#actually yeah that's probably why. huh.
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just gonna come up here and say that when i was a kid the song girlfriend by avril lavigne was a lesbian song
#i didn't even know the word lesbian back then#the only wlw thing i knew was ruby and sapphire from su#but despite that this was the gayest song i knew for some reason#maybe it's because i knew it from just dance and the song had two girl dancers#actually yeah that's probably why. huh.#ethan's yapping again
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if they dont show us what happened to sae in spain i will actually explode
#reaper rants#not me rereading manga again smh#blue lock#rin itoshi#sae itoshi#well#hes here in spirit#anyway#something happened out there. listen to me#the itoshi brothers are all that my fanfiction is circling around rn#i NEED TO KNOW#PLEASE#someone probably told him some soul crushing shit#but then thatd show how weak sae actually is#or how weak he looked to rin because why would you just bail on our dream like that huh??#ugh them#BUT THEN SAE'S WEAKNESS (AS A REALIZATION) PROBABLY CAME AFTER RIN THINKING HE LIED THIS WHOLE TIME#and was just using him to get to the top#and now hes discarded#OUGH#but i think sae didn't MEAN to blow up on him like that ok??#he was hurt and i know it#im literally him#dude#LISTEN. it's an older sibling thing ok? shhh#yeah#long tags tw#because rant
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me, constantly: one of the most frustrating things about playing for this DM is that he clearly just wants to have things happen to the characters without anyone ever questioning why
me to this DM, explaining felix: his entire thing as a character is that whenever anything happens he wants to find out as much information as possible about what's going on and why
me about his backstory: so my concept is that Something happened to him and he doesn't have any information about it so he's desperate to find out what exactly happened and why
DM: okay here's what I was thinking we'd do for your backstory: you went to this place seeking this group and talked to this person there and then, immediately after that, Something Happened. like, very obviously directly connected to that person and their group, which you already know about, and whom you'd obviously already know exactly how to find again if you wanted to get more information on what (else) exactly happened and why
#me-- dissociating: ....... well........... that wouldn't work. actually. because why would I not.... have already solved the mystery.#if I knew. exactly who did it to me. and exactly where to find them. if I wanted to investigate it.#which. I would. because that is. literally my character's entire concept.#and also. the entire CONCEPT. OF EVEN HAVING A BACKSTORY MYSTERY. TO GIVE FELIX SOMETHING HE'S ACTIVELY INVESTIGATING.#like first of all he got hung up on an incidental detail of the concept (the thing that happened left some kind of mark [a clue!])#and centered THAT such that the mystery HE thought he was giving me was 'but what does the MARKING ITSELF do'#but even with THAT being shifted to center I had to be like...... stephen............... he would just ask???#that's not a mystery 😭 why would I not have already gone to where I know the information is and then gotten it 😭#'oh huh yeah I guess he probably would just go back to those people' YEAH BUD. WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD HE NOT.#YOU NEEDED ME TO TELL YOU THIS??#I'm not trying to pick apart your house of cards like an asshole!! I'm just trying to SURFACE LEVEL engage with the game!!#ALL MY FRIENDS DM. I HAVE NEVER HAD THESE PROBLEMS WITH ANY OF THE REST OF THEM. I PROMISE YOU IT'S NOT ME.#[on my knees screaming into my hands]
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P.E. funtimes
#edward nashton#riddlebat#doodles#fanart#au enseñanza media#i probably should write some about these guys huh#jon is exempt from pe because in this au his health is garbage#i gave joker a legal name lol#arthur napier bc i like the idea of him having a normalcore first name#he runs with converse shoes bc he never wears anything else and neither does bruce#ed sweats and heaves and feels like hes dying but he's actually decent at pe#the last doodle i did with like school sports events in mind#i only ever had one where i participated and it was kinda fun but mostly boring#it was wicked early and on a saturday#and we had to be in uniform even tho it was the weekend#idk why but being in uniform on a weekend feels all kinds of humilliating when youre a teen#anyways i pictured ed having to do the 3 leg race with bruce bc he's the only one who is not a head shorter that him#oh and in my head joker is stretchy but also very reckless so he breaks bones anyways#which is why i draw him with a cast on his arm#i think sometimes he'd break a leg too but i like the look of the arm cast#i imagine that bruce ed and jon look forward to drawing on his new casts everytime he comes back with a new one#and yeah the name arthur is a joker movie reference
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The lil corner of the Good Omens fandom that I generally see is getting more and more into publicly declaring that That Theory I Dislike Is Bad And People Who Ascribe To It Should Feel Bad, and I don't know if it's really new, or if I was just lucky enough to generally be missed with that shit the last four years.
