#about how they sometimes avoid taking buses because of the anxiety it causes them

[s-une]

my mom always tells me that it's so easy to talk to people and socialize and make friends etc etc. she's like "just talk to them" … ? no? i just. extroverted people will never understand the anxiety that comes with even going outside sometimes.

[poppies-remade]

to me, it feels like fat people want to whine and moan about their situation without recognizing skinny people suffer just as much.

well, allow me to explain my personal experience and beliefs in hopes that i can educate you on fatphobia. (tw for ed, food, and weight). 

i know skinny people suffer. i know they get bullied, insulted, and judged. but they will never be treated as an outcast, because on a societal level they are desirable. they are the epitome of beauty. our models are skinny, our influencers are skinny. everywhere you look you’ll see skinny people. 

meanwhile, fat is used as a derogatory word. an insult to call your friends. something you avoid at all costs, as if it is a plague. it’s the punchline of jokes, it’s the comedic relief character in most shows. you know, throw in a funny fat sidekick and everyone goes wild. that’s how it goes.

personally, i was taught to be ashamed. to be hidden. society says i take up too much space. society says i’m too much. society doesn’t want me to exist in this way. i’m lazy. i’m worthless. i’m not pretty. i’ve never been pretty until i lost weight. but don’t worry, i gained it back again. you know why? i developed binge eating disorder. you know why? because i was fucking ashamed to eat in public.

i still hate to eat in front of people. at school, i would sit and worry that my lunch was bigger than everyone else’s. i couldn’t rest and enjoy a meal out with friends or family. i still feel like a pig for opening my mouth. my parents comment on the snacks and portions i take. meanwhile, they beg my brother to take second helpings. this led to me eating in secret, in my room, late at night. isn’t it ironic that the very thing that caused me to gain weight was the fear of being perceived as fat around other people?

do you know what this has even done to my social anxiety? i want to hide around other people. i don’t want people to even look at me. i mean, fuck. sometimes when i’m depressed about how i look, i shower with a shirt on so i don’t have to look at myself. i don’t want to sit too close to people. what if i squish the person i sit next to on the amusement park ride? do you know the dirty looks i’ve received on buses and planes? what about the breakdowns in store dressing rooms? what about avoiding all hugs and touch? don’t bother coming close.

don’t even get me started on fatphobia and doctors. every single time i go to any health professional, they always blame my problems on being fat. even though my family has a medical history with immune issues. even though i had these issues when i was skinnier. my doctor takes one look at me and disregards everything. it’s always cause i’m fat. i’m depressed cause i’m fat. i’m tired cause i’m fat. i’m in pain all the fucking time cause i’m fat. i can’t get referred to a specialist cause i’m fat. try losing weight and better luck next time!

people, even doctors, are uneducated about this topic. gaining weight = eating more calories than your body burns. those calories could be from anything, not just junk. and yes, some fat people eat WAY healthier than skinny people. maybe they eat too much, but they’re getting nutrients and protein.

last summer i ate healthy, i was fat but i ate no packaged products. i had no dessert, no chips, nothing. i exercised. then, in the fall i started to restrict more and more out of fear. won’t say how little because that’s not the point. but i was very unhealthy, and i got praised. i got fucking praised by my family. people at work congratulated me, while i was trying to be conscious and functioning, since my brain wasn’t working. i couldn’t exercise cause i could barely get up. but sure, that’s healthy for you!

the fat positivity movement can’t even exist without skinny people criticizing it for being exclusive, or fatphobic people wanting us to be shameful of our bodies. they can’t even let us be happy in the body we have. they won’t even let us try.

so, yeah, i take fucking offense when you say that skinny people “have it just as bad”. because you’re wrong. you can argue that when skinny people have to shop at specific stores to find clothes that fit them. you can argue that when people don’t say “we need more people like this” when they see skinny girls eating pizza and wings and donuts. you can argue that when all you see in magazine racks are fat person after fat person after fat person. you can argue that when health officials don’t deem every single one of their medical issues the result of being skinny. you can argue that when every single girl in this world wants to be fat so they don’t feel the way i do, right now.

call it whining and complaining if you want, but skinny people will never know the isolating and acute pain that comes from being fat. the silent and non-silent judgment that fat people witness every day. it's discrimination. it's not the same. it'll never be the same.

[irkajavasdream]

DON’T SMOKE MEDICAL MARIJUANA DAILY OR....

