#able to get to THAT point sighs
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SPARE ME YOUR MERCY | 1.02
#spare me your mercy#jaylerr#jj krissanapoom#tor thanapob#spare me your mercy the series#euthanasia the series#smymedit#clairedgifs#smym#userjamiec#usersasa#userrain#userpharawee#userspring#userrzey#tobelle#thaidramaedit#forfive#rinblr#smymep2#ok but here's the thing. relationship wise i have no issues w how they're developing kantew bc kan is as unhinged and shameless novel-wise#HOWEVER.... they're trying to incorporate the plot points in book 2 and that messes the original flow of tew slowly finding evidences#pointing at kan AFTER they're in a relationship fdjflsjfldfkajfa#waves hands in despair#the thing is i like book 2 bc there's a proper conclusion to this story but seeing how they're incorporating both. i wonder if we'll even#able to get to THAT point sighs#but if they're doing what i think they're doing... i think we'll be okay.#kan is probably not gonna drug tew in this version of smym so at least i'll have that#that being said i love how torjj is bringing gunnwasan to life... oh wasan my fave righteous cop
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I thought Tumblr might like this one
#hey guyssss...........ahah...#i awkwardly address my folowers every couple months to go “hey guess who changed fandoms again tee hee”#im so sorry but also im not because this is what you signed up for. you saw my 40 titles-long fandom list.#anyways time to add the weird gravity falls doomed yaoi to my hyperfixations. sigh.#if anyone can anaylise some shit i put in there and the meaning behind it they get a cookie#meaning so obscure I wasn't even able to explain it to my best friend HAHA#there's a reference in there i dont expect ANYONE to get. but oh well i can always hope heheheh#OKAY enough rambling what are you doing in the tags#camma the drawer#gravity falls#billford#?#bill cipher#stanford pines#gravity falls ford#gravity falls bill#gf ford#gf bill cipher#gf standford#ughhh guys look at my comfort character *points to egomaniac tyrant who almost killed my favorite characters and tried his damnest to do so*#bbbbye
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merlin being forced to confront the fact that he’s failing his people bc he’s sitting idly by while uther slaughters them all and coming to the decision that he has to act to save them but that’ll make him camelot enemy no. 1 but technically he already was they just didn’t know it. merlin spending a week all morose but unwilling to talk about it and spending as much time with his friends as possible. on his last night in camelot, he goes to arthur’s chambers and the prince is confused on why he’s there. merlin drops a sealed letter on his desk before pulling arthur into a gentle and emotional kiss. they barely separate, their lips hardly a breath apart, and merlin asks for forgiveness. arthur, thinking he’s apologizing for the kiss, tells him there’s nothing to forgive and goes in for a second kiss but merlin pulls away, knowing that that one brief kiss was all he could handle. if he lets arthur kiss him the way he’s dreamt of being kissed, he won’t be able to do what he needs to do, he won’t be able to leave. merlin tells him good night and leaves before arthur can react. he’s gone by dawn.
#arthur spends a long time storming thru the castle searching for him before returning to his chambers and reading the letter#the letter which outlines that merlin was resigning from his service and leaving camelot#arthur is enraged#merlin is still gone#gaius either wont tell him where merlin is or truly doesnt know#arthur mopes for weeeeeeeeks#then reports start sprouting up of a mysterious person traveling around the land and protecting druids from raids#and intervening when villages/towns attempt to execute sorcerers#uther sends arthur out to find this person and bring them to justice and arthur frankly couldnt care less about them#but it gives him the opportunity to go out and search for merlin so he jumps at the opportunity#he and his men eventually track more and more recent sightings of the cloaked figure to a town on the border of camelot and mercia#they chase the figure thru the streets until arthur corners them and flatly recites their charges of crimes against camelot#and orders them to return to camelot to be tried#the figure hesitates then sighs and turns around#arthurs sword droops to point at the ground as he takes in merlins slightly guilty face#‘i can’t do that arthur’#arthur is hurt from merlin sudden absence that he didnt even have the decency to warn him about#but now hes double hurt bc the reports of the mysterious person included them weilding magic#so now he also knows that merlins been lying about that as well and his hurt quickly turns to anger bc thats all he knows#he raises his sword despite knowing that he wont be able to bring it down on him. merlin smiles sympathetically as if he also knows.#merlin gets away and arthur returns to camelot only to be sent out again and again to kill merlin#friends to enemies to lovers#yippeeeee#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#fanfiction#fanfic#fic idea
