#about this. where he's completely traumatized and gives up fighting because he thought he killed valeria

[mockerycrow]

Emergency Contact (1/2) (Ghost x GN!Reader)

>> emergency contact concept here << PART TWO HERE!!

Summary: Simon is your roommate, and you haven’t seen each other in months, considering Simon’s job. An unfamiliar number pops up on Simon’s phone, and answering it makes his world turn upside down.

A/N: How you two moved in together is very vaguely inspired this ghost fic right here. please give it a read! If you finish the song above, I highly recommend listening to the entire album while reading. i’m not the happiest with this, but i’m happy enough to post!

[WARNINGS: Blood and injury, traumatic events/trauma brought up, gore, little comfort, medical inaccuracies, tbh ooc simon but it’s ok.]

Eight months, thirteen days, and nine hours. That’s how long it’s been since he’s been home, since he’s seen you. That’s how long he’s been stuck on base, or thrown into a foreign country to complete some mission, or to gather some intel, or to kill someone, just somewhere, anywhere but with you.

Eight months, thirteen days, and nine hours. That’s how long it’s been since you softly asked him to stay as safe as he can, and to come back alive, and to come back with at least eight fingers. It was a running joke between you two, a way to relieve the terrifying reality of his job; as long as Simon came home alive and with majority of his fingers, he could consider it a job well done. You didn’t know much of his job, of course—only that he’s military, and he’s gone a lot. You already guessed it was a lot of classified stuff, probably down top secret government type of things. That did make you scared, though. You didn’t want the day to come, the day where people in fancy uniforms show up at your doorstep like you’re some widow. The thought of someone informing you of Simon’s death makes your stomach twist.

Eight months is admittedly a long time. Simon.. he missed you, but he’s rather die that verbally admit it, but he sure as hell felt it. He missed the way he could hear you walk through the house, the weight of the floorboards creaking up your feet. Simon missed walking by the bathroom and the air vaguely smelled your shampoo and body wash, a clear indicator you had just taken a shower. Simon missed the way you carelessly have your shoes next to the shoe rack, not even on it, and despite his annoyance of your laziness? He misses it every single time he’s away. He never really realizes the difference of living on base versus being home with you, and he’s comfortable in both environments for completely different reasons. Simon is comfortable with you because you’re safe, you aren’t associated with anyone he has to deal with on a near daily basis. You don’t scan the kitchen to see which household items could be potential bombs in the vicinity like he does. On base, Simon finds comfort in the familiarity of being constantly on alert, the need for a gun to be against his hip—it’s not the best, considering he’s in fight mode majority of the time, but it’s comforting. It’s familiar. It’s.. home, in a way.

You and Simon call at least once every three weeks—it’s not more because you’re both busy, you have your life to tend to while he has to do something like protecting an American Embassy, or sneaking into a compound to retrieve some vital information. You two talk about all kinds of things; you complain about the neighbors for the nth time, or you talk about your job, just something that he hasn’t heard about in a while. Simon.. he’s limited on what he can talk about—what he wants to talk about. It’s a bit difficult, keeping details of his job hidden away from you. He also keeps you hidden away from them; his team. Price vaguely is aware of your existence, but all he knows is your name and your phone number—someone to alert when he eventually would pass away.

It surprised Price when he requested access to his own file to make a change. Simon went for years without anyone in that section, leaving it blank—and then suddenly ‘[Name] [Last Name]’ is written down, along with your phone number. Simon doesn’t want to die somewhere and then you sit at home, dreading the fact that you haven’t received a call from him for over six months. Other than that, no one is aware of your existence and he wants to keep it that way. It keeps you safe, and he doesn’t want the one thing he has going in his life to be taken away from him—not like everything else has been.

No, you and Simon aren’t together. You just are the one constant he cannot allow to die. How you and Simon became close was rather funny, really—before you were roommates, you bumped into each other at the local stores, the bank, even several public spaces like parks and such. You didn’t see him too often and you weren’t aware on why, but you didn’t really wonder why either. By this point, you knew each other for a couple of months. He introduced himself as SR—not Ghost or Simon, but as SR. You didn’t bother to question it because this tall, bulky man seemed like he was trying keep himself as anonymous as possible. Without fail, you always saw him wear dark colored clothing that hid any identifiable markings—tattoos and scars, that kind of thing. He usually has his hood up with a black face mask covering his nose down, but you do know one thing—he has to have bright blonde hair. Why else would his beautiful eyelashes and eyebrows be that bright? It would catch your eye every time you’d see them. Sometimes you would see him with a beanie on and the mask, with his hood down. This wasn’t too often, as it exposed some scarring he has on the back of his neck, as well as his forehead. This also silently lead you to believe he has a tough past of some sort, which is confirmed when you run into him somewhere you never expected to—your therapist’s building. You bumped into him right outside, and you apologized profusely before looking and going silent as you made eye contact.

A silent agreement was made between you two that day, one that you could never put into words. Something in that moment that dragged you two closer together. You had been through some shit in your life, shit that had permanent effect on you, shit that you wanted to work through. It was horribly tiring, but you knew you needed to work through it—so you could live a life you felt was worth living. Simon, was on the other side of the spectrum. He didn’t want this. He never wanted to tell anyone about anything, but Price, Price fucking made him. Simon spends his days and nights plagued with nightmares and memories—he’s woken up in the middle of the night enough times to know that he needs help, but he was so adamant about not talking to anyone about it. But seeing you there? Someone who he hasn’t known for long, someone who had always greeted him with a smile on your face, laughter spilling from your beautiful vocal cords, and someone who doesn’t touch him without permission? It made him so angry and hopeless about this world. Not even you, a stranger who he sees as the best human being he’s known in a while—despite not knowing you for long—could escape from the cruel and sharp jaws of the world. You found out you two accidentally scheduled the same days, so it became an unspoken agreement to wait for the other outside of the building so you can both go in. Even when you weren’t sure when his next appointment would be, you’d be right outside of that building, waiting for him. You would always be right there, and that’s something he quickly learned.

You lost your house to a fire, everything went with the burning embers that raged inside of the 4 walls of your previous home, the structure collapsing in on itself. You had gotten out in time, and you numbly watched the fire roar, the crackling burning it’s memory in your ears. The piercing sound of different sirens were approaching, but all you could do is stand there with your phone in your hand, watching the home you worked so hard for burn to the foundation built years ago. You felt a hand on your shoulder, but you didn’t bother to turn to see who it was. Everything was going so slow, almost like a movie scene in the worst way possible. Your nostrils burned from the smell of burning wood, drywall, and installation. The hand squeezed your shoulder and you slowly looked at who it was—and was him. Simon. His eyebrows were furrowed, eyes ever so slightly panicked and it was obvious he was asking you something, but you didn’t hear him. All you could focus on was that he was here. You blinked rapidly as your eyes began to burn from the smoke and from that choked feeling going from your chest to your throat. “I..” You croak ever so slightly. You couldn’t hold it back—you quickly grabbed onto Simon desperately, letting out a heart-wrenching sob because you just lost everything you owned, every memory, every piece of furniture, everything.. but he was here. He was the only thing was wasn’t crumbling away from your grasp, the only constant. Once you clung to him, Simon’s senses were flooded with you. Fuck, your touch burned, just like everyone’s else’s but he liked—no, loved how it felt. Despite the image of a burning house in his wake making dread bubble in his gut, your sobs and touch were the only thing he could focus on. Simon hesitates for only a second before pulling you into his personal space, his arms wrapping around you and weighing heavily on your body. Neither of you spoke, he just let you scream into his chest and sob, your fists gently banging against his chest—the anger, the sadness, everything was too much. Simon knew exactly how you were feeling, so he didn’t mind the twinges of pain your hands produced. Simon was the one who helped you while you chatted with the paramedics and the police. He was the one who helped you find your words when you had none left to share, the smell of the smoke imprinted on your clothes.

Without question, Simon took you to his house. He did not have another bed set up, so he had you sleep in his room while he slept on his couch. He hated the hollow look your eyes held, the way you were delayed with your answers, the ways your hands shook. Your everlasting smile had dissipated into a wobbly frown and he.. Simon couldn’t handle it. He grabbed you some of his clothes and helped you into his bathroom, quietly telling you to take a shower. He’ll take care of your clothes. Simon left you alone, and you showered for a long time. He didn’t count, but it was over an hour and a half. Simon didn’t say anything about you possibly racking up his bill, how could he when you had just lost everything? He wanted to.. to help you, and he wasn’t sure why. Even when he found himself scrubbing your smoke and tar covered clothes in his kitchen sink, he couldn’t find an exact reason why he wanted to help you. Maybe it’s because you made him feel human when he needed to be, maybe you were the one thing that kept him coming back to this town, the one thing that kept him from completely pulling away from the civilian world. You had found him in a corner like a dog, lips curled back and snarling—sharp teeth clashing together, and without a word, you gave him reasons to trust you. Although they may not be.. normal reasons to the regular eye, but they were enough for Simon.

You’re enough for Simon. He scrubbed your clothes until his arms burned, and then some.

That’s when he found out that you too, were also someone who could not stay asleep for long. When Simon awoke with his adrenaline pumping from the muffled sound of vomiting, he had to calm himself down because he’s safe, and you’re safe, most of all. Simon isn’t sure when he began to think that way, but it’s one of the many things he’s decided to not question—which also new for him. Simon is man who demands answers, yet with you? it’s like everything naturally falls into place, which is why he doesn’t complain when your stay at his house—which you swore would only be until you gathered enough money for an apartment—turned from a two week stay, to Simon carrying in an IKEA bed frame to put and assemble in one of his empty rooms. Many sleepless nights came and went, and each and every one you spent them with each other, sitting by a windowsill together, other times spending it in the backyard and looking at the sky. Sometimes you would wake up first, sometimes it would be him. You somehow always knew when he had woken up from a nightmare, his heart pounding in his ears—until your hands grab his and squeeze, to ground him. You burn him, and he welcomes the tickle of your ever-glowing flame. A year into this arrangement, Simon finally shows you his face and he appreciates that you don’t look at him any different. He usually hates the searching eyes, trying to memorize every inch of his face—but he’s greedy when you do it. When your eyes roam over every scar and acne scar, when you point out his messily cut hair and half-assed shaven stubble, he doesnt get angry. Simon doesn’t feel suffocated by your glances. He doesn’t wear his mask at home anymore, not when you’re there.

Then Simon gets the notice about his three month leave ending soon; and he knows that you need to know about his job. Or at least, the bare minimum you need to know. In reality, it’s how much he wants you to know, but he doesn’t want to admit that. He sits you down one morning, a cup of tea in his hand and he had a mug of your favorite morning drink on the other side of the table he had bought a few weeks you started staying here. Simon explains that he has a job in the military, that he can’t tell you much, but it means he’s going to be gone for weeks, even months at a time. You’re at a loss at first, because who is going to have an extremely positive reaction to “by the way, I work an extremely dangerous job and I can’t tell you anything and I’ll be gone for a while.. Oh yeah, you likely won’t know if I die!”? Despite your initial reaction, you grow to be okay with this situation. Or, we’ll, as okay as you can be with it. You also find out that he was here for way longer than he originally is, due to his boss demanding him to take a break—AKA, “go to therapy you dafty”.

For a little over two years, you two fell into a good rhythm. A call every three weeks, him coming home and you becoming the safest space he’s ever had in his life.

Which is why when his personal cell phone begins to vibrate in his pocket during some fuck-all meeting, his eyebrows furrow. The number is unfamiliar, but the area code is not. Simon quietly excuses himself from the extended round table, taking his call outside of the meeting room. Price’s eyes follow his figure as he exits, noticing it’s his personal cell phone in his hand. Simon answers the call and presses his phone against his masked ear, muttering a low, “Hello?”

A high-pitched, soft yet serious voice filters through the speaker, a woman. “Hi, is this Mr. Riley?”

Simon pauses, and so does his heart. “Who’s asking?”