Different people's brains work differently, which means they will notice things, form interpretations, maybe come to extremely firm conclusions, all different from each others'. Different from mine, different from yours.
I get that some people think that they have the brain which produces the Objectively Superior theories (and/or which can easily determine which other people's theories are the Objectively Inferior ones). I just really missed the memo where Your Interpretation Is Not My Interpretation (And That's Okay) was dragged out back and fucking shot.
Anyway this blog is an "I may not agree with your theory but you may trust that I won't publicly heap scorn upon the very idea of having it" zone if anyone was wondering.
#negativity#discourse type stuff#apparently i can't turn off replies to a specific post? but i am Not Interested in discussing why that kind of behavior is okay actually#also Not Interested in hearing about how i'm overreacting#unless you are prepared to prove that you have personally catalogued everything that I have read/seen/etc on this topic#this is not about any one specific post just about the bizarrely judgemental zeitgeist#also not about any of the posts where someone is like 'huh i know people like this theory but i'm not sure here let me tell you why'#i've always seen posts like those and those are great because YTINMTATO remains intact#JUST. yeah. Not Interested in discussing this at all really#but i've seen some posts that made me feel bad for being so unthinking as to ever find merit in this or that theory#and i'm probably not the only one feeling bad?#so you can think x character is fake or y character is secretly running everything from behind the curtain or z object was drugged#(or none of these things at all!!)#and i 100% promise i am not scoffing at the foolishness of falling for such a completely unsupported idea#i PROMISE i am not going to be mean#because if i wanted to *reduce* the amount of kindness in the world then i wouldn't have created the fucking Soft Zone now would I
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#something i've heard a lot in my many years of navigating the mental healthcare system is stuff along the lines of#'yeah these tend to be problems you really only see in smart people. you overthink things' and it's just like#no i really don't think having a brain that can spit out a million different possibilities and alternate explanations a minute (almost all#of them Deeply Pessimistic at best) is an inherent sign of intelligence actually. i think you're just saying that to buy my favor.#which like. yeah. carrot and stick. i guess.#but at the same time like. if you actually thought any of us were smart why would you assume such a tactic would work on us#why would you assume we wouldn't immediately see through it?#and if you're using niceties to buy our compliance (which we thus can assume you're not taking as a given)#why are you assuming that those of us who Do see through it are nice enough to spare others' feelings and not immediately call you out?#or do you think we're so desperate for affection we won't care and will just take your scraps anyway? probably the last one huh.#Ugh.#what an ugly thing.
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and another thing, I'm sick of people acting like they/them pronouns are just the third gender instead of being gender neutral/outside of the gender binary. idk who decided that they/them pronouns when referring to a person of unknown gender is misgendering & transphobic but they need to go fuck themself i think
#''but that's a strawman argument! no one said that!'' yeah they did. i'm mad about it because i've seen it on tumblr#there's whole posts saying that if you use they/them pronouns instead of just automatically knowing the correct ones you're transphobic#if i can't find pronouns on someone's blog i'm just gonna defer to they/them. as i have for the past 20 years#not to sound like That but i think people need to calm down. is they/them pronouns really something to get mad at#........................................................................................................#huh actually i just realized something. is it because of the whole transwomen getting they/them-ed thing#that people now just associate nonbinary pronouns with transphobia. because they're fucking stupid#holy transphobia batman! they're blaming the pronouns instead of the person!#i just came here to rant i didn't actually expect to find out the real reason why or anything#for real you can't expect people to automatically know your pronouns. people aren't mind readers#you are probably gonna get misgendered. you have to stop assuming it's actively malicious every single time#as someone who has had people misgender me all the time throughout my life i literally don't care#because it doesn't fucking matter. because i can tell when people don't mean to cause harm#& the people who do i don't give a shit about because fuck em#like i get the anger & how it can feel so righteous but also you have to learn when to shut up & stop to think#''is this actually malicious or am i just angry'' is a great question you need to keep at the front of your mind
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Dear Brynlee,
With great detachment and shame I have just realized a moment ago that beside Dainsleif, I know not of any others that you may favour from the Genshin Universe. Lord Ayato, perhaps? I wouldn't be so sure about him; regardless I hope you would answer my question and forgive my impudence for having delayed this for so long.
