#aaa... i want to cry
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It took me like 6 years but i Finally drew this old idea of mine.
"What if Dante and Vergil were born as grubs and changed their forms to human-like only with time?"
#This artwork is probably the last new art i'm going to post in a longer time#i'm busy#+actually my pen broke even harder so i guess i need to finally buy a new tablet#it's a miracle i scribbled this doodle somehow. hehh.#EDIT: OMG?? GUYS. i just went to the dmc tag after a looong time. and turns out someone drew grub Dante and Vergil few days ago. AAA#I'M SO HAPPY. GO LOOK UP @/retrorruption IF YOU WANT SOME GRUB DANTE AND VERGIL. Actually i reblogged the artwork myself. it's so cute!!#Everyone has to see it! glad it's art reblog day today#DMC#Devil May Cry#DMC Fanart#Devil May Cry fanart#Dante#Vergil#Dante Sparda#Vergil Sparda#Eva Sparda#grubs#bugs#DMC Dante#DMC Vergil#DMC Eva#artists on tumblr#doodle#carpet's art#accessible art#id in alt
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Rät by Penelope Scott is so Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne
#my dc posting#dc#jason todd#bruce wayne#batman#red hood#'and the worst part is i loved you i loved you i loved you its true. i wanted to be you and do what you do'#'i feel so stupid and so used! i feel so used.'#'i bit the apple cus i loved you and why would you lie. and then i realized youre just as naive as i am'#'oh youre so traumatized! it makes me wanna cry.'#'so fuck your tunnels fuck your cars fuck your rockets fuck your cars again'#(hits different w the batmobile tires)#honestly everything abt the song#you taught me everything just like a daddy should. in the name of public good. i wouldve taken your last name.#AAA i go insane every time i connect the dots abt a song
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Heres a sorta drabble/headcanon of sorts of how I picture MC's relationship with Xavier would devleop~ I'm not much of a writer but the brainrot is real and im working on making similar ones for the other boys too! 1,029 words || You can also read it on ao3
‧͙⁺˚・༓・˚⁺‧͙⁺˚・༓・˚⁺‧͙⁺˚・༓・˚⁺‧͙⁺˚・༓・˚⁺‧͙⁺˚・༓・˚⁺‧͙ Zayne ・ Rafayel ・ Sylus
He would never admit it, but you saved Xavier on that fateful first mission. Not from the wanderers though- He would’ve been able to defeat them all on his own, he’s lost track of how many stronger enemies he's dealt with over the years. What you saved him from was himself.
Life had become dull and monotonous for him- barely floating by and existing for the last eternity of loneliness after losing you the last time. Doing nothing more than throwing away his life against wanderers just to have some sort of purpose. You brought light back into his life once more, Just having you in his life again was more than enough. He didnt even dare to wish for more and let himself get too greedy out of fear of losing you far too soon.
But every day he got to see you for even a moment was everything he wanted and needed, it was a wonderful twist of fate that the two of you ended up being neighbors. He never went out of his way to see you, but you always happened to run into him time and time again whenever he wished to see you the most. Like fate was bringing you together
Between casual hangouts and missions together, you guys clicked hard and fast. You'd think you’ve known this man your whole life instead of just meeting earlier this year with how comfortable and natural everything is between the two of you. When did it become the norm to see him sitting on your couch reading almost every day? You can hardly remember what your life was like before he entered it.
One day the two of you are assigned a mission far away, and despite having separate hotel rooms you found yourself in his bed talking strategy and everything else late into the night. You don’t know at what point you had dozed off, but you found yourself opening your eyes early in the morning due to the sunrise pouring in. There was a sleeping figure next to you as well, with one arm gently draped over your abdomen. He looked absolutely stunning being illuminated from behind, you are almost unable to stop from gazing at his sleeping face.
You carefully reach out a hand to brush some hair out of his eyes to get a better view and he starts to stir a little, pulling you close to him while muttering that it’s too early to get up. Your heart is racing at the closeness. You could spend the rest of your life right there in his arms, it just felt it was where you belonged. Wrapping your arms around him in return, you press a gentle kiss on the top of his head.
Xavier doesn’t talk about himself all that much, greatly preferring to listen to anything and everything you have to say. You always found that odd, you loved to yap on about everything you like after all but you can’t seem to think of anything in particular he does that same for.
