#ableds be shocked when disabled people care about each other

[starfishinthedistance]

Was watching some news story with my dad that involved an autistic kid, and they were telling the story with the typical "ohhhhhh it's so Tragic™... their autism Takes Away from who they are...my life is so hard caring for them...we need a cure :((((((" thing, and I said to my dad "man it's so annoying how they always treat autistic people like burdens on everyone around them that need to be cured instantly. we don't need to cure autism, we need to be more accomodating"

And he goes "What do you mean it's annoying? You don't have autism?"

This just in folks: you cannot care about people who aren't you! Compassion? Allyship? What's that?

[am-i-interrupting]

Dating Someone With A Chronic Illness/Pain: Caitlyn, Ekko, Jinx, & Viktor

Caitlyn:

She wouldn’t always know what to do and there may have been a moment of shock when you told her if it wasn’t physically obvious but that moment was over as quickly as it began.

She would ask a lot of questions and do a lot of research in the beginning in order to make sure she didn’t do anything to cause you further discomfort and was able to help with any pain you had.

Breakfasts in bed were a common occurrence.

She would buy anything she could get her hands on in order to help make life easier for you.

Despite her occasional caution, she never underestimated you nor did she try to tell you what you could or could not do.

She trusted you to tell her your limits and if you didn’t prepare for a heartfelt lecture about how she just wants you to be okay.

If there was any part of your chronic conditions which made you insecure prepare for her to tell you why you shouldn’t be because always able to do things or not she cared for you the way you are, not the way you or society believe you should be.

Ekko:

Chronic conditions aren’t uncommon in the Undercity. Being surrounded by it his whole life, Ekko would simply nod and move on, or so it seemed.

He wouldn’t always outright ask what bothered you, trusting you to bring it up yourself if it was bad, but he did watch you and take not of things.

Check ins before and after missions if you went on them were common, though, because while he trusted you and didn’t try to stop you from doing what you wanted he still worried.

If your chronic conditions resulted in trouble walking prepare to be scooped up if he noticed you having particular trouble.

Massages were something he learned via trial and error but he tried to give you one at least once a week.

Jinx:

Jinx is consistent surrounded by people with disabilities so this is not new territory for her.

She doesn’t have access to fancy books or much of a filter so be prepared to answer a lot of questions— all in good faith if a little personal and strange at times.

She will try to make something that doesn’t explode in order to help you.

She made you a small massager. She steals it a lot in order to use it on her head but if she sees you looking for it or you ask about it it’s in your hands.

Sometimes she can be a bit oblivious to your physical restrictions but as soon as you point it out or she notices your discomfort she stops whatever it was she was dragging you along with and apologizes.

She has a list of all the symptoms you told her about and symptoms she’s noticed while around you. She often goes over it and ponders new ways to help you.

Once she snuck out to topside after hearing about something really expensive that might help you and she stole it with minimal casualties. Whether it worked or not, she didn’t know until she gave it to you but she did know she’d get in trouble with Silco.

Viktor:

When you first tell him about it (or tell him about more details), he listens and if you simply tell him what it is he’ll ask if you want to talk about it more or if you want to leave it be for now.

He will research it in the library but he won’t ask you too many questions, understanding how hard it can be to talk about these things, especially in places like Topside.

Occasionally he’ll ask you if you experience the same types of pain as he does even if your chronic conditions differed, simply to compare notes.

On the topic of he’d have a notebook filled with your chronic conditions and their symptoms as well as a section dedicated to how your conditions compared and contrasted each other.

Many grunts, sighs, and groans of unspoken understanding. If either of you made one there’d either be a verbal agreement or an unspoken one that you understood each others pain on some level.

Being one of the few around Viktor who also has a chronic condition, he’d probably be a little more likely to listen to you and sleep in an actual bed and remember to eat and drink since sharing the sometimes debilitating experience of a chronic condition made you both more prone to calling one another out in your bad self care habits.

He would randomly riffle through your pockets for pain meds if you kept them on you and you were free to do the same to him as sharing is caring.

[transparentair]

chance, basically just by nature of having zero context beyond "drug addict ptsd beserker: symbol of the Great Khans Current State of Affairs" is the oc of anyone who ever tries to extrapolate on him, but anyways my own hyper complicated exceedingly long and incomplete headcanon of his family sitch

cw for divorce and drugs and parental death and the fact that this is just shit i completely made up founded on literally nothing <3

also this was not written in an organised headcanon cluster. it's all train of thought.

mother and father were mercs employed by darion in the age of the new khans. his mother was known to be fairly headstrong and his father was known to be particularly good at cutting a deal.

mother and father were super in love with each other for a time, but after the chosen one wiped out the new khans, his father was permanently physically disabled (got shot in the spine and became paralysed in his lower body) and both of them developed PTSD and it really shook up their relationship

they had chance, not to fix their relationship, but because he was a #happyaccident that also happened to make them feel a bit hopeful for the future. But It Cannot Be Overstated How Much Parenthood Did Not Fix Them

they still went through a very slowburn divorce arc and mutually split after falling in love with other people when chance was approaching his preteens. chance tried to avoid them when the atmosphere was bad, so neither parents were particularly strong presences in his life once he passed toddler age and could be trusted to leave their line of sight without Dying Immediately

his mother did the bulk of the parenting on account of her being able-bodied, though chance's dad did his absolute best to contribute where he could. anything that could be done within the confines of their yurt was his domain (making sure chance got to bed and went to sleep, playing with toys, etc.)

since every single adult in the camp was painfully aware of chance's parents' situation, it was a vague "it takes a village" affair where everyone kept watch on chance but couldn't overstep in the situation. when his parents split, everyone felt bad for chance, but was also relieved and felt more comfortable stepping in directly to fill in the gaps (especially after chance outright rejected his stepmother's care at every turn)

father stayed with the great khans, but his mother left the great khans for the understandable reason of Not Wanting To Constantly Feel Endangered and also the very sad but unfortunately common reason of Not Wanting to Deal With Taking Care of a Disabled Spouse For The Rest of Her Life (While Also Being a Mother While Also Having Major PTSD and a Drug Abuse Problem) but also the reasonable reason of This Man Has Another Lover Who Can Do It So Why Should I Stay

chance was always hyperaware of the strained atmosphere and also confused by the situation, so it wasn't shocking when his mother left, but still deeply upsetting, and even worse when his father's new lover (in chance's view) swoops into their yurt literally before his mother's footprints have faded from the loose dirt on the floor.

chose to stay with his father anyway because he wanted his mother to change her mind and also felt like the great khans were home. and didn't want to leave the very shaky concept of home he had for something he knew nothing about all alone with (presumably, unaware of his mother's lover) only his mother

became emotionally estranged from his father since he blamed him for his mother's leaving. didn't have the perspective or knowledge to realise that both of his parents fell out of love with each other and fell in love with people, so the situation was actually better (for the parents but definitely hard on the kid). never really warmed up to his step mother and only really interacted with her after his father died. they never became particularly close, but he stopped being angry and bitter towards her by the time he was an older teen.

his father died when he was right on the cusp of becoming an adult and everyone was like "you really don't need to worry about initiation you should actually take a lot of time to process and grieve because that's really hard to lose both parents. PLEASE." but he kind of (seemed to) not gaf at all and nobody could FORCE him to not do his initiation.

the necklaces are almost like a family symbol. his mother gave him the circular necklace he wears before leaving and the little bone charm necklace was his from the start. his father had a necklace that his step mother tried to pass on to him, but he REALLY didn't want it.

chance DID inherit a really unfortunate genetic disposition to drug addiction from his mother, but it didn't go full throttle until it was his time to ride in the severe PTSD rodeo

chance was born with his father's darker brown hair but it turned blonde. he takes after his mother slightly more than his father appearance-wise, but he did get his father's incredibly funny resting bitch face syndrome and severe eyebrows. and his blue eyes (though his father's were greyer) but that's not as important. slash j

his quietness (even before he became fully nonverbal) was mostly just from his family situation growing up, but he was noted later on by attentive adults like oscar to have a surprisingly defensive disposition that was fairly similar to his father's when he was younger

[tryan-a-bex]

just wondering why are you so obsessed with fuckboi dream? i remember you handing me a long list of triggers when you'd offered to beta for me way back (completely valid) and fuckboi dream is like a minefield of untagged triggers like gang rape etc so the extreme switch seems a little worrying. hope youre doing well either way

Hi! This is actually an excellent question! Thank you for asking! (For anyone who is curious, we are talking about Fuckboi Dream Was Forced To Experience The Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Alive And All He Got Was This Stupid Husband (by Fall Out Boy) by @dancinbutterfly .)

When I started reading fanfic I had a bunch of unaddressed stuff and I wasn’t sure how it was going to affect me. In most stories I could just read on and deal with it, but for beta reading I have to concentrate on it so I’m still more careful when beta reading.

So as things went on, what happened was that I was not affected by some of the things I thought would be triggering, and I was bothered by the seemingly harmless domestic scenes. The only scene in FBD that has caught me off guard was one where Hob buys jewelry for Murphy. Dishwashing was an issue in a fic. People don’t tag for these things. I avoided pregnancy fics for a while. (See, also, if something bugs me a bit, I can read it anyway and get used to it, and then it bothers me less in real life too. It’s great for exposure therapy, but the warning helps. This is why I can read Corinthian fics now—practice.)

And what I realized was that the issue for me is not what is going on, but whether there is clear consent (or at least a clear recognition that it’s not consensual, as in some of @mallory-x’s excellent bdsm fics). Fuckboi Dream is one of the best fics I’ve read for bdsm protocol—it’s showing that past issues like gang rape can be healed through very consensual relationship but it doesn’t have to be vanilla.

See, even my vanilla relationships had lots of non-consensual stuff. Assumptions, expectations, and just plain differences of opinion that ended up harming me. Generally not violent, just every day stuff. Through FBD and Dancing with the Brutes by @lostelfwriting I learned that I can have what I want in a relationship and it can be consensual and it can be rough and that’s okay.

So I struggled with the questions that raised for months. Then I started researching. Then I joined the local bdsm community. After being too scared to date for a dozen years, now I’m coming up on my one year anniversary with my new partner who understands consent and gives me what I want. I can say yes to flogging and no to dishwashing, if I want (and I do). I have a lot of new kinky friends. I don’t have to worry about them being creepy because they understand consent. The community understands consent, so as long as I can say no (that’s my job) or safeword, people will jump in to help me if I need it (and I’ve done it for others). (You have to be able to say no. My belief is that you are not ready for any relationship if you can’t give and take a clear no. But especially a bdsm relationship.)

Knock on effects continue. Once I had a partner, I was able to find a therapist too. After getting my autistic knuckles rapped one time too many in another server, I found a home with the lovely people in the FBD server, where the rules are transparent and not difficult to follow and the conversation doesn’t run too fast for me to follow, and many of us have disabilities and histories so our stories don’t shock each other.

So, yeah. Absolutely, don’t go blind into FBD. The gang rape was probably initially tagged but there’s a tag limit so the list has been edited. (And in that situation, it didn’t bother me because Murphy considered it kinda consensual—he got into it on purpose— it was his friends who were horrified because he struggled to get out of it—the whole point of the story is that he deserves better and he can have rough without losing consent.) Beyond all the bad stuff which happened to Murphy and Desire, it’s a story about getting hurt searching for love, and then healing with the help of friends (at least the first 22 chapters). I needed that, and it changed my life.

[skyfallslayer]

The Darkness In Me || Story 2: Auld Acquaintances

-Kingpin!Matt Murdock x Vigilante!Reader-

Main Masterlist || Series Masterlist

🖤 Series Summary: You were shocked to find out your childhood friend turned out to be the Kingpin of the underworld, but you had to put those thoughts aside to bring him down. You were Hell’s Kitchen vigilante, its protector. There's no valid reason not to stop him. However, when your hidden feelings for him start to surface once more, how will you be able to even think about bringing him down?

🖤 Story Summary: Deciding you have no choice anymore, especially how your new partner scared you half to death, and the police in this city seemed not to care, your hundred percent committed to becoming a vigilante. But before you could do this, you run into an old childhood friend and his business partner. But unknowingly to you, he’s not the same little boy you remembered hanging out with. He’s… something else entirely.