He honestly regrets asking that in the moment—one part of him genuinely wishes he never answered this call, and the other part of him is glad he did. “I’m a nurse from Northern Manchester Community Hospital, you’re written down as [Name]’s emergency contact. They’ve been a victim of a hit and run situation, sir. They’re alive, but they’re in the ICU.” The nausea that suddenly bubbles inside of his guys, the stomach acid mixed with whatever he had eaten previously, threatening to travel up his esophagus, burn every inch and then exit with a horrific sound. Simon’s head began to spin—he’s your emergency contact? A hit and run, you were fucking hit?? By what, a car? A pick-up? A semi? God, Simon has seen the most horrible, gruesome, fucked up shit you would ever see in his entire life, yet he isn’t sure if he can handle the image of you spread out in a hospital bed, with one too many tubes circulating around you. His mind plagues him with intrusive images, ones he never wants to actually see played out. Fuck, his head hurts. It feels like someone is physically shoving a knife into his chest and twisting it, like God is laughing at him and playing with Simon’s pain for his own gain. How could he not think that, especially with everything that has happened to him? His friends, his family? His old CO? The fucking abuse he endured??

It’s like Simon lost his hearing for a moment, because he cannot bare fucking losing you, too. There’s a vague ringing in his ears, almost like there was an explosion and he stood too close. And then suddenly every sound comes rushing back to his eardrums, and everything suddenly everything is so fucking overwhelming. “Mr. Riley?” The nurse calls over the phone, her tone laced with worry. He clears his throat and when he speaks, he sounds wrecked, which he fucking hates. “I.. I’ll come as soon as I can.” Simon hangs up, not giving the nurse a moment to speak. He drops his phone and if he doesn’t sit down, he’s going to fall over like a tree that’s been cut down. Simon lets out a shaky breath, trying to ignore the way his stomach is screaming and twisting as he puts a hand on the wall, and he crouches down. It’s the first time he doesn’t look around to see if anyone is watching his sudden display of emotion. When he’s suddenly rocked with the feeling of home at work, especially with the news that you’re fucking injured—he’s overwhelmed and twisted all over the place. Simon finds himself stumbling back to his barracks.

Price finds his way to him after Simon never returns to the meeting. He knocks on the door, but his knuckles pause before they can knock against the door for the third time as he discovers the door is open—which is very, very, odd. He slowly opens the door while calling for Ghost, and is met with the sight of Simon shoving some of his clothes and belongings into a duffle bag, as well as his military travel documents. “Ghost?” Price questions, who stopped in his doorway to watch Simon lose his mind while packing. Simon doesn’t respond as he practically rips his phone charger out of the wall and stuffs it into the bag, zipping it up. He slings it over his shoulder and he turns around, pausing when he sees Price. Simon’s eyes tell everything he’s feeling—that something’s happened, something bad, and he needs to leave. Price bites his lip and quietly exhales, his fingers rubbing at his chin. “I’ll approve your leave. Just shoot me a text of how long it needs to be, yeah?”

Simon makes sure to note to send Price a thank you of some sort, because within the next two hours, Simon is boarding a plane, heading for Manchester, wearing some black clothing, a jacket, a black face mask, gloves, and his beanie. The entire time, he could not stop thinking about you—and how you could possibly die before he got there to send off his final goodbyes. Is that something he would actually want to do, though? See you in the hospital, knowing it’ll be the last place you’d ever be alive in? Go home, see how you left the house exactly as you left it? A house, but without his home in it? Simon stares out the airplane window blankly, his hands curled into fists, and his nails would be digging into his palms if he didn’t have gloves on.

He couldn’t lose you. Not like this.

The next part for Simon, it’s a blur again. Got off the plane, got his luggage, provided documentation, blah blah blah—he didn’t give a fuck about any of it. His focus was you. He didn’t bother to stop home to drop his stuff off, he took an Uber straight to the hospital from the airport. It was a fairly expensive Uber too, but he could worry about the costs of everything later. It took another half hour to get there.

His heart began to hammer in his chest as the sight of the hospital’s signs began to pop up on the road, the anxiety taking hold in his stomach and his head begins to hurt again. Simon quietly thanks the driver, tips them, and exits the car with a swiftness once they pull up. Simon walks through the main entrance’s sliding doors, going up to the desk. A woman behind the counter hangs up the phone, murmuring a goodbye, and then she looks at Simon with her pretty blue eyes. “How can I help you, sir?” She murmurs sweetly, noting how anxious he is. She can see the sweat on his brow line. Simon clears his throat, his voice rumbling in his chest when he speaks. It takes everything in him to not yell at this innocent woman and get thrown out. “My.. My name is Mr. Riley, I was called ‘cause my friend is here,” Simon manages to push out. “[Name] [Last Name].” The woman turns to her computer and clicks the couple of buttons and types a couple of words and holy fuck, Simon just wants to go to your wing already—“Ah, yes, I see you’re listed as their emergency contact,” The woman grabs a sticky note and writes with a pink pen your room number and elevator floor, handing it to Simon. He barely gets a “thank you” out before he nearly jogs to the nearby elevator. Fourth floor, room 283. Fourth floor, room 283. Fourth floor, room 283—it’s the longest minute long elevator ride in his entire fucking life.

Simon changes face masks whilst facing the wall, and then he finds your room number—and his heart is beating out of his chest. There’s cops standing outside of your room who stop him from entering. Simon’s anger flares up so quickly, he nearly makes a scene until a doctor exits your room. She’s wearing her usual blue scrubs, her coat, and she’s dawning a N95 and some sterile gloves. She’s holding a clipboard. “Mr. Riley?” She questions, holding the clipboard close to her chest. Simon nods without hesitation, and she responds, “I’m sorry, but due to the nature of this case, you’ll have to provide some identification for me and these officers.”

Usually, Simon would hesitate—he gives anyone outside of his team the bare minimum, hell, he only introduced himself as SR until he knew you for a while. This time, he takes out his military ID and shows it to the officers. He ignores their looks of surprise, and ignores the murmurs that come from them. Simon puts his ID away and he holds back the urge to shove them out of the way as he glares down at the doctor on accident. “Come in,” The doctor opens the sliding door and steps into the hospital ICU room with him. Simon follows behind her and he immediately smells the sickening smell only the ICU gives off. There’s a small wall blocking his view from you that he hasn’t past, and he can already hear the machines working. A heart monitor, a ventilator, combined with other machines he doesn’t know too well. The doctor flips through the papers pinned to her clipboard. “They were hit by a vehicle of some sort, the scene suggested they were walking home from the local corner store. [Name] has multiple broken bones and fractures, a punctured lung, a fractured jaw and internal bleeding. They lost a lot of blood at the scene.” Simon doesn’t respond as he slowly walks forward, and he finally lays his eyes on you. It’s.. traumatizing, to say the least. You were never supposed to be in a hospital bed like this, hooked up to machines he can’t even name. He slowly walks over to you, dropping his duffel bag somewhere on the floor. He doesn’t care to look where. Simon barely pays attention to what the doctor is saying—his hands tremble as he stands by your side, his heart thumping harshly in his chest. Fuck.

He drags over one of the chairs next to your bed. Simon takes off one of his gloves slowly, and then he tears the other one off in a frenzy. He feels so unlike himself, so.. different.. human. He reaches over to your hand and his fingers grab your wrist, so gentle as if you’re glass. Simon presses his fingers against your pulse point, counting your heartbeats despite the monitor. The thumping under your skin makes it more.. real. Feeling you, your heartbeat, your warmth and your skin—it’s comforting. Simon clears his throat and fights the urge to vomit once a gain, watching your chest rise and fall, produced by the ventilator.

He moves his hand to intertwine with your fingers and he uses his other hand to feel your pulse. Simon closes his eyes, muttering the beats per minute under his breath.

At least you’re alive—you’re here, you’re alive, and you’re with him. And that’s all he asks for.

tags;; @alwaystired--neversleeping @handsomeunderwear-art @indefenseofkara @kaysav608 @1-is-loneliest-number @rosee-sensuelle @kitty-satan1 @k4marina @rahmown @royalty-purple @bowtruckleninja — if you are not tagged, it’s not allowing me :-)

[wikiangela]

Hi, a bit late but joining in on the @alliwantforchristmasislou project 🫶

I decided to donate to a polish organisation called the stonewall group (which is why the pic is in polish lol)

chose this one just because im the most familiar with this one, and they do amazing work in support of lgbt+ people and fighting for our rights in this... not so queer-friendly country 🫶

now, ive been in the 911 fandom for almost 4 years now (gonna be 4 in i think February), and i only started after the episode Buck actually bc it was allll over my dash. i binged the whole show in a week, before the next episode is even aired, I loved it SO much.

as most of y'all know, I initially shipped buddie - it was the big ship, ofc i did, i wrote so much fic for them and i had so much fun and met so many moots i still love seeing on my dash 🫶❤️ but it might've been obvious (or not, idk) i was kinda getting bored and losing enjoyment, more and more of my fics and snippets were focusing on other characters with buck or eddie, i wasnt really as into it anymore - but i still loved it and wanted to enjoy it (which ironically was killed dead later on by the buddie fandom itself lmao)

and then came bucktommy and everything changed. initially i tried not to give in but within a few days i had two fics and more ideas lol they completely took over my thoughts. ive never been this inspired to write, to create, I even learned how to make gifs for them (with lots of help from amazing talented friends 🫶🤣) during fall and winter I always get so depressed and sad and having very dark and depressing thoughts (last year my buck driving fic was a result of that lol), and its so hard to find motivation to do anything, even write. but this year, even tho I had a lil crisis moment, i wrote through it and im as inspired as always - i havent stopped writing since april. they're literally the most inspiring ship ever - and fun fact, usually i prefer writing about fanon ships, so this was a huge change and surprise

I always related to buck a lot, and especially once we got his bisexuality canon - checking out and appreciating hot people of the same sex and not realizing what it means is too real lol - and Tommy is so compelling and theres so much potential for so many stories there, I wish the show would do something interesting with him 😭 despite being so confident and cool, he feels like he's holding back some sad, maybe (probably) traumatic backstory that could be so good and interesting - and lou is such a good actor and itd be amazing to see more from him in this role

they wrote tommy as the perfect love interest for buck, and it was amazing to see it on screen, it was such a breath of fresh air to see this kind of queer representation on a network show, it was so gentle and adorable, and they initially handled it with so much care, and id love to see where they'd go from there 😭 the break up broke my heart not only because it happened, but because it felt ooc and abrupt and not at all like that's where the story was going. wish they'd fix it and give us tommy back 😭🙏

and lastly but most importantly - thanks to bucktommy, i met so many amazing friends ❤️😭 even when I was writing fics and interacting with mutuals on here, i was never really talking to a lot of mutuals, not for longer than a few messages, and now i got this wonderful community that i feel so comfortable in, everyone is so nice and friendly, and I love y'all so much, this is the best fandom experience ive ever had ❤️

thank you all, ive been having so much fun since april, i love y'all. here's to more bucktommy in 2025 ❤️

[atoriv-art]

What are your thoughts on Sasuke x Gaara

beautiful showstopping saved my life we love you sasugaa <333

ok to actually answer: i think they have a very compelling dynamic! i really really like their chunin exams era with gaara being weirdly obsessed with sasuke because they're both "damaged" to put it in some way!

i wish we got to see sasuke's opinion about it a little more, especially since it comes at a time where he's starting to come around to the idea of using his power to protect and not just kill itachi, but this "i relate to your pain and i need to make sure my pain (and to gaara, therefore my power) is still bigger and more powerful" dynamic is soooo fun to me as an introduction point between them! i find it a lot more compelling than what it got interrupted by 😅

i understand the value of having gaara see someone who is Literally just like him (ie also a jinchuriki), but imo having him deal with someone who he perceives as Emotionally just like him (ie traumatized, angry and lonely) was already excellent...

also!!!!!!!!!! i'm not a fan of how sasuke is characterized in the five kage summit in general (or rather how he's demonized by the framing of it all. i love a good public meltdown. his evil laugh lives in my brain) BUT i looooooooove the scene with gaara confronting him i was NOT expecting it when i was watching it the first time and it was like an angel smiled down upon me.

and and and (guy who gets to bring up the naruto games again) they do a fun reversal of their original dynamic there it in the ninja storm games, with sasuke being the one to flaunt his pain and power against gaara

LIKE SORRY I JUST THINK IT'S FUNNN!!!! they have a lot in common and deal with it similarly but when gaara's at his lowest sasuke's starting to get better, and that gets flipped later on: when gaara's figured himself out it's sasuke who's completely spiraling... hehehehe!