Unless you want Cannabanoid Hyperemesis Syndrome which will come to your house too after 3-5 years on average of daily MM smoking. It’s so much stronger than what used to be, that ER docs kept telling me I had CHS but I didn’t want to believe them. After having to take 5 nausea drugs, the ones they give to cancer patients, a couple few times a week but ending up in the hospital when my meds wouldn’t work, about 1 time per month. After 18 visits I finally bit the bullet. After a horrible visit to the ER where I was treated like a drug seeker since Ativan is the only thing that stopped the dry heaves, vomiting, and nausea, I decided to listen. It’s day 5 after FORTY years of daily use, i am terrified. So far, I have my appetite back and I LOVE how food tastes. It had gotten to the point that I barely could tolerate food, once a day i was somewhat hungry, and ate a decent meal. The other meal a pancake forcedly swallowed with water! So my best friend of 40 years became my enemy and I just couldn’t face it. Now I am. I haven’t been tired earlyish in a long time insomnia kept me up till 5-7 am!! I fell asleep early so far, and yesterday I think I finally sort of had a complete break down and slept all day for like 9 hours. Too tired to do anything. It was so nice to feel sleepy and hungry and my head is SO CLEAR like that said. It was amazing. I am going to a MA meeting today, quite excited. Yay. Be careful, I have lived  2 years with this syndrome and I can’t wait to live life without nausea, cold and hot sweats, weakness, cancelled plans one after another, ER visits that are embarrassing, and the inability to enjoy the high I was getting what was the point. I probably felt high maybe once every few days. Tolerance came in waves, sometimes it was constant, sometimes I had no tolerance and didn’t have to smoke more to enjoy. I thought ok, only 4 puffs at night will do the trick, and I won’t get sick any longer. Nope. I have to quit for at least 90 days to confirm this diagnosis, but I read that once a person with CHS returns to pot, the symptoms come right back. Other people with this illness, in fact most, shower constantly to help symptoms.I get so hot and sweaty that I can’t imagine a hot shower doing anything but make me more sick. Some people shower like all the whole time they are up with exhorbitant electric and water bills. In the ER many patients beg for the shower, saying thier hot water ran out. I don’t have that symptom, nor the pain in my stomach, and most people with CHS do have those symptoms, so I didn’t want to believe I have it. However, at day 5 I feel amazing. AMAZING. Thank you God for helping me get sober from pot. All these months I just kept telling myself “ok, some other thing will show up as what caused this problem I had so many expensive tests done but the ER docs all told me they know what I have. The last experience in the ER made me realize, hey they aren’t gonna keep helping me and they will start thinking I am an ativan addict. Two of them asked that in the last month. Also, when I bouht a vape pen last month instead  of my once a month Er visit, where I can’t get un nauseated with my 5 nausea drugs (what they give cancer patients) and then instead of my monthly visit i had 3 visits in one month!! That was the bottom and proof  for me. That proved I am poisoning my body with marijuana and I have to quit. I have cancelled so much in life due to this constant batttle with nausea and anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety brought on nausea. And vice versa. I know anxiety comes from bud too, but I didn’t want to believe it. I kept telling the ER docs, but I don’t have the shower thing, I don’t have pain in my abdomen. They replied “it can just be nausea and vomiting.” one doc offered to give me capsaisan cream for my belly. I’m like ok, i’m pouring sweat here. Why would I put on something that adds heat? When I got in the room my last visit 4 nights ago the nurse said first thing “if you are here for ativan you aren’t getting it.” I told her it’s the only thing that works when my nausea meds won’t work, and that that is what they have given me in the past. in fact 2 weeks ago at this hospital. She said, “not this doctor!” I had gone to a diff hospital for it 2 weeks prior (trying to avoid being treated like a drug seeker but it didn’t work) so she said that WE just saw you, and now you are back for more ativan? No. It isn’t a nausea drug anyway. I asked for the doc telling her that I forgot to ask him for the Ativan. When he came in and told me let’s start with an IV and some nausea drugs.  She said i will tell him but he’s not giving it to you. For 4 hours I sat in that room with only an IV fluid and half dose of one of the drugs I’d already maxed out on before i came in!! Finally after I’d already rippped out my iv to go to another Er, they said ok, we are gonna give you the ativan. I know it’s because my tests showed my metabolic panel was all out of whack, my heart rate only 45. i was dehydrated too. So I guess since the tests showed i’d taken all the meds i told them, and no drugs in my system but pot, they must have needed that info in order to give me the ativan. Then the other nurse said the doc was going to give it to you but since you ripped out your iv you must feel better. I said no, i just wanted to get started on my wait at ANOTHER ER. I begged to see the doc, told him I’d never ripped out an iv, please help me, i am so sick and I have to wait all over again and drive dangerously to get there, as it had been 17 hours since i was able to eat. He finally gave me a pill form of it, and told security to follow me to make sure I get into a cab so do not drive your car home! It cost 40 bucks for the cab!! Then I had to take 3 buses to get to that hospital next day to get my car in the heat I live in Arizona. I’m sure almost no one read this, but if you did I hope it helps someone else who may be going through the same thing. That visit scared the pot out of me. I will keep getting treated this way if i don’t quit. I realized I’d been lucky I got so much help for this long and NOT treated like a benzo drug seeker but I can’t press my luck. If I am causing my own sickness the empathy is gonna go out the door eventually. I played dumb about CHS every time I was seen, and told them, but i don’t shower for hours and i don’t get stomach or abdomen pain, it cant’ be the pot!! Day 5 and I am SO ALIVE. I hope this helped anyone who may not know why they are so sick. Love you all please pray for me my gorgeous followers. xoxooxoxo The good life is the one without drugs. AT 52 I may finally be able to exercise, sleep, eat and love life. Some things I haven’t been able to do enough, too sick. Not to mention my friends and family and I having to cancel so many plans over and over to where they stopped trying!! Plus since pot tells us, it’s ok to live in my own little world my little bubble no one can come into because it will kill my high and since I am sick all the time i don’t even bother to try to hang out with friends. I am going to a meeting today MA, marijuana anonyomous, finally to be around a group of people with something in common with me, and I cant wait. BTW it usually takes a good 3-5 years of daily use to get this, and if I return to using it will come right back. God Bless You

[darknessismynewfriend]

I Am So Empty I'm Just Running On Fumes

I feel like I can't breath all the time

If I do anything I get reminded of him

If I look at my bed directly on

I remember him laying there as I'm about to lay next to him

If I'm already on, no matter what position I'm in, I can picture him next to me smiling

I look at the T.V I think of how we would always watch movies when he came over

I smell something I get reminded

I sometimes pass a random stranger on the street and smell one of them wearing his cologne

I know logically he's not there but I still look anyways to pinpoint the person wearing a similar cologne

I'm even tempted to go up to them and ask what they're wearing to see if it's the same one he said he wore until it discontinued

That way if it's the same he'll have another bottle and a place to buy it

Or if it's different he'll have a new cologne that smells almost the same

Then maybe when he gets back I could give it to him as a present

Even if we're just friends...

