#about people complaining about some ‘you guys’ monolith

[year2000electronics]

people whose posts where they’re bitching and complaining accidentally get into tag searches because tumblrs tag system is stupid and will drag every mention of a tag onto that tag’s search: i forgive you. and i love you. your post made me mad but that is your right to post on your blog. that is your Hater’s Sanctuary and it is just unfortunate that our paths have crossed like this.

people who bitch and complain and then put posts directly in the tag on purpose: i’m going to get you.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

You König work is amazing! Idk why but with that “y/n cant watch something with sweaty shirtless men!” It made me think what would König do if Engel was a gamer and had a guy that liked to game with her

Lol this turned out long and superduper self-indulgent for no good reason

CW: Jealousy, possessive behavior, mild smut

This guy friend of yours has the best equipment and has the best games, so you usually go to his place to play and have a few laughs. You somehow thought things would remain pretty much the same after you met König (silly you) because you've told him about this friend and how much fun you've had over the years. He's just a friend, there's nothing suspicious going on, so why couldn't you continue seeing him?

Interestingly enough, the words we're just friends are the exact wrong ones. "Friend" or no, you're not going to some other man's gaming lair alone.

He tags along next time you see this guy, and it's a bit awkward, because you know König doesn't play. He greets your friend coldly, then goes to "relax" on the sofa with a stiff upper back and pure ice in his stare. You shrug and start playing with your friend, and soon enough the feeling that there is a whole glacier behind your back recedes. You've missed playing with your friend so much!

Meanwhile on glacier König, things are only getting icier. If looks could kill, this other man would be dead already. König won't play, not even when your friend offers him the controller and you try to invite him to at least try. He says he likes to watch.

And boy, does he watch.

He watches you like a hawk, the way you immerse yourself in the game, the way you come so, so alive. The way your cheeks glow and your eyes sparkle, the way you laugh or frown or bite your lip with excitement.

The silence extends all the way back home, and then out of nowhere König starts to complain that the war game you played was poorly made.

"That game was highly inaccurate. The guns for example. M16 wasn't introduced to the field until–"

"König," you set a hand on his chest, "calm down. It's just a game."

He lifts his chin and looks at you, down, down, down, like he always does when he thinks he knows better – and he always knows better. But when you go to bed, he gets unusually touchy and cuddly. You're not getting any sleep before he has given you a hot, sweaty fingering session followed by an exceptionally needy cuddlefuck. You can't help but think whether the shameless display of fingering skills was to show off how good he is with his hands... And how he doesn't need a PS controller to prove it.

He suggests, uneasily, that he could buy you a big tv and five different consoles and all the games you want. You have to explain to him that it's not about the games per se, it's about the company. If you had a gift that allowed you to see under that mask, you would see how his nostrils flare at your innocent declaration.

Next time at your friend's house, you play Mario Kart. It's just what the doctor ordered because everytime you play that game you go into a giggle high. It's just so fun and harmless and silly... Actually, it's the perfect antithesis of König. Even your friend starts to laugh because joy is contagious. The only one who’s not laughing is König, who sits behind you like a monolith or a supervising adult, his stare flashing between you two. (When have you ever giggled like that with him...? When have you ever laughed like you can't even stop?)

The truth is that König is going nuts. First you played a lousy war game (riddled with mistakes), as if the fact that you have a super soldier like König wasn't enough for you. You even sighed 'wow 'when there was an intro scene with lots of explosions and an adrenaline-filled jump from a crashing plane. As if he didn't do stuff like that every day... As if he didn't shoot a real gun and kill real people every day. You would say 'wow' a thousand times more enthusiastically if you saw him doing all that shit for real.

And then? You play what looks like a colorful, nonsensical child's game and laugh your heart out with tears in your eyes. You're cute when you're in your gaming mode, and he just wants to squish you, get rid of that dude, then come squish you again.

And you sort of know that something is wrong and perhaps you shouldn't be seeing this friend so often...

It's not just the fact that you and your friend both try your best to ignore the hound dog who insists on coming along every single time even though he never plays.

It's not the fact that your soldier boyfriend has a special talent of making everyone uncomfortable.

It's the fact that everytime you come home, König is all over you and nearly smothers you with kisses and his tall, demanding frame. You barely get out of your shoes before he gets all touchy, almost gropey.

Next thing you know, you're being put to bed, literally, as he grinds you into the mattress in a desperate fashion. Grunting and groaning high above you, the poorly disguised fury seems to seep from his skin as he gets all sweaty and needy with you. Your adoring doe-eyes, your thrilled gasps and dazzled silence only spur him on.

Usually, he's mouthy in bed, but the need to possess you has reached such heights that he can't even speak. He just towers over you like a furious god, arms caging you in while he makes love to you with pitched grunts. When you ask him if he's angry (in a slightly peepy voice, because the man is actually freaking you out a bit), he grunts a quick "Nein" through gritted teeth. That's how you know he's definitely, thoroughly pissed.

Deprived moans send him over the edge right after you, and you can barely catch your breath before he collapses on top of you, cock still pulsing inside you as he seeks out the sacred little place between your ear and neck, lips burning your skin as he snarls:

"I know you are teasing me, little one... And I'm warning you that it's not a good idea."

[jesncin]

you really like saying "white characters (and a gorilla)" adfsjkssks (I laugh because I sigh disapointedly at the context)

HAHA I say it just in case anyone tries to "But Actually Mallah also underwent bigotry, JesnCin! Not just white people!!" and also it's really funny that MAWS prioritizes a marginalized gorilla over POC.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!! I know I complained about how they didn't get a French actor for Mallah considering how atrocious his accent is, but can we get some noise over the lack of simian talent behind the scenes?? You're telling me they couldn't get an actual gorilla to voice Mallah? Like I know their monolith casting of General Lane (a supposedly Korean character with a Filipino voice actor) is insulting, but this is another level! This is censorship! This is the sanitization of gorilla identity! MAWS is proudly continuing the notorious anti-ape sentiment behind DC's One Gorilla A Month rule and it's sickening!

I bet if they were pressured to get an actual gorilla to voice Mallah, they wouldn't even get a French Gorilla. Let alone the unique intersection of being a gay French gorilla. They're all just a monolith to you guys! "oh at least we're seeing a Gorilla on screen" bah baloney! Labor justice for simian talent behind the scenes!!

[babyrdie]

Is there an opinion about greek myth someone might have that would make you not follow them? I am not necessarily talking about a super serious opinion, it could simply be a disagreement of opinion… It doesn't have to be a case of blocking, simply not following is okay…

P.S: this is actually an ask I copied from another user but I was curious about your answer so here it is. Anon who wrote this ask on other profiles, credit to you!

Ah

1. Reducing characters I like to a very basic and uninteresting idea. To explain what I mean, let's think about Patroclus because I love him. I don't like it when people say that the MYTHOLOGICAL Patroclus didn't like war, he was a healer and he was a pacifist. Guys, he wasn't. The mythological one, at least, wasn't. He even had a sex slave, why are we acting like he was a man ahead of his time? I think maybe this comes from the necessity of the "opposites attract" dynamic in couples, but I honestly couldn't disagree more with the idea that Patroclus and Achilles are opposites. They aren't, Book 16 makes it obvious.

Others act as if Patroclus being kind is absurd because apparently it makes him effeminate and being effeminate is bad. But he literally has the epithet "gentle" in The Iliad, I really don't know why some people think Patroclus is only capable of being a fierce warrior if he's an edgy character who doesn't show any kindness and stays bathed in blood 24 hours a day. Reducing him to being a badass is extremely uninteresting because a lot of people are badass in the Trojan War, this makes him an obsolete and nothing special character.

In >my< opinion Patroclus is a character balanced between these two interpretations, and anyone who thinks he is either just a stereotypical pacifist healer or just a stereotypical badass warrior is making him uninteresting.

2. Denying a version of the myth simply because you don't like it. I'm not talking about not using this version or not liking it, but acting as if it were invalid. I'm sorry, guys, but Telegonus is a valid version of the myth whether we like it or not. Myths weren't monoliths, The Odyssey isn't the only valid version. Yes, Achilles and Patroclus were cousins ​​in more than one source. There's no point pretending it's a homophobic modern invention just because the idea of ​​you shipping cousins ​​bothers you. It's not like cousins ​​getting romantically/sexually involved in Ancient Greece was a big deal.