With Love,
Chryseis Valois. [ik. this is only needed for anons. i just wanted a cool name😂]
Dearest Chryseis,
Please don't ask for forgiveness nor should you feel shame, especially since you do have it right. The only man I care most deeply in that universe was the boughkeeper.
He reminds me of His Majesty, King Dimitri. I've always entertained the notion that if the latter and I were born in a more equal societal footing, we might end up as partners in knighthood. I think somewhere out in that alternate realm, "Dainsleif" and my counterpart had committed to achieving that dream. In addition, he and I are currently working together on a project— and I believe Dainsleif does find my face familiar prior to our meeting.
Lord Kamisato? Well... He... literally sounds a lot like Dimitri. I've heard his voice. I had the privilege to talk to one of his versions several times when the soul was misplaced. I quite like him. As for finding a semblance of romantic attraction towards him, that's another complicated matter. I don't believe I am as fond of him as Dainsleif. But I can't be too sure...
I suppose if we're talking about admiration, "Duke" Wriothesley and architect Kaveh have their charms. The duke is quite the smooth talker and has the suaveness to pull it off. Meanwhile Kaveh has a certain "relatability" factor fellow artists would nod at. Do I find myself sparking a romantic attraction for either men? Unlikely.
This is likely such a disappointing answer. As much as I liked traversing Teyvat, I doubt I'd find my soulmate there. It's similar to looking at a restaurant's menu, appreciating its variety, but has no intent in placing an order. That... Probably sounds ridiculous.
All my love,
- Brynlee <3
#I keep making English voice actor references im sorry that's how i mostly judge who to pull HAHAHHA#Ayato and wrio gets privileges for sharing the same voice as dimitri and claude i do not make the rules-#Heizou and I would be like pancakes and waffles- too much for one breakfast and will probably spark a deranged debate between friends in#A fun way /silly#$ support conversations#$ a support = cherry#Looking back... Huh... Yeah... Why don't I have actual genshin crushes HAHAHAH#I played that game like an adoption simulator. Childe turned from husband to my sweet boyfailure son#I was just going around adopting grown men and women HAHAHAHA#Also feel free to have dope names that last name is cool as heck#I can list my genshin besties (literally all white haired red eyed characters are my family such as kazu razor ning itto cyno qiqi-)#and my enemies (ayat-) *cough* alhaitham and.... Uh Alhaitham^2 /j. But crushes... I have zero clue#My absolute girl bestie would be faruzan kokomi and dehya too tho like wed be unstoppable HAHAHAH
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"i thought you said you'd make an effort" MOTHERFUCKER THIS IS ONLY COMPLAINT #1 OUT OF A VERY LONG LIST JUST BE GRATEFUL I CAN WAIT UNTIL THE GUESTS ARE GONE TO SNAP
#YEAH I MAKE AN EFFORT THATS WHY I ONLY COMPLAIN ABOUT THE STUFF I REALLY CANNOT DEAL WITH LONGTERM#god#it's just#incredibly annoying how my mom just goes OUT OF HER WAY to shrink the scope again when i just explained to her what would work#''so you can't speak up and if we do nothing it doesn't work'' yeah no shit then speak up YOU then. like i just said you probably should#i mean. you did say you don't control what guests bring. BUT YES YOU DO#yes you can speak to them about it#you can discuss and make it less systematic#you can express your thoughts#so you actually just lie to sympathize with me but you don't give a shit#and yet you still act like you tried everything like you just don't know what else could be done#i told you what was my problem i told you what would make it better#say you have other priorities#say you expect me to make an effort and not to be the fucking freak i was my whole childhood#that you were kind enough to tolerate most of the time#even though i was sooooo fucking weird when you knew i had problems but couldn't categorize them so why would i need to do things different#say you don't understand why i hurts me if i can ''try to make an effort''#sorry the only kind of family reunion we have is food-based and i can't try and have good relationships w my family if i dont can it#and eat whatever's in front of me so that they can be happy i'm finally normal and grown up#god jesus christ#yeah it IS your house and i don't get to veto or force anything#dont act surprised when your smart plan for dealing with difficult things is expect your kid to shut the fuck up about any problem they hav#and then huh. weird. your kid isn't happy.#i try to foster a good relationship holy shit#i try to go past the things i don't like and compromise and engage w them#how is that not doing my best#i'm sorry i don't feel great when difficult things happen and also i can't control any of it#when you can and you've also shown me many time i can't expect actually meaningful support from you#broadcasting my misery#vent
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DEATH TW and mentions of murder so if that is triggering for you don’t read, but if it’s not then i’d like to ask if you’ve heard of forensic genealogy? while i am uneasy at the prospect of using it to find suspects, it can also be used to find the identities of unidentified decedents, who die of accidental causes or are murdered, and often it’s the only hope to identify those who have been unidentified for decades. the dna doe project is a nonprofit that’s mostly volunteer run, and i think that your research skills could be useful there or somewhere like there. i know this is kind of a random ask to receive, identification of unidentified remains is my special interest but i don’t have the time or training to get better at researching beyond a few tricks here and there.
