#absolutely bonkers insane movie and there's still so much heart

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

I referenced this movie in "Hunter Finally Plans The Perfect Date" so you should have known this fic was coming! Spoilers for the 2005 movie Elizabethtown but not enough that you shouldn't watch it apparently it's on Max now but I personally just bought it on Vudu bc I plan on rewatching it A LOT. I also own it on DVD. This is my favorite movie ever please watch it please.

Also there are a bunch of headcanons in this fic I'm having a blast with the world building.

28% Critics, 66% Audience

“Movie night!” Sara said, plopping down on the comfy couch and patting the seat next to her.

“So what’s this movie about?” All Hunter knew was it contained a date scene set in a cemetery, which was a Hunter Richardson specialty.

“It’s about love. And loss. It’s kind of beautiful in its own weird way.”

“Like you,” Hunter said.

“Like me. Come watch!”

Hunter settled in, having no idea what she was in for. But if it made Sara happy, then she just felt lucky to be included.

From the first few seconds Orlando Bloom was on the screen the movie was a sequence of terrible things knocking Drew to the ground and kicking him when he was down.

Immediately, without even trying, Hunter connected to Drew. She remembered the out-of-nowhere system shock when her parents had died. The holes in her life they had left and how quickly regret had crept in to fill those holes.

She glanced over at Sara, who was mouthing along with the lines.

Sara glanced over too, and grinned.

“Here she comes,” Sara said, clearly excited. Sara was watching a different movie than Hunter, one that didn’t truly begin until Kirsten Dunst stepped on screen.

“Celebrity crush,” Hunter thought. She would find out that that was an oversimplification.

Hunter saw Sara in Claire Colburn pretty quickly. Like Sara, Claire had so much passion and love that it was offputting for some, but the people who stuck around got a whole garden in bloom. Hunter could see how Drew would fall for her by the end of the movie.

But the movie was about so much more than an ex-shoe designer and a flight attendant falling in love. Hunter teared up three times before Claire appeared on the screen again. Hunter felt personally targeted as Drew reflected on the life his dad had lived and the heartwarming, overwhelming outreach of his father’s family as they held him and waited for him to grieve.

Hunter remembered feeling like a bug under a microscope, mourning but in all the wrong ways. Wanting to reach out to the people who were hurting too, but having no idea how to relate to any of her relatives.

“That could have been me,” She whispered without meaning to as Drew flipped through family photos with an aunt he clearly didn’t remember (played by Paula Deen, of all people). Sara didn’t say anything, just wrapped Hunter up in a hug, reminding her that she wasn’t under a microscope anymore. Sara saw her as she was without expecting anything more.

They were silent, enthralled, for a few more minutes, and then Sara turned to Hunter and beamed.

“The phone scene is my favorite.”

It was actually a collection of scenes, but Hunter understood why Sara liked it. After struggling through awkward conversations with his ex and his sister, Drew stumbled into an easy conversation with Claire. There was something deeply intimate about the act of staying up all night talking with someone, even if it was a stranger. Hunter hadn’t lived with Sara very long but they’d already had many late-night/early morning conversations. Hunter snuggled closer into Sara’s arms.

Hunter recognized what happened next, too, when the sun rose and they went their separate ways, both sure they’d never see each other again. When Hunter had first met Sara, she’d thought it was a stroke of dumb luck, a fluke that would never be repeated.

Instead of saying any of that, Hunter asked, “Have you ever watched the movie Fluke?”

“Huh? No,” Sara was distracted by Susan Sarandon.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” Hunter decided, not wanting to miss a moment of Sara’s favorite film.

Especially not the over-hyped cemetery scene, which Hunter didn’t find as romantic as Sara clearly did. It seemed more like two sleep-deprived people blowing off some steam. Hunter didn’t think the romance really started until they were walking back in the dark, the third late-night conversation Claire and Drew had gotten to have.

When they were talking, they felt like more than characters on a screen. They felt so vivid, so real. Claire was a person who had always gotten second place in the lives of the people who claimed they loved her, never the first choice, never the priority. Drew was only first when he was successful, and when he failed he might as well be as good as dead. Who hadn’t felt like that before, like a substitute person who could easily be recast?

Again Hunter didn’t say any of that, just leaned over and whispered, “They should make a lesbian version of this movie.”

Sara nodded earnestly. “They should cast us.”

Hunter laughed, “Yeah, they should.”

“Are you loving it?” Sara asked.

“I love you,” Hunter said, which was so much easier than saying how this silly, sappy movie was ripping her heart to shreds.

And when the stupid, silly straight couple ended the evening almost-but-not-quite kissing, Hunter couldn’t admit just how invested she was in the pairing.

It felt like she was holding her breath until Claire showed up again, just waiting for the two repressed dorks to take another baby step in their relationship. She exhaled in relief when Claire admitted, very directly, that she liked Drew. She let out an audible whoop a few minutes later when Drew finally kissed her.

Unfortunately, there was still a sizeable chunk of runtime left, which didn’t bode well for the substitute people. Fortunately, Kirsten Dunst could act her little ass off, really selling the heartbreak she felt when she realized Drew was still too hung up on his failures to love her the way she deserved to be loved.

“How are they going to come back from this one?” Hunter whispered.

“Haven’t you ever seen a romcom before?”

“A few.”

“Then trust the formula.”

Hunter had gotten so caught up in the love story that she had almost forgotten it was a movie about loss. Then the memorial hit her again with that dissociative feeling of grieving with people who all had their own version of the deceased. It was the kind of thing you never completely forgot.

Hunter squeezed her eyes shut and shuddered.

For the first time in over an hour, Sara paused the movie.

“Hun? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just remembering.”

Sara nodded, knowing exactly what Hunter was talking about.

“When did it happen? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Seven years ago. But sometimes it feels like yesterday.”

“I’m sure they were wonderful.”

“The best,” Hunter agreed. Maybe she should reach out to her family, it had been about that long since she’d seen some of them. Her dad’s brother and his family lived in the city but everyone else was scattered. Her parents had been the ones to bring them together.

“I’m sure they would be happy to know that you’re loved,” Sara said, which seemed much nicer than the usual “They’d be proud of you.”

Maybe Hunter hadn’t done anything worth their pride but she was loved, and that’s all they’d ever wanted for her.

“Go ahead and start the movie again.”

Sara did, and they watched Susan Sarandon tap dancing, and the air in the room seemed a little lighter than it was before.

Hunter was surprised to find the movie wasn’t done surprising her. The grief of the memorial turned into celebration and celebration slipped into chaos as Drew’s eccentric cousin (played, Hunter was pretty sure, by that one guy from Parks and Rec) brought down the house with a live performance of Freebird that really emphasized the Baylor family motto.

“If it wasn’t this it would be something else,” Hunter whispered.

“Exactly!” Sara said, thrilled that the movie was resonating with Hunter.

Neither of them spoke after that, until the credits rolled twentyish minutes later. It was hard to talk, when so much was happening on screen. Hunter didn’t even realize she was crying again until Sara reached over and gently brushed the tears away.

“Thank you for watching this with me, I’m sorry if it was a lot,” Sara said.

Hunter laughed a little, rubbing her eyes. “Everything about us is a lot.”

“Good point.”

“You seemed to really like Claire, is she your type?” Hunter asked, not jealous just curious.

Sara burst out laughing. “Oh no. Oh no no no no. Hun, you’re my type. But I was,” Sara thought back, “thirteen when this came out, and it changed how I saw the world.”

“Your gay awakening,” Hunter guessed.

“Sort of. I’d fallen in love with a lot of tv girls before, but I didn’t feel that way about Claire. I didn’t want to be with her, I wanted to be her. I’d never had words for those feelings before. It had never been so concrete.”

“Oh!” Hunter had known Sara was trans but she had never considered that came with an origin story. She felt kind of foolish that she’d never asked Sara about it before.

She studied Sara, a smile growing on her face. “Huh. I can see that, actually.”

Sara beamed. “Really?”

“Really. You’re a lot like her. Better, in my mind. Cuter, too.”

Sara Pena looked like she was going to swoon.

“You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Thank you for sharing this part of you with me. I like learning about what made you who you are. Because I love who you are.”

“Next time you can pick the movie. I want to learn more about you, too.”

It was only the start of their journey, but Hunter really, really liked where they were heading.

[elysiumnotes]

My 9-1-1 s8 Disaster Ideas/Wishlist

So I am going to spend the hiatus for 911 moving onto some of my brushed to the wayside hyperfixations now that the season’s over. Honestly after almost 15 years in fandom, I do not want to wade into the water of angsty ship wars and have already filtered out my tags and blocked certain blogs to ensure my peace.

However, I still will be thinking about my gay little wee woo show and I wanted to post my ideas, wishes, speculations, and predictions. Not necessarily in that order…..

Anyways! First things first, for this little post I wanted to speculate about what s8’s big disaster is going to be and my idea on how it could be done. (ABC if you’re lurking, please feel free to take the idea. You too, Tim. I give this idea away for free) What I think the s8 disaster is:

TORNADO / TWISTER

Now hear me out….as a Canadian, I have no clue if Tornadoes are common or even occur in places like LA. But with a dramatic ass show like 911 that has dealt with titanic-like cruise ship disaster, tsunami, earthquake, mudslides, wildfires, etc. it’s not out of the realm of possibility for them to completely the elemental set.

But moving onto how they would work it in…

I propose that it is used in the season premiere. (stick with me and imagine) LA is on Tornado watch and is hunkering down but the 118 get called to an emergency like they always do. (since it seems like their sector seems to be the entirety of LA, but I digress)

Unfortunately Captain Gerard is still the temp Captain while Bobby is out fighting the decision with the Chief. Obviously the crew does not gel with his leadership style which affects their ability to complete this rescue that’s in the path of the tornado.

Now this is where I get a little insane….Please stick with me on this….

This will be an Eddie centric 2 part premiere as he’s still reeling from Chris’s decision to go to Texas for the summer. (I refuse to have him leave completely) He’s kinda going stir crazy in an empty house now that his son’s not there. Instead of Buck being the normally reckless one, Eddie dives into the rescue against Gerard’s orders as the wind picks up. The tornado gets too close and the winds too strong that they can’t go after him safely and that cause the structure he’s in to collapse on him and knock him out.

Here’s the crazy part…

As he’s knocked out, we go into Eddie’s dreamscape consciousness that is just pretty much a 911 version retelling of the Wizard of Oz….

(I promise this will be a compelling arc)

…..which we will eventually learn is the movie he ended up watching the night before as had been having some cases of Insomnia now that Chris was gone.

Now you’re thinking, Elysium, that absolutely bonkers and how would they ever pull it off? Truthfully I don’t know how they would write but I can give the bare bones of what I imagine for it.

Eddie wakes up in weird not-version of LA after the Tornado passes to find a firetruck crushing the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’ Gerard.

He’ll take the Saint Christopher medal from the body (why? I don’t know… it’s his weird dream sequence about coming to terms with his grief)

No memories/vague recollection of what he’s doing. All he knows is that he has to get back home to his soul. His family.

Eventually he is found by ‘Glinda the Good Witch’ Evan ‘’Buck’ Buckley, who gives him a goal to work towards and solid advice to find the great wizard (Bobby) who should be able to grant his wish.

Obviously he will be joined by Hen & Chim as companions, each searching for their own thing. (not to be one-to-one with the Tin Man & Lion, but Hen’s thing would be about courage to fight the councilwoman and get Mara back. Chim looking for the heart could be maybe thinking about having more kids once Mara is back with Henren. You stuff like like that, idk)

Dealing with the Witch Gerard and the flying monkeys (which would be all the obstacles that the 118 face, grief about Shannon, unresolved catholic guilt, his parents taking his kid, etc)

Finally Eddie will make it to the Wizard (Bobby), the man he conflated and put on pedestal because the Good Witch Buck, who sees Bobby as his his father figure (which is a good thing don’t get me wrong), also did. Only to realize Bobby is also just a man like him, his true foil (narratively this would be made clear to the audience using flashbacks) who like him, only became grand because his pushed himself to work for it even through his grief and bad moments.

What Eddie realizes is that he was looking for his way back home to his perfect life and family, to a Chris who won’t currently be there. And that destroying himself to wait for him to come back won’t fix the issue. Glinda will also help him with this.

He realizes that the way to make amends is to do like Bobby and put the effort into that change. He going to make his home a comfortable space for Chris again, so when he does come back, he knows that things will be different. He’ll take time for himself to properly grieve Shannon (and get more therapy, god!) and take the space to delve into some self-discovery whole were at it.

Then he’ll wake up from being knocked out by his team, not including Gerard, once the Tornado is gone. Maybe they go back to the station after a checkup at the hospital and Bobby comes back saying he’s reinstated and Gerard is gone. (I’m not really planning for this stuff)

Now, I’m obviously missing some characters in this dream sequence but I don’t know where they would fit. And I’m avoiding some big sexuality and romantic notions in regards to Eddie.

Trust that I know and I want it too, but I also want to avoid the ship wars this summer. So I’ll leave it vague, even though to me the idea of Eddie being Dorothy is very explicit in what arc I want for him.

Let me know what you would cast the other 911 character as in this version of Oz. Also thank you for indulging my crazy idea. I’ll be back with more.

Also #RaviMainS8!

[thegeminisage]

for posterity (and so i can close the tab), i'm posting screenshots of the private skip/watch list i made for friends only - since i was too big of a dummy and didn't liveblog my initial tos watchthrough, to my ETERNAL FUCKING WOE, this is as close as i'm ever getting. sad! DISCLAIMER that i disagree with my past self on some of the skip/watch verdicts so please use the official spreadsheet (still a wip) as a guide if you're looking for that kind of thing.

of note from this first screencap: dagger of the mind, which i continue to feel normal about for no particular reason and definitely not relating to a movie with a brainwashing chair that came out in 2014. the corbomite manuever, which i dismissed at first and then came around to liking better later because of the little character moments. conscience of the king, which was actually the first trek episode i ever watched before i went back and did them all in official order (mistake, production order is better) and which of course got me into this mess. squire of gothos, which has this scene that inspired this fanfic. don't text.

it's also worth mentioning that i had to watch not one not two but THREE bad to mid episodes before i hit naked time and enemy within and then they put me right back in it with mudd's women. if i hadn't already seen conscience of the king and knew what was up i would have fucking quit. and that's why production order is superior

of note for this batch: the city on the edge of forever, in which a lot of important stuff happened, but also spock wore a little hat. catspaw, which is the first time i had an inkling of the idea that would later spawn this powerpoint (this is what "giving john crichton" means ifykyk). mirror mirror, which i didn't get until like a week later and then went insane over. metamorphosis, which made me so frothing mad it's unreal.

of note here: the immunity syndrome, which i have rewatched 60000 times for the spones. return to tomorrow, during which my eyes were dinnerplates start to finish. by any other name, which truly had so much going on including what i know in my heart was a tarsus iv reference. bread and circuses, which did indeed make me blush when bones pushed spock against the wall and spock went "really doctor?" i still can't think about it.

of note: the enterprise incident, which again caused mental illness related to the previously linked powerpoint. the paradise syndrome, which was the only amnesia episode, the first time kirk and spock mindmelded on screen, and so utterly fucking racist that all of that stuff was absolutely ruined beyond belief; i instantly moved to a google doc and to write down my mind palace version that doesn't involve All Of That. the one-two punch of the world is hollow + the empath, which made me a bones understander. the tholian web, which made me bonkers because i love a good fake death. plato's stepchildren, sections of which i had to watch through my fingers.

finally, of note for this batch: whom gods destroy, which unexpectedly brought back the brainwashing chair and excited me so much i had to pause the episode to collect myself. that which survives, bc the looney toons sfx made me scream laugh. requiem for methuselah, which genuinely induced a november 5th-like mania i didn't think i'd ever feel again. all our yesterdays, which was the worst i'd EVER felt for a space babe. and finally, turnabout intruder, which introduced "it's better to be DEAD than to be in the body of [x]" into my own personal lexicon.

ok that's everything! we have nine episodes left of tos to go back and watch before we move onto tng, but i know in my heart that tos will always be my favorite. i'll miss you tos :(

[project1939]

200 Films of 1952

Film number 151: Because of You

Release date: December 4th, 1952 

Studio: Universal 

Genre: noir 

Director: Jospeh Pevney 

Producer: Albert J. Cohen 

Actors: Loretta Young, Jeff Chandler, Alex Nicol 

Plot summary: Naive Christine is unknowingly set up by her gangster boyfriend Mike and spends several years in jail. While there, she studies to better herself and become a nurse's aid. Working in a military hospital after she is released, she meets and falls in love with the emotionally fragile Major Steve Kimberly. Fearing how he might react if she comes clean about her past, she continues to hide it, with disastrous consequences. 

My rating (out of 5 stars): ***¾  

Man, this movie was bonkers, but I loved every minute of it! For the first 45 minutes, it was a very solid noir with a strong female protagonist, but then it went completely off the rails. I mean completely. I was shaking my head from then on, but kind of in the best way possible- “OK, I have no idea where the hell we’re going right now, but I’ll strap myself in for the ride!” And it was a ride, all right! (some spoilers) 

The Good: 

Loretta Young. I was super impressed with her acting in this. She made me feel genuine empathy for her character even when I wanted to bop her on the head for some of the poor decisions she made! 

