#about : cameron yoon

[nepoupdates]

who's family would be the most interesting to watch if they were on reality tv?

alright  ,  here  are  my  top  three  contenders:  the  yoons  ,  the  grimaldis  ,  and  the  sinclairs  . 

THE  YOONS  (  @dearpaige  ,  @teagvns  ,  @wcrstbehaviior  ,  @drearieds  ):  i  think  theirs  is  the  most  intriguing  .  three  kids  and  the  mom  just  up  and  leaves  for  paris  after  paige  ?  no  divorce  .  just  living  her  life  in  europe  while  the  father  is  here  operating  his  plastic  and  reconstructive  surgery  clinic  .  coupled  with  the  fact  that  paige  looks  nothing  like  teagan  or  cameron  .  not  to  mention  ,  eight  is  always  tense  around  the  father  .  i  sense  a  very  interesting  story  (  but  let  me  be  the  first  to  break  it  and  the  reality  show  can  follow  )

THE  GRIMALDIS  (  @delicatlueur  ,  @concertaes  ):  okay  maybe  not  the  entire  family  but  definitely  one  centered  around  julien  and  percy  .  i  think  it  would  be  entertaining  to  watch  one  of  our  resident  bottle  blondes  live  it  up  like  paris  hilton  in  2003  .  and  for  percy  ?  she's  not  in  monaco  for  a  reason  ,  right  ?  there's  gotta  be  something  behind  it  .

THE  SINCLAIRS  (  @rubyxsinclair  ,  @natesinclairs  ):  who  says  golden  sibling  +  resented  sibling  won't  make  for  great  television  ?  i'd  personally  like  to  see  it  .  ruby  isn't  as  squeaky  clean  as  everyone  thinks  .  and  nathaniel  ?  well  surely  he'll  get  tired  of  being  overshadowed  by  his  sister's  scandals  .

[specialagentartemis]

godddddd i have disliked becky chambers' work since long way to a small angry planet and I agree that that fish scene is SO much of what is wrong with contemporary SFF especially queer SFF. refreshing take, great review, thank you. would love to hear what authors or works you think of as the antidote to that sensibility.

The thing is, I enjoyed The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet when I first read it - it was a fun, light adventure, clearly a debut novel but I was excited to see where Chambers would go from there. And I actually really do think the sequel, A Closed and Common Orbit, was good! It did interesting things with AI personhood and identity.

... and then Chambers just kinda. Did not get better. She settled into a groove and has a set number of ideas that I feel like she hasn't broken out of, creatively. And they I M O kind of rest on an assumption that "human nature" = "how people act in suburban California."

As an antidote to that sensibility, I'd say... books where people have a real interrelationship with the land they inhabit, a sense of being present, and reciprocal obligations to that land; books that recognize that some things can never be taken back once done; books with well-drawn characters, where people have strong opinions deeply informed by their circumstances, that can't always be easily reconciled with others, and won't be brushed aside; books where these character choices matter, they impact each other, they cannot be easily gotten over, because people have obligations to each other and not-acting is a choice too.

And it's only fair that after all day of being a Hater I should rec some books I really did like.

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke - A man lives alone in an infinite House, over an equally infinite ocean. Captures the feeling that I think Monk & Robot was aiming for. Breathtaking beauty, wonder at the world, philosophy of truth, all that good stuff, and actually sticks the landing. The main character's love, attention, and care to his fantasy environment shows through in every page. (Fantasy, short novel)

Imperial Radch by Ann Leckie - An AI, the one fragment remaining of a destroyed imperial spaceship, is on a quest for revenge. Leckie gets cultural differences and multiculturalism, and conversely, what the imposition of a homogeneous culture in the name of unity means. (Space sci-fi, novel trilogy)

Machineries of Empire by Yoon Ha Lee - An army captain's insubordination is punished by giving her a near-impossible mission: to take down a rebelling, heretical sect holing up in a space fortress and defying imperial power. She gets a long dead brain-ghost of a notorious criminal downloaded into her head to help. Very, very good at making you feel like every doomed soldier was a person with a past, with a family, with feelings, with hopes and dreams and frustrations and favorites and preferences and reasons to live, right before they brutally die in a space war. Also very much about the imposition of homogeneity of culture as a force of imperialism. (Space sci-fi, novel trilogy)

The Fortunate Fall by Cameron Reed - Maya Andreyevna is a VR journalist in high-tech dystopian future Russia, and she decides to investigate the truth that the government doesn't want her to. She might die trying. It's fine. Also has digital brain-sharing, this time in a gay way. It's bleak. It's sad. It feels real. Not making a choice is a choice. Backing out is a choice. And choices have consequences. Choices reverberate through history. About responsibility. (Cyberpunk, novel)

The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez - Nia Imani is a spaceship captain, a woman out of time, a woman running from her past, and accidentally adopts a boy who has a strange power that could change the galaxy. Spaceship crew-as-found-family in the most heartbreaking of ways. Also about choices, how the choices you make and refuse to make shape you and shape the world around you. How the world is always changing around you, how the world does not stay still when you're gone, and when you come back you're the same but the world has moved on around you. About how relationships aren't always forever, and that doesn't mean they weren't important. About responsibility to others. It's a slow, sad book and does not let anyone rest on their laurels, ever. There is no end of history here. Everything is always changing, on large scales and small, and leaving you behind. (Space sci-fi, novel)

Dungeon Meshi / Delicious in Dungeon by Ryoko Kui - A D&D style fantasy dungeon crawl that stops to think deeply about why there are so many dungeons full of monsters and treasure just hanging around. Here because it's an example of an author thinking through her worldbuilding a lot, and it mattering. Also because of the characters' respect for the animals they are are killing and eating, their lives and their place in the ecosystem, and the ways that humans both fuck up ecosystems with extraction and tourism, but also the ways that you can have reciprocal relationships of responsibility and care with the ecosystem you live in, even if it's considered a dangerous one. (Fantasy, manga series)

Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang and How Long 'Til Black Future Month by N. K. Jemisin and Everyone on the Moon is Essential Personnel by Julian K. Jarboe - Short story anthologies that were SO good and SO weird and rewired the way I think. If you want the kind of stuff that is like, the opposite of easy-to-digest feel-good pap, these short stories will get into your brain and make you consider stuff and look at the world from new angles. Most of them aren't particularly upbeat, but there's a lot of variety in the moods.

"Homecoming is Just Another Word for the Sublimation of the Self," "Calf Cleaving in the Benthic Black," and "Termination Stories for the Cyberpunk Dystopia Protagonist" by Isabel J. Kim - Short stories, sci-fi mostly, that twist around in my head and make me think. Kim is very good at that. Also about choices and not-making-choices, about going and staying, about taking the easy route or the hard one, about controlling the narrative.

The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells - Security robot with guns in its arms hacks itself free from its oppressive company, mostly wants to half-ass its job but gets sucked into drama, intrigue, and caring against its better judgement. This is on here because 1) I love it 2) I feel like it does for me what cozy sff so frequently fails to do - it makes me feel seen and comforted. It's hopeful and compassionate and about personal growth and finding community and finding one's place in the world, without brushing aside all problems or acting like "everybody effortlessly just gets along" is a meaningful proposal. also 3) because it is one of the few times I have yet seen characters from a hippie, pacifistic, eco-friendly, welcoming, utopian society actually act like people. The humans from Preservation are friendly, helpful, and motivated by truth and justice and compassion, because they come from a friendly, just, compassionate society, and they still actually act like real human beings with different personalities and conflicting opinions and poor reactions to stress and anger and frustration and fear and the whole range of human emotions rather than bland niceness. Also 4) I love it (space sci-fi, novella series mostly)

[traeumenvonbuechern]

Queer Books To Read If You Love "Percy Jackson"

Excited about the new Percy Jackson series? Read these books!

Book titles:

The Sunbearer Trials by Aiden Thomas

Zachary Ying and the Dragon Emperor by Xiran Jay Zhao

Cameron Battle and the Hidden Kingdoms by Jamar J. Perry

Juniper Harvey and the Vanishing Kingdom by Nina Varela

Ring of Solomon by Aden Polydoros

Tiger Honor by Yoon Ha Lee

[balioc]

BALIOC'S READING LIST, 2024 EDITION

This list counts only published books, consumed in published-book format, that I read for the first time and finished. No rereads, nothing abandoned halfway through, no Internet detritus of any kind, etc. Also no children’s picture books.

(There were still so many children's picture books.)

(I've relaxed my standards a bit for this year. I've counted two graphic novels, and one text so short that it's basically just an illustrated short story. This doesn't particularly feel like cheating, and it doesn't seem to be lowering my standards generally. Next year, I may decide to count texts read on the Internet, so long as they're genuinely substantive in some way; we'll see.)

The Pilgrim of Hate, Ellis Peters

Weavers, Scribes, and Kings: A New History of the Ancient Near East, Amanda H. Podany

An Excellent Mystery, Ellis Peters

Moon Dark Smile, Tessa Gratton

The Raven in the Foregate, Ellis Peters

Demon Daughter, Lois McMaster Bujold

The Rose Rent, Ellis Peters

Bea Wolf, Zach Weinersmith

The Saint of Bright Doors, Vajra Chandasekera

The Hermit of Eyton Forest, Ellis Peters

Warlock, Oakley Hall

The Confession of Brother Haluin, Ellis Peters

The Heretic's Apprentice, Ellis Peters

Of Ghosts and Goblins, Lafcadio Hearn

The Potter's Field, Ellis Peters

Golden Hill, Francis Spufford

The Summer of the Danes, Ellis Peters

The Holy Thief, Ellis Peters

Ducks: Two Years In the Oil Sands, Kate Beaton

The Uncommon Reader, Alan Bennett

Brother Cadfael's Penance, Ellis Peters

Yumi and the Nightmare Painter, Brandon Sanderson

Ballet Shoes, Noel Streatfeild

Emma, Jane Austen

Lyorn, Stephen Brust

Magus: The Art of Magic From Faustus to Agrippa, Anthony Grafton

The Tainted Cup, Robert Jackson Bennett

Cannibalism: A Perfectly Natural History, Bill Schutt

The Lion of Boaz-Jachin and Jachin-Boaz, Russell Hoban

The Familiar, Leigh Bardugo

Unraveller, Frances Hardinge

Pilgermann, Russell Hoban

Breaking Hel, Miles Cameron

The Emperor's Sword, Christian Cameron

Ink Blood Sister Scribe, Emma Törzs

Out of Tales: Or, January, Meg Moseman

Chinese Buddhism: A Thematic History, Chün-fang Yü

Tress of the Emerald Sea, Brandon Sanderson

Intelligence: All That Matters, Stuart Ritchie

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Patrick Süskind

Ninefox Gambit, Yoon Ha Lee

Prince of the Godborn, Geraldine Harris

Children of the Wind, Geraldine Harris

The Dead Kingdom, Geraldine Harris

The Seventh Gate, Geraldine Harris

The Night Parade of 100 Demons, Marie Brennan

The Game of 100 Candles, Marie Brennan

The Market of 100 Fortunes, Marie Brennan

Aztecs: An Interpretation, Inga Clendinnen

Sand, Wolfgang Herrndorf

The Wood at Midwinter, Susanna Clarke

The Chains of the Earth, David Mealing

Plausible works of improving nonfiction consumed in 2024: 7

Balioc's Choice Award, Fiction Division: Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Patrick Süskind