I feel like we've read the same articles recently; did you see the tumblr post (and linked articles) about Joseph Augustus Zarelli, the Boy in the Box?
Which is to say, yes, I am aware of forensic genealogy and the DNA Doe Project, because like many white American women, I'm a true crime junkie.* My big Thing is investigative procedure tho, so I'm also deeply interested in plane & train crash investigations, medical mysteries, archaeology, anthropology... basically 'what happened, and by which processes and methods do we figure out what happened?'
So far as getting into the game myself, I dunno. I assume there's probably some sort of required formal training, along with the expectation of reliability and sustained effort, and I'm a chronically ill autodidact with ADHD. I'm the research equivalent of a sprinter; investigative genealogy requires a marathoner, because there's so much exhausting, grinding work involved.
Something I've never seen brought up before in any investigation is how many extant family trees are just wrong. Genealogical sites make it too easy to crib notes from other users, and all it takes is one person deciding 'eh that's probably the right guy' for dozens of other amateur researchers to make the same mistake, and then somebody ties that erroneous information to their DNA profile. I don't know how the forensic genealogists deal with that.
You also have to take into account how many people throughout history have just gone missing, or otherwise fallen off the historical record. Just because someone's date of death is absent doesn't mean something nefarious happened to them. (Just because someone's date of death is present doesn't mean it's correct.) People emigrate. They marry. They change their names. They die alone and unknown in a ditch**, or they die somewhere that doesn't make those records public***. Paper records can burn or flood out, and family stories rarely make it down more than one or two generations. History is messy.
I've only done serious research into my family background for two years, in fits and starts interrupted by illness flare ups. Half the time it feels like I find more questions to ask than I get answers. I've found a pair of illegitimate daughters and a handful of adoptees. I've found some two dozen 'missing persons' who may as well have disappeared into thin air, for how suddenly they dropped out of the historical record. I've found a murder victim and a (maybe) would-be murderess.
And four months ago, I found the answer to another family's 150 year old missing person case, and it changed everything I thought I knew about my mother's family.
This is how.
Five months ago, I thought I knew everything there was that could be known about John Robert McDowell.
I knew he was born July 1st of either 1868 or 1869, in Belfast, Northern Ireland. According to his naturalization petition, he came to the United States in April of 1883, when the absolute oldest he could have been was fourteen, and at the time of his naturalization in 1896 he claimed his nationality was English, presumably due to anti-Irish sentiments at the time.
I knew John's handwriting was idiosyncratic: he wrote the J in his name with a rightward upper loop that scooped up again before curving back around the center staff, and his uppercase R was a mess of curlicues. I've never seen the like before or since.
I knew that despite living in America for ten years longer than he'd lived outside it, John still had an accent in 1908 when his second son was born. Spelling is incredibly inconsistent across historical records because up until very recently, it was the practice of the record keepers to write down their best guess at what they heard, and in 1908 a midwife heard and recorded John's surname as McDoul.
John's life was actually remarkably well-documented, in comparison to his contemporaries. I bought myself access to Newspapers.com along with my Ancestry subscription, and he made semi-regular appearances in the Newport News Daily Press for the better part of thirty years as a Navy veteran, successful entrepreneur, and president of a labor union that later became the United Steelworkers Local 8888. (A seemingly throwaway notice in the Daily Press was the only record I've yet been able to find for his divorce, which eventually led me to find out whatever happened to his wife, which is another saga entirely. Pauline, you dirty rotten cheater.)