🖤 Date: 10/08

🖤 Rating: Mature

🖤 Word Count: 7,962

🖤 Warning: Alcohol Consumption; Small Reference to Past Abuse/Child Abuse; Small Reference to PTSD; Small Reference to Past Non-Con/Rape; Heavy Language; Talks of Murder(ing); Talks of Death/Dying; Disability Talk; Nightmares. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

🖤 A/N: Let me know if I missed anything above. Any who, this is where all the fun begins! Plus, Matt's finally here! Along with a few other familiar faces. I don't have much else to say, except enjoy!

You felt like your head was going to split with each memory. But… this was normal for you, believe or not. I guess it comes with the job. Or… did it just naturally come to you with your life?

You suppose so. Could you blame yourself for having these? Could you point fingers at yourself for causing these obstacles? You shouldn’t. It’s not like any of it was your fault, but there was no one here to tell you to not take the blame. No one to coddle you and tell you that everything will be alright.

.

You could still smell the smoke and feel the glass in your skin. Your whole world was sideways as you stared in shock and denial as the victims never moved.

“MOM! DAD!” You screamed, your lungs burning with fear as they never would be able to call back to you; To tell you that they’re okay and everything will be fine.

.

.

“No! Stop! IT HURTS!!” Your pleading sobs were on death’s ears as your Aunt continued pushing your head face down onto the table; Detest in her eyes. 

“After the stunt you pulled, there’s no way I want another mutant in this household.” She spat, letting the people she hired do their work as they started making an incision in the base of your neck.

You tried wiggling out their grasp but to no avail. “Please! It was an accident! I didn’t mean to!!”

.

.

You felt his hand touch your thigh after he kicked you in the dirt; His companions howling with laughter in the background. Like this situation you were brought into was the highlight of their week.

“Awe, baby girl. You’ve got to know your place or you ain’t going to be moving up.” One cooed, cupping your face with his hands, giving you enough view of the stars on his uniform. Certainly more than you have right now. 

You tried to crawl back, but the two other people present had blocked you from behind, busting a gut again. The other man’s hands were back on your face again, and he was chuckling too.

“Awe. Don’t worry, sweetheart. Just a little taste is all I need.” He slimed before smacking his lips over yours, ruining you.

.

.

It was stupid mistake.

You should have waited for your partner instead of running off on your own. 

You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot. You should have waited. You should have waited. You–

You honestly thought the universe would grant you this. To grant you a chance to catch the man you’ve been hunting for weeks, but…

No.

No. Now you’re laying on the ground, your spine feeling funny as you feel the pool of blood grow around your head.  

Damn it. You thought. You really thought you had this one in the bag as you started to fade to black just as your partner’s voice broke out into a scream.

.

.

“Pl-Please. Y-You have to let me go. I-I have to…” You croaked as your veins felt hot and bubbly, your mind started to buzz, and your eyes started to lose their natural color.

You kept begging and pleading but they wouldn’t listen. You know their criminals, and you know they deserve any kind of punishment but…

You don’t want a repeat of what happened in your childhood. You actually want to avoid hurting anyone again with your abilities, you–

But they started grabbing you and beating you, they started pulling at your limbs and clothes, spewing slurs and hate ‘cause you were the one with the shiny gold badge, you were the one that was supposed to bring them in. And they weren’t having it.

You continued to try to reason with them, feeling the buzzing getting louder and louder, and your fingertips started to glow red and–

They pulled you one last time, which was enough for everything to go haywire, which was enough for you scream an apology and you realize you were–

.

“NOOOO!!” You gasp awake, your hands frantically attacking the air. It took you always a couple seconds to realize where you were and that everything was just a dream a nightmare. Your adrenaline died down with your heart beat, your shaky breaths were cooling too. 

“A dream…” You pants, and lick your chapped lips. “Always a dream…”

Subconsciously, you touched the back of your neck feeling the scar. You were surprised you could still feel how prominent it is after all these years. Especially since maybe you deserved it being there.

You sighed with your eyes closing, taking a deep breath before deciding to look at the clock; Unfortunately realizing it was time to go to work.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

You finished getting ready, packing up your bag while you waited for your toast to pop. You groaned at your appearance, you took note of the dark circles under your eyes when you passed by the cheap mirror you bought for yourself, and quickly strolled to your bathroom for some concealer. You did the best you could to look somewhat normal, washing your hands afterwards, and nearly dried off your hands on the costume you wore the other night.

You paused as you remember randomly putting it on before deciding you were going to kick your neighbour’s ass for hurting his wife. A stupid hoodie with cargo pants and a bandana you didn’t even realize you had. Not to mention that you did have some old mittens on that had to be tossed when you couldn’t get the blood off them (And trust me, you’ve tried every remedy out there).

To be honest, you were debating going out there after that night. Even though it felt… good… you weren’t sure how people in the public would feel if suddenly a vigilante decided to show up out of the blue. 

You frown, and almost left it.

Almost.

A split step outside the bathroom, and you had already made your mind up. “Oh, fuck it.” You mumbled and snagged it off your hook, rolling it up and stuffing it into your bag (along with the boots you wore that night). 

You grabbed your piece of toast and were ready for whatever work throws at you today.

And not that you were ready for any of this today.

When you finally entered the police department you immediately felt everyone’s surprised stare towards you. Every. Single. Person. They were all staring at you, not even trying to hide it. However, they weren’t surprised by the fact that you finally decided to come into work several days later, but by the fact that you were actually at work. You could tell that they were surprised that you were still… well…

Alive.

I guess they really thought that this ‘Kingpin’ was going to get you.

Cowards. You were scared of nothing. You kept a straight face as you walked past everyone who was still gawking at you like a zoo animal. You somehow managed to keep your cool even when Grimm came running up next to you.

“L-Lieutenant! You’re okay!” He spewed out, looking and sounding like was actually worried (Was he?). “We were wondering if you–”

You throw up the bird and give him a cold glare. “Fuck off, Grimm.” You reply, and exited the area for the locker rooms in the back. But as you were passing by, a man next to the water fountain caught your attention.

“Lieutenant, huh?” His voice raspy and low, almost like he was giving up and fighting at the same time. “You wouldn’t happen to be the new girl, are you?”

You pause your movement to get a good look at him. A man, who you assumed was just a bit older than you, stood about five-eleven with dark hair with the sides shaved, and had a nasty looking scar over his right eye. You took notice of the pack of cigarettes in his hand and how wrinkled his clothes were. 

Interesting.

“That would be.” You said, keeping your guard up in case this was another asshole. You watched him as he checked you out head-to-toe before chuckling quietly.

“Huh. So that would make you my new partner.” He said, with a bit of amusement.

Now it was your turn to act surprised. “Wait… you’re Castle?”

“That’ll be me.” He shifts his stance towards you and holds his calloused hand out. “Captain Frank Castle.”

You shook it. “Detective Y/N L/N.” 

“You introduce yourself as Detective?”

“I like it that way. Gives me… a more mysterious vibe.”

He snorts, his lips quirking up into a smile. “I like you already. See, I prefer Captain. Gives me… a sense of dominance when I’m out in the field.”

You tilt your head, playing coy. “Well, I can certainly see that.”

“Hmm. Sassy. You remind me of someone I know.” His smile fades a little before standing straighter, shoving the pack of cigarettes into his pocket.

“Hopefully that’s a good thing.” You reply, smirking.

“Maybe…”

“Yo! Castle!” A cop said from down the hall. “Boss wants a word with you. Now!”

Frank sighs, throwing his head back. “Ah, our bastard Commander needs a word. Fun.” He said, blowing one last puff of air before putting out the bud on the water fountain, littering. “We’ll catch up later, kid.”

Kid? You raised an eyebrow at him as he watched him walk away. The man that was officially your partner. The man that’ll have to be your mentor for a while. The man that…

.

.

.

Seemed just as messed up as you are.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

You weren’t even at the station for an hour when Grimm suddenly appeared next to you, scaring the living hell out of you. “Jesus, man.” You reply, nearly spilling your coffee. “What?”

“So what did he make you do?” He asked, a mixture of worriedness and curiosity (a very odd but seemingly dangerous mix you do say so yourself).

“What?”

“What did he make you do?” He repeated, making you bat your eyes at him, puzzled. 

“Who? Our Commander? Or Castle?” You asked, because you were not following. “Frankly, I haven’t really spoke much to any of them, except–”

“No, no, not them. Him.”

“Who’s ‘him’?”

“You know… the big boss.” Grimm subtly looked around before whispering, “The Kingpin.”

You scoffed immediately. “What made you think he made me do something?” You asked, watching him get taken back by your answer.

“W-Well, you’re… alive, So I thought–”

You sigh, and start walking back towards your desk with him on your heels. “What makes you think I wasn’t alive?”

“Well, we didn’t see you for a couple days. So we thought–”

“I wasn’t feeling it. And besides, I told you, I ain’t following this… ‘program’ unless he comes face-to-face and tells me himself. I don’t want any of his goons coming and telling me to do something.”

“B-But–” Grimm speeds up so he’s slightly ahead of you. “That’s how he does business. He rarely makes an actual appearance. He–”

“Then I ain’t doing anything that’s not an order from my Commander.” You said, picking up the speed as well, hoping to get away from him and end the discussion (or at least see if he takes the hint). You start taking a sip of your drink, but unexpectedly, he knocks it out of your hands, letting it fall to the floor. You looked at him in disbelief just as he grabbed you by the shoulders.

“Lieutenant, listen to me. If you don’t accept the program, bad things are going to happen. And since, it sounds like you’re all alone in your life, there will be no blackmail, only death.” Grimm explained, and his hands started trembling at the thoughts he was thinking. “I-I could, or a-anyone here, could reach out to him; We can ask him to give you an assignment instead of accepting and waiting for an invitation. We can just–”

You threw his hands off of you, giving him the cold glare from earlier. “I’m going across the street for a new coffee. I’ll be back.” You start walking away once more. “Or maybe I should just bring a whole case of booze for myself, seeing how this day’s already turning out.”

You felt everyone’s eyes on you again as you started leaving the precinct. And of course, the little leech that had attached itself to you was still following you, even to the outside world.

He stops on top of the stairs, shouting, “You have to accept the program, L/N! It’s the only guarantee that everything will be alright here!”

You growled under your breath as you turned around. “Will you shut the fuck up already?! I ain’t accepting shit unless he tells me himself!” You watched as he shuttered, and everyone passing by looked at you like a madman. “What are you all looking at?! Do your own fucking jobs and stop worrying about mine!”

That seemed to do the trick, as they all disbanded, heading back inside to mind their own business. You groaned and closed your eyes while running a hand through your hair, just thinking. You can’t believe this shit was still going on. I mean, you should have expected it, but you were holding onto a slimmer of hope that everything was going to be a-okay.

Jesus, Why can’t they leave me–

“You changed your name.” A voice creeped up from behind you, feeling the air get knocked out of you. Trying to not look so startled as your head whips around, looking down the stairs. That voice sounded… what exactly?

You were met with, in your opinion, a very handsome looking man, probably around your age; Nicely combed chestnut colored hair with a pair of red shades, complementing the slick black, neatly pressed suit he had on. He looked like a man ready for business.

Even though he was kind of captivating to look at, you just continued to stare as your brain processed everything that he just said. 

And It did take you a minute to finally understand why he sounded familiar, a memory buried just beneath the surface of your delegate mind.

You blinked, slowly putting it together, finally stringing the courage to say–

“...Matthew… Matthew Murdock?” You asked, still unsure. 

He chuckles softly, flashing those pearly whites. “That would be me.”

Your eyes widened with shock as you took a step down towards him. “Oh my… oh my god. I didn’t think… I didn’t think I’d see you again. Your–” You trail off when you finally notice the cane he was holding. Though, it was not just any regular cane that anyone could have. 

Cane and shades. Oh my god, he’s–

He strangely sensed what you were looking at, and gave you a bittersweet look. “I know I look different since the last time we’ve seen each other.” 

Your face flushed with embarrassment. “Oh, I-I didn’t mean–”

“No, no. I know. I get it. Um…” He shifts his weight around, copying with your own feelings. “Are you… free to get some coffee?”