“Is there something on my face?” he asks, snapping you out of your thoughts “Oh Sorry, I was just thinking that I don’t know much about you….” “You don’t?” He tilts his head as he thinks “Hmm well just ask me what you want to know. I’ll glady tell you anything” “Then let’s start with an easy one, what’s your favorite movie?” “I don’t remember the name, but I’ll have to say the one you showed me last week” “That's my favorite movie Xavier, you always just agree with the things I like.. I want to know what you like” “But you were the one who showed me it, so of course I’m gonna like it.” he leans in close and gently places a hand on top of yours “And I like anything to do with you” Your face starts to flush bright red, and the only thing you can think of as a response is to nod and clasp your hand around his.
It was like Pandora's box was opened- neither of you could deny your feelings for the other any longer, and it was impossible to tell who was the more clingy about it. Sneakily holding hands at HQ when nobody was looking, spending entire days in his arms as he reads aloud the latest book he got, and not to mention the fact you'd often spend more time at his apartment than your own.
He's a strong and capable hunter, and while you know this you cant help but worry about him on missions. He's of course the exact same to you, neither of you want to lose the other. When you are paired on missions together its like an internal battle to protect the other the most, sure its not the standard way to deal with wanders but you both have the lowest record of injuries as of late because of it.
But every day was nothing but pure bliss with him by your side, you guys were in perfect sync. He always knew exactly what you wanted- sometimes before you even realized it yourself. It was almost like he could read your mind, he just knows you so well. If he could spend the rest of his long life taking care of your every need he would.
Perhaps if he ever told you the whole history behind your shared fate, you could realize just how much love he has for you. How absolutely broken and alone he was before you appeared in front of him again. How willingly he would die for you or destroy the world just to keep you by his side for a moment longer.
You trust him with your life, and let him lead your relationship into each next step without a second thought. From a surprise first kiss one morning before he left on a mission, to everything beyond that. Nothing felt rushed or like you weren't ready for it. The absolute perfect relationship with the perfect man of your dreams.
He is everything you didn't even know you wanted and more. You guys made each other complete
#love and deepspace#xavier#xavier love and deepspace#xavier l&ds#xavier lads#irodruwrite#i originally didnt want to include much about myths in these but i cant seem to write xavier without including it LMAO#anyones welcome to take what ive written for these and expand upon them in proper fic form btw!! ill kiss u if u do xoxo#ALSO THANKS FOR OVER 60 NOTES ON THE ZAYNE ONE IM CRYING I DIDNT THINK YOU GUYS WOULD LIKE THESE SO MUCH AAA#next should be rafayel im thinking btw!! saving sylus for last hehe#budding relationships
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soulmates whom are going to be okay
#this is my buddie canon#aaa my brain wants them to kiss so bad#i am about to cry#fuck#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#911#911 abc#buck x eddie#evan buck buckely#9 1 1
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Josie Pinup for @thedeafprophet ;) (full nudity below the cut)
i think october wants her cloak back josie 🤭
(based on this:)
#(yes i can draw legs properly HOWEVER josie has EDS so i wanted to have her hyper-extending the one knee because. she deserves to be#seen as pretty Including her bendy joints damnit!!!!!!!)#anyways#phantom of the opera moments much josie? my my#you guys would not BELIEVE how my phone has SLAUGHTERED this piece in particular!!! i can't even do my normal little photo app editing trick#(telling my phone to use the 'enhance' or 'contrast' settings :( )#like. in person josie is super super smeared and washed out in her reflection! but october is actually only a tiny bit smeared and not#washed out at all! so she Sticks Out a lot!!! because she's a parabolan ghost with a lot of parabolan power mastery and i wanted her to seem#... Disturbingly Tangible#but my phone picks up on fucking NONE of that#and yet somehow it's picking up and EMPHASIZING all this white texture and spotting that is legitimately Barely Visible in person#and like. her stretch marks are nowhere near as bright!! they're nice and natural looking i prommy#and it's over-emphasizing the lightness of her palms too aaaaaaaa#anyways. I'm crying over how my phone just. murders my art for funsies. waugh#please please please i promise it looks a thousand times better in person 😭😭😭#her face too :(#alas alas.#dye stained art#suggestive#also tmblr don't kill me this is a fuckung pinup. artistic nudity. aaa#sometimes i will just draw ocs naked for stress relief!!! because i like how bodies are shaped#hnnnnnng gold ink <3#mirrors#ask to tag#others ocs#josie
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guys i can't even listen to the ballad of the witches' road without crying
this show freaking broke me