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i miss horses
#horseback riding is insanely expensive in big cities though#idk if ive talked about it here but i did do horseback riding for i think six? or seven years? something like that#i was super lucky i got to do that bc i was able to get my equipment 2nd hand and#and my mom had 2 jobs and she thinks every kid should have at least one sports hobby and#she knew how much being able to do riding would mean to me so she made it happen and#it did so good for me so i'm very thankful#*did so much good#man i was in such a good shape when i still did riding. by good shape i mean great ass.#anyways i was even pretty good at it. the coach always wabted me to compete but i was like#''hmm no ♡'' bc i didnt want to have to learn and remember what to do at which point#i do sometimes think about what if i started competing#probably not much bc idk if it works with someone elses horse but hey i could have gotten ribbons#anyways i miss it#i dont think i could even get on a horse anymore. i need to start stretching regularly#also im probably too heavy to ride a lot of horses#but i want to brush a horse so bad rn#pretty recently after i stopped riding someone asked me if i did ride bc they could see it on the way i carry myself#which was interesting but i get what they meant#sigh my posture was so much better too#also im kinda scare i wouldnt bounce back from falling like i did when i was younger#it's a miracle i never broke anything or worse#leevi talks
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I wish the game looked as good as the photo mode does on mobile, unfortunately it doesn't :_)
#abbey plays infinity nikki#heads up... if you want to play this game#play it on PC or console#save yourself the horror of the mobile version#they are trying to improve it but honestly it still sucks ass#hopefully they'll be able to actually fix it at some point#Wuwa feels amazing on my phone now for example#and it used to suck ass as well so...#I hope they manage to achieve it too somehow#but seriously why are game companies like this?#why release a game that's quite literally unplayable?#then they have to spend months and months fixing it#why not release a good version from the beginning are they stupid#either that or they have extremely tight schedules 'cause holy shit#and it's such a shame#bc a lot of people were super hyped like myself#and this is what I get#while PC/console players are having so much fun#sighs
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feeling really mournful over the files i lost when my computer died. all the stuff from the past year-- some of the best and coolest and most important art i've ever made-- is gone. a lot of them are on the internet but it's not the same
#theres a small chance i could save it but i dont really have my hopes up#ive tried everything i personally feel capable of and im at a point where the only way its happening is if i take the hard drive somewhere#but theres clearly something wrong with it#so idk if theyd be able to do anything for me#i keep getting really upset when i want to pull up a file i made just this summer and i fucking cant#i have to pray i can find it on discord or something and im upset about it#both of the big zines i worked on are gone too i dont have ANY of that artwork#the only surviving copy of anything from unicorn dysphoria is a pdf i just so happened to put on google drive#sigh.#woofbarkmeow
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The tragedy that is the majority of viewers not catching onto the fact that Gamora had tons of internal cybernetics and an entirely replaced skeletal system when those are the only things that will remain long after she's gone.
#lex thoughts#universe: mcu#gotg thoughts#ive seen many people assume the silver markings were just. weird alien makeup and not the metal poking out of her skull#but granted i can't really blame them when the only mentions of the internal stuff being a quick aside during the briefing on Xandar#but. i still think about it and how it never really got brought up. almost as if it didn't matter because it was all mainly on the inside.#odd and offputting.#especially when it was always made a point to highlight the cruelty of involuntary body modification enacted on Nebula and (mainly) Rocket#bummer moment sorry i just can't get over vol 3 and watching everyone try to cover up her death as if it didn't happen#and that meaning they didn't go to Vormir so they'd be able to give her a funeral nor do they even seem very bothered by that.#very sad and depressing when yondu was allowed one and appearance beyond the grave multiple times but gamora..? Denied.#i also dislike OG Groot becoming nonexistent to the team post Vol 1 so i guess you could say the precedent had been set. but#even rocket buried a piece of him in that planter.#i wouldn't want to be a bunch of metal bones rattling around but i guess you don't always get a choice#and Gunn's tweet that he did think to include OG Groot and Yondu in Rocket's afterlife scene. but very specifically left out Gamora. sigh.
