finished this I realized there will probably be more where this came from.

Still not sorry.

---

When Nyx was about three the cuteness overwhelmed her and Nesta finally approached Cassian about trying to get pregnant. Cassian had been clear that he wanted kids but every time the topic came up he had said it was her choice. He’d had a long life before her and wanted her to have time as well. It had been the flying lessons if she was being honest with herself. She had no idea if their children would have wings or not, but watching Cassian toss Nyx over his head had been too much.

Rhys, of course, had been the first to toss the little guy. See, once Nyx had started walking, his wings had begun to move more and more on their own. Rhys, Cassian, and even Emerie when she was there, would run a finger down the outside edge of his wings when he dragged them on the ground. Instinctually the boy would lift them up. Apparently this was totally normal to Illyrians.

After a time he naturally held them up and used them to balance. Then the arguing started. Cassian and Mor had been right in the middle of everything with Feyre, Nyx, and Rhys from day one and wanted to see all the milestones they could. Az had stayed back a bit more but his curiosity had been evident on his face. When Nyx was about 18 months old there had been a long conversation about it over dinner and Cassian had insisted on being present. Nesta and Feyre had looked at Rhys to see if this was even a reasonable demand but Rhys had laughed and agreed. Finally, Rhys relented and had a family get together for Nyx’s first flying lesson. This was apparently an Illyrian thing that no one had told Feyre about, much to her chagrin. Rhys, who was not big on formality, had been hoping to avoid a ceremony or anything like that.

The first time Nesta truly understood the depth of Azriel’s childhood deprivation had been when she’d seen his surprise at the way the others taught Nyx how to handle his wings. They were so gentle with him and Az’s face had shown a sort of awe that Nesta could not possibly quantify. That was when she’d decided, somewhere deep down and private, that Az would be involved with her children whether he had his own or not. Though she hadn’t voiced this to Cassian until much, much later, and it had brought silver to her mates eyes.

Nesta finally understood all the debate as she watched Rhys lovingly toss the boy up several times, until the instinct kicked in. Nyx had flipped his wings out and his initial squeal had turned into a shriek of delight. Absolute joy had progressed to understanding and awe as his wings caught the air and he came back down to his father more slowly. Everyone had been mesmerized as Rhys had tossed him a few more times before saying he needed to let his little wings rest.

After that day there wasn’t a day that went by without one of the family tossing him up or swinging him around as his wings grew stronger. The joy they all shared as they taught him, the joy on her mates face at this thing he shared with the child. Everything they all shared with the child, not only flight, but absolutely everything, had worn her fears down and even made her jealous. So she waited for the right time to talk to her mate.

---

He’d commented one morning over breakfast that he would be seeing Madja that day, and would she like him to get her some contraceptive tea as she was running low. She smiled at him and said playfully, “What would you think if I told you not to worry about it?” He’d stopped midbite and dropped his pastry, which had of course made her laugh.

He’d blurted “Are you saying you want me to take the tonic? Which, of course, I will happily do. Or are you saying something else? Don’t toy with me, Nes.” His face had been so serious that she had stopped laughing.

More gently this time she said “No, I really think I’m ready.” At his continued stare she smiled and nodded encouragingly.

Cassian had come around the table to grab her and swing her around as he laughed. Then he’d kissed her soundly and rumbled “Now I wish I didn’t have such a busy day.”

“We can start tonight.” she’d said pushing him back and returning to her seat. “It’s not like there is a hurry!”

“Speak for yourself! I’m over 500 and I’ve wanted to make my own family for most of that time.”

She’d smiled softly at the truth he’d let slip but only said “Don’t talk about your age. It’s weird.” And gone back to her breakfast.

---

Despite their joy it had taken a few cycles for her to get pregnant and each time her cycle came it had broken her heart to see Cassian’s disappointment. But he’d only shaken his head and said not to worry about it. He’d curled up with her on the bed and rubbed her aching back and they’d talked about anything and everything until the pain had passed. That was when she had told him about wanting Azriel to be involved.

The second cycle after they had started to try Cassian said out of the blue. “Serious question Nes.”

“Serious answer may have some foul language.” She’d grumbled.

He’d chuckled and dropped a kiss on her cheek. “I know you want one baby.” Her eyes had slanted towards him though her sour expression did not change. “Do you want more than one?”

“I know you want more than one.” She’d retorted.

“I’m serious. We’ve never talked about it.”