And if I never see him again...

I could have it just for me to smell occasionally when I really miss him

That's another thing

When I went to his house last I was really warm from taking the buses and walking there so I had sweat a lot and made my shirt kinda wet

Then spent the entire time either laying on his bed, cuddling him or hugging him

So inadvertently I had made my shirt smell like him because the moisture soaked up all the scent

A fact I had realized when I came home and changed having pulled the shirt over my head and immediately getting an overwhelming smell of him

Causing me to freeze then press the shirt to my nose

Yeah I know

Amazing how creepy love can make you right?

To add to that I keep the shirt in a safe place so if I actually have the courage to be reminded I can smell it again to reminisce and feel contented by it

It's funny

I didn't realize it at the time but that wasn't the only thing that got his scent on it

About 3 days later I kept smelling him all day in my house

It was driving me fucking crazy!

I couldn't figure out where the fuck it was coming from!

I was already feeling bad enough at the prospect that he didn't want to talk to me at the moment and may never again that remembering him was a difficulty, let alone smelling him everywhere I turned

At one point it got to be too much that I broke down and started to cry, putting my hand to my mouth to stifle the crying, getting the scent once again

I started to smell my hand only to end at the hair tie around my wrist

Belatedly realizing I had wore it around my wrist to his house

I stared to laugh at myself and my own stupidity

I having forgot about it and was starting to think I was going crazy and hallucinating smelling him everywhere

There are certain things I can't do anymore

I can't watch certain movies and shows

Like The Princess and The Frog or one of my favorite movies Strange Magic because those are the movies we watched when he first came over

I can't watch Inuyasha because that's what we watched when we first kissed and decided to date, being each others boyfriend and girlfriend

I can't watch Little Witch Acadamia because I was starting to get him to watch it, reluctantly mind you, but he was staring to like it

I can't watch Hot Fuzz because he was getting me to watch it

I can't watch El Dorado because we watched it when he came over for a date at my house

I can't watch Wakfu because he was trying to get me to watch that too

I can't watch Rio the movie because it reminds me of how he was born in Brazil and how much he loved it there

I'm cautious of Glitter Force and Supernatural because I was going to start getting him to watch that too but never got around to it

I can't watch Deadpool or even look at something Deadpool realated because it reminds me of he and I

I can't look at my own bed because it reminds me of him

I can't look at my drawer holding his sunglasses that he said he would get back next visit because he forgot them

Their glowing metallic yellow eyes shining up at me everytime I look down into the depths of the drawer

I can't look at nor hold the bottle that contains the spell he made for me to help my anxiety lest I want to increase it instead

I have difficulty going to the chinese food place I love at all because everytime he came over we'd get two orders of potstickers and share

I can't watch anything involving addiction, the military; specifically the Marines, anything Brazilian or voodoo or it'll remind me of him and the need to cry will rise yet again, thus I try to avoid them

I can't look at things with weddings because I'm reminded of how he said he might have to propose one day and I tried not to get my hopes up

And failed spectacularly

I can't look at couples, especially if married, whether it be young or old, I'm reminded of how much I loved being with him and wanted to marry him then grow old together

I can't look at babies or toddlers with their parents because I'm reminded of how I was already looking forward to having a baby and raising kids with him

I can't listen to This is America by Childish Bambino because it came out the day he broke up with me

I can't listen to Dua Lipa New Rules or the Cups When I'm Gone song because he sang them a handful of times

I can't listen to Ispy by KYLE or Animal by the Neon Trees because he sang them at the audition I went to with him

I Cant listen to Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra because it fits too well with the situation and makes me slightly hopeful that the males part is true for him too

And I sure as shit can't listen to I Like Me Better by Lauv because it's our song and will overwhelm me with memories of when we first met then got together and how happy we were then immediately break down and cry

I can't take off the braclet he gave to me on my birthday because I feel anxious and scared to lose the last thing he gave to me with love

But on the same coin I can't stare at it too long or I'll start to remember that he said he put as much love as he could into it to show me how he felt which just ends up making me cry because I don't know if I'll ever see him again

My mind is my own enemy

I can't think of the good memories too long or I'll cry for what was and what I may never have again

I can't think of the bad at the very end and how besides those last two days he had never done anything to hurt me before or I'll cry

I can't look at his picture

Or watch his videos

Or I'll cry

I cry for the loss

And for missing him and wanting nothing more than for him to be here so I can hold his face in my hands, kiss him and say how much I love him

I can't look at his Tumblrs

Or his texts

Or Snapchats

Or I'll remember how happy we were and then how he blocked me

Then only reversed it because I begged

How I felt like he was just using me like a toy when I visited his house last because he was trying so hard to be detached

How I want to talk about what's wrong but fear being seen as complaining or a martyr

How I'll cry because it's been a month and I don't know if he'll send me a letter from bootcamp if at all

How I don't know if he'll text or call now that he has his phone since he posted something on Tumblr and that maybe instead he's going to ignore me the entire time which is painful to think on as well

How whenever I see something involving the Marines, addiction, anything Brazilian, or voodoo randomly I'm suddenly stuck to the spot with my throat feeling tight at the sudden reminder of him