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two episodes of nervous crying your brains out for longer than one hour in the span of three days were not in my bingo card for 2024 when I graduated ten years ago and I would like to frankly get the fuck over myself
#personal for ts#one day i’ll be able to put into words#the absolutely hateful feeling of thinking you got over your shit#and then finding out that NOT ONLY you aren’t#but KNOWING you���re falling back into shitty coping mechanisms you STILL let it happen#honestly my self loathing is off the roof because fifteen years ago i didn’t know i was shitty coping#now i KNOW i am and guess what here i am doing the whole isolating myself and forgetting to reply to ppl song and dance#christ i thought i was okay with handling that kinda shit guess not#and yeah ofc i need to fix it for myself but this time is so much worse i’m just#my kingdom for waking up one morning and feeling some level of mental clarity#and for some goddamned financial stability#and for the force of will to keep the house tidy enough that i dont feel sad just looking at the state of the living room#guys also honestly sorry if i forgot to reply to your ask or pm or anything i’ll get to it at some point#i swear i’m not ignoring people on purpose i’m just completely overwhelmed sigh
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Recent misc pictures
#image 1 - sky of course.. beautiful clouds time. Image 2 - steak and scrambled eggs with a mushroom spinach sautee sort of thing#and an apple fritter (all cooked at home of course except for the apple fritter... still wishing I could ever get food out or have it made#for me so I don't have to do the effort of making it all myself.. it just tastes better sometimes when you're in a relaxed state eating#it rather than a 'just stood in the kitchen for 1hr' state lol). Image 3 - nice gray clouds with the sun through them.#Image 4 - 4 tiny gyoza type things with a tiny Diet Restriction Friendly size portion of iced coffee and a starshaped ice cube#Images 5 - 7 - these interesting flowers I came across whilst walking on a trail. I think the way they grow is cool. And that the buds of#them are so fluffy and such. Image 8 - 9 -- more stinky word counts... aughhh...... Trying to plan a full timeline of when#I might actually finish the game and I'm estimating currently like July 2025 as an insanely optimistic ideal and October 2025 as my very#late one. So likely somewhere in between. Or even later if something happens as things tend to do (computer explodes. etc)#Both are HOT months for oregon so I guess that's what started me off thinking and dwelling on the passage of time and the weather.. grrr#I wish I could be done with it tomorrow or something and then just relax and play sims all winter knowing my work is done lol#But I feel like the impending summer (as well as many other impending societally threatening things) give me too much urgency to be like#WAUGh i need to get this done NOWWW.. But I still wish I could relax and enjoy the winter a litttle. eugh... ANYWAY. I did finish the#discord for the game but I still don't know if I'll use that. I need to work more on the game itself and the itch.io page. But then also#I should probably talk about it or try to cultivate a small base of people (like a discord) who actually care about it and could become#future playtesters so I have that all ready well before the game actually is done so I needn't scramble at the last minute.. If I were#smart. and had social skills. and had energy (< has none of these things). So inevitably who knows if shall be able to muster any such feat#At least I'm getting like.. some words done.. some days. I am making progress. It's just never good enough considering the circumstances#(< looming instability and time passing in what feels like a very fast manner). ANYWAY.. lol... Image 10 - recent game of Price#Is Right Plinko Pegs my beloved game which I return to to play like maybe 2 rounds of once every 5 months... one day I shall win... Though#I'm incresingly uncertain if there even IS a last level. Or if its designed to go on forever/make you fail at a point to keep you playing..#Last two images - CLOUDS again. A very cloud heavy photo diary this time it seems lol#Also trying to: - post a few more costumes from drafts. - make new friend survey thing. - edit videos - make a sculpture. - set up#things to actually sell sculptures. - doctors appointments. - pack up things to possibly move before the summer to an apartment which#will still not have central AC but maybe at least is not west facing (so gets direct sun hottest part of the day and is a greenhouse)#Life is a constant revolving to do list with occasional sleep & looking at clouds in between.. (sigh)(pauses)(slightly more whimsical sigh)#photo diary
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still completely and utterly haunted by a hot take I posted when I was 15 that got 70k notes… if you ever come across it pls forgive me I did not expect it to get so popular
#still generally agree with the point but just managed to word it soooo badly. cos I was 15#it was about classic literature and ppl took it be some anti intellectual bollocks or me personally hating classic literature#lads i am literally doing a BA in English Literature now#and I’m on track to get a first lol. I LIKE CLASSIC LITERATURE#there is so much nuance i will never be able to convey in a 200 word tumblr post so i guess I’ve got to leave it. sigh#anna.txt
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had to go without my adderall for a lil over a week because cvs hates me but i finally just got my rx after also raising the dosage from what it was before bc that shit wasn't working and i KNOWWW it's just because i've been off of it for a while and this will wear off after i've readjusted in like 3 days but i'm baffled rn at how much better i feel already. like for the first time in several months i actually feel AWAKE and like i have control over my own brain and its crazy. i'm finally doing my christmas shopping after putting it off for several weeks & i'm making plans to do other chores today that don't feel like the fake-adhd-hopeful-denial-plans and instead feel like they might actually get done. the stimulant is stimulating me and to be fully honest im a little mad about it