#im drawing#rio vidal#and i cant even listen to the score without wanting to cry#like i just can't#and im listening to chanzillasonic's undertale + deltarune playlist#i love undertale sm#it finally made me stop crying#but yeah this show made me a mess#agatha all along#aaa
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this might be a lil weird but I wanted to say I really appreciate ur aroace characters!! it feels kinda rare to see that at all let alone in a PMD setting and it sparks joy for me :) ty!! and ofc I love Phoebe & Scout as characters and will be following their story as long as it takes
ANON. LOOKING AT YE LIKE THIS FHSBXB <3333333333
Not weird at all!!!! You made my day!!!! Imight cry this made me so so happyy fjsgsbfhfh EEHEHE <333
I AM. SO SO HAPPY THAT THEY SPARK JOY FOR YE THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME YE'RE SO SWEET AA 💙💙💙💙💙
Thank you so much for these kind words <333333
#as an aroace person my main characters HAD to be aroace too ehehe#crying though I'm so happy that it makes ye happy tooo aaa#again thank you so much sweet anon <333 I don't think I can express how happy this made me fbsbb#and THANK YE SO MUCH FOR WANTING TO READ THE COMIC EEEEE!!!!!#anonymous asks ✨️#fav#fav fav fav#cow talks#pokemon#pmd#pokemon mystery dungeon#mew#skitty#aroace#art post#not comic
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Guess who's craving waffles rn but can't have them because she's sick and feeling like SHIT, that's right me! But you know what I can do? Write about the fuckin' waffles,
Hear me out on chocolate and blueberry waffles, nice with a light crisp, with maple syrup drizzled over it, maybe with some whipped cream on the top with strawberries and more blueberries, hell if your feelin' fancy put some sprinkles on!
If any of you make waffles please send it to me in like an ask or something please SOMEONE LIVE MY DREAMS OF WAFFLES
#radiorambles#PLEASE I WANT WAFFLES AAA. AA A#WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SICK#AA A A A A A. A A#I CAN'T LEAVE MY ROOM EITHER BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO RISK MY FAMILY GETTING SICK#So SO tempted to break out of my room in the middle of the night and make myself some damn waffles#if i can't find the waffle maker that my brother for some reason got nine year old me who was on a kitchen ban several years ago THEN I'LL#MAKE PANCAKES#I LIKE THEM TOO#My apologies if I sound whiny but its either this or I cry ans I rather not sob and be dehydrated#should i ask my mom for waffles#“Mother please tis I your ill technically an adult child may I have waffles with chocolate chip and blueberry?”#no I'll wait until the dead of night
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i don't wanna take over the world, it sounds like a lot. but you know, laying siege to a golf course sounds really nice sometimes
#just me hi#i'm giggling thinking about it hfbvhs#you can use the sandbanks for cover and if you plan far enough ahead you can start farming around those little ponds#and you can steal golf balls :D and use them as currency ?? or just collect them :3#and you could use the tennis ball guns to shoot the balls at people of course!! and you're supplied with sticks when you get there !! free#weaponry !! :D#and if you can hold out for long enough you could start planting rose and blackberry bushes in places they wouldn't look#why? bc roses Always Come Back#and blackberries will take a minute but who can get mad at a blackberry bush !! nature's surprise :D#oh and of course you could have a noble steed too (golf cart) !! :DD#and you could make the building a castle#and make a little gnome town in the fields once the battle is over#OH you could build a miniature golf in and around the town too :D for the funsies#/places are very cool i like places#could some be used better? oh yea for sure#i have dreams for abandoned malls hfvbs - some of my favorite places ever#that's one big odd thing i want. to have a mall to live in hfhs :3#is it a lot of space ? ye. but it's also SOO much space.. the possibilities !!#//anyway i Need to go for a walk in a city sometime soon lol#i miss the riverwalk aaa#GASP campus martius during the winter. my dearest#i didn't realize the threshold for being a city was so low lmao ?? like man these are just big towns what is this hfvbsh#//but aside from the city pining MAN#i got to drive earlier today ('got to' they put me in the seat and it wasn't very fun hfvbshf) and oooohhh#you know that feeling on a roadtrip when it's all worth it for just a little while.maybe when you broke over the top of a hill or looked up#from whatever you were doing to find a storm ahead and the rear lights of the cars seemed to blink in agreement with how gorgeous it all is#just that hfbsh :3#i like places a lot. sobs [<- crying candy hearts]#//okey i'm goin to go do my somethings now hfvhs :3 :D#music and caffeine are SO good ehehhehghhg [slinkies away so fast]
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Watching Hazbin Hotel is not a next for me to make another oc is it jUST KIDDING I ALREADY DID
#my art#artists on tumblr#oc#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel oc#hazbin hotel original character#yun did a thing#help#my vampire obsession coming in clutch as per usual#I will lore drop later I’m tired rn#aaaaaaaaaa#aa aaa. Aa . Aaaa. A#That was me crying over not being able to finish some of the episodes#no eyes because I did not want to draw them today
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*head in hands* Richas has... so many surnames...