>>>> Honorable Mention: Warlock, Oakley Hall

Balioc's Choice Award, Nonfiction Division: Weavers, Scribes, and Kings: A New History of the Ancient Near East, Amanda H. Podany

>>>> Honorable Mention: Chinese Buddhism: A Thematic History, Chün-fang Yü

The Celephaïs Award for Mythopoesy With Which I Would Have Been Absolutely Obsessed Had I Read It As a Teenager, and, Let's Be Honest, It's Not Like I'm Not Obsessed Now: the Seven Citadels books by Geraldine Harris [Prince of the Godborn, Children of the Wind, The Dead Kingdom, The Seventh Gate]

The Emerald Champion's Award for "I've Cared About This Setting Since I Was Twelve and This Story Can't Possibly Be Canon, Oh Shit, There Was a Total Reboot and Now You're One of the People In Charge of the Canon?!": Marie Brennan's L5R novels [Night Parade of 100 Demons, Game of 100 Candles, Market of 100 Fortunes]

The Pepsi-Cola Award for "We Have Brandon Sanderson At Home": the Ascension Cycle books by David Mealing [Chains of the Earth, plus two earlier books read in previous years]

The Dumott Schunard Award for Advanced Queerness In the Field of Metaphysics, No Seriously, You Did Not Know That Fantasy Worldbuilding Could Be So Fundamentally Queer: Moon Dark Smile by Tessa Gratton

The Glandeco-Angelinian Award for Real Goddamn Outsider Art Made By a Real Goddamn Outsider Artist Who Is Definitely Thinking Thoughts That Stretch Beyond Your Trifling Mundane World: Out of Tales: Or, January by Meg Moseman

**********

This year was a lot better than it looks. I swear.

...the numbers are real bad, I know. 52 is the absolute bottom edge of "respectable" for a year's total-books-read count, for me, and no fewer than 11 of those were part of the same silly historical-mystery series. 7 is well below the absolute bottom edge of "respectable" for the nonfiction count.

But, given how shamefully little reading there was overall, there was a surprising amount of serious high-quality stuff with lasting value. Chinese Buddhism, Aztecs, and Weavers, Scribes, and Kings are all exactly what I want nonfiction tomes to be: each one left me with a sense that I understood a particular chunk of the world much better than I had before. I think any one of those three probably caused me to feel more educated than some entire years' worth of nonfiction reading. And on the fiction front, there was just a lot of excellence. Books like Pilgermann and The Saint of Bright Doors are flawed but also possessed of genuine literary greatness. Books like Of Ghosts and Goblins and the Seven Citadels novels are light-weight, but light-weight in the way that a faerie-gossamer cloak is light-weight; they possess genuine beauty that moves them into the realm of the transcendent. Even the usual genre-fiction filler stuff had a lot of semiprecious gems.

I'm still alarmingly bad at getting any reading at all done when I'm working on a serious writing project. I should figure out what I can do about that. Possibly it's time to bite the bullet and start listening to audiobooks when I drive.

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

💖 Sapphic Books Coming Out June 2024

🩷 There's something especially sweet about a sapphic romance. Here are only a few of the amazing sapphic books hitting shelves in June 2024. Which ones are you adding to your ever-growing TBR?

💖 Which ones are you adding to your TBR?

Contemporary 💖 But How Are You, Really - Ella Dawson 💖 Hot Summer - Elle Everhart 💖 Pony Dakota - Nat Burns 💖 Wish You Weren't Here - Erin Baldwin 💖 Something to be Proud Of - Anna Zoe Quirke 💖 London on My Mind - Clara Alves, Nina Perrotta (translator) 💖 Please Stop Trying to Leave Me - Alana Saab 💖 Looking for a Sign - Susie Dumond 💖 Triple Sec - T.J. Alexander 💖 Pages from the Book of Broken Dreams - Kat Jackson 💖 Director's Cut - Carlyn Greenwald 💖 Furious - Jamie Pacton, Rebecca Podos 💖 Cicada Summer - Erica McKeen 💖 Tehrangeles - Porochista Khakpour 💖 Women - Chloe Caldwell 💖 Experienced - Kate Young 💖 Liddy-Jean Marketing Queen and the Matchmaking Scheme - Mari SanGiovanni

Paranormal/Horror 💖 The Pecan Children - Quinn Connor 💖 Private Rites - Julia Armfield 💖 The Deep Dark - Molly Knox Ostertag 💖 The Science of Ghosts - Lilah Sturges, El Garing (ill.), Alitha Martinez (contrib.) 💖 Wolfpitch - Balazs Lorinczi

Fantasy 💖 Mirrored Heavens - Rebecca Roanhorse 💖 The Fire Within Them - Matthew Ward 💖 Digging for Destiny - Jenna Jarvis 💖 Saints of Storm and Sorrow - Gabriella Buba 💖 Markless - C.G. Malburi 💖 Sleep Like Death - Kalynn Bayron 💖 The Afterlife of Mal Caldera - Nadi Reed Perez 💖 The Pale Queen - Ethan M. Aldridge 💖 The Unrelenting Earth - Kritika H. Rao 💖 Ballad for Jasmine Town - Molly Ringle 💖 Six of Sorrow - Amanda Linsmeier

Historical 💖 A Bluestocking's Guide to Decadence - Jess Everlee 💖 A Divine Fury - D.V. Bishop 💖 The Ballad of Jacquotte Delahaye - Briony Cameron 💖 Hall of Mirrors - John Copenhaver

Mystery/Thriller 💖 One Killer Problem - Justine Pucella Winans 💖 The Last Note of Warning - Katharine Schellman 💖 Shanghai Murder - Jessie Chandler 💖 And Then There Was One - Michele Castleman

Sci-Fi 💖 Lady Eve's Last Con - Rebecca Fraimow 💖 The Stars Too Fondly - Emily Hamilton 💖 Moonstorm - Yoon Ha Lee 💖 You're Safe Here - Leslie Stephens

[esmestarz]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ INTRO ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

about me ─ ★

she/her

infp

bisexual

i can play on the electric guitar and piano !!

i used to do ballet but now i do belly dancing

i love listening to music esp rap, metal (any type tbfr) and rock, my fav animal is a cat and I'm pretty sure that's it

stuff ─ ★

if you want me to write for a character that isn't on the list feel free to ask me and I'll write for them if possible <3

i will write smut, fem reader, gn reader, platonic and romantic relationships

i will not write rape, incest, gore, gang bang, male reader, gn reader, character x character, character x oc, poly relationships, specified race reader, trans reader since idk how to portray them

what and who i write for ─ 𐙚⋅˚₊‧

MOVIES ─ ★

black swan

- nina sayers

- lily

harry potter

- hermione granger

- harry potter

- draco malfoy

- luna lovegod

- ron weasley

- theodore nott

- tom riddle

scream

- tatum riley

- sidney prescott

- billy loomis

- stu marcher

- samantha carpenter

- tara carpenter

- amber freeman

- anika kayko

- ethan landry

- gale weathers

- jill roberts

- kirby reed

- chad meeks-martin

- mindy meeks-martin

SERIES ─ ★

pretty little liars

- emily fields

- alison dilaurentis

- hanna marin

- spencer hastings

outerbanks

- rafe cameron

- sarah cameron

- jj maybanks

- kiara carrera

- pope heyward

- john b routledge

the babysitters club

- sam thomas

- kristy thomas

- stacey mcgill

- claudia kishi

- dawn schafer

malcolm in the middle

- malcolm wilkerson

- reese wilkerson

- francis wilkerson

KDRAMA ─ ★

all of us are dead

- choi nam-ra

- lee su-hyeok

- lee cheong-san

- lee na-yeon

- nam on-jo

sweet home

- yoon ji-su

- lee eun-yoo

- cha hyun-soo

KPOP ─ ★

aespa

- karina

- winter

- ningning

- giselle

twice

- nayeon

- chaeyoung

- momo

- mina

- sana

- jihyo

- dahyun

- jeongyeon

- tzuyu

le sserafim

- sakura

- yunjin

- chaewon

- kazuha

- eunchae

gidle

- soyeon

- minnie

- shuhua

- miyeon

- yuqi

nmixx

- sullyoon

- lily

- kyujin

- haewon

- jiwoo

- bae

new jeans

- danielle

- haerin

- minji

- hyein

- hanni

GAMES ─ ★

the last of us

- ellie williams

fatal frame

- yuri kozukata

- rui kagamiya

cry of fear

- simon henriksson

resident evil

- leon s kennedy

- jill valentine

- ada wong

- claire redfield

- bela dimitrescu

genshin impact

- kinich

- xiao

- aether

- kazuha

- scaramouche

- cyno

- heizou

- thoma

honkai star rail

- argenti

- aventurine

- blade

- dan heng

- gepard

- sunday

ANIME ─ ★

jujutsu kaisen

- megumi fushiguro

- gojo satoru

- yuji itadori

- ryomen sukuna

- inumaki toge

- yuuta okkotsu

- choso kamo

[deathlieteez]

ATTENTION (4/5)

yunho x reader

♡ attention series masterlist ♡ ┋chapter 1┋chapter 2.1┋chapter 2.2┋chapter 3.1┋chapter 3.2

chapter 4: heaven and back. when you finally met yunho that Saturday night, he confess the reason why he's acting that weird, and it is not going to be a bliss to your heart. feeling more lost than ever, you let yourself be drawn into whatever the night has to offer, though it seems to end up being much more than you can control.

appears: yunho as your exboyfriend x femb!reader + choi seungcheol (seventeen) x son chaeyoung as ur bests friends + yoon jeonghan (seventeen) as ur friend + chwe hansol vernon (seventeen) as seungcheol's friend

genre: angst. college au.

warning: cursing, mean/heartbroken reader, mean/heartbroken yunho, petnames, using/abusing of drugs (don't!!!!!!!), cheating.

word count: 9.1k (oops)

intentional use of lowercase letter

english is not my mother tongue

the chapter is called heaven and back because is sighly based on the chase atlantic's song

songs i get inspired by: heaven and back - chase atlantic + you broke me first- tate mcrae + the grudge - olivia rodrigo + falling - harry styles + creepin' - the weeknd + if you want love - nf + sorry, i love you - stray kids + we go down together - dove cameron ft. khalid + remember that night? - sara keys

the one i recommed the most to read it is the loneliest by maneskin

it is not meant to be representative of jeong yunho's personality or any ateez or another groups' idols who appeared ♡

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘♡⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

see you tonight.

yunho's absence and message made your morning into something infinite. got out of bed as if you had spent the whole night drinking, but what actually felt was a terrible emotional hangover. the memory of yunho haunted you as if he had never left, and almost had the damn sensation of his lips going all over your skin, as well as that sweet smell of his still stuck in your nostrils. his attitude was strange enough in itself to leave you thinking all day, but if you added the idea that he had been with another woman close enough to leave her scent on him, and the fucking fact that he had left you alone in bed after you let him spend the night for the first time after so many pleas, it was going to drive you crazy. was literally all you could think about all morning. it was, in fact, what you were thinking about when your doorbell rang, being so immersed in the memory of your fucking ex that the fright was such that you threw the coffee cup, which you'd been stirring for twenty minutes now while leaning against the kitchen counter, onto the floor. "shit!" you grunt for a moment before the doorbell rings again, and several times in a row "coming, i'm coming!" had absolutely no idea who it was, but it did nothing but fuck your mood even more.

you were very surprised to see that it was chaeyoung. well, an exaggeratedly angry version of chaeyoung. if thought you were in a bad mood, you were a puppy next to your best friend at that moment "i didn't come in just in case that asshole's still here. you better hide him, because i'll chew him up and spit him in the toilet, and u're next" she said pointing her index finger at you, still not crossing the threshold of the door. you sighed, stepping to the side to let her know she could come in.