She’d only rolled her eyes and groaned as she turned towards him and buried her face in his chest. This was the worst cycle she’d ever had. “At this point, I may never stop having babies if it means I never have to do this again.”

“You promised a serious answer and that is not one.”

She thought for a moment and finally admitted “I honestly don’t know how many I want. I don’t even know what it’s like to have one. Can we decide later?”

“Of course we can. And even if we decide on one thing we can always change it.” She’d only nodded into his chest before drifting off to sleep as he gently stroked her back.

---

Sometimes she hurt badly enough that she didn’t want company or to talk but only to sleep. He never took it personally, which she appreciated, and it had worked out well, because when Delphi had shown up the labor had not been pretty, even with an Illyrian pelvis, and despite the girl not having wings, though Nesta hoped she would someday be able to summon them, as Rhys did.

Delphi had been a big healthy baby and Nesta was smaller than many Illyrian women if not most high Fae. It had been very helpful that Cassian had already been immune to her barbs and known how to read her moods.

She’d carried the girl low in her pelvis and hadn’t shown for a while which had made Feyre jealous at first. It had also made it easier for her to keep up training at her normal pace, which Madja had to reassure Cassian about repeatedly. Though Gwyn, Emerie, and the other priestesses and Valkyries noticed the change in her scent quickly and fussed over her almost as much as Cassian; her friends had also been quick to reassure her mate that she could keep up normal activities.

Eventually Madja had realized it was the combination of no wings and the altered anatomy that made her carry the babe so low, something she said would have occurred to her faster if Nesta had been fully Illyrian. She had apologized to Nesta and explained that she would probably have to turn the babe manually when she got closer to delivery, a complication, but nothing compared to the alternative that Feyre had gone through. Madja, she learned, had done the same thing for Rhys’ mother. They’d all been silently grateful and Nesta had not complained.

Cassian had been amazing through the whole pregnancy, though she often told him he got off easy because the house got her whatever she wanted even when he wasn’t there. When they had realized how big the girl would be she’d given him sour looks and tart replies for days. He’d always told her that he could take whatever she needed to give, and he’d proven it in spades. Azriel had still been mostly living at The House of Wind at the time and had witnessed a lot of it.

“This is what I get for having a huge, muscle bound brute for a mate.” She had whined over dinner. Azriel had chuckled to himself.

“Careful, Nes, or all this flirting will have me climbing over this table to get to you.” Azriel had choked on his food, laughing as she’d rolled her eyes. Cassian had grinned back at her and she knew he was thinking of other things that had happened at this table.

Nesta was still surprised when Azriel had such strong reactions, thinking he should be used to them by now. But he’d recovered quickly before asking, “Does that mean you’re not going to do the whole pregnancy thing again? You know he’s still going to be a big male next time, too.”

Cassian had bobbed his eyebrows at them but Nesta was thoughtful for a moment before she answered “We had talked about doing it again.” and looked at Cassian.

True to his word he’d said seriously. “Your choice. You know I’ll support whatever you decide.” Az had smiled at his brother and gone back to his food.

Later that night when they’d been curled up in bed she’d finally admitted “Even with your stupid contributions making them larger, I really do love that I am carrying your babe.”

His smile had been so sincere as he’d quipped, “It’s big of you to admit it.” that she’d grinned as well as punching his shoulder.

“Ok now who’s not being serious.” She retorted.

He’d wrapped his arms a little tighter around her. “Nesta, you have brought so much joy to my life I don’t have the words to tell you. The child in your womb is just one piece of that. I am a very lucky male already.”

“If I’m going to put my body through this, I guess I’m going to do it all.” She drawled as if this was not a serious topic about their future together. “This one doesn’t have wings right? Well, maybe the next one will.” He’d only blinked at her and smiled, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

“Whatever you say, Nes.” his grin and warmth audible and she knew without a doubt it would be her choice, but that he hoped for more.

Absolutely the whole family had been shocked, save Cassian who had just smiled with pure male pride, when she’d told them over dinner, a few days later, that she wasn’t planning to go back on her tea after the birth. Feyre had said “Wait until the babe is in your arms. You’ll change your mind.”

---

Easily the biggest surprise of her pregnancy had been Cortez.

Something had changed in Cassian. His love and ease with her had always been there, but he gained a new confidence that was harder to put her finger on. Until one day he’d come into the family library and sat down across from her looking very serious. 

