#actually love the phrasing people (including myself) use to compliment strangers

[trlvsn]

hi Ray you seem cool

aw thanks!

[hermeticimp]

Full Agape Reading Example

Hey guys! So I wanted to include an example of what a full version of my Agape reading looks like. Go here to find a full description of this reading. I’m using a reading on myself for this - with Hermes, Apollo, and Dionysus being the gods who came through. Without further ado, here’s my Agape reading. 

Today, I’ll be covering the things that Hermes, Apollo, and Dionysus love about me and wish for me to know moving forward. I used The Muse Tarot and Oracle of Unicorn decks. Let’s see what we’ve got. 

This first section will cover what they love about me. I was pulled to use tarot cards for this section. These three cards will cover my deities’ favorite trait of mine, a trait they admire that they want me to acknowledge more, and a trait they love that they want me to focus on healing. I’ve got 7 of Inspiration, The Tower, and Page of Inspiration. This is a cool mix! We’ve got two Inspiration (or Wands) cards, a major arcana, and a court card. The first thing that comes to mind is that they see me as a fiery and impassioned person. I have this energy and spark about me that draws others in, making them feel right at home. I’m always thinking of new ideas and projects that I or others could use. I’m resilient, warm, loving, creative, bright, energetic, spiritual, passionate, innovative, ambitious, and determined.

 “You have always been a bright star, Jay. I’ve adored that spark of yours since I’ve met you. It’s one of the things that has defined you over the years I’ve watched over you. You may struggle to see what I do at times, but have faith, dear heart, that this is nothing but the honest truth.” - H. Thanks Hermes. Now, let’s jump into the cards more directly. 

We begin with 7 of Inspiration. In this deck, the Inspiration suit corresponds to the Wands suit in traditional decks. This card is about fighting for yourself, protecting your light, not letting others get to you, having faith in yourself, and having firm boundaries. All three of them admire my ability to take care of myself. It’s something I’ve only been really coming into in the last few years, but I have learned how to tune out those who only seek to tear me down. The opinions of strangers do nothing for me. I’m me and that’s not something I plan on changing just to suit the whims of others. I may lose sight of what makes me special sometimes, but I won’t let people run roughshod over me. There’s an inner fire that will never be dimmed - which is definitely my Leo Moon conjunct Leo Mars talking. I have placements in all the fire signs, but my Leo side is fierce. I have a pride that won’t allow me to get pushed around for long. 

My deities love that I’ve learned how to fend for myself. Apollo decides to chime in here.“You’re right to see yourself as a warrior, Jay. You’ve managed to fight back everything that’s sought to destroy you from day one. You have courage, faith, and passion on your side. You fight against the world and you have the strength to keep going where others might falter. While part of your lesson is to learn how to put down your sword sometimes, it doesn’t mean that you have to lose this side of yourself. Fight on, little lioness. Never let the weight of your worth crush you because others say so.” I’m strong and I know that even in my weakest moments. See the star shining in the background amongst the orange (determination and enthusiasm), yellow (optimism), blue (truth), and black (protection and stability)? The Star is one of my favorite tarot cards and represents my constant battle for hope, peace, and faith. My gods admire that ability to keep battling my demons, within and without, to progress forward. 

Up next is The Tower. The psychedelic effects and crackling lighting behind the woman standing amongst crumbling infrastructure is quite the striking image. She seems unphased, as if this is a natural part of her life. The phrase “weathering the storm” comes to mind as I look at it. There is a small figure falling behind her, reminding us of the meaning of this card - unexpected and sudden change. The falling person most likely wasn’t ready for the storm the way the woman is. Instantly, I see myself in both these characters. I’ve had times where everything has been uprooted and I wasn’t prepared for it. I’ve had other times where I rolled with the punches and accepted it. 

Personally, I think I’ve dealt more with the former, but my gods seem to disagree. Hermes comes through. “I mentioned how strong you were earlier. This is the true source of your strength. You’ve been through rather difficult circumstances throughout the lives we’ve spent together. But one thing I always saw was that you never stayed off your feet for long. You’ve come to accept that change is the only constant. You may lose your bearings for a time, but you always regain them fairly quickly. Resiliency is the word you used earlier and I agree. You are resilient because, as you’re wont to say to others, “You’ve survived a hundred percent of your bad days”. Believe in your ability to get through things. You’re a survivor to the core. You’re resourceful, cunning, and adaptive. Rather Uranian and Saturnian in nature, I’ve come to notice. Embrace your inner strength. You can be a force to be reckoned with.” It’s funny he brought up those two planets. They rule over my 12th and 11th houses respectively. I’ve managed to get where I am because of my support system (11th house), but also because of myself (Saturn in the 1st). This is the trait that I’m supposed to give recognition to, which is difficult at times (12th house of strengths hidden from the self). Funnily enough though, it’s about the only compliment I’ll actually accept. I’m always getting back on my feet because, like the 7 of Inspiration mentioned, I know how to fend for myself. I have more power than I think and I’ll try to keep that in mind moving forward. 

Finally, we reach the final tarot card that describes what part of myself I need to heal from. The beautiful Page of Inspiration steps up to answer this prompt. An elegant woman stretches and dreams up vibrant ideas and thoughts. A black cat, a creature of magic, looks out towards the sky with clear sight and vision - knowing what it wants to do and how. Dionysus speaks up. “You need to heal that colorful imagination of yours. You have so many wonderful ideas that you wish to implement, but you doubt your ability to bring them into reality. I’m not sure why, as you’ve accomplished so much in such a little time. I believe that if you allowed yourself to actually have faith in yourself and your dreams, you could actualize sooner rather than later. You’re too hard on yourself. Allow yourself the room to breathe. Tap into that creativity of yours and allow it run free. Then, start making plans. There are things on the way to help, but for now, focus on creating the basis for what you want to build up right now.” 

Jupiter, the planet that rules both fiery Sagittarius and watery Pisces, come to mind with this card. Pisces are known for their fantasies, getting lost in the glimmering images in their mind’s eye. Sagittarius is known for being adventurous and firing true, following their arrows with the faith that they’ll land where they need to. Jupiter is the planet of faith. It’s in Capricorn in my 10th house, which indicates that I have work to establish my dreams and genuinely have faith in them. Pisces is my Rising sign - showing off my worldview and personality. Sagittarius presides over my 9th and 10th houses, which are about philosophy and exploration and destiny and career respectively. Pluto lies in Sag in the 9th. 

All of that together indicates that my wound (Pluto) stems a lack of faith (Cap Jupiter) in my true path (10th house), which manifests in remaining stuck in my head with mere ideas (Pisces Rising) instead of actually bringing them into reality, which causes feelings of inadequacy (1st house Saturn ruling Cap) and not feeling sure in what direction to go (Sag). I need to overcome that by allowing myself to have faith in my hard work (Cap Jupiter) to prove to myself (Saturn in the 1st) that I can accomplish my dreams (10th house). That’s easier said than done, but I’m in the process of working towards healing myself. “We’re proud that you’ve started overcoming this obstacle. You really will be unstoppable once you allow yourself to believe. Take that leap of faith. It’ll be worth it.” With that final message from Apollo, we move to my charms. 

This section will cover activities and ideas to focus on to expedite healing and moving forward on my path. We have the “I’m sorry” pin and Tohru. Immediately, I get the impression that it’s time to apologize to and forgive myself for not taking advantage of my full potential. Tohru is a character from the manga/anime Fruits Basket. She is known for helping others before herself and not noticing her own uniqueness and value (thus her being a rice ball). For so long, I’ve been focused on others' dreams and assisting them in those rather than staying in my own lane (Capricorn rules my house of friendship and society - the 11th). Now is the time to acknowledge, honor, and love myself - represented by the rose on the pin. I need to take it easier on myself and allow myself the space to accomplish what I want besides others. 

I can see how this ties into my Virgo Mercury, which is responsible for quite a bit of my attention on others (in the 7th house of relationships and sign of service) and doubting myself (perfectionist Virgo opposite my critical Saturn). Virgo has to learn how to have unconditional regard, something that Tohru learns to have towards the end of the story. Giving me space to be myself without judgement will go a long way in allowing me to relax and actually start realizing the 1,001 projects that I have in mind right now. It’s time for me to bloom through letting go of old regrets and shame for not completing past projects. Once I do that, I’ll find getting out of my head and into the real world a little easier. 