"easy beast, he's not here." she snorted, entering your house in a bad temper. you couldn't blame her, but she had a lot of things to blame you. followed her into the kitchen, feeling slightly anxious. the only times you had ever seen chaeyoung like that was always when was involved with yunho, yunho's friends or the university. you had never been her target. you knew for a fact how much she loved you, in a practically sisterly way, so you understood perfectly why she practically left a trail of flames wherever she passed by. you would have appeared the same, or worse "careful, there's glass on the floor" you warn, she automatically grabbed several paper napkins and bent down to wipe the huge coffee stain on the floor. you imitated her.

"i've called tons of times, and left lots of messages." she accused, you sighed "the least you could do is call me back" looked at her with a mixture of shame and embarrassment building up in the pit of your stomach. you couldn't say anything, because she was right. not only had you blown them off the night before, but ignored them all and with no reasons. that's probably why seungcheol wasn't with chaeyoung to find out what happened after he left. he was too upset to show up at your house, and it was more than clear that he would have told chaeyoung why you didn't go to the club.

"m so sorry" you mumble, "wasn't in the mood. know that's no excuse, but…"

"but nothing. it's already awfully wrong for that guy to show up at your house at night, but to be ignoring us for him? girl, it sucks" she accuses again and you nod, as if you were being scolded by your older sister "i don't understand how you could even let him into your house, after everything that's happened".

"you know we've been seeing each other, chae" you swallowed after materializing it in words for the first time to someone other than yourself or yunho himself.

"yeah" she groaned in annoyance "but thought u guys fucked at parties or something, not that you let him get into your house?"

"we're all grown up now, chaeyoung" you sigh, picking up a few pieces of glass again, trying not to cut yourself and in the process avoiding her gaze. she stood up, throwing away a handful of soggy papers and picking up a few more to continue drying the floor.

"oh really? well doesn't look like it" she then growls "look, u can fuck whoever u want, but be consequent. u can't just disappear the whole night and leave us all worrying"

"i'm really sorry" repeated "it was a bit of a weird night" you confess once finished collecting all the crystals, cutting a small awkward silence "did u have a good time at least?" chaeyoung denied.

"cheol came in pretty upset, he told us what happened and we tried to call you several times after a while. still were going to stay, but then we saw yunho's little friends and seungcheol didn't want to continue the night. he and han went home together and i went home with jihyo" she related, making you sigh again.

"they didn't say anything to any of you, have they?" she denied, you nodded in relief.

"you know how overprotective he is with you and the whole thing with those guys" threw away the last handful of papers once the floor was finally clean, grabbing another cup from your cupboard and a capsule of coffee "at least tell me what's going on, and what happened last night".

so you did. recounted in detail everything that had happened, from the episode at the emergency exit, to yunho dumping that girl for you, and ending with the night before. you put special emphasis on one detail "he smelled like another chick!?" she practically shouted, you dropped your back on the back of the couch and nodded "he finished being with some chick and came to see u?" he snorted "i thought he couldn't, but he get even more scraggly. he must have been training"

"he's coming tonight" you confessed, causing chaeyoung's eyes to practically pop out of their holes.

"and you're even dumber, i see."

"wanna see him, chae."

"that's the first sign why you shouldn't do it. never again. fuck him. but no literally!"

you'd love to say that the conversation with your best friend did some good. that you took matters into your own hands and wrote yunho to tell him you didn't want him around, that he should stay the fuck home. but the reality was much different, much sadder and, from chaeyoung's point of view, ridiculous. your friend didn't understand what it was about this guy that kept you so interested, and you didn't exactly know either. but if there was ever a time when you really felt the need to see him, it was that night. his attitude and that message had to mean something, and it's not like you were able to ignore everything you felt while being with him.

luckily, now that you had finally been completely honest with her, chaeyoung decided she wouldn't leave you alone and tried her best to keep your mind off yunho, almost like the first time she had to deal with what he left of you when he cheated. it worked for a few hours, but as the time approached when you had to get ready to leave, it became clear how the anxiety was eating away at your confidence. you checked your cell phone every few moments, feraring a message from him, or maybe even hoping for one. chae watched you worriedly. she knew for sure that the time when you would relapse would come. yunho would be a problem again, because you two were in love and it didn't end well. one of you would come crawling back, but she hoped it wouldn't be you and that when he did, you would kick him back to his house.

"so can i borrow the black one then?" she asked with her head dipped in your closet. you laughed again, affirming with a guttural sound while trying not to go too overboard with the lip liner "great! i was looking forward to trying it on. it's so pretty!"

"just had to ask for it" you tell her once you finish filling in your lips in a gorgeous burgundy shade matching the dress you wore that night, and which didn't go unnoticed by your friend.

"how is it possible that u been looking like shit all day and now you look like you came out of a magazine?" she grunts, making you laugh again "it's cute" commented, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at your reflection in the glass of the dressing table. you were doing the same, trying to gain confidence in your image. knew you looked pretty, but didn't feel particularly well. "haven't worn it in a while, have you?" chaeyoung asked, getting your attention. you look at her a little confused "the dress" you smile faintly at her, nodding.

didn't really wanted to have to explain it to her, but the outfit you were wearing that night was a real statement of intent, because it was exactly the same one you had the night you met yunho. it was still quite nice, a little less revealing than what you've been wearing lately, but sexy enough to fit a night like that. telling chaeyoung something like that would end up driving her crazy, but the truth is that you were wearing it hoping yunho would remember the dress. as you looked at yourself wearing it in the mirror, remembered all the times he told you how beautiful you looked and how much he loved the dress. he even asked you to wear it again several times throughout the relationship, but saved it for a special occasion because it meant so much to you. didn't know why, but that night you needed the confidence that dress gave you. it was probably a mistake, but you would do it anyway.

it wasn't too long before you arrived at the same place that had already visited countless times, and where the story with your ex was awakened with a fuck at the emergency exit of the reserved area. you felt a little better when you let the lively atmosphere captivate you, letting yourself be carried away by the incredibly cheerful and energetic attitude of your best friend, who guided you to the same place as always, where your friends were already waiting.

the first thing you did was apologize to all of them, and especially to seungcheol, who didn't take more than a few seconds to fall for your charms and your puppy face to hug you and kiss your forehead, even though he made you promise not to do something like that to them again "a message is enough. just want to know you're okay". the way it had started, the night had potential. and you could have taken advantage of it; you could have drunk, danced and laughed with the amazing friends you had at your disposal. you could have even tried to meet someone new, like the guy at the bar who had left his number on a napkin he shamelessly gave you, because didn't need one and hadn't asked for, during one of the many times you visited the bar in such a ridiculously short period of time. just like went to the bathroom, to smoke with jeonghan -when you didn't even smoke- and any excuse that was plausible enough and allowed you to browse the place as many times as possible, in search of a single person. of course, your friends asked you if everything was all right, but with the help of chaeyoung, who knew what was going on and didn't want to worry them, you distracted them. it was about one in the middle of the night when you finally saw him appear in the crowd, looking particularly handsome that night. he wore a white yarn sweater, the collar quite wide, revealing his collarbone, beautifully decorated with a couple of necklaces and highlighting the width of his shoulders. his hair was apparently messy, but you knew that he had probably spent a long time in front of the mirror checking every strand, and it had certainly paid off.

you didn't even try to find an excuse to meet him that time. just jumped up and left the reserved area, not listening to any of your friends' questions. from the stairs you could see him reaching a table at the down floor, where a couple of girls were sitting that you didn't remember seeing before. noticed him greeting one of them with a kiss on the cheek, bringing that smell back to your memory, but made sure to ignore the idea that crossed your mind and faded as soon as you saw him looking for you in the reserved area himself. he approached the stairs as you went down, so you decided to wait at the end of them "finally!" you said almost without breaking, sounding a little - too - excited to see him. yunho was about to speak, but your impatience interrupted him with a soft kiss on the lips that was confused to say the least, swallowing his words, not even sure what he wanted to say to you. with a sincere smile, you pulled his wrist to a corner a little further away from his friends and yours, a little further away from the crowd, and while he was still silent, you allowed yourself to kiss him again, leaning your back against the dark wall of the room. took a few seconds for yunho to react, feeling a slight panic sweep through his body, but deciding to surrender to you again. it was much easier to be carried away by your lips, so he brought one of his hands to your waist while cradled your neck with the other to deepen the kiss. felt as if the night before had not ended, as if the truce you had happily signed yesterday had continued to stand against all odds. "took a long time, yuyu" said to him as you separated to get some oxygen. he didn't even open his eyes before kissing you again.

he pressed his body closer to yours, breathing into your lips and making you feel like you're in a damn cloud9. buried both hands in his hair, stroking him as if to calm him, "hi" mumbled over your lips. actually, you didn't even hear it, you guessed it.

"been waiting for you" you confessed, not even thinking about how your attitude let yunho look a little deeper into you. "thought you wouldn't come" he remained silent, looking into your eyes like trying to find something. in fact, he was looking for some sign of remorse, of hatred, of resentment, of anger. some trace of everything you were giving him all this time, but he found in you nothing more than a honest desire to see him. he sighed heavily and took some distance from you, though his hands never left your body, going up to your face to cradle it once more. you held his wrists and smiled sweetly, "don't have a very good face, yuyu" you stated, looking genuinely concerned, "u ok?" yunho felt his chest shrink as the sweetness colored your words.

it was like you were doing it on purpose, as if you were fighting with your last ace to keep him close. he had worked hard to get to this point, he had fought against everything he felt so that would be moderately comfortable with what was about to happen. but it would only be fine if you continued to be a fucking bitch to him, one who didn't seem to care about anything. now that you looked at him as if you really wanted to be with him, as if you cared about his well-being and kissed him so lovingly, how could he say something like that to you? how could he not grab the last burning nail that was your relationship?

"no, i'm not well" he confessed. you took a careful breath and gently changed your sweet expression to a worried one. something was really wrong.

"here, let's sit" you suggest, pointing to the high chairs a few feet away "and maybe i can help you" if he didn't know you well enough, yunho would swear that you were trying to torture him playing with his feelings to trap him in your web so he would never leave you. but in actual fact, you were genuinely concerned about him and wanted to help him. reaching the chairs, without letting go of his hands, you sit facing each other. legs are intertwined, you only have to move a little closer to kiss him again, which you did, "come on sweetie, tell me".

"why 're u treating me so well?" he asked suddenly, almost burning with the torture of having you so close again.

you pursed your lips, tilting your head with a shy smile, "don't know" confessed this time, "yesterday was a nice day, i guess" yunho sighed with the memory of your naked body hugging his all night, making him feel like the fucking worst person in the whole earth.

