#absolutely ridiculous that I’ve lived in nyc my whole life and have never seen a show on broadway

[cedrc-diggory]

having book of mormon be the first show i see on broadway was such a great choice !! literally the best experience ever

[1zashreena1]

Diego Requests an Audience -1

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess gets the rich bad boy equivalent of a call the next day from what she thought was a fairy tale of a one night stand.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and 'the code is more like guidelines' outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Mentions of drugs/alcohol use, no actual smut in this one but references to multiple forms of sexual activity with m/f dynamics, plus size woman+fit man, early stage sugar daddy vibes, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings... I mean, its DIEGO

A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me. If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I'm not a fan of "plot" so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

Constructive criticism is always welcome. I'm an old timer at Fandom but a baby content creator.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read @chelsfic Princess pieces first, that is the beginning.

https://chelsfic.tumblr.com/post/613340476058304512/princess-for-1zashreena1-diego-jimenez-x

https://chelsfic.tumblr.com/post/618297838815920128/princess-awakes-diego-jim%C3%A9nez-x-reader-ficlet

Last thing before Murder Panther, I promise!

Huge, tremendous, throbbing THANK YOU to @chelsfic​ !  My fanfic creator mommy, I could not and would not have done this without you or your devious reverse psychology  You're gonna have to thwack me super duper hard with a rolled up newspaper to get rid of me because ily.

Massive shoutouts to @symbiont13​ @rosee-sensuelle​ @bunnykjm​ @mandoplease​ @nicke0115​ (y’all know what you did)

You're sitting in your car on your lunch break listening to the same song for the seventh time in a row because that is a thing that you do. When you like something, you like it. The song has pounding bass, if you close your eyes you can almost imagine being in a club. You never did get to do much of that, your twenties were spent working two jobs and sleeping in your car sometimes, so your just passed birthday weekend escapade was really something else. You've never done anything like that before and it was-

Ding-DING

Your phone chirps with a text message from an unknown number. You peer at the screen with a furrowed brow, I don't know anyone in California, must be a wrong number. You open the message cautiously, who knows what kind of weirdness it might be. 

Good morning Princess

What. No. There is no way. Absolutely not possible. Un uhh. Nope.

You should come back to NYC. I want to have you again.

Holy fucking shit. Its really him. It's Diego. Its Diego of the big brown eyes, even bigger hands, and absolutely the biggest cock you have ever seen. Diego viciously-gorgeous stupefyingly-rich incredibly-dangerous exhaustingly-insatiable Jimenez. 

Whom you most definitely did not Google upon your return home only to discover that he is an international criminal. Yeah, he's criminally hot.

You really do wish that little voice in the back of your mind was helpful. 

Yes, but he was nice to you. Really not helpful. How many times did you even come that night? There was the bed, the floor, over the back of the sofa, the kitchen counter (which he referred to as 'snack time' because he ate, and wasn't that adorable), and then that kiss/invasion of your oral cavity before you left. After he made you breakfast. And gave you a pair of Ugg boots that were magically in your size because it was cold out. Okay, so he was REALLY nice.

Wait. I didn't give him my number, what the fuck.

Hi Diego

And you hit send before you can stop yourself. What in the actual fuck am I doing?

I knew you remembered me. 😉Come up here this weekend. I want you

He wants you. He said it himself. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. Like, want-want? He saw you naked in broad daylight so he definitely knows what you look like. I want you, your mind just keeps repeating it. Hold up, is an international drug lord, cartel boss, top ten FBI most wanted man texting you with emojis???

I hadn't really budgeted on another trip so soon

Is that too much? Are you revealing your pathetic poor-ness and he definitely will not be into that?

Please🤚 Do you want to come?

Oh lordy, but he knows exactly how to word things. 

… I mean, yeah. Preferably repeatedly

Okay, yes, you've always been a pervert but something about this man only encourages you. Surely it wasn't how he laughed every time you made an innuendo. 

Then I've got you 💵😙 Princess👑

Do you want a hotel or stay with me?

Harrisburg is your nearest airport, yes?

Never before in your life have you had cause to use the word 'Baller' but here you are. Is he seriously going to fly me to him? Am I seriously going to go? What level of booty call is this?

Penthouse. Spoil me 😏

And yes Harrisburg. What are you going to do, fly me up there?? Lol

At this point you might as well see how far you can milk this. Also, apparently he knows where you live?

...yes. I have a private jet. I'll text you the info. We're going to have fun little girl😈

Well damn. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You send the entire conversation to Lisa in three screenshots. She calls you at 4:37 while she knows you're still in the car and you spend the entire drive home screaming together as best friends do. 

"I can't believe him! A private jet? Oh my god girl, you better bring home some stacks!"

"I know! Like, what the fuuuuuuuuuck! Lisa, Lisa, oh my god, Lis, what the hell should I pack?! Oh no, oh shit, I don't have any sexy pajamas!" Your high is coming crashing down. Its Tuesday, so you have two whole days to figure this out.

Her laughter is so loud it makes your speakers crackle. "After what you told me from that first night it sounds like you better pack a case of lube and an ice pack!" She dissolves into hysterics.

Well, she's not wrong. "Dude! I was so sore, I couldn't walk for days. This shit is BYOIP: Bring Your Own Ice Pack!" Lisa shrieks while you howl with laughter. 

"Okay, okay. Meet me at Macaroni Grill and we'll formulate a strategic plan of attack over carbs. We have to go to the Frederick's of Hollywood outlet." Lisa is already crafting a plan. 

"See, this is why you're my BFF!" You proclaim before you whip across three lanes of traffic to change course. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You take way more clothing than you could possibly need for a weekend but better safe than sorry. The private jet looks like it came straight out of a music video, you're afraid to even think about how much this costs. Hell, he even paid to have your car valet parked in the only locked and guarded parking garage at this tiny regional airport. There are all kinds of snacks and drinks on the plane, there's even a tiny galley and what looks like a daybed. Noted for later.

The driver who picks you up at the airstrip in New York is Bastian and he is pleasantly surprised that you talk to him. You're pleasantly surprised at how nice Escalades are on the inside. The last time you were in this vehicle you were a little, ahem, distracted.

Diego is extraordinarily pleased to see you wearing the Ugg boots he gave you. The man is all growly innuendo and (mostly) gentlemanly manners, the contrasts are mind-meltingly hot. The weekend passes in a blur of a good time; orgasms, a stroll through some really expensive stores, more orgasms, two clubs on Saturday night, another set of orgasms (Did I really let him finger me in a VIP booth??), your first time trying weed, a sleepy orgasm in a jacuzzi tub (Wet Diego, so gorgeous), the best brunch of your life, another first by having orgasms while on top of a man, and, just before you leave on Sunday evening, a very nice Brahmin purse that you gawked at in one of the stores on Saturday. 

