#actually the annoying thing is that its just that ive had a month of covid and now im having a pretty bad chronic pain flare

[tallymali]

this year has started off so bad for me BUT I WILL FIX IT I SWEAR TO GOD

[oetscop]

just got denied by a psych for not having enough medical records. bitch i havent had a pcp since i was 11

[queerlycarter]

whenever i have an opening shift i make a lil list of the shit that needs to get done for us to be fully stocked for the day and my store manager has this habit of checking shit off the list without fully completing the task or sometimes not doing it at all??

like today i had "stock RTD&E case & check dates" on there and he crossed it off and did not even pretend to do it. like dude do you think that doesnt need to be done??

& he also checked off "frap base" but only did half of it and i had to go behind him and finish it. he did the same thing with the teas except i dont think he even checked them bc the first tea order i had to make, i had to go searching for the box bc the dispenser was empty

[woahajimes]

BESTIE THE GREEN PASS AHAHAH is this thing we have only in italy (not annoying) but it's actually one of the few smart things we have:

ahem

it's uhh it's this qr code basically that people who have done all the required vaccines or had covid in the last six months have. that is like... a pass. to enter indoor places like restaurants and cinemas. and like... if you don't have it you can't go anywhere anymore so you need it.

also we ditched battinson for a chinese restaurant in the end cus we got all the way to the cinema before we realized my sister didn't have her green pass with her. (it's on paper and/or a pdf but she just has it on paper) so we got back home, she took it and then we got to the restaurant and now I'm dying i need to sleep and cannot eat anything anymore ever again god

ALSO YOUR ESSAY HOW IS IT COMING I NEED THE DETAILS :DD

OHHH LIKE THE PROOF OF VACCINATION. YEAH WE HAVE THAT HERE TOO italy is so special || anywyas yeah totqally bestie i forget mine all the time but they're not required here anymore so i dont need it unless i go to restaurants n stuff BUT LMAO WS IT GOOD i love chinese food so much (i assume that it's good since you said that you're tired and cant eat anything more but hey.)

anyhow this reminds me k so in front of my house ish there is this like set of stores n other things (like we have a city park and behind that there is a grocery store, home depot, dollar store, and a buncha other stores (THRIFT SOTRE. WE HAVE A THIRRFT STORE hence why i am broke) SO ANYWAYS ive been craving sushi for the longest absolute time and today i found out that there is this island store in the middle of the parking lot and its a fucking sushi place!!! i had been so convinced that it was this like bbq place bc it has THAT look i mean i'll go by the place and "oh someday i'd like to try the bbq they sell here" and today my sister pointed out that the place has a giant sign that says "SUSHI" girl (gn) i am so smart.

MY ESSAY IS HANDED IN AND DONE OVER it wasn't that bad but i definitely could sleep for another r492058043 hours

also there is this curse bestowed upon me in which i absolutely wreck every pair of tights i wear like i went to school w these rlly cute heart print tights and then i go home and they have a hole in them like god why me.

[manic-kagura]

alright so some shit in my life has happened and im just reaching breaking point after breaking point and this post + its possible following reblogs exist to help me vent

general tw, but specific to domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, and anything that can occur within those two categories (im exhausted i cant think of all the issues that may pop up)

theyll all be under readmores

so for context: my dad has undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder - while it may be undiagnosed by technicality, i consider this to be his state of being because, like narcs do, he refuses to get help, because THAT would mean something is WRONG WITH HIM!

I’m 27 years old - I didn’t get out of that emotionally abusive household until i was 25, and even then I was unable to fully escape it. in late february of 2020 my dad crossed a line that just...lit the lightbulb in my head and i chose to go live with my current boyfriend, who i had known for about a month and been dating for maybe 2 weeks at the time. it’s been 2 years since i left, and after a long time of slowly getting things in my control (finances, my dog, my car, my bank account, etc) i was finally able to start going low contact 10 months ago. unfortnately, this also meant i couldn’t call my mom because he would turn the volume on the tv down so he could hear me talking to her over the phone. i didnt want to risk her safety further, so we just...dont call each other unless shes in the car.

this specific post is not for me to go into details on the bullshit i endured (i may do that elsewhere another time with heavy tw) - this post is specific to a rather recent set of events and how this has, today, crumbled into causing me a downward spiral.

my dad has threatened my mom with divorce A LOT over the past 2 years - it started getting really aggressive when i caught covid and she was asking him to back off because (SURPRISE) his meddling was making my symptoms worse (and i didnt even live with them...controlling ass freak). so anytime she vaguely annoyed him, he’d threaten it. my mom is very very Christian (unfortunately), and from South Africa - the idea of divorce is terrifying to her on so many levels, and no matter how many times ive tried to get her to leave she always had an excuse.