I knew that John was in and out of the hospital with thyroid cancer, but he was such a tough old bastard it took the better part of fifteen years to kill him, and he died in 1954 at the age of 86.****
According to John's death certificate (and the U.S. Government records at the VA hospital where he died), his parents' names were Thomas McDowell and Isabell Rabb (or possibly Robb, the Accent strikes again.)
This is the only record linked to either of them on Ancestry.com at all.
I have most of a history degree, so I wasn't surprised. There are next to no records of the 1890 census of the United States, and that was down to a fire in the National Archives. Ireland was dragged backwards through hell by the ankles for centuries by a succession of British monarchs and governments, and Belfast was in the prime of especially conflicted territory for much of it. No census records from John's lifetime were kept, and the likelihood his parents would show up in the surviving fragments from 1841 and 1851 was slim to none.
There were transcribed indexes from birth and marriage records available, at least, and I scoured them through, looking for a John McDowell, and there wasn't a single damn one born to a Thomas or Isabelle McDowell in a decade on either side of 1868. There wasn't any record I could find at all of a Thomas McDowell marrying an Isabelle Rabb until well after John left Ireland.
Five months ago, as far as I knew, John Robert McDowell was probably a bastard, who'd either been left out of whatever records were taken at the time, or he was one of the unfortunate ones whose birth record had been lost.
Four months ago, I realized that the record indexes on Ancestry included film numbers, which meant there were pictures of those records to be found somewhere. If they were organized chronologically, I could try to find his birth registration that way. Googling "ireland civil registration records" brought me to the Civil Records search page of a genealogy site run by, of all things, the Irish government's tourism department.
Once again, there wasn't a John McDowell born to the right parents during the right time period, so I went looking for his parents' marriage. And found it.
If they married in 1872, John would probably still technically be a bastard, but I had a point to start from. Once I clicked into the actual scan of the record I nearly snapped myself in half sitting upright in attention, because Thomas McDowell's father's name was Duncan, John named his eldest son Duncan, Isabella's father's name was John, I had to have the right two people, this couldn't be a coincidence.
And then I noticed Isabella was a widow. Isabella was a widow.
Who was your husband, and when did he die, Isabella? I searched again, and found her marriage to a Thomas Logan July 30th, 1866. No men named Thomas Logan died in Belfast between 1866 and 1870, which meant he was probably still alive when John was born. It meant I had been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.
John Robb Logan came into the world on July 1st, 1868, in the Ballymacarrett district of Belfast, the second child of four born to Thomas Logan and Isabella Robb. Once I knew what I was looking for the rest came easy.
John's early life was riddled with tragedies. His younger brother Joseph was six months old when he died in March of 1870. His father died of smallpox in December of the same year, exactly one month after the birth of his sister Mary. Three months before his fifth birthday, his first half-sibling Bella died, at just five months old. And in 1879, his older brother William died after a long, miserably drawn-out illness from spinal tuberculosis.
(As an aside, god, poor Isabella. She had four children with Thomas Logan, and a further nine with Thomas McDowell, and before her early death from a long respiratory illness she buried a husband, two sons, and two daughters. How do you go on after that, how are you not forever shattered?)
If I hadn't been sure I'd found the right family, I was after William died. Thomas McDowell was the person who reported William's death to the registrar's office after sitting by his deathbed. The registrar recorded William as a "child of [the] baker" that Thomas was by profession; Thomas McDowell claimed his stepson as his own.
Duncan McDowell, John's step-grandfather, had a family burial plot in Ballygowan, and he named William Adam Logan as his grandson, with no qualifiers, when they buried him.
All the evidence suggests that the McDowells loved John Robb Logan and his siblings, and he loved them back every bit as much. You don't choose to take on the surname of people you hate, and it seems very much the case that John chose to go by McDowell when he came to America. I'm honestly not sure there was a way for Thomas McDowell to bequeath his name to his stepchildren, given John's brother William died a Logan and his sister Mary married as one.
John Robb Logan disappeared from history after his baptism, and John Robert McDowell made his first confirmed appearance in the historical record in 1883, but I was certain they were one and the same. The problem was proving it to my mother, because McDowell was her family name. She'd grown up with it, as had her sisters and her dozens of cousins and her father and his siblings and her father's father; I only had a paper trail arguing the name she knew didn't belong to any of them by blood.
So I went for blood.
I refuse to give my DNA to Ancestry.com on a principle born from paranoia and ethics concerns. It's absolutely not happening, ever, like hell do I expect a corporation to do the right thing with my genetic material. My mother doesn't share my concerns, either now or four years ago, when she bought an Ancestry DNA kit and then did absolutely nothing with her results besides marvel at the unexpected Swedish heritage in her 'Ethnicity Estimate' because doing anything else looked like too much work.