Yet again, Diego corners you by the elevator and attempts to climb down your throat before you're allowed to leave. You have no complaints.

~~~~~~~~~~

The very next Monday you get an extremely sweet text very early in the morning thanking you for coming (all puns intended). Wednesday brings a cookie bouquet to your front door with a note stating that you don't seem like a flowers kind of girl. Incredibly early on Saturday morning is another text, he sounds like he might be a little drunk, confessing that he wants to do it again. 

You forward the message to Lisa with your own addition:

Look, all I'm saying is I'm gonna take this top shelf dick and all the gifts that come with it for as long as he wants to give it to me

It only progresses from there.

[aqvarius]

[WALKTHROUGH + REVIEW] Masquerade Kiss: Yuzuru Shiba Season 2

Expectations:

I just want to start off by saying that the prologue is absolutely outrageous. There are probably so many targets that hang around the EAC headquarters, especially since HQ is presumably 3 miles within the UN Headquarters and let’s not pretend that there isn’t at least one target going to work there everyday. I actually spent 30 mins on google maps street view trying to find exactly where this location is supposed to be modelled after so I could find all the companies and buildings that have potential targets and then just gave up lol. BUT either way, I refuse to believe that a top international intelligence agency would just go WARNING WARNING and go into emergency lockdown because a target entered a 3 mile radius of HQ. Ridiculous. Also, the letter from the EAC even in the Yuzuru prologue also calls her Arisa Mifune which is her Kazuomi alias lol.

EDIT: I found the location of that background which implies that EAC HQ is modelled after 2 Hammarskjold Plaza or somewhere near (which is right next to the British Consulate btw, how did MC not see that on her way to the building. Also conveniently near something called Japan Society.). Note the octagonal-roofed thing on the bottom left, the general shape of the building, the covered part of the building lobby, the blue sign (afaik street signs in NYC are green) and the position and shape of the building down the road. And I know I’m taking this whole thing way too seriously, but Jeffrey Epstein had a mansion about 2 miles away from here so this whole 3 mile emergency alert thing is just ridiculous. Sure, Epstein probably never existed in the world of Masquerade Kiss but come on, it is highly unlikely that not a single target lives, works or passes by for a kebab within a 3 mile radius of the EAC HQ.

With that out of the way, let’s talk Yuzuru. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to even play Masquerade Kiss ever again. I like most things about the game but Love Choice is honestly just a turn off and the only LC game that I am genuinely drawn to is actually Destind. But then I had 287 unused hearts because I bought a bunch of hearts with the intent of playing Kyogoku’s route in Romance MD (and then I didn’t because I actually just don’t like that game) so I decided to give it a shot. I actually (surprisingly?) prefer Kazuomi to Yuzuru as a character, but I like Yuzuru’s MC more than Kazuomi’s MC and I was intrigued that Voltage would push this whole love quadrangle thing. We’ve seen hyper-jealous Yuzuru before in a substory so I think I went into this route more interested in the plot aspect and to see how they would develop the kind of strange relationship between Yuzuru and his MC. I genuinely enjoyed Yuzuru’s S1 MS a lot and wanted to see how he and his MC would grow as a couple. Also I wanted to play it in order to write a review to bring some traffic back to my semi-hiatus stagnant blog lol. Please give this a like/reblog please I’m begging you please :’(

Keep reading to the walkthrough and review. I’ve calculated a way for you to get to EE with all CGs (50 hearts saved), SHE with CGs (83 hearts saved), or a cheapest overall option to SHE (107 hearts saved).

Stop scrolling after the walkthrough and guide if you haven’t yet played and don’t want the route to be spoiled.

Walkthrough:

Story 1:

Yes, we should keep an eye on him.

No, it’s not necessary

Story 2:

“You came to be with me.” (Love Meter +1) (6 hearts)

I can’t say.

Story 3:

I sign without hesitating.

I hesitate for a moment.

Story 4:

Text Yuzuru.

Don’t text him.

Story 5:

I’ll sign it. (Love Meter +1, CG) (13 hearts)

I’m not going to sign a New York contract.

 Story 6:

Casually intervene. (Love Meter +2) (11 hearts)

Pretend not to notice.

Story 7:

See him out without asking what’s wrong.

Ask what’s going on.

Story 8:

It’s payback time. (Love Meter +1, CG) (16 hearts)

Don’t do anything.

Story 9:

Start touching him. (Love Meter +2) (12 hearts)

I can’t interrupt.

Story 10:

Seduce the info out of him. (Love Meter +1) (8 hearts)

Try to force it out of him.

Story 11: (second chance)

Gently ask about it. (Love Meter +3) (18 hearts)

Now is not the time.

Story 12:

“I’m thinking about you.” (Love Meter +3) (13 hearts)

“Nothin’.”

Story 13:

“It was fun.”

“It was relaxing.”

 Story 14:

Apologize and keep talking. (Love Meter +1) (7 hearts)

Ouch. I have nothing to say for myself…

Story 15:

Play dumb: “What are you talking about?”

Ask: “What if I am?”

Story 16:

Find out if he’s jealous. (Love Meter +2) (18 hearts)

Don’t ask any questions.

Story 17:

“I’ll stay ten more minutes.” (Love Meter +2) (14 hearts)

I have nothing to say.

Story 18:

Ask about his Texas accent.

Don’t ask about it now.

Story 19:

Call out to Yuzuru.

Let him go.

Story 20:

Put up a strong front: “I’m okay.”

Tell the truth: “I’m not okay.”

Story 21: (second chance)

Ask Yuzuru why he did it. (Love Meter +3, CG) (25 hearts)

Don’t ask any questions.

Story 22:

“Not as stubborn as you.”

“You already knew that.”

Story 23 (useless):

Trust Yuzuru and don’t go. (Love Meter +1) (13 hearts)

Right now, I have to go to Jeremy.

Story 24: (second chance but she saves him either way)

Rush over to protect Yuzuru. (Love Meter +3) (19 hearts)

I can’t get there quickly enough.

Guides:

I calculated the cheapest ways to get to Eden End and Super Happy End with CGs and without CGs. Just opt for the heart scenes that I’ve highlighted in each guide below.

Click the read more below for my review. Stop here if you haven’t yet read the route because there are spoilers galore.

Review:

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this route. As I read through, I thought the pacing was excellent and I was really drawn in by everything about it, especially the relationship between Yuzuru and his MC. It has definitely been a while since a LC route really captured my full attention. However, upon rereading my notes and writing this review, I do have quite a few issues with it, particularly the plot. I’ll go through the things I enjoyed about the route first and then discuss what I find to be its limitations.  

So Yuzuru is great in this route. We get a far more expressive and soft Yuzuru. We get to see the most charming side of Yuzuru again, his childlike passion for engineering and innovation. This, in my opinion, is Yuzuru at his softest and most appealing, when he is genuinely passionate and not just doing the hyper-organised scheduling thing (although naturally most of this is hidden behind a heart scene). Sometimes it’s nice to remember that Yuzuru is human.

He’s definitely more playful with his MC in this route, even going as far as to blur the lines between work and personal life a little bit in a way that I found quite unexpected. There’s a lot of flirty banter between them, as well as just little suggestions of flirtations here and there in their body language – in front of people too! Scandalous. It almost reminds me a bit of Kazuomi and his MC, which is definitely a pleasant surprise. A lot of these scenes are hidden behind heart scenes, which I’ll get into later, but I will say that these cute and suggestive moments between the two are probably some of the best moments of the route, and part of the reason why it was so easy to keep reading.

I’ve mentioned this before but Yuzuru’s MC is my favourite version of the Masquerade Kiss MC. She’s great in this route too – cool, calm, great at her job. I also love that she likes Night at the Museum? Lmao me too girl. She has such trashy taste in movies and it’s a cute quirk that definitely makes her more relatable within the sensational premise of the game. Personality-wise, I think they did a good job at bridging the professional and personal aspects of her personality too, making her read like someone who has different personas that are different aspects of the same person. You definitely get a sense of the conflict within the MC when she has to extract information by using her sExUaLiTy when her boyfriend is watching on lol, even when they kind of make it out like a game. It is interesting and quite novel to see a Voltage MC successfully pull off a honey trap on a guy who kind of repulses her. We get snippets of it in other games such as Her Love in the Force but HLITF MC is always careful to keep boundaries so we never get to explore the full potential of the jealousy that can crop up in such situations. MK MC goes above and beyond to give us (and Yuzuru) a show. With that being said, I do feel like they kind of drew back from it a little by having Jeremy be super forward with his affection so the MC just has to respond, keep him on the hook and pull back every now and again, rather than actively needing to pursue someone to obtain information.

I also really enjoyed that moment when Yuzuru tells her to shower before going to his bed to wash off “Mia.” It solidifies that he’s really in love with her and not her charismatic, flirtatious hostess alias. Throughout the route, the blurring of the personal and the professional is definitely a theme that we see cropping up in the lives of both the MC and Yuzuru. It’s something that I find particularly interesting and I’m glad they picked this developmental direction since both Yuzuru and his MC are notoriously bad at mixing those two worlds, with both of them consistently and repeatedly picking work over love. We also get to see Yuruzu and his MC almost working together at times, which I adored. At times, they feel like a team. As always, they have tons of sexual and physical chemistry but they are slowly building up on the emotional chemistry and communication issues which is so crucial for character and relationship development. 

The SHE and EE in particular has some incredibly cute moments. Yuzu’s MC describing them as part of a machine is *chefs kiss* incredible. Their sex scenes are intimate, loving and incredibly romantic. Yuzu preparing his NYC home for MC? Adorable. And, most importantly, him not only tolerating but welcoming his MC’s “bugs” in their relationship? That’s character growth babey. 

With super long LC routes, I always get tired about 7 chapters in and give up and then have to come back and finish it later. However, this route sped along. The pacing of this route is pretty quick and snappy – in fact, I wouldn’t have minded if it was actually longer? Developments tend to happen pretty quickly, there are plenty of moments between Yuzuru and the MC that keep the story moving, and there’s basically very little, if any, ‘downtime’ in this route. Because they are constantly in the club or at Yuzuru’s place lol.

The writing/language quality is great. I felt genuinely tense every time Yuzuru and the MC almost got caught in the club and even more so when the MC went to Jeremy’s home. I couldn’t spot any significant typos or coding errors. The readability of this route is definitely top quality.

Moving onto my gripes with this route, I would say that they have to do mostly with flimsy plot, characters being reduced to plot devices, and lack of relationship conflict.

Firstly, something that I always find a bit off about the premise of EAC is how public their relationships sometimes are and how the MC’s private life even works. Yuzuru literally gets swarmed with people in the prologue asking for autographs and photos and yet later in the route can somehow go on a public date to busy tourist spots in central NYC with a spy? (That being said, I refuse to take that prologue as canon because of how sensationally ridiculous it is.) Let’s not pretend the EAC isn’t watching them lol (they even imply multiple times that this is the case). Is she not worried that Jeremy or Grace or any SHIBA or Space Crystal employees or any of the numerous powerful and dangerous people who frequent Freja will spot them together? There is no way she looks significantly different as Mia than as herself unless she’s wearing prosthetics or can turn off her star aura like Britney Spears can.  Also, is the MC supposed to be mixed? No one has any questions about how a native Japanese woman can get away with being called Mia Knightley?

They also set up this tension of something happening to the MC without Yuzuru ever knowing which never really plays out. There’s a brief callback to it but it’s more about the MC finding an excuse to see Yuzu. I thought the drama would have more to do with the MC having to keep secrets from Yuzu and disappearing but that never happens and so the repeated mentions of this particular source of anxiety don’t really amount to anything. I also wish they made better use of the stun bracelet! I think it would have been cool if that was what took Jeremy out. Symbolically, it could have worked as a physical manifestation of Yuzu’s trust and support of his MC and her job helping to protect her against the Big Bad.

Okay so my main issue is about the villains and the flimsy plot. Jeremy and Grace were such wasted villains!! If this guy went crazy and murdered 3 people… how did he manage to not only reinvent himself but in fact become a very high profile tech executive with more or less the same name? Imagine if Elon Musk was actually a crazy murderer who used to be called Elon Avrevic… there’s no way that he would be able to bury this, especially if he came from nothing and had no connections during the time in his life when he committed these murders. If there are actual criminal reports about his crimes that can be accessed by the EAC and SHIBA, how did he not get taken in for life after murdering 3 people? Why is he even free in the world? It’s such a big plot hole to me… doesn’t have the same fingerprints? Did he get such extensive plastic surgery that he’s not recognisable and also burn off his fingerprints? Evidently not, since the MC can recognise both him and Grace from childhood photos!

I also didn’t think his motivations were really that convincing. We get a throwaway line about his alcoholic father killing his mother because she tried to leave him, but in general they set Jeremy up with so much potential as this psychopath who hunts a very specific type of woman but then they just kind of throw it away with him just going crazy and shooting people because he just wants “girls and money”. Nooo Jeremy they did you so dirty!!!

I just think they built him up as this incredibly dangerous and manipulative predator but then just made him a standard alcoholic incel. He could have been such a good villain. He could have maybe drawn the MC in with sob stories about his mother and actually made her doubt her instincts with his charisma and vulnerability, with it turning out that the whole time he was just luring her in, instead of just relentlessly hitting on her and then getting carelessly drunk and going crazy. He spends so much of the route attempting to play and get with the MC and then just throws it all away by getting pissed and letting her basically have free reign of his apartment? I just don’t buy that a co-founder of Space Crystal would get to the top without being more clever, suspicious and manipulative – especially since he murdered 3 women and still is somehow a free man, ‘disguised’ as a very successful CEO?  Also, if he really just wanted girls and money, there were a thousand other ways of doing it. He could have been so clever and instead they just made him have occasional psychotic breaks with no discernible trigger. Disappointing.

(On a side note, they made his house look weirdly similar to Epstein’s manor. Or maybe all Upper East Side homes look like this, I have no idea. I did look around on Google Maps and I guess a lot of the homes in this area are kind of similar.)

