#about being too nice
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you know, you know. no gods, no masters, no kings on pedestals. everyone is fallible. death of the author. you know! you are balanced about your intake of media - you allow the wiggle room, the grace, the gratitude, the skepticism. nobody above criticism.
but still. a weird gut-punch feeling, something akin to betrayal. you read the article. surprise! an author you love is actually: a serial fucking predator.
well, shit. what now. no, you knew he was a person (all people are), but now you're wondering - what have i overlooked by accident? what messages have i internalized that are strange and cruel? and also, like, what the fuck?
his actions lay a thick glaze on top of everything. like each place is now ruined, opaque in a new way. but okay, fine, you've done this before. you knew better, right? you've been betrayed by many a cherished childhood author.
still, this stickiness. fuck. can you pick up that book again. will you read it to your children. you've recommended it to others - will you ever do that again? and of course, of course, no parasocial relationships. you were theoretically above this kind of sentiment. but the artist informs the art, right.
so it's not something as clear-cut as feeling he owed you, specifically (a stranger) better behavior - just that you kind of, in a distant and odd way... sort of trusted him to do better. it's not like a real trust or something speakable, just the faint hope that the product (good books) was a thin representation of the soul. now it feels like the product (good? books?) was a mask. in some small or insignificant way, your previous support of this person lent them power. your money and your time and your laughter.
and the thing is - you have this terrible, echoing sensation. how many times will this happen? over and over. you find out that the singer you love is actually a predator. you learn over drinks that your favorite high school english teacher is in jail for what he did to her. you listen to the news idly and suddenly discover that a woman you used to idolize has been abusing her kids for an actual eon.
what can you touch without the static melting off. you can't even really complain about it too much (you were supposed to know better, and besides, you don't want the same re-split "it's not your fault, love what you love" basic advice), but now it's here. somehow, it feels like - you let him into your life.
it's not that things need to be pure or an artist has to be like, endlessly perfect, mindful. demure. it's more just this terrible truth that has been replayed through your veins so often it feels criminally vain. power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. did you want any one person to be worth that power?
it's just that he wrote books where he seemed to understand that. he seemed to know about hierarchies and unfair systems and bigotry and privilege. you thought they were books about what it means to struggle. you thought they were about having power and still using it for good rather than for control. he spooned you a narrative of being a good guy, a kind soul. you fucking bought what that fucking monster sold.
maybe that's why they were fantasies, after all.
#spilled ink#warm up#oh im .... sick to my stomach.#i talked to him. like ....... we talked. that man interacted with my poetry and writing.#that article.... gutwrenching. i am so sorry to everyone he's ever even been in the room with.#i feel.... like... unbearably. sick.#he acted like he was cool and friends with me!! we were cool internet writers together!!!!!#i feel sick for even having been polite to him.#i ...... am experiencing something so fucking complicated.#i wonder how many of u are feeling that too. like ''oh i sent him an ask and he was funny and sweet''#THATS HOW THEY GET U. ..... and YES I KNOW!!!#i am so fucking well-read about parasocial relationships. it would just be nice to like. trust that someone ISNT#hiding a huge fucking background of BEING A COMPLETE MONSTER. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.#by the way i am not part of a fandom. this is “what the fuck i accidentally supported a rapist” not#“but my showww”. like i care far more about like. the human cost.#but also like... people are people. idk i saw a take on here about how nobody should mourn the books#and idk. people almost always reply to any scenario with their personal experience first -#''i knew him'' or ''wow i was just at that store'' or ''i grew up there'' or whatever. because that is how we establish connection &#emotional weight. that's just... a person thing. and there is a difference between 'oh this guy is a monster'' & the feeling of:#he's been a monster and i SUPPORTED THAT. i CELEBRATED him. i !!! a fucking victim myself!!!!!!!!! SUPPORTED . HIM.#i am sick. i feel so much pain for her and everyone he's ever hurt. saying ''the books are ruined'' is i think ... like how people say#they're shocked and disgusted by him. (obviously there's nuance here. im sure there's some creep doin it wrong. but u know. in general)#idk..... im an author. i understand my work is in your life in whatever small way. i understand that connection. it's real.