It took a few days to figure out how to hook my mother's DNA results into the tree I've built, and a few more for all the features to populate, but all told it took less than a week between learning the truth about my great-great-grandfather's parentage and proving it irrefutably with DNA, via several descendants of his full-blooded sister Mary and a grandson of his half-brother Wallace.
Ancestry doesn't tell you when new DNA matches are found, or when someone adds you to their tree (and thank god for that, my mother has somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty thousand matches). To those descendants of Mary Thomasina Logan, the handful of John's descendants who've shelled out for Ancestry DNA kits could be any random person. Frequently the relationships between matches aren't clear, because of all the folks like my mom who never add a tree to their results, or those who don't try to go any further back than their grandparents.
As far as Mary Logan's descendants know, the sons of Thomas Logan dead-ended his line, and when I do find John in their trees there's never more than a birth year and a blank space where there would usually be a year of death. (They all have the wrong Isabella Robb too, but I don't really blame them; apparently Isabella was one of the most popular names for girls for well over a century, and Robbs weren't exactly thin on the ground.)
Someday soon, I'm going to reach out. People who study genealogy do it because they're looking for something: long lost relatives, answers to questions asked too late, or even a better, more personal understanding of history by learning about the people who were there when it happened. Every family has its mysteries and this one, at least, could be solved.
John's story doesn't end here. Here is where it begins.
~
*I'm aware of the problematic nature of White Lady True Crime Brain Poisoning, but I'm gonna have to pull the 'I'm not like other girls' card. I'm incredibly discerning about my crime shows, I hate the fucking cops, and I'm realistic about how unbelievably low my chances are of ever being the victim of a violent crime. I'm white, I'm broke as shit, I'm built like a running back and walk like the Terminator, and most importantly, I'm single and planning to stay that way for the rest of my life. The only way I'm getting murdered is if I happen to get caught in a random mass shooting, which isn't outside the realm of possibility because America.
**In case anyone's gotten this far and is still interested, there's strong evidence that the mystery of the Somerton Man was finally solved last year. At some point I'd like to take a look at the tree the forensic genealogists built tho, because I have some Doubts. There was only one person in that family that fell off the map in the 40's? Just one? I was lightning-strike kinds of lucky enough to find John's real parentage, but I dug up more unanswered questions with it, because two of his half-brothers dropped out of the records after 1901. Completely setting aside the possibility of infidelity in the Webb family and how common inbreeding has been (both historically and in recent memory) in populations of European descent, I have a hard time buying that Carl Webb was the only person who could be the Somerton Man. It's still cool as shit that they have a strong possibility tho.
***Maryland and Kansas specifically can blow me, if somebody died in either of those states I have to find an obituary or a tombstone to get the mcfrickin' date, and I have to either pay money and prove a relationship to see a death certificate, or show up to an archive in person to search on their intranet, MARYLAND WHY DO YOU NOT WANT ME TO KNOW WHEN MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER DIED. (Being fair, I don't know if she died in Maryland, that's just a great-uncle's best guess, because she ran away from her family in 1949 and nobody ever saw her again after the early 60's. Helen, where the hell did you go?)
****One of the big reasons why I got into genealogy in the first place was to see if I could find how far back the predisposition to early deaths and autoimmune disease went in my family. What I hadn't expected to find was a predisposition for extreme longevity on all sides. Longevity as in 'skewing the life expectancy bell curve' kinds of longevity. As long as someone didn't come down with a freak illness or make a looooooooong string of poor life choices, they were apparently immune to death, which honestly explains a few things about Crazy Grandma, god damn.