#qsmp#qsmp soul eater au#<- working on a post about the kids and now i want to cry augh#no idea what to give him aaa
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Thank you to the state of Ohio and English record producer Mickie Most for giving me a wonderful eclipse day, yesterday 🙏
#maumee ohio thank you your dr pepper was good#seeing the eclipse was sOOOO COOL. SO COOL. I LOVE ASTRONOMICAL EVENTS I LOVE SPACE ROCKS.#brought the animals with me of course because i always bring them with me to ohio#I WANTED THEM TO SEE IT TOO!!!!!!#my mom and i went to an antique store as well and gOSH THE HAUL WAS GOOD!!!#got a couple of herman's hermits albums because Mickie Most Moment (thanks peter noone for talking about him in your shows)#and ANIMALS!!! OHHHH WHENEVER I FIND ANIMALS I CRY.#i didn't have the 'bury my body' ep yet or the '73 'best of the animals' album yet!!!!!!!!#love how barry doesn't play on a single one of those songs on the larger album b u t he's on the front picture 😔🙏#and i found..... 'take it easy/i'm crying'....... ooohhhh PRICE-BURDON HELP ME#i had to snatch it... i'm going to give it to my friend in england!!! 😭🙏 since i have two copies already aaa......#i also found a copy of 'o lucky man!' and i was sooo tempted b u t again#i own two copies already so ..... i left it so someone else can enjoy alan for the first time 😭😭😭😭💞 ALAN PRICE SAVED MY LIFE.#...going to listen to 'o lucky man!' as i finish his birthday drawing eeee......#almost got a donovan album too b u t all of the donovan albums i've been finidng recently are soooo expensive 😭😭 maybe later...#saving up for london part 2 and magazines.... also a convention next month#anyway. THANK YOU MICKIE MOST.#the seviper card too eeeee one of my favorite pokémon#FOUND A SHINY WIMPOD IN TOLEDO HASHTAG WIN#the animals#eclipse 2024#herman's hermits#things i said today
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The Canticle Of Bartholomew
They said to him, “We have had dreams, and there is no one to interpret them.” And Joseph said to them, “Do not interpretations belong to God? Please tell them to me.”
x x x x x x x x x
#been wanting to make one of these for a while#but i wanted to do it ethically with actual image sources and jfc that is a process#the absolute pain of finding the perfect image but it's been reposted so many times that the og source is buried#what i'm saying is i could i have made this cooler and more specific but alas#might try to make another one geared more toward how i'm rebuilding him into an origional story#edits by me sources are linked in the post idk if i'm doing this right aaa#also is there a way to do longer alt text???? or does tumblr just blow?#oc: bartholomew#far cry 5#fc5
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HELP I HAVE TO DO A VIDEO INTERVIEW HOW THE FUCK DO I DO THAT?!!!!
Doesn't help that my parents aren't being supportive. They're just like. "Okay well figure it out" and like yeah sure that'll definitely help your shelter 18 year old who's NEVER WORKED A DAY IN THEIR LIFE NOR EVER AN INTERVIEW.