3. People who seem to think the character has to be an adorable, flawless cinnamon roll, and if someone has something against them, then they're poor little creatures. For example, Odysseus and Apollo. I used to see this with Achilles too, but it's not as common in my feed anymore (emphasis on "my feed"). I've also seen it done with Hector, Patroclus and Paris, but it definitely doesn't compare to Odysseus, Apollo and Achilles.

4. People who belittle Penthesilea's death. Don't give me that bullshit speech about how she was a poor defenseless woman and oh how cruel Achilles was for killing her. She wasn't some poor helpless woman, she was a warrior demigod and an Amazon queen. She is literally emphasized by her warlike feats. In more than one source, Achilles is the character chosen to kill her precisely because the other Greeks (men, mind you) were unable to defeat her. So don't get that shit on me. "Ah but a daughter of Ares who lost to a daughter of a nymph" please reread Book 20 of The Iliad. No one belittles Hector for losing to Achilles, there is no need to do that to Penthesilea.

5. People shipping master x slave dynamic shipps. I don't care if there were nuances, if the ancient Greeks didn't see it as bad, how concubinage worked, if the character says they loved the other, etc. I don't want to keep seeing fluffy fanarts and headcanons about Cassandra x Agamemnon, Achilles x Briseis, Ajax x Tecmessa in my feed and I'll continue not wanting to see them.

6. When the profile is very focused on complaining. Like, the profile is constantly complaining about a character or a work that they don't like. I follow people because I want to see their interests, not what they hate. It could even be a character that I don't care for or a work that I hate too, I don't want to see. For example, I thought Lore Olympus was bad, but I don't want to follow a profile that constantly posts hate about Lore Olympus. It's not in my interest. And I'm not saying wow, nobody can complain about anything! I complained about things on my profile myself! I'm talking about people OBSESSED with complaining about a specific character/work.

7. When the profile says that they love complex female characters, including the bad ones, but it's a lie. The person only mentions Circe, Medea, etc to complain about their popularity. They never mention them to comment on the complexity of the character, to provide an analysis, to praise the writing. Never. It's okay if you don't like female characters who aren't morally good, but at least admit it! This is even more obvious depending on how they treat Helen. Suppose I see the profile refuses to deal with the mere possibility that Helen actually cheated on Menelaus. In that case, I quickly realize this person is incapable of liking female characters who make mistakes even though they generally do everything they can to justify the male characters' mistakes. If you truly appreciate "female characters of questionable morality", then talk about them for something other than moral lessons.

8. When the person is a very vocal hater of a character I like (Patroclus, Thetis, Achilles, Medea, etc). I have no problem following if they just don't like the character, but when it's continuous hate there's no reason for me to follow. I don't want to, for example, have to get irritated every time someone posts about what a "bitch" Thetis is.

9. When a person keeps making a lot of headcanons about deities. I don't know, it seems weird to me. I'm not saying it's something reprehensible, I don't even worship the pantheon, it's just something that's not my vibe.

10. When a person acts as if the entire Roman mythology was absolutely invalid. I'm not talking about not liking mixing Roman and Greek mythology, I don't like it either! I'm saying when they act as if, separately, Roman mythology is invalid, uninteresting and bullshit. There's no need to debunk one mythology because you prefer another. And I say this without even being a Roman mythology enthusiast.

11. When a person complains a lot about Hades, TSOA, Patrochilles, Achilles and/or Patroclus fans. This is a separate topic because it's really common. Since I'm a fan of all these things, I simply assume the person doesn't want to interact with me and maybe they find me irritating/bothersome. I don't have a problem with someone complaining about these things (I complained about TSOA at least three times on this profile! For example, Deidamia in this book gives me physical pain), I just stay away because I think it's what the person would prefer.

12. The damned Astyanax as Odysseus' son headcanon. Like...what about Andromache???

[rollercoasterwords]

why are you invalidating people’s real concerns in this fandom? you’re naive if you think that “the fandom” doesn’t have opinions they all agree with that become popular. sure people have their own opinions, but honestly that’s very rare and not seen. you and i both could list popular headcanons in the fandom that people mostly take as canon. remus and sirius have turned into a straight couple, especially with the headcanon that sirius is now a girl. as a woman myself i love sirius as a girl but i hate how the fandom treats feminine sirius. sirius doesn’t have any depth anymore besides being remus’ love interest and sirius is always in the wrong and sirius is always the bad guy - just like society always blames women for everything and men always get a pass. literally look at the fanart. remus’ disabilities have been completely erased. remus is drawn as this huge super manly guy towering over little dainty feminine sirius. in fanfics remus is verbally abusive to sirius bc oh he’s a man and has anger issues. remus is a slut who everyone was in love with but eventually settles down with sirius. these are all stereotypes. idk why you’re trying to tell people this isn’t a thing in the fandom when it literally is.

assuming this is about the two anons i responded to two days ago, one of which was saying they did not like my particular characterization of r+s in a fic and asking me to rewrite it and the other of which was responding to it. both of my responses were focused around saying that my characterization didn't even fit the dynamic being complained about and saying the terms in which that complaint was being stated were odd in the first place (assuming one character being shorter than another automatically makes them feminine, calling a gay relationship heteronormative, asking to making a non-canon-compliant fic more canon compliant, etc). if someone has a real concern with my specific fic that is not premised in gender essentialism then i have yet to hear it; otherwise, i'm not sure how you want me to "validate" that concern unless you are also asking me to rewrite my fic. in which case, the answer is still no lol

and i genuinely do not think "the fandom" is monolith in which everyone agrees on everything; calling me naive is not going to change my mind. i agree that there are popular hcs, sure, but even those are not monolithic in their application and can be filtered and avoided--i know this because there are many popular hcs that i filter and avoid to the point that they are virtually nonexistent in my fandom space. i suggest others do the same with hcs they dislike because i genuinely think that's the best way to approach fandom: curate your space for your own peace of mind.

your experiences with fandom are not singular and are not representative of everyone's. from where i'm sitting, writing sirius as a girl is not a super popular hc--i've seen the hc from time to time, but overwhelmingly i've seen it in the context of r/s femslash, not people writing them as a straight couple. and even then, i still mostly see r/s written as gay men in the vast majority of fics i read and like...posts the people i follow make on tumblr.com. i don't use other platforms to interact w marauders content nor do i stray outside my small circle of mutuals' posts, so if this is some mega-popular hc elsewhere i am simply unaware. from the actual fics posted on ao3, though, gay r/s still seems to be dominating the wolfstar fandom. and to then say that sirius has no personality past being a love interest and always being blamed for everything--again, this is genuinely not something i see. i have never read a fic where sirius is a one dimensional love interest or where it's just sirius-bashing; i'm sure they exist out there somewhere, but i have not found them to make up a majority. maybe i've gotten lucky and miraculously managed to avoid the numerous fanfics where sirius is this caricature you're describing, but personally i think it's more likely that this is an extreme representation of the way people write the character. if you'd like to send me some of the many fics where this is happening to illustrate what you mean, though, feel free.

remus's canonical disability is lycanthropy. that has not been erased in any of the fics i've read that are set in the magical universe. in every non-magical au i've read, he has been written as a disabled character as well. there are plenty of people in this fandom who are not erasing disability as an aspect of his character. if you're not able to find those fics i would be happy to recommend some, and i'm sure others would as well.

i have not seen the fanart you're referring to where remus is drawn as a super manly guy towering over dainty feminine sirius. i'm sure it exists out there, but most of the fanart i personally see doesn't portray them that way--it is definitely not the only way these characters are drawn.

none of the fanfics i've read have had anything that i would characterize as verbal abuse between remus and sirius. nor have they had remus as "a slut," (not crazy about your tone here, tbh) though he is sexually active in some fics i've read with people other than sirius. personally i don't mind characterizations where the two have had or do have sex with other people before getting together. in fact, i prefer it to fics where they only ever sleep with each other, as it more accurately reflects my own experiences w the world (ie, most people are not virgins until "settling down" with one person etc).