well, one day he made the threat, and she said “bring the papers and i’ll sign them.”

the threats calmed down. I don’t know when they started getting aggressive again, but in May of this year (2022), he finally decided he’d bring them. he told my mom she had time to look for living arrangements, and when she did he’d start finalizing divorce shit. when i learned this i blocked him everywhere i could manage - no phone calls, no texts. saving face has no purpose anymore when theres nothing to salvage.

my mom has been working her ass off for like 4 years - my dad lost his job, and with it any financial stability we may have had (all the Amazon boxes stacked around the house every day would make you think otherwise though). i learned my mom had NO ACCESS to her income. it went to a joint account that she was unable to get into.

well with this actual divorce going on and her job working her to death (like she goes in at 7 am and leaves at 12 am - fuck publix), she has had literally no way of packing shit up to start getting ready to leave. she has not opened a new bank account for her income. she hasnt found a lawyer. despite me telling her id help her with these things, shes declined and ive backed off.

until today.

on a whim i decided to check my old email (a rarity in the past 2+ years honestly). i noticed some emails in there that were sent as a text, from a phone, which was something i had seen before (my dad had done this somehow by accident before in 2019, but it was always in a text chain that included me).

this one did not include me. i dont know how im receivng these. but its a text chain between him and some woman that i do not know - number and name dont ring any bells, she isnt in our family, shes not a friend ive ever heard him speak of.

he was asking her about “tourism visas” for someone coming from the Phillipines.

its not for work. not only does he not even do shit in the line of work in which hed be talking to people in other countries now, but TOURISM VISAS arent for work.

a good friend of mine from high school has a shitty dad too. we laugh at how fucking similar they are. turns out, her dads had shit like this too! fucking mail order brides!!!

i start sending my mom screenshots. im frantically texting her to contact me. she hadnt contacted me in about a week so in a fit of fear i decide to call her, which is something ive done my best not to do, at all, ever.

i asked her “can you talk? are you alone? can we speak in private?” she said she was at home, to call back in 10 minutes. i told her ok, but she needs to check her texts.

we start texting. she says my dad was asking why i called, what it was about, what i was gonna text her about. she said she didnt know (which is only half a lie tbh).

his response was “when you get home tomorrow, we need to finalize things.”

i ripped him apart in my texts. i told her she needs to get her finances together ASAP. no more waiting. he didnt give a singel solitary shit about her or our fucking family, hes trying to fuck her over. hes hurt us enough. i told her i had screenshotted all of the messages, i told her to ask for a small vacation from work to get her shit together and out, i told her to stay with a friend when my boyfriend and i couldnt be with her to pack.

shes finally decided to get a lawyer. she said to keep everything on hand. shes finally seeing the fucking lightbulb.

im hoping in the next week she’ll be having more days off to deal with this shit. my only high points within this situation today were to see her finally turn around and the mere fucking thought that i made my life long abuser shit himself, all because i said “i need to talk to you in private” to my poor fucking mother.

i hope this fucker burns in whatever hells exist. i hope he burns in every single torturous afterlife and his soul never rests. but most of all i hope he realizes he will leave this fucking world cold and alone, just like he raised and left us.

[theblogtini]

You know what annoys me the MOST about The Sussexes? The tonedeafness of it all. That was the very first thing that started turning my opinion of them - the October 2019 pity party interview.

Here’s how the last year+ of my life has gone:

September 2019 - found out I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child

October 2019 - my grandfather died

December - had COVID before it was even a known thing & have never been sicker in my life (my doctors strongly suspect it was COVID, but we can’t be 100% positive but when we had to take my 2 year old to the ER bc he was so sick they said it was “a weird new virus we’ve never seen before”)

January 2020 - it was determined I would need to have semi-emergency surgery on my abdomen at 23 weeks pregnant bc was ill — 23 weeks is before “viability” so my baby wouldn’t be monitored during the surgery & they would not intervene to help him if needed �� they would not let me push the surgery out 3 days bc I was too ill

February 2020 - surgery takes place. BABY WAS FINE thank god. Couldn’t be left alone with my 2 year old or drive anywhere for 4 weeks - considered severely immune compromised due to pregnancy + surgery

March - lockdown happens. My son cuts his eyelid open and has to go get stitches and since we were on lockdown and I was pregnant the hospital wouldn’t let me be there with him (a mother’s nightmare)