#like youve got to be kidding me bro#i wanna cry#and its like supposed to be 20 minutes long#what do i talk about for 20 minutes? theres literally nothing special about me im just a guy looking for a job#like i just want money for fanch pc hehe#i hate this so much aaa wtf what do i do why did i do this
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I finished alien isolation
#OUHAHFJHDJ#it took me a While and I’ve never been so tense#it’s so scary I wanted to cry at points#BUT I DID IT#AAA#I love xenomorphs <3
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@yeonban said: With Seiroku's answers of before and today in tow, Soma seems to nearly vanish from the band. Or better said, he seems to be in so many different places that no one is quite sure where exactly he is at any given moment - almost everyone can attest to having seen him during the day (a rare feat outside of the yearly bushi festival, and even then he sometimes didn't attend it) but none did so for more than a few minutes at a time before completely losing sight of him and hearing, hours later, that he was sighted on the other side of the band. The places he's been sighted at vary not unlike the sky and the land, from the hustle and bustle of the band's inner city to several scenic spots he hasn't visited in years, and not even meeting Seiroku on his way to work has managed to hold Soma in place for longer than a minute or two, only really enough for a brief conversation and a kiss away from prying eyes. His nobles had tried and failed to keep track of him & bring him back to deal with the assigned paperwork (none of which is urgent, that much he's thoroughly checked beforehand), whereas his closest vassals had promptly recognized the signs of what their captain is attempting to do and sympathetically chose to keep the peskier of the bunch occupied as to allow Soma enough free time to accomplish what he's decided to.
The red soul seems to have taken the time out of his schedule to talk to only a certain few men, but upon further questioning no one has managed to pry out the topics they had talked about, merely that the subject seems to have brought a fond smile on Soma's conversation partners' faces. The reason behind their captain's odd stroll remains a mystery thus, and enough of one for the citizens to inquire around - before the incident is ultimately dropped come nightfall alongside Soma's presence in the city. No one has seen him in the past two hours (or at least no one's mentioned it to the others) yet Soma makes a point to find Seiroku on the doctor's way home from work, appearing more leisure in comparison to his hurried self from earlier in the day. ❛ Seiroku, do you have a moment? ❜ The question allows for a negative answer, but despite that, he appears to be, underneath the crafted composure, rather restless.
Unbeknownst to the majority, the castle has been flying towards a specific destination since early morning, having just now reached it. A hand grabs hold of Seiroku's wrist when he receives an affirmative answer, and once they're out of the city Soma's hand dives lower, taking proper hold of Seiroku's for the rest of the walk. Only when they arrive in front of the band's outer walls does Soma let go of the other's hand and securely wraps his arm around his waist instead, opting to use his kitetsuto to fly to the band's highest point before carefully letting go of Seiroku once he finds a safe spot for them to land on. In front of them lies the most wondrous sight of Miyagi: the 260 islands of Matsushima, brightly illuminated by the moon and beautifully complimented by the sea surrounding them as far as the eye could see. Even outside of the natural beauty, Seiroku had a penchant for water, didn't he?
Soma allows Seiroku to take in the sight for however long he pleases, focusing his attention on him rather than on the wonder of nature all the while. ❛ Seiroku. ❜ He eventually starts, when it looks like the doctor has taken in everything there is to notice about the destination Soma's rushed his retainers to head the castle towards not long after hearing Seiroku's replies to his vague queries. ❛ No one else will ever hold my heart the way you do. You've made me happier than I've ever been, and you're the only one I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. ❜ A hand reaches out for Seiroku's again, though Soma only raises it a bit higher and offers it a light squeeze before his free hand reaches inside his haori and pulls out a golden ring, one painstakingly finished today at the hands of the band's most renowned jewelers and created from the finest gold the Date have found in recent years, specifically for the man in front of him. As can be seen, Soma has thought about this for quite some time now, but only today has that process been finalized (he refused to purchase a third-rate, already existent ring, and so he'd had to wait for the custom one to be made - which had also granted him enough time to reconsider his decision several times, and to always arrive at the same conclusion).
❛ Will you do me the honor of marrying me? ❜ It's a question directly from the heart, and Soma's eyes gaze into Seiroku's while he waits to either place the ring on the other's finger or place it back inside his haori, depending on what answer he'll receive. The before from earlier meant before or after Seiroku's birthday, and the today spoke for itself. Soma openly chooses him over his clan's long-lasting traditions, yet there isn't a single shadow of doubt in the captain's eyes about it. It might not be the preferred course of action from a political standpoint, but that's fine, he can make up for that much through wit and hard work. He doesn't need the possibility of eventually gaining more land by resorting to an arranged marriage, not when the Date already owns plenty of it and he's certain he'll be able to gain more with enough effort. Seiroku is so much more important than any of that, and the red soul can't hope to replicate any of the happiness they've shared with each other with anyone else (nor does he want to try to). His life is bound to be complicated no matter who his spouse is, courtesy of the weighty title he bears and the burdens it brings along with it, so if Soma can have any say in it... he wants Seiroku to be it. To be the one he'll spend the rest of his life with, and who he'll share both his highs and lows with.