I feel empty all the time so I attempt to distract myself

But the problem with that is that I don't want to do anything

I don't want to do chores

I don't want to go out

I don't want to talk to anyone

Even through text

I don't want to play with my dogs

I don't want to draw

I don't want to listen to music

Or watch Youtube

Or T.V

Or Netflix

I don't want to sit

Or sleep

Or eat

Or even live

All I want is him

[sawyer-saucee]

The truth about how I found out I was gay

When I’m telling my story about finding my sexuality and coming out, I waaay oversimplify it to make it fit in with everybody else’s experience. I make it sound like a linear struggle with a happy ending, when it was really a whole lot of back-and-forth for years. I don’t even really remember coming out, at least officially. I just kind of dropped hints until me and my family were on the same page. Even with my friends. It was never really dramatic or emotional, and because of that I feel like I can’t relate to a lot of other LGBTQ+ people and like my voice in a lot of community issues doesn’t really matter, because I “don’t get it.”

So, here’s the real story. Pure truth, and if I can’t remember exactly how something happened, I’ll say so.

I was in sixth grade when I first remember it coming up for me. I was sitting at my lunch table and decided to tell two girls, one of which I didn’t really know, that I had had a crush on a girl before. I don’t know why. I don’t even think I’d had a really memorable girl-crush at that point. Maybe I though I’d be seen as cool or unique for it. Which I’m very ashamed of to this day.

This was received well by one of the girls (who happened to be my best friend) and the other girl went and told two other girls in my class, who weren’t as okay with it. Specifically, I remember coming back from lunch and one of those girls stopping to ask,

“Is it true? That you’re...”

And because I knew what she was going to say, I answered, “Yeah.” To which she proceeded to make a face like she’d just smelled something bad, and then walk away. And that really upset me, because I was sensitive as a kid. I don’t really remember the timeline of events for the rest of that day, but I remember that it ended with me going home crying and “coming out” to my mom as gay. But I don’t count it as a real coming out, because I honestly still didn’t think I was gay. I wrote all of it off as me being dumb and childish and hoped that everyone could forget about it so that I could just go back to being straight, like a “normal person”. But it didn’t, because apparently actions have consequences or something. The girl who stopped me in the classroom must have told her brother about everything that went down. And so, he suddenly decided he hated me. He stopped me out my way out to the buses to tell me that people thought I was a lesbian, but at the time I didn’t actually know what lesbian meant. I don’t really remember anything else from there except that I learned what lesbian meant and that he made fun of me for the rest of the school year. I was not happy about it, but I mostly managed to avoid and ignore him. During the rest of that school year, I realized that I was developing a crush on my best friend, and yes, she was a girl. And it was weird for me, because despite everything that was happening, I still didn’t see it as ‘wrong,’ necessarily. I don’t really remember how I felt about it, honestly, except confused. Mostly because I wasn’t sure if it was actually a crush, or what. (Spoiler alert, it was. Past Sage, you are GAY.)

Enter seventh grade. That year was, in a lot of ways, better than sixth grade. For one, all that sixth grade drama was pretty much gone. We were all in a new school where we barely ever saw our old classmates, and even though I was still pretty embarrassed about what had happened, it wasn’t as big a deal. I didn’t have a crush on my best friend anymore, either. So, things just kind of went back to normal, kind of. But I was still kind of trying to repress it? I don’t know, it was always just something in the back of my mind. And I went through boy-crushes and stuff too, so it was kind of easy to just keep it down. And so, seventh grade was pretty uneventful, all in all.

Now, the summer before eighth grade. I had just moved overseas, and between culture shock and the loneliness of being in a new place, and frickin adolescence, my anxiety was going CRAZY. And, though I’m not sure exactly when it started, I began feeling a whole lot of anxiety around if I was gay or not. Everything that reminded me of anything related to being gay caused me so much anxiety that I had a physical reaction. It would give me that feeling of adrenaline, but kind of different... I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. But it didn’t feel good. And deep inside, I’m sure I did know, but I wasn’t sure. And that was the scariest thing about all of it. I like knowing things. And so when it’s like I’m supposed to know something about myself and I don’t, I just become terrified.

One day, my sisters and I were on the computer in the living room watching random music videos on YouTube, and they wanted to watch Katy Perry’s “Firework” music video. Now, in that video, there’s a scene where two guys kiss at a party. And when I saw it, I started internally freaking out. So, between that and spiraling thoughts of what might happen to me if I kept all of it bottled up, I went to my mom and started a very awkward conversation. I told her that I was worried about being gay or trans or something like that, and she told me that no matter what, she and my dad would love me. And I don’t know if it was how it satiated my fear of rejection or even just the relief of someone else finally knowing, but I started to feel better. And even though I had a ton of other things going on in my busy brain, my sexuality wasn’t something I really worried about anymore. I still was really anxious to have a fitting label and finally figure out who the frick I was attracted to, but it was less stressful than before.

The next year or so is kind of a blur, honestly. Eighth grade went by really fast, and I don’t remember much about it, sexuality-wise.

The beginning of ninth grade is when things started popping up again. I was still so insecure about my sexuality, but I still really wanted to come out to people (because at that point, I was kind of sure that I wasn’t straight, but I was still DEFINITELY in the questioning phase). I honestly don’t know why I wanted come out so badly. The same reason I did in sixth grade? My insane lack of patience?I don’t know.

The timeline of events I’m about to talk about might be completely out of order, but they all happened at some point, so I guess it doesn’t matter that much.