The last section is an affirmation card to keep in mind as I move forward. My card is Awareness. It says, “Live in the moment. Be conscious of your thoughts. Look for signs and guidance.” Now is the time for me to remain mired in the present. Instead of allowing myself to agonize over the past or worrying over the future, I need to breathe, recenter myself, and bring myself back to the current moment. I do have a habit of being caught up in my thoughts, as the Page and the charms showed. Mindfulness is the concept that comes to mind for this one. Meditation, breathing, walking, dancing - activities like these will help me be grounded and rational, which will be useful in bringing my projects to fruition. 

“Keep an eye out for our signs. You know which ones we mean. Blessings are on their way and they will help you to stay the course when it comes to your business and spiritual practice. Have faith and surrender any fears you may have to us. Trust us to guide you in the right direction, lion heart. Take the time to rest and recuperate. Things will come in time. Don’t push yourself too hard. That’ll only make things more difficult in the end. Patience is key. Keep yourself busy in ways that aren’t exhausting. We’re standing in support of you. Let that rapid fire mind of yours be at ease. Music would be an excellent way to help you stay grounded in the here and now. Until next time.” Apollo closes the reading with that, which I feel is a good place to stop. 

In summary, my deities find me to be a passionate, creative, resilient, wild, warm, friendly, and innovative person. I have a tendency to downplay how much I’ve been through and should give myself more credit. I’m learning to heal from doubting my ability to actualize the ideas I have, which I can overcome by forgiving myself for mistakes and acknowledging myself as being capable. Meditation, walking, music, and other mindful activities will help me stay focused on the present and give my concerns up to the Divine.

 Thank you three for joining and encouraging me. I appreciate your help as always. And thank you for reading! Please let me know if you have any questions. 

[rosymiel]

1-100.. bitch

oh FUCK you (im jk.. i love you..)

The meaning behind my url: i love french, and so i wanted to spice up my url and have it not be sims related from the get-go (my previous url was ughplumb). at first i wanted my url to be “cherry wine” in french because my favorite song of all time is cherry wine by hozier, however the url was already taken. i settled for rosy honey, hence rosymiel

A picture of me: honestly just look at my tag “kyla has a face”! i don’t have any new selfies of myself aside from what i’ve posted.

How many tattoos i have and what they are: i only have one, and it’s right in between my shoulder blades on my back. it’s of my family’s crest, which says “miseris succurrere disco”, which basically means to help people in need.

Last time i cried and why: last night because i was watching queer eye

Piercings i have: i used to have my ears pierced, but i hated keeping track of my earrings so i just let them close up. i wish i never let them close up, and now i also want to get my nose pierced 

Favorite band: i don’t really listen to any bands, just artists!

Biggest turn offs: burping and chewing sounds. chewing sounds legitimately anger me so much, i don’t know why

Top 5 songs: Cherry Wine (Hozier), Rain On Me (Joji), IDFC (Blackbear), I Love You (Billie Eilish), The Night We Met (Lord Huron)

Tattoos I want: OHHHHH MY GOD i want so many!!!! i just honestly want my body to be covered in flower tattoos to the point that i’m just a walking garden!! i really want to get a pair of watercolor roses or lilies right under my collarbones!!

Biggest turn ons: good cologne. i don’t know why, but cologne makes me go insane, i love it so much

Age: 18 going on 19!

Ideas of a perfect date: relaxing at home and cuddling with my boyfriend while watching our favorite show

Life goal: oh god this is super deep and i’ve sat on this question for a fat minute and all i can think about is how much i want to be content with myself, so i guess that’s my goal

Piercings i want: nose and ear piercings, babie!!!

Relationship status: happily taken!

Favorite movie: oh god, probably across the universe. i’ve loved it ever since i was a kid

A fact about my life: i’ve been in choir almost all my life

Phobia: the dark. when i was a kid i used to see faces on my walls when my room was dark

Middle name: marie

Height: 5��5.5 (basically just 5′6)

Are you a virgin?: yessirree 

What’s your shoe size?: 7

What’s your sexual orientation?: i’m pretty straight, but i think i’m heteroflexible. i’d definitely get down and nasty with a girl, but i’ve never felt any romantic attraction towards females

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?: no, my parents smoked cigarettes for most of my life, and my dad regularly smokes weed. the smell of weed makes my head hurt and makes me feel nauseous, so no thanks.

Someone you miss: my boyfriend. he’s been on a family trip to cuba, and he hasn’t contacted anyone (including me) in almost 10 days. i miss him so much that it genuinely hurts.

What’s one thing you regret?: not learning to love myself sooner and finding comfort in feeling depressed because it’s something familiar

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: zendaya 

Favorite ice cream?: i don’t eat a whole lot of ice cream, so i guess cookies and cream

One insecurity: my teeth. my two teeth next to my front teeth are pointed, and i used to get called a vampire when i was young. i was always bullied for it, and for most of my life i would cover my mouth with my hand whenever i laughed or smiled. a recent incident that comes to mind was sophomore year in high school in my english class. i sat next to my friend mooney (i called her by her last name because we met in gym), and one day she was talking to the guy infront of her about how pretty she thought i was, and how she thought that i could’ve been a model. the guy who sat in front of me, who’s name was tristan and was also in my choir the previous year, said that i’d be pretty with me if my teeth weren’t so fucked up. 

What my last text message says: “god this fan feels so nice”

Have you ever taken a picture naked?: :)

Have you ever painted your room?: no, but i’ve tried painting the bathroom with my mom

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?: nope

Have you ever slept naked?: yeah?????????

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?: i can’t dance, so absolutely not

Have you ever had a crush?: yeah??!??!?!!? ofc. i had a major crush on my current boyfriend, and he had a crush on me first before we started dating. it’s actually a really cute story

Have you ever been dumped?: yeah, twice. my last one was really brutal, but not because of how he dumped me.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?: nope

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?: nope

Have you ever been in a fist fight?: nope

Have you ever snuck out of your house?: nah, i’m a goody-two-shoes

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?: oh HELL yeah

Have you ever been arrested?: nope, and not planning on it!

Have you ever made out with a stranger?: nope!! 

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?: not in a sexual or romantic way, no

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?: nah

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?: i don’t think so??

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?: i ditched my nesika (which was like homeroom, but only two days of the week rather than daily) to go to a coffee stand with a friend

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?: not in a sexual or romantic way

Have you ever seen someone die?: no, and i really don’t want to :^(

Have you ever been on a plane?: yup!! i love it

Have you ever kissed a picture?: maybe…………… :’^)

Have you ever slept in until 3?: oh my GOD no. i fall asleep relatively early and wake up early, even on my days off.

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?: yeah??? lowkey this question is phrased in a weird way

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?: oh my god yes, it’s so relaxing

Have you ever made a snow angel?: yup!!!!

Have you ever played dress up?: oh HELL yes i have!!!

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?: okay does anyone remember doing the stock market game in freshmen year/middle school in history class? my friend and i looked up the answers online and cheated. we were rich that day in that class.

Have you ever been lonely?: i’m lonely right now

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?: maybe for 10 seconds, but no

Have you ever been to a club?: nope!

Have you ever felt an earthquake?: i don’t think so, no

Have you ever touched a snake?: SDKJGBSD NO!!!!!

Have you ever ran a red light?: nope!

Have you ever been suspended from school?: nope!!!!

Have you ever had detention?: i had lunch detention for saying “stfu” to a guy who was bugging me in 5th grade. i thought i was the shit for that.

Have you ever been in a car accident?: nope!

Have you ever hated the way you look?: 100%. i’ve always had huge insecurities surrounding my body or how i look.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?: bruh i literally stole a pack of gum from a store when i was 4. i COMMITTED a crime. in my defense, i stole it for my mom to make her happy. i got yelled at

Have you ever pole danced?: nope, but i would love to! it looks like a really good workout!