“Coffee? Um…” You shake your head when you even give your job another thought, and smile. “Sure. I’d love to.”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

“So…” You were trying to figure out how to start this conversation as you both leave the cafe, drinks in hand. “How… How’ve you been? Since it’s been, um…”

“So…” You were trying to figure out how to start this conversation as you both leave the cafe, drinks in hand. “How… How’ve you been? Since it’s been, um…”

Wait. How long has it been? You thought, racking your brain which he seemed to have read.

“Twenty years? Give or take.” He said, with a small smile.

You gasp under your breath. “Jesus, it’s really been that long?”

“It sure has.” He said, a sadness in his undertone. “Um… I’ve been good. I can’t complain.”

You smile softly. “Well, that’s good to hear, Matt–” You shake your head again. “Uh, Matthew. Not, Matt, I uh–”

He chuckles. “You can call me Matt, Y/N. No need to be formal.”

“I can?” You asked, and he nodded. You sigh. “I’m sorry, I’m just… trying to get used to this feeling again. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I get it.” He grins just like you remember from your childhood. “When you do get used to it, should I… call you ‘Peaches’ again?”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” You teased immediately, and pointed. “That name’s embarrassing.” 

“Why? I think it’s adorable.”

“Not in the way I got it!”

“So you confused it for another fruit, I think it should still hold up.”

“I was four! You big tease.” You both had arrived at a crosswalk, and subconsciously you grabbed onto his arm for him to stop. You quickly realized what you did, completely embarrassed.

Way to make it awkward, Y/N!! 

“Shit, sorry! I-I shouldn’t have grabbed onto you like that!” You said, as you try to iron out the wrinkle on his sleeve you made.

“It’s okay, Y/N. I’m used to people grabbing me like that.” He says, truthfully. “My friend Foggy helps string me along all the time.”

You raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry… Foggy? Please tell me that’s–”

He holds his hand up. “It’s a nickname. He’s my old college roommate who snores like a foghorn.”

“Oh, thank goodness. I was about to say. Who names their kid that?”

He laughs. “Foggy probably would.”

“What’s his real name?”

“Franklin. Nelson.” Matt says as they start crossing the street.

“Franklin ‘Foggy’ Nelson.” You tilt your head at him. “So an old roommate?”

“Roommate, friend, and partner. We’re attorneys.” He clears up after feeling your confused stare on him. “We started our own law firm.”

You looked at him in awe. “Really? You’re a lawyer?”

“Yep.”

“Wow. That’s amazing. Just like your Mother.” You missed how his face fell as you thought of the beautiful brunette woman, always dressed like a goddess in your young eyes (She also made the best pie you’ve ever eaten). You smile at the memory, as the two of you get to the other side. “How is Maggie, by the way?”

“She’s…” You could feel how tense the air had become. “Passed away.”

You nearly stopped in your tracks, the wind getting knocked out of you. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry I didn’t know.” You sigh. “Jeez, I am really fucking up today, aren’t I?”

“You didn’t know though.” He points out as you shake your head.

“I know, I know, but still.” 

Times like this I wish I had telepathy as a power. 

You took a moment to process this before deciding to carefully test the waters. “Do you mind me… asking how it happened?”

“Not at all.” He replies, sadly. “Uh, car accident. Same one that blinded me.”

“Jesus. I’m so sorry, Matt.”

“It’s okay. She had a good life. I can dwell too much on what happened.” He stops and points with his stick. “Uh, here it is.”

You look up at the office building, a few signs lingering in the front to show what’s there. Of course your eyes beeline to the one you were looking for. “Nelson and Murdock: Attorneys at Law.” You read aloud, not hiding your smile. “Not bad, Mr. Attorney.”

“Please, Attorney’s fine.” He joked, sensing your happiness.

“Wow.” You look back at it and then back at him again, wondering, “Can I see?”

He seems taken back by it, but happily obliges. “Uh, of course.” He gestures to the door. “Head up the stairs, second on the left.”

You curiously head inside as he follows you, letting you lead until he has to unlock the door. Once you are inside, color yourself impressed by it. Now, it’s not the fanciest law office you’ve ever seen or been in, but it was definitely something you could rant about.

You whistle slowly, nodding in excitement. “Whoa. Sweet place.” You said, spinning back around to him.

“I don’t think it’s that luxurious.” Matt said, letting you walk around.

“Why not? I mean, sure, it’s small, but not a lot of people who start their own business would get something like this. It’s amazing.” 

He quirks a smile. “I guess. Still could’ve got something better.”

“And how would you do that?” You raise an eyebrow with a teasing look. “You won the lottery and haven’t told Foggy yet?”

“Something like that…” He shifts his weight over, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.” You reply, tossing your empty cup away, listening.

“Why did you change your name?”

You paused. “Hmm?”

“What’s with L/N?” He asked, confused. “What happened to Maximoff?”

Your heart sank. You didn’t expect him to realize so soon. “Uh…”

Suddenly the door opens to a bubbly blond man. “Matt, you’re here. We have a client who’s urgently coming over here– or is that her?” He looks puzzled, holding his head. “I swear it was a man on the phone…”

“Oh, I’m not a client.” You said, shaking your head. 

“Foggy, this is Y/N. I ran into her this morning.” Matt replies, gesturing towards you with his walking stick.

“Y/N?” His hazel eyes widened. “Wait, like… Y/N? As in your childhood friend?” Foggy asked, with a grin.

“You… talked about me?” You said, looking over at Matt who seemed almost embarrassed by that.

“Oh, Matty here wouldn’t shut up about you.” Foggy steps closer holding out his hand that you take. “Foggy Nelson.”

“Y/N L/N.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Miss. So what brings you here? I remember Matt saying something like, ‘you moved many years ago’.”

“Yeah, actually. Why are you back here?” Matt asked, curiously. “‘Cause I’m pretty sure you’re not here on a vacation.”

“Uh…” You cleared your throat, nervously. “You would be correct. I… I was on a job, I’m a detective, and I kind of… messed a very tiny thing up that my superior lost his shit on; Instead of demoting me, my punishment was to relocate back here.”

Foggy whistles slowly. “Damn. What did you do?”

“I’m… still not hundred percent sure about that myself.” You shrugged. “I still think it wasn’t a big deal.”

A laugh. “Well, Thank you for being honest, Miss L/N.”

“Please, Y/N’s fine, Mr. Nelson.”

“And please call me, Foggy. Mr. Nelson was my father.”

You snort, and lightly elbow Matt in the arm. “Oh, I like him. I can see why you attached yourself to him.”

“Are you kidding?” Foggy scoffed playfully. “I’m the one who attached myself to him.”

Matt grins, following along. “Well, I can’t exactly see what got attached to me.” 

“Oh, you’ve got blind jokes now, too?” You asked, not surprised. 

“Of course, what else would I do?”

“Was he a smartass like this when you were kids?” Foggy asked, making you nod eagerly. 

“Oh, yeah. You have no idea.” You reply, honestly. You remember Matt always being a bit of smart ass, even at a young age. A quick look at your watch told you it was time. “I know you have a client coming, so I should probably take my leave.”

“You sure?” Foggy asked, sounding disappointed. “You could pretend to be our secretary.”

You laugh. “I would love to play pretend, but I’m technically still on the clock. So…”

“Awe. I just met you and I want you to stay.”

“It’s not like she’s disappearing again, Foggy.” Matt says, before shifting in your direction. “Right?”

“I promise I won’t disappear again.” You smile. “Uh, well… you know where I work. Come by anytime.”

“Will do.” 

You take your leave, and as soon as they don’t hear your footsteps, Foggy faces his friend with the biggest, cartoonish look on his face.

“I can practically hear you grinning.” Matt said, hearing him skip towards him like a kid.

“Oh, come on!” Foggy says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “I don’t need super hearing like you to see she was flustered. I think you might be leaning away from the childhood friend zone, Matt.”

“Foggy, I haven’t seen her since I was nine. Maybe she was just happy to see me too.

“Okay, again, don’t need super hearing to tell you’re lying. Besides, you’re Matthew Murdock; The guy who somehow picks out all the pretty women wherever he goes.”

“And… how would I know if Y/N’s beautiful?”

“I don’t know. You describe her as being cute.”

“Yeah, and I was saying that from a nine year old’s point of view.” Matt points out, hearing him sigh. Although, the quietness didn’t last long when he admits that his curiosity has peaked. “What does she look like now?”

Foggy grins again, slinging his arm over his shoulder. “Okay! She’s gotten taller, Obviously. She was wearing a white blouse with a black blazer and pants, very professional looking.” He explains as his friend listens along. “Uh, she still had (Y/H/C) colored hair, which was tied up in a messy bun, and had a few strands in her face, probably from this weather. Uh, you know, (Y/E/C) eyes, uh, some makeup, but not too much. Just the right amount. Uh–”

Matt chuckles. “You’re really going into this one.” He tilts his head playfully. “Shall I set up a date?”

Foggy lightly swats him in the arm. “Can it.” He says, before looking quite prideful of himself. “I, my dear friend, am a happily married man. I think Marci might throw me off the roof If I did.”

“And probably stage it like an accident.”

“Exactly.” He points and sits down in one of the chairs. “I love her too much to do that. But you, on the other hand, don’t have to hesitate.” Foggy points out as his friend sighs. “Come on, Matt. What’s the harm in it? What are you afraid of? Your disability? Your heightened senses? ‘Cause I don’t think she’s going to care about either of those.”

“She’s going to care about something…” Matt mumbles, making the blond perk up.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Foggy hums and straightens up. “Well, if it’s not going to be a date, you can at least invite her out to the bar on Thursday with us. Because I deserve to know about your childhood.”

Matt raises an eyebrow. “I’ve told you about my childhood.” 

“Yeah, but I want it from her point of view. You know–” He shrugs. “Maybe you left out some embarrassing details?”

He laughs and shakes his head. “Okay, let’s get that paperwork ready for our client, alright?” 

Foggy sighs, playfully. “Fine. Party pooper.” He whines, and then smiles. “But seriously, drinks with her, por favor?”

“I guess I can.” Matt said, admitting defeat as his friend shoots his hands in the air, standing up from his chair towards the printer.

“Thank you!” He sings, getting a laugh…

And a very subtle…

Frown.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

You shut the locker you were using loudly before carefully making sure everything was still inside (You still weren’t sure who could even trust in this place). Once you saw everything is, you slung your bag over your shoulder and exited the room, surprised to find your new partner just outside like on repeat.

“Captain?” You said, confused (You wondered if he needed something, or maybe you two finally had a case together).

“Detective.” Frank said, after a puff from his cigarette. “Where’d you run off to this evening?”

“Just some fresh air.” You reply, shocked that he didn’t even sound mad. “Plus, I… ran into someone I knew. Decided to catch up.”

“Hmm. I get it. It can get suffocating here.” His dark eyes trailed down from your face, looking deep in thought (It was starting to make you nervous).

“Captain?” 

“Your badge is all twisted in your collar.” 

You didn’t even get the chance to look at it yourself before he was leaning in close and started fixing it himself. You stood stiff and confused, not sure what to even say or do. And you really weren’t sure what to do when you suddenly felt his lips by your earlobe.

What is he–

“The walls have ears.” He whispers, making you quietly gasp. You watch him pull away with a smile, and then loudly say, “Want to come with me to the vending machine?”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

You trained yourself to relax, realizing that you officially know now that someone in the building was watching and eavesdropping on you. You had to act like you were completely unaware of anything, just like you have been since you started here. You stood next to Frank as he was acting like he was trying to decide what he wanted as he started speaking quietly to you.

“I can tell you’re not in the program.” Was the first thing he said, surprising you once again.

“How can you tell?” You asked, also looking preoccupied.

“‘Cause you don’t look scared to death when someone starts talking to you.”

“I could say the same thing about you.”

“Well…” His frown comes and goes on his face. “Hate to break it to you, but I am.”

You let the shock hit your face before washing it away. “You accepted it?” You asked, as he nodded. You couldn’t even believe it. “Why? And what did they make you do?”

“I had to.” Frank admitted. “I needed to prove myself to the… cause.”

“What did you do?”

He glances at you for a second. “I killed the cop that went against the program’s orders.” He must have seen the way you paled because he apologized. “Sorry. But I didn’t enjoy it if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m just trying to stop all this bullshit.”

“Stop?” You asked, intrigued. 

“Yeah. Like it should have all those years ago.” 

“What do you mean?”