Quite frankly, Seiroku’s not confident if what he’s done is good or bad. But what is done is done, his answers have been given and then Soma practically disappears into thin air. Work calls, but even that does not seem to offer an escape. Not when people are chatting about seeing him here or there and that something must be going on, but know one seems to know anything substantial. Seiroku can’t help but listen though, making notes of places he’s heard people mention spotting him in passing but it’s never much. Even he had seen Soma for a brief moment, a sparrow kiss before the captain was off. At the time he had figured something important was going on. Now? Well, surely it must still be important in some way, but he can’t figure out what way. There’s no panic, no talk of an upcoming battle, nothing. Nothing but confusion and curiosity. Even with his notes of locations, it doesn’t add up to anything more than a list.
Seiroku knows when he’s fighting a losing battle, so eventually he decides to abandon any attempt of understanding what was happening and focus himself back on his work. That he understood, and that there was plenty of still even without fights. People got sick or managed to injure themselves (sometimes in very creative ways). So he works with the same professionalism that he always does, entertaining conversation and healing the wounded. At least until his shift comes to an end inevitably. Although the curious chaos from earlier seems to have faded away judging by the calmer tones to the night. “ Soma! “ Seiroku greets warmly when he sees Soma approaching him. “ I do. “ He confirms. I always do if its you.
Yet there’s something, something that makes him feel a tiny trace of apprehension in a way he hasn’t felt for so long. He knows how to hide that, to simply offer a quizzical glance but allows himself to be led by the wrist with ease. He follows curiously, unable to help trying to note their path if it correlates to earlier information but that was rather swiftly abandoned once again. Instead he enjoys the warmth of Soma’s hand when their hands find each other again. He’s always warm, comforting. It’s rather silly how much he enjoys simply holding Soma’s hand. But he does, he craves the softness it brings. Even when it’s gone in favor of holding his waist when Soma whisks them away to a new location, he enjoys the simplicity of comfort that Soma’s presence is. That’s his focus until he’s set down and looks around, unable to help the sharp inhale. “ Soma... This is...This... “ He breathes, blue eyes wide with delight, enough so the words elude him but the intention is clear.
It’s gorgeous. He can’t help himself when his eyes widen and he drinks in the sight, a single step taken forwards as if it’ll help him absorb it all. The world seems to glow in the moon’s silver light, islands like studded gems against the rippling fabric of water. He’d forgotten. He’d forgotten just how stunning the world could be. It wasn’t that he’d ever hated the world. He hadn’t. Some o the things in it, but not the world itself. He still found spots he loved, places he enjoyed, and even when so much of him had died, the affinity for water had never left. But it had been so long since he’d truly been stunned by the beauty of this world. An unconscious smile creeps up to his lips, torn between the diamond studded night sky and silk waves of the ocean. His chest relaxes, suppressed unease forgotten.
“ Mm? “ Seiroku tears his eyes away from the scenery to turn towards Soma with a bright smile, shrouded in the fabric of moonlight around him. He smiles...and then it feels like he’s being stabbed. Soma isn’t about to do what he thinks he is, is he? His throat tightens and all he can manage is to gently squeeze Soma’s hand in turn as he watches. He almost feels sick seeing the gold ring that Soma pulls out, so beautiful and knowing Soma, he knows so efforts have been spared for it. Nothing short of perfection would do. It sits there in Soma’s hand as beautiful as this dream he’s living is.