Grace is also a wasted character. She kind of feels like a MacGuffin just to have this love quadrangle in order to play out the jealousy plot but ultimately plays no significant role. Actually, both Grace and Jeremy basically just act as jealousy plot devices, only the jealousy plot isn’t strong enough to actually threaten Yuzu and his MC’s relationship (except for one moment which to be honest doesn’t even play out like that because of jealousy and rather because Yuzu is trying to protect his girl).

Speaking of that moment, I thought that Yuzuru’s “push the MC away plan” could have been stronger. I feel like it’s not like him to do make such a basic attempt at fooling his MC. It might have worked in a different game but all of the MK guys usually know that they can’t trick their MC with cheap Harry and the Hendersons plots and they tend to not disrespect her enough to try. I know that as readers, we enjoy not knowing what the love interest is up to because it ups the tension and drama but I feel like there was a way of having that insecurity and conflict play out while keeping everything a mystery and making better use of the characters. Like maybe it could seem like Yuzuru is running into Grace’s arms after finding his MC in a compromising position with Jeremy when he’s actually doing his own covert investigations and making plans to foil their ultimate plans. Or maybe even working with Grace to take Jeremy’s wild country-bombing plans out. That way, we would prolong the jealousy/love quadrangle plot with the MC stressing about Yuzuru and Grace’s relationship, especially when she already doesn’t trust Grace. It would also make better use of Grace as a character and her position as both someone with a ginormous crush on Yuzuru and as Jeremy’s ‘partner’. If Grace also ended up betraying Jeremy to help Yuzuru and the MC, we could also have had some extra heartbreak about Grace having to betray the one person she has always had in her life (and maybe some extra backstory about Jeremy going nuts as part of having to protect himself and Grace from their parents and the world). #voltagehireme lol. I also find it highly unlikely that Jeremy managed to set up this whole missile-launching phone app business under Grace’s nose, especially when Yuzuru knew about it. Also, the idea of an American attempting to launch a missile to destroy the whole of Japan is a bit… on the nose lol.

The season isn’t really driven by relationship conflict even though they were pushing the whole jealousy line in the marketing. In the end, I don’t think the route is as much about jealousy as it is about trust – but then again, Yuzuru has always placed ultimate trust in his MC even in S1. I can see this being an issue for people who went into this route wanting genuine conflict in their relationship so that they can overcome and work through it to develop. There’s only a little bit of conflict towards the end when the MC goes to Jeremy’s home, and then that kind of gets discarded pretty quickly anyway. They just happen to be better at communication this season, and a lot of that is because of Yuzuru going out of his way to keep tabs on his MC. This is probably what makes the route so easy to read, because Yuzu is more open. However, because of this, while it is great that their communication as a couple improves, it may not necessarily feel that earned? With that said, credit to the writers for making Yuzu more open without making it feel jarring or like he’s had a sudden personality change.

And on another note entirely, I wish there was a bit more detail about the three “S”es and more involvement from Kazu and Kei, who basically just make gratuitous appearances in this route. Learning about them making Takoyaki together at Oxford is such a cute detail and also such an international student in the UK thing to do. Find me one Asian student studying abroad in the UK who hasn’t collectively cooked home food in halls with friends from their country (it’s always hotpot for me lol). I wish there were more moment with them actively involved in helping the MC.

Finally, I have my usual issues about the Love Choice system. If you play the route for free, you get very few cute scenes between Yuzu and his MC, miss out on some major character development moments (esp that planetarium scene) and you get a fade to black ending in the Normal End. Personally, I started playing Voltage in the early 2010s so I don’t mind fade to black endings, but I think the mature/sex scenes are what a lot of MK readers are here for, so it’s a shame that there isn’t even a kiss scene in the NE.

Overall, I would say that the chemistry between Yuzuru and his MC is what keeps this route going and flowing. I would recommend it if you just adore Yuzuru, want to maximise time with him and don’t really care much about plot. Otherwise, while their relationship is brought to new levels, it does not happen because of the plot as much as Yuzu’s response to events we don’t necessarily see, and it does not necessarily feel that earned because the plot doesn’t really put their relationship in that much jeopardy.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually really enjoyed reading this route – I found it super easy to keep reading, and Yuzu kept me hooked. I also love Yuzu more than ever. I think it’s a similar situation to Takane’s route, where the route made me love the love interest more, but has an average/flimsy plot. I imagine that his PoV will reveal more about those events that make him go out of his way to keep an eye on his MC, but as a standalone route, I wish there was more actual relationship conflict leading to more development.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Do you have any hcs for Magnus taking ppl to pride for the first time? I kinda feel like he’d act as a guide for others, making sure everyone feels safe and happy during their first time. Like, I can picture him bringing daylighter Raphael out for the first time, showing Meliorn around (bc even though they’ve been around for a while, the Seelies don’t really do human stuff) and holding Alec’s hand while he looks around in amazement.

well surprise surprise this got very long. bet y’all never saw that coming

ok so i particularly love this ask because like, the idea of meliorn going to pride for the first time is a riot and i adore it

like seelie society has developed completely independently from mundane society in every way, hell, it existed before humans did. so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that their culture even has the concepts of gender of sexuality, and believing that it would be the same as modern western ones is just straight up anachronistic tbh

so like personally i hc that seelie society has no gender (and therefore no concept of sexuality in the way that we see it), so the idea of pride- doesn't even make sense to them, cuz there's no concept of these identities, much less a history of oppression that would bring forward the need to celebrate their resistance like there currently is

so meliorn would want to go just to like, see what that's like and what's it all about. and the whole time they're just following Magnus around and like, taking notes. hm, interesting, what is this trans thing again? ah yes, people who dont think their personality matches the one mundanes believe would be brought by their genitals. hm. fascinating. and Magnus is just like, laughing loudly and it's the best pride he's ever been to, because he knows how ridiculous queerphobia and cishetnormativity are, but meliorn can make that so clear in their words in a way thats just, like, fantastic to hear, you know? and they dont even mean to, but it's great all the same

plus meliorn actually does feel good because a lot of people look at them and smile broadly or even wave, especially younger people who are just like, in awe of them and Magnus, who are so unapologetically gnc and indisputably beautiful, and looking at them is just like, inspiring, you know? and Meliorn has never felt this admired and appreciated and they dont even fully understand why, they're just walking around in their usual clothing and leaf makeup and everyone is just like, in love with them. and it's nice. they can tell there's an edge of sadness to the whole thing, like how their normal everyday existence seems to be so shocking and refreshing for these people, but mostly they feel good about it

later they bring their findings to the other seelies - you know, the ones who dont usually leave the realm and are way less familiar with mundane culture(s) than they are - and the others are like. shut up. there's no way this is real. the shape of their genital defines what wavelength they are supposed to find appealing? this makes no sense. and meliorn's like "idk what to tell u buddy i literally physically can't lie" and they're like surely this is an elaborate prank

but anyway it's fun and nice and they enjoy it greatly and ask Magnus a lot of questions, and Magnus loves going with them more than anyone else because its just so fun and the way this is completely unnatural to them feels refreshing - Magnus doesnt have to explain why he feels the way he feels, for once, but rather he has to explain why people dont get that, and thats a good change tbh

okay onto other ppl im sorry for this tangent djdndjdndk RAPHAEL YES. god i just. okay i love the mental image of Magnus taking Raphael to pride aaaaaaaa

like okay first of all so many layeRS to make this emotional, okay. the fact that he's now a daylighter and can enjoy being out in the sun, the fact that this is a bright costumed parade and it kinda reminds him of the día de los muertos parade and makes him feel at home, the fact that he gets to celebrate and meet other ace ppl - just, so many good things going on here dundidmdi

and Raphael was kinda unsure about going because 1- pride can get pretty sexual at times, and while he gets it and doesn't mind other people's business, he doesn't want to be hit on or participate in that; 2- big crowd makes senses go craycray and it can get very overwhelming and he's scared of overload, plus it's just not his scene in general with huge parties and such. but a part of him does want to go and he's torn, so of course Magnus is immediately like "oh dear, don't worry, i can take you, i'll make sure it's good" and Raphael is like okay

so Magnus takes him and it's :') nice, because as always he’s just so attentive. disclosure i’ve only ever been to the São Paulo pride so i’m gonna go with how it works in here but im assuming it’s not that different in like, other places. also São Paulo currently has the biggest pride parade in the world along with NYC so you know, i think it’s influential at the very least

anyway so he finds a section that’s led by ace pride groups, one that’s considerably small (in number of ppl) and spacious, and it’s. nice. very nice. magnus makes it a point to paint the ace pride colors on raphael’s face (we deserve raphael in makeup tbh) and raphael is all like “it’s fine, it’s not like i’ll want to draw a lot of attention” (like he isn’t wearing the ace flag colors already) and magnus is like hush, let me have this, i want my boy to have a good pride experience. so raphael lets him and hides his smile and lets him, and it’s. cute okay

also idk why but i have the mental image of raphael seeing some other latino guy with some sign like. “i’m not your fetish” or something of the sort, and kind of tearing up because his whole life he’s been seen as this kind of sexual fantasy that couldn’t not be about sex, much less not be interested in it, and he feels seen. and it’s nice, okay

and as promised it’s not too overwhelming in matters of like people, tactile issues and such (there’s little magnus can do about the noise other than spell raphael to decrease his sensitivity so he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is not ideal because it makes communication a bit harder between them, but he does it anyway if raphael asks him to), and if raphael gets tired, they can always turn into a corner and take a portal back home and cuddle the post-crowd jitteriness away. so it’s a success. and raphael hugs magnus later and thanks him and says that it was so great, that he’s missed this, the energy and the colors and the sun, and he never thought he’d get to have it again, and he did thanks to magnus. and magnus hugs him back and tells him “anything for you, my boy,” and it’s the sweetest thing okay im emo

also okay this still falls under Raphael and Meliorn but the POLYCULE okay, or at least saiaphaeliorn. like sign me the fuck up for the 4 of them together at pride, meliorn and magnus helping make some cute pride-themed makeup on the other 3, just aaaaaaaaa. maia looking absolutely gorgeous with her face framed in the bright bi colors, maybe a sunny dress with the trans flag colors? just because i think she’d look so cute in like, a mostly white dress with baby pink and blue details, okay. simon just paints the pan flag on his cheek but it’s still vibrant and cute and it suits him. and ghhghghghg meliorn delicately painting raphael’s face with colorful glitter..... effervescent, okay. just beautiful

and they get to hold hands in public and laugh and crack jokes and simon loves the music and the festival and raphael smiles fondly at him and maia singing along (him and meliorn definitely don’t know what the fuck they’re singing, but it’s okay because they’re clearly happy and that makes the two of them happy too) and just duahsdiahdaiuha soft okay. also they all get to experience meliorn’s takes on the whole thing and it’s fantastic and as usual meliorn gets raphael to laugh until he almost cries, and simon smiles brightly at the sight and gives meliorn a peck for their efforts, and just aaaaaaaa

in short they’re SOFT and i’m SOFT. and look yes i know that usually parades esp big ones are super crowded (lord knows the SP pride parade is an experience) but if in SP with 5 million ppl parading i could find sections with less people where you had enough space to walk holding hands and hear each other and not be overwhelmed, then i’m sure they can too, especially with magic and powers at their disposal. so i’m going to have this

also like. as much fun as this is for magnus (and it definitely is, it’s very nice to get to enjoy to be himself openly, and to bring kids there for their first time, and you know), it’s also bittersweet because like. he was there at stonewall, he was there for the first pride, you know? and apart from the obvious part where he lost so many friends who were there, there’s just. the very bad memories of the riots, because as important as they are and as much as he obviously doesn’t regret them, riots are hard, they are the language of the oppressed. he’s had to magically protect people from being shot by the police, he’s had to withstand trial by the Clave for using magic to shield the people from the tear gas and risking being seen, he’s had to save a lot of lives and he’s failed at it sometimes, too (i’ll always hc that he’s the reason neither Marsha nor Sylvia died during the riots and you can pry that away from my cold, dead hands). and he’s also seen it be whitewashed and lose some of its resistance and meaning, he’s seen Sylvia be booed at a later march when she spoke against imprisonment, and he’s seen so much be lost

and in that sense going to pride with alec later on might be his favorite, because it’s not like, a first time where he’s trying to get everyone to have the most fun they can and shit, you know? plus alec loves watching more than he does participating, he feels way too exposed in the crowded streets with so many openings and whatnot. but watching from a rooftop, where he has the best view, can still hear the sounds and enjoy the colors and the beauty of it from a distance? that’s perfect for him, and it’s a different experience

and magnus sits by his side as they watch, hand in hand, and reminisces about everything that he’s experienced after so many years, all the changes he’s seen, how he feels pride but he also feels loss and he feels old, and he fears what happens if pride’s history is forgotten, you know? and alec listens to him, listens to his version of this story, playing with magnus’ fingers and just enjoying the sound of his voice and the sight. and it’s nice. alec is always super attentive and enjoys hearing him talk and magnus can get lost in his memories unapologetically, you know? and it’s good