“There was a different Kingpin who ran the city years ago. His name was Wilson Fisk, and unlike the new one, he showed the world who he was; He wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. Until… something or someone slipped up, and he was finally charged for all his crimes.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. The public thought it was all over, and they still do. They don’t even realize that another person has claimed the throne of the underworld. Except us on the task force.”

You inhale sharply. “Jesus.”

“Yeah.” He mutters, not even hiding his frown. “Listen, Detective. I’ve read your file and color me impressed; Like, really fucking impressed. You’ve done some amazing things in your career.”

Your heart flutters at the compliment. “Thanks.” However you couldn’t help but wonder what if he was aiming at something else. “But…?”

“But… there will be consequences if you don’t expect the program.”

You scoffed quietly. “So I’ve been told.”

“And you should take it to heart, Kid.” He said, sincerely. “Look, I admire your… hard headedness, and I’ll try to support your decision as much as I can, ‘cause you’re my partner. But you’re going to face the worst of the worse. You’re going to have verbal and physical threats, your job’s going to get tougher, and you’re probably going to have people try to kill you.”

“So I’ve been told.” You said again, making him grow quiet. 

Very quiet. You could almost sense the–

“I might have to kill you.” 

And then your eyes widened again, this time, your fear really showed. You saw that Frank seemed uncomfortable by what he said (and could you even blame him?).

“I’m your partner, I’m going to be the closest person to you while you’re working here, so it’s highly likely. And I really don’t want to.” Frank meets your gaze, guilt inside his orbs. “But I have a family, Kid. If it comes down to a choice, I’m going to have to choose them over you. You understand?”

You nod slowly. “I understand.”

“Good.” He decides to finally pick what he wanted out of the machine, finishing with, “Just consider everything I said. Because I want to work with you, you seemed like a good fit for me; And I want you to be by my side if we take this guy down.” He reaches down to grab the candy, handing it over to you with a smile. “I’ll see you around.”

You take it in your grasp, watching him leave the room with his work façade on and airtight. Now you were left with all your emotions swirling, leaving you to think everything over rapidly.

I wonder how many people are like Frank. Would I be the same way if I still had my family? It hurts you think about it, but who wouldn’t in a situation like this?

You glanced down at your bag.

.

.

.

That once glance is what you needed to make your choice.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Dawning the all black attire once more, you walked along the dark parts of the city, keeping your eyes peeled and ears open for anything useful. But after a few hours out into the night, you almost headed home in defeat until you caught wind of something.

You carefully walked down the steps of the fire escape, looking down at what was the backdoor of a bodega, open, and two people having a tense conversation. You say the shop owner, a guy your age, talking to someone who you deemed shady. 

“Where’s the rest?” The shady man asked after rummaging through a duffle back that he handed. 

“T-That’s all of it.” The shop keeper said.

“That can’t be all of it. You’re low this month.”

“W-Well profits have been down, so–”

“That’s no excuse.” The shady man grabs him by the collar (which was the last straw in your eyes). “My boss ain’t going to like that.”

“I-I don’t know what you want me to do! I don’t have any–”

You finally dropped to the ground, startling them. The shady man tries to hide his fear by putting up a tough look. “Who the fuck are you?” He sneered, right before you blasted him into the door.

“Get inside.” You told the shopkeeper, which he wastes no time to do. You walked closer and kneeled before the man who was groaning in pain. “So you like to steal money from the innocent. Why?”

He peaked his eyes open, gritting through his teeth. “Who–” Then he sighs. “Oh, you’re a masked… woman? I’m letting a woman beat me?”

“You sure are, buddy.” You snagged his hand just as he started reaching for his gun, and used your strength to apply pressure. “I’ll leave you be if you just answer my question.” You squeezed more getting a peep out of him. “Why are you taking his money?”

“Ugh, c-cause my Boss owns this block, he gets half of the businesses to pay for their protection.”

“So they pay you so you can protect them?”

“Yes!”

“Do you?”

“I don’t know, I’m just the messenger– Ah!!”

You twisted in the opposite direction, making him wiggle under your grasp. “Who’s your Boss? The Kingpin?”

“The Kingpin? Fuck no! I-I mean, we partner with him, but we don’t directly talk to him unless it’s something serious– Ow!”

Interesting. So they’re independent? Or, they believe they’re independent? You have put that information on the backburner for now.

“So who’s your Boss?” You asked, as he shakes his head.

“I ain’t telling you that!”

“Alright then, who’s the Kingpin?”

“He’s–” Then he froze which got you interested.

“Oh, so you know stuff about him? Well that’s perfect.” You use your other hand to pin him to the door. “Tell me everything.”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

With just a few pieces of information, it was enough to get you going. Enough to start doing what you thought was necessary. Over the next few weeks, your little night job caught the eyes of the public. What started off with just one newspaper flooded into more. Soon you saw the silhouette picture of you everywhere you go (Might seem a little narcissistic, but you kind of felt a rush from it). But… not everyone felt great about your appearance. What started off with a phone call from one of his men, pleading him to turn on the tv, soon fueled his rage. 

The Kingpin, The God of the Underworld, The Western Sun of The Hand, listened intensely to everything the news reporter is saying.

[More Vigilantes? Looks like Queens isn’t the only one having a masked hero, looks like one decided to spawn in our neck of the woods. Nicknamed ‘The Masked Man’ has been helping out our rougher parts, and bringing rightful criminals to justice. This week alone, ten wanted men from a local gang have been placed on the steps of a few police stations. Although authorities are grateful that they’ve been brought in, just like what happened with Queens’ Ghost-Spider, they’re still hesitant against this new helper. But of course, the public have a different opinion, and are praising this new hero with gratitude. Up next, we have–]

The Kingpin clenches his fists with bitterness, and grits through his teeth with, “Those fucking idiots.”

Why didn’t any of them tell him that this was happening frequently? Or that this was happening at all? Why did he have to find out through a goddamn news station? 

He could tell his men on the other side of the phone was doing his best not to tremble as he spoke,

[‘Do you want us to see if we can draw him out, Sir?]

“Not yet. I have somewhere to be, and I want to meet this person myself. So, wait for my orders.”

[‘Yes, Sir. Enjoy your night.’]

He hung up the phone, tossing it onto his desk as he let out a heavy sigh. One that was loud enough to make his friend crack a joke as he waltzed in.

“Whoa. What did the desk do to you?” Foggy jokes, getting a snort as a reply.

“Oh, I could make a list.” Matt quips back with a smile.

“Well, if you’re caught up with the news, our last client just left. Which means, we can finally go get drinks!” Foggy starts spinning on his heels for the exit. “Come on! She’s supposed to meet us there! You can’t keep a lady waiting.”

“Of course.” Matt calls out, turning the tv off. The next words could be chilling to anyone that wasn’t his friend. And that was…

.

.

.

“What kind of gentleman would I be?”

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

The three of you clink your glasses and yell, “Cheers!”

“Y/N, I’m glad you could finally make it to our weekly outing.” Foggy replies, chirpy as usual (You could see now how he attached himself to Matt).

“Thank you for the invitation, again. I’m sorry I’m…” You chuckled. “Week’s late. Work’s been pinning me down like crazy.”

“Have you had any cases?” Matt asked, curiously.

“Uh… not really. It’s more like stopping a few robbers, and just going over cold cases. But then we got short staff last week, and somehow I got stuck being a traffic cop. I haven’t been one of those since the academy.”

“Do you miss San Francisco?” Foggy asked, as you shrugged.

“Eh, sometimes. I mean, I liked the people I work with; I miss my old partner Max the most. But my new one, Frank, he’s pretty good, a little lazy sometimes, but still good.”

“So what made you want to be a detective?”

“Is this twenty questions now?” Matt asked, tongue and cheek.

“What?” Foggy said, looking between the two. “I’m just curious. You can’t tell me you’re not.”

“Well, uh—”

“Yeah, he’s curious. Please tell us, Y/N.”

You laugh at their shenanigans, reminding you of your youth. “Uh, let’s see.” You start racking your brain on the reason why. “Honestly… it kind of just happened. I saw it on one of those career guides in my last year of high school and I just went with it. Part of me just thought it sounded cool, and the other part of me just likes the idea of helping someone.”

“Huh.” Foggy takes her answer in dearly. “That’s interesting.”

Another laugh. “I guess.”

“One more question.”

“Shoot.”

“Being in the law enforcement, you know, as someone who has to… uphold the law. How do you feel about these vigilantes in New York? Because–” He points to himself. “I think they’re doing the right thing, despite… ‘breaking’ the law so to speak. Now, Matt on the other hand–” He points to the blind man. “Slightly disagrees with me.”

“Oh, really?” You asked, intrigued. 

“I…” Matt begins, shifting in his seat. “Just want to make sure the right guy pays.”

“Huh.” You take that in, storing it away. “Well, it doesn’t really bother me. As long as they’re helping and not hurting the right people, I can side with them.”

“See?” Foggy said, looking in his friend’s direction and slapped him on the shoulder.  “I’m not crazy. And this is coming from a detective of all people.” He sighs blissfully. “Although, my only criticism is, the media needs a better name for this person. Masked Man ain’t cutting it.”

“And what would you call this person? Ghost-Spider 2.0?” Matt asked, interested now (And so were you).

“No, no. This person isn’t a copycat. They need something cool, something, maybe sinister? I mean, have you read one of the reports that say that the person had glowing red eyes? Or that another report said that they swear they fly? So it has to be kind of the nose here. Like… Red Angel, no! Red Devil! Or… Devil Man! Or… uh…”

“Like… Daredevil.” You said, the word clicking in your head. That seemed to get him really excited as he looked like a child in a toy store.

“That’s it! Daredevil! That’s perfect.” He gasps. “Maybe I should have that idea sent somewhere.”

“Daredevil.” You tested, almost getting butterflies from in. “I like it.”

“Oh, I know. It’s perfect.”

You hummed happily. “Alright, enough about a complete stranger. How about the two of you? How did you guys decide to become lawyers?”

Matt hums, thinking. “I guess… mine was kind of just heritage.” He admits, implying his mother’s legacy.

“Well, my mom wanted me to be a butcher, but I told her ‘no’.” Foggy replies, making you tilt your head, confused.

“A butcher?” You asked, as Matt groans.

“Oh, you just opened a can of worms, Y/N.” He says, confusing you more.

“Why?”

Then Foggy claps his hands together, startling you a bit. “Oh, my deary, this is a tale I must tell everyone. But first, I’m hungry. I’m going to buy nachos for the table. Be right back.”

And then he left, and it wasn’t even a second later when the suspense was broken. “You know, if he’s too much, I can make an excuse for you to leave.” Matt half heartedly jokes.

“No, no, I like Foggy.” You smile his way. “I’m glad you both have each other. He seems good for you.”

“You sound almost jealous.”

Yeah, well… maybe?

“Well, let’s be real, Matt, I’m not exactly the same kid I was when I left.” You say, honestly.

“Oh come on, you can’t have changed that much.”

“You have no idea.”

He hums again, leaning closer. “Well, I guess that could imply me as well.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

You scoot closer too. “Well… we can just try starting over?”

“Oh, yeah?” He tilts his head. “What about picking up where we left off? Slowly figuring out the missing pieces, Peaches?”

“Oh,yeah? Mr… Bratty-Matty?”

“Oh… Bratty-Matty? You really were a sly kid–” His fingers brush over your. “Weren’t you?”

You chuckle, your heart fluttering. “Maybe…”

“Maybe?” He repeats, then his blank gaze looks away from you. “I can hear Foggy coming back.”

You look up to confirm it. “Yeah, he is.” Which you were kind of sad about.

Seemingly reading your mind, he said, “Hey? If you’re free in the next few days, do you want to catch up? Just you and me?”

You smile, cheeks feeling red. “Yeah. I’d love that.”

“Perfect.”

He removes his hand just as Foggy came back, only for you to grab it under the table. You felt him squeeze back, and start listening to the blond man’s tale about how he became a lawyer.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

“Sure you don’t want us to walk you home?” Foggy asked, as they all stood outside on the curb, a cab pulling in front of them.

“I’m like one block this way. I’ll be okay.” You said, smiling. “But thanks anyway.”

“Nice seeing, Y/N.” Matt said, as he started folding up his walking stick.

“You too.” You watch them start getting in before blurting out, “Hey, Matt?” You get his attention. “Call me.” That makes him smile, and Foggy cheers on.