Jeff Chandler, oh my god, Jeff Chandler! He’s one of my great loves of Project 1952- he's a really talented actor, he has an appealing sensitive energy about him, and he’s so sexy with that deep voice, curly hair, and emotive eyes. He ripped my heart out in more than one scene. 

The film was very visually interesting. It had lots of great noir elements like sharp shadows and contrasts, an artsy use of bars and grates, and strikingly moody shot compositions. 

Steve’s sister Susan. The character herself was mercifully kind and helpful amongst all the chaos around her, and the actress who played her, Frances Dee, communicated empathy and concern very well. 

Young was 5 years older than Chandler when this film was made, and she got to be a sexy leading lady at 40. That’s pretty awesome. 

The insanity of the last half! I loved it! What other noir would have our heroine suddenly become a magician’s assistant? And secretly nanny her own estranged daughter after performing with a clown at her birthday party? It just got crazier and crazier. 

The scenes when her criminal ex came back into her life and kidnapped Christine and Kim were so tense, I couldn’t sit still. Every time he picked up the little girl, I was screaming at Christine to get her the hell away from him. 

We got more positive attention paid to child psychology in a 1952 film! It really showed the emotional damage that parental separation can cause. Who knew kids need strong secure attachments to emotionally develop in a healthy way? “Children are people!” 

The crazy final scene! Again, what kind of ridiculous noir would end like this?? 

The Bad: 

The whole thing was absolute madness and totally unbelievable! For me, that was a terrific thing, but for most people expecting to watch a noir, I'd bet it wouldn’t be. 

It felt almost like two separate disjointed films - the first was a crime noir, and the second turned into a melodrama with the “suffering mother” trope. 

The song “Because of You” might have played in the background a bit too much. It’s a good song, but did we need to hear a dozen times? 

What kind of magic act calls itself “Mr. Marvel and Chris??” It's got a great ring to it, no? ...No??

And why would you ever name your daughter Kim Kimberly? 

[cherry-valentine]

Summer 2022 Anime

Here’s what I’m watching:

Prince of Tennis has a new season. I don’t even know what they’re calling it now. Shin Prince of Tennis? Prince of Tennis 2? No idea. PoT has a very special place in my heart, as it’s the show that introduced me to sports anime and stole my heart back in the very early 2000‘s. The plot summary doesn’t really matter at this point. What does matter is how absolutely batshit insane this series is. Whenever I talk about new sports anime, I rate how realistic they are on a scale of “Very Realistic” to “Prince of Tennis”. To enjoy this series, you have to go into it with a certain mindset, or the sheer number of totally bonkers scenes will overwhelm you. You have to go into it thinking of this not as a sports anime about tennis, but as a fantasy series about super powered beings using their incredible powers to play tennis instead of being super heroes. There are players who can create literal black holes while on the court. There are guys who play tennis on horseback, in the middle of the street in Australia after their horse kicks a pack of dogs’ asses for attacking a cute schoolgirl (that sentence was almost painful to write but I assure you I didn’t exaggerate a single word). There are “middle school” players who look like buff forty year old men. Matches often end with one or more players covered in bloody wounds. I can’t stress enough how utterly ridiculous this show is. And the fact that it takes itself seriously, that it does all this with a straight face, makes it hilarious beyond words. But the show is so much fun! The art is great, with extremely varied character designs. This is an accomplishment, considering just how many characters there are. There’s like, a billion of them by now. I’ve watched every episode, movie, ova, special, etc. and I still forget about half of these characters in the long stretches between seasons. The music, as always, is fantastic, with my favorite opening theme of the season and my second favorite ending theme. The tennis matches, wild and crazy as they are, never fail to be exciting. If you can handle a little DBZ in your sports anime, definitely give it a watch.

Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting is an adorable gem that I initially passed on the first week it aired. But after hearing good things about it, I gave it a try. The series follows a violent and reckless yakuza thug named Kirishima, notorious for his brutality, who is given a specific job by his yakuza boss in an attempt calm him down a bit: become the primary babysitter for the boss’s young daughter Yaeka, an adorable but shy and withdrawn little girl. The expectation with this sort of plotline is that Kirishima will be woefully inept at this job and there will be much humor at his expense as he struggles to learn how to care for a child and discover his “softer side”. Interestingly, the series takes a different approach to the story. Kirishima is in fact very good at taking care of Yaeka, with only a few very small hiccups along the way (he’s not very good at fixing her hair, and the scene of him practicing on his long-haired yakuza subordinate is golden). Kirishima has been with this family since before Yaeka was born, so he’s known her since birth. He has a natural warm, big brotherly air about him when he’s with her. This allows the show to focus more on the sweet or sad emotional moments of the story rather than being a straight up comedy. There are funny moments, of course, but there are even more touching scenes displaying just how much this family means to Kirishima, as well as Yaeka dealing with the fact that her mother has been in a coma for (presumably) a few years. The art is lovely, with a gentle, almost pastel quality to the colors. Recommended.

Shine On! Bakumatsu Bad Boys! is a very colorful fictional take on the Shinsengumi. I’ve always loved stories about the Shinsengumi (a real historical group) so of course I’m watching this. In this particular anime, all of the higher ranking Shinsengumi members, save one, are wiped out by masked enemies wielding strange, glowing swords. The lone survivor (Toudo Heisuke) decides to keep the Shinsengumi together by replacing the dead members with criminals who were on their way to be executed, offering them a second chance at life if they’ll help him track down the masked enemies and avenge his fallen comrades. Of course they agree (since the alternative is immediate death) and are each given a new name and the sword of the Shinsengumi member they’re replacing. While the premise is somewhat grim, the show is actually lively and energetic, with bright, colorful art and catchy music. They color-coded characters are fun, with a wide range of personalities (there’s even a woman, possibly the best sword fighter among them). Though the series does touch on some serious and even dark themes (domestic abuse, torture, etc.), it maintains an upbeat feel overall. Recommended if you like samurai action that’s not overly serious but not exactly a comedy either.

Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer is a strange show. The premise isn’t too out of the ordinary: various people around Japan find out they’re “Beast Knights”, people who can bond with various talking animals that give them special powers so that they can protect a powerful princess, who in turn can protect the planet from monsters called Golems and the Mage that controls them. Visible only to these special chosen people is an enormous hammer in the sky aimed at the earth itself. The story focuses on Yuuhi, the “lizard Knight”, initially one of the weakest among the Knights. Yuuhi wants nothing to do with any of this, because he just doesn’t give a shit about, well, anything. The world can go to hell for all he cares. He changes his mind, however, after meeting the princess, a very plucky teenager named Samidare who can one-punch monsters to death, and finding out that she only wants to save the planet so that she can then destroy it herself. This is where the series starts to deviate from the typical formula, as Yuuhi and Samidare are dead serious about destroying the earth, and they have to gather the other Beast Knights to help fight off the Mage and his Golems while knowing full well that they’ll eventually have to kill those other Knights to accomplish their true goal. So yeah, a strange but highly interesting setup. The problem is that the animation is almost laughably bad. The art could still be saved if the design work was interesting, but it’s bland and conventional. The whole visual aspect of the show is just terrible. This means you have to watch the series for the story alone. I’m not sure how strongly I can recommend it. I’ve heard that the manga is way better, so I’ll probably look into it after the anime finishes. As it stands, the show is frustrating to watch. There’s a great story being held down by bad art, to the point that it’s almost tragic. I’m still watching, because I’m invested at this point, but I’m guessing the series will just be a bad memory once I start the manga.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Aoashi

Best of Season:

Best New Show: The Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting Best Opening Theme: Prince of Tennis Best Ending Theme: Shine On! Bakumatsu Bad Boys! Best New Male Character: Kirishima (The Yakuza’s Guide to Babysitting) Best New Female Character: Samidare (Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer)

[anthonycrowleymoved]

fr the wincesties have always fascinated me like unironically. I really don't judge when it comes to ships and fiction like what do I care if you like tentacles, mpreg or wincest for that matter. there really are ways to incorporate even an insanely non-canon and frankly, gross, thinks into the world if the writer is skilled enough. I am absolutely not an mpreg fan like FUCK NO but I did read a fic where the author made it...good. ya feel? so I can imagine that you can make incest work too.

but it's never just "oh I like this ship and have fun with it" for these people. NEVER. they're literally always so aggressive and insane in a bad way like. they have so much negativity around them it's freaking me out.

most of shippers just focus on their ship and most of stans just focus on stanning their character/actor or whatever but wincesties put 80% their energy into hating something or someone. I've genuinely never went to a Twitter or a blog of one without immediately being bombarded with so much hate for everything that isn't their precious fantasy.

i always wonder what are these people like irl.

ooooookay before you start on this i SWEAR i have a point just stick with me here it’s a roundabout way of getting to my point but i promise

like. okay. i am going to admit something here. like. okay! i am pretty open about like, purposely reading fanfic that is bad. that is a hobby of mine. i genuinely just. like bad fanfic. you can ask me about it if you want more of the details but i just. okay i’m gonna wax poetic about badfic AGAIN for probably like. the fiftieth time but. okay. i unironically loooove fanfic in any form even if it’s unabashedly bad because it’s. i often compare it to the room. the film the room by tommy wiseau? because if you know about that film mr wiseau poured his heart and soul and money but that’s not relevant here into it and the result is absolutely insane but it’s like. there’s something endearing about it right? like he loved that terrible terrible movie and part of you can’t help but respect that right?? that movie isn’t a blatant cash grab, it’s a very very weird passion project, and people around the world recognize that, i think even subconsciously. and i think there’s like. a level of that that comes out in even the worst fanfics.

but like. okay. not gonna lie. i LIKE badfics. i PURPOSELY LOOK UP fics with bad pairings. and there’s like. okay. i am a connoisseur of this bad bad fanfic content at this point. there’s like. a variety. type one: people who like. need better writing skills. type two: people with good skills but bonkers premises/ships. like. those are the two types.

wincesties are like. type two who have gone BONKERS and think that their crackship/concept should go canon. and. okay. because of my hobby. i am going to admit. i HAVE read some shorter w*ncest fics (which i wouldn’t recommend for like. six reasons. starting with moral and going onto like. other things wrong with it) BUT. B U T. unlike other bad bad fanfic ships. the people who write w*ncest BELIEVE IT SHOULD GO CANON!!!! WHAT!!!! they say this on their blogs AND their weirdass fic!!!!! i mean this seriously because i have LOOKED i am interested in this shit intellectually WHAT are you people on!!!! it’s one thing to be like. writing shit like. oh this is fun content :) like i would still think you were a fucking weirdo for writing fucking incest but the people who unironically think that fucking wincest would be a ship worth rooting for canonically please. i would like you to ideally go to a therapist but at least get psychoanalyzed by someone you know. anyway. genuinely. how did we get here.

[fireinmywoods]

the heart of the matter (is Leonard McCoy)

Followers...friends. I come to you today, hat in hand, to ask for your support in a certain fandom matter, a trifling concern of little real consequence which nevertheless has been driving me absolutely cross-eyed bonkers for some years now.

Simply put: can we please all agree that Bones is the heart of the Enterprise???

In AOS, I mean. I’m not aware of any debate over this when it comes to TOS, where the roles of the triumvirate have always been explicit, though there are a few different ways to identify them:

Spock = logos = superego = head

Bones = pathos = id = heart

Kirk = ethos = ego = soul

So clear! So clean! So universally accepted by Trek fandom at large!

Oh, but things get murkier in AOS, and there are plenty of posts floating around which suggest that it’s Kirk, not McCoy, who serves as the heart in the Kelvin timeline. Even the writers of the first two AOS films have outright stated that their interpretation of the triumvirate had the original roles switched, with Kirk as the highly emotional one and McCoy as the arbiter between Kirk’s passion and Spock’s logic. It’s true that this technically counts as a Word of God pronouncement by the actual creators of 2/3 of the series thus far, which some would argue renders it canon. However, it’s equally true that those same creators also felt that Kirk was a fuckboi and that Benedict Cumberbatch wonderfully embodied their vision for Khan Noonien Singh, so honestly, who gives a hot hollerin’ fuck what those dingdongs think. This seems as justified a time as any to invoke Death of the Author, and in fact, it’s my firm belief that despite the writers’ intentions, Star Trek and Into Darkness both support the original triumvirate breakdown.

Under the cut you’ll find a long-winded and self-indulgent ~*~character analysis~*~ of the Kelvin-timeline incarnations of Jim Kirk and Leonard “Bones” McCoy, reviewing why Leonard is still unmistakably the heart, unpacking what the hell Jim’s deal is, and finally taking a look at some key examples from canon, because ya girl believes in showing her work.

Let’s get down to business.

[A quick warning, as this is starting to spread beyond my own followers: if you don’t like McKirk as a romantic pairing, you ain’t gonna like part IV, so I’d bow out before then or just take your leave now.]

i. Leonard

Independent of Jim’s characterization, it should be blindingly obvious that Leonard is the heart. He’s by far the most nakedly emotional of our seven core crew members, a trait we see writ large and small throughout the films. He’s reactive; he’s passionate; he’s humane. He cares, first and foremost.

Not about Starfleet, of course. Leonard doesn’t give a damn about playing the game or advancing his career, or even really about the Enterprise’s mission - he has no desire to explore strange new worlds, he’ll pass on seeking out new life and new civilizations, and he spends half his time trying to convince everyone else that boldly going where no man has gone before is a great way to die horribly. Fuck exploration, fuck space, and fuck the Federation while we’re at it. Leonard is perhaps the most improbable of the Enterprise’s senior officers for the simple reason that he seems to resent everything about the job.

Well. Almost everything.

See, what Leonard cares about is people. He cares about their lives, about their stories, about their hopes and dreams, about their suffering. That’s why he entered and has stayed in an extremely taxing caring profession, and it’s why he’s still on the Enterprise despite his incessant bitching about everything they do. He wouldn’t trust anyone else to take care of the crew he’s become so attached to, and he finds fulfillment in helping the people they encounter out there in the nightmare of space.

In every timeline, Leonard McCoy defines himself by what he can do for others: the pain he can ameliorate, the wounds he can heal, the diseases he can cure, the small amounts of good he can bring to a galaxy filled with so much absolute horseshit. Unlike most of his colleagues, he’s not motivated by curiosity or an adventurer’s spirit or a burning desire to make sense of the universe. (Fuck the universe, too, as a matter of fact.) Instead, he’s driven by the incredible depths of his compassion and empathy and concern for the people he serves alongside and those they meet along the way.

Sure sounds like the heart to me.

ii. Jim

I actually totally get why some people characterize Kelvin-timeline Jim as the heart. He’s quite literally a different man than the original timeline’s Kirk, and he definitely has more of the pathos qualities to him. Early on, he’s a total spitfire, fierce and hot-blooded, quick to anger and other sharp-edged emotions we’re not used to associating with James T. Kirk. Even as he grows into himself and leaves some of those traits behind, he remains spontaneous, passionate, protective, and self-sacrificing - easy enough to mistake for the heart if you squint.

But let’s not confuse having a heart for being the heart. Sure, Jim is more openly emotional and reactive than his TOS counterpart, but there’s still a marked difference between the way he and Leonard express and act on their emotions.

AOS Jim definitely has a lot of feelings - big ones - but at the end of the day, he’s not driven by his heart. He’s driven by his gut.

Whenever there’s trouble, Jim makes a beeline right for the center of it. He’s impulsive as hell, rarely pausing to think past his first instinct, because he just wants to be doing something, no matter the odds, no matter what it costs him. He explicitly calls himself out on this in ST:ID when arguing with Spock: “I have no idea what I’m supposed to do. I only know what I can do.” He doesn’t have the patience or the constitution to sit and debate all the options, either internally or with his crew. If there’s a path forward from where he is, even a bad one, Jim’s gonna take it.

[Sidebar: One could make the case that the roots of Jim’s instinct to act reach back to his childhood traumas - canonically ignored abuse and neglect on the one hand, and the Tarsus IV famine and massacre on the other - but that’s a whole post on its own and we ain’t got all day here.]

Jim can’t not act, and while that gets him into a lot of trouble, it also saves lives. Sulu probably appreciated that Jim’s gut drove him to leap off Nero’s drilling platform without a moment’s hesitation after a man he’d only just met. He may have been a real shithead about it, but Jim’s impassioned insistence on going after the Narada and not wasting time on the possibility of a better option was key to saving Pike and Earth itself. And I don’t know why Spock was so surprised that Jim intervened to save him on Nibiru, considering that the reason they were there in the first place was because Jim couldn’t sit back and watch the Nibirans die when there was something his crew could do to help them, even if it meant risking a violation of the Prime Directive.

Jim is a good man with a big heart, and he cares about people, absolutely. But he cares most of all about Doing The Right Thing - which in the heat of the moment often translates to Doing Something, Anything, Hold My Beer.

iii. heart vs. gut (i.e., time for some receipts)

I think one of the main reasons Leonard and Jim’s characterizations get confused is because they both tend to act on instinct, only lightly informed by higher reasoning. However, I’d argue that their motivations and the nature of those actions are super distinct, and those distinctions remain relatively consistent throughout all three films. (And y’all know I really mean this shit if I’m out here calling ST:ID consistent.)