but that’s later on, of course, when they’ve already attended plenty together. for alec’s first pride he probably wants it to be like, perfect, so much so that alec has to tell him to slow down again, because of course magnus wants alec to have The Full Pride Experience, but alec would rather soak it up slowly than participate in a lot of stuff, anyway. magnus paints the rainbow flag on his cheek (one of the only occasions alec lets magnus put glitter on him, then promptly complains for the next three months because i swear that stuff is still on my skin, magnus, the other day i found some on my shoes! and magnus laughs at his antics as always and alec is forced to laugh too and can’t even be mad) and they kind of stay more by the end, and alec is kind of smiling in disbelief to himself the whole time as he watches all the colors and the unapologetic way people express their pride, and magnus can’t stop looking at him and grinning, too. and they walk hand in hand and it’s cute

(later, magnus says, see, mundane culture isn’t so bad, is it? and alec looks at him with a way more serious look, full of joy and happiness, and says, no, it isn’t. and kisses him and thanks him for everything, and it’s sweet)

also I'm soft thinking about Magnus reminiscing about planning the first pride along with "his dear friend Brenda" to Alec and/or Raphael, them putting their arms around his shoulder as he tells them the softer stories, too, the good things they did

small bonus: Magnus plays 2 truths and a lie with Simon regarding his memories of past prides, and Simon gets it wrong every time and is all wide eyed by the end, which makes both Magnus and Raphael laugh :)

[asherjhemmings]

( MATTHEW DADDARIO + CISMALE ) —  Have you seen ASHER HEMMINGS ? This TWENTY-EIGHT year old is a MUSIC PRODUCER who resides in BROOKLYN. HE has been living in NYC for TEN YEARS, and is known to be OUTGOING and ALLURING, but can also be ARROGANT and SELF SERVING, if you cross them.  People tend to associate them with SCATTERED SHEET MUSIC ON A MARBLE FLOOR and GOLDEN BAR CARTS LITTERED WITH EXPENSIVE LIQUOR. — ( haley, 21, she/her, triggers: eating disorders & self harm, est )

hello all !! i’m haley and i’ve been roleplaying since i was like eleven but i just came back to tumblr rp a year ago and that just so happened to be with my baby asher, so happy anniversary to him being a muse <3

i’ve boiled his bio down into some bullet points because it used to be so fuckin long and i’m sure nobody read it so here it is condensed into just the basics

basics:

name: asher julien hemmings

nicknames: ash, aj

age: 28

hometown: cambridge, ma

currently living: brooklyn, ny

education: high school diploma, degree in music production from nyu

birthday: april 13th

zodiac: aries

sexual orientation: bisexual

tattoos: ** doesn’t have a neck tattoo like alec in shadow hunters lol but he has mad tattoos, two full sleeves

aesthetic: pinterest

before nyc (tw: alcoholism, abuse, prison)

asher was what some holier than would call a miracle or what other would more harshly call an accidental pregnancy. 

his father owned a low-life club in the city, known for mistreating employees and sneaky business behind the scene. some speculated that the operation of the club was to simple launder drug money, however that is a far different story. 

his mother began working at the club around her twenty-seventh birthday and took on a position as an exotic dancer. she never quite had a set career path, often working odd jobs until it lead her to the intimidating world of stripping.

asher’s father took a liking to her, in the same way he took a liking to most females that got hired at the establishment whether it be a guest or an employee. however, unlike the other, he got her pregnant.

their relationship was toxic from the beginning. seeing as the relationship was forced for the sake of their child, they didn’t get along great. cops were constantly called to their apartment during 2am screaming matches, a lot of nights spent with one of them on the couch. but it wasn’t bad enough for one of them to leave, but it wasn’t good enough for one of them to say i love you.

asher was born on a rainy day in the spring and came into the world with a smile on his face. the nurses even joked he looked like a young frank sinatra with the way he slyly smirked. 

but the smile didn’t always stay on his face. as he grew up, he saw the repercussions of staying with someone out of convenience rather than love. while his mother fell in love with him and hand crafted her maternal instincts to excellency, his father developed a love for whisky and coming home late from work. 

despite what they once thought, a child didn’t fix things. in his father’s worsening condition, he began to get violent. it started off aggressively verbal until it matured into a far more physical act. at first it was just asher’s mother taking the brunt of the abuse. but as asher began to get older, it wasn’t uncommon for him to a victim on the lashing too. 

it wasn’t until child protective services got involved after asher in seventh grade came to school with bruises that anyone was even aware of what he was enduring. asher’s father was sentenced to twenty-five years in prison for domestic abuse & parental negligence.

the abuse had made asher timid moreso than it made him aggressive. so when he and his mother moved in with his grandparents, he was hesitant around his grandfather at first. his grandfather tried to form a relationship with him doing everything from playing board games to watching television or going mini-golfing.  nothing seemed to be able to break through asher’s timid exterior.

this was until one day his grandfather caught him plucking at the keys on their grand piano and offered to teach a young asher how to play. music was the first thing they truly bonded over and within a year, asher was playing better than most people can in a lifetime. 

once moving in with his grandparents, his mother wasn’t around much. she was always with her latest boyfriend or with her friends. asher didn’t mind though, he enjoyed cooking with his grandmother or strumming a guitar with his grandfather.

in high school, asher became a punk. he strived in all social groups due to his charisma. he excelled with the music kids, got in with the burnouts, even was cool enough to hang around with the popular kids. teachers loved him despite not being the best student. it was impossible to hate him.

his music teacher wrote him his letter of recommendation to study at nyu. he never saw himself going to college but he was excited to reinvent himself.

in nyc (tw: alcoholism)

during his years at nyu, asher began to reinvent himself. he was no long timid or the least bit shy. he was suave and slick, getting along with almost everyone he came into contact with.

unfortunately when some many people love you, after a while, it begins to get to your head.  it was no surprise to people when asher began to get arrogant and cocky about his musical abilities. but one thing he had to fake confidence with was who he was as a person.

asher didn’t like himself, hence why new york was such a turning point for him. deep down, he believed he didn’t deserve love or his success. but when he started getting praise for his music producing abilites all of that changed.

classmates were intimidated by him and professors were undoubtedly impressed with the way in which he could perfect a beat or make a hit simply experimenting. asher liked the attention, lived for the applause he’d get at the end of a presentation. the love others had for him inflated his ego but also drove him to success.

after graduating at twenty-two, asher moved to an apartment in brooklyn and immediately began interning at a record label. he didn’t necessarily like what he was doing, truly believing that he was too good to be there most days.

but even as an intern he excelled and at the age of twenty-five, he bought his own music production company that houses over twenty studio spaces for artists to record. 

in three years, not much has changed. except his bank account has quadrupled, he’s moved from a shoebox to a villa.. oh, and he’s developed a bit of a drinking problem.

drinking started off a social thing for asher. a few beers at a college party here and there seemed to be the beginning of it. then it was shots, and then getting black out at parties and not remembering much of anything. being surrounded by famous artists in his career only made this habit worse. he was drinking to wake up in the morning, in the studio, before bed and repeat. 

nobody knows much about his blossoming alcoholism but it’s quickly beginning to fester and consume him. but he’s pretty good at hiding behind the tortured artist facade.  

personality:

asher is the epitome of smiling and rolling your eyes in the same instance. he’s charming and goofy in the same line and doesn’t miss a beat.

super flirty. will flirt w u. and ur friend. and ur friend’s significant other. that’s just how he is. 

loves verbal sparring, the certified king of it

why is he always smoking a cigarette? nobody knows

can be an asshole, will most likely get you to yell at him and then laugh and tell you that you’re the one being ridiculous 

Indecisive af

a ride or die for his friends, literally would kill for a buddy

wanted connections:

ex girlfriend or boyfriend: asher’s been in nyc for ten years so he’s definitely tried to get serious ab someone by now. their relationship was for sure super toxic. let’s plot.

college roommate: someone who went to nyu and has watched asher’s success absolutely blow up. someone who pulled him drunk out of parties and threw him their dorm’s cold shower. give me disappointed friends vibes or a strained relationship !! anything !!

half-brother:  as far as asher knows, he’s an only child. his father was an alcoholic who often had affairs with the girls who worked at his clubs in boston or were in the city on business. it is no surprise that something came from his late night rendezvous. asher’s not the warmest person, especially when it comes to his negligent father. will anything come of the brothers sharing the city streets? or will they simply turn a cold shoulder to one another? 

assistant: asher is a famous music producer with his own recording studio in manhattan. he and his personal assistant spend a lot of time together. this connection is pretty open ended so asher could be their mentor if they’re musically inclined but they could also be confidants, best friends, frenemies, potential love interest, fwb, up to you!!

ride or die: this man needs to have some friends who put him in his place plz, he’s a whole ass disaster

music friends: self explanatory 

fwb/ex-flings: this man is so flirty if he hasn’t messed around w u he’s messed around w someone u know. give me angst. give me missed connections. give me unrequited. give me friendzone. give me anything. 

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #241 - James & The Giant Peach

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: Blu-ray

1) James and the Giant Peach is one of Disney’s more underrated gems. It came out during the Disney Renaissance but - much like its spiritual predecessor The Nightmare Before Christmas - it is not really considered part of that canon of films due to the unique production style and different production team. This means that (unlike Nightmare) it is oft forgotten but I think it deserves to be remembered.

2) The prologue for the film does well to establish/translate Roald Dahl’s unique, fun and imaginative voice. You have the antagonistic rhino, the importance of New York, and just pure Roald Dahl-ness which the entire film does so well. The imagination, the oddness, all of it.

3) Spiker and Sponge are such awful human beings but played in a ridiculousness enough way it doesn’t upset the tone of the film. They are played up as childish but not in a way which makes their abuse towards James funny. They’re just really good villains.

4) Paul Terry as James.

Terry is able to make the titular character a wonderfully honest depiction of childhood. There are two elements whoever played James had to be strong in: live action and voice over performance. Terry tackles both aspects of the part well, which is important in helping the transition between mediums feel smooth. Terry doesn’t play James up too much, making him sympathetic without being a caricature. A performance supported by subtle choices which helps make the film.

5) “My Name is James” is a sad but hopeful tune which only deepens our sympathy for the protagonist. It allows us to understand how hard life is with his aunts while also seeing the hope the child has for the future. Also the song serves as a solid introduction to Randy Newman’s soundtrack.

6) Pete Postlethwaite as the One Eyed Man.

Posthlethwaite’s role in the film is all too brief but incredibly important. It is the introduction of magic into this world through one of Dahl’s trademark eccentric characters akin to Willy Wonka. Posthelwaite perfectly represents that and gives an incredibly memorable performance in about two minutes. I miss Pete Postlethwaite.

7) The live action production design in this film is so wonderfully creative, almost taking inspiration from German Expressionism, that it helps make the transition to stop motion all the smoother. And it is wonderfully smooth. It doesn’t take you out of the moment or jar you even if you don’t know it’s coming. It just feels right.

8) The Bugs.

All of the animated bug characters (is that even a pun?) are freaking perfect in this movie. They all feel so alive, an effect brought about both by the animation team and the energy the voice actors put into making each bug feel unique. They all have a sense of life, heart, and humor completely their own. Not to mention they have unique relationships with each other and James that help make them a group of individuals instead of an individual group. “That’s The Life” well represents/introduces us to who they are and what they want, serving as one of the most under-sung songs in an already underrated film.

9) The Runaway Peach is our first best example of the fun the film has with its visuals. It’s the moment that truly shows we’ve left the real world behind for a fun fantasy adventure.

10) It’s hard for me to pick a favorite among the bugs. Richard Dreyfus as Centipede is a particular standout, probably because he’s given the most to do. But Susan Sarandon as Spider and David Thewlis as Worm are also great. And since this is the first time I’ve seen this movie after being introduced to “Frasier” I have a new appreciation for Jane Leeves Ms. Ladybug. But then Simon Callow is really fun as Grasshopper and his bickering with Centipede is fun to watch and ugh! They’re all just so good!

11) The Mechanical Shark.

If the Runaway Peach was our symbol of leaving the real world behind, this is our first true excursion into Dahl-esque odd imaginative mayhem and it’s great. The entire dealing with the mechanical shark is an incredibly fun and imaginative set piece with a child like view point to it. Where do fish heads come from? Whey, a giant mechanical shark in the sea, of course. It also gets to show off all the bugs in action and James’ competence in such settings. I dig it.

12)

Worm: “First I was bird bait, then I was shark bait!”

13) I will say one of the weaker bits of watching this film as an adult is that the messages intended for children are not subtle. To adults, that is. James has numerous words of wisdom directed towards the bugs which are clearly life lessons to take away from the film, but even if they are obvious so what? For one thing this film is not intended for a cynical adult who’ll go, “Oh, it’s so obvious what they’re doing!” and for another each “philosophical” moment is always sincere/poignant. It may be a little cringeworthy without the lens of youth, but it doesn’t undermine the quality of the film.

14) “Eating the Peach”

This is my absolute FAVORITE song in the entire film. The marriage of Roald Dahl’s lyrics with Randy Newman’s composition makes it a standout, encapsulating the entire energy of the film in its three minute run time. It’s so imaginative and quirkily its fun visuals to match, it’s just hard not to listen to it and smile. Or tape your toes. Or both! I love it and I’m pretty sure I heard the song before I saw the film. It’s how I identify with this movie and I could gush about it for days.

15) James’ nightmare is the weirdest part of the movie but it’s a dream it’s supposed to be. There are some wonderfully creative visuals to it and it properly instills the sense of fear James has towards his abusive aunts.

16) Ah, puns.

Worm [after Centipede has jumped into the ocean]: “He’s committed PESTicide!”

17) When I said this film was a spiritual successor to The Nightmare Before Christmas, I didn’t just mean that because of the same crew working on it.

Centipede [finding a sunken ship]: “A Skellington?”

That’s right, a bearded Jack Skellington makes a cameo in this film. Centipede literally calls him a SKELLINGTON. Not a skeleton, a Skellington. I really dig that. Similarly, one of these sunken ship crew members would appear in the Nightmare Before Christmas video game Oogie’s Revenge as an enemy.