all of the things you're describing here can be stereotypes, sure. but i personally have not seen an overwhelming number of fics characterizing r + s this way. i'm not saying it doesn't exist; i'm saying that i have curated my own space to avoid any such one-dimensional portrayals and encouraging others to do the same, because there are tons of people who are not writing the characters this way. "the fandom" is not a monolith, and if you feel like there are certain hcs that are super popular it's possible you've become stuck in a feedback loop where you're seeing them over and over again when in other parts of the fandom they are virtually nonexistent (case in point: i was blissfully unaware of all of this discourse until i started getting these asks). personally, i find it more useful to just block and unfollow people who are posting stuff i don't like, because i don't really see a way to try and police what people are or aren't allowed to write about when it comes to gender in fanfic that doesn't eventually devolve back into gender essentialism. if the concern is that you're noticing what appears to be a certain standard of femininity or masculinity elevated over others, then i personally find it more helpful to have conversations breaking down gender roles + gender essentialism more broadly (as opposed to sending people anonymous messages about how everyone is writing sirius too feminine and remus too masculine), which is something i already do pretty frequently on my blog.

this is the only ask about this whole discourse i'm going to answer; any complaints that "the fandom" as a whole is doing something are not something i'm interested in entertaining because the fandom isn't a monolith and 90% of the time the complaint in question is not even something i'm seeing based on how i've curated my space. i really don't know what to tell you beyond that--if there are things bothering you about what you're seeing in your fandom spaces, coming into my askbox is not going to fix it and will most likely just end with me blocking you, because i have better things to do with my time than deal with other people's discourse.

[joytraveler]

#42: The Death Master

"Yeah, if it was just Death Master that'd be one thing, but this is THE Death Master! Meaning if I wanna master death, this is the guy to train with! I have a huge thumb wrestling match with Death coming up so I should probably train and grow strong"

Lightning crackles on the title screen and THE DEATH MASTER logo shatters out of a towering monolith with a shower of blood(??) A barely-dressed, axe-wielding barbarian hero appears over the Press Start prompt, and begins swinging his huge battle axe at nothing.

Chillarmy_The_Bee: start playing, chop chop! Heheh aroseahorseboy: see, this is men being reduced to sex objects

"I know isn't it great?" Bea can't press start fast enough!

"This looks SUPER oldschool NES so you know it's gonna be hard, no rest for your poor queen I guess" She pouts.

This game is very much in the flavor of an early hack-n-slash like Rastan or Trojan. You really are the Death Master, all the monsters are SUPER easy to kill, and there's tons of blood! EVERYTHING bleeds red blood, from orcs and goblins, to plant monsters, robots and ghosts!

Butterfly_Defect: damn, you are destroying this entire country! Will anything be alive when Bea is done? Karbokarr: Axe dude is merciless Baconnaise: The MUSHROOM is bleeding.

She takes out horde after horde of enemies. "This is like the opposite of Samurai Jack, everything I cut turns to blood instead of robots! But I can't help but feel like this wasn't balanced that well? I think I can die but I'd have to let it happen!"

"I'm trying to think of something to name this guy and Alonzo keeps coming to mind" Despite the gruesome sprays of pixelated blood, he does have a certain charm.

The final stage is a cemetery town, where ghosts, ghouls and reapers swarm around 'Alonzo' and are dutifully chopped into alpo! It's been a fun ride even if it was way too easy. "At least we haven't been killing people, I don't think? Unless he burned down the towns we've gone through"

Boss time is upon us, though... And it's a Grim Reaper that's about two screens tall! Alonzo has to ride his scythe up when he swings it and swing at his face as he falls back down!

"That's a whole lotta Death" Bea mutters as the battle begins. She adapts pretty quickly but this is surely the toughest fight yet, no button mashing to victory this time!

"These games are definitely getting better as we keep going, we've come a long way from 'This Isn't A Snake Clone With A Tapeworm We Promise'" She hums the Kid Icarus fanfare as she refuses to fear the reaper.

Finally, with just a couple well-placed chops each, Alonzo scatters all the Reaper's bones but one-- the skull, which bounces helplessly around as they finally hit the floor below. One more smack, and it falls in half, dry and empty!

"Annnd here comes the candy- oh" She looks a little disappointed. "Oddly enough the final boss is the least bloody one! What a... BONE head!"

"Wait don't unsubscribe yet I'll have another joke in a minute, I promise"

The reaper's cloak comes fluttering down, and lands on Alonzo-- and his eyes glow red.

The words bleed onto the screen like open wounds: [YOU ARE THE DEATH MASTER.]

"Death master, reaper blaster, my axe is also a stratocaster! BWEEOWOWOWOWOW! That's how a guitar sounds right?"

"So! Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds! Uh... Not sure how to feel about this? Surely I done good?"

As Death-Alonzo flies off into the sky... The previous levels pass by, and all the monsters, orcs and ogres you dispatched are returned to life! Some even have families, wives and children to embrace them with joy!

Karbokarr: wow, undoing all the damage DueyDecimal: It was... All worth it?

"Master of Mood Whiplash!" She watches in awe, and also in 'awww!' "What a nice way to end a gruesome slaughterfest! Not at all what I expected but I'm not complaining!"

Finally the Death Master lands in front of a grave with piles of fresh earth and pauses. Then he drops to one knee, head hung.

[THE DEATH MASTER CAN UNDO ANY DEATH IT HAS CAUSED.] [GOOD NEWS. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.]

"I... I.. I didn't want feels, don't do this to me"

"Aw hell, who's in the ground? Mom? Dad? Brother? Sister?? Was there an intro I skipped???"

Syrupentine: T___T aroseahorseboy: not much plot till the end but GEEZ

"If you guys picked up on something I missed lemme know. But..damn. Did we kill everyone and revive them for nothing?"

Syrupentine: I don't think there was any clue beforehand, no HNV: Maybe you were trying to clear your name? Or... no, if you can only revive things YOU killed, that would prove you did it DueyDecimal: You thought you were guilty but you weren't... Yay?

[electric-friend]

the fandom makes me sad a lot these days tbh. most of the time i’m like wow that doesn’t make sense or it’s not that deep or maybe it is that deep or i wish i was being listened to…

and as far as i can tell, nobody who was actually IN the stream was upset by the way con started it? if i’m wrong lmk but while everyone’s out there complaining about boundaries, why are outlines inherently sexual? it’s no more than you see at the beach or the pool or in some onscreen outfits for plenty of actors all the time. it’s not really inherently sexual, even? and it may not even have been on purpose but even if it was, while admittedly it’s a bit odd, it doesn’t seem harmful? unless it escalates to something genuinely inappropriate, but there’s nothing to suggest it would.

and all the time i’m having to hear about how canyonites are all evil as if we’re a monolith? people latch onto the actions of the few they dislike the most and decide that represents everyone in a group they’re a part of. it’s like when there are people who don’t care about consent who have a kink and some idiots think that makes the kink itself bad and lack consent as if it wasn’t just the flawed actions of a few individuals who would have been wrong regardless of what kink was involved, you know?

yeah like… i’ve had some bad experiences in canyon spaces. there are some shitty discord servers where people don’t accept headcanons that involve izzy doing something bad or making a mistake, or refuse to accept he ever did anything canonically wrong. which is annoying and upsetting and i removed myself from those toxic spaces. but outside the canyon people do the same with ed instead and it’s just exhausting. why can’t characters be complex and have made mistakes and done bad things, and also be loved??

and it doesn’t mean that everyone in the canyon or everyone who loves izzy is fucking bad, ok?

but sometimes just when i feel like i’ve carved out a space for myself that i actually like, my dash gets filled with people talking about how horrible the whole canyon is and how liking izzy is wrong just because there are people who like izzy who have also done bad things. wait until you guys realise there are people who hate izzy who have done dumb or mean or awful things too lmao???

the whole idea of sides of the fandom is stupid because neither side is a monolith and there are bad eggs everywhere no matter where you look. no community is purely the good guys and the loss of nuance and the focus on taking sides, my side vs your side, good side vs bad side, without considering people as simply individuals who all have differing thoughts and values and integrity, makes me feel like i’m swimming through masses of brainwashed zombies sometimes.

touch some fucking grass.