#genealogy#forensic genealogy#research throwdown#storytime with stella#long post#I'm seriously not kidding it's a long goddamn post#image heavy#all images described in alt text#I don't think I did a particularly great job communicating why I shouldn't get into this professionally#this took a long goddamn time to figure out#I think most people want answers quicker than *checks back of hand* seven-ish months?#fwiw my mother took it remarkably well#our big family mystery has always been What Happened to Helen?#that was probably the central question of my grandfather's life: not knowing what happened to his mother#so that was my mom's big question too#and luckily we had other weird familial circumstances as precedent#me: 'heyyyyyyyy uh so great news yr great-grandfather wasn't a criminal on the lam OR a bastard child. he was kind of adopted?'#mom: 'adopted??? huh. like your grandpa with the mudds?'#me: '....actually. yeah. almost *exactly* like that. but like if grandpa changed his last name and then never told you he'd done it'#tho I still have no idea why john changed 'robb' to 'robert'#my theory for a long time was that he was just REALLY leaning into the scottish heritage; the guy named his sons duncan & bruce#then I learned about irish naming conventions and while that answered some questions it just wound up leaving me with MORE questions#I went through all 8 stages of grief a year ago when I figured out john's presbyterian funeral meant the fam married into catholicism LATER#and thus were probably scots colonizers to the plantation of ulster instead of former gallowglasses#I don't love the idea of my ancestors being unionist kiss-asses#which the naming scheme kinda supports#but john was a LABOR UNION ORGANIZER#he left well before the clearances in the 20's but labor activism was synonymous with catholicism & nationalism for aaaaaaaages#he had to have picked that up from a parent. two of his half brothers (who also emigrated to the states) were union members too
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#i hate when there's something you can't even complain or vent about really#bc the response is just going to be either concern or 'no that's not true!!' or 'youre being an asshole about this'#anyway that's why i'm hiding in the tumblr tags#yeah i know it's not true. doesn't stop my brain from making me feel like everyone wants me dead whenever i'm told#no about something that's important to me. which yeah makes me an asshole probably. this is rsd isn't it. sighs.#my brain: if no one is willing to help me with something i'm having trouble with then i must not be very important huh!#which yeah. sure not true but i get where it's coming from.#other people are also people tho. who have reasons for their actions. which kinda sucks for me rn tbh.#the world should revolve around me and everyone should do everything they can to help me with my problems actually#i guess part of what makes it painful is like. if it was the other way around where i was the one being asked to help#i would absolutely drop everything to do so. so yeah it makes me feel a bit unimportant i think that's fair? actually?#i mean it's not i know that but. idk. i'm not sure how to word anything else.
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and once again I am suddenly overwhelmed with an intense feeling of not really fitting into a gender
#honestly I don't even know what this is about I just saw some stories on insta and it's like oh look#she is so proud to be a woman whoa ppl...actually do that huh#and I just realised I never really felt that way like. not fully!! maybe a bit of that yeah but not to this full extent of this#womanhood thing#and I mean yeah I probably felt more of it in my teens and like 20s but it only just occurred to me that it's never been to this full extent#of being womanly and motherly and nurturing etc etc#and now I do not feel like that art all I mean I mostly am a creachur. a divine being. if you will. a freak#and I love it tomorrow I'm gonna go try on some skirts which I haven't done in ages and I'm definitely gonna be doing it in a queer way#not in a girl way#anyway#I know this is really weird going on tag rants here where nobody except a few of my mutuals (hey guys love you lots thought u should know)#is gonna see let alone read this but I really don't have anyone irl to talk to abt gender stuff and I mean I tried?#but just idk. ppl don't get it? like everyone in my life already knows I'm queer and they sorta hand wave it away like that is too#complicated and not that important - and it isn't!! but it also is!#I think they might have been more understanding and sympathetic if I were trans but I'm not and being nonbinary is somehow too difficult for#them to grasp idk#and when I say I don't want to be a different gender and feel increasingly outside and to the left of my assigned gender the more I think#about it they just. do not get it. and it is kinda discouraging and leaves me feeling like not talking about it with them ever#I don't know why I'm writing all this tbh#gender#queer things
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I being so fucking normal about this fit on him rn I'm beingsofuckingnormal I'm beingsofuckin nor-