Jim is a big picture guy, figuratively and often literally heaving himself full-body into the mix of whatever problem the crew has encountered for lack of any better alternative. That energy propels the plots of all three films: the chaotic path he carves through the events of Star Trek and ST:ID, and the slightly calmer but still undeniably bananas course he charts for himself and his crew in the second half of Beyond.

As the heart, Leonard operates on a more micro level. His concern invariably lies with the individual people caught up in those grand events Captain Chaos is busy dragging them all through. While Jim’s zooming around flipping plot switches, Leonard can always be counted on to bring it back to the personal.

We frequently see this juxtaposed right there on film. Think of that slow pan through medbay in the first movie after the Narada’s ambush and the destruction of Vulcan: while Jim is stewing over what to do about the Big Bad, Leonard has stepped into the CMO role without fuss or fanfare to care for the wounded crew and traumatized survivors.

Or jump ahead to Beyond: during Krall’s attack on the Enterprise, there’s a gorgeous cinematic shot of Jim sprinting down the corridor with two crew members to take on the invaders - and then we cut to Leonard moving slowly through those same ghastly red-lit corridors, searching for casualties in need of help, visibly affected by what his scanner is telling him about the downed crewman he tries to save.

Actually, Beyond as a whole does terrific justice to each of their roles. (Perhaps because it was not written by dingdongs.) The first act finds Jim flailing around for a sense of purpose and forward momentum - an understandable consequence of a gut-driven character having stalled out for too long - and he ultimately gets his mojo back by spending the rest of the film careening through one insane seat-of-his-pants ploy after another. Meanwhile, in the quieter moments between all the mayhem, Leonard serves as the empathetic sounding board for both Jim and Spock as they struggle with deep emotionally charged secrets and Big Life Questions, helping them untangle their feelings and reminding them of the emotional attachments which are ultimately key to their respective decisions to stay on the Enterprise.

More examples, you say? Don’t mind if I do!

Star Trek

GUT: Jim hurtles around the Narada, improvising almost every step of the way and paying the price for his and Spock’s scheme in bodily harm, and ultimately succeeds in rescuing Pike. HEART: Leonard calls out for Jim as he runs into the transporter room, overwhelmed with relief that he’s made it back, and takes Chris Pike’s weight literally and figuratively onto his own shoulders to begin healing him while Jim runs back off to the center of the action.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

GUT: Jim argues with Leonard, Spock, and Scotty in quick succession as he’s preparing to drag them all off to Qo’noS, immune to their attempts to reason with him because, unraveled as he is by grief and pain, he can only focus on his visceral drive to Do Something. HEART: Unlike the others, Leonard is upset not about the larger moral questions of whether it’s right to go after John Harrison or bring torpedoes aboard the ship, but about the fact that Jim himself is hurt and hurting and won’t accept help.

GUT: Jim makes a snap decision to sacrifice himself by hurling his body against the warp core to realign it and save his crew. HEART: Shellshocked by the emotional grenade of his best friend’s death, Leonard suddenly realizes, through the haze of his own numbness and upswelling grief, that he might still be able to do something for this lonely radiation-ravaged body he’s been brought and the life it represents.

Star Trek Beyond

GUT: At the tail end of an improvised plan to out-maneuver Kalara, Jim quite literally shoots first and asks questions later, igniting a fuel tank and setting off an explosive series of events which he and Chekov just barely escape. HEART: The next time we see Leonard, Spock is opening up to him about Ambassador Spock’s death and his own plan to leave Starfleet for New Vulcan - and while he’s empathetic toward Spock (I can’t imagine what that must feel like), Leonard’s thoughts go immediately to the emotional impact of Spock’s plan on the other people he’s closest with. (I can see how that would upset [Nyota]. / I can tell you, [Jim]’s not gonna like that.)

GUT: Jim frantically strains to reach the final switch in the life support hub, believing that he’s going to die either way since the vent has already opened, but spurred on by the knowledge that his ability to move that switch is the only thing standing between Yorktown and annihilation. HEART: Knowing exactly what’s at stake, with the fate of the station and millions of lives hanging in the balance, Leonard’s greatest concern is that Jim won’t make it out in time.

iv. never bet against the heart

Let’s wrap this up with a deep dive on one of the absolute best examples of Leonard as the heart: his decision to sneak Jim onto the Enterprise in the first movie.

As relentlessly as I drag him for the, you know, poisoning and kidnapping aspects of that whole deal, there’s no denying that it is a god-tier heart move. Is it logical? Absolutely not. Is it really the right thing to do for either himself or Jim, as far as he knows at the time? Nope. It’s 100% the wrong choice for his own job security, reputation, and relationships with his fellow crew, and it’s almost guaranteed to get Jim into even worse trouble. Leonard is a smart dude who must understand that this course of action will likely end up coming back on them both in a real bad way. For someone who argues loudly and often in defense of self-preservation, this is a shockingly bad idea.

But none of that matters, because Jim shakes his hand and tells him to be safe with that horrible empty-eyed smile, and it gets him right in the heart, one-two-three.

One: sympathy, worry, and affection for Jim - his best friend, his wild and troublesome stray, his only family.

Two: guilt over adding onto Jim’s pain, and the instinctive urge to fix whatever‘s hurting him.

Three: fear of heading out into the unknown by himself, the agonizing uncertainty of not knowing what’s coming, craving for the security and reassurance Jim’s presence would give him.

“Dammit,” Leonard says, as his heart wins out over his brain. He knows this is a garbage plan, and he doesn’t care. His heart chooses Jim. That’s all that matters.

So he goes back for Jim, and to his own surprise it turns out that this Very Bad Idea was actually a Very Good Idea because Jim’s impulsive instincts end up saving Earth, and Leonard’s not in the habit of fixing what ain’t broke so he figures he may as well keep on chasing Jim’s crazy ass around the galaxy for a while, through jungles and off cliffs and into the goddamn afterlife when need be, until finally one day Jim’s gut drives him right into Leonard’s arms and he suddenly realizes that this is what his heart was choosing all those years ago: Jim’s wide terrified eyes, Jim’s voice breaking over his name, Jim’s hand pressing hard against his chest, reaching out for what’s his.

But that’s another story.

[crazygalore]

MICHAEL CORLEONE ( THE GODFATHER TRILOGY ) NSFW ALPHABET

Disclaimer: My portrayal of Michael Corleone is almost exclusively movie-based. I have read the book and respect it for what it represents, but I have a preference for movie Michael, since I first watched the film, and only read the book years later. That being said, I will selectively borrow elements from the novel here and there, if and when I see fit.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

After having lost all hope of ever finding love again after having suffered through countless tragedies and betrayals, it is safe to assume that Michael treats you right in all aspects of your life together. So, after sex, he will draw you a hot bath and gently help you wash up and dry off afterwards. Then, he will tenderly tuck you into bed, bring you any snacks and beverages you may be craving, and afterwards he will lay down next to you and hold you against him until you fall asleep with your head on his chest.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He’s survived all of these years by keeping his eyes open and his mind clear, so he is quite fond of his keen and sharp gaze. He’s a bit of a sapiosexual, so while he thinks you are the sexiest and most attractive person in this world, it was your mind and your spirit that made him fall in love with you in the beginning. So, to this very day, having a stimulating conversation with you amps up his libido like nothing else.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He’s a traditionalist at heart, so he prefers finishing deep inside of you, although he will mark you with his seed if that was something you enjoyed. You would have to ask him to do it, though.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He loves seeing you wear his clothes - especially his shirts - because he thinks of it as a reinforcement of his claim on you. Although he is not one of those overly jealous or extremely possessive partners, the sight of you enveloped in his garments always manages to reassure him that you are his and his alone, to love and cherish until the day he dies. 

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Surprisingly, Michael has only slept with three women in the past - namely a former girlfriend and his two former wives. But although his experience is relatively limited, he’s been doing it long enough to know exactly how to drive his partner insane with desire and pleasure.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Usually it’s either missionary or doggy style, depending on the mood. On one hand, he likes being able to hold you in his arms and look into your eyes as he pounds into you - but on the other hand, the sight of your pretty ass and his girth disappearing inside of you drives him absolutely bonkers. Once in a while, however, when he is particularly exhausted, Michael will just sit back and relax as you ride him to completion. 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Normally, he is very passionate and serious in bed, because making love to you is one of the few times when he can show you his more vulnerable and romantic side. That being said, realistically speaking sex is a very accident-prone activity in general, and some mishaps are funnier than others - and he is comfortable enough around you to crack an apologetic smile when that happens. 

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

With a military background and his current position as a don, Michael is a very clean and tidy person, and he keeps himself well groomed and trimmed down there. It is not his habit to shave completely, however, unless you expressed your preference for it.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Michael is a man hardened by the lifestyle he had no choice but embrace. He has learned to guard his heart, smother his conscience and use his reason to make educated and oftentimes ruthless decisions for the sake of his family’s safety and prosperity. But you are his sanctuary, and in your arms he feels loved, chrished and nurtured - and he feels the need to reciprocate your gestures of affection and show you his vulnerable and romantic side. So sex with Michael is always an intimate, passionate and intense experience.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn’t do it that often - if at all. When it happens, it’s always in the shower, and he sees it as nothing more but instant gratification for his body’s biological functions - nothing more. It only ever happens if you two happen to be away from each other, for example during his solo business trips.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

A food kink, because nothing gets him going quite like licking whipped cream and frosting off your gorgeous body. Light bondage and domination - but nothing too extreme, as his intention is simply to bring you pleasure and not to demean you. Edging, orgasm denial and mild spanking, but nothing more hardcore than that. As previously stated, he loves seeing you wearing his shirts, and he has fucked you countless times while you were still garbed in them. Also a mild and barely there breeding kink.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

He’s a very private individual, so only in the comfort and safety of your home, usually in your bedroom or your shared bathroom. If he is 100% sure nobody will accidentally walk in on you too, he will definitely fuck you on the kitchen counter, and put that food kink of his to good use.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

As a sapiosexual ( a person who finds intelligence to be a sexually attractive quality in others ), having a long and stimulating debate with you is an instant turn-on. Other than that, you are gorgeous and you are all his, and your very presence fills him with desire. So, as long as the two of you are alone, without the risk of being interrupted, he’s game. But if you’re ever not feeling like it, he won’t pressure you into having sex with him, nor will he act grumpy because of it. You are his beloved, and he respect and adores you at all times.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He will never harm or demean you in any way. So anything too extreme and damaging is out of the question, no matter how much you might beg him to change his mind.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

The sight of you, kneeling before him, with your pretty lips wrapped around his girth is heaven for Michael. There are things that you can do with your wicked tongue that drive him completely crazy with need, and he oftentimes finds himself thrusting against your talented mouth. That being said, he reciprocates the gesture every single time, and he is very skilled at it. With a flick of his tongue in the right spot, and a well placed suckle, he can bring you to completion in no time - and he usually isn’t satisfied unless he’s given you several earth-shattering orgasms using only his mouth and deft fingers.

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Depending on the mood, Michael can be slow and sensual, or fast and rough - but it is always a passionate exchange fuelled by your love and perpetual desire for one another. Sex with Michael is much more than a mere carnal act, but rather a complete fusion of your bodies and souls into one.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s a busy man with a tight schedule, so once in a while you two simply have to make do with a quick hard fuck.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He’s game for experimenting within reason. As long as none of you ends up being hurt or humiliated, he’s willing to give it a try.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Depending on how tired or well-rested he is, it spans from quickies to extended lovemaking sessions that last all night long. He rarely cums before you do, and usually that happens if you teased him too much beforehand. Even then, he will either recover and fuck you until reach orgasm as well, or he will use his mouth and fingers on you until you are satisfied. 

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He’s not opposed to toys, but he’s an old school kinda guy, so you would pretty much have to talk him into incorporating them into your guys’ sex life. Be warned, though, he will most probably use them to edge you until you are practically crying for release.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

It depends on his mood, really. Sometimes he likes to give you exactly what you want, when you want it - and sometimes he can be a complete and utter tease, to the point he drives it drives you completely nuts.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He’s relatively quiet, with a couple of low grunts and moans sprinkled in-between laboured breaths. However, he usually cums with a long groan he usually muffles against your neck or shoulder.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice) X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Well, you know what they say: Tiny man, huge “ego “. And Michael is the perect embodiment of this phrase. The boy is hung and he knows how to it to bring you maximum satisfaction, 100% guaranteed, no returns. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is not actually that high, but he very rarely refuses you if you initiate it. Once you get him going, however, he is relentless.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Usually he stays up a little longer to admire your slumbering form, as it has a calming effect on him. He will eventually fall asleep with you in his arms, once that brilliant and busy mind of his runs out of fuel.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S4 Ep 14 Pt1: Rex and Weevils Ultimate Betrayal No One Gave a Damn About

Just finished watching the Superbowl, which I never ever do, and it was VERY confusing and I thought I remembered this sport but I did not. I don’t know what’s happening. I do not understand how Kansas City got that field goal on San Fransisco when their feet never touched the goal line. So, I’m just gonna...change gears completely and wrap up this long post about a VERY complicated anime that came out before some of y’all were born, instead. Today I just really wanted to feel lost.

Last episode, Yugi (the main character of the show, the one this show is named after) hella died, and Rex and Weevil decided to leave the party very, very quickly.

You’d think that the one event (Yugi’s dead) would have to do with the other event (getting the hellllll away), considering how rude and judgy Yami is, but they actually left for cards. They accidentally did a very wise decision in order to do something incredibly stupid and cancel out any wisdom they showed in pedaling as fast as they could possibly pedal away from the reincarnated ghost who just very suddenly achieved full control of a human body.

They accidentally pedaled away from every Mummy movie super villain and somehow ended up with a much more worse villain.

Like I say that this whole season is about Yugi’s crazy commute, but Rex and Weevil’s commute has just been so much more. They are just clinging to whatever vehicle is near them in order to find these legendary cards sitting somewhere in American Soil. They are so ambivalent to all the very real world terrible problems around them because they’re PRETTY SURE they’re gonna get rich. It’s like the Gold Rush but with helicopters.

Also the 49ers never rode tandem bikes, but you know they would’ve if they could’ve.

And for some, weird reason, Rafeal decides not to pick them up under his arms and toss them directly onto an unsuspecting Joey Wheeler like he just did with Yugi. Rafael and Alister decided...nah...I’ll keep these strange small manchildren.

It seems really off brand for Rafael and Alister but maybe they just got too tired to deal with it right now.

Speaking of tired--this horse.

I mean I’ll do the math eventually--not this post but maybe the next one I just did a lot of math trying to remember why the hell it’s 6 points for a goal in football--but this horse that we estimated would take over 20 days to ride to Death Valley just rode all the way back in the same day. Congratulations horse, the strongest force in all of Yugioh, (second to Yugi’s neck, holding that 70 lb necklace at all hours of the day.)

The girls seem to think that everything is OK initially, mostly because Yugi doesn’t really lose games that often, since the list of ways to beat Yugi in a card game up until now didn’t include “trick Yami into murdering the hell out of Yugi Muto.” Crazy that that actually worked, but Yami isn’t that bright.

PS please admire how chubby this horse appears in this scene.

OK I’m glad we all acknowledged the elephant in the room that was a horse last shot.

Also...maybe he didn’t hug her back because she just shoved a very sharp pyramid necklace straight into his small intestines?

(more under the cut)

I’ll spare you Transatlantacism this time.

Tea is concerned but more surprised than straight up angry. An anger which is more honed by Rebecca because Yami just killed her only friend (other than this horse) and possibly her only future husband that would ever put up with her (other than this horse.)

Like it seems kind of rude in the show out of context that everyone took a moment to lay a big dump on Yami Muto, but can you imagine if you straight up killed your twin (by accident but only by like 75% accident, lets be real) and this was your only punishment?

Like getting punched out is just how Yami treats himself every single day, so I don’t think Joey made too much of a difference in the situation. But you know, it’s Yugioh, so getting punched does is somehow the correct answer.

It was very lucky for Yami that Tea was too busy trying to console Rebecca to punch Yami before Joey got to him first because hot damn that would have sent him straight back to Death Valley.

And then I think this next exchange between Duke and Tristan was somewhat lost in translation. Please admire the censorship here. Safe for kids now.

I say this like a joke but have you seen Equinox? I live in the Bay, so trust me. Equinox is absolutely reviving the Great Leviathan. No doubt in my mind.

Anyway, Rafael and Alister hear Rex and Weevil’s plea to join the evil task force and they’re like...

...yeah, I guess you can apply, why not? No need to interview your or anything before we harass Darts with you.

Like Rafael and Alister were completely bonkers children that were driven to insanity by very extreme circumstances, and then there’s Rex and Weevil. They’re just...kind of middling at cards and that’s it.

But sure, yeah, I’m sure they’ll fit right into the completely maniacal card corporate atmosphere here at DartsCorp. I’m sure Rex and Weevil will jump out of a plane on a motorcycle and then do stunts all the way towards Atlantis Island.

Sure.

(course, now that I think of it, they did introduce themselves to Alister and Rafael by accidentally doing a stunt over a canyon onto a helicopter so...maybe they accidentally think Rex and Weevil are cool?)