[animalisticallytimorous]

A dumb first-world-problems ramble from an exhausted autistic chick

I know I don't normally make original posts on Tumblr much, but I just need to vent somewhere I can't be followed. The individual in question doesn't have a Tumblr, as far as I'm aware. I feel like an ass about vague-posting, but my patience has been running thin for a while now. And they're not really a bad person, but I can't exactly confront them about this without things escalating into a fight. And I know this is my general account & not my new 14-exclusive account, but I just need to release some steam.

You ever get those moods where, in spite of your best efforts to tune people out & ignore the bullshit, it can be really hard to keep loving your special interests/hyperfixations? Like, it's one thing when it's coming from random strangers you don't know on the internet. But it's another thing entirely when it's coming from the people you consider close friends.

Specifics under the cut, because it's a doozy:

Shit like this has happened to me before. That's how I fell out of love with old hyperfixations like Steam-Powered Giraffe & the Gregory Horror Show, & even Pokemon for a bit before the siren songs of ScarVi & Legends: Arceus lured me back in. People I considered close teasing me about super niche stuff (in regards to the former two) & saying my taste was garbage or that I was a sheep & a shill (the latter.) And you'd think that, "Huh, maybe if I happen to hyperfixate on something mainstream, I won't run into this issue again, huh?"

Well, imagine finding someone in FFXIV to geek out over some of the more obscure & niche questlines with. Of course, I adore the MSQ! If I didn't, I wouldn't be playing this game!

But it is BEYOND frustrating for me to want to be able to enjoy this game while simultaneously acknowledging its flaws & areas it needs to grow without constantly having the mainstream parts of this thing that I love being trashed by this person I befriended.

My mainstream favs being constantly misinterpreted & treated like garbage? The favs of my other friends getting this same treatment? Having the AUDACITY to try & defend them only to be met with such (paraphrased) lines like, "Then perhaps it's just due to JRPGs being so dogshit at writing. Padding out their stories with such convoluted, needless fluff that means either I'm too stupid to understand or I can see right through the bullshit they're trying to hide through their tangled mess." Surgically nitpicking other Final Fantasy properties I bring up out of my excitement for a Gilgamesh cameo while also bashing Keith Szarabajka's voice work because he isn't the guy who voiced him in ARR? Constantly assuming the worst out of all the writers/localizers & even wishing them IRL harm for doing something with the writing you don't like? Demonizing Naoki Yoshida like he's a monolith responsible for personally slighting you every time you don't like something in the story? Hell, they've stated on numerous occasions how much they outright LOATHE the MSQ and all the main characters! Only the side characters seem to escape their ire.

Half of the time, I can't even talk with this person about the niche things we both share without them inevitably bringing up something to complain about. And I just keep telling myself to not engage, ignore it, & walk away.

But this Twitter QRT has just been the final fucking straw.

So, me just wanting to enjoy this game in spite of its shortcomings makes me a simp for a cliche & unoriginal pile of slop.

Me being both excited & nervous for the upcoming expac makes me a simp.

How the fuck dare I enjoy myself. How the fuck dare I not be miserable & let the shortcomings I have overtake my genuine love of this little thing that brings me joy & helped me make so many new friends.

I just keep wondering why this person even keeps playing if it's only the small bits of side content that bring them any amount of joy? And I can't even ask that because it's rude of me. I can't ask them to tone down the constant harping or being more decisive about picking their battles because, "I'd be telling them to suppress themselves, cutting themselves into pieces to try & not be a nuisance."

The thing is that this person isn't stupid. They're not even a bad person. And I do happen to agree with a lot of their points when they aren't being so outright hostile. They just have social struggles & autism like I do, but in the opposite direction. I'm a meek, heavy masker who represses herself out of wanting to not pick or escalate fights (growing up used to having my words habitually twisted by bullies & authority figures, being a chronic mediator amongst past friend groups leaving me with compassion fatigue), while they've taken the opposite approach & are very bold & outspoken with their opinions to the point of jumping the gun with unintended aggression. As well as the aforementioned, "immediately assuming the absolute worst about of everyone involved in this property."

I don't know.

I'm just so tired of having the little things I like be constantly shat on by people whom I'm close to. It makes ME feel like I'm the idiot with no media literacy for finding joy in these things. That I've been gaslighting myself into thinking that the things I like are actually good or hold any modicum of value. It's been 26 years, & I haven't learned to tune out all the bullshit around me. I'm still so sensitive after all this time.

[yellowocaballero]

🌟🌟🌟DEALER’S CHOICE ROUND TWO

Hi sorry this took so long to get to I was finishing up my chronicle of Danny and Colleen's fucked spring break.

This is actually mostly some notes I wanted to make that I couldn't explain out right but that I think are funny and that I want people to know:

“Guilty. Jaime Garcia at your service. You gonna turn me in?”

“Señor Suerte himself? I feel like I’m meeting a celebrity.” Merridew waved a hand, running his other hand along the edge of the desk before leaning back in his chair. “Nah. Go ahead and take the art. I couldn’t care less. I have all the treasure I need right here.” He rubbed his thumb on the obsidian crystal, gentle and reverent. “Do you like it? Found it on the black market. These were found in the body of some mutie the cops exterminated. Apparently the guy was a wannabe superhero. Called himself the Living Monolith. The crystals in his body could propagate themselves endlessly. No real human could possibly use it, obviously, but a talented magician like me can tap into the potential. I’m making better use of it than he ever did.”

This is a terrible person.

So I read over an omnibus of Heroes For Hire and it is, frankly, very weird. There's a vibe of...it tries, and sometimes it says something interesting, but it mostly fails. Something interesting stood out to me about Danny that cued me to write a story about him and his multi-racial identities, but here's a quick breakdown of the plot relevant bits of issue #56:

Danny & Luke are hired by Professor Merridew of a local university and an (terribly colored holy shit he was grey) Egyptian dude Ahmet Abdol. There's a showcase of Egyptian artifacts at the museum and they want to hire Luke & Danny to act as security for the museum.

Luke & Danny complain but they do so. Halfway through the night, the museum is attacked by a robber - Senor Suerte, aka Jaime Garcia, and his gang of thieves. Luke & Danny stop them and arrest them, but they escape and it's discovered in the chaos that all of the artifacts were replaced with fakes.

Luke & Danny take a big hit to their credibility and public name, threatened with financially compensating for the stolen objects. For some reason.

Eventually it's revealed that the real thief was Ahmet Abdol, who swindled Professor Merridew into giving him access to the artifacts and who (is secretly? worships? something?) has a connection with the old X-Man enemy the Living Monolith.

Stay tuned for the X-Man team up next issue! (How do they team up? The X-Men were just WALKING BY..?)

As usual with the old HFH comics, the cast of characters itself was diverse. The characters themselves were confusingly half racist. I picked the plot because it was Egyptian themed and easy to write in a vacuum, but the weirdness ticked me off a bit so I decided to fuck around with it.

The weirdly stereotypical Ahmet Abdol is replaced by the earnest and innocuous white Merridew.

Ahmet Abdol is replaced plot wise more-or-less by Layla. Also Egyptian. Less weird about it.

Replace Egyptian artifacts with Wakandan cultural exchanges (less weird, more interesting, wanted to highlight Layla's Wakandan friends just because I really think it's funny and I think people should know what she does all day and also puts her in the plot etc).

Instead of just guarding the place they do investigative work because detectives, baby!

Senor Suerte, the smokescreen thief, the distraction from the true enemy, is...one of Jake's endless pseudonyms lmfaoooooooooooo.

The Living Monolith isn't an evil X-Man weird villain, he's a dead mutant whose corpse was looted by evil assholes.

This wasn't me trying to woke-ify the thing I swear, I just thought it would be really funny & interesting to swap around the characters and roles that they take. A lot of the changes are just because I thought it'd be more interesting plotwise. I had recurring themes of exploitation of marginalized populations, so changing the Living Monolith from being an enemy who attacks mutants to being an exploited mutant was for thematic reasons.