She’d been reading turned sideways in a comfy armchair, feet over the arm in a futile effort to keep them from swelling after her morning exercises. She’d furrowed her brows and looked him up and down. She could practically feel the cold coming off of his leathers from three feet away. As cold as it was in Velaris it was colder in the camps this time of year. “Did everything go alright with inspections today?” She asked, starting to move. Immediately, he was there, grabbing her knees, helping her rotate before planting her feet on the floor and sitting back down. He took the book from her hands, marking it with a ribbon and setting it aside. A worried expression came to her face, he was so serious.

Then he took her hands in his and continued “I want to bring home a boy.”

“I’m sorry?” She wasn’t sure she’d heard him right. “Did you say you want to bring someone home? To here? To live with us?”

“I know it’s a lot to ask,” He began. “There is a boy at Devlin’s camp. He was dropped there today by another, much colder camp, believe it or not. I think they didn’t want to have to deal with him.” She could read the anger in his face as he stared into the distance and continued. “I guess his father died in the battle with Hybern and his mother died in the outbreak earlier this winter. He doesn’t have any other family. I talked to Emerie and he’s with her for the night but it’s not a long term solution.” His eyes went to his feet. “I don’t even know our child yet, but I know I couldn’t bear it if they were left out in the cold like this.”

Nesta felt her mind begin to race as he raised his eyes to hers again and tried to read what he saw there. She pulled a hand from his and rested it on her swollen belly. His voice was solemn and she wasn’t even sure what she felt.

She must have thought for too long because he looked away and began to babble nervously. “He’s a sweet child... nine years old... and, Nes, he’s got no one...”

“Cassian, Cassian...” She stopped him with a hand to his cheek and his face and he froze before she met his eyes and continued. “What is his name?”

“Cortez.”

She smiled, “I like it.” His eyes widened a little with hope before she added “I would be lying if I said I was completely alright with this, but I’m more overwhelmed than anything else. We have the room. And one thing I do know is that I don’t want to leave a child in the cold. We both know what that is like. Can I come to Windhaven tomorrow to meet him?”

His smile melted her heart as he pulled her close, “Yes, of course!” and she’d already suspected the boy was to be theirs, and as much as any child can be.

---

Feyre had winnowed herself and Nesta into the camp and Cassian had been waiting with the boy. She looked him over carefully and he looked right back. He had dark Illyrian coloring, velvety brown skin, dark hair, a mess of untamed curls, and chocolate eyes.

“Yes ma’am.” he answered. “It was kind of her to let me stay there. At the last camp they just gave me a tent. Do I need to do anything to make up for it?” Cassian’s back had stiffened and Nesta had looked to the snow on the ground outside. She knew Cortez was emotionally fragile, but if anyone was prepared for that it was Nesta and Cassian.

“Tez, this is my mate, Nesta.” They boy looked to her rounded stomach and then up at Cassian as if asking him a question. “I told him that I wanted him to meet you, but nothing else. Come on.” Cassian had elaborated. The four of them had walked into Rhys’ mother’s house and sat down.

Feyre had asked the boy “I understand you stayed with Emerie last night.” Nesta was glad to have Feyre along as she had an easy way about her with children that Nesta could not always master.

Nesta’s mind was made up. “No, Cortez, you don’t need to do anything. You are a child, and it is our job to take care of you, even if we aren’t your parents, even if some of the other adults have forgotten that fact.” Feyre had looked at her with a little shock and no small amount of pride. Cassian’s shoulders relaxed as pride shone on his face as well. “Are you enjoying the training? Is it important to you?” Though her words had been strong the boy showed no sign of being upset by them.

Cortez had studied his hands and mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like what he thought he was expected to say about Illyrian males, honor, and warriors. Finally Nesta had continued. “Would you like to come live with Cassian and I? You could train with the Valkyries if you want. Or you could do other things. It would be your choice. It’s all your choice.”

His head had snapped up and he’d looked very seriously at Nesta before looking up to Cassian with very wide eyes. Cassian nodded as he rested a hand on the boy’s small shoulder. Cortez swallowed hard and Nesta wasn’t sure the boy was breathing when he looked back to Nesta and nodded his head. An hour later they’d been settling him into The House of Wind.

---

@swankii-art-teacher @wesupremeginger @elsie-bells @perpetuallyannoyedbisexual

Edited to add more damage.

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