I came out to my group of friends more than once. First to all four of them as a group, very soon after we all met. Then to the two of them I was closest with. I came out to them separately because I wanted to make sure that they got the message and I wasn’t sure they had the first time, since I’d done it with a really out of the blue joke. Anyway, I actually told those two friends twice because my memory was so awful that I couldn’t remember that I’d done it before. Both times, they were super chill about it. Really awkward, but chill. But then, I started having a lot of anxiety over whether or not I was lying. Which is so dumb, right? But it was this huge internalized fear about whether or not I was deceiving people about this really serious thing. Part of it was because I came out to other people before I’d fully come out to myself, and figured myself out. Because I did this, I wasn’t sure if my label was going to change or if the label I’d told everyone I was (bisexual) was even really true. And so even though I lived with that fear, my lack of impulse control led me to come out to my aunt and one set of my grandparents before I was ready. Luckily, they were all really accepting and super cool about it, but then my fear only got worse. I thought, “If I end up figuring out that I’m straight, I’ll be in way to deep to ever say it!”

Spoiler alert, old Sage, YOU ARE GAY. CHILL OUT. But old Sage didn’t know that, and so she dealt with serious self-doubt and anxiety for the next year or so.

The next part of this story takes place online. I don’t really know when this happened exactly, but it was sometime during ninth grade, and maybe even part of the summer before. I joined a social media called Discord and made a lot of friends on there, one of which was a gay girl who I was really close with for a couple months. She asked me what I identified as, and I told her biromantic as almost a cop-out. Like “Haha yeah, girls are cute but I’d only have sex with men haHAA.” She was so cool about it, and through a bunch of conversations and a specific interaction involving her prompting me to draw my dream girl, I told her that she’d helped me reach my epiphany moment and that now I knew I was bisexual. But I was still unsure and I was still afraid of accidentally having lied to everyone, all because I had come out before I was ready and before I was sure.

And so, the anxiety continued. I started feeling anxious whenever I was attracted to a guy, maybe because I thought I wasn’t ‘gay enough’ and I had to only be attracted to girls or mainly to them in order to count. Anything other than gay was ‘cheating,’ I guess. I knew that attraction didn’t have to be 50-50, but it felt like it had to be that or more leaning towards feminine-presenting people in order to be valid. And it doesn’t! But I didn’t know that, and so anxiety stayed.

After that, things get blurry again. I slowly started meeting more people online and just gradually getting more comfortable with myself, and the anxiety kind of started going away a little bit. But then, I met a girl. And I honestly wasn’t sure what I felt for her. I couldn’t differentiate platonic from romantic love, and I was just confused, but because of my desperate need to be ‘gayer,’ I decided that I had a crush on her. Good choice, too. Because turns out, I did. (Guess my anxiety finally did one thing right.) And we started dating. Still though, early in our relationship, I was unsure of my feelings for her and felt even more anxiety because she was so affectionate and if it turned out that I was straight, I would have to break her heart, and I didn’t want to do that. Because as confused and anxious as I was, I knew that I cared about her.

This continued all the way up into February of 2018 where we met in person, and even beyond that. After we met in person, I was more sure of my romantic feelings for her, but all those years of doubt weren’t just going to let it go, so I kept worrying and I kept doubting. After that, it’s another blurry haze.

Now, as I’m writing this, it is July of 2018. It has taken me years, but I’m finally mostly comfortable with myself and the label I’ve chosen. I still have feelings of doubt, but they’re not as loud as they used to be, and it’s nice to finally be pretty much sure of something. I am pansexual, sometimes I say bisexual. I can choose which one I want or even flip back and forth, because I decide what my labels mean to me. I am attracted to people regardless of gender. My attraction to one gender in no way invalidates my attraction to another. I recently attended my first pride, and spent a day with other people like me. We have all struggled, and we’ve all had different struggles, but we all have one thing in common. And that is that we have pushed through, and that we’re going to be okay.

So, that’s the honest story about how I found myself. I left some things out that weren’t super important to the story, and condensed some details that would have made this way too long, but everything that I wrote is true and as I remember it. So, how about two rapid fire things that didn’t really fit anywhere in the story?

1. My parents and family are extremely accepting, and they do a lot to educate themselves, learn from me, and support me.

2. After I realized I was A Homo, I also realized that I have potentially had a gay crush before that I was too young and too uneducated to recognize as one. You never realize how ingrained into our heads heteronormativity is until you look back, honestly.

And that’s it. It was long, it was weird, it was confusing, and it was way more complicated than the simplified version that I normally tell people, but there it is. If you take anything away from all of this, I’d want it to be that it’s okay to be unsure, it’s okay to question for however long you need to, and you are under no obligation to come out to anyone. Do things whenever you’re ready, and don’t forget that no one knows you better than you do.

So, yeah. I just needed to get that all off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

[theseventhhex]

The Gotobeds Interview

The Gotobeds

Photo by Shawn Brackbill

The Gotobeds return to the fray with their third full length, ‘Debt Begins at 30’. The esprit de corps and anxiety-free joy that permeates their other LPs and EPs remains intact. The octane is high-test, the engine still has knocks and pings and the battery is overcharged. The Gotobeds - as Pittsburgh as it gets, the folk music of the Steel City - have more tar for us to swallow. ‘Debt Begins at 30’ is an old-fashioned blast furnace and the liquid iron flows. The album's first single, Calquer the Hound, features guest performances by Kim Phuc singer Rob Henry, and Evan Richards of The City Buses. (The album has guests on all eleven tracks. The song has euphony, a sly bridge, plenty of trademark bash, and a spacey outro. It's a sanguine album opener, more Al Oliver than Starling Marte, to put it in Pittsburgh Pirates terms. ‘Debt Begins at 30’ is an old-fashioned blast furnace and the liquid iron flows… We talk to Eli Kasan about writers block, 80s nostalgia and YouTube binges…

TSH: For your current record ‘Debt Begins at 30’, what sort of experiences and perspectives were you mostly impacted by in the lead-up to this release?