#geniunely having to keep reminding myself it's bc i haven't had any stimulant medication since last tuesday and not to get my hopes up#but mannn its so nice to not be weighed down by fatigue for once. god damn. why can't it be like this all the time it pisses me off !!!!!!#like i've accepted my brain is never gonna work by itself at this point but whyy can't the meds that MAKE it work be CONSISTENT!!!!!!!!#WHY DO THEY ONLY WORK BEST AT THE START!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sigh. maybe if/when this dosage stops working i'll look into immediate release and see how that treats me#even tho the whole reason i've been sticking with XR is bc my brain hates the idea of taking meds multiple times a day#if i can at least have like an On Button or smth in the form of a pill for when i wanna get shit done i might be able to suck it up idkkkkk
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was �� sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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sorry i cant stop thinking about it. i genuinely hate that the response lately to ppls worries about hrt--not talking about 'eveyone needs extensive therapy first' or 'you need to be [some unreasoble entry barrier %] certain cause itll change u forever' or othersuch scaremongering but people literally going 'im worried im gonna lose my job/housing/close relationships that are important to me'--is like. 'well too bad. couldnt be me. i would simply not worry about those things. skill issue. why would anything stop u from going on hrt. if literally anything might make you slightly hesitate or god forbid dissuade you this is a sign youre actually The Enemy.' what is fucking with that
#myposts#re: transgender cowardice#unhappy with how ive phrased this but not able to come up with anything better. read my poorly disguised run on sentence boy#anyway. idk. its extremelty alienating being prehrt rn#or it is for me personally idk about anyone else#want a thing so bad. working on it. finding friction w transphobia in my family n a hostile medical system#n worries about my career in a field that is unkind to queer people and and and#none of that is going to stop me. dont get me wrong im at a point where i know im gonna do it bc i cant really#uh live without it.anymore. i know i need it#but its also like. i find setbacks and moments of frustration in all of these things#and instead of finding encouragement from other trans people who have passed through the gauntlet and proved it possible#i find like. shame and hostility that im not doing it effortlessly and cant write it off like it doesnt affect me#trans people seem to pop into the world fully formed 4 years on hormones#the trans people that arent there yet that are embarrassing in their experimentation or their GNC or not passing or not hvaing#a developed sense of style or just. arent white and sufficiently behaving like white members of their gender. i see it trust#are all targets of ridicule and speculation about the veracity of their transness or their commitment to the cause of trans liberation#sigh
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minecraft.......... MINECRAF
#i sound like a 9 year old obsessed with minecraft#when i was 9 i used to beg my parents for minecraft#I NEED MINECRAFT LIKE I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED IT LIKE#YES IM IN HIGHSCHOOL DO NOT GET FOOLED. i love minecraft so much its crazy#i never got minecraft at the end 😒 im stuck with crafting and building...#anywasy............... oh how i would love to be in a block world where physics dont exist and i can fly and theres different dimensions#sigh ... i am a block.......... im literally a block watch me form into a block............. /j#can i yap about my persona#my persona was a block inside of a block world that absorbed other blocks and the block world itself and then with the stored#energy of the blocks my persona absorbed it managed to form itself to different solid shapes... first was a rectangular prism..#second was a pyramid... at one point after being able to turn to both a pyramid and a rectangular prism they just got stuck as this#blob of pointy shapes difficult to move so they managed to learn how to remove sides until they were stuck with one they formed to a sphere#and from then on they developed to a human.. no distinct age whatsoever..#lowkey sometimes id like to turn to a cube whenever i just get stressed out so erm yes my persona turns to a cube when anxious
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it's done, he's going to miami
#.......sighs#I think i am dissapointed in him in ways I didnt expect to be#unless something comes out that points to the club being at fault rn it looks like there was never any real intention to come#why else would he not be willing to give us at least a few weeks to get some players out and move stuff around to be able to fit him in#economically#and its also dissapointing bc he still plays at a great level he should be going to another european team or something..... at least a more#competitive league#going to miami is like retiring basically and I was hoping he didnt do it#but oh well its his life and his career if what he wants is just money and low level stakes football then thats what he wants and im no one#to tell him what he should do#lionel messi#leo messi#fcb#fc barcelona#barça
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getting really nostalgic rn thinking about marching band. the only time in my life i felt like i was a) accomplished and b) good at something
#sighs really big. the fact ill never be able to go back. whats the point!!!!#trying to get my mom to send me videos of our performances all 4 years but idk if she has them…
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