ok ill put the rest in a read-more. jesus

i get why the pairing isn't very popular (sasuke has like, two of the biggest pairings soaking up all of the fandom attention span alkdsmak) but i cannot standddd the weird consensus that they don't like each other 😭 gaara showed in that scene that he does still hold some amount of respect and empathy for sasuke, enough to offer him a helping hand when he was at his lowest, and sasuke himself was engaging in the conversation much as he disagreed with gaara... it's gaara who starts the fighting back up, not sasuke!

imo gaara's words to naruto later on that get twisted into a "girl dump him" speech (😒.) are obviously meant to serve as a warning to manage expectations, because he Knows his friend is still not going to give up on sasuke and might not even particularly want him to, but he's speaking from the kage angle as opposed to what he personally would want

gaara CRIED for sasuke and stopped the fighting specifically to talk to him for fuck's sake he doesn't HATE him, his siblings have to convince him to give up on trying to talk to him and there's a distinction made of what should be done as a kage. and while i have a thousand things to say about how i don't love how the manga handles its kage characters wrt framing them as Generally Good, i do think it's notable that it's this that makes him give it up

"personal feelings" meaning, his siblings can recognize that gaara doesn't fucking want to fight him and would really prefer to talk this out. I think about this a lot sorry KSMDKSMDK so much of the consensus is that gaara, specifically, can't stand sasuke and for WHAT.

and as a sidebar i think their insistence on calling e/o by their full names/titles ("Uchiha Sasuke" / "Gaara Of The Sand") is so fucking funny.

i know what you are. also:

sasuke engaging in battle banter. OPEN YOUR EYES

ANYWAY!

i actually think that of my "quirky" pairings (the sasugaaneji triad that is.) it's the one with the most canon basis and it's not even close. however it's also the one that i notice people engaging the least with ASKJDNSAKD which is obviously fine it's just a little funny to me

[md-confessions]

js a confession here and overall my thoughts about envy and other ships with N ever since day one, [not bashing any envy shippers! i support opinions but i also have mine.]

i ultimately believe nuzi is most healthiest ship because Uzi doesn't and never has and/or will neglect N. see, the thing with envy and J x N [i do not know the ship name, Jen is unfamiliar to me so im unsure if it's the actual name so i will just be saying J x N] is that both J AND V has treated N horribly. and N has every right to stand his ground and then move on. V has equally treated N the same way J did for as long as he could remember [for a while, at least until he got his memories back] and i mean - i'll get to why it still doesn't work out even after he regained his memories back.

but i mean, V mentions to Uzi in episode 4 about N having friends with rocks. he was lonely. in his eyes, V hardly cared. i believe he liked to believe she did, but based off his experiences, he was optimistic and loyal. he IS loyal to them, i do not think he'd after turn his back actually on J and V unless something drove him to some breaking point. other than that, he was completely lonely despite being kind to the both of them.

the thing with V is, she KNEW she was being a jerk. that was not the way to protect N from the past and what might happen in the future. the way to go was not pushing him away, and she realized this in episode 6 then died protecting him. [im sorry V fans but she literally saluted and did not visibly fight back or want to survive. i believe she's dead unless some kind of convenient clone finds her way back.]

see, the thing is nuzi is that Uzi includes N in about everything. she opens up to him and he supports her, so she does the same. he means the world to her, and the same goes for N. they help each other and their only fights was that time in episode 2 where they separated because Uzi was visibly traumatized and uncertain what was truly real and what wasn't and N decided to give her space. the time in episode 7 was because N had his loyal side come out again to who he thought was Tessa and he appeared to trust her and do his duties. Uzi saw this and thought N was going to hurt her because of Tessa, but again, a lot was happening at the moment and they couldn't process anything properly. V did just die, after all.

of course, they reunited and they embraced each other. they were happy to see each other and the two never "fought" other than that. V and J with N? ...not so much. they hurt him both emotionally and physically but man im sorry N is not stupid. not in the slightest. he is offered someone that genuinely loves him and supports all of his feelings along with opening up about their own and he has feelings for them too and you expect him to trust the people who have hurt him? it is unhealthy.

as for the time N, V and J worked at the manor, let's do a quick rundown because this is getting pretty long.

J is obviously not fond of N. N is not particularly interested either because, excuse me? she pushed him onto the floor and gave him a drawing in his book she knew he reads to kill himself? concerning to say the least.

as for him and V, she obviously had feelings for him as did he with her. but the thing is though, he remembers this but at the same time how V has went out of her way to knock him aside several times after the manor and when they're disassembly drones. i would not trust V fully either if i was in the same position as him. and clearly he seems to be in some relationship with Uzi. N was never in the wrong. V clearly and always was, sadly even from the start. her way of "protecting" him had several flaws and she knew it too.

anyhow, thanks for reading this essay lol luv this blog

⠀

[sirpuddingcup]

Before I get into it

SPOILERS FOR THE END AND THE DEATH VOLUME 3

Holy shit this book is great! It genuinely is everything I wanted and more. Volume 3 ties everything up so well that even though I knew the plot outline already just from lore it had me gripped from cover to cover. An emotional and bloody ending to the to the galaxy spanning series.

First off I really enjoyed getting the little updates on what some of the other players are doing while it all goes down. Bobby G and his endless strategy meetings as he tries to figure out how to get to Terra. Lorgar pulling a jonestown as he arrogantly misinterprets prophecies. Perturabo wallowing in self pity as he destroys his room like an angry teenager (the image of him pouting in his broken chair as the room lies devastated around him gives me life). Finally Eldrad and the others arguing over shoulda woulda coulda as they realize this is way worse than they thought. It was nice to check in with everyone before we dive into the trauma of it all.

Speaking of trauma let's talk about the black rage! We see sanguineous's mangled corpse in the lupercal court as the psychic shock sends the entire ninth legion (minus Zephon) into a berserk rage. I really can't think of a better word for it than traumatic. After all they've been through together during the siege to have the blood angels turn into actual monsters against their will is just twisting the knife for the loyalists. From Rans desperate fight for survival against a man he idolizes to Amit waking up dazed and confused at the end of a trail of corpses ("why do the bodys end here?" "That's as far as you got" kills me), it's safe to say nobody is having a good time.

Scratch that you know who is having a pretty good time? Rogal Dorn. Fresh out of the desert of endless boredom Rogal finally gets to let loose a little as he fights his way to Valdor. I love their dynamic and I wish we got more of them hanging out("damn you!"(frustrated) "damn you too."(affectionate)).

We check in with Fo and the genocide crew which ends predictably. I saw him completing the Terminus sanction then getting killed trying to escape a mile away. I did not see him making a fucking clone body and replace Xanthus! I love me a devious old scientist causing problems on purpose! I really hope he comes back in a big way.

The library crew didn't do a whole lot other than Ariman being a creepy magic man. It is buck wild that the archivist turned out to be Lilean Chase at the beginning of her career she goes on to found the fucking Cognitae so get it girl I guess.

The did my boy Loken so dirty in the end but fuck me was it good. They planted seeds earlier on talking about how a demon is made, a reaction in the warp to a traumatic event in real space, how in the warp effect can come before cause. But fuck me I wasn't expecting this. After the dust settles and Loken almost convinces Abaddon to give reconciliation a chance Erebus (fuck Erebus) stabs him in the back dooming the galaxy to endless civil war. And why did he do this? Because Samus is the man beside you, Samus right behind you, Samus is the guy she told you not to worry about, look out it's fucking Samus! The abrupt murder of Loken gives birth to the Demon Samus kicking all of this shit into motion. It truly is all Erebus's fault.

I saved the best for last. The showdown on the vengeful spirit. This is where Horus really gets tho shine. I haven't loved his character like this since the first couple of books. He's a fucking mess and I love it this is the man who's daddy issues burned the galaxy to the ground, and as someone who has a difficult relationship with my father fuck me I get it. Dan Abnet is so good at making fights feel intimate, Horus isn't a one dimensional avatar of evil hes a son confronting his abusive father. Horus doesn't want to kill his father he wants to be better than him, and not just stronger but a better person. He needs the Emperor to acknowledge that he had hurt Horus. Horus loved his father and wanted to reach out him on an emotional level so badly, but the Emperor was simply no longer able to do that. When the Emperor purged himself of the infant god the dark king his kindness and empathy went with it ( going on to create the star child). This emperor is nothing but power and cold fury. He enters the room having already written Horus off as dead. It's such a tragedy from top to bottom because we know from Malcador in his all knowing position on the golden throne, that there is a version of this confrontation where they both walk out alive. That does not happen.

The actual physical fight is nothing to write home about besides the fact that different people see it happening in different ways Dusk sees it as a clumsy slugfest between two lumbering giants while LE2 saw it as the greatest display of skill he had ever seen. In truth it was both. The psychic battle had them tossing each other across time and space and fighting through the sites of each other's greatest sins. They use the settings to try and undermine each other emotionally holy shit. Then the do the next logical step AND HAVE A FUCKING TAROT DECK YU-GI-OH DUEL! I need an imperial tarot card game right now GW take my fucking money. It ends with the cards predicting the fall of cadia (the despoiler unlocking the silver door) and the emperor loses. It has become obvious by this point that the Emperor can't beat Horus. Horus outclasses him in every way but Horus doesn't want to kill his father he wants acknowledgement. So what we get is several desperate attempts by the emperor and several others to fight back as Horus beats his father bloody. But nothing works until Oll and John show up having magically teleported much closer than they ment to. They stand right in front of Horus. Horus is bemused at best giving John just enough time to use the word he learned from the tower of Babel directly in Horus's smug face. The resulting blast nearly kills everyone in the room, but it's the first thing so far to actually damage Horus. While her recovers John makes a run for it but Oll goes to the Emperor gives him the athame (stone knife used to commit the first murder) and tries to wake him up. Only for Horus to wake up first and turn poor Oll to a fine red mist.

Finally Horus stands there triumphant and who is there but his own favorite son Loken. Loken is the only one who tries to reason with Horus to make him see the the chaos gods are using and manipulating him. It was a great touch to frame Horus pov in 2nd person as if someone is telling Horus his thoughts. Loken convinces Horus that he's not really in control anymore and the only way Horus can take back control is to give up the power that the gods gave him. The moment he does back on Terra Keeler uses the power of millions of praying souls to relight the astronomicon and and give the Emperor a font of power to tap into. The emperor rises as if from the dead. Horus at first tries to pull the power back but the gods hold onto it as punishment for spurning them. Then Horus looks at the Emperor empowered as an avatar of humanities faith and he finally understands. The gods panic and try to force their power back into him and Horus begs his father to kill him now while he can resist. Then it happens a father murders his son. The emperor tells Horus "I forgive you and I'll wait for you". Excuse me Dan Abnet what exactly does that mean? Horus returned? Ghost Horus? Reincarnated? What the fuck? From there it's mostly just wrapping up they teleport home and we get the last gasp of Malcador as they place the Emperor on the golden throne.

If you read this thank you this was mostly for me because I needed an outlet for my feelings and I don't want to bother my friends to much with Warhammer. It's been a wild ride and I can't wait to see where it goes from here (especially the third Bequin book).

[katvaramell]

And the last jumble of my JJK thoughts

Because JESUS CHRIST IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE

That’s how nanami dies???? After everything???? Just being disfigured by mahito??? And itadori has to watch it after dealing with all the sukuna shit 😭

This poor little boy is 15!!!!! And now he has to deal with this and mahito is just a little shit with no emotional intelligence at all

The music during the fight between mahito and itadori is so silly I thought it was a very good opposite to the fight with choso. A lot of people think the fight with choso is the best one in shibuya, but I actually thought the one with mahito was much more compelling to watch. Even though the techniques and the mood of the choso fight were very very interesting. The best one in the arc for me has to be the sukuna fight just because of the animation of the the techniques

Now kugasaki dies as well???? Give itadori a break please he’s already so traumatized 😭😭 especially after he was so glad to know that he’s not alone, when her attack resonated through mahito

I’m glad todo found him so he’s not alone, but I hope jujutsu high has a therapist on staff for afterwards

And todos necklace having a photo of takada and itadori I can’t that’s so cute 😭 idk what it is about itadori that just makes ppl want to be his brother but it’s a much needed bit of fun. Also very smart of him to clap with Mahitos hand but if this boy dies as well im rioting

The end of the fight between itadori and mahito is a true masterpiece

I don’t know why they’re suddenly in the snow, but my guess is that that is itadoris domain. It was so thrilling to see the bunnies and wolves, especially once the white wolf with the same wound in his face as itadori turned up. The calm in itadori, finally being able to fulfill his promise. I also liked that there wasn’t really any music in the background and then the sudden geto reveal was actually surprising!