Eli: Most of life’s real shit happened to the four of us both cumulatively and independently. Death, divorce, debt, alcoholism, fatherhood, surprise fatherhood were all on the table before this record. It became a time of great reckoning for us, and one that I’m not sure how we’ll top. It did however come together as a group triumph: we’ve managed to hit the 10 year mark of some of us playing together (in various forms). We also managed to try to distil the feeling of adulthood and its horrors and high-points in a punk record.

TSH: You guys recruited a ton of guests to sing and play alongside you on this release, how pleasing was it to have collaborations leading to such amazing results?

Eli: Well, very pleased that you said amazing results – it still boggles our minds that we were able to pull this off. It always makes it more interesting when you can have some outside assistance from folks you admire so highly. It really began as a joke: we had Joe from Protomartyr sing on a song, the idea being when we would tour together, as we often did, that you would be able to hear that song live with the two voices. While writing this LP, we were all listening to trap mixes, Cary suggested guests on every song and I set about carving space for folks to contribute, both big and small. Every person asked said yes, sans John Sharkey who got busy and missed his deadline - though missed, the song made it out alive.

TSH: Also, which collaboration would you say was most intense and unique?

Eli: Hard to say, as I’m loathe to pick a favourite as they all contribute something worthwhile, though Victoria from Downtown Boys’ contribution is notable here because she was the only person who got a blank check to make something. I gave her the song and my lyric inspiration and told her to make her version, so that was thrilling getting such a killer vocal performance back of which we didn’t direct.

TSH: You’ve previously touched on having a preconceived notion of what you want the band to sound like. How has this outlook evolved over time?

Eli: Interesting question and not one I think we or I’ve ever kept top of mind here. Writing interesting pop songs with junk on top ala the Swell Maps was the only real lodestar, so we’ve maintained that through-and-through. Gavin (our bassist) did describe one thing helpful here: Tfp is our third guitarist and changed the sound markedly because he contributes to songwriting and has a different process than mine. Gavin described Tfp as liturgous and scientific in his chasing down iterations of song before “perfecting” the final product (he is a scientist professionally so this is not a stretch), and I’m much more haphazard to which he called “lightning in a bottle”. Harder to do every time, but a thrill when you do.

TSH: What’s the backstory regarding a track like ‘Bleached Midnight’?

Eli: Funny you ask about this track because it relates to the previous question. This track is all Tfp’s baby as he wrote the entirety of it. It came to us mostly fully formed (sans ending) and we had it earmarked from day one that it would bookened the LP. Alex from Protomartyr heard us playing it on tour with them when it was new and would request it off us, which was very kind. The other interesting thing to note here is that it on the surface lacks a guest contributor. I had writers block shortly before entering the studio, but I chanced upon a book written by a friend of mine. He lived with me off and on, and is a brilliant writer. The title and the chorus are his words – words about being addicted to heroin, but seemed perfect for my “war” story (war on the world, war on the self, war internally, etc.). Think the final track was 4 takes – we had it down.

TSH: Also, what sort of memories come to mind when you assess the track ‘On Loan’?

Eli: I can instantly picture the river by Electrical Audio studio in Chicago where I wrote ½ the lyrics. Writers block and nerves had rendered me useless writing the lyrics to it – I knew the theme was being out on loan as a counterpoint to the theme of ‘debt’. I think I had to sing it in like 20 minutes and I sat down and saw our overflowed ashtray - and wrote damn near all of it. We took a break and walked to the river to try and climb down into some weird tunnel (just for fun) and I wrote the end “the radios thrown in the deep // can’t let the dead see you weep // I want a future worth more than mine” and had to keep reciting them on the walk back to not forget them. Another one of Tfp’s solo writing ventures and a very fine one indeed.

TSH: How key has it been to be humorous and not take yourselves too seriously as a band over the years?

Eli: We take the music and writing seriously but not ourselves, I think it has helped us not develop into entitled assholes. Also, the sheer joy we get from writing and playing live I’d hope comes through since we aren’t people taking themselves too seriously – cause that shit is painful.

TSH: Does it feel at times like you’re competing with the best version of yourselves to get the best possible output?

Eli: More like I’m competing with the best LPs I own and their looking over their shoulder the whole time wondering how much of the store they’re gonna let me steal before stopping me. Trying to top your influences is a heady goal and one you likely will always fail at – but that failure is what makes the interesting stuff happen. I sometimes think the opposite of our best selves: in some ways we’re our worst selves when we’re in the band, having Peter Pan syndrome trying to avoid ageing, drinking heavily as a crutch, and playing loudly to cathartically escape whatever ails us.

TSH: ‘Twin Cities’ was shot entirely on VHS. When you think of 90s nostalgia and VCR reminiscences, what comes to mind?