“Ooooh.” 

“Alright, get in the cab, Nelson.” Matt said, getting in himself.

“Bye, Y/N.”

You wave them goodbye before walking away. Hands in your pocket, and a new pep in your step, you strolled the sidewalk without a care in the world.

I can’t wait to meet him again. You felt like a teenager again with your little highschool crushes. 

I wonder what Matt looked like as a teenager? It still saddens you that you lost touch with him all those years back. You always wonder happened to him and why he stopped writing.

Was it because of the accident? Or was it something else? You shake your head.

I’ll just have to ask him next time. Hmm? You stopped your movements in front of a store that you haven’t yet explored, and read the sign before getting an idea.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

You plopped the stuff you grabbed onto the counter, everything between some new fabric scraps to some spray paint. You look around nonchalantly as the cashier, who looks like he’s done with this place, starts ringing everything up. You occasionally tuned in on the beeping and the sound of the plastic bag opening before he decided to strike up a conversation.

“You going to comic con or something?”

“Hmm?”

“You going to comic con?” He repeats, and you shake your head.

“No.” You raise an eyebrow. “What makes you say that?”

“The materials you’re buying suggest that you’re making something. A costume?”

You smile, prideful. “Something like that.”

And you could already picture that you weren’t going to be sleeping tonight.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

The trembling, beat up goon, kneeled with his head on the floor in front of the man dressed in a blood red suit, a cane shielding the blade everyone saw him use.

“Speak.” Matt hissed, everyone holding their breaths when he spoke.

“I-I swear, this person literally looked like the devil! I-It had horns and c-could fly!” The man shook with every word, biting his lip as he awaited an answer.

“A devil?”

“Y-Yes! A devil! I-It took out the whole truck! Beat up all our guys! Pushed the weapons into the Hudson!”

Matt furrows his brows. “Pushed them into the Hudson? How? Those crates are almost a ton. How is that possible?”

“It’s got some kind of superpower! The whole truck was engulfed in red before being pushed in with a wave of its hand! I s-swear! I’m telling you the truth, my King!”

With a wave of the hand? Matt clenched his can, and anyone could see how angry he was now.

“Sir? What do you want us to do?” Someone behind him asked, and it was no brainer what he wants to do; He’s thought about time and time again.

“Do we still have some of those hallucination vials on hand?” Matt asked, hearing him nod.

“Yes, Sir. We should have a case of them lying around.”

“Good. Get ready.”

“Sir?”

.

.

.

“Because I’ve just declared war on this Devil.”

*Decided to draw what the reader's costume looks like so you can get an Idea.* Ignore the resolution. Idk why it came it out that way. lol.

-Taglist Is Open-

@utterlynuts @etanordoesbullsh1t @mattmurdocksstarlight @l3xiluve @lunaticgurly @margoo0 @swift-enchanted @athenniene

@up-in-space-reading @itwasthereaminuteago @lazyxsquirrel @yeonalie @scoliobean @kayden666

@nkmblackhyuuga

[a-queer-seminarian]

An excerpt from Eli Clare (1999) exploring the language used against and used by disabled & queer folk. TW for the r word.

_

"Handicapped, disabled, cripple, gimp, retard, differently abled. I understand my relationship to each of these words.

I scoff at handicapped, a word I grew up believing my parents had invented specifically to describe me, my parents who were deeply ashamed of my cerebral palsy and desperately wanted to find a cure.

I use the word disabled as an adjective to name what this ableist world does to us crips and gimps.

Cripple makes me flinch; it too often accompanied the sticks and stones on my grade school playground, but I love crip humor, the audacity of turning cripple into a word of pride.

Gimp sings a friendly song, full of irony and understanding. Retard on the other hand draws blood every time, a sharp, sharp knife.

In the world as it should be, maybe disabled people would be differently abled: a world where Braille and audio-recorded editions of books and magazines were a matter of course, and hearing people signed ASL; a world where schools were fully integrated, health care, free and unrationed; a world where universal access meant exactly that; a world where disabled people were not locked up at home or in nursing homes, relegated to sheltered employment and paid sweatshop wages. But, in the world as it is, differently abled, physically challenged tell a wishful lie.

...

Queer, like cripple, is an ironic and serious word I use to de- scribe myself and others in my communities. Queer speaks volumes about who I am, my life as a dyke, my relationship to the dominant culture. Because of when I came out-more than a decade after the Stonewall Rebellion-and where-into a highly politicized urban dyke community-queer has always been easy for me. I adore its defiant external edge, its comfortable internal truth. Queer belongs to me. So does cripple for many of the same reasons.

Queer and cripple are cousins: words to shock, words to infuse with pride and self-love, words to resist internalized hatred, words to help forge a politics. They have been gladly chosen — queer by many gay, lesbian, bi, and trans peoples, cripple, or crip, by many disabled people. ..."

- Eli Clare in Exile and Pride: Disability, Queerness, and Liberation (1999)

[mischief-lies-and-stories]

Loki Ships

All right, I think it’s time to jump into the inevitable, since ships can make or break whether or not some people care what I have to say, and I get it. I considered including them in my pinned post, but that was already way too long. 

I ship Loki with a lot of people. The first time I heard the term fandom bicycle, a friend was using it to refer to Loki, and I took it to heart (and probably also a challenge). As I said in my pinned post, though, I mostly ship Loki with guys, since his canon women love interests are often kind of shitty to him. This doesn’t deter me from the potential of shipping him with women (I acknowledge and celebrate that he’s bi/pan, after all) but the women that he’s around tend to be assholes to him, so the men kind of have to pick up the slack. (Is the assholery deserved? Yeah, sometimes. But I also like the idea of people being soft with him. And I think he deserves that sometimes, too.)

So I’m going to explain a little bit about the ship in general, why I ship it personally, and the canon likelihood of it, whether or not it’s likely to become canon in comics or the MCU or both or neither. Also spoilers for Where Mischief Lies, The Defenders (1983), The Defenders (2021), and Defenders: Beyond.

 Thorki: Might as well start with my most divisive ship, though if you read my Loki playlist post, you’ll already know I ship this. I believe this is the first person I came to ship with Loki. This is obviously Thor and Loki, and I get it. I do. I am not here to defend my questionable taste at all. I am not here to make the flimsy arguments people sometimes make for this ship, like that he’s adopted so “they aren’t really siblings, so it’s not really incest.” I think that’s damn rude to people who are adopted and have adoptive siblings. Frankly, these are fictional characters who are fictionally siblings and I know the difference between fiction and reality. Am I supportive of IRL incest? Not particularly, no. But Loki and Thor are not real (and thank God for that; Loki would annoy the hell out of me). So I’m not here to defend it. I just think that they have a lot of chemistry, and a lot of romantic and sexual tension. Especially in Thor: Ragnarok. Like towards the end, they have this whole conversation about how Loki belongs on Sakaar, how he can flourish there and rule over Sakaar and it would be the ideal place for him. And both of them (at least verbally) agree that this is the case. And then Thor leaves him basically seizing from electric shock on the floor of a hangar. And then the next time we see Loki, he has come back to Asgard anyway, to help Thor save the people. And if that’s not love (familial, romantic, whatever), I don’t know what is. 

          Canon Likelihood…….Unlikely.

          Not even possible, it’s never going to happen. In the comics, not a chance. In the MCU, not a chance. Marvel’s never going to make incest happen, especially not with Disney as their parent company. And frankly, I don’t want them to. I don’t trust them to do this right or be sensitive about it. They will never not be able to spin it as some shocking joke no matter how serious they pretend to be about it, if they ever were to do it. And with the level of backlash that would happen because of it, it wouldn’t be worth it. So I’m just content to read and write fanfic and look at fanart. I don’t need it to be canon and it’s never going to be canon and that’s okay. Sometimes that’s okay.

Theoki: Theo Bell (from Loki: Where Mischief Lies) and Loki. Theo Bell (as I’ve said previously) is gay, very snarky and is a good match personality-wise for Loki in the novel, he walks with a cane as a result of becoming disabled due to a homophobic attack, and he works essentially for Odin on Midgard (but Odin really only calls on him and his coworkers when he really needs something, like when he needs something for his younger son to do when he exiles him to Earth). This is speed-run Enemies-to-Lovers. They don’t like each other at first, mostly because Loki does not want to be there. And Theo’s basically like ‘You don’t want to be here, got it. You’re here, though, so let’s deal with this.’ And then pretty quickly Loki’s like, ‘Oh shit. He’s hot…Oh shit. He’s smart… Oh shit. Do I like him?….Oh shit. His freckles are like stars.’ (He thinks the last sentence almost exactly, it’s wild.) So I think it’s very cute and I don’t think they got enough time together. 

          Canon likelihood…….Depends on your definition of canon.

          Did they kiss? Spoiler alert: Yes. Are they together? Well, uh, about that… So this book is supposed to serve as a prequel to the events in the MCU. Do you see Theo anywhere in the MCU? There’s your answer. (Which sounds like I’m implying something different, so you should still read this book, because you don’t know what’s going to happen.) So at this point, at this time, is it likely that this relationship is going to come back and be 100% canon? No. Not likely. But in my opinion, how I define canon, has this ship been canonized? I generally define canon as requited affection that’s acted upon, so Yes, this was a canon ship to me. (Still hoping my unlikely Loki theories are true, though, so this ship can come back and be present tense canon.) I wish this could be an established relationship right now, but given the circumstances of the events of the story and the purpose the story is supposed to serve in the MCU, it’s not possible.

Lokius: Loki and Mobius, from the tv series. I was resistant to this for a little while. Mostly I was finding Owen Wilson in the MCU in general and interacting with Loki hard to believe. It was weird to me and I could not unsee Owen Wilson for a chunk of the show, and that’s partially what was preventing me from shipping it. But the tie fixing scene, while it wasn’t what got me to ship it, it did make me go Oh, fuck. This is going to end with me shipping this. And then I continued to resist it for a few episodes, and then it hit me, and now I’ve been bitten by the Lokius bug. I don’t remember precisely what was the turning point for me, but it was late. I think it was probably “You could be whoever, whatever you want to be. Even someone good.” I think they’re perfect together. I think it’s an interesting dynamic, because Mobius knows him so well. But at the beginning, he knows Loki from this clinical standpoint. He knows how Loki’s story is supposed to go and his personality, from studying versions of him, but he doesn’t know him. And then spending the show getting to know Loki himself. I think they neglected somewhat to show this on a nuanced level in the show itself, but the working relationship and budding friendship between Loki and Mobius is what ultimately gets Mobius to realize that the TVA is kind of crap and needs to be shut down because the TVA doesn’t know everything. Because he gets to know Loki as a person, that he’s not just a story or the predetermined events that have been laid out in the timeline by some higher power, just because that’s how Kang has decided that’s how he wants Loki’s life to go (or something to that effect). I think there’s something inherently interesting about taking how you understand someone from a general, macro level and thinking you know everything about that person, and then getting to know someone on a more personal and intimate basis. At the risk of perpetuating a sort of racist rewrite of historical events, it’s kind of reminiscent of Disney’s Pocahontas in a way. Where you have these assumptions about a person or group of people based on what you’ve been told by your superiors, but by getting to know a particular individual in that group, you change your preconceived notions about that person. And then taking it a step further into a romantic level. 

          Canon likelihood…….Likely

          I think they fucked up in season one. And I think they know they fucked up. I’m sorry if people ship the other thing (I’m trying not to type the ship name so it doesn’t come up in searches and people think I tagged my hate.), this is not the place for you. I think they fucked up where they were like “Look, we’re so progressive! Here’s two bisexual characters.” And then they were like “No homo. Here’s some selfcest instead.” And obviously Loki can have a girlfriend and I’d be fine with that, but making that woman love interest a variant, essentially just an alternate version of him? That feels like they only let Loki say “A bit of both,” so they could pat themselves on the back. They didn’t want to act on that. But the only woman who makes any sense to pair him with, with whom he has the most interaction with in the series…is himself. But they went with that anyway. 