I’m quite disappointed that fake geto interrupted itadori killing mahito. Even though it may have worsened itadoris mental state it would have helped mine. And it’s nice that mahito got absorbed because it’s a fuck you to him, but it’s really really bad because now fake geto has transfiguration :((

And I think it’s so fucking funny that itadori gives off some kind of connection that makes ppl want to be his brother 😭 but very intriguing that it’s possible that choso and him are really brothers through the brain thingy. Maybe it possessed one of itadoris parents at the time, we never got to know them. Very very curious to see where that storyline goes

Am I understanding that right that literally everything is going to shit now? Just curses everywhere and complete global break down? At least Yuta is back 😔 and rika is as well???? I am very confused

I love that Yuta and yuki are allies absolutely cunt duo

Itadori cut off toges arms???? 😭😭😭 noooo pookie already has enough trauma from sukuna we don’t need that as well and poor toge hes just a lil guy 😭😭😭

AND NOW THEYRE DECLARING GOJO A CRIMINAL???? What’s that for????????? And helping him is a crime????? I am SO CONFUSED

I mean I already thought that the leaders of jujutsu society were corrupt but Jesus fucking Christ this is another level

And now they’re sentencing the principal to death??? For what? Letting two gays have a break up?

And Yuta as itadoris official executioner? I’m rioting

And what is going on in that last scene with itadori clapping and then huge curses jumping out of the water??? Give me the manga right now I need answers 😭

[rooviebae]

"Papa is here"

Oneshot/short story: Akaza loses control and unintentionally attacks a little girl due to her unique blood. He is overwhelmed with guilt after realizing what he has done and decides to comfort her till her dying breath.

Warnings: Murder

Word Count: 799 words

Akaza was at a loss for words as a powerful scent surged to his nose, causing a flood of thoughts to race through his mind. The smell was incredible, and he didn't know what more to say about it except that he wanted it.

So he runs on, past the towering tree, in search of that one human who possessed that blood. He was gradually being overtaken by the scent as he ran faster, but he made no attempt to fight back. He was that desperate for it. He didn't care if other demons smelled it as well; he'll fight them if necessary.

The stronger the stench grows, the more control he loses over himself, and when he nearly completely loses control, he becomes concerned. He's too late to fight back, and now he must witness himself killing a human in a more violent method than he usually does. That thought didn't actually bother him; what bothered him was who the blood belonged to.

What if it was a female?

Practically, not killing women was his obligation. Although he can't recall the reason, he understood it had to do with his existence as a human and refused to consume or kill them. He originally hated the idea of being a human, but that doesn't give him the right to abuse women in violation of his values. Yes, he understands that it will make him stronger, maybe stronger than Douma, the Upper Moon two, but the idea of consuming girls to obtain strength didn't sit well with him. He has lived for more than a century and has never killed a woman.

However, when he finally spotted a human and swung his fist, his heart shattered and he regained control of his body. He remains still over the young girl, who is approximately six or seven years old, and his breathing becomes irregular. His fingers start to twitch as an odd sensation develops in his chest.

It was regret.

He never imagined that he would experience it in his lifetime. But now, when he looks down at the dying girl, he can't help but feel it. Although she was still alive, he was afraid that she wouldn't recover. Should he turn her into a demon? Muzan might kill her if he does. That's not what he wants.

Having no idea what to do, he simply gazed at her. Her eyes slowly open, and tears build up in them. Her feet and fingers began to quiver, and her breathing was almost as irregular as his. She tried to get up but couldn't. She simply gave up because the pain was so excruciating. Akaza takes a hesitant step back as he keeps reliving what he did in his head. He was traumatized.

"Papa..."

When Akaza hears her faint, weak voice, he stops in place and his eyes expand even more. She was staring up at the sky, where her body was facing, and the tears that had been building up began to overflow and pour down. "I want papa." Akaza was never the type of guy to give a damn about such things. In fact, if a guy stated it, regardless of his age, he would have probably ignored him and left. This was drastically different, and he was hurt.

"I want papa." She repeats, using the same hushed, weak voice as before. Akaza slowly bends to his knees as his chest starts to burn. He rests one hand on top of her head and wipes her tears with the other. Her sparkling eyes now turn to him, and he opens his mouth to speak to her.

"Papa is here..."

His voice was as hushed as hers, and he tried to comfort her by smiling affectionately at her. The girl's eyes are somewhat more full than before, and she draws a hesitant breath in. "I want a hug from papa..." Akaza nods in response to her plea, his chest burning. Slowly lowering himself even lower, he raises her upper body by sliding one arm beneath her. He doesn't hesitate to hug her after that.

She exhaled her final breath just as Akaza was about to let go of the tender embrace, which caused his arms to briefly shake. That still hurt even though he knew it would happen. He wished he could go back in time and stop himself before she died as a result of him, all because he lost control over her blood.

He refuses to eat her.

Instead, he returns with her to his dojo and buries her there next to his home. He has to see her every night... He doesn't know how long he needs to wait for her to be reincarnated in this world before he can make amends, but he'll wait.

Because she's daddy's daughter.

Rules

Send Requests

[sayakxmi]

[Magi reread] Night 74: Something Sublime

Bro, my heart is not ready. But let's go.

1 - I was like "man, Cassim's just living his worst life ever, and then my brain was like, yeah, that's kinda the point..."

2 - Once again, Cassim contributed to Alibaba living that kind of life. And "you [...] wanted to lead a legitimate life" is bullshit. Alibaba had offered to help Cassim & his troupe, it was Cassim who told him not to. And Alibaba listened. But it's not like Alibaba's been actually all that concerned about staying pure and shit.

It's a huge theme for Alibaba, tbh, just people assuming things about him. I'm especially thinking aboout Cassim and Hakuryuu, but you could probably add Sinbad if you really wanted. They have this idea of Alibaba, who is a pure and naive child, and they look down on him, and in hindsight, it makes sense that there's envy involved. Why were they treated differently by fate? Why was it Alibaba who was allowed to remain innocent? This happy-go-lucky idiot? They really delude themselves into believing all that stuff, too lost in their self-hatred and despair to actually confront the reality of them being just plainly fucking wrong about it.

A small reminder that this is something that happens not that long after Cassim had killed his father, and, yeah, I know I kinda criticize the guy a lot, but I can't fully blame him. At least for the feelings. Like, yeah, no shit he needed Alibaba to stay that pure child, a beam of light, Alibaba and Mariam, really. If they were gone, if the world destroyed that light, then what was the point of that world in the first place? It was just awful, end of story. Why keep living in it?

Whether either of them had realized that, Alibaba was giving Cassim hope, especially after Anise and Mariam had died. Hope that there were still good things in this world.

But just as he needed Alibaba to remian that innocent child, he also needed Alibaba to fall. He needed him to fall, because he fell, and if Alibaba went through the same hell as he did but didn't turn out like him, then that means... Cassim could've, too. It meant Cassim was right to hate himself, that there was always something wrong with him.

And he created that narrative in his head to justify giving up on himself. It was easier, after all, than to keep trying over and over again.

But you know who kept trying? Alibaba. Cassim thinks the slums (or any other tragedies in his life) didn't influence him in any way, but that's wrong. Alibaba is extremely insecure & he hates himself, too, but not to the point of giving up completely.

But at the same time, Cassim isn't completely wrong. Fate set him up for failure by giving him that scum of a father, who abused him until he disappeared, while Alibaba had a loving mother who kept him safe. Cassim was severly traumatized, and it was something that never healed. He was a fucking child.

Like, bro, I have so many thoughts about it all, I just struggle to convey it right now. It's such a mess that cannot be perceived as good-vs-evil dilema, bc it's not. It's too complicated for that. You can see where everybody's coming from, and even though you can't condone Cassim's actions,you can at least understand why it happened. What led him to that place. And you can't fucking blame Alibaba for not doing more, because he was a goddamn child, too.

Two victims of circumstances, too young for any of this and living in a world that just didn't care about them. It was always going to end in tragedy.

It is unfair. It's extremely, extremely unfair.

Fucking sick. Cassim's feelings are just that overhelming.

I've already said it. But Cassim's perspective on things is just like that.

And by GOD it's fucking cathartic to se Alibaba fight back. Because

That's exactly what it is. Cassim just assuming things about Alibaba, and then getting mad about it. It'd be different if he was actually mad at Alibaba, but he isn't. He's mad at his image of him, and Alibaba has every right to be furious. Especially right now, after hearing all that cruel shit, and after all the other things Cassim had done to him. To realize that all of this happened not becaues there was something wrong with him, but because Cassim had put him on some weird pedestal he also wanted to throw him off of. Like, bro.

This looks kind of funny, ngl.

I can't fucking believe I'm already starting to tear up. Idk man, just look at Cassim's face when Alibaba says there's no need for that between them. It's like his anger is evaporating.

And all it does is leave soul-deep exhaustion.

This fucking imagery. God.

Bro

I was busy being sad, but my brain decided to point out that it looks like Alibaba is eating himself. I just can't.

So, uh, fun fact, since I worked out my issues with dissociation, it turns out I tear up pretty damn easily.

Anyway, I'm fucking just

Bro, I can't do this man. And also, Alibaba isn't stupid, he's actually pretty damn perceptive, but he just doesn't always... do much about it. Admitting it and confronting... It's horrifying. After all if he admits it, he risks their already shaky friendship, he also risks outing himself as "too different". He never belongs anywhere, too royal for the slums, and too much of a slum kid for the royalty. No place accepts him fully, and he knows it, at least on some level, so he clings to what he can even if it means running away from the issue. Becaues he can't risk it. He hates being alone.

I know I've made this point several times, but tbh, it's such a intrinsic part of who Alibaba is that it just keeps on being relevant.

Back to depression k

Bro. You can't fucking do this to me. Sorrowful as shit.

Yeah. And, like, there's nothing wrong with being different. That's just how it is.

This what could've been always gets me, but I'll give the anime props when it's deserved, bc I feel like it hits harder.

Idk man, I just. I always end up crying for this dumb bitch

[unohanabbygirl]

An angsty au of fmbh where Aemond is compelled by Otto and Alicent to play the role of the bride once Luke says he’ll be downing that moon tea like it’s water. After a decade they’re fed up with Aemond’s lack of progress in seducing Luke, so they decide to take an absolutely horrible avenue and force Aemond to lie with the only Strong they have in league with them: Larys. Otto and Alicent are so convinced Luke is a Strong that they want to ensure Aemond’s bastard shares DNA with him. To say the least, it’s an extremely traumatic event for Aemond to experience this assault and it’s even worse for him when he falls pregnant. Luke has no choice but to accept Aemond’s pregnancy. While he does think Aemond has cheated, he never imagines it’s with a man nor does he imagine Aemond would ever disgrace himself with carrying a bastard. He has no choice but to believe the babe resulted from a night of drunken coupling. Everything falls apart when the baby is born and his hair is a dark red, the color of Lyonel Strong’s second wife and Larys’ mother. There is no denying that this is not Luke’s child and Aemond completely breaks down

Oh anon, you’re killing me here 😭

This is everything, I’m telling you. And the worst part is that I can see it all so clearly. Aemond going along with it because he’s always been his mother and grandfathers piece to move about the chest board as they please. He has such hero worship when it comes to his mother; she’s his rock, the only person who’s ever understood him even a little. To not go through with this would not only equate to being a failure but letting her down.