Have you ever been lost?: i got lost just last week

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?: nope!!! i don’t travel much

Have you ever felt like dying?: yes. i used to be suicidal

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?: hell yeah babie!

Have you ever sang karaoke?: i sing karaoke on youtube almost every single day. not only that, but on the first day of practicing for my high school graduation i stopped by my choir class before it began (seniors got out earlier than everyone else), and i sang karaoke with them.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?: 100%

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?: NO?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?: no

Have you ever kissed in the rain?: how can u kiss the rain. bruh.

Have you ever sang in the shower?: i sang in the shower earlier today

Have you ever made out in a park?: nope!

Have you ever dream that you married someone?: yep!!!!

Have you ever glued your hand to something?: i don’t think so????

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?: no, but i got my tongue stuck to one of those metal low monkey bar things.

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?: no?????

Have you ever been a cheerleader?: no, but my childhood friend and i wanted to be cheerleaders in high school before i moved to a different state

Have you ever sat on a roof top?: nope

Have you ever brushed your teeth?: who are you, my mom?

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?: oh my GOD yes

Have you ever played chicken?: nope!! im a pussy

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?: nope!

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?: not that i’m hot, but i’ve gotten many compliments from strangers

Have you ever broken a bone?: nope!

Have you ever been easily amused?: i used to be one of those kids that would laugh before they could finish a joke

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?: i’ve laughed so hard that i’ve pissed myself. so yes.

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?: i mean????

Have you ever cheated on a test?: i cheated on a 2nd grade spelling test. who knew that i would end up actually being great at spelling shit

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?: oh my god i have the worst memory and i’m terrible with names

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?: my boyfriend :’’’’^)

Give us one thing about you that no one knows: a couple friends know, but when i’m too lazy to throw on shoes or socks to walk around the house i just pull my sweatpants legs a bit over my feet and just wrap it around my feet. it’s weird

[discovering-ellie]

August 28, 2021 - Post Three

Okay, so this is going to be a VERY long post (and I'm so sorry for that) since I was a little too busy yesterday to write about the mindfulness card and I still have to do today's card. So, today is going to be a jumbo-sized card post for both days Thirteen and Fourteen.

Day Thirteen -- Like I said, I chose to pull from the "Kindness" section since I was feeling a little lazy, but I'm definitely not mad about this card in the slightest.

Front: "Notice strangers"

Back: "Making an effort to pay attention to people we don't ordinarily notice in our daily lives can help us avoid getting caught up in our own personal dramas. Next time you come across someone you don't know -- whether it's during a morning commute, on a trip, or even in your workplace -- take a moment to really notice how they are. Resist the urge to create a story about them. Instead, just take a small moment to connect with them through eye contact, a smile, or a hello. See them as they are: as real human beings rather than as anonymous extras passing through a movie about your life."

My Interpretation: I don't know if my rural/small town upbringing has anything to do with this but, in a way, I feel as if this is something that I already do subconsciously. Around here, when I see someone walking with a dog or riding their horse or a bike as I'm driving down the road, I tend to give them a small wave. Often times, I'll also do this to other drivers as we pass by each other on these farm-lined roads.

However, in reference to yesterday and my assignment at hand, I made small talk with a woman named Rachel at Starbucks while we waited for our mobile orders. We both knew that it would be busy at that time of day, so opted for the mobile order option while we watched other people get frustrated with the baristas over how long the orders were taking (mind you, their drive thru was backed up all the way onto TWO little shopping center outlet roads). We each got our drinks, wished each other a good day, and left.

Later on, while I was out at dinner with friends, I seized another opportunity (though it was definitely by sheer luck/coincidence/whatever you want to call it). We were out at Ale & Compass and one of the manager-types that walks the floor to check on tables was casually mentioning to someone that he was from "Vernon. You know, up by the Mountain Creek area." That was it. I was summoned. My head whipped around and before I could even really react to what I was about to do, I was already excitedly blurting out "Action Park!" "Accident Park!" "Traction Park!" "Class Action Park!" Every time that man came back to our table (damn, I wish I could remember what his nametag said because he was so cool), we had more Vernon/Action Park-isms to share. There was a real-life Jersey Party at Disney last night and it was incredible.

Plan of Action: I think this is something that I want to try to make more of an effort to do. I'm not always the best with small talk and it makes me really nervous to talk to new people, but I'm always getting people complimenting me on my Loungefly bags or my ears or something like that when I'm out at the theme parks. I think that's something I would like to do more -- hand out more compliments to people regarding things I notice about them.

Day Fourteen --

Okay, so I chose from "Relaxation" today because, again, laziness. Though, I also really like this card because it pairs very well with a goal that I already want to work on for myself.

Front: "Yes yes yes"

Back: "The idea of saying a giant, fat "Yes!" to everything that comes your way might feel cheesy or over the top, but as a mindfulness exercise, the practice of "yes" can be incredibly freeing. Whenever you notice any resistance to something that is happening in your direct experience, such as a difficult emotion or difficult sensation, instead of pushing it away try saying "yes" to the feeling and see what happens if it feels OK to do so."

My Interpretation: Okay, okay, we know that I'm already working on managing all of the feels in a healthy and constructive way. This card could be helpful for that. However, I'm also thinking that this card can help to push me out of my comfort zone and into trying new places and things. I have a whole list of places that I want to go or things that I want to do -- or a whole other list of things that I WISH I could do, but can't because of some major phobias (I'm looking at you, bioluminescent kayak tours).

Believe it or not, I've actually conquered a fear (cemeteries) or two in the past. Okay, maybe just one fear. And this isn't even just a minor fear, either. I used to be absolutely terrified of cemeteries. I would hate to stray off of the paths to go into the rows of gravestones. I would try to avoid as many plots as I could, while crying and apologizing and wishing I could be done with this as soon as possible. I don't know why they scared me as badly as they did but, of course, my parents thought that my fears were hilarious and poked fun at me for it every chance they got.

And then I got into urban & rural exploration. There are a vast amount of abandoned summer camps, farms, homes, cemeteries, etc. where I'm from and, more often than not, you could very easily find a detailed history of all of these places. I love the beauty in the decay when it comes to abandoned properties, but the history sucked me in even deeper. It was only then that I was able to look at a cemetery in a different light. It wasn't something to scare me (or to be shamed for openly expressing my fear) anymore; they were little pieces of history. Suddenly, they became less scary and more fascinating. I love cemeteries now.

Plan of Action: At least once a month, I want to do a new activity that I haven't done before or go to a new place that I haven't visited yet. Some ideas include ziplining, axe throwing, a rage room, maybe finding a place to pet a snake. Gradually, I would like to work my way up to conquering fears again but, for now, I like the rush that comes with trying something new.

DBT Skills Card Update: Ehhh. that's still coming along, though I'm now at a point where I've switched around my entire floor mopping routine to try to limit the amount of personal space invasion. So far, so good. Now, if I could get the laundry room issue taken care of. In other relationships, saying that I'm more confident in the progress I'm making there is an understatement.

ACT Skills Update: Thankfully, I haven't had to use them these past two days, though I have been practicing my self-compassion break phrases like I'm supposed to.

"I am already everything I am trying to be. I will see that if I stop for a minute."

[chefbastian]

Dinner Date || Sambastian

WHO: Sam Evans & Sebastian Smythe WHERE:  The Student Restaurant Annex and Sebastian’s room WHEN: 11/18/17 WHAT: Sam and Sebastian go on date and do some headcanon-ed smooching afterward. WARNING: Language, frank discussion of sexuality

Sebastian had told Sam to meet him at the most expensive of the culinary, on-campus restaurants. Maybe he wanted to show off, or maybe he wanted to do his best to talk the gorgeous blonde into bed... or maybe it'd just been a long damn time since he'd been on a real date. He waited outside of the restaurant so they could go in together, fiddling with his hem of his poncho. Sebastian was above being nervous. He didn't do nervous, leastwise for dates. With hot strangers. Right? He cleared his throat, waiting patiently.

Sam was running late. He could've gotten their faster on four legs, but then he wouldn't have any clothes and he was pretty sure the restaurant wouldn't let him in whether they were used to supers or not. So instead he just hurried as quickly as he could. He spotted Sebastian waiting outside the restaurant and quickly noticed the large wings that were sticking out the bottom of the poncho he was wearing. Even if Sam couldn't see all of them, they definitely looked awesome. "Hey!" he greeted, slightly out of breath. "I hope I'm not late. I was at the pool and I tend to lose track of time."

Sebastian grinned as Sam approached, shaking his head as he started to apologize. "No, don't worry about it." He was impeccable on time, as always, but it seemed easy enough to forgive a bit of a delay. It wasn't as if Sam had left him waiting for hours. "I hope you're time at the pool helped you work up an appetite. I've heard this place serves marvelous food, and with quite the view, too." He opened the door, putting a hand on the small of Sam's back to guide him inside. With a polite greeting for the maître d', Sebastian collected on their reservations and they were led over to a secluded booth with a breathtaking view of the water. "So, how was your day?" he asked casually as they sat down.

Sam had to admit he was just a little bit in awe. He could probably never afford to eat here on his own. His eyes were drawn out to the view from where they were sitting. He could never get tired of looking out at the water. Remembering not to be rude though, he turned back to Sebastian with a smile. "Oh, good. I did some yoga this morning with my roommate, spent the afternoon at the pool getting some laps in. And it definitely worked up an appetite," he confirmed. "How 'bout you?"

Sebastian reached for his glass of water, sipping it as Sam stared out at the view. He'd always thought yoga looked enjoyable, but he simply didn't have the core strength to fight his wings for balance for extended periods of time. "That sounds cool," he said with a smile, shrugging a bit. "I did a few laps around the island this morning, took a nap, baked a batch of scones... nothing particularly exhilarating." Trailing his fingertip around the edge of his water glass, Sebastian said, "So... tell me about you. What more is there to know aside from that gorgeous mouth and the wonderful sense of humor?"

"Running laps or...?" Sam paused and twirled his finger around up in the air with a curious expression on his face. "Cause I'd love to fly with you sometime. And scones sound very exciting to me," he laughed. He felt his face flush at Sebastian's compliments and he looked down at his hands for a moment. "Well, I'm from Tennessee. I've got two little sibs. They're twelve and twins and slightly crazy, but I miss them a lot already. I'm a zoology major. I'm on the swim team.  And I don't know as much about food as you do, but I love to eat it."

Smirking, Sebastian said, "I don't do much running." He'd never really flown with anyone and was honestly unsure if he had the capability to do so. "I don't know that I'd be able to carry you and safely not drop you, honestly," he said with a chuckle. "What are their names?" he asked, tilting his head to listen as Sam spoke. "You don't have to know a lot about it to enjoy it," he grinned. "Like most things, it's okay to have an untrained eye. Perhaps. if tonight goes well, I'll cook you dinner sometime." For Sebastian, cooking someone dinner was far more intimate, which was why he suggested the restaurant this evening.(edited)

Sam's brows drew together for a moment until he realized his mistake. "Oh, no. I meant like both of us flying.  Beside each other. I would be a bird though, so we couldn't really talk much," he admitted with a shrug. "Stevie and Stacy. My parents like the letter S. Don't ask me why.  I guess we're all super Ss." He chuckled softly. "True. And I'm guessing you don't know much about langurs, so I guess we've all got our things. But I think I'd definitely like that."

Sebastian sat up a bit straighter, leaning forward on the table. "Super of Fromian?" he asked curiously, and added, "and your power is that you turn into a bird? Does it hurt becoming so small? Or are you a big bird?" Unable to help himself, he snorted softly. All S's? It seemed rather quaint. "What the fuck is a langurs?" he asked, taking another sip. "I tend to ask a fair amount of questions, so I'm going to apologize ahead of time. I enjoy learning about people. And about topics I'm not familiar with."

Sam couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Sorry, I was picturing myself as Big Bird," he said with a shake of his head. "Super though. And not just birds, any animal. And no, it doesn't hurt becoming small. Everything just... becomes what it needs to become. I have lost my clothes a few times though." He shrugged, being used to the whole thing by now. He chuckled again at Sebastian's question. "A langur is a species of monkey. And it's no problem. Can I ask you a question?"

Shaking his head, Sebastian chuckled. "That was poor phrasing on my part," he admitted. He raised his eyebrows, a playful smile toying at the corners of his lips. "Well, losing your clothes certainly doesn't sound like the worst thing that could happen. But that sounds interesting... shocking that it doesn't cause discomfort, but interesting all the same. "Monkeys?" he repeated. "Hm." Sebastian felt a pang-- a gentle, almost unnoticeable pang-- of nervousness at  Sam's proposal of a question. "Absolutely. I'm an open book."

Sam felt his cheeks heat up once again, something Sebastian seemed pretty good at causing. "Yeah, I could guess you wouldn't actually mind that much. When you're running on a low budget, it can get annoying having to buy new clothes so much though," he explained. "Yeah, monkeys. They have super cute orange babies. I'm still practicing shifting into a monkey, but I think it'll be really fun." He bit on his lip for a moment while he considered how to word his question. "Do you ever-- ever feel like people care more about your wings and your powers than like... about getting to know you?"

Sebastian grinned, shaking his head. "No, I certainly wouldn't." The smile fell slightly as Sam explained why such circumstances would be inconvenient, but Sebastian chose not to dwell on it for now. "Well, anytime you end up naked, feel free to call. I'll come get you... and if you're luck, I'll bring clothes." He winked playfully. He tried to picture Sam in the middle-phases  of shifting, but was torn from his thoughts at the very... deep question.  "I..." he started, but faltered. How was he supposed to respond to that. "To be frank, I rarely let people get to know me. Life is far easier when you don't have personal entanglements. But here, now, I'm working on turning over a new leaf, if you will. Waldron is a fresh start for me in every way... including that one." Sebastian shook his head, chuckling a bit in spite of himself. "But I digress. The answer to your questions is yes. Absolutely. I'm essentially a fanfare to people, more often than not. Why do you ask?"

Sam chuckled and shook his head with affection. "I'll remember that," he teased as he glanced over the menu. He met Sebastian's eyes as he spoke though, nodding slowly. He couldn't say he completely understand. His relationships with people were pretty much the important thing in his life, but he knew not everyone had a family like his. "Well, it's cool that you're trying. I like to think I make a pretty decent friend," he offered. He sighed as he thought about his words again. "Well... from what I can see you've got really beautiful wings and I imagine they get a lot of attention. But I figure you've got a lot of other beautiful parts to you too. And I don't just mean your ass, although I'm sure that's great," he said with a smirk. "But back home everyone just knew who I was. And sometimes I was a dog and they petted me and sometimes I was Sam and they talked to me. But ever since I got here, people just wanna know all about my powers. Which is fine, I guess. But I'm pretty cool too. Just Sam."

Taking a long drink of the ice water in front of him, Sebastian smirked. He wasn't quite sure how 'cool' it was, but at least Sam seemed to think so. "I'll bet you do," he said nodding. He cleared his throat as Sam spoke, shifting in his chair and ducking his head. The heat on his cheeks was... unusual. And weird. And since when the hell did he let pretty blondes make him blush and fucking flatter him? He was, quite apparently, off his game. But who the hell just tossed around the word beautiful like that? He couldn't help but chuckle at the comment about his ass, glancing out the window to avoid meeting Sam's gaze. "Have you ever been in an environment before where you're surrounded completely by..." he paused. Well, there were Baselines now, but the point still stood. "What I'm saying is that this environment is different than most. I think, in good time, people won't even remember you shift. They'll just be interested in who you are as Sam. Not as... anything else."

Sam nodded slowly as he considered this explanation. "True. I mean, pretty much everyone in our town knew our family and kinda just accepted us for who we were," he said with a shrug. "This is a lot of new people. I hope so though. Powers are cool, but I like learning about people." Maybe he was being naive or sappy or something, but it wasn't going to change who he was. He rested his chin on his hand where he was leaning on the table and stared at the menu. "You probably know what's better to order than I do. There's not much I won't eat though."

“I get that,” Sebastian said, nodding. “Just keep in mind that here, everyone is at this university because of the fact that they have some kind of talent or ability. So people are going to want to know what it is about you that got you here.” Reaching over, he gave Sam’s hand a brief squeeze. “I’m not excusing that bullshit, I’m just saying... patience.” He sat up straighter, unsure why he’d felt the need to be any brand of affectionate. “You want me to order for you?” he offered with a flirty waggle of his eyebrows.

"Makes sense, I guess," Sam agreed after some consideration. "I am really glad I was able to come here. Didn't have the grades or money, so at least I can turn into a dog whenever I want." He laughed softly and set his menu down, watching as Sebastian's hand touched his. "Sure. Why not? I trust you. Not sure if I should," he admitted with a grin. "But I do."

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. “I’m not terribly good at the lines between ‘personal’ and ‘too personal,’ so you don’t have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, but how are you here, then? Scholarships?” He laughed softly as he saw the waiter heading over, adding a quick, “You probably shouldn’t trust me,” before greeting the man pleasantly and ordering an appetizer of gourgeres. He assumed Sam would enjoy a nice French cheese puff. “So what is it about me that you find trustable?” He asked with a smile.

Sam just nodded in response at first. "My grades aren't top notch, but they're not trash either. Good enough to qualify for stuff. Plus I've got dyslexia, and they've actually got a lotta scholarships for that specifically, so between that and my family's low income, I got a lotta help," he explained. He leaned forward on the table again and looked in Sebastian's eyes. "Well, food wise, being a culinary student probably puts you ahead of me automatically. In general... I don't know. Just a feeling."

Interestingly enough, Sebastian wholly assumed Sam was incredibly intelligent. He at least came off as such. “I’m excellent at studying if you ever need a buddy... truthfully, I don’t know a lot about dyslexia, but I’m sure there are study tips to make it... well, not easier. But you know.” Sebastian rarely thought about how lucky he was, financially speaking, and he was grateful for the reminder. “Ahead of you when it comes to food knowledge? Possibly. I’m not sure why you’re willing to give me automatic trust, but I’ll do my best not to fuck it up, should this go anywhere.” He gave Sam a genuine smile.

Sam's smile appeared easily. He'd been a little nervous to come to a school with so many talented people. He knew he had his own talents, but he also knew how mean people could be if they wanted to. So it was refreshing to him that he hadn't experienced a lot of that since coming here. "That'd be awesome, yeah. I do a lot better if I study with someone cause talking about stuff and hearing it makes it stick a lot better than just reading it. My roommate's in my stats class and this guy Roderick agreed to be my bio lab partner, so that's cool. I'm not sure how composition's gonna go," he admitted with a shrug. He'd work to do his best like he did with everything else. "Like I said, I'm not sure either. I just feel like I should. Maybe it's the pup instincts. Good at reading people." He winked at Sebastian playfully from across the table.

As the waiter brought over their hors d'oeuvre dish, Sebastian thanked him softly and said, "these are essentially just French cheese puffs," before popping one into his mouth. "I've talked to Roderick a bit. He seems pretty cool. And all the freshmen are in the same Comp class, so if you need any help, it shouldn't be hard to find. And, according to the syllabus my prof handed out, there's a writing center for people who need a little extra hand. But," he said with a playful grin, "I also happen to know a handsome student who happens to breeze through his writing courses." He couldn't imagine why Sam felt the need to try and trust him, but he certainly wouldn't complain.(edited)

"I love cheese. And I like puffs," Sam declared before nabbing one for himself. "Don't know much about French food, but A+ on these." He gave Sebastian a thumbs up as he sipped at his water. "You know anything about Tennessee barbecue?" He considered that, figuring it should be easy to find someone to help him out if he needed it. His lips curled up at Sebastian's offering though. "And would this handsome student actually help me study or try to get me naked?"

Sebastian smiled triumphantly. He was glad he made the right choice and happy that Sam was enjoying the gourgeres. "Tennessee barbecue? Not particularly. Most of my culinary knowledge rests in French cuisine because that's what I've been trained in, but I'm sure I'll learn eventually. And I could make a point of learning sooner, if it's something you'd enjoy." He reached out, taking Sam's hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss his knuckles. "He'd certainly want to assist your pursuit of knowledge. Though, if you were interested, he'd also want to assist you with your pursuit of nudity."

Sam might have actually moaned a little at the memory of his father's barbecue. "It's the taste of home. Nothing quite like it," he answered proudly. "But, like I said, I really like trying new stuff too and these delicious." He popped another one in his mouth before his hand was taken across the table. He felt his cheeks flush yet again, but he was smiling all the same. "I think I might just be interested."

"Well, I'll add it to my to-do list then." He watched Sam carefully, a grin slowly spreading across his face when Sam mentioned being interested. He released his hand, taking a sip of water and then leaning forward on his elbows. "May I be incredibly honest with you about something?" he asked with a flirtatious smile. "Though, I want it to be clear that I'm interested in far more than just having sex with you."

Sam was actually having a really great time. He didn't really get to go on many dates like this and definitely never with a guy so flirty. Plus he was genuinely enjoying the conversation. "Of course. I'm all for honesty," he told him, still moving his fingertips over Sebastian's hand. "Thanks though. That's nice to hear."

Smiling, Sebastian said, "Good. Because I prefer to be honest." He paused as the waiter came over again, checking on the appetizer and asking if they'd chosen entrées. Sebastian ordered them each a dish of pot-au-feu and baguette and, once the waiter walked away, focused back on Sam. "It's a very hearty beef stew. I think you'll enjoy it." Taking another drink of water, Sebastian met Sam's eyes. "After dinner, I'd really like to watch a movie, like I mentioned when we made the date. But I'd like to spend at least half of that movie making out with you, if that's something you'd be interested in, as well."

"Sounds like my kinda food," Sam chuckled. He had a feeling it wouldn't be quite like his mother made, but he was enjoying his new food experiences so far. His eyes lit up slightly as he listened to Sebastian speak and he looked back out at the water momentarily, mostly so he wouldn't sputter like an idiot. He licked his lips and met Sebastian's gaze again, giving him a little nod. "I think that sounds like a pretty awesome way to spend the evening."

"I thought it might," Sebastian said honestly with a grin. "I've learned that it's best to ease people into French cuisine instead of dropping it on them like a ton of bricks." He watched with interest as Sam looked out to the sunset and found himself fiddling with the edge of his napkin. He was eager, but perhaps a bit nervous, as he waited for the answer. But as Sam spoke, he realized he was nervous about nothing. "Well, i'm glad we're in agreement, then," he smiled.

"Yeah, I'm not sure I'm ready for snails yet. To eat, I mean. I'm pretty sure French people do that. I've definitely been a snail before though," he added with a soft laugh. He narrowed his eyes curiously though the smile still remained. "Did you think I was gonna say no?" he asked, honestly wondering just what was going on in Sebastian's mind right now. He was much different than anyone back home, but he liked that about him.

Sebastian laughed softly. “Escargot tastes unfortunately quite delicious, but I find myself unable to get around the concept of eating a snail long enough to enjoy it.” He took a moment to think about his answer before he spoke. If he was truly working on himself as he’d been saying, he should give an honest answer, shouldn’t he? “Well,” Sebastian started slowly. “I don’t usually date, so I’m generally unsure of what to expect.”

Sam's face scrunched up because he just couldn't imagine that tasting anywhere close to good. "Don't think I could do it," he decided. He nodded slowly at Sebastian's answer. At least it seemed to be an honest one and not just some smart remark. "I guess it probably depends on who you're on the date with. But I like movies and I like making out and... I like you. So it sounds good to me."

"I'll bet you could," he said with a smile.  "It's shockingly delicious. Just... nasty when you think about where the deliciousness is coming from." Before he could reply, their waiter returned and set their soup and bread in front of them and Sebastian thanked him pleasantly. "This would really pair well with a nice red," he said, "but the goddamn drinking laws here keep fucking me over." Chuckling, Sebastian said, "Well good. I happen to be enjoying our time immensely. I think the movie will be just as fun." He winked before starting in on his pot-au-feu.