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You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side
#m/cc#mine#I tried extremely hard to word this nicely because I KNOW people don't mean bad and often even know there are unique challenges#and believe me I know the challenges of invisible disability too!!#I have invisible disabilities!#but as someone who has also been at least visibly 'off' since they were 10 I am SO SICK of invisible disabilities being hailed as like#a unique extra oppression that us lucky visibly disabled people don't have to deal with#there are challenges to invisible disabilities that visibly disabled people DON'T have to deal with!#but you need to understand that *the reverse is also true*#there are MASSIVE benefits to being able to lie about your disability for example#or not dealing with the overt ableism that comes with your disability being obvious to everyone#*I do not have the option to pretend I'm not disabled.* that is never an option I have#I walk weirdly. I use a mobility aid now. my speech and face are 'off.' I lean to one side#for a long time I wore sunglasses 24/7 and often didn't make sense. I sometimes can't speak or won't react to others#for the most part people will always know that at the very least something is wrong with me#and more obviously I have people telling me they'll pray for me; telling me I can't do things I'm already in the process of doing;#wanting to shake my hand to tell me I'm an inspiration for not killing myself; giving me dirty looks for existing in public#and yes. I'm aware that this is very much an in-community issue. I know the average abled person doesn't know invisible disabilities exist#that's why there's so much awareness happening for it#but as a visibly disabled person I get SO TIRED of constantly hearing 'I wish my disability was visible :'('#it's just 'I wish I had your disability!' but from other disabled people
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corvidae
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#blood/#yuuji#im not tagging this as spoilers idc sue me . iykyk but i dont think it's obvious enough at all 2 warrant the tag#idrk what this is sorry ive been having a hard time drawing n feeling inspired lately :'>>> so it goes#i find i tend to default to drawing birds when that happens ???#did it with gojo did it with shiro and now it's yuuji's turn ig#sometimes it's helpful to just . mess around with a whole bunch of brushes until something looks ok#and birds and feathers lean soooo well 2 playing around w brushes theyre very forgiving#flowers also kind of so i threw in some camellias bc i figured why not add More Red#i think they mean something that's probably relevant but i was more looking fr the shape of the petals#th rounded tops blend rly seamlessly with the way i rendered th feathers so i am like!!!! nice#just checked also apparently red camellias just mean love and devotion lmao should have guessed#'perishing with grace' also hm hm hm that's kind of wild with th crows#anyway i didn't put too much thought in2 this one so i won't talk fr ages about the symbolism it's all pretty much right there#anyway ty fr being patient with me im sorry draws have been slow :<#ill come out of it ill bounce back!
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you’ve changed (for the better)
for @where-does-the-heart-lie ‘s fighting game au I love ur designs I love them dearly
#og art#one piece#roronoa zoro#tony tony chopper#hhehehehe the pookiesssss#this was originally going to just be the bottom image but then I got too comfortable with the colors and wanted to explore#the idea of Zoro aka norm .l guy™️ ever being best buddies with the little guy that not only has ears but wings sprouting from his head#is everything I could’ve ever wanted#zoro’s main heart being on his elbows gives such nice contrast to chopper basically wearing it like a casual shirt to the store#being with people u care about and making new connections that inspire change in you bring out the best of you. something something#whery thank you for the food it was a delicious meal#now that I have clarity putting more hearts on zoro! was v fun it’s been a while since I drew glasses
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i just think that eddie gives the weirdest compliments & steve has a huge embarrassing crush on him
eddie: i want to remove your brain and keep it in a jar.... make a soup from all your thoughts...
steve, blushing: oh uh. you do?
eddie: yes but first i'd poke your brain with sticks. see what happens.