Being with a man of any sort that way but especially Larys is such a sickening thought that Aemond sees no choice but to get himself drunk because he knows he’d probably end up beating the man and running off as soon as he moves to touch him down there otherwise. Alicent gives him advice (not good advice but as a woman whose only experience with sex is being assaulted in her marriage bed she’s doing what she feels will help her son survive during.) Tells him to use oil beforehand because Larys won’t care to excite him, close his eyes and think of fond memories, and remain as silent as possible as to not over-excited Larys because he’ll likely begin to be rough at the sound of any moans. Aemond goes into this like a soldier preparing for war and it’s heartbreaking.

When he goes back to Diftmark Luke can already sense something is wrong with his husband…very wrong. Aemond looks like a ghost, pale white yet green in the cheeks. It’s so awful that Luke moves to touch his forehead to see if he’s coming down with fever but is immediately pushed away. Every time he tries to talk or initiate contact Aemond either yells or physically shoves him out of the way. At first he thought this was because he got into another fight with Aegon or maybe even Jace since he’s been in Kings Landing at their moms side for a few years, but three weeks down the line when Aemond announces he’s pregnant everything starts to come together.

At this point Aemond just found out himself but lies and says he’s known for a few weeks just to excuse his odd behavior.

He doesn’t look like someone who’s just found out they’re soon to have a child in Luke’s eyes. Not even every woman in his life has been over the moon to announce something like this to their loved ones. But he understands soon enough— Aemond likely feels out of place, wrong. Aemond is a masculine man through and through, there’s no doubt being pregnant is fucking with his head. So despite never having wanted children with his uncle Luke promises to be the perfect father and best husband he can in the face of their differences.

The pregnancy is hell to say the least. Aemond’s always crying, hiding himself away and having nightmares of that night with Larys. Not even Alicent can get through to him most of the time despite Luke having called her to remain with them for as long as Aemond would like.

Luke is attentive, always kind and never arguing back when Aemond tries to start something. Insists on honoring every food craving and making sure new cloaks and dress shirts are tailored to fit Aemond through the months even though Alicent thinks her son should dress similarly to Luke now that he’s so far along.

Then the day comes; both families are present and drowning in bad tension while waiting. Things are going smoothly (kinda) when Aemond can be heard screaming “no” and “it’s not right” Luke is the first to barge into the birthing chambers, stopping in his tracks when he catches Aemond failing about while the maester holds their red headed blue eyed baby boy. It all clicks then— Aemond’s behavior, the fact that he’d even gotten pregnant at all when Luke couldn’t remember the supposed night of conception. Something horrible happened, and now a child has been forced into it.

What surprises Aemond the most isn’t that the child has been born looking nothing like he should’ve, but that Luke takes hold of him with a smile smile before announcing that they’ve made the most beautiful being in the world. Bouncing the baby as he admits that he’s always thought Alicent’s hair was pretty, now their son has inherited it.

Aemond can only cry.

[mejaydee]

✨How I’d fix Magic the Gathering: March of the Machines Main Storyline✨

So to start, I’d like to be clear that I LOVED this story. I was absolutely giddy reading it throughout, but because of that it’s been on my mind, and so I want to share my only two big problems with it and how I’d address them (SPOILERS AHEAD BTW in case that wasn’t obvious)

1: The use of Chandra

Chandra didn’t do enough. And I’m not talking about after they got to Realmbreaker, I’m talking about everything before it.

What she did do, I loved. Her connecting to Wrenn was beautiful, and Wrenn as sort of a bridge between Nissa and Chandra as both tree and flame was great. Fantastic interactions all around.

But the only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing she thought about was Nissa. And it’s obvious why, but it led to her not being capable of anything other than thinking about Nissa. She’s either thinking about Nissa or thinking about not wanting to think about Nissa. When Koth or Urabrask mentions “the elf”, she gets agitated, but why? She was already on her mind, and it takes up a significant amount of time that could be filled with even minor battles.

<b>Solution:</b> her attempts at pushing Nissa out of her mind work (mostly). She’ll still feel constantly anxious, uncomfortable, unsettled, but she’ll lie to herself. Justify it by saying “of course I’m anxious, I’m fighting the Phyrexians.” So when the Resistance mentions the elf, it <i>really</i> discomforts her.

And in that big moment, where Nissa shows up directly in front of her as depicted in “Traumatic Revelation”, it’ll be both much more traumatic and much more of a revelation. The truth can’t be ignored anymore, can’t be pushed aside. It’s standing right in front of her now, and it’s even more justification that she wasn’t prepared for it, and why she completely froze. She <i>knew</i> she wouldn’t have to see Nissa like this. Because she fooled herself.

Thematically, as “Hope’s Beacon”, giving her more time up front to be a powerhouse clearing out small fry would let us get a feeling of that hope. The Mirrans see a burning sun clearing the way with ease, and think that with her, maybe they really can do this.

And when it’s revealed that Norn was prepared, that it was all a trap, that Nissa was there, and their shining beacon dims and quivers, they’ll all feel the dread that they had hidden until that moment.

As it is, Chandra is a lady that showed up proud and feisty, barely does anything, and then gets completely handled by Nissa.

2: The Ending

I think it’s pretty obviously annoying that out of the seven compleated planeswalkers, only one of them had a really confirmed and “satisfying” death, and it was in a side story, and it was Lukka, and let’s be honest, who gives a shit about Lukka.

We thought they may have learned their lesson after the backlash of War of the Spark, where again, after all the hype, not much changed, and nobody was satisfied. Emotional stakes are important to engaging storytelling, and repeatedly subverting them will do nothing but teach us all not to care any more. Especially in this case, since it <i>seemed</i> pretty obvious that phyresis and compleation were irreversible, only for that to have been retroactively taken away. All that time you spent thinking, “who will it be next? Will my favorite characters be taken?” is now null. It wouldn’t have mattered if they were or had been. It would have been undone in a couple paragraphs at the end anyway.

<b>Solution:</b> let ‘em die (or at least most of them). Some of them can be easily fixed without even retconning.

Lukka: again, he’s the one that did really bite it (or got bitten, technically). Good.

Tamiyo: her real body was killed, but she had left behind a “story” of herself, basically a hologram clone. Not bad to be honest, if it is <i>temporary</i>. If it allows Nashi to get his closure, then it’s great. Let it be a small program, and let it fade away to memory as all stories do. The current ending of her and Nashi coming home implies that she’s just gonna still be there? But she has all her memories and such? So basically it’s the equivalent of just losing her spark. Let her die.

But also side note, Nashi should have ignited his spark in grief, but that’s my own wishes coming through. Just doesn’t make sense to me that in a multiversal flesh abomination invasion only ONE character ignited their spark.

Nahiri: SEEMS like she died, but NO BODY NO PROOF and I don’t trust Wizards to stick to it if they feel like dredging up old characters in a couple years. Unless the aftermath shows her limp body crushed under the Skyclave, I’m not satisfied. Let her die.

Jace and Vraska: I loved the story they had within Vraska’s little mind bubble, even if a lot of it when they were together was just a makeout sesh. That’s straight up good actually, and I like it a lot. That should have been it. Let their real bodies be fought and defeated, and killed. Let their minds live in what feels like an eternity together, and let their true selves be happy as their false forms are destroyed. Let them live their dreams together, and let them die together.

Ajani: let him die. The realest stakes we had in this story was Ajani. His being a sleeper agent was the hit that hurt the most, especially to himself. His “death” was tragic, and was what more than anything fueled Elspeth in this final journey. He was the connection between all of them, and his death would truly mean something. If it wasn’t miraculously reversed. Let him die.

Finally, Nissa: let her live? I’m actually okay with them curing ONE (1) of them. It lets them explore what it would be like for someone to live after what had happened to them, and if any, it should be Nissa. Obviously, as the pure elf with nature powers, being an unnatural being that still has synthetic parts would be a great contrast for her to live with. Also, WotC finally grew the balls to have queer characters in the story explicitly, and having the infamous “I like big manly men” fiasco only be followed by the death of her real love interest before it was canonized would be infuriating.

It didn’t really make sense to me why Karn and Melissa were able to revive both of them anyway. A spark for a spark, a life for a life. How’d they stretch two out of that deal?

Thanks for TEDing to my come talk.

[vermutandherring]

Warning: This article contains images of violence and blood.

The first part of the review: ORIGINS The third part of the review: WHERE ART IS HIDDEN

There are small spoilers that do not reveal the plot of the game, but only separately highlight certain moments in the game.

This is the second part of my review on Vampyr, in which I talk about the plot and its construction.

Due to russia's attacks, the time to use electricity is getting shorter. It deprives me of both writing time and inspiration (greetings from Ukraine). Anyway, someone tagged my previous Vampyr review as a long read. I know it's a little too much for Tumblr, but sometimes I feel like if I don't dissect a game I've played, these thoughts will eat away at my brain. So this is the second of 3 parts dedicated to Vampyr, namely to its plot.

At the first immersion in the game, which occurs even at the stage of reading the annotation, the plot may seem a bit dry. Doctor Jonathan Reid returns from the war to quarantined London, overflowing with mass graves of citizens who died from the Spanish flu. Now, trying on a new role as a vampire, he must investigate the causes of the spread of the disease and find out what happened to him on the way home. To do this, having enlisted the support of the vampire Lady Ashbury and Dr. Swansea, Jonathan will have to fight against vampire aristocrats, devout vampire hunters and his own nature torn by contradictions.

If you remove all the vampire fleur, the plot will resemble novels with stories about loan sharks, lawyers, bureaucracy, promissory notes and securities, dragged by the smog of industrial cities of the XIX century. In addition, in the center of the story is a military doctor (doesn't it remind you of anything?), that is, a representative of a whole 'broken generation' that saw human cruelty in all its manifestations on the battlefields of the First World War. If you want to imagine the state of people at that time just for a second, look at the works of the artist Otto Dix, who went through this hell himself. Or spend one evening on Twitter, browsing posts with the Ukraine tag. By this I mean that the protagonist of Vampyr is a traumatized character with some issues. More precisely, it could be like that. But back to the in-game story.

I like the approach to plot selection. It is not simply included in the chronological framework of the era, but is closely related to the real events of the covered period of time. Because of this, even the main character himself seems like a historical figure, which led me to read about blood transfusions and when this method was actually discovered. Answering this question, blood transfusion was invented long before 1918, and is used by Stoker as a way to save the bloodless Lucy. And the very decision to make a vampire a doctor, tying the plot on it, is truly brilliant. This duality of Jonathan's new nature presents the player with a dilemma from the start: to allow the protagonist to honorably keep the Hippocratic Oath while grasping for scraps of humanity, or to place its remains on the altar for the sake of achieving the goal at any cost.

It is worth saying right away that the first option is more difficult. Quenching your thirst (i.e. killing characters) will give Jonathan a lot of experience which you can use to improve your vampire skills and level up. But with each life taken, Dr. Reid will become less and less like himself. Saving the lives of potential victims will not benefit you in itself. To do this, you will have to spend on quests, the completion of which will give you the desired experience points. But don't take it as a boring burden. The tasks from the townspeople are mostly interesting and what is most important - reveal not only their characters, but also Jonathan's vampiric side.

In the previous part, I already mentioned the restraining power of morality, borrowed from Christianity through the lens of Stoker. But the writer uses morality on the contrary, as a driving force, as an idea that drives the characters to save a dear person and cleanse the world of Dracula. In Vampyr, morality seems like a safety net, keeping you as Jonathan from making a mistake. Often, in attempts to 'solve the problem' of another character, I stopped at the question: do I have the right to this? Does Jonathan have the right to take away mortal life and give eternal life? Do I have the authority to judge the rightness of someone's actions when I am the one who does evil? After all, Jonathan is an ordinary vampire, not a deity. And it's not just my guilty conscience. Your acquaintances tell you about it to your face, or these messages slip through the dialogues themselves. And even if you want to play a good doctor, you should remember that everyone has their own definition of good. My first decisions in the game were terrible, although I believed that I was doing the right thing and in good conscience, satisfying all sides of the conflict. As we know, you can't please everyone.

But do not perceive your choice as a mistake, and its consequences as a bad ending. After all, life is about choices and their consequences. In the game you do not have the opportunity to return to a certain point and roll everything back. The plot of the game and the story of the main character flow like life, which cannot be begged to be given another chance. But you can always look back to think about how to fix mistakes. Depending on the chosen path, taking into account all your decisions and summing up the amount of blood drunk, the game will reward you as you deserve. This is much more than I could expect from a game of this caliber.