"i have been waiting for you to look at me like this for a long time" with a weak and deep voice, it comes out almost in a wail "it is not fair that you act like this today" you looked at him with some confusion while he avoided your eyes as much as he could. instead, he look at your body without taking a second to notice what you're wearing. a grimace of sarcasm crossed his face, and he couldn't help but think that what you were trying to do to him must be some kind of heavy joke.

"today? what's happening today?"

"i've been doing the best that i can for about, how long, maybe a year?" his voice rises slightly and you can hear some bitterness in it. by contrast, yunho never lets go of your hands, making the grip harder and focus all the attention on them laying over the dress you are wearing "i have respected your space and accepted all the times you kicked me away" he said, you parted your lips without knowing exactly what to say, feeling more confused by the moment "gave you love whenever u were around, just to make u feel wanted and wash away what i did" you blinked several times, trying to pull your hands away, but he held them firmly, "went where you wanted, when you wanted, even when i knew you were doing with other guys" he sighed heavily, sharpening his gaze and finally looking at you. "needed to see me so fucked up to empathize with me a little? or did you realize that you still love me?"

when he looked into your eyes, you didn't like what you saw. no clue if all that anger and pain had always been there or if something you are missing had happened and yunho was actually in pain. the only thing you were sure about was that your patience was too thin to keep listening to him, and the sarcasm of his words didn't help at all. or did you realize that you still love me?

you yanked hard from his hands, surprising him but managing to escape his grip. denied with a bitter smile before said "let it go, it was a mistake", you said it out loud, but those words were more for you than for him. wanted to leave it there now that you still had some will to have a good night, but suddenly yunho realized he couldn't let you go that easily. the pride he had been swallowing all this time returned all at once and he was not willing to let you be the one to decide the course of the conversation again. yunho had come to this place with a damned purpose, and he was going to fulfill it whether you wanted or not. he stopped you down impulsively, grabbed your wrist and pulled back towards him. almost crashed into his chest, but you reacted quickly and put a hand on his shirt, pushing him back "what's wrong with u?"

"with me!?" he opened his eyes as if you had told him the most savage thing he had ever heard in his life, "the problem here is you!" suddenly yunho grabbed your shoulders and pushed you back against the wall, surrounding you with both arms into a corner so he can look down on you. it felt like you were tiny, and that wasn't what you needed that night, "come to me like you need to see me, kiss me, care about me, and in that fucking dress!" you looked away from him when his breath crash into your face so aggressively, because yunho was yelling, almost out of control and too close for your comfort. caught your breath to regulate the tension in your chest, feeling slightly dizzy. you looked like a prey, trapped under your ex's harsh and unforgiving voice, full of resentment "am a joke to u? wearing this on just to hurt me, yeah?" he growled. despite the toughness of his words, yunho was far from feeling tough inside. he was pushing himself to the limit, trying to contain a huge amount of emotions that he did not know how to handle at a time like this, when he had you in front of him and the person he decided to commit to just a few steps away, waiting for him.

when he got up in the morning next to you, had a feeling that he holds the world in his hands again. he barely slept through the night and made sure to stay close to you as long as possible, watching you as you rested, with your chest rising and falling gently, your peaceful face and your body completely relaxed. no tension, no fighting and no bitterness. you were an angel - his angel -, and he told himself he was the luckiest man in the world to be able to watch such a spectacle. yunho also realized you still had some habits, such as sleeping on your right side - which made yunho get used to sleeping on his left side so he could hug you -; you still talked a bit at night, and still hadn't given up your eagerness to steal his blanket whenever you had the chance. but his favorite, which he treasured as a precious memory, and which he loved to see you kept, was your adorable need to cuddle at night. he wondered more than once if you'd gotten over it because didn't have him anymore, or if you were holding plush animals like you once told him you did before living together. now that he had you there, tied to his torso as if you never wanted him to leave, he was afraid to even breathe too hard in case you moved and let him go. it was hard for him to give in to sleep, but was overly nice to see you again when he woke up. sure, you moved and were no longer holding him, but you were holding his hand. really seemed that you needed any contact with him as much as he needed you to do it.

knowing he must go while you were still asleep, he tempted his fate and stayed for almost an hour. the thought of leaving you was killing him, and his tears were the only witness, but it was better to go for himself than to let you push him again. was certainly sure he couldn't take it after having you this way again. he worked hard to convince himself that it was best to get away from you and trust her. she was good for him, but you weren't, because you could offer him nothing but nostalgia and the ghost of the woman he fell in love with. yunho told himself that the last night you spent together was almost a mirage, a kind of truce he had signed with you, but that it expired as soon as the sun rose on the horizon. so you wouldn't want him there anymore then, not knowing you haven't forgive him yet. he needed to stop blaming himself because you didn't want him anymore, to stop punishing himself with your kisses and your fleeting caresses, no matter how sweet they were. she looked like a white promise at the end of all this agony. couldn't even believe that she was giving him a second chance after what he had done to her for you, but he told himself he wouldn't mess it up this time, that would let you go and that you wouldn't suffer because you were really just playing with him. yunho wouldn't have to see you cry and he wouldn't cry for you anymore.

what he did not expect was to see you the next day in that dress that meant so much to both of us, taking him back to the night you met, while your eyes showed him a genuine illusion to see it again. he could even see the pain in your pupils as his voice, against all odds, became much harsher. he should hate you, but he hated himself instead "yunho, enough. wanna leave".

"oh, u want to go now?" he insisted, making you swallow hard while see him shocking his head many times "please tell me what you want from me" you looked him in the eyes again, an uncertain gaze locked with his. could barely make out the colors of his face in the dim light of the room, but you could clearly see the damage in his look, "can't take it anymore" he almost sobbed, dropping his head down to the floor "i can't keep paying for what i did. need u to stop punishing me, it's not fair to either of us anymore" locked out, the air was missing and could only feel the strong fragrance that yunho wore that night clouding your senses. you tried to concentrate on his words, but they only hurt. it was as if he had hit you so hard that all you could hear was a hollow and annoying sound. yunho kept talking to you, becoming more and more impatient with your silence, and in the midst of all the dull noise, your face began to fall as his words began to sink in. you thought coldly about what he was really telling you and a sour taste grew in your throat. you'd swear you'd fall to the ground if yunho hadn't left you barely space to breathe, intoxicating you with his accusations.

"yunho" mumbled, sealing his lips so he could hear you after trying to get your attention so much "if u don't like it, just leave" your head remained a little bowed, as if the neck couldn't bear the weight, so you looked at him from below "fair, you say?" snorted in denial as you closed your eyes again "know what's not fair? your boyfriend cheating on you, and knowing about it by a pic that someone sent of him kissing that fucking chick. that's not fair" yunho was going to say something, but you cut him off "it's neither fair that you came home the next morning and covered yourself with a lie, not fair that you kissed me with the same mouth that you kissed another girl the night before. that you came home every morning of every weekend without feeling the slightest bit of guilt until i discovered you, that's not fucking fair" yunho stepped back a little, letting you breathe a bit easier "it's also not fair the fact u forced seven fucking people who were also my friends to lie to me to cover up your fucking betrayal" looked at him again "know what it was like for me to lose u and all of them at once? that. is. not. fair" you spitted bitterly, punctuating every word "i saw the person i trusted the most taking away those we considered our friends, and yet you also took away my first love, my home, and everything i felt for u" here they were again, the tears piling up and threatening to wet yunho's cheeks, while you felt like tearing out every piece of yourself, every single night you spent awake missing him. you were now throwing them out in the form of all the conclusions you came to between cries and tears "so if you think what's happening is unfair, you'd better go and leave me alone for good" you were angry, and your words were not what really was in your heart, but weren't able to control yourself in the same way that he wasn't able to. however, also failed to calculate the consequences of what you just said.

"that's exactly what 'm trying to do" he replied, now at a safe distance from you.

"how do u say?" despite the word just spitted, you were incredulous.

"'m leaving you, leaving this" his cold gaze froze your body "i am tired, tired of you" he confessed. didn't even know how you felt at that time, but yunho wasn't finished with you yet "i've met someone, and i think i like this girl, but need to be away from you to find out" that was the masterstroke. the last words he needed to end you, with everything you had built since decided to focus on yourself, everything you had risked to bring him back into your life. even though you had managed to recover from all the hits he had soothed you with his words, there was no turning back from what he had just said so easily.

words sharp as blades pierced your whole body mercilessly, straight from the same lips that kissed you so lovingly just moments ago. you clearly heard something inside breaking again. i'm tired of you. his voice echoed in your head, as if he would never stop shouting it in your ear, over and over again, like a damned mantra he'd decided to tattoo on your skin. yunho knew for real he was being cruel, he watched almost in slow motion how your pride faded away as the light in your eyes started to dim, but he couldn't help his mouth breathing away what his broken heart was crying out.

the strident music fades and instead you only hear this one sentence and a high-pitched sound drowns your eardrums, you have the feeling that they will even start to bleed if you try to say something else, but all your pride has vanished with your breath. you have nothing more to say, and even if you tried, would not be able to hear a single word, so you close your eyes and try to erase yunho from your mind, but of course, his silhouette appears in the darkness of your eyelids, smiling and laughing at you, reminding the horrible person you are. felt so out of place, so confused and lost in a feeling of incorrigible pain, even greater than the first time yunho left, that don't even know how you have returned to the side of your friends. when you figure it out, you're sitting next to them and they're talking to each other as if you weren't there. inside, everything fell apart. on the outside, your face remained blank, almost serene. you craved to scream, wanted to find yunho again and shout him that it was all his fault.

the image of your boyfriend, with whom you even shared an apartment, kissing another girl, along with the certainty that he had been hiding it for god knows when, still burning inside your eyes and were not exaggerating when you said that it was the first time you felt the pain of a betrayal, added to the pain of a broken heart and the sudden loneliness. well, if you had to be completely honest with yourself, you hadn't handled what happened right, and had to admit that you were cruel. but within the pain you felt at that moment, the idea that it was yunho who had broken you to such an extreme, that it was yunho who was wrong first, who broke you and all that you were, shone more brightly in your head.

your gaze wandered from one side to another. the floor, the ceiling, the round table in the center of your seats, filled with full and empty glasses, the distand and happy faces of your friends, seungcheol holding one of your hands and giving you a loving grimace… the neon red of the exit sign where you fell into yunho's arms again.the light soon blinded you slightly, feeling your gaze begin to unfocus as the bright red dazzled you and tears unconsciously welled up at the edge of your pupils. memories of your ex filled your blurred vision, pulling you away from reality and back to the image of his lips on yours, begging you to stay a little longer. his hands craving around your skin, trying to keep you close. now all that was gone. i think i love that girl, but i need to be away from you to know. and to think that you had stayed devoted to his arms, while he sought solace in another girl.

when you were able to refocus your gaze, found yourself looking at yunho's table in the distance. everyone seemed perfectly happy, including your ex, who was hugging who you assumed was the girl that took him away from you, who was winning his heart, the same heart had been your home " honey, is everything okay?" when you heard seungcheol's voice, suddenly realized you are already truly crying, feeling the happiness of those boys as a direct attack on you. why, if you were the victim, were the only one still suffering? "baby, look at me" seungcheol quickly located where your gaze was heading and gently picked up your chin to force you to stop hurting yourself, trying to comfort you with a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead.