#steve's too scared to confess because he's never sure if eddie is joking or being genuinely nice or just being mean#steddie#stranger things#eddie's brain: he's so interesting. he's so much more than i ever realized. i want to know more about him#it's such a privilege to get to know someone like steve#eddie's mouth: soouuuupppp :)
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Look what we've become.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#Initially I wanted to do a 'Mutiny' quote to follow the 'Luck runs out' quote.#But the musical earworms demanded a different blood to be drawn. And I think it works just as well.#Alright. It's time to confess something. I really struggled with this comic. I didn't want to draw it. Then I didn't want to upload it.#Because I knew I would be here in the tags writing and backspacing for hours trying to articulate my thoughts.#I'm going to talk about death and grief in the tags today so this is your WARNING to look away if you aren't in a headspace for it.#Sometimes in media there are scenes and characters which land on topics so specific to your wounds that it reopens them all over again.#Because here's the truth. When you've known someone like this for nearly your whole life...it doesn't matter how bad the fight is.#You always think 'We'll always have time. One day this dust will settle and we'll rebuild the bridge.'#And then the fucker dies!!! He dies and suddenly there will never ever be time to repair the rift.#Someone you loved died thinking you hated them. And part of you did just a bit. But love and hate aren't mutually exclusive.#He's fucking dead and you are left with so many broken and unfinished pieces between the two of you.#Jiang Cheng loses Wei Wuxian thinking that WWX thought they hated each other.#He's a younger brother who will one day be older than the person he lost.#Who has no one else in the world who understands those feelings of love and hate and grief.#I can't be normal about this character. I don't think he even heals me. Zero catharsis to be gained here.#I just look at his sour grape ass and think 'shit that's a little too close to home.' JC is my discomfort character.#I'm probably going to regret being this vulnerable in the tags in like. An hour. So. sorry if you see this once and never again.#EDIT: Yeah sorry this took 4 hours to muster the courage to post. Surprise update!#EDIT 2: You guys were being too nice to me on my sad comic to point out the spelling error. I have fixed it now B'*)
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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While denial is common in Jamiyuu ships, Mayu has a very specific flavour of denial
#my art#twisted wonderland#twst#jamil viper#jamil viper x yuu#twst oc#oc#shiokawa mayu#jamimayu#girl who is really honest abt her own feelings but shy about others liking her#vs#guy who will be on the receiving end of all this#yet make every excuse along the lines of#maybe shes just being nice#maybe shes this way with me bc im the only person around thats demure and mindful and responsible and would never take things the wrong way#bye i cant deal with them#bet he fishes for compliments too
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dads and the pet they didnt want
#limbus company#yi sang lcb#outis lcb#scribbles#i love that theyre always lide side-by-side in a lot of their ids. its really really cute#i wonder if she actuslly likes him but is allergic to being nice to any of the other sinners nc she has to stay in Militant Mode#yi sang is extremely reliable. im sure hes the kind of guy she would love to have as a second in command were he less. frail?#i think she likes ishmael too even if they butt heads on techniques#same with ryoshu. i wonder if she likes them a little bit. just a bit.#shes gonna get home and brag about them to her wife and theyre all gonna be like '???'#doing sm more sketches testing out sm new assets etc etc etc#i rlly need to draw outis more shes got the kind of design i would make and shes super funny#shes like rodion where ppl are rlly sleeping on them as characters
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sorry i keep being an Angry Jew on main. unfortunately there is a lot to be angry about as a jew
#sighhhhyg#i don’t like. talking about antisemitism#more than snyone else does#its not fun#makes me feel. really shitty actually.#would be nice if people didnt hate me for being born#but that might be too much to ask for#antisemitism#the jews are tired#jumblr#i say on main as if i have a sideblog for this. i dont
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can you even imagine what a fucking horror show the early game is from spite's perspective, though. not only is this funky forcibly severed little slip of the fade having to deal with the reverse cosmic horror of physical reality as perceived by a spirit and being trapped in it against its will -- existentially confused and disoriented and hurting and nothing makes any kind of sense, at the mercy of human cruelty at its most deliberately sadistic. and then the one source of comfort and compassion and some kind of safety and clarity that lucanis surely must have been to him in the ossuary despite everything just goes and shuts himself in his room inside with a seemingly passive aggressive number of locks between them and no explanation and won't speak to him and they're STILL in the fucking ossuary. rook came and found them and they could be free now (rook is here!) and still lucanis keeps them in the ossuary even though he PROMISED he promised they'd get out of there together!!! what the fuck DO you think at that point? like did he trick me that whole time??? he wasn't like zara before, so why is he doing this to me now? why isn't he saying anything? 'he won't move. I can't reach him'. at least in the ossuary they had a deal, a goal, a hope -- each other. at least he wasn't entirely alone, before.