The entire shipwreck scene as a whole is really fun but as a sucker for crossovers and easter eggs I really dig these bits.

17.1) Also I’m pretty sure this is Donald Duck.

18) This film has a very episodic nature. I think it works well for it, I just never really noticed before.

19) “Family” is a charming and poignant number. A culmination of the relationships built over the last hour of the film, it is a joyous celebration of the bond the bugs and James have formed. I’m a sucker for found families and showing off this family (with some strong/fun visuals thrown in for good measure) is right up my alley.

20) The return of the rhino represents both James facing his fears and the the things that will throw us off in life. James has been scared of the rhino returning the entire film but now its back. He can’t control it, he can’t make it go away, just as problems in life we have to deal with won’t just magically disappear. He faces it head on, for better or worse, as we all should.

21) The ending of this film in New York City, while a tad slow, is a nice way to finish the story. Not only do the visuals of NYC match those of the animation, but James standing up to Spiker and Sponge show that he’s found his voice. He’s not going to be silent anymore and it’s important he does that WITHOUT half a dozen giant bugs backing him up. It’s just him, and he’s enough.

22) I like the epilogue of James living in the peach pit with the bugs and having all his new NYC friends coming to visit. It’s a nice touch.

I made my thoughts on this film pretty clear in the first note. I think it’s an underrated gem in Disney’s film canon. Although not with the same following as The Nightmare Before Christmas, in a number of ways James is just as good. The animation and sense of imagination is fun, it translates Roald Dahl’s trademark style wonderfully, and all in all is just a really good movie. I suggest giving it a watch if you haven’t.

[thisislizheather]

June Jaunts 2020

Above Photo: New York Public Library, June 2020

Can someone just hit me in the face hard enough so that I wake up in 2021? As a favour to me? (Also I love that we’re all assuming that a new year means a completely fresh new slate and that none of the actions taken this year will affect the rest of our lives? It’s ridiculous, but it’s a type of logic that I can absolutely get on board with.) In any case, life is hell right now. Here’s what went on in hell this month.

I found a new streaming site for movies that is incredible.

My brother Gary made another gravy video (this time a Swiss Chalet one) and of course it’s perfect.

My Dad turned 97!

I started doing Ipsy bag reviews again. The best find from the bag this month: a REALHER lipstick. Just amazing quality and I need to look further into their other products.

I watched Get Me Roger Stone and the man seems like a needy psychopath.

I rewatched The Disaster Artist: still great.

I tried hard seltzer (not White Claw, it was a brand called HOOT) and it was very okay, I just don’t see the big deal? I think we all have low standards for things being good.

God, I miss Jon Stewart. I find myself just watching old segments from his show which are sadly still incredibly relevant. 

I visited this coffee shop in Astoria called Coffee + Cake that’s so lovely. They make freshly baked goods each day and homemade ice cream and I’ll definitely return. This is their tomato & parmesan focaccia bread.

I started taking antihistamine eye drops for seasonal allergies and they’ve cured me completely. It’s insane. I love them.

I tried birthday cake Kit Kats because why wouldn’t I and of course they’re good. But they’re basically just… white Kit Kats… and that’s already a thing that exists… and look I’m not trying to hate on them, so I’ll keep my mouth shut about it from here on out.

If I became famous, the first thing I’d endorse would be Vicks (obviously), but the second thing? This dairy-free, almond milk yogurt DAH! Yes, the name is terrible. But the yogurt is heavenly. The madagascar vanilla will change you.

Finally made this ricotta jam jar with crostini and it was everything I wanted it to be and more.

I’ve been keeping a collection of photos taken of the city throughout the pandemic that are just gorgeous photos, here are a few.

Above Photo: April 2020, photo by Jerome Strauss

Above Photo: March 12th, 2020, the first night of Broadway going dark - photo by Gretchen Robinette for Gothamist

Above Photo: June 2020, photo by Benjamin Norman for The New York Times

Above Photo: April 2020, photo by Jerome Strauss

Above Photo: April 2020, photo by Jerome Strauss

I watched the Holy Chicken! documentary from the Super Size Me guy and it was okay. I did know a lot of those chicken facts already since we haven’t been eating meat these last few months, so it wasn’t anything revolutionary. And then after I watched it, I was reading about it and then came across all the gross behavior by the creator of the film and uggghhhh I wish I hadn’t watched and supported it now.

I tried this New Orleans cold brew and whoa. Good stuff. I don’t exactly know the difference between cold brew and coffee and it’s such a boring thing to look up, so… here we are.

Will forever love the food at The Thirsty Koala in Astoria. Thank you Katie, Greg & Irene for gifting us so much of their food this month! Truly so sweet of you.

Favourite tweets of the month.

New favourite Health-Ade kombucha flavour: passion fruit - tangerine. Absolutely unreal.

I bought a ton of underwear from Aerie since I don’t feel comfortable going into any stores or on the subway yet, and they’re actually pretty great quality (I’m sorry I didn’t get on this sooner, Marla.) The sizing is a little off in that one medium doesn’t fit like another medium, but once you figure it out, you’re good.

This girl. She’s still breaking my heart with these renditions.

How do I set my Google Alerts so that these types of stories are the only news stories I read?

I learned how to make vodka martinis at home, so what I’m trying to say is that I’m better than you now.

Truly don’t know how I feel about this news, but I think I have to support it, right? I wish we could just leave good things alone. Why must we always want more.

I watched The Joy Luck Club and here’s my takeaway: don’t have daughters. And also maybe don’t have mothers? It seems like everyone is a disappointment to every character in this movie. I was expecting to love it, so when that didn’t happen I was a little disappointed.

I watched Dan In Real Life (mainly because of Steve Carell who was way too good for this movie) and it suuuuucked. Hated Dane Cook. Hated the plot. Hated the whole white, rich, we-dance-as-a-family type aesthetic of the whole movie. 

I watched the first season of You and a few episodes of the second season and uuuuuuuggggghhhhhh what a garbage show. I don’t need to see anyone romanticize some pathetic Gossip Girl loser who I feel no empathy for. It’s actually just so badly written and how on earth did someone green-light this trash. Here’s a good piece written about it.

Also watched a bunch of reruns of 3rd Rock From The Sun and what an underrated, great show. Wish I remembered it more.

I’ve been on a real Harrison Ford bender lately and I can’t see it stopping anytime soon. I watched Sabrina (which was okay, the best part was seeing him play a nerdish, unlovable character). I also watched Working Girl (which is really not a great movie, but it was only watchable for Ford). Also saw Air Force One and what a movie. How on earth have I never seen it before?? Such a fox. If you haven’t seen it before, I shall entice you with this one line.

Rainier cherries are in season now and while I don’t particularly love a cherry, these are delightful.

I’ve been sucking down these Saratoga Springs sparkling waters for days and there’s no turning back, they’re refreshing in a way I didn’t think existed. Just pure magic.

The only summer salad that’s worth a damn is this panzanella salad, but make sure you add fresh mozzarella to it.

I never thought I liked biscotti until a friend recently made it, so maybe I’m just into chocolate biscotti?

What a great idea (below):

If you’d like to hear the birds in NYC right now, get on over here.

I started watching Insecure but couldn’t really get into it, maybe I’ll give it more of a chance, maybe not. I feel like if you’re not hooked into a show within three episodes, it’s not gonna happen.

I rewatched Clueless and it’s really just a perfect movie. I could quote every line in this movie at one point in my life and I think I might still be able to. Still looking to emulate this perfect outfit one day.

Cannot stop making this broccoli pasta with Banza and the Beyond Meat sausage.

Absolutely haunted by this moving front page of the Times.

I finished watching Fuller House and I’ll never know why I wanted to, it’s such a corny/actually-bad show and yet I still watched. Thankfully it’s over forever.

Incase you’re looking for an alternative site to Amazon for buying books: Bookshop.org

I haven’t read a book in what feels like forever, so I finally finished Glennon Doyle’s Untamed and wrote about it.

Excited to one day see the new LaGuardia.

I went over what I did from my spring list that I made in March.

I naively made a list of what I’d like to do this summer.

It’s been a harder month than normal and I found myself watching The Land Before Time and uncontrollably weeping onto my yoga mat (I like to watch movies in the background when I’m working out). A kind of cry that comes around every decade or so where you can’t really breathe and you’re blinded my tears and everything is too much to handle. I know it’s a sad movie, but I think it was the movie and the combination of this month that made me react that way. In any case, I hope kids today still want to watch that movie. It’s a hard one, but it’s really still so good.

My grandmother Ma passed away this month and since travel is not allowed, it was especially difficult for this to happen now. I felt helpless being separated from most of my family so I wrote a bit about how it made me feel. I could talk about the greatness of this woman endlessly, how it’s insane that you could live in this day and age and not read or write and still enrich the lives of everyone you know, there’s no way to sum her up as a person. I’ll just miss her. Her voice, her endless encouragement, all of it.

Some things I’d like to do this month: I’d like to not sink into an unending pit of depression (that’d be great), I’d like to keep going on our nightly walks with Nathan, I’m likely going to buy these bike shorts as soon as they’re back in stock and you can’t stop me (I already have an outfit in mind, trust me it’s gonna look good), I was looking forward to movie theatres reopening (the Regal near our house specifically) but the date’s been pushed again to the end of July (which will likely get pushed again), and I’d really like to start and finish another book this month.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in May over here.

[serceleste]

my victory over hamlet

I expect everyone who follows me knows about my Hamlet saga because I won’t shut up about it (sorry not sorry) but I really wanted to write down my experience, mostly for me, but I’m sharing it because so many of you have been amazingly supportive all the way through my disastrous first attempt to my eventual victory. So here it is, and if you just want to hear about Oscar and the play you can skip a ways down, lol. 

I wanted to see this play from the moment it was announced. I mean, it’s obvious that I love Oscar’s beautiful face and he just appeals to me in general, but I absolutely love him as a performer. So the idea of seeing him live, in Shakespeare, was just… But I kind of pushed it off, because it would have been an enormous expense. The tickets weren’t cheap, I live halfway across the country so there would be airfare, hotels, Uber/taxi fare, food… I’m not where I thought I would be in life at this particular point so it just didn’t seem feasible.

And then.

The play began. I started hearing about it. And I thought… if I don’t at least try, I’m going to regret it forever. I have far too many regrets in my life for still being young, stemming from my natural introversion and anxiety and from the fact that I have always, always tried to be responsible and level-headed and do what’s expected of me. But I just thought… fuck it. I am going to do something ridiculous for once in my life just because I want to.

The tickets were sold out, obviously, so I started searching for inevitably over-priced secondhand ones. I found one that wasn’t too bad. I found a hostel a mile away from the theater, I booked a flight, I took off work. I went to NYC by myself to see Oscar Isaac play Hamlet.

And then it got cancelled. I was devastated, guys, I think you all know that. The theater employee told me Oscar was ill and I just thought… you know what? That figures. It figures that I would do this crazy thing and it would crash to hell.

So I went back home. I’d had a nice time beforehand exploring parts of the city on my own but the memory of standing there and hearing that lady tell me it was cancelled and going back outside and just… It soured the whole thing.

I called my mother. I told her I was so disappointed that all I could think about was trying to go back. She told me that I should take a few days and let it settle, think about it, but it was my money.

That was Thursday. On Friday I was checking StubHub again and figuring out what day I could make it work. August is our busiest month of the year and a blackout period where no one can take off. Because of my promotion last year I don’t work weekends anymore but in August I do. I thought, okay, I’m working weekends the second half of the month, but if I go just before then, on a Friday evening or Saturday morning, see the play Saturday, and come back on Sunday, that won’t affect anything. Saturday the 12th was squashed right in between undoable time periods and literally the only day all month I thought I could make work.

On Saturday I went back to looking for tickets and flights and the hostel. I found one ticket, more expensive than last time but not overly ridiculous (and I had had my first ticket refunded) for Saturday the 12th. I found plane tickets only slightly higher than before. The hostel was 20 bucks a night more than when I’d stayed during the week but still cheap. I dithered.

Then chelliaphra told me that was the day she and her friend were going, and then she offered to let me stay in their hotel room, and I went !!!!!

I dithered a bit more, the seller upped their ticket price (BASTARD), I bought it anyway. I was going to fucking see this fucking play if it killed me, which seemed better than stewing in regret and disappointment.

This time it was a physical ticket they mailed to me. It arrived and the seller had SCRATCHED THEIR NAME OUT SO IT LOOKED LIKE I FUCKING STOLE IT. I mean, the name on the ticket was bad last time, it gave me anxiety, but at least it was a woman’s name so unless they ID’ed me, which seemed unlikely, it would have been fine. But this was SCRATCHED OUT LIKE I STOLE IT OH MY GOD. I had to call StubHub because I was freaking out. StubHub, or at least the woman I spoke with, has excellent service and made me feel better. I was still going to freak out until my butt was actually in my seat in the theater, but I felt reassured.

My dad’s reaction was the greatest. I told him, hey, so you know how I went to New York to see a play and the play was cancelled? Well, I bought another ticket and I’m going back. My dad just went, ‘oh no’. LMAO. Then he said he hoped it was a hell of a play and I was too embarrassed to admit that I cared less about what the play was than who was in it. :D (I mean, Oscar could have been in the shittiest production of fuck knows what and I would have wanted to see it.)

So I went back to NYC! I was so anxious I was nauseous, I slept maybe 4 or 5 hours, I got up at 3:30 am Saturday morning to catch my flight. I wandered around midtown partly to pass the time, partly to do the tourist thing because it was a different part of the city from what I’d seen last time, and partly to distract myself from how badly I was freaking out, to minor success.

I met chelliaphra and brehaaorgana, who were totally lovely (and I know this wasn’t your intent but thanks for actually making me eat! I was in NYC roughly 48 hours last time and ate exactly one actual meal, and I know myself enough to know I would not have eaten at all this time if I hadn’t been with you so thank you, lol) and we went to our hotel, which was AMAZING, I will never stay anywhere that nice again for the rest of my life, I am sure. Yay accidental free upgrades! \o/ There was a pillow menu!!