Which, in hindsight, makes Mai make a hell of a lot more sense because y’all, they should be SO distracted right now, and shouldn’t let anyone in here who isn’t insane or insanely good at cards. But instead they’re like...I guess you have a duel disk, you’ll work. It’s not like there’s a line of people at the door.

Anyway, because the show has to acknowledge that there might be new viewers, they do their best to try and explain this very lengthy Yugi mechanic as if we’ve never heard it before and honestly, it just sounded like everyone was very frustrated.

Like for reals what is he wearing?

Why are there so few normal ass suits in Yugioh? Why is KAIBA the only person who knows what colors belong on a fitted suit? (And he just wears white, which isn’t a color and is always very safe but youknow it still boggles my mind that the power suit people are so into very friendly soft pastels from Gozaburo, to Pegasus, to Noah, to Darts.)

I would wear this suit to Easter Sunday. Darts just wears it every day.

And so then we get a little insight into what it takes to become an Orichalcos card champion.

While before, Darts just kinda poked Mai in the forehead and she was instantly imbued with Aqua Green Evilness, he decided to do a weird test on Rex and Weevil. Just to make sure they realllllly wanted to be here.

As if they didn’t stow away in a 18 hour flight stuffed into a handbag, hold in their piss for said 18 hours, then get shipped by accident to the Tenderloin, where they were mugged twice, and then get shoved into the trunk of Duke’s car, and then took a broken tandem bike to the hottest desert in America, where they then rode said bike off of a cliff in order to hang onto a flying helicopter.

Like I think this test was unnecessary, I think they want to be here.

But youknow, I think Darts just wanted to torture em for kicks.

And then Rex and Weevil have to grab two of these Oricalchos stones that were farting special effects and were very, very opposed to being owned by Rex and Weevil. But they managed to do it.

And uh congrats--their betrayal has begun!

And I don’t think anyone else on this show even recognized that they freakin left. Like they just kinda disappeared in Death Valley and then Duke was like “eh. They’ll find their way home.”

Kind of incredible that Joey and friends left these two stranded in Death Valley, That alone should have killed Rex and Weevil and like...Wow. Wow is Joey and co such a freakin asshole.

So don’t leave people stranded in Death Valley, they will join a card cult and freakin kill you. If the insane heat doesn’t kill them first.

And then because...I don’t know...I don’t know why, after sending his best and brightest fighters, Darts decided to downgrade and do this:

(based on a true story where a friend of mine worked as an intern in the city, and because they couldn’t pay him a living wage, he lived in a closet at said startup for nearly 2 years. Start-up culture is pretty real, folks, it’s PRETTY REAL. But, on the bright side, at least they had a shower in-house.)

So, I’m gonna go remove my contacts and try to forget how much queso I ate at that Superbowl party.

It was a lot of queso.

and if you just got here, this is a handy link to read these from the start.

PS anyone else pull the Yugioh fest in PAD? Because I have played this game...a lot over the course of 5 years and saved up over 300 free stones for several months in anticipation for this collab and then I pulled Kuriboh about 15 times. Most of you have no idea what that means, but for some of you out there, your heart just broke for me 15 times. (I did get 2 Yugis so I’m fine, but damn it) Then, bro saved up his stones and pulled Seto Kaiba, Marik, and Bakura all in a row. Freakin gotcha games, man. Freakin gotcha games.

[photolover82]

The Masked Singer Season 3 Episode 7: Last But Not Least, Let’s Meet Group C (Kickoffs Commentary and Guesses)

Hello fellow Masked Singer lovers! Welcome (or welcome back) to my commentary and guesses for the Masked Singer. Last night, we meet the last group of 6 masks for the season, Group C. The group consists of the Night Angel, Bear, T-Rex, Rhino, Astronaut, and Swan. 

Evaluating the whole group, like I did with Group B, this is the most bizarre group of masks ever, like wow. That reveal was absolutely insane, so let’s just get right into it... 

As you know, this is a **SPOILER ALERT**, avert your eyes now if you don’t want to know what happens during this episode. This is a disclaimer, don’t say I never warned you.

Ok so the first Group C mask to go home was: 

*DRUMROLL PLEASE* 

THE BEAR 

Alright, so I would be lying if I said I didn’t see this coming. She was alright, I was between her and the T-Rex for the elimination with my money going to the T-Rex but whatever she wasn’t the best vocally out of the group at all. Having said that, I would never ever in a million gazillion years ever would have guessed correctly who she was... I am not going to lie the weirdest thing I have seen on this show was this person singing Baby Got Back. 

And the person that made me laugh out of shock and was revealed to be the Bear is... 

SARAH FREAKING PALIN (and I thought Tony Hawk was shocking... ya I am still shook at how bizarre this is... u think I am lying? Look at the picture...yup that is Nick Cannon twerking, I said bizarre and I didn’t joke) 

Ok her performance was not what I expected from former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee... heck, I never thought a politician would be on the Masked Singer. Not getting into politics, because I really hate politics with a burning passion, but wow I never would’ve thought a republican would be on the show. AND HER SINGING BABY GOT BACK?! Wtf, and she freaking knew all of the words!! Like, I am impressed not gonna lie. People have been hating her on the internet but kudos to her for going for it and yup it’s weird but she went for it and wasn't scared to be judged. I respect that, you go Sarah Pailin, you rap about big butts. 

Anyways, looking back at the clues, it makes sense: 

Ice Skates= she always talks about how she is a hockey mom

As and Ks playing cards= AK= Alaska Abbreviation 

Calendar with “live”written under Saturday= SNL = Tina Fey impersonating her on SNL

At the start of the show, Nick said that there are 2 people who were voted Time’s Most Influential People = she was one of them 

Alright, so shock aside, let’s talk about the remaining contestants going to the playoffs: 

1. The Night Angel 

Performance: I really enjoyed the Night Angel’s performance even though her mask is so creepy and kind of hard to look at. However, she is one of the strongest, if not the strongest, singer in this group. Her voice is fantastic and I love her tone. You can tell she’s been doing this for a while. I do know exactly who this is, my guess being: 

KANDI BURRUS (Real Housewives of Atlanta) 

The clues make a lot of sense to my guess: 

Doors with “4,” “5,” and “6″ = She sang a song called “4,5,6″

Group of grandmas= has a restaurant called “The Old Lady Gang” 

Men in duck bills= she wrote “bills, bills, bills” for Destiny’s Child 

2. The Astronaut 

Performance: Ok, so yes I get it he was pretty shaky but he was nervous give him a break. I don’t care though because he is my favorite and I love him so much. I really want him to go far in the competition because I know how he sings and he is fantastic. Having said that, from the moment I heard his voice, I was convinced that he is: 

HUNTER HAYES 

Ok, so the Internet agrees with me based on voice, but the clues also correlate:

“if you want something enough”= one of his most popular songs is Wanted

“This might sound crazy”= another popular song, I want crazy 

“Code Blue”= releasing a 3-part album called Wild Blue 

Skeleton Foot= duet with Victoria Justice 2011 version of Footloose soundtrack 

Beginning of show, Nick also said that one of the masks won a Guinness World Record, which Hunter did for the most city performances in 24 hours

3. T-Rex 

Performance: Ok, this is not my favorite performer I am not going to lie, but she got so much energy wow. She isn’t a singer like not at all, but she is a great dancer and capped full of energy. I burned calories with her, damn. There is only one person who is this energetic and bonkers... and I am so happy that finally a YouTuber is on the show, so my guess is: 

JOJO SIWA 

Her voice and energy gave it away to me, but also her clues are so obvious: 

“Put into a magical world where I was one of dozens talented creatures pirouetting the land” = reference to Dance Moms where she appeared for 2 seasons 

Drawing with North and West= famous playdate with Kim Kardashian’s daughter North West 

Bow and arrow= her line of bows and the fact that she always wears them in her hair

A balloon with the shape of a U with white, blue, and pink stars= the star colors are reminiscent of what she wears/her branding and the U could mean YouTube, since her channel is so popular (she is a YouTuber after all) 

The other person who was Time’s most influential person was Jojo, last year being most influential on the internet. 

4. Rhino 

Performance: Ok, I love Rhino. He is such an unexpected favorite for me. I love his voice, he is such an amazing vocalist. Wow, he is amazing. The thing is I feel the same way I did at first with the banana. Is he a country singer or is he an athlete? I really cannot tell. Some people are saying it’s Tim McGraw. Others are saying it’s an athlete and I also heard some guy from Lady Antebellum at one point. I have no idea who he can be.

The clues were pretty confusing: 

Bike with butterflies on the handlebars

Pitcher with tea

Picture of Grand Ole Opry guitar 

Magazine covers with Masked Quarterly and “Rhi-no? More like Rhi-yes!” 

5. Swan 

Performance: I really liked Swan’s performance, she is pretty awesome. I’ll admit she had a shaky start but she’s pretty good. Her voice isn’t as strong and powerful as Rhino, Night Angel, and Astronaut, but that doesn’t make her any less amazing. Also, she has the costume I would want to have if I were on the Masked Singer. Based on the voice, I think she is: 

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

It makes sense because of the clues: 

Ghost= she starred on the show Ghost Whisperer 

Heart pool floatie= “Love” her middle name 

Megaphone= starred in horror movie in 90s “I Know What You Did Last Summer” where her character is screaming 

She is on 911, a crime show on Fox, which is the same network as The Masked Singer. 

Ok, so thank you for reading my little recap. Let me know what you think about my guesses/commentary. Who’s your favorite contestant? See you guys next week! Bye!

[tanithrea]

Sunday 6VIXXs

Sitting sipping on a hot chocolate (instant, not the melt the choc and add all extras that becomes an epic journey of self discovery type) and watching vixx is a wonderful way to spend the 3pm break time.

while you enjoy an actual day not at work and an afternoon where you can’t phone or fix things cause companies are closed, there is no mail, and you have resigned yourself to the fact you may or may not achieve any domestic chores, sort your life out, order messages to come so you have lunches all next week, call your Gran cause you have been a neglectful grand-daughter, order xmas pressies cause doing any xmas shopping in December is just a no when you work in retail...etc.

And a great number of things have taken up my mind space this week. I have had moments of almost anxiety/panic and been able to push them back down.

Then there have been highs of going to see Dylan Moran (Irish comedian absolutely hilarious, watch his dvds or the tv show Black Books), going on a staff night out that was more fun than expected and even though my voice was not at its best when I was enlisted to karaoke the others are all still impressed.

I have been contemplating things I see on my tumblr feed and some things that stick out today:

1. I have no idea who they are, edawn & Hyuna I think, don’t know their groups or history or anything but reading that a company fired two idols for simply admitting they were dating is a reprehensible action and I would hope a legally wrong one so the couple can sue. Also cause they found out from the internet. It is ridiculous to punish their careers for this and although I get that the groups are staying quiet about it all out of fear of their own jobs I personally would have a hard time if I didn’t speak out to support my colleague in this time.

As for the toxic ‘fans’ (don’t care what country you are from) who petitioned to fire them, who send hateful stuff to them and for the insane claim that their dating incurred “financial and emotional harm” to them you need a hard slap and a reality check.

You are never going to date your fav idol. He isn’t going to see you in a crowd of 5000 and go wow that’s the one for me. You are not and will never be in a relationship with them. They are people and when not performing or in public they have friends, family, history, ex’s, issues, outbursts and they poop just like everyone else.

99.99% of us won’t even see our fav idols live let alone touch or interact with them and if I buy an album or support my bias - I support him for who he is and I want him to be happy and if that becomes him married or having kids - then I will support that too. He isn’t lying to me by singing these lyrics and then falling for someone, you don’t own idols. They are looking for their lobster just as much as any of us. They have suffered hardships, possibly gone through traumas and could have any number of scary life experiences, why would you want to be remembered for being in that catagory? You don’t and shouldn’t have the power to crush them at a whim of adolescent bunny boiler jealousy. Get over it and see the real humans they are. Also if you think it’s ok to send horrible msgs about death threats and suicide to idols not only are you a sorry human being you need help. Seek professionals.

2. I have been watching kdramas and just finished Bride Of The Water God. It was good although it stumbled in bits and pacing was off there were some really good 😱💔😭😍moments. Also the guys in it were so hot! Lol

im now back into catching up on Hongbin in witch’s love although I know what the ending is going to bring. Wishing he got to really show his ever increasing talents more. Can’t wait to see all the VIXX drama performances like Beans and N have so far in the coming months.

Actor wise I am loving Park Seo-Joon, Woo Do-Hwan, Park Hyungsik, Nam Joo-Hyuk, Ahn Jae-Hyun, Song Seung-Heon, Seo Kang-Joon, Lim Ju-Hwan, all of the Hwarang cast really, Lee Jonghyun and of course all the acting ViXX memebers!

On my list to watch ASAP is - W, Mad Dog, Tempted, Save Me, What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim, Are You Human Too?, Manhole, Triangle, Tunnel, Lovely Horribly, Sassy Go Go, Goblin, Photo People, Spellbound, The Legend of The Blue Sea, The Starry Night The Starry Sea, Scarlet Heart, Protect The Boss....a ton more. Hyuks Chasing, and new upcoming project. Catch up on Familiar Wife and hope that someone uploads the TV showing of Mata Hari with Leo.

Saw trailer for Bleach today so adding that to list, switched, Solomon’s perjury, mr sunshine, man to man, a man called god and a few others.

Shows I reccomend - Wednesday 3:30pm, Orange Marmalade, Moorim School, Tunnel, Bride Of The Water God, Blood, Black, Forgotten, We Got Married (Lee Jonghyun), Newlywed Diary s1, Spy, Hwarang, My Only Love Song, Strong Woman Bong Soon

In non kdrama inspired stuff - recently saw Searching... and it was brill. Highly reccomend and genius filming idea. Pulled off the way it should be and others failed to do. The Spy Who Dumped Me was disappointing and didn’t gel well despite the few hilarious scenes in the film. The Happy Gang Murders- ok but wait for it on sky movies or Netflix. Looking forward to seeing Crazy Rich Asians on Tuesday after work!

3. Although I still haven’t found another group I could say ‘I love them’ cause I’m hard set VIXX, the last few weeks I have opened to a few guys and groups through friends and exposure.

I added Kim Jaejoong to my list pretty quickly lol then Lee Jonghyun, Park Hyungsik and I would say mainly cause my kpop guro mate and guide Jackie I have seen a lot of Monsta X and I didn’t really feel a link to any of them but having seen the emotional side of Wonho he would be the one I would add to the list, just not quite there yet but almost.

I have listened to a lot more of their music, and I feel like I’m open to hearing others yet I recoil into vixx as soon as I see posters and gifs about other bands claiming they are record breaking at whatever chart/award/audience numbers/hair dying/stripping on stage...etc whatever statistics it is cause I get that defensive pang for my boys.

So I totally understand the passions folks have for their group/s. I have it too.

Just listen to the other instincts as well that say that other group worked hard too, each should get a share of the limelight and they each have their own struggles they went through to get there. Try to ignore the impulse to roam stomping around the internet screaming your band/bias is the only talented super human in the universe while eating everyone else’s as snacks. But do share, get excited, encourage new listeners/fans, support and go bonkers happy. 👍🏻😉

4. Everything is being turned into musicals. While I LOVE a good musical not every single topic in the world is suited to it. Lol also in saying that I’m super happy Leo has another musical casting as Death character Tod in Das Elisabeth. He loves the stage and singing so it’s just pure joy for him. Also Ken announcing he has a run as Man In The Iron Mask king and again seriously hoping some starlights get some clips to share up on YouTube cause we/I are desperate to see these. Lol my almost stroke after regaining consciousness seeing leo as death poster was seeing what looks like Park Hyungsik in the same role. Meaning two of my list working together and in rehearsals together...⚰️😍need a pic of that and some official confirmations what I’m seeing in the pic is truly who I think it is!

I will now sort some dinner, maybe binge some kdrama, have a shower and go to bed as I totally enjoy my totally wasteful Sunday which at this point would only be made better by being snuggled up to bias/nice guy watching a movie/show with the special hot chocolate I mentioned at the start. I hope you all have a restful night, if you are working today then when your day off comes I hope it’s perfect and relaxing. 👍🏻😉💖🌟

[gazzhowie]

My Top 25 Movies of 2020.

It is indeed time… or at least, as is tradition, it is indeed now overdue for me to dust off the cobwebs from my Tumblr account and post my Top 25 movies of the year. This time for 2020. That funny old year, huh? Where - if some are to be stupidly believed - “no films got released because of the pandemic”.

I thought I was done with this after 12 years and concluding with my Top 25 of the decade effort and yet here I am. Back rather egotistically because 2 people told me how much they look forward to reading this. Go figure! Years 2008 through to present are available in the archive. Frequent visitors know that I’ll throw out a few special mentions to all the films that I wish I could’ve included but couldn’t make them fit yet believe they deserve a shout out regardless and then I get stuck in to what I think are the 25 best films of the year.

As always, films listed are based on their UK release date whether that’s in the cinema or on DVD, VOD etc. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the ‘also-rans’ and ‘near-misses’ separated per genre that very nearly made the final list:

Setting my stall out straight away, Steve McQueen’s Small Axe was very much TV to me and won’t get ranked within my film listing. I loved two of the efforts a great deal (Education and Mangrove), liked two but found them lacking (Red, White & Blue and Alex Wheatle) and did not get what everyone else seems to from the other (Lover’s Rock).