Returning to the main character, our Doctor Reid is not deprived of 'exclusivity syndrome'. Before the events of the game, Jonathan was already known in scientific circles as a skilled doctor and surgeon. In the world of medicine, he is a superstar, as the very first chapter of the game makes us understand. And it is on these stellar shoulders with an exceptional mindset that the sweet gift of vampirism and the heavy burden of saving the homeland falls.

On the one hand, I am somewhat annoyed by the concept of 'exclusivity' of the character. Think how many titles you have in Skyrim that are mutually exclusive, not to mention that you are humanity's last hope for salvation. Think of all the games you've played - in most of them, your main character almost changes the fate of the entire universe. For no apparent reason, just because. The first to change this concept for me was Cyberpunk 2077. Although you are fighting global evil in the form of corporations and their expansion, your 'avatar' is a small cog that has a chance to remain the same at the end of the game (I say this because I got the most stupid ending). But Vampyr approaches this question in a balanced way. The plot quite logically explains why the superstar-surgeon-vampire-champion Jonathan is the chosen one to save England and why only he can do it. As I said in the first part of my review, the game will definitely answer this question at the end. And the answer rests on one of the pillars of the game - science.

The already mentioned concept of the character's dualistic nature and the connection of the plot to the real events of the past allow the game to stand firmly on its feet. This allows you to combine various aspects of the game layout into a single logical whole. First of all, we have a fairly 'realistic' reason for the development of events, supported by historical facts. In Vampyr disease doesn't just hinder our progress toward the truth. It is part of the truth that the player must reach. The beginning gives a rather vague explanation of what is happening. Against this background, the behavior of people also seems strange, because it is not completely clear whether they are aware of the existence of vampires. The game does not go into excessively fantastic explanations of what is happening. But it leaves them a little far from our understanding, as the idea of primitive people about the state of things in the world. It makes one feel as if such a thing really happened, and the ambiguity of the explanation of the phenomenon of vampirism is as much a logical fallacy as the logical gaps in the Bible (I still consider myself a believer).

Secondly, the detective style of the story is a good motivation for completing the plot. Jonathan's professional experience allows him to draw rational conclusions to match his meticulous mind. And oh wonder! This is not inconsistent with the fact that we have a story about vampires here. Thirdly, the attempt to give the story realism is also followed in the attempts of the developers to explain some minor game moments. Can you shoot a gun? Even the small revolver that Jonathan uses weighs not so little. Besides, it is not enough just to be able to pull the trigger. You have to know how to aim and consider the return. The average doctor hardly knows all these subtleties. But in the hands of Jonathan, a doctor who went through the war, the weapon does not cause dissonance. At least a firearm…

Influenza is also an explanation for why Jonathan wanders around at night and asks the people of London why they themselves are not sitting at home at night. This is an insignificant detail that should not be paid attention to at all. But the game tries to remain rational until the end.

From all of the above, it may seem that in terms of plot, everything in the game is perfect from start to finish. But it is not quite so. Let's go back to the first paragraph, where I argued that Jonathan is a representative of the war-traumatized generation. In fact, the game squeezes very little out of it. Only in a few dialogues does Dr. Reid mention this experience. We also see some of his flashbacks, which present the protagonist as a dedicated doctor, ready to go to the end. In this case, the arc of the character, which can turn Jonathan into a bloodthirsty beast with your good will, seems somewhat illogical. How can a person who has seen oceans of blood, seas of human tears and their suffering come down the path of a ruthless monster? He is either subconsciously a maniac or a weak-willed person, although his military experience proves otherwise.

Also, as I mentioned in the first part of the review, Jonathan has very progressive views at the time. He does not look like a haughty nobleman and treats all patients equally; he supports the emancipation of women and respects them; does not condemn same-sex or interracial relationships. Today, after years of struggle, all of the above is normal. For the beginning of the XX century, this is a little too much. I'm not saying it's implausible and destroys Jonathan as a character. But he is too perfect a man, whom I personally did not dare to destroy with the curse of vampirism. Maybe that Marty Stu effect smooths the plot a bit. Regardless of the path he chooses, Jonathan still goes through his character arc. You either overcome the thirst, keeping everything human in you, or you allow the new nature to consume you.

In this part of the review, I tried to explain why Vampyr has a really interesting and original plot, which among all modern works about vampires could be a kind of classic. It has a great premise, good motivation for the main character, moderately gothic and fantasy, but at the same time not overloaded with magical silliness. The narrative is neat and logical, and most importantly, interesting, full of drama and poetry (more on that in the next chapter). The story of the game allows you to develop your own vision of the character's story, bringing it to a predetermined ending.

Looking at the game on Steam or the Wiki page, you will see reviews about the mediocrity of the game, the weakness of the combat system, the heavily modified original source, out-of-place face animations, weak graphics and, of course, bugs, lags and freezes. Because of this, I deliberately avoid some boyish view of the game, focused on leveling and crafting, on digging to the smallest detail and complaining about 58 FPS instead of 60. I want to say that each game in terms of content's depth outweighs some quantitative indicators and I advise you to take a game (at least Vampyr) first and foremost as a work of art, not a battery-operated doll. In art criticism, you will not find a five-point rating scale for a painting or a rating of the best sculptors. After all, each work is unique, and in order to prove why it is bad or good, you need to qualitatively analyze its "means of expression". This time, I laid out the plot of the game on the shelves (at least for myself). In the next part, I will try to find something about the visual component, a little about the drama and, of course, the music, in order to finally reveal the essence of this game.

I wrote the review in a hurry, trying to make it to the next power outage. I apologize for all the mistakes, circumlocutions and perhaps not very clear constructions of sentences.

[amplifyme]

S2 AND BEYOND WORDS, BEYOND SILENCE ARE COMPLETE!

(Disclaimer: this is looooooooooooong and probably riddled with grammar errors; but I've chugged down a few eps. and a book, so I'm not as bothered about those as I probably should be. ;)) )

Okay, so, in a weird way, these episodes were the most straight-forward for me in S2 (probably because of our discussions and Nan's excellent writing as a primer.) Not too many thoughts that are "new", but definitely some worth sharing and chewing over with you.

The Hollow Men: Cameron and Dale, what an introduction-- interesting that Dale, though he has less direct taste for it, seems to be affirming Cameron's quest for happiness by spearheading opportunities for him to kill (usually, dark eyebrow murderers are the "strong" ones in the dynamic while their blond friends are the loose link-- which they both are, but not completely.) The girls, bless their hearts. Joe warning Cathy about her lack of proof. Vincent, traumatized and avenging, trailing the boys like a shadow (he waits for them in the darkness)--and this time leading danger back to Cathy instead of the other way around (although... Cathy, you didn't learn your lesson again. Antagonism and blatant threats will do you no favors, especially when you give away a lot of your cards without anything in your back pocket to protect yourself.) The showdown in the theatre (CATHY), and Vincent taking a shot and powering through it, so different than that time in The Outsiders. The dull and boring and disconnected rich parents; and their shameless flaunting of their connections, power, and privilege.

What Rough Beast: Hated Spirko the moment I saw him. Paracelsus his cigarette reveal, and the lengths he will go is both impressive and a little amusing (and fascinating in its scope.) STEVEN'S BACK-- you baited his return; and seeing him and hearing his own twisted version of events was excellently worked into the episode. CATHY FINALLY WONDERED IF SHE WAS RESPONSIBLE AND FATHER DIDN'T ANSWER. Listening to the music Below is back. And, of course, Elliot's back; both in person and in impersonation. Vincent and Father's conversation about what Vincent is (and Father's uncertainty here is juxtaposed perfectly to "his" unabashed certainty in a certain climactic moment in the next episode) and setting up his "educated the man" for the finale when they discussed how books were all that kept Vincent from falling off the ledge all those years ago. "Father, I cannot control my thoughts. Father, I'm afraid"-- powerful stuff. Cathy believes Elliot is in the wrong the ONE TIME that he's in the clear (and her "we are beyond" statement-- including herself in the "otherness" that is Vincent-- is touching and disjointed, because she has only ever embraced the parts of him that are "human"... which she says as much in the finale to Peter after the blood analysis.) Spirko having the gall to still publish his evidence after Vincent spared him from death and Cathy tried to reason with him (also... JUST SWIPE HIS EVIDENCE AWAY BEFORE HE CAN LEAVE. I understand Vincent was too wiped, but I'm sure he could summon something up or Cathy could put up more resistance.) Cathy choosing to say goodbye rather than fighting for their romance is... huge and frustrating and makes me look even more forward to Diana in S3. (Which reminds me of Nan's AWTN where Diana spent weeks down Below with Vincent in the maze-- and more times before and after-- without batting an eye for him. Makes me ponder, makes me think thoughts.) Paracelsus merked Spirko, whoop whoop! Vincent staring into the abyss in his dark room is FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORESHADOOOOOOOOOOWING, and a great eerie cap to this episode.

Ceremony of Innocence: Full disclosure-- I knew Vincent/Paracelsus/Anna's backstory from Nan's work and even the twist of Paracelsus's death, but this episode was so well-acted I got confused and doubted myself. Excellent. The opening shot of Vincent is so, so eerie (picking up from the prev ep's close, I see.) Cathy's nightmare-- a lot to unpack: "He’s an animal-- what does that make you?” is probably why Cathy resists that aspect of Vincent the most, because their bond is a reflection of each other (Vincent staring at his reflection in the lake while her nightmare plays out, for instance) and more particularly, she fears, a reflection of herself. And horror and ugliness is something she broke down and shied away from in the first episode, the voodoo episode (which was a missed opportunity for Vincent's Otherness to be explored, a shame in retrospect), Trial, and this ep (directly opposite, I might add, to Diana's low self-esteem and "who cares?" attitude to her looks and "ugliness" in general-- I assume.) Nan tackles and "tames" that aspect of Cathy at the end of Beyond Words, Beyond Silence and in AWTN in Kansas... but I have to wonder: I don't think Cathy truly, fully loved Vincent as a whole before the finale (because there was always a part that held her back unless everyone else held back from Vincent too, which summoned her "call to action" or stubborn insistence of his humanity.) Father's "It's been a wonderful... dream" followed by Vincent's "No Father-- this is my tomb" certainly set up for the aborted plans George R. R. Martin had for S3, as did Vincent's wandering the catacombs for answers (twisted in death, as Narcissa calls it.) Cathy's lack of poker face continues, as does Joe and Elliot's endless supply of understanding and patience. Elliot exercising important brain cells by hiring a private detective saved everyone but Vincent in the end. Vincent "moping" around the tunnels while Father digs up old treasures and poems and literature to steer his mind off his troubles sets up perfectly for their conversation in the finale (about his past fugues.) Mouse's "he needs Catherine" practicality opposed to Father's longwinded rationalizations further emphasize how tied everyone's hands are. Paracelsus inviting Father to 666 (you dramatic man you) and challenging Father to fire a gun in the light (oh, the drama) and overpowering him and leaving him for dead while he goes to "release" his son from the imprisonment of civilized humanity was a great crescendo (not to mention the subtle hints of sending Vincent on a paranoid quest for more answers and asking the community for weapons and flawlessly transitioning from acting like "Father" to pressuring like Paracelsus.) Cathy was right-- that it was a lie-- but that's not what he needed reassurance about: what if it did, what would she do? Vincent's cruel birth story, scaring Cathy and sending her away, Cathy leaving but ultimately wanting to make Paracelsus pay and inadvertently saving Father (and leading Father back down), and the two arriving in time to see the aftereffects in Father's study. "You and Father-- you wouldn't admit the truth even if it stood right in front of you" is both right and very wrong: Cathy will deny it in the name of love, but Father does love if not embrace or accept fully that side of his son. Vincent driven to madness (to the Other, really, which at this point is pretty equivalent) and then dulled to near catatonic responses is the heavily necessary outcome. (A touch here that Nan added in BWBS was excellent and wrenching, will chat about it below.)