But Senor Suerte's dialogue was a lot of bad Spanish and a curling moustache and everything. Not blatantly offensive, but...yeah. It's the kind of stereotypical and weird thing that I think Jake would love setting up as a fake identity because people like Merridew buy it hook line and sinker. And it immediately sets up how that encounter is going to end - with Jake the bad guy again.

And also Good Luck is what you tell someone going on stage to a theater as a way of giving them BAD LUCK OK GOODNIGHT.

[novelelitist]

Can I have some headcanons for how various servants would deal with thier master having agoraphobia, which is the fear of open spaces or places someone cant easily escape from? Its like the oposite of claustrophobia basically.

Ayyy, a number of years ago I worked for a guy that had agoraphobia. He’d pretty much go to the shop or stay home and go nowhere else if he could avoid it. 

I’m wondering if you’re requesting this because you, yourself, have agoraphobia, Anon. I appreciate your willingness to share that with me and give me a shot to write about it. Since I do say I’m willing to give mental health-related pieces so long as nobody takes it as a monolith. 

I hope this finds you well and that it reassures you a little.

This was available July 12th on Patreon.

(A Few) Servants With An Agoraphobic Master

Abigail Williams: Of the Servants that effectively live with Master’s agoraphobia, Abby is among the most compassionate. There are plenty of things that Abby is terrified of—many of which are things others couldn’t possibly imagine. 

Abby tries to make Master’s life easier in little ways that she is capable of. She adapts outdoor activities for indoor settings. Anything that needs to be done out of the house, she learns how to handle via Master’s nifty technology. She’s quite adept at ordering food.

In the Holy Grail War, Abby doesn’t want to bring violence into Master’s safest places. It’s hard to balance Master’s security and her own insecurities, but she’s a big girl. She’ll go out on her own to fight if she needs to. Between technology and their Master-Servant bond, she’ll never feel alone wherever she goes. She’ll bring Master whatever they need so they can return to reading books and enjoying each other’s company.

Jinako Carigiri: At first, Jinako views Master’s agoraphobia rather selfishly. Master can’t complain about what a NEET she is if they’re also kind of a NEET. It’d be totally hypocritical for them to judge her, right? 

Nope, not right. It takes a while for her to realize she’s being an ass, but she’s definitely being an ass. She knew she was selfish, but this went right over her head. And honestly, why should she be surprised by her shit take? She views things through the lens of her own comfort. How is she supposed to handle anybody else?

Jinako slowly warms up to the idea of being less of a loaf. Not because she expects it to change Master’s fears or feelings. Phobias are a serious thing. She doesn’t know how she didn’t recognize it before when her own NEET status grew from her anxieties. She sucks at being perfectly considerate, but she gives it her best shot. There is nothing on the planet that could breach her protective shell, and she’ll extend that to Master as long as she can. There is nothing she can’t protect them from as long as they stay in one place. 

EMIYA (Assassin): Assassin’s relationship with Master is simple. They give orders, he executes them. He never once questions Master’s condition. It’s not his business. He doesn’t need to know them personally to follow instructions. Something, though… Something nags at him.

They don’t nag him verbally, but their presence gets to him. He finds himself increasingly agitated by their circumstances. How wrong it is that such a young person finds themselves in a Holy Grail War when they suffer a condition that ensures their battles will always be uphill. It’s not like he minds. If anything, Master’s agoraphobia will benefit him from a tactical perspective. But he’s not happy.

He had someone once—twice, thrice perhaps—he felt obligated to protect with his life. A family, maybe. People he feared for. Those long-clipped heartstrings are the tiniest bit tugged with this Master. He’ll never tell them, lest it put their safety at risk, but… This contract is more mutually-beneficial than he was willing to hope for.

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

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June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

[pandoratheprocrasticreator]

You're not listening. The raya thing was not what she was canceled for. SEAsians and Asians called her out on how she addressed it and instead of listening she called us crazies and associated us with White woke people. And then that is what got us mad but instead of apologizing she doubled down and canceled herself. She did not apologize she just took the "well I'm sorry if you were offended" route. That video? Yeah it was nothing but "I wasn't being racist and besides it was mostly white people complaining". She took so many of our actual points and manipulated them or just flat out ignored us. This wasn't even for the Asian community but for Black and Native Americans she has dismissed in the past. If you like her, go ahead. But a lot of us are tired of White women doing this crap to us

sigh......

I am also an Asian. We are not a monolith so I can’t speak for what you were or were not offended by, but to read the original raya tweet, and even her reply afterward, as “associating asians with white woke people” is the most bad faith take I have heard. Sarcasm exists and she was being sarcastic when she referred to people as “crazies.” That isn’t even an offensive term and to view it as offensive you have to have either been expecting her to spout racist bullshit even before you read her tweet or have read it 80 times trying to look for anything at all to “cancel” her for.

Did you watch her video? Did you listen to anything she said at all or is “listen” just a catchphrase you use to dismiss other people’s arguments when you don’t want to refute them? She apologized for what she needed to apologize for. There was nothing to “call her out” on for the Raya thing so she doesn’t need to apologize for that. She was being racist in some places which she acknowledged and apologized for, and wasn’t being racist in other places. If you want ppl to take accountability for being racist then you must listen to them when they address your accusations, whether it’s to defend themselves (because wrongful accusations do happen!) or to apologize.

She didn’t “do any crap” to you.  The raya thing was not “dismissive of asians”, and should not have been the start of this wave of controversy. If you genuinely care about her apologizing for being dismissive of other poc in the past then you would have messaged her in private and explained, politely and logically, where she did wrong. (She may not have replied anyway bc of all the non-constructive hate she was getting but adding to that hate doesn’t help anyone)

Ellis was cancelled because people didn’t like her take on raya, full stop. And because people on tumblr, twitter, instagram, etc. don’t know how to dislike/disagree with someone without making it into a moral crusade, they twisted it into an accusation that she was being dismissive of asian-centered stories, and was therefore being racist towards asians. And everyone knew that that accusation was so flimsy that they started digging up old offensive stuff that ellis did in the past (some over a decade ago! again! people change and lindsay certainly has!), a lot of which ellis has already addressed, if not apologized for in the past. But I guess even though yall say “all she had to do was take responsibility and apologize” you won’t leave her alone when she does just that because you guy just want an excuse to harrass someone off twitter and pat yourselves on the back for getting rid of another “secret racist.”

Anyway, if you do actually want to discuss this with me, please message me off anon. I don’t want this kind of discourse to fill my blog, nor do I think my followers will want to see it. If you have evidence more recent than a decade ago of ellis doing something problematic that deserves cancellation, then tell me about it and I will consider it. However, implying that you’re a poc who’s been victimized by ellis to strengthen your argument does not gain sympathy from me, another poc who was offended by ellis’s older works but accepted her apologies on this.

[cryingcow]

Character Story - Yayoi [RGGO]

I’m gonna stop simping over Zhongli for now and post this XD For our next beautiful lady: the one and only surviving sword mom in the series! :D

Story: After Terada dies, someone needs to be the Fifth Acting Chairman.

Kashiwagi: “Since Terada got murdered and I got attacked and whoever is the leader now would most likely get killed, I would like your son Daigo to be the Fifth Acting Chairman.”

Yayoi: “. . . You’re not exactly being persuasive here.”

.

CHAPTER 1

.

|In 2006, five years after getting arrested for violating the Firearms and Swords Act, Dojima Daigo went to Osaka to take revenge against God Ryuji. Daigo, who was excommunicated from the clan and abandoned by his former friends, devotes himself to a life of drinking alone.|

Daigo: “Oi . . . I’m out of liquor.”

Waiter: “Y-Yes . . . Here you go.”

Daigo: “. . .”

Yayoi: “. . . Daigo.”

Daigo: “. . . Why did you come here.”

Yayoi: “Even though everything’s over . . . how long do you plan on living like this? It wasn’t Kiryu who killed that person . . . you already know that. Did Kiryu really leave the Tojo Clan? In that case, you shouldn’t be drinking.”

Daigo: “. . . I don’t know what you’re talking about. Please go home.”

Yayoi: “What did you say . . . ?”

Daigo: “Whatever I’m doing has nothing to do with you.”

Yayoi: “Nothing to do with me . . . ? It’s natural for parents to worry about their son.”