"guess 'm not at my peak" you let out a chuckle far from funny and wiped away your tears.

with his thumb, seungcheol caressed your wet cheek and raised both eyebrows "we have two options. i can take you home, you'll take a shower, we'll watch anything on tv and i promise i'll play your hair until you fall asleep if it'll make you feel better" the smile grew natural on your lips, provoking a similar one on his face. he couldn't help it even if he wanted to and he wouldn't; sex or not, you were his best friend and one of the most important person in his life since you both were able to open up to each other, understand each other, support each other and care for each other. he had met many people in his life because he was someone of a social nature, but with you it was a crush in any sense you wanted to take it. he was sure that whatever you could offer him would be enough, because loved you sincerely and would prove it "or you can stay here with all of us, try to enjoy the night and not let anything or anyone else get the better of you" knew perfectly well what his words meant, because he wasn't stupid and no matter how much you had tried to hide it, he clearly saw something big going on with yunho, and confirmed it as soon as he saw you unable to take your eyes off him and that beautiful girl he wouldn't let go even for a stand second "both options are valid and in both i promise not to leave you alone at any time. it's up to you" you took a breath with lips sealed, biting them slightly at your pathetic image going home early for a fucking cheating guy, who was also happily a few meters away enjoying himself after breaking your heart for the second time.

you wondered if you were too naive, if you really didn't know him that well and those looks full of love and pleading he so often gave when you were together were nothing but pure show, a fake better than yours designed to fuck up your life even more. was yunho so cruel, so cold and manipulative? that night, you needed to believe that he was.

"think i can give this place a second chance today" you spoke unsure of your decision, but willing to at least give it a try. yunho couldn't stop you, wouldn't let him, and you knew that seungcheol was ready to help with that.

"that's my girl" he said, kissing your cheek "in that case, i have something for you" you watched as he pulled out his wallet from his denim jacket, showing you a small black baggie that brought a new smile to your face "are you in?"

"sharing is for pretty people" chaeyoung appeared at your back, holding out her hand to seungcheol, who laughed and didn't fail to leave a small white pill in the palm of her hand, but to you he put it straight into your mouth, with a greedy smirk that you were quite used to and that made you slightly fall into his game. you stuck out your tongue slowly, where he left the pearl while looking at your eyes, brushing your tongue with his fingers and listening to him saying again that's my girl but, this time, several octaves lower.

however, cheol didn't move any more cards in that direction with you afterwards, again respecting your boundaries, which you were extremely grateful for. if you had to take it out on your best friend, you didn't want to do it. it seemed like playing dirty, even though you knew for a fact that he'd be more than glad to offer himself to the cause. it wouldn't happen, but his attitude helped to immerse you in the night.

while you waited patiently - as long as you could - for the substances to take effect in your system, you tried to distract yourself with literally anything. smiled, talked to all your friends at the table, joked even with them and tried to laugh heartily when the others did, but your attempts were not enough to contain your fucking curiosity and the inertia to satiate it by looking back to yunho's table.

sometimes, he wasn't there and you could only see his friends, because she was never there if he wasn't. you'd even swear that, on a couple of occasions, yunho looked in your direction too, but couldn't say for sure because, when you got that feeling, you looked away like a fucking coward. the last time it happened, your eyes ran to the bottom of your empty glass, and the need to cover your shame with alcohol fills your patience. obviously, you asked cheol to come to get another drink, and fulfilling his promise, he took your hand and walked with you downstairs to the bar. the crowd was heavy that night, which wouldn't bother you on any other occasion, but on this one felt the anxiety fill your lungs and keep the oxygen out. to make matters worse, a guy a little shorter than cheol walked up to him. you saw them hugging and understood immediately that they hadn't seen each other for a long time "babe, give me a minute. pay for the drinks, today it's on me" he took out his wallet again and put it in your hands "you'll be fine" you nodded with a smile, knowing would be very selfish if you told him otherwise "i'll be right back" cheol kissed your hand lightly before disappearing into the crowd. the thought of running into yunho, that girl or one of his friends hit your mind immediately afterwards, and had to take a deep breath not to run upstairs, because you didn't feel confident enough to face any of them, especially not your damn ex. luckily, you were served quickly and soon had full glasses in hands, so you opened cheol's wallet to pay the bill. that's when you met up again with the little black baggie.

the idea inevitably crossed your mind. looked around to find the people and the music were thick and mingled inside you with heaviness, feeling genuinely overwhelmed and the night didn't seem to be getting any better. although you'd already had one, this time it hadn't had any effect, so maybe… a second pill wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it? before you could think clearly - and realize that it was a terrible idea - you had the pill in your teeth, putting the bag back in seungcheol's wallet, who appeared seconds later accompanied by the same guy from earlier. you sighed, honestly a little uneasy because it was the first time you'd taken two pills in one night, but were too sober to stay on your feet. had run out of any strategy to keep you distracted and your gaze kept coming back to yunho and that damn girl over and over again. you were afraid of being too obvious, starting to cry again, or that some guy in that fucking group would notice you staring at them. "vernon, meet my favourite girl" the presentations were short, but pleasant. you soon find out that he's actually american and has been living there for a while, so it was great to see cheol again, a feeling that soon rubbed off on you. he was a really strange guy, but funny and very, very nice.

after talking to vernon for a while, which really kept you distracted - wouldn't be lying if you said that meeting him was almost a promise that the night could get better - it wasn't long before you finally felt your body react chemically. no clue if it was the fact that you were a little more relaxed, or that the dose was already high enough to have an effect on someone who was already used to a single pill, but suddenly, felt energetic and some kind of adrenaline rush hit you, along with the urge to expend that shot of electricity by partying for real. pulling your new friend along towards the same destination, the rest soon followed, tired from sitting on those leather couches all night. when finally made your way through the crowd of people, the music vibrated through your body, causing you to crack a smile that felt like it would tear at the corner of your lips. you knew yunho was close, but at that moment, didn't give a shit, focusing on nothing but your breathing becoming heavy in your chest as you jumped on the track, your heart pumping so fast that couldn't count the beats even if you wanted to.

at the height of the ecstasy you were experiencing for the first time, it felt like hours had passed, but in actual fact it only took two or three songs for the situation to change radically. in one of your little hops to the music, you clearly felt your knees failing to break your fall, and if it hadn't been for vernon and seungcheol's quicker arms, you would have crashed to the floor along with your glass, which shattered into pieces. it wasn't a big deal, and if you were in your senses, would have laughed at the situation and the fact that had already broken two glasses in one day. but not right then.

right then, you felt like every single look in thet club was falling on you. the hollow sound of glass crashing on the floor deafened you for a moment, and you could only focus on all those judgmental stares on your body, as if they knew you had just fucked up. as if they knew you had been dumped for someone else, that you were high and that, in reality, you would rather have taken cheol's first offer and gone home to rest and cry all the broken feelings pouring out of your heart. your breathing, once heavy, now became scarce. you had to hold on tightly to vernon's arm, who brought both hands to your sides to give you balance "beautiful, are you okay?" cheol asked you and you looked him practically panic-stricken in the eyes. you wanted to say no, that your heart was going too fast but you had no strength in either leg. you then tried to speak, but sickness built up in the pit of your stomach, causing a gag and forcing you to cover your mouth with a hand and only deny it.

seungcheol's reaction was, thankfully, fast. he whispered something in vernon's ear that you couldn't hear and gave you a quick smile before he disappeared running, or trying to, into the crowd. so far, you had been drinking quite a lot and quite possibly too much, so he opted not to waste a second trying to help. you wanted to follow him, confused and increasingly dizzy, but vernon held you tightly and forced a hand around his waist for a better grip "he'll be back. come with me upstairs" spoke in your ear. he broke away, looking at your legs slightly bent under your own weight "can u walk?" you nodded, gripping his waist even tighter before starting to move.

right then, you felt like every single look in thet club was falling on you. the hollow sound of glass crashing on the floor deafened you for a moment, and you could only focus on all those judgmental stares on your body, as if they knew you had just fucked up. as if they knew you had been dumped for someone else, that you were high and that, in reality, you would rather have taken cheol's first offer and gone home to rest and cry all the broken feelings pouring out of your heart. your breathing, once heavy, now became scarce. you had to hold on tightly to vernon's arm, who brought both hands to your sides to give you balance "beautiful, are you okay?" cheol asked you and you looked him practically panic-stricken in the eyes. you wanted to say no, that your heart was going too fast but you had no strength in either leg. you then tried to speak, but sickness built up in the pit of your stomach, causing a gag and forcing you to cover your mouth with a hand and only deny it.

seungcheol's reaction was, thankfully, fast. he whispered something in vernon's ear that you couldn't hear and gave you a quick smile before he disappeared running, or trying to, into the crowd. so far, you had been drinking quite a lot and quite possibly too much, so he opted not to waste a second trying to help. you wanted to follow him, confused and increasingly dizzy, but vernon held you tightly and forced a hand around his waist for a better grip "he'll be back. come with me upstairs" spoke in your ear. he broke away, looking at your legs slightly bent under your own weight "can u walk?" you nodded, gripping his waist even tighter before starting to move.

you had never experienced this feeling before. your legs were not responding and could clearly feel your body getting heavier by second, along with the involuntary bouncing of your head, like you had been drinking uncontrollably all night. it got worse as you approached the stairs, each step becoming a world, "there is not much left" vernon said, trying to cheer you up. you could see how was struggling not to fall down the stairs pulling your weight up, and couldn't help but feel stupid and helpless, because your head seemed to be working quite fast, with some clarity, but no part of your body wanted to cooperate. it was only when vernon finally managed to drop you into one of the couches in the reserved area that the fear really took over. every muscle in your body was so numb that you barely felt it, "easy, stay easy, you're fine" vernon knelt down in front of you to be at the height of your face, holding your hands and trying to comfort you. then he approached your face, looking closely at your pupils, trying not to be too obvious. didn't want to think about it, he wanted to be wrong. but either fortunately or not, vernon was quite sure of what was happening to you, and even though he tried to calm you down, because he also knew that it would be much worse if you found out, he was scared, and the deep black that suffocated your iris did not help.

seungcheol finally arrived with several small bottles of water and a tiny towel he had to ask for at the bar. you listened with a certain distance as vernon explained that your body was practically dead and you swore that you could hear your friend's heart racing as he realized how bad it really was at that point. you wanted to ask what was happening, but couldn't find any voice and only had the ability to cry, which you did when you saw cheol giving you a look of panic. he sat down on a chair in front of you and took both of your hands "hey, don't cry, don't cry" he began "i've called chaeyoung, we'll be leaving soon" you nodded in tears "but first u have to be honest with me, okay?" nodded again "did u drink something u didn't buy yourself? or any of us?" you denied this time, cheol sighed in relief "so you drank a lot then?" denied again. well, you actually drank a lot, but not enough to have you that bad.

"cheol, it's not alcohol, she's high" the music still raged in your ears and your senses weren't working properly, but you could hear vernon clearly. his words hit you like a bucket of cold water, making you cry even harder.