In terms of documentaries this year, I thought Frank Marshall did a fabulous job with The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend A Broken Heart; a comprehensive study of the personal complexities and professional excellence of an incredibly underappreciated band. I found On The Record to be a difficult but inspiring watch and its background ‘politics’ exposed the hypocrisy of Ava DuVernay and Oprah Winfrey in a manner we’re not talking loud enough about. Hitsville: The Making of Motown was an extensive, lovely historical tribute to an era and a style of music, full of great tunes and equally great talking head anecdotes. And finally Belushi managed to find fresh angles and previously untold stories about one of the most mythologised comedy stars of all time, simply by pulling the man to the forefront ahead of his talents.

For dramas, I enjoyed Trial of the Chicago 7 a great deal and am an absolute sucker for the work of Aaron Sorkin but bad casting (Eddie Redmayne) and stunt casting (Sacha Baron Cohen) hurt this film. I’m a sucker for a disaster movie and Pål Øie made an incredibly entertaining one with the Norwegian high-melodrama, The Tunnel. Edward Norton’s long-gestating Motherless Brooklyn was a solid, old-fashioned PI yarn with some great casting to back it up. It’s the most alive Bruce Willis has been in years and it served to remind you that Alec Baldwin can be quite the terrific actor when he’s not being an utter joke of a human. I liked The Vast of Night a great deal when in the throes of watching it but liked it less in the aftermath. Cut Throat City was the underrated dramatic gem of the year in a lot of ways and showed that RZA has a great deal of skill as a legit filmmaker, when not being caught up in the ‘gimmicks’. O.G finally landed here via Sky Atlantic of all places, rather than any sort of VOD release, and it was an enthralling drama that served to remind us all how brilliant Jeffrey Wright can be when not overacting to the point of cringe or being stuck with really terrible writing (hello, TV’s Westworld!).

With the blockbuster season at the cinema all but dead from the outset, the joys of the action genre were to be found in the little b-movies tucked away on streaming platforms and VOD. Quick notable exceptions were The Outpost which was a reminder that Rod Lurie can deliver a hell of an action sequence, blighted by truly awful film-damaging casting and Extraction which was a well-directed derivative piece of hokum. Donnie Yen delivered an earnest, entertaining end to one of the surprise action franchises of the last decade with IP Man 4 that not even Scott Adkins could fuck up. Hack director Deon Taylor accidentally delivered Black and Blue; a pretty good ode to the ‘man on the run’ non-stop action thrillers of the 80s and 90s – with Naomi Harris killing it in the lead role. Netflix tucked away two of the greatest b-movie actioners of 2020 with The Decline (a ‘Doomsday Preppers’ training camp goes horribly wrong) and Earth & Blood (a sawmill owner uses his place of work as a battleground to take on the cartel). And, finally, the Ma Dong-seok (aka Don Lee) Taken rip-off Unstoppable arrived to streaming and turned out to be vastly superior to all of the films it was a knock-off of.

It was a great year for horror, especially if you were open to the sort of scares you were after. Sea Fever didn’t stick the landing but delivered an ace sense of foreboding and tension building for the most part. Harpoon was a sneakily nasty, surprisingly engrossing, violent little film. VFW was a lot of fun but nowhere near as good as its concept and cast suggested it was going to be. It’s also been subsequently marred by the stories coming out of its production and the revelations about Fred Williamson. I thought Come To Daddy was an absolute gift of a horror comedy that kept swerving whenever you thought you had a handle on where it was going. And Elijah Wood continues to show himself to be an American national treasure. After Midnight was an intriguing relationship drama with a horror bent and You Should Have Left, the Stir of Echoes reunion we’ve all long sought, would work as an off-kilter double-bill with it. Kevin Bacon is brilliant in it. Vampires Vs The Bronx is a totally disposable but immensely fun ode to The Lost Boys and The Monster Squad that’ll serve you well on a lazy Saturday night. Black Water: Abyss was a really good little creature feature with a ridiculous ending that infuriates. And Train To Busan: Pennisular was a pretty shit Train to Busan sequel but an immensely entertaining post-apocalyptic zombie action movie.

Onwards is worth mentioning for the fun and moving animated ride it initially presents as but, like too much Pixar nowadays, it does not hold up to repeat viewing.

Comedy-wise, I thoroughly enjoyed Bill & Ted Face The Music but thought its gag-rate was far too hit and miss for it to take a place on the top spot. Buffaloed was a kind of “M’eh” blue-collar Wolf of Wall Street with yet another fantastic ‘How the fuck isn’t she a huge star already’ turn from Zoey Deutch. Timmy Failure: Mistakes Were Made was a quirky out-of-leftfield oddity that me and my eldest son enjoyed a great deal. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga was not the travesty you would’ve thought it’d be, mainly because of Rachel McAdams, but if Will Ferrell had just leaned a little harder towards his more absurdist style of humour (the killer fairy shit for example?) this could have been so much more. Finally, the second Borat film had some utterly majestic moments of cringe-comedy that make it worthy of a mention but the mechanics of joke-execution and faked set-pieces were far more on show this time around.

And now, if you’re still hanging in there that is, here is my actual Top 25 films of 2020…

25. Skyfire

I don't know whether it's because I’ve been starved of my usual 'Summer Silly Season' this year but I absolutely fucking LOVED this. It's the stupidest, most ridiculous, relentlessly bonkers "Jurassic Park - but with volcanos" fare you could ask for. I have no idea what the fuck Jason Isaac is doing in this but I’m so glad he is because it just adds to the glorious WTF-ery of it all. It's 30 minutes of mechanical lay-up followed by 60 minutes of non-stop, audacious carnage. It's been a long time since me and my wife have had this much fun watching something.

24. Bad Education

Dropped exclusively to Sky Cinema here, this is a great little film that has a shocking true story at its centre. Hugh Jackman and Allison Janney are absolutely terrific. Both of them are the sort of talents who've been in bad movies but never ever given a bad performance regardless.

Here both Jackman and Janney are having a ball with the material and they elevate a very good film into something that demands to be seen.

23. Blood Quantum

This was definitely one of the first-class b-movie horrors of the year for me. It does wonders on screen with very little AND it gives a shot in the arm to the zombie subgenre. It leads you into thinking you're getting yet another zombie-breakout film before expertly wrongfooting you into growing into something else. It's a Native American NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD meets MAD MAX!

22. Bad Boys For Life

This was a first-rate blast, it really was. From the inexplicable reusing of the 'Simpson/Bruckheimer' production card to the reworking of Mark Mancina's original theme, it draws you straight back to that 1990s blockbuster vibe. It's not just very funny and stacked with some pretty decent action sequences but, rather bizarrely, it actually has something interesting to say about ageing and masculinity... because nowadays Joe Carnahan is killing it when it comes to introspective recalibrations on what it means to be a man. If you were to spoil this movie for someone and reveal what the "twist" is it would sound like the stupidest, hokiest shit ever. And yet inexplicably they make it work. And furthermore, Martin Lawrence goes from the tag-along in this franchise to the platinum level MVP here. The entire final third is held up higher by his insanely good line delivery ("Would you fuck a witch without a condom?") and it's most likely how he plays shit as to why that stupid, hokey plot twist works as well as it does.

Over the course of three separate decades each BAD BOYS entry has, in itself, served to be a somewhat accidentally perfect reflection of the very cinematic decade it landed in: The first is possibly one of the last to truly and wholeheartedly successfully land that perfect marriage between the 'MTV era' and the blockbusters; bringing about the boom of the "music video director as filmmaker" that the 1990s became well known for. The second was a pitch perfect reflection of the gratuitous, often empty-headed, completely excessive pop culture period we were birthing in the 2000s. And the third lands now, right in the very time period where masculinity is being put under a spotlight and men are being asked to be more self-reflective about themselves and their conduct.

With that said, the fourth will obviously therefore land sometime in 2029 and deal with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence wandering a pandemic-ravaged Miami wasteland.

21. Wolfwalkers

This is one of the most lovely, visually wondrous, sumptuous animated films you'll experience this year. Or in quite some time, actually. It’s not just a great adventure film but it’s also a really effective ‘message’ movie that manages to teach about tolerance and friendship along with the perils of fear-mongering, without ever being overly preachy.

20. An American Pickle

This was one of the surprises of the year for me; I THOUGHT I was getting a quirky Seth Rogen fish-out-of-water comedy and instead I got that... with a massive dollop of heart, humour and interesting things to say about legacy and 'cancel culture'. I liked it a lot. It's also further evidence of how intriguing a talent Seth Rogen is becoming; jumping between broad commercial fare and original off-kilter stuff like this, producing and developing fascinating projects for film and TV and working to pass the ladder back down to others too.

19. Get Duked

I say this with only a modicum of bias as I know someone who worked a little bit on this film but this was genuinely brilliant - the absolute laugh-out-loud delight we all need right now. At the time I watched this I don’t think I’d smiled in nearly a fortnight but this broke through with me. Its wrap-up is a little too silly for its own good but that aside, this thing is absolutely stuffed with some TRULY great gags! This is one of the best comedies of the year for me.

18. Host

I had been giving this the big ol' swerve because it sounded like unoriginal, overhyped pish frankly and... fuck it, if that hype isn't absolutely deserved: It's a lean, effective, scary incredibly enjoyable ride. Made all the more fascinating by the fact it was made remotely on a shoestring with the director apparently never being in the same room as his cast at any one time due to Covid restrictions.

NB: I could not find a GIF to represent Rob Savage’s Host sufficiently so here’s Jack Black doing a backyard pandemic dance instead... 

17. Sweetheart

What a crackin, lean, little horror thriller it is. It gets straight underway from its fade-up and never overcooks itself or leans hard on lazy exposition, silly character actions or bad deus ex machinas. Remember when Jonathan Mostow made BREAKDOWN and it felt like such a shot in the arm for the man-against-the-odds/standard thriller? This is like that - but for survival dramas and creature features! It commits fully to its high concept, helped along by a truly excellent performance by Kiersey Clemons and some really well-delivered set-pieces (that first flare scene is very well done!). If you watched Tom Hanks in CASTAWAY and thought to yourself "This film is great but what it really needs is a monster!" then this is definitely the film for you. And if you believe the rumours, it’s allegedly a sneaky Creature From The Black Lagoon redo for Blumhouse’s expanding ‘Monster Universe’ too.

16. Soul

I really connected with this. I like Inside Out a great deal but I’ve never understood why it's spoken of as a flawless masterpiece when it's overlong, tonally all over the place and has clunky as fuck casting. In the same breath, I don't understand why the reviews for this are so disparate. I thought it was a wonderful way to spend 100+ minutes. It was visually inventive, funny and inspiring. It doesn't quite seed its VERY deep otherworld-building foundations and Graham Norton doesn't really work in his role but overall I thought it was a delight. And, unlike Onwards, it really does lend itself to repeat visits.

15. Tenet

I had real trepidation about seeing this what with the reviews being all over the place but... well... Is it complete, barely comprehensible bunkum of the highest order? Yes. Could the film have benefited from Nolan letting his brother Jonathan have a pass at the script? Hell yes! Is it most definitely not the majestic masterpiece of masterpieces it thinks it is? Yup. Yet in spite of ALL that I had an absolute blast with it, I really did. If you give it a seconds thought it crumbles completely as the utter egotistical piffle it really is. But where it excels is in looking so gorgeous, being so kinetic and massive with its action and casting with actors who sell the shit out of a hokey script that you're so consumed with the spectacle you don't smell the bullshit until its over. Washington Jr has come out of nowhere these last few years to make me a big fan of his work - and Robert Pattinson has went from being an actor I couldn't fucking abide to being someone I now really rate and who I came away from watching this thinking "Yeah, that's your goddamn perfect James Bond right there!"

14. Da 5 Bloods

It works infinitely better as a 'men on a mission' action adventure shot through the off-kilter lens of a Spike Lee "joint" then it does as a searing commentary about race, war, etc. And that's probably why Spike's choice to include real war atrocity photos and documentary footage alongside the narrative doesn't land as successfully as he probably intended it to. But as an overall film, it's a genuinely great watch. Delroy Lindo has always been one of the greatest working actor. Here he perhaps delivers his ultimate masterclass. Regardless of whether awards season moves online or not, you cannot have any SERIOUS dialogue during it that doesn't have his performance heading the conversation. Ignore the dickheads online putting this in the same bubble as TROPIC THUNDER or DIE HARD (??). This is a wink and a nod to TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE and APOCALYPSE NOW, through and through. It's big, bombastic, broad and unafraid to swing out in every direction. It's not flawless but that doesn't mean it's not fuckin ~great~!

13. His House

This very much stands as both one of the most impressive debuts and modern horror movies I’ve seen in quite some time. It's an effective, lean, interesting film that buries under your skin and takes up residency there. Go into it knowing as little as you possibly can and then let it scare the shit out of you and, in its reveals, kick the shit back into you.

12. Tread

I really, REALLY liked this. It's my favourite documentary film of this year - made by that fella who did the bonkers-bad killer dog in the warehouse movie with Adrian Brody, no less! It's an absolutely fascinating true story I knew nothing about, brilliantly intermingling talking heads, archival news footage, dramatic reconstruction and audio recordings. It'll really drop your jaw - it's most definitely one of those 'needs to be seen to be believed' type deals because if you described this to someone as having happened they'd never believe you!

11. Bacarau

No plot description really does this film justice and the less you know going in the better an experience you’ll have. It’s an odd, deeply violent, unsettling, darkly funny, bizarro confection of The Most Dangerous Game meets Assault on Precinct 13 and… well… even that doesn’t really do the film any justice whatsoever. It’s a critique of dire political circumstance mixed with political satire mixed with the tropes of the Western, the siege movie and both horror and comedy. It’s very much its own thing. And that’s what makes it so wonderous.

... and it’s sort of both wondrous AND weird that when searching for Bacarau related GIFs, this was the Brazilian offering I was given! I apologise.

10. Alone

I found this came out of nowhere to be one of my favourite films of the year; a crazily efficient, brutal B-movie without an inch of fat on it that works its propulsive and well-structured screenplay hard to make you feel like you're seeing a new variant on the "stalked woman in peril" film. John Hyams - son of Peter and the man who reconfigured the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER franchise to superb effect - has made one hell of an effective movie that beautifully captures the vastness of the Pacific Northwest: this is one part DUEL, one part FIRST BLOOD, all parts odes to everything from THE GREY, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and the last third of THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. It's very easy to make films like this. But it's clearly hard to make them as great as Hyams has done here, otherwise everyone would be doing it. Maybe coz what those films don't have is lead performances as strong and brilliant as Jules Willcox and Marc Menchaca give here.

9. American Murder: The Family Next Door

This is an incredibly powerful true crime documentary on a horrific tragedy, in which Jenny Popplewell tightly and clinically weaves through police interviews, news coverage and Shanann Watts' phone, laptop and social media to weave a moving and ultimately devastating portrait of her and her children's death at the hands of one of the worst forms of evil I’ve ever been exposed to. This still haunts me to this day.

8. Greyhound

I was really impressed with this. A crisp, lean, tension-drenched watch with yet another rock solid Tom Hanks performance centring it. It strips back all the tropes of these war pictures - the character backstories about post-war hopes and dreams, the cutaways to the families back home, the subplots involving the villains - and keeps a propulsive commitment to just this situation, this boat and the people on it; who only talk to one another about the job they're doing. As a result, it's completely involving and committed with action set-pieces that are clean, tense and entertaining as hell. Genuinely had a great time watching this and highly recommend it.

7. #Alive

Whilst the TRAIN TO BUSAN sequel earned rightfully shakey reviews, think of this as an unofficial prequel / 'side-sequel'. It is a tight, disciplined thrill-ride that throws up some interesting spins on old zombie set-pieces (climbing zombie vs. toy drone, for example). It may well deflate as it heads to its denouement but all before it was strong and entertaining enough for it to stand as one of his favourite horrors from this year.

6. The Invisible Man

This started good... then got very good... then got quite frankly flat-out tremendous and then entered a final third flipping anyone the 'bird' who thought that the trailers gave too much away. There is some truly tremendous, inventive and not at all 'cheap' jump scares. In fact, the whole second act is nothing else BUT terrifically effective scare after scare. All bolstered by a REALLY committed lead performance by Elizabeth Moss. Between this and UPGRADE, Leigh Whannell has not only become seriously one to watch but he's possibly just outed himself as John Carpenter's one-true heir.

5. Lynn + Lucy

I was left completely broken by this - what a truly fantastic piece of British cinema; a dark, uncompromising morality play for the modern age with a truly jaw-dropping performance by Nicola Burley. And, Jesus Christ, what an unbelievable find Roxanne Scrimshaw is?? THIS is her acting debut? Holy SHITBALLS! It's harrowing stuff that'll really make you think.

4. Parasite

This really is absolutely ~everything~ people are claiming it to be and more too! It's an exquisite piece of work, in love with the art of spinning out a story, narrative layers, sociological parables and effortlessly terrific direction. It builds and builds in an utterly enthralling manner and then... the pressure valve pops, taking you down a whole other audacious avenue that'll have you giggling at the insanity but still completely hooked.