In another life, he would have been thrilled at all of this. Suddenly everything from the day’s chaos would suddenly make sense and he would feel warm and loved. The warmth in his chest would outshine the sun. Maybe in a kinder future he’d throw his arms around Soma and kiss him between nervous, happy laughter. He’d be overwhelmed with joy. Instead, Seiroku feels sick. Even as his expression looks soft and surprised, betraying nothing of the despair that suddenly stabs him through the chest, he feels sick. Disgustingly, appallingly, sick. He doesn’t deserve this. His legs stand strong but it feels like they want to collapse. He wants to tear himself apart in violent self-loathing. Like self-destruction will atone for what he’s done, like a sacrifice. He wants to bare every ugly secret and lie, every terrible sin, he wants to admit to everything and then show how much he loves Soma even then. How much he cares when he shouldn’t. That even if Soma hates him, he will still love him. He wants to destroy himself and lay every piece at Soma’s feet and let him destroy him if he wants. He wants to tear out the heart he no longer has and let Soma do whatever he wants with it. He deserves nothing but the cruelest actions. If Soma wants to kill him, he’d let him without a fight.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Soma. He feels strangled in a barb-wire noose of his own making. His eyes shift from the ring to Soma’s face. Are you sure? The question rests on his tongue, but he knows even BEFORE he looks up at his love what his answer would be. Soma wasn’t rash, he didn’t charge into things without thinking about them. Much less something as major as marriage when it was hardly the most desirable one to begin with. Of course Soma’s thought about it. Likely for hours, days, maybe weeks. When soft, surprised eyes find Soma’s, the answer is clear. Soma looks so certain of himself, and it kills Seiroku. He can’t say no but it feels monstrously cruel to say yes.
Soma....You’ve really doomed us now. It is a mournful thought of despair that he hears in sobs from his own mind when he chokes on unshared tears and pain. Soma doesn’t know anything. To him this is a sweet, wonderful, if terrifying moment. He thinks that future they both want is possible. He has no idea the self-destructive torture that this is for Seiroku. Soma doesn’t deserve this. Soma deserves something so much better than this doomed tragedy. I’m so sorry. I wish this was a fairytale for you. I wish this wasn’t doomed from the start. I wish I could give you that happiness for real. I wish we could really have that happy ending that you’re dreaming about. I want that. I want that more than you’ll ever understand. Abruptly his vision grows blurry, and he feels a tear form and fall from his lashes. Happy tears are a normal thing, he’s seen them before. But when was the last time Seiroku had actually cried? He can’t recall. Not just the watery eyes Soma had seen, but tears that fell unrestrained. Back when he still had hope. Before he became one of the obsidian eight surely. Hope...Forgiveness with teeth, a sweet poison, something kind in its cruelty. Soma’s given Seiroku hope again, he’s given him dreams and kindness and love, he’s made him human again and now he suffers. And even in the agony? Even in the agony, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not a single thing.
In reality, it’s barely been a few seconds. But it feels like eternity as Seiroku uses his free hand to try to wipe at the tears of love and despair. His tears and speechlessness aren’t something to be alarmed about, it’s NOT uncommon to happen in proposals where emotions were real. Either way they were doomed with either answer. But with the ring...Even when tragedy came, he could still have proof. He could still wear it and keep it close, hidden on a chain over his heart. Whatever his heart was, it was long since Soma’s. He didn’t care about the gold or the details, Soma could have given him the cheapest thing available and Seiroku would treat it as a priceless relic. It wasn’t how it looked, it was what is symbolized. And it wasn’t like they were getting married here and now. It was a promise for a future.
A future that would never come. A future they could never have, nor anyone in this world. Not with the plan in place; not with Seiroku’s long held decision he would not stay after its success.
Seiroku nods, once, and then nods again, firmer as he struggles to find his voice. “ Yes. “ He’s never felt more like a monster. Slaughtering bushi, helping oni? He’d never felt anything. But here? He’s feeding a dream that they can’t have. So there’s a simple promise tucked into this yes. He’ll tell Soma. He’ll tell Soma everything before he has to go. “ Yes, I will. “ He whispers, not trusting his voice to not shatter even as he smiles at Soma.
Just....let them be happy a while longer. The world owed them that, didn’t it? If not him, it owed Soma that. Just a while longer. Please.
#yeonban#I AM NOT OKAY OVER THIS#I AM NOT OKAY AT ALLLLLLL#GOD ITS SO#SOMA IS SO HAPPY AND SWEET AND SO MUCH EFFORT#AND SEIROKU'S JUST#HE KNOWS AND HE KNOWS AND HE'S SUFFERING#BUT GOD HE WANTS IT#AND THAT HE'D KEEP THE RING!! WEAR IT ALL THE TIME#AND ITS SO DAMN SAD#AAAAAAAA#CRYING OVER THIS & FEELING AWFUL#so many terrible things#but this makes him feel the worst#seeing the love and hope#and just kNOWING IT CAN BE#but god he wants it to be#IVE GOT SO MUCH TO SAY#BUT THERES TAG LIMITS AND AAA#᛭ — [IC] carcinoma being with a taste for death [SEIROKU INUKAWA]
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