Eli: That was a happy accident and one that makes sense for 30 year old dudes. Though I’ll quote Lou Reed that “I don’t like anyone’s nostalgia but mine” – I think it’s important to shut the fuck up about this point and I’ll tell you why: when I was a young buck working in a record store I had a friend always chiding us over our 80s hero worship. He would joke “you’re freaking me out! You’re dressed like you went to my high school and you’re buying all these records” – but when you’re a kid that perspective does not matter at all to you, so I try to temper my worst impulses to hate on the current trend of 90s revivalism. My opinion on youth culture is unimportant.

TSH: Speaking of VCR, what led to the following tweet ‘If I had a derby horse I’d name it “My Parents VCR”…

Eli: Haha! Twitter is great, it’s like a landfill, all my old thoughts go there to die, though I’m glad that trivial synapse registered with you, even though I have no idea what I meant by it…

TSH: Whilst on tour, how does the band like to chill out?

Eli: We’re preternaturally mischievous so we’re always getting into some shit to make each other laugh. I’ve had friends in different cities note that when we go somewhere together that “it looks like you like each other” which is something I didn’t realise was missing in other bands. Alcohol is a good lubricant in the van – passes the time. Our van has a high ceiling so you can kind of stand up in the wheel-well by the door - so we stand up and dance a lot. The driver gets choice of music and it’s too varied to note, however, we do have these strange ingrained rituals where when we get 20 minutes out from the venue we have to put on rap music and you have to drink a beer – brings the energy up. We have tons of these strange rituals that spring forth from nowhere and only make sense to us, kind of like a bunch of kids who grew up on a dead-end. If only Azzerad or Bob Mehr would contact us to write a book, we could fill that fucking thing with hilarity and tragedy.

TSH: What did you watch on your last YouTube binge?

Eli: It’s been mainly live Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave interviews and Scatman John’s ‘Scat-man’s World’ which is an insane video that Cary has me obsessed with. Watch it, it’s germane in the way it grows on you and you’ll piss your pants laughing at his scat solo!

TSH: Finally, what’s the most important dynamic you feel as a band you’d like to maintain heading forward?

Eli: Managing interpersonal bullshit to keep the squad getting along (which is fairly easy). We all like and buy new music and aren’t curmudgeons about the best stuff already being written, so I think that keeps us vital. Wouldn’t hire a member that didn’t do that.

The Gotobeds - “Twin Cities”

Debt Begins at 30

[kythe42]

Today has just been a crappy day overall and I need to vent about a few things.

Today I went to see a new specialist because my ENT hasn’t been having much luck treating some of my symptoms(intense ear/sinus pressure sometimes with nausea/dizziness that comes on due to various triggers, but sometimes a specific trigger can’t be identified), and he wanted me to see an allergist that also has an immunology speciality.

The doctor himself was friendly enough, but I was less than impressed with the way that office was run. First of all, I was already annoyed that I had to be there much earlier in the day that I wanted to be. It’s very difficult to get myself moving in the morning, and having to rush around early to get ready to leave the house when I’m barely awake is very anxiety provoking. I know that this is my problem and not theirs, but it just sucked that it was the only time that really worked logistically.

So anyway, after they finally called me back, they wanted to do a lung function test, which I hadn’t been expecting, but I’ve done them plenty of times before, so it didn’t seem like a big deal, Unfortunately, my results on those tests vary depending on where I have it done. My results have always sucked at the ENTs office, but done at the pulmonologist’s office my results would be fine because different equipment was used. So the equipment they had was similar to what was used at the ENTs office and therefore my results sucked. They wanted me to use an inhaler and then redo the test. The inhaler they wanted me to use is one that I’ve had bad reactions to and I even stated so on the new patient forms which I submitted online several days before my appointment. So they knew it was listed as a drug allergy, and they knew which inhaler I normally use from talking to me on the phone. If they didn’t have my inhaler brand in the office, and had no plans to obtain it, they should have contacted me to make sure that I had my own with me. I did have mine with me, but since I haven’t needed it in over a year, it was expired and they wouldn’t let me use it for the test. If I knew in advance that I’d be needing it, I would have gotten it refilled from the doctor that prescribed it. The allergist said he’d call in a prescription for me so we could redo that test on my next visit. I told him my insurance wouldn’t cover it without prior authorization, and he said he’d just call it in anyway and then if it was rejected he’d do the prior authorization. I don’t know why he couldn’t just do it to begin with. I’m like 90% sure it’s going to be rejected because it’s a more expensive inhaler. It’s like he’s wilfully choosing to waste time.

Anyway, after the lung function test, I had to wait in the back waiting room outside the doctor’s office(separate from the front waiting room in reception) and shortly after sitting down back there, I started having a reaction to something, and the same sort of reaction that I was going there to get a second opinion about. I got this intense pressure in my ears that was really painful, and I was starting to feel a bit nauseous and light-headed. I didn’t think I smelled anything, but I asked some of the staff if there were any air fresheners around, and they said no, that it was against office policy and that they weren’t allowed to wear perfume or anything. Looking around I really couldn’t find anything that I thought would be the culprit. I started wondering about the potted tree at the end of the hall because I read that mold can grow on the soil of potted plants, but if that was the problem, there’s a good chance it would be a problem with the potted plants at home, too, so I ruled that out. Honestly, it could have been from some product that another patient was wearing earlier. The smell might have faded, but remnants of the chemicals could have still lingered in the air for hours afterwards.