April - admitted to the hospital at 35 weeks pregnant. Baby and I are both ill. Baby diagnosed with IUGR - he had stopped growing inside me 4 weeks earlier

May 6, 2020 - baby born preterm via emergency csection at 2:30am bc I started going downhill. I was unable to hold him for 10 hours as I was too ill and they were afraid I would crash and drop him. I was hooked to an IV for 2 days & basically sedated. My baby was being monitored by the NICU team (in my room bc of the pandemic) due to breathing, blood sugar, liver, and body temp issues. He was well enough to be discharged 3 days after birth but I was not. Mind you still a pandemic and now I’ve had two surgeries in 4 months so I’m still considered severely immunocompromised. And my baby weighs 4lbs and has zero immune system and breathing problems - during a pandemic that attacks the respiratory system.

May 10 - discharged home with my baby during a pandemic. No one in my family met him for weeks and weeks. My sister and dad just held him for the first time last week (10 months!!) due to his health issues and the pandemic.

Summer - trapped in house w/ 2 kids & husband. It’s a pandemic so there’s no where to go and no one can come to us. I can’t drive anyway (due to csection)

My maternity leave ended in early summer - husband & I have been WFH with 2 kids (a toddler & newborn) and zero help bc again - pandemic.

Fall/Winter 2020 - still WFH with no help. Still trapped inside w/ 2 kids & husband. I can drive now but there’s no where to go & nothing to look forward to. Pandemic related job woes start kicking in for us, which isn’t good bc we have 2 kids & 1 is medical compromised AND ITS A PANDEMIC.

Holidays 2020 (Thanksgiving & Christmas) - no family to celebrate with. Still trapped in house.

January 2021 - older sons 3 birthday, no party bc pandemic

February 2021 - still a pandemic. Job woes getting more serious. Find out that baby is only in 16% for height - not growing on the “outside” as he should due to my illness when he was on the inside. I managed to get vaccinated bc of health issues - can finally leave the house except... no where to go.

March 2021 - still in the house. Still a pandemic. Still WFH with 2 crazy kids & no outside help. Job woes really getting serious - money becoming tight. Health insurance ends this month - in a pandemic. No alone time with husband or heck even for myself really.

But go ahead Meghan... bitch on national TV about how your son isn’t A LITERAL PRINCE ... yet. Because he WILL be just not today. At least he’s healthy. At least you are not actually trapped in your home. At least you have help while you and your very wealthy husband pretend to work while the rest of us struggle.

Am I having a pity party? You betcha! 99% of my posts lately have been with a kid on my lap or holding a baby late at night because we don’t have nannies and night nurses like some royals. I’m mom-ing, working, cleaning, cooking, and STRUGGLING while Meghan is whining.

And I STILL KNOW IM LUCKY! So why doesn’t she?

[homunculiii]

actually im not done why do i have such bad luck ith friendships like people tell me they care about me to my face and then push me out of every other facet of their lives completely like im something theyre ashamed of like no nights out no birthday party invites no spontaneous ‘hey id really like to see you lets do smth now’ moments

also like thinking back to my friend i ended things iwth a few months back who when i brought up that i had problems with how she totally ignored me all the time claimed that asking to hear from her once a fucking month maybe (like not even hang out just hear from her) was just too much of a sacrifice to make and shed rather throw years of friendship away than do it and then complained about how wanting your friends to care about your feelings was toxic and then i met some new people at the start of the year and we actually did some thing together and then covid hit and they just stopped talking to me even though i didnt and now always post pics of them hanging out together like is the problem me???? ive asked before if im doing something upsetting or annoying and theyre just like ‘no its not your fault’ so like if it isnt me what can i even do???

[mardoufox21111]

hello 17 days in to the new year

i took 2 days off last week, which meant i only worked 1 day in a week! it was great. i got to relax although now i dont feel like i have had that much time off work. i would lieke more. we went out for dinner with h and s  i had hawaiian pizza for a change, it was nice!  over the weekend we went down south, it was fine - i had ideas of paddleboarding or kayaking or swimming. it was too windy. i went for a swim on the last day because i just said why not. 

now im back home - d was at work today so ive had the day to myself which has been great, although annoying. i had a bath in the middle of the day, it wasnt hot enough, i wanted to order chicken - they didnt have any chicken because of covid which was crazy. other than that ive just watched tv.

i dont know what iwant to do for the year - if i dont win lotto - i think maybe i should just stay as a casual if i can... if im getting 30 an hour. but then it’s unstable. i have an interview for a call job 2-7pm sundays to thursdays. i also have another one on wednesday for just a contract role for 3 months for covid stuff.. i have no idea. then im like well if i work from 2-7 it gives me time in the day to actually do things, go to the shop if i wanted to, go for breakfast, lunch, movies, swimming, write some scripts. but then i dont know if i will like being on calls for 5 hours a day 5 days a week... even though i am already basically doing calls its been 6 weeks that ive been doing them. if i do go part time i dont know if i can afford to move out? idk its 13 weeks of paid training so like almost 13k ........

ughugherugheogrueo anyway i dont know how i want to define the year, do i want to learn new skills and go into a different job [tech] or do i just want to continue to motor along and try to write some stuff? idk

[nettheworldonfire]

Less Than.