"high? like, drugged?" cheol repeated, notoriously confused. he was dead sure he had only given you a single pill, nothing you hadn't done a thousand times before.

"did u give her anything?" vernon denied, "nothing" he spoke honestly, "but these symptoms are not from drinking too much alcohol" vernon's voice was also full of concern, but he spoke with much more confidence than seungcheol. you opened your mouth to say sorry, wanted to tell the truth and apologize for being so stupid and irresponsible, but once again a gag forced you to shut up, sobbing in your seat in defeat as you tightened the grip of cheol's hands.

"what happened!?" you immediately recognized the voice of your friend nearby, and soon the left side of the couches sank, "u okay?" she cradled your face with both hands, getting a bad surprise when she saw the paleness of your skin soaked with tears.

"think it might be an overdose," Vernon spoke, "she've taken something, hasn't she?" your friends nodded.

"but we've done it many times, nothing like this has ever happened before." chaeyoung's voice cracked as she tried to talk to vernon.

"she must have taken something else" he approached your face again, lighting you up with his phone to see that your pupils, which turned your irises practically black, barely reacted to the intense light of the flashlight "for the moment she is awake, but it might be a matter of time before she collapses"

"don't mess with me, man" cheol complained, "we have to call an ambulance"

vernon took a deep breath before he replied "if you do, remember that this is punishable in korea" his voice seemed much more loaded with anxiety "she is not going to get rid of his drug use easily."

"and what should we do? expect the worst!?" chaeyoung was crying. you heard it clearly in her voice, and you felt your heart break for the second time that night, guilt and fear paralyzing any little sense you had left in your body, hating yourself for bringing yourself to such situation.

"of course not!" you felt the other end of the couch sink way, "we need to try getting her to vomit while she still awake"

"are u sure about that?" cheol insisted, but vernon shook his head.

"i'm not, but given the sympthons and her dilated pupils, it might be."

the next event was something you wished with all your might you could wipe from your memory, but clearly it would stay with you forever, as a lesson. the three of them accompanied you, practically dragging your body, to the toilet upstairs. it was chaeyoung who helped you vomit using her own fingers, succeeding after several attempts. the bile and tears stained your face, making you feel miserable in the cheol's arms, who tried to comfort your sobbing. when they succeeded, they sighed with a sigh of relief. chaeyoung hugged you after wiping her hands, and you felt guilty again because you could still smell the stink of your vomit on her. the crying increased as they tried to comfort you, and the worst part is, as you sat on the white bathroom floor, with your head resting on cheol's chest and your other two friends trying to soothe what was obviously pain, the only person you could think of was yunho, hoping that he would somehow find out what was happening, and come to take care of you. "i'm gonna get the water from the table, try to rinse her face while" vernon spoke again.

you heard the door close, and soon after, chaeyoung closed the lock to prevent anyone from seeing you in that situation. cheol tried to lift your body, but, oddly enough, it was even heavier than before. sure you had vomited, as vernon suggested, but you didn't feel any better - the nausea was still there and all the strength in your body was just a memory. all you could do was cry "chae" he called her "chae, it's not okay" the trembling in your friend's voice finally confirming reality, was the last push before anxiety, or panic, or maybe both, took over. you began to hyperventilate, the little air that filled your lungs left and felt a horrible pressure in your chest. your legs were shaking involuntarily and although you could feel your friends holding you up, had no stability at all. you were falling. their voices were still present, calling out to you in sheer terror, lightly patting your face as the lights dimmed. until you could no longer open your eyes. it was barely a couple of minutes, seconds for you and an eternity for your friends, but your consciousness faded for a moment, and your body became completely lifeless. by the time you opened your eyes again, the white light blinded you slightly before could clearly see the face of your friends surrounding you again, swollen and drenched "fuck, she's awake!" cheol practically shouted. you quickly pulled yourself back up, taking a big breath of air before running back out to the toilet to vomit. chaeyoung followed, brushing your hair away from your face as she patted your back. you could still hear her sobbing.

"let's go home" you mumbled, relieving a little more of chae's fear, who was yet to come out of shock at how you had ended up. you, who had always been an angel, who once trembled at the thought of taking something illegal or dangerous, were now slumped over the toilet bowl, messed up and on the verge of something she would have regretted for the rest of her fucking life.

didn't have to ask twice, all of your friends without exception, even including vernon, never left leave your side for a second -genuinely scared after seeing you in such a situation-, left the place. as you dodged the crowd, you thought about what could have happened, and you couldn't even have asked for medical help without ruining your record and destroying your working future in the country. you thought about what had done to your friends, who felt helpless and lost without knowing how and when you had consumed so much as to push yourself to the limit. but most of all, being infinitely selfish, you thought about how the only person you would really want to walk you home that night, to comfort you, to hold you and not let go until the next morning, was yunho. but the only, and the last, thing you got from him after all, was a last glimpse of his arm around that other girl you had been seeing him with all night, without him even giving you a single glance as you left that fucking club.

as you walked away from his figure, blurring through the salt that irritated your eyes, realized something that clicked in your mind like the piece of a puzzle you had been trying to complete for too long, and it is that the bitter taste of failure that agonized in your head and that did not let you breathe was actually the certainty that you had lost the only thing you thought you could still keep from yunho after he betrayed you in that way, after confirmed that he did not love you by doing something like this, that he was not faithful to you, that he was not yours. you had lost the one thing you could still treasure as your greatest and darkest obsession, you had lost his attention.

and with that, you had lost him forever.

OKAY ITS HERE!!! i struggled too much with that part because, although i had been thinking about it for a while, i had no idea how to write it to try to convey a sense of real loss and despair. i hope i succeeded at least a little bit!!! and above all that you enjoyed reading it ♡ although it is the last part, there is still the epilogue!!!!! and i am seriously thinking if it should be a good or bad one... anyway, thank you very much for reading me and giving love to my work, i am infinitely grateful ♡

all the loveeeee

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘♡⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

☆tags☆ @yeosangsbbg @atinyluv238 @livingdeadlisa-blog @kunikku @yzaeseong @pearltinyy @txt-yaomi @tunaasan @honeyhwaaa

[haveyoureadthisqueerbook]

Hello! First of all: love this blog! Second: I read a lot of queer books and as it turns out a lot of them weren’t already on your spreadsheet so uh. Sorry in advance for what I’m about to do to your inbox/queue 😅

Ace of Spades by Faridah Àbíké-Íyímídé

Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo

Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli

The City in the Middle of the Night by Charlie Jane Anders

The Time Slip Girl by Elizabeth Andre

Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki

Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield

Legends and Lattes by Travis Baldree

The Queen of Cups by Ren Basel

Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust

Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron

This Poison Heart by Kalynn Bayron

This Wicked Fate by Kalynn Bayron

Werecockroach by Polenth Blake

In the Vanishers’ Palace by Aliette de Bodard

Wain: LGBT Reimaginings of Scottish Folktales by Helene Boppert and Rachel Plummer

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan

Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown

Tremontaine: The Complete Season One by Patty Bryant, Malinda Lo, Racheline Maltese, Joel Derfner, Ellen Kushner, Paul Witcover, and Alaya Dawn Johnson

This Other World by AC Buchanan

In Memoriam by Nathan Burgoine

The Dark Beneath the Ice by Amelinda Bérubé

Felix Ever After by Karen Callender

Last Bus to Everland by Sophie Cameron

Out of the Blue by Sophie Cameron

Once & Future by AR Capetta and Cory McCarthy

The Brilliant Death by AR Capetta

XX by Angela Chadwick

A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers

A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers

A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers

The Vela by Becky Chambers, Rivers Solomon, Yoon Ha Lee, and SL Huang

Black Water Sister by Zen Cho

The True Queen by Zen Cho

The Terracotta Bride by Zen Cho

The Water that Falls on You From Nowhere by John Chu

The Shape of My Name by Nino Cipri

A Dead Djinn in Cairo by P. Djèlí Clark

Girlhood by Cat Clarke

Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Córdova

Dreadnought by April Daniels

Sovereign by April Daniels

Thornfruit by Felicia Davin

Nightvine by Felicia Davin

Shadebloom by Felicia Davin

Her Majesty’s Royal Coven by Juno Dawson

Stay Another Day by Juno Dawson

Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi

Bitter by Akwaeke Emezi

The Drowning Eyes by Emily Foster

Bingo Love by Tee Franklin

Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey

Knit One, Girl Two by Shira Glassman

The Gilda Stories by Jewelle Gomez

We Go Around in the Night and Are Consumed by Fire by Jules Grant

Into the Drowning Deep by Mira Grant

The One Hundred Nights of Hero by Isabel Greenberg

Keeper of the Dawn by Dianna Gunn

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

The Outside by Ada Hoffman

The Fallen by Ada Hoffman

The Infinite by Ada Hoffman

Mindtouch by MCA Hogarth

Sing the Four Quarters by Tanya Huff

The Apocalypse of Elena Mendoza by Shaun David Hutchinson

The City of Woven Streets by Emmi Itäranta

Godkiller by Hannah Kaner

Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann

The Beast of Callaire by Saruuh Kelsey

The Lamb Will Slaughter the Lion by Margaret Killjoy

An Excess Male by Maggie Shen King

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe

Crimson by Niviaq Korneliussen

Godsgrave by Jay Kristoff

Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner

The Faerie Godmother’s Apprentice Wore Green by Nicky Kyle

Avi Cantor Has Six Months to Live by Sacha Lamb

When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb

Goldie Vance Vol. 1 by Hope Larson

Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor

Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie

Ancillary Sword by Ann Leckie

Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie

The Raven Tower by Ann Leckie

Not Your Sidekick by CB Lee

Not Your Villain by CB Lee

Not Your Backup by CB Lee

The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee

The Fever King by Victoria Lee

The Fox’s Tower and Other Tales by Yoon Ha Lee

Phoenix Extravagant by Yoon Ha Lee

Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger

Adaptation by Malinda Lo

Inheritance by Malinda Lo

Natural Selection by Malinda Lo

Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo

The Hand, the Eye, and the Heart by Zoë Marriott

Luna: New Moon by Ian McDonald

Luna: Wolf Moon by Ian McDonald

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire

Beneath the Sugar Sky by Seanan McGuire

Come Tumbling Down by Seanan McGuire

Forbid the Sea by Seanan McGuire

In Sea-Salt Tears by Seanan McGuire

The Unbinding of Mary Reade by Miriam McNamara

An Accident of Stars by Foz Meadows

A Tyranny of Queens by Foz Meadows

All Out: The No-Longer Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages ed. Saundra Mitchell

Thistlefoot by GennaRose Nethercott

Princess Princess Ever After by K. O’Neill

The Tea Dragon Society by K. O’Neill

The Tea Dragon Festival by K. O’Neill

The Tea Dragon Tapestry by K. O’Neill

Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta

Heartstopper by Alice Oseman

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker-Chan

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters

Stormsong by CL Polk

Soulstar by CL Polk

She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

The Tiger’s Daughter by K Arsenault Rivera

The Phoenix Empress by K Arsenault Rivera

The Warrior Moon by K Arsenault Rivera

A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland

Birthday by Meredith Russo

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo

The Midnight Lie by Marie Rutkoski

A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon

Dying for a Living by Kory M. Shrum

Two Dark Moons by Avi Silver

History is All You Left Me by Adam Silvera

More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera

The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrutskie

The Edge of the Abyss by Emily Skrutskie

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon

The Summer of Jordi Perez (and the Best Burger in Los Angeles) by Amy Spalding

The Traitor’s Tunnel by CM Spivey

Nimona by ND Stevenson

Chameleon Moon by RoAnna Sylver

Small Changes Over Long Periods of Time by KM Szpara

As I Descended by Robin Talley

Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley

Silver in the Wood by Emily Tesh

Drowned Country by Emily Tesh

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

No Gods, No Monsters by Cadwell Turnbull

Crier’s War by Nina Varela

Iron Heart by Nina Varela

The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo

When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain by Nghi Vo

Into the Riverlands by Nghi Vo

On a Sunbeam by Tillie Walden

Mooncakes by Suzanne Walker

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters

System Collapse by Martha Wells

A Big Ship at the Edge of the Universe by Alex White

The Black Tides of Heaven by Neon Yang

The Red Threads of Fortune by Neon Yang

The Descent of Monsters by Neon Yang

The Ascent to Godhood by Neon Yang

Waiting on a Bright Moon by Neon Yang

Taproot by Keezy Young

Phew! Finally got all of these queued! Thank you so much for the list, and for arranging them so neatly, which definitely made it easier to transfer over to a spreadsheet!

