#abusedandconfused

[borderlineangeldisorder]

Im so sick of this life

I didnt choose the abuse the trauma the circumstances of my family my upbringing

I was forced to endure

Im not stronger

Im so tired I dont want this life that was forced apon me

What am i greatful for

So many things

But every single one is darkened beneath the life i was forced to accept

[borderlineangeldisorder]

So I'm doing it finally taking charge and actually indulging in what I think I may enjoy I'm buying the clothes I actually want to wear Do my hair and make up how I want too ENJOYING my time my hobbies I've had to hide in fear of embarrassment or shame from him I can laugh freely without being hushed or ridiculed for my sense of humor

I can be as colorful as I want and comfortable without being made fun of over it I can wear my soft pink sweater and not be told to change I can buy what I want and even all that I need without being told it's wrong and stupid

I'm no longer being watched by his cameras or his seemingly all knowing mind I've broken free

Well truthfully he broke me free by leaving

He left and it took the chains he hooked into my being with him It tore and it hurt but after the fall of the break I could breath and I could see And oh how light I feel I am no longer pressed under his judgment and anger

I could breath and I know he saw me breath I couldn't help but to laugh at how it was all finally over and I was free

We both know the only other way out was him killing me

But he left because even he couldn't do such a tragedy He claimed he would have been happy as sad men do

I'm living happier then forever it seems

I can dance and listen to my music sing along just a slight off key but free so it sounds just so sweet

[borderlineangeldisorder]

You want to be dead and I wish it was true

We are not the same

[borderlineangeldisorder]

A Hearts Transcript

September 8, 2022

He texted me 'by accident' when replying to ■■■■■■■ on facebook messenger ? He waits 24 hours to respond so 'she knows she's not a priority' But shouldn't she already know that ?

Never told his tattoo artist he has a gf because 'it didn't come up' even though she managed to make it obvious (but on the real downlow, so only he got it) that she wanta to fuck him now. He's known her for 10 + years. Tried to fuck her but couldn't because 'her pussy is too tight she needed surgery'

Now he thinks it's funny to 'mess with her' because 'he doesn't want too' but thinks it's funny she wants to. Still, though, she has had no idea he was dating me because 'it never came up.' But her relationship with her awful relationship with her fiance kept coming up.

■■■■■■■ he doesn't talk to her 'all that much' anymore because I don't like it.

Also will only stop seeing this tattoo artist if I tell him to. Not because he wants to (to be courteous of my feelings) stop seeing her but because I tell him not to. I told him to do whatever he wants to do. It will just show me how much he cares about my feelings.

Just laughs if I tell him how if any of these situations were reversed he wouldn't even have it.

Like the only reason he doesn't talk to his ex ●●●●●● is because I wouldn't like it. Not because he didn't want to on his own feelings. Nope. He wants to keep talking to all these girls. But doesn't Only because I get upset if he does.

I deleted his ex after I found out he repeatedly hit her up while we first were (already) together. I'm not friends with any exes on social media.

[borderlineangeldisorder]

I'm lost and yet finding more of myself than I've had this entire time

[borderlineangeldisorder]

Well i finally blocked him on facebook ... im still connected thru snapchat because i know he will show up at my place and demand answers and idk what to do ive triggered myself with tbis and i cant barelt breath i didnt realise how scared i was until now i want to cry anx throw up and die before he can do anything to me my head hurts im scared oh why am i like how i am Him trhing to tell me abiut finding the basic sulympatby deceloped in the first grade really made me recoil and want to run so now i am running i ghess away from his influence but ive done things with him thag i can never talk about nevause who does that he told me how he cares about me but only is using me while he can because i owe him that from my own bullshit which wasnt bull it was me begging him not to lie to me or hide things from me which were all women secret friendssssss and telling these kther gjrls all about me and my priblems and how he has me trained and its patheti. Im patbwtic i know he hates me and only want s me to he miserable and alone but thr love i had fkr him kept me there The inly constant anchor in a stomr of his own creation i cant see straught im lightheaded what is this the freeze after the fight im so tired now and scared ill listen to him i dont want to isten

[borderlineangeldisorder]

Oh my gosh! I just remembered he started by telling me he "suffers from schizophrenia" and when i told him No You dont becauae my own flesh and blood cousin is schizo and he isnt who i grew up with So when i told him No he went "well i just can control it" and i was jaw dropped broken on the floor and he continued on into discovering the empathy and the child slaves in China.