It’s been awhile.  Let’s catch you up to speed.

June 13th I had a CT scan that showed NO progression, and POSSIBLY necrosis on some of the tumors on my liver.  (Necrosis = death, so yay!) Dr. Rose said that was as good as we could have hoped for and thought we should move forward with possible embolization through Penn since they seem to be the experts in NETs. He wasn’t sure if the clinical trial of chemo/bland embolization was running currently due to Covid, so he said I should reach out.   I scheduled the consultation appointments, which were originally not until August, but got bumped to July 22nd.  

My in-home phlebotomist was a no-call, no-show on the 30th, so I called my office and found out there was a mix up, and they were scheduled to come the same day as my injection, so I had to go to Labcorp in person.  I was pretty anxious about that since we aren’t do to much real-worlding these days, and they may or may not be doing Covid testing there, but I mustered the courage, and went.  There was only one person in the waiting room and only two employees, one of which dealt with me from beginning to end exclusively.  Everyone was masked up; it was smooth and painless. (Shout out: I ALWAYS have a good experience at the Labcorp on Easton Road in Abington, near the hospital.  They are rockstars!) Those results came back looking a-okay. 

I had my 5th Lanreotide injection on July 2nd and met with a very stressed Dr. Rose who still may or may not be retiring, due to some major changes with the hospital. He said labs and scans were good, and to keep him posted about my appointments with the folks at Penn.  Overall, I felt fine after the injection.  My GI issues are still relatively prevalent after the Whipple, so I never know if what I am dealing with is “normal” or an issue.  And right now, with you know, the world crumbling, it could just be stress.

So fast forward to the 21st, the day before my appointments, and I get a call that Penn doesn’t have the scan images or pathology report and that maybe we should reschedule my appointments (you know, the ones I’ve been waiting a month for).  They said the problem with this was that the doctors like to look at them in advance.  Although, a point I brought up to the nurse, I don’t see how much advance looking was going to be done after 6 pm the night before.  So we rescheduled my 10:30 a.m. call with Dr. Soulen to 6 p.m. so there was time to review, in the hopes that SOMEHOW I could get both reports and images to their office between the call and the appointments. Without any other options, my gracious husband made the one hour drive, and carted them into Penn at 7 am on the 22nd.  (Only to spend 20 minutes there looking for the building, since I was never told any information as to where the doctor was located with my appointment being through telehealth, and like a dummy, didn’t ask.)  Images delivered, and I get a call at 9:45 ish saying Dr. Soulen is still calling me at 10:30  again (and now my mother, the child pacifier, won’t be here in time, since I told her to come later when the appointments were rescheduled).  

My first call was with Dr. Michael Soulen in interventional radiology.  I introduced him to the two-legged noise makers who would provide a classic toddler soundtrack, and he seemed pleasantly on board with the situation.  

My mom did show up during the call just as things got hairy (Charlie had all the cushions off of the couch and my cat litter barricade was no longer stopping Olive from making a bee-line for the steps).  Gram to the rescue, as per usual.

Dr. Soulen liked my June scan.  He said it was great because that meant we didn’t HAVE to embolize (despite him mentioning several times how seeing a liver like mine makes him drool because of how much he enjoys embolizing livers).  Dr. Soulen said that the treatment plan should be “to ride the horse until it gets tired” because we only have so many horses.  Therefore, we stay on the Lanreotide until it stops doing what it is supposed to before trying something new, as the treatment options are limited and there isn’t data on whether or not they can be repeated multiple times successfully.  Especially with someone who has a history of a second cancer (Hodgkins) and chemotherapy.  He also clarified some things about the embolizations.  He said that a bland embolization and chemoembolization both cut off the blood flow to the liver, something we cannot do, because during my Whipple they removed a duct that helps my pancreas get rid of bile and bugs, which now filter into my liver.  Normally, this isn’t a major issue, but when you embolize a liver like this, it will cause a liver abscess in 20% of patients, landing them in the hospital for a while (because a serious infection like this requires IV antibiotics) and obviously with two little ones and Covid, that’s not something I’d like to risk right now.  There is a third type of embolization - radioembolization - that instead of cutting off the blood flow, shoots in little radioactive beads that are attracted to the tumors and give a very direct dose of radiation to them.  This makes patients a bit more fatigued, but only has a 5-7% rate of abscess or infection, which is better, of course.  That being said, none of this is the plan for now, and may not be for several years, as long as the Lanreotide keeps doing its job (he estimates 3-5 years at best).   