[watcherscrown]

Do you have any convoluted military sifi recommendations?

Ooohhh, I really just started in on the genre kind of recently, and not all of these are military/serious. Tones will vary.

To start with a tumblr-popular series and all time fave

The Murderbot Diaries

This series is funny, not That convoluted but has a lot of world building, and includes a lot of shenanigans. Murderbot is a rogue AI/android trying its very best to not get attached to these dumb fragile humans. (Task failed successfully).

Ancillary Mercy by Ann Leckie -

one of my few 5 star series. I love everything about the characters in this book. The main character is the AI of a destroyed spacecraft that is hundreds (thousands?) of years old. She used to be part of a hivemind made of overridden human corpses but is the only remaining part of the whole. And she's out for revenge.

Winter's Orbit and Ocean's Echo by Everina Maxwell

In all honesty, these are both really romance novels set in a space-opera/military backdrop. I think I liked Ocean's Echo more than Winter's Orbit but I'm a sucker for soul-bonding tropes. These are both m/m romance books set in the same universe but each is a standalone book, and you can read them in any order. I did them backwards and it didn't make much of a difference. Winter's Orbit has a murder mystery/conspiracy plot and Ocean's Echo focuses more on the military system.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir

Is it fantasy? Is it scifi? Is it horror? YES. The Locked Tomb series starts out as a science/magic system oriented And Then There Were None murder mystery set all in one house, but the universe is sprawling and covers much more than that. The sequel, Harrow the Ninth is much more experimental in its prose style, and takes place on a spaceship. The third installment, Nona the Ninth, is more traditional military scifi that takes place on a conflict-ridden colonized planet. All very good.

The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling

Okay this one's not really convoluted or military but it is sci-fi and I love it a lot. This is an extremely claustrophobic book with a two-person cast set in an abandoned mining cave on a distant planet (moon? i don't remember). Very spooky very good and I love the two VERY flawed characters and their whole dynamic. The main character lies her way into a job recovering something from this old cave system, but the woman on the other line has an agenda of her own.

EDIT: I totally forgot to mention the series I'm reading now, the first or which is Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee. it's about a space empire's extremely fucked up governing system and a military officer who gets bound to the revenant ghost of a dead war criminal. the first one is pretty dense but I'm enjoying the sequel better. Yoon Ha Lee is a trans man married to a man and these books have Lots of gender going on.

Things I haven't read yet but are on my list and I've heard good things about:

The Red Scholar's Wake by Aliette de Bodard

The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson

The Outside by Ada Hoffman

The Light Brigade by Cameron Hurley

[wcrstbehaviior]

location: cosme participants: cameron yoon & arthur quinn ( @art-quinn )

"you made it," cameron was ecstatic to see his boyfriend, a wide smile spreading across his face as he moved to greet him. normally, he would've been sure to arrive with arthur but he'd come directly from work, just like most of his coworkers. his bosses might've been treating them to dinner but they weren't about to give them any extra time off. "i promise we don't have to stay all night," his voice dropped to barely above a whisper.

[nepoupdates]

apparently cameron proposed to his boyfriend and wound up getting dumped instead ! just when i thought a member of the yoon family could have a normal love life !

that's  rough  .  anyways  !  your  mistake  was  believing  that  any  member  of  the  yoon  family  is  normal  .  cameron  is  the  most  normal-presenting  .  stable  career  .  long-term  relationship  with  a  college  sweetheart  .  boring  .  i'm  not  saying  i  was  preying  on  the  downfall  of  this  relationship  .  what  i  am  saying  is  that  everything  is  not  what  it  seems  .  i  said  they  were  the  couple  least  likely  to  break  up  .  the  odds  aren't  zero .  maybe  his  rebounds  will  be  far  more  interesting  than  his  previous  relationship  (  @wcrstbehaviior  )

[specialagentartemis]

speaking of Rowland, what changed your mind on grimdark stories? You used to post about how much you hated them lol

Hopepunk started to annoy me more lol.

It's been several things. Partially, it's just been years; I've gotten older, read more books, found authors I really really loved writing really bleak really sad really upsetting and really fascinating books.

Partially it's that I don't really believe in the definitions people use about grimdark anymore; the more I read, the more I feel it's a strawman stereotype that barely exists moreso than it's an actual social force in literature.

Partially I do stand by my irritation with a lot of dark and gritty remakes/reboots of mostly A/V media; Star Trek does not need to be a dark and gritty war story, LOTR doesn't need to be sexy, etc. They feel lazy and trend-chasing more than they feel like a genuine creative endeavor. Too often, they can feel like they're jettisoning the aspects that made me like them in an attempt to be more Mature by adding Violence and Swearing and Sex. I stand by that Star Trek Discovery wasn't good, and the fact that it felt like it was embarrassed that it had to be Star Trek when it really wanted to be Game of Thrones in Space was a big part of why.

But honestly that seems to primarily be happening in TV/movies, and it's stopped being nearly the inescapable social force it was 6-10 years ago. The zeitgeist moves on and new trends annoy me. In sci-fi/fantasy books, the movement seems to be in the other direction: hopepunk and cozy. And they have just. been bad books. So many of them have been bad in new and frustrating ways. In the same time period that hopepunk and cozy were on the rise in the sff zeitgeist, I also read books like The Fortunate Fall by Cameron Reed, Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee, and The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez... heavy and sad and serious and unhappy and with brilliant artistry that feels like it actually has something to say and isn't ignoring how humans actually act by saying "well it wouldn't be a problem if everyone was just nice :)" I read the bleakest, most upsetting, most depressing sci-fi book I've ever encountered, Harmony by Project Itoh, which he wrote while he was in and out of hospitals dying of cancer and it shows. It's unsettling and unnerving and upsetting and different, and you can tell it comes from the heart. Is it grimdark? Maybe, yeah. And it has value as literature, and I got a lot more out of it than I did from a lot of things touting how important they are for being Hopeful and Cozy and Conflict-Free.

Honestly, part of it is my natural plain contrarianism. When making fun, hopeful, funny, campy, or adventure-y things Dark and Gritty and Violent was held up as better and more inherently mature writing, it annoyed me and made me dislike it; now that violence and selfishness and cruelty and pain in stories seems to be considered immature and unnecessary, and rather hope, softness, gentleness, happiness, cheerfulness, conflict-aversion, and harmony are the Morally Correct and Mature ways to write stories, I resent that too. It ends up feeling trend-chasing and reductive, and when bland nothing books are held up as The Most Ethically Correct And Best Writing Because They Are Hopeful, it makes me just as annoyed as when dark and gritty TV is held up as The Most Mature And Serious Prestige Television.

Also, honestly, the world kept getting worse and sometimes I want media that acknowledges that I feel afraid and hurt and angry, and that things aren't all sweet and good and nice actually. It often makes me feel better, more seen, more understood, than media that goes actually everyone is nice and and problems are easy to solve and the world is basically just and people can be trusted to all be mature and good and reasonable. (And if you're ever impatient, or selfish, or snappish, or mean, or insufficiently hopeful... then you don't belong in our utopia. As someone who *gestures above* can be impatient, snappish, and mean... that doesn't make me feel all that hopeful.)

[diebullydie]

‘Die Bully Die’, ‘DAD’ triumph at Sony Catchlight Film Festival Awards

Nick and Nathan Lacey’s Die Bully Die and Jones Riley Eli’s DAD have won the fiction and non-fiction prizes at the Sony Catchlight Film Festival awards on Saturday.

The former follows Max, a man whose grudge against his high school bully begins to manifest in horrific ways when the pair reunite in a fancy restaurant 17 years later. In DAD, three children talk about a family tragedy – when their dad was diagnosed with brain cancer.

The short films were among five winners crowned at Sydney’s White Bay Power Station alongside Cameron Zayec’s Queen of Sin (Music Video), Ormsby Taniora’s The Great South (Student Fiction), and Elliott Sauvage’s Japan – Lost (Cinematic Social).

Now in their fourth year, the awards are designed to recognise filmmakers from Australia and New Zealand that have chosen to tell their stories with a Sony camera. Judging the 2024 entries were Mark Wareham (Fiction), Rachel Landers (Non-Fiction), Simeon Bryan (Student Fiction) and Sony Music (Cinematic Social and Music Video).

Sony Digital Imaging ANZ head Jun Yoon said this year’s Catchlight Film Festival had once again uncovered “amazing new talent who are so gifted in telling stories that move people”.

We are very lucky this year to celebrate all our finalists and winners at the the iconic White Bay Power Station in Sydney,” he said.

“Through a takeover of this incredibly unique location, we have also celebrated our 9th annual Alpha Awards, and to top it off, we will also have our inaugural open-to-the-public Tradeshow for our community to enjoy workshops and panel talks from over 30 creators and get hands-on with products at live demonstrations and experiences.”

Fiction Winner Die Bully Die by Nick and Nathan Lacey Shot on: Sony CineAlta VENICE and Sony CineAlta BURANO

[praeyrp]

Name: Abel Taziri Age: 78y Species: Kitsune (open; I didn't give their father a species so anything that can mix with a kitsune, works! Can also be 'dead' or mauled into something else!) Job: ex-convict > soon to be cartel based (open) Relationship: older brother Personality: angry, confrontational, brash, defensively aggressive FC: pls keep PoC (Omari Hardwick, Donald Glover, Don Benjamin, Abel Tesfaye aka The Weeknd)! Connections: Dani, Diego Cortez, Toni Cortez, Maria Cortez, Eleanor Lewin, Bastian Vega, Cameron Vega > Rafael Rosales & Vesper Yoon (dealers) > Justin Warrin, Isak Halvorsen (black market) Wanted ad: Here

So this is a pretty loosey goosey ad and has a lot of wiggle room. Abel is 13y older than Dani and he left home when she was only 5, so after he left what he did and who he was is largely up to you. Their mother was a flighty woman, a woman who rarely if ever settled down for long, so their childhood was spent moving around a lot. Dani didn't have any sort of formal education until she was 12, I wouldn't be surprised if Abel was voided that opportunity as well. When Dani was younger they were both homeschooled while they fluttered around France, they were largely left to be raised by the streets and they did whatever they wanted.