The Rest Is Silence: Vincent losing command over himself and running his body to the limit and sweating and tearing himself apart trying to contain the Other was fantastic to watch. Waking in the park, getting around Mary (who cannot read subtext for the life of her) to get to Father and his comfort and guidance, and pouring at his desperation and fear was an excellent way to start. Father's fear of Vincent's loosening grip (for his son and secondarily for everyone's safety) and steady reassurance added so much throughout, especially Vincent almost lashed out again: so similar to but completely different from the drugged scene in S1, Father showed no fear (as he had not then nor in the past with Lisa); and just exemplifies how much love and care and faith he has in his son and their relationship. They mentioned restraints again (one other time, I think) and Nan's written about the incident a little more clearly in her flashbacks, but I don't believe? I've heard the characters talk extensively about Vincent's previous incident (when he separated the Other from himself after injuring Pascal's wrist); so, maybe S3? Seeing the world through Vincent's eyes as he worsens was also fantastic; and Cathy did excellently herself this episode, asking him what she can do rather than pressing for impossible details, demanding more thorough answers from Father the right way, and keeping by Vincent's side when he broke into her apartment (kept chuckling because I remembered Nan's Diana laughing how he broke into Cathy's and out of hers.) Cathy's a very elemental and nostalgic person; and I wonder if her "flying" with Vivaldi was a reference (indirectly) to her memory of climbing the trees in the park while her father watched (or it could just be in-character, like her soaking in the sea or wanting to take Vincent to the mountains, or climbing a tree to reconnect with her dead father, etc.) Vincent so strung out that he talked out loud, snapped about Paracelsus, tried to insist the worst was behind them, tore his room apart, and rushed to and "attacked" Cathy's apartment in an irrational haze was excellent; but it kept getting better and better during his fever and "hallucinations" and the Other's hovering (now I know visually what Nan meant when she captured Buster's hovering and insistence) and Cathy's help and his progression to the bed and his waking better to watch the sun go down. Also, Vincent's finally in her apartment and for more than one day (noticed you had me take particular note of that so I've been waiting for that moment to happen.) I almost didn't notice how important Vincent's "love" was until BWBS (so thank you, Nan, for bringing that more thoroughly to my attention); but I did notice how he didn't directly agree to Cathy's request. And, of course, things are not better. Samantha and her book, wounding some members to get out, collapsing into Father's arms and sending him off, saying goodbye to everyone and leaving before he and Cathy return (what a moving scene-- they all love him in their own ways), and fleeing below the catacombs to potentially die in the attempt to master or free himself (a literal descent into darkness) was the cherry on top. Mouse following Vincent anyway made me want to cheer; and Pascal keeping up with him on the pipes made me want to cheer even more. Father staying back while Cathy insists on descending, too, sets up that puzzling little dichotomy: I believe Father loves Vincent more "completely" as he acknowledges all aspects of his son; but I believe Cathy loves Vincent more deeply? sacrificially? because she does not fear Vincent in his Other form, determined to believe he will never harm her. Beauty's love killing and then rescuing the Beast make a full circle here; and I'm glad the writers at least had a closed arc (in a way) before the restrictions for S3 upended the show (though not in a bad or worse way. Excited to dig into it~.)

On a separate note: I'm not in the habit of making everything about The X-Files, but I can see why a fan fresh off BATB would be drawn to this other show. Mulder and Scully had that near-instant connection between them that transcended words, social norms and expectations, and both of their fixed perspectives or parameters. But I think Mulder and Scully succeeded where Vincent and Cathy failed because they disproved, together, Father's assessment which Peter quoted to Cathy: "Maybe Jacob was right: when you go beyond definitions, scientific knowledge can only break down." The breakdown, or the hitch, was in the lack of complete acceptance.

And now,

Beyond Words, Beyond Silence: Nan ties these episodes together brilliantly. She also captures Cathy sooooooooooo well, building more on her self-doubt than the little bits of cursory examination we were given ("In telling her what he believed, he'd also been telling her what she desperately wanted to hear - that their relationship existed on a different plane from anything she'd ever known"-- I CALLED IT. Proud of myself.) Fleshing out Paracelsus's thoughts and linking in Vincent's waxing and waning confidence in himself and his relationship with Cathy (if it should continue or not) ties directly back to AWTN and her other book that I can't for the life of me remember right now; and it makes me giddy to see the throughlines (including the children and swimming, the Other and the cave-- both wanting that undivided, appraising attention.) Vincent's poem tying to back to Cathy and his fervency in tearing apart his room, breaking into her place, and driving himself into a fever until she quoted the poem back was superb. Again, Nan dug deep with Cathy; and these are a few powerful quotes that I couldn't pass up on: building on Cathy's toxic past relationships and tying it to her current pattern of behavior-- "...love that gave, and gave, and asked for nothing in return, she need never fear any physical aggression - from him or anybody else. A strong inducement to be oblivious"-- paired perfectly with "Absurd to imagine Vincent hurting anyone he loved.... Those were only dreams and had nothing to do with her and Vincent" and "Now she wondered if she'd been right to discount the unfitting things. If refusing to acknowledge all the anomalies - the number and scope of them! - she'd been dismissing the forest to see only the one preferred tree.... But they weren't deformities: they were Vincent. Maybe even the most of Vincent." Nan gives Cathy an arc where she marries her loyalty to both aspects of Vincent; but I shall have to wait for confirmation, denial, or nothing at all in S3 (I hope it's touched on a little); and giving Cathy the chance to explore that unfairness she expected or took for granted in her relationship with Vincent was refreshing and gave me another, brief glimpse what a functioning, healthier relationship between these two would have looked like.

As a final note, when Vincent speaks with shame about parts of himself and Cathy assures him those parts aren't him, I wondered how that would sound if he were a normal man with a comparable struggle; and the quickest comparison that I could think of-- though clumsy-- was mental illness. I'm mostly ignorant on this topic, so pardon my thoughts if they're too off target; but I sat wondering how it would feel if he were in the midst of a mental health crisis with everyone treating him like he needs to be "fixed", with restraints or with their love. And the shame and closed-in aloneness of that experience seems comparable in a few degrees, though of course you can't factor in his primal nature. Cathy's grand gestures of sweeping dismissal in the name of "this" not being "him" hits pretty close, as it would be denying an aspect of who Vincent is by pretending it can be weathered and then ignored-- and more tragic, because it would be spoken through well-meaning ignorance.

FINGERS CROSSED I miiiiiiiiiiiiiight? be able to squeeze in S3 Ep 1 (had lots of free time today~); but we'll see. Do you recommend I watch episode 1 separate or immediately follow it up immediately with episode 2?

I'm going to go ahead and chop this discussion up into separate posts just to to help me keep things straight in my own head. I'll dig into The Hollow Men here and then address the trilogy and BW,BS in posts of their own.

Follow me down...

Vincent, traumatized and avenging, trailing the boys like a shadow (he waits for them in the darkness)--and this time leading danger back to Cathy instead of the other way around

That was an interesting little twist, wasn't it? In hindsight it's another sign that all is not well with Vincent, and hasn't been in some time. Because if he'd been thinking clearly, he would have been able to think several steps ahead and glean that his actions might put Cathy in danger. And he would never willingly do that.

I completely understand his feelings of disgust, anger, and helplessness at the actions of these two kids. I have no problem rationalizing his desire to take matters into his own hands, and I thought his lecture to Father about the connection that exists between the two worlds was spot-on and something Father needed to be reminded of. But having said that, there seems to be a disconnect in Vincent here, when it comes to the risk to himself and the risks his actions may pose to others. And that's not at all like him. He's acting rather like Cathy here, jumping straight into the fray without thought of the consequences.

The showdown in the theatre (CATHY), and Vincent taking a shot and powering through it, so different than that time in The Outsiders.

Oh, Cathy; dear, dumb Cathy. Whatever possessed you to take the word of a person you don't know and duck into a dark, deserted theater when you know you have two killers on your tail? Oh, wait, I forgot. You also have very large, very strong, fanged and clawed protector at your literal beck and call.

Vincent is so done with everything by the end of this episode. I feel worse for him than I did at the end of The Outsiders. His "Nothing but madness, nothing but blood. When will it end?" is so heartbreaking because I know what's coming. And I kind of think he does, too.

Okay, gonna start another post for What Rough Beast. Stay tuned.

[deadendtracks]

Lizzie and Tommy: Ruby's Death, part 5

So, why does he leave? Why doesn't he stay and sit with Lizzie?

First, there's something Freddie said about him in s1: "He likes to take his fights onto the mud. Doesn't like to stand and wait." This isn't really about impatience; it's about survival. It's also one of his primary ways of channeling fear and anxiety -- go on the offense against your enemy. Of course, his enemy this time is an illness, so it comes off as completely irrational for him to do what he does.

There's a lot you could write about why Tommy reacts this way in general, but I'll leave it there.

Second, there's what happened with Greta. I've written about this before, but when Greta died, Tommy sat by her for three months. In his last experience with TB, it took months to kill the person he loved. So most likely, he thinks he has months with Ruby; a few days while he strikes out to try his 'something else' isn't going to be much time away from that. I really don't think he believes Ruby will die as quickly as she does; TB is pretty notorious for a long lingering death. So when he leaves, it's not with the intent or knowledge that he's abandoning Lizzie to watch their daughter die without him.

Lizzie of course reacts with betrayal and rage and sorrow when this is in fact what happens -- that's very natural. At the same time, it's not the objective truth about what he did. He didn't knowingly leave her there to watch their daughter die on her own! That was the result, and that's horrific both for Lizzie and for him, but it's clearly not what he thought would happen, and that's important to keep in mind if you want to understand what's going on.

The other part about Greta is that watching someone you love take 3 months to die of TB is traumatic. It had an impact on him. I believe this is a big part of why he can't just sit by Ruby's bedside; he's already done this, he's already gone through this, it was terrible. He most likely felt very helpless, and all of that would come back to him when he's faced with it happening again. Trauma would make him desperate to avoid re-experiencing this with his daughter. He has no control over the medical treatment so he trusts the doctors to give that a try; but he cannot sit there if there is any possibility that there is another answer. That the answer is irrational to the audience or Lizzie doesn't mean it's not a real feeling to Tommy.

So he doesn't leave in order to betray Lizzie or because he thinks Ruby will immanently die; he's clearly convinced he'll be back before that point. It's unclear just how long he's gone, but I don't think it's more than a couple of days.

While he's gone, Lizzie expresses her frustration to Ada. I'll quote the whole thing because it's important:

In truth it's a blessing he's not around at the hospital, because all he wants to do is fight people and blame himself, and I've never felt so ashamed of him, Christ, because right now I need a normal man.

Not a normal man, your brother. He's up in the mountains with fucking horse thieves and sorcerers while I'm here on my own. Not a normal man.

Again, Lizzie's reaction is very understandable. But I think the way she expresses it is intimately linked with Tommy's traumatic reactions. All he wants to do is fight people and blame himself - which directly refers to his PTSD reaction at the hospital. And she says she's never been more ashamed of him. There's a direct link between this and the scene at the start of the season, where she calls him a coward for trying to kill himself.

Lizzie has had to deal with alot since they've been married, because she married someone deeply traumatized and mentally ill, with no support or understanding for either of them. Her reaction to things that are out of his control and due to trauma and PTSD is harsh and judgmental. I think you really need to look objectively at what she says and what it means, while at the same time maintaining empathy for her and the situation she's in. I'm not saying she's a bad person for this reaction; but it's not an objective one, and she takes his inability to be what she needs very personally.

Not a normal man. This is not something Tommy is doing *to* Lizzie! And I think a lot of interpretations seem to look at it through Lizzie's POV and see it as Tommy rejecting her, rejecting his appropriate role as husband, etc.

There's another bit here that has to do with bigotry: he's up in the mountains with fucking horse thieves and sorcerers. She's referring to Esme and the other Romani people, who are Tommy's people. She doesn't understand why he would go looking for some superstitious folk cure or whatever she thinks he's doing, and she pairs it with feeling abandoned by him.

So the not a normal man thing isn't just about his inability to be untraumatized, it's also about the culture he grew up with. Tommy himself has a lot of internalized issues (the way he talks about Ruby learning to steal by playing with Johnny Dogs' family, for example). But these are people he's related to, the culture he comes from, and the reason behind a lot of the bigotry he's experienced.