this poor poor poor little spite spirit really was ferried into the real world like 'hey welcome to reality! as your first introduction to it you're first getting horrifically tortured and then getting to vicariously experience one of THE most distressing and harrowing psychological conditions the human brain can cook up for itself (a fully fledged and deeply entrenched freeze response flaring up with catastrophic severity due to an unbroken ongoing and unlikely to let up any time soon chain of Unfortunately... Recent Events). I think spite is being extremely reasonable and patient about the whole thing, when you put it into perspective. I'm not saying let him eat the self-lighting candles or anything, but he's got some extremely valid points along the way lol. spite is not only child-like, the metaphor work going on is a lot more pleasingly flexible and complex than that, but he is also helplessly existentially dependent on lucanis in a way that, if anything, is a heightened version of the way a child (or child part) has to depend on a parent to navigate the world and survive.
tl;dr: we truly don't give enough sympathy to spite for having to live in the head of lucanis dellamorte. a place even lucanis dellamorte would prefer not to be. to be fair to him I think lucanis would be the first person to agree with this lol
#it's a lot like it would be if a spirit possessed me I suspect. like sorry you're in here too now I've tried to get out myself but no luck#possessor's remorse#spite very much did not have a choice in all of that he's just working with the hand he's been dealt here lol#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#spite#lucanis dellamorte#spite is such a little gremlin but looking at what's going on from his pov for even like a split second is so heartbreaking haha#one of my favourite parts of their relationship is that there clearly is affection of some sort on both sides even at the beginning#beneath the resentment and confusion and fear and mutual frustrations there is also real and enduring care#the fact that lucanis is genuinely kind and spite is genuinely loyal in his spirit-y way. I just. I need a moment.#the nice thing about playing a mourn watcher is that it's easy to imagine rook sort of glimpsing the outlines of some of this#and being quite understanding with spite even as they don't want to be invasive or step on lucanis' still-tender trauma toes about it#be nice to spite. like all of us he is Going Through it fr fr perhaps even more so. and he doesn't even get to have FIRE 😔#*grumbly spite voice* I hate this fucking family
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Oh, Aang, you're really in it now...
This is Zu—I mean, Jian Li and Katara's second meeting in the Kyoshi Warriors AU. The first proper one, anyway.
Once they get through a minor difference of opinion or two (“I can carry my own basket!” “Never said you—” “I'm not weak!” “I didn't—” “Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean—” “Would you listen for once, woman?!” ) they'll become nearly inseparable.
For now Jian Li will carry Katara's basket all the way to the Kyoshi Warriors' dojo and, once there, they'll mercilessly tease Sokka when they see him in uniform.