When Dani was 12, a man came into their mother's life who actually stuck around for a few years, Bastian Vega. It was Bastian that Dani chose to stay with and whom she now calls her father, their own father long since having jumped ship. Abel is technically older than Bastian, which made their relationship weird, and where Abel could and maybe should have rightfully hated the man, he was everything Dani needed, the stability and the structure to guide her down a better path than Abel was ever given. Their relationship is strained, though there's no real bad blood there, Abel still isn't all that keen on a man younger than him, playing father to his sister; doubly so as Bastian is chief of police.

Abel was a lot more like their mother than Dani is, and he gets on with her very well and is very close to her where Dani isn't. Dani doesn't hate her by any stretch, she just doesn't agree with the way their mother lives her life and how she left them largely on their own. Abel is also flighty and not the steadiest of people, ruled by his emotions and whims he tends to be brasher and more impulsive than Dani, the aggression and anger he has now was built up when this way of being was thrown headlong into a cage.

Along the way Abel got himself mixed up in slinging drugs (mainly coke, but you can go wild lol), who he was dealing for is up to you, but regardless he was pretty low down on the totem pole when he got picked up by police (again, up to you how this happened) and was charged with possession and intent to distribute. They'd find out while he was sat in jail waiting sentencing that he was embedded into something much larger than himself, and as fae do, he spun a good tale that he thought would get him out of things; spouting off about connections and tossing about street names to intimidate. It didn't work. Instead of getting out of, they tossed him into the prison system without a second thought, mostly this was done to use his self inflated status to get closer to the bigger fish.

After all, if they locked up a friend of said big fish, that fish would surely bail him out, right?

Turns out Abel wasn't as big as he said he was, and now the various secondary charges they've pinned to him, to sink him into the system and make it look like he squealed on the cartel he was working for, have fully dragged him under. He's become just another number in a system that's failing its people. Because of this, he's grown angry and aggressive behind bars. The only thing keeping him grounded in reality is his sister, Dani.

She moved across the country to help support him and has, since his detention, funneled everything she doesn't need to live, into lawyer fees and commissary funds. She's doing everything she can to see him free, while also trying to keep her grasp on the world around her and not lose what she's built for herself. Every other weekend she takes the train north to Fresno, Pleasant Valley State Prison (PVSP), to visit him. While there she always stays with her terrible boyfriend in Fresno, to save money that Abel needs.

Dani's sunny disposition however, has never once faltered and she's far to stubborn to give up on Abel.

Hard to play a man in prison, no?

So here's the deal with Abel in the present: Dani is currently working as a runner for the Cortez cartel, making a trip down to Mexico every few weeks to a month, as she's the most unassuming face they could find... And she asked for their help in protecting Abel on the inside. She was/is the babysitter to Diego & Lenny's daughter, Dia, which mixed her up into things initially. Diego has since sent his brother, Toni, to ensure that Abel's protected inside, and they would have known each other from prison anyway, as Toni was in, and has since gotten out, when Abel went in.

Dani's work within the Cortez cartel is minimal, but it's enough that she's since ensured Abel's release (to happen whenever he's taken). What Abel does within the cartel once he's out is up to you, but he'll basically be conscripted into the cartel, as he's indebted to them. He's very likely to hate that Dani's mixed herself up in all of this, and I'd love it if he did his best to shield her from it going forward... Which will become more difficult as times goes on as she and Toni are all wound up and around one another (and shipped), so it's a losing battle - but I'd love for there to be some tension between them to work through.

I'd also love it if Dani helped him get his GED while he was behind bars, could be part of the time they spent together during visitation; her tutoring him or bringing him fox marbles to help him learn, etc. They are very close and he's pretty different around her than he is anyone else; she's tiny and energetic and full of smiles, it's difficult not to soften around her. She does own a small little townhouse and she's converted the top floor specifically for Abel, when he gets out, though whether she stays there or not is up to you! She's also got a pseudo "brother" he'll have around, Cameron, who was taken in by Bastian as another wayward angry boy. How he feels about this is up to you, but there's another connection for him~

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

💖 Sapphic Books Coming Out June 2024

🩷 There's something especially sweet about a sapphic romance. Here are only a few of the amazing sapphic books hitting shelves in June 2024. Which ones are you adding to your ever-growing TBR?

💖 Which ones are you adding to your TBR?

Contemporary 💖 But How Are You, Really - Ella Dawson 💖 Hot Summer - Elle Everhart 💖 Pony Dakota - Nat Burns 💖 Wish You Weren't Here - Erin Baldwin 💖 Something to be Proud Of - Anna Zoe Quirke 💖 London on My Mind - Clara Alves, Nina Perrotta (translator) 💖 Please Stop Trying to Leave Me - Alana Saab 💖 Looking for a Sign - Susie Dumond 💖 Triple Sec - T.J. Alexander 💖 Pages from the Book of Broken Dreams - Kat Jackson 💖 Director's Cut - Carlyn Greenwald 💖 Furious - Jamie Pacton, Rebecca Podos 💖 Cicada Summer - Erica McKeen 💖 Tehrangeles - Porochista Khakpour 💖 Women - Chloe Caldwell 💖 Experienced - Kate Young 💖 Liddy-Jean Marketing Queen and the Matchmaking Scheme - Mari SanGiovanni

Paranormal/Horror 💖 The Pecan Children - Quinn Connor 💖 Private Rites - Julia Armfield 💖 The Deep Dark - Molly Knox Ostertag 💖 The Science of Ghosts - Lilah Sturges, El Garing (ill.), Alitha Martinez (contrib.) 💖 Wolfpitch - Balazs Lorinczi

Fantasy 💖 Mirrored Heavens - Rebecca Roanhorse 💖 The Fire Within Them - Matthew Ward 💖 Digging for Destiny - Jenna Jarvis 💖 Saints of Storm and Sorrow - Gabriella Buba 💖 Markless - C.G. Malburi 💖 Sleep Like Death - Kalynn Bayron 💖 The Afterlife of Mal Caldera - Nadi Reed Perez 💖 The Pale Queen - Ethan M. Aldridge 💖 The Unrelenting Earth - Kritika H. Rao 💖 Ballad for Jasmine Town - Molly Ringle 💖 Six of Sorrow - Amanda Linsmeier

Historical 💖 A Bluestocking's Guide to Decadence - Jess Everlee 💖 A Divine Fury - D.V. Bishop 💖 The Ballad of Jacquotte Delahaye - Briony Cameron 💖 Hall of Mirrors - John Copenhaver

Mystery/Thriller 💖 One Killer Problem - Justine Pucella Winans 💖 The Last Note of Warning - Katharine Schellman 💖 Shanghai Murder - Jessie Chandler 💖 And Then There Was One - Michele Castleman

Sci-Fi 💖 Lady Eve's Last Con - Rebecca Fraimow 💖 The Stars Too Fondly - Emily Hamilton 💖 Moonstorm - Yoon Ha Lee 💖 You're Safe Here - Leslie Stephens

[mitchbeck]

YOON POTS FIRST CAREER GOAL AS WOLF PACK BEAT BRUINS 5-2

By: Alex Thomas, Hartford Wolf Pack PROVIDENCE, RI—The Hartford Wolf Pack scored five goals on Sunday afternoon for the first time since February 2nd, claiming a 5-2 victory over the Providence Bruins at the Amica Mutual Pavilion. The win snapped the Bruins' five-game winning streak and gave the Wolf Pack points in five of their last six games (3-1-1-1). The Wolf Pack came up empty-handed on their first powerplay of the night but quickly struck five-on-five to extend the lead to 3-1 moments after it expired. Michael Callahan's shot evaded Dylan Garand and rocketed into the neutral zone, where Brett Berard found the puck. Berard blazed into the offensive zone on the left-wing side and fired a shot that beat Brandon Bussi for his team-leading 19th goal of the season at 6:02 of the second period. The tally moved Berard into a tie for third in the AHL in goals among rookies, which was his team-leading seventh game-winning goal. The Wolf Pack needed just 43 seconds to open the scoring this afternoon, as Karl Henriksson returned to the lineup in style with his ninth goal of the season. Henriksson corralled a loose puck along the right-wing boards in the offensive zone and curled it into the slot. The second-year center flung a shot to the net that clipped Brandon Bussi and found the back of the net. The goal was Hartford's fastest to start a game on the road this season. Ian Mitchell drew the Bruins even at 6:17, firing a shot into traffic for his fourth goal of the season. The puck snuck past Garand's glove, who was screened by numerous bodies from both sides. Bryan Yoon restored the Wolf Pack's lead just 1:58 into the second period, blasting his first career AHL goal by Bussi. Cameron Hillis dropped a pass from the right-wing boards to the top of the zone, where Yoon loaded up and fired into traffic. Bussi never saw the puck, giving Yoon his first point in his ninth AHL contest. Berard's goal at 6:02 made it 3-1 Wolf Pack. It was his first goal back in his hometown of Providence, where he also played college hockey as a member of the Providence College Friars. Anthony Richard drew the Bruins within a goal at 5:39 of the third period, potting his 20th marker of the season. Richard danced into the Wolf Pack zone before making a terrific individual effort that ended with a shot over Garand's blocker. Garand was perfect from there, however, as the Wolf Pack stymied the Bruin attack in the final 14 minutes of the game. Anton Blidh made a terrific effort, hitting the empty net from the neutral zone at 17:39 to effectively end the intrigue. Turner Elson also hit the empty net for good measure at 18:33, potting his fifth goal of the season. The win evens the season series, as both teams have won four times in the first eight meetings. The Pack is back at the XL Center on Friday night when the Bruins come to town for the final time this season. The puck drop is set for 7:00 p.m. Join us for $2 drafts and $2 hot dogs until the end of the first intermission! Additionally, help us welcome back Wolf Pack legend P.J. Stock! The first 1,500 fans in attendance will receive a P.J. Stock bobblehead courtesy of Xfinity. Tickets are available at www.hartfordwolfpack.com. # # # About OVG360: OVG360, a division of Oak View Group, is a full-service venue management and hospitality company that helps client partners reimagine the sports, live entertainment, and convention industries for the betterment of the venue, employees, artists, athletes, and surrounding communities. With a portfolio of more than 200 client partners spanning arenas, stadiums, convention centers, performing arts centers, cultural institutions, and state fairs around the globe, OVG360 provides a set of services, resources, and expertise designed to elevate every aspect of business that matters to venue operators. Service-oriented and driven by social responsibility, OVG360 helps facilities drive value through excellence and innovation in food services, booking and content development, sustainable operations, public health and safety, and more. ABOUT THE HARTFORD WOLF PACK: The Hartford Wolf Pack has been a premier franchise in the American Hockey League since its inception in 1997. The Wolf Pack is the top player-development affiliate of the NHL's New York Rangers and plays at the XL Center. The Wolf Pack has been home to some of the Rangers' newest faces, including Igor Shesterkin, Filip Chytil, and Ryan Lindgren. Follow the Wolf Pack on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok. HARTFORD WOLF PACK HOWLINGS Read the full article