I got my period in the hotel, of course, which helped contribute to my severe nausea, like, omg, I was dying. I was so anxious over everything, over my ticket, over the play actually happening, over every stupid thing I could be anxious about. No even the truly magnificent comic book store (next to door to the magnificent bookstore I explored last time) could do much for me.

Actually arriving at the Public made me feel worse, if that can be believed, I was having flashbacks of how utterly shitty I had felt, looking at the corner where I’d called my mom and cried, remembering how fucking horrible I had felt walking down the street and figuring out what the hell I was going to do now. Thankfully we didn’t pass the awful bench I’d sat on feeling miserable, lol, before I walked to the park and wrote fanfic.

We took obligatory pics next to the poster of Oscar. We went inside. I was dying. Chelliaphra went with me to the desk to see if they could reassure me about the ticket but mostly it was down to StubHub. The announcement that the doors had opened came over the speaker and we went up so at least if there was a problem I’d be at the front. I thought I might vomit.

When the woman scanned my barcode and the “good!” beep happened I almost cried I was so relieved, it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard in my life.

And then my butt was in the seat!!!!! It was fine!!! I was going to see the play!!!!

Chelliaphra and brehaaorgana had seats in the front row and my jealousy was epic, tbh, but honestly I was so happy just to actually be there, after everything, that I would have stood in the doorway or something and thought that was good enough. The theater was very small, anyway, so all the seats felt pretty intimate. I was in the first row at the top of one of the aisles so it was actually rather nice, though I did end up having a bad angle for a little bit of it, Oscar had his back to me for one of the really key emotional scenes, which was a bummer, but whatever.

And the play! If you are looking for a critical evaluation of the play, this is not it. I had never seen Hamlet performed before and I read it once in school but that was a while ago. The closest I’ve come to seeing it was watching the movie version of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, lol. I had zero expectations of how it should be.

I fucking loved it. It was wild. It clearly was a non-traditional staging and I dug every minute of it. Oscar was phenomenal. Just… OMG. He is such a brilliant performer and seeing him live was something else, I will never forget it. He has so much energy and intensity and he knew how to play to the entire room; he made you feel like he cared about every person in the audience and he made eye contact with EVERYONE, no matter how crappy your seat was.

He speaks Shakespeare as naturally as you or I would speak to each other, like it’s how he normally talks, so it feels conversational and everyday. You forgot he was actually speaking Shakespeare because it just rolled off his tongue as if that’s how he always speaks. His comedic timing is SO GOOD, I did not know Hamlet could be that funny. He pushed troll!Hamlet to a whole new level. His gestures, his body language, everything. A few favorite moments were when he makes this mocking kissing gesture to his mother, and when he was running around dragging Polonius’ body in a sheet before stowing it in the audience, and the ‘may I lay my head in your lap’ bit, when he’s joking about his, uh, parts, and he just like raises his leg up and gestures and I died for multiple reasons. I also loved the use of the comfy sweater, Ophelia wears it, and then throws it back at Hamlet when she’s returning his gifts, and then Hamlet wears it.

And he was so moving, dear lord. Watching him play Hamlet’s grief and loss was incredible. Knowing that he lost his mother this year really gave it an extra emotional impact, because you know that had to have informed his performance, I mean, the thrust of the play is the loss of Hamlet’s father. (Also I would just like to say that I was attacked by the playbill, like, it literally says the play is dedicated to Oscar’s mother, and in his little bio bit it says it again, ‘dedicated to my mother’, GOD I HATE FEELINGS.) When he cried it was impossible not to cry with him, he was so heartbreaking and moving. You could literally hear the sniffling across the audience. The scene where he sees his father’s ghost was amazing, and he was so good in Act Two in the big emotional part with Gertrude.

And, you know, Oscar with blood on his face is the most Extra.

Everyone knows about the lasagna but watching it was… I mean, he sat on a table and railed at a tray of lasagna with a knife and you could not look away, and when he says, ‘why what an ass am I,’ it was like you could finally breathe again.

(The lasagna was an A+ prop, btw, for the way Oscar murders it and for the way Ophelia just digs into it post-spurning Hamlet. And my friends informed me it smelled amazing, lol.)

And, yes, he spends a lot of time in his underwear (very small well-fitted underwear that sometimes rode up a bit one side and obviously I noticed, sorry not sorry). Um. He looked great in it. His ass is FINE, and I feel like this post would be lacking if I didn’t call attention to that. (He killed the lasagna in his underwear, for the record.) There was a bit in Act Two when he was watching the players where he was leaning over the back of a chair just in front of where I was sitting and that was indeed a perfect angle because DAMN. His shirt fell down to cover the front most of the time but yeah, that was not bad either, lol (and my friends confirm the answer to the question is cut, in case you were wondering). But all that being said, he was running around in his underwear and you couldn’t not look but he is also just such a fantastic performer that he was in his underwear and you were still mesmerized by the actual performance. Also I just liked it as a dramatic interpretation, I mean, he comes out when Hamlet’s meant to be a bit mad, no pants, a toilet seat protector around his neck, his hair sopping, reading the newspaper. It worked. Later on when he’s dressed again he whips the sweats back off to show his madness (or, as can be debated, his “madness”) again and I just really bought it.

Plus, he sang! Having never seen it, and only read it the once, I have no idea if that’s common practice or if it was just Oscar (I feel like it was just Oscar??), but I Approve. God his voice is lovely, I have witnessed Oscar singing in person, I can die happy.

Also I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about his hair because it’s me, hair is my thing, and Oscar’s hair… It was shorter but it was on point, and let me tell you, his hair just does that naturally. You know what I mean. It got wet a bunch of times and he would run his hands through it and it just curls like that, like, ridiculous, his hair is fucking amazing.

Of course I was there for Oscar but I greatly enjoyed the cast in general. I thought Gertrude and Claudius were amazing playing off each other and off Oscar, Ophelia was lovely (and what a beautiful voice!), Polonius was especially amusing in his ‘imparting wisdom’ bits (and looool at the bathroom as set piece), I really liked Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and Laertes was from Preacher! The gravediggers were played by Ophelia and Polonius and they were very funny. Ophelia knocked me in the head with her potted plant when she came down the aisle to cover Polonius with dirt and flowers and I felt blessed, lol.

But Keegan-Michael Key, OMG. What a fabulous actor. I knew he would be hilarious but I wasn’t expecting to be moved quite so much by his drama, his closing lines were especially good. I loved how much they played up the Hamlet/Horatio relationship, all the face touching, dear lord, and Oscar kissed him on the mouth! I kinda ship it now, tbh. I know Hamlet/Horatio fic exists and I feel like this performance should inspire more, lol.

But, you know, I have to note the play within a play, the reenactment of the murder of the king to try to provoke Claudius, with Keegan as the king and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as the faux Gertrude and Claudius. It was EPIC. They were all great, with their large, overdrawn movements, but Keegan was… The audience was in hysterics watching his over-played parody of a death, and damn if he didn’t go Extra for us. Oscar was sitting there covering his face to try to hide that he was laughing (we all saw you Oscar) and you could just see his OH MY GOD. Keegan did a ‘thank you!!’ to us at the end.

Oh, and the cellist! There was a cellist playing background music and they used him quite amusingly at times, like when Claudius basically tells him to fuck off.

For the gravediggers scene, Oscar and Keegan came down the aisle to sit in the audience, and Oscar was perfectly diagonal to my seat and let me tell you, his eyelashes are INCREDIBLE. So fucking long. Ridiculous. How is he real, seriously. But that was an impressive bit, Oscar is stunning in the famous ‘Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio’ monologue, and the actual funeral, fucking hell, he killed it and he killed me, and the way it cuts out after he and Laertes have just wrestled over the burial ground with Horatio trying to stop it and Hamlet is just lying there clutching Ophelia to himself killed me again.

And there was fencing, of course! I loved the fencing. Oscar put on the white shirt with the codpiece thing and I approved. Damn the fencing was excellent. And obviously then it was sad because it’s Hamlet and everyone dies. The finale was all rather gutting, good job all around.

So the play was wild and I loved it in a very non-judging way, I was just immensely entertained and I loved the cast and Oscar was fucking phenomenal. Obviously we gave them all a standing ovation.

I feel like I should mention now just how fucking tired I was. By this point I’d been awake about 20 hours on almost no sleep, and had spent the day an anxious, nauseous wreck. I was SO TIRED. OMG.

THEN. OSCAR. We asked an usher about seeing the actors and she told us that unfortunately, if we were hoping to see Mr. Isaac, he usually didn’t stay on Saturday nights. So we were bummed and went outside to find somewhere to get food. But I had to pee horribly so I went back inside and I won’t lie, I was totally taking my time because I was thinking maaaaaaybe, maybe if I stay long enough he actually will come out, or maybe the other actors will, and then I came out and thought damn, it’s louder than when I went in, and there was a crowd, and I looked, and THERE WAS OSCAR OH MY GOD OMG!!!!!!!!!

Chelliaphra and brehaaorgana had already come back in on account of the commotion so yay! We waited for Oscar! There were so many people! He looked fucking exhausted! I felt so bad, actually, at taking up his time when he probably wanted to go eat and be face first in his bed, but he was such a sweetheart and stayed and smiled for everyone, he was so lovely and gracious.

I tried taking some pics of him standing there but there were seriously so many people. But I got my moment! He was so nice!! He smiled at me and made eye contact and John Boyega is 10000000% correct, it is really hard to look away from his face, he is so damned handsome. Like, fuck. He is a beautiful man. No one should be that beautiful in real life, it is unreal, like, you look at celebrities and you know there’s make-up, there’s photoshop and airbrushing, but goddamn, he is so beautiful up close. SO BEAUTIFUL. Also he smells great. And he is so small! I did not expect him to be so small! Like, I knew he wasn’t actually very tall but it’s just startling in person how small he actually is, he’s just tiny and compact and cute, I love him.

So it is a miracle I actually formed words. I was so nervous my hand was shaking and my brain would not function properly, IDK, partly how tired I was, partly how shy I am, partly OSCAR ISAAC IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME FUUUUUUUCK. I also was so anxious not to bother him any more than I already was, or take up more of his time, because I felt so bad, he looked so tired and he was being so sweet, I felt guilty at bothering him. So I really barely could make myself say anything beyond asking for what I wanted and thanking him five thousand times, I don’t even know if I ever told him how much I loved the play, like, damn, I hope I did.

He took a pic with me, I think you’ve already all seen it!! I stood right next to Oscar and he took a pic with his face next to my face!!! And he totally signed my Kylo Ren journal, that is full of fanfic, a good deal of which is Poe/everyone, I am deeply, deeply amused by this. I had originally wanted him to sign my playbill too but I felt guilty asking so I just got the journal. I’d thought about bringing a Poe comic for him to sign, maybe the #1 variant that has him on the cover, but it wouldn’t fit in my purse and I had like this tremendous embarrassment at the idea of having to carry it around and keep it on my lap during the play (I was already a bundle of anxious nerves so this probably sounds stupid to everyone else but I just did not need the added anxiety), so the journal worked because I always have it in my purse anyway, and it just really really amused me to have Oscar Isaac sign my Kylo Ren fanfic journal. I half want to never touch it again because I’m afraid of wrecking it but I also want to, like, write something particularly trashy in it now, haha. (Of course, a lot of what it currently contains is plenty trashy!!) Because I am an awkward dork when I went to the comic shop and was struggling to think of something to say to not-boyfriend beyond ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’ I blurted out some nonsense about wondering if he knew how to take care of autographs, and I ended up showing him my Oscar Isaac signed Kylo Ren journal (WHY AM I LIKE THIS I HATE MYSELF), but I might take his suggestion and put it in one of my comic protector bags.

Oh, also! He was wearing that backpack he always has, that he clips in the front like a 5 yo whose mom made him do it except he’s a grown ass man and chooses to do it, he is so adorable and dorky, I love him.

As we were leaving we saw Gayle Rankin (Ophelia) by the door so we stopped and talked to her and she signed our playbills. I’m a bit bummed we didn’t see anyone else but tbh, Keegan-Michael Key could have been standing right next to me and I would not have noticed because OSCAR OH MY GOD.

We found out later that Lupita Nyong’o had been there too, and I’m so sad I didn’t see her, her bone structure is sooooo lovely, it would have been so cool to see her beautiful face in person, plus I think she and Oscar are so cute. But alas. I suppose at least I can say I was in the same room as Lupita!

So we went for pizza (again, thanks for making me eat guys, even if you didn’t know you were doing it!) and went back to the amazing fancy hotel and I sent my pic to like everyone I know, and I was just so blindingly happy, and I was fucking exhausted but I was so hyped I barely slept anyway, I would doze a little and go back on Tumblr and doze a little and text my mom, it was ridiculous, lol.

And that was my adventure with Hamlet and Oscar! It was so stressful and I was ridden with anxiety and I spent way too much money I shouldn’t have spent and at times it was crushingly disappointing, but in the end it all worked out and I had an amazing time, definitely one of my greatest experiences ever that I will cherish forever. I’m so glad I got to meet chelliaphra and brehaaorgana, as much of an introvert as I am and as much as I did like wandering around NYC on my own without any socialization pressure, it was so great getting to nerd out with them over Oscar and the play and they made it so much more fun. Plus, I appreciated the moral support when I was dying beforehand, lol. Thank you so much to everyone who put up with me through this whole thing, when I was freaking out and when I was miserable and when I was exploding with nerdy joy. <3 I’m sorry this is so long! I feel like I am leaving things out anyway!

Bottom line: OSCAR ISAAC IS BEAUTIFUL AND A FANTASTIC ACTOR AND A LOVELY HUMAN BEING AND HE HAS A GREAT ASS.

Sometimes being utterly ridiculous and just saying ‘fuck it’ totally works out, guys!

[sarahinzhuhai-blog]