Daigo: “Hmph . . . now it’s just the mother’s side.”

Yayoi: “! . . .”

[Daigo gets up and leaves.}

Yayoi: “Daigo . . . !”

----

Yayoi: “. . . Mother’s side.”

Yayoi: (. . . It’s no wonder Daigo says that. Since long ago, I and that person have made Daigo feel very lonely because of the clan . . . Now, I’m not the one who can guide that child. Only Kiryu . . . can do it . . .)

Malicious Catcher: “Good evening Onee-san! What’s with the wrinkles between your eyebrows~? Is something wrong? Do you want to be surrounded by good-looking guys? Huh?”

Yayoi: “Get lost. I’m in a bad mood right now.”

Malicious Catcher: “Huh? Don’t say that, won’t you join us? Well? Come on!”

Yayoi: “Hmph. . . . Don’t complain if you die.”

{Yayoi presumably stabs the guy several times.}

Malicious Catcher: “Hiiii!! M-Murderer!! She isn’t human! Somebody help~!”

Yayoi: “. . . Tch.”

----

Yayoi: (What am I going to do with Daigo . . .)

?: “Guh . . . !”

Yayoi: “Hm . . . ?”

Kashiwagi: “Haa . . . Haa . . .”

Yayoi: “Kashiwagi . . . ?! Kashiwagi, there’s blood on your arm . . . ! Wait right there, I’ll do first aid. Let’s get you to a hospital quick.”

Kashiwagi: “No, it’s fine now. I’m sorry Neesan . . . guh . . . !”

Yayoi: “. . . What on earth happened?”

Kashiwagi: “I was ambushed earlier.  . . . by a killer from the Omi Alliance.”

Yayoi: “Omi . . . ?!”

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 2

Yayoi: “Someone from the Omi Alliance tried to kill you . . . ? What do you mean?”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Actually, the Fifth Chairman was shot today by someone from the Omi Alliance.”

Yayoi: “Terada . . . ?!”

Kashiwagi: “Yes . . . He was immediately transported by an ambulance, but . . . he died.”

Yayoi: “What’s that . . . ?”

Kashiwagi: “The head family will be happy to have support from you, so I was looking for you with regards that matter. But in the middle of doing that, I was attacked by a hitman, and this is what happened. The Omi is trying to crush us in one go.”

Yayoi: “Is that so . . . so why were you looking for me?”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Neesan, I have something to discuss with you.”

Man with Kansai Dialect: “Found you, Kashiwagi!”

Kashiwagi: “. . . tch. Did they chase me down?”

Yayoi: “Kashiwagi. Is this the guy who hurt you?”

Kashiwagi: “Yeah . . . he caught me off guard.”

Omi Hitman: “This time I’ll stab you, Acting Captain of the Tojo Clan!”

{Yayoi and Kashiwagi kick their ass.}

Omi Hitman: “Damn it . . . !”

Kazama Family: “Boss!”

Omi Hitman: “. . . tch, are those reinforcements?”

{The hitman runs away.}

Kazama Family Member A: “Wait!”

Kazama Family member B: “Boss! Are you okay?”

Kashiwagi: “Yeah, they just got my arm. You guys . . . don’t tell anyone about this. I want to avoid making the flames of war even bigger.”

Kazama Family member B: “. . . Yes, boss.”

Kashiwagi: “Let’s go somewhere else, Neesan. We can’t talk here.”

----

Bar Master: “Take your time . . .”

Yayoi: “. . . So, Kashiwagi. What’s this story you have to tell me?”

Kashiwagi: “. . . I’ll be straightforward. I would like to ask Daigo to be the Fifth Acting Chairman.”

Yayoi: “Daigo as Acting Chairman . . . ?!”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Yes.”

Yayoi: “You . . . after what happened between Daigo and the Omi . . . ?!”

Kashiwagi: “. . . I am well aware of that. The Fifth Chairman was killed, and even I, acting as the Junior Head, was attacked . . . To be the ‘face’ of the head family now would be like walking up to the execution stand.”

Yayoi: “. . . And knowing that, you want to put it on Daigo’s back . . .”

Kashiwagi: “The Tojo Clan is currently a mess. But the Omi will not wait for us. We need someone to be a monolith as soon as possible. To do that, we need a suitable leader. I’m ashamed to say, but it can’t be me. But Daigo is a vessel that people can rely on. He will surely pull the Tojo Clan together. So, I wanted to talk to you about it first. Please . . . please understand.”

Yayoi: “. . . I understand what you’re saying. Then, I have a suggestion. Will you listen?”

Kashiwagi: “A suggestion . . . ?”

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 3

Kashiwagi: “. . . Neesan, is that really okay?”

Yayoi: “Yeah. I’m not going back on my word.”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Understood.”

Yayoi: “But, can you give me some time?”

----

Daigo: “Oi! I’m out of alcohol! Bring more quickly!”

Man in Black Clothes: “C-Customer, if you drink too much . . . !”

{Yayoi and Kashiwagi appear.}

Daigo: “?! . . .”

Daigo: “Why is Kashiwagi-san here?”

Yayoi: “. . . Daigo. There’s something we want to tell you.”

Daigo: “. . . I don’t want to talk to you.”

Kashiwagi: “Daigo . . . be careful of how you talk.”

Daigo: “Shut up. I don’t want to get involved with anything anymore-”

{Yayoi slaps Daigo.}

Daigo: “Guh?!”

Kashiwagi: “Ah, Neesan . . . !”

Yayoi: “You don’t need to get involved, Kashiwagi. Club Manager, I’m sorry, but I’m going to rampage. Stand up, Daigo. I’m not saying this to you as a parent. I’m just angry with the idiot who drinks alone at this time.”

Daigo: “. . . What did you call me . . . !”

Yayoi: “Come on, clench your teeth!!”

{Yayoi whoops Daigo’s ass.}

Daigo: “Guh . . . !”

Yayoi: “You’re an idiot. You’re so drunk you can’t even walk properly.”

Yayoi: “. . . Daigo, Terada’s dead.”

Daigo: “. . .”

Yayoi: “He was killed by men from the Omi Alliance.  . . . There could be war.”

Daigo: “. . . So what. Are you telling me to go back?”

Yayoi: “. . . I’ve decided to become the Acting Chairman. I came here to tell you that.”

Daigo: “Acting Chairman . . . ?! Are you really saying . . . ?!”

Yayoi: “Yes. I’ll be taking over Terada’s position starting today. I will organize the Tojo Clan.”

Daigo: “What are you thinking?! I don’t think that’s sane . . .”

Yayoi: “Of course I’m aware of the danger. But I have no choice but to do this. So . . .”

Daigo: “You . . . I’m wondering what you can do for the clan.”

Yayoi: “. . . Daigo. I’ve been prepared for all this since I became his wife. Now . . . is the time.”

Daigo: “Guh . . . !!”

Yayoi: “. . . I just came by to say this. Let’s go, Kashiwagi.”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Yes.”

----

Yayoi: “. . .”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Is it okay, Neesan? Not to tell Daigo the truth.”

Yayoi: “It’s fine.”

Yayoi: “Then, I have a suggestion. Will you listen?”

Kashiwagi: “A suggestion . . . ?”

Yayoi: “Yes. The position of Acting Chairman . . . I want to take it on.”

Kashiwagi: “Neesan . . . ?!”

Yayoi: “Am I lacking the power?”

Kashiwagi: “. . . No. The breakthrough of the Dojima Family is only possible with the support of Neesan. Everyone knows that. You have a lot of trust from those at the bottom, and the perfect qualities to stand on top . . . I have no complaints. But . . . is that okay?”

Yayoi: “Like Daigo, I too have the qualities to carry the head family on my back. But for that child . . . he needs time to recover. It’s true that it is the role of parents to help their children.  . . . But I can’t do that. So . . . I want to offer up my life to give him that time. This is what I’ll do as the parent of my child.”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Neesan . . .”

Kashiwagi: “. . . Awkward people, both Daigo and Neesan.”

Yayoi: “Heh . . . that person was the same. Well, let’s go. Isn’t the head family huge? I need to start deciding future policies soon.  . . . I’m counting on you, Kashiwagi.”