With all of that information and hearing that the Lanreotide is not expected to work forever, I really wanted a more accurate prognosis, although nothing is certain in the world of cancer.  He said that he has some patients who do these drugs and trials and make it into the double decades - but those are usually the grade 1 tumor patients (I am a grade 2, grade 3 being worse).  So, he said a single decade is more in tune with what patients in my situation should expect - but that 5, 10, 15 years is possible.  While I WANTED to hear some real talk, and I didn’t expect to hear that everything is good, that was still a little jarring.  At 37, and with a 1 and 3 year old, 15 years might not even get me to high school graduation, and that’s the high end.  Thinking about leaving my family in the next 5-10 years is beyond terrifying.  He said that my liver right now is functioning as it should.  It’s “more cheese than holes.”  I should be glad for that.  I am.  

Here you can see my two scans.  Left is June, right is February.  This may not be the perfect shot (I was trying to take a screenshot while we were talking), but you can kind of see some of the white spots (cancer) with some blackness (necrosis), so, that’s cool.  

The second call was with Dr. Ursina Teitelbaum, the oncologist who specializes in neuroendocrine cancer.  She was awesome to chat with, as always, and agreed to take over my care - something I needed to ask because Dr. Rose is ready to pass me along like the worst re-gifted patient ever.  I also asked her some morbid questions and was particularly surprised to hear her response, too.  She said had my June scan indicated progression in any way, it would have likely meant a 1-2 year prognosis.  I am a little annoyed and confused as to why no one said anything like this to us in previous visits.  I mean, you’d think someone with toddlers deserves to know that they may only have 12 months to live, especially when they are currently spending their time in quarantine and not doing any of the things that mean the most to them.  She agreed with Dr. Soulen, we should hold off on the embolization for now, and wanted to see me again (virtually) in September.  She also said she would get another scan scheduled for me for before that appointment and that we could plan for someone to come to my home to do the Lanreotide injections, rather than have to get into Penn each month for that when I am trying to work and parent this fall.  

One thing that she said that stuck with me, was that she believes this pandemic is going to get a lot worse this fall, and that regardless of what happens, we should be careful, but not limit visits with loved ones.  We need our family and friends around us for support.  We need that connection.  While maybe her message was to “live like you are dying” because I am, in a way, dying, I think she is living this way too.  I think she believes that the damage that months and maybe years of this will do to our psyches may be greater than the risk of getting Covid (not worse than actually getting it, but again, being “safe” and careful, in masks, etc.)  Just something to think about, especially for my family.

In other news, my anxiety has been through the roof (not surprisingly so - I did get diagnosed with cancer exactly a month before we got hit with a global pandemic, ya know).  After a talk with my primary, we upped my Lexapro dosage from 5 mg to 10 mg last week.  According to my OBGYN, that’s still a very low dosage (they said they prescribe 20 mg to woman for PMS sometimes, so there’s that), so we will see.  I really think I need something for panic attacks, other than a 32 ounce frozen margarita from Mad Mex.  They get costly.  My primary has given me a couple Ativan doses to hold me over as the new dosage of Lexapro kicks in and wants me to follow up in three weeks.  Til then, expect more of a “hot mess” than you’ve seen before.  Please note, hot does NOT indicate I look good right now, and “seen” is perhaps the wrong word, too, since, I barely SEE anyone.  Just forgive me, I’m losing it.  

* Dark side: Change in plans: Cancer probably WILL kill me, afterall.  

* Bright side: Being chronically ill may help to keep me working from home this fall, instead of returning to the cesspool known as high school.  Maybe.

* Next steps: 

7/27/20 between 8:30-10:00 a.m. - home visit from phlebotomist 

7/30/20 at 9:30 a.m. - Lanreotide injection #6 and appointment with Dr. Rose

9/20 - Next CT scan in Valley Forge (instead of my super close Willow Grove location), date TBD

9/22/20 at 9 a.m. - Telehealth appointment with Dr. Teitelbaum

Morbidly accurate GIF: 

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW