#actually I thought it would be fun to make an actual Google form for Valentine’s Day but I’m not popular on any of my socials

[littletrashpile]

Actually, this my diary so fuck you, shyness.. cringe… shame. I am 5 feet and a half. I’m fat. I’m very nice, I’ve been told I’m kind, and I talk a lot. So much so I’ve been described to ‘hold people hostage’ in conversations. More nicely, I’ve once been called a story teller. I like anime, though I haven’t seen anything recently, and I like art, and I like horror and romance. I like video games! Though I haven’t ever played anything other than Nintendo. In fact, I’m lacking in a lot of experience. I’ve never seen Star Wars, I haven’t watched most of the mcu. I really like watching recaps and summaries and let’s plays. Lots of games I’ve seen though the videos of men like Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Kubscoutz, Manlybadasshero, etc. My favorite color is pink, though it used to be purple when I was a kid. I don’t think my mother realizes I’ve grown up and have become a new shade of me because she still thinks it’s purple. I… my favorite anime is Fruits basket. I’m a girly girl type but I don’t wear makeup. I’m also very ditzy and empty headed and when I shop I talk out loud the whole time to remind myself of what I need but also because I guess I like to feel like I have company. I also love the toy aisle and I usually talk myself out of buying a plush. I really want this giant snorlax they sell at Walmart, maybe one day! I want to fill a graveyard with flowers one day. I draw, a lot! But also not really. I draw with my finger on my phone and I can get one bust drawing done in a day if I try hard enough. I’ve been kind of depressed so it takes longer for me to draw and mind motivation to open the app. Um, I like cats. I had cats. I miss kissing their paws. I am a very big lover girl!!! I love hearts and the idea of romance, and I love to kiss. I’ve never been kissed but I love kissing cheeks and heads and I kiss hands, and I plant endless smooches on my stuffed animals. I love to cuddle them too. I sleep with a giant dog plush every night. I imagine I’d be clingy as hell if I ever had a SO. I’m very creative. Art, writing, singing… gosh I have a cute? Voice. I think it sounds cute on occasion at least. When I’m nervous I sound like it. It’s high pitched and geeky. I don’t take compliments well, I don’t often think I deserve them, and will immediately try to redirect them back towards the giver. I’m stubborn and it might take me a while to admit I’m wrong but I, SIGH, I’ll do it. I often feel like no one listens to me. Like I simply exist to please or cater to others. So I would really like to meet someone who wants to cater to me. At least a little! I made a collage with all my favorite fictional crushes over the years. It’s kind of funny seeing how much seems to like up with my taste in men. Um I’m very sleepy and I nap a lot especially when I’m sad. I’m sensitive and I cry like a baby. I lose focus easily and I have a bad memory. Often I’ll zone out and fall into my daydreams. Oh! I have a dream journal! And I love sharing when someone I know falls into my dreams. I believe in ghosts and angels and all that! I like any type of music really! I just have to vibe with it, and that can be said on most things. I’m very easily entertained and it’s rare when I don’t like something. But back to music, I like rock, pop, alt, punk, and a lil metal cause I’m still new to it. I was in choir as a kid and one time my teacher pointed out that I was hitting a wrong note and would mess everyone else up, so that made them all laugh, and then next run through I didn’t sing the note and she said it was perfect and I think that’s why I am the way I am today. Ummmmm I have an obnoxious laugh that’s very loud and I snort but I think it’s cute. And I do a lot of idle animations when standing around waiting. Overall, I’d say im cute and very loving, like a teddy bear. Oh! And if I was a Pokémon I would be Snorlax.

[yasminbenoit]

“A Romantic Partner Won’t Complete Me, Because I Was Born Complete”: How Identifying As Asexual & Aromantic Brought Me True Freedom & Happiness | Yasmin Benoit for British Vogue

There is a phase in our lives where everyone seems asexual and almost everyone seems aromantic. It wasn't until puberty kicked in that platonic relationships seemed to take a backseat. My peers stopped wanting to play together and started wanting to 'date' each other. That was when I started to realise that there was something different about me. I didn’t seem to be experiencing the same urges as those I was around. I chose to go to an all girls school in the hopes that – in the absence of boys – everyone would stop caring about sex and dating. It actually had the opposite effect. There was a sense of deprivation in the air and the heightened desire to project their sexuality onto anything and everything.  

Therefore, my lack of interest became even more obvious, and it became a not-so-fun game to work out the source of what should be troubling me, but hadn’t been until that point. Having a sexual orientation isn’t just natural, it’s essential. It’s part of being a fully-functional human being. And to be romantically love and be loved by another is the ultimate goal. It’s part of being normal, which made me both abnormal and puzzling. When your asexual, people think there’s something wrong with your body. When you’re aromantic, they think there’s something wrong with your soul. Even for a teenage girl who internalised all of Disney Channel’s “be yourself” messages, it’s never nice to have people publicly debate your supposed physical and psychological flaws.  

My nickname in school was “hollow and emotionless.” I was a joker with a decent amount of friends, but I was lacking something crucial, the kind of love that really mattered and the kind of lust that made life exciting...so I was practically Lord Voldemort with braids. I sat through the regular DIY sexuality tests, having my peers show me graphic sexual imagery, have very sexual conversations in my presence, and ask me inappropriately intimate questions to gauge how far gone I truly was. These tests lead to the development of theories, most centred around me having some kind of mental problem. After a while, you start to wonder if everyone knows something you don’t.

When they said that I must have been molested as a child and “broken” by the trauma, I wondered if I had somehow forgotten about sexual abuse that actually hadn’t happened. I looked at some of my own relatives with suspicion, the same people who would later ask me if I didn’t experience sexual attraction because I was a pedophile. It was suggested that I was “suffering” from my “issues” because I was socially anxious and insecure. The suggestion that my ‘issue’ was pathological stayed with me for a long time, but not as much as the widely accepted theory that I was mentally slow. Unfortunately, that one stuck. I was referred to as “stupid” and I started to believe that was the case. It would impact my experience in education for the next eight years, long after I realised that there was a word for what I was.

Asexual.

I first heard the word during one of the near-daily sexuality tests that I was subjected to. I was asked if I was gay, to which I said that I wasn’t interested in anybody like that – men or women. At fifteen, I was asked, “Maybe you’re asexual or something?” but it wasn’t quite a lightbulb moment. How could it be when I had never heard the word outside of biology class? After an evening of Google searching, I realised that there were many people with my exact same experience, complete strangers whose stories sounded so strangely similar to mine. I also stumbled across the word ‘aromantic,’ but at the time, I didn’t understand the need for it. "Wouldn't all asexual people be aromantic? A romantic relationship without sex is just friendship with rules,” I thought.

Either way, my discoveries showed me that I wasn’t alone, but that only half helpful. I now had an identity that no one had heard of or understood. Most didn’t believe that being asexual or aromantic was a real thing, and I doubted it to. I had been taught to after years of armchair pathologisation. If asexuality was real, why did no one tell you that being sexually attracted to nobody was an option? What if it was just an internet identity made up to comfort people with all of the issues that had been attributed to me? I didn’t have to go far down the rabbit hole to realise that asexuality, like many non-heteronormative identities, had been medicalised. What I had experienced as just the tip of the iceberg. As someone who hadn’t been prescribed drugs I didn’t need or subjected to unnecessary hormone tests, I was one of the lucky ones.

My activism would be my gateway to the community. Despite being the ugly friend at school, I ended up becoming a model while in university. I decided to use the platform I had gained through my career to raise awareness for asexuality and aromanticism. It gave me the opportunity to encounter a range of asexual and aromantic offline, it was then that I learned the significance of having an aromantic identity. There are many asexual people who still feel romantic attraction, as well as aromantic people who still feel sexual attraction. They have their own range of experiences, their own culture, their own flag, and like the asexual community, I was relieved to see that they are just normal people. These intersecting communities are not stereotypes. They weren’t just thirteen year old, pink haired kids making up identities on Tumblr to feel special. They were parents, lawyers, academics, husbands, girlfriends, artists, black, white, young, old, with differing feelings towards the many complex elements of sexuality and intimacy. Most importantly, they were happy.

I am proud to be part of both, and I know that while being asexual and aromantic, I am a complete person and I can live a perfectly fulfilling life. Since meeting members of my communities, I’ve become more open about my identities in real life, and a reaction I’m often met with is sympathy. “You must feel like you’re missing out,” “I can’t imagine being like that,” “It must be hard for your family,” “Do you worry no one will want you?” “How do you handle being so lonely?” “You’re so brave and strong,” “What will you do with your life now?” Even in 2021, a woman who isn’t romantically loved or sexually desired by their “special someone” is perceived as being afflicted with some kind of life-limiting condition.  

Asexuality doesn't make undesirable or unable to desire others. It is a unique experience of sexuality, not a deprivation from it. Even if it was, there is so much more to life than what turns us on and what we do about it. Romantic love is just one form of love, neither superior nor inferior to any other. Being aromantic doesn't mean that you can't love or be loved, it does not mean you are void of other emotions or capabilities. I am not lonely with my friends, family, co-workers and supporters. I feel confident not when someone wants to date me but when I meet my goals and form worthwhile connections with others. My success isn't determined by whether someone will want to marry me someday. What we want out of life is our decision alone, our sources of happiness should not be defined by our ever-changing, culturally relative social standards. The love of a romantic partner won't complete me because I was born complete. Feeling sexual attraction to others won't liberate me because my liberation is not dependent on other people.

Valentine's Day is on the horizon. It's an occasion that amps up the focus on (and the pressure to achieve) a very specific type of love and sexual expression, one that is actually alienating for people inside and outside of the asexual community. During a pandemic where many relationships have been strained, tested, formed or distanced, it's important to keep the diversity of romantic and sexual feelings in mind. Many expect me to feel annoyed or lonely during this time of year, but I actually feel empowered and excited by the way sex, romance and love are discussed more deeply around this time. These conversations are constantly expanding to become more inclusive for everyone, and that's what we need to see all year round.

https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/asexuality-and-aromanticism

[mischiefandi]

✨Event Announcement !!✨

Hi everyone <33

SO i told yall i was planning something new for my blog and i actually got this idea not too long ago. I’ve got a new bi-weekly event in the works: let me explain !

✨Musical Monday✨

The concept behind this is fairly simple, i’ll explain below the cut !

Every other Wednesday, I’ll post a little something to remind you that Musical Monday is in the works for the following week. You can then send in either 

-an album you enjoy by any artist 

-or a spotify playlist (that you created or that someone else created (with credits pls!))

and

-a book/show/movie who’s characters you want me to pair the songs with

my job is to then assign the characters from these shows/movies/books to the songs in said playlist/album.

!! (you can specify who you definitely want to see in the list if you’d like but it’s not necessary) !!

Every other Monday (meaning every fortnight), I’ll be posting the characters with the songs as well as a piece of writing underneath explaining why I thought they matched the song. 

The whole point of this is to discover new music, hopefully give you my own recommendations as well, and also just to have fun and spread some love for these characters. I also genuinely adore analysing characters and digging deeper into their story arcs so this’ll be the perfect opportunity for me to share my thoughts with you and hear your own!

✨What shows/movies/books can I request?✨

you can request just about anything however I obviously haven’t watched every show or movie on the planet and I have definitely not read that many books so here are a few ideas to get you all started if you’re at all interested:

anything MCU, Teen Wolf, Sex Education, Gossip Girl, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Glee, Sherlock, any Choices book, the Haunting of Bly Manor, the Haunting of Hill House, the Office, Bridgerton, Harry Potter, the Hunger Games, the Maze Runner, Shameless, the Goonies, Outer Banks, the Society, Derry Girls, American Horror Story (1-7), Grey’s Anatomy, the 100, Star Wars, Fleabag, Little Women, Disney movies, Barbie movies, Narnia, and many many more

if there’s anything else in mind that’s not on this list, that’s 100% ok, you can definitely still send it in. if i haven’t seen/read it and don’t plan on doing so, i’ll just say so (respectfully ofc), or i’ll add it to the list of stuff i have to watch!

✨What type of music can I request?✨

I’m a big fan of indie rock, alt-rock, hard rock, pop, soul, 70s music, honestly you can send in just about anything, I’m always down to listen to new stuff and I’ll mostly be focusing on the lyrics anyway! 

✨Can I request a show/movie/book if it’s been requested before already?✨

honestly there’s hundreds of combinations you could send in. Someone could send in a request for Derry Girls x a specific Harry Styles album, and two months later someone else could request Derry Girls x a David Bowie album, or request How I Met Your Mother x another Harry Styles album. There’s little to no chance you’ll request exactly the same thing as someone else so please don’t hesitate to send in your asks! 

✨Themes?✨

it wouldn’t truly be a mischiefandi event if themes weren’t involved of course! when it comes to seasons, holidays and international days like Valentine’s, Christmas, Halloween, New Year’s Eve, Summer, Spring, Winter, Autumn, or other random prompts, I’ll tell you on the Wednesdays before Musical Monday, notifying you that it’s a special edition (along with additional guidelines if there are any). 

✨Dos and Don’ts✨

do make sure to send in A) a playlist or album + B) a show, or movie, or book (remember: A+B!). I expect I’ll get quite a few requests over the next few months and I won’t have time to go and ask you for more info privately, so please send in both or I’ll have to delete your request.

do be patient with me! if you sent in a request a few months ago, chances are I’m still working on it or you’re on the list and I’m getting to you :)

do send in multiple requests if you want to! i genuinely will be super happy to add them to the list!

don’t harass me with the exact same requests over and over again please haha. Like I said, chances are you’re already on the list and it’s really easy to see when a specific anon keeps sending the same asks so pls don’t. 

don’t be rude to other people if they don’t necessarily agree with your point of view about a specific character description. this is all meant to be fun and light-hearted. debating and discussing these characters is 100% encouraged as long as it’s constructive, polite, and civilised. any unnecessary rudeness or hate will be deleted immediately.

don’t make fun of people for the characters or books/movies/shows they like. if on one specific Musical Monday you see the post is about a show you’re not a big fan of, just scroll. let people enjoy things!

don’t hesitate to ask me any questions that you might have about Musical Monday. anon is always on for my shy peeps out there and i’m more than happy to give you more clarification if needed!

✨How do I get notified when Musical Monday happens?✨

i’ve updated my taglist google form so please click here and fill in the Musical Monday taglist box if you would like to be tagged every other Wednesday as a reminder for the next Musical Monday, and every Musical Monday of course. 

You don’t have to be on my writing taglists to participate in this and you definitely don’t have to be on the Musical Monday taglist in order to send in a request. Anyone can join at any time, the taglist is only for the people that want to make sure they don’t miss a Musical Monday. 

Again, if you have any questions about this game, my inbox is open <3

I am super excited about this project and I’ve been mulling it over for a little while now. Hopefully this is something that you guys will enjoy and want to participate it. I know a lot of you enjoyed the musical blurbs i did in November (still have a ton to do btw), so I thought that this could be fun also! My hope for this game is that it’ll create dialogue about these characters that we love so much and I’m so excited to hear your guys’ thoughts and recommendations!!

Love you all and hope you’re all having a lovely February

✨When will the first Musical Monday go down?✨

this Monday! exceptionally it’s on short notice, but for future reference, you’ll have a whole week to send in your requests no so worries! Please send in any requests you have for this Monday though!!

the theme for this Monday (15/02/21) is Valentine’s Day of course so my descriptions will be love-related but if you have any requests for stuff that has nothing to do with love, that’s more than fine, I’ll be adding them to the list for the upcoming Musical Mondays!

✨Tagging everyone in my taglists just this once + some mutuals to spread the word✨

@stiles-o-dylan24 @duskholland @mersuperwholocked-lowlife @r0s3mm @redstringlovers @captainbuckyyy12 @soincredible @behind-my-hazeleyes27 @cheesecakes-randomshitz @traveleraroundsworld @alwaysforever73 @thelittlestkitsune@glaimtruelovealways @texaskitten30 @abitofeverythinggg @alwaysforever73 @hcomet28 @thegirlwhoimagined @cherriesanwine @decaffeinated--fangirl @shutupstyless @x-give-em-hell-kid-x @teen--marvel @soincredible @behind-my-hazeleyes27 @bibliophilewednesday @jazminebrightxx @cheesecakes-randomshitz @traveleraroundsworld @perrytheplatypus11 @stixnstripesworld @masterofbluff @drakewalker04 @superapplepie @apatheticanvas67482 @theamazingtomholland @earthlyholland @siriusly-harry @solstilla @mrscutiefandobhaz @mrs-mitch-rapp93 @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @isaiahjesus -> it’d mean the world to me if you could signal boost this to spread the word, but if you’d rather not interact, that’s totally okay! don’t worry! you won’t be tagged anymore unless you’ve added yourself to the Musical Monday taglist here. 

thank you and see you on Monday 15/02/21 at 8 pm CET (= UTC+1)  /  7 pm GMT (= UTC)  /  2 pm EST (= UTC-5)  /  11 am PST (= UTC-8)

[twomoonstwosuns]

valentine’s day.

back to you [series masterlist]

previous part · next part

pairing: professor!poe dameron x reader

warnings: swearing, pure sweet cheesy af fluff for literally the entire thing

word count: 4.8k lol oops

a/n: eee, here it is! i really hope this lives up to expectations because i really agonized over trying to make this perfect. feedback would be so greatly appreciated.

also shout-out to @myrandom-fandomlife for giving me the help to kickstart my brain and get this written <3

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You felt lighter than you had in weeks.

The semester was going well. Graduation was just a few months away. Your sister Tallie announced she was pregnant, her baby coming in the fall. The only thing that had the potential to turn your mood was Poe, but even that had been going well.

You talked more. You hadn’t been over to his place since he bent you over his table the previous week, but you were talking to him nearly everyday. You texted often and stayed up way too late talking to him. You were enjoying it, but you knew you had to be cautious as you fell deeper into attachment.

With Valentine’s Day just a few days away, you began to wonder if you’d be spending it with Poe. You weren’t together, much to your chagrin for fear of putting your heart on the line and being turned down, but people had sex on Valentine’s Day. Maybe you’d at least get that. You tried not to dwell on it too much, but Poe made it increasingly difficult to not think about it…or him. He had spent the majority of the day sending you the most ridiculous pick-up lines, having heard one that morning at his favorite coffee shop that made him cringe with how bad it was. Whether it was a joke or not, he didn’t know, but he found the most ridiculous ones on the Internet and sent them to you, if anything just to brighten your day and make you laugh.

You had just dropped a book off at the library and were heading towards the university center to meet up with your roommates when a car flashed its brights at you. You stopped when they did it again and it took you a minute to realize it was Poe’s car. You made your way over, hearing the soft whir of his window going down.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?” you asked as you leaned in, the warmth from the car’s heater fanning your face. “I thought you had that mixer thing tonight?”

“I’m on my way, I just had to grab something from my office. Then I saw you and just wanted to say hi.”

You could just see him, the cover of darkness providing the perfect shield for your meeting. The smell of his cologne filled the car and you realized it was different but just as distinctive than the one he wore everyday. You narrowed your eyes when you noticed the tension in his shoulders.

“You don’t want to go, do you?”

“Not really.” He admitted with a humorless laugh.

“Could you skip it? I can’t imagine sucking up to department heads is very fun.”

“It’s not, and as much as I want to, I can’t. Snoke’s retiring and they’re looking to find his replacement before the fall semester. There are a lot of people that will be there that I have to impress if I want to be considered.”

“Do you want to be considered?”

Poe nodded, the knot of nerves in his stomach tightening. “It’s just a rumor right now, but word is that President Organa’s already got a small list of people she’s considering to replace him and I’m on it.”

You gaped, a smile forming on your face.

“Poe, that’s amazing. They’d be stupid not to pick you.” You placed your hand on this shoulder. “You have to get going and I have a move to catch, so neither of us have time to listen to me tell you all the reasons why you’d be the best option, but just know you are. And although I may be a little biased, I’m also usually right.”

Poe smiled appreciatively, the support making him feel a little more ready. Of course he’d talked to his dad and his close friends about it, receiving the same encouragement, but it meant so much coming from you.

“So, what’d you think of the pick-up lines I sent you?” He asked, changing the subject. You giggled.

“I thought they were great but my roommates think you can do better, so we spent an hour after class googling pick-up lines,” you explained, making Poe chuckle warmly. “I’m definitely going to blame you for not getting anything done the rest of the week.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“I did actually like some of them. They were cheesy as hell, but some of them were pretty cute. And the dirty ones were good too.”

“I have one more if you want to hear it.” You nodded enthusiastically. “Do you have any raisins?”

“Did you just say raisins?” you asked incredulously. Poe gave you a pointed look that told you to just answer the question. “Ok fine, um…no?”

“Then how ‘bout a date?”

You threw your head back and barked out a laugh. “That’s a good one. Very smooth.”

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“How about a date? Saturday night?”

You froze, unsure if you heard him right, but the way he was observing you with hope told you that you heard every word correct. You couldn’t help the smile that grew bigger with each second you took to process Poe’s words.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I’ll go on a date with you.” you repeated with a grin, your smile disappearing when you felt your phone buzzing incessantly in your pocket. With five minutes until the movie started, you knew it was your roommates wondering where you were. You glanced at the clock. “I have to get going and so do you. Try not to die of boredom.”

“I’ll text you.”

“You better.”

You took two steps away from Poe’s car when you decided to turn back. You knocked on the window, giving Poe an apologetic smile when he jumped in surprise. The window rolled down once again and you leaned in to press a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“I can’t wait,” you said softly, taking a few steps back as your cheeks heated up. The way he was smiling at you was turning your insides to mush. “Good luck tonight.”

Poe’s soft gaze stayed on you until he couldn’t see you anymore. If he had room to punch in the air in victory, he would have. Meanwhile, you felt like you were sixteen again, like the boy you had a crush on for months asked you to the big dance. The smile stayed on your face for the entire movie, while the one on Poe’s face lingered for throughout the party.

》 》 》

Dress warm. I’ll pick you up at 8.

Nervous was an understatement. You paced in the lobby of your apartment building, your hands practically sweating through your gloves.

If this date didn’t go well, that would be it for the two of you.

“Stop psyching yourself out,” Jessika had told you just moments before. “You guys already have this amazing connection, it’s gonna take something short of admitting to a murder for this not to go well.”

She was right, of course, but this wasn’t just any guy. This was Poe, someone you’d come to care for greatly in the last few months.

It had to go well.

Poe pulled up at exactly 8 o’clock and you snuck into his car, speeding off before anyone could see, like an undercover mission. “So, where are we going?”

“You’ll see. It’s not too far from here.”

You narrowed your eyes and studied Poe, looking for any clues in his facial expression that could somehow spill where you were going. He kept his face neutral, a small hint of a smile on his face. “Mysterious. Ok. How’d the mixer go the other night?”

“Good. Not to sound conceited but I think President Organa likes me.”

“Of course she does.”

Poe winked and you rolled your eyes with an amused smirk on your face. The soft music in the car filled the silence, neither of you quite knowing what to say. You wrung your hands in your lap as nervous butterflies flapped around in your stomach.

“You seem nervous.” Poe said, his hand coming off of the steering wheel and covering yours in comfort. You immediately stopped fidgeting.

“Is it weird that I am?” You asked.

“No. I am too.”

Your confession gave him a boost of confidence. He felt he had gone the extra mile to make this night special, to show his true intentions of what he wanted out of this. He hoped you’d see it and want it as much as he did. Knowing you were just as nervous as he was showed you cared about this going well just as much as he did.

He pulled his hand away to steer his car into a parking spot. His was the only car in the lot, not that it was surprising. Cold and dark winter nights didn’t exactly bring a lot of people out to wander around a park for fun. Poe opened his door, but your hand on his arm stopped him. “I’m nervous, but I’m really happy we’re doing this.”

He gave you an easy half smile, the one that made him so effortlessly striking.

“Me too,” he said, covering your hand with his. “Come on.”

You got out of his car and finally realized you were at Canto Park. It was unrecognizable at first due to the darkness of the night and the lack of people, but you recognized the streetlights that lit up the walkways when you got a closer look. Poe handed something to you and it took a minute in the dark to see that they were a pair of skates.

“We’re skating?” you asked in surprise, completely caught off-guard. You were expecting dinner and a movie at his apartment, the options for doing anything together extremely limited. “This is not going to end well, just so you know.”

“You’ll be fine,” Poe assured you. “Have you ever rollerbladed?”

“When I was like thirteen.”

“Then this’ll be fun. I’ll help you.” You couldn’t help but become a little anxious. The chance of you making a fool out of yourself was very high.

The park was eerily quiet but peaceful, the only sound crunching underneath your feet. The man-made ice rink was lit up with bright lights that nearly blinded you with its sharp contrast to the inky black sky.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to be here,” you said with a smirk as you sat down on the bench next to the ice rink. “I’m pretty sure the park closes when it gets dark.”

“Better be prepared to run if we get caught then.”

“I’m flattered you think I’ll be able to skate, let alone run in skates.”

Poe finished tying up his skates and as you tied up your left one, he scooted closer to you and brought your right foot into his lap.

“What’re you doing?” you asked.

“Making sure you tied them right,” he winked. You gave him a dry, sarcastic laugh as he grabbed the foot you had just finished with. With his seal of approval, Poe helped you up and over to the ice. You gripped the wall until you were sure you had your balance. Like riding a bike, the familiar movement of gliding came back, although you wobbled like a newborn colt with fresh legs because it had been nearly ten years since you did anything like this. Poe did a lap around the rink as you glared at him.

“Show-off!” you called after him, hearing him laugh from the other side of the rink. “Let me guess, you played hockey?”

“Only for fun.” Poe answered, slowing down as he approached you. “I was more into music than sports in high school. I was in a band, though.”

“College professor by day, rock star by night? It’s like modern day Indiana Jones. What kind of music did you play?”

Poe smirked at the reference. “Rock, pop, alternative, whatever you want to call it. We called ourselves The Resistance. It’s how I met my friends Finn and Rey. Still best friends to this day.”

“Do you guys still play?”

“Individually maybe, but together no, we left that back in high school. We had a demo of songs that somehow got into the hands of someone over at Skywalker Records, but we weren’t interested.”

“You didn’t want to be a rock star?”

“Sure I did, but I had other things I wanted to do more. Finn and Rey did too.”

“The Air Force?” Poe gave you a curious look. “The tattoo on your back. I recognize the symbol.”

“My dad was in the Air Force. I got the tattoo for him. I almost enrolled right out of high school, but then my dad got sick.” You gave him a sympathetic look. “He’s fine now, but instead of enlisting I went to college and I worked to be able to stay home and help him out.”

“You guys are close.” You observed.

“Very.” He wanted to tell you why, but didn’t want to bring the mood down anymore with the story of his mother. “What about you? Sports, music?”

You told him how you played soccer as a kid through an amateur league in your hometown. You played up until high school, making the varsity team your freshman year but taken out of the game indefinitely during your first game from a severe knee injury. You told him while you loved music, you participated in choir during high school not because you could sing, but so you could hang out with your friends.

While the conversation was entertaining, you stumbling around on the ice was not.  Poe thought it was though, as he tried walking you through it step by step, giving you tips on how to keep your balance by focusing on one spot in the distance and not moving your eyes from it. Of course your mind chose Poe to focus on, but every little movement he made, especially when he was close to you, grabbed your attention, which made you unable to concentrate. You were having fun even though you were slightly embarrassed about your lack of coordination. You’d miraculously had not fallen, but you bumped into the wall and crashed into it whenever you had to stop yourself.

“Ok, new idea. Let’s try one more thing.” Poe said, turning so he was facing you. He grabbed your hands to make sure you were steady before moving backwards, pulling you with him. “Don’t look down, eyes on me. Now talk about something.”

“Like what?” You were finding it extremely difficult to focus on anything at all except your hands in Poe’s and the impending doom of rolling your ankle at any second.  

“Anything.” He said, turning so he was facing you and skating backwards. “Tell me something not a lot of people know.”

You hummed as you thought about his question. “I seriously considered going to school for photography.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Same reason you’re not a famous musician. I had other dreams and it’s a hard industry to make a career in. It’s probably better as a hobby anyway, I can’t get mad when something doesn’t go right because I’m not under any obligation to be successful.”

“What do you photograph?”

“Anything. I’ve done some senior pictures over the past few summers when I’ve been home. I’ve done some engagement photos, pregnancy announcements. I like to think I’m really good at those black and white hipster photographs of nature and stuff.”

“You’ll have to show me sometime.”

“I always keep my portfolio with me, just in case. I’ll bring it by next time.”

Next time.The promise of a second date. Poe smiled down at you and then looked over your shoulder with a soft chuckle.

“What?” You followed his gaze and your jaw dropped. You had skated from one end of the rink to the other without almost falling.  “Oh my god, I made it!” You laughed happily. Poe smiled at your excitement.

“I told you you’d be fine.”

You were practically bouncing in excitement. You pushed forward, gaining speed and catching up with Poe when you suddenly fell onto your butt when your skate hit a loose chunk of ice.

“Damn it, I was doing so well!”  You exclaimed, holding your arms out in front of you. “Help me up?”

Poe pulled you up with ease, gripping your forearms when you nearly slipped again.

“You good?”

You nodded with breathless laugh, your eyes meeting his. The sudden urge to kiss him consumed you and you glanced down at his lips. Poe did the same, the air surrounding you standing so close becoming thick. Your feet suddenly came out from underneath you and you ended up on the ice with a hard thump. Poe laughed loudly and you couldn’t help but laugh with him at your clumsiness.

“Ok, I think that’s enough skating for you.” Poe said, holding out his hand. You lay back onto the ice with your eyes closed, arms out on either side of you in defeat.

“Nope, I’m done, not moving. I’ll die here.”

Poe grabbed your arms, hauling you up before crouching down to the ice, urging you to get on his back. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride back.”

You hesitated a second before wrapping your arms around his neck. He gripped the back of your thighs tightly as he picked up speed, taking a quick detour to do a lap before taking you back to the bench. You squealed in delight at his sudden burst of speed, the wind whipping your hair. You held on tightly, not letting go until you were being lowered onto the bench. Before you could start unlacing your skates, Poe was doing it for you, being gentle as he slid the skates off in case you hurt your ankle.

“If photography doesn’t work out, I don’t recommend skating as a back-up plan.” Poe teased, and you shoved his chest playfully as you grabbed your boots. You handed Poe his and then the skates, but he pushed them back towards you. “Keep them for next time.”

“You’re going to make me do that again?!”

Poe took your hand and you walked back towards his car, both taking it slow as your legs were exhausted.

“You’ll be a pro by the time I’m done with you.”

You sincerely doubted that, but didn’t want to tell Poe it’d be useless after seeing him so excited to try and teach you. It’s not like you wouldn’t mind trying again if it meant spending more time with Poe.

From relearning how to skate to the conversation, time had flown by and it was nearing ten o’clock. As he drove, you couldn’t help but hope your date wasn’t over despite it getting late. When he took the familiar route to his apartment, you were ecstatic.

He led you inside, itching to grab your hand but knowing there were too many possibilities of someone seeing it. Whether or not they went to school or knew he was a professor and you a student, the night was going too well to risk it. When Poe unlocked his apartment door, your jaw dropped.

The lights to inside were dimmed. A bouquet of roses sat in the middle of the wooden table that had been used not so innocently just last week, with a bottle of wine and two glasses. You scoffed in disbelief as he led you in.

“Wow,” you breathed, still taken aback. “Is this what you did all day?”

“Yeah. I cooked too, if you’re hungry. It just needs to be warmed up.”

You were speechless. Poe had really gone all out. You were secretly happy he had been the one to ask you out and not the other way around, as there was no way you could’ve come up with something to rival what he came up with in a few days. While he dealt with the food, you begged him for something to do to help him out. He insisted he had it but had you open up the bottle of wine.

“Where’s Beebs tonight?” you asked as you twisted the wine opener into the cork, looking around the apartment and not seeing him or any of his toys lying around.

“He’s at a friend’s house.” You glanced up at Poe, giving him a weird look. “No seriously, he’s down the hall at my neighbor Mr. Frick’s. He has a dog named Zorii that Beebs likes to play with. He lives alone, so I think he likes having two dogs to keep him company.”

“Have you done that every time I’ve come over?”

“Sometimes. Other times I usually put him in the guest room when people are here. I love him to death, but he’s nosy. He just gets so excited when people are over and not all of them like him jumping up on them. Not to mention I didn’t want him worried about the noises you were making.”

You understood, having had a dog growing up that had to be kept in a room when you had birthday parties and sleepovers. You were also surprised at how hyper-focused you must’ve been to get Poe naked that you didn’t realize that Beebs hadn’t really been around whenever you were there. You made a mental note to pick up something special for Beebs for being so tolerant of you and Poe’s frequent activities.

You handed Poe a glass, gently clinking yours against his before taking a sip. You noticed he had also lit some candles, adding to the romantic ambiance of his apartment.

“I keep meaning to ask you,” you said as you walked over to a cabinet that held a record player that had caught your eye many times before. “Does this work or is it just for show?”

You waited for an answer, but instead Poe walked over to you, reaching over your shoulder to grab a record. He practically boxed you in, the close proximity of him brushing up against you making you buzz excitedly. He grabbed a record and soon enough the slow strums of an acoustic guitar filled his apartment. Between the flickering candles and the smell of delicious food was filling the apartment, you were in awe.

“Dance with me?”

You set your wine glass down, your heart thundering in your chest. You knew Poe was sweet, but this was turning into the kind of date you thought only existed in movies. You were absolutely swooning and it was only the first date. You’d never been romanced this hard by anyone you dated. You took his outstretched hand and he pulled you into him. The position was familiar, you’d been in this exact stance with him many times, but his touch was soft, not lustful, like he was holding something truly precious. His hand was on your waist, the other holding your hand between your chests, holding you close. Any chill that lingered from your outdoor adventure was long gone. You were warm with adoration.

“What’re you thinking about?” Poe asked softly, bringing your attention back to him.

“The music, the candles, the dancing…it’s all so romantic.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“Not at all.” You swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous again. “I just really thought I missed my chance for this.”

Poe pulled back just enough to give you a questioning look.  

“I wanted to ask you out last weekwhen you told me about your date,” you confessed, and Poe felt his chest tighten with a little bit of guilt. It read on his face and you shook your head. “Don’t. I should’ve told you not to go, or to go out with me instead, but I chickened out. My feelings have been all over the place the last few weeks and after that night I cried on your couch…”

“Yeah, me too.” He didn’t need to elaborate. You knew he felt the dynamic change that night as well. “Since we’re being honest, I only agreed to that date to try and forget how much I was thinking about you. This whole arrangement we have—“

“Not really working for me anymore,” you interrupted, Poe nodding his head in agreement. “But this? This is what I want. Even if I come out of this with a bruised ass.”

“I could say something about bruises on your ass, but we’re having a nice moment.”

Your shoulders shook with quiet laughter, your head dropping down onto Poe’s chest. He hugged you to him once again, his cheek resting against your head.

“Did you have fun tonight?” Poe asked, his tone suddenly unsure. You looked up at him concernedly. “Even though you fell a bunch of times?”

You went to answer him, but he kept talking.

“I know we don’t have a lot of options for dates because we’re technically not allowed to date, but—“

You put your free hand on his cheek, silencing him and bringing his attention down to you.

“This was the best first date I’ve ever been on,” you assured him and he smiled softly as your thumbs gently ran over his cheeks. “And it’s ok if we don’t have options. We’ll make it work. I just want to be with you.”

Poe let go of your hand, allowing his to fall at your waist. His eyes searched yours, brown eyes sparkling with warmth from the candles looking for any hint that you didn’t mean it. He found none and you stood up on your tiptoes, guiding yourself to him with the hand on his cheek, meeting his lips at the same time as he met yours.

He’d never kissed you like this before. Your lips molded together perfectly, already familiar with one another, but it was soft and light with nothing behind it except being in the moment. It took your breath away. You pulled away at the same time and it took you a minute for you to open your eyes.

The beeping of the oven pulled you apart. You reluctantly let go of Poe, grabbing your wine glass while Poe dished up the food. He suggested eating on the couch instead and your achy muscles couldn’t have agreed more. You made yourself comfortable on his couch as Poe ran to get Beebs before it got much later, both of you having severely lost track of the time. Although the dog was happy to see you again, he ran right into Poe’s room to sleep, tuckered out from a night of playing with another dog.

It didn’t surprise you that Poe was a decent cook and you made sure to let him know as you ate. How he managed to plan everything from the date to the food, you had no idea.

“You said earlier that you and Finn and Rey might still play individually. Do you?”

Poe shrugged. “Occasionally. I find myself mostly playing when I get really stressed. It’s relaxing.”

“Do you play for Beebs?”

“No, but he’ll sometimes lay next to me while I play, so I guess maybe a little bit.”

“Will you play for me?”

“Someday.” Poe was already thinking through all the different songs he could sing to you.

“So you skate, you cook, supposedly sing, and dance. What can’t you do?”

“Water ski.” Poe answered and you gasped theatrically, which turned into a loud laugh. “I’m serious! I’ve never been able to stand up.”

“I’ll teach you. It won’t hurt as bad as ice skating.”

Poe moved the dishes onto the coffee table, bringing your legs into his lap.

“Will you stay tonight?” Poe asked, giving your leg a squeeze. “No sex on the first date, I promise. We’ll do this right. There have been too many times I’ve wanted you to stay but didn’t ask you. But if you don’t want to, I’ll take you home.”

“I want to stay.”

You and Poe, on his couch, found yourself in the same position you were in a few weeks prior, except sadness and anger were replaced with adoration and bliss and neither of you were holding anything back. You stayed up until the early hours of the morning, just talking. With how much you knew about each other, it felt more like a sixth date than a first date. It was truly amazing how smooth the this transition was, from just sex to dating.

Like you were meant to be doing it all along.

tag list [open!] - @ah-callie @darksideofclarke @gloomygoregirl @leilei-draws @imaginecrushes @i-ievu @brianamaree @yeeintensifies @spider-starry @krazykatkay456 @fanfiction-trashpile @afootnoteinyourhappiness @easterncryptid @my-child-gaara @myrandom-fandomlife @onebatch--twobatch

[camryndaytona]

Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare is one of the most popular and successful young adult authors of today, however, a huge percentage of her fans have no idea of her past where she was know more for her bullying than her writing. I started this as a post on my “You Should Know” instagram, but eventually it got way too big and I had to create a post for it as well.

Terms to Know

Big Name Fan

Or “BNF” is an old term mostly used during the early 2000s, before ff.net or AO3.

They were the biggest names in fandom, producing the most popular art or fanfics.

Getting on the wrong side of a BNF could lock you out from the entire fandom, as you would be blocked from any forum they (or they friends) moderated.

The Inner Circle

In the early 2000s the Harry Potter fandom was essentially ruled by the Inner Circle. 

Although most of the Inner Circle changed constantly due to fandom drama and scandals, one member stayed for almost it’s entire duration: Cassie Claire

ff.net

Fanfiction.net

One of the early and most popular sites for hosting fanfiction.

The Draco Trilogy

Draco Dormiens

Author’s Summary: When an accident in Potions class turns Harry into Draco and Draco into Harry, each is trapped playing the part of the other. Romance, mistaken identities, Really Cunning Plans, evil bake sales, a love triangle, and snogs galore.

Draco Sinister

Author’s Summary: When Hermione is kidnapped, Harry and Draco must team up to rescue her from a thousand-year-old evil that threatens the entire wizarding world. Cursed demon swords, love potions, time travel, dementors, flying dragons, Draco wears leather, and everybody dies at least once. Except when they don’t.

It is notable for being the source of the Draco in Leather Pants trope as well as the catalyst for the Cassandra Claire plagiarism wank.

Draco Veritas

Author’s Summary: The sequel to Draco Sinister, featuring winter at Hogwarts, snogging, Quidditch, mysterious things and Rhysenn Malfoy.

Why was the Trilogy so popular?

As most people in fandom probably know, there’s usually two subsets of shippers: gay and straight (please note that, back in the early 2000s, there was still a lot of homophobia, and the heterosexual ships were undeniably more popular for that reason).

Since The Draco Trilogy had both Draco/Hermione and a lot of Harry/Draco subtext, fans of both ships flocked to the fic.

The Plagiarism 

Although she’d done it all along, it wasn’t until the second fanfic, Draco Sinister, that fans began to catch on. What was “it?”

Cassie including a lot of quotations from other work. And I mean a LOT. She lifted entire conversations and paragraphs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Black Adder, Red Dwarf, and Terry Pratchett. At first she didn’t even mention this “inspiration,” so everyone assumed that this wit was all hers.

Once she was called out, she put a standard disclaimer at the top of her work, which was worded to imply that she might have borrowed a few, small quotes here and there, not that she was taking paragraphs and scenes. When she was called out for her continued plagiarism she switched to claiming that she “forgot” what her sources were.

Finally a former fan called Avocado got tired of it and reported her to ff.net. Within a day her works were taken down.

Predictably the fandom melted down over this and accusations began to fly. Cassie used her status as a BNF to ban anyone mildly critical of her from any message board or mailing list. A friend of Cassie’s claimed to be a real life lawyer and harrassed young fans with seemingly legal threats. There are even threats of people calling the police in an early form of “swatting.” Cassie tried to get a “hater” kicked out of university for “hacking” her and a REAL lawyer had to be involved before Cassie admitting to making it all up.

After all that began to die down, as she was working on the third installment of the trilogy, Cassie began accusing her friend and fellow BNF, Aja, of plagiarizing her. When that failed to incite the anger she wanted against Aja, Cassie began to claim that Aja was posting leaked spoilers for the Draco Trilogy. This infighting between the two lead to the collapse of The Inner Circle.

Laptop Gate

Although the third part of the Trilogy wasn’t as popular as the first two, due to the plagiarism scandal, it still racked up a ton of views when she began posting it. So when there was a potential threat to the continuation of the saga, readers were horrified.

This potential threat was a break in and the loss of Cassie’s computer.

Almost immediately after the robbery was announced Cassie’s lawyer friend (who was also her roommate) popped up again. This time, they were raising money to replace the laptops of Cassie and her roommates that had been stolen in the break in. Any extra money from the fundraiser would go to some vaguely mentioned charity.

Divisive comments poured in.

Some people expressed frustration that more “meaningful” fundraisers (like someone who had lost everything in a fire) didn’t get anywhere near as much attention and support.

Fans were even less happy when no proof was provided of either the break in or the charitable donation of excess funds (which was reported to be over $10,000).

When called out they changed the subject and posted links to another fan that was also fundraising (although they never posted any charity before or after, even when asked to do so the lawyer friend claimed to be “too busy” to share a link).

Published Works

After enjoying her celebrity as the Queen of Fanfiction, it’s no surprise that Cassie decided to venture into actual, original published works.

Except they weren’t that original, because it’s Cassie and she really, really seems to like “borrowing” from herself and others.

Let’s start with some name changes

Cassie

Cassandra Claire (with an i) is her fanfiction name

Cassandra Clare (without an i) is her published name

You may be surprised by how well this name change suited her. For a long time, before exposes began to be posted, you could google her published name without finding out about her history in fandom. Additionally, some of her victims from her fanfic days read her published books without realizing who the author actually was (until they started to recognize the quotes and paragraphs that she’d lifted straight from her fanfiction)

Her Writing

“Mortal Instruments” is Cassie’s Ginny/Ron incest romance fanfiction.

“The Mortal Instruments” is Cassie’s published work, about two fake siblings who fall in love with each other.

Similarities to Harry Potter

Now I haven’t read Mortal Instruments or The Mortal Instruments so I’ll let someone who has read them both do some explaining:

When I opened the book, I knew that Clary was Ginny. Alec was Harry. Isabelle was Clare’s version of Blaise (who back then was not officially male or female, and could therefore be interpreted by fandom either way). Valentine was a strange mixture of Lucius and Voldemort. And Jace, of course, was undeniably Draco.

Jace is so Draco, in fact, that it’s impossible to see him as his own character. The way Clare characterizes Jace is the exact same way she characterized her Draco. They share lines (the ones she didn’t steal from Buffy, of course), they share nervous tics, they share appearances, and they even share memories. The second I read the scene in which Jace tells Clary the story about the boy and the falcon, I felt an unpleasant jolt of recognition: that story is one Draco tells in one of the Draco Trilogy installments. I couldn’t remember which one. I couldn’t even remember who Draco told it to (Harry? Ginny? Hermione?). But I knew it was if not word for word taken from her fanfiction, it was very, very close.

Yikes. That’s a lot of similarities.

The same person I quoted about went on to say that the fanfiction was still much better than her published work, and that she’d rather re-read the fanfic than the non-fanfic.

Sherrilyn Kenyon and Dark Hunters

Almost immediately after The Mortal Instruments (the non-fanfic one) became popular, Sherrilyn Kenyon slapped it with a lawsuit for copying her urban fantasy series, Dark Hunters.

Kenyon fans attacked Claire fans, Cassie’s history was brought to light, and Cassie got to pull out her favorite argument “you hate me because I’m Jewish.” Which is interesting, because I’ve been working on this for two weeks, and I only just learned that she’s Jewish when I read about her accusing others of anti-Semitism.

Now as Cassie apologists will tell you, Kenyon did ultimately lose that suit, but it’s really, really starting to get repetitive over here.

I’ll borrow a quote from Ryan Givens, “If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you’re the asshole.” Or in this case, maybe you’re the plagiarist.

Common Questions

Has Cassie apologized for this?

She did occasionally

Has Cassie changed?

My opinion is no. She’s not.

Let’s see, as the “Queen of YA Literature” she has:

used Copy Right strikes to prevent people from calling out problematic passages in her books

sent her fans after critics

posted a hilariously ironic blog about cyber bullying

attacked her OWN FANS because they didn’t like the ending of a book

currently complains about people posting her real name (which is Judith Rumelt, in case you wanted to know) despite her own history of publishing people’s actual phone numbers online

Calls critics anti-Semetic while having this quote in her book

Claims that she was threatened when someone called her friend an “ignorant duck” 

Loves Token Minorities

Wrote a questionable almost rape

My Thoughts

I don’t like Cassie.

I really don’t.

And look, I’m not saying that Cassie is a narcissist, but here’s a fun little saying called The Narcissist’s Prayer:

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did… You deserved it.

Does any of that sound familiar, because it should. It’s basically Cassie’s text book responce of “avoid admitting fault until there’s too much proof, say I didn’t do it on purpose, blame someone else, claim to be the victim, find another person to accuse of drama.”

Now I’m going to again quote from ProblematicYA because I absolutely love their writing. In this quote, they’re talking about how all of Cassie’s books, even those set in different times or cities, follow the same pattern. Non-Shadowhunter meets Shadowhunter (who is basically Draco).

So what’s really my problem? My problem is the fact that Cassandra Clare is a marginally talented writer who has one story and one cast of characters up her sleeve, and yet somehow she’s sold millions and millions of books based on this. My problem is the fact that Cassandra Clare’s Mortal Instruments series was partially copied from her fanfiction trilogy, which copied a plethora of other authors, not even including J.K. Rowling, who provided her with the characters, premise, and setting for her beloved trilogy. My problem is the fact that Cassandra Clare is in the authorly equivalent of a time loop, and has come full circle. My problem is the fact that Cassandra Clare is, in essence, writing fanfiction of her own work, and it is getting published and she is getting paid bank for it, when other far more original and talented authors are getting absolutely nothing for their hard work. I may despise Stephenie Meyer and the world she’s created, but at least Twilight and its accompanying works are her own original product; at least she deserves to reap the benefits of the crazy fandom she’s inspired.

Look. I don’t believe in dredging up ancient history just to hurt people. Shit we did when we were teens shouldn’t be held against us as adults. People grow and change a lot from what they were as teens.

But bitch, you actually have to GROW AND CHANGE. And Cassie hasn’t.

Also, try actually apologizing for what you’ve done instead of silencing critics.

Sources and More Information

As always, I love, love, love fanlore and I linked to many of their articles throughout this post.

A user on the HobbyDrama subreddit made a great write up called The Cassandra Cla(i)re Saga.

ProblematicYA wrote several amazing articles on the subject:

Why I Have A Problem With Cassandra Clare and Why You Should Too

anti-bullying ya queen cassandra clare is a massive bully. water also wet.

They also have an entire tag dedicated to Cassie

Alli6 wrote Things you should Know

Cassandra Clare, Rape Culture, and the Oft-Forgotten Metaphor by The Book Lantern.

SnarkTheater also has pages of things tagged as Cassie Claire, including chapter by chapter break downs of the books.

source http://camryndaytona.com/2020/06/cassandra-clare?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=cassandra-clare

[tired-college-student-writing]

Don’t make assumptions

Summary: The egos have a secret. How long can they keep it from the humans that work with them?

There are many unspoken runs of the egos. Never get in the middle of an argument between Wilford and Dark. Never grab a gun from Wilford’s hands. Underwear, at the bare minimum, must be worn in the communal areas. Don’t talk to Doc before he’s had his coffee if you value your spleen. Don’t question where Bim vanishes the bodies to. Protect the humans that are in the know with your life.

More were added as the Iplier roster grew, as the Septics and Sanders became more like friends and less like just being they knew were out there. But the first eight egos that bore the name Iplier had one rule that there was one rule that needed to be followed above everything else. 

A rule that caused them to hid everything, to put up masks, to play as if everything was alright even as they fell apart at the seams. 

The Doctor was the first to feel the persistent tingle, starting at his fingertips and toes but steadily moving upwards day by day. Dropping his scalpel with a harsh gasp, he could do nothing but watch as his fingers flickered in between existence and nothingness, finally admitting to himself what was happening. If the humans noticed him yelling at the nurse more and more as the days went on they didn’t say anything, but the egos knew. They saw how fixed his smile had become. Yandere helped out where he could, cleaning up blood and knowing what could be deadly was practically his job after all.

Bim was next, accidentally turning all the props on the stage into balloons when his hand first phased through the podium in front of him.  He told the others in hushed tones but kept smiling as brightly as ever when in view of the humans that he loved so much. The egos knew though. His heart beating erratically as he gazed down at his flickering fingers, losing control over his magic with increased regularity even as he grew weaker. He didn’t complain when Wilford let him do less and less around the studio since it was straining his body just to tie his tie and get out of his room every day.  

King felt the pull next and could do nothing to stop it. He stayed inside more, gazing out at his subjects with sadness and fear. Ethan and Mark noticed and asked him why he wasn’t climbing and jumping around the trees. The monarch had thought of this though, wrapping his hands in bandages, and spinning a tale of how the Doc was mad at him for getting hurt so much so he had to heal naturally this time. They bought the excuse, deciding to hang out with him as he ‘recovered’. The laughter between them was more strained than before, but only the egos noticed.

Host was the best at hiding the fact that his limbs were flicking away hidden from the humans around them. If the other egos weren’t paying attention they’d probably assume he was as fine as he appeared, but the signs were there. Hands lacking the ink that normally clung to them, the tea sloshing harshly in the cup as if he dropped it, staying in the main areas of the house more. If he wanted to be around those he saw as dear now, none of the egos could blame him. Dark never strayed far from the man these days, pulling out the chessboard for a game or a piece of music he wanted the Host to critique as justification.

Google went about his days normally, sputtering and skipping over words more frequently, but not stopping in his duty to keep the house running smoothly. Even as tools started phasing through his fingers, he refused to stop. The frustration made his core, spark, and glitch, threatening to crash at any time. Kathryn and Tyler stopped him on occasion to ask if he needed help, and Amy asked him to take breaks so to not overwork himself, but they didn’t know the true reason behind his struggle so he ignored them, lying when asked if he was doing alright.  

Without saying it aloud, they all knew they wouldn’t tell the human team that they were fading. To let them in on the fact that their heads grew fuzzy with fear as the flickers lasted longer and longer, feeling as if skin was slowly being stripped from their limbs as the fading moved further over their bodies, was not an option to them. No need to force something that Mark might not want after all, and no need to worry their friends.

Dark, Wilford, and Yandere felt pain eating at their cores, but kept with their mouths closed, knowing they’d wish for this to be kept quiet if they themselves were the ones fading. Dark’s mind flashed back to the first time he and Wilford started flickering out of existence, the pain causing them to go mad. Back then none of the three understood one another, fear and tensions running high between the two egos and their creator. He remembered how he threatened Mark to add more of his stupid jump scares and idiocy into the videos, as the pain became more unbearable by the second. How he was forced to hold a crazed Wilford back until his arms flicked to far out of existence for him to do so, but that was fine as Wilford’s body lost its tangibility as well. The fear and terror in that gripped him and Wilford as Mark weighed his options before ultimately saving them from oblivion.

None of them spoke of the event again, but it left a bitter taste in all their mouths and eventually lead to them trying to understand each other more. It also leads to the egos realizing something important, a fact that bothered them and gave more than a few sleepless nights to those who thought about it.  

But their rule came before everything, even their health and wellbeing. 

Never, under any circumstance, Let Mark know when they were fading. 

It stemmed from the fact that they would never force Mark’s hand. The fact that they’d rather die silently then force their creator to do something he didn’t want to do. Even worse, no matter how much pain fading causes, nothing hurts worse than seeing Mark look at them in indecision on whether he should save them or not.

So the rule went into place, but it didn’t stop the questions spinning in their brains. 

Was this what it meant to be a Tulpa? Unknowingly wanting to please their creator even when a normal being wouldn’t care? When they allowed themselves to suffer so one man didn’t have to? They didn’t know, and more then one of them wondered if they actually wanted to know as they gazed down at their flickering forms.

Mark gazed over at where King, Ethan, Bim, and Kathryn sat in the main room over the top of his laptop. Something was off with all the egos recently, but he couldn’t tell what. Less damage was done to the building as, since December, fewer antics disturbed his work and overall it was growing too quiet in the recent months. It felt familiar, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. A storm was brewing within the house and he was just waiting for the cloud break at this point. HIs eyes went to flicker down to his editing again when he noticed something. As the quartet in the corner laughed, Bim’s face became see-through for a split second. It was so quick he almost could pass it off as a trick of the light, but everything clicked into place. He scratched at the scars he had been given last time he had witnessed such and Wilford had gone mad with pain, not realizing what he was doing, Dark forced to hold him back barking at him to add more content of them.

Before he registered moving, he was across the room, hand’s twisted in the game show’s host suit jacket.

“What the hell? Mark?” Ethan shouted as Kathryn moved to shove him back. King stopped her, eyes boring into Mark with a blank expression. Bim did nothing, but meet Mark’s eyes with a pained and sheepish smile.

“How long?” His voice was low and slightly choked making the two egos grimace as the humans fell quiet.

“Around Christmas,” Mark sucked in a harsh breath looking like he was punched in the gut.

“This has been going on for four months,?” Mark’s tone was low as Bim nodded, even though he knew it wasn’t a question, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We didn’t want to worry you,” His eyes snapped to the King, eyes wide as he slapped a hand over his mouth, smearing almond butter over his hand, not meaning to have spoken. His eyes locked on the bandages wrapped around his hands, remembering the excuse behind them. How could he have been so blind?

“Conference room. Now,” His order was laced with mindless anger and venom unlike they had ever heard before. He shoved away from Bim, marching over to the intercom in the room that was linked to the PA system throughout the house.

“All of my egos need to report to the conference room, now. If you’re not there within the next five minutes, I don’t care what your excuse is, I will hunt you down myself and drag you there by your hair,” The growled command echoed throughout the building, sounding more like a certain demon than the fun-loving youtuber, and by the time it was done, he was alone in the room with Ethan and Kat staring at him in fear and confusion.

“What’s going on?” Kat asked slowly, “What did Bim and the others do?” Mark couldn’t stop his shoulders from trembling, from anger or pain he wasn’t sure.

“Come to the conference room and I’ll explain,” He responded. When they nodded they left the room, seeing Tyler and Amy ahead of them, pestering Yandere and Doc for answers.

“What do you mean nothing’s wrong?” Tyler snapped, “Mark doesn’t just like this for no reason,”

“Oh, there’s a reason. And whoever said it was nothing is getting knocked out” Mark called, not stopping his hurried walk as they turned around to face him. He pushed past even as the others tried to question him.

“I’ll explain in the Conference room,” He snapped, shrugging off Amy’s concerned hand.  The egos silently followed him, leaving the humans to catch up. By the time they got there, everyone else was seated and waiting, not even the Host’s normal narrating breaking the silence. Bim waved his hand, summoning more chairs for the team to sit around the table. Mark stood at his place in the middle of the table eyes burning as he looked at each of the egos one by one.

“Show of hands: How many of you are affected?” The egos gazed around at each other before slowly Bim, King, Doc, Google, and Host raised their hands. Mark’s knees buckled and he collapsed into his chair, hands covering his face, a pained sob ripping through his throat. No one says anything, even as the humans started on in confusion and panic. Slowly he pulled his face up and took a deep breath.

“When did it start?” He points at Doctor first.

“December 8th at 7:30 was when I noticed the symptoms for the first time.” 

His finger moved to King, “Sometime around New Year’s.” 

 Google spoke before Mark’s eyes moved to him, “Logs started reporting problems in Late February.”

“Mark moves his hand to point at the Host and the Host tells him honestly that he felt the first signs late at night in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day”  

“And Bim told me earlier that his started around Christmas. Why didn’t you guys tell me?” Silence feel over the room.

“Uh, Mark?” Kathryn asked, raising her hand, “Care to explain what exactly is happening?” His shoulders pulled back as he glared at all of the egos around him, not looking over at the humans.

“So who wants to tell them what’s going on?” He spat, voice almost mocking, none of them meeting his eyes, “Who wants to explain how you kept the fact over half of you are dying from us for months?” The egos flinched but kept their eyes on the table. Not even Dark dared to look up, form cracking under the intensity of Mark’s words.

“Woah, Woah!” Ethan squawked, eyes flashing around the room, waiting for someone to tell him it was all just a joke, “What do you mean dying?!” Amy turned to the Doctor next to her, eyes wide with concern, only to cover her mouth with her hand as he turned away, shame floating off of him.

“Guys?” Tyler asked, trying to place a hand on Bim’s shoulder only for it to phase through him, making the tall man gasp in shock. Kat could do nothing but pale as she took in the stoic faces around the room.

“Explain,” Her demand was shaky, almost pleading. Dark broke the silence.

“It’s called Fading,” All eyes turned to him, as he finally lifted his head, eyes pitch black as his mouth twisted into a grimace, “When an ego is forgotten they fade away into nothingness, but the process takes a long time,”

“Not to mention it’s painful,” Wilford’s voice was almost unrecognizable when he piped in, his normal slurring drawl fading almost completely. He didn’t lift his eyes as he gave a hollow laugh, “It’s just a tingle in your arms and legs at first, like they fell asleep, but then it doesn’t go away. It just gets worse and worse until you want to just kill yourself to take away the pain, but you can’t even do that because your body starts going more and more intangible as you slip between his reality and the void.” 

Yan laid a hand on Wilford’s shoulders, soothing the shaking man, and pulling his hands away from where they pulled at his hair. As he spoke it felt like the air was slowly being sucked out of the room, the humans going deathly pale. Doc looked at them concerned.

“Are you all alright?” He asked, only to be met with a sharp glare from Amy, wincing at the tears gathering in her eyes.

“Are we alright?” She asked breathlessly, “You’re the one that just admitted to living with chronic pain that’s so bad suicide sounds like an answer for four months and you’re asking us if we’re alright?” Bim shrugged helplessly, scrunched in on himself.

“We didn’t want to worry you guys,” He mumbled which a few of the egos made noises of agreement. Kathryn slammed her hands against the table, tears sliding down her face.

“Worry us? You guys are dying!” Her words echoed around the room, even though she only spoke at a whisper, “Our friends are dying. Of course, we’re upset and horrified and worried and panicking,”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?” Mark snapped at all of them, eyes misting over slightly. Dark let out a hollow cruel laugh, moving away from a calmer Wilford.

“It’s not like they wanted to die, Fischbach,” His form was sparking and creaking dangerously, his ring growing louder by the second, “We couldn’t bother you with this. We couldn’t force you to do something about it,”

“What the hell do you mean?”

Google broke in, tone sounding more deadpan than ever before.

“Even when it goes against logic, for some reason us Egos can not force you to do anything to help us. It hurts more then what we are facing now, to make you do something with your channel just to benefit ourselves. Whether this is simply because of what we are, or if this problem stems from your own personality, or another reason entirely is unknown,”  He explained. Mark stared at all of them mouth hanging open. 

Wilford wearily looked up finally, “Not to mention what happened last time,” 

Wilford, Dark, and Mark shared a look filled of shared pain.

“It was different back then,” Mark told them, “Last time I was asked to save two psychos with my face that mentally tortured me on a weekly basis to the point I almost quit YouTube altogether. This time I’m being asked to save my family that happens to hold multiple psychos with my face that drive me up a wall, but I wouldn’t want it any other way,” The egos looked up at him in shock, never hearing him give a name to their relationship before. Family? Was that what they were?

“Like we’d give you any other choice,” Tyler joked slightly, “You’re not the only one that would claim these guys as family,” Mark smiled slightly as the other egos eyes snapped to the four humans that were all nodding in agreement.

“Though He’d have the easiest time convincing people of blood relations,” Amy added her two cents in. Ethan laughed slightly, turning to Mark.

“How do we help?”

“We need to get all of these guys into a video. Fading is caused by the fans forgetting them, giving them more content with them present will stabilize them.” Amy’s eyes sparkled as she smiled.

“Markiplier TV!” She gasped, “We didn’t know how to end it, but… What if we act like it was a plan the egos had to take over the channel?” Mark and the egos perked up. The ongoing joke of the egos planning to take over Mark’s channel had existed for years. They all had agendas and plans, but Mark’s actual channel was left out of all of them.

“That could work,” He said, brain already summoning ideas for it, “We can add some segments with a couple of you guys too, to give it an extra boost,” Wilford smiled widely and snapped his fingers, summoning the teams' Laptops to them. Mark connected his to the TV at the front of the room.

“Alright let’s brainstorm and figure out what we’re doing with this,”  He said, a bright reassuring smile appearing on his face. Identical faces mirrored his, feeling more hopeful than they had in a long time.

Perhaps the rules weren’t as set in stone as they thought. 

Perhaps they didn’t need to suffer alone. 

Perhaps...

Perhaps they could learn to trust the humans after all. 

[toto-doodles]

First Date

This is for the @danganevents valentines fic exchange :) I was assigned @deadpunkin who wanted komahina fluff! This was my first time doing something like this and It was a cool experience- I hope you have fun reading it! ^^

Hajime Hinata was running late.

This wasn’t a common nor uncommon experience really. Hajime’s most remarkable quality (excluding his abnormally spikey hair) would have to be how average he is. And being late occasionally is just a part of life! That was something anyone could understand and be understanding of, surely..

This is what was repeating through Hajime’s head as he dashed to the bus stop down the street from his apartment complex. Just a little bit further-

“OOF!”

Upon rounding the street corner Hajime collides with an immense and immovable object. This ‘object’ was none other than Nekomaru Nidai.

“Woah, there- What’s the rush!” Nekomaru exclaimed, helping pick Hajime up from off the ground where he had fallen. The Ultimate Team Manager was built like a brick house and running headlong into him made that especially clear.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, though your form is severely lacking!” He continued, helping brush Hajime off lightly and doing his best to smooth down the spiky mass of hair “Having heart is important but we’ll never reach play offs on that alone. If you really want to improve your run time I can help you devise a solid regiment suited to your build!” At this point Nidai had given up on fixing the mess known as Hajime’s hair and punched his fists together enthusiastically “Just give me the word an-“

“Nidai I am so sorry but also- I do Not have time for this today.” Hajime sputtered out darting around the managers’ form and making a run for it, “We can talk about this another day!” He half-heartedly promised over his shoulder, already trying to calculate how much this detour would affect his time. As he was not the SHSL Mathematician, however, Hajime soon abandoned this line of thought.

Nidai huffs to himself lightly, as the smaller student flees away in a full on sprint, “He must really have to take a shit..”

Across town a lone figure arrives at the door of Jabberwock Java, a local coffee chain renowned for its fun and exotic take on the classic café theme.

-

“Huh. I’m 15 minutes early! That’s just my luck..” He sighed before sitting at one of the outside tables to wait for 6 o’clock. Better than being late, really. Nagito had made sure to leave Hope’s Peak with plenty of time and to take the most secure path available according to Google maps. That way even if was waylaid by criminals or caught in a storm he would have plenty of time to deal with the issue.

Despite emotionally preparing for something unfortunate the entirety of the trip, it had been remarkably easy. Almost frighteningly so.

“A lot can happen in 15 minutes,” Nagito thinks to himself while thoughtfully gazing towards the horizon.

-

He made it! The bus was leaving right as he arrived but due to Hajime’s quick reflexes and the bus driver’s kindness (ie. Running alongside the bus as it started to pull off and knocking on door), he was now seated in the fourth closest seat to the door.

“Finally, something is going right,” Hajime sighs, taking a moment to try and catch his breath. The fellow bus occupants were likely judging him, but he had made it on and that’s what really counts. The person in the next seat over was openly staring daggers at him.

They would probably stop once they realized he wasn’t going to acknowledge them. Sweat dripped down the side of his neck and Hajime wished he had the foresight to bring water.

Or the foresight to just leave on time instead fussing over his stupid outfit for half an hour. Its not like he even wore anything that different from his usual clothes..

“Hajime?..”

Sure, it was a slightly nicer button down. Crisp collar, unlike his every day outfit. And the tie he chose was not the usual green- but a more grey-ish green shade than usual. Not that he bought it specifically for this or anything! He just… needed a new tie.

“Hajime!”

Oh fuck.

So much for ignoring them, “Oh! Hey there Ibuki,” he smiled in what was hopefully a nonchalant manner “What’s up?” He went to lean in to more of a relaxed slouch against the handrail but, upon realizing an outer seat didn’t actually have that, stopped before he could fall into the center aisle.

He could play it cool. Right.

“What’s up with Ibuki?! More like what’s up with Hajime!” She exclaimed loudly, almost certainly drawing unnecessary looks from everyone else on the bus, who hadn’t paid attention to his frantic pounding on the bus window a couple minutes back “Ibuki saw you run from alllllll the way by down the street.”

“Now what could Ibuki’s favorite drummer be doing running so desperately,” She crossed her arms in thought.

“Its- really its no big deal! I was just,” Think Hajime, think “Getting in my steps for the day.” Nailed it.

“Oh!! Ibuki sees,” Here she shot a wide grin, and nodded in a self satisfied manner “And after his steps Hajime always goes to treat himself with some tea! Of course!!”

“Uh.. sure.”

“And of course the best place to get tea is the Hanamura Family Diner!”

Hajime felt his heart drop.

“Which is why you are on a bus alllllll the way to Aoyama!” Ibuki continued, unaware of Hajime’s turmoil “Ibuki still needs to go there one day, but she can never seem to find it! Even when she goes to watch concerts in that area no one ever seems to have heard of it!”

“..This bus is headed where?”

-

Nagito checked his phone. It was only just after 6… Hajime probably just got lost on his way here. At this point it was almost rude to loiter outside without at least going to buy something.

Mind made up Nagito headed inside the café, deciding to order a small drink and stake out a nice spot for when Hajime arrives. He checks his phone again, as a force of habit.

No new messages.

-

After getting off at the next nearest stop and declining Ibuki’s invitation to play ‘Will I get there?’ Hajime has to be completely honest with himself.

This isn’t just a little late anymore. Assuming Nagito arrived on time (and not early as Hajime feared) he would have been waiting for at least 45 minutes now. While the luckster has come a long way from disdainful student he had been (And only seemed to be warming up to Hajime more and more every day), surely, he was pushing the others patience at this point.

Hajime was across town with no way to the café. He should just call and tell him what happened, reschedule for another day and cut his losses.

He reaches into his pocket to retrieve his phone.

Aaaaand finds nothing. Hajime blinks for a bit, before re-checking each and every pocket he has. The search comes up with his wallet, the apartment key, a pack of mint fresh gum, and absolutely nothing else.

���Ughhhhhhh..” He puts his head in hands for a moment and thinks. He had been avoiding checking the time since he first left so as not to psyche himself out too much. It must have been left at home. And if it was lost anywhere else, then… Well that would be a problem for future Hajime.

Current Hajime has very specific problems to deal with. Namely not disappointing the guy he was supposed to meet up with any more than he already has. With renewed energy Hajime stands up and looks over the map located at the stop.

The next bus he needed wasn’t coming for a good while. There must be another way to get there… Suddenly a car with deeply tinted windows pulls up next to Hajime on the curve. The window starts to roll down on the passenger side and Hajime tenses up ever so slightly. If he throws the gum then that should be enough of a distraction to make a run for it if need be.

“Hey Hajime! What are you doing all the way on this side of town?”

“….Fuyuhikyo?”

Behind the Kuzuryu heir Peko waves lightly from the driver seat.

-

Nagito is easygoing in a lot of ways. Life happens and things often out of your control can make keeping plans difficult at times. It was like his luck with its ups and downs and the unpredictable nature of things, honestly. But Nagito is also a realist.

He had his… reservations about this outing from the beginning, and it was becoming increasingly clear that so must have Hajime. It was 7:30 with no calls or messages, and no sign of the spiky haired teenager. Though the timing was unfortunate, he must have finally realized his time would be better spent with almost anyone else. It was an unavoidable outcome really. Nagito was almost surprised it took this long, even with the young man’s stubborn nature.

Either that or something could have happened to Hajime- which was unthinkable. A light shudder wracked his frame at the idea. Nagito would be fine with ignoring whatever this could have been if Hajime is okay. He would have to be okay.

For everything else the universe had taken away from him it should owe him this much at least.

With that Nagito strengthens his resolve to greet Hajime normally tomorrow, as he always does after class. He won’t mention being stood up or talk about waiting on him. He won’t push for more than he deserves.

Though only a reserve course student Hajime had so much hope in his heart. That was really the only way Nagito could put it. He had a way of making everyone around him feel acknowledged and cared for just by being there. It’s really no wonder that he had become such an essential part of the 77th class of Hope’s Peak Academy, despite being an unofficial member.

Though the two had taken a while to get used to each other and only recently started to understand one another, they worked well together. There was a base attraction that only flourished as they shared their stories, love of Hope’s Peak Academy and what it represents, even their deepest dreams with one another.

Or at least that’s what Nagito had thought.  

It had seemed reciprocated if the confession (Could it even be called that?) from Hajime was anything to go by. It had been pretty round about in the way he did it, but the intent seemed clear. His eyes had been bright and cheeks flushed as he mentioned with a forced off-handedness about this café he had been meaning to try, and ‘Gee, wouldn’t it be nice to go together, Nagito?’

Really, the nail in the coffin was Hajime insisting that they do this on a couple’s holiday. Nagito didn’t consider himself to be oblivious but the implications of that seemed... pretty straightforward.

Lost in thought and fidgeting with his long since empty cup he almost doesn’t notice the shadow that crosses his table.

“Hey.” The seat across from him pulls out as a somewhat ruffled looking Hajime takes a seat.

“Sorry to keep you waiting for so long- there was an issue with the bus and misplacing my phone. It was kind of crazy trying to get here honestly!”

Seeing how much of a mess the other boy’s hair was (Which is to say it was slightly worse than usual) and how his tie (..Was that new? It was a silky looking grey-green shade that was endearingly familiar) noticeably askew, that seemed believable. Not that Hajime was the type to lie to protect someone’s feelings, but it was comforting evidence, nonetheless.

“Oh! That sounds rather troublesome,” Nagito answered after a moment “I’m honored you invited me here in the first place, but you really shouldn’t go to such lengths just to meet with me!” He laughed a bit self-consciously.

“I wanted to.” Hajime reply’s immediately. Firmly.

A warm hand grasps Nagito’s own on top of the table. He can feel his heart skip a beat.

“Whether it’s talking about whatever comes to mind or even just saying nothing at all,” Hajime pauses as if searching for the right words “being with you is.. good, Nagito. You are really important to me.”

As Nagito begins to flush at the unexpected praise, at the counter across the room Fuyuhikyo and Peko order a couple of green tea’s and a bag of fried dough cookies to go.

“It’s about time,” Fuyuhikyo huffs lightly nodding at their friends joined hands. Peko hums in agreement, collecting the sweets bag and passing a cookie over.

“They’ve only been dancing around each other for the past three years. Sheesh, were we ever that insufferable?” Peko gives him a look that speaks volumes, and the two leave Jabberwock Java and the soon to be couple behind.

[medeafive]

bucky and nat meet while competing to buy the last gourmet chocolate bar

(This was so much fun. I’ll probably continue it. Gah. Next week)

AU where Nat is a cop and Bucky is… not sure yet.

Paperwork was the fucking worst. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the crime lab lost her evidence- her evidence- now she was the one who had to file a F426 for missing evidence, a F426D4 because it’s about drugs, a notice to the court and the state attorney (Matt was going to be pissed), a complaint to the police chief, to the head of the crime lab (things had really gone downhill since Bruce left), register the drugs in the state-wide watchlist, a formal apology to the police chief even though it wasn’t her fault at all, and that was just today.

She couldn’t even bitch about it to Clint because he was on family leave. On the Bahamas. Though that didn’t sound all that pleasant, with a toddler. Her apartment was empty, ever since Sharon moved out last week. The fridge was even emptier. So she stopped by a fast-food chain and now, gorged on too many tasteless calories, she craved nothing but her chocolate.

It was quite a ride across town but somehow, even these days you couldn’t get this specific gourmet chocolate delivered. Not that she would have the patience to sit calmly and wait for it. She needed chocolate, and she needed it now. Dark, 76 percent cocoa, with a hint of orange. Sharon claimed it tasted bitter, but Sharon also puts sugar in her coffee (which should be illegal, frankly). So, Natasha would buy the chocolate, go home, lounge on the couch, eat the chocolate and watch some crime show while bitching about it to- well, no one in particular, since Sharon moved out.

The store was awfully crowded on this Friday evening. Oh, she had already forgotten that it would be Valentine’s Day on Sunday. Great. Loneliness day. Well, at least this year she didn’t have to help Sharon get ready and pretend not to be a little bit jealous. But chocolate stores in early February were a nightmare. Good Lord, she just wanted her chocolate, and if it cost her an arm and a leg. More likely due to the crowd than due to the price.

She elbows her way into the right section, really, all these clueless people pondering heart shaped monstrosities, just get out of her way. Her heart sinks when she sees how empty the shelves already are. Please not. She can handle the crowd, the red and pink decorations, the long ride, but if she can’t get her chocolate- she almost sees her life flash before her eyes. Or her weekend at least. She shoves people out of her way, heart pumping. She isn’t not one for praying but right now…

Her worst fear comes to life when she saw her chocolate, her beloved chocolate, the orange packaging she would recognize anywhere, and there’s a hand darting forward, slow motion, to her chocolate, the last bar of her chocolate-

The forms flash before her eyes, the face of the stupid lab guy that she almost punched, the sorry state of her apartment, the horrible weekend and the even worse week ahead, and now her chocolate is being snatched away right before her eyes-

“Hands up where I can see them! Drop it-”

A few people startle and turn to her small but fuming stature, but there’s so much other noise that only few hear her, and when they see her, just standing there tensely, they turn back around and dismiss the whole thing. Except for, of course, the guy whose hand is still infuriatingly close to her chocolate. Which is his only hand, as she realizes upon closer inspection, the left sleeve tied at the upper arm. But most striking is the amused look on his smug face that already tells her he is a total asshole. “Are you arresting me? Why?”

“Yes,” Natasha replies. “No. No, of course not. Just give me my chocolate.”

“Your chocolate?” the guy repeats, looking around demonstratively. His dark hair slides over his shoulder. “As far as I can tell, sweetheart, none of them has your name on it.”

“Don’t sweetheart me.” She’s so close to losing it. The only thing holding her back is that Fury won’t save her if she loses evidence and on the same day draws her gun in a chocolate shop. But God, her fingers itch. “If you can’t tell, I’m not in a good mood. I don’t think you want to fuck with me today.”

“I’m just buying chocolate for Valentine’s Day.” He’s actually kind of good looking, in an infuriating way, of course. His hair looks soft. Of course he has a girlfriend. Not that it matters. She’s such a mess. “Don’t think that’s illegal. So, if you don’t mind… I guess you just came too late, sweetheart.”

“I do mind.” She has to resist the childish urge to stamp her feet. Her brain is begging for chocolate. Just chocolate. Don’t bother with this guy, just get the chocolate. But it’s not that easy, of course. “I had a horrible day. I’m going to have a horrible weekend. God, just- give me the chocolate and I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Come on, this chocolate is too bitter anyways,” the infuriating handsome guy tries. “You’ll want to try something less dark. Really, I’m just taking this one because my go-to sold out.”

“Oh please, 27 percent sugar is more than enough,” Natasha deadpans. “And if you don’t like it, then just leave it to me.”

He picks up the chocolate bar, which makes her blood boil, and looks at the ingredients on the back. “Wow. 27, indeed.”

“Don’t think you can lecture me on chocolate,” Natasha threatens. “Especially my chocolate. And now leave it to someone who will really appreciate it.”

He smiles, shrugging with the armless shoulder. “Well, I guess we’ll have to make a deal, sweetheart.”

“I’m not sharing with you!” Natasha protests, mentally calculating how many Law and Order episodes half the chocolate bar would get her through. Not enough. “And for the last time, don’t call me sweetheart.”

“Guess I shouldn’t harass a cop,” he concludes, without seeming sincere in the slightest. “Okay. I’ll let you have it. Sweetheart.”

This thing stinks from a mile away. He’s still holding her chocolate bar. “What’s the catch?”

He grins. She’s starting to get the sense that his confidence is overplayed. “Let me buy you a coffee. Just one. That’s it.”

It really speaks to her desperation that she considers it. She doesn’t want a date. Romance doesn’t play well with her job. And then there’s all the other stuff, childhood trauma, anxiety, trust issues. Really, she’d rather bitch about everything to Clint and Sharon, who she knows and trusts, than even talk to a stranger. “I don’t drink coffee,” she lies.

“Really.” He doesn’t look impressed. Try harder. “Your chocolate is almost entirely beans.”

Think. This whole thing is making her nervous. Just the thought of going on a date makes her palms sweaty. After all the bad boyfriends she’s been through. “I thought you had a girlfriend. I thought you were buying chocolate for your girlfriend.”

He snorts, which looks unfairly attractive on him, his jaw, his mouth. “I said I was buying chocolate for Valentine’s Day, not for my girlfriend. You’re bad at listening, for a cop. I was going to eat it all by myself.”

That’s just what she was going to do. Chocolate. This must be what it’s like for all those drug junkies she deals with. “Okay, fine. Just one coffee. You pay.”

His face lights up as if he’s genuinely surprised. “Oh. Yeah, sure. I know this place… Well, I gotta head to the VA, but give me your number, I’ll text.”

“I said coffee, not phone number,” she reminds him, snatching the chocolate bar from his hand. He’s tall. Tall, dark and handsome. Not like she has a type. “And not on Sunday. My chocolate and I have plans for Sunday.”

“Let’s make it Tuesday,” he concludes. “It’s near the Concorde Music Hall, if you know where that is. When do you get off?”

She swallows the dirty reply she always gives Sharon. “I can make it by four. Probably.”

“Let’s say five,” he decides, sounding slightly sarcastic. Just like Sharon. “I’d text you the address but you won’t let me. It’s the Ipsento Café.”

“Thanks, I do have Google,” she replies dryly, already dying to get out of here and never see him again. He can’t make her come to a café on a Tuesday afternoon. He has nothing on her.

“Enjoy your chocolate,” he remarks, his mouth quirking up on only one side, like he knows what she’s thinking.

“Yeah,” she replies, already turning her back on him. “I will.”

[margri3t]

Ereri Valentines Event

So seeing as it’s now the 13th here in Europe, I’m posting my vday drabble.

So my buddy is the lovely @then-it-went-boom ! I’m gonna be honest I had no clue what to write, which means I have like 5 different drabbles written out in my google docs. But in the end I went with this one. I apologize, it’s fairly short :/. But nonetheless I hope you enjoy!!!

----

Monday morning English class was the only lesson I could actually handle having so early in the week for two reasons. Reason 1: the teacher, Mr Pixis, was always asleep so as long as we didn't make any noise we could get away with pretty much anything. Reason 2: Eren Jäger. He has these forest green eyes, tan skin and hair that even if it was formed like an actual birds nest it would still look good. I was absolutely gone™️ for Eren. So imagine my surprise when one Monday morning in February, I received a paper aeroplane to the back of my head with the words ‘For Levi’ written neatly on the wing.

Frowning slightly, I carefully unfolded the paper to see the words written inside.

Did it hurt when you fell from the vending machine? Because you look like a snack.

-Eren

I let out a small gasp, Eren was flirting. Albeit in an awful manner. How was I supposed to respond to that? There was a large chance he was joking around so I didn't want to give myself away just yet. Of course there was only one valid way: fight fire with fire. I would go along with his jokes and see if he actually meant it. Quickly I tore a piece of paper from my notebook.

I’ll gladly be a snack if it means I can put my tongue in your mouth.

-Levi

Okay so maybe that was a bit more forward than I wanted to be, but it's Eren, I couldn't help myself. I folded the paper and sent it back towards the green eyed boy. He looked at me and I winked, acting far more confident than I felt. After a few minutes another plane flew my way.

Well then I hope you taste as good as you look.

-Eren

Damn he was quick. I still couldn't believe my luck, just maybe he was actually being serious. I noted that I should probably place any bets that day because it was definitely my lucky day. But as much as I just wanted to go over there and kiss him, I decided to continue with the aeroplanes. It was actually a really adorable idea.

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

-Levi

Once again I sent the plane flying.

I must admit I practiced for you.

Where was the pick up line? Well alright, at least that meant I wouldn't have to think of more.

And what exactly do you mean by that, Jäger?

I was looking to get a more serious answer out of him now. To see if he was actually interested, or just fucking with me. It could just be that that horse faced ass put him up to it and he was about to laugh in my face. As much as that sounded great, you could imagine I didn't really want that. I was actually interested and didn't really see humiliation as a fun school activity.

Well I was hoping you'd be my valentine.

With that I turned around in my chair to face him, looking Eren dead in the eyes for any signs that he wasn't absolutely serious. He just met my stare dead on, I thought I could see a hint of nerves but I wasn't sure. After about a minute of staring, yes a minute is excessive but those eyes, I turned around and wrote my answer on another piece of paper before folding it with neurotic precision. I turned and sent it up into the air.

Unfortunately for me the day wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. None other that Jean Kirschtein intercepted my plane and unfolded it. After reading it he walked over to me and whispered: “So what's this supposed to mean?” I read my own message once again.

Sure.

So Eren really was just fucking with me, just my luck. I tried to think of something quickly.

“Eren was asking for a favour.” It wasn't technically a lie but Jean was eyeing me suspiciously. “Look, can you just give it back to me?” He stared at me for another minute before placing the paper on my table and walking away. I decided I wouldn't send the paper to Eren again. However just as I was going to crumple it up Eren walked up to me and took the paper from my hands. He read it, looked at me, then back at the paper, then back at me again. All I could do was scratch the back of my head nonchalantly and scream internally.

What seemed to be a look of realization crept into Eren’s face and he beamed with a brightness comparable to the sun. Without warning I was engulfed by his arms.

So maybe he did like me after all.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[voicesofchaos]

I GOT TAGGED!

I love getting tagged and it never happens!

Answer 30 question and tag 20 people 

tagged by @lily-liegh, thank you so much awesome person!

Nicknames: I actually have a lot of them. Tell me your favorite.

Sign: Libra

Height: 5′8″

Time: 11:35 pm

Birthday: October 11th

Favourite bands: Disturbed, Bullet For My Valentine, and ALL OFF. The first two are well known so let me take this space promote since they are really awesome and no one know who they are! They did both intro songs for Heavy Object and the ending song for Mob Psycho 100! They are a super awesome J-Rock band that actually sing a lot of English in their songs. Going to promote a song but go look up more because it is so hard to just pick out one! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnhZvoTG0ac

Favourite solo artists: Ummm I guess that would be artists on Youtube that do English covers of anime songs. Back in the day English versions of anime songs were terrible so I avoided them like the plague but some extremely talented artists changed my mind. My favorites are LeeandLie, NateWantsToBattle, and Sapphire.

Song stuck in my head: I’m just going to show off another ALL OFF song because the range of their style and genre has changed a lot over the years so this is from a different album. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wYM1Owe5cA

Last movie I watched: Umm I guess the Hitman’s Bodyguard with my family but I didn’t pay much attention. Last movie I saw in theaters twice was Thor Ragnorak. Last movie I bought was Resident Evil Vendetta.

Last show I watched: Sense 8 and The Runaways. WAIT! 2 things that were not anime??? That is rare. Before that was Yugioh Vrains, Boruto, and RWBY.

When did I create this blog: 2012

What do I post: Mostly Yugioh stuff. Sometimes other stuff I like such as Magic the Gathering and other anime. Every now and then just an interesting or funny generic post. Something that gets no notes but I really enjoy doing is liveblogging my thoughts and reviews of stuff I watch.

What did I last Google: Actually why my lower back sweats a mutant-level amount. Apparently I probably have something called hyperhidrosis.

Other blogs: I have 2 other Tumblr logins and no I am not posting them.

Do I get asks: Not very often. Sometimes just anon hate. I wish people asked me more interesting stuff. I love being talked to!

Why did I pick this URL: It refers to how my creativity takes on a life of its own that it is like hearing voices in my head. My “Voices” are born from the chaos of my mind. 

Following: 81 but most are inactive and I am super picky about who I follow.

Followers: 644, it feels more like less than 20 LOL

Average hour of sleep: That varies a lot depending on my schedule. But strangely enough I often prefer 2 4-hour naps to one long 8 hour sleep schedule. I believe it is actualyl called a Biphasic sleep schedule.

Lucky number: 8

Instrument: I used to play Flute in middle school. I do not have a talent for music sadly, I just love listening to it. Allow sometimes ‘people’ feel like the instrument I play but that is a different story LOL

What am I wearing: Ummmm..... right now just my underwear. I live alone!

Dream job: Game Designer! It has always been my passion. When I was younger it was more of videogame designer but now I lean more towards tabletop games. But regardless of the form and genre I LOVE MAKING GAMES! I fantasize about people bonding with each other and being brought happiness over the games I will one day make. I so enjoy the study of it too, just seeing why certain mechanics are good or not. How what is ‘fun’ to one person isn’t fun to another. It is such a passion I can’t begin to explain!

Favourite food: Steak and shrimp.

Last book I read: Ummm I guess..... The Art Of Magic The Gathering: Amonkhet.

3 favourite fandoms: Yugioh, Digimon, and Danganronpa

Tagging: @redthebattler, @precioussorakaibashun, @luminous-umbra, @viewtifulfox, @sailoranime, @sakuramikage, @astraldirectrix, @blackthunder-chan, @tastes-like-ciel, @daevaofsunflowers, @indyexploits, @roxxybawx, @xbrain130, @rurifrenchfries, @arminizewithme, @bellemieux, @athena-ash-official, @yuumatsukumo, @salty-may @okiyasubaru I tried to tag some different people but it wouldn’t let me tag them.

[technologyinfosec]

There's love all around with Sanam on V-Day

Writing romantic songs and performing them is second nature for Sanam, the popular Indian band, who are headlining a special Valentine's Day concert in Dubai. "We've all enjoyed the feeling of being in love at some point in time, and this reflects in our music. So love, whether it is writing songs, or performing them, comes naturally to us and it's very easy for us to express those feelings in our music." Sanam told City Times, ahead of their Valentine's Day 2020 gig at Bollywood Parks this Friday. The concert also features Indian singer and songwriter Sanah Moidutty. The Mumbai-based band consisting of Sanam Puri (vocals), Samar Puri (guitar/vocals), Venky S. (bass guitar/vocals) and Keshav Dhanraj (drums and vocals) has come a long way since they formed a decade ago. But like many other bands, Sanam too had to resort to performing music by other artistes when looking for a break into the music world. "Actually, we started out with originals, but due to lack of adequate support from music labels, we had to resort to cover tunes. We desperately wanted to reach out to people and we thought, the best way to do it was to do songs people were familiar with. We never thought we'd get such a massive response. So that's why we switched to cover tunes, but once we connected with people we slowly started introducing our originals. Now, whenever we perform, we mix it up with originals and cover tunes, and the audience just loves us for that," said Samar. Lead vocalist Sanam Puri, who has done playback singing and worked with Bollywood composers, says he prefers to perform with Sanam because it gave him the liberty to express himself. He also enjoys connecting with the audience, especially at live performances. "Our music reaches out to a wide age group, in fact, we have some friends in Dubai who asked us if they could bring their children to our concert. We're only glad to have them because our music reaches out to youngsters too. We have observed how music in India, whether its movies or on social media, brings people together and that's what we represent through our music." Live concerts In live situations, Sanam feeds off the energy of the crowd, adds drummer Keshav. "It gives us immense satisfaction when we see a large number of people turning out for our concerts. It only goes to prove that our music is good and it has touched them enough to bring them to our gigs. You may have a million followers online, but what good is it if only a handful turn up for your concert? That's not the case with us, we have millions of online fans but we also draw sizeable crowds for our live shows." Explaining further the impact of live concerts, he said. "Whenever we go on stage we start off in a powerful manner. From there on, it's a give and take between us and the audience. Our shows are very interactive and conversational, so to speak. We believe that as artistes we must give more than 100 per cent effort because that's what will impact our performance and move audiences." This is not the first time the band has performed live here, having delivered an explosive concert when they played at the Zabeel Park Amphitheatre in 2018. "It feels great coming back to Dubai. Venky (bass guitarist) has lived in Dubai and I have lived in Muscat. So we know the region, that's why we love coming back here," said Sanam Puri. The band is popular for their interpretations of hits such as Lag Ja Gale, Gulabi Aankhen, O Mere Dil Ke Chain and Mere Mehboob Qayamat Hogi. For their Dubai concert, considering it's Valentine's Day, they have prepared a setlist that's packed with infectious romantic songs and some fun songs which they promise will get the crowd up on their feet. "Whoever is coming for our show this time, will experience something different. We have a lot of surprises planned. Though one day is not enough to encapsulate this (feeling of love). But we look at it as a festive day and to perform a live show on this day is special. It's going to be a bunch of our Valentine's Day releases on YouTube, ballads and lots of fun songs that'll keep the crowd dancing and singing along." It's not surprising to find Sanam's setlist featuring Arabic songs as a few of them grew up in the Middle East. "Samar, Sanam and I met in Muscat and played together in the school band for a few years," shared Venky, who grew up in Dubai and later moved to Muscat.  "During those years, we used to listen to a lot of popular Arabic music, so we explored that genre and discovered some tracks (the band could do). This led us to cover popular tunes by Arab artists such as Cheb Khaled, Amr Diab and Saad Lamjarred, to name a few." Online following With over 7 million online subscribers and counting, Sanam is extremely popular online. They were tagged as 'India's fastest-growing YouTube channel' in 2018. When asked if going viral could be a measure of success, Sanam Puri said, "It is by no means a measure of a good artist. Going viral doesn't necessarily mean that a song is good. For instance, you may see an odd clip on social media of two people slapping each other and it goes viral. Does that mean it's a good video? Perhaps not. Does it mean that the video is credible? No, it's only different. These days, you do anything different on social media and it goes viral, that's how it is in online business." Sanam prefers quality over virality. "Perhaps our songs have not gone viral, but they've grown (in popularity) over some time. Google did a study of our YouTube channel and they told us that our songs were rising (in numbers) over time and, the growth was impressive. The songs must be good, that's why it's attracted 7 million YouTube subscribers. But our growth has been purely organic, we have not promoted ourselves using marketing gimmicks or paid someone to boost our image. We don't believe in pushing our songs on anybody." These days, Bollywood music is heavily influenced by western pop; infusing hip-hop and rap has become a common thing. Sanam Puri, however, feels there's nothing wrong in following new trends. "Popular music in Hindi films have always had global influences, so it's no surprise that these days composers are keeping up-to-date with the most contemporary trends. I personally love adding different styles of music in my musical expressions." When asked about the challenges they face from new talent, Venky says, "It's all about being consistent. People associate us with a certain genre of music. As long as we're putting in our best efforts, we are happy. We just focus on what we do best and make sure we entertain, stay fit and are ready to perform to all kinds of crowds. That's what matters for us." Some members of Sanam are known to be hardcore foodies. When asked what they would be gorging on during their stay in Dubai, guitarist Samar Puri says, "Sanam and I love Lebanese food. We just can't wait to get our hands on some vegan stuff though, something beyond burgers." If music is the food of love, then play on Sanam!  Sanah Moidutty to sing with sanam Sanah Moidutty, who will be taking the stage alongside Sanam in Dubai on Friday, is an Indian singer and has collaborated with Sanam in two songs - Duaa and Kora Kagaz Tha Ye Man Mera. She has sung for Bollywood composers such as AR Rahman, Sachin-Jigar and Vishal-Shekhar. She has rendered her voice to films such as Always Kabhi Kabhi, Gori Tere Pyaar Mein, The Attacks of 26/11, 24, Mohenjo Daro and Meri Pyari Bindu. Her training is in Carnatic, Hindustani and Western music which has helped her immensely in her career and she can also sing in Marathi, Punjabi, Telugu, Bengali, and Kannada. Sanah's cover tunes and mixes of Malayalam songs from late 80s and early 90s has brought her much fame.  How Sanam reworks classic songs "The process starts with listening to the original version to get a proper understanding and imbibing it before rearranging the song to suit us," says Venky. "Sometimes we change the groove or the key (pitch). The instruments are adorned around the vocal melody and harmonies. We finally reach a point where we add the final touches to the arrangements and voila, we're off to shoot the music video," he adds. Rapid fire 1. Favourite music:  Pop. 2. Style of music you dislike the most:   Mumble rap. 3. Dream venue:  Madison Square Garden 4. Biggest challenge:   To play in Dubai more often 5. An award you dream of winning:  Our biggest award is love we receive from our fans. Concert details: Sanam is playing at Bollywood Parks on Friday, February 14. Tickets starting at Dhs99 are available at ae.bookmyshow.com or on www.dubai.platinumlist.net Read the full article

[kagepro-secret-santa]

Hello, @thatonespamanoshipper​! After your original Secret Santa stopped replying, I (Mod) decided I’d fill your prompt myself! I really apologize for taking so long, but exam season snuck up on me. In any case, I hope you enjoy this HaruTaka nonetheless!

Although admittedly not being quite a holiday prompt, I figured it’s a bit too late for that when it’s nearly February, so here’s some early Valentine’s-themed fluff! It’s still a winter event, so, that’s my excuse! Again, enjoy!

EDIT: Haha, guess who forgot that Tumblr doesn’t paste from Google Docs like AO3 does. Italics are now in the fic! lol

A puff of vapor rolled into the dry winter air, Haruka standing transfixed as he watched his breath dissipate. For a long while he huffed and repeated the process, every time taking an awkward glance to ensure the street was still empty, but eventually he realized his throat was starting to burn from the cold. To remedy this, Haruka tightened the scarf around his neck with a little “Brr!”, shaking off the snow that had accumulated in his hair.

Standing at the intersection and watching the occasional car go by had lost its novelty after a few minutes, but he couldn’t just leave… Takane being this late didn’t happen often, but he figured he’d get an earful if he wasn’t there for the walk to school by the time she showed up.

When, finally, she appeared from around the corner, stomping through what was admittedly not enough snow to warrant that drastic of a reaction, Haruka felt like he could kiss the next person he saw.

“...Hey.” She seemed mad when she finally made it to him, so out of breath that Haruka waited a few moments before he started towards the school.

“Um. Are you okay, Takane? Did something happen…?” His fingers fidgeted with his bag strap.

“Yes. I’m absolutely fantastic.” The heavy, anger-laden sarcasm was usual, if not a little exhausting.

Their trek towards the school was silent for a long while, but eventually she sighed.

“...Sorry for making you wait. I slept in, and then I forgot something I had to bring to school, and… I dunno, I wish my grandma still drove.” To further prove her frustration, she kicked at a small mound of snow as they passed.

Oh, so she wasn’t mad at him. Thank goodness, but he wasn’t particularly shocked to hear she’d slept too late. Then again, it wasn’t as if he hadn’t done the same in the past. “No, no, it’s fine. What’s the, um, ‘thing’, though?”

When she didn’t answer, he wondered if maybe he’d ventured somewhere too personal. He’d figured it was fine if she’d brought it up so casually, but…

“It’s, um, s-something for Ayano. Uh. Yeah. She needed something, and I had one at my house. It’s no big deal.” She shrugged, staring stiffly ahead.

“Oh.” That was vague, but he didn’t feel like pressuring her. It was probably a girl thing, or at least that was as far as he was going to guess.

As they walked, Haruka watched the snow tangle itself in her coal-black hair.

“Um,” she started, “y’know what day tomorrow, uh, is?”

He wondered where this had come from. Was it about her birthday? On second thought, he couldn’t remember when it was, but it probably wasn’t in February… at least, he hoped not. He’d have to remember to get that from her again, without letting her know he’d forgotten. For now, however, he ventured a guess and hoped he didn’t regret it.

“No, what?”

“Uh, Valentine’s, duh.”

“Oh… right. I forgot because, um, I usually don’t really… get anything?”

She seemed almost appalled by this. “What?! You, really?”

Something about her tone made it seem like a horrible thing, to rarely get a Valentine's gift, and he bit back the comment that he’d spent most of his school (and thus, social) life in solitary classrooms and hospitals. “Um, yeah… Sorry. How about you…?”

This made her laugh, which reassured Haruka a twinge and was altogether expected. “No, fuck that noise. It’s all dumb couple stuff, or whatever. ‘Sides, those girls who go around baking chocolates and handing them out to everyone else ‘as friends’ when they’re really just being snobby and better…”

Ah, Haruka had wandered into dangerous territory. Time to backpedal.

“Um, I guess… I guess it’s sorta sweet to give things to your friends, though… But… I sorta get what you mean?” He tried to keep his answer vaguely neutral, and this seemed to content her enough that she dropped the topic through the rest of their walk.

The day passed like nothing unusual, but she did lag behind after the last bell. Finishing putting his homework and sketchbook safely into his bag, he turned to her quizzically as he buttoned his coat. “Is something wrong, Takane? Usually you talk about wanting to leave school as soon as you can…”

She snapped out of what seemed to have been a daze as she watched the light flurry outside the window, shifting to look at him. “I. Um, no, e-everything’s fine! Yep! I’m just uh… I’m doing something after school today, actually, so…”

Ah. “Oh, right! You said something about Ayano, this morning.”

She nodded, “Y-yep! Sure did! That’s right, I gotta uh, talk to Ayano…”

He noticed she was acting like something was up, but quite frankly, he didn’t want to delve into a potentially risky conversation. “Alright! Have fun… and tell her I said hi! See you tomorrow, Takane, and don’t forget the homework!”

After a cheery wave at her, and a very half-hearted wave back, he left. Halfway through walking home, he noticed she’d texted him-- it was along the lines of “If I sleep in tomorrow, you can just walk to school by yourself”, admittedly with less eloquence.

He was starting to wonder if something was up, but when he asked, she assured him that she was fine.

The next morning, he found that the intersection where they usually met was empty. Despite what she’d told him last night, he lingered a few minutes, but eventually tightened his scarf against the lonely chill and set off to the school by himself. It was starting to feel more and more like an odd morning, but he figured he was just making things up.

The classroom door was open, thank goodness, and he announced himself as he entered.

“Good morning--”

No one was in the class, he realized. He felt himself grow flushed after embarrassing himself so badly, but reassured himself that at least no one had been around to hear it. He sighed quietly, and hurried to his desk to just take a seat and relax--

It was at this point that he noticed the box on his desk, a strong red ribbon sloppily tied onto what seemed to be a box made out of repurposed, painted cardboard. Putting his bag down beside his chair, he moved closer to investigate what it was. Obviously, it seemed to be a Valentine’s gift, but he had no idea who it could be from-- sure, he’d had the odd run-in with the other girls in the school, but he kept to himself and that only left two others. Even then, Takane didn’t seem to be anywhere this morning, and the only way Ayano could’ve gotten the chocolate into a school she didn’t even attend would be through her father, which seemed a bit peculiar in general.

Pushing his thoughts aside, he untangled the bow and placed it gently on the table beside the box. In the middle of reaching for the lid, he paused, a quick look around confirming that he was still alone in the classroom. At this rate, Takane was going to be late for class, but he figured she must’ve just slept in again - besides, it was a bit more concerning that their teacher still hadn’t shown up, other than to unlock the class, apparently. Haruka hoped he wasn’t being chewed out by the principal again, but he wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out to be the case.

Returning to the box, he finally shimmied the lid off. His first observation: there was no note inside, which continued to answer absolutely none of his questions. The second thing he noticed was the chocolate itself - only one, which wasn’t a surprise considering the small size of the box, but it was a rather large hunk of it. It was molded into what seemed to be a heart shape, but the clumsiness of the form gave away that it was homemade. Haruka felt his face get a bit hotter, but reassured himself that it meant nothing. But if there was one person who he wouldn’t mind getting chocolate from...

No, he shook his head before he could get too embarrassed. He’d always heard that home-made chocolate was only for special gifts, but he was sure there must be plenty of girls who did it for friends, too. No, no, he was already jumping to conclusions. It didn’t seem like a prank, Ayano certainly didn’t seem the type to have her father leave him a mystery gift, and… well, he was pretty sure Takane couldn’t bake, or at least she claimed she wasn’t good at it. Who did that even leave?

“G’morning, Haruka.”

Haruka whipped around at the sound of Takane’s voice, and she paused mid-step to stare at him like he was an alien. He was still holding the box, and he slowly loosened his clenched hands after being scared half to death by her appearance.

“U-um… good morning!” He gulped, struggling against the rasp in his throat.

“Uhh, yeah… You alright? You look fucking terrified. Did something happen?”

He nodded too vigorously, having to fidget with his hair to get it out of his eyes afterwards. “Yeah, um, don’t worry about it! Just, y’know, the way you showed up so suddenly… made me feel like my heart stopped, haha.” He instantly regretted the joke, the obvious fear on her face making him feel worse about his own health. But, no, this wasn’t the time, he reminded himself. It was a tasteless gag, and it didn’t merit moping over.

“Oh, uh, fuck, sorry. Didn’t mean to, um… yeah.” She paused, for perhaps a bit too long. “A-anyways, what’re you holding? Looks, um, looks like a box.”

Haruka gulped, glad to switch topics, but not quite so glad that it was this topic. “Y-yeah, I found it on my desk this morning… It’s got a chocolate in it, but no note. When did you get to school? Did you see anyone put it here…?” He instantly realized his question was idiotic, considering she hadn’t even been around to walk to school with him, but it was too late to take it back.

She looked a little overwhelmed by all the questions, or at least that was what Haruka assumed. “N-nah, just got here. But hey, chocolate? What are you, Haruka, a player? Next week I’m gonna walk in here and find half the school fawning over you, huh?”

“N-no! Takane, it’s not like that! Don’t say stuff like that…” Her teasing grin didn’t make him feel any better, and he sighed as he returned the box to his desk and neatly placed the lid back on top. “W-whatever. I just hope whoever it was tells me so I can thank them…”

She stared, but he missed it. “Yeah, well, good luck. More importantly, where the fuck is Kenjirou? He’s, like, twenty minutes late…”

The morning passed as usually as “usual” was in their tiny, stuffy classroom, which consisted mainly of their teacher whining about all the rules he had to follow (this time, it was over how he’d broken fire safety regulations), followed by a lazy two hours of class, and then lunch.

“Should I…?” Haruka gestured to the chocolate in the middle of break.

Takane directed her horrified gaze at his empty bento, mouthing “It’s only been ten fucking minutes…” before bothering to actually reply. “Well… like… isn’t it rude to the girl if you don’t? I-I mean, even if she doesn’t know.”

“Well…” He looked down at the chocolate heart, slightly deformed as it was. “I guess you’re right? Besides… it looks good.”

As he nibbled at the pointed tip of the heart, Takane found herself watching him with a bit too much glee in her heart.

“Jesus… this crush is gonna fucking kill me…” Takane said it under her breath, too low for Haruka to hear over his preoccupation with the chocolate, but she still turned to face the other way beforehand.

Haruka paused, in the middle of taking his second bite. “Mm? Did you say something, Takane?”

With the speed that her head whipped around, it was a miracle that she didn’t hurt her neck. “N-no! I was just saying that that chocolate looks good… Wait! No! I don’t want any of yours. It’s probably too, uh, sugary and gross.”

“Um… well… alright! But it tastes really nice, actually… Eheh.”

He smiled goofily, and the corner of her mouth quirked in response.

“It’s too bad she didn’t leave a note, huh.”

[oneness913-blog]

What did you do in 2017 that you'd never done before?

  Writing a grant, managing budget, crowdfunding, giving a serious (normative) gift to Sarasa (last year she was perplexed with a pair of glass sandal), Starting a master’s degree, making a pledge to become a teacher in Japan, Being a camp leader, BBQ on the beach with Sarasa, Volunteering, Spending a full week with the same kids, Paying for tuition, Getting on a train just to get a fresh air, Buying a monthly train pass, Watching the entire episodes of Doctor Who within two weeks. Hanging out with James’ sister. Keeping track of daily expenses (barely). Trying to recruit undergrads to form a squad to make an impact in child welfare. Going to a friend’s funeral.

New places I visited: Totsukawa village in Nara, Chikusa in Hyogo, Child Care home, reformatory, more than 30 different schools, Noto (Ishikawa pref).

Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   My resolution for 2017 was, probably, to write reflections often, and that is exactly one thing I wish I had done more. All anxious feelings for the future is circular in nature and reflecting more through writing would have helped avoid it. I will totally make more new year’s resolutions, and will try harder to keep it. It’s about time to consciously structure life!

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

-More music in life (didn’t know how music could uplift my feeling!)!

- courage and confidence to actually do things that are wanted by me.

-time to sit down and write

-daily planning of how to spend time

-more chats with friends from wes

-going to rando local meetup events

What date(s) from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   -Sep 25 to Oct 1: A week of internship at a local elementary school made me absolutely fall in love with hanging out with 6th graders, and this led me to get elementary school teaching license.

  -Sep 15: Former Cross st. neighbor Matt Burgunder visited Osaka and we talked about deep shit over sake. This day was the day I heard I got a grant. Matt and I opened up and became closer, and that was awesome, fun thing.

  -Nov 10 Xian visited Osaka, and we ate a bunch of foodies and talked lots. I was very, very happy to be able to reconnect with Xian again, a while after graduation. We discovered that Pizza-okonomiyaki was the best thing to eat in Osaka.

   What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   -coordinating a US-Japan youth exchange program to tackle cyberbullying. The challenges included communication with a variety of people and institutions, managing budget, facilitating high school students’ discussions while simultaneous interpreting.

What was the best thing you bought?

  -a beautiful (?) pair of piercing for Sarasa. I feel like a boyfriend now. hahaha. And a work table from IKEA. It was Sarasa’s suggestion (or order) and was totally, absolutely worth the money. I can watch Doctor Who so much more comfortably.

Where did most of your money go?

   drinking and eating out with friends, coffee at cafes, traveling with Sarasa.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    Traveling to Kanazawa with Sarasa, giving her a (real) present for Christmas/Three year anniversary. This reflection has made me realize I am much more of a romantic (?) or a family guy than I thought. LOL

What song(s) will always remind you of 2016?

       Honestly, no song is attached to 2016.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? thinner or fatter? richer or poorer?

I am slightly, but very meaningfully, richer. at least money wise, thanks to some of the project incomes. Sarasa says my tummy is becoming like a young child’s and I must hit the gym, and I have registered for a membership but have been lazier than ever. I should reflect on this later. Speaking of happiness, I am definitely happier because I are a little more sure of what I want for my career (teaching). Around this time last year I was debating whether I should fly away and disappear into rural cities in Mexico. Now I am serious thinking about finding a teaching-related career there. Sarasa is going to graduate and come back to Japan soon and that is making me feel so much more hopeful for the future. I probably got a little more used to long-distance. I have never recommended it to anyone though.

Having met a lot of young people and remembering each kid as a whole set of personality and face makes me feel like I exist in this world. The idea of educating to change the world is nothing compared to three or four real persons speaking to you in your head whenever you try to recall. Working with them has boosted my self-efficacy as well.

What do you wish you'd done more of?

Exercise!!!! I should have done more bouldering. I get shy going to gyms in general for an unknown reason but I’ll break out of the shell. Reading more books with some directions of learning would have made this year much richer in general. Both fiction and nonfiction. And going to bed early. I am definitely aging and feel exhausted after doing nothing until late at night.

On a side note, I wish I had double checked schedules before booking flights.

Plus, I wish I had studied Spanish. Maybe I’ll make that my New Year’s resolution.

What do you wish you'd done less of?

   Thinking (or talking to myself) without writing down. I wasted a lot of time lamenting the sad reality and status quo of people or norms I encountered on a daily basis, obviously in vain.

    If I write down thoughts and stay objective about them, I would have developed real plans to improve whatever I didn’t like, or at least be convinced and move on to newer topics of thinking. That’ll be my new year’s resolution

  Browsing through social media as if some posts will answer my questions. Now I know it won’t.

Did you fall in love in 2016? 

I feel like I know Jenna Coleman personally after watching Doctor Who straight up.

How many one-night stands?

     hmmmmm actually, zero.

What was your favorite TV program?

   To reiterate, Doctor Who is the best thing that happened. It is holding my mental sanity. Nigeruwahajidaga Yakunitatsu was helpful in seriously considering life in marriage.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Once Erin Chase told me hate is toxic. Since then whenever I am inclined to hate someone I try indifference instead. I grew indifferent to my relationship with a person this year.

What was/were the best book(s) you read?

   Kasai No Hito [people of family court]. It is a series of comic books that feature a family court judge who restores youth who committed crimes and resolves conflicts of married couples trying to divorce through using metaphors of plants. In the justice system where legal solutions are primary means to “resolve” issues, he is an inspiring counselor-judge who is always watering plants, hiking, and not doing much reading and end up saving lives of those who come to the family court. His words are oddly wise and that was my favorite part.

What were your greatest musical discoveries?

  I can’t think of anything.

What did you want and get?

   I wanted to find a topic of research or interest that is very grabbing. I didn’t find it. Instead, I learned a lot of small facts about child welfare, youth psychology, education systems, etc. And my relationship with Sarasa has become more stable.

What was your favorite film of this year?

Moonlight. I usually watch tons of scifi films, but this film led me to reinforce my interest in welfare. It was viewing black communities as just communities, not black communities. In other words, it invited me into the community and experience it.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    I was facilitating elementary school kids’ discussions on how they are going to teach smartphone rules to even younger children in Kobe. I think they celebrated my birthday, and I was so happy. I turned 25, still unbelievable. 

What did you do for the New Year, Valentine’s, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, and any other holidays?

   New Year: I reluctantly and thus very slowly studied for an entrance exam to master’s program.

   Valentine’s: I forgot its existence, which exploded Sarasa and she almost broke up with me. So as a token of apology, I sent her a bottled wine with a photo of us in it. To make sure I forgot about it, I printed the date as February 15. LOL

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

  making new local friends to share intellectual and reflective discussions, or doing these things with friends scattered around the world. Now I know this is the most important thing to my life.

  What kept you sane? 

  Monthly hangouts with a friend from Wes. Every month, someone came to visit me. Yvonne, Xian, Matt, Sarasa, thank you! And my family’s constant support is always underrated. Caught up with my personal petty anxiety, reading New York Times and other critical articles on the devastating reality of the world, from changing political climate to humanitarian crises, woke me up and put me right. This was big. Also almost daily skype with Sarasa is the basis of my sanity.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

  Jenna Coleman. It was my first time ever googling a celebrity’s name.

Who did you miss?

  Sarasa and all my friends with whom I share deep shit. I miss prof. Miller too. hahaha

Who was the best new person you met?

Sarah, who is helping out the US-Japan youth exchange program. She is always on top of shit and is truly excited to see the kids grow. Definition of trust.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017:

   Sensation fades. Act before thinking, and you will feel joy.

What were your inner conflicts you could not resolve in 2017?

  It is the same conflict that I have been facing all years since college. Do I want to pursue teaching-related work or literature/history related work. But! Writing this made me realize I held a false belief that by getting a teaching experience in Japan I will lose chances to extensively read, write and discuss philosophy, intellectual history and literature in career. Whenever I get bored from finishing tasks related to teaching path, I feel awfully misplaced and am taken over by the nostalgia of intellectual conversations with friends at Wes.

  However, one thing that is clear is that I can continue reading and writing on history and intellectual history through working as a teacher. Let’s not forget that.

  Plus, is nostalgia a proof that I would enjoy going back to academia? What does it mean to read and write and discuss academically?

  Another  conflict I have always had is to live in Japan or in other countries... This has too many factors and everything depends, so I should get over this conflict and be always specific when thinking about locations of residency. And I want to use English, rather than Japanese, for my critical inquiry.

2018 2019               

-get licenses

-intl. exchange program experience

-psych research

-explore topics to inquire about (sociology? contemporary history?)

2020 --> 2022

-teach at elementary/reformatory

-Find what to do next

-Try to produce knowledge (research in psych? soci?)

2023 (age 31)

-PhD in Europe or US

or

-NGO in Mexico --> UNICEF and development career?

2026 (age 34)

-get a teaching position at a university (might not be possible though, with the rise of online education opportunities)

and -Found an organization that does something fun

or

-work for intl. organization while conducting research

2030 (age 40)

-??? cannot even imagine.

What did you like about the projects your worked on? What aspects of those projects do you wish to continue? What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

1. AK Youth Exchange Project

I liked being paid for the work that helps solve problems that could lead some youth to suicide. It was fun to be the only culturally fluent person to facilitate discussions. Particularly, kids on my side are excited, and I enjoyed being able to be part of the team that can give them this opportunity to them. It feels great to be able to contribute to a local village initiative (Chikusa) that has educational resources that can enrich the lives that touch them. Using my skills to uplift kids with lower self esteem also made me feel good. Writing grant and answering many questions from the grant-giving organization was energy consuming, I think I was able to learn valuable lessons of what to say to whom so that I can invite them into my own world.   I did not like that I had to be swung from left to right by a couple of people who exert age-based authority. I also hate that I do not have a say to certain parts of the project because I am a student. I do not necessarily seek for the highest leadership position, at least I wish I was part of all conversations. I hated being treated as a person who does not have the deciding power. Particularly, the process of paying for my income was not sufficiently explained, and it is still delayed. Those in authority of protecting human rights in Japan are neglecting one of the most important duties. This drives me crazy, I get furious every time I give a thought to this. I will always exchange contracts when there is a salary involved. People really do not care. And be a person who cares. All of the delays could have been avoided if we all met regularly. The problem is that these people say they commit to this without having the necessary time or will to do so. I can’t stand having to be the only listener when I am the youngest. Hate it so much.I would like to continue working on giving chances for youth to think and speak freely about problems and participate in the ecosystem of politics. I guess this is sort of fighting ageism.I hope to do more of intellectualizing this practice-- maybe write a piece to analyze the ecology of this project? Why not! This may lead to a practice report to be published somewhere, talk to Prof. Bauman about it?I was very happy to meet some of the new team members. I would like to continue meeting those who have interests in making the world a better place for disadvantaged youth. It felt nice to connect to a scholar over many rounds of online conferences. I also love traveling, which is so important to my life. I would like to devise more projects that have travel components!! 

2. Getting a teaching license in elementary, junior high and high schooI liked that I had something that would give me a paycheck in a couple of years. One class on human rights was quite an informative and inspiring one in that it taught me precursors who were working for disadvantaged youth and family in rural Japan. That is one reason I can be proud of being a Japanese person.Most of the classes were terrible in that many scholars speak of their ill-informed self-indulgent lectures. Besides understanding the sad reality of malfunctioning academia in Japan, I learned nothing.I wish to continue learning the history of human rights-oriented teachers in the past, and present, globally. That is something that pushes me to work hard to work for disadvantaged people in general. My struggle, in the new lens I just through of, is my tendency to connect with those in the past, rather than those in the present. Or is that what I hope is the case to be the heroin of tragedy?I also have to admit that some classes from Seisa were quite informative in terms of history of education in Japan, as well as what the gov’t has done in shaping the direction of curriculum, effective teaching methods of science and math. That’s not nothing, probably useful skills, but I’m not sure if I can say I fully enjoyed it.

3. Seminars to children and parents 

I definitely enjoyed traveling on train! Train rides make me feel like I am important and so does wearing suits. Pay was very good and I am thankful for that. Conversations with school principals have been somewhat fun, although they aren’t really intellectual. Many of them seem to be swung by newspaper headlines instead of deeply analyzing the reality...  I also enjoyed speaking to an audience of parents and children. The content was developed by Takeuchi-sensei and speaking his content makes me feel like I am doing something good to society, but the thought that it is not mine lingers on. I guess I am learning how to speak, behave and stuff, just instruments. I don’t expect too much from this besides these learning and pay.  I did not like that it was not my original work and that the conversations aren’t so abstract. There isn’t many critical arguments, just questions for the audience. I wish there was more of an discussion that I could provoke in the audience, but to be honest most of the arguments are just plain normative thoughts. I want radical thoughts that change the way I view reality. I want change. I guess boredom overclouds me here.I would like to continue making money from these, but would like to dramatically change slides. At least for children, I want to engage more with them to check the possibility of radical and critical thinking.

4. Flattering Prof. Takeuchi’s students 

  I admit I find it rewarding to engage in conversations with them through critical assessment of the organization. I just complain how authoritarian and dogmatic the organization is in the form of constructive criticism, and I am not sure if some of the sophomores felt my negativity. Talking with sophomores is sometimes fun but I wish we had more of critical discussions on anything. Many students try to say things that please Takeuchi-sensei and I hate that. I would like to be more critical and original in any speech I make and I believe that is how I contribute in general.

I do not desire going to their spring camp and be part of their leadership because I don’t really see myself creating a youth organization where members are uncritical. I also want to discuss intellectual, more challenging things with people who have vocabulary. 

I would like to continue going to smartphone summits occasionally to hear the changing relationships between emerging technology and lives of young people. Besides that, I think I am done and now is the time to move on to my passion, using the communication skills I acquired from these programs.

5. “offline” summer camp

I definitely enjoyed investing my time and energy in working with some of the youth who are struggling with parental over-managing, lack of social skills, lack of communication with parents, etc. When it came down to was their social life problems. It was very inspiring to see that kids who lacked skills to engage with others in effective ways came to be able to do that in 5 days, through extensive chats, play, discussions and simply living together in nature. Structured counseling-like programs also helped them face their problems and claimed the courage to get over.

I enjoyed seeing how kids’ behavior changed, and their emotional energy, not fully expressed, was very pleasant to feel. The camp master’s lessons on “life” felt quite meaningful to be part of, like killing fish taking life and continue the circle of life. What is the point of life?

I was so happy to be able to connect to a girl that at first I didn’t feel would connect to very deeply. She seemed so shy, didn’t talk much, and didn’t show facial expressions. But she cried when I gave her a farewell letter. It taught me that being able to express is a skill that not everyone has the privilege to have. But so what? How much do I care about it? Maybe it was fun but I guess this is sort of like my hobby?

I did not like how youth services people had to call college facilitators over to a kid who was actually intentionally left alone because he was tired of socializing only to show their boss that kids are being cared for. I would argue that an intellectual, confident move would have been to explain fully to their boss that these college facilitators are strategic about engaging with kids, and ask them to articulate their strategies later. I know people aren’t perfect, but it made me angry and Prof should have confronted it. I wish there was more of a critical discussions, rather than top-down advising from camp leaders and adults to youth, honestly. I want more democratic organizational structures with high, and diverse abilities.

“You told me I should be kind to myself. But you should also be more kind to yourself.” -In a letter from a student.

She might have identified the darkness that clouds my path ahead, that I do not know how to satisfy myself. It is true. I do not know what makes me happy honestly. What makes me happy? Writing like this soothes me and makes me feel like I matter to myself. How can I make myself matter to myself?? That is the question this student taught me to think about.

Not sure if summer camps would be my thing, but I would like to continue engaging very deeply with others. Because by doing so, she tried to wonder about my nature and offered such an insightful letter to me. This is a very, very important question to myself. Care for self, and think about what to do that can make me care for myself.

Well but still the song-singing felt so touching and it restored my faith in some of the basic values of being in company with others, having nice friendships.

6. Facilitation for youth programs

  There were some moments I felt quite fulfilling when I was able to help kids be vulnerable and open up. It was also rewarding to compliment them and they seemed really happy and became confident in what they do.

  And the topics included addiction to cyberbullying and usokoku and those are serious concerns for youth. I felt that by being part of the programs that help youth and adults understand the status quo of cyber life, I mattered to the world. That is a great feeling. However, I wish I would be able to feel more Adrenalin pumping though. In other words, although I felt I mattered to the world, I did not matter to myself. To my self, I wasn’t great enough; should my assessment scale be changed or my actions changed?

I would like to continue participating in these programs to better understand both changing and unchanging truth about human lives. but what is actually it that would make me feel like I matter to myself?

7. Volunteer at Kodomohiroba

  This is one of the biggest reasons I feel I would enjoy becoming a school teacher. Every time, I stepped closer to opening up the students who are totally at a loss; parents have brought them to Japan with their reasons and put in school systems that do not have the sufficient support system. But some students seemed so happy talking with me who tries to connect with them through variety of means. It’s like the kids were waiting for me to touch their lives. Maybe they were waiting FOR me to touch their lives so that I can feel like I matter to myself. At the end of each volunteer, I always feel fulfilled, having done great things. Why? It’s not an academic discussion, but I just really enjoy that informal mingling with kids who have different backgrounds and see them open up to me. It’s kind of like me traveling to other countries and meeting with young locals (esp. Mexico) and connecting with them.

I will absolutely continue to volunteer at this organization and find what makes me feel that I matter to myself. Or just simply joy? Is a simply joy enough?

I also enjoyed working with people of various ages and occupations. It is an environment where I can stay faithful in people’s care for civil duty and philanthropy.

I did not like how understanding of students isn’t systematically shared. Maybe I would step up and suggest creating a database of students’ needs, study skills and backgrounds. A

8. Volunteer at elementary schools

It was as joyful as to forget my feeling of being misplaced. I liked my social skills developed a bond with many children. When it comes to building ties, the teachers weren’t an exception. Being able to connect with people as human beings is a rewarding experience. I was particularly happy that children found me interesting, and I found them interesting. With this mutual act of finding each other simply interesting, I cannot help but be nostalgic of the unforgettable sensation and the feeling of my existence mattering to myself through reflective conversations with friends. Maybe I like to be reflective and understand something deep in human thoughts? This leads me to think of reformatory education as one of my potential career paths again. 

I also enjoyed thinking about the role of music in children’s development. From music classes to sports day activities, music seemed to play a large role in facilitating the construction of ties among children. 

There isn’t much I did not like about this project, I think. I would like to continue visiting the elementary school and analyze in what way I want to work with people.

9. Working with UNICEF

I liked that I am working with an intl. organization. That’s cool because it is a symbol of globalization and celebration of cultural diversity. I enjoyed having conversations with some of the smarter people too. Working with UNICEF helped me contextualize seemingly trivial voices of youth I hear hear and there in the changing dialogues of human rights protection.

If possible I would like to keep learning about what is going on around the world. I would love to intern at either in Japan office, NY office or in Mexico to better understand what international organizations can and cannot do, and see how much I like being part of them.

What other projects do you wish you’d done more of?

-I wish I had done more reflective writing and talking. This is to identify project ideas that ring my bell. I am looking for ways to use my life so that I feel I matter to myself.

(Be concrete)

-reading history books for pleasure

-Investment

-read more in psychology, criminology, developmental psych, etc, especially reformatory education-related stuff

-Launch statistical analyses projects

-

New world of career in 2018?

-internship at ...

--> reformatory? can I work with youth on reflection?

-volunteer at...

-try to meet with ...

[maximus31]

As I land in Medellín after the quick 45 minute journey from Bogotá my hangover of the year seems to be passing. Thank you Latam Airways for changing my seat to an exit seat at the gate.

There are two options to make the 45 minute journey from the airport to Medellín. The bus is 14,000cop / £3.70 and as expected had everyman and his wife, child and donkey are waiting in the queue; or a white airport taxi that is 75,000cop £19 with no queue.

Hangover not completely averted and the thought of the Hotel pool, I go for the taxi. Forty five minutes of pure hell, holding down the vomit with each turn and bend as we go up one side and down the other side of a mountain.

I finally arrive at my last attempt of luxury and check into the Dann Carlton Belfort 5 star. It would seem the higher the star, the lesser the trust. I paid for my 2 nights in full at check in and made it to my room, with a massive bed and a shower big enough for the Colombian football team I was happy.

Unfortunately this 5 star establishment doesn’t permit guests of guests unless details and passport documents are taken. So no football team for me. Instead I get room service, watch some columbian tv and crash. Obviously I checked out the local talent too 😜 via my orange local guide app.

It’s my first full day in Medellín and im excited about seeing the city, I had arranged to meet Olivia and Luke who were friends of friends from London at the museum of Modern Art.

Feeling a bit museum fatigued I decline to join them inside, so we caught up in the local park, where to my delight I am informed that all parks in Medellín have free wifi.  I wonder off and head into Poblado the epi centre for tourists and familiar myself with the surroundings. Already I am getting a completely different vibe to Bogotá, and I like it,  I like it a lot.

Evening arrives and I meet up with Olivia and Luke for food and drinks fresh from their kickstarter video, they fill me in on there fact finding mission about the Colombian narcos trade and the effects on the local community. The stuff you don’t hear on the walking tours.

Hearts and red balloons are everywhere, it turns out it’s Valentine’s Day, but Colombians are inclusive, in tell me its for friendship as well as love. The Bars and Restaurants around Parque lleras are packed with tourists and locals, you can feel the energy.  After dinner the guys decide to call it a night, but after quite a few margaritas I have the party spirit in me.

Sitting alone in a bar taking cover from the monsoon like rain pouring down outside, I check on my local guide app. Before I know it the guy on the next table has messaged me, so I message back. Turns out he can’t speak English and my Spanish was still to rocky to enter in conversation, so we translate using google.

I join him and his mates and go to the club upstairs for a dance. I meet a couple from New York and their friends and we dance and drink and dance and drink. Not content with our fill, we demand more from our local friends. Where to next we ask.

Six of us pile into the smallest taxi and head over the river to a bar/restaurant that was packed to the rafters (I cant remeber its name). A bottle of rum later (I hate rum) and few more hours of dancing I’m feeling woosey, and make my way back to the hotel at 8:30am. Suffice to say the next day was spent by the pool writing last weeks update.

Monday comes and so to does my first day at Spanish school, having decided to do three weeks of school while in Medellín. My poor tutor Hugo, I think he thought he was getting someone far more advanced.

It turns out the online tutorials of daily Duolingo hasn’t made me 30% fluent the lying son of a… but I’m determined and ready to learn. The El Dorado Spanish School in Envigado is great and at a great price. One on one, 3 hours a day, 4 days a week 320,000cop / £80.

By Thursday my brain is well and truly fried from all the new information and my frustration was getting the better of me. I needed some fun.

Through the free walking tour  of Medellín, which I might add is well worth doing to get to know your way around the city. You see first hand the struggles of the past and understand the amazing journey, from the most violent city in the world to the city it is today, open to anyone.

As you may have noticed when on organised tours I tend to get talking to people and make them my new traveling buddies. This tour was no different and my new buddies and I decided to go to a salsa club. For those of you that know me, you know I love to dance 💃.

Son Havana was perfect, full of locals dancing salsa to a live salsa band. Sylvia my new Dutch friend showed me the main salsa steps and before I knew it my hips and legs were moving in time. I loved it and can’t wait to do it again.

Talk of paragliding the previous night turned into seven of us actually heading up to the top of Medellín, strapping up and taking the plunge. I can honestly say I have never been so at peace, being 3500m in the air, with birds flying below and no sound other than the wind whistling past your ears, an truly amazing experience. I can see why the instructor is happy to make 36 trips in one day. It is an experience not to be missed. 145,000cop £36 or 165,000 cop £45 with an SD card for videos. We used Zona de Vuelo, but there are a few outfits that can be used that take off form the same place.

DCIM955GOPRO

DCIM955GOPRO

Saturday like for so many in the world is a day for football, and no where more so than in Colombia are they mad for it. Me on the other hand, only ever watches England play in the Euro or World cups and thats normally only a maximum of four games, as they tend to get knocked out by some other country quite early on.

Fast forward and it’s 4pm in the stadium, I’m wearing my newly purchased Medelliín home shirt (my first ever), standing on the seats with 20 or so other foreign travellers and 16,000 Medellín supporters.

The atmosphere and passion was electric, with their own brass band in the terrace and 16,000 fans singing chants at the tops of their voices, jumping up and down on their seats, it was like nothing else I had witnessed before. Within 10 minutes a spectator was stretched off by an ambulance crew, due to falling from the upper terrace from too much excitement.

The Medellín fans put a lot of time into creating the chants, a shame the players didn’t spend as much time on their game. They just didn’t know how run forward or kick into the box. When the away team scored, there was and eerie silence, as only home team fans can spectate in Colombia. So after the second goal scored by the away team, the chanting and stamping got louder and finally Medellín scored with 6 minutes to full time. Sadly not enough to win.

One thing I have learnt about Colombians and especially Paisan´s, is that they are full of optimism and will celebrate the smallest of wins, especially in the hardest of times. This mentality has certainly proved to serve Medellín very well.

Its Saturday night and I have been invited to a BBQ by the friends of one of my local guides Kevin. We turn up to what can only be described as one of the best penthouse apartments ever. It’s has everything, the view, the cinema , the jacuzzi; oh and racing pigeons.

As always I was made so welcome by the hosts and all their friends, it’s just the Colombian way. I think the giant bottle of aguardiente certainly helped.

Tales of Coloumbia cont… As I land in Medellín after the quick 45 minute journey from Bogotá my hangover of the year seems to be passing.