Lizzie voicing her frustration this way is a little ugly, is what I'm trying to say. And again, I'm not looking to condemn her as a villain in the situation or feed the Grace vs. Lizzie wars, just trying to look at her objectively. Lizzie can lash out in ways that are cruel. This doesn't mean there aren't valid reasons why she feels upset.

The point is she's ashamed of him freaking out in public, she's ashamed of his blaming himself for everything, she's most likely ashamed of his suicide attempt, and she's ashamed he seems to be falling back on what she sees as irrational superstition rather than staying with her at Ruby's bedside. Like a normal man would do.

[aikoiya]

YES!!! Say it louder for the dumbasses in the back!

Like, do I like it when a villain gets a redemption arc? Absolutely!

But a key part of that is the villain acknowledging that they did wrong & not only others holding them accountable, but themselves holding themselves accountable!

As much as I love Steven Universe, I hate that Rose is seen so badly while the rest of the Diamonds are forgiven & don't have to face any real consequences!

Admittedly, I think that part of the reason why they had to get away with it was because they were too powerful to realistically be punished. But that doesn't mean that I like it!

And dear heavens, DO NOT get me started with effing Undertale! I will effing rant for so long about the sheer hypocrisy of the message until I get a freaking headache!

Now, I love Asgore, but it's because I understand what the motivation was. I understand that the call to genocide was a grief reaction & then he kept it up, not because he wanted to, but to give his people hope.

Does that make it okay? HELL NO!!

But I get it & the reason why I am so willing to forgive him despite the absolutely heinous crime he committed. Despite the fact that he is basically a serial killer & a planned terrorist.

Is because he admits outright, fully, & completely that it was wrong & apologizes. And in certain endings, even backs it up.

If you do a neutral run & kill Flowey, if you go back & fight Asgore again, he literally offers up his soul so that Frisk can leave the Underground.

When you fight him, he is straight to the point & incredibly solemn.

Everything about him tells me that this choice to do what he did? He did not want to do it. That he legitimately believed that it was the only way to free his people & as the king, it fell upon his shoulders to do everything he could for them. Because that was his responsibility.

Yet, he does not pretend that it is some good thing, he acknowledges that it was a necessary evil that he would not have done if he saw any other way around it.

And he holds himself accountable for his actions.

Now, that doesn't mean that I'm okay that he got away scot free! In all honesty, I'd prefer it if not only him, but every monster that called for genocide & who tried to kill Frisk, I wish that they'd all been tried in a court of law for the attempted genocide that they planned. That they all be found guilty & subsequently jailed.

And they make sure that each & every one of them are under no illusions about why that is.

But they aren't.

All of the blame is put solely upon Asgore & that isn't right. The rest range from complicit, to conspirators, to attempted murderers, if not outright murderers themselves!

Yet none of them are held accountable!

The fact that they conspired to kill children & later to commit genocide is never acknowledged. They just get their happily ever after.

Not once do they acknowledge that what they were doing, what they planned to do, was wrong!

And very few times is it brought up in the fandom just how horrifying this experience must've been for Frisk! How traumatizing it must've been!

Man, the thought of dying is terrifying FOR ADULTS & this poor kid is living it constantly on repeat!

Where are the fics focusing on the existential dread of Frisk's existence? What about the fics going into the nuance of their behavior where someone notices trauma bonding & abuse victim behavior & extreme PTSD??

At the very least, Steven Universe acknowledges that the things that Homeworld & the Diamonds did & were planning to do, were evil.

Undertale just sweeps that shit under the rug for the sake of a happy ending.

This is why I am willing to forgive Steven Universe, because the fact that what they did being wrong wasn't ignored. I am also able to acknowledge that there was no reliable way to punish them as the Diamonds are the literal top of the food chain with no one above them, so the only real way to stop them is to find some way to shatter them, which as far as anyone knows in the show, is not possible. Or to rehabilitate them.

I don't like it, but it was the only real, viable option available to them given the information available.

However, I can't forgive Undertale for its bs pacifistic platitudes about how kids shouldn't be allowed to defend themselves against people trying to kill them & use their soul to kill all humans. A game that paint the monsters as "good" & never let's its characters take accountability for their actions.

One thing I do not like about Steven Universe, is the continued wailing that PD's name took.

Yes, she did a butt-load of bad things, but what a lot of people are forgetting is that the series starts with her at her best & ends on seeing her at her worst. That those terrible things took place thousands of years ago & that she'd changed in that time.

That she genuinely regretted her actions & did damn near everything in her power to make up for it within her understanding at the time. FOR 6,000 YEARS!!!

Do I think that she should've told the Crystal Gems the truth herself, especially before it got so twisted?

Yes, absolutely!

But I also understand that she was very messed up in the head & was doing the best she could at the time.

That doesn't make it okay, but I understand it.

So, really, I'm more so upset at the fans for demonizing her while letting the actual genocidal maniacs off!

this was originally targeted at blizzard but you know what? forgetting the importance of narrative in grey morality seems to have become a trend.

also i don’t know how to tilt the text in ms paint send help

[skycapt4in]

WHO THE HELL IS CHARLIE?

If you've been around this blog for a while, you've probably seen me name drop some Earthling from Noah's universe known as Charlie. Charlie is.. one of the main protagonists would be the best way to describe his role overall.

Charlie's story and path do not really intermingle or coincide with Noah's, each time they've met have been through sheer chance. Noah doesn't really affect Charlie's life, and the fucker is too far away for Charlie to meddle in his.. actually, he could.

To rip the bandaid off immediately, Charlie is a reality warper. Another thing you may have seen me talk about is that how everyone from Earth who has a superpower, has that power because at some point in their ancesterol bloodline, someone made a deal or gained a blessing from the gods. Charlie comes from a bloodline that did not make a deal or get a blessing from the gods. He should not have a power, nobody in his family has a power.

It's a whole thing... It'd take me a whole trilogy series to explain what happened and how the fuck this guy got the most powerful trick you can get. The tl:dr of it is that a god, unbeknownst to Charlie, bestowed a blessing upon him when he was in his later teens and that blessing quickly turned and evolved into Charlie's reality warping ability. But! The rule is that your bloodline has very similar powers, you generally wouldn't be able to handle having a power that doesn't fit with the god who your blood is tied too. ( an example is that noah's biological brother also has a funny luck ability, he can alter people's bad luck! ) Giving a guy from a non-blessed bloodline a brand new godlike ability had some.. disasterous effects.

He almost completely erased his friends and loved ones from existence one time because that bastard of a god from before, had Charlie and his friends go up against a big, ancient cosmic horror and Charlie rightfully so, freaked the fuck out when he saw one of his romantic partners get killed. The fight cost him his friends and it cost his friends some of their memories and even their very existence. Charlie thinks he blocked the memory of this event out because he can't remember it ever happening, but everyone keeps telling him it did.

At the current point in his story, Charlie's once again learning to accept his curse, but it's not really for the best reason: He's going to fight that last old god, because if it wasn't for Petyr's meddling, Charlie would be living happily, powerless somewhere, with his beloved Belle and dear handsome Olls. But no, they really don't trust him now and he's traumatized from something he only really thought was a bad dream... and he's actually facing jail time for unauthorized suse of his reality warping powers ( powers that he had no idea he had until he had his freakout btw ). Buddy's life is a mess right now.

But, all that aside, Charlie is still one of the best people in the story, he never lost his heart of gold or his want to help people, he's a brave lil guy doing his best in this cruel, harsh world where gods just single you out for no real coherent reason.

Noah met him a few times before he got access to his powers, and it was the third meeting that would ultimately lead to Noah being.. imprisoned and forced to work for a different group of 'superheroes' the next time he was visiting Earth, but Charlie didn't and doesn't know that happened to Noah, and Noah isn't going to admit that someone was able to catch him.

They met after Charlie's freakout too, Noah was one of the first people to find him afterwards, our spaceman having no idea that his new shorter friend was why everyone was freaking out and the news was shouting about a potential end of days. But he found Charlie clearly distraught and scared and tried to get him to come back to Shi'p so they could talk in private about what was bothering the guy, and to get Shi'p to run a medical test or two on him, but Charlie adamently refused and they just spent the night talking about.. nothing honestly.

Seeing how freaked out Charlie was actually caused Noah to stick around longer than he'd intended too because he wasn't about to let a friend be alone at a time like this. So eventually Noah was able to get the whole scoop, Charlie told him about his time as a hero, about his friends, his partners, his new powers and the Big Uh-Oh. After hearing that none of this would've happened if a god didn't meddle with an innocent man's life like it was nothing, Noah.. went on a rant that kinda-sorta inspired Charlie to.. kill that god. ( At this point in the story, Charlie is still dealing with the whole 'trying not to go to jail over something he had no control over' so hopefully he won't actually go and fight Petyr.. but the little fucker is just about as impulsive as the spaceman so I cannot say for sure that it's just an idea he has. ) Noah said he'd help him out if it comes to that. But they're good friends, they don't see each other much but when they do they just go out fishing or Charlie teaches the spaceman something new and different about Earth

And right now in the actual story, Noah's on Earth but he's hanging out with that group of people who captured him then forced him to work for them. He's planning on stealing something from them if you're wondering, he's on this weird mission to turn Cryon into a habitable place again and the Mountain Archives have plenty of things that can help with that.. He still hasn't been back to Cryon though so idk how the hell he's going to do that.

[pupine]

as much as i love her im sort of terrified to visit her again. it’ll only be for 15-ish days but what if something happens again? the closer i get to the day of my flight the more memories come back to me about how she treated me. (vent-ish rant below)

i still can never forget the time when we did live up there together for those 6 months and had that fight. she never listens to my boundaries and gets pissy with me when i react explosively to her blatantly crossing lines i can never emphasize clearer. i was a “disrespectful brat” because i bit her in self defence JUST to get away when she held me to the ground in a HEADLOCK all because i got overwhelmed while she kept following me around trying to provoke an argument?? i was repeating “i do not want to talk please leave me alone” but IM the one who acted out improperly??

throughout my childhood i could never completely find comfort in her because not only did she physically abuse me but i was just terrified of her. i remember telling her about how i was genuinely scared of her and it was always “i’ve never done anything to you! theres nothing to be scared of” but she completely disregards the physical abuse she did to me because it was “just simple discipline” and “nothing else worked on you”

it was just another day to her but every day she insulted me and berated me with arguments and snappy remarks only to come to my room after everything cools down to emotionally manipulate me with some “you still love me right? i’m your mother and i make mistakes too” but NOTHING EVER CHANGED. i remember ALL OF IT. she did it AGAIN AND AGAIN.

the morning after my failed attempt was such a stressful day. i went to her for comfort. i went to her looking for help because i was beyond unstable and needed my mother to comfort me. i told her blankly “i just tried to kill myself” and what does she say?? “i don’t believe you” YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME? YOU. DON’T. BELIEVE. ME. with her blatant actual refusal of that traumatic event it pushed me right into a panic attack, where she proceeded to call me a “overdramatic brat” while i was crying, my entire body giving out and falling to the ground. she believes me now because me going up to see her is because i was suicidal and i need to be around her, but she has never properly apologized to me about that day, even refuses to talk about it. i’m probably going to mention that to her when i get up there because it has bothered me so much for YEARS.

she completely up and left me with my dad who i was terrified of for more than half of my life and STILL don’t trust just so she can go and get a better job and live with her husband miles away making me feel like i was just a burden to her. in the proceed of getting what SHE wanted she took away my dog, my home, my main support (her) and put me in a apartment alone with a man i thought would rape me when i was 9 because of some incredibly predatory shit he said TO MY FACE. to his own DAUGHTER. my life was fucking ruined because she didn’t want to wait just two more years for me to get out of school for her to completely leave my life.

my entire childhood i was babying HER. i was the one comforting HER. after every argument she had with my step-dad i would go out and hug her. i would stay with her while she cried and i would listen to her complain and vent to me. my ENTIRE CHILDHOOD was me making sure SHE was okay before myself. i didn’t deserve that. i can’t believe there are so many times where i had to get out of bed, head downstairs and literally emotionally guilt trip my parents into stopping their yelling and arguments just so i could sleep peacefully. she disregards so much of my trauma because to her it was just another day, to me it was my life.

i just hope to god this trip goes okay because im NOT ready to get molested by a small town neighbour again! was not fun!