#you have no idea how fucking long I've been drooling crying begging and just screaming for them to do a Lost boy kill count#like I just watched the podcast maybe like a week ago and I'm just like rocking back and forth on my bed like they're going to post a video#<--real soon#and oh my God I watched the video of the kill count in there's so many things I wish they talked about on there but I'm grateful to get it#they did talk about the sequels and.....ekkkk... I mean it's only based off of high demand so let's hope to God no one talks about it#or send any emails for them I mean if they talk about the remake that's fine I haven't really seen that one I know Sebastian stan is in it#oh my God I feel like I'm about to be so fucking annoying about the movie again I think I'm going to just start posting random shit about it#also lately I've been more happy to be posting and drawing again than usual#so I might be back on doodling and drawing random shit or actually I've been having more confidence in myself to start posting doodles#why do I bring that up because oh I don't know...wink wonk 🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤗🤗 😉😉😉😉😜😜😜#my laptop kind of sucks now so I'm going to buy a new one probably this month or next month so I'll be drawing and posting doodles#I'm also thinking about posting some of my recent sketches I have in my notebook but don't expect any Picasso or Vince Van Gogh for me#I know I'm good but like I'm not that good lol im jking kinda sorta maybe not relaly okay yeaj am BUT!!!#I feel like I'm back on my drawing shit again and if I don't finish your drawing I'll just still post it because why the fuck not I'm young#let's fuck around and have some fun why not huh#man I can't believe I'm actually really rambling here but yeah I'm happy to say that I'm going to be back on my stupid shit ❤️#kill count
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theres almost always radio playing in my house and my mother tends to leave it on the abc which has a lot of interviews/call in segments and good Christ the woman who hosts it annoys me because she /actually/ doesn't listen. There's been numerous times in an interview where the person will say something clearly and directly and then she will essentially ask what they just said and its so funny bc pretty frequently they'll pause for a second and its like you can just tell they're going ?? I just said that am i meant to repeat it ? and its like well if you paid me to sit in an air conditioned studio I would actually listen to the people im interviewing but thats just me <3
#especially since its the public broadcaster they actually get really interesting people in#its genuinely a frequent thing to the degree i almost wonder if she has questions written down and then when people answer before shes aske#she just doesn't know how to go off script but the thing is.... shes at least in her 50s and has been doing this for a long time so ???#and she does it with call ins too they'll be like yeah the bridge was blue and she'll go Uh huh so it was red? well thanks for the call!#and im just like are you fucking with everybody?#yes im aware this post reads Old person but its true to my being#tbh i think it more the fact that a few times shes come across as genuinely rude so thats probably why it irks me more
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magical john drag king is exactly what alan moore meant about the ideaspace this absolutely existed in our collective consciousness as a human species
#or i guess the human species? who’s to say#ok i actually need to stop i don’t know what i’m thinking anymore#i can like vividly imagine magical john on a stage and real and i’m afraid#also yeah no this post probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else#ezra’s real life rambles#silly hours posting#<- hello my old friend i feel this is justified (ancients of mu mu?????) here#why am i being abnormal about the fucking klf book. what why how this isn’t good this isn’t a cool one to talk to people about#‘hey so you heard of this satire religion called discordianism? oh no you’re not? fair enough#surely you’re aware of self-referential reality tunnels though right? oh no you’re not. hm well how about the illuminatus! trilogy?#huh. ok. well to cut to the chase there was this band called the klf and they had like many hit singles#you’ll know some of them most likely. but uh ultimately they burned 1 million pounds in cash!! like straight up!! and it was filmed#some time afterwards (i think like 23 years?) they went around on an unusal tour showing off the footage#but at this point they weren’t making music anymore you see. so it wouldn’t even make sense as some publicity stunt#but yeah on this tour they go around and ask people why they (the klf) burned 1 million pounds#was it art? was it rock and roll? and most people go ‘it was stupid and selfish you entitled pricks’#they both (drummond and cauty (the klf)) have a family yknow#like they both have wives and kids. one of them had like four children i think?#anyway the money burning happened on the 23rd of august 1994 in the island of jura’#you can’t just say all of that to someone no one cares#ok for real i’m gonna go now and eventually sleep
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y'all actually have irl friends? like, actually?
#i have one (1) that i am iffy about [you have all seen the annoying thread]#i am sorry that i keep bitching about this but#literally if I vanished the only consequences would be my dad would probably get mad and i'd feel bad for not uploading also my cats sad#i refuse to believe people have ever had friends they just hang out with after school#or go out on weekend adventures with for funsies#those things only happen in tv shows and commcercials. they are not real#awe fuck this is an avierant nw huh#avierant#fuck#but fr couldn't be me#also i remember watching some sappy video on youtube where the guy talked about coming out to his mom and she hugged him#and said i love you and all that#er#that happens?#i just got hit with a “I don't care” and “why didn't you wanna tell me? are you stupid?” and sometimes when he's mad he'll inform me#that i'm actually not bi i'm just gay [i think he genuinely forgets]#y'all have people irl that support you? why? are you stupid?#[i am going to be such a fucked up adu. oh yeah i am an adult. hell yeah i'm a fucked up adult >:)]
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