I never did figure out what it was, but as I was checking out, I saw a sign on the wall next to the reception desk that I hadn’t noticed earlier which asked patients to refrain from wearing perfume/cologne. I said to the receptionist that I just noticed the sign and I never wear that stuff cause I’m allergic, but I wanted to know why no one had informed me not to wear that stuff before I came to the office. I said that a fragrance free office policy doesn’t really work if people aren’t notified before they get there. She said that they just hoped people would see the sign and then refrain from using those products the next time they came in. I seriously wanted to facepalm at that. I told her that they really should inform people before they come in so that they don’t trigger other patients. She said they’d take that under advisement, but I don’t have much confidence that anything will get done. Just my best working theory is that I was reacting to some product another patient had been using that lingered in the air after they left, since I’ve found no other explanation, and it just sucks that I have to be afraid of getting sick in an allergy clinic because they really aren’t enforcing their own policies.

Then backtracking a bit when I had the skin prick test done, I didn’t really react to anything other than the control prick. This really isn’t a good test for me since out of the other three times I’ve had this test done, I only actually had skin reactions to allergens once despite the fact that I’ve been having reactions to things like grass, mold, and dust for well over a decade. The last place I had it done performed an additional intradermal test were they actually injected the allergens deeper under the skin. I assumed that this was going to be done today since they told me I had to be there for three hours, but nope, I have to come back next month for that. So I’m really pissed off about that. not just at the inconvenience of having to come back, but because I’ll have to go off of my allergy meds again and suffer again for several days with painful pressure between my eyes and the nausea that goes along with it. The doctor suggested switching to another med that I only have to stop three days before the testing, and I guess I’ll try it, but I don’t know yet how effective it will be for my symptoms, and the best case scenario is that I’ll still be suffering for a few days when this could have and should have been taken care of today.

So yeah, this clinic just really didn’t make a good first impression on me overall, but unfortunately it was the only one I could find in the area that accepted my insurance, and I’d have to go a lot further to find someone else that does. Here’s hoping they can actually figure out a way to help me after all of the testing is done because it seems I’m having more and more problems, both at home, and out in public. I won’t hold my breath, though.

Then, as if my day wasn’t crappy enough, there was an incident with the medical transportation service I use. The company has been made aware that I have a severe allergy to fragrances, and that air fresheners are not to be used on the buses that I’m riding. So I got on the bus after it arrived at the clinic and didn’t see any air fresheners. I did think I smelled something off, but I wasn’t really sure so I didn’t say anything. Then after being on the bus for awhile I started feeling really ill. I got that severe pain in my ears, I became nauseous, and at some point my eyes started burning and my throat felt a bit tight. I told the driver that I was feeling really sick and asked if there were any air freshers on the bus. She said there was before but she took it down. I said so it’s not on the bus anymore? She said that it was in the trashcan. I told her that there was no difference between having the air freshener in an open topped trashcan and having it hanging up and that really there shouldn’t have been any air fresheners on the bus at all that day before I got on, because the smell tends to linger in and enclosed space. Actually, putting it in the trashcan was worse because it wasn’t visible to me, so I got on the bus without even knowing what I was walking into. The driver actively tried to hide the fact that it was there. She then snapped at me that I’d been added to her schedule last minute and that she had no where else to put it. Really, if she saw on my file on her tablet that I had this allergy and that there was air freshener on the bus, she should have called dispatch to tell them that she couldn’t take me and to have them get another driver to come. I said that I was feeling really sick like I was about to throw up, and that I couldn’t be on the bus with that thing. So she agreed to bump me to the top of the list before the other passenger on the bus and took me home first.

She did apologize after taking me home, and all I could really say was that she should have informed me of the situation before I got on so that I would have had the option to refuse the ride. She said she’d do that next time. I don’t know, I guess it’s just stupidity/lack of common sense on her part, but the fact that she knowingly let me get on the bus with an airborne substance she knew I was allergic to feels like assault, especially since it’s much more serious than a case of the sniffles. I’m definitely going to be filing a complaint about this, but I’ll probably hold off until I can speak to my social worker tomorrow, since I’ll probably come off way too abrasive if I try to do it on my own. I feel like the way they do things, they really aren’t going to be able to keep me safe unless they flat out ban air fresheners on the buses. It’s just too hard for them to try to make sure there aren’t air fresheners on the specific buses I’ll be on for any given day, especially if they keep changing the schedules around last minute.

Just I need them to take this more seriously. I am in the process of trying to see if there are other treatments for this sort of reaction, but so far I’m just being told to avoid my triggers by every doctor I’ve consulted about this over the years, because each exposure is just going to make it worse. Really, it’s a toxic reaction that affects the nervous system instead of or in addition to an allergy, but most people don’t understand what that means, so I just say allergy even if that doesn’t really explain the whole story. I rely heavily on this service to be able to get to doctor’s appointments, and I need to be able to ride the buses without being poisoned. If I have to, I might even try to get the American’s with Disabilities Act involved. I just know it’s probably going to be an uphill battle. I practically had to threaten them with a lawsuit just to get them to make any effort at accommodations to begin with after I nearly ended up in the ER after being trapped on a bus with multiple air fresheners.

I’m sure it sounds unreasonable to people that I’m putting all of the burden on others to keep me safe, but honestly I’m doing all I can do on my end and it isn’t enough. I do have meds I can take to deal with the asthma portion of the reaction, but it doesn’t help with the other stuff, and I can’t avoid exposure like my doctors keep telling me to if I don’t have cooperation from other people. I can’t even try to protect myself by wearing a mask because once hot humid air builds up inside of the thing from my own breath, I can’t breathe with it on. Maybe an oxygen tank/mask that would keep bringing me a supply of cool fresh air would help, but my insurance isn’t going to cover that, and I’m not sure I’d even be able to lug something like that around without help.