So the level of likelihood is either one, they realized they fucked up and now they’re going to fix it. Or two, (and I don’t think they have enough foresight for this) they knew they fucked up before they even aired it, and are like “This is the journey that Loki is on. He will eventually break away from himself, and fall in love with somebody who is not himself.” Or three, not understand what bisexuality is and be like “We need equal! He kissed a girl and now he’s gotta kiss a guy!” [Which implies there are only two genders, but they don’t even know what genderfluidity is, so I’m not confident they have any understanding of the diversity of gender identity either.] So I think it’s likely (especially the last option, unfortunately, given their track record with representation). I’m not sure they’re going to do it well, but I think it’s possible. I think they’ve set it up well for this to be canon. I think there’s some romcom story beats that are already present in season one, despite their decision to go with a different ship. It’s just a matter of how much they’re willing to break out of this mold of heteronormativity.

Frostiron: Tony Stark and Loki. I like this because I am partial to Enemies to Lovers tropes. I think the fandom has done a really good job of taking like two minutes of onscreen interaction and making an entire ship out of it. I think they have a lot of things in common, which can help them bond. They both have daddy issues, they’re both kind of spoiled, and a little self-centered, which can cause some conflict that will eventually be resolved. And they both have quite a bit of trauma that’s ultimately caused by the same big purple asshole, so that can also bring them closer together. I have a lot of feelings about them, which has caused me to write a six-part series about them and their relationship and how they can relate to each other. (I’ve attempted a few times to write a seventh part, so we’ll see if that ever sees the light of day, but they have certainly not relinquished their hold on me.)

          Canon Likelihood…….Not likely.

          Absolutely not likely, not a chance. Comics, no. MCU, no. In the MCU they had like a two-minute interaction and that was it. It was cute, they were snarking at each other, Tony offered him a drink, but that was about it. In the comics, they have a little bit more interactions but it’s still very limited. The most I know about their interactions in the comics that are not antagonistic comes from (I believe) The God Who Fell to Earth, and there’s still not a whole lot. There is some explicit dialogue of Tony respecting Loki’s pronouns, so that’s chill. Tony knows that Loki’s genderfluid, so I like that. But again, that’s about it. Ultimately, the places were Tony and Loki have the most interaction are in Avengers Academy, the mobile game, and I don’t believe there are romance options for anybody in that game (I didn’t play that game for very long, so I don’t remember much; there was too much multitasking and it was stressing me out). And in the animated tv show Avengers Assemble, and even there it was only like an episode or two. (And in later seasons, Tony isn’t even in much of the show, let alone Loki.) So I don’t think it’s likely we’ll ever see a canon frostiron, unless we get like an episode (or issue) of What If that’s like, “What If…Tony Stark was gay” or something, but that’s both unlikely and I can think of several characters more likely to be Tony’s What If boyfriend before Loki. 

Cloudki: This is a ship name I made up on the spot, because no one else knows who this character is. (And that hurts me, deeply.) Cloud has a fraught history in the comics, and ultimately, it’s not much of a history at all, they’re in maybe three stories since their debut in 1983. Cloud is basically the personification of a cloud nebula (hence why they’re called Cloud), and they’re genderfluid! Primarily because, when they made their debut in the eighties, they crash landed to earth and then their essence combined with the dying souls of this straight couple whose car they crashed into. And the essence of the star lost their memory and decided to take on the couple’s likeness and sort of absorb their souls so they could survive on earth. And the comic, while weirdly progressive for the time, was still published in the eighties. So you have to get past the Comics Code Authority or whatever it’s called (which is basically censoring anything it considers remotely queer), and also it’s the eighties and the author was cis and (I’m pretty sure) straight. And I’ve read articles that said he had a friend who was a transwoman, so he was able to get some help maybe (if he asked her). But at the same time, if she’s a transwoman she’s not genderfluid, so it’s not exactly the same thing. So while it’s done surprisingly more sensitively than expected, there is still a lot of transphobia directed at this sweet summer child. And they don’t know any better so they kind of adjust to this shit, so it’s rough. 

         So that’s Cloud’s debut. It sucks, and we don’t talk about it. But Cloud comes back a few decades later in The Defenders (this is a new run; they also debuted in The Defenders). When last we left them, Cloud had figured out they were a nebula, and people were being kinda shitty to them on earth, so they were like Fuck this, I’m supposed to be a star, good-bye. And so for the last few decades they’ve been in space as their true self. So they get summoned by Dr. Strange to help the Defenders solve a mystery through the cosmos. (Cosmos as in I don’t get this part. So in the comics, the cosmos are like eras of existence in the universe. I think most events take place in like the twelfth or thirteenth cosmos. The Defenders travel backwards through the cosmos through this story.) In the middle of one of the battles, they’re like “Hey, by the way, I would like to go by they/them pronouns.” (Because up until this point they’ve been going by she/her pronouns.) And everyone else is like “Yeah, sure.” And then no one messes up for the rest of the book. Because Al Ewing is the best. And then like halfway through the book, they get to one of the cosmos where the emphasis is like beauty and imagination and color or something. And Cloud is like “I’m going to stay here. This is a good place for me.” And they transform their body into one that they choose, one that is no longer resembling the guy or the girl whose souls they absorbed. And Cloud’s living their best life in this cosmos. And that’s the last we see of Cloud in this book. (And I almost stopped reading the book at this point, because I read Defenders: Beyond first because Loki’s in it, met Cloud, and then read The Defenders, which comes first, just for Cloud because Loki isn’t in this one.) 

        Then in Defenders: Beyond, Dr. Strange has to call the Defenders together again. But he only calls a few of the original Defenders and the rest are new people. And one of the people he calls is Loki. And this is right where Loki: Agent of Asgard ended. (And thank God for that, because whoever took over for Loki between AoA and DB fucked him up. I don’t know who that was or what that run was or if it was just Thor, because I never read it, but I’m upset by that author and the new Loki that trashed all of his character development. Because Al Ewing did some great things. Okay moving on.) Frankly, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this book. We’re still traveling through the cosmos, but I’m very confused. I only read this for Loki and then I met Cloud and read Defenders. So they’re going through the cosmos and they get rescued (Loki especially) by the members of the imagination cosmos, and one of the members of the imagination cosmos is still Cloud. This is similar to MCU Frostiron, because Cloud and Loki have a very important conversation towards the end, but that’s about the extent of their interaction.

        My reason for shipping these two (since this post is long as fuck, as usual), because I know nothing about Cloud and Cloud is known by nobody but I would die for Cloud I love them so much, is that they’re both genderfluid. And I think gf4gf is a great pairing honestly (I’m not super interested in a relationship myself anymore, but I think the only partner I’d want at this point would also be genderfluid, so I’m projecting a tad). And I think they would be great for each other and I love it. I think Cloud could really help the present Loki come back to himself and deal with these memories that AoA Loki wiped from him so that he could be this stupid Loki that doesn’t have any of the character development, that at the eleventh hour of this book (I think) regained all his memories and now has to deal with it all and defend the cosmos. And also, where the hell is Verity? Ya know? Like, does he remember Verity? How much did he forget? So I think Cloud would be a good help to rehabilitate him and then they fall in love.

        Canon likelihood…….Not completely unlikely, things have to happen.

        I’m not gonna straight up say unlikely, because things happen in comics all the time. And comics go back and fold in on themselves and change things all the time. So I’m gonna say probably not likely, but maybe. Here are the things that are gonna have to happen in order for this to take place: One, Cloud needs to come back. I think the last time they showed up was in Defenders: Beyond, and that came out last year. Preferably, Al Ewing needs to write Cloud, because Al Ewing is the best and I love him. Two, Loki from Agent of Asgard needs to come back. Loki as it is needs to regain his memories and become the perfect version of himself again. Preferably written by Al Ewing, because Al Ewing is the best and I love him. Three, Cloud and Loki need to be in the same comic at some point. They’re two completely different characters, drawn together by the ties of fate and tarot cards that, for some reason, Dr. Strange has. And also the cosmos (because he didn’t draw Cloud’s tarot in Defenders: Beyond). Therefore, it’s difficult to get them back together, because Cloud isn’t even in this cosmos right now, let alone on the planet, and Loki doesn’t even remember meeting them. Four, Cloud has to have some romantic capabilities. I don’t know what their romantic capabilities are. In their original run, they tried to fall in love with Moondragon, and then also with some other guy (I don’t remember his name). That dude was transphobic as fuck. Moondragon, the second she found out Cloud was genderfluid, became transphobic as fuck, because it was the eighties, and neither of these characters were gay yet. So did that turn Cloud off to romance forever? That was also before Cloud realized they were a cloud nebula; did Cloud realizing that they are technically supposed to be an insentient celestial being turn Cloud off to romance forever? I don’t know. Five, even if Cloud has some capacity of romantic inclination, Cloud and Loki have to be attracted to each other. They have the tiniest of interactions ever, so who’s to say? Certainly not me, except in my fanfictions, which I haven’t written yet, because I don’t know enough about Cloud. So possibly, but unlikely. And that makes me sad. 

This is the only ship, besides Lokius, where if it doesn’t become canon, I’m going to be a Victorian heroine wasting away on my fainting couch, because I’m very disappointed. 

[vanilla-cigarillos]

Using My Practice To Heal Physical Trauma

Being a disabled person with a chronic illness that brings constant pain to my life, physical trauma is something I am unfortunately very familiar with. This intense, at times excruciating pain is something I have had to carry with me my entire life. However, I have used my craft as a way to mend the physical and mental trauma of living such an existence, and I want to share it in hopes that it can bring light to the end of someone else’s dark tunnel.

TW: Medical abuse/trauma

From my first memory onwards, I have existed in constant pain. My nerves betray me with each shock to my system, carrying waves of agony through my body in a way that is impossible to describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it. As a child this pain devastated me, leaving me crumpled on the floor crying and screaming for it all to stop. The agonized shrieks of a child in unbearable pain were ignored by every medical professional that I saw, being told countless times that I was simply looking for attention and I should be ignored. Later on in life when the pain would render me unconscious, deplete my energy well past the point of exhaustion, and create terrible muscle seizes that made my body contort into unnatural positions, I was poked and prodded. 

Rather than being treated with the delicate care of a minor experiencing some of the most intense physical pain possible, I was relegated to nothing more than a patient number and my consent was ignored. Blood was drawn, shots were given, drugs administered. My protests of what they were doing to my body were shunned as the petulant tantrums of a child. Doctors had no idea what was wrong with me, and they were determined to solve the case of the mysteriously ill child that no one could fix. Except no one wanted to fix me.

At that point I was just an experiment. My life became a series of tests and treatments that didn’t aim to heal, but to result in scientific outcomes that fueled the disgusting hubris of doctors who just wanted to slap their names onto my case. My existence was valued purely for the hope that one day my medical trials would be hailed as the success of a medial genius, someone who would be known for his triumphs in medicine.

But I never got better, and in many cases their “theoretical care” only made things worse. As my health proceeded to decline, I was then discarded like a piece of trash. I was told that I was a waste of resources, being as sick as they had made me. The bed I occupied belonged to someone whose life would offer the world purpose and meaning. My constant agony meant I was worth less because I would do less. I offered the world less and it rejected me.

I began to believe what the doctors were saying. In my very young mind, it was imprinted in me that my worth was inherently connected to my physical capabilities. I became obsessed with strength. I wanted, needed to be strong so I could be worth something to the people in my life. The constant weakness I experienced due to my illness was something I refused to embrace as an aspect of my life, and instead I pushed my body past its limits to the point where I was once again in the hospital, but this time on death’s door. 

I mourned the life I never had. I cried about my physical inadequacies and swore against whatever god their was that I never deserved a life of torture I’d never be able to escape. It was my body, after all. Once I escaped the doctors and their non-consensual procedures, I was still left with the simple fact that I would never be free of this constant pain because it was coming from within. I was defunct, broken in a way that no one could fix. I hated my body and everything it made me feel. I rejected myself, just as the world and the doctors had told me to. Once I stopped being strong enough to serve others I truly believed I was worth nothing and therefore should be nothing.

Through my craft I was able to escape. I don’t mean that believing in witchcraft cured me of the trauma and depression of +20 years of physical and mental abuse. Instead, I mean the act of carrying out my practice gave me a gentle way to reconnect with my body I had never been privy to before.

Meditation is the key to embracing who I am. I force myself to be alone with my body and its pain, to ground myself in my physical form rather than reject it. I mourn with myself for the torture that my body and mind have experienced, and I begin to see my body not as an enemy deserving of scorn but the only thing in my life that understands. My body carries with it the weight of all we have experiences. The subtle marks of needles forced into my arms remain, the faded white marks of hospital bindings that broke into my skin decorate my arms. I will always carry my past with me, however that does not mean that my body is the enemy. 