"I mean, if I was dared to eat a snail... I'd eat a snail," Sam clarified, looking Sebastian in the eye for emphasis. "I've probably eaten some animals most people don't eat regularly anyway since most of our meat was what Dad and I caught." He smiled with anticipation as the food as set in front of him, suddenly aware of how hungry he was. "Your life must be very hard without wine," he teased with a grin. "Besides, water's good for you. And I'm enjoying our time a lot too."

Sebastian wrinkled his nose, but said nothing. The concept of personally hurting animals was beyond him entirely, but he didn't mind eating them if they were already dead. Smirking, he rolled his eyes. "There are certain meals that should always be consumed with wine, Sam. I have so much to teach you." He did take another drink of his water, though, before adding, "And wine is good for your body. Ask any health professional."

Sam didn't miss the look on Sebastian's face, but it wasn't exactly the first time he'd seen it before. "You can judge if you want, but when you're living on food stamps you're a little more willing to do what it takes to feed growing kids," he insisted, not angry,  but still making his point. His smile returned though and he shook his head curiously. "It is, but it's not always good for a still developing brain. I say as a guy who's drunk plenty of beer," he added with a laugh.

Instantly, he felt guilty. He hadn't meant to... well, to do anything. And yet he'd managed to put his entire foot right in his mouth. Sebastian huffed, sighing. "I..." god, there were few things he hated as much as apologizing and implying that he was wrong. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I wasn't judging the... monetary part of it. I just personally don't understand being able to kill animals. I've always thought it was pretty barbaric. But that's not a reflection on you." He tried to smile, giving a small nod. "My brain's obviously been fine thus far, I'd say."

Sam quirked his mouth to the side and nodded in understanding. "It's okay. I get that. I mean... imagine having to kill animals after you've learned how to... become them," he pointed out. "It feels pretty weird. But you gotta push past that stuff sometimes to take care of your family." He reached across the table and laid his hand over Sebastian's. "It's really okay though. Don't twist yourself up."

"I can't even begin to," he said honestly, sighing. Sebastian had been lucky enough to never be forced to take care of his family. They were delightfully self sufficient and he spent his time as far away from them as possible. When Sam touched his hand, he found himself smiling a bit, biting his lip. God, even he sucked ass at this whole 'dating' thing? Sam was really fucking good at it. "What's your family like?" he asked.

[kathleenliz]

Seven Things People Need to Stop Saying to Persons with Disabilities.

I’ve had the idea for this post rolling around in my head for a few weeks now and today’s rainy weather is all the motivation I need to get it out of my head and onto the internet.

Being a person with a disability (vision impairment in my case) naturally comes with a host of challenges. Some of the greatest challenges I face revolve around people; not how I interact with them, but how they interact with me. I can be conversing with a stranger, getting to know a new friend or spending time with a loved one, feeling like things are going great. Then, something comes out of their mouth and my heart drops. I have to constantly remind myself that 99% of the time, people say insensitive things with good intentions, or out of pure ignorance to what they’re actually saying. I’m sure you are a good person who would never want to cause such a reaction in me or someone like me, so I thought I’d compile a list of well intentioned things you should never say to someone with a disability AND what you can say instead!

1. “You’re such an inspiration!” It’s become more and more common knowledge that this phrase isn’t kosher in the disabled community, but I thought I’d break it down for you incase you missed the memo. If you know me well, have thought deeply about it and actually can say the way I’ve lived my life has changed your perspective, that’s great! You can definitely call me an inspiration. However, if you just see me at Shoppers Drug Mart buying cotton swabs, please refrain from blurting this out. Basically what you’re communicating to me is that you believe that to have a disability is a horrible, unimaginable fate and the fact that I’m out in the world doing a normal thing must be a shear act of God. Maybe it is for me that day, but more likely it isn’t. Here’s a good rule of thumb as to whether to call a disabled stranger inspirational or not. If they are doing something that you would be nervous to do, disabled or not, they are inspirational. For example, when I was backpacking through Thailand, the adoration of peers meant a lot to me because they were acknowledging me overcoming challenges as I overcame them. The lady who cried in shoppers as I asked the cashier for help with the debit machine as I purchased my cotton swabs, did not see such a thing. What you can say instead: “I don’t know you well, but you seem to navigate the world with a great deal of grace despite things that might be challenging. I’d love to get to know you more.”

2. “I don’t even see you as disabled / I forget that you’re disabled!” I actually get this one the most from friends and family. On the surface it sounds like they are being noble and inclusive, but in reality I’m hearing something different. To me, it sounds like you’re choosing not, or forgetting to acknowledge a major aspect that makes up the mosaic of my identity. I am disabled. I may carry myself as if I’m not, but it’s still a part of me and informs my choices and reactions. When you run off without me where I can’t see you, apologize and play it off like you were being noble by not viewing me as disabled, you are distancing yourself from me being able to trust you with all of myself. What to say instead: “It’s so amazing to see the way your experiences, including your disability, have shaped who you are!”

3. “You’re totally like Daredevil (or some other disabled icon)!” I know you’re trying to be super encouraging with this one, but when you liken me to a disabled super-icon, I start to feel very small. I look at my failed accomplishments, my fears and my lack of gracefulness that my disability affords me and see how far I actually am from that ideal. The problem with society is they assume disabled people are either completely incompetent, or super human. Both are standards that I’m not willing or able to live up to. What to say instead: … just don’t compare me to anyone, that would be great.

4. Have you thought of glasses/surgery/eye of newt? Believe me, if you’re suggesting it, I’ve probably thought about it… like a hundred times. I and my family probably thought about it when I was first diagnosed, investigated it and figured out it wasn’t an option. Assuming you have some idea or miracle cure for me makes me feel that you’re oversimplifying my experiences, as if I haven’t thought of trying to change things. Unless you know me and my history in this area, kindly keep your thoughts to yourself. What to say instead: … nothing

5. “You don’t look blind / disabled!” Again, I know you believe you sound good saying this and I’ll admit I’ve taken this as a compliment before. It’s not so much for me that you shouldn’t say this, but for others like me. As mentioned before, the media isn’t the greatest at portraying disabled people. On the end of the spectrum we’re talking here, it’s some sort of out-of-touch, bumbling, possibly demanding old person dressed in mismatched fashion from three decades ago. We’ve all seen this person in real life too unfortunately, but for every one of them we see, I’d like to believe there’s at least three disabled young people trying to break this stereotype and I know I’m one of them. You can help by believing that someone like me is the rule, not the exception. What to say instead: “How you present yourself is really challenging the way I perceive people with disabilities!”

6. “My hairdresser’s neighbour’s nephew has a disability and is doing such-and-such. Isn’t that awesome?” This is often a tactic that someone who’s just met me employs to try and find some common ground. Unfortunately, it falls pretty flat. Often the person has a completely different disability and is doing something I have no interest in. Think of it like saying to a Chinese person “My boss’s accountant’s sister-in-law is Indian and they’re doing such-and-such!” See, they’re both Asian, but you know their experiences are completely unique. Also, maybe I have no interest in doing the thing they’re doing! Or maybe I don’t feel like I’m capable, which leads us into the shame spiral mentioned in #3. If I say I’m interested in doing that specific thing, such as having children or downhill skiing and you know a person with my disability who does the same, feel free to tell me so I can be encouraged and connect with them, otherwise it’s just out of place What to say instead: Only bring it up if it’s relevant to what we’re talking about.

7. “Let me help you with that!” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been going along, minding my own business and someone suddenly yells “WATCH OUT!!!” or “Let me help you ge through this construction/cross this street!” Usually this just succeeds in freaking me out and throwing me off so that I actually do trip on the thing you were so kindly trying to warn me about that I already knew how to navigate around, proving your point further. Truthfully, if you see a disabled person doing something, let them do it. If they are visibly having a hard time, ask them if they need help. If they say no, don’t be offended, even if they’re failing miserably at it. They may need to have at experience of failure to learn their limitations. If the person does agree to receive help, do it their way. I’ve heard of and been in far too many situations where a disabled person’s system is thrown off because someone thought they knew what they were doing instead of asking. What to say instead: “Excuse me, I’m just behind you and I’m willing to help you with anything if you need it.”