Kashiwagi: “Yes. Your humble servant Kashiwagi will do his best to protect you, Fifth Acting Chairman!”

.

-END-

 Masterlist

[insanityclause]

And they can't stand that the Loki series actually brought more than enough new fans to the character to replace them and their 2013-era takes - Oh yeah, some of them are pretty pissed about it. It ruins their narrative that, since they didn't like it, no one should. The rants I saw about how these new fans don't understand Loki at all and are disrespectful toward the rEaL character... Btw, they are the same people who are complaining now about Kate posting that tweet and how she is "cherry-picking" all the vAlId cRItIcIsM to make them appear rude and stupid, and generally panicking seeing the support and praises she is receiving

I think they need to realize that:

1) There's no way she's going to read and respond to every single comment. No one should expect a response at all. You will never please everyone.

2) Calling out misogynistic incels like that (the guy's other tweets show that's very much who he is) is absolutely necessary on SM, especially for women in media.

3) If ppl see their valid criticisms as similar to things that incels are saying, maybe they should reflect on their own thoughts and behaviour and how they word them.

4) Even pointing out the gf/bi arguments is going to be difficult, because again, neither group is a monolith. Kate is bi. The bi representation was fine with her and for others (not all, of course). And the same with gf rep - there are decent arguments to be made, but not everyone's going to agree. What is good rep to some, could be seen as a stereotype to others. You're never going to please everyone... so you go back to 1) above.

[rollercoasterwords]

ooh don’t even get me started on the riots people throw about “she’s got the best tits in the year” saying ‘sirius would never’… the man fully had a wall of women dressed in bikinis in his bedroom in canon, and atyd is meant to be canon compliant.

andddd they will at the same time salivate over regulus in fics where he has killed people?? like murder is an acceptable flaw but one throw away line from a teen in a fic tagged period typical attitudes isn’t? bugs me minority when people don’t read the tags and just read a fic because it’s popular and then get mad because it contains things that are tagged.

yeah i mean. this is another part of the whole thing that really interests me. and like--i'm sure that some of the people who lose their shit over the tits line aren't okay with murder either; i'm not trying to make sweeping generalizations that imply that like. everyone who complains abt sirius "best tits" atyd line are also totally fine with regulus murdering people or whatever, y'know? like i am trying 2 avoid being one of those people who goes "The Fandom complains abt this but is ok with this" as if The Fandom is in any way monolithic.

that disclaimer out of the way though, i do feel like there is. some general inconsistency amongst some portions of the fandom when it comes to what "flaws" get large amounts of complaints. and the thing is--it makes sense for a person to not like one flaw but be fine with another, y'know? everyone's gonna have their own personal boundaries + likes + dislikes, and i'm not saying that if u dislike one type of flaw ur not allowed 2 like any flawed characters. what i take issue with is when someone acts as though to portray a character with a certain flaw at all is somehow a Morally Bad thing to do.

again, still organizing my thoughts, but i have a few ideas right now for what might cause this sort of. perceived general inconsistency in what becomes popular/common to complain about re: flawed characterization. i wonder if it's almost more common to see people upset by things like the "best tits" line because it's so realisitc; because it hits so close to home. most people have probably encountered a teenage boy who has said something like that, and i think it's very easy to connect to the pain + anger that comes with navigating casual sexism, and because of that people get upset when they feel they're being like....forced to imagine their favorite character that way, because it's easy to vividly imagine a sexist teenage boy, y'know?

on the other hand, reading about like. ur favorite character as a criminal or a soldier in a war or a superhero or whatever who like. fights in a battle or kills random people who are nothing more than words on a page, nameless side characters, etc--i don't think that feels as realistic, or hits as close to home for most people. encountering a murderer is much less common than encountering casual sexism; especially considering the demographics of who's most likely to read fanfiction, far fewer readers have probably encountered violence of that sort in their lives. i also think many of us, especially those immersed in western media, are very desensitized to the sort of violence of an action hero like....tearing through a bunch of faceless bad guys and gunning them down, or whatever. as long as we know our guy is the good guy, and the other guys are bad guys, it's fine. and i think most fanfiction that does have the characters committing violent crimes tends to fall into that sort of category--even when it doesn't, it's still usually a story where you know your character is on the "right side." and it's easier to just sort of....overlook these sorts of flaws partially because they're so dramatic that it's like. easy to just go "omg yesss bloody violent characters i love them <3" bc u know that in real life you obviously would not just be ok with someone killing somebody else, y'know? but going "omg yessss casually sexist characters i love them <3" doesn't exactly have the same ring to it lol

but i do think u run into inconsistencies real fast if u start assigning moral weight to the potrayal of flaws--as in, saying "oh, this sort of flaw is ok to write about, but this one isn't." bc then it's like. unless u only read abt characters that have no flaws ever, ur gonna run into someone asking "well why are you okay with this flaw, but not this one?" and that's gonna lead 2 u back to some real shaky premises 4 ur own moral arguments imo

[nostalgiaissue]

The Feminine Urge to Cry Over Growing Older

by Tiffany Peverilla, design by Hailey Lynaugh

January 8th. 8 years old. I still remember how cold the marble-tiled floor felt on my toes when I crept out of bed in the early morning and ran to the mirror in the corner of my room to check my height. I used to think height worked the same way birthdays did, you wake up every year and instantly grow a little taller, get a little older. That was growing up to me, I just wanted my tiny little hands to reach the sky.

Even now, the image stays clear in my head of the messy pink frosting, the big Snow White birthday banner hanging between two towering cabinets, the party hats on that black coffee table in that small living room I used to know. I was so convinced 8 would be the year I finally got to be a big girl, the year I would finally grow up.

Today is January 8th again, but this time, I did not have the privilege of stepping on a cold marble floor. I do, however, have the privilege of a mirror in the corner of my room, but one I avoid profusely in fear of having to stand face to face with the version of myself my brain would cruelly craft for me each day. No longer are there party hats on the table, pink frosting on a cake and Snow White wishing me a happy birthday. No, because growing up isn’t growing taller and being allowed to stay up past 9pm. Growing up means being greeted with the pinging sounds of text notifications that all seem to scream, “19!” even though you still feel 8. Growing up is looking at your mom’s contact profile a little too long, wondering if she might have liked you more if she didn’t see a reflection of all the things she hates about herself whenever she looks at you. Growing up is not growing taller, it’s nights of wishing you were smaller.

—

… Until it isn’t.

About a week after my birthday, my little sister sent me a TikTok video that forever changed the way I think about growing up. In this video was a think-piece written by a woman on why women seem to perceive growing up as a negative experience, but men don’t.

**Disclaimer: I acknowledge that gender is not a binary and that the growing up experience is not exclusive to just men and women. My intentions with this article is solely to view this topic in a male vs. female perspective due to the fact that the issues I will be talking about stem from society at large not having fully progressed to accepting the absence of a binary.

I don’t tend to gravitate towards political think-pieces and comments written by people on social media because, truthfully, I’ve always found them to be lackluster and a little too speculative. So when I first watched the video sent by my sister, I scoffed and brushed it off in disbelief. Surely this random white woman on TikTok is just looking at it a little too deeply, right? Who in their right mind would actually be optimistic over getting older?

But then I thought about it.

Have I ever heard a man complain about growing up? Every post, song, book, movie, or quote I’ve encountered that talked about growing up in a negative or even bittersweet way was always exclusively from the perspective of someone who did not identify as a cis-het male. So maybe there really was something to it, and maybe this TikTok video was right.

Still a little skeptic, I turned to some guys for a little more insight. The men I could get a hold of ranged from being working class to high class and were either cis-het or gay; this is because even though I could not account for the differences between every social/ethnic/economic background, I still made sure to include different male perspectives instead of just treating them like a monolith. I texted them the million-dollar question of “What is/was your experience with entering adulthood?” and hit send with half of me hoping their answers would prove that TikTok video wrong and the other half of me wanting them to say exactly what it hypothesized.