到了香港(Arrived in Hong Kong)

I would say what a day, but I’m not sure if it was one day or two. We started off just like the day before, waking up a little bit earlier for breakfast at a different place. Thanks to my expert skills, my shoes were dry after placing them on the vent last night to help them to dry. My socks, not so much, so it was on the vent to help them dry during breakfast. // After breakfast, we finished up packing. Some of my friends were already done, so Anthony and Alec came to my room and started “Sarah-nading me.” I played a masterful rendition of twinkle twinkle little star on the violin, and then we found out that Isabel used to play violin and got her to play a bit for us. We hung out in room 547 for a bit, which Anthony and Alec insist is The Place To Be. I don’t have a lot of time to blog, so I’m going to skip a ton of details. We went to the airport, had some ridiculously overpriced food, and eventually, got on the plane (which was only a few minutes delayed). The next 16 hours or some of the most surreal of my entire life. I only slept for maybe 5 hours on and off, which was a balance of contorting myself and then moving when one of my limbs fell asleep. There was a baby on the plane who was NOT having a good time, and I felt bad because I accidentally gave the mom a stinkeye but totally didn’t mean to--I felt awful. // The entire trip was a strange combination of the darkness inside the plane and the astounding brightness outside, particularly as we went north. It was daytime outside the plane the entire trip, and nighttime inside for same length of time. // The most outstanding moment was when we passed over the Arctic. We opened up the window and got to see all the ice–the sky was completely clear. I’ve never seen anything like that. I didn’t have a window seat so I only looked at it briefly by clambering over my friends’ seats, but it was breathtaking nonetheless. I felt bad because opening the windows made the whole plane super bright, and our group was looking at it/taking pictures for a really long time, so we were being the Obnoxious Americans™ of the trip, but oh well. To quote Alec, “ya no tengo la dignidad. // Also, a bit before that, XY, Princess Isabel (aka Student Isabel) and I did hydrating face masks, because hydration is the key to success. Then we tapped Queen Isabel (aka RD Isabel) and scared her because she wasn’t expecting what she saw (it was NOT a good look on any of us). // As we flew into HK, it was finally dusk for the first time in the last 24 hours since we woke up in NYC. There were clouds everywhere, and it was the kind of misty gray that reminds you of an enchanted forest from some movie. Layers and layers of lumps of gray suspended in the sky. I’m no author–use your imagination cause this description isn’t doing it. As we flew over the clouds, I just barely caught glimpses of what was outside through my friends window, but what I saw was the glow of the city lights through the clouds. It was gorgeous, like an orange ember glowing through the semidarkness. // After arriving in HK, everything has been so crazy and amazing. As we were walking down the terminal, and official went up to XY and started saying “take off your hat, take off your hat!” At first, she was really confused, but after she took it off, they quickly scanned her forehead with a thermometer in order to check for a fever. I thought this was really interesting–a rapid fire random test to prevent people from bringing in illnesses. After we got farther down the terminal, Alec realized he forgot his wallet so he had to go back and we waited for about thirty minutes in the corner. A nice flight attendant took a group picture for us. First TMI discovery of the day: in Hong Kong, at least at the airport, instead of toilet seat covers like in America, they have these wipes that you can use to clean the seat. // Then we went through customs and it only took 5 minutes, even though like three other planes had come while we were waiting (by the way, Alec successfully found his wallet…yay!) // Then we met Sihong (the program coordinator) and her friend Emily! They were so nice–Sihong actually immediately recognized me, and then they bought us some 包子 (baozi, a steamed bun with different kinds of filling). Mine was some sort of sweet meat filling and it was delicious. I had a full conversation in Chinese with Emily and we all got on the bus to go to our hotel. As we were loading the bags into the bus, we were standing in one of the bus parking spaces. As we were standing there, another bus pulled up and started pulling into the space at full speed. That was sort of frightening. Then he stopped, honked at us, and kept going. We hopped out of the way and safely got our bags into the bus. // As we drove back, we had a chance to see HK, and it is everything I expected from pictures and more. The apartment buildings are huge, tall, and very close to each other, their light reflecting off the water. The industrial areas and ports were so big it almost made me feel a bit uneasy, and downtown was absolutely stunning–so many bright and colorful lights, so much going on…I’ve never experienced anything like it. We’re staying downtown, so we got to drive right through the center of the action. Another note of interest: they drive on the left here, which was pretty neat. // Alec and I were talking about how crazy it is that there are these millions of people living here, and all of them have their own story, lives, concerns, goals, etc...it's sort of overwhelming to think about // The hotel room is quite nice (smaller than your typical American room), and right now I’m hanging out in my complimentary slippers and Katie and I are getting really confused by this news (?) show–the newscasters are wearing some pretty intense outfits and the editing is very different from American news. It’s getting late and I need to try to avoid jet lag, so it’s bedtime. Tomorrow, we’re going exploring and then finally, off to Zhuhai! ✌️️

[38-planes]

Come From Away Actress Jenn Colella is Out, Polyamorous & Tony-Nominated

Out.com [May 8th, 2017]

One of the Broadway season’s biggest hits, the seven-time Tony nominated Come From Away is a rousing, folksy show about the real-life incident where planes were diverted to a small town in Newfoundland on 9/11 and, for the most part, its passengers were welcomed and celebrated.

A testament to human decency, the show features a gay male couple who slink around the town, terrified of stepping into homophobia, but feel way more comfortable when they realize the people there are just plain nice. The show’s LGBTQ presence is upped by the fact that Beverley Bass, the lady pilot who landed the musical’s central plane in Canada, is played by the self-described “mostly gay” Jenn Colella, who just got her first Tony nomination for Best Featured Actress in a Musical. Jenn debuted on Broadway in 2003 in Urban Cowboy and has many other credits to her name (including shows like High Fidelity and Chaplin).

I recently caught up with her to discuss her work and personal life.

Hi, Jenn, Congrats on the nomination. I heard that Beverley Bass, the pilot you play, adores the show so much, she’s a repeat viewer.

She’s seen it 62 times. She loves it. She’s not just given it her stamp of approval, she cries and gasps every time as if it’s her first time. She was the first female captain on American Airlines. She was retired, but since the show, she started to creep back into flying. It ignited it again.

When did you meet her?

Not until the last preview in La Jolla (the California venue where it played pre Broadway). In a restaurant, we spotted each other across the room and she came up to me and said, “I think you’re playing me.” I said, “I think you’re right.” She has definitely helped inform some of the things people put into the show. There are more stories she shared with the writers that got integrated, and I started adding little mannerisms of hers to make it as authentic as possible.

The message of the show is so uplifting that you must get incredible responses to it.

It’s been awesome, especially right now. It’s become the norm to be mean and spit vitriol at people, and we’ve gotten out of the practice of kindness. This shows us to practice kindness and says that we are all inherently good, which I deeply believe.

With the conversation about immigration raging, Come From Away reminds us how we need to welcome foreigners.

100%. I couldn’t agree more. When tragedy happens, you don’t care about their religion or socioeconomic background or where they stand politically. You shouldn’t at any time. I think these Canadians live this way all the time. It’s a reminder that it’s possible all the time.

Speaking of living openly: Were you always out in your career?

I wasn’t until I did an off-Broadway play [in 2008] called The Beebo Brinker Chronicles, taken from the Ann Bannon pulp fiction novels, playing a butch lesbian. I was getting a lot of attention, and it didn’t feel right not to be out anymore. It felt ridiculous, in fact. When I first got to New York, I was encouraged by people I respected to not come out. But I couldn’t do that anymore.

In 2013, you played a lesbian again in If/Then. You’re getting typecast.

[Laughs] Awesome, that’s great. Let’s do that all day long.

You told the New York Times you’re “mostly gay.” Offstage, are you dating or married?

I’m in a polyamorous relationship. I’m currently dating a married couple [a man and a woman]. They live in D.C. And I’ve also just started dating another woman.

Is she in the business?

Yes.

So these are obviously open relationships.

Yes.

In fact, you’ve said that your girlfriend is now on OK Cupid. Have you ever had longtime monogamous lovers?

Many. I’ve been married twice, and I used to joke that chicks love it when you propose.

But we haven’t had same-sex marriage long enough for you to have been married that many times.

It wasn’t legal. The first one was in ’95—a big ceremony in South Carolina [where Jenn was born and grew up]. It was a huge uproar. I was 21 and she was 10 years my elder, and the state newspaper covered my wedding and they had thousands of cancellations of the newspaper in protest. Then I remarried nine years ago, and it still wasn’t quite legal then. That one was dissolved as well. I’ll probably stop proposing. [laughs]

Why did you go ahead with these ceremonies if they weren’t legal?

The ritual of it. Humans love rituals. We like to get together and celebrate and make proclamations. It means so much. I don’t regret it. Both were incredible marriages and beautiful weddings.

What’s your best feature as person?

My practice of kindness. It’s really something I’m dedicated to. I try to treat each person I meet with respect and be as pleasant as possible.

Your best quality as an actor?

It might be the same. My present awareness helps me stay in the moment onstage. I believe I’m talented, but I think we’re all talented in New York, and a great deal of what I’ve accomplished is my leadership ability and my ability to help form a family on a show. I put myself in that position. They call me captain.

In every way!

I try to connect with each person. It’s kind of insane that I got a nomination when it’s such an ensemble show, but I put myself in the position where people look to me like a leader.

One last question about Beverley: Did she experience misogyny as a female pilot?

Absolutely. “Me and the Sky” [Jenn’s big song in the show] is almost directly taken from transcripts. She talks about the WWII pilots calling her “baby” and literally saying women don’t belong in the cockpit.

I guess they take the word “cockpit” very seriously.

[We both laugh].

THE SEASON IN GAY

The gay male couple in Come From Away aren’t the only LGBTQs on Broadway this season. Also up for Tonys: Lesbian playwright Paula Vogel’s Indecent is about a real-life Yiddish play that dabbled in lesbianism, to the horror of cultural oppressors. War Paint—a musical about warring cosmetics titans—has a character who shifts corporate allegiances, but is always true to his male partners. And in the realm of revivals: Falsettos deals with a man, his wife, his lover, and AIDS. Six Degrees of Separation centers on a real-life con artist who beds a hustler and flirts with anyone who can help him. And The Glass Menagerie’s narrator, Tom—based on author Tennessee Williams—has always had gay subtext, but with openly gay Joe Mantello playing him, it’s possible it comes out even more. The season also brought us a gay who has trouble dating, a small-town gay who’s not afraid to let his father know, and same-sex couples dancing at a ball.

Among the Tony nominees are the openly LGBTQ David Hyde-Pierce, Andrew Rannells, Gavin Creel, and Nathan Lane. And Jenn Colella! Congrats to all for a diverse and stimulating bunch of work.

A TARD DAY’S NIGHT

A polyamorous couple comprises one of the sketches in Unitard’s show Tard Core (There Are No Safe Words) at Joe’s Pub, but that sort of thing is mercilessly skewered, as per usual with this troupe. (“We have rules. You can cum in their mouth, but you can’t hold hands.”) In the riotously funny show—which will have you spitting out your overpriced wine—the comic trio also lampoons people who troll Whole Foods for tofu key lime pies; Facebook addicts who are horrified that someone else posted a photo of their breakfast burrito and got more likes than their own inane posts; and Russian hackers who discover that Hillary’s password is “Monicasucks.”

The show starts with the long running trilogy of terror—David Ilku, Nora Burns, and Mike Albo—as folk singers musically lamenting what’s happened to New York City. (“Where have all the porn shops gone? Turned into Soul Cycles and nail salons.”) But while the edge-depletion of the new NYC is one of their favorite targets, Unitard also makes fun of anyone who whines about it too much. A satirical Mod Squad for the new age, they hold a mirror to our pretensions while carving up soulless real estate agents, fruity designers who’ve crash landed on QVC, and the desperate Ann Coulter, who has a cell phone battery for a heart. Best of all are the Narcissists Olympics sketch and one in which the comics are hemorrhoids popping up in Trump's butt and dodging all the fatty foods. No one is better at satirizing up-to-the-minute foibles than these three kooks. I would just add an 11 o’clock sketch probing some really dark pathos and despair, just to bring things to a different level, but having nonstop hilarity is nothing to kvetch about.

STAND BACK

Pure entertainment was also on display at the 27th annual Night of 1000 Stevies, a riveting Stevie Nicks tribute at Irving Plaza, where “enchantresses of ceremony” Chi Chi Valenti, Paul Alexander and Hattie Hathaway, and DJ Johnny Dynell presided over swarms of twirling, spinning wiccans and vegans. The Garbo theme added yet another diva into the mix—the Jackie Factory is genius at blending metaphors—and the show sizzled with performers like Xavier, Divine Grace, and Amber Martin, who rocked the place with a fierily fierce “Angel.” “Stevie has a pre-existing condition,” I told the crowd as one of the night’s presenters. “She’s fabulous!”

SAINTS AMONG US

Tom Eubanks’ Ghosts of St. Vincent’s is a memoir about the legendary NYC hospital (now closed), which catered to AIDS patients like Eubanks, who also has researched the place’s extraordinary history from 1849 to 2010. I asked Eubanks, an old clubbing/ACT UP friend, to relate the most eye-opening things he learned about the hospital as a patient and author. He replied, “During my repeated stays during the height of the crisis, two things opened my eyes: time is subjective and friends are paramount. When you’re dying—or told that you’re dying and being asked if you’d like to see a priest about last rites—you achieve a kind of peace you never imagined on a deathbed. All sense of time ceases; it’s unnecessary, really. The only ones who gain any perspective when you’re dying are the people who visit.

“When you’re told that you will live, time and perspective return full-force. As I write in the book, it was a cruel trick Jesus played on Lazarus. That’s what AIDS did to all of us who made it through the maelstrom. The hospital’s destruction to make way for luxury housing illustrates the moving on of time we never thought we’d have. Also, it’s crucial to note that those of us who spent time on the seventh floor of St. Vincent’s learned a lot about selflessness, especially from the nurses and few remaining nuns.

“In a juicier vein, through my research I learned that St. Vincent’s was responsible for plenty of true life resurrection stories in its 161 years, with characters like Edna St. Vincent Millay, Sidney Lumet, Gloria Vanderbilt, Cardinal Franny Spellman, Ed Koch, the Ramones, Sam Wagstaff, Robert Mapplethorpe, Vito Russo, and others, about whom I write in the book.”