[electriceell]

Someone in this room is a rape survivor

@ihaveacuttingplan - i just came across this while cleaning up my laptop and man, I still like this piece. and since it’ll never be published I figured I’d dump it on my tumblr

TW: rape mention, discussion of rape culture

(written for UMass GWIS, 11/2015)

Getting to leave home and go to college was, without a doubt, what got me through the doldrums of high school. Upon arrival, the entire first-year class had a week of orientation before we began our classes. During this week we moved into our dorms, chose classes and computer passwords; we were given the “don’t drink to excess” talk, the sex talk, and even the “consent is only a sober yes” talk. And then we were given rape whistles. The box of them was set out and female students were encouraged to take them, but everyone was welcome to them. We signed a contract stating we wouldn’t use the whistles unless we were in danger. No one talked about what to do if they heard a rape whistle being blown or what to do if we didn’t have the whistle on us or if we were too drunk, scared, or drugged to use it. Never mind the fact that I had my rape whistle in my pocket when I was raped. No one talked about the fact that people are four times more likely to be assaulted by some they know than a stranger. I didn’t think about my whistle too much when I got it, but it began to weigh on me. I went to my chemistry and physics classes with male professors and predominantly male classmates and attached to my wallet was my room key and a piece of metal that screamed, “you are never safe.”

           Women and girls are taught over and over by society to fear males because women are prey and their bodies are bait. Men cannot control themselves and “boys will be boys” so it is on women and girls to arm themselves against the world. I don’t know who it was who taught me to carry my keys between my fingers like knives, just in case, but I do it to this day. There are plenty of emails and posts on social media explaining the easiest self defense mechanisms that implore people to share with the women they love. Because women must protect themselves. Because the world is a threat. And what about when women are attacked? They are blamed. It is not always external sources that blame victims, but the internal sense of not being enough. There is a sense that a woman who “allows herself to be attacked” was not prepared enough, didn’t fight hard enough, wasn’t thinking. Survivors review in their minds what they did that was wrong, where they could have changed their actions to prevent their attack. Why aren’t we thinking about all the reasons our attackers should rot in jail?

Many of my female friends have been given mace by fathers, mothers, and brothers “just in case”. We are taught to believe that these are reasonable, preventative measures, but only women are expected to take them. These actions and objects teach us that, when we enter a public space, a man’s space, we are responsible for both our own actions and any actions men might take against us.  When we walk home alone we are “taking an unnecessary risk” and “were asking for it” if we are attacked. Walking across campus or town at night is not inherently dangerous for men. They will not be blamed if they are mugged. If a woman is mugged people mutter, “Why was she walking alone? Didn’t she know better?” You tell me: why does she have to know better than to walk home? Why can’t he know better than to attack someone? Why are women blamed when they are the victims of violence? (Something about how teaching preventative measures is counter productive and victim-blaming in essence under the veil of practicality; focuses on female responsibility not male culpability).

Beyond the threat of muggings and murders, the threat of sexual violence is present, with it’s own insidious edge. At a young age, 11 or 12 years old, I learned to dull my ears to the catcalls of men and boys; even believed it was complimentary, despite how frightened it made me. The mentality that any male attention is good attention is such a pervasive part of rape culture and party culture. When I entered college I had the mindset that any male ‘affection’ I received was a compliment, so, at parties, I didn’t stop men when they touched me in ways I didn’t want because ‘it was a compliment.’ Party culture on US campuses says that it is okay for men to touch and exploit women’s bodies for their own pleasure and it is always happening. It has been reported that 40% of men believe it is acceptable to force sex with an intoxicated women and that 70 and 80% of campus rapes happen when the female is intoxicated. While the mere presence of a bystander makes a completed rape 44% less likely, party culture, under the guise of being accepting sexual freedom and promiscuity, makes it simple for a rapist to lead their victim to somewhere without a bystander, like their house, dorm room, or even an empty room at the party.

           Currently as UMass there is a poster campaign, spearheaded by Northwestern District Attorney David Sullivan, meant to promote bystander intervention as a technique to prevent assault on campuses. At a superficial level this attempt is a very good thing; bystander intervention has the potential to stop a lot of assaults. The administration is also acknowledging the prevalence and problematic nature of sexual assault on campus, which is the first step towards rectifying this problem. Unfortunately, if we look a little more closely, this campaign is only superficial and creates and worsens the problems it is aimed to alleviate. The idea of bystander intervention is like mace or a rape whistle, it stops a single incident if it actually gets used and these good intentions have insidious implications. When we think critically about the active bystander approach it puts the onus of prevention on friends and bystanders, while moving blame away from perpetrators. It also creates a self-congratulatory environment for the “good” people who work to be an active bystander. Personally, I feel like this is just being a decent human being. Many universities fund training sessions on how to be an active bystander and require RAs to be trained, which I applaud, but why aren’t schools running mandatory training sessions on consent? In 2004, 9% of college-aged men admitted to having acted in a manner that aligns with the current definition of rape, but none of them identify as a rapist. Clearly, there is a problem in the public understanding of what constitutes rape and this problem must be rectified. If someone does not know their own rights or the rights of others, the chances for violations increases. If we do not give people the language to communicate consent the overwhelming rate of rape will only grow. When people do not know what constitutes rape, the chances of it happening increase and the chances of it being reported decrease.

           The “active bystander” posters can be seen around UMass campus on the buses that run to and from campus. They have pictures of (remarkably diverse) young people with catchy sayings like “Be a man, show me respect” and “What if she were your sister?” These phrases undermine the actual problem of assault and rape. The first example takes the focus away from the violence of attacking another person and instead highlights the institutionalized sexism. It suggests that protecting one’s sense of “manliness” would be the only reason not to rape someone. Additionally, it makes respect a gift to be given, as opposed to something that should be expected. This sentence normalizes the idea that showing a woman respect is a great kindness and builds the self-congratulatory environment centered on the male sense of grandeur. The second phrase spotlights the sense that women are only people if they are related to you; women are only people if you are not socially allowed to be attracted to them. On top of the negative connotations and ideologies behind these posters they can also be triggering to survivors. In this way, a campaign meant to help with a very serious problem serves to increase bias and is damaging to the people it means to help. When making these posters and designing this campaign why weren’t survivors, psychologists, and feminist scholars consulted to create something that would actually eliminate acceptance of rape culture and sexism and not hurt people who have been assaulted.

We have built a society that teaches men to take without regard to women and for women to be silent. Additionally, we are taught that women are catty, women are liars, women are gossips. Since women has been taught to be silent when they do talk it is a weapon to be used against each other and against men. With all of this and the prevalence of sexual assault and abuse, how can we be confused by the low rate at which rapes are reported. Think of the person or people you know who have been raped or assaulted. Yes, someone you know is a survivor, whether they have told you or not, since 1 in 4 college-aged women survive sexual assault or attempted sexual assault. (Remember this next time you make a rape joke or complain consent laws.) How many of us have told you that our attacker is in jail? In my experience, myself included, the number is zero. It is zero, not because they don’t know who attacked them, but because they were scared to speak up and report, scared of how it would affect their relationships and reputation. Women and girls are aware that their stories will be challenged, that they will be called liars, and that their male attackers words will be given more weight. When the victims are more scared of how the police and society will treat them for being attacked, there is a huge problem. This systematic, institutionalized fear affects more than just assault survivors, it carries over and bleeds into all aspects of women’s lives, always present, if subconsciously.

           So now, here I am, a woman in a STEM graduate program. Armed with my rape whistle I take the bus to campus, I see posters imploring men not to rape me, and I walk into a classroom with a male professor and predominantly male classmates and peers. How can you possibly expect me to give a presentation with confidence and assurance when everything around me reminds me of how unsafe the world is for me? I have been told that more than half of the room and most of the people in a position of power are potential threats to my safety. Society has taught me that I always need to be prepared should they choose to attack. It is ridiculous that anyone is surprised that women don’t assert themselves. When questions are posed in class, we, as women, tend not to answer because flying under the radar is the best way to keep safe. If we sit down and shut up we will be left alone. Just think of how much energy our brain uses analyzing threats and reviewing defense tactics; think of how much more we could contribute and dominate our fields if we weren’t constantly looking over our shoulder or scared of upsetting the wrong person.