#zutara#atla#zuko#avatar the last airbender#katara#kyoshi warriors au#atla art#atla fanart#prince zuko#katara of the southern water tribe#kyoshi warrior ursa au#kyoshi warrior zuko#zutara fanart#zutara au#zuko fanart#atla zuko#katara fanart#kyoshi warriors#kyoshi island#They're a complete menace once they get going. Breaking hearts all over the Earth Kingdom and turning Sokka's hair grey prematurely#Aang is just a little puppy who made a few sarcastic remarks at the wrong time. But it got Zuko thinking out loud so that works too#Katara heard him and while she very secretly agrees (what did he mean “that doesn't sound like fun either”? He should've helped her!)...#she's also the Avatar's number one defender and needs to protect his honor. Agni bless the child.#And then poor Zuko offers to carry her basket because he's seen her do all the work alone and the freaking Avatar has just refused to help#And momma Ursa raised a gentleman. So of course he wants to help!#But Katara's had to deal with Sokka's “traditional views on women” all the way to Kyoshi and Aang is busy with his little fanclub#And now this extremely handsome stranger who's really just trying to be nice (he's also so awkward it's adorable) offers to carry her basket#And he's being really nice and sweet and considerate about it damn it#Of course she snaps!#She still thanks him for his help tho. Once they absolutely murder Sokka with their teasing they become a package deal.
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in a mood (ID in alt)
#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun#trigun maximum#doing straight up nothing with the bestie. really good activity of doing nothing#i mainly drew this just so i can test how itd be not drawing their faces bc i Love drawing their faces a little too much.#maybe ill throw them in a more intense situation next time i try it bc it just ended up focusing on wolfwood and his silly newspaper#he's reading the news... cruel happenings all around no mans land... have to keep up to know where to go next and where to avoid#but theres also some guy in the same room being distracting as hell. i think they can coexist without bothering each other but theyd#be so painfully aware of the other person... both of them usually have tended to their own space after all for years. ww especially i think#would be easily distracted with vash's presence bc he's spent 2 years thinking about him already (for his mission...)#and thinking about vash is a Little easier than dealing with his personal anguish#though it can definitely overlap too. and sometimes its not that bad. sometimes its just vash's hand feeling unexpectedly nice and gentle#ruporas art
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You should totally have Jeremy meet the gang if you haven't already!
I definitely should, so far this is the only time I’ve drawn him in the comic!
#ask reply#TBH NGL I’m kinda waiting for some news on fnaf 2#before totally jumping into drawing Jeremy a ton#mostly cause it would be nice to know some info to work with#but also means more attention would be on Jeremy too#like in all consideration Jeremy is actually a very niche character 😭#despite being a main protagonist we’ve only gotten maybe some info about him recently#so I really wanna draw Jeremy but I also want to do it at the right time#want people to know this guy BAHAH#Jeremy my beloved you’ll have your day in the sun
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Goodbye Yellow Brick Road! bonus:
#AU where tommorrow tea never happen and the golden power is a bit out of control for sure#lloyd garmadon#ninjago#ninjago lloyd#my art#lego ninjago fanart#If this isn't my last art of the year I'll actually knock myself out#golden ninja#golden lloyd#minus tommorow tea I guess#The power and his eyes being sort of a mix of all the elements is the best thing I've done actually#HE'S SO ADORABLE#hes just a smol bean#Rendering gold is actually awful#IT LOOKS NICE BUT#I have gotten better tho I feel like#this boy's too young to be singing the blueeeessss#Do you guys ever think about how mentally he was like this#I do#alot#lego ninjago
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💛 The "Heartless" community tab just got approved! 💛
I still don't know a ton about Tumblr's community feature, but I will be sharing my future (and maybe re-sharing some past? 👀) Heartless posts into here from here on out!
Y'all are very welcome to join this space if you'd like a focused lil' community timeline to enjoy everyone's Heartlessposting in! (^^)/
#abd illustrates#heartless#abd heartless#thanks for y'all's patience while this was being approved#i said as much in my pinned post over there but I'll try not to poke my head in there too often#cause i worry about folks feeling self conscious if im like lurking XD#but! i hope that this can be a nice lil space for y'all to have fun in! (^^)/#and hopefully it wont be too much of a jumpscare when i do sometimes pop in to go AYO cause yall make such cool stuff xD
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