VALLEY OF THE DOLLS

In 1982, Hal Prince directed a gigantic flop of a Broadway musical in A Doll’s Life, a sequel to the 1879 Ibsen classic A Doll’s House, about a woman who breaks free of male oppression and finds liberation. Critics thought the original play was perfect enough, thank you, and found the musical additions uninvolving and unnecessary. If anything didn’t cry out for a sequel, it seemed, it was A Doll’s House. But here comes Lucas Hnath’s new play, A Doll’s House, Part 2, which shockingly makes the same premise work. First of all, Hnath starts the action 15 years after Nora Helmer has walked out on her husband Torvald (Chris Cooper), so he doesn’t even recognize her when he’s confronted with her again. (He never did notice her much anyway). Furthermore, the play—under Sam Gold’s direction—often attains a screwball comedy tone, with modern thinking and behavior mixed in and some wacky interactions that make things seem very now. The killer is that Nora—who’s now a successful writer of women’s books and has come back to finally make her divorce official—still faces battles with each person she talks to, whether Torvald, who still can’t see how he condescends to her; the chatty maid, Anne Marie (Jayne Houdyshell), who keeps insisting that Torvald isn’t necessarily unhappy without Nora; and Nora’s even chattier daughter, Emmy (Condola Rashad), who refuses to believe Mama’s idea that while love is grand, marriage is just enslavement. The resulting debates about romantic entanglement, responsibility, and compromise are fresh and entertaining, and there’s also pathos in the fact that Nora is still seeking validation. (Hnath has said that Nora and Torvald don’t really get to hash things out in Ibsen’s play, so he wanted to give them the chance to do so).

Miriam Buether’s set has the title in neon, which rises up (as the house lights stay on throughout the play), revealing simple furniture surrounded by very tall walls, making this home feel like a difficult one to escape, especially twice. Cooper is fascinating (and refuses to make his character an ogre), Houdyshell is hilarious, and Rashad is truly electric, with direct and affectless spoutings of Emmy’s logic. As Nora, Metcalf commands the stage, using all her expert comic and dramatic skills to create one of the season’s most indelible performances. I generally deplore sequels, but I hope they do A Doll’s House, Part 3.

MULTI-CULTI BROUHAHA

Notice that when I mentioned Rashad as Metcalf’s daughter, I didn’t say anything about the fact that she’s black. Who cares? She's brilliant. And while her casting is one of director Gold’s purposely novel touches, it’s not the first time she’s played a role written for a white person. She was Juliet in 2013’s Romeo and Juliet, cast because she’s good. And this season, the African American Denee Benton is playing the female lead in Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812, and it didn’t bother me—or the Tony committee, which nominated her for Best Actress in a Musical—since she doesn’t happen to be Russian either. It’s theater. It’s acting. And I’ve long felt that people who aren’t white should not be penalized for their color and limited to roles any more than white people have been—and lord knows, Jonathan Pryce got flack for playing the Eurasian Engineer in Miss Saigon in 1991, but he also won raves and a Tony for it. Ideally, they should get the person who’ll give the best performance—and in the current production of Miss Saigon, it’s Jon Jon Briones, who’s fabulous. (And I didn’t sit there going, “But the character is half Vietnamese and half French, whereas Briones is Filipino American!”) Similarly, Glenn Close and Bette Midler might not be the right age for Sunset Boulevard and Hello, Dolly!, respectively—they’re older than what’s written—but they’re definitely the right people for the part.

Years ago, I got a screaming email from a theater writer (who just recently nabbed the critic’s job at a popular Broadway site). Since we were friendly, I thought he was going to say, “Thanks for doing that panel for me, which you just did,” but there were no niceties involved. He just launched into a fuming rant about how woefully wrong I was regarding something I’d written about multi-cultural casting. Seeing as his screechy email didn’t even bother to say specifically what he was reacting to, I had to dig into my brain and remember that months earlier, I had written a throwaway, light hearted sentence on the subject for a long-lead-time magazine. Lest I argue back, the writer’s screed included a pre-arranged defense, saying, “And don’t say people don’t usually sing in real life either!” blah blah blah, thereby trying to block any discussion on the matter. He had decided I was guilty of journalistic treason for not wanting to theatrically limit black actors to roles written for people of color—and my light hearted comment hadn’t even really said what I think on the subject.

But he guessed right. As I’ve said, I am in favor of not relegating black people to only Raisin in the Sun, Porgy and Bess, Showboat, and August Wilson plays (and some other works). Some of those are great properties, but—with white people controlling the business for so many years—it becomes an unfairly limiting palette for those who didn’t happen to be born white. So, if Audra McDonald wants to play Maria Callas, I say fine. She’d no doubt be magnificent, and I can use my imagination for five seconds and then forget about her skin color for the rest of the show. I also don’t think trans people should just play trans people. They should play all people, just like cis people get to do. And last year, I liked The Taming of the Shrew with Janet McTeer as Petruchio and the biracial Cush Jumbo as Katherina. This season, I had no problem with multiracial castings in shows like Groundhog Day and Present Laughter and I didn‘t hear anyone else gripe about it either.

Of course, someone might interject, “But what if a white person played Othello?” I’d reply that the point of multi-cultural casting isn’t for white people to get more roles. And also, that things get sticky when you’re dealing with plays that are specifically about race. But ideally, if everyone becomes able to nab a larger variety of parts, that should be a viable possibility too, once we’ve arrived at a more equitable landscape. And if some bold director tries it before then, then we’d have to accept the fact that theater should retain the power to offend (though let’s definitely stop short at Olivier-like blackface. See, white people have already played the part). It’s complicated—and case by case—but I welcome alternative viewpoints, as long as they’re clear-minded and not screaming or patronizing.

[69annebowlin69]

5-6/8/19 Watching True Detective Episode Eight Finale

5/8/19

16.53

I can’t work on anything else so i’m writing this up now to salvage this afternoon. Not up for cops and pseudo-philosophy.

One night the summer we all started taking pills, we were at my dad’s house after a party, i can’t remember where my dad was, but Adam said something about how with the Picasso and Kandinsky prints on the wall, it was like a pseudo-intellectual’s house, and because i didn’t know properly what pseudo meant or had such low opinion of my family and i, i took it as a compliment, that at least we were grasping to look like something more than we were. I hate this memory. Why couldn’t i defend myself. I would defend it now. Adam’s family had a fucking New Yorker cover print framed on their wall.

16.58

Hays’ jeans are too tight; his dialogue with Hoyt is a Previously On with the eery music. It hasn’t started raining outside yet.

16.59

This mf Hoyt literally dragged Hays from his house to walk through the Ozarks swigging bourbon and sobbing about the myth of the ideal family. I hate this show. Masculine posturing bullshit, but like a parody of the machismo that people mock online. As previously mentioned, i’m not one to shy away from the Big Opinion. This season more trash than season 2.

17.07

Damn dude sometimes you gotta burn your suit at 3 in the morning, give him a break.

17.18

I had to get the torch out myself the other night. One of the giant snails disappeared. Best friend and i looked high and

17.36

Sorry, the last entry wasn’t even worth finishing, and i had to go to the toilet to scroll the 40 pictures i took of passages from books over the past year. Some of them i couldn't even remember what they were, too much Tao Lin from before i read Richard Yates and saw how problematic he was; a lot of Liveblog, maybe my fav book ever.

17.38

What i look like, a snapshot:

the cheap sports direct adidas striped sliders with nike tube socks (white)

Black chino shorts (dirty, the only proper pair of shorts i own)

T-shirt of the keith haring statue of liberty print (too hack to wear in NYC; Eve’s mum got me it)

Hair “half-up” like Eve’s

Monobrow stubble at the top of my nose that i haven’t excised in a couple of days

Beard just about too long

jaw clenched

stomach gross

My legs are so bulbous, like why was i born with such ridiculous protruding legs. Not muscly, hefty. Very gross. Gross.

17.43

All i’ll eat tonight is a peanut butter and banana sandwich and an apple. Sorry, i have to try again with other Personal Projects. I don’t want to watch this show. i can’t watch this show right now. I’m no insider but there is maybe six per cent of a chance that HBO run it back for a fourth.

***

6/8/19

20.25

Emmy said she wouldn’t be impressed if i were to get in to a fight. I laid out a whole hypothetical where someone gets thrown out the bar where we work and is needling me the whole time. I take off outside after him and we get in to it, but it’s outside work premises. Asked her A) if she thought i was meek, B) would she understand if i threw fists in that instance and C) would i get fired. She wouldn’t be impressed and thought it was the bigger thing to do to let it slide. Also the police would get involved which would effect the work thing.

Pete’s been in fights. People are always getting in fights in the past. I’ve never seen anyone i know who’s been in a fight when they were actually fighting. The fights in True Detective are all in the past. Emmy said she doesn’t think i’m meek.

20.28

Mr Scotland (Peter Mullan) also does a show set in the Ozarks and what i think is that his southern accent was so bad that it had to be edited in post production. During his dialogue, the camera cuts to a reaction shot from his equally sociopathic wife or the Arrested Development guy, which is wildly disrespectful to a man who was trying to play an abusive maniacal southern drug kingpin instead of the usual abusive maniacal alcoholic Scottish criminal. This is what happens when someone tries to branch out and why so many people are scared of failure. Anyway, we’re not here to talk about rival crime shows set in the Ozarks. We’ve got a child sex ring to uncover and Dorff heat to savour.

20.30

Would be nice to have the honesty in a relationship where you can tell one another you should probably give up on a central arterial line of your life and move elsewhere. Emmy and i tell one another something like ‘you should quit’ all the time but neither of us really believe the other when they say they will. I don’t believe her when she says I love you during sex. It feels like a placeholder for real-life emotions or intensity that she’s still waiting to feel.

20.32

Quality of office lighting: strip lights, squares placed amongst the cardboard tiles, headache grain, staticky, unnervingly silent, revealing, bags under eyes, shadowy somehow, depersonalising, unaltering.

Quality of school lights from Euphoria: suplhate glare, neon, alienating and spooky but in a fun way?, fireworks! makes you say ‘it’s like a club in here,’ glitchy, Fireworks!, transformative.

20.36

Roland in the afterglow of starting a mass bar brawl then getting emotional over a mongrel, sipping straight Jack. Damn, to have memories like that. Roland didn’t have a gf telling him it wouldn’t be impressive or cool getting into brawls.

20.38

Like how they announce Man of the Match before the Match is even over (seems presumptive), i’ll be announcing my top crushes from this season VERY shortly.

20.39

Yup, not long to go until my number one crush from this True Detective Season is announced, as well as numbers two, three and probably four and five. It’s been markedly less horny than previous seasons, so we’re including different iterations of the same characters. It’s dry out here in the 80s.

22.02

There are noises in our living room, not like threatening banging or whatever, but people. There are friends in our living room. Not that we’re here to talk about popular 90s NBC sitcoms.

23.35

Everyone is here in our flat again tonight these snails have made us so popular.

Lucy put Mr Rightside on her arm.

Mil cast Bad Medicine to the TV and Jane suggested Van Halen.

Damon put on Carlyle Williams and Mil decided he couldn't apply for a Montreal visa until he found out what Sarah wanted.

Best friend and Jane cast Cold in my Veins. Mil got sad and started rallying for the TV to be turned off.

Best friend and Jane cast a Big Train sketch where Chairman Mao is dying and then the flatlining heart monitor turns into the opening riff of Virginia Plain and Chairman Mao recovers to sing.

Best friend cast the shooting stars where Vic and Bob do Virginia Plain and we listed the most recent instances we could remember of celebrity blackface.

I text Emmy if she wanted to work together tomorrow instead of taking the mushroom pills.

I feigned interest in a story about a kayak Jane told because i think she’s cool and want her to like me.

Lucy and Damon were lame when they left. Lameon lol.

Best friend turned off the tv and he and Jane went for a tab. Mil talked about Sarah.

Jane said she could get acid for Lucy but not this weekend and left.

Steve came in to ask if he could shut the door and I left to watch this episode.

00.07

This one-eyed mf talking like it’s Wuthering Heights and he’s [whoever the Irish housekeeper is who does most of the first half’s narration]. Recalling some vague terrible accident that blighted a rich-ass family, that should have zero impact on his one-eyed ass.

00.10

His story is very Woman in Black. Would love a Pizzolato reading list from this season. Friend of the blog Nick Pizzolato, please send me your reading list and influences.

00.12

It’s always too late. No matter what we do. Damn. That’s some extremely defeatist shit. Old people, you think they all feel this way. A cop out. These detective shows, i want meaning from them. Structure. Some kind of organisation that i can understand and trace, not this.

00.21

Roland and Hays hanging out, staying over at one another’s house. Can’t wait to be old, hanging out just me and the boys. Like how homes have a similar vibe to halls, just at the point on the back end of your life, symmetrical to the front. Just playing old Final Fantasies, absolutely on pills. Distracted during family visits because i have more gaming to do and a year left at most. Sounds reassuring. The long term doesn’t matter, so you do only the things that produce instant gratification.

00.32

Googled “what’s the word for when one thing is the same on one side as it is on the other’ lol then i cried at this stupid show. Mahershala Ali transcends this dumbass show and it’s writing and is  doing something complex and satisfying and sad. Pulling together what he can of this jumble that sometimes makes sense and most of the time is not worthy of us trying to make sense of it.

00.42

Ok, here it is. True Detective season three Crush List:

5. Me all the days i wrote this and didn’t throw up whatever i’d just eaten. Very proud and horny for u, my boy

4. 1990 Roland with the rockabilly blazer

3. Hays in the tight acid wash jeans

2. Amelia’s dulcet monotone transcends being annoying around the middle of the season and turns alluring, like i need to hear it for thirty per cent each episode. It’s pretentious but in a way that makes you wish you were pretentious

1a. Hays burning his clothes in the dead of night. Mysterious. Jacked. Sweating as hell. Haunted.

1b. Everyone who checked out during the front end of this season - intelligence is a quality that personally makes me very horny and they displayed plenty of it by forseeing that this season would be a less exciting mess than last. Would love for them to contact me to just like hang out and watch a different show, if they want.