Women balance themselves on a knife point. We want to be intelligent and capable, but not too smart or good at our jobs, that makes us a threat; assertive, but not too aggressive because then you are a bitch; opinionated, but not too intimidating because no one will like you and without allies, you don’t even stand a chance. These veiled threats are always present. We are like monkeys at the circus; we attempt to juggle while balancing on a moving elephant. We are tightrope walkers, constantly aware of our outward appearance as well as our performance, but for us there is no safety net. If we fall, we are dead on the ground. The greater movement for women in STEM focuses on teaching us to take up more space and encourages us to speak our minds and give our opinions. In classes and meetings I always strive to do these things, as I’m sure all women in STEM do, but how do we recode our very natures when we have been taught across our lifetimes how to protect ourselves. Given that these things are currently incongruous, how do we find a way to juxtapose them? Where is the balance between being a “good” woman in science and protecting yourself?

The answer is one that I have yet to find. Instead, I tend to fall to one side or other. I am too acquiescing and taken advantage of or I am too loud, too opinionated and professors and colleagues hate me. Sexism, and particularly the sexism faced by women in STEM is a complicated, multi-headed beast, but the threats of violence and rape culture are one of those heads. When we deconstruct the dangerous and toxic environment that teaches girls “constant vigilance” as the only way to remain safe, we will create so much more space, time, energy, and brainpower for women to excel in whatever they choose. Without the fear of violent repercussions for acting in the same manner as men, women will be free to claim their rightful places in scientific pursuits.

[kinetic-seth]

Task 12: Muse Booster

Name: Seth Harper

Height: 6′2″

Age in Story: 25

Birthplace: Stockton, California

Hair (color, length, style): Dirty blond/light brunet (gets lighter in the warmer months, darker in the colder) hair with natural waves kept short cropped (image).

Race/Nationality: White; American with British ethnicity

Regional Influences: California

Accent (voice, style of speech, slang, signature words/phrases): Seth doesn’t have an accent that he’s aware of, and his voice is pleasantly deep sounding with a very subtle rough edge to it. He doesn’t have any signature words or phrases, but he tends to curse more often with people he’s comfortable with. Voice clip here.

Religion: No religion

Marital Status: So very single

Scars/Other Notable Physical Attributes: He gets a lot of compliments about his jawline and cheekbones. Other than that, the only other thing he has is the registration tattoo on his left wrist.

Handicaps (physical, emotional, mental): None actually professionally diagnosed, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he had some form of depression and mild anxiety.

Athletic? Inactive? Overall health?: Very athletic. He keeps himself in shape and works out either by running or going to the gym to use exercise equipment almost every day. It’s kind of become a habit and a necessity after he got involved in the drug dealing world, and most recently, fighting at Moxxi’s Madhouse.

Style of Dress: Seth’s style is very simple, and kind of cheap. He usually wears jeans, sneakers or combat boots, with a plain white or black t-shirt underneath a leather jacket or a leather hoodie. Sometimes he’ll wear a nicer shirt with a collar.

Favorite Colors: Reds, oranges, violets

How does character feel about appearance? His self esteem is weird. He thinks of himself as physically attractive, but if someone else of a higher degree of attractiveness were to compliment his appearance, he’d suddenly become a little more insecure.

Any siblings?: None that he’s aware of. Although, he considers his cousin Bradley to basically be his little brother.

Relationship with parents?: Well, his dad walked out on him when Seth was ten, and ever since then, his mother abused him. It’s safe to say that once he got out of the house at 16, he cut all ties with his mother, and he hasn’t heard from his father since he left.

Memories about childhood?: For some reason, Seth vividly remembers a happier time when he was around six, and his parents took him to the beach one Saturday. It was probably the best day of his life, and they were all smiling and happy, eating junk food like cotton candy, fried Oreos, and ice cream after his dad helped him build the most awesome sand castle. His mother took a picture of him with his dad making the castle, and no one knows that he keeps the picture in a frame by his bedside to remember that time in his life.

Educational background? (Street smart? Book smart?): He dropped out of high school when he ran away from home at sixteen, and eventually got his GED in case he ever had the opportunity to go to college. He’s more street smart than book smart. 

Work Experience: Drug dealer, bodyguard for a mafia leader’s daughter, and fighter at Moxxi’s Madhouse. He’s currently looking into bartending jobs.

Where does the character live now? Describe home. (Emotional atmosphere & physical): He lives in a two-bedroom beach side condo in West Stone. It has a luxurious, contemporary open spaced feel with a relaxed environment since he lives alone.

Neat or messy?: He doesn’t mind a mess in certain things like leaving clothes on the floor, but when it comes to picking up trash and cleaning up dishes, he’s much neater in that regard.

Sexuality: Straight, although he’s slowly discovering and acknowledging he is probably bisexual. 

Morals: Seth likes to think he has good morals overall, even if he doesn’t follow them. He tries to do the right thing, but he has no qualms with killing someone to defend someone he cares about.

Activities: Running, martial arts, kickboxing, fighting at Moxxi’s Madhouse

Friends? Pets?: Some of his closest friends are Teddy and Marcy, and his cousin Bradley

Enemies? Why?: None that he can think of

Basic Nature: Seth is a quiet and most people would say he “broods” a lot. He’s rather shy and introverted, although he can mask that when he feels like it. He’s sarcastic and gruff a lot of the time, but underneath that, he will go above and beyond for anyone he cares about.

Personality Traits: Quiet, loyal, protective, stubborn, sarcastic, caring, distrusting, witty (sometimes), strong-hearted, brave

Strongest/Weakest Traits: His strongest traits are definitely his stubbornness and protective streak. While he’s caring, he can sometimes not always be great at showing it, and that has sometimes gotten him in trouble.

What do they fear?: He fears losing the few people in his life that he cares about. 

What are they proud of?: The fact that he actually has friends, a home, and he’s survived this far in life.

Outlook on life: He tends to have a more pessimistic view of the world, but there is a small shred of optimism he keeps buried deep underneath.

Ambitions: He's very simple in what he wants, and all he’s striving to achieve for is to get a well-paying job and become a more functional adult. He has occasionally thought about going back to school, but he has no idea what he’d want to do.

Politics: Seth doesn’t really focus on politics a lot, nor does he really strongly side with any particular party. He feels he’s a bit too “uneducated” to talk about financial or economic issues, or war and country relations, but with things like immigration, social issues, crime, and Metahuman rights, he tries to pay attention to. He tends to be in the middle, agreeing with conservative values on one issue and leaning towards a liberal view on others. 

How do they see themselves?: He honestly really doesn’t see himself as anything special. Just another person living and going on through life until death comes.

How are they seen by others?: To those who know him, they see him as a strong but quiet person, a protective “sibling,” and a good friend. Strangers would say he’s either rude and sarcastic and cold, or nice but shy and aloof.

Do I (the writer) like this person? Why? Why not?: I like Seth as a person. He’s got that big protective older brother vibe, and I’d love to have him around when walking home at night instead of being by myself. He’d do whatever he has to in order to keep a friend safe and unharmed. 

Most Important Thing About Them: His kind heart.

Present Problem: He needs to find a well-paying job so he can get money and pay for his home, food, and other things. This has proven to be quite a difficult task.

How it will get worse: With the Nephilim being known as public Metahuman terrorists, the great majority of society (especially in Pansaw) fears Metahumans. Since Seth is registered, he’s been getting turned away from most of the jobs he’s trying to get.

Their goals in this story?: Main goal? Survive this crazy world. Other goals would include graduating from college (actually attending college first is a good idea too), find some love maybe, and possibly be happy.

What traits will help/hurt them in achieving this goal?: When Seth puts his mind to something, he perseveres like all hell. 

What makes them different from similar characters?: Seth could be compared to the “gentle giant” character trope, or the “looks like he could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll” meme. He can definitely be a cinnamon roll, but he will not bat an eye or feel any semblance of guilt when it comes to taking out a threat against his own life or a threat against someone he loves.

Why will readers remember this character vividly?: Despite his rough past and present, he’s still a good guy who hasn’t let it all tear him down completely, and that kind of strength is something I find admirable.