3. Uncut Gems

It’s alright been memed and GIF’d to death but that doesn’t change the fact that it really is an astounding film - it's completely exhausting and quite honestly one of the most anxiety-inducing films I’ve seen in a long, long time. Even on multiple go-arounds, I found myself screaming at the screen, begging Adam Sandler's character to just fucking STOP for five seconds and... and... it's inescapable as to the direction down in which it heads but it goes there at such a propulsive rate, it is actually scary. An absolutely astounding film - it's like a John Cassavetes film shot with the adrenaline drawn from a Michael Bay action movie... and believe every bit of the buzz: Adam Sandler is jaw-droppingly fucking excellent in this!

2. Wolf of Snow Hollow

I thought this was a complete delight. Once again Jim Cummings has taken a film 'type' you THINK you know and infused it with his own very specific sense of humour to give us something that's very much delightfully off-kilter. What's more, as a sophomore directing effort, Cummings deserves all the plaudits for the massive advancement: There's action scenes and scary set-pieces that are really first rate and are way more accomplished than what you'd expect from someone only on their second movie and have never worked in the horror genre before. Cummings is REALLY funny in the lead role too but it's Robert Forster's final performance that'll break your heart. He was a hard miss anyway but this very much drives home what a great guy we've lost.

1.     The Way Back

Gavin O'Connor has hit the trifecta with this, Miracle and Warrior on making a masterful sports drama and using it as a platform to 'say something' and draw a career best from a talented but under-appreciated actor (first Kurt Russell, then Nick Nolte and now Ben Affleck).

Affleck is astounding here. Fallible, real and pained. He's truly brilliant. There’s a realism to every movement he makes and every breath he exhales that only someone who has struggled with addiction will recognise. And around him is a deconstruction of the sporting underdog movie as we know it - it's only by the end that we truly realise that this has always been about the connections made through the game rather than the game itself.

Like with Warrior, you can go back and watch this umpteen times and find different strokes in the human and unspoken moments. If ever there was a secretly feel-good film for 2020 it is this – the movie that tells us that it doesn’t matter how hard or how far we fall, we are defined only by the moments in which we rise again.

And that’s that. See you all next year. Maybe ;) 

[hawthornewhisperer]

Incoherent Screeching about 403

We start with SO MUCH BRAVENLARKE I am enjoying this even if they’re bickering.

I honestly can’t decide if Clarke’s snappish reaction to Bellamy’s “I’m not going to be one of the hundred” is a sign that this is an argument they have been having for days and she’s sick of it because you will live if I want you to live, dammit or if it’s the first time she heard of it and she’s caught off guard.  Either one would make me flail like a turtle on its back, though.

So @ponyregrets pointed out that the way Bellamy knocks on the window of the rover and makes Jaha get out is a clear sign he watched a bunch of cop movies on the Ark, and we both agreed that this was because Octavia was super into Lethal Weapon and both Blake siblings probably really liked Speed and long story short, it’s now officially canon that Bellamy Blake has a crush on Sandra Bullock and Miss Congeniality is the official movie of the Blake family as it unites Bellamy’s two great loves (Sandra Bullock and feminism) with Octavia’s two great loves (makeup and punching.)

I am going to deal with the Raven arc in one fell swoop because eventually I’m just gonna be screaming about bellarke, so here goes:  I feel AWFUL for Raven.  She’s making decisions entirely on her own because she’s literally the only person who can, and fucking no one is stepping up to be her shoulder to cry on.  I was definitely on her side over Abby in the medicine debate, and it really hurt to see her sort-of-mom challenge her, even if Abby truly believed she was doing the right thing.  Raven’s arc is clearly not over and I do like where it’s going, but god, someone draw her a bubble bath and pour her an entire bottle of wine because my girl needs it.

I also really, really, REALLY loved the brief scene with Bellamy and Luna.  I was surprised by how it was initially presented with Luna thinking she doesn’t deserve their help because she didn’t help them with the flame, though, because I never saw her decision as wrong?  Like, yes, it would have helped them immensely, but the way they went about it was SO AWFUL and TERRIBLE that I felt Luna was totally justified in being like “no fuck you get off my rig.”  So to have Luna frame her decision as having hurt them was surprising, but also very in character for our lovely pacifist mermaid.

HOWEVER, what I loved about that scene was the genuine remorse and understanding on both their sides.  Luna basically admitted she would get it if he saw this as her just rewards, and Bellamy flat out refused that interpretation.  His “no one deserves to suffer” was just the right amount of heartbreaking, because he probably does resent her a little but he never, ever wanted this.  I also think he understands her pain better than most, and I have to move on now because if I don’t this will be too fucking long so check back this afternoon for 2k on Bellamy/Luna parallels.

To conclude the radiation arc: absolutely none of us are surprised that Luna’s nightblood makes her resistant to radiation, but that pales in comparison to that gutwrenching death scene.  I cried and cried and thank you show, for remembering what you’re good at.

Murphy and Emori: god I love those two grifters so fucking hard, and I am really glad they at least addressed the complete lack-of-consent bullshit that was Murphy/Ontari.  I also love that Murphy is ingratiating himself to Abby as a way of making sure he and Emori survive because that is On Brand for those two assholes and I could not be happier.

Before we finish with the bellarke flailing, back to Polis!  ROAN’S ELVEN CLOAK IS EVERYTHING TO ME as is Indra having a daughter and backstory and an arc for this season that has almost nothing to do with the Skaikru.  I am here for it, and I am here for Indra and Gaia having a complicated mother/daughter relationship that is just as deep and nuanced as Clarke and Abby’s.  I am also really pleased with Octavia’s “fuck it, she’s family” decision to go against Roan, because that is insanely reckless and probably the wrong call politically but it is from the heart and in that respect it is 100% Blake and that makes me happy.

Also making me happy: Murderous Elf Prince!  He’s so handsome and angry and yeah, I’m into it.

Okay, so....The Road Trip and the List.  First of all, I laughed at Jaha sitting in the back while people young enough to be his kids drive the van, because....god, Jaha.  Of COURSE you would think a cult can save everyone.  That’s literally your first instinct: You know what could fix this? A cult!  However, (and there will be MUCH MORE IN DEPTH FLAILING ABOUT THIS IN A SEPARATE POST) I really appreciated that his role in that scene was to a) present Bellamy with an easy option to assuage his guilt and b) lampshade the role that Bellamy fills in Clarke’s life, and then Bellamy rejected them both.  He does not think that “it was for my people” is sufficient justification for the massacre (which: agreed, it isn’t) and I think that line was more about Jaha than Bellamy.  Jaha has decided that so long as he thought he was doing the right thing, it’s okay, but Bellamy is following Beard Dad on this one, which I think is the right call.  Bellamy also cannot see how important he is to Clarke, but he can see how important she is to him.  It’s like, instinctive-- Jaha says “you center her” and Bellamy is like “lol no she centers me.”  He doesn’t even take a beat to consider it, it just is.  However, while he was right to reject Jaha’s solution for guilt, he was definitely wrong to reject his place in Clarke’s life buuuuut it’s also understandable because a lot of Clarke’s feelings for him are still buried deep down inside of her and only come out when he’s sleeping.

Sidenote: so clearly, some of Second Dawn survived and guys, this means Grounders are descended from Scientologists.  I find this utterly delightful.  Thank you, show, for being bonkers.

And then, we get a brief moment of peace.  I am going to go with “Bellamy fell asleep and Clarke chose that moment to write out the list”  as my headcanon for this scene because I don’t see a scenario where Bellamy is like “you do this awful thing; Big Boy needs his nap.”  That’s not how they operate, and while I could maybe see him falling asleep due to pure exhaustion while they work on the list together, that also doesn’t feel very likely to me.  So unless I hear otherwise, that’s the interpretation I’m going with.

So Bellamy falls asleep and Clarke watches him, glad that he’s getting a moment of peace in the oncoming hell.  I suspect she kept his name off the list for several reasons, but the most important one here is she knows he doesn’t want to be on it.  She’s trying to honor his wishes, but then she looks at him and is like, “I cannot imagine a world where he doesn’t deserve to survive.”

And then she breaks down.  Because Clarke is never going to put her own name on that list, and it means she’s going to lose him.  (Of course, she’d also lose him if they BOTH died, but she has already decided that is Not An Option).  The weight of everything hits her at once, and Bellamy’s Clarke Alarm goes off and he wakes up.  (Aside: Bellamy being kind of snort-y and noisy when he wakes up is like, the cutest fucking thing in the universe A+ work Bob).  He knows right away what’s going on and he does the only thing he can think of: he offers his life in exchange for hers.

Except this time, they’re not dying-- they’re living.  He’s saying “fine, you want me to survive?  I’ll survive-- but only if you do too.”  Clarke just can’t bring herself to say “yes I deserve to live” so Bellamy does it for her, and then he touches her-- gently, and just the once-- to show her she’s not alone, and then he makes himself leave.  I have SO MANY thoughts about why he chose that moment to walk away, but I think the main reason was that he needed to, because he’s on the edge too and breaking down in front of Clarke wouldn’t help her.  And that’s his only goal in that scene-- help her, lift some of that burden, remind her that she’s not alone.  She’s his center, so he does what he can for her and then he walks away before he has to ask her for something, because to him that would be adding to her burden and that is unconscionable.

Because guys...he loves her so much.  And she loves him too.  

[andrewnstewart]

I’ve got a lot of opinions. Anyone who follows me on Facebook or Twitter or in real life knows this. I constantly want to talk about things that are going on in the world of entertainment, but I need an outlet. That’s what this is for. Every week, I’ll give you my thoughts and impressions on the biggest pieces of entertainment news, from trailers, to promotional images, to breaking news stories. I’ll even provide short reviews or impressions of the things I’m watching, reading, playing, and listening to every week. So sit back, relax, and get swept up in the swirling vortex that is… Opinionado!

Film:

Justice League (Trailer 1)

Whoo boy. Starting off with a doozy, huh? This was probably the most anticipated trailer on the planet. Even before Batman v Superman’s release, fans and critics alike have been wondering “What the hell is that Justice League movie going to look like?” Turns out, the answer is “Like a Zack Snyder film”. It’s got the incoherent action, the muted colors, overall grimy texture, and the copious amounts of slow-mo. The only thing this doesn’t have is Malick-like shots of wonder and Christ imagery. I’ve watched this thing a few times now and tonally it’s just all over the place. The film LOOKS exactly like a sequel to BvS would be expected to look, but they’ve sprinkled in a bunch of “light-hearted” attempts at humor (some of which works and some of which doesn’t) and layered the whole thing in a cheesy, rock-version of The Beatles’ “Come Together” because apparently Beastie Boys’ “Unite” would have been too on the nose. Look, it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of how Warner Bros. and Zack Snyder have handled the DC Extended Universe. I want them to succeed, because I actually like DC Comics and their characters and storylines, but I also want them to fail so that they can just start the whole thing over from scratch and do it the right way. I have no idea if Wonder Woman will be good (although the skeptic in me says to not get your hopes up), but I’m almost positive that Justice League will not be a good film. I hope I’m wrong – I actually like what they’ve done with Aquaman and the Flash, and I think Cavill, Affleck, and Gadot are actually a great central trinity – but man, some parts of this trailer look really bad! Cyborg is just awful on every level (is his costume still rendering?) and the set pieces in this thing just look so dreary. It’s like someone took Return of the King and turned down the saturation. And really, “Come Together”? Damn.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (Trailer 2)

“If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it.” CHILLS. Man, I am so ready for a good Spider-Man movie, and I really hope that’s what this is. It’s not the Marvel film I’m most excited about this year (that honour goes to Thor: Ragnarok), but I’m cautiously optimistic. I think that Tom Holland is a great Peter Parker, and I’m geeking out that Spider-Man will get to be a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I mean, could anyone else sell that “Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” line the way that Robert Downey Jr. sells it? I don’t think so. I love the whole “John Hughes with superpowers” thing, especially since I just saw the same thing done quite effectively in Power Rangers. We haven’t see much from the extended cast yet (remember that Donald Glover, Martin Starr, Hannibal Buress, Tyne Daly, Kenneth Choi, Tony Revolori, and Logan-Marshall-Green are all in this movie and I think we’ve seen glimpses of maybe2 of them in the two trailers released thus far), but I love the chemistry between Holland’s Peter and Jacob Batalon’s Ned. I’m even excited for the Vulture, and I don’t like the Vulture as a villain. I haven’t been a big fan of any of his iterations, be it revenge-seeking engineer, youth-sucking vampire, acid-spitting mutant or whatever, but I think this works. If anyone can pull this off, it’s Michael “Birdman” Keaton himself, and they’ve actually designed a Vulture suit that looks appropriately badass, especially when paired with that vintage military flight jacket. I’m excited to see where they take this whole thing.

A Ghost Story (Trailer 1)

Every now and then, there are movies that I hear enough good things about that I decide to abstain from watching their trailers. I did this for Arrival, I did it for Split (after seeing the initial trailer), I’m doing it for Colossal, and now I’m going to do it for A Ghost Story. So no, I haven’t watched this trailer yet, but I’m been assured that it’s a good one. Watch it, or don’t. Your choice.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (Trailer 2)

Man, I have no idea what to make of this movie, but I think I love it? It’s like Terry Gilliam, Baz Luhrmann, and Guillermo Del Toro got together to direct a pastiche of Star Wars, Jupiter Ascending, Moulin Rouge, Guardians of the Galaxy, John Carter, The Fifth Element, and Doctor Who. It’s so wacky and colorful and fun. I have absolutely no familiarity with the source material, but even if it fails completely on a plot and/or characters front, I need to see it on the biggest screen possible on opening night.

A Dark Song (Trailer 1)

I don’t have much to say about this one other than, uh, creepy. This looks to be right up my alley. I believe we’re going through a bit of a horror renaissance right now, and this looks like a strong contender to join the ranks of It Follows, The Babadook, The Witch, Get Out, and the rest.

It (Trailer 1)

Nope nope nope nope nope nope NOPE. That was my initial reaction to this trailer. Actually, I think my initial reaction was “holy shit”. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that this looks absolutely terrifying. I’m haunted by the image I saw as a child of a clown in a sewer grate, and this brings that right back to the surface. I get chills watching this thing. I know people are upset that Cary Fukunaga walked away from this project because they wouldn’t let him make the movie he wanted to make, but that doesn’t necessarily damn the movie. We were all upset about Edgar Wright leaving Ant-Man, but that movie turned out great. I’m not saying that Fukunaga’s It wouldn’t have been better, but that doesn’t mean that this one will be bad. Pennywise looks insanely creepy and the movie looks like it has been very well shot. I even kind of want to read the book now, which is insane, because I’m pretty sure it’s like, 8000 pages long.

Tomb Raider (Promo)

I mean, she looks great. That’s my opinion on this. She looks good. That’s really all we know, but it’s a good sign, right?

Sony Is Making Their Own Marvel Cinematic Universe (News)

If you haven’t already heard, this past month, Sony announced plans to release two new comic book movies in 2018 – an R-rated Venom film and a Black Cat/Silver Sable team-up film. If you don’t know who any of these characters are, that’s okay – most people who aren’t Spider-Man fans wouldn’t recognize them, which is why it’s weird that Sony is betting hundreds of millions of dollars that people will flock to the theaters next year to see them. Back when Sony was still producing those decidedly not-amazing Amazing Spider-Man films, they had plans for a grand web of interlocking Spider-Man films – a Spider-Man Cinematic Universe, if you will. They were in development on a Sinister Six film, a Venom film, and a female-led Spider-Man film. And then the Sony hack happened, and all of these details leaked out, and Sony began to tank. They ended up teaming with Marvel Studios to produce a new series of Spider-Man films that would tie into Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, the first of which, Spider-Man: Homecoming, comes out in July. We all assumed that Sony’s dream of a Spider-Man cinematic universe had died, because it just doesn’t really make sense to do that without Spider-Man. Well, you know what they say about assuming, right? As it turns out, Sony is charging full steam ahead of producing a number of Spider-Man spin-off films that will be, in no way, associated with Spider-Man: Homecoming or the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And that’s certainly… a choice. This is… this is maybe one of the more misguided decisions I’ve seen a studio make recently. I mean, I think DC is making a ton of mistakes with their cinematic universe, but at least they have access to all of their characters. Venom was designed to be Spider-Man’s foil. Black Cat was introduced as a love interest for Spidey. What are these characters without their shared history with Spider-Man? Imagine if DC made a Catwoman movie that had nothing to do with Bat-what? Oh, they did that already? Well how did it do? Oh. OH. Well… yeah. Then I expect these to do about as well as that did. Good luck Sony. You’ll need it.