It was only ever trying to protect me. The panic and adrenaline that kicked in, giving me the strength and ability to fight like hell when forced into treatments I rejected, was my body giving me the will to keep moving forward. It rejected the notion of giving up, of succumbing to the pain. My body has always been my friend; we have suffered together. 

During meditation I feel it. I allow myself to gently search through myself with my mind, focusing on places where it hurts the most. I soothe myself in ways that no one else will ever be able to do, holding myself like the most fragile of children. 

Through my faith in a goddess figure I embrace the beauty of myself. I find beauty in the pock-marks of needle injections, liking them to constellations that are part of my story that will one day be written out in the sky once I pass. Dips and divots in my skin where I will never be able to grow back pieces of me that have been lost remind me of the great flowing rivers that traverse my home country. My hair, once cut short out of the doctor’s irritation, now grows long and healthy and strong. My legs, my long and beautiful legs that have been the most intense carriers of pain, are still persistent and determined to walk me through the life I continue choosing to live. 

I have the strength to carry on forward, and I will.

[practically-an-x-man]

For the trope grading game: Bad Ending, Unrequited Love, Fantasy AU, Sickfic

Ooooh good ones! Thank you!

Send Me a Fanfic Trope and I'll Rate It

Bad Ending - C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

Honestly, this one doesn't even feel like a trope to me. It's just how to end a story. It really just depends on whether it fits the wider context of the story or not - bad endings where it makes narrative sense can be cathartic, but slaughtering the characters just for shock value is one of my biggest pet peeves.

____

Unrequited Love - C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

Same reasoning here. It all depends on how it's placed in the story, and whether it makes sense for the characters or not. And unrequited love isn't always a bad thing! I do enjoy the whole "well I don't love you romantically but that doesn't mean I don't love you" trope, and I think using that one properly can make characters' relationships even stronger and more interesting. But again, if it's just for shock value? Hard pass.

____

Fantasy AU: B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

Honestly, major props to the people who can set up these AUs. There's so much to think about and set up, especially when you have to work around characters with technology, disabilities managed by modern medicine, or anything that's more "rooted" to the modern world. But I think it's cool! I'm reading Marvel 1602 (Marvel characters in colonial America/England, powers included) and I'm really enjoying it!

____

Sickfics - A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

Dude I love sickfics. I absolutely love characters taking care of each other like that, whether it's a genuine illness, flare-up of a chronic condition, injuries out in the battlefield... I adore it. Bonus points if one or both of the characters is usually a little emotionally-stunted and caring for others doesn't come naturally (but they're trying their best for their loved one)

[steveisagay]

How to fix the damage

Disabled Munver

No warnings other than internalized homophobia (I'm pretty sure) Taglist: @shieldofiron @ebbiemunson

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 6.5 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

When Jason finally got to highschool he immediately tried out for the basketball team, he wasn't the greatest, but he managed to make it. After a few practices struggling to keep up one of the sophomores finally asked to help him practice. After practice they walked to one of the parks together and played a few rounds of one on one, the sophomore giving tips every now and then. These one on one practices continued until the end of the school year, where Jason finally said thank you.

Five years later and he was stuck in the hospital reading the same three books over and over. Meanwhile that same 'sophomore' was now visiting the hospital every other day with his boyfriend and a gaggle of kids. Yup, Steve The Hair Harrington was still taking care of kids younger than him. That part didn't even surprise him, but the part that did was that... Well... He was the king of Hawkins High and he was gay?!

The shock had mostly worn off by now but it still threw Jason off a bit when he walked in hand-in-hand with Billy Hargrove. It kinda made sense that Billy was gay, he always seemed to eager to play with Steve, then they would be up and on each other and it looked like some sort of wet dream. Plus his hair was so well taken care of, not in the way Steve's was, but in a way that made sure that every individual curl had it's own place.

The two visited on one of the rare days where Eddie had therapy and Jason didn't. Since he'd been making improvement he was allowed days off from therapy so he could focus on other things. Their proof for him doing better was that he was happy with other people and that he figured out how to get into his wheelchair by himself. They even took him off of two of his medications, including his sleeping meds. Eddie still had nightmares a lot, but they slowly became less and less frequent, but still more often than not one of the nurses would go to wake them up in the morning to find Jason in his wheelchair sound asleep next to Eddie.

Jason was left with the two boys and only one question plaguing his mind. "Hey, Steve? Billy?"

The two turned their heads, obviously they were waiting for Eddie, Jason could be a lot of things, but he wasn't stupid. "Yeah Jay, what's up?" Steve replied, he had the same smile as when he first invited him to practice in the park.

Suddenly his mouth felt dry, his words were stuck in the bottom of his throat. He reached for his water on the little table that was between his and Eddie's bed. "You two are the only, uh, the only... Well, gay couple I know." He felt frozen. Steve just seemed confused but Billy seemed like he was pissed.

"Yeah and?" Billy almost snapped, what the fuck did he have to say about it? Whatever it was didn't really matter to him, he'd heard worse.

Jason on the other hand had been panicking for probably days before today. His breath started to quicken, he stayed silent for a moment, trying to calm himself down.

Steve got up from where he was sitting, almost kneeling on the side of his bed. "Jason..." His tone sounded like one of a concerned mother, "Jason what's wrong?"

That pushed him over his limit, tears started to fall down his cheeks. Steve moved to hug him, to try to comfort him some way. He sobbed for what felt like hours (which was really only 20 minutes). When Steve asked what was wrong again he finally was able to muster up an answer, "I... I-I think I'm gay..." His sobs wracked his body once again.

"Jason- hey, hey look at me, look at me for one second." Jason turned his face to meet his, "Jason, there's nothing wrong with being gay-"

"Yes there is!" He was practically yelling at this point, "If I'm gay then that means that I never really loved Chrissy and I swear I did," If Steve wasn't right next to him he would've never been able to understand what he was saying. "I really really loved Chrissy but if I'm gay that means I didn't, but I promise I did. She meant the world to me but if I'm gay then I really didn't."

Steve kept his voice soft, "Just because you like guys doesn't mean that you didn't love Chrissy, remember me and Nancy? I loved Nance so much and just because I like guys doesn't mean that I didn't. Who knows, maybe you could be bi?"

"What's that?"

He let out a little chuckle, "Bisexuality is when you like guys and girls, just because you like one doesn't mean you can't like the other. Look at me, I'm bi, I have a smoking hot boyfriend and have slept with many girls. It doesn't mean that all of those girls were a phase, it just means that I needed to grow and accept that I like men."

So that was him, "I can be that?" He was in a sort of disbelief, Steve nodded.

"So," Billy finally spoke up, "what kind of guys are you into, Carver?"

Jason was caught off guard, there were certain things that he thought he would never admit to, but here he was. "uhh, well, I would have to probably say tall, loud, metalheads." Billy chuckled at that, which granted there might've been one or two dreams about him but that stopped after everything. Or maybe just after he got close to Eddie.

Steve spoke again, "Does that mean that you actually do like Eddie?"

"Yeah, I-I think so," He paused for a second, "Wait what do you mean 'actually do'?"

"Cause Max owes me 5 bucks," Billy answered.

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 3.5/5

Book Blurb: When an unexpected Player Two enters her life, a gamer must decide if their relationship is worth leveling up in this new romance from the author of The Love Con.

Samara Reynolds has built a large following as a gamer under an anonymous screen name, and uses her skills as a DEIA consultant to advocate for equal representation in video games. When she posted a video critiquing the popular game Legendsfall, she knew she’d get a reaction from her fans, but the video leads to hundreds of female gamers critiquing the game and its company, Artemis Games. The only thing more unexpected than starting an online movement is getting a job offer from the handsome CEO of Artemis.

Aron Galanis has been on a mission to get his company certified to create gaming content for people with disabilities. When he sees Artemis trending online for all the wrong reasons, he’s determined to right his wrongs and offers the originator a mea culpa, as well as a job offer to overhaul the character options in Legendsfall.

Working together turns Aron and Samara from adversaries into allies, allies into friends, and after that—something more. But once their relationship goes public, will Aron and Samara be able to weather the storm and fight for their happy ending, or is it game over?

Review:

When a gamer calls out a game for it's treatment of a female POV character she never expects for the CEO to hire her and to fall for him either. When Samara Reynolds, a gamer who advocates for equal representation in video games, reviews the new popular game Legendsfall, and speaks out about how a POC women character is killed off and critiques the company and demands for them to do better, the last thing she expects is for the very same CEO of the company to hire her and asks her to consult for his new project and help make his game diverse and open. Aron Galanis has one goal: it's to make his company certified to create gaming content for people with disabilities. Aron's passion is gaming and he's remained pretty hidden from the public due to his dislike and anxiety of the public. Aron is shocked when he discovers a gamer has found something so terrible in his game and he is determined to fix it. Aron doesn't expect the very same gamer who found this out to be a woman he is falling for, yet Sam has her own complicated past. Sam and Aron go from adversaries to allies as Aron hires her, yet the more time they spend together gaming and working together and getting to know one another, the more they are beginning to realize that they might be perfect for each other. This was a overall cute read with lots of diversity, I am not a gamer myself but can empathize with Sam and her want to have equal representation and diversity. Aron was a wonderful love interest, he was so caring and supportive. I guess I just felt a bit bland with the story overall but it was cute and fine in the end. If you enjoy gaming romances give this a go, maybe this will be the perfect book for you.

*Thanks Netgalley and Berkley Publishing Group, Berkley for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

[ariareads85]

I Have No Secrets by Penny Joelson

I absolutely loved this book. The main character has severe cerebral palsy and I have never read a book like this before. One of my family members has cerebral palsy and it was nice to see him represented in a book. The story is intriguing from the beginning. A man confesses to murder to the main character because she is unable to speak. She is stuck with this haunting secret and she is unable to tell anyone what he knows when her aide goes missing.

The main character's name is Jemma and she is a very compelling character. She does not dwell on her disability and she enjoys her life. Even though she is unable to speak, she forms relationships with her foster parents and siblings. Her aide is her closest friend and their interactions were very heartwarming. It was nice to see how Jemma did not want to get her hopes up about the possibility of communication, but when she is able to communicate she struggles to get used to it. All of her struggles and feelings seemed very real and they made a lot of sense.

Jemma's foster family is amazing. She has two younger "siblings." The youngest is a boy named Finn who is severely autistic. He is mute. Even though neither Jemma nor Finn talks, they understand each other and they have a very deep relationship. The middle child is a girl named Olivia. She is a loud troublemaker. Olivia does not have a connection with Jemma like Finn does, but they have a realistic sisterly relationship. Jemma's foster parents are very loving and they care deeply for their foster kids. Seeing how much they care about all of their children is extremely sweet and I enjoyed it.

The antagonist of the story is a man named Dan. He is dating Jemma's aide Sarah. Sarah and Jemma have a very close relationship, so Sarah tells Jemma about her relationship. Jemma does not like Dan and she can see that Dan is bad for Sarah. Dan confesses to a murder almost as soon as the story begins and we never have to wonder what kind of person he is. Seeing Jemma be able to tell people what she knows about Dan and save Sarah, in the end, feels really good because it gives Jemma the opportunity she wished for the entire time. She was able to save Sarah from Dan, who she knew was a bad man the entire time.

The ending of the book felt a little rushed. It seemed like the author wanted to tie everything up with a bow, and it was not a satisfying ending. There was an apology that felt out of place. Sarah leaves to live with her sister and it is good that she is able to do that. The last chapter seems like it wants to show that Jemma is doing good, but it goes over the top in doing so. It seems like the author wants to make her seem super happy so that the reader feels good about the book.

My favorite part of the book was Jemma's sister Jodi. When they first meet, Jodi is shocked by Jemma, but she gives it another chance and they grow very close. It is nice to see how much hope Jemma gets when she learns that she has a sister. Letters from Jodi keep Jemma from coming unraveled when Sarah is missing. I also liked how Jemma was not jealous of her sister's health. Jemma did not hate herself because of her disability and most disabled characters I have seen in books do.

The book was better than I had hoped. I am glad I read it because it had very sweet character relationships. The action part of the book was good as well, but it has some of the best character relationships I have read in a long time.