Lo and behold, all of their experiences somehow perfectly fit the narrative I’ve been oblivious to for so long. They were excited (or had been excited) to grow up. I sat there completely baffled. I almost wanted to vomit from how stunned I was that all this time I’d been grieving my childhood, I was alone; that all this time I thought crying over wasted youth was a universal experience, it was really just something only half the world was subjected to.

The longer I sat with it, though, the longer I thought, of course. Why wouldn’t they be optimistic? It’s true that not all men experience growing up the same way due to racial background, sexuality, class, etc., but it’s clear that for most of them, they were taught that entering adulthood meant entering a world of opportunity. For some of them, they were even told that the second they left childhood, they would be greeted with power and sex and stability. To them, growing up was getting taller, and endlessly so at that. And even if the unfortunate reality is that many men never quite end up getting to this dreamland fantasy, very rarely were they informed of it.

Take, for example, how most male protagonists are represented in all your beloved stories, movies, and TV shows. Male characters are almost always represented as successful, opportunity-chasing people who never fail to get the girl. Even if they are forced to go through challenges and periods of hardship, they are almost always one-dimensional in the sense that very few of their problems seem to intersect with their identity as a cis-het man because there really aren’t any. Who can make an issue out of gaining privilege, anyway?

Beyond that, there’s also the idea that women are born with proverbial shelf-lives in the sense that they only tend to decay as they age – very much like how bread gets moldy around the time of their expiration date – whereas men only seem to be more desirable the older they become.

Think of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or Ryan Reynolds. These are all examples of men well above 40, and they all clearly show signs of aging (i.e. gray hair, wrinkles, aging physique, etc.) but they are what society still perceives to be successful “heartthrobs”, or as some people like to say it, dilfs. Now, think of Kirsten Dunst; she’s only 40, but you could never imagine her as the main, hot, beloved darling of any blockbuster movie. She’s younger than the men listed above, but her appropriate and totally natural signs of a life well lived are not acceptable nor attractive to society. This only becomes increasingly obvious when we start to think about the number of “She’s already 30?” posts circulating social media about female celebrities who people are deluded into thinking are “sexy starlets”, even though they look like almost every other 30-year-old woman in the world. And what about the fact that when old men have gray hair and a beard, they’re categorized as “silver foxes”, but when a woman’s hair turns gray, she’s undesirable and a grandma? Whether we like it or not, we have been socialized to think that for women who are growing older, change (especially that concerning physical appearance), is not natural. Even semantically speaking, milfs and dilfs refer to people of different age groups. The dilf is in his mid 40s to 50s, he’s “aged like a fine wine”, and maybe even has a dad-bod. The milf, on the other hand, is a 30, maybe 40-something-year-old Pixar mom with a minuscule waist, and hips that don’t lie.

This double standard slithers its way into many professional settings, too. The plastic surgery and beauty industry, for instance, prey on women who have been told repeatedly that they can’t look a day over 30 and make billions of dollars because of it. Maybe it seems like getting a little botox isn’t harmful, but think of the reason behind it. Do whatever you want to your appearance, sure. After all, no one is here to tell you you can’t – but would you have wanted to change the way you look if society hadn’t bombarded you with subliminal, and sometimes even direct, advertising of an unattainable and toxic beauty standard?

Even more than that is the way race/ethnicity intersect with how the world perceives girlhood and womanhood. Black girlhood, for example, is often not equated to youth in the same way others are. This is because to our society, young Black girls are frequently not seen as girls at all. Rather, they are perceived as grown women and subsequently expected to act like one. They don’t get to feel like, be represented as, or seen as young girls. In movies, they are often not depicted as innocent, pure and youthful the way white children would be. They are instead sassy, grown up, and in some cases, even sexualized. They are “sapphires” and “Jezebels”, but not children. They can never fit into mostly white and Eurocentric beauty standards, even if they physically have some of the desired features. It doesn’t matter what they look like because other people will always automatically perceive them as more mature and adult-like, almost as if they’re not pure enough or traditionally feminine enough to be as protected as the white girls of our society are. Meanwhile, many East Asian women are infantilized and fetishized for their stereotypical baby-faces and youthful or delicate features. Take a look at how people buy sexualized versions of Japanese school-girl uniforms to perform with on their OnlyFans accounts.

The harsh reality is that there is no winning for anybody. If you do get botox and try to stay young, you’re trying too hard and insecure. If you’re acting too childish and innocent, it’s off-putting. If you have a 20-step skincare routine to prevent wrinkles and sun-damage, you’re obsessive and high maintenance. You have to be perfectly young yet also sexy, adolescent yet adult, delicate yet sultry, exotic yet tame, tiny but curvy, non-threatening yet challenging, etc. This judgement doesn’t just exist in the personal sphere of a heteronormative romantic life either, it also affects women in their work lives and communities. If you’re too young, then you’re naive, but if you’re too old, then you need to be caring for your family and children instead of spending time in the office. Then, if you don’t spend as much time in the office, the pay gap is suddenly explained and warranted. How much time do women have to live? It seems like the countdown of when a woman expires to society starts right before puberty and ends right before full adulthood. When is a woman’s prime? Their teens? Their 20s? It’s impossible not to feel the constant fear of getting older when you have no time to enjoy the now. So much of most women’s lives are spent trying to prevent the inevitable, all because we refuse to see women as more than their age.

So, to the rest of us who don’t identify as a man, we are just brought into this world to have to live with the consequences. There’s a quote from Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag that may have been intended as a joke but actually rings true in many aspects, “Women are born with pain built in, it’s our physical destiny.” Whether or not one identifies as a woman, if they are perceived by the world at large as a woman, then they instantly carry the inherent baggage of responsibility. They instantly owe many different things to many different people – they owe marriage to their families, children to their spouses, beauty to the world, etc. Suddenly their value does not come from their own being but from what their body can offer. We are expected to become, as Taylor Swift puts it, “a never-needy, ever-lovely jewel” – an ornament to society.

As a lesbian woman from Southeast Asia, the cultural and societal responsibilities of heterosexual marriage and bearing children are constantly looming over me. Growing up, I was told that producing children was gravely important to my culture and that continuing my family’s bloodline was a must, not an option. Even at 10 years old, dining table conversations would consist of my parents giving my sisters and me advice on what kind of man we should marry and what kind of houses would be most suitable for us and our future kids. I remember attending the funeral of one of my distant relatives once and my mom pointing to people gathering together and celebrating. She said, “Look. In Batak culture, if all the kids of the person who died have successfully built families of their own, then that means the person who died will be happy in heaven and people will celebrate, even if they are dead. Otherwise, the death of the person cannot be celebrated because it can be said that they have not lived their full life.”

On top of that, my parents were not born wealthy. I did not come from a family who could easily pull money out of trust funds and hand it over to me. My parents and their parents had to work tirelessly so that I could have a roof over my head, have food on the table every day, go to good schools and live a successful life. If my grandma can escape from poverty and endure a loveless and abusive marriage just to provide for my mother, and if my parents can sacrifice their health for years just so I could go to a school like UCLA, then why is it so hard for me to just give them one thing back by marrying a good man and having babies that they could hold in the hospital one day? Why is it so hard for me to just not be gay?

This is what the ticking time bomb in my head is counting down towards – the reality that I someday have to look my parents dead in the eyes and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I cannot be the woman you wish I could be. I’m sorry all those years you spent working hard for me have gone to waste. I’m sorry all those prayers for me to stray away from homosexuality never made it to the God I can’t even be sure I believe in. I’m sorry that the world has taught you to believe my identity is an act of defiance. I’m sorry.

That is growing up to me.

—

Today is no longer January 8th, but I dread the day that it will be. I dread the feeling of the cold floor on my no-longer-tiny toes when I get up in the morning. I dread what the mirror in the corner of my room will show me. I dread the lack of party hats and towering cabinets and black coffee tables and pink frosting on cakes. I dread the absence of that ridiculous Snow White banner. I dread the “Happy birthday!” notifications and the recycled ugly pictures posted on friends’ social media accounts. I dread hearing all the same stories of the day my mom gave birth to me. I dread not being able to breathe in the shower. I dread having to hold in tears during phone calls. I dread having to look at childhood pictures thinking “God, when did everything change?”. I am dreading it all because 8-year-old me was wrong: growing up is not growing taller. At least not to me.