Joss Whedon is Directing a Batgirl Movie (News)

Chances are if you know me, you already know how I feel about this news. My feelings towards the DC Extended Universe can be summed up with one Shania Twain song:

As I’ve said before, I’m torn on the DCEU – on the one hand, I’d love to see good movies based on DC characters, but on the other hand, I don’t want to see future movies saddled with the garbage continuity they’ve established thus far. I want a fresh start. Rebuild it from the ground up. Don’t build your home on a dubious foundation like Batman v Superman. Alas, Suicide Squad made enough money to keep this failed experiment afloat and I’m sure Wonder Woman and Justice League will help matters, regardless of their quality. With each passing day, I’m more and more convinced that we’re stuck with what we’ve got, but I can’t shake the feeling that everything Warner Bros. is doing is misguided. Did you know there are currently 18 DC films in various stages of development? Of those 18, only 6 have dates, and only 3 of those 6 have officially entered production. It’s absolutely bonkers. There is constantly so much drama going on behind the scenes of these things – the rumor mill is constantly churning, and it would be easy to just disregard it all if Warner Bros. didn’t have a history of driving talent away from their DC franchises (I’m looking at you The Flash). I’m not even sure it’s worth formulating an opinion over Whedon’s Batgirl film because the chances of a) it actually happening and b) Whedon being involved are so slim that it feels pointless. Will I watch a Batgirl film directed by Joss Whedon? Absolutely. I’ll watch anything by Joss Whedon. Would I rather he not make a Batgirl film and do something else instead? Absolutely. Will I get my wish? Probably! Who knows? Come see me in a year if Whedon is still attached to this stupid thing.

Review – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Look, there’s been a lot of controversy surrounding this anime adaptation and the whitewashing it contains. I won’t defend it, but I also understand the decisions that lead to this point. I’m not going to say anymore on that here because frankly, I have no authority to do so. I also don’t have the authority to speak on this film as an adaptation. I’m not a big anime guy. I haven’t seen any of the source material. In fact, I skipped out on watching the original film specifically because I wanted to judge Ghost in the Shell on its own merits. So what did I think? I thought it was good! Not great, just good. I enjoyed my time with it. It’s not going to win any awards for plot or characterization – it raises some interesting questions that it never gets around to answering – but it sure looks nice. The production design is just fantastic. The effects, the sets, the cinematography – this is a nice film to look at it. I kind of want to see it again in IMAX for that reason alone. If you’re looking for some entertaining eye candy, you could do a lot worse than Ghost in the Shell. If you’re looking for a deep, philosophical sci-fi film that’s going to blow your mind, look elsewhere.

  Television:

Black Lightning Gets a Costume (Promo)

In case you weren’t aware, The CW is getting a fifth (FIFTH!) DC superhero show in Black Lightning. It’s unclear as of now whether or not Black Lightning would exist as a part of The CW’s Arrowverse, as it was initially developed for Fox, who passed on the script. The pilot is currently filming in Atlanta and we now have our first look at Cress Williams in costume as Black Lightning, and it’s… busy. Aesthetically, it actually fits in well with the rest of The CW’s superhero shows. They continue to go in a completely different direction than Marvel Television, who seem intent on downplaying as many costume elements as they can (just check out the leaked set photos from the Inhumans). Many have remarked that this would be a better costume for the Inhumans’ Black Bolt, but… we’ll get to that when we’ve got an official still from that production.

ReBoot Reboot is Official (News)

As a kid, I adored Reboot. The first computer animated TV series, ReBoot was revolutionary from an industry standpoint, but it was also revolutionary to me from a storytelling standpoint. ReBoot, along with its sister-series Beast Wars (or Beasties, for us Canadians) showed me that kids show didn’t have to be dumbed down. Both series’ featured dark, mature storylines, with character deaths and plot twists. A lot of my storytelling proclivities were formed during this period and they greatly influenced me. So it’s with a heavy heart that I must announce that ReBoot is returning as a CGI/live-action hybrid. Who is this for? People have been clamoring for more ReBoot for years, and every now and then we’ll hear something about an eventual ReBoot reboot, but now it’s officially official and I don’t think it’s what anyone wants. Instead of a straight sequel or a re-imaging, we’re getting some weird thing about teens who play an MMO and get tasked with protecting… cyberspace or something. I don’t know. It sounds really stupid. One of the character’s names is “Goog’z”. GOOG’Z! Apparently the original characters will play some sort of role, but I just don’t really have any interest in seeing human characters. Am I the only one? I hope I’m wrong! But I’m never wrong. My opinions are always right (re: DCEU).

Legion Season 1 (Impressions)

I recently finished the first season of FX’s Legion, and… y’all should watch Legion. It is such a unique, gem of a show. I don’t want to spoil any of the weird, little things that make it so special, but I will say that the acting, the music, and the production values are all top-notch. It quickly became one of my favorite currently airing programs. Things start off weird and only get weirder, but the payoff is worth it. This is a Noah Hawley (Fargo) show based on the X-Men franchise. I shouldn’t have to convince you to watch it.

Attack on Titan Season 2 Premiere (Impressions)

It’s time. Time… for anime! I’ve never been a big anime fan, but one of the few shows that I had actually watched was Attack on Titan. I go to anime for weird, crazy things that I can’t get from American films and TV shows, and Attack on Titan fits that bill. It takes place in a world in which humanity has been driven into near-extinction by a race of mindless, titanic, naked men. Yeah, you read that correctly. The remnants of humanity hide behind 3 massive, concentric walls that protect them from these titans, but they’re forced to fight when a colossal titan breaks through the gate. They fight using these aerial maneuvering devices that utilize gas-powered harpoons attached to ropes to swing through cities and forests like Spider-Man. It’s as crazy as it sounds. It’s ridiculous, intense, disturbing, and graphically violent. I love it. After a 3+ year wait, season 2 has finally premiered, and the insanity has continued. There are a couple great twists in the first episode and I can’t wait to see where things go from here.

  Games:

Destiny 2 (Worldwide Reveal Trailer)

I, like many others, have a love/hate relationship with Destiny (both the game and the universal force). Prior to its release, I had it in my mind that we were getting something along the lines of “epic space opera of Mass Effect meets combat of Halo”. What I didn’t expect was “first-person sci-fi Diablo with less story”. It’s a very nice looking game with interesting art design, it’s got a good world with plenty of lore to discover, and the gameplay actually feels great – it’s just that none of that ever coalesced into a really great whole. The pieces are (mostly) there, but they were never arranged properly. The fun was mired by confusing systems and weird restrictions. I think there is a great game lurking somewhere in Destiny (and I’ve certainly sunk enough hours into it), so I’m hopeful that Bungie figures things out with Destiny 2. I think I like this trailer? The tone is a little off though; it feels like it’s trying way too hard to be whatever it thinks people want. I’m holding off judgment until we learn more about what the game actually is and how it differs from the first entry.

  Music:

Kendrick Lamar – “Humble”

Okay, first of all, the song is straight fire. Second, does anyone else feel like Kendrick watched Beyonce’s Lemonade and thought “I can do that”? Not that this 3-minute video necessarily stands alongside Beyonce’s opus, but it certainly seems to be inspired by it. The video is filled with fascinating imagery and interesting camera shots. I’m not smart enough to begin to understand what any of it means, but it sure looks great, doesn’t it? It inspires hope in me that I’ll actually enjoy Kendrick’s new album after feeling let down by To Pimp A Butterfly. Yeah, that’s right. Come at my haters.

Broken Social Scene – “Halfway Home”

I was a huge Broken Social Scene fan back in high school, and they, along with Arcade Fire, basically shaped my taste in music during the mid-to-late 2000’s. I was a fan of just about anything the Arts & Crafts label released, and at one point I was basically buying all of it (even though I ended up with many CD’s I disliked and would never listen to again). I thought that I had outgrown Broken Social Scene, but it sure brings a smile to my face to see them all performing on stage again. BSS concerts are a special experience, because it’s literally just a group of friends playing music together on stage. There’s a purity and an intimacy to it that you don’t get from big, packaged concerts. I’m not sure I really dig the song all that much, but I’m glad that Broken Social Scene is back regardless. “Friendship ladies and gentlemen, friendship!”

The start of a new series in which I share my opinions on the entertainment news of the week. I’ve got a lot of opinions. Anyone who follows me on Facebook or Twitter or in real life knows this.

[gazzhowie]

My Top 25 Movies of 2019.

It is indeed time… or at least, as is tradition, it is indeed now overdue for me to dust off the cobwebs from my Tumblr account and post my Top 25 movies of the year.

This time for 2019.

Years 2008 through to present are available in the archive. Frequent visitors know that I’ll throw out a few special mentions to all the films that I wish I could’ve included but couldn’t make them fit yet believe they deserve a shout out regardless and then I get stuck in to what I think are the 25 best films of the year.

As always, films listed are based on their UK release date whether that’s in the cinema or on DVD, VOD etc.

And no, despite several attempts, repeated proclamations on social media AND owning the bloody thing outright for the last 6 months, I still never got round to seeing Ash is The Purest White in time for my self-imposed deadline for this so if you’re here to see that lauded, I will dash your expectations now.

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the ‘also-rans’ and ‘near-misses’ separated per genre that very nearly made the final list:

In terms of comedies, I very much enjoyed The Breaker Upperers, The Favourite, Always Be My Maybe, Mega Time Squad, Good Boys, Brittany Runs a Marathon and – as ultimately disappointing as it turned out to be in comparison to the original – yes, Zombieland: Double Tap.

Dramas I really liked this year were The 12th Man, The Old Man And The Gun, The Man Who Killed Hitler and then Bigfoot, White Boy Rick, Stan & Ollie, Deadwood: The Movie, The Sister Brothers, the first two thirds of Feedback, Hotel Mumbai, The Mule, Shadow, Thunder Road, The Clovehitch Killer, The Nightingale, Destroyer, Vice and, as uncomfortable as it made me, Ray and Liz.

Documentaries I rated highly in 2019 included Leaving Neverland, Free Solo, The Inventor: Out For Blood In Silicon Valley, Divide & Conquer: Roger Ailes and The Amazing Jonathan Documentary.

In terms of horror movies, rather controversially I seem to stand alone in saying I rather liked both Velvet Buzzsaw and The Dead Don’t Die. I also thoroughly enjoyed One Cut of the Dead, Happy Death Day 2 U and In Fabric, the last of which VERY nearly made the final Top 25 cut.

Action movies I was a fan of this year were both Triple Frontier and Triple Threat, The Quake (or The Wave 2: The Quake as it is inexplicably retitled in some countries), We Die Young which features a wordless and stellar Van Damme performance, Furie and Stuber.

On the blockbuster ‘stage’, I fully embraced the absolute utter insanity (or stupidity?) of The Wandering Earth, really liked Shazam! As well as Spiderman: Far From Home and Terminator: Dark Fate. Somewhat controversially, I also had a lot of fun with Jumanji: The Next Level, 6 Underground and Joker (a straight-up masterpiece that last movie most certainly is not!).

Finally, in terms of animation that I liked in 2019 I’d pay mention to How To Train Your Dragon 3, The Lego Movie 2 and Toy Story 4 – the last two being very likeable but totally unnecessary. And of course, Klaus which was a lovely, moving, visual joy that me and my family will return to a lot over the years.

Now… onto that Top 25:

25. BOOKSMART

I really loved this first time I saw it earlier this year. I found it very funny and thought the performances were delightful by the two main leads. I had issues with the clusterfuck that is the film's third act but not enough that I didn't hold a place for it in my Top 10 of the year for pretty much the last four months or so. Then I revisited it again recently and I’ve still got a huge amount of affection for it and there is still a large amount of it that makes me laugh out loud - but that third act REALLY rubs me the wrong way.

Asides from the clunky plot developments that exist purely to give the film conflict and some sort of narrative 'propulsion' it doesn't necessarily need AND on top of the fact that Billie Lourd's entire thing is embarrassing and awful (are we allowed to kind of lean in together and whisper yet that she can't act very well?), what really smarts is for a film that is meant to be this 'progressive' and female-centred, it leans in on the laziest and most horrible of high school comedy tropes - the horny teacher who beds the student! And like cliche dictates it is always a female teacher and male student because even a film as allegedly "progressive" as this is self-aware enough to know that if the sexes were reversed they couldn't / wouldn't get away with it.

In an age of #MeToo and #TimesUp the idea that a female filmmaker would go with this iffy fuckin cliche in her debut movie and have no problem at all leaves a horrible taste over the back end of an otherwise pretty great little film... But yeah, definitely still check out BOOKSMART. Its progressive, millennial bullshit stance is complete piffle. But its comedic set-pieces are a lot of fun.

24. IT: CHAPTER TWO

I don’t understand anyone who's coming away from IT CHAPTER 2 complaining there's a lack of scares. There's not a lack of scares at all. The problem is there scattered across a running time that is not structured well enough to accentuate them. There were some moments where I very nearly jumped out of my seat and left because of their effectiveness - the pay-off to Bev returning home as teased in the trailer? Fuuuuuuck THAT!

I think it is fair to criticise its flabbiness though… How the hell its director can talk about his intentions for a four hour cut of this pushed up alongside a three hour cut of the first chapter as some sort of hope for the future feels insane - FOUR hours? This thing is ten minutes shy of three and it feels excessive!

The lack of discipline in the editing bay is quite possibly the reward that comes from delivering a $700.4 million return on a $35 million budget the first time round. That lack of discipline doesn't make for a film as focused as it needs to be... Once you realise an hour in that the story structure is one in which each character is split off to revisit their past and then each character is then going to be given a 'teachable moment', you realise that you've essentially got to watch the same plot point be repeated SIX times round each time. And from a narrative perspective that's both annoying and exhausting, frankly.

Hand on heart though, it's a minor quibble overall because what is there is effective as hell and very entertaining. Think of it cinematically as too big a portion of a great frickin meal... It's a hypocritical complaint also because ultimately there is so much joy in watching these actors go at playing these characters (Bill Hader is an absolute marvel in this and Jessica Chastain lives up to the 'dream casting' suggestion the minute Sophia Ellis turned up in the first one!)

It may well be overlong by a good thirty minutes but it is still an incredibly scary, funny ride... just with a denouement that, once again, shows how hard it is to deliver the climactic goods when Stephen King has given you such utter excrement to work with.

23. THE GANGSTER, THE COP, THE DEVIL

I watched this and flat-out loved it - yet another reminder that you can spin the dial and pick a genre, any genre, and the reality is that South Korea are delivering the best efforts in it nowadays. This is a big, broad, bombastic slice of action pulp that has its cake as a thriller/procedural and eats it as a blockbustery burst of car chases and violent dust-ups.

The remake rights for this are with Stallone and that's a scary prospect really coz if there's one thing problematic about that guy is that he's not ~great~ with playing "evenly" (the stories that came off the CREED II production are terrifying!).

22. AT THE HEART OF GOLD

I watched this with my wife and the both of us just kept shooting aghast and pained looks at one another the longer it went on.

Forensic documentary studies like this are a big interest to me but this was a gruelling yet kind of inspiring watch because it did the right thing in putting the victims front and centre from the get go and throughout.

Child abuse is an abhorrent thing. Doubly so on a scale like this. BUT when you're watching the revelations that it was so commonly known to be going on and covered up to the extent and at the level it was? That is just... there's just no words!

Fantastic little documentary though. If you think you know the full facts on this, you don't! And if the last 4 years are any indication, our generation have found our own Errol Morris coz Erin Lee Carr is responsible for 4 of the best documentaries in that time with this, I LOVE YOU NOW DIE, THOUGHT CRIMES and MOMMY DEAD & DEAREST.

21. ABDUCTED IN PLAIN SIGHT

I find that once in a while there's a true crime documentary so flat-out, jaw-droppingly fuckin... out there, that most of its enjoyment isn't in how utterly astounding it is but mostly the fun you have in telling people the details of it and watching them incredulously go "Fuck the fuck off! This didn't happen? Surely not!"

I saw this in early January when no one was talking a single word about it here in the UK and I spent roughly three months banging on and on about it to anyone and everyone and, sure enough, everyone looked at me like I was mad and kept saying "Fuck the fuck off! This isn’t a real thing, surely??” Then it landed on Netflix and… everyone went bonkers!

It is a tight 90 minute uncomfortable, grim, totally incredulous jaw-dropper detailing what are two of the STUPIDEST parents and the most horribly manipulative paedophile you could imagine. You've GOT to check this out because without this documentary no one would EVER believe the story of… ** SPOILERS here on out ** ... the most horribly manipulative paedophile you could imagine, who moves his family into the house next to a husband and wife with three daughters, befriends them, tricks the dad into giving him handjobs, seduces the mum into heavy-petting sessions - all with the intent of lowering their defences so he can get access to their youngest 11 year old daughter... who he abducts, manipulates by pretending to be an alien into believing there's an alien invasion that can only be prevented by her having his baby and sneaks across to Mexico once she's 12 so he can marry her. Then he gets arrested by the FBI, brought back to America, uses his previous intimate dalliances with BOTH parents to blackmail them into dropping the charges, re-seduces the mother into a long-term sexual relationship, reabducts the young daughter, hides her in a boarding school, poses as a CIA agent and...

... and... and... not one single element of this is UNTRUE! What the FUCK, right?!?

20. MIDSOMMAR

There's issues to be had with this in the sense that at two and a half hours it is needlessly self-indulgent and from a storytelling point of view it suffers like many from that flaw of walking in the wake of THE WICKER MAN's story beats without finding much in the way of variation.

However, it is exceptionally well directed and the building of tension and concern (despite knowing exactly where it will inevitably go) is impressive. It basks in its weirdness and then seemingly delights in getting weirder... You can say you've heard this story before but you won't have SEEN it told with imagery quite like this. The whole shebang wouldn't work half as effectively if not for the performances and they really are great here. Florence Pugh is quite exceptional. She joins Toni Collette in what will clearly be Ari Aster's roster of "Tremendous Performances That Deserve Awards But Won't Get Them".