[ashevilleflooding]

Celo Community Resilience post-storm

Meet Tal Galton: an educator, master naturalist, and homesteader. Tal's small business, SnakeRoot EcoTours, is centered around a deep love for the natural world and for the Appalachian region. 

Written on his website: “Snakeroot Ecotours is founded on the premise articulated by Rachel Carson: The more clearly we can focus our attention on the wonders and realities of the universe about us, the less taste we shall have for destruction.”

Snakeroot is based in Celo, NC. He lives and works in one of the oldest Intentional Communities in the country, nestled in the South Toe Valley, in the shadow of Mount Mitchell (the tallest peak in eastern North America). 

Figure 1 (above) : The peak of Mount Mitchell, 30 minutes away from Celo Community. 

SnakeRoot EcoTours is currently on pause for now in the wake of Hurricane Helene’s impact on the region. It was only last August I had the privilege to attend a weekend away, with Tal guiding our tour group through the cloud forests of the Black Mountain Range. I decided to meet with him virtually to ask for his story and experience during Hurricane Helene. After a brief catch-up on life, Tal relayed the events of the storm to oer zoom for almost two hours. Here’s his story: 

The storm hit Celo Community on September 27th, 2024. The resulting chaos surprised him; he knew that there would be some flooding and heavy rains, which can be manageable. He recounted to me that he “lives right next to a creek…and remembers watching the flood waters come up the first steps to my house, then the second, then the third…” There are six steps to the entrance of his home, which he and his wife built on piers as preparation for a flooding event. When he was finally able to safely leave his home to check on neighbors, friends, and family members, he was shocked. The power, water, and cell services were all wiped out in the storm. It was like going out into the world blind. One shock he described to me that the bridge that connects the two sides of his community, as well as to the rest of the world, had been wiped out by the floodwaters. 

“You only know what you can see, with no outside communication.” 

Many people had left the safety of their homes to make sure everyone else was okay, and many used whatever resources they had available to move downed trees, rebuild the bridge, and distribute water, food, and medicines to the elderly and the disabled. As an Intentional Community, caring for each other was already a part of their ethos. But other neighbors from outside the IC stepped in to help as well, despite what differences they had.

Outside help finally came in on Tuesday, October 1st in the form of airlifts by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA. Some supplies were dropped off, and the rest was left up to those who live in Celo.

Just about all of the real heavy lifting and groundwork was done by those who lived in Celo or the surrounding rural area. He told me, 

“A silver lining is the closer connections the community made, it brought everyone together…even in the face of the Donald Trump election, it felt not relevant after the damage the storm brought. We’re focused on helping each other.” 

After 5 days, some power/cell was restored. The average, however, was 2 weeks after the hurricane, but at the date of our interview, some in Celo and the surrounding counties still don’t have power. 7 weeks after the storm, kids in Celo finally went back to school- in November. 

Long-term damage to the community remains; the beautiful, handcrafted Celo Inn, where Tal hosted Ecotours is all but destroyed. The first floor will have to be gutted and rebuilt, and it is no longer fit for habitation by the Innkeepers. The IC's food co-operative is also gone, after decades of business. Houses along the river were flooded completely, and families were displaced. One of the major highways is going to take millions of dollars to repair, and potentially years of labor. The hospital that used to be a 30-minute drive away from Celo is now a 4-hour drive around the mountains.

Thankfully, as an IC, Celo had support networks already in place as a part of everyday life. They are continuing to work together, and donate what they can in terms of time, resources, and contributions to gofundmes.

Tal's experience begs the question: are small, intentional communities of family and friends likely to have more resilient and compassionate communities in the face of climate disasters?

If anyone would like to read Tal's own blog of experiences, or the Sierra Club's coverage of Celo Community, the links are below:

[liminalweirdo]

" The powers that be also badly want us to forget that there was a moment — a long, two-year moment — when people felt that everything could be different, that revolutionary change was possible.

"Many disabled people noted that the pandemic made for a “cripping of the world” — where for perhaps the first time in a while, the world, gripped by a global pandemic, dwelled in disabled reality. Remember how, for a minute, so many forms of access disabled people had long fought for were here because abled people needed them? Remember virtual work, pandemic pay for frontline workers, online school, online events with captioning and ASL, teaching people how to freaking wash their hands and stay home when they were sick, the ability to reschedule an appointment or a plane ticket when you got sick and not get yelled at or charged a fee, and immunocompromised shopping hours? These waves of access, mixed with mass resistance in the streets and at home against anti-Black, white supremacist violence, made for a powerful-ass two years. If that kind of mass access, resistance and mutual aid could happen, revolutionary change could happen too. The state wants us to forget that.

The thing is, though, it’s not just the state. It’s been wild watching people who are ostensibly leftist say, We’re following the CDC guidelines, and drop masking, rapid testing and other safety requirements. Two years or more of rioting in the streets and suddenly, we’re doing what the government says we should do? One minute, we were masking; the next minute, you do you. One minute some abled people are experimenting with “WE keep US safe,” the next minute, every club in 2022 was like, “Masks encouraged but not required. You do you!”

By wild, I mean painful. By painful, I mean heartbreaking. By heartbreaking, I mean every disabled person I know is in a state of grief and shock since April, when many mask mandates in airlines, public transport and public life were abruptly dropped by federal and state governments in the U.S., as everyone else abandons solidarity to “move on.” One minute, a lot of people were masking during Omicron; the next minute, everyone was back to breathing on each other on the bus — and we weren’t safe anymore. We increasingly feel pushed out of public life, as events and spaces from urgent cares to ERs to conferences say, “Oh, we’re not doing virtual anymore.” We’re talking about it, but it feels like no one else is. And many of us feel incredibly alone in our grief, and in the disorientation of feeling like we’re the only ones stubbornly remembering." "

source

[reserwrekt]

I feel like I had everyone fooled into thinking I was normative or "okay" for two years. (2017-2019)

But the thing is, I never said I was. I had started over after my oldest brother passed away and all my friends left me to deal with it on my own.. I had told everyone around me that I'm not okay, that I have all these diagnosis, that I was sui, and I'm sick all the time.

But everyone ignored me. They ignored those parts. Then, when I started showing signs of my problems and disabilities- they'd act surprised. "I didn't think it was that bad."

My situationship at the time famously told me to drive myself to the ER when I woke up with sepsis, beginning stages of shock, kidneys shutting down. And as I was getting ready, I passed out, pissed, and vomited everywhere. It took me not being able to get back up, for him to sigh angrily and take me.

When we got to the hospital, I was stoic. The staff didn't expect anything. When they took my blood pressure, they suddenly started swarming me, ripping my clothes off my body, and scolding him for not calling an ambulance. (Blood pressure was nothing, like I think 50/40 something like that.)

But again, the fact that the ER staff assumed nothing was wrong, taking their time, and then realizing the emergency. I've always been treated like this..

During my hospitalization, the antibiotics weren't working. That made sense, because I've had a long history with antibiotics and already had antibiotic resistant sickness. But I could hear the staff talking about moving me to a critical care unit, in my valume induced haze. I could hear the nurses explaining "sepsis protocol" to each other. I would get woken up to more anticoagulant being injected through my stomach. I could hear them gossip about how they've "never not felt a pulse in a living person." As they started using my feet to check instead.

During this time, maybe I was hallucinating, I was having long vivid conversations with my passed brother. He told me I had a choice to join him now or not.

I put my deadbeat family's grieving, over my own. It was extra hard bc I was the only one supporting my brother, everyone left us alone.. I told him I couldn't. Then I started to respond to the medication (they switched antibiotics.)

For the next year, I felt I had a tie to my brother and we kept having conversations.

I was dating someone who literally wouldn't believe me or even try to empathize (same idiot.)

I asked my brother why doesn't everyone experience this? And he said it was because they couldn't handle it... and he said "look at how you've been.." and he was right. I was starting to obsess over it. I was regretting my choice to live. And then I'd have to wake up, feeling all this grief, next to a golden retriever who wouldn't even acknowledge that I woke up sobbing every day.

I had to get out of there, but because I had started over, the only people I knew, were HIS people..

I didn't trust his friend that was a little too eager to know me, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to her about some of the issues and how I don't know how to make it on the street as I'm awaiting disability.

Ofc she invited me to live with her, but I knew she had just married a guy she didn't even like. The red flags were there. And I told her on the first day, what always happens in my life. I said how no one ever helps unless they have other motives. I told her about every "family friend" who promised to get me out of foster care. I said EXACTLY how this was going to end, and I was right every step of the way.

I told her "I have severe problems that no one understands. They always say they do, but when I show signs and symptoms, they demonize me."

"No I won't. "

She did.

I told her "every family friend that said they were going to rescue me, went around and told everyone that's what they were doing, and then usually something happens like their partner gets jealous of me or something, it creates problems, and then when they break up, they leave me to die." And literally all of those things happened.

"I'm a licensed therapist." Yeah, and that's the scary part.

Meanwhile her husband was microagressing me the entire time I was there, I had JUST got my disability money (1yr living there) and then instead of being a dick to just me, he started taking it out on her. Then she immediately found ANOTHER Indigenous, two-spirit, Bipolar person to abuse. Then, that person told me that she basically told them that she was ME. She used her photos, but told them to a T MY personality.

All the people around us during that time, had no idea about me or my life. And then I got to see her go on and be successful at MY personality.

So for the past while, the things that I was interested in, that I showed her, shared with her, no longer felt like mine. So now I'm like in a very weird place with who I am.

I basically feel like for the past couple years, everyone ignored the real me, and cherry picked every detail THEY liked. So now I'm just extra messed up.

[martinurbandds]

The rewards of volunteering with Dental Lifeline Network

The rewards of volunteering with Dental Lifeline Network https://ift.tt/3c9F0TA Blogger Giancarlo Ghisalberti, D.M.D., is a 2010 graduate of Rutgers School of Dental Medicine. He is in private practice in North Bergen, New Jersey, with his father and brother. Dr. Ghisalberti serves as the District 4 representative on the ADA New Dentist Committee and the committee’s liaison to the ADA Council on Membership. Dr. Ghisalberti is the president of the Hudson County Dental Society and serves on numerous New Jersey Dental Association councils and committees. I began working with Dental Lifeline Network about four years ago. I was introduced into the program by my father who has been a volunteer for many years. After speaking with the network, I received my first patient application. Soon after, we had the patient scheduled and in our office. One of my Dental Lifeline Network patients was an elderly woman who had been to many other offices without success. She had numerous health challenges and was receiving treatment for cancer. She was also on a minimal fixed income with Social Security benefits and unable to afford the dental care she needed. In addition to the challenges she faced, she was unable to drive and relied on other transport to bring her to each appointment.  Upon arrival at our office, I learned she had a moderate fear of dentistry and was in severe need of dental care. She understood she had multiple infections and severe periodontal disease and would need multiple extractions along with prosthesis. We began treatment, seeing her weekly over the course of a couple months. Finally, on delivery day of both her upper and lower partial dentures, she was in shock. Our patient, who traveled close to an hour each way with traffic, was finally going home with a beautiful smile. During our post-op visits, I would learn that she was able to eat her favorite food again, talk to her friends without a mask on and smile for her grandchildren. She went on to leave a wonderful review on Google for us, refer multiple patients to our office and, most importantly, maintain wonderful oral hygiene and a healthy oral cavity.  The story of this patient is not out of the ordinary for my Dental Lifeline Network patients. As dentists, our most rewarding feeling is when a patient is smiling, chewing well and maintaining a healthy mouth. Following up with her for her recall appointments has been a joy. She brightens the mood of the office with her contagious smile. Working with the network has been a pleasure for me and an extremely rewarding process to help those in need. Dental Lifeline Network is a nonprofit that provides free, comprehensive dental care to people with disabilities, seniors and others in need of medically necessary care. Patients who are interested in receiving care can visit dentallifeline.org to apply. More dentists are needed to volunteer. The network asks volunteers to take one patient each year. Dentists review the patient profile in advance, meet with the potential patient for a consult, choose whether to see or decline the patient, determine a treatment plan, see the patient in their office, never pay lab costs and complete minimal paperwork. I encourage you to get involved by visiting the link above. via New Dentist Blog https://ift.tt/wopklOW August 14, 2023 at 12:32PM