By the film's end you come to realise the film is leaning into THE WICKER MEN comparisons purposefully - to show us what that movie would look like today, in Trump's America: Obnoxious Americans pissing up against and fucking around with longstanding tradition and history.

19. Us

Ignore all of the bullshit 33,000+ deep dive 'think pieces' spewed out across the internet about this and just judge it for what it is: a great horror thrill-ride with some terrific jump scares etc. but it's not without its flaws. For one, it's too strong a film to get landed with that big and lazy an info-dump conclusion... especially one that kind of clunks against what's gone before - but then, as much as we're clearly not meant to call Jordan Peele out on anything it seems, he IS a vastly superior director then he is a writer if this effort is anything to go by.

Was it really, really requiring of those penetrative essays though on what it "really" means or what Peele's hidden intent was? Could it not just be that the guy made a great horror film with all the very clear subtext of a Romero or Carpenter classic, and there's just nothing more to it than that? Because that's how I’m taking it. Because if I don't and I do actually have to wade through all this internet word clunge about how US is "really" about "the effects of classism and marginalisation" or how the antagonists are "effigies of situational classism", I'd write the film off as a failure of achieving its intent.

To dress it up as more than a relentless, scary cat-and-mouse shocker is like trying to put a monocle on a pig and call it a professor.

18. WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOUR

I went into this as a British person completely unfamiliar with Fred Rogers or any of his past work / impact on America and came away completely reverential to the man and what he stood for and achieved across generations. So much so that this documentary completely changed my outlook on a lot of things. It certainly changed the approach I take in how I communicate with my own children now.

It’s a heartwarming, inspirational ode to a clearly great man and I urge everyone to watch it and allow Mr Rogers to give your jaded perspective on life a reinvigorating kick in the butt.

17. APOLLO 11

This really is magnificent. The 70mm archival footage makes the whole thing make it look like you're watching a big studio blockbuster... and not actual real never-before-seen footage from decades ago.

There's moments within this that are just astounding and intoxicating, making you become completely engulfed in something even though you are well versed in what the outcomes are.

16. LONG SHOT

This was the surprise delight of the year. It was very lovely, fun and funny with a great cast being just thoroughly delightful. Charlize Theron is very rarely utilised in comedy (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Season 3 was so long ago) which is a shame coz she's really gifted, as is proven here - the scene where she does hostage negotiation on molly is one of the funniest scenes of the year!

Seth Rogen makes the sort of stuff that is just game-set-match for my particular sensibilities (40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN to SUPERBAD to KNOCKED UP to PINEAPPLE EXPRESS to OBSERVE & REPORT is in itself an all-timer run that puts him up there with Robin Williams, Eddie Murphy and Albert Brooks) and this is a further reflection of that.

They should never have changed the title to something this generic. And it could comfortably lose 15 minutes here or there. But they're minor niggles for a romcom that we'll still be holding in high regard for years to come. And June Diane Raphael SHOULD get awards for the graft she puts in here. She won’t because films like this never get respect like that, but she totally should.

15. JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 3 - PARABELLUM

I flat out loved this (though I still maintain that I don’t even think the star and the director themselves have referred to the film by its 'full name') and I would be more than happy to see an entry to this franchise every two years if they're of this calibre.

CHAPTER 2 had me worried because it looked like there was a limit to just how much 'throwing people down to the ground and shooting them in the head with CGI gunfire and blood added in on top' you could push into a film before it felt tiresome but this completely circumnavigates all worry around that by dialling up the 'quirk' factor which has always been this franchise's most bizarro and interesting element.

And the introduction of Halle Berry to 'the floor' led to a stand-out set-piece that was nothing short of astounding!

I WOULD however have preferred it if this film had adopted a bit of the ol' VH1 Pop-Up Video Show (remember THAT??) approach and just stuck a bubble up during the motorbike sequence that said "We stole this wholesale from THE VILLAINESS because we know it’s unlikely you saw that movie!")

14. READY OR NOT

I offer up the heartiest of recommendations for this - an absolutely first class horror comedy that finds a delightfully irreverent spin on the cat-and-mouse / slasher movie. It really is the ‘little movie that could’ of 2019 that offers up way, way, way more than its marketing and log-line suggest. It’s very funny and has some truly effective jump-scares and, best of all, it has a great ensemble cast doing great work. Double-bill it with KNIVES OUT and thank me later!

13. ARCTIC

This really worked as an effective, throw-you-into-the-mix survival thriller. Mads Mikkelsen is terrific and he really sells the hell out of it.

You don't know just how successfully it has burrowed under your skin and pulled you along on the ride until the final five minutes when you're screaming "NO!" at the screen.

12. AD ASTRA

I still can’t believe this flopped. I genuinely can’t. It's fair to say it doesn't quite stick its landing in making the end of the journey as narratively thrilling as what it took to get there but it doesn't matter - the journey itself is a sumptuous, thrilling and truly exquisite ride taking an easy "APOCALYPSE NOW in space" label and delivering something so, so much more.

For anyone who grew up with any "sins of the father" issues this will act as a ten ton weight dropped onto their chest.

... It also has space pirates and space monkeys!

11. MARRIAGE STORY

The plaudits are all well-earned and I’m saying this as someone who's connected with very little of Baumbach's work other than THE SQUID & THE WHALE.

It's a genuinely enthralling watch due to a fantastic group of actors being set loose to do tremendous work; Adam Driver is superb and Scarlett Johansson raises her game considerably to go toe-to-toe with him but Laura Dern, Ray Liotta and Alan Alda deliver a trio of masterclasses under one roof.

(If there's ANY justice whatsoever in awards season Alda will split everything Best Supporting Actor related with Joe Pesci… He won’t, because there is no justice when it comes to the vast majority of awards season but that is not to say he doesn’t deserve it!)

This is a delicately crafted piece - where your favoured side in a fight you feel you really shouldn't be privy to, is expertly switched around - that comes from a very obvious place of truth.

10. STAND-OFF AT SPARROW CREEK

I really, really liked this. I can see it's a film I'll go back to quite a few times over the years and see if I can spot the 'turn' because, first time round if I’m honest, I very much did not see the reveal coming.

It's a great little film. The performances are terrific (James Badge Dale is the best actor of our generation, frankly) and Henry Dunham has delivered a hell of an interesting film - all long shots into dark corners of a big dank space, scenes shot with natural torchlight and headlight beams. It's never not interesting to look at.

It's essentially RESERVOIR DOGS re-spun so the diamonds are replaced with missing fire arms and the back alley warehouse in LA is replaced with a militia compound in backwoods America.

9. KNIVES OUT

I found this to be a tremendous amount of fun; the somewhat obvious result that is birthed from a great writer/director putting a terrific script in front of an exceptional cast, designing a fabulous set for them to let loose inside of and then stepping out of their way for quality to reign.

There's a barely tolerable Edgar Wright version of this where the filmmaking is of course "the star", the editing is distracting and the music is purposefully kitschy.

This very much isn't that.

It's decidedly UNshowy and by being so comfortable in its own skin, emulating a classic style of storytelling not so much told anymore, it really stands out as an excellent piece of original cinema.

8. DOLEMITE IS MY NAME

I urge you all to completely buy the hype: DOLEMITE IS MY NAME is every bit as fantastic as everyone is saying and Eddie Murphy is like awards-worthy great in it.

You don't have to have seen DOLEMITE to have fun with this but having done so certainly accentuates it.

It's very funny, surprisingly moving and is a genuinely great ode to the importance of following your passions and not letting anyone stifle your creative aspirations... Hell, if this thing existed 25 years ago I myself would be as prolific as Lee fuckin Childs by now.

Da'Vine Joy Randolph gives THE best supporting actress performance of the year. From straight-up out of nowhere.

Genuinely can't wait to watch this a few more times down the road.

7. AVENGERS: ENDGAME

I think there's two ways of looking at AVENGERS: ENDGAME - as a film in its own right with an atypical start, middle, end, etc. AND as a piece of cinematic event-level entertainment.

In the case of the former, it is pretty damn great though not entirely without its flaws:

Give the narrative set up and logical lay out a single seconds thought and this entire thing crumbles to the ground. On top of that, it takes a while to bed down and get going and its tonal scattershot approach across the first forty-odd minutes is a little jarring. Quite literally you're coming out of that first hour with your head-spinning from laughing and then getting whipped into sombre, dour moments... slapped with narrative leaps and 'we're putting the team back together' beats.

Then the 'points of purpose' settle in and quite frankly we're off to the fucking races, man. Captain Marvel is a repeated, annoying goddamn useless 'deus ex machina' and the entire use of Paltrow/'Rescue' is just irritating. BUT everything 45+ minutes is so, so, so, so flipping ACE that shit like that can't even destabilise it.

There's critics out there deriding this as 'Fan Service: The Movie' and, you know what, damn fucking straight it is and there's nothing wrong with that.

(Although it could be argued that a clunky 'let's put all the women together in one shot' moment that lands with a thud is 'fan service' taken too far and not pitched within proceedings well enough for it to be anything other than cloying.)

The entire middle hour of these three hours is a play within a play; only the play its playing in just happens to be TWENTY-TWO OTHER MOVIES!

They could have phoned this in haaaaaard by this point and it is so, so, so commendable that they didn't. Hell, a lot of the films problems lie in the fact that they tried as hard as they did to really do doing something you wouldn't be expecting with this!

As an 'event', there will never be anything like this again in my lifetime, I don’t think. I knew this walking out of it. There'll be more JUSTICE LEAGUE type failed rip-offs. Marvel themselves will try and replicate it with the law of diminishing returns playing into effect. But there will NEVER be something so accomplished from something so long-form on such a grand stage as this again as far as I’m concerned.

6. CRAWL

I’ve went back for multiple viewings of this and absolutely LOVED it even more each time.

It's a lean, bullet-fast, brutal B-movie creature feature that does not fuck around: There is a complete lack of JAWS like foreboding, skulking around... This is straight-up, in your face, nasty, fast carnage. Anyone going in expecting a knowing, winking PIRANHA 3D / SNAKES ON A PLANE type deal is in for a hard slap.

It's pitch perfect entertainment in the sense that it grabs you and then just keeps turning the screws ("Oh, she's battling an alligator in a flooded crawlspace!" "Aww, man! It's a full on storm and there's TWO alligators now!" "Holy Fuckballs - There's MANY alligators and a hurricane now??").

The last 25 minutes alone are an all-out, relentless assault upon your ability to breathe steadily.

This is the best B-movie of 2019!

5. DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE

My wife and I are big fans of S. Craig Zahler's BONE TOMAHAWK and BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99 (two of the best films of the last decade) even though it's becoming more and more apparent he's quite far from our own political stance.

This, Zahler's latest effort, drops the latent suggestion and presents its right-wing, racist immoral world view with no restraint or apology. And regardless of your political stance, if you're there for the story and the filmmaking craftsmanship you'll find this to be tremendous stuff.

It's like a cut-price, gutter level version of Michael Mann's HEAT; a tale of cop and criminal convergence, told at a thoroughly unhurried and unconcerned pace... Only Zahler would think to interrupt his narrative to propose a short story within the story (about a mother returning from maternity leave) that's only there so that he can hurt you with it.

Mel Gibson's presence here laid up against the subject matter is the very definition of provocative and contentious but there's no getting around the fact that he is as tremendous an actor as he is an awful, awful human being. And by all counts he's REALLY very awful.

Gibson is every shade of ace in this and he's ably supported by Vaughn, who's rightly leaning away from the comedic persona he's broken too badly.

This is a languid, unapologetically nasty film but it's also an excellent one. It's so not for everyone but if you've liked BONE TOMAHAWK and BRAWL IN CELL BLOCK 99 then this is a must. In fact, it's both easily Zahler's best film and one of the best films of the year.

4. MISSING LINK

I think this really is an absolute jewel and I can't understand why more folk aren't screaming about it. It's very funny and visually wondrousness (that boat-in-the-storm INCEPTION homage action sequence is fabulous). The magnitude of talent that would have gone into making this via stop motion... knowing that it takes one week to complete one to two minutes of useable footage!

The creases in the texture of each characters clothing as they move too? WOW! I’ve always adored Laika's output but this was the first for me where the sheer care and attention to detail really shone!

For one, it's easily one of the funniest movies of the year. For another, it looks totally gorgeous. And best of all, it gives kids their very own GUNGA DIN / RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK cinematic adventure type experience.

3. FORD VS. FERRARI (aka LE MANS ’66)

I’m so glad in the same very year where ‘Film Twitter’ nearly blew itself up over the ‘Marvel / Tentpole Cinema / Scorsese / No original studio films anymore’ debate, I got to experience something as majestic and very nearly perfect as FORD VS FERRARI (aka LE MANS '66).

It's got such a tremendous old fashioned style to it that I hope they do what they did with LOGAN and give us a black and white edition and we have 60s era style movie credits to open and close it. It's that kind of movie.

Yet at the same time it manages to display all the high end technical filmmaking majesty backed up by wall-to-wall terrific performances (only Josh Lucas lets the side down with his inability to deliver anything above unsubtle, cartoonish panto villainy).

It's a gorgeous, kinetic, enthralling and by the end a surprisingly tender and moving piece of cinema. I completely adored it.

2. ONCE UPON A TIME IN… HOLLYWOOD

I fell in love hard with Tarantino's ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD straight-out-the-gate and fell harder with repeated viewings. It's a beautifully shambolic, meandering 'day in the life' sort of deal that plays out as a dry, knowing comedy with a sideline in impending, escalating dread... before becoming, well, something else entirely that's so shocking and out of left field that it feels so courageous because of how swiftly it will divide a viewer.

What's so monumentally lush about it is that it is made by a cinematic craftsman who is essentially writing a love letter to everything he adores/adored about a very specific time in a very specific place within the industry that made him. It is framed, lit and shot with aplomb but on top of that every single thing inside of the frame is chockfull of things that are background noise to somebody and yet incredibly meaningful, funny and knowing to true TV and cinema fans.

If there's any complaint to be made about this movie it's that Tarantino's continued insistence on shoe-horning Zoe Bell into his films is absolutely hurting his product: The woman can't act, can't judge the tone of a scene, is flat-out incapable of putting in a performance consistent with what is going on around with other actors and she is routinely a very hard, very annoying distraction that draws you straight out of the film.

You could argue that it is a listless movie because, in the conventional sense people expect of a narrative, does anything truly happen in the atypical Act 1, Act 2 and Act 3 type of way. But I'd counter-argue that all the enjoyment is in just spending time watching these characters move around and interact with one another.

Knowing the history of Sharon Tate and what happened to her at the hands of The Manson Family fills the entire proceedings with a sense of nausea-inducing nervousness about what we're going to see and to what degree. It's like a pressure valve sat in the background, slowly filling and expanding and just waiting to explode. That it eventually does but in the manner it does, is... well it's audacious... and yet questionable... and still entertaining as hell.

1. THE IRISHMAN

Without a hint of exaggeration, at least once a day every day since I first saw this film I’ve found myself thinking back to both DeNiro's "phone call" scene of which no words would convey its brilliance and Pacino's final scene and the sound he makes in it. The former is genuinely just one of the most haunting, astoundingly natural pieces of acting you'll see from a truly great actor you'd kind of forgot was capable of going to places like this.

This really is a straight-out-the-gate, instant, flawless, completely majestic work of art. It is a master craftsman signing off on a genre he revolutionised in much the same way Clint Eastwood closed down his connection to the western with UNFORGIVEN.

It is three and a half hours long and it doesn't feel remotely close to that... and that's saying something considering most of the film's real awesomeness lies in scenes that are allowed to breathe and just sit or in points being driven home through the repetition in the mundanity of these characters' lives. Because that's the other thing that's really terrific about it - it's not a re-tread of GOODFELLAS or CASINO; there's nothing remotely glamorous about this 'life' - Scorsese presents it as this 'working class stiff' gig where being the right-hand man to some of the most powerful crime figures and industry heads of the 50s, 60s, 70s, etc is really not all that higher up past being a truck driver in the same era.

The much-talked about de-ageing stuff on the actors is a little jarring at first (the first scene of DeNiro in his late 20s or something makes you squelch in your seat a little and think "Fuck, this is going to be bad isn't it?") but it settles in and gets much better as the timelines between character and actor shorten - the work on Pacino in particular is first rate.

The performances are across the board superb - DeNiro and Pacino in particular are so bloody brilliant here that it wakes you up to how fallow and shit they've been for so long. But really, this is Pesci's movie. He gives what is the performance of the year by turning in a really human, considered turn... and in the process circumnavigating the expectations that comes from having this particular actor in this particular genre with this particular director.

Not enough reviews talk about how extremely fuckin funny the movie is - and it is very laugh out loud funny with some of the lines and interactions (Pacino and Stephen Graham together are hilarious!) - and no words accurately describe how truly sad and surprisingly moving it is in the final stretch.

... I don't believe a single word of the source material it’s based on but it's resolutely not important to have to buy into the ('fake'?) memoir in order to appreciate the film adaptation as this massive, majestic piece of cinematic myth making - one that I genuinely can't wait to see again many times over the years!